Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #178 | The Best of THE JOINT, Vol. 2

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday… July 6th… While Uncle Joey is off for the week, please enjoy some of our favorite moments from Uncle Joey's Joint! Clips Taken from: Episode 72 - ROBERT KELLY - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-7Xwf4a2wM&t=2260s Episode 77 - LEE SYATT - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_6qtQkoi0&t=515s Episode 96 - MICHAEL GANDOLFINI - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk8VS7X_cwo&t=1480s Episode 114 - JOSH WOLF - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NgfjfJh3KE&t=4502s Episode 129 - STU FEINER - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFA7xkDye20&t=3281s Episode 131 - DOMENICK LOMBARDOZZI - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8vqXBNyKfw&t=3338s Episode 133 - JOEY DIAZ - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5HerAcMb28&t=2062s Episode 143 - JESSIMAE PELUSO - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImGKhoSP5x8&t=3715s This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Annit. Go to annit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press encode Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. Let's do it! And that done nine months later, you got a Joey Diaz looking like fucking ugly monkey looking baby and shit like that. So I got Irish. I got Irish Italian just mom done.

I'm lucky that last I got that last one that made it up the fucking tube. Just staggered into her fucking egg and fell into it. So I'm done. My jizz is done. No, I'm very lucky. I'm happy. And I remember going to the doctor, my friends out in LA, the fucking, the muscle crew was like, Joey, you're over 50.

You got to take testosterone. And I started taking it. I started going to a doctor and getting a shot every week and I ended up in the fucking hospital giving them a gallon of blood because my red blood count had taken over some shit. And I told my acupuncturist and she told me right out. She goes, listen, don't do it. It don't work for Cuban people. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

She's Jewish. What are you talking about? It works for everybody. She goes, don't do it. And sure enough, after I came out of the hospital, I went back to the fucking doctor and I told him what had happened. He's like, Jesus Christ, this only happened one other time to me with a Cuban dude about 20 years ago.

What the fuck is that? I don't know. So my acupuncturist was right. She was like, you don't need it. You don't need to make testosterone. Fuck your wife up at 50. That's your fucking testosterone. What do you need to make testosterone get a shot for?

I'm like, my friends are telling me that I'll be better off. Nothing. I'm better off now. I take a little testosterone pill twice a day. I lift weights. You do your little protein drink at night before you fucking hit the crib with my potassium pills and I'm done with my magnesium. That's what I've been living off of magnesium and probiotics.

That's what all my friends do. Do you get a stem cells and testosterone? Go get this check. No, I don't want no fucking needles. I'm fucking old school in it. I'm original Superman. I'm going to the gym. I'll take a protein shake.

I'll eat a banana. I'll cut down on the carbs and I'll walk. I'm going to fucking, I ain't doing any of that. She ain't grown my hair back. I'm not getting fucking plugs. I'm done. I shaved my head at 32. I was like, I'm out.

I'm out. Good for you. How's the comedy going? What are you thinking so far? I don't know, dude. It's a weird, listen, you know, you know, we've been, it's hard to get these engines back up. You know, I did it for 28 years nonstop pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, pretty

much every night of the week, except for maybe Sundays, but even Sundays for most of that 28 years. And then to shut it down for a year and be home on Fridays and Saturdays. And to kind of get used to that shit, because now I got a life back in the day. I had no life. It was just me in some shitty apartment in New York City. Now I got this backyard. I got my kid who I fucking love.

He's got baseball. I got my wife. We have dinner. We barbecue, you know, all this shit. So now to get up at four in the morning, get in a car, go to the airport, check in, get on a fucking plane, go to the fucking thing, open that up. You know what I mean? Get to the hotel, all that shit.

It's, it's like, fuck man, getting those engines up and then get into the club doing the show. Two shows fucking kill me. Two shows kill me, dude. You got to work yourself up to that now. You got to do like a show and a guest set for like a month, a show and then do a guest set on the second show. I, you know, Bob, I tried and it just wasn't working for me.

I tried for about six or seven weeks. I took a, I took off from March 2nd, like everybody else till August. I got on stage with our man, Rich Voss and Florentine at the East Hanover Mall where you just performed that. I felt good that night. The only thing I was scared of that a bear was going to come and drag me out from the fucking thing into the woods. That's the only fear I had.

I did good. And then I started doing spots at Uncle Vinnie's great club. I love Dino, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling it. I couldn't write new material and I hate doing fucking old jokes. You know, so I said, you know what Dino, let me pull the plug. Let me get my heart and my soul and my head connected. Yeah.

And I'll come back when I'm fucking ready, you know, and I'm hoping. I feel you dude. I feel you. Yeah. It's the new, it's the new, like back in the day, back a couple years ago, I would, something would happen. This would go down. I'd hold it.

I'd wait until the weekday. I'd go to the cellar. I'd work it, work it, work it. And then by the end of the week, I'd have a new bit and I'd be good to go. And it was like that thing was flowing now. I'm trying to come up with shit, but it's not. There's something missing. Like, like I lost something.

Like I can't. I don't know what the fuck it is, but even on stage, I'm like, yeah, and I'll stop bringing something up and it will just go. It's like, just dies. And I wind up having to go back to a bit that I know works. And then your comic guilt sets in where you're like, fuck man. And then you see these young bucks coming up behind you. Not a just, you know, hungry little fucking lions that are, you know, and, you know,

I, I think I got to push through it. I think, I think what I'm going to do is try to get a night where I can go down. Like Aries is doing, Aries, Shafir is doing it. Well, he's got a night at the stand was like, look, this is going to suck. So fuck you. I'm just going to do new stuff. And everybody else is coming up as fucking off. And this isn't, this is just going to suck until it doesn't suck.

You know what I mean? Because something went out like the pilot light went out with the new stuff. And it's, it's, it's killing me because you go on the road and you feel like shit. Because you know, you know, when you look out and that guy knows that you, I heard that joke before, you know what I mean? Like fuck. It's, it's hard. And now it's true because everybody's doing the fucking COVID shit too.

So we got to get out of that era, you know, and the whole world changed too. Don't forget that there's certain things you, you know, you know, in your head, whether look, I don't give a fuck. I don't got a B plan. I'm going to do what I want. Say what I want. And if I think it's funny, I'm going to do it. But in the back of your head that is there, like what the fuck, you know, they can't,

they can't listen unless you got a TV show or they can't take nothing from you. They can take your sponsors from you and the TV fucking show. They can't take what you do, the time you've put in and they can't take the microphone from you. And if you're selling tickets, these club owners, they'll eat a scab off an Iranian's head. You know that they'll fucking book you. They don't give a fuck.

As long as you pack the fucking room and go up there and give them 150%, you'll always be a great comic and always have work. People got to get this cancel culture out of their fucking minds. You know what? I'm going straight ahead with the cancel me or not. I don't give a fuck. Right. I kidnap the dude and put him in a fucking trunk of a car.

You think I'm worried about cancel culture, bitch? You could suck my fucking dick now at this age. I've done it all. You want to come at me now because 23 years ago some girl sucked my dick at the comedy store, who I'm dear friends with again now. You want to come at me over something like that and try to cancel this and go fuck yourself. You know, you got no. The reason why cancel life exists is because people let themselves get canceled.

I'll fucking go out there. You see what happened in Israel and fucking Palestine, they're out there throwing rocks. That's me on the stage. I'll be out there throwing fucking rocks. You text, and it's hysterical, but you text the craziest shit. You text that and you text food. Every time you go back to Jersey, you text me like pieces of pizza or the egg roll at Chan's.

You text some crazy shit. I text big shits to you, Segur and Burt Kreischer. Segur got the biggest kick out of it. You can't text a shit picture on Twitter because then you'll get a 22,000 back for weeks. Every time you open up a Twitter, you think like it's happy birthday. It's a big piece of shit with shit all over the toilet. You can't do it on the Instagram or anything like that. But to each other, I would send them to fucking Tom and Tom would actually look at it and

charge it and go, what the fuck? It's 22 inches. What did you eat? You know, Tom, it would really mess with Tom's insides. Like, why would you send me this? Now I got to take a shit to match it. You know, what am I going to do? I mean, it was just, people have no idea the craziness that was going on.

Then we, after Lee's apartment, we moved into an office in like a horrible part of town. Oh yeah. Didn't you hit somebody with your like car door at the 7-Eleven? I hit him with the car. That 7-Eleven was guys. It was fucking real. There was a 7-Eleven on Magnolia and whatever. Over Lancashire.

Past Lancashire. Past Lancashire. What was our street? Not Compton. Kuanga, maybe. Kuanga. It was Kuanga and there was a 7-Eleven there that, you know, had his moments from time to time a Hindu got hit.

You know, a homeless guy would throw a bottle of fucking milk at him or something. Then you had the Laurel, you had the Laurel Canyon 7-Eleven, which was fucking ISIS. Every time you went in there, they had the turbines on. They had fucking music on. After eight minutes, you'd be fucking saying Jihad because they would play the music on loud. Like you'd be in there going, next thing you know you're dancing. Jihad, Jihad, fuck America.

And then they killed the owner. Yeah. And then they killed the owner of the ISIS people right in front. They stabbed them to death right in front of the laundry man. Nah, nah. People, you got to be in on this shit to believe it. But then there was another 7-Eleven on Burbank and some street. It was in Burbank.

We rented an office. Yeah, it's Burbank and Kuanga. Burbank and Kuanga. It was a dump. The office was a dump. Oh yeah. It had no windows. No AC.

No AC. The table. And we had an African-American accountant next to us. Consultant. Not even that. It was a, what do you get? A notary. A traveling notary.

She was a notary public. She fucking hated us. I mean she hated us from day one. We weren't, and we like made, there was no window so we couldn't smoke weed in there. And we didn't. We never smoked weed in there once. No, we smoked a vapor pipe that you can't smell. And we had Felipe in there one day and next thing you know she's banging on the fucking

wall. Felipe episode. She's banging on the wall. We're fucking ignoring her. We're laughing our asses off. Then we were in there and there was an earthquake with Rick Ramos. Oh Jesus, I forgot about that. The earthquake with Rick Ramos when we were in there and we just stopped.

That was a tremendous podcast moment. We had my god, my uncle in there. Yeah, we did do it with Jerry Rocha. Yeah. And then we took over. Then we found, then we were going to move out to like fucking the barbecue place all the way out there in North Hollywood. Right.

And that was just a dump. The guys like, I walked in there, I was there three minutes and I'm drenched with sweat. And I go, what's up with the air conditioner? The guy goes, it's on. I go, you fucking crazy. What is it at? And he goes, 78. What normal people put it out?

I go, not in my house. No. My shit's at 52. There's penguins fucking running around the house, the vent, the whole fucking thing. But then I did a podcast for Drake, great, great, great, great, great. Oh, but you're forgetting an office. Which one? You're forgetting the one on next to the In-N-Out where the homeless guy was in the hallway

sleeping and that was a good office. That was a very good office. A little creepy. We're about to get killed. Yeah. Because when you left there, it was fucking scary. It was just dark. But that was a fun one because we would do the periscope on the stairs.

Yep. We would put away two fucking joints. Oh, and but yeah. And there was like an acting school downstairs. There was a lot of weird shit in that office, but they didn't mess with us. There was actually, we found out a weed delivery company also in that. In that building right at the end. That was right before we were going to move.

But that office, that's where we had Angel Salazar. That's where we had Stephen Bauer. We had Dennis Hoff with his assistant fucking the rapist with the harmonica. When he kept playing the fucking harmonica and you would freak out. And then I don't know what made this move there from there. We weren't good standing. Didn't the other one become available or something? Right.

Over the holidays, like January, I had mercy and I took her to the park and my wife was bringing her back in an hour. And I'm like, what the fuck are we going to do back in an hour? So I kept her in the park all fucking morning. I went to 7-Eleven. I got us hot dogs and shit. And I got her an ice cream. And as we were walking back, the guy came out and he goes, hey, are you still interested in office?

We have one available on the second floor. And I was fucking blown away. You know, he goes, it's going to take a week because we got to get the caskets out of there. I go, what fucking caskets? Because across the street was a funeral parlor and they were using it as a casket place. I didn't know that. Jesus Christ. I didn't know the caskets were being stored in there.

Yeah. There were caskets in there. What are you fucking nuts? And that was the final office. We were in there for four years and it was just tremendous. That office was, uh, I still remember breaking the walls down. How painful it was, you know, it was, it was kind of not bueno. But, you know, Lee, we did the eight years.

You got the fucking, uh, Lisa at not a space, which hopefully someday you'll turn into an NFT. You just going back. Oh, I have that's coming. And, uh, it was just really weird. How did you feel when I came to you that day and said, cause it was about a year ago. It was about a year ago that I said, you know, I think it's time for us to end this. How did you feel at first? Well, I wouldn't have stayed in LA nearly as long as I did if it wasn't for the podcast.

I didn't like it. I miss some people in LA and I miss the weather right now, but I didn't. I never liked LA. Um, there's always going to be a little bit of sadness. Um, but it wasn't, it wasn't really out of the blue. You've been talking about leaving for like three or four years. It felt like at least like no, no, like nailed down time. But, you know, I always, wherever you, cause I, I've said this for months and people ask,

I honestly feel like our relationship is better now. Yes. Um, I feel like it, it's good. Cause I mean, you've seen TV shows, podcasts, anything go on for too long and that wouldn't, like that would hurt. Um, I had a great time doing it. I, I miss you, but it, it is kind of weird. I'm not, I'm not a very religious person, but if you look at it, we started the podcast,

the first week of September, 2012, and it ended the last week of August of 2020. There isn't any other place that David would know to talk about in such a poetic and incredible way. I gotta tell you, I'm very proud of being from New Jersey, but this movie pushed it over the top for me. I have to really be on this was my stripes. This is my biker jacket. You know, this is my, uh, it's funny. He said I was again, my wife was watching it. She's been watching it now for about two and a half months.

So I try to play the guitar while she's watching it and shit. Cause I've already seen the episodes back and forth, but sometimes I'll come in and she's watching the last episode. And a couple of weeks ago she was watching the episode when Carmela had a visit, the guy in college at Columbia. He took her out to lunch to try to, and to try to get the 50 grand from her. And she goes, I didn't know you were from Jersey. I didn't know you were Italian. He goes, yeah, Ross short for Rosetti, you know, and he goes something about the Jersey school system. I've always been fucking proud about the Jersey school systems.

I think I learned, you know, I fucking a savage from the Jersey school system. Cause I didn't just teach you about school. They taught you how to get over, how to get free milk. They don't fuck around New Jersey. They had a driver, red teacher that he, we used to talk them into stopping and getting Chinese food. That's part of the fucking education. We used to fucking sign up at a quarter to 11 to make sure he would have the car. You know, we would be with him till 1130.

And we would talk him into, come on, Mr. McGrath, you got to stop a chance. Yeah. A couple of stakes on the stick. Come on. We know you're hungry. We'd get the steak on the stick and make sure he'd eat one first. So then we, you're guilty. You know what I'm saying?

No, you can't rat us out. We're all good. But there's something about being from Jersey. Like I told my, when I got here last September, I took my daughter around the corner and right away, I remembered kids in New Jersey. You ready for this? Most kids go out to play in New Jersey. You went out to die. Like, like when I was a kid, New Jersey, I used to give my mother a hug and tell like, I left a will.

I left a little note under the pillow. Goodbye. To build my trains and my hot wheels because I'm going to die. Yeah. Kids in New Jersey, you didn't go out to play, fucking whatever. You went out to die. Like God forbid some car pulled up to you when you were playing stickball and wanted you to move. You know how many fucking fights we got into as kids with people driving cars?

Because who the fuck are you to drive down the street right now? It's two outs. We got the bases are fucking loaded. We got the Puerto Rican up at bat and you want to fucking drive here now. Get the fuck out of here. Come back in 20 minutes. Go fuck yourself and we fucking jump the guy and next thing you know. So there's something about Jersey.

There's something about being from Brooklyn. Yeah. There's something about being from the Bronx. There's something about being from Harlem, but there is something from being from Jersey. Now you went to high school in studio city, correct? Yeah. So I, you know, I grew up in, in, um, so my whole family lives in Bergen County and then I grew up in Manhattan in Jersey going back and forth my whole life. And then we moved out to LA, um, in, uh, in middle school.

So I was in middle school and we moved out and I did middle school and high school in LA. And then I turned 18 and went back to New York for, for college and, uh, and now I've been back ever since, you know, I'm an East Coast boy. Um, I fucking love it here. And yeah, I do agree. Like I think that after doing this movie, there is a certain odd pride about Jersey that I have now that I never had before. Um, just a real, a real love for it. So yeah. Like I said, as I was shooting the movie, my days off, I would take the ferry over and I got reacquainted.

Yeah. I got reacquainted. I did a couple of rides with my friends, Bergen County and I said, what the fuck am I doing out there? And it was just a process of when can we make the move back? Yeah. And what a lot of people didn't know was we were supposed to come back and shoot where you had started shooting already on the ninth of March. Well, I did it. Yeah.

I was the last day before we got shut down, which is that I, it was the phone booth scene. Um, that was the scene before we got shut down. Really? When we came back for reshoots. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. That was the scene and then we got shut down and we kind of were all just waiting, you know, for fucking forever.

And September came around and we, we did those reshoots. Those last couple of scenes. Did you, did you ever get to shoot in Jersey? Nope. Yeah. I know we, I mean, David, you know, we, I know David really wanted to shoot more in Jersey. I got to shoot, I believe two days in Jersey. And I remember it just felt different.

There is like something really special about it, the getting to like, I was just so happy we got to shoot a couple of things in New Jersey. It just felt really right. You know what I mean? It was awesome. When I got the movie, I was very excited about hanging out in Newark. Yeah. I was like, fuck, we're going to shoot Newark. Yeah.

I haven't been to Newark in months. They got the Spanish kitchen. Yeah. They got a great Portuguese section. They got great Italian food. They got a couple of Cuban restaurants. We'll go out at night in Newark, you know. And then when we got here, I didn't have Newark at all anywhere in my shoot dates and it didn't depress me.

I didn't, I was just listening. I was just happy to be a part of it. Yeah. For me, Michael, I was just happy to be a part of it. I knew it was going to be something big. Yeah. I knew it was going to be something special. When I heard you were in it, I really wanted to be in it.

And, you know, I didn't know I knew John. Yeah. You know, but I didn't know like Sam. I didn't know little Paulie, Corey. I didn't know a lot of those guys. Fucking Samson. I love that motherfucker. All of them.

All of them. You know, John Ray Leota was great to shoot with him. He was fucking dynamite. You know, the first thing he was dynamite and I got to tell for people who don't know, he's another guy that did great in this fucking movie. I think his character was fucking tremendous. I think David hit it out of the park with his character. Yeah.

Everyone, everyone. I'm just so proud of everyone. I'm just everyone's so, so good in it. And like to have such a blast. I mean, for not, not one of us fucking hated anyone. Like, do you know how rare that is? Like not what there's got to be one guy that I can't stand that person. Like it wasn't anyone.

Like it was just the best. How did, so how did you, did you audition or did you just get it offered? How did it come your way? I found out he was doing it. I hadn't thought about it for like a week and I contacted John. John, I don't have the script. Nobody knows that. You know, I knew Dave wasn't going to have a script out there.

I knew David wasn't going to have the right lines out there. I knew David was not going to give you lines from the movie at all or anything. So I just, I thought about it and I talked to my agent and they sent the sides. You know, and I looked at the sides and there was a trick question in the sides. What was it? It was a trick that was, it was a, it was a, just the way he did the line. Yeah. I was supposed to react to it a certain way.

Okay. Okay. And at first I looked at it. I didn't know what to do, but voila. Yeah. I thought about a scene with Silvio and your dad got rest to soul and I go, that's the scene. He's referring to, I'm going to do this.

Nice. And so it was fascinating for me to watch you guys do the same thing I was doing, but have such a different journey. Like the audience's reactions to you guys, especially when they didn't get you. It was something I never had to deal with. You know, yeah, especially when you were this Joe Diaz, when you were this guy, this dude, this dude, the hand pumper, you made some people nervous. A front bridge.

Jack, when you were doing this, God damn. Do you remember the very first time. Yo, the very first time I saw Brody snap on stage was at the underground and his jokes were, he was just, and he said, I don't think you understand people how hard it is for a single man to shave his own back by himself. He goes, I got trouble spots and he lifted up his shirt and he showed the patches on his back. Yo.

Trouble spots. I was howling, but I was like, in my life, I'll never have to do that. You know what I mean? It was great. Yeah. To watch Brody, especially at the store and at the underground. I have those memories drilled. And I have a problem.

I can't remember nothing from 2010 on. Like if you bust my balls about 2014, I don't know nothing between the edibles, the fucking reefer, the kid, God knows nothing. I destroyed my fucking memory. Yeah. But I have real memories of Brody, like on stage at the store and me going, I don't think Brody is going to last because he was having like when he first got to LA, he was going up there doing eight minutes.

They weren't on board and he would just snap and that's what made him funny. You know, we loved it. We loved it as comics and fucking, you know, in the back, but the audience, he was struggling. Yeah. He was struggling and I respected Brody because he showed up every fucking night. He didn't give a fuck what happened the night before. He had the right attitude. That was last night, motherfucking.

Tonight's tonight. Okay. So it's funny that we did learn a lot from one another. I learned a lot of shit. Do you remember doing the fucking industrial that Saturday, like in September, we had to do an industrial shoot where we had to just put the boxes and drop them off for people. Like just pick them up and drop. They gave us like 75 bucks.

It was like UPS and all me, Josh and Gavin did was like pick up boxes and like every once in a while we wave at the camera and the guy would go, don't do that. And I remember going, this is my first industrial. Oh my God. I'm on my way. Like I still remember going to LA. I still remember going to LA. My first audition was Judy Brown called me up.

She was booking the Jenny McCarthy show. For you people don't know, Judy Brown is one of the biggest managers in the world today. Sebastian Whitney fucking Bill, what's his name? Not Bill Burr, but Burke Kreischer. I'm really proud of Judy. Judy came a long way. I met Judy in Colorado Springs when she was charging 20 bucks to take a stand up class before you could do the open mic there and shit.

I'm like, Judy, I'm not paying you 20 bucks. She's, every time I see her, she's like, you never paid me that. I'm not going to pay you that 20. In fact, you owe me 35 hours from fucking Vale. How's that? When my car blew up and I left it there and I had to call the dealer and go, you know, remember that nice fucking car that was there? Yeah.

The engine blew. Where are you? I'm in the fucking, I'm in Vale. I quit. I'm in Ann Mayne's car. I'm in Ann Mayne's car. I was talking about the Ann Mayne car the other day when they got towed and I tried to go down to Hollywood to get my shit out of it and they're like, you need a registration

and I actually went home and like got Carol's registration and tried to fucking. How many tickets were on that car? 200. Not an exaggeration, by the way. I remember seeing those tickets in the backseat. You should just take them and throw them in the back. I just took them and threw them in the back and shit. I still remember the lady would follow me, the little black lady with the, she had like

a fucking cheese Danish on her head. She spun it around her head like the Afro. She was the most angriest woman in the world. I brought her flowers. I sang a Michael Jackson songs. I would sing a Al Green songs. I threw the whole black catalog of love music at this sister because she was fine too. And she would get out of my face and I remember finally one day she goes, I'm just going to

keep giving you tickets. And I go, fuck it. I had a stack and a, there must have been a hundred in there. She goes, oh Lord. And they didn't tell me in Hollywood, they got me up in fucking the valley. They got me in the valley with that fucking car. I was in there taking a shower. I go outside to get my shorts.

The car is gone. I didn't bring all my luggage with me. I just took a t-shirt. If I would have brought my whole luggage with me, I wouldn't have been this predicament tonight. Let me tell you, the, when I used to get in, I remember getting that car. I'm looking in the back seat and being like, you got some tickets and you're like, yeah. I'm like, are you going to pay them? You're like, nah, they're going to have to come get me.

Now is it? That's it. What am I going to pay them with? Well, what? What do you know? Like good looks. The car had no brakes. No.

No brakes. I would have to step on the fire. I was like red Flintstone for real. I'd have my foot on the brake and the other foot outside the door. Yeah. Stop in the fucking car. I stopped dog on the 405 South. I had to do it one time.

The car had a tremendous cassette player, a sunroof and air conditioning. You don't know how many times I would just park on the street, pop the seat back, boom, and just pop the sunroof. I still remember being on Vista and jerking off doing coke in the car, fucking jerking off and then taking napkins and put them outside. And I remember waking up in the morning when the sun wakes up and stretching and looking down and seeing like eight little sperm napkins and going, this is not good. This is not good.

I jerked off on the street. I'm Vista. On the way. I'm going to help. I would not be surprised if those sperm napkins were still on that street right where you left them. Drive right down the block. There's probably a homeless guy wiping his face.

He's just eating a subway sandwich. And he's taking my little sperm napkin and wiping his sides like great Pupon and shit. Yo, do you remember when that dude, oh, by the way, Jacob Wolf was at that Travis Scott concert on Friday? Yo, I forgot to tell you this. So I'm so glad I was asleep. But I wake up to a text. Hey, I'm all right.

But shit. Get real hairy. So he and his girlfriend have bruises circling their body from where they were being smushed by the crowd. He showed me. My man just has bruises because he was being compressed. Oh, Joe, I forgot. This story is so bananas, man.

He said at one point his girlfriend who's smaller, her feet weren't touching the ground, but she was stuck between people and just being moved. There was she was like this. And so many people compressed. She was being moved by the crowd. I am so happy to see you. I, you know, I asked around. I didn't know what was going on.

I talked to some of the boys from the sports advisors from time to time. They come to the shows. I didn't even know you in the business at all anymore. Wow. I moved to New York. I put on. I see you on Twitter. I follow you and you're fucking great.

I'm following you, retweeting the games for the week. You are a fucking professional, man. Everything's good. You know, it's all I've ever done. So in other words, and now with the internet and now with a new audience of young people, you know, I'm just as fucking crazy as ever. I mean, the energy is ever is bigger than ever. I take a tea shot every two weeks and that just gives me unlimited fucking energy.

You know, live on caffeine right now, caffeine and a tea shot. And I'm ready to go. I mean, I'm only sleeping like four hours a night and loving life. You know, I got, you know, I got four men that live with me. My kids 32, 30, 26, 22 and three of the four live with me and total insanity. Everybody's partying every day, drinking every day, you know, getting fucked up. And, you know, it's a great life. You know, you're smoking 50 blunts a day, nine cups of Starbucks coffee.

How the fuck do you do this? I'm Cuban. I was doing eight shots of espresso in LA. Nice. Nice. Four at night. Four before I went to the comedy store. Oh, I love it.

I love it. And I stopped drinking espresso. Like I just drink one cup of coffee now. And that does it for you, huh? That does it. Throughout the day, I got to drink a Coke zero for caffeine purposes. Right. But beside that, man, you look great.

I love that you put pictures of your dad. He's your fucking twin. Absolutely. So what has happened in 30 years? Um, well, I mean, basically, you know, I went, uh, almost broke three times. And, uh, now I got the world by the balls. I'm printing money. I got, I got fucking in my backyard.

I got five fucking trees, $100 bills on the trees. When you come here, when we get fucked up, I'm going to let you pick $100 bills. You leave with five, 10 grand. Everybody's happy, ready to roll. Oh my God. You are insane. I mean, every day, every day is insane. You know, even, even with the COVID, we got, you know, anyway, between 10 to 40 people a

day, running around my backyard. Um, the house that I've been living in since 1990, that's still what I have. Uh, I worked, I worked as a landscaper when I was a kid in seventh grade Joe. And, um, on a 7.8 acre estate. It was the William Schwindler estate. And he was the co-founder of Grumman Aerospace with Leroy Grumman. And in, uh, World War II, in the 40s, vice presidents used to be in my basement because they were talking about, you know, how the fuck they could bomb Germany

and fucking bomb Japan and win the fucking war. God, God willing. Um, William Schwindler's claim to fame was the movie Apollo 13, uh, with Tom Hanks and Gary Sinise. Well, in that movie, there's a scene where they have two tables and they throw all the shit on the tables and they said to the scientists, we got to get them down. And the owner of this house, William Schwindler, got them down. And that was his claim to fame.

They landed at LaGuardia airport, drove right to Hicksville where Grumman Aerospace is. And I'm about two minutes away from there. So it was a 7.8 acre estate and oddly enough in seventh grade, I said, um, Mr. Schwindler, Mr. Schwindler, when you sell this house, I would like to buy it. And they looked at me with like two heads. They're like, what's this fucking Jew talking about? Hey, buddy, you know, go wipe your butt. You say you're in your fucking 14 by the grace of God.

You know, I scored out in the 80s with my sports advisor service and with 900 numbers. And when they died, it was in the will for them to call me. They called me in 1989. They wanted at the time 2.2 million negotiated for six months. And I paid 1.4 million for 7.8 acres. It's a, uh, a 1.8 acre side field. Uh, 2.5 acres with the houses on and then 3.2 acres in the back.

The house at the time was 1900 square feet, 1936 English tutor. And then when I bought it, I put 800 grand into the house, 200,000 into the pool, made it 4,300 square feet, matched the brick and the slate roof from a burnt down school in Massachusetts. And I've been kicking fucking ass since in 1994, I paid 4.8 million dollars for a score phone operation in Atlanta, Georgia, where, um, they were getting 48 million calls a year on 200 score phones. And at the time before the internet, before you could get scores on your phone

before all these channels on TV gave scores. We gave scores, odds, lines, injury, weather reports. And then we inundated it with ads. Um, I sold the backfield in my backyard to a builder. Together we built 11 houses and we named it after my oldest son. It's called Shawn Michael court. Um, I sold a 1.8 acre side field right next to me. And then I kept the 2.5 acres, bought the score phone, um, paid 4.8 million, put

2000 down, had a note for 1.2 million per year. We wrote 10 million in four years. What about the balls business was evaluated at 30 million. P. S. This is nuts, Joe. You, this is fucking crazy. It's like Murphy's law. My last payment to the owner paid it. Me and Sandy got a France party of fucking bulls off, come back and CBS

Sportsline opened their website. I went in six months, 48 million calls, 4.8 million calls, 480,000 calls, 48,000 calls out of fucking business. And then I had to get into other areas. So I got like professional athletes, uh, to work for me ex coaches, ex players, and I promoted them and then that didn't work. And then the internet almost put me out of business and I floundered probably from 1999, 2000 to 2010 on the balls of my ass.

I couldn't afford water for my kids and I just grinded, grinded. I beg barred and steal borrowed money from everybody I ever fucking met, borrowed money from the mafia, didn't pay my taxes. I dug a $7 million hole because I didn't want to lose my life and my lifestyle. I was advised, go out of business, bankrupt yourself, wipe it out and start again. I'm like, well, A, can't beat the mafia out of money because don't put a gun in my mouth and kill me. B, government ain't going away.

And C, I can't fuck friends. My sister-in-law lent me money. Every friend I ever met, PS by 2018, I paid every fucking penny back, $7 million fucking dollars. And then by the grace of God, Dave Portnoy, who owns Barstool Sports, called me and said, Stu, me and my father used to watch you in the 90s on the sports advisors. We fucking love you.

We don't like you. We love you. We want to bring back your sports advisor show, rebranded Barstool Sports Advisors. And then in 2006, they used my TV show in the movie Two for the Money. Al Pacino played me, Rene Russo played my wife, Matthew McConaughey in real life, played a disgruntled employee that worked for me. And in that movie, Al Pacino... M.D.

M.D. M.D. Yeah, exactly. Al Pacino, Matthew McConaughey and Jeremy Pivitt were on my TV show. So basically now, I'm like the hottest fucking thing in the world. I mean, I'm not as hot as you. I'm not as good looking as you, but I'm fucking hot as shit, just like you said the other day.

You go to a car val your mom. I can't go anywhere without people. And by the grace of God, listen, if I was fucking my wife and someone wanted to take a picture, I would tell my wife, honey, hold on, and I'll take the picture because this is like, this is like living a storybook life. I mean, one of my favorite scenes is the scene where I console or I wouldn't say console, but it's probably the only time in retrospect that you see her be kind is with Bodie's grandmother. When they raid and they're turning...

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Real early in the show. Yeah. You go and he says to you, what the fuck were you doing in there? Right. And you were very gentlemen.

And you know what? I remember getting shaken down by cops in time. And there was one cop that came back and he goes, hey, we're sorry about this, you know, not not impersonal, but the show is very unapologetic. As you watch this show, you're going to realize people don't change. People are who they are. You know, you watch a show and a lot of people sort of have this epiphany and they change their life and all their bad qualities are miraculously gone.

It doesn't happen in this world. It does not happen. I played a character for five years who more or less was a bully when he needed to be who worked outside of the lines. Yes, he tried. He was doing it to bring down drug dealers. You know, it's not like he was doing it to rob old ladies or whatever, but it doesn't justify what he was doing.

He wasn't able to work within the guidelines in order to make a case or bring up a wire. But if you notice and that we could we could have this conversation when you finish the because you're going to say, oh, you know, Hurricane Carver that fuck ups that this that that, but I have a rebuttal for that sometimes because I've heard it enough time, but there's no hope in the show. Anybody who represents hope doesn't make it. And you see that you're on season three. You're with Hamster.

Damn. Bunny Colvin has been introduced. I think it's just Robert F wisdom, who you should definitely have on your pod because I mean, even his history, Ross safari in and and Bob Marley. I mean, man, I mean, want to give it away, but I would I would love to facilitate that for you because you should have them on your show. I love Kima. And I'll help you out anyway.

I love Kima. Kima. I love Kima. I like what she's going through right now with the with the fucking wife and she's pregnant and she don't want to be a cop. And then on the other end, you got the smooth chief, the thin brother that could pass and his going through the same thing with his wife and my heads. I'm watching this going.

And I've never seen a show where they're showing you what's going on at home now as a cop. Joey, did you realize this? This show is it shows. Everybody, every race, every class, everybody in all different stages, whether you could be white and corrupt, you could be white in the nice part. You could be on the street and have a heart. You could have a badge or the credentials or the stripes on your sleeves and be the be just as bad as the person that you're trying to incarcerate.

You could be a politician. You'll get to that later. But you see it. You see the breakdown. You see the breakdown of the social fabric because the show is the star of the show is Baltimore. Baltimore represents every little American city in the United States. You understand? Yes.

That is why that show resonated should have resonated back then and it resonates even more so today. I'm watching it and it's like it happened yesterday. Let's get that out of the way. Almost like it's timeless. And that is David, David Simon, Nina, big shout out to Ed Burns, Robert F. Colesbury, all the writers, all the producers who have played on that show and they're genius. Now let's get to the other side of this because let me tell you something.

To fill that void, whoever did the casting, I'll suck his dick or her dick. The casting is. Wait, you don't know. You don't know Alexa Fogo? No. I like that. You had to submit a tape to Alexa. Oh my God.

Oz. No. Never was. All Tom Fantana stuff. Nothing. She is. Nothing. New York.

She's New York. Ever cast that show? Oh. When I see that chubby black dude with the dredge that's a drug deal like a kingpin in his own that the. Proposition Joe. Proposition Joe. The casting on him.

So he passed away, but God bless you. Yeah, I'm fucking real the acting on that dude on real his look. The casting when he's eating. Yeah. You know, it just shows. I mean the. Snoop. Snoop.

Come into the picture. Snoop. No. Snoop. Not yet. With Omar. Not yet. Snoop dog.

No. The girl Snoop. No, she hasn't been in yet. We haven't. We haven't. Yeah, we haven't even gotten the fucking Omar. I decided early on with all the television I've watched everything movies. I think one of my favorite fucking bad guys right now is Omar.

When he comes into the projects and he goes, Oh, the big bad wolf. And he's like, don't make me come up there. He cocks the shotgun. And it's like a six second now, like maybe a 20 second pause and you're like, why isn't anybody shooting this motherfucker from a window? But instead a bag of crack falls out of a fucking window and lands next to him. And you're like, Holy fuck. The writing is second to none.

I like that they didn't make the long show. I'm an Italian. That would have been the easy route. Yeah. And that's not the case in Baltimore and Baltimore. Right. It's not the case. They made them Polish and whatever.

Greek. You know, I like all. I don't. And even that guy, not the guy, the guy that played the Greek has been in a thousand things. Oh, the old man, the old man. Which guy are you talking about with the glasses that they want to see him all the time? The, the belongs to him and want to keep seeing him. And finally he shows up and old guy.

He was on Miami. Are you talking about Paul Ben Victor or Bill Raymond? I don't know. The Greek. Then there's a little guy that he was in casino. Oh, no. He was in the Irishman. He was in the Irishman.

The dude who there's two dudes that play the Greek. The one dude is the one that talks. My boy, everybody loves Raymond and Pacino to invest in his hotel in Vegas. Come on. What can we do here for us? The guy that you. You see, you remember when you played in the three stooges as well. I thought that's where you were going.

No, no, no, I'm a three stooges. I love all that shit. We're trying to make it happen. People want to bother me when I'm starting this beautiful fucking episode of the joint. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling better. I just smoked a little before the podcast to loosen up a little bit, get the speedy those mallows out of here.

I didn't know if I told you yet. We're back Monday, but I'm also back mentally on the fucking. If you ain't high by two o'clock, go fuck your mother's back in full fucking swing. I've been doing it for 30 days now. So that puts me back in the club and back as the CEO. If you don't, if you're not high by two o'clock, I don't know what to do with yourself. You know what I'm saying? Me, I'm happy again because I get to smoke a little tootsie roots and walk on the fucking

treadmill. Speaking of the treadmill, I was on that motherfucker this morning doing my little joint. Listen to power rage again. I've been going through every day. I put in a different album like yesterday was fucking Pyromania the day before Saturday was high and dry fucking Friday with no Friday. I didn't walk. Yes, I did.

I walked at night. I put a little black Sabbath gray. They say it's I'm always mixing and fucking up on the treadmill. But listen, like I told you, motherfucker, the treadmill got a lot easier when I do three fucking bunk hits. I don't even put Visine in my eyes. I go out there raw dog in it. You know what I'm saying?

It's in the old, it's early in the morning. I ain't going to bump into no parents. I ain't going to bump into nobody. I'm going to bump into the fucking relics at the gym. And they know I like to fucking smoke some reef from time to time. But besides that, it's been a great motherfucking week so far before the podcast started. My shoulder popped out. So if I make funny faces like I got to take a shit, it's got nothing to do with that.

My fucking shoulder popped out. Me and Mike Watson hitting the fucking blunter debt. He had one of his fucking cocoa blunts. And I had a regular blunt from the dudes. And we took a couple of hits. Nice. Nice. It's going to snow.

It was supposed to snow yesterday. It came down for a fucking maybe eight fucking minutes. I was excited too. I'm like, fucking some snow. People going to be off the streets. My daughter's at school. That means when she gets home and fucking four or three, we can have a little snowball fight. Caput turned to fucking water.

I don't know about this climate shit. All I know is that when I was growing up in Jersey, you didn't see the sidewalk from fucking December to like March. And then you started seeing like yellow snow, the first snow that the dogs pissed on. You see those little frozen shits. And then you see like 22 inches of snow on top of that. That's the fucking Jersey I grew up in. People calling me every day, Joey, how cold is it?

I mean, at 37, it was 15 last week. That was cold. But besides that, guys, I grew up in this fucking state when January was zero, zero. Like I've been thinking, oh my God, I was thinking about my fucking past. January is here. Like it. Like I did three things that I still remember the cold fucking weather. Like I could still remember pretty much what I wore to combat the weather.

Like the coldest night I think I ever encountered as a young kid. I had a lot of cold nights. But in January, like I remember when I had to cut through a cemetery one night and it was freezing. I had a P and my P froze in my pants because I took a shit and I peed, but I didn't pull my pants all the way down. And the P froze in my pants. And then I remember another night when we're up up in Hudson County Park. That was one of the coldest nights I ever fucking encountered. I had to stop like every two blocks to duck in to get warm people throwing us out.

I wasn't even given a fuck. I was just going into businesses. My buddy Loops were like, fuck it. That's the night we went to the Wing Fung on 78th and Burger Line. That was one of the last times I ran out of that motherfucker because we were going there and robbed from them. Like not robbed physically, but we go in there and get like three entrees, soups and shit. And then we run the fuck out of there. We must have done that 20 times.

I think by 8081 they got used to us. So now they would fucking lock the doors and shit. And it was just bored. I got bored with them chasing me. But one night we were in there and then there was another night. The night I went to see missing persons in Pisaic. There's a fucking pretty good venue in Pisaic. I only went to Pisaic two times to start theater early on before I knew who the fuck they were.

I went to see Rainbow and the fucking Scorpions. And I knew Michael Shanklin was there. I went with this fucking dude that was big. He was into that type of music and he had the ticket. But the night I went there with Furnie Bossasudo and my man Beniri, we froze to death. And we had a fucking car. He had a car. And we were freezing with the heater on. That's how fucking cold Jersey was.

That's what I fucking remember about Jersey. And on the corners, the puddle and the daytime, the sun would melt a little bit of the fucking snow. So the corners would just be draining. Little melted fucking things. But after about lunchtime, the drain would start to fill in. And you wouldn't know it. You'd be walking down the street concentrating on staying warm and shit, minding your own business. And you stepped off the fucking sidewalk and your whole foot went into that.

Because you thought it looked like ice. It would freeze. Every 30 seconds, the motherfucker would freeze. You could step on it, keep going and go, fuck. I can't believe I went through the ice. Your foot would be, you would have to wear even the galoshes. I was a galosh man. I didn't like winter boots and shit.

Yeah, I was a galosh man growing up. Those galoshes like 10 fucking bucks. You strap them on your shoes over your boots and they don't let you slip. So I was a galosh man. So I could tell you, those galoshes are good if you're not going to go deep sea fucking fish diving. If your foot goes to the ice, the galoshes do no good. Your whole fucking foot gets wet. And all of a sudden you're walking home and you hear like...

And after about another mile, that fucking foot freezes the fuck up dog. That's what I think, that's what inspired my fungi toenail. That it got fucking frosted all the way to the end when I was a kid. I remember those fucking nights. There was a prosaic theater. There was the night where Fokker had chilled. Then there was another night, I can't remember. It doesn't fucking matter.

Oh, it was the same night. Then I ate the kway lute with Fokker and those guys. I couldn't make it home. I had to sleep in a fucking alleyway. Until this day, I got to ask myself how the fuck I stayed warm in that motherfucker all night. Because when I woke up, I couldn't move parts of my fucking body. I think it was the kway lute that stopped my... What's that shit when your bones freeze outside, if you don't have fucking weather?

If you don't have like gloves on and you keep throwing... What's it called? Frostbite. Yeah, frostbite. If you have frostbite for a few minutes, the fucking finger falls off or whatever the fuck happens. Dog, I slept out in this frigid motherfucker all night. I had igloos around me. That was about the time.

Whenever I think about this, dog listen guys, I was a retarded young man. I have no regrets. I will always tell you this because I don't want you to think like I was a five beta cat. But when you look at the pictures I posted a few weeks ago, my shoulders are big and you know, I look good and stuff but I was a fucking complete moron. And I'll never forget like 8081. I think I told this story on the Joe Rogan podcast and people hated me for this. I had gotten some dough.

That was when I fucking cashed the checks. I cashed these three checks and I ended up making like 20 grand. I was in high school when I put the 20 grand in my drawer under my socks and shit. Nobody ever knew that money was there. My friends would come over. I was living with the benders. Nobody. And I would just take the 20 off the top every now.

Like fuck, it's like my own ATM machine. I don't know how long it lasted. And it's wild how anything within that can sort of create a reality. Whether it's a reality that's close to what's actually going on or us thinking our parents are still alive. We're thinking those thoughts and we might seem crazy to other people but that is our reality. That's our truth in that moment because our brain isn't, you know, it's so powerful that it creates whatever that world is. It really is.

Like your mind is unbelievable. You know, I was reading about that new diet. Noon. Noon. Noon. I was just reading about it. Some guy was talking about it on Instagram. They had something and I said, let me look this thing up.

And it's a diet unlike like Weight Watches or whatever. It attacks your mental. Wow. You want it to this diet the first 20 days or something is a lot of journaling. A lot of walking 9,000 steps a day shit like that. It teaches you how to eat all over again, but it's psychological and it's pretty interesting. I was thinking about joining up and seeing what it's about. I'm just not in the mood to start another fucking diet.

I'm happy with Weight Watches. It works, but it just goes to show you that if the mind can, what's that? The mind can conceive. The body can achieve. Yes. So it all starts with your mind first. It really does. It's like you can create your own placebo effect.

It's so weird how I did a podcast last year about turning the switch. How some people it's harder for some people turn the switch on quicker than others. If I put two people on the same open mic and watch them and they both do the same amount of sets every night. One guy is going to naturally be ahead of the other guy. You know what I'm saying? Like one guy and then the one guy catches up over in time. The guy that got ahead, his cat dies. He doesn't go off for a week and then the other guy comes in and does the sets and catches up to him.

But it's just really interesting how we could start at the same time and we could both have different results. But we both get to the same destination. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Like we come. Yes. The destination is the comedy store. Every night on stage, that's where I want to be.

So when you write down that goal, that's where it starts. I want to be at the comedy store four nights a week. Next to Bill Burr, next to Justin May Paluso, next to Joe Rogan. And the more you write that, that's why I always say I like writing goals because the power of the pen. The power of the pen will take you there without you even fucking knowing. It's so weird even now I write little goals and I go to the gym and boom, three weeks later I'm achieving them. And I thought I can, you know, like being able to row 20 minutes in a row, you know, on the row machine, whatever the fact. Like I always do stupid shit like that.

You know, I started walking on the treadmill. So you got to like fucking put it up to 10 and run up the hill and die and then switch it. But you got to change it up on your mind. You know, it's so weird how the mind, and I got to be honest with you. And people aren't going to believe when I tell you this with comedy. I did a lot of fucking meditating and I had to see myself there first. Like I would go to a theater with Joe Rogan and go, wow, I'm never going to be able to play this fucking theater. And then I would go, see, you're catching yourself talking shit.

Yep. You have to leave here saying you'll be back on your own one fucking day when you leave the theater. Have your hand touch the wall or whatever and then go home that night and write it. I want to play this fucking theater. When I opened, when I used to work for Joe and I would go to those theaters, I fucking wrote those theaters names down. I think I'd like the 31 theaters he took me to. I went to 27 of them on my own. Wow.

You know, and a lot of people don't know about that little secret that I did on my own just to prove to myself that this is where you came at one time as an opener. And now you came back here as a headliner. Yeah, it's, you know, you're basically applying a lot of really advanced strategy for yourself, you know, visualizing and visualization is huge for achieving goals. It's probably one of the most important aspects of it and writing it down. I do the same thing. I do the same exact thing, mainly because I have ADD, like, you know, actually diagnosed ADD, not just when people say, oh, I have OCD. I have ADD. I really do.

And it's a struggle. And one of the things that helps me with all my chaotic thoughts is writing them all down. And I realize the same thing where you, you start to write things down and then you're like, it's really, it's really important to track yourself. Otherwise, we're just ships with no direction. We're literally just floating around in this fucking ocean, not, not doing anything, not going to any port, not visiting anybody, not catching any fucking fish. You're just a ship in the ocean doing jack shit. You're rudderless. Exactly.

You're rudderless. And it's funny because when I got into comedy, I knew nothing. You know, I didn't have a coach to tell you. So everything I did, I figured out on my own. And the little things were to write the date, the name of the venue, you know, if you were a feature or a headliner or MC. I wish I would have done that. And I would write out my set and then, but I would be honest with myself, like when I get home from a show before I even did a line of coke. Before I rolled the joint before I peed before I took a shit.

It was a discipline that I opened up this notebook and would write down my sets. So I did the Houston Laptop. I did okay. I could have done better. Would you write that down? Yes. And I wouldn't write the reasoning like I would never say the audience sucked. I would always put I need to work harder.

And I would always put the material that I used the key jokes. So when I come back, I don't use those jokes again. And it's funny when I lived in Boulder, I started that and in Boulder, I had a 20 month, 20 set a month goal. You were not going to hit it. There wasn't 20 sets. There was no way. Colorado. Yeah.

When I was an open mic, unless somebody took you on the road and I wasn't ready for that. Unless you're entertaining a field of weed. Yeah. No, I would go to like, I would follow like a fucking, what's that shit that Miley Cyrus's dad invented? The whoopee song, whatever the fuck. I remember they used to dance that fucking dance in my breaky, breaky heart. A bunch of red necks with boots and hats on and a fucking shuffling dog Sunday nights. I would follow a line dancing class.

There was comedy at eight after a fucking hour line dancing class. You had to throw the red necks out because that's the way the club did it. And then they do country dancing that night at nine. Fucking horrible. You know, Monday I was at a fucking Australian bar and they put us in the back of the rehearsal room, like the rooms had padding and shit on it. And you had to close the door and you couldn't breathe in there. People were on stage turning purple because it was like a bank vault and they would only seat 16 people. Tuesdays I had the comedy works Wednesday at Club 56 or the fucking Elvis impersonators room.

He was a chef and then he was an Elvis impersonator. He weighed like 500 pounds or had opened for him and then wait for him to do his sets. I could go back up there and greet him. Good night. Nobody knows. I'd rather take it up the ass and had that job. Now in hindsight that I think about it, seeing an Elvis impersonator is fucking suicide. Like that's what Elvis like, listen, I'm not, you can do 20 years in jail or sit through a set of an Elvis impersonator with a knife next to you. If you can make it, you'll fucking walk free out of this fucking prison. Thursday at El Torrito, the Mexican joint in Burbank where the fucking you get poisoned in there.

The food was horrible. El Torrito was so fucking bad. El Torrito