Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #198 - Joey Diaz, Christina Pazsitzky and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 24, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Christina Pazsitzky in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/23/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks martyr with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French Toast granola. Support this podcast and get half off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code JOE, that's naturebox.com promo code JOE, and the show is also sponsored by audit.com. Go there to get alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport, anything

like that. Use code word CHURCH to get 10% off of your order. And lastly, go to naileditlife.com for all of you oil and wax smokers out there for the premiere vapor pan on the market. Mention JOE Diaz and get 20% off of your first order. 20? Oh shit, Wednesday night special edition, like a motherfucker, the church cocksuckers. What?

What? Wednesday night, wash that muffler, tell mama to suck your dick, it's going down the church's late night, tell the devil he could fucking eat my ass. What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What's up you bad motherfuckers, Wednesday night, the church of what's happened now, it's like 2000 fucking degrees in Los Angeles except you are here, my girl Christine's in the house, my main man, the flying fucking heave of debt, Lisa Yat, slinging dick and giving out fucking

Yamakas, you understand me? What's up you bad motherfuckers? Nothing, I feel great. I told you, that was a good rap. I had an edible today. I know, we both had an edible. And then melted in the fucking car, so I had my wife put it back in the freezer. You know what I mean, I'm half a Puerto Rican, I came back, I gave Lee half of it, and we're

really a fucking one. But we have a beautiful guest tonight, episode number 198, my main fucking beauty queen, Christine Pazinski. Thank you. Do you know what I said in the last name correctly? Well, Christina Pazinski. Christina Pazinski. You did it, it's close enough.

What the fuck? Listen, you're fucking Joey Diaz. What the fuck? What the fuck? You're Christina. Christina, yeah. But you're perfect as you are. Your mother sucks your cocks.

Is that what you said in the run? I don't even know. You're inspired. That smells like a dead cock. Yeah. What? What, Lisa? Yeah, fucking.

You don't smoke dope, right? No, I do, but I don't, I can't smoke socially. I get very weird, I get in my head. I like to smoke alone, and then I go on a vision quest, and I think about life. I write jokes. I'm an alone smoker. I also drink alone. I heard that's not good.

Do you drink alone? Yeah. When I used to, I used to love to snorkele alone and look at a window and jerk off. Take a shit and look at it for 10 minutes, and you're like, well, I ate the last three days and break it down. You looked out the window. Did it make you like paranoid? Yeah, but it was weird.

The path was very different. You know, cocaine is like anything else. It tricks you at first. You have a good time. Your dick works. Everybody's happy. Yeah. You do that shit for a couple of years, and it turns into something else.

Like everything else. You know, heroin and weed. Everything could get dark on you. Too much anything. Right. It's not good for even subway sandwich. You know what I mean? We have five, six subs a fucking week.

You know, God knows what will come out of your ass. When's your wife's business? It smells. That's a road dump. When you're on the road, do you eat a lot of subway? No, I used to. When I used to drive, when I used to drive all over this great country of ours, I used to eat a lot of subway.

Veggie and cheese. Really? That's my all time favorite. Veggie and cheese. Yeah. With a veggie patty or just the vegetables? No, no, no, fuck the veggie patty. The patty's so gross.

Yeah. Fuck that, yeah. Piece of cheese and throw some lettuce into it. Like a border. Listen. I like a fucking cheese sandwich. Ain't nothing wrong with a couple pieces of fucking American cheese on white with some mayonnaise.

Okay. At 12.30 when you come in with a glass iced tea with ice cubes, come on now. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice that wants, oh, let's go to the burger king. No, bitch. Go to your house. Little salami and American cheese on white. I can't take it.

I don't know if I can survive. With a fucking mustard. With some fucking iced tea with your feet up, scratching your nuts, sniffing your fingers, eating that sandwich at the same time. At the same time? You ever eat a sandwich and scratch your fucking nuts? I must have. That's the shit that kings do.

You understand me? Fucking kings, presidents, whatever the fuck you call them, dictators, cult leaders. They sit there and they eat and they scratch their nuts. That's power. Any fucking body that have some limo to drive you somewhere. Let me see you fucking eat and fucking scratch your nuts at the same time. This is unbelievable. You know, I love you so much, Joey.

I love you too. You know, Tom Segura, my husband and I, we have Joey-isms around the house. Just so you know, you live in our home all the time. Number one, we don't call quinoa quinoa. We call it quinau. Quinau. As Joey Diaz pronounces it in our home. Quinau.

Am I saying it right? I don't even know. It's quinoa, I think. Quinoa. It's quinau in our home thanks to Joey Diaz. Do you like quinau? Do you ever? I think I've eaten it one time on a plane by mistake.

Like, I was stoned. Yes. And they gave it to me on Virgin. Because Virgin Americans do shit like that. It's a good one. It's a good airline. They give you quinau and shit like that. Yeah.

And whatever the fuck it is. So, one of the best times I had this year was honest to God. And there's a tape that I didn't see for months on it where Tommy goes on Joe's show and he tells him about this plane ride we took in the Burbank airport. And let me tell you something, man, sometimes I get dark. Like, there's some days I wake up and I see something I don't like. And I'm in my head, you don't fucking see it. But I'm in my head and I'm thinking of murdering people and stabbing them.

And then I'm standing next to you and I'll be narrating what's going on in my head. And I'll see things. And I was saying some stuff to your husband. I can see in his face. He was a little bit fucking scared. Like, he was like, what the fuck did I get myself into? And I know the incident in question. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's another joyism in our home is whenever somebody gives you an edible, you get like a fraction of it. And he learned that lesson on that flight with you. Wasn't that the trip you guys flew in and out together? Like on the way back, you were sitting on the same plane too? No, we had to work together. So we had four flights. Oh, I thought that was when you guys met on a different flight because you like you

ran into him once. Right. A little while after I ran into him and he was going to Milwaukee and I was going to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We were both catching connecting flights and I bumped into him. I gave him an edible. Then the second time we flew together and that thought we flew on Southwest. We had to go to Oregon and on that flight we were fucking gone.

Like I must have gotten three anxiety attacks. I just got closed in my eyes and listened to Michael Shrankman. The fucking first album. Well, that's what I was going to ask you about the anxiety attack because I have a running level of anxiety being a comedian and not knowing the future for employment. You know, it's like an ongoing thing. And I was wondering that about you. So is your inner stuff all day anxiety and weird stuff and stabbing people?

Does the pot help you with that? Or does it distract you from your normal thoughts? Tonight is the first time we've smoked in a long time here. Yeah. I just, I didn't eat a lot of edibles this week. I didn't eat edibles and I just started smoking again. One hit here. I put a pipe outside the house now.

So when I sit in front of the fucking computer, I just keep loading that motherfucking going. Right. I can't do that. So when I get up now, no more smoking in the morning. Like I used to get up and get high. No, no, no, no. So I just go now to about one or two. And after I finished jiu-jitsu or whatever my mornings things are, then I'll smoke two

hits on the balcony just to get the party started in my head. Right. And then at that time I was going through anxiety because I was on testosterone. Oh. And I was, something was going on with me where I would run out of oxygen and I would take the anxiety out. So I said, I want to put a seatbelt on. And I would not breathe.

I would not breathe. And then that backup of air would give me stress. So I went to see a hyper, whatever the fuck you call them. Some people that fixed your head and she hypnotized me and said that whenever I feel that coming on, just tell myself I'm in my skin and I'm in the arm, the serenity and stuff like that. Now I don't have that. I do breathing exercise in the morning. That's great.

With like a monitor and like I told you with the heart rate monitor. I've been doing them for a while without the monitor. So I, you know, I still get it. Yeah. I have it too. The first time I go to Jiu Jitsu when I get, when I start hitting the bag, when I got in the epileptical, there's a point where something happens and I get the skunk sweat that comes out of me.

It's the first reaction to your body's working out and I go into a panic mode. I can feel it. I go into panic mode. My body doesn't know what to do for a couple of minutes. It's a transition. And I can smell the sweat and it's an, it covers. It's like humidity. It covers every part of my body.

I can feel it everywhere. And after I pass a certain point, boom, it goes away. But for those 30 seconds, it's gone. You're going to have a heart attack. What if you die? You can't do it. I should never see your daughter again. It's all these negative thoughts shooting in my head.

Machine gunning. Machine gunning. If you get out of there, don't do it. It's the same things that happened to me before. I go on stage sometimes. It's like a reverse thing where everything just comes on and tells you you're a loser. You know, you're not going to do it. You're not going to hate you.

You know, there's been, I was telling Dom Herrera at the ice house that that day at five o'clock I was thinking of calling the ice house. I caught myself thinking about calling the ice house and going, I'm done. And I knew that if I canceled, I'd have to quit comedy. Like I was in that deep in my head, ladies and gentlemen. This is three fucking weeks ago. Three fucking weeks ago, I'm sitting on my couch on a Friday thinking about why the fuck did I take this weekend at the ice house with Dom Herrera?

If I cancel this, I'm going to have to quit fucking comedy because it's going to get out that I canceled at five o'clock. I pulled the Mitch Hedberg and Baltimore. He canceled at five o'clock on a Friday and shit. He canceled the whole fucking weekend, like a month before he died. A lot of people don't remember that. I didn't know that. He had problems with scrambling to fill the spot.

Five o'clock. You got three hours to fucking eight o'clock. This is where you get, ladies and gentlemen, when you're at comics and times, you know, I bet fucking what's his name, Bacon doesn't get that. You know, he's perfect. Well, I actually wanted to talk to you guys about it. It's funny you bring it up. Like yesterday, for some reason, I had, because I'm getting health insurance and it's going

to cost me about 300 a month. And I had like this panic attack for almost the entire day. Because you had to spend fucking 300 a month and the Jewism came out. Not just that. And trust me, guys, I bet if you went and all the podcast producers, I'd probably make more than most because a lot of people do it for like 25 a show, something like that. So I'm doing fine. But it's, it's not the money I could make if I was in an office or back working on TV.

So it's not the money I'm making here isn't enough. But it's just when I got that $300 a month bill. And then like, how, how do you guys, especially when before you were headlining and actually making enough money, like how, like, how did you eight thousand times not just quit? Oh, like, it's just, it was the entire day. It was the entire day yesterday. And I got home from a podcast late and I was like, oh, it's going to be okay. I have Steve Simone CD and other stuff.

But it's like, I don't know how when you're making $15 a set, how you, how you look, you survive that. I'll tell you how. Look, everyone talks shit about drugs and alcohol. Sometimes they're a good thing. And absolutely. There are sometimes, you know, 2008 Tom and I got married and we were living in a one bedroom apartment in Koreatown.

We were just barely feature acts. I mean, we had no money. But you know what we did? We had enough money to go to Trader Joe's every night and buy good food and drink good wine. And we sat around and we ate a prosciutto and cheese and got fat and made pecan pies, you know, every night. But that's something for a span of your time.

That's just the shit you got to do because you know you're going to get there. Yeah. And I'm like, like I said, I'm doing, like it's not going to be homeless or anything. But I started dating this girl and she's talking about how much money she's going to make in a couple of years because she's going to be a lawyer. And she didn't even say it to be mean to me. But I was just thinking like, God, a year ago I was making such and such. And now I'm making this and I'm a thousand times happier.

But like for all day, I was like, I'm going to send out job applications. I'll do the podcast in the morning again. And I just, and I can't imagine making $15 at the comedy store. We've all heard a lot of your stories, Joey, but it's just like, how did you, because when you were making money at like a car dealership, I'm surprised they took you until when we, right before we met to start thinking about doing that. How did you, how do you feel in the second of the month? Me?

Tell the audience how you feel in the second of the month when you're a feature act. Oh my God. And they don't book features until a week or two before. Yeah. So it takes this courage. Yeah. Is it a courage? Balls, courage, lunacy, almost it's risk taking to the point of, of insanity.

Like you're, you're just, but think of the alternative is worse. The alternative is I go back to law school. I dropped out of law school after two weeks to be a comic. Wow. So the alternative is I've been fired from 22 jobs. I was fired from or quit 22 jobs in four years before I became a comedian. I didn't have any other options. I fucking blew them all dude.

This is it. What else? What's Joey Diaz going to do for a living besides be a comedian or an actor? Like seriously, like our digital footprint now, you can't fucking go work in an office. People, you know, hearing you say all this crazy shit on podcasts and your albums, no way. This is it. It's amazing how you feel on the second of the month. He's back to the second.

Tell me, tell me. It's just the scariest fucking thing. Cause you just made rent. You just made rent. Yeah. You probably have three or four, maybe $100 gigs that you have to drive on the books. Your rent is 350. You have to pay, let's say 500 miscellaneous grocery.

In my case, I had child support, a coke habit, you know. So I cut out the building. I would live on people's couches so I could snuck coke. I gave up my privacy to snuck coke. But back to that question, how you feel in the second, you have to wake up. It's just amazing how you think of your bills and you get scared. Yeah. For about six minutes.

Yeah. You get scared and you, and you tell yourself, okay, so I could borrow. I got my mom, I got my uncle Tony, this guy, let me money. It'll be okay. But then something, any normal human being would go, you know what? I'm going to go look for a job. That's the question. When you say that to yourself, I'm going to go look for a job.

What do you tell yourself to make yourself believe that this month is going to pan out? What did you use to tell yourself? What would you tell yourself on the fucking eighth when you just got to fuck? Listen, people, this is what you don't understand. We have a budget as a comedian. We have a set budget. If you have a flat and you got to buy a tire for $79, that goes your fucking budget. You're done.

It's like an American family today. An American family has two children. Okay. I don't know what the cost is of raising two children, but the average, what's the average American fucking household income for us, for poor people? Maybe 60, 70, two fucking parents that have high school educations. What do they make? And this is probably not even that much.

Okay. Maybe it's 50 between both of them. They're working at least 50 and overtime and the man's got to be working overtime. You might have to drive a limo on Saturday and then fucking paint the house on Sunday. And the wife has to take care of two kids and have a fucking job. You know, I'm like blocked as a Mexican daycare, which means that we don't close. Yeah. We don't close.

There's times I'm fucking coming home at one from a gig and I see a fucking mom in a car in a Mexican veneer van, breed up, and I see the dad with two girls walking out of a fucking apartment building at one in the morning. What do you think I feel like? What do you think it feels like for him to have to drive home now? You got to assume the guy probably lives an hour away, 40, 30 minutes away. It's 130. I'm going to get home and put the girls down.

Got to do it all over again tomorrow morning. Drop these fucking kids off again. Probably like six. What's daycare? What's fucking daycare cost all day? A fortune. I mean, guys, you can't, but back to this thing. What do you tell yourself as a comic?

I would think of my bills and for a minute I would go, well, maybe I'll sell Coke. I can always rob this guy, but then somebody come and listen to yourself, Joey. It's going to be fine. And that's when I would believe in God. Yeah, you have to. That's when I would believe in God for some reason or another. What God? I don't know.

I believe in God, Santeria, Jesus, Buddha. I believe in somebody and I close my eyes and I put it on to the universe. If this is going to happen. And one night you're sitting there and it's the 22nd. Rent is due on the 1st. It always fucking is your same $400. And it's the 22nd. You're sitting there and you probably got 200 in the draw and a sock.

But you want to suck some pussy this weekend. You want to do some blow. You want to buy some weed. You take a chance. You take that 200 and go, fuck it. I'm rolling. I'm rolling. I'm going to Vegas in my mind.

I'm going to go to commie store and have a good time. And you know what? If you believe enough that Monday, the phone will ring. It'll be the improv with a feature spot for $500. And okay, you only get to keep 100 after rent, but it's like Mick Jagger said, you can't always get what you want, but you get what you fucking need. And I did that for damn 14, 15 years. Because when I got the longest yard, all I did was that money was payback.

The money I had borrowed from Christine, $20,000 over the years, the attorneys. I got a chunk of money, but I paid shit out. And there was by the 17th week, people were reaching out already. The creditors were, you know, he's getting a fucking check. So thank God, as that movie was ending, they were already grabbing me. What did you do on the set? Right. Well, that's funny.

You say that if you start to have faith, you start to go, dear God, I prayed a lot. I would lay in bed and pray and have anxiety and smoke caught to calm myself the fuck down. And then also, I'll tell you what, man, when your back is against the wall, you do shit you normally wouldn't do. Yeah. You suddenly get the courage to call people you never did before. I mean, I was calling every motherfucker in the Midwest. People didn't know the fuck I was.

I was like, my name is Christina Bajitzki. I'm on Chelsea Lately or I've been on roadals, whatever the fuck my credits are. Give me work. I don't know you. That's okay. You're going to know me. You're going to know me. Get to know me now because in a few years I'm going to be a headliner and get to know me.

And I just made calls and I fucking hustled and it was full of anxiety and it's hard. It's not, you know, this over shit where she preaches like, you just follow your dreams. Like people forget there's a few years. A fucking gap in a bridge before the dream comes in. And when you go to the supermarket, you can't tell them, listen, I'm at that bridge gap. Let me catch it for you. I don't give a fuck about your dreams. Yeah.

And nobody talks about that span that you're talking about the second. Nobody talks about laying in bed panicking. That's what it was last night. I was like, what the fuck is going to happen? But yeah, it's just because it must be why so many people go back to jail. Like Miss Pat and other drug, when you were making money as a drug dealer, like when you get out and you have to work at like a McDonald's after a week and you get a hundred dollar check, like how do you, like how do you expect them not to do it?

When I got out of jail, I still saw blow. I went, listen, when you get, when you get in the halfway house, let's say you're leaving, right? Let's say you're getting ready to leave and they go, where you going? I'm going to Pazinski's house to work. Okay. Give me your phone number. So you have to write down a number.

I fucked them up. I got a page. I have questions for you. I got a fucking page. Yeah. It would be a page. And I call them back and go, what's up? And they go, where are you?

I mean, you fucking lie, right? Yeah. You don't have to. And they go, okay, where's Christine Pazinski's? I was 666. My dick's three. And they go, okay. All right.

Bye. Click. And I say, I could be at least cutting a pound of coke. And they wouldn't know it. That's why the system is loose. Those are the holes in the system. They stopped furloughs and shit after some guy in Boston killed somebody that year before Clinton, I think after Clinton, there was a president that, that was his sting to stop

the furlough. I don't know what happened. So there's no more furloughs. But to make a long story short, they didn't know where I was. I could be robbing the fucking bank and going back to fucking. And what year is this that they did it that way? This is 89 and 90. I got sentenced in 88.

In fact, I got sentenced August 15th, 1988. And your anniversary's coming up. Yeah. So I got sentenced. And then, and then those, when I got out, I probably got out in February of 89 or something. So how much time did you do total? Eight months. Damn.

And where did you, where did you do your time? Colorado, Colorado. I had a place called, first I went to Boulder County Jail, then they took me to this jail up in the mountains. And that's like a ski resort, which was a fucking party. You went to like a white person in jail. No, no, no. But this is when you're waiting to go to, you're still in the county system.

Oh, I see. You're waiting to go to the prison system. The beds are overcrowded. So you have to go to Boulder was packed. So they sent me to Summit County Jail. You could give the guards money at night. They go to AMP for you, bring you back potato chips, the TV stand until three, but your feet up, eat your little rice.

So I was there for about a month and they shipped me to DOC, the Department of Corrections, where you go through diagnostic for two weeks. After they get everything, they shipped you to their destination. And I ended up at a place called Camp George West in Golden, Colorado. It was an old army bags. And now I've been watching Orange is the New Black. I don't know shit about prison. I watch lock up a lot.

Um, did you have to side with your race? Did you have to like go with, I mean, did you, did you identify white or Latino? What did you do? I squirm my way through it. Don't ask me how the fuck I did it. It wasn't the big gang place at that time. It was 1988 guys. It wasn't a big, like Mexican gang place.

They were Mexican guys and they called themselves something, but everybody did business with each other, you know, the fucking mayates, the blacks, hangers. The blacks hang out at some place, the fucking browns hang out at another corner. The pecker boys as they call white people, the pecker boys, pecker woods. Oh, pecker woods. But they call white people in prison. Jews is like three of them. And they sit under a tree.

Negotiate and shit. Negotiating. And then you have white pecker woods, white. And then you have, you know, Mexicans, you know, the, the, whatever. And then you have a couple of Aryan guys, but they, they were very cool. They had a guy named Tramp that was a motorcycle guy that was in there for murder. And he was a big Aryan guy, but he got along with the black guys. You have to, you have to get along.

That's great. Now we're all in this fucking thing together, you know. Yeah. And do you think it, I mean, obviously it's changed since then? Like, I don't know if you know. Changed a lot. Changed a lot. The system has changed.

You know, you could smoke in any of those places. You can't smoke no more. As soon as you go to prison, you're smoking. I don't know about prison. I'm not sure about prison, but I'm sure about the county jail systems. You cannot smoke in county jail. I know you cannot smoke in Boulder. And in Boulder, they used to give you free cigarettes.

They would give you the, the grouping or the top, whatever. The ones that you roll yourself for the hippies. Wait. So how, how did you get drugs in prison? Like, does someone put up their butt and sneak it in or how do they get, how do they get drugs in prison? There's all different ways. Like I, at the, at the place where I was in, the chick would stick up a loom with heroin or crank in her mouth.

And when she would make out with the guy, he would swallow it. And then they'd all wait for three days until he shit it out. And then they'd take it out of this shit and they'd shoot it. Well, did you hear about the guy who just got caught at LAX? No. It was a gay porn star. He was here for like, he was stupid. He was here for like three days with no luggage.

So when he was flying back to, I think it was Australia or London, it was, it was a virgin flight. He was acting all fidgety. And he ended up having half a pound of meth in his asshole. In three different balloons. There's gotta be a better way. Right, Joey, there's a better way to smuggle meth than putting it in your asshole. Fetal Express. I say it once, I said it again.

People do it every fucking day. Fetal Express, UPS. They're not looking. That shit. Meth, fuck no. Send it to a fake ad. You know, the way you send that shit is to, to Lee's house under a different name. Right.

Yeah. You know, and you do it just right. So I would send it to Lee's house under Joe Banana's name and leave and take it in and the cops are still going to go to your house and watch. Oh, okay. They know it's in there. So they'll go to your house and watch to see if you keep it. If you take it and then just put in the garbage and watch the garbage for an hour or two.

Make sure no little kids go over there. And then when everybody disappears, go back and grab it. And now you know for sure. Sorry. Say this part again. So the cops watch you. Let's say if they know there's meth. If they see you in the packet.

This shit that comes to my house every fucking day that belongs to somebody else. Sure. You look there before. You understand me? I'm understanding it from somewhere else. Right. And the guy at Lee's house is Pete Holmes. I'm just using the name.

Pete Holmes. He's a bueno guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Pete Holmes. Boom. Fucking Lee Syad's house. So I don't accept the package.

You don't accept it. You don't even know that. Gotcha. You get home from working and sitting in front of your house. Gotcha. And you look at it with the rest of your luggage and you don't know. You walk in, leave it on the table for a while just in case the cops are outside. Gotcha.

Wow. And then put it on your thing. Put mail back on your thing. Yeah. Leave it there for a few hours. If the cops don't come get it now, you know, you got yourself three pounds of fucking meth or whatever, fuck that. UPS and all that other shit's probably scarier.

You know, there's got to be dogs at these fucking places. There's got to be dogs at these fucking places. I'm just, you know. Yeah. That's why when I went home after the first year of working with you, you gave me a couple edibles and you said, just pack it. And I got too scared to put it in the X-ray and like put the check bags. So I had my backpack.

And now they're doing like second TSA checks, like they'll bring a little cart to the front. There's a fuck. Oh, I was so scared. Somebody popped by the time I got there. No, see, I didn't pop anything. I popped that motherfucker on the sky. Listen, when I go through, when I was in San Jose, what's his name? Gave me a chibichu.

Butch. Butch. Gave me a 70 milligram chibichu. And I put it in my pocket. And when I got up the next morning, I was cleaning out my pants. I put my shorts on. It was in there. And I just put it in my pocket.

At the fucking hand point, the security line, I realized I got a chibichu in my pocket. I just put it in my pocket. Next time my shoes with the fucking phone in the shoes, and I wait for it to go by. And I took my chibichu and blasted it. And I'm like, hey, break this. Now I also heard I knew a girl that would put weed in her cooch, not in her cooch. You feel like under underwear, right under your cooch, that's a good place to put it. Like there's like a pocket sometimes in women's underwear.

And that's like a really good place. Right. That's a great place to put it. Yeah. So even if they do take your pants off, you know what I'm saying? You put a little fucking blood in that snatch and that shit is good to go. Ain't nobody gonna touch that little wounded back. There you go.

Now, I also have another question. White lightning. Did you ever drink any prison hooch? White lightning or pruno as they call it? No. A couple guys made it, but no. I don't see you drinking that. I did heroin in prison.

Crank with meth like two or three times with this white dude Clark from Philadelphia. Tattled up big motherfucker. Tough. Not muscle. He was big. Like he was muscular at one time, but when I met him he was like 34. I had to be like 28 and he dug me with some filly and freckles and shit. He was Irish and his chick would come in and that's who would shit the meth out.

So I would walk by his room and see him in his crown. He was like waiting for the meth. Like, you know, this is the end of the world. But I was slick. I used to, visitation is Saturdays and Sundays. I didn't want to visitation on Sunday. I wanted to get my dick sucked. So I took visitation on Mondays and Tuesdays.

So I had this huge room all to myself. And I'd make my girlfriend come in with a skirt with no undies on. So I could eat that fucking monkey right there at the visitation table. And I would sit under the window. So there would be a guard outside your door with a window. So I would make her sit on my face and look out the window to make sure the guard wasn't looking. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, Lisa? That's crazy.

Mondays and Tuesdays, she was allowed to bring food. So they would go through the food and see what was in there. And then they'd give it to me. And then there was a script kid. There was a badass script. His name was Toray Piles. And I became friends with him. I loved him.

I loved him. I was also in prison with the Curse sisters from the 80s. They won the Olympics and shit. The Curse join her. Really? She had a brother. I was locked up with him. He was a big motherfucker, too.

I still remember his face. I still remember a lot of those guys. I had a lot of good laughs in there. I was scared when I went in there. Not physically scared. But inside you have to have doubts and you have to have a little fear. If not, you're not fucking normal. Because I wasn't scared, whatever.

I had a little bit of fear. But I didn't show it. I was really good at not showing it. So I did okay. But I had a lot better time than I thought I was going to have. That's what I'm trying to say. I really did. That's so interesting.

Because I think that's my greatest fear is going to prison. I'm very afraid of that. Being alone with your thoughts. And also, do the prison guards mess with you? They're assholes, right? They're out to get you. It's a psychological beat down. Prison is not.

Only in the movies where they put Lee in a fucking thing with murders. You know what I'm saying? Right. In real life, you get categorized. They're not going to put white collar crime with fucking crypts and gang fucking bangers. You know, I was a kidnapper. I got accused of kidnapping and I pleaded to secondary burglary and accessory to a felony. What's that felony?

Kidnapping. My attorney weaved through it and it got it nonviolent. Nice. Kidnapping is as violent as it fucking comes. My attorney hired a public investigator to get it nonviolent and we came up with facts from different people. So he went to different people that he grew up with and they asked him different stories so he never gets into a fight, his temper.

But we had a fly the guy out to Jersey. He asked people questions. You know, all those fucking people. They don't want to answer nothing. They don't know nothing. I had to call them up eight times. If the guy comes to your house, let him in. Nobody will let the fucking guy in.

You know, so it was just, so that's only in the movies. So you're with people that are also nerds that, you know, they're in there for getting drunk and running somebody over by mistake. Which can happen to anybody. It can happen to anybody. It's really not that crazy. I was in there with a kid that I remember still his face and how scared he was every day. He was petrified and his parents would come see him every Saturday and Sunday and they

were petrified and at the end of the visit the whole family would cry and the sister would cry and it was so sad because this would never happen to them. This was like, you know, like they didn't ever dream of this. You can tell these were nice white people. They were the wolfens. You know, this shouldn't happen. And the kid told you, the kid goes, I never drank. I went to a fucking fret party.

Whatever the fuck those things are. And they made them do the fucking beers and he got in the car with our nut and boom. And he hit some fucking guy on a bicycle in Colorado Springs. Bam, eight years. Eight years of your fucking life. Just like that. You dumb fuck. But having a cocktail.

It can happen friendly with anything. I know. Anything. Tonight on the way home. You know, you can't see nothing. I can't fucking see at night. These jerks come out with a fucking bicycle. The bicycle ones make me crazy.

The bicycle makes me fucking crazy. Are you out of your mind? Those are the biggest bald people in the world. To ride a bicycle in this fucking neighborhood. In LA. When I see three Asians in the neighborhood, I ain't riding no fucking bicycle behind cars. And I love you. I'm not saying nothing bad, but you don't want to ride a bike around fucking Asians.

I told you my story the other day when the Asian drove me off. The fucking cliff and boulder. And the teacher ripped this thing up. You can't even write that shit. And the Chinese kids sitting there all fucking confused. So why is that your biggest fear, prison? You're a nice person. Oh, I won't go to prison.

I have my stepfather. My mother remarried to a man that was a criminal. And, you know, we got a lot of money real quick. And then all the money disappeared by my senior year in high school. The IRS took it away. I just, I think it scares me to think because I'll get like pounded and stuff. Like I'm just afraid of getting beaten up. Like you didn't see fights or anything.

Like those people aren't psychos that beat the shit out of each other for no reason. That kind of stuff scares me. You know what, I entered a couple fights, you know, and I got beat up one time. I didn't get beat up, but I got put in an uncompromising position and we broke it up. And me and the guy were friends. It was just a misunderstanding. He had a bad temper. I had a bad temper.

I stepped on a chair and he pushed me. You know, you follow me? So I went to die for him. There was a counter there and I slipped and he had me against the counter. He could have hit me. I had his shoulders, but it didn't. So in my world, he's still going to beat the fuck out of me. I got this, the same biker that I shit in his box and put in his draw.

I finally got him one day in the weightlifting room. I got this guy. I got this fucking guy. You hit him with a weight or something? No, I grabbed him by his hair. If I was a man, I would never have long hair. Never it's bad. The first thing I go for is an earring.

Yes. Back to 30, I would go for a fucking earring because I'm not a tough guy. And I got to shock you. I got to get in and out. My mentality is to get in and out of there. I ripped your fucking earring off of your gold chain. I grabbed your gold chain. I twist that motherfucker around till it breaks or you're fucking breathing for your turn

in purple. I didn't give a fuck. So I took this guy. I was in the weight. And this guy used to always bust my balls. He used to make little remarks to me whenever he was around his little biker buddies. And one day we got into a conversation about the hot-out when I was in prison. There was three hot-outings.

What's that? We were going to laugh. I want you to play. Well, let me finish this story. I used to, and I'll do the impersonation for you. Love this shit. This kid was a biker kid. One day we were having a conversation.

Clark was a biker. The kid that gave me the speed was a big-ass biker. Brown-haired, big motherfucker, good-looking dude. And he was my entry into that thing. Nobody fucked him because I knew Clark and Philly. But he didn't like me. There was like two dudes that looked at me kind of weird. They always made Italian remarks.

They made stupid remarks at me. But this guy, when they were talking about Mr. Brownstone, Mr. Brownstone, unless you're a fucking moron, it's about fucking heroin, okay? Mr. Brownstone won't fucking leave me alone. It's about fucking heroin. This idiot and his buddy tried to be cute. They tried to pull like, they tried to be like comedians. You know when you do a podcast with comedians, they try to be cute.

So you took it in the ass and he was trying to be cute. So I first shit in the box. I took the shit. No, that's not the song. I took the shit and I shit in the box. And I fucking put in this drawer. And after about a month, he found me. This was like a 22-inch shit when I put in this box.

It was a cheese box, welfare cheese. They said, that's what you eat in prison. They just slice and tell you it's American cheese. I took the cheese out and I took the shit. And I had to fit it in the box. And I took a flag that he put in BLT's, American flag. And I put it in the piece of shit. And I put the lid on it and put in his drawer.

And this motherfucker didn't find it for like four weeks. He finally found it. And he was like going, somebody shit my thing. And I thought that would satisfy me with him, but it didn't. And I knew I wanted to, I wanted to jack this motherfucker. So I had like a month left in there. I knew I had gotten my reconsideration. So you were on your way out.

You knew this is your last chance. But I didn't, if you know anything about Joe Diaz, this guy was not getting away with this. I knew something. I was either going to steal his radio, something, his jacket. Something was going to go down. And I'm in the weight room. And the weight room was slash a combination weight room, laundry room.

So he was in there doing laundry. You could pitch your laundry in for the weekly thing that don't cost you nothing. Or if you prefer to do laundry on your own, they had two machines in there. You'd go in there. So I'm lifting and he's talking shit to me. It's just me and him. And there ain't no cameras.

And I asked him, what happened? And he goes, you know, he's one of those guys, you know those dudes that smoke a cigarette and they laugh when they smell like the, like you like, like that fucking song I can't stand. The boys are back in town. I hate that fucking song too. I fucking hate that song. It makes me so angry.

Because if you're a guy and you sit around with your buddy like, shoot yourself tonight. Don't even let the podcast finish. Those fucking morons. You know which ones I'm talking about? The boys are back in town. They sit, look at each other like we're the boys. And meanwhile there's nobody sitting by them.

They got no strippers. They got no drugs. They got nerds. They got no jobs. They got nothing. But they're those guys in high school that were cool. And the one guy, and he would always smoke a cigarette and he'd go, put those jerks on.

And he said something and I'm like, what did you say? And I'm like, well, let me talk to you. And I went up to him as peaceful. Like I tried to really work on my body energy in my face. I didn't want it to get red because I didn't even know I was going to fucking knock. I'm out. But I didn't even do that. I walked up too slow.

I asked him a question. What did you say? And I fucking grabbed both his hairs. He had long hair coming down. And I had done that before. And I remember that. I loved that move. And I grabbed his hair.

But I got it. That's how you do it. Right away. And I pulled him down and he was wide open. By the time he grabbed my fucking wrist, it was just uppercuts. Bam, bam, bam. And then, but here's why I did even better. I got him.

And I punched him. He grabbed my wrist. I had no where to go. So I put his hand around his fucking ears. And I banged his head against it. There was a bulletin board, you know, a Christian meeting, 8 o'clock in the library. I banged his fucking head. Hop, hop, hop.

I just motherfuckered. And everything that I had gotten in, like every rage I had. And when I finished, I could say his eyes were all fucked up. Somebody came in. What's going on in there? And that was it. He never even spoke to me until I got out of there that much. He went back and reported to the commissioner.

But the commissioner was Clark. So the commissioner said, yeah, you goofed on him. What the fuck? I'm not going to go after him because he, you fucking, you got fucked up. Now handle it. He wasn't going to handle it. I rocked his fucking world. He had never seen somebody grab your fucking head and cuff you.

He was banging your fucking head against the door. That's Juan Tuerro type shit. Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown. That's in good mood. Oh, I love that. That's funny. Bobby Brown, I used to get into fights with black girls and they were always seeing this shit in that.

Let me tell you something. Great. Before that, I said this on the Bird Christia podcast that were Felicia and Bird Christia, that you don't know what people go, what's prison like? You don't know what black people like that you go to prison. People think people, black people yell in the movie theater, don't go to prison. I bet. Because they don't shut the fuck up all night long.

Yo, Torell. But right here. Who got from the beginning? This is what my bully used to sing to me. Bobby Brown. Okay, so there will be four black guys. Edgy, Antoine Spencer, AKA Chicken. There will be Graveyard.

There's other badass niggas, right? Bad ass niggas, right? And Torell Ray Powell. Put it from the beginning. I didn't. And they put it from the beginning. And they'd be like playing cards. Yeah, niggas.

Yeah. And Austin, this would come on. And the fucking, it was like African man. They would just start fucking going, Nazi shit. Four black guys, 16 yams watching. And I would be the only white doing that. Yeah, yeah. I'd be fucking loving off the energy.

They'd be hugging me and shit, Cuba dance. But there's a part of fast forward. How long was it? Like three, four minutes when he goes into, when this goes. Yeah, the rap part, yeah. When they're just right. Rap. The rap part.

Yeah, yeah. There you go. Right here. Back there. They would lose their minds. I mean, just in the front. There was ever the love that I've never been found. I gave you my mind.

But if you love a fair, you would never find it. Oh shit. But there's a guy's life out there that won't say no. Yeah. And I want you Jackie. What? And the fucking yams would just be going crazy. And I would sit there and go, to be with me, Bobby B.

Or with a bad attitude, I can't compete. Now you know my name. Now you know my game. You want to be with me. You're looking to be the same. What? What? What?

Oh shit. Oh shit. So good. Can I tell you when I was in public school fighting with black girls, this album came out that same year. And I was in seventh grade. Oh my god. And she would sing every little step.

This bitch, Rosina Johnson, who used to fuck me up. And what I learned from the Mexican girls, that hair move that you're talking about, that's what the cholas did. I grew up here in the San Fernando Valley. Money move. And I would watch the cholas. They pull some girls. I saw them pull a fucking braid, clear off a girl's scalp.

That's how you do it. You fucking wrap it. And then you pull the bitch's head down and then you punch her head. That's how you do it. Now I didn't do that. I just defended myself. I tried to fight this black bitch. But she was big, dude.

She was way bigger than me. And she would punch me in the stomach. And I could just, you know, I could flail. I just swung. But they're brutal, dude. She was brutal. Now to get back to Christina's question. Go ahead.

When we got to talking about being on the podcast, Christina asked me if I said the word nigger and got away with it. And we discussed it. Yes. So did you see how excited I got when I said nigger? You did. They're in a black person in America. That's insulted right now.

That's right. Because they know, I'm not lying. When 88, when this album came out and Bobby Brown, that whole, that before that part, there's a part where it's not him singing. And they're just going nuts. They would, I never saw that. It was like, you know, you see the Zulu's going up and down like that. That's what it was only 200 years later.

I'm not even gonna fuck the Zulu. I'm sure you already have like five tweets though from angry white people. Fuck them. Fuck them. Right away. They want to save the world. Suck my dick. All right.

If black people don't get men, mind your fucking business. If you like black people so much, go suck a black cock. How's that come suck? Put that in your fucking stupid fucking activist sensitivity fucking act. You dumb fucks. I love black people. And the reason why I said that. Yes.

We talked about that. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't say nothing bad about them. They know they would jump up. Graveyard had a big afro. And he would jump up and down with a big chest of people. Me?

He would look like he was fucking like he was like the Zulu guy. It was tremendous. It was tremendous experience. Yeah. And I do, I talk about getting into fights with this girl Rosina on stage all the time and black people love it the most. They come up to me after and they're like, girl, you crazy. I love it.

Like they love that shit. They love that shit. They know it. Yeah. It's funny because the end bomb, people are so sensitive. Very sensitive. The word. But yeah.

But you're right. And I don't think that you and I, like there's no hate behind your story. When I told you why I got away with it. What did I say? Because you've no, you've no hate in your heart about it. No, I said, because I'm a nigga. Oh, because that too. I got no hate in my heart and I'm a fucking nigga myself.

So they know it. You know it at home. If you're black, you're watching me going, yeah, you got problems. You got problems, dog. So what's up, Lisa? I can see your braids are starting to close. I can see you over there. I caught you dreaming about a cold cut sub from Subway on 12 inches.

I think when that green hornet melted, it got stronger. Yes, it did. That was a beautiful green hornet. The fucking green hornet, goomy man, melted in my, in the 104th degree weather today. Oh, shit. I ate one when I went to meet my wife and coffee and the other one melted. I get in the car. It's liquid.

I'm like, oh, please don't be pissed. It's Wednesday night. I went home. My wife put in the freezer for Uncle Joey. That shit tripled the intensity. Nice. Fucking high too. That's right down the street, but it's funny.

You said like when you're talking about anyone could like hit somebody when they're drunk. I got drunk for the first time last week and luckily I walked to the bar. You have to. You got mad at me once when people thought I was driving drunk. Oh my God. I called you fucking yelling and screaming. I wasn't, but I drove a couple of times drunk and driving high gets a little bit nerve wracking, but that's terrible driving.

It's a paranoia. I don't like driving high. That's why I'm on the bicycle. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I'm on the high. I'm on the high. What do I need?

The high is three bucks away. What the fuck am I going to do the car for? Are you in there tonight after this? Yeah. Why not? I'm going to go do a set. Go home. I got to go swimming tomorrow with the baby.

That's adorable. 10 o'clock. I'm going to go to Gigi to a 1230. I'm going to fucking smoke dope and watch Mary. Hey, um. I'm going to the car. I'm going to pick me up at 8. I'm shooting a fucking Reno like a doctor.

Okay. Fuck him. All right. That's exciting. You're marrying episodes. So what's that? Have you talked about that a lot already? I don't want to reiterate.

No, we haven't. I mean, you said you were on it, but you don't obviously can't tell the story. No, I don't want to tell the storyline. Then they'd say you're joy. You're a spoiler alert motherfucker. Just make sure you watch it tomorrow night at seven fucking o'clock. On IFC. Whatever.

I was very fortunate. You know, he had me on the podcast and the executive producer heard it and said, I want to write something for you. Do your thing. And they booked me. Oh, it's so great. It was great because it was a fellow comedian that came through for made a z. And two guys have done that for me.

Besides Joe. Mm hmm. Lucy K. Mm hmm. And my man fucking Mark Marin. So I'm very fortunate. So what comedy center don't like me. So what fucking?

Oh, they don't like me. They don't like me. So what anybody don't fucking like me. You know what? All you need is three, four people you get through in this fucking life. The rest of the suck. Can I tell you, you're right about that because not everybody likes me there. There's certain festivals won't have me for years.

There's clubs will never have me. The point of the story is I was thinking about you. I think about you a lot actually and why Tom and I both just love you. It's because you don't give a fuck. And in this era of comedians, I feel like the, the corporatization of comedy has destroyed it completely. And you're of that generation. Like you remind me of the Sam Kinnison era of that fucking golden age where people

just said shit. And there wasn't, there was no holding back. Like I feel like you're, it's so good what you do. And it's so awesome. I'm a student of how I grew up. I grew up watching Sam Kinnison in the seventh grade. Me too. That's the best show.

I grew up watching Chico and the Man. If you watch the honeymoon, as you'll go, Joey Diaz is stealing everything from fucking. Oh, right. Sure. Jackie Gleason. But I love Norton. I think Norton is the comedy genius in that. Jackie Gleason is the padding.

Norton has fucking specific fucking timing. I watched the episode two days ago. I'm still laughing. I've probably seen the episode 110 times. He gets a letter that if it's his tongues turning blue, he's got this disease. So he tells Norton and Norton goes, why don't you sell your fucking story to a magazine? So they go to the magazine. He tells the story.

He gets home. He tells his wife. His wife goes, no, that was the dog. The dog is going to die. But he wanted to leave money for Alice. So that's why he sold the story. $50,000. So now he died.

Alice would have money. What a beautiful fucking thing. This is telling me. This is two white writers in the room, two Jews that didn't get enough sum. That's how he described them in his book. There were two Jews that didn't get enough sum in him. And this is what they wrote every fucking day, Jackie Gleason. That's why I admire him.

Listen, man, he's one of my guys. Not candy is my main motherfucker. But he comes in because of his work ethic. So he writes this thing. He goes home. And they tell him, if you're lying, if you don't die, we're going to fucking kill you. We're going to take you to jail and all this. We're going to take you to prison and lock you in there for 20 years.

So when he finds out he's not dying, he goes to Norton and he goes, Norton, I got to go in there tomorrow and give him the money back and tell him I got a prom. And he goes, what am I going to do? He goes, why don't you go on there and tell him they, a doctor called you and you don't have monochromia and you're going to live and give him the check back. And he goes, all right. He goes, who am I going to find to play the doctor? And Norton, he goes, Norton, did you play the doctor?

Norton's like, don't touch me. I'm sterile. So that's where it starts. It goes to commercial. And next time you come back, you see both of them in the office and Norton's got a goggle line. What's that shit, a monocle? Yeah.

He's got a monocle line with a thing and the guy comes over and around. How you doing this doctor, whatever, from whatever. And he goes, here's the check and the thing. I find out I'm not dying. He's going to kill me. Thank you for the opportunity. He goes, wait. He goes, just like I said, he goes, why don't we do a story on the doctor?

And then he's like, no, no. He's very shy. And Norton goes, a few pictures would hurt. What the fuck? You know, that's how badly he's timing his timing. Christina. He goes, Dr. Norton, what college did you go to? No.

He goes, what school did you attend? And Norton looks around and he goes, PS86, Oyster Bay. And he goes, no, what medical school? It was fucking medical school. And Ralph goes, Oxford. He goes in England and Norton goes, oh, is that where it is? I mean, that's little fucking nudges that. So that's what I grew up watching, Christine.

That's my mindset. I also grew up that you were a man. I grew up watching men. I grew up watching the Jerry Lewis roast, whatever, the Dean Martin roast. That's the shit. Where you were allowed to drink while you were roasting people and getting fucked up, fucked up, Dean Martin would get fucked up. Okay, these were men and they acted like men.

And it was a different thing. It was just a different brotherhood. It was one for all. These guys did everything together. I feel now we're against each other. Oh, that's interesting. I feel now that even when you see these comedians, you know, they don't fucking like you. No, I hate that.

I'm a fucking idiot. I know when somebody likes me. I know when somebody don't like me. I know when you're eyeballing me. I know when you're giving me the fucking evil eye. You know, I ain't that fucking retarded. Because it's all business. I think everybody's so involved in the business that they've forgotten what the fun of it

is just to go to the club, let your dick hang out, try new jokes, fuck with each other in the back of the room. That's what it is to be a comic. And you know what really kills me? What you're saying about this old school drinking, smoking? I grew up watching Johnny Carson. Who's the fucking G.O.D. of the Tenayjo? Not this pussy dog shit.

Fallon. Who's not even a fucking comic? Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding, I know this guy. He does a good job. I know, but I can't watch. He's doing a good job for 2014. I can't watch.

It's not the shit we grew up on. That's right. And that's why I can't. When fucking Joan Rivers was hosting one day. A fucking Vanity was there. She was dating Prince. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I lie.

She was dating Prince, and Joan was ripping into a national television. So how are you doing? You know you're dating Prince, you know, he makes Michael Jackson look like a green beret. but Ray, I'm sure he was going all up on it, you know? And Freddie Prince was gonna take off with Johnny Carson. Now, Puerto Rican, if Freddie Prince wouldn't have shot himself, he would have taken off with Johnny Carson.

History would have been completely fucking different. Nobody remembers that shit. Then Jay Leno came in. I remember when Jay was the host. I hate it. I remember when he hosted, but that's what it became. When it was, listen, you could meet people, like you meet people, but they're not your friends.

I mean, I met old Cool Jay. I worked with old Cool Jay for two fucking days. We laughed from bell to bell both days. I didn't go up to him and take his number. He didn't take mine. I shook his hand and I went my way and he went his fucking way. When you watch the Tonight Show with, what's his name?

Carson. Carson. It was like he had a relationship. Yeah. Everybody that came on. Now, sometimes you're once alone. You're like, who's this fucking 18-year-old girl? Carson would have never put that bitch on.

Well, how long had Carson been for a while, right? Didn't he do it for like decades? Carson would have never put that woman on. And I watched it. There's a great documentary about Johnny Carson on Netflix. I highly advise that this motherfucker was on TV from the beginning of television. Like literally they invented TV in his small town

and I forget where he's from in the middle of nowhere. Nebraska. Really? I'm gonna look it up. I think so. Yeah. And he's like, I'm gonna go on this thing called television. And then he comes to LA and he gets on the Tonight Show.

They give him his show. So he's way back in the day this motherfucker started. And yeah, I know what you're saying. There was a genuineness, I think, to people. Iowa. Because there wasn't a lot to gain from other people like there is now, maybe? I don't know.

Maybe there's, it just seemed like it was a more genuine thing, a more genuine time or something. When I got off the blow, the mission statement of my recovery in the back of my head. I'm not talking to you people like an AA guy. I'm talking to you people how I looked at my recovery was the most important thing when my recovery was getting my manhood back.

That cocaine, I had a dick and I had a cock and I would still smack in the face but I didn't have my manhood. I didn't have the balls to tell somebody no. I didn't have the balls to tell this wipe out and no. So my mission when I got recovered, like the first 30 days of my mission was to get my manhood back.

I knew it would take me a year. And when my manhood was what the addiction took away, the shit I ate in Hollywood because I was scared that they wouldn't book me again or I was scared that I would go to jail and not be able to do my little precious cocaine. When I took that away, my manhood came back. Who I was when I was 12 and 13, when I was fucking nuts.

Do you understand me? When Bruce Lee died, the anger I had in my fucking heart was tremendous, do you understand me? And then my mother died, you know? So this built up, but I went back to cocoa. I went back to just cocoa, you know, regular cocoa. That's why I wanted to go back to, and this is why good things have happened to me

since 2007, I got married at the child. But most importantly, I got my balls back, you know? I don't give a fuck about work anymore. I don't give a fuck about your TV primes. I don't give a fuck about anything. Number one, you better talk to me like a man and respect me like a man and I'll respect you the same. And I'm gonna fucking own up to it.

And that's the number one problem that you're trying to describe. You don't know what it puts your men on. We're dealing with a bunch of fucking cunts. We're dealing with guys, they're fucking pussies. And you people at home should be ashamed of yourself because you buy into this. You buy into these fake people.

They're fucking fake. 80% of those people are fake. When you hear them talking, it's something somebody else heard and they just saying it to be cool and the next guy. So you, go home like God, he really likes puppies. This guy, which give his fucking girlfriend a permity up to fucking ass. But you're at home saying, oh my God, he's so sweet.

You fucking jerks off after these fucking people that you see, and that's who we're missing. We're missing that manhood. We're missing that manhood. I could fucking, I'm this hand, I could tell you. Yeah, there's a thousand kinds of missing. Oh my God, he's so, there's five fucking men out there doing comedy.

Men, men, men. The rest of them are fucking children, fucking around. But there's men and that's what you people, that's what you're missing. That's what I miss. That's why you see me with three people, two people all the time, because I miss men. I miss men, you know?

We're comedians, but before we're fucking comedians, we're fucking men. I'm a man too. And you know, when you are a female comic, you have to, for a female to succeed in comedy, when she feels her ovaries kicking in, she's gotta grab her balls. I do, all the time, I let my nuts in.

A lot of women are hung on Joey, Jesus Christ. Look at all the female comedy careers. It's when they become a woman that it's all over. It's all over. Once they become a woman, my wife just became a woman. There's girls that do comedy, but once they become a woman, it's hard to convince a woman to do fucking comedy.

What do you mean by that? Wait, do you mean that they become mothers or they become feminine? Their life changes, they see our life experience, they see the same thing I saw at 44. All you dummies are fucking kids. I'm a man, I've been a man for 10 years, but I didn't even know I didn't wake up into this.

And every woman takes a break, except John Rivers, but they all take some type of break or something, and that break is, and I'm not saying all of them, but I'm saying a majority of them just disappear. And the reason why they don't disappear is because you become a woman. And it's very hard.

It's like me, I have a child, I do a podcast twice a week at six, one day at six, when I fly out, I fly out early, you could only do so much. When you're a kid, you say yes to everything, right? Or you could leave, come over, let's do a heroin and you light your ass, hold on fire, yeah. One day you're like, well,

I'm not fucking driving over there. It's over, once you see it, but what it is, once you see behind the curtain, that's what it is to become a man, to become a woman. You can't put one over on me no more. In this family, it's over. Society, it's over, life, you're done. That's it, I ain't taking shit no more.

That's why the roommate, that's all. There's a part in your life where you go, that's it. I've seen it for what it is now. And then you see it again, when you're 50, then you see it again when you're 56, then you see it again when you're 61. The longevity of it, you see the field more. That's all there is, we're seeing the playing field more.

It was a good quarterback, a good quarterback of somebody who sees the fucking field. You see a bad quarterback, he only sees 30%, 40%, you gotta know what everybody's fucking doing. And that's, once you see it, I think, that's what happened to me. I did something, I went off on something one night that I'm still, people still get mad at me,

a lot of industry people don't talk to me about, but that was the first movement to me to become a man. I stuck up for myself. You don't know how many times have people talked to you weird in this town? Like every day, I had a meeting with an executive last week where the guy was on his phone the entire time when I was talking, pulled out dick pics in the meeting.

I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. Now, if they do that six years from now, you might just reach over and smack that mother fucker, and eyeball him till he takes it, and tell him to put the phone, and work and put the phone down before I shove it up your fucking ass.

You took me out to this fucking meeting to waste my fucking time on the other two, on the other two, gentile for the table, they'll be frozen, you know what I'm saying? Because nobody ever did that in this town. And when people do that, right away you think your career's over, your career's never over.

Ask Cat Williams. Join H.B.O. Spies on Spike Lee. So you could call the whole fucking, the whole audience a bunch of fucks, you know? You don't see the rest of the comics doing that shit. Ain't nobody else doing what he's fucking doing. Yeah. And he gets arrested every other week.

So what does that tell you? What does that tell you? People buy the image. Can I tell you one thing you said to me at a barbecue at Bert's house a while back? You were like, just say no. See what that feels like. Just say no.

And I did. I've took your advice, and I decided to make an increase in how much I make doing stand-up and what I will do and I won't do. And I just remember you. And I just said no. I said no three times,

and then I got what I wanted. And I thought, wow, wow, the power of no. I had no idea that it was as simple as going, yeah, no, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I won't go work at Starbucks before I'm gonna do that. Yeah, no, no, no. Tell your mother to go do it.

We're just saying it. Tell your mother. And then I know, that's it, that's what we want. I know. Oh my God, I have this thing for you. Oh my God, listen. They're doing this thing on Sunday the 18th up in a park in San Francisco.

Bunch of marijuana, we want you and Lee to come up and do a podcast. It's gonna be 80,000 people. We're not gonna pay you. And we're not gonna pay you, and I'm like, no, no, they were gonna pay like 300, no plane ticket in the hotel for us. And all the weed you could smell.

Well, listen, we take one hit, we're good to go. No Chibo choose, and I'm like, no, and they couldn't believe it. They couldn't. Well, what do you mean now? No. We really don't understand what's going on. We've called, that's calling people.

No, no, we see it for what it is. We're not going out there and doing your festival. Your festival's doing us, and you're paying us. Those 80,000 people are gonna pay each a quarter to fucking see us, because we deserve it. We get up early, we do podcasts, we tweet, we communicate, this is what the fuck we do. This is hard work on our fucking end.

You know, I'm not doing shit. You know, I got a call this morning from the improv. He was calling for something else. That was what he called for, for something else. Let me tell you how it works, people, okay? The improv is a phenomenal chain. There are backbone, there are whatever, but they have little kinks in their game.

They're also corporate, like anything else. Everything else is corporate, and you gotta do certain things, but they can't explain what they do. They can't explain why they pay Christine a certain amount, and why they pay somebody who's in a certain management company a certain amount, which is double than what Christine's getting, because it's their client. So these are all the things that you people don't know

about behind the scenes. I'm giving it to you right now. And if you're a woman, by the way, they will try to fuck you a thousand times. And I know what my husband gets, and then I go, no, no, motherfuckers. I know what he's getting to do that. And we have the same podcast, go fuck yourself, of course.

Sorry, go ahead. Very fucking weird. So you people are hearing this shit for a second. So what they'll do is, they'll pay you some money for a while. God forbid, there's a holiday. We're just, what they try to do, they look for you to fuck up,

so they can offer you less and justify why you did less. Well, that Wednesday you did it, the other one, oh, we don't know. You only had 180 people. Listen, when you do it for this price, sell tickets and then you're like, no, and they can't. They can't. Somebody else will go, okay, there's a thousand.

The reason why we don't have no balls, we don't have any power on our end is because there's 1,800 suckasses. That'll do it for nothing. People will do it for nothing and eat the guy's ass whole out and clean the bathroom and whatever. I work from strength. I put 20 years of my life into this.

The same way a plumber or an electrician puts 20 years, I want, I'm getting to me, you know what I'm saying? That's it, the game is over. So this motherfucker calls me for something and in the meanwhile he goes, hey, I spoke to your agent and we want to give you Irvine Sunday, August 3rd. Listen, at seven o'clock on a Sunday at Irvine. Good luck, yeah.

Good luck. And they know this. It's not gonna happen. He's like, you know what he said to me? People want to come see it. Not on Sunday. No, not on Sunday, though. Well, understand, understand.

First, I got a family. I gotta leave my house at dinner time to go do your fucking show. On the Lord's Day too. On the Lord's Day. Is that like why UFC fighters turn down fights? Because the only thing good, there was nothing good gonna come

from you doing Irvine on Sunday. So like when they gave John Jones a tail, I think, he turned down, right? Yeah. And like there's nothing good gonna come out of it. What move am I gonna make here? This is a business. And people at home got mad.

We're fucking, he's a pussy. He won't fight Chail. Really? Chail's got a two-year suspension. John Jones is about to fight damn fucking corn man. This is a business. You guys thought this was two fucking yams going jumping up and down.

No, this is a guy that's got people around him that before he makes the decision. When you call my house now for a gig, if you call me and I'm on the road, I'll tell you call me back Monday. Well, I need to know back to Monday, then we can't do it. Okay, I'll call you back Monday. You couldn't do it.

Yeah. And when he calls me in my house, I'm the fucking thing. I have a list that I ask. So they can't swindle me no more. They can't catch me off guard, whatever. I have a certain list that I look at and it's a countdown. And if they follow the whole list, everything's good, then I booked the fucking gig.

Right, it happens with regular jobs too. One of the last TV jobs I got called for was a night job. And they say that you're gonna work six days, but you never work six days. No, you never, no. And never have, I never have, I think you can leave early. And oh, it's only 1200. And I know you should be getting 15, but we only have 12.

And it felt so good to turn it down. But that's why, that's why I'm a little bit pro union. I don't really know it, but I kind of wish there was a union that I could join because it kills, I'm sure Plumber's listening. Get really pissed off when a new Plumber comes in and does the job for 50 when, if they did it for 200 with the good guy, it'd be done.

And the 50 guy's gonna break it and ruin it. And now everyone hates Plumber's. It just, like that sort of low balling really pisses me off. Well, here's the deal for a union to be, I had a great experience with a union growing up because you ever work union or you're out of it? I'm in, I mean, I'm in after, does that really even count? No, these fucking muts, the same thing.

They don't do shit for you, but you just give them money. It's a racket, yeah. I joined the union. My first union was the warehouse workers union. You pay like 800 to get in to give you a book to give you benefits, dental, vision, I'm lying to you. I was in the electricians union. And I went to the electricians union in Jersey

through a back door, like a stock clerk type. I was like a 25 fucking unions. All right, and they always give you benefits, blah, blah, blah. So I was in that one for a while then. But before that, I got into the warehouse one. And that was the best one I ever worked for because they got fired. And I got fired for wrongful termination.

So I went to pick up my check. I hadn't seen the shops do it. I saw the shops do it. He's like, where you been? Well, they fired me. He goes, nobody fucking told me. How long have you been fired? I go three weeks.

He goes, they're supposed to notify me in 36 hours. Let's see what the fuck. Why'd you get fired? I got sick. And I went home to change my shirt. I couldn't find the supervisor. And when I tried to get back in, they wouldn't answer the phone

because the switchboard was closed. He goes, I can't fire you for that. He goes, come on, let's follow. He made me follow the report. Here I was out of work like four weeks. Followed the report. Oh, Jesus. A week later, he calls me, come on down.

Let's go to a fucking thing, a hearing I won. I ended up getting on my back bay, 16 miles an hour. I was a senior in high school. Great. It was for 10 days after that. And they went on. I got laid off. Because in the winter, you get laid off

when you leave trucks. So you collect unemployment. So it was doing, I collect unemployment all the way to May. My senior year in high school, because the man's back sent you when they called me back and they offered me a job back at home to shut up their ass.

Now I'm slinging pills and coke. Robin House is running your fucking 800 a week for. I'm making that an hour. And that's the thing is that if you say no to the shit that you don't like, eventually the stuff you do like does come. But if you don't say no to the stuff you won't do, the stuff you will do doesn't have room to come in.

Yeah. Did he start in LA comedy? I did. I grew up here, so I did, yeah. Because the only thing, like with me, my first job I was a shitty boss. And no matter, like I couldn't, I'm glad I left because whenever you, I feel like whenever you go somewhere

they always view you as like the first time they saw you. So like I couldn't move up in that company because I started that as a PA. Yeah. Like did you run into that in LA? Like they saw you as an open mic or something. No, here's the thing I did. I did the open mics here, but I didn't step foot

into the clubs, into the lab factory, the improv of the store until I was at least seven years. Okay, so they might not have seen you. I knew that if I, if they got a bad first impression, it's very hard to undo it. So I would drive an hour south. I would go to this shit box called Martini Blues every Friday, every Saturday,

because that guy was a bit of a, you know, creepo, he liked pretty girls and he put me up. And I, you know, I actually, oh, that guy, you know, and I just did, I did a lot of spots out of town. Okay. I did triple runs, I did all the shitty things. And then when I was ready, I stepped foot in the clubs here.

Yeah, cause you don't want to, you don't want to, once you taint that first impression, it's so hard. What made you get on stage the first time? The first time, you know, I did the groundlings first when I was 23, cause I had a boss who was like, you're a horrible worker. You go, you're the worst employee I've ever had, but you're really funny.

You should try improv and I go, yeah, all right. So I did the groundlings and I remember fucking being in the room and they're like, oh, you're in a donut shop. You're making, do your space work. And I was like, fuck this, fuck you. Fuck paying $400 for some jackoff to tell me how to be funny. Like I knew I had some shit to say.

And then I did the belly room for the first time. And I loved it. I just, I shit all day though. I had diarrhea from the time I woke up. You know, when you first started doing standup and you're like, oh, I just got a shit. I would shit all day. I shit until the moment I would get on stage

for the first four years. I just shit all fucking day. It's your anxiety in there. Yeah. And then I saw this interview with Adam Sandler and he said he had the same thing. He's like, yeah, I just, I just one day I go, I just knew that if I persisted, it would stop.

And I go, well, if that fucking guy can do it, I can keep doing it. And then I just did. But I really liked the push pull of it. I liked the danger of it. It's everything you're not supposed to do. It goes against your self-preservation. It's just, and to throw a woman to do it,

it's very subversive if you're saying something, if you're really, you know, because it's very male. You're taking a fucking cock in your hand and you're telling a room full of people, what's up, you're grabbing your nuts like Joey Diaz and you're smelling your hand. And that's a very masculine thing. And I really love that.

Because I'm very, inside I'm wired a little bit like a dude, you know, but at home with my husband, I'm a woman. That's a different story. I like to cook for him. I'm very domestic, but not, yeah, our home life is different. But I just, I love something about the power of it and jokes, I love fucking, I love talking about shitting and farting and everything, taboos.

That's why I love it when you say that, you know, you drop n-bombs on your podcast. It makes me laugh. I love that stuff. That's why that's how my dad was joking. We're immigrants, we're Euro trash, we're Eastern Europeans. That's all we do is talk shit about everybody. This was very normal in my house.

Women are not, my mother is a very ballsy woman. She's not the way American women are. It's amazing when you said those words because a lot of women get offended when I say that. What I said earlier about that, there comes a time when a girl is doing stand-up, that she becomes a woman and then she sees the whole thing and a lot of women are like, what are you talking about?

Women get offended no matter what the fuck you say, but you know this feeling that you have to sling a little dick when you're a woman to really survive in a male-oriented environment. I see women in rooms and they have to leave everything at the door. There's an acting coach here in town, a vantage of it. Oh yeah, I hear that, yeah.

She's very high-end and the reason why she's high-end is she had a Charlize Theron and she had the black chick. Halle Berry? Halle Berry, back to back, they won't ask us and both those bitches thanked because what she does is first week in class she makes you get naked to go against your grain. Let me tell you something, you don't know what life is,

you have to get naked in front of 24 fucking pretty people in an acting class or do a scene naked in a bed with a check that is married. I gotta get in the bed with Christine with my dick on, rub it on her leg and she's fucking married and you gotta act so they want you to control. This is why they take you over the fucking top. If you could talk to somebody you're not married to

when to keep your fucking heart on and act, are you fucking kidding me? Breaks you down, huh? Breaks you down. And as a woman to do stand-up, let me tell you something, it breaks you down as a man to do stand-up because I talk about subjects now 22 years later and I didn't talk about five years in,

I would not even discuss it. There is no way I would tell those stories I tell on stage. There is no way. I would have been a fucking star on my second year and if I told a story about Lucy Stahlbosch and fucking mucking the hooker in the light, no we're gonna fly, I would not repeat those things. That was something that happened a long, long, long, long time ago

that was done by a person named Coco. Right, but you can talk about it now. No, I can talk about it. You're a family guy, yeah. But it's not that I'm a family guy, it's that I took that spine, you build by getting on stage. You build it by getting on stage. I've been at Jiu Jitsu for 16 months now.

I was lost still two weeks ago because now I know the steps. It's like comedy. First eight months you're doing comedy, you're a jack-off. First year you're doing comedy, you're a jack-off. You don't know what's going on. In your head, you think you're fucking, you know. I know, I thought I was brilliant.

Kim Kardashian and you're fucking head, but in reality you suck. And then second year you start to get the basics. Third year you're on the road, you throw you into some fire, now you're starting to get a little bit, you don't know, dick, six, seven. I came here, I came here in my 70s and I was still green.

Of course. I just got away with murder because of my. Personality? No, stage presence. My stage presence was very confident, so it always deceived you. So you would watch me for three minutes and all this kind of fucking material.

This is horrible. But my stage presence six years in was overlapping still on my material. It still is till today. It's my stage presence that makes the thing go around. They don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. They don't even give a fuck. But don't you find, I find that the best comedians

is about, it is about the audience wanting to spend time with Joey. It's not about the cleverness. At least I've never loved guys that have clever fucking joke. I know Mitch Hedberg, you mentioned him. I get it. I know why people loved him.

I get it. But to me, it doesn't tickle my cooch. You know, it doesn't like grab me by the nuts. Unless you're, tell me the truth, motherfucker. And when a man doesn't talk about his dick on stage, I think he's full of shit. I don't fucking trust a guy that doesn't talk about jerking off or sex or anything.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know those comics that just talk about, like, look cookies and I got cookie. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Why don't you talk about why you're so dark? There's a reason you're on stage. There's a reason something's wrong with you, right? Don't give me this like, like Seinfeld,

I know everyone's supposed to bow down, but I just, I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I got Seinfeld. I understood where he was coming from. Was he the comic I looked at to emulate when I got into comedy? No, but I got him.

But I understand that I know why. I liked him. I liked him. I paid to see Seinfeld. Really? I took this fucking Ocarina shit. But it makes me mad, because I'm like, tell me, tell me how you really feel.

I want to know your dirty secrets. I want to know who you are. I wouldn't talk about cocaine on stage like I got to the comedy store seven years in. Yeah. It was where I got my legs to talk about cocaine. That's a good place to start, you know that? Yeah, that's why I talked about cocaine on stage

the first time. It was at the comedy store. You don't have those legs in the very beginning to, and then you got on real world? So what happened was I did that in college, 1999, sorry, no. Where was college then? I barely got into school at the University of San Francisco.

No, I don't. Yeah, I don't, you know it, yeah. And I fucking, I got into school barely by the skin in my teeth. I barely got like an 800 on the SAT. And I get in, I study philosophy. Anyway, I stayed a year abroad in England, and I came back and I was desperate

to get the fuck out of the country again. And I saw Flyer for the Real World like come audition for this show. And I ended up getting, I mean, you just keep coming back and back and they interview and interview you. And they're like, we want you to do road rules instead. And I was like, do I get to travel?

Great, because I was living in a closet in San Francisco with like five other roommates. I was so broke, I had no money, and I just wanted to get the fuck out and travel. And here's a secret to getting on a reality show if anybody's listening. This is the fucking ultimate secret. In your final interview, you have to cry.

You fucking have to cry. And I knew it, because they brought in this psychologist lady, and she was like, tell me, tell me about your mother, and you don't like your mom. You don't tell me what your sister did in math and this and that. And I was like, oh, this bitch wants me to cry. And then I fucking totally did.

I just started crying. I was like, oh, I'm on the road rule now. And then I got it, and it was great. And I took a semester off of college to do the show. We went to Australia for two months. And it was innocent. It was an innocent time for reality shows. It's not like it is now where these fucking assholes

are lighting themselves on fire and for a fucking free bicycle. They asked me to do a challenge when I was 28 or something. I'm like, why would I? I can buy things now. I don't need to fucking light myself on fire. They still do that show. I didn't realize it.

Which one? I hate it. It's a challenge with all the people from real world. And I used to watch it when I was in middle school and high school, because it's been on for 20-something years, close to that. And there's these people who do physical challenges. There's a guy CT from Boston, when I grew up in Boston.

I thought he was the coolest guy ever. I find out like now, like 10 years later, that he's still doing these ridiculous events to win like $20,000. Yeah, it doesn't have the same spirit of the show, because there's this woman, Marielle of Buna Murray, who was the creator of the show. And she came from a soap opera background.

So she would cast people that were really interesting and dynamic and actually had lives. And then they would come together. But then they just started, when she passed away, John Murray just hired a bunch of hot retards. It was always like, we're just going to hook up in the hot tub and get wasted. And that's, I think, why the shows got worse and worse.

I don't even watch the real world. Is it on anymore? I don't know that. And I loved it. And I watched it for, I love reality shows. I fucking watch other war shows. I love them. But it really bums me out.

The voting people off and all that mean spirited shit that's not how it started. I only watched the real world a year. The kid had age. Cuban kid, 93, 94, Pedro. And then the chick was cute, and she started dating Puck. Yeah, Puck, I know Puck. I know Puck.

I met him out here at the Commies store, yeah. But that chick was banging. I had a crush on that little innocent-looking bitch from Arizona. She was like, I'm spaying you. Oh, yeah, I remember that. She remember she hated Puck, and then they ended up fucking. That's always how it is.

Everybody was pissed off at Puck. Fucking and his chick was innocent. But I bet that chick was hot. That's the only year I watch. I don't watch reality shows. I watch Doug Dynasty, three or four episodes. I like when they fucking ate dinner at the end instead of prayer.

Yeah, it's like the Waltons. Yeah, like the Waltons. I like the old guy. The dad, the one that hates gay people. You know, as anti-PC as that is. Like, that's who that guy is. That's who he is. You're not going to fucking change an old dude.

What do you care if he hates gays? You don't have to watch him. Who can? What do you care? You're a fat fuck. You love. We love those fucking shows about food. Oh, I love that stuff, too.

Diners, dives, that motherfucker. You can watch him for two hours sitting there. He just got fired, right? And is that Richmond? No, no, no, the guy for you. No, they're putting Richmond's show on NBC. What? They're putting it on there.

He's just saying nothing wrong, though. They're just fucking people. That's sensitive. See, and that's going back to the Carson era, the time when people could just fucking say what they really felt about stuff. There was no Twitter, though, to crucify them over it. You know what I mean?

I'm sure Johnny Carson called people cons left and right. It's really amazing how sensitive people are. I'm surprised any athlete is allowed to have Twitter. There's always a scandal every couple of months, and it just happened yesterday with an old coach. I'm surprised any of them do it. It's just so easy to piss someone off in 140 characters. That's scary, dude.

Let me give some shout outs real quick. Get this fucking party started here, you know what I'm saying? OK. All right, my man, man, Nick Pompa, Neal Savage, Vicks Berg, Jesse Wright, my girl, Joey Rookland, looking bad at a motherfucker, John Shaw, John Keats, and Chris Cruz. I love you, motherfuckers.

I said, where's the music? Why are these people? Are these your listeners? These are people who fucking send me shit on Twitter or Facebook. That's nice. You're going to get these people shot top. They support your show and make them feel nice. OK.

Oh, shit. Isn't this a big daddy game? Hey, my husband just met him. No, this is raw, right? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Goal-ing, goal-ing, wiggle-ing, goal-ing, goal-ing, goal-ing, goal-ing.

So Wednesday night, bitches, what the fuck you want? What are you doing? What are you going to do? Watch TV, sit there, and fucking pet the dog like a fucking half a bag. Fuck it, it's Wednesday night. You're up, you're late. Who gives a fuck about work tomorrow?

You're getting paid Friday, not Thursday. Fuck them in the ass. What? Fuck them in the ass. Constantine Reign, you're fucking up, cock sucker. You're lucky I love you over there in Germany with those fucking neo-Nazis you're running with. So we got Christine, whatever you fucking last night.

Pajets, yeah. This catapult's kicking in. Oh, I'm fucking hot. You want to put the air on for two minutes? Sure. What the fuck? Put the air on for two minutes, who gives a shit? So you're in Ontario, California this week.

Ontario, yeah, Ontario, California at the Ontario Improv this week. They actually got my husband and I to do a week together, which is very rare. So if you want to see Tom Segura and myself do jokes. This whole weekend? Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The Thursday show is not there for some reason.

Now, who goes up first? You go up there for some reason. Now everyone ask that. You go up there and throw some heat in front of your eyes. You're going to fuck his world up. I'll tell you what. Make him stutter a little bit. I think what we're going to do, I think we're going to flip

a coin. I think that's the best way to do it. So nobody gets weird. What do you think? Well, it's five shows. Split it down the middle and flip a coin for who gets the third show to head on. OK.

So just go to pick them and just go, we'll flip a coin for Sunday. Sunday sucks, yeah. Sunday. That's the one that bothers me. Me too. It is the Lord's Day. You should be home.

It irritates the shit out of me. If I'm home, I don't mind working on a terry. He's fucking got to drive 80 miles. But Sunday is the day that it just irritates the fuck out of me, because I don't want to fly Monday morning. Sores, too. The last thing you ever want to do in this lifetime

is fly Monday morning. Monday morning is just confusion. Monday and Tuesday morning is still fucked up. Did they blow up the World Trade Center Tuesday? Probably, I think so. Monday's and Tuesday's, I don't like it. I had a drug dealer friend. He used to always go, don't know.

And I don't want to get that complicate. That means don't do shit on Tuesday, because you complicate yourself. That was the kid. That's true. In 83, he told me that quote. So I would never make a move on a Tuesday. OK.

I would always say, I'm coming to pick the coke up. I'll be there tomorrow, not on Tuesday. I don't do deals on Tuesdays. Can I, can we ask you, I've been dying to ask you this step. How much more time do we have? I don't know if we want to. We don't give a fuck. OK.

Do it. What, what, what? What was your childhood like? Like, who the hell? Who is Joey Diaz? Where did you come from? How are you like this? To be a really good comic, to do anything in your life,

you have to have a point of, you don't give a fuck. Yeah. You don't give a fuck. This was not who I was when I was 12. I was very anal. My family was like this. My mother was very, I don't give a fuck situation. You know what I'm saying?

Like, my mom would buy a first class ticket on a plane, and she took a bottle out and mixed her own drinks. And if you look at her, she'd go, bitch, my money's as green as yours. Get the fuck around. Turn around. I can fucking business. I knew it.

I would sit there looking straight ahead in this chair. I mean, she caused problems everywhere. But that was her mentality. She was a speck. This is my fucking money. Fuck you. You know, don't look at me. Right away, they want to judge you.

We want to fucking judge you, you know? You know, what's hurt? Was she an immigrant, or? Yeah, she was an immigrant. So that mentality was in my house growing up. I just didn't appreciate it. I didn't like it. I didn't care for it.

I did everything I could to run away from the guanimo mentality of men. The possession, the jealousy, the control. I'm still semi-controlling. But that other shit that comes with it, I erase that. I still have the rage. You see, my blood, that fucking Cuban, that Spanish blood, is still in your heart, you know?

So what I did was, when my mother died, I had to do a die situation. How old were you when she passed away? 15, 16. So I had to do a die situation, OK? It was a sink or swim situation. Either my attitude was going to change. Five years ago, I told you it was when I became a man.

No, it wasn't. I was very, it was when I became a scared little boy. You know? That's why I got into drugs. That's why I stole. That's why I sold drugs. That's why I did 10 million bad things at that age for like six or seven years

until I finally got arrested. I did a bunch of bad, more shit after I came out. I just paid my sins and, you know, I cut a deal and that was it, you know, I cut a deal with myself. But I met this family, the Runnies. And Mike Runney is a guy, I still talk to him. I talked to him Saturday and he was pissed off because he had a driver.

He had to work Saturday night and he was a manager and a fucking whatever. But it was weird. His mentality was like I was raised. And he was the only person in his house that had that. I don't give a fuck mentality. They say one more word and I'll put you through that fucking wall.

Fuck him tomorrow. Go down in the mall and be the best you can. You know, he had that craziness. And that's what took over. And I lost that for a while. Rogan always discusses that when he first met me, I wasn't funny. He goes, you were the last thing but funny.

Really? And he goes, and then one day the fucking switch turned down. And it was the day that I knew I wasn't going to Montreal. I knew I wasn't going to get APA or CAA or three arts to go. Oh my God, he's brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I knew all these things. The lab factory didn't make me a regular.

There was just, I wouldn't get invited to a lot of things. So I knew what my demeanor was. So I said, if you're not going to like me, I might as well do this my motherfucking way. And I did that for a while. Even though I was coped up and I was a little scared, moments of balls would come out. Like when I got to the longest yard,

when I sent the envelope in for Spider-Man 2, when I told the guy on the hardest commercial to go fuck himself, because there was no breaking on the truck. And he thought it was me and he yelled at me. And I told him, no fucking yelling at me, cock sucker. And the whole crew stopped, because he was like an international director. You don't say that shit to me.

That was 2009. And those were the things that I was like, that's it. This Hollywood shit is ending now. Like after I went off on Jeff Valdez at that and Marilyn Martinez says, that was it. When I walked in my car, I remember looking at dice and Johnny Sanchez's face as I walked out the comedy store and they saw something.

And I'm like, that's the guy I used to be. That's the guy I want to come back. I was raised with a mentality that my little daughter is smacking, some reason she's at that age. She pets the cats and they become smacks. The other day she had twisted my face at the park and I had a yell at her. And today she hit my wife.

My wife didn't say that and I attacked it. That's a deal. That's the Valdez mentality. My mentality is stop these motherfuckers the way they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. If they would have stopped Hitler in Munich, if I would say to you, hey, Christine, your tits are banging today.

If you don't say, listen, you spit fat motherfucker. How about I go fuck your dick up in the ass? How about I call your fucking wife your fat motherfucker? If you don't say that, if you don't say that, you're done. I'm gonna eat you alive. I'm gonna eat you alive in this society. In today's society, if you're a woman, this is what I'm gonna teach my wife, my daughter.

This is what my wife knows. When I was a kid, I dated this girl and she was kind of a fucking whore. But she had good pussy. I ate her pussy. She sucked tremendous dick. She let me put Coke rocks in her ass. And this was way back in 84,

people were just starting to put Coke rocks in people's assholes and she let me pioneer that fantasy just to see the Coke rock melt in your assholes tremendously. It's like a fucking, when you put a spoon in a, when you put a drug in a spoon, you put that lighter in there and it just dissolves. Same way, there's a pussy's moist. Once that Coke can't hit you,

it's like, ah. Is that good for her that she get high? I'm assuming that. That doesn't do it, man. I don't give a fuck about that. I want some on my tongue. I want to tell people I ate some Coke with fucking rocks on it, you know what I'm saying?

What was my point? Anybody know my point? Oh, being a woman with your daughter. Grabbing your nuts. So, the point being that I was with her at a bar one night in 1980, in summer, like July of 83, 84, like 30 years ago we were at a bar one night and I went to the bathroom to do a bump.

And when I came back, there was a dude that dripped from head to toe with booze on him. Like saying, you're crazy. And she's like, next time I tell you to see this taken, go fuck yourself. You're following me. That was a girl from the neighborhood. When I went to the bathroom, some guy told me he was cute

and tried to sit down next to him. She told him, no, they got in here. She threw his fucking drink on his face. That's all school shit. I moved here with Carol, dirty fucking horse tripper. I took it down to the impromptu. I got up to go to the bathroom, I come back, Jackie Flynn sitting next to her,

and they talking, Jackie get up. That's the first time I met Jackie Flynn, get up. Well, you don't know, don't make me get this fucking chair. I hit you with it eight fucking times. That was my first meeting ever with like Jackie Flynn when he was, they all ran together. White, Steve White, they were all managed by that same manager, the improv, 1997.

I shouldn't have had to say that to that fucking guy. Do you follow what I'm saying? Right, yeah. A real woman, that's a woman. That girl in Jersey, I was 21 at the time. She threw the glass at the fucking dude. That's a woman. Don't say anything.

But now in society, oh my God. Isn't that, what the fuck, what the fuck are you talking about? The other day that happened at Marie's TC. You were sitting there, that creepy dude that's always there, make him believe he's a writer. Yeah, some chicken with a book and she fucking, she read, she took it out and the guy's like, what book are you reading?

That's Gentile shit. That's Sherman Oaks type shit, yeah. What book are you reading? That is Gentile shit. And she looked at him, dog, and she went, does it matter? You understand me? That's abroad. What are you doing?

It shakes me. And then I got kids up and comes up, I read it like, get the fuck out of here. You know what I learned? I just did this show with Marlon Wands. It's called Funniest Wins on TBS. And I hung out with a lot of black people filming it. And I learned, who was telling me, one of the black comics,

this dude was like, white girls are so different than black girls because a black woman won't fucking talk to you if she's not really interested in you. You know what I'm saying? A white woman will talk to you even if she's not interested in you sexually. Black girl won't even, woman will be like, fuck the fuck out of my face.

I'm like, God, I kind of like that. I think I should adopt that. I mean, I'm pretty much dismissive and public of other people, you know? Just because I don't want dudes talking to me. But I really like that. I really respect that. You know what I'm saying, guys have to act like that.

That's how we act like as a man. I pull you aside. I'll have to be a fucking gorilla. I go, Lee, do me a favor. You ever say that to me? Again, I'm gonna smack you in the face. And then I put my hand down and we shake hands. And we haven't understand it.

Yeah. And if you want to be cute again, I'm gonna smack you in the fucking mouth. Now you know, I warned you. That's how I grew up. I grew up with guys that go, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, before you made that comment, the next time that happens, we're gonna box his men, okay?

And you look there, I couldn't believe a man would say that to me. It's crazy. And he puts his hand on you, put your hand on. Now we know where we fucking stand. That's the school of mine I'm from. Say that to one of these fucking faggot Gentiles in Hollywood, fucking at the party with Jay Davis.

Say one of these fucking faggy fucking comments that, you know. Hipsters. Hipsters, you know. Alternative. Then that's how men talk. That's how men talk. I have my sights on a few comics that when I see them,

I'm gonna pull them aside and go, can I talk to you for a second? There was a certain day I saw you, but there was people there and you made that remark. What did you mean by that? I've always been a gentleman to you. It insulted me. Did you, were you trying to be cute?

And from that reaction right there, my hand stays right here. Because if it's a fucked up reaction, the salami comes right up and smacks it. And right there when you're telling somebody that, when they don't expect to see it, their body is, they don't even know what the fuck's going on.

Cause that's how I was raised. I talked to you when you told me about that. When I got the call from Red Band that you were drinking, I called you like a man. I said, you're my brother. I don't care how you live your life, but you can't do that here. And drink and drive here.

It's 2013. I'll retire to you if you get a DUI. Do I smack you now or do I throw you under the fucking jail and sick 10 black dicks up your ass? I wish I had like a fucking spitball that connected big black dead dicks that they shot. It's a great idea. They just shot them at people.

And a dick would come at them and just fucking hit them in the face. I love it. We got to fucking get an inventor out there on Twitter. We got like big black dicks to shoot them at people. Where was your father? My father died when I was three. Shit.

So you basically orphaned by the age of 15. I orphaned at 15. And after that, I had no parental, no parental. I ran my own shit. You're kidding. So nobody raised you. I moved in with a friend's family. I stayed there for a year and a half.

I moved in for another friend's family. Stayed there for a year and a half. And that was it. Once, I've been a no man since September of 82. I have been solo and I was 18 years old. Jesus. Paying my own bills, no clothes, apartment, shoes. I got a little help and everything else.

I got my rock, I got jobs to fill in the fucking gaps. But you know, this was a, and God threw me a fucking bone and threw comedy in my life. Something, you know, when you have nothing to lose, you got to try everything. Yes. Got nothing to lose, guys. Got to try everything.

Who the fuck are you? You know, so I got into this. And hustle, you hustled. It sounds like you learned how to hustle and care for yourself very quickly. You do what you got to do, right? If you're not hustling, you're a god. I know, I know.

And today's society, you got to hustle. There's no jobs. There's no jobs. We're going to sit at home and go, there's no job, not. You got to go out there and put two until you get it. You got to invent the combination. You know, you got to buy those wipes from, You got to invent the black dick paper.

No, you got to get the dollar shave club. Oh. Got to get the dollar shave. The old Charlie's. Those are great. Have you used them? What, tremendous. They're like a nice men's-

Did you use them on your vagina or on your asshole? No, on my asshole. Now, here's my problem. Maybe you guys can help me with it. When I take a shit, not all the time, but a lot of the times now, I have to go straight to the shower after the shit. Cause there's so much clean up.

Like it's a never ending wipe. And sometimes I wipe and then later on the day, I'll go back and there's still brown there. And I don't know, like what's wrong with my butthole? That happens to me. And your asshole gets itchy as fuck. It always happens to me. Before I go to bed.

Oh. And I jump in the shower. So they had an itchy asshole like a mother fucker. I got to sneak into the bathroom, pull my pants down, get the toilet paper. Stick the toilet paper in my ass. I'm a big brown spot, so I toilet paper. I'm 50 fucking years old.

That's why I have the one more of Charlie's. I keep it on top of the toilet. No, when I wipe my ass, then I dry it with the fuck and whatever. And you stick that finger deep in there. You get the barnacles. You're beautiful. You're brand new.

But every once in a while, it's like your shit don't stop. And like at least the heat makes the, and once it's hot out and that shit touches your asshole with that salty sweat. Yeah. They're going to be in roots when they're fucking in the boat sweating

and dying and smelling. Cause an asshole would salt on it and fucking sweat. You know, that sweaty salt, plus the fucking shit, the shit burns. Oh. Yeah. So that's why every time you work. I'm sorry about this, people, but let's discuss it.

That's why it would tell me like, you have to lick a girl's asshole, you have to let a girl lick your asshole. I'm like, that can never be ever clean enough. But I'm not going to tell a girl to lick my asshole. I'm going to feed her. I go on and tell her, guess what they had to make this week.

Nobody's licking your guys' asshole. Wait, wait, wait. But guess what, guess what was that? Vegas this week, I'm in my third room. A fucking bidet. I love, I want a bidet. I want one. I'm going to get it right away.

Let me tell you something. I'm going to get a bidet company, the fucking sponsor podcast, I could sell those. If somebody installs them for $9.95 plus a plumber. Oh yeah. You guys have no idea what the difference of a day with that. They're doing it over in Japan,

where you take the shit and it washes your ass automatically. That's great. Before the shit even hits the water. You know, and that's what it is. A thousand little guns with water. This was a war. And I had a bidet in Jersey in my mother's house. In that house where I bidet.

And I would take the shit and turn it up a day on. But if you turn it on too fast, it hits in the face. It goes out too fast, yeah. Now does your wife, is she aware of your bowel movements and your, like do you have an open door policy when you take a shit or is it closed door? I don't want nobody in the bathroom watching me shit or smelling that nightmare.

I can imagine. I don't want to smell nobody's shit. I don't mind like walking by and going, Christine. Yeah. You fuck that motherfucker. Right. You know, I don't mind giving somebody credit but credit is due.

Thank you. I can't take my teeth and comb my hair and then yell out and go, it smells like shit in there. Well, you went in there. Fuck this woman. You don't see me going in there. I'll put you before you.

If you don't take a shit, let me know. That's the deal. I do that, yeah. If you don't take a shit, let me know. So I get everything. Just in case I got a ticket to jump in the shower. I don't know walking in there. But there's a lot of times she jumps in the shower at 8.30

and from 8.40 to about 8.52. That's my prime ass all the way up. That's coffee. That's coffee. That's the fruit and that's the breakfast. After that piece of wheat bread, my ass was singing jack. Like a doctor.

And I go and I fuck it up. And I like when it just falls out. Like it's like limbs. Like it's like arms falling out of your asshole. And you can hear him hitting the, bah, bah. And I like when they, like you fill it up and then it hits the metal.

And it just sits there like 18 Vietnamese vets laying on top of each other. And the shit all over, like going this way and cross way. Then you flush it and the shit don't go down. So you gotta get toilet paper, push it down. Nope, not my experience. I can't even imagine the dumps you take.

Oh my God. Are they bigger than your head? I can't, what do you think? Sometimes I look at them and I like, I'll count out four feet of shit. Really? In 12 inch intervals. No.

I took a picture. I took one. How big was the question mark? Oh God. You tweeted that one on Twitter. I saw that one. I think I congratulated you. That had to be 30 inches.

That monster. Wow. And before that, it was like a 12 inch and 18 inches that I flushed. Wiped a little bit and then sat back down. And when that one came out, I was like, damn, what the fuck have I been eating? Now, do you fart in front of your wife?

Oh yeah. She farted in front of me too. Yes, that's real love. I don't give a fuck. I was farting up on the plane back from Vegas last weekend. And the plane was empty, but right away these douchebags want to sit around. So I'll give it to you.

I'll give it to you. Plane farts are the best because the sound of the engine camouflages anything. And it could be anybody. It could be you. It could be the girl next to you. Fart, who knows? The best person I've ever killed with farts

on a plane is Joe Rogan. I have destroyed him to the point where I've woken him up. And he's looked at me like half asleep. Duh, what the fuck is that? He'll put his shirt on. He wrote a blog about one time when I farted on a plane. And he goes, he'll woke to the smell. Like what?

Antonio Banderas was teaching black kids how to dance. I fucking like my ass. I woke him up from fucking, because we got to catch that six a.m. flight. I got two breakfasts in me already. By eight thirty, my ass holds on fire. My bad. I'm not big for taking a shit.

Let me ask you this. Go ahead. I have to change the subject. So you go into a town. You go to San Francisco. You get there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You come back Sunday morning. Now while you're in San Francisco, you shit, correct?

Oh yeah. You should play. But as soon as, this is my thing. Like I shit, like I shit in Vegas this week. I was there a day and a half. I shit two times, three times. When I take a shower, when I come home unpack, throw my clothes in the hamper, put the suitcase away,

put out the sleep-battening machine. When I'm putting the sleep-battening machine, like my stomach is already hurting. I do the same thing every time I come home. That's why I don't take auditions after a flight, nothing. You can't. It's not gonna work for me. You're just wrecked.

It's not gonna work for me. I do the same thing. In my room, my wife knows I go in my room, I take the clothes out, put the suitcase away. I get naked, I go on the computer, make sure there's no late stuff. Then I get naked and I take a shit that, even let's say I wake up that morning,

it's like my asshole holds it back. It's like in these hotel rooms, my asshole thinks it's being watched. So he just drops like an 18-inch of here, a 14-inch of there, a 10-inch here. I'll drop a couple of threes, but that's it. But when I get home, my ass knows. It knows, yeah.

So I will take a shit that is so 40, 50 inches. And that's the one that baffles me because I'm like my intestines have been holding back. It feels like they've been cheating you. And the evening comes out, it even comes out still. Like a lasso, it comes out like with the intestine thing carved into them and it's disgusting. Now I have the opposite experience.

When I'm in the hotel rooms, I find myself being freer, I shit more. It's road ass too, because I'll make bad decisions with my food. That's when I eat the nachos and the stuff and then I really shit. Oh no, no, I'm good on the road. And I think the apples from the lobby and shit,

I'm a fucking savage. Gotta eat those apples, those apples are pulling right through. Let me read from our sponsors real quick. These shit stories are very interesting. We should get together more often. And just do a fucking complete anatomy of, you know. I love talking about this stuff. I don't know why.

I just like it. And I've had three or four women eat my asshole. That's not Joey. I picked up my fucking ankles and I've heard them lap that motherfucker. That was his one chick I used to give a coke wrap to and I would grab it by the front of the hair and go go under and I'd just put her under

and she would lick it and she would lick my ball sack and I would fucking hit it in the top of my head with a dick and she would sniff my helmet and I would lick it. Oh my God. These women were animals. And it was disgusting. The first time she ate my ass, she actually told me to turn around and I was like, not.

In a million fucking years, tell me what's on your mind. She's like, I like eating guys assholes. Oh my God. I washed it and I washed my ass. I washed everything I did in the shower. Just don't roll in the bathroom, wash your ass, don't come out.

And I couldn't believe it. That's the first time somebody did it. Well, you washed it. I didn't know that you were washing beforehand. So that's fine. Yeah, I'm very decent. That's fine. I didn't know if you would go like all day

and then at the end of the day, like that's fucking cool. I won't even stab my wife if I'm not clean completely. I gotta take a shower. I'm the same way. And I gotta watch her take a shower. You gotta watch her. Sometimes I'll tell her don't wash your monkey till I want that original.

Oh my. Get Joe live, Joey. I don't want the crispy. I want the original. You like original flavors, yeah. Like it's one day of flavoring or you like, how much flavor? A night, like let's say you wash your pussy

at 10 at night, you go to bed. It's perfect. At about 6.30, if you got a nice woman, her pH balance is good. That pussy is perfect at fucking 6.30. You just take that thong off, open it up and it's ready for you. It's got a little mist on it, a little dupe, no problem.

You sniffed that motherfucker out of me. I've known you for three years. The fact that you said and no pH balance. Like I would never. He's a kind of sewer. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Yeah. Do you think you're dealing with some fucking kid

at the deli with a hat with a propeller on top? Oh my God. You're a mad fucking flavor here, dog. But you don't wash your ass every time she ate it. Every fucking time. That's disgusting. That's still not clean enough. You should be washing your ass three times a day,

just in case you bump into somebody who wants to eat your ass. What if you woke up right now and there's a chick that's hot and out, are you busy right now? For 20 bucks, I will swallow your fuck. I will take every pubic hair out of your asshole and suck each pore out.

That's how much I roll. What would you do? No, no, no, you're gonna go fuck. You're gonna be in bags, you're a decent Jewish kid. You're not gonna say suck my ass or I've been showered since the fuck. Did you shower after the gym today? Yes.

Okay. Man, you got it. There's that fucking ass mixes with the sweat. It's a different dimension. I can't even imagine what your butthole is like. Listen to me. I wash myself before I go to the gym. That's how decent I am.

I take a shower before I go to the gym too. I don't ever want to insult somebody with my body over. Your breath, your fucking ears, there's nothing you can do. You know what I'm saying? I want the same respect towards me. You brush your teeth, you use the listerine, you do the best you can.

You're still gonna have nicotine or whatever fuck. You smoke reefer or some ass on your breath. But you gotta respect your body and respect other fucking people. I know I can't have you coming into my airspace smelling like a fucking goat. You're just fucking offensive. You're offending everybody, man.

Tommy and I were on TGI Fridays in Hartford, Connecticut this week and the waitress had the worst BO of anybody I'd ever smelled. She would walk away and then it was like a three second countdown and then it would just hit us. I was eating some broccoli cheddar soup

and I was like, oh, I couldn't even finish. It was disgusting. The theory, I think it was the uniform was old. You know what, maybe you shouldn't have watched it. That broccoli cheese soup might not have been old. Don't blame it on the waitress. I'm a fat dude and I know at times, especially when I was doing belong,

I had a little wank to me. I didn't know this until the end. You got little pockets in your fat. That's what some heavy dudes do. She was skinny. Skinny young girl. Oh yeah, you know these fucking Gentiles, they're animals.

They want to save on soap and shit. Gotta wash your pussy. You're a woman, you gotta wash. You gotta wash your pussy. You gotta wash that pussy. Listen, I like a pussy when a girl runs. I like a little sweaty monkey. They used to be a girl in the Williams here

that would work out with no undies on because you would see the clip fucking get wet. You would see the stripe of her pussy from the inside. She would sweat from the inside and her armpits, she was beautiful when she had long hair in their armpits. She didn't shave her armpits, that's disgusting. I didn't know if she wear a deodorant or not,

but I saw the pussy sweating and that turned me on. That turned me on. I sat there like fucking drooling. Like I like to taste that with some hair. Like it's gotta have hair. Are you classic flavors like that? Like you like hair? Yeah, I want it to have a little hair.

The hair gives it the Greek salad, okay? Gives it that fucking... You were just talking about an onion. It smells like that onion. I like that little light onion. Little tanged. Like just a little light onion. Once it gets too oniony, right above the clip

with a mat where it looks like a fucking bug's head. You know, right there where sometimes it looks like a what's that dog that's got a wrinkle forehead? A pug, a pug. She's got a good clip. It squishes up like it's been punched. This is like listening to seventh grade boys. This is the best.

This is just like junior high school. I like nuts when they're clean. I love when Tommy has fresh, fresh nuts. Are the best. Fresh junk. Fresh junk. You know what family is. Yeah, go ahead.

I did something yesterday morning. I got up, took a shower, I ate breakfast and I did something. Oh! I walked with the baby and when I got back, it was hot. So before acupuncture, I said let me take a fucking shower. That's the least I could do for Dr. Amy. That's my Jew girl.

I took a shower, I put the coconut in the scrub. So you smell like something. And then I got to take off your shirt. I like that too. I go in, I took the shirt off. When I got in, it was two o'clock. Last night was 11, 30, quarter to 12. I was drinking coffee, I was right.

I go, you know what? I took a shower at one. I'm gonna take a, I took a shower at one. It's 11, 30, quarter to 12. I'm not gonna hit the bed dirty. And I took my clothes off, took my t-shirt off and I walked through the shower and naked with my little flip-flops on and shit.

And when I got to the shower, I had an itch in my nutsack and I picked my leg up. And what I felt wasn't sweat, it's that, it's like spam, the spray shit mixed with like, it was thick. And I remember I grabbed some of it and I even snuck and it was tremendous. I mean, for me it was, it had that bam.

It smelled like bacon when it's, when it's boar. You ever get bacon but it's really boar? That's what, and I was like, fucking 10 hours without taking a shower and not exercise. And this is what came out of my nutsack. My asshole was clean. I was shiny, sparkle. I hadn't taken a shit.

My asshole was MIA. There was nothing there but just this grab this right here. It was like, I could feel the humidity. Like a sack of, I could have put it on a pan and then I got nobody would have known. A ball sack fucking egg in your house. I tell you, I don't get skieved out easily. That was fun.

But no, no, no, no, but I don't understand. What if I went to take a shower from eight in the morning? I'm most these fucking babooshes walk around. Cause most of these fucking gentiles leave the house at seven and they'll go home, not take a shower, go to a jet to it, that rotten ass. And then go home and go to a bar and talk to women and expect why they don't get laid.

I can't get it. Well, maybe because you fucking smell like a fucking animal. Yeah. Did your wife ever see these smells or experienced the smells of your balls you were just talking about? Yeah, my balls smell.

I don't have my wife around there. Good for you. I appreciate that respect. No, I love my wife. Good for you. And I like when she has like, I don't want to say a dirty pussy, but I like when it's got some wine.

Little musk. Little musk, not wrong. How do you like that monkey? Wait. I just got in like when I was younger and had to be totally shavin' but recently I don't mind it as much. Not a lot.

It's a little bit like a patch. Do you ever smell the patch? It doesn't have to be. It can be all over, but it's not too like bushy. Leave me all over. It's got leprosy, it's got to be pulled out.

No, no, it could be like not just a patch. It's got to be in a certain, it can have a patch up here. No, no, no. I'm saying there's a patch. And then there's when they just like, what I do, what I just trim it. So you like a patch?

I like everything now. Doesn't matter. Do you sniff the patch ever? Just put your nose in it. No, you'll ask me. I never sniffed it. I mean, I smell it, but it's- How deep do you smell it?

I mean, how deep is your love? I don't know. How deep is your love? It's your love, something. Of your snatch, smell it. I mean, in that month, or you just smell it in your room and lick it and don't smell it.

No, I mean, you're licking it, you gotta smell it. Yeah, you smell it, but I don't go in there just for the purpose of smelling it. Like it sounds like you get in there, like you're like a wine connoisseur and like take a deep breath.

When you eat a steak. Yeah. Don't you smell it? I must have been doing it wrong. That's the whole thing. When you get into that fucking monkey about right before you lick it, you hesitate, your neck hesitates.

And you don't go like a fucking asshole and embarrass him. It's like a sword. It goes in your mouth and your nose. This is so ridiculous. It does. It goes in your nose and your mouth. You just do it. And you don't even do that.

That's too loud. And you'll feel like your baseball player smelling the dirt or like that's what it's like. And you know, and then you get in there, you're licking it and you're scum. Different situations, you know what I'm saying? You're scum. But I like all that shit.

That's so fucking bizarre. I love it. What the fuck? This is what you're saying. We don't talk about this every week. What are you talking about? If you want to be fucking good, you gotta be bad.

You're not going to eat a girl's pussy, stay at missionary. She's not going to call you again. That's so true. You gotta get in there, pick that leg up and eat that fucking ass and try to flip over and pull it by the wigwam Let me get another solo.

We don't mind my brother. We're wonderful. Whatever you got over there, we gotta. Let me give a shout out. So you have to do your reeds. Sorry. I derailed it. No worries here.

You know my fucking reeds. I derailed it. I derailed it. It's Wednesday night. Why fuck around? If I tell you once, I gotta tell you again. On it, for all your supplements who needs.

But what I want to say is they're more than a fucking supplement. They're a way of life. They're a lifestyle. They're tremendous. They get the most out of you. Don't fuck around. Look at me.

I'm a fucking savage. Fuck. But on it has done a lot of good for me. The alpha brain is tremendous. The shroom tech is tremendous. The fucking strong bonus. In fact, I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna hit my fan, my buddy up down there

and send me some more product. I'm running low. Why fuck around? Be the best you can be. Take a chance. Columbus did. All right. Just fucking on it, right?

Take a chance. Columbus did. Right? What would we be if Columbus did? Your brain. I love your mind. Where would we be if Columbus said that I'm playing video games?

Nowhere. We'd be nowhere. We'd be getting fucked in the ass by Indians. We're fucking long feathers. On it. Go to On It page and press. Church. CHURCH.

CH, get 10% off your order. Keep getting 10% off. Get put on the list. Get on the Stay On It program. I'm not gonna fucking around. This is optimization. We're talking about. I'm a little fucked up.

But I know what I'm talking about. You understand me? I'm gonna try it. I like this. Yeah, you want the best out of you? Go to fuckingonit.com and look at Alpha Brain. If you don't fucking like it,

send it back. We'll send you your money back. That's how On It's not here to steal your fucking money. We're not some fly-by-night vitamin company. They ain't fucking around. They're down there in Austin making things happen. Look at their page. Read what they got to offer.

If I told you what they got to offer, it just sounds fucking stupid. It's not my world. Go to onit.com. Read what they got to offer. The things I recommend, Alpha Brain. Tremendous if you want to run on all cylinders. If you're waking up and people tell you you're fucking stupid,

Alpha Brain won't help you. You're fucking stupid. But if you're having a bad day, you can't think. Alpha Brain is for you. If you don't like it, you send it back and you get your fucking gears back, all right? One, two, three, one time you could do it. You didn't have to send the product back.

My next fucking thing that, my girl was asking me about, there's nothing better than nature box out there. If you're trying to get healthy and you want to eat nutritious facts late night or at work, you don't have to spend money in the fucking fending machine. You're gonna go on a 7-Eleven deal with fucking Abdar, those fucking, those middle,

those 7-Elevens are becoming fucking Arab concentration camps. You're buying that fucking, those pizzas and shit, those fucking Hindus with that fucking pizza. Stop, Hindus don't make fucking pizza. Okay, stop it. You're insulting who the fuck I am now. You don't see me selling curry. Stop with the fucking pizza

and the fucking chicken wings got suckered. Stick to what, you know, Marlboro, six pack of bars and some fucking wine to fuck the fact that lives upstairs with the fucking ass, all right? I don't know what the time we get. We're talking about nature box. Naturebox.com, nutritionist approved.

The calories, protein, I love nature box. You understand me? I fucking love it. Let me tell you what they got here. Because I'm not giving you people fucking justice and that's wrong. That's fucking wrong, all right? Let me put it this way, all right?

Am I gonna say something right? You ready for this? You should be snacking more. You need to be snacking more, all right? You even find snacks that are low in sugar, non-GMO and they gluten free and they ship for free. Did you know that? Sweet potato five, sweet blueberry fucking almond.

The white and black granola is tremendous. Listen, I wouldn't fuck with you. Naturebox.com, promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. Stay full, stay fucking strong. You want your dick to work. If you're sitting there like a momo eating fucking potato chips,

it's gonna over ruin your liver and that's, it's over for you. What I'm trying to say is go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey and stay strong, and you know what? I'm gonna give you 50% off your first month's order. Who does that for you? You think I was just gonna give you a promo code

and that's it, let you go away. 50% off. Who gives you 50% off? God fuck this. Who? Tell me who. Nobody, you understand me? Nobody.

I do the same with Hulu Plus. They're giving you $7.99 a month on the fucking commercial. What do I give? I give an extra two fucking weeks. When was the last time you met somebody who sucked your asshole for two weeks and then charged you two weeks late? That's right Joey.

Nobody does that in this economy no more. So cold out there for a pen. Even though you're trying to get the money for the rent. You know what I'm saying? Also for you vapor smokers who have vapor pens and you wanna try and fucking be different, you wanna hang out with your buddies and be a jack-off. Nailed it.

Nailed it. Nailed it at Life.com. They're my buddies, Peter and David. I love these motherfuckers with all my heart. They got the best fucking pen out there in the market that don't fuck around. They'll mail it to you, mention us, and you get 20% off your first order.

What's the webpage? Nailed it at Life.com. Nailed it at Life.com. Call the 800 number. David and fucking Peter there. They'll answer the fuck. They know shit, you know? They got all the answers.

They got all the fucking answers, fuck suckers. So I don't know if you live in the area. I don't know what the fuck you're doing this weekend. My main girl here, I'm so happy you came in. Thank you for having me. We're not wrapping up yet. I'm just trying to get all the shit. Oh, okay.

She's gonna be in Ontario improv with her husband. Oh, and? May I plug another one? It's the best fucking dollars you ever spent in your life. You're gonna love us. You understand me? $22 fucking dollars.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What's the number down in Ontario, ladies? 909-666-666. That's 909-582-2361. That's 909-484-5454-11. There you go. All right, and what is it? 989-484-5411.

Also, guys, if you're in the Pasadena area, come see me August 9th at the Ice House. I'm doing the side room to show 730 and 930. Come out, because you know why? Don't fuck around. These are the same people you guys love, but don't fuck around, all right? You're doing two shows.

730 and 930 on a Saturday or Friday night? No, that's a Saturday night in a small room. And the reason I like that small room is because you can really let your nuts hang. I'm gonna say some real shit. It's gonna get fucking weird, because I like it that way. So come and watch some real shit happen.

It's like 180 people, and you can have a party in there for two shows. Come on down, $22, they got great food. Pasadena, the whole area got great food. Get some fucking tickets, get some sushi. Take your wife or your girlfriend or your fucking lover over to the Ice House. Laugh with my girl, six to six, five, seven, seven, 1894.

Again, six to six, five, seven, seven, 1894. That's the number to the Ice House. Call him up right now, I ain't fucking around. Joe Rogan's up there right now. Call him up, leave him a message. Oh, that's right, man. How's he doing his show tonight? They're doing everybody's up there.

Brooke Price and me, I got bigger locations. I got longer, ah, fuck these bitches. You know what I'm saying? Okay, we gotta go now. What else you want to tell me? I was a pleasure having you on. Thank you so much. How long have we been trying

to get this dirty bitch, huh? For a while, you've always mentioned that you call her and you're out of town. Well, and Joey used to be like, I'll call you at six a.m. And we'll do that in a minute, I guess. What happened to your six a.m. phone calls? Monday, Monday.

Okay. What happened was, I was doing all this working on and I wasn't losing no weight. Me and my wife were like, baffled. There's gotta be another problem. And then I sent them my card. I have a sleep-atting machine and you have to send it to its computer.

And every month, every 90 days, you send it in and they gotta call me. He goes, hey man, you're gonna fucking die. Do you sleep only with the machine or do you sleep on a couch half the night? And I go, no, I sleep with the machine. Why? He goes, you ain't sleeping.

You're averaging 4.8 hours or something to sleep. Oh, shit. Yeah. Because you gotta knock it off. So it's good that I do the Wednesday night one. Plus I can guess that coming. It's much easier. It's more accessible.

It's more accessible. And once I say to you, what was the other question? I don't even know. So I do that one Monday at six to get people jumping. People have weird weekends. They probably ate a bad dose of pussy. They did a little kick in the ass on Monday morning. And that's what I'm here to do.

Give you a little kick in the ass, reinforce you. Let you know it's a cruel world out there. You gotta wash your pussy. You gotta be prepared. If you wanna get your dick sucked, you gotta be prepared. You can't go out there unprepared. Nobody will suck your dick. That's so true.

So Monday, 6 a.m. and then Wednesdays, I had to do eight o'clock. And I missed you, Jitu, and I missed spots. But I wanna give you the best possible podcast. Like tonight, I had her in here and I could really tap into on the phone. We fuck around. It's topical, but they gotta go up to 20 minutes.

You know, the husband wants to fuck it. All the time. In the morning. All day, every day. What's up with you, Cox? What are you doing this weekend? This weekend, I don't know. There's a fight Saturday, which would be good.

Who's fight? Oh, yay, I'm sorry. Matt Brown. Yeah, I'm just excited for next Wednesday. Yeah, that's why we got the podcast at the Ice House. Right. Oh, that's always so much fun. Ms. Pat, live podcast with motherfucking Ms. Pat.

We got women. I'm a woman. I love it. I jizz with women. I have a great relationship with all these women. So I like them to come on and we talk and I talk crazy, but they know at the end of the day I love them and I respect them.

Of course. You do, Joey. You're the sweetest one. I love you the most. Thank you, boo boo. Thank you very much for the fucking time when you're beautiful. I love you, Joey.

I think you're sexy and funny. Thank you. And you have a podcast. Oh, your mom's house, guys. Listen up. We're gonna have this Friday Gretchen Bonaducci as a guest on that episode. And she talks about, she's writing a book

about Danny Bonaducci. I don't know if you ever watched Breaking Bonaducci in 2005. It's a crazy fucking reality show. So yeah, listen to that. We were just in Vice Magazine, too, or online or whatever, Vice. And it's good.

It's a fun show. We talk about shitting a lot, if you like that. A lot of brown talk. I told Tom when he did the live one, but I said it on here, too, like you're, like, I think between you and Ari, it's my favorite, two favorite podcasts. Aw, thank you.

We always talk, we always talk. Ari's great. Thank you. You're very sweet to say that, thank you. No, it's just, a lot of the shows have gotten to be like interview shows. And it's just, because I see it's hard, it's not hard, but it's different

when it's only Joey and me. And most of the guys, most of the time, your show's just you and him. And it's like one of the only podcasts where you really have to have listened for the whole time. Yeah, good. Because there's so many running gags, and it's just, I don't know, I've started a while ago.

I missed the beginning of it, but. The very, very beginning, yeah. I don't even know where those are when we were with Death Squad. We started with Death Squad. Yeah, I got you right at the end of that. Oh, well, hey, I'm glad you're here. It was fun.

Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you. I love you guys. You're gonna wash your assholes now? Yeah, I gotta go do a set, but I love you. Go do it. Stay black. Have a great weekend.

We'll see you Monday at 6 a.m. You bad motherfuckers. Joeydears.net for fucking tour dates. Where am I this weekend? Reno, and that's it. I ain't seeing you motherfuckers till Bray as September 18th. And then I'm in New York to 26th and to 27th of September.

I'm taking August off. Good for you. Done, I'm relaxed. I'm going to Kentucky with my family. I'll be in Paducah doing a show at a fucking coffee house, believe it or not. Holy fuck. I'll let you motherfuckers know.

That's how I roll. Now that the show's over, remember to go to naturebox.com. What music are you gonna put on? Because you already put the other thing on. Oh, okay. So now you're gonna fuck this up. Well, you said where's the music? And we have two songs lined up.

I don't know. Oh, I'll do this one because I'm sure both of you hate it. I have a feeling I know what it's gonna be. Yeah. I don't even know who sings that piece of shit song. Which one? I don't know what he's gonna play. I don't know.

The boys are back in tension. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, okay. That's the worst, bro. Bro. What are you smoking? What is this, the e-cigarette? Does it taste like flavor?

No, really. All right, here we go. So go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. Eat healthy and delicious treats like French toast granola and Santa Fe corn sticks. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. And then show is also sponsored by onit.com. Go there for all of your supplements

like Alphabrain and Strongbone, use code word church and nailthelife.com. You mentioned Joey doesn't get 20% off of the premier vapor pan on the market. Let's see if this works. Oh, sorry, we're done. I hate this fucking band so much. Oh, my.

There's a lot of people on Twitter who are excited. Oh! Damn you, Lee. I was wrong. Now I'm fine. Just one thing makes me okay. Great, great, why? Stay here.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Stay close to me. Don't let me be in love. Staying in love. My blue heart.

I was wrong. Let me die. But I feel it in my head. I was wrong. Now I'm fine. Just one thing makes me okay. Great, great, why? Stay close to me.

Don't let me be in love. Staying in love. My blue heart. Great, great, why? Stay close to me. Don't let me be in love. Staying in love. Thank you for watching.