Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #193 - Joey Diaz, Bret Teck and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 7, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by supplement specials Bret Teck. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 07/07/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality resources sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shaveclub banner. This show is also sponsored by honor.com. Go there to get alpha brain, shrimp tech immune, shrimp tech sport, everything like that. Use code word church to get 10% off

and our favorite escape pod tank.com. They have all your sensory deprivation techniques, but if you mentioned joey Diaz or the church of what's happening now, anything like that, they're going to save you an additional $250. it seems Andrew, you bad motherfucker. What? Who did? What? Who? Wash that pussy out of that fucking nudge sack. It's going to be a humiliating full day today. Scrub the barnacles out of that ass, oh motherfuckers. You're an American. It's over. You were eating fucking hot dogs and hamburgers with your fucking flag. You cock suckers. Today is the day, motherfuckers. What's the story? Is there anything better feeling than

putting a little powder on your balls? Nothing feels great. Nothing when you come out of that shower and you dry them and you put the gel in your head, do you trim your little fucking nose, head, little deodorant, now your balls are air dried, you put a little powder and they feel nice and cool. You put them under the nut sack right there by the fucking taint and you rub a little on your asshole so your first fart has that fucking special effect to it, you know what I'm saying? It's Monday, cock suckers, July the 7th, get your shit together. It's over. The barbecues, the bullshit. How many cheeseburgers did you have? What's going on, cock suckers? You have a good fourth of July? I had a really good weekend. What'd you do, Lisa? I have a story to tell

you and I'm not trying to make it seem, I'm not bragging. So I was coming home from 4th of July, it was a long fucking day and it was hot because I went down and south we went to a park and the thing we fucked up is apparently down there, you have to get there at like 9 a.m. We got to the park at like 1130 and we got a spot in the shade but we didn't get a spot with a table. So they brought a bedspread from home, not even a blanket, like a beach blanket, they brought a bedspread, so we had a place to sit but when you sit on the ground for four hours it takes it out of you. So we were coming up to 405 and I was just talking and I noticed a guy pulled over and I normally don't notice but there was an old man with a walker on the side of the 405 at like 4 o'clock

on the 4th of July and Paul and I were headed to the gym and I don't know anything about cars. I don't know one thing other than how to turn it on but I was like there's an old man with a fucking walker on the side of the 405 and people are just whizzing by him and I was like fuck so I said Paul I said we have to turn around so we turn we got on we got on the 405 south and went and turned around and if I got to him I was just gonna go call AAA sorry because I don't know I don't know shit and it's actually something I'm kind of embarrassed about because I don't know how to change oil I don't know how to do shit so I pull up and this other car pulls up and I look at her it's a younger lady she's like are you here for him she's like no and I'm like okay so I get to him

he has a blown out tire and then she comes up there's two people with with blown out tires and this old man has the tools and I'm like fuck I he's he's trying to do it he's like this old southern guy I'm like I'll help you but I have no idea so I start I start helping him with it and then this luckily thank god this like 30 year old woman pulled over too so she knew how to do it really whoa um so I learned how to change a tire and it took fucking an hour because it was his front one so we took the back one off and we put the spare on the back because he didn't want to put the donor on the front and then we put the donor and then we put the his back one on the front and then that woman who pulled over the first one she had the up uh fucked up one too so he had to

change her her tire with his tools and took about an hour but I felt great like I was sunburned afterwards I was like I was thinking of you saying I was gonna get the sun but I had I had no idea like I knew like the theory behind changing a tire like just the spinning the nuts or whatever but I had never done it and I did it I did three of them that day it was like I felt like I felt great about it and I just felt so bad like who isn't going to stop for an old man he literally had a walker with the tennis balls on the side of the 405 and I'm like no one's stopping for him you're a regular Johnny volunteer I guess you're a bad mother I mean you you know how to do it you could stop I mean I know how to do it but I stop I don't fucking know it depends how I'm feeling

but yeah I just it's America yeah and you know you really want to believe that people really care exactly but they fucking don't and the ones that walk around with the badge on their chest that they care and they get some marathons those are the biggest scumbags in the fucking world yeah you know I'm happy that you pulled over and helped the fucking old guy you know the mentality behind that that someday your dad's gonna be stuck that's what I thought of and somebody's gonna help him you know that that's the mentality behind those things like that but you're living somewhere that people give a fuck about their careers people don't look you in the eye why would why would they fucking pull over to help an old man why you're in the land of fakeness you're in the land of every

fucking cause but the cause in front of them yeah you know they're for every cause save the dolphin save the shark save the shark tooth save fucking everything but the the the fucking the the cause that's in front of them is the one nobody ever sees and I'm guilty of that also you know I'm saying I mean we're all guilty of that but kudos for you cocksucker look at you playing Johnny fucking triple A I felt I felt I felt back no change in fucking I know because when they jack the fucking car up they don't know how to jack it up and it breaks and the people fucking get killed by jacks yeah oh fuck I luckily he told me he's like there's a little lip but do you know how to like I I've changed I've never I'm no fucking car genius I could change

your all if I had to you know I don't know if I'll even find the nut underneath them put the bucket and you loosen it yeah and you know I could change your all filter if I had to change the air filter if I had to I don't know about that shit no more those days a long fucking gun you understand yeah uncle joey's road fucking days I used to have this car and I had every tool imaginable and to fix that car yeah like I had a fucked up radiator but if you put one of those things in the radiator it fixed it for six months okay you know like you you pour the rican the fucking car up you duct tape it you know but that's pretty interesting that you pulled over and then yesterday you went to the movies yeah yes I had paul for the weekend and we you and I talked and we were like

well you could go to this bar and at the end of the day like because I'm we're trying to eat healthy you can't get anything healthy and I never buy paper views but I was like well I'm gonna spend 60 dollars at a bar I'll just we'll go out to dinner and we'll I'll get up we'll do it here so we did that yesterday harm harm we went with her mom and her cousin to see that horror movie it was nice it's not it's uh I've been listening to what you're saying about about they like families important on the weekends and I've never been close with a girlfriend's family before and like the mom the mom and I are getting pretty cool the mom was making fun of me for being scared at the movie and it's uh because the mom it's a it's a joke because I like her mom keeps saying like when you leave me

I'm gonna die but recently she said oh now that you have lead I can I can die happy and it's just how dramatic like our like mothers get like when they would get a little bit older but I don't know it's been cool you know you're uh you're involved in the relationship and you you're part of their family it's so weird when you get involved with somebody's family like uh I'm good friends with Terry's family I like them I enjoy them you know I can't be around them all the fucking time you know I don't think I go to the movies with those crazy motherfuckers you know but um I enjoy them I don't understand how people are married and they don't like the other person's families or you know that that just causes fucking you know drama drama from the beginning and you know at the end man

you want to be on those weekends around with the people you love you know you feel more at home with your family whenever I stay at home sometimes late I don't know how to handle life because like there's a lot of sit-down time with mercy there's a lot of well I'm gonna watch it for an hour and I and I draw with her and I'm on the floor and I'm watching videos with her and I'm thinking to myself I should be writing my book I should be writing jokes but I think of myself no I'm 51 years old I got a second shot at this I should be spending time with this is what I feed this family time yeah is how I feed my joke writing and your books gonna get done and everything else will get done yeah if you don't if you don't live your life you got nothing to write about right you have nothing to

write about if you don't live your fucking life let me ask you something do you know exactly what's going on with the opium anthony thing do you know exactly through the degree of things from what I read he's saying he got punched in like time square area taking a picture and then he he since deleted the tweet so unless unless a reporter saved him you can't I can't see them from what I read from some of them he was saying she was like an animal which is fine if I got punched in the face I'd be pissed off too to me it seems like he got in trouble when he started saying something like she's black and I'm white it's hard being a white man and just going off a little bit about that I didn't fully read it but it seems like he went off on on race and XM got a got scared

but after how many decades of them being on the radio I'm surprised they still got scared you know it's amazing what's going on now and it's amazing I'm amazed by the two the two two things from this that you have to be very careful with your choice of words now what do you happen to adam richman too the food gym yeah he said something on twitter or something on instagram he said something this one is even more stupid he said he was working out and he used the hashtag this inspiration like to inspire people to get thin apparently people are using that online to be pro uh anorexia and this blogger got pissed off at him and then he he just responded like anyone would and and then travel channel they didn't cancel the show I think I think they

did push it back a little bit but it's really amazing how sensitive we are as a fucking society yeah and how uh you know we're run by corporations and they have a thin line of a thin margin and fucking uh you know when they don't like something you're fucking out you know yeah but the other thing about this whole thing that they taught me is where the fuck people's heads are and how much we become suckers like we're becoming a fucking society of suckers all weekend long I kept getting these fucking stupid tweets about you know show your support show your support let me tell you something I love Anthony and I think Anthony's a funny fucking guy I think it's a great show and they do a good job maybe in New York for a long time but there's nothing I could do

you fucking guys are impressed if somebody writes something like that that's what you're impressed you know like oh yeah I'm supporting Anthony you want to fucking support somebody going from the serious going from the serious the people that work with Anthony should say you know what we're not going fucking back to you put them on you know nothing happens to your fucking until it comes down to dull and that's when people back to fuck up what happened to operation operation what's that what happened to the operation we were going to stop corporations and people going to live outside what happened what happened what happened what happened what happened you wouldn't put away your fucking phones so the commitment was off you know you people

want to want to work on 30 commitment because somebody tweets I'm supporting him I love the fucking guy but do I have to write everything down to show my support and sell a fucking what the fuck is wrong with you people let me tell you something a couple fucking years ago a man by the name of Joe Rogan who's got a lot of motherfucking faults but he's a great guy and he's very fucking generous with his time used to go down to that comedy store every fucking week on a Friday and Saturday and do spots for free not only that he bought him a fucking silent system he bought him a fucking silent system okay 10,000, 12,000, 13,000 dollars when was the last time in a year you bought a silent system for anybody and one day he got thrown out of there

because somebody allegedly was a joke thief and he put a video I don't fucking know and who gives a fuck the moral of the story is that Friday everybody was supposed to go down there in March for him and and I'll tell you what what happened to the fucking March you know what the people who were supposed to leave Gersh two of them left Louis CK and David Tell everybody else fucking stayed well because the agent had this where was the solidarity then you see solidarity ends when it comes down to paper when it comes down to you losing paper out of your out of your fucking pocket that's when you shut the fuck up because where's your solidarity where's your fucking commitment see me I'm the different type of guy I don't give a fuck about money I was looking

for a job when I found this one and one way or another I'll go pick I'll make a fucking dollar I don't need you motherfuckers or this shit to make a fucking dollar so if I stand for somebody I go in for 100% till this day I won't step foot in a fucking comedy store Joe Rogan's not my brother or my best fucking friend in the world he loves me and I love him but it's it's the the action is louder than me I'm Twitter I'm never gonna come he said yeah I don't go to fucking kill Tonys and I love Tony Hinchcliffe and I love Red Band then my brothers but you don't see me down there in the morning that's the commitment you want to fucking you want Anthony get his job back can't see his description don't tell me well what am I gonna do about fucking Ozzie's boneyard what am I gonna

do about fucking Jim Norton I have serious too what the fuck do you want us to do so stop with the you know with the oh well if you type something that shows how much committed don't believe the hype we're a society of fucking suckers your parents are raising fucking suckers to make this fucking gullible we really are we believe anything I bet well I'm support well look at him he's so cool get a fucking together you got to hear what these people say behind closed fucking doors so just don't worry about fucking so much about saying something on Twitter that the whole thing it's the fucking actions that count if you're not gonna commit to it 150% shut your fucking mouth when you go down to serious and go you know what I'm gonna fucking put a bomb in my nutsack and

I'm gonna pull this fucking string if Anthony don't get his job back if you're not gonna do that shut the fuck up all right with your little words you people the same people I got impressed with channel son and where is he today where is he today remember how mad you guys got Jones is a pussy he won't fight him on three week notice remember remember how they all what what the fuck is he now he's not around no more but Jones still is around shut the fuck up unless you're gonna for you people get impressed by the littlest fucking things oh my god well he wrote on Twitter oh well the fuck out of here get it together get it fucking together you fucking suckers stop being a sucker or your fucking life plus this is probably the best thing that

ever happened to him he gets to have his podcast now and you know people are just so fucking was so into the words so well he said that you know oh my god he's such a good guy let me let me see him go down there and put up the fucking get us because at the end of the line this is it this is it get us how much you're putting up what are you doing oh nothing I can't quit my job I have benefits and shut the fuck up bitch let's shut the fuck up what happened to operation we're gonna take down the corporations where's the stinky basses in the tent they found out they I need to use an iPhone to take pictures of the stars you know oh my god if I see Uranus get the fuck out of here you fucking jackbobs you're all the same you're simple cut it out who gives a

fuck at the end of the fucking day Anthony will get a job and all you motherfuckers that will we love Anthony what the fuck what'd you do I want to be around will you bring it up a little bit cucksuck it's friday july 7 get it together stop being a fucking sucker all your life and believe in everything you're fucking read on twitter fucking jackbobs oh shit wash that muffler today's the day it's your lucky day get a lottery ticket do something cut second pick up the pieces do you see your eye hall speech after after you won that's pretty great who your eye hall the guy broke his toe like his speech when Joe Rogan came up to him but how if you're not following your dream you're just uh existing it's pretty cool

but somebody what will stand to be true as you used to do with me me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company that's it these motherfuckers want to see you down who gives a fuck wait and see i mean i want to be around how was your fourth my fourth was fucking great man i went to a black party in studio city with the baby and they had to eat this water thing they had a band they had a free food you know hamburgers and hot dogs and cake pie eating contest i seen dave growl down the hanging out it was very interesting

i had a great fourth of july it was really nice to stay home for two and a half weeks i did the ice house but it's time to get the fuck out of dodge just some jokes and going back on the fucking road it breaks up my week a little more you know i had a good week last week had a great time very interesting for what i spent it with them you know i watched what did you think of the fights the fights were great the fights uh ronda rousey is just unbelievable um i didn't watch bj pen i wasn't home i recorded it i watched three rounds and my heart was fucking broken really is he he lost yeah it's all over if anybody needed testosterone last night it was bj pen that's too bad you know but it's crazy how i was watching the wayans the other day you know and the fucking funny thing

is when you watch the wayans everybody on that stage is on fucking drugs really even our rianne celeste is doing something my face is changing you know dana's head's this big georogan's head's this big fratida's head's this big all you see is a fucking bunch of fucking huge heads from the fucking testosterone the only guy that's not on test is the black guy bud and fucking uh i'd maybe he's even on testosterone the guy that runs out brews buff and jumps up and down yeah everybody's on fuck even the microphone was fucking on testosterone you know everybody's on the scales on testosterone even the guy from nevada is on fucking testosterone it's it's amazing it's amazing so they have like you know it's a rampant fucking epidemic now that every guy you see and it's that

fucking and it's not listen the thing i don't even know if you go online and look at the percentages of prescriptions they've given out in testosterone in 2013 2012 it is un fucking believable it is unbelievable because it's to save all medication for older guys now it's the one now they they hooked on it they know the verbiage they know the whole fucking deal with it and you know what it fucked me up because i'm a fat dude like that fat dude shouldn't do it okay a little nerdy motherfucker it's like that half a fag in the commercial you know why you low on testosterone yeah that motherfucker he's having he was he needed a birth do you see how they can take those doing commercial though for for an over the counter testosterone thing

and i'm like that guy did so many steroids and they're having him do it you know that fucking guy dog did so many fucking things that poor guy doesn't even know who the fuck he is no more when you see him out you could tell he's as confused as fuck really i was fucking with him one time at a UFC thing i was tormenting him one time i had never met him before i had never ever ever met josecan seigel before and he happened to sit next to me with his daughter and his wife at a UFC and i started talking to him in spanish and saying you know what i mean because i had friends that used to go play basketball at his house about 15 years ago okay so i would go to miami to do comedy and the guys will always say if you want to go to consaco's and play basketball i'm not gonna

fucking consaco's to play basketball so uh i saw him at this UFC and i started busting his balls like hey how you doing you remember me conch suckling yeah you look familiar you don't remember me from miami 95 playing basketball and i started dropping names you know nick and johnny been bananas and all he's like yeah yeah how you doing man a long time and i started talking to him in cuban just fucking with him and that poor guy had no fucking idea i was just fucking with him where you're like you know remember that time we went to the fucking thing and i started doing like cocaine things like remember that time we're fucked up with your brother he's like yeah oh my god that was such a long time ago what are you talking about you fucking retard that's just the poor guy and then uh frank

mea came over who's also cuban okay frank mea looking to look at the aisle and he's like what's going on i remember saying a remark about consaco and then people started goofing on him like people started throwing shit at him and they moved them they moved him from our area i think i was with me harry and duncan it was a big UFC like one of those big uh summer ones yeah and he came in and we just started torching him it's like fucking steven suck out why he don't go to those UFC's people start yelling out i'm calling him uh who shot bobby lupo and all this shit master you know all this shit and he just you know but these guys walk into it i'm not gonna go in public if i'm one of those fucking momos i'm gonna want to shit at my fucking house i don't want people throwing popcorn at me

i didn't know consaco was that that poor guy what he's doing now wasn't he in tax trouble too probably he had tax problems so i mean he's always doing those celebrity fighting thing remember he had the reality show and he couldn't get into his house they they put a fence around his fucking house or something like that you never saw that one no yeah they did a reality show bottom for like six episodes oh that's funny that's a that's a sad fucking story man that guy i went to see him i paid money to see consaco when i got married my first time in 89 my honeymoon was in san francisco okay to go see uh the oakland a's against the fucking yankees i love baseball you know so i went he has to game and and it's amazing i listen i knew they were doing something

it doesn't take a fucking when you see somebody that big right away you know i grew up at a time was steroids are fucking big in new jersey and everybody was fucking doing them for whatever reasons that i just didn't like needles growing the fuck up you know i think i popped a couple of zanivars that they gave me one time but i i didn't i just even with the testosterone when i was doing it last year i felt weird i felt weird like i was always doing something i shouldn't have been doing do you know what i'm saying like you basically felt weird even like mentally mentally felt like i'm the type of guy snort a coke for fucking 90 000 fucking years but if i go to a doctor and he actually pulled my pants down and put a needle in my ass i felt kind of weird like

i was doing something wrong you know and i felt that way even when i was young everybody was doing steroids and i would get like a prescription anavar and i would take like three of them and lift weights and then go i don't want to be fucking yoked up people gonna know i'm doing right you know why do something that people don't i don't know i just didn't see the well say what you want about weed but let's just say for sake of argument there was a something you could take that would make you funnier when you do it i mean it's like i can see why if it was like if i wasn't allowed to take it yeah do comedy you know man listen i was a complete piece of shit when i was introduced to comedy like i i i shouldn't say it that way i was i was introduced

to comedy at a young age but in my mind morally at the time when i got into comedy i would do anything i would output a gun to your head i would break into your fucking window and granted i was robbing drug dealers and shit like that i wasn't robbing old people on the 405 when they got a flat i'm not that fucking much of a low life so when i got into comedy i looked at it as my last chance okay i really did when i got into comedy that when i thought about getting on stage and i took that course and people like you're kind of funny you should stick with this and all of a sudden life presented itself i got the biggest opportunity in life i got a divorce i had to start all over again i had no money so i had nothing to lose when you have nothing to lose

you have nothing to lose but one thing i told myself if i get into comedy i'm not involving my life into comedy okay you know what i'm saying like you know that actor that um there's an actor that plays a lot of like bad guys he was in uh usual suspects he was also in uh pulp fiction at the end he's the guy that they're gonna fucking bring rames oh yeah the blue-eyed actor like that's a guy that does drugs and he always gets arrested and sometimes don't book him in a movie and he won't make it to the movie because he's doing time okay you know i was supposed to do a movie with him and the last night they're like no he's doing 90 days for probation violation he can't get out of the half house and he's a great guy i met him at the comedy store a couple 10 15 years ago

i'm not judging him on that i'm just saying that uh i didn't want to be that guy i didn't want to be the guy that does time and then does comedy six months of the year and i didn't want to be that guy so when i decided to get into comedy i decided i made myself a personal fucking promise that i wasn't gonna involve my life into comedy like whatever i had done before comedy i wasn't gonna do it in comedy okay so if i go to a comedy club and i saw a purse with a thousand dollars in it i wasn't allowed to touch it no matter how hungry i was okay because i didn't want my character to ruin my destiny that was the first time i practiced that without even knowing it i never had known what that was i didn't learn that that saying to maybe five years ago but that's the first time

i didn't let my character ruin my destiny i said i'm not gonna fucking let my comedy get in the middle of this and then i fucked up a little bit in 97 on the road i got arrested for shoplifting a tent in boys the eye to go i was gonna return it right yeah i was gonna do the return and i got arrested and that's the first time i i uh disrespected comedy the the first time before that i disrespected comedy just to get off the fucking radar before somebody asked was i gotten to comedy jill uh june 18th of 1981 was the first time i touched the stage okay but uh may uh memorial what is it st patty's day okay of 92 was the first and last time i did blow before i got on stage and it was the last time i did it before i got on stage you don't like it no just so people know

i don't even mess with i would not do blow before i got on stage okay if i had to get on stage at 10 o'clock i would not do a line of cope trust me it would be hard but that was the discipline for me at the time even though i was a junkie okay i think in the fucking 23 years that i'd done comedy i did a line three times before i went on stage like just because like in miami after i do two shows yeah on those three shows saturdays i'd do a bump and i would just go on stage the third show and it was just people were impressed that i was that high on stage like i would get fucked up i would drink a bunch of drinks and people would send me shots and that's what the midnight show was about the midnight show wasn't about the art it was about fucking going up there and being fucked up

somebody called no i'm so weird how i never disrespected my art i never really tried to disrespect my art okay you understand me so i thought i between you and i if something could make me funny if you listen to any of my conversations you know uh i was talking to Rizzo the other night by the week ago and we were talking about when you first see the holes in your game you don't really see a lot of holes in your game in comedy till you move to los angeles you know when you're on the road and you're in seattle you're running with your peers so you're doing comedy and you're not really seeing your holes you don't see your holes and you don't feel your holes till you get squashed in between nick depolo and doug stanhope right when nick depolo

and jim gaffigan or any of those great comedians who are very good at what they do as a craft very set up punchline when you're in an orthodox comic and you're going in between them you see the holes in your game so it makes you work harder you know i'm from the matt brown institute of being funny i'm from the chris wideman institute of being funny it's about hard work i don't want to hang out at the improv and hang out with people and market myself and what do they call it network networking you have a network you network on stage right that's the best network there is you don't network with a drink in your hand and a joint in the other that's where you end up fucking dead and you get this from me who was a fucking junkie i don't believe in that shit

you don't put a joint to your lips you don't drink a beer till you got off stage there ain't no party till you get off stage when people called me on a weekend and said hi we're getting married make their tink good for you good for you i got a comedy show yeah what do you mean you're not going to come in san diego it's going to be fun everybody's going to be there i'll be there after i do a show so the first thing i'm doing i'm made 13 because i'm booking a show if nothing else happens i'll come to your stupid fucking wedding do you understand me that was my philosophy yeah everybody wants to fucking uh go to heaven but nobody wants to die that's how you do things you want to become a better fucking fucker you fuck things you want to become a better student

you study yeah when it came down to comedy i did not fuck around i sit down one hour every day and go over my notes every day at some part of the day i go to my notes i've been doing this for 20 some years i don't need to do this yeah but i need to stay current i love when a person comes up to me after a show and says joey i saw you six months ago you did 20 minutes of new fucking material that means more than me than fucking anything it's not gray day 10 o'clock the shit you put on a cv but it's getting there but at least something happened in my life yeah you know yeah and it's crazy what you said earlier is you don't see holes in your game until you move to la that's i felt that way when i was going from high school to college to do uh video stuff

in high school i won all the awards and i i was the big guy for video and then i went to college and the same thing happened from college to here like everyone's everyone's always the best in their small town but then when you go where everyone's doing like fuck they're better than i am you need to keep fucking improving keep improving you know what all right so that two weeks while they write comedy all week but i wrote the book i wrote in the book you know i'm trying to get a story ready for harry show september ninth what we're taping at the cheetah i'm writing that you know people think i go up there and wing it sometimes i love for you to think that and i thank you and i appreciate the fucking yeah i'm thinking in my mind but at the same time i go in there

prepare let's get this good morning my friend good morning joe how you doing buddy how are you my friend what's happening i haven't gotten much man it's another beautiful day the sun rose i woke up so hey it's a great day so far man scratch your balls you sniffed your fingers and you said fucking the lord libs cock suckers somebody's sucking my dick today without a condom i'm showing up with a bag of popcorn and a big dick and i got nothing but time you follow me that's it every day every day is a show man i'm so i'm so happy you call today because uh first off you're a fucking gentleman uh you're a young a young man and you're a fucking gentleman you work over here at this little vitamin store what's the name of it it's Nutrishop Nutrishop they have one in hollywood and they have

one in the valley and you know even though we're uh we're sponsored by on it i get a lot of protein powder from them i get sick of using the same protein powder so i like to switch it up so i wanted to see brett one day and he blew my mind with his fucking knowledge brett was the first guy that told me i had to eat something when i woke up in the morning brett was the first guy that told me about muscle you know you have to put muscle on to burn more fat and it's so funny brett that to you when you were telling me you know you you thought you were just talking to uh uh you know a consumer that was educated i knew nothing about this and when i left you every time i leave you i think about the people that by not going and talking to a guy like you are really

missing the fucking boat because uh you really know you know a lot of people don't get into shape and don't try to get healthy because they're scared they don't know where to start leave am i lying you don't know where to fucking start you it's like a drug it's like one night you getting on your hands and knees and going god i'm sick and tired of doing coke i'm sick and tired of getting fucked in the ass this has to fucking stop you know how do i stop doing coke and getting fucked in the ass what do i do when you go to an AA meeting you put fucking cotton balls on your you know the concept pretty well you've been there no no but you know i'm just trying to fuck around with you you know a Brett people are scared you know and how does a person in today's

society that's 60 pounds overweight and never gotten to a gym when he walks into you what do you tell oh you have to start with the basics man i mean you always have to start somewhere in life with anything you know but when it comes to uh you know your health your fitness um it's a whole consistency thing it's not something where you can gain your success in one night um you know you always start with the basics you have to start with nutrition of course that's where it starts with i always think it's 80% nutrition and 20% working out you know say if you work out five days a week for one hour a day you know you still have 23 hours left of the day to making sure you're putting the right stuff in your body so the true result factor really comes

outside the gym and that's all based on nutrition man so i'll always write out like a whole meal sheet um and it's a huge factor because you know you have height factor you have weight factors you have activity factors you know some people work uh like myself i'll work a desk job all day just pretty much uh stationary i'm not really you know running around i'm not really burning a lot of calories so maybe for someone who's uh not as active i'm not going to be having them i'm going to have a whole different type of um meal sheet that would be right now for him but now if someone is say like a ups driver who's hustling around all day totally maximizing their calorie burning depending if they're trying to lose weight or put on muscle there's a lot of different factors

of um of a person's regimen and that's what i you know that's why i always ask the questions and i try to break it down i try to make it seem overwhelming for them because there's a there's a lot you know um to know about nutrition and also about supplements but the beauty about the supplements is uh you know today in this era now we're so busy with you know family with work with hustling it's a full-time job to stay on top of your nutrition so um you know a supplement can make it very convenient very easy you can preload shaker cups with protein shakes and use as meal substitutes you can use multivitamins if you're not getting all your full servings of fruits and vegetables um and so forth but you know but at least at the nutrition shop that's you know that's

what i love is people coming in by anybody walking into that door they're already making that decision like all right i'm going to change my life you know so they've already made that decision so they have already taken that first step you know and the rest of it from that point is just the consistency and to stay motivated and that's what i always try to do too just motivate people uh whether it be uplifting their spirits um um you know i always keep in touch with my customers you know through via email or uh i always give them my personal number so if they're out and about many of questions they can always contact me i'll try to make it as easy as possible because a lot of people do you lose the uh that that motivation that that that drive to make them feel you know good because

it could be discouraging you know when you don't feel results right away so so you always got to stay motivated and stay connected with the people and things that make you feel motivated too you know let me ask you this i have a big question for you here why is it so important to remember that day i was in there and your and the owner of the store was there and we were having the conversation the thing he stressed was eating something immediately when you woke up right well hey that's why they call it breakfast because you break the fasting of sleeping you know when you wake up you got to get your muscles first off out of that ketosis state you know that catabolic state because you know safety starts from you know six to eight hours

which most of us only sleep really only like five to six hours um you know you're pretty much fasting you know so when we wake up uh right when you put your feet on the floor your metabolism it's revving up so right away your body's looking for energy to burn um you know if if you're not getting food into your body you know you're not nourishing the muscles so therefore now your metabolism is attacking that muscle and storing more fat so you got to get those muscles on lockdown so right when you wake up you need a good source of protein um and even some light carbs too because our bodies burn carbohydrates for energy expenditure throughout the day but but most importantly you need the protein to help protect the muscle

um think of it as like i'm trying to think of an analogy here uh think of it if i put like a piece of uh filet mignon and a piece of fat in front of you joe which which one are you gonna go for man the filet mignon that's it baby that's it that's the same way it is with our bodies you know we have we have muscle we have fat in our body and our metabolism it doesn't want the fat because no fat protects your organs and there's no good quality energy and fat you know that metabolism is going to go after that filet mignon that muscle so you got to get that muscle on lockdown with amino acids with protein you know once you get that muscle on lockdown now you're going to be forcing your metabolism just to to pack into that body fat you know that's why it's important to

eat first thing in the morning now you know for somebody who's trying to lose weight you see you go to a gym you do the stand master the epileptical what the fuck you do you run your job you swim uh why do i see people with cups and they drink something before they work out and then they drink something immediately before they work out if i'm trying to lose weight do those protein shakes affect me would they affect like the ones that i take with you when i switch off from on it like i'll do the uh hemp force and then i'll do the protein shake you give me the synthesis uh it's two scoops it's 300 calories you know so if you're on weight washes it's basically five points you know so it's not that bad it's zero carbs uh do i drink one of those before i go to the gym

well for someone who's um say if you're um you know you're 30 or 40 or you're maybe even 50 pounds over weight and you're really just trying to lose body weight you're not so much focused on on on muscle but if you're really trying to lose the weight i mean some protein shakes you make some people feel a little bloated it can make them feel a little heavy uh so some people will go into the gym uh doing fasted cardio which is pretty much they're just going into the gym on an empty gut but but thing is is you never want to work out on a totally empty system so that's why a lot of people like that colored drink that you'll see people sipping on will usually be like you know bcaa's which are branch chain amino acids those also have like electrolytes antioxidants in them so

at least this way the amino acids which are pretty much building blocks of muscle you know that'll help safeguard their muscles so when they go in and do fasted cardio they're just dropping body weight they're not also experiencing muscle loss with it because we you know we all want to lose weight but we don't want to lose our muscle weight you know either and um you know and you know going into the gym on an empty stomach first thing right in the morning you know a lot of people don't have that um they don't have the energy you know so a lot of people use those pre-workout supplements you know it's stimulant base you know some are more like ginseng b12 from like mood enhancement natural energy for those that may be sensitive to caffeine at least that'll give you some some

energy some drive just to kind of get through your workout a little bit more effectively you know now uh what about the after shake how come that's so important well whether you're doing you know weights whether you're cardio you know you're wearing a tear on your body I mean when you're in the gym you know you're not growing you know you're you're actually breaking down your body your muscles even with cardio you're working your lower extremities your legs which are you know your biggest muscle group in your body so you know the protein is because it is like a band-aid you know to put on your muscles after a hard workout helps your body bounce back a lot faster um you know even with cardio you can still be feeling that soreness

that achingness factor which can carry through your day to be a pain in the butt too um something I can really recommend is glutamine glutamine takes precedence over all the amino acids that are out there and that's something that you can actually use with your protein post workout which is after and that'll help eliminate that soreness by like 80 85 percent it's huge um so the last thing you want to do is to be feeling all sore and achy and then you know go into the gym the next day and break down your muscle all over again you know that's the last thing you want you're just gonna be spinning your wheel so it's all about how you're bouncing back from your workouts and um and after that after that workout you have that little a little anabolic window so you know the

sooner the better think of it as like if you cut yourself you know we start bleeding out you know but the world stops we put a band-aid on it immediately the same kind of concept you know you break down the body you want to make sure you're nourishing it with you know protein and amino acids set and set an immediate band-aid post workout uh my buddy the Flying Jew aka Lisa at he's staring at me all stone and shit oh yeah he just started a little exercise program and I know that he's having a great time I could see it in his face that he's uh you know lead likes to stay inside and lay in the bed and get his balls licked like the rest of America and he's good time we have any questions I have a bunch of questions so and and I got I'm not attack

I had a fucked up weekend with it so I have I have like a bunch of questions ran down so everything you just said is great but like let's say we went next door and there was an identical store and there's an identical you he might say something completely different like the exact opposite of what you said I went online and I just put in best diet and I got like the US news 2014 top diets there were 31 top diets with eight diet groups and they reviewed 42 diets like well if you go to a doctor with a broken arm for the most part they're going to do the same thing like why are there so many different varying and when I first started this I put this on Twitter and one person would say high protein one person would say low protein look no carbs one person

would say a lot of carbs a lot of protein like why are there so why you know that like lose weight do this like why like why is it so many different opinions on it all right well it's you're totally right man totally right it's uh we live in such a big market not only with you know supplements but also with knowledge and certain levels of education um you know I mean your last five years it's been it's crazy I've been in the market for about eight years and it's just in the last five years it's just been crazy how it's just blowing up the supplements and the saturation of marketing so you kind of have to you know do your own due diligence really and I tell everybody it's a big experiment but you go back to the basics remember I was growing up in school we'd always

have that little food pyramid you know the carbs the protein the good fats and that's it that was like the foundation of life you know yeah so I always try I always try to go back to the basics go back to the roots um but then they just change the food pyramid like in the last couple of years didn't they just change the food pyramid even that you can't even that there's people fucking around with of course well I mean well nowadays with you know supply and demand um you know you know the way our food is you know our fruits our vegetables aren't even as uh you know clean as it used to be you know with all the pesticides you know in our foods and the hormones that they put in our meat you know I'm sure the food pyramid has changed over the last decade with the serving amount I

remember when it used to be like three to five servings of fruits and vegetables you know now I remember it went up to five to seven and now it's up to nine to fourteen so you know it's unfortunate that way and that's the beauty about some supplements too is even if you can't get it from whole foods at least like some free drized uh condensed down into powdered fruit and green supplements are actually a lot I would say cleaner than you're actually getting fruit and vegetables in a produce store oh wow okay so here here's the one that I almost burned down at Trader Joe's weekend so I swear to god so I went out with my girlfriend to dinner and we're gonna go home and watch the fights and I wanted to get some snacks I went into Trader Joe's which you would think

is going to be healthy and we walked around and a regular size bag of trail mix which is nuts which is what they tell you to eat you look at like I'll you look at the calories and I know that some people tell you calories are all of it but that's I just started so I'm focusing on calories right now but when I looked a regular size bag it wasn't even like a family size bag had 17 serving uh servings in the bag like so it's like how like how is that even and this isn't really for you but like how is that legal how if a serving size should be a bag a half a bag a regular size bag I went yesterday to the grocery store and a bag of gummy bears had six servings in it and it's a bag that people are going to eat in two minutes like how is that even like is that it like how like how do

you when you when you're trying to lose weight like how do you tell people because calories are a big thing that's the first thing you think about to to have less of and when they fuck you with you with the serving sizes it just like it's it seems like they're trying to like stop you before you even get started but not terribly or Brett let me tell you something guys you know why there's more fucking diets than ever why so we give ourselves more excuses yeah okay we all know the diet you need you to push yourself away from the table you can't eat ice cream no matter what the serving size is yeah you know what I'm saying we know as Americans you fucking know okay when you wake up in the morning you can't eat three eggs six loads of fucking bread and six cans of coke

you could eat an egg a little fucking apple and some fruit that you know and mix it up a little bit we all know the answer Brett but the reason why there's 52 fucking diets is so we have 52 fucking excuses to fail it's amazing it's fucking amazing you know we also had Mike Dolce on who trains fighters you know he's got a couple very successful books and they're very interesting diets if you like that type of food but nine out of fucking 10 savages that weigh 800 pounds don't eat chia seeds and they're never gonna fucking like fucking chia seeds okay okay they got to be 800 pounds because they don't fucking like broccoli with fucking cauliflower on it so you have to find the substitute Brett as Americans and we're stuck and there's an answer you know what I started

this whole thing when I was 418 pounds right I let myself go with the sleep apnea and the drugs over the years and the binge eating and one day I woke I went to a Y and I didn't even have three minutes a cardio at 0.5 on a treadmill I have no reason to lie to America or you Brent and I had to quit the cigarettes and quit the blow and walk around the fucking neighborhood and you know embarrassed to not you know I'm going to pool I would never wear a shirt on that's even more embarrassing show those titties if you're gonna jump in the pool show those titties cock sucker they got hair on them so fucked you know and I went to Weight Watches Brent and as gay and as as woman as it sounds I dropped 118 fucking pounds and I all I did every day Brett I swear to God was hit the bag at the

YMCA I started at three or four minutes and then get on the bicycle I get on the bicycle now and I want to puke because after an hour you burn 60 fucking calories but you get on the elliptical and you burn 500 calories in that same hour yeah so the bike doesn't work for a guy like me no more but I found that through experimenting you know for the last six months I put on weight every week between the kettlebells and the protein powder and and I spoke to a friend of mine he goes I just want you to do jujitsu for two weeks drink your protein watch it die don't eat your breads I've lost eight pounds I've only been to jujitsu two times a week and I went to the epileptical and hit the punching bag so I was overworking myself Brett I was working five days a week and gain

a fucking weight the kettlebells I think whenever I touch anything with metal on it I put weight on it just makes me automatically fucking hungrier I think and every time of course yeah every time I touch a metal in the back of my mind means oh I got permission to eat a stick you know yeah well think of it think of it too man is you know when you start lifting anything with metal it's got weight distribution to it so weight will break down your muscle more aggressively than just doing regular cardio you see so and then we all have different you know genetic makeup and hereditary dispositions so you know say for some people that lift weights they can put on muscle very quickly versus someone else you know so that could just be your genetic makeup but when you start lifting

weights your muscles just respond to that you know so you know like you said it's an experiment you have to run through for yourself I've spoken to people for years I had a friend in Syracuse that told me fruit is the worst thing you could eat this guy looked behind the face and argued I didn't eat I didn't get involved in the argument because I kept thinking to myself I've never seen nobody 800 pounds eating an apple on television saying that he needs help yeah you know what I'm saying I can't stop eating oranges I'm 800 fucking pounds you know it's so weird you know what man I find myself losing weight when I interrupt my day with fruit last night my wife bought a she bought something oh she buys those cheese puffs for this baby I gotta tell you something those Captain Booty

cheese puffs they can replace a blow job I got a good ring to it yeah oh my god Pirates booty that's really good they replace a blow job if you're warmed up and you want somebody to lick your balls do me a favor go to Rob's and buy the Pirates booty cheese puffs sit there put your favorite tv show on eat a handful and you won't know it is one bag 10 servings uh something like a lot of it but Pirates booty actually looked not bad it's not bad my wife gets them for the baby because of that reason it's like a handful is 80 calories whatever it was but I went for the Pirates booty and I go I ate a banana first and I ate half a fucking cantaloupe and I only ate three Pirates booties instead do you understand me dog so you gotta cut deals with yourself it's about sacrifice also I would

love to eat that whole bag of Pirates booty oh god yeah a couple weeks ago I ate a pot cookie and I went home my wife woke up the next month she goes where's the fucking cheese puffs I go I'm on my way to get another two bags I destroyed it last night because I can't believe you ate the baby's fucking cheese puff I go don't tell me say something to the fucking pot cookie oh my god uh no it's nutrition uh listen for years I thought running up hills and shit you can run up all the fucking hills you want everybody knows you're absolutely right it's 80 percent nutrition until you start cutting the mayonnaise out and uh putting away that bag of chips and uh you know that's when things start happening but again Brett we live in a society that nobody wants to take responsibility for

anything right you know nobody wants to uh really what would you think with what your products that you have done I take a lot of your products and I'm very happy with them I love the glutacore you know if I uh before I go to I was taking it after my workouts and still being sore and I want to go on and curse you out but it wasn't until I started drinking them at night and replacing them as a meal that I really started feeling the effects of the glutacore great you know before I hit the crib a little milkshake I wake up feeling like fucking you know Johnny bananas yeah well you know when you're sleeping you're that's when your body's you know you know most of effectively when it's really repairing itself for juvenating is during your sleep cycle so that's

great time to use a you know protein glutamine supplement but you know this is just like in the food industry you know in the supplement industry is a huge market so you know I mean my products are great I stand by my products but it's just because over the years I've done a lot of due diligence and a lot of comparing to different products and actually you have to do with with food and even with supplements is just compare supplement facts and everything will have a supplement fact on the back if it does if over I'm sorry if it doesn't then I wouldn't buy it you know but you always want to have um that comparison of supplements uh just to compare apples to apples and you just want to try to find the most effective the most cleanest uh product that could best suit

your um you know the goals that you're shooting for right well we always have this conversation and you're very good explaining it but I want you to explain you know like I said to you when I spoke to you I want you to talk to me the way you speak to your customers because you're a beautiful person man I've watched the way you handle different customers and I'll tell you there's most days that if you I had your job I know you want to get in the car at the end of the day and shoot up the 405 and jump off a cliff but you've never given me that appearance I've seen you early in the morning and you've always been a gentleman and I've seen you at 7 30 at night after a long day and you've always taken your time to speak to people and uh if somebody comes in to

see you we always talk about protein powders and you broke it down for me last week about why your protein powder is a little better with the whey protein and it's uh what was the word time released right that you use it's more of a blend there's a something such a huge market for proteins I mean that's the most popular thing you know whether whatever goal that you're trying to get again it goes back to that basic that you know that little food pyramid you know you always want you know a good protein in your diet you know um but um you know a lot of proteins out there you know first off and a lot of fillers just even like in food you know a lot of these it'll stay like you know the supplement facts and then there'll be a little description of saying other

ingredients and it's like a paragraph long of like all these fillers of you know more salt sodium you know potassium iodines and all this other just don't that shouldn't really be in um you know protein it should just be protein you know it should be simple you know a lot of a lot of proteins have gluten a lot of them have sugars um a lot of them have a lot of uh even sodium it'd be like four to six hundred milligrams of sodium per serving which is salt so that could cause excess bloating so you know just it all depends what you're really trying to do but um but the protein that you're on the pro five I mean that's still a phenomenal product you know it's just you just always want to look at you know the calorie you know the fat the saturated fats the sodium

the sugars um you know and also the ingredient list making sure you're not taking in all this extra gunk you know words that I can't even pronounce you know you know it's funny I went to Burke Rice's for a party about a month ago he has a friend that was trying to put together a company you know he fell in love with a young girl and sometimes when you meet a young girl they talk you into bad fucking ideas and he got talked into an idea to put money up for a protein ice cream bar and when I first saw him like a year ago he was very gung-ho and blah blah blah blah blah blah and he was jumping up and down and he was counting his money already and when I just saw him recently it was just him and I for a couple split second I go how you doing how's the business

and he goes I never ever ever was more baffled by the vitamin and supplement business he goes you know when you get a protein powder it's amazing how much garbage there is in there he goes and I'm finding out that you know the same thing goes with these ice cream bars that when I go to make them the people that do all the specialty stuff are like you know what you don't need all this shit they'll pay for it even with this shit in it it's amazing and he was surprised how many scams there are and how many uh but there's some companies like yours that really believe in it listen man uh people have to see results you know it's always funny if you look on I have what do I have google one of those pages uh what's the other one Lee that I have yahoo

okay if you look at yahoo they have all these results like all these stories you know uh Frankie Edgar knocks out BJ Penn somebody uses the n-word for Obama you know today if you but if you scroll down there'll be an ad by GNC let's say that's promoted by GNC they just bought an ad but you don't see it and it said you know something about read what everybody's talking about this pill they have that's gives you more oxygen and all this shit and it's amazing how much media is involved in the market you know when I was a kid you had Joe Weeder you're a young man Lee's a young man when I was a young man if you wanted to get in shape you bought muscle and fitness and your brother home and there was one company yeah it was Joe Weeder his company also put the

fucking magazine out so it was like stealing it's like you know what I'm saying I mean if you think about all the fucking big companies that's it this is the same thing they do it's a magazine that entices they hire readers that that the thought they're all in the same bed but Joe Weeder put together a nasa tolling claw line that was a fat burner 30 years ago you know people were actually going I remember I remember going to dinner with guys in high school at the time I weighed 200 pounds and they probably weighed 260 270 they were huge and they beat in calamari with hot sauce dip in bread in the hot sauce and after the dinner they popped three Joe Weeder fat burners and I'd say what did you just eat and they go fat burns this calamari's gonna disappear and I would

fucking how I would fucking how even at 18 I wasn't a nutritionist I was just some young coked up criminal and I would sit there I would sit there at the table and go you actually believe that if you eat so I go what is the dosage it goes they say to pop two every four hours so we pop four since we're a little more so you actually believe they're americans that actually believe that there's fucking fat burners Brett there are americans that believe that if they pop a pill before they eat they go to fucking burger king they will lose weight well like mentioned then it's it's that um it's that it's that it's that advertisement man it's that um it's just one of those other 52 ways to make a spale it's it's part of that saturation of the marketing you know

hey take a pill lose weight the easy way out that's what everybody wants of course anybody we're human of course we want the easy way you know it's you know but you know it's uh yeah you have to look past the saturation of the marketing and the advertisements because uh and even more so than nowadays I mean Joe I mean you tell us I mean back in your day I mean was there was was it so saturated with with marketing because I mean even nowadays man it's crazy because even in the middle of the night if I'm just kind of flipping through the channels I mean I've noticed commercials are long as heck if I'm watching a little tv series or something these commercials are longer than the tv series and when I was a kid growing up commercials were only on for maybe a

minute minute and a half and now they're exceeding to like four minutes and and they're always hitting us with like buy this consume this have this you need this more stuff be happier you know and they cock block fat people at night you're sitting there you get your feet up you already know you're a fat fuck nothing's gonna change you got your fucking stool up you're scratching your nuts you got chips ahoy you got a 64 rounds coke and all of a sudden they got some skinny guy doing fucking px 90 at 2 30 in the morning some black dude that fucks the white chicks at the gym they're all laying they're all fucked out because if they like to use a fucking company they know this we know that it's from joe smol was just sitting on his couch chilling at 2 in the morning i'll buy

that 82 dollars number two years ago the shaker every fat dude bought the shaker listen you've been drinking martinis for 20 years you didn't lose a fucking ounce now you want to shake up a fucking shaker that's gonna make you fucking lose weight people will do anything to avoid what the road is do you see they brought back the little thing that you put around your stomach and it like shakes yeah they brought that back i saw a commercial for it like did you think about buying it all right that's true i you know what i wish there was a pill i would be the first one to take it but there ain't no fucking pills there ain't nothing you gotta walk you gotta drink water you know i didn't drink water for 20 years i thought water was like fucking evil

like if i went to your house and you offered me a glass of water i'd never come back like well we don't have wires choose to coat what happened what happened the dollar store is out of fucking pineapple juice get your shit together bread it's uh always a pleasure to go to the store and talk to you where you located tell these fucking chinooks well the shop i work at is uh it's in north hollywood it's uh 48 44 uh lancershin boulevard it's like right there in the noho district um you're next to what i work at you're next to the fucking uh the the theater there used to be a russian weed store there they're done the fucking theater with the ball had a guy with a bunch of people now friday night's late night fucking doing fucking project

you're next to that fucking condom supermarket i love them they just that's all and then we're also uh go go figure right across the street from a kfc so you have a little test you can either you know go across the street uh be healthy or you got the kfc right across the street and that's crazy because the word on the street is i don't need kfc but the word on the street is that's the worst kfc in the history of fucking like the one that people fat people get together and they're like that's the worst kfc you gotta go to the one up on level kang in there that's a good power that's pop eyes that's where they go because somebody was telling me no no fuck that kfc that's a nasty one that's a good neighborhood where we're at they're gonna they're trying to

build up north hollywood i love it i love living in this side of town i love going on lancasham and i love stopping in by you and uh like i said if you guys are looking to change your life and you know you want to talk to somebody just about your little supplements like you said it's 80 percent fucking diet you know and i'm i'm guilty for it as much as anybody else you know i go to eat with my wife and the baby next you know i'm tasting their macaroni and cheese next thing you know i'm stealing something now i'm like i'm fucked for a dick yeah that goes eight wait watch your points i'm fucking done you know what i'm saying but uh it all starts with nutrition and brent i'm happy that you took the time to call in today i know you sleep till about fucking 730

you're a young man you're out late you're out late dressed up in white slinging dick i saw your facebook picture oh shit you went to fucking vegas dressed in white like fucking hechtelavu in 76 did you have white shoes on the boot yeah you gotta you gotta have uh yeah still be all color coordinated you're a bad motherfucker let me tell you something man uh i was a fucked up kid so i know when somebody's fucked up when they're young you're a nice young man man you got a great life out of you thank you very much for taking the time mr. tack to call in and lee any last questions you're gonna go see brent yeah can i ask one more question no no yeah you can ask them what you fucking want all right so uh i know cooking for yourself is better but i know there's a lot of

guys like me who aren't aren't really into cooking so i've been looking for restaurants to go to and on Lancashire there's a skinny kitchen i found over the weekend there's a place called chop stop at the salads are those places actually good like when you see like low calorie or at like chilies when they have like a light menu is that stuff like is that helping us at all or is that just marketing and it's not doing shit you know what it's uh this is just my opinion man i mean i have a lot of customers that go to that skinny kitchen yeah i love it um now i've never personally been there so i can't have any say in it but uh but i mean i've seen their menu because a customer actually had a marketing guy bring in um one of their little like catering menus so i was kind of

looking over doing some known due diligence and it looks pretty legit okay um and again i've got a lot of great feedback from customers yeah it's delicious but i'm not right now not not to now that i know the skinny kitchen is kind of like a little mom-pop kind of shop you know i'm saying um but now and i'm not out to diss anybody but you know like a chilies or uh say uh applebees i mean these are more like corporate chains that do a lot of marketing these are the chains that you would see on television you know um and that's what they put a lot of their money into the marketing so you know i think this you know maybe lower calorie lower carb type of thing may not be as um i may not be as truthful maybe like a mom and

pop i would put a little bit more trust into a little mom-pop shop of people who have a little integrity of just you know trying to you know run a successful business uh you know you know i'm saying and you know first like a corporate you know ran restaurant chain okay putting all their money into the marketing and the advertisement you know i'm saying okay yeah um but but but bottom but bottom line nothing beats not only price of just going out and buying your own food and then just cooking it there at home because any restaurant you really go to they're gonna put something in it that's gonna entice you to make it you know taste good they're gonna want to get addicted to it so you come back and buy more yeah you know so um so it's always the cleanest

alternatives just to go buy your own food cook it at home um that's the cleanest alternative and they're also saving a lot of money yeah just buying your own food you know they really jack up the price i was i bought a whole bunch of hundred calorie treats yesterday they really jack up the price for the healthy stuff and it's like absolutely and there's there was a commercial on get any any drink any size at mcdonald's for a dollar and then my girlfriend and i stopped at seven eleven to get waters for the gym it was three bucks for two waters it's like what the why am i paying for two waters and 99 cents for 10 gallons of soap even the water business is starting to get suspect to me the last couple years yeah well where did they know this clean water from where the

fucking they get the other spot the fucking water from all of a sudden there's a fucking lake and everybody's jumping up and down and the dolphins are clean you know you gotta fucking i went to malibu yesterday when you jump out of the ocean there's a hazmat guy there now my wife got tired on her foot last week it's still on there you understand me that's the fucking sad that's Don and Malibu i swear to god i smelled like i had a thousand odors on me yesterday oil bodies new warlings japanese radiation sushi pussy i smelled like a fucking clam i hugged the kid when we got home we all went in the fucking shower like a family i'm fucking believable you where they getting all this clean mountain fucking water from i want to see this fucking mountain

you're borrowing the source yeah i want to see this fucking mountain that we're paying a dollar for by the way that fucking water you guys sell it's very fucking good and again i don't believe nothing i don't believe periodicals or testimonials or nothing you know in the old days people show up with a bag of coke with a purple thing oh it turned purple must be good coke give me a yack of that motherfucker if my eyeball ain't spinning it ain't fucking good all right so i took the water in jiu-jitsu last tuesday i was doing backflips i was doing all my plot that you should have seen me i was johnny on the spot i had oxygen i didn't drink the water on wednesday i took a fucking a heart you know the little wonder the little dollar a day that you take for your heart i wanted

that just to thin the blood out it wasn't the same that water is pretty good that p3 water that fucking thing marky wallberg put together with i don't know who his partner is again where he find this fucking water everybody's finding this fucking water and guys is i see nothing i see i see puddles with fucking bird shit in it i love you brent go see this guy over at nutria what is it again my brother yeah yeah nutria shop go see him he's knowledgeable and most important he's a gentleman you know like i tell people all the time bret everybody's got protein powders everybody's got water everybody's got cups it's the customer service and when it comes to that you're the top man thank you very much for being you and for being a great little young christian young man i love

you cocksucker i like how you use christian and cocksucker in the same set what are you gonna do we're all sinners and cocksuckers listen some chicks suck your dick really good right you swap and spit with it what she just suck a dick on seven and she left right now you're a cocksucker by proxy so at the end of the day what sinners and cocksuckers all of us who gives a fuck i love you hey i love you too jim that's always good talking to you man i'll see you too i'll see you this week buddy all right buddy take care what lee what what lee did you learn something yeah i did the fact that you're not selling a button that says i'm a cocksucker by proxy is a shame let me explain some to you yeah when your chick sucks your dick wait me that's the first dick she sucks yeah

cocksucker so what the fuck there you are mopping it up without the horror movie like you're in love you know it's like that movie as good as it gets he's licking the dog and the guy goes where did you find them eating some fucking dirty diaper there you are swapping the spit with your dog like fucking your fucking Romeo and Juliet you know i'm saying get it together it's monday cocksuckers july the 7th who the fuck are you kidding the party's over it's a monday you got a second chance to do whatever the fuck you want to do you want to be a lawyer fucking go down to usc lie to him i don't give a fuck tell him right i'm fucking mexican i don't give a fuck i want to learn the law where's thomas jefferson that let me talk to that motherfucker who's running shit in this

fucking place okay you want to be a fucking jew whatever you want to be today is the day become a jew become a jew fucking tell him i suck your dick put a yamak on well you don't need to get ordained we gotta go somewhere oh yeah you're a jew now it's the same thing just make yourself a jew you're up like donald sterling with an envelope black people love you everybody loves your filipino let me give a shout out to some beautiful fucking people here this chibichu is kicking in oh do they get a shout out huh they should get a shout out for that oh yeah yeah yeah yeah my man nate molly loves you cocksuck i know what your fucking problem is stop moping around the house get it together grab your balls stick a finger up your ass tell molly to suck the juice out of

that fucking love stick it's over lawn rosencur you know i love you baby i see you're hanging in there jose gamma you bad motherfucker toking lair i can't wait to see in vegas in two weeks cocksucker the real scuba steve rise dude christopher santiago listen i got some fucking people sent me some product i like those hit little fucking cigarettes if you want to talk about sponsorship i'll help you out i really enjoyed those little hit cigarettes you know i'm saying they were very nice there's 12 000 fucking hits per cigarette oh i don't know i get like two days out of a blue there's an e-cigarette i dug your product thank you very much it's sent to me also a wax pen sent me some fucking wax pens i tell you what i like about them i can put some fucking weed in it too so it takes the

weed it takes the fucking wax i want to give you a shout out waxy pen they sent me some extra coils you some bad motherfuckers up there thank you very much i'm giving them out at the fucking uh at the free fucking podcast and i gave one over to the girl at the weave store by my house you know i'm saying so don't don't forget about nothing just because you sent me something don't mean i ain't here for you what lee what what cocksucker look at you i gave you 10 milligrams of a chibo chew it is kicking in and you ain't complaining but it's good no you feel good i can tell sometimes you're red in the face i don't know this is you look like jesus before they stabbed them well yeah when you give me my second green horn another night i kind of you gotta do it you fucking

sacrifice and listen man when you're a christian or a fucking catholic what do they call you a sinner we ain't sinners we're fucking cocksuckers here at the church and what's happening now you swap spit with the chicks you suck the cock you swap spit with it fucking you got cooties now we all just hit them with a shot of that cock breath right back at you you know what i'm saying what else is going on just because we had Nutri shop on listen man everybody's got a good product and it goes behind it the reason why i deal with honor is the same reason they got a good product every time i hit ricardo with a question over there boom i got an answer back that's the most important fucking thing to me it's customer service customer satisfaction yesterday somebody hit me

when they downloaded the cd it didn't work boom i said to lee lee takes care of it we don't fuck around and then we don't need your fucking five hours i want you to be happy you understand me i don't want you fucking fire i want you to be happy cocksucker with anything whether it's the podcast whether it's with lee whether it's so that's i just want you to be happy that's customer service that's something that nobody pays you to do that's something you have to have in your heart when you look at something you go i hope you're happy with what happened dawg when i showed you a coke rock it was a fucking coke rock okay that's all i got to say that's customer fucking service same thing stands with honor they don't fuck around if you want supplements go to somebody

else if you want optimization you go to fucking honor you want to be the best animal you could you want to be thinking on 15 fucking cylinders you pop a couple of those alpha brains you jerk off and you smoke a fucking number and you leave the house you see how clearheaded you are you're not walking around all fucked up with that lump scum in your fucking sack all throwing your off it throws your equilibrium off you take some alpha brain alpha brain don't fuck around if it don't change your life it doesn't make you feel better and clint send it back we got a money back guarantee no questions asked one time only don't do it tight squares we'll send somebody down there stabbing the fucking net go to on it they got the kettle bells they got the shroom tech they got the coral

fuck i'm telling you guys the digest enzymes they got the testosterone booster when it comes to your fucking health and health optimization and you you're getting fucking tremendous fucking what's the word i'm looking for here results from your workouts go to fuckingonnet.com go to joeydears.net order a g-patch why are you there go to on it order something from them say 10% what are you putting the box you put in church church ch u r c h it don't take no spelling bee fucking champion to let you know that one ball sniffers on it go there right now why fuck around and we gotta have this conversation every day the same thing with hulu fucking plus.com my wife lives on fucking hulu i don't even know what shows she watches shows plural you understand me shows

plural that's what hulu plus got to you you think i'd be fucking around with hulu plus this long if they weren't the shit eight what seven ninety nine a month sat really why are you sitting there looking around like a fucking like one of jerry's kids on a bus ride you're sitting there looking around like on a bus ride what the fuck's the matter you get it together can't you write that one down jerry's kids on a bus ride i like that one anyway the same thing hulu plus don't fuck around so what are some of the shows they have they have all they have a ton of kids shows they have bops burgers if you if you miss like a lot of people can't don't stay up late for the like the nightly shows if it's a night show they have all that stuff and they put it on the next day next day

who do you think you're fucking you wake up it's there boom hulu plus for all your shows listen i'm gonna give you two weeks for free two weeks mother fuckers you don't get that from the tv ad two weeks nobody gives you that shit when was the last time you went you get your dick sucked and they said well we'll give you a dick sucking you nothing you gotta got you gotta pay first with me two weeks for free seven ninety nine a month you go to the hulu plus dot com box and what do you press you put joey joey joey y joey y that's the code to get you two weeks for free and after that seven ninety nine a month for fucking everything you see on tv at the fucking at your fingertips you understand me at your fingertips you can watch this stuff you go watch it binging you know what

i'm saying you have to sit there and watch one episode at a time we ain't got time for that shit you wait till you get six of them you smoke two fucking joints you tell mama to bend over you eat that ass you sit back boom and you watch your six episodes like a gentleman go to the box today hulu plus dot com and press joey joey y and why are you at it why are you walking right everybody wants to be for dubcast really everybody wants to walk around like with a beard it's been my dream like we had a fucking revolution going on or something shave that fucking thing it's like wearing sunglasses i can't see the real you we want to see the real you motherfucker between the beard the tattoo the swat stick on your forehead you're gonna get 70 fucking years eventually you gotta

accessorize that's right you gotta accessorize cocksucker dollar shave club sharpen up one dollar six dollars and nine dollars a month every month delivered right to your door on it too they'll deliver shit right to your fucking door it's called stay on it they do the same shit dollar shave club you get four razors sent to your door every fucking month you're gonna leave the house you don't gotta stand a pharmacy where's your card where's your customer gratitude fuck customer pay for a bag yeah you want to pay for a bag one dollar six dollars and nine dollars for one dollar you get four single blades for six dollars you get four double blades for nine dollars you get four double blades with the aloe strip makes your face nice to get the one white

charlie's for your asshole you pop them in your ass you pop counterclockwise or the other way your fucking muffler is spotless when people sniff your asshole they're like where were you where the fuck have you been eating peppermint patties your whole life dollar shave club dot com why fuck around also to my main man jeremy at escape pod tank dot com if you want to save thousands thousands not fucking a couple yardsticks thousands on a fucking at a floatation floatation tank for your house business whatever the fuck you want to do they just got the just the what's the name of the just a tank model just a tank model you save a hundred and fifty dollars but joey i don't have two or three g's financing is available go to escape pod tank

dot com go to the pages and 800 number call jeremy or answer all your questions he knows about fucking everything tell him what he knows about his old questions everything answer all your fucking questions got all the answers for you plus he'll save you money which is what this podcast does shop around i don't give a fuck put escape pod tank to the fucking test i fucking dare you you're gonna save a buck fifty off the just a tank model and 250 just for dropping the name flying jew fucking jews spakes joey dears boom you get 250 dollars or who gives you that type of love in your life i don't want on a fucking monday nobody cocksucker that's why we're here so what do you got planned for today lisa yeah well i'm gonna work out um what time are you doing this i was

gonna go after this because i'm pretty high um but i didn't bring shorts like it's off to go home we'll work out how short you bring for the gym you get nice little tight shorts boys no i like i like the gym shorts i like having pockets i always feel like an asshole because you can't carry a wallet without pockets you bring your wallet to the gym no but like later on we're like i just i always put the fucking wallet it's on the it's in the locker put don't put it in your locker that's why i used to make most of my scams and then you said i had a kid that would lock up your boy would watch you get to know he worked at the gym and when you walked in they don't ever bring your fuck all you got to bring into the gym is your fucking ipod don't bring your phone in

there he ain't nobody gonna die well i'll get it together stupid because then you accept phone calls i want you to be fresh when you're in there i want your mind to be thinking about the future what jokes you're gonna write what are you gonna do when you lose this way how you're gonna be at the beach fucking slinging dick with mexican women you know what helps and i'm gonna have to start bringing my ipad is movies on the elliptical makes it go by like nothing that's tremendous just focus on what i want you to go there and clean up that fucking head of yours look at that you're the only jew you got no gel on your hair i want you to clean up what's in the coconut don't worry about the fucking movies just put music on i want you to think i want you to think of how we could

do the podcast how you could write jokes how you can make your dick bigger don't worry about the entertainment he wants to bring a magazine what are you gonna read this ain't no fucking library this is the gym the rocky robbo will read when he was at the gym uh so weird you see some you see rocky barbo watching an ipad at the gym fuck no he you focus on the journey ahead of you i want you to be there no i'm there don't fuck around here i want you to be there i take the ipod like i go back i go back to my weaknesses i think of a time when it was fucking dark and i try to get myself out of that i bring myself to emotion sometimes i drive myself to fucking the emotion why being stuck there again and how i felt and how people walking around feeling sometimes

because the only way for me to do this podcast and really for me to get through these people is to bring myself there to prove to you motherfucker is that you could be somewhere dark and within 10 minutes you can have light in your fucking life it's not gonna always be dark you're gonna have darkness but when you go to work out i want you to think of your life i want you to fuck all that movies in because then you're not you're not thinking about what you're doing i want you to 33 minute mark i want you to look at the clock and go i got 27 minutes left fuck that fucking cheeseburger fuck that fucking slice of pizza now you don't want because sometimes you go to the gym and we go if i go to the gym i'm gonna eat that cookie yeah and when you're

into 33 million you're huffing and puffing and that salty sweats going in your eyeballs right and you're tasting you can smell the odor coming up from you i smell like an old man have you smelled me lately i haven't i smell like an old man it's disgusting you know and i want you to think and sometimes like i said i think back when i'm 27 because i want to think about leaves going through right now sometimes i go back to when i'm 25 i go to 1988 and i think back to what the fuck was i going through boy was i fucking scared boy that i not believe i could do anything that i really had in my mind that i was a piece of shit league i really fucking believed that i wasn't gonna gonna accomplish anything in my life you know and then i i think

back to getting on stage and i think about how i felt then how i felt that i was just gonna kill myself like every time i get on stage you just want to kill yourself because you're not funny and then that that sparks me to go to jujitsu that makes me go you know what i gotta go to jujitsu tomorrow because i don't ever want to be that bad and i know that if i was bad at something because i got i i tried it you know i try to take myself to these dark places man because it'll get my writing better it'll make me better because it makes me see the fucking journey so i want you to do the same thing when you're working out so three years from now when somebody comes to you and they're a hundred pounds overweight you go listen dog this is what you do and you

put your mind there and you think because if not you're not feeling what you're going through okay and you go to yoga and you breathe you feel your body you fuck i i didn't you know uh lately i've been doing those things those to stretch my back okay i was working out not stretching after it it's the worst thing you could do you know a lot of people stretch a lot before they work out when people say you could pull your muscles if you're not warmed up properly so i always walk around or something to do something even if i just jump up and down and then stretch a little bit then do the apolitical and then when i'm coming down off the apolitical i stretch i really stretch hard boom i breathe i let the breath but i wasn't stretching my back so i was having back problems

i was walking around like red fucking fox you know and i don't want to walk around like that no more so now i've been stretching so after you work okay don't forget to fucking stretch what else you got planned for today you're gonna do in a podcast or rick tonight yeah i got rick tonight i gotta watch a movie probably uh and then just a movie you guys going tonight i'm not sure and i have to have to talk to rick i'm i probably know i'm really fucked up right now um and then the last week was kind of slow and i've been getting some some tweets i've i've almost gotten all the uh proposals i want for the app all right we'll get it together come on what are you doing today oh can i mention one thing okay i mentioned if you uh at leaside.com if you want i'm having a

sale on shirts use code ju me down and you get 10 bucks off two shirts you're a fucking savage what do i got today today i'm gonna do a little workout i'm thinking about going to jujitsu tonight if i can make it by eight o'clock i gotta write i'm getting ready for the san jose impromptu you know san jose is always a fucking crazy party it's a blast auntie the lauris is coming again i got some motherfuckers showing up some gangsters some mexicans some fucking raider fans uh it's a jujitsu weekend up there so i have a lot of jujitsu people going up there i think i'm gonna stop by guerrilla jujitsu saturday morning for the 1030 geek class oh cool so i'm very excited about the week up in san jose i always am next week i'm in fucking viva las vegas at the south point

with my main man steve simone and shit making it happen and the week after that i'm a beautiful pioneer comedy club in rino fucking nevada i gotta get my plane ticket today but something really weird happened man uh a great listener said that uh he heard me speak about santana and his uncle was santana if i wanted to go see him in hervine whoa the 26th and go backstage and meet callos and i'm fucking you know uh it took me two days to reply to the kid because i was so overwhelmed i'm really in hell but i committed to this reno date i have to do it if not i'd be right there i'd love to meet santana and uh people have no idea you know what santana did said you know it's funny how there's great men like martin luther king was a man a great man he

fought for black rights and you know but if you really look at it and i'm not taking nothing away from martin luther king somebody like Muhammad Ali did more for the african americans you know uh you know you get the chinese people you know they they built our railroads they gave us the orange you know chinese people they did they did they gave us the fucking irons a lot of people don't know that um brucelly really transformed the border you know jujitsu i see more people eat nasa i eat more people eat brazilian food now because uh jujitsu opened opens up that culture you know i'm saying uh fucking the the the fucking towers go down and people eat more fucking hummus you know i'm saying the next thing you know if the Taliban is spreading

hummus and these suckers are eating hummus with chips oh my god i love this red pepper hummus meanwhile the Taliban's getting fucking stronger but you're eating fucking hummus suckers uh i feel that with with even spanish people man callosantana if you listen to that fucking early album uh get some early early i forget the you know a braxis fucking i'm gonna be in a kid and put the braxis on and being proud like i could hear the spanish influence in the music yeah we're gonna close the santana go my god uh put a braxis on it it's fucking just just so you know i always when i roll back i said it'll be an honor to meet carl's i don't want to do a podcast i don't know to do nothing like that i just want to talk to him because to me he's a real

fucking pioneer you know he went to the music label and said this is what i do and they're like we don't know about these maracas and these fucking mexicans and shit is that a braxis the album the full album yeah a braxis 1970 this is i'm a being a little kid and getting this from columbia house this is when you beat columbia house when you got eight albums for a penny yeah and you gave a little wrong address and you sent it to the wrong address and you had to steal it the fucking your album's back it has a fucked up album cover uh yeah yeah yeah the naked girl on front or is that just youtube it could be youtube speed that up a little bit how far a minute two alone i like that it's great crank that up crank that up

crank this shit up motherfuckers listen it's july 7th it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive get out there do what you want after year was gone whatever year goes with the 2014 they're officially fucking done listen to this fucking guitar god fuckers oh my god i forgot all about this shit i forgot this i'm telling you i got this album when i was seven seven this is what i was listening to for you dumb motherfuckers that are still at home watching dory explorer i was dropping this at seven on an eight track upstairs in my attic not even getting high just listen to this shit are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me so you hate specs put this on you hate that mexican down the block that has the lone mower

before you judge them put this on you hate that fucking lady who sells your fucking tacos and won't give you the extra hot sauce put this on motherfucker feel it you cock suckers it's monday smoke a number do a bong hit do something right your goals we gotta get out of here i'm getting too emotional you hear those congos right they're like but we're white people why are we listening to this native music why are you selling us gum because why are you selling us g clay motherfucker i love you guys stay black we'll see you wednesday night we had a great guest sat out eight o'clock wednesday night

on the ninth is it the ninth yeah should be save the ads right over this don't try this okay and i wasn't going to now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for a free trial of hulu plus hulu plus that depends on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcasting in an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com plus joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com get high quality wages sent to your door every month for fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and thank you on it go there for all of your optimization

pills uh the apple brain and everything that used to go to church and escapepodtank.com go there get all your flotation tanks and call jeremy and get 250 off for what are you kidding me or what they're still playing call us i'm there doing a fucking syringe looking out a fucking window and the band is still like so