Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #200 | VIC DIBITETTO | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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Starting point is 00:04:13 Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Welcome to the fucking joint you bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday the 28th. The guest today is the fucking man of steel. This guy is a fucking human success story. Mr. Vic DiBettatetto. That's it.

Starting point is 00:05:17 That's close enough. Vic D. Vic D is what I call it. Vic D. Fuck around. That's okay. I'm used to it. I'm honored to be here.

Starting point is 00:05:25 You look fucking great. Thank you. I'm honored to have you. Thank you. What happened to your chin? It's like. It was a fucking ingrown hair. It went from being an ingrown hair that I cut with a razor that became a boil

Starting point is 00:05:38 and then became a staff infection. Wow. When they threw the antibiotics on it, it didn't do dick to it. So I did a biopsy and I'm waiting for the results. I'm sitting here today and my doctor lives around the corner. So she's walking her fucking dog and I see it. So what's the story? Ten minutes before you came.

Starting point is 00:05:56 I was outside getting some sun and she goes, the biopsy didn't come back yet but I think it's fungal. I think that you have like a fungal that's in my body because I have the fungi. Fungal is better than cancer. But we can't take the fucking pills for it because it destroys your liver. Oh boy. So you have the toenail too? It's between my pinky and my next toe.

Starting point is 00:06:18 And it's the same cream you're using. Yeah. You put it on your feet, your toes. I put fucking. Yeah. It's got to be exposed. I got to wear slippers. Right.

Starting point is 00:06:27 And my wife hates my feet. She did it. My wife don't like them either. It's disgusting. I got a bunion that hasn't hurt in 30 years. So. And my one toe, I took the nail out. This is years ago.

Starting point is 00:06:40 The big toe. And my mother-in-law says it looks like the head of upup which is octopus. Upup is how you say? Upup. Upup. Well we're barees. That's a whole different dialect. Okay.

Starting point is 00:06:53 There's nobleidon, Sicilian, galibre. Barry is on the other side of the, above the heel. Okay. And you've got to say upup. We say pulpo. Yeah. It's a, yeah. Barees is like Chinese to Sicilians.

Starting point is 00:07:05 Okay. Good to know. Good to fucking know. But yeah, it's been a long time, man. When I got here, we met at the Manila Pandina. Yes. There was eight people in there. I was petrified that day. That was during COVID. That was like the thick of it. I remember getting, every time I was in the nine, I thought I was going to get COVID with the window open. That's how bad it got into my fucking mind, like it just fucked me up. Well, that shit is slowly behind us. Oh my God. Once you get COVID, you're like, okay.

Starting point is 00:07:38 Do you get the booster? Yeah. Me too. I got the booster, the second booster. The booster that took me to outer space. I didn't get the second booster and I'm not getting this booster. No, I'm done with boosters. I said, you're all boosted out. Right. Right. Well, I'm all boosted up. You know, you go to fucking CVS. They got 19 boosters. They want you to come in, do the flu one while you're here. Oh, that minute, that minute clinic. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:00 And while you're here, do the COVID and you should do the fucking channels. And then while you're here, do the eyelash COVID, do the fucking, you know what? You might as well give me your ass and I'll shoot the monkey pox in there in case you want to go to a gay bar for a cocktail. Do you ever get tested for COVID? Yes. They give it his foot long Q tip. I asked the lady, where's that going? She's going to swab your nose. I'm like, you're going to give me a fucking lobotomy with that thing. The beginnings of my ass. The beginnings of COVID were a fucking nightmare.

Starting point is 00:08:27 Yes. There were lines for Wegmans. You had to wash your hands before you went in. That was sick. Oh, we didn't know. I hate when people get mad at us for how we acted at the beginning of the fucking pandemic. People were dying. We panicked, which is normal guys. We panicked. And we didn't know if I told you that Russia just released a gas that you're going to die between now and a week from now until the gas gets here. You're going to fucking panic, guys. Once you hit New York, you're going to see what happens in New York if you're in Montana. You're going to go, what happened in New York? 300 people are dead. You're going to fucking panic.

Starting point is 00:09:05 Realize what the fuck's going on. Oh, put iodine in your nose. Whatever they tell you, nuclear war. They tell you something because there's Russian people here. And they told me the Russian mom told me buy iodine and put it in your eyeballs or whatever. All my shows were canceled. I was going to bed after Jeopardy. It was horrible. The quarantine. I'm still surprised. I'm still married. I'm going to tell you something. 40 years with someone and you got a quarantine. She told me one morning, stop doing that. Like doing what? Breathing.

Starting point is 00:09:35 One morning, my blinking was bothering her. It's too loud. It was a rough period for a lot of people. People didn't know. That's one of the first things I read, like three weeks into it. Like maybe two or three weeks into it. I read that by people being stuck in the house. There's going to be a lot of domestic violence. Yes. Yes. So the first impression and anxiety and suicide was I went out to the couch and I decided. I'm going to make her an ally during all this.

Starting point is 00:10:07 I can't go to war with her every day. Can't go to war about stupid things, make her an ally, help her out. I remember working out outside by myself and my bodies would have tingles from the fear. Like as I was working out, my body would get red and I go, I got to stop doing something that's not right. So you look at the beginnings of what happened to us as a country and as comedians and as artists and as human beings. Look what they're saying now. Kids are fucked up. Those kids, those two years in the house, some kids are fucked up. Joey, the world we grew up with is no more. We come from a different time. You know, this is how they live today with these cell phones. That's it.

Starting point is 00:10:47 You know, if it's not an app, they don't know how to deal with it. We come from the streets. They will never, where the last link to the greatest generations in our family. My mother-in-law passed away in December. It's now just me and my wife. My kids, they don't, you know, it's, the world has changed. It's fucking upside down. There's no more morals, values and people are fucking crazy out there. That's why I love what I do, you know, make people laugh. I saw the other day somebody put something up on Instagram that they worked hard on. You know, somebody just put it up, you know, just put a fucking star, whatever, be a heart, you know.

Starting point is 00:11:28 You do ten hearts a day. It's good for your psyche. You're being a nice fucking person. But I looked at the comment to see what it was that she had drawn or whatever. I don't even know this person. I don't even know. I don't even know how it came into my field. It was such an interesting picture. I read the comments and like four comments were people like me that were like, that's beautiful work, you know. Eight of them were like, it sucks. I don't even know you. I don't even, why would you say that to people? The social media has been a double-edged sword for me.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Look, without the social media, I wouldn't have the following I have. Me neither. Now it's turned into a fucking shit show. Like you just said, you could put, I'm going to adopt a kitten. What's the matter with dogs? You don't like dogs? I was molested by a kitten. I'm going to block you. Holy fuck, it's shit. You can't say nothing. You can't say nothing. You know what it is? These mutants have always been out there, but the social media just exposed it. Because now every loser who lives under a fucking rock, now they have a voice.

Starting point is 00:12:27 They're delusional, miserable, jealous, narcissistic fucking scumbags. They couldn't do, they couldn't do what we did in a fucking, in a fucking week, what we did in a day. You know, it baffles me that I started paying attention to this about ten years ago. And you're watching these sport, like when I go to the gym down the corner, they have a TV in there. So when I'm on the bike, I naturally, it's right there. It's right fucking there. So I'm watching it and I watch the sports things, you know. I don't care about what, the skipping, Shannon or whatever the fuck. But they sit there and, like the white dude, I don't know who that is. Skip, whatever.

Starting point is 00:13:05 Which channel? I don't fucking know. Fox Sports. Oh, okay. I don't have known half these people. I understand the other guy criticizing football players. But I don't understand a guy that's never played football. Not talking about football. Criticizing this shit. Right.

Starting point is 00:13:22 It bothers, I understand sports riders and all that stuff. And this is why, like before I, I don't talk about a lot of shit. Like people, hey Joe, talk about this current event. I don't know about it. And I don't want to talk about it unless I fucking know ins and outs about it, you know. And it's like what happened with the COVID thing. Like since we're talking about this, really interesting that I thought about this shit the other day. I forgot what I was going to fucking tell you. The COVID thing.

Starting point is 00:13:48 I forgot. I fucking slipped my mind. That's why you don't smoke dope in the morning. Dope in the morning. Yeah. Dope. I did a gummy before I came here. I feel very relaxed. Nice. How many milligrams? Just, I think 250.

Starting point is 00:14:00 So you do, you do just the gummies. I used to smoke pot. I gag now. Gummies are so convenient. They're convenient. They just sneak up on you. It doesn't smell. It's nice. I bought them from the voteys. I put fucking mozzarella and fucking roast beef and gummies at the voteys.

Starting point is 00:14:18 They had gummies? Yes. The one in the freehold. Okay. The one in freehold. But TFC gummies? Yeah. Oh, shit. They're in a grass case.

Starting point is 00:14:26 Oh, shit. I have some more in the car if you want. No, I got fucking gummies of all dimensions here. We got all dimensions of fucking gummies. But you got to do it like, you can't do it when you shower. I stayed at the showerhead one night for 45 minutes. I didn't even turn the water on. Just dammit at the fucking thing.

Starting point is 00:14:45 But my daughter, she made a bong out of an apple. Well, no, your daughter's too young. One day you're going to get high with her. I don't want to do that. No, you'll see. I don't want to do that. My daughter was a pastry chef for three fucking days. She got the attention span of a flesh cube, my daughter.

Starting point is 00:15:03 So she made a bong out of an apple. I come home. I smoked a weed from the front of the house. She got this apple in front of her face. Big plumber smoked. I'm like, Victoria, what the fuck are you doing? What the neighbors? All right, Dad, you caught me.

Starting point is 00:15:14 I'm smoking weed. Didn't you smoke weed? I'm like, is mommy still sleeping? How do you do it? Just show me how it works. You cover this up. Fuck. When you inhale, you taste the apple.

Starting point is 00:15:24 There's no burning. But I got the munchie. I ate the fucking apple. And now you got double strong. She still pissed off at me. There ain't no fucking bong. Let me ask you this. When was the last time you smoked?

Starting point is 00:15:36 Oh, a year ago? Really? I gagged. I choke. It happened. Listen, I can't smoke a lot anymore. I could smoke three, four bongs. And then I eat.

Starting point is 00:15:49 Then I eat like I got three fucking air holes, you know? See, I don't eat on reefer. I'm past that point. Really? Doesn't make you hungry? No. Do you go to sleep? Weed keeps me up.

Starting point is 00:16:01 Coffee, I could drink and go right to sleep. Me too. Me too. But weed or indica. Indica will keep you up. What is that? Not an indica. A sativa will keep you.

Starting point is 00:16:15 It's three different types of weeds. Sativa, indica, hybrid. Okay. And it's the one gives you more energy. Nice. But I'm an indica guy. I want to see the devil. I want to drool.

Starting point is 00:16:27 I don't want to see the devil. I want to drool. Nah. I like to drool. I like to fall asleep. I like all that shit. I like to float in my pool, relax. Me too.

Starting point is 00:16:37 Me too. My hot tub, barbecue. I love smoking pot and lifting weights. Oh. I never did that. I love all that shit. I'm going to try that. It makes you stronger?

Starting point is 00:16:45 Nah. But it makes you forget about what you're doing. I did 2,000 pushups today. Wow. Nice. Did you lift weights? Yeah. I did 2,000 because you keep forgetting.

Starting point is 00:16:55 I do 20 pushups. I do 20 pushups. I do 10 pushups. You keep forgetting. I'm going to try that. Beautiful. I got a trainer. That'll blow her mind.

Starting point is 00:17:03 You had an interesting career like myself. We both got a little recognition as we got older. Yes. Do you think that was better? Absolutely. Me too. I think I would have been in a fucking gutter somewhere. Me too.

Starting point is 00:17:16 You know, in the 70s, late 70s, when I grew up in Brooklyn, I was doing crazy shit. You know, I fucking, I just, I did coke once. It gave me diarrhea. I was head fucking. I was spitting up. I'm just a beer and pot guy. You know? You know, I did some knocking around and shit.

Starting point is 00:17:33 You know, when you grew up in Brooklyn in the late 70s, you know, you've been around. You've been around the wise guys. You know? Remember Angels with 30 Faces? Pat O'Brien and James Cagney? Yes. He was, he ran fast. That's why he didn't get caught like Rocky Sullivan did.

Starting point is 00:17:48 You know? I got friends that are either dead or in jail. So I took, you know, I was the class clown. I started at Pip's Comedy Club, where the mobsters met the lobsters. Pip's fucking, that was the fucking oldest. Lenny Bruce performed there. I went on stage. I used to, the lineup was me, Richard Jenny, John Mulroney, Otto and George.

Starting point is 00:18:11 I mean, that was the comedy bootcamp. That was the only club in the country where the fucking owner would heckle you. Ray Garvey. God rest his soul. Now Ray Garvey owned it all those years. No, it was three owners. He was the third owner. Used to be Seth and Marty Schultz.

Starting point is 00:18:27 I never met them. George Schultz was, they say, where Rodney got, I get no respect from. They say he got that line from George Schultz. Oh, Pip's was the fucking nucleus of comedy back in the, oh yeah. Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, and now it's a fucking Russian restaurant. You know, it's, I'm glad I started there. Andrew. The first time I went on stage, Andrew Dice Clay was the emcee.

Starting point is 00:18:53 That's how fucking long I'm doing this. Dice didn't have that character right away. No. He used to be an impressionist. He did Robert De Niro, Stallone. And Travolta. Travolta and American fucking Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts.

Starting point is 00:19:10 At a campfire. Fucking hilarious. Later on, he got the whole Dice persona. It's crazy how many people came out of Pip's. I met Ray at the end. Where'd you start? Excuse me. Where did you start?

Starting point is 00:19:25 Denver. Really? Wow. Interesting. Grew up here. Grew up here. Never went to a comedy club. My friends went a couple of times and went to see Eddie Murphy.

Starting point is 00:19:36 I never, you know, I was a cokehead. I can't sit there and giggle for fucking two hours. Oh, not a coke. No. Maybe a mescaline, yeah. Yeah, but I just didn't. I wasn't into it. I didn't know.

Starting point is 00:19:47 And I kicked myself and he asked for it because you have all this training here in New York that's available to you. And I was like, I didn't even know it existed. I thought that to be, I thought to get in a movie, you had a bartender and somebody came in and noticed you. Right. And you got the job like Bruce Willis. That was the story.

Starting point is 00:20:05 And Paul Reiser. And Paul Reiser. And I heard all those stories. Oh, yeah. So we didn't know where to start. I didn't know that you could go to an acting class and rehearse and do all that shit. I went out to Denver, did everything in the world that I could, tried everything. I was a brick mason.

Starting point is 00:20:20 I was an electrician. I built walls. I fucking roofed. I did everything. And I knew I just kept comedy was in the back burner. It was always in the back burner. I'm like, I'm never gonna, I'm a felon. These people are nice white people.

Starting point is 00:20:34 You know, they do comedy. They go home. You know, I didn't know the underworld of comedy at the time that there was so many drugs involved. And I knew the Belushi stories. I loved Richard Pryor. And then I just took a stand up comedy class and I got out of the prison. Did you ever meet Colin?

Starting point is 00:20:50 No. No. Yes, I did. I met him in Spokane, Washington. That was my idol. I had all his albums. I met him in Washington. Genius.

Starting point is 00:20:58 He was more than a comic. He was like a God, a professor, you know. He was a tremendous, tremendous fucking writer, man. And he really just, I respected him, but I liked Pryor a little more because he was on the wild side. Absolutely. More with the Coke and the hookers. The one with the red outfit when he talks about the mafia.

Starting point is 00:21:19 Oh my God. Oh my God. Holy shit. Come here. Come here. Fuck yeah. You got to see it. It's fucking great.

Starting point is 00:21:27 I started with Pryor like in 73. I went to my friend's house and his brother was a junkie. And we went over to listen to the Beatles Whiteout and his brother came out and said, what the fuck you motherfuckers listening to? And he put on Richard Pryor. This is something I said. And when I heard Dracula versus the wine out, I was done. I was fucking done.

Starting point is 00:21:50 And then when I got to the prison, I read that book by Lenny Bruce about when he lived in the Chelsea and all that shit. Yep. Yep. So what else does this guy like me want to do? This is the perfect life. He works for the strip club and the bullet show. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:22:05 He goes back to the Chelsea and he shoots heroin. At least he knows who he is. And I was content with being that person as sad as it sounds. I was content. That's the life of a stand up comic. We were talking about this earlier. This is why it conflicts with guys like you and I. I had a friend of mine talking to me last week about his girlfriend and she's getting

Starting point is 00:22:25 some heat and comedy and she wants to headline at four years. And I'm like, it's a fucking mistake. Four years. I go, it's a mistake. I go, you could headline like a D room to get time, but you're not going to put yourself in a good position. And he goes, why not? And I go, because you have to develop a fucking muscle.

Starting point is 00:22:42 There's a certain muscle and at four years, you don't have, I don't give a fuck what you tell me. Stage time. I don't give a fuck what you tell me at four years. You don't have that muscle. You got the time. I can go up there and do three hours. Is it going to be funny?

Starting point is 00:22:57 Not really. Is it going to be entertaining? I don't know. But you know, these people don't care. They want it all too quickly. She's younger. And I'm like, that's insulting. Some of their egos are bigger than their acts.

Starting point is 00:23:08 Well, because they got a little bit of heat. And this is where I had the heart. I would have never had a career if it wasn't for social media. I did not like it. When Rogan would say shit to me about Twitter, I go, let me ask you a question. Do you think that Richard Pryor leaves the comedy store at two o'clock and goes home to tweet people? Right.

Starting point is 00:23:30 Are you fucking retarded? That is not the path that we followed. Could you imagine George Collin on Facebook? People would have seizures. Seizures. They'd be jumping off the ledge. But it's very, it's very, like it wasn't who we were. Right.

Starting point is 00:23:49 And I was telling Jimmy Florentine two days ago. I go, I'll tell you when I fucking knew social media had to do something. When I saw Rogan sell out, this is like 2000. He sold out Irvine without radio. Was this after Fear Factor? This is right on the Cosmo Fear Factor. But there was no advertising is what my point was. And he added two shows for the July weekend.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Wow. So, yeah. So, uh, he fucking, I walked in there and the show was completely sold out. And I go, how did you do this without radio? And he goes, social media. Press the button. And before that stuff went down with Mancey and stuff. Right.

Starting point is 00:24:31 He was packing the comedy store on Friday nights, packing it with social media. So I figured you had to get on, you know, once, what's his name fucking blew up. Then you had everybody. Who's that? The guy that jumped up and down. He's got a new special out. Dane Cook. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:24:49 Because Dane, Dane was the professional on MySpace and he, uh, It's funny you mentioned Joe Rogan. The last time I saw him, he, this is like, you ever have one of those obscure random memories? Yeah. Meanwhile, you don't know what the fuck you had for breakfast. It was the Boston Comedy Club in West, West Fork Street, Manhattan. Yeah. Me and Rogan, he's Rob Schneider's on stage and he used to have this bit about different

Starting point is 00:25:15 ways to use the word dude, dude, dude, dude, you know, different situations. He's killing, he's crushing. Me and Rogan are off in the hallway. He's, he's about to go on. Rod got the light. He's eating fucking Chinese spare rib. Like Joe, you're going on soon. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:25:34 He finished it and he got introduced. That's it. That's, that's my Joe Rogan story. I'll never forget the first time I worked with your rascals. West Orange. West Orange. That was one of the greatest comedy club. Danny McKenna.

Starting point is 00:25:48 Hey, dude. The only manager who could fart at will, if you say Danny, do me for the fart. He could fart. I can't do that. I still talk to him. I'm, do that. I love him to that. The hairdo.

Starting point is 00:26:00 Yeah. The hairdo, the hairdo didn't move. But I think I worked with you because I had a bad experience with Rocky La Porte. Oh, from Chicago. Because he was mad because I was improvising. And then he, oh, he's too dirty. He's improvising. He's this.

Starting point is 00:26:14 He's that. Why don't you love comics? So I go, hairdo, you got to put me with a fucking Sabbath. It's not going to complain about me because I got the guy. And the next time you come, it was you. And that night you did a bit about going on vacation with your kids in a station wagon from Staten Island. You did 20 minutes and you're like, I'm the best part of it.

Starting point is 00:26:32 All that happened. We didn't even leave the fucking parking spot yet. And I fucking died. And I called Rogan. I go, dog, I'm working rascals with this fucking dude. Vinny. He's like, oh my God, that dude's a fucking dangerous dude. Be careful.

Starting point is 00:26:47 And you were fucking destroyed. I mean, I was in awe. Like talking about the kids and getting in the station wagon and your wife was yelling. And then at one point you're going, all this, and we didn't even get out of the fucking parkway yet. We didn't even get out of the parking lot. Fucking dying. What year was that?

Starting point is 00:27:05 90. No. I started in 91. I didn't work rascals till late 90s. Camacho. That had to be Tony Camacho. Tony Camacho. The big, you ever see his tongue?

Starting point is 00:27:19 It's like, it's tremendous. I know you probably think I had a fuck that I see his tongue. I know. That's not good. That's not good. He's got a big tongue. He'll display it to people. I haven't heard from him.

Starting point is 00:27:31 I don't know where he is. He's like the Pete Best of fucking comedy, right? Yeah, he is. You know what I'm saying? Nobody ever heard from him. He was right there with Messina and all of them. Yep. And nobody.

Starting point is 00:27:43 He called me once for a ride from the airport. Hey, are you busy talking? Can you give me a ride to the airport? I'm like, are you fucking crazy, Tony Camacho? This is LAX. The sweetest guy, though. Nice guy. He calls me up and says, Vic, what are you doing?

Starting point is 00:27:55 May 1st and 2nd. He said, Tony, I'm booked with you. I was booked. He didn't know he had me. You're a sweetheart of a guy. Biggest tongue. You think of all those people that we came across. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:28:09 And I call these people. I'm thinking of writing another book and I'm calling it Angels. Just to give these people credit. The people that came into your life on the fucking road. Like, people that had no reason to talk to you at the time. Because, you know, we weren't. Nobody knew who the fuck we were. And these people went out of their way for you.

Starting point is 00:28:26 They took you to eat. They showed you. I miss that whole lifestyle. I fucking miss that, that small mind comedy tour mentality. Right. Once it gets too big, you enjoy it. Yes. And you look around and you go, this is what I worked for all those years.

Starting point is 00:28:41 I'm very happy. I attained it. But then you realize what you really want to do and what works for you. You'll come to where you should do fucking amphitheaters. Guess what, man? I love the money. I'll make an amphitheater. But you know what I love more?

Starting point is 00:28:56 The personal and the, I like smaller rooms. That's perfect. Uncle Finney's, he's also been a great. Him and Jerry. Dino has been and Jerry's a sweetheart. I talk more with Dino, but Jerry's a great guy. He's always there. But Dino has been a fucking godsend.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Did he ever tell you that story? I'm on stage and they literally, you know, when you're on stage and to the left, two people sit there. It was two guys. One guy was like this. He was about to fall asleep. The other guy was like this. And he was, looked like it was about to throw up.

Starting point is 00:29:29 Dino and Jerry just pulled the chair with the guy on it. Out the, it was like a scene from Goodfellas. Out the back door, pushed the chair into the fucking, all that garbage juices and they're kicking him and beating the shit out of him. They closed the door. His partner has still no idea that what the fuck just happened there. I was on stage while this happened and I'm doing my act, you know, just to keep the audience attention away.

Starting point is 00:29:55 But next time you talk to Dino, that's my uncle Vinny's story. I think that was a little better than my Joe Rogan story. Yeah. But I love Dino. I love going down there. It's a small fucking place and it really like, you want to go into the city some nights, you want to go to Caroline's, you want to do this and you're like, you know what, I'm just going to go to a point.

Starting point is 00:30:17 I love Dino, but we got to have a talk to him. He's got to make a fucking green room. He's got to clean out that office and that little green room for the comics. What do you think? I don't care whatever the fuck he does in there at this point. It's such a cute little class. I mean, agree. Where do you hang out when you go to the green room?

Starting point is 00:30:36 That's not a green room. It's his office. But there's what it is. That's why I hang. He probably cleans it up for you. No, it's when I get there, there's fucking boxes on the couch. I still got a blanket that somebody gave me to a show. Every night I go, Dino, I got to bring this home.

Starting point is 00:30:50 Okay. I'll give it to you. And every night I come home and I'm like, fuck, I forgot that blank. You know, we're getting old. We like that little blanket. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was your fucking stinky feet at night.

Starting point is 00:31:00 Oh, yeah. My balls are touching the toilet water now. Oh, please. When I pee. My boys were touching them when I was fucking 45. Who the fuck are you kidding? But this social like, listen, when I got into comedy, I struggled for a long time like you did.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Right. What were you praying for it to happen? I'm just curious what like for me to break it down for you for me. I sustained comedy as hard as I as much as long as I could, but I was waiting for the day I could tell my story. I always knew in the back of my head because I was watching HBO once you hate a boxer. Right. You might hate a boxer, but when you watch that fucking the up, you know, they're fighting

Starting point is 00:31:43 in two weeks and they take you to their house and you meet their wife. And all of a sudden you're like that fucking that animals got six kids. He puts nail polish on with his daughter that fucking and you're like, oh, I like this guy now. You know, it's not them just seeing you with a microphone and talking about, you know, what you're what's on your mind. But I always knew what was your thing. And I didn't know was the internet was going to provide it for me.

Starting point is 00:32:09 I didn't want to drive a school bus the rest of my life, you know, because I'd be coming in and I'd see guys my age and all the, you know, playing cards. I said, I don't want to. It was scary. I didn't know 2013 was the perfect storm in my career. I signed with a great manager who tripled my money and got me off the school bus. Kevin James calls me out of nowhere, puts me in more cop too. I get a viral video called bread and milk and the fans.

Starting point is 00:32:41 I was selling tickets. It was beautiful. You know, I just didn't want to have a regular job the rest of my life. I always wanted to be a comedian. You know, there's different levels of success. You got the Sebastian Maniscalco, the Dave Chappelle, the Bill Burris, the Joe Rogans. I'm happy where I am. I'm not in the stratosphere, but I'm selling out theaters and clubs.

Starting point is 00:33:02 I'm on tour with this young kid, Eric DeLisandro, who's also got a huge social media platform. I'm in a TV show that's going to be an Amazon Prime called Gravesend. I'm healthy. I got a beautiful wife. Still turns me on. We had fucking amazing sex last night. It was fucking beautiful. Fucking she takes, she buys outfits.

Starting point is 00:33:23 I hear all these guys like when you spoke about being married in your last podcast. Either work it out or you get divorced. If you meet the right person, the woman in this business, that's half the battle. That's half the battle. You know? That's what happened with me. I met a woman and she swept me and the rest was history. We're grounding.

Starting point is 00:33:45 We're grounding. Guys like us are like caribou and the hurt is thinning. It's interesting the way you just put that. I don't mean about dying in 20, 30 years. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We come from a different cloth. You don't think I know that when I talk to people. I felt out of place all my life sometimes, you know, especially when I went out West.

Starting point is 00:34:09 I always felt like out of place, you know, and then my daughter tells me all the time. She's like, dad, you're from a planet that doesn't exist anymore. You know, our thoughts do not. People don't want to know our thoughts. You know, it's like interviewing Pete Rose is not good for your health. Right. You don't know what that motherfucker is going to say. Put him in the hole of fame already.

Starting point is 00:34:27 Ted Nugent, you know, all these guys. No, no, no, no. With us. Ted Nugent, you ever listen to Stranglehold? Oh, my God. How great is that? Is that a great song to go? It still sounds fucking great.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Walk up to the stage too? Oh, please. And the audience goes fucking bananas. But you look at all the variables to comedy and stuff, and I'm very happy right now. I mean, I'm happy. I got the opportunity to run with those guys. I'm happy I got to the comedy store and I got accepted in there and stuff. But that was then.

Starting point is 00:34:52 And this is now. And this is now. Yep. And now it's a different chapter in our lives and you have to look at it differently. I look at these guys having a great time and I don't, I'm not jealous. I don't feel bad. Right. It's not like I should be doing that.

Starting point is 00:35:06 I'm going to get on the phone and I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. I'm older. I don't see the weather. Listen, after fucking our boy died in a hotel room, that made me think. Who's that? The guy from that fucking show, the really good guy, Bob Saget. He's a really good guy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:27 And listen guys, we all going to fucking die. Yep. You're all going to die. I want you to pick your fucking way or how you're going to die until I was 45. I thought I was going to get shot. You know, I thought I was going to get shot or OD or whatever. My fear. I don't want to die in a hotel room on the road.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Fuck that. Fuck you. You know. Fuck you. After I read that guys and I know it's happened before comics have passed. There's a guy who had to sit calm, had all the success. Fucking at 63 to be in Orlando in a fucking comedy room. No, no, you love comedy.

Starting point is 00:36:03 So do I. That's why there's the comedy store. Right. Go to every fucking night. If that doesn't satisfy your whistle, go to the improv. If that doesn't satisfy your whistle, then go to the laugh factory. You know, you have so many opportunities. If I want to do comedy, I could go to uncle Vinny's.

Starting point is 00:36:18 I go to stress factory. I go to tips. I go to fucking nine clubs here. Oh, I go in the fucking city. And that's what people have not understood that. Right. Right. You know, it was great.

Starting point is 00:36:29 It was a great time of my life. But right now, like I was telling you, I'd rather go to a softball game and hang out with the parents. I just got a call from one of the parents. Can you drop off some weed at the sun? You know, this is what life is all about. It's like this. And it's great.

Starting point is 00:36:41 That worked then. Yes. You know, when I did that kidnapping, I was doing a couple of those kidnappings. That worked then. I didn't have nobody at home. That worked then, but it wouldn't work now. Right. I didn't leave this morning and go, honey, I'm going to kidnap that dude.

Starting point is 00:36:52 I'm going to do a drug rip. I'll be back with $50,000 at lunchtime. You're fucking nuts. I wouldn't even know how to carry a gun anymore and shoot. I don't know how to do that. Tie somebody up with a rope. I forgot all that shit already. That's not my life anymore.

Starting point is 00:37:06 So comedy is my life. Listen, when you're a comedian, it's like being a house angel. Right. It's like being a musician. You know, I didn't make it to the Marines. I didn't make it to a lot of things, but I made it to be a regular at the store. And I got in with a group of guys that mentored me and I mentored them. We all got a chance to help each other.

Starting point is 00:37:24 And this is what this comedy game is. And I see what you're doing. And I'm like, fucking fix killing it with the videos. But you didn't know what it was. And one day you made a video. Right. And you looked at it an hour later and it had a million hits. And you're like, holy shit.

Starting point is 00:37:40 And I work hard at it. Me and my manager, I got a great relationship. He's more of a friend than a manager. But he helps me with the videos. I got to come up with different content. No hard that is every day since 2009. I do characters. I do this over the top character, Tony Gaga.

Starting point is 00:37:59 You got a guy, you got a guy. It's stupid. I imitate the Giants coach, the Yankees coach. After the games, I do a post game locker room. I do ticked off Vicks. My mother-in-law used to cook with me. It's hard, man. But I'm working hard.

Starting point is 00:38:17 And nobody's helping me and my manager. We're just doing it all on our own. And then when you do somebody's club, they expect you to promote. Fucking help me out, you know? Like Bronx Tale going back, nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares. They take care, but they don't care. And on the hindsight of that, not the insults or anything like that,

Starting point is 00:38:37 I think that a lot of comics relied on that for years. And in today's model, like today, these comics that are coming up now, they're going to have to do that. They're going to have to. I did it because I didn't want to walk into a room empty room. They don't know how to do it. But you got to be a comedian first.

Starting point is 00:38:54 You have to be a comedian first. Because if they do the video, all right, go on stage. Let me see you kill in front of 1,200 people for an hour. What are you going to do for an hour that you didn't in the videos? You know? You got to be a comedian first. Well, that's the problem we have. That's the problem that I have.

Starting point is 00:39:12 I don't have a problem with this. Like I told a friend of mine the other day, I live in the fucking 70s. I still live by the Penzo commercial. Penzo. You could pay me now or you could pay me later. You want to shoot a video, get 2 million hits. Say you're a comedian and then you get brought up on that stage.

Starting point is 00:39:31 You're going to get a world of hate. You're going to be brought into a world that you're not going to be familiar with. If you want me to tell you my opinion on what's going on with that type of stuff, it's not going to be good. But what I'm trying to fucking put together is that it's not the natural way to become a comedian. Oh, absolutely not. But listen, when you get a million views and then your manager goes, hey man, comics are doing this.

Starting point is 00:40:00 You should just go up there and talk. Because listen, I've heard the speech that agents give their actor potential. Agents are bottom feeders. Yeah. And they'll say like, hey Mike, you were a singer in a band. Why don't you just tell jokes for 45 minutes and you're like, but I'm not a comedian. Who cares? Just go up there and talk for 45 minutes and you're like, that's fucking disrespectful

Starting point is 00:40:21 to people like me and him and fucking Jerry, whatever and fucking Jimmy and Rich Vaughan. You're disrespecting the art that we created here that we've created for ourselves by writing. So you just want to do it differently. You and I both know that the train ends badly. Oh yeah. That train ends badly because you got an MC, you got a feature and you really got to learn how to MC to control a fucking show. And that'll catapult you up to fucking headlining when you're ready.

Starting point is 00:40:51 Anybody who overdoes that. You got to pay your dues. You're going to pay your dues. So you can take that money. Dog, I would take it too when I was stupid. Right. When you're stupid and you're broke. You'll take that money and you'll do things you're not supposed to.

Starting point is 00:41:05 One rule I learned off the bat. Don't go nowhere. You don't belong. Don't go nowhere where you don't belong. If I see you at a club and you come up to me as an agent though. I am Vic. I'm really funny. What times you said, I'm not here to do comedy.

Starting point is 00:41:18 I'm here to support Jimmy Florentine. You know what? Go fuck yourself. Right. I want, you know, there's just so many things that have gotten out of control. But in the long run, when you see the YouTubers and a lot of these guys, I wish them all the success. I really do.

Starting point is 00:41:33 Well, they found their niche. But I know that their success is not going to be with stand up unless they go back to the grind. Exactly. I saw an interview with some young up and coming YouTube guy. Had to be like a year ago. Somebody sent me this thing because of that, because of that conversation. This kid saying I'm going to do comedy differently or whatever.

Starting point is 00:41:53 Listen, comedy is comedy. Music is music. Funny is funny. Funny is funny. You're not going to change that fucking. No. I'm not going to change that. A different variety, black and white.

Starting point is 00:42:02 And it's will acquiescent. Parsonator. Fucking Gallagher. Seinfeld. Funny is funny for Yoko. Oh no. She couldn't make any good music. That was just fucking bad.

Starting point is 00:42:10 Yoko on all Yoko, but it just seems that hard work has always been the key for me. Absolutely. You're going to fucking Skate at times. Listen, I've skated a ton of times. I'm skating right now. You know what I'm saying? But that shit. You're going to have to go back and do the work.

Starting point is 00:42:27 I'm sorry, I love these things on Instagram. You know, your podcast is worth a million dollars a month. Sign with us and we'll teach you. They haven't a clue. They don't have a fucking clue. They haven't a clue. You gotta be on stage, you gotta bomb. Bombing, humbles you.

Starting point is 00:42:42 Bombing makes you better, you know? I love these guys, they come off stage. Oh, I fucking kill. Meanwhile, you heard what Cricket. Yeah, you never kill. Anybody who comes off stage and tells you they kill all the time. Original fucking, it's sad, it's, wow. And thank God you get, see that's the other thing you get,

Starting point is 00:43:01 you got experience. You got experience how to deal with people, how to deal with different crowds. How to deal with, I was at a comedy show one time, Beautiful Girl kept coming up every week in Seattle. Every week, every week, every week. 10 weeks she was there, guys were offering her gigs. I'm sitting back there giggling my ass off

Starting point is 00:43:17 cause this chick wasn't any good. And they put her on a show one night and I was part of that show. She went up there trying to be a feature act. She was up there four minutes and some guy goes, show me your pussy, just show me your pussy. Like that, this girl fucking dog, I saw it. She just lost consciousness.

Starting point is 00:43:35 She put the mic in and she walked off. Wow. And I never saw on an open mic again. Holy shit, how do you follow that? No, it's not even the following. The thing I'm mentioning is how she thought she was ready to be a feature act after 10 fucking weeks. Right, of course.

Starting point is 00:43:50 And I sat there and watched it. You know how many times I sat at the, bro, why not I sat at the comedy store with one of these Montreal comics. This motherfucker. Oh, just for lefts? Yeah, he was doing comedy like six years and went up to Montreal and got like a million dollars.

Starting point is 00:44:03 And they decided to bring this motherfucker to the store. Like the agents didn't know what they were doing. Oh boy. He walked in with nine Jews, you know those comics? Oh yeah. When they come back from Montreal all some of those agents are following you, Jack. They're tapping you to light your cigarettes,

Starting point is 00:44:16 they're rubbing your shoulders, you gotta see it. Oh, I had a friend that got a half million dollar deal. I knew when the deal didn't go through cause he wasn't with him. Every time I saw that guy for two years, he was with my buddy. And all of a sudden I saw him when I go, where's your buddy?

Starting point is 00:44:32 Oh, he had somewhere to go. Two days later the deal fell through a fox. I go, ain't that a bitch? Please. I saw a guy that was good looking, you know one of those good looking young comics that they fall in love with Hollywood. Oh, he's, oh my God, we love him.

Starting point is 00:44:46 Guy never made a fucking nobody laugh. Maybe his sister and his mom, he fucking walked in with eight Jews and the Jews didn't check to see what's on the lineup. And Mitch, he put this YouTube star behind Andrew. Doug, you should have seen the panic in his face. Andrew's face? No, the kid.

Starting point is 00:45:04 Oh, okay. He had to follow Andrew. Oh, of course. This kid's coming right from Montreal, you know, they're lighting their cigarettes, rubbing their shoulders. How did it go? How did it go?

Starting point is 00:45:12 How the fuck do you think it went? How the fuck do you think it went? Wow. Until you see that. You see that a million times. Let me tell you something. And you feel it. You saw the life sucked right out of him.

Starting point is 00:45:26 Right out of him. I saw another kid that this kid just was a great wordsmith. But they were, they were headlined to him after a year at one of the top clubs though. And people were like, come on. And he kept sticking to him. And this guy paid Gersh, he brought him to Hollywood and did a complete showcase of him.

Starting point is 00:45:48 But where they stopped first was the comedy store on a Sunday night. And I watched it. I watched him come in. Oh yeah, we got that. And I went up to Mitchie. I go, Mitchie, I'm gonna bring this guy up. By the way, he's the next Bill Hicks.

Starting point is 00:46:01 And she looked at me. She goes, really? Okay. This kid went up in the original room on a Sunday dog. He went up there. He had all the whole comic outfit, you know. The skull cap, the whole, you know. Three minutes in, Mitchie was yelling from the back.

Starting point is 00:46:17 Get him off the stage. Bill Hicks, my ass. See, you saw all that. I never went to the West Coast. I never went to LA. But you saw it here. Yeah. What I'm saying, what I saw on the West Coast,

Starting point is 00:46:30 you saw here. Right. Many a night at Caroline's when some guy walked in. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I just got a big and they get on stage and they gotta follow some fucking guy that doesn't know the meaning. He didn't get the memo.

Starting point is 00:46:41 They're the Leonard Skinners of the 70s. They never got the memo when they opened up for the Stones. You know, you're opening up for the Stones. You gotta do this and this and this and this. Leonard Skinners is like, we didn't get the memo. Did he come off stage and say, I killed. No, this kid fucking came off stage and here's the saddest part.

Starting point is 00:46:57 The people who brought him up weren't even walking with him anymore. He was walking 20 feet ahead of him and they were walking behind him because they were doing the barris. Because this is the business we chose. And I see those situations and I think of all these people that go somewhere before the time.

Starting point is 00:47:14 See, you have, bro, you're a fucking, you're the king because you and me put the work in. I never had to look over my shoulder. I never had to worry about it. When I go on stage. Some of them are upbringings for how you brought up. You know, I was taught a hard work ethic. I used to drive and I had the school bus.

Starting point is 00:47:32 My route was in Staten Island. So I lived here in Jersey. I'd get up 4th, 3rd in the morning, go over the outer bridge, go to Staten Island, do my run. And between runs, you got like a few hours till you picked the kids up from school. I would come back to Staten Island and do this like the outer bridge four times a day

Starting point is 00:47:53 during the week. When I was booked at the Borgata, when Ray Garvey first put the Borgata Comedy Club in Atlantic City at the Borgata, I'd be booked there for seven nights. I would be going back after my show, go back home, sleep for hours, get up, drive the fucking school bus and Staten Island

Starting point is 00:48:10 for five fucking nights in a row. You think these fucking guys, you gotta break your balls, man. You just can't be given it to you. You gotta work for it. You know? It tastes a lot better. And you can't learn this shit.

Starting point is 00:48:26 You can't go to a fucking comedy school. Come on. This is like prison time. It's time served, bitch. It's time served. This is time, listen, I remember I did an episode of Marin. He wrote an episode for Artie, and Artie told me he didn't want to do it.

Starting point is 00:48:43 After he wrote it. Artie Lang? Yeah, I don't want to do it. I don't want to fly out to L.A. So, you know, I did it. Now, I'll never forget that day. Like I had it acted in a while. Like it had been like a window, like a year.

Starting point is 00:48:53 By the way, you were great in many saints of door. It felt like I shot. I know, I don't want to say it because anybody didn't see the movie yet. No, who gives a fuck? That fucking scared the shit out of me. If you didn't fucking see that movie yet after a year. No, how did they do that?

Starting point is 00:49:05 Like. It was CGI. Oh, it's not like the fucking head explodes. Okay, got it. Nothing. That was great. Nothing. When you saw your funeral scene,

Starting point is 00:49:17 did that like fucking freak you out? But they show you a picture. They had to come and tell me the picture was for the funeral. I was like, oh. Wow. But, you know, I went on that set. First time I saw you was Spider-Man.

Starting point is 00:49:31 Spider-Man. You got to go through me first. That's right. That was fucking great. That was fucking crazy, man. But it's weird how you, listen, I'm a hobbyist. I grew up watching movies and I didn't copy what they do. When I go to an audition, if that's,

Starting point is 00:49:46 if you want to know the truth, you know, you look at these scenes and you know, how I booked that soprano movie. I remember an episode where they did and they were having a conversation. Sylvia and Tony Soprano, Bruce Springsteen was playing. And during the episode, Tony looks at Sylvia and he goes, and Sylvia nods his head.

Starting point is 00:50:09 So when I got that audition, they were telling me a lot of people were having a hard time with that audition. Music comes on. And that was my line. My mom met his mom one time and that's when God rest his soul. The guy from Goodfell, Henry Hill says. Whoa, Leota. Yeah, Ray Leota says, whatever the fuck, you know,

Starting point is 00:50:31 we start talking about Sinatra. Right. But I did the thing. I looked up first in the audition tape and I pointed up and I go, my mother met his mother one time. It's not that I'm an actor. It's that I stole that when I saw Tony and Sylvia.

Starting point is 00:50:45 They love that shit. And they love that shit. So that, that, that's it. But when I got on the set for that, it was like 2000. You gotta write a book. It's coming out April 23rd of next year. Beautiful. You could order it already on Amazon.

Starting point is 00:50:59 Absolutely. So when I got that job that day, while I was shooting, I know this has happened to you. This happened to me a lot the last, right before the pandemic, this has happened to me a lot on stage when I was doing theaters. When I got to that set of Marin that day, you know,

Starting point is 00:51:19 everybody was there, all the agents were there. My agent, they had like BBA at the time. They didn't show up to those things, you know. But all the other agents were there with all their star comedic talents. Fucking bottom feeders. And I'm fucking laying it down. I'm fucking laying it down.

Starting point is 00:51:34 They're like, improvise, do what you want. I'm laying it. And I'm looking at all these agents' faces with their little fucking faggy comics. And they're looking at me like, holy fuck, this guy's killing it. And I remember that day going, wow, I can't believe that I'm this good.

Starting point is 00:51:48 I got this good. I, it shocked myself. Like I knew where to stand. Where was this? This is in LA. I was shooting the Marin. Mark Marin had the TV show on the UFC. And I'll never forget that I was there going,

Starting point is 00:51:58 I don't fuck that I get this good at this. You know, I wasn't saying that to anybody. Cause I was very familiar with what I was doing. I was good at it. And I thought back to the longer shard because I was on that set for 17 fucking weeks. And you can never replace that experience. 17 weeks, you just learn some little fucking things.

Starting point is 00:52:16 It's like going on a tour with guns and roses. You go on a tour with guns and roses as an opening act for a year. You gotta come back with a couple fucking things. Okay? It's like when the guy, again, we're going back to the Sopranos when he goes, you're not recording this right.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Just to let you know, I've recorded Luxembourg. You know, like those fucking idiots. So that's the problem. The powers that be are clueless, you know? They couldn't see talent if it was in front of them. You know, it's, it's a fucked up business. You have to spell it out for them. With auditions, I spell it out for them.

Starting point is 00:52:51 When I got a call from an audition, I don't put it right on tape. I think about it for a few days. I'm more nervous in audition than in front of 3,000 people. Are you the same? Like, are you nervous in front of three people reading a script?

Starting point is 00:53:04 See, I'm nervous. I got over it. It took me a while. Like, I still remember reading for the original Sopranos in 99. Who'd you read it with? The producers. I went to producers three times

Starting point is 00:53:15 for three different characters. Gigi, Sharipa's character. And then they called me in to be a standup comic, but I wasn't available that week. But I read for them and I never forget reading for Gigi. And my sheets were still shaking, even though I knew my lines. I knew them backwards and forwards.

Starting point is 00:53:32 I always bring my sides in to keep me centered. But I still remember them. But I still remember going to auditions with Travolta. Wow. And knocking it out of the park. Like, not even knowing that Travolta was there. Like, I still remember going to audition. I'm coped up from last night.

Starting point is 00:53:49 I get there at 10 o'clock on a Monday. And it's Billy Gardell in me. Billy Gardell. And I'm like, okay. Good guy. You read, yeah, all right. I fucking walk in there to Travolta in the room. We got to read with Travolta.

Starting point is 00:54:01 What was this for? What movie? It was for the Jimmy Roselli story. Did it ever happen? That was my father's favorite singer. No, it never happened. He did the movie. Jimmy Roselli.

Starting point is 00:54:12 Jimmy Roselli. He got black balled by Sinatra. Yeah, for not singing at his mother's birthday party. Fucking great story. Oh yeah. Jimmy Roselli, this was a great fucking script. Wow. He canceled it.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Travolta was going to play him. Travolta was going to play him. And me and Billy Gardell were going to be his opening acts on the road. The fucking script. I'll look and I'll give it to you. Cause I think I still got it. Is it a dead issue?

Starting point is 00:54:38 Dead issue. Dead. I love to revamp it though. Bro was all set in Hoboken. The fucking, we were going to be in Hoboken for eight weeks. We were going to stay in this city. You have no fucking idea. And he picked that micro fucking,

Starting point is 00:54:52 that Scientology movie with the Martians. And the thing, he took that instead. Oh, something with Mars in the title. Yes. With Jack Nicholson. No, it was just him, I think. He took that fucking Battlestar fucking piece of shit. That Roselli shit was hysterical dog.

Starting point is 00:55:09 My father used to play Mala Femina and he was. He was really good. He had a great voice. Oh my God. And he used to sell albums out of his trunk. He used to sell albums out of his trunk cause he was black balled. And all the Italian wise guys would go,

Starting point is 00:55:24 oh, Jimmy, come on, you're embarrassing me. Close the fucking trunk. Go around the corner and sell those. It was a great script. It was a great fucking script. Yeah. He got black balled cause Jimmy Roy, he didn't sing at Sinatra's mother's birthday party.

Starting point is 00:55:37 See now, could some young comic on fucking YouTube know what we're talking about? I don't know. Aren't you glad? Well, this is what I tell people to experience. Remember Dean Martin, Celebrity Rose, and Red Skelton, Johnny Carson. They all fucked up with Dean Martin.

Starting point is 00:55:53 Get on national TV on a Thursday night. And we would sit there. I still remember Sanford and the Sun and Chico and the man on Friday nights ordering a pizza. Halona Mertens would come over, we'd swap spit and then I'd dry hump her to death for like 20 minutes until I was sweating and shit. She's like, why are you gonna stop dry humping me?

Starting point is 00:56:11 Later, later. Dry humping. Wow. In fact, the other day I saw something that was tremendous. Somebody sent me a fucking video of two dogs fucking and they got stuck. Did anybody else see that? Then they go back to back.

Starting point is 00:56:25 And they go back to back and they walk. Did you see the video the other day? And it's like they're yelping and oh yeah. You never saw dogs. When I was a kid, as soon as you pulled up into the Bronx, you see two dogs fucking Jesus Christ. And then an owner chasing like a fat Italian grandmother. Get away from my poodle.

Starting point is 00:56:41 She's fucking a German shepherd with a big black dick. She's backwards. Two dogs fucking. She's running backwards, cause he's running forward. Shit. People forget all about that stuff. Being a kid and playing buck buck. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:56:53 Playing what? Buck buck. What is that? Johnny on the pony. We called it. Yeah, Johnny on the pony. And we called the firehugent the Johnny Pump. The Johnny Pump.

Starting point is 00:57:00 But if you use the Johnny Pump and somebody jumped on you, you bang your head where you fucking opened the thing and then you'd have that octagon in your fucking head. Trust me, I had a friend that still has an octagon. He had to pull like a tattoo. Like Charles Manson with the fucking. Where the God? He had that fucking octagon right in his goddamn head.

Starting point is 00:57:19 But Vic, this has been a. I feel like having cake and coffee with you now. I don't know. I got to see you a lot more because we live down here. Six minutes away. That's it. So maybe we'll do something that fucking. Whatever you want.

Starting point is 00:57:33 I'd love to do. Yeah, let's do surprise. I'll surprise him one night. You know, do your Wednesday night and just. OK. I can't do anything now because I'm doing parks. At your convenience. Till fucking I got a 120 feet radius, right?

Starting point is 00:57:46 No rush. Yeah, something like parks is a great gig. You're going to like that. I love it. It's beautiful. Last time I did parks, I just jumped off the stage into the audience and even go in the back room. They were so crazy.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Great staff. Great room. The great green room. Fucking dog. I'm doing it tonight before Thanksgiving. That's who you're doing it with. Eleanor Kerrigan. Eleanor.

Starting point is 00:58:06 Nice. I think Florentino stopped by. You're always welcome to come pick up an envelope. You don't need to go there. We'll take a bus down. We'll fucking get Chinese food. Wow. Where do you eat Chinese food, empire?

Starting point is 00:58:19 To go out for dinner, peaking pavilion on 33. No, that's really good. It's gourmet Chinese. Gourmet Chinese. I heard it. Joe, listen to me. The best Chinese pear ribs, Kings and Freehold on Route 9. Really?

Starting point is 00:58:32 It's by the Staples. Trust me. The fucking meat falls off the bone. It's to bet Kings. How good is the pork fried rice? Excellent. But for nice, fancy, will you take your wife? Peaking pavilion, I heard.

Starting point is 00:58:43 The best. I like stripping lobster sauce with pork in it, with the little bits of pork. And the only people who do it around here is the... not the peaking, the one on the... if you go opposite cousins in Astoria. I know what you mean. That place is good.

Starting point is 00:59:02 That place got a mean stripping lobster sauce, but they're rude. They're rude. They don't talk to you. They go, whoo! They don't fucking talk to you. The guy came up and I thought he was a retard. He's like, whoo, whoo, whoo, to take the dish. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:59:15 I got enough of the fucking hoops. I gave him the credit card. She's going, tap, but tap, but tap. I don't know what she meant, tap. Tap, okay. I'm sticking it in. I'm sliding it. Now you got to tap, but tap.

Starting point is 00:59:24 Oh, tap. It's hard, you know, to understand that. The food down here is very good. You know, don't... Oh, you can't get good pizza and bagels in Jersey. Fuck you. Yes, you can. Where do you get your bagels? They bring them from Staten Island for me.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Okay, no argument there. Fucking disappear. How do I beat that one? This fucking bagel? Yeah. If I'm around neighborhood, I train at O'Bridge, so I go to Bagel Boy sometimes. You like Brooklyn pizza? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:50 For the square? Oh, yeah. Brooklyn square, upside down. It's like kind of like Spamoni Gardens in Brooklyn. Yes. I like that place. I like the other fucking Danino's. Oh, of course.

Starting point is 01:00:01 I like Carlos. Yep. I like John a lot. I call those. He's a good dude. And Nido's the Queen Delacrim. It's not your typical Italian restaurant. I like El Nido.

Starting point is 01:00:15 I love fucking, I love Austria, Angelos. Never been there. Fucking great guy. You know what I get in there when I go? Simple. Escarola beans. That's almost like pasta vasul, right? The soup.

Starting point is 01:00:31 I get a bowl this fucking big. I call it, bring me some bread, Parmesan cheese, and crushed red pepper. I'm good. If I go to cheeseburger night on Monday nights, gotta go to cheeseburger night at Astoria, 1695. Cheeseburger, a beer. I want a nice spaghetti carbonara with a glass of merlot.

Starting point is 01:00:50 Oh, fucking good. Fried calamans, that appetizer, then Patera Massuse dessert with a cappuccino. Then you could put me to the electric chair. Oh my God. They got Cafe Luna. Yeah. It's like buying me.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Fucking great. Guys, we live in an area that if you want Italian food, you're gonna get it. And you could get it. They got that place across the nine by Wild Wings, the town of Cusa, Cusa, Casa, whatever in there. They don't fuck around in there, you know. I love it down.

Starting point is 01:01:19 I got down here because I had a brother who lives in Morganville. I used to come down here in 2008. Unbelievable. I would go deliver fish with him out of the Fulton Fish Market. It's crazy. Out of all the places you could have moved.

Starting point is 01:01:29 And I would come to Morganville. If fucking six minutes for me, do you fucking believe this? And this is... I haven't seen you since Rascals and here we are. No, but I bumped into you once after that. I think I bumped into an LA one night. Oh, that had to be when I was out there with, okay, with John Marooney.

Starting point is 01:01:45 I did the B's. Yes, yes. The Pasadena. Yes, the Ice House. When Rosie O'Donnell used to book it. What was the name of that place? The Ice House. The Ice House.

Starting point is 01:01:57 Yeah. The Ice House. Comedy so I just went in. Never went on stage. I was just in awe. It was just, wow, the comedy store. You know, people don't understand like a looker. For me, being from Jersey, the things I saw,

Starting point is 01:02:12 what I went through, it would have just been an honor to walk in the comedy store, to perform there. For a guy like me, that's like an HBO special. That's what these people will never understand. For everybody else, it's not that big of a deal. But for me to be a regular at the store, that's like being in the US Marine Corps.

Starting point is 01:02:31 That goes forever. That you can't take that away from anybody. There's a lot of people who became regulars when they were like a year and they moved on. I was there for 20 fucking years. Wow. Like I was a regular, active, regular guy. You went from Denver to the comedy store?

Starting point is 01:02:46 No. I went from Denver to Seattle. Okay, wow. Like I went from Denver and I came back here. How did they take you in Denver and Seattle? Like this, rough, this tough, loud New Jersey guy.

Starting point is 01:03:00 The camera on him? Yeah, the camera's still on Vic. Yeah. You gotta remember one thing. Here I would have been a nuisance, but in Denver, do you remember when we were kids, we had the same four Italians on TV. The two morons from fucking,

Starting point is 01:03:18 the one moron from fucking Laverne and Shirley. Oh wait, the big ragu and Fonzie. You had Tony Danza. Fonzie. You had Fonzie. You had the big Italian guy. Oh, what was his name? Laverne's father?

Starting point is 01:03:30 Yeah, the guy that was on the sitcom guy that I loved, Robert Pastorelli. That was my fucking idol. I got to meet him and he died. I know the name. Which show? He did one of those shows with Karen, I don't know, but he was a typical Italian.

Starting point is 01:03:44 Whenever they won, there was like four of them. And when you watch TV from the 70s now, you'll see these four fucking Italian. He's one of those character actor Italians. You'll just see it. And then a couple of years ago, I did children's hospital and I ended up working with the guy from Laverne and Shirley. He just passed away.

Starting point is 01:04:00 The big ragu? Yes. Eddie Mecca. Eddie Mecca. Eddie Mecca. He just passed away. Whatever, when we got to talking, he was like, when I got into this, there was like five Italians. All of a sudden it's like they opted the fucking boat

Starting point is 01:04:13 out the LA. You look more Italian than me. Please, I'm not even, I'm not even book anything Cuban. If even if a Cuban guy writes it, they'll never, they wrote that Cuban guy. Why, Al Pacino plates a golf face. Yeah, but I'm talking about, I'll never work on a Cuban movie.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Don't ever give me one of those because I don't look Cuban enough. So like they called Andy Garcia, who knows me and said, do you want him for Father the Bride? He's like, that's the last guy I want on my set. Wow. But everything I've ever booked is Italian,

Starting point is 01:04:39 but back to your question. You are born Cuban. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you are? Yeah, I got smuggled into this motherfucker in 1966. You're a political refugee. A political refugee from Cuba. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:04:52 But you think about this. When I started in Denver, they held me with open arms. And when I started in C, when I went from Denver to New York for nine months, that's how I met Mike Buschetti. At the New York Comedy Club, Al, whatever. I met a couple other people, but they moved on.

Starting point is 01:05:09 Wow, we share a lot of those. I met Dave Chappelle at the Boston Comedy Club. I never met him. Never met Dave. Met him at the Boston Comedy Club, then in 93. Then I went back to Colorado. I was serious about comedy. Did it there for about two years.

Starting point is 01:05:23 Then went to Seattle. And Seattle was a great comedy scene. You know, they rang. This is during the Kurt Cobain days. Kurt had just died, 94. I got to Seattle, June, July of 95. And I stayed till 98. And then I got a deal from CBS.

Starting point is 01:05:41 And I moved to fucking L.A. And that was... And look at you now. And this is bad. And this is bad. No, this is not bad. What's wrong with this? Nothing.

Starting point is 01:05:53 Your daughter's coming home soon, right? I mean, come on. Four, four o'clock is no school today. Jewish holiday. There you go. It's rush on home. There we go. The softball practice tonight.

Starting point is 01:06:03 And then whatever the fuck happens. Beautiful. But I'm happy. We're blessed. We are blessed. Yes, we are, man. We're very fucking lucky, man. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:06:12 And I'm right around the corner. This is so nice. Thank you. I'm right around the corner. Anytime you want to come in and talk about the Jets, the Giants, the Yankees. You know, you're always welcome. All right.

Starting point is 01:06:22 And we'll end up, we'll do something over the holidays. Let's do something. Yeah. Let's do something in December. And you got to taste my wife's big ziti. Okay. I wasn't going to say something else. Is it good?

Starting point is 01:06:36 Joey, it's trust me. Some lady just gave me some big ziti yesterday. You're going to tell all these neighbors to go fuck themselves after you taste my wife's big ziti. I had my wife was fucking good. Really good. I mean, fucking really good. I like it without the meat, but yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:52 I would like to go to El Nido. You and your wife and then my wife. You let me know. You fucking let me know. And I want to go to the butcher box. Where is that? Oh, that's where they're out here. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:04 That's in like New Brunswick. That's a great steakhouse. I want to, there's a ton of places I want to go. Is that by the stress factory? Even cousins open there. Cousins open there. Oh, I love the stage. It's three floors and cousins now.

Starting point is 01:07:17 Where? He's got three floors. The new cousins and, New Brunswick? Yeah. It's across from Uncle Vinny's. I've never been there yet. I've been there.

Starting point is 01:07:24 You got to check it out. The other day, I love cousins. I love all those. These restaurants are great. New Jersey. People have no fucking idea what they miss. You know, RedBank, Castle, Great. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:07:34 Asbury. Have you got to have 518 yet? 618? Yeah. And freehold. How good is it? I loved it. Better than El Nido?

Starting point is 01:07:43 I'll take El Nido. What do you get at El Nido? The, just the black squid. Oh, shit. That's what I get. No. That's my favorite. All right.

Starting point is 01:07:53 That's my favorite. The black squid with the toe crab. Yes. You know, it's perfect. They give you the perfect portion. You're not out there like, ugh. And I've heard people get mad

Starting point is 01:08:02 because they're like, well, the portions weren't big enough. No, you got to know. No, it's, it's worth, it's worth it. It's fucking worth it. I love the black ink pasta. I love the, the, I like simple shit. Yes.

Starting point is 01:08:13 Like I can't eat no more stuff shells. I can't eat another kind of lone. I can't eat none. That stuff gets me savvy on my stomach. I love seafood. Oh, I love seafood. I just don't like, I don't like sushi. To me, that's bait.

Starting point is 01:08:25 I like sushi. You know, my wife loves sushi. I love it. She loves it. Do you like oysters? No, I don't like oysters. She loves it. I, it's got to be cooked.

Starting point is 01:08:33 The fuck, have you got the seafood towel from El Nido? Yes. No, no. You mean cousins. El Nido. They have one too. Oh boy. Okay.

Starting point is 01:08:41 I got to change the plans over there. There's a charcuterie. Play is good over there. And I want to sit where you can see the cook and the, the booth, the space in the kitchen. Yeah. You know, we'll have some privacy. Oh, it's great, man.

Starting point is 01:08:53 It's fucking great. I love going in. I miss Joe. I miss my daughter, Mrs. Joe. Allah. He wanted to put me in like, he owns that home strip. He wanted to do like a comedy night. That's what he wanted to do.

Starting point is 01:09:05 Yeah, he told me. He told me, he goes, he wanted to move the tile place. And he was, I was, I wanted to open up a coffee shop over there. Cause they just opened up a coffee shop on the other side of town. It's not that good.

Starting point is 01:09:16 The coffee was stale and it wasn't fucking hot. Like I want my coffee hot. The coffee's got to be hot. It's got to be piping hot. We must have went through every fucking carrying machine because I didn't like the temperature. To one of them says, as it's setting, you can set it high. It's got to be hot coffee.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Yeah, I like hot coffee too, man. What's your next date? This is embarrassing, but I really don't give a shit cause I feel very comfortable with you. I'm going to read it off a piece of paper. So I don't forget anything. Cause I was so pumped to be here, to plug myself. Hard Rock Casino, October 14th and 15th.

Starting point is 01:09:51 Count Basie, November 5th. Uncle Vinnie's November 26th and that's that. November 26th is what? I have no idea. I just wrote November 26th. You're more than welcome to come and say hello and do a guest spot. I would be honored.

Starting point is 01:10:08 Yeah, cause I asked him one night ago. I just don't want to go down there. I want to go down there and watch him. So you're there November 26th. Yeah, we could even eat it at a restaurant. There's a lot of, you ever go to the coach pair? No, I'll be there. Just 26th.

Starting point is 01:10:21 And the prime steak. I would put that second to 618. Prime, it's on Arnold Avenue. Same, same side as Uncle Vinnie's. Really? Prime steak. Good. Gotta make reservation.

Starting point is 01:10:33 Joey, please tell me you've been to Chef Vollis. No. Have you ever heard of it? Yes. Where is it? Tell me what it is. It's a block away from the Tropicana. This, this.

Starting point is 01:10:47 Oh yeah, yeah. In the basement, fuck it's Sinatra used to eat there. I know. It's mentioned in Broadwalk Empire. You go downstairs. You feel like you're in your grandmother's basement. The food is arguably the best Italian food in Jersey. It's the whole experience.

Starting point is 01:11:02 That's what I heard. I heard Jay-Z's there. I heard fucking Beyonce. Everybody go there. Just call and ask for Mike Esposito. Tell him who you are. You'll get right in. No.

Starting point is 01:11:11 I'll just tell him I like to come down there and eat. It seems fucking great. Yeah, but you can't get in. You gotta know somebody. Mike Esposito. Yeah. Done. Trust me.

Starting point is 01:11:20 I love you, Vic. I love you too. What do you feel good? I didn't see you so much in the fucking a year. Please. But now you're here and you know where I live. Exactly. You give me a number before I leave.

Starting point is 01:11:30 Absolutely. I love you, motherfuckers. I wanna thank Vic for coming on and all you cocksuckers for watching on a beautiful Wednesday morning, afternoon, whatever. Stay black and we'll see you Monday morning. Tip top, magoo cocksuckers and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack.

Starting point is 01:11:48 All right, I wanna thank you cocksuckers and I wanna thank Uncle Vic for watching for being on the show today. The joint is brought to you by Displate. Look, you wanna fill that hole in your wall? I got the perfect fucking answer. Displate is a cool new metal poster that you'll want in every room.

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Starting point is 01:15:03 I wanna thank this plate. I wanna thank Liquid IV. I wanna thank DraftKings. I wanna thank all you fucking savages. Better help, I don't know. Manscaped, Express VPM. I love you. I wanna thank Vic, I wanna thank Mike,

Starting point is 01:15:18 but I wanna thank you motherfuckers. And I'll see yous all next week. Tip top, Magoo, ready to go. It'll be October. So get your shit together. Love you, stay black.

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #200 | VIC DIBITETTO | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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