Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #189 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT! It’s Monday, August 15th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Don’t forget to Pre-Order Joey’s New Book, TREMENDOUS: The Story of a Comedy Savage on AMAZON! https://amzn.to/3QeDeCx This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V. & DraftKings… Liquid IV Support the show and get 15% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. DRAFTKINGS Bet $5 get $200! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. N/A in NH/OR/ON. One per new customer. Min. $5 deposit and wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 8/20/22. SGP Opt-in req. Max. wager $10. Max winnings vary. Min 3-leg SGP. SGP must lose to receive up to $10 Free Bet award. Exp. prior to start of final UFC 278 fight. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LiquidIV #DraftKings The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code JOY and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 15th of August, 36 years since I got sentenced to the biggie, the pokey. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, it's been really hot lately and I've been staying hydrated.

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That's liquidiv.com Code Joey. Taste that concord grape. It's going to make your eyeball pop out. The joint is also brought to you by my favorite DraftKings. Listen, this Saturday UFC 278 has an action packed card. Throw down and grab your epic victory with DraftKings Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner at UFC. What I'm going to do this Saturday is this. If you have new customers, you can bet $5 and get 203 bets instantly, win or lose.

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What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 15th of the fucking month. It's the halfway point. I hope everybody's doing well. It was a great fucking weekend. It's been a great couple of weeks. We haven't had a chat, a chat, a time to chit chat about what's been going on, but everything's fucking great. I'm happy you enjoyed the Eric Rocha podcast when we covered gay pride in June.

I know it was a month too late, but fucking things happen. Lee was great. It was really, really great to see Lee. I'm happy you guys always get a kick out of him coming on the podcast. He's a fucking different dude, man. He's a different dude. And you know what? We all are.

I can sit here with Mike and go, I'm a different dude. You know what? We all are different. It's sitting next to him here. I mean, there's tons of love when he came down. We went to eat one night. We fucking, we just did silly shit. One night for dinner, we just went to Carvel.

We just went to Carvel. You know what I'm saying? No bridge. That's my favorite Carvel. They got a motherfucking drive through. We didn't go through the drive through because, you know, but we sat outside and we just watched the fucking people and we were like making bets on who's got diabetes and who's going to get diabetes.

It's funny when you stand in front of an ice cream joint or a candy joint or something like that. I'm not making fun of people with diabetes, but Jesus Christ. You know, listen, I get my blood checked four times a year and I look for two things. Cholesterol and my sugar. That's the more, I don't care about my testosterone. I knocked her up. Fuck it. It's done.

I don't even need testosterone. You can see my hair is thinning through the fucking. I don't even need that cut some more. I'm at an age where my head cuts itself. You know what I'm saying? You don't know how lucky you are. Like these motherfuckers tap out and shave their head. I can never shave my head because if you think I'm ugly now, fucking forget about it.

Scars. God knows what's in my head, but it's so funny. I'm getting so old. I don't even need that cuts no more. The fucking hairdo is thinning out. My wife says to me, do you want to do something about it? I go, what do I want to do about it? What do I want to do about it?

The hair was here when I needed it. It's time to move on. You know what I'm saying? It's time to move on from the hair. I got a kid. I already got a wife. I had two wives. I slung some dick.

You know, that's it. My hair served its fucking purpose. You know what I'm saying? You cover it a different way and it all works out. It tricks people. You know, people thought I had a lot of hair, but now I'm down to fucking nothing. And that's the way it is. I'm not sweating it.

I had a friend. He's still my friend. We haven't spoken in like six years, but I guarantee he's still fucking hit himself every day with a treatment. I remember when he was putting lemons on his bald head. I mean, this guy went through fucking hell with that. And I used to tell him, you're a beautiful fucking dude. Who gives a fuck about hair?

You need a hair to get pussy. He's still not married. So I guess he was right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, everybody got a fucking hair transplant. You know, everybody thought that's what it was, but it just, those things don't keep. You know what I'm saying?

That little squirrel's nest don't keep. But I don't want to talk about fucking people's hairdos and wigs and shit like that. I was watching a movie the other night with one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's, uh, they've been playing it a lot. Like, uh, on Showtime, I think the center max is called nothing in common. Fucking Jackie Leason and Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks plays his son and his mom is great. I forget who the actress plays his mom, but Hector Elizondo's in the movie.

And Hector plays his fucking boss and Hector has a wig. And every time he sees Tom Hanks, he goes, Hey man, how's it look? Can you tell? You don't know this shit. And he's really insecure about his wig. So there's one scene where he goes to check on Tom Hanks and fucking Tom Hanks. His mother's there with him and she's checking out the wig from the side. And Tom's trying to fucking get enough to check out the wig.

And all of a sudden he walks away, the mom goes, that's the worst fucking wig I've ever seen in my life. And mom, I don't say that to him. I don't even know how we got to this point about wigs. I just, I just always felt uncomfortable about a guy who had to wear a wig because he felt uncomfortable. That's the weirdest fucking thing. Last night I went to a Saturday night, I went to a little bash, a birthday party. And on the way out, I was talking to a guy about knee surgeries, whatever, when we were waiting for the car to come. And he had a tremendous wig.

He had the one that you just put over the whole thing. Like, like John, what's his name? Joe Patleano and fucking the Sopranos. When he pulled his hair out in the fucking hair, it was like the wig, it was like the hooker we mugged in fucking 82. We pulled the hair and the wig came off. But uh, fuck. But uh, yeah, it's been a great fucking week. I mean, Lee, he's back in Boston.

You know, he went to Philly for a couple of days, teamed up with Steve Stamone. They went over to Angelo's to shout out to Angelo's that fucking pizza is tremendous. The red pie is fucking tremendous. They said they had some sandwiches and a bunch of shit. So he got the love from Philadelphia and he's back in Boston. He was going to stop by yesterday. I was going to take him to the fucking pickled herring because he was going to stop by here on Sunday at about 11 and then pick up a bunch of pastrami and some other Jewish delicacies. And then he was going to shoot up to his mother, eat Jewish food with her and he's taken her.

He took her to the Boston Red Sox game last night in Fenway against the fucking Yankees. So listen, man, he's happy. I wish him all luck in the world and you heard it here first. I always fucking knew it. I knew he was going to get it together. The only fucked up thing he did here was he ate McDonald's one night Burger King. I almost stabbed him all that fucking weight and all that when you eat Burger King. Now you got to walk back to the moon and back.

So a little liquid IV. I don't know what my canteen is. My wife took it. Oh, there it is. But it's fucking dirty. Yeah, we'll wash it later. So it's 16 ounces of water. It's this simple, guys.

You just pop this motherfucker in here. And sometimes I put a little fucking cell food in this motherfucker, a little oxygen. Oh, Lordy, you eat some garlic pills and a little oxygen. What comes out of your ass is tremendous. You understand me? Do it later. Sorry about the squeeze and I know I'll get some shit. But anyway, let's talk about some stand up comedy and something that happened Thursday night.

I don't know if a lot of you guys don't know what happened Thursday night. It was one of my best shows ever, not me personally, like my material suck dick. But I'll tell you what was great about this show. This was the last I've done six shows. And Uncle Vinny's like just to and then I go to the other places. I drop in here and drop in there. I like Uncle Vinny's is small. I feel comfortable there.

Lee and I both said it reminds you of stage two and Pasadena fucking nice room. I mean, I don't even know when the ice house is opening up again, but I've seen pictures and it looks fucking beautiful. But this Uncle Vinny's has just been a listen, guys, it seats 150 160. It's no glamour. You know, the food is fucking great. You know, I didn't know how to feel about it at first, but now I feel great about it. BYOB. That's the best fucking thing I've ever, you know, you bring what you fucking drank people there with coolers.

It's just tremendous. I really enjoy the place. Dino is fucking aces. I'll perform there till I fucking die. I love the goddamn place. But let me tell you what happened Wednesday night. I didn't tell you guys. I told the Patreon people.

So Wednesday day. Lee was here. Ari came. Ari was here for the day. We went over to the fucking Chinese place and he got his general towels chicken. Ari came. Jimmy came over all hanging out talking shit. When they left, when they left around two o'clock, Ari hung out and I got a call from a buddy man in Vegas, Mario Arias.

He goes, Hey man, I'm just giving you a heads up. Mr. Lovito is showing up to your show tonight. Mr. Lovito was our sixth grade teacher at McKinley School in North Bergen. Cool motherfucker. So I'm like, really? Mr. Lovito's coming. I spoke to Mr. Lovito when I first moved back here. Mario gave me his number and we had a great conversation and he lives close by.

He lives a couple minutes from Point Pleasant. I'm not close to LBI. I'm sorry. So I haven't seen Mr. Lovito since 1982. So I'm up on stage. I had, you know, I put a couple things together. I put a bit together. Believe it or not.

I finally put like a little, little bit. There's a little run. There's like two little runs. One run is more for like a family type show. I can't be doing that material about sandwiches because they'll go joy. We don't want to hear about your daughter. And then the other one is what I'm about. What's going on in my life right now, you know, and, uh, I was about to go into it,

but I knew Mr. Lovito was in the audience. So I'm like, you know what? I was about 10 minutes and I got to address this dude. I go, listen, before I go any further, I had a, I heard a rumor that my sixth grade teacher was coming tonight. Mr. Lovito. And I looked and he raised his hand and the place fucking clapped from the place went nuts.

And then what I wanted to do is use them as a soundboard. You know, for years, people like Joey, these stories couldn't have happened. Some of my best stories happened to fucking McKinley. So many things happened. I remember a lot of them. Like they had to remind me about a lot of this shit after the show. We went to the green room. We were talking shit.

But, uh, you know, I thanked them because the story with Lovito, why he's so important in this whole thing. And he's in the book is because in the sixth grade, when I first got to, I was, I lived in North Bergen since 73, but I went to that Catholic school. I got thrown out. And then I went to McKinley. And when I, my first day at McKinley, my mother had a friend that was, uh, his name was, I don't know what the fuck was his name.

Pepe Goho. That means, uh, he's got like a bum leg. Like he had like a little platform foot. Pepe Goho was a drug dealer that was also doubling as a roofing company guy. And one day the roof fell on him in Miami. So he got a bunch of fucking dough from the settlement. So he didn't want to sell Coke no more or be a roofer. So he started a fucking clothing line, right?

Like in 1975 or some shit. And it was called Conti Vellace. C-O-N-T with a slash Vellace, like the Vellace papers with Charles Bronson. So right away, my dick got hard. And my mother said, listen, he sent you some shirts, put these shirts on. They're really nice shirts. Worm to school. I put one of the shirts on when I really looking at it.

And it was a fucking Greek orgy scene. Like my first day in sixth grade, I walked into school and I didn't know it to the kids. Like, what is that? Is that a pussy? I had like women with hairy pussies, eating like grapes and shit. And I remember at the end of the day, Miss Lovito's like, I like this shirt. I go, you know, I'm sorry. I fucking wore it.

I didn't know what was on here. And he's like, okay, just don't wear it again. Cause obviously you got the kids riled up. But that was my relationship with Miss Lovito on the first day. But he soon noticed he goes, this motherfucker's too hyper. So he cut me a deal. He goes, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. And you've all heard this deal before.

Cause teachers have been doing it for years. They go, listen, if you behave all week, I'll let you go up on stage. I'll let you go up in the front of the class on Mondays on Fridays at one o'clock. Cause we had a choice then we're going to be a part of the ecology club where you went to a park and picked up papers. Papa don't pick up no papers, even then in the sixth grade. Right. And, uh, or you could sit in class or go to catechism. I think I got thrown out of catechism like two months in because one of the kids asked the fucking priest, how do they know the Bible shit was for real?

Anybody could have wrote that. It's a Mickey Mouse book. Oh my God. Get the fuck out the whole thing. So my office is not where the ecology club ought to sit with these fucking jamokes in this class. But I figured the jamokes that sat on with a lot of girls, it was more girls than guys. So one day LaVito goes, go ahead, do what you need to do up there. You did well.

So I brought a record player to school. Well, they had a record player and I put on Frankie Valley and I would go up there every Friday and sing my eyes adored you. In the sixth grade, I thought I was a fucking crooner, right? Like I thought I was like Sinatra, but I was too ugly. So the girls wouldn't listen to me sing. I would walk over to them like with the fucking make-believe I had a microphone in my eyes adored you. And they go, go away. Just go away.

It was so embarrassing. So I figured my singing wasn't any good. So I started cracking jokes. And since the only fucking comic I really liked was the sixth grade was Richard Pryor. I would basically go up there every Friday and do fucking the one hour on my shoulder. Is this something I said by Centennial or whatever? I would bring all those. I would go down there and fucking do the thing verbatim.

And he would just shake his head like he can't fucking do this shit, you know? But that's the story. Those are probably the inner roots that stand up for me. So I always thanked them. I always thanked them in little things. Whenever I talked to people, they said they speak to Levito. I would always go thank Mr. Levito for putting me on stage, you know? So everything was going great.

We're just up there telling stories about how we were going to kill the gym teacher, you know? How fucking... And Mr. Levito was loving this shit. He's like... After he's like, Coco, you have a memory. He goes, I didn't remember half this shit. You know, telling stories about how we used to rob shop right as a kid and then go back and throw hubba-bub at each other. Who throws hubba-bub at each other?

Nobody. But the highlight of the night. We were just getting into Carmen Balzano and how he beat up Mr. Totora. I mean, this shit was all happening right in front of us in grammar school. We spoke about my friend Anthony Balzano when he died. How fucking sad it was. How his parents went on the news, Channel 4 news before fucking sat night live. It was just a great time.

But the highlight of the night, I go, Mr. Levito, tell these motherfuckers what happened when they put a hit of acid and Mr. aggressive coffee. He used to have a thermos like that fucking liquid IV thing and he would put it on his desk and all day drink coffee from it while he was talking to the students. One of the kids took his, when he stepped out to get like, I don't know, supplies. They took his coffee, it was hot and they put a hit of blot of acid in it. And after lunch, this motherfucking teacher didn't come back. In fact, they didn't come back like two days. He couldn't have figured out what happened to him. He told me the story afterwards.

So I go, do you remember when they put a hit of acid and Mr. aggressive coffee? And he goes, yeah, he's right there. He was at the show. So he's like, I do remember that. And I go, hey, Mr. Gresta, how you doing? I had already stuck my foot in my mouth. I'm like, hey, Mr. Gresta, how, how are you doing? He goes, good cocoa.

I go, listen for the record. It wasn't me, but I'm not a crime stop. And the mystery was Edelmanca. Edelmanca was a crazy Cuban kid that moved to Florida. Fast as shit. This guy was a born thief. He could run and he could jump fences. Tremendous.

So after what he came back and he goes, I can't believe they put a hit of acid in my thing. He goes, I heard about it years later that it was acid. He goes, I could have killed me. But he also reminded me about something else. He goes, the last time I saw you, you came up to me and asked me if I could fix you up with my knees. Patty Emerson. I'm like, holy shit. Patty Emerson was a girl that was a sweetheart.

Just a dear friend of mine. And she was so sweet. I liked her so much. I'm like, you know what? I can't hit on this girl. She's just going to be my friend. And then we started calling the Patty Nat because at parties, people would see it and go, you know what? I want to take it from a date.

And then I'm like, she's too sweet for you, man. But every guy would always go, oh my God, look how hot she is. Maybe I'll go talk to Patty and then they go, nah. So her name ended up being Patty Nat. We would just call her Patty Nat because nobody was allowed to talk to her or to touch her. And I told this on the church. It got so bad with Patty Nat. But I remember when she went to her first year of college, she came to Joan Mary's.

She's like, listen, guys, you got to stop fucking protecting me. I can't get no guys to hit on me because they know that if somebody hits on me, you guys. Because one of my friends pissed on a guy that was making out with us. So it was just fucking, she, I go, that's your fucking niece. And he's like, yeah, she's doing great. She lives in Long Island. I go send them my love. I haven't seen her in fucking years.

But guys, it was just great to see one of your school. It inspired me so much over the weekend. I call like two other ones of my teachers. I'm like, listen, I'm doing a show in the city. And I'd like for you guys to come. I'll send a car for you on the Uber, whatever. I have one of my friends come pick you up. You know, I got Mr. Barone.

Mr. Teranova's mad at me because last week he was down the show and he wanted for me to go see him. But we already had plans. He dropped it on me the day before. So I couldn't show. Oh, it's the day Lee was coming. So I was waiting on Lee to come. He was like, I'm having a party at 12. I'm like, dog, I don't know what time I get over there because my friend's coming.

I don't want to rush over to your house. And then he hit me in half fucking stride and I got to come back. So I ended up not going. I called him like Wednesday. They didn't pick up the phone. That means he's mad at me for a few days. It fucking happens. But the fact that I tell you guys, I was a tyrant.

I was a fucking nightmare and all this shit. And I still communicate with my fucking teachers is it just it makes me proud. It makes me proud. It really does, man. I felt so great after that show the other night. You know, and that's why I love to do a show like that. Just get one of my teachers. Like before the book, I was thinking about this, getting like a teacher or an ex-coach

or friends of mine that wouldn't mind being on camera or not camera. Wouldn't mind me bouncing off him. Like, tell these motherfuckers about the time we mugged a dude in Jersey City. I don't know. I'm not saying I mugged a dude in Jersey City. I'm just saying, you know, it would be great to just confirm these stories. Do you know what I'm saying? Like just fucking have a good time because they were all 30, 40 years ago.

Nobody gives a fuck. You know, nobody cares. I can't believe I told the story on Rogan about this girl, Lori Jack. When we were growing up. When we were growing up, right? I just told the story on Rogan. Maybe what? Five years ago, six years ago.

The other day, one of my fucking high school buddies who I talked to a lot said to me, he called, we were talking about something. He goes, Hey man, you told me you did it, but I didn't believe you. And he goes, but I saw it the other day. He goes, do you know that the Lori Jack story has like 15 million downloads combined? Cause I think Joe Rogan has it. Somebody else had and then people copied it. Yeah, I didn't.

I don't check on those things. I don't know what's out there. He's like, it's got like 15 million. He goes, have you ever heard from her that she ever said anything to you? And I go, I see her on Facebook all the time. She might not see you. Huh? No, no, no.

We're friends on Facebook. She, she hit me up one day. You want to be friends? I mean, I was a long time ago and, you know, uh, I mean, she's never said nothing to me. 15 million. He told me. No, she's around. You know, I see a post on there.

Who the fuck knows, man? I, I'm just trying to fucking have a good time here. You know, I'm just trying to, that's it. This is what I've been doing lately, man. I'm just, it's a different fucking world. And Lee helped me confirm that the other day. Lee really helped me confirm a lot of shit about me this week on things I want to do, things I used to do, things I didn't want to do. You know, it's, uh, one thing I'm really happy about guys.

It did get really out of control. It really did. It really fucking did. And, and, you know, you cannot eat 2000 milligrams of ABX daily. There's going to be a fucking, you know, we pay for everything. I've, I've said this for years. No matter what you do in this life, you pay for it. It might not be today and it might not be tomorrow, but somewhere along the line, it's going to pop up to fucking bite you in the ass.

And not in a bad way. Just say it might affect your health, something you did years earlier, you know, and it's, uh, I'm happy. I'm happy to be, I can't say I'm sober because I'm really not. I smoked before the show this morning. I smoked before I went to the gym, you know, but it's not even, I'm embarrassed to say this sometimes. It's not even a thing. One thing I am doing is getting super high on weed. Like I have to be honest with everybody.

Like I am getting so high on weed now. It's scary. Like it's back to the point where I smoke. If I smoke a joint, I'm going to sleep after I eat a half a box of special K, some blueberries, some cantaloupes. This is what I do every fucking night. I mean, you know, I get so high in the daytime that I'm okay and I'm happy. I hate to fucking say this, but I'm kind of happy to be this sober right now. Guys, I gotta tell you, man, the last two years, you know, to see everything moving and for you to step to the back has been, it's been a fucking great experience because I didn't know.

I had no fucking idea what was going on was going on. I really did. It was just, you know, people like, I can't believe you don't want to do this anymore. Do you understand where I just stepped out of? It was just total anxiety. Like I tell you guys, a podcast was six hours. We didn't do it now. We did an hour and a half, but we were there six fucking hours.

So Mike would be getting here like Monday at 12. He wouldn't leave till six. What do you tell your wife? Yeah, like everybody wanted to leave for six fucking hours when you're married, but I'm home. I'm home. I got nowhere to, you know what I'm saying? So it just took so fucking much. But right now, what I'm looking at lately, I've just been looking at this.

And I tell my wife once a fucking month, I tell my wife, I tell Mike, I tell Lee, I tell my friends. I go, never mind the house. Never mind the book. Never mind losing weight. Never mind having a child. Never mind any of this shit. One of the things I wake up every morning and I fucking dog. I do gratitude shit every fucking morning.

You know, I told my wife, I used to get up in the morning, get a cup of coffee from the kitchen and go right in front of the computer. That is horrible for you. I'm telling you this right now, guys. It's fucking horrible for you. When you wake up in the morning, you know, throughout the night, you wanted to REM sleep or whatever, and you've processed it. It's not just your muscles and your heart. Everything gets a fucking charge up. You wake up at three in the morning to pee and you tap into a dream.

What's your mind going while you're sleeping? Like sometimes I wake up to pee and I'm thinking about the weirdest stuff because it was probably what I was dreaming about before. But your mental is dreaming. Like your mental is resting. Everything is resting. So when you wake up, you're brand fucking new again. You're brand new again. Like whatever problems you had that were really affecting you, you've broken down.

Now you slept. That's why people always say, let me sleep on it. Let me fucking sleep on it, okay? So when you wake up in the fucking morning, if you wake up refreshed and there's nothing like me, I never woke up refreshed. I'm not gonna lie to you people. I woke up and as I was pissing, I'm still fucking high from last night. You know, my heart's beating. I'm thinking about the gig.

I don't want to fucking do tonight. And then never mind that, I got to do something else. And then tomorrow I got to get on a plane at four thirty in the morning. Guys, this is what you wake up with. Now you sit in front of the fucking computer and you open up Twitter or Facebook and it's like, you know, it's just a fucking grind. You know, like it's just, or you open up Yahoo or fucking whatever CNN and it just takes you for a fucking ride. And I didn't know how bad it was affecting me. I would get on the phone.

I would get up at seven and by seven thirty people talking to me about business in New York and I'm like, that's not good. I guess I did it for years. It works when you're fucking, you know, but somewhere around there, I'd like to get up now. Like if I get up at seven thirty, I grab a cup of coffee and I go right outside. I don't care if it's raining. I don't care if it's thirty below. I dress accordingly and I go on my balcony under that fucking umbrella and I just sit there and I do my gratitude checks. I say them a little, you know, I speak them out so the universe can hear me.

I'm grateful for my house. I'm grateful for having friends like Mike. I'm grateful to wake up this morning. I'm grateful that my dick still works. I'm grateful that my hair is cutting itself. I don't have to spend 50 bucks every two fucking months. You know, you just do this gratitude thing, you know, and the gratitude, the biggest gratitude I have is I don't get high anymore. That cocaine shit and the fucking Xanax shit that I was using for anxiety that without knowing it affects you no matter what you take.

I know for a fact when I had the knee surgery, those pain pills were fucking me up on a different level. I know for a fucking fact that I did not feel good, but what I've noticed lately is I could tell now for the first time in my fucking whole life because I don't look at that thing. I don't look at that. But for the first time, I could tell when somebody is doing drugs. Yeah, somebody else. Yeah, like I could tell now through their language. I had an idea. I can't lie to you.

No, even if I don't see them just from what they're writing, their topic. What's on it's so stupid and I'm not judging nobody. I'm not judging nobody. I did drugs for 50 fucking years. Who am I going to judge? Yeah, who am I going to fucking judge? But what I'm trying to say to you is I could see how it fucking affects you now. And I have three people in my life right now that I talked to from time to time.

And it's so weird that I finally put together why they're so weird to me on the phone because they get high. And I don't understand that gibberish anymore. It's like comedy gibberish from LA. When somebody from LA calls me, oh my God, we miss you so much. It's like, listen, I got to go. My daughter's on the field. She's about to bat. You want to call me with gibberish that you miss me?

Whatever the fuck they're telling you. But I can hear the drugs now. Guys, I never believed that. If you listen to every podcast I talked about, I said that all my failures over those years was on me. I never blamed nothing on drugs. I got to tell you something, for the fucking first time in my life, I'm blaming shit on drugs that I did. I can't believe this. I saw a fucking video.

Some fucking jerk all put it up from LA. And there was a time in that video that was when I was getting high. And I saw that video and I listened to what I was saying and it was fucking disturbing. It was very disturbing on what I was talking about in those days when I was doing coke. Now every time I think about a conversation, I fucking cringe. You ever think about a conversation you had like on the sixth grade with a girl when you went to hit on her? And she's like, no, but I'm plattered or whatever the fuck they would say to you as a nice way of saying, you know, you're a fucking loser. You know, I still dread a conversation I had with this girl named Dave Beas Rodriguez in the sixth grade.

It was the most awkward conversation. And I went up to her and I asked her for a date and she's like, oh my God, I'm in such shock, but I got to be honest with you. I don't see you that way, but I'm flat. I'll never forget the word flattered because I had to go home and look it up. She's like, I'm flattered that you thought of me for this dance, but I already have somebody in mind. You know, I still remember those conversations. And I sit here and tell you guys that I still remember my bombing and fucking New Orleans. Yeah, you remember all those things I do.

I definitely fucking do when I think about the shit I was talking about till four in the morning with people when you're doing coke. Oh God, that's the worst jibberish in the fucking world. Anybody who's done coke and has been with three people doing coke at four in the morning. I love you. Oh my God, I think the same. It's like when I watch boogie nights. I fucking love boogie nights. But when she's talking to Marky Warburg and the other chick and they're saying, I love you.

I love you. You're my mom. I'm not going to say I didn't use that terminology. I was the king of that lingo. I snorted a lot of coke. That's why after a while I couldn't snore coke with nobody. I'm like, I don't want to snore with nobody because they got to hear my lingo and I got to hear what's coming out of that fucking spout. Not today.

The last four years, five years I did coke. I was solo, Jack. That's more reasons to listen. I went to the fucking breathing doctor Friday. Okay. And they did an evaluation and then they send you the report. And then she called me and she goes, I'll tell you why you've been getting dizzy in your car. I'll tell you, bro, she broke it down for me last week.

This bitch, I forgot to bring this up to you guys. She's like, I don't love you. They did everything guys. They test my lungs. I was there for three fucking hours last week. They tested lungs, capacity, holding your breath underwater. I mean, guys, they did everything. Then they drive me up and they gave me a neural exam.

And the lady is like, listen, your ears, it's the years of a 60 year old. You know, whether you ruined them in concerts or whatever the fuck you're blaming it on. That's great. But she goes, I'm going to talk to you about something. She goes, your ear, everything that is wrong with you. It's because of your left fucking eye. She goes, I don't know what happened to your left eye. I mean, you ever see my left eye goes that way.

I was doing too much coke on the left side. Like you do one too many bumps on the left side. Because I swear to God, my right nose used to be the money nose, right? When you first started doing coke, it's the right side. You do. Oh, that's not bad. I like that drip. When you do the fucking, but then the nose on this side, you know, I started in this nose in like 79.

But at time 87 came, you know, I was breaking down to this left side. And dog, I know the nights when I would do a line and I would feel my eyes just go and go that way. And then I'd have to fucking hit it and then focus back in on the mirror. And I go, I'm not telling nobody about this. I'm telling you people not because it was 20 years ago, right? I care about my eyes 20 years ago, but I would fucking snore coke towards. I would do so much fucking coke that I could feel my eye like fucking trembling, whatever the fuck it was. Now, when I was a kid, I knew my eyes weren't goofy because I had 20, 20 fucking vision.

So she said, what happened? Did you have a traumatic experience? What happened? I got hit in the head with a kilo of coke. That's all I could fucking think of. You know, I got hit in the head with a kilo of coke and now my fucking left eye goes this way. So, oh my God. So now they're going to send, they sent me fucking guys, three emails of exercises I got to do.

I just finished the first batch this morning. I jumped in jacks and sit-ups. I got to breathe into a bag for 90 minutes, 90 seconds a day, five times a day. I got to get a fucking stick and do all this shit. And then they're going to do all this stuff. Now I got to go back the next Friday. And if I don't do the exercise, if she doesn't see that it's improved a little bit, you can't do nothing with me. She's got to send me fucking really, really, really detailed professional help.

The good thing was I don't have any concussions, nothing like that. There's nothing going on, no beginnings of dementia. The bad thing is I got to fix this left eye because that's what happens when I drive. It's fucking hilarious that when you drive, you focus and then she was telling me, she goes, your two eyes start that way. But it's like Subaru headlights. Anybody have Subaru or Subaru? The headlights go where they adjust. So let's say you're going down a fucking cave and there's something over here.

The headlight will switch on Subaru. I don't know if you, I forget what it's called. I'm very sorry. Subaru.com and get the fucking details. I don't know. But you're sitting there and you look up this way and the lights will change. So I think that's what, that's what she said happens to my eye. That after a while of focusing, if I hit too many turns or something like that, she goes, you're not getting carsick.

Your eyes are making your brain and your ears all fucked up. So sorry, guys. I just, oh, I need, I need three fucking different pair of glasses. I can't get the, she already contacted the fucking people at not Costco somewhere else. One more. I don't know. She goes, that's the best place to get glasses. They hit me with regular glasses, reading glasses, driving glasses and nighttime glasses because it was left fucking eye.

And they're thinking of giving me one of those darker shades. You know, like when you, you ever see those dudes that come up with the clear on the right and they got a little clear, a little darker on the left. Guys, all you could do is fucking laugh about this shit. This is what happens when you get old. But this is what I'm talking about, guys. I always knew there was going to be a problem with cocaine. There's no way you're going to get hit in the head with two kilos of coke and fucking bounce around your life without no. You know, I look at Ozzy Osbourne.

He's a prime example. I look at Ozzy. These guys with deep cocaine head. So I look at Ozzy and I see what false he's had and he's had millions of fucking dollars so he could get everything. He's got wrong with him fixed, you know, but I was always concerned about this shit. And here we go. The fucking eye. The eye was the first victim of the coke blizzard of Oz of 19 fucking 80 with Uncle Joey.

And it happens guys, but it's just so weird how thinking back to this, like I don't. I'm so happy that yeah, I'm sure I get a little fucking backlash from the drugs from here to there. I have bad days. Lately, I've been finding myself saying shit that I don't want to say, like you would like say something. You're like, what did that come from? So I'm getting like that Pete Rose type thing. Like Pete Rose, you know, fucking says some crazy shit. Yeah, but at least I know I know and I could take care of it.

And at least I could fucking get some help for it or whatever the fuck it is. I mean, I'm not saying crazy shit, but I do. I'm a little louder than I was before. I say some crazier shit and Marlboro, which these are nice white people. They don't deserve me fucking saying craziness around them. I'm in Alabama. All these people are very fucking nice down here. But I'll tell you, man, the people that I have in my life that are on drugs.

It's been very interesting because I couldn't figure out what's going on like with our friendship. Like I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And all of a sudden to be honest, I got this fucking disturbing text here. They just disturbing from a dear friend of mine. You know, they try to tell you they're not getting high, but they're getting fucking high. And it's really delusional. We haven't spoken in a while. So he reached out just to tell me that, you know, he is doing better or whatever.

But in the whole thing, I know he had to throw something at me and I've known this dude for a long time. He threw something at me like from high school. Oh my God, damn it. Like you did something to me. And this is the second time he's mentioned in a year. You know, I sent him some money on PayPal and it's just, I feel bad. I just hope that I could still, I know he's getting high and I know you're going to enjoy why just send him money. Listen, he's my age.

He's struggling. I'm not enabling him. I'm just, I don't know, you know, it's just, but guys, I'm just really happy. I don't do coke. And it's so weird right now. If you're getting high and anything, listen, I'm not here to fucking tell you not to get high because nobody was going to tell me when I was 40. Not to get high. Nobody was going to tell me when I was 30.

Not to get high. And I'll tell you what, if you told me when I was 20, not to get high, I'd probably fucking hit you with the car or something like that. I'm not going to lie to you, you know, but guys, think about it for your uncle Joey, man. Those drugs are fucked up and it took me all of this time to say it, whether it's cocaine, the fucking pills, the fucking, you know, the pain pills, all that shit. It affects you. It fucking affects you, man. There's no way I did everything the last 15 years that I couldn't do for 44 fucking years. You know, it's August, September, with three months away from me in 15 years not doing coke.

And I could write. It'll take me three pages to write the good things I did since in the last 15 years in the first four, all those years are being coked up. I don't remember 15 things I did that were good. I remember 10 things I did that was good. The only thing I remember is maybe getting on stage when I came out of that cocaine. I told you guys that I couldn't get on stage for a fucking year, you know, a year and a half. Well, that's probably what it was. You know, it just puts a damper on your life, man.

And I'm here to tell you, I mean, guys, I had a great time. I fucking had a great time doing drugs. If you come to me again and go, I'm going to make you 20 again, would you do the drugs? I say, yeah, 30. Let's cut it by 10 years. Let's just do drugs. So I was 30 and then you could smoke pot or have your little cocktails or whatever the fuck you do to make you feel better. But everything else, guys, and I see what's going on now.

Like, listen, when I was 20 and 25 and 30, I'm not saying I wasn't lurking in danger. You could do a line of coke and die. It's happened, you know, you could do a listen, you get in a fucking car and hit somebody with the car after you drink. It's happened, you know. But I sit here now and I'm like, I did so many fucking things in 15 years without the coke. And guys, it hasn't been a smooth journey. We had those edibles, you know, we had fucking refit was, you know, we've discussed it last Wednesday. On the podcast, Lee and I, it was, it was nonstop, you know, cat tranquilizers, which he reminded me of happy pills from Vegas that he reminded me of.

It was and we were making it fucking happen. We were making it happen, but we weren't conscious for the experience. And that's fucking not good. That's not good. We were not conscious for the experience. You know, yeah, and I was at Uncle Benny's and we were all talking about people who stick with comedy, you know, and they have like a fucking like it's not good. You know, at the end, it's never fucking good, you know, and I made a statement and one of the comments said to me, you made that statement. It just wasn't and he was right.

He goes, I said that if you're 45 years old and you're still a feature act, you should start considering something else. And he was like, I don't agree with that. I go, you wouldn't, but that's what I did. That's what I did at 45. I had nothing going on, nothing. So what was 45? 45 was 40 would have been 2003. So 45 was 2008.

I got married in 2009. Right off the fucking powder after I was sober a year. I didn't make any decisions till I was sober a year. That's how cautious I was. I was very cautious. I took my time. I didn't go to meetings, but I read the big book. You know, I read an addiction book from time to time.

I did. I knew I didn't want to go back. It took me six months to not be scared anymore of getting out like it took me six months ago. Okay, I don't think about it every day. Now let's get six months. And that was six months of sleeping. You know, you go to bed, you wake up and your mind gets better little by little by little. You just get better and better and better.

It took me a year to start making decisions. And that's the decision when I got married. And at the wedding, I was like, I don't fucking do stand up no more. Like I love doing it with Joe. I'll go on the road with Joe and I'll fucking. I was going to get a job selling cars at the Ford place around my house and I would have done anything. I would audition because I was in LA anyway. I'm an audition, but I quit fucking comedy.

I was pretty much done. I was like, yeah, open for Joe if he wants me to. And then one day I got a call from Felicia. We started doing podcasting and the podcast and let the other things and here we are. But I wouldn't have released that statement if I didn't live it. You know, when I was 45, I didn't see it. I didn't see myself. Yeah, I had some movies under my belt and I was a regular at the comedy store, but I didn't see that this is going to turn into anything special.

And then through podcasting, it came back and I became the comic that I am today. But it's, it's, it's very weird that you have to really look at yourself when you're growing in this type of art thing. Because at 45, if you're still a comic and you're still trying to hustle and you're still a feature act and trying to hustle fucking spots. I don't know what's going on in your home life. But if you're a feature act, you probably got no fucking, you know, you're out there every week. So you may have a girlfriend. You may not have a girlfriend. So it depends on what point of your life you are.

But there's got to be a point in your life where you look and say, and say, this is either working or it's not working. You have to be very honest with yourself. When I decided to get out of comedy, it wasn't that it worked. It fucking worked. It fucking worked. I was at the store. I told you, I already had great movies under my belt. I had some great things I had done, but I was ready to move on.

I didn't know that the podcasting would help open up another chapter and I'm happy it did. But guys, so much has happened. I said, I didn't get high anymore. So if you're getting high, whatever, don't quit today. Quit on your fucking time. But know that there's going to be a greener fucking pastor out there. I just know, I'm telling you this right now, whether you're taking one pill a night, a couple of pain pills, you're snorting coke, you're drinking. If you fucking take it, just take a time off.

There's a green pastor over there and it's fucking waiting for you. How do I know? Because it was waiting for me. I never thought I could ever get off a fucking drug. So weird. I was reading this article the other day by my friend. What's the name? Tiffany Haddish.

And she was talking about it. It was an article she did in some women's magazine. And it was talking about what she did with the money from Girls Trip. She got 80 grand and she paid off her house. And people were like, what the fuck are you doing? And she goes, I want to pay it off. And then something else happened and she bought a house and she started questioning about generational wealth. So she started, and this is what people, you know, when you look at Tiffany Haddish, you don't think about this shit.

But it all came down to Tiffany Haddish paying off that house because she never wanted to be homeless again. She never wanted to be homeless. It's so funny how your mind just grips onto certain things. I took such a beating in my first marriage. I was such a loser, let's get it right. I was such a loser in my first marriage that for years I didn't want to look at it that I had lost. I thought marriage was just fucking bad. So I was turned off to the idea.

That's why when I did that thing with Ryan Sickler, I spoke about that. That I was just dating women for a long time and it was getting me nowhere. And it was time to fucking latch on to something like that. I don't even know where I'm going with this. But what she was trying to say Tiffany Haddish is what I do with my life, you know. I got locked up and I should have got locked up another 10 times, you know, in my life. But I learned so much from getting locked up that I knew one thing I never wanted to go there again. I never wanted to go there again.

Like there was no way I was going there again. And yeah, I did some slip ups and stuff, but I ended up in prison and I ended up on a fucking stage, you know. You know, I don't want to be homeless. I don't want to be on drugs again. I mean, and it's so weird when you get off drugs, you always feel like you could relapse at any time. So I'm a little cautious about that, but I'm not. I was, oh shit, Mike. Mike and I were talking about movies the other day and we were talking about the crow.

Mike loves the crow. I fucking love the crow. I love the crow so much that I broke out in tears the other night when I was watching it. You watched it again? It was on. It was on from the beginning. I sat Mercy down and we watched the fucking crow and, you know, all those guys. I forgot that I had met the guy that was a pawnshop owner.

I did a movie with his ex-lover before he died. That guy's very, very gay, very nice guy. And when I met his gay lover and he told me he was married to him, I said, ask him. Do you know he did Miami Vice? And he's like, no, I didn't because he was a young guy. Gideon. Gideon in the movie. And he goes, no, I didn't.

I go ask him tonight when he played El Gato. He used to wear a cape and shit. That's when I knew he was gay. When he wore a cape and he wore like little glasses and he played El Gato. And then he came back the guy next thing and he goes, oh my God, I talked to my husband. He said that was the time of his life that he was just banging 18 year old studs in Miami and all this shit. But I love that movie the crow for reasons that nobody would understand, you know.

It's just Bruce Lee sending a message to the world like that. For me, when I was watching it dark and shit in my drugged up disgusted Cuban mind. I'm like, this is Bruce Lee sending a message with his son, whatever, but it didn't matter. There's a scene in that movie where the fucking guy who fucks his Japanese sister is snorting Coke. And I'll never forget that he's having a conversation. He's gibberish and he fucking puts the straw down. He does a line of coke and I looked at that. And I'm like, right now people would think that I would get my car running by Coke.

Like that would make you, you know, that could be a trigger for some people. I'm like, bro, that's a trigger for me to stay off the shit like the opposite. Like when I see that shit now, it's like, wow. And guys, again, I fucking love cocaine. I used to put it on my dick. I stick it in my asshole from time when I found that you could put a Coke rock in your ass. No, I didn't do that. Yes, I fucking did.

No wonder I shit crooked. The shaft is all off in my asshole. You think I'm fucking kidding. Yeah, never mind the eyeball cocaine fucking ruined me. And that's it for a fucking Monday morning. That's all you need today. We already fucked your world up. I had a great week last week and it's going to be a good week this week.

We're doing Wednesday and then hopefully we could do Monday. But next week I'm out of town for eight days and then we come back for Labor Day. And after Labor Day, it's fucking full fucking steam ahead straight to 2000 and motherfucking 23. This is the time of the year. You know, one of my sponsors this week is Liquid IV and the other sponsors, Draft Kings, who I fucking love to debt. They're great. They say something.

This is the time of the year to get on with Draft Kings. I know it's the UFC this week. Usman, you're going to have a great time watching great fights on that card. But this is the time of the year where it's pro football bitches. I couldn't believe I turned on the TV this weekend. I was football. I'm like, what the fuck? And they didn't have one game on yesterday.

I had like 20 games on when I was on that party Saturday night. I was sitting at a table at this restaurant in the back room and I kept watching the Pittsburgh game. I can't find anything. We kept switching it to Denver Dallas. And I'm like, holy shit. What? And I looked at the fucking phone. It's the 14th, the 13th of the fucking August.

So, but I just want to say one thing today because I was talking on Tiffany Haddish on how you, when she said she didn't want to be homeless again, and that's what she took out of being homeless. That's why she bought a house today is the 36th anniversary. I'll be getting sentenced to prison. So I want to send this, I want to send a shout out to myself for making it happen. And the judge for throwing me in fucking jail, the cop and my man, Ken Vella for taking the kidnapping like a man that he is. In fact, I'm going to call him tonight out of respect.

I might even take the conversation for you motherfuckers just so you can hear me congratulate him to make it from that ropey afternoon that we had. I'm all tied up in the rope and shit. But no, that's it. And that's that. Today was 36 fucking days. I spoke to my brother yesterday, Georgie, and I go, Georgie, think about it. Today you were on your way to Colorado taking a flight there 36 fucking years ago as a long fucking time ago. But guess what motherfuckers that burns in my fucking heart every day.

And every time I think about that anniversary, my dick gets hard. I did it. I didn't cop out. I didn't run away. I didn't go to another country. I did my time. I fucking got out there and I became what I became. Whether it's good or bad, I'm still here slinging dick.

I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black and I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday. And now for a word of my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here again. Thank you for listening on this beautiful Monday morning. I said, the joint is brought to you by DraftKings, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. This weekend we got UFC 278.

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Stay black. Uncle Joey got your back. You