Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #161 | JIMMY SHUBERT | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, May 9th.... Today we catch up with the Great, JIMMY SHUBERT! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Bespoke Post & Sheath Underwear.….   Bespoke Post Support the show by going to www.boxofawesome.com  and use code JOEY for 20% off your first box. Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code JOEY to get 20% off your first order. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #SheathUnderwear #BespokePost #JimmyShubert The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Let's get this party started. It's Monday morning. We got some shit to talk about. Jimmy Schubert is in studio. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check one, two.

Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Uncle Joey. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

It's Monday, May the 9th. My mother's birthday in hell. Well, that's where I think she's at. Anyway, it's a fun, filled fucking week. I hope you guys had a great time on Cinco de Mayo. You jumped up and down. You crashed the car. You got a DUI.

That's when most DUIs happen on Cinco de Mayo. People lose their goddamn minds. But it's going to be a great week. It's shitty weather today, but I got my man, Jimmy Tushu Schubert in the studio, Philadelphia's finest. What's going on? Nothing, you know, fucking here in Jersey.

It's a rainy fucking day. You came by. Yeah, I came by, had a slice of pizza, hung out, I missed you, you know, because I got out of LA too, bro. Doug, we got on the fucking first train out. We in Rogan. We won the first train out, Jack.

Fuck you. Everybody's scattered. I went up in Delray, Florida. It's River, New Jersey. I mean, it's freaking, it's, you know, fucking Steve Simone's in Florida, Lee's in Boston. Half a fucking comedy's in Austin.

You know, and I got to tell you, man, I saw Rosanna on stage in Austin. She went down there and was fucking around with Joe and Ron White and stuff. And I got to be honest with you, I think it's going to be, I want to do some comedy, some sets.

I think I'm going to go down there for a couple of days and do a couple sets with those guys. It seems like they're having a good comedy time. Well, yeah. You know, I was just down there. I did the rumble room, but I was down there. I did an episode of Kill Tony. I mean, these guys, that Vulcan,

the gas company right across the streets, the cake in the cave, the cake in the cave. But they're like, like right within a two block area. And then, you know, Joe was looking at a building down there. I know. So it's going to be, I mean, that whole area is going to be hot. I mean, you know, it's interesting.

Margie, you have a capsity, but that, but that club, they closed and then it reopened. And I think at some point somebody looked at that building and they, they buy it, but they put like a big price tag on it. It was like, no, not really, we can do anything you want.

I mean, they should have done that, but I remember it was a pretty decent room, had a real nice big show room and on the outside by the bar, there was another little stage there. It was a nice club, but I think they, Yeah, we're not a business. I heard that Margie, her mate of many years passed away right before the pandemic.

So she wasn't doing good when the pandemic hit. And then she was looking to sell the club, but they put a heavy price tag on it. That could have been a very easy move to Rogan. But they put a big price, they read they saw the 100 million and they wanted to add. And that mall is, it looks like a mall in North Hollywood. You know, a Bodega karate school.

You know, it's- Isn't that character? No, it's missing. You can see a good, a good fucking wind blown that that club is gone. But, you know, I went down there and I was very impressed with, I didn't go out that night. I had to come right back.

I think I'm going to go down there in May and then one time in June. I went down there and so we're at the, creaking the cave and then the back is just wide open on it. And it started, here's Cliff is prior to that. Adam Egan, everybody like the manager was like Mitchell. They were all like, I felt like I was behind at the comedy store, but they were all the LA people,

all the comedy store people were there. It was a blast, man. I had a great time with those guys. For me, it was, listen, I'm too fucking long in the tooth to go down there and think I'm going to plant fucking whatever, you know, but it's nice to just, I like seeing those kids doing that. Yeah.

I really like seeing those kids fucking grinding it out. It does something to me just cause I don't want to do it at that pace anymore. Doesn't mean I don't encourage people to fucking do it. So it's kind of nice. I like what they're doing down there. Yeah, it's a real scene. It's Hollywood without the fucking Hollywood.

So it's got to be beautiful. Anytime there's stand up and there's no Hollywood involved, it's as pure and as down and dirty as it could be. Yeah, man. You know, when you see guys like Jimmy, myself, we went through that scene. I mean, Jimmy was there with Kenison. Jimmy was there when it was really mattered.

Yeah. No, it was crazy. Yeah. When it really fucking mattered, Jimmy was there. So think about it. I mean, we were a little older now. You know, I mean, if I didn't have mercy and the fucking wife, I would go on the road with the gold

for somebody to find me dead. That's it. What are you gonna do? If you're gonna have a wife and a kid, you're gonna go on the road, get your dicks up, or jeez, light your nutsack on fire. You know, you're gonna do all these things because there's no, there's no anchor.

You know, when I had, when I didn't have an anchor, the road was fucking a magical place. It was the Wizard of Oz. I didn't know where I was going every weekend. I was going to Houston, but I ended up in a fucking white supremacist camps, Norton Coke in Beaumont, Texas, saying I hate Jews. You know, that's just the way it is.

That's the adventure that comedy gives you. You know, that's the adventure. If you're in for that adventure, once you're married and you have a child, you know, listen, man, the last 10 years I did comedy, and I gotta be honest with you, all I thought about was that, them giving me that check on Saturday night.

To all I gave, once you gave me that check, the pictures disappeared, you know. So what's going on in America? I don't know, it's over. You gave me the check, it's over. There's no more pictures. The only thing I have on my mind is going home. I wish I had the money to fucking take a jet home right now.

The hardest thing of the road is after you get that check, waiting for that fucking plane, waiting for that car to call you at 555, going, we're here, and you're like, fuck. Hold on, I gotta smoke a half a joint, and then you get in there. That's all I loved about it was getting paid. That's why I'm doing what I did.

Thank God I fucking came to that conclusion. That was the best part of my weekend. The best part of my comedy weekend was getting to a town, eating that first dinner. That first good restaurant dinner. Whatever that city has to offer, that to me is fucking king. Knowing you have a show at eight o'clock, it's sold out,

and knowing you're gonna go back to your room, smoke a fucking pound of weed, and watch fucking HBO Max till four in the morning, cause you ain't got radio Friday. All you gotta do is get up, go to breakfast, and go to a fucking gym. That's it, you know, that's life. I love that shit.

But, that hotel stay now? Saturday, I'm ready to commit suicide. I'm ready to pull a Chris Cornell. I'm ready to pull a belt around my fucking neck on Saturday, because that's why I have Jimmy here. Cause I don't want him to sit in a hotel room on a fucking Saturday. I didn't forget that shit.

Yeah, you know what's interesting, is you're right, once it gets to a point, like I've been everywhere in America probably. Everywhere. Probably 15 times, like just touring around all over. And then, like, they're doing a, getting them to do those military tours, where you would go to like, or you'd go to Asia.

Like, yeah, I would go, when I was just doing it because it was different than like, I would get to go to Asia, but first off, I don't know, people spend, work their whole lives, and save money to go to see like, you know, Beijing, and the Great Wall of China, and Tiananmen Square, and all that.

And I'm like, over there, I've literally sent you flying to Beijing for a one nighter. I had two days off, so I went and saw Tiananmen Square, and then we fly up to, I went up to Shanghai, but I'm going, at least it was something different than just like, doing the road in America, you know. Just have to break up the monotony of it. Like, I would do those military tours,

there's so much. Me, Steve Byrne, Pedro Hernandez, Drew Carey calls me, and goes, hey, Jimmy, Drew, I go, hey, Drew, he goes, hey, we're thinking about maybe bringing you, if you wanted to join us, we're going to Afghanistan to do shows. And I go, yeah, I was thinking about going there anyway.

He was loving this stuff here in August. He starts laughing, and then we got, you're flying into these military, like, they're going to fit you for a Kevlar vest and a helmet, and you're on this like alpha-clash, you know, and you got a patchy escort and a fire, cattle and bears just off the back, and I'm sitting there like, you know,

I'm not nervous, you know, and Drew Carey's got the helmet down, and he's like, he's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, the guy's got, I got, you got two shows on television, what? Well, he used to be a Marine, so these were the kind of things that he would do, like it was like, I do this

because I feel bad for these guys, but I mean, that's like adventure travel, you know, I mean, you talk about the, just the basic stuff because you're going, I mean, it's 24 hours of straight flying to get to Doha, Qatar, and from there, you're on a C-130, and then you're on these things, doing these forward operating bases,

and we're getting off the chopper, and you get to tell, the guy goes, what are you doing here? I go, we're the, we're the comedians. He goes, yeah, but what are you doing here? Like, he puts me so hard, but he goes, come on. But I mean, it was kind of, you know, that was, it got to the point,

it was better than staying in the hotel room and, you know, somewhere in, you know, Po Donk, Iowa, you're right. It's so weird, the road, the journey of the road, you know? It's, it's fucking like you go as a feature act, and you go, and then they like you at the club, and they bring you back like in six weeks, six months. Then you come back to six months,

and now they know who you are, you know who they are, they're very nice to you, very nice to them. And then you meet a girl on Friday night. You do couple lines with her. Sadly, you swap from spit, maybe you suck at titties, and you promise your call. I'm not gonna sleep with you

because I don't want to be one of your groupies on the road. Okay, whatever, I don't have no groupies on the road. I just date chicks that do blow and have dirty feet. That's all I look for. So, so then you come back to that thing, and now you do coke with her, and she actually sleeps with you. And you have like a nice weekend,

then she tells you she doesn't want to have a commitment, and you don't give a fuck. You just go to the next town and hope there's a freak there too. And then you come back again a year later, and this time she comes to the show and hooks up with you, but she tells you, I got a boyfriend.

We can't do that no more. You're like, God damn it. But he wants to meet you, you know, and all this shit. Now you gotta meet her and the fucking boyfriend. And then the next time she calls, she's like, well, we're gonna meet, not really. If you're not licking, I'm not buying, you know what I'm saying? Take your fucking romance somewhere else.

It's so weird, you see these people grow up. You go to these, like, I didn't have the opportunities that Jimmy had going abroad because I'm a fucking criminal. I got no fucking passport, so I got stuck going over and over to the same clubs. And I gotta tell you something, honest, I really enjoyed myself. I gotta say, in all the American cities I went to,

there was maybe two cities I did not like, and I can't even think of what they are now, because I always, part of the reason why I got into comedy was to see the United States. When I would read those comic biographies, they would talk, they would always mention, when you read The Almond Brothers, all those books, they talk about these podunk towns.

Anybody could go to Chicago, any idiot could go to New Orleans, go to Lafayette, Louisiana, you know, go to fucking. These are the places, it's funny when you have a conversation with somebody as a comic, and then they don't know you're a comic, and they're like, I'm from, you know, St. Louis, and all the time you start spitting out,

and they're like, what the fuck? And then you, they're like, how do you know? How do you know that area? And you're like, what high school did you get? Cause you here, now you know people. They start talking about high school. And you're like, did you go to LaSalle? How did you know?

You're a brain reader. No, I'm not a brain fucking reader. I just, I've been here, I've been to that, you know. I was telling somebody there about Michelle Walker. They were like, pale. They're like, how the fuck do you know about Michelle Walker? Michelle Walker is a part of Indiana. It's where Indiana and Michigan meet on the bottom.

It's on top of Notre Dame, fucking tremendous little thing. And they used to have the funny bone there by Notre Dame. It was a fucking, the guy booked you all the time because nobody wanted to go there. And you had to go, I went to go to Notre Dame for lunch. You had to see the touchdown, Jesus. Fucking tremendous, tremendous. I got the Notre Dame football shirt, the sweatshirt.

You know, you go over there and you get to see. That's what you do. What's the best thing in the town? You go find the meal, what they're famous for. You got to try this. So the food's cool. And then you, and then where was I? Yeah, Michelle Walker.

Michelle Walker. And I'm telling you, the only thing in that town is Notre Dame. I mean, around it, it's just kind of. Now it's different. That was 20 years ago. Now it's, you know, it's a fucking, you know, but I remember going up to Eshpameen, Michigan.

That's a little fucking, yeah. That's a little island on the UP, the upper peninsula, where fucking it's, you know, summer is 31 degrees. Like that summer, you get hit with snowballs that are soft, you know. Well, there's a, you know, there's a company called Creative Entertainment back in the day, but they booked a whole Southeast region

of like the United States. And so you could literally, you could do a Tuesday night in, you know, going over there. Sierra Bluff, Virginia, then you're driving over Preston, Merck, Kentucky, and down to Knoxville for the Friday and Saturday. And like, you felt like a trucker really. Like you put a thousand miles, but you're, you know,

you get to know the rules of the road real quick. It's like, you know, just follow the truckers. If you're driving, whatever the truckers are doing, you're doing it. You're getting your gas over there. We're getting our gas over there. If the truckers are eating here, I'm eating here. I mean, you would just go because, I mean, literally,

I would put a thousand miles a week. Oh my God, just driving to these towns. But you get to see America, that's for sure. You know, in the fucking purest form, bro. Philadelphia, Mississippi, bro. There's a place called Philadelphia, Mississippi. Oh, Philly, man. It ain't like Philly, bro.

It was like, you know, it was a real kind of. And I'm gonna tell you what he even makes. I'll tell you what makes that better. When you go to these small American towns and you actually have a great fucking time, you have a great time. Like I went to, I'll never forget this. I went to, what's the town?

So it's, it's Seattle. Idaho. I went to Idaho with Rico. This guy was six foot six and black. Not just black, real black. And to make it worse, he had a spider tattooed on his face. Like he did it with his beard. You know who the guy is?

Up in Seattle, good friends of Mitch Hedberg, good friends with Stan Hope. Just an all around guy. He told me he was a criminal from the Bronx. So when that guy got into a fist fight and I had to hide in a garbage can. So I called him and I told him to pick me up. I'm in the garbage can by the tornado in the Seattle.

And I fucking look out the garbage can and there's Rico six for five a mile away going like this. I'm like, Rico, everybody could see you. Even the cops, if they're fucking watching, they can see you a big black guy. So we take him to fucking Idaho. It's a one week run. You know, it's not triple.

It was Donna Richards. Yeah, but it seems like Triple Roberts is here. This was the eight ball in. Tremendous, the eight ball in. Fuck and I go up there with Rico, the blackest man in the town. So what is this motherfucker doing next day I get up. You know, I bumped into a fucking grandma Coke

and I get up, he's calling me. We're going to go eat breakfast. All right, we got to drive to whatever. We go down to the diner. He's the, he walks in, everybody turns around. It's like he have hot. He's six foot fucking five, 300 pounds black with a beard of the fucking spider.

So everybody looks at him. What do you think this motherfucker decides to do? He whips out a fucking mat, throws it down. He's a Muslim. He starts praying the thing. You wanted to see white. He was scaring white people to death. I may believe like I didn't know him.

I just went to the counter and I just, when he came over to sit next to me, I'm like, I don't even know you black man. Sit over there. Everybody's like, yeah, sit over there. Fucking coming in here playing like a Muslim. He got down, dog in the fucking restaurant. That's shit that you can't write.

That's shit that, I forgot all about that through this fucking podcast. That's hilarious. That's the shit you can't write. The best ever was I'm on a fucking creative run. I think Jimmy pulled for me and Ken Phillips. You both of you guys like give Joey a headliner. So I take Vinny Light bulbs with me

and we're in fucking Knoxville, Tennessee. Great town, college town, a fucking album store, second to none. I dropped my whole pay. I think they paid 175 to headline. I dropped a whole fucking check on that motherfucking in that store. I think I got a little coke.

We did like Clark, Tennessee. We did like all those drugs. And then we ended up the week in Knoxville. I get on stage. There's like 40 people in the audience. I get on stage and I'm doing my fucking jokes. They're not working. It's a Bible Belt.

I'm eating a bag of dicks. But in the audience, Jimmy Schubert is the hottest woman you've ever seen in your life. I can't take my eyes off this bitch from the stage. I'm going, how is this shit in Knoxville, Tennessee? Blonde, bite-sized titties. This is 20 years. This is 1997.

Maybe 98. I'm doing my stuff and all of a sudden they want to hack on me. They want to start hacking. Talking about sucking dick. I'm like, what's going on over here? She's like, my husband, when we go home tonight, he wants me to suck the neighbor's dick for $30. And then they go on to a whole spiel

about how he brings it to the job site on Fridays. He has a truck and he puts a bed in the back and everybody fucks up at $30. This chick was gorgeous. She didn't even know how hot she was. Nobody ever told her. No one in her and her family, he probably bought her from her father

for like $10 and a night for some shit. Like she was gorgeous, guys. And she's telling all these stories. When he has UFC fights and the guys come into the bedroom and fuck me, they're in a fight for $20. I mean, this is crazy shit. So the show ends. I fucking, you know, whatever.

Thank you for coming. I have no, I go to the bathroom. I take a piss. I'm going to my hotel. Before I go to my hotel, there she is in the hotel lobby. And she's like, all those stories I said were true. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You know, I suck dick, I'm like, listen,

you wanna suck dick, let's see what you got. So we go in the bathroom. We start swapping spit and she sucks my dick. No big deal. She goes, I had a great time. We'll see you later. I gotta go back to my table. I go to my room, roll a joint smoke

and I go back downstairs. There's maybe nine people in the fucking audience for the second show in Knoxville. Vinny Lightboat was his feature. He goes up there and I'm looking at her. I'm like, what the fuck is she still doing here? God damn it. I thought it was a to-go blow job.

She fucking lurked over with her husband and I'm looking at her and she's looking at me and she's holding on to her eye because she's hammered. It's like a 22nd birthday. The girl is fucking lit and she's looking over me. Now all of a sudden Vinny Lightboat will go, coming up, Joey Diaz, I go up down. How are you guys doing?

Eight minutes, nine minutes into my set. This chick starts crying. And then she goes, I suck the comedian's dick and he came in my mouth and the husband got up. He's like, what? And I'm like, no, she didn't. And it's going off in the showroom. She's like, I suck this dick and he came in my mouth.

And he's like, what are you talking about? You suck this dick. And also he's like, I want my $40. He's young about his $40. I want my $40. Did he come in your mouth? That's an extra $20, $40. They had to hold him.

The cops came. Bro, he's like, don't matter what happens, I'm getting my $40 and I'm like, holy shit. The next night I went down there, he didn't show with us, he didn't show and that was that. Like those are the things that you can't write. You're not going to see that on Seinfeld. You're not going to see that on Larry David.

But it's so crazy. I know, listen, you're not going to see that on there. This is what happens by doing. This is part of the allure. Like this is, you can't read this shit in a book. Nothing prepares you for this journey unless you do it. This, that whole experience, that weekend, probably somewhere it helped my career,

like my comedy, somewhere. Because it's, that's what it is. You're going out into the fucking highway. You know that Julius Breesong heading out to the highway? Yeah. I got nothing to lose at all. You know, it's interesting. It's very interesting.

Yeah, but it's like, well, you watch like Will Smith, smack Chris Rock on the Academy Awards. And like in my, you know, I said that was probably one of the most unprofessional fucking things I think I've ever seen. Well, simultaneously on Chris Rock's part, being the most professional thing to be able to hold it together.

I mean, that guy, they were to hold it together and then just like kind of go on and present the show. And I said, that's that standup training. You got to do standup training. Like, it's like, I mean, I'm telling you, he was probably like, he was probably like shocked. I was like, I just got smacked on what? Like, what the fuck just happened?

But he's dropped in at standup gear and go, okay, we're going to bring the presenters up and just kind of do it for, I think once you get backstage, you probably freaked out a little bit like, that motherfucker is really fucking smart. That's a fucking shame. That's a good point.

I never thought about it from that perspective because it's true. At standup training. True standup, when you're doing 20 years. Yeah, yeah. You're following people, you do 20 years on the ship. You're Christopher Columbus. I mean, if you do fucking 20 years from Green Bay

and all that shit, you become really good. I mean, guys, you get, like I remember I did the episode of Marin. Like I hadn't acted like a month or two, but it shocked me guys. What the work I was doing on that shocked me. Like, what this come from? Yeah.

The 17 weeks I spent on the longest yard. That's a long time to be acting in a row. Yeah. In a row, we usually act one week and then we move on for eight months. Then you got one day and then you move on. But 17 weeks, that teaches you shit. That teaches you how to prepare the camera,

how to look, how to block. I could rock with anybody. And my buddy, I'm a buddy, Rob Cullen, him and his brother Mark Cullen, they wrote a bunch of shit, nominated back in the game. They put me in a bunch of stuff, but he says, he did that show called Lucky, with Billy Gardell and Craig and Rob.

But he says, I love working with stand-ups cause you guys don't fucking flinch. You know, not like, you know, these lot of these actors are like, man, I just, you don't even know what fucking sucks is. All right. This is fucking great. Let's get it, let's get it on.

You know, because it's like, yeah, cause you do all those fucking gigs. I want my $40. Yeah, you do all those fucking things. Now you're acting and you know, that's great. I loved it. I loved doing that. I advise any young comic.

All these young comics have these new fucking brainwave ideas about, you know, they're all focused about social media. And I get it guys. I get the social media angle more than anybody. I love it too. But I'm gonna tell you something. The most important thing you could do

is to get those first five years and get yourself into the worst situations you can. For me, like if I, Jujitsu, it would be for me to go to class every day and have somebody lay on my fucking chest and me get up. It'd either be a black belt choking me and me get out from that position. That's what doing those triple runs.

Nobody wants to do triple runs. Everybody wants to do the improv. Everybody wants to do a theta. But nobody wants to do these one-nighters and guys. That's where your fucking strength's gonna come from. Plus it's the greatest adventure. It's the greatest adventure. Dude, doing stand-up comics brought me to the fricking,

Israel, Ireland, all over Europe, Munich and through Germany and Edelweiss and doing these military tours in China and Asia and South America and all over America. Like it's a great giant adventure, man, if you can get out there. And that's what it's about, I think. I think that's the journey of getting out there

and doing it and living that. Love you, right? You know, everything on social media, but it's, you know, it's, you gotta do that. But you also know what you like. I was in an interview with a young comic a couple weeks ago. He's going on the road and doing a tour. And the guy's sitting there like talking about it.

He's got this new idea for comedy and there's this new age. And I'm like, you know, I've been hearing this shit for 2,000 fucking years. This bullshit. And it happens every day in America. Don't lift weights, climb up a wall, that's better for you. You know, everybody's got the idea of what's better for you. But nobody wants to do the nitty gritty work.

The nitty gritty work, let me tell you something. I'm fucking proud that I did that nitty gritty work because it's who you are. It's who you are. It's not going to be a perfect fucking night. You're not going to walk on that. It's going to be a carpet. You dog, how many times did you work hard in your hometown

when you first started and somebody got you with a one nighter and you were expecting fucking the Playboy Club and you got that. And it's like where the Blues Brothers performing when they got bottles thrown at them. Craig Colorado bitches. In the old days, they had Craig Colorado had fucking chicken wire with a little thing with a comic to walk in

and they told you on the fucking thing, if the room is active, if anything should occur, run to your room and call the manager and dial 911. That was the thing that Tribble put in the bottom of that. The room is active. I'll never forget that. It was Boulder on Tuesday, Craig on Thursday, Friday was Grand Junction and Saturday was Pueblo.

That was that fucking run. Then he had Potato Run 1 and 2. They had Pueblo. Oh my God, Potato Run is every. He has two Potato Runs in fucking Idaho. Two of them. So once you finish the one, you come back the other and here's the beauty of it.

Potato Run 2 and Potato Run 1 have a room across the street from each other. So when you do Potato Run 1 on Tuesday, you're on this street. When you do Potato Run 2, you're back here. How do I know? Because I ended up in jail because of Potato Run number one,

some guy heckled me and I told him to go fuck his mother and then when I was doing Potato Run 2, I bumped into the guy when I was eating Chinese food at the mall in Idaho and him and his friend came up to me chewing tobacco and he think you're a tough guy and shit. And the next thing you know, I fucking, I go, we want to take you outside and fight you. I go, listen, there's two of yous.

You both want it. I got to fight you one at a time. Then they started talking to me like, like really you want to fight us one at a time? I'm like, these guys can't be this stupid. So the guy turns around, I took the tray of Chinese food. Remember like, what's that Chinese panda? Panda always throws the fucking noodles at you.

Those little main fucking carbohydrate cans of noodles. I took the tray when he turned around, I hit him in the fucking head. It hit him and the noodles stuck to his head and the noodles are falling off one by one. So I'm running out of the mall and they're like, come back, he hit me with the noodles and all this shit and they arrest me for fucking,

I don't even know what they arrested me for and the guy had to bail me out. They arrested me at six and they bailed me out at 9.05. I came out right in time for the fucking show at the club. That's what happens on those triple runs. Potato run, I also fingered an Indian chick and she had a yeast infection at the club because all those potato run, all those gigs

start off like a comedy show, but then they turn it to like a disco night. Yeah, it's like, all of a sudden they release it. They start moving chairs. And yeah, they start moving chairs. The silver ball comes down and drops and you can't. And they want you to host a bikini contest. And there's a fucking, you have no idea,

but it's all part of the fucking gig. It really is when they start moving the chairs out and you're like, what? They're like giving you the light. You're going into your best bit. You have like eight minutes. And you know what the greatest thing was? Oh my God.

It was all like the electric slide, like the everything and you're in middle America like and everybody just gets out of the dance hall. And they're doing with the cowboy boots, but they were all doing that bill billy line dancing. Then it comes away to the comedy show. The fucking place turns into a dance club. You don't feel too good after that.

Like if you bomb at the show and then it turns into a disco night and you go up to a girl and she's like, weren't you the comedian that bombed at the show? And you're like, okay. You just go right through your room, depressed, bro. You start crying as you're writing new jokes. You see the tears hitting the paper and shit.

Cause the chick told you you suck. Nobody really has an idea. Like the first road gig I had, they told me at the fucking lounge you have to share the room with the guy. You know what that's like? All your life you're reading these books. Let me bruise Kenison.

And also you get to your first gig and share a fucking room with a guy with size 14 feet. He's picking his toes the whole night and shit. You're like, God damn it. You know, God damn it. Nobody I've understand. This is why we end up fucked up. Because the beat you take early on,

I could come with it. Oh dude, the guys that did a couple of Army Cots with some bubble foam in it. I was doing this, my buddy, Jeb Atheloff. Jeb Atheloff, he used to do stand up. He now, this kid used to do stand up with me back in day. He's from Florida, but I took him on the road with me, right? And we hooked up with the Ron and Ron, Ron Bennington

was the Ron and Ron days with the disciples of comedy with those guys. And this dude now, this guy produces, he's got three shows come on. He produces a show with Jamie Foxx called Chazam. Don't forget the lyrics and another show. But this kid, we are off the road in this horrible club. And there was Army Cots with like the bubble foam.

And I go, I go, that's, I'm not fucking staying here. Are you ready or fucking? He goes, buddy, you know, these are the accommodations. I go, bro, I have a point that I will not fucking crawl. I said, I said, I'm getting a hotel room. He goes, yeah, good idea. Let's get a fucking hotel room. I'll split it away.

I said, good, let's get the fucking. You know what I mean? Like the, the, the beat and you take, like too. So you've been beating guys. Just for the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, like sleeping on a fucking army. It's a fucking beat guys. Nobody has a fucking clue that you got to tell them the story.

When you guys were partying, you guys were snorting coke and you broke the fucking fire hazard. And the next morning you went to eat breakfast and they put a fucking hose on your eggs and you guys got paranoid. So you left the whole. No, no, no, don't have a, no, we got, we got a fucking bag. That's what I forgot about that one, didn't you?

I remember all those good road stories. Those are good road stories. We got, we got a whole bag. We got a whole bag of that for words. We were, we were, we were Bennington's club in St. Petersburg. Talking to the mic guy. Yeah, and so I'm with my, I'm with my buddy.

I'm with my buddy Flathead, who's a legendary character. You know, the guy, he was the boy. He was my guy. He was the guy behind the guy. So we got all banged up and, and so I pulled, he's up on the second floor. And so I see him up there. I grabbed the fire extinguisher.

One of those power ones. And so I pulled a pin and I'm chasing him all the way down the outside balcony with this fricking thing. Right. And all that sweats comes down on the cars. It looked like it fucking snowed. And I have to watch my footsteps

cause I don't want my footsteps leading back to my door and going to go, this is the guy who must have done it. So I get, so we get back in the room the next day we get up and you see all the cars that look like it fucking snowed. And it's like, oh shit, we go to this place across the street called Lenny's and a great little breakfast joint.

And I got the five alarm on omelet. And it came with a little fucking fire hat on it. They must know we fucking fired the fire extinguisher from. It was fucking hilarious. We just fucking started dying. But yes, that's, you know, man, it's very, it's really weird when I was writing the book, I talked to Eric about this and it was really weird.

I didn't quit comedy. Like I think about that all the time cause I had some horrible luck for a while. Like my first five years I get momentum and then something would happen. I get momentum, but I kept coming back. Like it wasn't like I didn't do comedy. Like I would keep coming back.

Like I'll be back the next night. But it was always like somebody was banging the wind in my sails. I was never complete in the beginning. Cause like the beating that you get, you cannot, you know, there's still dog. I fucking look, I grew up loving Elvis. Do you understand me?

I idol when you're Cuban Elvis is a bad motherfucker. Elvis is a bad motherfucker when you're Irish. Elvis was a bad motherfucker and revisited his movies. You know, when you're a kid and you're watching Elvis, you want to fucking be Elvis. I forgot what I was getting to hear. No, but yeah, you're funny. I mean, you, you know, dude, I was thinking about it.

When I started, like when I was nine, you know, nine years old, I got this freaking, I got a stupid fucking magic kit. But then I turned into like I was started doing shows. When I was like 13, 14, I was doing like, I was getting like five or six gigs. I would go down to St. Christopher's Hospital in Philadelphia and you would go, I'm just going to do a show for the kids. Oh, that's great.

And so I would do it. That's how I would get better. And you're doing shows for the kids. And you know, and come out and do that. And then all these black nurses that work there said, well, you got to come to our church. You got to come to our church. And so like, I go, all right.

Yeah. And I got, so I would get these gigs. And my old man would have to drive me into some of the worst neighborhoods and like West Philly, you know, he's in a beat up pickup truck. I got this fucking shoe box and we could do magic at these. And that's kind of, I would have been thinking about how long I've been performing. And I think like, that's like, I haven't, I mean, I have a lot of jobs to pay the bills in between,

but this was always kind of like the goal, how to do anything else. This is my fucking life. And I still fucking love it. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's really what I was getting to the Elvis thing was that I liked Elvis. Now I can't look at Elvis because I did a fucking nine month tenure under Elvis. Fucking dude, an Elvis personator in Denver. I had to bring him up on Wednesday nights and I kept flash like,

I didn't think about it for years till I told the story. And now I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I tolerated that beating everywhere. And the guy would give me a small 50. You know, tell these people what a small 50 is on a Wednesday night when you're a starving comic. It's like a $2,000 check guys, you know. So he would call me out and I would go. He would feed me.

The guy was a great cook. He weighed about 300, 400 pounds. He was a great cook. They bought him out at one of the casinos. He was an Elvis guy for like 20, 30 years. Yeah. And that's what he did. He wanted to open up a little Italian restaurant,

but he opened it up in Commerce City, Colorado, behind a bunch of truckers and shit. There was a cute little plant. Only I had maybe five tables. But, you know, I've told the story before till this day. I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? Because I would have to go up, do 15, 20. He would let me do whatever.

That's what I did at the time because everybody else is giving you 10, eight minutes, seven minutes. He will let you do 20. I would die 10 of those minutes, but I would bring him up. So he'd come out first as the waiter. OK? And he'd like pour the food, whatever. And he cooked, too.

So he cooked. He cooked. He had a waiter, a waitress. That was like his niece. And then he came out. How you doing? That's got old, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he'd go, I'll be right back.

Let me throw some garlic bread. And all of a sudden he'd come out as Elvis. He'd give me like an eyeball. And I'd go, oh, lady, a treat. Elvis is in the building, coming to the stage. It's a great Tony, his Elvis. And he would walk through the thing and go up there. And I'm about to have to sit there.

And at first I liked it. But then after like 20 minutes, you're like, how much could I? It's 10 o'clock at night. And I got to put up with this guy, moving his body, fat going everywhere. You could smell the cellulite powder. Because when you're fat, your dry skin, that cellulite powder. Sometimes you could smell it.

And I used to sit there. But you know what? I became a better comic because of it. It taught me patience. It taught me how to laugh at myself. You know, when I lived in Seattle, it was a book that didn't like me. I called her a fucking witch one night.

I didn't like her either. But she had good rooms. And I called the one that I go, listen, I know you don't like me. I'm not looking for a booking. Can I do guest sets in your room? And she would go, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I can't lie.

So I knew she hated me. So everyone said I'd call her and go, hey, I'm going tomorrow night to do your show. Every fucking week I would call her. And one day she's like, you're such a fucking loser for doing these rooms for free. And I'm like, not really. You're the fucking loser.

You're fat. You're sitting on your ass. And at least I'm doing fucking better shows than I'd be doing if I was a regular open mica. I'm doing in front of David Crow and all those Seattle guys. And I'm getting better. I'm improving. So what?

You don't pay me. What do you pay anyway? 25 bucks? I'll do it for free and be better than you. Now fucking come back 10 years from now and tell you how. You sucked as a book and I'm better than you as a comic. It's a shame she died. So I never had the opportunity to come back and call her

a fucking dead witch. Fucking suckers. But it's a real journey. And I have a lot of guys on the Patreon that are young comics and they ask questions and stuff. And I encourage them. And I encourage them to stay in the game. You know, there's nothing like getting shit on.

And then how about getting shit on and bombing? How's that drive home for you? And not getting a dime for it. And you were supposed to be home at 11, but it's 12 fucking 30. And you got to be up at six for work. So you just ruined tonight. Today, you know, and not. But when you're a comic, you know that there's all.

It's like being a street person. Tomorrow's another day. Somebody kicked my ass today, but I'm going to go home. Eat a roast beef sandwich and I'm coming back. And you better be ready for Uncle Joey tomorrow. And guess what? And if you beat me up again tonight, I'm coming back Thursday. That's comedy.

Yeah, that's comedy in the beginning. And if that's not what you want to do, don't get involved in it. If you think making funny jokes on Twitter is going to get you good, but you're not. Yeah, it's going to get you going for a little while. You're going to sell out big shows. You're a big shot. But what happens when you get an opportunity presented to you

and you can't cover the fucking spread because you never want to do the work. It's like when people want a headline, but nobody wants to emcee. Fuck you. You're not going to make it because the emcee is the quarterback of the fucking show. You dumb motherfucker. And if you don't know how to navigate the team,

how are you going to get to the fucking promised land? So think about that. Yeah, I've always said that. I always say you're going to be great. You're going to be a great emcee. That way you'll be a great feature actor, a great feature actor. And you'll be a great headliner because you know that the show because you know the show show. Yeah.

And so, you know, I don't know what, you know, you got to do it. You just know there's no shortcuts. And that's the one thing I love about comedy. There's no you can fool some of the people some of the time. You can fool all the people some of the time. But you cannot fool all the people all the time. And you can rest assured and I'm telling you that you'll come up. The first time I worked with Kenison,

we're doing this place called Bogarts in Cincinnati. You know, it was this big weekend freaking thing. There was a there's a fireworks show. It was a tight end with this radio station. It was like a giant, giant event. And it was the first time I'm on the road with Kenison. And I go out and man, I blank. I blank for like 30 seconds and someone yelled something.

I said, shut the fuck up and it got me out of it. And I slowly, slowly got the setback and started getting him. But at the end of the set, I had him fucking going. I had to go and I was able to. Yeah, I was able to go. OK, I kind of pulled it up. I pulled out. I was ahead of the size of the mountain, pulling up.

We did the weight, not going to pull up. And then I walk off. I said, that's it. I'm probably not going to work with Sam anymore. Because I forget. And he goes and he said to me, he goes, no, I would have rather have you seen that set because now I know you can handle it. You know, there's no other guys were a tank that set.

No many guys were a tank that set. You were able to pull it up. Now, now I know you can handle it. Some guys would have just continued down. But so, yeah, but you got to do those things until you get until you can do those things on stage. Like you said, you if you don't do all those other shows, all those little shows, you won't know how to pull it up and say and save a set.

So like it's interesting, I didn't get on stage for like a year. I got on stage a couple of weeks ago at Uncle Dino and my man Dino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Thursday night, I went with Callan and Saturday night. And it's funny how, you know, the first set just blew up my head. Right. It just scrambles you the night I went with Tom Segura. Right.

Then the one when I went with Dino that night, I was struggling a little bit. Yeah. I could feel myself digging. The set I did Thursday night, the stress factory. I felt it like, okay. Yeah, it's back. I'm three quarters back, you know, I'm three quarters back. I'm light on material, but I'm three quarters back.

So Thursday night, I had a hard time sleeping because I came home and I had to go back to the basics. I had to watch the, my favorite, uh, anything for comedy, for back to basics. It's Rodney special when he has Kenison, Roseanne. Yeah. That is, you know, if I ran a comedy camp for a week and made people pay me, I would show that every night and break it down, break down each set. Hicks following dice is a brilliant set.

Um, Sam following shimmel or somebody's brilliant. There's a couple of things that if you watch those sets, you will learn so much out toward degree. And then you have to go out and fucking, uh, it's interesting. Yeah. Cause I co, I talked to Sam about that. Sam, we've talked about that. I said, that was, well, he goes, that was the one thing that kind of, it was

one of the things that kind of like put the pivot to launch. It was a planned series of things that happened to him after that where he blew up, but he said, he said, this was the one, like the one thing he goes, we got there with these guys and he said, I sat there and I went over every single word of my act with the director. He goes, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. So he goes, cover.

He goes, well, we can't, well, could shoot, you know, and when I, and I always remember that piece of advice is like, he just, he sat there. I did the same thing when I shot my comedy central special. Like I went over everything and that's why I was able to get out. Like, I looked back at that set of, I'm a finger back in a midget. How fucking, how fucking the side of each twin. Yeah. But the fucking, the director just shot around because I took the time and put

the time and he shot around all the stuff. So I got away with it. I couldn't believe what they got away with. I mean, before they go into that room, I said, over half a case of wine. I said, there's a couple of glass of wine for you guys to do the, just don't touch the airplane bit and don't touch the fucking conjoinal twin bit. We're good. And boy, they did me fucking right.

They did, they did a great job. But I mean, I, but I only because I heard Sam say that he goes, take your time when you get ready to film something or every fucking note or every little thing. So they don't know what's going on. And, you know, you'd be amazed how many people didn't do it. Like the week we're doing those specials many years ago. But I mean, you know, guys would just come out, you know, on the fucking skateboard. I, I was not a good special shooter, but I reviewed my special the last two years.

And I saw where I went wrong. And it's really fucking weird how, you know, I have to relearn again. Like this is the stuff I'm looking at. That's making my dick hard because it's making me think of that apartment in Boulder when I used to go home at night and sit and look at a notebook and look at Judy Carter's fucking book. And, you know, but to add to what you were saying, if there's comics watching on anybody for that matter, I went to a writing workshop.

It wasn't a standup writing workshop. It was a writing workshop when I got to LA and I took one thing from that workshop and the guy we were talking, he goes, anytime you review something before you present it, like we were talking about pitching, pitching shows. And he's like, it's so weird. I got on pitches or people and they've had a tremendous product, but because they pitched it wrong, they didn't sell it, you know, and they weren't prepared. And you really don't want to go in there with like a sheet.

You want to be able to, they want to see you, you're having a pitch. And he goes, I did a study for the years that would do percentages on pitches. And he goes, people who went over a pitch, like if we went over a pitch an hour before the meeting, the show had a higher probability of selling. So I took it as before I go on a stage, like when you go on the road, you don't really have to write on the road unless you really want to, you know, you can write whenever you want, but an hour before, you know, I go on stage on a Friday or Saturday night, I would always wash my pussy, come out, dry

myself, whatever, hit the vapor pen, get, put my pants on like a shirt and go over my set lightly, lightly, not, I don't want to know it like a script. No, because you want to be able to jump around the organic. Yeah. I just want to know it. And then I would turn the page over and write like, let's do this set with number two, first, number eight, second, and I would do shit like that. And it would, I tell you, man, it, it helped a lot.

It's a big fucking percentage for you to do better. So if going over your material before you go on stage, that's always been a plus. And I went over it when I shot the specials, but I didn't go over it the right way and I didn't prepare the right way. Yeah. There's a way to prepare. See how Jimmy and I were talking about this before we started the podcast. When I met Jimmy in 97, Hollywood was completely different than what it was now.

They took a comic, they put them on the road, 15 months, 15 weeks of the year. And then the other 10, 12, 16, because remember when we got that away, they were shooting 26 episodes in a season. Yeah. 26 episodes of 26 episodes at two, 13 season episodes. That's 13 weeks of your shooting TV. They got to be a break. So probably 16 weeks times two.

That's 32 weeks. So let's say you're on 10 of those episodes, 15 comedy weeks. You're working 25 weeks. That's a good fucking living and you'll sell tickets. Comedy shifted, comedy shifted. Agents weren't pushing comics anymore for TV shows. TV, on the other hand, TV started paying shit, you know, money on TV went low. When I got to LA, a guest star was 15 to 18,000.

Now a guest star is seven to fucking 10. You know, these streaming services, they don't give you residuals. So it's a one time payment. So now comics are like, wait a second, I got to do this for three. I got to do a costar for 3,500, but I could go to Pennsylvania for 8,000. It's a no fucking brainer. Yeah, I've had to do a couple of negotiations like that. Yeah, it's a no brainer.

I was, I was, I was one of one of canceling four gigs where I was making like fucking six grand. And this lady had me doing this, like trying to shoot me for these weeks. We need you for this week. We need you for that week. And I go, well, how the fuck is it that I can make more money on the road doing stand up and you're going to pay me for doing this movie? I said, how is that even possible?

I go because, I mean, at this point, I could just go, I don't want to do. I want to do the role. I said, it didn't work with me a little bit. She got the money up close enough. And so I canceled a couple of gigs and made myself available. It was fine. But I mean, you know, and you would, you expect like, but also the negotiation. Like when you learn, when we're talking about not just of what,

but you wind up negotiating and booking yourself on the road and you learn about the business side of it more than anything. It's like, I mean, I swear to God, it's like a lot of these, like I'm so, you know, I have to do it your whole life, even though you have agents, you have managers, a lot of times you're still managing your manager or agent in your age or just trying to figure out or people call you directly. You're negotiating a gig and it's like, yeah, you know, corporate gig or whatever. And so, you know, like you said, I mean, sometimes you sometimes these people

don't even give you all the information. Don't tell you when you're up for something because they don't want you to. They don't want you doing it. They'd rather have you on the road because that's how they make money. You know, and so it's, it's the business change a lot. Yeah, stand up and stand up. Yeah, stand up will always be fucking stand up. It's four brick walls, a microphone, and it's you against the world, motherfucker.

And I don't know. That's it. And I don't know about you, brother last, especially after the last couple of years. I mean, I'm telling you, people come up on this and people forgot how to fucking laugh. Oh, my God, like they'll come up and just grab me. Don't thank you so much. I needed that. Like it was so like it was almost it was like we were doing a mix for these people. They were like, this is like this is the last two. And this last two years has been tough on everybody.

Like just in what you could your life and different things and family functions and gatherings and celebrations. I mean, we're a social interactive species. We need, you know, now you put a mask on. So you're just a faceless fucking human and you can't do this. You need to your papers are not an order. No, no, my papers are an order. Check them again. You know, but I mean, it's like it's crazy shit.

I mean, it was a kind of kind of like it was fucking insanity. And so people got everybody just kind of caught up. Now, people are starting to kind of go back to normal. And and I'm telling you, like I do know like people came up and go, man, thank you so much for tonight. Like people need it more now than ever, I'm thinking. So so that also, you know, turns turns me it gets me excited to do.

And I love writing on the road. I like taking a bit that I get polished up. And so I go to a robot. I'm going to drop a new bit into my show. What a fucking great feeling that is to create. Yeah, to create is. Dude, so yeah. And you're getting a round of applause with it because you go now.

I got, you know, 90 percent of the work I'm doing is on the paper now. You know, I've been performing for so long, but I want to go on. I mean, for me, I love coming up with a hunk of comedy that just and you get every time you get a round of applause. And the people are fucking dying. And this is what I yeah, that's what I live for. I love that. That's that's my shit, you know. And you're yeah, but it's a yeah, it's a high for me too.

But I fucking do. Because I know guys get out of stand. I don't want to fuck it. I don't want to do it. But that's what I'm up. They pull me back in. You know, like Tim Allen, Tim Allen, Drew Carey. I mean, these guys don't fucking need it.

I don't need it. They just want it. They love it. They want to do it. People always go back. I mean, even like, even like the older guys, Bob Newhart would go out and go out and do the thing. Rickles, Rickles never fucking stopped.

They didn't do the fucking 80. I'm going to take a breather. Yeah, no, I know a breather. Yeah, a lot had happened. You never fucking take a breather. Yeah, you get all this shit grown at you. One minute you fucking starving in an apartment. You're struggling to pay rent.

And next week you live in a house and fucking studio city. And how'd you get there? But the guy said from the talking heads, how'd we fucking get it? I got a wife. I got a kid. I got a bike. How did we get here? So for me, I had an opportunity to just sit, smell the roses that I never did

since I was 16 and see what I wanted to do. I wasn't done with comedy. I just wanted to see where these changes were. Yeah, comedy in the world. Nobody knew we were dying from touching a fucking male two years ago. So nobody fucking knew what was going on. And I'll tell you, these last two years, same thing along the same. Like, you know, I've lost nine friends.

I mean, I love my Carla Bowen, Mitch Walters, guys I've done for years, guys who are mentors. And I said the same thing. It's like, I'm gonna fucking just go. I want to just enjoy my life a little bit. Look, I don't have to. Like, dude, I'm literally out of the mood to do it. I'm literally, everything is half what it was like.

It's like half, I mean, 2600 for an apartment. It's 1350 and like freaking in in in Florida. Like it's everything's just half. So I don't have to kill myself. I'm not enrolled like, you know, four weeks out of the month, just trying to make ends meet. And then you get a little bit of breathe. I could put a sip, slip it around a golf, do some hot yoga, drink some green

tea, get my chakras on. Pandemic, the richest people got the most desperate. And I couldn't understand that. Like these people have money. They're comfortable. Why are they acting so desperate? Even now today, when you look at Instagram, look at Instagram, look at the people who are acting desperate on Instagram and go, why are you doing this?

This is just stand up. This is fun. You're getting helicopters to shoot videos for a fucking date. What is going on here? They have blown this out of proportion. Yeah. And that's why I wanted to keep it simple. I'm not going out like that anymore.

I never quit comedy. I just wanted to give it a breathe to see what the fuck I was at and see who the fuck I was at at 59 years old. Who the fuck am I? One minute I was doing time fucking kidnapping somebody. The next minute I'm on stage with Dyson Vegas talking about gay people at a hotel that we're going to build a hotel and every hour on the hour, a big black cock would come out and sperm would come out and the gay people be on the bottom.

I know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, two years before I'm doing time with a bunch of black dudes in Puerto Ricans and we're eating fucking grilled cheese on a fucking iron and all saying you're in Vegas with Andrew and then you're in a movie with Adam Sandlin. And you can't process this shit because when you go to probably everything that's going in your mind, so I just wanted to take it down. I had the opportunity to do it. Yeah, I'm happy I did it.

I'm doing this shit now on my terms. It's to replace dog. It's to fucking kill six hours a week. You know what I missed? I didn't miss going to the store anymore. I didn't miss going to a fucking theater. You know what I really miss? Well, I miss going to the underground on Monday night and me coming up to you

going to shoot down on me to bother you. How much money you got? You know, I got 14 tough. I got 15. Mike, what do you got? 10? That's 35. We get a half gram and we could split a cheeseburger between three people. And that worked just fine. Guys, that worked just fine.

You understand me? Nobody was losing that mind. You knew what you had. You knew and you accepted it somewhere along the line. How many you got taken out of that context in my world? I just wanted to go somewhere on Mondays and Tuesdays and crack 10 jokes, smoke some joint with the guys, maybe pick up a hit of acid and go home. Maybe get your dicks up by a crazy open mic shake.

You know, I love that. And it got to something else for me. And now I'm trying to bring it back to that level in my mind. I remember when I was talking, we were at the college to where I had Damon Waynes and come in. It was after you kind of blew up, but I always loved Damon. He was one of my favorite comedians. He had a sense of honesty about a standard.

He was like the closest thing I saw to Richard Pryor. Like I thought Damon Waynes was fucking hilarious. He wasn't. And he would go, and he would go, once my juice is gone, I'm gone. And he'd bust the audience's balls. And just as his juice would get down to the end, I would walk and give him another glass of juice. He was just like, oh, look what I got.

I got another glass of juice. And he was going to bust her balls. But I love watching Damon. But he said to me, so I'm funny when I go, man, I said, it's great. I said, I'm really happy for your success. I mean, that show took off and all this. He goes, yeah, man, he goes, I gotta tell you something. The funnest times I had was doing the stand up for 25 bucks a night

when you didn't. And now people are throwing 3 million. OK, now be funny. And it's like, what the? You know what I mean? You start down. Horrible, horrible. Yeah, not that it's horrible.

But I mean, it's like it takes an adjustment. You have to if I can go take it. Let me go take a breather. But he said it because the funnest nights I've had here at the college was those nights just where you didn't have any pressure. You just be what you want to be. And man, I was the commie store for 30 fucking years. I mean, dude, like you said, you you've seen these these different guys

come through and it's like, I just love doing fucking stand up. I don't need to have to be in an arena. I don't got to fly in a fucking Learjet. Well, I just love making fucking people laugh, man. And, you know, if you can do that at a high level, like, you know, it's just one point used to be great to be a great fucking stand up. It was like the Carlin. I mean, Carlin, you think Carlin was run around to a fucking podcast?

No, the guy put together 21 fucking albums, 14 HBO specials. He wrote fucking eight books. He was a content fucking monster. If I lived to be 80, you'll never see anybody to put out that kind of kind. It's 21 fucking albums. It's a lot of comedy. And man, he's like, you know, to me, I mean, you know, like I watch car. It's it's it's amazing, you know.

And but yeah, that used to be great to be a great comic. It was good enough. And but now it's you're right. You got to do, you know, social media. It's it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work to be a great comic. Yeah. So I just wanted to crack jokes, hold your attention, you know, be interesting. And I wanted like what you said in the beginning, listen, people love when they go to a comedy show and the waitress drops a tray of drinks and you fuck with them. If you're funny and on point, people want something.

They want something to kind of happen. You know what I'm saying? They kind of want something to happen, a way to pass out. That just adds to the show. If you bring your 50 minutes of heat, you know, it's a great fucking experience. And I never really was thinking. Bro, guys like me can't retire. There's no way I can't watch TV in the daytime.

So there's no way I can't retire. I feel like a fucking loser when I put the TV on the daytime. So what are you going to do? You got to go somewhere. You got to go to the gym and put the TV on in the daytime. You're right. Yeah. No, you can't. No, I was on a friend of mine, been at UPS for 40 years. We were talking at the dinner two months ago.

And like, when are you going to retire? He goes, I'm going to die at that office. He goes, they want me to leave in the worst way. They don't want to pay me no more 40 years at UPS. He's broken every record. He's done every job they had. He drove, he broke cases. He's supervised and he's like, but I'm not staying home.

He was telling me they give him six weeks a year and his wife gets two and he takes the two with his wife. But the four that they give him, he works him. He goes, what am I going to do in that house by myself? Monday and Tuesday. Because by Tuesday, you're losing your fucking mind. So there's certain people that want to go fishing and shit like that. In my world, you, you, you.

What's an expression? Carmine Balzano once told me when you stop using it, you lose it. Oh yeah. A body of motion stays in motion. Body of motion stays in motion. You know, I was sitting there. I thought I could fucking sit here and go to school plays and maybe set my coach a fucking high school basketball. That's not going to happen.

No, he's going to hire me. I got 18 felonies. Who's going to fucking hire me? So all I am is a dirty stand up till I die. I'm going to do it fucking, you know. Yeah, but you know, the good thing is, you said earlier, you said I'm doing it on my term. I'm my term. Yeah, but that's. That's king. Yeah, that's the king. That's your right.

That means that you're never going to hear me go, hey, Jimmy, hi. Can you help me with this? I'm doing a special for Netflix and I'm trying to put the, no, the fuck away from me. You'll never hear me say that ever again. Hi, can you look at this bit because they're coming from Netflix? Go fuck yourself. You fucking Charlotte Muntcock fucking the fuck is right.

I'll never that you have no idea, guys. You have no idea how great it is to get off the stage and some fucking witty fucking agent comes up to you and says, hi, I really like your set, but I wish you wouldn't occur. So you don't want the best thing about my set is you can go fuck yourself with your fucking faggy fucking glasses. You don't know nothing about it. If you had balls, you'd be out stealing for a fucking living.

But meanwhile, you're fucking pimping out fucking comics to go around the world and put them in bad situations while you're at home eating fucking popcorn, watching the Rams. Cocksucker, the fuck is wrong with these people? No, I used to love that. I used to love it. I used to love with the guys who go, the managers would come up and they go, hey, I got a few notes for you.

Go fuck yourself. You had any notes? You be somebody, but you're too busy pimping out fucking people. Here's the greatest fucking story. I'm getting ready to fucking take my spare. I'm producing my special. I got my buddy coming in the director. We got the fucking gear set up.

I'm fucking putting the whole thing together. He goes, yeah, yeah, I'll step in. I'll do this thing. I go, yeah, well, you said you were going to do that. You never did it. You said you were going to do that. You never did it. I go, we've got to take care of it, right?

I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to fucking give me permission to go. This was my plan all along. I didn't need you. You want to end me? You didn't get in. And so he sits there that night. He comes there and he's fucking sitting there eating like a fucking show sold out. We took out a bunch of front rows.

There's a line out back shot at flappers, but they sell it up. We let it set the room the way we want it. And dude, this fucking guy comes over and she goes, hey, listen, do you mind if I move you over to this table? She goes, we're using every seat here, but you can sit at this table and finish your meal. And this guy throws a fucking hissy fit and fucking storms out of the fucking joint like this. And I was texting going, bro, I'm filming my, I'm filming my special on my fucking 15 minutes.

What the fuck are you doing? He goes, that fuck pissed me off. I'm glad she wasn't a fucking network executive. I wait three days and I send him a fucking email. I said, we're done. I mean, but like, like, these are the kind of people you're fucking like you're gonna fucking. That's what I'm saying.

Like all this fucking shit, all this stuff. I know how to fucking produce. I know how to do it. I didn't need your fucking help. You volunteered. You told me you're going to finance the thing. This guy was a fucking complete fucking douchebag. But you've wanted so many of those people in fucking showbiz and if you don't know what

the fuck you're doing, you'll let the charlatans lead you around. And what should I do? Should I wear a sport coat? Hey, put on a chicken outfit. You'll go up. Like the advice you've heard from these guys, these managers, like fucking parasitics would just kind of, even at a low level, fucking guys would just like, they could get to manage some of these comics and wait for them to fucking become famous.

And then they would fucking have to pay you off to get out of the fucking contract. That was their business plan. But I mean, it's kind of like, we used to record all those kind of guys. I had like three people call me as soon as I landed here. To manage? Oh. Yeah. Oh.

And it was fucking pathetic and I felt bad for them. And all three of them had no clue what they were talking about. Like I, listen, I'll hear you out. Yeah. I'm the type of guy you're buying lunch. I'll hear you out. But who's got something to do? It's a quick lunch.

It's a quick lunch. I got to go. But I'll give you an opportunity. All right. That's what you do. You get people an opportunity. I sat with like three people and there were all three of them were like low level. You know, at the same time, I wasn't looking for fucking Mr. Saturday night.

Yeah. But I'm also looking for a kid who wants to make his bones. Yeah. You know, some guy that's like, you know what? Like Gitlin. Remember Gitlin? Yeah. He reached out the other day.

I talked to Joe. I love Joe. We had the same manager. Jeff Gatlin. Yeah. Fucking guy. If I had him five years ago, it would have been a different ball game. I would have slept that night, but he got out of the fucking business.

Yeah. I told him that all the time with me. I said, me and Diaz, when you come back in the bro, but can't you come out of retirement? I asked him once. He's like, who manages you here? And he started calling people. I said, you want to go back to work about three years ago, right before the pandemic? Yeah.

And he's like, who's over there? Did you see the Sopranos when the father was going to build the house? Yeah. For the daughter? Yeah, yeah. And the inspector came and he's like, can't get on the horn with Pudgy Welsh. And he goes, Pudgy Welsh retired 15 years ago. Well, get on the horn with Jimmy Schubert.

Jimmy Schubert hasn't worked there in 30 years. Well, get me Alan Alder. He retired about 15 years ago. That was Jeff Gatlin. Yeah. And I was like, Jeff, here. That's it. Yeah.

Man, you know, he yelled. I was in the car with him one day and he was going off on a big time. She's huge now. He was going off on her by Billy Gardell because he believed in his clients. Yeah. It was me, you, Gardell, Nic de Paolo, I think, Calla Bowe, Johnny Sanchez. Johnny Sanchez. Yeah.

They called him Batman's villains. Yeah. He said, yeah. That was awesome. That was Batman's villains. And Doug, when this guy believed in you, like I didn't listen. I loved my agent that I was working with, but I really got a little upset last year and I told Jimmy when they got accused of things and these so-called agents fucking

run the other way. These guys are up your fucking ass, guys. Wait till you hit one day and these guys are at your shows lighting your cigarettes, laughing at all your jokes, but also there's an accusation from some fucking crazy woman and they'll call you up and go, we can't manage anymore. Well, fuck you then. Then what do we, you know, what are we doing here? I mean, look at, look, look at what, look at.

I mean, you look at that. You go, these are the people I count on and these people run because you know why? Because they're guilty because they knew it was going on and you didn't say anything and you allowed it to go on instead of fucking pulling your client aside and fucking, you know, dude, I mean, you know, um, yeah, you've seen some stories over the years of different guys and, you know, it's, uh, I didn't like it anymore and Jeff Gatlin really fought for us. Yeah.

I liked it. He ruined it. I mean, dude, this guy picks me, I flew in, picks me up in his car, drives me to the fucking audition, sits for me, waits outside and then fucking drops me off. I mean, like, and it's for a part, I got the job. It was, uh, the Rob Williams one hour photo thing and it would only work for like three fucking days, but still it was with Rob Williams. My scenes with Rob Williams, I get the fucking, you know, but I mean, dude, pick me up at

the fucking airport, drove me to the gig, waited for me to come out and drop me. I mean, look, that's a fucking real manager. I mean, you know, and people go, what do you want? Like people, I don't know what managers should be able to fucking organize. Like you got a fucking part voiceover career. You got to fuck a movie career. You got to, this guy should be able to fucking coordinate and organize all that shit and also fucking have you covered.

You know, uh, yeah, it's, it's not that way anymore. We don't even, we don't even represent me up on a Sunday took me to an audition. I snorted all my pay. So he took me to lunch. He drove me to this audition that was no pay. The movie didn't pay, but he wanted the real to get me another movie. And he got me to the other movie and I never forgot him for that. And we were tight.

We, I love Jeff Gellin. If he told me something, I did it. He got me into auditions that I wasn't even the neighbor is ready. He got him an audition one time. Shubin went out, got a little fucking tipsy, went to the audition, fucked it up. He got him in the next day because he said Shubin had too much coffee. Do you remember? Oh, you know, it was, no, I was, I literally got up.

I worked with my action. It was six o'clock in the morning. And I was just, I really like, I drank and like, cause I don't know if you know how, you know how nerve wracking is. You're walking in and there's 30 people in a room. There's like a one in one bedroom apartment and they're like on top of you. You just signed a contract and says, if you get picked for this role, you're making $33,000 for the fucking thing.

You start, you start getting the, you start getting the shade. Start thinking about, cause you start to want it. And the minute you do that, you're fucked, but you make it too important. You can't give anybody your power. What I say is you can't give them your fucking power. Look, I'm going to make my choice. I'm going to go in and I work with this woman named Karen West. It was like the Vince Lombardi of fucking audition skills fucking cause she's amazing.

She's still in LA. She works all the time. Every time I turn on the TV, I see her. She played, she worked with Robert De Niro. She's a fucking, you know, when it was Ivy Yale drama school. I mean, just anyway, she's a great, it was a great good, but I started booking everything with this lady. Like she's just, you know, you get a hold of it, but he did.

I got on this one, I got too nervous. And I was like, it's just snowballed. I remember you called me and go, let me tell you how good Jeff is. I fucked this audition up and he got me in there to read the next day and that's, I'm telling you, man, we, we were spoiled with that motherfucker. And then when I went on with other people, they were just terrible before we go. What do you think about Chappelle getting tackled last week? Cause a bunch of people asked me, I don't even know how to fucking address it.

So I'll give it to Jimmy. Well, I get, well they, they really, well, first of all, that dude got fucked up. They broke his arm. I mean, Jamie Foxx was there. Jamie Foxx. Yeah, he came running out of there before anybody and stomped on the dude. And then the rest of the guys came running out. But I mean, it's Dave Chappelle, man.

Dave's got a crew and a posse that love him. And yeah, the guy, uh, like I, it was about time. Like, like the, the other thing is like that's the different difference between the Will Smith thing and that's, that's completely different. I think, you know, that guy, but just, you know, the security will be beefed up. And even in guys like I talked with Dino, some of these other bigger name acts that are coming out, you have to hire a bouncer for them to come down to work the weekend now, but you're setting a bad precedent.

If you just can't handle it, stay out of the fucking comedy clubs. Really? I mean, you see, look, it's, it's, you know, I got to, I got to tell you, I, I'd feel bad for anybody would do that at my show. I certainly wouldn't fucking Chris Rocket. You'd probably get kicked. He'd probably get hit in the shim at the bottom of that mic stand. And then I would just tell you, I just, you know, I'm not going to give you

a chance to come up and slap me. If you, if you breach, if you breach, if you breach, if you breach that fourth wall, bro, I'm just going to, I'm going to assume now that I've seen what I've seen, I'm going to assume you're going to do something. I'm just, yeah, I'm not going to, if it happens, I hope, I don't hope it does. I hope it doesn't set a bad precedent, but it's, uh, a lot of crazy people out there guys, a lot of people looking. Well, you know, and you saw that guy is mentally ill.

I mean, who, bro, who brings a gun with a knife in it? With no bullets. No, with no bullets. With no bullets. What was that? I mean, that was like, that was like the stupidest thing. You know, the Hollywood Bowl is a dangerous place because it's wide open. Yeah.

A lot of people don't know that you can just go up there in the daytime, put a gun on the way you're going to sit. It's wide open. Yeah. It's a park. You can just put a gun under your seat. That's what I was thinking of. I know that, you know, it's a big stage out of that guy run across to him.

You know what, when you're a comedian, you're focused and you're laser beam, you don't really see that. Hey, Dave Chappelle, Dave Chappelle's a big guy too. He's a big dude. Yeah, he's a big dude. It's just, uh, we'll listen to that. He's a big dude, a small dude. I just wanted to know what you were thinking about.

You think it'll happen again in the future. I hope it doesn't. Comics, you know, attract that certain comics don't attract it. I got a knife sent to me. I'll fucking put on an anti splinter suit. You know, well, it's, it's all, I don't even worry about that shit. You go up there, you tell your jokes, you believe in what you believe in. And there's always going to be some fucking crazy motherfucker wants to

challenge you and what are you going to do? That's not the goal, man. I'm going to go and make people laugh and have a good time. And if you can't, if you can't handle that, then maybe you shouldn't come. But I think he's, people are doing it, you know, making everything political. That's, that's a state or it's, that's not really, they're just jokes. If you can't laugh, you don't have a good sense of, I feel bad for these people because like, I mean, you know, being able to laugh at yourself or having

a good sense of humor, don't, it kind of takes a men of wellness because you're able to not take things so seriously, you know, and some of these people just like, yeah, well, people just get so triggered so easily. What the fuck are you that allowed to be triggered about the last two years, way deep on people. Yeah, it has between black lives matter, the pandemic, losing jobs, mandates, a war, nobody knows whether they come into going, you know, I just got it together a few months ago, but it's a, it's a fucking cool world out there.

Yeah, I don't, I call it surviving the trauma of human existence. Like just trying to put fucking food on your table, making enough money to pay your fucking bills. I mean, you know, and you don't, and you get, and you get the tools you get. And if you don't have them, you should develop them because it's a, you know, it's, you know, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a motherfucker, bro. Just and live a life you want, man. Feed your soul, fill your head with beauty and enjoy your life, man.

That's it. Take care of yourselves, cock suckers. I want to thank Jimmy Schubert for making it happen on a beautiful fucking Monday morning here in the voodoo lounge in New Jersey. Where are you at next week? I'm going out to Vegas. I'm doing, I'm doing the LA comedy club at the stratosphere. Working with my buddy at a, at a Boston, Johnny Peezy and doing some shows out there.

And then I'm, I'm going to head back. I got the rest of the month off. I'm going to relax. I'm going to do some, go through some yoga, get back on my trainer, start doing cardio, hit the beach, man, play some golf, enjoy my life. I'm just, uh, you know, like you said, I'm doing it on my own. I'm doing it at my own pace now. Fucking pace.

It's all over guys. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you. Happy Monday. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning. Tip taught. Magoo now for a word from our sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers.

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