Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #195 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, September 12th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Better Help�� DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month.  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's Monday. Let's get this party started. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here for another fun-filled week of the motherfucking joint. It was a great weekend, a great week, great UFC before anything started. I want to, you know, America 20 fucking one years. We don't know what the fuck happened. We were all waking up, planes were flying around, people were yelling, nobody knew what the fuck happened.

And here we are today. It was funny because I went to the gym yesterday morning just to ride the bike and stretch on Sunday. And the TV was on. When I walked in, they said no music today because of 9-Eleven. I was like, fuck, I forgot all about 9-Eleven. You know, you remember the date but you forget it's 9-Eleven today. And I was riding the bike and the TV was on and they were doing a memorial from the 9-Eleven spot like the World Trade Center, I guess. And it was just like two people at a time reading out all the names of the people and, you know, because when you hear whatever, 1400 people, whatever, that's it, it's a number.

But when I was on the bike and I was seeing the names coming up and where they were from and, you know, their ages, that was a fucking horrible, horrible, horrible fucking day. Like these guys would have been 40 today. Like I read a ton of kids, you know, 26, 30, and yeah, there was a lot of seniors, like 52, 51, there were guys from Coltsnack, guys from my area that commute to New York. And it just fucking dawned on me for a second, like what the fuck happened that day? And, you know, I'm a New Yorker at fucking heart. I mean, all I know is this area as a kid. So on 9-Eleven, it did fuck with me a little bit, you know, like when I woke up in New York and I called my friends and I called whatever family I had. And it was just a shitty day, you know.

But I got a lesson out of this. That's real important. And that's what I've been telling you motherfuckers for years. Yes, it was 21 years ago and it was a sad day in fucking America. But guess what? America bounced back like a motherfucker. America bounced back like a motherfucker. That happened 21 years ago.

That said, it's over. We remember it. We remember the people, like there's a kid from my high school that went in there to save somebody. It was a cop. He never came back out, Chris Amoroso. They have a benefit from every year. This year was on a Saturday night. And it's just weird, like when you look at it now, you know, and you see what the fuck we're made of as Americans.

Yeah, that was a bad day for us. And we all have fucking bad days in life and a micro sense, you know. But guess what, man, it gets better and you keep moving. I mean, there was a bunch of people there going, you know, Grandma never met you. But, you know, I think about you every day and shit that that was just a hard day in America. Yes, it was. But guess what? We fucking got up.

We moved forward. We went over there and a little bunch of fucking, you know, people on fire, whatever the fuck we did, how we did it, when we did it. It doesn't concern us in a way. It's something way bigger than us that any of us could ever comprehend. But like that's what I got out of it this morning. We're fucking Americans, man. We do whatever the fuck we want. This is fucking America.

You understand me? And that's what's wrong with people today. They're slipping. They're forgetting that. They're fucking America. Okay. And while you're worried about pronouns and fucking taking medication and doing all this shit, America's fucking America, motherfuckers. Don't ever fucking forget that.

I loved living here and I love being a part of this and I love fucking knowing that as a fucking American, you could have a fucking bad day. Like I did when I found my fucking mother. And guess what? Have another bad day of fucking going to jail for something you did. Nobody fucking put you in there because you were just at home whistling Dixie. Don't get me wrong. But at the same fucking time as an American, we bounce back. It's our toughness.

This is what our lives are about. Not about worrying about pronouns or fucking, you know, it's not, it's gone away. We're Americans. We fall and we get the fuck up immediately. We don't sit there and wait for a fucking Jesus to come and wake you and top you on the fucking shoulder. This is America. So yes, it was 9-11 yesterday and yes, it happened 21 fucking years ago and it was a horrible fucking day. But guess what?

As Americans, we bounce back and we're slinging dick with three fucking hands. And guess what? That'll never happen again. That'll never happen again. We're fucking prepared. So all you motherfuckers that want to be woke and are worried about all the fucking wrong things in this life that's going on right now, worry about fucking us. We're fucking Americans.

And that's it. And we fuck up and we get up and we plow through it. And if we fuck up again, we get up again and we plow fucking through it. That's what this means. You know, like I said, sad, a plain hit. All this shit is bad. But guess what? Just getting up is the most important thing and we got up.

And this is a lesson for fucking everybody. This is a lesson for everybody. Those people that walked in that day, they didn't know that we're going to fucking get hit in the head with a fucking missile. Nobody fucking knew. So it just baffles me that we're worried about all these fucking things in today's world. I mean, all these things that aren't even going to fucking matter in 20 fucking years. We're going to look at this as a joke. Remember when everybody tried to be woke?

Oh my God, get the fuck out of here. Remember when we were fucking Americans? That's what I want you motherfuckers to remember. That we're fucking Americans. Fuck you tranny shit. Fuck your weakling. Fuck your fucking your allergy to peanut. We're fucking Americans, man.

And we're dwelling too much on his shit. What we're weak on, but we, we work from strength. I work from fucking strength. I try to do my artist to work from fucking strength, except for dying my fucking head. You know what I'm saying? You got to work from weakness. But anyway, that's what's going on in my world on a beautiful fucking Monday morning, the day after 9-11. That's what the message I fucking got.

You know, we're Americans, man. Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will never out. What the fuck is going on today? Everybody's sensitive. Everybody's worried about the fucking wrong things. And I'm done with this fucking conversation because I get fucking irritated. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It's a beautiful Monday.

I had to dye my hair. We're making progress, guys. I haven't heard from the fucking play, but I did hear from the movie that I was very excited about. First they hit me back and they go, Joey, do us a favor. You taped against a white wall. I forgot. Like I taped against a white wall with a black suit on. And I had a white face and white fucking hair.

So I blended right into the white. So they called on... I had to put the audition on tape for Tuesday. They called back Wednesday and they're like, Joey, we need a big favor. Don't get insulted. Can you dye your hair? And I'm like, what? Out of all the fucking requests, they're like, can you dye your hair?

Your white hair just mixed into your skin color and then mixed into the wall and you look like a fucking locus. Do you mind doing it? I'm like, okay, I'll do it. It's a lot of fucking verbiage. So I sat down. I got the teleprompter set up again and I had to read with my fucking wife. Okay. I didn't look at the audition because I thought my wife was looking at me.

When I asked her how was the audition, she goes, it was great. And I knew the words. I knew the, you know, but after she sent the fucking thing, I saw that the audition was on my phone. And I looked at it and I'm like, I didn't look at the camera because the computer was down here. So I kept reading and looking up at the camera and I'm like, what the fuck? Thank God they called on Friday and said, Joey, we liked your read, but only one thing. Can you do it again and stand up? Because I was sitting down for the read because it's me at a table with two other gangsters talking shit.

So I said, fine. So they gave me till Friday to get my shit together. I've been studying them every day this fucking weekend. I sat down 30 minutes. I ran over them when my wife came home. We sat down one over them for a half hour. They told me they don't want to tape by fucking Friday. I'm going to work this motherfucking audition from every angle I can.

And I'm going to get this fucking role. I just feel that good about it. I got another audition to where I play like a brother and his fucking brother, Marco and Marcus. I got to play two fucking. I can't deal with that shit. I got to do concept changes and wardrobe changes. That shit ain't for me. I can't.

And plus it coincides. So I got a pilot. I'm shooting October 4th and I got this fucking movie, hopefully with the grace of God. And this week we start the residency Saturday night. I know the tickets are sold out and people have pissed and whatever. Listen, I put them on sale. You know, I don't know. It's the lucky draw.

I'm going to add some new shows, nothing in Jersey, but I'm going to add some new shows in New York. Try to do a Long Island show one of these weekends, maybe on a Thursday night up at the fucking. I talked to Linda Rowe. I over a call. You know, I'm going to spread it out a little bit. I've been in Jersey too much, but the Jersey residency is over with guys. Thank God I had a great time. I appreciate everybody who came to the shows.

Uncle Vinny's did a fucking great job. Natalie Cuomo. I mean, it was just a great little fucking situation, but it's time to move up into the fucking theater. It's time for Uncle Joey on Broadway. I had a great time in Point Pleasant, but it's time to go smoke some dope with some fucking savages over there in fucking New York City. Yeah, it was a great weekend, man. The UFC was crazy. You know, listen, guys, I don't discuss the UFC on here as much as a lot of people like me to do because there's 200 podcasts that do it.

They already discussed a lot of UFC, you know, and I watch like this. There's weeks. I forget that there's a fight on people hit me up on Patreon. Joey, did you watch the fun like fuck? I didn't even know that. Like I didn't want to see real gains against two evils. I don't watch a lot of fights, but this one I wanted to watch. I wanted to see what had happened.

I mean, Friday was fucked up. There was a fight, I guess, on Thursday at the press conference. No, no, it was two teams were yelling in the back. Kevin Hollins team and Cosmuts team and fucking Nate Diaz started throwing bottles. I don't know. I wasn't there, but they canceled it. So it looked like it was going to be great fireworks. So I watched the fights.

I watched like I watched the girl. I watched the first fight. Yeah, I watched all the fight. I didn't watch any prelims or anything. I had two softball games on Saturday. I had one softball game on Sunday fucking pool party on Saturday, you know, so I got I came home just in time to watch the fucking card and it was great. You know, man, you watch these guys when I started watching the UFC.

I am not like I didn't watch UFC two or three. I didn't even know what the fuck was going on. I didn't jump on boy. And this is silver came on to the league. And it's really weird that the people that I started watching over the years and now getting older, you know, Nick Diaz, Nate Diaz, they're gone. GSP, the guys I started, you know, John Finch, who's on fucking Twitter doing fight programs. He's fucking great.

You know, all these guys are the guys I came into the UFC with. And now a lot of these fighters, I have no idea who the fuck they are, you know, the fight game moves so fast. But I want to watch Nate against Tony Ferguson. I know both of them. They're very nice fucking guys. Great fighters, you know, the Cosmot fight. I don't know.

He picked that guy up and threw him around by his neck like a fucking chicken. That dude is out of his fucking mind. That Cosmot. Listen, guys, I've met a lot of people. You know, you know, I got my own problems. I met a lot of crazy people, but that Cosmot, that dude is crazy. Every time he goes, woo, I'm like, oh, my God, because he always comes out yelling. I'm a hit man. This I'm going to murder this guy.

And then also at the end he goes, woo. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. This guy is hearing voices and shit. Somebody's going to die in that fucking octagon. But it was great. I bet Nick Diaz. I didn't, you know, listen, those UFC fights, if you're looking to bet and win money on them, there's no money on them.

Like, if you bet, check Cosmot to win last night, you won $9. You put up like 25 to win $9. You know what I'm saying? I like fights where you put up 25, you win 60, at least double your fucking money to watch the fight for your time. But I bet Diaz small and I bet Diaz to win by decision, which I lost that fucking thing. But it was still a great fight. It was great to see him. And you know, here's the thing about Nate Diaz.

Here's the thing about a lot of people, you know, perception is fucking huge sometimes. And the perception that we have of certain people like myself, if you look at Nate Diaz, you could tell he smokes dope. You could tell he's punched drunk a little bit. He's been punching the head a couple of times. But let me tell you something about Nate Diaz. He's a fucking intelligent guy. Those fights, to be a fighter, you have to be that.

Listen, let's quote this to be a fighter and to last 20 years in the fight game. There has to be some intelligence. There has to be some composure. You know, he ended his contract with the UFC 20 fights, whatever, all these guys, you know, you have to respect that. But when you look at a guy like Nate Diaz or some of these other fighters, you always bring like your own judgment and like, maybe he's a fighter, maybe he's not that sharp. These guys, you know, somebody gave Nate Diaz that million dollars when he fought, when he beat McGregor the first time.

And yeah, he must have bought a pound of pot and some sneakers and shit, but he took his money and he invested it correctly. Then he got another million and God knows how many millions he got over the fucking years. And he invested them. And, you know, he wants to do a promotion now. He wants to, he wants to do other things. That's what he said. He wants to master other things. And that's called evolution guys.

You know, there's nothing worse than seeing a guy and he's like, well, I'm going to go up to the leagues and make money and kick the fuck out everybody. Nate's not talking about that. He's evolving. He's evolving. How many guys do you see that truly, really evolve? They go to the UFC and then they go, you know, they get cut and they go to the PFL or something or Bellator. They have a couple of different things, but at the end of the day, you know, you're 40 with no work.

And yeah, you could teach martial arts, you could open up a school, you could train other guys and stuff like that. You know, it's amazing when you pick something and it opens up other doors for you for the future. That's right here. I gotten to stand up. I was so insecure. I didn't think I could ever do anything, but I thought I had a grip with stand up. I fit all the, you know, like when you, you know, look at job qualifications like high school diploma, a valid New Jersey driver's license, you know, prerequisites.

Well, prerequisites for comedy are like fucking drinking, doing drugs and you know, so they fit who I was at the time. As I got older, you know, I still did the drugs and I still enjoyed doing stand up. But then I met someone and then the, not the odds change, but it's not that the odds ever change. It's that the stakes change. The stakes change. You're looking for different things now. You're not looking for a big fucking house anymore. It's like a 40 year old divorced woman.

She's not looking for, I want a guy that looks like Richard Gere that comes up with a horse. No, that ship sailed. You got cheated on. He fucked your sister. Listen, right now you just want a guy that's got teeth, a job and insurance. And that's what they, you know, you just, you adjust your fucking outlook, you know. One of the biggest fears I ever had with anything in life was having a job. And having a great job or a great career like comedy or boxing or something that you work on commission, a musician, something like that.

You work on commission, you know, and you do your 20 years over to something. And one day you decide, you know what, this is not what I want to do anymore. I still enjoy playing the guitar, but I think I want to broaden my horizons with, with a producing and maybe teaching the guitar and maybe managing a band, you know, that's the next evolution of guys. When I got to the comedy store, one of the scariest things for me, like, and guys, I never really had a lot of fears of the future because I never thought I was going to make it. I never thought I was going to make it past 37. I never thought, and then when I hit 40, I'm like, whoa, holy shit. I hit 40. What's going to happen now?

So I never really prepared for the future, but it was always on the back burner. It was on the back. It was one of those things that comes up every once in a while in your life and you go, fuck it. I don't want to think about that right now. It'll all work out, but it's not going to work out. And then I hit my 40s and, and I remember when I was 44 or 45 or whatever, I got married and everything fucking changed. Like everything changed immediately. When I got married, I don't know what happened to me.

I still wanted to do stand up. I still wanted to act. I still want to do a lot of things, but I wanted something to change. You know, so I said, maybe I'll sell some cars and the podcasting thing came up and we didn't know where the podcasting was going to take us. We thought the podcast thing was going to last maybe a year or two. Well, it lasted like fucking 20 years and it took me to the age of 16. I'm very fucking grateful for it because my biggest fear was when I got to the comedy store. I re I saw a lot of 50 year old guys when I got to the comedy store, I was probably, I don't know, 32, 33.

There was a lot of guys up there in their 40s, a couple guys lurking in their 50s. You walk in the comedy store, they have puppy dog eyes. And they, you know, they were looking for a spot or, or I don't want to say a handout, but they were looking for somebody to help them out with something. And that's, listen, that's great. But when you're 40 and 50, it seems like people don't want to help you. It seems like, you know, you're out of people, but look, you're a little long in the fucking tooth, you know, whatever. So people don't want to help you. And I saw a lot of guys up there that it was kind of sad.

And again, for me, I would go, you know what, I'm not even going to worry about that because number one, I'm never going to be fucking. I'm never going to do anything with this comedy shit. I'm just going to be one of Missy's losers till I'm 50. Hopefully she'll throw me out. And I'll just do these fucking D rooms all around town and tell people stories when I opened up for Joe Rogan on the road. And did I ever tell you about, you know, and you're like, you're like, really, guys? So that was my biggest fear was to be it. My biggest fear of all time was to end up a guy with a ponytail with Led Zeppelin shirt on at Subway Sandwiches.

That was my biggest fear. You know, you've all seen those guys, you walk into a gas station. They're fucking 60. They still got Led Zeppelin shirt on and they're working there and that the kids, the 20 year olds are like impressed with them because they're like, oh, we went to see I party with Jimi Hendrix. No, you know, so right away, the young kids like fucking and that lasts for about three months until one day you're like, what the fuck? You're my dad's age and you work here. My dad's at home watching fucking the news and you're here working like a fucking stiff that you are four to 12 and you go to your shitty fucking apartment. Trust me, there's a lot of guys that do that.

And when I was young, that's the life I wanted. I want to live like Charles Brunson. I didn't want to be like fucking. I didn't want to be fucking Johnny Boombats with a family or nothing. I wanted my own little room, you know, maybe a cat with a bowl of milk next to my bed. One of those little army cuts. That's what I thought I was going to end up with. So I never really thought about that this day would come that I'd have a daughter or being married, you know, so I worked fucking tremendously hard.

So that wouldn't happen. I was always worried about it. But when the podcast came and all of a sudden my standup started blowing up a little bit, I'm like, okay, I'm not going to be in a rough shape when I'm fucking 50. Because I'll never forget about four years ago, I got a, I was flying to Chicago and sitting next to me. And when I got to the airport, I saw a comic that's a little older than I am. He was a great comic, HBO specials, everything. This guy was fucking great in the 80s, 90s. And then, you know, he got older, you know, and when I caught him on the plane that day, he was a guy I looked up to.

For a long time, like I looked up to this guy. But after that plane ride right that day, I was very sad with him. You know, he was 50. So he was my age now. This had to be maybe five years ago. He was my age now. I was probably 54, you know, and he was just a two hour plane ride of negativity. And what I, and I, and I liked the guy.

So I listened to him. I heard him out, but it wasn't negativity. It was like negativity, but at the same time he was putting me down for what I was doing, you know, for, you know, I was rockin' and roll. You should quit now. But when those, nothing's going to go anywhere. These people suck, you know. And I remember that he was mad at me because I wouldn't tell Rogan to put him on the podcast because he thought if I get Rogan one time on the podcast, his life would change. He's the guy that's been doing comedy for fucking 30 years at the time.

And he thought that if he went on Rogan's podcast for one episode, everything was going to fucking change. And I'm like, wow, this is kind of scary. And I'm like, you know what, man, I'm going to make sure that when I get to that age, I don't want to be bitter about comedy. I don't want this in my life. This ain't worth it. And today he's gone. He disappeared. He, he struck some money by mistake and it was, he just didn't want to do it no more.

I never wanted to be in a position where I didn't want to do something and I still had to fucking do it. That's fucking horrible. That's horrible. That's a horrible way to live. And let me tell you something. 60% of Americans live that way because they bought a house. They invested in a car and now they got to make car payments. They, they, they spent over the head.

You know, the last thing I wanted was that my fucking was supposed to be my golden years for me to be breaking my fucking hump doing. I didn't want it doing shit. I didn't want to fucking do. That's what'll kill you. You know, and it's funny because the last two weeks or so, the wrestler has been on. Have you ever seen the movie, the wrestler? You know, I don't, I do a movie of the week on, on Patreon. I do an hour a week, a movie of the week, whatever's going on.

But the wrestler is a movie I've always liked. I've always enjoyed the wrestler. First off, I'm a big Mickey Rourke fan. So I understand, you know, I liked the movie he made with Kim Bastinger. We put the carrots in a pussy. I liked the Pope of Greenwich Village. I like fucking Angel Heart. I like a lot of fucking his movies, a movie.

I forget the movie where he played the attorney and shit. When the wrestler came out, I mean, nobody wanted to do business with him anymore. You know, nobody like he had just gotten fucking crazy, but everybody knows all those old dudes have one great film. One great, you know, it's like the Giants, it's like the San Francisco 49ers in the fucking 80s. They would always sign people at one year contracts. Guys that were 34, you know, that the team they were with was unhappy. They could see that their young kids were coming in fucking San Francisco would start them and get that year. They would have their best years.

They'd be an old man, but they'd have their best years because they knew they only had one year. And they wanted to make the best of one year. I don't know what Mickey Rourke was thinking when he made the wrestler. I liked the wrestler. I enjoyed a lot of parts of the wrestler, but the thing that stuck with me the most, the wrestler is a story that I dreaded. The wrestler is about Mickey Rourke and he's an old wrestler. He already fought in Madison Square Garden. You know, he did all his great things.

He fought on pay-per-view, sold all these things, but that was in his 30s. Now he's like 50-55. He lives in a van. He does steroid. They show the whole life of a wrestler. And the funny thing is, it's shot here in New Jersey. It's all around. If you, as soon as you see it, you'll go, holy fuck, it's like the Amboys and South, it's all South Jersey.

But this movie is everything. And whenever I see this movie, I'm sad, but I'm happy at the same time that I didn't fall into this. I mean, listen, let's figure this out. If I wouldn't have married my wife, Terry, if I would have just told Terry, listen, I don't want to get clean and sober. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I love you. You go on with your life and do the best you can. I'm keeping touch with you and stuff because I really love my wife.

But if I didn't like, if I didn't get clean from Coke, I don't see my life to be any different than the wrestler. And that's a horrible fucking story. Lonely. You know, you live in a fucking van. You live in a trailer. He sleeps in his trailer, but when he doesn't have money for the rent, he has to sleep in the van. I know we've all done that. I've done that shit like a motherfucker.

You know, he has no girlfriend. He had no wife, no children. He had a daughter that didn't speak to him, reminder of anybody. So, I mean, there was just all these things that you look at at the end of your life. And listen, this guy, this character that he played did great things in wrestling. But, you know, you get too old to fly through the fucking air. I mean, this guy in this movie, you know, he's Mickey Rourke's age, this character and he's doing all this shit that young kids got to do. He's got to get hit in the head with chairs and fucking, they cut razor blades and fucking, you know, they're spraying bug spray in their eyes.

They're fucking throwing them off a ladder. You think a 50 year old guy could do that? You got another thing coming. And he's not making thousands of dollars a fight. He's making a couple hundred here, a couple hundred here. He's just putting a fucking piece. I mean, there's a part where he's buying steroids. And the guy goes, I gave you eleven hundred dollars of steroids.

I know you only got four hundred. I'll carry you to the next time. You know, that guy knew he wasn't going to get the back end of the money from the steroids, but it's, you have, the universe helps you in a lot of way. I'm watching this movie and I'm like, wow, this would have been me if I wouldn't have got my life together. Like, this would have been me. Like, after Terry would have left and after the comedy was gone or maybe the comedy wouldn't be gone. People would still come up to me and say, hey, you're the guy from the longest yard. We could use you for this fucking comedy thing.

And I got to go wear a football shirt. Shit that I don't want to fucking do. They show him at, like, for years, my brother works. My brother, George, is a fucking savage. Great frame. He frames all this stuff, but he's a framer for Comic-Con and LA. The company he works for, one of the things he does is he frames. Every year he begs me, Joe, you got to come to Comic-Con.

Joe, you got to come to Comic-Con. I can't go to Comic-Con. I can't go to Comic-Con. I'll give you the reasons why. Because, yeah, it's about, you know, pop culture and all this shit that's going on today. And they do all these, you know, talks and all this stuff, Q&As about shows. And that's all great if you have the patience and if you like doing that stuff. I like doing that stuff, but I don't want to do it with 10,000 people around me.

You know, I want to see Pacino talk or something. But the other thing I don't like is the autograph booths. Like the people that sit there and you come up to me and go, hey, Joey, oh my God, I love the longest yard. It's 2050. That was 2005. You know, and here I am, old gray with a football shirt on, giving out autographs. Listen, it's a living. It's better than robbing somebody.

It's better than sleeping on somebody's couch. It's way better than doing anything. I just never wanted to do that. I couldn't see myself fucking sitting there and people coming up to me. I mean, they show like, like the wrestler, like Mickey Rourke and the wrestler. He's at the Comic Con. He was to first of all, it was not a Comic Con. It was a VFW.

And then, and they didn't even put them in the back. Like on Sundays in Old Bridge, they have a VFW, an Old Bridge, I think it is. And they do a baseball card show. And I went there one day and I was like, ooh, this is fucking crazy. I like that I bought some cards from Mercy and a friend bought some cards, but it was kind of, you know, it's the micro. You know, it's not like a big place with lights and pictures of fucking Bruce Lee. It's just a VFW that smells like piss and people going in and buying fucking cards on Sundays. No big deal, but he had a Comic Con at a VFW somewhere in Jersey, maybe Camden or something like that.

So it looked like Camden or one of those fucking places. And the guys were falling asleep. Like the other wrestlers. And he was looking at the other wrestlers. One wrestler was in a wheelchair. One wrestler had like a fake leg. Like two wrestlers just to sleep, you know, there was one wrestler that was drunk. And it just shows the sadness.

It shows the sadness of that life. You know, like it's all great and dandy when the lights are on and stuff. But once the light turns on and the show is over, you're in a fucking, you're sleeping with mice. You know, at the end of your fucking life, which just didn't work for me, man. I just didn't want to be that guy. And over the years, as a comic, you know, as a young comic, you have to work B rooms and C rooms. You're like, Joey, what the fuck is an A room? What's this?

An A room is an improv. An A room is a theater. An A room is, uh, then the comedy works as an A room. They got a lot of fucking stars there. Uh, the comedy store is obviously a fucking A room. The improv comedy clubs are A rooms. Carolines is an A room. Gotham is an A room.

Then there's the little clubs, the smaller mom and pop shops. They're either a B room or a C room, depending on what they fall into it. Like Uncle Vinny's where I perform. It's a great club, but it's in between a C and a B room. Okay. You're not going to get too many, you know, you're not going to get the Rogans and the Sebastian's. And not because it's not a good club. It's a small club.

It only seats 150 people. People with Sebastian's only do a show. They have to stay there for two months and do a show every day to reach everybody. So that's the only reason why, like that's the differences. So, you know, you always opt. You want to play in the A room. When you get older, you don't draw anymore. You don't, uh, you know, you can't do the longer weeks.

So there's comedy rooms for the Fridays and Saturdays, Poughkeepsie, you know, little rooms. Like, yeah, you have the Xanies in Nashville, but I think Jackson has a smaller comedy club. And then there's another place, a beer garden that does comedy. You know, if you can't get into the Xanies improv, uh, into Xanies, you know. So, but towards the end of your career, those are the rooms you'll be playing Xanies. Yeah. The guy like, listen, and there's another thing when I got into comedy. Not when I got into touring in 2009, like by myself, not with Joe or not with anybody else, Andrew or anybody else.

They told me to always be a gentleman at these clubs. They were like, always be a gentleman at these improvs because every time you go to an improv as a comic, your guarantee gets raised. Joey, what's a guarantee? Okay. When you first go to a club or something, it's your first time in a club headlining. They're probably going to give you a $1500 plus a paint plane ticket. You're going to do a thousand fucking shows, 1500 plus a plane ticket. Sometimes they don't even give you a fucking plane ticket.

So if you're getting 1500 bucks and if the fucking plane tickets 400, you get 900 now. So always think about all these things I'm talking about here. And I'll let you know if it's with a plane ticket or it's not with a plane ticket. Once you get a little older, they don't, you know, it's like when the wrestler walked in to do a gig, everybody was changing in like a dressing room, like a locker room that smelled like dick. And what did they do? They put him in a boiler room that smelled like more dick. Like that's the VIP section of the club, you know, the boiler room. At that point, you accepted when you were younger, you go, what the fuck is this?

I'm not performing here. I mean, there's comics. There was a comic when I started that if you sent a black limo for him, he wouldn't get in the fucking car. He would get back on the plane and go back home. Guys are black, a white fucking limo. If he didn't have a white limo and you, if you send a black limo, he would go home. So when that guy's in the sixties, he's going to have a hard time finding the fucking work because they have green rooms with like you're in the, you're in the fucking manager's office. You know, like a lot of people always go to me, I want to go on the ground.

I remember when I went to Buffalo as a guy that tortured me all weekend. I want to go in the green room. I want to go in the green room. I finally brought him in the green room. I said, I go, there's the green room. And he goes, where's the party? What? This is the green room.

What is your perception that happens in the green room? You think I got a chick back there that's cutting toenails and sucking assholes and food and people flying through it? There's nothing going on. It's me, Felicia, and whoever I'm seeing. And we're talking about a movie we saw two weeks ago. Nobody's drinking. Nobody's fucking jumping up and down. Nobody's ODing.

So, you know, people, some people just don't get it. But when you go to a club the first time as a comic, you always want to make a good impression. Like I bombed in Columbus, but I was a gentleman. Okay, what's a gentleman? You don't drink. You don't hit on the wait staff. You don't hit on anybody in the fucking club. You just go there, do your thing and be as nice as you can.

Every time you go to those clubs, if you do a good job, you get a raise. You keep getting a raise every year. I don't know. It goes up 500, maybe a thousand if you really, you know, and it goes and then one day you just blow out of that and you go into a theater and it, but if you're a gentleman all those years to that improv or that funny bone, whatever your guarantee is, it stays there. So, even though I might not be selling tickets in three fucking years, I'll still have that guarantee, that guarantee.

I worked my way up to get that guarantee. Do you follow me? Once you go to a B room and C room when you get older, the guarantee disappears. So either you stay in like for me, I would stay in improv's. I could stay at the improv's. If I traveled and shit, I would stay at the improv's till I'm fucking six until the improv's put me in there because I have a nice relationship with them. So, but that's the thing.

If you're a dickhead, they won't bring you back. So when you're old, the reward that you get is you don't have to sell that many tickets, but we'll bring you back twice as a thank you, as a thank you for being a gentleman all those years and for always coming here on time and for selling tickets and for promoting your dates. That goes a long fucking way, you know. Yeah. If you ever want to know what life is for people after the fucking fun is over and you don't

get treated, it's like watching Rocky, you know, Rocky got treated like shit before that happened. You know, they took his locker away. They fucking, you know, Rocky just got thrown to the wolves and then he won, then he got everything the fuck back. But if Rocky would have stayed in the thing, then your manager goes away. I just remember if you're not making money, you think these managers are going to stick around?

No. So all these older guys got no, we had no protection. We just count on Mike and I come April 22nd to the 23rd. Yeah. I don't know what's going to happen when I'm there because I don't sell tickets. Now I got to do shit. I don't want to do it. You might send me to a mall to give out flyers at a mall.

That's not what I want to do at 60 fucking years old. But if I want to fucking work, this is what I'm going to have to do. So do you understand how it works? So when you want to see that wrestler movie had nothing and it's what I tell people an art is an art is an art. You know, Jimmy Page walks into fucking the spec, uh, the garden right now, whatever bands on stage or give them a guitar. Nice and easy.

Jimmy Page could walk into the fucking garden tomorrow and go, how are you doing? I'm here to see rage against the machine and they'll look at them. Do you have tickets? Like I need fucking tickets. Well, I'm Jimmy fucking page. I'm walking right to the green room and I want to talk to fucking Tom Morello and figure out what extra guitars he has. That's how he's walking in there.

Cause he's an old man. He doesn't know. Then when he gets down there, like either they're going to go, holy shit. It's Jimmy fucking page. But if Jimmy, like I love Ace Freely, right from kiss, like Ace Freely is a fucking savage, but Ace Freely is a man without a fucking flag. Like he's just doing shit himself. He's with kiss.

So a lot of people are like, oh, we don't have to do anything for Ace Freely cause he's not a member of the kiss army. Do you see how it works guys? It's kind of fucking weird how goofy these people get. But Gene Simmons still gets fucking great treatment. But these guys could walk into anywhere and go, I'm here to perform with a band. They're on legend status. They're on legend status.

And yeah, you'll come in and sing something, something stupid song like get back. I don't want to hear get back by the Beatles. I was watching that thing last week from the Foo Fighters and it was very interesting until Paul McCartney came on with the Chick from the Pretenders. I didn't even see that one. Oh, I don't know what he was fucking singing, but it didn't sound good. Like this is the first, this is the first time he's ever performed that song live. Yeah, he should have performed it live 50 years ago when people gave a fuck.

Not now, 40 years. Yeah, come on, man. But he's a legend. So I mean, he's a legend status when he walked right the fuck on there. But did you see Ringo Stardale? Nobody gives a fuck about Ringo. And Ringo still touring, still trying to do his submarine band. Still, you know, he's sober now and the whole thing.

But it's a shitty fucking world for an old actor. It's a shitty fucking world for an old wrestler. It's a shitty fucking world for an old comic. And I am grateful every fucking day when I wake up. I don't have to go through that shit like beg to put me on stage or anything. I give that this makes me the happiest that I could be. You know, I always looked at Dominic Cianese's career. You know, Dominic Cianese, he was in Godfather II.

He was in Goddy. He was in a couple movies. And then when he's 60 fucking three or 64, he gets the break of a fucking lifetime. He gets the break of a fucking lifetime. And you're old, you know, you're fucking old. You can't do the same shit you used to. But you still do the best you fucking can. I mean, I love Dominic Cianese.

He became a star when he was 70 fucking years old. Those are the guys, you know, that you fucking look at and go, they survived this. And they did it the right way. And now they don't have to do stupid shit. I never really had to work with old actors. The only guy I worked with that wasn't on top of this. You know, he wasn't the guy he was when he shot Goodfellas was like Paul. I forget what his name is.

Paul Vario, whoever played Paul Vario. I did a movie with him, The Raging Bull. And he was older and he was great. He sang Italian songs all night with a guitar. You know, he fucking told them, slow down. I'm old. I work on my own pace. Like, you know, yeah, they, you know, they, they catered to him a little bit.

He knew his lines. You know, I worked at Rodney when he was old and that motherfucker did not know his fucking lines. And they had to read him off the camera. So he would go, line, Mike would say, go fuck yourself line. Tell him, go fuck, go fuck yourself. I mean, that was how bad his memory was. But my point is, listen, man, I enjoyed the wrestler because it lets you know what happens if you don't get your fucking life together. Then he has a fucking heart attack.

Then he finally meets a girl and then they tell him he can't wrestle anymore because he'll die and he fucking takes the last wrestling match and it's fucking great. It all works out for him. But just to see what his life is about now compared to what it was then, you know, like I'm trying to think of a band right now that won't. A lot of the bands that are on tour right now take quiet, right? Okay, let's talk about Rudy Sergeant quiet, right? Obviously that they're not the same quiet right from fucking 40 years ago. You know, but they're making it happen. I just got an email.

They're playing in Bergen County, April 2nd or something like that. I can't wait to see Rudy because last time they played, they played in violin. I'm scared to go to violin. They'll kill you down there. So I don't know what the fuck happened in violin. But no, I really enjoyed the fucking wrestler the last couple of weeks. And that's the reason I think I enjoyed it as much as I did because when I first saw the wrestler, I thought I was going to end up like that. And there's nothing wrong with ending up like that.

I mean, you know, it happens to the fucking best. But before anything, now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. I'm sorry to take that break from the podcast, but listen, I got to talk to you about better help. Sometimes you can fix that on a problem so long that you can't take the time to find the solution. It can be tough to train your brain to stay in problem-solving mode when facing with challenges of life. But when you learn how to find your solutions, there's no better feeling. And a therapist can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier for you to accomplish your goals. Listen, when I was stuck, I had to turn to therapy and guess what?

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You got to take care of your fucking coconut cocksuckers. Last week, school started. She's doing great in fucking school. It's great to see all the kids. Listen, man, I love this time of the year. Yesterday, I went out for a cup of coffee. I went out to my backyard to drink a cup of coffee and fucking leaves were everywhere. Leaves already.

I mean, it's a beautiful fall fucking. I'm just excited about this whole thing. And I'm excited about Saturday night. You know, I haven't been in a big venue in a long time. I did those shows with Bert and I didn't really know what I was doing. I did those two shows with Joe and I was fucking completely lost in Atlantic City. And I did a show with Tom Segura and I'll never forget that was the first time I was on stage in a while. When I got off stage with Tom Segura, I actually had to fucking sit down for 30 or 40 minutes

because I thought my head was going to fucking blow up. It was just overwhelming. So I was very happy that I got to do those eight or nine shows and Uncle Vinny's. I did a couple of spots at the stress factory. I did a couple of spots at Asbury Park and I got to be honest with you guys. I had a great time on stage was what I really wanted to do. I wanted to have fun again, you know, none of this shit is ever any good unless you have fun. And the last three or four years I was going on the road.

Yeah, I was bringing people I enjoyed like Dean and Kate and just Steve Simone and Lee. Excuse me, but I wasn't traveling in a big group. Like when I used to go on the road with Joe and Ari and Duncan, it was fucking fun. It was fun. You know, we would me and Duncan would go up to the roof at the hotel and smoke pot. Just a little stupid shit that we did. And for some reason, the last five or six years, seven years with the theaters and the numbers and shit, it just really wasn't fun anymore.

It wasn't. It was work and one of the greats Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy. Eddie Griffith once told me that fucking he got into comedy so he didn't have to work. And for years, whenever I would see Eddie, I would go, how are you doing? He's like, man, I'm not having a good time. These motherfuckers are making me work. And it's fun, you know, like when you make money, it's great to go out. But if you're not having a fucking tremendous time, it's it's and this is what I had to remind myself of these last four months,

weren't about me writing material or me trying to fucking write a one hour special. I'm not even looking for that anymore. I was looking just to go have comedy. Just go do comedy and laugh my ass off on stage while I'm doing it and not worry about Netflix and not worry about what's coming out of your fucking mouth because somebody's going to get offended and not worried about just stupid shit that has nothing to do with stand up. When you look at Judy Carter's stand up comedy book, it doesn't mention anything. What I was going through doing stand up the last five years, but it never also mentioned that stand up. You should be fucking having a blast.

You know, I stopped smoking dope before I went on stage. There was, you know, when I was from 2012 to 2013, I was eating fucking 18,000 milligrams and going on stage and forgetting my fucking material and laughing and giggling and just doing all this shit that was basic. But then when the numbers and the theaters and the agents and people started calling you, it just took it a lot. It took, it's not what I signed up for. You know, it's like when you go into the NFL, you know, these kids that play football when they're five and then when they're in high school, they play high school fucking football. Then they go to college and all they want to do is play football and then you get to the NFL and they got 9,000 fucking rules. And yes, you're getting paid millions of dollars a year and you enjoy playing football. So you'll fucking follow the rules.

Like, you know, when I did the longest show, you know, there were a couple of NFL players on there and they would tell me little things of what they had to do. Didn't sound like fucking fun. Like Brian Bosworth got fined because he wouldn't tuck his shirt in every week. That's my fucking paragraph. I want to touch my shirt. You don't even know what's going on. Maybe I took my shirt and my balls are too big and the shirt gets tangled in my underwear. You have no fucking idea, but if you're going to find me, you know, like all that shit, that's the shit I cannot deal with at all.

And with comedy, it started popping up more. You guys see it. People criticizing your material, people taping your fucking sets and taking them. It's not supposed to be that. It was just supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to go to your town. I'm like fucking Grand Funk Railroad. You know, I'm supposed to come to your town and party out with you motherfuckers, but it doesn't become that.

It's not even close to that. It's work and people don't go out there. There's too many people you can't, you know, so I was like, I'm done with this shit. And now I'm starting to have fucking fun again. Just basic fun. I don't want to fucking take. Listen, the comedy thing says a comedy show. It said nothing about a small photography fucking session.

You know what I'm saying? Like nobody said that. So for years, I'm like, if I got to go over there, I got to take a bunch of pictures. No more. I'm not doing it. It wasn't fun for me anymore. Fun for me was going on stage, cracking jokes and then finishing the show and going to the back and hanging out with my friends and the other comics and goofing. It wasn't going out there and I didn't like it no more.

Last weekend, I tried it. Last weekend on Uncle Vinny's, no pictures. I go right to the back. That's it. It's over. I just want to do comedy and everything else was wearing me the fuck down. It's over. This is all about having fun.

And I'm going to remind you again, this is all about having fun. And I forgot that I turned it into a fucking business and you have to at some point, you have to, but you always got to have a little bit of fun. Nothing is worth it if you're not going to have fun. Think about it. Even your job, you go to your job, not because you like your job, you go to your job because you enjoy the people you work with. You enjoy the people you work with. Maybe there's a nice Chinese restaurant up the corner. There's all these little things.

You wouldn't go to your fucking job if you weren't having a good time. That makes that job suck dick. That's why some kid hit me up this weekend on Patreon. I don't know. My boss quit. Quit. Listen, I got two favorite fucking lines. If you're walking on ice, you might as well dance and fucking, what's the other one I always say?

I was looking for a job when I found this motherfucker. So before I'm going to work here and get ulcers and get fucking, you know, what's that shit? What Brock Lesnar had, colitis and all that. Before you get all this shit, remember one thing. If you're not having fun, it's not going to fucking work. I got Stu Fine coming Saturday night. Lisa Yats doing a little Jewish spot up front. Ari Sheffield be there.

So I did that on purpose because I want to have fucking fun. Giggle, jump up and down. Laughing gas will be there giving out some fucking samples for you guys. I spoke to the Sony Hall people last week. They are fucking tremendous. They are as just as excited as I am. So there's what this week is about putting a couple of jokes together. You know, all those years with those specials, you have to worry about what you say.

I don't want to do that no more. I don't even know what I want to do. I don't even know when I go up there. That's the thing about me. I don't like doing the same set twice. So I don't know what I want to do. Now I got to work on this fucking one set and repeat it, vibrate them for the fucking special. That shit's done.

I'm done with all that shit. My goal from now till they put me in the fucking grave is to have fun. That's it. Like Cheryl Crow. All I want to do is have some fun. I'm sick and tired of going up there all tense. You can't do the material about the bit. Who gives a fuck?

Have a great time mother fuckers. It's Monday. It was a 20 year anniversary yesterday, 21 year. We're liberating. I'm here to remind you. We're Americans mother fucker. Do your thing. Live your life.

Remember we're number one. We don't fucking bow down for nobody. I'm a felon and I won't bow down for nobody as an American. That's what it means to be a fucking American. Stay black. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great Monday and I'll see you son of a bitches Wednesday the 14th tip top Magoo. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors Jack.

Are you bad motherfuckers? Thank you very much for listening today. It was a great little chit chat with you guys. I'm sorry about the 11. But anyway, the joint is brought to you by better help. Listen, sometimes you fix it on a problem for so long that you don't know how to find the solution. It could be tough to train your brain to stay in problem solving mode when you're faced with a challenge in life. But when you learn how to find your own solutions, there's no better feeling.

A therapist can help you accomplish your better problem solver making it easier to accomplish your goals. Listen, therapy is help right now. A lot of people are confused. I don't know what's going on. If you're having a hard time focusing whatever. I suggest you contact BetterHelp. They're an online therapy that offers video phone and chat therapy sessions. You can choose not to see anyone on camera if you like.

And it's much more affordable than in person therapy. And guess what else? It works. So do me a favor. Go to betterhelp.com right now. Pressing code Diaz and I'm going to get your 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can help you out.

So go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz to get 10% off your first month. The joint is also brought to you by DraftKings. Listen, opening week, you missed it, you're fucked up. It was action packed and we made a little fucking scuttle. Get ready for week two tonight with Denver against Seattle. The action starts this evening with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. This week, new customers can bet just $5 on any football game

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Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. And now, if nothing else is bothering you, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and go win some motherfucking money. I want to thank DraftKings and I want to thank BetterHelp, but I want to thank you guys for always supporting and watching the show. We'll be back Wednesday morning.

Tip Top Magoo. Have a great day and a great week.