Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #198 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, September 21st… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Blue Chew & Manscaped… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. BLUECHEW Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use code JOEY MANSCAPED Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code DIAZ at https://manscaped.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #BlueChew #Manscaped The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's Wednesday morning. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday. I think it's the 21st. Who gives the Frenchman's fuck? It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Thank you for watching the last couple podcasts and commenting. It's always great when Lee comes on here.

It's always great to see him. It's always great to give medibles. It's always great to see him fucked up and looking at you. His little eyes now, he looks like one of those things. You ever go to Adams? You ever watch the Adams family and you fucking walk past something and there's a picture and all of a sudden the eyes move a little bit when the guy walks by? That's what Lee's eyes are like now.

He's always looking around, but it's always great to see him. When I see Lee now, when the podcast ended, I was just burnt out with everything. I was burnt out with LA. I was burnt out with everything. I didn't know when mine and Lee's relationship would end because I canceled the podcast too quickly and we just wanted to get out of there. You know, I didn't know if his feelings were hurt or if my feelings were hurt. I didn't know really what to expect.

I was really looking at the future going, I don't know if we're ever going to be friends again. I hate not being friends with somebody. So it was just really weird. When the podcast ended, we didn't do much for like two months. He was in Milwaukee fucking detoxing. I was in the basement detoxing and little by little we just started talking. And you know, it was like him and I were good friends when we started everything. We were doing everything, but between the drugs and the fucking podcast and the standup,

it just, you know, it went somewhere else. So when I see him now and he comes down, listen, I was really happy he came to do that show because it put me at ease. Like it just reminded me of the ice house on Saturday nights. Eight o'clock show, we're out there at 10, no drama. You go up there, we get high, you see some of your friends, you hire your friends to come, you pay them and that's all. But he made it.

I had no stress last week. I had no anxiety last week. My life has fucking changed. I don't know how I got rid of the anxiety or talking through it or whatever, but it's gone. You know, I was talking on my Patreon podcast how I started this journey last September 22nd. So Thursday is a real year that I started thinking about my future. Like, what am I going to do?

Am I going to sit in this basement? Am I going to feel like shit? Am I going to be confused? I didn't want this to fail. I hate failing. Everybody hates to fail. Can you imagine we would have moved here, bought a home and then my wife didn't like it and my daughter didn't like it. But after everything was settled, I had to find myself again and my, you know, why I work best and how I work best.

And it wasn't working constantly. Listen, that ship sailed. I'm just trying to sustain, have a good time and enjoy these years. I'm not fucking a spring chicken no more, you know what I'm saying? I stay out till two on a Tuesday night. It stays with me till fucking Friday. Okay? Like, my goal is to get home as soon as possible because I know if I'm out till three, whether it's just talking shit and smoking dope,

I'm going to feel that shit on fucking Friday. I'm not one of your young fucking chickens no more. But all in all, you know, I'm happy that we maintained our friendship. Friendships are the most important thing you have, man. You can't choose your family, but you could choose your fucking friends. And that's, that's very big. And I tell people that you don't have to put up with shit with friends. You know, the better you are as a friend, the better people come to you.

Like they just, it's easier. You know, I went to jujitsu this morning and it's so weird how I'm horrible at it. I keep showing up, but the bonds I'm building there with different guys now, like when I came here, I thought it was going to be Northburg in 1982. That's not what I wanted at all. That's not what I was looking for at all. I was not looking for that going down the show. I have a daughter.

I don't want to get into all that, but I still got to fucking sustain. I still got to move forward. You know, I found what works for me. My goal now because I get bored at night, you know, that's my biggest problem is fucking nighttime. I lose my mind at night, but I've lately with the girls practice and the parents and so I got a new goal now starting fucking tomorrow. I'm supposed to do one set every week, like during the week just to get me out of the fucking house. And I got to go to jujitsu at night one night.

I fucking hate training at night. You know, that means you can't get high all day. That means you can't eat after four. For me, you know, some people could do what the fuck they want. But if I go to jujitsu, I can't get high because I won't be able to breathe. I can't breathe when I fucking don't get high. Can you imagine if I smoke 20 bang? It's all day.

So these are the little things like the next year. And this is what I tell you people, it all starts with little fucking steps, man. Because when you start with big steps, you're going to fall on your fucking face and then you're going to be more depressed when you were. And that's what I was doing when I was younger. I would go for these big goals and these big things and then when I wouldn't reach, I might quit. That's not, you're not getting nowhere. It's baby steps. Today I'm going to do this.

Today I'm going to walk a mile today, but you have a plan. A plan is sometimes unlike the most important fucking thing, you know. I've always been a good planner. Don't ask me why I'm horrible at everything else. But I could sit down and say, how do I attain this? And I could go step by step and I'll scratch and put that step to number three and number five. You know, you have 10 things to make your life better. You know, so I just wanted to start with that.

It's always great to see Lee and it just reminds me about the gift of friendship that we overlook so much in our lives. Like I said to you, I rat, you know, friends destroyed us. Friends put this fake fucking view in our lives that we got to hang out with eight fucking people. Oh, did you hang out with eight people? It sucks, dick. There's always two of them that are fucking retarded and you got to cover the fucking slack. Listen, man, that's not what it's about. Three, four people, you exchange thoughts with them, you tell them your feelings, whatever they tell you from time to time.

I mean, I can't tell them that, you know, I don't get hard on, you know, you know what I'm saying. Like you just talk, you just, you're just talking to people and it's, and that's what it's all about. Just keeping it simple. I have three guys that I grew up with that I don't see them a lot, but I talked to them. I wrapped them every two days. I don't see that, you know, they're my friends. I don't need to see them. I just need to connect with them.

Speaking of connections, I fucking sit here all the time. Anyway, when I go for drives and I always go at the end of the fucking thought, I go, I cannot believe that more people haven't reached out to me from my past. Like I really can't believe, like, except for maybe two or three people from Colorado, like Boulder and not even have a lot of people left in Boulder, you know. I always figured that people would hit me up from the Aspen days. Like, hey, I remember you. Holy shit. You know, you were funny back then when nobody's ever fucking hit me when I went to prison. When I got out, I'm like, all these, I'm going to have all these prison buddies reach out to me, including the guy that threatened my life.

That said, for me to fucking, if I didn't get to stand up, he was going to fucking kill me. I thought he would pop out and look for his 10 points for point me in the right direction. Nobody ever popped out at me, except one guy that I had on early on at the church. His name was Alejandro Rea, R-E-A, Mexican dude, bad motherfucker. He was part of a cartel before the cartel. Every fucking knew they were a cartel. And he was living in Boulder. We were, you know, great friends in the halfway house.

We had some great laughs. And then we both got out and I lost contact with him and this motherfucker hit me up. You know, like 2013, maybe 14, I was blown away and he said he was proud of me. We talked, there's another guy from the halfway house that I talked to from time to time on Facebook, but I've never seen him. But the other day, Monday, somebody reached out to me that, guys, I have not seen this motherfucker from the eighth grade. Eighth grade. Eighth grade, I have not seen this motherfucker. I kind of forgot him.

I told some stories about him on the fucking church and it was just the fucking weirdest thing. He hit me up. I just looked at an old Facebook, you know, you find messages, messenger or whatever. And I open up the messenger and it says, like, the thing on the top of the messenger, dog, I never even go to messenger. I must have clicked on the wrong thing and that page came up. And I looked at a bunch of people, Joey, how you doing, whatever. But there was this one message and he goes, I don't know if you remember me. But when I looked at the thing, I said his name was Raul.

And I go, Raul, I grew up in a couple of Rauls, you know, Raul's a very big Cuban name, you know, Raul. So I clicked onto it and it's like, I don't know if you remember me. I moved to North Bergen in the fucking in 1977 and you lived across the street from me. He goes, I heard on the podcast that you stole my stereo. I never thought it was you. Oh my God. I fucking froze Monday morning. I'm like, what the fuck.

So let me tell you how this thing fucking went down. He lives in the Bronx. His nephew went to see me Sunday, Saturday night in New York City. His nephew comes home on Saturday. He's at his mother's, his sister's house. Oh, I also know Raul's sister and the nephew go, oh, we went to see this guy and Raul's like, who's this? And they started talking. He's a Cuban guy from North Bergen and Raul goes, wait a second.

I used to live in North Bergen. Let's check him out. And the guy goes, as soon as he put the video on that, he looked at me for like a minute. And all of a sudden it just came back to him and he had to reach out to me since we're not friends and me and his son, his nephew and our friends or whatever. He reached out to me on Messenger. But what a coincidence that I never, ever go on Messenger. And the day I click on Messenger by mistake because it was like a thing on Facebook. You know what I'm doing?

The things in the morning you have to click and post and link and whatever the fuck. I clicked the wrong fucking thing. And I also went to Messenger and I opened up the email and he had his number on there. I read it and I must look at the email like fucking five times. You know, I'm like, I can't believe this guy. I didn't know what he knew. I stole his stereo. So I didn't know what I should call him back.

And he left me the number. But guys, I called him back and it was like fucking. I hadn't seen him in an hour. We weren't right back to North Bergen. He asked me about Louis Hernandez. He asked me if I see, you know, because he played basketball role. So he was a basketball player. We must have talked for an hour on the phone and he told me some shit.

I didn't know. I was talking about Puerto Rican Nelson. He reminded me that he threw a snowball one time in Puerto Rican Nelson because he thought that Puerto Rican Nelson had gotten a little out of line with him. You know, so it was good to talk to him about that. He confirmed what I thought about Puerto Rican Nelson was like a half a pedophile. You know what I'm saying? Like he wasn't a full time pedophile. Like he was like just a creepy dude, but he didn't really impose his will on us as much as you would think from a pedophile.

You know, so... But Raul was saying that one day he said something to him. You know, if you don't eat broccoli, you won't have a big cock or something. He goes, I don't know what he fucking said to me, but I whipped him with a fucking snowball and just ran away from him. Raul was a kid to remind everybody when we were in the seventh grade summer, like the summer of seventh grade, we're outside playing like stick ball or whatever the fuck we're playing. And also a moving truck comes in. Right.

And they're unloading shit and the family is all out there and they're looking at this house and, you know, and we watched them unload that first batch of shit, you know, like they had like a little truck. It was like a little U-Haul. I don't even know if it was a U-Haul or whatever. They unloaded that one and then when they got ready to go, me and my friends who were little fucking jackals, looked at each other and were like, let's go through the back window and see what they got in there. You know, at this time, my mother was alive. I had no reason to break into a house.

I had no reason to steal, but it was there. And my friends were there and like, let's do it. I'm like, okay, let's fucking do it. And at that time, it was a joke. We would not be any guys. We were not heavy guys. You know, we were robbed some motorcycles once in a while from fucking Seacock is from the trains, but we weren't heavy guys.

So we went through the back window and we went in the house. One of the guys stole like a picture. I saw he had a tremendous fisher stereo. Now, guys, in 1979, if you had a fucking fisher stereo, you were the king of fucking swing. You understand me? And this is when they had like all components at one, which I'd never do again. The eight track, the cassette and the fucking album. And so I saw the fisher stereo and I go, you know what, I'm taking this motherfucker.

I didn't know that they had a fucking 12 year old son. That was my age. So I took the stereo. I fucking took it to my room. We robbed a couple of things, a stereo, a lamp, a bike, you know, just stupid shit that kids do. Please, for you people watching this to woke liberals do not hold it against me. I know that you're like, you robbed somebody in 1978. Yeah, it was 1978, 44 years ago.

Get over it. No one even talks about it anymore. You can't even press charges. So don't judge who gives a fuck. So we took the fucking stereo and a couple other things. And about a week later, you know, we start school and the kids fucking great. His name was Rahul Puerto Rican kid. He smoked dope like us.

He played hoop. So we became friends. You know, I liked the kid. And also one day I'm like, let's go back to my house and watch movies or whatever the fuck we're going to do. And also when I walk in my house, I go, fuck, I can't fucking ask this kid to listen to music because he's going to see that I stole the stereo. This kid lived right across the street from me, not three houses down, not eight houses down, right across. You know, when you come out of your front door in that house, right, right across the fucking street from me. So I'd have to see him every day.

I didn't even think about that shit. So when he's like, oh, we're going to listen to music. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, nah, my stereo is kind of fucked up. Let's go to the basement. The basement. I had like punching bags and karate shit. So the whole time he, I think he lived in North Bergen, maybe till the end of the eighth grade. And the whole time he came to my house every day, I couldn't take him to my bedroom because his fucking stereo was in my goddamn bedroom.

I couldn't even walk up the block with an album because he would ask me, let's look at it and let's listen to it. So I had to go on Charles court, jump the fence, go through my backyard, leave the album in the back door and then walk up my block. Go through the garage, say hello to him, close the garage and bring the album through the backyard. So he wouldn't see me fucking bring albums home. It was horrible. It was a horrible thing I did. And trust me, if at the time, if I could say to him, Raul, take the stereo, I would. I just didn't have the balls, you know, I didn't have the balls.

But what happened with Raul was Raul's father borrowed money from my stepfather and my stepfather was a loan shark and my stepfather was a vegan. And he couldn't pay the big one. They just split in the middle of the night and shit. And my stepfather was pissed, but I'm like, Hey, I got the stereo. You got beat, but I got something. You know what I'm saying? But he was telling me about my stepfather. He said that he still remember my mother.

He, in fact, he asked me how my mother was. And I was like, she died in 19, fucking 79. He's like, wow. And he started talking to my mother. He would come over and eat. How do you have a kid over your house and eat and you can't take him to your bedroom because you stole his fucking stereo? I mean, what the fuck did I get myself into? You know, he's a plumber.

He owns his own plumbing company. We're going to hook up next time I'm in the city. He's going to come to the show and we're going to chit chat a little more. I apologized about the stereo. You know, he didn't really know about the stereo. I told him. And it's fucking crazy how fast 44 fucking years and the kids still remember me. And truthfully, I remembered him still.

It's not like I fucking blacked them out, but it's great talking to people from the past sometimes. He was just reminding me. I like the stupid shit we did. He reminded me when we stole the van with all the fucking t-shirts on and the shirt press and we took it to the city. Guys, you know, I take my daughter to get baseball cards at this place. Like once every two weeks, we go in there and we buy five packs. I look around, but it's really a comic book place and it's fucking cool as shit. And Raul lived on our block when all of us used to rob a comic book guy.

His name was Anthony Sumton. Me, Raul, Ray Canella. I mean, Ray has been on the church a couple of times. He used to work for the sci-fi network. We used to fuck Dean LaPreet, another good friend of mine. We used to smoke. Nah, we didn't smoke dope. We had a band.

I wasn't a band. You played bass, right? I played bass. No, I fucking sang. I sang. My buddy John played the bass. Doug Jimenez played the guitar. And Frank Canella played the drums.

But then my voice started cracking. So I didn't sound like Michael Jackson anymore. So my singing days were fucking over. But we fucking, you know, we just, he reminded me of so many fucking things. We talked about a van. One night we were playing basketball and we walked back home and we, all of us were always like, you know, we drink water out of a fucking hose and shit. And there was a hose right on Liberty Avenue and we used to just grab the guy's fucking hose.

And while we're drinking the hose, we're looking at this van. And we noticed that the van don't fucking belong there. We've never seen this van before. So at night, every night after basketball, there was one of those police phones, 911 phones, close to the school. The, the, for how we started tonight, every night was ripping the phone out of the box, just ripping it and leaving the box open and cops would be everywhere. They would even set us up and we'd still get away from them. It was tremendous. After we'd robbed the box from that, then we'd go on and, you know, we'd light Lucy's fucking, you know, Lucy's snob.

I go fishing in front of a house in a bowl and we put lighter fluid on it and light it on fire. Come on, guys, come on. I thought you knew about this shit. This is what you do when you're young in North Bergen. We're fucking crazy kids. So one night we just standing, there's this van and we look in the van and we're like, wow, they got boxes, a t-shirt. And guys don't remember this. You guys are too young to remember this.

In the seventies, you'd go into a store and there would be designs on the wall, like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd. Yeah, like stupid shit. Follow me. I'm with stupid, all that stuff. And they would put the shirt down and they'd have like an iron like this and they'd ding the thing. You pressed the button after two minutes, you picked it up and you should have a sticker on it. We looked in the van and the fucking guy had one of those presses in. We took the bro.

One of the guys, we were fucking, we're like, should we just bust into the van and take it out? And we're like, no, no, no, no. So my friends said, I can drive. So we drove the fucking, he got in the car, I was petrified. I've never jumped in a stolen car. Stolen cars are my thing. You got nowhere to go. When the cops pull you over, I'm in the car.

You can't talk yourself out of it. You know what I'm saying? You're in the car. So where the fuck are you going? So we, he drives the fucking thing around. There was a girl, Lona Mertens, and she lived in his apartment building and they had like parking garages back there. We pulled the van in there and we fucking started taking everything. Boxes of t-shirts, presses, all the designs, Mickey Mouse, Spider-Man.

He had like the fantastic four. We were comic book nerds and we're like, oh shit. And this is way before Comic-Con. They had these little conventions in the city, you know, comic book things and they would sell those shirts. I'll never forget. We took a fucking bus with boxes of shirts. Each of us had a box on the bus. The bus driver was like, what the fuck?

Where you going? They finally had a bus driver. They finally said, get off the bus, put it on the side. It was six of us with big boxes and we brought a press. We brought the fucking press to the city. Our plan was to go into the convention and fucking sell t-shirts. We didn't give a fuck. We didn't know about boots.

We didn't know about boot fees. We knew nothing. We just thought you showed up like the English town fucking flea market and you sold shit. We go upstairs and they're like, nah, you can't fucking do this. We don't give a fuck. We just want to sell these. We'll sell them cheap. The guy finally goes, fuck it.

I'll buy the shirts from you. We sold all the shirts. We sold the press. We sold the stickers to the guy. We started a fucking, the guy started a business right there on a Saturday morning. We took our money. We got back on that fucking bus, went to North Bergen, bought albums, you know, Chinese food, fucking darts. You know, what kids fuck?

What stupid fucking kids throw out. But we used to, in those days, we would get home at three o'clock. About three-ten, I'd make a fucking grilled cheese sandwich or something. And I'd run over to fucking Ray Canella's house. Dean LaPreet would come over. Raoul would come over and be like six of us. And there was this guy on 43rd Street. His name was Anthony Sum.

He was the sweet heart of a guy. I lived with his parents, half a momo. But what are you going to do? We all can't be fucking brain surgeons. In his front porch, he had a comic book store. So think about my front porch, sealing it off, and he had a comic book store in there. So before you walk in the house, you had to walk through a comic book store. Anthony De Palma, Anthony Rosetti, something like that.

We would go up there every fucking day and bust his balls. How much for Superman 1? How much for Superman 2? How much for Superman 3? Can you give it to me for $15? And the whole time we're busting his balls, two of us are stealing comic books from him. Like fucking, we're walking out of there with comic books. We stole the whole Fantastic Four from him. The whole fucking, I love the Fantastic Four then, because they had Silver Surfer. In fact, I'm thinking of fucking collecting Silver Surfer's again.

Silver Surfer. I got a bunch of comics. I love all that shit. It's a kid. I never had Superman, but I was a Fantastic Four guy, Silver Surfer guy, and I was somebody else. I never knew about the Black Panther and all these comic heroes that they're coming up with fucking now. They're so fucking many now. I know the rock is Black Angus.

I don't even fucking know what the fuck, I don't even know what the fuck he's doing. He's Hawaiian. He wants to be Black Angus now. Who the fuck knows anymore? But man, it was just really good talking to him. You know, guys, I had a great childhood before my parents died. Before my mother died, guys, you know, it was like I had a couple of bumps when I first moved to Jersey. I got beat up and all that, but then after a while, I was just, I was moving, and that's what we spoke about.

It was like, you know, when I left, you were really like, you know, we were fucking, we were playing basketball. We were, we went to karate together. We were just a bunch of kids that had fun. You know, I look at my daughter and I look at these kids today and down here, we can never do this because the houses are too separated. There's really no streets to walk around on. There's really not much for the kids, you know. Guys, my, like my daughter comes home now at three o'clock and, you know, she gets in like 315 and I got to be strictly honest with you. We do nothing.

These kids do nothing. I got to, every day I got to fucking tell them, mercy, go knock on, you know, Frank's door. Go knock on, you know, the Russians door, go knock on the kid across the street door, you know, and everybody has different events. But it's not like, you know, on the block over where Jimmy Florentine lives yet. They got Jimmy over, they got little Luke over there and they got a couple kids over there. And there's like three of them that come out every day, but they really got like 10 kids on that block and sometimes six of them come out. And when the Hindus come out, you got 10 fucking kids out there running. It's tremendous, you know, but these kids today don't, don't do it.

And I told my wife, I go, we got to figure something out. I don't want to put it in after school program. That shit sucks. You know. I wanted to run these streets here. I wanted to fucking, you know, walk around a little bit. But like I said, there's nowhere to fucking go. And that's why I always, if it wasn't for these felonies guys, because listen, you can't, I contacted an attorney for years.

All these motherfuckers were like, oh, Joey, you can get rid of all those felonies until I fucking contacted an appointment, a fucking attorney and went in for a consultation. It cost me 500 bucks for him to tell me that everybody has to be in place for your felonies to get aligned. What that means is that DA has to fucking go for it, the attorney, the victims, the whole fucking thing. But, you know, I know Vella will, he won't have any objections on me erasing the felon. But the DA, that fucking DA that prosecuted me, he left right after he prosecuted me. He fucking went to the feds to prosecute environmental fucking people. They don't even get to remember this fucking case. Like they're not going to remember all the, they'll read it and they'll come back to them.

But they're not going to remember all this shit, like what happened exactly. So I really wanted to get my things expunged for one reason, just so I could work with kids. I could fucking, you know, coach a little league team or coach a fucking bitty basketball team. I don't want to, I know, I know I'm a felon, but I didn't have a drug felony. I didn't have a sex felony or a kid felony or an assault. It was basically a fucking secondary burglary felony. If they look at the initial charges, yeah, they might go, but it wasn't as easy and they want to like fucking the attorney told me it was like 50 grand. I don't have fucking 50 grand to expunge my fucking, my past. Who gives a fuck?

If you want to look at it, look at it. If you're not judging me, but it doesn't matter. I thought that I could fucking expunge this shit, but so that's my fucking situation and I got to fucking live with it. But it's always great when somebody from that capacity, it fucked me for two days. I was, I couldn't wait to do this podcast because there was nobody really I could tell about how I felt after I got off the phone with him. It was like a breath of fresh air hit my lungs. It was a different perspective, you know, he was talking about my mother. He goes, my mother was very kind to him. Then my mother, even if I wasn't home, she'd offer him food. He goes, how much food did you guys have in your house?

Because your mom would always offer me fucking food constantly, like steaks. And my friends love my mom because at my house, there was no tuna sandwich. There was no fishing sticks. There was no fucking macaroni and cheese. My mother wouldn't go for that shit at all. In my house, if you came in there to eat, it was a steak, a palomia, not a t-bone, those skinny ones that they bang with the fucking hammer. And it looks like a fucking side of a cow. My mother would make you one of those with black beans, rice, onions and some fried bananas. I still remember us fucking sleeping over, Ferney, me, Avillo, a bunch of us sleeping over and getting up and my mom made fucking that disgusting Cuban dish I told you about.

That's when you get white rice, a fucking steak and you crack two eggs over it and you crack the yolk. So the eggs go over the steak and the rice, disgusting, but fucking effective. If you're looking for a hard on, let me tell you something. If you're not using blue chew, it's that shit right there, Jack. Your dick will get fucking hard. Two eggs, the yolk over a piece of fucking meat, that stimulates fucking shit right there in the fucking nutsack. And then that rice and that fucking malochia fucking yolk juice, shit. I still remember them fucking like making noises while they ate.

Like I still remember like me being embarrassed because I was always embarrassed when non-white kids ate at my house because my mom wouldn't give them white food. But then after three minutes, the kids would go, fuck that shit. I'm coming over here all the time. I'm sick of macaroni and cheese. I'm sick of eating potatoes. Your mom never cooks potatoes. Fuck no. It's fucking steak.

And they would come over. She would buy the fucking, we would go to a meatbacking district. Once a week and my mom would buy boxes of T-bone steaks, the fucking thick ones, nice medium size with two eggs in the morning. God damn, too bad now I can't do that much fucking meat, you know. He also told me that he liked my stepfather even though my stepfather was a prick. I think I'm on my stepfather fucking all the time. But I also think I'm on my stepfather in a weird way because it depends on the day with me. Whether I love my stepfather or I don't.

I love my stepfather because I learned something big from him. You know, his main thing was not on my mind. That was his fucking main words all the time. And that means don't be a shitty and what that means in Cuban, it's not that you eat shit. He always wanted me to be on top of my game. Those old revolutionary Cubans, like I didn't understand one when he was in my life. I started understanding one when he was out of my life and I was a fuck up. And for me to get back, I had to use some of the things.

One was very, you know, one was one of those guys like, you know what, I didn't eat dinner tonight. Fuck you, you should have been here at six. That's it, there's no dinner. Like go fuck yourself. And you feel bad about it, but you're like, you know what, that's life. That's fucking life sometimes. Dinner's at six, you didn't eat, you didn't come at six, you came at seven. I cleaned up the kitchen.

Go fuck yourself now. I ain't giving you money to eat. Juan was one of those dudes that made your work a little harder, but he was always right. I was too young at the time to appreciate it because, you know, you want to be a fucking gangster, you want to be a kid. That dude was always right. You know those guys that are always right and you get fucking pissed off. They always fucking prove you're right. And you're like, God damn it, motherfucker, he was one of those guys.

So as I got older, like as I got into my 40s, when I got off the drugs and shit, I started feeling his presence more in my life. And he didn't have that much more presence in my life, but some of the shit, his way of looking at things is it's life. There was no second chances. You know, he was supposed to be that nine and you weren't there and they fucking didn't hire you. Go fuck yourself. Your excuse is not going to work. Your excuse is fucking worthless to me. He didn't like excuses and it's the truth.

You ever tell something to somebody and they hit you with a fucking half-assed excuse and you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Just say that I fucked up. That's it. Move on. I won't be fucking pissed. I don't give a fuck. We all fuck up.

But it was great. Just like thinking about my stepfather and how much I hate him growing up, but how much today I see a little bit of me in him. Like that's, you know, I get up early every morning. I do things. He was the type of dude that this guy had money and he would fucking confuse people. He'd always had an old car and he always wore jeans and fucking jean jackets. He wore the same clothes every day to fuck with you. He outsmarted people.

He always played like a dopey guy. You know, like when I see the old videos of many of the chingigante, like people like, yeah, he always played like he was fucking crazy and shit. All those old criminals did that shit. They always had a problem. They're hearing, you know, they always got fucking an excuse. I miss one today. I think about him. He died in 2006 and he didn't give me my mother's money and I was always angry at him.

But at the end I didn't need my mother's money. He kept it and listen to this, how bad his life was. When he died, he had a box full of cash, maybe $2 million that he couldn't put in the bank or anything because he was a bookmaker. When he died, he gave that money to his wife at the time. Within a month, she got fucking a cancer fucking notice and she died within six months. She gave the money to her brother. Guess what happened to him? He died a year later.

So the money ended up going back to my stepfather's daughter in Tampa. And God knows what she's doing with that fucking money. That money was bad luck, Jack. And for years I wanted that money and at the end I'm happy. I didn't fucking, I didn't even have it go through my fucking house because God knows how bad that fucking money was. But that's it. And that's that guys. That's what I wanted to talk about.

A friend of yours calling you from the past and just opening up your brain. Like I was, listen, it took me and especially how it went down. It went down from his nephew going to the show Saturday night. And then him going home and he's, he's cause I talked to my nephew all the time. I didn't even know he was into fucking comedy. I didn't even know when he became into comedy or whatever. That's what he asked me. I told him I had done some time.

Uh, you know, he never got arrested. He says he got caught up on the cocaine bug a little bit, but then he went to a rehab and somebody who was doing coke would die and he stopped doing coke. We're both 59. We're both going to be 60 next year. So I talked to him and I said, I liked them to come over one day and maybe do sit down on the podcast one day and listen to Bronx. So, uh, he says he wants to come over and do the podcast and explain to you guys a little bit, you know, his year in North Bergen. Like he had, you know, he talked to me about Carmine Balzano. He goes, I was there the day fucking Carmine beat up the teacher.

And he goes, I was there the day we were talking about when he beat up this dude, Mr. Clemens. Oh my God. We were fucking died on the phone. The Clemens family was a great little family. I lived two houses next to me. So next to me was Kathy Ortiz. They were Jehovah witnesses. And then the bike thief.

Thief lived upstairs, Valentine Farrell. And then next to him were the Clemens. The Clemens is what tremendous family. Great family. The only problem was they all had fleas. They all had, they all had, what's that shit in your hair? Lice. So they all had to get crew cuts, but it didn't.

That's it. Once you have lice in North Bergen, you have lice forever. They will torture you. You might as well keep the lice. Because like I always said, Nancy was a beautiful girl, but nobody ever thought of eating a pussy. Because you had lice. Trust me when I'm telling you this shit. So one day fucking, we're outside doing whatever the fuck we did.

You know, in the summers in North Bergen, then everybody would go out to the front of the house. It was the Clemens, the fucking, the Otino, that fucking racist Italian guy across from the Clemens. The Ortizas didn't go out. They were Jehovah Witnesses. They don't mingle with nobody. It was us. My mother wouldn't go out of the house, but like Tristano would go out, and there was a lady up the corner, and she was an Italian lady who we would send the pornos to when we were kids.

She would go out there, sweep the front. I don't know what the fuck was going on. This is a great fucking, we're out there just playing. And all of a sudden there was an argument. I don't know, over like stupid shit, just two kids. Then the father came on. He goes, what's this fucking yelling and screaming about? And he goes, listen, man, that's my fucking toy.

I don't know. Well, I don't know. The next thing I hear is like a fucking push and a kid goes down and Mr. Clemens is standing over. And I look to see who's on the floor. And it's the last guy I want to see on the floor. It's Anthony Bosano. I'm like, God damn it. So I run over Mr. Clemens.

What the fuck? And he goes, fuck this little guy and fuck his father. I'm sick and tired and I'm fucking bothering people and thinking they could bully people. I go, he's not bullying your son. In fact, your son is older than he is. I think that's his ball or whatever. I don't know. But Anthony fucking didn't like it.

And he went to Altino's house and called his father. And I didn't see him call the father. I just, I was too busy talking to Mr. Clemens and what had happened. And all of a sudden guys, I see Anthony come back and he whispers in my ear, keep talking to him. I'm like, what? I don't even know what he meant by that. And next thing you know, I see a solo cop car come up the block. No lights, no fucking, it was a detective and it was Carmine.

And he gets out of the car and right away I knew what time it was. But he had already thrown out two beatings in the last two years. I didn't think he was going to beat up Mr. fucking Clemens. I think we ended up calling him Mr. because they used to say Clemito, right? They used to, the Spanish kids called him Clemito. Now at that time in North America there was going to be ten Spanish kids. But the white kids liked the way they said bioho. They would always go, how do you say licensed Spanish?

So the Spanish kids taught the white kids how to say licensed Spanish, which is bioho, right? So we would say, Clemito tiene bioho. All the white kids would say that in Spanish to him and he would lose his fucking mind. So I don't know what the fuck happened. People were saying, Clemito tiene bioho. Carmine comes up to Mr. Clemens and I don't think he liked Mr. Clemens at all. Mr. Clemens was a nice guy but he was the leader of that crew cut. You know that crew cut that comes out straight with the fucking, it looks like an handle on your fucking head.

He had one of those fucking things. So fucking, one thing leads to another. And within two minutes Carmine smacks this motherfucker with the walkie-talkie. Batteries all over the floor. He goes down, he's got a cut over his eye, he's bleeding, he goes down. The guy goes down and holds his face, Carmine takes his hands and puts the handcuffs on him. And proceeds just to start smacking him, right? After the third punch the guy was out, blood was everywhere, kids are going crazy.

Hit him, hit him, he's got fleas. It was not good, right? Hit him, punch him. The kids, the kids were outside crying. The mother was holding the one girl. They had like seven kids, Carmine's punching them and shit. And the guy's yelling, police brutality, police brutality. Call the cops.

Listen, at that point everybody who was up got up and started sweeping their front balcony. I still remember when Carmine got up, he took the handcuffs off the fucking guy. And Mr. Clemens kept saying, you all saw that and nobody called the police. What are you? What kind of citizens are you? And nobody said, raised a fucking boot. Everybody just kept sweeping. We don't know dick.

We don't know nothing. We don't know dick. We don't know nothing. Everybody kept sweeping, sweeping, sweeping. He got up and he fucking, we were kind of like laughing, but after I saw the kids I kind of felt a little bad. But I still love that Carmine beat him up. When you're fucking 12, anybody gets beat up. You're fucking, it's a good day in your neighborhood.

So fucking. He pushed Anthony over. He pushed Anthony over, but Anthony kind of went after him. You know, Anthony always knew his father would show up. So if I know my father's going to show up and there's no, I'm going to pick a fight with you two every fucking day. But we all saw that and Raul was like, I go, did you ever go to Carmine's house? He goes, no. He goes, and after I saw him throw the beat and I missed the tutorial because in the eighth grade he threw a beating on a fucking gym teacher too.

At the school. So he was like, I never went over. A lot of kids weren't allowed over his house. Me, I love going over. That's what I got through that. They were the first house I ever went to that they had a slicer, a fucking co-cut slicer. And they would put ham on the fucking slicer and you could cut the fucking ham and they would make white rice and they would heat up cream of turkey soup or cream of chicken soup. And you would take the fucking ham, put it on the rice and then pour the cream of turkey soup.

It's white trash food. Guess what? When you're 12, you eat that shit right the fuck up. You get me? Anyway, without further ado, that's it and that's that. It was a simple podcast today. I didn't want to get in too deep. Next week we got our guests coming back.

I had three guests in a row. I know you guys like the solo ones. But on this particular Wednesday, I ain't got dick to say. You follow me? I went to the doctor yesterday, did a biopsy on my fucking chin. I'll get the results. They're going to have to slice it. So in the next couple of weeks, we might have to fucking not do a podcast because they want to stitch it.

Yeah, this is not good, guys. This is not good. This is a fucking ingrown hair that is probably like three inches long in there. That's one of those white hairs. Dude, I get them all the time. They suck. They fucking suck. I manscape them.

I put everything. You know, I manscape the nutsack, then you go up, double up on the fucking bead. But anyway, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Football has been great this year, guys. I've made money the first two weekends, and I'm no fucking swami from Salami. When I say I've made money, if I made 50 bucks both weekends, I had the Jets and the Giants last weekend. I had Buffalo on Monday night. I didn't bet the Minnesota Viking game.

I didn't know. I did have fucking Green Bay on Sunday. The only loser I had was fucking Indianapolis. They lost my fucking 30, those cockuckers. But man, DraftKings has been great. Thank God they're a sponsor this week. That's it, guys. Have a great week.

Have some fun, and we'll be back Monday. Tip Top Magoo, ready for you motherfuckers. All right, I want to thank you guys for listening this week. I'm sorry about today. It was one of those weird podcasts, but fuck it. I'll come back stronger on Monday. The joint is brought to you by Blutue. Listen, when you were young, if the wind blew your dick got hard.

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I want to thank Manscaped. I want to thank BlueChew. DraftKings, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for a great fucking week. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for having my back and I'll see you cocksucked as next Monday. Tip Top Magoo. Stay Black. You