Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #199 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, September 26th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Express VPN�� DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. EXPRESSVPN Go to https://www.ExpressVPN.com/JOEY Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #ExpressVPN The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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See show notes for details. Now do me a favor, download the Draft King Sports Per Cap or the Fantasy app and let's start making some money. Pressing Code Joey. Let's do this, Mike. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. All right, all right, all right, you bad motherfuckers. Where the fuck you been? It's Monday to 26 of the month. We already killed this motherfucker.

This thing is down. That's it. This is your last week to fucking shine, guys. So make it fucking work, you know what I'm saying? It was a great week, but now we're on to another one. I got two more weeks till the fucking next show. I already been writing a few things. How funny it is. I have no fucking idea, but you never know till you try it. Had a great fucking weekend. My daughter's softball team is 6 and 0.

Listen, they're like the Cincinnati Reds, man. They walk, they fucking hit singles and every great once in a while they hit a home run. But let me tell you something. Their fucking defense is just it's great to watch. It's great to see these girls two years ago and to see them now. This is why I tell people at the time, don't fucking quit dick. Don't quit dick. If you like it and it's working for you and it's not killing you, stick with it. Because, oh my God, it's like they're like a machine. And watching it makes me fucking happy because when I was young, I didn't see that shit.

I never saw that type of like growth in anything. You know, you smoke pot, you play football, you play, I don't know. So it didn't make you really want to stick with something. You thought when you did something the first or two times, you're like, I'm not good at this. I'm not going to stick with it, but if you haven't, listen, it's like me with cars. I don't have an interest to get fucking under a car. I really don't. I'm just bad at it. Did I try it for years? I changed spark plugs. I did my own fucking oil. You know, for a while I changed my own oil while I lived in Boulder for some reason or another.

It wasn't even to save the 10 bucks or whatever. It was just to do it. You know, because it was just to do it because I'm sick and tired of not being able to do dick. So I would just fucking do it, you know, and then it was an accurate, it was a small car. I could pull it up to a thing and just unscrew a thing and put the bucket under there. I changed the air filter on my own. I did all stupid shit like that. But when it came to fixing carburetors and fucking axles and shit, you got the wrong guy, you know? So I knew I didn't have the aptitude for it. Jiu-jitsu, I don't have the aptitude for it at all whatsoever, just like car mechanics.

But I like it. I'm sweating. I'm pulling. I'm getting fucking tackled, you know, every once in a while. It feels kind of good to get beat up, guys. It really does. Just to remind you, you're a fucking, you know, when you go up against a skinny guy that weighs a buck and a half and he's throwing you around like a rag doll and you're like, you know, I got to start eating fucking Kellogg's again or some shit because this shit just is not fucking working. But yesterday we had a very fucking nice experience at the softball field. We'll have to touch it on it and change the names. So nobody will be fucking insulted by this. He's a dear friend of mine.

I love these guys. Listen, I love all the parents I hang out with here. I got to be honest with you. If you had told me 10 years ago when I'm at the county store one night, talking to guys, come here for a second, you're not going to be talking to these guys forever in about 10 years. You're going to be hanging out with parents and watching stupid softball games and stuff like that. What do you think about that? I go, you know what, as a swami, it's not going to work out for you because you can't fucking read the future. But I got to tell you something, man, my happiest moments all week have been this football shit on Saturdays. It's fucking beautiful out. We get sandwiches. We get fucking iced tea with lemon and shit. And you just sit there. You read a few edibles.

You sit there. They're double-headed. So you enjoy the fucking game. The sun's on you. You're talking to parents. You're talking to moms. They're telling you about their jobs and their lives. Guys, I got to tell you something. It's pretty interesting. I remember the first time Jimmy Florentine told me. He said, you're going to have a good time talking to the parents at the games. I'm like, I guess Jimmy doesn't know me too much, but boy, I have a great time. And, you know, you build relationships. You go over to the house. The girls do things together. It's fucking magical. So there's this couple, all my friends, you know, they fucking dabble. All the parents either do or they don't. They drink fucking martinis like what I've eaten on a Monday morning.

Get that fucking dick card. Get this party started. Tons of minerals, vitamins, everything. Your fucking eyeballs start to blink. So we're sitting there yesterday. Game starts at fucking nine o'clock. It's a double-headed. We're going to be there until about two, one-thirty. Let's make the best of it. You know, every three innings I get up, I walk around the league field. I go take a piss by the car. Even though there's a bathroom, I just still love pissing by the car. If I can get away with it right on the weeds or wherever the fuck I go, I know. They'll get you on the pedophile patrol. But I bring a bottle with me. I bring a hospital bottle. I like two hospital bottles I put in both cars, my wife's and mine.

In case I got to make a fucking quick trip into the woods like fucking Bella Lugosi. So I'm at this game and fucking, I'm sitting talking to them and I take out these edibles. Whenever I order from Stoner Club, you order edibles from Stoner Club or weed and they always send you little gifts. They send you a couple of joints. They know I like the edibles. So they send me all these Mike and Ikes, the fucking 600 milligram in a bag, like six fucking things. Listen, I just eat the whole bag. In fact, I got so high in here at night. It was 11.30 at night and I couldn't find nothing sweet to eat. So I just ate a bag of Mike and Ikes. Already I was fucked up.

I used to do this all the time in LA when Auntie Dolores was around. She'd have the pretzels and all that shit. I'd get high, go home, look for munchies and also I'd eat 500 milligrams more pretzels because each pretzel was 15 milligrams. Nobody remembers Auntie Dolores shit. So she had the fucking peanuts. You would just, I remember one time I gave a pretzel to a stewardess without even fucking thinking and I got off the plane. I'm like, that bitch is going to be fucked up because you couldn't tell. So I had the Mike and Ikes the night I woke up. I couldn't understand my fucking eyes were wide shut when I woke up.

It was like I had pink eye the next morning. You have pink eye, you wake up, you have like a fucking crust and shit. So I get up and I'm talking to these guys, this couple and I go, it's 11.30, you know, it's that time. So this bag had, I think it was 250 milligrams, but they were in 25s. It was like grapes hours or whatever, but on the top of the bag is that extremely potent. So the gentleman I was with had just said to me, hey, I ate one of your 15 milligrams last week from True Dose, the one from Stoner Club. He goes, those motherfuckers are pretty good. I go, you handle it okay? He goes, yeah, no problem. So once you do 15, what's the difference with 25 milligrams? 10 milligrams, right?

So I give one to his wife, I give one to him and I eat the rest. You know me, I'm a fucking calvone, right? So I put down 200 milligrams and it didn't do dick. It got me a little, for a little while when I had to take a pee one time. So I'm sitting there with them and we're talking and all of a sudden we go into the giggle phase. We're giggling. My wife's looking at us. The other moms are looking at us like we're fucking three retards. And next thing you know, I'm looking at my buddy here and I can see he's getting a little sweat around his nose, right? I'm like, well, it's hot out, but I'm not sweating. In fact, it was fucking cold as shit yesterday.

So I keep checking on him, you know? And I noticed that he stops cheering for his daughter and that's a sign right there. Because you know, we all cheer for our kids and shit and their kids and he stopped cheering for his daughter and that's when I got concerned. I started looking at him. He had sunglasses on so I couldn't see. He was just sitting there looking like Jim Jones and Guy Ann. I remember when he made those poor fucking people drink the fucking Kool-Aid and shit. He was just sitting like that. So I kept asking him, you okay? And he's like, yeah, I got this. And then finally I could just see his mouth dried up.

You know, I asked him if he wanted water or coke. He went, yes. And my wife brought the water or the coke. He just pointed at the coke. That's when they point, you're done. I mean, he didn't pull an O on Benjamin on me, but he went deep, you know? I gave him some fucking water. You know, we kept giving him water and love. You know, now I was fine and his wife was fine. So I knew it wasn't something with the edibles. But you know, sometimes you get up in the morning, you get a little gung-ho. He had had a little something in his stomach and he caught fucking THC poisoning. Which, listen, you motherfuckers have known me for a long time and I love my edibles.

You guys always saw me just eating like 2,000 milligrams with Lee or eating a thousand stars or whatever. That's all fine and dandy, but it took work to get there. And these are the stories you never fucking hear about. You never hear about those stories when we fucking pass out or when my friend had to call the ambulance on the 101. Because we was driving and he thought he was having a heart attack. On your quest to the edible journey, you're going to have a couple accidents, as we call them. Okay, you're going to have some fucking accidents. And while I was talking to him last night, then when I, you know, towards the end of the game, the game ended

and I sat there with him for a little while, you know, we didn't want him to mingle with the other parents and shit, not yet, they're nice white people. Then they left and I walked into his car. He got a little sick, which was good. The alcohol, the THC poison fucking came out of him. And then when you're in that situation, always remember CBD. That's why you always got to carry CBD line to tincture. I don't care if you go to CBD line by the cheapest tincture they have, that tincture will set you fucking straight when you're high.

When you're just getting there to a little bit too much, your heart's beating. You don't know what's really going on. You think the Martians are surrounding you. Stop, take a breath, call for grandma, grandma, get the CBD. I'm going deep into the murky waters and just put it on your fucking tongue and you'll be fine. Trust me when I'm telling you, sure enough, my wife brought him some CBD and within two hours, he was fine. I spoke to him this morning and it all worked out. I was a little scared that I wasn't feeling too good about myself when it happened.

But you know what, man, if it would have just been him and I, I would have been more upset. But since his wife took it and nothing happened to her, we're fine now. It was just a THC fucking overload. There was a period when we were eating that banana bread that guys, I went through hell and back, hell and back, hell and back with that banana bread. Listen, there's no cameras around when you're fucked up. Like I wish I would have taped myself in one of those positions. You know, the one that sticks out of my fucking mouth. Like I was telling my wife, yes, I go, Terry, you know, sometimes you just have bad days and good days with those animals.

And you pray for the best. And you put an edible in your mouth. If it's over your range, like let's say you're eating 10 to go to grandma's house on Sundays to eat spaghetti. And on this day you decide to eat 25, you know, just note that she could turn for you real quick. I mean, I've seen it. I've seen it. It's funny for a few minutes. And then you think about that person, how you felt when you were there.

And that's all I could think about when I was looking at him yesterday. There was one day when we had no idea what the banana bread was in it. I mean, you took your chances with that thing. I saw Yoshi go down. I saw a bunch of motherfuckers go down on that banana bread. But I never thought I'd go down was I fucking wrong. And one day I had a meeting and I went in and gave me a slice. I didn't want it to fucking melt.

I told you this fucking story and on the way home, I was out of it in the car and I'm driving on Chandler. Chandler in LA is the street in the valley and it's fucking wide open all the time. Everybody's driving on the other fucking main streets from touring shit Chandler. I got on Chandler for a fucking reason because nobody would see me. I mean, I was driving with no t-shirt on. Tits are sweating. No color. I remember the people pulled up to me in the car and just looked at me.

I mean, when do you pull up to a car and the person driving doesn't have a fucking shirt on? And it's like May or something. It wasn't even that hot. I had a suit on. I take that motherfucker off and I'll never forget. At that light, I turned around and there was a huge bottle of container of water. Like the big ones, not the 12 ounce ones or the 16, but it was like 24. But I had just bought one day or somebody gave it to me and I took two sips of and threw in the back seat.

That fucking car was old. That water was old and mummified, but I didn't give a fuck how bad I was feeling. I had to take that water and down it and it was kind of warm. People say that when you drink warm water, your titties grow. It raises the estrogen and if you're a man or whatever, I don't know what the rumor is. But all I know is by the time I got home, I was fucking out of it. I mean out of it. I had to sit on a fucking chair and I put the air on the air conditioner.

We have central air in that house to fucking air conditioning was right here. And it's blowing on me and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die and all something like cat jumped on me. Once the cat jumped on me, I'm like, and I love this cat. You know me. You can't kick an animal or push it. You know, you can tell him, please get off me. But I felt so bad because he wanted to just be with me. His face is right there.

Well, I had the fucking anxiety. And the next thing you know, he's sticking his claws into me. You know, when they do that with their claws and shit, I'm like, motherfucker, I wanted to punch him. And when I fucking realized what I was thinking, I go, the anxiety's gone. And that's how I got that was a four fucking hour death ride that day. You know, we tell the story a little faster than what had happened. We don't talk about parking and getting out and holding on to the car for four minutes. Cause you thought the street was gonna fucking turn on you.

You have no fucking idea. So I know how he felt yesterday. So I felt shitty. You know, and I told him, I said, just go home, you know, take the CBD, take a nap, balance your body, sweat it out tomorrow morning. And this morning he hit me up and he goes, I know what I'm resting. He gave me the lines from Goodfellas. So I feel a lot better now. Nobody thought I dosed him or, you know, cause he always get that fucking call from people that I went to a bar.

I went to a bar. I'm sick and tired. Listen guys, I'm telling you this. I love you motherfuckers. And I know there's a lot of creepy fucking people out there. If you go out to drink to a bar, please watch your fucking drink and keep your eyes on it. I'll tell you why. Every fucking weekend I hear, I'm somewhere and somebody says, oh, my sister went to a club and somebody dosed her drink and nothing happened.

But listen, I hear it all the fucking time and it's getting old guys. How come nobody doses guys fucking drinks chicks? You're not eating and you're fucking not big enough to handle a fucking Long Island iced tea. Stop blaming it. I'm got dose. No, you didn't. Nobody wants to fucking dose you. You just fucking over drink and then it's always a fucking dose.

So everybody that's with you has to feel bad. Cover your fucking drinks. God damn it. Every week my sister went out and somebody just told me this couple of days ago at the gym that somebody went to like a restaurant that I liked around town. And then they said they got dosed on a Wednesday night. Hello. Jesus Christ. When is this shit going to end?

And men don't ever get dosed. I'm never going to call from fucking Theo Vaughn. You're not going to believe what happened. Man, I got dosed last night. I went to a button. Nobody fucked it. Stop it. Stop it.

Fuck it. Everybody's getting dosed all of a sudden. I didn't dose nobody. You know me though. I only used to dose that one girl. We used to dose each other. But besides that, I've never really dosed anybody except Lee, but he knew he was getting dosed. So.

No, but I didn't. Yeah, I dosed. Nah, but I told them what they were eating. It's not like you put in their fucking drink and then they don't fucking know. It's an interesting week this week because I was thinking a lot about Mike this week. And I was thinking about how you're never really prepared to get married. Like you have all this shit cooking for you, you know. Mike's getting married this weekend.

I've known Mike for a few years. You know, I knew him when he didn't have kids. Also, he's got one kid. Also, he fucking knocked her up again. And it's like, what the fuck happened? You know. But you know, man, guys, marriage either brings the best out of you or marriage will fuck you up. You know, there's a 50-50 toss on this.

And we all know this. We all know somebody who's gotten separated or divorced or, you know, and I gotta tell you something. Marriage is a lot of hard work. And marriage is, you gotta eat shit from time to time. And we don't like eating shit. You know, when I first got married, when I was whatever fucking age I was, 80 through fucking three is 20. I was 26 when I got married, you know, and I think I was 25 when I got thrown in prison. And I was not ready for both events in my life.

I was ready to snorkel and to rob and to have a good time, but I wasn't ready. I didn't know this, you know, and I look at my life now. You know, I go to Jiu Jitsu, I do a couple things. And most of the people I hang with are 10 years younger than me, you know. Some of them are married and some of them are single. I mean, I have friends like my buddy Sean, Coach Sean at Hollis. He's 20 fucking eight years old. I love this fucking kid.

We talk, you know, a couple of times a week. He teaches me two days a week when I go to the core class. We're tight. I look at kids like that. You know, he's a young man. He's not a kid. But I see when how young guys treat me. And I love, listen, I love you no matter how old you are.

It doesn't make a difference to me. But they'll call me to do things and it fucking flatters me to no end, you know. And it kills me to say no to them because if this was 12 years ago, if you guys know anything about me, I'd be more fucking social. But people sometimes call me and they'll go, Hey man, what are you doing right now? And I'm like, I'm sitting here with the girls. Like, we just want to let you know that we're having lunch somewhere or we're having dinner somewhere. And that warms my fucking heart.

But it's very rough to tell your wife and your daughter. Hey, listen, there's three innings left in the game. I got to go. I'm going to go eat with my friends and I'll see you guys later. It's very rough to do that. As a single man, you think we could do that all day. And I appreciate, I appreciate it. And I love when I have a dear friend that says that my wife has my balls.

You know what I'm saying? She's like, I don't say no more because your wife has your balls. I have like three friends that say that to me. Now anybody who knows me knows I run rampant from Monday to Friday. That's the house rule. I run fucking rampant while she's in school from 810 to fucking 310 until she gets off that bus. Guys, I could do whatever the fuck I want. Okay.

Saturday days, if she doesn't have a softball game, I could do whatever the fuck I want. Sundays, you know, I do the podcast two times a week. I go to one spot a week. I try to fucking do, you know, I'm not going. I went last week to jujitsu one time, but to watch the black belt class. I had to watch it first before I show up this week and the next four week goals. So just go to one class a fucking night, especially if I fucking get this move. So you just can't, you know, sometimes they'll call and they'll listen after class.

We're all going to go get barbecue or something. Guys, you know me. You know me. I'm a fat fuck. After jujitsu, somebody gives you fucking brisket. Are you fucking kidding me? I do that all day long, but I can't because the girls are waiting for me to go eat lunch and go to a party or whatever. And it's, listen, I still, until this day, wish I fucking could just grab them one last time and tell them how much I love them and I miss them.

But I wish I could tell Ralphie. I could apologize to Ralphie because if there was anybody, I used to get angry over this and I'm telling you guys the truth. When Ralphie would call me and say, Hey man, I'm going to pick you up at eight o'clock. I just landed. It's two o'clock. I'll be there eight, eight, 30. I go, what the fuck? What do you mean?

Eight, eight, 30. He go, I got to stop at the house and see my kids and see my wife and eat something. And God knows what's going to happen, but I should be out of house by eight, eight, 30. Pick me up at nine, nine, 30, but I'd be furious deep down inside. I go, wait a second, you make all this fucking money and you still got to do this shit. I did not understand guys even and this had to be, you know, 10, 12, 13 years ago that I was that naive that I would be like, come on, Ralphie. Just, I didn't understand. I didn't understand.

I had no idea. I still remember being at a burger place with my wife. She's seven months pregnant and I'm telling her how we're going to have this kid, but I'm not really going to be involved with this. This isn't my world. I'm not good at this shit. You know, so I'll just go out and work as much as I can and give you money. And she was like, then we should just get a divorce right now because that's not going to work for me. I'll never forget that day.

And she just flipped the fucking table on me. She's like, you got to be involved a little bit. And then I agree with her and, you know, but then, you know what happens? The child is born. And as Mike knows, for the first three weeks of having a kid, you're like, Jesus Christ, this is a pain in the ass. The first two months, there's not a man that you'll talk to. Ladies, if you're watching this, I'm sorry to blow your bubble. But for the first month, six weeks after we have a kid, when we go to work, we're like, man, give me overtime.

Give me all the overtime you got. I don't want to be around that fucking ugly kid and my wife complaining and getting up in the middle of the night because, you know, the kid ain't looking at you. They just looking up and shit. You don't fucking know that you're a kid. You don't know what the fuck is going on there, you know. But then you look at this child one day and you pick him up and you play with his little fingers and his feet and you're like, OK, I'm all in. And then they start coming to you. And what are you going to fucking do?

We're going to be our dads. I got to go. You know, no, you got to fucking, you got to fucking talk to them and then pick him up. And, you know, I look at pictures sometimes of her and I just watching videos in the morning. Just sitting there when she was three, two, four, you know, that's our little fucking thing. And now it grew into us watching a little TV at night and talking about what we were watching the other day. Well, the other day we're watching. The other day we're watching a godfather.

It was on Showtime. We had a killer half hour and there was the part when Michael tells me he wants to shoot Salatso and McCluskey and shit. And she's like fucking loving it when he was shooting the gun in the basement. You know, it grew into that. But that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is how there's young guys and there's a guy I loved that he's about 40-something. You know, he's a good looking dude. He slings dick like a motherfucker.

And he's my friend. I think I met him down here. It's like he's an old friend from North Bergen or anything. I met him down here. I like the hell out of this dude. But this dude calls me to do shit and I feel so guilty because deep down inside I want to go to this place as well. Like he invited me to 516 last week or 618, whatever the restaurant and freehold that it's tough to get into. And I had softball practice.

You know what I'm saying? But here's the thing. When I'm at that softball practice, there's no other place I'd rather be. And I hear him sitting there. I'm not smoking dope. It's not like I'm drinking beer. It's not like I got a fucking ghetto blaster behind me listening to music. I'm fishing.

You ever go fishing? You throw your thing in and you sit there. And yeah, sometimes somebody gives you a joint. Sometimes somebody passes you some blackberry brandy or whatever the fuck it is. You know, it's just really, I want people to understand it's a big move. When you get married, anything in life, it's like that line from the Sopranos. When Paulie tells whatever, listen, you got to pay me 6,000 a month or 6,000 a week. That could be a lot.

Well, that could be a little. That's up to you guys. That could be a lot of dough or that could be a fucking little. That's a strong statement right there. But it just, I enjoy what I'm doing now that I enjoy this 15 years ago, not a million years. While she was pregnant, I was ready to pull my hair out. But now this is taking my manhood to a different level. When you're married, listen guys, as much as your friends tell you shit and everything.

When you're married, when you get married, it takes your manhood to a different level, whether you fail in the marriage or it prospers or it blossoms or whatever the fuck you want to say. Think about what I'm saying here. Listen, if you get married at 28, and after the first six months, you're like, this sucks. You know, and listen, I said that, dog, I said it on the honeymoon. When I first got married, my first wife, when I was 26, on the honeymoon, I was thinking that. On the plane, we had just got married at lunchtime. We're on a honeymoon plane at 7 o'clock and I'm already going, I think I made a mistake.

That's not fucking good. And obviously I made a mistake and it cost me money. But I knew, at the time, I didn't think I liked fatherhood. When all that went down, fatherhood and the divorce and marriage. At that time, I couldn't be married to the, who named the hottest chicken in the fucking world, the chicken with machine gun Kelly, if she shuts her fucking mouth. You know, Jay, whatever her name is, she's a good looking bro, but shut the fuck up Megan. And, you know, if she was like a millionaire or whatever, that still wouldn't have worked. Because I just wasn't ready. I was still fucking renegade.

And then when I tell you I'm ready, please don't think it was because all I was on, they had nothing to do with sex or being with women. I just wasn't ready for little things. I wasn't ready to help somebody with their fucking laundry. Right or wrong, we have a hard time going to bring our own fucking laundry down. Now I got to throw your panties in the laundry and look at your vanilla milk fucking bras that have no smell. Why are we washing these bras? They smell like nothing every once in a while. I get a little onion by the fucking armpit. But you know, there's just a thousand things that you got to help them make a bed.

You got to help them vacuum. We're not built to that shit. And then you got guys that are making money to tell them I'm taking care of everything. Those motherfuckers are never going to fucking bend over and do anything. Trust me when I'm telling you, I see what goes on in relationships. Listen, I'm not Johnny fucking the best around the house, but I try to help her a little bit. I take the garbage out. I fucking, you know, go get groceries from time to time. I take mercy to all her football games. I'm at all the practices.

I'm with all the kickboxing events. You know, that takes a lot of fucking time. Could I do this at 28? I could lie to you. I could lie to you and tell you, oh, I could have done this fucking. I couldn't have done this at fucking 28 years old. So I want to congratulate Mike on his wedding. And if any of you guys are thinking about it or whatever, I just want you to be prepared for it. I think I see a lot of people, especially when you're under 30, you don't even see the transition. You think you get some point of peer pressure somewhere and then all of a sudden you're getting a ring.

And once you get the fucking ring, you open up a fucking Pandora's box of emotions and feelings from everybody. And meanwhile, you're like, did I make a fucking mistake? I've been there, guys. We've all been there. It's okay to admit it now to her. You know, tell her tonight, I know how am I going to tell you what Uncle Joey was saying. We're happy. I love you to death. But the first month I wanted to stab you up to the wedding, but we grew into it. You really do. You grow into it.

Oh, it doesn't work for you. First time I got married, guys, it did not fucking work for me. It did not at any level. I still think about those times and time. You know, just when I have a disagreement with my wife today, I just look at my first marriage and I go, okay, this is, I learned so much of it. But the main thing I learned them in my first marriage was about me and what I was going to tolerate and what I couldn't do and what I, you know, first thing I didn't like about my first marriage was I married her, not her fucking family. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this in a bad way.

I loved her family. I loved the brothers. I loved the girls. I shouldn't even bring this up, but I was surrounded with them. And they were great to me at that time. The father was great. The whole thing, what I'm trying to say is if you live in Philadelphia, move your in-laws to Hershey Park. You know what I'm saying? They're two hours away. Two hours is perfect for your in-laws, you know, and if you may, you understand.

And again, like look at my in-laws today. I fucking love my in-laws. Last Sunday, I spoke to every girl in the family. My sister-in-law, my wife's brother's side, my sister-in-law, my sister's side, my wife's side, her daughter and my mother-in-law. I'm tight with them. I like them. We talk about fried chicken and shit like that because they live in the South. But there's just a lot of things that you might not like your first time.

You know, our parents lived in Boulder and I opted to move to Boulder. So it seemed like, and there were sweethearts, I shouldn't even have said that because that didn't even affect me. But it was kind of, ah, there was parts of it. You know, I always found myself over her house. That's what I'm trying to say, that I didn't have parents. So when you don't have parents to kill off the balance, you find yourself over at their home for all the events, to holidays, whatever. And I just wish I would have had family out there to represent my own, you know, to bring. So she'd go see them, like, since I've been to Jersey.

Yeah, we do Christmas here. We do Christmas around the corner in one of the girls' house with all the kids. But we also do the Christmas at one of my buddy's house in Jackson. He's like my brother. We go over there, light meal, whatever, just to take the fucking pressure off both sides. But marriage is a beautiful thing. Will you be ready for it when you're 23? I don't know.

You got to try. Will you be ready for it when you're 25? I don't know. You got to try. How old are you now, Mike? 41 Wednesday. 41 Wednesday. So he's ready.

He's got no choice. He's got no choice. He had fucking kids, you know. When I walked in here today, I want to talk to you guys about something real quick. I have a lot of comedians on Patreon and I have a lot of comedians who I just checked. Listen, they ask simple questions. When I was in LA and the podcast was bigger and I was touring, I would get more emails from comics, but they were all looking for a handout or a guest set or for me to put them on the Rogan party.

Listen, you get the most outlandish request. But when a comic hits me and says, hey, listen, do you have any tips for writing or I'm trying to get into this club and the owner, I get those type of questions and I really enjoy those, you know. And every once in a while, I get the number one question I get is how long does it take to get rocking and rolling? You know, like, and when I say rocking and rolling, I'm not talking about your own fucking network television or you got the number three podcast in the world. I'm not talking about you paying your bills. You're making progress. You're working towards something every quarter.

You know, there's always something going on. I mean, I'd be the biggest thing, but there's always something going on. I think that for me to continue with this, I have to tell you my personal situation with this. One of the best careers, I'm going to tell you something guys. One of the best careers in Hollywood. The best probably is voiceovers. There's tons of money in it. There's tons of opportunity in it.

And you don't have to do a lot of fucking shit. You get the audition from your voiceover agent. You take a room a quarter the size of this. It could be a closet. It could be a closet. You put a microphone in there. Just the same setup we're doing here. In fact, I got to do avoid this while we're talking about this.

I have to do a voiceover tomorrow that I've been working on since Wednesday. I'm really excited about this voiceover. I make copies, you know, and it's easy. All I got to do is put on my voice memo. That's it. And send it by Monday at 12 o'clock and they want two different takes. So I'm going to give them a dirty take and a clean take, you know? As I call it, one for them, one for me.

The one for them is going to be to the book. To the book, no improvising, nothing like that. And the one for me, I already know how I'm going to do this one, is going to be close to the book. I'm just going to give it color. That's what happens when you smoke some weed and you eat one of those Philly mushroom fucking gummies. You start giving shit color.

So I'm looking at these voiceovers. And this is, like I said, this is a great fucking career for people. I'll give you an example. Vincent Pasteur, I'm not here to spread his fucking bullshit around because he's a great guy. He's been very good to me. I don't know. He did Sharktown.

And he never told me this. I just heard this. You know, he got whatever he gets to shoot a day, $2,000 a day, $3,000 a day. And you shoot maybe three or four days, okay? And you move on, right? You guys are like, Joey, that's not a lot of money. Well, $9,000 is a lot of money, especially where I come from.

But his residual check was $100,000. The first residual check. Now that was 20 years ago, you still had to go into a studio, which I don't mind going into a studio to do a voiceover. There's one camera on you, really, and whatever. So for years, since the fucking minute I walked into LA in 97, people were like, hey, you got a great voice. Hey, you got a great voice.

How come you should do voiceovers? First fucking people that ever contacted me in Los Angeles were fucking Sudden Barton Venari. 20 years ago, they were the biggest camera. 25 years ago. This is 25 years ago when I signed with them. They were huge. I mean, I got that LA January 29th,

and I had signed with them, like, by February 7th. Like, they saw me at the improv and said, we want you. And it doesn't matter. They signed me for commercials, print, and anything else. I asked them about voiceovers, and they were like, anytime. And I didn't understand. I'm like, these motherfuckers, everybody tells me I got a great voice and blah, blah, blah, blah, but nobody ever talked to me.

For years, you know, I took voiceover classes, like intro to voiceover, like Tuesday nights for 60 bucks for eight weeks. I took one of those. She taught me how to make a demo tape. You know, you go into a fucking thing and do the different voices that you do. Like, I'm a man of any voices.

I got one fucking voice, you know. So, you put down tape, and then you send that out. And for years, nothing. So, I kind of got discouraged. I didn't know. I think nothing. I mean, guys, I can't even remember. I was thinking about this.

I banged my head for like 30 minutes the other day. Nothing as a voiceover. Tons of commercial work. I'm very happy. And then I did a movie, American Gun with James Colbert. And I was just telling the story the other day. James Colbert and I fucked up. It was a Sunday night shoot.

We did at this bowling alley on, I don't know what the fuck it was. Oh, it was on Melrose. There was this famous bowling alley. I went in there one day to get french fries. They took me there in the afternoon. I saw Janine Garofalo and Andy Dickman there playing fucking at me. There was like an alternative comedian hang out. And they did comedy there.

But one night we were shooting a movie in the parking lot. I got a role in this fucking movie. Rick Pagano was the casting director. And there was a movie with James Colbert and fucking, you know, my time. It was 11 o'clock at night. And they're like, you know what? We have no trailers. Do you mind just sending your car into your shoot?

We'll get you out of here. Well, they didn't get me out of there. And at four in the morning they broke me for lunch. I go fucking home and I get some reefer and I bring it back to the fucking set because they're like, you're not going to shoot till like seven in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck? I don't understand movies back then. It was like 2000, maybe 2001.

And this is one of those stories that I'm going to tell you. You're going to go, Joe, you're lying to us. But it's the truth because sometimes you just get fucking blamed for conspiracy. When I got back at four, I had some fucking weed. I smoked a joint in the parking lot. And I sat in my car at one point. I said, you know what? I'm kind of thirsty.

So I walked into the trailer where they had the food and James Coburn sitting there with another dude and two chicks and they're drinking beers. I'll never forget James Coburn had arthritis in his hands. The way he was holding his beer cups. I was just happy to be around them. I walk in. Now I could tell that they just weren't smoking dope and drinking beer. But while I was in there getting the water, one of the guys go, hey, you want to hit this joint?

Now James Coburn is shooting this fucking movie. And the other guy is shooting this movie. You know, I was trying to be fucking professional, but somebody, you know, do you want to smoke this joint? I go, you sure? So I take a hit of the joint right there, the fucking director walks in. And he swings me with the joint in the fucking head. I give it back to the actor. I leave the day.

How are you doing? You're going to be up next. Okay. I go to my car. I do the scene. I give the gun to James Coburn. I sell it to him for 50 bucks. I'm just a fucking guy in a windbreak.

I go up to him. He says, you got it. I go, I got it. Thank you. And I walk away. That was my big scene with James Coburn. Three days later, my agent calls and he goes, what happened on that fucking set last night? I go, what are you talking about?

Nothing happened. It was great. I shot my scene. It was the director said you went home and got beer. I go, I don't drink. Why the fuck would I get beer and bring it to a set? I go, I went home to get a fucking half a joint that I had. I was broke.

I go, I had like a half a joint. I just wanted to do something that wasn't going to shoot right away. I was sitting there fucking sober all goddamn night. So I go, I got back and I go to the thing to get a water and James Coburn's in there. They're drinking beers and smoking dope before they're in the fucking morning. I don't know what's going on. And he goes, well, the director said that when you walked out, he looked at the table and there was coke on the table.

Did you see that? And I go, not at all. I didn't see shit. And he goes, well, they said that one of the actors was pretty hammered. They thought that you were doing coke with them. I'm like, come on, Jeff, come on, dog. I party at night by myself, not with other set. I know I can't even do it to get on stage.

I knew all this shit at this time. And they were like, okay, like a week later, I got a call from fucking whatever. And they go, that acting role got cut. You have to come and do paperwork to do a voice over fucking. So they took my fucking voice, they cut me from the movie and they just wanted to use my voice. That's the only fucking time I got a voice over. And as creepy as that story sounds, I did not bring any cocaine on that set.

You know how I know? Because I didn't even have the money for cocaine that night. I had nothing. And I wouldn't bring coke to a set if you know anything about me. So that was it. I thought my voice over career came to a fucking end. But guess what happens? The podcast world.

The podcast world just opened it up. So when I signed with the agent, they were like, hey man, would you consider doing voice over? I'm like, fuck yeah. And I popped big city greens. And I thought when I pop big city greens, I'm like, it's over. That's it. Fuck stand up. Fuck podcast.

Those guys make like a half a million dollars a year. Those voice over guys, they make good money and they're all the same. Quiet. They drive economical cars. They don't buy. They really do. They buy. Bro, Carlos, I was rocky.

All those dudes. I know those dudes for years. Those big voice over guys, they're fucking, they have tremendous careers. They don't leave their house and they, some of them even have to go to the set. Some of them have to go to like a recording studio and you could do whatever recording studio you want. Remember, it doesn't have to be like their recording studio. So for me, I got to go.

What? Tell them how far the recording studio is three fucking minutes up the street. So, but the point being is that it took me close to seriously guys, 25 fucking years to get a voice over in comedy, 25 years in comedy. And I couldn't get a fucking voice over. Was I starting to get depressed? Listen, you can't always get what you want. You get what you need, but I was a little concerned like Jesus Christ.

I can't get no voice over. Now this is where it gets interesting for young comics because it all comes together. And I never want you to get fucking discouraged about this. Nobody wants to fucking talk to you when you're just funny. What a shame. What a shame that I have to tell young comics this when they ask me these type of questions that you could be a fucking hilarious feature act, be right there on the cusp for headlining. You're right on the fucking cusp for headlining.

And all you need is something to push you over the fucking car. It could be a voice over. It could be a role in a movie. It could be any of those fucking things. Like nobody really understands you're in that position. You're on the fucking, you're on tour with the Foo Fighters. You know what I'm saying? It don't get no better than that on the touring world.

And he opens up, Dave Grohl uses two opening acts to fucking open from. The first year on tour with the Foo Fighters, you were the first act. You went out there and got shit thrown at you. People told you you sucked. You slept, you smelled feet on the bus. You didn't get paid. The record label ain't paying you. This is fucking, you know, your own salary.

But then you got to call again from the Foo Fighters. And they want you to support on the second album. But now you're not the first band. You're the second band. And you're the fucking, you do great, man. You do great. And then you did so great, the Stones call you. And they want you to open up for them as the second band before us.

You know, shit's starting to happen for you. What pushes you over the headline? Like I remember seeing Cheryl Crowe. And she was there with somebody else. I don't remember who it was. She was fucking tremendous Cheryl Crowe. Tremendous before she went up before. And this is in Boulder.

And six months later, she came back, headlined and charged whatever she was charging the ticket. And there was that fucking album, the Tuesday Night Music Club, you know, but you always need that with comedy. You need that. You need that last push. And you don't know what it is. And it gets you so fucking frustrated. It's a three years struggle to find what that is.

For me, I thought it was going to be analyze that. The analyze that suck dick. Then, you know, it's just a fucking one after the other. So you kind of get down on yourself. And you're like, but once you cross that bridge to headline, I could sit here and explain to you how you become a headliner. But it didn't happen for me. I don't even know how I started headlining.

But it was the longest yard that made people at least. Rogan comes in Thursday through Sunday. You come in on Wednesday and do headline and then, you know, four people come see you. Because why would they pay 15 bucks for you when they could pay 30 for Rogan and see you and Rogan. So it's very rough. But you're learning how to headline. But what my point is that nothing is really going to happen until you start selling tickets. I've said this before and I'll say this again.

You're going to have great things are going to happen in your career. They happen for me. I saw great things happening, but I couldn't figure out how to get people through the door. But I'll tell you, I could sit here and go to Liz. How it worked for me. This is how it worked for Ari. You know, I saw how it happened for Joe. I did all those shows with Joe in 98 when he was still wrapping up News Radio.

And I saw him just go to a different level with fear factor, but it wasn't just fear factor. He took his comedy to a different level also. And that I still remember 4th of July one year where, you know, you needed radio to sell tickets. Everybody always, man, if I could do a radio show, I could sell out. And there was no radio. It was 4th of July weekend and fucking Rogan sold his mother fuck out. And there was no podcast back then. It was his work on social media that eliminated all that.

He didn't have to do radio ever again, you know, ever again. He dated it as a matter of fact. But my point is, don't get discouraged guys because, you know, they're not going to call you. Now I get calls for voiceovers. Now, like this week, I'm laying a voiceover down guys. This is the voiceover I wanted all my life. How long have I been in the business? 32 years.

I'm not the star of the show anything like that. This is just a character in a fucking ensemble with a comedy ensemble. I think I'm a fucking cougar or something like that. Not a broad cougar that fucks, you know, none of those cougars. But a regular crazy cougar. That's a thief. It's a recurring. That means you'll do an episode a week for whatever, 13 episodes, whatever they do.

Guys, I've been looking for that role since I moved the fuck in LA. It took 25 fucking years. 25 out of 32 years of doing comedy or being involved with comedy. How's that one for you? So I get all these emails about, you know, Sal and I get Nick. They're all my Patreon guys. They're always talking about a little stand up things. And I'm like, listen guys, it's this easy.

But I also want you to understand this was the problem. This is what happened to Lee in LA. Okay. You guys are listening to Tom Segura. You guys listen to Bert Kreischer. You guys are listening to Theo Vaughn. They're all great headliners. But by you listening to them and being involved in their life, you want more for your career.

And I understand, but you're not there yet. It's going to take some time. And I don't ever want your feelings to get hurt. If you ever have a problem as a young comic email Lee on Twitter and say, Lee, what was it like? When you're an open mic, hang out with open mic. I'm sure you want to hang out with Whitney Cummings. I'm sure you want to hang out with Bert Kreischer. But what are the chances of that right off the fucking bat until you earn a name or somebody talks about you?

Because remember, you got to be, what's that old expression? You got to be noticed before you could be seen. I don't fucking know what it is. But there's steps to this thing. Don't get fucking down on yourself at all. They might not want to talk to you now. But guess what, bitch? If you do the work, they're going to want to talk to you in 10 years.

And that's all you fucking need to know. And how do I know that? Because I'm fucking living it. I couldn't get arrested for voiceover. But guess what happened? My friends started doing shows. The most notable one was Duncan Trussell. Duncan Trussell put me on fucking six of those episodes.

So all of a sudden they let my agent know, holy shit, this fucking guy's voice. So now they get me more stuff for voiceover work. But it took time, guys. So don't sit there cursing everybody because your career isn't going as fast as you wanted to go. Put the time in, slow it down a little bit, think about what you're doing, write it out. And man, it's not a fucking, it's not a race. It's a fucking marathon. That's all the fucking advice I give you is to stay in the comic.

That you're funny, stick with it, believe in yourself. And then this is for anybody. We discussed how it would be with a band. Right? What would it be for a band? Three tours, four tours. You want a headline, but now fucking, who called you? Allison Chains called you and they want you to go on tour.

And you're like, fuck, we want to do our own headlining tour. But now Allison Chains called me. But you know what? That tour with Allison Chains is going to teach you something else. It's going to add something else to your fucking resume. You know, when I work with Byrd or Joe or when I used to open for Paul Rodriguez, any of those guys, I always learned a little something. But that's not what we're talking about here.

What we're talking about is waiting for you to turn on the fucking food chain. Wait for it. You're not, you have to get into that food chain and then move up. You know how they can, you ever watch those shows? Oh, they hit hammers and then it moves down and you hit the conveyor belt. Let's just get on the conveyor belt and then every like 10 notches. It's like when you go to Vegas and bet black or whatever, it falls on either one. If you don't put every 10 notches, you'll fall into the notch headline.

This, that, it's going to happen, but don't want it too soon. Just cause you're doing comedy for three years and you did 30 minutes the other night at the local bar and a bunch of drugs gave you a standing ovation. Don't mean you're ready for that guys. It takes a lot more than that. It takes time. So always remember, it's not a fucking race to the finish. It's a fucking journey and you don't know.

You just don't know like right now. I don't know, but I'm having fucking fun. I'm looking forward to my next date in New York. I'm looking forward to Philadelphia. I'm looking forward for this pilot. I'm going to shoot because I slowed it down a little bit and I'm more fucking enthusiastic than fucking ever. Coxuckers and it's Monday the 26th of fucking September. We're already dog.

I still remember getting COVID in fucking December. Still remember shit. I can't believe this fucking year has flown and because this year's flying. Listen, Coxuckers time. Don't wait for nobody. It's fucking ticking. That war is still on and you're still fucking thinking about your next career move. Tip top.

McGoo Coxuckers. It's the final quarter and now it becomes a fucking race to see how you could close out this year to set you up for 2023. And that's it. And that's that Coxuckers. It's going to be a fucking great week. Monday night football tonight. And that's it. I love you motherfuckers.

I'll be back Wednesday the 28th and we'll chit chat some more shit. Take my advice to heart. If you're thinking about getting married, give me a shot. What do you got to fucking lose? Just don't have no kids. So the divorce is easy. You take the iron. She takes the Subaru.

You know what I'm saying? I love your Coxuckers. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you for having my back today. It was fun. It was fun doing the podcast today, but fuck fun. The joint is brought to you by ExpressVPN.

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