Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #191 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, August 29th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Better Help, DraftKings & Stamps.com… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. STAMPS.COM Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month.  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #Stamps #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code JOY and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? We're back, cock-suckers. It's Monday the 29th of August and the joint is brought to you by DraftKings. Listen, football season is about to begin for Uncle Joey. It began fucking Saturday. I had the over on the Hawaii, whatever fucking game. I had to wait until 2 in the morning to get results, but it came through.

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and get ready to win some motherfucking cash, cocksuckers. The joint is also brought to you by Stamps.com. Listen, unless you're Santa Claus, you're not looking forward to dealing with the holiday males. And if you haven't started prepping for the chaos of holiday male and shipping, you've already formed behind guys. Don't get confused. It's September, whatever the fuck, August, but it's starting already. Stamps.com is everything you need to make life easier. It's the virtual 24-7 post office, no lines, no traffic, no hassle. My wife and I use Stamps.com for the last 11, 12 years and we fucking love them.

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com and click on the microphone at the top of the page and hit the code Joey. It's that easy. And now let's get ready for this motherfucking show, Jack. Let's do it. We're back you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 29th. I'm sorry we had to take the week off last week. I was at the fucking out of banks with the family and five other families. Twenty-something people in a fucking house. It was tremendous, believe it or not. I haven't done anything like this. I don't think I ever did anything like that.

I mean, my family growing up with other people. But anyway, the out of banks was beautiful. Shout out to Ducks Donuts. A bunch of fucking places down there. I mean, Jesus Christ, they were tremendous. I only had two fucking donuts. You know what I mean? I'm paranoid of fucking diabetes and shit. I had one donut one day early in the morning after my workout and one donut the other morning. And it was I did not have the maple glaze with bacon. I got to work myself up to that shit. You know what I'm saying? Everybody kept saying when I put the picture up on Instagram, it was really weird. The lady at the place said, you got to try the bacon with maple nut, whatever the fuck syrup maple syrup.

And it sounded good, but fucking bacon and fucking whatever that's sweet. That'll send me into another fucking dimension. So I was like, I'm not ready for it yet, but it was beautiful. The fucking donuts are great. I did a lot of crazy shit down there. I was on antibiotics for starters. So the first couple of days I swolled up from the fucking salt and the water and not having my chair with my feet go up and shit. But then every I didn't lift the fucking weight. I didn't touch a fucking weight all week. I just swam every morning. I would get up. I would add a nice little system down there. Guys, I was telling Mike how much I missed the outdoor.

Guys, Colorado was made for a chubby fucking spic like me. I don't know if I could describe it any better. That state had everything that sued my nerves. I mean, not from my stories of what I was doing up there. But even Boulder guys, I forgot to mention to you guys before I left Boulder last year, before I left Boulder, I had weights at the house like a bench and the bench was my dinner table. My weightlifting bench. It was a fucking where I wrote jokes that bench. I wish I could still have that bench today. It was a one and all purpose type of fucking thing. I used to lift a lot in Colorado and swim and all that shit.

But the one thing I loved when I lived in North Boulder was just smoking a fucking bomb or two and then rolling a fucking joint and walking up a hill. Just walk up a fucking hill. Guys, yeah, you're a little scared. You got the mountain lions one time. I didn't see a bear, but I heard that motherfucker. It sounds like a little bit of an earthquake on the floor and shit. You see trees moving weird. I got the fuck out of there. But that was part of who I was. So when I went down to, you know, I moved to fucking Seattle, it rains. We could walk in that shit all day. And then Los Angeles is a fucking concrete jungle, you know. And they got places to walk in Los and parks and shit, but I don't know. I was so into my career. I forgot all about that. And then I got to Jersey two years ago and eat when I first got here.

For me, just to get out of my head, I would go to like a fucking softball field. There's a little league field about a mile from here and then there's another field like football, but I would go behind. Like when my daughter practices softball, if you walk behind, they got a path. And this time I just, while they're back there, I want to get away from mosquitoes. I take my little nature walk dog and it does wonders for you. It really does. Like even now, when I wake up in the morning, I do not. I'll tell you the biggest mistake I was making. I don't know how it is for you guys, but the biggest fucking mistake you can make today. I'm going to tell you what it is, besides drinking a coke for breakfast or smoking a fucking cigarette.

If you start the day, if you get out of bed and you walk right to the fucking computer, you lost. You lost. And guys, I did it for fucking years where I would, you know, you get up and you go right to the computer room with your fucking phone and your fucking cup of coffee. And I'm waking up and before I could even process what happened yesterday or process what I'm doing today, you're getting bombarded. You know, uh, Trump called her a fat fuck, you know, back then when I would wake up in the morning, every day was something about Trump. He called this chick a fucking pig, whatever the fuck. And it wasn't just Trump. I'm not, I'm not talking about Trump. I'm just talking about all the negative, all the, and I hate saying that word, the negativity, but all the shit that's got nothing to do with you at six o'clock in the morning. I don't know what it was. I thought that, I think that that was a trigger for my just getting into the shower and going, what the fuck? You know, this is happening. This is happening. Kobe, you know, so now when I wake up in the motherfucking morning for the last two and a half years, I don't even go to that fucking that area.

I get my cup of coffee and I go and I sit in a chair. We all have a fucking chair. If you don't have a chair, get a fucking milk crate. It worked for me for years. Okay. Go to 7-Eleven at night. They got the milk crates out there, steal them. I got 10 of these fucking crates. That's how I do them. One a week, you steal some fucking milk crates. I don't care if you got to put one on top of the other. They got those long ones, like the ones I have the almond and the regular milk ones. I don't like these, but they got those fucking big ones. I used to sit on one of those, just sit outside. I don't give a fuck if it's 10. Even last winter, I went outside every morning, every fucking morning. In the snow, you build a little trench for yourself, like a little igloo fucking spot and drink that coffee or drink your protein drink. I don't know what the fuck you drinking in the morning. You're fucking soy latte.

And just look at the clouds, look at the sky and process what happened last night, process what happened yesterday and process what needs to be done today. I got to tell you something. It's a fucking game changer. If you wake up in the morning, you go right on Instagram and Twitter and this chick showing a pussy. You got this chick sucking a cock. You got fucking this guy talking about who's who's who hates your Rogan. What the fuck Aaron, whatever said on there about that, you know, you're going to die. Your mind cannot handle it. And that's what's going on right now. There is so much fucking information thrown at you that you can't fucking process it. You know, and I learned this, guys, I was dying in fucking anxiety for five fucking years, medication, breeding. I didn't know what it was. And I got to be honest with you now thinking about it. Yes, it was the move and the whole thing, but it was one, I was sick and tired of just doing comedy. I was fucking sick and tired of it, like just, I was at a point where I just couldn't take it no more.

Guys, the plane rides, the bullshit, the fucking agents, it got old. But besides that, it was all the information that was getting thrown at me. And I think right now, all these people that have mental health problems, including myself, that things aren't still the same. A little right for you since the pandemic started or whatever the fuck is going on. It's because all the fucking information we got thrown at us. If you look at people, they go and fuck crazy. People are going fucking nuts, guys. I don't know where the fuck you live and you're peaceful abode. But people are fucking going off every fuck. I went to the gym this morning. I'm on the bike. They have the news on, right? The local Jersey fucking news. There was two people shot in Tom's River, which is 25 minutes from me. They're stealing cars and Newark left and right. And you start thinking about shit that you don't need to be there in the morning.

Think about if you have a fucking nice car and you live in this area, whatever, freehold, what they're doing is these car thieves get the fucking cars at night when you're sleeping. They go through your key fob. Even if you have your key fob in the fucking house now, they could steal your fucking car. Look at Jimmy's neighbor. They got ways to steal your cars now that, you know, we did all this fucking technology with the key fob. They're telling you to take it out of the fucking car. Don't leave it. How about this one? You can't leave it defogged by your door. Whatever the fuck they're called. Because people can zone something. Listen, I'm not a fucking genius. I'm just telling you what people say to me and I process and go, okay, I won't leave my key fob by the fucking door. Okay, I got it. But it's people going off and I think part of it is everything that gets thrown at you all day. You know, if you go right to fucking Yahoo or CNN News or whatever the fuck it is, you know, I don't know who's right. I don't know who's left. I don't really give a fuck.

But you got this, what the fuck? You got this, you got this, you know, it's constant guys. So what I'm trying to say to you is you don't need that early in the morning and it's helped me a hundred and fifty fucking percent. You know what my problem was? My problem was that I was always in a rush in my mind. I got to go, I got to finish this and go where the fuck are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Guys, I would wake up at four in the morning to pee. Honest to God, I'm being honest with you. Because I, you know, I would get up at four in the morning to pee and run over to Twitter and check your shit. Like something was going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. What's going to happen? Joe's going to put a picture up of his fucking bicycle. I lifted today.

You know, whatever, fucking walk 30 minutes, whatever on the treadmill yesterday, put it up. I'm in a car sitting there for eight hours driving back from North Carolina and he puts a thing up. A fancy fucking treadmill. Like everybody's got a fucking treadmill. So it's just, you know, I give it the time that's needed. I go out there. First thing when I got my cup of coffee, I don't like people talking around me. I don't want to hear about like in this house this last week, there were maybe two mornings that people came up. Biden, I go right outside. I go right outside. You know, I'm not into that. I don't want to hear that shit at all. He forgave student loans. He didn't forgive mine. I already paid it. Who's the asshole here?

So, you know, you go outside, guys, you say thank you. God forgive me another fucking day. How can I be a little better than I was yesterday? And then I give my gratitude for the day and my five things I'm grateful for. And you know what? I say in my life, if you're driving by and you think I'm crazy, I don't give a fuck. Okay, I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for fucking my family. Whatever the fuck you're grateful for, I'm grateful for what I have. And most importantly, what I don't fucking have. How's that one for you, cocksuckers? You know, for everybody who thinks you need a Lamborghini in your life, you don't need dick, okay? Oh, I would love to live in a million dollar home, a ten million dollar home. Yeah, it's a million dollars a year in upkeep. Are you going to fucking do that? You're going to win the lottery every year, cocksucker? No, you're not.

So, keep making those donuts. Whatever it takes. I mean, I'm not going to sit out there for two hours like a bumpy. I got shit to do in the morning. But however long the process takes, sometimes I sit out there for twenty minutes and my wife comes, and we discuss ten minutes of the week, of the day, what's going on. Then she goes her way, and I come down and start my day with the computer, emails, whatever. And then from there you go to a fucking gym. Whatever your fucking day is. But what I'm saying is, I just don't fucking jump on the fucking computer for breakfast no more. It's no bueno. Anyway, I gotta tell you, motherfuckers, what happened last week? Because you know how it is, guys. You sit here for eight fucking months, nobody calls you, right? Nobody fucking calls you. Not one person. Hey, Joe, I got a job for you. I have an agent in New York. I got two agents. You know what I mean? I'm always running with a guy on the side. I got a guy. But this guy's who bots. Eight months, not one fucking audition. I love him. Great guy. But you know, so now what?

Anyway, so I got my little gay brother. I've had him. He got me Spider-Man 2. So think about how long I've known Dave for. Dave is my brother and I have. Dave moved to New York. He's my little gay brother, and he just books theater, which I don't give a fuck. But I told him, Dave, can you help me out? And he goes, if I see something, I'll submit you for it. So, guys, I swear to God, I get in the car maybe Friday afternoon. We got the fuck out of here. We got a hotel halfway. We didn't want to do the whole night sleeping. We don't know if we get car sick. I might get car sick. My daughter might get car sick. So me and one of the other family said, fuck it. Let's pull over with that four and a half hour mark. That'll give us plenty of time. We'll get some dinner. Got some fucking tremendous Mexican food. I don't know what's going on in North Carolina, but there's more fucking Mexican restaurants in North Carolina than what they are in California, Jack. I don't know if they tell these Mexicans to move to North Carolina. It's the smartest fucking move in the world.

So they don't have to have hand-to-hand combat with other fucking families. But I'll tell you something. I stopped at a Mexican place. And from the outside, I gave it a two. I gave it a go to a place, and I don't even know where I'm going in there. I already see shit and blood coming out of my fucking asshole. Me and my wife, the other family, went in there. First off, they had to put tables together for us. They had like three different tables. The last table was a circular one. This one was like a poker card table, and this one was a nice dinner table. They had maybe six tables in the place. El Cuyanco, I don't fucking know. I think it was in Virginia. We go in there. The family's in there. They got bulletproof glass. I don't know why. Like, you could order food to go. They had like glass there, and then they had a little dining room area, maybe five table.

I sat down. I'm like, I'm going to be a little careful in here. I'm not even going to touch the tables. Like I said, they had to put three tables together. I think it was three. It was like seven others. They had to put three tables together. All tables were all fucking different, right? So I'm not feeling confident about this fucking place. They never even had time to go get tables. It's the same when they open the restaurant. So she comes over. They bring chips and salsa, chips and money, and salsa's fucking even better. Okay. Then it comes time to order, and I ordered, I wanted to be safe. So I ordered chicken enchiladas with the green sauce. Let me tell you something, guys. I wish I would have ordered ten orders of it. It was so fucking good.

That's number one. Number two, I tell you what stood out. The fucking chicken was tremendous. It was one of those roasted chickens from Costco. Yeah, these are Mexicans. They dope that motherfucker up, Jack. They dope that motherfucker chicken up, and they put an enchiladas in with fucking green sauce. Oh my God, we're rice and beans. These motherfuckers, and the bill was like 80 bucks for 15 of us. Put that in your pipe and smoke in North Carolina. That was the only meal I had out. That was the only time I had out. It was fucking delicious. The people were great. They had fried ice cream for the kids. Free dessert. The kids were fucking happy. I don't like fried ice cream. I don't know. I like my ice cream fucking cold. I like my ice cream cold. I don't want no fucking fries.

I took my daughter to some place two weeks ago. She gets the Oreo pancakes. I'm okay with that. It's bad enough. She came and fucking ate in the morning. Two fucking fried Oreos up on top. On top of the fucking... I'm like, Mercy, what is that? She's like, I think that too. Forgive me those fucking things. But I like them. Give me those fucking things. You can't eat a fried Oreo for fucking breakfast, Mercy. You'll fucking run home next to the car. I can't have that. It's eight in the morning. So, I leave here fucking Friday, right? Get there Saturday. Having a great time. Monday morning, 9 o'clock, I got a fucking email. Can you make up your mind on this offer? I got an offer to... So, I'm sitting like I told you, motherfucker.

You never know what's gonna fucking happen when you go away. Nobody bothers you. I would sit at home for two weeks and a minute the Uber would come and I would close the door on the Uber. I swear to God, guys, I would just close the door on the Uber. The guy would go, airport, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not even five seconds. Right away, my agent. What's up? Hey, you have no addition tomorrow for a fucking movie. You miserable fucks. All week I've been sitting here with my finger up my ass going to fucking and hanging out with Lee. Notables, nobody fucking calls. And now you want to fucking call me today as I'm leaving. So, sharing on Monday, I got this long email about this pilot. They want to use me, blah, blah, blah.

They want a picture of me with the kid. You know, just... Really? I want to think about this shit right now. I didn't even reply. I was like, fucking, I'll deal with this later. The next day. You ready for this, motherfuckers? I get an email from my little man, Dave. Guys, you ready for this one? He got me an audition for a play. For guys and dolls. For the role of big fucking jewels. But no, no, it gets better. It's a three-week run at the Kennedy Center in Washington, fucking D.C. and the nation's capital.

And I'm sitting there going, let me call this motherfucker. I call him up. He's in England. Hi. I'm like, what's going on? He goes, I came to England for a party. I'm like, listen, what is this? What is this? And he's like, Joey, this is a big time. He goes, you fucking do it to me all the time. He goes, they call me. They ask me for my client list. I send it and they want to talk to you. I don't know why. I don't know what you're doing over there. I go, but Dave, a fucking play. I could see it. It's like a play off-Broadway. That's who I am. I'm not good enough. I've never done a five. I did a play one time. I got five in LA.

The worst play in the world. Huh? You were talking about how you wanted to. I look at this fucking audition. I haven't seen guys in dollars, the movie in 30 fucking years, you know? I saw the play in high school. Yeah, everybody does the play in high school. I didn't do fucking plays in high school. So I missed that on fucking guys in dollars. I called Nick Dutouro. I asked him for advice. He's like, fucking do it. It's fucking tremendous. Send it in. He goes, who are you reading for? Big Jules? I'm like, how'd you know? He goes, you're perfect for fucking Big Jules.

And George, some other fucking guy, and I'm like, are you guys serious? So I'm like, holy fuck. So I called another dear friend of mine and I'm like, hey, I gotta run this by you. She almost fainted. She almost fainted. She's a play check, you know? She almost fainted on the phone. She's like, are you fucking serious? You're definitely doing that. Oh my God. She goes, I love that play. She goes, who are you reading for? Big Jules? I go, yeah. And she's like, you gotta fucking do it. So tomorrow, I'm putting this fucking audition on tape. I wanted to come home. I'm going to put a suit on. I'm going to fucking look smoking. Because the role is for a 60-year-old guy. It's an old guy. So I'm not, I don't have to dye my hair.

I don't have to do dick. It said right on the thing, no singing, no dancing. Because a lot of you is at home going, Joey, you got to dance. Listen, my mambo days are fucking over. Okay, I could wiggle a little bit, but my mambo days are fucking over. So I'm going for it. Why not? What's the worst nigga say to me? No, who cares? I move on, we come back, we do the podcast and we still got to, and it's only like a three-week run. It's like October. Like a couple weekends? Yeah, that's it. No, no, no, no. Or the whole week.

It's seven days a week. You got to stay down there. You got to stay down there every fucking night with a fucking matinee on Saturdays and Sundays. I think it's like two weekends and two and a half weeks or whatever. Guys, listen, I mean, I'm getting old. This would be a great experience for me. You know, I could, and it's something I want to do and I can drive to DC. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to fly, waste my fucking time because I don't want to go into Dulles Airport. That's a fucking, that's a big airport. So I was like, you know, why not? Why fucking not? You know, so I read the script last night. I fucking went over the fucking sides. I don't know them yet.

They're pretty interesting. Big Jules was like this fucking, the sides I got was about a guy, you know, Big Jules is gambling. And he fucking loses a dice and he wants to take a marker out. And then he goes, but hold on, we got to play with my dice. The guy's like, what dice? And he shows up with dice with no fucking numbers on it. And he goes, what is this? He goes, I got them specially made. He goes, where are the numbers? He goes, I got rid of the numbers. He goes, so how do we know? He goes, I know in my head. I know where the numbers are placed. I fucking died a laughter. So, you know what? I'm going to fucking go for it. Fuck it. What do I got to lose? What am I doing with my life? This Friday, though, I will be in motherfucking Mississippi at the fucking The Bert Show. We are doing the last fucking show this Friday. I am definitely showing up.

I don't know what's going to happen on a Newark airport. I am not getting stuck because I'm flying back with Bert to Atlantic City. You know, Bert flies private, so I called him up as a dog. Here's the deal. I'll take commercial down there, but I'm not getting stuck on fucking Labor Day weekend in Mississippi. That doesn't even sound fucking good right there. They never even made a movie named Stuck in Mississippi. People are leaving Las Vegas and fucking going back to Cali, but nobody's ever gotten stuck in fucking Mississippi, so I'm not going to be the first Cuban that's going to get stuck. I'm going to go down there. I'm fucking ready for you, cocksuckers. I don't know where you're driving because a couple of people hit me up on Twitter. Are you going to be there Friday? I'm going. I talked to Bert. It's fucking confirmed. I'm going to Mississippi.

I'm doing that fucking kick-ass show with Mark. I'm looking forward to seeing the guys, the DJ, everybody, and then I fly back Saturday. I got to go to my fucking girl's wedding. Florentines are getting married in Neptune, New Jersey. There's no wedding. I just got to go to reception. Thank God. And then we got another fucking kids party after that, so we got a packed fucking Labor Day. Can you believe it's fucking Labor Day already, guys? Fucking Labor Day. And I got to be honest with you guys. I was telling my wife on the drive-up yesterday, and I'm not saying this. You know, I'm not one of these guys that fucking says it just to say it. This is the best summer I've had in a long fucking time.

Guys, I'm done. Like, I fucking got shot at. I got thrown in jail. I found my mother dead. You know, I've been stuck. I'm done. Like, I just want to giggle now. I just want to smoke my little reefer. I took some fucking reefer down to, ooh, I took that tremendous OG down there. I got to North Carolina, and I brought rolling papers. You know, guys, and I didn't bring a grinder. So I had to cut that weed with a scissor. Oh, I was rolling joints the first two days, and I was getting fucking blasted. I have no reason to lie to you guys. I probably put on 10 pounds the first two days, and not eating sweets. They were cooking. We didn't eat at one restaurant, or we're down there.

Six nights. You know how nice that felt? You know how fucking nice that felt, just to have home meals every night? A Portuguese family came. That motherfucker. She made some black beans. Oh, my God. Some black beans, and she puts chorizo in it for flavor and onions and garlic over white rice. And then the other dude is Korean. He's from a great fucking, listen, these people, I went down there with a great people. I wouldn't put my hands with anybody. I've met these people since I got here. Our kids fucking hang out together. And we've become, you know, I hang out on like six different crews. This is my number one crew. I love these guys. The one guy's a garbage man in the city. He works at the fucking place. Big dude makes fucking great half of them up from Staten Island.

You know, like they're all Staten Island Italian and Irish and shit, and the Portuguese people from fucking Newark. The second night, I mean, the second or third night, she made black beans, my fucking eyes were rolling back. And the Korean dude took fucking short ribs and marinated these motherfuckers for four days. Like he's marinated them before and I've had them, but that day he left them in there for four fucking days. Now, for you guys who know me, I have short rib with fucking Korean dressing. That's 11 points. So two short ribs is 22 fucking points and black beans and rice is six. I was like, fuck it. I didn't eat no more than two of those fucking short ribs, but I got a big dish of fucking black beans and rice. And here's where it gets better. She chopped up garlic, put it on the bottom, like an inch of garlic on a dish,

and then chopped like two inches onions on top so you can put it all over your fucking black beans and rice. You know, Uncle Joey took that extra garlic dog. I was farting all fucking night. When you can smell your fart through a fucking sleep apnea machine, that's when you know your asshole's working double time. You understand me? When I fart and I got the sleep apnea machine on with a little fucking hole that vents air out that way, the excess air. And I get a fart creeps into that little fucking tiny people. That's success. You understand me? Speaking of success, we were talking about different things for the mind and what works, you know, like for me, waking up in the morning and fucking sitting outside like a Momo and looking around and saying my gratitude. These are all things that help you get grounded. Like for me, I had a lot of problems when I moved here.

And these are things that helped me get grounded. But one of the things that helped me, and it's still helping me, guys. You know, like I'm down to twice a month now. And it's just talk therapy. It's fucking helped me out tremendously. So before we go on, a word from our sponsors. And now for a word from our sponsor. Better help. Listen, like I spoke before, you got to take care of your mind. We spend so much time taking care of what's outside, but so little of taking care of the most important body part, the brain. For years I did it also. Don't feel bad. Investing time and energy in mental health is crucial to your happiness. Eating right, working out, that all helps. But there's no substitute for talk therapy. Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable. Listen, like I told you during the podcast, I still talk to Dana twice a month.

It's not every week. I cut it down. You could go with video. You could go with phone or chat therapy sessions. Or you could choose not to see anyone on the camera. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you could be matched with a therapist in 48 hours. If you try to get a face-to-face with a therapist today, it's going to take you two or three months. Half of them are booked out. Half of them don't even want to see clients face-to-face. So better help is online therapy. It's so much more affordable than personal therapy, you're going to flip. And the results are going to be tremendous. So what I'm going to do for you is this. Joint listeners, get 10% off your first month with BetterHelp.com slash Diaz.

Again, that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. And now back to the show. We're back, bitches. Don't forget, go to BetterHelp. Speaking of BetterHelp, let me tell you something else I realized last week that it works both fucking ways. One of my, I have a trait that's fucking bad. And it's not something that's not a fucking addiction. It's just a trait. It runs in my fucking genes. And it's a horrible, for years I thought about how bad it was. Because it doesn't let me sleep at night, okay? And what I'm talking about is being a vengeful person. Since I was a kid, I don't know what the fuck. I didn't like anything like people fucking doing shit to me.

I still remember moving to New York City and like in the first grade, second grade. First grade, a kid did something to me one day, like threw something at me or some shit. And I waited like fucking two weeks till it snowed. And I blasted him in the head with a fucking snowball. They rushed me to the fucking principal's office. And my mother was like, what happened? I go a couple weeks to get me with a fucking shoe or something like that. But there was teacher there and I was a little scared and there was other kids there. So I just waited from outside when they were the fucking snowball and blasted him right in the fucking ear.

He was bleeding. We were like six, you know? And it's funny because my daughter's watching Narcos and she fucking, she fucking, you know, she watches Narcos to learn Spanish. We both watch it together. That's the excuse we give my wife to watch Narcos and she loves Pablo Escobar and stuff. So you're not going to believe it. So my wife says to her the other day, so what are you, what are you learning on Narcos? What did you learn those two seasons? She goes, my favorite is Ibo. That means son of a bitch, you know?

And I said, my wife looks at me like, what the fuck? I go, listen, sometimes to initiate people into a language, you gotta teach them the bad words first. That's what gets people excited. And I look at, like a lot of people said to me, well, Joey, you know, you're a little foul mouth. You got, don't blame me. Don't blame me. Blame you motherfuckers. Blame your fucking children. Blame your parents. Your age, in the 70s, when you came here, people were nice.

Like when I was growing up in New York City, people were very nice to me. But the first words I didn't learn were fucking hello. I learned like suck my dick. It was something not good. I was thinking about this. It was something not good. And when my daughter said that to me, I thought it was a story. When I still remember this, like it was fucking yesterday. I was across the street from 205 West 88 Street when I was growing up.

I don't know what to say now. Not on the Amsterdam side, but on the 88 Street side. It was a laundry man. I don't know. Something happened one day with a girl from my class. She was in the first grade. I thought we were friends. Her mother was walking at night when they walked down. And I said something to her. And the next day I go to fucking school. And I was like, Jose, you got to go to the principal's office.

I'm in the fucking first grade. I'm shitting my pants and fucking the mom is in there with the daughter. And she's like, I don't know if you understood what you told my daughter yesterday, but it's unacceptable. And I'm like, I don't even know what I said. And the lady's like, whoa, it's too dirty to mention the thing. And I don't know. I said something like I suck my dick.

I didn't know what sucked my dick, man. But that's what the kids were teaching me to say. Like, don't say hello. Say suck my dick. And I fell for it like an asshole that I am. So I told this girl, hey, suck my dick. And next thing you know, I got in trouble. No fucking relation to what we're talking about here.

I just want to let you know a little something I came up with last week. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, fuck, you know, I'm in my mom. Like I was always a vengeful person. But then when my mom told me the story about her sticking up for her sister and stabbing the guy in the back and all this shit, I was like, what? You know, and then as I got older, I watched the Chinese connection. All those movies I watched as a kid triggered what I already had that was wrong, which is my revenge, whatever, you know, like anybody who fucks with me,

I got to get them at some point in my life. I'll wait in the bush and I'm very good at it. That's the thing about me. I'm fucking great at it. So I just sit back and relax. But I was thinking about how bad it was a couple of years ago. I'm like, this has to stop. And at that time, I remember Rogan used to have a joke 20 years ago when we first met about that. Things stayed with him.

That he was still mad at a guy from five years earlier that had asked for oranges. He was like a pool cleaner or something like that. And he asked Joe if he could take some oranges on the way out. And Joe goes, yeah, help yourself. And Joe was going in the shower and Joe said when he was in the shower, he could see the guy outside just taking a bunch of fucking oranges. You know, I just like more than what he should have. And he go and Joe said for years, I wanted to tell that guy what the fuck,

but I didn't and it and it ate me up. I don't know how the context. I don't know how he used it. I have the same problem. Like people always go to me. Oh, well, Joe Rogan says that you were funnier after he met you three or four years after he met you at the store. Yeah, because I had so many things on my mind. At that time when I met Joe, I was still plotting my wife's death and her fucking husband at the time. I was very immature and I was plotting their fucking death.

That was what I, you know, I didn't care about stand up. I knew at that time that it was just something I was doing to keep me busy and like it stabbed both of them. But then I got a life. I met a nice girl. I got my wife. And now I look at them and I pray for them and there's nothing wrong with that, you know. But I had a lot of problems with that venture. Vengeful shit. You know, I would always say something to people. I would always wait and I enjoyed it like reminding people. Hey man, years ago you did this to me.

Now it's your fucking turn to get it back to you. You know, I enjoyed it because it's true. I don't like when people fuck with you when they're in a circle, but it doesn't matter. I became a very vengeful person over the fucking years. But I also thought about the other side of that yin and the yang. Because yeah, it took me down some bad fucking roads and thank God I didn't do all the things to people that I wanted when I was mad at them. Like I always say thank God. Thank God I didn't act it out.

You know, I did act out a lot of things, kidnappings and shit like that and robbing drug dealers, but I never acted out 50% of the shit I wanted to do. But then I was thinking about it. I'm like, you know, wait a second. That revenge shit works there, but it's also worked for me another part of my life. And it's just me doing things. Like I never want to fail at something, even though you have to. You have to fail at things to get better at them.

I always had a strong belief that I didn't want to fucking fail at things, you know. So there's times when I pick something up. I don't know, like that when I was a kid, I don't know, we got into this conversation. We were talking about my wife asked me what happened with basketball. She goes, she didn't know the whole story that one of my friends and me were talking and she heard some shit that we were saying. Like all that day, we were talking about the summer before my mother died, how I didn't want to play basketball. I was going to play football and I started fucking bleeding. Like I started spitting blood and I got rushed to the hospital and it was just, but I always hated quitting basketball.

As I got older, I hated it more and more, but there was nothing I could do. I was 26 or 27 years old. What do you want me to do? Start from scratch and try to make it into the NBA. It's not going to work. But that lesson when I quit basketball at my freshman year stuck with me forever because I never wanted that to happen again. So anything that I do that fails, maybe it's not failure. Maybe it comes into your life when you're not ready for it.

Are you with me on this? Because there's a lot of things that have come into my life that I appreciated, but I wasn't ready for. And at one point I was ready and I said, okay, now I'm ready to take this challenge. You know, it's funny. In 1996, I wrote a fucking joke. A fucking guy got stabbed. The Russian, the Jewish, whatever got stabbed. Okay.

And he got killed. I forget what his name was. I'm sorry. I keep on top of all these fucking names, but I had a joke. You know, I like the guy got stabbed and I go, you know what? That guy got stabbed because $40 is $40. The guy who stabbed him was Jewish or something. And I made a joke like he got stabbed because in his world $40 is $40.

And it's either that joke or there was another joke that I can't come to mind. It was 1996, 1997, guys. And there was only one person who would laugh at that fucking joke every time I did it in an open mic setting. And that was Josh Wolf. He laughed for two reasons because the joke was funny, but he also laughed because the joke would bomb. All right. Like nobody in the room got it. And about a month, I couldn't figure out how to fucking set it up.

How to lay. I couldn't figure out anything. Maybe put some padding around it. I couldn't figure out how to fucking say this joke. And one day I was talking to somebody who was a great writer in Seattle and they was Cathy Sorbo, a girl that's fucking great. She was on MTV, really good looking, great lady, married. And she goes, maybe you wrote that joke and it's ahead of where your comedy is. At first it offended me.

I was like, that's not a nice thing to say. She goes, no, no, no, no. Listen to what I'm saying. You know, you had a fucking great idea. She goes, I love the joke. I'll buy it from you. I forget what the joke was, guys. It's killing me.

But she goes, maybe you're not prepared to say that joke yet. And I listen to it and I go, maybe. And what she meant was that that joke, it was a 10 year comic joke and I was still at a six year point. So I didn't know how to deliver that joke. It's a really hard pill to swallow when somebody says it to you. But once you think about it, you're like, oh, okay. And I'd never forget this. 10 years later, I brought the joke back.

And guess what? It killed. It killed every fucking time. Maybe it was a delivery difference. Maybe I had more confidence when I was saying it. Who knows? The joke was great. It just wasn't ready for me at the time.

Okay. You know, in 2000, whenever I joined Jiu Jitsu before my daughter was born, guys, I had two podcasts a week. I was doing two other podcasts a week and I'm going on the road three times a fucking month. It was like one class a week. I go to two classes a week. I never really improved. I just hung on. I didn't listen.

So I picked up bad habits in Jiu Jitsu. I picked up really fucking bad habits. And I did it for like four years and I got nowhere. I really didn't. I would do the same shit every time. And that was it. And I took it. And then one day I ripped my fucking left hamstring at the comedy store.

And then the pandemic hit and there was no more Jiu Jitsu. And I got to tell you through all the moves and all this shit and the podcast, I was like, I'm not happy on how I left Jiu Jitsu till this day. I'm not happy. So when I got here, I went online and I looked and I found Hollis Gracie and I went up there one day. And I talked to him and then two weeks later I got the knee surgery and I was out of it. I thought I was done with Jiu Jitsu forever. But then I was like, I can't. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, John Jock is missing fingers.

One of the greatest professors in this country. Great. Eddie's teacher, Eddie Bravo's teacher, John Jock is great, but he's got a handicap. He's like, I don't know what a handicap is. He's missing fingers and he still grabs you because it's an art. And no matter how you could still, you could learn how to work with it. Tony Iommi is missing fingertips, a guitar, great guitar player, rips out the asshole. He figured out a way how to play.

When you really want to do something, you figure out a way. So I figured the bum knee, I can't do knee-on-belly no more. I can't do a lot of things. I can't pass on my left side. There's a ton of things I can't do no more, but there's a way I can do it now. And now I do it. And I'm happy about it. I'm not the best guy in the world.

I don't go in there and fly through the air. But I go, you know, and the same thing has happened to me like with jokes would stand up. Like if I would have a bad, like I had a bad week in Columbus when I first started headlining in 2011. I had a bad week in Columbus. And I swore to God, I didn't give a fuck about money and nothing. I'm going to go back there and fuck them up. And what made it worse was that the club owners, coolest shit, the managers, coolest shit, I loved them. But for some reason they didn't book me for two fucking years.

So I was like, they didn't book me because I ate a bag of dicks, you know. And I was pretty fucking embarrassed by it. I mean, I told my agent, I go, I ate a bag of dicks. I wasn't ready to headline. I was all over the place at my moments. I was funny. Nobody complained, but I know I could have done a lot better. And guys, the next time I went to the fucking Columbus, I fucking destroyed them.

And I guess what? I destroyed them every time after that. I still remember the night that we were in Columbus for 420 and the kid fucking passed down the audience and the ambulance came and got them. And they fucking, his friends left them there. Tremendous fucking shit. I had great times in Columbus, but I went back there and I fucking laid it down. I'm very vengeful like that. And I thought about, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, my revenge side is shitty.

But how I care about if I do well or not, I like that, you know. One of the things guys that was really in the way with me, I put up that duck donuts picture. And then a couple of weeks ago, I went to a game with my daughter and I put some pictures up from the baseball game. And then two nights later, one of the families, like, we're going to go to dinner tonight. And I made some videos at dinner and we were fucking around with little pink things on my Instagram. And I had a great time as for the kids, you know, but people always go to me, Joey, we like what you're doing. You know, you're a good dad. You try.

I don't feel that way, guys. I don't feel that way at all because in my world, I have a fucking failure. I have an asterisk as a failure as a father and as a fucking husband. So that will stick with me forever. Okay. I was such a failure as a husband. I didn't want to get married again. And I was such a failure as a father that between you and I and the third fucking God up there in the sky.

Like the six month mark, I was ready to leave my wife. Not because I didn't love her guys, not because, but because I didn't want to disappoint somebody again. I didn't want to disappoint somebody again. Then I caught myself and I go, I smacked myself in the face and I go, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? You're doing this and this time you're going to do it the right way, you know, and that's it. And it's going to take time. And for me, I feel like a hypocrite at times, you know, when I put those videos up and all those other things. But guys, it doesn't matter that I feel like a hypocrite.

I'm trying to be a good fucking dad. I'm trying to be a family guy. I'm trying to be home. I'm trying to do things. Like I said, this thing I did last week, I would never do this. Anybody who knows me knows I'm a three day guy. After three days, I start itching. I find excuses why to fucking leave.

It's just, it's just the way some people are, you know, and that's just the way I'm like, I've accepted it. I talked to my brother yesterday, George, when he told me that you back and we go, yeah. He goes, I gotta be honest with you. It's the first trip you've ever been on that you didn't complain to me one time. You didn't want to come home. You didn't complain. I didn't. Even my wife said to me at the wives like, listen, we've known this guy for two years.

This is the happiest we've ever fucking seen him, you know. And guys, at the end of the week, I just want to be a dad. I just want to know what that feels like. I want to know what you guys experienced to just be normal, not having to leave every week and come back with a fucking story. I don't want to miss anything. I gotta go. You know, I agreed with Bert to go to Mississippi on Thursday, Friday. Guess what?

I get an email right after I agree with Bert that they're having a softball party on Friday night. They're going to have practice and they're going to get pizza and ice cream and again, you know what? There'll be other practices, but that's not what I'm doing here. I want to be. I want to be here for the her. I want to be here for my wife. I want to be here for my friends. I like my people in the neighborhood.

You know, last week's solidified something else. And again, I love North Bergen and I love the people I made up there. I love the life I made up there. I'm embarrassed about the way how I left North Bergen. I got no reason to lie. No, but I'm very embarrassed about my reputation up there as a fucking thief and a fucking nomad. But in my world, I've, I'm not a thief. No more.

I'm not a fucking nomad. But in my world, it's very tough. Like a lot of people go, why don't you come up here as much as you do? You know why guys? Because I don't want to walk up here like nothing ever happened. Something happened, you know? I'm coming up on a 40 anniversary robbing a fucking jewelry store. Now nobody remembers that today.

Nobody cares about it. Nobody talks about it anymore. But guess who does? We care about it. I do. I mean, every time I drive past the jewelry store, I beep at them for good luck. They're not even there no more. But my point is I'm one of those guys that takes what I did seriously in the past.

I know I come on here and I've been coming on with the church and all this shit for years. And I was giggling about it, but I wanted to get it out of me. So I was at peace with it. That was part of what the church was about and the joint for me to make peace with. Now we got a book coming out next year and that'll be the end. That's it. You guys have heard it all. You painted all the pictures for your butt.

This picture, you've never heard. It's crazy how I took revenge on. I lost as a dad. I lost as a husband. And I tell you, when you lose as dad and you lose as a husband in my world, you're a fucking mutt. And that's exactly what I did. So I'm not too happy with my situation as of the past. As of what I do now, what I've been doing the last two years.

And it's like I told my brother yesterday on the phone when he asked me, I said, George, you didn't believe me when I told you. When I moved here two years ago, it was to end the bullshit. It was to end it. I did it. I had a great time. I loved doing the theaters. I still enjoyed doing stand up, but not to the level. It doesn't mean that much to me anymore.

It doesn't mean that much to me. I don't care about a special. I see these people running around. You know, now I heard something even more fucking disturbing. Mike and I were talking before and Mike's like, I asked Michael. I haven't seen Mike in a week. What have you been seeing on the internet? Whatever.

Nothing. But I heard something so fucking disturbing yesterday that I'm happy. I'm not doing this because I would have had to say something. You ready for this? Oh brother, little international Lee Syed went to Dallas this week and he went to see Brian Simpson. Funny motherfucker. I'll see him Friday night in motherfucking Mississippi. I'm looking forward to it.

He went by himself. He reached out to Brian, Brian Compton, the tickets. You know, he just wanted to go see Brian. Brian's a funny guy and he had two drinks or something. And he said he gets his check and 30 something dollars. He looks at the check. There's an 18% service charge. When the waitress came over, Lee goes, I just want to double check with her.

I asked her, hey, what's this 18% for? It's just your tip. And he goes very like upset. She looked at him and she goes, no, that's 18%. The club is putting on top of everything. It's usually just for the groups of large people, right? No, they put it on all the checks. And he was like Joey and I tipped her because I didn't want to think I fucking robbed her.

But he goes, that's fucked up. I go, bro, these people and these are the same, these big chains of clubs, man. When the pandemic hit, I just wanted to see where they were at. So I called them up and I go, listen, as you could see all these comics that you're hoping go back. Because I thought, I know for me, if I would have gone back into comedy, I would have gone back to clubs for a few months, got warmed up a little bit and then busted into theaters and then whatever, you know. But I don't think people did that. People just fucked comics blew my mind.

They just went right into theaters. They didn't miss a fucking beat, you know. So I called them up and I'm like, hey man, as you could see, I just wanted to test the waters. I go, as you could see, all these fucking big acts are going into theaters. I don't want to do theaters, to be honest with you. I don't want to do two theaters a weekend. So I would love to come back to your club, you know, to your clubs and maybe put a little tour together, put a little banner up with you guys, maybe get some sponsors, you know what I'm saying?

But these are the percentages I want. And I hit them with something out of my mind, just to push them there, just to open up that mind, get them thinking a little bit. Remember, to be a good fucking comic, to be a good musician, you got to be a salesman and you got to have that fucking mind. We discussed this already. So I just threw out a fucking number out there at them to blow his fucking pants off because you have nobody else to do what I could do. So let me go in there and do it and we'll fucking all work together. They've been good to me. I've been good to them.

A little kinky. I have to catch them from time to smack their hand every once in a while and go, oh, look, oh, we didn't know, you know, one of those people. So I called them up and I go, well, listen, if I do decide to do this, this is the number I want. They're fucking pants blew up. No, we can't give you that. I go, well, then you won't see me. And let me tell you something, you guys got huge loans over the fucking pandemic and you stayed open. People going to your clubs, getting fucking COVID left and right.

You didn't give a fuck. I did. I fucking did. So because of the damage you motherfuckers did now, I want what's coming to me like anybody else would. We all ask, you got your PPI loans, all these big fucking clubs and everything up that PPI loans. Don't think that they were fucking sweating bullets during the pandemic. There's a comedy club that got $10 million. She got two fucking clubs.

Don't tell me what the fuck is going on here. Now they want to charge 18% on top orders, which not a dime goes to the entertainer. Not a dime goes to the performer. Not a dime goes to the fucking waiters, guys. You know, I agreed to take these tickets in New York and I love that I'm doing it and I'm excited about doing it, but I'm not fucking excited about is where they raise those ticket prices to. I kept them at $40 for fucking everybody so everybody could go. That's a fair fucking price.

So I'm not too fucking happy about this shit that they raised them up to $400, $300. I'm not happy with this. Yeah, I'll get you some tickets, you know, but no, no. And you people, I'm telling you right now, I find out one of you motherfuckers pays over $40 for those tickets. I'll fucking never talk to you again. Do not pay. I'm not worth over $40. It's $40, guys.

So for them to do this, I'm gonna put tickets on sale in a couple of weeks for Philly. Same thing. $40 fucking dollars. That's enough. That's more than enough we could all. But then again, they wanted to put the tickets on sale for Philly two weeks ago. And I'm like, are you fucking retarded? I know what you're gonna do.

You're gonna fucking resell the tickets and then fucking buy them all and then resell them to my people for $200. And you know what? I'll cancel the fucking gig. And now with this 18% guys, that's why you know what? It's time to support your mom and pop comedy fucking clubs. That club you didn't want to go in because they gave you heartburn for nachos. Pretty soon when the word gets out that fucking these people are doing this. All these comics, these young guys are gonna...

Because all these clubs are doing it now. I'm hearing what they're doing to these young comics. It's not fucking good. They did it to me and I accepted it because I didn't give a fuck. I'm a criminal. I was just happy to be doing stand-up. I didn't give a fuck what you paid me. It was a lot better than what the life I previously had.

But these guys are getting fucking $250 to MC for a weekend. They want you to pay for your hotel and your fucking airfare guys. Come on. Come on now. You can't even sit in the fucking luggage for $250. The luggage pays $100 to fucking sit in there. So it's like, come on guys. It's time to fucking you young comics to start your own venues.

You know? I've been telling you for years guys. Some of the best comedy fucking rooms I've ever done. A comics that got a little bar and got a little room in the back. They pay. They charge. They have good fucking food. And you don't own the building.

You just go home at the end of the fucking night. You go home at the end of the night. You make a little paycheck. You don't have to get insurance. Nothing. And that's the way this is going to go. I am in fucking shock that I heard that shit. 18 fucking percent on top of the tickets.

This the fucking. He called me today this morning. He told me that the credit card company called him to double check on the 18% plus the fucking tip. How's that one for you? Even the credit card company said, what the fuck is going on? When a credit card company says, what the fuck? You call your credit card company. I want to buy a boat.

Okay. I only have 500,000 left. I'm exaggerating here. But you could call your credit card company and always bump them. You know that, right? If you pay your bills, you call them every 90 days. When I got an extra 250, I'm thinking of burying my cat, you know, whatever the fuck excuse you have. Anyway, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart, man.

I'm excited for Labor Day weekend because my world starts today. I'm not even waiting out people. I'm going to have to labor day. I'm going to put the white socks away and then we're going to go back to the gym. I'm not even waiting until next Monday. I'm starting today. I'm dropping down to 250. 500,000 fucking goals for the last four months of the year.

I'm going to give you guys the best shows I can in New York. The weed is getting strong over at laughing gas with my tremendous. I should be getting a new batch of fucking rainbow ruts pretty fucking soon and a new batch of fucking tremendous. And that's it guys. I'll see half you motherfuckers this Friday. And if not, I'll see you use the following week at motherfucking Uncle Vinny's. And if not, I'll see you the following week at the Sony Theater. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart.

Stay black and I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo. I appreciate you guys watching. Thank you for the support. But now for a word from our sponsor. Better help. Listen, you got to take care of yourself and you also got to take care of your mind. The brain is a beautiful thing and that's the time and energy and mental health is crucial to happiness.

That's why I'm with better help. Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable. I've been with them for over a year guys. I started with four sessions a month. I'm down to two with Dana and I feel 150% better. You're like Joey, what's better help? Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient and affordable because you're not going to find a therapist that's going to see you right away right now. With better help, I'll have you hooked up with a therapist in under 48 hours.

And it's much more affordable than in person therapy. It worked for me guys, so do me a favor. Joint listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com.daz. Again, that's betterhelp.com.daz. Also, football season is upon us. There's a new season with a new set of rules. I know you were with whatever other service last year but it's fucking DraftKings year. Sometimes you got to switch up to change your luck.

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Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. So show notes, read the show notes for details. Now do me a favor. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and let's bust your fucking bookmakers asshole. You understand me? The joint is also brought to you by Stax.com. Listen, the holiday season is coming. Fucking Santa Claus is putting on weight as we speak.

So do me a favor before you start shipping and sending. If you haven't started prepping for the chaos of holiday mail and shipping, you're already fucking slipping. So Stax.com has everything you need to make life easier. It's virtual 24-7 post office. No line, no traffic, no hassles. My wife and I have been with them for like 12 years. Stax.com gives you access to post office and UPS shipping services right from your motherfucking computer. I'm going to save you 30% off USPS rates and I'm going to save you 86% off UPS.

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Sign up with promo code Joey for a special offer that includes a four-week trial, free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments. Just go to Stax.com and click on the microphone at the top of the page. Enter code Joey. It's that easy. I want to thank Stax.com. I want to thank BetterHelp and I want to thank DraftKings. But most importantly, I want to thank USavages for always having my back.

Have a great Monday. Have a great Labor Day. If I don't see you, stay black.