Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #194 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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Starting point is 00:02:55 FreezePipe like a snowball in the bong. Alright, let's get this party started. It's Wednesday. We got a lot to talk about, cock-lickers. Joey's in the game. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Yo, Cheech Laposta, what's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

Starting point is 00:04:06 It's Wednesday, the 7th of motherfucking September. It's a great week. It's been a great week so far. Kids are back in fucking school. Which, listen, I'm happy. I'd be depressed if she was depressed about school. I'd be fucked. But she told me August 8th that I'm ready for fucking school.

Starting point is 00:04:27 She was up at fucking 5.30 doing jumping jacks, running around the house. She set her alarm for 6 fucking 15. She was excited as fuck, yeah. I went out there and watched her get on the bus, fucking 10 kids out there. Jumping, yelling, screaming. Just fucking, just a great fucking time of the year. Just to see them go back. The leaves are turning.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Sports is coming fucking alive. We're going into the final stretch of baseball. We're going into the, you know, when you're an old man, you watch baseball. I don't watch it a lot, but I watch two or three innings and go, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I got to watch the documentary on fucking the most hated man on the internet or some shit. You know, they always got to dig a documentary on fucking Netflix. I did watch a good one the other night because I didn't really know the story when I had him on the podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:19 And it was really interesting. There's something I don't believe in, but I was, you know, I was interested on how he did it. It's like a lot of people aren't into murderers, right? Like, you know, but if you read like a biography like Richard Ramirez or the guy that used to fucking kidnap girls and the Volkswagen, you don't read those books to fucking become a serial murder. I would read those books to see how they did it. How the fuck did you do this with women? You know, it's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:05:50 And then I lived in Seattle, which was, you know, his fucking one stomping grounds. But when I lived in Snowmass Village, that was his real stomping grounds. What's just that guy's name? That fucking kidnap women with the Volkswagen. The guy did a movie about him. It doesn't really matter. But I wasn't fucking reading those books because I wanted to case out FSU students and beat them up. And I just read that book to see how the fuck they did it.

Starting point is 00:06:19 You ever think about shit like you're like, man, they caught this guy doing this murder. I mean, you're just watching the news or something. You're like, they caught this guy doing this murder and he's an intelligent guy. But for fucking 100 years, chubby Italian guy's been throwing people into holes, fucking rivers. And you can't figure it out. Nobody can fucking figure it out. So it's like, you know, the easiest way to fucking ice somebody is just like, if you watch a... What's the movie I was watching about a month ago of my daughter, the fucking Irishman. The Irishman, there's a scene towards the end when Da Nero walks up with a gun and just goes to the guy,

Starting point is 00:06:58 hey, Jillian, whatever the guy turns around, he just shoots him and then they shoot him when he goes to the floor. In the middle of the street in fucking darkness with two bars in the corner. Didn't anybody hear anything? But that's how quick it happens. But that's not what we're fucking talking about here. I don't want to find out how people murder people. I'm just saying when you read a book on somebody, you get an idea of what the fuck their steps were. When I read Richard Krozynski's book, you know, that guy was a fucking savage.

Starting point is 00:07:25 We had the cop that arrested him on the podcast, Dominic. You know, he made me read a book that he was a part of. And when you read these books, you're like, where the fuck were the witnesses? You know, you see a fucking guy, chokes out George Floyd and there's a thousand people with fucking cameras. I'm just using a fucking example, guys. I'm not being a jerk or... But, you know, then you hear about Sammy the Bull killed 20 fucking guys. 20. That means he killed 40 because he copped to 20. How did he kill 40 fucking people? You know, is it interesting?

Starting point is 00:07:58 No, but you're like, how the fuck did he did it without getting caught all those years? It's kind of interesting, but what I'm trying to... I had that ref on years ago when the podcast first started. Maybe the second year in, I had Tim Donahue. Tim Donahue was a ref that fucking... You know, if you watch it on Netflix, it's really interesting how he did it. When you point shave, you blow calls against the other team, you know, shit like that. He didn't do that. He just knew the game so much.

Starting point is 00:08:28 He had so much inside information about the game, like he would tell you. If you watch the documentary, he'll tell you that. Another ref would say to him, I have a problem with Mo Chiques in Philadelphia. He's not a good coach or whatever. And he would take that information and win games. He went like, I don't know, 30 out of 37 fucking out. 27 out of 37 games. That's 17 net winners. That means if you were to put 100,000 on those fucking games, if you had inside information,

Starting point is 00:09:01 you're making a lot of fucking money right now, you know? So it's pretty interesting how he... just how he does it. You know, there's a show on TV about dirty jobs. Fucking one of the best shows ever. One of the best, most fucking... Like you just sit there going, holy fuck. I don't want to be a fucking bee, whatever. Like a guy that takes honey from a bee and puts all those things on and shit. But it's pretty fucking interesting to see how the fuck they do it, you know?

Starting point is 00:09:31 So when I watched this thing on Tim Donahadie on that whatever his fucking name was, the scary thing was I saw two of my friends in this fucking documentary. The Philly Godfather we had on the podcast was a great fucking handicapper. And there was another guy who I knew, Danny B. My buddy that I grew up with was how I got a hold of Tim Donahadie. You know, they're all sports betting guys and that was the information. So it was pretty fucking interesting how he fixed the games, how they nailed him. They fucking nailed. You know, guys, it goes back to my kidnapping.

Starting point is 00:10:07 What a tangled webby weave when you, whatever, to deceive, you know? He was doing great with it and all of a sudden there were wiretaps on Gambino soldiers and different mobsters and they were talking about this fucking wrath. So they went to the NBA. That's a weird fucking thing. Like he didn't get caught directly. He got caught on somebody else's wiretap. And you know, that's how they nailed them, which is, you know how, you know how what it takes for that to happen? You know what the chances of that happening that they catch you on a wiretap of people talking about you?

Starting point is 00:10:45 You know what the fucking chances are slim and fucking none. So it's like, what a fucking tangled web, you know, and just to see his story at the end, like what his life is now, his wife left him. You know, he had, he lost a bunch of money, but how he bounced back. He got into real estate. You know, he lives in shame. He fucked up, but he got his life together. And it's so weird that when you hear about these people that crash and burn, like let's talk about like the guy from Seinfeld that went off at the lab factory. Kramer.

Starting point is 00:11:18 Kramer, like he went off at the lab factory. Nobody's ever seen or heard from Kramer. What community could he have gone to? Like whenever, and I'm not making fun of Kramer. I'm just talking to you guys about adjusting to a mistake. What the fuck do you do? Like what the fuck do you do? And he named what you go to as African-Americans and they go, hey, he's not remembered as the Seinfeld guy no more. He's remembered as the fucking guy that went off at the lab factory about African-Americans.

Starting point is 00:11:47 And it's so fucking sad. I was telling somebody a story that day. When you watch Goodfellas, we watch Goodfellas in North Carolina. It was on Netflix and a bunch of the guys, we had a screening room. So one night the guys were watching Goodfellas. I came down and I'm like, fuck, I was high. I'll watch it for a little while. And they showed the part where Henry Hill and Joe Pesci steal a truck. This is a true story, guys. You're going to love this thing. They steal a truck and a guy runs in and goes, hey, two brothers just stole my truck.

Starting point is 00:12:22 You know, it's a great movie, Goodfellas. And when you get the call to do a movie like Goodfellas, you go into it. You know, I'm just happy to be in a Martin Scorsese movie. But then when you get there and they're like, listen, these are your lines. You know, you got to really think twice about those lines. I've had one situation where I had really weird lines in a movie and I told them, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying this word that you want me to do. It was like a racial slur. I don't want, and I've said the word a thousand times before that didn't matter.

Starting point is 00:12:58 I'm not racist, but it was that it was going to be on film. It was going to be on film forever. And I was going to be seen and people are going to go, that's the dude that fucking said that crazy shit in that movie. When you go like, I went to see the movie with fucking Clint Eastwood with all the Asians when he was saying all those Asian fucking whatever racist shit in that movie to those little fucking Amun people. And I was sitting there with everyone saying one who's Filipino, you know, I was kind of embarrassed. He started busting out laughing because he's like me. I think Hispanic slurs is hysterical. Whenever you goof on a Spanish guy, if it's creative, I'll fucking laugh. Okay, that's the type of guy. I'm not going to sit there and say that offended me.

Starting point is 00:13:41 The fucking best joke I ever heard was somebody who offended me saying Merry Christmas. You're probably in some tenement in the Bronx with 22 Spanish people eating the chicken. I fucking loved that shit. I loved when he called me and let me that message. But for some people, they don't have that kind of, you know, they got offended or whatever. He wasn't offended. I wasn't, you know, I was, I felt bad. I didn't want to laugh at the movie. But when you're in the movie and you're saying all that, listen, there was Clint Eastwood. So he gets a pass, you know what I'm saying? Nobody's going to go up to Clint Eastwood 20 years from now. He'll be dead or go up to him in a hardware store and go, I didn't like the movie.

Starting point is 00:14:16 When you did Asian fucking, he's going to go, go fuck you, you know, Clint Eastwood's a guy from the past. So it's funny how when you, when they saw that good fellas thing that damn like, and the guys will laugh him when he says it, you know, two black dudes just stole my truck or a black dude just stole my truck. The story to that is just like him, I forget what his name is, good dude. The dude who says that line, believe it or not, is a very good dude. He's an old school stand up comic. I can't think of his fucking name right now. He's a Polish dude. So he read the book like I did good fellas, right? And he was excited about it. I was not a actor or a comic when good fellas came out.

Starting point is 00:14:58 But trust me, when I saw the movie, it broke my fucking heart because I wanted to be in the fucking movie, right? So this guy reads the book like me, sends a letter to Scorsese saying he loves it. Sorry, I got a little allergies and he says I want to be part of the movie. Scorsese, you know, whenever you write a casting director a movie, explain to them why they need to see you. Like I've written like seven different letters to casting directors, like why they need to see me for this role. I think I got like three of them, but it's a complete different story. He wrote a casting, he wrote a letter to Scorsese. Scorsese called them in. This motherfucker came in, got up, went in his jacket, pulled out a gun and put it on the desk and said I'm here to do whatever the fuck you want.

Starting point is 00:15:55 And Scorsese looked at him and said, security and they fucking escort him out of the building, right? True fucking stories, now they're sitting around, you know, maybe a month later and they go, Scorsese is like nah, nah, nah, we got to use somebody to say that line. You know, who's crazy enough to want to come in here and say that fucking line. They sit around and go, what about the guy that came in with the gun? And they're like, perfect, call them up and they call them up and he goes down and they're like, this is the line you're going to do. A black dude just stole my truck and the rest is history. He got the line, he buffed it out. But now he was telling me once like 15 years ago, I saw him at the improv and I go, hey man, do people ever give you shit about that line?

Starting point is 00:16:40 Because I've always thought about that line. And it's like, he goes, ah, some people, some people look at me. He goes, the worst is when an African-American person comes up to him and says, I know you. And he goes, how do you know me? I'm going to stand up and come. He goes, no, no, I saw you in a movie and he's trying to beat. Like he'll say, nah, you didn't see me in a movie because you don't want to say it. And the guy will say, I saw you in Goodfellas. Yeah, yeah, you there. And he goes, the black people just stopped when they talked and go, yeah, yeah, we like that movie.

Starting point is 00:17:10 And the conversation just sends fucking hysterical. I remember one time I got that grandma's boy. I said to the members of Nick Swanson movie, I got a call on the Friday. I got a call on the Friday. I was at this agency for a while. They did not like me. A friend of mine referred me. A good time actor referred me to this agency. He goes, you need Joey. They were putting together like a Spanish division. So the lady was stronger than debt. She was stronger than debt as an agent. She had Danny Trejo. She had Emilio Rivera from Sons of Anarchy.

Starting point is 00:17:43 Trejo, she had the other guy from Sons of Anarchy. She was doing great this lady and she signed me. I'm like all excited. But I think we had a conversation one day and she didn't really like something I said. So she called me on the Friday and she's like, Hey man, what are you doing tomorrow? Like I'm not doing shit. It's Saturday. She goes, well, Adam Sandler just called. He's got a movie for you. She goes, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. It's just two lines and I can't repeat the lines to you on the phone. They're so bad. And I was like, and there was something, I think Don Johnson was talking.

Starting point is 00:18:17 I go how pussy looks like something that got hit with a shovel or something like that. It was just a really off line. You know, I said that line. I remember going, now I feel like that fucking dude in Goodfellas is saying that line about the chick's pussy. But I was like, you know what? I say it all the time, then the movie bombed. And nobody saw it. They got like the worst review on Rotten Apples. So I was like, Ooh, nobody's going to get to fucking see me, you know, say this disgusting fucking line. I'll never forget even Don Johnson said something to me while we were shooting. He goes, that's not a good fucking line. I go, what am I going to do?

Starting point is 00:18:53 They're paying me for the day. I got to do what I got to do. That like again. That's in the Greg Garcia show. Hey guys, don't forget to watch Prong. People like it. People fucking like it. I got to get it. What network is it on? Amazon or Hulu. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People fucking like it. People coming up and I saw you in sprung taking this shit. Greg Garcia is a bad motherfucker, man. Greg Garcia is an original when it comes to this shit.

Starting point is 00:19:27 He knows how to put together a show. Sometimes you're there with him. You're like, what the fuck is Greg doing? And he's shooting all this shit. He's like, you can go home though. You're like, really? That's it. And the next day you see, you're like, what the fuck, Greg? He's just a goddamn fucking genius. This guy. But anyway, I want to talk to you about something that, you know, I always save all my shit guys. Like I save the time, the shit I don't have is whatever they took from me when they told my apartment. And I had a bunch of paperwork and stuff, whatever I had in there.

Starting point is 00:19:56 But for the most part, I save a lot of shit guys. I remember one time somebody told, I was lying. I said that I got, in fact, I'm going to get another one pretty soon. Because I've been talking to somebody that their phones are tapped. I know they're tapped because they run their indictment. Dear friends of mine, but what am I going to do? They called me to ask questions. So, but I was talking to a friend of mine. I got arrested for bookmaking years ago, like 10 years ago. He called me for a party, like for me to do a benefit in Hoboken or some shit. And I did it. And then like two months later, he got arrested.

Starting point is 00:20:28 And like six months later, I got a couple of letters. And the letters were from Bergen County Prosecutor's Office. I was living in Studio City. Why am I going to let it from, you know, the prosecutor's office in Bergen County? Because they had to let me know I was on wire tape. I was on tape. Every time I spoke to this guy, I was always on tape. So I think after the trial was over, after he pleaded, they have to release everything. And they sent me a couple of letters. And I remember I said something once on the Rogan podcast, and I was headed to do the Rogan podcast.

Starting point is 00:21:00 And somebody said, bring the letter. You're lying about that. And I broke the letter and I showed it on the podcast and I'm like, I'm sorry, I called you a liar. I go, bro, I save everything. I try to fucking save anything negative. So I could put in the book, you know, all that type of shit. I put in the book. There was something I sent to the book where it was a sheet of paper that my ex found. My ex-girlfriend, when we broke up, she had tons of shit of mine from like, I don't know, two, three years in Seattle. And I don't know, before she left, she goes, I found a bunch of shit for you. I'm going to give it to you. And she gave me all these boxes. I had two boxes in all these boxes. It was two fucking boxes.

Starting point is 00:21:41 And it was just like comedy paperwork, rules for Seattle comedy competition, pictures of us dancing at a comedy thing. It's just stupid shit. But I found the letter in there that I had received. I had, you know, when you call those debt people, you have to call to consolidate, like you have to call them. And then they take a fee out and they call the credit card companies and they tell anybody you owe money to, they cut a deal with and you could pay back. But in the long run, it fucks up your credit even worse, supposedly. I didn't know this. I mean, filing for bankruptcy is one thing, but this is sort of it. I'm not sure at the time it was this. So I remember I went through like one consultation with them, maybe a couple of consultations. And then right before I was going to sign with them, they sent me an itemized fucking list of what I owed every credit card,

Starting point is 00:22:39 Discover, Dinah's Club, American Express, Visa, MasterCard. It was, guys, I must have had a card that I owed money on, plus a fucking loan for a car. You know, I forgot to tell you guys I got an Acura when I got divorced and I couldn't make the fucking payments on it. You know, we're all assholes, guys. I've never come on here and told you I had a perfect life. But I found this thing the other day because I was scanning stuff. I should have brought it here. I was scanning stuff for the book. They wanted a bunch of paperwork, like little notes. I said, I have all these notes. Maybe I'll add to the book because I don't have all these pictures. When I got this letter, I was $225,000 in debt.

Starting point is 00:23:28 I got divorced. I got separated in 91. The divorce went through in 93. I owed $210,000 and that was without two attorneys, plus personal loans I had taken out from dear friends of mine that had to get paid back. So, you know, I threw numbers up for years when I found this the other day. I showed my wife. I go, take a look at this. My wife, who's an accountant, was like, Joey, you were dead. I go, I know I was dead. And when I got this consolidation letter, I spoke to somebody in Seattle and they were like, don't do it. Don't do it. So, I never signed. I never sent it back and I still had it. When she gave me the paperwork, I found it. So, I was down. And I know I gave figures before on the church. I was down 210 in credit cards and alone. I was down maybe at the time in 98. No reason to lie or be ashamed. I was down about 8,000 in child support, which clocks me at like 218.

Starting point is 00:24:37 I owed an attorney 40. I owed another attorney about 15 and I owed $220,000 to two dear friends of mine that had to get the money back. They gave me this money. I don't like a CD or something. They busted for me. So, I wouldn't go to jail to cover attorney 40, 20 each. So, that's what like all. I was down with guys. I was down three hundred and nineteen ninety set eight guys. Let's you give it a fair number. I was down 300,000. Never. And the school loans that I had that did not get fucking way. They found me and fucking made me pay it, which I know I had no qualms about. I owed the money. I paid it. I was down 300,000 dollars when I moved to Los Angeles. And I got to be honest with you guys. Listen to the 98. What I'm about to tell you. Do not try this at home. I beg you. Do not try this at home.

Starting point is 00:25:55 When you, I was talking to a jujitsu teacher, you know, Rob Schaefer, by the way, an update on Rob Schaefer. Rob Schaefer got disqualified his first fight, his first role. He was very upset. I consoled him. I'm going to give him a call today. He's back from Vegas. He got disqualified because he grabbed the guy's leg to pull it over and the guy turned a certain way. So they considered an e-bar and they disqualified him. And what made it worse was the guy he was beating up went on to win the whole thing. So that's the review on Rob Schaefer. But since we were talking about Rob, Rob trains had intrepid in Marlboro. And I was talking to the owner there one day, Steve, and we were talking about my cousin Julio up north and at Anaconda. And my cousin is a great fucking jujitsu guy. And I mean, he knows jujitsu like a motherfucker. And he's had schools for 25 years. Julio Rodriguez should be. And this wasn't, you know, I knew this, but this is what my friend told me.

Starting point is 00:27:05 Rob Schaefer's black belt friend told him. I didn't know this. He goes, Julio would have had the best fucking program in New Jersey if he taught in the daytime if he wouldn't have his day job. My cousin has a phenomenal day job. Phenomenal. Great money, great benefits, fucking insurance, out the ass. He could do whatever the fuck he wants. So all those years, he was like, what am I going to do? Teach jujitsu in the daytime at night? What am I going to do? So he taught jujitsu at night. But in the daytime, he stuck with his job. My friend Steve said, the guy is phenomenal. I don't think his school is bigger because he never quit his day job. I didn't know that that was in jujitsu and martial arts also, that you got to quit your fucking day job. You know, so I didn't know that. When you're a comedian, when you're in a band, I'm sure I'm not the first guy that did it.

Starting point is 00:28:02 I'm sure I'm not the first loser that did this. That's why I'm telling you, don't try this at home, kids, because it doesn't work for everybody. I don't want you guys coming back on me going, Joe, I did it because, no, I did it because I was a loser. In 1991, I had nothing going on. Nothing. My wife left me. I wanted to be a comic. I had no job. I had a fucking two year old daughter and maybe, maybe if I was lucky, 600 in the bank account. I had credit cards I never touched. I had a good salary. Anyway, I got into fucking comedy. My world fell apart after that. I had been going to college, I don't know, three years at a time. Every time you take a school loan out or you get a Pell Grant, they throw you another fucking card. Or at least they did 30 years ago, 25 years ago. So every time they threw me a Pell Grant, I knew a $1,000 visa was coming.

Starting point is 00:28:57 And then you got, let's take one step at a time, I knew a $1,000 limit card was coming. Or a $500 amic or a $500 limit visa or a $500 limit MasterCard or Diners Club, whatever the fuck. I always knew I was getting another application for a card. So all those years, I have to be honest here. When I was younger, honest to God, man, I did not, all those years that I was married and buying cars and flipping cars, I did not touch a credit card. I did not touch a credit card. One time, I took out a loan, a quick $2,600 loan to help me pay for a car. And then I flipped it and I paid off the loan. That was the loan. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife said to me not telling her that there was a violation of our marriage and that's why, but it was other things. I took that loan out. I paid it right back. There was no fucking issues, you know.

Starting point is 00:29:58 But once my wife left me and I got the comedy bug, once I decided in 93 that I was going to fucking go for it, I took all those credit cards, guys, and I maxed them out on purpose. I'm an artist. You know, I'm an artist. You know, I was not going to get a fucking day job. You know, I did not want to get a day job. And I was an artist. At that time, I didn't consider myself an artist. I still don't. I'm just bullshitting you, motherfuckers. But that's what I did, guys. You know, I stopped fucking not paying rent. I stopped living like an asshole. And I just used my cards and the excuse was that I would make it and pay it all back. That's, that's, and guys, I'm not talking about 60 grand. I'm not talking about borrowing 20 grand from grandma. I'm talking about 300 fucking large. Okay.

Starting point is 00:30:55 It got to the point, guys, where I couldn't go anywhere. Guys, I couldn't go anywhere. I could not have a phone. They would get my phone and call me. There was no real, whatever, 95. I didn't, I didn't have a fucking call. I didn't have a cell phone to 2004. My point is that anytime I would have a house, like that's why I didn't have a household in Boulder in 93. Because by 90, by the time I went to fucking New Jersey, they were calling me at different comedy clubs. Guys, you notice like to get to a restaurant to do comedy and your phone rings and the guys like, hey, you have a phone and you're like, oh, hi, this is Matt from Discover Card. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I never got your check. Oh, man, I'm sorry. I've been busy. I'm about to do comedy. Can I call you tomorrow? I mean, that's how bad it got. They were calling me at my friends' houses. They were calling me at my friends' houses. Like if I put somebody down for a reference, my friends were calling me and go, Doug, I just got three calls from fucking Mastercard.

Starting point is 00:31:53 It was horrible. So there was nothing I could do. The cards were stuck. I did everything I could. I kept borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Like I would just, I would use the Mastercard first, get rid of that motherfucker, the Visa, burn that bridge, the fucking Diners Club. I went out to dinner, everything, every fucking, every meal I could eat. I don't even know if Diners Club is still around. I owed Diners Club about $7,000 fucking dollars because then I became, when I was doing all that, I became the master of limits. I could fuck with you. I'll get your limit up. If you got a $5,000 credit card, email me. I know how to get your limit up. Very easy. Go to a casino. That's what I used to do to get my limit up. I would drive to Colorado, just open up all those casinos in 94, 95. I would drive to the casinos, gamble, and then tell the guy, I didn't know what I was doing. I would go lose like three hands of cards. I don't play fucking cards. I don't even know how to play blackjack. People get mad at me. You shouldn't take that card. You don't hit on 18.

Starting point is 00:32:58 You know, I would always do stupid shit, but I had no fucking idea what I, but I would go up to those clubs and I would lose three hands and then ask the pit boss. I'd ask him, listen, I got 300 on this visa card. I went again when they go, let's call visa. And they would call visa together and I would bump my limit. And then I would, I would bump my, I had a different person dying in my family once a month. They love to pay for fucking funeral trips home. Oh, they'll love it. This is all inside information I'm giving you. Uncle Joey's inside information on how to fuck visa in the ass. All of them. All I would call them up from a casino and have the pit ball that this does not work anymore. American Express cards. I was getting cash advances on them. God, try to get a cash advance on American Express. How wait, you can't. I figured out a way how to do it with casino money at the casino. They want you to fucking gamble and the visa people want you to fucking gamble. How crazy is that? Try it. Next time you have like a 15 on our limit. I know you're not a degenerate gamble, but just try it to see if I'm fucking lying to you.

Starting point is 00:34:05 Go to a casino, step foot in the casino, call them from the fucking casino, let them hear the bells, bing, bing, bing, bing, couple old ladies winning and shit. Watch what they say to you on the phone. I'm here at a casino. I'm here with my family. I want to go to a big dinner. Talk about anything but gambling, but mention casino 10 times and watch how quick they'll go. They'll go. Hold on. Let me check your file. Okay. What a surprise. We'll bump you up 500 on a limit. When you do that to three cards, that's $1500. I'm rocking with. So I was doing that to the guys. Come on. You're talking to the wrong fucking guy. But anyway, how did I get rid of that debt? You guys got to remember when you say to me, how do you get rid of that debt in 1996? I made $8600 one year. That was my whole year. 95. Don't even worry about it. That had to be in the same neighborhood. 97. I made $9200. Okay. That was the extent of it, guys. So how do you look at your monthly, like there was not $8000 a month. There was no $4000 a month. I'm talking about 800. That's below poverty.

Starting point is 00:35:18 That's welfare type shit. I never went for welfare. I didn't need to. I kept fucking doing what I was doing. What I did was this. This was the perfect way to fucking do it. I disappeared. I didn't answer the phone. I disconnected all phones. I pulled all wires out. I got rid of all credit cards so they couldn't monitor me. When you have no credit cards, they can't monitor you. All I got to do is, where's my cat? If I'm slick, I call a credit card company and go, where's the last place I use my card? And they'll tell you. They'll ask you a bunch of questions. I can't call them the same. Michael Klein. I want to know where I lost my card. They'll ask me for my soul show and all that shit, but they can't monitor you. So I was off the grid. Little by little, I was getting letters like how they would... When I was living in Colorado, I had a P.O. box and I would get letters on how they did the... they just washed the debt. They just... I would get one like letter every six months, discover, got rid of the debt. This one, this one, this one, but guys, it took...

Starting point is 00:36:29 You got to remember, I did all this in 1995. By 95, I had no credit cards. The debt was official. By the time I got in that car, July 1st of 1995, that's what I was down. $310,000. No fucking possibilities. When you're down $310,000, the only way to pay it is by getting $10,000, $40,000 payments. You're not going to knock it down with $50 a month. I knew that. I would be dead. So when they knocked all that stuff down, I got eliminated $210,000. I never paid a dime at $210,000. Knock on wood. Am I not... I'm not proud of that, but that's the way the ball bounces sometimes, especially when you're young and you're stupid. You know, I don't know what they do to you today. If they'll make you pay it. I was always prepared to make some sort of payment when things started rolling. So I was down $100,000. I owed two attorneys $55,000 and I owed my friends $40,000, which was $20,000, which puts me at $95,000. Forget about child support. Child support had to be up to fucking $15,000 at that time. So I didn't pay any of those things all. The first time I made any substantial money was when I booked that Taco Bell commercial. And I called my friends the two I owed the 22.

Starting point is 00:37:55 And I said, every week I'm going to send you $500, $500, $500, and we're going to start working on this, you know, because I didn't make a payment for about two years. I kept in touch with them. I called them and told them the truth. And they were like, as long as you talk to us, if I'd say August 1st, and I didn't have the money for them, August 1st, I call them and go, dog, I just don't have it. And they told me themselves. They go, we don't want you to send us hundreds. Like, don't send us hundreds because you're never going to make a dent in it. Just send chunks. So when I got that fucking Taco Bell commercial, I started paying off my personal debts. I paid off the Taco Bell commercial. Let me pay both friends 40,000. I paid that off. And I think I knocked the attorney down the one attorney to like five and the one attorney to like 45. So at least they were in the game. You know, when I paid my buddies off, they fucking cried. They were like, we thought we were never going to get this money. And we're still friends today over that. We'll still be a friend today. One of them was from Mississippi. I was going to see him last week, but he was in LA. And the other guy still lives in Colorado. They were just, they, they did me right until this day. You know, I try to call them and contact them and say hello, thank you for that $40,000 because I would have never fucking made it.

Starting point is 00:39:18 I got the one attorney down to $5,000, the cokehead, and then he disappeared. I kept calling him. He changed his number. We did speak and he goes, thank you for sending me the money. I'm going to go to Hawaii or something. I never heard back from him. I got the money from him if he ever wants. It was like $5,000. I think I had him down to $4,500 because I was sending all those people $500 payments. The other attorney took a fucking while, but I, since I had no other debt with the other people, I told the attorney I would start making monthly payments. So at first I was hitting them with $150 a week. He wasn't happy, but I was consistent. $150 a week is $600 a month. When you owe, you know, $15,000, $40,000, it's going to take a while. And then something happened in 2004. I got the longest yard because I knew, listen, yeah, you could pay off bills. If you don't use that card, you keep sending them $50,000 and you'll get it down. Okay. At the time I was always struggling. So I was paying child support at that time, trying to get back on that. And then my child support, I got a letter one day saying I owe $60,000. And that's when me and my wife flipped because my wife and I at the time were missing meals so I could pay child support. So my wife went over to the check cash in place where I used to cash my checks because I don't have a bank account, but I would also get my fucking money orders there to pay child support.

Starting point is 00:40:51 So she had them type up the report and sent it to him. Then my child support got knocked down $40,000 to $20,000. Guys, you have no fucking idea what I went through with this debt. Then the Barry Seiko, that was the last attorney I paid. I started paying him back in 2004. And by the end of the longest yard, he was paid off. So by 2005, I was completely paid off to all the people I owed money to. It took me seven fucking years. So it was $100,000 plus plus $150 altogether, maybe $140 after all of a sudden done. And then I had to get my life started. Couch, chair, bed, TV, blender, you know, little things that people have when they're 20. Yeah, I didn't have to. I was fucking don't get me started on the mustard. That's my weak fucking point. I still get mad at my ex-wife for taking the mustard when she left me. Who takes the fucking mustard guys?

Starting point is 00:41:49 But that is a motherfucker, guys. I don't fucking, that's why now I get rid of everything. Like I don't, that's how me and Ari became friends. I borrowed 200 bucks from Ari. I told him I would have it two days later and I paid him two days later and he was like, I'm never going to see this $20 again. When I paid him, I go, dog, I don't fuck my friends out of money. I don't because I've been fucked out of money. If you're a scumbag drug dealer, you go suck my dick. I ain't going to pay you shit. But if you're the fucking real deal Holyfield, you get it. That is something that's in your mind. At first, it had me fucking down because if you know anything about me, I'm paying that motherfucker. Like I was, I was ready to pay that 300,000 credit card debt. Like I was like, I just have to chop it up to the rest of my life.

Starting point is 00:42:34 I don't like all in money. That's a, and I've trust me, I beat a lot of people for drug money. But when you give me money out of your pocket, I understand and I paid everything off. Now in like 2000, after I paid the longest shot off, I did get a nickel credit card. Somebody sent me some poor bastard sent me a mastercard, but my limit, my fucking interest rate was 18%. So if I spent 300, at the end of the month, I'd be overextended on my fucking 18% interest. It was a fucking nightmare. When we canceled that card, we were so fucking happy. But here's the funny thing. I paid everything like a fucking man. I fucking did it. And I wasn't happy about it while I was writing those checks. I always got dizzy.

Starting point is 00:43:21 You know, I always knew I could use more money for cocaine. You know what I'm saying? There's nothing like when you get a bunch of checks and you're like, okay, I got this money hanging out. I'm paying everybody, but I'm only saving 100 for coke. That doesn't sound right. I need like 250 for an 8-ball, but you know what, guys? I fucking did it, man. And debt is something that's in your mind. Don't let it get you down. Somebody gave me this advice when I went to them and I, when I borrowed the 20,000, one of my friends, he goes, because I went to them for like 60 and he was like, I'll give you 20 and I'll tell you why. There ain't no debtors' prison. There ain't a debtors' prison, guys.

Starting point is 00:43:58 You know, I'm sitting here telling you this story because you're young. A lot of years are young. You're going to fall into this credit card hole. Believe me. It's a trap. It's always there. What's that? Just pay your taxes. Just pay your taxes, too. That's a complete deal. With taxes, I don't fuck around with them. And I owe taxes, too. Because I didn't pay taxes from 1991 to 2002. No, I didn't pay taxes. Guys, after you're in debt and nobody likes you, what are you going to pay taxes for?

Starting point is 00:44:38 Nobody likes me. What am I going to pay taxes for? I didn't pay shit. And then my wife today talked me into going to the IRS like a man and I was scared shit and they charged me 150 a month for three years. They're not looking to throw you in jail either, guys. They're looking to cut a deal with you. They're looking for you to have a life. When I went to the IRS, I thought it was going to be uptight fucking people with pencil holders and shit. Not at all. I had a lady who was sweeter than pie. They go back seven years. They break it up and you make payments.

Starting point is 00:45:12 And when you're finished, you're done. That's it, guys. And it was $150. That's not that bad. And I didn't get thrown in jail, you know, which was the fucking scary thing is getting fucking thrown in jail. So, you know, when you're getting debt, bro, I lost sleep over. I still remember the first time I couldn't make a credit card payment. And how bad I felt like I cried in the car. Like I was like, I'm a fucking family. But then at this point, listen, I went to jail. I fucked and quit high school. I had nothing going on. My wife dumped me.

Starting point is 00:45:45 What am I going to do? Who gives a fuck? Spend me, marry, eat. I just said that this is what I'm going to do. And either, guys, I had a very fucking ugly plan. My plan was to go to LA and the first time I had a problem. Somebody accused me of something fucking hitting them or stealing or something. I was going to go back, kill my ex-wife and then drive to New Jersey and have the feds hunt me down in North Bergen. Good luck. And I was going to sell Coke or do whatever stupidity I was going to do

Starting point is 00:46:16 till I died, got shot, I got thrown in jail. That was my outlook at 30 years old when I got into fucking comedy. And when I got to LA, I'm like, I can't believe I'm in LA. But if something fails, fuck it. I'll stop in Colorado, stab a few people, go to Jersey and sell Coke until the cops kill me. I killed myself or, you know, whatever. The plan didn't work out that way. Thank God, thank God I ended up. And all this happened because I met this woman.

Starting point is 00:46:45 Because if I didn't meet this woman, I had nothing to fucking live for, right? Like, yeah, when you're by yourself, who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck. If you know anything about me, I can live in this room. If you know anything about me, I can live in this fucking room and not be ashamed. I've done it before. A little towel on the floor, a blankie, a pillow, a fucking TV at night. You go watch Netflix on your computer. Think about it. Think about what you would do if you were by yourself. But when you have a family, obviously you can't live in a fucking shed in your backyard.

Starting point is 00:47:16 Because I could have found a way to live in a, you know, that was it. When you're a single loser, you're like, fuck it. If somebody rents me a closet, I'm good. It's mine. I can put some books on the shelves. I knew a guy who slept in a fucking closet. He lived in his buddy's fucking closet. You know, when you walk down the stairs, those closets underneath. He lived right in there. He was happy as shit. He was Spider-Man. No, he was at the Hulk at the fucking Man's Chinese Theater. He was one of those characters that played the Hulk.

Starting point is 00:47:43 And he lived over at the Martell Cartel where I used to get coke. And I'd go there at night and his name was... Do what? Be real? I don't know. What the fuck? Who that? Who that? That's what we used to call him. Who that? Who that lived in the fucking closet, cocked up this? Anyway, it's a great week. Thank you for watching us this week. This is our first week back from Labor Day. Nobody really knew what they were going on.

Starting point is 00:48:09 Next week we'll have guests in Zoom and live guests and explosions to whatever the fuck happens. Pa-pow, cock-suckers! Don't forget... Tonight I'm at Uncle Vinnie's. Tomorrow I'm at Uncle Vinnie's. They're all sold out. Do not forget tomorrow night. Buffalo against motherfucking the Rams. Oh shit! And then this weekend you got fucking Diaz against Shasmat. You got a great weekend. You got no excuse. I got a thousand things to do.

Starting point is 00:48:36 I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great week. And I'll see you cock-suckers next Monday. Tip top, motherfucking Magoo. Alright, I want to thank you, motherfuckers. It's another fun field week. It was Labor Day week. It was a little slow. But we're picking this motherfuck up next week. The joint is brought to you by DraftKings. Listen, Saturday is UFC 279, I think.

Starting point is 00:49:00 I hope. I don't fucking know, but it's there. DraftKings Sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the UFC will be there. Also, this Thursday night is the beginning of NFL season. And right now new customers can bet $5 and get 203 bets. And as an added bonus for week one, everybody can experience the thrill of DraftKings early win promotion. If your team is up by 10 points at any point during the game, you get paid instantly even if your team fucking drops the ball and loses. Who's better than DraftKings? Nobody.

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Starting point is 00:50:08 Christmas is around the corner, gobble, gobble. The joint is also fucking brought to you by FreezePipe. Listen, this fucking FreezePipe makes some bungs that'll make your fucking eyebrow hair shoot out of your head. The hit it gives you is fucking tremendous. It's easy. The FreezePipe, you just freeze it, pack it, and when you're ready, rip that motherfucker. The hot smoke passes through your frozen part. Cooling down the smoke as you inhale.

Starting point is 00:50:34 I love these. I'm a fucking big fan of the Bubbler. It's small, nobody knows what I'm doing. It comes with a little pipe that you can take outside. Forget about it. FreezePipe is non-toxic. Freeze is faster than water and stays frozen longer. FreezePipe cools down the smoke by hundreds of degrees.

Starting point is 00:50:52 Now listen, your Uncle Joey's taking care of you. Go take care of your lungs, cock sucker. The FreezePipe.com pressing cold Joey to save 10% on your first door. Look at that bong. It's fucking beautiful. Get yourself a new bong, a pipe, or a Bubbler. That's the FreezePipe.com pressing cold Joey to save 10% FreezePipe. It's like fucking smoking a snowball and letting it melt.

Starting point is 00:51:19 I want to thank DraftKings. I want to thank CBD Lion. But I want to thank you guys for always having my back. I love you. Have a great weekend and we'll be back Monday morning. Tip Top Magooie.

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #194 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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