Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #179 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, July 11th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Express VPN, Lucy.co & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.ExpressVPN.com/JOEYfor 3 Extra Months Free! Go to https://www.Lucy.co Use PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #ExpressVPN #BetterHelp #Lucy The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? I missed you, cocksuckers. It's the 11th of July. It was a great fucking week to take off, you know, the holiday and shit. Who wants to fucking do podcasts?

Who wants to listen to podcasts? You guys are out with your families. So fuck it. I didn't do it for a week. Me and Mike took the week off. We didn't do an album of the week. We didn't do shit. But smoke, fucking reefer, eat and spend time with the family, which is always a fucking good thing to fucking do.

A couple people fucking died while we were away. Jesus Christ. But people are in shock about it. And I'm like, hey guys, they were fucking old. James Cahn was 82 years old. It was time for James to go and it was Paulie Walnuts who's 79. God bless his soul. Fucking great character.

Funny guy, stand up guy. Listen guys, I never really knew him. Like some guy said to me today, hey man, I'm sorry about Paulie Walnuts. I was like, I didn't know him. You know, I met him one time. We were shooting the soprano movie and he was there and I said hello. Yeah, he was very cool. He was already older, you know.

We talked for maybe two minutes. I'd love to tell you I was friends with him and we hung out and I did time with him. But that's not what happened. Then James Cahn, fuck. And you know what's crazy about James Cahn, man? I was noticing last week, like we have a short memory as fucking Americans. We really do have a short fucking memory. Like it's like we dismissed.

It was like when the fucking Cosby's, when Cosby got in trouble. You know, nobody remembered how he fucking fired Lisa Bonet for doing a fucking sex scene. That fucking filthy hypocrite. Never mind all the rapes and all that shit. He was a fucking hypocrite all the way through. But anyway. He talks shit when people talk. Yeah, he's a fucking, he's out of his fucking mind.

But that's, that's not the fucking point. We always forget about, you know, things with people, projects that they did. When James Cahn died, everybody was talking about the Godfather and misery. Listen, I love James Cahn, the Godfather. Don't get me wrong. But if you really want to see a James Cahn movie and guys, I love the thief. I think that's one of my top five movies. I love everything about James Cahn, that movie.

But you motherfuckers forget Brian's song. Huh? Remember? Anybody? I'll wait motherfuckers. Nobody remembers Brian's song. It's about fucking a black football player played by Billy D. Williams and James Cahn. I think he played Rocky Blythe.

Don't fucking quote me on this shit. That movie, I saw that movie when I was like eight. Dog, I cried for a fucking week. I'm going to cry just thinking about the fucking movie. It was such a great fucking movie in the 70s, way before the Godfather. He did that movie. It stayed with me for a couple fucking days for different reasons. And you guys know I love movies.

This shit they're making today, this ain't fucking movies no more. I was somewhere the other day watching commercial. Like my daughter's like, look dad, the commercial for door. And I'm like, that doesn't look good at all. Like it just doesn't look good. Like who the fuck, you know, you go see a movie now and you fucking leave. And like I saw the Adam Sandler movie on Netflix. I forgot I saw it.

There are so many movies. The last two years I just watch a movie and it blows by you. And then you watch like series like The Wire or something and you're like, okay, this is good fucking television. But cinema, cinema has gone to the fucking wolves, guys. And, you know, they don't make movies that you go, wow, I got it. Before I see another movie, I got to think about what I just fucking saw. I got to think about that scene and the acting. You know, Brian Song is about a Pittsburgh, two fit Pittsburgh football players.

And I don't know who I forget. It's been a long time guys. I don't know who was dying of cancer. One of them was dying of cancer and the other one was his friend for all you motherfuckers that love to cause racism problems between black and white. Watch that fucking movie. Watch that fucking movie. And like I said, I cried for a fucking week.

When he died in that movie, you fucking cry. I mean, I didn't know anything about that. It got me into football. It got me into so many things. So yeah, the thief was good fucking. Godfather's great. Forget about misery. He's fucking great misery.

But as far as an acting movie that Jesus, it fucked up my childhood. I got to be honest. He's just thinking about it. I'm like, God damn that movie fucked me up like a year because it was the first time and I like I had lost my dad. But it's that movie was so good. I don't know how to explain this to you. It made you experience a loss. Like after that movie, you're like, fuck, I'm beat up.

And again, some people are like, you know what? I don't want to see that type of movie, Joey. No, a lot of people don't. But you got to watch it because it's definitely up there with the fucking and the great movies of our fucking time. But check out Brian's song. Rest in peace to my man James Kahn and even like Paulie. Like everybody said, oh, Paulie just fuck. Paulie did a movie with James Michael Vincent when I was a kid.

I don't know. And I remembered Paulie from that. And I remember seeing him and like good fellas and a couple of other fucking things. But I go back with Paulie like not friendship wise, but I go back with Paulie as a fan to maybe like the 80s. I think that was probably one. If you look, that's probably one of his first projects when he got out of fucking jail. He was in jail or whatever. And that's why he was an inspiration to me too.

Anybody who does some time and does something with that life. I got to tip my hat out to him because you have no fucking idea how tough it is to put it together when you got out of a fucking joint. But anyway, what I want to talk to you guys today was about fucking. You know, I look at the podcast, I look at the church and I look at what we've done over the years and I really don't talk a lot about social shit. And it's not because I don't want to talk about it or because it's a hot potato. I got to be honest with you. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it.

When you're focusing, when you're a fuck up like me and you want to focus on who's got money. You know, who I'm in what I knew like when I do the album of the week and all that shit for patron. You know, I was people like, Hey man, you know, some weird stuff about music because I was a loser because I was a loser for years. And I read cream magazine and Rolling Stone and you know, I read all that shit, which in the end of it at the end of the day, it don't do dick for you. It's just a bunch of worthless information. When you go get a job, nobody's going to ask you a fucking Randy Rhodes was born. Nobody's going to say to you, what kind of guitar did Tony I owe me play? You know, nobody's going to ask you what drum kit fucking Taylor used.

You know, it doesn't matter, but we as Americans, we want to be embroiled with all this social consciousness. And I love it. I love that you want to do it. I will look at some podcasts and I go, I don't even know how that person knows about those topics. How do they find time to read up on all that shit? Like my whole journey since I started the podcasting and doing all this shit was how to get myself to be better. Me watching TV or a trial isn't going to make me a better person. I never watched the OJ trial.

I never watched the Amber Heard trial. I wouldn't watch that if you fucking paid me. I could, you could have watched that trial dubbed like I got to turn it off and I could have done the fucking. I could have tell you what they did to each other. Shit on the bed. That's Hollywood. That's a Hollywood dirt merchants. All the money in the world can't buy fucking class and you people are in shock.

You people like, oh my God, they live these, these people are the nastiest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life because they're so rich. They forgot how to do things to themselves. Whether it's cut their toenails, whether it's clean the fucking toilet, you know, I take a shit. And when I take a shit, I fuck up those fucking toilets. You know who cleans those toilets? Me. My wife tells me, you better clean that fucking shit toilet. Those people have never shit it.

They never cleaned the toilet. So the reality is fucking so gone, guys. I don't, I didn't watch a minute of that trial and I could tell you just from what people told me what, you know, what the fuck was going on. It's no shop to a guy like me because I've heard all those things. You don't hear those things. You live off what you read off people magazine or what people say on TV shows and shit. But when you're out there living, you catch different things from people. People, like if you go shoot a movie, an actor came in last week like that.

That was talking, we were talking about comics. When I was doing the road all those years by myself, you know, some weeks I went out with Rogan. Some weeks I went out by myself. When I was doing the road by myself, I noticed something fucking hilarious. Anytime you got to a club and the waitstaff was pissed off on a Tuesday, it's because two things. Either Shriek was there. What was his name? Shriek Shrek.

The guy from fucking that show that stabbed somebody, you know, Sheik Shrek. I don't know what the fucking kid's name is. He just died recently of cancer. He was on a TV show with all the Mario Lopez and all those fucking kids when they were younger. And then Screech. Screech, that fucking worthless penguin. Yeah, he died about a year ago during the fucking pandemic. When I was on the road, Screech was causing fucking havoc on the road.

Havoc. Every goddamn time I got to a club and they will screech was down. Oh my god. Damn it. The staff is pissed. The manager's pissed. The people at the hotel was pissed. There's two comics that when you went in after them, the fucking waitstaff was pissed.

Screech and fucking Angel Salazar, who I love. Angel's one of my dogs. I hope he's doing well. Screech fucking drove everybody so fucking crazy. So when you got to a comedy club, it's like, comics don't, when you live in LA, you see a comic at the store. You see a comic at the Improd. You see a comic at the Life Factory. You really don't know what's going on with them.

It's when you go on the road that when you get to a club, you go, who was here last week? And they'll tell you and they're like, oh, that fucking guy brought in fucking hookers. And you know, so anything you do is never really a secret. The club owners tell you everything. Oh, he came here. He was eating fucking mushroom. You know, and they tell you things very innocently, but they don't know at the same time they're spreading fucking rumors. Because now these comics go back to LA and go, hey, you know what the fucking club owner told me in St. Louis?

That when this comic was there, he was taking it in the ass. He talks all that shit about being married. You have no fucking idea. But my point is when you go on a set, it's the same thing. They shoot the big stars out, the principles first. So when you get on a set, yeah, you might have a day with Ray Liotta. You might have a day with James Kahn, whatever. But all those stars are shot out early.

So when you get there, by the time a bum like me gets there to shoot, they're telling you all these little things. This guy shit his pants. This guy's fucking feet smell. This guy smelled like pee. This guy didn't shower. And you're like, these guys are fucking rich millionaires. I mean, some of these actors come on the set in the morning without showering. Nothing.

They go not brushing their teeth, not combing their hair. They go on a set and there's such big stars that people just dress them up. It's crazy. I've heard stories where actors walk on with no teeth, fucking black eyes, and they come on an hour later looking like fucking Johnny Vovac. They're fucking sharp. Their teeth are in, you know, everything's in. But that's not what you hear about all the creepy shit they did. Like they brought a fucking kid to the set.

You hear all this shit and you're like, you know what, I wish I didn't hear it. So I never really got into none of that shit. I didn't really care. You hear stuff. Yeah, whatever. But with like Amber heard and all this, what was another case that just fucking happened? I don't know any of this stuff, guys. So I'm sorry if my podcast is short-handed in that department.

I don't like talking about shit. I don't know. I'm not going to sit here and talk to you motherfuckers about parachutes. I don't know anything about fucking parachutes. You know what I'm saying? But the reason why I'm talking about this is a couple of weeks ago before the break, I was shocked by this guys. I mean, one thing I do like is the law.

I love watching like reading about cases and stuff like that. I told somebody a couple of weeks ago when I lived here in 85, 84 at night, when I got out of work, I would go to this fucking deli on 30th Street and I would buy a fucking sandwich, like a fucking Italian hero sandwich is 1985, 84. And I would go downtown where they shoot law and order. And I would just sit in courtrooms. I would go to court with a fucking bag of wise potato chips, a fucking hoagie and a fucking 16 ounce Coke. And I would sit there till two in the morning watching Night Court.

All the people that they were bringing in for fucking drinking or vagrancy or doing coke in a club or fist fighting. I would sit there for hours. I'd love that type of shit. That's an education going to court, especially at that time. I was thinking I was going to be an attorney. I don't know how the fuck I was going to pull it off with no high school diploma and a criminal background, but that was what I was fucking going for. So I didn't know what was going on or anything with this trial. You know, I'm busy trying to get back into stand up and raising my daughter.

And I heard the fucking Jay-Z and what not Jay-Z bite my tongue. I heard that our Kelly got 30 fucking years. So I just for two days, I didn't really pay who gives a fuck about our Kelly. I don't, you know, so I'm just, but 30 years, I give a fuck about when somebody gets 30 years, something ain't right. Like Mike Tyson got six years, seven years for the rape, the accused rape. He never raped nobody. He got seven years for that. You know, that's the slap on the fucking wrist. You know, that was looking at nine years for kidnapping, violent, kidnapping to violent all the way.

Plead guilty to that. That's nine fucking years, you know, after you get out at seven fucking years with good behavior, whatever. But I didn't know what our Kelly had done. I knew he fucking slept with underage girls, but that's where it ended. Even that, when our Kelly started coming back up a couple of years ago, like people were in shock. Oh my God, he dates underage girls. Hello, where the fuck were you in 1993? When he was dating fucking Aliyah, when he married Aliyah, when she was 14. Anybody who sees that fucking girl knows she's for it. Look at the fucking pictures of it. You're like, that's a fucking girl.

You know, a couple weeks, I went to a barbecue around the corner. Maybe two, like when I got back from fucking birthing, I think, I don't know. And I'm at the pool and my daughter's in the pool, a bunch of other girls, her age, they're nine, maybe 10, they're running around. You know what I'm saying? So I'm checking on them. I'm talking to these parents over here and I'm checking on the girls. And there's a couple of boys in there too. But one of the things, the baby should have slipped in and she's like 24. And she went up with like a beanie, beanie, weenie fucking bikini. So I'm sitting there and I'm talking to the parents and also I go to check on the girls and I see this girl.

And I didn't see her walk in. So I'm like, holy fuck, Katie's getting big. Because the biggest kid out of the group is a girl named Katie. And I look and I'm like, holy fuck, Katie's getting big. She's got some fucking body for a 12 year old. And then I go, is that Katie? And they're like, no, that's the baby. So I go, holy shit, I got all confused by watching. And then I looked at her for a couple of minutes and I know the baby says she's really sweet. I know her and her boyfriend.

I asked her on the way out, can I ask you a question? How old are you? And she goes, I'm 24. And I told my wife then I go, you know, Kristen might be 24, but she's a girl. Like when I saw her, she's a girl. That's a kid. That, that, you know, I couldn't even talk to that girl. Like I say hello to her and shit. She asked me about my daughter, whatever we talked, but what would I say to her in a club or something like that? And I thought about a friend of mine that was not really a friend.

He's an acquaintance from LA. He was 59. And his wife was 21. And it was, it just didn't work for me guys. I'm sorry. When he told me that and she came to the office to fucking rip my fucking podcast office. I cannot believe it. I looked at this girl. Yeah, I looked at this girl and I'm like 24. I mean, that's a fucking girl. So all this shit about age, like 18, 18 never worked for me. Like I hear all these stories about comics with young girls, whatever.

Yeah, these girls are fucking 19, they're fucking 18, whatever, you know, I don't know. I don't know. Some guys like young girls. If you hear any of my stories, I always like older women anyway. When I was 19, I dated a 27 year old. And when I was 14, I was trying to hit on a 40 year old fucking milk. So, but just, just the fact that you would take that girl, bring her home and try to fucking then start a relationship with her. I mean, who benefits in this fucking relationship? You do as a fucking 40 or 50 year old pig.

But that girl is scarred for life. I know from looking at my dick, I wouldn't show my dick at this age to anybody. You understand me? The days of sucking Uncle Joey's dick have long been gone. I don't want to show my dick to anybody. It's been years since anybody's seen my dick. I showed you my ballsack during the comedy store fucking benefit and you guys had to go to therapy. Can you imagine this?

I show you the whole fucking package. I mean, I know this going in like I don't ever fucking like these girls. So they were all fucking that came to me at one shot that week. I'm like, who would date that fucking young girl like that? That's over. Anybody who's over 40 to date that girl, you're a fucking sack of shit. Don't tell me that it's love. It ain't fucking love.

It's perversion. So the other night, I'm like, what the fuck could I didn't really know? I thought he just slept with an underage girl. Holy fuck. So yeah, I went on Netflix. That's what I thought. I thought he slept with a couple of 16 year olds. That's what I thought R. Kelly had done.

I really don't know anything about his life. Guys, I was busy doing stand up. Do you understand me when you're when you're trying to move up a fucking notch in your life? You got to sacrifice that shit. That shit's not going to put any money in your pocket. It's not going to help you to achieve your goal at any fucking cost. So the other night, I'm smoking a couple of numbers. I'm stoned and I'm watching Netflix and there's nothing on and it says survive on R. Kelly.

Now I know that show came out like two years ago or whatever. And people were talking about how nasty he was. Guys, I watched five fucking episodes one night and I had to turn that motherfucking shit off. Like it was so fucking disturbing. Like when I told you guys that I moved to Jersey, one of the main reasons I moved to Jersey was just to get my daughter out of that world because shit rolls downhill, my friend. And those parents, that shit rolls downhill to those kids. And I had to get in the fuck out of it.

It just certain things I had to do to get in the fuck out of it for certain reasons. I can't put my finger on it. It was just time to leave. After I watched that, I turned off the fifth, maybe the fourth episode, the fifth episode. I go, I can't watch this anymore. Now I got to prepare to how to get my little girl prepared for this stupidity because, you know, all the girls have the same story. I mean, this motherfucker was hanging out of the high school.

He was hanging out at a fucking high school. Now let me tell you something guys. I quit high school in 1981. I think I went up there like once or twice to meet friends at the school and I felt like shit just going up there. Like what? There's a ton of kids that would quit school and hang out at school afterward. Like look at me, I quit school. You know what?

You're a fucking loser. You quit school. At least go fucking work, you know? I went up there like twice to meet friends, like at 2.30 and shit. I'm like, this ain't for me. Once you're out of that school, you're out of that school. There's no reason to go up there and hang out. Like nothing bothers me more about North Bergen that there's still guys my age walking around with football jackets on.

That's not fucking good. That's not good. It's time to move the fuck on, you know? But I watched this fucking thing and it was just disturbing to all hell what this guy was doing. I mean, this guy, he was married for a while. He would make her live in the room and bring other women to the house and kids and fuck them. He had a 12-year-old girl talk some fucking chick that he made a video with. I don't know.

She called him fucking somebody under the bed and there's a midget in the video and shit. I don't fucking know, guys. I just saw it on, I haven't watched MTV since 1994, since Kurt Cobain got fucking, since he iced himself. I don't know what the fuck is going on in the musical world. This motherfucker did a video with a girl and then she came back with her 12-year-old niece to meet Jay-Z. Jay-Z, I keep saying Jay-Z. I'm not going to get sued for fucking slander. I love Jay-Z.

Jay-Z didn't molest no 16-year-old. He had an adult girl that's fucking beautiful, this sister. He did a video with her and then, I don't know, in time the girl brought a niece and a rapper. 12 years old and the fucking kid had skills. The kid could fucking rap, so they figured they wanted something. So, you know, she never thought much about it and that's who he made the video with. Pissed in her mouth and shit. He made a fucking video with a girl.

I did not know this guy, so I know to you, you guys know this shit. I have no idea. And he pissed on this girl and I watched all these episodes. They were fucking making fun of him on Chappelle. Chappelle had like a big gallon of piss and he was just bringing a little more. I mean, it's fucking crazy. He pissed in the girl's mouth. He pissed on her.

This is fucking good. Then he made a video and somebody saw the video, so they made duplicate copies of it. And it's called like fucking whatever R Kelly sex tape volume one. I didn't know about this shit. And he fucking put the girl out there and then he met him while he was on trial. He met a girl that was 14 and put heart and he got these girls pregnant. He would, you know, guys, I could see, you know, like, what's the little chubby Kardashian? The one I like, you know, there's like, what's her name?

Courtney and then there's the fucking, what's the one that made the sex tape? So Kim made the sex tape. She's just a fucking animal. They should just put her in a cage, guys. She's just a fucking animal. They just came out that the mother set up the whole thing. Animals. Like I told you LA animals, anything for success.

Animals. What mother would make her daughter do a fucking sex tape? Listen, welcome to LA. Anyway, fucking the chubby one. The chubby one is very sweet, very cute. She's tried everything to be like her sister. Don't take you, it don't take you to be a fortune telling her what's going on in that Kardashian house. The chubby one is the cutest one.

She's sweet. She's loving. But you know what? Everybody cheats on her. Like everybody cheats on her. Every brother in the world has cheats on her. You know, I don't know if she doesn't give good head. I don't know if she doesn't stick her finger.

I don't know what the fuck she doesn't do right. But everybody cheats on her. You know what, guys, when a guy cheats on you, that's not a sex crime. When a guy cheats on you with some fucking chick of the club, it is what it is. You know what I'm saying? It's not a fucking sex crime. But this fucking guy, Jesus, Jesus, he was making the 17 year old go down on a 14 year old. And I just, I was fucking in shock, guys.

Listen, guys, listen, you know, we've all done our drugs. We've all liked to get our dick sucked. We all like to jump up and down. But the fucking piss on somebody like and just take these little girls. And you could see what really concerned me about my daughter was like, these were 15 year old girls. Listen, when I was a kid, when I was 17, I had a crush on Pat Bennett. Okay. I just had a crush on Pat Bennett.

Right. We all have a crush on somebody. Some people like fucking the chick from Fleetwood Mac. We all have a crush on somebody. You know, did I go see Pat Bennett a few times? Yeah, I went to see Pat Bennett. Did I chase it down for an autograph or a fucking picture or to give her a hug? No, I did something dumb.

When Pat Bennett was getting married in 1983 on MTV, MTV was going to have a wedding for in Hawaii. And in those days, I don't know, you're young, Mike, but in the days of MTV, MTV would do raffles every month. One of the raffles was Van Halen coming to your house to play in your backyard with like 20,000 cases of beer and shit. Every summer, every couple months, they had some type of raffle, you know. And right before I left in April of 83, MTV had a fire. It was through a rough patch. Like, you know, when you have bad luck, like it don't stop, but it was, it wasn't society's bad luck. It was me being the kiss of death.

Like I was fucking bad luck. So everything I touched turned to shit. So now I turn on MTV one day and fucking Pat Bennett is getting married to that fucking guitar player. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? That's it. That ain't happening. We're going to Hawaii and we're boycotting the fucking marriage, right? But I'm a broke dick.

I ain't even got money to go to Newark. How am I going to get the fucking Hawaii, right? So me and my buddies came up with a scam. We went out and we bought every fucking postcard, blank postcard that we could. And we made, put the MTV address, 125th Avenue, New York, New York, 10025. I'm still a geek. I still remember all that shit. And you have to put down like, you know, Pat Bennett, our contest.

Guys, I put at least 200 in the mailbox every day. I had people helping me. I had people mailing them from different mailboxes. Somebody said, spread them around. I mean, I was going insane. I was going to Hawaii to fucking step up to the pump to tell Neil Harald though to fuck himself. He was lucky if we didn't throw a beating on him. We were going to fucking drag him by his fucking little glamour guitar and take Pat Bennett off of him.

It's a fucking wild fantasy. But, you know, I'm an idiot. The coke is fucking pushing the dream a little bit. So what do I do? I fucking send, I don't know how many fucking postcards to Pat Bennett taught to MTV. They announced to winners on MTV. I didn't even win third place. Like, I think like fifth place is like, like a fucking picture of Pat.

I was be happy with a picture of Pat. I must have sent in guys a stack of those cards. And I won nothing. But I didn't chase her down to Hawaii and hook up with her or try to hook up with her. It's really sad that these girls were young kids and they were going to the fucking courthouses. You know, he would invite them over, tell them they could sing, come over and sing. The girl would sing. And they tell the girl, take your fucking clothes off, your fucking and sucking.

It's, it's, uh, that's worse than that. That's worse than somebody cheating on you. You know what I'm saying? And when the girls told you the story, like at first they were trying to keep it together. Like how cool they were. Like, you know, that this is something that just happened in their life. And it's like me talking to you about kidnapping or something that happened to me. But then after a while, you could see that they just break them.

You know, he knocked them up. He made them get abortions. He made them fucking, he just put them, he put these girls through the health of emotions. I mean, if he did it to 15 girls, I'll be surprised if four of them don't ice themselves. You don't come back from that at a young age like that. You know, when you put on you porn or whatever the fuck you guys watch and you see those retarded chicks with their eyes spread out or, you know, whatever the fuck they're doing, they're not all there. And they didn't get there by getting hit in the head by somebody. That's by somebody inflicting fucking trauma and sexual abuse constantly since they were little kids.

They didn't fucking know it. And they grew, I grew up with one of those girls that you could just ask them, like, do you mind sucking my dick? No, get in the car. She was 19, 20, you know, she just recently died three years ago, but I grew up with this girl that something was not right there. And yeah, you got your dick sucked from her one time. But if you love your mother and you have any fucking idea what's going on with mental health, you look at this girl and say, you know what? Me getting her to suck my dick isn't that big of a fucking deal. Anybody can do it.

I mean, obviously there's something wrong with the fucking girl. That blonde that you see at fucking Macy's that's harder than shit. The one that you went over, everybody's trying to hit on and nobody get nowhere. That's the chick you want to convince to suck your dick. Not once, but twice because you got to work for that motherfucker. That's a, you got to be a salesman. You got to show up with flowers and fucking planes that say, I love you. You know, the fucking planes that drag this shit.

I love you. Whatever the fuck. But, uh, yeah, guys, I just, I was fucking blown away, man. So sometimes I'm happy. I don't pay attention to fucking what's going on because I can't deal with it. I really, that's just this motherfucker. Now he has to go to another state and get sentenced again. I mean, it's all going to go concurrent, but he'll never fucking see the,

he'll never see daylight again, this fucking guy. And I think he was suing the court because they put him in suicide watch and she listened. They put you in suicide watch sometimes for your suicide, but sometimes they put you in that suicide watch. You don't get fucking killed. That's the bottom line. I've been to fucking jail. They have a section for the rats like protective custody.

They have that, but guess what? Those motherfuckers eat. So they'll try to poison you. You know what I'm saying? Like those, that suicide watch, they watch fucking everything. They watch what goes in, what goes out. So, yeah, maybe it's for his protection. I mean, he, and all that shit he did.

I mean, I can see if he did it, the white chicks, you know, to get back from what's, what's the thing black people are looking for? They're looking for a payment. Reprimation. I can see if you're going to fuck a bunch of white chicks and then go to court and just say reprimations, whatever the fuck it is. But he did it all to his own kind. He did it all to sisters, man, all to young sisters.

And you know what? These young sisters don't, they don't catch a break. You know, if you know anything about the ghettos and stuff like that, sexual, whatever is big in those fucking communities, all those kids come home. They grow up with a fucking story, you know, a drunk uncle, whatever the fuck it was, somebody who wasn't paying attention to him. Anyway, enough with the fucking pedophilia talk. I just didn't know that this shit was going on.

I didn't know they could throw somebody in jail for having sex 30 fucking years. I can see if he, I don't know if he raped them. I don't know what he did. I know he yelled them against their will. They were touching on that. Some parents didn't see their daughters for two fucking years. He would make them, you couldn't eat. He would starve them.

He would starve the girls. He would fucking, you had to ask him permission to use the bathroom. You had to ask him permission to eat girls. This is why this is why you got to be careful and watch your back at all times. You don't know what you're falling into. You know, now I know that there's a, I know that they were talking about the other day. There's a defamation case now that, you know, this made it great for guys. This was an embarrassing victory.

Whatever the victory was in the fucking Amber Heard, Johnny Depp thing, they're both fucking embarrassing and they both should be fucking ashamed of themselves. But now they're starting to talk about that there's another case coming up. My boy fucking crazy boy. You know, what's the guy that's fucking nuts? He dated the girl from an HBO show and she left him. He said he would put razor blades in a pussy and all that shit. What's that? You know, our boy there.

The freak show, whatever the freak show, you know, welcome to the show. Marilyn Manson. Yeah, the chick from Westworld. Yeah, that poor girl. She's going to go in there and say how she, when you date Marilyn Manson, he thinks he's going to bring your fucking dozen roses. He's going to bring you a fucking roses mixed with bob wire to show up, show up your fucking asshole as a sex actor.

If you're going over there to hold hands, you got to know the Adam, what you're fucking dealing with after goddamn time. So whatever. So the other thing I want to talk to you about that I did on the fucking vacation that guys, I fucking love this shit for years. And I did it as a hobby when I first was doing comedy. Like I did a hobby. I did it all my fucking life.

I was just a geek about it. I'm the type of guy that when I read something, I can tell them the first 10 pages. If I'm going to like this book or not. A lot of people like, oh, you don't like that book. I could tell in the first 10, I give a book like three or four chapters. And if it don't grab me, it's not for me. If it's one of these books where I got to wait for it to bust open. It's not going to work for me, you know.

So the last two years, I was a little fucking slippery and shit. My mind wasn't working right. You know, I was trying to write jokes. And I was just trying to write after I wrote the book with Erica. You know, we wrote it together. I've been trying to fuck focus on shit. And that's what was going on with me the last couple of weeks that I couldn't write jokes. Like I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Like, I don't even know how to write a fucking joke. I downloaded some stuff. I went online and I, you know, just looked up joke writing and I was still struggling. And all those shows I was doing, I was having a rough time. I was having a rough time doing over 15 minutes. And then when I went on the Bert tour, being up on stage loosened a lot of shit. And I started at least doing old jokes. It's not what I wanted to do, but at least I was starting to remember the old jokes.

I'm like, this is good that my mind, my mind is getting fucking exercised again. But it was Father's Day and my wife got me some books. About two months ago, I went to Barnes and Nobles with him in Freel. And I just bought a fucking book. Like I, I just bought a book about the New Jersey on the world. And I fucking read the thing in like four days. I was like, all right. Cause when I tried to read the Judas Priest book, the Rob Halford book, it was a great read.

But after sucking dick and fucking people in the ass and busting assholes, you could just take so much of that. But I couldn't focus it in. But guess what? When I finished this book, I'm going to start reading the Judas Priest was again because I'm having Eric Rocha next week. And we were talking about that. I didn't hear from him over gay pride month. That I wanted to hear some stories of some busted assholes and some fucking, you know, I hadn't heard from him. So we're going to have him on.

But anyway, my wife got me a fucking book. It's crazy. I spoke to TJ English and he says he's coming out with a new book August 16th or something like that. So I go, send me the book so I could read it. And when you get on the podcast, at least I'll know it's called like dangerous rhythms or something like that. So he sent me the book. And right as I was about to read it, I was going to take it with me on the birth tour. So, you know, you have all this fucking dead time.

But in fact, I took this other book of me. My wife got me the biggie small story or something like that, the story of biggie small, some new book that came out. And she got me this book here. The motherfucking Westies by TJ English. Holy shit. When this book first came out, I read it and the copy that I had for years, I saved this book and I gave it to Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan and me talked about this book for fucking years. In fact, when he had TJ English on this podcast, Joe kept trying to push this book like the Westies.

He wrote the Westies. He wrote the Westies. This, if you've never had it and it's funny, I'm doing the Sony theater is on 46 and eight Westies ran on 46. Westies ran on 48 and 10th and shit down towards the Hudson motherfucking river. If you don't know who the Westies are, it's a book about these fucking 13 Irish guys. Did you hear me? It's a book about these 13 Irish guys in the West side. They ran Hell's Kitchen.

There was a guy, Mickey Featherstone, who ran at first to something like that. They fucking shot him. This book will leave you like, what the fuck am I reading? These guys were so tough and I knew all this stuff already. It was just great to read it all over again. These guys are so tough. 13 of them that the mafia had to go talk to them. Like they didn't go up to Brooklyn or the Bronx.

The mafia had to go to the West side and talk to them. Paul Castellano, all of them had to go talk to them. There was 13 of these motherfuckers, maybe 15, 11. Who the fuck knows? It was a handful. And these guys were kidnapping mafia, booksharks, loan sharks, killing them and then collecting their debts. That's like fucking unheard of. Now, in all your knowledge, you're like, yeah, the mob, the mob, the mob didn't know what to do with these motherfuckers,

because they didn't give a fuck. They were shooting. They were doing drugs. They were fucking skinning people alive. These motherfuckers were the first ones that were like chopping people up. They took their hands off and their heads and then they had their body and they fucking buried the body. This book is so fucking good. But the reason why I like this book so much is because it opens up 20 other fucking avenues.

I don't know if you saw the movie Sleepers. They were Westies. Those four guys were Westies. That's why when Lorenzo Carcatera wrote that book, they were going to fucking kill them because these are like tough guys and gangsters on the Upper West Side. Now you're telling people that we went to jail and got raped? What the fuck are you saying? So that movie, the other movie that made with Sean Penn that he did with, who's the greatest actor of all fucking time?

The white dude, Gary Oldham. Holy shit, State of Grace. State of Grace is a movie that came out maybe 91, 90, 89. It's about the Westies, how they lived on the West Side, but they moved to fucking Northern New Jersey and they would go into the West Side every day. It's like an off movie about Sean Penn fucking was original with them. He grew up with them, but then he went away. John Turturro's in that movie. Gray fucking movie, State of Grace.

And then he comes back 20 years later and now all these young Irish guys are fucking gangsters. He comes back as a cop. Anyway, it's a good fucking, but it ties all this shit together. So if you read this book, it's cheap. The reason why I took it out today because I want to tell you something. It's cheap. The inside New York's Irish mob includes new and updated material. TJ motherfucking English, great fucking book, but it's interesting as shit.

These are the guys when you see sleepers that they walked into the bar and the guys are talking about politics. And the guy goes, listen to go over there, send them a drink on me, but tell them no fucking politics and no religion in this bar. Then they get up and shoot Kevin Bacon right in the fucking head. Tremendous. This is the shit I fucking live for. You understand me? But we're back. Huck suckers.

Last week, my stand upset was fucking tremendous. I have to be honest with you guys. All the other shit I did. Burt, I started coming alive. Atlantic City, if you saw me. Yeah, whatever. The guest spots I did at Uncle Vinny's. Yeah, whatever.

Burt's Bristol. I did okay in fucking whatever Bristol. I did okay. And Atlanta, I did a little fucking better, but nothing came together for me. And for you stand ups that are young and want to know what the fuck's happening. I'll tell you what's happening. And now for a word from our sponsor. Better help.

Listen, you got to take care of your mind. You spend a lot of time taking care of your skin, your hair, your teeth, but you never really think about your brain. You have to take care of your brain because it affects how you experience life. Investing time and energy and mental health is crucial happiness. Eating right, working out, getting plenty of sleep. They're a good start, but there's no substitute for talk therapy. Listen, better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable.

Why is therapy important? I don't know. It helped me. Dana did great work with me. She gave me exercises to do. We spoke every week. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat therapy sessions. Listen, there's no stigma with it, guys.

We all got it. Look at this guy, Sean Mendez. He had to cancel three weeks of his tour. He said it was overwhelmed. That guy's going to go talk to somebody. Hopefully, it's better help. You can choose to either see someone on camera or not. And it's much more affordable than in-person therapy.

You can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. What I'm going to do for you, joint listeners, get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Joey. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you 10% off your first month. That's how we're rolling with better help. Contact better help and start your therapy right now. And I've done this a lot in my life.

And it's not a good thing to do. Do not worry about this. This is why when people tell me they're thinking about doing stand-up, but they have to write material. I tell them not to worry about the material. I go for right now. Like, if you came to me and said, Joey, I want you to be my stand-up coach. All right, I want you to take me from point A to point Z.

How do I do this? I'd say to you, number one, just get on stage. But Joey, let me get some material. No material. I want you to get on stage. Let's do that. Let's just get that out of the fucking way. Let's get on fucking stage.

You're going to stay out there for three minutes. I'm going to stay there with a marksman repeater. You know what a marksman repeater is? It's a fucking BB gun. They shoot darts, BBs, and fucking pellets. And I will fucking shoot you with something if you get off that stage before three minutes. I want you to experience that and I want you to fucking feel it, right?

Once you get off stage and you come to me and go, Joey, that was great. I want to do it again. I'm going to tell you, go up there again tomorrow night. But Joey, I got no material. Do what you did tonight. Talk about your cat. Talk about your mother. Talk about your father's fucking fungi toenail.

I don't give a fuck what the fuck you talking about. I have to do it like two or three times. Now I want you to start. Maybe. Maybe. When I came back this time, I did brutal number one. I did a mistake guys and I'm okay with it. I focused on the words.

I was focusing too much on the words and then I would give up. I would open up my notebook, outline, try to write in the daytime. Nothing would happen. I'd smoke some pot. I would sit there. You know, when you write, if you look at any of those writing books, they tell you to put away a certain amount of time. For me, it's an hour and a half.

After an hour and a half, my back starts to fucking hurt guys. I can't sit there. You got to get the fuck up and out. Put a timer next to you and sit there for that hour and a half. And you write and you're not going to get the best jokes in the world. But keep writing. If you do that 20 fucking times, 20 days in a row, start with an hour. You're going to sit down for one fucking hour every day.

Okay. This is Mitch Hedberg. The same Joey Diaz. This is me talking to Mitch Hedberg all those years. And him telling me how he did it. Mitch Hedberg had those fucking jokes. Not because he was doing drugs and smoking pot. Mitch Hedberg took it a fucking area even deeper than us.

Mitch would sit down for three hours. No phone, no music, no radio. Three hours, take off for an hour, two hours. And that was it. Mitch was writing five hours a fucking day, guys. Even in the heart of his fucking addictions and shit. I mean, I didn't talk to him the last year of his life, but I know for a fact that motherfucker was writing five hours a day. I got to tell you something.

If I'm writing five hours a day, I'm going to be the best fucking standup in the world because I could sit for an hour and a half. And when you write for an hour and a half, it's going to, for the first week, you're not going to fucking, nothing's going to come with anything else. You're going to keep doing it, but then you're going to notice something at the end of it. Let's say you say, Joey, I'm going to do it for an hour. I guarantee you, after a week at the 50 minute mark, you're going to start writing jokes. You're going to start writing them. You're going to see this. It's just going to be one joke here, one joke there.

It's going to be a lot better than it was. And this is what I'm saying to you. If you don't dedicate that window, and I'm talking to you about Mitch Hedberg, I'm talking to you. This is not what I did. This is why I'm a mutt and I'm sitting at home in the studio. The Dave Chappelle's, those guys that are up there, this is what you want to do. They write five, six hours a day and then they write on fucking stage while they're up there. And I did this for a long time also.

I'm not saying I just did it a different way. I do a lot better writing on stage and in my notebook. Everybody has their own different way and in time you'll figure out what works for you. I don't know how it works for musicians. I don't know if they do the music first or the fucking words first. I don't know. That's not what I'm here for. But for stand up, you write, then you take it up to that stage that night, you make adjustments.

My mistake was I was focusing too much on the fucking words. I was focusing too much on the words and I'm like, you know what? So when I went down Uncle Vinnie's last week, that was the same day I went to the beach. Do you really think I would ever go to a beach on the day I had a show to do 40 minutes? If that was 10 years ago, I would have been home all day writing, sweating, preparing. It didn't fucking matter to me. I did not give a fuck. I went to the beach.

I didn't look at a notebook till I got home by six o'clock. I just made some notes that I wanted to move this around and there was maybe four things on the notebook. And let me tell you something. I did that 40, 45 minutes. I only covered one of those things I written on the notebook. Always remember before you go on stage, if you look at your notebook and you look over the notes, every time you go over the notes, whether it's three times or two times, you're upping your percentages to do a lot better. Just going through your notebook, not writing, just going through it, making little adjustments.

Even though tonight I'm going to move that here. Boom, stop right there. But I got to tell you something. I went down there Wednesday night and I held no fucking prisoners. I didn't think about the words, the jokes I had on paper. Didn't even come out. I didn't do the fucking action part bit. I didn't do anything.

There was one bit I wanted to try, you know, when people get the transgender surgery, whether they get the dick from, is there like a dick factory that makes dick for transgender people? They're like, hold on. He gets a size 11. They rip it up. I just want to try all that stupid shit. And guess what? It worked guys.

I came back home and I was like, holy fuck, Lee called me the next day and somebody who, one of my friends was at the show and he goes, Joey, that's the best I've seen you in a long time ago. I'm going to tell you why. And this is the best you are going to see me. I don't give a fuck about an Netflix special. I don't give a fuck about a special. I don't give a fuck about what an agent or a booking agent says to me. I don't give a fuck if you cancel me because I got nothing that you could take from me.

Nothing. You could cancel me for a show, whatever. That's the best position to be when you want to do stand up. Think about it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do an HBO special. I could give a Frenchman's fuck about the tonight show, any of that shit. I'm 60 years old.

It's a hobby for me. I'm fucking really good at it. And I'm going to keep fucking doing it. And I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter. Nobody can. This is the bed. This is Joey Diaz on.

There's nothing you could take from me when you lose a sponsor. Who gives a fuck? They come and they fucking go. Who the fuck? You know what I'm saying? So this is the best I'm ever going to be. I got a couple of shows this summer at Uncle Vinny's. I got a show in Asbury.

I got a show in the city, you know, 15 minute spots, whatever. I'm going to take my time. I'm going to have a great fucking time this summer. And guess what? When we start that residency, September 17th, I think it's October 10th, whatever. I'm going to be in such fucking great shape. And I'm excited for this. I don't have to do anything.

I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I don't give a fuck about what you got to say, whether you're uncomfortable, whether you're offended. None of that shit even works for me. Let me tell you something. I did such a great show. I ain't nobody was offended. And I was talking about some wild shit. You just got to explain yourself more.

You just got to write the joke, tell the joke, not write the joke. Tell the joke, explain the joke and tell them why you think that way about it. That's it. Tell them why you think that way about it. Remember, stand up is how your world collides with the rest of the fucking world. So if you don't like walking the street in the middle, just fucking talk about it. And that's it. And that's that motherfuckers.

It's Monday. I'm fucking excited. I'm excited for the Julys over it. I'm done with the bird tour. We are making up that September 2nd date in Mississippi. So don't throw away your fucking tickets. And that's it. And that's that this week.

I got no shows that I know of. I might pick something up. I'm supposed to go with Ari tonight to a Bruce Lee movie in the fucking city. He's going to have some mushrooms. I'm going to bring some fucking ABX's and we're going to fucking take it from there. But that's it. And that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart.

Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. And here's for a word from our sponsors. All right, you savages. Thank you. We're back and we're ready to rock. I'll have more dates for you soon. But anyway, before we go now for a word from our sponsor, better help.

Listen, if you're thinking about therapy, this pandemic beat us all up. This pandemic destroyed us. Our mind, how we thought our insecurities. We spent a lot of time alone and that's not good for anybody eating right, working out and getting plenty of sleep. They're all a good start to being there, but there's no substitute for therapy, especially talk therapy. Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable. Listen, if you turn on one of these podcasts from last year, you could see I was struggling mentally. Ever since I contacted Dana last April, it's been a great year for me.

Why is therapy important? Because you need it. Listen, even Shawn Mendes is canceling three weeks of his tour because life gets overwhelming. It's important and better help is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat. You can choose not to see anyone on cam if you want to. It's much more affordable and in person therapy and you could be matched with a therapist in 48 hours. If you've been looking, it's very hard to get a hold of a therapist. Contact BetterHelp.com slash Joey and I'm going to get your 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp.com slash Joey. The joint is also brought to you by Lucy.co. Listen, you know how good Lucy is to quit smoking? When you had a long day and you want to unwind like a grown-up, you grab your favorite Lucy gum or your nicotine pouch and you relax. But if you're looking to quit, Lucy.co can help you also. If you're looking for an alternative to smoking, why not switch to a nicotine product that can make you feel good about it? That's where Lucy.co comes in. And Canada, we got you.

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Use ExpressVPN is as easy as closing the bathroom door. Just fire up the app, click one button and boom, you're protected. Mashable and the Verge agree. ExpressVPN is the best VPN available. If you believe your online activities, your business, visit ExpressVPN.com slash Joey again. That's ExpressVPN.com slash Joey. I want to thank ExpressVPN. I want to thank Lucy.co.

And I want to thank BetterHelp, but I want to thank you guys for fucking always having my back and the support that you give me. Stay black, have a great week and we'll be back next Wednesday, this Wednesday, the 13th. All right. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great week and we'll see you Wednesday. Bye.