Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #194 - Joey Diaz, Ralphie May and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 10, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Ralphie May in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/09/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door, snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. This show is also sponsored by onit.com. Go there to get Apple Brain, New Mood, everything you need, all the optimization nutrients you need. Use Code Word Church to get 10% and lastly this show is sponsored by nailthelife.com for all the oil and wax smokers out there. Go to nailthelife.com for the premier vapor pen on the market.

Mention Joey Diaz and get 20% off. Oh shit, Lee, drop that motherfucker, Lee. Oh shit, there goes the bass. Next thing you know, a little fucking guy comes in with the harp. Next thing you know, some guy comes in and rubs some Vaseline in your muffler. The next thing you know, you're yelling and screaming, but they don't give a fuck because that bass is banging, Jack. It's Wednesday night, motherfucker. It's the church of what's happening now. You got it right here on Wednesday. Sit back, smoke that bong hit, tell your wife to lick your nutsack. It's on tonight. The flying Jews in the house. Why are you blowing the, pop that, pop that motherfucker.

They want to hear you. They want to do this. Fuck. Oh shit. Oh shit. Here's a bad fucking jam. I'm taking your back. Two little white dudes that sound black out of fucking Philadelphia, dropping it, hopping it, licking it, flicking it with the Jew. Ralphie May in the house on a Wednesday night. Whoa, the church, motherfuckers, kick it. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Break that fucking reefer out. You're an American, motherfucker. Fuck work. You just blew a firecrackers. Do you still have firecrackers? Call the Chinese guy. It's over. I need some Roman candles and shit. You know what I'm saying?

Got some bottle rockets breaking in half and chasing black people. Let's do this shit, we say it. That's old school and shit. What? What's the story? Try that music. Oh, what's with the music? I look at you 18 times. I wish Chibachu did that to me. It got me energized like you are. I'm like 20 minutes away from being in never, never win. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me, Tater Clay? This is when the mad flavor comes online. What? He's a flying Jew, man. He's the original. Listen, there's probably three flying Jews left. Anyway, two of them in Israel right now, putting their wings on, getting ready to fly off with a fucking rocket. You know what I'm saying? They ain't fucking around in Israel,

Jenna. It's gonna pop off in Israel. I can feel it in my fucking body. Every couple years, yeah. Every fucking, today I went to Bank of America, I just sat outside, you can see him all getting ready. They're fucking at least taking 20% of getting ready in case he got to make a run for it. You know, they got to buy a gun first, a water pistol. You know what, Jew, first you'll buy a water pistol and put black tape on it. And once that don't work, he goes, fuck, I got to buy a gun. I got beat up the other night. I don't like it, shim and fucking, gonna have a good part. I was in a Mediterranean place today for lunch and this old Jew got pissed off because they didn't have baklava. They had nothing sweet and he started yelling in the whole place. He's like,

last time I was here, they had baklava. And the poor lady was like, no, we've never had it. I felt so bad for her. What did you get the Mediterranean place? Chicken shawarma with hummus and a little bit of Israeli salad. No, no pita, no nothing. It was good. You want that hummus with that shawarma, it's gonna make your ass so small. Oh, it smells amazing. Let me ask you something, when you wipe your ass, do you sniff the toilet paper? First of all, I don't use toilet paper, use baby wipes, because I'm a gentleman. I know you're a pimp, but when you use the baby wipe, do you look at it, do you sample it? No, no, I usually don't, but last night I had a Chipotle bowl for dinner and it was, when I woke up this morning, it was bad. It was bad. Do you see the

worms still moving in there? No, I mean, it was good. It was spicy. All right. That's it. That's all I got for it. How are you doing? You know me, dawg, living like a fucking doctor. I gotta go to San Jose tomorrow. I'm ready to go. That's gonna be, but Jessica Barra's gonna be there. That's gonna be a fun weekend. We got fucking anti Dolores is showing up. I got the 1015 show, like a Puerto Rican, because David Spade's doing the eight o'clock show. When? Tomorrow. You got a 1015 tomorrow. Oh, that's better anyways. That's even better. Yeah, Thursday night, the real pimps are out. People be selling machine guns after the show. You don't know we fucking do at least dropping some hall notes. Rafi Maison studio tonight. Hi, everybody. Big pimp of fucking

comedy. It's happening. Drop it on that, man. As long as we're all here, big fucking happy families. A lot of weight in this room right now. A lot of weight. Bad motherfuckers in this room right here. This is like before after and after. This is fucked up way before. This is way before. But it's great to have you here on Wednesday night. I'm sure you're sitting home with 600 channels saying, When do I fucking tie the noose around my fucking neck? I got 600 channels and I'm still bored to fucking pieces. Unless the exorcist is on or something. You're fucking doomed to that. I don't know my time. Unless they got some on discovery by drug zinc and they show you some fucking Somalian chicks sucking dicks with mouth condoms. You know what I'm saying?

You ever see a dick suck with a mouth condom? With a mouth condom? Yeah. No, what's even the point then? That's what I say. I don't know. I'm fucking asking you. Listen, you're the decent one in the fucking group. That's why I never got my dick suck with a mouth condom. No. No, never. Never. I married a Jew bride, so I'm good. I'm good. They never do it. They don't. They're stingy. You're feeling good? Feeling great, man. What's going on in your life? Well, this month has been fantastic hanging out with their wife and kids. It's like my son and I've been fishing. This is funny. I was given the wife a little afternoon delight today, right? And my son knew that the door was locked with a little shit went around the deck and came in

through the glass door. He fucking busted me as I was busting a nut. It ain't like you could stop. She's squirming thinking that's going to make me stop. It did make me come harder. Shit. You just dropped that body weight on that. It was over. You ain't going nowhere. You ain't going nowhere. You're pinned. And my son was like, what are y'all doing? What are you doing? He's five. It's like nothing. Nothing. Just wrestling. Oh, yeah? Why are you naked? So people wrestle naked. Wait till you fucking grow up and they know you're doing Wednesday nights. You'll be at fucking Jell-O wrestling watching two fat chicks go at it, eat each other's ass so they can't find it. You ever go to that shit when you were a kid?

And you're not disgusted? I never went to one of those fucking things. No bikini, no wet contest, no nothing. I've seen one once in Columbus, Ohio. I saw one. It was part of a radio thing they were doing. And they had me do cut a commentary for the oil wrestling. And it's like the girl won by getting her in a Jiner lock, you know, reverse camel toe, camel clutch, and got her in a pussy lock. And it was great. So that was fun. But that's the only time I've ever done anything like that. I never went to a wet t-shirt contest, I don't think. I'm trying to think. I never really went to like a Jell-O contest. When I was growing up, that wasn't big during the nights. You know, like when I was growing up, Monday night was we went up to Ground Round. I don't even know if they're

around anymore. I don't even know what that is. There was a Ground Round restaurant in Englewood Cliffs that George is my witness. I used to dine and dance out of this motherfucker. I will call him right now. And I used to tell him he was going to know you did nothing. I go watch this. I'll go in there with you. I'll buy you dinner and around the margaritas and watch me go up to the manager and walk out. I would walk up to the manager with the tab in my hand, talk to him, go thank you very much, and walk out with George. George would say, how the fuck did you do that? I did it every week at the Ground Round. I fucking dine and dash. But on Monday nights when I was in school, they had a rib night. Ribs and Monday night football. So we went there. That's pretty strong. Tuesday night

was a place in Jersey City called Shalelys, a fucking Irish joint. You got an Alabama slammer and a mug of beer for 90 cents from eight to 10. You never saw nothing like that. Wow. From eight to 10, you could smell the rotten ass and the armpit, but you didn't give a fuck. You were 18 and you were getting fucked up. We were going at four of us with a grandma blow and do little bumps and drink Alabama slammers till our faces turned purple and mugs a Heineken. Wednesday night was this bar on Tonley Avenue. It was ladies night. So you went up to a chick, gave her 10 dollars and she got like 10 drinks. That was your big fucking night. You could get cheap drinks for a dollar. Hey, that's not bad, man. Thursday night we just went to a local place and then we're shooting

to New York City and then Friday night. That was it. I don't know. I don't know nothing about what these guys did. How about you? No, I've never been to one. I mean, I've never been been to a strip club. It just never appealed to me, but you never been to a strip club. No, I never felt the need to pay to see it. Like if I wanted to, I feel like at no level, no strip club at any level, no bikini bar. I always felt like the strippers would hate you. So that made me nervous and then paying to get in was like, fuck. So I never, I never, I don't know. So you need to go to a strip club in Canada where they, you could smell their fucking uterus. Yeah, you could stick your nose right in their fucking muffler. At least it used to be like that 12,

15 years ago on Bloor Street when I was a young, coked up comic. You go on a sniff a chick's ass off eight bucks. You could do all disgusting stuff. We're all pretty good looking chicks, you know. I'd listen, I don't mind going to a strip club. We're all dirty animals. But listen, after the age of 24, and I swear to my mother's grave, me going to a strip club to sit there and see a chick's titties. I don't want to go. I'm too much of, I was too much of an adult. At 16, I went to metal and Zen on Tunley Avenue. I saw Tina Petrillo sit on fucking Galliano bottles. I seen her put a pussy with Budweiser and spit it out the audience. No, I didn't know about that one. Yeah, bro. She used to take a Budweiser and put in her pussy and masturbate with the bottle

and the bottle would be empty and then the beer would come out of her fucking monkey and hit you. Jesus. You know what to see that at 16? What's a tick going to do for you? You'll never suck a tit again. You'll never suck a tit again. It spoils you. They had a map on 42nd Street to get to the metal and Zen. When they have a map to a place in Jersey, it's disgusting. And the chicks were hot. So when I saw that at that age, I never got my dick sucked in there. I'm not going to lie to you. I never got fucked back there. They said that if you pay the chicks, they fuck you right in the back. Well, that's the thing. I felt like it was a big tease. Unless you have a girlfriend at home, what are you going to go do? Go home and jack off? I was going to do that anyway. There's

a lot of strip clubs that you go and you give them $20, $40 and she'll say, is this all you want, baby? You tell her, no, what were you thinking? She goes, throw me a yardstick. I'll suck your dick right here. Yeah, but don't they all have a weird horrible kind of AIDS if they've been doing that for everybody? What was the last time you had AIDS? It went to the doctor and got it taken care of. Never, right? When's the last time you have you ever had a sex disease? Fuck, you know, okay, then it's time. You're 25. I want that 25. I had chlamydia, it's cousin. I had everything, syphilis. Yeah, I had everything at 25. I'm lying to you, but I had like crabs at 25. I had crabs already. I like having sex without a condom. I don't want to have to worry about that. Because

at this point, if Paula gets something, she's going to be like, you cheated on me. No, I know now, but you could go to Van Nuys and get a chick given extra 20. She'll suck your dick without a condom. Oh yeah, I used to live on Sherman Way in Sepulveda and all day, they'd be there, all day. You ever had the years to go over and get your stamenke licked? I was single for about a year and one time, like, someone got dropped off in a gas station that I was at. I was like, I wonder how much it costs. But then I was just like, I would feel weird about paying and then I don't want herpes. I don't know. It's too much. You just want your pulse licked like biggie in 85. That'd be great.

You don't want to hurt one time, so you could tell your friends I got hurt. It's not one time, it's forever. So what? You got a little pimple on your fucking toe, you put the makeup on and you go out and you breathe on people. What are you giving me? You give that hurt breath to them. Remind me not to share any drinks with you. It's awesome. But what's up, Don? Hey, man, I'm enjoying it. I'm just like hanging out with you, man. It's been too long.

Tell me something good. Tell me a story, something, a song, a concionette. My son has been fucking funny. Our neighbors got married. Gay Tony got married, right? Both of you have gay neighbors. How does this happen? It's called living in LA, man. You should have gay neighbors. I probably do. If you don't, then you're not living in a good part of town. I have a neighbor with no legs. Kind of freaks me out. She leaves the door open too. It's kind of weird.

What does she do? I don't know. She has a stripper pole in her living room. No, she does not. Yeah, she does. I think she does a proper body workout. And she just, she leaves the door open because her and her boyfriend don't like AC or something. You ever seen a bikini out? Yeah, she wears like a sports bra most days. She looked good.

Yeah, no, she looks great. You would get wrist stabbing? I don't know. With no legs, it might be. Where are the legs cut off? The kneecaps? No, it's like hips. It's like, she's like, it's... So that's funny that she's got the door open twice, I guess, huh? Pretty much. The worst thing, the worst thing I ever did that I still feel bad about is like a week after my 21st birthday, a buddy of mine took me out to go drinking

and we just, we went to a hotel bar and there's this other group of girls who are out there for birthday party and I was drunk. And we bought tequila shots for the entire table. But me and the other birthday girl were the only ones who drank them. And we were talking, we were talking. And then as we left the bar, I realized that her friends put her in a wheelchair and she was, she had her legs, but she couldn't walk. And I was so drunk and I made out with her that night.

And I remember calling people on the walk home from the bar in Boston. I was walking all the way back to my apartment because the trains were off. And I was like, I made out with a paraplegic. And I just remember feeling horrible about it for like six months. Have you lost your fucking mind? No. So you're over there swapping, spitting this girl can't run. Yeah.

You're over there slipping that jute tongue, you know what I'm saying, you dirty bastard. Yeah. You dirty bastard, that's why I love you. That's great, man. That's the worst thing I've ever done, I think. It's not even that bad, man. It's not even that bad, your number? Yeah.

Okay, then you didn't do nothing bad. That was bad. I called her like a couple months later, like a month. Yeah. Then what the fuck would you feel like? Well, I don't know. Fucking, what was I supposed to call her? I don't know.

I felt like. The next day. She just made out with you. Did you go home and blackout that night? Yes. Probably. Sure you did. Yes.

Because those balls were hard as fuck. Do you remember the first time you got blue balls? It was like, I was in high school and it was terrible. I didn't know what it was. I had to ask somebody like, why am I, it was after like a school dance sort of thing. And like the grinding thing. I was like, I couldn't walk. Not blue balls or when your balls get blue or like not blue.

They get swollen. It's hurt. It just, it's just pain. No, no. I got the thing where the, that's my side swallowed up. Yeah. No, I remember listening. My mom used to fall asleep this way on the bed with your feet on.

I had to be there and she'd watch TV close. We all watch TV close. So when she'd come home at night from closing the bar, she'd watch the news and shit and she'd fall asleep. I still remember freshman year. Like waiting to ask her, my stepdad wasn't home. Like to ask her, why are my balls? What happened to my nuts?

I was petrified. That's why I knew the time when she couldn't really look at them and remember would be in the morning. She'd be hung over and she'd be tied. I remember going in there telling the TV, oh my mom, I gotta ask you something. She's like, give my soul. And I remember taking my balls and why they saw her and she squeezed them.

And she's like, I don't know. What are you asking me for? Leave me alone if I get back. I ain't no fucking dog, man. Jesus Christ, leave me alone. And it was just beat off. I've never made out with no chicken or fucking guy. No, no, I don't know.

Man, I was babysitting a comedian that we know gets too wasted and angry. And he started making out with this girl who had had polio in India. And she was in a wheelchair. She had feeling, but she didn't have use of her legs. And he was making out with her and everything. And she was up for it.

It was her fat girlfriend that cockblocked her. Oh, no. I know, right? This guy was gonna fuck her. And she was gonna get a stabbing, you know. And her fat girlfriend said, no, that's horrible. Like you cockblocking bitch. You know, when you're young,

you always try to hook up with that drunk chick that tells you she sucks a good dick and shit like that. But I could never go for a chick that was, you know, fucked up. Well, physically, like, do you want to know the reason I didn't call her? Is I lived on the fourth floor of a walk-up. And I was like, how am I gonna get her up here with the wheelchair? Only you would think that far ahead.

What happened just taking her for Chinese food and putting on the training going on? Why you gotta bring up to the fourth fucking floor? That's pretend she wants to lick your balls. She don't have a basement? No, I guess a laundry room. Something. They gotta have something.

Why would you even not call somebody because you lived on the fourth floor? I don't know dude, I was drunk the night before. You always say something like that. You always think about things. I think about weird shit, man. Knock yourself out of the fucking box. You're a dark little fucking dude, man.

I guess. I love it. That's why I love you. I always knew you were a dark little Jew. You ain't no fucking angel. No, no. You're a homemade hours. You ain't there watching the espionage.

You're working off and watching videos from Hong Kong with Chinese chicks getting stabbed in the neck. It was bad when I was single like two, three times a day. Really, you were bangin'? At least. And you'd watch films from Hong Kong when we were getting beat up. No, that stuff freaks me out.

I had stuff where the guy smacks and punches him in the face. That always pisses me off. When they just bring that out in the middle of the video. Only you are a fucking crazy motherfucker, huh? It doesn't piss you off. You watch it and they just start the worst in when the girl pukes.

They push their head down. When they push their head down on the dick, man, I would say I won when the girl puked and I had to stop doing everything. You can stop whacking off. You never had a girl swallow your jizz and puke. No. And you make a sip of it with a straw.

I told you. That was the worst thing you ever said to me. That's not a real piss. That's Johnny Mandela. I'm gonna tell you what really pisses me off. That's Johnny football right there. I saw two things today that pissed me off. I keep seeing them once a week

and now I'm starting to see them two times a week. And they've just bothered me here. You get home. You have a good day. There was no traffic on the 101. You made it home. You know, you got some lemonade. You went to your computer.

You go, let me see the message, boom. You know, let me check my Facebook, boom. And all of a sudden you see like a fucking, today some guy put a video of a dog that had been hit by a car. And he was another dog and the dog was licking him, trying to wake him up. But the dog was dead.

I nearly fucking died. I nearly fucking died. Like, if you have an animal, why would you even watch this shit? And then two hours later, I leave, come back, and there's another fucking kid on there. It's gotta be two years old, eating on one of those tables, the high chair, and something happening. He's bleeding from his head

and his father's taking pictures of him. I was fucking like, are you fucking crazy? The kid's not smiling with blood on his fucking head. Like a fucking dog. You know, I don't get it. I don't get that Facebook and Twitter shit and I'm watching somebody. Every two fucking things on Facebook, they have an ad.

You don't know if they're telling you the truth. If it's a lie, people, what the fuck is going on with Facebook? Well, I don't like Facebook, because what you're saying, when you're scrolling down and like a video pops up, I almost don't even want to tell you this. But like there's ones where like people are hurting animals and stuff. But like it's just like, I can't even.

Everybody's pissed at some fucking chick because she kills lions, a cheerleader. That one, it's just the like, she's doing, she's hunting. So I mean, it's the people think hunting's bad and with the fences, if that's bad. That one, at least it's hunting. Like I'm talking about like people like hitting dogs with a stick and stuff.

It's just terrible. They always have one where a fucking cop shooting a fucking dog. I don't get that fucking phenomenon lately. These cops getting shooting a dog. And then two months later, the same cop gets hit by a fucking guy. A Japanese guy in a bike.

And then there are people like, oh, we feel so bad. Fuck him. He shot a dog six months ago. A dog. One time I was in Boulder. It had to be like in my darkest times. This is like darkest times. This is when you were bookmaking?

Yeah. Car selling? I was waiting to, I was waiting to go back into, because you couldn't really successfully get into the sports betting service, sports info. Until August 15th, especially at my level, I wasn't good enough to work baseball. Baseball, you got to pick out the real

degenerate gamblers. Football season, it's every three out of 10 people calling you fucking degenerates. So this is like July. And something happened. I'm on a bicycle. I got a 10-speed bicycle. You had a bicycle?

A bicycle. And I'm riding from Deli Zone, 20-inch street to my house. I lived in North Boulder, across the street from the North Boulder Rec Center. And I'm on a bicycle, and I'm driving up, and I passed a puddle car wash, and there's a Lincoln Continental play slash something else.

Doesn't really matter. And I got this bicycle. And you can't believe this story. I'm riding my bicycle. Also, next thing you know, a car pulls up next to me, and he ain't doing too fucking fast. He's going, you know, maybe five miles quicker than I am. And I look, and it's a student driver, right?

You can't ride this shit. And next thing you know, I can hear the teacher going, left, left, left. And this fucking dummy goes into the right lane, cuts me off. Cuts me off. I go halfway in the ditch. I'm like, what the fuck? And then the student teacher, the driver, gets out

and rips up the test. I don't know if I get that. Oh, no. And now Bob's his Asian kid. Don't forget that. I'm going to live to be 80. And I'm like, what? And the kid's like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. And the driving guy came out and he must have been Jewish. He's like, are you okay? We call them as if you need one. Shit, this motherfucker was pushing Norton and Fricky. But we have a nanny, an au pair, a Chinese girl, right? From like China, China. Okay.

And she's a lawyer and a judge in China. Okay. Really smart girl. She passed the written exam perfectly. Has failed the driving portion of the driving test 19 times. Okay. She's got a degree. All right.

And she has failed 19 times, bro. 19. Okay. And she's like disappointed. We wouldn't let her drive in of our cars. And it's like, you stink. I'm sorry. There's no way.

There's no way. So now I'm paying for driving classes for the driver. How old is she? She's a 26. And she's a judge and a lawyer. Yes. A fucking judge in China. Shit.

Yeah. And here she's a, she wanted to be a nanny because she just wanted to come to the states. So how long was she here for? Another year. Another year. Wow. Yeah. Crazy.

How you feeling, man? Teaching our kids Chinese. I'm like, yeah. I'm good. I'm starting to feel it. Good. You need to feel it. Man, I'm high as balls.

I just want everybody to know that. That's why I'm cooking with gas. What did you, what did you have? Did you smoke or eat it? Uh, I vaped it. Oh, okay. Yeah. I get ahead of it.

I didn't get offered a Chiba Choo. So I didn't, I didn't get on. Oh, okay. Givly. You know what, dog? You know what? I'm going to tell you what happened. The store has no more Chiba Choo's behind the able.

Again? They closed both the stores that we used to frequent. Oh. And this place last week was really good. But for some reason they haven't replenished their Chiba Choo. Nothing. Nothing. They have no peanut butter cookies.

They have no green hornets. They had a fucking green. What did I give you? Whatever I gave you is what they had. A hybrid. Yeah, I don't know what's when he gave me. I ate a sugar-free chocolate bar that I had at the house. It seems okay.

I had two of them that I threw away because they were old. I wasn't looking at my drawers or shit. I didn't find shit. But trust me, we had to get Lehigh to get the party started. Fuck yes, we did. Lehigh has to get the business. Lehigh's been coming with great stories. Lehigh's a fucking savage thing.

I don't know how many of them. Lehigh's a fucking savage and stuff. No, that's... You know, Leigh, my wife's a Jew bride and my kids are Jewish. Come on now. I know how it spreads. I can't. It's funny.

Joey talks about it. I have never dated a Jewish girl. Oh, yeah. Now I'm Jewish. I can't. I always relate them to my mother. So I feel your pain. But I'm sure she's a very nice lady.

But it's just, it's funny that a lot of most Jews don't date Jewish women. If they're not religious. But are your kids religious? Do they go to temple and stuff? We're going to start Saturday schools. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's not bad.

Joining that reform place over there on Hollywood. Yeah, reform is good. You'll be in another there in like an hour. Yeah. Orthodox is all day. All day. And they walk back and forth. Orthodox don't mess around.

You got to hold that big a scroll. Everybody's got to hold that goddamn thing around. Well, they have the Torah on all of them. But like Orthodox, like women and children sit on one side and the men sit on the other side. It's a... Where's this at now? All Orthodox, there's like different levels. It's like kind of like first, like the reform is like

kind of like fake. It's not fake Jewish, but it's like... It's just kind of Jewish light. Yeah, Jewish light. And then there's... Something with a C. Where it's like Jewish medium and then Orthodox. Like the guys with the hats and the Jewish sneakers you talk about.

Oh yeah, the stinky acetum. Isn't that what you call them, the stinkies? Stinkies, that's what they call them in New York City when I was growing up. Yeah, man. I was telling Lee that, well, people don't know in this country. He said, when I was growing up in the United States, okay, I don't know about none of you motherfuckers. When I was growing up in New York, you had two types of stinkies.

You had converse and you had P.F. Flyers, all right? Converse being what everybody had, but then all the aristocrats, because the marketing was you ran faster and you jumped higher and they showed you a white kid jumping over a fence. But we all bought it hook, line, and sinker until we threw an egg at a Jew over by the little temple there. They used to be a temple. And I'm not even trying to be funny. This guy chased us in cortisol.

Yeah. And I know that one of the kids said, what kind of sneakers he got on? Because he was crap. We all had P.F. Flyers. He was supposed to jump higher and run fucking faster. That's what they marketed. Now I'm getting caught by a fucking Jewish guy three times my fucking age. I looked down, he ain't got sneakers on.

He's got those black soul things. They got the rubber on the bottom. Those things are fucking, they'll chase you from here to fucking. Yeah. They're milkhouse on the prayer shoes. Nothing. Those motherfuckers are solid with the shield tip. Yeah.

The Jew is cool. He puts a little knife in there like a little shiver in there. Forget about it. But if you could see that, that's where Nike found out about the Jew sneaker. When Nike people got together, they said, listen, this all started with the Jew sneaker. But they didn't know what to call it. So they swish it. You know, that Jew, it's a J.

Oh yeah? They just twisted it. Like motherfuckers don't see this shit. I twisted a little bit. I got the motherfuckers don't see that shit. That J is twisted for Jew sneakers. See what I'm saying? This is what you learn.

If you've been watching Dancing with the Stars, you wouldn't have learned that shit. I just gave you a piece of sneak of fucking history that nobody fucking knows about. And today, no matter what Nike's making sneakers in Hong Kong, no matter whether five, six, three, they don't give a fuck with you. Jumping off a building after you make sneakers all day. 10% of every shoe goes to a Jew somewhere in this country. Amen. People don't fucking know that.

I guarantee Nike cut to check to somebody, some fucking Bahamian corporation, and it goes right back to five or six Jews in New York that said, that was us on the West Side in the 70s chasing little spiky things. Jew sneakers on the originals. What? What? What? What?

So you guys have been friends for a while. How did you guys meet? In prison. What the fuck? What's with the questions? I don't know. It's interesting. What the fuck?

We met at the Calvary store. Yeah. When I first came out here. 17 years ago. That's crazy. 18 years ago. 17 or 16 years ago. Yeah.

And you're part of like, because you tell stories a lot about that one on Gardner, I think? Oh yeah, 1440 North Gardner. 1440 North Gardner. Matt Flavor lived there when they towed his fucking house. He was living in that car. That freebie car. And remember I got my car towed. So we could go in and get all your shit put in my car and get my car out.

That's that's fucking, that's friendship. Yeah, that's a good friend. That's a good fucking friend. You know, it's we cleaned that fucker out. He even took your mail out of there. That's how strong I was. It's really weird. Last week I was talking to Lee one morning.

And I was at least getting started with exercising. Oh good for you, Lee. Yeah, it's been like three weeks. You gotta get up in the mornings and walk around. And I told Lee, you know, Lee, you're 25 years old. And I can see that Lee looked at me. We are like, oh man. And I went home and for a week I made even a list of being 25.

And what I felt at the age of being 25. And how all these guys around me have no idea that 25, I was making $7,000 a month but I couldn't pay rent. Do you understand me? That's crazy. I tried to figure it out in my head. I'm 63. So 85 years, 20 is 83, right?

Five years to that is 88. Before I got arrested, that 18 months before I got arrested, I was selling Subarus. I could sell a fucking ice cube to fucking Eskimos. I was making between $7,000 and $10,000 a month. And I couldn't pay a $250 rent. That's how much I didn't have it together. The car I had was a demo from the dealership.

But the car before that, I bought a car when I was 21, that this electrical circuitry went on it. And I came back for it three days later in Harlem. And the Puerto Rican stripped it down to the fucking bone. Oh my God. To the crack, to the car. Why did you leave a car in Harlem for three days? Because there was two feet of fucking snow.

Oh, okay. There was two feet of snow. I went to put the window up and all of a sudden I heard and the window started going down. And all of a sudden the stereo started going, like there was a bomb in it. Like before fucking they killed the Dero in Casino. Remember the sparks?

That's how it came out. I didn't know what to do. I hadn't seen Casino when I was a kid, but I thought something was going on. So I got out of the car. Like we finally closed everything up. It was snowing. It was an East Coast snow that was coming down.

The flakes were fucking big. And me and my buddy said, why are we waiting in this car? We got the 8-Ball. Let's hit a train back and come back after the snow storm. I came back after the snow storm and leave. The only thing that was left on that car was the bones. Was the chassis.

That's what you call it, the chassis. That's it. I was too scared to go back to a bank and get another loan. Do you know that that loan never appeared on anything? I've made three payments, maybe even four on that car. $212 a month, $190, something like that. Yeah. None of those payments appeared ever on my credit report.

The loan never appeared on it. Nothing. It was like a major known bank that just disappeared. Everything disappeared on that paperwork. Wow. Look at you. Everything disappeared from my credit report. But for years, I was scared to go back into that bank or any bank

because they were going to charge me for that car I left in Harlem. So it wasn't until I met Ralph again that I bought a fucking car. When I started dating Terry, I'm not kidding you. Yeah. Like at 25, I didn't have a car. When I got out of prison, I had a car. I bought a car. I'm sorry, I bought a car.

I bought a couple cars. I had a Ford truck and I had an Acura Integra. But after I lost the car in Seattle in 95, I didn't get a car again until 2005, bro. I used to borrow Ralph's car. What happened was some girl gave Josh Wolf a car. Josh Wolf gave it to me and she never gave Josh Wolf the registration. Well, fucking Hollywood police saw the car and every day,

they give me a ticket on the fucking car. I was living in the fucking car. I would live in the car and then go and take a shit in the shower at Ralphie's house. This is no shit, right? Pay up and podge it. This is no shit. I don't believe in the comedy store that'd be hot as fuck in the summertime. You know, I think that saved me in that car as I had air condition.

We had to leave it on though. I had to leave it on all night. I had to leave the fucking thing on all night. Yeah. It's amazing. And when they towed his car, Coco had a studio apartment about as big as his office check. And we were in there. We were piled deep, smoking weed, making gumbo for Jesus, killing AIDS.

Drinking Bloody Mary, something like that. Oh my God. We got so wasted drinking those goddamn Bloody Mary. Trying to fuck Jodie Ferlich and shit in the muffler. You're hilarious. I remember you dick slapping her right there. Here you go, bitch. Pow, pow.

Strong one. Those years before everything, she was so much fun to torture at night. Yes. Like just to have a drunk chick to torment and try to... Like every night I tried to fuck her for a year. Nothing. Nothing. I would say she had to only eat her asshole finger fuck you to death.

And she'd go like a little bitch. She'd get bent and she'd pick herself up and go. Yeah. And she'd realize what the fuck am I doing? Yeah, hysterical, hysterical, hysterical. And then one time in Lake Havasu, that bitch pissed herself. Why? Because she was that drunk.

Oh no. This is when Jodie Ferlich's ass was banging, right? So she's had the fucking thing. She's having it. We're at Lake Havasu. She tells me, listen, they only have one room. So it was me, her, and like Ricky Cruz in the room. And I'm praying that Ricky Cruz picks up a chick so I could fuck Jodie Ferlich.

And next thing you know, Ricky Cruz picks up a chick. And Jodie Ferlich's drinking those fucking tequilas and I'm like, edge of the mind. Yeah, I got her another one. And she's like, I don't think I'm good. Perfect. We start walking back to the room. This bitch is, I can see her legs are wobbling.

We get back. She pees and gets in the bed. And I'm like, getting ready to fucking give her a stab. I'm gonna dry up her first. Coming her ear and I'm gonna shoot her. I looked down on this bitch, pissed herself. In the bed? In the bed.

The bed was pissed. The jeans were pissed. I was trying to do a line of coke and get my dick ready and shit. No. There was piss everywhere. I had to pick her up and put her in the tub. It was fucking horrible. I mean, she used to be a lot of fun though.

She was a lot of fun. I mean, one night doing blow it and the cops pulled us over. She tried to put that blow in her snatched. I'm like, don't even think about it. Don't even think about putting that. Wouldn't it melt or fucking like? No, it don't melt. I mean, we weren't gonna put the coke raw in her pussy.

It was around baggies and you know, shit like that. What's up, Ralphie? Man, okay. The greatest Thanksgiving of all time, superly, was the Thanksgiving of 2006. All right. We had just got my house up in the hills. And it was our first Thanksgiving in it. And second Thanksgiving, I bet.

And Coco was coming over to him and Terry Clark, come back to Tennessee. And Coco was up there and I cooked. I cooked so much, man. We had a bunch of fucking, it was a party, a bunch of comedians. Coco smoked an ounce of raffer, ate an ounce of mushrooms. Oh no. Laughed his balls off. Fucking went and took a big, super big shit in my fucking bathroom.

Clogged it up. All right. Came back, ate another plate, smoked another two bowls. Okay. Super fast. And then went down to the comedy store. And the rest that happened on that, the Thanksgiving's a legendary Thanksgiving. The wife and I made our first child.

Okay. We got, we were on mushrooms and we made our baby. But Coco still had a more memorable night than we did. So I went up on stage and everybody was purple in the audience. Oh my god. Like that's all I remember from that night. Those, those mushrooms were great fucking mushrooms. Those mushrooms are good mushrooms.

That's the last time I probably did mushrooms. Really? It's that night. That was a great fucking party. How are mushrooms and acid different? Um, mushrooms are like black and white TV, acids like color. Okay. HD.

You know, it's different. But it's still just, I mean, it's good. I probably did mushrooms in my life seven or eight times. And it was always, I tripped. But it was more condense of a trip. Like it was over in four hours on this. I ate multiple mushrooms. Right.

With the acid I took, you're going for 12 hours. 12 hours? Oh man. 10 hours to come down where you think you're still not tripping. But when you take two hits of the joint, you start tripping again and shit. Yeah, right. Seeing shit hiding behind the fucking reality. Yeah man.

I did first time I did acid. I did five hits of acid with John Westling and in Houston. And he and I tripped balls for about 46 hours. Oh my. Is that fun after 10 hours? No. Oh my god. It's not fun no more.

You want it to stop, but you can't stop. You're in the middle of it. So you got to keep on riding the wave. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. So like some of this weed hits me for like 10 hours sometimes. But I don't get it.

I never, I've never hallucinated or anything on it. Are you still one of them? Yes. One more weed. Right before my mom died. When I was about 15 was the first time I started fucking around with the loose and the genics. And I didn't really know about them. And one night I ate some.

I went swimming with these older guys. We used to always do something on Sundays. And I went swimming with them. And I went home. I still remember I had an eight track play. Uh huh. And the eight track was Dark Side of the Moon. Oh shit.

And I went home and I got one song on the run. And that's the first time I really fucking tripped ass. Like trickly that everything I looked at was fucking wavering. Oh my god. Posters on the wall were wavering. You know if I got on. And then I loved it. And I would just do it on the weekends.

But then once my mother died I started selling it. And I was doing it every night. Wow. And every night I had a fucking adventure. But the one of the memorable ones was on my birthday when I turned 17. I was burning ass on acid. And I walked in the house. And as I'm looking at Mrs. Bender the phone right.

And she goes you might as well grab. It's probably going to be for you. Like okay. And as I walked to the phone I saw myself in the mirror. There was a mirror by the phone. Yeah. So I could see myself walking to the phone. And as I answered the phone it was for me.

You know there was no caller ID back then. So while it was talking to me. I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah. I'll meet you at nine by the five corners. And also I caught a glance at myself. And I saw my chin just dropping. And that was the best. That was like oh fuck.

And you don't panic when that happens? No I never really fucking panic. Like I told you I can't listen to like one time. I went home after you gave me an edible. And I tried to listen like Black Sabbath. Because you would say. And I couldn't make it through one song. My heart started beating.

I don't get nervous on weed like by myself. But like I can't like Black Sabbath. I can't do any intense TV shows. If it's really strong. If it's like an edible I can't out. It's I'm not at that level yet. Like when we're driving and we're fucked up. And I'm blasting music.

I can see that you're panicking. Well on the way home from San Diego last time. When we were both high. And you were doing about 80 maybe 90. AC on full blast. And all four windows down. Blasting. Blasting music.

You ain't gonna smell shit cop. Yeah all right. We weren't smoking. We weren't smoking. It wasn't. We don't smoke. We don't smoke. We had about a hundred milligram cooking each.

I was so fucked up. I was so fucked up. And then we got lost. And it started hitting me. And we started hitting. Yeah I started getting carsick. Like my daughter gets carsick bro. Oh so it's not good no more.

Yeah. Like now there's a point where you when she starts taking the pacifier out. Right. And you go on that's what happens to me. I get the acid reflux in my mouth. Oh fuck. I get car sick since I was a kid.

Even my uncle was like oh when we were kids. When we go to the beach you always get fucking sick in New York City always. So she gets it now. We go to Malibu. Whether we go to Panga Canyon. Oh yeah. To Panga Canyon was killer.

And 405 to 101. Don't matter. Don't matter. So fuck. What was I talking about? Fucking tripping my ass on. I don't fuck. Oh well yeah.

But getting too high on the way to San Diego. So we got so fucking high on the way to San Diego. I had to pull over. And I lowered the windows. And I got out of the car. And this is how fucked up fate is. I get out of the car. I start breathing.

I go to the island of serenity. I catch my breath. It's all going to be cool. And I look across the road. The road. And there's flowers and a tombstone. Like somebody died there the week before. And I'm like I'm dying with Lee.

And I even said something to Lee Lee. If we go down tonight. And then the fucking Indian Casino was right around the fucking corner. Yeah. It's right around the fucking goddamn corner. It was amazing. I liked it.

I liked it when it happened. Lee I didn't know you did stand up. No no I don't. No no. He just came down and told me to hang out. Sometimes I go to the shows. And because of the podcast. Some of the people know me now.

So I go and hang out. But no. Some people have asked me too. But no. I've never. I enjoy it too much. And I know I wouldn't be good enough to do it. So.

Oh man. Sounds like you got a little self defeatism. Yeah a little bit. But like I mean I remember watching. I don't remember the name of the special. But the one with Cuba diving in it. Oh yeah. Years ago.

Garth of a nation. Yeah. On. I don't even know if it was Netflix yet. Maybe it was Comedy Central. It was Comedy Central. Yeah. But it's just.

I've watched Comedy Specials for my entire life. And it's just. It's. That was 10 years ago. Yeah. That was 10 years ago. Yeah. Wow.

So it's 15. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty crazy. Crazily. So it's. I mean I. Who knows.

Maybe one day I'll do an open mic. But no. I just I like going and hanging out at Joey's shows. Yeah. Right. We go to a lot of shows. Yeah. Crazy shit happens at Cocoa shows.

It doesn't happen in place else. You know. He gives me so much weed. And I feel sometimes I feel bad. Like I'm like people come out to meet me and I just can't talk. But I feel like that's maybe what they want. Like some guys like you're high right.

And I'm like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And they get all excited. And then last we went to San Jose a year ago. He's going this weekend. Someone brought you liquid mushrooms.

And I was petrified that he wouldn't give me them. I'm like please don't give me liquid mushrooms. And that was the night that Auntie Dolores came. And I went outside to get air. But it was hotter outside than it was inside. And the doors to the improv locked. And thank God she was coming down. Because I was petrified that it'd be locked outside

for like two hours. That was when I was getting anxiety attacks. I was on the stop the room. Yeah. And I was fucking getting horrible to start anxiety attacks. So I'm at the whatever. And I had to eat like an edible 200 milligrams.

And Auntie Dolores came in. And she had a 500 milligram brownie. And I took half of it broken. Doesn't even taste good. It doesn't. Listen to me. It doesn't taste good. It doesn't taste good.

As I'm putting it in my mouth. I'm like what am I doing? Right. Like what am I doing? I'm eating this thing. The MC's on stage. He comes up. So I just got Butch on stage.

Butch got 25 minutes. All right. About at the 23 minute morning. He came up to me. He goes Butch has two minutes left. I went to turn around. And like my whole body just went. Like I could feel it from my baby toes to Louis.

The second toe. For the second toe. Louis. So there's a big toe all the way up to my neck. To the back of my. I could feel it. And I remember going to the manager. The manager.

To the end guy. Yeah. He do me a favor. He's like what Joe? What did I do for you? I go get me something to eat. Anything. Like when you go in the kitchen.

The first thing you see. I don't care who belongs to. And he kept trying to ask you what you want. And you're like. And like the second thing he said was shrimp. And you're like. Find shrimp. Anything.

Yeah. It was right up. And he came right back. And I ate two shrimp with the fucking tails and everything. Yeah. Right. I ate a handful of french fries. And I was back.

That walked down the stage. So the improv. That's a long fucking walk. That walk. Got my breathing going. I got on stage and bam. We were okay. But I was getting big time anxiety at that time.

Yeah. Big time. Like another time I was at that McCormick and Schmitz. By myself. And that was the week I got the ear infection. And I ate an edible. And I couldn't hear. So I walked into McCormick and Schmitz.

I'm sitting in the deep corner. And my hearing was off. So my equilibrium was off. So the voices were going in and out of my ears. And also the play started spinning. Between the hearing and the fucking. And I'm like I'm not going to be able to make it to the door. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

That's the first time I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I would go down and start shaking. And they would have to go Joey come down. I would just go fucking all fucked up and start starting. And you'd have to like tie me up and give me a sedative. Like that's how much I was starting to get that type of panic. Like I was going to panic. And I started breathing, breathing, breathing.

And I got up and I didn't look at the door. I looked at the floor. I looked at the floor and walked through the door. And by the time I made it outside she was like are you going to go? Are you going to go? Let me just get some fresh air. I got some fresh air. And I was back like herpes insanely.

But no, no, I get them. I get that shit. I always get that shit. You got to be careful what you eat here. You get that quickly. I've gotten, I took some stuff from the flu before. That I was so panicked and had so much anxiety. I thought I was about to fall through first class on the airplane.

And so you're up there and you're in total fucking panic. You know, as you're fucking relaxing supposedly. You're just a fucking, inside you're screaming. And you can't tell anybody, hey, I took way too much fucking of an edible. This is really fucking me hard here. You can't say that to anybody. When you eat pot in the plane, you're really, you're taking your life into your own hands. I didn't like it when you were doing it.

And it's happened to me two or three times where I've been close, one time from Chicago, one time from Miami. And I think there was another time that I really had a, like I really had a fucking thing twice like before the plane took off. But you just can't get up and abandon the ship. They'll fucking ID you and talk to you and ask you questions. Why by that time you're fucking falling apart. So you don't want to go through that.

So you just close your eyes and fly and pray for the stewardess to get to you with something to eat. Oh my God. You did it to me when we went to Austin and we had to take that bus to the plane. The bus that was like 25 minutes and I was, I did not like it at all. Yeah, I don't, you know what, man? I fuck around with people and stuff like that. But it is, it's, it's, it's not for everybody. No, it's not.

It's not. Ari had a hard, a hard time on a plane. Tom Segura had a hard time with an edible on a plane. When you give him a green hornet. I gave that, I gave everybody a fucking green horn. I'm going to listen. If you're going to go, go. The thing is, you're not prepared.

If you do, and I'm going to tell you something. One time I tell you what did give me anxiety, the iPod. Oh yeah. The music all in your ears. Yeah. That music sometimes, sometimes I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to hear the fucking airplane for a while. Just hear the whatever.

What did people used to do on airplanes? It sounds like a stupid question. But when there were no TVs and no iPods, tape players, that's it's reading. They read. They got fucked up. There was always a movie. And there was a party.

People were smoking and drinking. There was always a party. They were smoking and drinking on planes, upstairs. First class used to be upstairs. Oh, shit. I remember flying as a kid. And the first class was upstairs and they had a guy on a piano. Yeah, and a fucking piano.

That play. Yeah. They had food on the fucking piano. One time me, my mom and my stepdad went to Puerto Rico. I was about six or seven. I was a little klepto already. I was already getting desires and shit. And again, in the first class in those days,

there was hand creams. Oh, yeah. There was colognes. There was aftershave. I got on the fucking first class. I go in the back and look at this shit. I started hitting the aftershave. The fucking thing, I'm sick.

So I'm hitting the aftershave like I know somebody. Yeah, right. I'm hitting the hand cream. I go, well, how much is this? So I get free. I go, are you kidding me? I can steal each of these and sell these for two bucks at the bar. So I take the puke bag.

That's my brilliant idea. I take the puke bag and I go back to first class and I fucking take everything. But I left the one thing open. Me and my mom, my stepdad walk off the plane, we'll walk off the ramp. The people are happy to see us. We're happy to see them.

The family were meeting. And all of a sudden the fucking bag rips because I left the cream open. And the bottle ripped and all the bottles broke. In those days, there was no plastic. Everything was made out of fucking glass. Yeah, right. Everything fell, broke, and the echo at the airport

sounded like a gun went off. Everybody turned around and looked at me. My mom just walked away from me. I'll never forget that. I go in the cab going, really? We need to steal fucking perfumes. I'm going to kill you when we get to the hotel. I don't want to punch the fuck out of you

in the hotel room. You know what I'm saying? Like, really? You need to steal perfumes? I'm telling you, there's a dollar a piece. There's 40 fucking perfumes. I was going to cut you in. Yeah, right.

You waited for the small nickel. I thought about you today. I stole something today. What'd you steal? At lunch, the freaking Mediterranean place took like 20 minutes. And they charged me like $15 for like a small plate. Who's this?

The Mediterranean place I went to. Right, I dropped off my laundry. And they had a cool right, like a small one, with waters. And I was like, fuck, I want a water for lunch. And I didn't want to weigh back in line. I just took one and held it below the counter. And I was like, it was exciting. I haven't stolen something for a while.

I felt really good. I felt like it was exciting doing it. Man, you know, Lee, with the greatest thing was, we always had weed. And we always had a lighter because Coco would make his personal mission. Still, every new big lighter set that came out from 7-Eleven. The football fucking collection.

He had all of the football collection. All the football. I'll get Terry to call in at one time. In my hat, in the living room, when I moved in with Terry, there was a baseball hat in a drawer. At one time, there was 60 lighters. Easily. And I was pissed.

And never paid for one. Not one of them. I think I stole six was my record. At the 7-Eleven in Curson, that guy in there. In Sunset. Yeah. In Sunset. They used to put the big lighters right by the register.

And I clipped two or three of them and pay. And by the time he looked at my hand, I was going in my pocket to take the cash out. So would you? Oh, he went to get cash. He didn't put none in his pocket. Right. Yes, I did, you dummy.

I'll put three lighters in that, dummy. Yeah, Coco was the best. Always had fire. No, we always had fire. Always. Do you ever get caught? I got caught in Idaho one time, bringing the tent back. Oh, yeah.

Well, I got caught one time in Boulder when I was out on bail. One time I was out on bail. And it was funny, Rogan went to Boulder. And when he came back, I asked him the first time. I go, what did you think? He goes, you know, for two hours, I thought about you in 1985. It must have been like easy pickings. I go, you have no idea.

Oh, yeah. That's land of the white people. Listen, you gotta remember, for me, being a gangster or a criminal wasn't stabbing people or robbing people. For me, it was, I didn't even want to sell drugs. If I could shop lip CDs every day from Woolworths, and get away with it, I wouldn't. I could, you know, I'm that simple of a fucking thief. And in Boulder in those days, it was Sears. Yeah.

You know, first of all, if it's a college town, so there's always record stores that buy CDs at, you know, 60 cents a box. I hate Sting's music. You know about that one, do you? No, mine was strawberries. Okay. And then I forget what it was on the hill in those times. That hill, that college hill, I mortified that hill in 1985.

Yeah. I mortified that hill from 85 to like 94. There was a student center. I took the watches, took the staff, the watches. They were never hip to the watches even being gone. That's how good I was. I took all the cross pens. If there was a cross pen in Boulder, I took it.

I would sell it to this. I would sell it at the car dealers where I worked. I was a car salesman. But at lunchtime, I would go for Coke money. Yeah. I would go to the things remembered. Those stores where they fucking, they engrave all your shit. I would go in there and look for the cross pens and ask the lady to show me one.

And she'd open up the bottom drawer and pull one out. And I go, ooh, I left my wall in the car. And then she'd walk away and leave the drawer open. And I'd take 10 of them. It was like every fucking day I did this shit. This was amazing how easy it was. Every fucking pen store. Did you ever, like, did they have metal detectors of the stores at that point?

Because I always got, when I went around to steal something, I only did it probably less than 10 times. But I was always nervous making that step over the metal detector. You know, it was funny and bold that at that record store, they would buy anything. And the Sears, not the Sears. What's the radio shack in 85? I'll never forget this. In front of the radio shack, you know, they always put like CDs and like whatever's on the sale.

These motherfuckers put a CD player. This is when the fucking CDs first came out. Right. So I actually wanted to, I looked at that thing and I go, yeah, I made a mental note. Like, I'm taking that. I was never the finesti. I was always the thief that you looked at and said, what's that guy doing?

Oh, he knows what he's doing. We're not going to ask him. I would just go. I'll never forget. I went, I looked, they were on the back of the store doing the search. Who did you get to drive to get away? Nobody. Nobody.

This is when I was driving myself in Boulder. How hilarious. I fucking walked into the thing, looked into the back. They were all doing something. It was off to the side and blocking them was like something. I unplugged it, wrapped it around and walked. You unplugged it? Unplugged the motherfucker.

And walked out of the store, out of, got in my car. What I was doing in Boulder at that time, 85 was I'm embarrassed about, but it happened and I can't turn the clock back. I was, I was just paying my way. You know, I wonder if you could do it now. Like, it'd be a funny TV. Should be like, this guy was a thief 20 years ago. This is what's going to happen.

This is what's going to happen. And today's, let's say you had moms working at these places. Yeah. And one day somebody comes in and they go, where, where are the watches? The watches. And then they were, they were just, that's what I used to do. Like people go, what happened to the watch? I used to take the whole case.

Right. Like once I took a case one time, I knew I could take a case all the time. Why take two watches and you could take the whole fucking case? I'm going to sit there. Like the display case? Yeah. Like I'm going to sit there for two days, fidgeting a lot. Yeah, right.

Really? I ain't the pink panther. I ain't going to get in there. I ain't no master thief. So you just pick up the fucking display, throw a jacket on top and walk out. Like you own the thing. You'd be surprised how many people would look at you and say, stop thief. Because nobody would do something like that.

Yeah. Nobody, even if your mind caught it, you're like, what is that man doing? And unless you work there, you're not going to say nothing. Right. Right. So I would make sure nobody who worked there saw me. But why would I have to fidget with something to take three pens when I could just look around, disconnect it, put that motherfucker over my shoulder, the River Dirtchy Lurchy.

You know what I'm saying? That is hilarious. Holy shit. I can't even imagine. I guess you go to pawn shops to sell it? If you go to a pawn shop, they're going to do paperwork. Okay. You know, they're always going to do paperwork, especially now.

Now there's nothing you could sell. Everything has a fucking thing. You sell something, they take a fingerprint. Three months later, they knock on your fucking door. This came up late in the robbery. You're done. You're done today. Unless you get some Russians who melt that shit and give you 80 cents on the fucking dollar,

which ain't going to happen. But they got them. Listen, you go to Glendale, they'll take care of anything. Yeah, those cash for golds have to be. Yeah. Well, those cash for golds take the ID and the VIN. But again, those cash for golds give you a percentage of where your gold is worth. Right.

So if your gold is worth 20, I'm just taking numbers here, $20,000 for an engagement ring, because it's 10 ounces of fucking gold. Okay. Whatever the fuck that gold. What's golden ounce, Ralphie? It's over 2,000. 2,000. So 10 ounces, $20,000.

All right. They're not going to give you $20,000. They're going to give you, they're going to try to give you 14. But you're going to drill them down to 16. And they're going to get it for 20, even though it's worth what? When I say 20, they're going to get 19. 18, 5. So in the transaction, you're going to make $2,500 in one day.

That's not a bad fucking payday for them, especially if they do 10 of those. Right. Yeah. They do 10 of those. You know what I'm saying? So that's everything. So I remember robbing places and getting rid of the gold. One time I got caught in 10 of Flying New Jersey because I bought gold, sold it, and I got nailed.

I didn't rob it. I bought it. Somebody came up to me and said, you want to buy a chain? I got 13 bucks. Yours. Boom. I went over, sold, got 200 for it. And three days later, I had two cops knocking on my door in 10 of Flying New Jersey

for possession of stolen property. You're following me? So that's another one you never know about. You might buy some gold and it's got a VIN number on it, a little code on it, or somebody lost it from a fucking house. But I've also gone into jewelry stores where I looked at them and said, Doug, I got a bag of fucking goodies and this shit. This is a big place across from Hashways.

Right across the street from Hashways. There was a guy that bought red coins and shit. If you're going there, look them in the eye and go, Doug, take a look at this. What can we do today? He take a look at it and go, I'll give you 20 and a check. I'll give you 13, 5 and cash right now. You want the check? You have to go to the bank, do site D.

They're going to take the VIN number on the check. Plus I got the paperwork on the stuff you gave me. So if there's a ring in here, don't belong to you. The cops are going to know about it in three weeks. I'll give you 20,000 right now to check. But I'll give you 13, 5 and nobody knows this transaction happened. What would you do? 13, 5, man.

It's Friday. Fuck it. You didn't pay nothing for it. You just kicked the door down and picked up a fucking dresser. Just kicked the door down. Some of your ladies yelling right now. Speaking of North Bergen, just because I'm so fucking high. What would you do if you had a Chang straggling it right now?

Because I'm getting to the poor. I'm hungry. I got a fucking salad. Let the fuck out of here. That air crawl. I would walk into chans. I'd open up with two egg rolls. An order of pork fried rice.

A medium order of shrimp and lobster sauce. With no peas and carrots, by the way. No, fuck the peas and carrots. Bring them. Fuck it. It's all coming from Japan now. I'm going to go on the dark anyway in three years. I went to that fucking Malibu beach last week.

Let me tell you something. When you walk out in Malibu, hasn't Matt asked to be there? I thought about it the other day. You could smell the Japanese radiation in there. The rocks were fucking dead. There were rocks that were dead in that fucking beach. There's everything. And my wife stepped on tar.

Where'd that tar come from? That tar's from fucking New Orleans eight years ago. Whatever the fuck that was. Something. Yeah, it's out there. So the water system, that's why I was telling you that day, who's ever selling this fucking water is making a million. Where's he getting this fucking water from?

What glacier? I want to see the fucking glacier. This is ocean water. Somebody's at home tipping champagne right now. Oh, that is out. You see how much they, do they sell waters at the wine? They sell something at the wine, but there's a water fountain. Where do I give a fuck?

Because they sell a bottle like that and 24 hour fitness for $350. How do you even make that money? Off the $40 fucking fee that you pay in a month? Hey, they got to pay a lot of people to beg you. What'd you pay for initiation? $50, I think. $50 for initiation, $40 a month.

Yeah. So you're going to give them what? You're going to give them a nickel for your first year $350 of water every time you got it. No, no, no. I bring, I bring, I was going to get a bubbler, like one of those things, but they, you have to spend $30 bucks a month

and I was like, well, I'm not spending that. What's a bubbler? Well, the tank, the thing you have, they deliver the big ones to the house, but they said you have to spend $30 bucks. Now I don't drink $30 bucks of that because the freaking, the big tub itself is only like six or seven bucks.

I was like, well, that's like a shower. I'm a fucking, I'm a fucking nut sack. That's good water. Oh, well, yeah, it is. You call them bubblers? What do you call them? I don't fucking know. Water.

I don't fucking know. I didn't even have a name for it. Okay. Look at the shape you're already scratching your neck. I have like five more minutes. Five, what five minutes? We got shit to do. No, no, no, I'll be here.

I'm just saying. You're fine. You're going to be fine. Drink some water. Take some deep breaths, cock sucker. He's flying. That's what he's supposed to be. That's why he's the fucking flying juke,

because he flies. You don't fuck around. He is not fucking around. I know. I told him when I called him today, I said, how many fucking cheebrots are you going to eat? He's lucky. They only have one.

If not, he'd be ten of them. If I had ten of them, he would have been the Ralphie Maze in the fucking house. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. I had ten fucking ten of them. Yeah, you have a reputation. Especially on RA,

because RA talks about you all the time. Like you were the number one between you two, I think, for tolerance for weed. And you would have ounces. And I can't even. You don't smoke at all no more. No. Not at no edibles?

No, no, I do edibles. But I've been doing the breath strips. The cannon strips. You still got them? Yeah. How many you got left? Oh, fuck your shit. Are they still making them?

Still making them. Come on. Who's still making them? Matt's. Matt's Cushmark. Are they still open? They're not open in Hollywood anymore. They're open downtown.

But I get it delivered. It's awesome. Matt's downtown. Yeah. At the, what is it? The, what's the free, the 110? And the, what happened to the one in Hollywood? He closed it because he got a space down there.

He's going to do a whole farm. So, you know, they're growing up. People are expanding. That fucking Matt's OG used to be a good reefer. Seriously. Still good, Jack. That was a good reefer. Still good.

And he still has it downtown? Still got it. He still has it downtown? Yes. Wow. I bumped into him at the mall. And he was half losing bots. And he had long hair and he told me he got busted.

Yeah. And he said he couldn't find spots anymore. So, you know. Yeah, he got busted. And, but then he got it back together. And then he closed it when his lease went out. Because the rent was too high. And opened it downtown.

The 110 and the 101. You know, it's, it's really crazy, Ralphie, that you're here. Because Lee wants to know all this shit. And it's amazing, man, that we were just kids in this town when we met. Yeah. 17, 18 years ago. He was a scared fucking kid. Yeah.

We were just God here. Oh man. My manager that brought me out here. And got me the lab factory and the comedy store and everything. Guy diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. And I'm like, well, I'm barbecuing. Cocoa's over. Where I'm spending 300 a month to sleep on Joy Medina's apartment floor.

Okay. All right. Everybody else is paying 150. I'm paying three to sleep on the fucking floor. What the fuck's happening here? And I'm, I'm barbecuing outside and Cocoa's there and I'm telling him, like, Joey, you know, this is real. And I'm at the brink of tears and he goes, what the fuck are you going to do?

That bitch has got one foot in the grave and another one on a banana pill. Let's go get it together. It's time to make a move. Jamie Masala, Jamie Masala had approached him. Yeah. And said, I want to start giving you spots. I want to sign you as a manager. His manager, at this point, it wasn't that his manager had the cancer.

She was already, she had weeks left. It was just a matter of time. She was very sick. Yeah. You know, we knew that she had the cancer for a while. At this point, it had gone a little too far and it was just any day. People knew her knew it was going to be any day, you know. So Ralph, he came up to me and said he had the opportunity for a lifetime.

I mean, you didn't want to tell her before she died, string her out. You know, she's going to be on like pills or whatever the fuck they give them. Right. So that's what I told him. That was why I said to him, you know what? She got one foot in the grave on a banana pill. You're going to be here 30,000 years after she's dead and gone, you know. So you got to make your move now.

You only got one shot at this. And that was the rest. I thought he took over the stand-hold thing. That was the little stand-hold boudoir. Yeah. He made his own and then Gavin lived in the building. It was now a bellman. Really?

And a hotel in Hollywood. Yeah, he had some Teddy's wife last week, two weeks ago, some shit. Oh, wow. You know, he's still telling people he's a fucking producer. That's another earthquake. The producer. You know, the one lady, Celine, is in Ohio. Yeah.

Jody Ferdy is not a landlord. Oh my God. I'm the building of 1440. And 1440 was a comedy college. It was. It was a comedy dorm room. It was a comedy college. You didn't know what you were going to end up there.

I saw Jay Moore there. I saw so many people in that fucking building. Dice clay. Was it close to the store? Like, why do you think? Because Ralphie lived there. We had barbecues. Ralphie always had.

I remember one night he deep fried a fucking turkey back there. But what the problem was, there was four other people. Once Ralphie lived there, somebody else moved in. Gavin moved in. Right. Then Celine's moved in. Then Gentry moved in. So those were the original four.

Well, that's like fucking starting up a city there. This building was a court. Stacey was there for a long time. Stacey was there. It wasn't a quiet building. It wasn't a quiet area. No. When we first moved there, there was hookers.

I was in there snorting blow with Joey. And I heard some fucking guy telling the hooker to suck his dick right. Like, you've been sucking my dick and all I feel is teeth. I mean, it was fucking crazy. It was crazy. But they cleaned. Then there was a dead hooker. When you first got there, they killed the hooker in the front.

Way before I ever got there. But when Ralphie first got there, this is what the situation was. So this is Ralphie lived on. What was the name of that street? Gardner. Gardner. Yeah. The street next to it was Vista.

And I was sleeping on Josh Wolf's couch. So Josh Wolf and his brother lived in this crazy building on Vista. He lived on a potentially crazy building on Gardner and the block over Sierra Madre had Nick DePaolo and fucking Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. It was a bop, bop in neighborhood. You bump into people. You bump into fucking people.

Big stars. Yeah. You know, and Stan Holt lived on the block after that. Yeah. So he lived on Curson. So Curson, Sierra Bonita, these are all streets that are one after another. All the way to fucking Vista. So it was a comics paradise there.

You know, so you just crisscrossed. And it was just, listen, man, I don't remember. I remember 20 years ago, but I have a hard time remembering like Ralphies like that. I know. Oh man, because we were fucked up. We go there at night. All the time. We drink.

Ralphies vodka. Yeah. You know, Ralphie didn't have no money. No. I had two dollars. Jody had three dollars. Ralphie gave you the fuck he had. Those gumbos.

He, you know, he cooked those on the craze. His mom would send him money or somebody at the lab factory to work somebody to write jokes for it. Right. He was always very thoughtful, very generous with us, but we didn't have no fucking money. But we always drank vodka. We drank that Bloody Mary mix in Texas. Yep. What was the name of it?

Mrs. T's? And no, no, no. No. It's a. It's fucking amazing. And I've never even told you I drank Bloody Mary. No, it's the Bloody Mary. It's a Texas blend.

And I can't remember the name of it. Delicious. God damn it. So good. But you think back. You think that that was us. Like you ever think back that that was us. Five kids in a building.

Yeah. And there was always Ricky Cruz was there. The kids. Right. Bezo La Muerte was there. Yeah. Bezo de la Muerte. The guitar player.

We used to call him the kids of death. It was the kids of death. So he said in Spanish. Bezo. De la Muerte. De la Muerte. Oh my God. We'd yell it.

Oh my God. The one you guys called me the kids of death. There was just, it was, I mean, I can't tell you all the sexual situations we got into in that building. So many. Disgusting. The roof to the second floor. To the laundry room. To the laundry room.

It was disgusting. It was just a disgusting situation. I never got my dick sucked by Tessa. No. How I wanted. She said that she sucked it. You know the inside of your dick hole has that skin. She sucks the wrapper right out.

Usually don't lose that skin to you about 48. When you're 48 you'll be bang one day. And the skin from inside your pee hole falls out. The skin inside the pee hole? Yeah. Like Lizard skin. You ever see a Lizard when he sheds a skin? Yeah.

Well Tessa would suck it out of you when she was, when you were 20. That's how good of a dick she sucked. I never got my dick sucked by Tessa. Everybody else in the building got their dick sucked by Tessa. Tessa never sucked my fucking dick. Unbelievable. One time I was going to do laundry and I stopped halfway down because Coco was banging some little girl on the fucking washing machine.

And it's like I'm not going to go down there and cock-block him. I can't imagine you're quiet. Like you can't be, I don't know. Oh my god. It sounded like he was beating the shit out of that machine. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh god, oh god. They're like oh fuck.

Fucking crazy, crazy, crazy shit man. We've had some fucking good times man. Has Coco ever told you about bobbling and dobbling? Okay this motherfucker bombed on eight minutes, bombed and gets a smoking hot chick in the fucking refrigerator, downstairs, eating their pussy and digging in her fucking pocketbook after he did her blow, looking for hundreds and fucking up, only pulling up fives. That was a chick, no. That was a chick I robbed from the lab fact.

That's a different broad. This chick I met her, I was talking to her in the hallway after I bombed. Alonzo Bowden was talking to a friend and I'm talking to this girl. I'm fucking crazy at the time, Lee. I'm fucking crazy, bro. I'm fucking crazy. It's 9.15 maybe, five after nine maybe. I just get off stage.

It's packed. It's so packed that there's people in the stairway watching the show, which is impossible, but that's how packed it was. And you would say, what did he say? There's these three girls in there that you could tell that they fucking went out to get some action. And one of them came up to me like, oh my god, that was so good. Obviously he didn't want us to sit because I just died in front of 300 people, executives

on a Tuesday night, had to fucking double. But the beauty of this was, I'm talking to the girl. We're talking about this and that. And she says to me that she's got blow. And I go, really? Oh my god. No, I don't have to lie to anybody. I went out with $2.50 in my pocket.

$2,050, maybe. And a book of matches. And a book of matches. Maybe, maybe, maybe guys. $2,050. I got no reason to lie to nobody. So when this chick says cocaine, my ears pop up. My intentions were to do a bump for her.

Those were my intentions. She goes, do you want to do a blast? I go, yeah. What do you got? She goes, an eight ball. Oh fuck. It's going down. It's got three and a half G-bos at Coke.

It's a Tuesday night. I got $2 in my pocket. That means I'm going to have to, for me to get a package, I'm $18 minus. And how much do you get for $20? $20, you get a little couple of tastes. But at least you get the party started. Then you get more confidence to borrow more money. So fuck it.

I am $18 away from getting my first package. But this crazy chick, who's not bad looking, comes up to me. She's pretty good looking. Yeah. And tells me she's got an eight ball of Coke. Big taste. Nice. I'll tell you what you need.

So I go, where can we do it? She goes, I don't know. So come on, follow me. You know me. I'm a fucking, I walk down. I got a plan. I got a plan. I walk and I hold on to this door and it's a beer freezer.

Uh-huh. And they got light in the middle. And the door closes over here. And they have shelves with cases of beer and cases of whatever. And kegs and stuff. So give me, give me the bomb. And there's a cake. There's a couple of kegs in the middle.

I go, give me the bomb. She takes it out. We're doing a couple of bombs. We're doing bombs. We're bumping. Fucking yeah, man. This is great. You have got great tits.

And she's like, you like them? Yeah. Show me one of those motherfuckers. And this chick pops out one of these fucking monsters. And I'm sucking on this fucking nipple. And I start feeling a fucking monkey. And she's moaning and growling. I say, has anybody ever put a Coke rock on your pussy

and ate it? And she goes, no. I go, tonight's your lucky fucking night. And I pull her pants off. I sit it down on one cake. And I put each leg on a cake. And this chick's got her jeans off except for one leg. The jeans hanging off the one leg.

And I'm doing bumps. She's like, slow down with my Coke. Oh yeah, whatever. And I'm doing bumps. And I got on my hands and knees to eat her out. So I start licking her. You got to put a little humidity on the pussy. So the Coke sticks to the monkey.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to get the piss off. That's the worst thing. So I sniffed it. It was fine. I licked that little fucking dragon. The wings opened up.

And I put a little Coke rock in. And then I'm blowing in there. I'm making the Coke pick up some momentum, right? Like a fucking, I'm blowing the Coke and her pussy. And I can see that pussy starting to move. It's making that spider movement. When you like throw water at a spider, it's just running up the fucking thing.

And I'm eating that little monkey. And she's starting to moan. And all of a sudden, the door whips open. And it's a Hindu with two big guys behind him. She's like, put on your pants, you fucking whore. And he goes, now, this time, when I was eating a pussy, this finger, I took the Coke and put it in my sock. Because I was down here.

I wasn't going to leave it on the floor and step on it or whatever on somebody's floor. So when he came down, he goes, I already contacted the police. The police is on their way. We know you have drugs. Put your pants on your whore. And she's like, did you just call me a whore? And now she's getting into the arguing with this fucking Hindu.

Fuck you. Let's just call me. And I'm like, dog, fuck this shit. So I'm already looking at the door. But he's got two doormen with him. Let's walk upstairs. We have the cops waiting for you. I'm like, what the fuck?

So I get out to the front. And somebody, I see somebody. And I go, tell Joe Rogan, the cops got me here. The cops were not there yet. The three doormen were watching us. The two doormen and the one Hindu doormen. But I was on one side and the girl went to have girlfriends. And the girlfriend's like, what's the problem?

What seems to be the problem? And he's like, don't worry between me and her. She cannot leave. And then the girl's like, leave. And she's like, I can't. Leave, leave. And they go on back and forth. And the next thing I know, I'm sitting there.

Rogan comes out with Willy Bar Center. And he goes, what happened? I go, dog, they caught me in her pussy and Rogan's house. I know they didn't. Yeah, Willy Bar Center. So Rogan goes, I'm going to stay here. You got my number. Here's $100.

Call me when you get to the police station. And let me know what's going on. I go, all right, fuck it. I'm looking around. And the one door guy is looking this way. The Hindu, the one that came downstairs, is talking to the girl and her friends. She's saying that it was me.

Now, meanwhile, I'm holding tough that eight ball in my sock. Yeah, man. Plus Rogan threw me a yard stink. Right? And I'm sitting there, six, seven minutes go by, and the one fucking door guy is watching me. He's like 10 feet away from me. But he's looking at me, so I don't go nowhere.

And I'm even like talking to people. And he's like, oh, excuse me. Don't go nowhere. The cops are coming. So I know he's watching me. So I look up. And who do I see coming from Miyagi? You know, you could eat my main dog right here.

Ralphie, man. That's it. Walking across the street. Don't be as fucked. When he comes to me, I go, dog, get your car. Because as soon as he came to me, something had happened. So the door guy that was watching me knew I wasn't going to go nowhere. So he started helping somebody else in this situation.

He was at the old Dublin. Yeah. So once I see Ralphie, I go, Ralphie, get the car. He goes, I have a spot. I go, Ralphie, get the fucking car. Ralphie goes, gets the car. He pulls up. This guy goes over to help.

And I just walk over to the side, get in the car. And I'm headed home. I got the eight ball and I got the yard stick. As we're leaving, the fucking police lights pull up. Into, I mean, literally 30 seconds. Fucking craziness, bro. That was a fucking great night. Fucking craziness, dog.

This is how crazy it was. You smell like pussy. I love it, man. Pussy and fucking bleach. Yay. So funny. And like a week later, I find that I'm banned from the fucking Dublin. Okay.

I was banned from eating some Czech fucking monkey at the Dublin. That's a true fucking story, though. Dublin is closed now. It's an engineering place. But Ralphie saved me. She Ralphie fucking saved me out of that. Man, we had some good times. How about the sexy librarian?

She's still around. She got kids. Yeah. Somebody bumped into her. I saw her a couple of years ago. Three, four years ago. Now where's Laura? Lauren?

Lauren. Yeah. I don't know where she is. Eric Moreno would know. I haven't seen Eric Moreno either. I haven't seen none of those people, man. No. What about the chicken Florida?

They used to cut hair with the blondes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Charlene. She had a kid yet? No. No. That pussy's pristine.

She's ready to get the party started anytime. You would go down there. No. I don't have a fucking party. I don't have no party to start with. Nobody now. I don't have the patience. Yeah.

I don't have the fucking patience. They'd get you great raffer when you get down there. I don't even smoke. Tomorrow I'm going to San Jose. As soon as I get off the fucking plane, I'm making a fucking call. And the kid who got us the tooth to call into the podcast is assistant Danny Ahern.

He's hooking me up. He works at a fucking weed store now in San Jose. So he already emailed me the menu from the store. And he goes, make a list and we're dropping it off at 10 o'clock. When I went to San Jose last year, they made Lisa a weed. Just the guys, that's what he said. He's like, he grew to himself.

That was the highest I've ever been. And remember that one night I couldn't talk and you and Butch were showing me the hooker website on his phone. And then the next night he called me and I started cleaning out the room. We told him we had a hooker downstairs. He's kind of the sucky dick. And he goes, I mean he made my bed and everything.

Because I'm sure you know, he calls every 10 minutes when he wants to torture somebody. So every six minutes we're coming in. I was always straight with Coco. So I didn't get it too bad. Unless I punched somebody out at the fucking post office. He got me on that one. All right, I ain't gonna lie.

But the worst was Bobby Slain. The torture you did Bobby Slain is one of the landmark all time great torches of all. I mean, it's, that's pinnacle. Look, I've had people throughout my life that I dedicated my every day waking of tormenting them. And in Boulder, Colorado, I used to sell cars at the Chrysler Plymouth place.

And there was a kid Rob Dendo, who was a bass player, but he sold cars. But he snorted coke like it was nobody's business. By four o'clock in the afternoon, this guy would be sweaty. His glasses would be soggy. He fucking knows who'd be dripping. And he'd be out there selling cars.

And I'll tell you what, if you walked on that lot and you were confused, you left with a car, Jack. That was a salesman. So most of the pens that I stole, the cross pens, he bought, but they had to be maroon. Cross pen made a special maroon pen. So I would bring the pen, sell them for high cost. And I was a salesman too.

I would wait for him to be in mid deal. And I'd run in his office and steal the pen. Okay. He would come back and look for the pen and he would tell the sales manager, I can't go back in there without my lucky red pen. So I would take the red pen, put it back in the original box, and resell them another one for another 20.

And in the middle of the lot, because he would get coked up, he'd put the pen down. I clipped that same pen about 15 times. And then I just started taking them. And you know those drop ceilings? Yeah. I started putting them in a rubber band. And after nine months, one day,

I gave him the whole rubber band. We'd lay 20 fucking cross pens. And he won't even friend me on Facebook. That's how much I tortured that motherfucker. I worked there for 18 months. I took a pen a week and he finally said, somebody has to be taking my fucking pen. Because I would lose them and they'd disappear.

That's it. Okay. I was, you know, when you sell cars, there's always a competition for the top salesman. Right. When I got out of prison, I got a job at Mitsubishi on 104th. And you had 104th in Nevada,

is where the professional car salesmen go. Not only are they good salesmen, but they know how to throw other salesmen out of the game. That's what good salesmen do. They throw other salesmen out of the game. But you got to be careful that they're cracking somebody else. You don't crack yourself.

Right. Because sometimes you could crack somebody so hard, you might crack yourself. When I went to Mitsubishi the first two months, I was the salesman a month. I got you an extra five grand, bro. Oh, sure. I was getting married.

I was in the halfway house. I was selling below. Those cars that you see, what's a big Mitsubishi car? Eclipse. Eclipse. In those days, if you sold Eclipse, you made $700 in Eclipse.

Because you sold for MSRP. There was no negotiation. So that's why I went to work for them. This place didn't even have, it was called the, I didn't even know what the fuck it was called. Didn't even have used cars. And the salesman were making 10 grand.

Usually they need to have a used car a lot to make 10 grand. Really? That's how many Eclipses we have. People calling us from Wyoming. If you have a blue Eclipse five speed, I will give you my credit card on the phone right now. I will be there tomorrow to pick it up.

Wow. So if you had the most numbers, you get five grand, two thousand. Yeah, my dad had an Eclipse in the 90s. Yeah, so. $2,000. Well, I'm the salesman a month for two months. If I hit the third month in a row,

I could bulk shit. I could pick my own desks. Fucking the first little bald headed white dude walks in. That's a nerd. But motherfuckers, this dog can hunt Jack. Yeah. He's got me. The first day he sells three cars.

Sells like two the next day. It sounds like two more the next day. I'm fucking cracked. But I got 20 something days to get this motherfucker. And you know me, you gotta kill me. So I start going in and knocking back. I'm the first guy you talked to. You know, you got to get out there and edge the other guy.

You got to keep edging the other guy. So after about a week, I got to go to work. So I would get there at eight in the morning and call all the bald dads. You know, call me if you're going bald. You know? Oh, no. I would call all the bald people.

And they go, who's this? And I go, Lisa, I had. Oh, I'm so sorry. Listen, my phone is jacked here at work. Can you call me back? And they go, sure, what's your number? What do you understand by? They go a couple of wigs.

And they go, all right. What's your name? And I go, Lisa, 666, give me about 10 minutes. And sure enough, I would hang up in this fucking momo walk and open up his desk. And they would call things. Steve, pick up line two. And he goes, hello.

I didn't know I had no fucking wigs. And he'd hang up the phone. I sent him everything. Bosley, Bosley's cousins. I sent them every. In those days, all you had to do was rip something out of a magazine and put your address on it. And they would mail you a shit about it.

Did it work? Did it piss him off? Oh, every day. And then I went into plan B. Once I was like two or three cars away, I went and went to band plan B. He was a chronic smoker. He smoked cigarettes.

I would put loads in his cigarettes. You know those magician things you buy at the stores and the cigarette blows up, right? This is the best. I got this motherfucker. We're going neck and neck, bitch. I ain't going home. And when the store opens, I'm there 15 minutes before.

And I'm there late at night. I'm selling coke. I'm crazy. I'm in the halfway. I'm at BCTC and bold. I'm level four, which keeps me out till midnight, plus gives me furloughs. I got them all confused.

I'm getting married September 8th, 1989. I'm selling blow with three hands, and I'm selling cars with three hands. They don't even know I'm selling cars. I'm on a pager. I got those bitches on a pager. So whenever they would call me, I'd just call them and go,

where are you? I'm selling cars on Mitsubishi. All right. Thank you. I could be a Ralphie Mesa. I was weighing a fucking eight ball. I had these motherfuckers on call when I was in the fucking halfway out.

So it's the last day of a month. It's a Saturday. We're tied. They got a bonus for the day, a bonus for top salesmen. If I beat this motherfucker, I walk out of here with like $6,000 in bonuses. Guess what?

You're going to have to fucking shoot me. I see that he leaves. And I just fill up all his cigarettes with fucking loads. I mean, I put the whole box in there. If it calls for one each cigarette, I put three fucking loads in there and I pushed them in with toothpicks. So the first one, don't get you.

It's like Vietnam. If you missed the first mine, the second one will get you. If you missed the second mine, the third mine will get you. You think I'm fucking crazy? He comes back in. We're going neck and neck.

Bam. I sell a car. Bam. I got on the board early. This motherfucker, bam, sells a board early. Now we're tied. But guess what, boys and girls? While he's selling the mother of the car,

the daughter says, I think I want a fucking car. I'm cracked. I'm cracked. I'm sitting in that office going fuck. And all of a sudden I hear Steve go, do you ladies mind if we went outside? If I went outside and smoke a cigarette, here's where it gets better.

Both of them go no. As a matter of fact, can we get one? So you can't write this. It was legal to smoke inside then. He takes his cigarette. He hands them two cigarettes. He's trying to be Joe fucking gentlemen. He lights her cigarette.

He lights the other one's cigarette. He lights his cigarette. And within two minutes you hear, bam, bam. He's holding on to his cigarette. Like on a pause, I had it on a delay. And that motherfucker said, bam. The three cigarettes exploded. The mothers looked at each other.

They got up and walked out of the office. That dude looked at me, took the picture of his wife off the desk, put in his briefcase, closed that motherfucker, and walked out of it. I won the contest. You got to understand me? That's called American ingenuity bitches.

That's how fucking real Americans do it. If I'm not gonna dazzle you with brilliance, I'm gonna dazzle you with fucking bullshit, okay? I beat this motherfucker three months in a row, and the last month I put explosives in his fuckers. There was a comic in Seattle named Rod Long, and he hated black comics, but he hated one particular black comic,

Count Hopkins the Third. That was not his name on the show. Yes it was. His name was Count Hopkins the Third. And one day somebody just twisted Rod and said to him, dog, we saw Count Hopkins the Third do one of your jokes.

Oh no, he didn't. That Negro better be not be doing none of my jokes. He approached Count Hopkins. I'm like, nah, I never did none of your jokes and shit. So every time I'd be in the car with Rod Long, I'd just drop it on him. Dog, I was at the club the other night, Count Hopkins did one of your jokes.

No, that Negro did. I'd go down there and beat him right now. And as he did, you'd better go down there. And he would tell me, Joe Diaz, someday somebody's going to give you a business card. This is going to say professional torture on him. Because I used to torment him. Torment him.

And I used to say, and once I'd buy it into you, like I would have people call him. Like I would have like Josh will call him and say Rod Long, listen, can I talk to you for a second? I think I saw Count Hopkins. Now let me explain something to you. Do one of your jokes. This guy didn't care if anybody did his jokes.

He just didn't care. He just didn't want Count Hopkins doing one of his fucking jokes. Do you understand me? So funny. So funny. Tell them how you torture Slayton. Those are great stories, man.

Bobby Slayton is the same. That the person you could torture the most is somebody who's got like an addiction. You know, and I know, I know this, to have an addiction for somebody to torture me. So the Bobby Slayton stories like this, our friendship, I love Bobby. He's one of my best friends in the world.

Friendship was based on our little cocaine habits, you know, our craziness cocaine habits. So I would call Slayton. I would tell him I get good coke. You know, I'd get him the best coke in the world at that time. They'll compitre another deal, the Armenian, and I would get him the best blow in the world. And then he would call me, you know.

But here's the problem, here's the problem. In those days, I was all business till I got my package. Once I got my score for the day, I didn't care who you were. I wasn't leaving the house again. So he would bother me. Like, I didn't go to Diaz, I mean, you know. So I would call him, I got a Tuesday,

and he would say to me, Diaz, I'm going or whatever this week. Can you drop something off at my house? So I would say, all right, leave the money in front of you. So he would leave the milk money. I'd go up to take it from under the milk thing, like under a statue or something. He would have, and then I'd go, what are you going to put in here?

He'd go leave it under the statue the next morning. I would leave it there. And he would call me and say, where's the blow? It's under the statue. It's under the fucking statue. I'm telling you, it's there. You swear?

I swear. Who could have done it? I think my wife is doing blow. She's been acting the farthest away. But then I would get him on the road. Now, when you're a comic, you know, Ralphie goes to where I go. And I go with Ralphie.

He goes, okay, Ralphie might do a theater, but I still know the general area. And we still know the same drug dealer. So when you go into any town, I'll call you and go, what do you need? And you'll say, I need fucking heroin. I need a bazooka. Done.

I got a guy. They'll be at your fucking hotel in 15 minutes. I'm very serious. When I was doing blow, when I was doing blow, if you called me and said, I'm in Tampa at the Hilton, it's four in the morning.

I need a package. I'll say, give me 15 minutes. I got a package to at least deliver to you downstairs. So the dealer give you like a couple of points or something? No, nothing. I just, you know, fuck it. You need some powder. I dealt with professional people.

I didn't want to deal with people when we sold coke from eight to five. I dealt with people that came alive at two in the morning. That guy in Houston used to run the comedy club. As soon as you walked into the comedy club, he did sound. That package just put it right in your hand. Reefa and blow. You don't have to go nowhere else.

You called. I would call Houston ahead and go, Doug, I'm going to be at the lab stop on Friday. Be there at seven o'clock. Before I went on stage, the package would be there. And if you were going to Houston, you'd tell me, Doug, when I go to Houston, I need a package.

Done. The dealer come up to your Friday night to fucking club and put it right in your hand. You've told me before that you could do it on stage where you'd mention it during the act. But let's say I took you to one city you haven't been to. Right? And you're not doing comedy.

Could you find we, like, how do you... Like, no girl has ever come up to me like, I have coke. So I go up on stage. No, let's say you can't do it on stage. I'm always going to do it on stage. That's how you're going to do it. You're going to go on stage, listen to people. I'm not selling nothing.

Some comics have stuff to sell after a show. T should see these. I'm not going to sell nothing, but I'm not going to buy. You know what I'm saying? And that's what you got to say sometimes. I'm not going to buy. See what happens. See how many people come up to you with a Vicodin?

Or a fucking Hit-A-X. I got two hits of X at the house, white lightning. Now I'll have the balls to do them or pussy. I won't do it. But it's in the drawer. Ready to fucking go. Every night when I'm with the Led Zeppelin, since I've been loving him,

I'm like, I should put this fucking down and lose my fucking cacuzzi. Wait a minute, that... So the top thing I would do to Slayton, which was the beauty of this whole scam, was he would call me on Wednesday and go, I'm leaving the mall. Can you get me something?

I'd go, no, the torture. Because now I knew I was going to torture him long distance. I wouldn't get him coconut milk. I always get you coconut milk, but I wouldn't get it from him because now I get tortured. And when he'd get on the plane, he'd call me that morning and go, Diaz, all I got is a half a gram

that'll last me till Sunday. You got to help me out. And I go, you know what? Where you going? Houston. Get that motherfucker and do it all. Really? Yeah.

Do the whole fucking package before you get on the plane. By the time you get to Houston, I would tell you about the Chinese guy. What Chinese guy? This guy's got mother of pearl cocaine. Come on, does he really? Yeah, mother of fucking pearl. You know how many kilos he's got left from the old days?

Like 10. But whenever I go to town, he gives me a couple of G-boats. I mean, I haven't dropped off some G-boats. And I would sell it to him. When was the last time he did blow? When you sucked it and you left it behind your throat and it was sweet like fucking corn.

Then you went down your throat nice and numb. And I could feel him fucking his dick getting hard. When somebody does blow and they're professional and you talk to him like that, and you tell him that your dick still gets hard and you don't have to shit, he would go crazy. Come on. What times are you going to show up?

Don't worry about it. He'll be there. Don't worry about it. Just do the package. You're in good hands. You're in good hands at all state. I would wait till he get to Houston. Okay.

And Lee, by the way, Coco, after he puts down the phone with Bobby Slayton, is calling me and telling me how he's doing to Bobby Slayton. And I'm fucking laughing. I'm like, how long do you think you can keep his drinking? He goes, till Sunday. Till Sunday. Till Sunday.

I would call Bobby. Let's say I told him that the car was going to drop off the coke at 10 o'clock. Yeah. Twice an hour, every hour, call Slayton and go Slayton. This guy's coke is so fucking good. My friend just got a gram from him. He said his head is numb.

He had a call where he couldn't go in because his eyeballs, he couldn't see. What time is he showing up? I would just call him twice an hour and build up the coke that this thing was direct from Colombia. It belonged to the three Chinese wise men. They stole it from Pablo Esca. I would just call him without land his stories,

just outlandish shit. And by 10 o'clock, he would be fucking guzzin' at the mount. And then I would forget all about it. I'd go to the commie store and do my stuff. And then on cell phones? And about 12 o'clock, my fucking phone would start ringing. And it would be Bobby or the pager. And I would wait a little while.

And then let's say you worked in Houston. Let's say you worked for... By the way, everybody, you gotta understand, Coco had a pager like three years after the last J.J. King of the Beepers fucking closed down. J.J. King of the Beepers. He's doing time. What's the chick that went for hooking?

That was dating the dude from the movies. That did a bunch of movies and lost his mind. She was the hooker that was with fucking the madam. That was with Sheen. Heidi Fleiss. Heidi Fleiss. Yeah. He was her partner.

J.J. when me and Ralphie moved to this town, J.J. the King of Beepers was everywhere. Everywhere. If you had $10, you had a pager with your name monthly. I got a Skynet pager with an 800 number for $10 a month. If you didn't get there on your day one minute late, he shut your shit down. It was a $15 fucking recharge.

By Hoy's Walk. By Hoy's Walk. Right behind Hoy's Walk. J.J. the King of Beepers. They had him there. They had him on Melrose. He had 10 fucking stores. J.J. the King of Beepers.

Yeah. That's what we're talking about here. Bobby Slate. Oh, Bobby Slate. Let's say you did the laptop, whatever. You'd always stay at the... At the... The hotel they tore down.

Right. The fucking Christ. What's the name of it? Where? Garden Inn. Garden Inn or something like this. I knew the Garden Inn. So I would call him and go,

dog, you're at the Garden. I wouldn't tell him where you at. He goes, I'm in Houston. I go, all right, beautiful. Where you staying? I go, the Garden Inn. I go, all right, let me call you back. And I hang up the phone.

I call the Garden Inn and go, yo, what's a landmark? Close to the hotel. And they go, down the corner. There's like a building called Bobby Slate back. I'm like, all right, you're at the fucking whatever. Pull out and make a right and walk three blocks and stand there with your jacket on.

With a red hat on. I would make it, but the best I did it to him in Cleveland. I did it to him in Cleveland, December. And the improv. In December? And in every city, I had a different person. In like Chicago, I had white pot of ma. She was a Chinese woman.

It's so coke for the triads. In New York, I had Colombian Joe. Nobody really existed. No way. Nobody existed. How many times did he fall for this? 80,000 times. Oh, all the time.

And years in a row, I do it to him in Vegas. I do it to him constantly. Did you ever like actually get it from once so he'd think you were real? Never. Oh my God. Never. But the best torturing ever was one that I'm by myself.

I'm sitting down. I'm not married. I'm with Terry. I worked together like seven years. And my phone rings and it's this girl. And she goes, Joey, how are you? Now I had known this girl. She was dating one of our friends.

And they broke up. And you always knew this chick was bad news. You always knew this chick was a freak. You just knew when this shoe was going to drop. One night she called me and she goes, I'm in the neighborhood. I'm out of gas. Can you lend me 20 bucks till next week?

And I saw her and she pulled up. She had a mini skirt on. Her pussy was out. Her one tit was out. And I'm like, oh, I know what time this is. I gave her the 20. I didn't say nothing that night. I said, not a night she called me.

If you take me on the road, I'll hang out with you and stuff. And I'm like, this ain't going to work. This chick is crazy. But then I gave her the call. I wasn't, I forgot all about it. And I got a call one Sunday night. And she's like, listen, I'm doing this movie and I got a chance to get the sag.

It's $1,500. I need to borrow $1,500. Ralphie knew. I maybe had $35 on my account. So I'm like, all right, you need the $1,500. No problem. I'll get it to you. I go, listen, she was cute and young.

I go, so what's going on with you? She's like, what are you talking about? I go, well, $1,500, you know, won't even pay me back. And she goes, well, once I do the movie, I'll get my sag card. I go, listen, forget all that. Let's get a hotel room. And let me get a little pussy and fucking fuck you a little bit. She's like, I don't know.

I'm like, come on, how bad is it going to be? Let me get your pussy. And she was all in. She's like, OK, and I'll fuck you too. And I go, what about suck my dick? And she goes, I don't know. I don't do that. I go, you're going to be doing $1,500.

So whatever you don't do, all right, let me call you back. So this goes on for about an hour. She goes back and forth. He's with me. No, no, not yet. I have not seen Ralphie yet. In the middle of all this, one of the last calls, she goes, OK, what hotel are you going to meet me on?

And I go to Four Seasons. She goes to Four Seasons and Marina Del Rey. Now meanwhile, I got $35. Ralphie calls me, goes, what are you doing, cocksucker? No, what are you doing? He goes, I'm downstairs. Come on down. Let's go get you some weed.

Get you hooked up for the week. I run downstairs. I get in the car, Ralphie. We're talking about whatever. You know when you're talking to someone, and all of a sudden my phone rings, and I go, oh, shit, Ralphie. Don't say a word. I go, this chick wants about $1,500, right?

But she doesn't want me to fuck her, whatever. Ralphie's like, all right, I go, Ralphie, don't say a word. So I ask the phone, what's up, baby? She goes, nothing. I'm headed to the hotel right now. I go, listen, I go, I'm going to give you the money. I'm going to suck your titties. I'm going to suck your pussy.

I'm going to light your asshole on fire. And there was silence on the other end of the line for like 10 seconds. Oh my god. And I am hurting from trying not to laugh. She goes, can I call you back? Oh, and she hangs up the phone. About 20 minutes.

She goes, man, because listen, I looked to hook up with you and all, but I borrowed the money from my uncle in Seattle because I don't want nobody to light my asshole on fire. I had this girl today. She won't talk to me on Facebook. No way. She had a boyfriend for a while. I tried to hit her up just to be her friend.

Just to be her friend? Sure. Why not? I just had to hit her for $1,500 for a dick sucking. I guess you wouldn't want an asshole to let your asshole on fire. $1,500 to fucking be your friend, you know? You got to sniff my nutsack. Something.

Something. That's a lot of money, Jack. That's a lot of fucking gear in place, economy. It is. Especially then, you had $35 in your pocket. You know? That was fucking funny. I really wish that we could discuss...

Like, you moved out in 1440, really got crazy. Once you moved out. Now it's to... Now Jody's still in the building. She's the landlord. She runs the place. That's crazy. There was a chick next door to Jody I played in the orchestra.

You remember her? Real pretty girl. But she was very decent. She played in the orchestra, but she only liked anal sex. I mean, the building was fucking crazy. Like, that's who's lived in that building, those type of women. Like, she was beautiful.

She fucking ate at the exquisite restaurants. She looked like the chick from the Titanic. Like, that's what she ate in the Titanic. But somebody fucked and they're like, no, she won't let you fucking in the pussy. It's deep in the asshole. Like, every woman that moved in that building was fucking nuts. The crazy one was the one with the girl daughter.

That had the big fake tits and the daughter was fat. She looked like Pavarotti. Yeah, right? She had fake eyebrows. They used to call her Pavarotti to her face. She was like, why do you call me Pavarotti? Because you look like fucking Pavarotti. How about that girl that lived next to me?

That had super loud sex. And you could always hear her fucking... Remember that girl? No. What was her name? Not the black girl that drank the vodka. No, not the black girl. She's still there. Really?

She's still there. If you drive on Sunset, you see her every day with her little bottle of vodka. She's still unemployed. 10 fucking years that girl's not employed. Drinks a bottle of vodka every day. She gained a little bit of weight. You have the retarded girl upstairs

that played for her black belt. She got beat up on the boyfriend throughout the window. Bro, I know a guy that jumped off that roof over there. Really? He did a somersault off that roof. That's why I lit the bomb on fire. When I lived on Shrader, the guy that knew me, he goes, you know what, remember me?

I jumped off the roof at 1440 and he broke his back and he lived. Jesus Christ. I remember that fucking guy. I remember that fucking guy. There's some crazy shit in that building. I'm telling you. Ricky Cruz said the building was haunted. He had spoken to somebody that the landlord had told him

that the building was haunted. That a bunch of actors lived in the building and shit like that. It was a crazy building, man. It was a crazy building. I had some fucked up shit in that building. I had some great time in that building. I seen one of the greatest things ever in that building. I went in there one night after a Hollywood party,

some stupid party. I got invited to our sunset. I was at the store. But the problem was I had Mike Kessler and Mike Kessler's daughter with me. And Mike Kessler's daughter is a lesbian. So Gentry was bartending at the store. So we all went to the store after the party

and were fucked up. We're doing blow. So Gentry goes, let's go back to my house at 1440. So I'm with this girl who has the apartment, another girl, and her father's with them. Okay, this is a true story. And I get over there and we're doing blow. And all of a sudden they're running low on the blow.

And I said, I got my own blow. I ain't giving that up. I'm getting out of here. I go to Ralphie's apartment or whatever. And before I left, this is the weirdest story ever. Gentry goes both ways. Yeah. I never knew that.

And right in front of me, Gentry was attacking the girl, not knowing that the father was there. And then Gentry ended up fucking Mike Kessler's daughter and Mike Kessler had a sleep on the floor in the hallway. That was when I knew how crazy that building was. When I went upstairs and went to sleep at Celine's couch. And when I woke up the next morning, I ran downstairs to go to Gavin's

because you went to whatever door was open. So sometimes Gavin would leave his door open. You could sleep on his couch. Celine always left the door open. Sometimes Ralphie left his door open. So I went upstairs and didn't finish my blow and passed out. When I woke up the next morning and came down, I seen Mike Kessler in a bundle like this on his leather jacket

in front of Gentry's apartment. And I wake him up and go, what the fuck happened? He goes, I don't know. We're having a good time. And the girls told me to get out and they locked me out. And the next day I asked Gentry what happened. She's like, oh my God, I hate Kessler's pussy for like three hours. There was a girl that had a boyfriend one day

and this bitch was banging. She had fake titties. And we were all watching TV on the couch. I don't think he was there. And this girl walked in and I said something to her. I go, look at you today. You're smoking. If I didn't know you had asked to eat your pussy.

She goes, if you want I can wash it. My boyfriend just fucked me. But I can go for somebody to eat my pussy. That's how crazy that fucking building was. Yeah, yeah. And he's still around. Jordan, it was Jordan Nicole. Yeah.

Little Nicole with the big tits, the fake tits. This was a crazy time. We'd be outside in the back smoking weed. And there was a Russian daycare center right there. And we'd be laughing. And she's like, please don't leave the babies. Please don't leave the babies. And Coco's like, you take it in the muffler.

You dirty commie. You take it in the muffler. You deadly branch it. Oh my God, I can't do it. You take it in your ass off. The torture. Oh my God, somebody. This was a crazy, crazy time in my fucking life.

This was like that whole area. El Compadre. There was all those hotels. And there was a bunch of hotels in that area that I had frequented also. Yeah, they were flap houses. Now they're all. Oh, they're all.

Oh yeah, they're fucking the desert in. Yeah. That desert in there. Oh my God. I had a girl tied up in there one night pulling her head, coming on her neck. Oh my God. I had some fucking crazy.

I remember parking one Saturday night and the Hollywood police, the LAPD, were having a pimping hooker sting right there. And they tried to get to me. And I'm like, look, I'm a local and you're not. And I think I've seen that dude on cops. It was one of the guys from cops. And they started laughing.

And I go, hey, good luck. And we went upstairs and watched them pick up John's the whole night. We were smoking weed on the fucking, on the fire escape, looking out, watching them fucking arrest people. Holy shit. Yeah, getting fucked up.

That was a really interesting time, man. We all had a dream. Yeah. We all looked at the store every night. Ralph, he was a lab factory guy. We all started there. Yeah. You know, Celine was a producer there.

She produced the Jamie Kennedy experiment. Right. And she went on to do great things. She's now in Ohio, getting a kidney. That's our friend in the kidney. They're going to put her on a year for a list. They wanted to put her on a list for a year for how to get a kidney.

His bitch said, fuck you. Yeah. I'm going to Mexico. I'm going to kidney next fucking weekend. She went to Mexico. She got well. She didn't have to get the kidney, but she was around.

Stacey Bucaluto was around. Yeah. He's my provisional. Unfucking believe. I know, it's crazy. Teddy is a producer at The Voice. Oh, shit. Wow.

Teddy's been at The Voice since day one. He started The Voice. I just spoke to him last week. That's great. So it was one of those play Ricky Cruz in Florida. Yeah. Still doing comedy and still doing movies. So it's just amazing.

People that, the people that you see at these places years ago, and you started with, because we started. Yeah. We started, man. It was just, there was no fucking waters. There was no, no. It was just a complete different time, man. Something that, and I see Ralphie now,

you're looking like tunes. You got eight fucking CDs on there. Yeah. You know, 19 specials and shit. Emmy Awards. And you know. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy.

And this was 20 years ago with nothing. When people would come over, Jay Moore before. Yeah. This was before Jay Moore sports. This was before last comic standing. Yeah. With the black guy who's developed eight more shows. Yeah.

Right. That guy developed more shows than fucking. He's still telling people he created the last comic standing. Yeah. One thing I got a call like a two in the morning. This is Walter. Tell this motherfucker I created last comic standing. Who's Walter?

Oh shit. Walter Cook. Yeah, right. Walter Cook. So. Walter, Jay Moore's assistant. You never fucking know, bro. Who knew 17 years ago that we were going

to have podcast and be married. No way. Babies, dude. Babies. We got babies, bro. When I was doing mushrooms, that night I remember Marilyn Martinez. Like she's gone now seven years and just all the fucking time. You know, when you see Ralph and you see how he's successful.

I still got her number on my phone. Me too. Whenever it raises six, six, nine, 17, 86. What a great lady. How's that one? There's two people who had done up my phone. I will never raise that number since she's one of them. I'm going to raise the fucking number four.

Right? Holy shit. I've called it. I've called and sometimes it's open. You know. Yeah, me too. Some new Mexican guy answered the phone. And then her husband died a year later.

So this is, we've seen people come and go. It's been fucking interesting as fuck. It's been interesting as fuck. Who was on top when we got here? Oh my god, yeah. It was interesting as fuck when Vinny Fabrita owned this town. Oh yeah. Then we saw Dane Cook become a fucking star at the union.

That was always like, you know, at the union and those nights, they all went to see Dane Cook. They didn't give a fuck what Joey had to say or what Lee had to say. They went to see Dane fucking Cook, you know? Yeah. So it's just interesting times. And look at you now.

You're doing theaters and shit. Yeah. You're on a bus like ZZ Top. Yeah, I got my own bus. It's awesome. On that thing, you'd love it. I got, I got vape stations. I have three separate vapor stations.

All set up, good to go. On the bus. On the bus. And you can vaporize on the bus. On the bus. Yes, sir. Good to go. And what do you got left for the year?

Man, a ton of theaters. Just this month, we're going to, I'm doing two theaters here in Southern California. And then I'm going to Hawaii later on this month. And then I've got a couple of casinos on the Gulf Coast. And that's just this month. So, you know, things are going to happen, Jack. Where are you new years?

Houston. Houston for a time and a long time. No shit. You're going back like the fucking LL Cool J. LL Cool J, Jack. Going back and making, it's good. It's a good check. This is like, wow, I've been doing this for 25 years

and they really wanted to have me for the 25th year back in Houston. And it'd be my 25th new year that I've worked. It's crazy. 25 new years. Yeah. God damn. What are you going to do next time?

I don't know. I don't know. We got a show. I didn't know if we announced it. I got a little paranoid to say hi. Yeah, we got a show. We got a fucking show. Lee, what the fuck?

You got to say it. We're proud of you. Fuck. Well, I didn't know if we announced it. Where are you going to go? You for dinner tonight, Lee? I don't know. Is anything open?

I think. Subway. I had some coupons for you. You got a six inch. You got a 30 ounce. So you got a free six inch for free. See, I'm always thinking I just forgot to bring it with me. Yeah.

The turkey right now, because I'm fucking so high. The turkey foot long is only 570. If you don't put cheese on it. So I think I'm thinking about that. What about with the avocado? I'll give you a dollar. You can get the cheese, man. No, no.

I'm trying to be good with the calories. Lee's a fucking soldier. Lee's going down to 110 pounds. No. He's going to fight in the flyweight division. I love it. Lee's fucking only Molly. But yeah, I think I'm going to have that.

I'm going to go to shout out to some people who are wrapped this motherfucker up just in case. I want to give a shout out to some special motherfuckers here. My main man Oscar Nunez and shit always delivering. The good Vincent Benoy, John Wolf G, Jose Gamma, Ha Ha Dog, Ruben Garabay, Veronica V, Shay Thiele, and my main man, Matt Bulkazar. What are you fucking nuts?

20 to life, no fucking parole. You know what I'm saying? What's the matter? What are you all freaking out? Your head, your headphones all confused. I get really hot with your things on. Your what? With both on, I get too hot with my.

Hot? Yeah. All right, well then relax. Take off your shirt. We don't give a fuck about your titties. Your little hair on those jute tits, your short pants. So it's your anniversary this week, huh?

Yeah, I'm excited. Where you taking them? Just Newport Beach. When are you leaving? Tomorrow night. And when do you come back? Sunday morning. Look at your three nights on the beach.

What sexual things do you have planned? A lot. You have a lot of things in your head that you want to do. Your little dirty bastard. Yeah, I mean fuck yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I get super horny when I'm high, so yeah.

That's just, I wish it was gonna be there tonight. So are you taking any of the other ones with you? No, no, she would never do that. No, it's not what she's gonna do. I can't, I can't. It's what the fucking Captain Kirk of the Enterprise is gonna do. If you knew you could take an edible

in the last 15 minutes more and eat her ass and pussy more creative, would you eat a pot cookie, cocksucker? Well, she doesn't like it though, so. What, she doesn't like what? She doesn't like me getting super high. Why not? I don't know.

You ever been super high around her? Just once after that last show. Did you get a horny around her? Fuck yeah. And did you do her like a savage? Did you make her do dirty things? No, I don't know if she's listening, but no, I'm not dirty stuff.

It's just, it was crazy. You were horny a little bastard. Yeah, I always knew that that was your dilemma. She drank all my socks and shit. No socks? Yeah, she drank all my socks. No, I know I jerk off from singing songs. That's not in the head that you shaved

and put on a sock to do the full effect. Oh my goodness. How old was this kid? How old was he? He's 25. I love him. He's the fucking, Glee Syed's the fucking good. He's the best.

When he first, when he first he was here, he used to stutter, look at him, he used to stutter. He was like, lose his cousin. Aye, aye, aye, a couple weeks ago he did it. Aye, aye, aye, the needle got stuck. It was tremendous. Boy, you give me this. Hi, I'm surprised I'm even talking.

I was like, hey, I'm Chepsey Websey, but you can call me Norman. You don't have to call me. What did you say? You can call me Chepsey Websey, but my name is Norman. Fuck yeah, super flangly. We were talking about that episode the other day.

That's the greatest episode of all time. That's the, see if it's on there. You trying to get Miss Crabb Apple? Miss Crabb Tree. I got something heavy on my heart. Go ahead, play it for these fucking people at home. This is real American comedy. This was Jackie Cooper and Chubby.

Jackie Cooper's proposing to it, trying to throw this rap on it. Yeah, Miss Crabb Tree. And Chubby's hiding the closet in every three or four minutes. Is it O-Roses and Chocolate? Is it O-Miss Crabb Tree? I've got something on my heart? That's the one.

Yeah, that's the one. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? It's only 30 seconds. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh shit, hold on. You're fucking up. Get it together, Super G.

This is amazing, isn't it? No, there's one day after noon. You know this, isn't it? No, I don't know what that was. I don't know, fuck. It's gotta be on there. Little Rascals, O-Miss Crabb Tree. Oh, okay.

You see what I'm saying? You see what I got to deal with, Lee? All right. I see you, coach. Get off here, man. Listen to this shit. This is real fucking comedy, Lee. I ain't fucking lying.

I know it. I know it. O-Miss Crabb Tree, I'm so heavy on my heart. Call me Chubby Upsie. All right, Chubby Upsie. O-Miss Crabb Tree, there's something heavy on my heart. Oh, Chubby Upsie. There's gonna be something heavy on your nose.

Two. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. For all your fucking nutrition, listen, like I told you the other day, man, honor is not a supplement like a vitamin C. Honor is optimal minimization. You become the best you can fucking be. You understand me the best.

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but I see the difference when I do the baby as- when I do the shroom tech. Don't get me wrong. I took the shroom tech last Thursday, and you just got beat up. It's not gonna give you superhuman powers. If you're a mutt, you'll stay a mutt. But you'll just get beat up longer

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50% off your first order. You ordered a fucking black and white granola. You ordered a fucking sesame seed sticks. I guarantee, I stand by if you're a fat fuck. You understand me? Also, for your vapor people and for your vapor pen needs, I love these guys. They're vapor pens.

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Get 20% off your fucking order. You understand me? The pen's $50. You get it for what? 40. 40. Who's better than fucking me? You're always saving fucking Gita's.

That's all I do? I'm like a Cuban Jew. I'm saving these people fucking Gita's. I don't even know. And next time you're walking around Stonely, look at the shape of your toe. Oh, yeah, that's bad. You fucked up tonight talking to a bunch of ladies.

You give me, like, what? Half one? Women with fucking wheelchairs, swapping, spitting, rubbing your dick on that small toe. I love it. You're a filthy fucking animal. That's what I love about you, Lee, when you open up. You see what I'm saying?

There's like a therapeutic fucking podcast for you, cucksuckers. It is. Fuck. That's awesome, Lee. What's next for my main man, Ralphie May? Tell me something. This week, I'm in St. Louis, Biscoe, and the Canyon Club

here in town. And I've got new specials coming out on Netflix. And I look for a book in early 2015. Look at your fucking writing books. You're like fucking Ike Turner. Trying. Fucking writing books. Specials.

Smiling. And you got no head. The Irish is making a comeback. Oh, my God. No hands coming out from the summer. I know. And it's the summer. It bleaches my hair.

I know. I want to get it darkened up. And the wife's like, I like it. And I'm like, I'm not doing anything to it. You know? I know, Lee. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a dick.

At least I got hair. Oh, that's fine. No. And you cucksuckers, you're going to have a nice week, and your mom is stabbing you in the ribs. Did you get a robe? No. No, I still have a robe.

You're going to get a fucking robe with a Jewish diamond style. How are you not going to get a robe? Just fucking die. My dad had a robe, but it fixed me up. I think it's like, it's always dirty. I don't know. You're going to get a white one with a fucking Jewish star

right here over your heart. Yeah, right. And then put Lee, Big Dick Lee. That's what you put on it. Big Dick Lee, the Jew from Boogaloo. And Gichiyamaka, who says, fuck you, pay me. That's right. A nice sharp one with sharp edges in case you

got to cut a motherfucker like the Japanese guy. I love you, cucksuckers. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Where are you going to be? For listening to the podcast. I'm going to be in San Jose at the improv this weekend. Come on out and say hello. Next week at the South Point Casino.

Next to my, thanks to my main man, Ralphie May, eight o'clock show. And the week after that, I'm going to put Pioneer Club and Reno, motherfucking Nevada. Felipe's up there this weekend. Go by there and say hello to that. No spoons. No spoons.

I love you, cucksuckers. See you Monday morning. Nice and early 6 a.m. Stay black. Ralphie May, one more time. Give him some love. Lisa, yeah, one more time. Give him some love.

I love you guys. Stay black and beautiful. Now that the show is over, remember to go to naturebox.com in order of great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get half off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com.

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Enthusiastic, we cucksuckers. Dude, you have no, I ran out of brain. You had no idea. Never got no fucking idea. You had no fucking idea. You had no fucking idea. You had no fucking idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Well I stand atふobi, land of Zhenni And I chop them down with my hands Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, I'm scared, this is too much Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm jumping down to the edge of my head Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm gonna pick up all the pieces and make an island

I need a razor to set it Yeah, yeah Cause I'm a blue tiger Like I'm a blue tiger Yeah, yeah, yeah I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street, I said I didn't mean to take your body off the street I'm a rapist on these days I don't need you no more in this world

I'll meet you on the next one, but don't be the hit Don't be the hit Cause I'm a good child, good child I know I'm a good child I know I'm a good child, baby I'll take this with one hand I'll take this with one hand I'll take this with one hand

I'll take this with one hand Thanks for watching!