Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #181 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, July 18th…. This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Better Help, Manscaped & Blue Chew.…. Manscaped  Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code DIAZ at https://manscaped.com Support the show and receive your first month free at https://BlueChew.com with promo code JOEY Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #BetterHelp #Manscaped #BlueChew The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Jack, one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joy. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Here we are for another Monday edition of Uncle motherfucking Joey's Joint. It's the 18th of July. Fucking great week.

It's going to be hotter than fuck this week. So double powder that nutsack because it's going to be fucking hot. It was hot yesterday on Sunday. Today's going to be, it's supposed to be fucking like 90 to fucking Friday. So you won't see me outside. I'll be in the pool all motherfucking week. But it was a great weekend. I had a great time last week.

I hit my Thursday spot again. Little commitments become big commitments. And I did Thursday at Uncle Vinny's. It was fucking great with a, I forget what her name is Sheila Mason and Natalie Cuomo. Fucking great. I had a great time. But while I was there, I noticed something and it fucking fucked me up for like two days. It really did.

It fucked me up. You know, whatever happened the last two years, I don't want to harp on it. Whatever the fuck happened the last two years, we forgot a lot as Americans. Like we forgot a lot of fucking things, you know. And I forgot a lot of the things that brought me fucking joy. Like I had a lot of little things that, you know, it's not reefer. It's maybe hanging out my daughter or something. But the things that I enjoyed, like my little fucking things.

I went down that Thursday. I followed Natalie Cuomo. I had a good set. You know, I just fucked around and then I watched when Sheila got off. There was only 50 people in the audience, maybe 60 people. So it gave me a chance to sit in the audience and watch live comedy again. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

Now you're going, but Joey, you were just on a tour. Joey, you were just with Rogan Atlantic City. I'm sure you sat and watched them. Guys, I don't like arena tours. I don't like stadium tour. Like for me, what works for Uncle Joey? Like what works for me? When I'm watching music, I wouldn't mind seeing fucking slash, you know, in a stadium or, you know, big time.

I don't care. But for comedy, for some reason, it's never worked for me. Hey, it works for everybody else. It doesn't work for me. In the sense that when you watch comedy around 40 people, that's as pure as it can be. Like we have forgotten that. Like, listen, I'm like you. I want to see the Bill Burrs, his new specials, fucking great from Red Rocks.

I want to see the Rogans. You know, I want to see the fucking Tom Poppers and shit. But here's the problem with that. I think that over the years, even with me, like I fucking, when I do a theater and shit, it's like things get lost in translation. The bigger the forum is, you know what I'm saying? Like I saw Def Leppard and AC DC and Judas Priest in venues that people would kill to see people today. For us, yes, that's how music was supposed to be done.

1800 seats in a little theater, intimate sperm on the floor, you know, who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Like who gives a fuck? You're enjoying the energy of this fucking band, whoever that may be. I really don't give a fuck. But it's a smaller type situation. Again, you're talking to somebody who went to Madden Square Garden to see Ted and AC DC or Black Sabbath. I felt I was in the right venue for them.

But it would have been better in the Palladium, but I'm not complaining. Now you kick it outside, right? When we're at the fucking, the garden, we're inside. 18,000 seats, 19,000, whatever. When we go, let's take that same party into a football arena. You double the people and it's outside. Like you have no roof. So the sound goes out for a guy like me that's half fucking deaf.

It just, it's an uncomfortable situation. I'm just, I'm not even watching the comic. I'm watching the screen. Okay. It's like going to a UFC and you get the first 10 fucking rows. You're sitting next to Boss Root and you got that guy over there. But if you look at all of them, all of them are like this, looking at the fucking screen. Because if you're looking at the cage, the cameras in front of them, the reps in front of you, all this stuff in front of you.

And night, listen, great seats. You could smell the sweat. You could smell the tears. You could smell the blood. It's phenomenal. But like the best seats I ever had were with Ari up in the middle where we could see straight down and fucking with the acid and this and fucking silver kicked. What's his name in the jaw and knocked them out. The acid made me actually say, wow, like I saw the power.

I was like, holy fuck. It was like a Batman effect. But no, man, you know, it's like going to a, it's like going to a driving. A driving is great. Mike's in the back. Lee's in the back. We're eating edibles. We're passing a joint around.

We're eating fucking popcorn from 1973. We got the fucking thing in the window, like the little fucking thing in the window that sounds a little fucked up. But you're with your friends and you'll probably have to watch that movie again at some fucking time. Do you see what I'm saying? So I've always been a fan of the smaller venues. I've always been a fan of open mics. Like, yeah, it's great to go see Led Zeppelin. It's great to go see the cars.

It's great to go see corrosion or conformity or fucking, you know, but it's also nice to just go to a fucking open mic. The one mic plays out of the Monday when everybody's running around with a chicken without a head and, you know, a guitar string might blow up. You know what I'm saying? And that's the entertainment. Not for you to leave and go, I went to an open mic and the fucking band sucked, you know, obviously not like that. You didn't go for that. Now you're going to go back. You're going to do an experiment.

You're going to go back in six weeks. You know, look at the roster and go, what is this band back? And you're going to go see them in six weeks and see what the adjustments they made. That's, I like all that shit. I like that whole fucking creativity shit. So I just, I didn't want to go home. And I said, let me go out there because when, when an audience is packed, like if I, if I, if I do a show and met full trans opening or Dean Delray or Jimmy or any of my friends, I want to watch them. But guess what?

I can't because if I go out there, some guys are going to come up to me and go, can I take a picture? Hey, Joey, what? And I'm like, Hey guy, I'm, I'm, I'm appreciative that you want to talk to me. But that's the guy that you got to be paying attention to, not me. So I can't even go watch my friends. Like I went out to watch Rogan for two minutes and some guy grabbed me. I, you know, I'm like, I can't do this because you disrupt that area. So you're disrupting that area and you're being disruptive to the fucking comedian up on stage.

So if you had a comedy show and you see me and I'm watching the headline, I'm not going to take a fucking picture of you. Let him fucking do his set. And afterward we could chit chat and talk. But anyway, when I went out there the other night, there was nobody there. So I just sat there and I'm like, wow, this is fucking great, but I got to be honest with you. I was mesmerized for 12 minutes for 12 minutes. I hung on every word of Sheila's. I watched her.

I watched her mannerisms. I watched her take tells. I watched all her little things and it was fucking great. You know, the last time I fucking did that, I'll tell you when the last time I fucking did that. Maybe January of 2020. My goal every week was to slip down to the store on a Tuesday night or maybe even like a Saturday night. Like I used to, if I was home on a Saturday, I loved that shit. I would call the store for a 930 set.

I would close the original room early. I still got my setting and I'm still home by fucking 930. But I would go at 715, talk to the waitresses a little bit, and I would go in that room at 730 or 7, whenever the fuck it started. And I would watch the first eight comedians. I'd put like a little hooded shirt on, a little hooded sweatshirt, and I'd sit in Mitzy Choice chairs and I would watch whoever. I didn't give a fuck who it was. I would just sit there sometimes alley-wong. But then as the night grew up, you know, as the night got later, somebody would come and they want to have a conversation about something.

I would go, fuck. Now I can't watch this motherfucker. You can't have a conversation either. You're paying attention to the fucking comic. I would get super stoned. I mean, I would do like four bong hits before I left the house and a joint in the back of the comedy store. And I would walk in there with a water and just learn, watch, observe, you know, see the things that are going on in the fucking room. What else is going on while they're on stage?

I'm watching the waitresses. I'm watching how they drop their drinks, you know, on the table, like when they not drop their drinks, but drop their drinks to the customers. I'm watching all this and it's fucking tremendous. It's fucking tremendous. Now in my world, where I come from, like the best was the Houston Laptop. When I was a fucking feature act, I would go to Houston and I would stay on Monday nights to perform because it was the best night of the week. Coke was flying. It was a fucking party.

But I would open Mike, watch the comics. I would watch the fucking comics and I would watch them and study them, even if they had been doing comedy for two years, because watching sometimes is as important as doing. I don't want you to tell me, oh, no, no, no, no. Listen, I love watching specials and I learned stew and stand up comedy from watching a couple of specials. I could still fucking tell you which specials I watched. That's not the point. The point was live comedy, so many things happen. Like that's why I like, I don't like guys who stick to their material all the time because shit happens in the room.

What are some of these slips? They keep talking about your aunt, the fat chick, the fucking don't eat pineapple or whatever. They don't want to hear about that. The audience wants you to address what just happened in that fucking room. Not so much the music, right? The music, you don't stop your ukulele and go, hey, look at this guy. He fell down. You can't do that.

But with stand up comedy, people want to feel in the moment. I love preparing jokes. I love them. But I also want to be there and I know that if something happens in the room or I get a reminder, I can throw a fucking audible in there. I can throw a different story in there about the situation that's going on and whatnot. So I was just blown away that night on the way home. I remember how much I enjoyed. I forgot about how much I enjoyed live comedy.

And what we're going to do the last couple of years, we all got stuck in the house watching specials. So I got caught watching specials for a long time. And I got to tell you, man, I'm not going to watch the special again because I realized how much I enjoyed that live comedy, not in a big fucking way, not like 400 people. No, I'm talking about when you go one of those nights and there's 40 people and there's 10 comics and maybe five of the comics aren't up to your standards. They're just getting started. But even watching them is fucking. There was a guy. I think the most I ever learned as a comic was watching the open mic in Seattle.

Seattle came into my life because Denver was okay, but it was such a big time club that they put on like, you know, the comics that were really rocking and rolling. They didn't put on the early guys. I like to do. I like to mix the guys that have been doing comedy two years or less in the mix. Don't put them up one after the other because then you're going to have a fucked up show for four or five comics. So you want to get them involved in the mix with you. And those are the comics that I enjoy watching when they fuck up. This one comic used to go up every Monday and he would do seven minutes on impersonations.

Like this is my impersonation of Michael Klein. Did you enjoy it? This is my impersonation of Joey Diaz. Did you like it? Like that's what he would do. That was seven minutes of that every Monday. This is my impersonation of Cosby. Hmm.

Did you like it? And after like 10 weeks, I used to watch him. There was a couple other guys. There was a guy that used to put a handcuff on and go up on stage and say he was, you know, these are the guys you want to, these are the guys you want to watch. And the sad thing is these are the guys that eventually killed themselves. I mean, not, not in a bad way. There was a comic up in Seattle. I always had the handcuff on.

I forget what his name was. He was a sweet, sweet guy. When you had a conversation with him, you knew he was little butts. You know what I'm saying? There was a couple of comics up there in Seattle, especially where I learned that mental health is like Rudy Sawyer says mental health and entertainment are in a fucking fine line right there. And I know Mike could attest to this. There's some fucking crazy people in the music business. And there's some crazy people in the open mic business.

Okay. Crazy people. And those are the people I live for. I love those misfits. I was a misfit at a fucking open mic. I went up there and was rocking and rolling. It takes like two fucking years to rock and roll. You're just going down there to get fucking abused.

That's it. When you're an open mic, you're prepared to get fucking abused and you go down and you do the best you can. And that abuse teaches you how to cope with all that shit. So it, you know, at the end you'll go, oh, now I know why I got abused all those years. Now I'm enjoying knowing that I got fucking abused, you know. So that's what those first two years are. But I would enjoy watching. Like there was a fucking transsexual.

That's right. We already had a transsexual up in Seattle in 1995. And guys, I used to study her to the T because him or I don't know. She used to go up there and threaten the audience and she was going to show them their cut off dick. It was in a jar. You know, it was, it was insane. She didn't have no dick in a jar. She fucking, she would go up there.

I don't know what she was talking about, but she would break it down about transgenders and all that stuff like that. It was fucking tremendous. If I could bring Rita O back today, I would. Rita O, God bless her soul. I love the dealie. She was the ugliest human being I ever met. She looked like one of the devils behind the cover of Sabot Bloody Sabot. If you, if you ever fucking see Sabot Bloody Sabot.

Where? Yeah. Look, you see the front? This one is missing the back. The front is like, uh, it's these locusts. See, it's like these devils and shit. The back is really a guy saying goodbye to his family. Like the picture got ripped off because fucking, I put it up on the wall with crazy glue or something.

When I ripped it down, the fucking album ripped. But the back of the album is fucking, is a family saying goodbye to their fucking loved one. And then the front is when the devil comes to your house and takes your fucking soul. Those little devils, that's what Rita O looked like. Sorry about that. But she looked like she had pointy ears and short hair. She looked like the kid that shot everybody in fucking Chicago two weeks ago. She looked a little like that.

She had the fucking, uh, she had the fucking, what do you call that stuff? Like not tattoos, but she had like no bangs and her head just went straight down and that was it. That was her little, that was her little fucking. She was a man. She showed me a picture when she was a man. And I don't know which picture was uglier. The one when she was a man or when she was a woman. Now, when I say these things to you people, I loved Rita O.

Rita O let me money one time, helped me with fucking headshots. I loved Rita O. So I'm not saying nothing bad about Rita O. What I'm saying was that she was not a good looking person at all. I mean, at all. And she was like five foot two and she would always fall. And that's what she, because the head was really big. When they made the operation, you know, they keep your big head.

That's why I would never work with a trainee operation because look at the size of my head. You can't shorten my chin. You can't take a little off the sides. You know what I'm saying? What are you going to scrape the fucking skull? So as a woman, I'd have this big fucking head and my balance would be off. This is how she died. Rita O.

I'm not trying to be cute. I'll fucking call Josh Wolf right now and have him tell you how she died. Rita O constantly fell. If you didn't see Rita O at the open mic, it was because she fucking fell somewhere because her equilibrium was off. So she would fall. So she just kept falling for and she would go to those gay clubs. I went with her to some of those gay clubs a couple of times and she would get up on the fucking boxes and jump and sure enough. Oh, now I will later had to bring her home with ice packs to shit.

One night we fucking went to do comedy at this place, man. I will never forget this as long as I fucking live. It was 1996. She would get like pills and shit from the government because she was officially handicapped because of the trend, the operation, I guess. I don't know. So they would send to all these fucking pain pills and all this shit and she would snort coke as much as I did. So one night went to this open mic, a bunch of us, me, Josh, Gavin, Tana, Manu, Brody. We would take over these fucking rooms and just go off in Seattle.

So this one night we're going up there and we throw Rita O first. Rita goes up there and she's up there talking about cock and all this shit. And the owner fucking went right up on the stage of this restaurant, took the mic from him and he goes, we must be clean. We are not a dirty comedy club and all this shit. They didn't know what was coming up after. This was just the appetizer of the night. One thing led to a fucking other and we settled it. We go, she'll be clean. Don't worry about nothing.

And the guy's like, okay, okay, it's a family restaurant. He gives Rita O the mic. She starts blasting cock jokes and assholes and shit. The guy's losing his mind. He throws us all out, but Rita refuses to go out in the night. Softly. She wants to get into a pushing match with the fucking dude. So now we're pulling her.

We get her in the car. She's like, fuck you. Nobody tells me what to do. I switch governments. You know, I do what I want. You know, all this shit. We bring her home and she's still fucking tough. She's starting coke and she's talking about this guy banning how it's not fucking legal.

And I'm like, Rita, what do you want me to do? Fucking call the president. You know, you just tell people, what do you want me to do? Rita, I can't help you here. Call the president if you want to change the rules. She looked at me. She goes, you don't think I won't? I will.

So four in the morning, this bitch got on the phone and called the White House. And when they answer, she's like, I want to talk to the president. I'm like, Rita, they're going to trace that call. And they're going to come back here and they're going to take away our drugs. And they're going to fucking, and she's like, I don't care. So she called Clinton. I don't know who the fuck was president. And she fucking, she kept calling them.

They hung up on her. And sure enough, the next day, the cops came through our house. Yeah. They didn't come at four in the morning, but they came the fucking next day. All right. Anyway, last weekend, I was talking about fucking cinema. You know, and how much I love cinema and how much I miss it. I obviously went to a fucking movie Monday with Ari.

He's leaving this week. If he wasn't leaving tomorrow, I'd say pick another fucking movie. Let's just go see something. I want to get in that habit of going to see a movie every week, not a new movie, something old and a ratty cinema that smells like whole farts. You know what I'm saying? Two for one, two movies for 10 bucks, whatever. That's what I meant to.

Anyway, I talked about porn and porn. I spoke about fucking cinema and all this stuff. And I got these interesting, I mean, people, I guess I'm not the only cinema fucking addict out there because people really responded to me. Like people were like, bro, we feel the same way. But I got a couple of fucking interesting emails from people like Joey. And all the years of listening to you. I never really heard you talk about porn.

You know, were you, did you ever go to any porno houses or anything like that? The answer is yes. When I was, I don't know, 16, 17, there was a movie theater on Sunday nights, maybe in T-neck, Tana Fly, 25 minutes from Northburg and that showed pornos. And I was a stupid kid. I was like, fuck yeah, I'll go see a fucking porno movie. Let me tell you something. That was not good.

I don't know who sits in those fucking porno houses all day. But that shit was not good. I went to watch one movie. You know, it's one of those movie theaters you go to the bathroom and three guys pop out of the fucking, out of the fucking stalls to watch you pee. Like all of a sudden you'll get a guy that has to pee right here and a guy that has to pee right there. And they're both looking at your dick and she like, come on guys,

knock the fuck off. It was one of those places. In fact, the reason why we stopped going there was because the buddy of mine got into an altercation in the back and we fucked the guy up and we had to run the fuck out of there. There were creepy people there on the weekends. I think I went maybe. It was Sunday nights.

I went maybe two times. And that was enough for me. I am not a porn guy, guys. I love eating ass. I love eating pussy. I love craziness. But I had two situations happen to me that destroyed me. Out of the porn game.

Number one, when I was like 10 or 11 or 12, I ordered pornos online, you know, not online. Couldn't order shit online. No, you couldn't even order them on TV. You had to go to a Playboy magazine and go all the way to the back. Not even Playboy. Penthouse and those disgusting magazines. Like, you know, Cherry was a cherry and we were kids

that showed you like the girls fucking kidneys and shit. I mean, they were disgusting. Cherry was one of those magazines with the cherry on the cover. C-H-E-R-I. Again, I was never a big porn magazine guy, but somebody gave me a porno. You know, you jerk off when you're 11 or 10, whatever the fuck you do.

And then... You, is it Cherry? Yeah, yeah, Cherry magazine. You could put a little picture up during the podcast. Cherry magazine. There's Cherry right there. He's over Bruce Lee. Cherry magazine had all those things.

So me and like five of my buddies, Sabatino, Spesh, we fucking chipped in like four bucks a piece for $19, $19.99 or $9.99. They sent you three pornos and a little projector. Nice. Fucking a projector for $19.95. You had to mail it to somebody's house whose parents weren't going to be there all day.

It was fucking crazy. We waited about seven weeks. It was the longest seven weeks of my life because every fucking kid that chipped in the $4 was like fucking, where the fuck are my pornos? Guys, I don't know. It's four to six weeks for the fucking delivery. So every day after school, we would run to my house

and see if the fucking pornos had gotten there. Eventually they got there one day. So one day we had to wait now to watch them. I had to make sure my mother was out of the fucking state. You know, you got to make sure your mom is out of New Jersey. She's in New York City. I couldn't take a chance with her just being up in the Union City because she would make a surprise attack

and then shake me down and shit. I told you, my mom shaked me down for like 10 fucking years. Every time she saw me, I had to turn around, put my hands on the wall and she'd fucking frisk me and the whole thing. So, oh, it was fucking tremendous. So, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. So we watched this fucking porn. It was like a hot, hot, hot summer day.

My mom was going on like a mech game or some shit. I put aluminum foil on the windows. We were up in the attic. So we had to get like a theater, like a movie theater. It had to be dark. We were up in the attic because I had the door. I didn't really have a door. When you came up the attic stairs, it didn't have a door.

It just had like a, it was no, no, no door at all. So, uh, we put the aluminum foil up. I took a sheet and thumb tacked it because we put it on the wall. I pushed the bed around so we could all sit on the bed long ways. I don't know. I think I made sandwiches and shit and one that we all went up there like liverwurst sandwiches with American cheese. I fucking love that shit in the summer.

And we made like liverwurst sandwiches and one up there, guys. It was the most disturbing, disturbing, disturbing afternoon of my life. Okay. This isn't the point that you see now with, I don't know, a delivery guy comes and you suck his dick. No, no, no, no. This is like a chick that was strong. That's what it opened up with.

Just a chick strung out on heroin. I could live to be a hundred. And I'll never forget these first to eight minutes. She was strung out on something. She was skinny. She must have had a kid because she had flapjack titties. It was the nipple was the thickness of them. It was not bueno to look at, guys.

She had like burn marks on her. Somebody was putting burn marks on her. And I'll never forget. This is like a fucking comedy routine. If I could find this tape today, I would fucking, I would go up there and just play it for 45 minutes and narrate it. And people would be fucking entertained because this was real disgusting pornography. And the chicks like, oh, fucked up on, I don't know what.

And all of a sudden I don't know where a cock just pops out of the screen. It's coming towards her. And she's like, you know, high on whatever she sees. And she's like, oh my God, a cock. And she's like looking and you can hear the director going, grab it. Grab it. Like this is how bad this fucking porn was. Like grab it.

Grab it. Like what the fuck? And all of a sudden she's like, no, she doesn't want to. This is all on tape. And finally you just see her grab the dick and she starts sucking it. And it's disgusting to dick. It's got burn marks on it too. They're probably from the same burning community or whatever the fuck.

She's sucking his dick and she's not into it. And we're like fucking kids. So we're like, what the fuck is going on here? This is disgusting. A dick in her mouth. We had never seen that. I never knew that that could even fucking possible. I started grabbing my little dick like, what the fuck?

What if she bites it and shit? She's sucking the guy's dick. Then you finally hear like the director go cut or something and she stops. She's all fucked up. And she's like, and the guy's like, yeah, whatever. And all of a sudden she just puts her hand and he gives her two pieces of white bread. I'll never forget this guy. She put the two pieces of white bread on the guy's dick.

Then they give a miracle whip and she puts miracle whip on his dick and she starts biting the sandwich around the fucking dick. Guys, after the second bite, all three of us were probably like 12. Four of us was 12, but there was one 10 year old. I let him in because he chipped in the five hours. See what I'm saying? So this motherfucker started crying. That's how bad this pornography was. He just started.

I'm scared. I want my money back. We'll fucking die in a laughter. But at the same time, I'm fucking scared of this shit. What is this putting bread on a guy's dick with cream? I don't know if it was miracle whip or that shit that that. What's that fucking disgusting shit that people. Marshmallow stuff.

It was like that marshmallow stuff and I'm like marshmallows. I couldn't deal with that shit. So I turned that motherfucker off and then like, yeah, I'm a man. I'm into titties at church and shit like that. And then my buddies took me to the 1040 club and I saw a fucking waitress that looked like she got hit by a fucking bomb. And she told me to give her to give her 10 bucks. She wanted 10 bucks to fucking for me to eat a pussy. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind.

I put my pants on. I ran the fuck out of that. And that was my short career in the porno life. And now for a word from our sponsors. Better help. Listen, you got to take care of your mind. A lot is going on in the world right now. We spend a lot of time taking care of our skin, our hair, our teeth.

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Well, a therapist called Dana and it has been a positive. I'm doing great. She got me some coping skills. She taught me how to deal with some of my anxiety and some of the issues. And here we are. It's much more affordable and in person therapy. You never get it. You're never going to get a face to face therapist right now.

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We're back. Sorry about that. I had to drop a little message for you from better help and Uncle Joe had to take a piss. Let me tell you what happens to me. Okay. When I go to the gym early mornings, I must drink 60 ounces of fucking water. You got to remember I drink like fucking. I bring like a 48 ounce thing of water with me with like carbohydrate powder in it.

And then I got another water and I put liquid IV in it. So between this 16 ounces and the 48 that's 60 fucking ounces. Okay. I'm ready to bust a fucking nut. So I'm very sorry about that, but we had to read better help anyway. So I'm hoping that you are using everything from better. They're a great company. They helped me and I feel great and they, I'm living fucking proof.

You saw me in the transition. So, but anyway, going back to porn, I mean, those two situations, I don't know. I was never a big porno guy. I have one Playboy magazine in my house. It was given to me by Sergio Ortega on Facebook. Dear friend of mine for the last 12, 13 years. We started Beauty and the Beast and I said one day that that was the only Playboy I wanted and he found it at a fucking, I got a Playboy magazine that said, I don't have penthouse.

I don't even know where to get cherry. I think they're out of publication. Amazon has cherry magazine. Wow. Fucking Amazon is stupid, Jack. But I just was never, I don't know. I was into, my wife says I'm a prude and I think I believe that sometimes. Like I'm, I talk a lot of shit, but I'm really a fucking prude.

I don't like a lot of things that a lot of people like and enjoy. That's why when I heard a lot of things saying about me, I'm like, obviously these people don't know anything about me. I'm a regular guy. I like to get my dick sucked and have a great fucking time, but it's not what you guys think. I always think about it and I look around and I think how people might feel. And I felt that way even as a child. Like I was like, I used to look at girls sometimes and go, how can a girl sleep with me?

And then just go on with her life. Like I never liked that. Like I was like, so we're going to work together and then I'm going to give you a stabbing. And then we're going to go back to work like nothing happened. And it's never going to be discussed. I always had fucking problems with that. So I was never a fucking pulling guy. And it's weird when the people asked me like, they were like, Hey man,

you never talk about fucking porn. I couldn't tell you. I know Tabitha Stevens. She's a porno chick, a porno lady with dear friends. I'm friends with her and her husband. I could look you motherfuckers in the eye and tell you that I've never seen her naked. Whatever picture she puts on Twitter, I'll retweet for her, you know, and they're always covered. Felicia Michaels, my dear friend, my sister was in Playboy magazine.

I have never looked at her spread. I've never looked at the spread. I've never found, I just, I like it too much. I don't want to see what a pussy looks like. You know what I'm saying? I know a lot of girls that are on only fans and shit. And I don't say a lot of comics, especially will say it up on stage. If I get to talking to them, I can't look at an only fucking.

They're only fans. Before I started to patron a girl at the comedy store told me she was not only fans. Just to let you guys know, I thought she was topless, but I also thought they were doing jokes on there and shit. Because only fans made me an offer. Like three years ago, they were like, listen, we want to put, was it only fans? Yeah, it was only friends. Are there still comics on there? Yeah, they show tits and shit.

That's what happened when I joined this girl's patron. I don't mind looking at somebody's titties and if she's cracking jokes or I don't know what she was going to put on there. When I went to it, it was her fucking boyfriend. And I was like, that's kind of wild. It was like a ball in the pussy. I was like, you know what? I don't see her. She wasn't one of my dear friends.

It wasn't like it was like Whitney or Eliza or something like that. I wouldn't look at that fucking pussy either. But I just don't know. It just made me always feel like I was cheating. And then this is why I'm bringing this up. Guys, I like to read a lot. I like to read. I like, listen, if you're going through something and you're like, when I was a kid, when I went to Colorado, I learned that.

Well, I figured out that, yeah, I had great friends. I grew up with great friends and there were great people and they'd give you the shit off their back and whatnot. But sometimes your friends don't help you expand your mind. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, they'll help you fucking rob people and they'll help you beat somebody up and they'll help you get drugs. And that's great. But expanding your mind, open you up to different things. When I went to bold, I learned about that.

You know, they have to go outside, just circle sometimes to learn different things. So I always went out, you know, guys, I was a fucking loser and I wanted to, and I was struggling and I just wanted to get it right one time. When you keep trying, when you're losing, you keep trying and you keep failing. It doesn't feel better even though failure builds fucking character. But I just didn't. I always tried to put myself around people part time that were smarter than me that I could learn something from. And when I joined jujitsu, I met a lot of intelligent fucking guys because to be really good at jujitsu, you got to have a different mind. You got to look at things different.

Eddie Bravo sees things different. I know he sees a flat earth also, but disregard that. Everything else is fucking solid with that dude. One of the guys that I love with all my heart that's really helped me a lot in the last couple of years is Nick Gregorius. Nick Gregorius is the first black belt from Haji Gracie. And I started looking at his videos online and I liked what he spoke about. He spoke about things that were different. He's spoken about opening up your mind.

So I really started getting into him and communicating with him when I got into jujitsu. He had a tremendous close guard game, which that's what Haji Gracie teaches, a close guard game. He said he would come to the jujitsu school and guess what? He came to the jujitsu school. I was at Subconscience and today he's part owner of Subconscience. I hooked him up with Brett and that's one of the things I'm really happy about. Between Brett and Nick, they've taught me so much about life. Brett's another guy that's white dude from Indiana, bad motherfucker, dangerous jujitsu guys.

If you're looking for great jujitsu instruction and you're in Southern California, I mean there's a lot of it. There's big schools, Cabrinha and fuck and Eddie Bravo, Ten Planet and Alberto Cranes. They're all great schools. But if you're looking for a smaller school where you get a lot of bang for your buck, I love Subconscience. I love Nick Gregorius. Nick sent me his book a couple of months ago and I started just looking at chapters, reading through chapters. And I found the chapter that was fucking interesting as fuck. So I read it and I found a couple of chapters in this book that were interesting as fuck.

But there was one chapter in particular that fucking stuck a chord with me. If you get a minute, order The Modern Man's Guide to True Health, Wealth and Fulfillment. It's a great book. I've read the whole thing. He has a lot of interesting stuff in there that you could take from. We all do. Nick, I'm not saying Nick is like me. I'm like Nick in a lot of ways.

I like doing human experiments on myself. I've done human experiments on people with edibles and shit like that, breaking the boundary, you know, breaking the band. But I do a lot of experiments, you know, and this guy is smarter than fuck. And when I picked up his book, I couldn't put it down. But one of the chapters I wanted to read for you, if you guys like porn or whatnot, again, I'm not here to judge. I don't give a fuck if you fucking, you know me, I don't give a fuck. Men, just imagine the enormous potential you could have liked within yourself. If your mind, body, spirit and purpose were all totally optimized and working in harmony.

In Aligned Successor in Tropin' All, Nick Grigoresh is 20 game-changing principles. Nick's a fucking great guy. But one of the chapters that didn't apply to me, but apply to what we're talking about, is chapter 7 is called Drop the Porn. And it opens up with a zig-ziggle of fucking line. Feed your mind with the good, the clean, the pure, the powerful and the positive. Around the same time I began to meditate, I began to develop greatly increased self-awareness. Specifically, I became hyper-aware of people, places and things that affected my energy and the way I felt. In particular, I started to notice that each time I engaged with porn,

I felt several negative effects. Not only did I feel literally and frigidly drained, but I also noticed it was having detrimental effects of my mood and ability to concentrate. I watched a movie in 2013 called Don Juan. It follows the story of a guy who develops unrealistic expectations from watching porn and cripples his ability to have a healthy relationship. Eventually, he overcomes his addiction and finds happiness in true love. Alright. The dark side. I want you to imagine a spectrum of human experience.

On one end are the things most of us intricately regard as positive, composure, contentment, clarity, self-mastering and health. On the other end are the attributes and states of mind that we view with disdain and seek to avoid disconnect and patience, impulsiveness, greed and confusion. To me, almost any action or experience can be located somewhere in this spectrum. Porn hijacks the circuitry of your brain and causes you to become addicted to sexual novelty and to subscribe, I don't know, dopamine spikes released by viewing it. Unfortunately, you also become very quickly desensitized to this novelty and require more unusual or extreme stimulus, which is usually accompanied by increased levels of depravity. Porn feeds the urge for instant gratification and fuels greed and excess. In this way, it's destructive to the soul. A close friend of mine once worked with someone, let's call him Steve, who got a job with one of the big porn types.

Steve Rowe was to filter out submitted videos for anything illegal or too extreme. Basically, he watched porn all day and got paid for it. Well, after a few months when my friend saw Steve again, he was shocked at the deterioration in his physical and psychological state. My friend said all he kept thinking about was that he reminded him of the golem from the Lord of the Rings, sickly and anxious. He couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. Anyway, we don't need to read this anymore, but it's fucked up. I've never, like I said, I like pussy. I'm like you. You know what I'm saying? I like big tits. I like hair on them.

I like looking at assholes. I don't like chicks sucking dick in front of me. Like I've never been a big fan. I want to see some guys dick. I don't know. I never felt this way about porn. I just knew I didn't fucking like it, you know, but I didn't know. The reason why I read that was because I didn't know it affected us as much as that. I've heard fucking little noises over the years of people having problems with porn or addictive to porn or whatever like that. You know what, man? It's just, I don't know. It just never fit my fucking who I was as a human being or whatever.

Again, if you go like Playboy and you got naked pictures on your wall, I ain't mad at you. I was 13 once too. I had a couple of pictures. I had his little legs up on picture and under it. Like it was a great under it. I had like a picture of a chick with pussy and shit. My mom never found that she ended up, my mom never found that she didn't look under the posters. She died. But if you got a chance, man, and you could get this book, this is a great fucking book. Like I said, I've always been like a mouth fan of Anthony Robbins and those guys. I'm not going to fucking walk on all that shit. But he has some great stuff in here.

Minimize your alcohol use. Realize it's not about the money. You know, because he talks a lot in here. He's a Buddhist in a way and he talks a lot in here about money and material things to happiness. What brings happiness and whatnot. And one of the things he talks about a lot that I have now that I didn't have five or six years ago is clarity. Clarity is very fucking important, you know, self awareness, clarity where you stand. These are all the things that I worked with for years and then I got away from and then I went back from and then I got away from.

But it all came back in the laundry, you know, when you're trying to better yourself and whatnot. I don't want you to take these books to fucking art. I want you to take them. Do the experiments. I mean, this guy, I love him because he even has a chapter on sleeping here. And again, I do some of these same things. He says that, you know, optimize your testosterone prior over the ties, the sleep ritual. Okay.

I remember reading this tape your mouth. That's a fucking good one, but you breathe a lot better. You know, he takes sleep enhancing principle, sleeping and enhancing supplements. So he goes from CBD to magnesium oil to lemon balm to zinc to GABA. Don't take them all at once because you'll have no idea what's working for you and what is it instead introduced on one at a time. And that's what I do also to see what the fuck you're getting your bang of your buck. So I switch it around two nights. How you CBD line the tincture two nights.

I use fucking something. I don't want to use, which is that fucking night cool without the alcohol that fucks up your asshole. What's that called? You're at you. I don't know. You just think that you piss a lot in the middle of the night. I'll go for the fucking melatonin and magnesium. I love melatonin from fucking on it as great melatonin.

You spray it under your tongue. You know what? It's only going to work two or three nights. That's all that works on me. And then I have to put it back into a fucking different situation. I'll tell you the Delta eight CBD line Delta eights put me to fucking sleep. I got a lot of shit, but I have to go from night to night. Last week, nothing seemed to fucking work.

Guys, I smoked. I got no reason. A lot of you motherfuckers. I think Monday night I smoked three joints back to back. I fucking ate everything in that kitchen. That's the morning I woke up and my socks were in the kitchen, but I could not fucking fall asleep. So, and then I realized that last week was a full moon. It was a full moon Sunday, Monday and Tuesday or something like that.

So that's what didn't fucking let me sleep was a fucking full moon. But who gives a fuck? I'm happy about this week. I got two shows. I got fucking Wednesday at Uncle Vinny's and I got Thursday at the stress factory. They both sold out. I'm very happy about that. I went from doing one show a week.

Now we go to two shows a week. You see how easy this was? You see how easy this was? Little steps become big steps people and you take it from fucking that. But if you do everything all at once, you're going to fucking crash and it's the Lord diminishing returns. I'd rather come home at night and go fucked. I could have done another spot tonight. Then go do it.

I just wanted to keep this going for a couple of weeks. Just one spot a week. This week I do too. I'm sorry. I didn't see Sam Tripoli last week. I had an idea. I thought Sam Tripoli was here this fucking Saturday the 21st, not the 15th. So I fucked up.

I miss Sam. Some of my friends were not to see him at the dojo comedy. And that was my fucking weekend guys. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to keep it consistent. I'm not going over my head. I don't know if you guys read the news this morning on Sunday morning. Fucking Craig Robinson was on stage in North Carolina.

He was about to go up and a gunman came in and shot five shots in the club and they all had to evacuate the fucking club. Like I tell you people all the time, watch yourselves. Watch yourselves. Watch people. I'm not telling you to stay home and fuck your life up because you're scared of a gunman. That's never going to fucking work. All I'm asking you to is a human being. Keep your eyes open guys.

Don't get too fucked up in public. Those days are gone. Remember when I used to tell you motherfuckers that you don't go out on new years and get fucked up because you want to pay attention? Guys, it's getting to the point now. We got to do this seven days a week. You want to have a few drinks out, have a few drinks out, but you don't want to get hammered out no more. Because you never know what's going to happen and you want to be aware for every fucking thing. But when somebody comes in with a gun to a fucking comedy club, I get concerned and I hope you guys get concerned.

I'm not telling you to go buy a gun or a bulletproof vest. Those are the things not to do. I'm just telling you to keep your eyes open. Pick your fucking destinations intelligently. And because I tell you what, it might cause me to go see fucking Cheap Trick and I get shot in the head. I'm going to be laying there bleeding going. I can't believe I died going to see Cheap Trick. I fucking hate Cheap Trick.

Now if I got shot in the head going to see fucking Sabbath, I wouldn't give a fuck or let Zeppelin. But can you imagine going to see getting shot in the head over some fucking shitty band or some shitty party you didn't want to? So pick your fucking spots fucking intelligently. And that's it and that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I had no idea what I was talking about today, but hey, it made sense and I had a good time. What we covered today, don't watch porn fucking or watch porn and lose your fucking mind. I love you motherfuckers.

I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip top Magoo ready to go. If not, I'll see you at the Stress Factory or at Uncle Vinny's on Wednesday. Have a great Monday. I love you cocksuckers and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. All right. I want to thank you for coming on today on a beautiful fucking Monday. Don't forget the party and nuts.

It's going to be hot. But now better help is the way to go. Listen, we had a rough couple of years. We started, their minds started going in different directions and now it's time to pay the piper and who better than better help. Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable. Why is therapy important? The way the world is going today, guys, it's not bueno and we got to process all the stuff that's getting thrown at us. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat therapy sessions.

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That's 20% off and free shipping at manscape.com. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank better help. And I also want to thank blue chip. But most importantly, I want to thank you for always having our backs here at the joint. Stay black, have a great fucking day, and I'll see you Wednesday. Tip Top Magooie. Thank you.