Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #188 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 20, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Steve Simeone. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 06/20/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and french toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code JOE, that's naturebox.com promo code JOE. This podcast is also brought to you by onit.com. Go there for all of your nutrients, they have alpha brain, immune, shrimp tech sport, anything

use code word church and get 10% off. Thank you to naileditlife.com for the premier vapor print on the market, which you can use oil and wax in. Go to naileditlife.com, mention JOE Diaz and get 20% off. What's going on here, cock suckers? Fuck that up again, that time, right there, right there, right there, it's June 20th, Friday, June 20th, you bad motherfuckers, NWA in the house, what, if you're gonna wake up with somebody who's better than a fucking nigga to wake up with, what, we're going deep

today on the church of what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers, little NWA here, dick this shit, are you fucking kidding me or what, June 20th, the day the devil was gang raped and they gave him a shot for chlamydia in his asshole, what, where's the wiggle in the house, where's the wiggle, see, grabbing his nuts, did you grab your fucking nuts today, it's Friday the 20th, grab the motherfuckers to loot the flag and realize you're a fucking American, cock sucker, what? Are you fucking kidding me or what, welcome to the church of what's happening now, good morning, special Friday edition, I couldn't put you out there with a half a fag, you know

what I'm saying, I couldn't put you out there like walking around today, you're going out, it's Friday, you're getting a paycheck, you're gonna get a package from the fucking drug dealer, you're gonna get your dick sucked and your balls licked like a fucking sergeant, tonight baby, it's a nonstop battle but it starts right here with the church of what's happening now, I got my main motherfuckers in the house, Steve Simone out of Philly, my man to fly in due direct from Jerusalem, are you kidding me or what, what's happening brother? Not much dude, it's been an interesting couple hours with you, you texted me last night, when you texted me, I went to Paula's like, look who texted me, she's like, I thought

I didn't text, I'm like oh shit, someone must be going down, I was so fucking high last night, it was going down last night, you understand me, let me tell you something, my biggest fear is needles, my biggest fear is needles in the world, I hate going for them, you know when I cop to them, when you call me and go Joe, you have to come in for a shot or something, I go yeah, and I play it off and the night before, I'm a fucking mess, like the night before, before I go to bed it hits me as I put the sleep apnea mask on, that I gotta go for a shot, so I'm always a little fucked up weeks that I'm gonna get a blood test, a shot in my knee, even acupuncture, the night before it bothers me for like three minutes,

acupuncture not anymore, because I'm used to it, yesterday I had to go shoot my knee, so. You needed to drive to do it, what's your name? I had to drive to Marina Del Rey, which you know, and they put like this little thing on your knee, they scope it and he could see the knee and the joint, the cartilage and he shoots it right into your fucking knee, I'm looking at you two guys from my heart and telling you I didn't feel the needle, Dr. Nicole is a genius, I've been going, Dr. Nicole did my surgery, you know he took care of my toe when I broke it, my wrist when I heard

it was getting thrown at fucking jujitsu, he took care of this knee and yesterday you know I had to pay for the medication, even normal level one insurance, it's a new drug, they shot my left knee and it's not cortisone, and my left knee was different because they have to give me three different shots every week for three different weeks, so I had to drive down there every Monday at 11 o'clock. This was six months ago and it controls the arthritis and it creates like a seal around your cartilage and it repairs the cartilage, it helps to repair the cartilage to give you that cushion in the knee, so yesterday morning I had to go, that was all I had on my agenda

yesterday and you know me dog, I'm a fucking pussy, you know the reason why I get fired up like this Lee isn't because I get fired up and I'm some fucking asshole, I have to talk myself into things, you have to talk yourself into things and you have to call yourself a fucking faggot, a fucking cunt, whatever it takes you know, so you know me I get to the 405 in this traffic, right away I'm turning that motherfucker around, you know right away I'm turning that motherfucker around, I went by off the 101 Lee, whatever your fucking name is Steve Simone, the fucking cars at 1015 were past Sepoverda, oh yeah, so do you understand me like the Sepoverda exit was packed where a lot of people mistake themselves

and get caught in that, that's why when I go to the 405 I stay in the left hand lane because if you're not thinking of your stone that's people like me, you get caught in that line and all of a sudden when you get to it you're not waiting for 405, you're waiting for Sepoverda but not yesterday, yesterday the Sepoverda line was all the way back to the Laurel Canyon and the 405 line, Lee knows I'm talking about, until about 11 o'clock if you get in that line for the 405 you're gonna be there for 40 minutes, for 40 minutes if you're a fucking asshole, you feel like an asshole but you have to cut in line, that loop to get from the 101 to the 405 to go south is gonna be 30-40 minutes, they weren't

letting nobody on, nobody was letting it cut yesterday, so I passed it and I go I'm not going to the doctor, right away the pussy of me came out, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna smoke some pot fuck this motherfucker, fuck that I got off at Haskell, and at Haskell you get off and you hit Ventura and you hit Ventura in Sepoverda and guess what? No line, no line, and I got on there and I even called the doctor, it was 1020 and my appointment was 11, I even called and said I'm gonna be 15 minutes late because I looked at the traffic, it was bumper to bumper and I thought they closed the HOV lane, I realized I was in the HOV lane, they had put poles on this lane and off the outside, I got there

10 to fucking 11, I walked in there, walked upstairs, I had my pot on, I put on fucking bushes, great as it, he came in, I mean I was in my car by 1130, in my car, so there was no thought, like usually once I get to the doctor's office if there's thought about the shot, that even scares the fuck out of me, I get nauseous, I get pale, you go right in the girl and I want to thank Miranda, she works for them and it's funny because when I first started going to Miranda, well the doctor, Nicole, the first visit, everybody was nice to me and the second visit the girl came in and she goes you know my uncles fucking love you and they're like fucking thugs like they fucking love you dog, she takes care

of me and she calls me Uncle Joey because I'm her uncle, so like next Friday they'll be at the ice house, they'll come up with, she comes up with her family, the cousins are all yoked up, in fact when I was there yesterday, like they want to know when you're going to do a jujitsu tournament, you know, is that true that you're fighting Boyo Trieste and Meta Morris and shit, like they always bust me, so I don't even have to call the office, I just hit her up on Facebook and go Miranda I want to come in for my knee and she'll set it all up, so I thank the last night, I got to send like a box of yum yum donuts or something down there, what's up cocklicka, nothing, I can already feel this

goomy coming in, so, day fucking three of Lisa Yacht's workout, I'm very proud of him, I'm trying, he's trying, he knows, he knows, and the thing you told me was going to happen happened, so yeah, the first day I went early in the day and I liked it but it was fucking, I slept the rest of the day, like I got home, your body went to shock, you did 15 months on the epileptical, I was going to try to watch you on Rogan and I couldn't do that, I watched a little bit but I probably passed out and I slept probably from then, I woke up for like a couple hours but mostly all day and then yesterday, Paula came over so we wanted to go later in the afternoon and I was worried it was going to be packed, it wasn't, they

have a lot of machines over there, but I did, I could do 15 on the elliptical instead of 10, I was dying, and then I went to the bike and a lot of people say that they get motivated by like the really, the really fit people and it doesn't do anything for me because I know I'm never going to be able to do that, so I looked for the fat people and I'm like yeah, there's other fat people here and I just happened to be next to a chubby black guy and Paula finished a little bit before me and I said I just want to get to 15 minutes on the bike because I was at like 6 and as soon as I got off at 15 on the dot and as soon as I got off the black guy tapped me on the shoulder, he's like you got to 15,

right? I'm like yeah, he's like good for you for coming out man, it takes a lot of mental stuff and he's like I've been coming for two months, I went from 315 to 298 and I was like that's it, it did everything because I was dying, but like just that little bit of night because I would never do it, but that little bit of niceness and I was like, I'm going to look for him again now. It's amazing from when you were a kid and you try to do something for yourself and people goof on you.

Yeah, break your balls. Like if, I can't imagine, I can feel it, like you got up in the morning somebody's doing push ups, hey rock, keep it up, you know it's like you get tortured, that's changed, that's changed. When you go to a gym now and you see it's like this time I'm at the wine, I see somebody that's five years older than me, 50 pounds heavier than me walking and when they get off I give them a fucking, good for you, and they feel good. You know what, remember Christie Miller, I was telling these guys in the podcast that

Christie Miller used to work at the Gold Gym on Gower, the fucking capital of Guinness, the gym. Is it still there? I think so. Is it still there? This is 15 years ago, this girl cared about me and one day she pulled me aside, she didn't want embarrassment, she goes, Joey I think the world of you, before I quit Golds I signed you up for the executive platinum deal, boy you got to do a show up.

Lee, it took me three months, I would drive there and look at the building and fucking, no parking, no parking, because there's never any parking, and one day I said this girl went out of her way to get me a membership and I went in there, and I didn't even think about doing the machines or the epileptical, and I was so fucking far behind, I went right for the bench press and the fucking curls and squats and I'm killing myself and I had to be at that time, maybe 360, it was the beginning of the end, and every night man, and whatever, so what, they were gay, so what, they come up to you and go listen man we're here for you.

Wow. One guy came up to me and goes I've been watching you, work on your phone, but he goes I want you to take it easy, he goes I come here every night and I see that you come, people are very supportive at the gym, it's not fucking, the country is suffering from an epidemic that we didn't know it was going to come to this. What is kind of fucked up that we have to pay to go somewhere to work out, like if we told someone who are farmers, hey we have to pay money to go get exercise, like what are you talking about, just go out in the field and do work, I thought about that as

I was paying the thing, I'm like it's kind of fucked up that we have to pay to go to the gym. You're programmed for that, you're programmed to exercise, your body needs it, but as technology started to make life easier, that's why you need to get in. Listen, all these parks now, especially in Hollywood, North Hollywood, New Valley, whether you go to this park, there's a park called Moore Park, it's a kids park, they have a basketball court there, if you look deep, deep, deep in the baseball courts on the other side, there's a walkway, there's a thing that you can walk because I take Mercy up there.

Oh that's great. Mercy isn't like playing at that park, she likes running around and playing at that field, but in the corner there's a workout area, they have a puller bar and a squat machine and it's all body weight, if you go to North Hollywood Park, theirs is phenomenal, phenomenal, they have the treadmill without the machine that you're doing it, your legs better be moving because there's no control, so you get on that motherfucker and your legs start fucking shaking, you don't know what to do. North Hollywood Park is the greatest secret if you want to lose weight, like now I'm lazy

but when I first moved here, my wife doesn't get up to eight or seven or my wife leaves early in the morning, I would drop her off and park at North Hollywood Park and get super stoned in the fucking car, super jacked up and I'd walk four times around there, you walk around North Hollywood Park four times, see what happens to you, see what happens to you. Oh and that's perfect but I don't know about for you, for me I needed to pay to go to the gym because I'm never going to go to Hollywood. Right, you won't go, you're Jewish, you pay, now you got to get what's coming to you and

then when they start hitting you for the 60's and the 70's, you know I told them not to go to like L.A. fitness, there's a lot of gyms around here just rip you off, they might be signing a contract, dog it's 2014, we ain't signing no fucking contracts and I know that it raises your commitment level to some degree but at the other degree the gyms don't give a fuck about your commitment, they give a fuck about your money, you know if somebody really cares about you they care about your health, you're following me, after a while you go in and fill out paperwork that you don't have a job and they'll give you a scholarship if you could show that you're a fucking worthless sack of shit, if you're just a worthless sack

of shit and don't want to get a job it looks like you're walking around the fucking North Hollywood. But if not it looks like you're, and Pete, I'm telling you man, people are supportive in these gyms, they're not there to fucking put you down, they're not there giggling at you like they were in high school and when you see somebody fat and you make eye contact with them, that means the world to them, that means the world to them, you know I really want to get this thing going where I like to get like a club of jiu-jitsu guys that are over 40 to get together once a week somewhere in North Hollywood and maybe wrestle out in

the fucking North Hollywood park or something, guys over 40, the guys are the my aides I can really judge, no ego that I can really judge my what I'm doing because part of the guy, the problem when you go to jiu-jitsu now and you're 50, you're rolling around with guys that are 25, you know, and it sucks ass, they got shit that you don't got, I mean the 25 year gap really sucks, you know, it really fucking makes a difference so, but no, Lee, I'm proud of you that you made the choice, and you, and I cut Diet Coke out, that's gone, just water, you're 25 years old, and you know what, it's all, I wish I was 25 years old now, yeah, to tell you how easy it, it could be when, because you don't want

to do this when you're 40, when you're 40, they're gonna come a time, you're gonna gain 30 pounds, and you're gonna go, you know what, I already did this, I did this, so this is coming right off, but right now you're 25, right now your metabolism, you could fucking eat a cake, and it's gone within 10 minutes, it should be, well not mine, but yeah, it should be, because you haven't kicked that motherfucking engine in, you got an engine, in the 70s and the 80s there was Penzoil, and Penzoil's motto was that you could pay me now, or you could pay me later, that stuck with me for my life, those people that drive around gonna change the oil and their engine blows up, and they go, what the fuck happened,

and that was their motto, either you could pay me $1.99 now, or you could pay me $800 later, you're gonna pay me, so you gotta get into exercising, you know, and I did it as a child, and when I got into comedy, I sold my soul so deeply into comedy that I go, who needs their fitness, you always need your fitness, you always need to breathe, you always need that hour for yourself, that hour for yourself is so spectacular, my wife left the other day, she came back and I could see that she was a different person, and I go, you gotta do this three days a week, that fucking lunatic came home the other day with an idea, she was gonna go back to work full time, I had to shut her down, like are you fucking

crazy, you do part time with this human kettlebell, because that's what my daughter is, she's a human fucking kettlebell dog, okay, you know, you carry her around all fucking day, you don't need yoga, you don't need weights, you don't need fucking stretching, so yeah, and I said, there's a 630 yoga class Tuesday night, I go, go down there for an hour, you talk to some people, listen man, when I talk to you, when was the last time you got emotional, we don't, we talk about podcasting or stupid fucking jokes, or Steve Simone, or his podcast, or Rick Ramos, or a movie, or hummus, you know, it's really nice to talk to people that just want to talk sometimes, I think I go to Jiu Jitsu because I'm gonna be a world

champion Jiu Jitsu guy at 58, no, because I sit with people and I talk to them about shit, it's something that I don't have to go look at Steve, because no matter what Steve and Simone and I talk about, within six minutes, we're gonna be talking about comedy, yeah, it's true, and you and me, within four minutes, we're gonna be talking about, so what do you think of this guy, what do you think of this fucking Jericho, did you see this fucking idiot's videos, you know, you're always talking about entertainment, sometimes when you go to a gym, it's just be normal people, yeah it's so true, when I first started this fitness thing, I said for me, I want, when I first got off coke, I said I want to get back to where I was when I

didn't do coke, and I used to go to martial arts, so I went to martial arts school, so I went and visited them, and at every school people go, hey man, you got a spot tonight at the improv, right away, I don't care how good the school was, I didn't go back, because I don't want people talking to me about comedy, so I went to the school for a month with just black people, and conga drums, doing kung fu is black, you would do kung fu with black people, they're the most dedicated fucking kung fu students you'll see in your life, they'll get the chopsticks out, they'll take the chicken off the bone when either with the chopsticks, they're fucking savages black people, and that's what I went, I went down there, it was

like eight black dudes, you know, C4L, whatever, white, and it didn't, I didn't talk about acting for eight months in there, somebody said, man, I was watching The Spider-Man 2 with my kid, and I thought, is that you, and then you gotta say, yeah, and they'll ask you what you're in, I didn't want to talk about that, I just want to be an old fucking guy, man, you know, you get sick and fucking tired of talking to the same fucking people, no offense to you guys, but it's the fucking truth, it's like you talk to the pizza guys, it happens to everybody, like when I used to work in an office, and you hang out with them after work, you go to a bar, you think you're gonna go to a bar and have like a nice drink,

and it's always talking about the boss sucks, can you believe they made us do this, and it's just, and it's, it used to kill me, I stopped calling out with people from work, because I don't want to have the same conversations I have at lunch. What's up with you, man, man, you went back to Philly, you came back with no turn of fucking cookies, you're looking out for this, life is beautiful, I was Philadelphia, it was wonderful, we did, I opened up for run as easy at helium, that club's great, great, but the air condition is working, because July, those motherfuckers that do is Jewish, he hasn't fixed that air conditioning, you know what they, they taught that,

did it go out when you were there, it's been out for 90 fucking days, that's the story, he's like a fucking Jew landlord, that's the story, yeah, every time you get there, you're not going to believe it, just before you came, the air went out, the air was out last time too, it's Philadelphia, building his five fucking floors, it's 95% humidity, yeah, you need the air conditioner of a fucking, of a jet plane, you know, so he don't have it, he's not going to lift a rock for a new unit, it's 55 Gs, so that's why I'm going in November this year, oh that's perfect, I went in fucking July last year, and it was fucking mind boggling, yeah two shirts, three shirts, sizzling, you got to go on stage the second show with a shirt,

have wet, so I just brought another shirt, you know, smart, but it's a great city, loved it, it was so much fun, run as easy, sold everything out Wednesday through Saturday, like I didn't, I don't want to like promote shows, you know what I'm saying, but people they know you're in town, and it was great to see old faces, some people that like I just worked with them, like people that I didn't even know, like I hadn't seen in 20 years, remember me, and I'm like yeah, I remember you, how you do, it was great, I love that, I love seeing people I haven't seen, it really is weird when you see people you did a job with, and now they see you in a different light, and they come up to you after the show like what the fuck, yeah, what the fuck,

you know what, that is a good time, yeah, it's a good feeling, and you saw your mom, now my parents were down in Florida, oh that's right, but I saw my nieces and nephews, you saw your brother, you saw my brother, yeah, saw my big brother, saw my little brother, saw all my aunts and uncles, took a train to Jersey to go see my aunt Kathy, where at, she's over there in South Jersey, it's wonderful, you go to church, went to church, how different is the church in Philly in the church here? There's a level of commitment, that's completely different, here it's a social activity, and Philly they go there because they really want to be there, they really believe in the next fucking step, you know, they really believe in the next step, whatever the step may be,

whatever your religion may be, it's so weird when you go to a place here, any fucking church they have here, it's always some fucking bunch of people talking about cookies afterward and you know, drinking Starbucks coffee, that's not what church is about, you know what I'm saying, what's up with you playing? Nothing, I have about 10 minutes left, I can feel it, my main motherfucker look at you, what's happening baby boy, what do you got playing for the weekend? I'm just Paul and I'm gonna, I'm gonna try to go seven days because I mean, I'm, like I said, I'm not lifting, I mean you touch lifting weights, I want you to take a rest for two days so it makes you motivated to go back on Monday, but I like the elliptical, I mean, I haven't done anything,

I'm not even sore yet. I know, well you'll be sore today, we're gonna make it, oh yeah today we're gonna take you on a mission from that, your training partner today, Steve Simone, it's over for you, we're going from here to Hollywood Park, did you bring the iPod with the flying juice jumping up and down, you bring your speakers, look at you, you're a fucking honey Molly, I'm gonna eat another edible to get you through, we'll smoke some more vapor pants, it's fucking, it's Friday, it's fucking Friday, you understand me, who's better than you? Nobody, who's fucking better than you, I feel you, I hear you, you say you gotta enjoy yourself, what's going on with the live CD, what's going on with this double live Gonzo CD, July 11th and 12th, I'm headlining La Jolla,

okay, what about this date you got in Irvine, Irvine Sunday night, well what the fuck are you, were you gonna promote that, yeah, we got it to promote that too, but I'm doing the CD, the 11th and the 12th, we'll do the CD and that too, show up with him Sunday and do the CD again, you're gonna do the next four days, just keep, record everything, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you, yeah, I got the H4N, just plug it right in, that's it, and then the producer's right, this guy's hot, he's released sixth number one fucking CDs with me, hash, he's hashed, now that's a hit, that's a hit, this guy's hash, I told him, I like that name from hash, that is perfect, you don't understand,

you know, once you're hot, you gotta keep going with those people, you know, he got that energy from Gabriel with the, where's the blog, you bring the bloggy to, no, you slip, you see what I'm saying, slip, how are we gonna, how are we gonna document through you fucking falling down a cliff today, bad motherfucking, what else you got planned, you gonna movies, no, I mean, I, I don't know, I saw, I saw that Tom Cruise movie already and I was okay, nothing great, but no, I don't know, is there anything else? I don't fucking know, that's just your job, I gotta keep it to, you're the youth, you're the youth comes, you're the fucking young man on the show, you're the one that

keeps this fucking shit together, you know what I'm saying, it's Friday, you're the fucking captain navigator on this show, I'm a 50 fucking year old man, right, so what are you gonna plan this weekend, well, I got nothing, I'm gonna fucking rest, what are you gonna plan, I'm a no fucking man, there's no rest, cocksucker, do you think that a man, I'm gonna probably leave here, go do some kettlebells, I think they're going swimming, the wife and the baby are going swimming for some fucking class on Friday, today they're very excited, then I'll probably team up with them and the baby's gonna take a nap, then I'm gonna go write a little comedy today, okay, I'm gonna go write that stuff for Ari, I already got the story for Ari's story teller, oh that's awesome,

I'm out of the fucking water, what are you, what are you doing that one, well, September night and then I'm probably gonna go, what do you got tonight, tonight I'm driving down to San Diego, I'm doing the tipsy crow, okay, who, who, who, Mal Hall, look at you, what's a tipsy crow, it's a bar down in the Gaslight District, it's a, got a great little comedy room down in the basement, so it's like one of those speakeasy cool kid bars, but Mal Hall's been running a show there for years, that's what I heard, that's right, that's right, and I did it years ago with Jay Larson, loved it, this is Mal's 30th birthday, it's me, it's Dean Del Rey, it's him, it's gonna be great, I love San Diego, good for you, I might go over by Bob's Coffee House, oh the place in,

and do the open mic, yeah, have you been there lately? I've heard about it, I walked over to my wife there, they're very cute, what's his name, is there making coffee for you? It's Devone, right, from Fast Times of Rich My High, yeah, what's his name, Devone, Robert Romanis, yeah, Bob, yeah, good guy, good guy, went in there, I met him at an audition years ago, and you know what, listen, there's people that you see, like if you see Brad Pitt, it's Brad Pitt, yeah, but there's people like Dennis Farina, that you see and you go fuck Brad Pitt, yeah, that's my mother fucker, yeah, absolutely, you know, when you see Fast Times of Rich My High, yeah, you think of, Champagne, you think of the big black guy, King of Scotland, that's played football,

but you also think of Devone, Devone stole that movie, Devone stole the movie, the whole movie's Devone, so I went there, went to an audition three, four years ago, and there he is, and I'm like, oh my fucking god, this guy's still around, and one day they said go to Bob's Coffee Shop, yeah, where is that in North Hollywood? The problem with, it's across the Lemley, okay, so the problem is parking, they got a pub right next to it, they opened the pub, have you seen that new pub, there's a little pub there, and they opened up, see what they're gonna do in North Hollywood is the beautification act, okay, I guess Obama's sending a couple geetuses over here to fix up North Hollywood from the federal up, from Lancashire and Magnolia up,

they're gonna fucking fix that and put money into, right, because that's on where, that's by Lemley, correct, by the federal, right, so from Magnolia up, oh that's awesome, now you know they got a sausage place over there that I've never been to, like hot dogs and sausages, that people rave about, like if you want bratwurst, if you want, do they do Italian sausage, yeah, everything, sausage and peppers, everything, right down the block from fucking, so there's a pizza place in the corner, firehouse pizza, oh yeah, that place's always packed and everything in there, and it's fucking, I'll tell you what, the green spaghetti, the spinach spaghetti with the fucking tomato sauce ain't bad, okay, the soup, the chicken soup, like an escrow soup or wedding soup, yeah, I don't know,

okay, but the pizza, you want to stab yourself in the fucking neck when it comes, oh is that bad, it's that bad, but everything else isn't, you know, like on a date, they got sangria, yeah, you're outside, they have those fire pits, 80 bucks to eat there, oh yeah, that's, they don't fuck around in there, it's 12 bucks with a bowl of soup and a cup of soup, it's fucking, you're going to drop 80 in there, so this is what I'm saying, if it's one of those places that you leave and go, I just dropped 60 bucks and I had a fucking sandwich and a soup, yeah that drives me crazy, what the fuck, yeah that drives me crazy, you know, so that's that place and you walk up a little bit, they have like a gym place where you walk in, right now, go over there, there's a million girls

in there, the windows are fogged up, oh yeah, right on the corner, yeah, the guy's name is Fabio, he's a gay nine lane Fabio and oh my god, when you do a work up with Fabio, your body, you're fucking yourself, you fucking sappy bitch, fucking Fabio doing jumping jacks, suck my dick, and it's steamed up, they got like dropping classes from six to nine, you won't believe it Lee, the glasses are fogged and every hot broth is going in there and you know, but next to that is the sausage plate, next to that is the Japanese joint where they jump up and down, oh yeah, I read the reviews for that place, that place is crazy, they give you a two hour window of when you're going to go eat and you have to wait outside in line because they don't know when they're going to let you in,

ah, forget it, keep it, and apparently it's not even that good, the sushi sucks, the entertainment if you're from fucking the Midwest or something, if you get high, if you go to the state fair and have a good time, you'll have a good time in this fucking place, it's Japanese people jumping on your tables and there's hot chicks but nobody's showing you that pussy, so who gives a fuck, you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna pay 80 dollars to see a bunch of fucking Japanese people jump up and down, get the fuck out of there, for three you could get Godzilla on Netflix, you know what I'm saying, the fuck, the fuck, and to eat shitty sushi, but if I tell you guys something, and you know me, I tell you how it is, that's the first place I went to when I came to California, it's the first

place that took me, that Japanese spot, I went in there with Rod Long and a guy that used to write for Mad TV, I drove down here from Seattle and that's where they took me, in fact I stayed somewhere in this neighborhood, in fact that black writer that took me there goes to the Y, I bump into him at the Y from time to time, so that's how long he's lived around here, so it's really amazing, do you like working out high, I feel like it's gonna, it would cause like a panic attack, when you get on the epileptical, do you put your earphones on, wait till you fucking work out high, taste you to the next fucking level, you go Joey what the fuck did you do to me, this is tremendous, you see Mo, I guess, and then you'll say to me, because once you get into a song,

see what happens when you're in the epileptical, you look at that clock, yeah that's what I do, okay everybody does Lee, you're not gonna tell me your fucking job, you look at that clock, so you look at it, when you get on you go I'm gonna do five minutes and I'm gonna get the fuck out of here, fuck Joey, fuck Joey's mother, fuck his daughter, I don't give a fuck, but tell me you get to five, you're still having a good time, it starts loosening up a little bit, it's the music that'll take you to the next level, it's not, it's the music, and then a good song comes on and all of a sudden you go you know I'm gonna do 10 minutes, and then you say I'm at 12 minutes, I rate it 12, let me do 15, and at 15 you're like I'm gonna get off and then you go fuck it,

I'm gonna do one more minute, because I'm gonna do the end of this song, and there you did 16 minutes, because the music carried you, close your eyes, don't even look at that fucking time, I hate that fucking thing, I see people the smart, they cover it up, they cover it up, don't even throw the towel over it, is that why they're doing that, yep, and then I sometimes I go to the gym just to listen to music, because like my iPod is pretty much the only place I really listen to music, that in the car, I don't have a home stereo or anything, but I go all right I'm gonna go to the, all right I'm gonna listen to Pandora on the way down there, Pandora Sinatra, loosen up, because I walk a monitor, it's all about the music, really, it's all about the music, the music,

I've been listening to podcasts so far, and the podcast too, yeah, if you're already in the zone and a podcast is heard, yeah, but I think you should put on the, when you go to that concert to see those flying Jews and you jump up and down, it really does, and there's times that you, it's something you haven't heard in a while, like the other day I let's put on, I put on the Aerosmith, the white draw the line, I haven't heard that in 10 fucking years, I always listen to King Queens, but I don't listen to it a whole lot, by the third song I had the tears in my eyes, rubbing down my face, and now I got to work it out, and I'm at 22 minutes, and all I was, you know what I'm saying, like you're less, I thought the number would motivate you, like it

motivates me, like okay I'm doing, like I only have that much left, I thought that would be good, no, because what you're gonna do is you're gonna surpass what you think you can do, right, I don't want you to work for that, I want you to surpass a minute, and you know what, there's gonna be two days that you're gonna do 17 minutes, and you're gonna go, I'm good with that, yeah, but then you fucking third day, you're gonna take the day off, and you're gonna come back, and now you're gonna pick it up to 20, and at 20 you're gonna go, I had another minute in me, that's okay, save it for Tuesday, yeah, I'd rather you save for Tuesday, and the back of your mind, you're thinking about it, let me tell you why I like Jiu Jitsu, because I love going to kickboxing

with Dave at Muay Thai America, I still drop in there from time to time, and talk to him, and I'll do a private with him, the problem was I was doing it all my life, if we're gonna improve as human beings, you have to keep learning, and you have to keep figuring your mind out, your mind has to keep spinning, guys, I don't give a fuck if you're a plumber by trade, that's a trade you chose, and I'm happy you chose it, but at night you gotta read a book, at night you gotta do a puzzle, you know, bro, if you're just gonna sit there in front of the fucking TV, you know, and learn from discovery, hey, I've learned how to make meth from discovery, I've learned about fucking the ice and the ages, you learn about history on TV,

but it gets to a point that your mind has to become analytical, when I go to Jiu Jitsu, and I leave Jiu Jitsu, after I come home, and I have my protein shake, and I sit down, I take two hits of the vapor, and I eat a half an edible, whatever they taught me that night, starts running in my mind, running in your mind, okay, so I gotta push him, and hip escape, and then grab him, pull him in, hook my legs, cover his arms, so he doesn't block the fucking base, because if he does this, your flip ain't gonna work, that's it, you gotta sweep his arm and flip him over, that will go over and over in your mind, you learn something, it's like a child, it's like my wife says, when you play with mercy, when she goes to bed, she processes all that shit,

that's so cute, and then one day she'll come out and go, sit, you gotta stop saying shit, but she's saying, dit, dit, dit, and that's because you say shit, okay, because it goes into a memory bank, and now you do it, what do they call that when you do Jiu Jitsu, muscle memory, that's why you keep doing it, you keep doing it, 10 times, so then you're not even thinking, yeah, you're not even thinking about it, you know that when that body weight leans on you, so there's that timing, bam, that's it, you got this guy, that's why, I always want you to stay analytically, okay, you don't have the 60 a month to join Jiu Jitsu, then fucking take a fucking chemistry class at the nearest, whatever, yeah, it's all connected, but your mind is always learning, absorbing

something, if not, if you don't use it, you're gonna lose it, bro, Carmine Balzano, 2009, isn't he sad to us, yeah, why don't you retire Carmine, you have 10 buildings, you have 10 million dollars in the bank, and he was hutched over and he goes, because once you, you stop using it, you lose it, and we're not, we don't have time to bleed, we don't have fucking time to bleed, that's why every 90 days I switch workouts, I keep doing that workout, but you gotta keep switching, because your body gets accustomed, that's so true, in a month, when you're doing an hour in the apolitical, yeah, now you've been doing an hour, you're like, all I need to do is an hour, and all of a sudden, you're looking me when they go, dog, I stopped losing weight,

really, yeah, because you're doing an hour on the apolitical, so you're gonna go, you're gonna find an apolitical, you're gonna lift weights, you're gonna walk, and then you're gonna find something in a year, gotta karate, whether it's just basic karate, go over there with what's his name, who hangs out with Doug Benson, my buddy, nice kid, he's into, he's into, yeah, Graham, Graham has signed up for Japanese sword fighting, now you go, Graham, get it together, what are you gonna do, whip your sword out in Compton, I'll shoot you in the head 10 times, it doesn't matter, he's making his mind think, he's making his mind think, those Japanese did that to do something else, that was the bridge to do something else, for us to have a successful

podcast, I need for you to take your mind away from this shit, take your mind away from Paula, take your mind away from the Boston Red Sox, all that nonsense, because that's all it is at the end of the day, and get into yourself, and you'll see how much stronger you get in an individual, and with me, I hate to say it, it was weed and walking, I smoke a joint and walk, let me tell you something, you smoke a joint and walk, you learn about yourself, because one minute, you smoke that joint, you put your iPod on, and you start over here on Lancashire and fucking Magnolia, and next thing you know, you're on Lancashire and victory, and it's 90 degrees, and you gotta walk back, you gotta walk back, and now you're like, all right, I'm gonna put the

other side of the cassette on, that's how I, bro, when I was skinny, it's because I walked around New York City, it's not because my friends drove me everywhere, it's because I put that, so you're evolving, Lee, everything, and eventually, if you watch The Mechanic in 1973, Charles Bronson was a hit man, he used a gun, but you know what kept him sharp? Karate, he was a karate dude, and he'd be in there with other 80-year-old men, because all those little forms, learning something, keeps you sharp, David Patrick Kelly, warriors, come out to play, he was the reason why I'm such a good actor, is because I got a karate, I've gone through the same guy, and you know, people gonna tell you, well, Lee, martial arts don't work, but that's fine, they don't have to work, you're

not gonna be a fighter, you're going, the same reason you went to college, college didn't do shit for you, what it cost you? 100 grand? Okay, what it cost you? You told me yourself personally that when you went to interviews, they don't say that you were, what was your college experience like, what'd you go for? People say that you go to college for four years, you still end up with no job, correct? Oh yeah, that's how people- So what the fuck are we talking about here? But I saw that you did something with your life, when I'm your potential employer, I go, oh, you went to Lloyd of London for six fucking years, even though you're retarded, and you got a D, you still went every day. That's what they go for. Same thing with martial arts, you said yourself, you know what, on Monday

Wednesday, Monday morning, when you wake up, and the podcast machine breaks, and Paula tells you, you forgot fucking bagels, and your mom calls you, and says that she's lonely, you're a bad son, because you haven't come to visit her, and your father calls you from Florida, and says, what the fuck, Lee, you're a bad son, I'm over here dying. At the end of that, you could take your car, take your little fucking karate gear, take your phone, put it in your car, go into karate, learn a move, and a half hour into it, all that anger, and all that confusion, it's gone. And you'll say, fuck Joe Diaz in this podcast, fuck my mother, fuck Paula, fuck Terry, and fuck my father, I'm learning how to throw a kick. I'm learning, I just learned how to throw a kick,

it's so fucking interesting. When I first met Steve Simone, Steve Simone used to torture me by going to the gym, him and Dice. Yeah. Yep. I remember when you joined the Holly with Jim too, the boxing gym there. Yeah, that's right, you were the, he used to let me in, he used the front desk clerk. Yeah. Oh, really? Go ahead. And I was going at night, because I was embarrassed with people seeming to date time. We all have the same fears. It sucks because I'm like, I was talking to the bigger guy at the gym, I was like, I've lost weight a thousand times. If I really thought about it and wrote down how much weight I've lost, it'd be like, it would kill me. But the problem is like keeping it off. And like, I'm just realizing like, there's no like quick, like you can't lose it.

That's a lifestyle. In like a month. And it kills me because I want it to be easy. Like I want by like my birthday in a month to have lost 800 pounds. But it's like, do you know what my buddy back in Philly told me that owns the best gym? It's called the iron sport gym. He says he hates when people come into the gym and they're looking around and they're like, well, I don't want to get too big. And he's like, don't worry about it. It's not going to happen. You know? And he was like, if it's easy to be big and strong, everybody would be big and strong. If it was easy to be in great shape, everybody would choose to do it. You just put the effort in. And there's that sense of community in every gym. And Lee, the guys that know the most are usually the nicest guys on the gym. Oh,

no, everyone's been nice. It's just, I want it because it's, it's not hard, but it takes work for me to work out and eat well. So it's like, I want everyone wants it to be like, if I could be done in two weeks, that'd be great. That's why the juicing thing, I did it. And I've done everything. I've done Atkins. I've done a new system. That's a lifestyle. Everyone wants it. When you fought, let me tell you something, not right now, Lee, but in six months, one day, you're going to have to meet Paul at eight o'clock, but the inside of you has to go to that gym. And right now, it's not going to fade. Right now, it's not going to hit you, but it hits me from time to time because you get pissed off. It's like anything else in life. One day, you're going to be doing a bent

over row or a fucking high pull, or you're going to be on your 48th minute and you're going to go, I worked this fucking hard in here. And now I'm about to go home and eat a fucking cheeseburger. That shit's coming to an end. See, it all works together. That's what I did yesterday. Your mind will work together. I just worked out. Now you're paying your bills. Now you're paying for this weight. Now you're seeing the receipt. Now you're saying that when they eat chips of hoi on TV, it ain't a fucking party. It ain't a fucking party when they're popping chips of hois and shit. That commercial. No, dawg, it ain't a fucking party. This is the party now. Now, you'll think twice. Now, listen, I love weight watches. I wish that I would be one of those

guys that could eat chia seeds and that could eat egg whites with spinach leaves and a taste of nutmeg. I love Mike Dolce and I love Mike Dolce's workout. He has great spaghetti. He has a great tuna recipe with the fucking, with the avocado instead of mayonnaise. He's got a lot of great recipes, but they don't sell those at a restaurant three days a week when I travel. Right. Well, the exercise that we're now, Josh Wolf, God bless his soul. He said, go to my... My fifth food. My fifth food. They're tremendous. You sit with a nutritionist and it's eight to nine dollars a meal, which is what you pay for anywhere and you eat the my fifth food. The problem with that is guys like you and me, we're going to do a New Jersey tour.

We're going to go to San Francisco. What are you going to do when you're going to take my fifth food on the fucking plane? You opened my fifth food on the plane, Lee. I will beat you to death and tell them you're a fucking future terrorist and to throw you off the fucking plane that you have Israeli ties to the Taliban. Did your family almost make you, did they try to give you food for the plane? Yeah. Dude, this, but yeah, this what I did. They didn't give you a tuna sandwich, correct? No. No, what they did? Dude, I had homemade meatballs. I had homemade men a gut. I had... That's what you open up on a plane and people look at you and go, that smells tremendous. We had the roast pork, even homemade cheese steaks. It was great. Yeah, everything was great.

They make homemade cheese steaks? Yeah, because my brother's mother-in-law was straight off the boat from Naples. The best. Now, can you eat red meat because I thought about this last night because I went to the Mediterranean place and I got chicken because can I, can I have grilled steak? Is red meat okay? Yeah, but you gotta eat fucking six ounces of it. You know what I'm just gonna say, what saved me my last trip home was portion control. Portion control is... How many ounces of meat do you have? I didn't, you know, I didn't overdo it. Like, I got to be honest, I used to kill... The size of your hand. Yeah, yeah, I used to kill a whole pizza. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. But now it's just two slices. You can do just two slices, oh fuck. It's the size of your hand,

weight watches. Weight watches is very good because it's portion control. It's a county jail diet. That's what I call it. It's a county jail diet. So you go to Denny's and you get two eggs, toast, home fries, bacon, and two pancakes. And that's a great breakfast, okay? But after you leave there, when you look at Steve and go, I'm fucking full. Yeah. And you realize you didn't need a lot of food. I used to eat to the point where I couldn't walk to the car. Yep. Jesus. I'm not gonna lie to nobody. And so do you leave. Yeah, fuck yeah. We eat to the point. No, that's what I'm thinking about. And I eat so fast. My not is I eat too fast. Me too. So I eat three quarters of the meal and I'm full, but then I eat it. No. And then you realize weight watches makes you

realize that if you take that piece of salmon and cut it in half. They're good. And you take one piece of bread and throw it away and you take the cheese off that because even ketchup has calories in it. Fuck yeah. You know, sugary. Oh, all that shit you could do without, you know. Listen, I love Subway. I love the veggie and cheese from Subway. My Subway sandwich is a foot long veggie and cheese with the chips and the soup and the cookie and 10 gallons of those sodas. Yeah. There's nothing like that. But you know what, buy a six inch and just leave. Yep. Yeah. Get a six inch and just walk out of there and eat it. And you're going, I'm fucking hungry. No, I don't need it. You realize you don't need it. Yeah. You know, when you go to Big Mac, you get a Big Mac, the double fries,

the soda, some nuggets on the side, nuggets, you know what, go to In-N-Out house, go to In-N-Out burger, they have the cheese burger. It's eight points with the cheese, with no mayonnaise and no sauce on it. Yep. And you get a half order of fries. It's six points because the whole container is 12 and a Diet Coke and you're solid, even a water in your solid. So you could always kill your cravings. Yes. You know, you could always kill your cravings. You know what? You realize you don't need a knot. You get just a little taste. I love Oreo cookies, but instead of eating the whole sleeve, because I kill a motherfuckers. Fucks easy. You know what I'm saying? You take one and you make a deal with yourself. You know what's fucked up? At least so far, the most thing I miss most is the

diet soda. So let's show them, like, there must be some chemical in it. Oh, there's a chemical thing in there. And like, that's the part that's been killing me. And I'm like, maybe that's a reason not to go back to it. Because I'm like, fuck. Lee, on the way home, you stop at Gelson's at Rouse and get yourself. Today, we're gonna do everything. You pick me up at nine, we'll go to Calibre, play going to cost you a couple yards today. But don't worry about none. We're gonna go over to this place over here because even that fit protein, we'll just get your little protein pot in the container. Okay. And you put the protein pot in and you take it with you. And as soon as you finish at the gym, you fill it with water and you shake it up. Okay. No more milk in your

milkshakes. Okay. That's it. That cuts another percentage out. Yeah. And that milkshake, you know, that that milkshake is 300 calories. You know, you go, you buy a bunch of apples, my wife's been buying cantaloupe, you know, yeah, that's another thing. So when you've said it before, and it kind of pissed me off when I was talking to people, I was like, Oh, I'm gonna have some fruit and like, don't have fruit and sugar. I'm like, Well, I think food's okay. I'm gonna say something about all foods, all foods. Let me tell you something about fruit, bro. Eat two apples tonight. Number one, you're gonna shit. When you start losing weight, you gotta clean that esophagus out. What do you think is in your asshole?

McDonald's? Connecting to that tube. Oh, yeah. Same thing with me. I got bubble gum in there. I got fucking, you know, granola pits, you know, you got everything in your ass, you know, so you gotta clean that. I mean, health and and leave with you. You're 25. You got the world by the balls. It could either fall apart for you in eight years because the diabetes will come in or whatever. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle that goes at you for a long time. I want chocolate cake every fucking day. I'm a stoner, dog. People say to me, when you're stoned, fine, shut the fuck up. I'm a stoner, motherfucker. Okay. When I eat an edible, I fucking get stoned and I get fucking hungry. How do you do it? You just pass through it. You know what?

Okay. So yesterday, I went in the kitchen and I was fucking stoned to the gills. There was two peaches and there was cheese pups. I had four cheese pups and I had the two peaches. That's great. I made a deal with myself. I could eat the half a bag of cheese pups. Do you follow me? It's all compromises, man. This is all fucked. And I'm still a fat fuck. And I don't know what he's gonna do, but I know every week I work on it and every week I get healthier. You know, I drink 22 of these things now. That's great. 22 of these things now a day. That's gotta be way better than drinking. Oh, it's a thousand times better. There's no more white bread in my house. There hasn't been white bread in my house for three fucking months. That's great. That helps.

You know, I love pasta. I could eat pasta every day, but now all these people are saying pasta stays at you for 80 years. You know what? There's nothing wrong with six ounces of pasta. Right. When you go to original Joe's, how much pasta do they give you on the side of this? Not that much. They're a little mini plate. And you'll live on that and you get full off that. But me and you, because we're east coast. Yeah. We need the big bowl of fucking pasta. I think pasta is good for you. Only four ounces. Yeah, that's like how they do in the middle and Italy for fucking out. What's up, Lee? What's that fucking vapor pen? Who said another goomy bed? Was that what you said, Lee? Give me another one. Set me loop. Where's the musically pull a little fucking rod? Let me tell

you something. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. Yesterday, I was driving, right? And I went to the edible store late night to get Lee his goodies for the day. And as I was pulling back, Elton John was on a song by the name Harmony. Find Harmony for me. Harmony by Elton John. It's a beautiful day. It'll be alive. Wash your pussy, scrub your feet, paint your toenails. If you're a female, you want your feet looking good. You want somebody to suck your asshole, your feet got to look fucking impeccable on a Friday. If you're a man, wash those nuts, put some powder in it, grab your dick, sniff that motherfucker, make yourself remember what being a man is. Salute the flag. Do everything today. It's fucking Friday. Where's Elton John?

Blast that shit. Hello. Haven't seen your face for a while. Have you quit doing time for me? Oh, are you still the same spoiled child? Listen to this piano. Hello. I said hello. Is this the only place you thought to go? Am I the only man you ever had? Or am I just the last surviving man? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Let me tell you something about this fucking fruit cake. He came out with a fucking, when I was growing up, this guy came out with a new song every six weeks and not some fucking song with black people rapping on it and being cool. This guy went to a pen and pencil. When I was in the sixth, seventh and eighth grade, Elton John

did not stop. He was telling the Beatles to suck his dick. Michael Jackson had to suck his dick and suck his toes. Listen to this and I'm just emotional. I'm pissed off at myself for even forgetting Elton John. If you watch, what's the movie that came out about the guy that follows the band that he writes about? Oh, almost famous. When they're on the bus, what's the song? It never ended, dawg. When you were a kid, Philadelphia freedom, don't let the sun go down on me. Dude, he killed it. You're right. He killed it every fucking six weeks and you're sitting there. So as I pull up, I'm sitting in this in the car, I got tears in my eyes and the two transvestites are in front of the house mowing the lawn. I swear to God,

this went down last night and I opened the window and they're like looking at me all weird and I go, that's right, motherfuckers. At one time, Elton John ruled the fucking world and I closed the windows and I got up and I started singing fucking Elton John in the middle of the street. Oh, money and me, a really good company. And also the lady came out to see that I was yelling about it and I looked at her and I go, that's right because she's an old the fuck too. I go, nobody remembers when Elton John ruled the world and she looked at me, she was drinking a beer, she goes, let's have a drink to Elton John. What time of the night was it? 7.30 because the weed store closes at eight. This is when I talk to you the first time. Oh, that's so great. And I

goes, Lee's going down tomorrow. It's Black Friday for Lee. And I saw the gay guys and I went upstairs and I put some Elton John on and while I was playing Elton John, I saw a Rod Stewart song. The name of the album was Blondes, Have More Fun. And I put it on and I couldn't fucking guys in the fucking 70s, let's just pretend you had the Stones, The Who and Led Zeppelin. They're all fighting amongst each other. Now you got this fucking fruitcake Elton John dropping bombs on your moms, fuck Carlons. You got Black music, the OJs, you got all this music. Marvin Gaye. And you got Marvin Gaye, don't even remember. And then you got this fucking guy named Rod Stewart who was competing with the Stones, banging them out. I saw this video and I remember how good

the song was. Hit it, Lee. This is off the album, Not Foot's Loose and Fancy Free, but a different one. Hit it, Lee. You're in the same. What is it? No, the name of the song is you're in the same. This motherfucker. What? Hit it, Lee. It's Friday. Watch that muffler. Hit that motherfucker. What Loose and Fancy Free? What Loose and Fancy Free? Carmina Peace on the drums, the little Chinese bass guy. The church motherfucker is dropping on you. What? What? It's almost like hip hop. Oh, this is in the early 70s, right here. Yeah.

Down Sunset Strip and in the backseat, a big black whip. All around your face. What is in that taste? Baby, what I think you're cute, but there's no substitute for love. Hit it, Lee. Kick this motherfucker, Lee. Are you kidding me or what? That's how we do it on the church. Music dropping. Now, nobody's even remembers fucking Rod Stewart, but I'm telling you, just that you're in my heart. You're in my soul. Oh, yeah. That dog, I'm telling you guys, you guys are looking at me going, Joey, you're dropping this fucking black and white music

out of me. Listen, you can't move forward unless you listen to this shit. You can't fucking be a black belt jujitsu if you don't know the proper fucking hip escapes and the proper armbars. Same thing when it comes to music. I'm dropping the building blocks on you, motherfuckers. You smoke a joint, you sit back and you listen to this shit and get back to me. You understand me? I listen to some crazy shit. Put on Mary J Blige Without You. Listen to this black motherfucker saying, because she's from the same thing as Biggie and all that shit. When you hear Biggie rapping, he's rapping knowledge on you. That's fine. But when you hear a fucking woman do it, I was listening to this shit all week. You motherfuckers think I'm

fucking around. I'm trying to find the best fucking music so you guys can go, Joey, why did I jump out of the window last night? Why am I walking around a wheelchair today after you played this fucking music for me? Lee, what happened? It's in. Well, hold on. Mary J Blige killed it. What's the one one? You want to do another fucking Gumi? No, thank you. You're looking not high. See, I'm looking not high. Listen to this bitch. Oh shit. She just drops it on your dog like fucking Miss Pat. This is black chicks, man. They don't fuck around. Little something for Tracy Morgan recovering, baby. Bad motherfucker. Yes, we've been through it. How could we have taken this one?

Listen to this bitch. Cuz I can't sleep without you, baby. Anybody who's ever loved to know just want to live too hard to fake it. Nothing can replace it. Call the radio. If you just can't be without you, baby. Call the radio. I got a question for you. Oh, shit. Ready for the answer. Still, I want to ask you would you die? No. Make me cry. No. Do something behind my back and then try to cover it up. Well, neither would I. Goddamn, Mary J Blige. Take that shit off before I fucking eat some black pussy. Goddamn, Mary J Blige. You brought a tear in my eye. I love all that shit. That's music, baby. Why does Mary J Blige get emotional? Because you listen to those fucking

lyrics. You got to read the lyrics of that song. You'll sit there and go, what the fuck was she smoking pot with Tupac? I mean, her fucking lip. Are you going to go get us a donut? What? To take the sugar off of your fucking lip. You want a donut? Sure. Go get a donut. I can't have one. Why not? You don't know. You're doing a job. You did what? I did a good job at the gym. So who gives a fuck? You got a little donut. It's Dunkin' Donuts. You're living like a doctor. It's fucking Friday when you get the stick out of your ass. Well, you're doing everything today. Kettlebells, you're jumping off fucking clips. Oh, shit. Look at all he brought you there. He brought you a little chocolate one. I can't because I'll eat the entire box in the rest of

this podcast. And you'll fucking walk the Glendale and back. I'm not wrong with that. Was the last time you walked the Glendale and back? Never. All right then. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? What's going on with you, baby? So you have this Sunday at the Irvine Improv? Yep. This Sunday Irvine Improv. Tape it, please. Yeah, I've been taping every day. What happened to the sets from a couple of weeks ago? I got them. How they sounded? I never even heard the Brian set that we did. This fucking guy. I told you what to do. I said it was terrible. I didn't. This fucking guy. God damn it. Give me high. No, I didn't say it was terrible. Just so we want to go for more because we want to make sure that. I know I'm going to get it in

La Jolla, but I'm going to record everything. And if I got the recorder, I'm going to record everything forever. How about that? It just makes it easier. Let me hide. All right. Did you see him? He fucking his needle got stuck. What's that, man? So what? You're high Friday. Yeah. What are we going to do today? What are we going to do after this? Something is true. How am I going to go home and go to sleep? No, no, no. There's no sleep in your future. What? There's no sleep in your future. Why? I get in that kettlebell cleanse. That sounds amazing. That's a game changer. You're 25 years old. What's sleep? It's over. You're going to show the youth of America today that you're fucking

Jewish savage. You know what it means to be a Jewish savage though? No. This country is forgotten. You're going to go back to being a Jew, looking at fucking holes. We're going to make people tripple them with suing people. We're going back. We're going back because this is bullshit. These motherfucking Jews are confused. The problem with these motherfuckers, these are worthless fucking Jews. You're the most powerful fucking Jew out there. It's over, at least. Since Moses, there hasn't been a fucking Jew like you. Do you know that? I like it. What's going to be a name in new CD, my brother? Remember this from when you get sad. That's why I love you. We did a good podcast a couple weeks ago. You

brought me the best. You got me to talk about some shit I hadn't talked about in a long time. I hate rich people. I was embarrassed when I was a kid. That was such a great episode. I can't thank you enough for that. You know, finally, the book I'm writing is coming into fucking fruition. Oh, that's great. My good friend, Jessica, she's an editor. She's a brilliant editor. I mean, and we've been working together this week. We did a four and a half hour session on Tuesday because with me, the best way to write is for me to outline and just talk to her and you get all this shit. And she's that good to just hear the stories and bang it out. She

types it out and then we talk about it and she types it and then we get together and go over and we've got we've got from New York City all the way to 1981 when I'm a junior in high school and I had to sit with her and talk with her for four hours. Look at the shape of it. You ready for another fucking Gumi? Nothing. You want to split? Let's split one of these little weak chocolate things. Let's do it. You can't live without your baby. So we really got into it about, you know, I didn't know how fucked up I was. Like, you know, after God took my mother or whoever takes your parents life or whatever it takes to life, like you figure that I fell apart. I didn't fall apart. I had everything a kid could need. We figured out the idea. You know how much money I

was making when I was a junior in high school, sophomore in high school, I was making $2,000 a week. Oh my God. Because I was selling 300 ups a week. I was 300 hits, you know, different acid, like I wear whatever they would have, I would sell whether it was microdot acid or blotter acid or windowpane or four-way acid, whatever acid they had at East Rausberg is what I sold that week. And I would, I would also sell ups. I also had a job at Rendell Lumber and I also stole there. The guy that got me the job told me, dog, if I get you this job, don't forget to steal, because now they'll know I was, I wasn't stealing, that I was stealing. If you come along and you don't steal, they're going to see the difference. They're going to need a difference and they're

going to know I was stealing. So you got to keep stealing. I hooked you up with people. They're going to come to you. In those days, we sold marine plywood. It was $40 a sheet where people would give you $10 or $20 a sheet. Oh my God. What's marine plywood? What's a marine waterproof? It's galvanized, like it has some chemical in it that won't rust. I don't even know if the word is galvanized. Don't call me stupid on Twitter. I'm just saying it's got something so the wood doesn't rust. Gotcha. It's got a certain chemical in it or something. So I used to sell that. Hey, people come in the back and wink at me and they'd say, give me 40 sheets of fucking plywood at $20 a piece. Wow. That's $800 on a Friday. I'm a sophomore in fucking high school.

It's more money than I have now. That's amazing. Oh, please. This is some crazy shit. The place I was working at one day, they sent me the mail a check. I don't even know if I should go here, but fuck, we already started. I had this friend that worked at a bank and he cast two checks for me. I won't even tell you what the amount was. This guy later on became a big fucking deal with the Genoveses. This guy's a big note. Is he with the Genoveses? Yeah. In fact, when I googled him the other day, that's when this picture came up in front of him in front of a judge with an orange shirt on saying that him and 46 other guys have been in died of a bookmaker in Jersey. Wow. And you think about it. This is who I was with when I was 16. And I got to check not when I

was sick. I got to check when I was a junior in high school because that was the year John Lennon got shot. I got the money that week. That was the week I got the money because that Sunday when they had the big thing from at Strawberry, whatever, Strawberry Hills forever, whatever that is. Strawberry. Refills forever. They, I went to Bleak of Bobs. It was a record store in the village. Oh, wow. And I bought Ozzy Osbourne's EP, which was, it wasn't even fucking whatever. Was that Diary of a Mad Man? Before that, it had Crazy Train, Mr. Crowley, Suicide Solution, and something. That was all on an EP? Those monsters? I remember in the 80s, there were EPs. Yep. EPs were fucking four songs. Missing Persons had an EP. Ratt had an EP. First Ratt song was

Wanted Man. The other one. Round and round. What's up, nigga? Nothing, so I'm just listening. Dude, what was it like the first time you heard that Randy Rhodes riff? I hate listening to N.W. Wayne in the morning. Why? Because it makes me go fucking black all day. What are you gonna do now? Stab you. That's what I'm gonna fucking do. How you feeling? I'm good. Look at the shape. Are you ready for some kettlebells? No. Why not? I'm too high to go do kettlebells. You're never too high. You're never too highly. But I remembered by talking to her. Like I had all this going on. You know, I had no adult supervision. I went to school, I got good grades, and I sold drugs.

But the fact was I had no mother. So I had everything a 16-year-old could want. But no mother. And it's just been an amazing week thinking about that, because we did this on Tuesday. And for the last two days I can't. Today I feel really good. Yesterday and the day before, I was cracked about my life, about where I was at that point in my life. At 16, that's what I was doing. You're still a baby at 16. I did acid almost every fucking day. And I tell you what, if I wouldn't have done that acid, I would have probably done something stupid because it would have helped me think about my next move. It helped me calm down a little bit. And so we had to say that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, Joey.

The fucking acid made my mind work, and it made me think of all the avenues I had. And when I was talking to Jessica, the other day, I called one of my good friends, Carlos Cantero. I was called the podcast. And he has a brother, Dee Dee, and I was friends with them. After my mother died, I was either at the benders where I slept, where I was at a villa shed. Remember the kid that's called in Steve a villa? He had a shed behind this house. Fucking no heat. We'd sit there, smoke dope, and listen to fucking music. And if I wasn't either at the shed or Carlos Cantero's house, I was home. So throughout the day, I would go out in the mornings and go to school and then hook up with my friends.

And you know, even three months after your mother dies, which you're still very confused after you suffer through any death, I remember that my days would be great and I wouldn't think about my mother. So after I left the villa's house or after I would leave Carlos's house on the walk home, I would remember that my mother died. And I would forget and sometimes walk to my mother's house and wait out there and go, what the fuck am I walking over here for? She doesn't live here anymore. You know, she doesn't live here anymore. Oh my God. It was just and sometimes I would go in the house and sit in there and wait and say, maybe they buried the wrong lady. Maybe my mother's going to show up. You know, people don't, I've never talked about this pain

that I had at this time and how bad it was. And I don't know what kept me going, but it was those three guys. And after our conversation, when I went to get the needle yesterday, I called the villa and thanked them for being there for me. And I called Carlos that night because I called him in front of Jessica and he didn't know about this. He didn't know that he was my world, that as soon as I left this house to walk home, my world would shatter. I go home and cry myself to sleep and then get up the next day again. You know, but it was weird. I remember the story of me and Dee Dee robbed the gas station like six times. And it was me and Dee Dee like three times, but then I had to recruit other people that were nice people. But it was a no

brain. It was a give me. It was like a good fellow type. The guy's name was Ernie and he was a little retarded. He was cousins with sticky Charlie and he was fucking a little fucked up this guy. And I used to work at Putnam Fuel, but I got fired for stealing. Everybody got fired for stealing, but stick Ernie always kept his job. Ernie wasn't all there. He had this huge wife. She had to be Ernie was a cute little white dude that was probably 38 that probably weighed, you know, 160 pounds. But Ernie's wife was this big, you know, those fat chicks that have like chocolate on their fingers all day. And they just wear a house dress and they don't work. And they're white trash and their parents are white trash. Yeah. And she's just going to get

bigger and bigger and bigger. And Ernie would talk to me about his sexual exploits. Oh, what a fucker. It's so hard. I'm pushing that guy Ernie. I was 16. I didn't want to hear it. Yeah, I'd be throwing up in my mouth. I didn't want to hear this shit from Ernie talking about how he was eating her ass. And in his mind, she was Farrah Fawcett. But in everybody else's mind, she was like the biggest fucking woman in the world. And she was a bitch. She was nasty. So he would tell me. So, you know, he would tell me, he would tell me, you know what I like to fuck and eat her pussy with cocaine. But I can't afford it. I only make like $7 an hour. No, that's no problem Ernie. Like how much money do you usually have about eight o'clock, nine o'clock?

You'll say, you know, make a thousand dollars. I go, done. I'll come in, we'll hit you in the head to make it look okay. And then we'll take your money. And at the night when you get home, there'll be an A-ball waiting for you. And dude, he would fucking get home at midnight. We'd give him the A-ball. And he'd be so happy. He'd like the next day she had candles. And she was naked, with a bikini on. This woman was fucking huge, with pimples in the back, with thighs and shit. I mean, it was just a fucking nightmare. And please, I'm not here to judge nobody. I'm no fucking Justin Bieber myself. But fucking, I'm serious. I'm no Justin Bieber. But fucking dog, just the fact that he would get psyched up about fucking that fucking behemoth.

Somebody for everybody. It was somebody for everybody. And she was just dead. I mean, she had not one appealing quality. I will tell you what I remember about her. She had a fucking wart on her toe. She was always barefoot. That's what made it even worse for me. They lived on the third floor. Now, they lived on the third floor of like the only bad building in the neighborhood. Like, we had one black person in that neighborhood and they lived in that building. Her name was Marlowe. But they lived on the third floor. And he would fuck her in the tub. He would tell me how he was fucking all this shit. So I would just, I wouldn't even tell him I was gonna rob him. I'd get like a friend of mine and we'd attack Putnam from the back. And he'd go pump the gas.

And when he was walking in, we'd tackle him and we'd punch him a couple of times. And he'd cover up and go, no, help, help. We hit him a couple of times and we'd just take his money and run. But we weren't fucking pounding him or bullying him. We'd just kick him a couple of times when the cops got there. He'd be scraped up, you know? And we'd leave. We'd go home. Me and Dede were fucking nuts. Carlos didn't find out about this like 10 years later. He's like, you guys are robbing what? What's that? What's that? I get just him, him going, you guys did what? That's the greatest story. Rob Putnam's fuel. So we would clip him for like 900, buy an eight ball for 250, give it to him. I'd take a grandma out of it and throw aspirin in it. And I'd buy an eight ball

for me and Dede. And we would get, and we split 200 cash. Meanwhile, this poor schlub would end up on the floor smelling like gasoline with kicks. And we'd give him that eight ball dog and he would go create the next day. He's like, oh, I put a Coke rock in a pussy and it tasted like a chocolate cake. What? Yeah. Cause it's probably, it's probably, it's probably flour in a snatch and fucking Hershey's chocolate. And once you threw the Coke in there, it just became a cake. You nasty motherfucker. But one of the last times we got him, we fucking beat him up and we took his money and he's like, you know, the cops are down and we bought him an eight ball, but we ended up doing it. I forget going over there the next day. And he's like, what's my money? Cause we were going to tell him we

didn't rob him. Like it was somebody else. He kept calling the house and I'm like, what's up? Do you have my cocaine? I'm like, what are you talking about? I got robbed last night. I go, that wasn't us. Yes, that was you. Yes, that was you. So we had to go over and explain. Like, I went over to my dog. It wasn't us. I don't know what you're talking about. He was like, you don't understand. I forget what his wife's name was. It was like a Mimi. He's like, my Mimi had flowers and candles burning and she had a new bikini and that cocaine never showed up. I'll never forget him saying that to me and me going, Ernie, your past dude. Like I can't even rob you no more. Cause you think that woman upstairs is some Brazilian fucking model.

It's fucking amazing the things you went on. What's up, Lee? You ready for another Gumi back? No, thanks. What were you thinking about that hot chick? How you want to eat her ass and shit? Are you sucking on that toe with a ward on it? No, I'm just thinking, just robbing a gas station five times. You never rob a gas station. No, he gets a walk in the park, but there's even a fun. I shopped a different one. I got nervous. There's even a funniest story. This is a kid in Florida. His name was Louis Castellito, aka Digger. Last time I see that's his name. Digger. Last time I saw Louis, he was talking to people and he's like, I remember the time he showed up in my house with a map, like a diagram and it was, he was going to rob a gas station because after a while I needed

partners. I couldn't keep robbing them by myself. You didn't have to do nothing to him. You weren't going to get caught. There was no possibility of jail time because the cops never even thought of putting him for you and nobody gave a fuck about Freddie. He got robbed every week. He was on tunnel of the avenue for Christ's sakes on Saturday. Anybody could rob him. So I would just go like, you saved me, man, I need money for the prom. Perfect. When was the last time you tackled somebody and you're like, I can't tackle you. You're going to tackle street. So I went to his house and I'm like, Tom, dog, I need your help. You need to make some money. We're going to do an A ball and you're going to have some fun. I hit him with a diagram and he's

like, it was like a football play. He had it all diagram. It's like he did it before. I had done it before. I had done it a couple of times where he tells the story every time he comes to my shows. He's like, Coco, shut up with a fucking diagram. You ready for that? X marks the spot. Did you go higher or lower? Did you kneel down behind him or what do you do? No, once you tackled him, then I came out and we were in his pockets and we sit on the little for a little, get him inside control and we take his cash and he goes, stop, stop. I'm calling the police and then we run away. We kick him in the leg or the thigh and we run away. No fucking biggie. What the fuck? Does this country forget how to have fun? This fucking country has forgotten how to have fun and how

they're in a dollar. It just, you know, sometimes they're gimme. Sometimes you go to the gas station guy and you go, let me ask you something. How much do you make here? We gotta make 200 a week. Let me ask you something. Let me come back. I'll kick you in the fucking head and let me take the money and we'll split it. We'll chop it fucking, we'll chop it two ways. That's a start. And no, do go for it. You just have to go on diplomatically. You know what I'm saying? I rather get kicked in the head and get half an envelope than get kicked in the head and get nothing. Right or wrong, Lisa, yeah. You don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let me give a shout out to some fucking beautiful people here because I don't know what I'm gonna do with Lee. We give him

a half a goomy pair. Look at him. He looks like a fucking mook and he's a freak without warning. My appetite for sex makes me so honed. John Wolf G. What is this over here? Raised by Wolves. I love you. Jeremy Katsu, Death Squad, Connecticut and the rest of the affiliates all over the fucking world. Get your shit together. We're taking over Orlando Perez, Joe Farrier and Jay Bish, the teacher up in Pittsburgh. Keep swinging, cocksucker. Besides that, what's going on with you, Lee? I don't want to hear no fucking stories. About what? Can you believe this? Can you believe this fucking cocksucker? Let me fill this up. It's time for you to hit some vapors. Your new name's gonna be Lee Vapors.

It's amazing. I used to rob a gas station. I forgot all about that fucking shit. That's why I love when I sit with somebody because like I told Jess, I go, I'll never think of this shit by myself. Right. I need something. How do you not think about it every day? Like, oh shit, I hope they don't come and get me for when I robbed, putting them fuel. First of all, Ernie's probably dead. That fat fuck probably sat on his face and a klitz around his mouth and he couldn't breathe for fucking days like an octopus grabbing it. It was like one of those tentacles from an octopus. What's with the hand up? Do you think Pontius Pilate said no? He said, keep kicking him. He said, keep kicking

him. It's Friday people. I'm trying to wake up the world here and I got fucking this guy and you're upset because Pontius Pilate. Throw some holy water on him. Any holy water? He didn't bring the holy water with him. I'm gonna have another donut. Have two more. What the fuck? First off, let me put it this way. Yesterday I went on the Rogan podcast. That's the podcast and we spoke about Onnit for about an hour and the benefits of it. And he's right. You know, people take regular supplements. That's not what Onnit's for. Onnit is for fucking optimization of your fucking life. You know, that's why I always take the shroom tag before I fucking work out. That's why I take the alpha brain when I'm writing. Like

right now I've been off the alpha brain for four weeks, but Monday comes along. I'm gonna go right back on the fucking alpha brain. You know, all these things have helped me tremendously. We're not fucking here. You got a money back guarantee with alpha brain. You even got to return the product order at the first fucking time. That's how much they believe in their product. They got the hemp force protein. They got the hemp force protein snacks. They got one of the things that has helped me the most when I fly. And that's turning around fucking 180. When it comes to feeling good, Onnit has the fucking answer for you. You want to work out, you want to do the fucking kettlebells, you want to do the fucking ropes and all that. Onnit has that also. I can't

get you a discount on that. What I get you 20% off is any of those supplements. So do me a favor, go to onnit.com, look around, read up, read the testimonials. They're not fucking with you. That fucking five foot six Sicilian doesn't look the way he does, because he sits there and he counts 20s all days. He works. He knows about his vitamins. He knows about his minerals. He knows about his fucking supplements. Do me a favor, go to Onnit, read up on it, go to the joeydeers.net, go to the Onnit box and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H get 10%, 20% off, receive all the fucking paperwork and all the emails they have

about upcoming things and what they got going on. They're sponsoring Mike Dolce. They're doing contests with Mike Dolce. Onnit does not fuck around. I would not fucking lie to you. Okay. Even multivitamins. I live off their fucking Henfor's protein. I live off their fucking alpha brain. So get your shit together. Okay. Go to onnit.com, press and C-U-R-C-H and get your fucking life together with onnit.com. The same thing with nature's box. Okay. You could sit here. We're having a good time eating yum-yum donuts. They sponsor the show fucking unofficially. You know, we got two fat fucks and a medium fucking spare rib over there. So things fucking go down in their life. But let me tell you something. A good healthy fucking snack is nakedyourbox.com.

You push in joey in the box. You get 50% off your first order. Get the sesame steaks. Get the fucking cashews. Get the pepper fucking cashews. Get the chocolate covered almonds. They will fucking, these snacks are tremendous. You know, when you buy a bag of chips and then you open it up and it says they lie to you. They always say it's 160 calories. But then you realize 160 calories are serving and you've already had two fucking servings. Absolutely. Okay. Listen, the fucking calories, they'll have all natural fucking vitamins in there and supplements and whatever the fuck you call it. All right. It's nutritionist approved. And most importantly, yes, they do do business with Monsanto. And that's who you want to be. No, it's a fucking joke, cocksucker. All

right. Go to naturesbox.com. They have tremendous nutritious flavorful fucking snacks. I sat there with red bandia. They ate a bag of sesame fucking steaks. They are tremendous. Go to naturesbox.com. Press in joey in the box and get 50% off your first order. But Joey, how does that work 50% off your fucking first order? There you go. That's naturesbox right there. Coming out of my fucking asshole. You understand me? Because that's how we work in here. I can't wait to smell that fart. naturesbox.com. Go there right now. Cut the shit. 50% off fucking snacks. Okay. And they got the black and white granola. They got the fucking stuff that'll make your asshole sing like mine just did. That was a Whitney Houston solo. He just did. That was a solo from I always love you.

Just my asshole interpreted it wrong. Number three, the best vapor pen in the market, my main motherfucking gangsters over at naileditlife.com. Tremendous vapors. You understand me? Go to naileditlife.com and press joey D as church. Lee on the elliptical. Get 20% off. That's right. You heard it right. 20% off. You got a tremendous guarantee. Like I told Dave and Peter last week, one good thing I always hear about naileditlife is they have executive, a tremendous customer service. And in my world, it's all about customer service. It's like he told me because I rather send you a battery than you write a bad review. It cost me $3. Go to naileditlife.com, the best vapor pen on the fucking market, and it's back to 100%. Let them know you're doing business

with the fucking flavor, brothers. And you got 20% off your fucking order. You understand me? And they got the gummies in my mouth. So remember what I told you on it, naturesbox.com and fucking nailed it life. Did you smell that for it? No, did you? No, that's because it's fucking nature's box. I love that you broke out the Monsanto joke. The star. I love that you broke out the Monsanto joke. How about you, you know, the fucking gummies? How about I put a vapor tube up your ass and press my life? What does Sicilians know about nutrients and stuff for audit? You're like, what do you think that Sicilian doesn't? Joe Rogan. You fucking look at you. You want another candy bar? No,

why not? I'm way too high. You're not way too high. We got to go to catapult class. You better straighten up. What are you all about? What do you think this is immigration? It's not Michael Jackson. This is not thriller. What's going on? I'm loving life. I'm just happy to be here with you guys. I wouldn't even been awake. But you called last night and I go, all right, that's it. Uncle Joey calls. You know Brad Williams? He had a little party over at his house because he's going to Brazil for the World Cup. So he goes, come over, have a sandwich, have a drink if you want to drink. And then I did that. And then I went out with a nice young lady. It was a beautiful night. It was my only night. I'm not doing comedy this week. You're beautiful.

That's why because you dedicate, you know, like other people are fucking over here. I want to jump up and down and do movies and shit. I fucking stab you, cocksucker. From now on, you got to have a notebook. Where's the app? Lee is responsible for the church of what's happening now app. Every week, I want you to hit Lee up and go, yo, where's the fucking app, cocksucker? Because I can't hit them up enough for six months. Where's the app, Lee? Where's the, every day tells me a story. The guy didn't call them back. There's no app sold to Jews. Every day got a new fucking story. That shit ends today, cocksucker. Who was it? Who was at my man's house, Brad? He had probably six chicks for every dude that that was there. And I was only there for

like the first hour or two hours. I bet that midget's got a two foot dick. He's got to make a dick on his fucking head. I'm sure there were so many girls there. He's always got a different hot chick with them. Broad's love midgets. I don't know what the fuck it is. I wish I was a fucking midget down in my knees. You know why? Because you could do dirty, filthy things. You don't have to fucking get out of bed with them. They could just eat your ass by fucking standing up on their tippy toes. Can you imagine if you could eat somebody's ass on your fucking tippy toes, Lee? I haven't heard the expression tippy toes in 30 years. What's that? Tippy toes. Tippy toes, that's hysterical. Can you imagine only just picking up your toes and having your nose in

some chick's asshole, sucking that fucking memory. If you want to lose weight, ultimate weight. A lot of people don't know this pussy juice is better than grapefruit. Some people eat a grapefruit, we call for you in the morning. It's kind of burning the enzymes. Let me tell you something. You get that pussy, you dig deep, you finger that motherfucker, and you get some of that juice from the walls to come out. Let me tell you something. You get some of that fucking cane juice to come out of those walls, that old sperm that goes in there and sits. That shit. Boy, I think Madonna got so thin like that because she fucking don't fuck around. She sucks ass pussy over there. She goes to England just to suck like 30-year-old pussy. It's got that juice,

and that juicemate keeps your skin tightly. You'll look like a fucking young Jew. What's the matter with you, Lee? Look at the shape of your shit. Man, you all right, my brother? I'm good. You excited about your new future? You're a thin, healthy, young man, no more fucking couches, no more fucking Green Bay, no more New England. You're already sending me tweets. Who's sending you tweets? What about the abs? They're already sending you tweets. Sure. Yeah, no more fucking around with you. You're taking them back old school. You're not making money off New England. What do you give a fuck? So every day before a game,

you watch it. As soon as the game comes on, but this is what your new plan is for the year. When New England starts your exercise, you catch it from half-time only. That's your treat. You only watch them from half-time in if you've exercised for the first 30 minutes. No pre-game football. You ain't Jimmy the Greek. You ain't no fucking analyst. It's like you bet. You don't give a fuck. You're just jumping up and down from the neighborhood. Who gives a fuck? You think they jumping up and down for you? Leads on the chair if they jump up and down? Yeah, what the fuck? It's over. We're going back to old school here. Lead dedication. You're putting out a yarmulke again. We're going back to additionalists. Why fucking around? All right. You know,

I no more Chipotle, no more that shit, no more disgusting food, no more Vin of the Book, Book of the Pepper, that shit you ate with them fucking artificial Italians. It's still, you still like that shit. That shit's all coming to an end. You're on salads and fucking pencils. You understand me? Salads and pencils. What's going on? What are you doing pencils? Shove them up your ass off. I don't fucking know. Would you like to buy a pencil? Would you like to buy a flower? So I can shove it up your ass. So great. So that's it, my brother. I love you to death. I'm happy you're doing what you're doing. I couldn't do this podcast without you. So you got to be happy. You know, the beautiful thing about

the podcast is every week people send us these emails, Joey, you and Leah helping people more than what you know. Really? You fucking momos are helping us more than what you know, because you keep me in check. You know, you keep me in fucking check, you know, and the same thing with Lee. You make me want to go out and do better material for you. You make me want to come here and write what I'm going to talk about on the podcast and be prepared and pick good music for you. So it's not all about you guys. You guys are doing the same for me and I want you to do the same for this fucking done up here. Look at you. It's over. It's over. These people love you. They want your health. They want the best for you. Without you, we can't do this podcast. So from

now on, I don't want to hear that you're packing. I don't want to hear you picking your mother up at the airport. I don't want to hear nothing. The first thing after we fucking leave here is you're jogging. You're walking. You're getting your life together. You're breathing. You're going to get a notebook. You're going to write down your goals and your life and what you've done every week. And that's it. No more packing. No more home eating. No more nothing. Before you even go down there to pick up your fucking girlfriend, they eat that Mexican heart food that'll kill you. You got to run around the fucking north Hollywood park. That's the only way you could do it, Lee. Because then instead of eating four inch ladders, you know you just walked four fucking laps.

You just walked four fucking laps. I ain't eating eight inch ladders. I'm going to eat three of them and I'm not going to eat the Mexican rice. I'm going to have a salad. Do you follow me? And you can still have your enchiladas because in the Mexican rice, it's eight points a fucking cup. You ain't got time for Mexican rice. I don't even look at Mexican rice no more. If I got to eat rice, I'll eat white rice if I definitely have to. I had pork fried rice last week and whatever. I had a little cup of it and I could taste the grease in it. It was delicious. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. They're nothing better than Mexican rice with that fucking pig fat in it and that lard. That's why it's eight points a fucking that shit in the shit. The rice

of Benihana, that gives you a heart attack. That's why that rice of Benihana is so delicious. That shit will kill you. So that's all for it. That's all they're going to tell you on Weight Watchers League. They're going to say that you leave. We don't give a fuck if you read enchiladas. Well, how many did you eat last week? I don't even eat six. That means you ate eight. So eat three with a salad. Tell fucking mama, grandma go, you want me to keep fucking hanging out of here and buying cakes and everybody has a good time? You got to feed me healthy and she'll know. She'll know. Yeah, I mean, my plan for now is not to have any of it because I can't. No, I don't want you walking around wounded. I don't want to leave. When you can't have an enchilada,

you're going to walk around wounded. It's like having a chick with you that's a whore and you can't eat her pussy. Why have her around? You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong? It's like hooking up with a chick that sucks a million dicks a day and you don't want her to suck your dick. I need for you to live. I need for you to have a life. With that, the church of what's happening now always. Steve Simone, what's happening, bro? Thank you for having me. I want you to tell me a fucking story. I can't see your neck. Something. You know what I'm saying? I want you to drop some knowledge on me today and nothing for your uncle Joey. I bought doughnuts. I'm here. I'm hanging out. I'm listening. I'm laughing. Well, doughnuts, I want you to be involved. I want you to tell me

a story, something. What happened? Did you and your brother jump up on that? You didn't see the ways of the last backwards? Tell me something. You remember? Oh, I was talking to my brother yesterday about in the 80s when they were talking about the backward masking and heavy metal songs that if when you played them backwards, right, they don't do that. Nobody's talking about that. She don't want to suck the devil's dick. So already she already caught a beating. So why are you going to talk bad about the devil and play the music backwards or whatever? Lee, it's fucking Friday. I can't send these people off. What's the thing that he, what's that more without Pacino and the other kid? I send you on some months we use against. I send

you out. There's a passage in the Bible. What the devil's advocate? Yeah, the devil's that movie was pretty scary. That's a scary movie. What's the line? He says to I send you out amongst the lambs. That's what I'm doing with you. I send my only son out there amongst the fucking wolves dressed as a lamb or something like that. Something like that. How the fuck do you go to church every Sunday? You don't know this passage. What am I going to do with you? Oh, I didn't know if you're going to move the sheep amongst the lambs, that one. Yeah, what is it? I don't know. I got a fucking half a Catholic and a half a Jew here. We got to get back to traditions, you understand? Let me just open up a church for you two fucking momos. We got

ropes in there and whips and protein powders. Why the whips? I don't know, Lee. It's an expression. When was the last time you whip somebody? Never. Well, that's my fucking point. Why don't you get a whip this week and whip Paula? No. Consider it. Just put her against a wall whipper. That sounds terrible. You fucking Viva Sopata, you cop sucker. When did you whip anybody? I whipped Terry last night with the back of the belt called her a fucking Indian. No, I didn't. If I had to tell you what I felt, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be living on fucking fire right now in my bed next to the cat. I love you. I love you guys. I love you people at home. I love that you support the church

and you support what we're doing. You know, we're coming at you straight from the heart. Like, what's his name in the 80s? You came at you straight from the heart. Put on the King of Rock by fucking Rum DMC. That's where I know. Oh, shit. I got a respect for my main man, Steve Simone. I love you guys. I want to give a shout out to Onnet, a shout out to naturesbox.com, naileditlife.com, escapepodtank.com, my people over at fucking Hulu Plus, two weeks for free. I got my motherfuckers over at Dollar Shave Club, giving you razors and fucking knives and whatever the fuck you need. The rest is up to you. The rest is up to you people. Like I said, on the Rogan podcast the other day,

keep showing up. Something good will fucking happen. You know what I'm saying? Keep showing up. That's all that matters. Even if it's twice a week, you showed up. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Lee, I love you. Cock sucker, Steve Simone. I love you, Uncle Joey. Sunday, July. It's 11th and 12th, La Jolla. La Jolla and then Sunday. Where? This Sunday at the Irvine. They give you all the fun dates, don't they? Yeah. You got to work like a fucking savage on a Sunday. People can't get to church on Sunday, but you expect to go to a comedy show on Sunday. So you got to pack it and you got to tell me

you're going to be the funniest fucking Steve Simone. They're ever going to see, they're going to have to tell 60 minutes to suck that dick. DVR, that motherfucker. Who gives a fuck about Jay Leno and Chinese people riding horses and fucking Chinese people. Every week, they throw you with a story like I'm supposed to give a Frenchman's fuck. You understand me? My main man. My main, what's his name? Steve Simone. This Sunday. You want another edible before? Let's do another half. No, no, no. In his podcast, good times. A little and a half of gloomy. No, just to get the party started. It's already started. Just a little, what's started? I'm there. All right. As long as you're there. And my main man,

Lee Syat, have a great motherfucking weekend at church. What's happening now? Constantine Reign, waterboxer, Cleo fucking the kid in the Germany, the little Spanish kid in Germany, El Nino. I love all you motherfucking. Stay black. Thank you, Joey. Thank you. Now this show's over. Remember to go to naturebox.com in order of great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks, martyr in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get half off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. And thank you to NailedItLife.com for their, for the community of a friend on the market and mentioned Joey. He has to get 20% off.

First thing I said to myself, that fucking Steve Simone. You ain't gonna believe this place. Let's do this, Nate. I'm telling you, come on, you're gonna bug. Hey, this is a rock and roll museum. You guys don't belong in here. Put it on, put it on for you, bro. Oh, shit. So good. Yeah. Now we crash through walls, bust through floors, bust through ceilings

And knock on doors, and when we on the tape, refresh out the box You can hear our sound for blocks and blocks, that is brilliant Brilliant! Where's the beat? Uncropped and believable man And where's the beat preference? With the balance of the band, I'm being seen, I rock and roll It's not took a treat, and it's not an April Fool

It's all brand new, never ever unsoon Are you fucking kidding me? You got some music in your body, and you can't comprehend And your feet won't bend Music ain't nothing but a few more jams It's DJ Run, DFC, rocking without a band DFC, DFC, DFC Now I walk through an ice, and never felt, I spent my time in a press show tap

I stood on many stages, held many mice, take airplane flights, add huge heights So you suck at MCs, you gotta say please Cause when he jumps high, I'm pulling down wings, got a song so strong He's turning down dreams, isn't hard to believe From DFC, C, C I am from around the way And runs all the stride every day And J, please directly see, has to play And we get down with no delay Hey, I run cross play once I speak And runs since the rhymes that are unique

And J, cause directly every day of the week And we are the crew like it never be me So don't try to diss me, try to be my friend Cause if you do, you'll get yours in the air And you'll arrive me safe, so set a trend Because a devastating rap is what we say õ Every jam we play, we break two needles There's three of us but we're not the Beatles My name is Darryl, you can call him D, you can call me Darryl Mast And you can call him DMC People always ask DMC, what does it mean? We'll never dirty and see if we're mostly clean

We rock our core I'll be there all night to scratch I'll be there to see how the drill is And then we got the nag To attract Our rhymes and afro-dz-yack Real rain on the brink And rock your night

When it comes to rock Give it all we got to BMC We got what it takes But the pop is pop And the break is break Are you fucking crack? Are you fucking that? That's the way it is

So stay the hell back We're crossing our times We're stuck to MCs Cause they don't make no songs like these Are you fucking crack? Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop Thanks for watching!