Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #157 - The Chuch Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Comedian Steve Simeone is live in studio with Joey and Lee. Steve hosts his own podcast called Good Times: With Steve Simeone This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 03/10/2014.

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Oh, shit. You bad motherfuckers. Monday, March 10th. The day the devil was buried at sea. Fuck that motherfucker. We're here making it happen for you. Wake up. Oh, shit. Get that oatmeal. Those jumping jacks. Pull the skin back on your helmet. Watch that motherfucker. And if you ask those got barnacles scrubbing with the watch cross, it's a brand new week and you got a brand new set of motherfucking priorities. Hit it. Oh, shit. It's getting deep in this motherfucker. Oh. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Listen to Ozzy on fire. Are you fucking nuts or what? Police. I asked Steve Simone co-hosting today. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You understand me? Do your fucking thing if they

don't like it. Tell them all to suck your dick. That's the end of this right there. That's it. It's Monday, bro. You have a fucking job to do. Listen, the Catholics get together on Sundays. They get together, they worship, they eat a cracker, whatever the fuck they do. But basically, what they do is it's a day to prepare you. That's the Catholic church. The church of what's happening now is Monday because that's great. We get together. We eat potato chips. We yamble live. That's great. We don't need that shit here. Mondays, you just know what the fuck your job is. You don't say that's it? It's fucking Monday. I don't give a fuck. If you're not working, you don't have a job. Get the fuck up. You're not going to get a job on the fucking couch.

Looking at ITT commercials. Get the fuck up. Wash your pussy. There's a whole fucking world out there. You understand? That's fucking basically it, man. This life will fucking pass you by. How do I know? Because 30 years just flew the fuck by. I was in high school fucking 30 years ago, robbing people. And I went to Jersey last week and I seen all these people. Not the people I robbed or some of them. But it was hysterical that life fucking passes. One minute you're in high school. Next minute you're at your 10-year anniversary. Next minute, you know, you're fucking 50. And I didn't go to my 10-year anniversary. I think I still had a one in Jersey, so I just RSVP'd and put 100 in the envelope. What's that? It's a wedding. There you go.

Like a gentleman. Don't even tell people what's crack. I like what's up with you, my main man, the flying Jew. I'm happy. I'm happy to be back. Did you fucking unbox all the boxes? No, no. This guy takes a thing a day out. I do like two bucks a day. Then he sees what who's doing the New England's drafting and he sits there in front of ESPN and he rubs his feet. Yeah, that's exactly what I do. I know what you do. What do you do this weekend? Well, I had Paula on Friday night and then Saturday night I spent with him with this guy at the comedy school. It was very nice to invite me down. Yeah, it was so fun. It's a big thing for me. I was telling Steve, you should see this text I wrote him before I went. I could talk

with myself out of going anywhere. I'll always end up at home. What do you do this weekend? Nothing. I'll be happy, but at some point you have to get out there. I went and it was great. It was a lot of fun. I'm jealous of you guys for having a place like that because when I moved out there, I didn't know how to meet people. I'm not going to go up to a guy to borrow them, like strike up a conversation, but that place, it was very cool. It's not the gayest thing when you go to a bar and you see another guy trying to be friends with another guy and you can see they're too lonely souls. They get to talk and oh, this was a great conversation. What are you fucking crazy? Fucking great conversation. What did you do this weekend, Steve? I did spots. I did

spots Friday and Saturday at the store. I hung out with Lee, the best. He's the best. It really is. Lee's a fucking trip to hang out. You don't know what to expect. What do you want to do? I don't know. That's amazing that I talk to myself about everything, Lee. I'm happy that you brought that up. There's got to be a phobia or something. If you talk to me, I'm very outgoing. They call it social anxiety. Fuck the social anxiety. It's just hating motherfuckers. That's the I hate motherfuckers society. For years when I was 18, 19, I wanted to be a part of something and I would be a part of something. I do something and I got to be honest with you. 10 guys, 10 minutes while I got there, I go to myself. What the fuck am I doing here? I don't

belong here. Okay, I did this. It's like booking a role for me. When I would do a TV show or something, I get excited. I got to call to work. I don't shoot this. I don't be around these fucking people. So you get some type of anxiety, but then nine out of 10 when you go out, you have fun. You have fun. A couple weeks ago, I had a hard fucking day. I had to go to the jujitsu seminar outside my comfort zone. When I go to my jujitsu school, I already go with an e-pad time with my pants on. I take a shower before I go. I have a t-shirt on. I go. I work out and I drive home quickly. There's guys that go to jujitsu and they change there and haven't watched their feet in two days. That's okay, but that's my comfort zone. That's, for me, that works.

And then on the way home, I switch t-shirts and I'll put a jacket over the sweat. I'll dry off and the pants aren't that dirty. So I have a seat cover and I'll drive home. I take a shower in my house. I have a system. So now I had to go to Santa Monica and drive back from Santa Monica, sweaty, which I fucking hate all that shit. I like washing my pussy immediately with sweat. And that morning, I got up and for two hours, I was talking myself out of the way alone. And finally, something hit on me that I can't keep doing this as a man. I'm doing this at 51, guys. I've always had it. If it wasn't cocaine related or, and even then, I never hang out with people and I did coke, but even now I get all these evites, invites to things and I feel bad.

I think about them and I go, you know, it's nighttime for me now is a nightmare. Sometimes I look at the door and I'm like, it's scary out there. Yeah. Like it's a fucking jungle out there and I'll lock the fucking door and won't go out. I didn't go out yet. Yeah. I just came out now. And I realized that I hadn't moved the fucking car since I got back in the airport. What the fuck? I stay in all day too. So. Oh yeah. I mean, Stephen, I did a podcast on Saturday and on the way, he's like, you should come in there. It's like, okay, I got home. I got into like my gym clothes, my like TV watching and I was sitting in my bed. I was like, fuck, if I don't go, I'm going to die. I'll be fine here. But like, I just, I could send, he sent me

a text like he talks himself out of it. I could see it and he goes, but I'll leave it up to you. I go, Lee, come on. I'll tell you what, come to my house. We'll drive over together. Jason Lucas from the Comedy Stores across the street. I go, this way you won't have to find parking. You don't take away some of those issues because I'll put it in my head. I'm going to have to find a place to park and then I'm going to have to walk down there and then what if I had some meter and I'm going to get a ticket? Like I'll think of everything that can go wrong. Everything that will go wrong. So then, and I could sense that if Lee came out and be the best night ever, and I was like, okay, what can I do to facilitate this? Get over here. We're going to have fun.

I'll take it. You will park in the back of the store. If you don't like it, we'll leave early, whatever you want to do. I don't mind parking. My thing is always, I don't want to be in the way and I don't want, like I just, as being with you, I never ask you to go. I don't try to go to the improv when you're out there. I try not to, I never want to impose on people. I guess that's the word. So like that's, in the text, I was like, I don't want to be in the comedians way. I don't want to be in his way. Like if he's trying to get in his head before the set, he's like, he's like, just come over. I was like, all right, I'll always tell you if I don't want you around. I'll tell you right off the bat because I know what you're walking into.

I'm very conscious of bringing people and there's no room or I don't have a place to seat you. I can't be. I like when you come to the shows. Yeah, to be honest with you, but it's funny. I spoke to a friend of mine and I see Lee's career. I spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't seen 20 years. I mean, I saw some people when I went home that it was, I saw a guy that I used to hang out with all the time. Him and his, he had an older brother that really is a Genovese captain. And when I was in high school, when my mother died, the first real bad thing I ever did was with this guy before he became a Genovese captain. He was much older than I was. And we became friends and we had this bond created by the crime we had done. We never told anybody, but he had three other brothers

and I was friends with all three of them, but there was one I was particularly goombas with. He was a real old school Italian brother, quiet, a wrestler, tough, and he really liked me, but he liked my struggle. You know what I'm saying? He knew what I was going through at the time. So that made our bond even tougher. And when there was a misunderstanding, it wasn't to do with money. It was a misunderstanding about a woman and he got involved. I got involved. We ended up not talking. We ended up not talking until Saturday and Friday night. And when I saw him, it was very confusing, but all those feelings came back. How much I loved him, you know? It was weird. That was one of the highlights of the weekend. I had the comedy was great.

You know what? When you smoke pot and do comedy, it's great. But when you don't smoke pot and do comedy, I'm learning about myself more and more every fucking day. And Ari said that when we were in Vegas, he goes, I had never seen you on stage this focus. And this week I caught something that was even scarier. The hottest girl I went to school with was there this weekend. And she's still very beautiful. She was in the third row to my left. I didn't see her until I was getting on stage. And I walked off the right side. And that proved to me that I'm back in that comedy store zone when you're at the comedy store and you really want to do well. The lights are off. That's why Mitzi has the lights off so you don't see the audience. So it doesn't mess with

your head. That's how much of a genius Mitzi was. Oh, 100%. She wouldn't, she turned the lights off so you could only see the front row. So the comedy, the people wouldn't get in your head. That's a great way of not letting, you know, you just out there doing your thing. So what would have happened? Let's say you were smoking or even if technically out of it, if you weren't in the zone and she was there, what would have happened? What do you mean? Nothing. Nothing. I'm just saying that I learned something. How hard my focus was. No, but that's what I'm saying. Like you're saying you didn't see her. Right. If you, if your focus wasn't there, would you have seen her and talked to her or like what? No, no, I just would have saw her. I would have noticed her, but my head was

so more or else for the first 30 minutes, you know, I didn't want to fail this weekend. Yeah. Homecoming. This was, I would, my material was overtaken by my energy. Sometimes it's not what comes out of your mouth. It's the energy you deliver. I completely agree with that. And it's very, it's very, you know, I was thinking of something last night when I laid down in bed and this is for a lot of people who send me emails because I got emails. I answered like 93 fucking emails last night. Wow. And I gotta tell you something. 20 of them are always about addiction. They're always whenever we talk about certain top topics on the end, something came to me last night because somebody wrote me a very, very nice Facebook the other day. Somebody posted a picture on me on

stage and somebody said that this would have not happened if you were still doing coke. I got to find that fucking thing and write him a long thank you and I love you because you know, it's so weird that we do this podcast on people. We got emails that people inspire us, we inspire people, but I gotta tell you something. I get inspired by people when I answer those emails because people write me things that of what they're doing since they started listening to the church. So that means I got to tighten my fucking game up. Like if people outside of me doing this shit just by us, that means we got to tighten our fucking game up. And it's so weird I was thinking about this how I have a friend. She's 42. She drinks every fucking day. She's a

talented comic. She was good looking at one time. She was a piece of ass at one time. She doesn't do stand up anymore. And it's so weird how if you take care of this one, like for me, I took care of the cocaine problem, but it opened up so many other avenues for me. Yeah. It's so and I had that that disease you have, you know, whatever the fuck it is, the phobia. I had worse when I was on the cocaine. I had all the shit that I had to just stay home and guard my cocaine. But it's so weird how many gates open for you once you take care of that little fucking problem. Yeah. So it was really weird. I was laying there with my fucking fat man sleep apnea mask on. And I was thinking about this how many avenues have opened up for me

since I stopped doing that one thing like I really started to live. I like it's such a shame at 35. I didn't really do nothing with my life. But at 51, I'm really doing so much more. That's a beautiful lesson though. I think that's a lesson for everybody that it's never too late. It's never it's stark today. You know what I'm saying? Like the train doesn't pass you by that life's always a gift every day if you're willing to embrace it. If you I didn't know how dead I was while I was on the drugs. I didn't know how dead I was till this weekend. I did not have a clue. I just realized lately somebody called me and they were talking about mercy. And he goes you're really having a good time with this baby and I go you know and he goes it's

a different from Jackie and I go you know let me tell you something. When I had my first child 30 years ago now I understand why we don't talk or communicate because my first love was blow and I think they even sense that. I think children sense that even at that and I gotta tell you one of the reasons why I probably don't talk to it today. Well the mother is because of the insecurities I had with the blow. You know like it just opened up so many avenues for me. So do the church a favor do yourself a favor. If you're doing drugs pills whatever the fuck you're doing you're really dead. It's a sad way to put it. I was dead till I was fucking 44 years old. You know I'm embarrassing that is from the age of 19 to 44. I was really dead because it held me back from doing a lot of

things. You know it held me back from doing things in my mind and my heart and shit like that. You know it's just so it's amazing little fucking lessons you learn you know as you. I was dead and I think if you're an alcoholic you know I have my good friends on alcoholic and it's so weird that she doesn't do so many things because of her drinking and even me. I wasn't doing so many things when I was snorting that stupid coke because I wanted to you know snort coke but I overlooked my life. It's such a great feeling when you get your life back you know. So if you're not fucking living your life just start by that. Just fucking live your life. That's it you know what I'm saying. Lisa yeah you bad motherfucking Jew look at you. I saw a lot of Jews in Jersey this weekend.

I tell you how much I love Jewish people and I like real Jews. Like I flew back with this little fucking girl yesterday. She got on the plane they bought her the last you know I upgraded the first class the plane was empty so I went to the first class she sat next to me and she asked me some questions excuse me she goes yeah and I asked how old are you she goes I'm 16. I go this is the first time you're flying she goes yeah I had to do some community service here my father wanted me to be my mother wanted me to be involved and she goes this is the first time I flown without my family and I have a little bit of anxiety. Guys you never know who you bump into. So I started talking to I said I get anxiety too. I told her about the flight from Miami overnight where I sweat all night

and she was looking at me like really and I'm like yeah man I get it I go when I go on stage I pee my pants and she goes what do you do I'm a comedian we start talking and then the plane took off and I started looking at my iPad whatever the fuck she was looking at and I get off the plane I go to the board and before I did board I start talking to her I go how was the flight I go I told you you did it and we get to talking and she goes thank you very much for taking care of me and looking at over she didn't even say it like that she goes thank you for the talk it took my mind off it you know and I go all right and and I go uh are your parents picking you up yeah yeah whatever and I walk outside and I hear not people arguing but I hear somebody's talking to the attendant

and going so I gotta wait till the end for my daughter and I walk and I go let me just go let me go back and I go I go I sit next to your daughter she's fucking they're just holding it to the end and the parents looked at me like holy fuck who is this fucking gorilla and they're like so you threw next to her and I go yeah I sat right next to her she's fine we talked about anxiety blah blah blah blah and the mother goes thank you very much and she goes what's your name I go Joey and the father come on when he goes he was a little fucking Jew dog he comes over this little juey ass and he goes what was your name son I go Joey he goes what are your last name I'm going Joey Diaz he goes my name is and he gave me his card my name is something fucking

and the last name you can see the lot the blood lines are direct to fucking Israel I mean he's like bunch of pilots nephew I could just see it on his face something ending with Manneberg huh something ending with Manneberg yeah bird bird bird man and bird I mean this guy was a Jew and he shook my hand he goes thank you very much for doing what you did because I'm the chairman of interscope records you ever need anything here's my business card you fucking caught me that's what I'm talking about people you never know who the fuck you're talking tonight I didn't tell it's a poster I talked to her because I have a daughter yes someday I'm gonna fly my daughter somewhere and I want a gentleman to sit next to my daughter over the way I watched over so for this motherfucker

to come up to me when I came up to them because I was gone I was already by the chocolate stand you know when you walk on the seas can we try to shoplift the box from my wife it's good luck that bitch I always robbed the airport she's the dumbest fucking Chinese woman I ever met in my I feel bad even robbing her because she's Chinese but I have to because she's still fucking dumb I take like the 12 family pack I give it to my wife I got a teddy bear for my daughter I pay for the teddy bear but I steal the chocolate fuck it it's good luck to the little shoplifting from time to time let's say you go to Delancey street in New York the Jewish neighborhood when I was a kid to buy

sneakers and shit yeah if you go in there and you don't buy and you're the first customer those Jews go crazy they want you to buy because you're bad luck my philosophy is I'd buy and I'd steal something so then I got bad luck and good luck all together you know what I'm saying you got to steal something you at like I told Ari you got to rob me a yamaha I don't want you to buy me a yamaha anybody can buy a yamaha you want to go to the fucking temple clip a fucking yamaha anything with them you put that yamaha on the track that's a guaranteed daily that's a guaranteed daily double hahaha it's just a fuck of a jews you know what I'm saying a stolen yamaha I love it anybody can go buy a yamaha and put a picture of fucking you know Pontius Pilate I'm talking about the stealer

I'm talking about the stealer yamaha from some jew that's combing his hair that takes from somebody not even a store you want him to like take it off the head oh yeah you gotta take not the head but when he puts it down to go to the bathroom or let's say he goes to a Catholic church he puts it outside when a jew walks into a church you gotta leave the yamaha you gotta check the yamaha the door I love the fucking jews I love them what's the story where's the music at Lee Cocksucker March 10th it's a beautiful day to be alive Steve Simone in house Philly's favorite fucking son where's the musically it's Monday's always my mom used to play every fucking thing

are you kidding me or what we we have to get him to call in we got you by the boss one day he'll call in oh tony menon I will get him to call in I don't think he has a cell phone he's too old man are you kidding me or what grab that reefer grab the oatmeal eat an apple write your goals down jerk off on somebody's hairdo it's fucking Monday I haven't jerked off in somebody's hairdo in a long time a girl in Hollywood one time let me jerk off in a hair in a building I swear to god I was coked up she wouldn't fuck me a second my dick so I get I went to plan see if you're not doing the above let me at least work off in your head oh my god and she's like all right fuck it you gotta hey you gotta take what they give you Lee the fuck what's up with you my brother

love and life man how's it been going you're doing well now you shot last season the stand-up revolution for Gabriel yeah and when does it air they told me April but I haven't heard anything lately good for you man things are starting to happen it's starting to start it's really weird man it's a slow process it's uh it's a slow process I wish now like it that I knew 20 years ago what I know now about Connie when I got the LA I wouldn't have been such an asshole in the beginning yeah you know you're too you have two paths when you come here the three yard signs you and you're the greatest things and sliced bread or you become a mutt like me you have to work hard and taste better you know it tastes better you know I will say this I don't think there's any shortcuts

no there's never a shortcut there's never a shortcut to nothing if there really is you're gonna have to go back you know I'm saying you don't have to fucking go back we got a shortcut from LA to San Diego it blows yeah you get off you still got 60 miles you know it's nothing it's nothing they charge you a dollar to get on there who that's a dumb shortcut right there yeah it cuts it it's like 10 miles and you work all the fucking time so you're out there you know and you're either with Renize easy with me with Gabriel so you're in good company absolutely like that's to me my get my my my blessing that I look at I go the funniest people in the world are my friends so I must be doing something right you know you're right there it's such an evolution I mean I met

you 15 years ago at the store in Vegas with dice yeah that's how long I know you know we both come a long fucking way you know it's it's it's just really amazing I did opening in for the last week to all that must have been great I didn't see what's his name he was out northern with Jimmy now he was gone with uh you know the big guy what's his name uh Kenny Kenny club soda wasn't there either but I want to thank club soda for getting me on there and stuff hoping Anthony was great but that's how long I know Simone and we've always been in a struggle and uh it was crazy seeing he's like the king of the store like he goes in and no one's not like every like there's always those people who I was always jealous of like there's some people everyone doesn't like

somebody like I'm sure there's people who don't like me and that's fine but there's always that one kid in class or or that one kid in the school who no one has a bad thing to say about like he spends all the groups I feel like that was Simone like everyone just happy when you walk in and I was always I was always jealous of that person like how does how do you get everybody to like you and it's just like I feel I felt like that's what it was and it was fun comedy wise because I actually Paula actually I've gotten Paul to actually like comedy so we went the night before just to see this we didn't hang out or anything we just saw the show and uh Steve did like a 10 o'clock set where was this at the store oh you want Friday night

in the store on Saturday I just went to the store to see the show and then he asked me to hang out on Saturday um and then I didn't really watch the show Saturday but I saw he had you're an 1130 set something like that yeah I was like I didn't get up to closer to midnight and it was very different because like it what it was about a quarter full versus all full full absolutely and you went out very on Friday you went out and you like exploded for five minutes and then slowed down a little bit on Saturday you were very slow and then exploded for the last 10 minutes yeah but like it's it's interesting hearing the 12 people or the 30 people applaud like they're 100 like you you did your bit and like it sounded as loud as when when uh it was at 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock it was

very uh it was interesting watching that like that's I'm a huge like I'm just a huge comedy nerd so just watching the different way you do it and it's just it's it's it's fun to watch every show is different you got to play with the it's a it's a communication with the audience yeah but you learned the most important thing whether there's 12 people 100 give them everything you still got to give your soul absolutely a lot of people don't understand a lot of people go that was the appreciation the comedy store gave me that some night you're gonna go and there's gonna be three people and you can't go home yeah you can't say well nah this isn't for me tonight it's the same you got to learn that's a complete different muscle you have to learn to entertain three people

yeah you know tuesday nights you go to fat tuesday when i was there the 900 black people in the big room and eight people on the little room on tuesday yeah and you still had a fucking spot and if you didn't call in for tuesday she wouldn't give you spots of a weekend that was the psychology a lot of people would say no give me thursday friday saturday mitchie sure looksy and goes go fuck your mother yeah i know what you're trying to do yeah well you're too good to come in here so that's why yeah with her you gotta call coast to coast sunday to sunday yeah because then she'll see you're a real fucking deal yeah that you want to so tuesday she's put she put up the real fucking deals on tuesday night because there's eight people you're sitting there personally but meanwhile

she's making you the best fucking comedian in the world she's teaching you the greatest lesson of all time that some night you're gonna show up and there's gonna be eight motherfuckers in there and guess what you got to make them laugh yeah and that's what teaches you you know uh i was talking to li yesterday very important i care about li a lot he's the best he's the backbone of the organization and a couple weeks ago we were doing something i know that li was sweating a lot and i go li we gotta fucking get li in the gym you know it's about time li told me and i know li tries you know and i always make him walk i give him goomy bears and i make him walk because i don't want to fall asleep i want him to eat the marijuana and go for a walk because his head will clear yeah i know

when his head clears he'll call me and go i have an idea that's what that does that's what going for a walk does you know when i got off the cocaine i had to get in shade i had to go to the doctor i had to write calmly i had to do all the things but before i could do any of those things i had to build my character li so i thought and i said what can i do to build my character and it's going on a schedule it's this thing and i went i joined kung fu with black guys in vermont that didn't give a fuck i was 400 pounds they treated me like they didn't give a fuck we don't give a fuck about your movies we don't give a fuck about nothing you got to do a horse dance for an hour you got to do this you got to fly through the air you got and it made me build character it made everything easier once

i had that under me it made that easier well you got to get your legs under you people want to stand up but they don't have their legs on them then they realized three months later why they collapsed because your legs went under you didn't go you went for it but you weren't prepared you didn't bring the canteen you went camping but you didn't bring a fucking a thing and i say to people all the time there's little things you could do you know and that one thing is exercise you have no idea it's it's something that you have to do you know it's like when people go i have a trainer at 10 and they get there 15 minutes late and they bring their phone in and they walk them with a cup of coffee if i was there train i'd take that phone i'd smack them throw the coffee in their fucking

face and throw them the fuck out of there yeah because it's your hour away we've discussed this when i see somebody with a cell phone in the gym i want to go up to them and go dog you're missing the whole boat of this yep that's the beauty of it ain't nobody gonna fucking call you and if they die or if they have a heart attack you'll be there in an hour right you'll be there in a fucking hour i have that much faith in god then when i'm at the kettlebell gym and i leave my phone in the fucking car then nothing's gonna happen to my daughter or my wife that's how much faith i have it's called faith that's all part of it leave it in the fucking thing that hour is for you yeah that hour is because after you walk for 10 minutes the first 10 minutes of 15 minutes

you're gonna be saying yourself boy this is hard yes fucking joey's an asshole i'm gonna fucking get an operation i'm gonna do this and then after 10 minutes you think of something and you go away with that tangent and that tangent is an eight-minute tangent now you're on ventura and fucking sepula and you're surrounded by fucking the incas you know mexican village and now you gotta walk home and this builds character and this is like when you drive to the gym when i used to drive to jujitsu the first 90 days i was driving there to die there's no worse feeling than that when i first went to the economy store i was driving there to follow down my river i was driving there to die now i had a decision i could have gone there late and said you know i got stuck

in traffic maybe i'll follow some fucking mutt right i would force myself to follow down my river bro because i knew it builds character you know i've been going to jujitsu lately and i fucking sucks and it's hard for me but when i leave jujitsu i know in the back of my mind i could do anything yep because i just did this me standing in front of a microphone be doing the podcast is easy and this is why i always beat you up about going what i say the last night i want you to go for a walk lead that's it i don't want you to join the gym i don't want you to be joe muscles not right now not today all i need you to do when we wrap up today go for a walk go to walk to 10 planet jujitsu look what they have in the window and walk back and then tomorrow you

walk a little farther and tomorrow you walk a little farther then one day you go you know what i'm ready for a fucking bicycle and this is your 40 minutes it's gonna start bro i was thinking about sacramento the other day year and a half ago sacramento scouts on i was doing seven minutes on the apolliptical seven minutes i was like you know i did 40 on fucking friday oh that's awesome when somebody was on the fucking treadmill you know i used to travel not go to the gym yeah i used to travel when i go now when i get the call i look at the hotel and see what they have available a pool a little wait i know that all right they may not have weights fuck i don't even need weights who needs weights right cardio i need to walk i need to think i need my mind to

fucking think nothing you you want to become a thinking machine go for a fucking oh it's the i get my best idea really thinking machine smoke a joint go for a walk and then you start thinking that you're thirsty and you gotta walk and put the ipod on too and bring that cell phone so you could write in your ideas absolutely it's amazing that's why i say those things to you li because it's the character anybody fucking higher trainer any fucking idiot higher trainer i want it to be your hour it's your hour how many people could say that i have an hour for myself every day with a world doesn't matter how many people could actually say that you know i see people who live a war with their children that live on a fucking phone and they're at the park

texting people i'm with my kid i'm not even gonna read your fucking text message right i'm with my fucking kid i don't even you know i'm saying i mean there's just a boat we're missing so much at this at these levels because of the cell phones and all this other dumb shit yeah technology is pulling people out of the world instead of making it better that's why i say those things to you li because it builds character you know what you could go on all the fucking little chicken colored diets you want eventually it's all we we've we've had this discussion that we all know as americans what we need to do to get healthy yeah we know we know we fucking know you know but there's still every time i walk when i see the lines of people on mcdonald's we live in this

society that it's amazing as americans as human beings and i was one of those people i know cocaine is bad for you i do it i know cigarettes are bad for you i do it after all the fucking reprimand you hear about cigarettes you still see people smoking 50 fucking thousand cigarettes you know i'm all better with this vapor pen who knows 20 years from now people will be walking around grain i had vapor in my system i don't know what happened between the texts no it's true and i actually the whole reason my place now is tiny it's fine for me but it's it's not ideal but like the whole thing last night i walked from it's not a long walk it's like i think it's less than half a mile i don't give from from more parts of intura and i just walked

there to grab dinner and i walked back and i actually i actually do have an idea to talk to you but i told you i told you i told you but uh nothing and it's you yeah we we have no idea how much that hour to ourselves means it wasn't even an hour it's like 30 minutes to start though that's it that's a fucking start baby steps that's a start and you know all of a sudden you know i you ever go you ever get out of your car in LA and for five minutes the sun hits you and you go oh what a gift god damn do i feel good okay you know what i'm not even gonna go upstairs yep i'm gonna sit here for five minutes i'm gonna look down the corner see the sun shines like that i'm gonna walk down i might bump into a cat i might bump into a dog i might bump into somebody

but yeah it's great it's amazing it really is amazing you know what got me out it was uh my landlord came over to do some work and i don't know about you but i always i never have the shades open i just always have them closed me too i don't know why there's no reason i'm not but he opened the shades to put in new screens and like the sunlight was coming and i was like wow that's nice like it's just like a little thing i'm like he gave me some some oranges from the orange tree i'm like i should like like it i'm an inside person i've been an inside person for 25 and a half years i'm never gonna be an outside person but it is like and you make the joke about vitamin d deficient people in southern california but it feels good to be outside even

even if i just had a chair outside it'd be nice just be out in the side you're surprised that's why i always meet at a coffee shop when i sit outside and that coffee shop we go to after like 11 the sun goes away so it really blows and that's why sometimes in the afternoon hasn't to go there when you go inside you want to get hit by the sun you want the love of the sun it's it's just yeah the last time we were there we just sat on the bench it was great it was just perfect that's right you and i left the table yeah and we just sat out on the bench and i want what's it's better than this it's a very relaxed podcast today it's very relaxed man this is it this is a a different style the beauty about comedy and what we do is that it always changes you know and

sometimes i come in here fucking crazy i've noticed that the podcast has changed a little since i don't smoke mm-hmm i noticed that's a little bit more controlled you know when i would smoke fucking three joints in the morning three so three joints what a fuck smokes three joints in the fucking i would smoke a joint and a half maybe three bowl hits before i got the lease and i always rolled two or two and a half joints at least at least yeah by the time you leave there you're fucking blasted no wonder i couldn't breathe but i'll tell you you don't hear me breathing that much no more i don't have the wheezes that much no more even three weeks then next week i'm gonna smoke i'm quitting smoking i gotta smoke again next tuesday because i'm doing duck benson show

so next tuesday morning i am gonna fucking smoke at home and then that night i'll smoke over there if i can i'll see how the fuck i feel you know what i'm saying it's been such a fucking long time and i gotta tell you something else too i've done over 500 fucking podcasts okay there's some people who do certain things like i pissed off at this one guy this weekend but i'm really sick and tired of this and i'm gonna address it right now so everybody gets it once and for all i like to move around when i fucking do a podcast i hate talking into the fucking microphone i just forget sometimes okay stop hitting me up with the sound issues we do this for free we got up to 445 every monday and wednesday to do this for free now i want you to listen to this and listen to this good for the last

time any podcast i'm on whether it's rogans or whatever you always get complaints i'm off the thing so when i'm on the fucking microphone i'm on either put your volume up let's do me a favor go fuck your mother okay go fuck your mother in the ass don't you ever fucking send me a tweet no more about sound issues you don't like it turn it the fuck off turn it off this is what it is i'm sick and tired of hearing you dumb motherfuckers complain about something this is free we provide a fucking free service to you we enjoy you but that's it we enjoy you you enjoy us you want to say something negative just fucking block me and turn the prescription off do me that favor if i don't like something but i don't mail him a thing fuck you i can't hear some fucking douchebag cunt in

toronto last night that every message he sends it's always like a negativity wrapped in comedy and i know the kind of cunt he is by his pictures once i saw his pictures on twitter i go i know the type of cunt this is this guy's a cunty fucking guy this ben still looking motherfucker with anybody who looks like ben still is a cunt in my life you know what i'm saying with that fucking look like you know we're better than you i get on the fuck i hate that fucking look and only gentiles do it niggas don't do it chinks don't do it spicks don't do it it's you fucking gentiles you get three dollars in your pocket and you think you're better than everybody fucking else until you get smacked or robbed and then you realize you get your nigga wake up calling the words of paul mooney

because at the end of the day we're all a bunch of fucking niggas like paul mooney says once i bumped into paul mooney it made my life so much fucking easier because i realized we're all a bunch of fucking niggas we just don't even know it yet we just don't even fucking know it yet and then comes a situation like this where they act this way yes they're on the plane i'm not you know you got on planes and there's always fucking stupid celebrities going back to home on a sunday right and you could see them at the gate how they act you know and other people around the mac goofy they come and give them hugs it's good to see and this guy in the fucking two pilots come out and shake his fucking hand like a jerk but he sits there with his air of of like

he's better yeah like uh here i am and people are trying to say hello to him and he's you know they're always busy or they're always talking it's so ridiculous oh it's so ridiculous it's so funny like his manager or some other fucking gentile mutt sat next to him that was okay and they were acting like they were kids like giggling about a situation so people couldn't notice them oh yeah doing it for attention yeah like what are they talking about you know it's like when you see it somebody i'm on stage in a band and they talk to each other it was cool they are what the fuck is wrong with you you know all that shit is always fucking bother have that that air to him like that that air to him like doucheiness you know it's douchey it just drives me fucking crazy so

please then you if you want to walk around like a douche you we all get on nigga wake up call like ellion anand does did when he fucking came to i'll never forget paul i'll never forget when paul mooney said that to me to my face what he said he walked up to me goes hey home in miami walked and then he went on stage all week in miami and told the cubans how your cubans doing tonight you got you finally got your nigga wake up call you over here in miami jumping up and down and shit you know thinking that you're white now you got your nigga wake up call at the end you realize you're all a bunch of niggas ellion he just went off and it's true he goes you cubans thought you were the king of the world you in miami you come over here the kid comes over we're

gonna keep them they came in yank that motherfucker remember that yank that motherfucker little ellion anand this terrible it's a step but i didn't mean to say these words how i said them but it's true we all get our nigga wake up call so cut it out all right cut it the fuck out everybody's a human everybody's a fucking human being all right yeah but everybody in this town thinks they're bedding everybody else and but you have these people especially on twitter and you can see who they are twitter really has them for you can see the difference between facebook and twitter facebook is more catholicism more uh you know whatever the fuck it is this fucking idiot and but twitter is a little more stretched out and i would get twitch from this guy every like four

fucking days like wrapped up in something like you know well this is great and then he'd make like a joke last night i looked at him like well you know what do me a favor bro if you don't like it move the fuck on go go i don't need you and you're stupid i don't need you i really don't no if you don't like it go visit some bubbles podcast or something like what the sound don't even go fucking i don't know what to tell you this is how i do sometimes i move around and sometimes i don't you know put the fucking volume and put the speakers on and that's it do your best your camp but don't keep sending me shit joey the sound talking to the mic talking to your wife pussy that's what you should do go talking to your girlfriend's pussy instead of being such a faggot

listen to the fucking podcast all day then you wonder why your chick is fucking some black guy at work because you don't need a fucking snitch that's why pay attention to what's fucking important not the sound on some fucking podcast and then you try to embarrass me on twitter so people could see it yeah fucking dummies some people just they want to focus on the negative no matter how great is situation and it's like you know life's too short to be around people like that you don't want what do you want that guy to listen and then always complain and then bring his stupid friends to one of your shows that'll ruin the energy in the room it's like no goodbye i agree with that shut the fuck up if you don't like it move the fuck on i don't like a thousand

things i move the fuck yeah i don't focus on i don't tweet nobody i'm unhappy who gives a fuck who gives a fuck but there's always trouble with somebody trying to ruin somebody's day absolutely and i hate that shit especially on monday more you know monday more as i get up i try to really actually it up on twitter the white people have to let them know it's monday or a lot this morning so i'm gonna hit me back i don't like that song you don't like you never gonna like nothing you never gonna like nothing how don't you like fucking uh look that kill or black how don't you like it you don't like that song i don't really like it so listen to rush or cheap trick and jump up and down and get a sticker get a sticker you know i get a sticker look at me

i got a shirt i went to the show who gives a fuck so what you're fucking cool stupid motherfuckers what's up lisa yeah i just feeling the podcast should end right there just like turn it off no i'm feeling good it's a beautiful fucking day we got a world by the fucking balls everybody in this room got the world by the balls at 51 i got the world by the balls you got the world by the balls and you're 25 you should be jerking off all over yourself when you wake up in the morning you should jerk off and come right in your face that's what i would do at 25 i knew what this was the situation if you're 25 you should be waking up in the morning jerking off in your hand and wipe it on your face and let it dry and go out then tell everybody suck my dick i'm on a mission

from satan suck my dick i'm on a mission from satan i i thought he said in spanish you know me and fucking uh my man steve some of the last real american catholics we don't fuck around and the steve makes me look like a doorprime yeah he went to we were doing we're recording his intro and outro and he i was like can you do a little bit earlier because i was coming home from paul he's like i'll be i'll be there like a little bit earlier but i have to go i'm walking in church right now on saturday he's the real deal he's the real deal this is the way he won't even watch the exorcist never that's how much of a real deal this guy yeah i won't do it and you gotta watch it you gotta watch it he's on the other side of the fence and shit now it's amazing as soon i went to

i got off the plane in boston the first three things i saw were churches that's a good sign and that's a good sign and in jersey i got the fucking plane the first 10 10 things 10 things i saw are black people i loved it but i don't give a fuck black people church is the same it's all god i love it i love seeing fucking jersey black people i fucking love it i love them the chicks the black chicks in jersey i fucking love them black women from jersey i will do anything to marry you in a different fucking life i swear to god there's some fine motherfucking black chicks in jersey and that personality is so warm with me over that personality went one call me big boy i nearly came in my asshole you understand me come came out of my asshole that's

the first time i felt like a faggot in years you understand me a little load of tropical helmet stomica came out of my ass when she called me fake hey big boy i almost fucking died dog nobody ever calls me big boy so great nobody sisters from jersey i fucking love you man they were all over the airport they're at the hotels they are okay shit yeah they are philly sisters my heart goes out to you too you black motherfuckers you know how to do it you know what i'm saying you guys could tear up white men and you don't because you you know what i'm saying yeah they really could there's some sisters out there that could fuck a white dude up for years some black pussy some fucking spf number two and some cocoa butter stop it stop it

oh fuck it i'm getting dark just like you i'm gonna rub it on my helmet nobody gets a suntan on their dick no more you know nobody puts spf on their helmet and stands out there with a fucking couch and say can you imagine just putting suntan lotion on your dick and just get the suntan on your dick and people walking up to you what are you doing they think i'm doing how you like me now how you like me now lisa yeah you bad motherfucker what's up league you don't smoke dope no more i got you in a pain on my list next time you smoke pot you're gonna get fucking hot you haven't smoked for three four five weeks but i've been doing the edibles i do edibles whenever we do it oh they remind me i got an edible for lee today okay no you don't

you don't get nothing today because you're not gonna walk you're gonna waste the look of me sweating no i don't know how i like i don't i like walking but the fucking those edibles send me to another dimension the walking in the edible really takes you k because it gives you energy i had a guy on twitter i don't think he was at your show but he took like a third of a decadose and he freaking was telling me like he's like he's like i'm freaking out in chicago man no he was in chicago he's like what do i do and i'd like just go to bed he's like i'm in the middle of downtown chicago i can't do that no it's fucking hard sometimes those edibles hit you all that once i loved i was listening to you and open Anthony and like they're like you want to smoke any

yeah in fact the first five minutes they thought you weren't on anything and then you're like i'm on a goomba beer right now i just inhaled the goomba when i walked up the stage you need something i take my i take my edible with my blood pressure medication i take my little fucking blood pressure medication a little edible and i'm ready for the fucking day because i don't smoke i'm not smoking the edible feels great now it feels completely different than when i was smoking yeah yeah it feels fucking great when the next day do you do you have uh denver or colorado on the on your story right now not at all have you heard what have you heard about that about the legal week i heard it's amazing i heard it's just uh it's a it's a it's a mind

fucking you know it's just something that you never dreamed of you're just looking at this you know and there's pros and cons to everything you know i'm not here to judge or not judge you don't make no difference to me how i'm living colorado so i really don't know what's going on i just meant because it's like it's always i mean everyone's seen super hymen and they raid the dispensaries so i don't know how the federal government's not rating that i just i don't know the rules behind it so it's uh i think the federal government has their hands full with other fucking situations but then you'd hope so you know for them to reach out right now and go tear apart denver yeah people lose their minds what is the point yeah what is the fucking plus i think

it's inevitable they're going to be making so much money nobody cares everybody's paying attention everybody's seeing this and going why yeah why don't why don't they have to school kid programs anymore for the children right why are all these programs for the children let's fucking sponsor and we don't give a fuck where it comes from no more half this money is fucking politically ain't fucking correct anyway we just don't know it well we were talking with his name was jason lucas i thought his name was just lucas uh in the car the other night and he was saying he has three kids and he has to send his kindergartner to a private school for 600 a month for kindergarten for kindergarten i'm like jesus christ i mean i can't imagine paying for this myself just can you

believe that yeah it's great this city's crazy it's in this tough city can you believe this shit this is uh you have to pay for an education now at all levels yeah last week i was talking to my wife and i don't think my wife's a great mom and she's doing a great job and she called me and she goes what time are you going to be home i'll meet you i got your chicken i don't know what she was saying and i go where are you now she goes i'm at the daycare and i go daycare and she goes yeah you know for next summer i'm like next summer so you're really scheduling 2015 i mean she's you know this is what they do you have to go these daycares book i'm gonna put in a daycare that it's a christian daycare that jewish kids in there that's how good the daycare is jew moms drive their

kids up from fucking orange county they go there's daycare you know and and now they have pre-k it's all the fucking and you know pre-k and daycare is lazy fucking parents or you know god forbid them and it's for people who have to work two fucking jobs that's the problem but you defeat the purpose you work the job the money goes absolutely the money goes out so but maybe you get insurance maybe there's something that you need so you wrap that all up in your in your search for whatever but you know i remember the day when your mom stayed home yeah mom stayed home you know and i'm sure moms can't do that mom can't afford to my mom did it and she's having she has a job thank god but it's not the job she wants and she's trying to get another one and she didn't work for

20 years so it's hurting her so like i think like every time i talk to her i feel like guilty that it was my fault she's having a little bit of trouble now but she just she was a lawyer and she just she wanted to be a mom and luckily my dad made enough money for most of my childhood to be able to do that but uh it's it's a big it's a big risk and i mean talking listening to them talk on the way down i've always wanted kids i i love kids and i think it'd be great but i can't imagine i know how much my college costs like by the time by the time i have kids it's gonna be you're gonna be spending a million dollars per kid between elementary school through college i mean it's gonna have to get it's gonna get to that point josh wolf was paying 20 000 a year for his

junior in high school oh my god 20 000 to go to grant high school so that's 80 000 at the end of four years plus you know 22 for books glasses uniforms they fucked you up the ass in every level i didn't know why josh was going on the road all the time and that's why because you gotta come up with 20 fucking large a year for your students for your kids fucking tuition or you could put them in public school and they got 49 kids in every classroom and they're not really learning none so you gotta review everything at the end of the fucking day with them when you get home you know parenting is very hard it's a lot harder than what i think these parents today were putting time into it you know there's a lot of kids that aren't respectful there's a lot of

kids that don't listen i see this falling apart and then i go home and i see my friend there's two daughters and they've inspired me my friend the villa who was in the call in today he was in the call in for they had to go to the doctor for physical therapy for his knee i see his children and i always ask him how and he told me he goes i took a job at the house you know i worked hard while they were in school and once they were out of school i was all over them like a cheap fucking suit you know doing this and doing that and activities and working and while one was doing jumping jacks the other one was fucking doing a homework and when you meet his children you see it i paid off why do you fucking close your eyes when i cough like i've never seen

nothing like that it's an audio thing i don't know and you stop coughing oh i mean i think i don't know what it is in here sometimes i cough a little bit but no i've been doing good i've been i still drink a little bit of soda but i've been doing more water good um but it's soda making you cough i think the water uh cleans out your system probably i mean i don't i fucking hate it water till five years ago yeah i used to be disgusted by it ten years ago i hate it one time i could eat waters with chinese food classic cold water with ice cubes after that fucking uh twice cooked pork oh so damn did you have chinese food in jersey first night oh you had someone bring it to you didn't you didn't george pick it up for you spare rib please the red ones you took a picture of it

i'm a spare rib i don't fuck with the bones in her bones out does it really matter well you get any of that steak with the stick in the middle of it no he got me he got me everything he got me uh he got me the things i needed he got me uh shrimp with lobster three egg rolls yes three tremendous beautiful fucking egg rolls he got me uh i was gonna ask earlier bros like i don't want to be the guy to ask what about chinese food i was like oh it's so beautiful look at that rib oh my gosh look at that that's perfect that's 35 years i've been going to that chinese oh this is filled with jews you go to shiny they have they check yamakas at the door yamakas and weapons at the door because those are jersey jews they got those fucking knives on the yamakas like the job from

james bond james bond go fingering and shit it's uh he brought a bag of spare ribs he brought three of those egg rolls bag the bag with the foil and then the steam comes out he brought uh steam rice and he brought shrimp and lobster sauce deliciously i he was watching me eat the spare ribs do they even know how to make sure i'm put lobster sauce out here no i haven't seen it on a menu it's fucking duck come with three pieces of peas and carrots it's this fucking white spit they don't know it's disgusting they don't know how to do and i tried to teach china deli i tried to tell him to put pork in it for flavor they don't get it you have to put little tiny pieces of pork yeah it's not it's not lobster at all i don't think it is little lobster there's yeah there is pork is the flavor the pork a little

bit of pork is the way that chans does it they give you little pieces of pork in there and that gives it the flavor with the egg yolk and the fucking egg and the white rice so good they brought pork fried rice the ribs three egg rolls sat thursday night right off the bat that's how george showed up the rest of the time i didn't eat much uh they're supposed to be a spectacular steakhouse and my friends were and my friends is what they do for a fucking living like they go for steaks once a week that lugas and all that and i asked them they go we weren't really happy with steak 80 whatever the fuck it was where they weren't supposed to be a big place and uh did you go to dunking donuts when you were there not at all because it's it's really gone downhill

they have a bunch of which is now is fucking horrific the last 15 years and i've been talking a lot about this oh whether it's dunking donuts whether it's dairy queen whether it's subway whether it's blimpy's i'm seeing it more and more and i'll tell you the reason why you want to know why guys because they didn't grow up on dunking donuts they didn't grow up on dairy queen by the year ago i was dying for a dairy queen dying up to north ridge again i'd have nothing against nobody it was owned by foreigners whether the arabs or pakistanians or whatever the fuck they didn't grow up on dairy queen they don't know what dairy queen supposed to taste like they don't know what dairy queen means to us it's an investment opportunity dunking donuts i did not eat dunking donuts for

20 years and i went to santa fe new mexico when you make the turn in santa fe new mexico it's right there wow and when i was shooting the fucking longest yard there was a dunking donuts down the bottom i would go in the morning before i shoot to get the coffee yeah and the donuts were fucking horrifically bad horrifically bad horrifically bad listen the coffee is great but i don't need a fucking cauldron of heat you know i don't need my coffee boiling you know i don't need to wait a half hour to drink my fucking coffee that doesn't make the coffee better you know what i'm saying yeah unless you're putting cream in it i like my coffee black black is beautiful brown is shit you know whatever the fuck it is i like coffee medium you know hot but not spoiling yeah so a lot of these

places you're going to sure they're not the same have you been to chilies lately no horrific horrific go to chilies now horrific dad wanted to see them i wanted to wait one day for my wife we both were the soups are fucking horrible the baby back ribs that are to fucking live for you know food is to die for yeah don't eat it you'll live you know it's it's like that and everything now and is it us is it me in the particular is it you because you brought up to me is it you we see it and everything you know that's why i go to more mom and pop places anytime i get a chance because there's somebody there that cares and i think these big corporations aren't paying anybody anything and they're like you're lucky to have a job and then you go in there and it sucks

where did i go in jersey i went to write it i went to write it to buy a nail clip and it was a 15 minute experience yeah i would walk down i i could not believe and there was three people behind the counter and all three of them were fucking worthless yep worthless and then okay fucking worthless they were talking about amongst themselves about that petty fucking life son friday night on thursday whatever the fuck they did and you look at these three and is it the manager's fault no he's only got eight hours an hour to pay these fucking people yeah the corporation only gives them eight dollars an hour so this is why you got this white kid with a turban on trying to play hindu you got a fucking Puerto Rican chick that's retarded and

you got a 900 pound black woman that it took the five fucking minutes just to fucking get up and she was jiggling with the thing it was like a jiggle fest how you know i could fucking believe it like you know there's nine people online that the arab white dude with the white guy with the turban is behind the fucking counter the Puerto Rican is on her cell phone and black mama is there licking her fingers making sure there's no fucking Popeye's chicken left in the fucking in her fingers finally the guy goes customer service she looks over like that must be me and then she pushed on the fucking thing on the desk you see the desk whoosh she got up jelly and she had the thing from her arms and shit and then she came over pissed off what can i do for you you know can you check

do you have a card you don't have a riot eight card how come you don't have a riot eight card because i don't fucking live in riot eight neighborhood bitch i go to cvs that's why i'll have a fucking riot eight card it's funny you're talking about this i went i had to go to the gas station yesterday and i pulled up and i saw the guy walking the door i was like an amp that's always open and i pulled up i rolled the window down i'm like are you closed because i need to go grab something and he's like no i'm just going to grab a smoke and he's like i'll be back in like 10 minutes i'm just going to smoke and he put a sign in the window back in 10 minutes i'm like i never want to tell anybody like i wouldn't want him to lose his job because i feel bad

but i mean if you're a gas station employee you can't put a sign on the window says back in 10 minutes nobody i thought i thought about you when i saw it like what would joey say to this guy back in 10 minutes well they still have the pump outside you could shove your car well they have the pump outside but i wanted to go in and to grab a drink because i was i was doing the walk thing and then uh oh no i wasn't walking at that point i was driving but uh i went to a different gas station it's just it's uh and the thing about the restaurant is we we uh we talked this weekend because paul and i were going to a certain restaurant and the thing we do now is instead of going to like a chili or something like that they have these group hunts and restaurant deals for

all these places so paul and i went to this like a hollywoody place that would have cost two or three i was pretty busy it was it's a smaller place so it wasn't that it wasn't like a line or anything we went to this hollywoody place that would have cost everyone else three or four hundred bucks but paul got this this group on for 50 bucks both of us had three courses oh nice and it was great so i mean i think that's the way to do it now it's just you gotta go do these group hunts and go to the nicer places i was trying to tell them to uh uh what's the prime rip place on hollywood boulevard that's been there for two thousand moose on france i know i love i love private but i would definitely go there no they go there for lunch one day it's not that expensive it's really

old school too right i love old school greg proofs type the special that get out of here special on there should be coming out oh that's great yeah i'm very curious to see greg proofs at this fucking place man i gotta have greg proofs call it i like greg proofs oh definitely yeah anybody would shoot a special to the spot like that's cool spot like that he shouted moose on france and he interacted with the waiters and shit like that so that's cool it was pretty fucking interesting but baso was good it was good i mean i i have we didn't we there was a it was a limited many what you could get with the deal but um no she doesn't know that no more i don't know i mean her name was on the menu her name was like eva's salad or whatever but i don't like gory used to own it

and this is why i told them that years ago i lived around the corner from there and i remember one day i was walking down the street i seen these people shaking their heads and i go and something happened i something happened the corner they go we'll never fucking eat in there again i thought they went to that sandwich place there used to be a sandwich place i said you know sandwich place was really bad and they go no that fucking glorious restaurant i don't even know what kind of food they served but i knew it was a hollywood type place yeah yeah it looks like a nightclub yeah so i thought lee was going to eat things and they get beat i'm like lee you might as well go to moose on france but he said it was really good what'd you eat we had uh short ribs baby back

rib like is it a mexican restaurant it's like a mexican inspired sort of thing so then it was a barbecued sort of like steak with this mexican like corn thing and then i got churros and then she got uh chocolate flan and we basically got the same thing but something i've noticed recently is because i mean i always go to eat you go out to eat do you ever get i don't know if it's my age or what it is but i've gotten a lot of bad servers lately and i'm always a great tipper so i actually had to get my first bad tip like we went to uh islands that burger place and it's it's fine for burgers but it's just not that great and this our server came once like other servers had to help us so i gave my first tip under 15% in my my life i think but i don't know if it's like you do you

get it because you don't necessarily dress up in a suit to go to nicer places do you get bad service do you notice that or is it is it my age i don't know what it is but i've gotten like three or four bad services in a row i turned good i turned bad service into good service okay i'm one of those guys where i take control of that situation you know my wife is very sweet you know i have a problem with nice people i have the nicest people around me in my life i have lee you my wife and george who you pissed me off by your fucking niceness you pissed me off by your niceness because the world ain't that fucking nice and i tip everybody you know i tip above and beyond what i should and but i want my shit a certain fucking way so i don't let you play the game i'm prepared

when you walk to me the first time i don't let you be a bad way can i get you drinks no you're gonna take the whole fucking order yeah i don't play with my wife when my wife sits down you better look at that menu bitch because i already know what's coming i'm gonna ask you one fucking time you know i get really pissed off at my wife and a lot of levels of different things because i assume the person's fucking stupid yeah in today's economy when you go out to eat or something like that none of them are talking about waiters i'm talking about when you go to get a sandwich and shit uh or business situation my wife has a habit of mixing the baby involved and they giggle and they laugh i don't like that let's take care of business first then

you talk about the baby and giggle and look at the baby can't go and do whatever the fuck you do because then you get pissed when the order's wrong then you get pissed when the order's wrong so let's cut the shit with the hollows and oh my god it's it's cold out oh yes it is it's something that fuck all that nonsense how you doing great what's going on what are you what can i get you to drink no we got the orders ready the order's ready what the fuck get the drink what drink all right let's go what is it yeah well i didn't look then go fuck your mother this is the obama button and they'll learn it that's how i was brought up in restaurants you got to order that's it what's this shit what water in 10 minutes so how was your day no because then you're

fucking up you're fucking up so why you're fucking up take care of business then you could talk and giggle i'm like oh my god this guy who gives a fuck order order i didn't even know you could we ordered right away every time i went out to eat my whole life yeah until i came to california you just had some for drinks yeah you're slowing them down no fuck that shit give me your order what is it boom boom boom you get this mother fucking working and let me get rice and let me get a side order is you get this mother fuck and then he's in the in the bang he's in a groove you know he can't come to your table late or don't come to my table empty-handed every time you come to this mother fuck have bread how should we bring it should we bring it bring it i don't give a fuck

bring the soup last just bring it bitch we're hungry you assume that we're fucking hungry right yeah well that that actually being a server i do get kind of pissed off when like the appetizers and the altruism aren't spread out enough i don't need it to be 30 minutes but i hate when you're like two bites in the appetizer and like a steak comes because then one of them is going to get cold i don't know i would the sir i'm being a server especially out here do you know they make minimum wage out here being a server and in boston i made 263 an hour which got taken out because the tips yeah they make minimum wage with a breakout here being a server if i would i've thought about it like we like if i had a little bit more time i would definitely be a server in

like a nice restaurant because you can make a in a nice restaurant like i feel bad for denny's servers because i don't know how they make money they make a ton of money do you think so go to denny's by my house and look at the stuff like 40 tables and look at the staff there and my wife figured it out one day my wife goes look at how much but go to denny's by my house they have had the same waiters since i grew up since i moved to denny's that's how you see if they make money and the chick the retarded kid yeah there's a kid that you go in there it's a sweetheart but you can see he got hit in the head with a hammer when he fell off a bike as a young age he's a lake of fan he goes to all the lake of games he sits outside and he waits for the autographs

and he'll show you whose autograph he's great he's got kids bro this motherfucker is a waiter you go to denny's they're waiters there's a chick at denny's that she don't come to your table unless it's heat i don't like the food at denny's you know i go to denny's with my wife i'll go in there for a shake with you we'll go for a shake we're in together for a shake or but you go to denny's you look at the retarded kid in denny's the chick there's like four of them at the denny's by my house the chinese chick they've been there since day one the managers that's a good sign and that's a good sign and my wife says they got 40 tables they each got fucking 10 tables they're averaging three dollars a fucking table an hour yes 37 tables plus the fucking dollar

whatever an hour they get you crazy it's just it's it's tough i mean you can do about 10 tables you're constantly moving it's what would you rather do be sitting at one of those jobs i would rather my dreams because i was a server at legal seafood's the one you went to in boston my dream is like a nice steakhouse have like two tables because my i don't know if it's only i i've always liked older people like people that are older than me but if you're like 60 and above and i'm your server it's gonna be a good time because like they love talking and it's just if i could have two tables they're each gonna get a bottle of wine a bottle of two or one they're all gonna get steaks you're gonna make two three four hundred dollars in a night but i just my thing like i'm i'm a big guy

my thing was never carrying the huge trays of 18 000 drinks in 14 000 plates that wasn't my thing but i can smooth you i can i can say oh that's a very nice dress and talk about your grandkids that's where it comes in the denny's servers if they're making that much money they deserve it because 10 10 tables at once everyone wants to drinks well you for the count they got they got probably 40 tables and they probably have five people so they got nine to seven tables yeah and they're always packed at certain times fucking in the morning so it just makes sense man listen i applaud anybody who does that industry me too that's a tough fucking industry i talk about it fucked up but i i applaud it you know what i hate when i have a skinny waiter because they don't know

the importance yeah they don't know what it means they don't know the importance of being hungry they don't know there's a lot it's like when i see a skinny chef that thinks he's cute i want to see a fat eight eight hundred pound chef that's the mother fuck i want to eat with like those italian women and oh the past you know those that's how you know it's good you know they don't open it up i don't want to see a skinny fucking chef you know and waiting tables i consider that's a tough job i bartended and that sucked i can't imagine waiting fucking tables but if you're gonna wait a table it's constant you gotta think that about the next move i'm always thinking about the next move just because that's what i learned with construction i was a hot carrier yeah i'm thinking about the

hotty you're thinking about the bricks and the water is he thirsty and what you know i never wanted somebody to tell me what to do yeah that's always bad when somebody goes excuse me can we have that sugar fuck yeah yeah a table so set your moves up it moves up and that comes with anything with stand up that comes with fucking anything you gotta set your moves up and a lot of people don't have don't have that plan ahead that's so true i learned that in construction too like soon as they're working on this wall i'm already still in the staging for this wall over there getting the buckets the mud everything's ready to rock you ready this is done boom this move set up now i'm breaking this down time is money if they gotta wait that means we ain't making money yeah so you

ain't got that time they don't have even have an hour to wait sit there while you scaffold so while you're you gotta be loading that thing up already so when their job was done i was already preparing the next job i was already moving bricks to the next spot yeah four feet from the wall absolutely yeah it was already all stacked right around i smoked the joint i went to construction so you're always moving bro you're always fucking thinking you know construction how hard is construction i just demand especially in the summer of the east coast i can't i i moved in my back has been hurting for a fucking a week and a half i can't imagine being a construction worker especially you see the older guys like the guys who are like maybe your age have been doing it for

30 years i can't imagine i i can't imagine having to do that a lot of people can't imagine doing stand-up and they do a lot of people can't imagine doing what you do editing and they do it so to each his own i mean i applaud those guys that are 50 and doing it oh yeah you know terry's fucking father worked on houses he was 65 you know 66 building fucking houses carrying two i worked with a guy and fucking asked me that broke my rib he was 71 71 carrying two by 12s and cat you know pieces of four by eight fucking sheet rock wow four by 12 fucking sheet rock and carrying up two flights of stairs gets you so strong that's what keeps you 71 that's why he's living to be 71 because sometimes your job and you're moving movement movement is everything in life movement you know

30 years ago people would retire at 65 and at 55 they'd start moving not any more not any more jack he lived in a different couple weeks ago i went to jujitsu seminar with a 70 year old danie nasanto who's bruce lee's brother and he was wrong doing shit better than i was doing that that guy's gonna live to 100 that's awesome he's going to jujitsu at 70 just makes it i was talking about this kid mani the other day from john joc machatos he says you asked fucking joe and eddie about helo some japanese guy that's 62 that's a fucking brown belt that john jox 62 they said he's completely white haired wrinkles go in there fuck with that guy that guy would choke you like a pretzel fuck out because you learn your strengths you learn what you can do and what you can't do speaking of strengths

on it uh this week man i had killer sets at fucking uh through jersey and one thing i was doing i was taking the on it before the fucking sets i was taking the on it that day just to experiment like i said i treat alpha brain in cycles like a like a steroid like i'm going back to right again so now i'm back on the alpha brain again and i gotta tell you something man they just announced something for alpha brain you gotta pay attention to joe and harbury they just announced something about answer alpha brain they did some study on it and this shit fucking works man if you look in the fucking improve your mind so i don't know i could sit here for hours and read for you from a sheet about how it helps you know how it doesn't listen go to on it dot com go to the alpha

brain section and read on it take a chance with it buy one bottle it's got a money back guarantee it's got a money back guarantee you don't like it they'll send you the fuck and you don't even have to send the pills back go to on it dot com see what they got i usually work with alpha brain the hemp protein bars the hemp protein shake and i also work with the fucking strong bone and shroom tech i live by i can't i can't say nothing better about shroom tech because shroom tech has got me from point a to point b and working at the pre-workout one yeah hammer you gave me some yeah the fucking uh the with the hips the the the mushrooms in them and all this shit even my kettlebell coach says bro that stuff is fucking amazing go to on it dot com go to joeydeas.net

go to the fucking box on it dot com place your order see what they got read about it if you like something they got go to the box get 10% off get on the mail let's get other bargains what's the what's the code church church ch u r c h go to the on it and see what they got to offer try the fucking alpha brain the shroom tech give it a shot i guarantee you'll notice a difference or you get your money back on the alpha brain all right that's number one number two dollar shave club this weekend again the fucking shower i can't say better things about dollar shave club i wish i'm gonna put together a list of email tutorials what they call that shit testimonials i wish i knew how to put together i have over a hundred fucking email testimonials on dollar

shave club really well it's awesome and that's a six dollar six people seeing it value unparallel it's fucking amazing dollar shave club they send you what you need to your house they got a dollar a six dollar and a nine dollar why go down there and stand on line at fucking riding or whatever the fuck you do with these people i gotta put up with a white guy with a fucking turban on you know why fucking have rusty razors why no go to fucking dollar shave club go to the box or go to joeydias.net go to the boxing press church ch u r c h get started you either get one dollar six dollar a nine dollar package a fixed fucking rate every month you cannot fucking lose you cannot fucking lose and they also got the little asshole wipes they smell like peppermint one wipe charlie

they got the cocoa butter for your face you get a clean fucking shave that's dollar shave club we don't fuck around here right if i got a sponsor it's not really a sponsor i use this fucking shit again hulu plus i don't know what to tell you i don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore you can binge on fucking tv shows you can watch everything you know for hours brooklyn nine nine they got the chick that gets over the good fucking horny chick on cbs they got documentaries they got so many shows don't make your head spin if you go to huluplus.com you're gonna get one week for free and it's gonna be 795 here with the church what's happening now you get two weeks for free i get your next fucking week who does that who sucks your dick before they give you a

pussy for half pro who does that shit only joey does that shit and huluplus does it because they like us and they know i got a fucking nice people and you people i don't want to fucking rob you guys go to huluplus all right give it a two week fucking trial if you like it seven nine nine a month after that that's fucking what that's 90 dollars a fucking year for entertainment what are you gonna get that you go to the comedy store one night you drop 90 fucking dollars so there you go two tickets in the drinks it's 90 fucking dollars parking i'm giving you a year of entertainment huluplus whether you go to go to joey dears or they go to box and whether they press joey joey joey so it's church for omnit joey wine whatever church for omnit church for hulu uh church for

fucking dollar shave club and joey joey for huluplus and that's it what else you i'm here to turn you on for the best things again my man joe rogan i got all these fucking people talking about flotation tanks right you go down there and float with other people and then you go home you start scratching you get balled you got foot fungus you don't need that shit get a deprivation tank put right in your fucking house you want to float you can float in your house go to fucking what's your escape pod tank dot com that guy jeremy is the nicest guy in the world they got a 1 800 number go to the web page read about them see what type of tanks they got they got industrial tanks they got residential tanks they will come to your fucking house and install it okay number

one what i'm hearing from people it's a tremendous tank and you're going to save two to three g's that's what i'm trying to do for you people i'm trying to save you fucking geetus i'm the type of guy that won't sell you a kilo of coke for 16 000 i'll try to get a few for 13 five and i'll broker what two points and maybe a couple lines the type of motherfucker i am you understand me i'm doing the same thing for you with escape pod tank you want to float you want to smoke dope you want to see the devil and go in your tank naked scratch you can whack off on it this is the way to fucking go go to escape pod tank dot com right now see what they got to offer they got an 800 number call jeremy on the fucking phone go jeremy break it down for me bitch break it down for me

jeremy and he'll break it down for you mention joey dears mentioned lisa yat mentioned steve samon mentioned church i don't give a fuck if you mentioned the holy ucarus get 250 fucking dollars off your next tank all right that's it that's how we fucking do with you i'm saving your shit you put up with the ear beating from joey but at the end you get a little fucking present and guess what people if you live in chicago uh milwaukee michigan where the fuck you live i'm gonna be in chicago this weekend at zany's thursday friday and then saturday and rosemead so why are you sitting there go to fucking zany's dot com go to fucking rosemead go to chicago i'm doing the 9 30 show thursday and i got an eight uh seven and nine on friday downtown downtown bitches it's gonna be crackle

lacking and i think i'll get a hot beef sandwich and go shit blow on your own and then sadly i'm in rosemead that's how we fucking do it where you at this weekend my brother uh next weekend i'm in san jose with arie right and then i'm at the cleveland improv and then uh um headline in uh preo march 18 march 18 that's next tuesday night i love it next tuesday night at the bray in public listen steve simone is uh i've known steve for a long time i wouldn't have me with me in the room if it wasn't a real deal uh i love steve i love you too steve is uh is philadelphia all the way i love his comedy you know it's funny because i see steve and steve is just like me we think the world was a lot better place 20 years ago when it was simple steve and i had the type of guys if you

gave us a fucking choice when we were 10 to stay 10 we were the state 10 so when you hear me talking stupidity that's when you hear me talking stupidity and all this shit and farting and sniffing my own farts it's because i'm really fucking 10 i'm really 10 you know you have a fucking you have some bits that just crack me to fuck up because anybody and i don't even have brothers and i watch some of your bits and i jump you know the shit about the pillows and the wrestling and it's just amazing that nobody is really doing what you're doing that you know you take us back everybody wants to be a kid again uh you make me laugh you're such a silly bitch you make me fucking laugh my asshole and the whole philly thing and the whole you're one of the few guys i could say that i hang out

with in this town as a real fucking man thank you after these people just fucking what are they holograms what do you call them holograms they're really a hologram of a man with a big pussy and a bleeding fucking asshole and uh you are a man i'm sick and tired of dealing with kids and these these guys that are older and they come and talk to you the wrong way you're a fucking man and i'm really starting to appreciate men again i'm sick and tired of these non-men motherfuckers that's what they are they're holograms of men i want to hang out with men men men people you look in their eyes and you talk to when you laugh and you giggle and you know where you're at not these little fucking half of faggots that talk to you they don't mean shit when they talk to you

that's the part of the story they don't like damn there was a guy there's a comic i saw there and when you're talking about the plane i thought about him and i won't mention which one but after he got off stage you know how there's an outside patio there's a there's eight thousand chairs there but him and like his posse we're all sitting on the on the wall with their feet on the table and i thought like that that doesn't seem nice and they're all on their phones like giggling like each five people in a row were on their cell phones but like i just i felt like i felt like bad for like the people working there because like they're on the wall with their feet on the counter i'm like you don't put your feet like that's that's what people like put their drinks like

you don't put your feet on the counter that's a bit something that doesn't think that cool and then when you smack those motherfuckers they're the ones that don't like one one first oh oh the fake 911 the fake you smack them real fucking hard like a nick ds smack what bitch they look at you like what'd i do i'm calling 911 oh sue i'm sue and i don't even show up with your attorney they're gonna sue you with some fucking black guy named justice the fuck out of here i love those black attorneys i had one guy and there was a black attorney his name was uh sonny sonny fly was get the fuck out of here he was the first black attorney in bold i don't give a fuck we're trying to cut a deal trying to sell my soul we were driving and this woman almost

backed into me and i had to like go on the horn to get and as soon as she likes you just barely missed me and i was as like afterwards over was like i kind of wish he hit me and i i thought about you i was like the first thing is the first thing i would have said is oh my neck rob boudou bike i hit by a colleague at that i got him on the phone the next day go you fucking retarded goes no no no she was old i don't give a fuck how money was new she was old but the insurance money that's just green and brand new guy goes been holding on to that motherfucker for years in a room filled with frogs and shit like he got hit by a car i fall down i wouldn't get back up for fucking hours i'm out there young i hit a guy with a car one time on a sunset at like

27 000 in my pocket i was holding for the 20 i swear to god i was holding on for the 20 i knew i was like this and i'm gonna go go go he's like you go go finally i go when he gets in front of the thing so i just tap with the car and he falls he's got a couple rocks on his leg and shit and people like call the police i'm like get the fuck out of here call the police this guy's a bum and i'm holding on let me buy you a cup of coffee though i'm just trying to give him the seven dollars let me give you a cup of coffee it's gonna be all right so i don't know i'm hearing things i gave him the 20 god damn it i had to give him my weed 20 my last 20 and i left there you know you get hit by a car you got a sue you got a phone oh i missed it call the jews get the

jews and it's hysterical when you call an attorney and you get like a white attorney call him and tell him you got hit by a car on the phone just try and call for the free deep call for the free quote call the white guy see how he'll treat you oh come in in your own time watch how the jew treats you where are you right now i'm here laying here in blood we'll be there three fuck with a camera don't move don't move we'll be right over there they show up at they show up at the hospital with flowers jews in the park the past they pat you on the back i said we care about you write down the details write down the guy's name we'll get you at the car and what else did you hear anything did you see any colors i mean jews will get it out of you so great you see pictures of hitler

why you were going down jews will get a useful picture hitler let's write that down that's next to 30 g's right there i fucking love you gotta get a jew attorney what's up brother nothing i'm trying to think what are you thinking about no no no i uh no i'm just i almost on the Santa Monica exit of the 405 you know when you're trying to when you're getting off the off ramp and you look one way and then you look the other way to see if a car's coming i didn't look back the other way and i almost if i had gone a little bit faster i would have killed this guy oh jesus i went i looked one way and i looked that and i didn't look back and i and he like banged in the hood i was like thank god and they kill him because that like it's just sometimes you're lucky in that time i

sometimes you're like you sometimes i just get lucky you hit a guy with a car is that what you say you shouldn't drive a pre-bond you don't hit him oh it was crazy there was something up this weekend there's a lot of accidents and and car and cops out and sometimes you just get lucky man sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do steve some more i'm happy you came in today i was happy to see you and i'm happy you guys asked yeah i wanted uh i wanted to add something different on monday mornings i wanted you in here and uh you're always a sunny and funny guy to have around i just love hanging out monday morning is what it's all about man in my book monday morning it all fucking starts it sets the mood off for the week whole week it's like a date when you pick

up a date things have to be done in the beginning of the date just to clarify the date no be a lot easier for you yep if not it's only be a horrible it's anything same thing with the stand-up set right away you feel that audience you know they're good people they're there to laugh you're like okay we're gonna have fun but if they're tight and they're angry you can just feel it yeah monday mornings to me are very special a lot of comics like working sundays i can't do it because i don't like flying mondays you know i want to be in my bed i want to wake up in my bed monday with my head right around the people i love you know it's not about the money for me on a sunday a lot of clubs if you stay sunday we'll pay this it's not worth it to me bro i like my peace of mind

peace of mind is the most important thing in life yep especially monday a man with your thoughts you know jim barvano said that there's three things a man has to do every day and that's laugh work himself through emotions and uh something else take time to think time to think you have to take time to think bro mondays are about thinking what do you really want what don't you really like you know what don't you really want out of this fucking life this is the choice you have i wish somebody told me this at 25 yeah i wish somebody told me this at 22 i'd be a different human being i'd be a different man so they'd be a lot better fucking better you know and that's what mondays are for take your time you know when you go to a gym take that hour for yourself let you know let yourself

know what makes you happy and what doesn't make you happy and it makes this life a lot fucking better you know and that's it that's that's that's fucking it brother that's it what's up with you what are you doing the rest of the day podcast i don't have any other podcasts today if anyone's listening we moved to jerry roger's to wednesday uh but if you if you're itching for a podcast these mones last one came out yesterday with the guy who wrote hollywood on robin hood men and tights what's the jd shapiro from the comedy store no i don't he was just starting to hang out there when you started to stop hanging out there's good guys from jersey he's working with stanley on a couple on a project right now we just had some laughs

that's the whole podcast is let's just talk about the good time and he wrote and he wrote robin hood men and tights yeah yeah yeah and the best move ever just about hustle he shows up from jersey in la trying to make something happen through his dentist he gets a script to mel brooks through his dentist and that was the script yep and it became robin hood men and tights a day later he's going in for a meeting mel reads it a week later they got a deal done that fast it's a great fucking story and that was a great fucking movie yeah that was named chappell was good he's the one that he he fought for chappell he had seen him do a little bit of stand-up and he was like now this is the guy say obviously they didn't want him i think

it was one of the first things chappell did yes it was uh 94 93 yep that's a good movie i really enjoyed that movie that was uh yeah and always been on it duckin's been on it so it's called good times let's see if someone picture your family yeah yeah yeah me and my brothers with santa claus yeah i'm telling you man you uh take a lot of people back to that which weird how you see people out here that have brothers and sisters and they don't really talk that's sad you know every day or whatever and you bring that family thing back you know the family concept is being lost in this country it's gotta come back and a lot of people didn't understand why i like uh what's the stupid duck dynasty because at the end they showed the meeting dinner yeah and praying as a family

and i don't care what religion they are that means nothing to me at all what meant something to me that we we sat together and we broke bread and called as a family and that's a backbone this country that's why i like coming home also on sundays because i want to eat dinner with my fucking family you know yeah well i have a family you know you're gonna eat dinner with them why you know i watched the the inside comedy with dice clay and i said this 10 times and kevin kneeland he was on the plane yesterday also he was he's so cool kevin kneeland he's a nice guy he's a nice guy and uh uh dice clay said you know when uh he had all the problems when paramon paid him off and all that have you watched it i'm sure i'm great inside comedy he talks about going uh they

called him from some gig at the bevy hills thing and he went up there and opened up with so i got my tongue up some chicks ass all car liner it's right up to the bevy hills helping oh i remember hearing i remember dice telling me that story years ago they said that you can't you couldn't curse and he went up that opened up with that and the room was just fucking electrified they took him like eight minutes to get there he was all jews you know so uh he talked about that after that it was very disappointing for him you know because they took away his movie deal and people were saying this about him he goes you know but in a way i was happy because i had two boys and it was time to be a father i want to raise my boys he goes

why make a hundred million dollars if you got two fucked up kids yep he goes why make a hundred movies if you got two fucked up kids you accomplish you know when i tell people why don't work sundays to look on their faces a lot of people don't think i don't work sundays because i'm a primadonna no because i know a lot of comics that blew their marriages because they were always out on the road you know and uh i didn't want to blow my marriage it meant a lot to me i fucked up my first marriage i didn't want to fuck up this girl and i started that decision when i was dating her i started not working sundays probably 2004 was when i said i don't want to do this no i don't want to work a sunday you know and i fought with i fought with rogan about it for

years and finally he saw the light i think it's a scrub night to work for me you know that's how i feel about it i don't want to do it it's the it's the only thing that we have it's our only voices as a comic that i was happy with i don't want to sit in the hotel one more day on the sunday it's the press for a 730 show for 90 people that reluctantly went because anybody knows like i told vinny brand this week in jersey you know what are you gonna open up a club during football season in new jersey there's certain cities that nothing is going to get done on a sunday night new england yeah right new jersey you know texas philly shuts down miami philly shuts down nobody wants to laugh they've already done what they need to do now they get ready for fucking monday you

know yeah and i have my issues with it it was never because i was a primadonna i just believed i don't and i'm not even going back to the catholic thing i'm talking about joey ds i'm talking about what i really wanted for me i really wanted to be home on sunday to eat dinner with my wife i thought it was fucking important to me to sit across from her i don't care if it was a subway sandwich right i don't care if it's mike delhi i always say that it doesn't matter what you're reading it's who you're eating with who you're reading with a hundred percent that's what meant to me so do me a favor people sundays is your fucking wife day you're i know that we all want to do this and then who gives a fuck you think tom brady's worried about you you think the giants

are worried about you you think these people give a fuck about you you know your family is the most important thing your friends your brothers and that's what we try to promote here at the church it's fucking sunday dinners and that's it that's the only reason why it's not that fucking i think i'm better than anybody i don't want to work sundays i just don't i want to be on a plane sunday when i want to catch the wheat store before it opens and i want to relax and i'd say what are you giggling about cocksucker i just love that you you have this talk i just i just don't really i just love that you're arguing about it but no it's uh i don't think you've worked sundays since i've known you i don't want to i don't want to do comedy on sunday i don't believe it i don't want to stay in

a fucking foreign town that last day is just murder first flight out is the best way to go out out six out even if you have fucking dead absolutely because you're out now i'm home i'm gonna blow a day you're flying i'm gonna blow a day you're flying i could have flown virgin atlantic american i couldn't do it i didn't want to wait in jersey till one that got me in at four o'clock yep didn't want to do it american got me a straight flight at six o'clock at night they wanted me to wait i can't do it right i can't do it no more sunday i don't even think about i don't care if i don't get sleep i didn't sleep saturday night i got back to the room at two o'clock they've pushed the clocks forward by an hour right my wake up call they were picking me up at

four thirty that means three thirty they picked me up i didn't sleep i didn't fucking sleep i watched uh some msnbc about bergain county jail just see if i knew anybody just to see if any left over did you denny bencooler's brother remember denny bencooler he was on the show no but he's in bergen county jail okay so i wanted to see if they showed him at the jail waver to jump up and down with black people or the white supremacists i don't fucking know so i watched it the wake up call i went downstairs and i got the fucking car i went to the airport that's it that you know i don't want fly and waste my day there's nothing when you waste your day for you're not gonna get nothing done in the city you're in yeah because you're leaving at three yep you're not gonna get nothing done

you might eat breakfast with your mom or something but in the back of your mind you're thinking your whole time when you're sitting with mom thought yeah you got it's anxiety you're leaving why am i doing this i should have left this is a half a day here for nothing i'm spending a half a day here i'm gonna get that lamp i got out of my car ten i got a drive on the four five with my luck there'll be another hour yeah absolutely there was traffic yesterday on land i got the h o v lane i didn't give a fuck i got an h o v lane who's gonna give you a ticket on the lord's day i just shot up that once he's fucking protestant i just shot up the fucking h o v lane that sunset hill till i got the whatever and i got on there i don't have you know no no man i want there's ways to you know people

that extra day is my money because i'm not home so every hour i stay out is my money yeah so the the more i the closer i come home the more money i make do you follow my juice yes your mind yeah so if you give me 1200 i gotta stay from tuesday to monday afternoon i get back in the town on monday or four because i wanted to sleep late monday morning right that money covered that that means that what my money is you're saying no joey that's in my fucking jew mind yeah how much you got in the bank maybe check the bank account yeah not today it hasn't opened yet hasn't opened a fucking web page bank of america you gotta check your bank account three times a day that's always don't on the phone that's if you're cat i'm talking about you're jewish i'm on there 15 minutes

some mornings i feel like a jew you know sometimes you wake up uh sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't um and joey's got nuts some mornings i wake up i'm a stone cold jew i'm on that bank of america fucking web page eight times an hour to make sure i get my interest for the day a penny or two you know the only the only i don't i never carry cash the only thing i actually have a little bit of cash but the only thing i really have in my wallet right now is paul's mom gave me two mexican voodoo two little uh marbles and she said keep this in your wallet it's good for money always and i look at the only thing i have i have like two marbles in my wall right now spanish people in the hands itch oh somebody's getting paid you rub your hands you put your

money in your pockets it should like give me the gi this is coming what's your money what's your hand itches yeah put your hand in your pocket right now you put that hand in your pocket that's fucking dino that's fucking the cash oh speaking of spanish do you know what the worst fart i've had in a while it was what savijer farts oh that fucking vinegar with that seafood that's like a douche bag for your stomach it was good but oh that shit's good nothing like i fought on the plane yesterday that chick with the poor little girl next year but you got on the plane yeah you're on a plane so and then he comes from your legs we could blame on anybody so what music you got for me today to close this motherfucker off with today i got some other crew for you all right

late listen people i love you guys i'm happy you uh tuned in to the church what's happened now on you stream thank you very much for all the love and support you give us like i said this week i'm in chicago my brother steve simon is for uh this weekend i'm gonna go visit family then i'm back at brea tuesday the 18th tuesday the 18th at brea what's brea's phone number nine four nine anybody know it off the top of the head give me two seconds get those tickets today from brea you're gonna have a good time watch 18 who's on the show if you bring them you know what i'm looking to bring some heat the last time i brought uh alfred robles in court mcown i got my flyer i was gonna have a buddy named steve mazon that i did comics on duty with he had a back out so now i always try

to bring other headliners with me i love to go down with you but i got the i got the thing with dug hot getting high with dug at the whatever theater you can't let go yeah of course i usually always bring augustino when i can get him the mc or something and then try to get another head he's off tuesday night so he's yeah exactly so he's good tuesday night tagastino's a good guy brea is seven one four four eight two oh seven hundred all right seven one four four eight two oh seven hundred call brea and probably get your tickets right now for steve simon tuesday march 18th you're gonna have a great time it's like going it's like going to fucking uh it's like going to what's the italian restaurant which one olive garden when you're there your family and you have to

pray improv with steve simon you're with family always a big thanks to my brother lisa iat the flying jew one of the best jews god put on the fucking plan i don't even know if god made him i think the jew frankenstein god made him and some shit put my main man together as bad as fucking jew i'm just hope you get healthy and you're gonna be a bad lead you're 25 do you understand i was getting to a point before they talked to a friend of mine and he was telling me that he worked i mean this kid was a genius growing up and he goes like what do you do for a living though he goes i run a roofing company i go how do you run a roof when did you become a roofer he goes all those summers that i worked going to MIT i roofed why and he goes when i lost my

engineering job he goes the firm moved to china whatever the fuck they moved to he goes i was left in the fucking bag and he goes i always talked to the owner he goes he became one of my tireless friends and i always give him advice and he goes even on some salaries when i have nothing to do i go back to the roof and i roof that's always cost so he goes i created a position in this company that they never had before and he goes i'm doing better than ever that's great he goes so i have this position now where i sell i estimate and i run the jobs it's like i forget what the position he called himself and he goes and from time to time i got on the fucking roof that's great and he goes i'm making six figures a year he goes it's a huge roofing company

so i was thinking about lee i'm like you know i see lee likes comedy yeah lee does podcast he's grown he's grown as a human being he sees about comedy he sees the ins and outs you know i don't blow smoke up his ass i shut him behind the curtains and i prove it to him i show him i go did you see that yeah okay now you know when least 35 least only manage people at least let me one of the top comedy managers in this country like the way they talk about dave becky and absolutely and fucking joe rogan's manager lee's gonna have that you're gonna have that because you're gonna have that knowledge you saw you sat here you know people run to dan asanto because he hung out with bruce lee yeah what was he doing tell us his secrets what do you

know yeah you know i'm not saying i'm bruce lee but you're running with a variety of comics you're not just running with bruce lee you're running with steve samon you're running with the agostino you talk to arie you see all these people you know uh so it's after a while you're gonna go why not after a while you're gonna make a con you're gonna see a comic making a mistake and then you're gonna play a scientific trick on yourself you're gonna read this is what i do i read something uh variety and you go that's a mistake and you see it's a mistake now you start getting confidence in your choices yeah you'll start to see it you know you already know all they hide this guy for this that's not going to work out not that you're a hater you start

learning about the bride and all of a sudden you're gonna say fuck it i'm not doing this no more and you're gonna start maddening something's gonna happen with you where somebody's gonna come to you and go since you were 23 you weren't working with comedians bro if you don't know the girl at super artist deseret yeah she's 18 she's 19 she grew up in the comedy game yep when she's 25 she's gonna run shit in this town so that's the opportunities that sometimes yeah me too hey monday march 10th it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive go in there and get your lunch money somebody's got your fucking money in their fucking pocket somebody's got your lunch money in their fucking pocket go out and get it i love you guys steve who's better than you motherfucker i love you

thank you my 18th brand find you get it together cocksucker go to leeside.com all the other podcasts i do steves and everybody else's uh and that's it uh now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for dollar shape for your free trial of dollar shape of huluplus.com huluplus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of huluplus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar

shave club banner and thank you to escapepodtank.com go there for your sensory deprivation techniques and save $250 by mentioning joeyds what are you wish for oh yeah oh If you can't hold me Well, you're my un-making match She got the look I kill Thank you

She got the look that kills Thank you She got the look She got the look that kills She got the look that kills Thank you She keeps the motor clean Can't believe me

She's a number 14 Watch out for me tonight She's looking out of my door She's gonna turn on a juice boy She's looking out of my heart She's got the look that kills Thank you She got the look that kills

Thank you She got the look She's got the look that kills She's got the look that kills She's got the look that kills She's got the look Hey! Can't listen to

See the way this song It's a little bit boring Still so last for part It's a little bit boring It's a little bit boring It's a little bit boring You're my un-making match She's got the look that kills

Thank you She's got the look that kills Thank you She's got the look She's got the look that kills She's got the look that kills She's got the look that kills She's got the look that kills

She's got the look that kills