Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #192 - Joey Diaz, Bret Ernst and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 3, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by hilarious Comedian Bret Ernst in studio for a great time. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/02/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to NatureBox.com promo code JOE. That's NatureBox.com promo code JOE. This show is also sponsored by ONIT.com. Go there and get all the supplements you need. Apple Brain, Shroom Tech, Strongbone. Mention Code Word Church and get 10% off. And the show is sponsored by NailedItLife.com for all the oil and wax smokers out there. Go to NailedItLife.com for the premier vapor pen on the market. Mention JOE Diaz and get 20% off.

20% off, cock suckers. Put that fucking album on DJ. Oh shit. Yes. For you motherfuckers that don't know, it's the church bitch. Special Wednesday of the edition. We ain't fucking around here. Kick that shit, Lee. Kick it. Wednesday night. The church of what's happening now. Kick it freestyle, tell me.

You bad motherfuckers, reefer, Lee. Brett Ernst motherfuckers in the house. It's Wednesday night. What? Wrapping, dropping, knowledge, reefer, fingers, up your ass, in your eye, lick it, flick it, stick it. What? Your bad motherfucker, June, July, second. What? We're eating, we're smoking, we're living, we're breathing. You bad motherfuckers at the church. It's a church of what's happening now. What? What? Ernst. That was fucked up, Joey. What?

What? Black people. Chinese people. Bullocks. Fuck it. The church of what's happening now. Way to set it off there, Joey. The fuck, we're all in this combobering here. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Welcome my guest, Brett Ernst, the main man, the co-host, the Jew with the fucking flu. At least I act that bad motherfucker.

Lee, you sick? No. Look, he's looking good. He greased his hair till he's ready to go. Yo, I'm so fucking glad to see you, man. I'm telling you, I'm happy to see you, brother. I love you, man. You're the best fucking guy I've known you since, I think, 1999. You were a fucking baby. You were coming out. Your eyes were big. Every time you heard music, you started dancing.

You were like Don Henley's girl. It's simply irresistible. Dude, you're the only guy I know I love you. You drink, smoke, and eat weed at the same time. I ain't fucking around, by the way. Cherry cannabis quencher for you motherfuckers leaving the gym and drinking Gatorade. Fuck you, all right? You came in, you put your backpack down, and it like, it started like, you know, rocking there.

Bag of shit. That new medical marijuana store, they ain't fucking around. They gave me a joint with hash in it. They gave me weed. They got espresso beans. I mean, I got fucking everything here tonight. I got chocolate covered fucking espresso beans, cocksuckers. Look at this. They're the best thing with chocolate, with weed in it that I've tasted. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believe. We're fucking around here no more out in Cali.

Few motherfuckers talk telling your friend's story. They're like, I'm growing weed in my base and suck my dick. You're in no danger. You ain't doing what we're doing, so get your shit together. Get your fucking plane ticket and come out to Cali and hang. Dude, we got fucking weed water. We got weed fucking water now. There's weed in the water. Better get water in the fucking weed. We're here. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Thank you for joining us at night for this special edition. I've been wanting to get you on for a while. What happened was last week, I'm at home, right, and doing whatever the fuck I'm doing. I got the earphones on, and I'm listening to this shit. Minding my own business. And I'm listening to this old school like something, you know, when you go to YouTube, sometimes you put it on and it just hits you with the different songs that you might listen to. John, because they already know.

It's like, if you go online in the afternoon and try to get a plane ticket to Connecticut, the rest of the day, every time you go on the computer, there's pop-ups. Yeah, yeah, look at this. United goes to Connecticut. Yeah, it's annoying. Like they fucking know. Google knows. They all know what's going on. So it's funny they have what music John was I listened to. And this page had like Black Label Society, had Black Sabbath.

They had like Bush. And then the corner was Let the Music Play. Yeah, Shannon. By Shannon. And I go, I haven't heard that in a while. And I played it for a little while and then songs pop up on the side from that era. And my favorite song came up. No, you like the other Shannon song.

I always remember that too. No, but I like the other, not Let the Music Play, but No, the other one. Must be the music. Oh, you like, Must be the music? That's turning me on. Must be the music. But you also like the other one she did.

You tell me you like that one better than Let the Music Play. No, Let the Music Play is my, Let the Music Play between me and you guys is the reason why I didn't go back to Colorado in 1984. Was that song? I went out to a club with my friends. I was leaving like three days from that night. It was like a Saturday and I was leaving Tuesday. And that song came out.

You heard that. And I was watching this girl dancing. Yeah. This song reminds me of, I love this song. So what year is it? February of 1984. I'm at a club. I got like an eight ball, a couple of koi lutes.

And I look up and I see a girl just dancing to this. And she's just, the way she was moving and I looked at her and moved and I go, It doesn't look like I'm going back to Colorado. And that was it. Fucking Gentiles. Look at these Puerto Rican chicks dancing. You know those city clubs when you go into the city. Well, I wasn't clubbing back then, but you know.

You weren't clubbing back then. Now where'd you grow up? Let's straighten this. You were from Jersey. Well, I grew up. I was born in Jersey. I went to 15 schools, man. One high school in Fort Lauderdale.

I went to Plantation High. I spent sixth, seventh, eighth and almost started ninth in Pasek, New Jersey. That's where I spent all my middle school years. I was born in Princeton, but I moved around a lot, man. Yeah. Single mom shit. But when I grew up in North Jersey, when I was up there, this is when all this stuff was going on.

And I lived in Pasek. You graduated high school. Ninety. So I'm eight years here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, it's crazy. Like people say, I mean, well, you know, Joey, you always listen to rock music. Listen, man. When it comes to music, I listen to everything. There's some opera shit I listen to. You know, I heard some fucking Russian heavy metal a couple weeks ago.

That's tremendous. It's really kind of weird driving with you like, where do we go? It was either the ice house or San Diego. I think we San Diego and you were playing like these like female singers that I would never I've imagined you liked and you knew all the words dude. I love that shit, too Well, my music's 70s like all that 70s divorce music like fucking Barry Manilow the Carpenters then throwing all this stuff freestyle and then hip-hop from like 82 83 to about

97 is usually all in there with some of the newest stuff. I'm not too crazy about a lot of the stuff You know, I know you I'm like you probably Nas I like Biggie, you know, there's new stuff. I don't know what Drake sings. I don't know what Ti sings I don't know what anybody fucking sings anymore. I just know those guys, you know, I have moved on or I got older or whatever But uh, it's funny because in high school on a Tuesday, I'd be at a Judas Priest concert But on Friday, I'd be at a club dancing with a bitch a chick

You know that I just mad But see you would be well, you're still older than my older brother But when when this shit was popping, that's when New York was wow, man That was a good time man because I remember like being a kid and in Third War Park We had a stage there and there would be kids breakdancing like coming in from the Bronx because you know, you we were pretty close You know, well, actually I wouldn't say that because my you were closer to to To New York City than I was right right there. I was right there. Yeah, I was right there Cuz all my family's from where you're from North Bergen North Bergen. Well, they're from Bay

Oh, Jersey City. Yeah, same. Yeah, same right down Bergen line North Bergen and fucking Jersey City of the same fucking. Yeah It's only but North Bergen's huge and Jersey City's and I you sang out Union City a lot a lot of Cubans there Yeah, that's a second Cuban population next to Miami, right next to Miami, but it's funny that when we met you I don't know when they were outside talking then you started doing your rollerskating bit, which you know It's really weird To watch it you had a roller skate like I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and And I watched them one day and I'm like, oh my god Well, here's what happened. We drove down to San Diego, right?

And we were doing a gig together. I was opening for you and and you were like Hey, come on. Let me ride with you. So we started riding And I had my Ford escort at the time. So I have my tape in and I'm like, you know, you were from Jersey I'm like, you love this shit. And I meant literally, bro I just kept popping tapes and you're like, that's my shit I love all that shit. And we just went down had a fucking great weekend came back and then from there Because when I first met you you used to do this was what's great about Joey, man We used to have the poppins at the comedy store and he would host and like when you were a young comic

Am I in the mic right when you're a young comic like I used to come when I first got made When I got my button, I used to go down there and just put my name first on the list, right? But when he was sitting he would go. I'm like, hey, I think I'm first he would go I don't go by the list and he just wrinkled that fucking thing out But ever since that weekend, he's like, Brett Ernst, you're on next. Brett Ernst, you're on. No, no But you had to put the names on for yeah, and then the guys from the list But see but you you you were very you ran the show, right? Yeah, I ran it because you wanted to put everybody up I tried to run it the best like cool, but you did great. No, it was you know, the dice comes in and does 45 man

Everybody's fucked. Yeah, so I was the open mic or yeah, you know, the open There's a pop in it and then there's a pop in a tent. Okay, so the pop in a 10 What happens is basically sorry to the open mic ends then a 10 o'clock host comes on and then I bring up the pros Okay, so let's say Brenner's poor brother and sit signs up with tuning the afternoon And and and I'm first on the list. He's doesn't let's pretend he gets there at nine He's fucking around talking Quarter to ten I go outside. I go Brent. You're up first fucking five to ten Ellie Griffin and dice would pull up And that means everybody's known boy

I would talk those guys sometimes into going after the first three guys But that that never I mean that was the first three guys. That was a different different Different time then man because you know stores run a little bit tighter now But that's when it was fun, man And then you're the you're you brought Joe in to see me I remember he was out in the hall you like you go watch this kid We had a good time and then then that's when you guys bought me a shot and and said welcome Welcome to the we did the thing in the kitchen

And it was that was it I was in and we've been friends fucking 14 15 years almost And it's fucking crazy how long that how long everything so how long did you get here you got here in 99? Yeah, but I didn't get my butt until 2000 and I got here in 97 And it's amazing that I'm still fucking here like I sit here sometimes it goes unbelievable 2014 and I walked into this town on a Monday night January 29 thinking I'm gonna be here for six months. I swear to God. I have no reason to lie to you guys Well, I went to eat it. I could put go I could put go the one that's where happy endings is now

On on oh my god. You're right. You're right. Oh shit. I forgot about that. Yeah But the other one was better the one in Silver Lake is a lot better the Alcapulco over there Yeah, if you stay on Sunset and you make the right movie theater that Alcapulco is a lot better I would go there fucking four days a week for the buffet They're the Mexican buffet. Oh delicious Alcapulco Delicious. I don't know how it is now. This is fucking easy. But see we would sit out in the parking lot it would be like you would be there and then Uh, um, Luca Palaca and Ricca was there and Schuber Schuber

Yeah, and just everybody would just hang out It felt like that you were you were you know, if it seemed like a little neighborhood type thing You know, everybody was back there and then I mean, we it was always packed back there and and ah, man It was it was a good time, man. Yeah when I started first started listening to the podcast I was really jealous because I had just moved here and work friends or work friends, but like It's kind of hard to make friends when you first moved someplace and it felt like listening to the stories that people the comedy store had like an immediate way to make friends And work friends. I don't really want to hang out with them that much. So like for the first few months I was here

I had like there was no social life and I was always I would listen. I'd be like I was jealous of you guys hanging out all the time. So it's cool Yeah, no and we bled we all bled together too. Well Joe was already You know, Joe was already a big name But like the guys that I came up with and even some of the guys that were ahead of us And it's cool when you're in that fraternity so to speak or and you know When you all bleed and struggle together, you know help each other get gigs feed each other put, you know

Put food on each other's plate. Mike marino. You helped me out. That's what we did the gig was what marino's Marino's gig. It was downtown San Diego the Cajun place. Yeah The Cajun place and I met bobby kelly that from that gig too And we've been friends ever since rob kelly out of new york Um, but yeah, man, you know, and we when we see each other, it's like, you know, it's like you slip, you know It's so funny. I I miss sebastian Yeah, you know, I hear great things about sebastian I'm gonna contact them because I wanted to come up one night so we could talk

But one of the things I these guys were all younger guys And I remember one day I got on the power call at 5 30 afternoon. They called me to be on bevely boulevard for an audition for politically incorrect for mob week Really when uh, what's his name? Henry hill and those guys won. Yeah, but what was the host? He has the show more border tomorrow was the show now when I moved here. I used to always go watch

Uh politically incorrect in the afternoon. You could just go to cbs Stand on line and go watch them, you know, so I would do that when I first got here, but Anyway, the three years later here. I am sebastian just got to LA When I met sebastian, he was he was like little veto when he came from Italy You could smack him. He wouldn't fucking say ouch He wouldn't talk. Yeah, he wouldn't fucking talk And he was funny on stage, but he was so shy and so introverted And I walk into this fucking audition and I see wheels and I see

What was the bald-headed guy that hung out at the store that was italian also And he did the sopranos he did three episodes of the sopranos He was a comic and they cut all three of them And then he got into a fight with rogan one night on stage good guy too It was just a misunderstanding with him and rogan. Holy shit. Why can't I remember the old guy with a daughter? He had a hot daughter. He was an older comic. He had been at the store for 30 fucking years He had no hair left. He looked like a little danny devito good guy and one night. I don't know what happened I saw him there

Sylvester Stallone's brother the guy that got hung and fucking good fellas The guy that got hung in the meat thing. Yeah, uh, you know Frankie carboni Frankie carboni all these italians of it He's at each that they bone and that you're auditioning for 350 dollars. You're auditioning for mob week promo It's the promo to mob week And when you get there they go as soon as you get to the audition they go, but it's all improvised pick a partner So I see wheels is talking to Sebastian And they're all mixing and matching and she comes out and she goes joey ds. I grab Sebastian I grab him because I know he's half a fucking deaf mute and I could just poke him to get reactions out of him and

Shit, I go into the room with Sebastian right deaf mute hysterical hysterical Sebastian was very introverted and he was quiet. He had just come from chicago. He was skinny You know and and I pulled him in there and something happened that we did it and boom the next day So I got a call And it's the commie stone like hi Sebastian just called here looking for your numbers. Okay, we give it to him And when I hung up bring the phone rings and it's my agent going you booked it And I hung up whenever there's a bashing going. Hey, man. I booked it. What happens now like Sebastian was that green Yeah, you know, and I remember going to the thing with him and they told us not to touch bill more

Because he was a germaphobe. Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. I love those conversations. Yeah I'm like fuck that shit And we ended up hitting it off and me and Sebastian did the thing and and then another time Sebastian was from chicago So nobody could you know nobody had booking agent, but I worked chicago. I worked riddles And yeah south side the south side. I think you worked there too. I told And I told when the kid Brent the big one when he was working there before he started bouncing checks This is but when his uncle had it

I got Sebastian in there one not me and the guy I when I would land in chicago, he would always take me out the owner of the club great guy He just called me suffering from cancees and rehab. I wish him a lot of luck And he took me to a strip club and I'm sitting there and this guy's come up to me. They're like, hey You know, Sebastian minus cup go And I'm looking at these guys like I'm fucking dead something went wrong here This is me in a strip club in chicago At one of the nice ones where they serve steaks and shit like yeah, yeah the classy ones and they come over and they're like

He's our cousin We heard you got him a job like how you doing and they started talking. They were very nice They bought me a few drinks, but that's how small of a world and I got Sebastian in the club later on but Well, we we you know, I was I was our world What you did when you were to come but the Sebastian was uh, you know, that was my me and him, you know, we're still tight You know, he was like my like he was like my best friend You guys were the yeah, we always show up together. We traveled we did the Vince Vaughn. Uh, why was Tommy tour together? um, uh, all that stuff man, we we work forever and and uh, uh

You know and it's it's cool because we all went off and did our own thing. So you kind of graduate But in the same token, it's like I miss I miss, you know Traveling with all my friends and everything like, you know, I miss going on gigs with Sebastian and and uh, you know Even, you know, you know, I mean like that's why I like coming home, man You know being in town sometimes because like I was we were at the store on What monday night? Dude, it fucking in that place. Look what just happened with cat wing. I was gonna say are you there for that? No, that was last night, but I'm seeing

All I heard is that some guy was making fun of him for being short and for being black He pulled out a gun and he was gone before the cops got there That's what that's what the news story said they said the cops showed up But shit like that guns out and like he had already left shit like that happened all the time not you know other day I remember the night you were smacking that dude around. That's a great story. What's that? That was a great story Uh, there was some asshole in the club. I don't know if he was a comic or something from san diego at the time And and and he was yelling at the back And like and joey just just took him right and we would he dragged them now

I was up front and then I saw joey. This is a great sebastian story So I see joey dragging him right and and fucking he's like you get the fuck out of here cocksuck And i'm going smack that motherfucker joey I go smack the fuck out of him right and the guy's just like he's being a dick And I look over at sebastian and sebastian, you know, he doesn't get any emotion. He just looks at me. He goes Like he's fixing it. He goes What are you doing? Why are you involved?

But I saw joey on him, man. It was remember that night you were pulling that dude out and he got him on the side That was like a trip. That was like a saga. That was like a fun. Yeah, that was an ongoing thing with this kid though Right, uh, you know, he came up to me at the store one night. I'm hosting and he goes. Do you mind if I go up? And I go no, you know, he's from la joya I don't know what is and it ended up we ended up being friends After that. Yeah, like years later. It was a situation with three of them It was a three on one situation. That's why I had to take it to the extremes So the first guy went up the one guy went up and I said don't touch the mic

Do me a favor. I'm gonna put you up. Do me a favor. Don't touch the mic We think this is the first thing this fucking jerk off does touch the mic touches the mic Mike breaks. Oh, then he goes up on the stage and he decides to do 10 minutes How long are you supposed to do? He's a poppin. He's not like a he's a poppin. Yeah, all right. I'm sorry. I like yeah like the Early, yeah, the early so he comes over to me like I go dog. You want somebody and he has fucking attitude towards me Like fuck you man. What are you gonna do about?

And I remember like it took everything I had to walk up to the stage to bring up the next act But I kept watching him from the stage like he's not leaving And I fucking brought whoever up and I went after him and that's how it started And he fucked you know, fuck you fuck you and fuck you and fuck you that's how it started And I think there was a pushing match and that was the end of that and then The following weekend they came up to the muscle me like fuck you motherfucker. Oh, really? You got the wrong guy and some happened that night and uh

Waitress got involved and they were gonna call the cops and I had to leave So that was the end of that. So there's a rumor going around town that they're looking for me And that's my world That's that's my we I didn't know all I saw was the door fly open and him dragging the fucking kid out And then I didn't see the other dudes because we were all like looking for you know, you know You know when you like ride and then it's almost like we got that was in hollywood. Yeah, this was this went all the way down to la joya Yeah, so I get to la joya on a friday and and the magic comes up to me to learn There's a one on the street that they're coming here tonight. Oh wait, so this is

All right, so this is the third time before you I thought you were getting to the oh go ahead, man I'm sorry. We did two bouts and we did two times and two or three times We went off on each other up in hollywood One time punches with room that I just fucking said fuck you and I dragged them out of there One time he came in my face and one time I threw him out of the store I threw him in his buddy. I get the fuck out of here. Fuck you's both And then the fourth uh, then I go to la joya And I get the thing that they're looking for me. So, you know me. I'm old school

I go to the con and I get every knife at the fucking condom Cubans I kick you inside. I put the blade in your mouth and spit it to cut them The ox I put the blade uh Everywhere else. I'm calling right now. No, I put the blades all outside under the bench Then there was a pool table Yeah, yeah, a little the little four. I took all those fucking sticks Jesus and hit them around the building. Oh, no, I go to war when I don't know no I'm old school and I had the sticks under because there was a there was a park bench outside there

Yeah, it's still there. Yeah, so I glued the knife the I strats taped the knife. No, you didn't oh, fuck. Yeah, you know, I'm fucking Nuts He's got and I got tape the fucking uh Ducked and you can see the tape on the bench So if you sat on it, you like oh, it's a piece of tape No, it's a piece of tape holding the fucking knife on the bottom. You fucking dummy That's a that's a skill. That's a skill you picked up in prison school. No, that's a skill I picked up That's where you put the shanks. Oh, yeah, my stepfather. So I hid the pool stick under there

There was no balls. There was no balls that night. I put on a hooded sweatshirt I put on a hooded fucking sweatshirt that had a hood. I took there was six balls or something I took two balls. I put them in this pocket. You put them in a sock and shit Not the sock. I didn't do Chuck Norris. Did you do the towel? No, no, it's even cigar. That's out for justice It was Chuck Norris in coda silence. Steven Seagal Oh, okay Fuck yeah, it was it was coda justice where fucking Chuck Norris did that the bar and then Steven Seagal Who shot Bobby?

Bro when I see that at the UFC is I always go who shot Bobby Lupo and he just sits there What's great is the old guy rusty in that scene When remember when the mob comes back after he got his nose broken and he's like, where's your brother? He's like, oh, you think I'm a fucking tell, you know, then he goes get him rusty and rusty is like an extra He's like a dude that you know, he just uh, just this is his scene. He's like, come here you cunt suck and he grabs him by his nose Rusty's the greatest guy ever in a fucking He's got him on the table. You're fucking mutt. What did we say? No, you're fucking So we're waiting for these guys to attack me

Everybody's at the club and they're like, when is it gonna happen? When is it gonna go down and sure enough and I think I was featuring I don't know if I was headlining. I pop outside and like fucking Puerto Ricans on the third they got music on You're gonna attack a motherfucker. It's like sons of anarchy. I love this show. I don't get it I always hear the motorcycles when they come to get me You know what I'm saying? If I know motorcycle people come to get me when they come to my door. I'm gone. I heard motorcycles

It's tough to be a killer when you got a fucking motorcycle. He goes So I'm on the I'm in front of a horror comedy store and I can hear the music and I see them But they don't see that I see them. I'm already prepared. I got my hands in my pockets With the golf balls ready to throw a curve ball and a knuckle ball All right, and I fucking they come up and as they pull up These idiots pull up with a water pistol Like the one the big ones to try to run me and before they even pulled it up I took the fucking cue ball. No, you didn't bro and just whipped at their car

Let me tell you what that sounds like. That sounds like a fucking cannon going on. I know I've been to highlight Okay These three Gentiles in the car that thought they were going to be made They were minor leaguers and they were going to a fucking all-star game When I threw that fucking ball at the car and that car went boom And they pulled out of there. They called the police and they called tommy Up at fucking hollywood. Oh, yes, they did. They never mess with me again for that I had that fucking comedy store, lawyer wired for fucking sound jack. You know, it's great. I mean to me

Thank god you didn't kill them. Yeah, I mean, you know, I thought they were like hamsters those kids Yeah, it was nothing. They were nothing and then the kid made up this, you know But you never know who the fuck they're bringing. No, I I play it safe. I didn't care if they brought 20 people I was taking three of them to the hospital. You should just brought joe and just had I would have had three of them with fucking cue balls at the hospital You hit somebody with a cue ball in the fucking head. They're gonna go to the hospital What's the worst thing you got hit with? I got hit with a champagne bottle one time And it didn't break if you've ever been hit with a bottle you want to you want it to break

You want it to break? Yeah, yeah, because it takes the fucking yeah, it takes away But this thing man fucking got clocked with this where did you get hit on the head? Yeah, no in the arm I don't know. He always go. He always go for the head. Oh, I think one of the worst things I ever got hit when the back of the head Was a whiff of ball bat with rocks in it Oh, who the fuck wow, you have no idea how much that hurts to get hit in the back With a whiff of ball that's heavy rocks in it. That's the weapon of choice That's a tremendous my grandfather used to drive around like with those old man weapons And he had like an axe handle like this big

I talk about on my act, but he had tape at the bottom of it like for grip and a fucking nail Oh, they didn't fuck around. No, you can't fuck around, but I remember thinking like, you know, what the fucky? What is how you you know, you hit on me like they always have that trick like you hit them and you fucking rip them with it You know like with the nail. I'm a hanger guy. I always have hangers in the car Like if you have a t-shirt on the hanger A hanger like like like the dry cleaning ones like the metal ones have the metal one I want you to you want to twist that shit And you wrap that motherfucker up and you start hitting somebody at night with that thing

They don't know what it is. They don't know what it is. I don't care If you know jikundo jujitsu karate kung fu Anything you fucking know you can't stop a motherfucking hanger coming at you. Well, let me okay. There's no fucking way You're even gonna see a hanger coming at you an unborn fetus. You can't You can't stop like this. You're not seeing a hanger just for the sake of arguing because this is so out of my realm You bring all this stuff. What if the guy has a gun? Then you're fucked then you got shot with a hanger on your hand done Oh, like that's when you got to posture your way out of a fucking situation, you know magazine

One of the hardest things you could hit somebody with is a magazine if you roll the magazine up real tight Hit him with the butt of it. Oh, it's like, you know, something like with a fucking brick a vogue magazine Fucking to the head like like a shaft I'll tell you that champagne bottle hurt. Oh all that bro anything hurts and you heard it. It went calm That night getting fucked up It all hurts It all fucking hurts, you know when you're out there getting fucked up So all my shit always happened in the club, man. I used to work in night clubs for before I got into comedy

I was for like almost two and a half years. I promoted clubs down in florida and club bokeh I worked that forever Then my whole crew went up to uh, atlanta opened the gold club up there And they got a lot of trouble back and like I don't know if you remember all that gold club scandal shit Yeah, those are the guys that I used to work with there were a lot of those guys were my friends But I was always in those nightclub scenes and then you know, I would You come in on your nights off sometimes or you know, go somewhere else and somebody would You know, I can try you would just you know, try to try to beef with you over some dumb shit that you have

That is nothing to do with you. No, it's it's you know, listen, man. I I uh I grew up really weird like I saw a lot of shit But I also had my stepfather was by the book and he hated going out Like he was a killer that hated going out I used to tell me all the reason when you got older don't go out at night And it's so weird till like today's in today's society. I'm scared to go out at night Dude, I was scared then too, right? I'm scared to go like my friends would be like, yo, let's go out And then I'd be like, all right, but then like we get there and I always had this pit in my stomach

Like I can never enjoy myself because I always knew somebody was going to do something fucking stupid Or somebody was going to come to me like or somebody else was going to do something Nothing good. I always say nothing good happens at two in the fucking morning And and here's the problem with like Italians latinos like it's all the club guys, you know Any guy that wears like a sweatsuit with matching sneakers and like think that's a fucking outfit to go out in These are the type of guys that after the club closes, they can't go home. Hey, what should we do? Let's hang out in the fucking parking lot

Then you're in a parking lot till like four in the morning You're at 3 30 or whatever the club closes new york's even because nothing closes Then you go eat then you go eat and then and now you and in your chances keep increasing of something happening The longer you stay out and the bigger the group And fuck man, they're but I still went out like a dick And I was always anybody ever tells you that they weren't afraid of that shit Oh, I don't know because there's maybe I had one friend. I think just loved it. But uh, uh, is lying

It's they're lying. Well grown up in jersey what I remember was I had friends I don't talk to them anymore, but I had a there was a group of guys that I grew up with that There were acquaintances And these motherfuckers I swear to god they lifted weights They did steroids They worked 60 hours a week on steel. They did something heavy But their main goal on fridays and saturdays was to beat the fuck out of door people That was there some guys box and they're 34 and one and some guys become world champions

Some people come in may fighters. This crew of guys Went out and that thing on monday morning was dog. We went to that club in the ashbury We took out the whole fucking security system and you're like, what the fuck? Let me ask you this when you were clubbing uh, was dancing's around in palisades park I think or chicago's in low tide you ever go there you ever go to uh, let's see other joey's and clifton I'ma tell you what happened and you're gonna or you you were bridging tunnel. You were always in the city I was I left in 82. Oh, okay So

The clubs I remember going to like there was a club that opened in my neighborhood in fair view That was the biggest quark quintessence And I refused to go Like this day people like I saw you in quintesson. No, you didn't I never went there. I fucking had my pride Like I was one of those guys. I didn't want to go to all those fucked up. I went to The hole in the wall. That was where I seen twisted sister and all those banjovi and people like that I used to go and there were rock clubs in jersey. Yeah, this is where I went. I used to go to like, uh The soap factory in fort lee. I saw that soap factory

Yeah, and that's where I saw those guys took out a staff of door guys in there with a bat one night Oh, they went up there because they went up there during the week alone The doorman fought them and they devised a plan They're gonna start a fight outside with the doorman when the doorman all came out They're gonna hit them with bats. They did that as they were coming out There was one guy just clocking them in the fucking rip clock clock that were going down And I was a city guy. I remember I caught 81 82 83 84 the rooftop the rooftop. Yeah, that was famous. Did you go to the latin quarters?

Don't you know it was a man and it was like all the hip-hop used to be there I remember hearing it hearing it on the radio as a kid at the lq At the lq. I probably left by then area The church. Yeah. Oh, that was limelight limelight Palladium Palladium. No. No. No was Webster Hall Palladium when I was growing up was a concert hall. I saw Judas Priest there. I saw James Brown there. I saw

U2 there. I saw Defleppid there. I saw, you know, Judas Priest would go to the palladium five nights in a row Monday through Friday I saw acdc there With brian johnson when you know, I saw a lot of bands there and then they turned into club mtv in 1985 Oh, and that was the beginning of the end of new york once they turned the palladium into Club mtv It was all what was the rocks He had a buddy of mine that used to tell stories

He'd go to the rocksy and just to snatch chains and and and then I hear it in the biggie small song When he's like, yeah, we used to go to snatch and change at the rocksy Whatever they were at and I used to laugh because there is this kid that I went that that like was much older that used to I met him in florida. I don't want to say his name, but he uh, uh, he told me yeah kid I used to go to rocksy and snatch chains I remember like, ah, yeah, I remember like those big thick ass fucking rope chains and stuff I'm like, all right, and then I heard biggie sing about it. And I'm like, all right Maybe maybe he did maybe he did it with biggie because the book out right now about the new york scene

In the late 70s early 80s. Jerry Rocha gave it to me But I lent it to felipe and I can't remember the book if you get it. I'll get the name from felipe. It's amazing You know and those nights you had five burrows And every burrow had fucking music somebody was at the bar, you know, you know, and when I was a kid Like we went to see jam on it. We'll nucleus. I want to see them for 15 bucks with prince and sheila. He Sheila he was dope may or june of 84 when the movie first came out. See all that Judas Priest stuff I don't know this is where I'm at right now. No, no, no, that's like all my cousin my cousin used to Fuck man. That's how I got all into this stuff, man

So I would go to a rock club during the week Like I listened to black Sabbath. I listened to like zeppelin But once the weekend came those idiots that fuck disco dog We're gonna listen to rock and they would sit there and do you mean the last party studio 54 disco in the culture of the night? Is that it? What's that the last party? Is it the name of the book? Uh, I don't know. No, no, no, that's not it. I think it's like new york's something. I'm not worried. You know what song was last night I could tell you in the mix. I can do it in the mix

Well, if you get it on the double in the mix in the mix in the mix, but I also uh To me like the best music I heard like the best dance music like was from 81 To when I left in 85 to me. Those are great years for me, you know, because I was a kid and I went out and I You know like the song I've heard it 10 times in the last three days And it was my fucking song like I would cry when I heard that shit in the summer 82 Don't you want me, baby by the you know, yeah I was working as a waitress all that shit was when I was going I remember going to a club

I don't remember the name of it was but it was three floors and One of the ways you get down was through a sweat a seat a Slide a slide I'll tell you how to get down So like the top the bottom floor was a bar and the medium floor was like I forget what the design was but the third floor had the design of like an island Like you were in an island and I remember that my buddy took a quailude I remember I'll never forget this. It was the summer of 82 and we would go out dressed

But you could wear sneakers in those days. We would wear white sneakers Nikes, not nice Oh By the way ponies Was Jim McMahon, I think and if I'm not mistaken, I think Walter Peyton did ponies No, Tony Dorsett had ponies Walter Peyton had ruse The fucking moment the zipper ponies were the shit ponies. You always the war V the big-ass V white on white black on white Adidas and you were allowed to clubs

I gotta do this on to my Brand new shillies. We don't fuck around here. That's how old school we are I don't fuck around. I love my Adidas. I'm old school like a motherfucker But I'll never forget we were on the third floor and we're looking for him. Where's rago was ready? I don't know. We go upstairs And when he would lock into a check he would lock into a check like well I'm waiting for this chick to stop dancing with this fucking guy, you know He was one of those guys he cut in

And while waiting for the check you passed on the tree Like a fucking palm tree like a fake palm tree. I don't forget. He started hugging it All right, so we come over like at 3 30 like rago. Come on. We got to go. We got to go He's like where come get give me 10 minutes finally we took him and he ripped the tree up with him He walked like five fucking steps with the tree and the root hanging out like the rubber roots and shit The the door staff had to come over and shake them down. You know cocaine was huge then and you could do cocaine at the tables Really? You could do cocaine at the tables. You go to studio 54 like I don't know that's why that table in the fucking comedy story You ever go back to you could see you could see all the all the lines

All the all the razor lines It was a different time guys like I never went to studio on a friday or saturday They wouldn't ever let me in my friend knew the bartender or something on thursdays So in 81 we would go over there in high school and right after high school We would shoot over there and it was just amazing on thursday night So we would see but everybody was in the woman's bathroom That's where you hung up because there were stalls But the woman's bathroom was the size of the comedy store original. Yeah

Chicks always got the fucking you know the couches and shit the mirrors in the back with the lights. That's what they had They got everything So people would be back there doing fucking blow. I'm never being at the studio 54 one night jacked up Gacked up where you can't fucking talk like jargon jargon And I had not one dime on me Not one dime like I spent my last money I lost my friend

Like I went there with somebody who had dough and we had dough and I had a bag of blow So he was buying drinks and it was my blow. I lost him. I'm dying a fucking thirst. There was no water They didn't sell fucking water and give you your shit back then there was no water So your mouth is dry and all of a sudden my buddy gets to me and I go bro where you been You got any money? He goes dog. I got enough money to get home I go Jesus. We don't have a drink. I'm looking down. There was a hundred dollar bill on the floor It was like god fucking sent a hundred I'm glad you're doing blow here. Take care. Take care of this god's looking at and it was and you're right

We would go outside hang out by the car for a while And then either we eat on the blow because in that day in those days the blow wasn't speedy You could eat we go to a greek diner and get a cheeseburger deluxe With french fries and mozzarella on the fries with a little fucking gravy like the gravy fries the disco fries, you know Big wings got those do they really delicious. I know the diner's in la. I mean in new jersey, so they still Tick-tock if you had to tick-tock and clifton Oh, if you go for one, let me taste and there's nothing like a jersey diner because everything is delicious Yeah, and then people tell you the taylor ham is you are the taylor ham and egg on a fucking kaiser roll

Are you rutsut? You have to eat at rutsut the hot dogs at rutsut and clifton. They're like you have to get them split Seven hot dogs for a uh, no, they fry them and they split you can look them up. They're great I see i'm a hanks frank's type of motherfucker Off a root for we had a we had a hot dog truck in third ward park That was our family's like it was my stepfather had this truck And um, I would get we had to subred hot dogs and then when we were kids The remember when they read the the statue of liberty and they invited our truck

They said look you we keep my my you know, he got a spot But back in those days you had to fucking kick up to everybody and he said it's not going to be worth it to go there But uh, our hot dogs would have shit, man I love good. Oh god, dude. There's and that's what's great about the internet Like I can order subred hot dogs to my house. Do you got them to your house? Yeah, I'll tell you what I do, man The company's in jersey, correct? The company yeah, well, I don't know where I got to check where they ship them from because I mean there's a warehouse in jersey I know right it's a warehouse, but you can get subreds anyway

You can look them up where you get them you can just order a whole case I know but what do you get that you get the dogs the buns and you get the I just get the duck just the dogs I do my own onions. They got the onions. Yeah, I just down the fucking jersey shore There was a place that would do spicy chili, right in seaside park. Jesus fucking christ Jesus that good or that painful after or both That good when it's that good. I don't give a fuck what happens. Yeah. It's like dating a stripper. You're like fucking I don't care. It's a lot of fun while it's going on I'm gonna eat her ass

I know there's been a thousand dicks in here The consequences I'll fucking deal with later. I'll fucking put listerine in my mouth and light it on fire Like a fucking my mouth to be like a poo poo plat. I like those fucking things in the middle of a poop Why don't give a fuck remember to jade uh, that was jade fountain. Yeah Was it Yes, let me tell you something you used to eat there all the fucking dog the fucking jade fountain Lynn hers was the only chinese restaurant in the buffet. They gave you shrimp and lobster sauce On monday nights. That's the first place. I ever went through with my goombas and we wore out the carpet

Like we wore out the carpet from the table back and forth There was a restaurant that get that had all you could eat lobsters back then and I can't think of the name I might have to text my mom, but then you glue in the dark for fucking four days Like you know to turn the lights off and see your your girlfriend can read a book with you in the fucking room with the lights up There were so many places, you know Uh, I don't know. That's why I like doing the road though, man. You get to check you like that when I go on a road I'm not a big party of man. I like to fucking two more

So We're talking food Let me tell you something I'm gonna tell you people When I first moved to highway I'm gonna forget my first agent And I don't forget her saying to me that I needed a bio And she goes you want me to help you right? I'm going yeah, and I met her for lunch And I remember saying I'm from north bergain, new jersey and her going

I'll never forget her going You're not gonna put new jersey on Really? And I go one night she goes What's the jersey ever to offer bon jelvi? So bitch, where the fuck you want me to tell you I'm from there Sinatra and somebody else in springsteen She goes but besides that and jimmy razzelli. Don't forget jimmy razzelli out of hoboken It's jimmy put away the fucking car

He would sell Albums from his trunk put away the thing you're embarrassing this here take 20 dollars I don't even want the fucking albums just close the trunk and go home. We did jimmy so uh And she told me this and I remember I went home and I was like I don't understand what the problem is with people in jersey With jersey hat like this reputation. I gotta tell you some guys You know, I grew up when I came from cuba. I went to new york city and I had connections in new york city I went there years after I lived in jersey

I don't know what I would do without my childhood in jersey. I had such a good time growing up I had such a good time at a bad time. Uh-huh My mother died when I was a sophomore in high school, bro Yeah, I know So those three years Were I wouldn't even think about my mother so I was walking home at night from after like everything ended the whole day Because my friends were that fucking good to me Like I had that much fun. There's a lot a lot a lot of distraction

And for distraction a lot a lot of shit to get I sit here sometimes and I go the pain. I was fucking in at that time The pain that I was in And how much I laugh you don't realize that shit as a kid man like for me. I know I lost my pops When I was like 10 or 11 and um And as a kid you You know, you don't know how to fucking you don't know how to filter it You know what I mean? And and I look back now Like looking at all the shit I got into especially like like fifth grade. I was always getting suspended

And I'm like dude. I'm fucking acting out But they they didn't know anything about really there was no real psychiatrist back like nobody to talk to You know what I mean? So you start running around for now. It's not a gunshot. It's fireworks. Okay You farted. I thought it was I was just looking at me like damn That must be fucking protein shakes or something. No, but like, you know, you don't so I would that's why I love getting in trouble As a kid, man. I was always I was a bad little kid, man. I was I stole a car in middle school Fucking, uh, rob the book fair. Remember the book fair fifth grade

Where they burn all the books in school I volunteered to help and shit. Uh, me and my little brother would like dress up as boy scouts collect money That was a fucking strong thing That was real strong because like here's how my thought process works Where we see two the the kids in front of the of the grocery store and they're just throwing fucking money at them, right? And and my thought process is how the fuck do they know they're boy scouts? They don't right? How the fuck do they really know? You don't check a boy scouts credentials Right, so there's this fat kid shameless

Uh He was like cartman, you know from south park where his mom just gave him everything right everything So, uh, he was in boy. He had a boy scout outfit. So, you know, we took it from me my little brother I put the I put the shirt on my brother put the hat on took a jar and just fucking cleaned the house Took the money and went to go see octopussy for with roger more What did you say it was for like, uh, like the 14th annual Boy Scout picnic something stupid The only reason why we got caught is because uh, one of my mom's friends saw us and like, I mean we set up everywhere

We went door to door Saw us at the grocery store I said, I didn't know your kids were the boys because my mom was like, they're not, you know, and we know we were fucked That's the worst CYL tickets They used to the catholic youth. Yeah, I played catholic youth league. So they would give you 20 stickers At the beginning of the season, you had a south come back with 20 dollars You're knocking on people's doors. They said I support the catholic youth organization

We found out where they kept those fucking things And you say you that's what you broke into all those things and we sold them ourselves and kept the fucking dollar bills I made a fortune on those fucking things. I used to steal papers out of the machines And sell papers by the bus station We were kids man I didn't fuck around and I had money at the house, but the kids I hung out with Like I lived on 88th street. My mom had money, but the kids I hung out with the 140th she didn't have money Those kids taught me and they took care of business first. Like why are we they had a shakedown at 12 and 11

They shook down business owners. They would go to business owners and go. Hi. My name is brands You know, we're looking for a summer job when we come here sweep and take your garbage out for a dollar a day And people would say no, they break their fucking windows They break their fucking windows these little Puerto Rican kids. This is daniel brothers and the fucking irish And these kids were fucking serious about their fucking hustle. They hustled in the daytime. They unloaded trucks But if you didn't fucking pay them, they'd fucking break your balls Me and my little brother would hustle like that. We but we didn't ever broke but like we actually had a job I went to this guy in a gas station when I was like eight and said, hey man, can I crush boxes?

We didn't have money no money at all I mean that my mom remarried later on and you know, my stepfather was a fucking gentleman He took care of us. But you know, we ended up They ended up going their ways, you know, but then staying back together was a whole bunch of shit going on with them But you know, that was my guy. I mean later on I don't want to but when we were kids There was no there was nothing so my mom, you know, she was working two jobs and this is even before we moved up to jersey And back up there and me and my little brother always always find a ways man because you know, we

We take shit. Fuck it You know, but when I took the car, I stole the car in jersey I was just riding shotgun though. I had this one friend You ever had that one friend growing up? You just know was gonna go fucking go to jail Like this one kid that like, you know, that friend. He's like always outside and shit like it's like a Wednesday Morning and this motherfucker is just, you know outside he has no and he just this kid was fucking horrible There was four of us. I don't know. I don't want to say names Uh, but there was four of us me, uh, my buddy Al when you say Al I'll say his first name

I just saw the kid matt and steve And uh, matt and steve they both ended up going to prison. They're still there from what I hear I think one of them got out But there's a famous story in forsake that all if they're if anybody here's listening, you'll know it Uh, where this fucking kid stolen ambulance Where the ambulance pulled up? We were all at the quick check on it's still there on main avenue across from friendlies This fucking kid pulled up Got out the ambulance driver got out left the keys in right this kid fucking jumped in and just took off

With the fucking ambulance. It's the greatest thing you've ever seen How old were you 12? Oh my god, then we had this thing called mickey music This is a great thing too because what he was saying like there's so much shit that would just happen And we were on main avenue and mickey music was all the way down and we're all hanging out because uh We bought uh herbie handcocks rocket remember that song And then I bought um Run dmc uh tougher than leather. I believe you know, um, what's the one with i'm the king king of rock Duh, right?

So we bought the king of rock album and we were all hanging out and this dude Fucking gets nailed by a car, right fucking nails them. We were all like, oh shit Right, the guy gets out. He's like, I'm sorry Dude's leg is mangled, right? He gets up and just fucking pieces the guy that just Boom it just hits the motherfucker We were like, yeah Everybody was cheering. He's trying to fuck them up

The dude that hit him starts fucking the guy up with the broken leg man after he's on the ground He's he guy ain't going away and it just fucking You know the narrow kicking them is what does Simone say? Doing the the the the the narrow windmill, right? Just stomping them out man. We were fucking It was crazy and then the cops come everything and then everything and then the thing you're just sitting there going All right, what do we do next? We used to see shit like that all the time man it's uh

It's really a crazy life and and like I said, I had no regrets about growing up in jersey You know all that shit and you cannot Explain to people like I for years. I would be very embarrassed about my stories I when I first moved to aspen 83 Like I met people and I would go to parties and they would tell me their stories about minneapolis where they grew up and I would go And I would just like throw little things out and watch them crumble Crumble and this is the 80s Why do you think that is though?

Like see I I tell people stuff too because south florida was fucked up too. Yeah, like my wife, you know Well, I mean again, she's a girl, but like she doesn't know even her friends like she's like I don't know anybody that went to jail And you've got there was you know two of my fucking Grooms men, you know, and then there was guys that that one of my best friends just got out She's and you know, and she's like, I don't know anybody And and you start to wonder and then sebastian doesn't know it like there's so many people that don't Have this shit like why do you think that it do you think it's because so many people just concentrated in one area that it's so fucked up

Or do you think because like or do you think it's like you know what I mean? Because people really don't have these fucking stories. I don't know. I first started dating my girlfriend my wife This is like the six months I came home one night and she just broke down terry terry just broke down one night. She goes, I don't even know if you could still live here She goes, this is I've never had I've never met a person with this life Like she goes the phone rings at three in the morning and it's amputates clay Yeah, it's malin martinez. You know You have friends that call you they send you money

You call them cocksuckers on the phone You know malin would call the house and answer rest in peace rest in peace and she'd go cocksucker and my wife would go What the fuck have you done? What you know Who are these people like and then my friends came to visit me one second friends and and we all went out to lunch And they were sitting there telling stories and I could see my wife turning pale And then later when she goes, how the fuck did you guys? Yeah, it's it's but I'll be honest with you man

I You want that's the type of woman. I mean at least for me I liked the idea that my wife wasn't exposed any of that. Yeah, me too. No. No. No, I don't mean to I mean No, I know you. I'm just I'm just yeah Oh, shit. You guys have been around for together forever 14 years. Yes. I know and it's like I remember when you met It's the weirdest thing that uh Like I won't even take out a jersey with me Now all your friends still around or what? Yeah, yeah, nobody none of them dead. None of them locked up still

One good two good good good friends died One guy just I just told Lee I wrote a letter to a friend of mine in the federal pen Really? Yeah, I just told you did that wrote a letter to a friend of mine in jail No, you didn't tell me jackie kennel. He just went to jail about three months. He's right. What up kid? I know shit is rough doing your bed. He's in louis. Oh, it's fed, right? He's a fed That's fat and as I was writing the letter. I actually sat down and said I'm writing somebody a letter in prison

Because and I haven't spoken to jackie in a while, but it doesn't matter. I was in prison. I knew how I felt when I got a letter That letter's gonna brighten his fucking day Dude, I just sent my buddy's father fucking uh four books. You gotta send him through amazon like you can't just mail You can't mail him. You gotta send him via direct. So I can't touch him. Yeah, I can't even send the money I gotta send money to his wife And his wife has to put in a special account Like in the old days I could send the money or you could send him cash and shit So, well, if well, yeah, the money like if he says to me like I wrote him in the letter

Do you need anything? Let me know So if he needs a book or something I have his address now And I just mail stuff to his if he needs a tv or something. I can mail him a tv I just know how important this is mail him a letter. Let me ask you this. I didn't know because my uh My buddy's in in in the brooklyn fucking over there. Yeah over there, but uh They are you allowed to send because I didn't I just sent all paperback, but you can't send hardcovers, right? Or I don't I don't they give you a sheet and like when the person when you write the letter and go listen lee

If you need anything bro, anything just let me know 50 bucks 100 bucks I don't want you to be in there without cash on your books You always want to have cash on your books, you know um But sometimes like, you know what man? I really need a cable box A remote control whatever because they have a tv inside or something They have to send it from the distributor So I can't just buy for them at walmart and send it to them, right?

So I don't know every place every state. Well, I just meant the fact that they have a hardcover book that that could be a Fucking weapon because I had another friend of mine that uh, I was I mean, this was this was, you know, one of my best friends and And this motherfucker got nothing Anything I sent nothing they didn't they hated him there Like I guess the warden was being a dick. He's out now We call him the worst because he's like the worst guy you've ever met in your life And uh, uh, isn't that a great nickname? The worst is amazing. If you listen worst, I'll tell I'll tell him to tell

He'll love this shit. Um, but uh, uh, he got nothing none of my letters nothing They just fucking gave him nothing that not even when he left I would I sent him a letter with one word like as a joke just to make him laugh, you know So it's it's an inside joke never got that shit. I don't know what the fuck man He was up in uh up in georgia It's amazing that People end up like I have a friend mike done mike denny who I love growing up And he was a friend of mine good enough after I left north prairie. I never kept in touch with him

He's doing time for killing his wife in north carolina like shit like that, you know Uh, you know, I'm not here to judge nobody if I had his address. I would write him a letter also I mean I had a lot of good times when one took a couple irismith concerts and I Yeah, I went to see irismith a few times. Dude, that's the weird part too, man is like, I don't know We used to but uh, yeah, it's like you think of them back then and It's just a different person sometimes, you know, I had a friend rose hortado But when I was 15, I knew he was going to jail. Yeah, that's the kid. I'm talking like one friend

You just know I had a friend in the eighth grade charlie gizzy every time a plane went by He got up and had a fake machine on the shoot the plane down In the middle of class or whatever teacher was teacher Whatever the kids got fucking problems as soon as he'd see a jet he'd get up on the fucking thing go And the teacher would go mr. Gizzy are we interrupting you and you and you're taking down a mig You know what I'm saying? Like it was always something hysterical He ended up killing fucking uh him and his brother beat somebody a debt on five corners You know, it doesn't surprise you. I I'm sure that

When you looked at me and I was 15, you didn't think I was gonna end up in prison But when you saw me at 18 once you saw me at 18 you're like His days are fucking all right. Here's a good question for you when you became a comic Did everybody know they were like, well, fuck. Yeah, we know we knew you'd be able to do it Or were there people that were like because I I know that in my group of friends that they they were like They were always like we knew you'd do stand up But people that knew me but didn't know me were like that guy does fucking stand up You know what I mean? Like were people shocked that you got into this business?

Um Like my my closest friends just laughed at me like they just thought I was crazy But but you knew you you knew I didn't know when I was growing up not at all. I didn't know I didn't know for sure till 1987 Right before I got arrested now by the way when I when I say a kid, I'm still saying under 21 No, I had no idea. No idea. Right. No, okay Up to up to the age of 25. I was gonna be a professional thief

Right, like James on the movie thief. Yeah, that's it. I was gonna learn how to circumvent alarms and what the wire room and Police scanners and insurance scams. I was gonna do all that's what my life ambition was to do If I needed to fucking bury I'd bury you too. I didn't give a fuck and then It's the weirdest thing because I didn't think about this So I was writing I'm trying to write a book and and about three months before I got arrested that I committed to crime Was when a guy I sold cars would pull me aside when he goes I don't mind this guy didn't say shit and he was white

Like he was a white dude. Like, you know a guy that had nothing to say to me and I ever had nothing to say to him And like a month like a white white guy like a white like the italian satia medagons. Yeah, like this guy Yeah, he fucked with a sheet with a hole in it him He wasn't acidic or what don't do it. Would you yeah, that's what he had a he would wear a shirt with a Pocket thing pocket protector pocket protector. He fucked with a shit. No, he was he always got into arguments with the other salesmen So I never really said nothing. Don't you know, he was very by the book. He was very american He was very but just a little bit of everything. So he was just a little bit. He came to you for came to one day outside And he goes, I talked to you for a second

I was like, oh here we go and he goes. Hey, man. I don't know if you know what I did Before I sold cars. I'm like, I don't know what you did. He goes. I was the entertainment director at Baba in vegas for 18 years He goes my son passed and I had to move back and all this He goes, I don't know if you know this You should be a comedian and I'm looking at this guy like

What the fuck are you talking about? Get the fuck right? I got a grandma blowing my pocket walking me like those guys on tv He goes, you could do it. I've seen you out here. He goes if you like I can make a few calls for you And I was like, all right, man, I'll think about it. I'm like, is this guy fucking put me on But it stayed in your head. You kept thinking about it. No, no, I was like this fucking guys were taught it And then somebody else said something to me And that was it and then I got locked up when I got locked up On thursday nights, they would uh have movie night one of those nights, too They wins they

Monday twos they went they went there's they twos they Uh, and it was uh, you know, this place probably had 120 convicts, you know, uh, let's say 35 white dudes 20 mexicans and no the rest were hardcore black motherfuckers, right? I ain't like just black motherfuckers with afro pics in the head and the names were graveyard Now in prison, did you go with the did you go with the uh, white guys the latino guys? I slid right through Yeah, because I'm saying I hooked up with this gangster that was in there for uh Extortion a big fat italian dude. Yeah, he was from brooklyn

But he got caught doing something then really on a trip and he was stuck there So he ran a pool a gambling pool in the prison on monday nights and during the season and he couldn't fucking do He didn't make much money. He only did some italians some people from these coasts and some white dudes And I would go over there and put bets in one day. I go, bro. What the he got? No, I can't do it because I don't have a full card Like what do you mean? I have a fucking full card. It's a dollar Give me that fucking card And I went out and I started throwing it to the blacks again because the blacks stay amongst themselves Yeah, that's the mexicans stay amongst themselves

So I sold the card and he goes can you sell another card tomorrow night? I go braga sell 10 of these this is what This is what I do I could get a dollar on anybody. He's worried about the the the books being even even even because on the pool Yeah on the pool you have those boxes Yeah, unless all the boxes are filled you can't have a pool So he would get out of 20 boxes. He'd get 14 filled. So I had to get my dollar back. I couldn't enjoy the monday night football You know, that's all you know, are you gamble to watch the game? So you could yell and go those people that go to big wings and yell for no reason

I got no time to talk to them. But I got my oh for no reason. Yeah, I'm yell I got money on the game. I got money on the game. I throw tables That's when it's fun. I don't want to watch a game just for the sake of watching a fucking game I'm gonna give a fuck but I put a hundred dollars in the game. I'm watching that game commercials I won't fucking watch. I don't miss a fucking thing I totally I don't have time for games, but I bet 20 hours on a fight or something I watch that motherfucker because now I have an emotional You gotta you know, that's why people when they watch a super bowl like yeah, you gotta throw something on the game

You gotta throw something on the game, but my wife, you know, I'm screaming at the tv, you know, like she's like it's just a game I'm like, yeah That's what you think You have no idea. You know the way like sometimes you go off, right? Like sometimes even Lee goes off, but he doesn't know like sometimes I'll break his balls in the car Lee eat the fucking other bowl. Yeah. Yeah, I woke up at six. You know, that little thing is funny when people throw What's it called the rant of anger? It's very funny So I used to work the kitchen

And the black guys would come through and go cuba. What's up? What's up with them ribs? Can I get an extra one? No, you can't get a fucking that, you know, and I would tell them the two What the fuck do you think this is? The fucking thing that you would think I got an extra one because I don't even fucking get an extra one Leave me the fuck alone guy. You know, I love your black power And they would die of laughter They would die fucking cuba's the shit god damn, you know, I tell them shit go Get the fuck you ain't get no extra piece of chicken, bitch

Get the fuck out of here. You want a piece of chicken? Yeah, how you gonna hook me up? Go find me the second earth winning fire album And they would look at me and die a fucking laughter you motherfucker And they you know, I can't get that in here. You want some chicken tonight? You don't have to come up with the second arm. Can I love our torture? You know and one day we would watch those stupid fucking movies on thursday nights Stupid whatever like disney borderline like pt 109 and shit and the fucking projector would always break Like in the fucking classroom

Yeah, yeah, and after the third time I went off one night I'm like you motherfuckers writing the fucking there. I'm like you motherfuckers. You got money for this You I don't even know what I said, but you ain't got money for a fucking projector Why don't we all chip in a doll and get a fucking projector and I went off and they're like, oh Shit and the black guys started laughing. So now every time the projector broke the black guys will start yelling cuba You Get up on the table and they give me five minutes until they glued back the fucking And I would go off on the black guys I go off on the man

Look at this fucking half a junkie looking for a cotton ball because you know Junkies when they shoot whatever they have a lid like a lid and then they have the water and then they have a cotton ball And what you do is you put the needle in the cotton ball and you suck it out. So it doesn't pick up on anything I don't know exactly. Okay that thing But some of those junkies sell the cotton ball Like that's how low in your life you get like I got the cotton ball and they're like talking about the shoe What's left in the cotton ball? You know what I'm saying? So I would make fun of them for the cotton ball just dumb shit and and uh one day I used to go to his library and there was this dude that was five foot six

He always wore a hat with glasses. He was the librarian. He would roll his own cigarettes and he would say who gots Who gots So he's Italian. No, he was a white dude from Buffalo And I asked him I go, what's up with that dude? He don't talk and he goes listen When people don't talk they don't want to get talked to either Leave him alone as a matter of fact, he killed his wife and a boy from the double homicide with a knife or something So I kept going to the library and just getting the paper But he would watch the movie see it be there movie night and one night this guy's like, hey man

He gave me a notebook And he goes, uh, when you get out of here, you should really try comedy He goes, but I got you this is a presence. You could write your jokes and I go What jokes? And he goes, so you mean on thursdays you go up there with no material I don't even know material is I didn't know nothing right. I didn't know nothing brad. He was filling me in like it material is what you say on stage

You didn't know that and I go no He goes when you get out of here, you better fucking do this one. I'm gonna break out and shoot you I forgot the guy's name. You know, I don't know the guy's name is Naya. I should write him a letter and send him 10 bucks Get me into it. But that was my experience when I got locked up, you know It was pretty interesting. Anybody wants the transformers is out this week. Yeah Well, they've been interviewed marky warburg. I don't know if you know marky warburg went to jail Yeah, he went to julie He went to julie for knocking somebody's eyeball out of the head in boston and southy or somewhere in boston

And they locked them up for six months and you know People think that when you get locked up you I thought I was done I thought I was done. I thought that My life was done because I was just gonna go in and become a better criminal Which I did in many ways You know, you you're learning to him, but you're not done. It's up to you and he wasn't done He sure as fuck said they asked him they go when did you realize it goes as soon as you hear that fucking door lock You know that he goes I wanted to come on make my mom proud

And I was the same thing with me. I let my friends down. I had no family. I let my friends down I had to do something To I had to do something. I didn't know I was gonna do this. I didn't know I was gonna move out the la But I wanted to do something for the ones that backed me all those years for the ones that did send me the 10 bucks I was in jail. You felt like you disappointed. I disappointed them, bro You don't know what going to jail, you know, people always say if you have a heartbeat people always think going to jail Is you're gonna get fucked in the ass and Yeah, and black people talk all night and you know, it's hysterical and you laugh

I laugh a lot when I went away But it's the people that come visit you like if lee had to come visit me in jail Just me looking at his fucking face just because I know lee and I know what the fuck he's thinking I would feel bad after lee left Because I know lee lee's gonna feel bad for a week But you but you but you would feel bad if you're like does not gonna feel bad. There's nothing to feel bad But I'm kicking ass and I'm giggling. I'm selling fucking lottery tickets, but I know lee and I know how much lee likes me I know he would go home and tell his girlfriend fuck

You know, I think I should borrow money to get joey out like that's how much Your friends to get disappointed. I could do the time. I could still do the time But I would let so many fucking people down So it's amazing that you because you're a very sweet guy But you understand that we're awry Is a very sweet guy, but he also had a relative at the time. That's why ari and me are such good friends Why was on trial man? And yeah, that's where I I I mean people laugh and they they always say, uh How come how come you believe in god or how do you know?

I don't know I believe in god, but I'll but I always say I know the devil exists So if that motherfucker is there Then god's got to be there You understand what I mean because I remember sitting on trial I did something stupid like I I kicked this kid in the head when I was younger when he was handcuffed and then uh Like the state was pressing pressing forward and long story boring. I'm I'm sitting there and I'm just thinking what the fuck man What am I doing?

You know like what am I doing? But it was a letter I got from a kid named Jose Cosme from the Bronx that I played ball what what happened was there was another friend of mine that uh I remember we were out one night and he called me over and he and he just told me he goes You're so much you're so much better than this Like you know what I mean and I'm like what do you mean and he was a tough he was a street tough street guy He says you're better than all this shit, man. You you should go do something man. You don't belong here You know he goes you just you just don't and you don't fit in with us and he goes uh, and you ever have that one guy that you just

I don't know about your friends But there's always that one dude that nobody expects to be the deepest motherfucker to talk to You know that one guy you just connect with where you'll be up till six in the morning Talking about life and all this other stuff. So When my friends had opened that club in Atlanta And my I played my first year I played division two football and I wanted to play again I got it just didn't work out at that school and ended up getting thrown out and then um

I got back in but then I tried to go to florida state and I couldn't get in so I was in tallahassee for a while And then when I came back down to south florida's when I got in trouble So I couldn't stay there and then I was on trial and I thought I was going away for just a year You know Just a year. Well, it was county. It was just it was just county But I'm saying like even then you're like fuck but I mean I wouldn't even let my mom they wouldn't let me plead out, man They I had a mistrial that I was able to plead no contest the next time But I just remember sitting there going god. I'm fucking wasting everything

So I had to get a job. I couldn't leave. You know what I mean? Because I was on probation and then um Long story boring. I'm working at this club and they were about to move up to atlanta and open this club And they're like, you know, I might be able to go with them whatever And this kid walked in that I was friends with a long time ago and he says y'all He's like you ain't playing football no more. He saw me at the front. I'm like nah, man He's like I can get you on on my team So then that's when I was like then my the kid that my friend ended up telling me He's like, you know, you should go and you should go better yourself. So I left that world

Right, but he always told me, you know So anyways, I played two and a half years up at long island university a cw post I graduate and now this just Puerto Rican kid was like, dude, you should he used to cut my hair with the clippers You know, because I got that that uh, you know that that nappy fucking guinea hair Sicilian fucking So uh, and then I get the lettuce and and he used to tell me that so then I come home Trying to figure out what I'm gonna do get this letter And and it's from him

And he's like, yo, I just passed a comedy club man And I was thinking about doing stand-up and then that that kind of put me over and I went to an open mic and then Where was this in Florida? Miami. Yeah. So you started the Miami improv No, I started at this place called comedy zone on uh, it was in south beach And then I used to work uncle funnies and funny and comedy corner and all that That's how I met Schubert, man. And I know mitch headberg Was had already let tosh was about to leave when I started So tosh was ahead of me. So tosh was about to move where tosh start

He was started in Orlando, but he was in Miami for a while He used to he used to host like this this public access show called tens But I knew him in the open mic scene down there, but he was like a big year 97 okay 98 Because I was I was going to Miami in 98 And I went to the improv first. I went to uncle funnies in 97 Dorfman's room Dorfman's room with jim florentine And me co had line one nine and the next night I did it with marsha warfield

The black lady. Yeah, of course. She was from night court. Yeah So I featured for her and that was a fucking nightmare. That was just too real for me Then a year later sarah and I started putting me in the improv But I remember when they opened the club in south beach That's right. They opened it lasted 90 days. It wasn't even that that it was maybe like a half a year But yeah, it wasn't dead that long. Yeah, it was that's the first place I got up That's amazing. Then you went to uncle funnies. Well, then what what put me over is that kid that told me That I should do something he ended up getting killed and I just remember I just remember him always giving me those pep talks

You know what I mean? I found out he got killed later on But that that he he always gave me those fucking pep talks like you're better than this, you know I ain't gonna say his name because you could google it um, and then uh Fuck man. So then that's you know, then I'm like, I want I want I want to change You know I'm saying and just do better and just moved out here and I have any I'll you might want to smack me in the face I haven't stolen a pack of gum since I was 24 or 25 like I haven't even

done anything since then but you know Just thought it was bad karma you know, it's funny because You asked me a really interesting question you pull this kid's picture out. I'm gonna fucking shit right now You asked me a really interesting question about uh People, you know, like when you first told your crazy friends. Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you drive me into the city?

You know, they go for what and I go don't say nothing. I'm doing stand up. That's good And then someone tell me a joke, you know, and you didn't really have a joke or whatever and the guy that Was most excited. I remember me going to him one day and going hey dog Give me a ride fishing and he was like fucking this guy was The real deal when he died he was on he was going to go on trial for attempted murder for $60 Because he gave the guy $60. This was one of my best friends And he and he fought and the guy fucking robber I fucked him and he goes I was gonna kill him

And everybody was like it was over 60 bucks and he kept saying it wasn't the $60 It was the principal man And that same guy tried to rob me a couple years earlier with the same scam give me the money Is this in new york or in them in jersey jersey jersey and look at this fucking guy I mean as soon as you see him, you know, he's a fucking criminal He won that was when he took mr. Second in new jersey for that weight division. I mean this guy I see him get hit with bottles. I seen him fucking destroy people. I mean this guy was hilarious And I was and it was darren rago. Yeah, it's him all over my house because he's a guy that helped me get into it

I mean, I would call him I used to sell cars at night and to get home This is how broke I was to get home. I would go into the service base and steal change from all the cars And there was some nights that was there was no cars in there I would call him up at his house. He'd be with his wife. He had to be at work at six And I tell him I got no money. I got to be at stand-up new york at 10 15 Sit right there And he fucking picked me up take me to stand up new york one time He took me to carolines for an open mic talent contest and when the talent contest finished

They just had a regular talent contest and he could sign up this motherfucker signed up and took first place He did that's how funny He was so excited and it's and I still talk to his cousin till this day Him and his cousin are very tight and he'll always say to me, you know, darren was alive He'd probably be out here with me right now and he probably was smack 15 people He would have been a fuck he would have been doing time But he either would have been doing comedy or he would have been out here, you know And it's so funny that out of all the influences I had

He was I think of him all the time all the time this time. So I'm just driving. I'm thinking of something funny And I think of what would he say like shit like that like it's amazing the people Who took us through this journey and he was only he died in 99 He died when when my friend was killed he had just gotten out and um And he uh, that was I was already out here You understand so I had already but it was I don't know. It was what it was his talk and this letter

That made me do it, you know, and then uh, you know but uh You know a lot of fuck man The lot of the uh stories of comics have as far as when they get I don't think they had many They're like, well, I just did an open mic and But you know when it's funny because I was telling like my wife this too, man You know when when especially when things are taken away from you very young Your friends mean everything don't they like when you're grown. I mean for you at least I had a mom

I had brothers then I had a stepfather later on that that you know, I loved I do love the guy. I love them to death Um, but there was always so much things going on But your friends were always there, but I moved so fucking much Joey That I would make friends and leave make friends and leave and here's what I love about comedy Now I I've seen every fucking body. I grew up with that's still alive or you know, I was still around Me too they went when I'll go like I got friends and fucking in a lot I'm in anchorage, Alaska. Remember did you remember doing lucas gig out there with veto? Yeah

That was a fucking great place and then you know, I had a buddy that I knew from from high school there Or friends from middle school now every time I do jersey. I've I've seen all my best friends So you know what I mean? And that that's that's what I love about about going out and stuff But I get to see all those people, you know Can you get contact high off of that shit? No, this isn't he's sick. No that thing Vapor stuff. Maybe why you feel a little mellow right now. This is the the whole patois. Look at Lee He's nice. I'm almost he's nice and mellow. Look at him his face is red and shit I thought we're gonna do the music must be the music like some music for us. What do you want to hear put on?

All right, what do you want? I don't know. We detrain. I don't know. We had a train's fucking great Yeah, let's do a little detrain. Let's we should start talking music. Can I piss? Yeah, go piss give him a key and we'll get the we'll get this Hit it. Here we go cocksuckers. We're taking you back Little 1980 fucking three. You know what this song was great really quick. I know this is detrain, right? Oh, remember that song call me. Uh, no, it sounds like this it was uh, here's my number and it's done call me Anytime Call me when you as a matter of fact put that in call me

Oh Oh shit people midnight in some part of the country It's like 3 a.m. And fucking australia, but we're here the church of what's happening now Flavor the flying jewel bread. It's bringing it to you live by uh, who? Which call me you got not blondie not blondie. I have Uh, shine down. Let me look for older ones Call me No, I don't got it. You don't have a regular call me not from I have blondie, but he's not blondie

No, it's not blondie Call me 1982 this look for disco put call me 1982 disco hits it's on there But boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom and they have it and it looks like a Like it's a 45 Okay, let me look for If you look at that row to tell you Don't make me go over there and karate jumping in that calisa. Yeah

Fucking coming at you direct. Let me give you some shout outs real quick. Why is it? Oh, seroni Let's see. Try it on there. John. John wolf. Gee. I love you cocksucker. Michael tram. Well Dwayne satta white Tim Kessler, that's not it paint d painter d Uki spooky, I love you sexy bitch and david syand I'm gonna give you some shout outs because I love you cocksuckers and don't forget as always Our main motherfuckers over there on it making your life better

Whether it's I think there was a sale going on on all of What what's the milkshake? M4 M4's products 15% off till midnight. I seen joe had tweeted early on But anyway, you put it go to honnit for all your fucking needs, whether it's the alpha brain For the utropics, whether it's the motherfucking shroom tech, whether it's the strong bone, whether it's the digestive ease They have so many things going on that. I can't even talk about that. I can't even fathom So do me that favor go to honnit.com. See what's crack or lacking. They got ropes. They got fucking Kettle bells. They got find it from please because he can't find it

Is this it bill woofer right over there look for him for look for him because he can't find it Call me call me go to honnit.com go to joeydears.net go to yanna brocks and press church ch u r ch For anything from on it all the nutrients all the minerals. I can't get your 10% off Of the battle rogues so the kettle bells But everything else I could take care of you with pressing the code church church get 10% off get on the main one So they also have a program stay on it. They mail it right to your house on the first just like dollar shape club Let's listen to it. This is this is it was sky sky

Listen to this more You know how many fucking lines of blow I did to this? You know how many times I danced with a bitch and copped a tick field High school right here. This is 82 right here Listen to these black to the playing the drums fuck the guy from the roof Listen to this mother fucker what what what wash your pussy this one's that Talking to your bad friend what here we go Oh shit Things ain't working out with your girlfriend

What dudely now you're searching For someone new someone to hold your time Someone to treat your eye So your girlfriends A friend of mine is my number and a dime call me any time Call me what if you need someone to talk to uh call me satisfaction Guaranteed call me if you need someone to talk to uh call me hey joe call me

Shit Now do you like do you like see now see I went to because I went to so many schools I went to uh predominantly a lot of predominantly black schools like uh Shout out to bethune elementary by the way whenever school has like a name after like somebody or something to do with like the civil rights movement You know there's like Malcolm X Middle school my I went to bethune elementary uh lincoln number four Um that was these were these were kind of rough, you know rough school castle hill deepside lauderdale. What if you if you're listening? um

So I didn't hear any rock man It was all like like like planet rock africa search it for the perfect beat put in uh africa bambada Search it for the perfect beat when he goes beat this Well, you think that's why I didn't really get we're taking it deep tonight people and by the way and my mom and dad Well, my real father they loved disco. So they were always dancing odyssey that song You're a native new yorker. That reminds me of my mom. Oh my god. Oh wait, uh, you got to find it You should know the school. You should know the school by now You're in there. Listen to shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. If you're black break out the afro scene. We're getting down to like cops up

Oh shit Real african from by the right here We're fucking around Constantine you got to get big daddy came to call in You were saying you'd call in you hang out with him. You're jumping up and down with him We'll bring bird answering this motherfucker And we'll have fucking big daddy Stop fucking around Oh, shit. Oh, shit. He's gone talking about people. You don't know what the fuck's going on here. Look at this shit

cherry cannabis soda I drank and he's dancing I'm fucking high by osmosis. I'm telling you right now put on illusion Okay, it was the theme song to fx at the end Illusion was a little disco. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's the guy that did all the special effects, right? Not that one Who's saying, you know What's on there? What songs are on there? Illusion it put in fx soundtrack. Okay, because it's coming up with like non music stuff and you put illusion of course it is

Nobody knows it You see it. Well, your girlfriends a friend of mine is this This is a jam people This sounds like van halen running with the devil What was that? Would you fucking browser pop up? No, it's the fucking movie. Yeah, that's what I mean Ah, let's see I'm trying to get into the front of the credits. Oh, no, it's it's the end of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Put down from the beginning this

Was a fucking jam This is at the end when he shakes up brian brian denny's hand and they get away with Keep going. I remember the movie. Do anything else, right? Listen to that little organ Listen to that mother fucking organ that little organ And when this jam comes dog, I get tears in my eyes. I don't even want to mention a girl I used to take her out and we would dance. We'd do a couple bumps a half a lude I wouldn't even fucking make love though. I wouldn't even suck at titty's nothing It was all about dancing and getting fucked up and just seeing her hips move and looking at her feet with the fucking

toenails done and those high heels tenet Oh, shit Oh, shit Oh, shit this song right here. I haven't been this yet. You got me man. It's the end of 82 I know the movie the summer of 82. This is tremendous That's the guy that did all the special effects, right? Yes, and they with gerry orback was the mob. Yeah. Yeah gerry orback played

Do-do-do Illusion oh wait Do-do-do This is a fucking jam. There's a hold on. Hold on. This was like a this was on the radio and shit. Oh, shit This was on 98 seven kiss master mix. This was fucking. Oh, yeah kiss Master mix and because I know everyone's gonna ask on twitter. It's called just an illusion imagination Yeah, put that on again because that when they go off that's what me and this girl would just go up right now You're just dancing slow with this freak

Illusion could it be that what what it's just No, bitch shake that motherfucker. What what what? Wednesday night motherfuckers. What are you doing watching dance? Let me tell you let's see now if this shit brings back memories put in body mechanic, you know that song Oh, I gotta hear it. You uh, it's fucking now this song remember I told you all this shit reminds me like fighting and stuff every time I was at like a fucking part I remember being 14 15 going to like these warehouse parties. Shout out to Tom Quigley, by the way this. Yeah, turn this up dog You know, you know, oh shit. Oh shit this sounds like something Tony Hinsgood would dance to

Oh shit Luca why put the song for Luca remember Yeah, because that's the same way me and Luca bonded when I first came out here Driving around remember he used to drive around to fucking Lincoln And we and I put this shit in he fucking lost it because he's like dude This is 86th street in Brooklyn. He's like we used to drive and cruise because down in florid lauderdale We used to cruise the strip. I had I listen to this shit uncle joey 15 16 years old

Are you kidding me? I had a 1984 Ford escort right station. Everyone's drop it right now I had a station wagon that I hooked up two 15s in the back Right piece of shit car fucking pyramid eq fosgate amp No electronic crossover just a voice coil right and a clarion receiver And I put my tape in because back then distortion. Oh, you got to put in play at your own risk that one you got Play at your own risk league. Did you eat all the espresso beans? Yeah, there's something you got two more in there See back then did you do the step you didn't do the stereos right the base So you put the quarter on the fucking and the thing to see how far that time I was gone. Yeah. Yeah, that was done

Huh? Yeah, that's like 87 88 89 87. I was already Be I wasn't the death lepid portion of sugar on me I was gone from New York. I had and my friends would send me mixtapes Yeah, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same as being there. So you got this is this is 83 84 turn up 82 82 right, you know this I got I got a good I got a good uncle joey story this All right

12 years old my cousin I went on a drug deal. He'll love this shit. All right, we just chew them We gotta finish him pop that shit. I would eat him if I'd have to I'd never had anything like that I've never even smoked weed before you know that I told you you don't need to do nothing. You're a good man I'm good already. That's why by the way, you're probably gonna get this on twitter Fucking 800 people tweeting put a pussy. You don't smoke. Fuck. Just you know why I got that wacky gene I don't want to fuck with it. I'll take it. I'll take it too. I'm one of those guys I'll take it even higher and then higher and that's why I don't I just stay My best friends don't even get high and I like that because not everybody's supposed to be the same

That's why the world is the way there's all fucking different. That's what makes a special song Anyway, so I'm with my cousin right goes a comfort ride and and you got to look this song up You got to look up point of no return by expose ag tremendous. So yeah, this triple fucking jam 87. Yeah, like this 1984 What's the name of the album? The album was called expose. It was off their first album. No shit. That album is tremendous. That's a great There's a lot of good love songs on that shit too. Let me be the one To hold on to your dream this song. So anyway, so we're driving around right? He goes with me He goes hey come on me for a ride now. Here's something that people don't know

Uh, when you have like friends or family that are going through like the 12 step program There's this step where they apologize to you for shit that you don't even know they fucking did right? So I found this out later in life. So I'm rolling with my cousin, right? He says hey take a ride with me and we're driving all over man I'm Monroe street in pese downtown by the sports center a and e sports center. What what? So we're driving around and he's blasting this song, but he just keeps making stops. You know what I'm saying So that was it took me home. We hung out all day. Bought me ice cream. It was a fucking good time so, uh

So later on in life. Yeah, you gotta keep this on. That's a jam. Lee. Why are you sweating for? So he's in his Cadillac convertible. He had to fucking white walls on Seems just like a dream. It's a mystery to me So later on in life and kidding don't turn that off. I'll bite your finger. Yo, so I get this I get this call from him later on i'm older and he was you know going through some shit and he called me And he said look I want to apologize to you for this, you know And he told me when I was 12 years old he goes I was doing shit You know I wasn't supposed to be doing and I just was like, what are you apologizing for?

That's fucking awesome Hey, I'm writing shotgun with you listening to expose while you're fucking dropping shit off. Well come on man Who's better than me? But it's this song reminds me that this was one of the first videos they put off in the aisle And they had a white chick in the band a long-legged white chick. I loved her She was there was a Filipino girl. There was joy. Oh, was the Italian Italian one and then there's a white chick That was just really didn't they keep replacing one though. They kept ever done It was Miami. They were doing blow

How long was the girl gonna last down there? She's sucking dick that ruins your vocal chords, you know Sperm ain't good for that shit. They tell you that when you're swallowing it But when you're fucking dude, fuck that i'm trying to swallow you said fucking when you go to the dock He's like i'm gonna sperm you're swallowing though. One of your voices going away. Lisa. Yeah, you bad motherfucker. Look at you What do you got planned for the weekend cocksack? Where you taking the wife? We're going to the point of no return Lee. What? Yeah, okay um Her mom is making carne asada, which is hysterical because spending fourth of july with the mexican family

Uh, and that's it. She wants to go see that new horror movie. Uh, yeah delivers from evil or something Hey, lee, how old are you 25? Are you serious? Yeah, so you're gonna sit there with your eyes closed because you don't like I don't he don't know any of this shit. No That's why he's here is what he's gonna take him to the fucking school sent him to me like frelo They sent him out to vegas his father sent him to mo green with respect Talk to a man like mo green like that. They sent them, you know via respect. You straighten my brother out. You straighten my brother That's the main man. What are you doing for the fort? So you want over there all day? Your mom's gonna little fucking shoot you down there. So you wear something neutral don't blue no red

Where's she from angle with uh, yeah, no red. No red. No, I know. I mean wait. No, that's a no blue zone They're all red over there. I don't wear. I just wear I mean, they're They're actually kind of cool down there, but I just I don't make eye contact with most of them Um Well, that's what that's what she said. She fucking was like every time I go there We have to clean out my karmic. It's all in the trunk and she's like

Something and I saw a car that was on blocks and then I was like is that gonna happen me still get mine I was like great. This is my part right here. Crick that motherfucker right here. What? What taking me? Hey when this What song when you went to the roller rink, which roller skating rink you go to by the way when you were a kid? Yeah, yeah Did you ever go to the rink? What roller rink did you go to? I went to one in parameters Was it united skates of america? You know what bro? I went let me tell you what happened I was dating this girl. I used to dry hump. That's it. We were that young. We just dry hump

Nothing else no tit. No nothing. She just let me dry hump standing up, which is a fucking She wouldn't even let me take it to the floor. I remember arguing with her like in this is great Just let me dry humpy in the floor in the bathroom and she's like, are you fucking? How are you doing standing up? Yeah, I just dry hump it out like pick it up and burn calories that way Then I gotta dry against the wall against the wall like a fucking like if I had one leg and it was a fucking nightmare I think I might be high. I know you are I feel a little fucking weird. I love it. This is what you support This is the energy. This is the patois. This is what the church does to you. Yeah, so uh I used to go with her and her grandmother

It was that type of relationship Like and her older brother who was a scumbag in fact, I seen him on facebook I almost said something to that motherfucker. He's still hold the grudge. Oh, I hate that motherfucker He never liked me. He always resented me and and should happen between us later on in life Three years later. He got really bad, but uh We used to go roller skate and you know the same things, you know We go but there was always that one guy that was a little bit older than everybody Yeah, and the girls were like swoon over him because but he was fucking 50. Yeah, he was a fucking loser

You know, you the girl that you're with is 13 and this guy's 25 So that's why you like that bit because you saw it. You're like, fuck. Yeah, I can I can relate to you Oh, no, I understood exactly when you said that years ago. I'm like, oh my god But one time I went and the cool guy This how dumb and naive I was the cool guy was skating And he went around a turn and he found his wig fell off dog And the fucking skating ring stopped and everybody watched him put his wig back up on his head his face I'll never forget how red his face was like if that guy could crawl in the hole and fucking bury himself that moment

Like he was a cool guy, but he had the full head rod steward type wig Yeah, which I brought even though he had a wig like I didn't know about wigs in those days I had no fucking idea we meant more wigs. That's how naive I was something the glue didn't work This motherfucker went and we never went skating again that role and it was disgusting He had to wear rented skates with people's foot fungus The brake pads were fucked up. I wasn't into that shit. I used to love that shit, man It was like nightclub for kids. I used to go to wallington. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, the wallington panthers That was the high school of wallington panters

I went to wallington skating center and uh, because right here was forsake stadium Have you ever been through forsaken now? He's cop sacks dad and you say you cop sacks dad. We played you guys in high school The christmas tournament when you they flipped the bus on my freshman year. So wait, what year did you graduate 72? Oh, so in 78 was craig hayward there yet? Yeah, he was because he must have been like a freshman or something Craig Hayward was a senior when we no, he couldn't he couldn't he graduated 82 No, he got 86 graduate with my brother did he really 85 85 he went to pit. That's right He was a sophomore when I was a senior. You're right. He went he went to pit, but he died

Yeah, yeah, he died his son's playing though. That's how that's how old uh His son plays you probably got a kid pregnant. Yeah, probably like 12 or some shit I went to school with his brothers and then uh, there was uh, Nate Hayward was the receiver and then you had uh, This tyrone one of the I think tyrone stole played or no no because he was more He was a little linebacker from new all-in saints that was the shortest lineback. That was sam mills I played flag football against him when he was a car sales. He was a jersey dude on sunday mornings Six in the morning these guys would show up hungover. Is it from jersey? He's from jersey monclay. He's monclay It's fucking amazing, man

Hey, listen, man, uh, I don't even know what fucking time it is. It's only night. It's like 9 30 Oh, shit. It's 10 o'clock. Yeah, it's five to 10. We got to just get some good songs in or we wrapping it up I gotta go do a spot, but what time do you spot? You know me dog? I don't do a fuck What is that? It's right down the block The show's gonna run love that's gonna run late you get up when you get there No, we could you're fucking uncle joey. It doesn't you know, I don't even know what time it ends I just don't want people anytime a podcast is over two hours with us It might go kaput's leaves already getting high. Look at the shape. Yeah, these fall asleep. Huh? It's almost two hours, right?

No, I'm fine. This is uh I like like this is where I like to be like green hornets kind of pull me I don't know you ate in a whole one of those you had the whatever that is The fucking juju juice. Oh my god. No, but this is nice. I can still talk like usually if I get high Brett, it's like I can't even this might just be the beginning though This express on me might be the express of being hit took a while to hit me But then but the last two fucking baboon pitching and what about the last two they're gone And I had him spiked with extra fucking malukia juice in this

Yeah, I'll give him extra fucking maloik in there little maloik You know what that is? No, this is tough. You know what maloik is. It's like bad luck. Oh good. I'll give you maloikia I've heard I've heard Joseph. I'm not gonna give him no bad luck. This guy's a solid fucking little juke You can't give him bad luck the fucking the evil. I don't even work on it. It doesn't uh doesn't work on juice Does he have the fucking uh the hand with the thing on it the yamaka with the fucking hand type fucking Struz. Do you have the the pie symbol you wearing your neck that means 3.14? Oh, this motherfucker. Oh, no, it's just the Hebrew word for god. Yeah that thing. Yeah, the Hebrew word for god The Hebrew word for god is fucking two things with this money. It looks like uh, it looks like the symbol for pie

Or it looks like something from Stonehenge You know the two things and it goes like this. Yeah, you never seen it. Yeah, I know. I know you're talking about it's amazing brands that uh Sometimes at night I I smoke a joint or whatever the fuck I come home. I drink coffee and I got I go on youtube and I watch videos at you Sebastian, you know, uh, I'm at I'm at I just did uh Maron with our methamed. Oh, yeah, I did an episode of maron with him. It was funny. We had to do it the main room And I hadn't gone back to the main room since I walked out Maron's wake when I went off that night and I uh We were talking and we go, you know, can you if you told me in 1997?

We were both sitting at the union broke When he first moved out from what's his name's house? Maron? No, when he first moved out of uh, because it was him the chubby guy. Why you talking about mark maron? Vince Vaughan Oh, I met a man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah when he was staying with uh, I met I met booked a room on sunset called the union Which was on sunset. No, it was doublins tuesday nights. This was before double Yeah, the union you're going back. The union was two doors up from doubling

And that sushi thing wasn't there. Oh, it was the one that was down. It was like downstairs. Were you yes? Okay, no, yes Lee tremendous. I remember that night tremendous But there was he booked it every tuesday and across the street was the chateau marmont And down more is the sushi place that was a bar that eddie griffin ran Because black knight at the comedy store was tuesdays. Yeah, so eddie griffin got pissed off and said fuck it I'm gonna have my own motherfucking black knight up the corner So the sunset strip on tuesdays in those days was the comedy store

Fat tuesday, whatever they did there eddie griffin started his show with 10 Where he just did a show Nobody else went up because eddie went up for an hour or two and then I met I met and vince Vaughan's old girlfriend booked the union And the union was shit The union was shit The union was a room where 10 people go every week and comics like mike young. That's where I met mike young He had just done vibes blowing up that kid. Is he now? Yeah, he got his show on hbo. He fucking sold the movie

I know he directed the movie. I know he directed the movie. Yeah, so, uh I met mike young at that and it was just comics that would go there on tuesday night But what happened was the place had a lot of young women A lot of young actresses went there. So the word got out So next to you know, nick topolo was in there stanhope wasn't there paulie shore was in there And the place went from having 10 people to having two hundred people on a tuesday and we get drink tickets They wouldn't even pay us They give us five drink tickets, but that's all we needed

That's all you needed five drink tickets to get the party started. Then you walked over to the store So I remember being there when I met i met talking about Like how do you get an agent? Like where do you go? How long it took for him to get an agent? You know, well you I mean you too, but I'm too fucking it's insane You you people have no idea How fucking Much bullshit you got to go through

They think they know At least civilians I remember me and i met i met going to a meeting at Wilshire me and i met i met right the union one night And some jerk off guy came in here and he goes you guys need an agent. Yeah Some jerk off guy and gave me and i met i met me and i met bought into it And we both went down to this place on wilshire at two o'clock And the agent did have no idea what we were talking about the guy who gave us the car was an assistant

Wow, and when we got to the guys like I don't need fucking comments. What are your credits? I mean i'm gonna look for each other guys like get the fuck out of my this is that That's how long it was like we were two kids with a fucking and you you mentioned fucking mark maren Bro, that guy was inspirational too. Yeah, dude. I mean mark maren was just mark maren was on blow back then mark maren was fucking nuts But the point being that i'm shooting this tv show with him in january And he looks over at me at one point i met i met he goes If one of those nights at the union we would talk out in front of a place

And we were dreaming of having money to walk to the Pink dot and have a sandwich, you know, a fucking pink dot sandwich I remember us not having money for a pink dot sandwich one night like giggling Like i don't even have money for a pink dot sandwich hoping that he would say come on i'll buy for him I'm going me neither You would try you fishing fishing for the meal But for him to say to me that day Can you imagine if those nights and we used to so if I told you we were going to be taping the show together

For mark maren because mark maren did the room all coked up. That's when he was here with Schubert he just hang out with bob baker That was a complete well he was what would hang out with fucking uh labo and uh labo It was he was a deep crew. Yeah, and then he got his light and then he left He got divorced and left and went to israel and did the one-man show about israel and then he came back and I saw him when he did uh The movie almost famous

I didn't see him till after that again. So I didn't see him like from 97 Till about 2003 maybe when that movie came out 2004 And now to see his show on tv. I remember luis ck. He was coming to the store on sunday nights when he was a writer on the What's the black guy Not chris rock. No the short chubby guy part of the kings of comedy tour said at the same Cedric had a fucking mad tv type show on fox And luis ck was the head writer. He hired me to be a mobster on the fucking show

It was one of the worst sketch shows in all fucking time But at least luis ck. He hired me. Yeah, I came into the store all those people He's coming to the store on sunday nights and hang out and and now you know It's just amazing. It's amazing to see what you've done. All the older brothers are gone. No, man I don't really see him and I don't see you. Obviously you and rogan aren't there no more fucking shuber We'll pop in every now and then thank god this last comic standing thing's going on I mean, I'm glad he made the top 10 to me. You know that guy's a fucking warrior, bro um

But like, you know Lucas gone Yeah, yeah to come back on why they kick him off Yeah, he got voted off, but he could come back on but you know, who knows they probably got every who knows what that shit, you know You never know, you know, it's uh to hear that's a bastion blowing up and I met i'm mad and doing all this it just you know I did the rogan podcast two weeks ago and we got into us And I told people that we just kept showing up

How we say We're no better than anybody else because you can name 10 people who are gone That you were doing the comedy at the store. They're gone. Yeah, they've moved on to music or You'll go to a show in Chicago and now they they went back because their uncle died. You'd be fucking surprised How many comics we were here with at the store? They're probably gone. You don't even remember Some remember a lot a lot of the girls that like the georgia jeans. I haven't seen anymore Right, georgia jeans was on facebook a month a month ago Saying she got out of the comedy because all the men and how disgusting they were when they were talking about adam richman

Rape and the girl in Minneapolis. There was an article in georgia jean, you know, see that's the thing, too There were chicks at the store though that hung tight like like paula bell tammy pescatelli shema You know, there's girls that that whitney, you know, they these are there were girls that were always accepted and hung out and can kick it You know, and then there were certain ones that the store. I would it had this weird. It still does But it's it's it's uh, you know, don bearish. She's still there. Brian holtsman is another one, dude That motherfucker is he's gone insane. I don't see him anymore. He's a dog catcher

in marina del re or in the huntington beach or one of those places and You know, he would come he was a hobbyist. He was a fucking airplane pilot He would come in late at night when he was drinking And do 15 minutes off the top of his head of craziness Some of the best comedy he remember people would be coming at when they heard he was on people would come and watch this guy Yeah, it was fucking craziness and then to see the the store still I mean it's still a scene man You know, but that was but that always remember there was a big difference

You know, it's like the people that tell you at the water cooler that you're funny And then you go on stage and it's a big shock to be funny in the office It's a big shock to then come to la And be funny. That's one thing to stick it out Wait, how about this one? That's the other how about to be funny in the or at one in the morning in front of fucking fight That's when you know That's when you earn your comedy strike. That's when that's why comedy store comics most They could do a room anywhere any place anytime. I could do anything

I tell people all the time that this times I go for additions And I'll go on and I'll see the guy from the godfather that got shot in the eye You know, he's still around mo green mo green still around the audition I'll see joe santos. I'll see johnny roast beef I don't yeah, and I'll see all these people in the audition room and I'll start getting butterflies in my stomach And then I'll say, you know what man? All right So these motherfuckers have me as actors

But they never had a five-hour ball morning in the hour at 12 30 neither And that's what I got that nobody else got all that and you fucking work with deniro No, but who gives a fuck about that? I'm talking about following paul mooney at the store When you're a eight-year comic and you don't know how to figure it out And the show started at nine and they've already heard every Every topic Every joke Everybody could eat pussy. Everybody's got a big dick

Everybody punched a hoe in the face You got to come up there follow paul mooney at 12 40 or 10 after one when half the room is getting up Okay You have no idea what fear is you have no idea what it is to Go up to the store thinking that you're gonna go up at 11 30. You're prepared for 11 30 and now it's 10 after one When I tell you I have a show at eight, I know I'm going up at 8 45 as a headline You're going to austin next week, right? Yeah, awesome. Yeah, Austin, right? You know that you're going up at eight at the comedy store. I thought you got there when you got 30

But paul mooney's up on or fucking eddie griffin's on or eddie griffin's on odama ravazon And you got a fire and that's where my conference comes from Also, you know what else I've because you know and all the clubs in la are for now. They are laugh factory offers It's the every club offers something The comedy store because it has no mc I mean, I remember I followed chris rock one night You know and he just you know dice the first time dice brought me up. He's like, who? I don't know this kid

And then then he's like, how tall are you? I go uh six two. He goes, how much you weigh? I go about a buck 95 There's his intro And he got and he got to go up and after either Dice annihilated or just fucking just ripped into people and then and i'm doing comedy fucking what four five years And you got to figure it out That's why when like I remember when me and kappa kappa ruler went to montreal in 03 It he was looking at me and he goes Everybody was complaining because we're doing comedy during the day

And i'm like we were doing new faces. I'm like, dude We're happy. There's just a fucking crowd of people that want to laugh and you could just get up and That's why we rocked all the meds rooms doublins comedy store comics I mean, there was some improv guys like schwarzen and zack gal finakis that would fucking destroy But on a whole you couldn't go up the doublins on a tuesday with a fucking notebook and try and read jokes You had to bring it. I went up at the doubling twice and I bombed both times. Yeah, but the there's other factors behind that

There's other factors, but let me tell you something The best compliment I ever got was I got a quote one night like about quarter to 12 It was peep from the houston lab stop And he goes I saw something tonight that I only thought you could do And it was amazing. I put it together He goes, you know, johnny sanchez. I go. Yeah, he goes johnny's here. It's thursday. It was wednesday night

And there's only 24 people Do you know he got a standing ovation? And he goes the only other person that did that in my room Wish you on a sunday night That's the comedy story, isn't it? That is And then johnny got on the phone and we talked and he's like that's the comedy story You learned because in your mind when you came out of here, it's la It's gonna be 200 people a night every night and in some nights at the store. There was 150 people at nine o'clock

By the time we got up at 20 the fucking two That's 13 people and if you need those 15 dollars Those 15 dollars were huge in those days. So you and triply are two of the only comics I've ever seen because you said you bombed but your bombing isn't really bombing You you understand what I mean? Like you're still spitting shit. No, I thought Were you hired drunk or something? No, I don't go on stage hired drunk. I would go stoned at the at the fucking uh Dublin they just that was a different world

Well, what I was gonna say because I've never seen two guys go out there Like you and triply triplies. I've I've never seen a triply get booed more I've never seen a guy with more standing ovations and just as many times as these people been like shut You know get mad at them. That's when you know, you're saying something by the way You know what I mean when you get those fucking mixed reactions those all-or-nothing type reactions Like triply to me man. I that guy would fucking if if there's a destroy If if the times, you know, like because something they they they would put about 115 in the morning

and he would do that set Somewhere else at 10 o'clock and you could hear I remember one time fucking It dug the fucking whole place. Just it was going crazy when he did that handicap stripper shit They fucking lost their minds But yeah, and I'll tell you who me and sabash in love Was freddy soto resting peace but not just because he's dead That motherfucker man would come on at one o'clock in the morning in front of seven eight people You had a you had to do it and but would smoke a cigarette

And not even do monkey shit not even like try and get them Just get right into his fucking stories and the whole crowd Whoever was left comics would be watching and you just fucking zeroed in on that guy. That was your practice That was your practice was going up there and zeroing the fucking and going Off the rails because like I said, they've already heard everything the comedy story of the people that came out of the quarter to nine the state till 1115 and then you had another batch that came in about 10 30 and they stayed till 12 30

Then you had another batch that came about 11 45 that stayed till two And then you had the eight people that had been there from the beginning to the end all the way All the way through and they were in the back having a great time giggling that bar tap is 200 They're staying next door at the height. They don't give a fuck. They met andrew dice clay They saw two people from their favorite tv show You know, it's roguet roguet. Let me tell you man that motherfucker I remember having to follow him and just Feeling being lost just feeling like a bitch

Like going what what kind of dumb ass fucking Jokes am I going to do after this? Yeah being fucking? Yeah, just like what am I doing? And then then mitzi for almost a whole fucking year every tuesday because this is what I loved about joe There were guys that would come in that were headliners and we just bump do whatever the fuck they want He had enough decency to call in and they would always have a half hour Booked out for him. So now he knew that you know, even if he went 15 minutes over didn't throw the show off You know because he could just pop in And fucking do 45 and all those comics that were booked. So at least

They knew he would call in and they would give him those spots and mitzi kept putting me up every fucking tuesday after him every night he was on And that and I told joe this because he came down to see me one time in in uh at the comic store in la joya Because he was running a set And he said look, I don't want to bump you or whatever and I'm like, you know We're past that buddy. I followed, you know, you do what you want to do and he was nice enough He said, let me go on after you do your time, you know, such a gentleman and um, but that right there following that motherfucker, man At first I couldn't figure it out

So exploring with john jones every day. Yeah If you fight the best in the gym every day and some days you push it your confidence level zooms You know, I got my confidence at the fucking store I got my confidence at the fucking store. We'll do this and I gotta wrap it up because they just called me But I gotta tell you something. I went to miami one time for a year. I tried to sell the miami emperor paul mooney And they would go, oh no, no, we don't want them down and finally paul mooney did something And the miami emperor brought him down. Maybe 99. This is these are the things that you talked about a movie with denero That's great. But these are the things that

As my soul is leaving my body When I die, I'm gonna look at myself and go what did I really accomplish and I'm gonna think of the story I told you this is when nobody would talk to me I think I had booked a pilot Baseball Oh, yeah with uh matt and trey and a commercial a taco bell commercial. You're in baseball. Yeah, that was my first movie Yeah, that's how I joined sag one line And I stole all the roller skates from the movie. I was still a criminal then by the way, sorry

The best one line ever is you and fucking spider-man. Oh, please. I'm the king of the one When you popped on the screen. I was like, what the fuck? Yo, you gotta go through. I'm like Fucking uncle joey got it out of the fucking store and uh So i'm working with paul morning and it's uh my thursday night in miami or something And I had been in this room a thousand times to me. This room was d o r I knew the ins and outs of the room, you know, I knew what I could say at this point I was in miami six times a year

And the people got to know me as a feature and thank you I remember even david tell saying to me one time you don't have an idea what you're doing You're building a fan base as a feature act He goes, I've been in new york all my life. I come out now. I'm you know, I'm working now. You have a fan base So I don't know if we get going up there. It was one of those nights where nothing is wrong And I see paul out of the corner of my eye. You were we were at the miami and probably all the time That's one of my favorite and I saw the doors open. They just closed. Yeah, they opened and this was in the third floor Forgot about on the other side. Oh, wow. That's why an italian restaurant across in the fucking frozen drinks

Yeah, the frozen drinks man stopping and uh, and I see paul mooney out there and he doesn't close the door He leaves the door open and he's yelling at the bar staff and going like this point. I mean, I'm like Oh my god, I've known this guy For two years. I've been following him for a year. I got him into this club And he's not there complaining about me because I'm being dirty This is fucking paul mooney the famous paul mooney I'm watching him yelling. I can't hear what he's saying But I'm watching him yelling pointing at me on stage

yelling like yelling and I was like, all right, thank you and I get off and I killed but I don't know what just went on out there And I got off the stage and I go through the back door and as I'm going through the front I see paul mooney and I set the bar and I don't say that it was john John the black bartender who his father was a famous black photographer Who uh went with mohammed ali for a couple years and Photographed him and photographed richard prior and uh, he had pictures of richard prior and and uh

The movie about tarantino with the black chick with deniro where they rob uh, not foxy brown. No The other one like that. What's the her name jesus christ? Tarantino made two movies. Yeah, I'll tell you I'll tell you beautiful. Yeah sandy brown whatever the fucking name sandy brown As they go sandy brown is a beautiful black chick Tarantino made a movie that got released christmas day 97 or 98 It's got fucking uh, the guy from friday jackie brown jackie brown jackie brown. What was her name? Let's see. Is it the 70s chick? She was like the hot 70s chick. He had her father

Hamgrear, yeah His father photographed him and pan grea richard when richard prior used to date pan grea They flew uh, this bartender's father. They're making a long story short. I knew the guy And I go just what happened out here Was paul mooney mad at me and john turnip was mad at you But freedom was in here That's what it was but it was at the bar And I guess he was in the back room now, right

but Paul mooney was young that bud. You hear that you hear that laughter. That's common store laughter That ain't the improv. That's common store. Like because I guess bud didn't like one mooney, right? So paul was in there going that's common store. That's what the common store teaches you 20 years from now, they'll be asking people where they learned how to do that type of comedy And they're gonna say the comedy store dog. I just sat there frozen Like this is one of the greatest like you you do you were doing so well. It got him so amped up It got him so amped up and he to him he knew I developed that I I did get that from the comic

When I worked in the comic, so I was a shell of a fucking comic You know by 2002 I had become a comic. I was in the headliner I was a comic I had already been doing comedy 11 years at that point but that training program that college Well, they say 6 11 and 15 are those milestones. Yeah, that that 11 to year when now you're following any griffin You have conversations under the griffin. You're in a different league now. I put myself in a different league I'm not in that league with the local scenes no more I'm in a league at the comic storm at the improv talent wise. Yes, you you it's it's the altar

It's like clubberlings jim and fucking rocky three men. That's it. I'm at the best place. You ain't gonna fuck with me Anything dude. I have seen it fucking. I saw a dude try to fight chris rock one night I saw uh, I saw dice and dom get I've seen So much crazy shit happen in that fucking room. And here's my my analogy to it You know, uh, Peter Luger's steakhouse. They say the pan is why the steaks are so good. They don't wash the pan It's been the same dirty fucking pan for 50 years, but it gets so hot. There's no germs It's just flavor just is marinated in this fucking thing for 50 years That's what the or is it's that steak pan at fucking Peter Luger's

How good is Peter Luger's strong if we took lee there right now Mastros and in fucking mastros in thousand oaks and the steak I don't know what's something about that one even better than one in Beverly Hills. I think Mastros and in thousand oaks right on thousand oaks. Boulevard is fucking strong. I live right over there Let's do it Let me tell you something Brother it has been a fucking pleasure joey. I knew it was gonna be a pleasure I knew it was gonna be played just because the music and it took me a while and I'm happy that you came on

You're a great nephew. You're one of my favorite nephews. Let me do a little thing here Then we'll close up. Give me two minutes here again Listen, why fuck around with yourself be a good friend to yourself All right, you want to be the best human being you could be you want to be what the fuck you're laughing about That's the longest on the commercial Because I didn't finish it before you fuck. I want to give honor to The people up to the employment here. I'm not prejudiced. So I'm trying to say is go to honor dot com See what they have to offer you maybe it's a digest if you want to start with Alfa brand

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Joey, I think I do man. I wouldn't know but delicious. I'm not even fucking with you the sesame sticks The fucking no, I thought I meant the high thing delicious. All right nailed it life doc tom again Vapor pen fucking the gumi bears gumi zermanos the best But the vapor pen is one of the best vapor pens in on the market If not the best one for the fucking for you wax cock suckers You get a lifetime guarantee. You got a problem. You call fucking david will ship your new fucking battery Customer service is key with these cock suckers. I would not lie. That's important You get 20% off your order if the pen is 50 bucks you get it for what 40 bucks or something like that

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It's gonna be live at the fucking Austin cap city comedy club wednesday through fucking sunday. I don't know what the fuck you're doing that ever getting your car Get some reefer drive up to austin have a great way your sandals If you're a woman, you have to shave your fucking armpits put sugar juice on your pussy But make sure you go up to cap city and watch my friend He's got a show on wednesday night one on thursday two friday two saturday You're gonna laugh your ass off. He's a sweetheart of a guy. You heard of me tonight Will I fucking pitch you something wrong? You think i'm gonna send some fucking dude out there?

Jamoke. Yeah, some fucking jamoke with three jokes. I'm sending you a fucking pro here I don't give a fuck what you need to do houston dallas midland fucking odessa Get in the fucking truck kill the chicken drive with the fucking austin Get stoned eat some fucking barbecue stand online But most important go see my little brother brenner and also you could get out on my websites bret earns dot com br et er n s t dot com You can check subscribe to my podcast as well. It's called the bret earns show. I do like top 10 lists

I gotta have you on joey. This one talking about top 10 of all time. What are you gonna do next? You're gonna sit there in your house in texas and sweat like a fucking pig. What the fuck get in your car Go to austin get some calaches get some fucking barbecue. Who's better than you smoke some reefer He don't smoke go to fat sows. It's open fat sows, but he'll take a you could blow a shotgun in his face He'll take the smoke like a soldier Not like one of those girls that takes to come to the face then keeps her eyes closed And you got to walk her to the fucking bathroom like a service dog. Fuck that shit And that's it cock suckers the church life. You know wednesday night

You're gonna get this uh happy 4th of july. I don't know if you guys are lonely And you want to do a fucking podcast on saturday? I don't know. We're back monday 7 7 at 6 a.m. That's all I gotta tell you right now Like I said, I gave out shout out. God bless you again to bret Ernst Again to my man lisa. Yeah again to honnet Dollar Shave Club nailed it life and fucking nature's box.com. I love you cocksuckers. All right, stay black Have a great weekend. What song are you closing with me? Oh shit? I didn't even think about we have so many How about rumors?

That's a good one. So my man could dance a little for you because brent's gonna dance from the scratch Okay, put the camera ready for brent and she's gonna break it down for you guys like this. All right, I'll get ready Uh another the show. Oh, do you want to say where you're gonna be? I'm gonna be next uh weekend. I'm in the san jose improv the 10th through the fucking 12 7 18 I'm at the south point casino one not only a friday night in vegas pack your bags Get your fucking ecstasy and come on down. It's one show You could go out to dinner get a steak go out dance and get your dick suck and your balls lick like biggie in 95

And then 7 25 and 7 26 july 25 and 26 I'm at fucking rino at the pioneer comedy club. Come on down cock suckers. All right Thank you. You're welcome. Now the show's over. Remember go to naturebox.com in order a great tasting healthy snacks at 50 off snack smarter In the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries Support this podcast to get 50 off of your first order go to naturebox.com promo code joey That's nature box.com promo code joey What the fuck is this it's empty cocksucker. Yeah. Oh shit busted

Oh, shit. Have a great weekend. I love you cocksucker stay black Get your digs up if you're a woman go out to get that monkey lick Put your ass up make them eat that ass back that thing up into his fucking nose Let them smell that fucking ass coconut You ate all the fucking things cocksucker Hey They started by the jealous people and they said bad about something they had and somebody else is owning Why you broke the glasses out, huh?

All this boomers Hey, I tried to argue but they said And what about Susan some say she's just a tease In a camera saw she's six feet tall should not get to your knees with you Look at all these rumors. It's surrounding me every day I just need some time Some time to get away From all these rumors

Can't take it no more My best friend said there's one I know about me and the girl next door I can't go no place without somebody pointing a finger I can't show my face cause when it comes to rumors I'm a dead ringer. It seems from rumors I just can't get away I bet they're looking at me rumors from the round on judgment day They got right my congressman and tell him to pass a bill For a next time they can't somebody starting rumors

To kill with you Look at all these rumors. It's surrounding me every day I just need some time Some time to get away From all these rumors Can't take it no more My best friend said there's one I know about me and the girl next door For a next time they can't somebody starting rumors

To kill with you Look at all these rumors. It's surrounding me every day I just need some time Some time to get away From all these rumors Can't take it no more My best friend said there's one I know about me and the girl next door I can't show my face cause when it comes to rumors I'm a dead ringer. It seems from rumors

I'm a dead ringer. It seems from rumors So please let me live my life When mine is mine, I ain't got time Boomers in my life I'm a man who thinks that I'm a man who drinks So please let me live my life Where do you look at all these boomers Look at all these boomers

Like me every day I just need some time Some time to get away From all these boomers I can't take it no more Sit down my bed and rest My life I'm me and the girl next door Look at all these boomers

Surrounding me every day When you home I just need some time Some time to get away From all these boomers I can't take it no more My best friend's dead Is what I never made a man

Want to stop Stop spreading those Boomers around Stop spreading the lies Why are you guys Stop spreading Boomers around Stop spreading the lies

No, it's good to me Baby, stop spreading Boomers around Stop spreading the lies Baby, won't you be Stop spreading Boomers around Stop spreading the lies

I don't want me begging you Please stop spreading Boomers around Stop spreading Boomers around Stop spreading the lies