Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #180 - Joey Diaz, Sarah Tiana and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined comedian Sarah Tiana. Happy Memorial Day you crazy animals! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 05/25/2014.

Welcome to the church of what's happening now, special Memorial Day edition, where it's about to go crazy. Where's the music? Oh shit, I forgot. Jesus Christ almighty, is him fucking saying. Get up, cock suckers. Salute the flag. Get up, everybody get up. It's Memorial Day weekend. I'm sure you had a grandpa who killed the Japanese persons. I'm sure you had an uncle who stabbed the Puerto Rican in the heart.

Something. Get up. It's not about potato salads and cheeseburgers, you fucks. It's about being a fucking American, a state of mind. You don't need to be born in America to be an American. You just need to get up in the morning, grab your balls, and look at the flag, and look at Jesus and say, you know what, I got this cock suckers. I don't need no fucking welfare check. I'm a savage. All I need is a fucking knife, a spear, and a fuck. I don't even know what I need no more, you know what I'm saying? It's Sunday, special edition Memorial Day weekend.

Get your shit together. That guest tonight, the beautiful... ...Sappatiana. Get it together, cock suckers. Now, this show is sponsored by DollarShaveClub.com. Get high quality resources into your door every month for a fraction when you pay at retail. Now go to DollarShaveClub.com slash church. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash church. Or just go to joeideas.net and click on the DollarShaveClub banner.

This show is also sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus, as you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey and buyescapepottank.com. Go there for all of your sensory deprivation tank needs. Mention joeideas and you're gonna get $250 off of already low prices. Oh shit. Put this microphone on Lee. Hit. Check. Check. Oh shit.

It's a beautiful song for a beautiful day. Memorial day. It's Sunday late night, but it's Monday in some places and who gives a fuck? Get up. Get up, cock suckers. It's a good day. You're gonna smoke some dope. You're gonna eat some cheeseburgers. Hopefully something good will happen. Maybe you get your ass licked. I don't fucking know. You know what I'm saying? Get up, cock suckers.

Monday, May 26th, the day the devil was fucked in the ass and lit on fire and taken to a gay party. Lee, here you go. What's up, buddy? It's fucking Memorial Day, cock suckers. There's a vet in Afghanistan right now hiding under a tent, waiting to shoot some... No, don't be breaking in half. Eat that shit, cock suckers. It's one of the hardest shit. Eat one of the hardest shit. You got good teeth. You're Jewish.

You got good teeth. You're Jewish. You like that, huh, Lee? I do. We're starting this on the right foot. We give Sarah Tiana one. But she's got a bolt on her. You know what I'm saying? What's with the music? What are you? DJing fucking Melly Mel? How you guys doing? You can't get it down. No, you can't. Get it together, Lee. You're slipping.

It's gross. I gave you a little piece. It's delicious. It's fucking nutritious. Delicious. It's chocolate, correct? Who don't like chocolate, Lee? Stop spitting it in your hand. You can eat that thing, cock suckers. Swallow that thing like a soldier somewhere in a fucking bush somewhere. There's a little white kid from Ohio fucking eating a can of jello. And here you got a fucking chiba-chu.

A can of jello? Sure. A little fucking pouch of jello. What's happening, Sarah Tiana? You sexy savage. I've been waiting to get you on here for a year. We go through each other on Twitter sometimes. I know. And I bump into you in weird places. I know. I know. I've been wanting to come on here for a while.

So I'm excited that it's finally working out. You look beautiful as usual. Aw, thank you. You look very beautiful today, too, Joey. I'm trying. It's tough out there for a pimp. Lee Syat, what's happening, you sexy motherfucker? Look at you. We had a little day outing at the trial. I know. It was fun.

Myself, the baby, Lee, his girlfriend, San Juan, what's her name? San Jose's. What's his name? San Juan. San Jose's. We confused the Filipinos. They got Spanish last names. I can never figure that shit out.

But we had a nice time. We went over our friend, hit the fucking trifecta for $7.90. Very nice day. Yeah, yeah. I took a beating, as usual. Lee was the kiss of fucking death. I was winning until he got that kind of sucker. What are you going to do, though?

What's up, dog? You're looking all discombobulated. What's going on? Well, someone said Wadi was weird. So I was thinking, seeing if someone else said anything, we'll see if we'll find out. Okay, we'll get it together. You're slipping.

We had too many moving pieces. We did. He's having a tough time. He's doing a cover. Hit with it. From the Chibo. That was an off-brand Chibo chew. What is it?

What's it called? A Chibo chew? A Chibo chew. That's the... What's going on? I guess they're behind the eight ball. Something's going on with the manufacturing or something. So there's no more...

Our favorites are the... It's like a gummy bear. Oh, okay. It's called the Green Hornet. And it's 70 milligrams. And it's got like 20 milligrams of CBDs. But you get pretty fucked up. It's the best thing out there for the valley.

One and a half last time. Oh, my God. One and a half? That was... I mean, it was a gummy bear. So it's even stronger. That was... My body just turned off.

At some point he drove me home. Oh, he was waiting for Google. Who was going to pick up? Lyft. Lyft out of the fucking... Google. Lyft out of the fucking... What do you say?

Every day, somebody's news picking up. That's true. What's going on with the audience? I think we're good. No one else said anything. All right, beautiful. What else is going on with you? Good to have you on here.

I know you go on little tours with Red Band. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was a... That was a fun... We just went to Vegas, but that was kind of a nightmare, a little bit, just with the club. But we had a really good time, like the three of us together. Hang on that with Brian, there's always a good time. Yeah.

He does something... He's just a different guy to really go out with Brian. I don't know how to describe it. Like, at the convention, he's a warm guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You haven't known Brian for a long time. Yeah.

It's really weird to see the different phases that he's gone through as a comic producer, with the podcast. But one thing I do... And I've gotten mad at him as hell. You know, I've gotten mad at him for a while. He's gotten mad at me. But the beauty of our friendship is that whenever I'm with him, I have a great time. He knows where I'm coming from now.

I know where he's coming from. And I gotta tell you, I really love him, and I'm really proud of him. Yeah. I'm really proud of him. He works really hard. That's what I respect a lot. Yeah. And he makes me laugh.

He always makes me laugh on the phone. Something stupid. He's mad at somebody. It's always something, you know? So, I'm used to it. I got a call from a friend today. It was disturbing. Uh-oh.

Like a dear, dear friend of mine that I've known since sixth grade. Yeah. Shit like that. He used to walk to my mom's bar, and I let him sit at the bar and drink sodas. We all be like tough guys who are drinking at the bar. We're drinking fucking sodas better than us. Where's the rest of the fucking 12-year-olds somewhere fucking playing with balls? Over here fucking drinking sodas, watching TV.

And he called me and said, I looked at the phone. I was expecting somebody else. So, when I saw it was him, I picked it up, and it was kind of one of those disturbing calls, you know? Like, he was talking about stocks and bonds and shit. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He's investing in this. He's investing in that for it.

And he's a great guy, but he's one of these guys that just had a job at the same place for a long time. Like, got a newspaper or something. When I got off the phone with him, it's amazing how different our lives ended up. You know, we were both crazy together, and we were both. And, you know, you get these attachments in your life, like a child or a wife. You know, you get these things along the way. And when I got off the phone with him, I'm like, sure he's talking about fucking stocks

and bonds. He's by himself. You know, he's my age. He lives by himself. He has no children. He has no wife. You know, I couldn't even imagine. We were getting into a good conversation before the podcast started.

That's usually the way it is. You have good conversations before the podcast. Then once the podcast is, you look at each other like, what the fuck happened? We were talking about children. There's even the father-daughter relationship. You came out all right. You're tight with your daughter. Yeah.

I'm really close to my dad. And it's, you're a very decent young woman. You know, I love to call you a daughter myself. But it's amazing how sometimes when you're around the guy, you can see if he came from a fucked up home or whatever. Yeah. If a parent was there. I think it's the same with guys and women sometimes, you know.

You know, my parents did a good job with me because they, what they, when I was growing up in the South, like in Georgia, we had a daycare center in my high school. Like tons of girls got pregnant in high school and they took out sex ed and they put in a daycare. Like that was their way of solving a problem in the hometown that I grew up in. And it wasn't really, it was looked, it was frowned upon to get pregnant, but then obviously like the school was like almost encouraging it by putting in a daycare. And it's the way my parents like solve the problem was they just always made me work.

They kept me very, very busy. Like I got a job when I was 15 and my, I used to, my dad owned a pepperage farm distributorship. So I used to work for my dad. Like he, like on the weekend, it was like never idle time for me to just like sit around like they really instilled hard work in me. And so that kept me so busy that I was constantly just like focused on that and like making money and, you know, and working really hard because like that's what made my parents really happy. So I didn't have time to get into, I didn't have time, yeah, I wasn't into drugs or alcohol

or anything. Cause I was just like, no, no, I want to work. I want to like make money. I want to be able to afford clothes because my parents also never bought me anything. They always said, um, if I wanted something, they would buy me anything I wanted, but I had to pay for half of it. So if I wanted a purse, it was like, okay, well, you can have that, you have a course, but you have to pay for half of it.

So it would have to teach me to save up money and like, okay. And by the time I saved it up, I was like, oh, I don't want that, you know, but your dad ever said, well, I'll pay for you. Give me half of it. And then he'd look at your wink and go, fuck it, put it on the, I'll catch you the next one or something. No, no, they never, only a couple, only a couple of times that I even do that, they never, no, they never paid for the whole thing.

I don't think they had the money either. My parents did the same thing. I grew up, my parents moved to a town before it became kind of rich and like higher end. And the kids in my school would get BMWs and lethases and like they would crash. I have so many friends who totaled, totaled multiple cars. And I got a job when I was 14 and I worked for like two years to save up the two grand for the shitty beat up car. I never got a one accident.

Never got a single ticket or taste better. You need to work for it. You know, you're not going to fuck around with it. You know, it's amazing how we've all had a similar background. Cause my mom was a firm believer in it. Was there any time you could look at your parents and go, fuck it. I'm not getting up the saloon Sunday. No, yeah, right.

No way. That didn't work either with you. It didn't work with me. It's amazing. Never. My mom made a point because I'm, I mean, you know, I'm the kind of guy who would love if you'd sit me down in front of a TV, I'm fine. Like even in school vacations, I was always in some sort of camp or league or even

if it was just going to a, like a camp to do like video stuff. At least I was out of the house. I never was like one of the kids who could just burn around the neighborhood. Like I, I didn't even have a neighbor. I was kind of a busy street, but it was just, I never had anything. Yeah, see, we didn't have neighbors. I grew up on three and a half acres in the country. Like my neighbors were a cow pasture and a sheep farm.

Like I grew up between those two. So we had to like, if you wanted a friend to come over, like that was a whole day. So we had a swimming pool in the backyard. That was, that was what my parents spent money on. They spent money on things that the whole family could enjoy, not just one of us or my me or my sister or my parents. Like if they were going to spend money, it was going to be on a TV that we all watched who's going to be on a vacation that we all went on.

It was going to be on a swimming pool that we could all use. And so we all had to like work and keep the pool clean and take care of it. And my mom and dad had an agreement, like my dad did everything on the outside and my mom took care of everything on the inside. And if anything from the outside crawled into the inside, he had to take care of that too. So it was a very, you know, I mean, on the weekends, we all slept in maybe an extra hour, but as soon as somebody's up in the kitchen, everybody's up because they're hungry. It's amazing how having a pool taught me a lot also because kids would come over and

then when it was time to leave, they would leave. And then my mom would say, well, what about all those towels, the garbage? You got to pick all that shit up and I would pick it up. And then we had an above the ground pool, but then my friends got a below the ground pool and I would go over there and at the end of the day, the same thing would happen to them, but I would always stay around and help them pick up. Oh, wow, that's nice. It's father would always go, this kid came from a good house because, well, your

other friend's boogie with noogie, he hangs out and cleans the towels and fucking them. So it's amazing that the work, I couldn't imagine. Like, I remember one of the toughest jobs I had was for like a year, my stepdad bought into a flower shop and you had to get up in the summers, like at four early and go to New York, pick up the roses and the Gordiolos. You know, I should then de-stem the fucking roses with a thing in your hand. Oh, shit. That was the worst summer of my fucking life, man.

That was the worst summer ever of just de-stemming roses from like six to nine, six to 10, the stemming. And you'd get your little hand caught and oh, it was a fucking nightmare. I did a lot of shitty stuff. You're the worst second thing. My mom made me stick my hand in the tampon box. One time she told me. You used tampons?

Yeah, my mom told me women put money in there because my mom had a bar. Oh. So part of my angle, you had to clean the fucking bathrooms. Oh, wow. So I kept saying, one of those little things, women leave money in there for your guy, God, stick your hand in the inch. Was there any money in there? Fuck no.

It's like I never stuck money. And in those days, it weren't like tampons. It was like these big fucking co-texes that look like a, like a fucking shell from the ocean. It was like, it was just like a, like a. Like a small mattress that folded like a fucking mattress for a, it was crazy. Yeah. It really was what the lesson she made me do.

And I never, you're right. I never bitched. I knew I had no fucking option. No, I had no option in that situation. There was no, because you cut me an offer. I couldn't refuse. Like, here's the deal. This is what you want.

This is what you can get. But you gotta do this, this, this, this. Once you're finished with all this, then we'll do that. And then we'll move on. So it's kind of, yeah. And when you're a kid, you have the energy to do all that kind of stuff. So I, it was just like, okay, all right, I know I can do this. Just like clean the house really fast or whatever it was that we had to do.

But my mom never like made it. Like we, we used to beg my dad to mow the lawn cause like he had a riding lawn more and that was like driving, you know? So we were, but my dad was like, nope, this lawn, this is my lawn. You know, like he had a certain way that he did it. But then finally, eventually, like once we were better at like driving cars and stuff, he would let us like mow the lawn. Got boys in your family, have brothers?

No, just one younger sister. Just one, two girls, two girls. Yeah, my poor dad. The father-daughter relationship is like, I was telling you this before I was patting her head and then she was watching the Wally Kazan. What the fuck she watches. And I'm just thinking about how my wife was like, I'm taking her for a walk. And I was scared I was.

Yeah. I was like, what the, where are you going to go? Fucking studio, city, walking, staying out. It's their condition. Yeah. She's like, no, I'm like, I didn't go for my walk yesterday. We drove to the pool. So the whole time, you know, you think all these thoughts and then I was kind of,

I started thinking about my mom for some reason, how she was not into me being having fear, right? Like at any fucking level. The only thing she didn't want me doing was crossing Broadway. When we first came from Cuba, we lived a block away from fucking Broadway in New York City. That's the biggest fucking street in the fucking world. That time 1960 fucking text by 68.

I was playing in front of the house and she was going to give her what you do. You cross the streets that way, you know, laterally. I don't want you going across from Amsterdam. I don't want you going across Broadway. And that's what I did all day. Yeah. As soon as I see her head go back in that fucking window, man, my buddies went to a corner of Broadway and you had to run the fucking cars in those days.

There was no 10 seconds with a fucking hand and 20. Beep, beep, beep and some fucking blind dude with a stick. That shit changed. That should change. You had like three seconds to run around the fucking street. That's hysterical. That's really fucking hysterical. That's the only fear she ever told me not to do.

And I did it anyway. But everything else was like, you know, and we're talking about what I saw. Like a mom's encouragement is different than a dad's encouragement. He was saying that when something bad happens to call your dad. Yeah. Well, like when I have to tell my when I have something that I just want to talk about or I'm upset about, I'm like, oh, my, my mom, but if there's something I'm really upset about, I'm going to tell my dad because my dad is going

to give me that kind of sympathy that I need. Like a dad's like, if, because if I'm really hurt, like, um, and I tell my dad, he's going to be just as equally hurt as I am. Whereas if I tell my mom that I'm hurt, she's going to be upset, but she doesn't have that kind of like deep hearted, you know, she has a deep love for me, but a dad's love with his daughter is like, he feels your pain so immensely. Like when I, I remember the first time I, I was ever like upset about a guy, like it's like making me tear up.

But I like, I told my dad that it, that he had cheated on me. My dad was so upset that he started crying over the phone. And it's the first time I'd ever heard my dad cry. Sorry. That's all right. We're getting emotional here. Yeah, that's like, not we, but I get emotional, but that's different. You know, my mom doesn't cry, you know, she never, she was a strong one.

You know, my dad is like a little bit more emotional. It's always scary meeting dads as a guy going to meet a girl's like parents. I'm really cool with my girl's mom, but like the dad isn't really in the picture, so it's kind of like the ominous scary, like the first girl, my first ever girlfriend, she was adopted and her parents were older, like really older, like 70 when she was in high school and I went over and her dad brought me up to like the attic and had guns, which in Massachusetts, isn't a normal thing. Right.

So I was like, that was my first introduction to it. Yeah. But it's a, it's always, I mean, I can, I'm excited, not excited, but in 15, 20 years with Mercy, imagine what you're going to do. I just, I was married before I was locked up and had a baby girl with it and I was tight with the girl till she was about, we really were tight till she was about 10 and then in the last five years, it just kept getting worse and worse because of the mom.

And now we haven't spoken in like eight or nine years. I think it's nine years, but it's so weird. I, it changed who the fuck I was. Like our relationship definitely changed my dynamic as a man, as a man's thinking. But now with this daughter, it's, it's, I don't know, I feel more connected whether it's like, I know what she's going through when she's going through it. Yeah. I tell my wife, don't break her balls.

Just fucking, you know, I know, I know, I see her piece of me. So I understand what pisses her off and what doesn't piss her off. And I get it. I get it. So weird, but I always had respect for my girlfriend's dad's growing up. I never had no real beef with anybody. I swear to God, it's the weirdest thing I never, because I knew how to attack it. They just don't want to throw it in their face, you know, at any age, you

don't want to, oh yeah, of course, throwing your dad's face. So you just go over there, act like a fucking man with a normal guy and you have your job and you don't have alcohol on your breath and you fucking do what you do. Yeah, tough, man. Yeah, it is tough. And I, I just feel like even with guys that I dated, I didn't really date that many. Like my parents had a much easier time with me than my, with my sister. My sister had like long, like a boyfriend from like middle school through high school.

So they were like, well more advanced than I ever was. Like I never, I like would date guys all the time, but I was never, they were, they bored me a lot, like, especially in high school. Like, I mean, in ninth grade, I remember like, I was always dating seniors. And then I, when I was a senior, I was like, what? These dudes are all like my friends that I grew up with are gross. Like I'm not interested, you know, like they're my brothers. They're like my best friends.

And so I never, but my sister always had like, she had this boyfriend, Nick, like all through middle school and high school. And boy, oh boy, that was like tough on my dad because it was like serious. It was more of a serious relationship with me. They were just like, my dad's always wanted me to have a boy. Whereas my sister had boyfriends and then she got married and she got married probably like six years ago. And I'm like way, that's like far.

She's like, uh, she lives in North Georgia, close to your parents, close to where we grew up. Yeah. My parents live in Phoenix right now, but they're moving back to be next to my sister. They moved, they moved to Phoenix because my dad needed a better job. And so they moved there for a job. But now they're moving back. So yeah, so they're moving back to be with my sister because she has, you know, a family and a stepdaughter.

So they don't have a, she's never own daughter yet or her own kid yet, but she has a stepdaughter. So which is basically, you know, she's had been married to this guy since he, I mean, she's been with the baby since it was really little. So you wanted more than your sister. You want to get the fuck out of it. Yeah, I wanted to leave. My sister never wanted to leave.

No, there's some people who want to stay there. But you, yeah, you knew in high school, you were getting the fuck out of it. Yeah. I mean, I, it's amazing. How did you know? Oh yeah. You knew, you fucking knew already in high school. Oh yeah.

You were too seriously guys. You, we all knew we're all from the same cut. I knew because I had a, the worst addiction I ever had was looking at help wanted. Yeah. Since the time I was a fucking freshman in high school, I would not read the sports anymore or nothing. I would just look at help want it every morning.

I'd go, I'm a machinist. I wonder what they do or travel agent. There's a lot of jobs for fucking travel agents. I'm going to write that down. It's the same shit I do right now. I'm my own travel agent, but it's just really amazing how you look at things like that. I knew, and he, I wasn't in New York, but I always knew there was something

better out there. Really? New York, I was thinking it might be hard to leave. I don't, it was very hard to leave, but I always knew there was something that I was looking for. New York had everything I wanted, but just a little too much. Like I've always said, New York at the time in 82, 83 had a little bit too much. I could look at Saringo.

What do you think? Should we buy a machine gun? Four in the morning, we could still get it over there till six. You know, that's just a little too much. That's just a little too much. And I wanted a little tame, but I knew I wanted to get the fuck out of it. I knew there was something. And I always thought leaving and coming back would change you at that age.

Like it would make you more serious or, but it didn't. I'd see my friends that were leaving go to the service and they come back, still retarded or even more fucking retarded, you know? And I'm like, why the fuck did you come back? You, they come back after basic and go, I'm headed to North Carolina. I'm headed to Japan. It's going to be great. I'm going to fucking eat sushi.

I'm going to join karate. And then they come back to LA and they tell me how it sucked. And they don't want to, and I, you're out there, you're out there. But, and these people now that said it sucked. Now I see why they still went back home and that's where they live. Yeah, it's amazing. I come from one of the hottest areas of the country there, that little northern New Jersey, and I just fucking knew something.

And I went to Colorado. Like I didn't even come to LA. I went to Colorado. I'm not saying LA has more, but there was just something missing. You did like the opposite move. No one goes from New York City to like Aspen, Colorado. Nobody. And I think, I think eight thousand people did the opposite trip.

You know, it was, I was looking for something, but I wasn't looking for the obvious. Did you travel? Like, did you guys go on vacations or did you ever leave? Yeah. As a child, we traveled a lot. My mom was a fucking squirmer. Yeah, she liked it. That was my parents too.

Like every summer we went somewhere else. So I was so used to leaving the state. Like most of the people that I grew up with in Georgia have never even been on an airplane before. I can't even imagine. My in-laws have never been on a fucking plane. Yeah, I have so many friends. Your current in-laws?

Or, oh, I don't know. I'm not even friends with them anymore. But a lot of people I grew up with that haven't. They've never been on a plane because they're really scared. My in-laws are really scared people. And I don't even know if it's the plane that they're afraid of or if it's where they're going that they're afraid of. Really?

Wow. Hey, listen, man, for some people, I can't even imagine myself putting a fucking nacho chip in Thomas. I could never even imagine doing something like that. But for some people, they couldn't. Have you ever spoken to people about California? Oh, they think it's like they, they ask me every time. And no matter what, and I, they're like, oh my God, is it just full of

like assholes and people who are fake and, and evil? And I was like, every single city is exactly the same. I've been to cities everywhere. It's full of people. If you have the natives, the people who grew up there, who think that's place belongs to them. And then there are people who have just moved there to try to work and live. And that's every single city I've ever been to in the entire world.

And at this point, like all the same stores are going to be there. Like there might be a couple of differences, like Ralph's versus Star Market or something, but. Now, nothing's really too different. I mean, I have friends that like, I would be like, why don't you just go like, come, go to New York, go to a city, like don't even, don't even go to New York, go to like, New Hampshire or Vermont, like someplace. And they're like, well, I ain't never left anything in New York.

I need to go get. That's what they'd say. It's amazing. Like, I don't need anything there that I can't get here. Why would I leave? And it's like, well, maybe you just want to learn more about people. I mean, that's where real like racism and prejudice and stuff like that exists. And I feel like a lot of that stuff happens.

It's perpetuated everywhere. It's not like, I would say like Philadelphia is like one of the harshest, like racial towns, most racial towns I've ever been to in my life. It gets like scary. Races even coming from the south, like yeah, because in the south, you know, when people are racist because they're like waving a flag and burning across and stuff, but like in cities, like that I've been to, and I don't want to offend anybody that's listening because I'm sure this is not the whole town.

But like, but it's like, it's like understood and like Boston and Philly, like that whole like little, like new area, it's just understood that like certain people go in here and certain people go in here and like, we don't like white people go to this bar and black people go to this bar and we don't go to each other's or Mexicans go over here, Asian people go over here. And it's really, it really freaks me out, especially because after leaving Calhoun, I like went to school in Atlanta, which is like so multicultural. Like, I mean, you have Morehouse and Spellman in Atlanta, which are like the

most elite black colleges in the country. And then you have Georgia Tech, which is full of like Asians. And then the school that I went to, which was Georgia State, was like half Vietnamese and there are 30,000 people at that school, like half Vietnamese. So I grew up in a really diverse Atlanta, so diverse that I like, you know, I felt like I moved to LA and I was like, why is everything so segregated here? Cause there's like Korea town, there's like little Ethiopia, there's a China town. We didn't have towns.

It was just like everybody just hung out at the same places. It's weird because like, if you go to Brooklyn, Brooklyn's the fourth largest city in the country, but it's got every ethnic group. Brooklyn, you name it, you fucking name it, you name it. They have, and it's been like that for 200 fucking years. I don't know why some about Brooklyn. They just have everything you have the international airport and there's just something about Brooklyn, something about fucking Brooklyn.

That's always the, I haven't felt it in that way, the racism, but you just hear words. You just hear things. You just hear things and you're hearing from both perspectives in the East Coast. I've always said that I have black friends. I know for a fact they're not too cool with fucking Whitey. They're not cool with fucking Whitey. They go back and forth because they must. It's part of who they are in their job, but they're not fucking cool with Whitey.

And I appreciate that. I appreciate that, to be honest with you. I can't, I can't see everybody loving every fucking body. There's got to be somebody who's got to have something against the fucking system. I know Philadelphia as a city, I've been going to Philadelphia because I was a fucking kid and I'll tell you one thing, it's just crazy. And this is coming from a crazy person. I'm telling you that I'm fucking crazy.

I've seen things I've gone, you know, what are you going to do? Every time I went to Philly, I said, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, not the last, not the last, you know, to do comedy. Well, yeah, even to do comedy. I don't know why a helium, you know, it's a great club. But I've seen some crazy people there. But when I was a kid, I saw some great things in Philly because I would come down from Jersey to go to concerts.

So I went to see the Stones and Farina when I was in the eighth grade. And it was just, it was, I don't remember. I remember going back in my head was fucking numb for a week. Like just saying, you know, then I remember the most vivid concert was I went to Black Sabbath and Sammy Hagar with a bunch of my friends. And I saw something at that concert, that concert right there. Some meant that while Sammy Hagar was on stage, there were people that they couldn't spit far enough at him.

So they would spit in their fingers and then fling the fucking spit at Sammy Hagar. Why didn't you like some Hagar? I had never seen Sammy Hagar. It's terrible. This is 1970 fucking nine. 1980 Black Sabbath, Sammy Hagar and Shaking Street. And I'll never forget seeing people spit on their fingers and fling it. And Sammy Hagar being on stage and kind of dodging the fucking spit. Like it was crazy.

I saw some stuff. Then I went to Glassboro State for a couple of for a semester. I went there for maybe three fucking weeks. And then I stayed for three or four weeks just roofing. And I saw some craziness. Like I saw one night, the guys I was living with woke me up and they're like, don't get up. We got some chick. You got to see this fucking party.

And I was like half asleep. I didn't know anything about that in those days. I didn't know anything about sex parties and stuff like that. And they had a girl dressed like a mouse or something. And like two guys were fucking and I walked in. I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't see that as a 19 year old in Jersey. So for me, it was great.

Then I heard about all that came with it. Like it's the only stadium that had a police station downstairs of the affiliate for the Eagles. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Because it was just so fucking crazy. You know, when the Giants play the Eagles, they'd be so many arrests. So the town, but the town's got a lot of heart. I'm not talking bad about it.

I mean, it's brotherly love. Brotherly fucking love. I mean, you know, when they love you, they love you. I'll tell you something today. She would, my brother was sleeping and I woke up. I took a little nap in the afternoon. I like a half a pot cookie this morning when I got up and I forgot. And I was feeling a little fucked up and Rocky was on.

Yeah. Which did you watch? I saw it on TV. I didn't watch it. I ended up watching Bull Durham. Right. It was Rocky was on. And I watched 30 minutes of it. And it guys, it's still a fucking Academy Award winner. Yeah. Little things. It's just little things. You know, when you see a movie 30 years later, now you see different things

that you saw 30 years when you watched the movie originally. And I've watched Rocky over the years, but today I even cried just to see. And I saw it because when I walked in, it was him telling Mickey. That he didn't need a manager, that whole thing. And he throws Mickey out and he goes crazy and he comes and gets him. Then the next scene is him walking into the diner to meet the mobster. And the mobster gives him money. And he goes, his five hundred dollars, don't worry about me.

And he goes, he goes, don't worry about it. He goes, hey, I really think Lady Luck is in your corner this time. That line right there, it just destroys me. Why? Because this is a guy that's a fucking gangster telling a kid with a dream that I think this time you've had a fucked up life. He tells him, he goes, listen, man, I know you've been mugged up. Take this five hundred. I think Lady Luck's in your corner this time.

And the next scene you see him is him breaking the fucking turning the alarm clock off and breaking the egg and throwing the egg in there. It's just amazing. But they also had the scene when he was walking out of her house. He's walking on Adrian's house and he says something to her. He goes, hey, I can tell you something. He goes, it really does bother me when they say those things about me. It's just for scenes that are just deadly, deadly scenes.

I just it was shot in twenty eight fucking days. That movie, they didn't know who they were casting until the Friday before the Monday. They had already a list of people, but the movie was so slow and making it that the people went and did other projects. So that Friday at five was when they knew who was going to shoot that movie, Monday, and it was magic. Bert Young got put on that Friday.

The boxer got put on that Friday. Somebody else got hired that Friday. That movie started shooting on a fucking Monday. Do they have a budget? Do they have a good some shit budget? Supposedly the scene when he tells her when he goes to the church and he comes back, they had to do it in one take. They had enough money for film.

They had to do one. That's a one take fucking scene that has still shoot on film. It's so expensive. Tremendous. Yeah. What's up? We say that you back Jewish mother fuck that you look at you. It's starting to kick in.

No, I know I was hanging out with the fucking Mexican girl this week and jumping up and down. What are you going to do in Thai food? Oh, yeah, I went to deep like the like Sherman way. When we went to this Thai place that we got. I got dirty looks when we walked in. Why? Because it was just all Thai people.

Oh, it was all that must be a good Thai restaurant. It was it was pretty amazing. But would you fucking listen? It sounds kind of weird, but you watched Bourdain's show, right? His old show. I don't know what Asian country he went to, but it was just like steamed chicken on top of white rice and they give you all these like spicy sauces to do with it. And it was the fucking delicious.

And then they had I like satay, like the grilled meat and they had pork, which I never had before. That was pretty great. But we saw a chef earlier that night. Well, after you had the Thai place. That's it. That's it. How much food do you get?

I don't know. What do you get? One serving? That's it. No, I mean, it's a fucking Thai diner and appetizer. They had this weird on fire thing, kind of like a poo poo platter. But I don't know what it was. I was too scared to try it.

Dipping the peanut sauce. Oh, yeah. Peanut sauce is where it's at. Smell like afterwards. You don't want to know. Smell your asshole after. What do you think of those? This hummus recoil cocksucker.

Who buys hummus from Trader Joe's? Isn't that disgusting? I need I hummus at Trader Joe's. No, you buy you buy the regular brand. You can't buy the weird. I don't make believe I didn't hear that. You know what I'm saying? Oh, sorry.

He hates hummus. I love it. Try to adapt and I don't eat hummus. Just this fucking move, guys. I probably would have bought it there. But that's why I just go with bigger brands, because I don't think they're going to get fucked up like that. How can you fuck up hummus?

I told you. You can fuck up anything if your equipment's dirty. What was in it? What was all the equipment was dirty? I guess. Don't make it with their feet. Don't step on it. No, that's why.

You don't hang up with the Arab up there, and fucking Sherman Oaks that does it with his feet. He's popping grapes and throwing wine and jumping up and down. That's not you. I can't do that. Why do you like hummus? I don't fucking like hummus, sir. I don't like talking about it.

There's no reason. All right. I don't like talking about it. You don't have to tell me. We don't have to have a reason. It's disgusting. You don't have a reason? How about let's fucking start with that?

It looks like dick. That's why it looks like fucking death. There's lots of things I don't like to eat. And when you're on a plane and you're hungover or something, and something cracks open to hummus, you're like, what the fuck? Should I shoot out of this plane? What should I do?

Oh, man. One comedian. I forget who he posted the picture of this. Someone pulling out a bag of like, what's that? A pollo loco or something on a plane? Or just some sort of fast foods, I think is the worst. Look, you don't know how bad McDonald's smells. Do you smell on the plane?

On the airplane, yeah. It's really fucking weird what it smells like. Smells like fucking cat vomit on a plane. It really does smell like shit. I feel so guilty when I have to eat. Like if I'm running late and then I have to eat on the plane, because I just know that it's like no matter what. Well, if you're like a turkey sub, isn't that OK?

A turkey sub from where? Anywhere, I don't know. Not from fucking Subway. OK. You know what they do to their turkeys? What? They beat them. They kick them.

They piss on them. They have Arabian men pissing on them and shit. And then they get that. This is the type of flavor. And all the fucking meats that they have at Subway are all turkey based. So when you're eating the fucking salami that you think you're jumping up and down,

that's like the fucking turkey's eyeballs with the basketball on it. And you're jumping up and down. So let's say we went to the nice Italian deli, right? Which one? Which one do you like? Well, for convenience, I like Roma. I don't mind fucking Roma right up the corner for convenience. It's delicious.

Let's say we go to Roma. You get two sides and the fucking sandwich for $7.60 and a drink. Where are you going to get that pepper? Let's say you got the $7.60 special from Roma, right? Yeah. Walk on to the plane. So I'm going to eat it right next to you. Is that cool?

Yeah, delicious. OK. Pick out a sauce and sandwich on Italian or chicken color pond. No hummus on the sandwich like that. You know, we're cool. We're cool. What did you what did you used to have like a barbecue? It's because I was talking to Paula and she never had like an American

barbecue just because she's fucking Mexican. Right. What did you like? What's your go to barbecue thing? Like since it's Memorial Day tomorrow. A burger. You go to the burger and go hot dog. Well, whatever's there, you know, listen,

it's whatever's there and whatever you smoked. Against what you eat. So you smoke a fucking joint. I ate the head dog at the track yesterday. I'm still shitting blood. Then hot dog at the track. Still my assholes crooked. We went to Carnies last night because of those hot dogs at the track.

That was not. I expected a restaurant. Well, Connie's. Yeah. No, it's a fucking. I know. It's a fucking factory. Yeah.

It was not good. No. What were you thinking? I don't know. So you ate the Thai food, the hummus, and that fucking bunnies. Yeah. Know your assholes going to smell like tomorrow morning. What?

Debt. That's what? Debt like Newark. Everything's bad for you, right? Everything. Like, have you ever eaten anything healthy? And then smell your shit? It's horrible.

Everything. Everything healthy makes you smell worse. It's because it's coming out of my body, no matter what. It's fucking terrible. Like, I eat yogurt and whatever. I farted. It was fucking horrible. I had to run out of room.

The cats ran out. I had yogurt and the bananas and raspberries. Jesus Christ almighty. But you go down and eat two eggs of loaf of bread and your fart smells like shit and it goes away real fast. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. But that healthy shit hummus, the next thing you know, the whole room's on fire.

Do you guys, when you're dating someone, do you guys shit around you? Because I didn't even realize it. Jesus fucking Christ. What type of question is that? Get the fuck out of my face. Because subconsciously, I didn't take a shit. Oh, we didn't.

We didn't follow us here. OK, you need to buy a pooperie? Well, I didn't do it on purpose. Have you ever used that? No. You spray it in the toilet before you poop, and then it makes it not smell so bad. So you were around there while we ate and shit?

No, it wasn't even a conscious decision. And then I drove home last night on the way home. I was like, oh, I've got to go. And it just happened last night. But I just, we're cool with each other. But I don't maybe. What's your shit in front of you? Not in front of me, but.

Have you smelt it in the bathroom when you go in there? No. It's been a year. Unless you fart in front of you? No, I don't think she has. I farted in front of her a couple of times. And what did she say? Nothing.

Did she giggle? No, no, it wasn't. It wasn't like a huge one, more than one of yours. Did you like announce like, oh my god, I'm sorry? No, I think I did it once. You just don't say anything? I think I did it once when we were laughing on the couch or something.

I don't even remember. It wasn't that memorable. But I did get scared. And I was telling Steve Simone about it. And I think he's full of shit. Did you ever have, when you're sleeping, you have a dream about pee and then you wake up like, oh, shit, I'm actually peeing?

Yeah, all the time. OK. All the time. All the time, I peed on myself. Thank god this didn't happen. But over on the other night, I had like a half an hour, hour dream. And I can vividly remember like, peeing in the dream.

And I woke up scared that I had did that. And I luckily hadn't done it in the bed. But it was like, like it was like the scariest 30 seconds of the whole room. I live in fucking cold weather. So when you live in cold weather, your mind fucks with you because your mind will wake up and I've got to pee.

But then your skin says, fuck no, it's too cold out there. Stay under there. So you actually think of yourself getting up and going to pee and taking your dick out and turning the light on. It's amazing. And next thing you know, you're peeing. You're holding your dick next thing you know. You feel your leg getting warm and your fucking ankles

getting warm. Your shoulders getting warm and all of a sudden that's when you wake up and there's a puddle next to you. And you're like, god damn, it's amazing how your mind works. Yeah. Women happen that too? Yeah, that's happened. I mean, usually only when I've been drinking.

Usually, yeah. But it hasn't happened in a really long time. But it happened when I was in the bed with a guy I was seeing. Oh no. It was brand new too. Wasn't too. We hadn't been together that long. How did he handle it?

Oh, he was fine. He just laughed and then like. Oh, guys love it more than me. I paid to have the comforter read, you know, whatever. Oh, was it his bed? Yeah. Oh no. It was his, yeah.

Tremendous. That's tremendous. A girl came over and peed the bed. Guys like woman pee. If a woman pee, have you ever had a woman pee on you? I mean. Fucking tremendous. In the shower, just have them squared on your face.

No. With your mouth open. No. I have no idea. I swear to God, it's tremendous. It really is. A girl talked me into it one time and I was like, OK, what the fuck? I do want to lose it.

I'm a feature. I don't want to give a fuck. Pea on me, bitch. It was great. What's so great about it? I know something. I felt liberated. Like, I felt fucking like I had been baptized.

I'm not kidding. I wish I was kidding. She was really hot, too. And she peed on me and I loved it. Every once in a while, I'll click on one of those videos with like promise, it doesn't say pee video or whatever. Like, you click on it and you're like, what happened? This is the worst.

And then I don't get it. You never even considered me a guy? No, it's not my thing. Not even as a joke? No. Even if a guy begs you? If he begged me, no. I would feel like I'd be like even weirded out.

I mean, I've never asked a woman after that to pee on me. It's not something that I go around part of the patrol. I would, my wife would just look at me, fucking weird if I asked her to pee on me. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When you're fucked up, nothing's as bad. I saw a guy getting peed on himself one time. Like, I peed on the guy, me and my friends,

because he was in a tub in New York in a club. That is fucking. Yeah, see, that seems like something that I could see dudes doing. Just like, dude, this dude passed out. Let's hope he doesn't. No, he didn't pass out. He wanted people to spit on him.

He was like at a water club. He was at one of those, we were going to get blow at one of these fucked up clubs where people go to fetishes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just, the first time I haven't been exposed to that was 1982 or 83. And it shocked me so much, I never even spoke about it. Right.

And then when I lived in Seattle, Josh Wolf ran a bar. Yeah. And on Wednesday nights, they had that shit. And it was sucking. No, they had that at the bar? At the bar, downstairs, and all these people. Not one of them attractive.

Not one. Did the beer taste like piss? No, I didn't touch the beer. I was a doorman. I was security. Not one attractive person. And they all walked around with leather chaps on and the nipples electrocuted and, you know,

dog things and people pulling them and people whipping them. And they'd hang a fat chick and they'd all throw darts out of his shit. It was fucking crazy. And on the one night, I judged this right in front of me. I saw this ball had a guy with like piercings and tattoos and I don't know what his fetish was. I'm by the door and I would just get high and watch this.

And there was like this fat chick she had away 400 pounds or like a bikini top with her stomach hanging tattoos. She had been whipped like she had like that Denzel Washington back in glory. Like she was like the girl in fucking 12 years as a slave. Like one of those ones. This was crazy guys. So he turns to her because I think you just fuck.

You just fuck after a toast thing. You don't have to know their background, nothing. People just fuck. They meet and they fuck. I was right there and I heard him go, hey, how are you? And she goes, if you want to get the second base, it's going to start by putting in a tic-tac. Like this fat chick with whip marks on her back

told his handsome dude to fucking put his bread stunk. I'm like, I'm like, in which fucking world do you exist, you fat fuck? Oh my god. You're lucky this guy's even talking to you. If he was missing a tooth, you know, anyway, I'm sorry. I just get emotional about fat chick. I think with at those like sadomasochism.

Right, sadomasochism. It's more just about the sadomasochism and it's not about sex, I think. It's about whipping and shooting. I think it's about the dominant thing and it's not necessarily, I don't know if it ends with sex at all. How did they find each other before the internet?

I think that's what gets them off is the act of being dominated. Now, last week, we bumped into that chicken awesome. That was like 60. And she had the handcuff on her ankle. She had a handcuff on her fucking ankle. And she was talking about how she's writing a book and she wanted to question me. What was the interview with me?

I go here, we were leaving the club on the last night. We were still going back to prison days. Oh my god. Good question. We had to be up in like three hours and it was like the last night at the club. And I wanted to leave but I didn't. So we came out of the club first

and this woman was waiting for him. And she just kind of like started hitting on him. And then you went back into the club for a few minutes and I was fucking high out of my mind. But you came back and then she talked to you for like 10 minutes. Apparently about wanting to interview you about a book. And all I kept hearing was, let me buy you a drink. Let's go get a coffee.

My listen lady, I don't know nothing about that world. The only thing I've been pissed on one time, you know. The rest of this shit, I don't know what's going on. It's on my resume. I was coked up, she had handcuffs. You know, fuck it, that's it. She had handcuffs, she had one on her ankle. This old lady did, but this lady was fucking old.

She was like 60, you know, just out there posing, telling her and she looked at me and she goes, by the way, I have no hair from my eyebrows down. So wait a second, you gonna show me that 60 year old fucking pussy with no fucking hair on it? Now I'm really fucking turnt down now. I know, wow, I never had anything like crazy like that. Never had, I had a guy hit on me once

who had a briefcase handcuffed to his hand, which is like. What did you ask him what was in it? I try, yeah, I think it was money because he kept like, it was when I was waiting tables at the four seasons that I like worked at the pool there for years. This place here? Yeah, and every time you walk past him, I mean he was just ordering like double gray goose

on the rocks like over and over and I was just like bringing him to him like one after another and every time I walked past him he hit me $50. So I walked past him a lot. And then he said, you know, any of this briefcase handcuffed to him and he was telling me that his wife had cheated on him and she was gonna try and take all of his money

even though she cheated on him. So he took all of his money out of the bank, put him in this briefcase and he was leaving and he was going to Paris that night and he's like, if you want to come with me, you'll never have to work again. That's what he said. And I was like, oh my God.

Like I constantly think about what my life would be like had I been like, yeah, I'm up for adventure because it does sound like something I would do. Like I'd be like, yeah, I've never done that before. I would do that. But no, I was like, he's drunk. He probably doesn't mean it. That's what I thought.

Jesus Christ. But no, I never had anybody pee on me or I didn't want to handcuff me to like some sort of interview. Santana, what made you get into comedy? I started stand up on a dare. What year? It's been 11 and a half years now.

So it's probably like 2002 or three. And I'd been out here in Los Angeles for a couple of years as an actor. I moved out here to be an actor because I'd studied theater and film and college. And I even studied theater in Paris for a little while at the Sorbonne and the Comédie de l'Art. And the Comédie de l'Art.

I believe that was the director of the Morsi Salat. Morsi Salat. It's the Jewish section, it's the Jewish division. Oh yeah, so I moved here. And I was like DJing weddings and bar mitzvahs and stuff. And my friend poetry who I was always DJing with was like, Sarah, you're so funny. You have to do stand up.

And I was like, I don't even know what that means. Like I had only seen it once because when I was in college, I was on the student radio station at our school. It was like the largest college radio station in the country in Atlanta. It's like album 88. It's a huge radio station still in Atlanta.

And we used to interview the comics that came through the punchline. And the very first comic that ever gave me tickets was Mitch Hedberg. And that was the only comic I'd ever even seen. So that was the only thing I'd even known about stand up. And then I was watching the news one night after he told me that and he wouldn't shut up about it.

And this guy like shot himself in the head with a nail gun on the news. And like, but he worked the whole day and everybody was freaking out. And I wrote this joke that was like, well, I wouldn't be able to feel three and a half inches if I got nailed. So that's the big deal.

And that was my first joke. And then I just never looked back. Where's the first time you got on stage? It was, it was this little, it was called the hot wired cafe. It was on Laurel Canyon and Riverside. Now it's something else. Right. Oh my God.

I went up there one night across the bar. Yeah. Across the little Irish bar right there. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. I don't remember what was across the street. Laurel Canyon. It's not there anymore. No, it's something else.

No, it's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been up there. Like near that gels and like just down the road from that gels. That's amazing that you, 10 and a half years, what are you, 10 and a half years? 11 and a half. What do you feel right now?

11 and a half years. What do I feel? About comedy yourself. What do you feel? I feel like for the first eight years that I did stand up, I just told jokes. I felt like I was a joke teller. And then when I went through a big breakup

and I started going into therapy and really figuring out who I was and what I wanted, I really figured out what I wanted to talk about. So I think now I'm in a place where I'm talking about things that I care about and that mean a lot to me. And I feel like now I have a voice in comedy. It's not like I just know my voice,

but now I have a, like I feel like comedy is the last form of free speech in America. And that I have an obligation to say something that I think is important. And my, what I try to do on stage every night is help men get laid more. Cause I feel like men are just, sometimes they just don't, I don't think women say what they want enough, you know?

I think you have both ends of the spectrum. You have women who won't shut up. And then you have women who men want to be with but aren't confident enough to say like, this is what I need and this is what I want. And this is why I think a lot of divorce happens because women feel obligated to like pretend to be something that they're not in a relationship.

So because we feel like, well, if I tell him what I really think about him or that I don't like his farts or that I don't like the fact that he does this and he's going to leave me because why would he want to be with somebody that's bitchy or complaining? You know, we get that reputation a lot.

So I try to be the bitchy and complainy one so that women don't have to. And then the guys will just marry the girl that they're with. Look at the Saturday night. She's fucking hooking people up. Well, I couldn't even know. I try, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm constantly trying to be like, I don't know. I feel like there's always this perception that if I'm on stage saying like, I don't like it when men do this, that somehow I hate men. It's like, no, no, if I hated you, I wouldn't tell you how to get better. Like, this is what I'm just saying.

I'm just saying like, hey, if you want to be with a woman you should probably not have a roommate at 35, you know? You'd probably clean out your car if you want to pick a girl up on a date and like say like, hey, guess what? My life's not a mess like my car, you know? Everything is a perception. So I'm just, I don't know.

I'm just trying to like help guys understand like how they can raise their level of, cause I feel like men are commodities and women are commodities too. And like, you just both have to raise your game a little bit. You really do. You listen to this shit. Yeah.

Stop it. It's kind of crazy cause I think, I mean, I think Joey would agree with me. I don't know about most guys, but I, the thing I hated about dating was girls never saying what they wanted and then finding out later. Right. And I mean, I know, I mean, Terry doesn't.

It happens to guys too. And women, it happens to women too. Yeah, well, yeah. We don't tell you until later. I mean, you have a fucking problem. Right. And then you have a problem in the relationship and it happens a lot with comics.

Yeah. And it's gonna keep happening with comics unless you, you know, put your foot down from the beginning but we're falling in love. We're looking for somebody. I mean, nobody wants to die alone. So it's weird that, you know, when I moved here, I moved here with a girl.

And one thing I fucking hated was never I did comedy, she would come. And she thought that it was her party time. Wow. Can I get a drink? You know, my friend wants to come and I'm like, God damn it. Sometimes you just want to go to the store

and zip in and the fuck out of there. But now with this bro, I have to drink and talk to people. And when we broke up, it was the biggest fucking relief for me because now Terry, my wife, does not even think of coming to comedy. Yeah. You know, she did it in the beginning like once or twice and she just didn't like it.

I didn't like it. And I don't have to deal with that no more. You know? And you live, but it's fucked up to break up with somebody when you're here in LA and you're a part of them. The things that we put up with. But I've always been very vocal in a relationship because I know it comes back to haunt you later on.

Yeah. If you're not honest, it's gonna come back to fucking haunt you. Just tell them. Just fucking tell them. I mean, I don't think I always was. It took me a long time to realize that that was okay. You know, because I think, well, you have to learn to be vocal the right way.

I think, and you have to learn to be honest in the right way. You can't just be like, you know, you're acting like, you know, I think we get labeled as crazy or emotional, you know, and I'm like, yeah, I'm emotional. I have a uterus. Like I'm going to be crying more than you. It would be weird if I wasn't like.

I'm emotional. I'm gonna cry when I read an old note. Like that's just who I am. Like if you don't want to be with someone who cries, then you should date a dude, but I'm going to cry if I read an old note from my grandma, like that's just who I am. So like, it's just, you know, it's really important

to be like, no, we're different and that's good. And like, Segura was like asking me, he's like, how can I get Christina? Cause you know, I'm a huge sports fan. And she's like, he's like, how can I get Christina to like football? And I was like, why do you want her to? Like, why don't you just have your own thing?

Why do you have to bring her into your thing? Like unless you guys just aren't hanging out together, then you guys need to make some sort of decision as to like, well, if this, if we only have Sundays together and all I want to do is watch football, then now you have to make some sort of concession. But I like having my thing and I like guys having their thing. And, you know, but I didn't realize that about myself.

I don't think that's who I thought I was five years ago. Five years ago, I would want to spend all the time I could because I was with a man that didn't want to spend any time with me. But now that I don't need somebody to spend all that time with me, it's very refreshing. And it's good to learn more about yourself. I think it's really important for people to be alone,

especially in the country that we live in now, where we're surrounded by technology and we have everything at our fingertips. It's really good to just take quiet time and moments and really reflect and think about who you are and what you really want. You know, when I'm upset, I'm like, what am I really mad at right now?

I'm not mad at him for coming home late. I'm mad at him because I thought he was coming home earlier even though we didn't discuss it. So I'm really mad at myself for expecting something of him that he never had an obligation to do. So that's what, I mean, I just try to rethink things now. I think things differently. It's funny how I talk about it a lot that when I go to the YMCA

or I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I don't take a phone with me. Right. Yeah, that's good. I just don't take, and it seems like people look at me when I go to a gym and I'm on a bicycle and I see somebody looking at their phone, I feel so bad though. Because I try to give myself that one hour.

If something bad happens to my daughter and my wife in that one hour, fucking shame on me. But everybody's okay. They're at school, whoever the fuck they are. And I believe in that one hour for yourself. I can't be surrounded. I can't be, you know, somebody reached out two days ago to me about starting a business in Denver

and doing this and I'm like, listen, I'm 51, I have a wife. I do two podcasts a week. I'm trying to write a fucking book. I'm trying to write fucking material for a special. I go on the road every fucking Thursday. You know, what else do you want me to fucking do? It's a long diminishing return. Only an idiot right now would try to get involved

in something. And then when you're 55, you end up having a fucking heart attack because it's just too much. Right. It's just too much. And I know that at this age, you need that one hour here, that one hour there, 30 minutes here. It's so important.

And there's nights. All right, so at the house now. The new schedules by seven. She's bathed the whole thing. She pops out about seven, 15. She's a ball of fucking fire. We throw in a bubble guppies. And then we throw in some Raikou YouTube shit.

It's like letters, you know, A is for Apple. Apple, B is for ball, ball, ball, ball, that shit. And she takes the book and she points it. So usually by 10 to eight, she goes in. First time she pops in her fucking bedroom, I pop into my office. That's it. My day is over.

If I don't have a set now, that shit. Mommy, daddy, that shit's over. This time, it's quarter after nine, I go, what the fuck is my wife doing? Right. Holy shit. I'll stop what I'm doing going, there's my wife. Unwinding also.

Thankful that I sat my ass in the fucking room. Not on top of her. She's got the Kindle in one hand. She's got house of cards and the fucking remote. And I could see where the appreciation is. She's not mad at me. She's like, this is a great relationship we have. You're in your room, I'm in my room now.

She knows, I mean, I ain't fucking around. I ain't got time to be fucking around on there. I'm in there fucking trying to put a joke together or a podcast or something. And it's so weird how we appreciate each other's time. That's the truth. No, that's very fucking. Lee does it too.

Lee doesn't see her for two fucking weeks. I'm in the best relationship of my life. She's in law school. And she's in law school. So I see her, usually when she's not during finals, it's Friday through Sunday, but she just did finals. So I didn't see her for like a month. Right.

Missing each other is so important in a relationship. It's very important to miss each other, but also to take a, to be respectful of the time that you do have together. And it's just as, you know, it's the same as respecting each other when you're away. The time that you do have together, you have to have your own moments,

but then, you know, like, okay, we only have this day together. So let's make sure we're doing something that we both care about and taking time. But no, yeah, I mean, I extra, like I don't even have anybody in my life, but I have to really unwind and shut down. I like, I don't exercise with music

or anything like that. Cause I just need to get in my head and think about things and not be on a computer, not be around technology. Like that's how I take care of myself and treat myself. You travel a lot though. I travel, I'm traveling. I haven't been really been working that much,

but I have a lot coming up. Yeah. Going to Tulsa and I'm doing the Edinburgh Comedy Festival in Scotland. How'd you get into that? I, a friend of mine, her name's Camilla, her dad is John Cleese from Monty Python. And he, so we were putting,

she and I were putting together like some shows in London. And then there's a lady that, one of the ladies that we approached was like, I have a theater in Edinburgh and she just gave it to us as opposed to us having to rent it out, which is so nice. So yeah, so we're going there for a week in August. Good for you. Yeah.

I mean, in Beijing, I think something, I don't know, something weird. But yeah, it'll be really, it'll be a lot of fun. Are you still writing? Yes. Yeah. I've been writing. Well, lately I'm not been writing on a TV show. A TV show, so I mean, no, no.

Not right now. I think we might be writing some more roast type stuff for Jeff Ross coming up, but I'm not, that hasn't been okayed yet. But right now I'm just pitching shows that I've written and I sold a web series to Ease. So I'm finished writing that. Now we just have to shoot it.

And then, yeah, the rest of it's just been auditioning and then I wrote a treatment for a couple of movies that I wanna write and then I'm writing a new TV show about the comedy store. Oh, fuck around with it. Yeah. Yeah. I try to stay as busy as possible.

Even when I like right now, when I'm not working, it's like no excuses. Like I just need to work on all these projects that I never finished. What's your typical day like? I usually get up and my dog wakes me up early. So I walk him and then I try to write tweet type jokes in the morning, just about the news.

And then I'll start working on other projects until noon or one after, or I'll go exercise at some point in the morning after I feel like I've blanked out on everything. And then I'll come back and try to finish. Like right now I'm writing a book about the military guy that ruined my, not ruined my life, but he really fucked me over.

So I'm writing a sample chapter of that that I have to turn in. Have you heard from GI Joe? No. Nothing. No. I mean, the last thing I told him was, I hope you can change.

I hope you've learned a lot. I hope you can change. But if I were you, I would start with your fucking name because I own it. Like if you Google him, you get me. And did that all start from Ari's podcast? Yeah. That's so crazy.

Yeah. So now I think he changed his name. Yeah. No. I think he changed his name. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

But I think me, I mean, I still get women contacting me. I mean, we're up to like nine different fiance's and seven illegitimate kids. Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. So I really, I fucked his life up, which I love, which is great.

What do you think happened there, Sarah? What do I think happened? How did this happen? To me, or just to with hands or why? You know, I have a daughter. I have, listen, man, I have 10 different women I talk to every night. Women I grew up with, you know,

I have like, she's like assisted to me. She's having problems with her husband. I have another friend of mine who I grew up with. I'm tight with her brother. She called me a few months ago and she goes, you know, me and my husband are done. I was like, you guys have been together since fucking grammar school, you know?

And she cheated on her and it's just amazing. Like right now, like I'm not goofing on you. Seriously. It's just weird. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we're like, you know, we're both the same age. Where's that young girl that we're supposed to be hitting on? Why don't I feel like stopping by the fucking

Lexa store and buying like the fastest car they have? For me, it's completely different. Like I don't even wanna fucking be out of the goddamn house. Like I do my comedy, I do my podcasts with Lee, you know, I see some friends and that's it. I'm pretty content with that. What happened to the midlife crisis that most guys are supposed to get and lose their fucking minds

and you wanna eat pussy and leave your wife? That all comes from like the honesty and the relationship. Like when you're content and you don't feel like you're having to hide anything or say like, you don't feel a need to go out and buy a car which is an escape, right? You don't feel a need to escape your house. I think a lot of relationships, people feel a need

to escape and get out and they're trying to, you know, they feel like they, there's so much more going on that they're missing and that's because they're not fulfilled in what they're doing and I think that all stems from being honest with one another. I think it's easy to be like, yeah, everything's great. No, I love you. Yeah, you love me, great, okay.

You know, and meanwhile, like someone's stewing about something that's really bothering them but they don't feel like they can really say it or they don't want to talk about it and, you know, and that's where all problems base from, just a lack of honesty. And that's why when this thing happened to me, it came out of nowhere because I'm so honest.

I can't tell when someone's lying because why? There was no signs when he was running game. There was no signs that maybe there was no. No, I didn't think that he was like run, like, I had no clue about that. There were signs that there was like, there was a couple of red flags that I definitely ignored, which was him saying whenever he said he was gonna do

something and then he wouldn't do it, that was like, and I would address it when that happened and then he would give me some sort of excuse and make, you know, in a very manipulative way, you know, like make me feel like almost guilty for asking, you know, because he's so busy with the special forces that he's in serving our country. And that really tugs at my heart string, you know,

like since I'm such a huge military fan in person, like that was, and then, you know, ultimately, I was like, nope, this isn't right. Like I had been manipulated before when I first moved out here by like, I had like a very verbally abusive relationship that I was in and, and ultimately, like it was very manipulative where he would,

you know, I would be upset with him and then in the end, I was apologizing for bringing it up, you know. So when I first even said something to the military guy, he was like, when I caught him, he was like, well, I didn't know that you really loved me, that you cared about me. And I was like, uh-uh-uh, that's, I know what that is. That's manipulation.

I loved you plenty. You are just an asshole. Like this isn't my fault for not loving you enough or knowing, telling you that I loved you, you know, like you knew and you messed up and you're an idiot. I didn't know about all these other women until after I'd done the podcast with Ari. I just knew about the one wife

and that his parents were alive. He told me his parents were dead. Wow. Yeah, so I found his mom on Facebook and that's how it all started. Yeah. And then I was like, wait, his mom's alive. And then at first I found his brother,

which he said he didn't have any siblings. And then I was like, well, maybe they're not really brothers. And then I found his mom and then I found his wife. And then I was like, all right. I couldn't imagine trying to sleep with somebody and having to say that much shit to sleep with them. I couldn't even imagine the-

And luckily I hadn't slept with him. So I was really lucky. Are you serious? No, I never slept with him. Yeah, I just met him on the base and he was moving here and we were gonna get married. We had talked about it every day. And then, so I'm really lucky because he had relations.

I mean, I found out like a few months ago that, well, this was, yeah, like that he had, a girl was pregnant with a baby and that she was currently pregnant. And he, oh, this was, so this was last December and that she had gotten pregnant like the month that I met him, like literally after I met him and she was on his base

and she was stationed there. And then like, even while he was like, he had just met me, he was still fucking around on the base because he wasn't in the special forces. He was a contractor. This last guy you were dating, he had problems with too. So I check up on you all the time by Red Man.

Yeah, yeah, the last guy. It was one of the Saratheianas world and he'll tell me, oh, fucking Saratheianas, we gotta fucking together. Yeah, this last guy walked in on him having sex with someone else. Jesus Christ! I know, yeah. Where'd you meet this guy?

I met him, he had a podcast and he also worked in comedy, works at Jash, which is like owned I think by like Sarah Silverman and some other famous comics and they're like an online video resource things like their own YouTube. And so I had met him through that whole realm and then he owned a couple art galleries here.

And yeah, I just like, we just started talking and hanging out and yeah. You went to his house? Yeah, I mean, I had keys to his place. I mean, we were that far along. You know, and like there was a, you know, again, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored and I was not in a position that I should have,

I should have been dating anybody because I had just gone through a breakup and so had he. And like that's, and I didn't take the time to like really heal, I just jumped into something else to help me heal and so did he. So it wasn't a healthy start. So I'm not saying that like, I'm not saying I deserved it. I'm just saying that I should not have been in a position

and he shouldn't have been in that position either. But he's still a fucking asshole for letting me walk in. Like I literally walked in and I, the alarm went off and I turned the alarm off and he's like, hello. And I was like, don't worry, it's just me, you know? And I had a feeling when I was walking out cause he was dodging my calls, like not dodging them but just like, I'm, I don't feel good.

I'm gonna go to bed. And I was like, well, he doesn't feel good. And I called him and I was like, well, just go give him a kiss good night. He doesn't feel good, you know? And drop, you know? And then, yeah. And then he's like, what are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here. And I was like, oh, this is my fault? Okay. But I think, I think a woman's intuition told me that something was going on and that's why I went there. I didn't, I don't normally go to people's houses unannounced. That was very unlike me, but I think I knew something was going on

and I just decided to address it right away. And I always told you, women know, they just give you the rope to hang yourself. I always say, they always fucking know. They just give you the rope to hang yourself with, you know? So I haven't dated anybody since then. Good. Yeah.

It's really weird, you know? When I was younger and I had that baby girl, Jackie was her name with my first wife and I had her physically until she was about six or seven. And then I would visit her till she was about 12 and then that's when the problem started and our communication. But I had a dream, you know?

I had a dream to put together a Super World. Okay. I wanted to put together a daughter that, you know? I mean, my mom was a fucking savage. You know, my mom was a fucking savage. I think my mom had like three, like my mom had a boyfriend early on and she moved to the stage and she hooked up with my dad.

Then when my dad died, she lived with another guy. She married him and I'm on the one night she asked him for a cigarette and he went to flick the cigarette at her. He flicked it at her. Okay. She didn't fucking like it. No.

It wasn't lit. Like he just went like this and she didn't fucking like it. And she hit him in the head when he was sleeping with a fucking statue of a fucking saint just because. So, you know, I knew stories. I had heard different stories. I think she was embarrassed to tell me

but when she was 16, she stabbed the guy for raping her younger sister. So that's why my mother had an alias. When she went into the stage, they got her out of Cuba and then she went back and used that alias and the alias stayed. This is when you just went to Miami and got into Cuba, you know?

Wow. So for me, I come from a bloodline with a fucking women of savages, you know? At least, I want a daughter who, I just don't want her to be impressed by these fucking jerk offs early on, you know? You see these girls and you see these jerk offs talking to them and you really want to say something.

You really want to go, are you fucking kidding me girl? Look what the fuck you're talking to. Right. But he's got a little, so that's her hat on and a tattoo. You can tell you could smell this guy's a fucking malice to society. The fedoras. Yeah, fucking fedora.

When I see a young guy with a fedora and he's not in a band, even if he's in a fucking band, we got a problem. Unless you're a Sinatra, you shouldn't have a fucking fedora on your fucking jerk off. Yeah. And you just want to create the super woman, you know? Your daughter would be this woman that that's not, this is not going to happen to her.

Right. You don't want, what do you tell them? What the fuck do you tell your daughter? There's no, you know, there's no right or wrong thing to tell them, to be honest, it's like, you know, to me, it's just like, call me, there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's just that you just have to teach them everything

that you know and get set them out there and hope that they make the right decisions. And you know, you have to, for me, like I had to go through all of these things to really figure out a lot about myself. And with the military guy, that's not something that I think, but I was aware of the, I did notice the red flags because I learned from every relationship that I got. And if I hadn't have had the intuition to be like,

there's something weird, I'm just going to Google him. I'm going to find out more because knowledge is power when you're seeing somebody and, and I don't want to be. And you know, and it had only been a couple of months. I mean, these women that I had, that contacted me after the podcast have been with him for years. And I, if I had not have done that podcast with the power that I have, these women would still be in the dark.

So in my mind, I don't look at it as something that happened to me, I look at it as, wow, I just helped save the lives of like nine women. I just, you know, with through pain, you know, but they're done with him now. And now he has a horrible rep and hopefully he won't be doing this constantly. And when they go to look him up in the future,

like they'll see me and they'll realize that he's an idiot. And, and so I think, you know, through all of this, I've really learned a lot and like definitely it's been painful, but I mean, I'm a comedian. So I, I have the benefit of telling these stories on a public forum so that more people can figure it out. And when I did Ari's podcast, I mean, that was the craziest thing was the amount of letters and fan mail that I got

from that was, that's why I'm writing the book because the letters were so eye-opening for me. Like there were men that contacted me and like, I've been doing this to a woman for two years. I've been pretending to be somebody else for two years, but until I heard you upset about it, I didn't realize, it didn't connect with me how it could really hurt somebody.

So not only do I feel like I stopped it from happening to tons of women, I stopped men from doing it to a lot of women and, and I stopped women from doing it to men. There was a lot of the same thing, like women being like, oh my God, I've been doing this for a while. I feel so bad now. You know, so I think it's like, it's good. It's like, I have, you know, I feel like sometimes I'm kind

of a guinea pig to help other people's relationships get better, but at the same time, like I think I'm going to find, when I finally do find the relationship that I'm supposed to be in, I think it will be some sort of meta thing where that will be just a perfect, you know, compilation, but it's going to take me a little bit longer because, you know, my parents have been married for 40 years. So it's not like they gave me relationship advice, you know,

they didn't really give me advice. You know, it was just like, well, watch us. And, and I just, for me, I've always just been that person that's never satisfied. There's always like lots of things that I want to do. And, and so I didn't really do the work on like studying what I wanted as a person and as relationships go early on. What I cared about was traveling and seeing the world.

And like, so not until like five, six years ago, did I even care about like seeing this. It's not big for some women. It's not big for some guys. Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's not big for some guys. And all of a sudden you get hit with a woman.

She's hot. You know, you're in a bad position. I just didn't see, I never could see the whole line thing. Like saying something that you're not getting caught. Right. And just going through that whole. Seems like a lot of work. Yeah.

It seems like too much fucking work to, just to be honest with somebody. You know, this is what I do. You know, you're beautiful. I just want to fuck you once a week. Eat sushi. Yeah. I want to play with my computer.

That's it. You know, I think a lot of women go, you know what? This guy's an asshole, but I kind of like him because at least he's fucking honest. Okay. You want me to just come over Thursdays. That's it. Yeah.

Thursdays, we're sharp in the pencil. We'll eat some sushi. We'll watch the ESI Miami. You can sleep over, you can leave, whatever fuck you want. But after that, I just can't, you know, I can't have your, it's something, just something. Yeah. Guy's trying to be something else.

I never fucking understood. Do you have time? You got a boogie. No, I have, I have time. I just had to leave by like eight. Oh, beautiful. All right. We got another 30 something minutes of my girl here.

No, it's fucking tough. I just want to build a super woman. When you were a dad, I think, you know, I think about my mom, what she tried to do with me. I was talking to my wife about about a month ago. She says that my wife, my mom kind of knew in a way she was going to die. So she prepared me.

She gave me all this stuff to be cool with women. Like she did. She gave me a lot of tools for women, like as I was growing up, how to talk to them, always compliment them, always open up a door, you know, tell them what's on your mind. You know, just little, and I saw from her balls, from the balls she had, I was like,

oh, I dig this woman. Like I'm a fan of women, you know what I'm saying? I'm a fan of, the other night I was watching something. The other night I tried to watch eyewitness news at 11 o'clock, you know, when you're home and you're like, no one wants the news. Maybe the 405 was shut. Maybe it blew up, you know?

And it was like the first eight minutes was garbage, but it was the night that the chick was kidnapped for 15 years. She lived with the guy in the valley. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. That fucking story. How do I prevent that from happening to my fucking daughter

that she has that fear to go to the supermarket, you know, not to tell the supermarket clerk, this fucking Mexicans got me with a ball and chain. You know, what the fuck fear do you live with? I mean, what? Yeah, I mean, I think honestly, like the greatest thing to encourage with your kids is asking questions.

I think growing up, my parents always entertained all of my questions. It wasn't like, stop, you asked too many questions. I mean, it got me kicked out of church twice when I was growing up. My parents still didn't get mad, you know? Because I was just like, wait, Eve came from Adam's. Which rib?

How did that come out? Why did it, you know, you asked, and I'd never been to church, you know? But anyways, I think being naturally, even against the system, you know, like at school, well, why can't we chew gum in class? What is it doing? What's the harm?

Why is it doing, you know? Just asking questions in society. When somebody says, no, this is the way it's always been. Well, why does it have to be like this? I think that's why, you don't want, you don't want your daughter to be in the cattle. You don't want it to just be like, okay, I'm just going with the flow, you know?

I'm just gonna be herded like everybody else and not ask questions about government or why a man's treating me this way. Like it's those questions in our head that make us comedians, right? We're constantly like looking at things we're naturally observers and we question why things are the way that they are.

You know, I always say that I get paid to notice things that most people don't notice. So like- Oh, we notice them, but we don't really notice them. We notice them when we drive right past. Right, yeah. And then when you mention it, we go, yeah, there is. There is a photo we can place.

Of course, the street from the fucking from where our office is right there, I like this shit, man. Yeah, no, no, no, that's what- I think actually encouraging people to be inquisitive and question why things have to be the way that they are, that's where you get women who are really strong. You know, you're never gonna have both sides.

You're not gonna get a girl that's like, you know, you're still gonna get somebody like me who's like strong and ask questions and like is like, you're not gonna push me over and then I can still get duped into falling for the wrong guy. Like, that's just, it's, you know, it's all just a big pinball game.

We're all just like hitting a bunch of things until hopefully we score the right amount of points. I don't know. It's weird, we were talking before the show about that hashtag thing, the- Yes, all women. All Yes, all women. And like, I've had this conversation with women before.

Like, I've never done anything like I've never attacked women and no one I surround myself with would ever do that. So like, when I read some of them today, like always being nervous on the street or always having to put keys in your fingers, like. Yeah. Well, my first thought is not that they're being over dramatic but like, is it really that bad?

Cause like, no, I've never been around anyone who's attacked a woman and I guess for me, like you never think it's gonna be that bad but is it like that bad that you go like- I mean, I think- Do girls always have to be on the alert? I think, I think some women naturally have more fear than others and sometimes that fear can come from

having been hurt in the past. So now you're hyper aware or you're just like, really, really worried even though nothing's ever happened to you, you just get told all these horror stories. Like, don't put your hair in a ponytail so they'll grab your ponytail and rip you down. You know, like, I can remember, you know, like, always look under your car before you walk up to it

cause sometimes men hide under your car and then they'll slash your Achilles and then you fall and you can't escape. You get plagued with fear and then you are consumed by it. Whereas I feel like I'm never really afraid of anything. But that's just me, you know, because it's like I don't have guns in my house. My sister and her brother, my brother-in-law

like have guns in their house. Like no one's ever robbed. I've been robbed before. I don't have guns in my house, you know what I mean? And I think about, you know, if somebody attacked me, what would I do? Like, well, I would, you know, I would probably say like, well, why do you need this money?

Or I would, you know, you're supposed to like make yourself. Like, you're like, I mean, I would, yeah, if somebody had a gun on me, I'd be like- I'm just fucking money cause shit's crackin' like it. Yeah, I'm happy to give you money but you have to tell me why you want the money. Are you fucking crazy? I got shit crackin' tonight.

Yeah, okay, great. I'm going to the fucking bar. If you have shit crackin' then I'm not giving you money. You're going to have to pull that trigger. I got some freaks and shit. You have to pull the trigger. I got some freaks in the living room, where they get it on, you know what I'm saying?

Wrong answer. Let me ask you something, Sarah. 11 years of comedy. I've been dying to have a female comic and I hate to even say that word, just a strong comic in the room. Every six months, some fucking asshole raises his hands. I said something about women comedy.

And I sit there and I fucking, just nod, because I know that the people who say that type of shit, I don't know where they're coming from. I don't know if they're people who are scared of women. I'm scared of women on stage, okay? Because I'm a fucking professional. And I, years ago, I went to La Jolla. I was in La Jolla for a first show, something.

Oh, 10, 12 years ago, there was a couple of comedy rooms in San Diego. So they usually started at eight. So when you finish, you went to the second show at La Jolla and you hung out with the comic. I forget going there for the second show and it was Beaumont Bacon, you know what that is? Was featuring.

You've never got to see Beaumont Bacon. No. Whether she's funny or whatever, it's your taste. But she has a lot of energy. She has a lot of high energy. Now on a fucking Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, it's not no fucking worry about it, even on Friday. But a Saturday, when it's date night,

it's tons to worry about because now a woman has a fucking spokesman. Yeah. You know, you go to a comedy show on a Friday and say, all right, it's three fucking guys. Well, the first chick is kind of up there and whatever. But you got a girl like Sarah or fucking somebody who's got a voice or something to say,

you might have a hard night as a strong comic. Why? Because it's just the way it is. This woman might come out and get the women so riled up that now whoever comes in between, it better come out offstage the right way or he's going to lose them because the women just have a voice now.

It's a very fucking weird, psyche comedy game that you get to see every once in a while. And I walked in there and I saw a Beaumont and something hit me the wrong way. And I went to eat, maybe across the street from Hawaii, there's a Chinese place, is it still there? Yeah, there's a sushi place.

Chinese sushi, Chinese sushi. Tremendous place. Pork fried rice, get a couple pieces of albacore. And I took the headliner over and I remember him cocky and saying, fucking this and that, I can't believe they co-headlined Beaumont with me. So, cause that's what, she closed the first show.

Oh, she closed it. That's what it was. She closed the first show. And I walked in and I'm catching this going, ooh, I would hate to have to fucking do 45 behind this lunatic tonight. And I heard this guy saying, I don't, I'm not scared of nobody.

I'll follow anybody in the world. And I said, I had to sit and wait the fucking hour to watch the demolition. And she went, oh, she fucking demolished it. And I waited to see him come offstage. And he was going, ooh, it was a rough night. He went up there cocky, cursed a couple of times up front, said something negative.

I saw Nic de Paolo died behind Beaumont bacon at the comedy store one night. Last time Nic de Paolo, we were walking to the comedy store in front of Matisse. I saw Beaumont bacon light them up on a Saturday night. It's amazing, unless you know the power of women only an idiot would make that statement. Are you saying like, do I feel like male comics say that?

No, no, every six months, some motherfucking be male or female raises their fucking hand and sticks their foot in their fucking mouth. Cause they go, that's the worst statement you could fucking make, you know what I'm saying? You know why it's the worst statement you can make you dumb motherfucker? Cause anytime in a fucking day in this country,

in America, you could turn the TV on and somewhere, somewhere, there's an I love Lucy episode fucking somewhere, okay? I don't know if you've seen the name of that fucking show. It's I love Lucy. There's nothing else about Ricky or the retarded kid. Well, Ethel Mertz and none of those fucking the fact ball dude, it's fucking Lucy.

Now we all grew up on Lucy at some point of our fucking lives and laughed. You Lee, you, Sarah Tiasso. Just for you to make that fucking statement right there. Not to mention what's, you know, I'm talking what, you know, comedy has evolved. I grew up on Roseanne. Roseanne.

I learned everything about. I love everything about Roseanne. I learned everything. I'm a Denver guy, so I heard her story. I was the same age as Becky on her show. So everything Becky went through, I went through at the same time. At the same time, see?

But yeah, every fucking six months, some dumb motherfucker, whether it's Jerry Lewis or just some dumb motherfucker says something. How do you feel? What are you? Well, I always feel like I don't, I don't necessarily find a lot of women funny either. But statistically in my mind,

there are way more unfunny men out there. And I find way less, I don't find a lot of people funny. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. And so like, and I don't feel like I ever have, I definitely have a tough time at shows, you know, cause people will be like, oh, it's the girl we should make her go first or whatever. And I'm like, all right, well, good luck.

Cause there's, you know, five, six comics that have to come on after me. But I know I can set the tone and I always am clear to say, like I'm just here to make a counterpoint. And I think that, like you're saying, like it is tough for men to follow sometimes because women get riled up. They haven't heard, they haven't heard anything.

Nothing in that corner. They haven't heard anything. They've heard about how much they talk. They talk, they heard about how annoying they are. How you want them to suck their dick in this. And now they get a woman to speak for them and somebody who hits a vein. I'm not saying all women are going to do that,

but a woman's going to come out and hit a vein. Listen, man, I'm a fucking comic and I'm a piece of shit. And I've done a lot of weird things. I got to tell you something. I watch at least, I give every comic a benefit or doubt, but I give a woman even more benefit than that because a lot of women have made me fucking laugh. The biggest, you know, my mom was like, yeah, fuck.

So I understand the comedy of a woman. It's a different quality of comedy. It's a different healing unless she goes off the fucking cuff and just says something outrageous, like Felicia Michaels about her work foot that she's got. She got ran over by one foot when she was a kid. So she doesn't put that foot out when she's fucking. She puts the other foot out, so it's a cute foot.

You know, just shit like that, that, you know, I think some women have funny fucking shit and I laugh at. So whenever somebody makes a statement, I think of the girls coming up, you know, I think if they take it personally, I wouldn't take it fucking personally. I look at the guy and go, you know what, what the fuck. Do you think they get like judged more just because like,

if you go to like a comedy club in LA, it's like 10 or 15 comics and maybe there's one or two. So it's just, it's kind of shocking to see, it's like more noticeable that there's girls. They're like, do you think they just judge because it's like there's not as many and. Well see, like for me, I always feel like, I always, like to me there's always a weight

on my shoulders when I go out. Cause I'm usually going to be the only woman that anybody sees that night. So I'm representing all female comics to all of the people in the crowd. So if I do bad, they're like, yep, women are terrible comics, you know, if I do good, they're like, huh, I never think women are funny,

but you're pretty good. And that's usually, it's like, there's never really any way to win, but I just always just think, yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't feel like I have an obligation to be, you know, funnier than I can possibly be. I'm just going to go up there and work just as hard as I would any other night.

And, and yeah, I mean, there are a lot of people who aren't funny, but at the same time, I don't really like it when women complain about it because I feel like it really, like it's hot, like it's an advantage if you use it the right way. Like I believe that like being a female comic is an advantage when you're good at it.

Like I'm always the first person people call. And that's cause I work my ass off and I do a really good job. And if you worked your ass off and you did a really good job, maybe people would be calling you first, you know? So no, don't sit there and complain to me that it's just like hard and people treated you like,

treat you like shit. They treated me like shit forever too. But it's the same way at the comedy store. Like I used to do what Chelsea did all the time. I would watch her and she would just come and be funny and leave. You leave. Come, you be funny and then you leave.

And eventually they'll ask you to stay. Now I can't get them to let me leave, you know what I mean? It's really weird that you're with guys 92% of the time. You're around guys that are disgusting and vile and shit and your skin is tough. And I gotta tell you something. 20 years ago, if I would have met you 30 years ago, I would have paid on you all the time.

You're like my dream cake. The hair, the Irish, the freckles, the body, the smile, everything, I mean, you're a... But the thing I really admire about you, the thing like why you're sitting here is you've never sold your sexuality to us. You've never hidden. You know, when I started doing comedy, I was dirty.

I mean, I was selling you the lowest common denominator. I'm not proud of it, but that's what got me through the door. Now I try to write more and explain my life. You see girls who are very pretty and they sell you their sexuality and you try to tell them that it's very hard to be comedy over the beauty. With you, you dress down.

You're very beautiful. Naturally, you don't sell it. You know, you don't wanna sell it. And that's why you're here. That's how I respect that quality of you. That you could have done this a different route. Yeah, I think it's cause I want everybody to laugh. I don't want just some, you know,

like I saw that happen when I was coming up. You know, at first of all, it's just not in my nature to try to be like sexual because I'm just really kind of awkward about it. Even though I enjoy it, but that's more of a private thing for me. It's not something I like to talk about a lot, but also like, I see-

No, no, I'm not talking about on stage. I'm talking about- Oh yeah, just like day to day, like walking in here. You know, some women going on stage and they'll show you cleavage. Right. What they don't know is that the women are gonna fucking hate you.

Right. And the guys can't look past your tits. Yeah, that's what- That's it. Now the women, you go on stage with that green fucking t-shirt on. Yeah. At first of all, I'm sizing you up as a man.

Women get on stage while she's kind of cute. I'm looking at her and I'm like, that bitch is hiding some guns under there. You know what I'm saying? If I had a dog right now, that dog would die. So, for some guys, that's a turn off. For me, it's a turn on. For a guy.

I like that. I want you to keep me thinking. Anybody could show me your tits. Right. Keep me thinking. And with comics, so there's such a psychological when it's a woman comic. A year of very intelligent.

I've been watching you for two years. And you as a red man. Whenever I talk to a red man, I run him through a list. How's Sarah doing? How's Tony Hinchcliffe doing? How's fucking the black girl doing? Tiffany. How'd the rap battle go?

Oh, the roast battle. I won. Did you? Yeah. Do you like Tiffany? Was a knockout, sorry. You get along with Tiffany? I do, I like her.

Tiffany's a great lady. Yeah, she's very nice. I've known Tiffany a long time. Tiffany's another one that's a fucking nut, man. But listen, man, I'm happy you got on. I know you gotta leave. I could keep you here til Tony's back at night. I know, yeah, I know.

I have a comedy bowling league. I know, you have to leave and stuff. How cool I am. Yeah, anything you want to plug real quick while you're here? Oh, yeah, I mean, just my Twitter is at SarahTiana. Sarah with an H, Tiana with a T. And any gigs you want to plug, that's important. At Embarrow, we got people that listen to this over there.

Yeah, I'll be in Edinburgh in August. I'm in San Diego this weekend at the Mad House. And then I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma, at the Comedy Festival July, June 6th through the 13th, I think. What festival is that? Some new comedy festival there. Yeah, I don't know. They're doing it in Nashville, North Carolina.

They're doing them everywhere, they're doing them everywhere. Yeah, they've really caught on. SarahTiana, I love you. I love that you're here. I love you too. I'm one of your biggest fans and stuff. I really appreciate that. This is a special Sunday in that edition and shit.

I still gotta give some shout outs and stuff. If you want to walk down, I really walk you down. No, I just want to say thank you so much for having me. Oh, I love you, SarahTiana. I love you more, thank you. I can't believe it took me this long to have you on. Like I said, I mess with you on Twitter, but when you mess with women on Twitter and other women,

other people see you messing on my asexy and like, fuck, we enjoy it, I'm SarahTiana. I don't think I could DM you. I think you broke that fucking option. We don't follow each other. Something that's so weird, how sometimes you go to message somebody like, fuck. Now I gotta hit them in public in front of everybody.

I don't really want to hit them in front of everybody. Let me give you some shout outs real quick here. Jay Horton, you bad motherfucker. Konstantin Rain, Michael Joachim, Dan Pazzini, Tommy Heta, Kirby McKenzie. I love you, cocksuckers. Thank you for always being here. Also, to our sponsors,

you're gonna get this Monday morning, March, whatever the fuck, how you doing, Lee? I'm pretty high. How's that Chee Boat G? You're looking good, cocksucker. What are you gonna do, May 26th? May 26th, you're gonna get this. A beautiful day to be alive.

Get up, wash your little pussies, get out there. Somebody out there's got your fucking lunch money, cocksuck, I don't give a fuck if it's Memorial Day. Get out there. There's a soldier somewhere on fucking duty. So get out there. I don't want to hear about you crying. You never even wearing the Boy Scouts, cocksucker.

So what do you care? What do you know about veterans and shit, bitch? On it, for all your fucking health needs, from jump ropes, to kettle bells, to supplements, to alpha brain, to shroom tech, they can help you. I read an article about, everybody always got their opinion about everything.

I'm sick and tired. I'm breathing better and some guy writes an article about the mushrooms that they grow in your lungs and fucking creatures come out of your asshole. I don't need this shit late, man. I'm drinking coffee. Anyway, Dollar Shave Club, what the fuck? A dollar, six dollars?

What? The promo code for Honor Church. What fucking promo code? The box, go to the box. Go listen, what you gotta do is get your life together. Go to honor.com, see what they got to offer you. They got supplements, they got jump ropes, they got weighted vests,

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And you're a fucking savage like Sarah Tiana playing with her hair over there. She's making my heart beat. Number two, Dollar Shave Club. Again, I'm sick and tired of going over this with you fucking people. If you're not with Dollar Shave Club, you're missing the boat.

Even my brother George says he spends 22 dollars a month on raises. Even if you drop the $6 package, I'm saving you $16 a month. At the end of the year, I'm saving you a douche. You know what you can do with a douche, you can take Sarah Tiana on a date to Benihana and hang out with Mexicans

hanging out with these Japanese people. They're the real actors in this country, ladies and gentlemen, not fucking Brad Pitt, nobody else. Go to a Benihana, you'll see a Mexican acting like a jeep. That deserves an Academy Award. Anyway, what the fuck, Lee? Why you giving me that out of the before?

I'm telling you. How many animals have you had? Don't worry about what I ate, alright? Just worry about what yourself. Dollar Shave Club here. For all your shaving needs, they also have a post-shave now. Yeah, yeah, so that.

If you see that, they have the pre-shave, the thing for your face, like cocoa butter. I think it's called Dr. Carver's. Tremendous, they don't fuck around. They're making big accomplishments over there. You know what I'm saying? I don't know, I don't know, Sarah.

Maybe you shave your monkey, you put that fucking aftershave on it. It smells like flowers. I don't fucking know, women do no more, I don't know. Anyway, go to Dollar Shave Club, what is it? Dr. Carver's magnanimous post-shave. Oh, my beautiful, good, yeah. You fucking did good at the spelling bee.

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It's all over with the shot. Hulu Plus, what am I gonna tell you? Modern family, a daily show, scandal, you can see all your favorite shows, you can binge watch them on smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any fucking streaming device you got in the house, you understand me?

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When you go to a strip club, does the stripper let you sniff under the tip of, no, she doesn't. You have to give her a 10 spot to get the party started. The same thing happens everywhere else in this world, not with Uncle Joey. I'm gonna let you get Hulu Plus two weeks for free. I'm the fucking arm, then $7.99 a month after that,

watch all your shows. Remember, $7.99, get your shows anytime, anywhere. That's like a quarter of a fucking day, where you gonna get that action at? Escape pod tank, you're all fucked up, you had a bad week, your wife left you, you wanna soak in some fucking, what's the name of that? Sensory deprivation tank?

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When you get, when you invite Sara Tiana over, we'll float together, God knows what could happen. She'll teach you how to write a joke, cock suckers. Anyway, we're back Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. Lisa, you're sitting there like a fucking morth. Get it together, Sara Tiana taught you some stories about how you're going to go home. We have, we have the live podcast too.

And we got the live podcast Wednesday night, if I don't work, because I'm shooting that movie, and I'm shooting a TV show. I don't know my schedule till tomorrow. I don't even know about San Diego. I gotta call the girl tonight and let her know. Look at Sara Tiana throwing heat with those tight little pants on.

She's making my fucking heart beat, motherfuckers. Anyway, we love you. This February, Wednesday night, Ice House, if I don't have to shoot the movie, Saturday, Thursday night, San Diego, and then 6-5, and 6-6, I'm with my man Duncan Trussell at Wise Guys in Utah. And then the following week, I'm at Governor's Bitches June 10th through the 14th, June 12th through the 14th.

I'm at Governor's in Long Island. Beside that, I don't know what to tell you. Have a great holiday with your families. Have a great holiday. Light a candle for the veterans that fucking smoked dope and did shit before you, you ain't the first motherfucker. I got a knife, cock suckers. Stay black.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for a free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has you binge on thousands if it shows. Anytime, anywhere under TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com.

Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and go to escapepodtank.com. Yeah, escapepodtank.com and get all your extended deprivation techniques and mention joeyds and get $250,000. Have a nice night from cock suckers.

Oh, I have, I wanna be around since we've been playing on a Monday. Thanks. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me.

Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean I wanna be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine. And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you, like you, profile.