Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #202 - Joey Diaz, Willie Barcena and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comedian Willie Barcena in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey before September 1 for 20% off. Recorded live on 08/06/2014. Music: Carlos Santana - Oye Como Va Ice Cube - Today Was A good Day

This show is sponsored by Nature Box where you can order great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and french toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code joey that's naturebox.com promo code joey. This show is also sponsored by gnawt.com. Go there for alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport. Anything like that use code word church to get 10% off. The show is also sponsored by naileditlife.com for all the oil and wax smokers out there.

Go to naileditlife.com for the premier vapor pen on the market. Mention joey Diaz and get an additional 20% off of your pen. And we'd like to welcome meat undies to the church family. Go to meatundies.com and check out the pics of men's underwear and sexy women's lace longs. Go to meatundies.com slash joey before September 1st. But before September 1st you gotta do it quick and get 20% off of your first order. Oh shit. And you thought you were safe motherfucker. Wednesday night, August 6th.

The church of what's happening now, old school. There you go. You might as well break out that fucking Mexican reefer. Get a fucking pack of cheek lay and it's all over the shouting bitch. Because we got a hot fucking show coming for you tonight motherfuckers. Straight from the little apartment in North Hollywood, California. And here we go. O.Y. Komovar cocksuckers.

Here you go. Get up. Take that bitch to death. Tell her shake that ass. What? Are you fucking kidding me or what? The Flying Jew, Willy Bar Center. What?

Are you kidding me or what? Kill that shit, Lee. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the church of what's happening now. It's Wednesday night, August 6th. I hope you're all right. I hope you got your reefer. You ate your dinner.

You did your jumping jacks. You were ready to rock here. We got my main man Willy Bar Center in the house. The Flying Juicy. What's up with you cocksucker? Feeling great. I'm excited to be here. What'd you do today?

I kind of took a little bit of an off day. Not really. I did a little bit of work. And then I went to the gym and fuck it. So you went to the gym. You didn't take an off day? No, I know. But we had two early days in a row.

And then I had a couple podcasts. So I just kind of hung out today. Oh, you slept late, you mean? Yeah, I saw you. I recovered tremendously from my colonoscopy. Yeah. I took my first little poop and there was no blood in it. Like the doctor said he would.

So everything's all right. I recovered. So sometimes it pays to just take fucking good care of yourself. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome. I didn't do dick today either. I didn't do dick yesterday. I went to Jiu Jitsu today.

What did I do yesterday? I did something fucked up. What was yesterday? Tuesday? Yeah. I went to Acupuncture yesterday. I got my shit done. How's Dr. Amy doing?

Dr. Amy's a bad bitch. You know, she was working on my wrist. She cut me. She stuck fucking 2,000 needles in me. If somebody looks like me right now, there's a voodoo doll on you. So fucking together. She stuck needles everywhere though yesterday.

And it's because they want to take the anesthesia out. So she took the needles in my leg. I did the regular fucking thing on my back. Then I did the cops. Then she lays it in my hand. Did she say anything? Because sometimes you come in and she's like, Dr. Amy said I was smoking too much weed.

Did she see anything? She said that. I changed when I got out of there. Like I did pick up a lot. I had a headache when I walked in. When she fixed the needles in me, I'm all right. Sometimes she knows how to clear me up. I go every other week now.

I go every other week. I'm getting ready to go back to the fucking comedy store tonight. You know, I haven't been there in seven years. For reasons, you know. I just figured you got to close one door before you another one opens. I was going to ask you about that, actually.

Would you stop with that fucking thing already? Cuck Sucker. I'm trying to get it right. Jesus Christ. Since I've known you, I had to get out of there. What is it like going back? Because once you make a decision, you don't really change your mind that often.

Mom, I'll tell you what's going on in my life. Willie, since I've had the baby, I'm still a hard worker, man. Right. But I've gotten a little soft. I find myself watching TV, you know, with her. You know, I find myself a lot like watching TV. You know, my wife isn't working, so she slows me down.

I'm the type of guy that likes to get the fuck out of the house early. I like to get out of the house. I go to a coffee shop and write. You know, once I got an hour and a half, I write and then I come home. And I still write, but I'm not going out at night. And I'm very happy that you're here tonight because you've always been one of my all-time favorite comics.

And I've always been a slash. Slash. I admire your writing and I'm kind of jealous of it. Because you have a great comic eye. And, but I'm not getting on stage enough. No, you have to, bro. Well, you know, you're a guy that comes from Jiu Jitsu and then knowing that whole martial arts world.

It's, you know, that goes hand in hand, man. You know, and if you don't roll, like, you know, you're talking about, you forget it. I don't care. You could be the smoothest guy, but you lay off the mat for a while and you get on. And it's almost like you're learning how to walk again. And the same thing happens with stand-up, man.

And, you know, that's why I, you know, I'll go to any crappy club, you know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, I'm the king of that. I'm the king of that. Like you, the work ethic has been there. But what happened was I didn't want to go into Hollywood no more. And then I just said, you know what, man, I've been here 17 years. I don't want to beat it there anymore.

You know, I got the podcast early in the morning I want to be wide awake for that. You know, I like getting up early because I need two hours to jump in front of my wife and the baby, bro. Right. Because once they get up, there's nothing you can focus on. There's no joke you can focus on. There's no podcast you can focus on.

There's no book. I'm trying to write a book. So you have to do it, bro. I'll tell you what. You have to because I read a book by Stephen King. Stephen King wrote a book on how to write. Yeah, tremendous. All right.

Did you read it? Fuck yeah. Okay. What did he say about that part of writing, man? You remember he said people who are waiting for the perfect time for everything to be perfect for you to write? Those are called amateurs. Right.

You know what I mean? That's what I used to be. Yeah, he goes, so I remember when I read the book because I had been doing that because, you know, I have three boys, my wife and then, you know, you're busy and whatever. So I knew that there was no, there's never a perfect time, man. There's always going to be something that bothers you or someone outside of, you know, people that get in your way when you want to write,

but you have to keep writing through that, you know? And that's what Stephen King calls anybody who can't do that. It's called an amateur, you know? And I... Well, when my wife and the baby get up, I mean... I'll have fucking Stephen King come to my house and see if you're going to get a notebook out and put like this with that little gorilla on your fucking lap.

You follow me saying that? You know, I know, bro. I write, but I have to beat them. Yeah. Like I have to get up at five, write for 45 minutes, get up, take a shower, go back, write a little more, and then by the time they get out, boom, I'm theirs. If I wake up and she wakes up 10 minutes after that, there's no way.

I got to watch the first half of my, my wife gets the house ready and cooks breakfast. And I learned a long time ago that when you have a band, I didn't know. That's how I first, I'm like, hey, I'm gonna... And I told the friend of me, listen, I'm gonna give you some advice. When you got the kid, you got the kid. When you got the kid, you got the kid.

She's got on the couch now. She's on the couch now. All right. So that's her new thing this week. I can't sit down. All right. There's no matter what I tell her. Mercy, get down.

You know, mercy, get down. You know, I got to fucking... It's 20 times a day. And the next morning she wakes up and she forgets. Stephen King can't fucking write through that. I know what Stephen King's saying. Stephen King's saying, if you have three kids, you have to go on the road, you have to work out,

you have to be a husband, you got to find time for fucking writing. So if you got to stay up till two in the fucking morning, and write, you got to fucking write. That's a lot of people on this thing. Yeah. Even he even said, I think he wrote at the Laundry Man. You know what I mean?

When he's doing his Laundry Man. I mean, because... But it's quiet at the fucking Laundry Man. It probably bothers you, shit. Right. Right. Well, you know, it's those kind of things. And we were talking about comics who write.

And I know that you write, but there's some guys that I hear that are waiting for the perfect, like perfect, everything to align itself. Perfect before you can pick up your, you know, pen or your laptop, whatever. And it's not never going to happen. That's never going to happen. Never.

You know? And it is what it is, man. It's like a joke. I mean, we were talking about writing jokes and stuff. And that's another thing that I think where comics make mistakes is they try to write the right joke. You know what I mean? They try to write the right joke when they write.

And there's, there, you can never do that either. There's no such thing as writing the right joke. I mean, you might run into writing a, like by accident, write one that's right, like off the page, like you write. But anytime you write, man, you're going to write wrong before you write correct. Right. Absolutely.

Yeah. And that's, and I think that's where comics get into a lot of trouble because they go on stage with what's wrong. Obviously, the audience is going to, you know, give you bad feedback. A comic, a comic thinks that is bad feedback. But actually, there's no such thing as bad feedback, man. The audience just tells you that's not the way to write it, you know, rewrite it. There's no such thing as, but a comic goes, oh, man, I wrote this, it didn't work.

I wrote this, it didn't work. And then they hear another comic do a joke and they go, wow, look, that's the way you do the joke. And then they start doing that joke. So that's how you get into bad habits of not trusting your own self. You think that everybody else has a better joke. So you start taking, you know, comics, you know, the comics that take. But, you know, I mean, we're talking about this, you know, about not succeeding, man.

You literally have to go through a process of having a piece of garbage and then, you know, having a seed and planning and putting water and all this. You got to go, you got to go on stage. And like you were saying, like, you know what I'm used to. I mean, we were talking before we got on the air and you said something that's key to success. He said, I'm okay with bombing, man. You like you embrace bombing.

Love it. Bro, see, that's because you've gone to another level now, man. Your comedy is going to, like, you know, it's just going to, you know, what you get at the results of that is going to be, it's going to be yours. Because you bombed and then you wrote and you rewrote and you, and then you write, you listen to it, you know, and then, okay, maybe I'll say it this way. And finally, man, when it's done, it's your bit, man, you know. But it really, it really has to go, you know, you have to strike out a bunch of

times before you hit the ball, man. How long does it take you to write a 10-minute bit? A 10-minute bit. If I really put my heart and soul into it, it'll probably take me four months, three months, four months. So an hour would take you a year? A year, yeah. Good for you.

Yeah, about a year. But that's me like being, like, you know, obsessive. Writing, performing, right. That's me being obsessive about it. You know, where I almost get psychotic, because I think some of the comics, some of us, you know, if you were to analyze us, if there was a therapist, they would think there was something, you know, because we get obsessive, man. You wake up thinking about the bit, you know.

You're like, you know, fuck, how do I write that one? What do I tag it to? Or what do I talk about? Or how do I make that funnier? Or this, and, you know, and, but yeah, and another thing, you know, there's not only one way to write, man. You know, a lot of people think there's one way to write. Man, there's so many ways to write.

One is you take a premise on stage and you go up there with your, you know, with nothing and nothing. And you just start talking. And then, and sometimes you get laughter. You get laughter. You get laughter out of just, you know, an idea that you had, you know. You walk up there and you go, I hate assholes, man. Ran into an asshole right now.

And I'm going to tell you something about this guy. And you just start talking and it get laughs. And that's why I say, man, that if you ever go on stage without recording yourself, you're missing out. You're missing out. I always never record myself. You never, bro. You know why?

I can't hear my fucking voice. Okay. You know why? Because you're listening to you, Joey. That's why you fuck up. If you listen to yourself saying, I bought this CD or I, you know, I'm going to get down. I'm going to check this guy out. Not, not, not you, Joey, go outside of yourself and critique yourself.

Like, okay, I'm going to listen to this guy. I just paid money for this. Now I'm going to listen to him. Break away from, don't, don't, don't have it so close to the vest. Like listen to it as if you listen to a comic named Joey. And now you really, now you, now you're really going to be hard on yourself, bro. Talk about not liking yourself. You're going to go, fuck, why, I should have said this.

And then you stop it and you say what you should have said. And then you listen to it. And you say, why the fuck am I pausing so long there? That didn't need that. I could, I could have just kept firing. And then so you write or, or, or I need to slow that. And that guy needs to slow down right there. You know, I didn't even hear myself.

So that's, that's how you do it. So you don't, you don't get bored of yourself. So you don't go, oh fuck, I know what I said next. I know what, I know. Right after this, I said that thing about, you know, the fucking guitar or whatever. You know, that's how you keep from doing that. That's how you keep from getting it, making it stale for yourself. You critique the fuck out of yourself.

How long have you been doing stand-up for now? 23, 23 years. And what made you start? What made you go down to the lab factory and say, fuck you motherfuckers? All right, bro. I was going to be a cop, man. That's the truth, bro. I was going to be an LAPD, but, but, but, um, I got arrested, man.

The, the, the day that I had an academy date. And then, and then I got a DU, I got a DUI. And, and I was, you know, and then I was, I know what to do. My friends were like, uh, it should be a stand-up. And we snuck into the comedy store. We snuck in the back and I remember, uh, who was that? Pauly Shore was back there. His mom would hang out with them, you know, remember those days?

And then, uh, yeah, I went back there and, and then I, I, I, because we would heckle comics at me and my friends. We would go just to fuck with them. You know, it was opening my fucking rookies, you know. And then so I went back there and I got, I got some laps, um, the first time and I thought, fuck, this is easy. Any monkey can do this shit. And then I went back the second time and I fucking bombed and I was fucking,

then I was depressed, man. Fuck, maybe I shouldn't be a stand-up. You know, like, uh, but, uh, no, bro, yeah, you know, but that's how I got into it, man. Because if, I think, I think, uh, comedy saved my life, bro. Because I was, you know, I was down and then you're down and then you're like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? You know, and then I was a stand-up man, you know, but, um, no, man, it's a great way. You know what?

I used it. The reason it was, it was, uh, great for me, man. It was because it was, uh, I was able to use it as therapy because I would talk about all that shit that happened of why I didn't, uh, you know, become a stand-up, you know. And then, then you have people put shit in your ears, right? Because I remember I would go to comedy clubs and go, no, you shouldn't say that. You should talk about this. And then I remember when you were a young comic and people were like club owners trying

to mold you and you go, well, fuck, he must know what he's talking about. I mean, you know, he owns a club, right? And then you, so you go back and forth. You kind of fight with yourself. Do I, do I, do I write jokie jokes? Do I write about my life? And it takes you years to figure out, fuck you, man. We're right about what I want to write about, what, what, when I say it or what I care about.

That's all. And what were the clubs used to go to when you first started? Like where were the places that were around that? Laugh factory. All right. All right. And, uh, uh, the, the comedy store and the improv. You know, I remember the improv, the improv was, uh,

man, it was, uh, it was white, man. You remember Saturday night at the improv? I don't know if you, Joey, man, 1993, 94, man. And, uh, I remember the first time, um, Bud had seen me. He made me a regular man. It was like only two, three years into it. He made me a regular at the, uh, at the improv. And my, and my first manager was probably a cat.

You know, Dave Rath, you know, that was your first manager. I was his first client, bro. I was his very. When I met you, you were with Bud's son. Yeah, Ross. No, no, but, but Dave Rath, who went on, and I think he was, he was, uh, all those alternative comics, right?

Sarah Silverman and, and all those people. But before all of them, I was, because he was, I met him. I was doing a show called, uh, MTV kamikaze. Okay. I remember that show, Stan. You did that. Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah. You weren't even fucking bored. No, I, I, I was a kid, bro. This was 93. Yeah. Around there. Yeah. This time comedy was huge.

Comedy was on MTV. It was on TV. Yeah. Yeah. They had two stand-up shows on MTV. You had Sunday morning comics on USA or something. You had evening at the improv. You had improv.

Huge. And you had something on Saturday nights and Friday nights on NBC. Late. Late. Comic strip live on Fox. Oh my God. That's how, that's how it works. Why do you guys think that isn't more prevalent now?

Because you would think with all the great comedy, like in the only show and not to shit on them is the comics on leech thing. And that's, that show sucks balls. Oh, it's, it's terrible. And Byron Allen is a dick, dude. Oh, is he? Is that, he's a, bro, I'm sorry. He treated me like shit when he was on his show.

And he asked me, they asked me like 10 times to be on that. And I, I, I turned it down, bro. Like, I don't want to do that show. I don't want to do that show. And then he did, and then I finally did it. And, and then I, I, they asked me, well, what, you know, what, what credits do you want to say? Or what do you want to say?

And I say, hey, say that I got a, at the time I had a comedy central special coming, right? And then the, the, the PA comes back and tells me, well, he, he says, he's not, he doesn't want to mention that. I go, why, why doesn't he want to mention it? I got a one hour special coming out, he goes, nobody's, nobody's going to watch it. That's, that's what he tells me. He tells the PA and I was like, you know what?

Tell him, tell him that I want him to say that, man. You know, tell me, tell him that, that I said, please to, to, to throw that, throw that out there. So, and then he, bro, he, he, he acts like he's this fucking rock star. Have you done that show? No, he, bro. They called me. I passed it again.

I didn't once, I said, fuck that. I'll never do that again, bro. And then he acts like, he was sitting there. I forgot what it was called, but we did it in Santa Monica in a theater and it was called comics.com. Remember, have you seen that one? It comes out late at night, same type of bullshit that. No, I haven't seen that one.

Yeah. It's called comics.com, whatever, man. It was like two billion comics and they, they, the same audience was there from eight o'clock in the morning to eight o'clock the next day. Fucking, they looked like they were hungry and tired and dizzy. And then he's sitting in the director's chair and, and, and bro, you would think it was like fucking big Hollywood producer director or some shit, man. I was like, fuck this guy, man.

That guy's never said a funny fucking thing in his life. Is he a comic or no? He used to be, well, I never saw him perform, you know. So I remember one night they called me and they go, we're coming to the store. I want to see you for comics to unleash. You got to be spotless, clean. I go, listen, let me just, well, when you come on the show, you have to give us a, anytime I do radio and they say to me, what's your, what do you call it?

What's your slipping? What's the material for seven in the morning? You want me to talk about trains? And that's what they do on that show. You're talking about sport. It's terrible. And it's the worst is the comics are used as a credit. That's the one that I'm like, dog, I ain't saying that.

I ain't saying that. Fuck that. No, dog. Don't embarrass me. And there used to be like, what was the one premium blend on comedy central? There used to be that one. I was growing up. Like, like, I think that was the first, I think that was the first place when I saw

like, Dane Cook, if I'm not mistaken. He's 26. Yeah. You're a baby. So yeah, that doesn't be great. But it's just like, that's the first time I saw Felicia Michaels on comedy, Kamikaze. Kamikaze.

And then those days you did comedy, Kamikaze, MTV, Comedy Hour, that taped in San Francisco. And then you had, yeah, it was just a different time for comedy. And I would sit there and cry and say, I'm going to get on stage. I'm going to try it. And finally, I got it. You know, but it was funny. One of the first people I met when I came to LA was Willie at the two rooms. Right.

Right. At the, uh, the tequilas. Tequilas. Yeah. That was Tuesdays. Yeah. And Wednesdays was Gotham's. Gotham's.

Right. Which became Southgate. Southgate. Yeah, yeah. But tequilas is something different now. There's some reason I drive past that place. Yeah. I go, oh my God, that's a place.

I don't know if I forget the first time I went there. It would, there had to be 300 people on a fucking Tuesday night at these places. And Willie was the navigator. Willie, you know, they gave you a thing. You had to send me $40. Willie, I'll give you an extra $5, bro. I'm supposed to give everybody drink tickets. I kept them all.

Drink tickets, you kept them all. It was so much fucking fun. And, you know, you think of, like you said, you know, you know, I've been doing comedy for 24 years, but there was certain places that really helped you. Yeah. I took the Wayans brothers down there, bro. In the hood. I took Chris Tucker down there back in the day.

And that was ghetto ass room. Ghetto rooms, man. Man, hey, bro, those Cholos were playing. Yeah, they weren't playing. Isn't it, it's kind of weird, because you've told stories about, like, how those different rooms in comics have shows. Like, it's kind of, it doesn't really make sense. I mean, it works.

But, like, just because you're a comic and then now you're producing a show, like, it doesn't seem like you'd be good at it. No, you're really good at it. No, I wasn't really producing, bro. Yeah, that's what they say now, like, producing a show. I would just tell a friend, go, hey, get five comics, bro, I'll give you 30 bucks. So my, the other guy was, hey, man, come on, do 10 minutes. He called, you know, call a bunch of guys.

And then I would just get up on stage and do, you know, I've always, I would always stay out too long. Do you guys recommend those shows? Because every once in a while, I'll see on Facebook somebody post something like that. And, like, I mean, it's not, maybe I shouldn't think it's right. It's not the comic store or the improv. Yeah, I'd say, like, maybe I shouldn't go there. They're going to be bad.

Yeah, no, that was a great fucking show. Those are great shows. Because those guys are headed to the count. Like, I used to do Willys to go to the comic store. Like, listen, man, let me tell you something. Willie, Rudy, Casa Latina, whatever it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All these guys booked the same rooms.

And one got fired, the other got picked. But all those rooms developed me. I remember when I lost, man, I remember, like, four, five, no, about seven years ago when we lost all those rooms. Yeah. I used to say, what the fuck is going on with my money? Because those rooms were next to 3, 400 a week. That's 1,600 a fucking month.

Going here, picking up a 50. Going here, picking up 100. Somebody's got a buck and a quarter. Somebody's got 80. Somebody's got 75. Sebastian's got 63. Sebastian always gave you 60 with three singles, though. I'll catch you with the other two next week.

You know, there was always something, but those things kept you alive. Those rooms, you know, listen, man, when you're a comic, the goal is to do, and I'm not kidding you, Willie's my, Willie, we do three, four sets a night. When you live in New York, you do six sets a night. You start at eight and you go through three if you want.

So it's not just once. That's what I'm saying to you. I was getting soft lately. Because Willie, with the five shows I got to do on the road, Thursday through Saturday, five shows, I got to give it my all, talk to people, smoke pot, sign autographs, take pictures, you know. Then I got two podcasts at six in the morning.

I'm trying to work out every fucking day. Now I got the wife, the kid, writing. I'm trying to write a book, you know. So at night, you got to cut something out. So I said, you know what, maybe I can handle it without going out during the week. So I'll go out on Thursday, and everything I wrote from Sunday to Thursday,

I'll just work it out on Thursday. So if I do an hour and a half on Thursday, nobody gives a shit. I don't like doing an hour and a half, but I try everything. Right, right. But see what you're fucking up, bro. That's not recording.

Not recording, because you know that, man, sometimes, haven't you noticed you say a bit, and the fucking bit crushed, and then you do the bit what you think is exactly the same, and it kind of, it dies, or there's not, or there's that like that sea laugh, like kind of a ha-ha laugh, not like, not a fucking laugh. It's funny, because whenever I go with him,

I'll say something at the end, like, oh, you did that bit different, and he'll be like, I did that bit. So it's like, you don't even remember this stuff, because it's not the same, but I won't remember stuff we say in the podcast. I'm gonna be like, what podcast was that story from, and I don't remember telling the story.

You know, I should tape myself. So if you miss, like it's exactly what Lee said, man, if you miss like a little nuance, you know, maybe there was a little delay in between the words, and that killed it. You know what I mean? Maybe you just said it faster,

but if you do not, man, if you, but you know. You tape on a tape recorder yourself? I know, I have like a little tape recorder, man. That's about three inches, and I just put it by a table next to me. Yeah, and that's my homework, man. That's how, that's exactly half my writing, when people go, that I'm writing, because I couldn't like to sit down and write and write,

like, you know, for three, four hours, I get bored. So I break in listening to, you know, the sets that I've done, and I listen to them, and, man, I just did. Okay, who was there, man? I was at the John Lovitz Club on a Saturday night, about four weeks ago. I did an hour. I fucking ate it, bro.

I'm fucking, but I knew it. I knew I was gonna eat it. I was ready for it, but I said, I have to get all this stuff out so I can start working on it. Right, that's what I mean. I have to get it out. I just go fucking, just to see the verbi,

just to see the look on their face, if there's even something. I'd rather start it that way. There's times I will write something, like just now. I wrote, Jews are allergic to peanuts. To me, that's funny. Right, right, right.

You know how long, you know how I'll put that in a fucking notebook before I go on stage? All right. It's eight, six, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do the Hitler joke, I'm gonna do the Cuban joke, I'm gonna do the Jews don't like peanuts. Right.

For a month, I'll get up and I'll do these first two jokes, but I'll miss Jews are allergic to peanuts and it infuriates me. You know what, Kerry? Kerry, listen, especially, you're not an open micro, bro. You're established as a comic

and the audience knows that you're a comic, man. So I think what we've earned and what I've done, man, I'll take out a little index card and I'll just look really quick. I said, hold on guys, man. You guys don't want to hear the whole shit you've been hearing all the time.

Hold on, okay. I'll put it back and I'll go look. Because I don't want to do that set. And it's like the guys that, Joey, we know these guys, man, the ones that have done the same exact hour from beginning to end for the last 20 years. It kills you.

It kills you, kills you. And then I think, I really think that's how comics end up wanting to kill themselves, man. Because think about it. It's like having to go up there and sing the exact, as a band, exact same three songs every time.

You get depressed, man. You go back to, you don't feel like it's real. You know, when people go, hey, you are funny, you're creative, you get a pat on the back or people shake your hands, you feel like a weasel, man. You feel like you're a fucking little sneak,

you know, because it's the same shit you've been, you know, you really want to go love, bro, man. I did that shit. I've been doing it for 10 years, you know. How'd you come up with that? You ever do a bit, you've been doing it forever? How'd you come up with that? When did you write that?

Yeah, look at this, man. You have had it 15 years, bro, you know. But no, honestly, you know, going back to not having a healthy mind and not having a healthy mind, I think bombing keeps me healthy. The fact that it keeps it fresh to me, you know. It's almost like I give the audience something,

I'll give them, I'll play some of the hits, you know. And then I'll place something for me. That's what I do. I like that too. And then I can see the audience, like sometimes, like you can see them like, well, where's that going? And you want it to go somewhere, but you kind of want to stop and go, look, motherfuckers.

I want it to be funny too, all right? You're not the only one's disappointed, motherfuckers. You know, I'm disappointed too. But look, I'm gonna give you something now. I'm gonna give you a cookie. All right, then you know, you do an old joke that then they're all happy and then you sneak in some other shit, right?

But if you butt, but here's Joey, here's what I think, you're missing out because you're missing out that little step is recording it, bro. And that's, you know, that's where a lot of comics, I've heard that before too. I mean, man, you know, I hate listening to my voice. And then you think I sit at home

and watch the longest show, I don't know. I can't watch myself either. All right, I can't watch myself either. The other night I had the remote control away from me and the longest show. My wife was going through the chance. She goes, uh-oh, you're making money again. And just me hearing my voice, I was like, get that shit off.

I don't know, and I was ready to fucking break the TV. I don't want to see my, I don't want to hear. Now, I thought that was a problem until about five years ago and one that I had let him in on. And what's a good looking guy? Comic? No, no, no, just actor. Yeah, yeah, I forgot.

Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt. No, the guy, uh, whatever, grew a straight street. What's that show he did when we were kids? Now he's, I don't even know. Jesus fuck. Anyway, he was on there. Pirate to the Caribbean.

Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp was on there. Johnny Depp was on there. Johnny Depp, who is a fucking beautiful man. And so he goes- I fuck him. So he goes, so I let him in and spoke and he goes, so what did you, you know, after the movie,

did you watch it? What did you think? And he goes, uh, what? And I let him in and goes, did you watch? And he goes, I don't watch nothing. Yeah. I don't watch the dailies. He goes, wait a second, what do you mean?

He goes, I don't watch nothing. Because the last guy I want to see on stage, you're here. Isn't he? Well, I hear it and table 11 is like, whoa, this is bizarre. And he goes, I'm telling you, I don't watch nothing. I don't watch, I'm not De Niro. De Niro watches everything. Look at my hand.

Let's shoot it again. Because my hand went up just an inch too much. All right, all right. That's De Niro. When you work with De Niro, that's how he does. You know what, Joey? I didn't like your eyebrow. Yeah.

Okay. If you watch inside the actors studio, took fucking ten hours to stab Tommy in the trunk because he didn't like the noise. He didn't like the way the noise had to get the right, I mean, you know, he's fucking nuts. But I think this is a little different. I'll tell you why.

Because when you're on, when you're doing stand up versus acting, you know, I can see, I can see that. I can see why you wouldn't want to watch yourself. I've heard a lot of actors don't want to do that. But in stand up, you're writing a script, Joey. You're writing a script. You know that you're writing for yourself. You know, in acting, they gave you a script

and you're going to, you're going to perform it. Here, you're writing your own script. You know what I'm saying? So how are you going to write a good script if you don't listen to it and try to, you know, you know, move bits, you know, or cut bits, or get ideas for other bits? I think that's a little different

because you're writing your movie. You're really doing, you know, when you're on stage, you're an hour. You know, when you watch a movie, it's an hour. So I think if you look at it that way, that you have to have that discipline of listening to yourself so you can write your movie. You don't want your movie to be shitty.

You want your movie to be fucking to hit. Do you guys ever think about, like, Joey, you give Willie, you're recording for the week. Willie, you give Joey. And that way it's kind of like a peer review or something like that. And then you could listen to someone else and get another look at it.

No, you know, that's hard. That's hard. You know, I've done it for one guy. I'm a ties thing. And I don't want to mention his name. And he had a special and it was successful. But I think that's the, I think, you know, if there's any way that I can work with anybody else,

that other person has to be there because we could say, stop. Listen, bro, did you hear that? Did you hear that? And then not hear nothing. Okay, let's rewind it. We rewind it and we go, boom. Do you hear that?

Do you see how, do you think you pause too long? Do you think if you just would, you know, or you get other ideas? Do you know what I mean? If you're talking about something, you go, oh man, you talked about, you know, you and your wife, man, why don't you talk about how you, the same shit used to happen to your girlfriend

and then you're right. You know what I mean? So I could work that way. But going, me listening and then sending it to him and calling him back with notes, that don't work. Okay. That doesn't work. And you know, I, in my mind, I know what you're saying.

It's, it's really amazing. When did you get so writing savvy in your career? What year did you get right? Did you read a book before this? I know you're, I know you read a lot of books on writing, but when was the first time? What was the first book you read on comedy writing? Or writing?

Okay. Well, the one that, the one that really got me going was, I mean, there was a lot of, I guess it Lenny Bruce's book. Lenny? That's what got me going. That's, that one got me. And then his, his special, when you listen to a special in Carnegie Hall.

The black and white one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's why it's, I have the, it's audio. Okay. And it's, and it's, he's in Carnegie Hall, and he talks about missing, missing the plane,

trying to get to this gig. And, and, and what I liked about it, that he just starts, he just starts talking, right? He starts talking and he goes, hey, what if, you know, it's, it's midnight right now. What if the owner doesn't know we're here? And, you know, he's just talking. And then it's quiet.

And then somebody yells out, you know, like, hey, blah, blah, blah. And he was like this, like, like an Italian kind of guy. He y'all was out like, hey, do that bit, you know? And he goes, and he goes, and he starts talking about, what do you mean that bit? He goes, that bit doesn't, doesn't make, move me anymore. He goes, I can't do the same bit, you know?

Because I got to create new stuff. And when I started reading about him, and then when I got to the last, and then when his book, when I got to his last chapter, I really connected. When you get to his last chapter, Joey, he talks about how when he was doing, was it tonight show, I think it was with Jack Parr?

Jack Parr. Yeah. He talks about how he hated it. He goes, I hate doing five minutes, because you have to be so, you have to be so contrived. And it's got to be joke one, joke two, joke three. And he goes, he goes, I fucking hate that. I don't feel free.

He goes, I much rather do an hour, you know? And when I'm reading, I go, you know, I've done many tonight shows. And I did the one hour at the time, and I connected with that. And then I realized that in order for me to write and create, because fear, fear of not working anymore made me write a lot, Joey.

Fear of not, because after my one hour special on Comedy Central, the producer came up to me and said, hey, Willie, and I was pumped up, you know? I just had a one hour special. And he goes, hey, Willie. He goes, you know, your special's on on this date, man. And I said, yeah. He goes, you know what's going on in the following week, right?

I go, no, what? He goes, some other guy special. And I thought about that. Oh, no shit. Once my special's done, that's it. And then how many guys that we know have, they've done one hour, and then we've never heard of them again. And I didn't want that.

I didn't want that. I died, you know? Like, you know, you go through that comedy death where you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, the people don't hire you anymore, you know? Because they think, oh man, oh yeah, it's that same old shit that we heard. So that's what, that's, I think the fear,

the fear of not wanting, somebody not wanting to see me or not getting that chance again, it's got me to write. And then, and then I write many different ways, man. I do, I do like 10 different things, Joey, to keep myself from getting bored, all right? I don't have one way when I go right. Like if I go to the diner, okay, one day I'll go, I'll have a premise.

Like right now, it happens to be assholes, man. I even, there's a book right now called Assholes. That just, that you can, yeah, yeah. And the guy who wrote it is, it's got like a degree from Harvard or, look it up, man. Find the guy, it's called Assholes. And he talks about how people become assholes. And, and so, and a lot of it has to do with entitlement, right?

People become entitled when they're little. Oh, you're special, you know, you're, so people grow up with this idea of thinking they're special. When in reality, they're fucking not, man. We're all in this earth trying to coexist with each other and be thoughtful of one another. The fact that your parents put it in your head that you're special is a fucking lie, right?

So I'm writing this thing about assholes, man. Did you find the book? It's by Aaron James. Absolutely, there's the book, man. By Aaron James. And so what I'll do is, since I'm writing about assholes, I'll buy a book. Okay, I'll buy a book.

This guy wrote a great book about assholes. So I'll, I'm there and I'll write, I'll read 20 minutes on what he has to say about assholes, right? So there goes 20 minutes. So I, because I have ADD, man, no, no. Okay, I read. And then another 30, 40 minutes, I'll write a premise. How many assholes have I ran into in my life?

And I'll write one sentences, one through 20. You know what I mean? This guy was an asshole. I remember when I was a kid, I remember my, I had an uncle that was a dick. This, you know what I mean? And I keep writing, you know? By Aaron Allen.

I don't know, you know? I'll write like people who, and now I have 20 sentences. And I leave that alone, right? And then, hey, I'll put 30, 40 minutes into listening to, to, uh, uh. An old set. An old set that I have in my recording. And then I'll listen to it.

And then that's how I keep from getting fucking bored, bro. See, when I first started, I was a type of guy that was similar to an old, but got a fucking coffee shot. Right. Fucking eight hours with your pencil in your mouth, writing one word at a time. And for years, I got discouraged. All right.

Well, it's hard to do it that way. It's very hard. Were you trying to write funny, Joey? Were you, were you actually trying to, but were you, when you put the, you know, the pen to the paper, were you trying to create funny? I don't know what the fuck I was creating. I was creating a premise.

Yeah. But what I realized seven or eight years ago was that I put my comedy notebook here. I took another notebook where I just wrote. Yeah. Every day was a chapter in Joey Diaz's life. And brother, by exercising this, oh, fuck, I'm gonna write this.

Right. Oh, in the third grade. Oh, shit. Yeah. You follow me and I realize it's a muscle. It's a muscle. And that's made me, that's really helped me. That's something that I had to learn on my own

because I got sick and tired of, oh my God, this cocaine in this pen. You know what I'm saying? I got sick and fucking tired of tasting that fucking pen at a coffee shop and drinking three fucking coffees. But I knew the importance of sitting down. I think it was, wasn't it Stephen King on writing?

He said, you have to sit down. Yeah. Sometimes it's the end of the two hours that something comes up. But sit down. Don't worry about it. Leave two hours, sit down. And that's what I've done.

And it's helped me. But now I gotta get the fuck out of the house. I gotta get out at night. Like now I'm starting to, I'm switching this whole thing around for the fucking winter. If I want to shoot a special this December, I got like 13 minutes towards the special.

Bro, listen, man, I've seen you. I went, I wanted to go, first of all, I've seen you on the road with working with you. And there's something, man, Joey's the only guy, and I don't know where I got the balls to do this, man. I'm surprised he didn't fucking grab me

and fucking show me into a wall. But we were working Texas, and this is like 10 years ago. It could have been longer. And I said, Joey, man, you might not, not being so dirty. You know, and the reason I, you know why I said that?

And I told you, we've talked about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I didn't have the balls, man, to follow him. I couldn't follow Joey. Joey was just like a beast. And then I used to try to go up there. And one time I just couldn't do it. And then that's the only time,

and I felt so, I felt like such a scumbag asking you that. That years later, we're at a club, and we're, you know, and I call them over and I say, hey, Joey, do you remember like eight years ago? And then I apologize for that. I never, I never forgot it. And it bothered me forever for, because I don't do that.

I don't do that to anybody, man. You know what I mean? I don't do that bit. I don't give a fuck. But Joey, Joey, come on. But I know you've heard that. Okay, I had the balls to be honest with you and confront you and apologize.

But come on, bro. You know a lot of comics. I've told you that. That said, that when, if they were going to follow you or whatever they would say, you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the only one. But I'm sure you've had other guys go,

hey, Joey, can you tone it down a little bit? I had a couple of guys do it. See? And I got to be honest with you. Let me be honest with you. Between you and me, as brothers, I don't remember. I was probably in a cocaine haze. I don't remember you telling me, but I wasn't.

You know, you come up to me 15 times and go, be clean. Yeah, no, I'm going to tame it down for you a little bit. You're my brother. Yeah, yeah. There's been a couple of people I've done it to me. I had a colleague. And I lost all respect for them. No, I get it, bro.

Because they weren't. And then the most guy was Rocky LaPorte. Rocky LaPorte, I worked with him in the Dallas End Problem one time in Rascals. And it was just every time I came in the next night, somebody pulled me aside and said, hey, he don't want you to improvise. Hey, he don't want you to curse.

Hey, he doesn't want you to. It was a horror week till I finally had to go up to him and go, let's switch checks. You told her? Yeah, let's switch check. What are you talking about? Let's switch checks, bro. Because you don't deserve the check you get.

All right. How much do you guys think about that? Because you're trying to make money. You're doing it as a career. So part of you has to make the audience, like has to do something that the audience will like. But you also can't only, I'm assuming, you can't only do something to pander to them.

Because if like, let's say Joey, if you were the first time you pander in this business, you lost. It's over for you. Okay. The first time you pander in this business, it's over for you. I was watching something the other night.

The fuck was I watching? Oh, I was reading Sam Kenneson's book on the plane, Brother Sam, where he went after he went to, he did Saturday Night Live. He was doing the thing. He went to the rehearsal. He did two jokes. They called him in the room and they said,

don't do those two jokes. And he said, okay. And when he walked on his brother, he goes, you're not going to do them? He goes, fuck them. And he did the two jokes. They banned him for life. Toilet Coff stuck up for him, took the band out,

made him the host of Saturday Night Live two months later. The most interesting story, I heard Kevin Fitzgerald. Kevin Fitzgerald and Denver, the veterinarian, was on stage one night, doing a fucking joke about marijuana. And when he got off, a guy came up to him and said, Mr. Hicks doesn't want you doing that joke tomorrow night. Tomorrow night came.

He did it. Mr. Hicks signed them up and took them on the road for two years. That's a true story. You follow me? Any comic knows. I've lost work. I've lost work over it, whatever. I wasn't designed to be there.

So it's fine. That's how I look at it in my mind. One thing I want to talk to Willie about, I've always loved you, Willie. And I love you dearly. I'm very lonely out here at times. But I'm lonely for men. I'm lonely for, you know, I got Lee under my wing now.

So you'll make it. But Lee knows what I'm talking about. I'm short of, in LA and the comedy scene, we have a shortness of men. We have comics. We have male comedians who are hysterical. And then when you see them, they act like cunts at the comedy clubs

because they probably got a special or whatever. But in this field, we have a shortness of men. Because a real man wouldn't work in comedy. And you look at me going, Joey, but Bill Byrne, men who look at each other and what they say they mean and what they mean they say. And when they come to you and they talk to you as a man, you have to respect them because that's how they talk to you.

We're in a business that's very faggy. It's very fucking hypocritical. The people that you comics love. Oh my God. They're a bunch of fucking hypocrites and they don't have balls. They've lost their balls. When I see a comic I knew 10 years ago

and he has a little success and he won't talk to me now. He lost his balls. I threaten his fucking well-being. That's what you're telling me. Guess what I'm going to do now? I'm going to fuck with you. My natural instincts are going to fuck with you because you're threatened by my...

You understand me? You're too worried about your money. You know, we were friends. We drove to open mics together. Right. You ever have guys who drove to open mics together? And all of a sudden they get a TV show and you see them and they don't look at you?

Yeah. You threaten them as a human being. One thing about Willie, one thing about... I can name three comics. Out of all the fucking assholes you guys watch, I can name Willie and maybe one other guy that were men. When I say men and for years while I was here, I wasn't a man because the cocaine had taken my balls away.

Because God forbid I would make a stink and not be able to go home and smell cocaine. But after Marilyn died, before she died, I had a long talk with myself and I got my balls back. And part of the thing that got me through the cocaine, Willie, you know how bad I was, was that I had to become a man again. And the first night I became a man was when I went to the congress and I went after Jeff Valdez.

That was my night to make a manhood comeback. That was my... And a lot of people were mad at me for that. A lot of people won't do business with me for that. A lot of people have taken me off the charts. Neil didn't like me. That's why when my employer called me again, I don't want to do nothing because Neil didn't like me because of that.

Fuck you. I don't want to do business with you either. You fucking cunt. I don't want to do business with you either. I was sticking up for a friend. I was sticking up for a friend and I was sticking up for... In my cultural thing that he had insulted us. When a Jew comes to me and says he wants to help me, I'm not insulting you, Lee.

I'm just talking about a general manager or a general agent. When an Irish guy, so nobody gets insulted, when an Irish guy comes to me and he says he wants to do something, and I'm using this on the other side also, Lee, if a Cuban guy comes to you and proposes a deal to you and the deal goes sour, it's sour. But when a Jew comes to you and fucks you in the ass, it hurts a little more, okay?

It hurts because he's a fucking Jew and you're supposed to be brothers. He's supposed to be looking out for you. When I went out to Jeff Valdez, I felt he wasn't looking out after us. He wasn't looking out after us. We never really had a voice. Every time a Latin comic gets a little bit of a voice,

they lose it because God forbid something happens to them. They forget who the fuck they are. And I was sick and tired of it. Somebody had to say something to this motherfucker. And I saw him at the church. I saw him at the church and I would kill him at the church, but my Catholicism was too strong and got my corner. I was going to Karate and Kempo Karate then.

I went to Kempo. Hey, I went with you. I saw you had a class in. See, so I was typing my dough. I said, yeah, with his son. This is how long ago this was. One thing I've always admired about you, Willie, that I don't like the rest of these fucking cunts in this comedy game,

you've always been a man. You stuck to your word, what you feel you believe. I mean, let's get it out of the way. You told fucking Mitchie, sure. Hey, what the fuck? Look at me and you were banned from the Congress. Yeah. Let's say everybody knows Willie.

We'll talk about it on here. Yeah. You've always fought for yourself. You know that you've always had to stick up for yourself. Like me, I don't have a voice. Yeah. You know, the podcast has done well and the jokes and people come to the shows now.

But as far as, you know, everything I've gotten, I've had a fucking claw. You know, you know, in this town, if, and I'm just using his name, let's say Judah Freeland. Judah Freeland, it gets the longest yard. They got billboards, people taking them out to dinner. The agents, nobody did nothing. And I got that movie from scratch.

I put I went in my coped up mind. I put a helmet on and a fucking football uniform. There was two sizes, two small. I used American ingenuity, something that these fucking cunts don't respect anymore because nobody does that shit. I went to Vermont two years ago. I was going to Kung Fu with the black guys.

And it was a homeless area. And there's a lot of homeless people live there. And as I got out of the car and I was walking to Kung Fu, I looked at the corner where a homeless guy used to live. He used to have his pictures there of his family. I'm not trying to be funny. In the corner, there was a subway sandwich pointed upward. It was a 12 inch, but it was a six inch.

And I looked at it and I go, oh, he's ballsy. With all these homeless people there. But if you look close, there was a little piece of shit in front of the sandwich. You had taken a piece of shit in front of the sandwich. That's American ingenuity, bro. That's American ingenuity. You understand me?

That's what you need to do to survive in this world. That's what a lot of people do not have. They don't have that thought that, you know what? Willie doesn't want to see me for a movie. Guess what? I'm better than Willie. I'm going to fucking show them. And I put the fuck they told me where they want to see star names.

We got Tony Saragusa and Big Pussy. You know what? They're actors. I'm funny. I've done half time of a Buffalo Saber game. I've earned my right. I've followed Paul Mooney for fucking two years. I've earned who the fuck I am. And I believed in what I believed in and I got it. That's ingenuity. You know what I'm saying?

It's balls, man. And I think what you're going to, who would want to hear this? Is any young comic sneaking to come into LA or New York? You got to have. And when we say, and I know what, and I think some people misinterpret what you say balls, because balls, anybody, any monkey can have balls. They're all in jail.

We're talking about mental balls, mental balls. The balls that what keeps you getting up in the morning and saying, fuck it, today it's going to get better. Today I'm going to write a better bit. Three motherfuckers you see in LA that was stars, Willie. That went to Montreal and got $6 million. That variety wrote an article about him. They're gone, dawg.

I know one kid came here. He had a follow-up dice when I had to store. You could hear the crack. His managers were there. You know when the managers show up? When four guys show up. Oh my God, it's so exciting. And your client fucking dies.

That motherfucker, he was one of those good-looking dudes that comes to town with six minutes and they give him a half a million. Then they got him up at the store and by mistake, because you don't bring those little faggots to the fucking store. You bring those little fruitcakes to the improv or the live factory. You don't bring those fucking faggots to the store. They put that little motherfucker behind dice.

You could hear his spine cracking from the fucking outs 20 feet away. That's the fucking store. But you need, you're right. It's mental balls. It's when I wake up in the morning, it's whatever I write when I get up. When I go in the shower, I'm like,

I don't want to go to school tonight. Willie's fucking the pie can't. Fuck that. I got the biggest dick in this fucking room. That's mental balls. I slept in a car, Willie. My car got towed. My apartment got towed.

And then I would sneak in and take shits and showers at Ralphie May's house or Josh Wolves house. Or what kept you out here, Willie? What kept you getting up every morning, Willie? Man, I grew up poor, bro. I mean, I guess, for me, I've heard, okay, I saw a good interview with Sugar Ray Leonard and they asked Sugar Ray Leonard,

hey, how come none of your kids box? How come you didn't? Would you like any of your kids to have been boxers? And he goes, no, man. And he said, you know why? Because to be a boxer, you got to be hungry. You got to know a hunger that regular people don't know about. And you and me, I mean, when I was a kid,

man, I was born in Mexico, bro. You're right? We came here when I was five. I used to slang oranges in East LA when I was... I know what it is to go to bed hungry. You know what I mean? And I just don't want to be hungry, man. I don't want to be like...

You know that hunger when you're a kid. And I think that hunger in your belly, it gives you mental balls not to quit. And it's funny because I have two teenage sons and they're in baseball, guys. I want them to have that hunger. They can't have that hunger that I had, but they can have a little bit of it.

Do you know what I mean, bro? Like, come on, man. No one's going to give you shit, bro. You got to go get it yourself. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get 20 bucks of gas? You know what I mean? I mean, they're still tough.

They still have... But not that fucking hunger, bro. Where you hear like that... You know, the things that make us come from nothing. You know, that's what keeps me... How was your father, Willie? No, well, he... My mom left him when I was six, five, six, six.

Have you ever seen him? No, no. He died, man. So... He died. So I just grew up with a mom in LA. A single tough mom. Yeah, single.

Yeah, she's a man. She's fucking crazy. She's still with you. I mean, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I remember getting my ass kicked when I was 12. And then my little Asian friend, and he went and we were like two blocks from my house and he ran over there and he told my mom,

hey, they're beating up your son. And she told... His name was Simon. Simon Lee. And she told Simon, well, tell them to hurry up and kick his ass because I got to be at work and I have fire. So he ran back and said,

Willie's mom said to hurry up so he can get home. And no motherfuckers kept me there like another, you know, whatever. However long it was, long enough for her to walk down and she slapped all these little motherfuckers around and then slapped me around. And she goes, Mom, fuck her.

Then I... She's yelling at them. Hey, didn't I tell you to hurry up and kick his ass? And she grabbed me by my hair and fucking like, like, you know, pushing me home, you know? You know, hey, didn't worry about whether I won, whether I lost, whether I... No, hey, I told him to let you go and fucking, you know,

I got to go to work. So that's the kind of mom I... The reason why I asked you about your father is one thing I know about you. You're a great comic, but you're also a great father. I think that comes from not having a dad. That's right. I knew something that was fucking awful.

You know... Because you... I told everybody, I remember telling people, you know, when I was a kid, Mr. Vanochek was the father in my neighborhood. He was a big father. And whenever you saw Mr. Vanochek, I'm his son Richie, the guy I hung out with,

it was tremendous. Like, Richie would have to stand straight. Hands on... I'm not kidding. Hands on the side. You couldn't talk unless you were spoken to. You know, and the first time I met your boys, they were... Oh, yeah, they were like 10 and 8.

They were jujitsu. You saw them for jujitsu. You took them to 9th Planet with any... 10th Planet with any problem. 10th Planet. And I knew them even before that. But the first time I saw them, they were both at attention. And when I walked up to Willie and hugged them,

Willie said, this is Mr. Diaz. Shake their hand. And in Spanish, that's big. When your mother said da la mano. That's how moms treat you. Da la mano. No, I have a lot of... You know, give them your hand.

And they both put their hand up. They were like quiet, you know, and they both looked at me. Hi, Mr. Diaz. And I left their fucking impressed as fuck. I was like, fucking Willie's a great comic. But he's a great dad, because Willie knows. Willie knows you gotta stay on top of your fucking kids.

You gotta be respectful, man. You gotta be respectful. Respect goes along. Respectful, gratitude, you know, your words, you know. I mean, it sounds corny. You know, Scarface said it years ago, and it might sound corny, but people that grew up in the hood,

where they actually know, like, people that died, or have cousins that have died, or been killed, and... Or, you know what I mean? You know that you, just being an honest dude, can keep you from any of that shit. Just, you know what I mean? Just, you know, if you... I know guys that have done drugs forever,

but they know, okay, I bought this much drugs, I gotta pay that motherfucker back. And those are the ones that are still alive. 25, 30 years later, the guys that died, that we know that got died, that got murdered, it was like, well, what happened? I mean, he owed them 30 bucks, right? He owed that guy 10 bucks.

So I tell him like that, and that relates to now, with my kids, it's funny, man. I got kicked out of account, I got kicked out of the punchlines forever. They don't let me back, bro. All right? And I was there for a long time. I was at the punchlines, I was at the Sacramento one,

I was at the, what's that, the other one in San Francisco. Like, I mean, I was welcomed, man. And then, three years ago, I was working on New Year's with a comedian named Al Maldregor, right? And he was, we were co-headlining, but he went on first, right? And then I went on after.

And they had, it was New Year's, right? We're co-headlining. So he had a DJ, there was a DJ on the side, because when it was New Year's, the DJ was gonna play music, right? So there's this little kid, man. The kid had to be like, between 19 and 21 years old, the DJ.

And he could tell the kid was just so happy to be there. The place was packed. And Al Maldregor gets up there, and he goes, hey man, before I start this comedy, you, he called him you. He didn't say like, hey bro, nothing. So you, you have to leave. And I can see the kids had, like, his smile went away.

And he goes, you have to get out. And then the kid, now the kid's like confused. And he goes, I, and I'm telling everybody here right now, and he got in this high horse. I was like, what the fuck, bro? I thought you were, you know, one of the people, you know, like a regular dude. So I want you, I will not start this.

And then he goes, just want everybody here to know that I will not start this show until you leave. You have to leave, then I'll start. So I'm back there with my wife. You know, me and my wife, I was trying to get her back at the time. We had all those problems. And I looked and I said, you see what I mean?

Cause he's, Al Maldregor is Mexican, right? But he grew up very rich and, and, and, and proper and doesn't know anything about the hood, right? And, and I get it. Not everybody has to be from the hood, but I told my wife. And one of the reasons me and my wife had broken up was because she wanted them just on the west side of like,

like, you know, the schools. And she, she had Willie playing violin on this side. And the other one was playing piano. And, and I would take them to boxing in South Central, man. You know what I mean? And my wife was like, you know, you're crazy. You know, I don't like the way you're raising the boys. And I says, I don't want them to be socially retarded, man.

You know what I mean? I don't want them to be socially. I want them to be able to hang out with the white guys, the Jewish guys over here. You know, how you doing? You know, to be able to articulate. But at the same time, if they're, you know, with some homies, they're right.

They don't act like, like they're fucking lost. They're like, Hey, what's up, bro? They get, they get too education. Yeah. It's too educated. I wanted both. And they have both, man, because I've seen it. I've seen them around homies and they're, they don't drop.

You know, they're, they're the same way. Same love, same hug, same way. They'll talk to, you know, a Jeffrey, you know what I mean? I have for whatever. I'm just saying, not that all guys are named Jeffrey, right? To be fucking stereotypical like that. But, but you know, and then so, so I told my wife, I go, you see what I'm talking about?

See that, see on that comedian, he only saw one side of the, of the street, man. You know, look, look, look how bad. Look at the kid. Cause the kid was standing like 20 feet from us. So I go on stage after he did his hour. I go on stage and I go, Hey kid, come back up here. Come out.

But what's your favorite record, man? What the fuck do you like to play and play your favorite record? And I'm going to sit here and some bring me a beer. Because while you're playing your favorite record, I'm going to sip on my beer. Because if anybody has ever been to a Mexican wedding or a quinceañera, the DJ is always by the stage. And the crowd went fucking nuts, man.

Right? They're fucking yeah, cause I brought the kid back. And then, and then I have the microphone and I'm talking to my wife back there and I go, Hey babe, honey, you see what I'm talking about? I don't want my kids to grow up socially retarded, man. And then El Maldredo got the mic from the back and he goes, who's socially retarded?

Because I think you're retarded. And he goes, Hey bro, I go, listen, man. And in my head, I was thinking, I wasn't even thinking of him. I was thinking of my relationship with my wife. You see? And it was kind of collateral damage. You know? And I was going to apologize to him afterwards.

And I did. When it was all said and done, I get it. He turned off the mic on me. He did some, but the audience still loved me, bro. You know what I mean? I was hitting, bro. So I was done and I went back there and I said, Hey Maldredo, can we talk?

And we talked like men, right? Like you say, bro. And this has happened to me a lot with these fucking assholes in Hollywood. They're so fucking phony. I said, El, look in my eyes. I'm apologizing to you, bro. There's a lot of things going on at the time my wife was leaving me, man. I go, but I didn't have the time to explain to him the whole fucking story.

I just had time to say, I'm sorry. I was wrong, completely out of line, man. Can we shake hands? And he goes, Willie, the fact that you're apologizing and this and that, you know, that means a lot to me, man. And I go, well, the fact that you accept my apology means a lot to me, man. So we shook hands, really nice. It was, I felt forgiven, bro.

I fought, I fought forgiven. I felt forgiven. And then three days later, I get a call from my agent. They never want you at the punch lines again, because El Maldredo said that you threatened him. And I go, we shook hands. We hugged that motherfucker. But you know what?

I don't hold grudges because I used to, you know, let it be. You've seen me in action when I had another problem with another comic in front of you. I went up to the guy and I said, hey, bro. I've seen that. You put your hand down, man. I said, hey, man. And he said, I don't want to shake your hand. Okay, go fuck yourself then.

Now, you know, if the world was ending and you're next to me, I'm going to punch in the fucking head again, just out of principle. Not dog. I have a big problem with a lot of comedians. I have a big problem, their attitudes, their attitudes, they think like they walk on water. And we all put our pants on one another at a time. And I had the same problem on sets.

And I've straightened people out on sets, too. I've taken, you know, I go on sets. There's no food. I pay fucking $2,000 a year to sag for fucking, you better bring some fucking food here. You know, I don't give a fuck. Where's the apples, bitch? I go there on a Sunday.

You got crackers and apple juice. That don't cut it. So I've made scenes and people don't want to hire me. And I haven't made scenes. I've tried to talk to people as a man, because that's how I was raised. Can I talk to you for a second? Like, come over here.

Well, you got to get it together. Whatever. Whatever. No. You know, in this town, it gets flipped around. You know what, man? I think what makes a lot of these guys such weasels, man, I think a lot of them do show up to LA as solid guys.

Yes, yes. They sell their soul. But I think the game, the managers and the agents, and they start realizing, hey, fuck, if I don't get ahead of that guy somehow, someway, I'm not going to make it. So they start being sneaky. And I think what it does is it starts watering itself.

And then before you know it, it's just. It's your lifestyle. You're just a fucking asshole. You're just a fucking like, you know. And I'm to the point in my life where I could look at somebody and go, look at that fucking fake motherfucker. And I'll play him out, too, whatever. I'll wait for him to, you know, and whenever you go to auditions,

you always see people, Joey Diaz, oh my god, you're so fucking funny. Yeah, but you book a room. You never call them. And they look at you. Oh, but get the fuck away from me. Go over there. Do you guys think it's money?

Because it's not every rich person. But some of the worst tips I ever got as a server were from people with a black card, the American Express black card. They've just spent $100,000 a year on. And I got stiffed by one of them. And it's not all of them because there are some great rich people who tip well. But to me, in my experience working retail, the richer

they are, the more rude they are, or than on tip as well. Well, they're entitled. They're entitled. Go read that book, asshole. They're entitled. How many times I go somewhere the other day and there's a lady with the fucking, with the Land Rover, with the yoga tides, and giving orders at the coffee shop.

Yeah, yeah. Giving orders. Like, take this off the thing. And then the girl said something. The redhead, the key redhead said, Marie T. Said something. She goes, no, we don't do that here. Well, all right, get the fuck out.

You know, when I look at it and I go, that's, you know who's fault that is? The husband. Because the husband knows she's a fucking cunt. And he sicks her out in society with that fucking Land Rover in those things instead of making that fucking cunt get a job. You know, I see it. I see it.

I go to, hey, listen, I go to the park every afternoon. I got an 18 month old. Let me tell you something. Half that park in Studio City is Mexican fucking maids with their kids. Let me tell you something. My mother was a fucking drug addict. My mother owned the bar.

She drank. She ran a bookie operation. She always had time to take me to the fucking park. Okay. She always had time to take me to go see the Harlem Glow Trotters. My mom would make me fucking fight at the park like we was one. I have a single mom.

I got beat up. My mom took me to the park. What are you doing in your life that's so spectacular that you can't take your child to the fucking park? What do you do? What do you do? It's the bullshit. Hang out with your friends and play fucking cards.

Now don't come crying at me when you're like, are you going to the park? I go to the park and play. I was telling my wife, I could pick out the faggots in the park. I could pick out the kids. They're going to be faggots. You can see them.

There's one kid that was there today with green socks that every time they go to play. He's six with a cell phone. With a cell phone, calling people at the park. And you don't mean gay, I don't think. I think you mean like a jerk. Half of them, I see two today that fucking same-sex marriage is in their future.

They're playing on the swing. Those two little faggots, they were like six. You could tell they're fucking going to be sucking each other's dicks. You could see. You don't need a fucking genius. Those other kids that are walking around there with those Mexican parents, they're probably having a good time.

But you know what? I got to defend the, I'm going to tell you something. In the last 10 years, I've had a, I don't know, a rebirth. Yes, you have. And not in the Jesus Christian way, bro. Just as a- You read a book. You read a couple of books.

I read a couple. Well, I got my head out of my ass. But you know, it's funny. And I know what you're trying to say, Lee, because we know Joey, right? And as far as these faggots and this and that, I remember, bro, going back in my life, literally, a lot of the guys, man, and if I'm true to myself,

I would have never said this 10 years ago, man. But some of the guys that gave me the most beautiful life lessons, man, bought life with homosexuals. No, they gave me lessons too about life. What a big story they say. No, but I know you're not like that. I know you're not like that, but I can see somebody not understanding. Yeah, no, no, I'm not saying I like that.

You're just fucking around. I'm seeing these fucking kids. And you could tell they're going to get their lunch money taken. You could tell they're going to- I could tell their future. Just by the way, they're acting at five. Raised and titled? They're raised and titled.

Yeah. Listen, bro, I was raised to take those kids fucking lunch money, even though my family had money, just for being weak, just for acting like that. Like, you got to shake them. Oh, they're going to be weasels. Oh, they're going to be fucking weasels. They're going to be agents.

They're going to be agents. And you look at these kids and you can see what their problem and their moms aren't at the park with dads. Then they look at my daughter, who's got both her mom, because I go with my wife every day at the fucking park for two hours. I'm like, Willie, I know that either you could pay me now or you could pay me later. If you don't take care of your kid now,

you're going to have problems later. I have a friend, Steve, who has got two daughters and never gave him a prom. Steve does everything with those girls. He does everything with those girls. You know, I know when I became bad, those two hours that my mom wouldn't come from the bar from three to five, you can't give a kid those two hours from three to five.

Willie didn't give those kids to him. He sat there while he did homework, but they took him to do activities. There's things you have to do with your children. And then the point that I'm saying to you is that a lot of comics, you know, we go on the road. Yeah. We do fucked up shit on the road.

We got a dick suck, whatever. We got a chick break, whatever. And you, you know, if you look at, you know, there's got to be a 40 percent rate of divorce in comedians because of that week, you know, we leave for the week. It's hard, man. It's fucking hard for you.

You young comics out there that are saying, man, I can't wait to be on the road. If you're an open micro right now and you're saying things like, man, I can't wait to get on the road. I'm going to tell you something, man, you do not find out who you are, especially when you're a young comic, you're a young person and you're working somewhere

a week by yourself. And all those people that come say hi to you and everything, there's no real, real connection. Like there's no foundation, you know what I mean? Somebody that you've known for a long time. So talk about all that loneliness that starts kicking in, right, bro? Like when you're a young comic, when you're older,

you're like, wait a minute. Hey, babe, yeah, yeah, go now. I'm reading this book. I'll call you back or I got to go do this. But when you're young, man, I remember I was like, I don't know what to do with myself, man. I was out there twilling my thumbs in the condos that they put you up and you just fucking start

thinking crazy shit. Like, is this it? You know, what's going to happen in my life? What if I don't make it? You start thinking all kinds of crazy psychotic shit. But it's a wheel. No, Willie, I wanted to get you on the show because of all the comics I'm out there with.

You're one of the ones that I always, like I said, when I saw that Showtime special, I taped it. It was coming on in one night. I said, all right, give me it. Listen, Willie, when you got to believe this about me, when I see somebody, before I leave the house at night, I always check Leno, Letterman, and somebody else, Craig Ferguson, just to see who's on.

You know, I left and Maja Brownie was on. I got to tell you something from my heart as a comedian, even if I don't like you as a human being, when I see that you're on a TV show, Kimmel, I want you. All right. And I want you to make me laugh. I sit there, like you say, and I distance myself as a comedian, and I can't wait for somebody to make me laugh.

Those Montoya specials, you put them on. They're fucking one way. Who's Matt Tom Arnold? He's up there talking. You could tell they're not laughing. You hear all this laughter and everybody's sitting still. Okay, nobody's banging their legs. I don't want to see that shit.

When I put Willie's special on one night, it was like a Sunday night, 10.30. I was going through my DVR. Willie Barcelona. The first eight minutes, I was blown away, like the material, the tags. I don't know what the fuck you were saying. Who knows?

I was so excited. Every night I go home and they have this fucking shit on showtime. The other one, the punch drunk, the one they shoot at the lab, the ice house. You wait for a fucking, you're waiting. You want to laugh. I don't care who the fuck it is. There was somebody on a friend of ours that was on.

I watched. He had a half hour special. I watched. I watched Spanish kid. The first joke he did was so bad, I had to turn it off. First joke. I had to turn it off. With you, I had to turn it off because I was tired.

You know, because when I get an hour special, if it's really good, I break it in half. So I can think about it. I had to watch yours three fucking times. And then I caught you. You remember, I caught you. And I said, I'm not bullshitting you. I watched it.

I wish, I wish in my 20 years, I could write as good as this kid. What's the name of it? Because people want to watch it. I got to be honest is the one. OK. And truth hurts is the other. OK.

And I couldn't tell which one they're on. Watch both. Yeah. Who gives a fuck. If you're up and coming comic, watch it. If you're some guy at home, sitting at home thinking, oh my god, Louis C.K. is so funny. All these fucking strokes are so funny.

Watch Willie Bartheson. Well, it's I got to be honest. I got one that's the latest one. Deal with it was like four years ago. Deal with it four or five years ago with Comedy Central. The ones Joey's talking about is I got to be honest. The truth hurts is we just shot this about four months ago

in Texas. So that they're working on right now. They're putting that one together. But no, man, I appreciate that. Joey, I mean, I don't know if you remember what you told me, bro. But you go, Willie, I see you. Willie Cox, OK.

I saw your special. He goes, if you were white, you'd be famous. I didn't tell you. You know, it was the jokes, the timing, the tags, the smile on your face, the delivery. And now I see it. Now you just told us the secrets. It's a tape recorder.

Yeah, absolutely. It really is a tape recorder. Oh, man. You got a new job, Cox. Oh, yeah. A tape recorder tomorrow morning. How often do you think about that? Because Joey told you before we started

that I'm dating a Mexican girl. And every once in a while, she'll say something where it's like right now, she's doing interviews for law firms. And she's finding it harder being Mexican. And some people are just bringing her in because they have affirmative action stuff. And then she doesn't complain.

But it seems to be on her mind. How often is that? Like, does it? Well, yeah. I know exactly what you're saying. I know exactly. You know, listen, it's been a battle for me. I'm sure for Joey, too, having a, because you mean

you listen to Joey and you could listen to him 20 hours. And he doesn't have to say anything reference to Latinos. He's just a human being, man. And I know that he's, you know, that I'm sure that that has come to like a hurdle, you know, where he's like, hey, man, don't forget the Diaz, man. Just think about who I am as a person. That's the hurdle that I have.

Because I'm a lot darker than Joey, man. You know what I mean? You could put me out there and I'll get lost in fucking East LA as, like, where's Waldo as far as like the illegals, right? But for me, you know, being a guy that I want to write, being a guy that loves Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, and those in George Carlin, those are the guys

that I love. Those Hispanic guys that are out there, I think they're cute. I think their comedy is cute. You know what I mean? And I don't want to be disrespectful, but it's cute, man. It's not, it doesn't resonate with me. It doesn't like, it doesn't, it doesn't like, oh fuck.

Yeah, man. I remember that shit. I remember when, you know, like when I wrote about my wife leaving me, man, I made that shit and I was fucking hurting that when that, the day she actually had happened, but I fucking made it funny. Do you know? Well, that's the magic of a comedian.

That's what a comedian does. He could take a fucking story about 20 Puerto Ricans getting shot and you should be laughing. You know, you take your pain and you flip it. You know, a good comedian like Willie. Now, unlike me. No, you're great. You're fucking great, Tony.

You get laughter. But no, no, no, I'm going to give you the comparisons. When I saw Richard Jenney, I learned something from Richard Jenney. Let me tell you what I learned from Richard Jenney, that when most comics are on stage and a waitress comes, you go, hey, hi, let me get a Jack and Coke Willie, let me get a beer, and you're looking good tonight.

When Richard Jenney used to be on stage, I used to watch him. People go, let me get a tequila on the rocks. They wouldn't take their eyes off him. Okay. I make you laugh. Listen, hold on. I make you laugh.

That's something completely different. A good comic like that special that I saw that night, you made me laugh and you made me think. You have to resonate. You're right. I want you to remind me of something that hits home. I don't talk Latin shit on stage because I don't live a Latin lifestyle.

It's in my heart. Yeah, absolutely. When I wake up in the morning, I remember who the fuck I am. It's in my fucking heart. After 15, my Latin connection was disappeared. My world shadowed when my mother died. But I always kept speaking Spanish.

I always knew that that's it. I always kept it. You know, when I go to a fucking restaurant, well, who's the people I call? The Bus Boy. Bus Boy. You get the Bus Boy, you own the restaurant. You follow me?

If you see a Bus Boy, you go, Plimo, I got me money. When he comes over, you get my friend and you go, keep this motherfucker hopping with bread and water. That guy feels so good that you talk to him. Most people go to a restaurant. They don't talk to the Bus Boy. When I go to a restaurant, I talk to the Bus Boy.

I know what it's like to be a Bus Boy. I don't want to talk to the major D. I have friends that sell coke at Spagos. They're Mexicans cooks. And I always ask them, when you, who was the best person whoever came into Spagos? And the guy always says Sidney Portier.

Because the first thing he does when he gets in there, he walks into the kitchen and he talks to the Mexican cooks. And they feel like fucking God. You know, everybody else insults. I used to do a podcast with Felicia Michaels. And the lady who takes care of the house, Juana, is a Mexican woman who now takes care of my little daughter three days a week.

And I became friends with Juana because I always made sure I said hello to Juana. Because I'd see how people treated Juana. Ten people walk into Felicia's house and wouldn't say hello to Juana. That's my Spanish side. I know what it's like when I came off that plane from Cuba. I know what it's like to feel insecure. I don't know what it's like to sit in the back of that class in the Jewish classroom in 2 p.m. 166.

But I wasn't mad at them. I could look you in the eye, Willie, and I could look you in the eye and tell you that nothing's ever been shorter for me from being Spanish. It's being shorter for me from my own short comics. Because I'm dirty, because I threaten Jeff Valdez, because I did Coke, and the same thing got taken away from you, because it's stupidity.

Because you stood up for who you were. We had a very interesting conversation here Monday. Lee went to the movie theater, and some dude was fucking with popcorn. And Lee wanted to say something. And he didn't have the heart to say it. I go, Lee, your life doesn't start until you stick up for yourself. In more ways than one. We're family.

We're all family. We fuck around. But I'm talking about a stranger. You don't have to be a gorilla. You have to have balls mentally. Like he said, I don't even have balls mentally. I'm a gorilla. Today some guy cut me off.

And then he's trying to do it 20 miles an hour. I called him at the light, and I called him a bald-headed, fucking top sucker, faggot. And he just looked at me stone-faced, because nobody talks to him like that. I don't have the time. You're going to cut me off like a douchebag, and then get in front of me and be more of a douchebag?

The hurdles I've had in life is I created on my own. After I did The Longest Shot, I did a great job on The Longest Shot. One producer didn't fucking like me. Until this day, because I called them out on December, they were talking around. People can't take that shit. In this town, people aren't like me and Willie. You come to me and go, Joe, I need to talk to you about something.

The other day you called me a Jew, and I didn't really like it. I go, Lee, what the fuck? And I go home, and I think about it. The other day I said, fat. Then I tell you that it bothered you, and you go, no. We were talking about getting things like, what are we going to look like, two fat astronauts? It's when the guy on Facebook called you fat.

You know, some guy this morning said, hey, fat ass, you're typing a lot today. I'm surprised you have cardio. I wrote back, do I know you? Do I know you for you to talk to me like that? Go fuck your grandfather, you fucking, and he fucking flipped out. People don't understand that. So it's okay if you insult me, but right away.

So tonight, when I was thinking about Willie, I go, he's got the two guys that'll tell you in this life you have to stick up for yourself. I'm not like a gorilla. You're a sweetheart of a god. But if you come and tell somebody the truth, if they get mad at you, I don't want to do business with them. If I come tell you, like, I don't know, if somebody comes here,

and this time, if somebody tells you the truth, they'll cut you off. But guy like me will go home and think about it. And no, the truth is different in Hollywood. That's why I fucked up so much. Me too. Because I thought the truth was like the way we were raised. That's how we were raised.

With the truth. With plumbers and cops and firemen and drug dealers. And the truth kept everybody alive, right? And kept everybody cool. But then when you get into Hollywood, the truth is fucking foggy, bro. The truth here means bullshit. And if you're able to, it's like somebody said about a comedian.

It's the weasel of a comedian. And then we were talking one time and said, how did that guy get so much? And then another guy said, that guy was able to master unsoncerity. Do you know what I mean? If you're able to, and then, I mean, it is what it is, man. It's the only time plastic surgery looks terrible on people.

Terrible. It's like putting a wig on. I know you got a wig on. You're not shocked at me. But they all get plastic surgery and tell themselves they look beautiful. In 10 years, this whole town, to make it, you're going to have to have plastic surgery.

You're going to have to have something done to be part of that. Oh, it's getting hard, man. It's getting hard for it. Think about how back in the day, you went and you studied or acting, or you studied to be a comedian or a singer. Now, hey, man, who can be the sell his soul the hardest?

Oh, the bachelor. I'll fucking, I'll fuck every guy, you know, the bachelorette, right? I'll fuck every guy in there and I'm good looking and I'll fucking, you guys can write gossip about it and fucking I'm a star or the Kardashians, right? No, look, man, no fucking talent. Like not one sings, dances, tells jokes, poetry,

fucking nothing, bro. And they fucking own the fucking studios. You know, the E. And I'm like, oh man, you imagine how many actors are out there fucking eating out of a fucking top ramen. You know what I mean? And why? Because it's bullshit, man.

I remember, bro, I did that show Chelsea lately. All right, I don't know if you're friends with her, bro, but I did the show with her, man. And they gave me a, they go, okay, what are you going to talk about? And I had like 20 jokes, right? Like the topics, not jokes. I had the bullet points.

And then they go, oh no, no, no, she's not going to like that. She's not going to like that. She's not going to like that. I was down to like three jokes and it made me look like a cute beaner, you know? Like I was a cute, like that beaner that is, you know what I mean, that can come over, the non-threatening beaner, you know what I mean?

And then so I come on on panel, right? You know, the bullshit comes out. Man, fuck it, my pussy hair. And she's talking dirty and cussing. I'm like, I'm looking like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? And then in the middle of the show, the girl next to me says something racist to me, right?

It wasn't even fucking funny. I would appreciate a fucking funny joke, but then I got her back quick, you know? And then so the audience is dying, I was saying, Chelsea Handler lately? She looked over and she's like, what's so funny? And then I had just gotten her back. Anyways, you know, it was all about,

it was just such a fucking, I don't know if you've done it, Joey, but it's all, it was a bizarre fucking show, bro. I mean, she fucking, she says jokes that aren't fucking jokes. But then the audience, like they tell them, come on, like laugh. And they'll laugh, man. I'm like, it was surreal. I was sitting there going, is this, what the fuck? What the fuck am I in?

So I remember leaving, man. I couldn't get out of that fucking place fast enough, right? And one of her assistants is holding a basket, you know? Like a gift basket, you know? Hey, what did she say? What? You use your basket. I said, keep it.

She goes, well, what if it has a million dollars? I said, then you're a millionaire. You know, but I just kept going, man. It was, but I'm talking, when we're talking about bullshit and shit that's not funny, do you know what I mean? Who fucking idiots are at home? Giggling, laughing, having a good time? My brother called me.

He's like, dog, I paid 65 dollars to see Chelsea Handler, the show in Jersey. It was the worst thing he had ever seen in his life. They brought more bad comedy to fucking eight o'clock than any other fucking show ever, ever. You know, a lot of those guys, they're gonna fucking die of slow death. They're walking around thinking they're fucking George

Carlin. Once that show goes under in a month, they're gonna be fucking having a hard fucking time because, you know, it's, it's a fucking shame what we put up with people. So you were talking about it. You guys think that, you know, it's funny that I heard me and my wife were driving back from the colonoscopy the other day, and I heard Jodie Wiley.

I remember my love, you know, just some songs. Yeah. And I'm sitting here going, now I understand the music business. There's people that are probably 20 times better than Jodie Wiley. They could sing and could play, but maybe that day they didn't get picked.

And Joe, it's the same thing, man. There's a lot of funny people walking around in Hollywood that nobody knows about. You know, I read an article years ago, Jennifer Anastas said the best theater actors are the best. And they're starving in this fucking, we're not even really actors. They know it.

And that's why I never seen the attitude. If I knew I was a Fugazi, like David Spade, like a Fugazi like that that hasn't said nothing funny in 18 fucking years, when I wake up in the morning, I thank God. I thank God heavy like that. Nobody has figured it out yet. And I'm making another $80,000 this week.

And nothing. There's nothing fucking there, man. It's just a fucking craziness, Lisa. Lisa, what's the matter? You look all depressed. I call you that. No, no, no. I'm sucking you tired.

It's just interesting to listen to. Let me give a shout out to some people here for listening to the show. Now I know it's a late night show. We're talking some shit here tonight. Satya Kase's chef. I know you got fucking laid off today or whatever. Stay in there, cock.

Suck. I love you. So J.K. is chef. Whatever your fucking name is. I want to give some love to Kyva Kyva, Sean Monday, John D Gomez, Frank the Tank, you bad motherfucker, Nate Maya, John Guevara, McNeesey 22, Travis Ryan.

And I don't know the last one. So fuck you. And that's it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. Willie, I'm happy you came on tonight. Hey, man, Joey, thank you for having me, bro. I want to see that special, man.

And I think that thing would be powerful, man. I know the people that were in the audience when I went to go see you and the people that were... The other comics that we're talking about, when you were working it out at the ice house in that stage two, everybody was like, man, he's fucking got it down. He's got it.

So I thought I was going to... That was a testicle testament. And I just had all this written material, and I had to put it out there. Right. And I sold them it for two hours. I liked it when it was just together. Oh, you sold it?

Fuck yeah. You sure? Why not? Oh, that's badass, bro. Why not? You know, it's just something to get out there to. Yeah. And I'm going to put it together, man.

That's great that you talked to me about helping me out. Yeah, man. Because I love to do a one-man show right here in LA to really put them over the fucking top to really... I like doing that shit. Like, we were talking... There's two different styles of comedy for that. You know, I'm doing...

Ari's got that show now, where it's what's happening with stories. And it's popular because it's something different. They take the net off and you just go up there and say what the fuck you got to say. Willie, what's your Twitter? Well, Willie Barsana. At?

At Willie Barsana. At Willie... And what's your Facebook? Yeah, W-I-L-L-I-E. That's the B-S-N-B-A-R-C-E-N-A. And our Facebook is Willie Barsana. Where are you going to be in the next couple of weeks? Man, I know I'm going to be on this tour.

Tommy Teese. I'm going to be at Tommy Teese. I'm going to be in... What else am I going to do? What city? Because Tommy Teese has a lot of... Yeah, the one in Pleasanton. Pleasanton.

I'll be in Pleasanton. I'll be in San Antonio in a couple of weeks. And I'm doing that tour with... It's called Latin Comedy Jam with Mike Gotti. Is the producer. But yeah, just... And then I got my special coming out. I'm excited about that.

And I just got to give a big shout out to the guys that helped me put together my last special. I got Steve Longi, who... I want you to meet him, bro. This guy, he's the real deal. He's no... And this guy, if you look him up, if he looks him up, you can see out the movies he's made

in the last 10 years. And he's actually doing the Sam Kinnison movie right now. They're doing it. And then Matthew Spain, who was the investor, man. Those two cats, a lot of love to them. And we're going to... Now, I'm going to talk to them about you, man, about putting you on a theater down here, man.

You're a beast, bro. You know, a lot of people will eat... What's killing me right now about comedy is... There's a lot of Johnny Come Lately's. And I'm one of them. And one thing I always appreciate about you, we didn't talk about your 13 little person. But one thing that's going on right now is that,

you know, people have a podcast or whatever, or some people aren't popular. So people forget about them. David Tal, Wendy Liebman was on America's Got Talent tonight. They're older comics. You and I. And, you know, people see a comic on Chelsea lately, and they spend money to go see them.

But it's like you tell a lot of these great comics. People just don't go see them anymore, because they think it's not hip. You know, comedy is a scene that you have to be hip for them to go see you. It's not about being funny anymore. It hasn't been about being funny for 20 years about, you know, I want to go see a guy that really makes me laugh. I want to go see a guy that really puts time into his craft.

I really want to go see that. That's a forgotten thing in this country. They'd rather go see a guy with eight minutes than just one last comic standing, because he's popular, because, you know, he dances at the end, or he sings a song at the end of his act. And you're one of those guys, bro, that really, you know, as far as I'm concerned,

they can talk about all these Latin comics. So just, I don't even want to use the word Latin comics. And I'll tell you what, in my book, you're in the top five. In my fucking book. I know hard work, performance, the material, the material is just spectacular. But I sit there and all. So I'm happy.

No, bro, I appreciate you saying that, man. I'm happy that you still do it. And I know you have listeners from all walks of life, man. And I just want to let them know that if, yeah, if they take out my stuff, it's not, it's not one-dimensional, man. I was just in Kentucky a couple of months ago, a few months back at a club called,

man, I forget. I was in Louisville, and it was very, very white, bro. You know what I mean? And I was there talking about maybe got very, very white. And I was talking about maybe there isn't a God. And man, and I got these white people laughing their ass off. And the owner came up to me afterwards and he says,

Willie, if I hadn't seen that, I would never believed it. A Mexican talking to white people from Kentucky, that there isn't a God, you know? Hey, bro, and they were dying, man. There was a good, so what I want to, what I want to say that is to your listeners, man, that, yeah, you know, take out my work. You know, I take out some of my stuff on YouTube,

and you'll see that it's not the old, you know, burrito, low-rider joke, you know? You bet, man. Let me get a read to these sponsors here. We got new sponsors I want to welcome. Let me tell you what happened. I got a call from this guy, and he goes, hey, Joey, I heard you on the podcast when they saying,

you know, we're underwear. Then you go command them. Can I send you some underwear? And I go, absolutely. I swear to God, this is how this went down. He sent me some underwear as they came in a box, like six or seven of them. I put them in a drawer.

They sat there for a month, and one day I was going to Jiu-Jitsu. And every time I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I wear tiny whiteies, and they always creep up, and my nutsack falls out. So I said, I got to eat and get those athletic worms. And I looked, and I go, oh, my God, I got these things. And I put them on, and I got to tell you something. I wear them three times a week. They feel good.

And I asked the guy who was starting to talk to him, and he goes, bro, they called me undies. I'd like for you to talk about them on the podcast. I don't have much fucking Dora and me, but I like to talk. And I go, you know what? Because you sent them, American ingenuity. Right?

And I'll give you a pair of these. They'll fit you a little nice on you. Nice. Your nutsack. When mama comes over with the burritos, you can show you a little fucking camouflage burrito. So, you know, I just want to ask you guys, how old are you? They did a survey.

Do you know that men keep their underwear for seven years? And I started thinking about it. They're right, because I keep mine for the skid marks, the visible. Once the skid marks are too visible, you see three or four? That's why you like dark color. Yeah, like three or four different car crashes. I fucking throw those things away. But the average, you know, and what's woman's reaction

to the fucking study, it's fucking gross. I even think they're fucking gross. Don't embarrass yourselves no more when you drop your drawers. It's time you know about me on these.com, all right? They're fucking comfortable. They fit perfectly. They don't ride up on you. And they literally pull the moisture away from your butt sack

and your nutsack to keep you cool all day long. I got mine on right now. They feel fucking tremendous. I wore one to Jiu Jitsu. I came home, I took a shower, and I put another pair on because I wanted to feel good with them when I did the fucking podcast. And right now, you don't see me squirming.

You don't see none of that shit. Got a mind, they feel good, they're breathing. So here's the thing, they look great. Do me a favor. Go to meonthese.com. Check out the pics of the men underwear and the women's sexy fucking thongs, all right? They're under 20 bucks a fucking pig.

Under 20 bucks so you can buy them every fucking seven years, all right? And in US and Canada, the shipping is free. So do me a favor. Go to meonthese.com slash Joey before September 1st. And I'll give you 20% off your first order. September 1st, 20% off when you go to meonthese.com

before September 1st, all right? Deal. They guarantee you're going to be happy with them. They're going to make your balls feel good, your ass feel good, your wife's going to love you. When you come over later, I'll give you a fucking bet. It's a joke, but I must change mine to wear at least one today

because there's nothing I hate worse than old underwear. Oh, I fucking hate it. And that's why I stopped. I stopped. I can't wear it with jeans. Fees, I tried them on with jeans last weekend. Tremendous. My nuts were in place.

Sometimes when I go on stage, I do two shows. My socks are wet from my night. They smell like nutsack. The nuts sweat goes right down. I can't live like that no more. So I'm wearing underwear. The other people I want to talk about is my main motherfuckers on it.

On it, today I took two of those fucking shroom texts. I went down to Higgins. I tell you what, I did tremendous for an hour and a half. No huffing, no fucking puffing. I rolled one time or two times. I did a bunch of drills. I swept my ass well. But I had fucking endurance and I felt good.

Do me a favor. Go to shroomtech. Go to annett.com. Look at the shroom tech sport. Look at the shroom tech immune. Look at the fucking strong bone. Look at the fucking protein powder. What's it called?

Hep force. Protein powder. Look at the alpha brain. Alpha brain comes with a fucking 100% guarantee. If you don't like them and you don't like them, you don't have to send back the fucking product. One time. Go to annett.com.

Do me a favor. See what they got. I can't give you a deal on the kettlebells and the ropes and all that shit. But I can take care of you on the supplements. Go there today. Go to the box and press. Church.

Church. C-H-U-R-C-H cock suckers. And start your new fucking life today. Also, as Storm was talking about, fucking nutrition and underwear and looking good, naturesbox.com. Nutrition list approved snacks delivered right to your fucking house.

What's that? Right to your fucking house. Sesame sticks. Pistachios. I mean, I got to do another order because I haven't had them in about three weeks. So I'm doing. I'm going to get all the new shit.

Go to natures box. Do me that favor right now. Go over there. See what they got. I guarantee you're going to buy five or six things. Order them. You get 50 fucking percent off your first order and they get delivered to your house or to your office.

What's the code word? Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y fucking naturesbox.com. Nutrition list approved. Healthy. You don't have to eat potato chips out of the fucking thing in the office.

You don't have to have fucking chips all over your desk and peanuts. Jews don't eat peanuts. Number three. NailedItLife.com. The best vapor pen on the fucking market. They write those guys, Dave and my main man, they'll help you out.

What do they got? They got answers. Yeah. If you call them up, they'll give you answers. They got answers. That's what I'm talking about. Customer service is one. You go to naileditlife.com right now.

You order a pen, whatever the fuck they got, you get 20% off your first order. 20% off your first order. What do they put in the box? Just mention Joey Diaz. How's that? Yeah, just mention Joey Diaz. Just mention it.

You fucking savages. What? That's it. So we talked about on it. We talked about naturesbox.com. Tremendous snacks. Fucking price. You get 50% off your first order.

We talked about naileditlife. If you go with them, you get 20% off your first order. And me on these.com. 20% before September 1st. That's how we roll, bitches. You understand me? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? What else?

What else? Do you see the thing about, I forget what country was in, but this Irish girl sucked like 20 dicks in a bar for a free drink. Come on. Yeah, they closed down the bar. How come she never comes into the fucking house?

Ha, for a free fucking day. Oh my goodness. Ha Ha sucks 20 dicks. I met a girl at the coffee store that sucked like 18 dicks. Oh my God. She sucked two or three the first night. Maybe four or five the second night. And then one the last night.

And then she disappeared. She never came back. Jesus. Beautiful girl. Fake tits, glasses, the whole fucking thing. So they're out there, Lee. Yeah. In high school, there was Marathon Woman.

In high school, when I was in high school, again, I always miss all this shit. Yeah, me too. I'm over there. In high school, some sophomore came to a buddy's house and blew 20 guys. Jesus. They all wait in the room drinking beer, listening to music.

And this kid, Jimmy Denny, would play the guitar. And he had long hair, like Jimmy Page, because he was Jimmy for Disgusting Fingers. And he had this chick, like she would just come with it. And he would go, you want to suck Lee's dick? OK. And she'd suck your dick, Lee, without even talking to you. She didn't say much.

I don't know if she was a half a momo. Not a bad looking girl, not fat. Cute girl. But some girls just like to suck dick. Come on. We talk, you talk to a lot about raising your kids right. Having a daughter, you must worry about that, right? What are you going to do?

Cut that fucking mouth off? No, but no. But no. But I mean, sucking dick is one thing. But 20 dicks. 20 dicks, that's somebody who didn't do the work. Right. They didn't do the work.

They didn't sit the daughter down and say, you can't suck 20 dicks, all right? You got to suck one at a time. You want to suck 20 dicks, do it over a month. But all at one night, that's not good for your teeth. That has to do something to your fucking animal, you know? Saying all that disgusting helmet juice. Lee, only you would read about something like that.

That's a trickster. There was a video of it. They blurred out the video. It was like the young Turks or something. But she did it, the bar tricked her. The bar was like, you're going to get a free holiday. And then at the end, they named a drink a holiday. So it ended up being just a drink.

You got to stop reading the fucking computer. I love you guys. Willie, I love you. Thank you very much for coming in, brother. I love you too, cocksucker. Close this motherfucker out, baby. Anything like that, get 10% off your order when you use code word church.

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meundies.com slash Joey, J-O-U-Y, get 20% off of your first order. All right? OK. Thanks. No parking from the door, no small And mama cooked a breakfast with no home I got my girl bone, but didn't dig out

Finally got a call from a girl, I wanna dig out So hooked it up for later as I hit the door Bicking while I live, another 24 I gotta go, cause I got near drop top And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop Had to stop at a red light Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight And everything is alright

I got a beat from Kim, and she can fuck all night Caught up the homies and I'm axing y'all Which part of y'all playing basketball Bleed me on the court and I'm troubled Last week fucked around and got a triple double Freakin' niggas every way like MJ I can't believe today was a good day Drove to the pad and hit the showers

Didn't even get no static from the cowards Cause just yesterday them booze tried to pass me Saw the police and they wore white past me No flexing, didn't even look in the niggas direction As I ran the intersection with the show dog's house They was watching you on TV raps, what's the haps on the crowds Shake em up, shake em up Shake em up, shake em up

Roll em in a circle of niggas and watch me break em With a 7, 7-Eleven, 7-Eleven 7 even backed a little joke I picked up the cash flow Then we played goals and I'm yelling domino Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central And today was a good day Cool

Left my niggas house paid Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck sister 12th grade It's ironic I had the roof, she had the chronic The Lakers beat the Supersonic I felt on the big fat fanny Pulled out the jammy and killed the poor nanny And my dick runs deep So deep, so deep

Put her ass to sleep Woke her up around one She didn't hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun Dropper took a bat and I'm coastin' Took another sip of the potion Hit the three wheel motion I was glad everything had worked out Dropped her ass off and then chunked out

Today was like one of those fly dreams Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams No helicopter lookin' for a murder Two in the morning got the fat burger Even saw the lights of the good year blend And it went Ice Cube's a piff Drunk as hell but no throwin' up Halfway home and my page is still blowin' up

Today I didn't even have to use my AK I gotta say it was a good day Thank you for watching! Don't forget to subscribe!