Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #177 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 14, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt rock it solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 05/14/2014.

This show is brought to you by DollarShaveClub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to DollarShaveClub.com slash church. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. This show is also sponsored by NatureBox.com where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks murder in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and french toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code joey. That's naturebox.com promo code joey. And this podcast has already started smoking from the Nailed It Life vapor pen. That's why I'm

so fucked up. They have the premier vapor pen on the market and can smoke oil and laks out of it. If you mention joey Diaz, you're going to save 20% What? Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Kick it. It's Wednesday. May 14th. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh shit. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. We love you long time. What? Hit it, Lee. Kick that motherfucker loudly. I don't want to hear you cough and kick that motherfucker. Kick it, Lee. What do you got on fucking death control? I'm looking at the levels but fine. That's what I'm saying. Kick that motherfucker.

Sit at home with my dick. I'm hard. What? Hit it, Lee. Wigglefunk or joey. There you go. May 14th. The day the devil was gang raped at sea at the beach. He went for a beer and looked what happened to him. That's why I mind your business. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Kick that, Lee. I'm going to fucking take your fingers and bite one of those fucking Vienna sausages you cocksucked at. Stop fucking around with the volume. Sorry we're late today, Lee. Slipping. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. If you have any doubts, it's over. Sometimes you wake up in the morning, you know, maybe it's not going to work out. I'm not going to go down there. My ass hurts. Fuck that shit. Strap a fucking tie on. Shine your nutsack and get down there.

You understand me? What's up with you, cocklicker? You're a really stoned. I had a vape. But what the fuck? It's a vape I gave you. Yeah, full of THC. And I got another one. I gave you the mild one. Now I got vitamin D. Vitamin D? Debt. That's what fucking vitamin D is. You understand me? Debt. Why fuck around in the morning? You got to go to work. You got to cut people off. You got shit to do. You know what I'm saying? You do got shit to do. What's happening, baby boy? How you feeling today? Feeling good. I love, I love getting haircut. I could tell. And you didn't get no mousse. I got no hair to put mousse in. No fucking mousse. You got to even know you got to fucking wish. If you're poor, they smell the mousse. They go, something's going on. I got

to look good. I got to grow some fucking hair. I wish, like, I wish it was possible with you, just to be like, like you're a, what's the person you click your heel three times and go somewhere. I want to have you appear places that I know will piss you off. I was waiting in line at supercuts for like 25 minutes. And this guy who was holding me up was like, he took his head, his fingers and was like, um, part of the hair on this part of the sideburn is too long and up here it's too short. So can you even it out? And I'm, I almost killed him. I almost said something. You ever have something in front of you on a line or something you want to stab him? You ever come to that point like you're like, are you fucking kidding me?

You know what happens to me at the post office? Oh yeah. Fucking post office. You want to, there's some guy in there two days ago, you want to look at stamps, fucking stamps. And he's like, well, you're an adult cocksucker, fucking stamps. What are you going to do? That's something you do for a year. Then you realize, fuck, I got a metal letter anyway. I'm going to sit here looking at fucking stamps. We'll need this shit. We'll need to picture a fucking butterfly. You know what I'm saying? That shit. What else? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive and ready for Austin, Texas tomorrow. I can't wait. You're going to listen right off the fucking jump. We're going to we're going to inhale you like a thousand milligrams of THC on the plane

ride. If anybody says hi to me, it's just I'm not going to please like say hi and I'm going to be so fucked up basically from what the entire day from the time I picked you up to get on the flight to that last flight home, that last flight home, you're going to be sitting in the Expedia section laying out and shit. People going to be breathing on your blown fucking air on your drinking water. Oh my God. Your face is going to be red. You're going to have Papadose, Papacitos, Mexican food leaking out of you. It's going to be all over. I can't wait to like my mom says, how was Austin? What you're fucking? Why didn't you even tell her for it? There's ain't no fucking tourist vacation. I never left the hotel room. This is the vacation of fucking

and we're going to go swimming. Okay. You got a little pool over there. We're going to do some exercising over there when we walk around. I'm going to take you into the beginning of basic training next week. You walk into Zach of debt. Zach's already got a plan for you. He's got you walking up mountains and shit. He's got a snake pit in three weeks. You're going to go in there and jump down and whatever the fuck went. Monday was an interesting podcast. We covered a lot of fucking subjects. You know, yes, I did some. I've been wanting to do for a long time and I pulled the my name is Earl and apologize to somebody that I did wrong 30 years ago. You know, sometimes and it took me a fucking while to do it. You know, I have one of his numbers, but his parents,

his mother lives in that house and I know that if his mother answered the phone when I call she'd have a heart attack. So I saw he was on Facebook yesterday morning and I wrote him a, you know, sometimes you write somebody a letter and you feel good as you're doing it. You know, as I was doing it, I was crying, you know, I was pissed off. I was a lot of things and I didn't know they were the family that first took me in when my mother died. And I just did a fucking bad job, you know, and between the drugs and confusion at that time, I didn't didn't pay attention to making it better. And the one guy, his name is Jimmy Bender, the father when I got along with really liked me. I told that story on as one of my role models,

you know, I've been thinking it was getting to the point where I was dreaming about it. You know, people say your conscience, you know, your conscience is a motherfucker people. Yeah. And it's not what you think it is. You know, it's like a slow fucking torture, you know, because you know, when you've done something wrong, you know, we're that old at that point, you know, you know, when you do something wrong, I look at my daughter, I have this little fucking Ottoman and she loves to climb on, you know. But before she climbs on it, she always takes a fucking look at me like, like I'm about to do something, you know, even as a child, we know we're doing something wrong. It's so weird

how I'm learning about myself from watching her. I'm learning about life from watching her, you know, I see a lot. Now I remember why my mother used to say things to me from watching her. I took it to Hawaii yesterday, my wife wanted to work out. So I go, you know what, let's go to Hawaii, you go work out, I'll throw in that little fucking pen of children that they have there, they have a little pen and the kids play and they watch them and have books in there and then she ran right in there. And she looked at me, she looked at the mother, she's like later. And she ran right in there, she played with some blocks and everything was cool and we left. And I thought she was fine. So I got on the bicycle just to loosen my knee up. And the lady

came and, you know, like this, she's crying and I went back and the lady goes, you know, dad's going to stay back here for five minutes. But if she cries again, we got to ask you to come back and I just turned around and she was like, dad, don't leave me. So I picked her up and it's so weird how you learn. Like she didn't like it. I know my wife on the other hand was making excuses for what was her first time. I know my daughter. She just didn't like it. She likes the one at the church. She runs into that one and like this was like really weird. Was it because you left her alone? No, I leave her alone at the church too. I leave her alone over there on Sundays too if I'm back.

But something, the lady, it was just too hard to watch. I could tell that the lady had eight kids. It was two women. But on the way out, the woman said something to me. She goes, hey, you have an active daughter. Like she don't fucking stop. She doesn't, you know. And when I was a kid, people always say to me, stay, sit fucking still. Like my mom used to yell, sit still, sit still. Now I got to pay. Karma is fucking horrible because you will always, they will always fucking hit you with that. Bro, karma has a funny way of hitting you with a bill, you know. Karma hits you with a bill at a fucked up time, you know. So as I was, you know, the other day I'm sitting with her and I go, Terry, watch this. I can't count the four. She won't go nowhere, but she just

fidgets. It's a fucking constant. You have like eight months left and it's gonna be. Yeah. She's a constant, you know, the chain. She licks it. She makes me lick it, fucking sits. And I can have a wallet, Kazama. And you know, every morning, when I get back now, my day just starts because when I get back, she's just waking up. So for me to let her mother get a break in the mornings, I got to sit with her. And I don't mind it at all. And I sit and watch phonics videos. I went out and got these videos and I downloaded them and it's her ABCs. It's the ABCs with the noises, you know. A is for Apple. Apple. B is for ball. And you sit there, but it's interesting because I'm learning shit. You know, I forgot about all this shit. Yeah, I don't know nothing about

this shit, you know. R is for reefer, reefer, reefer, you know, like the R they give her is bullshit. It's like, you know, rat, who gives a fuck about a rat? So unless you go to Peppa Pig's alphabet, that shit's cracking. B, B, ball, you know, it's, it's what an English accent, a bunch of people get together. It's fucking tremendous. But you know, as a child, when you do something fucking wrong, you know, I do, I have a very good time with it. You know, people complain about their kids being stupid. Listen, if your kid's stupid, it's because you didn't put the fucking working, you know what I'm saying? You got to start putting the work in early. I don't give a fuck. I mean, even when she was in the fucking stomach, I was talking to her about weird stuff, about

history. I didn't even know what I was talking about. George Washington and fucking black people. I can't wait to see like the first homework assignment you hope. It's hilarious because I get serious about the phonics thing and the fucking numbers. And then I got to throw a video for her and I know when she's not attentive. Yeah. First time she turns to look at the candle in my room or look at the fan or whatever. That's it. You got to switch your video. I need for her to be fucking on it, you know, but getting back to we do, we pay for all our sentence people and we pay for them through our children. It's fucking crazy. There's, I have a lot of worries about mercy because I did a lot of things when I was a

kid and I had a lot of fucking accents, you know, even with Lucy Snowbush, I tripped it by mistake. Oh, that happens. No, no, no, no. Listen, I know that the, that the kid things, things happen. I had a, I had a unique thing happen to me when I was about 14 with the girl with the bicycle. I would tell you about that. And that's one of my biggest fears. I used to date this girl, Nikki, and this seven to eight. She's the reason why I got left back. So this happened in the seventh grade. So I did the seventh grade left back and we broke up that summer. So I did left back for nothing. I got left back for a piece of fucking little dry humping pussy. And then I had to do the eighth grade,

but she was always one year ahead of me. But by the eighth grade, we were just friends. We were just friends, you know, and I would see her on Charles court, the street next to me. That's where the ice man's killer lived. Mr. Softy. Yeah. That street next to me. We show, we should want another vapor. You know, I'm pretty high. You ready for another one? Sure. What the fuck? But, uh, we was, uh, she was riding a bike. The story goes, the kid next to me, Valentin Farrell, was a bike thief. He lived on top of the Jehovah Witness, Cathy, whatever her name was, and he was a bicycle thief. But his main thing was he was a nerd and he liked taking bikes and rebuilding them. And that's how he'd get away with stealing all the bicycles. If you

stole a bicycle, you brought it to Valentin. Within two days, the bike was brand new. You didn't, you didn't even know it was your fucking bicycle. New numbers. He knew everything. He was a smart kid back then, even without the fucking, uh, but he, you know, he, uh, he didn't, he wasn't a stoner. He, sometimes he didn't tighten shit. Lee, you're right. Wake up. Come back, come back. Right now, you're at the line of McDonald's waiting for a fucking breakfast. I could tell in your eyes, you had that fucking Egg McMuffin look to you. And, um, and, uh, she was riding, uh, I took his bicycle. We were on the block. He lived right next door to me. And one day I was riding the bike and we used to trade a lot of bicycles and he gave me a 10 speed. You know, we had all those

different style bicycles with the banana seats and shit. This was the late 70s. And he gave me a bicycle that had a, it was a 10 speed and it had the weird steering wheel. Okay. We had to lean forward. We could lead forward. So as I went down my hill and I made the first left turn, I knew the steering on the bicycle was off. Sometimes when you make a turn, the tire goes, but the handlebar sits there and you're like, Oh fuck. But I just wanted to go play ball. So I rode the bike to Charles court by the time I made the left, I adjusted it and I, I wasn't going for no fucking, uh, you know, Cheryl Crow's old boyfriend type of bike ride. I wasn't doing no 30 miles. I wasn't even going to 10th. I was going around the corner to play and then I was

coming right home. Yeah. But I took the bike and I put it up by Jean Giacomo's lawn. I put it on the lawn. I left it there and we played our game. She, the girl in New York or Nikki came over and she was playing with us and she looked at the bike. I saw her look at the bike. She didn't say nothing. And she saw who was there and she picked up the bike to try to play with it. And if you know, Charles court, it's a circle and it goes downhill. It's a, it's a cul-de-sac. It's a big fucking hill. So she took the bike and started going, we're trying to tell her, Nikki, if you take the bike, it's cool, but the watch the steering. So she kept riding. I could see that was she was pushing the handlebars. The thing was already loose and we're yelling at New York or

Nikki and she goes around the block. So we run this way to catch her. Okay. And when we ran this way, she started going down the hill. She thought we were playing with her. She thought we were playing with her. So she turned and we came this way. She turned the steering, the steering didn't go. She went over the handlebars. She fell. She hit her head hard. There was no blood. We picked her up, brought her inside, got us some mice and she was back outside playing with us in 25 minutes. I did that bad, bad ones. Like we would, my mom would take us to like a baby parking launcher or tenant's courts and this was one up a hill. It was a big hill. We only went to this place once and I just started going down fast. I was like, I'm going fast. I didn't do the breaks

and then I couldn't stop it. Like my feet came off the pedals and I went into some thorn bushes and it hurt like a motherfucker. Did you cry? Probably. Yeah. I was young. With her that day, she flipped over and hit the floor and fell and we brought her home. She fucking came back out and played. There was no problem. It was just like Anthony Bazano. I went home, ate dinner, did whatever the fuck I did and the next morning when we got to school, they said that they rushed her to the hospital. She had a blood clot in her brain in the middle of the night and she was in critical condition. They were holding on to life for her and I always felt guilty about that because it was, it was my bicycle. She was okay, right? She was okay. I told the story

of the Joe Rogan thing. I hit the front of her head and she got big tits. It hit her in the head. This girl was like a virgin. It hit her on the head and she was never the same. She got crazy. They called her crazy Nikki after that. Really? My tits got really fucking big. She got really sexual and she would say shit to you and then years later we tried to hook up but it didn't work out and now she hates me, I guess. I mean, it's really weird because we were friends for a long time and about seven years ago I spoke to another friend of mine. She goes, I bumped into Nikki at the doctor's office. She ain't happy with you and I was like, I don't understand. We were friends for 20 fucking years and all of a sudden now, well, she thought about what happened and

she said that you went for the steering wheel and that's why she twisted. We all went for the fucking bicycle. We were stopping from getting hurt. She wanted to ride the bike and make a turn and try to evade us and I feel guilty because of that. So this day I have a lot of guilt because of that. She still thinks about it? That's crazy. You know, man, when you really don't have a lot going on, you think of the bad in your life. I never thought she thought about it but I thought it was, I've had a thousand kid accidents. When I was a kid, I had a thousand things happening because of other people. And there's a kid that I was lifting in my backyard one day and I told him to put fives on and he put 25s on without even fucking thinking. And when I went to pick up the

weight, I banged my head and I started believing I'm not mad at him. I'm not mad at him. I didn't look at the weight. I didn't look at the fucking weight. You follow me? So, but you think about things like that when things are going bad in your life. I mean, it happened 34. It happened 30 fucking years ago, 35 years ago. Yeah. You in? Oh, I don't think so. I mean, if I have to. You always have to leave. We're gentlemen here. You know, it's the morning. It's fucking eight in the morning. It's eight o'clock somewhere. And here we are doing our thing, vaporizing, saving our lungs. The flag will be here fucking Monday. Had an order a new American flag and pissed off people. These really flag is here though. Keep this fucking warm. But on Monday, the new flag

will be in the microphone will be in. I went to look at couches yesterday. We're gonna have a couch to do late night podcasts. We ain't fucking around here no more. We're never fucking around. But I worry about that karma. I worry about that karma because sometimes you have a thing called sins of your father. So I worry about that karma with my daughter. I worry about a lot of things. But I also have faith. I have faith at the same things that helped me. Did you take a vape? I just did. Do another one if you're looking weak. The same things that help. Whatever power helped me. Whatever power helped me growing up that looked over me. Because for a couple years, I put myself in a lot of bad predicaments. So the same power that looked over me, I hope looks over my daughter.

You know, I lucked out in a lot of ways. You know, there's a lot of guns getting pulled out and shoot like that. And I always got to make it out. I got to talking and you know, first of all, mercy is never going to be in that environment. And B, do you think karma, I've never even really thought about it, but do you think karma is an effect when you're a little kid because little kids don't know anything and they're all so bad? For me, I don't think karma exists until you know what you're doing is wrong. Karma exists. You just don't know it as a child. You don't know it. Karma exists. You know, listen, you kill a fly on a fucking wall next thing you know, you're riding your bicycle, you fall off, you scab your knee. But all kids are so terrible

that you think everything better be happening. Kids aren't terrible. It's just unknowledgeable. That's my point. There's a big difference. And no, I think karma starts in a lot of ways. I know it started for me, you know, things I did, things I thought I was getting away with, things I was sneaking. You know, karma, when I was 15, my mother died, I had a chance to move with karma in Balzano or the Bendis. The reason why I picked the Bendis was because of the leniency, the way they lived. There was no curfew. You know, you came and went. If I went with the Balzano's, I had to have a job after work. I had to be home at five after working on Fridays. The first place you went with your check was to Carmine. And he cast a check for you. He gave

you what was yours. He put $10 in the bank. He put $10 into your Christmas club. He took $10 for rent for the house. It was fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. So I didn't like that. Do I regret that now? It had made me a better person. I paid for that by not living with him. I paid for different things. You know, I wouldn't have gotten away with the drug use that I did if I were to lose. So there's little things that are karma that karma affected. When karma fucking knocks on your door, it is the weirdest thing because as soon as it happens, you know it. You know it. You know what you did. You know what you fucking did. You know, there's cars that park on my fucking block. There's nothing more I want to do than go to a

auto park store and get the thing to take air out of your tires and take them out of every tire of the people who park in front of my fucking house. You know what? I don't have that time. What if I wake up one morning and if I have a flat? I don't have that time and it's going to happen when I got to go to the airport. Yeah. So do you understand me, Carmine? But I learned that later on. You know, karma hit me hard as a young man. Karma hit me hard as a young man and it even hit me in the sense of cocaine because there was a point that I would do anything for cocaine. I wouldn't suck a dick or something, but there was a point. Right now, I'm writing this book and there's a, there's a, when you get arrested, I've talked about this, when you get arrested,

you go to a diagnostic facility after you get sentenced and you take tests there and they explain to you after you take the test there. It's a salt of battery test. It's IQ and after you take the test, the, their computers and their people make an assessment of you. And this was a very scary assessment. I didn't even know that that existed. I just thought you were taking tests and putting fucking blocks in cubes, you know, like when you, they ask you questions like in the arm again. Yeah. Sure. You just picture. What do you think about a bloody pussy? You know, all that shit. Then they make assessments. The assessment that was made with me was that I had a high IQ and if I wanted something, I took it. And in those ages, I'm not kidding you. If I wanted

something, I took it and I didn't know till they told me that's in this report. And I, and they're not supposed to tell you. I just became friends with the counselor. And one day he explained to me, but I was very upset when he explained what he explained to me. I didn't like what I heard. But then as I was leaving, he explained to me that that's not what the paper said, that if I looked the paper said, if I wanted something, I could get it. If I wanted to be a doctor, if I went to school, I could get it. We all have that ability to go get whatever the fuck we want. It's just to slow us up. Hearing that fuck me up. Just hearing that I could do it. Yeah. Thinking that I couldn't fuck me up for a while, you know, but the calm of it was that,

that whatever you do, Lee, like that, that thing, I robbed that poor cantabella. And I remember the first night we picked up 18 grand, you know, like 19 grand or something like that. I'll never forget that the attorney bill for that robbery was 18 six. So I think I made 18,000 on the whole robbery. So I lost six months. I lost $600 and two years of my life, three years of my life by doing that crime. Carmen never fucking forgets. Even for a long time when I was trying to be a better person, I was still running into little difficulties because of the calm I had created. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like it's just really weird. Karma does fuck with you. You know, you, it fucks with you when you fuck with people's emotions. You're going to yell and

scream. You're going to get into arguments of people. That's going to happen. But when you do things to people that you're wrong to do, you pay for those things, man. Well, what about like, so now you've had what, five good years, three good years? I don't know. I don't know what you want to put it at. I've had 51 good years. Well, five positive good karma years, I would say. No, I've had like 15, 14, because once I got arrested, I was very lucky. I learned about karma at 28. Okay. So once I got arrested, I knew. But I learned a different facet of life. I learned a facet that even though I wasn't doing harm to people, I was doing harm to myself. And sometimes when you do harm to yourself, karma also strikes at you. That's a very difficult one to fucking deal with.

You know, when you do drugs and you don't take care of yourself, when you, you know, we all responsibility to ourselves that I never knew about as a human being. I never fucking knew about it. We all responsibility to, you know, these people who get clean and sober and then they brag about it and they come show up to your house with a gallon of water. Oh, I just came back from the gym. It feels so great to go, you know, you're not supposed to be doing drugs anyway. Right. You know, there's things that you, that you pay for that you do to yourself. And then you have difficulties in your life. You know, we had a discussion a couple of weeks ago about an individual, you and I, who is about, he's walking in to a, to life. When I say you're

walking into life is life is about to start. The downside of life is about to start divorces and divorces. So you get divorced. Okay. People don't get along. People don't get along. People are not going to get along all your life. People are not going to get along, but a divorce is a bigger level than you going in high school, you know, when you date a girl in the eighth grade and we're not going to date no more. Why? I don't know. I want to be free. And then you invite her over and you put Bon Jovi on, you know, say goodbye, never say goodbye. And you hold hands and all your friends like, what are you going to do? You know, well, that magnifies to a higher level. When you get to fucking married, when you get married and you get separated or divorced,

it hits your psyche a different way. So now it's not the divorce that fucks you up. It's the reaction to the divorce. It's the drinking. It's the arguing with her. It's the how you act towards different people. You know, they say a divorce is just as fucking bad as a death. But it takes you that much to mourn a divorce as it is to mourn a death. You grew up through one. Yeah. Well, I can't, I didn't, my parents didn't get divorced until my last year high school, but I wish they'd got divorced earlier. You felt it. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, you feel it. And they knew socks. They both knew and they were like, Oh, well, we did it. We thought it was better for you. And I honestly, I don't think it was like honestly, even though you don't talk to Jackie

right now, if you had stayed there, I would have been a different person. Well, you would have been a different person, but it's terrible for kids. Exactly. Exactly. You have no idea the guilt I lived when I lived in Boulder. I lived in guilt because I know what it is to be in a house where there's yelling. Yeah. If you grew up and you're in a house that's fucking yelling, you know what that is. And even worse than yelling is quiet because it's like all quiet uncomfortable. You're fucking, that's a great point, man. It's really weird how, yeah, yeah, that's what happened in my house. It was the quietness. My mother, my stepmother and my dad's relationship fucked this up. You know,

it does because you don't know what's going on. You don't know what lake to stand on. Here in early age, you're un, how do you say that? Like unconsciously having to pick a side. Yeah. And that fucking is torture at that fucking age. That's torture at that age. But now think of it as an adult when you're living through it. And we have a friend that's going through a divorce. I have a friend that's going through a divorce and I was telling Lee about it, that I love him dearly, but I just see the beginnings of the downfall because he's throwing alcohol on it. He's staying out now. He doesn't have to go home no more. So he's doing drugs. He's already banging the chick. You could see where it's going. Yeah.

My, you know, let me tell you what my lucky thing was when I got divorced, honest to God, guys, I was in such bad shape. I was not, not physically, physically. I was in great shape. I was a Rufa. I had a Carol. I had to carry sheets of 90 pound rolls of fucking ladders and I hit the bag every night. It was in great shape physically. But what was I doing? Why it was good for you because I knew one thing about it. I knew that I had hit rock bottom. As far as I'm concerned, when you get divorced, you hit rock bottom. You hit rock bottom emotionally because you failed at something. Okay. Let's say there was no kid involved. Will the divorce have, would you have hit rock bottom? Yeah, divorce is rock bottom with the kid or without a kid

because you failed at something. Okay. At the end of the week, you couldn't keep something together. You could not keep something together. And that wasn't because you're fucking retarded. It was because you didn't do the work in the fucking beginning on the relationship. Sometimes we, you eat her pussy, she lets you fucking come on her neck. Bam. We're in love. That's it. These are all the requirements I fucking need. Boom. You give her a ring, you keep fucking, you keep going on dates. And all of a sudden you get married, you live together and there's a fucking realism. This bitch is fucking dirty. She don't change toilet paper. It takes a fucking eight months to fucking change the, do the laundry. You know, you have

faults too. Tuesdays and Thursdays, you want to wear your Vikings fucking shirt on and selling the couch like a fucking jerk off. You know, you got to play fucking tourney darts and shit. So we all have these faults we all bring. And when you're 21 or 25, you can't fucking, you can't, you won't even think of changing. You're that stupid that you don't even think of going, what the fuck am I doing with a bunch of guys shooting darts for? Am I fucking retarded? Like I'm over there like Robin Hood throwing fucking darts, drinking beer instead of my wife needs me or whatever. Because if you know, and those things you got to work on. There's a thousand things I like doing guys. There is a thousand things I like doing. There's a fucking jiu-jitsu

class at 430. I'm dying to go tonight. There's a 730. I'm dying to go to, but I'm home and you have to have those responsibilities. You have to have your time and you have to have their time. If not, you end up fucking divorced. These are the things about a relationship that you will end up fucking divorced. And that's not even throwing the thing in that some chick shows you a fucking pussy next door or whatever. That's not even throwing that in. Once you throw that in, wake up, Lee Coxucker. Once you throw that fucking factor and then your mind starts racing, you're following me. So it was really, I'm telling you, man, I don't wish divorce on anybody. I don't wish a lot of things on anybody. Yeah. I mean, but you ever have somebody? Well,

they got a fucking story every day. Oh, yeah. Have you ever been around somebody who's got a story every day and he's a nice person and something's always happening that means he's doing something against himself. When I was doing the blow, I had the worst luck in the world. Worst luck in the fucking world because I was doing something against myself. So when something happened, I expected it to happen. You know, I used to miss flights. I used to forget auditions. I used to forget little fucking things. I didn't forget them. I didn't forget them. I was thinking about cocaine. I was thinking about how I was going to get my hands on the fucking powder. So that's why I never, you know, you blow that shit off, man. Right. That's crazy. I mean, thank God. I'm really lucky

that A, I didn't have a drug thing. I've never had a drug thing and B, just with the with the marriage thing. I thank God every like I didn't marry work like someone I was dating in high school because I it's just it's I can't imagine how how like how much we've changed. I look at their Facebooks. I'm like, what the fuck if I if I was with that right now? Well, it's it's not about what person looks like after high school, whatever it's how you flesh it, how you mesh with that person and what's going on and what's crackleacking. Can you put up with their fucking farts? Can you put, you know, there's so many aspects like being in a band. When I see a band that's done five albums, I buy their album even if I don't like their music because it's such an accomplishment to

stay together. It's five different personalities that have to click. You available Sunday at two o'clock. Yeah. Yo, Joe, you available Sunday two o'clock. Yeah, you available Sunday two o'clock. Yeah. Mike, call Mike. See if he's available. I got my kid on Sunday. Boom. Back to the fucking drawing board. Yeah. Now I got to get a fucking whole new day to rehearse. It's five personalities. Well, marriage, you have two of them. You know, before I leave the house in the morning, I ask what do you got on the plate today? So when I'm driving, I'm really thinking about our day. I know I got to spend time with them. I know I got to spend time with her and then I have a window. Yeah. This morning, my wife is leaving at nine. I have a fucking window. So that means I got to

do kettlebells outside. And I got to go over my book and I got to call Jessica, the girl that's going to help us with the book and put this together. And you're right. You had a good idea. This book is brought to you by the church of what's happened now. And it's, and it's, and it's, I understand what you were saying last week, Lee. I didn't understand what you were saying. I was like, what the fuck is Lee talking about? Sometimes, Lee, I'm not, I got a thousand things going on. It's 9 30 at night. I've already been mind raped. By nine o'clock, your mind's been raped. If you're a human being, if you're a real human being and you have thought and you have, you know, challenges in your life and there's, and there's striving that you want to do,

I don't ask people questions at nine o'clock at night to try to present the fucking deal. It's weird to me because I don't get started until the last night. I almost called you to 11 o'clock. I had like a bunch of ideas. I'm the same way. I just don't present them to nobody because I understand where your mind has been all fucking day. I mean, by fucking five o'clock, your mind is stressed out. You know, you've already worked. You've already planned the weekend. You're thinking about who's going to pick up your kid. You're thinking about going to soccer or jiu-jitsu or whatever the fuck you do with your life or to the gym. So 9 30 is just your mind is, you know, you have all these fucking things in your head. You know what I'm talking about?

Right. What the fuck, Lee? Are you ready for another vapor hit? I'm okay. How you doing? So you're ready for the weekend? Oh, yeah. Barbecue and do some nice walking in there. Bring your sneakers. Bring a bikini. Okay. What fucking scrub your back. Bring some gel. You don't look like you've never been to Texas before. No, I've only driven through Amarillo at that very top weird part, the skinny part,

on the way back and forth from LA. I always have a problem with Texas. Why? When I leave, I go, fuck, why don't I have Olivia? Really? Is that good? It's that good. I'm a big fan of Texas. I do like the South. It's the same as when I was driving through the South, everyone was so nice.

Everybody's very nice. I was like, it's so cool. I was very surprised the first time I went to Texas, what I anticipated and what I got were two different fucking things. You know, being from New York and growing up being a Dallas Cowboy fan and watching all that. I expected to be around a lot of white people with big Cowboy hats. You know what I'm saying? Like big fucking white people that spoke a certain way and they were very, I thought everybody from the South was either a Cowboy or Tom Landry. You know, like Tom Landry, how you know Tom Landry?

He was the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Pump them up. Okay. Go pump them up on this picture. Tom Landry was a man's man. He didn't laugh. He didn't giggle. He just knew how to do one thing. And that's when championships and fucking savages. You see him back in the time when there were suits on the South. Suits in a hat. Look at that motherfucker. That dude was bad to the bone. And then they had a guy named Bum Phillips in Houston, Texas.

Now look what Bum Phillips looks like. Bum Phillips is a real fucking badass redneck. Oh, that's why. That's my motherfucker right there. He's the coach right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His son's the coach of the Dallas Broncos. The secondary and shit like that. Forget his son. His son's like a punchy. He was like Bum.

Bum motherfucking Phillips. He died recently. You know, when I was a kid, I'd sit there at night and I'd watch the Houston fucking Oilers play with Earl Campbell. Yeah. And at the stadium, if you ever see an Earl Campbell 3030, a documentary, you got to watch it when they took a shoe off and he still ran for the touchdown. But Monday nights, I used to watch the Houston Oilers, whoever the fuck they played on a Monday night football,

and I would sit on the phone with this kid, Whitey O'Donnell, and we'd sit on the phone and we'd tell people how someday we're going to go to Houston, man. We're going to go to Houston and tear it out. We were like 12 and 13. And you would see the Houston Oiler fans with these little bonbons, and it just does something to you. It makes you think of fucking America like that's it. This is it, man. This is fucking it.

Yeah. So, you know, my anticipation, the first place in Texas, I ever went to was Houston, the Duke County, and it was mind blowing. It was really mind blowing. You know, it's mind blowing the people how buck fucking crazy they are. Like in Houston, Texas, where, you know, Doug Stanhope taped a CD in Houston, Mitch Hedberg taped a CD in Houston, Tom Rhodes taped a CD in Houston. The list goes endless.

You know, Doug Stanhope caused drama in Austin. They shaved his balls on stage at the same club we're going to be at. This happens in Texas because this is Texas. Okay. Okay. If you go to fucking Houston and you get on stage, I have said things in Houston. Things have come out of my fucking mouth in Houston that has shocked me. I became a comic in Houston.

Like I traveled a lot. I became a comic in Texas between Houston, El Paso and Dallas. It taught me how to hone my skills because I'd see these fucking gentiles and it just as crazy as me. What are you looking at, Lee? What the fuck are you looking at? Microphones and shit. They were just as crazy as me, Lee. And there's nothing better than that.

When you see somebody and your mind says, oh, this guy's not going to like my fucking eating an asshole joke. Yeah. And all of a sudden you look at him as you're saying and he's hitting his wife telling her, get ready when we get home. I'm going to eat your fucking asshole like this chubby fucking Cuban or this Italian. That's Texas. I have seen things in Texas.

I have done blow in Texas for three, four days and gotten up and eating the fucking calachi and went right back to business. Everybody in Texas is fucking crazy. You have to assume when you're in Boulder, when you're in Boulder, when you're in Houston and you say shit and all of a sudden like you talk about killing the bitch and putting a cowboy hat in her asshole and they're laughing. And then you say something about Bush and the room goes quiet. It's fucking amazing.

Really? Yeah. They'll take the ride with you in Texas. Texas is one of the coolest fucking spots in this country. And if you don't know that, you better fucking strap on a pair. Yeah. Colorado is cool. People are smoking dope and everybody stinks like patchouli juice.

New York is this. And Ohio currently is fucking tremendous. But there's something about Texas that even at the fucking airport, like I'm already thinking that the fucking breakfast spot is going to be because every airport in Houston, you know, if you go online right now, if you go online at home right now and you look for restaurants and you just fucking around with restaurants at airports. They have a list of the top restaurants at airports. You know where LA is?

They're not even on the fucking list. They don't have any food at the airport. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing, guys. They don't have a fancy restaurant. They have kamachos, but it's in the Southwest terminal. But if you fly American or Virgin, there's nothing to eat.

Nothing. Who gots Burger King, Oolma Lumprey, some fucking cold sandwich hanging there. It's a piece of dough hanging there with lettuce and wet mozzarella. It looks like a fucking whatever. It looks like shit. But when you go to fucking Houston, Texas for breakfast, I got papacitos. When we go to Austin, I don't know who the fuck they got, but I know they're going to have somebody who's got good breakfast burritos, but eat a beer, a Bloody Mary.

You know, it's just something. I went to college in Colorado and I never regretted it. I loved the beauty of Colorado. But I think I would have fit in a little bit more at the University of Houston. I think I would have fit in more. I don't know if I would have fit in more at the University of Texas in Austin. I had a couple of good friends that went in. They're pretty nice.

They're very nice and reformed people. But there's just something about Texas, man. You know, I don't go to Houston or Dallas no more. I tried to get to San Antonio. They told me some stories. So the only thing I have is fucking Austin. So if we don't see each other, the flying Jews coming this weekend, come on down. Come on fucking down to Austin.

I'm telling you right now, man, get a hotel room, get a room somewhere. They got hotels everywhere. You know, enjoy Austin for all this and fucking music. I heard it's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesomely. This is, you know, I get excited about going to town because I know the beauty in every fucking town.

Whether I go to Houston or fucking Grand Rapids, Michigan, or fucking, you know, I find the beauty in each town. I look forward to it. It must be pretty cool being a standup for when you're traveling because the thing that sometimes I dislike about traveling is I don't like, sometimes I like it, but a lot of times I prefer not to do touristy things. But as a standup, you have such a huge chunk of your day where you could be like a local because you're there for four days.

I'm there for four fucking days. And there used to be six. And the biggest, you know, I have fucking anger in my heart. And I understand it sometimes. And I'm very sorry for it. Just the way life turns out. But one of the things that sparks that anger is when I hear people putting down the United States

and they're talking about other parts of the world. And I know they're beautiful also. Well, do me a favor. Before you travel the other parts of the States, go to Kansas. Go to fucking Topeka. Go to where the University of Kansas is Lawrence, you know? There are these neat little fucking towns, Ashland, North Carolina, you know, downtown, not Detroit, Jesus Christ, they work on fire.

But, you know, they've done all these things with these great fucking cities, buildings. I was in buildings last year to shoot a fucking commercial. I went to buildings 20 years ago to fucking do a comedy. And I was back in buildings. It's beautiful. These places are small town fucking USA that you go to and you pull in, you get a diner and people talk to you.

And you're like, wow, there's life outside of Texas or there's life outside of LA. Yeah, we have major fucking cities in this country. And they're beautiful fucking what they've done with Baltimore. What they've done with Baltimore. They could never shoot the wire in Baltimore now. I mean, you know, they just do these things with these little cities and they're doing them

with little, little cities. You know, they're doing them with little, my friend says, Red Bank, New Jersey is fucking beautiful now. They've done some great things. Please give these places a fucking chance, man. Give these places. I am so fucking grateful that I have seen the places I've seen in this country.

Any fucking idiot could go to Hawaii, man. Any fucking jerk off could go to New York. Any fucking Matt fucking Moran could go to fucking LA. But something about going to Riverton, Wyoming or something in Wyoming and seeing those mountains and talking to different people, that's when you fucking realize, jeez, that's when you start caring about this country.

That's when you go, holy fucking shit. These people exist, man. This isn't just television. These people live in a city where there's 80,000 people, a small city, whatever the fuck you call them, township. I don't even know. I'm not that fucking politically, whatever. But they've gotten a Starbucks.

You know, Santa Fe, New Mexico. They've gotten a Starbucks. They've gotten a Dunkin' Donuts. You know, they've done something with their downtown. Okay, it's not fucking a 2.2 mile downtown radius with Morton's Steakhouse. But it is what it is. It's these people that are putting up independent shops,

which is what this country was built on, man. You know, when we got up in the fucking mornings, we had to, you had the choice in this country to fucking go and work for some fucking jerk off, who gives you 50 cents every two years or whatever the fuck it is. Or you have a chance to go to a bank and go, Lee, how much money do you have in the bank, man? I don't need money.

I just want to start a business. What is it, Joe? I want to start a fucking printing business. We can make money in this town, you know, and you look at each other and you go, yeah, but how much are we going to make? So what? Even if we both walk away with 40 fucking thousand,

it's our town. It's our business. And we're helping the town out and we're paying taxes. We're part of the Chamber of Commerce. But people don't see that. People overlook that stuff because they want to be cool at a cafe. Nobody fucking ever says to you that they went to,

you know, the small town in South Dakota. I did. You know, I did. I've been to fucking the Traverse City, the festival of cherries. You know, who the fuck goes to the festival of fucking cherries when they're hungover on blow? You know, me, you motherfucker, because I wanted to have hope, man.

I like having hope. I like seeing fucking white people mingling. And oh my God, this cherry is sensational. You know what I'm saying? I like seeing white people mingling. I love it. I've been to places in this country. I've been water town.

I've been to places that nobody knows about. And they're fucking beautiful, man. And people think that a guy like me, or that most people would laugh at those places. There's times I look around. I'm at the park yesterday and I'm looking around. I'm looking at 30 fucking kids. I'm looking at a sign that says put your dog on a leash

and people with their fucking leashes off, people shitting with their dogs. And I'm like, you know, man, I'm in Studio City, California. These people have class. These people work hard. They have money. Supposedly. Supposedly.

And they still have no fucking class. So what's the next move for me? I want to go to a small place. You know, I want to go to a suburb outside of Nashville. I like to go to, you know, these are the places that when you look at as an American, like let's say you're headed from, I don't know, man. Let's say you're headed from fucking Tennessee

to South Carolina, the Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Okay. Have you ever made that run? No. Nobody fucking does. Guess who? I have. Let's say you're doing that run.

Yeah. You know, there's going to be towns in between when you pull over. I don't know the names. And when I can sit here and go home tonight and tell you the names of them on fucking Monday where I've been, I took a ride from Tennessee one time to Myrtle Beach. I stopped at three places to eat. All of them were fucking nines.

Oh, yeah. And all of them I overtipped and all of them I gave the lady a hug because she made me laugh. You know, she offered me a homemade piece of pie. She gave me a sample of a meatloaf. I was the meatloaf today. Hold on.

Let me get you a sample. Really? Yeah. So I looked at something very interesting the other day online. There's a map of the country and it was population density. And it was bright red on the coasts and nothing in the middle. Absolutely nothing. And the older I get, I think I'm looking for apartments

and I'm lucky to find a decent place in an OK area. The minimum is 1,100 bucks. Gas has never been higher. If I could find a place in the middle of the country with a movie theater, a store, a restaurant, and maybe a comedy club, but even just a movie theater within 20 minutes and I could pay 500 for a one bedroom,

that seems almost better. And you could drive your bike down and talk to people and you know a guy's name down the corner. Yeah. And if you forget your wallet at home, you can look him in the eye and go, hey, dog. And you know what? It's so weird how I got an email yesterday from somebody

and they said that I didn't understand. They said that they thanked me for not becoming part of the corporalization of comedy. Okay. They're incorporating comedy now that if you don't know it, and I didn't even look at it that way because of the podcast and how we're not a part of anything and how that this is the last frontier for free comedy.

I didn't understand. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Sounds good. I didn't want to say the guy's name. And I never thought about it that way. He says that now we have nothing really, we're losing arts. We're losing the arts to, you know, he goes right now rap is going through that.

There's no more gangster rap. This guy wrote a tremendous fucking article that there was no more gangster rap. Gangster rap is gone. It's the corporalization. Yeah, fuck yeah. Now get ready for the corporalization of comedy now. And it's already starting with television.

You see it. And he talked about me, how a guy like me could go untouched that nobody would even talk to me or whatever. And they got shows that are miserably full of failing. And it was a great email. And I like to read it. He was just saying to thank you. Thank you for what we do.

Thank you for saying the words we say sometimes. You know, and the objectives and the honesty. I couldn't do this if I couldn't fucking tell the truth. I'm done. I'm done. Somebody asked me, why are you so open with these fucking people? You know why? Because if I'm open with them,

I don't want anybody ever feel the way I felt in my life. I feel every fucking day like I'm not good enough. Every fucking day I wake up. Even now, every fucking day, though, I wake up. I'm not part of that clique. I'm not. But deep down inside, I want to be part of that fucking clique. If I was part of that clique, I would sell my soul like them.

Well, there's nothing worse about when the podcast, because you couldn't tell. You spent so many hours with them. Like, All right, Shafir isn't a famous like movie star or anything like that. But I was nervous when I met him because I had spent 100 hours to 500 hours listening to him. So you know, you get to know people. And there's nothing worse than listening to a podcast when you can tell someone's trying to do like a Jay Leno talk.

And like, if they maybe I don't want to talk about that or let's not say that person's name. It makes it like I almost have to stop. I have to turn it off and it's getting to that point because this is what the podcast is doing. Yeah, I can't do. I couldn't deal with it 10 years ago. I would wait. I would watch somebody on an interview and the interview is great. But it didn't tell me anything of what I want to know.

I watched. I always wanted to know what they said when they leaned in. That's what America always wants to know. Yeah. It's funny how one of the best interviews I've seen it. Well, how I learned to podcast. Let me tell you what made me understand podcasting. Listen, for years, man, I hate social events, people.

Do you know I got invited to the Spider-Man 2 premiere? I got there. Why? These are the things I don't tell people. I get invited to any movie I do. I get invited to the trip tank premiere. Let me trip tank the cartoon I did on Comedy Central. Yeah.

I got invited to the Marc Maron party and the whole thing. And I don't go to any of those things, people. You know, I suffer from something. I don't know whether it's retardation of fucking being around a lot of other people. Part of it is I don't feel fucking good enough. And you know what? 90% of the people that listen to this podcast don't feel good enough about themselves. It's not because we're fat or we're Mexican or we're Cuban or we're black or we're fucking Chinese.

A shout out to my man, Chung. I don't know what it is. It's just sometimes you just don't feel adequate. And we do things to come up to par. I just never felt comfortable in my skin being around those people because they're talking about movies and films and all this. And I'm thinking if they knew 20 years ago, I was in the cell next to three black guys that had just been stabbed yelling and screaming all fucking night, they wouldn't talk to me.

Or at least that's what I feel in my heart that they wouldn't really. You still think that this is many years later? I still know that. Still, I know how I feel. You know, this is what I'm saying to you. You have to, I live paranoid, but that's why people are walking around in shock. Oh my God, we can't believe Donald Sterling said this. Do you see what a controversy is just started?

Now magic is getting involved with the Hive. Well, it's, I was talking about this for something last night and they say, well, it's a slippery slope to take someone's property away for their thoughts. And it is, but the thing is Twitter and Facebook is very new and they're gonna, they're starting to do, they're gonna have to start building laws because of it. And it's the same reason my podcast is getting corporatized because TV sucks. And they're gonna, they're starting to make money this way. So anything new is gonna run through that thing.

So I mean, yeah, Donald Sterling, you shouldn't take something away from what people say, but he said it. So it was so terrible. Oh, he keeps getting himself into a deep, deep hole. It was the first one. And if anybody doesn't know, he's a fucking old man. Yeah. He's a fucking old man that's got billions of fucking dollars.

And I don't listen, man. It's just, I don't like this whole fucking thing, but that's not what we're talking about here. It's so weird how this is why this podcast works. This podcast works because I'm not condescending. I'm not here fucking telling you what you need to do. We're all pieces of shit. We're just working ourselves to fuck up.

And at least I am. I didn't go to social events. I fucking hate it. I hate them too. Fucking hate them. You know, when I got the longest yard, since I was with them all the time in Santa Fe, I'd have to go to their parties. Yeah.

And I would go show up, eat something. And without even saying goodbye, grudge match party. It's New Orleans. I was there the first night. I flew in for the fucking party. I went to the party, took two bites of the fucking sausage and the gumbo. And the next day they were like, you missed DeNiro. You missed the loan.

You missed Kim Bassinger. It's great. I was in my room smoking fucking dope. Yeah. I don't really notice that the comedy clubs, like, I like saying hi to people, but every time it's a, where's Lisa? It's because I don't want to stand right in that crowd.

Like, I always go off to the side a little bit because like even just that big of a crowd, even though everyone there, in theory, everyone there likes me and isn't it would be nice. I just, I go to the side of the bathroom. Yeah. Sometimes, so I wouldn't go. So one night I'm watching David Letterman

and my boy is on there, part of the Caribbean. Yeah. Just happened to catch him. And, you know, for years people go, can I have tape on your comment? I go, no. Why not? I don't have none.

I don't, Lee. I don't have tape of me in my house. I don't want tape of me in the house. I don't want to hear me. I don't want to look at me. I don't want to do nothing. There's times people play something with me and I'm in the room.

I have to look the other fucking way, bro. It's like getting a needle. I don't want to see me on stage. I don't want to hear me on stage. I don't want to do none of that shit. Lee, tell these people. How many times I've said, I'm giving you a DVD and said, You give me every DVD.

And you're like, what do you think? Take a look at it. I don't fucking know. I don't even want to see it. I don't even care what you put up half the time. I don't want to see me, man. I don't want to see me. And I'm watching part of the Caribbean.

Now, I don't want to see me because I don't want to see my fucking face. I don't want to hear my voice. I don't want to see my stomach. I don't want to see my short little fucking arms. I don't want to see me. Then you got a guy that looks like, what's his name? What's the part of the Caribbean?

Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. So fucking David let him go. So how does this new movie look? Have you seen it? He goes, Nope. He goes, What do you mean? You haven't seen your movie?

And he goes, Listen, bro. Once I shoot, I fucking shoot. There's actors that shoot, and then they have to call time out and go look at the dailies. Oh, the dailies is the film that they just shot. So whatever footage. So if I'm saying to Lee Lee, suck my dick.

Cut. Boom. We'll go look at how I look. It's even easier now because it's digital. Right. It's digital. So people are like, Oh, I got to move my hand. I got to do this.

He said, Excuse me. He goes, I don't even look at the fucking dailies. David let him. I was like, You're the star of the movie. You don't watch the dailies. No. Well. And he goes, What about after they do the movie?

Do you go watch it? No. What do you do at the premiere? He goes, I walk in. As soon as the movie starts, I walk out. That night made me so fucking happy because I realized I was okay. Right.

Well, he might want to start watching his stuff because he's been doing movies for 30 fucking years. Eventually your shit's going to fucking suck. You know what I'm saying? Even a rod, you know, you can't stay on top forever. Poor a rod. You can't stay on top forever, cocksucker. The church of what's happening now, people.

Thank you for joining us today. May 14th, grab your socks, brush your teeth, comb your hair. Today's your lucky fucking day. You might get a job. You might get a promotion. You might get your dicks up. If you're a beautiful woman, somebody might stuck their tongue up your little muffler today.

It's Wednesday. Anything can happen today. What if that all happened at once? If you watch the Mickey Mouse Club, that is Wednesday. You know what that is? What? Anything can fucking happen today, today. So fucking make it happen in your goddamn favor.

Were you a big Mickey Mouse Club fan? I was a big everything fan. I'm a fucking moron. You know, Mickey Mouse, Superman, Spider-Man, Popeye, whatever the fuck they were offering, I was getting because I didn't know how to speak the language. I wanted to be a fucking American, you know what I'm saying? The flag is coming.

We're all going to fucking be going back to basics again. You understand me? Basics. Basics starting next fucking week. Saluting the flag every morning. Telling the fucking, we're all godfucking fearing Americans. You understand me? Like Clint Eastwood and outlawed Josie Wales.

What, Lee? What? I just, because we had exchange tables and the poor sales guy at the desk place was so thrown off, but it's coming in. And I just, as your karate chopping, I took this image of you going straight through the table. I'm going to go straight through the fucking table. And he'll be like, well, we can't.

I'm working on my cheap powers as we speak. Cucksuckers. We can't return this. I'm going to go talk to my supervisor. I'm going to fucking return. What do you got planned for the weekend? Oh, you're going to be fucked up all weekend with your uncle, Joey, you understand me?

I can't wait down there and beautiful whatever the fuck part of Texas that is. Austin, Texas. Now, if you live there or if you are a good barbecue person, tell me what to get because I was saying to the people. Everything, everything, brisket, ribs. You get the fucking sausage. You got everything, potato salad, the white bread.

I love potato salad. They're going to give you a pound of fucking white bread. Why? Because you eat white bread as you're eating. Just stuff you, the carbs, everything. Listen, this is the last temptation at least I had. So make it work for you. You're not even going to see Paul in the next month.

He's got a plan. You're going to be running Saturday and Friday nights. Oh, God. That's it. It's over. Okay. He's going to charge you 25 a day, four days a week. You're going to work out.

Okay. He already told me the party's over. And I told him that you're willing to let him sleep on your floor. So he watches your diet. He's going to change your diet and he's going to move in with you for a few weeks or so. He's going to be your own personal Mike Dolce Zach. I love it.

I didn't think about that. No more fucking around with you. You got to put gel on your head. You got to brush your teeth. No more fucking. And right from here, he said he's going to show up here. And he's got to just park up the corner. Just bring your sneakers.

Okay. You're going to do laps around that park. There's a park up here? Two blocks up from right next to right next to any house. Okay. So as you're running, you can smell the onions. That's momentum for you. By the time you go home, you'll be puking fucking onions, cocksucker.

Gross. I love it. I love it. I'm feeling better. I go for my MRI on Tuesday, next Monday the 19th. I went to Jiu Jitsu Monday with up at 10th Planet Van Nuys. I saw Hasan out there. I saw Alder.

I trained with Salami. And I got to tell you, man, I hate to fucking be honest with you people, but the not smoking has really helped me. And yeah, I know a lot of people like Joey, what the fuck? How are you not smoking reefer? I've been smoking reefer 30 years. I mean, I really earned my fucking stripes, cocksucker. As you saw that I'm getting high with Doug, I earned my fucking stripe.

I got to do bomb hits with fucking Godzilla if I had to. That's not the point. I'm 50. What do I give a fuck? You know, I have a little daughter or something happens. I want to be able to protect her. I want to be able to pick her up and run at this earthquake and stuff like that. And I couldn't do that.

And I was going to the gym. You know, you know me guys, I try to do something every day. I try to get on the bike. I try to extend the fucking with the fucking thing to get cardio. I was doing the Dolce run, but I got hurt. I'm 51. I'm a little heavy. And sometimes you get hurt.

Your joints can't fucking take it. But you know what? That don't stop me. The reefer was very troublesome there for a while. I was smoking three, four joints in the fucking morning and it was just backed up. You know, I could. I'm smelling now. Do you know that?

For a long, for a couple of years. Will it give you a better sense of smell? My sense of smell is better. My sense of taste is better. So it's been amazing. I all put it out till this Saturday because I wanted to do that thing with Doug Benson. So I didn't want to smoke. You know, that was the thing I wanted to feel.

And I might smoke Saturday, but I'm not going to smoke no more, guys. I'm just going to keep doing the vapors. I was fucked up yesterday when you saw me last night. Yeah. I was gone. I was fucking gone. Yeah. We were fucked up.

I had a cookie and a half of fucking gummy bear. Do you know that Cheebo chews are backed up in California by two months right now? Like backwater? Backwater in California. That's how popular fucking Cheebo chews are, guys. And I got to tell you, man, that little gummy bear that grown and haunted, to me that pound for pound, pound for pound is a great edible for 10 bucks. You could break that thing in half or ask my brother, because I always gave Lee a half.

And then I gave him one and a half. He's not going to lie. He's going to sit right there and tell you. This is my proof. I gave Lee a half for how long? For months. Yeah. I've been making you eat a half.

And then we ate a whole and a half and a live podcast. Did you not in my fucking making this up? Trust me, I did. Tell these motherfuckers what we had discussion about that Sunday and tell them what happened that Monday. Yeah, we talked about how like I kind of turned, it kind of turned off. I was fucked up, but it didn't feel like I should have felt like three times as high as a half. With the one and a half.

Yeah. And then Monday, whatever the next time I had an edible was, maybe it was the day we moved in here or something like that. Something. You gave me a quarter and I was high all fucking day. All day. It's mind boggling how you sitting there at 10 o'clock at night going, I still can't be high on this fucking devil.

What's it called? We're doing a green horn. I'm telling you guys, Chibo Choo don't pay me. They don't spawn to the show. I have a personal relationship with them. I think the fucking world to them. But I'm telling you right now, I feel in my heart that gummy bear, pound for pound, I'll put it up against anything.

Yeah, you could definitely, you could put that into force and still get way too high. You could probably split into ace if you really wanted to. I really fucking believe that, man. I've had everything. You know, those gumis and monos are fucking strong. You have to choose that little hundred. Fuck.

It's 250 milligrams and it's in a hash, you know, base, and that's a complete different high. That fucks you up. But I'm telling you, pound for pound, that little fucking green horn, I don't know why. Gumis and monos, I'll tell you what, I just ate my last one with Ari in Santa Fe. Yeah.

We were gone, gone. I think the older they get, like if he gives them to you, you hold on to them for three weeks and then you cut the head off and the two arms and shit and you do voodoo. That's what you do when you eat that fucking gummy bear from those gumis. Oh, God, yeah. You're doing fucking black magic because you eat the arm off

and the leg and then the head. Well, fucking green horn, it's like you go and you have like a chocolate cake. Gumis and monos is like when you go to the state fair and they take a chocolate cake and they fry it and then they put it inside another chocolate cake and they deep fry that. It's like you can't have it that often,

but it's fucking crazy. It's like, oh my, that, were you giving me the head once? Just the head. The cherry, the cherry is fucking delicious. Now I like my edibles now. I'm having a good time with them. They're cooking me to sleep at night.

You know, listen, man, I talk a lot of shit here about this and that. You know, I haven't been sleeping lately, guys. If I do the math, yeah, I write down what I sleep and it's five hours, five hours, five and a half hours. How do I do that? Five hours. And you know what, guys, it keeps you fat.

It raises your cortisol levels. You know, I watched 30 years ago at the University of fucking Colorado Mountain College. I saw the effects of sleep, like what realms you have to go to and how many hours you have to be in that fucking, you know, I'm not that smart, guys. I just tell you what I fucking read

and I can't remember half the time. But, you know, I keep doing these five and a half hours, man. I'm like, you know what, I can't keep doing that. I have to get sleep. We have Radio Friday in Austin, so we'll do Radio Friday 7. Oh, I got to get to come?

Come with Uncle Joey. We'll eat an edible right then. Oh, Jesus. You're going to take an edible with your high blood pressure medication. From now on, you take one a day. No, I'm sure. You don't take the fucking one a day from on it.

The multivitam, I'm going to get you a multivitam for your workout. You deserve it when you're a strong kid. You know what I'm saying? You're a fucking animal. How's the helmet work? Everything good? Oh, yeah.

If it gets hard, you take that motherfucker to town. Oh, God, yeah. I went through a point. I think that thing is mostly mental. I went through a point where it didn't, like, every once in a while, it wouldn't work. And I went out and looked at those dick pills that sell CVS, and it didn't feel right.

I think it's all mental. When you feel comfortable with a person, it's going to work. Love is love. Not even that. I mean, love. But if there's a dirty hole, it adds to it too. If a chick stands up and sticks a hammer in her pussy, it takes going to get hard.

You know? Yeah. She takes that fucking... So when you think a two-life crew this morning sitting at home with them, tick them hard, you ready for fucking Saturday night? What happens Saturday night?

You know, you said it's yourself. You like it like I do. Put your lips on my dick and suck my asshole too. You ready to suck some asshole Saturday night? And oaky-mookies bringing some chicks with you. I talked to her. Yes, they would take it out of your kick for you to eat. I don't think it's ever going to happen.

It's going to happen. Some chicks in the park. And I ain't eating hummus. Hummus and eating. You should. Hummus in the park. You shouldn't eat like a bucket of hummus. I ain't eating no fucking hummus.

Hummus is bad for you. I love it. I love when you guys send me pictures of hummus. It makes me so happy. Pussy. Pussy. Asshole is good for the flavor. It's good for your teeth.

No. What? She's got a hairy pussy. It cleans your teeth. Yes, it is. How is the pussy hair going to be involved in this? Because hopefully it's long enough. And it's by the asshole when she farts,

it blows the pussy hair out of the way and it goes right into your mouth. That is the... That makes it worse. That makes it even better. Hanging pussy hair. Tremendous. For long.

Nice and long. You want it to be long. Why? Like a goatee. You ready to pussy? It looks like a goatee. No. You don't know what you're missing.

That sounds terrible. That's tremendous. Do you pull on it? You pull on it. Oh. Oh, it's tremendous. Wait, wait, this checks on that. And then the other day, I can't believe you don't do that.

What? When you're eating monkey, you stick your little finger up there. That's when you release the carbon monoxide before the flavor of shit gets in there. It's like club soda. In the air. That's what it smells like.

I don't stick it under any way. And you inhale it slowly. You get that air coming out of the muffler. It's like a warm air with no flavor. It has a flavor. It's never got fucking flavor, cocksucker. But anyway, I had to do an apology to John Bender. That's his name.

And he came to, when I did the longest yard, I did a show in Jersey City. And he showed up with his sister and his niece. And I hugged him and we talked. But there was something missing from our conversation. Always ate away at me. Was yesterday like a anniversary or something? No, no, no, no.

I woke up yesterday and I saw that he had posted something on Facebook because he's running with my friend, Venere. He's also on that political card. He's underneath Venere. He's running for city something. And I emailed him and I put, I'm proud of you on Facebook. You know, congratulations on your running. And I go, now is the time to do it.

You know, when I told him that when I was young, I was stupid. I was scared. You know, I was confused. I had moved in there. But his father was very good to me. His father picked me from the fucking choir. And he was schooling me as a young man. He knew, he knew at the house I had sort of problems.

You know, my mom worked all the time. And I would eat over there and he'd take me to the track. And he'd tell me about his fucking problems, you know, with his sons and what he wanted for his sons and what I should do with my life. And then when my mother died, he was there for me. And I didn't know how to handle it, man. You know, I moved into this house.

They had no control over me. They never asked me a question. As long as I went to school and get good grades, they didn't ask me any questions. You following me? He was the type of house. I went there at six. I ate dinner, I took a shower.

I made a few calls. I talked to them for a little while and I left. And then the next day, but I was tighter with the father. When I, when John moved me in, it was to be tight with him. But I wasn't that tight with John. John didn't party. John listened to the Beatles. I listened to, you know what I'm saying?

John like hanging out with these chicks that were fucking out of their minds. I didn't like that. I didn't want to hang out with my friends. So his feelings got hurt. So then he started a campaign to get me thrown out of there. And the father kept saying, I'm not throwing them out. You know, I made a commitment, you know,

and I learned things from the father. And then I started doing coke. I started, you know, just getting into general problems. And it came back to the house because I was good friends with the middle son. He was a cop. So he, this guy's a cop and we're hanging out together. And people know I'm selling this

and I'm doing this and things are responsible because of me. And it got back to him. So he asked me to leave April of 81. It was the same week the president got shot. Reagan, it was the same week. And I forget that he was crying. And it was sad I had a new place to live.

But I let Jimmy down. That was the father's name. He had big plans for me. He was one of those people that believed in me. You have people believing in you, man. Yeah. Well, do you think, I mean, I don't know, did he respond to the, to the, sorry?

No. And I know he was on Facebook last night. No, it was a heavy email. It was very heavy. If he has any heart, it made him cry because I was crying as I was typing it. Yeah. So I want him to feel that my apology.

And I, I just, like I said, I never wanted, you know, you guys, you come to the shows, you pay 22 bucks, we laugh, we take a picture afterward. You're going to move on, you know? You know, you're going to go one day at Joey, I went to see him, whatever, but at the same time for you paying that $22,000 and taking the picture, I want to keep doing well for you.

Even if you don't like my comedy after a while, I want to keep doing movies. I want to, because you, you cheered me on. I have to give you something back. Yeah. I took that from being young. You know, when I was young, I made a lot of fucking mistakes. Man, people always email me these questions

about their parents and this and that. Listen, man, your parents were there for you. Do me one favor as a human being. Be there for them. Make them fucking proud. Do one thing and make them proud, because then all the love and effort they put into you wasn't in fucking vain, you know?

I had these two friends, they're girls. One lives in Houston and she's in a rehab. She's 40-some and the other one lives here and she's just as fucking worthless. But they're my friends and I'm stuck with them. They were my friends when I was 20 years ago. But the one called me last week and said that the mother yelled at her and said that she can't believe

that she finally made an assessment that both her daughters were fucking losers. And they were never gonna do anything with their life. And that made me feel bad. And I go, you know, I've been telling you for years, you gotta do something. You're 40, you came here to do comedy, but you run a building and you're drunk

every time I fucking talk to you. You know, there comes a point in your life where you're not doing it for yourself anymore. You're doing it for the people around you. Not the fucking idiots that don't give a fuck about you so you can drink coffee with them and tell them you're accomplished. Oh my God, no.

For the people who really give a fuck about you. The people who really give a fuck about you. You know what, you may have two of them that when you tell them something good, they look at you and they go, fuck yeah. The rest of the people are like, congratulations, that's so good for you. And then as they walk away,

they make up lines in the head on how you're not good enough, how you're lucky and somebody got a fee and you're a piece of shit. And this happens because your uncle's in the union or whatever the fuck it is, you know. So that was my purpose really of sending him that email that I think of Jimmy Bender. Let me get one of those waters.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't laugh about Jimmy Bender a joke. Or something he used to say to me or some lesson, you know. Well, do you think if the apology is sincere, you can tell it's sincere? Like when it's a fake apology, that's worse. But if someone makes a sincere apology to you, except for a couple of things, you might not forget,

but it's kind of hard to still be that angry. If someone's sincere about it, I don't mean. I don't like when somebody apologizes the next day. Because that means sometimes that he just realized he did something and he's just apologizing. I mean, you had an argument December and I apologized to you a week later because I was wrong. But I wanted to think about what made me do it,

why I did it, and I wanted to understand it. And at the same time, you were thinking about where it came from. And an apology is always very sincere from a guy like me because I thought about it. I was a lot of times I get into problems with people and I'm like, fuck that motherfucker. I ain't saying nothing to him. Watch, and we just move on.

But that's not really being a man, you know. It's taking the time to acknowledge somebody. And I knew this is a child. This is why I'm where I am today with my friends. The people I grew up with, the people I call here and the people that I talk to when I leave here, one of them will call me in the car and said that that's the reason why.

That's, and I'm proud of those guys because, and that's why I said the other day, I have them call from time to time because it keeps me on my fucking toes. I don't ever want to get, I don't ever want to lose my head because somebody says I was in a movie or grudge match. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit.

Well, you know, and I know I don't give a fuck about that. I give a fuck about being better every fucking day. That's bullshit. I just book one of those things. But don't mean nothing. I didn't move with this guy or that guy. I'm even looking at it that way. I talk to those guys to keep me in check as a reminder.

As a reminder of who I was and who the fuck I am today and what I have to keep doing every fucking day. It's not going to be you motherfuckers got to keep doing every goddamn day. Right or wrong. Who gives a shit? We have a great time. We have a great time.

We giggle, we laugh, we get high. We ain't killed nobody, right? You ain't stabbing no bitches. Not yet. I haven't killed nobody lately. After this weekend, maybe when you eat nettables. Oh my God. And I drop you off at the White Rose strip club

downtown in Austin or whatever the Rose. Is that a good one? That's Stan Hope's joint. As soon as you can just mention Stan Hope at the door they'll suck your fucking asshole. That's what chicks are gonna fart in your face. So you're doomed no matter where the oaky spooky brings a chick,

where the black chick that answered the ad comes down. You know. There's always a black chick in the ad. Because I know you like black women. I know you like ethnic women. I don't want some fucking skinny white chick with freckles. But then at the end of the show you're like, I turned her away.

I saved you this week. Well, I know when you, I know nights that you're not ready for. You're ready for it now. You weren't ready for it six months ago. What do you hear from Ashley? Anything? No.

That's done. See? See when I taught you? You could have sucked you. You could have put your fucking ball sack in her mouth when she was sleeping. No, you can't. And she was gonna go away anyway.

She was gonna go away anyway. Yeah, but if I had done that, she would have called the police first. No, she wouldn't have called the police. She would have been too busy. She would have been too busy fucking putting listerine and fucking gasoline in her mouth. I'm gonna taste those Jew nuts.

You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. Can you imagine that? You could have fucking put your nut sack in her mouth and just fucking fist fucked it right there and then gut stomped her. It's Wednesday, Lee. Take the stick out of your ass, cock.

Suck it. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Let me get some shot out. I don't know how you even work that. You have to put them in like a ball. How do you put your balls in the mouth and then also fist fuck her? You got to be prepared.

You got to put your balls out and get ready to attack. So you got to like go over to her and creep the blanket off slowly. And then you'll see the thong. You'll see the leg drop. You help the leg drop. Then you go up to her like a 69.

And you dip in your roll. Like your house is on fire. So what's that tuck and roll? Oh my God. So boom, you ram the legs. That's a terrible way to wake up. You roll, you eat them. What?

You never put your nut sacks in. Your girlfriend's mouth to wake up? No. Oh my, they love it. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Let's say they're sleeping. And they got their little mouth open.

You just kneel up to the bed and put that nut right there. You don't put it on their nut. Get the oeuvre of the nut to go into that mouth. You know what I'm saying? Like when you put something in from your mouth to get the oeuvre, that's a word I learned in France in 82.

The oeuvre from the nut right there next to the cheek. Yeah. And then she'll go. And right there she'll lick it. And it's like a tic-tac. She'll know immediately what it is and you just dump that fucking nut sack right into her mouth.

And it's all over, but the shot will end. They love that shit. It's like a fucking bagel without the bagel. You know what I'm talking about? No, yes. Get it together. There's no way people like that. Not people.

Women. Some women. You just got to ask them first. You like a nut in your mouth for breakfast? Like, you know, would you like great coupon? Same fucking difference. Matt Baltasar. I love you, cocksucker.

Brenda's Brew. Jesse Skinnywy. Jason Anderson. Badandi. I love you too. Ashley Sharice and her husband, you bad motherfuckers. Adam Billion. I love you.

Keep slinging fucking dick, you know what I'm saying? We're all the same. That's why I do this fucking podcast. I do this podcast because we put our pants on the lake with the fuck. Well, for years, I was fucked. I walked around intimidated and scared and I had my doubts.

Fuck these bitches. Everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time. These people walked around. They're condescending because they got three dollars. They're condescending because they're fucking scared. They're scared because we're going to fucking find them out one day and we're going to fucking stab and take everything from them, the cocksuckers that they are.

Bunch of fucking little faggots. I hate these fucking cocksuckers. It's Wednesday, May 14th. The day the devil was buried to sea and they pulled his fucking wig off as an attachments. They even cut his tail and beat him with it. That's how we roll here. Little shout-outs to the...

What, Lee? What? What the fuck do you want to tell me today? Poor devil. The fuck the devil? He's a devil. You know what was coming? They cut his tail off and beat him with it.

That's right. What do you want to do? He wants to show up and put the malook on people and show up without a fucking weaver. You got to show up with a weaver if you want to put the malook on people. On it.com. I tell you once, I tell you a thousand fucking times.

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Go to naturesbox.com. When they press the box. They're pressing Joey. Joey, what the fuck? You're making me get all hot and bothered here. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Thank God for the air conditioning.

That's right. We got fucking air conditioning in this office. That other fucking office. Can you imagine what they would have been like? What? It would have been a thousand degrees. Oh please, you've been sitting in there like three fucking Jews.

You know what I'm saying? In 42, whatever the fuck when it was. I don't have a history lesson. Number two, you want a history lesson? Oh my God. Dollar fucking shave club. Dollar fucking shave club. A dollar, six dollars and nine dollars.

That's how I roll. And every month you get brand new raises sent to your house. You don't have to go out. You don't got to fucking go to a store. You don't have to stand online with some guy. Excuse me. Do you know the differences

between the six cents on nine ounce? I have a fucking coupon for the three ounce. Really? Why don't you? Yesterday, I was at the yoga place. And I go in there with my wife and my daughter. And I get a little cup of yoga as a sample. And I give it to Mercy and she loses her fucking mind.

Loses her mind. She got no patience. She wants it now. Now. And I'm like, Mercy, hold on. I had to get the cop and pour it. And the girl comes over. She's like, excuse me, little girl.

Would you like a sticker? And Mercy looked at her like, why don't you take that sticker and stow it up your twat twice, you fuck. I'm over here looking at this black and white. For it was delicious. It was ice cream, sandwich, yogurt. Oh nice. Oh, I gave her a little sample.

She, I don't eat that shit. I eat the low fat with the fucking, you know, you don't me, I'm trying to fucking be Johnny healthy. But it's a weird how when people come up to you and you're having like a little attack, like you just now, what am I? Anyway, what was I talking about? About dollar shave club.

Go to dollar shave club. Go to the box, press in. Church. Boom. And you get your special price. We go $1, $6 or $9 every fucking month. That's on a monthly. That means 12 times nine is what, Lee?

72. 108. 108. 12 times nine? Yeah. Seven times nine. Yeah. You're right.

108. What do you think you're dealing with? What do you think you're dealing with? And dollar shave club also has the shave butter and they got the, what else? The One Wipe Charlies. The One Wipe Charlies. They work for your fucking asshole, your helmet.

Let's say you had a rough day. You want to get your balls licked. You've been in the car all day. You got the One Wipe Charlie right in the car. You, you clean around the fucking shaft and the helmet, your polishing, you throw it out the window. Boom. Who's better than you?

And also to my people at naileditlife.com get 20% off. Nailed it life is how I live without nailed it life, without these fucking V pens and the fucking oils. I wouldn't have made it people. I was still been smoking dope and I would have had no lung power. You know, and I know a lot of you people like Joe, you're a fucking pussy. You're a faggot.

Hey, I got to do this for you. You want me living? You want me sounding right? I would have been here huffing and fucking puffing. And I got to tell you, my jujitsu has improved 100%. I'm looking at different avenues now. I got to start. I got to make it on an ending.

It's really interesting that I've been doing this lately and I'm doing this for you people to show you that change is possible at any age, man. 50 fucking one I go in there, $60 a month. Don't complain to me about money. It's not like I'm going to one of the top schools and paying 220 and 250. I didn't want to do that for anybody.

I wanted to start small and just getting fucking shaped. For me, it's getting in shape. I don't want to be in competitions. I don't want to choke nobody out. I just want to breathe and take the free away from me being on my back from sleep apnea. That was basically it. Besides that, I don't know what the fuck to tell you people, man.

We had a great week this week. We talked about black people. We talked about more black people. We talked about fucking fear. We talked about the cops and fucking hitting people and getting shot. You live by the sword, you die by the sword. This is a karma based fucking podcast leader, right?

Which means I do this, everything about the fucking book. Okay? I worry about people. I want everything in my path. I don't want no drama in my fucking path. So to have no drama, you can't create drama. Right. You know?

And whatever. People don't like me if they get mad at me. I don't give a fuck no more. I was a little upset on Monday morning because I called. A few people had been friends for a long time. They just blew me off. And I shouldn't take that on the people on the podcast. And I'm very sorry for my behavior.

On Monday, I'm just fired up like that. I'm passionate. Right. And that's it. That's what fucking makes us different. If you're passionate, be fucking passionate. Politically correct, people don't want me to be passionate. I can't yell.

I can't say fuck. I can't say you're going to die. And I'm not going to die because I'm going to fucking sit there and compress and hold everything in. That's why you're not fucking quiet. That's the beauty of it. How fucking stoned are you? I'm pretty stoned.

What I want to do is, for people who don't know, we're going to set up stations in this office, you keep karate chopping. Can we set up like with two cinder blocks? I want a board breaking station for you. When you're angry, just go over there. Karate chop. What are these stations?

What is this? A fucking church? A 12 stations? Yeah, I'll go over there with a camera and you know, hiya! And karate chop through boards. How about a karate chop being a fucking neck cut? That's what you always say.

So instead, we're going to put the flag in here so we start saluting. As a matter of fact, the national anthem today because I've had it. That's it. It's that day today. I'm still looking for a breaking station. I don't give a fuck, all right?

If you're going to be in America, don't break fucking boards, all right? We shoot them. We fucking shoot them. We don't have time to karate chop boards. We're fucking Americans here. We shoot them. Okay?

May 14th, and I've been slipping lately. You got to get up. Hold on to your hearts. Hold on to your fucking hearts, cocked up there because it all starts right there. Put your right hand on your heart and put your left hand on your nut sack or your vagina and look up and say fucking God,

thank you for giving us another fucking day. You bad motherfucker in the baddest fucking country in the world. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to go out there. We're going to be homeless. We can take it up the ass or we can run a pimp store massage parlor.

This is what a peanut American is all about. You got options, motherfuckers. You want to go to school or you want to be a stupid fuck and let people give you coins? I went to see a country. Get the fuck out of my face. Lift some weights.

Get out there. Eat healthy. Love your neighbor. Calm as a motherfucker. Walk your dog. Hug your cat. If a neighbor's wife wants to suck your dick, what are you going to do?

You're human, but you're a fucking American. And that's all that matters at the end of the week. I have problems, but I'm proud. That's what keeps me honest is I'm a fucking American. I salute you, you bad motherfuckers. Sir, international listeners,

like face towards Washington DC? No, I love them too. That's part of it. An American is being a state of mind. You know, it's so funny how when we hear somebody with an English accent, and I love the English, I love the fucking Irish,

I love the Canadians, I love you in fucking UK, I love you in Finland, Norway, I love Denmark, I did a book report. I love you, motherfuckers, the Australians.

You know it. You feel it. You feel it, man. That's why we watch this fucking show. And someday we're all gonna get together and stab and fuck. I'm getting emotional. Yeah, I can't do this in the morning.

I have shit to do today, cocksucker. I love you guys. Have a great fucking week. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now. We're just having a good time today. They all can't be fucked up. Karma is your friend.

Fuck it. Don't kick the cat. You'll be fine. And now this fucking hasn't broken. Is it show over? It's over. What do you want to talk about? I got nothing to say.

I don't know. What the fuck? I still think we should have a board breaking station. A board breaking station. Don't forget to sign up for DollarShaveClub.com. You'll get a high quality razor-sensate door every month for a fraction when you pay at retail. Now go to DollarShaveClub.com forward slash church

or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. And now that the show is over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks murder in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey.

That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And go to knowthelife.com and mention Joey Diaz for 20% off of the best made prepared on the market. You want to say goodbye? Yeah, you know I love them. They know I love them. All right.

Why am I looking at my fucking email? This guy wants me to show up. Oh shit. Oh shit. You're feeling Minnesota but whatever. You're looking Minnesota but feeling Minnesota. California, you bad motherfuckers. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Hey, I feel it, I feel it, I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine I am I am Someone left the gold down, but so you wear the trophies The grass is always greener, well, but don't you shed it, oh, yeah Well, I feel it, I'm sober, even though I'm breaking, but I can't get any lower Still I feel I'm singing So now you know who gets to be so fine

So now you know who gets to be so fine Show me the power of child, I'd like to say that I'm down on each new day It gives me the butterflies, gives me the way, and I'm up on my freedom again I feel it, I feel it, I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine I'll shine Oh, yeah I'll shine Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah

Show me the power of child, I'd like to say that I'm down on each new day Yeah, it gives me the butterflies, gives me a way Till I'm up on my feet again I'm feeling, I'm feeling Show me the power child, I'd like to say That I'm down on my knees today Yeah, it gives me the butterflies, gives me a way Till I'm up on my feet again

I'm feeling, I'm feeling I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine, I'll shine