Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #184 - Joey Diaz, Alfred Robles and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 8, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Alfred Robles. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 06/05/2014.

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also thank you to escapepodtank.com go there and mention joeideas and save $250 off your sensory appropriation thing oh shit oh shit the church what's happening now special two fucking podcasts on a Wednesday night

rocking it bitches crank that motherfucker Lee take the headphones I gotta see a little wiggly let's go Lee get up get up you gotta shake get up there some cash oh shit drop alone on Lee huh go Lee what

Lee what the fuck gotta wiggly crank that shit crank that motherfucker that's Blaine singing what always for all the people people set the tempo let's do this shit not that tempo let's do it Lee

that's it that's all you got you haven't even broken the sweat busted kick it Lee there's a fucking jam Lee you got nothing for me the church what's happening now part two six four fourteen

the day the devil was fucking butt banged in the muffler and thrown in some fucking river in New Jersey what what what let's get this shit started turn the music off

what's going on Joey D is with the church what's happening now part two today Wednesday June 4th I don't know when this motherfucker's gonna have but it's fire tonight we got Lee Cyatt on fucking a cookie and a half burning I gave him his first taste

last Thursday and I've got him strung out already on this cookie's a death and in the fucking showroom my main man tonight you may know him you may not know him but that's why I got him on the show so you motherfuckers get to know him Al Robles on the fucking on the table

what's happening baby what's up uncle Joey gonna tatt it up like fucking son's anarchy meets I don't even know a wife 50 I don't fucking know what's happening here we all good man what's going on they made fun of me because

I parked too far away from the wall they made fun of me what the fuck they made fun of me we didn't make fun of you you parked 8 feet from the fucking wall I come in I go why is this car in the middle of the parking lot he comes down like a modesty modesty walking around with sympathical

juice in his face I was so worried that I was gonna hit the wall and I wanted to make sure I was in the line oh shit how worried were you I was focused on the lines and forgot about backing up and just cuz your name is Lee doesn't mean you got to drive fucked up bro

oh shit look at him dropping knowledge on Lee look at Lee scratching his head I don't get that joke it's a Chinese joke no you don't fucking get it why are you scratching your head all fucked up like huh what's the problem you only have a half I even cut it back

on your ass and you're still oh yeah Robles what's happening baby man just right here chilling man getting ready for the fluffy movie drop when is that dropping July July 11 11 fresh 711 711 and you have

there's a segment in the beginning and you guys are all in it yeah we're all in it's kind of like a little short film maybe 20 minutes and I play a pervert at a club good for you harassing Gabriel ball good for you that's a good one right there I will saw you to the top

right grudge match did one of these what that comes out of what what what are you laughing about you got the blue shirt with the white and the blue flag behind you look beautiful thank you you fucking juke cock suck I love you finally see you're stoned yeah

you feel good you're loose last night you were all tight every time I called you can't go call me every 15 minutes I'm making this cookie from death the Russians are gonna come and feed us 400 milligrams a day so we're gonna be ready that looks at it it's here the Russians it's here the Taliban

or the Arabs somebody's gonna come over and they're gonna want you to eat cookies and you're gonna be prepared because that's how you roll you're not some regular fucking Jew from some mama Lukeville you're a Jew with balls you got spine you got mink young gordy got personality huh what do you think

you think he got personality yeah he has personality man I remember this wouldn't be fucking with you you had no personality I know how I know how deep deep deep jungles in fucking Colombia I bumped into him one time he had two pounds of reed I had two pounds of coke we had a little party and he went his

way and I went my way he ended up in San Diego me I got another story but fuck I'm gonna tell that one next podcast what's happening church of America you bad motherfuckers church of what's happening now if you think Lee is fucked up I'm more fucked up but I'm gonna sell this motherfucker

I'm not sure what you just said brother way by what I just said I was with the questions cocksucker somebody turn the air on I'm dying over here why don't you turn the why don't you turn the fucking arrow I told you to turn the air you know I get anxiety and shit Lee was cold bro

how the fuck is Lee cold no he wasn't cold how the fuck is Lee cold I'm not cold you never cold I was cold you were 90 with the AC blasting in the windows open on the way home from San Diego I like my stab you anyway what's going on

Rob let's talk to this fucking guy from San Diego look how stone he is what you for dinner a stick and cheese and wings how many wings eight eight wings what kind of dressing blue cheese don't fuck with me

listen I wouldn't smell your breath all your ass cocksucker yes you would then you want your dirty bastard what's up with you Rob let's talk to someone else just right here Joey just fucking getting ready for that movie just going up on stage and just trying to get better man you know what it is

thank you you're out every night you're not just sitting at home fanning your pussy like 60% of the comics in LA you bump into them right tell you how bad things are you always make me smile that's why I forgot to put you on the podcast you make me smile every time I see I always got a story you got a question

you gotta keep it real bro I tell you all the stories I tell you what's fucking going on in Mexico what's going on in the streets by my hood what's going on with comics dude shit man this motherfucker is never slipping you understand me you gotta learn from him maybe you should hang out with him

for a couple weeks he's always on fucking point he's always got something an envelope something you know what I'm saying you give him a fucking kilo of coke and he'll do it and when fucking banging it's all over after that we're back get together Lee anyway he's alright Lee he's alright

Lee you're good Lee he's a good man he's a good guy man now you started comedy out here bro I started comedy here in 2002 bro in March that's when I met you old two back in the days man where'd you live back then I lived in East LA

no shit all you motherfuckers in East LA is the same no shit there's like the videos right just like gangland bro now I live where I live right now it's kind of like borderline Eagle Rock in LA that's what they film the gangland about the avenues just right in there bro what's the avenues that's a

big ass gang in LA are they still there they're still there wow there's a run there's a gang that runs the fucking Mexican mafia shit out in the streets so they're coke in there everything dog I have a funny story man in 2000 I had I was I was in the police academy

still and we should get together with my neighbors and we should have water balloon fights and then with with the water guns so we used to run down the street just throwing water balloons and we should stop traffic and then the cops the cops came and you guys are fucking around you guys stop and traffic you guys gotta stop

and like the next day we did it again and a couple of gangsters came down they're all like it pulled us aside and they're all like hey um you guys gotta stop this shit man you guys are bringing heat to the neighborhood the cops are stopping you guys and they're fucking our shit up so they

made them fucking stop throwing water balloons dude that's how quick now you you were starting to be a cop I was in the police academy and I got kicked out for stalking my ex-girlfriend she put a restraining order on me and I got DQ I got disqualified for that

because when you get a restraining order it's kind of like a domestic so you can't carry a gun or anything Jesus Christ where is she now fuck I don't know overall dying somewhere she did you a fucking favor yeah she did I was looking for her on facebook

to fucking congratulate her so you know that fucking stalking again she changed her name I don't know dude I stopped some women take it so fucking personally yeah I mean I creeped her out dude I was stalking her pretty hard were you in love? I was in love back then

how old were you? I was 21 you had the smell of pussy in your ass it was driving me fucking crazy it's crazy when sometimes it grabs you like that I fucking um I was drunk this is when she said I was drunk and she lives in Glendale

and I took the bus to her house I got 10pm and um I saw her car outside and I jumped a fence at her house and I knocked on her window her room window and I didn't think she was gonna be there so I didn't have no fucking plan B and she opened up the curtain

and I don't know what the fuck to do man so the first thing in my head I went like this I pointed at my eye and I go I'm watching you and I just walked oh god yeah I looked through you in jail for that and I saw the cops and I was at the bus stop dude yeah they'll throw you in fucking jail for that now

with this how you been with her? I was with her like for like a year and a half and then you guys broke up and I said you know what fuck this I'm gonna stalk her man I burned her fucking house down

that was my next step dude I don't give a fuck for that man it's amazing it really is tell me the truth well it's easier now because it's social media so you wouldn't even have to go to your house yes you would no

that's half a fact fucking stalking that's like half known you gotta go to the house and park there and watch it through the bushes no I'm not gonna do that that's how you stalker you can't be stalking just on Facebook or on Twitter I'm not doing it anymore but I mean why

sometimes it's not possible fucking is a sport bro you gotta dress up for it you gotta fucking do everything though balls out well I never did that well you ever in love when you were younger who was the girl which one?

I know who'd you fall in love with that you couldn't stop jerking off and dreaming that you were gonna go to a dance with her and that's some fucking porn this girl named Linda and what happened? I don't know I was too young to realize if she liked me or not then she moved away and years later

we were talking and she was like oh I wanted you to ask me how and I was like but who did you fall in love with that actually gave you a taste of that monkey and you thought it was the fucking best thing you ever tasted and then you couldn't fucking take it no more and you couldn't take being without it

you couldn't fucking wait to get over it like that fucking muffler that didn't really happen with a girl I've had sex with what happened? I've never broken up with a girl that I've had sex with but she cut you off no I can't think of

like I how fucking boring are you you just said you haven't broken up with a chick that you had sex with no no I'm saying it I haven't had those like stalky feelings about one of those oh okay so who do you have stalking feelings for? like the ones where I didn't have sex with

yeah yeah they put it out I understand what you're saying at the time I went crazy I'm pussy was the sixth grade with the broad Nicky I went fucking nuts bro I got let back I couldn't even think straight because I was doing I was dry humping it

I was sucking the titties but that's it she told me the day after school she goes to day when school ends we're gonna fuck like motherfuckers bro I was counting the fuck when you're in the sixth grade you count the fucking minutes I couldn't focus I couldn't do anything

I couldn't go to karate I couldn't fucking do anything and then finally the day after school came and she goes no dog it was a nightmare it crushed me but I went after it but by this time I did so bad at school that they put me in summer school

in North Bergen you have to go to if you miss three days they throw you out dog I miss three I would go to school I couldn't even think about all I could think about was running back and eating that fucking monkey and nothing ever happened and we broke up it was fucking horrendously

and do you think she gave it to someone else bro or did you just fuck after that she did and then years later she bumped into me I was gonna give her a stab but by that time it was too fucking late you know it's amazing how your life changes like that then when I was 25 30

I fell in love with this broad that you know it was a freak man when they're dirty like that you're in a bad position for a while one comes along and let me tell you something it fucking sweeps you off your feet where you know I would fucking climb by the side of a house I would drive by

house and see if she was home and I would knock on her glass but see here's the other thing about me I stalk all my friends like I've always been one of those guys let's say Alfred lives on 72nd street I live on 79th

and you live on 65th if when I'm coming home from a gig in the morning I'll take the route that I'll drive by all of your houses and end up in my house I've always done that even as a kid I always did that that was my main thing I always drive around

and see what my friends houses look like so this broad you know it was weird it was a weird thing but I loved it I didn't know if I trusted or not you know when you have to drive by a chicks house you shouldn't really be with her because you don't fucking trust it

you know what I'm saying you know what's crazy man I was engaged for two years and I'm not with her no more and I remember when we had just broken up she was all like oh I don't think you really love me because you talk about your jokes

about you stalking your ex-girlfriend and you haven't even stalked me once I go bitch that was a long time I was a little kid I was young I was 21 I don't know how to fucking stalk in there I remember when you stalked me like you have those jokes about your ex

and you stalked them and we were engaged you didn't even stalk me she went fucking there you were crazy when you were younger yeah I was fucking crazy man I remember fucking um I was dude I loved that chick so I remember stalking her

and I remember she had a man and I used to stalk that motherfucker too bro old school stalker because when I got the restraining order it was 90 yards away from her 90 yards away from her car 90 yards away from her house

and 90 yards away from her work dog wow that's a happy dude restraining one 90 miles my fucking garbage everything I had that motherfucker on total lockdown like Eddie Bravo in 2014

I was a fucking 90 yards man what made you try comedy what made you I got kicked off in the academy and then I got that restraining order and I always wanted to become a comedian I just didn't know how to do it my older brother really got me into it

I remember he used to have the Andrew Dice Clay tape cassette and Eddie Murphy and I used to listen to it I used to listen to it in his room bro he's snaking his room and listen to it I want to do what they're doing making fucking strangers laugh

only because now I fucking hate their style of comedy bro both of them Eddie Murphy fan or Dice Clay fan but back then I used to love them but back then fucking now I mean now fuck when you evolve and once you see people like you see them hanging out and stuff

so you evolve as a comic but it's amazing who you like at first who drew you at first you know the guy who drew me for sure like I saw prior got my eyes open and Carl opened up my eyes and David Brenner opened up my eyes growing up Freddie

Prince but the guy who hooked me was Andrew Dice Clay and it's funny because I had a friend of mine named Manny and he kept bugging me like he kept bugging me you gotta see this A track this CD the CD? No, that's not a CD

VCR VHS you gotta see this VHS tape I got for you it was endless so for a lot of people don't know I got locked up I got out they put me in a halfway house in February

of 89 they let me out of the halfway house in September of 89 and I went fucking bananas I couldn't stop snorting so I gave them too hot UA so December 1st they put me back in the halfway house

so I was gonna have to sit in the halfway house for Christmas and New Year's Eve was killing me I was a dirty junkie then and I said you know what I wanted to do? and they had a conference room and somebody put that for 25 bucks

you could rent a conference room and have a party with no alcohol but get a TV and stuff so I got the TV and I put Andrew Dice Clay live from Philadelphia and it was fucking amazing and all that shit really was amazing

he pushed me over the top then I watched Rodney Dangerfield special with the five comics with the sign found Lenny Clark once I saw Lenny Clark I had a fucking go for it did you like Paul Rodriguez? I never liked Paul Rodriguez who did you? George Lopez?

No, Tampoco, Willie Barcena I was a fucking Willie Barcena fan bro that was the first CD I ever brought was Willie Barcena no shit what was that CD called? it was just jokes and it was very good

it was very good man I used to look up to Willie dude I still look up to Willie Willie is a lot of things but one thing he definitely is a good writer he's a brilliant writer he puts time into his material he's very meticulous about it

if he talked to Willie as good as he is he wrote everything I remember him telling me I fuck up a lot, I burn a lot of bridges he goes don't take that, don't do what I do just learn how to write, that's it he is a brilliant, if you guys don't know Willie Barcena he had a special on Showtime

that the first 20 minutes we just fucking pure brilliance smashing pure brilliance, I sat there I gotta re-tape this and learn but if you see him, he writes all day all day

he writes all night, it's in his mind that's what Willie does it's a shame that he can't sell a ticket now he can't sell a ticket because that's the comics you really want to go see Willie is a very good comic you go see popular comics

then go see Willie and go I fucking get it, you know what I'm saying so that was one of your influences he took me on the road man we did the Tempe improv I didn't have a notebook I didn't take nothing there I wanted to do good, I wanted to do good in front of the crowds

my first time working at improv and then the second night I was at the condo and Willie comes up to me he goes, he asks me hey bro, you think you're funnier than me? I'm like no you think you have more jokes than me? I'm like no

two days man I haven't even seen you picked up a notebook or a pencil is this fucking vacation for you bro? damn man he's old school, yeah it's the truth man you know, as a comic you always have a job to do

the comedian that says I'm bored that guy ain't working because you always have an hour to write put it down for an hour, email somebody get back on it and I'm way easier than that too I always sit down for a little point of my day I'm better than I was five years ago

because you have to evolve if you have to sit down, fuck I got this thought today I got that thought today, you know whatever but I don't see it I don't know how I you know, Frank Mia Frank Mia the fighter when he went to Jackson's camp

the first thing he says is he goes, I can't believe I got away all these years with not training how I was supposed to and it's amazing how I got away with all those years with not writing full capability and yeah, I have stories, all I have to do is write them out and polish them

and you have your material and your experiences so how you doing over there Papa? I'm good you bad motherfucker, you look at you stone to the geese ills that's it, you're done at the time you have to move tomorrow how many times have you moved the last year

four times I moved once a year but then this fucking second time came out and everything's alright, you gotta be happy I hope so between one and three so you gotta pack all morning or you're done I just have to get a glass couple alternates

I want to eat another cookie right now let me tell you something you fucking moved to eleven o'clock you take a one hour nap you help them all move again, what are they banging you out for I'm gonna say eighty an hour how many boxes you got, three, four hours

yeah, yeah not bad watch this fucking guy he's good man, you're good bro you'll be good, what are you moving to bro valley village right down the street that's it

that's it I'm ready now we're back we're back bitches you fucking herbies on the fifth you fucking tongue herbies whatever from earlier

don't worry about it, you know what I'm saying you never eat a fucking chicks monkey that good no when you lap that motherfucker for like 30-40 minutes until she blows a fucking loaded stamenka juice in your mouth you know what I'm saying anyway

hey uncle Joe, one of the first times I saw you we were at Casa Latina Rose Me Bro old school with the little taco bar yeah man you get there and they had food out for you like a chinese buffet type yeah, remember

and remember you said on stage don't fucking kill me bro you know there was always gangsters there you say I'm not fucking scared of you I'm not scared of the Mexicans with the tight pants with their fucking hats and their boots, I fucking die how do you know bro

those are the real gangsters shit, once you go to El Paso and you see those gangsters that don't say much, they don't even lap they just sit in the audience once in a while they go as they drink their fucking booze with the hats and shit gangsterism is right there man

these motherfuckers ain't not with tattoos jumping up and down like Casa Latina Tuesday night fucking with their pants falling down and shit you know what's amazing how many fucking nights you go out I was telling the Agostino

yesterday at lunch that when you start comedy you have to go out there's no nights off you don't even think about it you know I might get two spots tomorrow and I can get that much better than me I don't have time for hours to get that much better than me

you gotta be out doing three spots a night, two minimum one is a bad night now I gotta hang for two hours maybe I gotta spot 11.45 it's Jeff Garcia's room I'm an hour late, it's in West Covina but it's amazing

how many fucking rooms we went to I learned Los Angeles from doing comedy I learned Los Angeles because I'm a fucking visitor and I want to see Los Angeles I learned Los Angeles from all the fucking gigs we drove to yeah man

Casa Latina to all coyotes, tortillas tortillas all those fucking rooms all the fucking Sebastian's rooms what's Sebastian, oh my god he had fucking scoreboard and Pomona he had Cali's and

Chino that's where the fucking scoreboard was and they had basketball that was a fucking night man the best one was I told the story was Rudy's the one in front of the strip club that was an Irish pub, it's still there

oh Cali's, no Cali's yeah and one night I went in there fiend and we were so broke that Terry drove me so I definitely I wouldn't drop the 50 bucks that's how broke we were that my girlfriend's like how much are you getting for like 50 bucks I'll come with you

and we went down there when I was on stage some guy was drunk and threw his wallet up in the stage and I took it but as I was getting off the stage there was a men's bathroom there was a wall so it gave me a minute I opened it up and there was a bunch of hundreds I took one off the top I gave the guy back his wallet I was like wow

I just made $150 that was a fucking payday Lee $150 then was $29,000 now it was fucking so much more money

15 years ago and you went out every night Sunday I was at the comedy store Friday Saturday we started Monday night Monday night either you had the lab factory or you were somewhere else on Monday I think Sebastian had a Monday night yeah somebody else had a Monday night

Tuesday you had Casa Latina and something else on Tuesday and Thursday was the hot the hot oh shit that's where Felipe you could pick up a mother and her daughter

that's where you yeah and all these places Lee it wasn't about how much you got paid it was how good the taco ball was outside cause that place had a taco ball they had a taco ball inside when you make the left

by the pool table right next to a pool table with forks in it and nose hair and you didn't give a fuck Lee that's how good those tacos were you didn't give a fuck you went over there and made yourself five or six fucking tacos all those places had a taco ball

on Monday Tuesdays remember what's the one down there not Hasbro yeah they still do it on Monday nights on Monday nights when they first started the sunset room that was lobster night or something like that Martin Rizzle has that

Martin fucking Rizzle Lee stop napping cause there ain't no time for naps we're doing the fucking we have a guest here the fuck you know it's interesting cause today I asked

Gabriel how come you know the UFC's going to Mexico oh they are is that the first time I don't know what's going on they're going to Mexico City brother do they have a Mexican fighting at least that's good enough they got to help them with Spanish but it's amazing how

a lot of people are very scared to go to the UFC in Mexico City like that fuck everybody's scared to get kidnapped but one of the most interesting stories if you don't mind telling it oh shit is he in jail right now you got caught bro you got caught again and he's in there

what happened so he's extradited breaking down for Lee this was in December like in 2011 man Chapa Guzmán was one of the most wanted criminals of all time bro he was the first the first drug dealer

to make the Forbes list he's a bad motherfucker he's in Robin Hood to Mexico man he built fucking churches he built houses schools for everybody so he was wanted and I was at

where my parents are from and we went to go eat late we went to San Marisco's place and I was with my uncle and we see these two guys walk in and my uncle's like something's gonna get down something's gonna go down what's the name of this town you're in and how far from the border

it's maybe like 12 hours from the border Jesus Christ that's deep that's deep inside dawg so we were in there my uncle's like something's gonna go down he goes whatever you do just fucking pay attention and just do what they tell you to do I guess it was normal for those motherfuckers over there so these two guys walk in

and one of them stood in the front door and the other one was talking to the manager I don't know what the fuck they said so they exited so then they come back with fucking chopper who's mom bro he had a fucking vest on and those fools had two big ass fucking bags so they walked to each fucking table and asked us

if you guys have a camera or a cell phone fucking put it in his bag and me fucking thinking like a fucking American fuck you motherfucker but then I said no you know what fuck that I gotta listen to these dudes so I put my fucking phone in the bag

my uncle did the same thing and everybody started doing the same shit and then he walks in he walks in like the president fucking waves and he sits down he sits down and they order whatever whatever so I was still fucking kind of in shock but fuck what about something goes down

what the fuck are we gonna do so at the end of the night they take off and then they come back and he fucking took off dude they fucking back fuck like 40 minutes bro you couldn't do shit you couldn't even go to the restroom and what were you thinking those

I was fucking thinking I knew who it was but those 40 minutes like what about fucking something goes down but you know you can't do anything dude like you're being hostage and shit and then my uncle was like no it always happens like this this is how it goes down here it's cool just fucking

play along with the man that Mexico has become yeah they just killed one of the singers like this week from where we're from too they just killed them these guys they fought they do is they sing about all the shit that's going on but they just give too much fucking information and they just get blasted dude

you know I mean I mean gangsters gangsters want their story out they just don't want the details you know I mean they don't want like fucking yeah I shot this guy in here and this and that and this is what I used to kill them and shit like that I mean they want their shit out there they just don't want people fucking telling them all the details

you know what I mean they just blasted one of those dudes he was coming out of the sushi place right there and they just shot him it's amazing what's happened to Mexico it's amazing to what Mexico means to the drug trade it's the fucking you know

and they're not fucking around no more but they just snatched half that shit from the Colombians they just they're in everything they do meth they still send brown weed to the fucking states you know they still send them brown weed to the states not everybody has fucking $22

a fucking ram to buy every day you know some people fucking poor they got $7 and they want an ounce for $7 it's dirt weed it's like hustle and flow that's what they fucking smoke they're sending coke, weed

heroin, meth it's like you know it never ends with these fucking Mexicans they don't give a fuck they're saying that her sister has kids and for the girls in Mexico like it's good it's like they wish to be married to drug dealers like there's just no other way to make money

and it's like not look down upon to like marry a drug dealer listen man drug dealing is especially at that level what's going through Mexico you know this is all Miami 30 years ago now you go to Miami that's cut cocaine

you want cocaine you got to go to Texas to get a gram of blow it's fucking pure you look at the rocks it's got a picture of the fucking Chapo Guzmán every fucking rock it's just really I haven't bought coke in seven years

but I saw the trend because I used to travel across the country and I would buy coke at different places and I bought coke one time all the time I'd buy coke in Miami and it was okay once I went into Texas where it was Houston you know

those border towns I was snorting fucking electricity bro you know if you talk to Jerry LaRocca where all those guys are from Corpus there that Mexican mafia is there and they're moving shit up and that's the reality man you know and people

I love when they show you a tunnel well guess what bitch they got 80 of those you got one and you're on TV with three dudes with a suit on do you solve the mysteries of the world no you didn't they got 79 more of those motherfuckers

in fact they had one that was coming right downtown do you remember that they found when that came downtown all the way from Mexico all the way from Mexico right downtown somewhere by a bus station you know they got the fucking they got the way to fucking

keep them cool they got the way to keep oxygen down there they got the systems how to fucking run it back listen when they're businessmen those guys are as much businessmen as the CEO of fucking Disney they know if they send out eight loads

two of them are going to confiscate it that's just the cost of doing business when they're figuring out their daily take that goes into the fucking you know they already know if they have ten caves two of them are going to get caught so they're going to fucking push that coke through there

I mean it's what the city has if you think this country of Mexico makes money selling straws selling straw hats when you go to Cacoon fucking good luck they're like Columbia was I guarantee Mexico has loans at the United States

oh I'm pretty sure they do they pay their loans back by selling straw hats Viva Mexico t-shirts they should like that fuck no by selling fucking blow we got to sell them that fucking blow who gives them passageway to sell that fucking blow we do because god forbid we're getting

the way of us make getting our money back it's a fucking cold world out there man people don't believe that but it's the truth all that shit they're all cartels so there are mules they're in the United States

meals who controls that shit you think three fucking Indians put that deal together is that what you fucking think cocksucker it's fucking crazy world out there bro even the baseball player the Cuban guy

he pays Mexican mafia to fucking cross them over and he always have money and now he don't want to pay it he keeps fucking around they got security on them they know the story Major League Baseball is watching him Major League Baseball watches him

before they fucking even get to the city they go to the stadium and look and the hotel look under the bed they never know and for those fucking serpents don't fucking miss you know what I'm saying they come over here in fact the cops give them the gums at the airport

when they come over and give them the paperwork here's the final piece I had he's a fucking Sherman Oaks at the fucking Italian place eating a rib sandwich what else is going on man I've been doing it 12 years now man when did you hook up with Fluff

I hooked up with Fluff like an old six the Wild Coyotes I met him through Felipe at what level was Fluff in the old six which was basically what eight years ago he was about to blow up I remember he was doing a couple of theaters

but now he's fucking you knew he was on blow up he was doing a couple of fees but he was selling tickets he was selling doing improv still I remember we were doing Wednesday through Sundays two shows Sunday one show Monday and then them adding shows man

those were the best two years ago he was just doing it already and he was this nice guy and told me hey I think you're funny let's hook up and he's helped me ever since it's you, Martinez it's Rick Guterres

Rick Guterres Rick Guterres is part of it and Martín Moreno and Ivan Quaylar is still there with them he's the road manager and then fucking big Fluffy man that's amazing we were talking about today

what level, you know I remember taking planes with him I remember we were both getting the same money I remember doing the Laugh Factory he was always a very nice kid and he always made you smile and stuff there's nobody I like being around

I see him twice a year for ten minutes I don't want to go to his shows because I don't want him to think he's doing what you guys and drink he's got 90 people there you know what I'm saying today I had a great time with him and Martín

because I had him for an hour that's the most I'll see him but it's amazing what's happened to him he's never changed he's always looked out for me he always gives me something this came up two days ago Martín called me

he goes well he's in town I'm trying to do your podcast that's funny because Roblox is my main man pizza pizza pizza I was going to do your podcast and then it's funny how you and I hooked up

it was really weird we were both doing I got asked to do a weekend with Fluffy and Sacramento and it was you myself and who else I think Noe Wednesday and Thursday

and Fluffy was going to come up Friday, Saturday, Sunday what year was that bro yes I was still out of my mind oh seven maybe oh six oh six I was still out of my mind

yes I was oh six because Gabriel was on last comic standing yes I saw he was missing those days me and Gabriel you had to get up on Thursday morning and went to the radio and Jean was either drunk

from the night before or just crazy and he picked a fight with me and then he goes well fuck you something about Joe Rogan and we started arguing about pizza I don't even know what the fuck it was ever since that time I see you like pizza pizza

pizza pizza and then I did the show Thursday night Thursday something the weirdest no that Thursday that Thursday the weirdest fucking thing happened I got a call from Mars Jubranes manager agent at the time and he goes hey man they're looking for you for

my name is Earl right I remember and I go what the fuck are you talking about my agent now I know they can't find your agent you got an audition tomorrow at fucking 11 o'clock so I had to complain down to my name is Earl

and in those days it was quick you went in there they told you and they said call your client back and tell them we're going to fax some more sites to get to come back and you had to wait so I went back to like at four o'clock and I was embarrassed and I never called fluffy but he was mad at me for two fucking years

the whole thing plus I was mad at Jean and in those days I was still doing blow and I just wanted to avoid anything that was going to put me back in jail you can't snore coke in prison you know what I'm saying so if I had a feeling in those days

I was going to have a problem with you I just avoid you like to play so that's how we came about that's where we bonded bro I don't know what happened we went out that night after the show and we pizza pizzaed up we fucking ate we bought that pizza

at the Walgreens bro the frozen one who ate that fucking thing it was like a Lee Syat night remember it was not Walgreens bro and we took it back to the room and fucking just chilled out and just talk shit like always that's amazing

how I met all you guys individually over the years we're still together in a way too and those rooms they bonded you when you did those $40 fucking rooms those Mike Jeff Garcia's and you know I remember the fucking Monday before I got

Spider-Man 2 bro it's crazy as it seems before I got the longest yard it was Jeff who I borrowed $40 from and he gave me the rest of the cigarettes he had to go to Santa Fe to Mexico oh yeah I saw him up at Ernie G's room Ernie G used to book

what's the place up at the Universal City the rumble room no that's on Wilshire now it was the rumble room bro upstairs at the Universal City oh that's the rumble room let me tell you something how many fucking sets I did that rumble room on a Monday night

fucking 200 a year it was every Monday whether it was 3 people or 40 people Ernie G did it and you know in those days I had to get the coke in me so I had to go out and hustle so if I did 3 rooms I could make 80-90 bucks

I could buy a fucking G-Bo get a taste for 30 and I could still take home a couple dollars in those days but I had to do 3 sets Lee wake up cocksucker so I have to go out and I'd have to fucking bang it out in the morning doing sets but I tell you what Ernie always put me up

that was a good fucking room up there sometimes you went up there it was like 40 people sometimes it was 60 on a Monday and you know what that motherfucker would stand outside Lee say what you want he would fucking that's an annoying trait

to walk up to people and go hi what are you doing right now why don't you come to this comedy show it's only $7.95 that shit drives me fucking crazy that shit on the street Ernie would do it or you'd get there and look inside and go Ernie there's no fucking people

and he'd go watch this and he'd go out in that fucking thing with flyers and drink coupons and before you know it man he had 30 people in there and while the show was going on now it was contagious 10 people would walk in that time by the time you get up on stage there'd be fucking 80-90

fucking people man it's amazing the marketing this is before Myspace this is before all that shit it's just Jesus it's so different now yeah way fucking different man

it's crazy how he evolves and how everything just changes dude Jeff Garcia was the first guy that threw me up on stage where at? the Casa Latina that was the first time that was flyers room too I seen him at the ice house

I remember I was working at Old Navy I used to do their loss prevention and he had just got off stage and I seen him in the restroom and I was just talking to him and he was like hey you think you're funny give me a call I have a room and I go yeah because I want to do I want to start doing comedy

and he called me and he gave me three fucking minutes three five fucking bombs for those three minutes but I fucking did it dude that's part of the thing and it was funny because I was like if I don't have three minutes he would just stay up there

alright man you know and for the people at home that they're probably listening you're like three minutes Jesus Christ three minutes the first four times on stage seems like three hours you wouldn't fucking even dream of it well

if I put you right now if I said ready Lee three minutes click you look at me and go Joey come on I could do this with my eyes closed no you couldn't 100 people staring at you and the lights are hot and your adrenaline's up you won't think of shit

it's like when I first started jujitsu once you got me on my back I was done because I was too busy breathing freaking out about the situation on my back your mind is telling you to freak out but once you it's the same thing with the stage you're funny when you're in a corner

you know if I go to drink water and you come over to the thing and go hey man what's up oh my god yeah and then we start goofing on I could be funny that changes completely when there's light time and there's 150 eyeballs looking at you

and I've seen it a thousand times I've seen people I know people who say there's a big difference between people who say inside that I'm funny and that guy on TV I could do it and then there's other brand of people

who just tell a lot loud I went to acting class with this jerk off years ago big time jerk off from the East Coast, New York, New Jersey and one night he's like hey man I want to come down to the club and watch you do comedy and he came down he's like that was amazing but you know what

I think I'm funny in you and I'm looking at this guy and about a month later he calls me he's like hey man that's the way I saw you that night I got on stage and I'm doing a showcase and I think I'm going to a place thing in Montreal and he goes see this he goes I knew it, I knew it

you were wasting your time you've been doing comedy for ten years this guy was telling me this he goes I did it three days and already I'm going to a festival I'm thinking of getting there I'm not fucking kidding you I never heard from a guy for about two months

and I called him and he looked at me on the phone he goes let me tell you something that is the hardest fucking business that you do four more times what a bunch of bullshithers the guy told me I was going to go to Montreal and they came down and they told me I was no good

and it's a fucking battle in the beginning and that level that's why I see these guys still and my dick gets hard because I fucking know how hard it is man especially out here especially back then bro doing the Felipe's rooms

I remember fucking Felipe used to throw you up on stage back then I would only have ten minutes and that fucking if Felipe would never light you Felipe would go out he would blaze you had to do what he had to do he would never light you so you're up on stage you're supposed to do ten and then

you're up there you look at your watch you go fuck I've been there for twenty minutes and Felipe will leave you up there dude that's how you learn that's how you learn back then those were amazing let me tell you something everybody knew that when you went to walk I only after two comedians you were dead

but I loved when you went to Wild Coyotes and people would show up with cameras to tape a set you know with three guys this is a Montreal set and you wouldn't even say nothing to them you wouldn't even say nothing to them like you're wasting your time

don't even put the camera in fact put it back in the car and tell those guys to go home because somebody might fucking steal it that's how fucking bad Wild Coyote was you were just going up there yeah once Willie got off you were just going up to the lip sync

there was nothing left in that room Willie remember Willie would fucking do an hour do an hour up there bring chicks up there fucking show them the tits Lee wake up how can you be rolling your eyes like this get up do a jumping jack put the air on something

I can't reach the air jump up get on the table jump up and down look at this shit you can't be this high we still gotta go out we're going to Denny's we're gonna get a milkshake I already had a milkshake when before you got here

so you went to In-N-Out you had the wings and you had the sandwich I got the shake what type of shake large or small do you got a window that you drive through the window look at the shape of you cock sucker what am I gonna do with you

I don't know that's it no more cookies for you how many times did you take that cookie bro I don't know 4,3,3,3 you could have taken that 3 they would have wore off by now but he cried till 3,30

he took little bites he was taking little bites he's fucking Jewish it was like the heart of Jesus that's how you bite it like a half a fruitcake he was taking little bites and like bite that motherfucker something burning

as we speak in your mind we get the black people outside the other building and now there's a fire in this fucking building I can't fucking win now the fucking fire friday can't come through because of the way your parked bro we're all gonna fucking die

now the funniest thing about fluffy you know listen when I came up Carl was gonna see it was the hot property and then it was Pablo the next big thing then it was Jeff Garcia had a deal

then it was nobody really looked that fluffy nobody really looked that fluffy and he just took off from a comics point of view and listen man I could tell you Lee knows I've never had a problem with fluffy

you know that I've never ever said anything I knew from the beginning I knew where his heart was and he had some beauties from the beginning and I think their child is jealous you know what she's really got in a way but it's amazing

I'm not surprised he has a concert film coming out and you guys are part of it I mean to see you guys together on the road is brilliant and you know what I'm talking about Gabriel he tells you straight up

he goes I don't want no drama between anybody I just want everybody to be cool I don't want and everybody just goes with that he's just a nice guy he helps you out as much as you can he put me on stand up revolution season 3 season 2 and season 1

I'm the only comic that's been in all the seasons he put me on his DVD the loha fluffy and he put me in his fucking movie and he's gonna help me do a special so I mean the fuck he's helping me out a lot Gabriel is one of the nicest guys

I work for him he's dude I see the way he treats his fans and I see the way he treats everybody he's just a nice guy some people have it I can't be like him I'm not a nice dude like him

I'm a nice way in another way that's why I'm more power to him listen man I was minding my own business my phone rang it was martin Moreno my heart stopped my heart stopped

here's the guy that's doing the tonight show and what's Craig whatever what's he doing he's doing all of them to promote that movie and he took 20 minutes out of his day an hour doing my podcast I don't have a fucking sensational podcast

this is just two fucking guys talking shit this isn't you know you might get a life lesson out of here you're not gonna get nothing you know what I'm saying let's listen man in this life and in this business especially people who always said to me

bro this guy called Jim beating it like when Jim Jeffries had the show they called me and I didn't get the show I would never be mad at Jim Jeffries in fact I'm happy he called me and Steve Byrne called me two weeks ago for this fucking show I was too young okay

it's the people who don't call you who don't think about you it would mean nothing to me I would go in there and knock it out of the park that means I have to be better than everybody else so the two people that they wanted I gotta go fuck them up but it's amazing how

he treats you guys on the road how you guys get along I mean things have changed now because he's trying to get in shape it's not the old days where you guys went out to a restaurant and shut the fucking wing down 50 fucking tacos Lee you would die

one night after San Jose we went to that Mexican place around the corner next to our zoo car and we sat in the back and they brought salsa and chips and cheeses and fucking burritos and brain and pig eyeballs

and it was just I had to fucking excuse myself get the fuck out of it these guys were eating like they were going to the chair the next morning that was every day bro that was every day three meals a day you know they wake up at 2 they meet at 3.30

they eat till 5 and they go to the club they eat again in between shows and then right after the fucking 2 hours of signing and 3 or 4 taking pictures they go take a wing from a fucking diner and go bring it you know George was telling me about chance dragging in

when you guys went in Jersey to a Chinese restaurant with George he goes they had fucking everything on that menu Mosho Choo Choo Choo Ri they had everybody on that motherfucker that's how you do it

and you know what man when you go out like that I wish I made that type of money that could go out as a family not with my wife and my daughter but as a family with you and three fucking feature acts and fucking a fucking manager to count the genus

a bus driver and another guy just to control just to roll joints and play the fucking music pick something you know what I'm saying and if we're out of batteries you'll pick up a guitar and sing a fucking concerto you understand me Lee I'm never fucking with you again

fucking Lee man no more cookies no more nothing for you look at the shape of you I can't take you nowhere you look handsome today you got barbecue on your shirt blue cheese on my shirt

your face so I was going to ask Gabriel but I got too high and I wanted to ask him like I was thinking about it last night ask me bro well it's both of you guys but when you told me it was going to be honest I was like alright let me think I have a question

and like there's some comedians out there who have like how Gabriel makes the noises sometimes they have that kind of aspect to their act but a lot of comics and all people don't respect them but like somehow like Gabriel people don't seem to be mad about it there's a bunch of like really active

loud comedians who people are like oh that's not real comedy but Gabriel seems to they seem to respect Gabriel you know what dude you're going to get haters no matter what type of comedy you do I still do tell a lot of one-liners and people hate on that that's old style comedy

why are you doing that and they're always going to pick something dude Gabriel is just a nice guy he's on top so they're going to look for anything it seems like they don't really mess with Gabriel I mean do they? it seems like most people that talked about him love him I never really heard nothing but listen if you go up there with a guitar

people break your balls but nobody's ever busted Pablo's balls no look at him nobody's ever busted Gabriel's balls really you know he does what he does he does it well I was thinking more along the line I'm a huge fan but more of the line people

hate on Dean Cooke like that sort of thing well it's a different style of comedy it's different but it has some of the aspects I've heard people say bad things about Dean Cooke you could kind of relate to what Gabriel does just the noises and just the way he does it

and it's not exactly the same but it was just interesting and I love Gabriel too but it was just like what I wonder where the difference lies like I said dude, Dean Cooke was hot and everybody hated on him because he was doing a lot of shit that sucks it seems to be like happy for you

Mexicans are never happy bro it's amazing nobody's ever going to be happy somebody's going to feel that they got you started somebody's going to feel that they gave you three jokes all of a sudden you're finding out that Joe Diaz is mad at you

he said he gave you a joke when neither of them died and you don't return his calls and you sit there and go what are you talking about it's like a guy told me once about Regan Lafini God rest his soul he goes I used to party with Regan Lafini

and he went to his thing and we shot a movie together and like three days later he came back with a stack of pictures of him and Regan Lafini and all these people up for weekends this was years before he got the Sopranos and he said he still remembers when Regan Lafini got the Sopranos calling

and he went and got this pilot about a mob boss it's not going to get picked up he goes season two when the show was ahead he called up Regan Lafini at the old numbing he took like a week to call him back

and he goes listen bro I know what you want you want an audition for the show I don't control that he goes listen what happened between you and me it was a long time ago wrap it up and let's move on I love you take care of yourself shit like that

and there's people who around in this career you you got their fucking back and that means let me tell you something this thing is tough to do by yourself real tough bro it's tough when you have friends it's tough when you have people that care for you

or other people that care for you comics are always gonna fucking hate bro comics are always gonna hate something about you listen I may not like a comic but if I think he's funny he's funny right yeah me too there's some guys I hate that comic

I hate them but there's a lot of guys I don't like them but their fucking comic is superb but I hang out with them fuck no I don't want to hang out with them I don't want to hang out with me I don't want to fucking hang out with me look what Gabriel did with Stand Up Revolution you know Tommy Chun

he takes care that's the most important people what is the fucking thing of this podcast to make somebody's day Gabriel didn't have to give me a million dollars to make my day I said I want to do the podcast made my day made your day Al Robles made my fucking day

every time I see Al he says something to me Nick Diaz bro Nick Diaz Anderson Silva what do you think you hear about that fight that's who they're gonna put up Blee if you close your eyes one more time I will fucking stab you to death what are you gonna do Lee we still gotta go out

we're not going nowhere we're going out we're gonna fucking go to Ha Ha and have some laps when you drink a couple of sodas we'll get you all decaffeinated up and that's it so what are you thinking of shooting this special with my brother I don't have a date yet

Gabriel is working with me still so let's see what's up man and where are you living now I live in Eagle Rock you got a girl now no you've been single for how long been single for two years

two years but you got different women that come into your life you tie them up and you rub sauce on your fucking asshole and you take it for a fucking hoop going to a dirty bastard what are you giggling about cuckuck get up throw the chair away you gotta stand up that's pretty sure

you gotta get some energy look at you you're like a fucking mook with no energy you need to stost around you need fucking everything if you stand up we'll get you some Mexican food you gotta be hungry look at you every time you close your eyes two tacos with onions

you're just waiting for some fucking green sauce I don't like the Cebolla you don't like Cebolla? not too much I know that taco spot used to take us right there by the hop on Lakewood which one I take you to there was one like around the corner on Lakewood

we used to always go after the hop I don't know but you used to take us this is a spot right here I love tacos simple tacos I don't like fucking drama say what you want to say bro King taco is involvement right

Mexicans get pissed at you King taco ain't shit fuck you bitch I live in a valley King taco shit King taco is them you ever go to King taco no I don't know what that is you should go on the 5 right it's on the 5 you should stop I'm never on the 5

well make it your business to get on the fucking 5 you're always on the 405 what's the difference the 405 it's on the different side of the hill what's the difference yeah well thank you there mr fucking GPS I didn't know this shit you know what I'm saying

what else my brother tell me something good what's next in the fucking in the whole thing what have you been learning lately what have you been seeing what do you want to do what's your next move acting bro you really want to get into the acting side of it a little bit just fucking trying to lose weight trying to get

you know what I mean okay what do you want to do say anything man I just want to move up trying to evolve as a comic trying to do everything but just trying to get my feet wet and everything it's really interesting you know what I mean you want to sell you you got some ideas for a video network

a little bit a little bit it's amazing about Christelle Alonzo oh yeah dude I remember when she used to answer the phone at the improv Addison right I would go over and torture her see if I can fucking get a blow job or something

she's a great lady she's a great lady I've known her for 15 years easy easy 15 to 16 years she was a fucking kid man when I saw that pilot I got to tell you it brought tears in my eyes and for the same reason I was telling Joe

before that you know they give all these fucking people you know you got a Montreal Comedy Central like shit they take some kid that's not funny at all not fucking funny at all he has six minutes and ten people are behind them and they give this kid $250,000

they put on the Tonight Show they put on all these fucking things you know what let's face it you're not fucking ready when you do a comedy five years so you play the games you cash the check and they give you a check happily they give it to you like hahaha

it's $250,000 we think it was so talented oh my god and then you take and they hook you up on a ride and the rider calls up and says that kid's a fucking fucking stiff you know why he's a stiff because before we wrote the thing his head's already big a comic his head don't this is just

another day in a life they gave me a check then they realize his Tonight Show blows you know and they just realize the kid blows in general he's a good comic and he will be a good comic not today maybe in 15 fucking years but then you get a guy like yourself because I know it's petitioning

you for like Montreal or Comedy Central something like that you're gonna go like yourself Jerry Roche Jerry Roche got an hour yeah he did on Comedy Central I don't know if it's on Comedy Central oh it's on Nouveau Nouveau and Netflix you know I mean everybody

put that fucking phone away I want you to focus everybody gets their time you know but again you get these people and you see them and you know that you're spread you know that you're covered you've been on the road with Fluffy for six years you've done theaters you've done clubs you've done

you've been in the front of every fucking scenario and they won't even let you go to fucking first base but they get this kid because some guy at CAA says he's good or somebody gives him the fucking world and the guy ends up fucking blowing Cristela Lanza they even want to give him money

they didn't want to give him money we'll give her like this Puerto Rican deal we'll give her $6,000 up front we'll give her another six if she makes it to the store we'll give her and then look her show got put on the fucking air you know and I didn't I forgot all about that they were gonna shoot a Kevin Hart pilot

Kevin Hart's fucking pilot listen it's hysterical when comics come up to me and they go hey man I shot the Jay Leno pilot this year fuck I'm gonna rock you know what the network behind closed doors they go let me ask you something you want to deal with Jay Leno

no you want to deal with Jay Leno no we don't give a fucking Jesus in the fucking show they don't want to do that you're too smart they don't want to argue they don't want you to call me and go I looked at the script you took the scene of me fucking the donkey why because

it's fucking network television you know how you don't have to do it now you gotta interview with these people gotta go back and fucking forth with these people they want to get the guy like me and Lee who are hungry who are they gonna say hey remove that sheet from your script and Lee's gonna say yes sir that's what they want

that's why whenever they have these big names that you know this is what's fucking fucking mess you just ate a burp that was so disgusting I could tell because your left eye got so fucking big it's like you did a blast on the left side you didn't have enough

for your right side look at the show how bad was that burp you just inhaled and it went out of your mouth and went back in when I caught you you looked at me and you inhaled that motherfucker then your lip sealed like she was farting or something like that disgusting but anyway man I'm just happy that you know

you're still plugging along I'm happy that you're in the fucking game you know I'm happy that you're working one of the best you're gonna be one of the best concert films of the year you know hopefully last year was Kevin Hart's year this year's Fluffy's year and he's earned every fucking year

you know he's earned everything man that guy is uh he works he has a good work ethic and he kept it together and now he's adjusting he knows it's gonna be long he's losing weight you know and that that's what it's all fucking about

at the end of the day and he's taking the fucking great care of you guys so there you guys go after this now it's your turn to fucking blossom 42 what is it 42 or 45 weeks out of the year that we're working with him are you serious yeah we have a fucking tour bus so fuck

he's non-stop bro he's non-stop on the tour bus you sleep in the bus I sleep on the bus that's disgusting yeah it is that's really disgusting people shit in the bathroom no you can't shit there so what do you shit you have below you gotta wait until they fucking put gas

or you gotta wait till fucking we're to our next destination they just gotta hold it bro I mean nights you sleep on the bus I told you though that bus shit fuck you I only joined the band I joined the monkeys it depends like I mean

when we get where you work Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday and you have a you have a choice to fly home but I mean the fucking flights are expensive so you stay on the bus so you stay on the bus Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and then you meet up with Gabriel Gabriel flies home you know I mean and that bus is shaking people

people fucking their shoes is there food on the bus there's food on the bus it's a TV there's a TV there's a TV in the front and there's a TV in every bunk really yeah you can watch what you want you can watch TV TV TV you can do whatever you want no you gotta wait until like we hit a

hotel and you brush your teeth you can you can brush your teeth yes you can no you can you can no cigarettes but weed you can just straight up weed no cigars no cigars no nothing oh you can speak but blunt but I mean weed is cool

we got a bus Lee's gonna be the bus driver he wants to be a driver I thought about that we're gonna give you that position and if you can't hold it bro you get a trash bag and you go to the restroom and you shit and you just fucking throw it out oh no get up that's it throw away the chair leave you on your feet Lee look at you

you're a young man you act like you're 90 fucking years old cock sucker you ate a half a little edible 10 milligrams 100 milligrams you didn't even know 100 fucking milligrams look at them they're awesome my time you know Al it's amazing because you see

you you I've been here 17 years so I learned the system you see these guys they come to town they're the hot thing around their town or they're on the road with somebody and they come to town and the percentages are you don't fucking see them you see them for a while

then when they disappear they're one that they Facebook you and they're like hey man I'm back in San Antonio remember me you come to town can I open feeling like what the fuck happened to that dude that dude was around all the time you know you see so many people

it's something you're an asshole or a scumbag you see so many fucking people you know if you go out to do comedy three nights a week you're gonna see 70 people you know at least especially if they're loose comedy rooms you're gonna see 10 comics in every fucking room that's 30 comics a night

let's say you go out four nights it's 120 that's 30 times four yeah 120 fucking comics a week you know people gonna slip through the fucking thing you know oh my god what happened to that fucking guy but to see you to see

Martin right I was telling the story I met Martin I went to do a room and Martin was hosting and he got into an argument with a soldier and when I was on stage he went outside fought the soldier then came back and closed the show you know I met these guys on the combat

fucking condition you know like I was saying you don't want people to think that we work man there's a struggle fucking period where we fucking starve you fucking starve you know and I had a cocaine problem so I was starving and I wanted to get high and I want to smoke cigarettes and get my dick sucked

you have all these vices that you have to make work and it's just amazing that we're still here today Martin asked the question like why I was like why I mean you didn't grow up with no mansion you know your family and have a ton of money you could have done you could have been a cop but

you have flat feet you struck the bitch well that was Martin that had flat feet that's what he did yeah you got kicked out of the military but it's amazing how you end up here especially as a comedian you never think so now I was walking here I was walking to the car my wife parked around the corner

and I was looking at the palm trees and I remembered one of my first jobs out of high school made my second a third job it was a hardware store and I worked for George Murad he was the first Arab I ever knew he ate hummus too I didn't like him but his father

his father worked there and his sister worked there and we used to call his father George Murad on the Bahama Sound and you know what I had a good job there bro I was still been there do you know what I'm saying like today I was still been there they were nice people and I used to

he used to make me prep the deliveries and I would put extra shit in the deliveries like let's say he would say you know put I get to you all there'd be a drill a hammer I put three drills and a hammer then I make the delivery and sell the drills that afternoon and one

day somebody somebody gave me a checkbook well I took a check somebody gave me a checkbook asked me if I could sell checks I said I knew a guy that could call him and give you 80% I gave the guy the checkbook he got caught and gave him my name so the fucking funny thing was I met the guy

outside the bank they had a picture of the fucking van so that's how they got me they went back and went to George Murad and George Murad said that's my driver and I remember as it was pulling me away the cops he said Joey I gotta tell you something I've been here for 20 years you're the best employee I ever had

you would have made it in there I never went back and apologized that guy I never even went back he believed me Lee look at the shape of your sweating oh my fucking god and you think about how at that moment when they were putting me in that police car my first arrest I think it was

June 28th 1983 I thought my life was over 31 years ago when you were getting fired off the police force you thought it was it that's it bro that's it I'm gonna be against it because I can't get a job now everybody's gonna know I got fired from the police

so this is never gonna fucking happen for me it really is amazing guys how when you think you're fucking down you still got so much left man I could have given up in my mind you know what I got I got a fucking possession of theft whatever it was

that's it I might as well take this life and I did for a little while but I realized and so did you but after you stopped that bro you said fuck it I'm done now I'm fucking done the crazy part I remember I didn't know how to tell my mom that I got kicked out so for an extra month

I still dressed up like I was going to the fucking academy and I went to the mall and somebody saw me there and they called my mom they're like oh where's Alfredo and this and that like oh he's in the academy oh you see them at the mall so I came back I put my uniform back on and sat me down and she says what's going on

and I had a teller right there bro that was my thing right there I was always scared of my mom dude I always lied to her cause I was like I didn't really want to lie to her I just didn't want to tell her the truth I didn't tell her I got kicked out till I got caught I remember my graduation from high school dude

I remember not graduating with my class I graduated after and I didn't know how to tell my mom and I remember my whole family fucking came from Mexico they fucking flew in what's that check this out so everybody flew in fucking from Mexico we're here for your graduation

and I remember I told my mom to fucking buy my cap and gown so I was I'm already fucking balls in I gotta fucking do this shit dude and I remember my counselor telling me you can march with your class but you can't go up on stage and receive your diploma cause there's no fucking diploma for you you gotta come to summer school and get it

now the fucking I'll still fucking play this fucking role dude so I fucking my whole family went fucking bought a camera they wanted my graduation I was fucking waving at them and had to go around the stage bro they didn't call my name the fucking they called that guy in front of me

and had to go around the fucking stage and they think you got your diploma they didn't see me on stage and they're like why can't you fucking tell us cause I was scared I was fucking scared of you lady you know what I mean but I took it that fucking deep dude not to tell my mom and fucking family flew in from Mexico

thinking I was gonna graduate fucking bought a camera and record that fucking Alpha's graduation and nothing look at the fucking this fucking multadella way look at the shape of you that's it dawg it's over for you over there sweating

confused this little shit you look good dawg you're back you ready to get a milkshake in that cocksack no yes you are what can you go for right now it's time to go home now pack this fucking guy dawg

that's all he does is pack he got a single bedroom he sold half his shit and he still has the balls to tell me he's been packing for fucking four days his beauty look at him leek get up get up throw the chair away I need some blood in those legs

you're too young you're too young how old are you leek 25 how old are you tell this fucking dude what you were doing at 25 fuck dude getting up stages fucking three stages a day going up air driving from LA

to Ontario to Montabello just looking for spots not getting paid bro not getting paid not getting paid what do you mean wild cocksucker and I remember back then dude and if you weren't even doing comedy you had a fucking hangout bro that's how you network back then hangout they would let everybody see your face

remember those days dawg you would go out at 8 o'clock I would leave my house at 7.15, 7.30 and you just went to different fucking places it's amazing how many it's amazing how you brought up a few names

these guys brought up a few names sometimes you're driving to it somewhere else and you remember the exit and you go oh my god that's where that place used to be I remember fucking going to West Covina 40 minutes back and Chino there was a room on Sunday nights in Chino

that paid $75 that's gas today it's 50 to go to Chino and back and gas today that's off the fucking 60 it's amazing dawg it's amazing that I learned how to fucking navigate myself through LA from the rooms it started with Rudy

you know Hambert the brave bull it just went to everywhere else man listen man I'm happy I got to get you on there I wanted to show people that you're a bad motherfucking to follow you thank you man when you're taking good care of me and you're coming out in the movie July 11 July 11

and what's it going up again what are the movies coming out that week I think that Planet of the Apes was part 2 or something like that that's all I know it'll be fucking deep it'll be good man and thank you for having me bro I'm a big fan and if I can love you dawg

pizza pizza one of the realest guys around Joey fucking Diaz every time I see this guy he puts a smile on my face man listen when I go out sometimes like you've heard all the stories you hear all this shit and then you go out and you see these guys like how you doing

and they start telling you about what they did and what they're doing when I see you out it's just chill it's just a joke or two bro what do you think about this fight bro they tells me a Mexican mafia story my dick gets hard that's it where'd he go I don't know he was here he left you going out with us tonight

no you're going out with us okay this party's stopping you're not going anywhere I'm going to the house you're going home I'm not I got nothing to do what am I gonna do I told him I'm going to the house I'm gonna go meet Al gonna do a spot let's go to the house what are you gonna do go home

and do what back off stop being high you know what you're never gonna stop being high oh don't say that I gave you the deck of dose you're going deep plus you're gonna eat another half a cookie no before we get off let me give a shout out to my fucking sponsors you know what I don't know when this one's gonna air sometime next week

well let me give a shout out to Onit one of the best fucking sponsors out there honest to God because their products work I wouldn't have somebody on this podcast if they suck dick I love Onit I love from the shroom tech I love the strong bone the alpha brain is just tremendous

they got a money back guarantee that every time I go on their web page I see something else on there which lets me know they're working they're always innovative go to Onit.com I think they're offering 10% off you press what in the box Lee? church

church C-H-U-R-C-H get 10% off get on the list and also have the stay Onit program with them mail it directly to you at the house on the first of the month also a big round of applause for Dollar Shave Club one of the best fucking people out there don't forget about Father's Day

on Dollar Shave Club they got gift cards go to myjoeydeers.net go to Dollar Shave Club box and press church C-H-U-R-C-H and get the deal of a lifetime for razors no more going to fucking stores and standing on line

you know the average month of razors cost you like 11 fucking 12 20 fucking dollars you know how much it cost you with Dollar Shave Club how about one dollar six dollars and nine dollars get that again you're like Joe you bullshit me that's right motherfucker what you would spend in four months

and razors I'll fucking save you in a year even if you get the nine dollar plan because nine times twelve is what Leigh are you fucking kidding me it don't matter if somewhere over there do the math yourself we ain't no fucking calculator here

go to Dollar Shave Club they got braids dependable they last forever that's what I use I've got one ingrown hair this fucking year that's tremendous they also have the fucking wipes your ass smells like peppermint they have the pre-dough the shaving cream

which stops the fucking buffing on your face they got everything go to Dollar Shave Club go to the boxing press church ban if I tell you once I tell you a million times there's nothing like huluplus.com with the emphasis on plus they ain't fucking around no more

they got tremendous shows what kind of shows they got modern family what else they got on there they got new shows they got the Natalie shows with the tonight show and Letterman and any device you got any device Roku, Chin Tu Wangku, iPad you're not naming devices

I'm just fucking around I think those are some of the Chinese food dishes you were talking about earlier what's the fucking what's the Wangku, Monju Roku, Apple TV I'm back Joey Playstation pretty much any streaming device you fucking own it took an hour and a half but I'm back

shut the fuck up bitch you got huluplus.com that's how we roll go to huluplus.com and go there and press on what Joey because huluplus is so much more you fucking Joey get shows like modern family the daily show and scandal on the fucking on

you got Nashville laws you can binge watch them you can do whatever the fuck you watch go to huluplus.com sign up today you get two weeks for free and $7.99 a month what's the code Joey and also I'd like to give a shout out to one of the best

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they got residential tanks go fucking install it you got somebody to install it you just want to send out the tanks go out there look at that you're going to save thousands per tank anybody else got these tanks with pre 4g's more not escapepodtank.com go to escapepodtank

and press in just mention fucking Joey Diaz, Jews, sandals, fucking Al hummus and you get $250 off and with that you can save money somebody come over the house and install it for you

I got cotton mouth we saw each other at the ice house the other night ah sweet playa you're back me is back it's about time let's finish it over I got here I'm here what's going on are you ready for another one

no thank you thank you for giving us another week of the church thank you very much for staying up late and watching us tonight a little thanks for my man Al Robes you know I love you to all my heart bad motherfucker look for him in the fluffy movie coming out July 11th and also to my main man

Lisa Al one of the baddest fucking Jews out there he came to a realization his grandmother was in a fucking camp for three weeks suffering so you could be an American cock sucker that is not what you said that is not what you said

I know Donald Sterling no I'm fucking not I'm gonna love it if you came on and started saying shit I love the Jews you know that I just tell you how it is your grandmother suffering there for you not to eat animals you gotta get it together you're slipping I offer you an edible

you gotta say yes Captain Kirk you want to hit on this pen before you leave no Captain Kirk this is tremendous oh dude I was so high I was like falling asleep back there it's like a little cozy home here how can you be fucking huh you're the man with the power you get more booty calls 15 after every hour

that'd be nice read what you gotta read let's get the fuck out of here what the fuck now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands if it shows thousands anytime anywhere on your tv pc smart phone or tablet

support this podcast against an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydus.net huluplus banner don't forget to sign up for a dollar shaped club get high quality razor sensory door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail

now go to dollar shaped club dot com forward slash church or just go to joeydus.net and click on the dollar shaped club banner and again thank you to skatepodtank.com go there and get money off of a sensory deprivation tank boom I need it music

music music music music music music music music

music music music music music music music music

music music music music music You won't have to follow me Only you can set me free Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I don't think you need to be I'm a smiling face on your TV Oh, I'm a cult of personality I exploit you Still you love me I tell you what it makes three Oh, I'm a cult of personality Like Joseph Stalin

And Ali Oh, I'm a cult of personality A cult of personality A cult of personality A cult of personality A cult of personality We are lies No one can cross

When a leader speaks That leader dies You won't have to follow me Only you can set me free There will never be a chance Oh, oh, oh, oh You gave me fortune You gave me fire

You gave me power Give me your God's name I'm in a place where you need to be Oh, I'm a cult of personality I'm a cult of personality Knock what your country can do for you Thank you