Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #162 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, May 11th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by CBD Lion & Green Chef.…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Go to https://www.greenchef.com/joey130 Green Chef... The Number 1 Meal Kit for Eating Well… Use Code: JOEY130 for $130 OFF & Free Shipping! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #CBDLion #GreenChef The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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GreenChef, the number one meal kit for eating well. Let's get this party started. It's a beautiful Wednesday, Tarzans. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, Wednesday, the 11th of motherfucking May. Where is this month going? I don't give a fuck. The cold weather's gone. That's all I give a fuck about. I ain't got nothing against the cold weather, but this fucking neighborhood around here, you needed a hooded sweatshirt at night to go anywhere. And if I go over the tenant road by the fucking softball field over there, that softball field in the words of Jim Florentine, that motherfucker is haunted, Jack.

And not with ghosts, with cold air, that cold fucking ghost. It could be, dawg, I went there six weeks ago. No, I'm lying to you guys. Maybe four weeks ago on a Sunday, it was sunny all fucking day. Do you know when I got to the field, I sat there, the sun was fucking shining on tenant, but it was hailing on me. What the fuck? That's haunted right there. Last night, beautiful all fucking day, I go over there for practice fucking cold as fuck. The sun disappears when you're back. And even if the sun's out, I don't know what the fuck it is with that field.

It's got like a suction on the bottom, like there used to be a town in Jersey called Midgetville. I don't know, please. 82 up north by fucking Englewood Cliffs up there. My friends found it. There's like a little town. It's just a bunch of little small people. And you go, we go, we get fucked up at night, take a hit ass and go to fucking Midgetville and drive around. Then on the way back, we'd stop at Dracula's Castle up there in Englewood Cliffs and look for Dracula. You got to be there, you know what I'm saying? You got to be a moron at that time. I was like 16, but what the fuck we talk? Oh, so yeah, Midgetville. So I don't fucking know where these places are anymore.

I don't even know what they exist, but I will tell you something. And this is very weird that I think I've discussed this already, but there was also when I was in 82, 81. If somebody wants to tell me where it is, but I'll let you know right now, there used to be a hill in northern New Jersey. If you put your car on neutral, it will either pull you up or pull you down. I think it was pull you up. There's a city, a street in northern New Jersey somewhere. If somebody remembers it, Twitter me, Patreon me, whatever the fuck you do, you park your car, you drive up to the thing, put your car on neutral, and the thing would pull you to fuck up. So help me God, I was in the fucking car. I know I was 180 at the time, but it pulled me and three other guerrillas up and then you go right down the hill.

It's you got to see it to believe it. These are the fucking things. You know, everybody says the seven mysteries of the world. You don't need to go there. This is a mystery right there. It's like the smell on the turnpike when you're driving on the 14 when you hit exit 14 in Jersey. It smells like cancer, a dead body and 10 dead fucking Puerto Ricans put together. Trust me, you could bring scientists from the world don't ever find what that odor is. That's the seventh wonder of the world, the odor on the Jersey fucking turnpike. You understand me? I'm used to it now. People, they just found the fucking grammar school or high school in Jersey. I know you motherfuckers, I know Mike saw this. They have over 100 cases of cancer.

You people are going to hear about this pretty soon. Some fucking grade middle school. It's up Northern New Jersey right now as we speak, the kids are fucking home. They're going to other schools because since 19 something, there have been 100 brain tumors and different types of cancer that people graduated from that fucking school. This only happens in Jersey Jack because God knows what the fuck they buried down there. God fucking knows the piece fucking savage is buried anything not to save a fucking buck. The other day I went somewhere I saw asbestos in Jersey. I saw asbestos at like a fucking hardware store. Like the ceiling was down like one of those things fell and the asbestos is just hanging there and people under there smoking sound like what the fuck. But then again, you're in Jersey, the seventh wonder of the world. Don't get me wrong.

I love living here. I love the Otis, you know, when you get used to all that shit on the surface. I remember one time we stayed in the city and we had to do a UFC somewhere like in Philly or something. We were doing a show. So then Brogan goes, let's just go to Philly and we got on route three and I showed him my grandma's school. And if you keep going, I'll never forget this. There was like intersea caucus. We got stuck in traffic and there was like a puddle and a thing and it had algae growing and I go, Joe and Ari were in the cargo. You see that puddle? That's cancer. That's what that is over the years. They've just dumped and dumped and dumped. Listen, we can talk about this for fucking hours, but guys, if you get it's going to become a national story soon. It hasn't caught wind yet. I mean, they talk about it every night on the news here locally about the school, the tumors,

but that's fucking insane. Anyway, who gives a fuck about tumors? It was a great weekend. It was a great week. We gave you guys a couple of in-house guests. I'm really happy that COVID is gone and now I can see the light a little bit with some guests. People are in scared. I got some other guests coming in studio. I got some great zooms. We're becoming like a hybrid podcast. It's either solo, zoom or fucking in-house guests and in time we'll spread this out a little more and get this more feasible. Every week I look at the fucking online. Somebody sent me, my realtor sent me something to look for like an office. The lady who sold me the house is always like sending me shit every week. There's nothing. It's, you know, I was, a friend of mine suggested he was thinking of moving into the area. And I just said, you know what? I'll take a look. I'm not good at looking for apartments and all that stuff.

But I went on that dog, they're charging all the dough for rents. I mean, the money situation is getting wild. It's funny. Saturday night, I'm watching, you know, I bet olivera after the fucking thing. You know, you're not going to make any money on olivera. It's just to tell people you bet olivera. The money was on Gagey and I bet olivera and I, you know, I didn't know what he was going to do. Gagey has been talking a big game for a while now. You know, beside that, Gagey can hit hard in a fucking truck. You know, once he starts going, when he starts going, the thing about, I'm a fan of Gagey's, but Gagey either beats the living shit out of you or he just looks like a bus hit him like after a fight because he puts everything in there. You know, that was one of the most exciting fights I've fucking seen in years.

I didn't even care if I lost. Listen, I watched those fights. I bet $10 sometimes just to watch the fight to cheer for somebody. Last week, I started betting totals. Like I bet the total on the Rosemar, the most boring fight in the fucking world. I got no disrespect for those two girls at all. Their coaches would tell them to fight a strategic fight, to wait for the booze, to be patient. And everybody was crucifying them. Listen, it happens. Not all fights could be fucking, you know, super unknown. But the Charles Oliver fight was fucking tremendous. And I got on Twitter and I'm like fucking, you know, Charles Oliver. Just give them back the belt. See, they did that thing with the half a fucking pound. That kid's a straight as a fucking arrow. And then they made him test the scale again. Then people started fucking, fighters started calling him up, going, Charles, what the fuck? That scale is defective and data.

You guys see when he does these little moves like that, what he's trying to do. He's trying to make fucking room for our boy. But I got to tell you something. After those fights, Saturday night, I'm a kind of fan. I respect his power. I respect what he's done in the game. But guys, I don't see him coming back against those three, either Chandler, either Olivera or Gagey, for that matter. I mean, I don't know what's going on with Tony O'Cacooey. My, you know, my fucking, the best to him. I see Olivera put out his hand to help him train. Cacooey's got a lot of talent somewhere in there. Sometimes in your career, sometimes in life, the doggy go blank. You can't be fucking great every day. You can't be Superman every day.

Once you realize that, don't make your life a lot fucking easier. You can't be Superman every day. So I hope he gets it together. But the interesting thing happened. I put Olivera, give him back the fucking belt. And then I put something on there about, I go kind of, because every fucking fight, every time there's a fucking fight, I got to wake up on Sunday to, to, to Conor McGregor fucking laying into fighters who actually fought the night before, who actually fought the night before. Guys, listen, I took a little hiatus from what I love and what I do. But at the same fucking time, I'm not sitting every Sunday. I don't wake up and go, did you guys go to Segura's show? Did he say the same jokes? Did you guys see Rogan? Yeah, I'm not fucking cheering him away. He's like, cheering him away. They just like, he fucking opened up on Gagey Sunday.

Like Gagey needs that, that he got beat up. So I just put Paul McGregor's at home shadow boxing, you know, and I just put it out. And the next morning I wake up, people like Conor McGregor fucking replied to you, all this shit people. He's mad at, he's not mad at me. It's a fucking joke. Yeah, he replied of a car going on to a speedboat, you know, and I loved it. I must have got fucking 200 more followers. Just from Conor McGregor tweeting you back. I mean, it's, it's insane, you know. And it's so funny, you get the cliche things, you know, from some of his lovers, like, he's at home with a lot of money, you know, guys, I'm really happy that there's still people that think this way. Guys, I know 10 depressed millionaires. I know 10 depressed millionaires in real life. I know 10 millionaires right now that are losing their fucking minds. I could say who they are. And you could just go on Instagram and look for yourself.

But money does not buy you happiness. You know, I cheer for my guys that are out in the road. I speak to Ari every week. I talk to Bert. I talk to Tom. I talk to my friends. I talk to Eric Roach. I talk to Di Agostino. I call them up to congratulate them on the Netflix as a joke festival. I try to bring up these guys. I'm not, I don't call people just to blow smoke in their ass. If I like you and I think you're doing something, I fucking try to bring you up, you know. And that's, that's my world for it. I got nothing against Conor, you know. I know it must be tough for him to watch these guys flourish and grow. You know, he's at home lifting weights, but he's not on the mat or maybe he's hitting pads.

I don't know. He's got to be doing something because he's fighting in July. He's got to pick an opponent. Something's got to go down, but I didn't mean, mean it. No disrespect. But it got to let me know about how people feel out there where it comes to like you guys. And listen, don't feel bad. I was the same thing. I always thought that money bought you everything. Like I, in our minds, we are built as Americans. I think as Americans, I know for sure, but as Americans, we are raised to believe that money will give us all these fucking things. You know, I can't, I feel so bad for women right now. Women are in a tough situation because it was like, I was talking to a friend of mine. Yeah, they were talking about phones, kids phones. And he's like, how do you control Mercy's phone use?

And I go, there ain't no fucking phone. I go, she gets a play phone on the weekends to play games on. I don't download. And listen, we have a game guy in LA, any game she wants. My wife will call the guy and the guy goes, she can't download that. It's not good. So we got to lead on all that shit. I, a couple months ago, I went to dinner and I noticed that my wife, my daughter didn't lift her head up on time. And I told my wife when we got home tomorrow morning, the phone gets yanked. No more restaurants. None of that shit. Because you really got to watch. Got to watch all that shit, you know. But I feel, my buddy said to me, I had to give my daughter a phone because she's got friends. And her friends got a phone and the kid feels bad. It's like, so I go, oh, it's like us growing up with bad sneakers.

Like when I was growing up, if you were a fucking shop right sneakers, you got rocks thrown at you. Every day you see two kids running, the little tranny kid and the little kid with cheap sneakers because people throwing rocks at him and shit. You know what I'm saying? It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. When I was growing up, if you didn't have the right shoes, oh boy, would they lay into you. If your sneakers slip and slide, take them back to Panty Pride. That type of shit. Like kids will say that she in class. I think one time my mom got me like wrong Keds. Like I asked her for Pro Keds and like, and this is fucking second grade in New York City, 1960 fucking nine. My mom got me Keds instead of Pro Keds. Oh my God. You thought I killed somebody.

How much they taught you? They chased me home. They threw things at me. You had to work Pro Keds or fucking Chuck Taylor's. That was it. If you don't have those two, you got tormented. You wouldn't even wear sneakers because you knew you just wore combat boots because you knew they're going to talk. There were kids, there were so many kids that wore fucking tap dancing shoes at gym because they got tortured. You can't, nah, nah, nah, and don't even think of wearing colored socks. They got to be white, dog. Don't come in here. No, don't come in here with your black socks.

That's like if you go to the cop, like if the cop says to you, why'd you mug them? You had black socks on. I get it. I would have mugged them too, you know. I grew up in the 70s. If you had black socks on with sneakers, take it to the side. Let's have a talk. Are you retarded or what? Oh my God. Like the ones our dads used to wear. I used to go to my friend's house and the dads would have boxer shorts to the fucking leg above the knee and then the sock, an inch under it. Like, where the fuck are you going with that? And now I know they're like, I tried the socks, the blood pressure socks.

I didn't fucking know back then. I'm like, why does he have your father? Why does he got socks through his knees? I don't know. He's retarded. I leave him alone. It's so weird how people really think that money buys you fucking happiness. Like it really doesn't. It helps out. I'm not going to tell you it doesn't help out. But if you think you're going to feel better, like if you lost a mom, do you think you feel better if you bought a $50,000 car? See, you see what I'm saying here? Nothing replaces that. You think if your child gets hurt or something like that, you think by going and buying a gold bracelet, it's going to make it better. You know, the only thing I like about money is one fucking thing.

If you're a woman, you got two choices in life. You could suck dick in a one bedroom apartment. You could suck dick in a mansion. That's up to you. I heard that years ago. I don't even know what I'm saying. But it's fucking made sense to me back then. But you think about it, guys, all these guys you see with money, Elon Musk, all these guys, I hope you don't think that they wake up in the morning and they got fucking, they're walking on clouds. They got shitty lives just like us, guys. And sometimes those lives are shittier because they can't come out and really say what's going on with them.

What if Elon Musk got a one inch dick? Why have $44 million if you got a one inch dick? You ever think about that? So don't ever wake up in the morning thinking, oh, he's got it better than me. Look at women, women, every woman in America, if you're young, has been influenced by the Kardashians in some way. More importantly, Kim, you know, she's got the world by the ball. She dates music artists. She hangs out with this guy, that guy, the other guy. It's pretty fucking impressive if you're a young girl. You want to grow up to be like fucking Kim.

So what do you do? Have a fucking sex tape? Did you see what happened last week? The sex tape was a fucking fix. The mom orchestrated it. I mean, come on. Like I told you guys a long time ago, the California family bond is non-existent. It's just bullshit. It's just a family to have a family when your own mom pimps you out. That's how she became a star with a fucking porn on tape. But anyway, it's not here or there. We're talking about the happiness money brings you.

And even Kim Kardashian, she's a fucking gazillionaire. She's had what, four weddings already? Four marriages already? Where's the happiness? Now she's on to another guy. How long will that last? He's another Hollywood guy. I got nothing against Pete, but think about it. Happiness is having a husband, a loving husband who loves you no matter what, is having a great fucking wife. That's happiness. Happiness isn't fucking, but money can't buy you that. But we as Americans always go, well, if I had fucking money, this would be different. Guys, I know 200 fucking millionaires and a hundred of them don't know what to do.

How did they become millionaires? Who knows? Families, some of them fucking worked. Who the fuck knows? But you know, you see them and it's not the answers to their fucking problems. They think it is. Listen, Joey, why did you rob the guy? Because he had two kilos of coke. It was going to give me the head bump I've been waiting for. I was 27 years old, 26 years old, whatever the fuck I was. And I needed a little bump to get ahead. Now, I always knew that even with the bump, I would snort the bump. You know what I'm saying? Like, if Mike came to me tomorrow, he's like, Joey, I'm 22.

I'm in a fucking pinch. I'm going to get out of my mother's house. If I give him 15, then he goes and snorts it. You know what I'm saying? I can't help him. So I was in the same boat. I was always looking. You know, I always thought that having a testarosa would get you women and having all... Guys, it doesn't do shit for you. I snort first hand in LA. I went to houses that would blow you to fuck out of the water. And these guys did not know what to do with it. In fact, it makes it worse. It makes it worse. And I'll tell you who I was around for a long time.

And he showed me that money didn't buy happiness. And his name was Ralphie Mae. Ralphie Mae bumped into money. God rest his soul. Mother fucker went off the rails in a great way. I mean, in a great... I was thinking about this the other day. I remember when he first hit. Like, he went on the road for like six weeks. I didn't see him. And he would call me and tell me stories about how much they were paying him and how much he was laughing in their faces and shit. Because these guys wouldn't pay him. They didn't respect him as a fat fuck.

You know, for Ralphie, he was always embarrassed of being from Arkansas. Like he grew up dirt poor. People grew up dirt poor. They grew up with a fucking chip on their back. People grew up dirt poor. I'm talking about dirt poor. They grew up with a chip in their back. You can't take that memory away from that. That memory burns in your fucking soul. It burns. Trust me. I have other memories that burn in my soul. But being poor, I know people who have been poor. And when you talk to them, like my uncle and my mom, they were poor in Cuba.

When my mom used to tell me stories, I didn't believe them. My uncle confirmed them. They were poor. They were nine fucking kids in a little apartment in the house, in the living room. There weren't even enough blankets for them. They'd have to share fucking blankets at night. And every night, they didn't have air conditioner. I had to sleep at the window open. Soak a carrying bugs, would land on them. A carrying bugs, the ones that make the noises. I'm not saying it right. You know, I'm not a fucking scientist. Something cicada, something was landing on them making noises. It was horrible. My uncle, you said my uncle, for an hour, eat lunch with him

and he'll tell you stories of poverty that you can't fucking believe people went through. But when he told me all that, it explained my mother's spending. It explained my mother's way of life and explained to me why she was like that. She never wanted to be in that position ever again. Once you're poor and you get out, those motherfuckers become counterfeiters. They start printing money. They do. They really do start printing fucking money because they don't ever want to be in that position again. And Ralphie was one of those guys. But Ralphie also drug in a certain sadness.

He didn't grow up only poor. He grew up fucking fat. So they were blowing him up because he was fat and because he was poor. I mean, Ralphie was dirt fucking poor. And guys, when he got an envelope, he went off the fucking rails. I loved it because I like to see people happy like that. But then as the years progressed, I could tell when he would come get me on Mondays, when he would come back. We would talk, man. We would talk the way two real people talk. Not a comic Ralphie. It was just him telling me about what was happening out there

and the sadnesses he had. And even after all that money, yes, it was a band-aid for about two years and helped him forget his past for about two years. But guess what? That past is always with you. When I look in the mirror, when I go to the bathroom and when I take a piss, I look in the mirror, I go, boy, you're getting ugly. But I also see that there's a past there. It pops up from time to time and it bothers you and aggravates you. Whatever the fuck it does, it motivates you. For me, it motivates me.

A friend of mine is going through a tough patch. He's getting a lot of anxiety the way I was getting it, so he reached out. And I had to break things down for him and what. Like he goes, when you started reaching, were you going to be a star? And I go, no. I was very ashamed that I had done time. I still am. That's why I always make jokes about it because that's like the other day when I go, it's my mother's anniversary in hell and some people gave me shit for that.

Listen, when it comes to painful things, you always have to throw some joke in there to fucking relieve the pain. It's like when you get whipped with a belt, it doesn't hurt you when you hit with a belt. It hurts you a couple minutes later when it starts to swell up. If you put the cream on it real fucking quick, it doesn't start to swell up. That's what we try to do, you know? But I saw Ralphie how sad he was at the end. Like I always tell people, Doug Ralphie at the end died of a broken heart.

And all the money in the world couldn't mend that. So to the people who were saying, you know, it was like two or three people that said, at least he drove to the game tonight. He drove to whatever, all the money he has. If you went to McGregor and took the whiskey away and go, let me talk to your man-to-man, what would you rather have, the $100 million? What would you rather be in that car tonight with Michael Chandler and fucking Oliver doing your thing and smacking bitches?

You'd be surprised to what he fucking said. If he was really being heartfelt and honest and everybody wants to be in the big fucking arena, nobody wants to be down. For me, I wanted to get the fuck out of the light. I didn't give a fuck. My wife asked me, I said, are you going through this? And they go, not at all. I want to dissipate from that.

You know, I want to move away from there. But that doesn't give me the right to wake up on Sunday mornings and go, who went to see fucking George Perez last night in Indiana? You got beat. You had to smooth bad performance. I never did that. I never did that at all. I wouldn't even think of doing that.

If anything, I call these these guys. Hey, listen, when you're a comic, you're fucking like the other talks. I used to have a Ralphie one Saturday mornings. That's why every Saturday morning about 1030, I was looking when I look at the phone. I think about Ralphie every Saturday, every Saturday. Ralphie pops back into my life as a reminder that that was our little personal time. He probably go to bed at two or three. He probably eat like two boxes of those jalapeno puppies he liked.

He would go to bed at two or three. And when he first got up at seven, the fart or the fucking pee after he finished, he called me, asked me how I was doing what my struggles were. And we just chit-chat, but dog and none of those struggles was. Did he say after this weekend, I pick up $50,000. I'm not going to be depressed about this anymore. None at all. He still had the daily, every day struggles.

And it was because of Ralphie by watching Ralphie. I slowed down my pace for the quest of being greedy and all that shit. And I like, cause I didn't want all that stuff to get in my way and to kill me. There's no, listen, there's no reason to lose your life like that. He was heavy. He wasn't healthy and they put him out there and for years I kept sending him down going Ralphie. But that eating, that's pain guys. When you keep eating like that, that's pain.

How do I know? Cause I was there. I was fucking there. In 2007, when I got clean and a year later when I went to Weight Watches, I didn't do all that shit because I wanted to be Johnny Banana's. I did that shit because the pain was gone. The pain I had endured all those years early had been fucking gone. So it was, the pain had, how do you say lessened? What's dissipated?

That's the word I'm looking for. Thank God I got my man Mike here cause I easily forget. My man Chris Camosi, who's a fucking savage. I love this guy. Always putting out fucking self defense videos. Call me a few weeks ago and he goes, Joey, I want to send you something. Let me know what you think. Guys, everybody sends me something and they gotta let them know what I think and then I gotta be embarrassed.

Doug, you sent me this fifth of life. I'm going to give you a couple of take home. The fucking orange cream. Holy shit. Zero motherfucking calories. BCA's protein. This is the fucking future. He's not my sponsor.

I'm just trying to tell you what's a good fucking product. If you see it somewhere, give it a try. I think he sent me lemon lime and the orange cream. I had not tried the lemon lime, but I've had about six of these motherfucking orange creams. And I tell you what really got me going on this today was I've been doing podcasts. Felicia, 10 years, right? Yeah. After every podcast, somebody has something to say to you.

They agree with you. Maybe they disagree with you, whatever. You know, you get a couple per podcast, but in all my 10 years of podcasting, I never got as many emails as I did in all the fucking forums. From fucking Facebook to Twitter. A couple of people hotmailed me. A couple of people messaged me. It was overwhelming about the fucking talk we had about finances. But me and Lee that day, guys, it was fucking overwhelming.

Like, all right, and I got 10 emails on the subject. Joey, we like that. Don't mix it in with something else. Are you really going to the lab factory? Are you going to be, you know, it's always something. No, these were people going dog. We're happy you fucking talked about that. I've been banging my head off the wall.

I can't sleep. And that's why I told people thinking about all that shit destroys you, destroys you, destroys you. I know it destroyed me when I was younger. When I would, a lot of people don't remember and I've said this for years is that fucking I had ulcers when I was 20. And those ulcers were not caused from pain. Those ulcers were caused about my future. I was one of those jerks. Okay.

You know, everybody has a different fucking weakness. I was one of those guys. I had nothing going to fuck on, but I always thought about my future. And I remember the specific point. What happened was I gave up a job, making 140 a day as a bookmaker, 140 plus. That's when the job started. Some days I take 220 home and tips. Some days I took 180, but it was always 140, seven days a week.

Listen, even in these times, that's not a bad fucking job for a 20 year old man, a kid, a fucking moron. So I would meet them in Seacaucus at the Howard Johnson's because these tabs salt water taffy. We get two eggs, bacon. The whole fucking works. And then me and the guys would drive, get some salt water taffy. We get in the fucking root three. We drive to 118th Street and 3rd Avenue. We'd open up our little fucking bodega.

And right there we'd start slinging fucking numbers. People would come in and then I have to go to different locations to pick up money. I had a great job guys. And when I got out of work, I was right there. I had to walk three blocks over here to pick up a g-bow, a powder, and I had to walk two blocks over there to get a fucking 20 hour bag of tieweed. I was in my fucking glory. I knew that if you know anything about me or if I know anything about you motherfuckers, you're not going to look for another job when you have those type of jobs. And pretty soon you're going to be there five years.

Pretty soon you're going to be there 10 years. And then when you're there 10 years, when you're 31 years old, there's going to be a fucking raid. And now you're going to have bookmaking on your fucking resume, which is a misdemeanor in New York. No big fucking deal. But now you're going to go to Ralph's, or you're going to go to Costco, or you're going to go to Shopbrite, or you're going to go to any corporation that apply for a job, and they're going to go, where have you been for the last 10 years? So tell me about your job. What are you going to say?

I've been marketing numbers. What are you going to say? So I knew that wasn't going to work for me. I thank God at that age, I had figured that the fuck out. That someday I'm 31, that's not going to happen in 10 years from now. But all that thinking used to make me bleed out of my asshole. Let's just get to that shit. That's how bad my fucking also was.

When you have blood coming out of your ass, you're thinking too fucking much. So that's the point I was. That's why I want to let you youngsters know, don't fucking think, do. Because when you think about your future, how are you going to buy a house? How are you going to buy a car? How are you going to keep this woman happy? She wants diamonds, and you want to keep eating her ass. It tastes like flowers.

But you know, it costs you 800 a week just to have this fucking torture chamber around. And you got a fucking function as a man. You don't want to drive a $200 fucking car everywhere. That's good when you're 18. You're delivering fucking, you know, whatever the fuck can't cut. So whatever the fuck you're delivering nowadays. You can make a fucking 80,000 a year now delivering cars. You don't need any fucking skills.

And I ain't mad at you. I mean, listen, if this was 40 years ago and I didn't want to do stand up, I'd be. I was delivering Chinese food. What the fuck are we talking about? I delivered Chinese food and so cope for years. And the nights I was off from there, I would double a Domino's because they were giving me like 15 a mile. They were open late. They were open late.

You dealt with college kids. They gave you a reefer for whatever, but that's not the fucking point. So I got a fucking also when I was 20. I'll never forget. I quit that job and maybe a year later. I'm a snow mass village and I'm in this fucking 60 year old doctor. And he's fucking feeling my stomach. He took x-rays.

He made me drink this green shit. And he goes, you got an awesome man. You got to stop thinking. And I go, what are you thinking about? What the fuck are you thinking about? Doc, I'm 20. I got no high school diploma. I got no high school college education.

I got nothing going on. What the fuck am I going to do with my life? And he's like, just stop thinking, write a plan and pace it the fuck out. You know, the only people ask me like, how do you buy a house? Guys, this is my first house. I wasn't eligible to buy a house. They wouldn't throw them. If they do a background check, don't they?

They'd look at a house. They would have said, come here. What are you looking at a house for? You need a shack, Chubby. You don't need a fucking house. Or you got no credit. But I know that my wife is a very good saver. And we made a plan to put away money for the future.

And it was a certain amount. And then I realized that I couldn't do anything with the other amount she gave me. So I donated that too. I go, I'm just living off the fucking flights. For a long time, when you book a plane ticket through a comedy club, they'll give you like $700 for a plane ticket, $500 for a plane ticket. You don't know that I was living off those $500 that asked me, do you want your plane ticket involved in your cash?

And I go, no, give me the plane ticket cash and keep the... I was living off that plane ticket. That's how I paid for gas. I went on the road. If I got like $1,200 in cash, that's how I lived the month. It's not that we're going out every night or anything like that. I like to eat good and stuff like that. But I don't want to be in a restaurant every night.

I'm not one of those guys. Even for my daughter's comedian party. I told my wife, I do not want to be in a restaurant at 12 o'clock in a catering hall. We're doing it in the fucking yard. And thank God it was two weeks ago and it was sunny and the birds were chirping. Last weekend, we got... I thought I was fucking over. I thought I was Noah.

It rained here so fucking much. I went out that tidal one day. It was three inches in my garbage can. I'm like, Jesus, it fucking rains in Jersey. But the main thing is just get a plan together. You know, listen, I was dead serious when Lee was here. I saw something that these companies are coming in and buying all these houses, $100,000 over fucking whatever just to get them off them.

They don't even care what their houses look like. They're buying these houses unseen. So I'm going to tell you something guys. You got maybe, honestly, I mean, I studied economics in college, but I'm not an economist. You guys got about three years to buy a house. Three, four years. Interest rates are going up, you know, unless you got a ton of money,

they're not going to let you buy a house. That's not by coincidence, guys. That's by design. They don't want you to own anything. They want all you guys that are coming up now not to own a fucking thing. But you're going to dazzle them. You're going to start buying fucking land. I don't give a fuck what you do.

There's a piece of property around the corner there. I called the guy two weeks ago just to see what it is. Like they said in the Sopranos, God ain't making any more land. There's a fucking shitty house by the rec center I saw the other day for sale by owner. Get forward with some buy it, tear that fucking house down and just it's like, that's a real investment. That's a real investment. I wouldn't mind having a piece of fucking land.

That's a real fucking investment. You don't get it surveyed. Make sure you can build on it. Make sure there's not a wildlife reserve. Yeah, you got about three or four years to buy something and you could buy anything. I'm suggesting right now buy anything you can. I don't care what it even looks like. I don't even care what it looks like.

If you're young right now, guys, I would be fucking putting money away. Is this something that I did? I invested in cocaine. I was a fucking moron. You guys have a chance to invest and get yourself out of this. Listen, guys, there was nothing more scary to me than getting old. There was nothing scary to me when I knew that I couldn't use my back anymore to make a living. I mean, if my daughter was starving and my wife couldn't get a job,

I'd have to go out and fucking build a wall or be a laborer for a concrete company and stuff like that. Do you really think I could do that at 59? Well, I hope you fucking got confidence in me because I don't. Carrying wheelbarrows and shit and cat. My buddy's putting roof around the corner. I went over there Sunday and just tried to climb on the ladder a little bit. I'm like, whoa, it's a different fucking world. Well, guess what, guys, the last 10 years I prepared for this.

But before then, I used to sit there and watch all these retirement commercials. You ever see like, you know, you have enough to retire and I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And I would just go, I hope when I'm fucking like 55, I just punched a ticket because this is never going to happen in my life. Thank God it did. Thank God I have a good wife that we decided to put away money. You know, I fucking hated putting money away. I hated it. And it was the best advice given to me.

Guys, when I was a kid, you could walk into a bank and start a Christmas club. Do you know I read something about a year ago about a guy in New York that took all his Christmas clubs from like 15 years, put them together and bought like property. And they just, I forget the name of the property I was built on. The guy was a multimillionaire when he was 30 years old because he saved all those Christmas clubs. I don't even think banks do Christmas clubs. You walk into a fucking bank, you go, listen, I want to start a Christmas club. How much do you want to put away a week, 20? Not a bad Christmas club at the end of the year.

And they mail you a check on the 20th. You tell them, can I get my check on the 20th? You would run that through a bank and every year they would get, I know I'm talking about it. Joey, ask me, how many fucking Christmas clubs did you do? One, because then I took the money out after I hit 30 bucks for a fucking toy or something. Because I like to spend all my money. I was one of those idiots. I didn't stop until the last penny was gone.

And then I go, where's the money at? But as you get old and you see how people live in LA, you know, I know people in LA that don't make that much money, but they got full fucking heavy duty cars. Somebody's got to make those fucking car payments. You know, so I don't want to, I don't want to, the fight club makes a lot of sense. You don't want the things you own to own you. It gets to a point in your life where you're just going to work to pay off the boat, the car, the TV, the mistress, the mistress's kid, the drummer from this band. You know, you have all this. And right now, guys, if you're young 24, 25, I mean, listen, when I was 24 and 25, I didn't look at anything.

But times are changing, guys. And if you really want to make a stake in this fucking world, in this fucking life right now early, because by the time you're 40, like me, like when I woke up out of my cocaine coma, at least I woke up out of that coma and caught the last 10 years of a life and I tried to salvage something. I really did try to salvage something. That's what I did. And I did okay. But you know what? That's not good enough anymore.

That's not good enough anymore, guys. You can't live the way I did. It's a different time in this world. You know, Mike's got to be putting money away for his children. Mike works fucking weddings on Saturday. I know that money is not to fucking go to strip clubs. You know, it's for weddings and fucking this and that. You know, you always spend, Michael tell you, we're always spending.

Two kids, two kids, two kids. Listen, there ain't enough money in the world when you got two kids. Okay, there ain't enough money in the fucking world. So having a family now, owning a home, doing all these things is a different fucking world. So if you're in college right now, if you're 22, listen, if I met you 20 years ago and you were 22 and you go uncle Joey, what's the best advice I'd give you? I'd be like Tom Hanks, don't get the clap. What does that mean?

Sling dick, get a job, get high, do whatever the fuck you want. I wouldn't give you that advice anymore. I give you the advice to approach everything with caution and get two jobs, whatever, until you get your fucking hustle going, whatever it could be, house painting, your own thing. You know what I'm saying? Like that second job you have at night from five to eight, that money is all banking. That's all going into the bank to help you get your fucking dream going, whatever that fucking dream may be. So you sit down, you go to yourself, how much is it going to cost me to get this fucking thing started off the ground

without a $38,000 headquarters? You know what I'm saying? Let's be honest here. Don't come to me and say, Joey, we're looking for investors. Me and my friends want to put together a Spanish Grateful Dead Band. We need about $30,000 to record the first album. We really wanted to have a sound, so we wanted to be in the Bahamas. Really?

So you're looking for donations to send you to the fucking Bahamas. Let's do this. Why don't we cut the Bahamas out and we shoot in fucking Newark, New Jersey, and I'll get a couple of Bahamians to come over and cook and fucking play bongos, and you could feel that vibe. I'll get them in for, you know, at 25 an hour, I'll get them in for two hours a day just to help you with that vibe. But why are you figuring out $20,000 to recording an album in the studio on Island when you're putting a GoFundMe page together? You're looking for fucking investors.

That's my, I raised my hand right there. So if you're looking to start a business and you're telling me, well, Joey, we need a fucking corporate office. I need 80,000 square feet. Listen, take that dream, get a needle and pop it like my stomach, like Mitzi sure used to pop my stomach. It's never got a pant out for you. Let's start small here. Let's start small here. You see this podcast studio?

When I came here, it was COVID. It was COVID. People were fucking dying. Don't touch me. Everybody was walking around like a fucking vampire. I really wanted to go to Asbury Park. At that time when I got here, John around the corner had a little office in Asbury Park on the second floor. I'm like, what am I going to get an office for?

Ain't nobody going to come to an Asbury Park. Ain't nobody going to fucking come to it right then and now. So what did you want me to do? Fucking just go out and rent a huge studio and lights and three staff members. Yeah, that's great. But I'm an econ major bitch. You know what I'm saying? The numbers don't add up.

What's coming in is less than what's going out. So let's figure it to go in and less that's going to fuck out. So we started here. A couple more guests in here. COVID clears up for the summer. You know I'm going to be looking for it. Even if I turn that fucking garage into a fucking studio with air conditioning. I want something a little bigger and shit like that.

But that's what I'm talking about. You know, start small. Make a website. Make a website. Learn about what the fuck you're doing in your business. I mean, listen, I'm not an investor. I would love to tell you, you know, invest in Amazon, you know, buy Netflix. I don't know anything.

I know what you want me to tell you what I know. I know hard work. I don't put your money away. I know making goals. I mean, figment the fuck out. You know, when I was in debt all those years, you know, you know what? I always crack this joke, but it's a true story. When I was doing cocaine, I'd become a mathematician.

I don't know what it was about cocaine towards the end. I would sit there and write fucking pages of math. Like how long is it going to get to me? If I make 200 a week, how long would it get me to get out of this debt? Like I was one of those idiots. What if I pay 400 a week? Even though I knew I couldn't pay 400 a week in my head, but I opened up my mind to that. So there were certain weeks when, yeah, Joey snored a coke with three hands,

but Joey also had to make those payments. If you look at my credit today, guys, I should have gone belly up in 93, but I disappeared. I went and got a pager, the credit call stopped. Nobody was looking for me and it took about eight or nine years of me not. I had one credit card. If I spent the dollar, I'd have to pay 250 on it. You know what I'm saying? If I bought, if I took my wife to a restaurant and spent 250, if my limit was 500,

I'd get a call in three weeks that my limit was 500 because my thing would double that high on interest. Because I had no credit. Don't fuck your credit up. Yeah, you could salvage it, but you got to live like a mutt for 11 years. And when you go to a hotel, you got no credit card to check in. So you got to check in with a fucking payable Visa card from Costco. They got to load up. No, don't fuck up your credit and those fucking school loans, bitch.

Let me tell you something. I beat them for 2625. I thought I beat those motherfuckers for 2625. The first time I put $2,000 in my bank account, that shit went right to Washington DC and they contacted me immediately. Uncle Joey Yo was 2625 plus interest. I had a higher attorney to knock the points off because there had been a loan from 1990. Yeah, guys, the federal government don't go away. They're like the IRS.

How do you think all these motherfuckers end up in jail? They go to those comic cons and they take those dollar bills for those autographs. And there's a motherfucker over there with sunglasses that you think is blind. He's watching. He's like, there's Mike signing autographs at 10 apiece. There goes one, two. Two weeks later, you're at home jumping up and down. I'm going to Comic Con Hawaii.

Bling. It's the government. We saw you in Comic Con Minneapolis pocketing $3,000. Where's our fucking money? And you did $15,000 last year. So we're just going to assume you made $3,000 on those motherfuckers. So fan over that $45,000. And then you're like, whoa, dog, pay your fucking bills.

So you don't have to live like a fucking mutt like I did for 10 years under the radar with a pager. I don't know about the taxes. They take time to catch up with you, but they will. I'm only kidding. Pay your fucking taxes, cocksuckers. But let me tell you something. Again, there's something that happened to me that I did not know. Why did I know that?

Because for life, everybody scares the fuck out of you. I think this life, I knew for me, everybody, all my life tried to scare the fuck out of me. And it's not until you fucking go, you know what? I'm not scared no more. And then you're like, why did these motherfuckers scare me for? This wasn't shit. Motherfuckers have been scaring me all my fucking life. What are we talking about?

About taxes. When I started Comic Con, I got divorced in 1991. I got a fucking, what do you call those W-9s? I got a W-9 for a lot of money. And I was sitting in front of the tax paperwork. And I'm like, ooh, this just came in the mail. If I just send this in, I'm going to check for about 800. But if I send this in with the check, I'm going to owe my life.

I don't have fucking $8,000, $9,000. So I took the sheet of paper and I ripped it up. And I threw it away and I sent the taxes. And guess what? They actually sent me my little 800. And I cashed a dog fast and a rap dog. I basically took it out of the mailman's hand and ran to that fucking bank and bowl and I cashed it. Because I thought they were going to get me on that 60 Gs, 70 Gs.

I just said, fuck it. And guys, let me tell you something. My credit went sour. It broke my heart. I think I cried for a month straight. I was disgusted. People had given me credit and I had spit in their face. I felt fucking horrible.

So I would send 40s and 60s, but you're never going to catch up. You're never going to get it. You know, it's like EnVogue. You're never going to get it. You're never going to fucking catch up. And you're petrified. And I just didn't pay fucking. So guys, I stopped paying taxes from 1990.

I didn't pay a dime. I just hit on the ground till 2001. I met Terry in 2000 and Terry asked me if I was doing taxes. We were together about nine months and I'm like, taxes, fuck that. And she's like, dog, her head almost blew up. She's like, Joe, you got to do your taxes. I'm like, I'm not doing shit. And the first year I didn't do it.

And she was a little upset. And then like 2001, she's like, Joe, you got to take care because I owed the government. I owe child support. I was a fucking mess. And Terry's like, I just want you to narrow this life down. I just want you to narrow it down. So we know where we're at. I go, I don't want to know where I'm at.

I'm not going to be able to fucking pay this. And we went at it for a couple of fucking days and finally won that quality IRS. And I said, I'd like to set up an appointment. Guys, I got to tell you something. I took the best shower I ever took before I went to the IRS meeting. I shaved my ass whole. I looted it because I didn't think I was going to come back. And I got no reason to lie to you guys.

I thought they were luring me in like, yeah, we'd love to see you. Come on down and talk about your tax problems. I'm like, I'm going to go down there and they're going to fucking just keep me. I got high. I put fucking a joint in my underwear. I mean, I was betrified. I walked down and bro, they do everything to rub your fucking feet at the IRS office. Dog, they just want you to go down and take care of it.

Please guys, if you owe the IRS, listen, they're not going away. It's not like Joe the bookie. He's not going to jail. It's not like your uncle Pete. He's a fucking cancer victim. This these motherfuckers, these motherfuckers do not go away. Go down there. Talk to them.

Go up there with an empty, with an empty fucking open up with an open heart. What do you mean an empty heart? Go up there with empty pockets and an open heart and just tell them your situation. When that woman looked at me and said, it's going to be 150 a month for three years. And I looked around that room. I'm like, this has to be like a fucking camera. Like this is how guys, I didn't pay taxes for 10 fucking years. She looked me in the face and she goes, can you pay 150 a month for three months with that?

Three years. What for three years? She goes, would that put you out too much? And I go, listen, $10 a month to put me out. I like snorting. You know what I'm saying? But if it means not going to jail in 20 years and not having any beefs with you, because when they come looking for you guys, they come, they come.

You go to your bank account. You take your girlfriend out to dinner. You're speaking Italian and shit. Oh yeah. It's come on. And also you put that ATM down that way. I came up fucking empty. You're like, it's impossible.

You know, I just put $2,000 in there. Go to the bank. You got $2 in that bank account. That's what I did. They took it out. They took it from me. They took it from Felipe Spa. They don't fuck around.

So when that lady looked at me, she goes, would 150 a month work for you? Mr. Diaz? And I was like, it'll have to work. Three years. I looked at my wife. Let's do it. I got into paperwork. I didn't miss a fucking payment.

I'm not going to jail for the IRS. I'm not doing it. So please, I know, and you probably think you own thousands. Listen, I didn't pay taxes for 10. And I had two big years in the sports betting industry and the roofing industry. So they only, they only go back seven. They only go back seven. So even if you didn't pay taxes 15 years, they only go back seven guys.

They go in those years. So don't lie to them about those last seven years. Don't tell me to make any money. And I'll tell you, man, it took the fucking, it opened me up. Like you, you think about things that you do that make you successful or that put you on the right path. I got to tell you something, paying your bills, put you on the right path. There was two payments that were hanging on my head, the IRS and child support. I didn't know a lot in child support, but towards the end I was getting charged.

They wanted $14,000. They kept coming at me saying, we want $14,000, $14,000. And I'm like, I can't feel a lot of money. My wife went and took all the money orders and we added it up and we're like, we owe you $14,000. And then I actually called LA and I like, look, ready for this story guys? I called LA and I was like, come on down and give us 60. The Colorado bill had became the California bill. California, so scumbags, they took a $1,400 loan and build it at $60,000.

They said, I owed that much. The next morning my wife got up, we were just about to go pay an attorney. My wife got up, she called Colorado. They said, what's $60,000? The guy goes, send me a check for $1,400 and we're out of this. My wife goes, give me your fucking account number. I'll send it right over. That was it.

We called California. We go, you know that 60 we owe you? We owe you $60,000. Why are you doing well? Late fees, $60,000. So you want $58,000 in late fees? Guys, open your eyes, get ready for these. I was like, fuck you, I'm not paying it.

My wife called. They said, we made a mistake. It's always a mistake. And that's it. I'm out of fucking debt. But guys, I was in debt for a long time. So I know it sounds great. All these girls telling you, let's get married.

We'll put on the Visa card. Fuck you. All that shit gets paid for cash and do what you can. But if you go over your head, you're going to be paying that for the rest of your fucking life because you're never going to get ahead. And if you miss two payments, tell them what happens. You make those $3.39 payments, you're done. Then you're never getting out of that fucking hole.

That's why I can't stand fucking credit cards. I got my American Express back. Don't ask me how. Don't ask me how. And I enjoy my American Express. First of all, there's nothing on it. There's nothing on it. And number two, but we pay it every month.

My wife tells me, she makes me force shit on it. Like, put your CVS nicotine. I'm like, why would I put something on there? And she's like, because I get points. I get free playing tickets and all this shit. So just take care of yourself, guys. You know, it's a fucking horrible life to live with bad fucking credit. And I did it for fucking from 90 to 2008.

I had bad credit. Then I got like an ATM card and I got something else and somebody sent me a card. Then I bought a car and that's how we're here today. And then I ended up with the house. So, you know, but your credit guys, once it goes bad, you're fucking dead. So if you don't, I got a friend now, I can't do anything. Never pay this driving tickets. Can't do anything.

Never pay this driving tickets. And those motherfuckers are unforgiving. Never pay this driving tickets from the time he was, you know, 20. You know, and I get it. You're like, fuck, I ain't paying for this shit. How many times I ripped up a ticket until they came to my house to get me one time and put me in the hallway and underwears with a fucking band around my arms. Then I learned to pay my fucking bills.

I love you motherfuckers. Thank you for a little podcast we did today. Just something simple today. Like I said, there's a different type of hybrid. It's one day's a zoom, which I can tell you guys don't like me. The fuck do I sometimes it's a guest in house or sometimes it's just me talking shit to you. I enjoy all three of them. I love doing this shit.

I don't know where I'm going to be this week. Thursday night. I usually do a set last week. Can let me do a set. I'm going to try to find somewhere Thursday night. I'm going to go down with Jimmy to the sixth of game. He's trying to get tickets as we speak against the Miami heat. I haven't been to a fucking pro game in 30 fucking years.

So I'm looking forward to it. But besides that, I love you. Cocksuckers are all my heart. Thank you for watching the joint stay black. And I'll see you cocksuckers Monday morning. Tip top motherfucking magoo. And now for a word from our sponsor Jack. All right, I love you cocksuckers.

I want to thank you for supporting the church for having my back. Mike's Jimmy Schubert this week. We had a great week before I leave. The joint is brought to you by green chef. Green chef is here to help you eat better and feel better every week. Green chef will send you a new recipe. There's 30 meal choices every week. And you could switch plans easily.

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Please visit them. And as usual, I love your cock suckers. And I'll see you Monday morning. Tip top motherfucking. Don't tell no, but I didn't call you. Love you. You