Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #187 - Joey Diaz, Matt Brown and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by UFC Fighter Matt Brown. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 06/16/2014.

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escapepodtank.com. They have all of your sensory deprivation tank needs. They have multiple models. Mention Joey Diaz or the church or what's happening now and they're going to save you an additional two out of fifty dollars. The devil could suck my dick. He's dead. Band new fuck. Get down. Oh shit. It's going down. It's Monday morning. Wash that helmet. Scrub that muffler. Get those barnacles out of there. Oh shit. Oh shit. Public enemy. Out of respect. Long Island. What? It's got to come down here. What is this shit? I don't know. What is this shit? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Monday, June 16th, a month is halfway fucking gone and

you're sitting there going, what am I going to do this summer? Get it together, cocksucker. Do something. Set right goals. Get up. Scrub your helmet. Smile. Do something. What the fuck, Lisa? Where you been all weekend? I was in Florida all weekend. Really fucking died on it. You can't smell fucking caskets of death and shit. Oh, one of my dad's friends passed away when we were there, but I mean not the worst, but it's hot in LA. I walked out of the airport in Fort Lauderdale and I was sweating. You almost died. Oh yeah. That hot air goes into your fucking lungs. You see the fucking lizards. I forgot about that. All those fucking, where'd you sleep on the couch? No, my dad gave me his bed.

Yeah, fucking yeah. I sort of got a great father's day down there, went to the casino a little bit. What are you going to do? I heard you want some of this. I did, but then he fucking, my dad brought me back to the table to you. So excited that I won and I ended up losing. So what are you going to do? You see the war where they played the war by the, you see that table right there by the deli right there? Yeah. Told you. Oh God, that deli was so funny. The deli where the guy, the Hindu was still there because the Hindu still where's he going to go? Who's going to hire him? We were sitting at the table and I was like, wait Joey, stay here. I wonder where the deli is. And I was like, oh, there's a deli. And then the girl came out from the back

and I was like, I was just hoping and it's crazy down. I mean, I get it, but everything, the only thing anyone talked about was lunch specials. Like we went to this actually pretty decent Italian place where everything was 749 and the only thing anyone said and there was like, it was 699 four months ago. It's Monday, baby. We're going deep. I want you in. I want you to blow a fucking cloud for the people at home. None of these bullshit little, and then we got the fucking, oh shit, the green horn of the debt. It's Monday. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Lisa yet? You got to wiggle. You got to get back into fucking LA shape. You know what I'm saying? You've been gone for a few days. You're like fucking Tommy and good fellas. You've been gone

for a few years. Nobody went up and told you, take another one. What? You can't walk on one leg. You're a savage adept. It's fucking Monday. I'm loving this shit today. Long Island was great. Really? Yeah. Listen, Long Island is the only club I do twice a year. Keep puffing. Don't look at me, cocksucker. Keep puffing, cocksucker. This is Bob Marley day. Every day is a different day. Look at this shit. We ain't saving nothing. You want a half? What do you want today? You want to go deep into the hemispheres? Can I have a quarter? Is that cool? Or me? Whatever. I mean, I don't know. A half. I got Steve Simone after this. You want this month? Sure. Why not?

Oh shit. He's going deep to it. It's Monday. I'm all good. I was talking to people down in Florida and I was like, they were talking about hot dogs. I was like, oh, Paula's mom makes the bacon wrapped hot dogs. She texted me yesterday. They were having them. Her mom at 10 o'clock and I cooked me up some bacon wrapped hot dogs. I got them at the house. This will be well taken care of in a couple hours. You're going to go for a walk today, right? Yeah. Oh, no. I'm going to the gym today. Which gym? I was going to be the Y, but I'm going to go with 24 hour fitness because no initiation. Do they have classes for you to go to? Maybe. Because I went with my dad when I was down there.

So I'm just going to do the... What did you do down there? The epileptical. Did you like it? No, I didn't like it, but I mean, it's, I don't know. If you join 24 hour fitness, you can hang out with Diego Steno. Yeah, it's right there. And join over there. They got a pool over there. You go over there at night and swim. Nobody's in there at night. Nobody. Oh, I don't mind. Diego Steno goes in there at 11 o'clock at night and they know you eat the fucking thing. Don't be stalling. You're over there holding. No, I like these. I like these. I'm sure you do cook suck. I like these.

What the fuck? What else happened down there in Florida? I saw my like 90 something year old aunt who stopped getting new technology in like the early 90s. So her house is hilarious, but it was great. VCRs. Oh, I don't understand that. No internet, no computer, dial up phones, the same furniture from probably like the 70s. It was great. Florida is a different kind of fucking place. And either you're into Florida, I have friends that move to Florida and they love it. They love the freedom they love, you know. It's too hot for me. It's too fucking muggy for me. There's too many fucking lizards for me. I don't know what it is, but you know, no, it was their own flavor. It was too hot. And then

you know what, sometimes when people make Jew jokes, sometimes it could offend people. I get it when you're down there. I get it. You get like the old and I don't know if they're not supposed to be alive or what, but just the old Jews. Like I told you, I tweeted it out because for whatever reason, Twitter worked on the on the airplane about an hour into the flight down. I smell like 18 tuna sandwiches and then just every I have a picture. The couple next to me had sandwiches. Everyone had sandwiches. And when I was leaving, my aunt called me up and she was like, make sure you get something for the plane. So luckily there was a Chili's at the airport. So I ate before I got on the plane because I can't imagine doing that to somebody.

I told you, I can't, I don't understand how people could do that. I would never bring anything on the fucking point. I don't know about you, but as a big guy, I don't want to have any, I don't want to cause any attention. That's why I get the window seat and I just fucking, I watch TV. I don't go to the bathroom. It's just, you just sitting in that fucking corner, like a fucking orphan for six hours. What four hours? It's five hours and say it's 55 minutes plus you lose a fucking hour. You left at four in the afternoon. You got to lay at 10 o'clock at night. Seven minus three is what? Four. Yeah. What the fuck? And you were the fucking Jew. I only hang out with Jews that are bad at fucking mad. I went there for father's dad. I know,

but you can't say it's four and eight and four hours. You sat in the fucking corner like a struz for six hours crunched up staring at people. It's farting, whatever, your asshole rejuvenating. You take a shower last night and you get up that floor. Okay. Oh, no, you can't, that air. And then I'm going to be, I'm starting to make different cause it's great to save money, but I, I, I parked at the, like the economy lot and those buses go round and around. It took me like an hour to get out of there. What? So like, you think I'm here fucking breaking your balls? What? You think like I'm here to fucking make your life harder? No. That movie family business with Sean Connery and fucking Matthew Broderick and the other fucking guy. He says a line in there

that stuck with me for life. I don't like when people live their life off movies. Well, from time to time, you catch a good line from movie. And she says something to Sean Connery at the ball when he's buying the stolen shoes. Sean Connery tells him it only costs a hundred percent more be a hundred percent better. I don't know what the fucking line is, but it made so much fucking sense to me. And I, oh, you know, it's like I told the fucking guy at the thing. I go, listen, when I, when I travel, I don't give a fuck about the hotel. Every hotel is the same now. They all have a gym with a lip elliptical on a fucking treadmill. They all have free breakfast. Okay. Yeah. And all of them, the air conditioning sucks from time to time, like this weekend, I was freezing in

the long run. They're that condition. I don't fuck around at the Marriott. You know, last week's Marriott, they don't fuck around with the air in Utah either. They don't give a fuck the Marriott. But, you know, I'll stay at a hotel six, but I don't give a fuck. I have a great time at Hotel Six. You know, cars, I'll take, I'll get there my own. I'll take a fucking cab to your place. I'm not one of those guys that, you know, these people, this guy has a limo company. So every night, I'll stretch limo, pick you up and pull them aside Thursday and go, don't do that. Don't just pick me up in a town car. Pick me up in anything, anything. You're stretched limo by yourself? Yeah. I'm sitting there like an asshole,

like I'm Joey Banana's, like I need that shit. And I mean, these things are huge. They got the bar and the spinning ball in the middle. I was going to say, we're the ladies. Yeah. This is fucking cheesy, fucking proms and shit. You know, I don't want to fucking be in one of those things. Not at all. Even if I was fucking Joey Banana's, I wouldn't drive in one of those fucking things. It's against who the fuck I am, you know? But one thing, man, when I fly, I don't want to fuck around. And when I get off that plane, I don't want to fuck around. When I get off that plane, I got one thing on my mind, my family and my house. And this is way before Terry is way before the baby.

I'm not planning, I'm planning my trip, even when I touch down. Because when I touch down, I just got off the plane for six hours. I need an hour. I need to wait another hour. Then I'm gonna get on the 405. That's no joke at night either. Right. You know, it's always something. I don't have two hours an hour. I remember going to Florida and getting back in the town at 40 after them to save what? To save what? You're getting off a plane at five o'clock. Oh, that's the worst. By the time you get your luggage at the 405, and then I got to wait for a shuttle to come pick me up. I got to walk to the Middle Island and get on the fucking shuttle after I just drove six hours in a flight and waited in the airport for an hour and a half. How much

did the whole thing cost you to park there? 50 bucks. Okay. For buck 20, I parked at the fucking airport. Yeah. And I was out of there in three fucking minutes. Three minutes, Lee. Three minutes. I get there early and I park right by the elevator. Right buddy, you've been there with me. You see it. Right by the fucking elevator. When I get off that plane, the car is three minutes from the fucking elevator. I got it on program because I don't have, I'm 51. I got one for the grade, one for the banana peel, and I'm not going to spend it saving 50 fucking bucks to park. It's just amazing. It's just amazing how they nail you nowadays. But you know what, either you could go, you know who told me this? Eddie Bravo. Oh yeah. Eddie Bravo used to take the shuttle,

the one with the spots on it and shit. Yeah. Oh, well, that's even better. The one I took on was like a crappier version. Yeah. And he said one day, he goes, you know what? I finally realized, I just parked across the street. I don't have time. I don't have fucking time on a Sunday. He goes, and he gets off. Eddie's worse than I am. When he goes to seminars, he flies back the same day. Oh shit. Eddie goes and give a fuck. Eddie's packed to leave from the seminar. He don't want to drink. He don't want to jump up and down. He don't want to smoke dope. So when he comes in, he calls me and he'll tell me on Saturdays, where are you, dog? I'm home. Fuck. The 405 blows, you know, I'm taking this. So I listen to him. So I know. And he's the one that told me, don't fuck

with those buses. Pay a little extra and just go right there. They try to make it seem like, oh, there's a shuttle every three to five minutes. No, there's not. No, there's not. It took me 20 minutes when I got there. But you really want to get aggravated? Take that fucking bus that picks you up. Oh, I did that once. That's a nightmare. Yeah. And the way home, you're always the last one. Yeah. You're always the last one. But if you go to Van Nuys Airport, the bus station, no, that's what I did. That's a good one. Oh, on the way down, it was really good on the way up. I hated it because it was around to each terminal. So that one. Oh, that sucks. I thought it went straight to Van Nuys. People always say that's a good one. Why the fuck? I'm just listening, man.

When it comes to traveling, this Gumi's kicking in. Just email me. I'll save you fucking 10 fucking hours of fucking aggravation. I'll save you a bunch of fucking aggravation. You just started a comedian travel agency. It would actually be pretty great. Like comedians on the phone during the day. They're not going to listen. They're not going to listen to you. They're not going to say, well, no, no, no, pay the extra 20 because they don't get it. Nobody gets why you don't work on a Sunday. Nobody gets, I don't do it for religious purposes. I don't do it for any of those purposes. I don't think you have comedians working the phones. Oh, yeah. People who actually travel. And what are they going to say to them if people could call them up? I mean, you can bring

back travel agents. If you call it up and it would be you and someone be calling from LA, like, listen, spend an extra hundred and get there at six in the morning. I know that's only fuck it. Okay. But you're there to get being covered. So like a doctor, go look up six hours before your flight. Listen, you go to fucking go to americananlines.com right now. If you're watching this, go to americananlines.com and book the fucking flight one way. Kennedy to fucking lax and look at the flights and look at the prices of the flight. There's a 545 or a 445. It's usually $60 cheaper, $70 cheaper, $80 cheaper, but you're out of there 545. That means you got to get to the airport at 445, which me and we did. Yeah, we took that motherfucking flight once.

We don't fuck around and you get here at nine. Perfect. Perfect. By the time you get your luggage, the 405 is winding down, especially going up the hill back to where we're going. Those are perfect and look at the price of the ticket and you still got your whole day. Listen, I went to the park yesterday. I went to some fucking yoga thing with my wife. I went to a different swimming thing to sign up. They drove around. I had a whole day. I got off the plane at 955 by 1010. I was in my fucking car with my luggage. Are you fucking kidding me? In my car, by fucking, I think I got, and it takes me 25 minutes now to get home. 25 fucking minutes to get home. They added an age of healing. What's that? They added an age of healing. But anyways, how was Father's Day?

Father's Day is like any other fucking day. No, I had a good day with them. That's what I'm saying. I had a great day with them and I always try to get back to have that day. I never understood spending half the day someplace else and breaking it up. I got to look at your clock and you really can't get involved and tell you anything. What would have happened? Yesterday would have made sense for you to win. I could see you up $10,000 when an hour they got on the flight going, now I got to get on this fucking flight. You know what I'm saying? That's when it happens. Now you don't want to get on the fucking flight. So that's what I'm saying. You're always at two places. Father's Day was fucking great. Long Island, I'll tell you something.

The people, that's the only club I go to twice a year and there's a reason. It's still the East Coast, but I'm away from New York City. I'm away from fucking Jersey, but I'm still on the East Coast. It's New York. It's 45 minutes on paper, but with the traffic now and the amount of cars and the LIE and all that bullshit, it's a fucking hour and a half. So it's perfect. You're away from there. You know what I'm saying? Long Island's on its own fucking planet. And the food was great. The people, you know man, in Long Island they keep coming back. It's the same people we meet outside and we talk and we hung. The fucking, the Chinese guys there, the fucking Hindu with the short haircut, you know, the guys from SoCal, Jiu Jitsu, you know, guys came up from fucking

the other guy who won, the other guy, I forget what his name is right now, his Jiu Jitsu school. I mean, it's just people left fucking donuts, whoever did that. I love you to death. They left donuts and Amaretto fucking the cookies to eat, Anazette fucking whatever, eat with coffee and oh my god, people just great. Lou Greco brought me the cover, the Black Sabbath, the first album. He didn't put the album in there, cocksucker, but him and his buddies, buddy gave me a t-shirt from his band. Lady J came. I heard. You know, Dan Saruzulo came, the Jiu Jitsu dude. I mean, just a lot of people come when we talk. The highlight of my weekend had to be, I had this friend growing up. I had this really dear, dear girl. My mother died at

three in the morning. I went to eat breakfast. I got back to my house by 7.38. By nine o'clock the phone was ringing. There was this girl named Regina Gordon. Regina Gordon's mom had died maybe two or three years earlier. She was living with relatives now in North Bergen and she was dating a good friend of mine and she was just a different type of woman as you might call them. She was built differently. She had her insides were differently and she had a gift that a lot of women don't have. She didn't give a fuck. She didn't give a fuck. I learned a lot of things from her. A lot, but she was a fucking dear friend and she was, girlfriend's with a friend of mine who I loved a lot, but from time to time she would dump him and date another good friend of mine for the summer

and then dump him and go back with the other guys during high school. She was the real deal and we graduated together and we were together the night she, you know, we went into the city and her, me, her and her boyfriend used to get eight balls and she was just a lot of fun. And when I left New Jersey and I came back in 83, she lived around the corner from me with a different guy and I was new, I knew, was friends with him also and we went into the city one night and that's the night I saw Boy George on heroin dancing with a wall. I went to this club called Club Aria and I went to this Chinese Italian restaurant back then in the village. Chinese Italian? Yeah, it was a Chinese Italian restaurant in the village and we went there and then we went to that place,

but one of the nights I remember her the most, before I left Jersey, I started hanging out with her in Loups and we would go to these clubs on Wednesdays and Thursday nights. She worked in the city so she would call Loups and Loups would pick me up and go, Regina call, let's go over there, let's get an eight ball. So we would go to different clubs with her and my favorite story with her was one night we ended up at an apartment, it was Paul Newman's daughter and we were snorting coke and it was like, we went out on a Wednesday and now it was the Friday morning. Like I had blacked out for a day, like I know I fell asleep and I woke up and we started doing blow, I didn't eat, it was just horrible. On Friday we finally realized that there was no blow left and the car

had been towed and she went into the room and made the people that owned the apartment the condo pay for Loups's car to get towed. She was just a different type of broad man and the night before I left North Bergen for good, June 30th, 1985, I was at a bar drinking and I saw Julio, the kid who called into the podcast, the cop and he told me people looking for me and then as I was getting to the car I saw her and then she told me a different set of people looking for me and I remember that I didn't know if I was leaving or not but her telling me that those people looking for me was my decision to leave. I think we've talked about this before on the podcast so I always owed her and a few years after that, that was 85, she would call me in Colorado. She was

one of the few people that took the time out and called and said, what's happening you motherfucker? Yeah and she would tell me about her life and what was going on and she had a weird voice and she used to giggle and she loved Rifa. She loved Rifa. She was one of the few people that was our connection way before Medical Marijuana and all this bullshit, these fake fucking people. Me and her and Mike Askelies were Rifa heads. This is 19, the early 80s so whenever I got a good bag of Rifa I always gave Regina a couple joints and we would giggle. She would call me when she would be high and she would tell me, motherfucker you fucked me up with this. So my roots go back that long. So you've been doing this for 30 years? 30 years. So I always like smoking the best man,

my fuck around. And last December I was shooting a movie and I got a call from a friend of mine who was a friend of hers and was talking to me and we asked what have happened to Regina and her husband's a DEA agent and an LA girl called me back and said she died. You know it doesn't say from what? So she goes she has a son and a daughter so I went on Facebook. She went on Facebook and told me the son's name and I reached out and we spoke a little bit on Facebook and he said he was gonna come see me and he came and it was just it was amazing. It was just amazing to talk to somebody's son that I was raised with that was there for me that we knew a lot of the same people together. I mean it was really amazing

because I remember when my father died I would speak to people who were his friends and they would tell me stories and they would tell me little things of what his mind thought was before he died. It must be crazy because you must how old was he? I think like in early 20s something like that? The kid that came to see me blaze was 24. So you must remember being his age and being friends with his mom and looking at his eyes. He had his mother's eyes and his mother was there. I could feel Regina there. Regina was a badass bitch. Beautiful. I mean guys she was half black half white Italian or something. Her skin was this is in the 80s with nobody was ready for this shit. The black side of her had the Dave Winfield tribe. You know Dave Winfield she had that body

like she was long-legged and she had natural big breasts. They were naturally big and they were beautiful and her face was perfect. She was a model. She was a fucking model but nobody had discovered her yet. Did you tell him stories about drug use with her? He knew. He probably knew. I don't know what the thing like I don't know. Do you want to tell him that? I mean maybe you think it's funny. There's nothing. If you know anything about me man I could talk to a child and feel him out. I could talk to somebody and feel him out and if they mention something I'll go listen this is a kid knows and the kid just wants to know the truth. I don't want to lie to nobody's kid. If they ask me I gotta tell them. If they ask me I gotta tell them because I know

what it feels like to be on the other side of the coin. I always had questions about my father and nobody told me. For 10 years I thought my father died of a heart attack and then somebody said no he died from heroin and I had to go home and ask my mother and you know it opened up this thing at the house but and then she told me the truth and it was all fine but for a long time you know I was living under the impression. Nobody wants to walk around a fucking idiot. It's like that movie The Town. You ever see that movie The Town in Boston at the end the fucking bad skin guy tells him your mother isn't missing she killed herself and you were a fucking asshole walking around with a fucking flyer looking for your mother you fucking moron. That's why he shot

that motherfucker right in the head in that movie. Yeah fuck I watched the movie on the flight home yesterday at Parenthood with Steve Martin. I've seen bits and pieces but that's a great movie. That's an old movie right? Yeah it's a great movie. Well Steve Martin is fucking tremendous and he's a little part of me like as a comic you know all those early movies he did the man with two brains and all that shit that shit stuck with me it's like Woody Allen's early movies. Yeah and I still look Woody Allen. Fuck yeah. I'm like wow. Listen as a comic yeah as a comedian as a fan you know sleeper and all those early films like that there's a lot of listen I don't I don't appreciate his politics what's going on with the girl and all this shit but then again I'm not

in it for the fucking politics of somebody's life you know God knows the things I've done and you people fucking hang out with me I've never hung out with a 12 year old girl though but and told us she was my daughter now she became my wife but but you understand what I'm trying to say to you as far as comedy and directing comedy and somebody who knows the ins and outs of comedy he knows it he knows it watch his fucking movies he's done something like 40 movies yeah and listen man people sit there and they can't wait to fucking criticize you right but if you do 40 movies 10 of them gotta be bad oh 10 of them gotta be fucking bad especially if the studios get involved you know get involved whatever the fuck but he made some good movies when movies were movies so

I ain't got any halls and I haven't seen many of his but the ones that I've seen any halls my favorite any almost fucking great sleepers great bullets over Broadway I think that's Neil Simon I don't think that's Woody Allen who the fuck knows but there's a lot of a lot even Neil Simon's got some good shit you know a movie I watched that was fucking made me laugh Biloxi Blues what's that Biloxi Blues is I'm a big Matthew Broderick fan okay so Biloxi Blues is Matthew Broderick and Christopher Walken plays his drill sergeant okay and they got and they're all Jews from Brooklyn who joined the army in the 40s and they go down the fucking I'm with you already all right they go down the fucking Louisiana Mississippi for basic training in one of those places you know

they're Jews yeah and they go down the fucking Mississippi and they're trying to fight and Matthew Matthew Broderick always fucks with Christopher Walken you know he always tells me he can't eat this or he can't eat that because it's holy day and last time I checked you know Jewish you know it's pretty I like movies like that that's the beginning of your comedy career yeah you know that's those are the beginnings of your comedy career watching those movies subconsciously you know something about those movies and and seeing the styles of comedy and then you put your own thing on there that's why when I talk to a director and I and or or somebody who's supposed to be in the comedy business and I talked to them and they're talking to me about fucking hangover and shit I know I'm

in trouble I'm talking about where your roots where your real comedy roots you know if you're an actor if whatever the fuck you know there's people that have something that becomes something else you know but that's how it all starts by watching those fucking movies especially in my job or TV you know when most people watch inside I told somebody for me my comedy started when I saw Jackie Gleason when I heard Richard Pryor was one side of it when I saw the honeymooners and I saw the odd couple how Jack Klugman and Tony Randall interacted when I saw Benny Hill those are the beginnings of my comedy those three things at night before I went to bed you know it's like my wife says that the longer than that the baby takes when she's napping is when she processes what she's

learning okay and those are the years zero to three or zero to four I don't fucking know I believe that and I believe that's true for me with comedy I used to go to bed after watching Benny Hill the honeymooners and the odd couple and Sam from the Sun in the Twilight Zone that's two and a half hours of just death yeah and closing out with the Twilight Zone to scare the shit out of my comedy to really add fucking fear so it affected me you know what I'm saying it's who the fuck I am that's the that's the the roots of my comedy Richard Pryor's down there George Carlin's down there and then you have those movies you know the man with two heads you know you have those Steve Martin movies the Woody Allen movies you know Blazing Saddles those are your comedy fucking chops yeah those are your

comedy chops man and you don't you don't know it till you catch yourself doing something you're like oh I got that timing from fucking Blazing Saddles when the black guy ran in yeah do you do that because yes I do it yes like I can't watch reality tv because I always I start breaking down what they're doing do you really look at your jokes be like okay this is Blazing Saddles this is a Woody Allen thing you're absolutely yeah I hear musicians when you hear black hole I swear to god I know from listening to Chris Cornell that he was a Beatles fan I don't know why and then years later I saw an interview it said Chris Cornell Soundguard and the Beatles and I dug into it it's why if you listen to black hole's son if you listen to blow up the

outside world that's the Beatles baby the when he's singing nothing trying to tell me something those that's John Lennon motherfucker don't let the world bring you down that's John Lennon yeah that's so comics have the same yeah you know they must it's very weird when you hear a musician and he's telling you his roots and you're fucking getting blown away when I watch that thing about the documentary about Lemmy and he's talking about these American black bands you know that those you know like Jerry Lee not Jerry Lee but the guy that played the guitar I forget what his fucking name is uh with the one leg up that he used to show up with an empty suitcase and you had to pay him in cash and shit you know I forget what this fuck I'm high this morning yeah I'm

pretty fucking high uh you know those are those people's roots everybody has roots and from those roots you become something else you take it and run with the ball okay you know it's like any problem did with jiu-jitsu his teacher was John Jock but he would go home and I can go oh my god I can make this move that much better that's all we're doing I don't know if I'm doing that with my comedy I know I'm not but I'm taking that style when you watch me you know that Rodney Dangerfield's in there you know that Dice Glaze in there you know that fucking uh Richard Pryor's in there yeah you know there's a little bit of George Carlin because I love George Carlin's performance you know there's a little bit of Bill Hicks in there you know I took a little from Bill Hicks that's all that's in there

so how do you explain like I don't even know who and the storytelling is from my own family yeah so now we mixed that all that's what I bring to the table but they're different styles I put it into a pot yeah and when I go on stage some nights as I'm saying the joke I'm like oh my god that's very you know I used to say a joke I ran into a priest last week and I asked him what did you give up for length and I said father I ain't you know he asked me what I was giving up for one and I told him I ain't giving up dick you know to me that's a very Bill Hicks-y joke doesn't get a big laugh but to me in my mind that's a very Bill Hicks joke okay you know uh so how do you explain like I don't even know who I would say when when oh and Red Fox okay I loved Red Fox Red Fox talks

about eating pussy and eating nasty asses and a pussy tasted like you know a fucking vinegar cookie you know that shit you know that that's Red Fox I got that influence from Red Fox so you got nine people that you're not amuleting you just admire and you're taking your impersonation to them and you're interpreting it in your words I'm not stealing their charisma I'm not stealing their persona and I'm definitely not stealing their jokes I'm learning from their essence and that's how I'm getting better when you go work as a roofer when I would work as a roofer I worked with two crews before I became an estimator I worked with the Joe King crew and I worked with the Tom King crew and they were both tremendous roofers but they did things

their own way and they were both the right way you follow I'm saying yeah so uh when one guy wrapped a pipe on a roof when you see a roof you know some roofs are flat and you could just roll the roll out and blow torture okay then you get to a fucking air conditioning vent or a unit and you got to do that different you know Tom King did that a lot different than Joe King but they were both right okay the interpretation was both right so it carries over even to the trades with plumbing and and bricklaying and and woodwork you know you learn from two people you learn from three people you know this guy comes from a different crew he teaches you a different way it all learns you figure how to do it how it works best for you that's what's great

about jujitsu it has 22,000 different attacks you figure out what works for you you know what you might not be a like locked guy you might not be a fucking neck guy but you might be a good arm guy you know I'm saying you might grab an arm and know how to fucking break that motherfucker or you know something like that you know I don't know much about jujitsu but I'm just saying it's all interpretations we're all just doing interpretation of what we feel that's why I always think that when people say I'm an artist they use that word too much because no matter what the fuck you do when you're a chef you're what the fuck you're doing you give me your masterpiece when you're fucking fit give me your toilet when you fix my fucking toilet you put a new toilet you might

do something that nobody else does you might do a corking different you might put a rose in there it's your interpretation that's why this whole thing is so fucking beautiful I love it I love it what we're doing right now with this podcasting thing I don't know I don't know what the fuck we're doing we're doing half radio we're doing things that we've heard on the radio and things that we've just done around and we're just talking right that's it years from now some of you'll go you know what when I do a podcast I'm gonna do it half like Adam Corolla does it and half like Joe Rogan does it you follow me right so it's it's we all learn from each other here it's one big fucking learning family like a big daycare cocksuckers what are you doing oh shit lisa yet

monday I forgot I forgot it's even monday that goombie bear was extra strong this was the vapor panacea do another vapor leap I want to be around another vapor leap cocksucker to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart you're slipping give me the fucking vapor you think I'm an octopus I got one fucking arms get up cocksuckers wash that pussy salute the fucking flag you're an american it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive don't ever fucking forget that shit no matter what the fuck they tell you fuck the boats don't worry about the five guys that they traded for the Taliban don't worry about LeBron sucking my dick don't worry about none of that bullshit today all you gotta worry about is how the fuck you're gonna book G this in your motherfucking pocket and how

this thing's gonna work out for you today cocksucker and who's gonna suck your dick today you got those answers that's what's important lsd wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it when he makes your heart two bits I know you are let's see if the buzz oh it's one day morning you see you didn't sleep last night you're not fresh for that you gotta get it together no one is late afternoon flying warm when do I fly anywhere oh my god that's why you look like a fucking mortal van today look at your eyes the time you look like no i'm my eyes are closed because you just give me a hundred milligrams of fucking 100 milligrams maybe a fucking 30 milligrams no it's just 270 every time I see you add numbers do it

no look at the bag it's 70 fucking milligrams all right it's 70 fucking milligrams of indica it's 220 this is the decade this is the singular dose this ain't the the 220 dose get together why would I do something like that a monday morning because you like it was funny at the weed store we went to you you walk in and do you ever see that Michael Jackson documentary before he died where he was just like I want that I want that you were sitting there you were like give me eight of those four of those and like I just bet I'm like holy shit you don't fuck around why am I gonna go to weed store hey hey I'd like to see what what's the special thing let me get some of that weed no you go right to the big fucking jar and you go is this what's killing

motherfuckers yes it is give me fucking a bag of that I didn't get no weed right we got a weed we got tubes I got tubes I got cookies I got fucking uh I got tubes cookies I got a bunch of gummy bands oh on the way down yeah the fucking one I was fucked up yeah I'm only got no flights I was fucked up I ate a cookie I think I ate a half a cookie yes I ate a half a cookie on the way down or somewhere in the car and by the time I was going through security I was already feeling the tingles going up and down my fucking spine drag and I was giggly like I was giggly at security like when I took my belt off I thought I was Zara with some shit I was gonna whip a bitch and uh oh my god it was horrible I did not eat at the airport they have a good breakfast on that

they have a they give you like a little fruit platter to give you these two fucking little pancakes with butter on them a fruit platter with tangerines mango pineapple they give you a little cup of yogurt it was tremendous I ate that I was farting by myself I didn't watch no movies I got on the computer I roll a little bit I fucking listen to some good music and my wife put some missing persons albums on my fucking iPod and that's how I just kick back I tried to write some jokes my joke writing is horrendously bad I couldn't put nothing together but you know what sometimes you just sit there and just putting that effort in oh shit oh shit good morning good morning sir how are you my brother another day man I hear you before anything I want to

congratulate you you know that was uh tremendous your last outing but I wanted to give you a chance to breathe before I bothered you to call in so I want to congratulate you you were fucking beautiful you know and I'm not taking nothing away from Eric Silva as you said yourself you had to hit them with the fucking kitchen sink that night but yeah that's fact you were fucking beautiful bro and you're getting uh you're just getting better and better man you're more of a savage every time I see you what's happening all right not much man just uh getting ready to head to the gym um pretty much a normal morning for me to wake up and make some food and go to the gym you got the boys for the summer yeah yeah well yeah I mean I'm still married to my wife

no no no you don't I mean are they done with school already they done oh no they're only three and a half years old so they haven't started school yet oh look at you so you've been having them it's a lot of fun huh yeah man I'm a blast with them all the time you know they're growing up fast getting smart you know there's nothing they love more than the UFC so they they make it a lot of fun good for you you have a good father's day with him yeah I did you know we just went out to the to the park um we just grill some food and you know some some good healthy meat and just sat there and um hiked some trails and stuff and had a good time with Finn it's amazing how we go to the park and we just say we go to the park when you take them I have a 17-month-old

little girl when I take it to the park she just loses her fucking mind it's she touches things that are in hers she picks up scooters she's chasing fucking squirrels the other squirrel was eyeballing us yesterday I thought he was in a bias it really is uh you forget about all the simple pleasures until you have a child again it really breaks it down for you you know and I say that's that's awesome you know that's why I like living out in the closer in the country is to keep all those simple pleasures uh part of my life all the time no I've seen videos of you with you with your boys and after the last fight you brought them up to you're very tight you're doing a good thing with them you just uh taking them into the rugged world my friend I know that I

had met up there that was the first time anybody's ever I've never seen kids in octagon before after a fight have you I've never seen this uh it might have been the first time I thought you brought the whole family up right you brought the wife in there too the mother-in-law you don't give a fuck again out hey they were all in there man it was like a family reunion good for you we just it was pretty badass you know I was surprised is everybody else uh the man you know that how many kids can say they were in octagon my time they were three years old so in the real octagon not someone at the gym on the fucking corner in the real motherfucking octagon yeah no bullshit and you know that man that they love that shit so you know a lot of kids they play uh you know

that they act like they're doctors or you know superheroes or whatever my kids they run around and they they raise their arms and say I'm a UFC fighter you know so they're these these kids man they got in their blood for sure good for you man and I know you got in your fucking blood this uh you fight in San Jose correct yeah and it's funny because the other day before I contacted you I was thinking about you I saw the date in San Jose and I and I saw Robbie Lawland I go you know I know Matt Brown you know and somebody would talk to Matt Brown and go how tough is this fight gonna be and in my mind knowing you I'm like for Matt Brown there's just another fucking day in the office he's not thinking about it this this is the type of fight that it's how you

go into it and I know how Matt Brown's going into this fight he's going into this fight to knock his fucking head off in 30 seconds so uh it's how you look at things I know how you look at things you're a fucking savage what do you think my friend how you going into this well I prefer to fight equally um and I mean I mean that could be um you know if somebody on the street wanted to fight me I'd approach him equal I take very seriously uh every single man on this planet is as much of a threat as the next so um you know and Robbie Lawler um you know as opposed to many other people on this planet and Robbie Lawler's grouped himself to be a threat and you know this guy he's uh he's knocked out a lot of people he's got a lot of power he's improved a lot he's uh

the resurgence of his career again um I'm just uh going to train every day as hard as I possibly can I'm gonna be the best Matt Brown that I can possibly be and and it's uh and I think that's gonna be enough to be Robbie Lawler and that's gonna take me uh to the next level it's funny when I saw you know after Eric I love you to death Matt and that I wouldn't have you I like how you style I like your style I like how you walk around I was talking I went to Jiu Jitsu one day up at 10th planet in the morning and we were talking about your next fight or something this before we were talking about the Eric Silver fight and I was telling him that you were the first guy I saw on an elevator that you made me shit pickles and all the Hanfield who's the Jiu Jitsu teacher

at 10th planet Van Nuys said Jesus I saw him in Vegas one time I couldn't say a word you know just your energy you're so intense Matt I mean you're a sweetheart but you could see that you got something that most guys don't have like you got this little uh so what I never even thought about you and Robbie Lawler and when I saw it announced I'm like that's like a fucking Godzilla movie Godzilla versus King Kong that's it no no this is like Godzilla versus Godzilla in the 10th power like both years are like 10 fucking godzillas rolled up into one this isn't Godzilla 1982 this is Godzilla the Japanese quit by now this is just fucking savages you understand me so this is that type of fight for for the real UFC fan this is that type of fight you know so

that's why I had you come here I'm gonna guess when you guys see me on the elevator it's probably a fight that weekend there's something there the weekend I saw you I think so and I think I saw you maybe before it was Friday night like after the Wayans and you were just somewhere and you don't have to look in your eyes at that time but yeah you had a different looking you were two guys and the two guys you were with you skied over them but I couldn't believe how tall you were like I was like this fucking guy not only is he a savage but he's a fucking tall savage so yeah yeah and that was it was a couple years ago it was a while ago so four years ago maybe yeah it's actually been a while since I've been to Vegas man I miss it out there you know I find

out there when was the last time you fought in Vegas gosh man I can't remember that's been a long time that's when I saw you that weekend I went with Rogan and all the god tickets yeah I remember that yeah that might have been my last time you know but I love it out there you know it's a I fight out there so many times well you know back when the UFC used to be there all the time and you know had a pretty good group there and I know a lot of people out there and you know I'm comfortable staying hotels out there but now you know I've been out there so long but you know the the day of the fight of the day before the fight you know I'm I'm sure there's a different look in my eyes because I don't like being around fucking people you know and I don't want and I don't like meeting people

at that time and you know there's there's definitely a different feel in my mind you know I mean it's you know it's a game time you know I mean I don't fuck with nothing except for the game you know and I'm just ready to go out there do that so you know I'm sure you're passing different look on that day than you would on any other day no Matt Brown listen it's so weird like I did comedy for a long time and I putzed along and now people come to see me and they pay money it's so weird that for years before a show I would hook up with Matt Brown and actually go to dinner with you and talk shit with you and then I get to the show Matt Brown and I fucking bomb him on stage because I just I just talked to Matt Brown for a fucking hour and a half and I eat food and I

you know before a comedy show now like three hours before I don't want to see nobody I go to the gym downstairs I'll do the epileptical whatever the fuck I'm doing that week I'll come upstairs I'll wash my pussy I don't even eat dinner I just get a cup of coffee and I sit there and I get my notebook and that's all I want to do for three hours it's just sometimes I do sometimes I do a balls ass naked I just sit there with a dirty ass and write jokes and the tv's on but it's my own world you know Matt it's your own world I don't know how is it and copy I assume it's probably pretty similar like you probably get pretty nervous right I mean you have to if you don't get nervous you're not real you got to get nervous you got to get something it's got to be going through you

it gets it's the same as fighting you know and I tell people you know a lot of people I don't think we'll admit this but you know we're like right now I'm six weeks out from fighting Robbie Lawler and I'll tell people right now I'm already scared of this fucking guy I'm I'm scared and then well I say I treat every people every man on this earth with the equal respect that I'm equally afraid of every man if I had to fight if I had to fight it on somebody I've never heard of in my life situation that I'd be just as scared and every day I live scared and that's what makes me get up and go to the gym or other nearby else is because I'm scared I don't be as good a shape as I should be when I get I eat better food than all the people around

me it's because I'm scared I'm not going to be as healthy and nutritious as I should be and and the reason that I work out a little bit harder in there by us is I'm scared that I'm not going to be the best and then I did so all this fear is what motivates you to be a better stronger person and then I get in that ring of the cage and and then I'm not scared no more when there's the fear that's when I can release it and not be scared when does the fear turn into focus when does it feel like when does that fear switch after the bell gets rung after you touch it with octagon with your foot the first time there's there's there's some time in between the the warm-up and and the the bell sometime in there I did I don't think there's a for me at least there's

not a specific time it's not the same every time changes every time and for me what one of the hardest things that uh I struggle with a little bit I'm a huge music person you know and and so my walkout song I've always made a very particular towards what I feel for that fight you know every fight for me has this kind of a theme to it and a certain feel and something that that makes me you know I it's kind of hard to explain but every fight is sort of a little different of a fight for me you know I have a little bit of a different motivation so I try to put some music that makes it the right way for what I'm feeling for this fight and a lot of times if I got the right song and I hear that music the right way the speakers in the right location whatever that's when

that focus really kicks in and I got that that right song for whatever reason that that's a big thing for me um you know I don't like wearing headphones uh so that doesn't really work for me but um if I got that right so that's what really makes a difference for me and then uh sometimes you know even if I got the wrong one sometimes uh you know then it's when uh maybe when I'm the referee pat me down there's the worst time uh for me always I hate staying in there someone uh doing good do formalities I fucking hate that bullshit oh that's why you see me look out I run through the cage every time I want to get there so fucking bad at that point I just want to get there I want to be in that cage and I want to get this beer out of me I want to

whoop this motherfucker's ass and go home and fuck my wife and eat some steak god damn I want to go on stage right now you just fired me up it's um that's uh it really is people don't understand like as I'm getting on the flight to go to your town to do comedy I start getting doubts like first I get doubt first thing I get is a ton of doubt I'm not funny I got no new jokes even though I wrote every fucking day before I got there right you know and then when I get there I'm fine I say it's only be okay but like three hours before the show I gotta piss three hours before the show I don't feel good three I mean every fuck my body and my mind go through anything that they could to to scare the shit out of me and then at one point I just started hearing whipping

once I hear whipping posts by the almond brothers in my head you're fucking done you're fucking done like a half hour before I walk down to the hotel as I'm washing my fucking cock I'm in the shower I could hear whipping posts and I could hear Dwayne Almond's voice or whatever the fuck is singing and that's it your history after that that fucker does it for you after that I'm done once I get to the comedy club I can't wait to go on I gotta put up with two guys going up before me and I love them to death and they make me laugh but I'm pacing inside like a fucking animal and the harder I get before like I want people to irritate me before the show that's my thing like I'm looking for people to ask me stupid questions I'm looking for people to take out

and they play with their cell phones in front of me I'm looking for somebody to pull out hummus in front of me something to take me to the next level in anger because basically I go out on that stage and I take it out on them in a funny way like that anger becomes energy and I turn it into this funny energy so I want to be a little pissed off before I go on stage man Brown not a lot pissed off just a little tad like he stepped on my shoe he spilled coffee on me you know like that type of shit right it doesn't really change anything but for 10 minutes you're like you're a fucking idiot you know that why you gotta come in here with that starbucks coffee for you know so no fear is that mother fucker pacing right my mom I don't fucking work out today now

that that who you talk about a little bit pissed off as well I call um I'm putting the radio on the right volume you're made for driving down the road and I turn up radio all the way to max volume the speakers get a little bit fuzzy right or they blow the speakers if I turn that down just a little bit though then it's loud and the motherfucker is clear as a motherfucker that's why I try to put my body my whole time Matt Brown you're a beautiful fucking man I don't want to take any more of your time uh I think I'm gonna be in Reno that weekend uh if not I'm gonna go up there with Joe and do the show on Friday night and see you uh do your fucking thing you know I'm your number one fan I wish you all the luck in the world I love

you Matt I love what you represent Matt Brown I hope you guys make it up there I know Joe be there but I hope y'all can make it too yeah you know I I love your heart and your balls and your soul you're a fucking savage and I wish you nothing but luck I know in my heart you got this my brother right and I'm I know you're representing fucking Columbus Ohio out there and I'll see you out there at the funny bone so I don't want to take more of your time good luck man all right thank you sir thanks for firing me up I'm gonna go bust out of hard ass workout now all right go get him baby all right good luck love it stay black stop it you got it dog even UFC fighters get scared so this is what you know I would never think they do I mean I guess maybe the first time

fuck I think about it when I see him I go those guys are going somewhere to punch somebody in the face oh and that all sounds great I'm gonna go punch somebody in the face that's actually what he did to Eric Silva oh my god and Eric Silva took it and gave something back to him whoo and uh do you think you let his kids watch the fight they were there well I know they were there at the end but like what are you gonna put them in the hallway with fucking what can you imagine that oh getting like dad's getting punched but it's okay but it might not be who knows at three and a half whatever their age is what's what's what are they processing fuck it's fucking amazing and to calm them down and to listen man I love when people talk about the truth you know talk about this is why I love

when he calls yeah Matt Brown's great he uh he just broke it down for you people on a Monday morning man we're all fucking scared and that fear turns into something that's so fucking beautiful once you're doing something like you look at Matt Brown and you don't think fear like especially on fight night bro you have to the day I stopped getting nervous whether it's a set of flappers or the hot hot cafe yeah to a set in front of fucking 2000 people with Joe Rogan or something or Long Island or Columbus or fucking Santa Fe New Mexico wherever the fuck it is I always want to quit quit I don't quit quit quit quit quit not fucking right there I mean as soon as I get to the gig I'm okay okay so it's because I was gonna ask you look pretty not not you're not being an asshole

but you look confident before the show so it's all it's all earlier on the day no I'm fearing I'm just faking it okay I can't lie to you I'm faking it do you think that's kind of important to like always have but you can't like like I don't want to let nobody down but you can't let nobody down yeah why would you want to let somebody fucking down yeah I don't want to let these people down they listen to the podcast they fucking work hard they pay they come down they smoke dope they take a fucking pot cookie you know I want them to put that what are you giggling about you know I'm saying I want them to at least get to feel who the fuck I am some night you can't be fucking hilarious all the fucking nights but I want you to leave they're going he's the same

guy who listens on the podcast he ain't no he ain't bullshitting me he ain't fucking no I want people leaving I want you to hug me I want you to take a picture man I don't give a fuck if you buy a t-shirt or fucking patch you don't buy anything just that you show up that that fear when people say to your man thank you for helping me out that gives me more fear like I go home and go Jesus Christ three people came up to me and said that my comedy helps them out now I got it right you know people always send emails last night I think I answered 60 something email 40 of them are people thanking us people thanking us people saying you know what the evolutionally you know uh miss pat uh Gabriel you know guests what you talk about but you know what guys you have no idea

what you do for me because now I have to be that much better I have to think of ways to entertain you I have to think of ways to I never want to suck in front of nobody you know how much pressure that is you know much pressure this from A to Z wanting to be fucking perfect for these people on a Friday and Saturday night and you're not people going to leave that pissed off some guy didn't get a picture some guy didn't get to tell me his fucking story of his childhood I was father hit him in the head with a hammer you know because it's always something I get an email bro you don't let me tell you so I got 200 people there there's 200 people there and we got a fucking we got to talk to everybody I want to give everybody a hug I want to see what they're about I want the people

that fuck with me on Twitter go hey man I'm h822 and they got a fine ass wife and the wife put on a tremendous skirt and she's smiling that's what makes my dick hard so now I gotta be that much fucking better man I just can't be a regular fucking schmuck you know I'm off the next three fucking weeks I'm on a writing spell I'm taping a thing for Ari on the ninth okay I think and then we're doing a dice thing on the seventh you know besides that I'm gonna go back on the road heavy in the fucking winter you know it's not like it used to be like I could just sit there no more it makes me fucking nervous but that nervous turns into fear which makes me fucking better you know I'm saying yeah what's up we look at the shape of you I'm pretty fucking high oh how are you gonna

work today how you gonna do Steve some I don't know why do you do this to you so did you watch the fights on Saturday no did you yeah my dad and I we got the fucking I was working yeah what do you think I want I was gonna ask him because I put something up because the the the main card there was the the I mean the mighty mass fight was cool but a lot of the fights were a little bit uh they didn't have they didn't have like any like the highlights they were kind of either draws or or one guy just killed someone and I put on there uh the the fights were a little bit boring like do you do you think he even a thinks a fight could be boring or b does he think about that like when he's fighting like I want to make this entertaining you should have asked him I was fucking hot you

gotta get it together like what do you think like like some people like yeah the fights were boring and some people like man fucking any fights a fucking I want to go on stage I want to go on stage every night my dream is to go on stage every night and the first three minutes to be very high energy okay four or five minutes to just sweep them off their feet I want that the energy of the room to change and then I want to talk to you 15 minutes and then I'm gonna fuck you up for 20 minutes that's my plan okay that's my fucking plan the first three minutes my plan is when I get on stage I want it to be improvised about the area or about the situation we're in so we all feel the same thing I don't want it to be a fucking joke I want it to be uh an observational something

something that we're all seeing together because now that all connects us bam that all connects us and we're all anyway that connects us right there next thing you know we talk we get to know each other we laugh maybe you see my views whatever you know then we're gonna go for 18 17 minutes and I want to punch in the fucking face every 22 seconds I want to punch in the face with the last being three knees to your fucking neck to knock you out that's my plan when I go on stage okay that's my plan okay that's what I want you to I want you to leave there going I don't even know what the fuck you said something about doing coke with a cat or something about breaking into somebody's house and eating that put what the fuck was he talking about that I did my job that's

what I that's my goal and then for you to take a picture of me and for you to hug me and for us to laugh for me to tell you your wife is fucking hot you're gonna go home and choke her you know like her pussy has on fire whatever the fuck we have a minute together and you get to live it with me we're all together that's what I want sometimes that doesn't happen sometimes there's there's somebody in the room that puts a bad energy on it they're not laughing so the tables around them are scared to laugh you know my first three minutes I might say fuck too much the middle I might pick it up and the last 17 minutes was great but not the punches because the waitresses were dropping checks okay so things happen I can't what I want to happen and what's gonna happen is

two different things right some nights the stars are lying and it fucking happens bro and some nights they don't I just want you to leave there going he was okay tonight whatever but his heart was in it you know in my heart tonight I don't even want to call it in I did a couple shows at rogan two years ago in Milwaukee where I was just terrible the the the room was wrong for me the people on the lineup didn't fucking motivate me I got lost in myself I was eating too many edibles I don't even want that to happen I don't I want you to come to the show I want you to pay the 20 bucks and for you to feel fucking great when you leave whether I talked about stabbing a cat in the fucking neck or choking your wife or throwing her out of the fucking car it doesn't matter it's that we all

had a good time we connected for fucking one hour bro that's what matters and all this to work on Twitter when we fucking back and forth and much love Joey and have a good day all that shit paid off we have something special here right that nobody ever fucking dreamed of I get to meet these Twitter people I get to meet ten a weekend bro you know this weekend Lady J showed up I mean it's just so many people Lou Greco showed up me and Lou have done emails for two or three years yeah these are people that we've grown on each other the fucking album cover I wasn't gonna bring it from Black Sabbath my dick is hard I just got to figure out what to do with it because I I want to frame it in a way that shows all the aspects of it you know okay album cover uh let me

give some shout outs I'm getting emotional here you mother fuckers always do this to him Nick McDonald I love you cocksucker Lady J thank you for the the pens and the little presence of my daughter she loved it and stuff she was fucking hitting it Fred Guy cocksucker I love you Joe Perez sexy Carolina belong on the sexy as little freaking a boyfriend came to the show she's beautiful who the fuck was the C and J Ortiz I love you a nice little couple it's the podcast I guess he lets the fucking come on her neck while the podcast is on Lou Greco what the fuck cocksucker thank you for the album and Derek Burch you black motherfucker loves you more than me you know I'm saying what the fuck what the fuck and for anybody I forgot anybody from Long Island

that came up to me you know I love you people I love you with all my heart I got so many people asking for shout outs it's overwhelming but we try to put everybody together I got some good fucking stories for you people well hold on first of all on it on it dot motherfucking calm the masters the makers of hemp force protein which I had to shake this morning with a little glutamine it was fucking tremendous with some water I feel great I haven't farted yet and smelt the fucking way far and nothing like that out of this fucking sensation I can't say all the good things about I got off the plane yesterday first thing I did was I mixed a little fucking turn around 180 look how high you are a little turn around 180 with some water I drank that hung out

once Mercy went to sleep I took a two hour nap oh I gotta tell you about something why took the fucking nap I didn't know I was gonna take the nap and I ate a half a cookie right I ate a half of that super strength cookie and me and my wife were talking and she goes Joe you should take a nap because I'm gonna take a nap I said she goes I'm gonna take a nap but then baby what are you gonna do I go I'm everybody's gonna take a nap I might as well take a nap I wanted to stand with my wife next thing you know I wake up like at 3 30 Lee when I got up I was so high I spun around like I spun around like you did that night outside and I kept thinking of you I couldn't stop spinning I couldn't find my other slipper and I kept spinning around looking for

the fucking slip and I I spun around I must have spun around Lee and then I almost fell I'm looking for my fucking robe and I had to drink my wife's like what are you gonna do now I go drink coffee because I'm back to ground zero I took a fucking cup of coffee at 3 30 in the afternoon I had to get back in the shower wash my pussy and I came out but listen we're talking about honnet.com I'm sorry yeah on it for all your fucking needs whether it's the fucking hemp force whether it's the strong bone whether it's the shroom tech sport or whether you want to get some ropes I can't get you to 10% discount for the ropes and the working out stuff whenever you use the discount code use church it's for church CHU or CH if you're gonna use the code it's only

for supplements so always know that up front I'm not bullshit nobody but listen they also have a program uh uh uh on it stay on it where they mail you your products once a month if you don't check with honnet.com once a week they add new stuff every week every week you see why they're the leader in fucking supplements out there like doches fucking pushing them so many fucking people in the MMA game are pushing them I mean you know them for alpha brain but if you have any doubt they got other shit there that you could take a look at go on uh go on honnet.com whether it's the shroom tech or the sport has helped me dramatically I love to tell you that I can't feel the difference but I do sometimes when I work I just take a baby aspirin just for my heart

but sometimes I take a baby aspirin two fucking shroom tech sports it's a complete different fucking world and you know me a long time I wouldn't bullshit you whether you're taking jujitsu whether you're going across fitness whether you're jumping up and down whether you want to fuck the shit out of somebody for three hours and you want more oxygen in your blood give shroom tech sport I push it constantly because it's helped me tremendously at jujitsu and I'm a fat fuck I got no reason why number two hulu plus listen let me tell you something huluplus.com is fucking tremendous they change constantly and from time to time I gotta look at the fucking list because I don't know but listen they got a ton of fucking kid shows also hulu plus works if you

have kids I didn't notice my wife has been using hulu plus from fucking sesame street they got a ton fraggle rock they got a ton of fucking kid shows on there they got movies they got tv shows modern family daily show if you never watched these shows you could start now and catch up and you have a mr. fucking thing you understand me shark tank grim the originals the vampire diaries the goldbergs you know this salmon cat dragon ball z the fucking old school law and order nashville the cosby show fucking dirt rock from the sun I mean I'm not fucking with you people give hulu plus a try today why fuck around listen what we're gonna do it's 799 a month but because you're hanging with the church you get two weeks for free on the fucking arm free free

free that's what hulu.com does that's what uncle joey does for you go to joeydears.net get yourself a patch a t-shirt a hat but why are you there go to huluplus.com box and press what press joey joey joey why I could see how enthusiastic you are I forgot huluplus.com two weeks for free 799 a month if you see a commercial on tv what do they tell you 799 a month fuck all that shit press joey in the box and get two weeks on the arm for fucking free number two I can't tell you enough listen it's after father's day why fuck around if you fucked up yesterday you want to surprise your father why give him some stupid fucking time what are you gonna do give him a wallet you're taking him out to lunch hook him up with dollarshaveclub.com why fuck around you don't need no bells

and whistles on your raises neither does your dad who needs a fucking flashlight or a lantern or some fucking squirter for your little asshole you don't need no that stuff go to fucking dollarshaveclub.com why stand on line why buy fucking junk why be a mook and hang out at some fucking pharmacy till midnight because you forgot raises you don't need that shit go to dollarshaveclub.com right now right now today you can get the one dollar the six dollar a month package or the nine dollar a month package nine dollars a month you're the top of the line you get four fucking double raises a month you already got the stick if you want to order the post-shave fucking lotion or the pre-shave lotion you get them they got the fucking shaved milk it eliminates

the fucking ingrown hairs plus they got the one wipe charlie's for your asshole that's not included in the nine ninety in the nine dollar program if you don't can't afford nine dollars a month go with the six dollars a month i'm talking six dollars a month for razors you think i'm bullshitting you go go yourself test out and see how much the price of fucking razors are go down there like an asshole waste your time stand on line or you can just go to joeydeers.net go to the fucking dollar shave club blocks and press church church ch you are ch get razors sent directly to your house save time that's what i'm talking about here look at how i yell i leave because of his plane flying he fucking waste three fucking hours you don't need to fucking waste we're talking about time

you don't have enough of it left time fucking flies one minute i was hanging out at central park trying to fucking mug some half a fag and here i am 30 years later with fucking the flying jude doing a podcast it went like this you don't have a lot of it why fuck around time is of the essence you don't understand that fucking some pharmacy go to dollarshaveclub.com and order your razors today a dollar six dollars and nine dollars what's the code church church and that's what you get that's what you get cucks like also to one of my favorite fucking people in the world not only do they have an exceptional product but the customer service is fucking numero uno my people at escape pod tank dot com i hear nothing but good things a leader a leader in flotation tanks they got just a tank

model going out they got 150 off to just a tank model but if you mention us you get 250 getus detus off the price of a fucking tank you could save that however the hell you want already they're going to save you thousands on any tank whether it's industrial residential commercial whatever the fuck you want to do with it whether you're a plumber you want to install it whether you want to install in your house i don't give a fuck with you take up a flotation tank i suck in here anyway call jeremy on the 800 fucking line i'll go to escape pod tank dot com and take a look at what they got jeremy's always there to help you with all your fucking needs he'll save you money along the way they'll ship it out to you you could install it with some plumber they'll make the

fucking plans go to escape pod tank dot com today get your fucking flotation tank today get it started today you could be fucking floating by december that's how they do it you know what i'm saying lee what's the story how high are you i can't i'm pretty high when are you gonna stop the fucking you want another vapor no thank you why not no thank you i don't want another fucking vapor hit to knock you out i am fucked i have to be to get no sun you're the only jeweler don't get no sun it's fucking hot down there we couldn't go anywhere how hot was it fucking like 90 degrees but it was like the wet kind like it's human did you bring a bikini with you no you didn't bring shorts shorts i didn't bring a bikini you bring flip flops no so your feet were sweating the whole

time they're fucking my feet are in socks i don't want who wants fucking people well you don't like you hate sandals especially down there your feet are in 90 degree at least your feet are gonna get sweaty so we got nice socks on your shoes that's not your feet not gonna get sweaty they breathe the heat is up on top you're free no it's not dude down not down there you see your lizards yeah those are fucking weird what'd you learn finally i learned oh the my dad's complex the dogs are so old that the women walk them around in strollers i saw these 80-year-old women pushing dogs around in strollers because the dogs couldn't walk anymore it's amazing what the average age is down oh my god it's amazing once you go to florida you just fucking surround it with it

look what is happening they're like oh the dog is so old now they can't walk even the dog is fucking old right everybody's fucking old it seems like it's uh i couldn't imagine winter lunch i was like i can't imagine being a server here everyone was like can you turn down the ac oh they're fucking driving can i bring a little slaw this has too much butter in it oh no my cholesterol what the caloric intake on it what is the fucking cat listen lady what the fuck get it together cock suck i'm not here asking questions something really weird uh happened sadly also that it doesn't fuck with me but it's just uh it just makes me think about life and the things that i did so when i'm talking to regina's son uh he says to me that after i contacted a couple of friends

contacted him and that uh one of them he told the one cousin in particularly that he was going to contact me and the cousin he goes what happened between you and her and i go i don't know and he goes you got to read what she fucking wrote oh my godly she's like he's an active comedian he was a friend of hers but do not contact him do not contact him he's an awful person he did terrible things when he was growing up she goes i don't know why people were even fucking talk to him you know and it's i couldn't believe it i mean it did knock me off my feet never i know that listen going in i already knew that's how three quarters of the people i grew up would feel about me yeah three quarters of them you know what i'm saying but when they were snorting coke with me and

they were jumping up and down it was all good it was years later that they came to a religious awakening and they said oh my god what happened when he was young was fucking horrible but they didn't take nothing else into it but you know what i don't fucking live my life for them so it really doesn't mean anything to me you know but it's amazing what people remember from 30 years ago and they were never going to give me a chance you know uh there's this uh charity that contacts me maybe the last five years that's done out of my hometown and they always say hey we're doing that benefit again this year if you're in town you know so they're like if you're doing a gig locally you could come on by and do the gig for us but they always ask like are you gonna be in

locally so what you're telling me is so a friend of mine called me and i think we've discussed this before no podcast a friend of mine called me and she said looks at you would make me look like a star if you showed up to one of these benefits and i said i have no reason not going to one of these benefits but here's my argument okay let's say i go in my pocket i leave my wife and my kid to get on a plane on a thursday fucking morning to fly six hours we all know what that's like yeah to go through security drive 50 minutes and fucking you know get up at 3 30 in the morning to get down you know i don't fuck around i get to new york i gotta get a fucking cab that's 40 or 50 out of my pocket go to a hotel which is a day out of my pocket i gotta get dinner

that all comes out of my pocket to do that benefit okay and then i'm gonna get back in the cab and then fly back so it's 12 hours just in the air the two hours before reporting for each thing is 14 is 12 plus four is 16 plus the fucking hour to get home and prepare so that's another two hours on each on the way down and back so i'm putting like 20 hours of effort in not to mention uh you know 600 700 for a plane ticket to new york hotel accommodations meals and transportation it's gonna cost me 1200 plus or whatever now i'm not putting a cost it's a great benefit to perform but these are the people that i didn't grow up with these guys they're a little younger than i am and they just heard these stories so what you're telling me is if i'm

locally i'm good enough to drop in and do the fucking benefit but you won't lift the rock to fucking pay me so i thought about this for a long time because for like three years they've contacted me and they've asked and i don't mind but here's my argument they're gonna feel the same way about me after i leave whether i charge them or i do it for free oh yeah you understand where i'm coming from yeah that's not gonna change half the people are gonna go there or just to watch me and seize and figure out what i did you follow me like figure out like i did a benefit in hoboken seven years ago and let's say there was 400 people in the room i knew maybe a hundred of them and 70 of them were there just to cheer me down really oh please i knew it i knew i knew the reason why

they were there they weren't my friends growing up now they show up they want to shake my hand they weren't my fucking friends growing up i knew who my friends were i remember who at least was there for me halfway and i remember who shunned me completely do you follow i'm saying to you who just shunned me completely so it was just really weird so i made this call my love so this this time they really wanted me to show up because i was there last year at that time and i didn't know it i just flew in that thursday afternoon i didn't know it and then that friday i did got them but this year i tried for the date and then i started thinking i go listen you know what man the least they could do is pay for the fucking i won't charge them for the show but they got to

cover everything else you know that's why i told my friend frank i said frank i don't mind doing it but they got to cover everything else because you know at the end of the day they're not going to feel no different about me they don't like me they don't fucking like me they're all going to make their whispers around me that he robbed the jewelry he robbed somebody we knew he robbed the jewelry store he robbed the drug dealer we knew so but it really doesn't matter what you do in this life like i what i do today is never that i did what i did in north bergen because i could never relive those things i could never i did some bad things you know it's not like i raped and lit hot fires and killed kids or nothing like that i robbed a lot of motherfuckers and i'm here to tell you i made a

lot of fucking mistakes you know i'm saying and some people deserved it and others didn't some were my friends but i was just a desperado for drugs and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and i've made and i've apologized to a lot of people if you know anything about me man i've called a lot of people i've pulled a lot of people aside and said listen i never forgot what happened if you'd want me to give you a monetary damage i will if not let's just shake hands and move on they'll tell me i forgot all about it bro don't even worry but i knew where your head was at i had a girl i apologized to because i robbed the drug dealer boy from the hers and she came to one of my shops years ago when i pulled her aside like oh hey and she goes listen i broke up with him years later

at the time it was really bad but years later i would have done it he was an asshole you know it doesn't mean whatever he was i was still wrong for fucking robbing the guy right so i i don't expect a lot of people to forgiveness and i'm gonna ask them for forgiveness i really don't give a fuck i know the people that deserved me going up to them and putting my hand out and i do it once a week once a week i find somebody on facebook or something and i head them up and i ask them for a number and though and i and you know what's crazy that i apologized on facebook to maybe 20 people and other 20 people maybe five have contacted me back really and i've gone to see if they check the message and if they've posted after and they have and they read the thing and probably just

moved on with their fucking lives so it's really weird how some people just they're stuck in their lies but they're stuck in the same way i was stuck before i got locked up it was the same way i was stuck before a little while after i got out of prison i never learned how to claim responsibility for my actions do you know what i'm saying i you're gonna stay stuck in your fucking life until you claim responsibilities for your actions and uh what do you mean what do you mean by that if i sat here and told you i never did nothing wrong that the reason i did things were because my mother died i didn't get social security and i got no will that's different than for me looking you in the eye and going no i robbed people from my cocaine addiction and just because i didn't give

a fuck there's a big difference link yeah you know when i kidnapped Kent Vella i remember going to see the da and he's the first guy that told me that he goes you sat here for an hour and told me all the reasons why you kidnapped somebody in that whole time you didn't apologize you weren't remorseful i didn't know what he was saying and then i went to see my probation officer you have to before you go to sentencing they interview you and they give the report to the judge okay and she was from the same neighborhood i was in new york city this lady went to the same grammar school she went to a Catholic high school i forgot what her name was now it was 30 fucking years ago but at the end of that report she said the same thing about me he was fucking he'll never get in trouble

again but we talked to three hours and he told me all the reasons why you kidnapped this guy but none of the reasons why you know he was wrong nobody ever tells you that they're wrong nobody always tells you the reasons why they were wrong nobody could just look you in the eye and go hey man but it doesn't it's not at that point changing my life wasn't when i apologized to people changing my life was when i apologized to myself do you follow me for for for chucking and jiving because in your life you could just chuck and jive so fucking much i was a chucker and a jiver bro you know i don't know what that means i'm like what are you talking i mean it's nice that you i bobbed and we don't know but you're saying like you're sorry for not giving it your all or like

what i'm saying is that i never moved forward in my life until i came to grips with that that i had done these things okay and that i was wrong you have to admit that you were wrong not that everything else was wrong that's why you did it i did it because uh uh you you told me i was what the fuck are you talking about i had a girl tell me one time she cheated on me because i didn't tell her i loved her no you're a dick sucker by trade it's in your fucking dna you love sucking dick and the week after that she sucked somebody else's dick but they always cover it up with something instead of just saying you know what i did it because i did it and when i robbed these people in the early 80s because i left north bergen 85 i didn't cause havoc in north bergen ever again ever again

nothing i never did nothing bad north bergen after 85 because i didn't live there so all these things i talked about were 85 what year is it 14 we're almost going on 30 years well you follow me so i didn't come to terms with all this shit till 90 91 was when i became when i got on that stage and i started claiming responsibility for myself was when i moved forward dramatically in my life it was like i went from fucking the fourth grade to freshman year like i had advanced that much that's how much you will advance in your fucking life if you claim responsibility that's how much you just lose all this fucking baggage you have on you it is just fucking amazing but to see people that are in their 40s and still fucking not saying no i didn't do it me i'm telling you for for

andi janu to write this shit on to whatever yes it throws me off for a second and then i say to myself what the fuck is she talking about you know this is 30 years ago and she's still burying me and no it didn't i never redeemed myself as a human being because i got in the movie with denaro that's not why i redeemed myself i redeemed myself because i claim responsibility and i know this but if she ever gave me the chance i don't want the chance from her because i never like those people anyway yeah that was my other thing that some of these people didn't like me but i didn't really give a fuck because i didn't like them so they did me a fucking favor i knew they were fucking fake people you know what i'm saying and it made sense because a bunch of her friends had contacted me

before i went to the stress factory and told me how they were coming to the show and they said hello you know because they saw me in some stupid movie but by the time it came to the stress factory but a lot of those friends didn't show up but that girl's brother came to the stress factory really yeah so do you think like do you think they're just like them not owning up are they saying like they're do you they're jealous or like why do you think they're doing it because if they're saying you're a bad person what are they hiding they're not jealous man they just uh has not do with jealousy it has to do with i don't know i don't know it has to do with they're not letting it go or them uh i really can't answer that link i don't know what

people's motives are to not let things go or see people from a different light or something like that maybe you don't want to see people from a different light i do the same thing but listen man if you did something 30 years ago in north bergen i still talk to you if you you reach out to me i'll reach out to you i don't guess how bad it was you know me i don't give a fuck that was 30 fucking years ago my friend joey fulano was a fucking nut that's why you think joey fulano lives in st louis because he wants to live in st louis he pissed off a lot of people too it's a beautiful day to be a live cock suckers monday june 16 we'll leave it with that if you're not going to claim responsibility for your fucking actions you're always going to be stuck i was one

of those people i was stuck till i was fucking 30 because it was always the world around me it was never about what i had done fuck all that shit climb up to it you heard the fucking man today matt brown we all live with some type of fucking fear i mean that motherfucker blew my mind today when we started talking about fear so it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive get your shit together wednesday i'm gonna be on the rogan podcast so we don't know if we're doing the podcast wednesday we'll probably do a church thursday or something like that okay all right people so don't fucking panic never fear uncle joey's here the dates next friday and saturday the 27th to 28th i'm at the ice house with dom motherfucking a rubber co-headlining go to joeydiers.net

for all the dates for the fall i'm gonna put them up there today or tomorrow what else do i need to do i need to do a couple fucking things that's it people i love you cock suckers stay black thank you for listening and i hope you have a fucking tremendous week now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus that's been on thousands of the fit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydiers.net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollshaveclub.com get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to

dollshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeydiers.net and click on the dollshave club banner and thank you to escapepodtank.com go there mention joeydiers and get 250 off of your subject of probation change 250 cock suckers have a good day so tears of the feeble hands of the slaves skin of the mother miles of the base building the towers belongs to the sky when the whole thing comes crashing down don't ask me why don't ask me why why

under the shelf the shelf of the sky to rise to suns to heavenly blind swallowing rivers belongs to the sea when the whole thing washes away don't run me i'll be going down for the rest of the slide while the rest of you harm it's the world and the rest of you is the death of you

and the rest of you is the break in the fall i'm the rest of you i'm the death of you i'm the rest of you i'm the break in the fall uh Blowing the beat, this belongs to the wind When the whole thing blows away, I won't pretend No, I'll be going down for the rest of the ride While the rest of you harvest the bone

And the rest of you is the death of you And the rest of you is the break in the fall I'm the rest of you, I'm the death of you I'm the rest of you, I'm the break in the fall And the rest of you is the death of your own And the rest of you is the death of your own And the rest of you, I'm awake in the soul And the rest of you, home is the soul

And the rest of you, home is the soul And the rest of you, home is the soul