Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #166 - Felipe Esparza, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 8, 2014

Comedian Felipe Esparza joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 04/07/2014.

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Oh shit, a little biggie. Get this motherfucker off. Get up, wash your monkey. If it's lunchtime and you still haven't gotten up, you got fucking problems. You don't need me. You need a fucking bullet to your head. It's a beautiful day to be alive. 90 degrees in LA, motherfucker. With the hat to match.

What? What's up, Lee Syat? You bad motherfucker, you? How much I feel great. Thank you for letting me come this weekend, man. That was a lot of fun. I didn't let you come. You came. I don't give a fuck what you do. You got McConn's role. You want to drive, you drive. Me, I don't want you driving. I love it. I like when you drive, you make me feel fucking relaxed.

You know what, man? If there was a way, I feel like I missed a calling as a truck driver. Would you stop looking up at that shit? Honestly, there's nothing that makes me happier than driving when there's no traffic. Especially through the Southwest, I love Arizona and New Mexico. I was thinking about it. Other than the roads, when you go out deep into California on Arizona, it's the same as when people were coming in fucking covered carts. You just put on a podcast, you listen to some music.

Honestly, that's where I'm happiest. First of all, you can't be a truck driver. I know I can. Because you're fucking, don't drink coffee. You don't do speed. You don't want to do other boosts. You don't want to do shit. How are you going to be a fucking truck driver? I can't, I'm not going to now. Do you have amyroids?

Not yet. Well, how are you going to be a truck driver if you don't have amyroids? You understand me? I feel like that's what you get as you go along. You're upgrading when you get a better position. And I like that you do that. 25-year-old, you know, you miss a call. You're calling as a fucking professional. You keep fucking around. You're going to be taking that truck driver's institute.

You understand me? You're going to be a five-beta cap over there. A five-beta cap. A slip. But no, but it's, I had a great time. Thank you to everyone who came out and said hi. There were people who came to multiple shows. Which fucking blew my mind. It was just, I had the best weekend.

It was amazing. When somebody comes for a show on Thursday and they come back on Saturday. Yeah, it was getting. It was the fuck out of me. First show Thursday, last show Saturday. It was a Saturday show. I never understood that I get fucking embarrassed, but I do the same thing too.

I do that when I like somebody. I'm happy I brought you. People got to see you. You saw some flying shoe t-shirts. You were looking good. You got fucked up. You went to the casino. You lost $40 playing war. Who loses $40 fucking dollars playing war?

Let me tell you something. In my day, somebody beat your playing war. You beat them up at the end. You know what I'm saying? You just beat them up. I can't beat a fucking dealer. Just beat the fucking casino dealer up and tell them fuck you. How are you going to beat me at war?

I would never have played, but I just was there. And you had mentioned that you had seen more. And I never, I knew what it was, but I never really played it as a kid. And it's $5 a card and it's just whoever has the higher card wins. And the thing that, like you win a couple, but it's just, it's fast. It's like probably two, three hands a minute. Yeah, it's quick. Yeah, it's quick. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

So you're going to lose. You go through a deck of cards in war in fucking five minutes. Yeah. You know, if you just keep banging, that's the goal. It's to go fast. So you confuse the other guy. You're just taking off and the guy's like, ah! My card was high.

You're just stealing fucking cards. Yeah. So, I mean, it was a lot of fun. Arizona was great. Everyone was great. That's another thing. Like, I wish I went to college like that with a big campus and everything around. It was a...

It's fucked up how stupid we really are at 18 when we pick colleges and careers and then you're unhappy. That's why somebody wrote me some of the adenas that his dad wants him to be an engineer and he didn't really want to go to school for engineering. I go, then don't go to fucking school for engineering, but you got to go to school. Yeah. You just have to go to school. I wish I would have known about Texas.

I would have gone to the University of Texas in Austin if I would have known about fucking college. Really? I would have known more in fucking Texas, you know, at the University of Houston, something like that too. You know, we all make mistakes. I wanted to join the service, but a fucking truck driver will leave, really? Yeah.

How about like a UPS truck? Maybe. Well, my dream is, I don't want to deliver anything. If I could get someone to pay me to drive around, I just love being in my car driving around the country. I think it's really fun. You fart when you're in the car? Oh, yeah.

You snore your own fucking nasty farts or you open the window. That depends. If it's too bad, sometimes you have to take it out there. You should have snowed my farts on the Southwest, yes. I blasted three early mornings. Well, you had sushi a couple days in a row. I had sushi. I don't think I ate Saturday night.

Oh, we had that artichoke dip. Yeah. That's what I had. That's not good. That's not good. I farted up a fucking storm on that plane. That first fart, I was embarrassed, but what are you going to do? It's Southwest Airlines.

I'm in the back. I'm landing in Burbank, you know what I'm saying? Like a doctor. Like a fucking doctor. No, I had a great time in Texas. I'm in temp. I want to thank everybody who came out. The shows were great.

The club was great. This week, I'm going to Dr. Grins in fucking Michigan. I haven't been in Michigan in years. That's a fucking capital dirty white woman with dirt on their heels. I love it. They fucking walk from, from, from, from East bombing to Detroit. I'm going to have a fucking great time. I wish you would come.

It's like 19 flights to Grand Rapids. Oh yeah. And that's what I'm saying. Like I would love to go, but it's so expensive and it was fun. Like I sold a couple of your shirts because you were just high and taking pictures, but it's just, uh, it doesn't really make financial sense for you to have like, I can't, like, I can't imagine how much it's flights are. No, but this flight, you know, uh, people don't realize what, uh, what's happened after

9 11 also and all these planes are charging all this dough in houses. My brother, Felipe Spars, and he travels in, you know, a lot of these fucking, you know, Ari couldn't get a plane ticket. Ari could not fly in direct to Santa Fe, New Mexico from New York City. Now to me, that's mind boggling. I could see if you can't fly from a small market to a small market, but when you can't fly from a big market to a small market direct, I could fly into Detroit, Delta, but there's nothing into Grand Rapids.

You have to park, you have to rent the car and drive fucking three hours. You know, uh, they've cut these routes. American Airlines only offers one flight into Newark Airport a day from LAX. One, one direct. Everything else is connecting and everything else goes into fucking JFK. You know, you're like, Joey, I'm listening to a podcast. What are you fucking travel agent? No, I'm helping you out, cock sucker.

I'm helping you to fuck out, cock sucker. Because when you're looking for a flight, man, sometimes even me, I love looking for flights. As soon as somebody calls me and says, Hey, they want you to come here. They're going to make an offer. I go online and see if I got direct flights where I got to go to fucking Utah. Take Salt Lake City, for example. We could walk to fucking Salt Lake City. We could skateboard downhill to Salt Lake City.

There's no direct flight from Burbank to Salt Lake City. Really? I got to go all the way up to San Francisco or fucking Seattle and go to Salt Lake City. Now, if I go to LAX, I go to Salt Lake City. I understand that. That I kind of understand. But the fucking San Francisco, who gets on that fucking flight? That's on that fucking flight.

No, it's a crazy part of something that I don't think people understand is the traffic. I drove, but even that, it took it out of me. When I got home yesterday, I was passed out. I predicted three months ago on the podcast that we have pre-TSA. We have a first class line and we have a regular Puerto Rican line. In a year, they're going to add another line because the pre-TSA is getting busy. Not everybody has money for a first class ticket. Now, it's definitely two hours.

Yesterday, I flew in to Tampa with some kids from Jersey Boys. We were talking on the flight and they go, when are you coming back and go Sunday at 8.35? We go, that's my flight. I'll see you Sunday. When I got to the fucking airport yesterday, Southwest was packed. It wasn't that I fly all the time on Southwest and with motherfucking A-listers. You know what I am?

Give me a pound there. Because once you're A-list on Southwest, that's when you know you fucking arrived. Well, some people have that. I know JetBlue has it. You can get through security faster. Right, through security faster. In Southwest, you sit with everybody else. There's no first class.

There's no general. There's no expedient ticket in the back. You sit with everybody else, but they do have different levels of boarding. You can pay $12.50 to board quick, which is fucking tremendous on Southwest because you don't want a middle seat on Southwest. Hell no. Southwest is a great airline for two hours and less. After two hours, Southwest is a long fucking flight.

You know, now they got free Wi-Fi, but it's peanuts. It's peanuts the whole fucking way. I think now they have sandwiches or something. Do you eat on planes? Do you eat on planes? Well, I guess the first class you might. I bring stuff, but I also, you know, if they got something, I'll eat something, you know? I bring everything, man.

Do you bring everything? I bring a grocery bag full of food. Really? I mean, they're cracking peanuts, cracking walnuts. Well, you're vegans, so it must be harder. How hard is it for you to find stuff? On the plane, there's nothing on the plane. There's nothing on the plane.

Even the pretzels probably have butter right now. And what about, I mean, I'm sure in bigger cities it's easier, but like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what a smaller city is, but you've been to thousands of them as a comedian. How hard would it be for you to find like a vegan meal? Crack a barrel part of the worst. Really? The worst.

I had for a fruit, and that guy brought the fruit. He goes, I cut it myself for you, you know, because I want to get you something. And the fruit tastes like onions, because he cut it with an onion knife. So I don't want to complain, you know, and say, hey, man, you know, the fruit tastes like onion. I don't want to say listen fag. Listen, bro. Crack a barrel is the capital of fat people. Fuck, yeah.

That's where fat fucking people go. That was their wheelchair outside. It was? It was there now. I think in Texas? Yeah, yeah, in El Paso. Yeah. In El Paso, they have the crack a barrel.

Bro, you go in there, nobody's under three bills. No. Even the kids over three parts. Nobody's under 300 fucking pounds. They got rocking chairs right outside, you go fall asleep. There's a place in Burbank, too, where they give you crab legs now. Not Sizzler, but the other one. 20 Roma?

No. We went there one night. It was fucking. Golden Corral? No, it was blue. What do you think they call the golden fucking Corral? That's a bunch of fucking pigs. They got pigs in there.

They got the all you could eat ice cream, the chocolate. The chocolate fountain. They are fucking you. You go in there and you see fat sizes that you've never seen. I just went there one time. The ladies asked like a fucking table. Like you could put a fucking glass on. It's amazing.

When you're standing up, right? It's amazing. It's amazing. I've always loved gross food, but like Golden Corral. I love it. Shakies or Sizzler. I've never been to any of those. I try one a little bit.

Bro, this is how poor I was with Terry Clark. That was like our first fucking date. Sizzler? When I booked Arliss, that was my first date. That was what we ate to celebrate. We went there like three times. Sizzler on La Brea or on Highland. In between Sunset and Melrose is a hot, there's a Sizzler.

We went there like twice to celebrate. Then the third time we looked at each other, we go to say no celebration. Just a fucking debt. Just a fucking debt. I know you were there celebrating with kids that just graduated from high school. They were their parents. It's fucking crazy, man. Those restaurants, you go into, I can't, I haven't been able to eat one of those places

in 30 fucking years. I really have not been able to eat at those places in 30 fucking years. Like a buffet. I could do a Chinese buffet. Chinese buffets. They don't have them here. Oh, Piso's got a buffet that's not bad. Oh, Paso used to have a buffet that had spicy shrimp.

Oh. And you eat those fucking things until you bleed from the earlobes, you know. And who else had a good fucking buffet for a while that we used to go? Oh. Vegas they say has good buffets. I don't know. Pizza Hut used to have a good buffet right there on Salad Marneco. They did used to have it.

Some of them had, when I grew up there was a Taco Bell that had like a salad bar. Dude. When I grew up. I'm going to the one on one north. Right there about when you hit the 46. Yeah. There's a KFC. All you can eat but failure.

And here now late. And I've only been to three of them. Wichita, Kansas. Colorado. And over there at Los Baños. Oh my God. San Luis Obispo has a KFC. All you can eat with biscuits.

Their bathroom must like break every fucking day. That's disgusting. Who goes to the bathroom in a fucking KFC anyway? Who the fuck would do something that fucking disgusting? I go to this coffee shop. I go to this coffee shop in the studio city. Tons of white people. You know white people are proud to be white people.

They walk around with hats and Cho Chipp Chally Ho. They've been to Europe and shit. They got French music on. But people go to that coffee shop and take shit. And I've never smelled even a fucking soup. I don't know who these people are. They got French. Why would you put French music on if you're gonna come here and take a shit?

You know what I'm saying? Why is that French music on? This bathroom smells like a fucking animal all the time. And I understand it's a coffee shop. But I've never shit that. I piss like a motherfucker. I would never shit like that in public. Really?

Especially if my ass smelled like that. I wouldn't want nobody to fucking smell that. I've been banned from 10 Starbucks for taking shit. Really? I have to go to the cleanest place for me to take a good shit. Is it gonna be the public library? The kids books section? Or Starbucks?

The public library man. When you want to use the restroom you gotta go to the kids section. In downtown LA? Yeah. That's where the cleaner restrooms are. But every other restroom they got white people, black people, Latino people taking showers. Using like a grey home bus. Like Puerto Rican showers.

That's called a Puerto Rican shower. I hate thin toilet paper. I try not to do it unless I'm home or even at the hotel. But in those public places they make the toilet paper hard for you to pull. Yes. Rip one sheet at a time. If not your finger comes up with a fucking you who in your hand. You gotta keep pulling it and pulling.

Like the rec center. Over here in North Hollywood I walk around in circles sometimes. So I go to pee and I go to blow my nose. I gotta sit there. Finally I just wipe my fucking hands. I blow my nose on my hand and wipe it on my shirt. Because by the time I do this my cardio will be down. I don't have time to fucking sit there one sheet at a time.

They fuck with you. They're fucking cheap with the toilet paper. So the toilet paper is too tight. You can't really roll it. So you gotta put it in there and then pull it out and you're there all day. Wrapping paper is over and over. No it's the sky. I don't like that.

I like a bathroom that's just full. You know who's got the best bathrooms in the country? Who? Miami. Big spray. Really? You have to shit like this. Like you got something wrong with your legs.

Like you're in a wheelchair. No in Miami you can spread your fucking legs out and take your balls out of the bowl and just sit there for 20 fucking minutes. Because people want to do blow. They want to get big bathrooms. You can't get in. You snort coke in a little bathroom. You got anxiety.

Who needs that shit? You want a big bathroom. I don't say big bathroom. Big bathroom. What do you guys think about bedays? I've never been one to one. I had one. When we went and shot the documentary that place in North Bergen, New Jersey had a beday.

And I was like what? That was nice. In New Jersey from New York City we had a beday in North Bergen in my mother's house. It was in her personal bathroom. And you used it? And I would shit and turn the beday and look at it like a fountain. I thought like I was international. I would sit there and shit and make the fountain go up.

But the first couple of times you go in there you don't know what you're doing. You just sit on it and open it and it just shoots up. It's tremendous. I'm going to tell you something. But day is tremendous. Oh yeah. It's tremendous. That shit keeps you fresh.

Everything. I had one until I was 15. Tremendous. I always feel like a weirdo because I always buy baby wipes. So that's the purpose for it is that the water hits your ass and cleans it for you? Yeah. Right from the toilet. Now in Japan they have a toilet that washes your ass.

So everybody like if you have one in your house everybody has their own little napkin to tap? No, no, no, no, no. You just don't need to use toilet paper after a minute. No, no, no. If I got up a day that's for me only. Ain't nobody else washing their ass on my beday. That's disgusting. My mom wouldn't let me wash my ass on her beday.

I would sneak in there when she was at home. You know, then she would catch me because the water would be on the ceiling. Yeah. Sometimes you hit the thing real fast and it shoots up. Like that fountain in Las Vegas. It's real high. So if you sit on this motherfucker and turn it on in high power of your ass, it's fucking tremendous.

You don't like baby wipes instead of toilet paper? I like everything. Listen, I like anything that wipes my ass because God knows. God knows. I don't have a clean. After I take a shower, I'll scratch my ass 10 minutes later and it still got wanked to it. Yeah.

So, you know, that's just an ass. That's why I'm 50. What do you want me to do? That's why I don't want to lick a girl's butthole. That's why I'm not into it. No, but you got to lick a girl's butthole. You got to do it, man. You got to do it, man.

It's one time. You got to stop telling yourself. Spin it in first. Just spin it in first and wipe it with your hand and then go in there, bro. And just like, let me explain something to you. You're not going to pull over. Let me get something to you. I'm not going to pick up a chicken 7-Eleven, bring it to your house, and bend the rope

and have it. You eat a rest. That's just not Christian life. That's not even Jewish life. That's not Christian life. You have to take a shower first. So, it's a hint for them to take a shower. So, you start swapping, spit with them.

Then you throw them in the shower and in the shower, you feel their titties, but at the same time, you're soaping that asshole. You follow me? So, when you get out, you got no problems. There's no problems later on. We're going to invite somebody over and eat that ass just off like an appetizer. I don't know. That's what it seemed like.

No. You get a shower and relax, put a robe on. That's why I always tell you, get a robe. Because I know you can hang out with your robe, your legs are open, you've got air in your ass. Then when it's time, you bend the rope and she farts and you lick whatever. Nobody wants to lick an ass or a pussy that smells like fucking soap anyway. It's got to have a little patois to it.

You understand? I don't know if that's accurate. No, it's true. True. When was the last time you ate pussy? It tasted like soap off the bat. Well, no, pussy's different. It's just asshole.

You can't do it right away, man, because I've had toilet paper on my tongue. But it's all right, man. You've got to close your eyes and do like the thing they do on Dora and Exploamo. Just close your eyes and let that muffler say, Vamanos, like that, like Dora. That's it. You're there. That's it. You did it.

We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. We didn't smell it either because you put your nose right above the ass and then go like that. No, no, no.

It's like eating a cheeseburger and not smelling. It's like eating french fries and not smelling. Before you even go in there, you got to give it one of those little, you can't make the noises and she'll feel insecure. You have to do it without like, you have to practice underwater for a couple of weeks. Girls like that, man. Like a girl who's been with a lot of people, you know, you know, especially like a waitress at a comedy club.

Like she's been with other comedians. How are you going to shine? You got to eat their ass. You fuck. Well, she's opening up the comedy condo door with her own key. You put her pants down. You start eating her ass right outside the door. She knows you're a soldier.

You're a soldier. I've been telling you that for years. You know what I mean? Let me ask you something. Tomorrow I got to do, this has been the toughest fucking thing I ever had to write guys. I'm doing Ari's story teller show tomorrow night. Okay. And he was talking to me about role models.

And I was like, yeah, I got a role model, Julia Serving and fucking Bruce Lee. Let's start thinking about it. I'm like, I was a fan of Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee taught me a lot of things when I read The Tower of Jeet Kune Do and other things that he had written in some of his movies. And Dr. J was something else for me. You know, I was a big basketball fan. You know, but who are your fucking role models, Felipe?

If you really fucking think about it, no joke society. When you grew up, who did you look at? I mean, you know, they want you to look a vivisapact or something. Well, I mean, I don't want to tell you who your role models are. But I mean, if you were going to ask me if I had to guess, I would say like it's like a mixture. It's kind of what we did the documentary on. It's kind of like a mixture between Barone and, and I can't believe I'm blanking on his name.

Carmine. Carmine. Mr. Balzano. And then, and then all your friends and just like a mixture of that's who I guess is for you. What do you think Felipe? How about you, Felipe? Who's your role model?

I don't even know if it's a role model, but the moment I saw in 1981 Fernando Valenzuela showed up. I had hope. I, you know, I said, I've never seen anybody that dark, that, you know, Mexican that dark, you know, throwing a baseball, being on TV. Like you look at how big Fernando Valenzuela was to me being like he's a Mexican, you know, he's from my hometown, you know, he's from a little village and he's a dark skin Mexican. You didn't see another dark skin Mexican since George Lopez showed up.

I mean. Okay. So that made me proud when I saw George Lopez because you don't see too many dark skin Mexicans on TV. You always see like the white ones, the ones that were born in Bolivia. But when I saw Fernando Valenzuela, I say, yeah, man. Okay. I don't know what a role model was because they always tell you who's like to look up to your

teacher, look up to your fireman, you know, and fuck that, man. You look up to the people who are making it dog. Yeah. You know, like my teacher, my teacher wear a fucking shitty ass suit. You know, I didn't realize later on that teachers are just like comedians. They're waiting for work. You know, they're desperate. Like a substitute teacher.

I used to look up to a substitute teacher, Mr. Delgado, only because at the end of the class, he will say, listen, wherever you go, if you ever see me again, just say, hey, Mr. Delgado, how the hell are you? And that will make my day. Yeah. I mean, it's a, I'm trying to think about, I mean, that's, it's kind of what we were, I was saying with Amelia Rivera, being a white kid from the suburbs, like, I don't really have any, anything like that.

I don't really know who my role model was. Maybe I'm too young to have realized it. I mean. Nobody who you liked that you were growing up. What did you want to be when you were fucking Tenly? Notorious B.A.G. Probably working in TV and stuff. I mean, I can't even remember.

I mean, it's, for you, I can't, there's not, it's not like, I was going to say, well, maybe, because I saw, I had the VHS for Bill Cosby himself. I love that, but I'm not, I'm not a comic. So it's not. Who inspired you growing up? Did you have, when you listen to a certain music, when you read somebody's book, when you read somebody's autobiography, who liked fucking like with me? It was like, who's the guy that ran for president that had the big years?

Lisa in 91. He was a. Ross Perot. I loved his story. That's the first story I read when I went to prison. I thought it was amazing what this man had done. He gave me hope as a white dude. He gave me hope because this guy had nothing.

He took a chance and became a fucking millionaire. And then he had balls and he was the weirdest looking, nerdiest looking dude. And when he ran against Clinton. I ran for president. I'm running for president. And you brought in that crazy dude to run with him. It was crazy. And then he would say at the end of all his stuff, he'd go, they're paying for this with

your money. I'm paying for this with my money because he was fucking loaded. He was fucking loaded. And I read this book on him in prison. Now he had a company and they kidnapped three of his employees and I ran. And he hired. He went to Kissinger and he went to all these heavy duty. They made a movie about it on Wings of Eagles and it's played by Richard.

I forget what his name is. The big fucking white dude that even makes it even better, you know. And he went to this guy and he said, listen, I made my promise to the employees and I ran or I racked that I would get them home for Christmas fucking dinner. And he goes, we got to do it. And the guy said, I'll do it. He wouldn't hire nobody. Nobody would let him hire mercenaries or something.

So this guy just took and trained his employees. So he took these nerds and trained them to go over there and get three other fucking nerds out of a jail. And Ross Perot did and he financed the whole thing. He got this colonel to lead the way and get him out. And I just liked. I mean, he gave me hope when I was in prison. He gave me hope when I was locked up.

Because he was nobody, this guy. I forget where he came from or what exactly he did. But there's people that inspired me. Nobody, Al McGuire inspired me. The coach from Jim Valvano inspired me. You know, with the fucking team he put together. There were no bodies and he ended up winning a national championship. If nothing ever gave you goosebumps, Lee.

I'm feeling kind of weird not knowing. I mean, the only thing I can think of is the guy who I learned from out here. The guy who really taught me editing. Really. He's not the perfect person. He was great. He was great to me. And everyone has their faults.

But I kind of like, I kind of tried to mold myself after him. What kind of faults do you have? He has faults. He doesn't really speak with his kids as much anymore because of stuff with an ex-wife. And he's, he, I don't know, he just, he's not, I mean, no one's perfect. So I mean, I shouldn't put that on him. But I'm trying to think of it as a kid. I used to love biography.

Like I used to watch that every night that was on, but I can't remember one person or something. I'm trying to think, I don't know why maybe I'm too young to really realize it. It's a fucked up question. Yeah. The reason why I brought this up is because I want to, we don't know. It was such a tough thing. When I already said to me, I want you to do this. I went home and I said, sure.

And then I started thinking about it. I started thinking, all right, number one, what did I want it to be? You know, you start thinking about it. That's how you broke it down. That's how I broke it down. What did I want it to be? And I remember being a little kid at my mom's bar and I could tell who the punk ass bitches were and who the men were. You know, I remember, I used to tell my mom, that guy's a punk ass bitch.

And my mom goes, how do you know? I mean, look at him. You know, look at his shoes. He was doing this and my mom would go, you're fucking pretty good at this shit, you know. But I always knew the fight. And I always wanted to grow up to be a man. That was my utmost thing, you know. And when I was a kid, when I was about 12, I hung out with this kid Jimmy.

I don't know why I hung out with this guy on the way out. And his father would always talk to me. I talked to his father. His father was a short little fucking dude. Lutheranian. He was a short little fucking Lutheranian dude. And I would talk to him and talk to him and they got a built-in pool. And I would go over there and swim in the pool with him because I had a top-of-the-ground pool.

And everybody else had a top-of-the-ground pool in those days. He was the first kid in the Balzanos got a underneath pool. So there was two kids under my block that had a built-in pool. And I would go over there and swim and he would always say to me, you know, I would always stay late and pick up the towels and I'd sweep up and I'd take the bugs out of water. And he goes, you're the only one that does that. He goes, hey John, the rest of your fucking friends, they come to have a good time, they eat and they leave. And the fucking Spanish kid always stays and done this shit.

And I told him once I go because I had a pool and I know what it feels like. So he would go, what are you doing tonight? You want to go to the track with me? And I would feel weird that he had three sons, but he would ask me to go to the fucking track with him, you know? And it just went on and went on. And we began, I would talk to him, but he fucking hated drugs. You know, when we go out to the track, if he won, he gave me money. He never drank in front of me. He never smoked in front of me. He never fucking cursed in front of me. He was a man's man.

He was just a little short, tough dude. And he had these sandwich shops in Hoboken. And he always would tell me like a lesson. Like everything we did, he would go, look at this over here, this fucking. And I loved him more even than my stepfather. My stepfather was another guy who I had the same problem with. But I'll tell you one thing, at the end of the day, my stepfather, he was a man. Everything he did, from his shoes to his fucking head, he was a fucking man.

And you knew it by his appearance, how he spoke to people, he was a gentleman. And, you know, Jimmy Bender fucking at my mother's wake came up to me and he goes, listen, man, if you don't move in with me, I would be heartbroken. I had all these places I could have lived with and this guy came up to me and opened up his home to me. And even though he had two of the boys living there at the time, he goes, I'm going to get you your own bedroom and shit. And guys, you know, when you're 15, your mother dies, you have no father, you have no family, you're weak, you're, you know, I was a mentally strong kid, but at that time, I'm fucking weak.

You know, this guy could have done a thousand things to me. He could have sold me to the fucking black market, you know. And I remember him taking me to do my Social Security paperwork and they didn't want to give me money and then we went and tried to get my mother's insurance. Every day after school, he'd pick me up and go out of his way to get me handled. And then he said, listen, you're not going to get money, but fuck it, I'll take care of you. I mean, this guy wasn't my fucking dad. But every day when I leave, he goes, you need any money today for the lunch?

And he'd give me 40 fucking bucks. Who gives you 40 dollars a day in 1979, 1980? Jesus. And I did what I did. I ended up becoming a thief and a fucking drug addict. And he got disappointed and he threw me out. He didn't throw me out. He was crying.

I had to get out because I had put shame to his son, his one son and me. He was a cop and we were tight and I was fucking around with drugs and burning drug dealers and robbing shit. And so they investigated him. And it was just weird that I stayed friends with him till 1982. I didn't live there from 81. And then in 82, his father died. Jimmy Bender, the guy that took me and his father died and I was supposed to go to the wake. And I got coked up and I didn't go.

I didn't show up to the wake or the funeral. So I just didn't ever talk to him because I was ashamed. And, you know, I got involved with drugs and shit. So I put it in the back burner. Like you do everything else in your life. That's why you do drugs to put them in the back and forget about things. And then over the years, I thought about him. I thought about calling him.

And then one day when I went to call him, I made some calls and I found out he had died of cancer and that fucking killed me. But that was about the time I was moving here. And I remember making like a mental note to myself that now I have to do something with my life. Because I wanted to prove him wrong. You know, over the years, all here it was bad things. I went to prison, I did this, I did that. So I just wanted the chance. I never really thought about it until last week one night when I got really fucking high and I was sitting on the couch.

And I was thinking about Bruce Lee's story to tell. And also I got overwhelmed with this story. And I got so overwhelmed that I had to lay down and cry. And I got anxiety. And next morning I got up and I called Bobby Benden. I told him, the one son, I go, listen, I'm going to do this thing for Connelly Central. And I'm going to talk about your dad. Because I got to put this to peace.

This is a big piece of me. You know, we never discussed it. We did come on. I remember we were in front of my mother's house with one documentary and that neighbor came up. And he goes, this district has worked by the benders. John. And he goes, you want me to get down? I go, no, I grew up with fucking John.

But it's just so weird that at the end of the day, before I want to be a comedian and everything, I want to grow up to be a man. And I want to be a man like him. Like he was very fucking well-liked. You know, the only vice I ever saw him do was play cards and eat. He was like, I would send him pizzas, bro. Do you understand? Like I would be hungry for a pizza and I didn't want to pay for it. So I would call the pizza man and say, send Jimmy Bender pizza with pepperoni.

And I'd go on the living room and watch TV with him. And all of a sudden there would be a knock on the door and he'd answer, what's up? I got a pizza for that. I didn't know no pizza. I was like, Anna, you ordered pizza? And she'd go, no. And he'd go, how much for the fucking pizza? $12.

Give me the fucking pizza. And he'd buy it anyway. That's how cool he was, you know. No, and it's, I'm just, I'm trying to think of why I can't think of it. And it's, I had different people. I got a friend's dad who was really well off. And my, my mom was brother because I didn't really have grandparents. They're all dead by the time I was 13.

And his, our brother and his wife were really cool to me, kind of like grandparents sort of. But yeah, I'm kind of, I don't know if I'm jealous now or I'll think about it later, but it's not. And you want me to tell you something? I think we have multiple role models. Yeah. Thankfully.

Yeah. I think like my sixth grade teacher, like I could name maybe like growing up two teachers that affected my life. And one of them was this teacher I had for sixth grade. He was a young teacher. He was Portuguese. You know, I didn't even know what, I never knew what Portuguese was. I thought he was Mexican.

Yeah. Like a white Mexican, you know, with green eyes, but he's not in Portuguese. And every day he'll start off by saying a joke, like just to get our attention. They were like horrible jokes. No one got, you know, like, like, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal body. Like, I didn't know what frontal body it was. But I guess that was his way of teaching us a new word every day.

Yeah. So I still, I know now what a frontal body is when I saw one through the cuckoo's nest. Oh, yeah. But that would have been so easy for him to tell me, watch one through the cuckoo's nest, and you understand what I'm saying. So he was a good looking dude. I know that because every Christmas we had a birthday party and all the girls, all the guys were giving presents.

We were going like on a Christmas vacation. And I still, I would always stay with him until the end of the class just talking, you know, like, hey, Mr. Corredo, so we live at full, you know, all this stuff, asking them questions. And he would give me everything that they gave him, like cologne. He goes, you, do I smell Felipe? He goes, why? Because they gave him a lot of cologne.

He had like karate, you know, he had brute, you know, old spies. Yeah. And I said, now, do you stink? I just, they don't know what else to give you, I guess. So you want it? I said, yeah. So I got out together and those, every year, those presents that they gave him, I would give that to my brother.

He's like, oh, look, you got old spies. And he came in the Christmas tree and he'd always, he would look up, he was the only one that reached out and made me feel special. Like, all right. He didn't say you're smart. He didn't say you're, you're the best. But he reached out to me and said, you're fucking funny. Yeah.

I like you. You know, he didn't say you're my favorite student, but it made me like, it made me like, I don't know, it just made me feel good. Like, I felt accepted. Like, fuck my dad, you know, he didn't, he didn't make me feel like, like my dad, he just wanted me to like wake up every morning and look for a job or something. Like, my dad thing was this, like he would come home from work and his hands were all black from welding all day, you know, burn hot.

My dad would eat with his hands dirty because they were too hot to get to what, to what, if he don't want to wet them because arthritis or something, but I guess he was welding all day with his hands were still hot. And now, so he would like be black, you know, and he would look at me and he goes, I don't give a fuck what the fuck you do with your life, you know, but at least get a job where at the end of the day, you don't have to wash your, you don't have to wash your hands to go eat because he couldn't wash his hands. So, you know, I told my dad one day, you know, I don't know, you didn't tell me much, you

know, but I remember he said, find a job that you don't have to wash your hands after. And I said, and I listen, I don't wash my hands after I do stand up comedy. These hands, finger bank people dirty. So that was the only thing that I remember my dad telling me, you know, when my dad was a role model, you don't look at your dad as a role model, you know, like, I can't even look at my dad. Like, I don't understand how kids, people like Peyton Maddening superstars, you know, like could look always speak proud of their dad.

Like, if my dad was there, you know, for my, when I was a little league, my dad was there when I graduated. Oh, I wish my dad was here while I get my fucking hall of fame trophy. Fuck you son of a bitch. You know, I never had that fucking dad. My dad fucking worked on fucking day. Every time he had time for us, it was time to fuck us up. Okay.

And that fucking hurt here. I'm like, think about it, you fucking work all day, but now you got to beat your kids now too. Yeah. So I never really looked at my dad as a role model or my fucking mom, you know, let me ask you something. What is the difference between a stand up comic and a teacher? What is the difference at the end of the day?

A good teacher is somebody who gets through to you. And the way to get through to you is by relating on a comical level. Yeah. You think of the teachers who taught and had no sense of humor. You don't fucking remember those people. You could sit there for hours. I'll give you a dollar if you remember. But the people who told you a joke before the class, those are the people that got for

you. Me and Felipe are from the same cut. Because if we wouldn't have been, if we wouldn't have been stand ups, our second choice would be working with kids. I know this for a, I could care less about adults taking off fucking shoot themselves. I see a kid. I could break a fucking kid down. I could take a fucking half a fucked up kid and make him a fucking soldier.

You know, the biggest pain in my heart is I didn't get a chance to raise my original daughter. And I kind of gave up at the end because of my career because of what I was doing here. What I do is tough enough, but a girl, I'll take a fucking girl. Like I want to get a girl right now just to prove my fucking point. I see women now walking around half fucking retarded. And it's the same thing. When you see a kid at 14, I get, and it's tough.

It's tough. Guys like me and him could take a kid and break him fucking down and build him right back up again because it was done to me. It was done to me from the age of five to 15. I was a kid that was completely different. Also not a step up to the plump. There was no mommy no more. Yeah.

You know, it's so weird how the respect I had for teachers because they took my mind away of what was going on in my life because there's no respect for teachers today. I saw something at LA about a teacher wrestling with a kid. Did you see that? Yeah. And you know, the kid, the parents don't understand. And if you're a parent and you don't fucking know this is that in today's society, you have to work from eight to five to raise a house.

And that's two parents. So in reality, the teacher sees your kid more than fucking you do. Five days a week, nine to fucking three and nine to four or whatever. I went to school from 7.30 to 2.30. So my teachers, like Felipe, who did I take for the premiere of Grudge Match? Your teacher. My sixth grade teacher, John Barone, who broke me down and built me back up, hated me. I stole his fucking keys and threw them in the garbage.

Yeah. How did he get to me? He taught me how to play basketball. When he told me he was in the Hall of Fame for free throws, a cum came out of my ears. And I listened to every word that came out of his fucking mouth after that. Yeah. And another guy I talked to that's called into the podcast, Mr. Terinova. He saved me from life.

He saved me from me. He's the one that said, from now on, nobody's going to call you Coco, bro. They got to call you Joey, that Coco name. You got to get rid of it for now. Why? Because he goes, it just brought too much chaos. Because it's just chaos. I never hit Coco with something good attached to it.

Okay. That changed my life. And that's why until this day, every 10 days, I pick up the phone and call him in Sarasota, Florida and go, T, what up, motherfucker? You know? So. Yeah. No, teachers are, it's a, it's a crazy job.

What do you think about it? Like it's, I, like, I always look like when I think about them, like, there's always that thing like those who can't do teach, whatever that's like the end of the saying. But I can't imagine teaching second grade for 30 years. Those monster kids and. They're not monsters. You just got to stop them, slow them down, talk to them, get to their level. And after that, you want them.

Show them, you show a kid you're on his side. It's not all about 70s and As, Bs and Cs. The kid's going to give you a fucking A. Oh yeah. Kid's going to give you an A. You beat up on the kid to give you an A. He ain't going to give you an A. He's a teacher I'm talking about. You know, they could push you.

There's some teachers who push you, but they don't push you the right way. There's some teachers that push you by holding your hand and letting it go. And now you want the hand back. So that's the way how you're going to have to get into it. You want his hand back. You got to come up there with a fucking A. It's a beautiful thing, bro. I always found that the younger teachers were always being more strict because they were

trying to command a room. But the teachers who had been there for 30 or 40 years were the ones who could joke around and be cool. And now it's not every time, but I always found that like the younger ones were kind of nervous about it. And the ones like, it's like you on stage. It's like a new comic versus an older comic. And it's when you have the experience, you know, get teachers and artists because it's

his interpretation of how to teach. Everybody has a different way of fucking teach, man. And nobody has the right way. I don't care how smart you are. You don't have the right way. Like my homeroom teacher. I remember him. He was Mr. Bowes.

He was from Chicago. You know, he was a music teacher. He grew up in Chicago. And I remember him telling me stories about Chicago, you know, like off the record stuff. Like he just picked me to tell me, you know, because he would tell this. He was, he was like, typical music teacher, six foot four, white hair blonde, white hair all the way to the back, you know, like he was a rock star back. And he had, he would have, he would say, if anybody shudder, they'll be quiet right now.

I'm going to put my size 12 in your, you know, and I would laugh. You laugh. That's it. And it was just how good of a teacher he was. There was this Crip that grew up in my neighborhood. He was like a Crip gangster. We were in seventh grade. Okay.

This is ninth grade. And he would come in and I was the only one he spoke to because I'm from the same neighborhood. So he always sat next to me. He was one of those kids that he would show up every 60 days to school. He just sat down. 60 days absent. Nobody gave a fuck. Nobody told him shit.

He just sat there. And I remember one time he told me, this crazy, this kid came up to me. He goes, amen. I got some coke. And that was the first time I saw coke. This long stoner guy. And he told me, tell this guy if he was to buy it. This is my friend, Toby.

He goes, tell that guy to be in the bathroom and we're both going to rob his ass. And I said, how about you go tell that other guy? He said, he didn't want to buy it. All right. Okay. So that's all I told him. And then my teacher, Mr. Bowes, he's a cool guy. He asked the student that my friend, he asked them, hey, mister, would you like to spend

some time in the summer with our family in our house? Because he saw that my friend, this guy, he's coached Korea First Street. He thought that he knew he was in trouble already. You know, he said he's like 5th, 14. My teacher knew this guy needed help. He offered him, would you like to spend a summer with my family, you know, just to get them away from the whole project life, silent crime, all that shit. You know what my friend told me?

Yeah, man. Mr. Bowes talking about it. Because I'm in a fucking spending, that's a summer in a fucking house. Because shit, man. I said, we should just go there and rob this motherfucker, man. You know, he was a lost cause, okay? You know, but he, he cried. He tried.

He tried, you know, that teacher tried. That right there, you can always say, you know what, like I could never walk around the world, nobody fucking cared about me. No, somebody tried. And nice grade, those fucking white dudes that broke down and said, saw you were in trouble. He knows you were out since 60 days at a time, but are you thinking about robbing his ass? But I was thinking, why have Mr. Bowes asked my ass? I'm the guy here laughing at your fucking jokes every Monday.

But he knew Felipe's all right. Cause I would go visit him. Even when I was in high school, after high school, I still went to go visit his classroom, you know, I was sneaking to the school and look for him. And he signed my high school yearbook. Even though they graduate, he was the one that wrote the longest thing. Yeah. That's who loved me, man.

That's cool. It's amazing. It's amazing. You know, Felipe is a teacher guy. I'm a teacher guy. I'm a, like I said, call Tee every 10 days and we laugh about something. And he was cool. Another student had died and we always talk stories about it.

Do you have a grade or like a subject you want to teach? I would teach history. Oh, me too. I would teach history. I would teach math. You know, my English is horrible. What age group? Do you like, younger kids or older?

Whatever. They throw them at me. I like to start with seventh grade maybe. Middle school is the toughest. That's where you have to, they should have stopped Hitler and Munich. Yeah. That's where you should stop them. That's where you could save these little motherfuckers and you're not going to save

all of them. All of them have a determined whatever, you know, but some of them you could talk to and they think about that. See, once you show a kid that you care outside the box, they can't figure that out. That fucks with them. Then they start thinking, maybe I do have value in my life. So you need two or three teachers to do that. And you just gave that kid value outside of his home.

You know, what's that thing? What's the end of that song with Pink Floyd? It's brilliant. Who was brought up in a house full of pain? The sheep or something? I have no idea. Who was built not to spit in the fair? Who was told what to do by the man?

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Fucks up. League, boom, boom, Zion. Eat nettles. What's the story? No. Geebo Choo with Felipe out of respect. It's Monday.

No. Put a little fucking Tony Bennett on. Let's see what we got. You ready? A little respect from my mom. My mom used to play this every fucking Monday, Lisa. When she opened the bar, so I respect that I still do it. Lisa, she hasn't moved.

She hasn't stopped fucking texting in an hour. Jesus Christ. She's writing her biography on the phone. Yo, huh? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Monday, April 7th. Get out there, cock-suckers. Somebody's got your lunch money in their pocket, bitch.

Or somebody who... Felipe, where's the other one? I don't know. Are you fucking kidding me? No. My man's got a Cheebo Cheefe. No, I'm all set, man. You're back.

Tonight's the fucking NCAA game. You don't have to eat one of those. Just give him a little piece of goomy beer. He'll be happy. No, that's the deck, you know. Yeah, that's too strong. Is that what I had? Oh, no, I can't do it.

You never had a deck. You never had a deck. I did, too, have a deck on Friday. You didn't have a deck on Friday. I gave you a seven milligram. I gave you 35 milligrams of sativa. You saw the devil. The reason why you saw the devil is because there's different types of weed.

Maybe a sativa. Sativa's worse? It sends you into a different dimension. Our friend Duncan Trussell says he swears that those white Cheebo Chews have heroin in them. Really? He doesn't tell you all day long. He says he eats one a day and a little piece of it keeps him alive. Oh, my God.

Lightweighty. Oh, my God. I don't even want to eat the deck. Eat a little piece of it. It's Monday, April 7th. How are you not going to eat a little fucking edible today? I did three days in a row. And then you took the Lord's Day off like a fucking regular juice.

And now you're back. You want to be back like Errol Smith in 2006, don't you? I do. Well, eat a little piece of Philippa. It's Monday. What do you have to do after this? Let's go party somewhere. Let's go party.

People must think you live the most excitedly. You're going to be at home 15 minutes after this is over. That's what I'm saying. Let's go party. You know what I'm saying? Let's go party. We'll take a ride. We'll put some music on.

We'll maybe smoke some vape. It's one of those last time we did a vape. You smoked pop right in the night, too. I did. We'll go to a computer store, fart in there and leave. That's right. We'll go to an iPhone store. You tell me about fucking cameras.

The problem is you always get high and go home. You let the walls creep up on you. Then you do what the rest of Americans do. You like that kid from Las Vegas vacation. You need to relax. You need to relax. I do relax. I was sleeping in the green room.

You just need to relax. That type of relax. You need to go out on the edible and do something. Get some sun in your head. It's beautiful. Henry, you don't talk. You're from the desert. Your people are from the fucking desert.

How do you not like the sun? I do like the sun. You don't chose to go in it? Not with edible? Are you crazy? You never go out in the sun. You like Dracula? That's true.

How do you tell them? Sit there and tell them you like the fucking sun. I like it. I've seen it before. You burn fast on the sun. Oh, God, yeah. You're like a lobster. He smells like fucking hummus.

He goes on fire. He smells like fucking hummus in French fries. The other night you were sweating. The hummus out of your pores is shit. I don't know why I was sweating. He's ready. You know what, man? Not that one.

You know, I try to fly with hummus for the half. I was that. What do you mean? Dude, I just did three days of roaming. Okay, let's get down. I'm all set. We need to loosen you up. I'm loose.

You can't think of your role model. Now you piss me off. How the fuck are you not going to think of your role model? Huh? How are you not going to think of your role model? I don't know. Dude, I'm fucked up all over. Take a little bite.

I'm okay, man. What are you coming on for? It's Monday. Oh, fuck it. Just give it to me. Take the fucking one. Eat the whole thing. No, I'm not eating the whole thing.

God damn it. God damn it. God damn it. Oh, what? I ate half of a half. Eat the other side. You're just saying we can't eat the other side. That's $2 bite right now.

That's $2 bite. Eat the other side. Make it a $3 bite. Make it a $4 bite. Go ahead. Take the other side. You eat half of the five bucks. One more bite.

What the fuck? Look at you chewing it. It's going to go into your mala skills. Go ahead. Get the fucking barrisome before you go. Aria, Aria is watching. So Aria is mad at you so you didn't eat the fucking thing the other day. I can't even win.

This isn't good radio. Fuck. This isn't what? No, no one wants to hear this. Sure they don't want to hear this. This is your trials and tribulations. You fucked up. You didn't have a role model.

Now you got to sit there. Next time you come in here, you better have a role model. We need to not prepare it. It's Monday. You didn't ask me about it. I didn't even know about it. I don't know about it. I believe nobody knows what they're all about. I haven't talked about mr. Cordado in years It's fucked up. Do you ever realize you can't remember your teachers names like even now?

I can't remember like I remember some of them, but in middle school in high school in college I can't remember their name. I missus Clark in third grade sister Anna in the fourth grade Sister Angela Marie in the fifth grade Mr. LaVito in the sixth grade mr. King well in the seventh grade mr. Barone seventh grade again when I got my back with numbers of tarnished in the eighth grade I had miss Walsh freshman homeroom I had mr. Tatara and I had oh fuck that's all I can remember myself I knew some of the gym teachers miss Bernhardt showed up my balls. He was a lesbian

You know, you know me and now my teacher my first teacher first grade teacher I don't remember her name second grade teacher was his hippie lady that she was hot her name was miss Huckabee and There was a third grade teacher named miss Lenoy. She was black beautiful lady, man I and then another teacher miss Reynolds was with her sidekick and then miss Reynolds She was like this man. She was like the first woman. I ever shared my dreams with I thought I want to be a wrestler And she She thought I was kidding. I thought I want to be a wrestler like like me mascaras like

Hogan Rodney Piper because my grandmother had taken me to a wrestling match Yeah, I had told my dad, you know my dad, you know, hey dad. I want to watch a wrestling all day You know dad. I want to go to this, you know, like you're a kid You don't know like the price of stuff or what if what the what if your dad takes you but not your other six brothers Yeah, so my dad just said fuck. No, you're crazy Sorry, like I just sat there pissed off mad dog in here We know so he left the room and then my grandmother called and said get ready Me and your uncle gonna pick you up to go to see fucking wrestling. Oh shit

So my grandmother took me to see wrestling and I see me mascaras Get fight Rodney Piper and I see all these crazy wrestlers my grandmother did like this is bad wrestler He's part of the bad side my grandfather stands up and slapped the fuck out of his back I Was like 12 or 8 look for leaping 12 or 8 Love me man My grandma would take money out of her tits and just give it to me man Like wrinkle of dollars money like old ladies sweat. Oh, yeah, we got a dollar to Lee

Yes, I didn't your mom put some money in the in the bra. I wasn't my mom problem older all the relatives I guess No shit. Yeah, okay Yes, I'm swinging the fucking check So I told miss Reynolds my third grade teacher the whole damn story man I would do like I will do two hours of conversation with her after school Like I'll stay an extra hour just to tell her my stories and adventures really and miss Reynolds like wherever you're at I know you're probably like gone But if you got no her title was up miss Reynolds

You were like joining like you see a person that you like and he has the same last name as one of your teachers And you can't help but ask them. Yeah, are you related? I always do that. Oh, we do that. I'm a dummy You know, I feel like an idiot. I asked this guy this guy on Facebook He's even Shaughnessy and say are you related to mr. Shaughnessy like no first name just mr. Shaughnessy He said yes, that's my dad. Okay, then he teach world history and hollow back junior high school Yeah, no, okay. All right, then mr. Shaughnessy was a history teacher and I was a horrible student But I love leaving the projects like those ever a trip where they're gonna go somewhere and look for artifacts But they're gonna leave out late. I was the first one to stand up

So he said extra credit for any student that wants to go with me to a teachers union meeting and I said, all right I'll go so it was like mr. Shaughnessy this other kid and three of us in his Volkswagen And he took us to a teachers union meeting without permission from the school You know getting fired, you know later on if I know he was a red This guy had a communist poster in the classroom, but I know what communist was he taught me, you know about You know about socialism You know what the craziest thing is I had it As far as I you know, I was really good with a lot of teachers. I tortured a lot of fucking there was a teacher

Mr.. Z I put a snot on that motherfucker every day for like a month and a half I had I would pick my fucking nose and put a snot on this guy I was like the running joke everybody when I come in I tap on the show that I was putting this and he would come in the next day with the fucking jacket on with the snot Frozen on his jacket bro to this day. I feel like an asshole about that. That's why cuz I tortured this boy I should torture miss Ishitani, man. Oh miss Ishitani. She was a little Japanese cooking teacher, man We have a book class and man. She she picked me up from day one like she didn't give me no knives Like she didn't give she didn't trust me with a fire

Like she knew right away that he was this guy like everybody everybody was cooking She made me write the whole the whole instruct the whole safety manual on paper So she could know that I read it when it was man when she would leave the classroom I will get all the eggs and I put them on her desk on her chair and then put her seat cover over it And she was sit down and all the eggs was mashed. Let's just start yelling and Japanese you know and I Spend in one time me and his asshole named Louie because it's Louie this fucking piece of shit his fucking mom and Dad used to own one of the fucking taco trucks. So this fool was in my cookie class, right?

So I would fuck with him every fucking day. What's up, Louie? Well, you what were you in this class? You're gonna take over the fucking family business dog or what? Are you gonna start cooking fucking taco with your fucking mom? So this fool got mad and he punched me So I started fucking his ass up man miss it's your time to try to jump in I push her out the way started punching them And it was I ended up being her favorite student at the end of the class because at the end of the at the end of the year I recovered after that fight. I fucking wrote down the whole worksheet You know, I shut the fuck up. I didn't like the class on fire. I didn't cut the class on fire, man I didn't leave the ovens on on the way out

But I used to steal every frog in the biology I don't know I just wanted all the frogs I steal them every day Outside the garbage I stole her for every day. She'd go. I know by the end of the day some business deal Then we started selling coke I stole all her scales the triple beams I broke into the school so every scale and there's fucking moron ratting me on I had to bring them all back except like four of them. They were gone for life Fucking amazing. How are you still every scale because you were going to the scale business pain was big Might take one. What I'm gonna do one from my house. I don't know how many skills you were good ones 24

We stole maybe 40 Jesus stole them put them in a car and took them home That's how you wait coke in those days. So everybody wanted to scale everybody wanted to scale in those days If you have a scale in your house, you weren't for real Even drug even people that didn't do Still have the sticker on a property of no drug in high school. It's amazing. I really had a triple beam in 19 If you want to be fucking cool people couldn't weigh themselves But I could weigh fucking three grams of blow or rice or fucking chicken college Fucking amazing great. I had a teacher man

I don't know when you're in when you're in when you're in elementary when you were in high school Junior high school did they still have those technical schools that don't have no more Yeah, like metal shop wood shop plastic welding the mechanic shop Oh, yeah, I went into the business of making ninja stars in seventh grade I had metal I have metal shop teacher and we had metal. I mean, I can't believe that was like 13 Fucking with welding kids fucking hard heavy. I was a fucking blacksmith So what I would do man while the teachers teaching man all my friends We will get those metals scissors. We had long metal sheets forever

Yeah, we would just make ninja stars and every time he would turn his back He would turn his back and start writing something. We will test them on which had a just throw a man Throw him at the backboard and if they got stuck those were the one that were worth five bucks I love how you said that the kids aren't monsters all these stories Can you imagine having 30 of you guys in a classroom? It would have been a disaster in the eighth grade we used to go every there was a shop, right? Yeah Three three football fields away. We go to shop right at the shop with bubble gum hubba bubble And we come back and we'd have a hubba bubble wall. We chew each other dog

I'll never forget how big bubble is no trouble. We had this Cuban kid. Listen, man There's no reason I didn't there's a reason why I became a comedian because it was those days No, we had a kid lose out of all that used to go No, no, it was it was a kid Orlando, South say don't ever go Like when the teacher was reading that's all he would do from the party with listen from 9 to 12 we were great But when we came back from lunch, we smoked weed Yeah, we got a piece of glass with a hole in it We'd smoke lead like a joint between 10 of us and we go back with packages of hubba bubble

And then be fucking when you put 10 pieces of hubba bubble in your mouth and you throw it It's like a fucking softball And I remember one day this kid was at the front of the class Right, no handle. I'll say though had about 50 pieces in his mouth and he would just sit there go Wow He threw the fucking bubble bubble at the kid and it knocked him out the kid went down The kid went down right he's crying. He's all about to his head and Orlando asked him what flavor This fucking kid that was I never forget this was the worst class I was ever involved in from this class today

There's definitely three people went to prison for life Charlie Gizzy for life for life Richie Colombo came back to beat up mr. Barone. He was a Marine He came back with the gun with the helmet the full battalion Barone was telling us a story at the premiere He goes you didn't know about that Richard Colombo came back ten years later fucking with the mask on and everything to kill Barone and Charlie Gizzy definitely he killed the kid down to five corners him and his brothers Definitely Charlie Gizzy was a kid that was an airplane went by he would get on his desk like this So you knew he was a gun yeah, and that's I'm gonna want I'm a teacher got sick

And we had a substitute and every day the substitute our goal was to make the bitch quit Wow, and I'm one but the most the sickest fucking thing they ever did was we had a Where our organization comes in? To tell you to try to sell you something like Easter Seals or for kids that have problems and shit And I'll never forget this his teacher came in and he had this look on his face like he was going to war And he goes I need to talk to you people seriously because there's a new disease going around He goes it's with kids and shit, and it makes kids walk Three feet per every 30 minutes, you know, can you imagine what life would be like?

And also Richie Colombo raises and the guy's like what just give him roller skates. I've never forget He goes give him a bro this guy's Just looked at him right and then he the guy proceeded to go into a fucking thing like he wasn't mad at Richie Richie you just ignore him and the teacher said something else and Right away somebody else said something. I'll never forget that this guy stopped me goes Before I came to this school. They said the eighth grade was the worst eighth grade in the history of North Bergen That was my eighth grade. We got thrown on a nutcracker suite for shooting paper clips at the fucking people on stage I don't know nutcracker during the nutcracker, Philadelphia. We got thrown out of petty who made the flag

Betty Ross's house. Yeah fucking Louis Hernandez tried to rob the sewing machine. No, no, no that being God this class was raw This class was fucking raw. Were there any kids like me in the front of the class like yes No, we loved them because they helped us out with homework and they figured out how to break into locks guys like you We put the work if you had brains you were loved in my neighbor There was no nerds in my neighbor because you were used for something you know how to rig a phone You know how to make a fucking small bomb kids like you knew how to make shit I had no my best friend was Michael Michael a lot of credit

Yale in the ninth grade or something He used to fucking oh, I can't even go into it this motherfucker used to do that I love you guys We had a teacher at Harlem back junior high school and he was a math teacher His name was mr. Right and let me tell you Everybody in that class did not belong in that class. They will use that class to ditch There was probably 13 students that were probably in the class But the rest of the 20 were from other classroom ditch in that class and this guy

I fought bad for him because nobody fucking listened to him and it was chaos dude But the way he will calm everybody down was mr. Right will do Hitler jokes Mr. Right will take off his glasses take off his glasses Put his hair to the side Take out his comb and put the mustache and go like this two Jews walk into the bar And they were never seen again Everybody want to just laugh

They will start asking why would they never seen again? Okay. You got want to learn now? You have want to learn about one word two You're gonna open up with a fucking joke I think I've definitely became a comedian today because I miss the tyrant old mr. Right miss. That's it. That's that's dog Nobody listened and you got to push the envelope. He opened up with a hitler joke. What's going on? Yeah, and he was even a history teacher with a math teacher, but he had to teach something and nobody fucking complained No, no, it's amazing, bro. I I saw a guy teach that I learned the style I learned something from a man named friends here and over that

He took a bunch of kids that wouldn't listen to anybody and when you went in there They were frozen Like it was like Jesus was on fucking stage They gave this guy all like the below average history things and he turned them into The the rule was you never cut him There was no reason to cut the guy you would not cut him because you don't want to miss a joke That's how good the guy was because as soon as you walked in what's going on he he trimmed his mustache He he you know he combed it and he make his eyebrows go up and down and then he'd make everybody get up

You know lisa I get up What's that shirt you got on? What are you fucking nuts or what sit down? Then he'd go to the girl. Look at those shoes. What are you spider-man? And he would just go go and the spanish kids you would torment look at those fucking cockroach killers And then that was it and then after that he'd get into it. That was it. You had to stop them You got to stop them and let you know and then after that it was like stealing And then he would read about shit and then he'd go, you know what? Fuck a blink and he'd get the record play and he put on wood stock and he'd say this is history

Trust me 50 years from now. You don't you're gonna give a fuck about a blinker But you're still gonna be listening to this album and he's right. I still put what's that? Once well, yes that was jim Morrison live at the hollywood bowl. God damn God damn lisa. What's up lisa? You getting off like that goobie bear you another piece. See you didn't need enough Look at your face is red now. Look at you. Look at the shape of this I had a teacher named mr. Root He's really funny you say that your teacher said your teacher said fucking he put on that album I have mr. Root who taught english, right? And one day he just said nobody was listening

I was making fun of him, you know, I thought he was white, but he was actually a chicano a mexican guy And one day he just said tomorrow Everybody just bring your favorite album your favorite rock album So man this long-haired stoner who never listens He falls asleep in his class all the time comes in high This guy brought the most albums of everybody and they were all iron maiden So the teacher played run to the hills the white man came across the sea That's a bad brother's pain and misery

So that's the first sentence that of the first lyric he wrote it done on the wall What does he mean by this and we talked about the iron maiden album? We broke down the whole album word by word grammar by grammar But then my mr. Root got real affected by run to the hills He goes, you know what this means the fucking white cocksuckers came over here And it was one stood one white student in the class named paul The paul and everybody was looking at paul a we have a student here by the way, uh, mr Chicano studies teacher here all of a sudden so this paul stood up and looked at mr. Root and said

Fuck you you fucking asshole And then he goes you see that's what I mean white people are afraid to admit their fucking guilt and they fucking That was it. Hey, yeah Sorry about that. No, but I'm sorry about that Is We're not smoking pot nobody's smoking pot. Why do people keep saying that nobody's smoking pot? I don't know I'm sorry about the noise today. We just got emotional

Close the door. Sometimes you get emotional What are you gonna do? You know what I say you insult the white people you can't say fuck white people Oh, just it was mr. Root. I got three white people. It was hit with jokes lee's It's the alley alley unified the school district Look at lee lee. What's up dog? That's not oh damn. He's at that level. No, no, no, I'm not I'm not that high. I just I was getting nervous Look, I don't I feel like my mom just yelled at me or something. What the fuck I do old lady the feds What are you gonna do? I thought it was last time somebody knocked like that. It was the feds

I was flush and blow without the fucking sink. I don't want to shit myself. I was No No, it stinks and Shut up. It always stinks in here. That's what they always say. We don't smoke no pot. Yeah, but nothing's going on Okay Hold on one second. What's the matter? You Taking over the I love it. See this I'm saying this is a good producer right here. Oh, yeah

I don't want his office space a little greater. So the San Fernando Valley who can use it No way Oh You know, it's funny man Right now with with her knocking and me being here and me being loud just remind me of um One time when I was getting all fucked up and Drinking a lot and you told somebody let me tell you man. Don't put Felipe as far as in your fucking car You you you fuck I don't give a fuck if you're fucked. There's nothing wrong with you

You have no warrants with Felipe in your car right now. You're gonna get fucking pulled over. He's a magnet Just tell them you were on tv. Give him like some free dvds or something. So go away. I was the last comic stand Well, Felipe was Fucking around Felipe was fucking around didn't rick rainbow's got a d. Y. Oh man poor rick. It was my birthday. It was my birthday party, man My birthday party. It was no two people and uh, I was at wall coyotes It was on saturday. It was my birthday. You know that you feel like you want to get fucked up And I had nobody but I had no car no more fucking my friend. I'm crashed it And I saw rick ramos, you know, that's why I'm doing shit. He has no lady. He has nobody

So I call him up. I say, what's up? We want to party. It's my birthday So the fool shows up tomorrow ballo And we're drinking we're partying. I'm drinking Then I said, you know what? Let's go. I gotta meet somebody over here in san gabo by a lannick boulevard My dealer he had a little bag a little birthday bag. They will sell it to me for half off Is that I'm smoky and having a good time and I flick a cigarette out the window, man And next, you know

Like those cops came out of nowhere, man, like christmas lights And then he goes, oh that's not getting paranoid. I said, oh, shit The first thing I'm thinking oh, shit. I'm glad we're getting pulled over before I meet the guy Yeah, and then um, they take out um, they put rick ramos on the back And they're searching them and they're testing them and they they give him a dny, bro They arrested his ass So believe it had to drive the car home rick was dying and then Oh, it was so sad because I call that fool every minute. Oh, bro. It's fucked up, man. I'm sorry, man

I'm sorry. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. If I learned if I hear about a tv crew that might call you up, bro Oh, that's fucked up, man. We're gonna have a fundraiser at wild coyotes for you, bro Get for your bail. Oh, man. I'm sorry, man That's hysterical That is hysterical and then um It's funny. I saw freddy sodos dad one time in opasso and he told me Felipe don't throw no secrets out of my car That is hilarious. Let me ask you something now This podcast you're doing now. What's up, fool? You kidnapped people you tell stories about kidnapping

Certain people get involved. This is when your hate day in my hate days And you do you have the people on the show telling the story with you like iro smith? Yes, I have um, juan garcy and I have kenny and um deal from houston Okay Remember that one remember that you and I did that one night at four white table We just got paid to sit down and then the show was over right and then I just took off Well that day I took off and I went to a party man with um With Keith manning and deal. We went to a under uh, we went to a after our party

With a black after our party. I invited black people to an after our party and um I'm there with them and it gets crazy and and so these guys tell their version of it because my version of it is Oh, I party I had a good time But when you're with when you don't party or it's like taking this I say taking leave with somewhere where there's coking where he don't do that stuff No, he sees it from a different perspective. So there's their perspective. Yeah, so juan garcia talks about how he used to babysit um

chef Garcia's son, you know for stage time And how in richa ria used to cut his grass For stage time. So he talks about that. We don't say their names. We just say this idiot comedian We don't want people to expose them out there or nothing like that. It's pretty funny. We were we were in bad shape at one time Uh, it's it's lee. It's two different worlds if you see him and I now And him and I say 12 years ago I can only imagine we wouldn't even be sitting here till in the afternoon 12 years ago This would be here for a reason

We'd be here for a reason right now be the mug you or steal a microphone Scratching tables take a camera. It's uh, it's really amazing to see that I love that you guys would do that and you you would you stole your teacher's car keys And I had a panic attack because there's some old lady who i'm never gonna see again got mad at me You know, it's uh, uh, it's really amazing. I tell people all the time. I I never never never knew I wasn't gonna get off drugs I never ever ever knew I thought it was for good and then I seen the movie ray And that made me think I didn't want to do drugs till I was fucking 64 years old. That was not gonna happen Either that or I was gonna fucking die or something. I just didn't see it. So to be here with you sitting in with clean

It's fucking amazing. Who gives a fuck about so, you know, it's it's funny like if people knew like let's say we told people We smoked 10 joints a day people would say something but if they knew it's 10 years ago, they'd go Leave me alone Just leave me fucking alone. You know, it's amazing It's amazing how we call each other to test each other out at seven in the morning. What are you doing? I'm about to go work out. What are you doing? Nothing. I'm sitting here. I'm gonna write a joke We're both looking for a package. We're too ashamed to tell each other, right? But we both pick up the phone on the first fucking ring. I would call them for four in the morning from anywhere

what's going on I was It was just a really weird time and but it's part of being And I can't say this because not everybody every comedian did it But it was part of our journey And it made us about a comic, you know Once we got off this shit and the drinking and the drugs and just You know, bro, look it. It's not doing drugs. It's a motherfucker. It's a time. We spent thinking about them Put an hour together having Rick Ramon drive me to

Atlantic City or whatever. Fuck. He was letting Boulevard. You know, that's where you That's where your time is. That's why to even be a comic is but I was a comic to fuel my addiction But at the same time when I was addicting it made me a better comic because I was out of real life We were out doing three four fucking sets a night Even if we got 60 dollars, that's all we needed 60 dollars. That's all I needed I knew like once I got a 60 dollars I knew that I could like I could work with that, you know, and I'm gonna get I would say I'm gonna get drunk at this bar for free And these 60 bucks. I'm gonna do to recover

It's amazing Monday nights at the sunset room, I mean it was a six night a week thing you say Three nights this week and got high that Doug, our week started on Monday and sometimes by Wednesday you pulled more night Then you go to Casa Latina on Tuesday You still got a Thursday Friday saturday contending and you got to take a plane on saturday morning On top of this addiction. No sleeping tired No money

We never had fucking money. You're not a credit card ATM machine. There was nothing. I didn't have a check in the college We couldn't we couldn't we Yeah, we couldn't because it get fucking confiscated Even though I was paying child support Every 90 days I would go to my bank account and there was 120 dollars taken out Oh one oh one oh eight take you know this to go to a restaurant or something you go to pay with your ATM card And there's no money in there. You just put 100 dollars in because child support took it It's fucking amazing that life

That that life. It's a fucking nightmare and I was paying child support I was paying it It's it's it's just an amazing thing that I made it through that man I I never thought you know, I kept paying the child support and it was going nowhere The payment was fucking going nowhere You know why because I was paying the state of california and their interest rate was out the when I called colorado colorado I tell them to go fuck themselves. You only owe us $4,000. You're paying into a fight fucking fund The order came from cal colorado didn't come from california. It's fucking amazing how people take your money

And we go to jail. You know what I'm saying? We're motherfuckers that go to jail. So you have no idea I mean it was uh It was a journey for both of us. That's why when he won last comic standing I fucking cried Because I was an happy for him. I was happy for his journey. They could be done If you really want to do something you can fucking do it jack. Yeah drugs missing a leg missing an eyeball an arm I don't give a fuck Emotionally your cat died your mother died two days ago This is what you do man. This is what it's all about and I'm happy. It's you're doing a fucking podcast. I'm happy

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. We're gonna get there. Yeah, I just started doing a podcast It's called what's up fool podcast with Felipe Esparza. Where did you come up with that name? I don't know. Can I say what's up? No, I'm joking. He says a lot I came up with what's up fool? You know, man, it's weird like I Every like sometimes I get offered coke at different places like sometimes I'm doing I'm doing laundry at the laundromat and I see a fan and he passes by And he sees me. Hey, maybe you want to do a bump And man, I get tempted man. I get I say no, but I really mean yes the whole time saying no, I'm going like this

No, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. But then when he leaves I regret it. I regret saying no Like I start thinking about how how could how could I get away with this? Okay, that's how I do it next time man next time somebody offered me drugs I'm gonna just take off with my fiance's car for five days and then they park it somewhere and then tell her I left it there. So she won't call the cops man. You start drinking like a like a drug addict again. You start Being scandalous man, like you're a fucking carnartist when you're a crackhead Because man, I would

I would like use people man That's the whole my podcast all about how I used to use to meet young comics Like when Joe Diaz said that he could teach a young kid the right stuff me I could see a young comic who's just starting off and I'm a drug addict Okay, I'm a big drug addict and I see a young comic with two good jokes, but a full tank of gas Everybody's a pork chop Everybody was a pork chop. If I went to 7-Eleven with you if I If I went to 7-Eleven with you

And you got soda and you pulled 20 on I saw three 20s in your wallet. One of those 20s is gonna be mine by the end of the day Yeah, I remember you I'll tell you some fucking story. I'm how I needed that 20 You know I'm saying there was no fucking way you weren't gonna give it to me It's amazing It's amazing. Your whole life is a fucking People low after this. I remember at least we finished when you were the fuck out of here before the cops come when I was when I when I saw um, donnie brosco And um, what's his name on pochino's character? He came asking for that 20. That's how you were man. Oh, yeah

Are you open up like you open up an envelope? He like a piece of it was mine. There was no way it wasn't mine And it was hysterical how people would take money out in front of me and I go You know, remember he was just tax you like for no reason. It did just give it a 20. You gotta give me a 20 What the fuck? We're friends. I don't know what you're friends for 20. What the fuck is wrong with you? Give me a fucking 20 I love that logic. I don't want to be friends with you. Just give me a 20. Give me a 20. What's the big deal? You got six of them in your pocket. You just show them. You got six of them

I gave you 20 last week. Well, give me another 20 or your 40. What's the big deal? We're friends. What the fuck? Hey, how about when um, you were hanging out and you were we were just Talking in the back of the comedy store how nobody here hustling nobody running numbers And you came up with an idea how you got some cash. You went with gay, bro What we do is we just see a young comic no number hundred dollars But at the end of the week title to pay with 75 and I asked you what if you don't pay? Let me tell you that motherfucker's gonna pay It's amazing

And that you don't have to hit nobody hit him in the head. It's just amazing when you talk to people don't pay you It's amazing. It's amazing people, you know, especially if you're thiefing If you're thiefing and I saw you you had to give me a 20 What's the thiefing if you're thiefing if you have to let's say if I know you were selling coke and you have to make him 34 and I take a 20 from me. What the fuck? What's 20 hours? You just made 400 hours. What do you care? But when I made 400 if I see I throw you a 20 too. Okay, that went two ways

You follow me There's a street thing and then there's this other shit Because you never know you might see me one day and I got eight bills on my pocket You might go, Joe, I'm having a bad day take a yardstick. You were there for me four fucking times Ah, that's the other hand of the fucking thing That is true or one day you might need a gig and I'll call you and so bro This guy got a gig for you for 500 bucks. You're worried about the 20 you gave me on that and all of a sudden you're like, you're right Here's the fuck amongst friends

Fuck like what's how I was um, I was like I was still partying It was like four in the afternoon and I called him up and I said, what are you doing? Me met the me met the 7-Eleven you always shoplift that And then I met him there and I was like put it this way Joe Diaz has not been part of for three days and had and I had that face that you don't want to see From somebody who's sober three days, you know, you want to be like that But you don't want to see when you're when you're sober As a as a cold kid, you don't want to be reminded of other cold kids

So I showed it up and I knew I had that face, but I gave Joe Diaz $200 to hang out with me for 30 minutes It's amazing man It's amazing, uh What you do the little partners like I had me him and my castle the werewolf the the wolf the wolf And we would call each other like what do you got Lee? Dog I'm Lee cut it out. What do you got? I got $30, but it's gonna last me till Friday Lee come get me I got $30 to you want to stay home like a fucking faggot We only get some blow and go down to the commie still have a few drinks

Come on down and get me and next thing you know, you're out man And next you know, you're telling me and the next thing when I when he picks me up He's really got 60 and I go, where'd you get the other 30 from? All right. I need this for next week I'm taking Paul out. Give me the fucking $30. Let's go And you're out. That's it next paula paul is monday. Yeah, it's from wednesday. We'll worry about paul on monday Okay, I'll give you back the 30 bucks on monday, but today i'm gonna snuff blow Let's not blow. What the fuck? That's it. That's it

That's a fucking friends dude, dog. That's why this guy's sitting here now. How many gigs he get me? I remember one night we were in Fresno, and I bought blow and he was a silent Bob And I told him to come to the room, but it wasn't blow with speed I was never so fucking embarrassed in front of these guys. My jaw was going. I was sweating. I had two cigarettes in my mouth The whole fucking time why because the speed was making me go fucking bananas Yeah, man, we were watching the bomba the bomba in the hotel room with the door open fucking sweat and bullish with the air on You had no fucking idea and you had a little piece of fucking goomy bit you turn him red and shit Yeah, is that what you're trying to tell me? Yes, I haven't done any of that shit. Should I sidekick you to diaphragm now fucking later?

I just Like since you're a bigger comic now, they're putting you in nicer hotels Like I wish you would still do this stuff in those kind of hotels and just get the knots under like Let me explain some to you If you only think about me, I hate those big hotels Why I'd much rather be at a medium-range hotel where I could do whatever the fuck I want because there's no responsibility in those hotels When you're staying, all right, you can't fucking Spark you can't you know have a party to eat no more and somebody's gonna knock on the fucking door

You got a businessman next to you You can't jump on the down Maybe you want to be in a medium-range hotel people getting tied up and stabbed next to you So whatever the fuck you're doing don't mean dick. You know what I'm saying? You gotta get together nice hotels. You need like a like a comfort and it was a balcony That's why I just stayed you didn't eat free breakfast. You told me yourself. You didn't eat the free. I did one morning. How bad was it? I didn't try the eggs. I just got the muffle I got one of those

Terrible waffles that you pour in the little thing and twist it around in the cooks. Were they hinders? Yeah Did it smell did the hotel smell like a dude? Kind of a little bit. They didn't have bacon. They only had sausage. I was like You were um You were wake you wake up early in the morning You just came back from radio and then you see you see like a buffet there Then you go there

But like usually like you but it's not it's not for the for the guests. It's for like a banquet or something But you don't know So this was what happened to me man. Um, I was the Sheraton right here in Ventura So I came back because I always stay At the four points in right here in my tour and the Sheraton in Ventura because it's cleaner than all of them around there And I go there, you know, and I get I start making my omelet my my oatmeal because that's the only thing I could eat It's oatmeal because I'm vegan. So I'm making oatmeal. I put bananas and I need brown sugar There's no brown sugar there

I go I take my oatmeal to the front desk carrying the oatmeal and I excuse me. Is there any brown sugar? She goes I'll get you some so then she went she went to go get it for me and then this Gestapo Looky white cocksucker, right the fucking white cocksucker asshole piece of white cocksucker piece of shit Motherfucker, right comes up to me and goes put that down Just like that put that down And and I said, I don't know what you're talking about, sir He goes, are you part of that banquet? I said, no, well, you need to put that down

And I said, you know what? I am not going to put that down. How about that? And he goes, no, I'm gonna need to put this down and I said, all right, you fucking piece of shit I'm gonna put this oatmeal down right now and I put it right on his fucking feet There's your fucking oatmeal. You racist piece of shit. This was last week On the first this was last week and I wrote a I yelp this shit, right? Then I asked them Do you work here? There you go. Wait I don't know. I have talked to you guys before. I need to talk to you. Okay, we'll finish it. Close that door, bro

You're happy with yourself. I mean So I'm wondering what's up happening. So, um, I ended up, um, I ended up, um I said I went back to my room angry I'm gonna punch him. I want to beat his ass So then I just waited and I went downstairs and asked the front there. What is his name? That man, who is he? Oh, he's a general manager that piece of shit He's a general manager with poor customer service skills He shouldn't be arguing with customers like that over a fucking oatmeal

So I got his name is in the victor dollar and I wrote a big yelp review about how Horrible his customer service is You know that he shouldn't be first of all general manager shouldn't be walking up to somebody a And be in charge of oatmeal or buffets, you know, especially if the buffets in front of the Lobby, yeah, so it's a mistake that anybody could make, you know, like, okay You have a buffet in front of the lobby. I didn't know it was part of the convention You know, you should approach me and say, excuse me, sir This oatmeal is for that convention

You need to put that down but to come up to me and speak to me like a little boy put that down Fuck him. Yeah, so I wrote a review. I wrote letters to the Sheraton all the Sheraton's You know teach this guy how to treat people right or how to speak to Mexicans, you know You know, maybe he speaks to all his Mexican employees like that, but you know Shit, I It's not what you say. It's how you say it. You don't come up to me speak to me stern, man. You're not a teacher Yeah, I know exactly so I was angry bro. I felt like I should just beat his ass But I couldn't beat his ass dude because when I was coming from Toronto

Border the immigration stopped me and I stood two hours I missed my flight because immigration found out that I had a I don't have a criminal record, but I've been arrested but never charged It's like being nominated for an Oscar but never winning, you know, so they matter So they they stopped me at the I just stood there, but I was in an immigration booth and where they keep all the immigration people In a in a hall and I was the only brown face there There was a lot of russians there a lot of white russians put it this way, bro

I was there. I was thinking that I was going to get deported and arrested for I don't know what I got on I got on um tactic mode like survival mode Like I was already sizing up which russian I was gonna punch first to scare the rest of them, you know And then I saw three brown faces come in. I was thinking, okay One of these guys is tough. I'm gonna have to sell one of them to somebody else, you know I was already planning it out, bro. Like I'm gonna get this didn't mean this brown guy We're gonna fucking stab these motherfuckers right here right now to let them know we're in charge And then this weak motherfucker once we get to the real prison, we're gonna sell him, you know

So I was already planning it out, but I was fucking scared, dude Jesus what they come back and say about you going right away They let me go and they told me that you should you should you should just become an american citizen and avoid all this Shit, so I'm thinking so you could you could commit more crimes as an american citizen And stay in a country than you can do as a permanent resident Oh, shit Yeah, the other whole time I was thinking about you the whole time I was there, man I can just imagine that's why I don't fucking go to canada

Let me give some shout outs to some fucking people and wrap it up so we can get a victim today Sorry about that man. I'm gonna get you other victims. No, we're getting in trouble all the fucking time I'm gonna give a shout out to my main man ross Preston jitsgear.com. They sent me some great gear They sponsored jeremy stevens go to their website there lorry in texas. I love you cocksucker My little brother timmy hollow way timmy h and his boys Steven boosts Deena dog and oska. Hernandez. You bad mother fuck up also a shout out to my sponsors. What's happening? I'm fucked up already from a little piece. Do you see what I'm saying?

I need today you not at all. You got up at six in the morning. What's up? I think I got up at like nine I'm gonna need nothing. No You're fucked up. Yeah, you're fucked up Anyway, go to honet.com. All right for all your health needs whether it's alpha brain whether it's strong bone Fucking immune whether it's the hem force protein. That's getting more and more delicious the chocolate I got the outside even though I liked it, but I like the fucking chocolate a lot better All your fucking health needs go to honet.com. Also dollar fucking shave club

Putting it together for you or as you church it on it. What's that code word at if you go to honet Go to joydeas.net go to the box go to honet order. You get 10% off. What's the code word from church? Church, thank you for reminding me. You know what I'm saying? I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. Everything's beautiful Also dollar shave club. Let me tell you something as usual I got like four thank yous this week and one guy goes you're right You could stab somebody with the with the hand only because it's pretty fast And it's tough Please if you're gonna why stand online rusty raises the whole fucking bullshit deal get these things sent right to the house

No drama one dollar six dollars and nine dollars a month. Who's better than that shit comes right to you I got an email from them today that I'll get it like uh next week or something like that Right, you got an email like three or four days before they tell you you throw the fucking razor away You pop the other one two days later. You get your fucking blades in the mail tremendous durable They last for a long time. They got two blades Fuck that little dude now shaving one blade taking those skills don't sound bad When I was locked up in prison the guy cut my head with a fucking straight razor the best haircuts I used to get Anyway, go to dollar shave club right now. Go to joeydeas.net

In the box. What are you pressed brother church? Church ch u r c h For the best razors out there. Also my main motherfuckers also at hulu plus 799 a month if you go to hulu plus dot com you're pressing joey. Listen. Let me tell you some of the shows they have Unbelievable from shark tank To what else is on there, bro? The daily show family guy bob burgers night show bobs burgers the tonight show You want it? You got it. You want to binge on different shows? You want to watch them on roku your iphone Your fucking tablet whatever a sheet on the wall. Whatever you got hulu plus or deliver if you go to hulu plus dot com It's gonna cost you 799 a month here to get one week for free if you tell me no uncle fucking joey

You get two weeks for free two bitch two gratis who gots nothing there you have it That's how I roll go to hulu plus today and get started. All right. What are you pressing the box joey joey? joey just in case you don't want to sesame steep growing up Also to my main people escape pod tank dot com making it happen Making it happen call them up on the 800 line They'll talk to you go to their web page. Look at the different tanks. They have they have industrial tanks commercial tanks You got tanks for your house if you want to jump out in the tank in the ocean They even got a tank for that go to their web page. See what they got calling my man up

He'll talk to you. It'll help you out. He'll walk you right through it They great tanks plus your save at least two three g's off the tank off the top That's how they roll once you mention church joey d has the flying jiu or yamaka a jiu sneaker Boom, you get 250 dollars off. That's how we roll that lisa. Yeah, you understand Who's better than you? No one is fuck. I love you. What what do you got? I got the monkey guys. You got the fucking mug. We're going presale this week We got the mugs. We got the patches and the patches on fire. I knew they would stupid fucking Jiu-jitsu g patches people love all that shit. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

My man Felipe spars is here today. I had a good time with him. He's fucking nuts. That's why I love this guy You know what I'm saying? It's like talking to an uncle What days does the podcast get released? The pocket gets released. Um What the first and third fridays of the month the first and third fridays It'll be foos fridays foos friday and it's called what's up food.com. You can find it on soundcloud Or odd things comedy or my web page philippesworld.com And on stature too we on stature and on itunes

Felipe sparsa. What's up foo? Look out for it Um, I don't have a guest host. It's just me and rodrigo tori sometimes or christor and or wherever I find in the streets um I'll be a flappers and bird bank a um april 18 and 19 Tempe improv made second through the fourth I'm going to albuquerque new mexico for the first time may eight as santa anastar casino I'm going back to tusan. I haven't been there since buxies and i'm fucking loud I'll be at tusan may nine realtor theater

And victoria texas may 15 through the 17 at goling gecko Orlando improv may 22 Just totally go to philippesworld.com because you're confusing me with the fucking dates. You don't want that one. You don't want that one. You don't want this poor people confused You give them 19 dates so you can't even write that fucking fast unless they want the speed writing whatever the fuck that is when court stenographer Whatever the fuck that is when you write next week cocksucker. I'm here. I was just on steve simulans podcast good times So, uh, yeah here packing so listen to this week's episode of good times And uh, just thank you to everyone who was coming it came out to the shows. It was really nice And i'll be a dr grins and grand rapids michigan this weekend. That's it. You understand me. I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow

And let's move an extra presses charges. That's right. And we got pita seagull calling tomorrow from a grudge match When the cb gets released. I love you guys stay black Then you have me podcast tomorrow philippe spaza philippe's world. Thank you for having me man. Here they cut suckers Okay, yeah, we're 10 a.m. Not not wednesdays this week another the shows over Don't forget to sign up for hulu plus hulu plus that depends on thousands of shows Anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus dot com slash joey Or go to joey deas dot net and click on the hulu plus banner

And don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club dot com get high quality razor sent to your door Each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Go to dollar shave club dot com for its last church or just go to joey deas dot net and click on the dollar shave club banner So Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god I don't know but today seems kind of high No barking from the dark No small and mama cooked the breakfast with no home. I got my girl phone, but didn't dig out

Finally got a call from a girl. I want to dig out Hooked it up for later as I hit the door thinking while I live another 24 I gotta go because I got me a drop top and if I hit the switch I can make the ass drop Had to stop at a red light looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight and everything is all right I gotta beat from kim and she could fuck all night Caught up the homies and I'm maxing y'all which part are y'all playing basketball Give me on the court and I'm troubled Last week fucked around and got a triple double freaking niggas every way like mj. I can't believe today was a good day

I Drove to the pad and hit the showers didn't even get no static from the cowards because just yesterday Them booze tried to pass me Saw the police and they wore white past me no flexing didn't even look in the niggas direction as I ran the Intersection with the show dogs house. They was watching you on tv wraps What's the haps on the craps shake them up shake them up shake them up shake them Roll them in a circle of niggas and watch me break them with the seven seven eleven Seven eleven seven even back don't little jump

I picked up the cash flow Then we played goals and I'm yelling domino plus nobody I know got killed in south central Today was a good day I Left my niggas house paid picked up a girl been trying to fuck sister 12 It's ironic. I had the rule. She had the chronic relatives be the super sign I felt on the big fat fanny pulled out the jammy and killed the poor nanny and my big ones deep so deep Put her ass to sleep

Woke her up around one. She didn't hesitate to call ice cube the top gun drawer took a pad and I'm coasting Took another sip of the potion hit the three wheel motion. I was glad everything had worked out Drop the ass off and then churned out Today was like one of those fly dreams didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams No helicopter looking for a murder to win the morning got the fat burger Even saw the lights of the blue gear blend and it went ice cubes up Drunk as hell but no throwing up halfway home and my page is still blowing up Today, I didn't even have to use my ak. I gotta say it was a good day

Oh Oh Hey, wait a minute, stop this shit. What the fuck I'm thinking about You