Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #201 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, October 3rd… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Heart & Soil & Better Help… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.   BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month.  HEART & SOIL Go to http://HeartandSoil.co & use code JOEY10 for 10% off your first order.  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #BetterHelp #HeartAndSoil The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Yeah, Joey's in the game. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 3rd of October. Can you fucking believe it's fucking October already? October, like it's Halloween. I mean, listen, I went somewhere last week with my daughter and I already saw Christmas shit out. Like there is Christmas shit out. Usually you got to wait till like fucking the day after Thanksgiving or while you're watching the football games on Thanksgiving. They're not waiting for dick.

I mean, Halloween shit was out right when fucking school started. I've been seeing spooky shit and skeletons and stuff. So these motherfuckers are not stopping Jack, but it's a beautiful day to be alive. We got a whole new fucking week here. It was raining all weekend in Jersey like a motherfucker. The tail end of the hurricane. My heart goes out to all those people in Florida who are fucking swimming around canoes right now. What a fucking nightmare that is.

Fort Myers is wiped out. I mean, the Florentines lost their fucking, they have like a pool little house where you hang out, where you're in the pool, what do you call it? It was a cabana. The fucking thing got ripped right the fuck off. Last night we went into the city or Saturday night and we were coming back and on the Subaru, we kept saying high wind advisory, high wind advisory. I'm like, what the fuck?

There's no wind out Sunday morning when I woke up guys, I have a little table outside with a little umbrella that you go out there and write jokes and stupidity. I asked my wife what happened to the fucking table. The table was gone and the umbrella, holy fuck. I was out Sunday morning, 8.30 in the morning in the car looking for the fucking umbrella all over the neighborhood. Not a thing. So that's just to let you know the winds. We got Jersey Saturday night.

I can't imagine what the fuck was going on in fucking Florida. And it's like, you know, I mean, when I was a kid, we got hit with a 1991. And it used to be like every seven years in Florida, every eight years. Now it's like every fucking four years somebody's getting hit. It's either them, New Orleans, you know, fucking Georgia. It's, you know, I don't know what they're talking about with climate control and all this shit, but it doesn't take a genius to let you know. Yeah, it doesn't take a genius to let you know.

Shit's changing, man. For example, when I moved to fucking Jersey, I got here in August, I was prepared to sweat my fucking balls off. Nothing. There was no fucking humidity. You know, when I was a kid living in Jersey, fucking once May started, once Memorial Day ended, you walked around this fucking town, sweat. That's all you did.

That's the reason why I fucking left. I hated humidity. When we moved back here, I go, you know what? I'm a big boy now. I have to deal with the humidity. There hasn't been any fucking humidity. I remember summers in Jersey, like a week in July where you can't fucking sleep. You just don't sleep.

With the air condition is going, the fans going, you're naked, you know, the beds, you're down to one sheet. You don't sleep because the fucking humidity won't let you fucking sleep. I remember trying to do coke and fucking the coke would dissolve in front of you or when you went to cut a line up, the whole stack would move with you because the humidity would get into the fucking cocaine. It affected everything. My hairdo, the smell of my asshole, because the fucking, it's just terrible.

So I know that this summer we had what, two weeks of humidity, maybe? I didn't feel it. It was like, yeah, it's humid out, whatever. But when I was a kid here, you couldn't fucking walk around in the summers. So I know something's going on. I don't know, you know, I'm no scientist. I don't know nothing about Dick, you know, but my heart goes out to the Florida people. That's all I wanted to say.

I know it's fucking tough. You know, I read some of the shit from Cuba. These motherfuckers have no food. They lost their electricity and the refrigerator. All the food went bad. There's no milk for babies. So it never fucking ends, guys. But on the fucking good note, it's a new month, a new week.

I'm excited for Saturday night. Show number two, we got Kim Condom and Sarah Winecheck opening up for me. I don't know who else will drop in. I think Lee's going to swing by. My man, Michael, be there. So yeah, it'll be a good time. I'm excited about that. I've been writing a little bit, but I got to talk to you guys about something I saw this weekend and the importance about getting entertained.

I grew up a fucking movie buff, but I grew up a movie buff to take me away from what I was experiencing in my life. Like when I went to a movie theater, it was just to disappear. I went by myself. You know, the best movies I ever saw were by myself. And like we discussed before, I love every type of cinema. I like every type of music. I like all that shit. But at the end of the day, as human beings, we like getting entertained, you know?

It's funny. A couple of weeks ago, I don't know if you guys follow him or whatever. It was tough not to. Our friend Rogan went to, he woke up one morning and he got on a plane and went to Vegas and he went to the ADCC. He went to the UFC. And then that night he went to the boxing match. I didn't know. I just the next day, everybody was saying, and I talked to him.

I called him like two days later and I asked him how did it feel to go, you know, because I know it's different from. He's been telling me for years how he can't wait to go to a fight as a spectator. Like he's like, you have no idea how bad I'm waiting on, but it's got to be the right, you know, the right thing. I love being entertained. I love all that shit. When he told me that, I was like, I told you, man, that sometimes you just got to sit on the other end and just watch. Just watch whether it's a baseball game or fucking tennis game. It doesn't matter.

Two cockroaches wrestling. It doesn't matter. It takes you away from your reality and it opens up your mind a lot of times. I know for me, like if I see something different, I'm like, wow, that that was not what I expected. It's not what I liked. I don't like it too much. But why did he do that? Why did she do that in the movie?

Why? So all this shit when I talked to him that day, it was like it was just, it was like an experience. Like for us, like for him, it was an experience. And I'll tell you what, what the problem is that a guy like Joe can't go to a fucking movie theater because four people while he's watching the movie will come up to him. Will come up to him in the fucking movie theater and go, excuse me. We don't want to bother you. The opening fire. Excuse me.

We don't want to bother you. But we just wanted to say hello during the fucking movie. Whether it's a fight, a movie, a restaurant, it's very tough for that gentleman, for anybody. You know, when I go to the movies at Ari in the city, it's like, you know, two guys will come over. Hey, man, what's going on? And we don't mind. I don't give a fuck. But think about it.

It's tough to get entertained when people are bumping into you and shit and asking you fucking stupid questions or whatever. So that's why guys like Rogan Burke, right? Sure. You never see him anywhere. You know, the last time I got entertained properly was 2019 when I went with Bill Burr and Josh and my wife to see Guns N' Roses at the Palladium. And it was fucking sensational. A little liquid IV to fuel the fucking Monday mornings. You never know.

Whatever you ate over the weekend, mushrooms, edibles. I was just talking to my man, Mike, and he's like, I want to eat two of those mushroom, mushroom gummies with no edibles this time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's great. But let me tell you something. The other night in my highness, I ate five of those fucking gummies and four fucking ABX edibles. Guys, I don't have to tell you what fucking plan I was on. It's so funny because I like those mushrooms.

Whenever I post them on Twitter, people lose their mind, but there's always the three Joe Rogan fans. Excuse me. If we're doing psilocybin, make sure it's shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You know, one go, two grams ain't enough. Listen, shut the fuck up. There's always, people always got to say something fucking stupid on that. Let me tell you something.

You take four of those mushroom gummies, five of those things, and two of those ABXs. It's not going to be your voices. Though I had a bad experience about two, three nights ago. I could not fucking fall asleep. I ate like three of those mushroom gummies late at night, like 11 o'clock. That was not fucking good. I ate the gummies because I was taming down the ABX edibles. See, I haven't eaten.

Yeah, I haven't eaten ABX edibles in like two weeks. I eat those little three fifties from the stonestclub.com. Like once a month, I get the fucking true dose gummies. They're fucking tremendous. And the true dose chocolate, fucking the common joys, you'll be on a different fucking planet. And they also have the power or whatever things that are fucking deadly. Tremendous. So I was eating those for, I had to alternate them.

You got to alternate. You got to take care of your tolerance. But this week, I got back into the ABX bag with those fucking mushrooms, those silly mushrooms. Guys, you don't know what you're missing. Go online. I don't have the link, but you have to go through a vendor for those things. They're $50 a fucking bag. But let me tell you something.

They're well worth it, guys. I don't like the taste of fucking mushrooms. I got mushrooms and just thinking about eating them. None. They're dry. They taste like fucking eating a splinter. But years ago, I was in a, I was in a writing. You always get in a writing rut, especially after you do a CD or you get dumped, your

material, like when you dump your 45 minutes up to start again, and guys, I don't, you know, it's hard to do anything in life, but you have no idea how hard it is after you shoot a special. Let's say like out of your 50 minutes, they cut a joke out. So you get to keep that one joke. That's it. And you have to start over again. The first month is fucking brutal.

It's brutal. You're just going up the bomb and you don't want to do all material. You want to put it behind you and start from scratch. That month is a fucking nightmare. So you just got to keep going up on stage and talking shit. So you pick places that nobody's going to see you and you just make little fucking appearances and do 15 minutes, whatever, and look for another hook. You got to look for another hook.

And once you have that one hook, you'll find that one. It's so weird. You go from having three minutes of material and finding a hook and now you get up to seven minutes of material. So now for a week, you got to go out there, do 15, 20 minute spots with seven minutes of material waiting for your next hook. And that'll take like another 10 fucking days. But once you have that, that'll give you, that'll open up another fucking router material.

So all of a sudden you went from seven minutes to 12. You're onto something and so on and so forth. But sometimes your creativity is fucking null and void. You can't, you know, listen, guys, it's not, you're not going to just open up a notebook and write a fucking, you know, any metaphor. Delirious. That's not going to happen. It's going to take fucking time.

It's going to take a few years. You know, I really respect Anthony Jeslenick. Anthony Jeslenick told me something once. Anthony Jeslenick prepares his material one year. He does it in the comedy club. Then for a year, he takes that material and he goes through a theater and he sees how it works. He makes changes and then after that, that hour is tight. He'll fucking do a special.

It takes Anthony Jeslenick, like two and a half fucking years to put a special together where most guys, it takes a year. These guys are pumping out specials every 12 months, every 14 months. Anthony Jeslenick hits fucking hard when he hits. He hits hard that motherfucker. And I look at that and I'm like, that's a smart way to do it. But the agents, a lot of people, our own greed, our own ego won't say two and a half years. I'm telling you, I've lived for years and when you're in a comedy state of mind, trust me guys,

you're churning out material. Everything you see becomes a fucking joke. Right now I'm halfway there where I'm still cracking myself up once in a while and that's how you get the party started. But sometimes guys, you just cannot find that creativity. I was stuck in like 2001. I wasn't doing CDs or anything. I was just stuck. I was trying to get to that place and I asked one of the best, greatest writers of all time.

I saw him at the store one night and I go, Paul, I pulled Paul Mooney aside and I go, Paul, I got a problem man. I'm having a hard time, especially coming down to a comedy store and you know, at the comedy store you have sets every night. Some nights at that time there was eight people, some nights there'd be 30 people. So I didn't really care about bombing as much but it starts to concern you after a while. You're like, what the fuck is going on with me? So I pulled him aside and I go, what do I do? Do I start from scratch and he goes, no. Take a week off and go get entertained.

Go hit a few movies. Go watch shit you never dreamed of watching. I go like, what? He goes, I don't give a fuck. Chinese gymnastics, a ping pong tournament. Just find shit that you could go sit there and see people do something that you're maybe not even interested in or maybe you have a certain interest in and see how fucking, you know, a band. I gotta tell you something, whenever I was stuck in Boulder, when I was first starting, there was a place around the corner from my house like an Australian band, an Australian band.

It was a restaurant bar called Like the Outback and I used to go there on Mondays and there was like a little room in the back with like 15 people for comedy. But it was a recording studio. It was a little, really, it really was a little recording studio. So I asked the guy, he goes, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, we do local bands here. And I can't remember the name of this band. They were like a fucking, what's that fucking? They rap a little bit. They were like a, they were more like, you know, the Red Hot Chili Peppers jumping up and down and hitting themselves each other in the head.

And they were kind of, now I'm a comic, but I would go see these guys and two days later, I churn out five minutes of fucking material, you know. Now, what does a band have to do with me? You know, how can I get creative from watching a band? You watch the singer. I would watch the singer. When I would, when I first started comedy, I would go to see these local bands, but I would focus on the singer because they're just a conduit just like me. A singer is a fucking tough job because you're a conduit. You're a condo from a band.

You're, you know, the fucking trumpets behind you, the cowbells behind you, the two guitars behind you, the drums are behind you, you know, and then you're the fucking spokesman for the fucking band. So I've always focused on singers like Rod Stewart or I loved watching fucking Robert Plant move his hips Elvis. You know, that's part of the stand up is watching a great singer sometimes because he's doing the same thing you're doing only without fucking music. He's up there. So if you're studying to be an actor or a comic, you can look at a fucking singer from a good singer and finger and it's not his voice. I don't want you to think you have to sit there and look at his fucking Madonna has a horrible fucking voice. But when she's on stage, she's got great presence. You know, she's got great presence.

Presence is a lot of, but that doesn't matter right now. But it's so weird. I would go see a stupid band in 95 and it would, whatever. So when Paul told me that, I thought about him like, Paul, that's crazy. You said that because when I lived in Boulder, my thing was to go see these little fucking bands at this fucking bar. I forget when nights. It was like Wednesday night or some shit like that on the way home. I would go in there and just sit there and it was, I forget the name of the band.

Who the fuck knows if they're still together? I don't know. But my point being is, so these last couple of months, I've been a little bit on the creative side, but it wasn't like I was before the fucking pandemic. What's happened? You bad motherfuckers. This podcast is sponsored by better help. Listen, it's a Monday morning.

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So visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. D-I-A-Z and I'm going to get your 10% and I'll tell you what, you're going to feel a lot better and the clarity is going to come to you. Back to the show. When you're, you know, when you got like Tom Segura right now, Tom Segura is in this comedy glory. He's got a great hour. He's about to put on tape, but he gets on stage every night in front of a fucking theater. Never mind that the comedy store flappers or the improv and then on the weekends you're getting on stage. This guy's getting up in front of average 3,000, 4,000 people a night. Let me tell you something.

If you sit with Tom in a car right now in 20 minutes, he can fucking write it out because his mind is already moving. Like I said before the pandemic, I was cracking myself up every fucking five minutes because you're looking at the world differently now. I got this fatherhood and I'm living in Jersey, but I'm starting to. So this week, Friday I had to go into the city to do a table read, wardrobe, take a picture with a little fucking ugly kid. You know, because he's like my son in the pilot, you know, that took a fucking hour. So I was like, you know, man, I got the week off and I talked to Chaz and Chaz like two weeks ago, we spoke about something. He goes, Hey, man, there's tickets left. If you want to come to see my show on October 1st, but I thought about it.

I go, what the fuck is it? And he told me it was at town hall and I go, that's interesting. I didn't even think about it like that. So I think Wednesday night when I found out my schedule for the week, because I was hoping Mike would get married on a Saturday. That's why I left this weekend open. We didn't know then Mike got married on a Friday. So our Saturday was wide open. One of the moms was having like a movie night around the corner and she said, you know, you guys are invited.

We said we'd like the, we couldn't get a babysitter for Friday and we couldn't get a babysitter for Saturday. So she said, just drop her off and pick her up after the show. So we got tickets online. I got two tickets online and Saturday night I took my wife out on a fucking regular date. You know, just us two just, and it was great. It went into the city. It was shitty weather. So it wasn't like when Mike and I went into the city fucking in September for that show.

That was, I saw people, it took Mike an hour to get out of the parking garage. You know, it was a lot of people. So I wanted to show my wife the city happened, but because of the rain and the wind, a lot of fucking people weren't out last night. So it took us, you know, whatever we got. I got to the theater about five to eight and it was the Bronx town and we had the last row on the bottom level. You know, we walked in. I didn't even fit in my fucking chair. It was like sitting on a frontier flight.

I swear to God, I had to put one leg crooked and the one leg up. And that morning it was funny because that morning I spoke to, I was going to say Ralphie. I spoke to Ari and Ari goes, what are you doing? I go, you know what? I got to go into the city to watch the Bronx tale at town hall. And he goes, that's crazy that you're going to town hall. You sold out that place twice. You let that place on fire.

Now you get to sit on the opposite side and watch what you were doing on stage. I was all in for last night. I was excited about last night. I was going to get to see something new and different. I have always been a fan of the one man show guys. As you guys don't know before the pandemic, I was working on a one man fucking show once a month at the comedy store. I would show up up there and just talk about a time period in my life. You know, the first one man show I ever saw was whoopie Goldbergs.

I got like a VHS tape when I lived in Boulder. I started getting into comedy in 92. And I don't know if you guys have ever seen a one man show. They really like I could put on a good one man show except for one problem. I can't do characters. I can't break down a bunch of fucking characters. First time I saw whoopie Goldbergs one man show, my fucking head exploded. My fucking head exploded.

Was it hilarious? Not really. They're not supposed to be. I mean, it's always great if they are hilarious on one man show. But hers was funny. She did every fucking character from junkies to drug dealers to hookers. She fucking nailed it. I was like, wow, that's like being a one man band, you know.

And then the second one I saw was like in 93. I saw one called Spickorama. It's John Leguizamo's fucking one man show. And very interesting. John has about 10 of them. But the Spickorama one, there was one before Spickorama. Spickorama was maybe 93. And I bought the book to it.

I had a follow through book. And that one I didn't see live. I had to fucking rent it and watch it. But I was like, wow, that is just it's an extension of a one man show. So like when I did Ari's story telling show, they're a little piece of a one man show. Go up there and tell a story or something that happened to you in a funny manner. You know, make it sad, pull them out of the fucking sadness with something funny. And that's what a one man show does.

It goes through, it's like going to a regular play. You have your first act, your second act, and your third act, and you got to break them up. That was the problem with my one man show. But I had done it maybe six times and it was all an hour, 15, hour and a half. And I still wasn't done. So how the fuck can you have a one man show that's eight hours? What are you people going to sit there for eight hours and have a meal with me? We either had to decide whether to break it from the point after my mother died

or it ends with my mother dying or it begins with me coming out of prison and getting into comedy. So that was the fucking thing we had and maybe sprinkling some of the past then, but we never got to that part. The pandemic hit, the director fucking quit the comedy store and life moved the fuck on. So when I had the opportunity to see Chaz's, I never saw Chaz's. I saw the film a few times, you know, it's on every other fucking week, but I never got to see the one man show. When they offered me the residency in New York City, they said basically you could do whatever the fuck you want there.

You could do whatever you want. You could do an hour stand up. You could do a one man show. Now for you guys who know me and know what I think is important in life, do you know how happy I would be if I could do a one man show on Broadway? Do you have any fucking idea whether it was good or bad? Do you have any? I mean, I would try to make it as good as I possibly could.

I wouldn't make it come down to see a bum rap, but do you know what it would mean to me? It would be fucking, it would be superb, man. A one man show on fucking Broadway. I catch a little heat, but that's a complete different story. Yeah, so I went over there Saturday night and I didn't know what to expect. You know, I walked in with my wife, we sat in the fucking Southwest tickets in the Southwest seats. But here's the fucking funny thing that our seats were just the way the theater was and how old it got. Our seats just got to come back and then we had two people in front of us and they were right there.

Guys, they were right fucking there. I could smell the guy's fucking neck. So what we did was as soon as the lights turned off, we just got up and we moved to because a couple seats in the back row were open. And then we had more room. It was just that area that the fucking seats were combined. But I got to tell you, man, I don't know how old Chaz Bombardieri is and it doesn't matter to me. I know he's a little older than me. He came out fucking guns blazing.

He was so fucking good. You know, I spoke to him Sunday morning. He thanked me for coming to the show and he goes, what did you think? I go, listen, man, you knocked it out of the park. But what really had me fucking cooking was the stage presence. He just fucking, you know, man, and that's what you see singers do. Like when you see the singer from Rage Against the Machine, that motherfucker owned the stage. You know, Robert Plant owned the fucking stage.

Like that guy really owned the fucking stage. Chaz last night fucking owned the stage. He came out. I mean, just firing everything. I mean, there was no backdrop because I guess the theater was too big to have like a backdrop. But he had sirens. He had smoke. He had gunshots.

He had people yelling. He had music, doo-wop music, Dion and the Belmonts. I mean, it was, it was a one man fucking show. I sat there and fucking all. And it's the same thing you saw in the movie, only a little bit more explained. He explained the African American girl. He was dating. He explained the characters.

He does every fucking character. I mean, beautifully. And there's got to be 20 fucking characters in the thing. He talked about his dad. He talked about his mom. It was just, it went by fast. It was like I sat down and I didn't go get a bottle of water. I was, when I sat down, I go fuck.

I'm going to go to drink for me and my wife. We didn't say boo throughout the fucking whole hour. It was like an hour and a half. We did not say boo. Not even a fucking nothing. We just weren't all. We would look at each other every couple of minutes and go, wow. Fucking this guy's got it down.

And then the highlight of the night was some guy heckled him. Some guy fucking heckled him. And he was telling the part where the dice game. He was talking about the dice game and how, you know, yeah, all that shit. He was talking about the dice and, and mush and all this. And he was doing more. She was doing Frankie coffee cake. I mean, he was doing all that voices and stuff.

It was just brilliant guys. And all of a sudden he's talking about that. He has to shoot dice. And he goes, yeah, Collegero throw whatever, you know, 14. He goes lucky 14 and some guy yelled in the audience, 15 and jazz just fucking stopped the one man shown. He goes, I know I'm in fucking New York. There's always got to be one knucklehead.

So he was throwing people into the bathroom in the, in the fucking scene. And he goes, get the fuck up and get the fuck into the bathroom. Like with the rest of the guys, like he didn't move it. He didn't fall out of character. He didn't fall out of character guys, which I thought was fucking just tremendous. The place went crazy because that's what people want to see. People want you to react to something in the audience. If a waitress spills a drink, that's why I tell people don't focus on the words too much.

When you go up on stage and you got that set list when you're a young comic, don't focus on the words. I want you to know bullet points and where you are. That's the most important thing because if this waitress or if this fucking knucklehead gets up and slips on his head, you have to say something and then come right back to where the fuck you were just to really keep the worst is making a tremendous joke and then come back and now you don't know where you are. So for you going away and you'll do this as a comic once or twice.

This is how you learn to remember your place because you'll have a great five minutes and then try to go back to your material and now your material cannot follow the event that just happened in the room. It is just, it's you know, comedy 101 guys. So we watched it. He took us, it was an hour 45 on the dot. That's as professional as can be. An hour 45 isn't too long and it isn't too short.

It's just fucking right. So I made a mental note. If you're going to do a one-man show, keep it at 145. 145, everybody's fucking happy. I can't stand when people do two, three hours. I don't have that type of fucking, I can't sit there for three hours. If Jesus was there talking to shit, I can't sit there for fucking three hours. So, and I love Jesus.

You know, we all love Jesus if he shows up, right? We all love Jesus, right? We don't love Jesus. We don't love Jesus, right? So he was fucking great. You know, we got, we got a standing ovation. I got up and he had a Q and A, but we had an hour drive home and we just wanted to get out of the city. So we just slipped out the fucking back door.

We called an Uber, went to the ferry and we took the, one of the ferries back. I love taking that fucking ferry. We, I love all that shit. On the way up, we stopped at Rudy's. We got a little fucking Galamara with some fucking Rhode Island clam chowder. Delicious. They just put the red and the white and mix it. They call it Rhode Island.

I guess that's what they fucking do. And it was just a great night guys. My wife had a great night. I had a great night and I came home and I watched the moon is my daughter and stuff and she went to bed and boom. The creativity from the one man show just kicked in. I mean, while I was watching the honeymoon is with my daughter, it was already like fucking like things. You know, I got like, I would lose place. Like you, I was watching it and then two minutes later I go, what the fuck just happened because my mind was already fucking cooking.

Once she went upstairs, I was tired and I sat down and made a few mental notes, just, you know, jokes, a couple of things. I saw what is one man show and on the way up the stairs, I like this fucking really works. And when I got up this morning, that's, you know, I got up this morning. I made a few notes before I went looking for my fucking umbrella. You know, yesterday morning after the one man show, I got up in the morning and I couldn't wait to come home and sit. And it just gives you different ideas. You know, I love to watch movies, guys. And a lot of you people are going to be mad at me for what I'm about to say.

I tried watching Top Gun last week. Holy shit, that was bad. And guys, I know a lot of you are going to attack me and say, Joey, you're wrong. I'm a Tom Cruise motherfucker. The only reason why I didn't join Scientology is because I'm not gay. Yeah, I got nothing to hide. You know what I'm saying? I've already told you all my sins.

So I love Tom Cruise. I watch anything Tom Cruise is in. Interview with the vampire. I fucking love him. Okay, collateral. The Jake, whatever movies where he plays that secret agent. What's his name? Jack Beecher.

I love all his shit. Okay. The movie he did with it as the Colombian fucking drug dealer. He did that movie as a pilot. He played the redneck with the blonde, the cube blonde. I love motherfucking Tom Cruise. But that movie, and listen, I watch it with my wife. My wife is as white as can be.

And she'll check me. She'll go, Joey, you're too high. This movie is great. I asked her at the hour mark. I go, Terry, what's going on here? She's like, I have no fucking idea. I go, this is not good. But then she goes, what do you want to do?

You want to stop? No, no, no. Let's watch it. We pay five bucks for it on fucking Amazon Prime. Let's watch the fuck. Let's watch another half hour. Did you see Val Kilmer with the scarf? I saw Val Kilmer with the scarf.

Listen, Val Kilmer, Val Kilmer acted without saying a word. And he did a better job acting than all those fucking young guys. Motherfucking didn't say a fucking word, Val Kilmer. And he was way better than that teller guy with the mustache that drove me fucking crazy. And the other pretty blonde that was talking shit, that dude. And what bothered me the most about that movie is that young kids are seeing that shit, thinking that's how you act. Let me tell you something.

You act as creepy as that blonde dude or Miles Teller and somebody's going to bust your fucking head because that blonde guy, that's all he needs is a good smack to the face. You grab him by the throat and say, shut the fuck up, pilot boy. I'm the Captain Kirk of this fucking enterprise. And that Penn Teller with that fucking, I don't know what's going on with these people that think they look cool with these creepy fucking mustache. You look like a professional cock sucker. You look like a professional cock sucker with that fucking mustache.

The 70s are gone, you stupid motherfucker. Everybody's talking about that. Then after I turned off fucking Top Gun, we put on that fucking blondie shit, that fucking... Oh my God, that was bad. That was really fucking bad. I mean, we were like, turn off the TV. I'm exercising this fucking television. They got bad fucking TV.

I'll tell you what was good though, that fucking Dahmer shit. White people are losing their fucking mind. I watched the whole fucking thing. I didn't remember this. You know, people are already talking shit. The story wasn't true, but listen, Dahmer was real cock sucker. I remember going up there six years after that and doing that club in Green Bay, maybe. Whatever the fuck it is, not Green Bay, Milwaukee.

I did that club in Milwaukee and one of the guys at the bar, the janitor dude. I don't know if he was a janitor, like a maintenance guy. I was like, how far did Jeffery Dahmer live from here? Dog, it was like giving that motherfucker a line of coke. He didn't shut up for two hours. He started telling me shit stories about bars and places. A bunch of shit came out, I guess, after he fucking died. But that TV show is fucking buck wild.

If you haven't seen Dahmer on motherfucking, I mean, this guy was doing some creepy, creepy shit. I guess the building got knocked down, but Jimmy Florentine said he went to the Dahmer hotel, where he used to take those guys and fucking give them pills and the fucking. He would dose those motherfuckers. But listen, all those little young fucking creepy kids that he fucking killed, I gotta tell you something, they would pray for me to dose them, because whatever the fuck he was dosing them with was killing those men. He was trying to make human fucking zombies.

That's what he said the first time. Like what I V, making it fucking happen on a Monday morning, cocksuckers. Vitamins, minerals, hard-on juice in there, everything was in there, but no. I watched that fucking Dahmer and it blew me the fuck away. And I liked how they shot it, they showed you what he did, then they tell you the fucking story. So now you know, if you got a creepy kid that's fucking... His parents were fucked up. Yeah, his parents were fucked up.

But you know what, man, I mean, you can't blame everything on the fucking parents. When you have a child like that, I mean, even their parents are in shock sometimes. I mean, you never know what the fuck the kids are thinking or doing. I mean, listen, man, my mother wasn't involved in my life. I wanted it to be, even while she was alive. I had a mom that really trusted me and she didn't look through my shit. It was like pretty fucking cool. And as a parent, I don't want to look through my daughter's shit and get on a computer

and see what the fuck she's doing. But you got to have a grasp. And I have to tell you something. If your kid is fucking creepy, you should know it. Like if your kid is fucking creepy, you should fucking know it. You know, this kid, his mom was a whack job, the dad taught him how to open up animals. But when the dad taught him how to open up animals, it was something innocent. It was like a project, like going to biology class and opening up a frog.

At least that's how I saw it. Maybe you guys didn't see it that way. But to pick up and get fucking shit from them, what do you call those animals? Roadkill? Come on, guys. But that takes a different animal. You know, listen, you hear all these things about when I was a kid, if you want me to be fucking strictly honest with you,

I think I threw some fucking rocks at some cats. You know, when you're a kid, like the animal I hated the most were fucking flies. I hate flies. When it comes to flies, I am not a Cuban Buddhist. You know me, I fucking, you know, the other day by mistake I hit a fucking squirrel. You know those fucking things that get stuck in the street and they try to go backwards and forth. And I thought I passed them and I looked back and I saw his tail. And I had to pull over and say a fucking prayer.

That's a little animal. I didn't mean to do it. When people start killing cats, that's a fucking problem. And listen, if you do it one time, like I had a friend who once told me fucking threw a rock at a dog. But he goes, I felt so bad after that I was six years old. I get it. I get it. You're a fucking kid. When I was a kid, I took a piece of metal one time and hit my dog in the head with it. Like my mother had a French poodle in 88 and when we lived on 89th Street. And I don't like French poodles. She used to bite me and shit.

So I remember one time I had it with a pipe. It wasn't even a pipe. It was one of my drum kits. It held like the snare drum and I'll never forget I was going to fucking burn it with the pipe. So I took the pipe and I put it over the fire. Like an idiot that I was at six and not realizing that the fucking heat was going to come up to my hand. So I'm holding it. I'm going to burn the cat or the dog. What the fuck I was going to do? And I just lifted it. I got blisters on my hand and I never fucking burnt the dog. Thank God. But I think I hit the dog with a pipe one time. My mother nearly fucking killed me. But that wasn't that didn't warrant it.

Like that. That was never my, you know, I killed flies. I fucking made flies. One of my friends, Dean Laprete, told me once that he saw me kill like 30 flies one day and take the wings off all of them and put lighter fluid on them and light them on fire. I forgot about that. But it sounds like something I would do, you know. But listen, you can't look at your child and predict the fucking future. You know, you just can't, you know, when I was watching that Escobar thing, when he gets killed, the mother's on a bus and it comes over the radio that Pablo Escobar got killed, you know. And people were clapping and she was like, oh, heartbroken.

And when she went to the body, she was telling him, she goes, you know, people said, my son did all these as a parent. We don't even believe it. We live in so much denial of our kids, you know, that we have to see it like we have to. So instead of fucking not paying attention to your kids because you don't want to know the truth, it's like anything else. You know, we don't want to know something. We won't pay attention to it as human beings. Like we don't, we don't want to know what the fuck is going on in there. You know something's wrong in there. You know that this isn't fucking right. So I enjoyed the Dama. I'm not a psycho. I just enjoyed it again as entertainment guys.

Oh, the guy that played Dama. That's my boy. That dude was on a show called Mayor of each town. He was the cop that got shot in the head. That was the good looking guy that was taking her out to dinner and shit. Yeah, he's an American horror story. Listen, there's nothing better than watching good acting, good writing, a good script. You know, I mean, I don't need it all to be an Academy Award. I just want to be entertained when I watch TV or when I go to a movie. I want to, you know, when you watch a Jerry Brookheimer film, like Jerry Brookheimer is all over fucking CBS, right? He pretty much own CBS. So when you watch a Top Gun, it looks like you're watching CSI. Like one of that, especially they use lenses and shit to make it look like the movie in the 80s. And they really tried. I gotta tell you something else I didn't like about that movie.

You ready, guys? A Mexican pilot, a Top Gun. No! I never saw a Mexican pilot in one of those Top Gun movies. They had to be, what's that when you have to put everybody in the movie? When you have to put blacks and Chinese diversity? Diversity is coming to fucking films now. You know, and again, the world is changing, entertainment is changing, everything is changing. I'm not ready for it to be that diverse yet. You gotta sell me on it first, you know. I was waiting for a transgender pilot to walk out of the time. I really fucking was. I really was. I'm like, wow, this is Jerry Brookheimer. This is CBS. Look what he's doing already in film. Like I understand television with sponsors and stuff like that, but if you're already doing it in film, we're going into a different fucking direction here.

But hey, listen, like I said, whether it's a one man show, it's a movie or whatever, you gotta get really entertained from time to time. And I know it's rough. I know it's rough to look at concert tickets and go fuck. $20 to see my favorite fucking band, you know, and the guys every once in a while, I want you to take your favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite band and figure out how to go see them. What somebody knew, you know, somebody you've never fucking seen before. I just heard something the other day that and they're not even advertising it. B 52s are doing their last tour. It is completely sold the fuck out like completely sold out. I like the early B 52s, the first two albums when they had the heroin guitar player that died. He added a different fucking dimension to I mean that guy's great. The first time Rock Lobster and the second one, my private Idaho, I think it is. I'm not sure fucking he he destroyed the guitar. I don't know if I go see him now, but there's a lot of good shows. You know, for me, I want to start going to see more plays.

I don't know what plays. I'm going to try to look at like off Broadway, like things that I like. I like to see things in the beginning. You know, I like to see the work. I like I don't mind getting a couple tickets like one in September, one in December and one in March to see the progression of it. You learn from that, you know, really interesting. It's like there's one band that I wasn't a fan of a huge fan of this. I was a fan of them when they came out. And then as they got bigger over the years, I definitely became a huge fan of them. I've seen them maybe one time and but it's really weird. I'll close with this. It's really weird when you hear them and the band I'm talking about is Motley Crue. You know, when you put on, you know, what's that coming home, whatever that song is or bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. All those jams are fucking great. But if you really want to learn something from Motley Crue, put on that first album. It sounds like they taped it in a fucking closet. What's what's that first jam live wire?

It comes out all the time and I listen to it. It's not the best song in the world. But if you listen to live wire from the first album, I think the second album has looks a kill on it, right? I think I don't know the old one looks a kill came on. Every time I heard that song, I snored a line of coke. That's how much I like that fucking song. She's got fucking that the jam on that is tremendous. But when you listen to the first album and you see where they went like five years later, you're blown the fuck away by them. First of all, he's a horrible singer. He was a horrible singer at the end and he was even worse in the beginning. He sounds like a fucking mouse. He sounds like a female. He sounds like a male Madonna on the first album. So next time you hear Motley Crue on the first album, put on Madonna's first album and you go fuck. They sound like mice. You know, I mean, that was the but you could see that growth. You could see how they improved. You could see all these things and it just fucking blows your way. So that's why I think I'm going to start going to theaters in New York like off Broadway or fucking Broadway. Like they got kinky boots is back and off Broadway. That's a good movie. I was thinking of going to see that, but who the fuck knows?

I'll get a just sitting in the movie theater with my fucking luck or monkeypox or whatever the fuck is going around. But that's it. And that's that. Cocksuckers. It's a Monday motherfucking morning. Listen, man, if you're in a sometimes you're in a fucking, you know, it's not working for you. Maybe you it's just time to get fucking to go out and see something completely different. I remember a couple of years ago. I want to see that Chinese shit, the Chinese troop, Peng Lai that they do the fucking dragons and stuff. I took my daughter. It was tremendous. It was, you know, and as and then the people were like, he went to see that. You know, the type that would go to see that. I go to see anything to learn something just to learn something new. That's how you learn is by watching other performers that are better than you. You have to just bite the bullet and go sometimes and go, wow, you know what, man?

When I was thinking about quitting comedy in 2009, 2010, 2011, when the podcast started taking off, I didn't know if I was going to go back on the road for a year, for a year. I went to the Irvine Improv every Thursday night, every Thursday, didn't say anything to anybody. I smoked a joint in the car on the way there. I called the manager, told him to let me into the back door and I'd sit there and I watched every fucking headliner from Matt Gerardo, and my favorite one out of all them that year was Greg Gerardo. You know, I watched Ralphie, I watched Greg Gerardo, I watched Bill Burr, you know, their hour. Not that 20 minute spots in the comedy store at a club. They're a full hour and man, did I fucking learn just sitting there watching a real fucking headliner just lay it down. And I'm not going to tell you, I brought a little pad with me and I would make little notes that the headliners would do.

And I learned more in that year from focusing on Thursday night just watching a headliner than I did probably my whole 20 years of watching stand-up comedy. So from time to time, go out there. Go see somebody who's better than you, Cocksucker. I love you, stay black, have a great Monday, and I'll see you, Cocksuckers, Thursday this week, because I'm shooting Tuesday and Wednesday. So this week we'll have the Thursday morning podcast. I love you, motherfuckers, and now for a word from my sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers, the joint is brought to you by heart and soil. Listen, you know, I've been eating healthy for the last few years, or at least I try to. I've been taking these beef organ supplements from heart and soil. I'm feeling a lot better. I got more energy, and I'm recuperating a lot better. Beef organs are what most nutrient-dense foods on this planet. More than kale, spinach, and blueberries combined. That's why they're called nature's multivitamin. Listen, I've been taking these for two weeks, and I feel great. I haven't tried the whole package. I'm taking the warrior supplements, and they're fantastic.

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