Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #159 - The Church Of What's Happening Now

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Comedian Rick Ramos (host of Watch This) joins Joey and Lee in studio. Comedy manager Barry Katz calls in for one of the best calls in the shows history. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 03/17/2014.

And on that note, this show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get a high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and go to escapepodtank.com for all your sensory deprivation tank needs. You're already going to save thousands with them. But if you mentioned joey Diaz, the church, lisa, anything,

you're going to get $250 off. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Monday, motherfucker. Watch that pussy. Let's do this shit. Why be a fucking mutt like everybody else? It's Monday, motherfucker. What? Why be a Jew if you ain't gonna rob somebody? Fuck it. Let's do this shit. Jump. Get up. Wash your pussy. Clean that helmet. Pull the skin back. Wash the barnacles out of your ass. Somebody out there's dying to give you a rim job. What? Someone's dying to give me a rim job? Right here. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Happy St. Patty's Day to all the real motherfuckers out there in the struggle. I love you. Happy Monday. It's March 17th today. 30 days there have not smoked

reefer. How's that for you, motherfuckers? How's that for you, motherfuckers? 28 years on the blow, I quit without a hug and rehab. No, because my kid molested me. Go fuck yourself. You look at something, you go, fuck it. It's over. One day I got up and I go, you know what? I'm doing kettlebell classes. I go for a walk with a stroller. I fucking go to Jiu-Jitsu and my lungs fucking suck dick. I got to do something. So I said, fuck it. No more reefer. I've been coming on day three. I can't take it no more. I've got the fuck. You grab your nuts and you tell the addiction to suck your dick. And that's it. I'm still smoking vapors. I ate a chi-bochi yesterday, but I heard a rumor you were jumping up and down. You said that on day four. What do you mean? Oh, I missed the way you broke.

The fuck is wrong with you? You know I'm a fucking savage like that. Shit. If you're not gonna just look at something, tell it to suck your dick. You got problems, you know what I'm saying? Rick Ramos in the house here. My favorite fucking movie guy in Mexican in the world since Viva Sapa. And LaBombo. That's his new name. LaBombo. The Mexican movie dude. LaBombo. What's going on, Lisa? How was the weekend? It was great. I had a weekend alone for the first time, which I thought I would be like, I was lonely, I missed her, but it was great to be alone for a weekend. Especially in your new apartment. You got the, you're still unpacking. No, no, I'm pretty much done. It's not gonna end till 2019. I gotta do some chronic stuff, hang pictures, but I'm done.

You still gotta hang the posters, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We've got like 92 fuckers. You think you bring one down here? No. You don't bring one. I'm gonna bring the flag back here. The good fuck, everything. He's got everything. This fuck. Fuck yeah. She low page. What else do you do? I'm trying to bring one up. Oh, like three. I hurt my back. I don't know what it is. Where's your back jerking off? No, I'm moving. Not jerking off your asshole. He's a fucking kid. What'd you pick up? What'd you pick up? You had movers come over. What'd you move? You had movers come on. I know, but I had to pack and then I would I help the movers and then I was moving stuff around my place. It's over the time. I hurt my back. It was pick up the juicer.

You hurt your back. Pick up the juice. Did you sell that juicer yet? No. Why don't you raffle it off? What's the question? Why don't you mind your business? We're never gonna drink another fucking juice again. You said fuck that shit. That was one of the roughest things. That's worse than being a Nazi Germany. They can just juice a motherfucker. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna support that statement. I'm sorry, Rabbi. See you. I still got on a Monday. St. Patty's Day. I love you, fucking Jews. I love you, motherfucker. Can you imagine it? What? Tell them that you what would you rather do? Juice this fucking carrot, cucumber mix or get in that fucking camp and get a tattoo. This podcast is brought to you by who?

This podcast is brought to you by fucking love. That's what we're talking about. These are just jokes. You should have seen Lee's face when he was juicing. You wish you would have seen it. I would say how that's juices and he would tell me yes. Well, he just died. Painful. It's like I rather get a 20 and light on fire in front of him. He was struggling with that fucking juice. Well, that juicing is fucking rough, man. You don't feel full. You're shitting all the time. No, you're not shitting. You're not shitting. After about the first week, you don't shit. I didn't shit for about three weeks. You didn't drop some flax seed or flax seed shit in there. I did fish oil. Fish oil is that won't make you shit. The flax seed is what's

going to take it out. You got little pellets, but when you're just juicing, it's not much. Oh my Christ. I can't do it. I don't mind a fruit juice. That place he took me to in Hollywood was good. That's delicious. Which one? The Mexicans over there in Hollywood Boulevard? That's a good spot. We've been going over there since Jesus left Chicago, man. They were on Vine. All those hotels and all those buildings threw them out. They were an empty parking lot. It looked like a fucking Clint Eastwood movie. It was a dead fucking parking lot with bushes growing on, and there was a little hut in the middle, like the last hut on earth. That's what it looked like on Hollywood Boulevard when I moved here. There was that big hotel in the corner on Hollywood,

then Vine, where Chewie lived, and then as you went down, that was abandoned buildings and rats, and there was a little fucking hut in the middle of that. It looked like there was a nuclear war, and bombed everything, and this is the only hut that lived, and you went in this hut, and there were pictures of all these fucking movie stars. I remember the, oh, the pictures one. I thought you meant about the drawings on the walls and all that shit. Fucking crazy place, man. They make a pink cloud, the milk with the honey and the strawberries. Oh, I know. I had the same thing with orange. They don't fuck around. No, they fucking, they deliver. They make a good sandwich. They make the juice.

Chicken salad. The lettuce. Yeah. When you introduced me to that, that was like, oh. Eight dollars for a smoothie and a fucking sandwich, bro. You can't lose it. That whole thing has changed everything. Remember, we used to have some great places to eat. What were the Mexicans that had the barbecue spot? It's a beer place now. It's fucking horrible now. That's what we used to fucking make all the Joey Karate videos. Really? Bravo, though. That spot was the original place, bro. The barbecue beef in there. There was something in there, and you could go in there when you were losing weight.

Like, I went in there on weight watches. We were in there all the time over there. They had shit. That was a reward for ourselves. That was a reward. They had little fucking things over there and stuff. There was some spots in Hollywood. Then they got corporate, and a weed came in, and the weed stores, and that was the end of that. But there was a lot of, but there's a lot of bad food in Hollywood, too. A lot of bad food, bro. And I told Lee the one day, you gotta watch Hollywood Boulevard. It's bad. 90% other. You know, you got Moussard, Franks, even Michellies. Michellies, let me tell you something. My loyalty to Italian food,

I love it. I love it. But Michellies, I'll go to, and it's a 60-40 shot. You can't eat the bread. The bread will break your heart. And they're from Chicago. It's popping fresh dough, which just, don't even bring it to the table. Do me that favor. Don't even insult me. What's wrong with it? Is it too hard or? Popping fresh dough. That's what's fucking wrong with it, okay? What does that mean? Give me an Italian place. Give me an Italian bread. That's what it fucking means, Lee. That's what it fucking means, okay? But the meatballs aren't bad. The meatball sausage combination with half the order of pasta isn't bad. You know, it's not. Can you find good Italian food in LA, though? Is there anywhere? I mean,

it's like, I've given up. There's a place that's a numbers, too. What you have is two different type of Italian places. You have the old-fashioned places, which it's a recipe passed on to Mexicans, and they make the sauce. Do they know what they're doing? Yes, they do. I got two stories for you. And then you have the people that are trying to do the new way of Italian. The chicken, cut you to a read with the wine, and shit that Italians don't even know. You know what I'm saying? It's a ciabatta bread. They don't even know what you're asking Italian about. What are you talking about? What are we talking about? Italian food. I went to a place, Marios, Marios Gulf Coast in Chicago this week. I'm just crossing the hotel. I didn't go on expecting much. It was an old-school

family restaurant. It had been there since 1985, whatever, 1920. I don't even know. I'm sitting there. I order the fucking mussels, white wine, and I order spaghetti and meatballs because why fuck around? If the meatballs suck, then we got another discussed business way. And the mussels came. They're very delicious, and I didn't touch the bread. I ate the salad they gave me. I just ate the mussels. I didn't dip the bread in the fucking sauce, and I said, you're in Chicago. Then I had the pasta. And while I was eating, I kept seeing a guy, not the best-looking guy in the world, not a guy in a tuxedo or a suit or a leather jacket. He was a construction worker going from table to table, sending over wines,

sending over sample desserts, and I watched until he came up to my table. And by that time, I was paying my cat, and I was wiping my face, and he goes, hey, what do you think of the meal? And I'm like, thank you. He goes, I'm Mario. I own the joint. Thank you for coming in today. What did you think? And we got into a conversation about a grill calamari, that his is the best. He marinates it with cheese and all this shit. And I'm fucking full, if not, I would have ordered it. And I stopped him. I go, can I tell you something? I stopped. I go, you just gave me belief in society again. When you deal with all these corporations on a daily basis, whether it's Sprint, American Airlines, and I'm not putting anybody down here,

I'm just stating the fact, even Starbucks, when you deal with anything of that nature, they've really taken away something from that. And that's called customer service. Some people, it's their nature. Like Lee, no matter what Lee would do, Lee always strives. I'll stop and get you something. You're always right. There's people that do that on an individual basis, but that's not what these corporations teach. That's not what they teach only. To see this guy go from every table. Now he told me, he even said to me right there, he goes, you finish because I'll send it over. A little sample play for you. And I said, no, but thank you. Thank you for bringing customer service

back into people's lives again. And I noticed, I'm right there. I said, you know, if I had a McDonald's, me, who I am, Joey Diaz, I would have somebody who would walk the floor, a ugly white chick, whatever, who gives a fuck. It just feels good that somebody cares that you spent $5 or $500. That's what's the difference when you spend $5 that I make you feel good about it. You know, what's the weird thing, though, is that you come from a time when that was popular. That's what you were supposed to do. Now, if somebody comes up to him, I'm like, what the fuck? Why are you hanging over me? You know, it's like, because it's such an unnatural thing because nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares about your fucking enjoyment of the meal. Or did

we do it right? Or oh, we can't have that. Let's let me let me do this for you. I'll bring something. I'll make it something real nice special for you. That shit doesn't exist anymore. Nobody gives a fuck. They want you in. They want you finished. They want you out within a reasonable amount of time so they can turn that fucking table over and get somebody else in there doing the same bullshit. It really is amazing. And I shook his hand and I'll tell you what I did. I said, what time you opened up to Michael's 4.30. I fucking worked out at two. I ran. I did the Dolce run 40 minutes, bro. I went upstairs. I stretched. I did a couple of things with your stomach. And I said, fucking, when I got in the house, I was good and fucking hungry. Yeah. And I walked in there at

4.40 to my word because of his commitment to his job. I walked in there at 4.40 on my word. And I went in there. He gave me the grill. As soon as I walked in, Sidney, Joey's here. He knew my name. That was the guy's name, Sidney. Sidney, don't say another fucking word. Don't say another fucking word. Find the best at Jimmy Surrano on YouTube, please. It's my boy. He's here. He's in his fucking pants. I'll stab you out. Sidney got a cream. So he goes, Sidney, that's the guy's name Sidney. Joey's here. He remembered my name. He goes, give him the thing. I got that. And I got something else. What did I get the other day? Oh, I got the fucking Mahi Mahi with spinach. And it was delicious. I got some great talking of which. The next day,

I went to Rosemont. Limitation of the weekend in Chicago was just superb. I got Chicago as its own city. It stands on its own two legs. It does. I got to say something. I'm gonna go on a limb by saying this. A lot of people are gonna be pissed at me. I look at this country as two major fucking cities, New York and Chicago. You know, LA, I don't fucking know about sometimes. I really don't know about it. It doesn't even fucking feel like a city. But fucking Chicago, I'll tell you what, my hearts go out to you people. Zany's downtown. Zany's, Roma. I don't give a fuck. Rosemont. I don't care where you came from. I had a great time all five shows. I really did. The food was great. I went to a Hyatt. They put me in a Hyatt the next day, next to the Rosemont site. It's a

big mall there. And they have a ton of hotels. They have expensive hotels. They have a court with the Hyatt. I walked in, I was fucking starving. Okay, I was fucking starving because you have to drive from downtown to Rosemont. And it was lunchtime. I was just starving. I didn't eat lunch. I just got in the car and it was like 45 minutes. It was traffic. It was a parade. I got out of that fucking car and I checked in. I went upstairs and looked at the menu and I'm like, this is one of these fucking hotels. Whatever. I go downstairs, bro. Everybody spoke Spanish. There wasn't one fucking American. I go to the fucking thing. I'm already scared. I go to the fucking thing on a table for one. The guy puts me all the way in the back. I tell him, goño, I start talking to him in Spanish.

He got me in the Gula Mundo. That means the ass of the world. Then once he knew I was Spanish, he gave me a good fucking table. I go, put me over there with, you know, around people. And they like, you got me back there like a fucking bombito, like a vampire. So I'm sitting there and I order, guess what? I open up with a nice salad. A cucumber salad with, boom, delicious. Lettuce was fucking superb. You know, you bite into lettuce and it's cracked and shit. It's got that mist on it. They put pepper on it. Oh, it was delicious. I inhaled that fucking salad. And then I asked the guy, what do you think? And against my fucking wishes, just something. I had a belief in the Mexican against my wishes. I said, well, how's the salmon? He goes off the chain. But the thing is

that it was an ole-ole sauce, lemon ole-ole sauce, A-O. I call it ole-ole. And he said it was blackened. I don't like blackened shit. I go ole-ole. I mean, you don't like fish. You know, with spinach and the fucking little mashed potatoes. This motherfucking salmon dog was world class. I mean, world fucking class. It was perfect. I looked behind the line to Mexicans and the black motherfucker, like they're sweating up sweat on that fucking thing. I love it. That's what that fish was. It was black sweat on my fish. You can't burn that off. You understand me? That's the flavor, motherfucker. That's why I love black people. This motherfucker was serious. The next morning I had breakfast in there. The eggs were soup fucking perv. I had eggs with

two slices of wheat toast and tomatoes. Guys, fucking amazing. When you, you know, we get shit fucking vegetation out here. It was horrible. It's shit fucking vegetation. Well, because it can't grow out here. You get met. You go to the Midwest. God damn those tomatoes. You dig it. It's like bloods in them. Like blood drips down. It's like being in a fucking rake and bad, whatever. I was telling somebody, if things continue to be what they are in LA and you can't get the work and things go, don't go right. And once my parents are just, you know, they're not a thought anymore. I'm getting the fuck out of LA. I'm going to Chicago and I hope it's still what it is because Chicago, I did four years in Chicago. I love Chicago. I love that seat. It's got a

fucking life to it. It's got vibrancy character. The neighborhoods are cool as shit. You can get any food that you want. The people are cool as all hell. I miss that place more than anything. I really missed it when I went back this time. And I saw one time I was there and my phone broke and I had to take that one for the UFC. I was there with Joe for the UFC and on Saturday before the fucking fight, my phone broke. I had to shoot through the sprint store, take a cab and it was right in the same neighborhood. So I knew where I was. The first thing I did when I got off the plane Thursday, I got off the plane at fucking 12 o'clock. The plane was early and I got off, went right to the hotel and I just threw my luggage. I washed my hands and I walked over and

got Italian hot beef with a sausage and it was fucking delicious. I had only one on Thursday and I didn't work out Thursday night, but I ran fucking Friday and Saturday. So hopefully I melted it off. Maybe I didn't. It was good. But no fries. That's what we learned from Weight Watchers. We always learned to avoid those secondary calories. Remember, we used to go to In-N-Out. In-N-Out, we used to do 13 points. In-N-Out, 13 fucking points. The burger, half the fries, or I get like a tea or something like that. Don't waste it on shit. That was the good thing about Weight Watchers. I would find myself in a situation where I'd be hanging out with my friends and everybody's drinking and they'd be like, we'll have a beer. I was like, well, what kind of

they have? If they don't have Guinness, there's no point in doing it. That's the only beer that I like. Why am I going to fuck up my points for a fucking corona? You know what I mean? I don't like corona. I can drink a corona. I can drink a corona with wings, with buffalo, with buffalo wings, and blue cheese. A corona goes down fucking good, dog. And I don't drink. I'm not a beer person. It makes me feel like a bitch, but I've gotten really into the ciders recently. I don't know. It makes me feel like a girl a little bit, but some of them are fucking good. Yeah. I almost got some today, but I didn't know if we could drink in here for St. Paddy's Day. I almost stopped and got a few. You should have got a few. You should have got a few.

You should have got a few. You should have got a few. Look who cares. Look who cares. You're eating a goomy. It's seven in the fucking morning. What's a fucking... It's a little easier to hide. You know what I'm saying? What's a little Gozanga fucking? Whatever the fuck. Gozanga? What the fuck? I've seen a little Jimmy Sorano. I haven't heard this in a long time. Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone. Yeah, Jimmy. He's right here. Hold on. This is Chicago's home about. I love this fucking. I love this movie. I thought you told me this guy was gonna be on the plane. That's the information we got, Jimmy.

That's the information we got. I'm gonna tell you something. I want this guy taken off. I want him taken off fast. You and that other dummy better start more personally involved in your work, or I'm gonna stab you to the heart with a fucking pencil. You understand me? You got it, Jimmy. What are you hanging around for? Take a walk. I heard somebody picked up my dukes in New York. It's old news, Sidney. I'm already on it. I don't have to tell you what'll happen if he becomes a government witness. I can assure you that will not be the case. Yeah, I showed you we're taking that position, but I am supposed to advise you against such acts. Sidney, relax. Have a cream soda. It didn't happen. Say that again, Tommy. It just didn't happen. I mean, it was cops all over the place.

There was a million fucking feds all over. Jimmy, it was a mess. It was a real mess. You better get off the line, Jimmy. Sidney. If I've got a tap on that line there. Sidney, shut your fucking mouth. Now listen to me, dummy. Poor Sidney. Do they have Mardukas in custody or not? Jimmy, I don't know. I mean, the cops just swore all over the place. We couldn't see anything. Let me tell you too stupid, motherfucker, something. I don't want to get another phone call like this because of fighting. I'm gonna get on a fucking plane and I'm gonna blow torch to both of you. Do you understand? You want to stop? I'm on the phone. I'm talking to Jimmy. What are you doing? I should have told Washington, Chicago a long time ago. Don't say a word to me, Sidney. Don't say

a fucking word to me. That's my greatest telephone in your head. I don't understand the problem with you guys. This is real deep. You just got an earthquake in California. You heard it fucking live on the church of what's happening now, motherfucker. That's the spirit of Dennis Farina coming. That's the spirit of Dennis Farina. I got a little bit scared there for a minute. This is my fucking breath away, people. Oh, shit. I was like, this is the fucking end. This is the end. If that wasn't adrenaline rush, motherfucker, you witnessed it live on the church of what's happening now and we're still balls deep. It was fucking vapor. Look at the vapor tipped over, but it didn't break. I'm not my mom. I'm coming home. I'm going home. I'll see you in Boston.

Nice to know you. This motherfucker till the end. That was the biggest one I've ever felt. Oh my God. I would have slept right through that. I would have slept right through that, man. Oh, fuck. That's crazy. I was trying to pay attention to me, Serrano. I was like, all right. I thought I was imagining it for a minute. I didn't know what the hell that was. Oh, shit. That was insane. Do you want me to pause this so you can call Terry? No, no, no. She'll call us if there's a problem. Jesus Christ. You witnessed it live on the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Living in Los Angeles. We're going, going back, back to Cali, Cali. All right. I need this for a second alone. Back, back to Cali, Cali. Oh my God. That was fucking insane, man.

Anything come up on it? Oh my God. Monday, March 17th. That's the fucking Irish. I love you, motherfuckers. Did you wake up? Oh my God. Oh my God. I was ready to run over that. I didn't know. I love you guys. I love you too. I was talking to my ladies and gentlemen, a fucking earthquake that was fucking rocking. That was fucking rocking. Look at my phone. It's all fucked up. Bitches be sucking my dick. Look at this shit. Oh shit. I mean, I want to be around. We're still going to be around to see how he does it. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Let's see if the puzzle fits a fucking earthquake, ladies and gentlemen. He said Chicago was nice. You want to head there now? Yeah. You just call? You okay? You feel the earthquake? Tremendous. All right. Call me back. Love you. We're on the podcast live. Well, you know what was weird? I saw something this weekend that I hadn't really noticed. What was that? I've lived in the valley for three years since I've been here. I haven't really ventured out of it. And I had to come back from Culver City because I was getting the t-shirts. And I went through Beverly Hills because the 405 is crazy.

Beverly Hills doesn't seem like a place I'd want to live. All the houses, they're all mansions, but they're all right on top of each other. No one has a yard in Beverly Hills. There's a ton of traffic going through it. When you hear Beverly Hills, you think it's winding streets. I was coming back through it to get back to the valley and it was gross. It's weird. I don't like it down there at all. It's a stature. It's where you live. It's telling somebody you live in Beverly Hills with a look of a brow. I live in Beverly Hills. Oh my God. I love yogurt. You have to have those tastes. That's what suits you. On the way to Chicago, I sat next to a so-called friend. I know him from the business and we discussed and he's telling me how he's having a hard time. And I know since I know him, he's always wanting to be hanging with the Jones motherfuckers.

He just can't be the best at what he does. He has to be hanging with the Jones. He had a little bit of success and he went and bought a house on Mulholland Drive. You go up there and you're like, it's beautiful. But this is out of your round, guy. What you doing? You knew it. Ten years ago when I went over there the first time, I fucking knew it. And I know as a comic, room number one, don't buy nothing until your fourth fucking year on the TV show. Don't buy nothing. And what happens? Second year in the TV show, the show goes under. And now he has to go on the road to make a fucking living. And there's no Twitter, there's no Facebook. And his numbers are going to fucking down. And every once in a while he gets a savior from here or there.

But eventually you're dipping. Well, I bumped into him the other day and absolutely he told me. They yanked all his credit cards. He's paying his mortgage with a fucking cash every month. He can't answer the phone. He can't put his dates on his website. You know? And I said to him, you know, at the end of the day I go, and he was telling me how his family is sick, somebody's sick and the insurance won't cover this percentage. And I just said to him, passingly, I go, you know, what if you sold the house? How much would you... And he already did the math. He goes, I would clear $700,000.

But he goes, I just can't do that. You know why he can't do it? Because of what people would think. Me? I don't give a fuck if I could clear $700,000. I would have done it yesterday. 200,000. I could buy a house in Kentucky that rivals those homes. Yeah. And for 200,000. And 300,000 in Kentucky. You know what kind of house I got? I got a helicopter pad. I got pools. They even throw in three Chinese women. They even throw them in. No ID, no none. Do what you want with them. Butlers, kill them, stabs, whatever the fuck you want. That's what you get. And you get $400,000.

So no matter how bad things are, you could still go out every week, whether there's three or 20 people and do this to your 60. He looked at me and goes, I can't do that. That told me. Right there, our conversation. The reason why he's broke isn't because he doesn't make money. To the normal human being, he makes $120,000,000 a year. A person, a normal person, an American, the national income average is $53,000. So $120,000 would do somebody just fucking fine. This guy, his mortgage is $16,000,000,

in a month. Jesus Christ. You can't, you can't, you gotta bam on that. That's the problem with fucking people. And this is the reason, this is where debt increased. You know, some people, I never could imagine putting debt from a credit card to go to Vegas. Like I could never even fathom that. Like I'm going to Vegas on a credit card. People live outside of the means all the time. People live outside of the means and then you have to come to the dose of reality. When I was married the first time and I went through what I went through with the credit cards,

I, towards the end, I was just lazy. I just wanted to be a lazy comic. I wanted to try to be an artist. You know, drink coffee all day. Which at that time I didn't. I just smoked fucking pot all day. But it's, you know, you try to be this thing and I live off cards. Well, you gotta fucking pay those goddamn cards. You're making me nervous. No, they come after you. They'll fucking find you. They want their money and they want the interest and the penalties and all that shit. And if you don't have it, they'll take every guy,

they're fucking, they don't care. They're soulless bastards. I was working. I was working. This is about 15 years ago. I was working collections, gas cards, 220 day overdues. All we were supposed to do, we would have a queue of about 30 or 40 people in this thing. And all we had to do was make a collection so that we could kick them back to another one. Next month we were going to see them again, but I had to get a, I had to get a minimum payment and it was like, I got on the phone with this woman and she was just like, you know what?

I just got out of the hospital. They took away one of my lungs. I'm losing my house and you think I'm going to give you 25 fucking dollars? And I just sat there and I was like, why am I doing this? Why am I fucking, you know, this is where people are at. They get themselves into this situation. Sometimes by their own fault, sometimes by, sometimes just by, you know, big spandex, it moves quick, you know, but it could easily turn into something else. It could, like your friend, like, I tell people this is like, what I want. I want a small little place with a yard big enough for a dog.

Anything else? Fuck it. I don't need anything else. I know what's important to me. My comfort, place to watch my movies, and a fucking dog that I'm, you know, because I don't want a wife. I don't want kids. I don't want, you know, I don't think I could deal with that kind of responsibility, but a dog, you know. You want to die fucking alone. I'll bronce him. Yeah, just like that. Are you fucking crazy? The fuck is wrong with you?

I've never met a woman that could, I never met a woman. You don't meet a woman because you gotta get it together. You know, you gotta stop. You gotta watch movies at the house. You know, you pick up a movie that you, after 10 minutes, the chick thinks she's in a fucking movie. I know. I know. She's like, what the fucking movie? You got lucky. You made a great show.

No, I didn't. It wasn't a great woman. You just put commitment in and it becomes something. Oh, is that what it is? Sure, because I wasn't a great man. I was in the same position. Sometimes when you get with somebody, they make you better. See, I've always wondered about that. Yeah.

But look, it's two lost fucking souls. Yeah. It's two lost fucking souls. That's what it fucking is. You know, Lee told me a year ago, he was sick and tired. He never had a good time going on. And the fucking Jew God bless Lee. He connected him with his fucking soulmate. Some people got to kiss 50 fucking people.

Some people got to kiss three. You never know. But you can't just say you want to listen, man. Five years ago, I was saying, I didn't want a fucking kid. I was so angry from Jackie, from my first door. I never wanted a kid again. Look at the position on me. I got to go home at eight o'clock and sit there.

I'm like, uh... Team Moomizumi. Team Moomizumi. Fucking nine o'clock. With a girl that eats everything I want, you know. Why don't we school her out? Put on the wild bunch. Make her watch some shit, you know?

Put on some good fucking... She's just 14 months. Let me tell you something. She can't... You can't stand in her way when she's watching TV. Sometimes I hear her yelling. Terry's talking. I go, Terry, get out of the fucking way.

She's in her work. Get out of the way, dog. She don't like that shit. I know because I know how I am. When she's watching her... Gumi, whatever. Yeah. Nothing.

You can light your asshole on fire. She look and, hey, all right. Good. And she go right back to me. That's just the way life is. And sometimes you worry about, you know, oh, your kid watches too. My kid might go to watch his TV from eight to nine. And then she does other shit.

And then she watches TV. This is a TV. I was from five to six dirty before she goes down. She likes that team when we zoom in. But it's weird. Like at first I was like, she watches two hours of TV. I'm like, who the fuck am I kid? Now watch nine hours of TV.

Yeah, exactly. I'm a hustler. It's what you fucking put into the kid. Right now she's learning words. She's learning little things. That's what they do. It's colors. You know what I'm saying?

She'll come over and the thing will ask a question. And I'll answer for her. She'll look at me like, I'm a genius. Dad fucking knows. No. I know what's dirty and lives in a yard. You know what I'm saying? I fucking know this shit.

The other day, guys, I, you know, you watch your children grow. Your children not grow or whatever. And the other day we took her to a park. It was 90 degrees on Wednesday. Just another fucking day. Well, we got out there. I didn't have to bring water left in the cup. Not to about 15 minutes.

I'm looking at her playing the sand. She's got it all over. And I go over to the ice cream man. Some fucking Russian $4 for two fucking creamsicles. You know those orange vanilla? Yeah. So I get one. I open one up.

I get one to Terry. And I take the other one with the impression to go over and give a piece to Mercy. So she's not looking at me. She's playing with the sand. I walk over. I put the cone in front of her face. She's got sand on her hands. I put the cone in front of her face.

And she reluctantly licks it. And once she licked it, guys fucking her eyes blew up. She put the fucking thing down. And with her sandy hands, grab my fucking thing. Yanked it for me. And I'm like, Mercy, relax. Let me clean your hands. And she's over there going, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And I'm grabbing it. And finally I go, Terry, help me. And she comes over. I take the ice cream. I'm trying to brush the sand off the fucking ice cream. She's going nuts. Ah. Terry gives her her ice cream.

She takes it. Starts eating it. Put sand on that one. And then looks at us and takes off. Just starts fucking up. I'm like, no. You ain't taking this from me. We're chasing this.

She's running up the fucking thing. Her little legs are moving, Jack. It is classic. And then it's getting hot out. And the ice cream is melting. And it's falling. And she's going along. It's just melting.

And she's eating it. And finally the fucking thing was down to a stick. Guys, we couldn't take the stick from her till that night. She fell asleep at the fucking stick in her hand. It's amazing when you see a kid go crazy over a fucking ice cream cone. Because she's never tasted anything like that before in her life. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

I don't fucking know. You know what? An ice cream cone, like the orange, she just went nuts. She just went fucking bananas. And I went home thinking from that. It's amazing what you learn. Like what you forget from little things in life. The little things.

When my cousins came from Cuba and I met the Macanthas, they were singing, Stay With the Heaven. Like at the table. And it meant so much to them that they couldn't do this in Cuba. There's the freedom that we have. I could belt into a fucking song at a restaurant right now. We could be at Arnie Morton's also. I could get up and sing the National Anthem.

Don't go throw you in jail. In Cuba, she can't just sing, you know. And as you wind up down the road, they couldn't do it. They were harmonizing at the table. They couldn't fucking. And these are little things in life we overlook. So no, when you have everything and everything to you and you know, I mean, shit, it's like this is a name me another place in the world where you can get up at 2 30 in the morning

and go shopping for the entire week. You know what I mean? We have such privileges in this country and this opportunity and privileges in Mexico. You can shop. You could buy a tuba at fucking 4 in the morning in Mexico. You get up at 4 in the morning in Mexico. You know what? Today I feel like playing the tuba and go down to the corner.

You need a tuba. What do you get this shit from? It's the truth. Mexico, my friend's going down there to get a fucking liver. She's getting a liver next week. Oh my God. A month later, they give her a fucking liver. That means you could buy anything in Mexico.

When you have a liver on call. That's true. That's true. Yeah, Mexicans don't fuck around with me. I've never been there but Paula and her family won't go. Like her mom and her, they're like nope, we're not going back. Mexicans are afraid of it. It's a different world.

It's a different world. It's real. It's like Russia. It's real. See, white people love going to Mexico because it's an adventure and it's different. Yeah. White people. Until they get mugged.

Yeah. Until they get mugged or your dick is purple from getting that good blow job that that Mexican chick charged you three pesos for. You like went home. I got my dick sucked for three pesos. Wait until that motherfucker grows a third head and then get back to me. Do you see that baby in China or Mexico? It was a kid born with two heads.

Fucking scary shit. You go into that third world country shit. Imagine being that father. Those two heads come on. You're like I told you not to watch fucking walking dead and eat spare ribs. That's what happens when you watch walking dead eat spare ribs and smoke a cigarette. The kid comes out with two fucking heads. I gotta tell you, man, that was that was pretty much a rush.

What happened this morning? It was a 4.7. That was a 4.7. That's what they've been saying on Twitter. We were a little panicked there for a minute. I didn't think it was going to stop. I didn't think we could run out. I was looking at that.

That's the first thing I looked at what's overhead. Yeah. That's the first thing. It's the becomes a fucking Godzilla movie. There was an earthquake somewhere last week. Listen, we lived here a long time without a catastrophe. This is what I fear. This is what I fear for my family.

This is what I fear for, you know, that if you're throwing us big against the wall, something's going to happen. There hasn't been an earthquake in, I don't know, since 94. The big ones. So it's 20 fucking years, guys. Well, what I what I learned in school, I took a class in this and what it was that the longer you go without an earthquake. See these little earthquakes that we just had right now, these are good because it lessens

it up. You know, yeah, it's just boom, boom, boom. When it goes for a long time, it just builds. It's like that rubber band that pulls and pulls and pulls. So when that fucking snaps, bam, it's all over the place, you know. And that's what happened with what was it? The North, the Northridge earthquake back in, you know, about Japan a couple years ago, just the videos of like 30 seconds, two minutes and people running from the wall.

I think we're not really near water here. Yeah. Like when we were sitting here, right, that that couldn't have been more than about what, seven, eight seconds. Yeah. That felt like a lot longer than that because you're wondering, is this going to rise? Is this going to crescendo? Is this going to be a much worse thing for a second?

I thought, fuck, are we going to be able to get out of here? I don't know. Oh, shit. And where do we go? Instead, we still got a long fucking hallway to run down. I'll fucking tap you and we'll go right through that window. We'll land in fucking the black attorney's office and we'll run the fuck out of here. Well, it just be a silhouette of your body like in the cartoons.

Like no, like in Fista Fury. When Bruce Lee punches the guy through the wood and his arm goes right through the fucking wood like that. It really is amazing. You know what? I'm going to do it today. I laughed at my mom when I moved here because she gave me stuff for an earthquake kit. I just never did it.

I told you. I'm going to do it today. Two cases of water. Mm-hmm. You know, peanut butter, tuna, extra mayonnaise and the fucking refrigerator. Some money. Some money. You know, cash, you know, how much cash?

And batteries. You need batteries and a flashlight. And a flashlight. How much today at home? I'm going to fuck. I'm going back east. Fuck. There used to be a joke when I first moved here that if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't

come to work the next day. That ain't that bad. That shit happened. This was nothing. I was listening. You got to toughen this kid up. Tell them where I lived before this. The apartment with bricks.

He lived over at the spot on what was at Selma and you were with your brother by the Fag Museum or something, right? Tremendous. The building was 1900 and it was made of bricks. You can see that it had already gone through an earthquake. They put steel rods through a fucking building. Right. And next thing you know, fucking, I'm sitting in the office one day and this thing starts

trembling worse than this. And I saw the cats. The cats were drinking from the bowl and all of a sudden the building went this way. And I saw the cat on the floor and the bowl was in the air spinning. It was amazing. I saw the building tip and the bowl stay at that level. You understand me? No.

And then he ran away and when the bowl landed water went everywhere and I could hear the bricks going. You know how you hear bricks hitting together? They're like, why are we here? I'm out to play. They're hitting, hitting, hitting, hitting, hitting. And you can hear the scratching. I remember when it stopped, the phone rang.

It was Terry. She goes, get right home. I go, I'm already home. I'm right down there. I knew that the next level of this is just building collapse. Yeah. But there's nowhere in America you can live really without. So this thing in the middle of the country, there's hurricanes.

Tornadoes and whatever in the Midwest. Look at the floods in Jersey and New York. And there's no one on the East Coast. There's like no one really safe. No one really safe. And no matter how well you build it, there is nothing that man can build that nature can't destroy. They'll fuck it up, man.

You know, you could build a wall in front of the water. The water will come right over that fucking wall. It doesn't matter. It depends on what, it depends on the right conditions occurring. Boom. You're fucked. Nothing gonna happen. Those Japan videos of people running away from the water still freak me out.

Finally, don't you better come tomorrow. I'll fucking hunt you down. I'll hunt you down like midnight run. I swear to fucking God, I will come to Boston. I'll hit every synagogue till I find you. I will hang out at every fucking chase man. I'll find you. Oh my God.

No. Listen, Lee, this is. You know what I think about my uncle. My uncle's been here. How long? Did you say like 30 years? How long has it been? Even longer.

50 years. What do you say, Lee? I'm talking to you. How long was he? He got here. 60. 50? He's here.

He lives in Glendale and he lived downtown. It's what, you know, you have to have a belief, bro. And it's, it's. You gotta have a purpose and nothing else fucking matters, you know, because you're doing what you gotta do. You're doing what you were put here to do. You found your path. You're making it work.

You're doing whatever the hell it is that make. I mean, think about, think about the work that you guys put into putting together a podcast and creating this network that you have. The podcast that you got running. The future. I mean, because it doesn't end right there. Fuck about it. Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm just saying. Oh, we got a cock on me. Mr. Katz. Good morning, my friend. What's up, my friend? What's happening, buddy? On the line is Barry Katz, a badass motherfucking manager, producer and a friend, a comedy guru

and sorts. What's happened, Mr. Katz? All right. Church, what's happening? I have to tell you what's happening before we start. Let's do this. I made it a point because I have so much respect for you that I actually slept in my office last night on the couch so I could be here on a hard line early because there's no hard

lines anymore anywhere in the world, but then you're all for someone or anyone who has it in their house except for the church or what's happening, probably, but so I'm here and I have like, you know, you have your iPhone and you have these settings where you can set the alarm any time you want to get an alarm going off. It's like, you know, 6.15, 6.20, 6.30, everything, so I will not miss this particular event. And so I'm like half semi-conscious and the building starts shaking. Can you fucking believe that? Can you fucking believe this, Mr. Katz?

You know, it's like an earthquake happening, glass is shaking on the 24th floor of a 26th floor building. I'm thinking, okay, this is a great way to die on my way to the church is what's happening. Barry Katz, I'm going to tell you why you're on this podcast. You want me to tell you why? Because out of all the fucking jerk off people I know and all the stories I've heard the last two years about management and agencies, you're the only motherfucker that gets it. And I'm reaching out to you with much respect.

And now I know why you had the clients you had and you've had the success you had. Because nobody, you have a podcast called Industry Standard. And every time you get on that fucking microphone, I hear that industry people fucking run. That's the last thing they want to do. But you are out there living the future. There are so many stories out there of clients going to their managers and saying, talking about podcasts, one in particular, we all know, and the manager going, are you fucking retarded?

What is a podcast? And he fired them and now the guy is, so this is why you're on the podcast, brother, because you are a manager with growth and vision. And this is why I love this, I love the genre, you know, all for my entire life. I was always known as kind of like, I've always been a great listener, but I'm also a very long-winded storyteller and I always, like I always had these stories. I didn't know that I was a storyteller, I was just being me, and I loved engaging people in questions and conversations and I've always loved that.

And you know, it's just funny you said that because when Jay Moore, who I've represented for about 20, almost 25 years, God, I'm old, and he asked me to do his first podcast and I was like, Jay, I'm not the kind of person that you should have on your first podcast, you should have, you're going to have celebrities, anybody in the world is going to want to do your podcast except maybe, you know, people who have, you've gone off the deep end with it, there's anybody like that in the business, but everybody else will want to do it. I mean, there's like hundreds of people that I could think of and he said, no, I want you to do it.

And I got in like a little argument with him, I don't, you know, I'm not an arguer with him, but, and he said, Barry, be at my house at this day and I'm not going to talk about it anymore. And I'd never done anything like this before and so I do his first podcast and, you know, he's not the kind of guy that really has a sense of social networking and anything at the time. I mean, he doesn't even have a printer at his house to print up anything or a fax machine or anything remotely like that at the time he doesn't have, I don't even think he has

an iPhone, he just has like some kind of a flip phone or something probably. And he does the first podcast and I get a call from him, I think it was about a week later that his producer or somebody at the, where he was, I think he started with Kevin Smith Network had said that like over 300,000 people had listened to that podcast and it was the number one podcast, you know, in, in the world, not just in comedy in the world and, you know, he wasn't really promoting it, I was the recipient of that. And so then he called me up again, he said, I want you to do the third episode and then the 10th episode.

But before I knew it, there were like over a million people that had listened to us together and were kind of like a yin and the yang. And I would just go at him in terms of show business and how it was and he was accepting of it, of his faults and my faults. And then it was just a natural progression to try to do something on my own. And that's where industry standard came from. I'm going to ask you something point blank and I want to answer from you, Mr. Katz, because you were the best in your business.

There's my co-host today is the flying Jew. He's the producer, Lisa, he's also from Boston. Hey, Mr. Katz, and we just had an interesting question this morning. What is a fucking manager? What are the duties of a manager? Rick Ramos also, do you want to know what what a fucking manager is or what a manager? What was Barry Katz? Why did Barry Katz have Chappelle and Louis CK and all the others

and not to mention one of the greats and not only a great as a comic, but you put him into a different forefront with media. Dane Cook, what makes a good manager? Well, first of all, let's start off with what a manager is, in my opinion. And again, I hope you don't mind the rambling. Go, go, we're here to whatever. Go get coffee, do what you do. Because I have I have no time limit here.

So this is the thing. I I want to share this with you and your audience, because I think it's really fascinating and important. For all of you out there, there's no management college. There's no place in the country or the world where you can go. And there is a class that says management 101. This is how you do this is how you do that. So the profession is kind of in a way, it's like I like to call it

like almost like a bastard stepchild to professions all over the world, because you want to be a lawyer, you go to four years of school, three years of law school, you want to be a doctor, you know exactly what to do. There's courses, there's nothing on being a manager. So what I'm about to tell you about what a manager does, that's that's my opinion of what a manager does. And you know, a lot of people do that, but some don't.

So a manager is somebody traditionally in the entertainment business who you utilize as being almost like your cabinet. Like if you if Joey Diaz is the president of his career. So if he's Obama, then the cabinet that he assembles to help him make his decisions in his career normally comes down to the team around him and normally a manager is the point person of that cabin. If he's the guy who helps you make decisions that are going to help drive your career forward, whether you be an actor, a musician, a magician,

a variety performer or a group of performers, an improv troupe. He's the one who's there. So in other words, that's the first thing. If things come to you, you talk about them. He gives you the pros and cons of every decision and he helps guide you in the way you're supposed to go. He also is in a situation where he brings things to you that happen in his mind. He brings ideas to you, concepts, things that he thinks could work.

There might be other things that come to him throughout the universe in his profession that he might bring to you. Maybe it's an idea for a television show. Maybe there's a reality show that somebody pitched and it's ready for hosting. Maybe it's having a conversation with Lauren Michaels or Marcy Klein that's saturday night live and they just let you know, hey, we're doing these showcases again in the spring. Is there anybody you think might be right for it?

To give you an example of something, I think is probably the best example of what I feel of the strength that I have that maybe I don't know who has it and who doesn't because like great comedian headliners, they don't know each other. They don't know. They don't work with each other. So Joey Diaz is not working with Louis CK unless he stops by on a showcase club in Hollywood for 10 or 15 minutes and sees them is and he's not focusing in on them. So I don't know what the other managers do or they don't do.

But one of the things that has always happened with me, which is unquantifiable and I could never prove this in the court of law and it's almost going to seem ludicrous to you and your co-hosts and your audience. I've always had this like sixth sense, the psychic thing that lets me know an artist that's going to do extraordinary things in the film, television, you know, radio, multimedia things, acting, and we'll cross over to both situations. And I don't know what it is. And I'm not saying it happens with every single artist out there that can walk

up to everyone and say this or that, but just to give you an example of something that was crazy and I guess I'll tie it to the Jay Mor thing because of what I talked about earlier, I was at the Sundance Film Festival and Jay was hosting a thing called Festival Daily where you, you know, you host that area of things, you talk to people and he said, Barry, there's this girl that's, you know, been busting my balls here and she comes right at me all the time. You should meet her and you should take a serious look at her for representation. And, you know, I hadn't met her yet, but I did end up meeting her

and immediately my thought that came into my head was this person could be an amazing writer, an amazing actress, an amazing comedian, and an amazing creator. It's just like, it was like just snapped in my head. And this is a person that was just being a correspondent. This person had probably made like six dollars in a bucket of chicken in their career. They hadn't done anything. And I met with this person and I said, you know, I see you as all these things and I think that you could, you could do these things.

And she said, well, I just really am gearing towards hosting and corresponding. I said, there's much more to that. Well, to make a long story short, this person went on to be a very capable standup comedian who just filmed their second hour special. This person went on to act in several films and television shows. This person went on to create three television shows in one year, which was one on E, the Whitney Show, and Two Bro Girls, and that's Whitney Cummings. And so these things happen.

And just to tell you another story that will kind of freak you out, but solidify this kind of thing. Because I don't, again, I can't quantify this. This isn't something I went to school for. It just happened. I sat down with Chappelle about, I'd say, maybe less than a year ago at Real Food Daily in Santa Monica and he was with his wife and one of his children. And he, when I sat down and my ass hit the pillow of a chair, he said,

do you know what month it is? I said, yeah, I do. He said, and I told him the month and he said, no, no, Barry, it's 20 years ago today. I'm sorry, this month that we met, do you remember what you said to me and where it was in the circumstances? And I said, of course, we were at the Boston Comedy Club, which was a comedy club that I ran and I'm an incredible, I had a manager, Jason Steinberg, at the comedy club, a comedy club manager who saw you on open mic

and invited you down on Tuesday. And I met you in the middle of the comedy room before the show started. I shook your hand and I said, I want to represent you. I think you're going to be one of the biggest stars in film, television and comedy. And I think you're going to change the face of comedy. And at the table, it was the weirdest thing. Like he said, do you remember anything else? I said, all I remember was you saying to me, what are you talking about?

I mean, it's like you haven't seen me perform. You don't know me. You've never seen a video of me. How could you say that? How would you know that? And I said, because when I shake your hand, it's like that movie, The Dead Zone. I can see the future only. I don't see bad things.

I see good things. And when I said that, he slapped the table. You know what? Some of you are in a restaurant. Somebody slapped the table and the dishes and the plates and the silverware shake. And everybody looks around. He slapped the table so hard and he got into this mode, which I never seen. It was almost like an angry Dave Chappelle, but he wasn't really that angry.

But he was like, that's right, that's right. And it haunts me every single time I think about it. And I'm like, Dave, please. I just I just sat down. I mean, I'm just I'm just want to have a good time hanging out. And then he went into the sort of the solemn day. But he's like, I'm sorry, man. It's just every time I think about that moment, I just say to myself, how the fuck did he know?

How do you know? And even he said, how did you know? And I said exactly what I said to you. It's just that that that sixth sense. So so in an answer that that's that. And then when you get there and when you have the confidence of signing an artist and they decide that they want to work with you, then it's a question of moving the needle and exceeding all expectations.

It's no different than your podcast. When you start your podcast, pretend you are a manager and your podcast was the client. Think about the work you put into it. You're getting up at six o'clock five thirty in the morning to do this. But there's there's there's a reason why this podcast is always in the top 50 or whatever it is. Because you work hard and you try to bring something to the table that nobody else brings. And so the manager, I always try to bring something to the table that nobody else brought and think outside of the box.

And it's the same thing I talk about like with Jimmy Fallon. There's a, you know, Jimmy Fallon, he can't lose. He cannot fail. And the reason why he can't fail is he brings six things to the table that no one else brings in late night television. He sings, he dances, he plays a musical instrument, he does impressions. He has humility and he's 40 years old. And so when you go to late night television and you have choices of who you want to see,

if you're interested in monologues, then you're, you know, Jimmy's in trouble because there's a lot of people who, you know, I'm not saying you're in trouble, but there's a lot of competition there. If you want to go to late night to see those desk pieces, then he's got competition. If you want to go to late night to see somebody interviewing guests or guests, then he's got competition. But if you're going to late night to get a bunch of things that no one else can offer, you're going there. And so for me, you know, I don't represent Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler or, and I never,

I never have, you know, I've had some extraordinary situations that we might talk about later, but, but I look at it this way for some reason in comedy, I always felt like people talked about me in the same breath of anybody, because I think I'm a hard worker. They know the kind of people I've represented. And even though I don't represent all of them still, and I would have loved to, along the way, you, you learn and you take notes and then you move forward. And I hopefully, I think I have a friendly relationship of all the people I work with and and I just, I just want to do a great job.

I want to exceed all expectations and I want to pretend the people watching me have the highest fucking expectations, which clients do. And so that's, that's what a manager does. You know, it's very simple. The last thing I'll say, the simplest thing about being a manager is like, all it is, is if I were to represent Joey Diaz, he's going to come to me with his bucket list of the things that he wants to accomplish in his career. And, you know, who knows, maybe number one is I want to be the star of my own sitcom.

Maybe number two is I want to do three studio films. When I say studio, like big studios and not independent films a year. Maybe a number seven is I want to host my own radio show on a syndicated level. Maybe number nine is I want to headline the Abrams, the Improves, all 18 or 19 or whatever it is. And then it's up to me to go through that checklist and help him accomplish all of his goals one by one. And if if Joey Diaz is a great artist, that's not going to satisfy him. You know, I'll never forget when I work with Jim Gaffigan. I actually produced Jim Gaffigan's first television show with and David Letterman's first

television show with him called Welcome to New York. And when I sat down with Jim, it was fascinating. I had the small office in New York. It was a corner office, but it was like six feet by six feet. It was like literally like Kenny Youngman says, you put the key in the door and you break the window. That's how small it was. And when Jim sat down across from me, he only had one thing on his mind. If I sign with you, will you get me on the Letterman show?

And I said, yes, I will. I said, there's no way I will fail to get you on the Letterman show. He's like, how can you guarantee that? I said, Jim, I know this sounds weird, but I just know. And I put people on the show before and I know the kind of artist that I can get on the show and knows I can. And I will get you on that show. And I'll never forget the first time he did the show. And it was one of the greatest moments in his life.

And he will always remember that moment. And I'm proud that I was there when it happened. He got off stage and I got out of the dressing room. I want to hug him and say that, Jim, congratulations, you did it. And you want to know what the first thing he said to me was, he said, Barry, when are we doing this again? And that's that's the nature of an artist. It doesn't matter if you're Dane Coke and you do a 30 city tour where you sell out, you know, arenas for the first time of anybody.

I mean, it doesn't matter. Like I remember when I was in Toronto with Dane Coke, the first date of the first tour. 21,000, the 500 seats sold out in Toronto at the Air Canada Arena, the place where the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs play. OK, sold out, get to be arena early. And he's got his head in his hands. He's like down in the dumps. And, you know, there might be reasons for that other than being a driven artist. And there might have been things that he was going through that might have been bringing him down.

But the point being is that if you pick off something on your list that big, that you're you're selling out an arena for the first. There's only been Andrew Dice Clay and, you know, God knows who else at that point that's done it as a comedian and you're doing it and you you're down. I don't care what happened in your life that day or that week. That lets you know that as an artist, you're driven and you're not going to stop until you get to where you're going to go. And that's an example of this podcast of yours. The great part about your podcast, looking at it from a managerial point of view, no manager did anything for you. You were your own manager. You decided that this is I don't know how much you talk about it, but this is I'm blown away and have so much respect for you and this podcast because just to let your audience know maybe he hasn't shared this with you.

But I'm going to I'm going to follow up with you straight. You know, Joey Diaz is probably closer to 60 than he is 40. Okay. I don't know how old he is, but you know, if you look at the trajectory of stand up comedians in the world who are of a certain age, every age you are in show business, unless you're Betty, wife, or, you know, or Gary Marshall or something like that. There's this thing that just happens and you're you wonder if your time is up, you wonder what's happening, how is it going to be? It's like it's almost like how I don't mean to be a disingenuous thing, but it's like sort of that pressure that I feel that women society have as as the age picks up where men don't feel that. So almost like comedians are like are like what society, the pressure puts on women. And so he's going forward.

And here's a guy who's never really headlined the kind of room is that other peers headline that he looked at and he said, well, why the fuck aren't I headlining those from time to time? I'm just this funny. And the reason being is those guys have been on sitcoms or they've been on, they've had their hour specials or they, you know, they've done a lot of prominent role. And the films as opposed to maybe ones that weren't as prominent. And, and maybe they were more useful. Who the hell knows? But the fact is, is that this guy was doing his thing. He was always funny.

There was never a show where you would go to in Hollywood with Joey Diaz on the lineup and not leave the club and be on your ride home and say, God, that fucking guy stole the show. Who is that guy? Who is that guy in the sweatshirt and the quasi pants, sweat pants look and the tennis shoes who's limping around on the way out? And man, is he limping? Is that the walk of a, of an elder statesman, Italian comic? Who the fucking knows? Or Mexican calendar? Well, who knows what it is?

You don't know what it is, but you had this persona about you, but you always stole the show. And I always say to any comedian who wants to make it. Go to your home club and do 10 sets. And if the audience members, the bar back, the, the, the waitresses, the, the manager, the, the comedians that hate you. If they all say that guy, I have to hand it to him. He was the best of the night. You do that 10 times in a row. Get a helmet.

But this is where I'm wrong. Joey Diaz did that. Every time, yet the needle wasn't moving. Now the audience thinks it's moving because they see him in a movie here, a movie there, a guest spot there. And they think, Hey, this guy's doing it. But in the real world, perception is a reality for a comic. There's very few people that are really making it. Give you an example.

Chris Rock said to me one time, Barry, I don't really understand. Uh, women in comedy, I said, what don't you understand? He said, there's only about seven millionaires. How is that possible? I mean, if, if, if women would just figure out the formula of how to, to succeed in terms of the stand up area and get that hour together in a way with a material content is right. There'd be so many more, uh, women who were million, but there's only seven or so. That's how tough it is, but you perceive that people are doing it. Like you see a comic, let's say on, uh, you see a comic, do an hour special on comedy central.

And then you, as an audience, you think, Hey, that guy's doing it. He's making a shitload of money. Well, he's not. There's a lot of guys who aren't. And that's the thing. And so Joey was one of those guys who wasn't making it happen. And he wasn't moving the needle yet. He was doing everything that moved the needle.

Every set, there wasn't a set the guy ever did. I never saw the guy bomb in my life. I never saw the guy even have a set that, that was remotely average, always killed. And so, but it would, the need, something wasn't happening. So he said, you know what, I'm going to go and do this because, you know, I'm going to try this out or else probably he probably said, I'm going to pack it up and go home and he's not a quitter, but this business will squash you like a fucking bug, it will demoralize you will systematically just take away every

level of enjoyment that you have, no matter what it is. It's designed that way. And so he says, you know what, I'm going to take control of another area. Like I'm good storyteller. I'm good at, you know, let me try this form and go into podcasting and work just as hard as I have to stand up and is acting and in all areas of my career. Let me go for it. And wouldn't you know what America spoke and he wasn't beholden to comedy

club bookers who had their fucking nose up because he wasn't the kind of guy that normally they put in their club or the sitcom television executive is like, Hey, you know, I can't really build a lead around this guy because, you know, he's not necessarily that appealing. I mean, I need somebody's appealing. But Joey Diaz said, you know what, I'm going to let America talk. I'm going to let America be the decision maker. I'm going to let the world be the decision maker.

They're in control. They're my cabinet. They're my manager. I'm still the president of my career, but I'm going for it. I'm going to take control over my career and do it my way. And hey, if they speak and say you suck, go for it. And I'm getting another job and I'm getting out of this fucking business. But I think they're going to like me.

They're really, really going to like me and true to form. You were your own manager and you made it happen. And you should be very, very proud. Thank you, brother. No, no, that's, uh, listen, I really had no help. So I, a couple of years ago, I made a decision that everything I was going to do, I was going to start and finish on my own, or I wasn't going to do it. I, it was just too much.

Everybody reached out or TV show this and then it would go away. And I have a partner, Lisa Yat, the flying Jew, who we were discussing him going into management. This is, uh, we have been discussing this for a while because he's been here with me since day one, since the video we, uh, I did Gabriel Lacey's show on Comedy Central and he gave me a little bloggy and I didn't know how to download. It was like the 10th camera somebody had given me and I started following myself with the camera and I gave Lee a hundred dollars a week to edit it.

And we put eight videos up and that's how we started. And then we did a documentary. We got the money from, uh, Twitter, $3,000 and we shot a documentary and I was still doing a podcast with Felicia and he kept saying, listen, you have this audience in the morning. Let's do this podcast in the morning. And then this is why I do this. And, uh, no, Barry, you hit it on the head and this is why you're a tremendous

fucking manager. I'm, I'm really happy you came on today because you enlightened me on a couple of things, but Lee, do you have a question for back? I have about 8,000 questions hit it. So let me try to condense it. Yeah. We, it's, it's, it sounds great to like, say you're going to work this and do this for so much first people, but in reality, you have to be successful.

You, you probably have to have at least have like eight or 10 people who you're managing. How do you like, how do you manage your time? Because like I've worked for, I've worked with Joey for three years and up until two, three months ago, he was the only one I worked with, but now I've added people. And every comic, oh, every, every person, it's not even a comic. Every person thinks they're the most important and to them, they are the most important.

So how, how are you in Toronto with Dane Cook and then the other people, like how do you manage your time and like make it seem like everyone is the most important person and, and, and like it seems like you must not have slept for 20 years. I don't, I don't understand. I don't know how that works. Well, I'll tell you how it works. And I'll tell your audience how it works. It's a flawed system.

It's a cracked foundation. You know, every person that wants to be represented, whether they buy a manager or an agent or agency or a lawyer, it's like you're in a situation where you, it's designed to be very frustrating. The days of Colonel Parker and Elvis, you know, are long gone. You know, he had one client and that was Elvis Presley and he took all his time and energy and focus in that. And the reason why, um, you know, Joey and you are probably as successful as you

are is because, like I said, you know, you're, you're giving your attention a hundred percent of what he does. Now that doesn't mean that, you know, 40 hours a week, you're dedicating to Joey. Maybe you are, who knows. But for me, it's always been a situation where you have to be a great multi-tasker because when you look at it, you have to always be working and thankfully in the day and age of this new technology age where you have, you know, laptops and cell phones that are the smarter than the average bear and you can be anywhere in

the world and do your work. I'm embarrassed to say this, but sometimes like I'll be on my way to work and I get up really, really early and sometimes, and I love my office, but sometimes I'll stop at a Starbucks and I'll get, you know, a tea or some breakfast or something like that, pop out my laptop. And before I know it, I'm there like two or three hours and I don't even know what happened and I'm not in an office, but I'm doing my work and electronically and you can get things done.

But the, but the answer to your question is it's very, very difficult because every artist wants a hundred percent of your time. Every artist wants to know they're the number one priority and every artist is disappointed. They're number one. They're disappointed. This is a little, this will make you laugh. An artist is disappointed when he's the number one guy on your list because he's

thinking to himself, because he's thinking to himself, well, how come I'm number one on the list? Cause there are other people that are like, you know, up there with me or they're disappointed that they're not one of number one lists and like giving all your attention to that guy. Yeah. Who, who said that quote? Like I don't want to be a part of a club that would have me as a member.

It was that. And then yeah, like, yeah, that was a groucho mark. Cause he said, but one of the things I'll share with you that I think is a great metaphor for the business is that when I was running my comedy club in Greenwich Village, I remember the manager hired this new manager and they were so excited because they put this availability line in and they got everything organized and people were calling in and they put the lineup together for the first weekend of, but you know, when, when they started and they came in, they

were so excited and I said to them, listen, I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't want you to, you know, they were, they were looking for my approval of this lineup before they called them and, and booked them. I should suppress that. And it was a great lineup. And I looked at her and I said, listen, um, uh, I don't want any of those people on the show and she said, what are you talking about? Like, so we got a system in place.

Everything's going well. It's like she, she's like, like a management company. I have a system and I worked that put in the place. And I actualized and it's going well. And I said, I want those people. She said, why not? I said, look, I want the people to work at my club that don't want to work at the club. Those are the people I want.

I said, get me all those people. I want Bill Hicks in here. I want Romano in here. You know, I want those people. I want, uh, I want to tell, I want Chris Rock, get them in here. And we did, it was hard, but that's, that's the thing you want. So when you're putting your list together of things, you know, and you have your clients or whatever, it's the same thing.

You want people who you don't, you want people you don't want as a manager. You know, when somebody comes to you and says, will you manage me? It's almost like a guy going to a girl saying, well, you fuck me. Well, no, I've got like a hundred motherfuckers who want to fuck me. I don't want you. You got to dance and sing and dance or do something or take me out before I'm going to touch you. But, you know, it's the same as a manager.

People will come to you and they'll say, well, you represent me. I'm great. I'm doing this, this and that. And normally the people who come to you are, are people they're, they're coming to you for a reason. They're sitting on the couch for a reason. It's because something's broken, something's not working and they want you to try to fix it or else they're new in the business.

You know, occasionally somebody comes up to you and says, will you manage me? Who, who really is somebody who you want to manage and, and you'd be honored to manage and just in full disclosure, this is something that's a fascinating thing. Cause I think I should, I should shine the spotlight on this if you don't mind. And this will probably call me out as well. You know, Joey, um, is the kind of guy who I believe at times has made it known that he would entertain the opportunity for me to represent him as a manager. But I never did.

I never went for it. I never pulled the trigger. I never fought hard to be in his life as a manager. And to the form, like what I'm saying about that psychic thing that I have or whatever, it doesn't always work. It's not always that way or else, or else it gives me the, the sixth sense of what it puts me at a place where I think I can win. So I'd have to ask myself if I was on a therapy college, why I haven't fought

to represent Joey Diaz. And the only thing I could probably come up with is the fact that probably in my mind, I say to myself that I want to win and I want to be great for somebody. And maybe in my mind, I think to myself, maybe I'm not the guy that there is a guy or a woman out there like yourself that has proven to be that person. Like there's an, I put, I started to represent somebody about two years ago that similar to, I'll just say similar to Joey's vibe and the business and where he's at similar and people knowing that person.

And I just, there was somebody in their life that was there in their life every day like you. And, but they wanted to bring me in. And for some reason, I just felt throughout that year or year and a half, this person called them five times a day, spoke to them all the time, did all the little things that the artists love, like travel and details and things like that. And their relationship was a bond that was like unbelievable. And before it started, I said, like, why are you having me?

Why do you want me to represent you? Cause we need this, this and this, but I never felt like I was deserving. I never felt right. I never felt like I was doing any kind of semblance of a, of a good job. And I always felt that that person was the person that should be the true manager of that artist. And so there's times when things don't work out and those things are similar on an artist's brain as they are on a manager's brain.

And it's, it's, it's great. I mean, I got in with Joey at probably the exact right time. Cause if it had happened to two months later, he would have been too big and he wouldn't have responded. I got to him on Facebook that I mean, I had no business meeting with him. And, uh, but I got into the exact right time and it's, I'm by no means his manager at all people, like some people think I am, but it's just, I do video and audio stuff and maybe managing is in my future.

I'm not sure yet, but it's, uh, it's crazy. And it's, it's, it's hard to have that much, uh, belief in somebody because it hasn't always, I worked for Joey for three years before I could, I still had a full-time job on TV shows. And I like literally just stopped doing that and it's, uh, it's been tough, but it's, it's, it's hard because anyone I want to manage is probably too big right now and anyone I could manage might take six or seven years before they start making any money.

So it's a weird point. And it's like, how do you, how do you get through that beginning stages? Like, how, like, how would I tell you, I'll tell you how I got through it. And I just, this is just me. Um, I, the first rule for me as crazy as it sounds, and I know this is ludicrous. And to this day, it's the same way. It's like, I never think about the money. I never think about, you know, I used to be, I never forget when I was in

New York, I shared office space with this manager and who represented Dennis Leary at the time and the guy like had, he was like type triple A and he always had this calculator on his desk and he was always calculating the amount of money he was making from each artist. He would actually charge a commission on a $50 spot in town, in New York city. And he would have any charge 15% of the time. Most managers charge 10. And so, you know, you'd have these lists of things and you'd see a spot in

New York city and it'd be $7 and 50 cents or whatever it was. It would be, you know, you'd have all these, and you'd add them all up. And, and I never, I never did that. No, don't tell me you're wrong. You know, I still would like to have the rent paid and I'd love to have my mortgage paid and then I, you know, you have to think about those things. And there's times when, you know, I've experienced some, you know, many, many difficult problems with money and cash flow.

And, but for me, it was the first thing was, it's just, just to worry about doing a great job and everything will follow. It's so, it's so funny, it's really funny that you say that because Joey actually, he yells at me about every other day because he'll have his wife pay me her hand me a check. And it was like, did he deposit that yet? Or did he look to see if it was there? It was just a deposit online.

And I'm so busy. Like I'm working now with Joey and then like four or five other comics that I'm making no money from, like that I just, when someone says they pay me, like I just, I believe him and he'll call me and be like, have you checked your bank account today? It's, it's a, it's crazy. Like I just did my taxes and I'm probably making like a quarter of what I made last year now.

And it's, it's scary, but it's, I don't know. I don't know what you did before. It is, it is scary, but you're taking the risk. I will tell you this, that that's something that probably Joey won't tell you and any artist won't tell you. Um, if, if you think that Joey Diaz wants any of those five people that you're working with to win, you're sadly mistaken. He might want to support you.

He might be in a situation where he believes in you and he wants to see you do well and wants to see you make money. But, and he might be supportive of all those five people, but I tell you right now, no one wants to see anyone pass them. I don't care if you're in, uh, the, um, at Comedy Central as an assistant. I don't care if you're in a law firm. I don't care who you are. They might be happy for you.

They might be excited, but no one wants to see anyone win more than they do. And, and so when you're doing this thing, one of the most difficult things you're going to run into is that there's a possibility, there is a possibility that somebody you'll find will catch lightning in a bottle and will do the kinds of things that say, let's, let's say like a Gabriel and Glacius did, because again, you know, when Gabe was starting, well, who was out there in his genre, there was Paul Rodriguez, George Lopez, you Carlos Mencius, you know, maybe three people, right?

So he came when he was coming up. So were there other Latino comics? So what were the chances that he was going to come up and get more of an audience than those people? Very slim, but it happened. And so it can happen with one of your guys too. And that's the worst thing in the world for a relationship because the artist sees how much work that you guys did together, he sees the

relationship, but then he sees attention starting to slip away. He sees the person that's starting to become a star and get, get hot. He sees that thing going, you know, and, and, and it can happen to anybody. There's some of the people I respect the most in my life in comedy, like Chris Rock, when I represent Chappelle, you know, who's 18, when he came to town, you know, Chris, Chris is one of them. I mean, for those of you who don't know him or whatever, this is a guy who's just, he's just an amazing, I mean, the guy is like, the guy's on Facebook.

The guy answers things on faith. He just, he's like, as Dean Del Ray told me this comic, a musical comic or whatever, even from the music business told me in the improv. He said, look, you know, comedy is the only place in the world where like a huge headline there will be in a comedy club with an open miker and an open miker could just come up to Chris Rock and say, Hey, man, you know that, you know, that bit you do, I got a tag for you. I think it'd be better if you did this.

You know, it's like, but the point I'm trying to make is when Chappelle came into New York City, Chris Rock, for the first time, I'd never seen this in him. He was not warm. He wasn't overtly mean. He wasn't overtly like a, you know, being a dick. But to Chappelle, and he was not like all, in other words, just an all embracing, all encompassing love fest of, you know, he'll help you with anything you want is number a hundred and zero is go fuck yourself, kid.

I'm never talking to you. He wasn't zero. It wasn't a hundred, but he certainly wasn't 50. He just kind of, he saw this kid and he knew, he knew right away. I have a formidable opponent here who is going to do unbelievable things. And I've got to stay on top and I got to stay on my game because in a couple of years, this guy is going to make some serious noise. And I really believe that's what he felt.

Now he might disagree with me if I talk to him and he might say, I don't know what you're talking about, but that's my perception. And that will be your perception when you start managing your people. Because if you think that one of the guys you managed to be starts doing what Gabe does, if you think that your relationship with Joey Diaz is going to stay the same, you're sadly mistaken because it's not. And that's the difficult thing about management. Barry Katz, you're a bad motherfucker.

I always respected and loved you, but today I got even more respect than love for you because you hit it out of the park here, man. Now, how many podcasts do you do a week with industry standard? Well, I have one that goes out every Monday. This week is Neil Brennan. Next week I have Dr. Phil. And the way the podcast normally works is, again, I wanted to do something that wasn't being out there.

And one of the things I, again, I don't want to take up too much of your time because I think this is important because all the artists out there listening, like, I did something that I told artists not to do when I wanted to do this podcast. I said, I can't do this. What will other people think in the business? What will they think about me if I do a podcast that I don't want to have people think negative things about me doing this?

And then I said to myself, what is wrong with you? Like, you're like, this is what you tell every artist not to worry about. Because the thing about management that you talked about with your partner here is that I love management. I love sitting on a couch across from somebody or strategizing or planning things. I love when an artist accomplishes their goals and I facilitate them with my talent in theirs. It's wonderful.

I love when I make a difference. The negative thing I found about management was I only made the difference to one person. And yes, the audience, you know, if I got Daryl Hammond with his talent in mine, I'm saturday night live and he's the longest running cast member in history. Yes, millions of people were inspired by him and, you know, it's a great thing. But as far as artists go, he was only one guy that I got to do that with. And I looked through the landscape of all the podcasting and noticed

that no one was interviewing the people that I perceived to be the stars, which are the guys behind the scenes, the network presidents, the studio executives, the showrunners, the people that are the real trailblazers, the people like that. People don't realize this. Dr. Phil runs stage 29. He has three different shows. He has Dr. Phil. He has the doctors with his son.

He has the test with his son. And this is a guy who started off his life homeless, living in a car with his dad when he was a teenager. Chris Albrecht, who I interviewed, who is the president of HBO, responsible for every extraordinary show you can ever imagine on HBO. And now the president of the stars, he was homeless. He was living in a 99 seat theater in New York that he was helping renovate for cash. And he was doing a comedy act with a guy named Bob Zamuda,

who he later created Comic Relief with, and they were doing an act with a banana and a glass, I'm sorry, and a jar of Vaseline. And every night they'd have to go to a different store to get it. So people wouldn't think they were some alternatively gay couple. But the point I'm trying to make is that I saw an opening in a place in an area where I could make a difference for people, not just in this business, but in any business who were trying to move the needle and move their career to the next level. And what better way to do it through the people who started life in an area that wasn't in show

business or doing things that necessarily wasn't in show business, but figure out a way to get to where they were going and the steps that they took to get where they are. Because everybody listened to your podcast is in a certain place in their life and their career. There's people in cubicles, there's people in offices, there's people working in McDonald's, there's people everywhere. And every single person like you is wondering, what do I have to do to take things to the next level? Because everybody, I'm staring at in the place where I'm working, all is nice to me and they've done, you know, they shake my hand and they say good job.

But I know every single person in this company wants to get to that next level before me. So what do I have to do to be the last man standing? And I think that's part of the inspirational nature of the podcast is the trajectory of what needs to happen in life and your journey to get there. And the things I always preach and I don't need to be long-winded again, but I think it's really important. And it's something that you can live your life by, Joey, is that you have to be undeniable. You have to be in a situation where what that means and what it resonates when you say undeniable. When you go into a comedy club, being undeniable is blowing everyone off the stage. Now again, your friends with these people,

you're shaking their hands, you're hugging them, they're making chit chat with you. But in your mind, when you get off stage, the first thing you need to say to yourself is, take that motherfucker, follow that. You're not verbalizing it, but you're saying it in your mind because you know to get to the next level and to take those guys out of their game, you got to do that. You have to create a problem. When I say create a problem, Gabriel and Glacius created a problem. There were a lot of young Latino comics trying to get to where they were going to go. None of them were creating a problem. So the same tier of Carlos Menci at Paul Rodriguez, George Lopez,

the same tier year after year after year because no one created a problem. But Gabe figured out a way to do something that nobody else was doing and part of it was physicality. You know, America loves the lovable fat guy. Just ask Louis Anderson from the early days and that's a big thing, which is my third thing. Don't be an asshole, be huggable and lovable. Your persona, if you are a comic, could be that of a dark soul and that could be what helps you win. It works for Marilyn. It works for Louis Black. It works for a number of people, Dennis Leary. But it's like 1% of 1% it works for. So if you want to be getting somewhere in the business, it doesn't mean that those people are assholes. It just means that the persona they

have. But in life, in your business, wherever you are, if you're an asshole, you could win. Look, Roseanne, when she did her sitcom, after the pilot was shot, she sat down and she made a list and put names on a long list. Now, what that list was, when I get to number one, these are the motherfuckers I'm going to fire. Now, Roseanne Barr fired probably more people than you know in your life. And yes, she did it her way and she made it work and she's one of the biggest stars in television and comedy and all around. But she's not really working right now and she's fucking talented. And I think the reason why she's not working is because people want to work around people that they want to be around. You want to be around people.

And that's the thing, when you're working with Joey, the thing is know this. And this is what it is about a business or anything or any business that anybody's in. Believe it or not, I know this is the hardest thing to believe. Nobody cares. Nobody needs you. Nobody needs you. I can guarantee you if any of the three of us kick the bucket tomorrow, the world would go on. So you have to figure out a way to be a necessary component in people's lives to where they're fearful of even stepping away from you. They're fearful of being or they just know that it's better to be with you than not be with you. They love that feeling. And that's the feeling you have to give them. And the last thing I'll tell you guys, I'm sorry. Hold on. I gotta pee, brother. Hold on,

Barry. I gotta pee because we're way over the time limit by now. So hold on one second. Talk to the flying Joe. I'm not trying to be rude. I just gotta fucking pee. So, Rick, another comment in here is Rick Ramos. What are your comments, Rick? Because for someone who's still trying to make it, what do you have to say about it? Well, the business is scary, man. You come out here. This is not a regular nine to five job. This is not a job that you can go into and say, Hey, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. You know, I'm not working the line like my old man did at the post office for 40 years. I mean, I got to wake up. I got to set my schedule. I got to make my calls. I got to talk to these people.

I got to make sure that I write that I get up in that night. And it's like, unless you're disciplined and focused and know what it's got to be. See, I skated with I skated for a long time on just going up and being, you know, funny, but not putting enough work into it. So that's why my career is where it's at. Because I don't know if you, I don't, you know, Mr. Katz. It's like, I came out here with that idea that you find in the movies where you kind of bust your ass doing, doing the stage time, getting people to see you. And somebody says, Hey, that kid's got talent, I can do something with that. That doesn't seem to be the case. Now it's like, you got to be on social network, you got to be, I mean, do you find that you ever,

you ever find somebody out there like you're in the club and you say, that kid's got some talent, I think I can do something with him. Or is it so much more with the with the managers now that I've seen at least? Oh, this kid's got a groundswell. He's got so many Twitter followers. He's got so many Facebook friends. Now we can do something with it because I mean, that just seems to be what I, what I see. Well, I think the biggest thing is that you should see more than anything else is that if any of you listening or anybody you guys in your studio where you're recording, if you just look at the people that are moving the needle, and let's say stand up comedy, it all comes down to the content of the person's act.

There you'll find very few examples where you'll see somebody who's moving the needle where the content of their act is pedestrian, is mediocre, is ordinary. It's very rare. And if you do see that person, genuinely, genuinely what you'll find is that person has booked a significant acting job. And that's the other side that drives it. I'll give you an example like Aziz Ansari was like a, he was like an open miker at the comedy cellar. I mean, he was doing like 130 spots. And as an actor, I can assure you that the roles for people who look like Aziz Ansari in half hour sitcoms are probably as prevalent as roles for little people. But there was a role that came around. He went in, auditioned, and he created a fucking problem.

And the problem he created was in the room, he was better than every other actor that went in that had a hundred times more experience than him and had tons of film and television experience under their belt. But he was the choice similar to how best bears and two broke girls, the blonde girl, create a fucking problem. Best bears booked one guest job in three years. Okay, that was what was on our resume. He had nothing. And this is the Tiffany network. This is less moonbeds, making decisions on who gets past, but she went in and she created a fucking problem. She was better than everybody else by 10 times. And one of the things for you, if you don't mind me saying it's great, please, is that you haven't created a problem. You go in and you work just

enough to get you where you're going to go. And your content is has material in it that is not like a bit like let's say Chris Rocks, where he's talking about black supermarkets or white supermarkets, or Chappelle with the crack baby that's selling drugs in the corner in Compton, or Ellen DeGeneres' Conversations with God, or Bob Newhart's The Driving Instructor, or Mel Brooks, 2000 year old man, or Cat Williams' Routines about a dysfunctional family, or Jim Gaffigan's Midwestern kind of comedy, or the stories of let's say that Gabriel and Glacius tells that tie together in these unique, interesting ways. Now it's become more of a parody of itself, but when you become more successful, you have more leeway, and you have like to get out of

jail free cards, like when you see Chris Rock doing a special and he opens up with let's say 10 minutes of Michael Jackson material. Yeah, every comic watching says, are you fucking kidding me? Chris is supposed to be the best guy in the fucking comic, he's doing 10 minutes of Michael Jackson? Well, he's got to get out of jail free cards. He's done like three specials before that, and what are you written today? And so yeah, the Michael Jackson shit is the funniest Michael Jackson shit you've ever seen in your life, but it's Michael Jackson stuff. It's like you can do that. You know, Chappelle can go on stage and do a bit, you know, he could probably go on stage and do a bit on, you know, what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from? And people would be

like, I'll give my pass on that one. And so but for you, you haven't created the content that's blown people the fuck away. And so if you have that content, it doesn't matter. Honestly, I know this is a form. It doesn't even matter if you're as hard a worker as everybody else. If you have material like the guys I mentioned, or like, you know, Louis CK put together in certain chunks, you're, you know, get a fucking helmet. It's over. The social network and they always laugh about that. You know, it's like, Dave Chappelle, even the fucking website, you know, you didn't have anything, you didn't care. But Dave Chappelle calls a Houston radio station this morning and says I'm performing at the five to thousand feet of remit and tamp tonight. And that's the first

time anybody hears it's sold out in like five minutes because of the content. And that's that's the thing that you have to look at. And everybody has to look at. And for you, and Joey, and any comic listening, do an exercise. It's a great exercise. Find pick who your Mount Rushmore of comedy is. Who are the four that are on the mountain for you? Maybe it's Pryor, Cosby, who knows, Carlin. And pretend that you're in a room with them and pretend with no interruptions that you are playing every one of your routines. The best it's ever done, like you have a videotape, or the best each bit has done, even though you don't. And you can write on an index card what that bid is. Okay, dogs and cats three minutes and 43 seconds. And start visualizing what all of them

would say about your bits. Would they be routines that they would do? And look at the routines that are the ones on one side of your wall, you can put sticky tape on the back of these index cards and put them up on the wall. So you got your ones that are the best bits ever that you know that these guys would look at and say, wow, that's a great bit, man. That's a great bit. And then there's the bit that you do that, let's say, involves, you know, having sex with a girl and whatever something crazy happened. And then you look at them and they look at you prior Cosby, Carlin, they say, look, man, you can't, you can't, you're not going to get anywhere with that bit. Everybody doesn't bid about a guy and a girl having sex and what happened. And you're like, what are you talking

about? This gets a standing ovation. This is my closure. But you can visualize them saying, look, I don't care if it gets a standing ovation, that bit is not going to get you where you're going to go or you want to go get rid of it. And you know the routines that you have that are your smartest, best routines that any comic looks at and says, that's incredible. And you know the routines that aren't. You know, there's a guy who hosted the First Amendment, Doug Williams. And Doug Williams is a guy who's booked acting jobs, he's booked hosting games, he's created things, but he's never really moved a needle as a stand-up comic. And he has certain routines that are like incredible. I mean, like I've never seen anything to do with little spurts, like a two-minute bit

here or a four-minute bit there. But the majority of the material is probably material that kills, but it's not moving the needle. It's not content that you're rallying around. But when he does attend in a routine of how relationships are like sports and how he ties everything in the girl and the ring and everything else, and it's this long drawn out thing with the coach and another player going in, then it's pretty impressive. Or when he does a routine on domestic violence and how he's, you know, how he's outside with the police office trying to explain his story and every time he explains it, the police officer does a different thing like a handcuff or something. But it's not enough to have moved the needle for him to where he really wants to go. And I think

you have to look at that as well. And every comic has to look at that and see what it is, because they're, I'm telling you, content, you know, speed jobs or content is king. If you have undeniable content, you cannot lose. And you just can't lose. Barry Katz, it's been a fucking education. I want people to tune in to your podcast. And I want to get you on one of the live podcasts because you're going to do fucking great. Thank you. Oh, I appreciate it, man. Thank you so much for talking to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I took so long. No, broke it down. No, no, no, you broke it down in a way that I think everybody's only got an education from the open mic into the fucking top notch comic. I know I'm sitting here.

I even made a few notes. So I love you, Barry Katz. I'll give you a call during a week or something. We'll do lunch in a week or so. I mean, I'm home for the next 10 days. So I love to see it. You bet. Oh, I truly love you too. And I truly have so much respect for you. And I hope that you know how sincere I am. No, I know you are. I respect you guys. Unbelievable. You're doing it. Then I'm so honored that you have me on. Thank you guys. I love you, Barry. Have a great week, buddy. I'll be here. Bye. Wow. It's interesting because when I came in, we were talking about a different podcast. He said, you don't have a professor that really touched you or anything like that. And I was thinking

because I said no. And I think I had one guy when I was working in TV that did and I do this podcast because I love I love talking with you and it's fun and it's nice meeting all the people. That and Rocco or BC are two that are like if everyone else hates it, those two conversations are just for me. Like I just I can't I almost I almost want to end the podcast because I have stuff I want to do now. No, it's a couple months ago. You asked me what I did with my day. It was a very interesting question. You know, I can't take this award. You could be as busy as you want to be. It's up to you. This is bullshit. The way people live is bullshit. You know, everybody's complaining about unemployment and this and this and this. The way you want to live

is how you want to live. You know, when I got up at 445 this morning, I got up at three, got up at three, 10 to four on my own. I went to bed at nine. I got up and I could have done a lot of things. I could have gone and sat in front of TV and put the TV on. No, I made a few notes in the fucking book. I came up with something to write on Facebook. I came up with three fucking songs, you know, and this is work. This is you're putting something out into the universe. Anything is better than not putting something out into the universe. When I leave here, I go home, I play with the baby at nine. I go to a kettlebell class. I'm taking care of my health, but I'm putting something out of the universe. I might think of a fucking joke. Everything goes, leads to one thing, man. And

you're always busy. There's nothing I can't. I got to come back here later and hang that post. There's always a thousand things to do. People who say to me, I don't know what the fuck to do. You want to sponsor? Get the fucking yellow pages. Get to be yellow pages and start from A. Hey, how you doing? Click. Click. And you'll learn. But that effort, that hundred phone call, they're going to go, how much and how many people do you, you know, that's what this is, guys. So it's like I was telling Rick couple of weeks ago, I called him up. I go, I can't believe you're working again. You have the world by the balls. It's time to attack this. You're going to go sell insurance where you could be doing this for yourself. You're going to get the same results in 90 days.

Same results. It's going to take you six months to build a bank when you're a salesman. You're going to go sell for somebody else. Go sell for you. Who knows you better than fucking you. And that's the problem with this shit today. Nobody knows us. He hit it on the head. Guys, I had no options. Me and Rick been friends for 20 years. I've been doing everything I can. I got no options. I never moved ahead. You know what I had? I had a life. I had a life that was fucking interesting. I had a life that I didn't know was interesting. But when you see that, listen, man, you know why Barry Katz never signed me? Because the time he gave me an opportunity, I went there half coked up. I don't get mad at nobody for what happened to me in my career.

I was fucking coked up for a long time. But now I'm off to cope. And now we're making moves. And this is what you have to do. Yeah, we all have a dark spot in our lives. We all have a loss. We all have something. That's great. That's fucking great. Now grab your fucking cock. Look at the flag and go, this is why I'm here. This isn't why I'm in Croatia getting hit in the head right now with a fucking stick. You know what I'm saying? This is why God put you here. If not, he would have put you in Croatia right now. You're getting kicked in the fucking stomach in the middle of the street. Okay, that's it. That's the plan. Your day could always be filled. Look at that guy's resume. The comics he's had, the people he's had. And today he proved it to me. You can't be a manager

unless you know this business. You have to know, you have to love what you do. He knows it. He mentioned 15 fucking comics, jokes, bits. That means you do your time at clubs. This is a lifestyle. You know, I love these people that, you know, I'm gonna get a job and I'm gonna move. What fucking weekend? You think he had a weekend? What fucking weekend are you talking about? What weekend? We have to spend your time with kids. Yeah, but the kids can't go to the daycare unless I go out and make a mug somebody every fucking day. So this is life, guys. This is life. There's no 40 on our job. If you're working 40 hours, that's why you're in the position you're fucking in. If you're not working 90 fucking hours a week, if you're not thinking about your life 90 fucking hours a week,

if you're sitting there going, the Beatles are making a comeback. You know, that's great. You know, who would win? Charles Bruntz in the Clint Eastwood. That's great. That's what I want to fucking think about today. No, I want to think about how I'm gonna fucking move ahead. And with that, let's give some shout outs, you bad motherfuckers. Johnny in the UK, my man, Andre, Phil Draper in Chicago, you bad motherfucking JJ Morales and Tabi Abda. Happy birthday, your girlfriend loves you. She's going to suck your dick and lick your nutsack today. How's that one? How romantic. Jesus Christ. What do you want in your birthday? You want a cake with candles? One that keeps popping back on everybody. No, no, no, no. You want to check the software, candle up, lick the balls,

and suck on mink and take that staminke juice out of your helmet. You know what I'm saying? Look at you. You're fucking, you're swollen from the night wacking off this weekend. Then get that Mexican robots. And then your dirty bastard. Let's give a shout out to my main fucking sponsor. I love him on it. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for alpha brain. I become a better fucking comic. Let me tell you how on it keeps getting better and better. They got that fucking power food. Plus you get that stay on it. The thing that they mail you a package every fucking month to your door. You sign up, you get 20% off plus the 10 I'm giving you. Who's fucking better than you? You got Hulu Plus. Let me tell you something about Hulu Plus. You

have the shows they watch on Hulu Plus. Yeah, you know what? I was bought. I was not at the web page there. They Hulu Plus.com because it's Hulu Plus.com. Okay, I always fucking forget. You look at that web page, you see the fucking shows they have on there. They're not fucking around. I don't have the time to recite the fucking shows. Listen, if you go to the web page, they're going to give you a Hulu for $7.99. And it's one week for free. Bang. That's what mad flavor comes in like your earthquake up your ass. I'm giving you two weeks, two weeks, you see what the fuck you want? You can binge watch. You don't have to go no fucking corner and get a movie. You don't have to do nothing like this. All you got to do is go on your computer. You can watch it from your iPad,

your fucking PC, your fucking, your iPhone, a major thing on your eyeball. Anything with a screen. Anything with a fucking screen. Hulu Plus is there for you. Go to joeydears.net. Go to the Hulu Plus.com box and put in Joey in the box. Get two weeks for free and $7.99 a month. That's fucking more than a year. $96 a year for full entertainment, binge watching, you can smoke creepy, you can scratch your dough. Whatever you want to do, just press your fucking finger and Hulu Plus is there for you. Who's better than you when you need them? Hulu Plus. Also, I'd like to give a shout out to my sponsors, Dollar Shave Club, always there for you. Pick your program, get razors delivered right to your house. You don't have to go to some pharmacy

and stand online with a bunch of fucking junkies, waiting for people calling on you with the flu. Who needs that shit? Get the razors sent to your house, just open the box with fucking gloves. Maybe the mailman's got the flu. Open the box, you get four blades, you get a fucking razor, you get nothing. What else they got? They got the hand. You got Womab Charlie's, you got Womab Charlie's, you got the shave butter, you got the shave butter, it makes your face look like a fucking Richard Gere in the office and the gentlemen nice and smooth. And, but the razors are where it's at people. Why go sit on the fucking line? Why go out of the house and deal with rusty razors that get rusty from the fuckball that shit? You get the razors

sent to your house, you don't have to go nowhere. Let's say you're a hermit. All you have to do is watch Hulu Plus, take on it and shave your nutsack with the fucking razors you get from Dollar Shave Club. Go to the Dollar Shave Club, go to joeydeas.net, go to the Dollar Shave Club Box and Press. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H in case you don't watch Sesame Street. Bam! And get your fucking deal from Dollar Shave Club. What's that? It's on Hulu Plus. It's on Hulu Plus. See what I'm saying? Even Sesame Street is on Hulu Plus. That's what I'm talking about. I want to give a tremendous shout out to escapebottank.com for all your floatation tank needs. This is the spot. I've been getting emails from people at their prices are spectacular. You understand me?

Go to escapebottank.com, look and see what they got. They got industry tanks. They got fucking house tanks. You can float in your house. You can float in the fucking jungle. You can do whatever the want. And they'll deliver it to you for a couple extra yardsticks. They'll fly out to install it. But if you're flying out, you get $250 off and you mention Matt Flavis' name. Go, my man will fucking take good care of you. That's how we do it here on a Monday morning. On it for your fucking health needs. Dollar Shave Club if you want to rent your head. Let's say you want to shave your head. You got even a better deal because now you got the razor for your head, your face and your nut sack. All for fucking $6 or $9 a month. I don't know how many Jews are out

there because I have it. Jews have Jews have hairy backs. I use it for the back because I don't know what is your back. I do. I do the top. So I have something that gets that ridges down. They have something for Japanese check 20 bucks to shave your back. Give you a little massage, put some cleaning. What about the Mexican shake? You don't have a shave. I can have a shave my back. Why not? A mother will shave your back. You go down there when she cooks for you. Because with Jews, it when it comes off the head, it goes straight to the back. It's like a sweater. It's terrible. I wouldn't tell you something. I wouldn't tell it to anybody. Next time you go down to grandma's house and you read and ask her, I want you to shave your back. I don't want her hands

touching this. She's touching the food. Who gives up? That's even better, little Jew backfingers in the fucking salsa. She's a fucking millionaire. Jed's a millionaire. That was a very interesting conversation today because I didn't really know. I knew what a manager did and I knew what entailed it. But I know that this, it listened to be good or anything in life. You got to fucking sleep it, chew it, eat it. Yeah, you do. Absolutely. That's it. You know, I love to tell you that this is a quasi, whatever. You know, this weekend in Chicago, a couple of open Mike guys came up to me in downtown. That day I was eating and some guys came along and we're coming to the show tonight, man. And it was just, I was jealous to be them. Like I would be jealous. I don't want

to know the life. I'd be jealous to start comedy all over again. The things I would do and what wouldn't I do? You know, there's so many things. The bad choices we made, fixing that shit. But I had a great time in the beginning. Like I committed once at first I was a little jugger. It took me three years to really put it together. So I don't want people to think, Hey, well, it's like me with jiu-jitsu now. As long as I show up once a week, I'm good for right now. This week I'm going to go two or three times a week because I'm in town all week. But when I'm in town three fucking days, I don't have you know, I go to kettlebell class, I got the baby, you can just do so much. You're not 22. The thing I always stress is going. Sometimes things get slow and you get on stage a

lot more. But at least you're in the game. Don't stop fucking showing up. Don't stop showing up. I went out last night. I went out last night. There's not an open mic, but it's a semi-professional thing over at Hooters on Hollywood Boulevard. Just a bunch of 1920 year old girls in the front row, fresh out of NAU. I had a great time with them. They were there. I was talking shit. They do comedy there? Yeah, they do comedy there. I don't know who hosted it, but Dave Taylor told me about it. Dave Taylor and I have been friends for a long time since the comedy store. He's still hustling that shit. I can't stand for me. It's hard to walk back into that place. Going through what we went through. But you know, he called me. I was like, come and do this show.

I had a great time. And I wouldn't have. No, but he knows the people. He knows the people. He knows the people. It's amazing, bro. If you want to do something. Yeah. But it's like working out. Every once in a while, you're like, oh, I don't want to fucking do it. I don't want to get up. My back hurts. My legs are aching. But once you're in there and you're lifting the weight, so you're on the machine, it feels good and you feel good about yourself and you realize I'm not a fucking pig. I'm not an animal that's just sitting at home eating potato chips and watching TV. No, I'm doing something. And it's that step. You've got to take that step. Always take that fucking step. And I didn't do it for so long. Remember, you and I had that conversation.

Remember when Marilyn says, why am I going to go there for 50 bucks? And you're just like, wow. I always told you that was the beginning of the end. Yeah. She was going on the road with Paul Rodriguez for 2000 a date. And one night they gave her a spot in the main room. And I called and I go, Marilyn, you have a spot in the main room. And she goes to me, why would I go down there for $50? And I knew right there she was done in more ways than I didn't know she was going to die three years later. But I knew that her career, you know, at the time of Marilyn died, we weren't talking because she had this anger. She had this anger. And there was no reason for the anger. The only person you could have been angry at is yourself. And God wish her soul. I'm not talking

nothing bad about it. But no, this is what it happens to people. You know, you can't be this guy I flew with on Friday. When I got off the plane, I was disgusted that he was even a comedian, because the way he was talking, he had given up in his fucking mind. You know, you're walking around. I love that expression. You're the fat lady with a hand under your arm, but you're pissed off because you have no white bread. How the fuck can you be pissed off? You have a hand under your fucking arm. Take that hand and now work for the bread. But don't be pissed off. Don't be angry at society. And I got to tell you, for years, I was that person also. That's called claiming responsibility. That's what that's called claiming responsibility. And what the fuck am I

saying? I have a book I want to sell. This guy's telling me he's got a book and he's broke. He's got a great book, guys. He's been around for 30 fucking years, stories out the ass. I read a chapter. I was blown away. I go, why don't you sell the book? He goes, I'm not going to fucking put it out there to get a hardcover, cost 10 grand to get a hardcover. And like that, when I go on Craig Ferguson, I have a cover and I'm thinking to myself, does this guy not know that Barnes and Nobles went out of business? Who went out of business? It's a book of boarders. So you're you understand me? So part of it is an excuse to fail. And part of it is just a stupid excuse. But at this point in my life, after what I've been through, I do not accept from anybody anymore.

I do not accept this from anybody. Because there was tons of times when I was looking at a fucking dark hole. And I said, there's no way I'm going out this way. There's no way any other way I'll go out. Any other way I'll go out. You know, I called Fred Coleman this week. His wife died. He was my old agent. He was one of the three agents I had when I got the longest yard. I had three of them. Fred was my unofficial agent. I paid him. And then I had Greg, who I fired him when I got the longest yard. And I had JKA. Whoever got me the longest yard was going to get to the top spot. Whoever was second was going to get fired. And I was always going to have Fred. Fred was my coverage. Fred, you know, it's really weird when I had three different agents. I could see what each

person thought of me. Each person perceived me. Not each person sent me out for the same roles. So I got to learn a lot. I had three agents. You can't do that today because everybody's on computer. When he goes to click you, he'll go, Oh my God, why are you with JKA? But in those days, I had JKA, Fred Coleman, and fucking whatever Greg's business was. And it was 10 years ago this month. It was 10 years ago in March of 2004, where I got a call from Fred Coleman saying to me, Hey, Adam Sandler's doing the longest yard. I just saw the preliminary breakdown. The breakdown came out March 5th of 2004. Because I saved a few years, I might still have it. And it had the roles of Michael Irvin, Nellie, Goldberg, but no names attached. This was

the very first thing. And he goes, let's get it on. And he couldn't get an answer for a month and a half. And then May is when it started coming up. May was when it started popping up more roles. The script wasn't finished. They didn't really know if it was going to be exactly the same or Adam Sandler was going to improvise. And that's when he got a hold of somebody. He was the first person to make contact. And they told Fred Coleman that they would not see me because I was not a star. And Fred's like, it doesn't matter. He's funny. That's what Adam Sandler does. No, no, no, no, no. For those roles, they're only going to see stars. And when he told me I got sad, I got a little sad for a few days. And then I went to Houston and all my cocaine in those days

and all my fucked up shit. I fucking got Chuck Savage to tape me. And I sent that tape in and I got the role. And I learned a lot that day. I learned that you can't just say fucking no and lay down. If you're believing yourself, belief is fucking everything, guys. The reason why you quit your job is belief. You got to close your eyes and go, at the beginning of the month, me, Joey Diaz, Joe Rogan, and Rick Ramos are the same. We're at zero. On the first of the month, all four of us have none. We're all on commission here. Everybody here is on commission. Nobody makes a fucking dime. It's what you do with it. We're all on zero. That's what makes us, that's why this is no better than nothing. That's why

this is how I understood this lifestyle. I understood this lifestyle. On the first I have zero, but on the 30th, I better have something. And you know, a lot of people do this. This is where a lot of people mistakes is. They flack off the first 10 days a month. It's a vacation. The credit card, but you're never going to get back. You got to come out of the fucking gate on the first, like a fucking savage. In fact, you got to come on the 31st. You follow me? You got to come on the 30th, like a fucking savage for the next month. So on the fifth, you got to fucking paycheck. So you start the month off on a fucking positive. So whatever happens, because if you put it to the rest and you know what, some months, you're not going to hit the first of the

month, some months, but at least as you know, you're going to hit the effort. This is very important. This is what it is, guys. So it's life, motherfuckers. And it's Monday, March the 17th, St. Patty's Day. Do me a favor. Don't drink and drive till they smoke, refuel and drive. It makes your response time a lot fucking better. And I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank our sponsors Hulu Plus on it, Dollar Shave Club and escapepodtank.com for always having our back on. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank the people in Chicago this last week. That was four sold out shows. And I love you guys. And it meant a lot to me. Three years ago, we never dreamt. I never dreamt. We never even discussed this. And now people coming out. And

the reason is this podcast and what we do in the effort. This isn't easy, guys. I never said this was easy. We got to get up every morning. You think I want to be here for 45? I would be back in bed. I used to get up at four, smoke pot. I get so stoned, but I had to go back to fucking bed. You know what I'm saying? So I love you guys for sticking around this week. And there's no dates to promote. What I want to tell you is the shirts are coming. Shirts are coming. The patches have been ordered. The fucking mugs have been ordered. We're moving into a bigger office. Big things are happening. So thank you for supporting everything. And we love you. Stay Black. We'll see you Wednesday with Adam Corolla. And quickly, my shirts are here. If you go to

leciot.com, L E E S Y A T T. They're just 20 bucks. And Mike Maxwell designed it. So I'd appreciate it if you just one checked it out. I have stickers too. And then Rick Ramos here, we do a podcast called Watch This Every Tuesday. Yeah, we're going to have us some fun tomorrow. We're going to be Muppets are coming out next week. Want to take us back to childhood. This one's going to be for the kids. Every once in a while, you got to find some people that are disappointed with the shit that's out there. Watch our show. We'll give you advice. We'll let you know DVD, Blu-ray, Netflix, Hulu, Red Box, anything that you need in order to entertain your family. You don't have to go and see this shit. We ate. We've seen enough. I've seen enough shitty movies in my life that I'm here to

tell you what is good and why it's good. And that's what we talk about every Tuesday for an hour and a half, two hours. And I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's going to be fun. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has been on thousands of head shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast to get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeydds.net and click on the

dollarshaveclub banner. And again, thank you to escapepodtank.com. Get your sensory deprivation tank, get it sent to your house. They'll put it together. You put it together. Just mention the church and save $250. Stay black cocksuckers. Who the fuck is this? Paging me at 546 in the morning, cracka dawning. Now I'm yawning, white with cold out my eyes. See who's this paging me and why? It's my nigga pop from the barbershop. Call me he was in the gambling spot and heard the intricate plot. A nigga's wanna stick me like flypaper paper. Slow down love, please chill, drop the cable. Remember them niggas bumpin' hill up in brownfield at your old night's switch. I'm the god night's switch.

Hear my nigga fame up in prospect. Nah, let my niggas not love what you disrespect. I didn't say them, they school me to some niggas that you knew from back when. When you was clocking minor figures, now they heard you blow it up like nitro. When they wanna stick the knife through your wind pipe, slow and slow. Black paper warning me, cause now I'm warning you. I got the Mac nigga tell me what you're gonna do. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper, damn. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper, damn. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper, damn. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper. They heard about the Rolexes and the Lexus with the Texas lights and lights out of state. They heard about the pounds you got down in Georgetown and they heard you got half of the

gin you locked down. They even heard about the grip you put your arms up, Florida, the fifth, Florida. Call the coroner, it's gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing. If my burglar alarm starts ringing, what you think all the guns is for. All purpose war got the Rockwellers by the door and I feed them gunpowder so they can devour the criminals trying to drop my decimals. Damn, niggas wanna stick me for my cream and it ain't a dream. Things ain't always what it's mean. It's the ones that smoke blood switcher. See your picture. Now they wanna grab their guns and come and get you. Bet your biggie won't slip. I got the calico with the black talents loaded in the clip so I could rip through the ligaments. Put the fuckers in the back of the dickaments

with all the foul niggas when. Touch my cheddar, fill my burrata. Fuck when I'ma hit you with your motherfuckers, better duck. I bring pain, blood stains on what remains of his jacket. He had a gun he should have packed it. Cock it. Extra clips in my pocket so I could reload and explode on your eyes. Hold, I fuck around and get hardcore. See more to your door, no beef, no more nigga. Feel the rough, scared to luck. The more weed smoke I fuck, the more dangerous. I don't give a fuck about you or your weed crew. What you gonna do when big papa come for you? I'm not gunning nigga, I bust my gun in the old door and I hear somebody coming.