Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #197 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Ari Shaffir to talk about his new Comedy Central Show: This is Not Happening Presents: This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 07/21/2014.

This show is sponsored by HuluPlus. HuluPlus lets you binge on thousands of fit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of HuluPlus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollshaveclub.com. Get high quality razor sentient door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollshaveclub.com slash church that's dollshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollshaveclub banner. This show is also sponsored by onit.com. Go there for alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech, immune, shroom tech, sport, go check out and see what they have. Mention codeword church or go to joeyds.net and click on the

on it banner and you're gonna get 10% off. And lastly, but not least, go to escapepodtank.com for your sensory deprivation techniques. They have a bunch of models for you. They'll set it up for you or like you can set it up yourself. Mention joeyds and get an additional $250 off. It's all about you, mother fucker. It's the fucking church, July 21st, 2014. The day the devil was told to get the fuck out of the room, mother fucker, with your fucking fucked up red suit on. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Are you kidding me or what? Get your shit together, wake up, paint your toes, scrub your pussy, wash your asshole, paint your fucking toning. I don't give a fuck what you gotta do. It's fucking Monday, Coxsuckers. The world is ready for you and they

ain't giving out no fucking free tickets. What the fuck, Lee? What's happening? Nothing. I'm getting all fucking excited here. It's Monday, July 21st to beautiful mother fucking day to be alive, Coxsuckers. What's happening, brother? This is the birthday boy. Oh yeah. 26 years old with the Vegas. We had a nice fucking week. Had a great week. Right after your show, they had like some sort of cover band or something, playing all those songs and now every time I listen to music, I'm like, and Steve Simone and I were talking about it. I wish I could play any kind of instrument. I just, why don't you fucking go? I did. I took a guitar lesson. My fingers are short. Go today, go today. My fingers are too short for guitar. I don't think my brain's fast enough for drums.

You're playing the skin flute every night. All right, good. You could play the fucking drums. I seen you move your little fucking hands. Look at you. You should learn something. You're a young guy. It'd be great. It'd be a lot of fun. You learn from your uncle Joey. I didn't do shit with my life. You know what I'm saying? He did something with your life. I always want to play an instrument too. I never had the balls. I went down and I played the bass in the fourth grade of some shit for a year. Bass would be funny. I tried violin and I tried guitar. Jews like the violins. They like the violins. Oh yeah, she would have loved it. I probably could have gone with it, but I was doing it in the first grade and I hated it. My friend, Jessica, when I taught me with

the book, she plays the violin. Really? Yeah. She plays the violin. That's a badass, bitch. What's happening, Lisa? What the fuck? I don't agree with you. 26. That's all you got for me, the fucking violin, cocksucker? How about I hit you in the head with that fucking thing 10 times and say, fuck, I'm not a violin. It's Monday, cocksucker. Sharpen your dicks. Somebody's got your fucking lunchbox. Somebody's got your lunch money in their fucking pocket and you're walking around. Hi, did you see Louie last week? Get the fuck out of here, you fucking cocksucker. It's fucking your week. Had a good time. Vegas is very nice. You forget how much fun you're having in Vegas and you don't need much. You know, like you don't need... I just realized how much I didn't like the strip.

Really? Oh, it's like Times Square and I hate Times Square. Yeah, I fucking hate it. At least I want to thank the South Point casino. I want to thank Ralphie May for turning me on to them, introducing me to Mike, the general manager. I went there about a year ago and did the dirty at 12.30 and it was great and he's told me he'd bring me back for a weekend and he brought me back for one night and it was a sold out show. Thank you for everybody who came out from the Vegas area. I love you, motherfuckers. You know, it was great. We flew in. Lee drove in. You know, I met Steve. I did a major junkie. I got to hang out with George. I got to hang out with my friend, Mario Arias, in the sixth grade. I did some TV show, Channel 13. We ate nice. You know, I had some nice fucking

eggs. Yeah. A nice piece of salmon and then after the fucking show, the gentleman's like, take it wherever you guys want. Sushi, steak, and Lee and the other guy are like, now let's go to steak and shake. Yeah. It wasn't fucking bad. The shake was delicious. Well, I was... Well, let's just be fair. I was probably top 10 high of me being high. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was like, well, I can still talk, but I was... Anti Dolores don't fuck around. No, I just had the frosting on the... 500 milligram brownie. Anti Dolores don't fuck around because we drank that milkshake. I went upstairs. I didn't even drink water before I went there, but I usually drink from... I fucking passed

out. So you think you were fucking high. I was three sheets to the winter. Oh, I know. I know you were... I was stone til they. G sections. G but they came on and they're like, where do you want to go to eat? I'm like, I have no idea. And I thought you were going to go to bed. And then we finally decided on that. And that milkshake was amazing. It was amazing. It was a really good time. That night Saturday, I left Vegas at 7 20 in the morning. Who leaves Vegas at 7 20? I had to be at the age of fucking six and there's my man right there. Yeah, I'm just trying to wake you up, cocksucker. We'll be waiting for you a little while.

Love you. And something happened, really weird, unsaid. I gotta talk to you guys about, it really fucked up me all day. First off, I wanna give my condolences to the Hashway family. One of my buddies, Glenn, Gary Hashway, died. I know.

Yeah, he died, he was like 58 and he was sick. You know, I've seen a lot of American short tragedies, you know, and one of the biggest tragedies in my lifetime was where I seen at Hashway's, you know, that family. I've been eating at Hashway's since 1975. They're one of the best top five delis I've ever been in in my life.

The roast beef with Swiss on-ride, with mayonnaise, salt and pepper. Yeah. Oh, my fucking god. A little piece of tomato, oh, my fucking god. You know, she used to make the fucking rolls. The turkey, fresh. Oh, the turkey, okay.

Every day. The turkey, the roast beef, everything fresh. Yeah, you said it was basically your lunch, like you didn't eat at the cafeteria. No, no, we ate there and I saw them grow in 84, which is 30 years ago. In September, the business died. There was a bunch of rumors.

The business didn't die, the business burnt down. We were across the street. We were at the bar across the street, and also in the fire engine showed up, and they were all fucking, you know, putting water on Hashway's and was sitting there. It was Glenn Gary, the mother and the father. They got there at six in the morning.

Let me tell you something. If you went in the morning, they didn't even make egg sandwiches. They make cream cheese on jelly on a Kaiser roll. Have you ever had that? No. That puts 29,000 pounds on you. Cream cheese and jelly on a Kaiser roll

with a fucking you. You know, we were talking the other day with Lee, that I used to go to North Bergen as a youngster in the sixth grade for breakfast in the fifth grade. I would walk from 22nd Street in New York Avenue in Union City to like 16th Street, 17th Street, and there was old, old, old Italian bakery there. This was before fucking sixth grade.

And I would walk in early in the morning, I got six. I'd walk in then, I'd get a loaf of fucking Italian bread, the hard shit with the flour still on it, and I get, I get a bag of zeppelis. And on the way home, I get a stick, a hotel bar brand butter, and I get a 64 ounce Coke, and I go home and eat the whole piece of bread

with the whole stick of butter and the whole bag of fucking zeppelis. That's how much of a fucking savage I was. But then after I got old, I would go to Hashways. And Hashways Gary was the guy who saved me the day my godfather was chasing me with a motorcycle and was gonna fucking kill me. And I ran through the thorn bushes,

there was a big rose petal, and I ran through them and had a thousand fucking thorns on me. I was bleeding from everywhere. Oh no. And I went into Hashways, and Mr. Hashway and Gary Hashway, who went out there with me and yelled at my godfather, I get the fuck out of there. And then, so I felt really bad.

So my condolences go to the family. I know they're having like a small memorial on Wednesday. I won't be able to make it, I'll be here, but, but something else happened. I woke up, so we did the show, right? And we went out, when we went to the room, I fell asleep. The next morning I got to wake up call at 5.30.

You know, I got up at five, whatever. The car was picking me up at 5.30. I got up at five, got ready, drank some coffee. I was already packed, I got the fuck out of there. But I went downstairs, the car was picking me up at 5.30. And I knew it was only a 15 minute ride to the airport. So I went downstairs about 5.25, and I gave the guy the bag.

And I go, let me just get a Seattle's coffee just to get the day started. And I got a coffee, and I was looking over at these tables. And I don't know, how many blackjack tables you can throw at that, maybe 10, 15. There was three tables of young kids. I mean, if I had a guess anywhere from 21 to about 26, 27, the oldest, you know,

there was nine or 10 of them. They all knew each other. They were playing on three different tables. Really? Oh wow. I'm looking at these guys, and they're laughing, they're giggling. I looked at all of them individually. They weren't not high on any drug, you know,

just by the look on their faces, and if they were really creepy. They had alcohol on their hand, but I could tell they weren't really intoxicated too much. Right, they just give up free drinks. They were a group of friends that went out and got drunk and got high. Or whatever day they play cards, you know.

It's six o'clock and they're giggling me. And do you remember when I called you? Yeah. You said to me, you coming home and I go, no, go take a hundred out and go get them. Well, you're 20, just go laugh and you get going. And I love, I've done that a bunch of times where you could, hopefully, I lost a couple hundred

just really quickly, but they have some good rules there. And if you go all, like if you start at like 10 or 11 o'clock at night, it's very easy to not even be down money and just be playing all night if you're playing like $15, $20 hands. I love that shit. I love, and then it's almost like being in a bar where you make friends,

because everyone's high-fiving, you got a blackjack. It's a lot of fun. You know, I'm looking at these bars and you're right. It is a lot of fun and they're giggling. In the middle of all that, man, I said to myself, I've never done that. Really? Never done that.

Like I've never hung out with friends in Vegas and cheered from my friends to gamble and just, just turned out and giggled like that. I'm looking at these guys and I was getting very envious. I was getting very jealous. Not like, not very jealous, but I got a little jealous. It was more on the envious side, but the most important thing I got was hurt.

Like I was very hurt. That's the first time like I've been hurt by life and I've always known it. I just didn't let it hurt me because I've done a lot of things, but there's a lot of things I haven't done. And the reason why I never did them was because I was too busy doing drugs.

The reason why I was never in a casino at 5.30 a.m. with a bunch of guys and three or four girls giggling and clapping and just drinking a gin and tonic and nursing it and just being yourself was because I could never do that. I always thought that was like fucking craziness. Like why would you want to be in Vegas if you wouldn't want to be in some room

with two other people doing blow hiding from fucking each other, you know? And that's what it all dawned on me. I was like, look at those guys, you know? Giggling, having a good time. They're probably gonna go upstairs. That dick's gonna work. They're gonna fuck the shit out of those young girls

and they're gonna go to bed and have a good time. They're gonna wake up in the morning, you know? They're gonna go eat breakfast and giggle. They're probably talking about Louis C.K. episode. They're probably talking about the new plan of the apes, you know? Whatever they're talking about, it doesn't matter. I never got to do those things

because I was always too busy upstairs doing drugs and I said, fucking sad, the 51. How many times I've been to fucking Vegas-ly? 30 fucking times. And I've never done that. I've never gotten a cigar and sat downstairs and just, you know, and I have. I can't lie to you guys, like, this time as I go back

and Rogan and those guys go out and I just walk around Mandalay Bay and play the Black Jacks, you know, to about one. But I mean, what those guys were doing, it was genuinely fun from the heart. There was no weed involved. Maybe they smoked a joint, but I could tell by their faces, nobody was creepy.

You know, when I was younger, I always thought I needed blow to bring me happiness. Like, from the age of 21, that was the worst thing about growing up in that, in that whole fucking era, you know? Even like Gary Hash when those guys, when I met Gary Hash, we were just decent people. We were just going along the 80s.

And all of a sudden, he was fucked up on blow. His brother was fucked up on blow. I was fucked up on blow. But the whole thing was like, and when I was growing up, you needed blow to have a good time. And then the addiction took over. And it was always blow induced. Like, I couldn't do anything unless,

okay, what are we gonna do in Vegas? We're gonna go to Vegas. I would have to hook up to Coke because I would hang out with you for a little while, Lee. And I would have to disappear at like 1130 when you weren't watching and go and play my fucking free game. But it's really sad that I'm 50 sometime

I missed all those years. I missed a lot of just genuine fun from your heart all those years. That's something that, you know, I have regrets I didn't join the service. I have regrets I didn't play college basketball. I couldn't, you know, I didn't have it together. But that regret burned me all fucking day.

Really? Yeah, that I wasted, I wasted, you know, fucking 27 years. Just doing blow, just because I didn't think it was cool and I didn't think I was cool just because whatever pain I was putting out. It's funny that the cards like triggered that. Like, I would never have imagined seeing people playing cards would trigger that with you.

Well, it wasn't the trigger, it wasn't the cards. It was the laughter. It was the fun with your friends. It was the whole camaraderie thing that, you know, I sold, I sold that part of my life to be in a room high paranoid, you know, fucking boozed up, you know, talking to some chick I could care less about getting into her pants and that poor girl,

God knows what's gonna happen there. You know, I never really had genuine fun like that. These kids are having genuine fun from their hearts. They were giggling, they were saying stupid shit to each other. I've never done that, man, you know. And it's funny, I bet if you asked them, they'd probably want to be up in the room with a girl.

I mean, I'm sure they were having fun at that point, but like, I've gone to Vegas with friends. Like the night, I stayed up one night for over 24 hours playing and I was with the friends who just wanted to walk around Vegas where I sleep by 11 o'clock. Like, I would be interested to know if all three tables knew each other

because I've been at a lot of tables at like 5 a.m. where like you're laughing and you're high five and it's completely to all the strangers. Yeah, it was just, it was just amazing that I didn't have a life till I got off that fucking powder. You know, and yesterday I answered I think 66 emails, it was a quiet week. And I had a couple of like addiction emails

and it just, it just. Well, you must have done something, right? Cause it's not like you don't have any friends when that period, you still have a lot of friends. That's not, you know, having the friends is not the point, Lee, it's the point that that friend, that laughter wasn't genuine, that good time wasn't genuine. I always needed something, you know, when I was,

when I was 18, 19 and we would go, you call me, what are we doing, I don't know. You want to go into the city yet? Did you talk to anybody? Yeah, I talked to Joe Gash, we're going to pick up Kway Lutz at eight. All right, now I should make a call, let's pick up a pack. You know, it was never just us two just going, huh?

Yeah. My relationships early on were all drug relationships, so nothing was done unless something was there for us. Something was there to snort, something was there to take. And it just said, it's fucking sad. And you know, I look at my life now, I look at all the things I did after I got clean. I did so many things, I had a career really on time,

I got married, I had a child, I cleaned up all my debt, I got rid of so many little things that I wanted to do for such a long time, but I couldn't do them until I could get off the drugs. And I get all these email addictions and all these problems, addiction, I'm gonna tell you something, man. If you're doing drugs today, you're listening to this podcast,

you're probably going, Joey, that's cause you're a fucking lop. I do coke and play blackjack all the time and have a good fucking time, you know what? Today, today you're doing that. But you know what? You're gonna keep doing blow and somewhere on the line, it's gonna get dark on you like it did for me, like it did for everybody else who does it.

My point today's podcast, if you're doing something right now, man, get fucking clean. You know, I'm an old fucking man. I tell you this a thousand times, I have regrets in my life and I joined the service and all this shit, but lately I've been really regretting the drugs, man. And I would never thought I'd say that to anybody.

Like I'm really, and I had a great time with them. I mugged hookers, you know, I fucking shot, kidnapped people, I had a great fucking time. But I really miss the essence. I miss the essence of what a good time is, what it is to just go out on your own wits and giggle. Have you had a good time like that since you've been off the drugs, do you think?

Yeah, I've had a lot of good times, yeah. Genuinely, like you went home and said, wow, you know, that was a good time. A couple of weeks I took the baby to the park and I'm gonna get in the car going. I could not, I wouldn't have met those people, wouldn't have been in a good mood to talk to those people if I was still on powder.

If I was still addicted to Coke, I'd be at this park with her. Yeah. But the underlying theme would be to get her home so I could go pick up a Coke rock. Wow. You know. How many times a day do you think about Coke?

Like, now? Yeah. Today? Yeah. None, none. Well, maybe not about doing it, but I'm like, how your life would have been. Sometimes when I'm driving and I'm gonna light a song,

come on, like let's say Golden Earring, the other day came on. I thought about a situation when we had a buddy of mine got stuck one day in traffic coming back from the city and that was a song that was on in his cassette and it got stuck. And you know, what the fuck, who has, you know, usually you think, oh, I was getting a blow job

buying the church to that in the eighth grade. No, me and a buddy of mine, the car, the cassette broke and that was the cassette that was in the fucking thing, you know? And I shake my head and go, everything with me is a fucking drug story. You know, it's like a one-trick fucking pony, everything with me, but it was such a big part of my life.

You know, when I tell people, I was a junkie, I look at you and they expect to see a junkie, a broken down guy. I was a junkie because emotionally I was done. I needed drugs to fuel my emotions every fucking day because I was in such pain. I didn't know this till recently. I didn't know I was walking around in pain till recently

because I could notice the difference that something, you know, last week I was walking around in physical pain, my knee hurt, my wrist hurt, somebody threw me on my shoulder, it hurt, fucking my shoulder hurt from yesterday. Somebody threw me on my shoulder. You know, I'm trying to do a back row.

I can't do a fucking back row. We can just roll backwards. Yeah, I can't do a back row. I can throw my feet up and I follow my toes with my look and I can do it halfway. And yesterday one of my buddies from John Jock just kept doing it with me, just for me to get the feeling, man, it does hurt.

It's a lot of weight on my shoulder. But the purpose of this fucking story was just to tell you, man, that in the back of your mind, just like in the back of my addicted mind at the time, I thought I was having a good time. You're really not having a good time, man. And you may be having a good time now,

but do me a favor, just get off it now while it's still a good fucking time. You know, I wish I, I don't, and let me get something straight. If I would have done coke till 1988, it would have been great. If I would have gone to prison, come out and never did coke again, it wouldn't have been so bad. That was what really fucked me up,

is that I came out of prison and continue to do it for another, you know, 12, 18 fucking years. So you don't wish you didn't stop before prison? Like I felt like the year before that. I should have stopped. I usually, I'm pretty good with all that shit. I get a fucking warning and I stop.

Life throws me something and I look at it as a message and I'm fucking done, I'm very good like that. This, I never got a message of. The pain was so much that I never got a message of. And once the pain set off and I got divorced and I went through that shit with my daughter and it just kicked open again, it was like kicking up in a fucking scab

and what the scab wasn't even healed. And I picked up that scab again and that's what fucking happened, so. Do you think if you're truly addicted to like a drug, if you don't hit rock bottom, is it possible to get off of it? Like I, do you think so? Yes, because someday you have to, there comes a day that you're gonna say,

I'm sick of this shit. I'm fucking sick of this shit. Isn't that rock bottom though? Well, rock bottom could be a lot of things. Rock bottom could be you spend all your money, your wife leaves you. Rock bottom could also be, you could be a fucking gazillionaire

and your wife doesn't know about your problem, but you're living in hell. I was rock bottom. I wasn't a gazillionaire, I didn't have any fucking money, but my wife knew but didn't know about my situation. Wasn't my wife at the time, she was my girlfriend. She knew and she didn't know about my situation, you know? I didn't hit rock bottom, but I hit rock bottom

physically and emotionally. Physically, I could feel the pain in my spine from the blow. It was, I was starting to get jolts from my central nervous system and my spine up by my neck. And I knew something was gonna happen. I knew that I was gonna die or get electrocuted on my own or something. But you know what, man?

Like I said, I didn't have, I wish I would have got off the blow August 15th of 1988. As soon as I got sent into prison, if I would have been smart enough, it would have sank in. And I let a lot of bad habits go, but I never let the main bad habit that was fucking me up the most.

I never let that go. And I felt the pain on Saturday. That's what I'm trying to fucking suck. I really felt the pain. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck. I felt the pain. I felt the pain a little bit on Saturday.

It bothered me and I thought about it all day and I was kind of down. And I just went to the wine saying I got back up. I went to the Y. I fucking ate a pot cookie. They got so kind cookies now. Remember the cookie that you fucking hate? Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know.

They're back. Oh, good Lord. So I went to the wheat store. They had one of those. I popped a quarter of those and I went to the Y. Did the epileptico. I hit the bag for a half hour. I rode the bike for 15 in the beginning and at the end.

I got the fuck out of it. Oh, shit. And then yesterday I was sitting there. I had to do a podcast at 12 for a friend of mine, Rafi. As far as who was that flapper, he's a comedian, really funny guy. I had to do a podcast with him. So I drove the girls to church and then I picked them up.

Okay. And then I said, you know what? I'm gonna go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu at one. The baby fell asleep at like 12, 35. I put my fucking knee pads on, put my knee pads on, I flew over there and it was packed. Really? The gym's always dead on Sundays.

The Jiu-Jitsu gym. Oh, no, I understand that. It was packed. There was probably 18 people over there ready to roll, but they all had no ghee. There was three people with a ghee. So I got to roll with them twice and one guy taught me a couple of half guard passes

and a couple of half guard fucking sweeps. And it was great. Like I said, man, every time I leave Jiu-Jitsu, it's like somebody gives me a thousand bucks because I know I overcame like a big fear I had. Like I take my little baby ass when somebody calls me. Yeah.

Pop them in. What's up, my little brother? What's up? I can't flip them. I don't know what, your hour? Yeah, you're flying back out to Montreal, my brother? Yeah, I'm going to there. I'm going to Tokyo show tonight.

So you got, you're up there for three weeks. Zari should feel on the line, by the way, for everybody who's wondering. Yeah. Everybody, mind your business. What was last weekend? The last weekend was The Dirty Show? Last thing was The Dirty Show was Slayton

and Patalo and Metzger and then... Did you say Slayton? Slayton, yeah. How was he? Slayton. Yes, all right, he's worried about his future. He's really worried. Did you torture him?

What am I supposed to do? Did you torture him a little bit? I started to torture him, but then he always started. He knows me right now. He's like, he's like, you know, I'm going to Tokyo. Like, uh, I try. I was like, you know, a little bit. If not, you're, you know, just a part of it.

I know now. I'm so good. All right, I still, you know what, he tried to friend me on Facebook. Me and Ralph, he was sitting here. Ralph, he fucking did the podcast and let the cat out of the bag on the podcast. How I used to torture him and shit.

And somebody else asked me about it. How I used to tell him I put it under his fucking milk container and he'd say, where the fuck is it? I don't know. It's under your milk container. Jesus Christ, my daughter stole it. And he thought.

Ha ha ha. The first time I went, it was so great. When you told him like, hey, are you, are you, are you in a lot of blow? We've got a package coming for him. He was friendly with me. He was extra. He looked at me all the way here.

He said, where are you going? I was nothing. I just got out some time ago and we, but, oh, are you going to meet him later? It's a different man. Calm down. You get so into it. Oh, he's a, he's a great guy, man.

Not the reason why I want to have you on today is because I've been in what's called the conundrum the last couple of months because you have, this is not happening now, but it's going from the internet to prime time TV on Connelly Central. Prime time TV. Yeah. 11 o'clock at night.

Prime fucking time, brother. This is a show that started for five bucks at the fucking improv back room on a Tuesday night. You're the first one. Thursday nights, me, Mark Marin. Remember, we all did that fucking one show over there. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve, Steve A.G. Yeah, we all, that's why I told the Pink Floyd thing, but it's so weird that it all started. And now it's on a television and you called me. I'm going to do one of the episodes in September at the cheetah. We're going back to the cheetah. And it's so weird.

Yeah. This, this writing, this writing fucking process has just been, I don't know, Ari, this has really changed me. Well, it's kind of fun to be like, just to sort of think about those things. Sometimes I don't even think about those times until I get a topic.

And then I start wondering what happened. I call my high school friends sometimes, they're like, hey, did I ever get into it? You know, wherever the topic is, I don't have anything happening on my memory. And they remind me of stories. I'm like, oh yeah. Oh yeah.

We start that toothbrush up our ass. That's right. Whatever it was. Just fun to relive those days and stuff. And it's so funny. Like whenever I do those things, I usually think about it, I make little notes. And then I make calls.

I'll try to call people who were around me at that time. And I go, remember that time? And they'll go, yeah. Didn't you fucking, whatever. Like I called my uncle. Because I wanted to get the whole funeral thing. You know, I called my uncle and we talked for like an hour and he was like, let me tell you something.

I fucking 74 years. I never saw a crazier funeral than your mother's. And that's what happened. He goes, do you remember the first night? And I go, no. And he goes, you don't remember the first night with Zahraida, how she had the fucking owner by the neck and three people had to break him apart.

And I go, oh my God. That's right. It was the opening night. All white people came to that one. That was the all white one. Like everybody from the neighborhood came. Their parents, the kids from the neighborhood. I was never so embarrassed in my life, Henry.

Because Zahraida didn't go up on the afternoon one. You know, they usually have a two to four viewing. Then they have a, you know, a four to seven or six to nine. A Cuban wake is 24 hours for five days. Because that's how you did them in the old country. You put the body in your house and people just came to your house. So this is fun.

Like Chesky, like a fucking dictator? Yeah, like in your living room. In the old days, when you died, there was no funeral parlors. They put you in a casket and they put you in the living room. And then people came over and they drank and they, and they, whatever they did, they pissed on you and they went fucking home.

No big deal. So they wanted to, he wanted to have that same Cuban feeling in this Cuban funeral parlour. It's called Rivera funeral parlour. Still in North Bergen. It's a different owner though. The guy made millions and got the fuck out of it. And I'll never forget that the first day

at the funeral man, not the two to four one, but the seven to nine, I'm a young kid. I'm still in shock that my mother died. I'm having a conversation with some kids about basketball. And all of a sudden I'm hearing in Spanish. Me cahue, coño, tumale, reputa, te guau matada, that means fuck your mother. I'm gonna kill you and shit.

And I go in the other room, this is a writer's got the fucking owner by the throat. And there's three people and she's pointing at him and she's yelling at him and I go, what's going on? And she told me that she, my mother didn't have the right dress on. And I remember thinking about that going,

who gives a fuck? She's dead. Do you think she's worried about what dress she's got? She's fucking dead, you know? But just, and I remember my uncle saying that there was a, they did like some santeria stuff the first day at the funeral. I didn't remember this either.

And he goes to the day they buried her, they still hadn't cleaned that water up. And that the water tipped over in the jar in the limousine. And at the limousine drive, I do remember that pulled over and couldn't drive because the water- Is there a santeria water still? Yeah, the santeria water had like chicken blood in it

and all this goat blood and shit that had killed all these animals. And it was in there mixed with feathers and shit and the fucking thing that you're supposed to throw in the hole with it. And the thing tipped over and the fucking limo smelled like ass. The limo driver had to pull over, he couldn't drive,

he kept puking. This was fucking the funeral from fucking the hell. People were drinking, people were doing blow. I remember the first time they ripped out like a bottle of pinch, because my mother drank pinch. So they ripped out a bottle of pinch, which is like a whiskey.

And the funeral parlor was like, guys, you cannot drink at my funeral parlor. You should be busy here. I would love my license. And they just looked at him like, you better get back in that fucking room, we're gonna drink. So all these things I got from my uncle.

I remembered the one night, that was the night that always stayed with me, but back to what we're talking about here. It's just amazing Ari, what you've done with us, because I don't worry about shit. I usually, when I write a joke, I write a joke and I put it out there and whether they like it or not, it's a joke to me.

And just by the sound of it, you know whether you're gonna keep it or not. This is something that we get to put out one time. We really get to practice. Exactly, one time pretty much and then you're done. And then you're done. You get to practice it a little bit, but not really, because people look at you,

we're like, we're at a county show. Why are you telling me about your dead fucking mother? You can work at a county show, but it gets weird sometimes. Yeah, I tried doing it the other night, people were like, where the fuck are we going with this shit, Joey? So I'm gonna have to have Leah tape me in the fucking here and we'll send it to you and see what you think.

But it's just really weird, Ari. Man, it's just, I like writing jokes. It's pretty cool, isn't it? We're starting off to play fucking 12 people in the audience and moving to TV. I'm cool. With no booze. It's funny, there was no booze in there.

You couldn't bring booze in. That room, the first two or three of them, we had no booze. And then after that, you put a name on it. Somebody showed up and you moved it to the big room and there was no looking back after that. Yeah, they were getting mad because the lineups were so good.

And they were like, why do you have fucking Joey Diaz and Bill Burr and Jim Jeffries in the little side room for $5? I'm like, I don't know, it's the room they gave me. You want to book suckers? It's just because you gave me a small room. I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, it was a big room, yeah.

When you write some of these stories, when you're thinking about some of these stories like your sex ones, do you fucking get fucked up for a few days like that? You did these things like I always do. Yeah, sometimes I just know it. I had trouble times with an ending, like figuring out how to tie it all together.

And there's no real beginning or ending to a story. I mean, even that funeral, it's like it doesn't begin at the funeral because you and your mom were close. It begins way before. So it's like, at what point do you start it? What point do you end it? It's been cool, I've been learning the process.

Even when watching other comics, still you learn a lot. You know, I've watched all the series. I've watched Rogan, I've watched Moshe Kashi, I've watched, I don't even know some of the fucking names, Comandji. And it's really interesting. It's really interesting the different styles of storytelling there are also.

You have to chase and believe in who you are. Yeah. But then, you know, other people, DJ or whoever, Sean Patton. Yeah, it's cool. It's like there's no right ways if you want to do it however. Do you go about it and write it the same way you write jokes?

Well, both of you either. Like the same process. When you sit down and write a joke, is it the same way you go and write a story? Because the point of it isn't to be funny, like in a way, so I don't know if it's a different process. Yeah, it's less. It's like, you know how Annie Hall is a comedy,

but it's not as many jokes as second Happy Gilmore. Okay. You know, so it's like it's slower. But yeah, so you don't think it's much more comedy because it's serious moments and that can be like, a good plot if it's just set up, you can't just punchline every five seconds. Set some stuff up.

But people will go with it. The first time I saw one really good was Ralphie May. I was working at Coverbooth in the OR, the comedy store. And it was just shitty night. Nobody's doing that well. And Ralphie May was on, he's on for like three minutes, four minutes. He goes, you know what?

You guys are not an A audience. You're not getting my A jokes. You're even going to be jokes. And then I started doing some story about the first time I met Sam Kinnison. I went some content with him, he was a 17 year old. And Kinnison was doing key bumps in front of him and the 17 year old, like what the fuck,

you didn't know what was happening. And man, I'll tell you, you can watch when I coverbooth, everybody was just on the edge of their seat. You know, like interested in what he was saying. It might not have been like as funny as Ralphie usually is, like punch, punch, punch, but man, it was interesting. You get everyone's attention in a certain way.

Kid, when Kid did that, that CD she did, it was all just a story about getting cancer and figuring that out. And she kept going like, oh, sorry, I'll get back to jokes. And the people in the audience were like, no, don't, this is fine. You like this.

Yeah, it's like a slower, more like, methodical way of being. It's a 3D. It's a 5D too. So Burr wants, I saw him like talking about something on stage and then he got to some people about his childhood. And he was like, yeah, me and John Smith and Bill, whatever, whatever.

We were driving down and it's other guy, Mike. Oh yeah. And he goes like, oh yeah, Mike, man. I hadn't thought that guy in like 20 years. And he remembers on stage and it's like, oh, it's fucking nice moments. So like that. It's very interesting to see the person live it.

See, you could tell a story. Anybody could tell a story. But right there where you're talking about Bill Burr, he got a moment where he lived it. Yeah, exactly. There's that story I told about the Bronx. There was a few minutes on stage. I didn't see an audience.

I got, I can't lie to you. I was on the street corner just telling a story. Like I lost the audience. I had, I was having so much fun. You know, when you tell a story and people, listen, let me tell you what the best thing about being a comic is when you relieve the pressure off yourself that they have to laugh.

Okay, sometimes a story, the story is funny. It becomes funny. The story is just funny. In the story, you'll find the comedy. But the best thing for a comic is when I come to you, Ari, and go, hey listen, this 10 minutes you gotta do, don't be funny. Watch what happens to a comedian.

It changes you. Yeah, and when they're not so addicted to it, plus comics are comics, so you're not gonna lose the crowd at any moment if you're not funny. Yes, when we're coming, listen, when you're a comic, the first eight or nine years, you're striving to be funny.

The first time I got on the belly room, and I did a stupid testicle test amount on the belly room. Oh yeah, I remember that. It was like, I remember it. I remember it. I did 39, I did three hours. Three hours? They got 38.

And I talked to 11 because every time I said, okay guys, I gotta go, they go, no, more. And we drank, and that's the night. You ever hear Rogan talk about, Joey, something happened to you, that you weren't very funny. And then all of a sudden you got fucking funny. That was the night when I realized

that you could take the pressure off yourself. There's a certain pressure. We don't know it's there as a comedian until you take it off. Yeah, when you let it go, there's a confidence that comes out. When you pull that switch, your life will change, Lee. It's like a tongue in the ass. It's like a chick that takes her tongue for the first time.

You don't even know that's done. A chick usually just sucks your dick, and licks your nuts, and then you jerk off, and she giggles, and she gets a towel, but then you meet a dirty fucking whore who's sucking that fucking helmet, and then licks your balls, and while she's licking your balls,

every fucking hair in your body is popped up. Your ass, and all of a sudden she takes that tongue and just wiggles it in your asshole and keeps jerking your awful... You've never had that feeling before in your life. You get dizzy, you get anxiety, you don't know what to do, and then you just fart, come, and it's all over. It's a new experience.

This is the new experience as a comedian. It really, and it's fun to explain, that's why I wanted you to call this morning, Ari, because there's a lot of comics that listen to this, and they're like, we don't know how you become a storyteller. This is it. Take the pressure off. Yeah, well, this thing is definitely got stories.

I never tell stories at parties, you know, at the time you and John fucking almost got thrown out of whatever, some Fenway, or something like that, and it's just like, how do you tell it? It's just how interesting you tell it. I'll be honest, they're just good speakers. They tell these stories already, if they get loose, if they get natural about it,

like you said, and don't worry about laughs, then it becomes sort of magical. Is it scary, the first like two minutes of it, when you're not getting laughs? Cause like, everyone's laughing like laughs per minute, and shit. Brutal! Yeah.

Yeah, I used to do it. Brutal, what? And I used to tell people that's like 30, 40 seconds, you don't get a laugh to go, I better make a funny face or something. Brutal, you have to keep pedaling and believing in your material. You have to keep believing in your story,

just believing your story, and then I love getting stoned before I go up there, but not stone stoned, like retarded stone. So I take away that fear, that little fear that you have. So once I'm up there, it's like anything else, that first minute is brutal. If you watch any of those things,

that first minute for me is brutal. But once I get a little flame, I'm off and running. Once I get a little flame, I'm off and running. And that's where it picks up. Like the fear gets out of the way, I don't give a fuck if you laugh. Yeah. If it gives you a couple laughs too, a couple laughs,

like cool, now I'm comfortable. Now you know. If they're giving audience and you get comfortable, like cool, it's gonna be fine. Now we're gonna bomb it, cause already into it. Once you tell a story, once you tell that story, and you eliminate the laughter, it takes the feeling of bombing,

it makes it less because you control that. Now you learn also that you control your laughter, that you control your audience. That's the other power about storytelling, that once they're not getting laughs and you're controlling them, oh my God. Oh my God, you're Fidel Castro, you're a president. That's a president.

I saw Dice, I saw Dice wants to do this at the OR too. And he goes on, it's when he wasn't smoking, but he was still chewing cigarettes, he was like putting his mouth. So he came up, he had to put his drink on the stool, and then he takes his, he didn't say a word, just takes his cigarette pack out and it taps it on the microphone a little bit.

And he like taps him down, and he takes his jacket off, and he picks up his drink from the stool, takes a drink, puts it back down, goes over to the microphone, goes test, goes, I make a lot of tests, all right, good. And he just keeps like, he didn't say just one word for about a minute and a half. And then he goes, see, I love these comics,

they get up here, they don't get a laugh for this long, they'd be terrified. They'd be in the corner shivering because me, nah, I know how this is gonna end. It's so pompous. It's so cocky. But he was right, they had him all laughing, as soon as he wanted to, they had him all laughing.

He was up to him, he was up to him. You know, wasn't up to us. How lucky were we to get to see dice come up every night? You know, I hear these comics and all, dice used to bump up for two hours and shit. Let me tell you something. I learned more in those two. It was like going to a college course

when you saw dice perform on Sunday nights and stuff. It really was. On Sunday nights, it would be someone's human rock and something, a daemon would all come down on a fucking Sunday night. It was running for no more money. You got in free the guy before nine. It was something, it was like, I can't even describe.

Yeah, I was hosting, I was hosting. I used to call him and tell him, please come down here. Cause fucking somebody's going to be there on the list and I want to bump them. So I would make dice. See, listen, I would get there at seven and I would host, I would hang out for the first show. Then the second show, I knew Don Barris

always wanted to host. So Chewie would come, I'd borrow a 20 or two. I'd pick up two packages of Coke. Dice would show up, Chris Rock would show up. I'd go there, I'd do my 10 minutes, bring dice up. I knew dice was going to do 40. I'd go out there and tell Don Barris done, you got it from here and I leave.

And they'd pay me 25 fucking bucks. But I got an education. I got the biggest fucking education. I remember one Sunday night, Andrew was up there and he was going off. He was going off. And there was these two Chinese guys in the front row and he just fucking went off out of them.

Like you chink fucks, da, da, da, da, da, da. You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you? He's talking about kung fu, the TV show. And afterward he goes, all right, don't worry about it. And he walks away, he goes, look at them. He goes, look at them, they're over there smiling. They're going to call their cousins on the phone tomorrow when I eat Chinese food.

I'm going to shit blood for three weeks. These fucking chinks, they'll do anything to your fucking food, they'll spit in your food. And they were laughing, they were fucking loving it. Just to see somebody of you making fun of them. And you're like, I can't wait to be able to do that. And then you go up and try it and it works. That's what dice was.

Dice was like going to jujitsu class. You learn something and then when you spar, you went and fucking did it. It was amazing. What I learned from him, Chris Rock, Richard Jenny, Damon Wayne. I learned from you while I was watching you. You and Paulie actually were the two most,

the two most like yourself on stage and off stage. Paulie. You know how everybody else is like, yeah, you and Paulie grew up, you know, he was doing it since he was fucking sick. Oh, that's right, that's right. So, yeah, it's not like he was good, but he was the most like himself.

You and him, the two of you, like you'd be talking to each other, either one of you backstage and then you go off stage, it's the same exact person. There's no like little bit stylized, the same exact person, because I'm on stage now. But, I don't know, let me finish my conversation up there. I would have watched you, you would look at that list.

You had to bring up, you would look at the list of the employees of who the next poppin' is, and you would fucking, fucking the coke days, and you would move your hands open and shut. It was like five fingers wide open and shut over and over again. Opening and shutting them, opening and shutting them,

and you would do whatever your bits are, pretending like you were looking at the list. See you next. You'd look at the list for 10 minutes while you were talking, opening and shutting your hand, and then you'd eventually just go, coming up next. I'm gonna ask the next person. That's all you would know.

Those open mics there were the most fun. People have no idea how much fun an open mic is. Listen, sometimes it's great to go see David Tao, it's great to go see Joe Rogan, it's great to go see Louis CK, you know? But sometimes guys, you know, you're not doing nothing on a Monday, it's a shitty baseball game, Tuesday night.

Go to your local fucking open mic. Smoke a joint in the car, go in, it's always cheap beers, always cheap, you know? I don't even think they have a two-drink minimum open mic, you know, you're going to- Do you need a cover charge either? There's no cover charge. Just go down there and watch a comic

and it's early developments. It's no different than what you people were doing in your whatever job you were fucking doing in the beginning. It's just comics, fucking awkward as fuck, you know? But it's the same reason why I've stuck it out with Jiu-Jitsu, I go to Jiu-Jitsu every day, Ari, to get beat up. Yesterday, I was on the bottom and half guard

the whole fucking day getting beat up. I couldn't sweep anybody. Finally, I pulled this purple belt though, you'll commit though, you got to give me some fucking sweeps on the bottom. But Ari, I keep going because of comedy. Because I know that someday it's going to come all together. And I'm going to sweep the motherfucker,

get on top of him and get him in an American and it's lights fucking out, you following me? Right now, it's just a dream. It's just a dream for me to sweep somebody, get on top of him, secure my position and get in the American. That's my dream. And eventually I'll hit it.

It may not be today, Ari, maybe in two fucking weeks. You'll nail it, you'll hit it. I'll nail it, just because I'll get pissed off, man. And this is it, this is comedy. This storytelling element that you've, you're about to blow up right now and I'm very thankful to you for doing this. This is a different element of our game

that nobody ever thought of. But as a young kid- It's all different, you got one liner, that's a part of it too, you got, you know. Brantz, you got improvise. You've got so many different styles of comedy, but one of them that, you know, a lot of times I go into a town

and a young comic will say, hey man, I listened to a podcast and I went on. And I get impressed. Those are the people that really make me feel like I'm doing my job because I wish I had somebody that I could listen to when I was getting in my first two years of stand up. You know, Tommy Easter, he was at the show.

Great kid, open mic, always sends me notes about what he's doing. That was me 20 years ago. I think the comic I leaped onto was Todd Jordan. I'd call him every day and go, Todd, you're not gonna believe this, what? What'd you do last night? Seven minutes, whoop the call HBO, you know?

But you're so fucking excited and I'm this, you know? So I want comics to know that at some point one night, close your eyes and go, I'm not gonna be funny tonight. I'm just gonna go up there and tell a story about my dog getting sick on the back of the fucking car on the way to Atlantic City. Tell the fucking story and it's believing it. Stick to your guns, don't worry about the laughter.

You know, if you've ever watched our friend, Greg Jackson, you know, Greg Jackson, I think it's Greg Jackson tell his fighters that he wants the audience to boo because that means you're doing your job. What's the audience like to boo? Like there's a lot of fighters that'll go in there and they'll just hold their position. They'll just sit there and get for range.

And he goes, he doesn't care if they boo. He doesn't care that that's what you're working your game. You believe in your game that much. Dana White don't like to hear that shit. Dana White don't want to hear that shit. But that means like Rashad Evans would say that, that he wanted you to do that because that means you were doing your job.

It's the same. Yeah, early comics can't do it, they're too insecure. They can't go 30 seconds, they can't do it. And I'm telling you, if you're a year and a half comic and you do this, that's the fastest way of getting funny because that was the launch for me. Somebody was telling me last week, wait to really get your cardio going is to get a heart thing,

to check your heart and go to your simplest rate when you get up out of bed. What your heart rate is at that point and lift your legs 30 times like a marching band type thing and then stop and don't do it again until you get your heart rate down to the bottom to where it was again. That's the same thing.

That's how you make your cardio get better. This is how you improve your comedy is by adding storytelling to your game, believing in your story that much that it's gonna lead them intrigued. And then you could still do five minutes of comedy at the end of your set. You're following, you still don't end like a shrub.

If you put it together- Yeah, now you can tell stuff. Now you could really fucking, you're following me. So it's a great exercise, Ari. I'm very proud that you don't 20 years from now people are gonna be sitting. I started storytelling after I watched that's not happening episode six with Ari

and fucking big J. Ocasin and fucking, that's what's gonna happen. That's my favorite part is that people get good clips out of it that you and Jay and whoever else rogan and TJ and Sean Patton and Sakura, they all get good clips out of it. They can like people enjoy a good comedy and a chance. I'm gonna tell you something.

I like that part. I hate watching myself. I definitely hate listening to myself. I hate taping myself. I'm not one of those people beside this longest yard thing that Adam Sandlin, those people sent me. I don't really have posters or pictures.

I'm like, look at it myself. There's only one thing in 24 years I'm very proud of that's on YouTube. I mean, I have some good stuff on YouTube but the most proudest is the second story. The one about my mother and the taxi cab because I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something.

And I know Rogan does it. I know Rogan has mentioned it and you guys know it. Every time I go on stage, I forget two or three good jokes. And if I do that three or four times, I forget the fucking joke till I find it in an old notebook.

That storyteller was the closest I ever got to what I wrote in my life. That was the closest I ever came except for a few faux pas with fucking Carrie and that. But let me tell you why through the Carrie line in it because that was the last thing I watched on TV and it was in my side key. So my stand up already knows to get something out

that I disagree with just to get it out. Like my body already knows it. They talk about muscle memory in my muscle. I know that if something is bothering me, I gotta get it on the stage. And I didn't think about that till a week later when you released, I go, why did I fucking say it on stage? Why would I stop the fucking story

to say fucking they're releasing Carrie on stage? Because it was in the back of my mind. That driving the 101, I was furious that they had remade fucking Carrie. That's how fucked up we are as comedians people. That's the first tape. Actually, that's the thing we did when we talked about it.

We were like finishing them, we were editing them. We didn't edit much, but if somebody just went off on some side thing and didn't go anywhere, it wasn't funny. They were talking about that one. They were like, oh, we gotta chop these down. I was like, why? Why?

They're for the internet. We're not gonna have them 30 seconds. So who cares if it's seven minutes or 15 minutes? And they're like, we can't do it. I'm like, why? And they're like, look, some parts don't involve the story. And they go, what about that part where George Diaz talks about Carrie?

That's not involved. We can just take that out. And I was like, no, that's the part that makes it breathe. That's the part where comedy is just fucking relaxing. Leave that part in. Leave it in. It was funny and it fucking slows everything down. So you're not in that fucking rush to get to,

you know, top it, top it, punch it, punch it, punch it. Just let it go, let it breathe. And they were like, all right. And that's what I like about them. The fucking, all the stories breathe, you know? It's a rush. So in the middle of my ranting, this fucking thing came out about Carrie

that had been burning my soul. I'm the 101, the last 20 fucking minutes. And that's how I know that this thing we do is real, Ari. That's when I realized after 24 fucking years that what I do is real. When I see something that bothers me on stage, if I think something's comical or, you know, me shitting in that cup three weeks ago,

I had to shit in the cup for the doctor. And here's the funny thing, they sent me a report back and they told me my shit was normal. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, it's not normal, it's in a cup. And they take it. But in a cup, it's normal, not bad.

I had to take like a little fucking stick and shit in the toilet, and then take the shit out of the stick and put it in this piece of paper and close it. The shit would work as the glue. And I had to do that three different shits in one fucking day. And I only took two big ones,

so I had to wait until like two in the morning. I pushed out this little shit, my intestinal almost fucking popped out and I had to scrape it and put it in. And I said to myself, wow, I sent those three pieces of shit. I never heard back from my doctor or none. About a week later, I get this thing from the U.S.,

you see a leg, oh, yo, here we go. I open it up and there it is. Your shit results are fucking normal. Your shit results are fucking strong in mine. So this Montreal this week, when did your show start? I should start tonight, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, at Clio Patrick's training strip club. That's what we got the idea to do at strip club

from this Montreal, when we did it at Montreal Comedy Festival. It put us in a strip club and I was worried about it. I thought they were doing it just because it was like, it was all sex stories. I thought, well, they were just trying to make it a scene, but now I got there, it was cool looking. I mean, you walk up these steps and these old pictures

of strippers that like faded and black and white, and you just start feeling more like a degenerate. And then when people get on stage and they tell their story, like you don't give a shit. However dark they get, you don't give a shit. I gotta be honest, man, I'm happy with the crowd to come. Now that the crowd know what it is, we did one in Brooklyn at Union Hall a month ago,

and D.C. Benny was telling some story about getting molested when he was little, and the crowd was roaring with laughter. There was no like, oh no, this is terrible. It's like, you could all tell. They were like, look, do you think cool is it now? So we're gonna laugh with you, you know? He was like, man, that was the greatest audience

I've ever done for that one of those things. Like, yeah, they're degenerates, they know the deal, and they're cool. So anyway, yeah, tonight through Thursday at midnight, the haha.com is gone if you're in Montreal. And then, yeah, that's it until we take them September 9th. And we're going from September 9th to gonna have the cheetah, right?

Two shows a night? At cheetahs, yeah, with the two shows, and then we're going to the 9th and the 15th. So do not Tuesday and then Monday after that. I'm available for both of them, Tarzan. So whatever you need, I'm showing up. One last question for y'all, you got another minute? Yeah, I let me say a date though, too.

I got a show in Brooklyn on August 21st at the Bell House. And if you go to my, it's on me doing an hour in New York. So it's the only hour I'm gonna do in New York. So come out, 15 bucks. I got to ask you, because I'm sitting with two of my best brothers here. You're both Jewish, you're both into Israel. You're both, yeah, no, no, it's not a bash Jew time.

You know, I don't play that shit. I got an email yet, I got a Twitter that Lee is here. Say hello, Lee. Hey, no, yeah. Okay, Lee read it. You know, and I was really upset about it. The guy was like, on Monday, you got to talk on the podcast

about what's going on over there. Let the world know what's going on over there. What the fuck is going on over there? Tell me what the fuck this guy was talking about. Does anybody know, or am I fucking retarded here? I don't know what he's talking about. Well, I don't know, Lee, just say it. Yeah, I don't know if it's the same for you, Ari,

but anyone who's mad like that is usually against Israel. And I don't know if they're pro-Palestine, but they're definitely anti-Israel. No, it goes both ways. It goes both ways. All religious Jews, they still know the same thing. They get mad, and they're like, they only see one side.

They only see one side. Well, yeah, it's kind of hard not to. I mean, yeah, it's close to segregation. It's close to the way it was in South Africa, but it's not the same. Because the only reason they're putting them, you know, at checkpoints, I guess, because they're smuggling guns at them.

But the only reason they stop ambulance is, they used to let ambulances go right through the checkpoint. So like, look, it's dangerous. Look, they're in the fucking Palestinian, start smuggling fucking bombs on an ambulance. And I was like, well, now I gotta fucking check these too. Yeah. Because I just go on.

The little kids who had no homes now, there's a little girl, a little six-year-old girl, I'm sure, somewhere in Palestine, Gaza, the West Bank, whose house was blown up. And she didn't do anything. She didn't do anything to anybody, but now she's got no home. But she didn't do anything.

You know, like, well, these Palestinian didn't, like, no, that's just one person who didn't do anything to anybody. And now she's fucked out of a home. But at the same time, I heard somebody say it like this, if one side just laid down their guns, they said, we're not gonna fight anymore. Do whatever you do, we're not gonna fight anymore.

If the Arabs did that, what would the Jews do? They'd probably stop fighting too. And if the Jews did that, what would the Arabs do? They'd wipe the Jews the fuck out. Yeah, I mean, and it's, because I just got one last night, I got some guy yelling at me saying, I was racist, he's not listening anymore.

It's- He's yelling at me. I'm like, dude, I'm not Israeli. I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you asking me to make coffee? I'm not Israeli. Well, I reached Sweden and I stand with Israel. The thing that got that guy mad was I retweeted something

that I stand with Israel or something. I obviously, there's people who aren't involved. It's just, there's terrorists, there's terrorists there and it's condensed. So it seems like a lot. Obviously, there's some people who don't deserve what's happening to them. Probably the majority of Palestinians are pretty nice.

But when you have terrorists who are hiding by schools, all terrorists do this, not just Palestine. They hide by schools, so if a bomb goes there, they blow up the school and they seem like assholes. But if Mexico or Canada or Cuba, like I was thinking about this the other day, people are like, well, Mexico is never gonna send a bomb. If Cuba was sending bombs at Miami 20, 30 times a day-

They lost 100 rockets in two days. They lost 100 rockets in two days. Yeah. So if- And they're like, hey, guys, you can't do it. You can't launch rockets into our country. Right. Every other country in the world will go into it.

America will go into it. And what Israel does is they send ground troops in and they fucking fleece with the place, like get out. We're bombing this building on this day. Please leave. Yeah. I try to get people a chance to get out. And obviously for me-

We don't do that. Yeah, I'm sure you are too. You lived there for a while. I was only there for six months. Obviously, when I came back, if this was going on, I would have been super racist on here against, just because you talk to people who like, had that shit happen to them with the bombs and stuff.

And since I've been back, I'm a little bit less anti-Palestinian. But it's just- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they don't have it easy, but it's like, it's both ways. They're fucking shit. They're just, they hate each other. Yeah.

That's what it comes down to. And you can't negotiate. And Israel's probably doing some shit. It's the last time that I realized. They say, let's say somebody invades another country or Texas and take over from Mexico or whatever. At some point, you make a peace treaty and say, all right, we'll give you this land,

and you give us this land, and we'll compromise. But what their deal is, they're commanded by God to wipe the Jews out. So how are you gonna compromise on that? How are you gonna make a peace treaty on that? Like, we'll give you this land, and it goes, well, we're still commanded by God to wipe you out.

So you can't negotiate that away. Right. And at- Different terms. Yeah. I mean, when you see like the propaganda, they're showing to like their six-year-olds about Jews drain the blood of Arabs to make our bread.

Like it's like- Oh yeah, but that's from the drums. Oh yeah. Yeah, and I don't know where the video is. I just remember watching it when I was there. But the thing that, I don't think enough people, I'm sure Israel's doing stuff. I'm sure the same thing that America does fucked up

during war with like the whatever that prison was in Afghanistan or Iraq. Yeah, they do, of course, because they're made to hate the enemy. Right. There's people who help each other and do shit like that. Yeah, so, I mean, Israel is doing some shit, but it's just, I don't know.

For me, if you're sending bombs, though, if anyone sent one bomb to America, it would be invading their country. So it's- Yeah, well, all Cuba did was a plant bomb. Yeah. It was a point one. And we haven't fucking talked for like 50 years.

When am I gonna see you, cocksucker? When am I gonna see you? I'll be there for a couple of days, I think. August, like August, like, four, shit, something like that, six. Yeah, I'm doing my colonoscopy, August 4th. There's no fucking podcast, August 4th, till nighttime. They're sticking a tube up my ass at 6 a.m.

Lee's driving me at six and my wife's picking me up at 10.30. Ari, I love you, cocksucker. Be safe. I love you, too. Thanks for coming on and playing. Thank you. See, I gave you the Jew minute, see? Nobody gives a Jew minute.

I didn't say a word. When two Israeli Jews are talking, fucking Gentiles, shut their fucking mouths, you understand me? If I'm telling you to fucking rule, cocksucker, when two Jews are talking, shut your fucking mouth. I love you, Ari. Have a great day. I love you, too.

Oh, my god. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Monday, July 21st, the world is yours. Let me give some shout outs to my main motherfuckers, Jeremy Turtle, Classen, Josh Costa, Alex Chavez, my main man, Rob Kulesh, Lady J, looking better than ever, Gomez and Escondido and Shabu Shib, whatever your fucking name is, right here,

I'm making it happen over here in the fucking church. I'm fucking stone. Yeah, me, too. I tell you, a little cheap, but you works out. Perfect. You had a lot more than I did. Sure, you know, if I do it, I don't fuck around. I wasn't gonna bring that up today,

because I got a, this guy was pissed at me. What? Who gives a fuck? Hey, listen, I gotta explore every fucking avenue here. This is the church of what's happening. I'm not here to be pissed at somebody, and most of all, I don't want somebody pissed at me or him. Let's leave, give his fucking point of view,

and if you people get pissed off, you know the motto here. If you can't take a joke, take a fucking taxi, cuck suck. And it's not an Arab thing, and it's not a Muslim thing, it's a terrorist thing, so, no, that's, someone call me racist, and I was like, what could I possibly have said that was racist? Like, maybe we talked about that. No, no, some people, you know, they wake up in the mornings

and they understand things wrong, because I fucking get it. Sometimes I get fucking, I take something the wrong way too, and I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You never know what somebody's thinking. You don't want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, get new mood from fucking on it. That's what, who's better than Uncle Joe?

Look at that transition. I come fucking prepared with two guns, bullets, and a fucking grenade in my asshole. That's how I show up, you understand me? On it, go to honit.com. This is the way to fucking do it. You people hit me up, oh, Joey, you're on fire too. You know why?

Because I started back on the offer brain on fucking Saturday. I'm back, bitches, dirty day fucking running. I'm gonna write some comedy, I'm gonna get the story down for Ari, this is not happening, I'm gonna lose some weight, I'm home the month of August, this is what I'm doing, what the fuck? I gotta go to Paducah, Kentucky to visit the family.

In August, I can't wait. My main man, I got some fucking dude. My main man in Paducah is trying to get me a night. There's a little comedy, you know what I'm saying? People drive down from Sinsi. I'll keep the prices low, we'll hang out, we'll smoke some dope, you know how we do it, motherfucker. Anyway, talking about honit,

how the fuck do we get on this shit? I don't know. Honit.com the best. This is not a vitamin, this is not a supplement, this is a complete different fucking level. Whether it's the alpha brain, whether it's the hemp force protein shake,

whether it's the new, the strong bone, whether it's the fucking shroom tech, which I took two of those off and I went then, I rolled yesterday and I got my ass kicked, try it out. They got kettle bells, they got ropes, they got fucking battle ropes, they got fucking things, you swing up in the air like a hula hoop, all that stuff, go there.

I don't care what you look at, make your life to be better, you want to fucking be sharp and fuck it. You know, I smoke dope like a motherfucker, my mind's always fucking going, always tripping. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. That's the alpha brain. Why fuck around?

Go to honit.com, go to Joey Dears, get 10% off your order, get signed in, get emails, get on the, stay on it program, do yourself a favor. This ain't for fucking pushovers. If you try the alpha brain, there's a 30 day money back guarantee. We don't even want the product. You don't do it one time only, all right?

Go to joeydears.net, get yourself a G-Patch. At the same time, go to honit, press in. Church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10% off your honit product. Again, what do I got to do here? What the fuck do we got to do here? I got to stand up and jump up and down people.

Listen, TV blows in the summer. It blows, it fucking blows. They put on the worst shit. Catch up on your television shows, catch up on movies, catch up on kid shows. Why fuck around? huluplus.com, they do not fuck around, leave. What are the shows they have?

My wife lives on Hulu Plus. I think she's watching House of Cards or some shit on that. Every week is something different. The other day she goes, you know what? Why are we messing around? The kids show that we like the fucking, it's on Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus is tremendous. 7.99 a month, you get kids shows, documentary shows, TV shows. You know, today, what is it, the daily show? They have the criterion collection, like a whole bunch of cool movies. Plus they got original programming, right? Yeah, oh yeah, they got a bunch of it.

I'm telling you right now, stop fucking around. Go to huluplus.com, why waste your time? 7.99 a month, $8 to get fucking PB every show, rocket watch it when you want, where you want it works on iPads, any fucking device that streams, there you fucking have it. You stick your fucking finger in a socket

and you're gonna stream on your palm in your hand. Hulu Plus or delivery, you understand me? Go to huluplus.com and press in. Joey. Joey in the box, huluplus.com and press what? Joey. In the box, 7.99 a month deal, but you're going Joey, that's the same I get from the commercial, yeah?

You don't get two weeks for free from the fucking commercial. Suck my dick and call me shorty, I was born in 1940. Bam, two weeks for free, not one week, not one day, two weeks, two weeks, two weeks, huluplus.com today. Go there right now, today, stop with this other shit, you're wasting your fucking time. You got a fucking device, iPad, Roku, Uku, Luku, you are television,

fucking it'll work for you, all right? Stop messing around, 7.99 a month, but what I'm gonna do is give you two weeks for free. When was the last time somebody lick your nuts for two weeks for free until you gave me a check? Bam, go to huluplus.com and press in. Joey. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, cocksucker?

You wanna look good? DollarShaveClub.com, your balls smell good, your assholes smells good, they got the wipes, what else they got? One more choice, they got the Dr. Culver Shave Butter, they got the pre fucking shave, but the most expensive, the most expensive one. I'm getting ahead of myself.

What's happening? But the best thing about the Dollar Shave program is, it's a dollar a month, that's right Joey, a dollar a month, six dollars a month, or how much? Nine dollars. Nine dollars a month, nine dollars a month, get your four raises, double blade raises, with the allo strip sent to your house, nice.

You look like fucking Bridget Bardot's pussy in 66. The six dollar plan gets your four raises sent to your house, double blades, tremendous, no allo strip, you rubbed it on in your own time, and the fucking, what dollar plan gets you one blade? It's two blades. What, extra shot? You could toast things apart and fucking cut the fat

off your toe, you know what I'm saying? You could stab a Puerto Rican with it, that's how they roll, over there at Dollar Shave Club. And the fucking handle's like a weapon, you get two of them, you tell me you lost them, and put a fucking chain in between, no handle's tremendous, every morning I shave with my Dollar Shave Club,

I get four of them sent to my house, tremendous raises, you don't get to stand online like some fucking mook at some place behind some guy that stinks like dick, you don't got to stand at 7-Eleven behind some guy that thinks his days are gonna be made, playing the fucking lot, you ever get behind one of those assholes, they go, oh yeah, let me get 609,

let me get a scratchy guy, you're a fucking stiff, it's not happening, not today, you got a better chance of jumping off a fucking bridge than eating by a shark that hit the fucking lottery, get the fuck out of here. Dollar Shave Club, $1, $6 or $9, correct? Correct. Deliver it straight to your house,

you don't have to leave the fucking house, go to Dollar Shave Club Box and joeyds.net, or go to dollarshaveclub.com and press in. Church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H in the box, and get your fucking raises sent to your house, starting today. Also, my main man, my main man,

escapepodtank.com for all your sensory deprivation needs. They got tremendous tank, just a tank model will give you $150 off. If you mention me, you got another deuce and a half off, they'll deliver it to your house, whether it's residential, commercial, whatever the fuck you wanna do, you want people coming over your house,

jumping up and down, whacking off in your tub, you get charged by the hour, you wanna jump in there yourself and scratch your nuts and sniff your fingers underwater, that's up to you too. Call my man on the 800 line, go to escapepodtank.com, escapepodtank.com, take a look at all their fucking tanks,

all the options they have, financing is available. You understand me? Mention the church, Joey Diaz, the flying Jew, he hates yams, whatever the fuck you wanna talk about, you get 250 dollars off. What the fuck you think you're dealing with here? Little Tony Bennett, he's up the mood here. What the fuck, Lee, you're slipping.

It's July 21st, Bruce Lee's been dead for 41 years. What the fuck have you done with your life, cocksucker? Wake up, go out there, stab a fucking, I don't know. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Sun somebody twice as smart as I do. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me.

When you were saying the Hulu ad, and you said you could plug your finger into a wall and watch it in your hand, I just kept thinking, well, why doesn't he have the wireless monitor? Why would he still have the plug-in monitor if it's on your hand? I'm gonna get this devil and shut him up, you fucking asshole, cocksucker. That's what brought you about you.

Andrew, I love you, cocksucker. This is a beautiful little devil's box. I'm gonna have this forever in my house. I'm gonna forget this shit. What's up, cocksucker? What are you gonna do the rest of the day? I got Steve Simone coming right after you, and then I got Texas Chainsaw Massacre one and two

with Rick Ramos tonight. Chainsaw Massacre one and two. What the fuck's he thinking? How am I gonna do with that fucking dude? He's gonna make you sit through horror, doesn't he know you don't like horror? You're gonna fucking cry. You're gonna call me 18 times papa.

Are they really scary? What do you think they doing that? Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I know it's gory, but I don't know what it is. It's fucking greasy, they're singing around, dancing to a ball, just jumping off the fucking table. You're gonna call me 18 times papa, come over. Hug me.

Did you hear from your dad yesterday? Yeah, he talked on the way home. How's he doing? He's doing great. And how's your mom? Everybody good in the family, brother? Yeah, yeah. You call him every day.

You call your mom every day, you tell her you love her. Yeah, talk to her a few times a week. 26 years ago yesterday, she was spitting out that little Jew monkey. She unleashed you on the fucking world. At 10, 20 p.m. Like biggie and fucking respect, you know what I'm saying? You bad motherfucker.

All right, everything's going good. You had a nice time in Vegas. I had a nice time with you with that. It was fun. That fucking John Belia was terrible, wasn't it? Oh, I didn't have it. Oh, it would taste like fucking dick. It didn't look like you liked it.

No, I took a shit, a three foot shit when I got it. It's hysterical. When I go on the road, I don't shit. I shit just the overflow. The overflow? Don't see overflow in my asshole and my gut. I shit out. When I get home, after I land, I mess around.

I talk to my wife, I play with the baby. That comes to a point where I take everything comes out and I just go straight in the shower. I don't take a shower for that. It's like that shit everywhere. My face, my fingers, my legs. Yeah, when you're telling that to Ari, I just imagined you kneeling down at your toilet

with a fucking stick and I was like, if there were only cameras in here. I did. I had to turn around with the fucking camera and I had to put the stick in the paper perfectly and I had to throw the stick away. And the funny thing was they sent me sticks and I lost them.

So I had to go to a Starbucks, one of those coffee places and steal those fucking stairs. Oh my God. Those wooden ones. You know how I roll, Doug. Never a dull moment. And you have the colonoscopy coming up? August 4th.

Are you worried about it? No. My dad says it's not that bad. No, it's not bad at all. I gotta just drink, what I'm gonna do is the week leading up to it, I'm really gonna fluid up my diet. I'm gonna just start by like just soup juicing

and juices and all that shit. Just a lot of juices. Maybe I'll lose some fucking weight. You never know. For seven days I'm just, and then leading up to it is Sunday. So I'm home all day. So you have to drink this white powdered chalk

and it cleans everything. The bubblegum all those years, bubblegum as I stuck up my fucking swallow. I'm gonna blow a big ballistic that can up my ass and that bubble blows up inside of me. I might not make it back from a fucking colonoscopy. God forbid, knock on wood. What the fuck?

We gotta do the church every day. We gotta keep the tradition going. We gotta keep some fucking balls in your ass. So we're talking which, I got pretty stoned yesterday. You know, I get stoned on the Lord's Day. I like it. You got it.

After jitsu and everything, I got pretty high last night before I went to bed. I was in the living room and Demi came in and Soup Bad came in and Harry came in and Allie was there and then Fidel came in. So here I am sitting in the living room with my five cats. And they're like three feet away from each other but they're all surrounding me.

They're waiting for me to make my move and they're gonna make that move. I turn the TV off and I'm just sitting there watching, you know? And I've realized the journey they've taken with me. You know, these cats were with me on a shredder. When we lived in a little room, you know, one room apartment,

our bedroom was a closet. We put a twin bed in the closet and we had my sleep apnea machine and a TV in there. Then we had the living room, we had the big, I mean, we were like white trash in this apartment. We were like Puerto Ricans, you know? But these cats were there with me, you know? And we always fed them,

even when I was my broker style, I always found time for fancy feast or the signs died or both. If I ate out, I'd bring them sushi, you know? I'd always get fish for them, you know? My cats eat shrimp. If I eat fucking like last night, I ate salmon. I eat three quarters, the rest of them goes to them.

You know, I love my cats. My cats are a part of me. My animals are a part of me, you know? When I get home now, I'm looking at the clock because every day Millie gets walking in the morning, you know, Millie the German Shepherd. Oh yeah.

And the Pippal. So I go over and I give Millie a hug. That's part of my week. That's my life. You know, I love my animals. They make me feel better about myself. I don't know why. We don't know why.

Nobody knows why you wanted to adopt a dog. I don't know. They're great. They're just great. Animals are fucking great. And they make you feel, you know? There's some mornings when I wake up and I wake up a little unsure about myself.

I'm a little insecure. You know, some days you just don't have it. You don't fucking have it every day, you know? But I tell you what, sometimes I stumb one to one. I take a piss. I brush my teeth, you know? I put the coffee on and I turn around. I'm still out of it.

But I look down and I almost kick one of the cats. I'm like, get the fuck out of the way. In the middle of all that, they're there to scream me. So I get on my hands and knees and I pet one. And rather one of them, when you pet one, the other one jumps on and on, and then the other one flips on his back because he wants more attention.

And right away I'm laughing. Yeah. Which means they gave me, they did something. They gave me an action, a reaction. You know, they love, you know, Harry doesn't like when you touch his stomach. So he'll let you touch it for like two minutes, then he gets pisses back before you go at you.

Yeah. And Harry's a fucking sweetheart. Yeah. And Harry has no mouths at all. He just doesn't like his stomach touch. And I was watching one of those Animal Planet shows. What's the part a cat doesn't like touched? And it's his belly.

They don't like being on their back too much when they fight. So I always thought it was behind their tail, you know? But I'm sitting there last night. This is a story a lot of people don't know about. I'm sitting there last night and it's just something. You know, I was telling Terry we're going back to see her parents.

I go, you know, Terry, I've lived my life. The fucking plane goes down, you get $250,000. See what I'm saying? That's the bottom line. That's the truth. That's life, guys. And I go, you know, your grandparents, I mean, your parents, if they fly here,

the plane goes down. You get 250, but mercy guys, we lose mercy. You know, I was just talking to them about flying, you know? And I was looking at that. And last night I was telling myself, what if, you know, 50, what if I passed in five years, you know, who would take care of my cats? Who would, like if something happened to me and Terry,

who would take care of the cat? Yeah, I'm concerned about mercy. But I also, all of those cats, that commitment, you know, when I was 15, before my mother died, that summer I got a dog. Yeah. His name was, I named him Crystal because I used to be into Crystal THC.

I used to do, it was just fucking gorilla biscuits. It's Angel Bust. So me and my friends would get high on the weekends on Crystal and all of a sudden I got this dog, he was white and he had like yellow spots. He was a mixed dog, just a mutt, you know? But he was a great dog. And I took him in and he was my first dog.

I made a lot of mistakes with him. I hit him with a newspaper because they told me to do, you know, and I put his nose in piss because they told me to do it. But I didn't enjoy doing it, but I was too stupid to not know, you know? When my mother died, I had to live with the benders, you know, I had to get rid of the dog.

And I tell you, man, until today, that fucking heaks me. And another story people don't know is after about two months after my mom died, I jumped a fence. I got so fucked up one night and the pain was so overbearing. Not only of my mother, but of giving that fucking dog away.

But I jumped the fence where he was living. The people would leave him out at night and I would jump the fence and play with him. And one night the lady came out and she invited me in and she goes, you're fucked up. You know, I was really drunk. You know, I reeked of alcohol. I probably had a lude in me and I was doing a little coke,

but that was the last piece of me. So when I looked at those cats yesterday, I was like, I hope that doesn't happen to them, you know? Because it's tough getting a home for older cats. The girls are too fat, you know? Nobody's gonna take them. But I know Damon will take Fidel out of respect. And I know you'll take Harry and Demi

because you can't take one of them. You gotta take the brothers, Johnson together. And then somebody who has a Coke prom or somebody who needs help should take Superbad because he helped me get off the coke. And let me tell you something, Superbad's a great fucking cat. And he's no fucking cat show winner, you know, by no means.

He's got a little head, his body's fucked up. Really? Yeah, he lost his frang, you know? But Superbad has magical fucking powers. I'm telling you, man, that cat is fucking magical. That cat... Listen, I saved his life and he saved my life. And I'm very, what's the word I'm looking for?

I owe him. Yeah. But in his mind, he owes me. Like we saved, that cat was dead on my bathroom floor. It was the saddest thing ever. And me and my wife fed him oatmeal cookies. That's the only thing he would eat. He didn't even have the power to get up.

So I give him water and he licked the water up my finger and I take an oatmeal cookie. And finally he started flipping around and they would pop his head up. And then one day he fully got up and he peed himself in the excitement. I had to wash him. And that cat, I'll tell you, I had a friend that was

into camera one day. He told me, he goes, cats are very appreciative. You don't know that, but they're very appreciative. They don't forget dick. They go into the bed and they write everything down. And I know Superbad, like out of all those cats, Superbad is the closest to me. Demi loves his mother.

Last night they were in the shower and I had to do something as I was leaving. I went in and Demi's with my wife all the time. And that baby, he's in the room with them. He's meow, meow. The baby chases him now. The baby tells him, get the fuck out of here. She doesn't say get the fuck out of here,

but I'm in her language. I'm sure she's telling him to get the fuck out of there. But I thought about those cats. I'm like, what would happen to those cats? And I gotta tell you something, I was fucking sad for five minutes because I wouldn't want them to get abused. I wouldn't want them to go to some home

and get killed, like some shelter. The girls, the girls are tough. I can't look Evie's mean. Nobody would take Evie, Evie's mean. They're mean, Evie's mean. She loves me and she loves Terry and she stays away from the baby, but she's just a different planet.

Gray, Gray, you could just, something happens to me, you just get Gray, put her on the stoop, and that's the Gray that takes care of herself. Gray's just in love now. Gray's my girl. You know, Gray sleeps with me. And in the middle of the night,

I just reach my hand down. Gray's in a little bun bun. She goes, meow. And she comes over and I grab her and I hold her and I pet her ears and I clean inside her ears and I clean her eyes for her and her nose gets wet. And then she sneezes and she sneezes on my face with a little fucking wet.

And then I kiss her and she fucking takes her off and I won't see her for two fucking days. So it's just amazing. The love that you get for your animals and how you gotta worry about them. You gotta look at them and go, who's gonna take care of them like me after I'm gone? So Lee, remember you got Harry and-

Yeah, oh no, fuck yeah. Harry and Demi move right in when you're right until the bedroom and they'll love you. Because if you separate those two, I separated one. I put one in one car and one in the other car. It was a fucking nightmare. Oh no.

All was a nightmare. Harry loves Demi. Harry loves his brother. Even though he bites him and they fight and they can attack each other. He loves his fucking brother. It's amazing. I've learned a lot from those goddamn cats, you know?

So. That's funny. No, but I don't think, I mean, no. I don't think it's gonna happen hopefully. No, it's not gonna happen. But you always gotta think. You gotta always think of the dark side, the other side, Lee.

If you don't, you're foolish. Just for two seconds. Just to see how it makes you feel, you know? And that's it, motherfuckers. What else you want? You staring at me going, Joey, what? You just broke my heart with this. No, it's the truth.

You gotta think of the other side of your wants to want. Just every once in a while, think of the other side for two minutes. See how you feel and move yourself back and what you can do to take that feeling away. Yeah. You know, what can I do? I just asked Lee to take super bad

and fucking Demi or something happening. So that's it. That's all I got for you. That's all you got. How about you? Everything good? Your birthday good? It's great to be 26.

I got drunk for the first time in like a year and a half for this one. And you had sex, look, you all depleted. It was a happy birthday. And you fucking had a good time from Vegas. You make good rides on proudly. Yeah, it was fun. It was a blast.

And this week, you gonna go to the gym how many times? I don't, I took the day off yesterday. So probably, I would hopefully at least five or six times. And you went Saturday? No, fuck. Holy shit. I was gonna go remember, I brought my bag to the party like,

why go to the gym? I have some lunch and I was like, all right. No, we get to Vegas. I call him up because I was getting dressed to go to the gym. I go, Jim, you're in fucking Vegas. He shows up at the Jambalaya joint with this bag. Like he's fucking trail son. He's in the gym, he's showing up with a bag.

Like he's got fucking syringes in there and fucking scales and whatnot. I go, what's in there? He goes, I got my, my, my fucking sneakers, whatever the fuck. And I said, what are you gonna go to the gym? You're in Vegas. Go get your dick sucked, lose some.

Go play some fucking games. Sure enough, everyone played blood. We both went. He's the kiss of debt. I had the fucking machine by $10 and all of a sudden he sat next to me. Well, you told me to play. He's like a fucking Chinese dude.

You're the one in money. And Chuck Kennedy's uncle stands behind you. You lose a bunch of fucking money. Don't let Chinese people stand behind you and don't let Jews sit next to you. On the, on the, what were we playing? Oh, you were playing video poker. That's right, video poker.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. You know that? No, I have no idea. I was watching you. I was like, what is, oh, I just learned myself. Anyway, I love you cocksuckers. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday, rocking the house

nine o'clock at night. Maybe I'll let you guys know. I love you guys. Joeydears.net for all your tour dates, ski patches, t-shirts, mugs, fucking whatever the fuck you need, go there. I love you guys. Have a great day and thank you very much

for listening to that. All right, stay safe, stay black. And most important, stay beautiful cocksuckers. Do you have any, any dates? I got, I got Pioneer, Underground, and Reno. Get your shit together. And next Wednesday, a very special live podcast at the Ice House, eight o'clock, July the 30th,

cocksuckers, be there or be fucking square. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. Wait, more enthusiastic, Hulu Plus cocksuckers. I'm very enthusiastic. They got deals, they got this, they got that. They let you binge on thousands of hit shows,

anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey, or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com, get high quality razor sensor door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church,

or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shape club banner. Also go to onit.com, get all of your optimization things, like the supplements and all the everything they have there, mention church and get 10% off. And go to escapepodtank.com for your sensory deprivation techniques. Mention that you heard about them on the church,

and they'll give you an additional 250, y'all. MUSIC You sit right through these darkened eyes. You know you have to learn the execution of your mind. You really have to learn. The crisis run, the book is read, the end begins, we'll show The truth is out, the lies are old, but you don't want to know

Nobody will ever let you know When you ask the reasons why They just tell you that you're on your own Fill your head up full of lies The people who have crippled you, you want to see them burn The gates of life are closed on you, and there's no return You're wishing that the hands of blue could take your mind away And you don't care if you don't see the light of day

Nobody will ever let you know When you ask the reasons why They just tell you that you're on your own Fill your head up full of lies You missed it I Where can you run to? What more can you do? No more tomorrow, life is killing you

Dreams turn to nightmares, heaven turns to hell It's out of confusion, nothing more to tell you Everything around you, what's it coming to? Good knows there's your death knows, but last all of you Stop the bloody sabbath, nothing more to do Living just for dying, dying just for you Living just for dying