Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #177 | The Best of THE CHURCH!

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

Welcome to the JOEY DIAZ Channel…. It’s Monday, July 4th.... Happy Independence Day! We’re taking the week off from The JOINT so please enjoy some of our favorite moments from THE CHURCH, The National Anthem Edition! Clips Taken from: Episode 522 - JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24KmtN-M0v4 Episode 212 - BERT KREISCHER - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsuFaf3F56U Episode 180 - SARAH TIANA - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R1a1kKfe5Q Episode 799 - ELEANOR KERRIGAN - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqvJ6qfA-fU Episode 229 - SAM TRIPOLI - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdwjO9XAaCU&t=4885s Episode 495 - MARTIN MORENO - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T332eFZP1hw Episode 245 - BILLY CORBEN - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKi-tgE-Rag&t=5640s This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurchOfWhatsHappeningNow The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

We're going in like fucking marines, you understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Hey, let me tell you something. Hit it, Lee. Get up, cock-suckers, it's all over. Listen, we had a rough couple of months. Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria, the other one, Puerto Rico, Houston, fucking Florida. Listen, it's been tough up to now, the earthquake in Mexico.

You know, the White House, whoever the fuck is going on, but it don't matter. They want to shoot, it's time for us to fucking shoot, cock-suckers. They want to get down and dirty. Don't forget who the fuck we are, you understand me? We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. You send a message to that fucking North Korean. He's going to be sniffing my dick and sucking my asshole. That's the focus.

We're going to North Korea like a year. It's going to be an island. It's going to glow in the dark. You know why? Because we're Americans, cock-suckers. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Stop with the gun control. They're selling them more guns than ever the last three days. Stop with the fucking whining.

Stop with the Russians on Facebook. I don't give a fuck. Worry about yourself. Keep your eyes open and get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking Twitter, cock-sucker. Stay black. I know. I got to go to bed. Where are you going? I got to get fucking early workout class tomorrow, Joey.

CT scan. Hey, for those of you who... The last time you came, you're on a cleanse. You're drinking water with garlic in it. Every time you come, you come with something. Come when you're drinking. I want you to be festive. I'm going to...

Hey, that's next week. I'll come back next week. All of a sudden, you're taking an insurance thing. You should have told me. Joey, I can't go to the neck of that. I'm taking an insurance thing. I'm lesioning you to fucking help him find self. Poor Lee, we're looking forward to, you know, for you to get fucked up.

Get fucked up on the bicycle and get hit. Oh, I told him when I started working out that I was going to get a bike. And he said, no. And then he called me back like 20 minutes later. He's like, let me explain myself. These idiots are like... Let me explain myself. These idiots can't drive normally.

Now you're going to bike. You're going to get fucking hit. And then we can't do the podcast. I'm going to be at the hospital. We're going to do the podcast so you can't ride a bike. So when he told me you were going to bike here, I'm like, oh, no. Because I knew he hates bikers. He makes me fucking nervous, man.

I just had a phone in the skateboard one time. I had a coffee with him. He looked at my skateboard for an hour. He was like, I don't want to skateboard. You're an adult. Leave the skateboard at home. Hey, for those of you asking, when I said I was making $1,200 a week doing stand-up and saying it wasn't much money, you're forgetting to incorporate that we have to

pay agents, taxes, managers, and for our flights and our plane tickets. And a fucking plane ticket. So it wills down to, you should know how little $750 comes turns out. It used to piss me off when I would work. My last job, I was making $1,300 a week. And by the time taxes got done, it was $900. And I can't imagine, that was just enough to pay my bills. I can't imagine having a wife and two kids.

And then agents and managers. You're talking about 35% right off the top. Right off the top, it's gone. Yeah. And then you're talking about another 50% or 30% for taxes, whatever. Whatever. Are you going to this store now? Yeah, I'm going to go down there and fuck around and do my spot bomb.

But I'm getting stronger every day. I don't give a fuck. Are you around next week? Last night, he was amazing. Are you around next week? Yeah. Yeah, let's do my house. I'll do over your house.

Nice. We'll bring the flying jewelry. He has to eat all the fucking edible. Well, we got to eat this one tonight. No, no, no. I want to see you guys kill it. No, why would you do that? Look at how fucking lucid Joey is.

Look at me. Yo, that's Joey. Let's eat another one. Let's finish it. Let's finish it. Why don't you finish it? Because he's got the fucking CT scan and the fucking life internal. Let's go for it.

No, I can't. I can't have any more of that. Guys, guys. You go home. You go home. I'd say. It's not the fact that I'm going. No, no, no.

What's the matter? I'm already so high. Let's do another half and all you've done is one. You did one whole one. I did fucking one and a half and two. You're going to leave me like this? What are you scared of? I'm going to leave you like that.

I need to feed it. Dude, because I'm already too high. So what? I need to feed it to Michael Jackson's own. You know what I'm saying? And die? You can't die from it. You can't die from it.

The only way weed can kill you is if it's shot out of a cannonball. That's out of a cannonball. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. Mmm. This smells fucking delicious. Private reserve.

Private reserve. Fucking sunset. They're good. They're good, dog. There's some good fucking, that place in San Diego that sent us weed with Jessica. Oh, nice. That alpha point that had some private reserve, they were good too. They got some good weed out there, but you got to get, let's kill this out of respect.

They really killed the devil. Let's kill it. You can go right home. Jews don't believe in the devil. Yes, they do. They are the devil. You fucking Jew cock fuck. I love you.

Burke Christi. Thank you very much for coming on the church. Thank you. I love you guys a lot. Have a great weekend. We will be back Monday night or whatever. We don't fucking know yet till next week. Who cares?

Who gives a fuck? Have a great weekend. Stay black. Tomorrow's a tough day for our country. Today's a tough day for our country. It is what it is. We're America bitches. As a matter of fact, the national anthem.

Oh, why? Let's go. We're going to open up with the national anthem. Public domain. And no faggy fucking harps and people singing. No, I got it saved. I want the good fucking national anthem. And not Neil Diamond.

Are you ready? Let's do this. It's September 11, people. It's September 11. I know 10, 12 years ago we had disaster and these fucking momos were walking around. What are we going to do? Terrorists. Even terrorists is the fear you have of yourself.

We're fucking Americans. You take that plane to hit the World Trade Centers and you stick that up somebody's fucking asshole. We're Americans, bitch. Don't you ever fucking forget that. That means we do what the fuck we want to do. We're Americans. Fuck ISIS. Fuck terrorists.

Fuck Terrapins. Fuck everybody. I hate all you motherfuckers. We're fucking Americans. That means nobody fucking stops us. We want our dicks up. We get our dicks up. That's what an American does.

Ask the fucking pilgrims. Fuck 9-11. Fuck the pilgrims. Fuck 9-11. It'll never happen again. We're America. You don't ever have to be afraid again. Fuck Obama.

Fuck them all. We're Americans, you son of a bitch. Grab your guns. Go shoot somebody. And you don't know a good rivers. Fuck Joe Rivers. I'm not Joe Rivers. Fuck Joe Rivers.

I don't know her. I don't know her. Wait. Are we done? Are we done? Oh, okay. So. Oh my goodness.

Where's the music? Oh shit. I forgot. Jesus Christ almighty. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ almighty. See, I'm fucking saying it. Get up, cocksuckers.

Salute the flag. Get up, everybody. Get up. It's Memorial Day weekend. I'm sure you had a grandpa who killed the Japanese persons. I'm sure you had an uncle who stabbed the Puerto Rican in the heart. Something. Get up.

It's not about potato salads and cheeseburgers, you fucks. It's about being a fucking American. A state of mind. You need to be born in America to be an American. You just need to get up in the morning, grab your balls and look at the flag and look at Jesus and say, you know what? I got this, cocksuckers. I don't need no fucking welfare check.

I'm a savage. All I need is a fucking knife, a spear, and a fuck. I don't even know what I need no more. You know what I'm saying? It's Sunday, special edition Memorial Day weekend. Get your shit together. It's like whatever. I don't.

There was a comedy show called the degenerates of comedy. You did it. Did any of the comics get offended? You called us degenerates. We are, for the most part, we are. We're fucking animals on the road. I mean, I can't say that about women all the time because we're on the road a little bit more nervous than a male comic.

Of course, 10 times over. And it's still a bar. It's a bar. It's a nightclub. They're partying. It still doesn't matter. It doesn't excuse what I did next week. And it's not going to excuse what's about to happen in the next couple of weeks because

they made a lot of calls. And you don't want, it's, I didn't get one fucking call. You know why? Because I wouldn't push a negative narrative. And that's what they want. They want anything. Negative. They want anything negative.

You know, I would love, I wish people address it, you know, in the right way. I haven't remembered, you know, I had to look back and go, well, I think of a couple situations. One of, one, which I spoke with the podcast, I'm not going to tell the name to give you ammunition. I spoke with a person that had a problem when I first met her. We were doing a couple of lines of coke and I told her she had nice titties and she played it off like, you know, nobody's ever told me this before. You're a pig. Really?

Well, this. Oh, I love shock. I love shock. That's just what I know about you. Yeah. And then a couple of weeks later I got on a party and I see it with somebody and it's like, you were trying to play fucking Virgin Mary and you got busted. I'm not afraid.

But I, that's just what I'm saying. Like everybody right now feels like they're all in shock. Like, oh my God, this happens at nightclubs. Oh my God. What does comics talk dirty? Comics embellish. Fuck you. I got emails that would, it would make you fucking.

I will be, listen, I will be, not one person has called me about anything from the comedy star. I'm not calling anybody who matters. Well, but here's the thing. I've been there from now. I don't have any credits like that. Everybody who, I mean, I've heard in these articles and these interviews that Adam's name has come up.

And I don't know why. This is crazy. Adam Engle's name has come up. Who's the sweetest guy in the world? Adam R. Adam. Adam. What did you call him? Adam Engle.

I don't fucking know. Adam Eget. Eget. Whatever. eBay. Just call him eBay. Come up to that and said, what are you talking about? Why is his name?

Because if he, here's the thing, like back in the day, girls would come up to me and be like, how do I get spots? How do I get spots? How do I get a showcase? How do I get whatever it was? Like whether they were past and not getting spots or whether they were trying to get past, right? Cause both happen.

When you can get past, like Mitzi said, she would be like, I made a mistake on that after I saw him and she'd stop giving them spots. One person, one guy got really pissed off and went to Mitzi and was like, why am I not getting spots? And she goes, okay, I'll have you re-showcase. And then she unpassed that motherfucker for making her sit through that. And it was the only person I ever saw her do that to, but it made me laugh. So I would immediately tell people, don't talk to Mitzi if you've been past.

Here's little tricks you can do. Like, and it was something as simple as send Scott some tequila or wine. That's what I did. I would tell people all the time, send cigarette, whatever it was that the town coordinator could casually bring your name up in front of Mitzi and spark her memory, whether it good or bad, it'll work. And it did. So then people would say, how can I get spots?

Should I fuck this guy? This guy told me if I blow him that he'll help me. And I go, who would help you if you, no, he's going to come and forget you. And I go, if you want to know who to fuck to get into the club, if it's not Mitzi sure, you're doing it wrong. Cause she's the only one that can put you on stage up until she got real, real sick. And Tommy started, there was one time when me and Corey, one week where Mitzi was real sick in the late nineties, and she was, she went to get stem cell injections.

I think Bob Wheeler took her and she was, you know, it was her first like bout with this bullshit, her sickness. And so she asked us to do the lineup and we, Corey and I were devastated, nervous wreck. We didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. We love everybody. So we copied Mitzi's format. That was one week. We still weren't in charge of anything really.

We just copied Mitzi's format. And then if we joke about this all the time, or at least Rick and I do on the comedy store podcast, how when she came back and started doing it, she literally would just go to AIDS. So it would be like Aaron Cater, Ahmed Ahmed, like whoever was fucking AIDS got on the lineup. Cause she was getting, her health was declining. So then Tommy Duncan left, Tommy got in there. And then once he saw that she was really, really declining and he started doing the lineup, he would then unfortunately fuck with people.

And yeah, well, you know, if you do this, you know, he had his own narrative and his favorites were Whitney and Crystal Lea. And Mitzi didn't pass them, Tommy did, technically, like whatever. And because he saw these are going to be the future or whatever. He saw something in them and he was passing and he was a dick to a lot of people. He was, but he was the town coordinator and technically she gave him the reins to do that. And the only other person that had that was Adam because he was thrown into it. But Adam showcases people, he doesn't give sexual fucking favors for getting stage time.

And he doesn't not give you stage time if you didn't give him or don't like him. Cause I've had people come up to me and be like, he doesn't like me. He doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't like your stand up. You're taking a personal, like he asked you out and you said, no. And now you think that's why you're not getting, say, you're not funny. You need to fucking reevaluate or you could be funny. But just maybe he doesn't think you're funny enough for the lineups he's putting together.

And if you're fucking heard by that, fuck you. I'm sorry. Would you go to every casting director and be like, how did I not get in this movie? I'm perfect for it. And then just be like, well, it's because I was supposed to go out with him or I was supposed to go out with her and now they're holding a grudge. That's not how it works. I don't know.

I'm rattling, but I'm pissed. That's why you're absolutely right. Cause I'm pissed. It's just, you're changing, you're changing the narrative. With what is going on with Chris, like I said, I'm thrilled these girls spoke up, right? And if he did something bad, that will fucking come out. It will happen. You will get your justice, but don't change it and take away from something that needs

to be dealt with for real because you didn't get fucking spots at the comedy store. Stop it. And now one person has come to me and said, no, that's not true because you know that because they know, I know the real truth. I, I watched it even with Adam. I've been doing stand up for 13 years. Adam took over probably what six years ago, seven years ago, six ish seven. Yeah.

So, and he was thrown into it reluctantly. He did not want to do this. He did not want that job. Nobody wants that fucking job. Nobody wants the job of telling you're good enough to get on this lineup or you're not man or woman. And the other thing is with the women, they're trying to fucking men and women are all the same where there is no gender.

But then when there's a fucking problem, all of a sudden there's a gender, right? All of a sudden these are males or monsters and they're trying to hurt women. And not all males are assholes. I have six brothers. I would say some of them are assholes. Some of them aren't. You know, whatever. I, I don't, I'm again, I'm really, I'm flipping out because I just don't know what.

I'm just happy that you were there at 97 to 2000. You witnessed me. You witnessed me at my lowest points on drugs. Yeah. And to say I fucked my way in, I've heard that one too because I slept with Dice. That's my second ex-fiancé. I wasn't even doing stand-up when I was with Dice. And when I started doing stand-up, respectfully, because he was the higher up technically, not

because he's male, just because he's fucking Andrew Dice Clay and he started at the comedy store. So when I started doing it, I called him and I called Mitzi because I have respect for them and I didn't want them to think, oh, I'm fucking crazy. I'm going to go there because I'm Dice's ex and I'm going to fuck with him and stay at the store or, uh, you know, I'm an ex-waitress and I want to fucking piss off Mitzi by doing stand-up. I didn't do it for the wrong reasons.

I called them to say, hey, I'm going to try this. Is this okay if I come to the store? I asked permission and Mitzi let me, she told me to do the belly room and I did. And then she showcased, I showcased three or three times for Mitzi. It took me three years to get past and I was her personal assistant. I did everything. I went out of the country with Mitzi. Like we were tight.

So with Andrew, he took me on the road and I didn't do, I got booed off the stage and he put me in the fucking back burner for a year and then I had to re-showcase for him. So don't tell me I didn't do the fucking legwork and that I fucked my way into a comedy store paid regular because I'll beat the shit out of you. One, two, I worked my ass off for it. Everything I got. And there's a lot of women that they talk like that about. And one of them is Whitney Cummings that came, somebody said it to me and I thought,

fuck you, man. We were in the same show, that bitch worked every, I wake up and I say, what would Whitney do? That's how I fucking think. Whether you like her stand up or not. Do I think Whitney's the funniest person on the planet? No, but I think she's fucking brilliant. She puts her time and she puts her fucking time in and bust her goddamn ass.

She wasn't, she was sleeping with regular fucking guys like the rest of us. Nobody special. I can think of four, four, three different guys that she was dating. They were regular fucking guys. They weren't, they didn't have any power. She was just smarter than you and you don't fucking like it. She said something to me that made sense for you, Eliza. Eliza too.

Eliza's fucking great. Ally Wong. She said. Leslie Jones? Who the fuck did Leslie fuck? Leslie's phenomenal. She said, when you come to this town and you go to the commie store, you have two decisions. You can either suck dick or put your ponytail into the hat and become one of the guys.

You've done that. You're one of the guys. I've tucked my dick. You know why? Because you had nine brothers. And you know exactly how they talk. They scratch their balls. They sniff their fingers.

They're monsters. But I love them. They would tell you right in front of them how they fucked the neighbor in the ass in the capital. Fuck yeah. She was half retarded. I said. Fuck yeah.

And you laughed a little bit, but that was what, you know, that they said coerced. There was no need to coerce nobody. Nobody coerced. These girls were willing. God bless them. I mean, there was many others and I've heard many other stories. And like I said, I'm not here with this podcast. Now the next step is where this goes.

Where does this go? If it goes any further, it's dumb. I got to be honest. It's going to go further. It's going to go further. Pick apart every person, anybody that's ever laughed at Richard Pryor should be executed then. He grew up in a whorehouse.

It's going to go further. And that's how he saw women. It's going to go further. And at least for me, it is. They made some calls. They called Seattle to see why I left Seattle, you know, where they worried you have a fucking past. You're pretty open about it.

Oh, I am. They're going after clubs for certain reasons for not doing. I heard this in an email, a stricter background checks in the comics to make sure that's sexual predators. Like now they have us. They have. Oh my God. How the fuck are we going to prevent that?

About that. Wednesday, I celebrate 20 years of my girlfriend. When you saw us. Terry. My girlfriend. It's your wife. Fucker. And my head.

I was like, but we were together 20 years. Wow. So you got to remember when I started dating Terry, I was still snorting coke. But I was at the store and I couldn't really do nothing because now she'd know it. She was right there watching me. Yeah. So for you motherfuckers that want to say something and Terry don't fuck around, Terry don't fuck around.

Terry was the, if I work five nights, Terry, she will fuck you up. Yeah. That's my girl. I love Terry. Like Terry worked five nights. I need a little national anthem real quickly because there's something we got to talk about people that have and do's and nots and dots. We got to do some national anthem.

I don't know. Any dates coming up? No, you fuckers. They canceled everything. No, not till SIP. No. I'm in. When is it?

Shit. August 6th. I'm at Phoenix at the House of Comedy August, but that's not till August. My July date got canceled in Vancouver and we'll retweet it. I love it. Thank you so much. And no, I'm happy to have you on today because I want to. Sorry if I went off a little bit.

No, you were there. Okay. You were there. My wife was there. Terry. What the fuck they're going to come up with because I got a thousand stories. I got a million that call me whatever story you want to come up with. There's got to be a back end to it.

About six months ago, I get home way before COVID November. Okay. And some girl who lost, you know, what is she's a cute blonde girl. She was married to an owner of a comedy club. And I always considered her a dear friend. I saw her at the ha ha when I was trying to make a comeback and I wasn't going to the store. And one night I go on Twitter on a Saturday, it's got to be 1130 and I read her tweet,

which says Joey once went into a bathroom in the back of a bus when I was in the bathroom. And I thought about it for a second and I go, always shit. That's right. And 98. We were doing a Roger Paul gig. Oh, wow. Back at the bus and I had to go to the bathroom and when she found out I had a package, she asked me to do a package, so usually do a package in the bathroom.

So I go, you didn't mention what we're doing in the package. You're just going to all of a sudden, we're only going to put out half the story. Everything's half the fucking story. So I was like, fuck, you know, fuck this shit that I wrote to have a package. So I know that, uh, you know, what they're trying to leave it out to make them look good. But again, we got 20 years right here. I got 20 years where I've been with at the house.

My wife was a waitress at the store and you mother fuckers want to raise your hand. Come on, wait a bit. There was a friend of ours who recently died, a big guy. His wife became a saint all of a sudden, she doesn't know she's trash, spitting the grave before she got smacked around at the store. Yeah. She got smacked around a couple of places. So for her to raise.

Yeah. For me, from me, that's time. Yeah. That's this time. But this, this is the thing with Terry. Terry was there when we were all, just so you know, the cesspool, the comedy world is and a nightclub becomes when you're there all the time. There was part where we had a herpes outbreak because we were all fucking each other.

And uh, I'm up, well, I wasn't really in that part, but I was in that and we all had to go get tested for herpes. And I don't want this to reflect on the store or any other place. No, no, no. I'm telling you, every nightclub has this. This is a bar. Yes. Are we going to close every nightclub?

Love. There was a lot of love there. There's still is a lot of love there. You know, I feel bad for Delia and all this when we have to go back. But these stories we're talking about. Change. Oh yeah. We'll be back.

No, but I'm saying this. I'm in a few weeks. They won't, they won't happen any. They don't happen as much as they used to because they're people don't realize the cameras at the store. You just can't get. Missy was sick. She wasn't there.

She wasn't watching. You get picked up. You get your subject at the store now. You pop up when somebody zoom, whether they're talking to the grandmother, the final steps out of Lori Kilmartin, God bless her Lori phenomenal, dying of COVID. There you are. Dicks up in the bathroom in the main room squirting some girls eyeball and telling you is there a napkin back here and you're like, nah, not really.

It's a little, they got light bulbs though. You want to wipe your eyeball with any dates? So you got June, July, I mean, July got canceled. I'm sorry. I'm at the house of comedy in August. I believe it's August 6th, 7th and 8th. Let's keep your motherfucking prayers open. We got July 21st at Oxnard.

That's where they'll start. And then hopefully July 29th through August 1st and prayer. If the COVID disappears, if you motherfuckers don't start marching against something else next week, you know, Martian lives matter. Let's do that one because a marching got fucking run over in New Mexico. How about fucking anything? Don't joke about that, Joey. Don't joke about that.

You're being insensitive to Martians. I know. Fuck them too. All they've ever done is fucking create people go crazy. I saw Martian. I saw Martian. Him and Bigfoot fucking both. And I love you at all my heart.

I appreciate the video. I appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you for people watching. Because these motherfuckers obviously don't know. And number two, let me explain some to you. Hit me with the national anthem. I stand.

You got to find the good one because I feel like I have to stand. I got nervous. I want to find no flutes. My dad is a Marine. It's got America flag on. That's the one. Real quick. No, that's like a talk over this.

Get up, you fucks. It's Monday, the 30th, whatever the fuck it is of June, enough is enough already. For three months we've been living in fucking misery, confusion, we're broke, we're hungry. We want fucking answers. Stop blaming China. Stop it. Stay in your house. Move out of that fucking apartment.

But most importantly, social distance. And most importantly, beside that, this is a crucial fucking situation. If some of yous are not happy, put your fucking mask on. You fucking maggot motherfuckers. Let me tell you something. You think I like putting a fucking mask on? I don't like putting a mask on. I got to smell my own breath, 50 years of rotten teeth, and assholes, and the niggas

fucking breath, and fucking noses. I don't want to smell the fucking breath either, but you have to do it. Why? Because we're trying to keep each other alive. How can we be so fucking selfish? You know what? You want to go to the bar, go fuck yourself, go to the liquor store, buy a bottle like every other American, and go outside and get three or four of your friends, and get fucked

up. No more fucking parties, no more get-togethers. I don't want to see no black chicks twinking with your ass up and down. They told you you can't eat ass. And here you are, spreading those asshole germs up in the air. I feel bad for midgets. You fucking filthy fucking animals. So do me one favor whether you agree or disagree.

When you're home, when you're scratching your balls, listen, I wouldn't put a mask on either. I farted, and I can smell the fart through the fucking mask. So if I can fart and smell it through the mask outside at the park, that means you can maybe get a little coronavirus. No, you can't get the coronavirus. What I'm telling you is it's a public fucking nuisance now. Pretty soon people are going to start getting hit in the head with fucking karate elbows and shit.

Keep your mask on. Fourth of July is coming. Do you want to be fucking caught up in the Fourth of July? Where's the music? I'm sorry, it's over. Where's the music bubble? Start it again. Where's the music?

We're Americans. We've got to fucking join in now, and enough is enough. Put on your fucking mask. It's not self-respect. It's not respect for us. It's starting to be respect for ourselves. I wear a map. Put it on more.

I want to hear more. I'm getting fired up here. Don't make me fucking get a bottle rocket and cutting a nap and make it taste different breathless after fucking groups. You understand me? Get that mask. Put it on and shut your fucking mouth. You fucking little animals in Miami.

You fucking jungle Spanish people down there. You should wear a mask as day one. When I came from Cuba, they put a mask and goggles on me. That's how contagious I was, all right? So go fuck yourself. Don't make me break out the goggles. You fucking immigrant fucks. You're lucky you're here.

Put on a fucking mask. It's a fucking right. And everybody else, you fucking white people that think you're better than everybody because you pay taxes and you fucking drive a priest. So what? Go fuck yourself. Put on your mask. Black people, they're trying to kill us.

Put on your mask. If it ain't a fucking cop, it's a bullet. Now it's some Chinese doing a laboratory trying to kill you. And Mexicans, first of all, if three is over 200 pounds, I don't want to see it together. Every time I see seven fat Mexicans, COVID is coming. It took out a family down in Orange County. If you're seven, they eat Mexicans and you're heavy, knock it off. Get three skinny cousins who just got here and ran to three miles.

No more than four fat Mexicans can get together. And that's Cuban, Salvadoranians. You Puerto Ricans too. You're not excluded. You have black and you have Spanish. You guys, they're rolling the dice down there in Puerto Rico. Put your fucking mask on. Social distance and have a little fucking respect.

You see a line fuck six feet, ten feet. Put on your mask. I don't enjoy it either. Look at me. I look like a fucking... I look like I just got out to fucking suck in 300 dicks is what you look like when they throw you out. What happened to him?

They ran a train through him last night at the gay bar with 300 dicks. I don't like wearing a mask. Does it say in the American Constitution, no, but right now, as Americans, what's going on in the numbers in Florida, Texas, Arizona and California, where you're fucking mask. It's Monday. Go out there and be a fucking champion. The church, what's happened now, thanks you. I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan.

I want to thank fucking Lee Lee Leland and I want to thank you guys for all the support of what's going on in each other's lives. You need comedy. I got the fucking answer. You understand me? But it all starts with the mask. I don't give a fuck. You're going to hate me for this, but it's part of the church, us.

We got to be Marines in this shit. We put on our mask. Have a great week. Have a great Monday. God bless you. Kick this motherfucking meal, Lee. Get this fucking mask off me. Oh, C-H-U-R-C-H in the box like a motherfucker and start with their 10% off.

You like the product? They got to stay on a product where they send it right to your fucking house every month on the first. You don't have to dick. You don't leave the house. You got to click on the page. They'll send you the hemp protein to your house. They'll send you the alpha brain to your house.

They'll send you your shroom tech. You'll be walking around like Kip Koop Kadoop. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? Lisa, how high are you? I'm really high. Look at the, what the fuck? 10 milligrams.

You are high dog. 10 milligrams. At least give me the credit I deserve. That was, like what, 70? It was 70. If we split it, it's 35. You look like a happy Jacker lanter. I've never told you that.

I feel. You weigh 35 milligrams. Okay. And the joint. I'm like, out of here, this is East Bay Grown. So he gave me a nice present. I forgot to call you and thank you. I got the stuff in my wallet.

Let me see if I can have a little wallet holder. I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be here loving vain. You know what I'm saying? It's not like you're not high. These people took good care of me. Do you get hot? How often do you get highly whenever I'm with him?

You get high every day. He's got to go to debt school here. You know, this ain't no. What happens if the Russians get you? They're going to give you goulash? What? They're going to make you smoke dope every day. And you're going to be prepared.

They can't trick you. They're going to tell you you're a Russian Jew. You're going to tell them suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I know nothing. All I know is it's the Marines' birthday today. Do you people know that?

Yeah. How many years today? I don't know. How many years you don't fucking know these people? What do you think it is? The reason why your people use your fucking yarmulke is because of the fucking Marines, huh? And you don't know.

You got some pair of balls. It's their birthday. Don't make me make you get up and fuck this. 239th birthday. 239th birthday. Defending this beautiful fucking country. I want to salute the Marine Corps or you savages at your house. Keep stabbing motherfuckers.

Shoot them in the head. Take their hair and do what the fuck you got to do. You got one shot at being a fucking soldier. You guys are out there. Who the fuck are us to judge you? Who the fuck are we to judge these soldiers? They're fucking Marines. 239th battalion and shit.

Don't make me go crazy and start stabbing motherfuckers today. Sam Tripoli, what's going on with you? I know you had the CD. The CD went out. Just writing. Don't make me start it. Oh shit. Here we go.

Why you gotta do this to me and get emotional and shit? The Marines, be all you could be. I salute you bad motherfuckers. I salute any of you in the armed forces. The Army, the Navy, the fucking Coast Guard, the Air Force. You're out there banging it out. Shit gets heavy. Who do you think goes down first?

Old Navy. Old Navy. I love you all. But happy birthday to the Marines. The baddest motherfuckers out there. Four fucking servicemen were sitting around a campfire. One night. And they were telling stories.

The guy in the Army Ranger was talking about how he stabbed three Puerto Ricans in the war of Uijime. The Air Force guy was talking about how he shot down a bunch of fucking Vietnamese cock suckers in the war of fucking two fingers. And the Navy got the fucking seal. He put explosives. And the whole time, the Marine was staring the suit with his dick. You understand me?

The thing was boiling. And the Marine was just staring it with his dick. I salute you. Happy birthday, you bad motherfucking savages. That's how you do it. You fucking put your heart on tape when you salute the armed forces. You think I'm gonna be one of those momos at the airport saluting them? Fuck no.

They got the green suit on. They got chemical warfare on them. I keep fucking walking. What the fucking thing you're dealing with, Joey Banana? You were sitting there watching some Monday night football, like a step that you are. You know what I'm saying? Are you that fucking stone? Why are you looking at me like that?

No, no, no, no, no, because I didn't look at you. You seriously, like, you're somebody that I respect. Right now, I'm thinking about that scene in Man On Fire where he's got the Mexican dude with the glasses in the car and he's about to cut his fingers open. That's how you were looking at me right now. That's fucking funny, man. That's so fucking funny, man. No, no, no, I'm listening to you talking and I'm like, I'm really in...

You know, you worked with Gabe Brown on the last couple years, ten years. I worked with Joe for fucking ten years on the road, you know, how many weekends here and there, and you learn, you learn the character of a comic. You learn the evolution of a comic. You learn how the first year everybody's jumping up and down and everybody's drinking and now it gets a little calmer, but it's crazier in another department, you know what I'm saying? And how tours change, because it's never really a tour. It was an endless tour.

Yeah, it was an endless tour. The name would change, but it was like a 20-year journey. Like, I mean, not quite 20, but I mean, Gabriel, he just celebrated a... 20? Yeah. The 20 years of his career and a lot of it was spent, you know, I shoot, I was fortunate enough to see a big portion of it, you know, from a very early phase. You know, I mean, he just, I mean, he blew up in front of us, really.

You know, we saw him go to another level from, you know, zero to a billion... The Bicycle Club on Tuesday nights, $35. You had to pick it up on Friday between four and six. That's when I went to the fucking 7-10, between four and six on a Friday, those cock suckers. So it was crazy that we got to see the hotels, how they changed. How it went from plane to buses to your own personal bus to maybe a private jet to maybe, you know, from it wasn't Delaware, no more Philadelphia, now you're going to fucking Europe and Germany. No, seriously, it went from Southwest Airlines to fucking private jets.

Private jets. Yeah. And sometimes, not even Southwest Airlines, sometimes driving in a car, you know, four people deep, if it's to Arizona or fucking... That's right. You know, or to, you know, Bakersfield, San Francisco, San Jose, San Jose. You guys always took like a van or something like that. We drove.

We drove. It wasn't always private planes. And in retrospect, I look at it. Yeah. And it was very much Kennesnish, without even seeming Kennesnish. You guys were all good friends. Nobody was really going off the deep end with cocaine or, you know, shooting heroin with hookers or missing radio.

It was very professional. It was magic. But it was a different type of magic. It was a different type of magic, absolutely. Sometimes I have to see it a few times and I can feel the love in the room, you know. Yeah. After the fucking thing, Gabriel would go eat and dirty people. You know what I'm saying?

Everybody's eating like a fucking king. And people ask them for pictures. I mean, it was... It's a surreal world. It really was. It really was the same. To be a part of that world and taste it, you know, at whatever level it is, you know, there's people that have come in and done that Gabriel's brought out on the road for certain gigs that

see the magnitude. Because people, unless you see it, it's really hard to know. You can't describe it without sounding kind of like almost like you're boasting or bragging or something. But it's... I've seen people look at... Dude, I've seen families that'll say things like, you know, we just buried our such and such relative who was a huge fan and we actually had his picture of you.

It was like a shrine to him that they buried this man with, you know. And then they all... And then they go to this place to eat out in the middle of Texas in San Antonio, I think we were. And they run into Gabe right after, like legit, they're there for dinner after they just buried this kid, you know. And they see Gabe and it might have been... It was almost like if, you know, like if Jesus would have walked in back in the day.

And you also have to see how a really good comic acts. Yeah. How a really good comic, just the composure. You know, I got to learn a lot from Joe Rogan, guys, a lot. On the road opening for him, you know, I added some things. I would say, listen, why are we doing this? Why are we leaving at one and rocking the whole day? Let's put this together and get the fuck out of here early.

You know, like I would add some stuff and it all worked. And today that's what the system I use today. I use the same fucking system every week. I was never a Gabriel's guy. I really like traveling alone most of the time, to be honest with you. I think it's a big responsibility. I like what Gabriel was doing. But it was weird because nobody was looking at it.

I saw you guys somewhere. I think it was in Irvine with Felicia. And I go, you know what nobody has mentioned about this? That this has a kind of vibe to it. Like Gabriel would do, you know, it would take you 40 minutes until you got to see Gabriel. And there was four guys doing ten minutes apiece, four of them with different fucking views. It was interesting, you know. And then somebody was talking to me, somebody from the church recently,

maybe in Utah, they asked me if I had seen Gabriel's move or they went to see Gabriel. They had a halftime during the show. Yeah, intermission, there was intermission. And he goes, it was fucking amazing. It was just a... It was an event. It is an event. It still is an event.

I mean, I shouldn't say it was an event. It still is an event. So you get to learn a lot. Yeah, you see, it becomes, it becomes, you know, I mean, when you went to one of the concerts, it was that. It was a concert. It was really a fucking... It wasn't a stand-up show.

It was a legit concert. Well, you go home and you scratch your head. You're like, I got to re-evaluate what the fuck I'm doing because that was magical. It was magical. It was magical. And I said, those are the words that I've used to describe it to Gabriel. But... We've seen a lot of magic, a lot of magical fucking moments.

But the beauty of it is, bro, that one day you say, you know what, I don't even want what Gabriel has. I don't even want what Joe Rogan has. It's a lot of responsibility. I just want to go out into my own thing. I've been in this town long enough. I want a headline. I got the chops.

I've got the credits. And that's what you're doing right now. You're in the process of... You were telling me you're doing like an unspoken fucking... Oh, it's fucking crazy. Now, let me just add to this. Because this to me is one of the most... I think one time you were on the podcast and I touched on it.

But if I have to go through the top ten nights I've had in my 20 years in Los Angeles, you know, when we first got into comedy, we were very fortunate. Nobody calls me for those anymore. Not that I'd want to do them because you're busy doing the podcast. But there was a time when your phone would ring every fucking day, that somebody would have a bar and somewhere you were doing comedy that night and you would get 30 bucks and a meal. Jesus, 30 bucks on a couple of drink tickets.

Let me ask you something. Can you get me out of there by 9.45? Because I got to be at the comedy store by 10.30. Tell me the truth or don't bullshit me, dawg. Is there a Dodger game? Fucking tell me the truth. You know what I'm saying? Because I got other spots.

And it was... And you went down there and you got to see different comics. I don't have that in my life no more. Like that's gone. But there was a time when Marilyn... Marilyn would call me twice a week. Marilyn was the king of the hustle. Say whatever you want about Marilyn.

God rest her soul. She would call me a good jolly. Martin Moreno's booking a room and whatever. He wants to know if you'll take 50 hours for 20 minutes. And I'm like, Dave will drive. I'm like, fuck it. Those are the fun fucking days. God rest her soul.

It's gonna be an anniversary, 10 years. Can I tell you that you meet a lot of people. You meet a lot of fucking people. And out of a lot of people that I know, no one reaches out as consistently to say, hey, how are you? I fucking love you. Because we don't hang out all the time.

No, no, no. We don't hang out all the time. We see each other rarely. But dude, you check in and you actually, genuinely, you always have since I met you. You've never stopped checking and saying, hey, I'm just checking to see how you're doing. There's not too many genuine people you meet.

But Marilyn would do the same thing. Yeah, you have to check in. This is your family. Dude, and it was... This is what it's all about. This is part of it. I always felt like holy fuck. People can't handle it.

A lot of people can't handle it. What a real deal. But it's funny, I go to this fucking bar. I had met you maybe twice or three times before this. And we're doing a show. I'm a blast. I think Marilyn's up before me. You're on stage and all of a sudden there's a commotion.

I don't know what the fuck it is. And I go, Marilyn, what's going on? And she goes, oh my god, Martina's going outside to fight this guy. I go, what are you talking about? He was just on stage. And he goes, he's going outside because I guess he said something about the president.

The guy's a soldier. Oh shit. Or something fucking crazy. And he got the pull of politics. Then like 10 minutes later, it was the next comedy. You were hosting. You went up there. Your shirt was torn a little bit.

He had a couple smacks in his mouth. And you went back on stage and did the comedy. And now you were friends. Like you bought him a shot. Something weird had happened, Martina. It was just a fucking... You reason with somebody. You know, when you just like tell somebody like,

you know when you get to that point where you can't just fucking like, look, you fuck. You know, it doesn't get more basic than this. When you take it to that level with somebody. No, but you, you went outside. You came back in like a gentleman. You brought me up on stage. And I always admired that.

I went up there. I go, did you guys just know he just got through a fist fight with this gentleman? Fucking gentleman. Like this is fucking crazy. This is right now. Was it all hand bra? That was, um, that was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra.

Real cute bar. Yeah. It was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra. This had to be. Maryland's dead ten years this November. Wow. So this had to be what, 15 years ago? Wow.

15 years ago. Put it at 2002. Fuck. Yes. Yes. Fuck. That's when I fell in love with you. When you went, you threw a couple punches.

You came back in like a gentleman. When I left, you guys were having a beer. Everybody was happy. Somebody was missing the tooth. But it didn't matter. It all happened for the namesake of comedy. But now you're out there. And I see you little fucking Facebook videos.

You're at a Mexican restaurant in the hood in Chicago. And I admire that. You know? You're out there. You get the opportunity to do this, you know, until Fluffy starts his next tour. And, uh, whatever. It feels great for you. I'm happy you're doing this.

You have a website and shit. Yeah. It has your dates. What's that? You have a website which has all your dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, actually my dates are on Eventbrite right now. Eventbrite?

Yep. Martin Moreno. And what gigs do you have coming up? Uh, shit, bro. This fucking anime. Drop a mommy. Right now, this Friday the 7th. Magicopolis is a freaking theater in Santa Monica.

Dog right around the corner from the promenade. Okay. Uh, so it's, uh, it's this, uh, pretty cool ass theater. They do, uh, they do magic and shit, but fucking it's, uh, it's fucking sick, bro. It's perfect for what the fuck I'm doing. You're one of the stars, though. Joey must have been there for all those matches. Oh, dude.

Oh, dude. Listen, let me tell you something. You're one of the stars? Do I want another star? Yeah. You know what? There's no way in fuck. Like when you call yourself a savage, there's a lot of people that say fucking savage and

they just throw that shit out there. You motherfuckers are savages. Lee, you really eat too much? No, fuck that. Let's go. There's no way. I could ever try to keep up with you guys. Lee, put on the national anthem.

It's fucking fucking Eli. You don't understand. I'm in here trying to fucking focus. What fucking focus? No, I don't like that. You got firecrackers? Listen, you fucking... You got firecrackers?

No, you don't even have firecrackers. You're not going to eat two fucking stars, are you? Look at this. We got a bag full of fucking... Man. We'll finish this out, Lee. No, we're not. Yes, we do.

This is what we're going to do. Me and you, like fucking gentlemen, we'll finish out what's in this bag. No, no, no. Then do what we'll do. Come here. Don't tell me fucking no. There's so hard we got to tie you up and I'll leave you in here for three days. How much is this one?

How much is it? Not for you. I'll never give you two in my life. Okay, good. Thank you. You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five. You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five. You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five.

You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five. You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five. I'll never give you two in my life. Okay, good. Thank you. You're going to eat a half or one twenty-five. What are we doing? I said I'm sorry.

We had twenty-fifty already. Listen. How are you working here? Your high was your high. Your high was three thousand. Three thousand, listen now. Okay, so. Wait, I'm only.

So that would only put me at three percent. Yeah, yeah. So what percent is that, Lee? Hold on. Let me figure that out, man. Okay. Okay. I'll do one more Red Star.

How about that? Let's not listen. Let me ask you a question. What's the difference? Fine. But can I just do one more? One more Red. Yeah.

One more Purple. Yeah. I promise. There's only a couple. Yeah. Listen. There's four. Let's do two a piece.

No, no, no. That's easy already. Oh, guys. You see what happens? This is like the guy on the. But look, look, look at this. Fair. But look at this.

Wow. Look. Look. We're done for the week. No, we're not. We have plenty of more stars. Who? Who?

Look, bro, what I lie to you. What are you talking about? You're fist around by millions of stars. These are 125s. This is for a different mission. We use it. You know, we can't. We have to eat 22, 125s just to get the party started.

Dude, you guys are like Rick and Morty, bro. We got two little stars here. You're going to see animals at the fucking, at the, at the whatever. At the zoo? No. You have a place. At the pet store. At the pet store.

The pet store. At the pet store? The pound? Yeah. The pound. So, yeah. Tell me about these little stars. Oh, shit.

They're just looking at you. I said, are McLaughlin's going to do a commercial with these stars? They started with like 20 friends and they all got picked. You're going to walk by these little fucking, look how they're looking at you. They're crying. I'll do one, dude. Where else are you going? Please, please.

You're not going to eat two of them. Those two came together. You know how we do it here. What's two? Well, four and 2250 is what? I don't want the 2650, dude. That's crazy. What would you do?

What would you do? 2450. All right. There you go. Thank you. Go to town. What are you doing? I want to watch you cocksuck.

I don't trust you. What do you mean you don't trust me? You want it? Wow. Let's go. What's the problem here? Listen, this ladder. Oh, shit.

There you go. Oh, shit. It's time cocksuckers. It's over. It's over. Lee, eat that last fucking star like this, like a soldier. That's it. Do you understand that my 125 is just kicking in hard as fuck that shit came in like a swamp like a fucking wave

Let me tell you something that 200 that's from the bottom of the bag It's filled to turn that off. That's not the one I'm looking for. There's no way I could keep up with you fuckers There's no way I could even dream of it brother. I don't want anybody ever come on this show Uh-huh and think for one second. Yeah, but they have to keep up with okay We just want you to come on the show good. Have a good time get stone to the kills get some water And that's it do a bong to the tube music 2015 we're getting back what belongs us and that's it no more fucking around play the national anthem Lee I'm sick of these motherfuckers. Let's go the good one too with shoots and fucking people missing legs

I want to hear the good one Lisa. Yeah, the balls in your fucking court. No more fucking around You want your life to be better? I can't help you Lee can't help you Joe Rogan can't help you Ari can't help you God can't fucking help you only you could fucking help you grab your fucking balls Get a fucking notebook and write down what the fuck you're gonna do this year and this is it You're not gonna have these problems fuck the drugs fuck the cigarettes fuck that dumb bitch It all starts fucking today. All right, no more fucking excuses. That's the fucking this is the year of the fucking soldier It's 2015 You