Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #193 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, September 5th… Happy Labor Day! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & CBD Lion… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.   CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #CBDLion The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Let's get this party started, it's Monday to fucking fifth, cock-suckers. Time for some cheeseburgers. Check, one, two, welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's up, you bad bitches, it's Monday, happy Labor Day to all you cock-suckers. The summer's officially over, I don't know, you can't dress in white, you know. You can't go to Long Island no more, I don't know what the fuck it is, but it doesn't matter. I love the fucking summer, you know, like I've been telling you guys this is the best summer I've had in a long time, but I fucking love the fall, especially, listen, there's two

months of the year on the East Coast and it's just tremendous and that's fucking May, before the humidity shows up, you don't know what it's like to walk around the city, eating a slice of pizza with two fucking bongots in you, stop it, you know what I'm saying, you can stop on a quarter for one of those terrorists, hot dog, the fucking sad brat with the tremendous, but September is a fucking gorgeous month in New York. I don't know if you look at my old schedules, I always came to New York in September because something about the trees, the fucking air, the weather, it's 70 degrees, today's a fucking beautiful day to be alive and it's been beautiful the last 10 days, I couldn't believe we had

softball practice last week already, so the year is popping, the reason why I like this time of the year is because it's get down, this is it, whatever, we fucked around the rest of the year, we jumped up and down for eight months, we fucking told stories, but once September comes, you gotta look at what's going on for 2023 and go well, for me to have a successful 2023, I gotta kick this motherfucker, I love this time of the year because it sets up 2023, think about it, whatever you do now, you're doing for 2023, but pretty much of your fucking painting house, whatever, you're setting up, if you're a fucking painter, you're setting up, you're taking fucking bids and you're trying to pack in all your indoor

work for the winter, you know, this is what people do this time of the year, for me I'm excited, I'm 12 days away from the residency at the Sony Theater, tickets are sold out, do not pay over 40 fucking dollars while stabbing the goddamn neck, and that's it guys, I mean this is it, you know usually I'll take this week off, whatever, for Labor Day, you guys ain't watching shit, but guess what, fuck that, I'm so excited about the last quarter, we're kicking this motherfucker today, gold's fucking the setting, football season's upon us, you know, that's the other thing, once you start smelling this time of the year, you're like okay, a lot of things are fucking happening, college football last week, now

fucking pro football, you know, in a couple more weeks as we're going into baseball playoffs, it's just a fucking great time of the year, you know what I'm saying, October's gonna be fucking strong, I love it, I love it, you know listen, I can sit here and tell you I'm a fan of this guy, I'm waiting on this, listen, ever since I moved to Jersey I started doing something on Sundays, and I gotta tell you something, I look forward to it all week, I go to Jimmy Florentine's house with his little childhood buddies from the old bridge, there's no must, there's no fuss, they bring over a couple piece of pies, they bring over some beers, and it's just fucking guys watching football, they're not talking about golf, they're

not talking about you know, you know how they raise their kids, trust me, that's the farthest thing they talk about, they talk about, they say some fucking tremendous shit, not, a lot of people couldn't sit in that basement today, I'm telling you right now, if you sat in that basement, you know, at one point you're gonna go what the fuck did he say, or what did Joey say, because I get in there too, who gives a fuck, but it's just guys, guys that I never even knew, I had been in LA with so many phony people for so fucking long, that I forgot what these guys were like, these just guys that are blue collar guys, they work all fucking week, they don't give a fuck about your Instagram, they don't give a fuck about how many friends

you have on Twitter, they don't give a fuck about none of that shit, they just want to get their beers, get away from their wives, and watch three fucking football games on a Sunday, and I don't fucking blame them, they work fucking hard, but I had never experienced that since I left here, like maybe in Colorado, working for the sports betting people on Monday nights, we used to get together and watch football, and get beers and fuck, and listen guys, I don't drink, I go for the wings, I eat a couple fucking wings of slice of pizza, but just to be out with a bunch of guys and shit like that, it's always great, I don't even like, I can't go to a bar, I can't sit in a bar, I don't drink, so I'm like the

odd man fucking, I only want to do sit there and drink coke with 11 in it, how much of a fucking hypocrite am I, so I just don't go to fucking bars, but if you invite me to your house, I can bring a little toots toots, I can eat my edibles, I can get a slice of pizza, usually I show up at Carlos and get myself an extra cheese with fucking meatball, extra crispy, and I bring it over there to fucking pie waste dirty goddamn pounds, so I'm looking forward to that shit, and like I told you motherfuckers last week, listen guys, I know a lot of you guys were other draft sites or whatever, having a great time, listen man, draft kings, I've been with them for what, three years now, two years, two

and a half years, a little before the pandemic, like I tried other sites out, but draft kings just grabbed me, the thing about draft kings that felt good was I felt I could trust them, like I wasn't going to wake up in the morning and my money was going to be gone, whether it's $200 or $800, you don't want to get fucking beat, so I always trusted them for that, you know, like I've had a couple friends that, I was in Florida and I signed up for a local sports thing and it takes them a month to pay me back, all that shit doesn't apply with me either guys, I'm the type of motherfucker, I put a bet in, I either pay you or I skip town, you know what I'm saying, and with draft kings you can't skip fucking

town, you know, so I don't know who you were with or whatever, but do yourself a favor, go to the draft king sports book, download, put my name in and guys, just put Joey, not the whole fucking name, not cocksucker, it's not going to react to that, they're just going to call the cops on your ass, but if it's, you know, if you're into football just to have fun, listen, I'm not here, I'm reading these articles lately about sports gambling, how people getting hooked on shit, first off, when I was a kid, you could really get hooked because you just had a guy on the phone, he doesn't know what's in my wallet, Mike doesn't know what I have in my wallet, Mike doesn't know what happened, there was no ATM cards

back then, he doesn't know what I have in my bank account, so I could just call Mike and go, it's this easy, today I like, I don't know, fucking buffalo bills on Thursday night, Mike will go, what do you want to bet him for? Now, if I make $300 a fucking week, you know, I'm betting this for 25 bucks for entertainment, so I can watch the game and yell a little bit, throw a shoe at the cat, whatever the fuck is going on, but sometimes you go, you know what, man, I'm good at this, I'm going to make some fucking money at this, like I did when I was 18, I'm good at this, I could pick these winners and all of a sudden you bet over your head, so I could just tell Mike, hey, I got $500 in the game, that game loses,

I got to work fucking three weeks and overtime to pay that fucking $500, that's not going to happen, so what do I do, I bet another $500 and it loses again, now I'm down to small $1200, now comes Monday night football, and I got to bet the farm, I lose, I'm down $4000, I could suck 200 dicks and work 3,000 part time job hours, I'm not going to be paying this fucking guy, this is why I like DraftKings, they know what you got, you put your ATM card down, you got 100 bucks, they don't take over 100 bucks, so it lets you bet at what you afford, like what you can afford, you know, listen guys, I could fucking bet those games for 2003 and be a big shot, oh, guys, it's entertainment, I don't want to get in trouble,

and I know this going in, so what do you do, today they have a thing, Saturday they had a great fucking deal, they had like Oklahoma to win, Ohio State and Alabama to win by 42 fucking points, now what are the chances of all these three teams winning, you put 10 bucks on that, you win $180, that's not bad, so if you enter two of those fucking pools, you put 15 on the team, if you could pull out $200 on a fucking weekend, that's why I like DraftKings, because they have a ton of trap bets, listen, oh, Shawnee, the fucking Japanese pitch is the best play in the fucking, in baseball, but he plays for fucking angels, they're the clippers of Los Angeles, you know what I'm saying, the clippers and the angels

are the exact same thing, they're going to have 200 great people and they're never going to win, oh god, right, so when you bet the angels, I don't bet the fucking angels when oh Shawnee's pitching, they're probably going to get sheltered, but you know that motherfucking Japanese dude's going to hit a home run, or three singles, so I usually bet, you know, 10 bucks for oh Shawnee to hit over half a point single, if you bet that 10 times you're not going to lose, oh Shawnee always hit the fucking, he just hit 30 fucking home runs, he's the first Japanese player to have 30 home runs and win 10 fucking games pitching, who do you think you're dealing with, Joy Bananas, I don't follow too many people but

I like Shawnee or Tony, anyway, my point is, it's draft king season, give him a fucking shot, I don't know who you've been with, I don't know what you've been doing, but I tell you what, I have a great time on that, I haven't refilled my account and maybe, I refilled it for the NCAA for March, for March Madness, I haven't put money in there since March Madness, I play with the same $20, $5, some nights I'm bored, I play five hands of casino, whatever, blackjack, fucking a dollar, a dollar, and that's it, I go to fucking bed, you know, I understand, like people got addicted to different fucking things, but with draft kings, any of those other sites that are all very fucking good and trustworthy,

I can't see myself getting in trouble, so if I talk about draft kings, Thursday night fucking football, the Buffalo goddamn bills at the fucking LA Rams, oh shit, I love the bills this year, I don't know if they're gonna fucking win the championship, but they're gonna win some games, stay on top of them, watch Indianapolis, I love a fucking lot of, I'm way better with football than I am with anything else, and I'll still just bet 25 fucking bucks, just to fucking go over to Jimmy's and yell and scream, you know, they're in Miami Dauphin House, so I'll go over there, I'll always bet 25 bucks on the Dauphin's just cause I'm sitting there, I'm eating that fucking food, I can't go over

there and bet against the Dauphin's, they're motherfucking Dauphin House, where's your respect top fucking, liquid IV, the fucking cherry, oh my goodness, what flavor is this, this is fucking delicious, I don't even know what the fuck it is, I can't see without my beautiful glasses, oh shit, this is golden cherry, tremendous guys, just fucking tremendous, 16 ounces, boom, it's a whole different operation, talking about fucking Nick Saban, talking about football, I thought my fucking, I thought I killed somebody Thursday night, I thought I fucking stabbed somebody 10 times Thursday night, I had text messages, my phone was ringing, I was outside talking to the neighbors, and I come in, it's like 9.30 at night, and people like, dog,

Nick Saban was talking about you, did you see this shit right on the ESPN or something, it was a game, so I'm like, Nick Saban, I'm like, what the fuck, I go Nick Saban, Alabama, and they're like, yeah, we have go on YouTube, people posted it to your page, you didn't see it Mike, so, I'm like, I don't fucking know Nick Saban, he don't fucking shout me out unless he came to a comedy show, that dude's a Christian, he fucking hates guys like me, you know what I'm saying, I'm a fan of his, I love fucking Nick Saban, Saban, whatever the fuck you wanna call him, so I go online and right away, he's talking to speech about shit, what's gonna happen, and he goes, don't tell me about what happened

last year, tell me about, what's gonna go on today, the church of what's happening now, and all this shit, and people are fucking, like I must have got 20 retweets in the video, you know, people are saying, no, he didn't fucking know, if he fucking had people hitting them up today, put your apologies, that church of what's happening now, they're no good, they did drugs, they killed the whole Benjamin, they fucking, you know, they fucked up people, get the fuck your name off there, he didn't know guys, I mean it's, it's, yeah, no, no, I don't, I never met that man, I'm a fan of his, I would go to one of his games, I love Alabama, but that's not it, but it's funny that the text that he used of this, the context

that he listened, let's get to the basics of this fucking church of what's happening now, first time I heard the church of what's happening now, I was Mercy's age, I was fucking Mercy's age, it was called the church, it was a sketch, that Flip Wilson did on his show every week, it was called the church of what's happening now, I don't remember what it was about, I left the liney and tell you, I knew, when I did the church of what's happening now, people reached out to me and they said, Flip Wilson might sue you for taking that, that name or whatever, and I'm like, listen, that was 30 years ago, it was the name of a sketch, and that's all, you know, it was just the name of a sketch, the church

of what's happening now, so when you're like fucking eight or nine, you're like, church of what's happening now, I don't know what the fuck that means, that word didn't come back into my life, till I was about 24, 25 years old, and it's so weird that I had spoken to Erica Florentine last week, and I go, Erica, I'm gonna have another idea for a book, and she goes, what are you talking about, and I go, listen, Erica, I'm sitting here now, and I was talking about being like vengeful, regrets and shit like that, and I'm like, you know, when we wrote that book, we had a great fucking outline, we had a great outline, we did it, and then we had an outside agent do it for us on everything that he had listened

to over the years, and we met in the middle, and it was great, I think we did a great job, we were very thorough, we took our time, you know, there was no fucking fluff in there, we gave you some extra stories that you had never heard on a podcast and stuff, but ever since I locked the book up in February and I submitted it, you know, you just think of shit, when I go to an audition, I always in the car, as soon as you get in the car, you're like, fuck, I should have done that, fuck, I should have done this, you ever go to a slice of pizza, and you go and you eat two slices on the way out, you're like, fuck, I should have had the stuffed peppers with the prosciutto, whatever, you know, it happens,

you always think of something on the way out after you've done it already, so after we did the book, you know, the last couple months, I'm like, fuck, I forgot to mention that in the book, or I shouldn't have spoken too much about this in the book, or whatever, you just, it's not regrets, it's just things you wish you would have put in that, so I'm thinking about, yeah, I'm thinking about somebody had put in a book, like a friend of mine, in fact, it was because it was my brother-in-law's, my sister-in-law's three-year anniversary of passing, which was Friday, God rest his soul, and I was thinking about how much her and my friend, Darren Rago, did for me in 19, I was just sitting there one night, I was

watching TV, and you know, sometimes you're watching TV, and you just fucking drift off, thinking about something stupid or whatever, so I was just thinking about how much, if people knew how much these two people had helped me in 93, like nobody would even fucking know, like between Darren and Sherry Runny, Sherry Runny was basically financing my comedy career with 20s and 30s, and do you have money on you, show me your money, show me your money, but 20 bucks on you so you're not out there without money, and then I had a friend, Darren, who guys, this guy was a fucking savage with three hands, and he would call me and go, what are we doing tonight, what club am I taking it, and I'm like, what are you talking

about, and yes, we were both addicts, and he knew I would always be half or whatever we bought with Coke, but no, these guys had my fucking back, and they would push and push so I called Sherry, Erica Florentine the next day and I go, Erica, I really think I want to, I'm not saying nothing bad, I go, I just feel that I didn't talk about, because there was so much material, I didn't talk about certain people like I wanted to, like there were a lot of people I just wanted to describe in the book as angels, like, you know, Darren Rago and Sherry Runny, a both pass, God rest both their souls, you know, Darren lasted till 1999, which probably put him at, you know, fucking, what was I, 30 something when

he passed away, and Sherry Runny passed away two years ago, you know, but it's just so, they were angels in my life that came and went in the fucking night, you know, Anthony Balzano was a fucking angel that came into my life when I first moved to Jersey, and he showed me around, and he made sure people didn't fuck with me, then he brought me into his house and introduced me to his family, and he fucking went out in the night, and I fucking slipped into his spot, Dominic Special, same thing, you know, and they didn't all die, all these people didn't die, they were, they came into my life into a, in a certain point in my life to make that point in my life a lot more bearable, as I could say,

you know, and I think about them all the time, and I think they deserve a lot of credit, and nobody will never even know their fucking names, you know, so when I saw that, you know, Nick Saban had said that, and I started thinking about fucking the book, you know, when he said Churchill, what's happening now, it's so weird, I was one of the biggest highlights of my life, I feel, one of the best things I ever did in my life, and it was, sometimes you do good things without even knowing, sometimes you make good choices without even fucking knowing you made them, you'll see later on down the road, you're like, that was a good fucking choice I made, I made a lot of bad choices, right, I did a lot of fucked up things,

but I was detailing cars, I was making 800 fucking dollars a month, I was working, you know, 60 hours a fucking week, and I got promoted to a detail, I started off as a shagger, and I got promoted to a detail, and then when I was making detail money, I was making great money, but I was busting my fucking hump for this money, I was coming home smelling like fucking chemicals, and breathing in chemicals, and it just, and every time I drop off a car in a Bill Crow Subaru, the fucking manager would always say, yo, what the fuck are you doing bro, you're a street guy, you know how to talk to people, you got to get together, you're in a fucking car, steaming engines, get your life together, stupid, come on over

and sell some cars, and I was like, but he is, people have been bugging me to fucking sell cars, I don't want to fucking sell cars, come on, come on, every time, every two days I have to go with a drop off a car, Joey, please go get his shirt and a tie, and there was just no fucking way, finally I was like, I want to do some more things in my life, yeah, I'm making a grand a week, I'm 24 years old, I'm bringing home about 750, but this ain't getting me dick, this is my rent, this is my fucking school books, some shoes, and I can't fit cocaine into his budget, I got to make more money if I want to snort coke, if you want to play the game, you know, and I was looking not to be a fucking thief, I

was looking just to be a decent person, so I asked him one day, how much can I make in here, and he's like, you can make anywhere from three to fucking $10,000 a month, you know, you could write your own ticket, and I said, all right, one Monday I fucking took the gig, and I told him I would come in on a Saturday, I can get with his shirt on a Saturday because I didn't want to get fired from my detailing job, I mean, I couldn't do anything else, I was going to eat in Boulder, they have a thousand jobs that'll get you through, but they have like four of them that you could actually get ahead with, you know what I'm saying, like there's college jobs and shit, like that's the job you get ahead

with, you know, if I was making a thousand dollars, that's $52,000 a year, in 1987, that's a lot of fucking loot for fucking washing cars, but this guy's telling me I can make more fucking cash, so I'm like, I don't believe you, Peter Pinto, you know, I don't fucking believe you, that was a guy's name, Peter Pinto, he went and he got everybody else that worked there, and one guy's name was Jim Wheeler, my heart ended up fucking being one of the most influential people in my life, and this other guy called Wayne Means, but the whole three of them clicked together, Peter Pinto was a little weird, Jim Wheeler was my type of salesman, very honest and very direct, but for some reason Wayne Means used to motivate

the fuck out of me, this guy was just, and the owner of that Bill Crouch Super at the time, yes, Bill Crouch's name was on the thing, but the money from that thing was this fucking dude, the whitest dude ever, but cool as fuck, he was something to do with the government, he was in the service and all this shit, tough dude, and he used to call me the fucking renegade, the renegade, Joey you're a fucking renegade, so you know, the first Saturday I went in and I sold three fucking cars, and I'd call the detail and I'd go shove your fucking water hose up your ass, Papa's cleaned his last goddamn car, and I went to Bill Crouch Super, I had to borrow my friend's mom's credit card to buy three fucking jackets with white shirts,

and I got a job over that, not knowing what I was doing, and yeah, Jim Wheeler was training me in the art of sales, like you know, the steps, taking them, sell on your feet, clothes on your ass, all these little fucking sayings, but there was one dude, Wayne Means, that every morning he would fucking drill me to death, and he was laughing like he was a funny dude, first off he was a biker, not a fucking, not one of these dudes that you see with six fat fucks on a Saturday on the turnpike, you know, you know, no, this guy was a straight up gangster biker, okay, this motherfucker let his hair long, tattoos before tattoos were cool, you know, the whole fucking deal, so to make a living, and for his wife, he was married, and he

would come home for six months of the year, this guy was cool as shit, he had to deal with his wife, he had step kids, so he really was, he married her later, after she got divorced, he kind of raised the kids, but not really, and he had a sister and a boy, Davis and Florida doing 30 of the life right now, I'm surprised they didn't put him under the chair, right, his son Dave, anyway, Wayne was just a fucking one of those dudes, I was 25, I was wild, and he knew how to reel me in, but he also knew how to motivate me, so when I would come in the morning, he'd come over to the car, how you doing today, Joey, all right, what's going on with your brother, you're looking good, hey, let me do yourself a favor, shine that fucking shoe, that's the first people

look at it when they walk in as your fucking shoes, so what good is it, have the nice suit on, ironed, if your shoes are not gonna be fucking, shine, come on, shine your fucking shoes, how you gonna buy a $10,000 car from somebody with a $10 presentation, this guy was just money, and he didn't talk to me like a white privilege, he spoke to me like a fucking street guy, you know, all those things I yelled over the years on Periscope and shit, I was just emulating him, that's all I was doing, you know, like when people came up to him and said, but Wayne, I sold three cars yesterday, yeah, but that was yesterday, we're talking about today, the church of what's happening now, what's going on today, who do you have a car to sell to, so he always,

he taught me how to fucking narrow it down to today, he was sharp, and there was times I bring customers, this guy would give them a tremendous earbeat, and he knew how to give you an earbeat for you to buy a car, you know, like when somebody's giving you an earbeat, and they're like, you know what, just give me the paperwork, because I can't take this earbeat no more, I'll sign the paperwork before I take another minute of this fucking earbeat, and I'll never forget, I was selling the car one day, and on the car, like in today's market, you know, you have an MSRP, okay, it was a new car, I was right in the showroom, it was a Subaru, I'll never forget this, the people come over, and I go, yeah, because in meetings, Wayne means knew how to make money in a car deal,

some people know how to sell a car, Wayne means knew how to set you up to make money, so most people start with an MSRP, this is 1987, Wayne means is still starting with a fucking addendum, for people who don't know what an addendum is, MSRP is the sticker for it, or Subaru, or Cadillac, or Mitsubishi, Toyota puts on the window with what's on the car, what packages they have, and what's the estimated dealer price, but then next to it, there's always an addendum, and that addendum cost the dealer 15 fucking cents, it's a piece of paper with a piece of ink on it, it says, you know, white wall tires on the car, it just has a bunch of shit, rust protection, window protection, all this shit, and they plop on another $2,500, and it's just air,

but in Wayne means mind, he goes, I want you to start from that price, because if they have a trade-in, I can give them more money off the trade-in from that addendum, that's $2,500 worth of air, but to anybody who knows, anybody who's a gangster and does research before they go buy a car, you'll look at the fucking addendum and go, fuck that, I'm not even talking to you about that, we're starting here, so you know, it's, I'm gonna take, so I'm gonna show him with this guy, he's a bolder guy, he's fucking a genius, and this guy is like, I'm not even starting there, so don't even talk about that, go, the car starts there, because that's how you get gross, gross is the amount of profit you're gonna make for that car deal, so I'm starting from fucking gross,

I'm like, no, you gotta pay up 10, the guy's like, I'm not gonna pay that, I start here, Wayne means pops out from the desk, it was a little high in the desk, you can hear everything, and he goes, sir, have you ever heard of the addendum act in 1979, listen, there was never an addendum act in 1969, nobody even had an act in 1969, but Wayne means proceed them to tell them, about the addendum act of 1979 or 69, and the senators that were behind it, you know the guy bought the car, fucking addendum, there was no fucking addendum, there was no fucking act of 1969, it was the earbeat, and he gave them about the addendum, that the people said, all right, fuck it, we'll just pay for it, I think I ended up making like

$32,000 on that car, on one fucking car, usually you make like a thousand bucks, 800, 400, I made $32,000 profit, it was like a four, it was like a Subaru, the GL10, a lot of people don't remember the GL10, for some old Subaru people, that's the fucking Subaru that you press the button, and the tires are raised, so if you're driving, and there's more, like you're coming off a highway, and you're turning into the hills, but the mountain hasn't been shoveled, it's been like plowed, but not really shoveled, there's still like two or three feet, you would press a button, and you stop the car, and the car would rise, not like those Mexican fucking things that bounce up and down, I'm talking about the car would just rise up,

the whole suspension, and you would fucking drive through, Wayne means it's great because his gang of motorcycle people, I think so speed, he didn't do drugs, like they did crank in those days, they moved crank across the fucking country, I can't say what gang he was in because he killed me, I don't even know if he's alive, we probably spoke eight years ago, he was running a car dealership in Las Vegas, and we spoke on the phone, and we were going to try to meet him, come to a show, and he was very proud of me, he said he saw me in some movies and shit, but Wayne did not do powder, and he did not do any of that shit, but, and Wayne didn't care if you did it, he just wanted you to be such a good salesman,

they didn't want you to do it in the daytime, I keep telling me, if you want to go smoke pot, that's your decision, I can't stop you, but Joey, you'd be a lot better and a lot more focused if you didn't do that shit, I never fucking listened to him, you know, I would go out there and get high and come back, and I could tell him he would be upset, so eventually I stopped doing all that shit, but after about two months of working there with him, he would every, he would always go on a tangent about Coke, he was just one of those guys that if you even said, I'm getting the fuck out of here, I'm getting an eight ball of Coke, fuck you, you're gonna, it's gonna make your mind mush and all this shit, he would just, he would just say all this shit to you, so he hated vinegar,

he fucking hated the smell of vinegar, right, so I would fucking get a bottle of white vinegar, and I would get those little fucking cups that people put water in at the water station, and I would put vinegar, and I would put vinegar in the corners of his office, one on one corner, and one on the other corner, and I'd wait for him to come and I'd be sitting in his office, I'd see him pull up and I'd sit in his office, and like with a fake fucking question, and he would come in hanging, jacking up, Joey, I'm not here 10 minutes, what is it? And I go, nothing man, I gotta ask you a question about the delivery on this car, I would just bullshit, and he would go like this while I was talking to him, what? And he'd go,

when he goes, you smell vinegar, I smell vinegar, I can't be here if there's vinegar, and he would go all around, I smell vinegar, I smell vinegar, and this went on, so me and one of the other cells would run on it, so I knew he would go from one office to the coffee office, I would hide vinegar right by the coffee machine, so I'd put the coffee, because he would go right in there and make a coffee, the vinegar was on the side, he went in there, and he's like, I can't, I can't even make coffee, I did this to him once a fucking week with the vinegar, and he'd have to leave, after about two months he figured out somebody was fucking with him, right, so that was one thing I did too, the other thing I'd do with him, I'd get a fishing line

with a fishing hook, and I'd get a white piece of paper, and I'd make a bendel, a cocaine bendel, and I'd put the fishing hook, tiny little fishing hook at the end of the bendel, and I would throw the fishing hook, I would throw the, I would throw the, and he'd be sitting on his desk, it was a tower, you know, so the new car manager sits here, the used car manager sits like three feet on them, and he could see the floor, I would make the bendel big, you know, and it was like fucking, I dream of Jean, listen, I dream of Jeanie is a show about a fucking, it's not about a Jeanie, and it's not about the astronaut, it's about the torture they inflict on Major Healy, whatever

his fucking name is, the professor, the professor, it's the torture they inflict on him, I've always loved that about a show, and I've always loved that about life, so I would put the fishing hook with the half gram of coke with nothing in the thing, it was just a bendel, and I would lay it out where he would see it, and he would fucking get up off his chair and walk down, and I would have the fishing line, I'd pull it away, right, and he would come, he'd be looking for a bendel, I knew I saw it, I knew I fucking saw it, somebody's playing with me, so I would do that to him, and then actually get bendels, and put like talcum powder in it, and just throw it on the floor, and he would pick them up and open them and go, can I have your attention please, somebody's

snorting coke here, and he would give you a 20 minute lecture on the evils of cocaine, and what's gonna happen to you if you snort coke and all this shit, but this was him, but his, I learned a lot from him, like he was, this was after Carmine Balzano, this was after a lot of things in my life, and I navigated towards him every day, and those months when I was having 16, 14, 12 car months, you know, it was because I was listening to him, to a tee, it's everything else he did, while being a salesman, and the one thing I took from him is if you're gonna be a salesman, you gotta look fucking sharp, your shoes have to be shined, your socks gotta match, you can't fucking stink, you know, you have to have a nice tie, when, you know, he taught me that,

you have to speak to women when they come talk to you, like when a couple comes talk, you have to talk to a woman, because a woman makes 80% of the buying decision in a fucking family, this guy was just a, he was just my angel, that's why I want to put him in the book, and then don't fucking stop there, because remember, I stayed at Bill Crouch's Subaru for about fucking six months, and then I got into an argument with them, and somebody pissed on my leg, and I thought that I could make money somewhere else, so I left and went to Chrysler, and I was at Chrysler for about six months, and I would always stay in touch with him, he was like a father figure, and then one day I just called him and I said listen, I gotta start making some real dole again, I'm not making money in

Chrysler, and I went back there, and maybe seven weeks later, eight weeks later, I got arrested for the kidnapping, and nobody, nobody was more heartbroken about that kidnapping than that dude, but let me tell you what transpired with that fucking kidnapping, you know, I did the kidnapping on the fucking Tuesday, I had the day off from work, and they caught the guy Tuesday night with him in the trunk of the car, and they immediately said a fucking, they came looking for me, now they couldn't really find me, my license had my in-laws address on it, and you know, I don't know, who the fuck knows, they just wanted to get a definite search on me, so that morning when they woke up, they did some snooping, and they found that I worked at Bill

Crouch Subaru, so they went to Bill Crouch Subaru, that morning I was fucking coming down off that battery ass, and like a motherfucking cat tranquilizer, whatever the fuck I was doing that night, and blazing Brent Hayes, and the detailer there came and fucking banged up my glass, he's like hey, the cops are at the dealership, they're looking for you, they're about to come over here, you know, so I got ready and shit like that, and I go, how much time do I have, and he goes, well, he goes, they were still set when I left, and Wayne Means would not give me your address, and I'm like what, and he's like, Wayne Means is fucking telling me, look the long month, and all this shit just to give you more time, and I was like, fuck, Wayne did that for me,

and I'm like, gee, and I did what I had to do that morning, but at some point, you know, there were no cell phones standing, so I had to call Wayne at the Subaru dealership, and go, you know, thank you for what you did, and he goes, listen, we can't talk long, I mean, he was slicking and fucking, he goes, hey, we can't talk long in case they have the phone tap, I don't think they have it tap, but he goes, you never know, he goes, call me at my wife's number, you know, the number over there, and I'll be, you know, I'll help you as much as I fucking can, and at the time, like I said, this guy didn't do drugs, this guy didn't drink, you know, he was a biker, and he did what he did as a biker, you know, they take care of business, they beat people

up and they transport, I don't know what he was doing, but I'm gonna tell you something else, that years later, I saw him, I didn't go back to work for him, but I would stop there from day to day, and he always felt very guilty because he had hired Vella back at that dealership, so he always thought that I was gonna come back to work and be great, but if Vella wasn't there, I wouldn't have got it, and he said, he goes, it really wasn't me who hired Kent Vella back, he goes, I kept my nose out of it, I didn't care one way or the other, he goes, it was the used car manager and the FNI guy that wanted him back on the fucking lot, because they thought he could sell, but he goes, I know he came back with a lot of fucking problems, and look what happened,

he ended up taking you down, I was like, he didn't take me down, I don't ever want you to think that I was a victim of this thing, I took him down, but after that morning when the cops were looking for me, he wouldn't give me my fucking address at all, and then they called the dealership where I worked at before the Chrysler dealership, and that's who gave me my fucking address, but Wayne Means was a fucking soldier to the end, you understand me? Yeah, he was a church fucking soldier, and that's what he used to say all the time, he used to go, hey brother, come on, what are we doing today, the church or what's happened, that's what the church or what's happened now came from, I know we ended up talking about the older stories and shit, because we thought

we were going to be a news outlet at first, like I like, you know, I don't fucking know anything about the news, but it was more to, you know, the church or what's happened now, what's going on, you know, it was a church, and it's a state of fucking mind, you know, and I still live off that fucking state of mind, it's fucking today, I don't, you know, people call me for a fucking audition, like when I was on North Carolina, and people call me for the audition, like you got to put it on tape Monday, okay, it's fucking Wednesday, it's got nothing to do with me, it's got nothing to do with me, you know what I'm saying, the church or what's happened now is the church or what's happened now, but I think about Wayne Means, you know, and that guy's definitely, I'm definitely

going to put him in that book of angels, because after I saw the fucking thing, and I, you know, saw the Saban fucking thing, I put his name in the list, because I'm only going to have 10 people, you know, and it's so weird, how many notes I had made about him, it was like, you ever have a boss that really isn't your boss, like he's your boss, but no, he's your boss, but he talks to you more, like he, you know, he'll have you either way or whatever, like this guy knew I was a good salesman, he knew I was dependable, he knew I could count on me, I was honest, you know, he knew about some of the shit I was doing, he never held it against me, when I, when I got in trouble for the kidnapping, I'm sure I let him down,

but I'm sure at the same time, you know, he knew I was young and stuff, if I was 24, 25, when I was hanging around Wayne, Wayne had to be around 50, 55, good looking white dude, blue eyes, he always wore like off color sunglasses, and his hair was grease back slick, like fucking the coach of the Lakers with the white streaks on him and shit, he was tough, he was warm, he would talk to you, like when I said to you before about the addendum, some people would listen to that as a fucking lie, like, well, the guy lied to somebody, joined his son McCartney, no, he didn't, that dude was too stupid to check out the fuck on what the guy was talking about, you know, I'm sure that once, yeah, Google it, you know, at that time,

there was no Google, but God was an astronaut, you know, he should have known better, but what I'm saying is he was very honest with people, and one thing I liked the bottom was if he couldn't close you, you go, let me ask you a question, what do you think is fair for me to sell you this car? First off, is it okay for me to make a profit? Like, I liked it, you know, there's people's approach to salesmanship, that's not really salesmanship, it's trickery, he trained me not to be a trickster, he trained me to be a salesman and to sell them the car, knowing that they're going to come back or refer somebody to me, so that's what I liked about him, so like, if you came in and you were all confused, he'd call a timeout, he'd even put it up with a timeout,

let's start this again, what do you want, the person would say it and then he would go, okay, this is what I could do, let me ask you a question, is it okay for me to make a profit? And the people go, yes, of course, I mean, we're here, we do advertising, I got to pay the salesman, I got to pay the mechanic, I got to pay the guy that washes your car, so is it okay if we fucking make a profit? And the people go, yeah, and then he would go, okay, let's do this, and he would go get the fucking invoice, he would go rip the invoice out of the book and put it down and go, what is the fair profit for me to make? That's pretty great, and the people go 800 and he'd go, give me a thousand and we'll do the deal right now,

this is what it's gonna look like, monthly payments, this is your down payment, and then he would talk to people, he would go, and I want you to think about this, you got two kids, you're buying this car, you're putting $5,000 down, this is the guy that taught me all this shit, I used to just copy him and close people, because that's the clothes I like, I don't want you to feel like I'm robbing you, so he would go, you give me $5,000, and this is 1987 guys, and this is before the great crash of 87, he would go, listen, how much you give me, $5,000, scrap that, if you give me $2,500, if you give me $5,000 down payment, you're financing for 88 months, this is before 60 month financing, he goes, you're negotiating for 48 months, and your payment will be, you know,

310, can you afford that, and people are like, yeah, that's great, okay, let's do one better, how about you give me $2,500 down, you take that other $2,500 down, and put it in your son's fucking college fund, and you take that other $2,500 down, put that down, and why don't we lease the car, and your payment will be 198, instead of 310 a month, I'll save you $110 a month, and the people would fucking go, what are you talking about, I don't want to lease a car, and he would go, well, when you own that car, when you finance it, you don't own it, so for 48 months, you're not going to own that car, the title, the bank has the title, you're going to pay 198 a month, you're not going to have the title, and at the end of three years,

you can just bring this fucking car back, and I'll give you a brand new one for 208 a month, with nothing down, because with Subaru, that's it, the down payment keeps transferring, it's a fucking no brand, and some people think it's a great deal, and then he would tell them, listen, you lease what depreciates, and you own what appreciates, a car don't appreciate, you know, they tell you, well, Subaru's hold their value, there's some cars that hold their value, but, you know, they didn't make sense to me, and that's why I got my sales pitch from them, that's why I always sold like that, and that sales pitch went on me for years, I would tell, that's why, that's how I negot, you know, down payment is profit, down payment is profit,

so I used to flip that around guys, I would try to sell all my tickets out on Sunday night, before the weekend, I would always try to do that, because I always felt like, if I had to go to that, the more tickets I sold, by the time I got to the town, I didn't want to do radio, so I called it like down payment, if I sold all my tickets before I had to get there, Wednesday, no, so even if I fucking went to a comedy club, and I'd get there on a Thursday, on a Wednesday night, because they wanted me to do radio Thursday, Wednesday, I made sure, and I copied this from Joe Rogan, I made sure that I went to the best restaurant in town, and left a good tip, and the next morning when you wake up,

or your ticket's sold out, because the staff from that restaurant goes out, to all the bars afterwards, and they tell everybody, your fucking business, that you were there with four people, you got high, plus you gave them a hundred dollar tip, on a fucking eighty dollar tab, and the ticket sold out, and it was just, and so I always stole that thinking, that down payment, it equivalents anyway, I don't know if anybody else would get it, but, yeah, Wayne Means is fucking great, so when I heard that from Nick Saban, it was just like, it was like a, I don't know, it was just great, what's that? It was just like a big flashback, guys, and it's great, I love, I really want to do this book about, you know, and it's people who

you would least expect, you know, people goes, Rogan gonna be in there, it's Paul Mooney gonna be in there, it's people that, like when I looked at the comedy people I'm gonna put in there, I gotta be honest here, there were a lot of comics that came through my life that helped me out, people you would never dream of, people you've never heard of, the most help I got were not from famous comics, it was from people during my open mic days, during my feature days in Seattle, people who just made little gestures and shit like that, but the only person I am gonna put in there for angels or something like Mitsy Shaw, you know, but we'll get to that later, but yeah, I just wanted to get the church of what's happening out, story out to you, because a lot of people

didn't fucking know it, like a lot of people were still hitting me up over the weekend, we just steal it from, I didn't steal it from nobody, that was an old fucking whatever thing, and when I decided we needed a name for the podcast, I had always been using it, I had always been using it for the last, like those last couple years in LA when an agent would call me and go yeah, well I talked to a producer, he's gonna have an audition for you in three weeks, come on guys, this is the church of what's happening now, today, what do we got going on motherfucking today, you know what I'm saying, so that's where I'm at guys on a beautiful fucking Monday, I just want to come on here today and tell you, I haven't been this excited about

a fall or comedy show in a long goddamn time, we got a DJ for September 17th, we got a DJ for all the fucking shows, I'm happy we're in New York City for a change, I got these two shows in Jersey this week on Wednesday and Thursday, and then we're shifting everything to fucking New York City for the next six months, that I'll keep you guys posted for the tickets for Philadelphia for Parks Casino the night before the 20th, are you going to mic to that one, okay that one you go to, okay we'll get your clearance, all right, there's no mic, you got the kids, it's fucking tough, people with kids it's tough, it's a tough life man, so I'm sorry, Mike can't be at a lot of the gigs, but fuck it, we try to get them to what we can't, you know,

but besides that I'm excited about this fall, I got my goals written down, I'm gonna try to get a little healthier, try to get loose and gain some weight, I don't need to gain no fucking weight, try to lose some weight, get a little better with your jitsu, I tried to call Rob before the podcast to see how he done over the weekend, I appreciate that a lot of you guys enjoyed that podcast, a lot of you people reached out to Rob, you reached out to Gabby, this was great podcast, I love having him on here because he reminded me of what, like I forgot, I had forgotten all that shit, that we even did a podcast about it, did like a segment on it about what it took to be a fucking comic, and once I met him I'm like this motherfucker is a sharp dude, we gotta get him

up here, so that's it and that's that, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart, do not forget to download the Draft King sports book app, it's opening day weekend but fucking you gotta be ready now because Thursday night it's Buffalo against the Los Angeles Rams and we got UFC next week, we got a big fucking weekend, I want you guys to be prepared but that's it and that's that, I love you cocksuckers with all my heart, stay black and here's for a word from my mother fucking sponsor Jack, all right I want to thank you guys on a Monday, thank you for taking my fucking ear beaten, but it's late but I had to kick it off, I couldn't just leave you there hanging off day, the joint is brought to you by CBD Lion, they're back motherfuckers and better than ever,

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