Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #189 - Joey Diaz, Mick Betancourt, Goldberg and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comedian and tv writer Mick Betancourt. There is also a surprise guest call from former NFL player, wrestler and actor Goldberg. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 06/23/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Thank you to onit.com. Go there for all of your supplements and nutrients like alphabrain and shroom tech immune and sport. Mention church and get 10% off. And

thank you to escapepodtank.com. Go there for all of your sensory deprivation tank needs. Mention joeyds of the church and they're going to save you an additional $250. Are you kidding me or what? Crank that motherfucker league. What? Hit it! Are you fucking kidding me? Monday. June 23rd. The day the devil went down in flames. Fuck him. It's over. It's a whole new fucking week. Get it together. Start the diet. Quit smoking. Stop fucking on the toe. You know shit like that. Get it together, cock suckers. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. And the best thing about it. You're going to kick that motherfucker league little cock. In the darkest corners.

I'm smoking for you. What? Till the end my friends. What? June fucking 23rd. And you're alive. It's your fucking world. Grab a gun. Grab a knife. A toothpick. A pen. Something. We're going deep today. What are you looking at, Lee? Get this fucking thing. Enough with the music. I just imagine you doing that ad concert. Just like the whole concert's going on. You're like, what? What the fuck? What, bitch? Get your shit together. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Whatever the fuck is in your mind, whatever doubt you got, fuck them all. You're the man. You're the king of swing today. You're going to have to fucking bend down and rub your feet,

you know what I'm saying? Or wash them. Whatever the fuck happened. What's going on, my little brother? Feeling fantastic. What's up? You're looking good. You put gel in the head, dude. What are you going to put gel in the fucking head? It doesn't matter. If you put gel in your head, dude, the scalp will say, Jesus Christ, I got hair. You know what I'm saying? You got to fucking think positively. I wish it worked that way. No, I feel fucking great. Great weekend. Didn't do much. Fucking perfect. Who's better than you? You're going to go see some Chica Lannis, whatever, and stand on line like a fucking communist. You know what? I've done a bunch of crazy things that I shouldn't have done. Do you see all those people in Chicago

standing up watching a 90-minute soccer game? I was like, holy shit. How was your weekend? Tremendous. You know what I did? Dick, dick. Fuck, not having a good time. We should do a Halloween episode. I'm over there and you're over here. Okay. Halloween episode. Well, it's fucking July, Cocksucker. I'm thinking ahead. That's July. It's fucking really July. It's the 20-something. That's it. We got one week left. 23rd, I think. Yeah. We got one week left and Chinese people start coming into your neighborhoods. It's the 4th of July. We sell fireworks. When I was a kid, that's why you knew the fucking 4th of July was coming. Some Chinese kids were coming to the neighborhood with a car

and they popped a trunk. You come over there like blankets in there and explosives. Do you ever light fireworks? What? Do you ever light fireworks? No, no. I've been fucking sitting here. I don't know that. Fuck you. I play with fireworks. I had all we had were like sparklers. Yeah, that's like David Towson. That's a cousin to the fucking gay guy. I know. They didn't have some ass excuses. You got to fucking hunt them down. You got to get fire. Cherry bombs and fucking M80s and fucking sparklers and Roman candles. And then you take the fucking stick off the bottle rockets and they fucking go crazy. You didn't have a good time. You didn't go to Chinatown as a kid. I mean, no, nothing Boston. You're slipping. And you take

the bus for the 50 and you come back with fireworks and you're selling fucking retail. You never did that. Go into the city and buy fucking fireworks wholesale. No. Just what I'm talking about. We got to do it this summer. We got to take you down to Fubang City down there in Chinatown. Fubang City? What the fuck they call it down, man? You get some fireworks, some bottle rockets, some new chucks. You buy them wholesale. I had new chucks. Those were fun. Sure. They're fun. That's why you're fucked. Your head is all fucked up because you hit yourself in the head. But it's true. When you're a kid, you know, the first two summers, you pay retail on the street and you go fuck this shit. Then you just get a bunch of your

buddies fucking money. You go down to China and take a bus down to Chinatown. There are no buses in my town. I don't know how. How'd you live there? What? They have mules and shit people getting with the fuck. Get. Walk your fuck. Yeah, like 20, 30 miles. Jesus. Jesus fucking did it. He walked all over the world. What's going on? You're beautiful. Motherfuckers. Monday, June 23rd. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Things are bad all fucking over. The devil didn't die. The devil died. I know those guys went to the World Series of fighting. You know what, man? I had it. It's tough to get a fucking baby. My wife, she said, told me tonight. So we finally got a fucking baby. We got a baby from six to 11.

We left at six and we're back by nine to 15. We've been taking no more. My wife won some gift certificate to a Fleming's thing. Like $100 gift certificate. And we've had it. It had to be used by like fucking July. So we went to the Fleming's at the Pena Canyon and it was delicious. It was fucking delicious. And my wife had a good time. My wife had a bloody marry. Oh shit. So she was fucked up on this. She kept telling me, I can't believe I'm this fucked up on one vodka. But what are you going to do? We went to Fleming's. I got the fillet. I didn't eat the big steak like an animal. We got the seafood towel. I didn't touch the bread, you know? Yeah. And we went for coffee, you know? We went for fucking dessert somewhere else. And it was very

nice just to get her out of the house. Yeah. We got home. We paid the babies. The babies are like, yeah, the babies been sleeping for an hour. Okay. She gets up. She leaves. My wife opens the door. There's the fucking baby in the dark playing with her fucking some light shit she's got. And we took her out and played with her for another hour when that was it. But it's amazing. We went to eat at Habit last week. You know, the Habit. They have a great ahi salad. Oh nice. And they have a great tritip salad. It comes with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers. And I was sitting there when we were sitting in this booth. I didn't really want to say it. It's amazing how you have to eat your words in your life. You really do a lot. And nobody eats more fucking words than

I do. Nobody has to apologize more than I do. And it's so funny. I'm sitting in this booth and it's me, my wife and the baby. And two years earlier, when Terry was like six months pregnant, seven months pregnant, I was going through so much in my head. I was scared that something was going to happen to her at the birth. I was scared that the baby was going to come out fucking stoned. You know, I just had all these fears and I didn't know if I could handle it. And I'm the one day just going off in there. Like it's not yelling and screaming, but going to her. You know what? When you have this kid, I got to do comedy. I got to be involved with the child. I can't be around this kid that much. You know, I don't really want to be that.

I'm not that type of guy. I mean, why would this kid love me? Why would this kid, you understand me? Well, did he say that to her? Yeah, I was feeling really bad about myself. And I just, people make mistakes, man. And I just had like a nervous breakdown. Like I didn't have a fucking nervous breakdown, but I had my own little personal breakdown, which we all have from time to time. And we can't put our fingers on what happened. And that's what fucking happened. You know, we, we all have doubts three times a fucking year. We're all fucking humans. We're all sinners. You know, we're all have the same fucking problems. And I was looking at her and she's pregnant. I didn't know what to think of my future. You know, I didn't know what the fuck was going to

happen. All I know is I was going to be 50 with a fucking child. And that's just, to me, it sounded crazy. It sounded very selfish at the time. So I was just telling like, Oh, listen, man, you know, I can't be involved. Now fast forward to two years now, and I'm sitting there with this baby that I couldn't, I couldn't imagine my life without her now. Yeah. Could never imagine your life with a child. Well, guess what? Once one comes along, you're not going to imagine your life without a child. It's like, I couldn't imagine my life without my cats. Because, you know, this morning I got up at three to pee. It was 315, right? Yeah. And I went right back to bed and I was like, I'm wide awake. But I fought myself. Boom. And I must have fallen asleep because I woke up

to the fucking alarm. Nine out of 10, I wake up, you know, on my own. Today I woke up to the alarm. And when I wake up the alarm, I get pissed off at myself because that means I got a short window to work with, you know? Okay. So I fucking ran. I got into the shower. But before I got into the shower, I put the coffee on. And when I was putting the coffee on, as I was walking out, I tripped over Harry. And just as I was about to field punt him, I looked at him and I go fucking Harry. And I bent over, picked him up, gave him a kiss. And there was my day. Like my day was made after picking up that cat as long as he was just tripping me two minutes fucking earlier. And I almost kicked him. Now I got to pick him up and kiss him and tell him I love him. That was my day.

So as I'm getting a shower, I'm laughing because I can't believe I just picked up a cat and told him, you know, what the fuck is your problem? So right there, the cat won because I laughed. Yeah. I laughed. It made me laugh. It didn't cost me $10. I didn't have to fucking smoke weed. I didn't have to fucking go to a movie and put up with Will Farrell's fucking ass. I just giggled, you know? So everything serves its purpose. So bro, don't ever feel bad if you got to eat your fucking words from time to time because I do every day. I can't believe I'm trying to eat this and I didn't say nothing to my wife because I thought my wife was going to say, do you remember this particular booth? Yeah. And the shit you were saying and she didn't say nothing till I told

her a day later. She's like, as we were leaving, I was remembering that day, Joey. And she goes, for you to say something, it's huge. She goes, you were pale. She goes, you had a nervous breakdown that day. She goes, that was, she goes, what was going on? And it was because I was reading the internet and I was worried. I was worried about Terry. She's 42 about to give birth, you know? You read all these stories about people dying on a fucking thing and now you left with this child and you got to tell the child that she was, she fuck, you know, anyway, why even go there? So that's what it was. So it's amazing the things that you live on. I couldn't imagine my life without this fucking child now. But on the way home from Flemings, whatever I ate at Flemings made me go

to the bathroom because I have a double espresso. Don't have a double espresso of your assholes not close to a toilet. That's always a fucking mistake. I had a drive from Topanga Canyon. How far down Topanga Canyon? No, no, Topanga exit. Oh, just the edge, okay. And you go down a big street and they have like different restaurants there and they have a fat man store there. That's the only other fat man store they got in fucking. They got Woodland Hills and Burbank. And the Burbank is like the little cousin to the fucking fat man store. So they send you all fashions for ugly fucking fat people. The hip fat fucking people go to the one in Woodland Hills. That's where they got everything on every size. Radar shirts, everything. Like whatever you want, they got there

for the fat person. But if they don't sell it, they sell it down a fucking Glendale for the Armenians and whatever, you know, the chubby fucking Armenians. So it's just kind of weird. But I had those two expresso shots. And let me tell you something. I went home and by the time I got to Studio City, I told my wife, run upstairs and throw the babysitter out because what I'm coming up there like a fucking whip with Nakasaki is going to drop out of my asshole. When I went in there, I took three fucking, I flushed that toilet three times and I heard something go, and I said, fuck it's not flushing them. I ain't gonna say nothing about it. And the next one, I woke up in the pipe burst. So I don't know if it's my fucking digestive tract that blew up that pipe. And this week,

I can't eat, I gotta eat chicken, no cantaloupe and nothing but vegetables and chicken and fish till Thursday because I got a shit in a cup this week and mail it in. And I got, why can't you only eat chicken? Only chicken, no meats. I can't eat cantaloupe. I don't know. It'll fuck up the reader or whatever. Yeah, they're reading. So on Thursday all day, I got a shit and every shit, I got to take a little scoop of it, put it in an envelope and save it. You just dump a little 20 in the envelope for the person and just like, I feel you, Doug. Sorry. You're a good man. That's a good idea. You know what I'm saying? I'm not to put a little 20 wrinkled up in there. So when they open up this shit, there's a little 20 like, what the fuck happened? It's my lucky day. They open up a

piece of shit, but I got a 20 in the envelope. Who's that? That's what I'm talking about. You're a fucking savage. I love fucking Lisa. He's always thinking, me, I'm slipping cock suckers. It's a beautiful day. Get up. Great weekend. The weather's still fucking nice. The weather's nice. I went to the park. I did some writing. You know, I'm trying to put this book together with my girl Jessica. So she sent me a hundred fucking pages, 100 pages. That's where you've gone so far. That's awesome. Yeah. And I looked at like 20 of them and I was dizzy. I cried. I shut the computer down because when you read about something that has to do with your life, it's completely fucking different. But as usual, I got aggravated this weekend always. What happened? I got aggravated

at fucking Gentiles for talking nonsense. I made a comeback to the farmer's market. And that fat fucking Japanese paparazzi was there and I just eyeballed him. And the whole time I kept thinking about fucking stabbing them. So I went to the Mexican fruit stand where the real cool Mexicans and I asked for two Mexicans with no paperwork in a knife. Get it ready just in case you take over this motherfucker because let me tell you something. There's something as dangerous as a Mexican with no paperwork. Those motherfuckers are stabbing there on the next bus to tea on one bomba and you're in no danger of catching those cocksuckers that happens every day. Those Mexicans with no papers, they'll stab you in the fucking neck and they're

on the 22 to Lancashire. Next thing you know, they're in fucking Mexico. And meanwhile, you're at the hospital fucking playing Spanish songs, looking at pictures of America's most wanted, trying to figure out who fucking stabbed you. Get the fuck out of here. So did anything happen? What happened at the farmers market? I'm sitting there and I hear these two fucking gentiles that were fucking just ultra douchebags. You know what they, with their rhetoric about how, take a look at this farmers market, you know. Like I said, I go up there at nine in the morning to get fish and we get a couple vegetables and we got this one Spanish stand and they always have like fruit for us. Like

yesterday they had these cherry peaches, like I guess some fucking moron combined the cherry and the peaches or something like that. So it was great. I'm gonna stay 30 of them. I'm gonna shit peaches when I go home. I'm gonna stay 30 of those little peaches last night. I'm not kidding, they were delicious. We just go over there and talk to them and I like the farmers market except for the fucking people. I like the farmers market. Is that the one right by the post office? This is the one by Lord Canyon. But then there's one by the post office on Saturdays. The only thing they got there is Filipino chicken sticks and some fucking fruit juice, but it's delicious. Okay. They could put chicken on a stick and glaze it to Filipinos. Nice people, really nice

family and they have juices like watermelon juice, mixed with armies, all natural juices. They're pretty fucking good. But after that's just a bunch of fucking people trying to sell massages and kids are, you know, pain. Okay. Lord Canyon's the one to go to. Lord Canyon's a long one. They got snow cones. They got pizza. The pizza's delicious. You get a margarita. They trim it. They burn it nice. Don't get the cheese. Get the margarita. It's got a little less cheese, more sauce, a couple pieces of that green shit. Tremendous dog. It's a real nice fucking breakfast. They have paella. They've got hot dogs with the fucking bacon around it. They've got the juices, the Mexican juices. They got a place that has watermelon, you know,

avocado or cucumber juice with something else. They have a couple of different ones, but they're fucking specialty and they only have it once a month is the strawberry milk or watered down with ice cubes. You're fucking world blend. You understand? Like, can you mind your world blend? You smoke two joints and walk around that fucking thing. You walk around like a fucking savage. But it's so crazy that I sat and for some reason this always goes into my ears. And it doesn't piss me off because they're talking about Mexican people. It pisses me off because of the mindset. Again, when somebody says that our country's going to the wolves, because my son, he said something about my son just graduated college. It's a shame he can't find

a fucking job in his field because, you know, so he went to college and now you're still blaming the fucking Mexicans. And I felt like I was so angered by hearing that statement because let me tell you what that means. That means you're already putting a kiss of death on your son. Listen, man, if your son can't get a job and fucking construction on the brick layers, which I agree with, this country has taken away that bottom like, if you want to learn to be a carpenter today, it's going to be very hard. Really? Sure. Because when I want to learn to be a carpenter, when I was 20, 20, let's say 20, 30 years ago, I could walk into a carpentry shop and say, hi, I'd like to be a laborer. And they'd say, okay, when can you start tomorrow? You know,

it's fucking dog work. You got to pick up, let's say they're building this office buildings, you're picking up scraps, you're going to get coffee, you're stocking the different carpenters with wood, whether it be two by sixes, two by 12s, two by fours, you know, whatever the fuck they may need. And at the end of the day, it's clean up, putting away people's tools. But as time progresses, you start picking up a ham and you make cuts for people. People say, Lee, give me a 14, three quarter by six and you start making and you give it to them. Now you're more involved in the building process. But at the same time, you're learning a trade. Before you know it, you're involved in that trade. Yeah. The problem is now it's not really a problem is that the Americans

have figured out that it's cheaper to hire a fucking Mexican. And you don't have to teach them shit. I don't have to spend my day with them. You teach them one time and they'll do the same job for fucking 18 years and be happy at 10 bucks an hour. Do you follow me? I don't know. So it's very tough. And I get it. And I get it. But you have to fucking outwork the next guy. I get it. You look at a job site and you go, well, I can't be an electrician's helper because they have Mexicans. I can't be a mortar, a hottie because they have Mexicans. So if you go in there thinking about that, you know what? You got to go to the fucking, you know how many fucking jobs I got when I was a kid by going up to something and going, how are you doing? I remember living

like an aspen in Colorado and like places like that and being a young man and just walking out construction site and going, hey, how about I work for fucking three days for free? If you don't like me, you send me home. If you like me, we work something out. Anybody will take free fucking labor and I'd go there and I'd work the fucking guy. This is when I was 21 and 22 when I was a strong fucking kid. I can't do that now. I cannot work a fucking, I cannot work a 50 fucking year old. You know what I'm saying? But you go there and you prove yourself. We've taken that even belief in our fucking children. You know, kids, if I had a son today and he couldn't find a fucking job, I'd go, come here. I drove by that fucking thing. They're building over there. I want you

to go there every morning at eight o'clock, every fucking morning at eight o'clock and you ask for Joe and you go, are you looking for help? Eventually he's going to put you to fuck on. But that day he puts you on, you got one minute to fucking shine because it's like, it's like television now. If your idea ain't good, they'll cut you. It's not like Syntho wouldn't last today. They don't give you eight episodes no more and then sit around and go, oh my God. No, the bottom line is the guetus. How much advertising dollars are they fucking bringing in? The same thing when it comes to labor. How much are you saving me in fucking labor? If I got to hire Lee and I got to hire two guys to help Lee, he's defeating the fucking purpose.

Because not only do I have to pay the wage, like let's say I pay lease, I got $15 an hour to be my labor, I also have to pay the fucking state for that insurance thing, $15 an hour, whatever I pay. So you really, your work to me is $30 an hour. If I pay you for an $8 a day, it's $240 is what you're really costing me after insurance. And I forget that fucking word, I'm a workman's comp. You pay workman's comp the same amount that you work to fuck. Yeah, that's why a lot of people get illegal help or non-union help because I don't have to pay your work as comp at $10. I got $10, that's why the unit, that's why you can't work in the bricklayers' unit anymore or want to steal workers' unit because they said fuck it, they hire, that's where the mafia comes

in, they hire non-union work. So yeah, you still pay me $35 an hour for labor, but I pay fucking moe over here, 10, and I pocket $25 and 15 of it goes for the fucking mop. Okay. So that's what you, you feel me? Do you feel me? I feel, it's probably interesting if you talk to them like what kind of job is someone's looking for because I have a lot of friends who are looking for jobs, but they're looking for only specific kinds and they won't take anything else. Oh, then they're going to be sucking dick by the time they're 31. The thing that kills me is I have a friend who's moving out, he just graduated college and he's going to move out here working TV as producer. And I told him, come out here in

the summer because all the shows are starting. And he's like, and I heard from, I heard from my mom the other day that he's going to, he's going to spend the summer in Philly and come out in September, come out in September and he'll be unemployed until January. Fuck them. I gave them your advice. You did what you did. Fuck them. They know more than you do, but you're out here. You ever have those people? They know more than you, but you're the one that's out here breaking your fucking ass. You're the one that still looks at the fucking job things because you're not a lazy kid. You look at the fucking job board and you see what's out there. Fuck them. Listen, if you really want a fucking job, you get a fucking job. Okay. If you really want a fucking

job, you get a job. When I wanted a job, I was up at 630. I had the paper by seven and the paper don't mean dick because the paper is the same thing that a thousand other million other fucking people are looking at. You're all chasing the same fucking nickel. Why the fuck are you chasing the same nickel? You got to chase a complete different fucking nickel. And that's where these people have forgotten. Walk into an office building. They got 50 fucking right? How you doing? My name is Joey. I want to know if you have anything you guys need help. We make a luggage here and we are looking. Who gives a fuck? You're looking for work, right? It's $10 an hour to start making luggage and working in a hot warehouse until you find another fucking job. And the biggest thing I

learned because someone got hired at one of my jobs by doing that. He came by with a resume. And the biggest thing I learned is it's not going to be the most, the person who most deserves the job. People who are hiring are like everybody else. They're fucking lazy. So if you come in with a resume and you fit the basic qualifications, they're like, fuck, now I don't have to spend four days interviewing people. If I'm looking for a fucking job, I'm not going to look at the computer. I mean, I look at the computer just to get a feeling what's out there, whatever the fuck jobs in your thing. But when you really want a job, you really want a fucking job. Internet jobs are hard because there's thousands of people applying to them. They're all chasing the same

nickel. So you have to fucking improvise. That means you got to go today. I'm going to park my car on fucking Ventura and I'm going to walk from the 1200 block to the 1300 block and take me an hour. And that's it. But I'm going to walk into every fucking shoe store. Hey, how you doing? My name is Lee. I'm looking for a fucking job as a salesman. You never know. Listen, I'm a stand-up comic, but part-time people call me in for auditions. And my job is to end her fucking job. You follow me? Her job is to find me. When I got the longest yard, they didn't want to see me. I didn't give a fuck. I went above those people. When I took a tape, me and Chuck Savage, God bless him, he fucking taped me in Houston and I sent it in because I wanted it. I believed in myself that much.

It starts with fucking belief. You got to fucking believe in yourself and go, this week I'm getting a fucking job. I don't give a fuck what my mom or my cousin, you know, because everywhere you go, what are they telling you? It's tough to get a job. I know it's tough to get a job, but you're tougher than that. You're fucking tougher than that. That's what, you know, enough with this shit about enough with the fucking Mexicans and the Russians and these fucking people taking your fucking jobs. If you want a fucking job, you're getting it. That's what's called being an American is that you know what? When you show up there, you're going to be the best person there is. I've said this a thousand times. I roofed for years.

I roofed for my in-laws. You know what? I could have showed up at eight and left at two and nobody would have said nothing. But you know what? That's not the cut I am. They offered to give me a job. They were paying me $15, $20 a fucking hour to throw fucking dirt around. So I got there first and I left last. I picked up papers. I did shit nobody else wanted to do because I was their brother-in-law. It's the same mentality when you're a fucking American. Okay, so the fucking Mexicans are taking your job. The Russians, the Armenians cut it the fuck out, go down there. This country is 240 fucking years old, correct? 1776. They became a country because we're bad. Play the fucking national anthem because they got me fired up today. 240 fucking years we've been around.

We are the greatest. We help fucking everybody. But guess what? Don't mistake our fucking kindness for fucking weakness. We're still fucking Americans. And you got to get up every morning and fuck that little circle of loser friends you have that tell you don't go down there. They're not going to hire you. They're not going to hire you because you have that fucking loser attitude walking in. You're going to grab your fucking balls. You're going to take a shit. You're going to wipe fucking your ass. You're going to brush your teeth. You're going to put gel on your head. You're going to fuck them. Whatever the fuck, put your mouthwash in your fucking mouth and you're going to go down and you're going to go listen. I know you're not hiring but I'm the

best motherfucker available to you. You know why? Because I'm a fucking American, okay? Whether I'm black, a chink, a spick, whatever the fuck I am, I'm a fucking American. And I'm going to outwork all these motherfuckers here. Give me ten hammers. Ten fucking hammers. What time you close five? I'll be here when you fucking get here at six cock sucker. You're a fucking American. Stop fucking whining. I'm sick of you motherfuckers. 240 years we've been slinging dick and you're still whining about the unemployment rate. What an employment rate. It's only in your fucking head you need to eat your fuck. I'm sorry. I got emotional on Monday mornings, you know what I'm saying? After a weekend with a bunch of fucking Gentiles, get up. It's Monday. It's a beautiful

fucking day to be alive. I want to be around. I was going to say let's put this fucking thing in here. What's that vapor pen? Lee already killed the fucking Gumi, all right? That's it. We ain't got time to fuck around no more. It's 2014. You're still whining, you fuck. The phone ringer? Are you kidding me or what? Two. Pick up the fucking pieces. Sometimes I got to go off. You know what I'm saying? I got to get these people fired up. They love it. You're fucking around here no more. No one. You want to fuck around? Well, this is some other faggy fucking podcast. What's up, my brother? Hey, what are you saying? You know what I mean? I got my blood pressure up to 180. I'm sick and

tired of these fucking Gentiles at the farmers market and Laurel Canyon talking about they can't find a job because fucking Mexicans, fuck you. You're an American. We've been around 240 fucking years. You got to go down and tell these people. Mexicans are nice people, but I was, I was fucking burn on my fucking back. I'm going to outwork all you motherfuckers. You know, the first ones they blame when everything goes down, the Spicks, the yams, the Chinese people, everybody blames them, you know, but fuck it. You got to outwork these motherfuckers. I'm sorry. I get emotional. Monday morning's Macbeth and caught on the fucking phone here. What's happening, my brother? Whatever hustles most has the most. That's right. You got to hustle, cock suckers. You got to get

up. Everybody tells you how bad things are. Every time you, it's all Obama's fault. Get up. Get up. You can't blame on the fucking yam every time. You can't blame on the fucking black guy every time. Get up. You're white. You're an American. I'm sorry. I get emotional. My blood pressure is probably 180 over fucking 190 right now. What's happening? If you're in America, if you're in fucking America, you got a shot. You do anything you fucking want. That's the truth. Take that shit to the bank. Literally the fuck. We were mugging people 20 years ago. We were, we were staying up late trying to fucking roll a bum walking down the street. And now I'm doing a podcast, talking to these youngsters, trying to get them fired the fuck up. Get up. The fucking roller

bum. When you're drunk, you don't want to roll a bum. You do it because you're a gentleman and you're focused. Well, you do it because there's 80 is there's one of them and you want to take who the fuck are you kidding? One time I rolled the bum. I dragged this guy like 40 fucking feet. People are like, leave that guy. Fuck you. He's got new shoes on. You got to change worthy new balance. Fuck you. Fuck you. You got to get up, bitch. I just saw a black guy, 7-Eleven. I had to go buy water. And I walked in and I saw how everybody was treating this guy. This guy had no shoes on. He probably smoked crack for three days, but I am not here to judge. And I didn't have no money on me. You know me. I got the ATM. We all

live in this ATM card. I go out with the family. I spend every fucking dime in cash. So on the way I bought a case of water, I gave him two fucking waters. The kid thought I was Jesus fucking Christ. It was amazing. I just gave him two waters. Like, thank you, sir. God bless you. God bless me. This is my fucking, this is my fucking thing for the day. You got to make somebody's day, you know? I don't give a fuck what color, what the fuck they are. I love when people are like, that person's just going to go buy trucks with it. I fucking hope so. He's living. He's got no shoes on. He's sleeping in an alley in his own shit. Can't he get a hit of crack? Don't you need a little escape from that? And eventually after 10 or 15 hits, he'll realize he don't want to do

the crack no more and he'll become a fucking whatever member society, whatever the fuck you call him, a prolific member of society. Mental illness, all that other society, that's a rough fucking way to live. I've had friends of mine that have been sobering out just over 12 years. I've had friends of mine come off Skid Row. They're fucking miraculous. One, one pal of mine came off the Skid Row, owns a construction company now, lives in a house, two kids. It's fucking unbelievable. But that's what he had to go through. I mean, it's a horrible fucking way of life, man. Throw him a dollar. Who can just fuck what he spends it on? You know, I remember fucking, I was homeless for about a month fucking. And I'm not gonna tell

you I was homeless with fucking grass in my hair walking around. You know, I was homeless, but I still had money to buy snort cocaine. That's always the best fucking story I got. I was homeless, but I was snorting blower every night under a fucking rocket ship at a park in North Bergen, New Jersey. You know those rocket ships that the kids play on? I lived in the basement apartment downstairs and the fucking, I used to piss down there. It was fucking disgusting. I piss and lie five feet away from it because I was too paranoid to go away from the rocket ship. When you were in there, though, I was fucking with you in your head like, I'm on top of the fucking world. I mean, I got, I got a couple of bad beats here,

but still I got a little blow and my pocket things are all right. I got a rocket ship. A fucking rocket ship. You working, my brother? Yeah, man. I just started consulting, producing on a show over on NBC called Chicago PD, which I'm super excited about. As you know, I'm from Chicago. So what a fucking dream come true, man, to be working on a show in the town I rolled around with as a kid, man. It's fucking unbelievable. Now, are they shooting at Chicago? Yeah, yeah. They're shooting a Chicago fire there, Chicago Pete. There's a ton of shit there, man. They shoot four or five fucking TV shows there. Yeah. And they're shooting commercials there again. Chicago's becoming a major.

This, you know, they said, fuck it. Well, it's funny because I was in Chicago at Zany's and the kid I was working with said he booked two guest stars and two national commercials in like a year because they shoot a bunch of shit there. Young kids. So yeah. And so do you have to fly in to go work? Well, how it works is it writes out here and all the post production stuff here, but the actual stages are out at Simispace there. And so whatever episode you write, you would fly out there and you would actually produce it. You cast it through the location, scouting and everything and then be on set while they're shooting it. So it's, it's fucking great. Good for you, man. So you're going to inhale a couple fucking Chicago hotbeefs.

I bumped into a guy yesterday at the fucking park, big guy. He had a little girl with him. He has his dog with him, a golden retriever when we're talking. And it just happened that he's from Chicago. When I looked at him, I go, you've been the point of park lately. And he just looked at me and he was like, yesterday, you know, they have the, what's the place they got done there? It's, um, she's a trellies, trellies. Oh, we had to just open a Johnny's beef down in point of park. No. No, but what's the other one?

Al's beef. And then you have, it's not flukies. Flukies are hot dogs. No, chilies, whatever the fuck it is. So which one's better out of all the beefs? Which one are you a fan of? Because I'm a Mr. Beef type of guy. Yeah, Mr. Beef's good. I actually like, I, um, I stayed in Burrwood for a little bit and on 12th, and I think old park Avenue or east is this thing called Bonabeef, which I, I think it's the best. They have the best jardin there, which you can't get out here, which is that chopped up. It's like cauliflower, olives, and carrots in a spicy olive oil. And you just slather the beef with that shit. And it's amazing. I get it dipped with, uh, hot and mozzarella or no, provolone, provolone on the bottom, double

dip. You don't fuck around, do you? No, no. When you, when you're going to get a beef, you've got to bring your head again. Yeah, no. You know what a combo sandwich is? Yeah, it's a sausage. An Italian sausage on the fucking Italian beef. That's a sandwich on a sandwich. That's what I usually get when I go. I always get a six inch sausage combo just to get the party started. And then the next three days, I got to walk away from the fucking place because I'll eat two of those a day. You know me, I'll eat three of those breakfast, lunch, and dinner, whatnot. When I go to these places to travel, I try to eat their cuisine for three days. I don't fucking, you know, there's a hamburger playlist and take that hamburger

and go fuck yourself with. I can eat a hamburger in California. It's a capital fucking hamburger. That's all these Gentiles want to fucking eat. But I'm talking about good fucking food, right? In Chicago, you fucking go back there. There ain't no salads. What's out? There ain't no diets in Chicago. You just fucking eat and hope that you stay under the points. You know what I'm saying? Just kind of find there's no fucking point system there. So wait, why? I had to move to Los Angeles. I had to move to LA to learn that you could eat, and I don't even know if you know this, you could eat vegetables wrong. Did you know that shit? What kind of vegetables? You could eat one. You could just put them in your mouth. You won't die. Nothing bad is gonna

fucking happen. And you know, I never knew that in Chicago. You got to deep fry that shit and slather it in ranch. Oh, don't say fucking ranch. That's disgusting. We don't do ranch at the church of what's happening now. That's Gentile fucking. Well, you just said local cuisine. You fucking, they put ranch on everything in Chicago. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. The Midwest loves that ranch shit. Then they walk around. Ranch. We say like this, it's the worst, the fucking horrible accent that I got. Ranch. Oh, God, it's fucking bad. I'm a blue cheese type guy, but that fucking ranch on everything will kill you. I know. I know you got a beef with ranch. I said, these motherfuckers want to put mustard on an Italian sandwich. I never heard of that.

I never heard of that. I went to a lot of places in Chicago, kick you out if you ask for ketchup. They won't even give it to you to put on the fries because they think you might sneak outside and put it on the hot dog. I love it. If I see a ketchup on a hot dog, I do snap. You know that, right? Yeah, I fucking snap. No fucking ketchup on a hot dog. No ketchup on a fucking hot dog. If you're a kid, you get a free pass. But once you hit 13, if you put, oh, listen to this. Listen to this. You want to talk about LA douchebags. This should happen yesterday. Now you and I've been out, how long you been in LA? 17 years. Okay. So I'm a little behind you. I think I'm at 13 or 14. Listen to this shit, man. Yesterday I met the pool with the whole family, right?

This, we're watching this kid. I'm not fucking making this up. I have seen the epitome of LA entitlement, man. I thought I'd seen it before when I went to the bank and there was no spots and a lady parked on the sidewalk in front of the fucking door. I thought she was robbing the place. She parked on the fucking, I thought that was it. Yesterday, hey, my God, I'm watching this kid. He's maybe five or six point as he's not in diapers. Stands up, right? By the ladder. Shit's in the pool. Shit's in the pool. We're all watching this going, holy shit, that kid's shit in the fucking pool. His mom's right next to him, sees he's shit in the pool, takes somebody's hand, gives him a drink from the table that they're sitting at, kid walks over

with the drink in his hand like a soda, pours the drink in the pool, then throws the cup in the pool, then goes and sits down with his mom who gives him a fucking snack and they start eating. The lifeguard goes, that kid's shit in the pool, shuts the pool down for the 100 people that are there for three hours. They gotta blast that shit with fucking chemicals. No one says shit. No one says shit to the mom. They don't kick the fucking mom out. They don't put the kid on some fucking tracks, getting a shooting device where we could all fucking shoot him when he's in the air to let him know that's not how society fucking works, then shoot his fucking mother. Nothing. Can you fucking believe that? I sit in amazement every day when it comes to Los Angeles and the area that we live,

the area that we live. It didn't even fucking happen to his mother. Listen, the area that we live right there, that's all fucking Whiteville. These are people that are supposed to be decent people and they act like fucking savages. They have no class. They don't use blinkers. They don't do a fucking thing but exist. They could care, but these are the same people that you go to their Facebook page and they're saving a cat and they're having parties and all their friends are hugging each other and you look at them and deep down inside, I go to Marie E.T., our coffee shop there, and I look at people who leave their cups at the table when they leave. I leave. I look at all that shit. I'll judge you by that. That's the type. So your mom is not fucking here. So you're

going to leave that dish and those fucking cups there, but nobody else is going to come here and eat and sit beside you. I say that in Marie E.T., when people double park with their cars and go in and they don't give a fuck about the guy in front of them, bro, they don't give a fuck. People don't give a fuck. And when I do those people, I take the air out of their tires. I scratch their fucking car. Because you know what? They don't give a fuck about human life or the people around them, but they give a fuck about that three series BMW. Put a scratch in the fucking door with a key or in their hood. That'll ruin their fucking year. I don't give a fuck about the karma. God looks at me and goes, you did good. You're a fucking crime fighter for douchebags.

Because that's all they care about, bro, is their image. But meanwhile, I'm watching them. I'm watching them leave their cups there. I'm watching them just do shitty things that really good people wouldn't fucking do. Because they blame guys like me and you for putting a gun to somebody who said, I'm a drug dealer or doing drugs. But to me, the real fucking, the real fucking barnacles on the assholes of this world are people like that. That, you know, but then they'll sit there and talk about the fucking despicks and the brothers and everybody else. And they're more entitled than anybody and they've done nothing. Wives, show me a wife to a producer in this town. I'll pick them out for you. Wives are producers and directors. I'll pick out those flaming cunts to

you. They walk around like they've never sucked a cock before. And meanwhile they blew eight producers before they got to that one. Or eight directors before they got to that one. I don't fucking believe it, man. I couldn't. No. I mean, it just, that was a, how do you, how do you have like watching your own, I mean, we have kids. It's like, I can't even, I would have had my son or daughter apologize to everybody at the fucking pool. Then we would have went to the management that I would have said, can I pay for whatever the chemicals were that you guys had to use to fucking do this? I'm so sorry. I can't have the accident. Not only were they not an accident, she watched the kid pour his fucking drink and I then throw the cup in. I'm like, this is fucking bonkers. I had a situation

a couple of weeks ago where I watched the child beat up their sibling, you know, and there's nothing like a parental denial. There's nothing in this world like parental denial. And I'll tell you, I know you were short on parents like I was. My mother was not, she wasn't, she wasn't living in denial. My mother knew what was going on. She just didn't want to talk about it with me. Like my mother went to a friend of mine one day and asked him if he had a joint and he came to me. He goes, you know, your mom asked me if you had a joint, if we had a joint. My mom knew I got high. She just didn't want to talk to me about it. Yeah. My mom knew the type of person I was. I could tell, listen, my mom loved the restaurants.

There's nothing my mom hated more was to make a scene in a restaurant. And when I was like 11, my mother poured glass and milk over my fucking head with ice cream in it. At the fucking fancy restaurant with white people everywhere. It was like that scene in Scarface. Everybody had to see those on. It was me and her at this restaurant and I wouldn't drink milk and she poured over my fucking head. My mother didn't play, bro. And you have to pass that on to your children. You know, you have to hold on a second. Did you, are you saying that your mom, knowing that you didn't like milk, did she hook you up and have them put a scoop by ice cream in it so that they help you drink the milk? My mom did everything I could for me. I was a sickly kid. So she would

constantly play with me. Oh, okay. You want strawberry fucking milk? Blimey. She bought me the strawberry milk. Then she buy me the Hershey's. Remember Hershey's in those days made the strawberry and the chocolate? Well, we went to arrest her. Right. We went to a restaurant that didn't have the Hershey's quick. I threw a fucking fit and I go, why don't you put the ice cream in? No, I said, give me a milkshake. The motherfucker put a scoop of ice cream in the milk. So the milk was just milk with ice cream and I tasted it and I told my mom, I'm not drinking it. My mom looked at me, took the fucking glass and poured it over my head. The milk went past down my little black suit and the ice cream was the last thing. It sat at the top of my head and finally with the heat

in my body it melted and fell on my suit. I will never ever forget that. I will never forget my mother beating me at a fucking park one day for not getting off the mule. You know that mule that you get on and they take a picture of you and I wouldn't get off the mule to beating that lady. I remember it hurt me with the fucking purse, like 80 fucking times, bro. So there's a sense of denial when you're a parent, but you're only creating a fucking monster. You know what that kid's like when he's 19? You know what that kid's going to be like? And then what's going to, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. They're going to give that little faggot a BMW. He's going to cut somebody off on victory somewhere. They're going to get out of the car.

He's going to get out of the car like the world owes him something. And they're going to beat the living fuck out of him. He's going to end up in a hospital room. And that's how he's going to learn his lesson. So by his mom, not grabbing him by the fucking hair yesterday and dragging him by the pool and making him suck the shit out of the pool. Because if that was my son, I would have made him go in there with his hand and take the shit out of the fucking pool in front of everybody. Oh, yeah. That kid's going to grow up, get in there and run his mouth on victory and around the corner is going to come a guy on a fucking donkey with a milkshake on his head, get off the donkey and punch that kid in the fucking face. And punch him in the face 50 times

and kick him. And while that kid's in the hospital room for six months, wiring his jaw, drinking from a straw, that's when he doesn't realize what life is about because the mother wouldn't do her job. Her parents wouldn't do her job. That's when I come in and I get attacked, Jimmy, and I shit on his face. Oh, I'll punch that fucking kid. Listen, man, yesterday was probably only this week. I think I got aggravated at the park twice because I see it. It doesn't start with the kid. We complain about the kids, but it's not the kids. It's the parents, man. Yeah, it's the fucking parents. I go to this one park. There's a black lady. She sits on the phone the whole time. That poor little girl craves attention. She's like, mommy, look at me. The woman looks on waves. Yesterday I got there.

The little black kid was there again. I looked at my wife. Look at that black girl by the bushes. Her mother wouldn't know if she was having sex right now. The girl yearns for attention. She comes over and plays with Mercy. She's nine years old. Mercy's 17 months. Mercy's like, go away, you creepy bitch, because Mercy don't fucking know she's a baby, you know? Yeah, but that's it. It starts with that. She just goes to the park tells her to run around with no shoes on and gets on the fucking cell phone. Sure, that girl's gonna fucking do porno. Sure, she's gonna fucking do porno. If you come up in those type of houses, you don't know when the other shoe's gonna drop. Like for me, it came off a little bit when I was a teenager. And then it's fucking down a little bit. I could

hold my shit together. And then the fucking wheels came off like around 25, 24, 25 to 28. It was rough, man. I just had that chip on my shoulder. I'm like, I'm gonna burn the fucking world down. It's payback time, motherfuckers. But what you didn't realize, and what I didn't realize that you realized someday, that's the biggest pain is that the world on all you dick. Nothing. See that kid? In the world, you know, when you're a young punk, you're like, I'm gonna kick the world in the dick. Well, I got news for you, kid. The world don't like it when you kick it in the dick. And he won't let you. He won't let you. He'll let you kick him in the fucking shin and laugh a little bit and get a little fucking confidence. But the world on fucking all you

dick, bro. And it's so it's such a cold realization when you find out. It's like this paper pen on smoke. God damn does the world reward hustle. It is the most forgiving place as long as you own your bullshit and stand up like a fucking man and put your work boots on, grab a fucking shovel, and go to it. Whatever it is, whatever the metaphorical shovel is, construction, creativity, fucking business, entrepreneurship, tech, whatever it is, out hustle every mother, find the hardest working motherfucker, you know, and work twice as hard and see how the universe responds. It's a beautiful and it won't, bro, it's like the Rolling Stones. You don't get what you want, but you get what you need. And after a couple of needs, you're fucking, oh my god, this just

happened. A couple of weeks ago, I was at the gas station over by cold water across from the Mexican place, cold water and Magnolia. I'm just pumping gas and I'm like, you know what? It's about fucking time. I haven't been on a set in a couple of months. I swear to god, Mick, I thought of this. I haven't been on a fucking set shooting anything in a couple of months. Time for me to book some. You know, two weeks later, I was on a set. No shit. Just a thought of putting it out into the universe. Yeah, sometimes just putting your thoughts out into the universe whether it's writing them down, whether it's saying it to yourself loudly. Today, I'm gonna fucking stab a motherfucker in the neck. Not literally, but I'm gonna go out and get what's

mine. I'm gonna go and get my lunchbox. That's it. I'm gonna go home and fuck. I didn't leave my fucking shine box. It's not at home. I got my motherfucking shine box today. I got my fucking shine box today, motherfucker. Somebody's gonna suck my dick. And sometimes you have to say that to yourself and you have to believe it. And the day goes by a lot smoother. Look at you. Look at you, bro. Twenty fucking years ago, you had doubts. You didn't know what the fuck was going on. Now you're a consultant to a show on NBC, not oxygen, not fucking, not fucking, you know, QVC. You ever get those motherfuckers that come up to you? I'm a consultant on a show. Yeah, an oxygen bitch at two in the morning. Nobody watches that. You might as well

consult the podcast. You do a lot of fucking better fucking moments. I gotta tell you, man, I'm going back to Chicago on July 12th. I'm doing a an hour show. And it's, it's, you want to talk about dreams coming true and not thinking, you know, I'm going back to a neighborhood that I used to roll in and used to party in and I'm doing two big shows in Chicago that I gotta fucking deal you in with, man, is the comedians you should know and the blackout diaries. The blackout diaries is like a moth for drinking stories. So it's just your, I'm doing one hour because I'm retiring now. It's been 12 years since I drank. So I'm doing an hour of my craziest drinking and using stories, July 12th at 8 p.m. at Timothy O'Tools.

But it's like going home, man, like I never thought I'd be able to go back and do a show like this. One night only. That's it. Chicago, you listening? Cop suckers? And then, uh, so I'm not going to see you today, right? No, not at one, man. I got a dentist and uh, some doctor. No, I got to get to 1130. So I wouldn't be back with my one anyway. Yeah. Oh, same thing. Yeah. I'm on the other side of the hill at 1130. Now you did Bob's coffee shop a couple of weeks ago. How was it? I got to tell you, man, it was, I was workshopping the show. I'm doing July 12th.

It was amazing, man. That place is fucking top night. That place is top night. I was, yeah, I was 40, 40 seat spot, man, you know, and I ran the hour and uh, that guy has musicians there and writers and it's a little creative hub man in North Hollywood. I really liked it. I was in there about two weeks ago talking to him and I told him I was going to stop by for the open mic on Friday, but it was too early. It was 6 30 sign up, 7 30 open mic, but I'm putting diapers on watching Wally Kazam at 7 30. So it's a tough time at the house at that time, but uh, I'm probably going to stop by for the 4th of July. I'll be in there this week one day. We should go in there today and get some coffee,

Lee. Okay. It's a good, it's the moon from fast times of Ridgemont High. The sales. It's amazing. It's amazing to see him and to talk to him. He came out and talked to my wife. They had a little pub next door to it. They got the Lemley theater across the street from it. It's very interesting. They got your favorite Chipotle. They got a picture of fucking Leah Chipotle and shit with a burrito and she's the employee of the month. He don't even work there. So where is this thing and how do people get tickets? This sounds very interesting, brother. It's uh, I got it right here on my phone. It's uh, it's Saturday, July 12th, 8 p.m. And it's at a bar called Timothy O. Tools in Chicago. So uh, you can go to micpetancourt.com.

I'll have the link up today. M-I-C-K-P-E-T-A-N-C-O-U-R-T. It's at Timothy O. Tools, which is at 622 North Fairbanks. Tickets are going to be 10 bucks in advance or 15 at the door and there's no drink minimum. I'm telling you, there's two young comics going on before me that are animals that are so fucking funny telling their two crazy stories. So they'll be doing like 10-15 minutes before me and I'll be doing about an hour or an hour 15 at just full blown fucking wheels off insanity. And then that's the last time I'm telling these stories. It's been 12 years, so it's I'm going home. I'm telling these stories for the last time and then I'm moving on. I ain't mad at you. I love you, cock-suck. I'll give you a call tonight and we'll figure something

out for tomorrow. I'll go call for you earlier or something. I'd love to see you, man. Thanks for having me on. I'd love to see you. Thank you for calling, brother. It was late notice but you know I love you. Yeah, bro. I love you too. I'll see you soon. All right, bye-bye. What's up, Lee? Nothing. Just during the phone calls now, apparently get high. Yeah, you get how you got high in that little goomy bed. You look good today. Let me give some shout outs real quick. We might have another call here. So stick tight. We ain't fucking going nowhere today. We're rocking and rolling. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't I want to surprise you. We got Joe slipping over in Austin. I love you. He's got some pictures for us. Jonathan Salvante, whatever your fucking name

is. Salvante, I don't know. Tim Trueheart, Sam Wiss, Stephen Cuell always tweeting in the mornings. Leon, I love you, German cock-sucker. He's a little fucking Puerto Rican guy caught up by Nazis. How you think he feels? Matt Ant and my man Chung always fucking dropping Chung fucking Kennedy, the king of the Chinese. This guy's uncle was a fucking triad. His great-grandfather was the fucking Ming dynasty. You don't understand. I'm going to tell you something else. I'm not doing no more fucking. When I met Lee, I told Lee I didn't like when people did Hitler jokes. It always bothered me, you know. It always, especially when a Jew does a Hitler joke. And I caught myself. I listened to one of the podcasts the other day and even the live one when I said that you were a

porno king in Auschwitz. Porno fucking king in Auschwitz, which we died about. I still Last week I talked about how his fucking weak Jews were so weak that even get invited to fucking Auschwitz. They were so weak. And I started, I got into a conversation with a fucking smart friend of mine, not one of my fucking dummy friends or myself. And we were talking about Mein Kampf when he wrote. We were trying to figure out where his hatred came from. And we were trying to know if he was thought there was superior race. You know, he broke it down from, but then he was, he gave me another book to read about a woman that says that Jesus, that Hitler was Jewish. There's a, there's a theory going around. I forget what the lady's name

was. I wrote it down a piece of paper and they ordered the book today. And she says that Hitler was Jewish. His real name was Woodham, Heism or something. And he really hated the Jews. He hated himself. You know, he hated himself so much for being Jewish. You know, it was pretty interesting chit chat because I really didn't know. And he was telling me the things that Hitler did to these bull fucking people. And I remember hearing these things, you know, the guy I called when we were young, him and another buddy of mine with snorkel. I went normal people snorkel. They talk about pussy or movies or something that happened. They're just stupid shit. Him and this guy would talk history. And he used to drive me up a fucking wall. Like after an hour, I don't want to hear

about this shit. You're starting to scare me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I didn't know what I had in front of me. You know, I had that tutor for the three weeks. And then she worked with me for three weeks and she went back to fucking Missouri. I never heard back from her. So life went on. I'm still a dummy about history. So it was really funny listening to him yesterday. I was thinking back about him and my buddy getting coked up talking about history for 10 hours. And me going, is this what you guys talk about? But they were so intelligent. They were, they would talk about it in their own way. Like it was like, that's when I really learned what it was to be like. I hate saying the word artist because you read history and then you

tell it how you understand it in your own words, you know? And he was telling me yesterday he would tell the Jewish people that we're going to go on a trip to go take a shower and he'd shoot them in there or something. He'd fucking steam them. I mean, this is just atrocities. Oh, it's terrible. But it's kind of interesting you bring it up because I was thinking this week and I felt bad for thinking it. But did you see like an 88 year old guy somewhere in America got arrested for being a Nazi soldier? Yeah, I saw that. And when I saw, when I saw that, I was like, fuck. It's the, he wasn't like one of the lead guys. Like I can't, like I had relatives die in the Holocaust, but I can't imagine like, if you're in that country and they say joining the military

and it just happens to be, you joined the military that's slaughtering Jews. And then they come and get you 68 years later. Like an 88, what's the point? Like, trust me, there's no one who feels worse about the Holocaust. But at 88, why are they? It was great aunts and uncles. Two great uncles passed away. They were telling me that, I mean, it was just, we spoke for like an hour. It was the other night he called and he could, he could go at night. You know, he's married and he's got kids. He doesn't do blow. We just got into a simple, and he was talking about that they blame it on their religion, but it's really not religion. It's, they just like, what's going on right now with the Muslims or something, something he compared it to. And he goes, there's

no difference, you know, they, they, and I hate talking about shit that I don't know about them. But we were just, I just wanted to apologize, bro, because I shouldn't say those things. It was, and I always thought it was a horrible time. I've always felt that, you know, and I've always felt that a lot of nationalities suffer, you know, there's bad stuff going on before right now, there's stuff going on in India, when they're fucking, and I hate getting involved in this shit in the, in the podcast, because I'm trying to make you people leave fucking going. This motherfucker gave me hope today. And now he's talking about the four and how they're just genocide and fucking whole. Why do you just, because I mean, it doesn't offend me at all. But

why, like, why do you care more about that than like, when you're like, I'm not racist, I just have, I just have racial tendencies. Like, like, to me, like, I don't have racial tendencies, I'm racially insensitive. That's what the app I was raised racially insensitive because to show me that we're all equal. Yeah, to me, you understand me? To me, I'm racially insensitive because at the end of the fucking day, we're all equal. Everybody thinks da, da, da, fuck that shit. You know, you know, when you talk about Mexicans, you're talking about Cubans, you're talking about China, it just, it's just a different, this is 50 years ago, we were talking about the Irish, how they're fucking drunks, now they come over and take our work. 10 years before that,

it was the fucking Italians, you know, people don't know that the Chinese people built the fucking railroads. To build the railroad, they would take a Chinese guy and strap dynamite and throw him over the cliff to do shit like that the Chinese guy wouldn't come back. Everybody has suffered. Yeah. You know, but, and I, you know, well, I just, I mean, whenever I heard it, I mean, I think most people now would, they didn't even occur to me that it was offensive. I mean, you know, it's 2014. Yeah. If you still get offended when you hear the word spic, you need to really have a talk with somebody. No, no. And the Hitler stuff, but the Hitler stuff I was saying to you was fucked up. Like Auschwitz, we should not be talking about Auschwitz. Oh, you're a Jew that

can't do math. That's completely fucking different than, you know, you follow what I'm saying to this thing. So I'm very sorry to you and anybody else that's Jewish in the community, except Jenny Friedman. Fuck that Jewish cocksucker with that habit of Jewish monkey. I'm going to show up at her house with holy water and fucking, and a Jerry Deli fucking Kupa. Oh, I saw that. Yes, a Kupa. And she was laughing. I love Jenny Friedman. She's not even Jewish. That's what, that's what's on her Twitter fucking page. I'm Jenny Friedman, MMA enthusiast, and in parentheses, I'm not Jewish because everybody fucking thought I meant some shit. So I give the shout outs already. Yes. All right. I didn't know what the fuck. Not, not,

not to our wonderful sponsors, though. Well, we got time. Okay. Not in the fucking time. Time waits for no one. But since you mentioned it, you know what? The idea was in the Rogan podcast and had a great fun. And after where we spoke about on it after I after we got off the podcast, we were talking about kettlebells during the podcast and before. And then we started talking about on it. And he really said some great points. You know, he told me to read this and to read that and to really get to know what I was talking about when it came down because it's not a supplement. It's optimization. It's to get the best out of you know, they're going to do a special release pretty soon on how for brain to show exactly what it does. They already had one report.

He was telling me you don't need a fucking report to get the effects out for brain. Okay, you don't need a three or four, five, six days of fucking alpha brain. You start feeling a fucking change. You start feeling a lot more alert and a lot more fucking. You start thinking clearer. It helps your creativity and it helps you stay on fucking focus. You know, don't believe me. I don't give a fuck. Do it. Try it yourself. It's a money back guarantee. First order. If they don't fucking work for you, we don't even want the product back. All right. Go to fucking joeydeers.net. Go to on it.com. I mean, alpha brain is just one of the many products they have that will make your fucking brain be like a fucking flying dick. You understand me? Think

of your brain like a flying dick. Just dropping bombs or sperm on people and blowing up fucking villages. You understand me? That's what happens when you take alpha brain with your fucking heads. Do I know what I'm talking about? I have no fucking clue. I know I've taken alpha brain. I know when I went to buy blow, there was always the idiot like Steve Buscemi. All right. Good morning, my brother. Well, the right mind doesn't fucking talk as I'm 13 in the morning. You fucking know, I got to get up early and chase the, you know, me dog. I'm a Cuban Jew. I got no time to fuck around Goldberg. How are you, my brother?

I'm good, brother. I am very proud of you, man. I'm getting I'm hearing great things about your podcast. I know you had Jericho on there last week or the week before. And my friend Steve Simone is an enthusiast who met you during the shooting of the longest show. And I just wanted to say hello, you fuck. That's it. You know, I love you and I miss you. I appreciate that, brother, man. I'm just every invention thing, man, you know, I guess I've done a couple things in my life that are entertaining enough to where people would want to have been shared with them. So, you know, what the hell, man? Did you tell them to start during the longest show when you ripped the door off the trailers in the morning? How funny was that when I was next to you laughing

the trailer door would come flying out of there? What was the door that wouldn't shut? There was something in your trailer that wouldn't shut. You know, it was just at that point, dude, you know me. I wasn't the most pleasant human being on the planet. And I think waiting in my trailer with people not telling me what the hell was going on was probably the worst thing that happened to me at that point. So I don't really know who left me in the trailer and caused that door to fly off my trailer. How are the children? Gates is doing good, man. We only got one little boy. He's suited up and we're going to go take him to a little summer camp this week, man. He's doing great. Playing little baseball, you know,

you're an age-old, eating me out of house at home. How old is he now? He's 80, man. Just turned 83 weeks ago. God bless you. He's 63, 225. Jesus Christ. I don't know if you know I had a little baby girl, 17-month-old at the age of 49. I took your advice and started taking care of myself. I started taking care of myself, brother. I got off the drugs. You were very vocal. When I was doing the longest yard, you wouldn't insult me, but you'd always tell me, I need to drop some weight, Joey. And I took your advice and I went from 418 to 270. Now I'm back up to 309. I'm back in the struggle, but it was your words, brother,

that always made sense because you always told me with kindness, you know? Well, I appreciate it, but at the end of the day, man, you only got one body. You gotta take care of it, man. And, you know, we all have our vices. There's no doubt about it. But at the end of the day, man, if you've got good people around you who really care about you and who give a shit about you and just don't want to laugh alongside you the whole fricking time, and, you know, that's what you need, man. So I'm just happy to have been there for you, brother, man. And anything I can always do to help you, man, it's, you know, it's my pleasure and my honor. It was a, that longest yard movie was a wonderful experience, not because of the movie itself,

but because of the wonderful people that I met doing it, you know? And I, I definitely consider you at the top of that list if you made an indelible impression upon all of the Goldbergs, man, with that, the time that we spent together. How's the wife? She's doing great. Kicking me in the ass every single day. And I'll send him my love. Well, when I, when I come down, I want to come down with Nick tutorial, because Nick was the one that told me Goldberg's got a podcast. We got to, we got to get on there and

tell stories. We're going on the 10th anniversary, you know, he's still excited. He just finished shooting a movie in Vegas and it was the same, you know, it was Dean, Semmler and all those guys. So he had a blast talking about the longest yard. So he would call me every couple of days. I got to work with the big black guy on Brooklyn nine, nine. I got to see him and we spent the day together and we giggled. I can't remember his name now. He's blowing up. Terry, Terry, Terry Cruz, Terry Cruz, you had him on the podcast. So I see the guys from time to time and, you know, it was a special time in my life. I didn't know what the hell was going on either. I had no idea. And I just did a movie with the director that I had. I had, I had

been a seagull on the podcast twice. He put me in grudge match with De Niro and Stallone. That was his movie. So yeah, the longest yard was something that was a little more than just a film, you know, it was a bunch of guys hanging out for 17 weeks, just fucking around. And I'll never forget it, man. No, it was the best man. I mean, absolutely wonderful experience. I mean, I'm not Mr. Hollywood wood by any stretch of imagination. I've been in seven or eight movies and purely by chance. But at the end of the day, to be involved with such a production on every level, dude, was an absolute honor, you know, not because of the fact that it was, you know, they had protein shakes brought to us by girls and scantily bikinis.

It wasn't because we were getting paid millions and millions of dollars. It was because at the end of the day, man, there were core group of guys there that really made it an experience for me. So it was something really to, really to look back on, man, on their friendships that I got on that movie, you know, with the, with Sadler and his guys and with you and with Nick. And I mean, it was, it was a wonderful experience. And you know, he threw a bomb sap out of the deal and it was all good. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what days do you do your podcast on? Wednesday, Thursday's when I take up and up of Beverly Hills, man. I'm there just about every Wednesday, Thursday. And what days, when do you release the podcast?

Every Friday. Okay. I just want people to know what the hell you're doing, brother. Well, you know, like I said, I'm hiding my cave, but I, I stick my head out like a turd, everyone's the one. You know, I love what you do on Twitter. I love that you're still communicating with the fans. I watch your feed and I giggle because they still fucking love you, Goldberg. They fucking love you, these people. I don't know. I don't know what I did, man, but I'm greatly appreciative every single day of anybody want to know what, you know, what I'm doing. And you know, as well as I do, man, the interaction that we had with our fans is, is number one. For me, it means a lot. Listen, man, I had no idea about interaction till I learned

from the wrestlers. You guys are the fucking bottom and the top of entertainment when it comes to your commitment and how you talk to people. I watched you on that set. I watched Kevin Nash on that set. I watched Steve Austin. The one thing was, yeah, you guys had your days, but when it came to people asking you for a hug, a headshot, a autograph, a picture, you guys worked over fucking time. Well, I mean, my mind's mind's a different story, man. You know, I grew up wanting to play professional football and I wanted to be the guy that everybody could go to and get the autograph and look up to and, and, you know, following their footsteps. And unfortunately, I wasn't able to do that. So I'm segwayed into the wrestling and that gave me the opportunity to kind of be a leader.

Hey, man, Daughtry and I talked about it on the show last week. If you're not, no matter how much fucking talent you got, it makes no difference to me. Talent grows on trees. At the end of the day, it's the person that's inside. And, you know, if you, if you don't have the time to spend with the people who put you in the position you're in, you ain't worth shit. So that's just my feeling on it. And you like, I'd like to treat people how I like to be treated. It's a simple, simple, simple idiot. Gov, I love you. I want to be on the podcast. So please message me when I can go down there with Nick, when you get a chance today or tomorrow. I don't care if it's next week or the week after. I know you have a long line of people you have to get on there. But I just

wanted to fucking for you to call up today. I was just in the mood to hear your voice. And I see what you're doing on Twitter and your commitment. I gotta tell you, after 10 years, I still love you more than ever. So I know I bust your balls. I love you too, man. It's an honor to you. You positively affected my life, man. There's no doubt about it. I learned a lot from you. And I will continue to do so as long as you continue to get off your ass and lose weight, man. You got it, bro. We love you, man. I greatly appreciate that. August 9th, no, July 9th, or the following week, you and Nick in studio. I'd love it, man, if possible. So hold on. Do you have any, the flying Jews here? Do you have any questions for

my uncle, Goldberg? Nothing? You're too high, aren't you? Look at you. He ain't an edible, Lisa. He's my co-host here and best buddy in the world. And I call him the flying Jew. He's the last of the real Mohicans. He's got the Israeli flag in front of him. And nothing, you don't want to ask him nothing about the synagogue. Nothing. I don't fucking know anything. All right. That's it. He didn't want to ask you none. I love you, Goldie. And I'll email you and we'll put this together. Love you, brother. Have a great day. Give the wise and gay the kiss. And I love you, buddy. Thank you for doing this. You got it, Parker. Be good. Yeah. That's crazy. I was a huge wrestling fan. So now you know why I apologized to the Jews today.

I didn't know what to ask him. I saw him in the Jackass movie and I saw him in your movie, but I didn't want to insult him by saying I'm he's a good dude. And I'm happy he called today, guys. I want to give you guys a treat. I know that Steve Simone's a big wrestling fan. Gabriel Glaze is a wrestling fan. And we had them all here. And you know, guys, I hang out with people that fucking they're just one. You're like, Joey, what the fuck you say? I don't I don't want to hang out with people that think that better than anybody who looked down on us. And that's what I say when I talk about the racially shit that we're all one who gets a fuck at that black or yellow or purple. We goof on them. It's a way for us to get a giggle about the Puerto Ricans.

But at the end, man, we're all one fucking family. And that's what I love about you guys. And that's all some podcasts we laugh our ass off. Some podcasts I cry some podcasts we giggle nothing happens. But at least we're here every fucking Monday and Wednesday. Right, cocksucker? Absolutely. You look good today. I'm proud of you. We see we got to get up. See, Lee, what I do to you, Goldberg did to me 10 years ago. And he would never embarrass me pulling me aside and go, Joe, you're not going to live. I'm telling you, I've seen it before. You're going to get sick. And you're going to be in the hospital. I got to come see you. And then I'm literally going to knock the fuck out of you. Just take care of yourself. We all have to be

better friends to ourselves, man. You know, because of you fucking people, I don't drink soda no more. Not because because of you. Because every day when I get my fuck when I go home to be a tweet, Joey, you're killing yourself with that diet soda for breakfast. I learned from you guys. So we learn from each other, motherfuckers. We look, we got each other's back. This is the only podcast that we got each other's backs. Okay, you got a fucking problem. You email me at joeydears.net And we'll work it out. If I can help you, I can help you. I can't call you and tell you my life story, but let's see if we can put our fucking heads together. Because me and Lee learned from you motherfuckers. Lee, right? Sometimes people say something on Twitter. It's kind of offensive,

but it makes a fucking, they care about us. I like when people say things that are, there's a way to say things. There's a way not to say things. Okay, cock suckers. That's it. That's what I want to tell you. We're talking about on it. It's optimal optimization. You're going to be the best you can be. Your bones hurt. Take strong bones. Stretch. I forgot how important stretching is and fucking water. I stretched yesterday and I feel great. I stopped going to yoga about six months ago and that's my problem. I'm walking around so all the time because my body got used to that stretching. Stretch, take care of yourself. Everything that you do helps out at the end. I'm 50. I wouldn't fucking lie to you, motherfuckers. The fuck with all that

shit. Go to honor, go to the box, press in church, C-H-U-R-C-H, whether it's a strong bone, whether it's a shroom tech sport, whatever the fuck you want to give it a time. There's a complete money back guarantee on the Alfa brain. We're not fucking around. Give it a shot, okay? I'm not here to bust your balls. I was never here to bust your balls. It's the same with Dollar Shave Club. All right, it's farthest days gone. What are you going to do now? Joey, I don't know. Well, this is what you're going to do. You're going to go to dollarshaveclub.com. You're going to look at the options they have. They've got post-shave stuff. They got pre-shave stuff. They've got a tremendous service that gets mailed to your house. Do you know what that means? That means you don't

leave your fucking house for God's nothing. You got no purpose. Your stone, boom. Your raises come to the fucking house a month in and month out on the date you want them. Let's say you don't want four fucking blades a month. Let's say you're not that thick and you only want two. They'll do that also for you. It's a dollar a month, six dollars a month, or nine dollars a month. That's a deal, even a nine dollars a month, which comes out to be 108 a fucking year. You know what 108 a year is? If you go for the fucking pharmacy, whatever you go to, it's 25 dollars for blades, 20 dollars, 18.95 for a pack of, fuck all that. Uncle Joey's going to take care of you today, dollarshaveclub.com. Go to joeydears.net. Go to the box and press in church. You don't have to wait

on lines. You don't have to fuck it. What do you need? You need a razor with a swivel on it, new chucks and water and a finger that stick up your ass. Or you need just two blades and some fucking shaving cream. And you can look like fucking Clark Gable before the operation. You understand what I'm trying to say to you? They have a one dollar package, which is four blades a month, just single, but at least you're shaving. And it's not a prison razor either. It's got a nice heavy handle and the blades are real. They're sharp. You're going to get cut nice. For six dollars, you get the double blades, very nice with a little fucking thing on it. You shave six dollars a month, six dollars a month. That's 72 dollars a year. For nine dollars, you get a double blade with the

allo strip to soothe as it fucking shaves. You're not going to get there nowhere else. I'm not reading off. I'm telling you people from my fucking heart. How do I know? Because I use this fucking motherfucker. I'm telling you I'm blown away. Nine dollars, six dollars and nine dollars. I ain't messing with your people no more. DollarShaveClub.com. What do they press? They press church and you get mailed to your house. To your house, bro. No more fucking around. All right. I'm not going to get back at you with this shit. Hulu Plus. Again, I can't tell you how important Hulu Plus is. You know why? Because I've been sitting there and I'm thinking about what Ray Canella told me. And I'm thinking I fuck this fucking cable service. Why do I need cable service?

When I got Hulu Plus to help me, I could watch fucking popular shows. I could watch The Daily Show. I could watch, I mean, I was telling you the day. Scandal. Scandal. Fuck scandal. Who watches fucking scandal? Some people do. Sesame Street scandal. What fucking girl comes to my house and watch scandal? A fucking stabber. You got family guy. You got new girl. You got all Jim Hansen. You got all these fucking shows. I mean, sometimes I sit here and I look at this list and my mind goes fucking bananas. You got the blacklist. You got law and order special victims unit. You got fucking Nashville. You got the Mindy project. You got community. I don't know why you watch that fucking show. You got fucking the haunted Hathaways. You got the dinosaur. You got

tough puppies. You got fucking documentaries. I mean Shark Tank, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Blacklist, Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L. The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. And you could watch it on any fucking device. You could watch it on your smart TV, your Roku, your Apple TV, your Xbox, your PlayStation, your wife's asshole. This motherfucker will come up everywhere. Cut the shit. You save fucking thousands a year. It's $7.99 a month. Not only that, that's if you're a regular mook off the street and you're watching it off TV. That's what you could give you on the TV. When you listen to the fucking church of what's happening now, you get what? You get two weeks for free.

Say it again. Two weeks. Not one week. He loves saying that. Two weeks for free. Half a month. Two weeks for free. Go to HuluPlus.com. Pressing. You're pressing Joey. Joey into the box. Get to start your membership today. Get two weeks for free. Gratice on the fucking arm. And after that is $7.99 a month to watch all the shows you're going to fucking

watch anyway. Forget all that other shit. You're paying too much. Cut the shit. Okay. And this is for my special motherfuckers. EscapeBotTank.com. Everybody wants to be a hippie. Everybody wants to be creative. Everybody wants to get thought to fucking death and life. Well, here you go. I'm offering you this. Well, not me. EscapeBotTank.com. The fucking leader in flotation tank devices across the fucking country they deliver. They got financing available. They got a 1-800 number. You call Jeremy. You answer all your fucking questions. Okay. They got your just a fucking tank model. You're $150 off just that. Just a tank. They got commercial models, residential models,

industrial models. They'll ship them to your house. They'll save you. Listen, I've heard from people already. Testimonials. They save 2,300 bucks on a fucking tub for their house. $2,300. $2,300. I'm always saving you money, guys. Okay. I'm trying to save you money from day one. That's the number one thing. Money in your pocket. Get us that two grand liquid. If I save you $2,300, you take $300, you buy an ounce of weed, and you take $2,000, you put in the bank at what percent a month? How much interest? Two percent. It ain't a lot of money, but at least it's better than fucking spending it. Okay. Call fucking EscapeBotTank.com. Go to their website. EscapeBotTank.com. Pick a fucking tank for your house.

Shop it. I don't give a fuck. They're a leader. A leader, and they're going to save you money. All right. You got a problem? Call my man Jeremy on the 800 number. There's no fucking problems here. Who had problems? I don't know. I thought you had a fucking Pockhawk sucker. No. I didn't know you felt so strongly about scandal, but that's a separate issue. I don't even know what scandal is. It's me. I don't know. So we had Goldberg calling today. We had Mick Clement playing to give you the same fucking message. Who gives a fuck? Get up there. Listen, this podcast is about one thing. It's about letting you know that nobody's fucking better than you. We all got on this fucking planet with the same

shit. You got cock, a pussy, some tits, a smile on your fucking heart. Go out there. Ain't nobody better than you. Fuck these motherfuckers. If I could get on TV, you could do anything. Okay. You fucking dummies. You heard it right here. If I could get into a movie, that means you motherfuckers that are three times smarter than me could do whatever the fuck you want with your lives. Don't believe that. I ain't better than you. I got a fucking guy tonel. I ain't better than you. You know what I'm saying? I got problems too. Get up, be a fucking American and cut this shit. Stop with your fucking excuses. There's community colleges. There's colleges for dummies. There's IT. Everything. You don't have to be a fucking

mutt the rest of your life. Pick up that paper. When you go to a coffee shop, take the cup with you and throw it in the fucking garbage. That makes you better than if you had a million dollars in the bank. You understand me? That's all I got to fucking say today. That's it. What time is it? I got shit to do on people to see. What is it? It's game time. Game time. That's right. Get up, wash your pussy, shine your shoes. You want to look good when you get out there. What are your plans for the rest of the day, Aristotle? Right now, sleep this off. Go to the gym later, hopefully. You're not sleeping this off. I'm dropping you off at 24. I'm going to follow your 24-hour fitness. I even told my wife, you got to get hired. You got to work out one time

in this condition. It's good for you. You got earphones? Yeah. That's it. I'll wait for you. We're going to go to the gym. Or we could go to the park and walk. What? Leave what? This is what you need to do. The morning time. This gets good. It's sunny. I know I like the morning time. Right for me, you go to the North Hollywood Park and you take a walk with the blind people. There's people there with sticks. You tell them good morning. You feel good about yourself. There is. There's always people in the morning with sticks. They fucking walk around there. What are they doing with sticks? They're blind. What the fuck do you think I'm talking about here, Charles? I don't know. I thought they were just walking around the purpose of the sticks.

You say I got to put up with people, fucking gigging, fucking Jewish, 7358. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I love you, cocksuckers. Stay black. We'll be back tonight at 8 p.m. with a special edition Don Marrera, since we're going to be at the Ice House Friday and Saturday. Then July 10th, I'm at fucking San Jose. Lee's coming. Then July 18th, I've been Vegas. Lee's coming. Then July 25th, 26th. I'm in Reno, Nevada at the fucking Pioneer Center. Don't fuck around. I only got three shows up there. Don't fuck around. We're going to have a good time in Reno. Lee's not coming to Reno. What else, cocksucker? You go into the park after this. No home and no sleep. No fucking Hawaiian ice for you today. Oh, that's so good. That's right. You guys should get shaved to ice. Joey

showed it to me. It was really good. That's right. Turn them on to shaved ice over by cold water. Because snow cones suck, because they're really hard, but shaved ice. Oh, that's delicious. You get to trade with a cocksucker. We found out under 100 calories. Under 100 calories. So I went yesterday. Under 100 fucking calories. So I'm here. Always. I'm here for you, motherfuckers. Also, I want to give a shout out to a beautiful fucking company. Hit. With the hit 1200, they sent me a fucking e-pen. I'm going to call them up later. Very nice. I've e-cigarette. I've just been smoking it all week. What are you going to do? Things are bad all over. Stay black. Have a great day. See you tonight. Eight o'clock Pacific. 11 o'clock East Coast time with Dahmer

River. And then tomorrow night, I'll be a co-hosting on Off the Rails with Josh Bull. So I'll see you tonight, cocksuckers. Eight o'clock. I love you. Stay black. This is the price. I have the shows over. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has been on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. We're going to go to HuluPlus.com plus Joey or go to joeideas.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeideas.net

and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Thank you to honet.com. Go there and use the code word church to get 10% off all your supplements. And thank you to escapepottank.com. Go there. Mention joeideas of the church or the high flying zoo and save 250 off of your sensory deprivation thing. I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you my love What a whole lot of love What a whole lot of love What a whole lot of love What a whole lot of love What a whole lot of love

You've been learning Baby, I've been learning All that good time Baby, baby, I've been learning Way, way down inside My honey, you need I I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you my love Oh Hold on to love, hold on to love, hold on to love Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I've been ruling, baby, I've been ruling All of your time, baby, I've been misusing I'm way, way down inside I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you everything to my love I'm gonna give you my love Yeah, all right, let's do it Way down inside One more, you need love Shake for me again I want to be your Blackstone man

Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I keep it cool and baby I keep it cool and baby I keep it cool and baby Oh! Oh! Oh!