Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #171 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, June 13th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Blue Chew & BeSpoke Post.…. Support the show and receive your first month free at https://BlueChew.com with promo code JOEY Bespoke Post - Support the show and get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at https://BoxOfAwesome.com and enter code JOEY at checkout Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BlueChew #BespokePost The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code JOY and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, June 13th. The joint is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, if you're looking for some summer lovin', make sure you got some Blue Chew, Jack, because the summer's coming up fucking quickly and nobody wants to sling that dick, you understand me?

Blue Chew will help you with your erectile dysfunction. You can take it any day, any time, day or night. It's a simple process. You sign up at BlueChew.com, you talk to one of the licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you'll receive your prescriptions in days, you understand me? No doctor's office, no pharmacy, no judgment, just time to sling dick. Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA. It shipped right to your door in a discrete package and nobody knows nothing.

I'm not saying you got erectile dysfunction. What I'm saying is that you want to be a little bit more confident. You want to walk in there with a big dick and a smile with one of those things around your head like the Saints have. Blue Chew will help you get that, you understand me? It's safe, you can put it in your pocket, take it at night, day, it don't matter. If you could benefit from extra confidence with Blue Chew, this is it. Blue Chew has a special deal for the joint listeners. You ready to this?

Try Blue Chew free. Joey, what are you talking? Free! Use my promo code Joey and check out, just pay $5 in shipping. That's BlueChew.com, promo code Joey to receive your first month for free. You understand me? Blue Chew is tremendous. I love it.

I'm an old guy, I got problems, so I need Blue Chew. But you guys are strong, you always want to have a fucking backup. You don't want to just show up with one gun, do you? Visit BlueChew.com for details and important safety information. We sponsor, we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the joint. The joint is also brought to you by Best Spoke Post. Shake up your summer routine with Best Spoke and their new Box of Awesome collections. Listen, they sent me a knife, a big fucking knife, whiskey glasses, and a one hitter that's tremendous.

Be Spoke Post partners with small businesses to bring you the unique stuff every month. I like their Scotch box with the hot sauces from all over the country. Take the quiz at boxofawesome.com and they'll help you pick out the right box for you. You only pay a fraction of what these boxes are worth. 90% of everything in the box is from a small up and coming brand. If you sign up, you can skip a month and cancel at any time. So do me a favor, get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at Box of Office, Box of Awesome. A-W-E-S-O-M dot com, BoxofAwesome dot com.

Enter Code Joey and check out. Again, that's BoxofAwesome dot com, Code Joey, J-O-E-Y. For 20% off your first box. Now, let's get this party started. It's Monday morning, Jack. It's going to be a great week with Uncle Joey. Hey, how you doing? Come on in.

Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Yes, it is. It's Monday the 13th. If you're looking for black cats, you got to wait till Friday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.

It was a great fucking weekend for you guys that downloaded the app. My heart goes out to you. I love you, motherfuckers. I got an email into them. We'll probably hear everything tomorrow. I got to give you a password now. And then we'll get this motherfucking party started one night of motherfucking week. I'm excited.

And the other thing too, guys. This amp app was just a suggestion from me. I don't know if you guys, maybe it's time for you motherfuckers to blast off with some fucking DJing and talking shit. You guys been listening to podcasts for what, 20 fucking years now? You guys are all a bunch of fucking experts. When you download that app, make yourself a little fucking a show every fucking week, you know, Johnny Black's fucking rock station. Talk some shit. You know, you never know, guys.

Maybe doing a radio shows up your fucking alley, right? You like music. You like talking shit. You like smoking dope. You like getting your dick sucked. Yeah, that's that's the fucking. Hey, that's the job description. You know what I'm saying?

You like eating ass. You like working with dirty women. You like sucking dirty toes. Do you like getting sexual fucking diseases and rashes and shit like that, that don't hit you right away. They hit you 20 years later. You know, all that type of shit. If that's the fucking career choice you want, you never know. It might be the fucking way to go.

UFC was great Saturday night. I didn't watch the fucking thing till the next day I just watched. I gave a fuck about Joanna against the Chinese chick, you know, all week long, like Mondays before a fight. I always open up the Draft Kings app and I see what the lines are on Monday, right? And I just make little assumptions in my brain. I'm like, if I bet $20 on Glova, how much will I win? If I won $20 on this guy, how much will I win? If I bet like Valentina this week, if you bet $25, you sweat through that whole fight, pulled your hair out for $2.

You made $2 for that whole fucking fight. If you had a parlay with Glova, I mean, with the other guy that won the new champion and Valentina, if you bet $10, you probably lost the fucking dollar on those parlays. And that's just the way it is. You got to bet really heavy on those to make any fucking money. And who wants to bet $500 to win $125? That's bad business. So you just walk the fuck away from it. So last Monday, I opened up the app and like if you bet Joanna, $20, you won $60.

Doug, this is the UFC. You guys know weird things have happened. You just throw a punch up, the chick gets hit and that's it. We call a fucking fight. Her Dean loves to call early fight, you know. So you bet the fucking thing, but I didn't bet Monday. I wanted to see where it was going. And Friday I wake up and again I go on fucking DraftKings, the app and boom, fucking, I'm still getting $60 for Joanna.

This line has not moved. So I started calling people who know the fight game a little more than I do. And they said that Joanna hadn't fought in a while. Her last two outings weren't that good, you know. So I said, you know what? She still was a champion. I love her fucking, you know, her style, her kicks, the way she fights. I mean, let's see what happens.

And then, I don't know, last Monday was Saturday and I was watching TV with my wife. I forgot all about the fucking fights, guys. When I look at those fights and I see fucking, you know, $80 and I really want to watch three fights. And then I got to stay up til fucking midnight, you know, and get my money's worth out of the fight. I got to be in the fucking mood. It was like telling Mike, you know, Friday night I fucking went out. I went to a buddy's house around the corner and I fucking got sick seven minutes away. So hear me out.

I went to Atlantic City and back. I went to Point Pleasant three times and I went to fucking East Brunswick or West, whatever the fuck, New Brunswick one time or two times. Never got fucking sick. Didn't even think about it. And did the 18, which the 18 is a fucking right, her and fucking. You make a right on the 18. Any fucking right on the 18 South or the 18 North. And it's like a fucking mile loop.

You're like holding on to your fucking car, like shaking. Like when the fuck is this loop gonna end? But those loopty loops fucking kill me. I used to love them with the hot wheels. You've had the loopty loop and shit. I don't know what the fuck happened to the loopy loop. But that loopy loop on the 18, every time I fucking get off, that's like the final fucking stab in Jesus on fucking Sunday when they stab in the heart. Because I'm already a little fucked up.

So I got guys, I went so all these distances are 20 minutes, 25 minutes. I went seven minutes, seven minutes on Friday. Did not take an edible. Did not drink a cocktail. And believe it or not, this guy doesn't smoke pot. So I don't like, and he's got kids. So I wouldn't even want to go over there smelling like Jerry Garcia. So I want to, you know, I did like a hit early in the night or whatever.

I go over there. We're watching the fucking Celtic game Friday night. The Celtic game ends. No big deal. I think I drank a water and I ate, you know, two little pieces of popcorn. I fucking hate popcorn. So I just, that's all he had on the counter. So I watched the game.

I went home and had to be 1140 guys fucking first turn. I'm starting to fucking. I'm like, nah, this is probably fucking leftover edible juice. That's just getting me a little fired up. Making a comeback at night. Fuck no dog. And it's seven minutes by the fifth minute. I was already puking out the fucking window.

And then I fucking puked again. Then I puked in my driveway. Then I puked in the toilet. And I went to sleep and I woke up at three and I drank half a bottle of Peptorbizmo, which I don't fucking know who makes that. But that shit tastes like ass. And it just sits in your stomach. It works.

I'm not mad at anybody. It fucking works to death. But it just does not taste good. And then Saturday I was a little box all day. Had a few games up an old bridge. You know, my daughter played in the fucking listen, man. It's great to see the growth in children. It's great to see the growth of anybody.

It's great when you last year, I'll give an example. Last year there was a girl who came up. No athleticism whatsoever built like a little bottle. She was in no danger. We were running the basis. She was so out of shape. There was days where she was just sitting in the outfield. Then you got to love her.

She's a great kid. You know, she didn't play on our team, but I watched it. There's like fucking six more bro teams, right? So I'm watching her and I don't know. I don't talk to her parents or anything. She's just a sweet girl. She talks to my daughter. And then a new off season.

You know, the girl did so bad last year that I didn't think she was going to come back. Like I didn't think she was going to come back. You know, whatever. Kids are kids, but she came back and Mercy played in the league up to her. So she's nine, but she plays in the lower nine. And at one of the games, I saw her dad or something. You know, nice guy. He's like, yeah, you know, she feels bad.

I go, listen, listen, what happens? She came another year. She fucking showed up for another year. So obviously she fucking likes it. Right? I go, this is going to catch them up. Trust me when I'm telling you, this is going to catch them up because maybe my daughter will inspire her or she'll inspire my daughter. And that's the way everybody works.

Let me tell you something. That girl fucking won a game yesterday. She pitched the game. That girl that was athletically in no danger last year that she would sit in the outfield and chase fucking flowers and shit like that and get stung by bees. Well, yesterday she struck out like five, five fucking people and she won a Saturday, whatever the fuck. So when you hear this, you're like, God damn, that's great. Now I watch them practice the girls, you know, my daughter's team. I want, you know, I'm there.

I talk to the dads. I, I bring a little vapor pen. I get a little fucking tootsie roots. And I talk to the parents. I bring a fucking water and you sit out there and get vitamin D. And I got to tell you, man, I showed up this year one time. Like I went to get something for the girls or something. When I came back, I'm like, where the fuck is my daughter? I got on the bench and I'm sitting and I'm like, who the fuck is this little catcher?

This little catch is like throwing her fingers up two hours and say, and after a couple of minutes ago, that's my daughter. I could not fucking believe she was catching. And I'm like, holy fuck. And now the two girls that were non-existent on her team, like yesterday, uh, Saturday, some girl won the MVP on both games. She was quiet all season. Guys, it goes back to what we fucking explored on the church. Just keep showing up. Just keep showing up.

I got my third stripe in jujitsu Sunday. I am fucking horrible in jujitsu. Do you understand me? I am horrible. But you know what? They have a thing for the class and I told the guy, go guy, my knees hurt. I haven't even come to the blue blood class. How can you give me a stripe?

And he goes, dog, you keep coming. Even though your knee is hurt, you keep showing up and you do the exercises and you run and you do the hip escapes. And I could see that you're learning. I could see your cardio is getting better. I was a little embarrassed when he goes, I'm giving out stripes. And I'm like, I mean, I ain't getting no fucking stripe. And also I got a fucking stripe. You know what?

Guys, I kept showing up. I'm not a jujitsu master. I'm never going to be a jujitsu master. It doesn't give a fuck. I go there. I burn three, four hundred calories. I take a shower. I eat something.

I get the fucking THC juice and whatever other juice I got in my body sweat out. And I'm a happier person over it. Again, I'm not the fuck at all. I'm not even, dog, if I was, if you ranked me as a comic for a jujitsu, I wouldn't even be an MC. I'm like an open mica. But I go there. Today I rolled. You know, you roll, you get beat up, you tap and that's it.

You move the fuck on. But what are my options to sit here and get bigger and fatter and at least move around right now? I lift twice and I go to two to three jujitsu's and it's working. I got to wear a fucking knee brace with fucking metal bars in it. I feel like one of those fucking fucked up kids, but this is what it is. And it lets me fucking get better and lets me get stronger. But, you know, I've been, I've been fucking liquid IV cocksuckers. Oh my God, these are great, especially after you're sweating shit.

If you're just going to drink it to sit at home, you're just going to get fat as fuck as it's got tons of sodium. And you're just going to fucking get all juicy and shit. But if you're really fucking sweating and that stuff is coming out of it, this liquid IV is tremendous. The concord grape, I can't get away from it. It's like, I remember years ago when I went to the longest yard, guys, I walked on that fucking set and I was busting the same at 390. The first week, which nobody fucking knows about. All right, I never really discussed. You don't discuss when you fucking, you know, just humiliated.

You know what I'm saying? Like you just humiliated. So I check into my hotel room that Monday, whatever, we have the table read the next day. They go, Joe, you're not working all week, but they're doing a conditioning football thing. Just so you go out there and get familiarized with the positions and shit. I go, what time is it there? I go, it's going to be 10. I'll be that quarter to 10.

You know, man, I'm ready to fucking rock. Guys, I show up. I haven't done an exercise at this point besides walking on stage for 10 years. There was no lifting weights. There was nothing. I lived across the street from Hawaii. There was nothing. I just got on that fucking thing and the football coach goes, Joe, you're playing the defensive tackle.

So you stand here and I knew it. I knew where to stand. I knew all the positions and shit. I think they said, Joe, we're just going to do one shot from the side to see how you block and all this stuff. And I went to block this guy. He just took my arm and threw me on the fucking floor. I was like, yeah. And when I fell down, I didn't even fall.

I bounced. There's a big difference between falling and bouncing. You ever see those big balls at the gym? Those big round balls that you lay on and shit. Could you imagine that thing had arms and legs and you just throw it and how it bounced? Boom. That was me, dog. I bounced and I couldn't even fucking bounce again.

I just rolled on this part of my body. I was just stuck in that position. He's like, Joe, are you okay? I'm like, I don't fucking think so. So he grabbed me and he goes, this is what we're going to do. We're just going to walk the sides with an oxygen tube in your nose. So here's all these dudes. You know, he is fucking the Dalips and the fucking, you know, just these guys that are in fucking magnificent shape.

And here's fat slob, Uncle Joey on the sideline with oxygen fucking things. Just walking back and forth and they gave me like a two pound weight. And they go, just start there, Joey. And I never forget Goberg. God bless his soul. He's like, that dude is dying. Look at his face. This is not right.

My fucking face was beat red and it's elevated. Like it's oxygen. He's like, this dude's dying. He ain't dying on my watch. He goes, come here, kid. And he fucking wanted his bag and he took out a grape. Shit. You give the kids.

No, the shit that when the kids sick, you give them to him like, you know, you got kids at home. They're great. But yeah. No, it's like Gator Ray for kids. It's like grape and cherry and fruit punch. And this comes in big gallon fucking containers. Thought I was dying. It was hot.

I couldn't breathe. He gave me that fucking thing. And it was. And there wasn't I see. It was like, it's a kid's drink. You guys know what the fuck it is. It's, it's, uh, no, it's, it's, uh, it's a vitamin drink for babies. If they get hydrated, if your baby gets sick, you get the grape shit.

And I'll never forget, I drank that grape shit. I'm like, this is fucking good. So he goes, listen, I got tons of this shit. They, they send it to me by the gallon. This is what I drink when I lift weights. I'm like, dog, I'm hanging out with you all fucking weeks. So all week, that first week, all I had to do was go to the sidelines report. You know, I tried to do jumping jacks.

I tried to do squats and shit. I was doing the squats, the pushups. It was harder for me to get up than the fucking pushup. But the time I got down and got in the pushup position is 20 fucking minutes. I was so big. So that was all week. I was run to that thing because I loved those great fucking Pedialytes. Walk them back and forth with my little five pound kettlebell and shit and pushing an oxygen fucking thing.

Can you imagine this? You know, I don't know if I ever told you this. I tell these stories like when Lee was around because Lee would go, no, that never happened to you. Yes, it fucking did Lee. Yes, it fucking did. I realized, you know, the worst thing in life is to go somewhere like when I go to Jiu-Jitsu now, I'm bearable. Like I could do the warm up and that for me. Listen, I remember Alberto Crane once said, if a person over 50 comes to my Jiu-Jitsu class and they just do the warm up, I'd be really happy with that.

And they started from there. If they could just do the warm up, I could do the fucking warm up at least and I could do the hip escapes. I can't do the fucking summer salt. I'm not even going to try those fucking things like landing on your shirt, your shoulder and going over. If you get me a normal plot and it hurts, I'll flip. But until then, I ain't going to flip. All right, I ain't going to happen. But in that movie, man, that's the worst when you get thrown into something and you, you're not prepared.

Like right before I went to prison, I fucking started swimming in the master's program in Boulder. Some guy came in, a UPS guy. He was yoked and I just asked him, I said, dog, I keep lifting weights. I'm getting big, but I want to start ripping some of this fatness off some of his muscle off me when I go to prison. And I thought he was going to go, yeah, come meet me like I do. And this motherfucker's like, show up at 6am and you could swim with me. And I'm like, what? And you know those situations where you're like, I really opened my fucking fat mouth.

Now I got to go down there fucking six in the morning, you know, because if not, the guy comes to my job every day. He's going to embarrass me in front of everybody. Where the fuck were you? So I went there at six in the morning, dog. I didn't know what to expect. Did I feel like getting on a bike and leaving? Fuck yeah. The first time the lady goes getting the pool, I got in the fucking pool.

She goes, just swim for me so I can see it. I must have been in there like 10 minutes just thinking I was Mark Spitz. Water was going everywhere. Trying to do a fucking Puerto Rican, whatever the fuck. What do you call that one? That one. Whatever the fuck. The breaststroke.

No, this is the breaststroke, but then they have the one that they do in the Olympics and shit. Yeah. I was in no danger. I'm almost drowning with the fucking buoy. And she came in and she taught me how to swim properly. That's fucked up when you think you know how to swim. And you can fucking drown. Like that day I kissed on the way out.

I go, man, I was 25 years old. I thought I could fucking swim. I jumped in the pool. They were looking at me like a black dude because black dudes, some of a certain age, I just read this the other day. Black dudes, like 60% of black dudes can't fucking swim. I don't understand that shit. But hey, I'm not, it's not racist. And I'm just saying that I don't understand how to fuck.

They don't 60% do everything else. They slam basketball, they hit home runs, they play golf and you can't fucking swim. Yeah. But I saw that movie about the black swimmers a couple of years ago. There was a move. Anyway, who gives a fuck? My point is I tried to get in the pool and I didn't know how to fucking swim and it was humiliating. It was fucking humiliating.

Nothing worse than getting into something and just like being fucking completely out of it. Like when Mike brought me the guitar, I didn't even know where to start. I ain't no better now. But at least now I can play cocaine. I could spit out a couple of fucking, you know, it sounds like a fucked up Angus. Got his finger cut off, but it's AC DC. You know what I'm saying? But when you don't have any, like my daughter never played baseball before.

And that's impressed the shit out of me in two years. She's made the all stars. She's doing this. Hey, whatever that fucking kids, but still she caught on to something and it just brings me back to fucking just showing up, not even worrying about. I don't care about belts. I don't care about anything. When you're doing comedy, I learned that from doing comedy, man.

That you could sit there for 10 years and talk about the sound that they see. I didn't like it. They know the lights and asbury park. Listen, stop fucking complaining because you're going to have to do this for 10 years. So if every room you go to, you're going to come up with a fucking. I don't like that room because fucking they have. Listen, guys, there's going to be something. So just put your head down and keep fucking going.

I'll tell you for a long time, we discussed on this podcast about me going to do standup for months, for months. Guys, I looked at that clock at seven 30 and I'm like, I'm smoking some pot. I ain't getting in the fucking car and doing standup, but then something happened. I went down there with Tom and again, it took me two weeks to go up. Then I went down there with Brian Callan. Then again, it took me two weeks. Then I went down to East, uh, to news, whatever on my own one night and that felt okay.

Then I took two weeks and I said, fuck it. I'm going to get on stage once a week. I just don't know what I'm just going to pick a night when we're free and my daughter doesn't have a game or not. And you know what? That was three weeks ago. So in three weeks, I've gotten on stage three times, four weeks in a row. I've gotten on stage one Thursday, the Thursday before Rogan and last Thursday.

So I got on stage three Thursdays in a row on the way home. You know, I told him, I said, I'll be down here every Thursday at Uncle Vinny's. He don't go down there to 15, 10 minutes. So let's pretend I did all those fucking sets and even the ones last year at Vinny's guys, it didn't come together till Thursday night. Now I'm ready. It was the weirdest fucking thing because the first night in Atlantic City, I was stiff as a fucking board.

Saturday, I loosened up a little bit. The material wasn't much better, but I loosened up a little bit. I did a Patreon podcast last week and I discussed. Do you ever see the sketches of Marlon Brando getting goofed on when he did The Godfather that he didn't know his lines? Okay. I saw that sketch a thousand times. I think, I think Marlon Brando was on a Saturday Night Live and he fucking with Matthew Broderick

and Matthew Broderick to the joke about him put stickers all over. Okay. Then I think when they did, when he did the graduate, he did a movie with Matthew Broderick around, I don't know, 15 years ago or something about it. He went to work for him in Little Italy. And so Saturday Night Live blew it up and they called back the sketch. The sketch was that in The Godfather, and you could see pictures if you go online and actually great fucking pictures of Marlon Brando reading lines, rehearsing with Mike,

me rehearsing with Mike, but what you're not seeing is Mike's got stickers on him. You know, Marlon Brando will put stickers on him to remember his lines. You know, he put key words or something. And then they also have the fucking pictures of Marlon like with an easel, like whatever, like whatever the fuck you call holding a big board, like you see at games, you suck all those boards with big boards with the lines, you know, and people were goofing on him. He fucking motherfucker won the Academy Award for The Godfather and people were goofing on him that he didn't know his fucking lines, but something that didn't get released.

I think you can find that line. It's called Acting Class with Marlon Brando. He did it. He did these things. He did these episodes. I think he did like 10 episodes. Do not quote me on this. He could have done eight.

He could have done six, but he did toward an acting class and it was going to run on like NBC or something, but he died. So they canned the whole project, but they had those acting classes. He did six or eight classes or whatever. I had a friend that was a comedian and he was a promoter, a great guy out of Houston, Texas. This guy would send me for about three or four years in a row. I lived off his deposits because he would send me a gig. He would say, hey man, are you available November 8th?

I go, yeah. He called me like November 1st. Hey man, the gig got pushed back. I'll call you when the new date comes up. Then he called you six months later and go, hey, are you available? Yeah. I'm going to send you a deposit for 500 and then he would cancel. This happened fucking five times with this guy.

Great guy. And then I just felt bad. I'm like, I can't keep taking your nickels. Once I stopped snorting coke, I'm like, I can't take your nickels no more because you just give me money. But anyway, this guy was a good guy and he was an actor. He was a great guy out of Houston and he sent me the clip one day. I'm going to send you a clip. I got in the episode.

He was like one of the students and he was sent me the clip. And this is really fucking interesting. It was Marlon Brando saying, listen, man, I love these fucking assholes that think they know acting, you know, and all this shit. There's something put to this. He goes, you know, when I did that, you know, when I did the Godfather, they did the Santa live sketches to try to fucking make me feel like a mutt. Right. He goes, let me tell you the truth about that. He goes, if you don't know your character, you're never going to know your lines.

What? And he just kept saying that if you don't know your character, you're never going to know your lines. And the whole class was like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, like, oh, you know, he said it. He goes, listen, if you don't know who that person is deep down inside and you could see his vision, the lines aren't going to stick to you. The lines aren't going to, they're not going to work for you. And that's why whenever I get an audition, I always, let's say they send you an audition for Frankie. And on the bottom of Frankie, it says Italian guy from the neighborhood bookmaker, whatever, fucking mobster, whatever.

I'll take that breakdown when I agree to it and I'll go, I'll give Frankie a last name. So I'll give Frankie Klein, half Jewish, half Italian. I'm just writing a story about that. I don't even know who this fucking guy is. I really don't, but I just write. So every time I get an audition, whatever the guy's name is, I give him a last name and I give him a fucking background. Why? I have no fucking idea.

That's how I was taught to act. Give that guy a background. Married, kids got left back in the second grade. He's missing a toe, whatever. I don't get, got VD, whatever the fuck you want to put, because it doesn't matter. It's somebody else's story, but you're lining this character down to the T, his mother's Jewish, his father's Italian. He went the fuck and he took Latin school. I don't give a fuck because the more backstory you give to this guy, the more you'll know this guy.

So when you say those lines that they give you, you're going to remember them a lot easier. Trust me, you're talking to Johnny. I can't remember a fucking joke when I go on stage. But if you know the central part of this fucking character, once you start reading the lines, you're going to absorb the lines a lot easier than if you didn't know the fucking character. So for the last year and a half, I've been going up there and trying to tell jokes, and that's great, Joey. That's what you are, a comedian, and that's great. But guess what? Everybody got jokes.

Everybody's got jokes. So you have to do something more. You have to give them something more so they can remember you. Right? How do you determine whether or not you, like Andrew Schultz, compared to Big J. OK, said their jokes, something they wear, something about their past, something about their life. That's how you make your connection. Okay. With me, I'm not a good writer, guys.

But I know that. You know, I'm not John Mulaney. I'm not David Tell. These guys are phenomenal writers. Tom Segura is a very good writer. I could write 90 jokes and not make you fucking laugh. And you'll go, Joey, those are jokes from, you know, Judy Carter, stand-up comedy. What the fuck?

Because it's everything else that comes with it. It's the whiff of your character. I go on stage. Yeah, my name is Jose Diaz. It's Joey Diaz. But when I go on stage, the character's name is Coco. I'm not responsible for what Coco says. I don't even know what the fuck he's going to say.

That's not, you know, when you see Andrew Dice Clay, his real name is Max Silverstein or whatever the fuck it is. But on stage, it becomes dice. I've never looked at it like this. Honest to God. And my 30 years of doing comedy. But in this situation, with me being away from the stage so long, from me being away from writing so long and just doing a podcast, I got confused. So when I went on stage Friday night, I knew something was missing. I was around Joe.

If somebody was going to take it out of me, it was going to be Joe with us talking Friday night. When I went up there on Saturday, I did different materials. Some jokes were the same, but I did a lot better on Saturday because the character came out. I paced a little bit, which is uncharacteristic for me. I paced from left to right, which I never do. I never do. That was the replacement for the character. The character was trying to come out.

He just didn't know what the fuck to do. So he walked back and forth like a dummy that I am. And I didn't feel it on the drive home. I was thinking, how can I improve on my set and where did that pacing come from? Because I have not paced on fucking stage in 20 goddamn years. I have not paced on stage in Seattle and that was 1997. So whatever the fuck that is, I have not paced. I usually, I like to do stand up straight with the microphone there to sell the joke with my hands.

That's the movement of your hands to sell that fucking joke. And then movements on your body to put a period at the end of that fucking sentence and to begin a new one. Like I told you on the church for Rodney, it was touching his microphone. It was touching his microphone, touching his necktie. He gave you permission to laugh. They suck you in. You know, I always, this week I watched it again. If you're a stand up or you want to learn about stand up before you watch any of these Netflix fucking specials, do yourself a favor.

Watch Rodney, the specials with dice. And I say this repeatedly because people will not listen. Watch the Andrew Dice Clay set from Danger Fields. Immediately Rodney goes up, does not do any fluff and goes on stage and brings up Bill Hicks. Watch Dice's set, grab a pen, grab a piece of paper, get a water. Sit there and watch Dice's set. He's saying jokes. It's his character.

He's fucking destroy and I fucking love it. He destroys so hard, Bill Hicks comes up and Bill Hicks is a pro. So if he, somebody who's unprofessional, somebody who's, I shouldn't say unprofessional, somebody who's inexperienced. If my man wasn't experienced as he was, Bill Hicks, he would have shit the bed because he rushed it. Like 15 years ago, I would have gone on stage after Joe Rogan or Dave Chappelle or any of Bill Burr, any of those powerhouses. And even though I had skills, I'd still go up there and rush it. I try to get the taste, especially if the MC doesn't do time in between them, in between me and somebody else. When Dice destroyed the room, Rodney walks fucking up and he goes, let's keep it going for Andrew.

And he goes, now coming to the stage from Houston, Texas. This guy is so fucking, he's way ahead of his time, Bill Hicks. There was no material, there was no chance to take the taste out of their mouth. There was nothing. They had Dice in them. Dice hadn't come in their mouth. Dice had come in their mouth and some way figured out how to split his dick like an Amazon stock. Did you buy Amazon stock last week?

They're selling split stocks and they fucking, he put, I mean, Dice destroyed the fucking room. But when you see Hicks come out, Hicks comes out and you see the experience. Takes his time, plays with his fucking cigarette because he knows he has you. He just, he's luring you into a trap. He's like a fucking spider trying to get a fly. Remember when I used to capture flies? It was like me. I'm going to start capturing flies again.

I can't find one. I got a jar the other day and I could pop the top. So I'm back, Jack. I forgot I used to give them shit and feed them and bring them up. I got to get my fly for them cooking again. Anyway, when he fucking, I watched it again this week. I've been watching it on YouTube as much as I can at night when I write comedy now. I fucking put YouTube on those specials and I, but I'm going back to the deep ones, the Rodney ones.

I found a Bill Hicks special and I'm listening to these guys, but we're talking about Hicks following dice. Guys, it's an education and it's, it's like watching very good jujitsu. He puts his hands everywhere. He's technical and it's a fucking joy to watch. So my point is, I don't even know how you got the fucking Bill Hicks and whatever. I got to stop smoking dope in the morning. My point is that I'm back to the notion where like after I drove home after the third time, I went on Thursday.

I was so proud of myself just because I went out. But two reasons have been the third week in a row and it was the best that I fucking did. By far last Thursday at Uncle Vinnie's, my set was fucking awesome. And for me to say that, what do I tell you how all the sets, something was missing. They laughed. I could dog. I can make you laugh, but that's not it. I want to give you something more.

If that character is not in, I'm missing. It's and I have not come back here at all. Not one time guys and said, I killed, I leveled the room. They were holding onto the ears, you know, they were puking. That's a lie. I, that did not happen. I appreciate you guys that went to Atlantic City and said, I killed and all this shit. Listen, I appreciate you motherfuckers and you were happy to see me and honest to God.

I was happy to see you motherfuckers, but I didn't kill last Thursday. I killed. Let me tell you what. How I know none of that shit. I had in these notebooks that I go up there and tell none of those boring ass fucking jokes. I went up there and I told what was in my stomach. I could feel it coming out of my stomach like that puke on fucking Friday night. I could feel it.

You know, like when you're going to puke and you feel it and right here, you do that little burp, that little bup, burp, bup. And then you have to catch it with your own saliva and either you swallow it or it fucking goes out. If you swallow it, you're going to fucking die. But guys, I went up there and it was like the first joke was what I was thinking about, but it was not a joke. It was not even close to being a fucking joke. And I took off with it by that. Thank God I taped the fucking set by mistake. I just said, I maybe I should tape this set tonight and sure enough, guys, when I got in the car that night to drive home, a little tear came down my face because it took me fucking close to two years to find myself.

That is fucking crazy to find myself on stage. I'm like, I thought, guys, I could go on stage every night, charge you 30 bucks and take your money and half years to leave that going. That was great. Joey was funny, but I'm going to know I wasn't fucking funny and I'm going to know I wasn't great. And that's what was missing. The fucking the, you know, and it's like Ari said to me a couple of weeks ago, just come up and tell a story. He goes, Joey, once you start telling the story, he goes, like you told any other story, you're going to get into it. You're going to fucking then everything comes in and it took Jesus Christ 20 months.

You know, I did all those shows last year when I moved here, probably from November to February. I did probably 16 shows. Guys, I could tell you, I didn't have one good show. Not one good show. I think about him. Now I look all my notes because when I get on stage, I always write the show and the note. All those shows I looked at in my two weeks ago, I was not happy with not one of those shows. And Uncle Vinny, I was doing old material.

It was fucking coming up clunky. I wasn't coming up right. I was stuttering. I couldn't remember Olive Garden. I couldn't remember Jersey Mike's. I couldn't remember basic fucking things. I could listen. You remember your jokes, but you don't really want to say them after a while.

Once the pandemic came, I wasn't going to write those jokes down and remember them. And I tried them and I was connected to two jokes I really liked. But then I looked at me and I'm like, should I even be talking about this shit at this age? What the fuck is wrong with me? So now, guys, I just want to let you know it's official. I'm back. I feel good. I'll be out this week.

I don't know what shows. You know, everything changes. Like last week, I was going on the Philly. Bring Duncan some fucking laughing gas and hang out with Duncan. You know, just, I haven't seen Duncan fucking since the pandemic. I couldn't go down Friday and Saturday. I want to go down Thursday and see him and I could get home early. It was just, it's just an hour and seven minutes with the fucking wave.

It's away from South street. I won't get shot in Philly, but I love Philly anyway. They gonna shoot me down there. So it started raining and all this shit and George couldn't drive. I said, fuck it. I just go down to uncle Vinny's. You know, so then on the weekend, I want to go see Jim Norton on Friday. I already had fucking great shows on Uncle Vinny's Friday night.

My daughter had a game. We didn't get out at the nine o'clock. Went to fucking Jersey freeze for the first time. The burger was okay. I didn't like the bread. It was on the, I didn't like, I saw people eating hot dogs. They put fucking that jelly, that cheese sauce on it. I'm not.

Uncle Joe is not into cheese sauce. If you're going to make a fucking chili dog, put some American cheese on that motherfucker. You know what? If the chili's really good, I'll even take a piece of cheddar on that motherfucker. Yeah. I don't like the cheese whiz guys or cheese like that or nothing. I don't like cheese sauce. Okay.

I want fucking cheese. I don't want no cheese sauce. So yeah, I don't like they'll be, it was cousins to Velveeta. The burger was good. And I know the ice cream is really good at Jersey freeze. I didn't have none. Two, I didn't want ice cream and three, the fucking line was on Friday night. Holy shit.

They don't fuck around. You know, we had a softball game and freehold on the way home. I said, let me, let's just stop there. We had the girls. We had like six fucking girls. They were happy. They were jumping up and down. I said, my wife got the cheese steak.

It didn't look bad. Again, I was on the move for a big fucking cheese steak. So I just went with the cheese burger. Not bad. I really wanted a fucking hot dog. My friend gave me a JJ's shirt, hot dog, JJ's hot dogs and Newark. He brought me a chili dog one time. Oh my God.

But he just brought me one. I'm like, I appreciate the one guy, but fucking one chili dog. It was tremendous. You know, but who the fuck has time to go to Newark to get a fucking chili dog? That's when you're a real fat fuck. If I got to go to Newark to get a fucking chili dog, I could just buy two set breads, get some fucking hostess buns. Fucking gets, cause you don't need like great chili.

You just need like, okay, chili. Like put a little fucking Goulders mustard on that motherfucker. Good, googly moogly. Oh, I'm getting fucking starving. I'm thinking about the fucking pickled herring today. Jesus Christ. I've been thinking about that for, they make a cheeseburger at the pickled herring. I don't know what those Jews put in it.

I fucking love the pickled herring, but I went in there one day with Florentine to eat. And there was some people next to me. Me and Florentine got like the pastrami sandwich, but there were some people, you know what I mean? Eating a cheeseburger. I'm like, fuck that cheeseburger looks good. So I went in there to get some sandwich. Oh, when I went in there with Lee to send his mama a fucking cat package. I went in there and I asked the guy, you guys make cheeseburgers?

He goes, listen, they're fucking good. We make them in house. We pack them in house. So one Sunday night we weren't doing none. I go, let's get some. I went over and I got three cheeseburgers for me and Terry. Oh my God. So now it's not bad enough.

They got good pastrami. Forget about the corned beef fucking sandwich. The, what do you call that corned beef with the Rubin dog? You got a corned beef Rubin at the pickled herring. Your asshole will be so fucking happy because the corned beef comes out late in that fluffy fucking sauerkraut. You blow farts that makes you so happy. You got an elevator with a bunch of old people. They all got mask on.

You're like, that ain't stopping the owner. That's about to come out of my ass. Go. You buy the triple mask. Then when these motherfuckers are triple masking, oh, you either Rubin from the fucking pickled herring. You eat half of it. It's got muts on it. It's got the cheese melted to give you crinkle cut fries.

All the Russian dressing. I'm tired of pickled herring ain't fucking around today. Now all I can think about is yarmulkes. Yarmulkes is shit. The Cougal, the Krugel is good in there. The fucking chicken soup is good. The matzo ball soup is good. I don't know what it is with Jews and chickens.

They got a roasted chicken they making there. Good googly moogly. Sorry about this, guys. I'm getting you off there. How the fuck did you bust out those Amish donors? You had poor Lee looking up Amish people in Florida. People go to Florida and look for Cubans and the fucking Brazilian girlfriends. Lee goes down there.

He's looking at them. I looked up Amish to see what they were. And they have two restaurants. Who the fuck goes to? I don't even know what the Amish eat, but whatever. I guess it's fucking good. But my point is, guys, with the stand-up, little commitments become big commitments. Some that I've been talking about for years.

Everybody goes, wow, I don't want to go to the gym because, listen, just sign up. All these fucking gyms around here, Jersey, Moscow, Crunch, all these fucking gyms around here. They want like five bucks and like 10 bucks to go to the classes. Those are cheap things. You're saying to yourself, Joe, I'm not healthy. I get emails every week from people, Joe, I'm out of weight. I'm out of shape. I don't know where to start.

Guys, the only fucking person you're fighting is yourself. The only warrior in Tangledon is yourself. Everybody is pulling for you at a gym. Everybody. When you go to doctor's office, where do you think they're going? I hope his fucking leg don't heal? What, I hope his eye don't come back? You know, everybody's healing, cheering for you.

When I go to jiu-jitsu, people are cheering for you. When you go to do comedy, people are cheering for you. It doesn't matter. You don't have to be the fucking light that world on fire. If you start by going to the gym once a week, and you say to me in three months, Joey, I've been going to the gym for three months, but I just go once a week. Brother, that's a start. But you have not missed those fucking three months.

Not once. You've made it there, and you've stayed there for the, that's it. Now is when things are going to start happening. If you keep, you know, for me, listen, there's two types of comics. No offense to anybody. I'm not trying to be a dick, a dickwad here. You know, I love Bill Ma. I watch his show.

I like what he talks about. You know, I love Bill Ma. I like him as a standup. I like, I watch his last special. You know, I've never seen Bill Ma alive, maybe except three or four times at the improv. I've never seen my other brother that I fucking love. The English guy that insults everybody. They were mad at him on Netflix two weeks ago.

I forget his fucking Ricky Gervais. I've never seen him work out live. I know he does. I've seen Ricky and Anthony with Rich Voss and those guys. I'd love to meet him. You know, I'm a fan of his George Lopez when I was there, Gabriel. You know, Gabriel's a fucking megastar. He's over in Europe selling everything the fuck out.

The people from fucking Ukraine are even showing to his fucking shows. They're like, fuck it. We're going. My point is that Gabriel, those guys never really worked out on stage. We became friends with Gabriel. I'd see Gabriel out all the fucking time. I mean, we were, we did gigs together, went to Chicago together, went to fucking Modesto together. But once Gabriel hit, Gabriel was the type of guy that worked so hard in the weekends.

He didn't really work out during the week. You know, Rick Gervais is an international fucking superstar. I can't see him going to the stand eight nights a week or the comedy seller and getting mobbed by people and getting tortured. You know, there's a couple of different types of comics. There's comics that I wish I was one of those comics because I tried it. I'm like, oh, hi there. You know, I wish I was a comic that was writing based that I just had to write my jokes, put them in order. And then when I'm ready, maybe one do one warm up one night.

And then when I'm ready for the big show, do the warm up. I wish I could do that. I don't really know how he worked. I know I only saw him one time and spoke to him doing like a show, but that doesn't work for me. Like I got to be loose. Like I got to be really fucking loose. And that tightness I had the last 20 months from the pandemic, whatever it was affecting my stand up, it wasn't going to work. It wasn't I let myself go and I let Coco take over.

But guys, it's it's going back to what I said. It all starts with one thing a week. I'm not sweating at all. My mood has been better. You know, I wish I go out every night with Mike and do the open mics and giggle. But Mike's got kids. I got kids. I got responsibilities.

I'm an old man. Sometimes my ass hurts something every day is a new fucking adventure in this fucking house. You know, like I told you, I twist the right ankle, I wake up Thursday, the left ankle fucking hurts. But it's little commitments become big commitments. If you do anything this Monday to make yourself better. This week, upcoming week, I know your slug, you know, maybe you're, you're struggling with, listen, I don't care. Even with Coke. Like I could tell you guys that yeah, one day I just woke up and I'm miraculous.

Didn't look up now. I was working on 18 different fucking therapies for me to get off coke. The one that really makes me laugh is acupuncture. Because when I first started going to acupuncture, I wanted to have the health. But then she turned me on to, you know, my ankles were fat. Like I had a lot of built up shit in my ankles. That's what happens when you're a fat fuck your ankles start to turn purple. It's not healthy.

You could fucking die from that. But anyway, she started circulation. 90% of acupuncture is circulation. It's, you know, there's a blockage. You're opening up that blockage and the blood's going to treat it now and it washes it out. Anyway, it don't fucking matter. This is not acupuncture 101. My point is that every Tuesday I was very honest with Dr. Amy and I would tell her,

Dr. Amy put the acupuncture needle, put the needles in my ears to help me with the addiction. And she would triple it up. I would leave, I would take needles to go. Like they actually have needles that they put in you to go. And she would go, let me put this needle in your ear, two of them to go. And my job every Tuesday night was to snort a line, look in the mirror and make that fucking needle pop out of my fucking ear. Did it ever happen? No.

But I would snort coke. I never looked in the mirror, but I would snort coke and the fucking needles would pop out throughout the night. That was my job. But after you do that for fucking once a week for a year, it eventually it's going to take. It happened with the acupuncture. It'll happen with the stand-up comedy. It'll happen with whatever the fuck you want. If I, listen, I enjoy playing the guitar, but I play the guitar once a week.

I don't even take lessons anymore. If I pick it up two times, it's a party. I picked it up like on a Wednesday night, I was down here until like 11.30. I was having a great time, but it's basically one thing. I'm not looking to be Eric Clapton or Jeff Beck. I'm not looking to make an album with fucking, you know, fucking Crazy Boy. What's, they just shit in his bed. Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp is doing an album with Jeff Beck. They're doing a, yeah, they're doing an album of covers. I can't wait for the, I told Jimmy, I can't wait for the first eight to come up to me and go, man, did you hear Jeff Beck and doing Johnny and doing them? I can't wait for an album to come out. It's like, God, get your life fucking together. You're waiting for an album of covers from Johnny Depp. Give me a fucking break.

The fuck is wrong with people? I don't want to hear cover ever. They're going to do a fucking cover album and, but those knuckleheads are around. Put on any trunk this week on Hair Nation. You'll hear one of those. Well, how you doing this Brad from, from fucking Virginia? Man, did you hear that Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp are putting an album out? I can't wait for that one.

Shut the fuck up. Jeff Beck's a hundred and Johnny Depp. Who the fuck knows what's going on with it? All of a sudden he's fucking Jim O'Page and shit. I need that shit like a whole bad. Anyway, guys, little commitments become big fucking commitments at any level, even when you're fucking 60 and I'm living fucking proof. Just show up once a week.

That's it. And then one week you'll go fuck it. My daughter's going to watch some stupid movie because her and my wife watch some movie some night. Some nights I got shit to do down here, but some nights I'm like, nah, I'm taking a ride to smoke a fucking number or something. And that's what I do. I get the fuck out of here. Now I could just run up to New Brunswick.

I think I'm going to do a set at my girl Allie's room in motherfucking Asbury Park pretty soon. She had an opening on June 30th, but if I'm doing the Bert tour when I come back, I'm taking that week off. But anyway, who gives the Frenchman's fuck? It's Monday motherfucking morning, the 13th, a beautiful day to be alive. And like I preach on the joint, I started on the church every fucking week. Our goal is to be better than the last motherfucking week. That's it.

Just a little bit more. That's it. I don't need for you to lose eight pounds. Just losing ounce. You ever lose on that? You ever tell somebody, I lost eight ounces last week. They'll look at you like, what the fuck? Yeah, I lost eight ounces.

It's a start, motherfucking. And all we're trying to do is just start. Get it going again. Fucking COVID's over. That said, it's just a fucking, it's a sneeze and a fart and you move the fuck on. My daughter had it for two days. It disappeared in fucking four. She was sick for two days.

It's time to get on with your life. And it starts motherfucking today on Monday. I'm ready. I'm psyched. My balls are washed. I'm ready. A dick slap of motherfucker. And that's it.

And that's that. It's Monday the 13th. I'll be back Wednesday the 15th. Have a great fucking week. We started off with a great fucking podcast, some motivation, and everything starts today, motherfucking. That's it. Stay black and now word from our motherfucking sponsor, Jack.

All right, I want to thank you motherfuckers for watching or listening to the joint this week. I had a good time talking to your member. It all starts with fucking continuity and nothing happens on the couch. The joint is brought to you by best spoke post. Listen, shake up your summer routine with best spoke post and their new box of awesome collections. Listen, I love the knife. It's fucking huge. I'm dying to stab somebody.

Any glasses and the one that they sent me a fucking tremendous best spoke post partners with small businesses to bring you the most unique stuff every month. I like their scotch box with the hot sauce is from all around the country. That's pretty nice. You get some wings, eat some fucking scorched box. Anyway, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com and help you pick out the right box for you. You only pay a fraction of what these boxes are worth. The center of everything in the box is from a small up and coming brand. It's a surprise box, guys, and it won't let you down.

You have a great time opening. You open it with your family. Like I said, I got a knife. I got whiskey glasses and a one hitter. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com. Again, that's boxofawesome.com. Enter code Joey at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com.co.joey to get 20% off your first box of awesome.

So go to boxofawesome.com.co.joey. The joint is also brought to you by Blue Chew. We do boop. Listen, if you're looking to sling dick, Blue Chew is going to help you. What does Blue Chew do for you? It helps you with your erectile dysfunction, whether it's light like mines or it's heavy like mine or light like a 28 year old. You know, when you're 28, you drink. You got a little problem, but that ends today with Blue Chew.

I'm going to get you hooked up for the summer. Sling dick with confidence. Never had that dick again. Her eyes are going to be like the inside of a fucking slot machine. They're going to be spitting and shit when you get through with them. Blue Chew will help you sling dick. The process is simple. Sign up at BlueChew.com.

Talk to one of the licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription in days. Nobody knows dick. You understand me? No doctor's office. No pharmacy. The mailman walks around fucking retarded anyway. Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA.

It ships right to your door in a discreet package and nobody can tell. So you could benefit from extra confidence. I don't know. Is your dick a fucking missile or does it look like a little art bark like mine? You be the fucking judge. If you could benefit, Blue Chew has a special deal for you. Try Blue Chew for free. Use promo code Joey at checkout.

Did you hear I said free cocksuckers? That's right. Free. Just pay five dollars for shipping. That's a deal and a half. You're going to be fucking patting the hair on your dick. That's BlueChew.com. Promo code Joey to receive your first month free.

Visit BlueChew.com for details and important safety information. I want to thank Boxer Awesome and Blue Chew for sponsoring the joint. I want to thank you motherfuckers for watching and listening. Have a great week. Stay black and I'll be back Wednesday morning ready to sling dick with my Blue Chew.