Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #163 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, May 16th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by The Freeze Pipe.…. Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH for 10% OFF! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 16th of May. The joint is brought to you by one of my favorites, Freeze Pipe. Listen, no matter how hot it gets outside, keep your fucking bar nice cold with Freeze Pipe. Let me tell you how it works. The pipe comes with a detachable chamber. You freeze beforehand and when you're ready to fucking see the devil,

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deliver it right to your motherfucking house. Freeze Pipe and Onit. That's the way to go. Let's get this podcast started. Tip top motherfucking Magoo. Come on in. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Because yesterday's it's Monday, the 16th of fucking May. Before I even start talking shit, I want to let the residents in my favorite fucking city, Buffalo know I got your motherfucking back. My heart goes out to the families that fucking neighborhood, which, you know, apparently that was the only supermarket in the neighborhood.

And already this morning, if you guys want to help out Josh Potter, great comedian out of Buffalo posted a link to just send groceries, guys. This ain't going to set you back $2,000. I just sent like 40. You Venmo it to B flow community fridge. Venmo 20 bucks, 10, 5 to B flow community fridge. They're going to deliver food, you know, milk, eggs, Pampers shit like that. You know, I went back and forth with Josh Potter. I called my other brother Steve Chavone. That's my first Buffalo brother. I met Steve Chavone in 19 mother fucking 85, 84 and Aspen.

And, you know, at the time I was dating a girl from Buffalo. You know, people always say how come you like Buffalo so much because I was exposed to Buffalo early on. The second reason I love Buffalo so much is the heart that these fucking people have, you know, over the last 30 years. If you don't know the history, everybody pulled out of that Fisher price. All these big companies left Buffalo on a fucking lurch. And, you know, Rick James died. I mean, Buffalo's been sad since Rick James died. I've been fucking sad since Rick James died, but on the fucking up and up Buffalo's a great city, man. If it wasn't for Buffalo, I would not be doing comedy.

If you really fucking think of that, that's why everybody wants to know why my loyalties to Buffalo, why I don't touch fucking ranch dressing with my wings, why I don't allow it on my fucking table. Because if it wasn't for Buffalo, I would not get on that microphone. A kid from Buffalo said he would kill me if I didn't get on stage when he came out of jail. And this wasn't some fucking jerk or this guy had killed his wife and the male man. So I know he didn't give a fuck about me. So he looked me straight in the eye and he's like, Hey, man, I've never talked to me. I mean, I had a relationship with the guy for like eight months. I would see him every day for after breakfast.

I'd read newspapers in the prison fucking library and we talk about sports and shit. This motherfucker was a genius and he just would talk to me from time to time. Those eight months in that fucking jail or whatever the fuck I was at, let me tell you something, man. My spirits never went down. There's not a chance to go down because I was surrounded with Buffalo people. Tea. I mean, there was so many motherfuckers in that prison in Colorado from Buffalo and they reminded me of who the fuck I was when I got in there. Buffalo people are all heart and fucking balls. That's why you come to my table at ranch. I gotta ask you to leave because the tradition,

I mean, and comedy up there is a different fucking level. When you go up there, it's a mix between Buffalo savages and Canada savages. And I don't know if you've ever done comedy in front of Canada's fucking savages. They do not fuck around. They come over that bridge. You know the way Mexicans sneak over, they sneak over that fucking bridge to Buffalo to laugh, have a good fucking time. You know, so I don't want to bust out over this, but hey, man, my heart goes out to you motherfuckers. And, you know, I'm going to look at other things where we could fucking help out with the Patreon.

But this was one thing I had to do today was just Benvol B flow community fridge and they'll drop off eggs, milk, shit like that. Because this is the only supermarket in that fucking area. So with that said, yeah, I don't know how much longer. In the last year, two of my favorite fucking cities in the world had shootouts. Boulder. Last year at this now, maybe like a year and a half ago, didn't something happen in Boulder supermarket, the supermarket I used to shop, lift fucking seafood kebabs from me and Georgie. We used to go in there. I mean, it was a great supermarket. It was a great fucking neighborhood, South Boulder.

When I saw that that fucking guy went into Boulder, I was like, there's the beginning of the end. Nothing happens in Boulder. Nothing happens in Boulder. This is why when they killed John Brené Ramsey, it was all over the fucking place because nothing happens in fucking Boulder. Sorry, guys, I went for a nice long walk today. A little fit soda never hurt nobody. Chris Camosi called me up. He's like, thank you. It's great. I love this. And he's going to send me some fucking root beer float and a cherry vanilla fucking flavor. But, you know, like I was talking to my brother, Steve, this morning, I called him up just to, you know, he's a buffalo dude. I asked him where he was because he's like one of those snowbirds.

He goes to Florida after the year and he goes to Buffalo and he happened to be in fucking Buffalo. And, you know, I asked him how was the fucking town and shit. And he goes, the only thing that they're really happy about is that the guy wasn't from Buffalo. He was from out of Buffalo, maybe 40 minutes away, an hour away, because if it would have been a Buffalo resident, they would have really fucking been sad. So again, I don't want to keep harping on this shit. I feel bad for that white dude because he shot 11 black people and he shot two white dudes. And I'll tell you what, Buffalo brothers don't fuck around. So he's on protective, protective, protective custody in that jail. Buffalo's got a lot of tough brothers, bro.

Buffalo does not fuck around. And I feel for that fucking guy. But who gives a fuck anyway? Let him get raped in jail. What are we talking about here? You fuck up your fucking diet scope. Like some other guy was saying, well, you know, guys, we're living in a world right now. We're living in a country in America where, you know, crime is up at every fucking aspect. You know, for years, people blame guns like guns, guns, guns, guns, guns. Guys, with all this fucking shooting, you need a gun. You need a fucking gun. I mean, I hate to fucking say it. I know a lot of, a lot of you people are anti gun and whatever. Listen, man, guns don't kill people. People fucking kill people. Obviously, there was something touched, you know, like I told you a couple for the last fucking two years,

I've been telling you that mental health has taken over this fucking world all of a sudden. Everybody's got a fucking people smacking people fucking, you know, it's just out of control. And every day you wake up and you don't, you say to yourself, what am I going to read today? What am I going to read today? About the crime in LA, about the crime in Miami, about the crime. It's, it's a, the guy on Patreon put it best for me. He goes, everybody's talking about shortages of baby milk and diapers and wood. The biggest shortage we have right now is a shortage of love. For some reason, it's just not fucking, it's just not fucking working, you know.

And you want to think about these things, but you don't. You know, what do you do? You live in your fucking house. You can't even go to a supermarket now. I mean, both these shootings, the last year at fucking supermarkets, can you imagine that's a Saturday morning? I just got off the phone with Mike, Mike, what are we doing? Nothing. Get some hot dogs, get some fucking burgers, come over, stop at the liquor store, you know, get some buns. You know, can you imagine just walking into a supermarket just to get some fucking hot dogs? You know, like what were you doing wrong? What the fuck were you doing wrong? You just went in, you said hello to the clerk, somebody asked you about fucking golf or whatever the fuck.

You're like, yeah, I don't play. Yeah, whatever. And all of a sudden, boom, you get shot in the fucking head. How do you explain that? How do you explain to yourself when you're on the fucking floor, asking yourself why they even come here? What the fuck just happened? I just came in for a fucking, because you actually get shot and you fucking think for a few minutes, you know, what the fuck happened. So I don't know. I always think about that shit. I don't know if it's the actor thing that I learned like the moment before, but I always think about the moment before. Like what was what were these poor people fucking thinking? They were just doing that weekly grocery shopping. I mean, listen, you know, me guys, people get shot every fucking day for stupid reasons. Some people deserve it, you know, and some people fucking don't, you know,

but these people didn't. They just, you know, you don't recover from that. You never recover from that. This is what we don't hear. We hear of the people that got killed. What about the 30 people that witnessed that? What do you think their world is at right now? It's not fucking good. These people, you know, or someone, my wife, they were talking about watching something. I don't know how we're watching boardwalk empire. And they were talking about, you know, fucking bootlegging, whatever, out of anything, you know. And I remember telling my wife, it's like, yeah, you ever taste bootleg? Yeah, it tastes like fucking gasoline. I tried it one time. Like what's that shit people make to try to fuck you up? It tastes like fucking horrid. They made it in jail. I don't know why people drink that shit.

Moonshine, moonshine. Oh my God, but not to get on the moonshine tip. You know, I was telling my wife, we're talking about, and went from drugs to whatever, we're talking about boardwalk empire or watching. There was no drugs back then, you know. And the conversation came up. She said to me, she goes, how long have you not done coke for now? And I go, it's going to be 15 fucking years. I'm happy you brought it up. I'm really proud of that. You know, I'm really proud of that. And she was like, what really got to you? If you had to like write a book or go to an AA meeting and you had to speak. Now, looking back, what was the main thing? What do you think the main thing that made you quit was? I mean, did you really want to quit? No. I mean, I would have done coke till I was 80 if I could have, you know, honest, honest. I mean, you want me to be honest with you? I would have done coke till they would have found me on the street.

I was what you call a fucking junkie. Okay. But at the same time, I watched that movie Ray, whatever the fuck, Ray Charles movie. And I saw that that dude did heroin to like 60 something as much as I wanted to do coke till I was 60 and snort and look out windows and party and do dirty things with dirty women. I mean, you know, I had a life. What I didn't have before had was now in front of me. I had a fucking life. But if I had a narrow one thing, was it for my career? Was it for my life? It was for none of those things, guys. I never thought I had a fucking career. So I could sit here and say to you, yeah, I gave up coke because I know I didn't. I gave up coke because I had to. I was getting jolts in my fucking neck. My head felt like it was going to explode when it wasn't when I did a line. It was after I was settled. Like I had done like a gram or two. I would just start fucking twitching. That's not good.

Once you get that twitch, it's not good. Listen, it's not good. So, but this is the main thing that it was. It wasn't career. It wasn't nothing. I didn't give a fuck about anything, guys. It was, I didn't want my wife at the time was my girlfriend to find me. That's it. That's, and I'm going to tell you why, because again, I'm the type of guy that can find you, call the ambulance, run through your pockets, take your fucking pinky ring off. No, I'm just teasing you. I could find you. How do I know? Because I found my mother and I'm still here. I could find you and call the ambulance and keep the fucking together till they leave. How do I know? I went through it. And then after the body leaves, you go through whatever the fuck you go through, you know?

I don't think my wife could have done it. I think it would have affected my wife the same way those people at the supermarket, yes, they're in Colorado or anytime you witness anything like that, you feel for a few days. You just feel like everything's been taken away. You feel dirty. You know, you feel a lot of things. How do I know? Cause I saw a lot of things in my life, but since I was an animal, it didn't affect me. How it affect normal people. I saw things as a kid. I saw like my stepdad shooter guy. You know, I just saw a bunch of fights at the bar and people bleeding and all that shit. So I kind of got used to it. My wife never was, you know, she wasn't Mike. Mike's a sweetheart of a guy. Play as the guitar, has some fucking kids, doesn't bother anybody.

If Mike found me on the floor, if he came here to do a podcast and I was still doing coke and Mike found me, he wouldn't be the same for 18, two years. And then every year he'd have like a little fucking mental breakdown. Not like he'd end up in a white jacket or something, but you get quiet for a few days. It really affects who the fuck you are to witness anything like that, a debt. You know, you don't even know what happens to your mind when you witness shit like that. So that was the reason why I basically fucking just said, you know what? I got to get off this fucking wagon cause she can't find me. And even if I die and I'm, you know, she's got nothing. She'll never be the same person again.

She'll probably move on and have another relationship or whatever, but that'll stay with her for fucking ever. And she'll have to do therapy about it, maybe talk to somebody after a few years. Because you never know how to process that shit. Nobody knows how to process that shit. But now, on a fucking light of no cocksuckers, I have not watched the Amber Heard fucking Johnny Depp thing, not even for two minutes. And I did not know what was going on with Brian Callan and Bobby Lee and all these guys. I had no idea. Guys, honest to God, for all you guys that wrote me little fucking side notes that Brendan was a fucking worm and all this shit. Cause me and John Berntall were talking about them. Listen guys, I don't know what's going on. I don't know who it's on. I don't know what's set up there anymore.

Like I said, before we even start this conversation, mental health is fucking king. So I don't know what happened. Mike kind of told me, I know that after I did the podcast with John, I thought everything was fine. There was no fucking, you know, and all of a sudden two days later, people like Joey, I think you're wrong about Brendan. He's a fucking chuch. He's this. He's that. And I was like, Hey guys, listen, I know the dude, he's a student of comedy. He works hard. I have not. It's like, I haven't been around Brendan for 18 months. But when you open up the computer, you see, you know, when you go on YouTube to get music or whatever, there's always a one Brendan this Brendan special, truly poppy Brendan this. I don't even know what the fucking saying anymore. I don't even know, you know, I watch the special. It's on YouTube. I watch like 15 minutes of it. It's Brendan. Is it fucking hysterical? No, but it's funny. He has some great fucking things.

It's like any other special I fucking watch on Netflix or any other fucking thing. I mean, okay, it's outstanding to fucking like Rodney and all those motherfuckers. No, but Brendan's doing okay. He's trying. Like I said, I don't know what's going on. I'm hitting on Bobby Lee's girl from Bobby Lee's girl. I don't know any about that thing. All I know is what his character shows me when I open up. He started thick boy. He does a food diary. He fucking started a clothing line. He's fucking trying. If you don't like him, don't pay. Don't buy the shirts. If you don't like it, don't fuck. But for you motherfuckers to sit there constantly, constantly and tear into it. I don't even know who the fuck it is. Tears into him constantly. He's not, you don't think he knows that you don't think he's heard that. But you know what? I give him credit because after all the shit everybody says he still shows up. He still shows up. How many people would show up? Would you show up of you fucking Brendan with all the shit against? He still shows up to the comedy store. He still shows up to all these places, whether he's good or not. Somebody's paying 25 hours to go see him. Right or wrong? I mean, somebody's paying the fucking money to go see him.

So for all these shows that he's selling out, are you people going to see a fuck? What's the chick that died from the ODs at the end? It's the singer. I went to rehab. No, no, no. Whatever the fuck. Natalie, whatever. I don't know. What's that chick's name? You know, I want to go to rehab. That girl at the end, she was selling my shows. People are like, oh, she passed out. Well, guess what? If she sold 5,000 tickets, 4,000 tickets were people who went to see the train wreck. Do you know that? I mean, and it's fucking scary to say that a guy like me would pay 45 bucks or 50 bucks or 60 bucks to go there with my heart. Oh, she's going to be different. She's not going to shoot heroin today. You know, she's not going to drink fucking 18 cocktails. She's not going to do 30 Xanax. I'll be fine. I'm Joey Diaz. I'm going to go see whatever her fuck. What's her name, please? Cause Amy Winehouse with a fucked up feet. Cause you know how she had stinky toes. Every time I see his shoes and shit, I'm like, that bitch got those English stinky little toes and shit.

I love her to death though. She could sing, but would I pay 50 bucks to go see a train wreck? To go cheer for somebody to train wreck? Some people do. Some people do. That's not what I'm, I'm a bad. I don't even fuck, you know, the same people that comment, but years ago, years ago, one of the best open mics you'd ever go to. Mike, when you went to this open mic, you didn't even think it was an open mic. You thought this was a fucking paid show. I wish, I always say this to people. I wish I would have taped shit. I wish I would have been one of those idiots. I wish I would have been Japanese and walked around with a camera 20 years ago, like with a blog or something. Guys, I would have showed you footage that would have fucking made your head blow up. Houston Laptop had an open mic that started at seven and it went to two. It was constant. Constant. But it wasn't, it was like the open mic I had in Seattle. It was, all right, in Seattle, we had 15 comics. So out of the fifth, let me just be honest, out of the 15 people on the list, six of them were stand up comics. Three of them were open mic comics that were working towards something. They were really working towards something.

So what does that give me? That's nine. So five. It would be me, Brody, Josh Wolf, Tana Manu, and Gavin. Let's just say five real comics that would get in feature work. Maybe a headliner would show up. Maybe. So you got five, six real comics. Then you had three guys that have been doing comedy for two years, maybe a year, maybe three years, and they're getting there. You know, the other six people were mental health. I'm sure you do your fucking open mic. Mike does mental health shows up. Okay. And, you know, I mean, I hold my open mic career. Listen, because you have a beginning of comedy and you have an open mic career, and then you, you move into like other realms like MCN and feature, but you're still a fucking open mic. So when I moved to Seattle, I was still a fucking open mic. And I went, I wrote hard every Monday. You know, I worked hard during the week. I made little notes and then everything was about Monday in Seattle. The same thing. If I bring a Houston comic up here, whether it's Sean Westling or Slade Ham, they'll tell you in 2000, 97 Mondays was everything to those people. Mondays was everything to me and LA because you had Freaky Monday. You had Latino night to laugh factory. You had Freaky Monday at the improv.

You had Latino night to laugh factory at the comedy store was just an open mic. So you had three spots you could fuck and run in Houston Monday night was open mic. Females comics hot. We'll go down there and get drunk. And, you know, the comics want to be funny so they could pick up the young female comics. It was a fucking beautiful thing to see. And, but you guys are now in Houston, for example, they had seven to two. That's seven hours, seven hours. So from seven to eight, it was comics from Houston, like in the area, you know, guys that were working out at a what's his name spot. The comedy where Ralphie started with Thea the Dow and all that. It was across town. You had comics at the last spot and the last stop. They had two clubs in Houston for a long time, the last stop and the last spot. So you had all those comics from the last spot that weren't allowed to mingle. But at the end of the day, Houston had a huge comedy scene and it was fucking brilliant to watch.

No comic left on Monday. Like if you work the whole week in Houston, Thursday, you know, Wednesday to Sunday, you didn't fucking leave Monday morning. Even if you lived in LA, you left Monday night or Tuesday morning because the party Monday was so fucking unbelievable. It was so fucking unbelievable. But back to what I'm saying about mental health at these fucking things. Okay, so let's say one of the guys, a prep guy is opening up like he's been doing comedy two years. Then maybe Brody Stevens would follow him and then maybe Tina would go up with Josh Wolf. You know, these are all potential feature acts. Let me tell you something from number four to number eight or number four, six and seven because the guy who wrote the list out was Carl. And Carl knew how to space it out. He knew the fucking mental health victims.

So what he would do is when the mental health victims would come in and guys, Joey, why do you call mental health victims? Well, because one guy used to come on with a fucking handcuff, just one handcuff with his suit. And when I left Seattle, he killed himself. He left a note like he blew himself up or something. It was not good, you know, and it's very sad guys. These are people who are alone. They're lonely and they go to open mics and they think they're comics and God bless them. God bless them. I've been doing comedy for 30 something years. I've been involved in comedy. I think at the comedy store was the first time I started getting into with open micers because they fucking attacked you at the comedy store. But in Seattle and all those places, I was always very calm. Comedy is a karma business. So if you're going to sit in the back and goof on the fucking young guys and shit, it's not going to work out for you.

So watch because those open micers say shit from time to time that you'll learn something. They just had a flash of brilliance. You've been doing comedy seven years and you're like, holy fuck. That do make sense. And what he was saying, this guy's, you know, whatever. So, you know, the open, the mental health guys, the guys that went up there and like there was a guy in Seattle who would just go up there and go, good evening. I'm doing an impersonation of a bird. Did you like it? Then he would go, my next impersonation is me as a chipmunk and he go. And he go, do you like it? And people wouldn't know what the fuck to say, guys. You don't know what the fuck to say. But let me tell you something about that. As bad as that dude was bombing, he was creating a show.

He was creating a kind of experience like I'm watching it from afar going, this is a weird fucking situation. And I'm looking at the audience, okay, because it's at the Seattle on the list and guys, my open mic career was my favorite part of doing comedy. Looking back now, fucking loved it. Fucking loved it. It sucks to walk into a room and 400 people love you. It sucks to walk into a comedy room and 1500 people to theater. It sucks. That sucks about comedy. Real comedy is going out there and convincing those motherfuckers that you're funny. Now these motherfuckers that come to the open mic, they all go to like a fucking, we're not laughing meeting together.

Like when I'm going to laugh at your jokes, me like 20 of those people go to a meeting and they buy a ticket and they come to the thing. And the people who go to open mics, they go there and they sit like this. Defense. That's it. This is, this is your audience at an open mic. So when you walk out there and you see this, you don't really fucking want to do shit. You're like, God damn, this is going to be work. You know, when I come out, hey, how you doing motherfucker? People like, ah, it's Joey. That's great. I love it. I've worked hard to get to that point, but it sucks. It really sucks.

Look at last year, Philly helium was doing a show on Wednesdays. Secret headliner sold out every week. I think that's a brilliant idea. They don't know who that liner is. Don't pay the 20. It could be a good guy or it could be a shitty guy. But it's people who want to sit down and get that different experience. They want to maybe let's go.

We're not doing nothing. We're going to sit at home and watch Ozark again. You know, some guy fucking laundering money. Hello. Anyway, you know, everybody talks about, oh, I got to stay in and watch Ozark. Don't fuck yourself. You've never even sold the Nickelback. Get the fuck out of my face. You live in vicariously by these fucking half a fag. Actors get the fuck out of here.

So, you know, that guy in Seattle ended up killing himself. Me and Josh laughed about it when we got here. We didn't laugh about it. He just said, you know, I could kill him. So we were like, it surprises you. He went up on stage with a fucking, with a fucking handcuff and a suit on. There was another guy that would just go up there and say, you know, this is my impersonation of a bird.

There was another guy that would just go up there with a ukulele. I remember in Denver, there was a guy that would go up on stage and tape his set and then come back to me and hit record. I mean, first of all, this kid was nice kid. Tons of money. Tons of money for you. Young comics that have tons of money that want to spend 10,000 on a promo pack. Don't do it because if you're not experienced, this guy had not only did he have money,

this motherfucker, he was like 25. He found like a 50 year old girl to finance his comedy career. She was buying him $1,000 suits for him to get on stage. He had a promo pack that was second to none. Like if you call me and go, Joey, I don't mean to bother you doing a show here on the third. Can I get a promo pack bitch? You're going to get a fucking, you're going to get a headshot and a resume. And it's going to be an old resume.

I'm not going to lie to you. It's not going to be updated because I don't give a fuck about that shit anymore. You saw me on the TV, right? That's all you need to know. What, what, what episode or what? Who gives a fuck? So what are we talking about? So this motherfucker would send you a promo pack.

That was a box. It was a fucking box in the mail will come to you like this. You would take it out, put it down and one side would open and it would have like pictures and a bunch of lies about newspaper reviews. Like he just said the London Post said brilliant and you know, heartwarming. The Jersey Journal said fucking anyway. And he put that on the end and then he would make these clips at his house. This is 1990 guys, 91 when I met this kid.

I hung out with this kid from 91 to about 95 and I really tried to fucking help him as a comedian. One day I got in this car and he goes, you can't talk for an hour. And I go, why not? What's going on? He goes, I thought it was like a Ramadan dude or one of those motherfuckers. He goes, no, no, no, I'm going to listen to my tape of me fighting hecklers. So it was just a tape of him with his wife or girlfriend yelling like, hey, where'd you learn how to whisper in a helicopter and all this shit? Like just all the stock. Like, you know, when you go to a comedy club, if you don't go to a fucking improv or one of those,

if you go to like a lesser known comedy club behind a bowling alley or something like that, you're going to see comics that I don't know. They talk about shit like that. You know, that's their world of comedy. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. This is terrible. I can't be smoking dope anymore in the morning. I smoke some of that fucking holy shit weed. Sometimes if you put it away, that motherfucker picks a momentum.

It's like an expired Vicodin. You ever even expired Vicodin dog? Those motherfuckers do not fuck around. Usually two of those, like when somebody says to me, they got some expired shit out. They'll give me 10 minutes. Let me swing by and see what you got. Because I know some people who love expired medications. But dog, I put away some of that fucking.

The white truffle is like 26%, 27%. It's okay. I put some away the other day and I found it and it was drier than shit. You know, when that weed gets dry and the fucking THC comes to the top and it coats that bud. I mean, these buds were terrible looking. I fucking zipped it up and I smoked last night. I was doing it last night because I came down here by one. I could not fucking sleep Sunday night and I fucking came down here by one.

I go, what the fuck am I going to do? So I rolled up a joint of the white truffle and I put some heavy duty fucking. What do you call that? What do you call that? Shaqif and that shit. But then I found this other weed that me and Mike had smoked last week, the London Lycionis. What was that? We smoked something, lime something.

It was something that came. Lemon Snickers. Lemon Snickers. I found the lemon Snickers and it was dry. Brittle Dry was hidden behind an old picture of Uncle Joey. I saw it back there. Like, what the fuck is this? Let me tell you something.

I cut that motherfucker up with a scissor. I didn't even put it up in the grinder. You know, when it gets that brittle, fuck the grinder. You're just going to take all those beautiful little fucking glass. I cut that motherfucker up. It had to be a joint. It was a big fucking bazooka type joint and I put some key for that motherfucker and I rolled it up last night. Oh my God.

I went outside and I smoked that and I just sat outside and looked around. I saw some deer walking around. I don't know what. I saw like a possum or a raccoon. He wasn't close to me. He was like across the street. Huge motherfuckers. And I came inside last night and I ate a bag of blueberries and a half a bag of those cherries.

Woo. I took a shit this morning. It was, you know those shits that you feel like you got raped? You ever take those shits that you feel like it burns? Like when you get out of the bathroom two hours later, your body feels all crooked. Like that's the shit I took this morning. My body was all crooked when I walked out of there. Oh my God.

Anyway, who needs to know about that shit? Back to the open mic. What I was trying to say to you guys that an open mic is a fucking a good open mic. Like I love to do an open mic here. Like I really love to do. It can't be at a comedy club because I like to have everything involved. I like to have some acoustic, some fucking like somebody who throws cards, maybe a magician that the bird gets stuck like an apprentice magician. Dog, that's the funniest thing you'll ever see.

The birds get stuck on the light. You know, he doesn't connect the ropes and shit. Oh my God. Have one of those. And like they used to be the show in Vegas years ago with midgets. I forgot the fucking name. When I first started comedy, it was fucking crazy. He was still trying to do it years ago or whatever.

I like to do something like that in an open mic setting, which is craziness to really prepare because you need an audience that will give you some shit. I'm sorry to say. With an open mic, you do need an audience. Like in Houston, we used to do open mic. Every three comics, somebody would yell something. You know, and that, listen, if it's not mean, if it's not like when we were doing the open mic, the guy, yeah, it's kind of like the guy that used to do the open mic and say, this is my impersonation of a bird. This is my impersonation of a flower. One day we just yelled out towards the end.

Do an impersonation of a comic and you could hear that he just fractured, walked off and never came back. He probably went through a fucking open mic at a poetry reading because every, every fucking open mic is different. Have you been to a poetry reading open mic? Oh boy. It's been a long time. I started a poetry reading open mics. Holy shit. Guys, my fucking first year I did comedy and listen, I don't mean to fucking, you know, I don't want to blow my horn here.

But it doesn't surprise me that I got as far as I did in comedy because in the beginning I did anything I had to do to get on stage. And this is why I knew when I got here, when I got off the fucking boat and came back to Jersey that I would just wait to see if I would put my sneakers on, on my own. No, no, on my own, no money, no nothing. I want to see if I could go, hmm, I'm not doing anything tonight. There's an eight o'clock spot. Let me look over my material and let me go over that because guys, I know me. When I started, you have no idea the places I went to. You are not going to tell me no.

Listen, you're never going to tell me no. Let's get this fucking straight. When you're in love with something, you know, Mike and I were talking about responsibilities. If I had what I had now, like if we had, listen, if I had mercy when I started comedy and my wife, we would have lived in a room this big. This would have been our fucking apartment. That's, that's for starters. I couldn't afford anything and neither could my fucking wife. Okay.

So you go to an open mic and you, you give it everything that you got. When I started comedy, you know, I used to drive to Cheyenne, Wyoming, Cheyenne, Wyoming to bomb and then bomb on the, and then drive back with that bomb. Cause let me tell you something. You know, when you're sitting by yourself in a car and you're thinking about your bomb and it's something that you want to do, you want to do so bad that you fucking taste it. You could taste that fucking microphone. I wanted to do comedy so bad nothing was going to stop me. So if it was in Boulder, like I said, I had told you guys that story about the Chinese guy to run that I would show up to his little fucking restaurant and put him together. I was doing comedy in Chinese restaurant.

First of all, I stole that idea. I didn't steal it. I heard that they were doing comedy in Boston. All those Boston comics got huge by doing this restaurant once a week on Monday nights. It was upstairs. It was a Chinese restaurant. I always thought that was the coolest thing I've ever heard in my life. When on Christmas Eve, there's a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco every year that brings in a Jewish comic to do comedy on Christmas or Christmas Eve.

At a Chinese restaurant. I've always loved that thing about a Chinese restaurant. So, you know, I used to go to Ron and you know, I asked every Chinese restaurant in Boulder. The one I delivered that they didn't have a stage, but Ron had an outdoor area where you could do fucking stand up comedy. You know, I used to go to Cheyenne, Wyoming. I used to go to Cheyenne, Wyoming for lunch. It's an hour and a half drive to get shrimp and lobster sauce. And then I would sit there the rest of the day to do Bobby, whatever his room, some comic up that's still around.

I still think he has the room up in Loveland, Colorado. Bobby Blotts, I forget what his fucking name was, you know, but I think the most painful thing I had to do was go to a poetry reading. I used to go to a poetry readings. I think Wednesday nights and Saturday nights because Saturday nights, no comedy clubs going to put you up for a guest spot. You just sit there unless you have your own thing going on, unless you're working. Nobody wants to see an open mic on a Saturday night. You know, so you're dead when you first start comedy or anything like that. Nobody's going to give you love on the weekend.

So you get yourself a job, fucking Ubering. For me, it was delivering Chinese food, selling Coke, delivering fucking Domino's Pizza, whatever the fuck I could do. But I would shoot after I delivered Domino's Pizza, I would shoot over to Penny Lane Coffee House. I fucking loved that place in Boulder. And it was, you know, a bunch of fucking hippies, a bunch of wannabe, you know, wood stockers and shit. And I would go in there and the thing I remember the most was maybe my second comedy, the time I went to open poetry reading. There was a dude up there and he was doing, what's that? When you just talk, you just talk about shit like, you know, they call it something.

It's an art now, talking like when you talk a story. It's not storytelling. It was poetry reading, it was poetry nights, it was kind of a poem. But anyway, this motherfucker stayed up there for like 15, 20 minutes talking about that he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and he saw mountains and hills. And he keeps talking about, I ran, I ran. I was with a guy that I was in the halfway house with. In fact, that's how we get the spots at the poetry reading. He was like an old geezer, he was like my age now.

And he was a bank robber, but he was dating a hot little fucking girl that was a sweetheart. She ran the coffee shop. So she told me, she goes, they don't want you to come in here and do comedy, but I'll let you in at night. This motherfucker went up and he's like, I ran, I ran. I kept running through the marsh and all this shit. Me and my buddy like, what the fuck is he talking about? So when she goes, Joe, you're up next. I just went up there and mimicked the fucking guy.

So I ran, I ran, I ran, I hit a fucking tree with my head. I didn't even know what I said. And then I get the fuck out of here. So I would do that shit. And then they had an open mic that was all night that a fucking poetry reading that was till six in the morning. Come on guys, people come in there and start like with their shit and they smoke those weird cigarettes, clothes, clothes and fucking drinking coffee. And I would go down there, man, and they chased me the fuck out of there, but I didn't give a fuck.

I would, I would wait. I'd actually go home and put it on my calendar. All right. So I got there Sunday the 15th and they throw me out. I can't go back there till Sunday the 29th. And then I would go back down to 29th. I used to do an open mic after a fucking. What's that shit?

Aki breaking heart. The line dancing class. Think about that shit. I used to, and people used to go, how do you go down there? They were all red necks. I don't give a fuck. I gotta get stage time. And I would basically go there to bomb, bomb, bomb.

It was a number, you know, sales and comedy, a lot of like, it's a numbers game. You could lose your fucking mind for years or you could get a pen, go on a piece of paper and write 10,000 sets backwards and just start going. Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, eight. You know, for comedy, you're going to have to do 10,000 spots just to get somebody's fucking name. Think about it. If you do 30 spots a month, which that's a day off or two sets for 15 days, right? Times 12 is 360 spots.

If you did that for 10 fucking years, 360 spots for fucking 10 years, all right? Let's just make it safe. Let's pretend you fucking, I gotta get a calculator. I don't even know what my fucking calculator is here. That's how stupid I am. So this isn't easy, but I just want to make sure that I don't want to fuck you guys over. So you did 360 spots and that's if you didn't get hurt. That's if your girlfriend didn't dump you.

That's if your mother didn't die. That's if your dog didn't get hit by a car. That's got to be fucking perfect 30 spots a month. It's 360 at 10 years, 360 spots time fucking 10 years is still 3600 spots. That's nowhere near 10,000. So all right, let's be fair. You got to do 3600 spots before you even call my fucking number. I have that for you, but no, that's, and that's what people need to know when people are not selling.

You know, my buddy works at the Subaru dealer where I bought the Subaru. We became friends after I bought the Subaru. Whenever I'm in the freehold, I stop in. I say, hello, I look at the car, you know, I'm killing time. I got to, I got to go freehold for therapy sometimes for my leg. But even him, he was telling me one day, he hasn't sold the car on a week. I go, you're gonna get it. Just got to get out there and talk to people.

That's it. Talk to everybody. Talk to the lady who goes into fucking service. Talk to that guy who comes in with a red, ugly truck. Talk to all those people and after a while, it's just a fucking numbers game. This is a numbers game, guys. I could sit here and tell you, you have to be born with a special gift. There's no fucking gift.

You got to put the time in. That's it. And consistent. See, and enthusiastically, you know, right now I like doing comedy. I don't want to do it every fucking night. I don't even know what to do. Come on, I could go into the city, but I'm not driving two hours a fucking day. But 30 years ago, I was driving to the city twice.

I'd probably drive over in the afternoon just to fucking do an afternoon spot. Come home, work, pick somebody up at the airport when I was driving limos. And I go back over there. Guys, this is a work-based fucking business, sales, comedy, but you could do it. You know why? Because it's repetitious and it's a numbers game. It's a fucking numbers game. So the more you fucking do it, the better you get at it.

You know, I see all these people every time I go online, you know, I started swinging clubbells again a little bit. You know, Alberto Crane taught me when I was in LA. And since I can't do kettlebells with my knee and shit, I've just been doing the clubbells. I don't even know why I brought this up. What was I talking about? I thought I brought the clubbells up. I don't even fucking know. But it's so weird that whenever I go on YouTube, I went out last night to look at, you know, clubbell swings like the accurate way to do it.

Alberto sent me a few tapes and he pointed me at Scott Sutton who does some not kettlebell swings, those fucking bat swings and shit. And it's so weird. It's all a fucking numbers game, guys. You know, I could say that, yeah. Listen, like for Brendan Shaw, for example, he's a fighter and I'll tell you something. He crossed over to become a comic podcast or whatever. You know what, man? I will support Brendan to whatever because he does the job.

I have not yet to hear a thing that Brendan stole a joke. I have not heard anything that, you know, whatever Brendan does with his side with women, that's his business. I'm not even talking about that. Brendan has always gotten my respect because he's never been afraid of the oven. You know, man, you got to hold your feet to the fucking fire and he's been doing it. And whether you like him or not, listen, he's going to keep working. The more you guys push him and keep saying stupid shit about him, he's going to keep working and it might take him 10 more fucking years. But he's going to put it together and he's going to prove people wrong if he sticks it out.

And it was the same thing I did, guys. You know, when I got to LA, I was getting tortured. I'm too dirty. I'm too fucking old. I'm too fat. I'm too... Listen, you're not focusing on the main thing. It's the fucking funny.

So go fuck yourself with all that other shit. And guess what? The reason I'm tight with Joe after all these years and I'm tight with Bert and Tom because they know I never fucking skipped a fucking beat. I did everything that was needed to be done, not once, but twice bitches. I had two horrible, three horrible specials. Who gives a fuck about that? When I'm up there fucking live, I will rock your fucking world. But that just didn't happen, guys.

I just didn't do that. I had a sweat. I had a fucking cry. I had to go out there, you know, I had to be... I just heard something, you know, I heard this a couple of years ago. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. That's it. You want to succeed in life.

You got to do the things that you don't want to fucking do. And I did them, even though I didn't want to fucking do them. I fucking did them. You know, I didn't want to work on a Sunday, but I had to stay. I wanted to go to Mike's wedding, but I had a fucking show, you know. Mike and I were talking about responsibility. You know, we got here today about how Mike can't go to see me with Joe on the third and fourth. He's got a wife.

He's got fucking kids, you know, and that's something that nobody prepares you for. I have friends that call me now, and they're like, hey, man, and they younger than me. And God bless them. I love them. They think about me, but they're like, hey, man, what are you doing right now? Let's hook up and let's go. And I'm like, guys, I'm in the middle of a softball game. I'm in the middle of a kid's birthday party.

I'm in the middle of, you know, I just can't get up and leave. Don't get me wrong. I love to do what you're doing instead of being here, but this is where I need to be. That's where I want to be. This is where I need to be. It's two different fucking stories. And that's what makes you a better version of you guys. Honest to God, you know, anybody could do like I just told you guys, you know, I love doing comedy, but I gotta be honest.

It was Ari brought up to me years ago. And that's why my Netflix special wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because I didn't perform at the comedy store before that Netflix special. For some reason, me and Ari were talking about how you go into these audiences that are there to see you and that you can't do anything wrong in front of them. So you don't know what you're doing wrong. So because of that, I was like, fuck it. He's got a point. I won't put my name on any list and I'll go to places like I was going to flappers. I was going to the fourth wall, which I really didn't belong in at that time, but I went.

It was the fourth wall is an open mic place and a lot of young comics hanging there. I enjoyed myself going there. Like people would ask me different questions. Young comics would ask me questions. It was great to help somebody out, but I didn't belong there. But I thought what Ari said and him and I were talking, I was like, yeah, you got a point there. So I'll go to all these rooms that don't know I'm coming. Well, you know, they knew I was fucking coming because somebody let them know anyway.

But the point is I didn't do what was comfortable and that was all the way up to the end in 2016 when I didn't have to do a fucking special. People were coming to the shows. I was doing great on set on stage. I had a fucking hour. I always had a new hour, but you have to do that to grow from time to time. And it's like now I got two weeks. Still fucking showtime were broken. I got about 25 fucking minutes on paper, which means I got 18 on stage.

Right. If you got 25 and to be honest, I'm kind of scared because 25 on paper for a regular comic would be 20. I speak so fucking fast and I blow through it. And my energy level that I got to do at 15, you know, right now I'm preparing for that. I'm two weeks away and I'm preparing for it. Like a little kid. I'm excited Thursday. I'm going with Jimmy down on cool.

Vinnie's to do a benefit for one of the kids in the Marlboro sports section. So I'm going to go get a sitting there. I'm thinking of going into the city. Maybe Tuesday night. I spoke to somebody. All I need is just a couple sets to warm up the fucking Rogan and I'll be ready. The most important, I mean, the physical performance is that it's the, the material and my confidence in material and how I put it out. So I made a couple of nice little jokes this weekend.

I don't even know if that nice little jokes. They just, and I'm not being, I'll tell you what, man, I don't want to, I'm going for it guys. When I'm up there, I'm doing short sets. Like I'm doing the 20 minutes with Bert. I'm doing the 15 and I did that for a reason. I don't think I could, I think I lost a step as a comic. We all do. I haven't been in that fucking realm of, you know, the comedy store in two fucking years.

That's, uh, you're in the major leagues, pal. You know, you're, I was in the major leagues for 23 fucking years. I stepped out of the major leagues. Now I got a great comedy scene in New York. If I want to attack it, I got a great comedy scene here, but now I'm busy. I'm getting old. All I got to do, you know, I enjoyed with gay. I never saw Gabriel in LA unless he did the podcast or somebody told me was going to ha ha ha.

You know how many times I've seen Kevin Hart and LA zero because those motherfuckers do their best writing when they're on the road. They really do. I really got a handle to them. They do great writing on the road when they're in town. They don't work out. They don't want to know about working out. They don't want to talk about working out. So, so Monday morning's podcast, we're going to end with this guys.

You want to grow as a fucking human being do what you don't want to do to get to that fucking goal. All those things that you think suck. That's what needs to be done. You know, it's funny with comedy. I'm the first motherfucker to complain. I really am. I'm the first guy that's looking for a complaint. But when I was on my road, when I was on my fucking mission for gold, I didn't complain.

I just went in there to wait. I think I did fucking these great venues when I was fucking. No, you know, when you're going into a great venue like Atlantic City, the stress factory, Uncle Vinnie's, New York Comedy Club, Carolines. When you go up to these great venues, you get fired the fuck up. You get fired the fuck up. You're like, fuck. I never thought I would be at fucking Carolines. I had to show these motherfuckers where the fuck I am.

So that's part of it. But when you're playing Snake River, South Dakota, where the fuck it is. How excited are you? You know, you thought you were going to be on the Jerry Lewis telethon hanging out with fucking celebrities. And here you are in Snake River fucking talking to a Mexican waiter in the back. Because he's the only guy that speaks Spanish in the next 10 fucking miles. Well, I got some coke from some weed, so he cut the fucking thing. But you guys know what I mean.

It's a long way to the top. If you want to rock and roll, AC DC said it best. I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. It's Monday morning. I got shit to do and people to motherfucking see. I'm happy because I can finally announce that I'm going to be somewhere Thursday the 19th. I'll be with Jimmy Florentine down in Uncle Vinnie's. I think there's like 30 tickets left.

I'm only going to do like 15 minutes just to warm myself up. But if you want to come out on Thursday night and have a good time, come on down and help some people with a good cause. Come on down. Go to Uncle Vinnie's right now and take a look at UncleVinnie's.com. I think in Point Plus and then take a look and buy a fucking ticket. You're helping out some kids and whatnot. And that's it. And that's that motherfuckers.

It's Monday morning. I got no fucking. I got no beef for you guys. I don't know. I'm happy that Brendan's happy. I'm happy that Amber Heard's happy. You know, some idiot, some idiot fucking hit me up the other day and said, do you think as a professional, do you think Amber Heard was really snorting coke up on stage? Why would happen?

I heard with a tissue. Listen, guys, if she did coke, dog, listen, I've done some coke in some weird fucking places, but I've never done it. The judge is fucking chamber. If that bitch did coke on a job, judges chamber, sign her up. She'll let you light her asshole on fire that crazy bitch. And just from what I've heard, guys, it's not good. It's so weird how some guy, and I'm trying to tell you guys with the John Burntall podcast, I wanted to talk to him about it. Maybe I'll bring it up next week.

I got a guy coming on here that you guys are going to love. But, you know, I read an article after the Amber Heard thing and the Chris Rock thing and the guy at New York Times. And it was pretty interesting because I think the same way. Guys, when I was coming up, I thought Charles Bronson was a God. I thought Steve McQueen was a God. I thought Ava Gardner was a God. I thought all these actors that I saw were these big fucking people. Clint Eastwood.

They were just big, you know. I love Richard Gere. I saw Richard Gere one night and I didn't go up to him. I didn't say hello. I didn't fucking want to take a picture. There was no pictures then. There was no fucking, like nobody had a phone. My point is the reason why I didn't go up to Richard Gere that night was because I'm a piece of shit.

I'm a fucking guy from Jersey. What do I know about that fucking world? These guys were born with fucking gold spoons in their pocket or so I thought. But when you look at a celebrity, Mon Brando fucking the chick that you sang out with Michael Jackson with the monkeys. What was her name? Elizabeth Taylor, you know, Diana Ross. These people are fucking huge icons, you know, at least they were to me. When I look at Julius Irving as a basketball player, they meant the world to me guys.

Larry Bird meant the fucking world to me. I kept telling my mom, I want to move to French like Indiana. I want to move the front. You know, it doesn't fucking matter. You don't see any of it that I was. I thought there were everything to me the last couple of years because of what's going on with social media. They're not big anymore. When Amber Heard took the stand against Johnny Depp.

I shouldn't keep saying Amber Heard. When Johnny Depp, this whole thing that came through, what this guy said on this article he wrote, which is pretty brilliant. He said that it was the end of the celebrity and it really is. Celebrities come a dime a dozen now. They come a dime a fucking dozen. You could contact them. They could do a fucking bubble picture. What do you call those things?

They could send a cameo to you, you know, you could reach him, you know, and I like that. This has become this way. It's great. But I want you guys to know that this wasn't the way it always was. A celebrity was something that was so far from you. It was so far from you that you couldn't even imagine. In your mind, they were so much better than you. And they're really not.

They all put their pants on one leg at a time. You learn that when, you know, you're 2018-19. This guy could suck my dick. He puts his pants one leg at a time. They were so big. Now they're nothing. Like now they're nothing. I never considered myself a celebrity.

I hate the fucking thought of it. I'm an R-rated comic. I'm not a celebrity. I'll never do one of those VH1 things. That's not my bag. I'm a dirty comic. I went to jail. And that's it.

I got some movies. Take it. Do what you want with it. There's nothing spectacular here. There's no talent here. I can't do a magic trick. I can't save a life. I can't do nothing.

So I don't consider myself these fucking things. The only thing I got are a few people with my balls and my heart and my lessons on how to fucking stick it out with these jerks and let them know they ain't shit. But now you contact the celebrity. You could talk to them. You could attack them on stage. You could fucking smack them on stage.

It's like they're nothing. They become nothing. But we've lowered the bar as Americans. Like we've looked like really like all these people. Like they really care about this dude. Like this dude don't care about you. Like when I see all these young girls that try to be Kim Kardashian. It's like you guys have no idea.

Did you see what came out that a mother pimp her out with RJ and guys. It's LA. It's disgust. You have nothing to do with that. That's a disgusting life. You imagine your mother was buying your fucking born tape. Are you fucking seriously? But that's and this is the shit that you people watch and think it's acceptable and stuff.

Even me. I'm a fucking pig. You can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. But I'm not here trying to tell you how to run your life. I'm just here telling you you could do it. Whatever the fuck you want to do. Whatever you think is far away from you that you can't maintain. Like when I was a kid and I see those celebrities and go,

I could never be in a movie. Fuck you. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Especially now they ain't shit. So strap on a fucking pair and get your thinking up. It's over. There's no more. There's nobody better than you.

All these motherfuckers. These sports athletes. Look at the shit they're doing half the fucking time. They ain't better than you. You guys think you're missing something. I'm not hanging out with Jason Momoa. Who gives a fuck? That guy can't do an algebra fucking problem.

Tell him what to do. Come on guys. Get your shit together. These fucking people. This is what you spend your time. This is entertainment. This is entertainment guys. This ain't no big fucking deal.

I can't do none. I can't do a magic trick. I can't cook a pot roast. Who the fuck is this shit? You know what I'm saying? At least I'm honest. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week, stay black,

and don't take no shit from nobody. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right. I want to thank you motherfuckers. I want to thank Amber Heard. I want to thank everybody who we talked about on the podcast today. Sick cock suckers.

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Go to Audit.com. Pressing joey. Church or joint. And get 10% off. Deliver right to your motherfucking house. Tip Top Magoo. I want to thank Freeze Pipe. I want to thank Audit.

But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for always having my back. Stay Black. Have a great week. And I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo. Love you. Thank you.