Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #165 | CHAZZ PALMINTERI | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, May 23rd.... Today we talked with the Great & Powerful, CHAZZ PALMINTERI!! https://chazzpalminteri.net/ https://instagram.com/chazzpalminteri?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= https://twitter.com/chazzpalminteri This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Manscaped & The Freeze Pipe.…. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code DIAZ at https://manscaped.com Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #TheFreezePipe #Manscaped #ChazzPalminteri The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 23rd of May. Listen, the joint is brought to you by Manscape. Are you ready to go ultra smooth? Our friends at Manscape are here to help.

Grab your handy lawnmower 4.0 for a nice trim. Then you pull out the crop exfoliator and you exfoliate around the fucking pogo stick. Then you lather up and you see your shaving with the clear crop gel shaving gel just for the fucking groin area. And then it's time to shave. You use the crop shaver. It's designed for shaving around the fucking helmet of the cock. And all the products in the ultra smooth package are vegan, cruelty free and sulfate free. No animals got kicked in the head with this experiment.

Get 20% off plus free shipping at Manscape.com with Code Joey. J-O-E-Y. It's summertime. You want to keep that fucking area spotless. If it's looking like the Wolfman, you're going to jerk off to your fucking 90. Nothing's going to happen for you. I'll give you 20% off on a Monday plus free shipping with Code Joey at Manscape.com. Smooth out the fucking dick area and relaunch the ultra smooth package from the fellas at Manscape.com. Listen, I'm going to thank you.

Manscape is going to thank you, but most importantly, your fucking balls are going to thank you. When was the last time they said thank you about anything? The joint is also brought to you by the bong of the year. Freeze pipe, no matter if it's 100 degrees like it is today, you keep your bong ice fucking cold. Here's how it works. You freeze a portion of the bong, then when you're ready to fucking smoke it, you pack it with the fucking reefer of death, laughing gas, and then you take that piece out of the freezer, you pip it into your fucking bubbler or bong, whatever.

And when you rip the hot smoke passes through the frozen pipe, cooling down the smoke as you inhale. Ah, like a bad motherfucker. Your smoke will be so cold, you think you're blowing ice cubes up people's assholes. Listen, I love freeze pipe. It takes me back to 83, snow mass. Just getting a scoop of snow and putting it in a bong. It's non-toxic.

It freezes faster than water, and guess what? It stays frozen longer. It must be on Bluetooth. Freeze pipe cools down the smoke by 100 degrees. What happens is your fucking throat doesn't burn. You're living like a doctor. You can sing opera and shit. And your Uncle Joey's taking care of you on a Monday morning.

Go to freezepipe.com, pressing cojoey to save 10% off your first order. Listen, I'd start off with the fucking bubbler and work yourself up to the bong, the pipe, the whole fucking thing. That's thefreezpipe.com, pressing cojoey, J-O-E-Y to save 10%. If you can smoke from it, freeze pipe makes it cocksuckers. I love you. Let's get this party started on a Monday morning. Let's get this party started on a Monday morning. Bruce Lee was the real deal.

It was the real deal. No, he could fight. Fight? That motherfucker turned the nation around. I mean, I grew up in the, you know, a lot of people, some people know, but I grew up in the fight camp because my dad was a bus driver, obviously, from Bronxdale. But he also was a professional fight trainer. I grew up boxing, not, never professionally, never. I just trained and, you know, when I grew up and I didn't want to be a fighter, I wanted to be, you know, I wanted to be an actor.

But my dad always said that, you know, you could be good with your hands, but if you fight a guy who was good with his, like a wrestler, a wrestler was the toughest kind of fight in the street, in the street. Yeah, in the street. A wrestler. I bounced Joey and my son said, you got to tell Joey that story because he's into martial arts. I said, all right, I'll tell him. I was, when I was about to, in 1981, I was about to, in the limelight in Manhattan. Wow. It was like the hottest club in there.

I must have walked past you three times. You must have, you had to because I used to work the door. Yeah. And the only guy, you know, I got it to somebody. I was always, they called me the pericomo because I was always like, cool, like I wouldn't like, I said, come on, relax. You don't want to fight. I was a good talker, right? But this one fucking guy got into, and I was about, I squared him up to hit him and he went down on me.

And he, you know, he gave me a double leg. Double leg. I'll never forget. I told him the story and he got, I found out later he was, he was an all American college wrestler. He got me down on the floor and then I remember, I'll never forget a Joey. I grabbed his shoulders to roll him. It was like I was picking up a building, Joey. I couldn't move.

No. Like he just knew how to brace me. Joey, I was like, I felt like a child. I felt like a baby. Thank God the cavalry came. My other bounces and they got him. But if they didn't come, forget it. I was getting my ass kicked back.

It's crazy the power that a wrestler has. They have a lot of strength as they, they train endurance based. Right. And the more the years that you keep wrestling, you just get this brute strength that you can't get from weights. Weights can't give you that type of strength. Right. You learn to be heavy.

You know, they learn how to be heavy. Yes. It's a tough thing. I didn't like wrestling. I was 15 at age at 15. I didn't want to hug no guys. You know what I'm saying? I wanted to play basketball.

Right. But you did, you did jujitsu, right? I did jujitsu. I joined when I was 50. 50? Yeah. Wow. And I go today.

You still go? Yeah. But Gracie and O-Bridge, they have an old guy class. Wow. Every day from 12. An old guy class. There's a guy in there, Charlie. He's a gangster from Staten Island.

Really? He's fucking 60. I asked him, Charlie, what do you do? Because I sell businesses. I buy and sell businesses. I'm 60 years old. I bet you, you better not fuck with this guy. This guy is a black belt karate of all his life.

And then he started running into jujitsu when he was 55. And the other day me and him were fucking around, having a great time. We're both old-timers. Really? I went to scissor sweep him. So I pulled him into my guard and I put my leg in between him. And I just thought I was ready to scissor sweep him. He didn't budge.

He didn't fucking budge, guys. Right. All the technique in the world because you got to put that weight on top of yours. Right. He's a big Italian dude. And I went to sweep him. Nothing. It was like pushing against the wall.

And the lady told me he was a wrestler. Yeah. Because I wrestled in college. Because I dropped it, you know, after college. But I picked it up again with jujitsu. But what you said is an interesting thing. Not even way. It's like they get that, they get that strength in their hands.

It's a different strength. The grip strength, you know. It's a different strength. It's funny because I joined jujitsu because I was sick and tired of watching people. Watching people watch stuff and like put down jujitsu. I wanted to make sure I knew what I was talking about. Right. You know, I wanted to make sure I understood it.

And I went to Vegas at Rogan one time. And that was when McGregor was going to fight Diaz the first time. Right. And I'll never forget that Diaz, Diaz went like this and McGregor squinted. And I thought about it all night. Like after the weigh in, I bet like maybe 20 bucks. Yeah. Just to watch the fight.

And then I went up to my room. I started thinking about it. Diaz is a jujitsu guy. Right. All his life from the beginning. That's a different strength. That's a different strength. Right.

That's a different endurance level. I go, you know what? I'm going to bet Diaz. I'll never forget calling my wife and going, put money in the ATM account. And she's like, for what? What? I go, just, I'll show you. I bet like a thousand on Diaz.

I couldn't believe it. He probably got good odds, didn't he? No, he beat him. I know I meant that. He beat him. He beat him. Yeah. He choked him out.

That was the only reason I bet him. I could tell you all that. That's the only reason. Because that discipline, you can't, it's, you can't take that from someone. He actually thought they told Joey who you wrestled with. No, I can't do that. Yeah. My old jujitsu trainer was really close with the Gracies.

Okay. And Hoyce came in and did like a small class. And we all got to spar him when I was like 11. How was it? It was the most insane thing ever. He like, you know, he let us get him in like a show and he tapped out. We're like, ah, ah, tapped out on the Gracie. And he, he just showed us like some fundamentals and it was, it was pretty wild to, to roll with

Hoyce Gracie. It's Gracie. Joey, you remember when they had the, when they had the tournament, you know, it was like, he used to win all the time in the beginning, Hoyce Gracie. And then everybody kind of just caught up. Caught up to him. Yeah. Jujitsu is very special.

Now you grew up in New York. I grew up in the Bronx. Do you remember the, the martial arts thing they did at the garden every year? No, I don't. They used to have a martial arts thing. Every Aaron Banks little hippie dude from New York, right? Jewish guy. I think he was, you know, he had a fucking all day tournament and it ended with a guy.

They got, they shot him with a 22 and they bit the bullet out of the air. And how he would do it was they put a glass in front of him. You can see this on YouTube. They say news. He put a glass in front of him. Some little French guy would come out and shoot. It would break the glass and then he would time the bullet when they hit the glass. No, I don't know.

He died. He died. Eventually got shot. Eventually the bullets got beat because it was a 22. He must have gone for like a fucking nine millimeter and he had a special jaw they made. And he'd catch the bullet. He'd catch the bullet and then spit it on a frying pan because it was hot. And he did it on Wide World of Sports.

So fuck, two or three Saturdays in a row. And what you could do, Mike, put that insert in, like show them whatever. They have it on YouTube. Wow. Wide World of Sports. Well, I remember the Wide World of Sports. Absolutely. The agony of defeat.

Oh my God. Boom, bang. And they don't have that show on anymore. They don't know. Which baffles me because it was such a great, everybody was called Saturday at five. And even if they were playing ping pong, you didn't give a fuck. It was the guy falling from skiing. You did not want to miss that.

That dude falling, breaking his neck and bouncing. The agony of defeat and all that shit. I mean, that guy's got to be, I don't know if he's still alive. No, he got defeated. That's defeat right there. If he lost an arm, that dude, something, he lost something in that accident. There was bodies bouncing and shit. And they weren't, you know, there was no woke culture.

Wow. That's right. It's so weird. A fact that people don't know. I Googled this years ago. Do you motherfuckers know how many famous people came out of the Bronx? Yeah. You'll never count the amount.

There's something in the water in the Bronx. If I could do, you know what it is? It's that leftover fucking fried banana juice that they put in the sink. That shit goes right in front of the Bronx River. Are you from the Bronx originally? My mother had a book making operation. She had a quality cleaners. It was on Tremont Avenue up there.

I remember I used to go up there. I used to get chased by the, the Royal Javelins. Right. There was a bunch of street gangs and I would just go to buy Italian ice on the corner. That was my first real experience with Italian people on the corner. There was a guy that would make a sherbet sherbet. Yeah. And you put seven up in it.

Right. Fucking loose Bronx had shit. You never tasted before, you know, those candy stores that they make you the egg cream. Yeah. The fucking pizza was to die for. But then we got rid of it like in 71 and then I used to go to the Bronx and do Santoria stuff. Right. Or like to eat fried bananas and pork chops because nobody makes a fucking pork chop like a Puerto Rican.

I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. A skinny pork chop with some red beans and fried rice. Oh, I love red beans. Oh my God. I used to have, I used to, you know, date these Puerto Rican girls and they would make me out as compoyo, which I love. That was what that's how I got introduced to Puerto Rican food. I love all that shit.

I loved all that shit. I love growing up in the Bronx. People always go, how did you, you know, your childhood must have been really rough. And I go, it really wasn't. I got, it was a beautiful childhood. I loved it. It really was. I mean, did I see some violent things?

I mean, obviously I wrote Bronx Tale from the killing that I saw when I was sitting on my stoop. But I had a great childhood. I can't complain about it. I really can't. I don't want people to think I lived in this drug infested area. No, it was a tie in there, but everybody was a tie in. Everybody hung out. Everybody stuck together.

Nobody locked their doors. Was there violent shit that happened? Yes. But I loved growing up there, man. You know, I just, I loved growing up there. I can't help it, man. It's a real life. When I would go up there as a child, I looked at it as a real, I even went to the boys club.

Cause we were at boys club. Yeah. And my mother put me in the camp at the boys club. That's the first time I realized I was a failure. Cause I couldn't pass the test to get the president's exam. You got to do like 50 push-ups, 50 setups. I couldn't do the pull-ups. Cause I couldn't do the pull-ups.

Pull-ups are hard, man. Pull-ups are hard. And they used to give us like a little box lunch. And I just remember the pizza. If I really got to remember something from the Bronx in those days was how the cheese just dripped the fucking, the flavor. I never got that again. It was just, that's why I learned how to eat all that stuff.

And the sandwiches, wet muts, fucking tremendous. Oh, muts. You're like Italian. Fucking dog. I grew, I ate that shit from the time I was four to like six. And then it got taken away from me. And then I was back in New York City, Puerto Rican food, pizza, all that shit. And then my mom had a bar in Union City.

So I would have to go visit her. And then finally one day she goes, we're moving to Jersey. I can't take the commute no more. So we moved to a town called North Bergen. And what happened in North Bergen in the early seventies, it was the influx from the Italians and Hoboken, who were now got like good jobs. Yeah. Moving up.

It's like moving on up. The Jeffersons moved up to Brooklyn. Got a house. You move out of the projects. Brooklyn went to Jersey. You're right. Brooklyn went to Jersey. That's right.

Bronx went to Westchester. Yes. Yes. So it was funny that how I never really had the Italians around me again to 73. I went back to North Bergen and North Bergen. And I didn't know those Italian people I was raised with were very special. That era of Italian were very special. And I couldn't put my fucking finger on it.

What made these like we won the States when I was in the eighth grade. My high school won the fucking number one seed. Whoa. And that one kid was over five, eight. The names were Villo and Rick Capose and they were these little fire plugs. And they ran behind the high school with helmets and 90 degree weather to get better. They brought the Italian work ethic to football. Yeah.

And they became this team. And then I watched the HBO thing on Sinatra. And that's why I put it all together. I always tell people I was raised by Hoboken Italians. Because pretty much everybody hang out from the Barones to Messina's. Right. Palanos. They're all from Hoboken.

It's said that those Hoboken Italians used to get tortured by the Irish. Yeah. They were not allowed to go up by Ninth Street. They weren't allowed to pass Ninth Street to Irish. You can't tell Italian people not to walk past Ninth Street. Yeah. So they probably had so much anger that they moved up to North Bergen. And that anger got passed on to me because I grew up with them.

Yeah. But it was a pain. Now I had my own anger from being a revolutionary Cuban. That meant that my house, when you walked in, they had a picture of Fidel with blood coming out of his head next to fucking Jesus. You know? Because the pre-revolutionary Cubans hate Fidel. They were first generation. Right.

They hate Fidel. They got their shit taken from them. That's right. So they would cry. They would fucking go, we're going to kill that motherfucker. So here I had these anti, these Italians that were held back. And here I'm coming from an anti-revolutionary house. It's a perfect fucking combination in heaven.

For anger. For anger and throwing things and robbing trains and fucking lighting bowls on fire. Like a lady in our neighborhood had a little bowl in the house with goldfish. Every night we'd put liquor fire on it. And light it on fire. We'd burn the fucking goldfish. Every morning the chick had a fishing shift for breakfast. I mean, it was fucking crazy.

You know? And I learned that heart that they had. And even now, I've moved back here now to Jersey. And there's a lot of Staten Island Italians. I've been here two years. I've not heard the language of Italian. You haven't? No.

Wow. These generations didn't pass that way. No, we didn't do it. See, my mother, father, they said, hey, we're Americans now. We don't speak that language. And my mother did the same thing. They did that to me. My mother also said, outside you got to speak English because you're an American.

Right. In here, we're still Cubans. See, my kids, he's learning Italian. My daughter speaks Italian. My wife speaks Italian. All three except me. I'm the only one. I'm the only one.

You don't fucking believe that? You didn't take it to high school? Nothing like that. Yeah, but I, you know, I was terrible in high school. When I went to Bronx Community College, you know, I went to the community college, I started learning. I started applying myself to really, to better myself. Well, when I was in high school, I just wanted to fucking my own girls, you know, fuck around

with my friends, you know, it was terrible. And you went to college with your major and did you? Drama. Did you? Yes. Oh, I always wanted to be an actor. Okay. I was 11.

10, 11 years old. Because I saw, I remember my mother used to take me to the movies and I saw Marlon Brando in, you know, years, a few years after it came out, I saw it on TV. My mother showed me Marlon Brando on the waterfront, which was my best movie of all time for me. And I just always wanted to be an actor. I just always wanted to be an actor. And I wanted to write. I used to write poetry back then.

I wrote lyrics for a song, for songs. I mean, I just, I knew what I wanted to do and that was it. And you were part of a musician also? I was a singer in the band. I wasn't a musician. No, no. But I would write lyrics. I had a hit song on the 20 on the R&B charts, went to number 28, a group called, the song

was Meet the Beat. I can't remember the group. They're the old black group that did it. I just can't remember them, but RSO Records. But it went to 28. Didn't make any money. I got fucked out of it. It's all right.

You know, back then they just said, yeah, give them a fucking cheese sandwich. You know, and so I didn't do that, but no, but, but I enjoyed writing. I always wrote. I always write short stories and things. And then obviously what happened was when I, when I couldn't make it anymore, but it's everybody knows this story. I wrote Bronx Tale and my career just took off. It just exploded, you know, it just fucking exploded.

Did you see it coming? No. I wrote Bronx Tale to get an agent. I had to get an agent. I just, no, no, no, not at all. No, no. All right. I just said I got to get noticed.

I got fired. I was working at this fucking club bouncing because I ran out of money. I guess when I got to LA, I, I hit it. I mean, I got hot for about a year and a half Hill Street Blues, Dallas, you know, I did a couple of bunch of shows, I did a TV movie and then I ran out of money. I started running out of money again and finally I was working at a door and the sky comes over to me and he really slobby motherfucker. He treated me like he was, come on, don't you know who I am?

And when, when I worked at door and you told me, don't you know who I am? That's like the kiss of fucking death. I said, yeah, you're the guy who's not getting in tonight. That's who. And he goes, you'll be fired at 15 minutes. And I said, fuck you, I'll be fired 15 minutes later. The man come, the owner comes out because he, he was making a, who was it? Swiftie Lazar.

Swiftie Lazar was the biggest agent in the world. And I just told him he can't come into his own party. It was his party. That's why he wanted to get in there. And I got fired and I went home and I, in North Hollywood, I was this fucking dump. I was a shitty apartment, shitty car. And I wrote, I said, I'll write this, I'm going to write about this killing. And I just wrote five minutes of it and I performed it from my theater workshop.

And then everybody loved it. And then I would write during the week and I would perform it on Monday and people would comment. They tell them, people say what they liked, what they didn't like. And I feel, and I recorded a role on cassettes. And it was great, Joey, because I had a lot of feedback from a lot of people. You know, I was like, all right, this works, that works, this doesn't work. And after a year, I had this 90 minutes of a one man show that my friend lent me money

and my fucking career just busted like, like, I literally went from, you know, I had, I'd had credits as an actor, Broadway credits, but I didn't, and nobody knew me. And then I just, starring at the movies, you know, Robert De Niro. It was pretty crazy, man. But it was like the legend story. I turned it down, they offered me 250,000. I said, no, I want to play Sonny. I want to write the screenplay.

They said, well, no, fuck, not happening. I said, all right, forget it. Then they offered me 500. I said, no. Then they offered me $1 million, $200 in the bank, swear my mother and father. And I said, I want to play Sonny. I want to write the screenplay. And the guy said to me, we can't make this money.

We can't make this movie with you, Chas, because Pacino wanted to do a nickel. They all wanted to do it. And I said, no. And then finally two weeks later, I did the show. Did you ever see the one man show? No. No, you got to come and see it. I went on.

I did it. And I got off the stage and the guy walks over to me and he says, hey, Robert De Niro was in the address room. He just saw the show. And I said, Robert De Niro. And he goes, yeah, I went in the address room. There was Bob De Niro. And he said, man, it was a fucking one man.

He goes, you did a movie on stage. He goes, that's amazing. I said, oh, thanks, Bob. He goes, look, if you fucking sell this thing eventually, they're going to come to me anyway. So he goes, let me tell you how I feel. He goes, you should play Sonny. You should write the screenplay because it's your life. And it'll be honest.

He goes, I'll play your father and I'll direct it. And if you shake my hand, that's the way it'll be. I shook his hand and that was it, man. I took off. What are the fucking odds of that, right? So, but it was pretty incredible. It was pretty amazing. And that's what happened.

I still remember walking out of that movie. I was just getting into comedy. I got into comedy in 91. And you're searching, you know, the first year you're imitating Dice Clay. Yeah, true. You're imitating Kenison. I got no, I'm not stealing their jokes. I'm using their character.

Right. You know, you're just trying to feel your world. I'm doing Kenison one week. I'm doing Dice the other week. You're doing Eddie Murphy one week. I went back to Pride, you know, that style of, you know, talking about drugs one week, you're talking about pussy. And you know, and I used to wear a suit like Lenny Clark.

You're trying to find your voice. You have to find, it takes about two years to find your voice. So true. And I come to New York, I'm out of money in Boulder. I got divorced. I am, I'm out. I mean, I'm just out. And I call my brother, come to Seacawker, stay here.

And I start hustling in the city. And it's, I start doing spots in the city. I'm getting spots. I'm okay, you know. And one night I had nothing to do. And I went to Guttenberg to the fucking Galaxy building there on a Saturday night and I walked in to see your movie. God's honest, true.

When did that movie come out? 93 or 94. I saw it in like 93. It had to be 93. August, September, because I left New York in October. Because by watching your movie, it gave me a plan. First of all, between me and you, I was going to shoot you. Because I felt you stole my idea.

Because my mother died and I got raised by Italian. So somewhere in my- Do you know how many people have said that to me? The only people who said, I had comics, say to me. What was that comics name? I think he passed away recently. He said, you stole my fucking act. You stole my fucking act.

Big Petey, Louis Petey, Fat Joe. Don Moreira used to say that. No, it wasn't Don. It wasn't Don, because I love Don. He's great. I can't think of the guy's name. But he told people, you told that guy, I'm suing that motherfucker.

And I said, you know what? Fucking sue me, leave me alone. I mean, every Italian neighbor, there was always a fat guy, a small guy, a big guy. You know what I mean? Everybody thinks, you know, Steven Spielberg said one thing. I'll never forget it. He said, success, he goes failure, he goes success

has one father, failures is an orphan. Every movie he ever said he made, somebody fucking, they stole your idea. So you just deal with that. You go, all right, you have fucking sue me, whatever you want. But I didn't, in my mind, I wasn't gonna sue you. I just left going, this is the story I gotta tell.

This is the type of comic I have to be. I have to tell my story from a sympathetic way. It's such a great movie because it's got so much heart at the end when he meets Joe Pesci and that whole thing. I mean, the movie has so many fucking things. But when I left that movie, I didn't have a car, got no reason to lie to him, but I didn't have a car. I probably had eight dollars in my pocket and I walked home

going, now I have a direction. Jesus, really? I have a direction where to take this. I know that what I have in my heart, the story I have in my heart to tell is gonna work from watching your story. When I became a comic, I was dirty, I was older, so nobody really dug me. But I always knew in the back of my mind,

if I got a chance to tell my story, I'm gonna eat these motherfuckers up alive. I gotta tell my story and how it connects and what happened. As soon as I, I used to watch those boxing things inside the HBO, you know, inside before somebody's gonna fight. Right, yeah, 24, 24, 24, 7, 24, 7. I might hate you, Dante.

I'm talking about Dante, I might hate you, Dante. But I watched, I'm gonna bet your father against you in that fight. But because that show showed me your house, it showed me your wife, it showed me your child, it showed me your pool, it's not just you. I'm gonna kill him, my right's a great punch, I'm a bad Italian stallion, no.

I got to see the real Dante. So I always knew if I could open my heart up and that's what happened with you. You got to open what was in your heart and then the fucking, and you gotta stop the calls. Oh my God. You gotta stop the calls. Together, I ain't got a heart, I lied.

You know what, no, I don't know nothing. I'm a little peaty. If you say, right, if you say, I don't know nothing about little peaty, when you say this, when this comes into the whole thing and you put it on the stage, that's it. And there's a difference between killing,

like making people laugh. Right. And the difference between leaving your heart on stage. Jesus Christ, when you leave your heart, and that's why I can't do comedy no more. Cause I'm 60, I'm gonna die. When I go on stage, it's like I tell a joke now. I didn't realize this until I moved back to Jersey.

When we were kids, I want you to think about this. We look at your son, we were kids. We didn't go out to play. We went out to die. Yeah. When we were 12, we went out to die because your friend said to you, I got to go cart with no brakes.

Go, come on. Yes. We're going downhill. Yes, yes. Nobody was allergic to peanuts. There was no elbow braces. You know, right. We went out to die.

You know, people say, what is the difference of friendship today as a friendship when we grew up? And here's what I say. Cause I really, I kind of dissected it one day. I was thinking about it because somebody was, I had to speak about it on a show. I was working, I did a thing with Michael Francis

and who I love. You've seen his podcast. Michael Francis, who was with the Colombo family. Who's just wonderful and brilliant. He's got a great podcast. And he, I was a guest on his podcast. He became a guest on my podcast. But anyway, I said to him once,

I said the difference, Michael, is what is the essence of what makes people remember each other forever as friends? Combat. You could be in a war with a guy. Think about that. And then maybe you don't see him for 20 years. But if you were in Vietnam with him

or if you were in World War II, when you see each other, there's a fucking brotherhood there. You were in war together. Okay, so take that down a few levels, obviously. A lot of levels. When we grew up in the street, just like you said, when your friends, we were like fucking brothers.

We bled for each other. We fucking died for each other. We fought for each other. It was no online play date. It was like, walk down the street. You had 20 fucking guys. You hung out together. Hey, this crew's coming here.

Fuck that crew. You know, and you fought together. It was like a brotherhood. So that's what cemented our friendship. I'm still friends with all these guys for 20, 40 years. We have dinner once a year, every year. We have dinner in my house. Once a year.

A lot of guys all passed on now, but that was the difference, Joey. The kids today, they don't have that, Joey. I've noticed since I've been back in Jersey that the friendships I developed 40 years ago were still friends. You're still friends? There you go.

But 40 years has passed. Yes. Between us, and I could see that. But when we get on the phone, it's like nothing, it's like frickin' frack again. You know, it's a really brilliant thing, and that's why I moved here, because I wanted my daughter to have that.

Yes. In California, she would've never had that growing up. They'd just come and go and count. They'd come and go. Here, like I said, she's a very, she's a different child because of the shit she's made. The friends she's made. But how great is that?

That's what your job is, as a father, is to give your children a life. Is to make them, to give them, to show them, hey man, there's more than this than out there. You know what I mean? I try to protect my children. I try to do as best as I can, but I try to teach them the street, too,

as much as I could. But obviously, they didn't have the life that we have, but I'm good that they did, and that's good. So let them learn it a little later, and that's okay by me. That's how I feel, you know? You know, look at my daughter. I said the other night on stage,

my daughter's nine, she got no fuckin' resume. None. Right. She knows how to play softball. That's it. When I was nine, I ran numbers. Exactly. You look out, you know what I'm sayin'?

You a look out. I was a look out. I went to the Bronx on Saturday, and you think, like, when I would tell my mom, my mom, Saturday, I want you to drive me to Little League. Ain't no Little League. Lewis is paying you $50 to run numbers and get sandwiched for the guys on Saturday.

And if the number hits, you get fuckin' 75. You know, that's what I did in the Bronx, and they switch operations every week. Gotta go to different addresses. Exactly. Fuckin' tremendous. I will never, I cannot be mad at my mother for that lifestyle.

Right. I mean, when he was nine years old, almost 10, because I was almost 10. I looked at him, and I looked at my wife, and I said, Joel, just look at Dante. I said, I was that age when I saw that man kill a man. I said, if that happened to him right now, I would be devastated.

Devastated. You know, I was 15. I was 15, and this guy, he's dead now. Little Sally ran a fuckin' pool joint, you know, on top of the card games. And I would go up there, and he'd go, hey, come here, give me some cigarettes, go. And I would go get us some sandwiches at Butch's Dully.

I would go get sandwiches. And finally, they would give me tips. And one of them, he looked at me, I'm 15, Joel, he goes, he goes, they see, call me, see, he goes, I see, you want a tip or you want one of the girls? And I was like, what? He said, no, no, no, you know. He goes, oh, I'll never forget her name.

My name was Foxy. Foxy! Foxy, come here. Take care of the kid. Just like that, I'll never forget it. And I was like, I just looked at him and he said, no, no, go ahead, go ahead. I mean, I walked in, right?

You know, and she, I'll never forget it, you know? She took care of me, of course, right? Fuck a man, every day I'm going back. Yo, Butch, what were you, you want to say what you're saying? You want anything to say? My treat. Don't worry about it, my treat. I was fuckin' back there every day.

I never forgot it, man, every day. Now you go to jail? Oh, yeah. Throw that chicken jail? I was 15! I have a little kid around the corner, he's like six, and he's always bugging me, but I see him looking at women.

And I told the mother, I go, you see this kid? He looks at women when they walk by, she goes, I know. She goes, last time when he was four, he used me as a wingman. She both talked to a chick, so I know he's already thinking of women, so I asked him the one, they go, how's that happen doin'? He's like, huh?

He didn't even know what the fuck I was talkin' about, so I go, let me leave it there. Yeah. Because this is 2020, I had a guy at my mother's bars, and his name was Arnaudo. Yeah. Arnaudo Ducampo, a fat little Cuban dude, there was a daily bookmaker.

Right. And every day he'd say, Coco, come here, you pissin' sweet yet? Why? Why you pissin' sweet yet? Because in Cuban the term is madusic, is you're piss sweet yet? Whoa.

And I would go, what the fuck are you talkin' about? And then he'd always say, Joey, Coco, you get your dick sucked yet? And I would go, what are you talkin' like? From the time I was seven. Right. You're gonna go to jail for that today. I went to the bar, oh yeah,

where are you under the fucking jail? Under the fucking jail. And he's sitting in front of my mother, I'm like, Antonio, you dick suck today, leave me alone, you know what I'm sayin'. And I'm not feelin' what I was like, 17 once, I saw him at a bar, right, in Union City, and I'm like, I'm not gonna get my hug.

And he's telling me, like, he goes, you look good. He goes, you're jerkin' off. Oh. And I'm like, I don't know. Oh, man. I'm 17, now he's at this bar, and he's in a chair. All right, and he's talkin' to me that there's stools.

You know, like Mike's got a stool. And they're all on the bar, and he's talkin' to me and my, cause Union City, right there was where we catch the bus to go into Manhattan. Right. So right by Union City is a post office. It's the last stop on that side of the fucking tunnel.

So I would go to 29th, get a hot dog, from the sat break guy there, and then take the bus into the city. So I forget the name of that bar. I went in there and he's in there in the afternoon, you know. And he goes, you're jerkin' off, you look good. He goes, you gotta jerk off. He goes, I'm married 30 years, I jerk off every day.

And he was sitting in a chair like this. And he goes, I go home, I'm not away from my wife to take a shower, and when she's in there, I start fucking, ah, and he's doin' this. Like, he's livin', he's goin', ah, ah-ee, ah-ee. And he's just, he ain't jerkin' off, but he's goin' through the noises. And he's goin', ah-ee, ah-ee, and he goes,

and I switch hands, and then I do a cappuccino. And then when I come, he goes, bah! And he just jumped back with it, the chair went down, and he's like, bah, bah, bah, bah! That's the explosion between his legs. I'm like, what the fuck are you talkin' about? And then when I was 13, I was swappin' spit with a girl in my room.

And my mother, Cuban mother would say, cause I'm talkin' you gotta leave the fuckin' door open. You gotta leave the door, and you know, when you're 13. Right, right, right. You try to crack it, you try to, but the door is fuckin' open, and there's an inch, I mean, open, I wanna hit her, blow it! You know, my mom was one of those, so.

So she came home one day with her nod on, my stepfather, they were gonna barbecue, and I'm in the bedroom with him, so they go, shut up. We gotta find out what he's doin' out there. So our nod goes, I got it. So he got to ladder, and he puts it at the side of the building, and I hear something, I'm dry humping to the earth when the fire, fuckin'.

You know, I'm just, there was no sex. There was no, not even a tit. We were in the sixth grade, just dry humping. And all of a sudden I hear, boom, boom, I'm like, what the fuck? All of a sudden I hear, boom, ah! The fuckin' ladder went down, he broke his leg, they had to take him to the hospital.

I go, what the fuck happened there? They tried to hide it from me, I'm not those walkin' up the stairs to see what you were gonna fuckin' do. But it's funny how those are the characters that we talk about in our lives, those are the characters we talk about. You can't make those people up.

You can't make this shit up. You can't make those people up, you know, Eddie Musch. That was Eddie Musch in the movie in Bronx Tale. That was Eddie Musch. He was, you know, Bob said, we gotta go find this fuckin' guy, and we went up to my neighborhood, and we kissed Eddie Musch in Bronx Tale.

That's it. This fuckin' guy, he was so bad luck that the bookmakers would not take his bed, no more. Now you would say, why wouldn't they take his bed? He always lost. I'll tell you the reason why. Because all the fuckin' guys would wait to see who he bet,

and they would bet the other way. So the book, he was killin' the fuckin' bookmakers. They said, Eddie, you can't fuckin', you can't, we can't take your fuckin' action no more. This is how bad this fuckin' guy was. No, it was Musch passed. Musch passed. Now, hold on one second.

If we get another Bronx Tale 2, Musch is gonna be Lee. Do you know that motherfucker called me, and he's like, God damn it. Out of nowhere, he calls me like at eight o'clock. God damn it, God damn it. I'm like, Lee, what? He goes, you motherfucker.

He goes, I wanna bet the Celtics tonight, but you always tell me I'm Musch, so I bet the Sixers. Oh, you told him that? No, we, since we saw the movie, we've been calling him Musch. Oh, God. We say that is the original,

I can't even, I don't even wanna, when that decision you were to see, I mean, want him on my phone call, because that call, that wire, is bad luck. I mean, want him on the line. That was like that, he was like that. I would not talk to him before I put a bet in, I mean, wanna hear his bets,

because they're gonna fuck my thinking up. If he would tell me, I'm like, the Celtics tonight, that's it, I'm not even going on Dragon. Musch was so bad, he always tells his story, and it's true story, you say, nah, come on, Chas, you exaggerate. He had two horses that finished first that he bet.

One, Jockey fell off 10 yards before the fucking finished life. So he disqualified, once you fall off, because he, Jockey, he got hit, Jockey fell, fell off the horse. The other one was Trotters. Yonkers, Trot, horse gets a fucking heart attack and dies halfway around.

And you would say, bullshit, bullshit. I'll tell you another, okay, when Musch died, a friend of our lady at Moncomel church, okay, when he came out, we all, people went to the funeral. When he came out, they carried the fucking coffin, they put the coffin in the hearse, Joey, a fucking flat on the hearse.

So now, they can't, you know, jack it up, but thank God, it was Joe Boddy, funeral Paul, they had another hearse. They had to come there, bring that one, they took the hearse, everybody in the front of church is going, you fucking believe this? Even in death. And on his tombstone, it says,

Eddie Musch Montanero, the original Bronx tale. You know what, I love doing it for him because he made a guy famous, you know? And he did. And these guys made us famous. Yes, they did. I was talking about him. Fucking bullshit.

By us fucking talk. I have a friend that I grew up with, he's past, Buck Wilde, Italian kid, Darren Rago, five foot six, 200 pounds, bodybuilder. You know, he came to my house, and he goes, can I tell you a secret? I go, yeah, he goes, hold on one second. He starts doing push-ups.

Why are you doing push-ups? He takes his shirt off, he goes, I'm on steroids in high school. So this went on for years. And then, you know, his mother died and everything got fucked up. And he got fucked up with the drugs. So one night I'm talking to a buddy, my mic,

he asks Elise, and he goes, I gotta tell you a Darren story. I go, what? He goes, Darren came to Hoboken. You know, he was working at this club called Shooters' Galleria. He goes, Darren came down on some meal. The buzz went off, like an alarm. He goes, I see Darren, but I don't think, you know,

I go, Darren, how you doing? And he goes, I see Darren. And he goes, I forget all about Darren, there's an alarm. Something's going on in the building, like a fight or something. So he goes, people are running around. I don't know what happened. He goes, Darren comes over, no shirt on, and a disco in the club.

And he gives him a 20, but it's ripped. He goes, Darren, he goes, Mike, give me a drink. He goes, Darren, the 20's ripped. How's that ripped? He goes, just give me a fucking drink. You know, we grew up together. Mike gives him a drink. He goes, he took the 20.

And he asked him for Scott's tape. He goes, you got any Scott's tape? Mike goes, I'll get it. Come back in 10 minutes. He goes, within 10 minutes, guess who comes down? The bathroom attendant. He's bleeding from everywhere. Darren jacked them up in the bathroom for Coke money.

The reason why the bills were ripped, because the guy was holding on to his money, and Darren ripped the fucking money from him. You know, those people, they don't make them no more. They don't make them no more. They don't want to make those people no more. Characters like that, there was this fucking legendary story my name with this guy, Mike.

He was a tough guy, tattoos all over him. But this is, you know, early 60s. And they said, you know, we heard that Mike is gay. I said, no, get the fuck out of here. They said, I'm telling you this guy's hanging around. People, the neighborhood's talking about Mike's gay. I said, no, I said, you sure? And everybody starts talking about it.

So I'm on a fucking, I'm on Florida road once. I got to get up to Alexander's, where Alexander's was, I'm waiting for the bus. And it's raining like crazy. The car pulls up in a green 61 Mustang. I'll never forget it. And he goes, yo, Chas, come on in. He goes, I'll give you a lift.

Where you going? I said, I'm going up to Alexander's on Florida road. He goes, come on, I'll give you a lift. It's pouring. In my mind, I'm going, yeah, it's all right. I know the guy from the neighborhood. So I get in the fucking car, he's older than me. So we're driving up and he goes, fuck, man, you hear that?

I go, hear what? Subs with the car. So he pulls over and he pulls over by the botanical gardens. You know, he pulls over on a side street. Not in my mind, I'm going, nah, can't be, right? So he gets out of the fucking car, opens up the fucking hood,

and he's standing there with his hand on the hood like this, looking down at the engine. I wait one minute, two minutes, three minutes. I go, what the fuck's he doing? So I get out of the car, I go, hey, Mike, what's going on? He goes, could I blow you? I went, what? He goes, could I blow?

I said, what the fuck? I said, are you fucking crazy? And this was a tough fucking guy. I said, oh my, I said, what the fuck I'm gonna do? I said, this guy might kick my fucking ass and force me. So I said, hey, pal, take me to fuck home. I said, no, just get, he goes, oh, I swear to God, I'm sorry, don't tell anybody, don't tell anybody.

He goes, just get back in the car, drop your fuck down. I get back in the car, he goes, listen, don't just tell anybody. I said, all right, I couldn't write this. I'm getting out of the car, right? He goes, Chas, please don't tell nobody. I said, I won't. He goes, I'm sorry, man.

He goes, there's only two things I'd like to do in this world, fight and suck. I said, all right, Mike, well, listen, man, I appreciate that. Thanks for telling me that. I got out of the fucking car. I couldn't write a scene like that. What are the fucking odds that, and he was a tough guy,

a fucking tough, but he was gay. But nobody would say nothing because I said, I ain't telling nobody. And I didn't until finally it came out. Everybody knew that. Oh my God. Since you said something before, I want to ask you to see what you're hearing.

Cause I just caught the tail end of it. What is going on with Mikey franchise and Sammy? What is what? What's going on with Mikey franchise and Sammy? And salmon. No, I don't. Sammy. Oh, Sammy.

They're at war. Yeah. Something happened. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened, but I did this thing with him. But I wasn't, obviously I wasn't in the middle when they were there, but I heard they just had some bad words with each other.

I don't know. I don't know what happened because I wasn't there when they filmed it. But I don't know. I really don't know. Yeah, it's not good. It's been on a lot. They've been fighting.

I don't know what it's about. I just saw a clip that Sammy said, that was it. Sammy's doing a good job with the podcast. I know you would. He's a good storyteller. Yeah, he is a good. And it's real is real. Yeah, he's real.

I'm happy that he's doing a podcast. I think he's shooting a movie. Yeah, I think if I had to, if I had to guess, and this is truly a guess, I think there's some animosity between them because Sammy feels like he's a, he's a, he's a gangster. And Michael was a racketeer where it was a difference where Michael, you know, I, so I think

there's some resentment there. I could be wrong. So I really don't know really what happened, but I don't know Sammy. I never met Sammy, but I know Michael really well. In fact, him and I are going to do a podcast together, our own podcast, aside from my own, but he's just a fucking great guy.

I love the guy. And I think he's a standup guy, man. He really is, man. It's a real sad. He's a great storyteller, great storyteller and real smart. And you know, he's really like a guy who, who gives his heart. He's a born again Christian, comes from a great family.

Like you said, 24 seven, you see a man, how he operates, how he lives. And I see how he lives, you know, he talks to talk, but he walks the walk, man, this guy. So again, I don't know what's going on between them. And I can't speak for Sammy cause I don't know Sammy at all. But I know Michael and Michael is just a great guy. Just a standup solid guy, man.

Definitely, definitely. But it's kind of weird, Joey. Do you find that weird? I mean, you gotta admit it, Joey. You have a podcast, I have a podcast. Sammy the Bull, 19 murders, has a podcast. I mean, do you find, and I find that you've like, wow. Like this country, no matter what you do,

you got a shot to make it somehow. Think about that. He did his time. He did his time. He did more than enough time. Yes. He did time for his son and the whole thing. Yeah.

And if you know anything about Sammy, he's fucking very smart. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, did you read his book? No, I did not. If you read his, I mean, listen, a situation arose where I was thinking of doing a podcast with Sammy. Right.

And then I had to think about my world. And I think about the people. I mean, people have forgotten about it, but some people have. That's what I heard. Is that true? And well, you know, it's just some people feel like, you know, and how good my mother died,

the Italians were for me there for me. I can't tell you how many times. So in my heart, I felt like if I did a project like that, I would spit in the faces of the people who helped me because that's their culture and that's their beliefs. And that's the only reason why I wouldn't do it. Really? I think Sammy, I think Sammy read it,

but I think he had his reasons why he read it. It wasn't the first thing on his mind. I think he was a real wise guy. Oh, no question. That everything was played against him for him to rat. But, you know, I was in the roof and business and a construction 10 costs $200 in Colorado, a construction 10 in New York,

the same 10 costs $2,000. And that was because of the mafia tax. That's, you know, nobody could build anything in 1985. Right. We didn't talk to Sammy. You know, John Gotti was the boss of the Gambino's, but nothing got done. The guy ran construction projects.

I talked to an FBI guy at Jiu-Jitsu and he's gonna find out for me. When I told him his face went white, he's never gonna tell me the truth. Sammy was so businessy that part of his deal was the feds collecting his loan shark payments. Really? They'll deny it.

Everybody will deny it. But people in Brooklyn will tell you. I believe it. For about six or seven months. I believe it. That's how much of a businessman he is. I believe that. When they paid off the juror,

he's the one that told them to pay him in segments because the guy can slip on his neck and break his neck. And we already gave him 60 grand. Why do that? Let's pay. He's a very good money guy. So you can actually say he was a gangster and a racketeer. And a racketeer.

Yeah. I mean, you actually can say that. He had a company for everything. A construction company, a painting company. He had a construction. And then what he'd do is, you know, again, this is Sammy. He blocks them, the business, he give you a shot. Sammy, let's open up a painting store.

The place starts making money. You're dead. He ain't paying you. So he killed most of his partners. Most of those 19 people were partners. No way. Architects. And anybody who did something for him, he iced.

He iced DB, Dibetetto, he fucking, that guy owed him 200,000 now. That guy owned all the great, the tire shop. So he would kill his partners. He would kill his partners. And then take the business. That's not too cool. He fucking killed his brother-in-law.

That's right. He killed his fucking brother-in-law. That's what I heard. He said, when he said, when he was in the coffin, I remember that. I saw that podcast. He said, look what you made me do, you motherfucker. And then supposedly he cut the hand off,

so he couldn't find the body. And one day he was in the house and the dog brought the hand in from the backyard, a dog. He killed his wife's brother over money. He fucking, you know, he did so many things, like he was on the outs with Paul Castellano for a long time because he was fucking iced. He killed the people from the casino.

What's that place in Brooklyn? You remember it? The Gemini? The snow. The Plaza Lounge. The Plaza Lounge. He shot the guy in the eyeball. The guy came in, paid him the three million.

He was gonna take over the club. Sammy killed him before he could take over the club. I'm telling you, the guy was a fucking, but what happened was, like, when he went into the FBI, a lot of people don't know about this. He went into the FBI and he ratted. And he ratted so well. He was so articulate, even though he was retarded.

No, he's not retarded, but even though he's got, like, dyslexia, he was so professional. They fell in love with him. So people would come in that wanted a turn and they'd go, yeah, me and Sammy did this. And they'd look at each other and go, get him out of here.

He's lying. That's how much they love Sammy. So 10 people flipped and would say, I sold drugs with Sammy and they'd go get him out of here. Sammy never sold drugs. And then finally they got together and they'd go, dog, how can 11 people walk in here and say they were moving quailudes with Sammy?

So they had to go back to Sammy. And how they nailed Sammy was the last time was the Iceman. The Iceman made those tapes. Right. And he said, he goes, one time Gravano came up to me to kill a cop when he signed with the FBI. They said, the only way we'll take you is if you didn't kill a cop.

Have you killed a cop or a person? He did kill a cop? He's killed, he paid somebody to kill a cop. Wow. In Brunham County. Wow. So yeah, so Sammy was a smart dude. You know, I mean, and I think the podcast will do great.

Oh yeah. Well, his people will look at that. People, you know, his podcast does his podcast, does the great. He's a great story. He's a great story. He's a good on Patreon. Yeah.

I think he's shooting a movie. Right. You know, anybody could listen. The great thing about this country is everybody gets a second chance. I got locked up. Yeah. I thought my life was dead.

You get a second, if you really want it. If you really want it, I agree with you. If you make a mistake, Mike Tyson made a mistake. Let's talk about Mike Tyson. This guy didn't punch a guy in the face. Right. This guy didn't beat up bikers in the Bronx. This guy raped a woman.

Okay. Have you ever seen Mike when he gets on a plane? The first people taking pictures of him are white women. Yeah. You see Mike in an airport? Yeah. Everybody loves Mike. Yeah.

Everybody loves Mike. Everybody loves Mike Tyson. This guy did one of the worst things you could do in life. Right. We live in a country. He came back. He came back. You have to come back.

You know, arm. What's that expression? Your arm and your fucking, you know, be humble. And you know, Michael Vick, kind of. Kind of. They're still mad. Kind of, yeah. Kind of.

He fucked with white people's main thing. Dogs. You don't do that. Don't do that. But Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson came to see my one man show, Joey, and he cried. I believe it. Chuck Zito brought him.

Yeah, I believe it. He cried and he brought him again. And he came over to me. And one thing I got to say about Mike, and I met Mike a bunch of times. And he said to me, you know, you really inspire me to do that, to do a one person show.

And nobody said this to me. A lot of people have said that when they saw my show. They say, you would inspire me to do it. Nobody ever fucking does it. They say it. Nobody ever does. One of the hardest things in the world is to write a one man show.

You know that. All of a sudden, I hear he's doing it. He goes on fucking Broadway. Spike Lee's directing it. I see the show. It's fucking great. And I said to him, I always told myself, let me tell you something, Mike Tyson.

You fucking did it. I respect you more for that than even all your fights because nobody could fucking do what you did. He said he was gonna do it. He wrote it. He put his heart out there. Videos, custom out of all his life.

It was fucking great. It was great. And he did a great job, man. And he did it. I respect the guy. I love him to death. He's a great guy. I like the guy a lot.

And this country's good with that. Like now that David implemented cancel culture. Right. I don't even respect it. You know, you have Mike Tyson. He went in front of a judge. Right. A judge sentenced him.

I went in front of a judge. He sentenced me. Right. Who the fuck are you to sentence me? Who the fuck are you to sentence me? Right. You can't judge me. He went to fight.

And for people, and the people that are doing it are people that are saying they're woke. So you're woke, but you don't believe in a second chance. I believe in a second chance. You gotta take everything from a guy and make him a virus because you say a girl 12 years ago.

Now I sympathize for her. I have a daughter, I understand. Absolutely. But you can't come back from 20 fucking years ago. There's a different time. We don't know what's going on. Well, Chris Knott walked into a restaurant. He grabbed my ass.

He was Chris Knott, bitch. He was on Sex in the City. I'm sure you didn't smile at him or nothing. But why would you, see what bothers me is I don't like you come back 15, 20 years ago. Can't. Can't.

I mean, because I think about when I was single. Okay, I didn't do anything like that. But when you're a single guy, you come on to a girl. As long as you're doing like a gentleman, what, well, he was inappropriate what he said. Look, I was fucking coming on to you. I was fucking 22 years old. What the fuck you want from me?

Now, time out. He was an appropriate what he said. Now ladies, how many guys come up to you on a daily basis and say, can I have your number and you're like, I'm flattered, but I don't want to. Or I can, we walked on a date and you're flattered, but you don't want to.

Don't you want a guy to come up to you and say, cause I'm no handsome guy. But whenever I said this line, it was to go. First man who talks loses. How about we go back to my place. I got a grandma coke and I'll suck your fucking uterus out. You don't say nothing after that. You just look at the bar and you turn them on.

Oh, Jesus. If they follow you, you got to hit her. If they don't follow you, everybody goes their own way. I had a friend, an Italian kid with blue eyes. Guy got more pussy than anybody. I saw him when he was 17, pick up a girl on the beach and take her under the boardwalk. And they came back holding hands, whistling.

And they fucked in 69 under the seaside boardwalk. And I said, enough with this shit. I got to listen to what this motherfucker's following girls. He's Indian. He was Italian, but his mother had a little bit of Indian in him. So when he got drunk, he got a box. So he would tell women, like, and his eye would roll. He went, I'm gonna fucking suck every pubic hair out of your pussy.

Girls want to hear that. They don't want to hear that I'm gonna take you to dinner. I have insurance. I got a 401k. Oh, God. You don't want to hear that. You want to hear, you're going to suck my asshole till you smell my liver.

That's a thing. I'm going to smell your fucking. I'm going to put my asshole right in your fucking nose in your ass, or I'm going to smell your liver. You tell that to a chick, she'll look at you. And at first, it's like this sexual harassment, but it sounds like fun. It sounds like fun.

This sounds like fucking Disneyland here. So you don't really know how to. I know that's the only thing that works for me. When I went up to a woman as a gentleman, they didn't want to talk to me. I'd like to take you out. No, I have to admit, I was always a gentleman. Yeah, you've got to be a gentleman.

I have to. But after a while, you're 30. You're like enough with, you know, when a girl's 20. I want a guy that's dark and, you know, he smells like Colombo and the bitch is 30. He could be a little chubby, could be missing a tooth. Well, the standards drop a little bit. The standards keep dropping as you get older,

because that fucking prince ain't showing up to your house. You know what I'm saying? When they're young, when they're in their early 20s, they're like the handsome guy with the six packs. But as they get older, they go, oh, this guy just wants to bang me. This older guy here is going to take care of me a little bit. And that's why I won't talk to young girls. Yeah, no.

Like, listen, I didn't like, when I was 18, I still like 29-year-old women. Right. I didn't want to hear that chitter chatter. You cry, you take a Catholic girl home, she gives you a tip. You got to walk home and pat her the whole way. She's crying. These Irish chicks, they cry on the way home.

And I love Irish chicks, you know that. Right, right, right. I love Italian women, but they yell too much. They yell too much. They yell. The Irish chicks like me because I'm their father. Irish women have crazy dads. That's true.

They beat the kids. They drink. Call them cocksuckers. They drink. They drink. So the only women who ever wanted to have anything to do with me was Irish chicks. I'm cool to Irish chicks.

They're like, he's OK. He's like my dad. Right, wow. Even my wife says it to me. She's like, he's becoming my dad. Oh, god. Shit. I love Irish women.

Yeah, they got dirty feet. They got that little dirt on the heel, you know what I'm saying? Like when you go to the park, and what was the porno chick on 42nd Street? When we were kids, you'd go in there, space land, sex land. Sex land. You went in there, the thing opened up, and you put your head in the thing, and you would suck the tip for like a quarter. But if you didn't put a quarter in the slot, the thing shut on your window.

I have a friend, Paris. He's a cop in San Diego. And the eighth grade, we play hooky, went over to sex land. The window caught him. We walked out like we didn't know nothing. We just walked out. It was a circle with rooms. Right.

A guy would walk out, Dante Tremendous, and a guy would come in with a bucket with hot water, and you're free to go in there, and your feet would be sticky and shit on the way in there. Oh, god. And it'd be like, I would take the bus into the city, and I'd come out of Port Authority, maybe quarter to eight, and I would see the Hasidic Jews walking into sex land. That's right.

By the fucking dozens. Yeah. And at 8 a.m., it was the chicks that were hooking, and they're just coming in just for one last $20. So it would be like a rotating stage. It'd be like a rotating stage, and this chick would be on heroin, and she'd be passed out, and there'd be some guy like banging her. And you're like sitting there like, what the fuck is going on?

What's happened with my life? But I'm in here. I might as well bang one out, you know what I'm saying? And then there's a little ugly chick walking around from window to window. Do you want to suck my tit for a dollar? Do you want to suck because you have that little hood so you could stick your head in just like kids when you're in the eighth grade, you know? You live in like a doctor.

That's living in New York, man. That's the New York fucking experience. That's the New York experience. You're right, man. You're fucking right. So he tells me, he goes, you know, dad, you should have brought. I mean, you know, we should have bring something to Joey. We were going to his house.

I said, well, we can't stop now. It's too fucking late. I don't want to be so late. I go, yeah, I should have brought him like I should. Next time I come, I said, I'm going to get him some Cuban rums. I'm really. He goes, he goes, Cuban rums. You don't want no fucking rums.

He was giving us a fucking weed. I said, I'm not giving him no fucking. I can't do that. It's terrible. You don't smoke. No, I don't. I did. You did.

Oh, wait. Oh, years ago, my thing was LSD. I loved LSD. Mike, my city. Yeah, my thing is LSD. But I'm older than you. But when I took LSD in the late 60s, we used to have a. It was really fucking strong.

Joey, we used to go. I was in a band, you know, had a long hair down here. So we used to go to this guy's house. You all walk in. He goes, all right, guys, I made some good shit today. You have you have an eyedropper like, you know, you go like this. Stick out your tongues. We roll stick out of tongues.

He goes, then we all go. All right, man. We pay him, walk out of there. So the thing about LSD, you know, was like, this is it for 12 hours, eight to 12 hours. This is it. There ain't no coming down, mother fucker, coming back. There ain't no coming back.

This was it. He didn't know that I took a drug till he was about 22 years old. He used to ask me growing up. Dad, come on, you never fucking smoke pot. I go, never, never. When he was 22, finally, when I was starting writing this book that I wrote, then I started coming out. I said, I wanted to wait till he was older because I didn't want to give him

permission at that age. You know what I mean? But but no, I was LSD. We used to spike each other, Joey, me and my friends. We used to spike each other. We could we'd never eat in front of each other. We'd never eat because I wouldn't. And I was I was one of the last guys to get fucking spiked.

So I'm sitting around my friend, Timmy Knapp. God rest his soul. I said, Timmy, we got to spike the guys. I said, but what is a food that nobody couldn't resist? And he goes, I don't know. He was, should we get much like a notch too big? He goes, Oreos, Oreo crackers. So we get Oreo crackers, Joey.

So he's like there. I'm over here just like this. So I said, he goes, do you want a trip? I said, I don't want a trip. He goes, all right, let's just spike him. I said, OK, he goes, but I want to eat some. I go, it's very simple. The good piles here, the bad piles there.

That's the bad pile. That's the good pile. I said, we take out of the good pile. So we're doing like we I'm getting the purple purple haze was the was the fucking acid. And we grind, we smashed it all up a powder form. We'll go like this. Open up the Oreo cookie, right?

So we are putting in the bad pile. So fucking bad, you know this. So he ain't looking. I'm putting some of the bad ones in the good pile. I'm throwing them in like I'm throwing them in, right? So he's going like this. He's taken from the good pile. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, goodbye.

He goes, hey, Chas, this shit goes through your hands. I said, what are you talking about, Timmy? He goes, he goes, man, I feel like I'm fucking. You know, you get that foot in your mouth. And he goes, I said, Timmy, come on, stop it. That's the good pile. That's the bad pile. He goes, I keep throwing shit in the fucking.

He goes, what the fuck? He goes, something's going on. I can't fucking believe it. I'm tripping. I go, you can't be tripping. He goes, please tell me you fucking spiked me, please. I said, all right, I fucking spiked you. But he goes, oh, thank God.

He thought he was losing his fucking mind. So I took some of the fucking bad ones. And I said, all right, you happy now? Look, so we both started tripping. We waited till all the guys come in. So everything's on top of the fucking, right? Oreo cookies. Every guy walks in, just like I said, Joey.

Hey, every guy's grabbing up, taking a while. I'm saying, we're fucking laughing, right? Not going to open the door. It's the fucking super of the building. Older guy, back then he must have been like 50. He walks in, he goes, how are you guys doing? Everything all right? You guys are OK?

I said, yeah, we're OK. He goes, oh, he goes, can I have a couple? So everybody's standing there. So what the fuck are you going to? We go, yeah, yeah, go ahead. He takes a fucking couple, make a long story short. We're like, holy shit, fucking Bill Bailey. His name was Bill Bailey.

Bill Bailey took the fucking Oreos. What was somebody like? Now we told everybody they were all fucking laughing. They're pissed off at us, but we're all laughing. We find out that Bill Bailey was power walking by the Bronx Zoo. He was walking like this. I mean, but my thing was, we used to take that.

I love that shit. I got three hits in the drum. No, yeah, no. Joey, they would have to take me to the hospital right now. If I ever took it now, seriously, I can't do it, Joey. We'll take three hits and we'll have your sun dry. We'll go down the shore, we'll go down to Point Pleasant, jump up and down.

I would say, take me to the fucking hospital because shoot me up with Dorazine and just let me fucking rest. Let me tell you something. If you took this, you'd be disappointed. It's not what we were getting. It's three hours. Three hours.

Oh, this was 12, eight to 12. This is three hours, maybe a two-hour lapse afterward where you see like a streak or something. You feel something scratching your neck, but it's not what we were getting. I used to look in the mirror. I used to look in the mirror. Everything melts.

Everything melts. I used to go, that's right. I used to grab my nose and it was like, right off my face, my eyes. I remember sitting in a chair. I remember when I went to this party once. It was like nine o'clock at night. I'm sitting in the chair.

The time was right there, it was at nine o'clock. I went, oh, fuck, nine o'clock. All right, man, come on, we got a great part. I look up, I see the ceiling go like this. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Fucking breathing. And I went, yeah, man, that's cool. All of a sudden I look down,

and all of a sudden I turn back and look at the clock. It's fucking two in the morning. I said, how the fuck did that happen? Before I was fly, they fly. I was fly. I was fly. The ceilings where the things would fall from. Yeah.

I don't know, one time, that's the same thing. They take the popcorn, they go like that, and then if a thing happens to fall, you start thinking the whole roof is gonna fucking fall down. But you, you get these fucking things. It was like, and sex was like off the fucking charts. You know, that was like when you and the girl both did it. Yeah, I never found the girl that could do that shit.

I was doing, I was doing the double barrel sunshine. Sunshine, yeah. Brown dot. The brown dot, window pane. I did for the stones and far and in Philadelphia, I wouldn't leave the whole town room. I was like the kid in the apocalypse, no, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go.

And they're like, you gotta go, it's gonna be okay. Yeah, no, that shit was. That's good shit, I like it. Yeah, I will forget that. How about mushrooms? Never did mushrooms. Give me diarrhea. Never did mushrooms.

It was like, they give me diarrhea. I couldn't do much, I just never did it, I just. And the pot today is too fucking strong. And the pot today is strong. Too strong, too strong. Really? Violently strong. Stronger than what we had.

Yeah, we were smoking Mexican gold, red, 18. No, maybe. Black Dungey. Black Dungey, maybe 14%. This shit now is 37, 40. They have that shit, you could smoke with a fucking blow torch, I don't do none of that stuff. I just smoke pot, that's it, I can't,

I don't drink no more. No, I haven't gotten high since the seventies, man. I mean, I just said, boom, that was it. I just don't do anything, man. But I remember this guy came in, I was living in St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands with the band, and the guy said, hey, I got some opium. I said, opium.

He says, yeah, wanna smoke some opium? I said, I don't know, I never smoked opium before. He goes, and we're all sitting around rolling. We said, yeah, let's give it a shot, it's all right. So I said, anything you wanna tell me? He goes, yeah, where you smoke it, that's where you'll be. And I went, oh, I said, come on, I said, I fucking, we get high, I said, give me the fuck, I did.

I took a few hits, Joey, I leaned against the wall and I went, I started sliding down the wall and I fucking stayed right there. It's like a dream thing. That's why they have some opium dumps, I didn't realize that. He explained to me to have dreams where you just like, you know, you go into a, you just dream, you smoke. I did it once and I was it.

I could never do it again. I couldn't, it scared me, because the LSD didn't scare me, this fucking scared me. That's just, and once you start getting old, you're like, I can't, I don't wanna even do that shit. Yeah, no, I can't. I would love to go to a Chinese thing and smoke opium and eat egg rolls and shit,

but that time passed, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I couldn't, I just, and especially now, I have this thing about wasted talent and I try to tell the, you know, I had this thing about telling the kids, you know, I said, look, I got high and I did it. I understand, you know, but, you know, you gotta, after a while, you gotta just get your shit together, man.

And so I got my shit together and everything worked out from there. But Doug, this has been an honor having you on here. Thank you, Joey. Like I said, Bronx Tale woke me up. Wow. And it gave me a direction. Now I knew what I wanted to do.

I am so fucking flattered that, I mean, I didn't know that. I never knew that. But when I hear people say about Bronx Tale, you know, I hope you get a chance one day to come and see it. I am, I think I'm gonna go to September 10th. You got a show in Pittsburgh. In Jersey. Is it to Pennsylvania?

Pennsylvania, yeah. If you just go to chaspalmetary.net, everything is up. My schedule is on there. And my niece saw you at the St. George Theater. Oh, she came? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Knocked the one in Red Bank, the same. Cause when she came to me and she goes, I went to see Chad fucking tremendous. I go, what are you telling me? Oh, anytime you want to come, you gotta let me know. I love you. I love you to have you come. I'm gonna give a shout out to my buddy, Dante,

looking good, nice Italian smiles. He looks like something out of fucking GQ magazine. He does. He does, very handsome. I always tell people, my son is an actor, singer, songwriter, go to DantePalmetary.com. You'll see, you'll read all about, you'll hear all about him. And I'm happy he came today.

I love you, cocksuckers. Thank you for supporting. I'll be back Wednesday. Don't forget to follow the man of the hour, Chaz P. I love you. See you Monday and now for a word from our sponsors. All right, you filthy animals. I want to thank Chaz.

I want to thank fucking Mike. I want to thank Chaz. Everybody who fucking showed up today, especially you cocksuckers on a Monday morning. I love you. Listen, the joint is brought to you by Freeze Pipe. Listen, you're sitting there. You're about to watch a good movie.

You're like, I need a little breath of fresh air. You rip out that fucking Freeze Pipe. You put it in the freezer. You pack your little bung. You rip out of the freezer. You connect it to the bung or the bubbler or the pipe and you fucking blast off. When you rip the hot smoke,

passes through your fucking frozen part, cooling down the smoke as you inhale. Listen, your smoke will be so cold. You could blow ice cubes up people's assholes. Listen, I love this fucking Freeze Pipe. It's tremendous. I live off the fucking pipe. It takes me to a different level.

I see the devil on a daily basis. Freeze Pipe cools down the smoke by 100 degrees and I'm getting flashbacks of Snowmass Village, 83. And your uncle Joey's gonna take care of you on a Monday morning. Go to the FreezePipe.com, press and code Joey and save 10% off your first order. Who takes care of you like that on a Monday?

Nobody, get your bung, pipe or bubbler today. Not tomorrow, today. That's the FreezePipe.com, pressing code Joey to save 10%. If you could smoke from it, Freeze Pipe makes the dick about to come out with a frozen apple. Fucking tremendous. The joint is also brought to you by Manscaped.

Listen, it's the fucking, the summer's coming, beach weather. You wanna have your dick, balls, everything, ready to go tip top, McGowan, you wanna smell good. That's why you gotta get the ultra smooth package. You understand me? What are we talking about, Joey? First off, your lather up.

You see where you're going with the shaving with the clear crop gel shaving gel. Tremendous and it refreshes. It feels like you got ice cubes in that area. It's time to shave now, right? Dick-tock. You use the crop shaver, it's designed for shaving around the fucking cacuzza

or the minkier stick. All the products are ultra smooth package. They're vegan, cruelty free and sulfate free. You get 20% off your first order and shipping with Ko Joey at manscaped.com. Did you hear what I'm fucking saying to you? Why do you have that clown living between your fucking legs? It looks like bozo.

That's 20% off plus free shipping with Ko Joey at manscaped.com. Smooth out the fellas with the relaunch of the ultra smooth package from the fellas at manscaped. Listen, everybody's gonna thank you, especially your fucking nutsack that down there sweating all fucking day. I wanna thank manscaped.

I wanna thank freeze pipe, but I wanna thank you savages, the bean savages on a Monday morning. Stay black, I love you. See you Wednesday.