Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #185 - Joey Diaz, Ms. Pat and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian, the hilarious Miss Pat. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 06/08/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get a high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and again thank you to the longest running church member on it.com. Go there and get AppleBrain uh uh SwimTech Immune SwimTech Sport anything you want use promo code church and thank you to escapepodtank.com they

have all your sensory deprivation tanks they're already going to save you thousands but if you mention the church what's happening now or joey Diaz or miss pat you're going to save an additional 250 dollars off. Oh shit are you fucking kidding me or what I just feel them my fucking bones it's the church of what's happened now special edition june 8th 2014 the day the devil was fucking torture to see they took his eyeball out fuck that cock sucker whatly play that motherfucker fuck with joey what wiggle wiggle cock sucker slow down come on baby whoop this is the real shit right here it did fuck game of thrones here you go right here here you go fuck game of thrones listen to this shit you think this guy's not ready to sling dick on a sunday listen to

that fucking saxophone oh shit this guy shows up balls ass naked with a saxophone listen to him you money what what Lee oh shit oh shit this is a fucking jam and a half man I was a kid when this fucking thing came on my mom used to play this in the bar at night mother fuckers would go crazy she's mixing like Spanish music they would go fucking bananas more so much more so much what the fuck turn that shit off leave more so much what the fuck does that mean I don't care sunday night we're here lisa yad and my girl miss pat you mother fuckers one of it there you go you got that's how we drop it here miss pat don't fuck around she got freaking flying miles she said fuck it i'll sit in the back of united playing these peanuts like a motherfucker i got a pad and

fucking glasses i work this motherfucker i ain't no penis i got diabetes really no yeah them things don't they too salty you ain't never ate a penis i eat peanuts but i don't have diabetes oh i thought you say penis no peanuts oh okay okay oh i eat peanuts i don't eat peanuts i would never disrespect you like that oh okay i don't eat no peanuts it's a pleasure maybe when i was in the seventh grade but not now no no mama cool mama so what's up most of my my main man lisa yad the flying jew looking yeah smoking cokeyless tac clean oh i watched the video back of alpha robles oh you look fucked up you look fucked up you can't keep doing this no more leave yourself you gotta go rehab you had my favorite tweet of probably the century today what's that when you went off about people

sending you pictures of hummus oh it's a nightmare i don't want to see that shit i don't like coming but see it's a payback it's karma karma's a motherfucker when i was a kid there was a dude i used to roam with he hated the smell of vinegar he would fucking go crazy if you smell vinegar what we do we take a piece of paper put vinegar and put in like six different locations in his office this motherfucker would come and go there's vinegar in here and he would run out getting this car and go home he would miss work somebody put vinegar in there i'm not coming back so they send the fucking clean lady he would lose his mind i was the king of that shit and he hated cocaine so if we didn't have vinegar we get cocaine packets and put like a fishing line on it

and put it in front of him like play with it and he would lose his fucking mind or put aspirin and make believe it was fake and he'd open it up and drive him crazy who's doing coke around here who the fuck is doing coke around here i'll fire everybody he was the boss yeah his name is Wayne means cool motherfucker so he didn't like cocaine and clean vaginas no he didn't like cocaine he was an ex bike he was a biker and he was a very interesting dude he was a biker in the winter time and in the summertime he'd come back and he'd be a father and he hooked up with his wife for six months then for six months he broke back mountain no he was a fucking real hardcore biker dog like with a fucking troop that ran speed or something because he made money those six months

he did something those six months he had to do something leaving and come back in six months he was white right yeah we don't give a fuck what if all men's gone six months you're gonna get a warrant taken out on you child support or something so you're fucked you better sell dope and come home like a regular job unless you're in jail you gotta show up and shift for dinner fuck yeah what's happening miss pattern nothing thank you for having me no listen man it was a popular demand and sometimes you gotta get the people what they want people always tweet me once and twice i put this guy on and whatever once i saw you i'm like that's my girl we gotta put something together i know you're all the way in indy i would have sounded leader

for you in atlanta i'm in i'm in indy oh you're in indy and shit how far from are you in indiana uh-huh i'm right outside by the airport i always want to go back to indian and shit when i was again i want to move to monti i swear to god i want to be like michael jackson then michael ain't from months he's from gary gary same shit a different smell you know what i'm saying no gary they kill your ass fuck yeah fuck yeah you need to pull up the cry rate this is still bad i've never been to gary all your life room is it that bad i've only been in indy seven years with my husband's job so i don't i go to airport home i don't fuck with indy okay i mean not i the city is very supportive of what i do i just don't i don't get around it i want to go home from atlanta so that's

where i'd rather be i imagine that is very nice it's a lot to do you've been through chocolate city no no i you would sling big they can ate you know what i'm saying when i first graduated college i was thinking about going there cuz cnn's there i was thinking about cuz i didn't i didn't really like la the first time i was here you was gonna go cuz cnn was there not not to get late well that's okay he likes his sister's no oh yeah my my girl you like the sister's right before i moved out here i was here with a one for a year and a half and i was gonna move there he's he said he was with one yeah well i don't know i can't say sister you can't say fucking sister sounds weird coming it's better than saying color girl yeah well she was black yeah you like black

women it's i'm i'm jewish i i and right now i'm getting a mexican girl i just anything that's different from my mom basically as far away as you can get i'm fucked you up no i love her it's just he just don't want jewish women he don't mingle well with jewish women that's what my daughter said my daughter is gay she's a any bitch is different than you so she went out and got one it looked like robin thick yeah oh yeah i mean it's just a white girl yeah she got a white girl look just like robin thick i like her too it's amazing it's amazing what's going on in society yeah my daughter just go home and tell your mom 30 years ago that you were gay no but you know what i think is something in the water these days when your child is gay they drink it and they just glow

i'm gay because i knew my daughter was gay a long fucking time did you you know yeah you can you can tell how old when she was gay how old did you know how old was probably about 11 10 or 11 because everybody else you know i raised my sister kid so everybody else was trying to get fucked she was trying to read a book so i'm like why aren't she trying to get fucked i don't let them well i was fucking at 11 but you know how girls start to feel they sell this real they sell you don't like him boy she never had that interest so we kind of knew she was gay plus my mother-in-law who's really really christian she said she told me one day she was like we was over a house for a cookout she was like this child got a gay spirit on i was like fuck you what the fuck is a gay spirit

but she was right she was right yeah but she's happy so whatever make you happy you know that's your kid yeah if you if you're happy hey if eating clicks make you happy eat the click fuck it let's lick that motherfucker my cool mom my cool side what's so fucked up is because we look just alike and i'd be like why don't you be doing that to my face i bet you my my my face have seen mo pussy because i ain't seen my pussy my 15 years well my my face on her body i've seen mo pussy than anything but she like licking it she she lost her teeth behind bad pussy then she got them feets so now she got great teeth she can take them out do a thing put them back that is fucking crazy this i love it i love it it's a perfect sunday night fucking shit i don't want to bite

this cookie at death tonight no god you're right yes i'm fine you bought what kind of cookies you get no i'm just tea i got these medical marijuana cookies that lead on like well it's because they fuck him up everybody else has a little bit he just you don't you don't listen to doses it'd be like if you took the entire bottle of viking after a surgery just like took the entire bottle i take care you're you can't give him that kind of stuff that doesn't mess up i don't give him viking i give him medical marijuana cookie he loves it who you kidding the giggles and shit last he was giggling at stupid fucking jokes or whatever so you have a child now at 16 and 114 yeah they live yeah two at home they know what you do yeah they know what i did at that day in every moment of it

yeah because i'll be out talking about they fat asses you don't talk about your kids i'll talk about my kid she's fucking 17 months old today what am i gonna say about this you fucking uh is this savage she is a fucking savage oh well i have oh you just had a baby i'm 51 yeah why you wait so fucking long you supposed to do that in elementary school and get it out the way i've been with her since uh you know 2099 nothing never happened two years ago boom she got pregnant fuck how did she it's 44 now she was 42 right before the thing about the clothes down she get pregnant holy fuck i know she had to be pissed off no she's she's a different woman is this the first baby for her yeah oh yeah people happy about their first

child she's in fucking heaven she's a different woman are y'all gonna do it again i'm 51 i can't barely do i gotta i gotta do other things right now i gotta take care of this you can barely have sex or you can barely get somebody pregnant i don't want to get nobody pregnant yeah that's it this is a lot of work at 51 dog yeah that's why i had mines in elementary yeah this is yeah no no no because you don't have the patience to hear that shit around you how like shut the fuck up but you can't say shut the fuck up because i just moved my niece in with her for a kid she was homeless and she got babies and i got a big ass house where i'm used to peace and these kids running around want to talk get the fuck out my office who the fuck are you and i forgot i let her move then

i don't want to fucking talk to you fucking kids in the two-year-old that she got a two-year-old she can't talk with shit but for some reason the two-year-old keep calling me uncle gear i'm like bitch i am a girl i'm not a fucking uncle gear fuck out of here if i stick you baby and you know my little two-year-old looking like a little stud muffin look like gonna be a stud when it real muscular look like a little boy we had to get her ears pierced because everybody kept thinking she was a fucking boy with a pink shirt on so i'm a kid you have to have six right now yes six and damn it's hers and two of them pee the bed and you know you're like look at these both of god stop it but thank god my daddy died a couple years ago he left his hospital bed

and i was gonna throw it away but in the back of my mind it'll pop up so no my mind was like somebody's gonna come to piss on this bed she brought some pissy ass kids and everybody that wearing that damn plastic matric out so i got six kids at the house and my kids hate them because they used to having a whole house my house like 6 000 square feet and i got to share with these with these four kids but they was homeless and i tell my kids be grateful that you know we can help somebody but it ain't easy because the baby be hollering and my needs be this bitch put on an earphone to get away from her own kids she only 23 with four kids yeah and then she was somebody somebody somebody nobody feels sorry for me

well nobody felt sorry for you when you hit your fucking legs in the air bitch did you after two maybe you was thinking maybe i couldn't afford this shit maybe after one but you had four bits you had four fucking babies then what somebody's supposed to feel sorry for you get a job but she got a job at my house because i don't play that shit let me ask you something how crazy like years ago i've heard women at comedy show go they're either born again virgins or they're holding not to have sex or they're virgins it's a big thing when i was a kid everybody fucked at 12 it was fucking that neighborhood in jersey they were fucking i was 12 i was naive i didn't believe you were 12 and he was 22 yeah i was and that was child molestation today back then it was somebody

helping the mama out that shit just happened somewhere yeah we bought our computer for christmas the janitor this mother was married he was married his wife was pregnant and she gave she gave birth in august and i'm sorry in november january and i gave birth in august and nobody questioned his asshole about getting this girl pregnant nobody some good sex now i hope this i can say that because don't nobody listen to the park and some good sex back in the day because of course you don't really know what your dick is when you only had one dick at the time then when you get multiple dick you realize that first dick went all that you know it was just some you know no unemployed dick is delicious i say that all the time it's like obama carry don't work

but it's good 12 years old and he was 22 he was 22 and nobody said dick oh i had a second baby by him nobody said dick where is he today but he almost your age no i think you got him about one year this year and you still talk to him i still i think that was gonna just call me every nine then i still talk to the pussy he just took out a one on my daughter because his stepdaughter ran away with my daughter pussy ass and um i don't know just some old drama shit that's what he do he work at jiffy little bit of land if you ever need to hook up on a hard change man that's fucking crazy i had two kids by him then i later on i got pregnant again i had an abortion because i fit i was like this mother just gonna keep on punching me in my left i on friday get me

pregnant and not showing up for nine months so i was like i can't keep having any babies by this piece of shit what do you think like when like i can't imagine now at 25 i'm feeling like i'm too young like what 12 like what are you at 13 like how can you like like think about taking care of one i can't even imagine i think when you're a mom that fucking it just kicks in hey i'm a mom i got a responsibility if you i mean if you care anything about the kids so you start that you start your survival mode so that's what i did i started my survival mode and i went and got my first job made a fake idea when it worked at the huddle house the haunted house it's like the it's like the uh the waffa the waffa house okay it used to be called a huddle house back in the day

before the waffa house and where was this at in georgia so i worked there and um that's how i bought pampers 12 and 13 how much were you making there like four dollars an hour five it was like two dollars and ten cents an hour but you got tips and then i i've always stolen every job i ever had so you know by the time you say hey mom forgive me file off of this meal and then you throw the ticket away so it's a hustle it was a hustle that's how i took care of it it's amazing how uh i don't know i don't know what i don't have a fucking trade you know i can't fix in that condition i could paint a wall if i have to i can't fix a computer but i can hustle i can hustle and hustle is the uh it is the most it's fucking crazy it's fucking crazy because everybody can't hustle because hustle

you know i look at the comedy game like the drug dealing game because i used to sell crack that's how i do it that's how i do it that's how you because if you put it in your mind you really want to lock down this situation you're gonna fucking work hard and i just plot all of my dope dealing skills only skill i don't use in comedy is turning cocaine to crack that's the only skill i don't use other than that i use everything else just to hustle getting out there doing what you gotta do busting your ass it's the same thing just waking up in the morning not knowing not knowing how scary is that opening up your eyes and go when i saved a half a juice from last night i got a half a joint i got two dollars yep and tonight's thursday that means i got a show but

the grandma blow i gotta do this i gotta do that i gotta do this and that's it you just go out it's like treasure hunting yeah it's like fucking treasure but the good thing about mines i had a trap you know what that is like well you stand on a corner this that was my corner which unfortunately it was in front of my daughter's school but that that was my trap so i could go there every day i had like crack is locked in okay all right that's yeah no i didn't have uh i didn't do the crack part but i went to a place where everything went down so somebody would come in three dudes would be drinking and then one dude would come over me and go dog you know we'd get a fucking grandma coke right now boom they pay a hundred bucks cost me a buck seventy five for an eight boy i got this motherfucker

no i didn't do that hey real-life crack is it i look no i didn't have crack yet yeah like joey you kind of like kind of fell into drug deals most of the time seems like miss pat was like a drug dealer look you know i was a dealer i would go in and out i would go in and out i did it for six months straight then i lost every i got out and then i got arrested the year later but i knew how to make a quick buck no i did um i actually that was my job every day to get up pick up the crack and like i you love pick up the the drugs on the weekend stuff them in my kids underwear and drive back because that was the thing everybody you know you had to hide it somewhere so who you know this one crack first hit the black community so what you do you hide them in your

kids underwear nobody's fucking with a two-year-old shitty baby now where were you when you crack hit what year was this and where were you i had just had my daughter so it was 86 i was in the lounge 86 yeah the west end of Atlanta because at 84 is when i went to new york city and i went to a spot where they had reefer reefer they called it the master mix they had green weed tie weed and they called the master mix they put both of them together and i went back like february of 85 and i said where's the weed they looked at me like what the same a weed block and i'm straight up cracking i didn't know what the fuck they were talking about i'm like what's cracking they showed it to me a vial with this rock and i was like nah see we never did the vials

in Atlanta we did those little plastic bags and um we just you know i learned i mean when i first started my my kid's father used to sell it and i just thought he was some pussy ass niggro i was like i can do this shit better than you so i went out and i got a friend from my old neighborhood and i was like he was like you should come over here to my old neighborhood and sell crack and i was like well well i can get the dope but you gotta show me how to do it so he taught me how to cook it how to cut it we was partners for a long time i had my first hundred thousand dollars at 16 i had no fucking license and i had about eight cars i had a learner license so i would just give the police in Atlanta a few extra dollars they let me drive on my learner license and when

the ones that worked that didn't like me i just put a crackhead on the passenger side because you know you can drive with a learner license that's how i learned how to drive through a crackhead i learned every fucking thing so i learned from my my partner how to cook it and we ran a business we was making like 10 000 15 000 dollars a day i was 15 years old 15 years old and um but my kid's father used to beat on me all the time a lot like he shot me in the back of the head he's just beat on me and he was like this is bad business he's him jumping on you you call the police and the police know you rabbit because that was my drug deal tonight he was like that's just bad business so we split all money we went all separate ways so he stayed up at the top of the hill and i moved

it to at the bottom of the hill because my kid's father used to cheat all the time he would take my money and buy my money and take these bitches and winding down i show up somewhere he got this bitch in my car with my jeer on so i'm choking this bitch out of he pull off and leave us fight like you're gonna leave your whole enemy you ain't gonna help neither one of us so i used to catch him like that all the time spending my money on holes i go over i i would just track his ass down before gps it was even out because he was so stupid he was slipping so he was serving places i go one time i caught him in the bed with three bitches at 16 what the fuck were you thinking at that time when you woke up in the morning and you had cash and you had your corner what the

fuck were you thinking and you had the two kids i had two kids two kids 16 survivor i was thinking you know they catch you you lose your fucking kids right you're gonna i've been in prison no that my kids i had too many people when you got money you got good friends and bad friends so when i finally did time i had somebody there to keep my kids so you know they they never you know because what it was is that i had my niece my three nieces which was uh my kids father niece so i told them how to sell crack and then i had my cousin her name was boot i told her how to sell crack so i let the kids handle the crack because we was fucking all kids because everybody thought i was grown really i was fucking 15 years old running the whole block it's just one one day

somebody was like how old are you and i was like 15 there's like bitch we've been saying miss to you and you all age we know we they couldn't lock nobody up because we was a bunch of fucking juveniles selling dope but i act so grown because i had my first apartment at 13 14 i don't make me some fucking fake id walking and motherfucking talk like i'm grown with a baby who the fuck are you how you gonna tell me i'm not 21 it's amazing maybe your spirit was 21 my spirit was because i was thinking about that i was talking with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago and i said how's your daughter and she goes you know coach she stays in every fucking night we were out all the time we were 18 this girl goes one two nights a week she stays up to 11 with a girl he goes i

got no problem with that but fuck we were out every night and i was thinking about how when we were 16 we were going out because in jersey was 18 new york city was 18 so at 16 15 you were already out because you look fucking 18 once you got to 15 they don't know how fucking old you are it's how you walked in there how you out yourself up you know at 15 at 16 when um we didn't have id to get beer everybody would send me in because i had really big titties so they were like rabbi you go in about a bill because you the old looking bitch so i would always go in the store and you know when you're in the hood if you look back in those days the back in those days you can walk to the store and buy your mama's cigarette and the people are like okay this is for your mama

and nobody gave a fuck so i was going out and yeah buy a six pack of beer and fucking you know he wouldn't even think about it what do you think about it everybody else looks like he is you imagine that shit league going through the store and going my mom sent me let me get two packs of marlboro let me get two bottles of scotch rolling papers yeah and the town where i grew up they card 40 year old so it's just i can't this is foreign this is all foreign to me so i'm just like i'm my mouth's wide open like for people listening like you two are perfect together but everyone who's listening doesn't relate to this at all remember when my when my baby daddy shot you mean the back of the head you're like yeah i got that you're 16 you're selling crack like what i can't

even it's just so i mean like because when it's black when the drug hit the black mirror i tell you the first time i ever came into heroin i can't say that drug for she heroin or whatever you fuck you call it anyway my my my mama shot up her whole life my mama shot up diabetic medication so i was familiar with needles but when we moved into this community that's when heroin just hit the black community and what year was this um i hadn't had a baby yet so i was exposed to heroin before one minute no i was pregnant so it was probably 85 85 because the next year i was exposed to crack so where was this at at Atlanta Georgia yeah at Atlanta Georgia over in it's called the west end okay so um at that time heron and crack was in the

community but people was doing i guess they were spearmen with heron so my next door neighbor would go and shoot the shit and i'm not alone he would get butt ass naked and i'm sitting on a back porch and nobody would say shit he would run over to me i'm pregnant with my fucking first child and just bend his ass over in my face be like rabbit get the rat out of my ass and i will be looking up his ass like jay bair ain't no ratting your ass your diabetes messing up because i thought he had diabetes like my mama and i was like the rat hanging in the front get him nigga get him that's what i thought he had and he forever till we got used to it it was nothing to see jay bair running around naked telling people to get the rat out his ass on the weekend

in front of the kids nobody was harrowing he was shooting harrowing he was shooting there and every time he'd do i used to love to see him do because there's nothing nothing like a black man with a real small penis because that shit drew his dick up like super small and he would be out there sitting on a cove with his ass spread eagle like somebody about to fuck him in the book and the kids would be standing around be like his ass hold dirty you know that's the first time i ever seen somebody run a train on a woman when women started getting on crack and they would come to the crack house and they would get fucked so we

unpacked it we peeking through the house we peeking through the uh wonder of the crack house this is before i ever saw a drug drugs and this pretty white lady came over there she's sucking dick fucking everybody and we just watch it and they are fucking her with uh you know the sandwich bags they didn't have condoms so they was in there putting on sandwich bags and ziplock bags and they were running the train on them that's how bad was fucking crack that you said what the fuck did it make people go crazy it made you know what it made it really i didn't know nothing about i knew nothing about it oh correct total black and then in 89 no in 90 i came back to new york after six years of being gone in colorado hidden in the mountains i go to new york and i go where

do you get the blown they go you gotta go to yankee stadium and i went up to yankee say i made the wrong fucking left and right man and i ran into crackville where you actually get out and stepped on the the vials where everywhere it was fucking crackville it was like a it was like a zombie it was like that show whatever they fucking call it because you know black women was beautiful and that shit made them that's why i never use crack because when when they hit our community and all those women started turning ugly i know what i look like without hair and makeup so if i smoke that shit and not comb my hair somebody gonna think i'm from the fucking zoo or something it's like this this drug ain't for me that was fucked up without me cracking you see it in boston no i mean i

feel you know white kids losses for jenny then 19 what do you want to do in 19 somewhere around there yeah jeez what you do to your 19 you just whacked off yeah i mean i i did other stuff before then but yeah first sex blow jobs and stuff but you gave no job i didn't give them i got them who sucked your dick some high school girl yeah you paid for hounds no i can't imagine did she suck you did these two no oh she don't know what one girl bit my nipple and that was that was terrible that was the one i hear you man yeah that was all your nipple and lee went fucking nuts he was read in the phase he was angered it hurt is he bit she like bit it hard and it like who was you fucking a crack ain't no it was it was a fucking online dating oh it was the worst but no crack was

something that uh jesus fucking christ ate went because they broke it up until like a crack neighborhood and when you made the left down to that you could feel the energy it was like being in a fucking horror movie yeah it was like being in the thriller video and then when you left it i i smoked crack i smoked crack for a couple months right here in california never smoked it before on the way home from the comedy store at night i would drive on this one street and i'd see these guys in the corner and one night i just pulled up and i go i couldn't get coke when then i go what do you guys got me go we got whatever i go give me a 20 and they gave it to me i went home i tried to cut it up and started to burn my fucking nose and i told somebody this and i go no that's fucking crack guy so i had

that the house so one night when i ran on the coke i got a coke can i opened it up and i started smoking fucking crack i smoked crack you smoked it on the cane out of the can yeah my brother used to smoke it on i smoked out i smoked crack for about uh maybe six months and then i went to opasso texas for two weeks and this had to be yeah 99 2000 and i was in opasso for those two weeks i didn't smoke crack i snored a coke so i stopped smoking why not just do coke like i i i don't know it was the craziest thing but like why don't like it like why did it become popular like because it's it's it's segregated crack is for black people coke is for white people but you make crack with coke right that yeah but here's what happened god i'm sorry i'm just like why because you always

say the thing like what like why do i have to add stuff to my weed like why not just do the coke like if if the if the drug dealers would get coke to make crack like why even waste their time because the crack was cheaper yeah you could for five dollars you got something if i go to a place to get powder for five dollars i get a half a line yeah and you could add to it like you could take crack when you cook it and it was this thing called comeback you remember that yeah and it takes just a little bit and blow that bitch up to a lot so as a drug dealer you will be making a like say if you was cooking a half an ounce you can turn a half an ounce of powder into a whole ounce so well you always gonna make five hundred dollars now you can make a thousand

dollar but you've probably only spent three or four hundred dollars so that's fucking great profit if you know math and when you went to prison did you sell it there because no i i you know what i know i didn't do drugs so no i know i don't know but i don't know if like no i know you you guys probably didn't watch it but orange is the new black the president watching it made my husband watching his shit out of it it came out this weekend and there the new thing this season is there's a new person in the show who's selling drugs in the prison and you didn't really do drugs in prison right you smoked weed a little bit but i did acid some hippie had acid they had speed yeah they had drugs they had heroin coke stuff like that i did heroin one time but i didn't do

the white heroin i did the mexican heroin and i did a crank once or twice in that and i did acid most i didn't do any cocaine man i didn't smoke weed and did you i never did any drugs but never in your whole life my mama was an alcoholic and i my whole and i don't even smoke cigarettes and i used to look at my mom and say everything you do bitch i never do i didn't say that too because you say that to a black mom you get fucked up you can curse out in your mind all you want to but you weren't cursed not in person no hell no so but everything she did like she she smoked weed and she got high all the time she did alcohol so i did none of that shit now my sister did my sister do everything she just got out of jail so this is the first time in her whole life that

i've known her that she's drug free it's funny because what happened was they they it's supposed like the cia brought into la whatever the fuck they're saying ricky ross brought by ricky ross but then it became this epidemic across the country that's a great question because it was 50 bucks you know cocaine came out it was 100 bucks a gram that's it 54 a half gram no negotiation so it's kind of like when you say you like you cut cocaine crack is like super cutting it's super cutting it but it's so strong it's still strong because they they magnified to the most powerful fucking source known to mankind but then what happened was the biggest problem like in mid 80s was when the bush administration was the bush administration they were having a hard time smuggling

ether into columbia and ether is what you use to wash the cocaine it's what you wash it and when you do cocaine at the end when you suck it in you get that little draw in your throat that's why you do the blow because of that taste you can never you can't yeah they say that taste is delicious when you do that at the end that's why people do that shit that thing right there yeah that's the fucking money shot right there that's like coming in somebody's asshole you understand me when somebody's blowing a balloon in your asshole that's what the money shot that first line yeah that first Lee how you doing Joe you want a line of this shit I just got it off this fucking black dude on the corner all right let me get on that first gaga that determines your evening yeah that motherfucker

right there is the money shot that first line and after that it's it's every man on its own so what happened was that taste went away they had a smell they were washing over gasoline oh I remember that shit I remember getting a whole uh I was getting it from some Cubans in Atlanta and they had smothered in and everybody was bringing it back this tastes like gasoline gasoline a bitch unleaded his own sale yeah so what they did was they just burnt it down you just taste it now you taste the guy bro I bought nine ounces of this cat piss that was tremendous it fucked you up but it smelled like fucking pure cat piss so it was in the cat ass I don't know until this day I don't know I went over there the guy always

had good coke I took it without sniffing it I went home I did two lines I'm like this taste and then it started tasting like cheese there was a batch that started tasting like cheese because they were they ran out of shit to wash it with so what do you mean by washing because I don't know you know when they take it and they fucking get the leaves and they fucking put the gasoline on okay yeah the little indian guy stepped on for two hours they taste the extract he mixes it with powder then it becomes a clay they let's us sit overnight for fucking 92 hours that whole process see I didn't know that process so it tasted uh very fucking weird so it was just but before like the cocaine came out then in 81 82 was uh freebase yeah and that was a complete

different thing that's where they wash it with baking soda and you have to come back and that was a fucking heavy duty white shit that was like people with with english accents were doing that you know what I'm saying like and what was your friend doing when he walked around with a microwave what was he making bazookas that's that's a complete that that's another form also oh jeez where you take a gram of coke put uh two tenths of baking soda and put in the microwave oven oh yeah and then you bring it for 30 seconds it comes out on the rock you shave that motherfucker and you put in the cigarette okay or a fucking joint they used to call them off they used to call them geek joints geek joints bazookas fucking you got him turning peak over there

I feel I don't I want to let you guys talk most of it but like I this is all stuff I have no experience and most people have no experience so it's just great it's like it's a whole new education it's it's fucking crazy and people are becoming millionaires off a crack because the profit margin hey I put my first daughter through private school with crack money crack money will fucking make you because all I got not anymore because people don't do it no more we're back in the day really don't do people do it you know if you say they do it but they they if you build a they'll come if you put a fucking motherfucking hot chick by in and out burger and give her 30s and sell for 10 we'll get this business going up again you're looking for a fucking job but you

get some hoes out here some of some crack you'll be back they'll call you the jewish fucking connection oh my god so you had a hundred thousand dollars at 16 years old at 16 years old my first time did you ever did you ever get to the point because Joe I mean by mistake without knowing what she was doing and that's the point she wasn't even a fucking CEO no four years of college no fucking nothing for all you fucking business majors that got a hot dog stand you don't know dick okay business is listen the biggest gift you can learn in life is belly to belly sales there ain't nothing like belly belly sales that goes throughout your fucking life you know that's why a lot of people jump off buildings because they don't know how to handle stress from running

business when it's failed they want to kill they fucking sell but for me and you we like fucking then that didn't work out let's start the next motherfucking thing these hot dogs we need to put chillers on the next month so all the business can stay up well did you did you lose it like fuck yeah I lost it I mean anything comes fast goes fast so you never heard that saying well I have but I mean most people know Joey's story and he had a lot and then so I just I don't know your story my mother had a lot not me well you I mean but you went through periods like doing the longest yard and then you were addicted so you went through a lot of money like when you think about it if you didn't spend any of that money on coke you'd be living in

Beverly Hills right now no no but the whole thing was it was uh I don't even know what the fucking question was this motherfucker confuses me all the time this shit god I'm sorry what were you saying I mean you know when you when you when you out in the street you're gonna eventually have to spend that money either you're gonna go to jail my fuck gonna rob you my fuck gonna try to kill you that you can't a lot of people say oh I can get out the business with this money what comes fast goes fast I mean you out now and then plus you gotta remember I'm a 16 15 16 year old girl with that kind of money out of the hood what I'm supposed to do with it I did like everybody else bought fucking joins calls and loud music and you know I made money from drugs on one run in

80 and 85 86 I made money from drugs even though I was a fucking coke fiend because the profit margin was so big people paying 1800 an ounce I was getting for 800 an ounce and putting 10 grams of cutting that motherfucker and selling it for 1800 they couldn't go right I couldn't lose money and I had it sold before it got there so I went under the bed and I swear to god I started this little side business in maybe June of 86 and by August of 86 I had 60 000 under the bed 50 000 eating stew out every day eating at restaurants thinking I'm John Lomba John Lomba by fucking November I owed 40 000 I owed 40 000 to local drug dealers so that's how fast it goes you don't know you don't give a fuck when you always gotta keep a side hustle like before before crack came

along and like I would go my sister these white guys was coming to the neighborhood and only white people only came to your neighborhood if they was the insurance man or if they wanted to buy pussy so I was at the time I was really into wrestling and I was too young to really sell pussy but my sister was selling pussy so when my sister wasn't there I would tell the white men you know give me a ride to the wrestling match because I like wrestling so they would pay me a hundred dollars why they jacked they did I watched that's all they wanted me to do so that was a really good side hustle for me well they just jerked off he just watched yeah he would drive me downtown and drop me off but he'd be done jacked his dick all the way there and I just be he just wanted me

to talk to him and I was probably 11 so I would talk to him yeah you work work that dick white man he was gonna pay me a hundred dollars I want you know how far a hundred dollars went back in 85 or 84 well I was going to fly to LA from New York for a while yeah yeah I was like yeah beat it and it wasn't that big so if I didn't really peek over I couldn't see oh my god it's amazing when you're in that world when you see people's weaknesses and you see what people will do and it's amazing how you're raised and how your perception of people is like you respect people out but you know people creepy motherfuckers when you see somebody jerk off in a car and pay on that bucks it's not even fuck it but you know what when I was little when I was real young and I was

in elementary school I remember as a kid on Friday this dude would ride around in his car and jack his dick and look at the kids and we called him the dingaling man every Friday we knew the dingaling man was coming and nobody was scared of the dingaling man we would tell the teacher he's like just stay away from the dingaling man he didn't want to fuck nobody he just want to look at you and shoot off in his car and we'd be like oh that's gonna dingaling man and when I asked people I was like y'all didn't have no dingaling man everybody had a dingaling man oh if you didn't have money for cookies you go over to the candy man house and let me touch that little titty undeveloped titty okay you can rub it how many cookies you gonna give me

that was making money I mean you was you was earning what you got I mean yeah there is child molestation now but it wasn't nothing for old dude to rub on your ass for some free pop in my neighborhood and the dingaling man was guaranteed to be there every Friday that's fucking crazy it's amazing how when you grow up you're like you think everything's normal yes I can't and I don't want to none of this is judgment but it's just like growing up I'm trying to think of maybe 11 and I all this stuff you're saying I can't I don't know if I could handle it now when I'm this when I'm 11 that because y'all asked with shelter but if you guys were sheltered fuck yeah you're having either you're having to jump off a fucking bridge so what when you raised

your kids do what do you want them to be sheltered or do you want they were sheltered one no dingaling man in my motherfucking neighborhood and if it was he was gonna get beat down but in a way again it's it made you who you are so is it a good thing or a bad thing well it made me aware of what was going on in the world that how uh how I wasn't washed out of like as a kid like all the shit that happened to me like I got molested and stuff like that and I was like nobody ain't never touching my daughter pussy I would kill him a fuck even after I got married I had a talk with my daughter every day I say if my husband ever touch you I want you to know don't nobody who walks this earth me more than you and you and your brother to me then he then y'all do I kill him a fuck and I asked my

daughter that from the time I married my husband she was in the second grade until ninth grade till she told me can you please stop asking me this I was like well why you want me to start if he if you were to touch me right now don't you think I would have told you I said I just want you to know I go fuck him up right now so I mean I just I was I wasn't I wasn't I don't think I was over protected but I kept her out because I knew the signs of a fucking dingaling man and ice cream man and the motherfucker who rub up against your titties for freeze pop you know people see your weakness and they and they play off your fucking weakness you know like my weakness was I didn't have nobody that'll love me so this grown-ass dude come in and act like he loved me and what do you

do you take my fucking virginity you wouldn't you wouldn't get down town like that with my daughter get the fuck away from here I can buy my daughter her own clothes and shoot I'm a supportive parent but that's what happened when you grow up with an alcoholic parent and nobody's watching after your fucking watching after their kids you know it wasn't shit for us to be in my granada looker house you know fucking dancing for the grown men's and they're looking at us like we fucking a ice cream pop you know it was a freaking shit ever but we had to dance for them that's funny my daughter ran in the park and then she slid on sand and she banged that and I was sitting there thinking about this book I'm trying to write in the narrative and I was thinking about the narrative

would be when I let my daughter go to 148th street now like I grew up on 148th street that's not where I grew up I grew up on 88th street on the weekends I go up do santeria and shit with some crazy fucking Cubans that's my godmother lived I saw a dead body the first time I just saw all this shit and I was thinking to myself would I let my daughter go up there now if somebody called me and said hey it's the summertime send your daughter to New York for two weeks to come up and stay on 148th would I let her go up there and that was I was just thinking about that how would I act or something like that do I want to shelter mercy well you can be honest to them because with my kids I used to say you know I'm not letting you go around my uncles or my family

because the motherfuckers are crazy like it ain't nothing like to go to a funeral and a fight break out I'm serious I mean it ain't nothing to see a fight break out at your funeral because somebody mad over some bullshit two years ago you know first of all my family only get together when somebody died we don't have a fucking family reunion when somebody died we turn that shit into a family reunion and a funeral hey I get to see you motherfuckers I don't see no more to somebody else's die you know like I'm always telling the story about my granddad when he died you know how people just came and my cousin them show their ass and my granddad landed the casket her kids beating on my granddaddy and all kind of crazy shit so you know it's with me I just tell my

family this is my family but this is this ain't my family we see these motherfuckers when somebody died what did you do differently when you were raising your daughters that you watched them how much more did you watch them what's the kind of shit you did I didn't let them go for people house you could not spending I don't know about house because I don't know nothing about your daddy but I know I don't want to fuck your friends I don't know I don't know how crazy they are bring your friends over here I did not I never let them go over nobody house I never let just get in calls with people I pick you up you know I just kept it open and you know but my daughter was there when I sold drugs she was there when I when I you know I got shot twice one time in the

head by my kids father then a guy blew my nip off so my daughter was there tonight the nigga blew my nip off nip or lip nipple nipple yeah he shot me with a 45 and blew my nip off so she saw all of that shit how old is she now she's 28 how's she doing I think that's why she gay that's the gay one yeah I mean what do you want your kids to see what don't you want them to see that's the question I live with now well I keep it real my other kids like my daughter my younger kids they know I dropped out of school in eighth grade but you know bitch always trying to challenge me because she thinks she's smarter than me like we was at the dinner table the day and she was like she come home and telling her daddy before school ended you know what she learned in history about Hitler and she

looked at me to my mama what you know about history I said I know three niggas got killed on the east side bitch that history do you know how to turn cocaine into crack that's it because ain't nobody at this table can do that but me so I'm the smartest bitch at this table I told I said do you know how to run with a baby in your hand from the police and not drop the fucking baby I'm smarter than you and I constantly tell her that because she looked like she'll drop the baby it's amazing how I have what you have I have a street eye you know I'm saying I have a street eye so when I'm out I'm looking at things that you don't even fucking dream or look at I'm looking at shit that you're not even looking at I'm looking at and I'm thinking why is that guy over there

I'm thinking different yeah that's how I think I don't think nothing happy I don't know what the fuck people talking about you know I'm always fucking paying attention I see with my wife I take my wife to the park with the kid I want to strangle she'll get into a conversation with a woman and the baby walks five feet talk this way talk looking at the fucking kid talk telepathically the fuck you taking your eyes off the fucking kid for I tell her all the time don't take it what the motherfucking say after I turn my back for a minute what the fuck it was no fucking minute but it was a minute that's how quick those little motherfuckers get picked up or get stabbed or fall or get you whatever you know so I come from a different fucking society I'm

gonna I'm looking at completely different shit at the airport yeah I'm looking at different shit and I think that's from that that that street mentality like I don't walk out I walk into a place I look around at everything because that's how you get killed by not fucking paying attention and I teach I teach my kids look at motherfucking the eye because if you look them in the eye you know eyes tell you to store everything a motherfucker who gonna kidnap they already know what they about to do before they do it but you look at me my eyes say fuck what be today and I kill your motherfucking ass first of all I'm too heavy for you to pick up and run with me so your pistol better work man I just give it to him in my eye don't fucking try me I'm

Ivalating and today ain't the day you will be fucked up so and I tell them all the time but you people walking place in them not paying attention I pay attention to everything I mean I don't know what the fuck in your book bag I don't know what the fuck you going through but you're not about to kill me because you having a bad day like in Atlanta a couple years ago before I before I moved to Indy this so stupid motherfucker get over the over path they're gonna jump off and everybody trying to you know talk him down I'm like would you fucking jump so I can keep going home you got traffic blocked up because you having a bad day don't fucking hold my dad because you want to kill yourself go to your garage and blow your brains out so I mean that's just the type of person I am

now when you got shot in the head what happened break it down for me I was uh oh and I got shot in the head woman my kid's father shot me in the head when I got 50 year old yeah he's fucking fifth in there he I was at home I was at my house with a guy he comes over and want to play like he bad he said he didn't mean to shoot me but he did he hit me with a 38 and that bitch blew a nice chunk out the back of my head and then this motherfucker didn't even stick around to see if I was gonna die he actually ran off and left me I woke up and went and called 911 blood everywhere I don't want to get in the hospital for a couple days because it only like cracked my skulls a nice big-ass scar back down so the doctor was like we don't even know how you alive I said I said I

guess God got a story for me something for me to do and who shot the nipple off oh something I was arguing with over the fucking cocaine transaction he spit on my car so I stick the pills in his face and he come at what automatically with my little fucking broken 38 not working that's what I learned if you want to draw a gun on somebody go and kill them go and kill them don't draw shit on nobody not use them go kill their ass and he came back and he hit me up under my arm and blew my nipple off let me tell you something I'm getting stressed out just talking to you why because it takes me back yeah I gotta tell you this story I was gonna take him back what Lee why are you red in the face cut second because you're talking we'll show you in the nipple oh just some guy if I got shot if I

got shot it was in the area of someone getting shot once I would never leave the house ever again that's your scary ass oh my god I can't even it's amazing I used to do some crazy shit because young you don't think you can die like I'll tell you the time my kid's father was cheating on me right so I honestly I was in the west end I was walking across the over path and I just happened to look over the over path and this motherfucker is down there in his car with a bitch all my mind just collapsed I jumped off the over path until that motherfucker called like who is this bitch in the car with you did you knock around no that motherfucker drove off and I fell off the car he fucked my leg up he got some muscle he didn't know that was me I was like bitch you'll see me

coming down out the air how the fuck you not know that was me I was calling your name in the air what the fuck is this bitch doing in your car until I hit the hood now your new husband what do you think about all this life he's like everybody I always ask him did you shoot in the chair he's in the service right he was he's not anymore he works for gentlemen he's retired from the service no no no he just did his little term and got the fuck on now when when when when was the day you woke up and decided that's it um you know what I was uh evident because even after you say that's it you got that energy around you for a couple more years yeah I was just tired I was tired of fucking selling crack I was I mean my kids was headed to where I was headed then I was like

what if I get killed and I got to give my kids to this pussy ass dude or what if I go to prison he ain't stable he got by fit he got here like 22 kids at the time so I just started praying I said Lord I really need my kids like a baby a daddy and um I went to a comedy club and I met my husband and I was like he don't know he just answered this ad I had in the newspaper now I'm baby daddy and I gave him a little up and down he was very intelligent speaks really well you know I'm country as fuck so I needed somebody I could learn from his tennis shoes was clean and he had his back teeth I was like bam you got the job can you remember my mom 24 years and you have two other children with him just two with him I met him I had two right so yeah all together and what's he

think what what did you turn the fucking craziness off what he he turned the craziness off because at the time I was still selling crack and I was into forging chicks and shit and so he was like well what if what if you something happened to you you know what about these kids and he was like you know we're gonna be together we really gotta you gotta get a job I was like a fucking job what they do that at they don't do that around here you know I'm used to going outside writing forging chicks and making sell me a hundred dollar two thousand dollars didn't sell my cracker I'm back at home by two o'clock five six thousand dollars in my pocket but he was an honest man never been to jail never committed a crime never had a traffic ticket and he just I don't I asked him all the

time what the fuck did you stay with me I was stupid as fuck I get to fighting at the football game one day in all we was in an all-white neighborhood except I was starting to get my life back together the guy struck my son out now I'm a hood ghetto bitch and my husband don't raise his voice for that I jump up pregnant with his first child run out on the football field and push the shit out of the empire no nigga you gonna let him back one more time that wasn't right they hit his arm and everybody what the fuck I'm up in about five months praying knock the shit out the empire and when nobody that we're the only black people I'm acting straight niggerish my husband and like I can't believe this bitch just hit this man they sit I ended up they ended up it's an award for me

and I had to go because I got criminal my criminal background history say all drugs so I had to go to a fucking AA meeting for six months listen to Crackhead as part of that yeah part of the thing the probation service yeah I had to go and set listen to Crackheads for six miles pissed how long have you been decent a decent person probably 24 years 23 years when I got with him that shit was over that life was gone I was done was it love not at first because I told him I said look I've been with my kid's father for a long time but he was beating on me he was cheating on me he was fucking veneer disease gunnery or Kraus fleas all that shit everything you ever had fleas and gunnery that shit a pain you have crabs Lee no you ever give me the dog in the eyebrows oh

he never he never he'd asked for crab in it and shit like the fucking steak they give you that fucking the palms in New York my man spin over a gives you that steak with the fucking crab on top it's always gonna be a little asshole with a crab marinara on the side and your fucking little jew years turn red cocksucker oh he ain't been through shit he probably ain't got a five people we have and two of them upon his ball he's come a long way though you know but I started to get my life back together when he you know my husband's like we just can't do this and I gave it all up was it love it was love I love the shit out of my I got the best husband never judged me never said bitch I could tuck you out together don't call me no bitch first of all I ain't gonna have nobody

disrespect me but you know never disrespect me never put his hand on me always been a fucking straight up good guy and and when I used to tell him these horrible stories he never judged he just listened you think it was God no way that put him in your life yes it had to be because I was headed for death and when you seen him the first couple weeks you're like what the fuck this poor motherfucker well you know what I really wasn't dating him what happened was he would watch my kids while I go out and force chicks and I would tell him I'm gonna bring you some time to heal figure back so he started off kind of like as my babysitter and then I would get evicted all the time because I wouldn't pay my rent because I wouldn't have money be done fucked off on you know be went to the

club and I was getting evicted he I was like I gotta find a way to get me apartment he said I get your apartment I was like for real because that don't happen in the hood you know dude with good credit that you don't get no man with no job and good credit and don't beat on you and he black she that was a gold mine it's funny because I was fucking crazy I was fucking crazy dog I was going to Miami and doing blow I was coming back and doing spots at the store and sleeping on Ralphie Mae's fucking floor and arguing with my wife and it was just a fucking horror show in my life and one Sunday night walking to the comedy store and as I'm walking up the stairs this girl's walking down the stairs and we just look and

she kept walking out and saying nothing and then I went back to the other soda whatever the fuck I was drinking I started talking to my wife and we started talking about three nights later I called them I got 30 hours from somewhere and I called and I said you want to do something let's get coffee we got coffee and smoked a few cigarettes and I remember sitting there sitting across from me going this girl's interested in me I can't believe this this girl's a Christian girl from Tennessee she's white don't smoke reefer don't do blow don't do drugs or pills never even knows about it said she had a roommate in the valley that was she didn't know what she was doing but the spoons were all black they were burnt you know she didn't know she didn't know she was

that fucking naive and I started dating her and I remember one time I'm going to New York to do a fucking show and I swear to god miss Pat I had $20 and I remember she was a waitress she made like $40 and I was with her maybe a month and a half and she says how you gonna get to the airport I have no idea she was do you have any money I got like 30 bucks she gave me $40 and a half a pack of cigarettes and I remember going to the airport she's driving me I'm going I can't believe this happened to me I gotta love this girl I gotta like this girl I don't want to like this girl because I don't deserve this woman that's what I kept thinking and then we start dating hanging out more than fucking one day just moving and the whole six months I'm like this is fucking

craziness that this girl even cooks for me and asks me about my clothes where are they that she wants to wash them I just couldn't fucking believe it man and 12 years later I got a baby with this fucking kid this woman that's how I felt too like when I first got on my husband I because I'm used to a man disrespecting me and putting his hand on me and treating me like shit and cheating on me so when I got my husband and he wasn't disrespecting me and putting his hand on me I would use his car during the day while he went to work he used to work at Simmons Masters and I remember I would leave his job just crying oh thank you Lord thank you for such a good man because I mean you know I just I didn't think I didn't think that would fucking ever happen I mean so instantly

because once I got rid of there he just popped up out of nowhere we got close one door before another one opens yeah but I actually prayed well I knew I was over him I went and I got on my needs one day and I said Lord I've asked you for years to change this clam I said but you have you you won't listen to me I said so I'm coming to you sincerely with my heart open I fuck him change me I went to bed I slept with him that night I slept with him the next day and I did not have no desire just like that God turned me off I was no I had no desire for him after that I remember I could still see me laying I said I wish this motherfucker would get off me no desire and that was on a Tuesday that Friday I met my husband went to a comedy show when you get to comedy how long

were you I went I got into comedy um never thought I was funny people always been attracted to me so I um I went to the welfare office and uh told you know I would tell these fucked up stories about my life you know how my baby daddy beat me and my mama was an alcoholic and I remember telling this story about my mama used to get drunk all the time and I said every time she got drunk she wanted to motivate me and she would say shit like rich for the stars and I hope you hit the sun and burn up I'm like this bitch trying to kill me you know be all you could be and if that don't work out you can always be a hoe but I was eight years old and she was telling me this shit so what I did was I would go to my case workers and I would tell them how horrible my life was and one

day I get this black case worker and I tell her all these stories and this bitch just bursts out laughing so I'm like what are you laughing at she's like you should be a fucking comedian I was like ain't that funny about this shit she like this shit is hilarious and I was like really and I and I went and it was the first spot my first spot uh was a little pub place called the Irish pub and I would go up there every Monday night just to test it out and the first time I went up there I could jawn you know talk about people real good and it worked out really well didn't know the fuck I was doing I was like oh I'm a comedian how long ago was that 11 years ago it's my 11 year this year and you make the strides you're fucking them up but it's funny that you're very fortunate

because you cut through a lot of bullshit with this podcast world because now these motherfuckers didn't get to know where you're coming from see if they see you sometimes doing material up on stage they think that's who you are and they judge you on that I learned that years ago and I watched 24 seven those boxing things on HBO or UFC they always show motherfuckers house and they show his wife so you may have not you may have not liked the motherfucker because the way he boxed but once you got to see his wife and his kids and how he performed and how he acted you fell in love with the dude because now you know his struggle yeah and because of the podcast world and because of the internet now you know when I when I fucking uh came up I used to look up to uh Richard Pry I

knew he lived himself on fire and I know he was fucked up on drugs but that was it I didn't know he had kids I didn't know about his personal life I didn't know what his struggles were after Jojo dance I found out his mother was a hooker and he saw all the shit that we saw growing up that's what gives him a little bit of the insight that's what you know you know people like you and I we saw some shit and the way to make it better is by making ourselves laugh yeah when that corner of saying to yourself Jesus what the fuck did I just see and all of a sudden you just make a joke to yourself and you go to bed and everything's better yeah I mean I did that many nights many nights that's why I'm living in a house with my grandfather you know doing bootleg

and shit you had to I mean just saw so much shit like I saw my granny shoot a bitch about 10 times well I'm standing on the porch she called him a black faggot you know back in them days you don't call black men's no faggot no oh that was like that was hey you could have got away with the n-wear been a white man but faggot oh hell no they had too much to prove and they they call my grandfather 38 he carried 238 pixels in his pocket he was like a big motherfucker like a rascal he had hands like fucking a 13 shoot I saw my granny at a hill to do so hard knock that bitch cross the street and he caught the bus at the same fucking time and this lady was in there she was acting the fool I had to be about eight and he was he drugged the bitch out and threw it go home bitch

and she's like you black faggot and he didn't go for that shit he shot her finger off he said go on bitch I don't shot your finger off and she kept talking he just took them put them two pixels out like Rambo he's saying the bitch you gonna need an ambulance so my aunt ran outside she said daddy why you shooting woman he was like fuck her bitch go pull out the moonshine so I don't get no moonshine charge and I'm sitting there thinking like you don't shot this bitch by 12 time and you were about a moonshine charge so we pulled out all the looking shit and called 911 he fucked that lady up so it was nothing to see you know like crazy shit like my granny didn't knock on my fuck out shooting them all fuck a pistol whooping them all fucker for drinking

his looking not having his money it's fucking crazy man that's how you cope with it oh I gotta take it so I had an uncle named uncle Cesar he was crippled you know it's two legs fucking damn they're stuck together so my granddaddy will buy him pussy um I'm sorry so my granddaddy will buy that's that's what that was my granddaddy son he would buy my uncle Cesar pussy right true story so when he buying pussy he tell the whole he crippled just let him get some pussy but my uncle Cesar was type of he was a retard but he smiled all the time so we the whole would let my uncle Cesar get on top of him and me and my sister had to go in there and pull my uncle Cesar legs together until he put his dick in it I'm not lying to you and I remember one day he was laughing

so hard because he was happy he was about to get some pussy and I was like nigga stop laughing and stick your dick in I want to go play Pac-Man and he would get once he get in there and get started we could leave but we couldn't leave until he got the dick in it it's fucking crazy but my granddaddy bought him pussy all the time and it wasn't that thing we're like I just bought you uncle Cesar pussy go back down here can you imagine if you told somebody that today like how in the bar like three days later you get a fucking visit from social services you get drugged up out of that you buy your fucking crippled son some hooker knock on your door you could not have get him a piece of pussy if you see somebody who's crippled the sick that's what they need at the time it's a good

piece of pussy it's not being them being crippled is bad enough now you can't get a piece of pussy even just to lick it you know what and he didn't he was a time he was like really retarded like he sat on a porch every day and everybody who went into our bootleg house he would say shit like hey boy give me two knuckles two knuckles make a dime let me tell you about this story if you gave him a dime he would beat the fuck out of you he didn't like dimes he liked knuckles so if you're walking in that house and fucking running games from dying he would put a chokehold on your ass that didn't want it fucking dimes he didn't like dimes and he didn't like uniform police officer go back in the day that was like the late the late 70s they were bow ties so he liked whooping on police's ass

he would call 911 and hang up so you know that rush out to y'all and when he get there he will beat these shit out and one day he grabbed this white woman by her bow tie and drug that bitch in the house and i'll tell you my retarded uncle he would cripple he would pile driving the shit out this bitch she come back up i swear i think police was jumping out of helicopter down on my retarded uncle when they they fold that nigga up like a blanket so when we would go to the store uncle seesa if you had on a uniform he'll beat your ass so we literally walked him like a dog with a change around his waist because if he you had on you he was going to put you on a chokehold man he was m m fighting before m m fighting got out and he only ate out of pots he would not eat

out of a plate i don't know the fuck what's going on but you had to give him a pot with a hand on it i don't give a fuck if you were serving gravy biscuit pull all that shit in there together and that's how he ate he was scared of plates he was the weirdest person he didn't like dying he didn't like uniform and he didn't like plates i don't like soy milk hummus or fucking whatever this shit you ranch ranch fucking just so we're just as fucking crazy miss pat man it's been fucking interesting it's very interesting that uh we have similar backgrounds we saw some shit and that's who we are on stage and you know people respect adult people don't like us because it's too fucking real sometimes you just come across like with a real you know it's it's just uh

people get thrown so much bullshit now they don't even know what's real and what's fake any fucking more when somebody's talking to him well i kind of wish comedy would kind of get back to like the rich your pride and the bill Cosby you know back then if you was a comedian you had some type of talent anybody can be a comedian now i mean literally you're a fucking assistant if he wanted to be a that's my partner in crime that you he just get on stage and you know do whatever and i see it all the time and you know sometimes i ask myself joy i say well am i'm too real because you know the shit that happened to me they think it's supposed to only happen to a man i get up there's a my niggas a motherfucker shot me in the head and it wasn't his fault it's my fault because

i dunked slow and white women like oh my god you you will be surprised how many white women want to cry go leave me alone bitch i don't want to cry this shit it's funny you buy a t-shirt and get the fuck out of my line because i ain't crying about this shit i don't got time to be crying life is too short you know take take take your cars and and play them the way you want to play them you i mean you can make it out of a pity party or you can make it out of a real party life to me is all about get up get out and get something i ain't got time to be crying about a motherfucking thing especially nothing that happened to me in 86 i don't give a fuck if it happened yesterday i'm turning it into something positive and i think that's what a lot of people you know a lot of

comedy they think a lot of you know young people think they come they just can go on stage and talk about anything me personally i don't want to hear nothing about you can't get no pussy i don't want to hear i want to hear something that i can remember you buy a lot of motherfuckers in this club tonight can't get no pussy i don't want to hear nothing about you suck dick a lot of bitches suck dick i don't suck dick because i got vertigo but back in the day i tried the shit it ain't for me it's too much work it is i mean i want to hear some real shit i want to hear some real comedy and you know that's where i think we a lot of people got fucking offended easily too now yeah i tell them go fuck yourself i had one lady in canada damn near wanted oh she she wouldn't

stop crying like look here bitch go on over there somewhere before i call the queen she was like because i told the stories about uh you know how i was shot and motherfucking touched me and the dingaline man or whatever i tell you know sometime i just go off ramp this ain't even no joke i was telling about my kid's father how we so different in age and you call it child molestation but i call it let's make a deal how dare you my daddy touched me i don't got shit to do about your daddy playing in your pussy now you even talk to your counselor you get over this shit but i'm not your counselor bitch get the fuck away from me i don't do counseling don't get away from that shit go write you a book i'm trying to write me a book too bitch go write a book about your dad hand up your ass

and get over it ain't nothing you can do ain't like you can go back there he didn't leave his hand in your ass is it hurting you when he can get over and do something about it write a book so other little girls don't get their hands stuck up their daddy hands stuck up in their ass i don't want to hear your problem i got my own fucking problem i'm gonna fucking like be a dude shit drop the leak cock sucker look at me you're not even stoned and you're stoned i thank god my son all right let me give some shout outs here amando so gato jerry henson gabriel mogosa jim jorgensen wait for dusk our bar ted lynch and louis b r b a whatever your fucking name is i don't even know anymore you know i'm saying only you fucking killed me tonight there i love it i love having fucking controversy

on this motherfucker people at home sweating bullets right now thinking what the fuck it's a sunday night people getting shot in the head nipples on it for all your fucking needs you understand any new nutrients supplements whatever the fuck you need on it dot com they got it going on their main thing is the alpha brain 100 guaranteed you'll be running on all motherfucking cylinders you understand me go to on it dot com impressing what lee church church ch u r ch get 10 off get put on the lift they got to stay on it program they got kettlebells on it's got so much fucking shit going on together digestive enzymes now i'm waiting on them so i can tell you guys how i feel on those papaya ends i think that papaya ends on my i'm i hope they are i think they're just tremendous

i'm hearing that they have the testosterone powder is fucking working for a lot of people some guys sent me some emails but the only way to find out is to go to on it give it a shot columbus did right what the fuck go press it in and see what they send you also on the list today some of my favorite fucking people right here is my main motherfuckers hulu plus i love hulu plus you understand me and i'm gonna tell you why you go watch scandal the daily show modern family you can watch on your smart tv your computer your rocu apple tv xbox playstation you can also get access to originals you can't get nowhere else and you can binge on fucking 10 episodes of anything 12 episodes whatever the fuck you want what we do in churches at 799 a month but you get

two weeks for free 799 a month is like a fucking quarter a day you understand me but because you remember the church you get two weeks for free so when you go all the way after this fucking podcast what are they pressing the box leave joey joey in the fucking hulu plus j o e y you understand me they ain't fucking around hulu plus dot com go to the box and press what joey oh shit it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive 799 a month and fucking free for two weeks so you get to give this shot who does that when was the last time you gave somebody cracked and said sample it for two weeks and come back nobody does that shit hulu plus does that type of shit also father's day is coming why fuck around dollar shave club they got a dollar six dollars and a

nine dollar package i mean what the fuck why are you gonna go for bells and whistles it's got a fucking remote control it's got a stethoscope who needs a all you need is a fucking razor to shave your fucking face clean and smooth you understand me way before that junk why be a fucking muck like the rest of these people and spend two thousand dollars for this or a hundred dollars a month and razors who fucking who dollars shave club got it going on a dollar six dollars or nine dollars you understand me for the year nine dollars a month times 12 that's what 108 108 for fucking a year that's what smoke most people spend every three months on fucking razors you don't believe me go down go down to the fucking store wait online like a fucking half a month and when you get there

you're gonna go jesus joey was correct he's taking fucking care of me he's looking out for me that's a fucking true soldier so go to dollar shave club go to the box and press church there you go dollar shave club slash fucking what is it slash dot com church whatever i don't just gonna join ideas on that and get your shit together you're gonna be happy not only that they got a post fucking workout a pre-shave appointment they got the fucking things you wipe your asshole with one wipe charlie one wipe charlie's we're gonna get that type of action shaving that you keep your balls and all and your wife could use it who's better than me also escape by tank dot com they ain't fucking around the month of fucking june okay off the fucking chain the numbers they're doing this month they're

fucking tremendous called jeremy 1 800 numbers always got fucking answers right lee he always answers the phone you hook you up just get the fucking just a tank model you're gonna save thousands any tank they got industrial commercial residential you're gonna save a couple fucking genomes on it you know why because that's how escape pod dot tank escape pod tank escape pod tank dot com works go to escape pod tank dot com right now don't fuck around see what they got maybe you want to get a flotation device for your house you fill it up with epsom salt you wash your nuts you go in there you smoke a half a number and you can see your own future who needs a fucking squeegee ball a little fuck you need go to escape pod tank dot com if you get something mentioned joey d's get 250

dollars off but just a tank where leading models you get 150 dollars off right now you're gonna save thousands go to escape pod tank dot com why fuck around also this weekend i'm gonna be a fucking governor's thursday friday saturday all three shows uh but i don't even know what the fucking different towns there uh what a belford the fucking this that levy town is saturday the one place is friday and the other place is thursday if you're not go to governors dot com see what they got also the shirts are in the patches are in the mugs are in why fuck around go to joey d's dot net that your tour dates patches t-shirts do what the fuck you gotta do you sexy motherfucker can you breathe i thought i stopped talking just in case i need to give

your ass cpr i didn't know you know about cpr i used to be a fake ass medical since i did a little bit of everything okay you got it you got the laser economy you gotta play a couple fucking different titles yeah i one thing i won't do is sell pussy jewell that shit have gone ain't no value to selling that shit listen man i love you for coming over here today thank y'all so much for having me where you at this weekend where you at the next couple weeks um go to my website i know i'm playing lafayette theater in september i'm um i don't know my website comedian miss pat is miss pat comedy dot com twitter and facebook i can't fucking remember i'm over 40 i can barely see it's fucking you're in miss montana missouri lake osage

wherever that is yeah i'm there on the 16th you're on deja vu comedy club yeah 16th and 19th says and then in the funny bone and dating on the 24th that's a special night y'all i need y'all to come out and support me because i really want this club to start giving me an opportunity what club is that uh dating funny bone and what night it's a thursday night it's a special day one night july july 24th to july go see it uh you got some fucking heavy duty you had a life man that's why comedy comes in this shit's easy for you that shit you were doing before was hard this shit's fucking like stealing yeah you gotta go up on stage and tell people your life and connect with them and you're beautiful you know well thank you black and shit they say when they

was like you were a female joey ds i pulled you up i was like we just shaped it like we don't look like fucking up ahead you know what fuck earth when the fire how about a little shocker kind of ain't nobody for my girl miss pat that's how i fucking run it tonight it's a special sunday in that edition you know miss pat it's i'm happy you came on for you made me think a lot of shit tonight you made me think of drugs and fucking how lucky i am to have my wife because she saved us you know it's amazing that the laugh i'd never like after like nine months i was dating i'm like this ain't gonna work this poor girl she's gonna figure out i'm a fucking bum she never figured it out man because you never was a bomb no she never just the cars you the car and people dealt you and

to make you believe that you know whatever you went through a lot of time people can see through all that bullshit you know you can tell when the motherfucker gonna come over your house and steal your dvd player right that bitch said to me one night she goes we were dating like eight months one night she goes you know i gotta tell you something i can actually tell that you grew up with other moms love like for a couple years my mom died and that freaked me out because i grew up with a lot of people who never said that to me is this little white girl from tennessee who figured me out you know and that fucked up my head for months and it made me hate her but love her at the same time you know but i'm happy i stayed and i'm happy you stayed because i know you had your

doubts at times but oh i did but you know who the fuck knows and that's what i hope you motherfucker learned the lesson time it wasn't about getting shot in the head and your nipples cut off it was about smoking no matter how many times you get knocked down just get the fuck up who gives a fuck they can't stop you no they can't man that's what they want to do they want to stop them they want you to become a group groper and you want they want you to tell people to feel sorry for fuck that noise you fucking eat a roast beef sandwich you scratch your nuts you smell your motherfucking fingers and you go out there and fucking shoot them i don't know where i just saw you stretching your nuts and smell and it to me they smell like roast beef i don't fuck around

do you understand me it's nine o'clock i took a shower like it's six so now they could be i need to scratch my balls to scratch that motherfucker we'll be back tomorrow morning at six a.m with the doctor giving us some health advice tomorrow and shit like that what's up with you lisa i had nothing just tomorrow and uh tomorrow's least day boo again we got about a hundred and forty four green hornets leaves in the fucking go with the iranian government he's gonna go a hundred days straight like that movie four what's the movie when what's his name goes over and saves the prisoners oh uh hard go yeah how many days are the prisoners over there i have no idea like a hundred and forty four you gotta fucking match it you're gonna do hella bulls for a hundred and forty four

day fuck that fuck you you're a soldier a jewish fucking tank that's what you are you bad motherfucker you got the little blue matching the shirt up there the israeli flag we're gonna do we'll be back tomorrow six a.m hit me thank you miss pat i love you stay black and beautiful well i can't change color but okay who y'all can i can change my head do but not by color now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner don't forget to sign up for

dollarshaveclub.com get a high quality razor sentier door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and thank you to escapepotank.com go there for just a tank model saved $150 so I'd say that's the way it was Had them so naturally Didn't I know it was love?

The next thing I've done Holding me close What was I gonna do? I let myself run And I would fly through the stars But this life will last forever I've been thinking for you It's been so long

I knew just what I could do When I heard your song I filled my heart with this Getting the fridge done I knew I could not finish I needed someone And now I'm flying through the stars I hope this night lasts forever

Ain't nobody to blame Love me better Make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody to blame Love me better Wait for a lifetime To bring you to me

Can't believe I'm the one So lonely I feel like no one I must be dreaming I want this dream to be real And in this feeling I make my wish upon us all And hope this night will last forever

Ain't nobody to blame Love me better Make me feel this way Ain't nobody to blame Love me better Make me feel this way Ain't nobody to blame Love me better

Then you First you put your arms around me Then you put your arms around me I let your sister squeeze her under Tonight's a warm and tender Staring to each other's eyes And what we see is no surprise Got a feeling most with treasure

Ain't nobody to blame Love me better Make me feel this way Make me feel this way Make me feel this way Ain't nobody to blame Love me better I want this dream to be real

And in this feeling I make my wish upon us all And hope this night will last forever Ain't nobody to blame Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody, Ain't nobody Parey Why you? Why do you?

Why don't you Why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you?