Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #170 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 22, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 04/21/2014.

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of what's happening now or joey Diaz they're going to save you an additional $250 off. Oh shit oh shit it's that time special edition church of what's happening now April 21st Monday the day the devil was fucked in the muffler and thrown into some river somewhere off the coast of New York City you bad motherfuckers kick a leak kick that motherfucker leak bounce it leak oh shit oh shit oh stop it motherfuckers oh shit special edition audio is kicking I'm stoned to the gills I had a chocolate bar today two candies and what you want to do what I got a pocket full of rubbers in my home boys do too oh shit Monday night cocksuckers get it together

east coast it's midnight I'm sorry and I gotta get up and go to work in the morning turn it off Lee what the fuck I realized that after we left today you know I was like he ate half of that 750 milligram bore and I went home my plan was I only slept for fucking hours last night so my plan was to win the podcast one kaputz I was gonna go home eat something play with the baby till nine then taking that I hung out with the baby like I always do I watch those ABC videos and all that shit and you know the wheels on the bus go round then round the doors click click click I watched all that what I played with and then nine o'clock I went in being gray I grabbed and I said gray we're taking a fucking nap cocksucker and I finally popped my head up a

10 to 10 I couldn't fall asleep so I said fuck it I got out I wrote the end of the chapter I sent some emails I got aggravated you know me though it was a beautiful fucking day to be alive then you called me what happened oh fucking so that candy didn't work on you a little bit but not really didn't take it wasn't as good as a half a goomy no no not god those goomies any bone okay no as long as I know but I was just I thought I was gonna get high because it started to kick in and I was driving home from here because I had a piece of equipment at my house so I went I was driving home on Moorpark which it's a really small street and right at Laurel Canyon this cop pulled up next to me and his side view mirror hit mine

on the left hand side I'm on driver's side shit so I was like fuck and it wasn't me I was stopped and he just hit it and I just like I froze it was a red light and he he stopped and when the green light came up I kind of pulled up but I was like I think it's okay guys and they were like pull over let's just make sure I was like fuck so I pulled up into a little strip market I got out and if it had been broken I probably would have said let's just go because I didn't I didn't want to be high enough fucking anxiety attack paperwork so I like I just looked there was nothing wrong with it um but they like I just left and I got paranoid but you didn't get to get out of jail free card nothing on these cocksuckers I should have done so yeah

you gotta do something all I imagined was Ari yelling at TSA I was like would he fucking yell to these guys but I saw some I saw a video tonight I'm like kids at a bar yelling at cops who are resting their friends and cops don't fuck around anymore this guy this cop tackled the kid and I was like holy shit so I was like no I'm just gonna get out of here somebody put a video of a deer getting shot by a cop there why do you people post those fucking videos at night what is the inside like that some idiot months ago posted the fucking zebra getting killed by the fucking giraffe I don't get what people I don't like that shit I don't want to see nobody suffering you know you know who's the worst and she's she's great she Melissa Eva Perez from San

Jose every fucking day on Facebook two kids kidnapped and burned and it's like no yeah she's the kiss attack she loves that shit like why are you posting that stuff but it's just uh it was a crazy day but fuck it we're back no we're back I'm sorry about the audio today that shit fucking happens you know I'm saying I I mean I can't control it I didn't get any fucking borders unbelievable I think no I'm straight but it was uh yeah I went home my knee is fucked up I put ice on it when I went home when I woke up I put level elevated and about one o'clock I got bored to death about 1230 and the heat of the sun I went outside started doing kettlebell swings just sweating and I fucking started is that okay for your knee cleans you know what man I gotta do something to move

the blood around because I walking hurts a little bit and I was taking a hit in the bag at the Y I just didn't want to lose my parking spot these motherfuckers by my house notorious dog I'm fucking anti-anxiety I am anxiety written over my parking lot I will rather sit home and eat nothing than get my fucking car and lose that parking spot I hold on to that mother that's how you know you're getting fucking old oh yeah when I'm doing two things lately that are just embarrassing to even talk about but I'm gonna talk about what are you doing I'm doing not leaving the house because I don't want to lose my parking spot yeah in front of the house I like that spot in front of the house I will kill a motherfucker for that but I will walk to the bodega and get like you know stupid

shit so I don't have to leave the house I got enough food at the house and I'm stealing sweetness from fucking restaurants when I go on the road you put them in a little napkin in case they break no I put them in my fucking pocket I don't give a fuck it is the weirdest thing because every coffee every fucking hotel room I go down the road has a crune egg or a fucking coffee machine but it's only like two sugars and stuff they give you two fucking sugars like you're sitting there at midnight trying to drink coffee watching law and order and there's no fucking sugar so now you gotta call room service they won't open the door because you got no do not disturb so it takes some 20 minutes they go right back downstairs and call you hi you do not disturb son is on

then you come back up how about the time I put the fucking thing in the coffee's goddamn cold so what was the point of it I just get aggravated yeah so I think I got a box of fucking sweet and low at the house do you think I put it in my suitcase fuck no I leave it at home every goddamn week yeah and then I go on the road and I realize at fucking 12 o'clock that I need a little coffee because I like drinking coffee at night one cup before I go to bed I sleep like a fucking soldier nice because it takes me up and then right down I crash baboon oh okay you following the fact that's old school mentality cocaine days you know what goes up must come down cocksucker when I was testing the audio and waterbox are called just because I was bored I didn't want to

talk to myself and he was telling me a good way because I was like he was telling me how he does the edibles and he goes out I'm like how do you do it he says he drinks is like an energy drink right after he eats the edible so it's like it's like a heroin brings down cocaine brings you up it's like a little mix so that's how he walks around that's good for him I don't know the water bottle them jump out did he call the podcast he just called me I was just testing the audio you wanted to see what was crack I like yeah I put it up on twitter but something weird happened today uh I was never really emotional but as I get older I want to hear what you have to say about 925 what old I don't know I'm older that's what everyone says everyone says I'm young but I feel

old um the the Boston bombing thing they had all the videos today of the marathon I started getting teary eyed I wasn't there for it but just seeing the pictures and the people hugging like you weren't in New York for 9 11 but how did that affect you I was pissed really I didn't get pissed that morning I was pissed later on because uh I know what it does to people those people that were walking around that day you know I got pissed when I heard the stories that I'm taking the ferry over like they were just fucking frozen I can't imagine being at the Boston Marathon last year that was the one of the most thoughtless fucking things who knows why they didn't who the fuck knows these people nowadays yeah who the fuck knows I did stupid shit when

I was 21 I would never think of doing something like that for kicks but who knows what their motors were and uh whatever and they have a show on ng whatever discovering that national geographic about them getting caught did you see it no I didn't see it pretty fucking interesting and how they they shot the kid and blah blah blah and the other kid went into a fucking boat and hid how the pictures they the FBI saw the pictures and when the bomb went off those two didn't move yeah that's how they knew it was them it was very interesting how the FBI catches you and now you know man we got fucking cameras everywhere not cameras everywhere you have to assume there's a camera watching you at all times even a black and white little fucking porno camera

that won't see your dick or your hair but it sees you and it'll fucking show you in court you know some guy'll come in and clear it up in fucking court so who the hell knows Lee I just my heart goes out so the Boston marathon was today correct yeah it was today and you know what I'm gonna put some people off but and tell me if I'm wrong tell me but just seeing all those people out there it's something I don't see out here I don't know what it is but East Coast people in the towns like there was so much pride for Boston and it just it made me like I started tearing up and I just made I don't feel that out here for people from this city so maybe I'm wrong maybe I just don't don't interact with them empty city man yeah I have a lot of problems at this city

I have a lot of problem with friendships in this city and how they work how everything is to let people know that they know you after that there's no friendship there's no friendship you know when I grew up those were friends I had around me those motherfuckers I could count them for anything I had a great time with them when I went out you know when I went out I had a good time with them from the heart here I see people for a few hours and I feel their fucking death I feel because maybe things aren't going that way when I'm around people who sold their fucking soul I leave them and I leave I feel like shit for three or four fucking days people sell their fucking soul that's the people you fucking people clap for and cheer for and jump up and down for these people sold

their souls you're like Joey what do you mean the devil showed up with a pen but no no somewhere along the line they over they ignored something something natural that comes over you because they thought what they were doing is is completely better than what somebody like you somebody at home is doing you know they have this air to them that they're better than everybody because they have three dollars or because they're on tv or because they've done a movie and I never understood for me it's always been about the job for me it's not because I'm better than anybody I'm lucked out I'm not even close to doing that shit but I just that's what I don't like about it and that's why when you go to a dodger game people leave in the sixth fucking inning

you know that's the big knock about the dodger games yeah parking is hard and walking out of it's hard but it's like that there uh Johnny come lately fans there's a word for those type of people it's like bandwagon it's like after the Boston Red Sox one the Boston Red Sox hat now is fucking as big as the Yankee hat maybe you know because everybody wants to wear Boston for years when they were losing nobody wore a Boston Red Sox hat you understand me uh it's amazing the loyalty that we have here we have no loyalty like I said it's between me getting the job or you getting the job I'll badmouth fucking leave to get the job even though I've known you for 15 fucking years you know yeah uh I look at this town I could tell you I probably have four close friends you know

and you're one of them you know I'm saying Ari I mean I that that the rest are just fucking acquaintances because I know I look at somebody and I know if I ever gotten a beef and I had to call them to bail me out the cash wouldn't be there they'd hang out and make up a story how they couldn't get the ATM card didn't work and then I would look at them weird I would never look at them the same way so that's why I don't even put them close to me because I know these people aren't worth their weight in gold it's fucking amazing that the things you hear out here and the things that you go through out here and the commitment level and different levels of acting and stand up and you know how for some people this is a flash in the pan and they you'll see

them three years later they don't even do this no more that they're doing something completely different now because this was too hard or this is for faggots or you got to be gay to be in Hollywood you know you don't be comics and kind of coming fucking gone and you see them years later are you still out there and they may be like yeah I'm still out here bitch doing nothing in the sun lifting fucking kettlebells while you're out here sweating your fucking life off I got insurance I got a fucking pension I wasn't supposed to have things like that you heard my fucking story you know I'm saying so I don't know yeah I understand where you're coming from I don't give a fuck if you get heat no and there's some solid people out here it's not the people but maybe it's because I've

met a lot of people that aren't in the entertainment business that are very solid oh yeah when I go to towns like Whittier and all those places to do comedy I meet some fucking solid do they have LA pride like I was from from Boston and stuff I always like when it comes to but then again you know when you go to a Lager game it's more to be seen that's what people understand about out here it's but that's going on with the next two god forbid you don't have the first three rows in a nick game and people can't see you on tv and you're drinking a beer and you're cheering and you're young you know I never saw what that's all about I'd rather stay home I'd rather be on some fucking I'd rather be out on a fucking couch with you smoking a joint with onion talking about stupidity

about a podcast or something that's been the way with me constantly yeah it's it's really surprising when people go I want to go into the green room or I want to hang with you guys after a show listen since I've known Rogan I don't do nothing they used to go to strip clubs and then as the years they progress they go to a bar then we go back to the hotel and then you start doing less and less things you know there's no fucking party here it's amazing how it's I said that in tempi we like we're sitting there after the show and everyone was just quiet in the room and and like after the show you're like you're hungry and I was like and you know we just went back to our rooms and I was like this isn't like I thought it was gonna be a big party and and and go and hang out to five in

the morning the comedy show yeah that's the fucking party that the party is doing the show and then going home like I've said a thousand times for years I would consider those things real party and after a comedy show I'd go party and guess what by Saturday night you're paying $22 to come see me and I'm sucking yeah I'm sucking because I'm tired I'm like my fucking mind's not straight and that's what happened to me for fucking years man we think people just get funny no they put all the elements together maybe they were funny and they couldn't put a joke together maybe I could put a joke together but the dedication of my commitment yeah there's so many things then comes a point where one day you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you put five of the seven

elements together and you move a little forward yeah and that's what you helped me do that's what we did you understand me but that's that the whole thing of it and that's with boxing that's what happened with Rob Robbie Lawler you've been around for 12 fucking years not some motherfuckers got getting beat up getting submitted comes back to the UFC the guy's got a fire in his eye okay he's just lost the last fight for championship round base 32 years old he's not going anywhere he learned from that fight he learned the same way how when Johnny Hendrix lost to GSP he learned yeah I'm sorry I'm using the MMA things but you learn you learn as you go across and even if you lose trying something now you know when you attack it again you know what to look out for yeah you

know there's people that try to escape from Cuba all the time and maybe the the the the the fucking float won't last past 50 miles now they gotta go back to the drawing board oh we gotta wear more glue or more this so you know you guys you know you're not gonna get everything the first time and today I learned today I was thinking about it today how big experience was because when I got home I was thinking about it we I didn't really panic when this happened the biggest thing I complained about those jobs I had but the big like you learn that stuff is gonna happen and if you freak out if you if you have if you overreact it hurts you on what level on at least for me if I overreact and I start getting worked up and I start playing with everything

I'm not gonna see like when you lose something at your house I always run around and you pull everything apart you throw everything around you sit you're like you relax relax you breathe and you retrace your steps and you'll find your fucking keys it's amazing I do it especially even with cell phones oh yeah cell phones I walked out of cars and go what the fuck I left my cell phone right there it really is amazing so you know people want to try shit and it doesn't succeed it takes years to be a good comic the way it takes she used to be a good fighter it takes she used to be a good writer but that's the thing like you probably even even when you were sucking 15 years ago you learned something at one show that comes up now and you're like oh I'm not gonna be freaked

out about yeah I remember being in Jacksonville Florida and going on into the audience and seeing I used to judge the audience I used to judge the fucking audience and it used to judge me in that bomb so do you understand me I go out there and I go look at all those older people with white hair they're not gonna like my material I just lost I just got hit with the biggest punch which is I lost before I even went on there yeah and then I go I won't look at them and it was just so many things and I would eat shit because I wouldn't do my material I'd speed through the joke I wouldn't take my time and now I see old people you saw what happened in Tempe yeah those old people that were there and I went out there and saw them and I go I'm gonna pull it back and I go

fuck no I'm gonna open up this motherfucking valve because you could always close the valve but you can't open it one shit you follow I'm saying to you it's like acting when you're gonna audition and you walk in sometimes if you go in and the character is loud and you go in there the first time he's gonna get mad at the director because you're not loud enough or you're not your energy isn't that high okay I can't do nothing with you if your energy is high coming in I could push it backwards yeah but if you're not you follow yeah the state of mind we're talking about a late night church of what's happening now Monday April 21st where's Tony Bennett cocksucker there's no Tony Bennett tonight what happened you're slipping this is what I'm talking about where is it it's coming

hold on it's coming it's not it's supposed to be fucking lined up and prepared I'm sorry we came up late today the audio but who the fuck I'm not sorry shit happened I hope you motherfucker stayed up Monday is Monday we got the midnight to put this together I'm still gonna fire you up you're still gonna go out there on Tuesday and want to stab them or the fucking the neck it's the church with the two I want to be around where's the water I sup cocksuckers you're home what the fuck you got me over here like I'm deaf you're gonna eat the rest of that candy or throw

it away you leave it there for the ends I'll leave it every other shit to eat here we got nothing easy I'll bring you something strong oh good we got Ed Suarez calling nice he hasn't called him no I love Ed Suarez to see how he does it what's going on wait turn that shit off what's going on my brother I already lit a candle for the old lady I put some glasses of water out you know me I get it all done out of the fucking way easy what's going on with you my brother just fucking and I know we've talked about this a lot but the weight thing for me is it's always been there like I've never what'd you do with that

pot roast I know you ate that no it's it's in my car I'm just gone now yeah you might as well just dump it because your car's well no because so here's like it's I everyone I think everyone has their addiction sort of thing and for me it's I think part of it's an addiction I think most of it's laziness honestly but ever ever since like like you and Terry it must just get to a point after a bunch of years where you don't go out as much but ever since I started going out like I put the weight back on and I just luckily I have I think the thing that some people don't have like when you go on TV and see like the two a thousand-pound person is I luckily when I get to a certain point I'm like okay I gotta bring this back I'm so trust me I shouldn't let it get to this point

but it's uh luckily I feel like I have that in my brain where I'm not I I don't think I could get to a thousand pounds I probably could but it's just uh so I've been working on that I uh I've talked to people about joining a gym I would love to get a bike but the people around here are crazy so I don't I don't know what I'm gonna do I just start with walking it all starts with you're not gonna go if you can't walk you're not gonna go to the gym if you don't walk you're not gonna go to the fucking gym just trust me you can't get yourself to walk what's gonna get you to get you in a car to drive to a fucking gym to be around people who look like David and Goliath to fucking work out yeah you gotta start walking and I tell him it's anything I haven't been pushing you I've

been telling you go for a walk for the last two months what have I been telling you no and it's go for a walk I don't get it's easy to the world I don't give a fuck about what's going on and who you're busy you get out of here at nine o'clock the car ain't going nowhere walks up 10th planet go read the fucking wall and walk back that's it this isn't hard today with my bad knee I was sitting there I wrote I emailed I'm sitting there I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do I sat outside I tried to write a joke I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do I went upstairs I took two fucking baby aspirants it was about 1215 I went downstairs I rotated my knees in all directions I did these hip things I fucking stressed a little bit and I said fuck it you know the knees gonna hurt whether

or not I work out or not yeah I might as well work out a little bit I'm not gonna jump fucking ladders and be Johnny Goomba but I'm gonna work at the blog I did 10 sets of swings and I did fucking five sets of six sets of cleaning jerks got nice and sweaty took me 35 minutes I picked up a 45 and a 35 walked 50 yards and 50 yards back and I put the weights in the car and I was done for the day yeah and I don't you know what I didn't eat sugar today you know I ate that that fucking chocolate bar and I ate two of those things we were 10 calories a piece I don't drink soda no more I was telling my wife that the only way not to give your child to stop your child from drinking is by not drinking soda in front of him yeah I had a my mom made a mistake with me you know

it was funny I took my friend Ed Brancaccio to the fights with me this week and he also came to the show I haven't seen Eddie in probably 25 years and he lives in Orlando and he contacted me about a month ago and we were going back and forth and I got him tickets for the show and then Joseph do you have you want to take some of the UFC's right on tickets and we're talking on the phone he goes just do your friends and the people you talked to know how spoiled you were when you were a kid and I go yeah I think they know you know I've said it a thousand times to people I love my mother I miss my mother if I tell you that after 30 something years I don't miss my mother when people talk about their moms and and they don't tight with them I get pissed off at them

because I don't have a mom you only get one shot of being a good son and I failed at that you know God knows how she's looking at me from up there whether she's in her hell or purgatory how did you failed at that and uh well I didn't go to you know I didn't do what her dreams or whatever but uh if my mother wouldn't have passed away I would have been a different human being all together I don't think I would have been doing what I'm doing now you know for me to become what I'm doing now I had my ass lit under the fire you know we talk about all the time about our mutual friend we have a mutual friend that will not quit his job and he's lived in this town for 15 years and he's had very minimal success and the guy's talented but I'm telling you it's because he hasn't quit his

job because he doesn't have the iron the fire under his fucking ass so whenever he goes into those audition rooms or he does all that shit and he goes all the way to the end his mind doesn't take the mile because they're comfortable and he's never gonna move forward until he quits that job never it's gonna be he's never gonna book nothing when he goes in there and that hunger is shown that hunger it shows for a reason man and people buy it like if you're selling something and people see you're desperate they smell on you yeah but when you're an actor or you're a comic or you're that desperation becomes motivation do you follow I'm saying that desperation becomes motivation if I have a grandma blow when I got to sell to you to eat tonight I'm gonna sell you that grandma

blow you understand me what what what I was lacking in my career as a stand-up comic wasn't the funniness it wasn't I wasn't selling nothing I wasn't telling nobody about it I wasn't telling nobody what was it this podcast gave me the first level telling some people what was in my heart and you get on board or you don't writing and tweeting and shit like that tells people and I say some fucked up things my heart's in the right place yeah you know I'm saying mm-hmm so it's just uh it's just really weird that I would have been a complete different personally because I was soft man but because my ass was lit into the fire you know I understand I still don't wear underwear today I wear I have a box underwear at the house brand new ones and I wear

them to work out because all my dick looking like Arnold's and shit you know my mom they took a picture of my TMZ with his dick moving around in Santa Monica that's why you wear underwear and but the reason all those years I didn't wear under was because I knew I could do without I like to learn what you could do without me you can move forward that's why when people tell me I need to do this I look at them and go what are you talking about what the fuck are you talking about you know my uncle who we did the interview here with that time my uncle gave me the biggest lesson in life and he's like I'll help you I'll help you with what's coming to you but all your luxuries you're not gonna get a dime out of me weed booze the movies you know I'll give

you a place to stay and I'll fucking feed you and that's what you know I had to learn how to get on my own a lot of people don't know how to do that we had this discussion today a lot of people don't know how to leave in the daytime at eight in the morning come back with 50 bucks I will leave this motherfucker tomorrow at eight in the morning I'll come back with 48 bucks but I'll come back with some even if I gotta rob a fucking purse at five o'clock because that's the way you know when I was out that's how I was banging it so now I took that same energy and I twisted over to this and I put it into stand-up for years when I was out here that's why I don't understand when stand-ups go away on the weekend I don't know about weddings I don't know about I don't know about these things

you know we had an interesting talk this one about guys with sports that when I was in Boston some guy came up to me he was like no for nothing you ever heard Dean on your fucking show you know why don't you ask him about the early calls you know it's ruining my man I looked I'm like don't show your credit card don't show your credit card do you not owe credit card money yet and why are you worried about her Dean he ain't worried about you bitch he ain't worried about you these guys that are into sports and they call up I took the third draft picture of me do you owe money yeah what are you doing on the phone you're talking about sports you fucking Momo what the fuck is wrong with you and I learned what was important and what wasn't important and what you could do

without that's why a year ago I was telling you on a Sunday I don't know what it is to sit in front of a fucking when I went to the UFC this week with Joe I'm very thankful he gave me a ticket and I went and sat but by the third fight there's gotta be something else I could be doing to make fucking three dollars this gotta be something people at home like Joey don't you relax what fucking relax what fucking relax that's what the problem is with people everybody wants to fucking relax everybody wants to go on vacation everybody thinks they have a vacation coming to them I never seen nothing like this in my life people I have friends that go away in Jersey every eight months like like they think they have vacation coming to them then you talk to them and tell you how rough life

is yeah but you know we're saving money because it's tight right now he got his overtime cut then what the fuck are you doing in Bali yeah what the fuck are you doing in Bali if you got your overtime cut I don't understand prioritizing in life you know so we'll be talking about it when they get it's just uh you get me over here oh I mean I don't know what it is for other people and we're talking about it and it's just I could I could blame food addiction and I think that's part of it you got no food addiction you got no food addiction I definitely you don't eat in the morning I don't know what the fuck you're eating I know you're eating chocolate bars somewhere you know but I tell you what the problem is that you don't want to move I love you like my brother

and for the love of Christ I never seen anything like that I'm a I work hard but I'm a lazy mother I I love you cannot yeah we live in California how the fuck are you there's days I call and I go have you been on the sun no and you giggle and I gotta tell you ain't nothing funny yeah it's embarrassing you haven't showered well that was this weekend I shower down I don't give a fuck you gotta you gotta wash that ass when you wake up in the morning that's part of being you know cleanliness is next to godliness and then at four you gotta take another shower even if you didn't do nothing that asshole gets stinky and those balls get fucking stinky you never spend a weekend if you don't have your wife is not a million fucking years well allow that to happen now you that you

have a two o'clock in the night you scratch that nothing smell your fingers and see if you're gonna go to bed with that stink nut on your fucking are you crazy no I mean are you fucking crazy with a lot of what you say sometimes that's part of getting up that's part of getting moving that's true that's true that's part of getting moving how can you not take a shower that's part of the whole movement that gets you going the blood hits the circulation you bend over you wipe your ass you clean your toes that's the fucking initial you put your clothes on you go out you see the sun you say lord thank you for giving me a fucking another day in this miserable fucking life I'm gonna take this time I'm gonna make this day into something and you walk around the block and you're back in a half

hour and you moved and now that doesn't give you a green light to go eat a fucking yum yum donut like I used to do I used to walk the yum yum donuts that's not a bad move you know you're coming plus the fucking point sure but if that's what it takes to get you out of the house yeah then so be if you tell you me and Terry used to do it way before when we fucking moved up here and I was down the walking bench before my knees got fucked up we would walk every night the yum yum get it done and then walk home yeah that's it I have to get I've never had I've never gotten in the habit of I'm in the habit of hanging out and and being on the computer and watching tv I need to get in the habit of getting out I feel like if you do it every day then it doesn't feel

and dog right from here yeah right from here there's no you gotta know where to go at nine right from here the agostinos coming at 10 you're sitting here in this fucking darkness get out go for a walk down a 10 planet 10 planet Burbank is down the corner go see a little dragons down there jumping up and down and you walk back and it's what it's 20 minutes when you really think about it and it's weird because I like walking to that weed store above my house and sometimes if I'm right in the morning I go fuck it at 10 o'clock I walk over to the weed store even if I don't eat weed I'm not smoking weed I just walk over and get like a cookie yeah put it in my desk just to get me out Lee that's why just to get me out I was always big but that I put weight on here

because in Boston I'd walk I had to walk everywhere no there's no here it's it's very weird but you know I don't know what are you gonna do in a gym if you join in what exercise are you gonna do what are you gonna focus on it's just cardio so biking I've heard spin class is really fun I see that the thing I don't even know where to start I just I honestly just need cardio right now I think just walk just start with walking in 30 after you walk 30 days then we'll go join the gym and we'll see where you're at then something that you know they have a beginner's class to get you in slowly you know you're not gonna you're a young guy so in a year you'll be in a lot better shape than I'm in no matter what the fuck you do you know I'm

saying I'm not even in good shape I'm just saying that that's why I try to do cardio but I'm still breathing heavy I'm not gonna lie nobody you know that's why my I was on that dog thing for a while because I felt like it would force me to get out of the house but it's just it's so much so much responsibility wouldn't want now one of the devil if I don't go out get out of the house they have the fucking the pee pee pads it drives me nuts so people don't leave the house now with the dogs and it's just uh it's it's it's this is it's a really it's a lazy culture fucking they have those websites you can get food delivered 24 hours a day it's an easy thing to do to put on the weight it's fucking you don't I if I didn't want to I I could not leave the house in the back

of your mind yeah do you think at times television the media wants you to be heavy at fuck yeah because then you're out you're at home you're watching tv if if I mean I'm not really big in the into conspiracy theories but if you're not out there protesting or if you're not out there if you're just sitting at home watching tv looking at the ads you're not really you're not doing anything you're not gonna notice them doing stuff you're gonna you know you're not gonna get mad at them for doing stuff I really think that like I really think entertainment is a way to make us especially with the phones it's a way to make us not notice things like especially at the airport when everyone's looking at their phone that's why I think people don't get

mad at tsa because you're just doing that that's why I don't put facebook I have twitter on my phone I have a hotmail on my phone that's it all those other avenues I do not have on my phone I don't want to be on my phone all day I don't want to be part of the internet all fucking day that's why I do what I gotta do in the fucking morning and I get the fuck off that yeah I get the fuck off that because this you know what if you do look at it all day they ain't nothing on it I'm not not not nothing that has nothing on Lindsay Lohan lost a kid while she was she lost 18 fucking kids she's doing blow for 30 fucking years all of a sudden she lost her kids she didn't have sperm in her you know no and the big thing and people learn it at work because there's no real the biggest

thing I've learned doing this is yeah I'm making less money but I'm happier and I get more done there's no reason to be in an office for 40 hours 60 hours a week no a lot of that time is spent on the internet so fucking you find though you find the things you go look at menus yelp is great but yelp a lot of people are just looking at the foods and it's uh how many times I looked at yelp okay none how many times I looked at instagram none i don't have instagram yet that's it's it's ridiculous you let come into your life to distract you what you left to come into your life to distract you and there's things that you know you have to do you just refuse to do i talk about me i've been having a lot more success lately when i just open up my page to write and when i connected

to twitter and facebook oh a little something for the fucking late night crowd you know what i'm saying let's take oh yeah tremendous i'm gonna mark that chair for when we move that's your chair you like that hot cocksucker it's probably marked already it's probably melting that the leather is melting the Corinthian leather yeah but uh what are we talking about just how how uh fucked up technologies and the thing is it's kind of like what you were talking about earlier where people who get entitled when they sell their soul it's really fucking easy and it's really fucking entertaining now to watch a clip or watch a movie or or do all that stuff on your phone and it's it's it's maybe better not to the biggest thing for me i don't sit on the couch i go

home i have my laptop and my phone on my bed and i have a tv in the bedroom that's even worse yeah it's terrible that's i have to get out of there i don't spend any time in my living room i'm in my bed it's just it's comfortable and it's fucking easy and you gotta get out of there it's how many bags of chips you got around i don't have any i don't have any i have no i have no i have no food in my in my room but paul yelled at me because i wanted to get a mini fridge for drinks in my room if she's like you can't fucking have it's two steps it's 10 steps to the fridge i was like okay but i thought about it i wanted to fucking make her house like you're young yeah you're young you know i can't believe some of this shit i can't believe it's not maybe it's a generation gap

you know maybe it's uh but i can't believe it at times and it's getting worse i i honestly think it's getting worse that app people told you about vine the video one there's six-year-old kids on it so that none there there are parents who maybe aren't home with their kids or they have to work too much and i think people are just gonna kids are just gonna get fatter honestly i think in a few years i mean they that's why at movie theaters they're putting new seats in this because people are too fat too fat to sit in them and they have to put bigger cup holders in it it's amazing i don't remember coming from cuba i don't remember none of that shit but i remember my mom going you know you could stay in front of the house and it went you know you went out all

day yeah i never did that you went out at eight in the morning and you played till 12 and you went up and got a sandwich then you went back outside and you played again till dinner time and then if you were lucky your mom will let you go right back out and you ran and every day you pushed i remember crossing the street i'm across and broadway in new york city my mom going do not cross broadway what soon as she put stuck her head back inside i counted the time i would run right to the corner and we'd run across the street and run back that's why when i see these lazy mother fuckers waiting for a light and walking like dump the dump the dump i fucking go crazy like the ones that by the library when i'm walking over you know those things that they have those yellow

things across the street they have to stop your fucking car and it's always some kid with a backpack walking that should be running across the fucking street like i used to run run across the street there was no 30 second light that blinked and told you 28 27 stop you ran across that mother fucker there was no instruct you took a chance bitch yeah you took a fucking chance you know so now you don't uh i did all that none of them we moved to jersey it was till 10 o'clock at night till 10 o'clock at night when i was in fort lauder i was talking to kathleen kelthos and she goes i remember you hearing the basketball they lived right next to the basketball court and my father having to go out there and go guys really and it was you and he would see fucking cocoa

he won't go home you know when i wanted to be good at basketball i knew there was only one way to be good at basketball you had to play fucking basketball yeah jerry west took 300 jump shots a day 300 boom beside the games and the running and the riding the bike and the layups and the fucking sprinting he took 300 jump shots a day that means he jumped 300 fucking times a day i did that every day for four fucking years five fucking years from the seventh grade to like junior year in high school even when i wasn't playing i would get a ball and go out there in the winter when i would i would shovel the fucking courts you want me to get people to call in here and tell you how me and chuckie mcbreen used to shovel the fucking better yet we'd walk to like

a court that had good competition and we shoveled the court so the kids in that neighborhood could come out and we could play against them i'm gonna have chuckie call in to tell you what the shit we were doing at 14 in the eighth grade when i graduated the eighth grade was one of the snowiest years ever i didn't graduate in the eighth grade because i had to go to five star basketball camp and started like june 28th you were out of school by june 10th but it snowed so much in 78 that we were in school till the end of fucking june oh wow and it snowed but we think guys like me and chuckie and whitey o'Donnell Mahoney and david ru as we stayed in fuck no so as they called school night we call get your gloves bitches we wear gloves every it was so cold out the

ball wouldn't bounce you know the oxygen in the fucking ball will not bounce that's how cold it was out that's hysterical so i mean that's and so it started them with me when i got to be about my junior year i went from uh once my mother died i started lifting weights with those guys my appetite went nuts and i went up to 194 and one summer i went on a can i went on a tuna fish american cheese and milkshake diet the whole summer i would drink a protein shake in the morning a scoop ice cream 16 ounces of milk three scoops of protein four eggs wheat germ fucking everything in that thing vitamin c fish liver oil and i just guzzled the yuhu i guzzled down and then i ate a can of tuna with crackers with no mayonnaise just hot sauce for lunch you have no fucking idea

i used to live with danie bianculo you know danie that calls here when i told the story about me sweating on his cousin when i was up doing the fucking upside down bench presses and i had a sweat bead on my nose and when i went to hand on the weight the bead went off my nose and into his fucking mouth i mean this is uh so when did you start putting the weight on when i moved to los angeles when i moved in that doug stanhope has a picture of me in 97 that i was about 235 then i immediately went up to about 265 because you're fucking driving and it's and i was okay but i was also bad sleep bad sleep contributes to it not drinking enough water i wasn't taking vitamins zero exercise zero muscle because the more muscle you build see right now you're 25

you could start lifting weights for your weight loss program i think so i know so because you're going to lift light weights and do reps so you fucking burn that fat you burn lifting weights see i don't even know this is how stupid i am lifting weights burns fat well if it's lightweight five sets of six builds muscle mass if you drink protein you know okay people argue it's 30 grams of protein five times a day to gain muscle mass like real muscle mass you know now they have protein shakes that 42 grams of protein and 58 grams of protein when i was into it it was 30 grams of protein per meal 50 grams and that's a lot like if you look at a can of tuna and two eggs it's 15 fucking grams you still gotta eat what's going on is it sound bad no it's not you're looking

at it like somebody took your ten dollars just checking uh and and that's what it is so like when i went on this when i was started at this weight loss i was 418 and what i do is i go to the gym to the ymca and i'd ride the bike every day more and yeah that's what i like first and then there was three minutes my friend i was sweating breathing heavy dizziness saying i wasn't going to come back in there but every week i'd do an extra minute and you start doing a three and then i would go on the punching bag and i wouldn't move my feet i would just move my hips so i would be going you know like from here to here boom and i'd just be moving i'd do it for 30 minutes and that's it and i stuck to my weight watcher points yeah i wasn't eating animals and that easy it was fucking it was very

surprising how easy it is and i understood why people just said fuck it i understand because nobody knows where to really start right it's it's hard it's especially for people who've never done it it's it's a lot easier to do what you've been doing and it's uh and it sounds like i'm complaining i'm not i don't mean to complain about or whine about it it's just it's never been who i i'm always going to be a bigger guy i'm never going to be a weightlifter guy but i want to i do want to be healthier healthier you can't walk from here to the car and be sweating profusiously you can't do that i understand like i said for years i lived across the street from the ymca and i wouldn't go you know what the thing that got me this weekend was when we went to vegas i

just by the grace of god didn't need the c-belt extender and like it clicked and i was like fuck i don't know if i need the c-belt extender that's fucking that's that's a bad thing so i'm like okay let's hit that level again have you ever have to use that at 418 fuck yeah all the time when she was showing it i'd call her over and she was showing them put give that to uncle joey now i got three or four inches it's fucking amazing yeah it's amazing and it was getting tight there for a while for about three months ago it was tight there when terry had the baby it was tight a little longer than three months ago it's uh it really is fucking

amazing man the weight thing with this country but it's just uneducated you know people are just uneducated nothing it's not to do with laziness once you understand how easy it is that you have to burn more than what you put in and you find tricks like if you gotta eat three apples to get started then you eat three apples bro yeah you know one thing about way watch as i learned that's one of the greatest things if you're not hungry enough to eat an apple and you ain't hungry right you know then you're really it's a beautiful fucking statement you know it's funny how you this weekend i was uh writing and i'm writing this autobiography i was thinking about how i really never had anything about the latter years i have all the things in the early development

of what i was trying to accomplish which i had no fucking idea but i had no uh nothing later on and something on the plane was a long fucking plane right to a land i was writing and it made me think about 1993 and what my life was like and how simple it was and how that's when the beginning of this started so so where were you 93 okay so in 91 i separated from my wife for 90 91 90 october 90 by 91 i was doing comedy i think oh no no no 91 october 91 i separated from her and i decided to go for it and then i went into a cocae's and pills and i went back east and i stayed with george and mike runney for a while and then i uh got my life together a little bit and i realized how badly i want to do comedy and i was frustrated you know there's nothing

worse than having a dream and you're fucking frustrated you want that dream to speed up you know you just wanted to get to a place where at least you're coping you're and i knew that i had a you know when i was in new york those months i was in new york for nine months i got on stage eight times and i'd walk around telling people i was a comedian but i was just you know the addiction had me and every time i go to do comedy i'd stop in the city and buy coke and by the time i got to the club i'd do a line of coke and then run leave oh you have no fucking idea so for you people were trying to get into anything whether it's playing the piano or going back to school you know we all fucking procrastinate i don't want you to think that we don't you know uh one of the

purposes of this podcast is we're off we all put our pants on one leg at a fucking time i'm sick and tired of people looking down saying who gives a fuck and uh i went back and i got this apartment i dated this girl and she lived upstairs and she had moved out one day i seen the landlord and he liked me when i was dating her and i go he goes well yeah what's going on i'm looking for a place because i'm renting my down place 400 a month and it was basically a rocky apartment okay it was basically rocky's apartment it was a small kitchen a refrigerator a living room with a door and the bed the bedroom was so small there was no room in the bedroom in the bedroom it was just a bed he's open the door yeah the door didn't open i took the door off the hinges the door covered that

top small i would just go to the bed and fall over yeah and walk to the side and had an air conditioner they bought it for a hundred bucks cheap and the apartment worked for me you know it was and i think about that apartment if i ever made money i was gonna go buy that apartment because there were so many aspects of that apartment that first of all the walls were littered with cocaine oh yeah was it the one you threw the cocaine into the wall i throw i threw all the empty packages and one night i said there's gotta be cocaine in one of the packages i ripped the wall down and the landlord was like what happened to me i don't know the wall got wet and it was also where my dream of comedy came from it was fucking bad like it was just bad i would go do these rooms at

night and i was dedicated at the time at that time i knew what i wanted to do i knew what needed to be done you know i'd start a comedy in uh july of 91 it was january of 94 and i had to fucking do something you know my ex-wife was barking on me i was i was i was uh 31 years old at that time i was doing comedy three years i wasn't really even committed to comedy i was just telling people that's why i'm okay with jiu-jitsu now because even if i go to jiu-jitsu once a week i know as long as i go that's the most important thing you know i wanted to go to class tonight i know my knee wouldn't hold it i have an audition tomorrow at 11 o'clock for a great movie i'll tell you about in a second okay and i don't know if i'll make 12 30 class but i'll do the i'll do something

tomorrow i'll hit the bag and then i'll work out with john evin on wednesday i'll just do a private work on sweeps and escapes and shit like that you know because i know that when all this gets better i put more time into it sometimes in your life you can only do something once it's when you it's when you say to me i haven't been able to go that's when i have to look at you go come in for a second there's seven days in a week there's five classes you couldn't make one of them that's how busy you were and you'll go well you can make one of them yeah one of them is all you need to keep you alive if i go to one jiu-jitsu and i do two kettlebells and take a walk around and then when i travel i jump in the pool i did my quota for the week i stretched i got the blood going you

know and uh it was just really weird i i moved into this apartment and i knew what i had to do man i really had to go for it as a comedian i had a day job god knows what the fuck i did i know drugs weren't involved you know i know drugs weren't involved we're not gonna lie to anybody and tell you that at that point i was still a fucking no man i was still a fucking renegade so but it got to the point where i respected calming i got to respect it and i knew that there was no fun no money no sucky no sucky no fucky that meant if i didn't get on stage it was just like when you were a kid and you told your mom you didn't go to school and at three o'clock you tried to leave and she goes where you going to play you didn't go to school today you're sick yeah yeah but i feel

better than that i can't take it you're like holy shit she fucked me yeah you were sick at eight i wouldn't want you to go out and get sicker yeah do you understand me you're like fuck you know so i knew in my mind there was no cocaine till i got on stage mm-hmm and i had built this thing when i was in Boulder and and it was really weird i was having a hard time that guy Matt Barry Matt Woods insulted me and told me i should just quit if i wasn't gonna commit and that really fueled me and at that point i was going anywhere to come that was going to poetry readings i was a fucking animal and i wasn't getting anywhere you know hbo wasn't calling you know i had 18 minutes of material but hbo wasn't calling you know and it's so frustrating

for people at home that whatever you want to do with ballet and i would fucking go home and then at that time there was a comedy newspaper and i would read the paper and at the back of the paper it had all the comedy clubs and i would circle the ones where i wanted to go and i would cry because in my mind i was ready i i'm jesus christ i was so far from being ready yeah but in my mind i was ready i just need hbo to see me and jay lennon or somebody and i'm gonna make it you know and i think back at those times now i'm a little how fucking retard it was i was i fucking crazy you know running those leads and yeah there's people who at three or four years they're running with people but you always gotta catch up some people more gifted than others in the beginning

and they but somewhere along the line that harder worker if you slack i'll catch up to you and that's exactly what happened there was a ton of people who were better than me and dad the mechanics and i don't even think i'm that good i just got the mechanics and the basics down my voice is higher these are little things you learn throughout the year but that apartment leave that apartment meant so much to me like the day i die i guarantee my spirit's gonna want to go to that apartment just say goodbye because my heart was broken in that like i was at my bottom ever that's where i lived when i punched john that's where i live when i was fighting with my wife when the cops came there were so many breakdowns i had that my addiction was fucking horrible that it was horrible

and that's on paper you should hate that apartment no because i owe it a lot i owe it a lot because it didn't kill me i didn't die in that fucking thing you know that apartment i still remember getting in my car telling the landlord i'm coming back in three months i love that apartment that it was so nitty so gritty and it smelled like pain and it was clean there was no mice it was fucking clean brand new carpet the paint i had a tv i had a bench for the dinner table so if you came over to eat i'd take the weights off but when i was there i put the weights on i had a sonny trinitron i would lift weights and i'd do bench press and bent over rows i had two dumbbells and i would lift weights that was my living room i had a couch i bought for 30 bucks

in a fan i had the air conditioner room and in that refrigerator there was never food not once in the two years or three years i lived there it was just fat tie that's when i used to drink two fat ties for every eight ball you had a system at those days i did so you know it's i think about that apartment i think about uh the pain i had in that apartment how i felt fucking stuck and i really wasn't i was just making my plan you know for del went into the mountains to make his plan took him three years to make his plan then there was no stopping you know and that's what i was doing in that little fucking apartment so for people who thought i was procrastinating or whatever i was just setting up my mind for what was coming when i left that apartment i never looked

back right comedy i never ever looked back it was like that was my basic training i did it on mondays i used to go to an australian bar wasn't really australian it was just an australian theme yeah and they had a stage and then the back back back they had a little room built into the wall like a cave and there'd be 10 people there on monday and i'd go there every monday and do 15 20 minutes on sundays i used to go to a square line do you know what what line dances yeah they used to have a line dancing class at some country bar and i would go there and it's from seven to eight they did comedy after country line dancing i would just drive that a bomb but i went every sunday tuesdays i go to club 56 in commerce city they gave you a 20 they gave you a $25 gift

certificate for food so you and plus they bought your dinner that night so you could eat a drink or whatever and then i hit somebody with a microphone in their head when they 69 me out of there whatever 86 me out of there and then on thursdays was what's the mexican bar and burbank across el torito oh my god how horrible those fucking things yeah you eat in there you're fucking intestine comes out of your asshole you gotta tuck it back in it's just i went there for happy hour somebody told me about two years ago go to the happy hour i went there with my wife to the one across from the tonight show i almost fucking died of herpes no what do you mean no then the food there it's horrible horrible but they used to have an open mic on thursday nights

and they give you dinner and a gift certificate for the following week so that's why i did every thursday it was 50 miles from my house i would borrow three dollars for gas for the accurate and i would drive all the way down you drive there for free meal and then in those days in those days you had to and then friday and saturday i wouldn't do comedy because that's a professional comedian that so sometimes i grabbed a guest set but i was so fucking frustrated because i wanted more and i wanted it fast but that uh place taught me patience so sometimes you just have to uh i know i got a lot of emails from people and they're young people and they want to do this and they want to do that and they get frustrated i got some really disturbing emails this week and you know

listen man when it's like lee said when you lose your keys and you get frustrated that's when you're not gonna find them it's when you sit down make a plan take you know and it's tough for a guy like me to tell you because i never do this but i do know that a man without a plan is not a fucking man so whatever you're trying to get yourself into ballet writing fucking stand-up tiptoed dancing i don't fucking know bow and arrows you know it's uh it's a process and it's a slow fucking process and if you want to rush it yeah you'll make some quick strides but you're still gonna have to put the timing at the end so you know i'm saying let me give some shout outs there's no call tonight this is straight og gangster you know what i'm talking about

debt squad australian the rest of the debt squad community i fucking love you cocksuckers inside billy's head joe arin my buddy w w f guy mastafa ochoa i like it leo anandez and steven bueh was your bad motherfucker bad motherfucker i also want to give a shout out to anand this weekend i slept three hours uh sunday got off the plane went home did the turn around 180 and stayed awake all fucking day and i felt tremendous i didn't take a nap i went to dinner with the family i went to the park with the baby anand works guys i'm sick and fucking tired of talking about how anand works i'm sick and fucking tired sick and fucking tired whether it's the shuntek the alpha fucking brain the ropes they're coming out with new shit they just did

a breakthrough not a breakthrough a press release on the on the on the alpha brain you know the shuntek sport i took the shuntek whatever immune because i was going to be on the plane and disneyland and disneyville with all those fucking kids so i took fucking shuntek immune for the plan and stuff guys if you're not fucking around with anand you're slipping you're really slipping go to the anand go to anand dot com look at all the shit they got available then go to joeydeers.net and there's a box there go to that box and press in church c-h-u-r-c-h you're 10% off plus you get on the list they got to stay on the program when we send you stuff at the first of the month anand is great we're not fucking around go to anand.com

go to joeydeers.net look at the tour dates maybe i'm coming to your fucking hometown whatever the hell you want to jump up and down and taking that up with uncle joey leaves going to austin with me fuck yeah you know shit like that so go to joeydeers.net and see what we got also for you fucking bearded motherfuckers li included dollar shave club dollar shave club and fucking listen people hit me up with emails every week thanking me for anything anything whether it's dollar shave club ooloo on it because they know i don't fuck around go to dollar shave club they got three different packages to you why are you fucking around they can make you look like liberachi look at me i'm an ugly motherfucker but the skin is looking

a lot better you think that's because i'm doing something yeah i'm drinking water but that shave butter tremendous for the ingrown fucking hairs okay the shavers they come one dollar six dollar and nine dollar three different packages for your fucking budget you know what you can't do the dollar one you can't do the dollar a month with just 12 a year then you know what you deserve to grow be it and fall asleep and wake up when you're 80 like everybody frame your fucking momo they got a six dollar plan you get the razor once a month plus you get four packages how many razors with four razors a month with two fucking blades if you get the nine dollar package you get the four razors with the double blades and the alo strip you look tremendous also for an extra

couple dollars some extra geetus you get the one wipe charlie's your asshole you can wipe your nuts at you wash come off her tits whatever the fuck you want to do and her tits will smell like peppermint guaranteed by uh dollar shave club go to dollar shave club box on joeydeas.net and press in church church c h u r c h and get your fucking uh deal one dollar six dollars and nine dollars if you join through it stop fucking around stop kidding yourself you know the fuckers orlando was fucking great this weekly yeah you know there was a lot of jews in that hotel they must have passed over they got like a it was passed over they got like a 10% cold or 3% and you call me from that bar i was like that's exactly why i don't take jewish women oh my god and you know the jewish women

let me tell you something i've always been a bad a fan of jewish women i love them i love them i know they're dirty they smell like fucking matzah ball soup their feet and shit i love all that nasty stuff but then you have the other side of those jewish women that look like me and they wear slippers you ever see the size of their fucking feet if you weigh over 300 if you weigh over 250 fucking pounds don't put slippers on all right your feet are flat and fucking disgusting especially if you're a fucking woman if you weigh over 190 pounds do me a favor don't wear fucking slippers on your feet your feet are fucked up in that big put combat boots on stop embarrassing yourself you ever see a big chick and she comes out with that hunk of fucking foot it looks like a fucking

man's foot what the fuck is wrong with you it looks like a hunk of fucking foot what's wrong with you women i love you to death but if you're as big as i am please wear fucking combat boots don't show nobody your hoops don't show nobody those fucking hoops those jew hoops were fucking ginormous bro yeah they had the black things on their head with the long skirts okay all of them had fucking ugly feet yeah there was a jew at the gym that was on the treadmill i was checking on her feet fucking ugly as fuck this bitch couldn't even climb a tree with those fucking things usually you could hook up the fucking tree with those nails oh my god i don't mind look i don't mind coming on your feet i don't want to suck them and smell them like these disgusting people right

when you pull out you give them a little jack to the feet women love that shit a little something for late night right on the feet sure i never had the desire to do that that's because you're a fucking half a fucking mum or that's why you never want to step what do you do you pull out you walk you just pull it out you go give me that foot bitch you know what you're fucking crack a nut right on that foot it's all over the shot yeah i get together when you're slipping it's monday night how bad was the fight there were the kids on the fight fucking half the plan was filled with the kids jumping up and down everybody wants to be mickey mouse but you know what man i had a great time on the land of the food was tremendous you know ufc put joe up at a great hotel so i got the

mutual job i stay on the 14th floor i don't buy nobody it was 32 dollars for fucking the breakfast buffet i went down that was my favorite phone call the year tremendous he called me like lee how much do you think a bagel was locked is and i was like oh this is gonna be good i was like $10 like $19 you're just reading the menu like soup $16 for chicken noodle soup people $16 for chicken noodle soup 18th a pasta puzzle 45 dollars for a fucking small steak oh it was $39 for steak and eggs how's that one yeah room services a lot but it was 32 i don't eat room service i refuse to fucking pay $39 extra i don't like food in my room you believe that yeah i can see that i don't like food because you probably don't have them cleaned on the week

i don't like food in my room even if i haven't cleaned nobody in my fucking room right but i came back and i took my wife to dinner well my wife was the one that said we're going out to eat the baby and we had a coupon for arty morton's i got like 10 fucking coupons we went to arty morton's the place is empty we got three o'clock for a reason the baby i don't they said you know she's she's fucking moves around go to arty morton's there's three waiters working i sit down next to you know the fucking place is empty lee we're the only ones in there they're in a cell in there a couple comes in they put them right behind me yeah then a table of six came and they put them right to my right right there the guy's head was right there i couldn't finish my meal i was so

fucking furious i couldn't finish my meal why do people do that and i called her outside when i was outside playing with the baby i go listen when somebody's paying 40 bucks for a steak they don't want to sit next to them i don't give a fuck what management tells you you think those people you sat next to a baby are fucking happy right now and she looked at me she never even thought about that yeah they just they just they probably cut all the servers so like all right just say everyone in that way it was three i can fuck no i don't want people sitting next to me ever again yeah and i told them i don't and i the manager came over he's all right i go no it was all right so they put fucking you know the jackson six next to me i don't need these fucking people next to me man this

is rude i got my baby i feel bad for them wasn't feeling bad for me i was feeling bad for them the waiters didn't fucking plan and that's part of these people they're not trained anymore but you understand my wife is they don't train them no no no that's not training that's common sense you hear my kid yelling on the screen why would you put a table of sticks next to a fucking nice nice white people next to the fucking baby i wouldn't do that i'd say come over here deep get the fuck away from that fucking pain he has baby that's what i would say to get an extra tip seriously yeah i don't want to put you that's what a small that's what a real hustler does come here for a second most waiters will put you next to his baby i don't want to put you over he's a cure he's a

great kid she's a great kid but you guys read i don't want no fucking kid dribbling and fucking running around that's okay most people go that's okay no it's not once you've given birth and you've had your kid you don't want to hear somebody else's fucking kid right you just say it out of being polite you know what i'm saying but me i never i would never take my child to a movie theater that's just me because i would hate to impose on other people that's why i made i had my wife make the reservation for three because i know mercy's a fucking nightmare she wants to run around she wants to you know she was banging the fucking plate with the fucking thing the macaroni's were going up in the air i pay i'll drop an extra 20 or 30 on a fucking tip just to have it there

that's not the point the point is i don't want to sit next to a kid it's like with me and we'd all go on the road me eddie bravo tape dunkin harry and joe we got a table of six gorillas and you put a family with six kids next to us it's not going to work out for you yeah because we're going to talk loud that's just stupid that's common fucking sense that's the other thing that's been forgotten about in this country it's just common fucking sense this isn't brain surgery half this shit this is common sense we're talking about podcasting today and the mistakes people make with podcasting and it's like this is common sense this is and these are people who went to college who took marketing classes and took all these high-level classes that didn't bring nothing

from it because you know what bro you can learn all you want but unless you do once you start doing see my background is from drug dealing and this drug dealing in car sales all mixed into one thing and now i've translated into this comedy and this is why i get up at six in the morning and i tweet and this is why i do the things i do i love doing them i enjoy doing all this shit but i can't you know if you if you're funny and you have something to say and you have a podcast you're not going to find it by osmosis bro if i want people to come to my san jose show or my vegas show july 18th i gotta talk about it leah i gotta post it that's what i didn't do for years it's not blowing my own horn i can't do that you don't know how people do it but i can't expect you to come

or be a part of something if i don't talk about it and i have friends that their podcasts they don't people don't listen to them then they get mad they go i don't know what's going on well i looked at your twitter feed there's nothing about your podcasting you're wishing your niece a happy fucking birthday but your niece don't put no fucking money in your pocket you're following you understand i'm trying to fucking save you here listen man and i don't want people to think this but i'm trying to it's not all about money but it's all about getting ahead and it's the same fucking difference that's what we're all trying to do but when we slip into that thing then we won't want my life isn't about money well what is it about how you gonna get to fucking eat how

you gonna get the nice things that you want how you gonna put your kid in a nice school how you gonna get the shoes you want how you gonna take your girl from the vegas league that don't come from fucking osmosis right you have to make moves to get that money right you could be nice if you're nice you're not gonna be able to go to vegas when you're a nice person you're never gonna be able to go to vegas because you're not making money you're not sticking up to yourself you're not telling people what you're worth and what your value is correct or not correct no that's right do you leave yeah and i think that's the difference between for the restaurant example i think that's the difference between a corporate restaurant and a guy who owns a restaurant

because a corporate restaurant like mortons they probably have a book that they give to all the hostesses and let's say you can sit in here and they have a guy who's been there training them but if you owned your restaurant you'd probably tell they wouldn't have to worry about corporate rules or whatever and you could just tell them don't sit don't sit anybody next to anybody else but what i understand is corporate is corporate i want the best restaurant in corporate so i'm going to incorporate what i have to offer into my waiters and the staff and the management team you know there's look i'm not in the restaurant business but i know different things aren't anymore and first of all i was missing a million dollars put people at the bar let them have a

drink first then move i don't give a fuck get them to go that ice tea at the bar first slow them to fuck down there's so many different fucking things you know they come up to you they tell you the special like it's memorized i don't want to hear that shit put some motherfucking flavor to it yeah yeah but you understand me yeah i could do these ads how they want me to do them and you know what nobody would go to dollar shape club nobody would go to fucking on them they wouldn't if i tell you the shit they want me to fucking say people i would embarrass myself with the shit they write stuff these speeches that these marketing companies write these executives these fucking morons because they sell from what's in a book they don't sell from what's in their heart they don't

fucking put hulu plus whatever i could sit here and hulu plus is great they're all for great movies no you fucking moron this is what they fucking offer i'm saving you fucking money okay at the end of the week you want to save a little fucking get us that's what uncle joey's here to do you don't have to do a thousand other things you could watch hulu plus on your rocu on your smartphone on your ipad you could binge you could do whatever the fuck you want with your life you could watch 20 shows you could take the day off you could whack both in the fucking bathroom at north hollywood parks and watch a fucking movie i don't think they have porn on hulu plus but my point is they got movies they got fucking now what's the other shit they got they got your

electric program yeah they got original programming now they got all this stuff but if i read you the shit that they want me to read you go join it joey how fucking corny are you you ever listen to something and somebody goes speaking of the weather you know umbrellas are us and you're like oh my god that's horrible just go fuck the rain you know what i got the best umbrellas in town for you and that's the same thing i got to offer you with hulu plus i don't have to fucking be corny about hulu plus i'm giving you a great deal it's 799 a month and i'm giving you two weeks for free if you go to the web page you get one week for fucking free fuck that shit go through the church and get two weeks what are you doing joeydeers.net they go to the box and when they press in joey joey

joey what bam just like that two weeks on the arm for free who gives you two weeks what the shit two weeks so it's 799 a month so i'm basically giving you four dollars for fucking free four dollars who's giving you four fucking dollars all right that's what they do hulu plus you know why they do that because they know once you get in there you're gonna fucking love it they got everything you like to watch plus shit you haven't watched it you've thought about it you've heard about oh my god i've never seen this show well bam dare it fucking is you want me to read you the list i can read you the list and what it says on here it's who gots i just broke it down for you understand me you're losing money you're wasting your fucking time go to hulu plus get two weeks for free and

after that 799 a month for fucking life what are they pressing the box joey joey when you go to joeydeers.net from now on you're just not gonna go to hulu plus or the or the on the box or you're not gonna go to fucking uh a dollar shave club you're also gonna go and if you need a mug or a fucking patch or don't show them shit fuck them go to the web page cocksucker they got eyes and then these things you go you like it that's it that's how you fucking do it but if i read you with these motherfuckers wanting me to tell you oh my god we'd be here for two hours and we'd get nowhere you go joey get the fuck off the mic but that's the thing so for the restaurants the first guy who only probably agrees with you but then they have more and then they start making a little bit of money and let's say

they let a server go off the rails where if that services fuck and he he he uh insult somebody so they have all those they have all those things in place now so no one gets offended and no one and no one goes outside the box listen to me good service good service and good work though you'll get offended when a waiter is good there's nothing bad than having a work a fucking bad waiter if i tell you on my steak well done you bring it back to me raw i'm agitated i'm fucking hungry now i got to send my food back that's a bad experience yeah okay he didn't do his fucking job if i'm sitting there and i don't have something in front of me that's a bad fucking waiter i'm always communicating with them i'm always asking how they are i'm not i'm not going to mcdonald's let me ask you this

what if mcdonald's what if the guy at mcdonald's hired a guy paid him 10 bucks an hour to ask you how your meal was they had to work grew up and that mcdonald's they had an older guy they don't have a normal yeah they should yeah and they have a guy that would come up to you bring you a straw ask you everything was he wiped down the tables you know he didn't really write down the tables because he had to be like a manager looking guy that you know it's like when i went to chicago when i seen the owner of the restaurant walking around shaking people's hands saying thank you and that's why he owns that restaurant any of these chainplaces they get so nervous about it and and they they they want to be able to place anybody in they don't want anybody making noises

anybody could be a server at a chain place i mean i wanted to be a server at uh not a server bartender at one of those chains in 84 before i left and they wanted me to be a cook first but they'd be a fucking what the fuck was it it's one of those popular chains chilies applevies one of those like it was way before those okay and he's coach chain and they wanted you to be a cook first before you uh became a bartender i was already a bartender sitting i'm like okay i'll be a cook and i went down and looked at their food and i'm like dog i can't serve this shit yeah but here's the other thing all right so a general manager comes into a restaurant he wants to apply his policies or the the corporations policies yeah the corporate policies and he also

wants to be somewhere around that he wants that restaurant to reflect what he's about whether he's a hard worker whether he's a customer service based everybody has a different where they come from when you're an MMA fighter you they come from Muay Thai boxing wrestling background your jitsu background probably this guy's customer service maybe this guy was a chef at one time he's into presentation they turn that restaurant into what they have now also if i'm a corporate corporation and i put you as the general manager i'm gonna give you a taste at the end of the year so i'm gonna give you six percent of the overall gross at the end of the year right i'm gonna put if if that's what motivates me that's what i think outside the box well that's what you think so

but what they think is is they have a setup plan that they know works and their restaurant will make a million dollars they could put it and they could have they could have people doing what you say but if some people don't like that some of the older people aren't don't want that sort of thing they just want the same experience they've had at legal c foods forever if they lose money then he gets fired he knows he's not gonna lose money he's only gonna do better league but it's like having a day job you look when i go to see legal seafood in boston that's fucking general manager nobody came beside the waiter and asked me how my food was but if that general manager took two minutes and came and asked how his food was and did you try the dessert no we don't have room for

dessert wait a second you haven't tried the fucking general marmalade here with the shrimp flavor in the asshole no i have you don't know what you're missing let me give you a sample that's what i'm talking about exactly my point even if they get fired it's five dollars out of their pocket it's gonna sell we're looking at the bottom fucking line lee if i put what i'm talking about not everything is black and white and that's why you have failures because in this world today in this corporate world today everything is black and white yeah but it's not black and white and that's what i'm telling you i'm agreeing with you i'm just saying this is why they're doing it no these guys are scared everybody's scared of losing their fucking job so then when they do a bad job

they're gonna get fired anyway i'd rather go the extra mile and try because i could always fight for it i could always go listen they didn't like me because i gave away dessert but in my defense i was the highest gross and fucking arty mortons in the region for six years yeah and the bottom line speaks loudest yeah the bottom line speaks loudest in those places so this is what i'm trying to say there's some certain people that'll be fucking goats and cheap all their fucking lives and that's the result they'll get when they when they retire they got a gold watch and everybody else is stealing making millions but they got a gold watch for fucking working 30 years like a fucking animal you understand me the goal is to get the fuck out it's like the comic store people

get mad at me because i'm gonna go to the comic store the bottom line of the comic store is getting out of there it's not staying there right yeah it's getting out of there it's going through there making your point and getting the fuck out of there if you go back in there after like seven years and you're dangling around i don't know what world you you should have moved on a little bit you know i'm saying like yeah i know ari still goes there but ari goes you know during the week to fuck around but it's not as end all be all right you know you move out you move out of that fuck who had that joke it was like i think it was cat williams joke he doesn't fuck with people who are still selling weed there's a some i was watching one of his old specials and he's fucking great but uh no it's

it's uh it's crazy and it's like i was called i called american airlines today because we i was booking my thing and every window and aisle seat they were charging you 30 bucks you couldn't choose a seat other than why did you call them why'd you go online i did go online i booked my ticket but you couldn't choose a window or an aisle seat without paying extra money so i was like oh maybe i'll call them and do it and it's like oh no every every window and aisle like they get you at every angle now so like the corporate so i just didn't choose a seat and it gave me uh a window i think for free but it was like if you wanted they put you 17 and 22 so i'm on the back on the way there you're in 17 on the way on the way there i'm on 22 i think on the way back you're in 17 yeah

but but it's just uh and you have a window both times when i'm in the aisle that's not bad that's at least not in the middle well i can't be in the middle but it's uh it's it's just they they have so many corporate policies now that just are the most stupid and it's it's it's the same thing how if you work at a place everyone has that boss who they hate who's always gonna tell telling somebody or or you didn't tell them it's a big joke from uh office bases well the tps report and he has 10 bosses come around oh he didn't tell the tps report correctly he's like how my fucking work done and he he's every time he makes a mistake he has seven bosses are coming out of him it's fucking it's it's a terrible play it's a terrible cheese with not enough indians no it's

it's it's too much cheese and i love it that's the expression with too many cheese not enough fucking indians that's that's the bottom line with that shit yeah it's amazing when uh you go out now how different things are you know uh today that was did you see the uh dian sorry i had to think about canadian air how they throw your luggage i saw that i didn't see her thing but i saw that they did that yeah and then i'll the the canadian air call the luggage guy back when they went into if your luggage is damaged or your luggage is lost if you don't call in 24 hours you don't get dick you got like i don't even know how much they give you for your luggage even if you got $10,000 worth of clothes they give you like a thousand dollars or something like that yeah

they're fucking cold blooded but this happens because we let it happen this happens because we let it happen and so i give i'm giving you $25 for my luggage i'm giving you $25 each way each way and you throw in my luggage and if you lose it i got 24 hours to report that's you're trying to fucking tell me yeah i have to call the post office because i noticed my my my tax check didn't get deposited like one did and one didn't and luckily i have tracking on it it was supposed to go to san francisco it went to san francisco and then went back and forth to baltimore and i'm like what the fuck is that so i'm nervous i have to call them to find out what the fuck is happening with my fucking tax check but it's like luckily i have tracking on it so

put the tracking on it i did because i'm fucking i don't i wanted to make sure they got it but uh yeah it's it's uh it's terrible like the airlines look luckily i don't fly as much as you do but it's uh like they're coming at you i i you know i keep my contact with them to a limited i know you know i just know what the fuck with them and not how not to fuck with them you know and i know that's why i pay the full thing i i always try to do something better because it's just it's a fucking nightmare i would love i feel bad yeah i feel really bad i would love to hit do a video of you calling american airlines because i called them today and it took 10 minutes to get through all their menus of like what's your flight agent yeah agent agent i keep going agent agent one

more question is it is your flight the 50 states north america or canna yes it is thank you and they put your honey in the fuck with them is this hosé agent agent yeah but agent i didn't know the agent i don't understand you agent agent agent and they'll fucking put them on okay if you didn't we'll put you connect you i fucking torment them i say agent 80 fucking time in the beginning agent agent agent and they go okay we're connecting that's it don't fucking around don't tell them where i'm going none of your fucking business where i'm going it's like when you call people you ever call somebody and they go who my ass is calling don't matter what is this about don't matter let me talk to him yeah i tell him just like that okay yeah don't matter what do you

care it's not your fucking business yeah i got vd in my asshole what do you give a fuck about i got vd in my muffler what do you fucking care about now put the doctor on it's none of your fucking business where i'm calling you that's the or they call calling they say he's not available then what'd you ask me what my name was the fuck is wrong don't ask me when they ask me now is he available who's i say it's called is he available yeah you know the other day i was on the when i worked for boulder Toyota years ago there was a there was a you couldn't take sales calls from any phone you had to call the operate she goes to other sales you had to call the operator and you had to tell her what phone booth you wanted okay he the phone booth one or two as soon as you put

the phone the tape recorder went on and they had a script and if you stuck to that fucking script Lee you would sell a thousand cars a month but everybody would say and i went to battle with the the guy who ran the program and one day he took me to lunch and he goes Joey listen to me you're a great sale and you're a hustler you show up on time your shoes always shined you know we've spent millions into this how about i work with you on this and i and i'll watch you do the money and we would sit together and he'd listen like that with speakers and i'd talk to the person and he'd say stick to that and it would even diagram if they say that go back to that like that's how much and what it was was designed to not give any answers i who am i speaking with lisa

hi lee what can i do for you today hi i'm calling about the 82 Mustang what's the mileage on it's blue it's beautiful it's four cylinder it's got 390 uh horsepower air conditioning i got it from some lady the rims uh what's the mileage on it you have to snuggle the interior of this fucking car what's the mileage the tires are bland a brand new we did a 21 two-point inspection on it what's the mileage on it let me ask you this what time do you want to come in here i have a 2 30 to have a four o'clock this car is not gonna last do you want to come in here one o'clock what's the mileage on it do you want to come in here one o'clock sir this car is going hold on one second i have something on the lock and i mean dog you sold the fucking car the other day i sat there

and listened to my wife called for an office yeah and next you know she's telling him i'm a stand-up and a podcast and i go hang up the phone she said what hang up the phone you gave me too much information you just lost the battle you don't think i'm dick but they asked fucking go around it you don't gotta tell nobody dick you don't gotta tell nobody dick what do you tell them what that fucking information for stick to your guns you know and that's how i do that reverse who am i who's my saying it's calling who am i talking to who am i talking to and what does it got to do with the situation i am is the doctor available to talk right now is he available no he's not then i'll call back there's no reason to give him my fucking name what do you want no

what do you do like the grocery store when they say can i have your number and so i don't have a number don't worry about it it's like when you go to starbucks you're in that time do you want us to fill it to the top yeah i want you to let it go over and boil on my fucking fingers no give it some fucking air what's your email i don't fucking know it's eight no more get my coffee then ask me fucking questions okay what's with the fucking questions that ain't no more i can't even have a cup of coffee give me the fucking coffee is it two dollars do what the fuck you gotta do what's what the fucking what i think you might have broken your hand like that guy in the UFC fight the other night you know me i'm the toughest fucking thing gotta hurt my knuckles oh it's

really amazing how we give too much information you don't need to give nobody other information nothing you think you do steamroll these motherfuckers it's like you're a parrot i'm a parrot this times people email me they're talking about the winter i start talking about the summer when they read that email they're like fuck we tried to confuse him he confused us also do not forget about escapepodtank.com for all your floatation tank needs do you understand me i don't give a fuck you're gonna go to wherever you're gonna go float and pay procession get escape pod tank go to their website they have commercial tanks they have personal tanks for your house they have industrial tanks you know and i don't know if you guys know

about floatation systems or whatever go to escapepodtank.com look at what they got to offer if they got something that you like let's say you got questions call jeremy there's a 1-800 number jeremy i answer the phone they'll help you it's customer service is going to win you over you know why i went with them you know i work with them because they save you two to three to four grand and the customer service is fucking tremendous that is the most expensive that is the most important thing sometimes something's more expensive than others but i'll go with that guy because of the customer service you're gonna lose you're gonna you're gonna go with somebody over five hours and when you're calling for something they're gonna call you back the guy you paid the

money to he's gonna call you back trust me i'm telling you go to escapepodtank.com they're not gonna charge you more they're gonna save you money but jeremy when you call the 800 number he'll be his fucking nicest party give him a cop give him a give him a shot also when you mentioned my name you get 250 dollars off you want to play in your house they'll fly out install in your house they have a team to come out to your house or you can just order and do it yourself and sweat and remind yourself of christmas when you're fucking doing your kids toys and they don't bring a screw so just fucking you know i'm saying i have to let these people don't gotta draw pictures for these fucking people leaving you know when you're fucking around here

i'm sorry about today with the audio sound least spectacular what he does but sometimes the wires get crossed here and fucking the sound goes kaput and it happens so i'm happy you people listen to i know it's late on the east coast and it's late in the midwest but fuck you motherfucker is everyone's gonna break out of the mold and listen to a fucking podcast from time to time i don't even know what we fucking talked about for that but i know i had a good time and listen to me it's fucking hot in here you know thank god we didn't get this other office they don't turn the air on saturday and sunday we're gonna walk into a fucking oven on monday morning but we keep it at 74 74 does nothing when it's fucking 95 outside you know what i'm saying everybody wants

to keep their aircondition we need aircondition at 50 fucking five it's gotta be freezing i want to see you with a fucking winter jacket inside what good is it having an aircondition oh it's comfortable in here if i want to be comfortable i'll get some fucking pro keds or something like that all right i'm gonna be fucking cold i don't even want to be the fucking sweat i'm sitting here why would i be fucking hot i felt really bad have you ever pick up the t-shirts at the t-shirt place they don't have the a c on there i felt so bad for the people there today i was like oh god yeah i was like it's fucking hot in here dad no air in there no i was like oh these poor people fucking animals fucking people fucking animals to save what and you're gonna have uncomfortable

employees then when they rob you oh well he's a piece of shit he robbed me next time yeah one of the night when i worked a night shift they said bring a fan they turned the a c off and i was like fuck all right bring a fucking fan so anyway have you guys know next Wednesday we're doing a live podcast at the ice house eight o'clock four thirty and then the following week i'm at the camel back casino in santa fe with arisha fear it's a saturday night show may 10th then the following myself and the flying jew from the 15th or 17th will be a cap city comedy club in austin texas oh shit he'll be done as selling some fucking t-shirts eating some fucking gumis and having all that fun some gumis some gumis a bunch of them and for you people from the church thank you for

all the love and support you give me if you're coming to the shows and uh but just loving me and lee and for what we're doing you know we try really fucking hard here we're not some johnny come lately motherfuckers we try really hard here and we're happy that you uh you know we know you have a lot of fucking options so for you guys to tune in and give us the love you give us means a lot you know so thank you very much we'll see you guys wednesday with ed suarez nice and early six fucking the clock in the morning as usual we love you motherfucker stay black oh where's the musically you slip on hold on i gotta i gotta read the script again jesus christ not a crunch now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for hulu plus for your free trial of hulu plus

hulu plus is you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast to get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com get high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and again thank you to escapepodtanks.com get your floatation tank it's at your house you don't gotta float with random people uh mention joeyds and they're gonna save you the additional two and fifty dollars off stay black

oh shit uh oh shit we're gonna funk with joey lee let's see what you got for pop what do you know about this joy here let me see baby let me see what you got funk with joey what shit oh shit oh shit look at you let me see you do it that's it with the hands let's see you gotta shake that one like this like that let me go and then you go like this with the cowbell comes like oh let me see if you do yeah like this here it is like a genie see if you ate ass you know you're that motherfucker oh yeah yeah it's fart in my mouth i love it fuck it have a great week uh

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Well I met her in the garden Underneath that old apple tree Sitting with a handful of flowers Lookin' as cool as can be We talked away a couple of hours Then she laid her hand on my lap I thought I got to be dreaming I didn't know I fell on the track Then she made me say things I didn't want to say Then she made me play games I didn't want to say She was a ghost in fire Yeah, took my heart She was a ghost in fire And told me a pie She started movin' nice and easy Slowly gettin' into my spine Killing off these nice little feelings For everyone she could find And when she had me hollow and naked That's when she puttin' me down Pulled out a knife, but she flashed it before me Stuck it in and turned it around Then she made me say things I didn't want to say Then she made me play games I didn't want to play She was a ghost in fire Yeah, took my heart She was a ghost in fire And told me a pie And when she had me hollow and naked That's when she puttin' me down Pulled out a knife, but she flashed it before me Stuck it in and turned it around

And when she had me hollow and naked That's when she puttin' me down Pulled out a knife, but she flashed it before me She was a ghost in fire Yeah, took my heart She was a ghost in fire And told me a pie She started movin' nice and easy She was a ghost in fire Yeah, took my heart She was a ghost in fire Yeah, took my heart She was a ghost in fire