Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #175 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 8, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Steve Simeone for the second remote recording of the Church. This podcast is brought to you by: Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 05/07/2014.

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And for naturebox.com, let me tell you something, let's get through it, let's cut through the chase. When you're stoned, naturebox.com is for you, all right? Last night I dug into a box of fucking Southwest peanut mix with whatever chips who you can trust in me. Naturebox.com, the order one time, the first time get 50% off.

That's how we roll here in the church. And also to my Cuban boys up there at naileditlife.com. If you're into vapor pens, these motherfuckers are pushing a different world, okay? If you're into goomy beds, they'll push into a different fucking planet. Why? I have no idea. That's just how it works out.

Thank you for listening. Good morning. Welcome to the church. Today, May 8th, no, May 7th, 2014, direct to you coming live from Marie E.T.C. We got the office ready. The camera's up already ago. But who wants to be cooped up inside

like a fucking prisoner of war, you understand me? So why not do some coffee, hit the vapor pen and sit outside and get some fresh air here today. Today our special guest is Steve Simone. What's happening, Steve? What's up, Uncle Joey? You know what I'm doing.

And my main man, Lee Syad is here. How you doing, buddy? I'm good. You're feeling good, you're relaxed. Everything's good. Yeah, I haven't smoked vapor for a while. And how are you feeling? You stoned?

A little bit. Did you get stoned with the vapor pen? No. You sure? He wanted to give you a pot cookie and talk to you about the devil. I wouldn't let him do it. You know what I'm saying?

I wouldn't let him do it. My knicker at gum and a black coffee. I'm good to go. I know how high Joey is by how long he talks to me at night. Cause usually it's 30 seconds. How you doing? See, tomorrow, 6 a.m.

We talked for like 15 minutes last night about the weirdest stuff. But he's like, should I save this half a pot cookie for Steve Simone? And when he gets all high, we'll talk to him about the devil. No way. So why not?

Steve needs to talk about the devil every once in a while. Just to let him know. Dude, I listen to Black Sabbath every once in a while just to put a good scare on me. What do you listen to? I love all that. I love, well,

I love the first albums with Ozzy. But then the, what's the black, the one with Dio is not that bad. Heaven and Hell is not a bad album. It's not a bad album. I didn't like it when it first came out though. You really want to scare yourself.

When I first came out, I didn't want to fucking like it. But then Dio won me over. Heaven and Hell is great. There's like three songs on the album is good. Then something happened. I want to see them. Okay.

I want to see them at the spectrum in Philadelphia. Get out of here. In the city of Brother of Love with, who was with them? The guy who ended up singing for Van Halen. Gary Chiron? No. Oh, Sammy Hagar.

Sammy Hagar on Shakin' Street. They were fucking terrible. People were spitting on them. They were spitting on their fingers and flinging them up. That's how they spit at you in Philadelphia. They got the technique. Look at that fucking muffler. You know what?

Jesus Christ. I love. This is tremendous. I love this city. I know you do. You were driving this other girl crazy. She was all embarrassed and shit. Lee loves yoga pants.

So they were spit on Sammy Hagar and Kelly? And then spitting on them. And you know who else was there? Montrose. No, I got the concerts confused. But anyway, it don't fucking matter. My point is my point. We told him, oh, Black Sabbath.

You know what? I'm used to scare the shit out of me when I was young. What's that? Master reality. Oh, yeah. First time I bought Master reality, I bought it right after my mother died. It was kind of scary.

I was 16. My head was fucked up. And I put it on one night. And once I heard like into the void, there's some stuff on it that you wouldn't allow. There's the one song you would turn off. Would you like to see the Pope at the end of the road? Do you think he's a fool?

Have I seen it? But listen to the lyrics. Oh, it's brilliant. He talks about the truth. And I've changed my ways. I hope you're prepared when you're lonely and scared at the end of your days. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The only way to God above is through love. Dude, they were on to some shit. They knew. He was deep. He was doomed. Because one of the days after an endable, I went home and I clicked on one of the videos you posted on Twitter.

And I don't remember what song it was. It might not have even been Black Sabbath. But I just turned it off halfway through. I was having a panic. Doc, you got anxiety during 24. What type of half a fag are you? What the fuck is wrong? How do you get anxiety during 24?

I didn't turn it on because I was deep in the endable. And I was like, all right, if Jack Bauer starts murdering somebody, the tense music starts happening. That's hysterical. So I recorded it. I was too nervous. Get it together, cocksucker. Please tell me that's a shirt.

Pretty soon, pretty soon. We're going to buy that shirt. The year of the savage, all that shit. We're putting on it. We saw something today. It was hysterical. Listen, listen, let's talk about this again. If everybody had a camera on them and a microphone,

it would be very interesting what your real thoughts would be. Yeah. You know, it's very. Your first thought that comes into your mind. So today, you know, it's like, the other night I told the joke on stage, not really a joke. I said, when you see me walking down the street,

you don't go look at this pleasant person walking at us. He looks so positive. You go, look at this fat spick coming at us, right? It's like a fucking monster coming at you. And I know this drop, but as long as you know this going in, it makes like fees. You know, only in California, you know, you got people who want to ride a bicycle.

And I'm OK with that. But tell me once in a while, you got these fucking Gentiles that want to be better, but they feel like a unicycle. Oh, yeah, they need the extra attention with the fucking. They need the extra attention. The extra attention. So when you like, I bite 26 miles, like, oh, no, I unicycle 82.9 fucking miles.

And I'm supposed to give a Frenchman's fuck, right? OK. So today, right? You're supposed to make believe at the farmer's market, like I give a fuck. So me and Lee are making the left turns. And we see this fucking guy early in the morning, right? We see this guy early in the morning, cutting us off.

And the first night comes to my mind. You'll never see a fucking moolly on one of these things with Alvin. You'll never see a black dude or a Mexican. No. Oh my god. You'll never see a nigga on a unicycle. That's never going to happen.

And I don't mean to insult nobody, but this is that's the first night comes to your mind. You'll never see a fucking Japanese guy on a moolly cycle going down the street, making believe. It's always some goofy fucking white guy. So true. You know, Mexicans, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, you're never going to see him on a unicycle

with a fucking Puerto Rican flag cutting you off on the right hand lane. That's never going to fucking happen. Dominican flags flapping. Never. That's so true. You know, this is the truth. That's the beauty about the fucking church.

We drop knowledge how it is, even though it's a Wednesday. Who gives a fuck? You better put this podcast up to the people waiting for Lee. OK. Look at Lee. He's got a fucking thing in his ear, like an FBI agent. I don't even know if I can talk about it. He just made me nervous.

So good. We were talking about a very interesting thing this morning. And it really doesn't matter what field you're in, because everybody can relate to this. I hosted an open mic last night at John Lovett's. And it had been years. The last time I hosted an open mic was at my days at the store, which really helped me become

a comic. It made me a well-rounded comic. You were the first guy to get me on stage at the comedy store, almost an open mic. I don't fuck around. If I liked it, I knew what to credit. I knew what it meant to have that on you. When you're a boy scout, if you suck a dick,

they give you a bend. If you light a fire, they give you a thing. Everything's got a different badge. If you tie a rope, you get a badge. When you do the comedy store, whether you're doing it one year or eight years, when you walk out of there, I mean, you just walk out of there, you just performed in heaven. You just performed.

Listen, the improv is one thing. The laugh factory is another. I know when I walked into this town, me personally, if I was to get on stage at the comedy store, that's more than I ever expected of this. Wow. Seriously. That's when you're coming up, when you're

going to those open mics in different cities, and a comic looks at you and he goes, yeah, I've been to the comedy store. Your heart stops. Yeah, it's true. You're under him. He's got you. No matter how good you do that night, you think, good kid.

I'll see you at the comedy store some night. That's how they really treat you. It's different how poorly sure is T in LA and how poorly sure is T when you bump into him in Minneapolis. People change completely. I'm just making it poorly sure. I'm not saying anything bad about him. But the open mic is where it all starts.

Go ahead, buddy. No, so just, I mean, it's very interesting. People who might not know, it's like, so anyone can do an open mic, right? Like anyone off the street can do three minutes. All right, most clubs offer one night a month, one night a week. You're signed up.

Listen, it's based on whether they know you or not. You know, they're trying to also make an interesting show. There's always politics involved. But there's always a sixth look at this fucking savage. There's a look like Jessica Simpson before she fucked Bono, whatever his name is. Romo, whatever his fucking name is, Bono, I don't know. Romo Bono, you know me.

There's always some way you could go and they put you up on stage. And it's never gonna be, you know, when you read Judy Carter's book and when, yeah, I was playing with the baby. Just, she was touching shit in the bathroom. The bathroom door was open. I was just chasing her and I was thinking about

the illusion you have about standing up calmly. Lee has always said to me, Joey, I really wanna shoot something about you doing a tour or about you getting ready to do a special. And I never agreed with Lee till the other day while I was playing with Mercy because it's true. People really have to know

that it's just not about going up on stage one day and they happen to be there with cameras and it's the best set of your life. All right, it's on HBO. You know, first time you saw Stand Up Lee, how old were you, who did you see? I mean, it doesn't matter. You don't know.

You could be honest with it. One of the first ones, probably the first one I remember is I bought, and I went to the mall with my babysitter. I went to Strawberries and I bought the VHS of Bill Cosby himself. Wow. And I must have watched it eight times.

What made you buy that? Why? I probably recognized him from the Bill Cosby show. If I had to guess. And I've always liked comedies, but that was probably my first Stand Up. But then I had Robin Williams on Broadway, I think. Live at the Met.

You're live at the Met and then I had my mom like me. Maybe that's not true. It's either Bill Cosby or my mom, I think had one of Jerry Seinfeld's ones where he puts the jokes in the coffin or whatever. I think I watched that a couple of times. But fucking yeah, I loved it. But the one that had the most impact

was the Bill Cosby one, because my dad and I would drive around and we would do the Libyps on the floor, the dentist. And then the other one was John Pinnett, I say nay nay. My family and I, we brought that DVD around to other families. And I can't remember laughing harder. We laughed so hard that he had a joke

about going to a Chinese buffet and the guy kicking him out saying, it's all you can eat but not forever and a fucking horrible Chinese accent. And we still laugh about it today. Everybody does. Yeah. And it's terrible that he just passed away,

but yeah, probably Bill Cosby himself and John Pinnett, I say nay nay. What about you? The first time you saw it was on television, was on a DVD. I don't remember my life without it. Like I remember being three years old and my parents dropping me and my brothers off.

I was three. They dropped us off at my grandmother's house so they could go see Richard Pryor at the Latin Casino. And I remember being three years old going, I wish I was with them. Like I always remember what stand, I always knew what it was for some reason because everybody's house had a different vibe.

There were people that you knew you had to take your shoes off when they went to your house. There was always the family that were good at sports. There was always the people that like, they always had a business. My family was always the family that was laughing. And I don't remember my life without stand-up. Now was it on TV back then?

Yes. Yeah, I remember being a little kid, Mike Douglas. There was afternoon talk shows where you could see stand-up comedians. I mean, I'm two, three, four years old. And I'd watch stand-ups on there. I remember watching David Brenner on that. I remember.

But the first special I remember vividly was Eddie Murphy Delirious. Me too. Eddie Murphy Delirious and that was the greatest thing I've ever seen. Just mind boggling. Who was that? 83.

82, 83, 84. It was something that, because I can't lie to you people. I don't remember the first time I physically. Exactly. I think it was like Richard Brenner on Catch a Rising Star. I used to have a show when I was a kid, but I'm not gonna tell you exactly what comedian.

It wasn't until I heard Richard Pryor with my ears. I heard the album. And then, but the first guy that really took me a wind was Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy, everybody's a lot really young to remember, but he came out with that 48 hours in trading places. It was three comedy masterpieces. And you could say what you want about him,

transvestites, he dresses up now, whatever. Life is a great movie. Harlem Knights is a great movie. He's done some great things to film, but it's amazing what people take when they see a special or comic. They're like, oh my God, you just get on stage one night.

Yeah, you think. You don't work on it. And to, yeah, to think of what really. All the years behind it. Like I used to think comedians. Hold on one second. Fuckin' the Malaysia flights over is finally. They found it.

They found it. It's the studio city. It's terrible. Fuckin' helicopter makes all that noise. You wanna see helicopters? Yeah. It's really amazing the work that goes into it. And it starts at an open mic.

And last night I got the chance to host one that had been years and we take things for granted in our lives. Now, why did you, I can't, if I've known you for three years, if I imagined someone calling you and saying, will you come home to an open mic on Tuesday and you have to drive late at night on Tuesday,

I would have been a million dollars. You would have said no. Well, Leah, we take this shit for granted once in a while. We forget. We get busy in our lives. I'm not a kid no more. Listen, when you get out of rehab, they tell you to do 90 days in a row of meetings.

When I moved to LA, I did three night years in a row of every night. There was no nights off. There was tied. First off, I was driven by the addiction. I had to go out and get the blow. So to get the blow, you gotta go on stage and party

and talk to people and have a drink at the store and mingle and so. But the work ethic was always there. I'm 51. The energy goes down. I have a daughter. I have a podcast we do together twice a week. You know, you go on the road

so you forget the little things. But my God, the impact. Like at first, I was apprehensive. I think I felt the six o'clock last night. You think I wanted to take a shower and leave the house at seven, fuck them dirty, get on Lancashire and go to Universal City?

Yeah, I would have never got one. I would have been a million dollars. I walked up there. My set was shit, but I didn't have no pressure on me. There was maybe 16 people in the audience. I tried different things. And then after like the first or second person, I remembered what my job was.

And it was to fucking get them going. And I just went into the Joe E.D.s mode. Oh, that must have been beautiful. No, it was just, it's great to do that on an open mic. To just let loose and not care and push the envelope. So what does that mean? To get the audience going or the comments?

Yeah, as a host, to get everybody going. And I saw, you know, Adam Hunter was very funny. He was very funny. He said a few jokes that had me going. There was a couple, there was a couple of girls, old Mary, she has a podcast, Mary Kennedy from Boston. There was a girl that was pregnant

that went up on stage and spoke about giving hand jobs, okay? Now, where are you gonna see that? A pregnant chick on stage giving hand jobs. That's where the concept comes from, open mic and train rack. You know, I was telling Lee that most people like to see the Indianapolis 500. Look at that driver, it was cut.

Some people want to see a fucking car going into a wall. If not jackass, wouldn't have been on 18 seasons and they still making fucking movies. People like seeing train rides. Well, the same thing happens with comedy. But, and this is where Steve Simone's gonna come in. It's not people to the bad comics or people to the learning. You see a lot of emotional train rides.

And that's where the sadness comes in. That's where the sadness comes in for about three minutes because no matter how bad these people are, this is their life every week. They don't want to go to Hollywood. They don't want to be in movies. They just want to be able to go up every week. They don't bring nobody to come see them.

They're probably an accountant. They work in a cubicle. You ever go to karaoke? No, but I don't go to karaoke. It's really a blast because people like you and me go and they just want to sing Led Zeppelin. Do you sing karaoke? I would go and have, if us three got high.

And we go up to a bar and put, you'd be surprised. Steve Simone is probably one of the best karaoke people I've ever seen in my life. He'll drop raps on you from 1980. He'll go up there and do Curtis Blow. Basketball, they're playing basketball. You would not believe what it means to go up there and sing a song beside your shower.

I've always been way too self-conscious to go up there. Oh my God. If you're, listen, if you want to get on stage and you don't have the balls to draw a comedy, go to karaoke. What do you think? I'm just gonna laugh at you. When you go to a karaoke place,

you see something that you've never seen in your life unless you go to open mic to understand it. You'll see the person who's striving to be a professional singer. You'll see people who are singers. You'll see people who have three children, have a husband, have a great home. They're secure in their life,

but they want it to be a singer. But life threw obstacles at them. But this one Tuesday, every month, they get dressed up, they got a babysitter leave, they put money away, they invite their friends out, and it's huge to them. It's huge to them. And when you see those people,

you want to give them a hug because they bring back the simplicity of what we're doing. They're doing this for free. We're going out there to try to be somebody. They're doing this because they know what a fuck they stand. And then you know the people who go out there that are two days away from shooting somebody. You see those at the store?

That's 100% true. You know, the reason why we don't know more about it is because I guarantee that somebody said, I'm going to shoot a fucking bingo all. But I'm going to go, I'm going to do my bucket list and then come back to this town. They come out here to California. You think I'm kidding you, though,

probably go to the commie store. We've seen them at the commie store. They leave the bow and arrow in the car. All right, they go into the store. They do three minutes to get back in the car. They go to whatever town they're from. They do that last check list on the paper, you know, and then they go back and shoot up whatever,

but we don't know. Is that crazy? Yeah. Oh my God. They're that crazy. So you went up there last night and after like the third or second person, you got really into it?

I started having a great time. It took me back to Seattle. What was your last open mic you did? Probably the commie store in 2004. I hosted 2005. I used to host on Sunday nights. So it's been almost 10 years? You know, I probably done them in between.

Like I go to flappers, we go to the ha ha. But an open mic is different. When you slate, open mic. Open mic is this completely different thing that you go, what? Okay. I saw an open mic once in New York that had Felicia Michaels, Dave Chappelle,

Jay Moore, Nick DiPallo. You know, this is 1994 at the comedy whatever in Fort Street in Manhattan on the West side. You know, it was when Robin Hood, Men in Tights was out. Okay. And all these people with Nick DiPallo was there. He was probably doing stand-up six or seven years at that time.

He was like, ah, he was 10 years ago. You know, he was young. Felicia was young. Jay Moore was a kid, you know? And then I used to go to open mics in Houston where it was eight to two. Mark Babbit created a monster because he had eight or nine strong features.

And their job was to every week outdo each other. Wow. When you have that... That's like a shark tank. Everybody's making everybody better. When you have that late nine people trying to outdo each other. Lee, I'm talking to you.

I'm listening. You that high in the vapors, cocksuckers? Yeah. When you're that high, when you're that high, when you have that type of, and these guys are friends, these guys hang out together, they snore, they coke together, they drank together, but there was this inner rivalry between nine comics.

And then the headliner in town would stay. So Mitch Hedberg would stay. Wow. Because it was a night of just partying with everybody. There was no pressure. All those jokes you wanted to try, you tried. So it developed this cult following. And every Monday, people knew.

Two dollar beers. That sounds awesome. Two dollars to get in. Nobody's looking to get rich. But you're going up to the do, work on you. And when you have to get on a plane and go to LAX and fly into a town and get on stage, that's one thing.

They pay you on Sunday. But when you do this on a Monday, like what you said, you never expect me to do it. That's where your real love for comedy comes in. What makes a comic do that? You still do them? You're out how many nights a week? Six nights a week, probably.

When you call home and they ask you, you still do comedy, Steve, you go, yeah, and every night, yeah, you're making money. I'm doing, okay, why are you doing it for? Right? You know, why are you doing, why are you going out every night for? Why?

I don't even know sometimes. That's really the truth. I don't know. I mean, to me, it's just home now. It's just that feeling. You get to see your buddies, you hang out, go out and you connect with an audience. You feel like, I know it just makes you feel like,

it makes me feel like me. Does that make any sense? No, it's just, it's just amazing how I saw all the different levels last night. It took me back because I saw all the different levels. I saw a guy that went up there what I thought was a fucking organ, but it was some voice machine, you know?

And he didn't do well, you know? And really, nobody did well, except Adam Hunter, or maybe two other guys, but it was amazing towards the end. I would talk to them. I'd say, what's your name? Or that Jason, whatever, where you're from, Seattle. You know this guy?

Yeah, I know that guy, all right. This guy's all right. That's cool. And the guy before him was bombing. I saw a kid up there that I did comedy with 15 years ago. He came in and he gave me a hug. He's still in the struggle. And I told Lee about this last night on the phone.

Very interesting that he came up to me and he was trying to say, listen now, my credits are, comics unleashed and some other show, Airwolf or something, you know? And I looked at him and I said, okay, and I have to give him the respect to his credits and their what he wants. But then he came up to me and he got bumped.

And he came up to me again and he goes, hey, you know, my credits, right? And I go, comics unleashed and whatever. And I told Lee that right there, I knew that the guy hadn't grown because when you become a comic, you don't even give him credit, you know? Because I've seen guys that go up there

with a long list of credits and die a lonely fucking debt. It's just a slow fucking debt. And I've seen guys that go up there that got no credits and have sizzled the room that the fucking microphone cord is on fire as they walk out. So I know because of the way he sold his credits to me, that he wanted to let me know, hey, by the way, I was on comics on Lee's, which when you and me guys,

I would never even let people know I was on that show. The night my show episode would air, I would try to blow up the fucking TV station so nobody would see the goddamn thing. Comics on Lee's, get the fuck out of here. I sit down and they lead you into a bit. So tell us about you and Fly. I'm on a studio in NBC on the afternoon.

I'm gonna talk about Fly on Wednesday. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's the anti-podcast. Oh my God. It's the anti-podcast. It's so contrived. And you're having a hotel room and you're stuck on it like a one in the morning because one of your friends

is on. Coming up next. Coming up next. And they'll show like, you know, I want to be the president. And they say, oh shit, it's a fucking nightmare. It's worse than Morning Radio. It really is. So if you're a comic and you ever get comics on Lee's,

don't tell nobody. Keep it to yourself. Don't even put on your fucking resume because you're being shot. Anyway, that's what really got me. You see the people who wrote jokes. I see the people who work in an office and they're trying to bust loose.

And they're talented. But they're still on that little phase where they invite their friends from work. Yeah, they need that like, safety net. They need that shit. That shit drives me fucking crazy. I saw people who were very confident, you know. I saw guys that went up there and fucked around.

It reminded me a lot of me. Yeah. And the back of their mind, the comics liked you. So you went up there and fucked around and thought it was cute and got nowhere. It just gave me a bird's-eye view of 16 fucking comics and the different things you're going through at that point in your life as a comedian.

Yeah, you know what it reminds me of as you're telling me this story? You remember in Rocky III, when Apollo brings Rocky back to his gym, and he goes, you had that look when you fought me, the eye of the tiger. And there's something about being around that young comedian energy. That's the other thing.

It makes you go, OK. It makes me count my blessings. Because I remember I used to have anxiety sometimes before open mics because it meant so much to me. Like when I was a young comic, I felt like if I bombed, I didn't realize that was part of it. It's a guarantee to bomb at most open mics. But I used to put this pressure on myself.

Or if I didn't kill it, it meant I was wasting my life instead of learning. Where I'd go, you know what? Maybe I should just fucking move back to Philly and sell bananas off the back of a truck. Like maybe I'm kidding myself. I'm talking about how bad it felt to bomb at an open mic. People, good parking here, all right.

I love it. I love it. We were talking about how you felt. It was everything. Like I last night, obviously, I went home. I made some coffee. I hit the vapor pen. I ate the other half of the fucking cookie.

I woke up fucking high this morning. I had to do like a shower, a cup of coffee, a few jumping jacks. I had a stretched dog. It was fucking mine. I was horrible. But I was thinking about my struggle. Because that's what it went back to.

I was thinking about, and then the frustration you had to go through. People have no idea that involved in all that. There's a frustration. Oh, yeah. Even if you have money, even if you're making money in your job, because you want your dream to move faster. Once you've tried it, the problem with comedy,

it's like everything else. I go to Jiu-Jitsu, and because I got into Jiu-Jitsu at the age of 50, I get it that no matter how many times I go a week, and no matter how many jumping jacks I do, it's time. If I want to be a black belt, I could probably be a black belt in five fucking years. But who's got the time?

That's five nights a week. I've got to go down there. And I've got to do jumping jacks and shit at 51. I know that whether I put five years in or 15 years in, it's a journey. It's a journey. And I was telling Steve, at the end of the day, they're going to come to you and go, Steve,

what's your greatest memory of comedy? It was opening up for Sinatra in the garden. That was a great memory. But what you're going to take with you is the journey when me, you, and Lee picked each other up with a centra with no air conditioning, and with two CDs, Def Leppard, High and Dry, and Kiss Live again, and we'd have to drive eight hours.

And you'd have $11, you'd have $15, and I'd have $8. But I was the headline. I got the whole Tyrone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So all three of us, you understand me? You don't know what that's like. And at the end of the night, all three of us are sitting in the whole Tyrone.

I bond, Steve killed, you drove, you did 10 minute guess set, you did great. But we're sitting in the whole Tyrone eating pizza from pizza, pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah, little seeds. There's five bucks. And let me tell you something. At that point in your life, you're like Elvis.

It's the best thing ever. You're Elvis. You did it. What I'm telling you to move your feet because they smell or go in the shower and get your feet away from the pizza glee. You remember that for the rest of your life. You'll go, Jesus Christ, that's what you think of.

When you receive that Oscar for the best supporting role, you're not going to think about the set and how the acting coach came over. No. You're going to fucking walk off there and go, Jesus Christ, that night, when me and Lee chipped in for a pizza, and they sent ranch dressing with breadsticks. They're going to fucking kill me.

I was really going to kill Lee. But Lee gave me that joke about the hooker. Lee gave me that tag. You know, a little friendship tag that made this night show put me on. Yep. You understand me, bro? That's the shit you remember.

At least that's what I think. I agree. I remember one night. It was a Tuesday night in the middle of the summer. It was me, Ari, Renizizi, maybe Ramos, Jason Lucas. We're all hanging out at the store like 10, 11, 12 years ago. And that's when Dice was hanging out all the time. And somebody was complaining or whatever.

We're all door guys. And I remember Dice looking at us, and he goes, if you're not having fun now, get out. He goes, because this is as good as it is. He goes, these are the best years of your career. He goes, trust me, you're going to look back after you make it, and there's going to be all this pressure on you. And you're going to go, when I was getting started,

that's when it was at its best. Well, what keeps you guys going? Because if you bomb every week at the one spot you get, what makes you like, how do you stick with it for 10 years? There's a psychology to stay with it. And it's that, eventually, you start seeing every day as a battle. Every day as a battle. Sunday, I went to the open mat at Jiu-Jitsu.

I went to the one o'clock open row at Jiu-Jitsu. And as much as I didn't want to go, it was the Lord's Day. I had my wife at the house with the baby. I have six days a week to do whatever the fuck I want. That's the day I got to go pick and roll around with men. I went, and I had a good day at Jiu-Jitsu. I'm planning on going to Jiu-Jitsu tonight. I guarantee tonight I get my ass kicked, I can't breathe,

I'll hurt my toe. After a while, comedy teaches you a certain patience, that, you know what, I bombed tonight, but that was tonight. That's it, I'm going to go home. I'm going to make a salami sandwich with one piece of bread. I got some iced tea, and I got $3. I'll wake up, I got $3, I'll eat the salami, and I got three channels, I'll watch Letterman.

I mean, you learn to survive. And you know that you're going to wake up, and tomorrow night, you're going to do the seven o'clock at the haha, the 830 at the Club Lugini, and then you got 1130 at the store, and you're going to have a better night. Yeah. Wow, I mean, maybe that's why I'm not, but it's like,

I don't know, I don't know if I had to go through the same thing with podcasting or with editing. I don't know if I would have that sort of mentality, especially when you're like, I could go work at State Farm and make $60,000 a year. I mean, it must not be for everyone, you must have seen how many people have you seen come and go. But it's not about, listen, man, you go to college,

you make this, you have this dream to go to college, and all of a sudden, you end up in this fucking office, and you wear a bow tie, and you got to answer, and they give you paperwork every day, and you have office rules, you can't rehearse, you can't throw garbage on the floor. And now, one day, you're 30, you've been in the workforce for five fucking years,

and every weekend, you end up at the comedy store, or you end up at Club Babalu for Spanish music, or you end up at the Roxy for heavy metal, okay? You've been smart, you put 10,000, you're 401K, you put some money away, you got a new car, you got that, you know, man, that's gotta be frustrating. So one day you start thinking about your dream. Yep.

One day you start thinking about your dream. Maybe it's not the arts, maybe it's drawing pictures, maybe it's Lee and you have this dream, and at first you don't tell nobody. Right. Because God forbid somebody laugh at your giggle at you, but you pursue it, man, you get involved, yeah? And that's it, and you have this dream.

And then all of a sudden, that dream becomes a belief. Yep, once you get some type of affirmation, you win a contest, you come in third. Yep. You know, you send your book in for a book contest, and they put your name on the webpage. Yeah. And now you have this certain belief,

and you don't tell, you know, maybe you tell your family, maybe you tell your, just a dream and a belief. It's such a fucking close. It's amazing. It really is amazing. It's amazing how that affirmation can come. Like it could just be somebody, like for me, I remember sitting in a cubicle

and somebody once looking at me going, you know what, you should do comedy. And then the bell goes off and I'm going, I thought that too. It's just how we can encourage everybody along the process, along the path. Because there's nothing worse than that feeling when you're a young guy and you're going,

there's gotta be more to life than this. It's a fucking nightmare, man. Oh, I mean, I just went through it, but then. What would you do right now if you were still doing what you were doing a year ago? Tell me the truth, with no podcast. Honestly, if we hadn't met, I would have left after my first lease was up, I think.

I was so unhappy at my first job, and they were nice to me. They kept me on, because for TV shows, they end during a break from this show as the summer. I was pretending to not be on the internet all day, and then when she had stuff for me to do, I had to take a kitchen knife and a glue gun and scrape old labels off of camera boxes

that didn't need to be done or build furniture. I was paying, I was losing money every month to pay student loans with a college degree, scraping labels off of a thing in the break room and told not to look. The doctor from Scrubs, the mean guy, whatever, Dr. Cox, came in one day to do voiceover. My boss looked at me and said,

don't look at them and don't look at me in the eye. Dear God. I had to do this every day. So I wouldn't, if we hadn't started doing the Mad Flavor Bowl videos, I would have been gone after the first year. It really is weird when you are young and you get into this job that you had your dream set on.

And all of a sudden this job becomes fucking boring. It doesn't become boring. It becomes like a dead end. And you're looking at it for what it is that at the age of 30, after you've worked five years and you've paid your student loans, you still got another 25 years of fucking work before you see an end to this.

Yeah, that's a terrible feeling. And now you're engaged and she has dreams. And the cradle and the silver spoon. But you know, man, I have, like that chick that was pregnant last night that went on stage at eight months. At eight months, my wife was on the fucking couch, purple, going, I can't wait for this fucking kid

to come out of me, you know? So to see a woman, little things like that, to see people really trying, to see people looking at notes and scratching them when they got off stage. I saw the people that went up to that. You know, it was just very fucking, I had a great day yesterday, all together.

That's awesome. I had a epiphany yesterday. I had to run around, I had to go to the knee doctor. I had to do the MRI on my knee now, the 19th. Something happened yesterday, guys, that fucked me up. Fucked me up, man. So I got back to the house. My wife, I can see she was fidgety.

I go, do me a favor. If you gotta run an errand, run an errand. Let me take Mercy. Mercy's gonna nap anyway, you know? Let me take her, we'll watch this, she'll nap with me. My wife was not to do a 10 minutes Mercy fucking dropped. Wally Kazan comes on at one, that's it. I put it down, I know I got two hours to burn.

So at first I went on the computer and I messed around. I said, you know what, I don't want to sit on the computer. Let me sit close so I can hear her. So I went to the living room and I put the TV on. And I started scrolling down the TV. And guys, this was just fucked up. Thief was on. One of my old times.

James Kahn. James Kahn, Tuesday Well, Wally Nelson, Jim Belushi. Just a masterpiece of a film. And it's on, he's at the beach with his wife. They just broke the biggest safe of their life. And now it's time to collect. And he goes back to the guy's house and he walks in. What's happening, Perla?

What's happening? You ever see this, Lee? No. And he walks in and they give him an envelope, a huge, middle envelope. And everybody's giggling and he looks at it. And you see his face go from laughter to this solid look. And he goes through it and he goes, what's this?

And the guy goes, that's your rent from the heist. And he goes, I count 80, 90,000. I'm supposed to pick up 900,000. Where's my money? And he goes, we put it in with the Davenport in Iowa. More than he goes, I don't know if you understand me. I'm fucking done. I'm out.

Today's paid day, you know? And they're like goofing with him and he, and then anyway, I'm watching all this and he goes back to the house and they kill Jim Belushi. He goes to see Jim Belushi after that situation. And they take him and they kill Jim Belushi in front of him and they throw him in a tub of acid. And while he's laying in his back, they tell him, you know,

listen, we gave you your wife, your kid. We own your house. We own the paper on your life. We'll have your wife out in the street getting fucked in the ass by niggers and Puerto Ricans. I mean, they just traumatized James Cahn. James Cahn, again, they go get up, go get cleaned up and get ready to go to work for me.

You're going to work till you die, go to prison or you're burnt out. And he gets up and he goes back and he wakes up Tuesday well. He gives us $600,000 and he throws her out with his kid and he gets fucking two guns. He puts on a bulletproof vest and he goes to work. And he goes to the guy's house. He breaks in and shoots the fucking bodyguard.

He shoots the crime boss. He shoots Dennis Farina. He gets shot. He goes outside. It is just a fucking tremendous film. When he walks out of that house, just every aspect is involved, love, decisiveness. When he comes out and he shoots Farina,

it's a Michael Mann film, 1981. Nobody knows this. You could tell by the lights. There's a lot of lighting in the movie. There's a beautiful used car lock. He takes the gun, he shoots the guy and he takes the clip. That had never been done.

Miami Vice did that years ago. That was all fucking Michael Mann. Nobody had done that. Nobody had ever fucking took a gun. And then he puts another clip in there. That's why Crockett used the alligator. Fucking compartment with two compartments because that was always his key.

He always reloaded his gun on television. Nobody had ever done that. You're going Joey, what the fuck are you going with this? I'm gonna tell you where I'm going with this. In 1981, I was a kid that was lost. I was very vulnerable. You ever see a Harry Christmas? Yeah.

And you go, how did that fucking happen? Well, this is how this happened. You're vulnerable, you're young, you're lost. I'm watching TV one night. The raging bull is on. October of 81, the lineup on HBO was very bleak. It wasn't HBO Latino, HBO comedy, HBO one, two, three. There was HBO.

That's it. And they had six movies. They didn't have original programming then. They just did movies. One of the movies they had constantly was the raging bull and thief in Hollywood nights. I've discussed this a thousand times. So every night I was in high school, I was lost.

I was living with the runnies. I was doing drugs. You know, I was, at that time, I was stealing, I was a chump thief. I was stealing plywood from construction sites. I was making a living doing that shit, which was still $1,000 a week when you're 16. But I was just a chump.

I was breaking into construction sites, different things like that, businesses, nothing heavy. And then I saw the thief. I saw the lingo. And these are all the things that I wanted to see. It's like the first time I saw the dice special. I was angry for three days because in my heart, dice had robbed everything that he was saying from me.

Everything James Kahn was saying in those words in that movie had gone into my head. I was convinced after three months, that's who I wanted to be. That lifestyle is shooting and getting shot and having friends. Brother, let me tell you something. I sat there last night yesterday and cried.

I cried in that chair for probably 10 minutes because that's how sad of a condition I was in. It made me realize where I'd come and what had happened to me, a movie. So like let's say it was 1881 and you were sitting down watching that and somehow someone told you in 2014, you'd be sitting with your year and a half old baby

in the next room and your wife's at Target getting groceries. And you would be a national touring comedian. Like what would you have done? Not even close. I would've laughed at you and said, you're so far wrong. I'm gonna end up deadly at this guy. And that's what I wanted. But here's the difference.

It wasn't a fantasy, that's what I wanted at that time. I wanted to be a high-line fucking thief, high-line. You know, I remember trying to rob a jewelry store. I robbed a jewelry store, but I robbed at old school. I ran out with a piece. That's not, that's a thief. Let me tell you some guys. You know, I don't know if you guys know this

or if Steve Simone knows this or if Lee knows the magnitude of this, but I'll say this. There's times I'm walking around Lee's house or my own house and I get flashbacks of being a thief. The lowest thing you could be in your life is a thief. And that's what I became. Because I became a thief that wanted to people's homes.

Do you understand me? You people at home understand? I was one of those people who crawled into your fucking window and I actually took your VCR and I actually took your change and I actually took your gold and then I took cash if there was there. I didn't do it because I wanted to.

I did it because I was serving an apprenticeship in my mind. Then I went on to people with gold and cocaine. Then I didn't like that anymore. I only robbed VCRs twice. You know, it was the first time I was across the street from where I live with the runnies. We robbed the house like three or four times. We robbed the house so many times

the guy had to have it lasered. Like in 1982, the guy was a record executive. He had to get the house lasered, like with the lines like the pink paint with the aerosol. Because we kept, I figured out a way how to get into his house. You know, people when people talk about turnarounds, I realized it yesterday.

People always tell me on emails, I turned my life around and I giggle. I didn't realize it till yesterday. I didn't turn my life around. I turned my mind around. I didn't turn my life around. It made me thank that open mic a lot more last night. Do you understand why my day yesterday was an epiphany?

Because I felt bad when I left the house about that movie, about what I really wanted out of this fucking beautiful life. Yeah. Lee, this is what I wanted. You might've been stuck. You might've been not been happy. But you didn't want what I wanted at that time.

So what happened that you're not, that you didn't become a full-fledged thief? I have no idea. It's the grace of God. I hate to interject that, but that's what it is. I wanted to go to jail. I mean, the guy's story was simple. You know that poster behind me at the office

with all the mixings? Yeah. If you look at the thief, if you watch the thief in his wallet, that's what he had. He had done that in prison, and it was gonna be his life. And he showed bodies being dead. He showed children. He showed money, a wife, and a life.

But he always knew that that possibility would always be there because he always knew what he was. He was a fucking thief. There's a powerful scene in that movie also. See, I got a lot of bad things from that movie, but I also got a lot of good things from that movie. I also learned to tell the truth from that movie because it's a line where he goes to Willie Nelson in jail.

He goes to visit him, and he goes, hey man, I met this woman, and she doesn't know what I do. Should I tell her what I do? And he looks at him, Willie Nelson, never acted in his life till this movie. It is brilliant. He looks at him, he goes, lie to no one. If there's somebody close to you,

you're gonna ruin it with a lie. And after that, now who the fuck are they? You gotta lie to them, oh my God. It just, it just, it just, it just. What would you do to sniff her ass, holy? Huh? That's right, that's right. What would you do if I went over there

and offered her half a yard and said, Lee just wants to sniff your ass all one time? That woman had legs that were taller than me. I know, tremendous. We're here at the coffee shop, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry to interject, but sometimes you gotta improvise, you gotta go off the cuff, you know what I'm saying? This ain't all about ha ha's and he,

he's, there's nothing structured here. But it's very sad, Lee. Lee, I'm fucking sad again from thinking that that's what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to carry a gun, I wanted to be a thief. And I didn't wanna keep robbing people. Right. Like I only robbed that level of thief like twice.

And then I moved on to businesses and drug dealers. But still, when I got into drug dealers, I still walked into their home, which two years later, I never realized how much of a human violation that is. You know, when I leave my room, sometimes I look in my room and I go, I can't imagine somebody coming in my room,

going through my shit, looking for money or drugs. And I was a neat burglar. I wouldn't mess things up like in the movies. I want you to come home and not even know somebody was in there. I knew where everything was to the inch. I'm that much of a professional. I'm not proud of it, but that's sometimes

God gives you weird gifts, man. So in any one you wanted to be a thief, what gear did you no longer want that to be your life? What you want and what you are is two different things. Wow. I didn't wanna be a thief, but I actually thought that's all I would amount to. Okay.

That's why I had a belief system that actually thought that that's all that I would amount to. So when you have that, so in a way, you know, I don't know it was me doing my confirmation at 31. I don't know if it was, I think that comedy saved my life. And last night being at that open mic made me realize that no matter how bad those times were,

when I was at that open mic, deep down inside, today I know how good the times they were. So if you're a comic and you're in an open mic and you and your wife are breaking up or you're losing your job, you know, man, you're not gonna know the outcome unless you stick it the fuck out.

That's a persistence. It really all came through for me last night. You know, What a blessing. It really was. I felt bad when I left. I didn't even tell my wife this about the thief because I didn't think she'd understand.

I didn't think she'd understand, but I know that I get a lot of emails from people and they talk about, you know, they need to change or they wanna change. And yesterday I realized that I didn't change my life. I had to change my mind. So. It all starts with belief.

Yeah. And now I think I still am a thief, but I'm like a comedy type thief. Like I use this to promote comedy or I don't steal jokes. You know, I'm just saying that it's, you learn so many fucking things, man. You really do. Oh, that's crazy.

It's amazing what hope can do for somebody. You know, it's like you feel trapped and then somehow, someone you get a little bit of hope and that's what changes your beliefs, you know? I remember being 95, 94 and having 30 minutes or what I thought was 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like thinking, when is this a nice show gonna call, you know, and being frustrated, like going to work. Like I worked at National Rent-A-Car for a while. I had a good friend that loved me, a white dude. I forget what his name was and he just believed in me. So he would give me money to pass off flies. He was a personal trainer and he'd give me money and he was a manager at National Rent-A-Car.

So the guy used to give me cars on the cuff. He'd go go to work today, bring the car back Friday by six a.m. He'd dope the mileage out for me. So he made sure I had a car. And he took care of you. He took care of me as long as I came in on time, washed the cars, swept a lot.

I did all that stuff for him. And it was just a blessing along the way. I remember having to ride my bike there at 630 going, oh, fuck, I would leave the bike there and steal a car and bring it back the next day. And I had to split the job with another guy. There was another college student there. So I got 20 hours and he got 20 hours.

I think I got like $160. You know how happy I was to go pick up those $160? I used to be fucking starving. I had a, there was a restaurant. The kids got busted for getting steroids sent to them from Germany. Hysterical.

But they owned a sub shop in Boulder. It was for kids. And the place was popular. They had great food. Like it was great for Boulder. It was real food. But they actually deep fried chicken cutlets with the vein in it.

Like you bite into it and it'd be a vein of chicken cutlet. But they claimed the fame was that one day during the lunch crowd, two of the guys got into a tremendous fist fight. The deli zone in Boulder. It was owned by four guys. Jake Isle. I forget the other three guys,

but one guy was a chubby guy that lifted weights and got steroids sent to him from Germany for the sandwich shop. That was in the paper. But nothing made more racket that when two guys got into a fist fight during lunchtime behind the counter. Throw down.

Fucking blazers went down. Soup sauces went down. They had to call time out. Everybody had to leave. The cops came. Fucking brilliant. And after that, the place would be packed every day. That was like a commercial for them?

It was like a commercial for them. One guy ended up in the hospital with three stitches. The city of Boulder wanted to press assault. So all this talk in the paper got them so much free publicity. You couldn't even get a sandwich, no. That's hysterical. The fucking deli zone.

That's hysterical. These are all the things you remember. You too. You used to always have a place around here. He used to have a pizza place by the counter. Always. Yeah, I've worked at like. That's where three pizza places out here.

At the counter store. He knows how to eat, he knows. That's it. I knew if I had a job. If you have flour and three slices a day, I'm good to go. After that, and all the diet, Coke, you can drink on ice cubes.

It's true. And then what they were, the place down the street from the store used to let me bring home all the pies. And I knew I wasn't the only one starving. So even if I didn't, I didn't get a spot at this store for eight years that wasn't open mic.

But it was still my home base. So what I would do is I would leave the pizza place and then I'd have like four or five cold old pizzas. I'd throw them in the oven and feed everybody at the store. And I felt like Santa Claus. Coming back, coming by the comedy store with pizza. I was everybody's best friend.

Let me ask you something. Both of you guys, fuck nuts. Was there ever a movie that fucked you up a little bit that? I was trying to think about that after you told the thief. Do you have one, Steve? I don't know. Nothing that just fit what your realm was. Like when I watched Man on Fire

and I watched that character, it scares me because I could have done that. I could have put a grenade on somebody's ass and watched them die for the right reasons. You understand me? Once you know that going in, when I watch those type of movies, it's not a fantasy for me.

I know that not to that extent, but I know there's people out there think that way. When some people watch it, they get disturbed because they can't believe, it's like last week with the Donald Sterling. I can't believe he would make those remarks. Why would it shock you? That's how 60% of people are.

If your first thought really, if everybody know your first thought every time you did something, they'd be fucking dead. Horrified, yeah. The same thing happens with movies or whatever. I didn't know that movie impacted me that much till yesterday. I did not know that.

I mean, listen, easy money. Fuck my world up. Love that movie. Because I knew I had a shot. I knew I had a shot. I wasn't Eddie Murphy and I wasn't Andrew Dice Clay and I wasn't Jerry Lewis and I wasn't Sinatra. But when I first saw Rodney Dangerfield and Joe Pesci,

I knew I had a shot. I knew that there was no Wikipedia. I didn't need to know Wikipedia when I saw that, when I saw Rodney Dangerfield. I have that biography on my DVR where he was a fucking salesman and kept writing jokes. But I knew the struggle he went through and I knew if he could do it, a guy that looked like that,

I knew, you know, when I seen Joe Pesci with that wig and easy money, I knew I would be an extra. You know what, I might not ever get to be in a movie. But I know that if I fucking, I'm walking by a set and they see me and they're doing a pizza parlor, they might put me to fucking there, you know? Right.

Yeah, I don't think I have one. I mean, I love, I have a whole bunch of movies that I loved, but I can't think of one that's like, impacted me that much. What's your favorite movie? It's a hard, it used to be Man on Fire. I don't have an answer to that. Now you're a very nice person.

You would never think of revenge. Why this man, why'd you like Man on Fire? Denzel, it came, I don't know if it came out. I was in high school, me and my best friend would watch it every week. And it's just, it was before Denzel got typecast into the older guy teaching the young guy and he was shooting.

But I just loved, I loved actually, I loved directing and editing in that movie, just the style, like every director kind of has a style and I forget his name, his brother just passed away, couple, what's the name of the guy who directed it? Scott? Yeah. That was really, did that one?

I think so, but just the way, the slow motions and the fast motions, but just, there's no one more badass than Denzel in that movie. It was great. At least for me, cause like, I get made fun of, but it just, I was young, so I hadn't seen the Godfather yet. I'll tell you what movie if you like those type of movies,

it's a slow movie, but at the end, I want you to think about it and that's Death Wish. Charles Bronson in Death Wish is a, you never saw it? You saw me some, is it the one where he boxes? No, no, no. That's hard times. This one, he becomes a vigilante in New York because somebody rapes his wife and kills his daughter

the other way around. And he goes to Arizona for an architectural trip and Arizona weapons illegal. So he starts shooting and then the guy puts a gun in his suitcase on the way home and he says, fucking, I'm going to start walking the streets, shoot motherfuckers and it's such a strong, let me tell you some Death Wish two and all that shit.

That just became something that was just dumb. But the fucking first Death Wish is our generation's man on fire. Like that was my generation's man on fire, which set, you know, it's really weird how we have Vin Diesel now, right? Yeah. You know, I had him, I had Clint Eastwood, you know,

I remember if you really want to have a great afternoon, if you ever have 10 hours, fuck sports and football, you have 10 hours that you could just turn off the phone and you could get a tray of pasta, pork fried rice, three joints, cigarettes, a cigar, lemonade. Egg rolls. Egg rolls and just put them on your feet. And you watch like the good, the bad and the ugly,

a few dollars more and a fistful of dollars, your mind will blow up. You will really take a different appreciation for film, especially in that bad guy genre. If you really have time, you know, once upon a time and I'm not once upon a time in America, that's the one I referred to you about the Jews. I'm talking about the other one,

once upon a time in the West is also a great movie. There's a lot of those great movies, but they're just long-winded, you know. I liked that genre film that Man on Fire. I thought Man on Fire was brilliant. It was great. I really did. I liked the casting.

I can't believe this is turning into a movie podcast, but who gives a... Where's Ricky Ramos? Where's Ricky Ramos? But no, no, it was just amazing how sometimes people say that Hollywood or film doesn't impact you by watching it. It really does.

I didn't know that I was that vulnerable at that age. So next time you see a fucking Harry Christian jumping around and he's 18, maybe... That's the Harry Christian. Yeah, that's why, that's why. Yeah, people get lost. You're looking for something. And I realized how lost I was

that I wanted to be a fucking Spangasi, whatever the fuck he was in that movie, but he was a thief in his attitude. But it also should, but I'll tell you what it did show me, that movie. This was the one quality I stuck to it. In closing, it taught me to be very decisive. In that movie, he had to make decisions.

And first of all, he went against his belief when he joined up with the guys. So the minute he knew he got fucked up, that's why I tell people, you know, you believe in something, you believe in something. I got a call last week for a Spanish audition. And I said, maybe I'll go in on Monday and then they attacked me.

Okay, but you, they sent, there was too much. And I called back and I go, you know what? I have a rule and I'm gonna stick to it. And the guy goes, why? And I explained to him. And two days later, he sent me an email and he goes, thank you for your honesty. And the casting director appreciated your honesty.

So my honesty prevailed. You understand me? I'd rather just go in there and waste that time and make believe I could do something I can't. Exactly. There's a scene in that when he comes home and he throws her out and she's talking to him.

She's like, what are you saying? Cause he wakes her up at four in the morning. The scene is, he's looking in the mirror and he's bleeding from his head and he takes a breath and he turns the water off and he takes a towel off and slams it down. He turns the line and he goes, wake up. And he starts walking, putting boxes of money

in front of him. And she goes, what's going on? He goes, you're going on a trip. Joseph will be driving you. At the end of the first month, you're going to pay him $20,000. At the end of the second month, you're going to pay him $20,000.

And he just becomes a machine. He got burnt. That's it. It's over. Now he knows what he needs to do. And this is his plan. And he ain't stopping. And it's in steps.

First I'm doing this. He was a precise killer. He knew exactly how it was going to go down. That's what I respected. That he was precise. That precision taught me to be a comic. It took this podcast where it needs to be the last three years.

Because it teaches you where you need to go. This is the things I need to do. When I came to this town, people were coming to this town and they'll say to you, hey, I'm Friday night. I'm having this party. You have a decision to make. You go to that party and then on Monday cry how nobody gives you love.

Or you could do that spot at the store. It takes a lot of discipline to do that. Yesterday I was home. The baby fell asleep. My wife came back from Gelsons. I already had my warm up clothes on, my gym clothes on. She goes, where are you going? I'm going to the gym.

She goes, why are you going to the gym? The doctor said your knee, I know. But I still gotta take care of it. I went down at the 20 minutes. I walked for 35 minutes. Then I went out and hit the bag. I did that fucking epileptical for 30 minutes. I'm 51.

I went over and I did it. I stuck to it. When he threw that woman out, these are all decisions. When he cut something off, he cut it off clean. I stopped doing dope seven years ago. Stopped doing the blow. I don't dabble in it. I don't fuck around with people.

That's what the word means. To decide means to cut off. Means to cut off. When I stop talking to somebody, I stop talking to somebody. When you have to do something, you do it. You do it and you get the fuck over with it. And that's what else that movie taught me with.

So I don't want you guys to say, Joey, you went to Fantasyland fucking, you wanted to shoot people and steal and all that shit. That's what I got to say. How about you? You know what I think to say? Cock sucker. I'm pretty high.

From the vape of hits. You sure you don't want to do a vape of him? Talking about Satan. I think God knows. No. Satan and what he means to the church? No. Let me give some shout outs to these cock suckers here.

To Ted Snape, I love you. Joey Rookland, looking good, you sexy bitch. Jerry Varela and Jessica Nye, I love you people. I also want to talk about my fucking tremendous sponsors on it. Yesterday, I went over to the fucking Y and I took the Shroom Tech Sport. Again, 35 minutes on the Epileptical.

And between me and you, because of my laziness and because of my time schedule, I could have probably done another 15 minutes. So the Shroom Tech Sport works along with all their other products. If you have any questions or any, go to honet.com. Better yet, go to joeydeers.net. Go to the Honet box if you want to order something.

Get 10% off and get on the list. Get discounts. Get on the Stay Honet program. Do something with your fucking life. Why would the Germans come over and fuck in the ass? You know what I'm saying? Go to honet.com. Go to the Honet box and press CH, U-R-C-H.

Get 10% off your first order. And then we take care of you, you understand me? If you don't like the alpha brain, send it to fuck back. But I guarantee you, you're gonna get that alpha brain. You're gonna fucking be doing jumping jacks. You're gonna stick to your fucking plan. And that's what it means to be an alpha and to have a brain.

Stick into your plan, cock sucker. Beside that Dollar Shave Club, keep an America fucking shaving. Why walk around looking like Fidel Castro? Be a fucking American. Represent, cock sucker. Shave, be nice. Shave your nutsack.

Shave your muffler. They got one-wipe Charlies. They smell like peppermint. Why have your asshole smell like an asshole when it can smell like a peppermint stick? You understand me? That's right, see? They also have the Shave Butter.

I think she does. Dollar Shave Club is a tremendous fucking deal. I'm saving you tons of geeters. And that's what it's all about at the end of the year. It's saving you fucking geeters. G-E-E-T-U-S. That's what geeters means. Cash, you cock sucker.

So for $1 a month, I'll send you four fucking blades with two fucking blades on them and the stick and your Shave. And every month, at the beginning of the month, you get four fucking more blades. What do you get? Two blades.

You get four blades with two fucking blades on them. No, you get the single blade for a dollar. If you wanna get two blades, that's gonna cost you six bucks. If you wanna get the two blades with the Allo Strip, that's $9 a month. We send you one blade a week. Who's better than Dollar Shave Club?

Let's say, you know, Joey, I don't grow that much beard. I shave my back once a month. Okay, then do this. Tell us and we'll send the razor-seed on a delayed reaction. See, it's like I hit a bad ass acid. You get them for every two weeks and you spread it out. But it's $6 a month, $9 a month, or a dollar a month.

You can't go wrong. If you go with the $6 plan, that's $72 a year, correct? That's correct. That's $72 a year, $72 a year. You take care of your face and that includes shipping and it comes right to your fucking door. You don't have to wait for this fucking truck driver to drop it off or you don't have to go to a pharmacy.

You don't have to go to liquor store and put it on the arm and pay for it with WIC. Who needs an aggravation? Then the WIC people find that you're not spending on milk and cheese, but you're buying razors. You understand me? Dollar Shave Club. Also, like I told you in the beginning of the show,

naturebox.com, all I could do with these people is say they get better and better and better. They've got great deals. They got a summer clearance. They got select snacks. They got an 800 number. They got a spring fucking sale. Go over there.

They'll take care of you. It's just a great bargain. If you go to joeydeers.net and go to the naturebox.com box and press in, you get 10% or you get 50% off your first order. 50 fucking percent, 50 fucking percent. Even Jews are flocking to that fucking order with those numbers. You understand me?

50% after that, you order what you want. They got tremendous pistachios. They got tremendous sesame seed sticks. They got a black and white granola. I fucking finished mine. I gotta order more. I got one bag of that stuff left. That's how much I go through.

I don't fuck around, people. It's a nice little stack. It's nutritionless to prove and you can't fucking lose. Go to naturebox.com. Go look at their page. Go see what they got to offer. Then go to joeydeers.net. They got a naturebox.com, press in Joey.

Joey, J-O-E-Y, and you get 50% off your first order. I'm telling you what, you're gonna send me an email. Go Joey, when I see you, I'm gonna suck your dick from the energy I got from the snacks. I'm all energetics from the pistachios and shit. And the Dollar Shave Club code is church. And the Dollar Shave Club is church. Also, I wanna give a shout out to my Cuban brothers,

Nailed It Life, Inventing Vapor Pens, Selling Goomy Bears. Go to naileditlife.com. Take a look at their vapor pens. Order it, mention Joey Dears. You get 10% off. The pens are a half, 20% off. That means the pens are 50, you get them for 40. You're saying, Joey, how can you do this?

This is how I do this. I know people, so I get your deal on shaving, I get your deal on snacks, and I get your deal on vapors so you can snort, reef, and do whatever the fuck you do. Also, on honest, you can take care of yourself. That's kinda uncle I am. Most uncles wanna finger bang you when it's dark. Or take you to the movies, not me.

Not me, I wanna take care of you, I want you to be healthy. Most uncles. There's nobody around me, you know what I'm saying? Your people are looking at me, there's a cop behind me and making me all fucking nervous. I wanna talk to you about something that's real interesting.

What's interesting? I was thinking about this thief thing yesterday, and I always thought about this. So in 1985, I go to Boulder, steep some more, and you're quiet today. I'm listening, I'm learning. I think I'm trying man, you know what I'm saying? All right, well, I don't wanna be rude.

I like to listen. Henry, what's the matter? You don't talk too much. I'm listening, I'm listening. I'm listening. You're like that fucking dude. He sits there and I cheat on my wife. What the fuck?

It's much funnier in a town. These two fucking beauties coming at us. I was waiting for these two fucking beauties. For like five minutes, I'm like, where is he gonna stay some more? Look at this, look. Where's the fucking bazooka right there? What do you mean?

If I had a grenade right now. It's a sin. It's a sin there, right? If you had a grenade right now, how many seconds would it take you before you close down in this group? That's just terrible. You would fucking back,

but look at this little girl right here. This little cutie, look at you. She's a fucking savage. Look at that. That's trouble right there. That skinny little ankle's and shit. A little pussy smells like diet pastrami. It smells like pastrami like a little monkey.

You gotta see this girl. She's looking all businessy and shit. She's dying this sucker cock. I feel like another one over here thinks she's fucking Kennedy's wife after he got shot with the sunglasses and shit. Jackie O glasses. Yo, with glasses.

Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, in 85 guys, I'm living in Boulder. I think we made the girl move away from us. She wanted to sit in the sun. She had no choice. She had to go. Primo, como está? See, we're talking to the wait staff.

Everybody's in love here. Well, everybody primo. This is a good fucking coffee shop. Marie E.T. Marie E.T.C. on Riverside and Co-Fact. So this was a real pace. Why are you telling them to head the location of our secret lair?

Because we got new offers. I don't give a fuck. I'm here to ask those roots. You'll never find my new secret lair, my new back cave and shit. Back to the lab. We're getting a box of edible scent in there, Lee. Every time you walk in, it's like going to church

without confession. You're eating an edible. You understand me? You got to get that couch delivered soon. The couch is coming soon. Yeah, yeah. We're going to get you a couch. And you tell you don't look at the flat screen TV.

You're going to figure out how to connect it into the board so we can show videos. And no more fucking around, Lee. You're slipping. I've been telling you about this for three weeks. You go to Boston. You're on the hammock lab. You should have seen it.

He was taking pictures in Boston last week. He said, the country club with mom spending hundreds. They don't let Jews go to country clubs. Fucking guys. No, that's even the issue. You're at the Jew country club. You got to have fucking money. I forgot you from the fucking Connecticut Syats.

This motherfucker is part of the Connecticut Syats. The Connecticut Syats. Yeah, they got Connecticut Syats. But the Boston ones, they're still worth $100 million. The Connecticut Syats are worth billions. They're like fucking Donald Sterling. The little Lee Syats, these motherfuckers, they're worth $100 million.

He walks around with his little fucked up t-shirt. If I was worth $100 million, you would never see me again, never. You would be in that bedroom. You would take shits in a cup, I guarantee. Wipe your ass. Why would I do it in a cup? Because you're a filthy fuck.

You don't want to move. If you were that rich, if you had $100 million, I guarantee you'd have a black woman come over and wipe your ass. So one of those Haitian ones, they come over, they wipe your ass. They rub your feet. But I'll go to the bathroom talking about. Listen, I know you. You watch TV this way, right?

You watch TV on your side, on your right elbow. You would put a hole in the middle of the bed. So all you would have to do is lay back, open your thighs, let the dumpster ring a bell. She'd come in with a mask on and the odorizer in a glove. Wipe your asshole with one of those things from Dollar Shave Club. So open the basket. And then she'd have a rope under your basket,

like the guy in Santa Land. And she'd pull the rope out. And there'd be a little turds with a toilet paper. And then she'd walk into the thing. And she'd come back. And then she'd ask you, how is that, Mr. Sineath? And you'd look at it and go, tremendous. Now bring me a knife.

Just sitting in the bed, just ringing a bell. If you worked $100 million, would he only go outside? You don't want to go outside now and you've got $50 million in the bed. Who shoots outside? I don't have a bathroom. You wouldn't. I wouldn't have a bathroom. But you wouldn't even go.

Yes, I wouldn't. Lee, I know you. I am lazy. I would never shit in my bed. I'm not on the bed in the light next to an animal. I'm talking about a little hole in the bed. You just spin down like this. Yeah, but there's no way.

And you just throw your arm back, like this, like that. That little hunk of meat will take you. You just sit there, and you have like a string you pull, like ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding. She comes in, yes, Mr. Lee. OK, two things. First of all, if you're shitting in your bed, I don't care how big the hole is. You're going to get some on the bed. Second of all, where are you going to fucking sleep if there's a hole in your bed now?

You're going to have a king, king, king, king-sized bed. You're going to roll. OK. You're just going to roll over. Roll over, roll over. You're going to shit and then you're going to roll right back to your neutral position, Lee. First of all, if I had $100 million, I would pay them to develop a pill to make me 125 pounds of pure muscle.

And then I would never... Lee, get it together, all right? Shitting in a fucker. That's the most disgusting thing you've ever done to me. I know you, Lee. Lee, I know you. I'm offended. What do you mean offended?

I'm going to shit and then... You wouldn't move. She'd come and wipe your ass. She'd rub your feet with a warm towel, rub your veins to get the circulation going. You go, ah, like you do now, ah, and then they bring you a subway sandwich and you sit there. And knowing you, you would have them cut it for you and feed it to you and wipe the sides of your lip, because I knew if I had 100 mil, that's what I would do. You know what I'm saying?

I wouldn't even use my hands no more, fuck it. If I would have a sushi chef on premises, I would have a chef subway. I go there because it's cheap. I know. If you had 100 million, you'd be cheaper than what you are now. No, I'm not. I would not even get you out of the house. I would walk around with them 100,000 and $100 bills and I would just count it all day.

Fucksucker. She didn't meant bed. Stop it. I know you. Stop it. You're trying to fight it. You're going to think about it and go, Joey knows me. On the way home, he's going to go, fucking Joey knows me.

Why wouldn't I at least have a little scooter if I didn't want to walk? Here comes your girlfriend. Interview this chick. Ask her if you were out. Look at the one with the bad head. Look at her. Look at her. She's eating.

You know what her fucking asshole smells like? She's got an egg salad on a fucking Weeper. That'll fucking catch an ant. And the other one's got a banana. Fucking Gentiles. Anyway, I was telling the story about Boulder. So, you know, I was 22. I thought I had the world by the balls.

I knew I had the world by the balls, but I was a fucking pig. I had this little money, man. I got, and I was worse than Lee. I wasn't going to part with it. I had this 18 grand Lee. I looked at that check. It was like 18, 8, 36. The only thing that was getting spent was 8, 36.

That 18, you had to kill me for me to go into that 18. I took that 8, 36, and I fucking moved to Boulder. I scanned and I took the 18,000 and I put it in a fucking bank account. And I'm like, I'm not touching it. And I lived off the 8, 36. I hustled. I bought 20s and sold nickel bags to college kids. But that wore out.

And I said, fuck, I'm not going to break into the 18. And I started, I called a friend of mine in Jersey. I started using credit cards. And I went nuts. Wait, you had 18 and you still did illegal stuff? Oh, I was a piece of fucking garbage. At that time, I wasn't burglarizing homes, but I was just fucking, you know, doing the credit card scams.

I just went on a tour. I just destroyed New Jersey with these gas station ripoffs I had, where I would get a job under a different name and get like 2,000 cash, 3,000, then just leave in Jersey. You have to pump gas. You don't pump your own gas in Jersey or Oregon. So I would sit by a busy gas station. They tell me to dump every 1,000, every 1,000, you make a dump. I put like an envelope with $10 and after about three hours, I'd be out there hustling.

Jack Reign. Man, this guy works hard. Fuck you. I'm stealing. I'd be out there putting everybody $40 to fill up. You know, I'd stay out there fucking 30, 40, 50 fill ups. And also at one point I'd go, fuck, I got to go and have Georgie pick me up. He was my getaway driver.

Oh, yes. That's all in one day? I do. Yeah. I drive from town to town. So like today I go to Northridge, tomorrow I go to Thousand Oaks and every gas station that's open 24 hours is always looking for somebody from 12 to 8. Yeah.

Nobody wants to work that graveyard shift. So I'd walk in. Hey, you got a 12 to 8. I go to school. Yeah. We were just looking for one. Would you do 4 to 12 too? Oh, yeah.

When can you start? Maybe Friday. Can you start tonight? When you start tonight, we're not really buying up a double. Now you got them. Yeah. I'll come in at 4. Because you're doing them the favor now.

So you come in at 4. You come in at 4. It's prime time. Everybody's leaving at 4 o'clock. Home from work. Home from work. I would sit there till 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock. I would tell George that morning, George, stay by your house till I call you.

And once I went to work, I'd go, George, you're home. Yeah. There was no pages then. There was no... So I would call you and you'd come sit with the car. Once I saw your car, I would walk over, get in the car and leave. Nobody knew nothing. An hour later, where's Joey?

He went to the bathroom. That motherfucker. So back then, people wouldn't use... Because now, I never pay for gas or cash. No, it wasn't nobody. So just, it's all cash? It was 85% cash in the first place. Wow.

85% cash. And you would just go one day, boom. Three, four thousand. And I'd do that twice a week in different municipalities. There had to be a level of anxiety with living like that though, right? Like the people who were going to catch up with you? I liked it. That's why I liked comedy in the beginning.

Because it was a draw. It's no different than being a criminal. Every morning, I got to do something with my life. I got to justify my existence every fucking morning. So what's the difference, you know? How long, because for me as a Jew, if I got four grand in one day, I can make that last for a while. How long would that last?

In those days? Yeah. A day and a half. Oh my gosh. You figured I owed six or seven hundred. I had some guy carrying me all the time. Lee, give me two hundred till tomorrow. Joey, Jesus Christ, I just gave you two.

Lee, what the fuck? I owed you four and I gave you eight last time, right? You didn't cry then. Give me the fucking deuce. Yeah. Because when I made money, you made money. Give me the fucking two hundred. So this is why I don't want to hear this.

If not, I'd just give you two twenty like everybody else. I'm giving you four hundred. Give me the fucking five and shut up. Come on. And then I'd buy you lunch. What are you crying about? You know what I'm saying? And then that night I go rob a gas station.

That's how you live. That's the mentality. That's what people don't understand. There's no bottom. That's why you steal. You don't have time to have a job. How are we going to eat squid for lunch every day with sauce and much fucking general hospital if I'm not stealing?

You're making five fifty an hour over at Wendy's. Really? Really? What are you going to give me? A chicken fucking sandwich? Because in those days when we're friends, we live off each other. Yeah. So you work at Wendy's.

You got to bring home a chicken sandwich. Yeah. Two of them got suckered. God. I mean, when you say it like that, I mean, I remember working at CVS, started when I was sixteen, and my paychecks would be at most a hundred bucks a week. Yeah. Yeah.

After five or six weeks, you're like, you see a friend on the corner selling fucking marifa with girlfriends and taking them to the movies, and you're like, how long is this going to end? I'm over here listening to some fucking college funky that never did nothing with his life. You know what I'm saying? He's been working this his day one, and my friends on the corner selling fucking weed, making a hundred dollars a day. I'm making a hundred dollars every two fucking weeks.

Yeah. Yeah. Then you wonder why. Then you wonder why. But so I use these credit cards, guys, I took these five or six credit cards, and they were like rotating because I was very smart. I knew in those days, if you were under fifty dollars, you knew how to hit it. You were allowed to hit it.

I knew stores that would just ring them. I knew places that you go in and go like that, and then you tell the guy, listen, pick something. I'll get it for you and then make my connection. So before I'd make mine, I'd run yours. You understand me? Okay. Let me ask you this. Go ahead.

Saying that to me, I would be petrified that I'd go to the one guy who would immediately call the cops. How do you know what guy to say that to? You hear through the grapevine, people let themselves know, you're at a bar drinking, you're going to steal something. I got a credit card. Where are we going to go today? Bro, my boy is at the jewelry store.

Go down there, he'll run the car, tell you how much limit you got, you just got to give him a bracelet or something. Get him on the phone. Yeah. Boom, dog. My friend's going down there. Send him down. Boom.

I had a girl at Lord and Taylor and David those days. I'd call her up and go down there, she'd run the car for me. It's good. I'd pick out a pair of shoes for 400 and give me something, I can bring it back and you're going to give me cash. Your file says a thousand scams. So I'd go leave. I'm going to buy this cell phone for me for 400.

I'm going to come back and I'm going to give me 400 cash, I'm going to give you two cash. If I do that three times a week, that's six bills in your pocket, that's 2400 a month. Last time I checked, that's rent, bitches, blow, and that's how you get caught up in bad things. Yeah. Can someone do that? Can someone live like that and not get taken away and live a full, a career criminal? Here's the deal, you can live like that, but nobody's that intelligent.

Nobody's that intelligent. See, all you need is one guy that's bored to look at something and go, hmm, that's fucking weird. That's it. Now, or you make a mistake, you get high one night, you know, let me go get a beer with the liquor with the store. Boom, that's the night. You weren't fucking thinking, you would never buy fucking beer.

You would never make a bad decision like that. That's how you get busted when you make a bad decision. And thief, at the end, he was a thief on his own. Now he wanted to join forces with people. And he knew when I'm a thief and I'm a thief with him and he works with me and you work with me. It's a three-man operation. There's three people in the world that know what I do and how do I meet you doing time

and how do I meet you doing time? So we ain't going nowhere. Right. We're all fucking criminals here. All right. I'm going to pay you big. You don't say a fucking word. If I tell you at three in the morning to go shoot him, you go shoot him.

You're not the smartest guy in the world. You just want to fucking live your life, eat cookies and fuck cookers. There's people and that's all they want to do. Listen, what do you need a month? $6,000. I'm going to give you $10,000. I'm going to call you four in the morning for rides to airports. I'm going to call you at different fucking hours of the day, you know?

Wow. That's crazy. I mean, I can't even imagine living like that. Yeah, I could never live like that. You can't do it forever, but then you figure out how to do it. But what I didn't like is that you have to sit there. Now when I'm 50, if I'm anybody and if I have any intelligence, I know that the more spaghetti you throw against the wall, eventually it's going to stick.

Yeah. I mean, you have to think about what would have happened. What would Tony Soprano be today, seven years later? Well, you have four. Remember, all you need is one of your guys to get caught doing something. You can't control that. And that's what James Conn fought against. He didn't want to be part of an organization.

He wanted to do it for him. Plus, I got to share my money with you. So if I steal $3 million, I get a million dollars. I'm in there 15 fucking hours with a blow torch, 15 hours trying. You know how many things could happen in 15 fucking hours? How many cops could drive by and go, hmm, why is there flames up on the fucking floor? So this is why I knew that I couldn't do that anymore. But one of the cops that came to talk to me, like after three months, I was using these

credit cards and I got a job. But what happened was I got a job at the mall where I used the credit cards. There's only one big mall in Boulder in those days. So me, the genius gets a call from Foot Locker and I take the job and one day the cops are investigating the credit cards and one of the guys goes, the funny thing is, the guy that used the credit cards is now working over at Foot Locker. Oh no. So this cop kept coming up to me and he kept saying, listen, we know you used the cards.

First he came with another uniformed guy. Then he came the next day with another uniformed guy and he tried me to cop to it. Then he waited like two or three days and he came on a Sunday to the sneaker place. And he's like, we're real close to getting the receipts. You're going to get arrested on Tuesday or Wednesday. And then that Sunday I went home, I started packing and about 10 o'clock I got a knock on my door and it's him playing close. And he's like, listen, we can make this easy for you.

You can either fucking go with me right now and turn yourself in, be out in the morning or you can wait till the fucking warrant gets here. And I looked at him and I go, do me a favor. How many times are you going to come talk to me about this? Have you had anything? You wouldn't be here right now. Get the fuck out of here, you know? Get the fuck out of here.

And he says to me, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. And me and him don't really get along. I can tell that he's one of those dudes that don't like me. Well, I fucking leave for San Francisco. I move on with my life. Two years goes by. I move back to bold. I get a job with a car wash and one day I got a job selling cars and I decide I'm going

to kidnap some fucking dude. Jesus. Right? And I kidnap them. I get in trouble. Guess who would the lead detective was? Same guy. No way.

And I sat with this guy from October of 87 to August of 88 thinking, when is this guy going to realize I was the guy with the credit cards? What is he going to remember? He didn't put it up together? Never. I remember sitting next to him in court, like me being at this table with my attorney and him being at the other table with the DA and sitting there going, when is this guy going to look at me?

And we went through the whole case like this and he kept looking at me and I could tell that he would go, I know this guy, but he never fucking put it together. That was me until this day and I checked him out last night and he's still a cop, he's like a lead investigator now in Boulder, but how fucking funny is that guy? So always remember people, NCIC and CSI, they ain't shit. If the motherfucker got a bad memory, you got that motherfucker beat. And also remember, you'll never see a black guy in a tricycle. That's the podcast for today.

I want to thank Steve Simone for fucking joining us for coffee. This was amazing. This is a great little podcast. Yeah, this is crazy. This is crazy today. You got me thinking about life, Joey. Well, this is what we do. This in the sound of trucks and we got helicopters and we got the Malaysian flight and every

day is a different story. What's up with Lisa? That tall girl had maybe the nicest ass I've ever seen. Oh yeah, I know. Lead. That's why we do coffee with Uncle Joey, so you can fucking see chicks and sniff assholes and... She was wearing jeans.

I wish she was wearing yoga pants. What would you do to her, Lee? Would you let her fart in your face? I might let her fart in my face. See? I knew we got... I'm gonna go get some more coffee. You're gonna get some more coffee, Uncle Joey.

Yeah, more coffee. Hang on. That's a piece of coffee cake. We'll hit the vapor pen again. Okay. And we'll call it. I want to thank all the sponsors on it. Dollar Shave Club, NatureBox.com, Nailed It Life, EscapePodTank.com, Hulu Plus.

I love all you motherfuckers. Thank you for supporting us. And thank you for you guys. Don't forget me and Leo being in Austin, Texas. Oh shit. They're eating barbecue. We're doing a podcast. We're on it.

We're gonna have a good time. Lee's gonna stand on line for three hours and get barbecue for us. He's eating edibles every night while he's there. He's gonna eat 30 milligrams for breakfast. And then another 60 at 8 o'clock at night. They're gonna call him Tom Releasely. 60 bits. 60.

I ain't... Chinese. No one's giving me 60. Well, it's a time to start, motherfucker. And also remember we were in Santa Fe this Saturday night, May 10th. The shirts, mugs, and packs are still available at joeydears.net. Lee's shirts are still available where? LeeSide.com.

And he's still got the flying Jute T-shirts. So get them. Steve Simone, what do you got going on? Do these people come see you? My podcast, Good Times. I want them to check out. It's always a great podcast, doing great with the fucking numbers and the radiance. Here we go.

What else? You had your buddy. You had a... Your buddy who... You haven't talked to him like 20 years, honestly. Yeah, it was great. Who's that? Ken Kardashian's mother over there?

May 21st, I'm headlining the Braille Improv. Oh, shit. Tickets available now at improv.com. Click on the Braille and you'll see my friend Steve Simone, or as I'm referring to my nephew. Because I'm not even friends to these guys no more. I'm like a big uncle now to them. So if I'm their uncle, they're my fucking nephew. And that goes for all of you people at the house, all right?

At the church. Know what's happening now, and shit. Fuck, his uncles got bit. I didn't see that guy there. Get it together. Get it together. You're slipping, cocksucker. See, I'm saying, this is why I love these live podcasters.

People almost get bit by fucking dogs, and shit. He was waiting in there, too. He was waiting. That guy was a rapist in his previous life. Did you see him? He's giggling. He's giggling. You see his face?

He's like, did you guys see that? He liked us. Yeah, he liked us. He didn't like Mattassian's mother. I love all dogs. I was in a parking lot the other day, and this station wagon, I wasn't looking, I wasn't paying attention. I was a German shepherd that must have taken up the entire station wagon, and as soon as

it saw me, it took it back to Nazi Germany, and it started barking and baring its teeth, and I must have jumped eight feet in the air. Oh, my God. Well, I'm happy to not jump on eight feet in the air around me, all right? I almost did a little bit. Get it together. Everything all right, Lee? You're going to have a good weekend.

Yeah. Thank you for listening to this live, having coffee with Uncle Joey, Steve, Simone, and Lisa. We're going to keep bringing you these from a couple different locations. On Monday morning at 6 a.m., we're going to come to you live from the office. Stay black. Have a good fucking weekend, and we love you.