Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #203 - Joey Diaz, Dennis Hof, Ava and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 12, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Dennis Hof, the owner of the Cathouse from HBO and Girlfriend Ava in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a discount Music:  Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around R.E.M. -Man On The Moon Recorded on 08/11/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And by dollarshaveclub.com, get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. The show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go there for Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, anything like that. Use code word church to get 10% off of your order.

And hello again to hitesigs.com. It's the cigar one right there. If you go to hitesigs.com and you use promo code joey'schurch, you get $4 off of a $20 e-sig. They'll send it right to your house. Talking percentages, you know what I'm saying? Talking percentages? That's right. Well, is that 20% off? Yeah. Okay. 20% off. The Cuban Jew is teaching the flying. That's right. Let's do this. You're Cuban Jew? Just a Cuban with Jewish fucking incentives. I'm a Cuban with a Jew cup, as they used to say in the old days. Oh shit. Monday, August 11th, the day the devil was buried at sea and fucked in the ass and molested. Let's flip the cards on that cock sucker. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We're coming at you late. We ain't fucking around tonight.

We have a legend in the house. Lisa Yats here and Led Zeppelin's here. What? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Eat that fucking monkey. We're getting down tonight by the puppets. Take your slippers off. Out of those balls. Gonna be a good one. Oh shit. I'm like, what? Smoking, toking, licking, flicking, biting. Do what you need to do, motherfuckers. We're here. The church. Oh, what's happening now? Lee, cut that motherfucker. What's going on? You savages out there. We usually go at 6am, but fuck that. We're coming at you later on. We got a tremendous show for you tonight. I hope you guys are doing well at home, Lee. What the fuck? What's up? You don't call. You don't write. You lost 30 pounds. You're at 24 hour

fitness, 22 hours a day. Look at you. I don't even recognize you no more. That's probably because of the green hornet. That's right. You're nice and high. You look slim. Give me a crab. Give it to me. Look at you. You fucking got muskles. You're a savage and shit. We got my main man in the house, Dennis Hoff. Legendary. Legendary. Invented shit. And his beautiful girlfriend, Ava. How are you today, my love of my life? I'm doing great. How are you? We're glad to be here. I'm so fucking ecstatic. You disappointed the bunny ranch so bad. The hookers wanted to do you. When you were in Reno, they wanted you to come out and party with you. You'd have had girls crawling all over you. It's true. Look at the shit. I come in a minute and a half. There's 20 hookers. You know what I'm saying?

I don't want to call them hookers. They have beautiful women. That's why they call them hookers. Well, you know, internally they call each other hookers. It's kind of a term of endearment, but working girls is the correct term. But the working girls wanted to do you. They're fans. I want to do that. And they get it. And I want to eat some ass. You know me, I'll suck your pussy with a straw. I don't give a fuck, Jack. Nice. I don't give a fuck. That's my world. I love eating that ass and that monkey and spanking it. You're coming on your neck. I like all that freaky shit. You're an oral guy. Oh yeah, I love it. I love it. I love 69 and 82. I'll hang you upside down and suck your uterus out. You know what I mean? I'm a freak, Jack.

I'm a Cuban Ava. We don't fuck around. We eat that monkey. There's part of the island that they believe in. They're abaquas. They're gangsters and they don't eat pussy. Can you imagine that? Idiots. They're idiots. They don't eat pussy because they feel that you suck a pussy or suck anything. So these guys, there's a little group of guys in Cuba, they call themselves abaquas. I did not know that. And they can't be in a room with a gay man. They're such men. It's such a little, it's a longshoremen type organization with those slices. They don't know what they're missing. Exactly. They don't know what the fuck they're missing. I mean, Ava can eat a pussy like unbelievable. I'm a pro.

See, that's what we need to eat tonight, Lee. Look at Lee sweating profusiously. All righty. Well, you know what? You tell me, Lee's working hard at the 24-hour fitness. I think we need to get him working out at the Bunny Ranch. We gotta get him up. Oh yeah. Yeah, we have a trainer up there. And we'll get those girls in here. I'll train him. We gotta train him. But here's what I'm thinking. If we get like three or four girls, hotties like Ava, and you can go to BunnyRanch.com and check out Ava. She just shot for Penthouse. She's going to be in Penthouse. But if we had three or four girls and we just kind of led them, got them in tennis shoes, and Joey had to chase them and said,

you're going to get some pussy in about a mile. Can you imagine this guy how fast he'd run? Oh, I can fucking run. Yeah. I was at BunnyRanch 5K. Well, Lee. Lee could, listen for a fucking piece of pussy. Lee likes a little chick with a little meat to it. Now, did you ever live in Cuba? Yes, until I was three. I love Cuba. You've been there? I've been there many, many times. I used to go there a lot. I love it. And I remember the first time I went in there, I was, I went to Cancun and took an old Russian beater, a Cuban airline plane over there. And when I got there, the immigration looked at me and my buddy, and I was with a thug, crazy Glenn, a tough guy. And we went, they took us in this room

and we didn't speak Spanish, just a few words, right? And they want to know why we were there. And we just said, we don't believe our country. We want to see it for ourselves. And so they went, they finally had a huddle they let us in. And they went to stamp our passport, like no, no, because at that time you go to jail. Okay. So they put a piece of paper in it. And then they took the piece of paper to stamp the paper. And then you had that with you. But the Communist dudes, they were following us everywhere. We're downtown. We're doing it. Every time we were with a girl, they'd call them off and say, what are these guys up to? And they were, they were on it. And it was so interesting. And you talk about girls that like to fuck these Cuban girls like to

fuck. They like to get young. The big thing about Cuba is these junkets. Well, it's in Boulder. There was these men that came through and they're like, can you teach a certain Cuban words? We're going to Cuba for food. And then I found out that it's these guys, they had they were millionaires. This is the beginning of the Viagra age. And they would get together and go down and just bang 16 year olds. And they love it. And a couple of them left their wives and brought the fucking chicks back. Yeah, yeah. One guy left his wife, fuck it, take the kids to house the snowmobile. It's over, bitch. Give me that Cuban pussy. Give me that Cuban monkey. I, you know, I, I, I would recommend that everybody go to Cuba. And I think they should see it because it's really the only chance you're

ever going to see to see communism in action and see how fucked up it really is. Because nobody's ever going to North Korea except my buddy Dennis Rodman. And so I think everybody should go to Cuba just to see how it is. And also to see the transition because when, when they, they, when, when the Castro moves out of the place and it changes and becomes what it can be, it's going to be, I think the rest of the islands in the Caribbean suck compared to Cuba. Well, listen, Fidel did a lot of bad things, but he also did a good thing. He kept that beach virgin. You can't put boats in that beach, supposedly when I enter the island. I forget that's why the water is so crystal clear. A lot of people don't remember at home. You'll remember

Jacuzdo 30 years ago went to Cuba and it was beautiful. Jacuzdo did a special about the water, what they have left for algae and the natural plants that we've destroyed here because of the oil and shit in the gasoline and the water. It's amazing. I mean, look at why Castro is doing it though because he's afraid as you put a boat on there, they're all going to get on the boat, get the fuck out of there. But I'd go, I'd go the girls take and they, when they want to go to the beach in Havana, they go to, go to Guanabo. Okay. And, and it costs like seven cents on the bus. And you go to the beach there and there'd be like three or four guys and like four or five hundred hot girls, you know. And it was, it was, I love Cuba. I think Cuba's great. Love the food.

And there's a place down in La Cienega. I'd love to go to that Cuban place. Versailles. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Versailles. They got some good, they got some good. Best chicken. How many times have we been in either hell? Had that chicken. Yeah. The garlic chicken. How's Newark? You know, some real fucking Cuban food. They got some good Cuban food in that area here. Now, how many brothels do you have? Here's what happened. I started partying there in, in 76. Where? At the Bunny Ranch. Okay. Called the Moonlight Ranch. Now, I moved to Reno. I was in the gas station business, had a bunch of gas stations. So, I met a girl, started dating her, and she finally told me the truth. She was a hooker at the Moonlight

Ranch. So, I, she said, I want you to see it. And so, I went out there and saw it. And I said, well, this is kind of cool. It's kind of normal. And it's legal. And so, I was trying to be open-minded about it. And like the second time I went out there, here comes this guy, Andy Kaufman. And his partner, Bob Zamuda, the founder of Comic Relief, who's having a very sad day because Robin Williams killed himself today. And so, I met them. And Andy, they lined up the girls, 28 girls. And Andy couldn't pick a girl. And Bob's like, pick one. Come on, pick, fucking pick one. I'm watching this. He says, no, he says, I, I can't hurt anybody's feelings. I will pick a girl and I will party with her. In fact, I want to pick two girls. And, and I want them to wrestle each other. And, and

then I'll, I'll, whoever wins, I'll have sex with. But I will party with all of you in the next week because I'm playing at Harris, at the lake. And so, I met Kaufman. And, and we became friends and Bob, and I started hanging there a lot. In about 78, Kaufman says, you know what, it's because prostitution worldwide is, is get in, get up, get off, get the fuck out of here. That's just, that's just how it is. Kaufman said, let's buy this place, turn it into our den, and treat everybody like you and I are treated. Me, because I was a boyfriend, Kaufman, because he was a giant celebrity. I mean, at times, Saturday night, live, he was everything. And taxi, it was huge. It was much bigger than sitcom, comic nowadays,

because there wasn't many of them. And so I said, wow. So we started putting our notes together, our ideas together. And I tried to buy it, couldn't get it done. Kaufman died in 84, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, vegetarian, died of cancer. And I kept working and got it in 92, bought it. And I just took the playbook that we came up with and turned it into the most famous place in the world. And, and by using all the things that me and Kaufman put together. So this is the difference between every other brothel you would go to and your brothel? This ain't your daddy's old cat house. This is, this is fun. And I say, shame all your listeners can't look because Ava Adora is unbelievably beautiful.

They're watching, they got cameras. Oh, they're watching? Okay, great. How are you doing? Can she show her tips? Absolutely. Whatever she wants to do. I want to see some titty. Now look at these things, Joey. Look at these. Tremendous. These are large, large Portuguese movies. That's tremendous. They're real. Look at those things.

How long do people stay up there for? Well, girls come in and stay a few weeks or a few months. I mean, some of them for years, like she came up there, she went to Boston University and graduated and she wants to be a doctor with got a bunch of like a whole bunch of school loans, right? Yeah, I have a lot of school loans, a lot of degrees, you know, but I thought that before I take the next step and go on to, you know, go to residency and go to practice, I should save some more money up. So that's why I'm here. And having fun.

Yeah, exactly. And how long do guys usually stay up there for? Well, I mean, it can be as short as 10 minutes. It can be as long as six months. You know, yeah, yeah. We had a guy come in at Christmas a couple of years ago and start partying. And I told the girls, I said, you know what, there's, because I'm always there because I feel like the girls that are working are there on Christmas need a family and we are their family. And so I need to be there.

So it's a time I should be traveling, but I never do. And this guy came in and he's 65, but he was like a hundred. I mean, 65 is not old in this day and age. And but he was like a hundred. And so he sat there and talked to us for a while. And I said, you're going to stay and have dinner with us. He said, okay, I'll do it. And he went to the bathroom.

I told the girls that you get this. This we're going to make sure this guy is the best Christmas he's ever had. All right. And because there's a karma that goes with this and our whole next year will be lucky. The guy started partying and spent $2,400,000. He was there a couple of months and he was generous, giving girls 10,000 a day and this and that. And you don't have to do that.

I mean, you can spend a few hundred or a few thousand, and depending on what you want to do there, who you want to do it with, what you want to drink, and how long you want to be there. And the girls work with the guy's budgets. And this guy dropped $2.4 million. And so two months. Yeah. Two months.

Well, you start, you start giving two, three, four, five girls, five to $10,000 a day. It adds up quick. And he wanted a bunch of girls with him at all times, you know. In fact, he called his mom. Now his mom had to be 85 or 90 and over his speakerphone. And his mom says, honey, are you going to spend all your money there? And all the girls are listening.

He says, probably, you know, just having a good time. That's all it is. That's what it's about. People can be themselves no matter what you, whatever you want to do. If all you want to do is just raise the bar from your relationship with your wife, because you can get a little bit boring after a while, because we all know we've all been there. Not to say that it's the girl's fault.

It's the guy's fault, too. But it gets a little boring. Our guy wants to try some variety. He wants to try a different position. Every man's, every man's fantasy is a threesome. Having two hot chicks. The only thing better than one ava is two avas. And guys come in and they can be what they want.

It's so true. Yeah, and I mean, and it's just the fact that, you know, we keep your secrets. We can, you know, we'll know things about our clients and people who come in that nobody else in their life knows about. Let me give you an example. Let me give you an example. We keep the secrets. So like if Lee came in, okay, and Lee wanted us to pull out the pony cart,

because we have a pony cart that we could put him on with some tennis shoes, naked, and we could strap him to the rails, and then he could pull ava around the parking lot. Actually, what we'd probably, avas got a two foot long horsehair butt plug, and she could put that, and so he could just winnie around the parking lot, hauling ava, and her pretty ass around there. And he'd pay me doing it. And we wouldn't tell anybody. See, that's the beauty of it.

Privacy and discretion. Nobody would know that Lee has a horsey vanish. Never. Now how do you find out your fetish? Like how the fuck do you find out? I like eating pussy. I'll pull your hair. Call you some names.

I don't know. I feel fucking bad. I don't know. I've always had that Catholic guilt. What do you, when I did blow and drank, I was a nasty freak. I'd take my dick out, jerk off on your neck or on your feet, shit like that. But I never really got crazy, like somebody dressing up and whipping me. I don't understand that.

Well, and different strokes for different folks. Like I'm the same way. When I'm with a girl, I want her to have many orgasms. Because I want to feel like a hero. I want to eat pussy. I want to fuck. I want to try a few different positions. I'd rather have the girl on top, cowgirl, or maybe reverse cowgirl.

You know, I can slap her butt a little bit. What's she doing there? And I'm a pretty simple guy. But every day somebody comes in there. We had a guy just recently, an Ava saw this guy. She was a part of this. The guy comes in and rings the bell. And I looked at the monitor and he looked like my PE coach.

Like a 6'1 buff, tough guy, right? Blonde, flat top. And he comes in, but he's wearing a nun's outfit smoking a cigarette. And I'm like, yeah, this is going to be a good day. And so he comes in and the girls line up and they pick a girl. And he says, oh no, no, no, I want to be a girl. And Ava is so smart. She says to him, good, I handle the applications, come with me.

So she takes him to the office and says, we need an application. She wants to go to work for us. And it's a $300 application fee. And so then she fills out the application and takes the guy to Madam Suzette and say this nun would like to work here. And so Suzette interviews her and they hire her. And Suzette, we got to do something about wardrobe here. And so Ava took him to the office and said, it's $200 for the wardrobe fee.

And so they got him in there and shaved his legs and did all the things that they did. Put him in thigh highs. He looked like Vince Neil with a long blonde wig, like Vince Neil's ugly sister. Okay. And Vince, by the way, Vince comes to the ranch. He was there a couple of weeks ago from Motley Crue was in town. And so then Ava puts her at the bar and says, we'll start working. And then it's like a little while later, say, hey,

you can't just sit here and look pretty around here. You got to work, get in the lineup. So the guy, she had the guys get in the lineup. Okay. And that was fun, wasn't it? It was so much fun. And he left very happy, you know, that that's the kind of experience he was looking. Wait a minute.

He did get fired. I mean, you took her to the office and told Suzette, you didn't think she was going to work out. And Suzette fired her. That's hysterical. Yeah. But you know what? He was who he wanted to be for that moment.

Exactly. And we all, we all are going to have those kinks at different times. And just like, like Lee and his pony fetish. I mean, who would know? Who would know? No one understands Joey. No, nobody gets it. Now let me ask you this.

Describe what it, because you were talking about a man from A to Z. What happens? I knock on the door. Who greets me? Wow. Who's going to greet you as one of our staff members? You're going to have your choice. But we call it the Doho.

Yes, our door whore. And she's going to ask you if you, if you have an appointment, if you know who you want to see, if you'd want to line up, if you just want to go to the bar and from there, if you choose to have a lineup, all the girls who are working on shift come out and we, you know, meet and greet. Just like at a, you know, a rock and roll concert. Hi, I'm Ava.

Hi, I'm Emily. Hi, I'm Da Da Da. No, let's say I want to go to the bar and just hang out for now. Right. Then it becomes the best singles bar in the entire world. You know, then it's our job as working girls to come up to you and you, and we'll talk to you for five minutes. And we, you know, we're all, we have to let the all every girl talk to you

until you choose who you want to go. So I'll choose a girl. And if you never choose a girl, that's fine. As long as you have a good time. Because we're different than other brothels around the world because they don't want guys to do that. I want them to do that because I know the guy's going to go back and brag to his friends that he fucked Ava in 10 different positions and all that.

And then the friends are going to go to bunny ranch.com. They're going to look at it. And one of his friends are going to come up and see her. Because it's, it's, because that's, that's the way men are. We want to brag about our conquests and all that. So we just come in and have a good time. You, you want to, you want to party? We call sex partying.

Whether it's the pony cart, the guy, the nun with the cigarette. Or just snuggling. Oral, it's a hand job, snuggling, whatever. It's a party. That's what we call it. And because that's a term we can use on O'Reilly and Hannity and The View and things like that. So they do that and guys hang around there and some party, some don't.

As long as everybody goes away having fun, that's all we care about. And then if they want to party, of course the girls, it's their job to entice you to go to the room. And then there's, there's a menu. In fact, pull out, pull out a menu here. We've got a menu that we, we can, that the girls use to, to create more than just the missionary experience. And you got another one?

Okay. And just then the, then the missionary experience. And so there's, there's a, ask Ava if, if you're confused about any of the items, menu items, Ava can explain it to you. Unbelievable to go orders, military discount, two girl party. And how many girls are there at one time? Well, there's always 30. There's always 30.

But now in northern Nevada between Reno and Lake Tahoe, there's only four brothels. I own all of them. So we have like a hundred girls working at all times in the different brothels. The, the Bunny Ranch is the flagship. It's the most well known because of the HBO cat house series. And everybody, everybody knows about the Bunny Ranch. You'd have to be living under a rock.

Yeah. Not to her. Now Lee, Lee knew about us when he was 14. Yeah, yeah. I was asking you when I came, when I came on, he said 2004, right? Two. 2002. So yeah.

So I was like 14, 16. And we didn't have HBO at the house. So when we go on vacation, my brother and I would get our own room and the HBO would send stuff to the hotel, something like this, like saying what's going to be on HBO. And if real sex or the Bunny Ranch was on, it was a good night because that was like the first, almost first experience to porn. Would your head almost fucking blow up when you're watching the naked women and shit?

There was a girl, I remember the only thing I remember like a girl who dressed up like she was in the Air Force. Air Force Amy. Air Force Amy. The machine. She's still working. She is the Michael Jordan of sex. It's true.

And wherever, wherever you're at sexually, she's going to take you up a couple notches if you want to. I mean, she can be sweet and loving and caring and all that, but she can also, she'll take you up wherever you think you're at. We all, we all think that we're kinkier than we really are. And every day somebody trumps me. Every day. I mean, you get guys come in there, one guy that wanted to be trampled.

He wanted 12 girls to trample him, some in tennis shoes, some in flats, some in spikes, some in boots. Some in stilettos. You know, like to the face and stuff. Yeah, he wanted to be walked on. He really wanted it. And that was his deal. And the girls told me his dick got hard as Chinese arithmetic

when they were walking on him. Right. And we get girls, the guys that want to be other feminine best and get dressed up. We had an MMA guy in there with Brooke ones, and it actually broke some handcuffs. And he wanted her to go out to his truck and get a two by four. And I'm like, no, that's where we draw the line. No two by fours.

No fucking two by fours. We're not going for that. So, but the point is you can be who you want to be while you're there without anybody judging you. You want to, you want to wear a skirt. You want to be silly. You want a dog collar. You know, Eva had a guy a couple of weeks ago.

She had on a dog collar and a little writing crap and walking him through the parlor. And he loved it. And so, I mean, he really got off on that, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He, he picked his dog name. You know, he didn't want to be able to use the restroom and doors.

He was very, very serious about this. What was his dog name? It was Lofi. I don't know where he came from. Lofi? Yeah. I got a confession to make. Yeah.

Like, I just joined Jiu Jitsu. And it's very hard for me. I've been there for 15 months, but I always was kind of athletic. Like, I played basketball and football in high school. And I went to karate for how very flexible. And I just want to do something different. But I had an aptitude for it. You know, I do not have an aptitude for cars.

Like, if my car gets a flat, I'll fucking leave that motherfucker there and go buy a new one and report it stolen. When it comes to all changes and shit like that. State Farm, did you hear that? I am, I have no aptitude for sex. Even as a young, what happened to me was when I was about 17, we were hanging out with these guys one night and they go, it's Pedro Obreon's birthday party.

And at that time I had fucked and ate some ass and shit. Like, no, I ain't pussy. Nobody had ever sucked my dick. I was very prude. And I went into this place, into the city. It was called the 1040 Club. This is back in New York City. We're going 1981.

And basically it was on the auditorium on the west side where it cost $9.99 to be with a girl plus tax, $10.40. So it was called the 1040 Club. You paid $10.40 since they gave you a ticket. You went in. This was something that I, till this day, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I went home and was like almost done with sex.

Oh my goodness. And some people have those bad experiences and that's why we're there. We're there. A lot of the girls are into training and teaching people and being, but that was trick and trick. I know that. I know that.

You know, no, you know. I know the place. Episode's 1040. Oh my God. This was a fuck. What happened to you? So this was 200 men drunk, smelling of cologne. Hey, what's up?

I get my dick sucked every night. Well, why are you here then? You know, those type of guys, 200. There were no girls there. They open up a door and they start pushing out girls. This is like human trafficking. They push them out. You got to grab them.

You got to drag them to the guy, give them a ticket. Then they take it to this back room. That's like a fucking Vietnam tent with petitions. And the little, a little bed that, that the ones that open up when your grandmother comes over and you open it up and you go to a hotel, a cot. And they would wash your dick. This is 1981.

They would take your dick out, a bucket. It's a, it's a fast house. Oh my God. This was something that, and I was petrified. And she washed my dick. She put a condom on and I was like having an anxiety attack. Well, at that point, I was in to a deal. She got on top of me.

This lady took off her stockings. It looked like she had been stabbed and dragged by a fucking car. It was just a fucking horror show. And I'm on the bottom. I believe the love. I believe that, you know, there were flowers and shit. Why? I don't fucking know.

I used to dry up Vicki to earth-winded fire when I was in the sixth grade and suck a little fucking dick. And all of a sudden, I got this woman on top of me bouncing and I could hear the condom. I can't calm my dick. And I'm about to fucking puke. And all of a sudden she stops and she goes, for an extra $10, you can go down on me.

And I took her fucking hip and I go, you got to go. And I left my friends. I left my friends. I fucking took a bus over New York City. You were number 36 for the day for her. I was mummified. Like I was 17, I was mummified. And we want to have sex after that for a while.

And this gal, this is such an amazing day for her. I know this gal. Not the one you party with. I know the gal. She's been in prison like 25 times. She's in, right now she's gone. And I did an undercover thing for ABC News. And so I was looking for sex trafficking of underage girls.

So I went to different places over in, not the Bronx. What's the other one? Roosevelt Street. Brooklyn, Queens. Queens. And so I found a place over there where they had these 13 and 14 year old girls. And it was disgusting.

But that's what I was looking for. So I found this place and I went in there. And she had like four girls and it's like you say she is. But she wasn't doing anything wrong. It's all illegal. And when it's illegal, it means there's drugs. It means there's disease. It's just terrible.

It's like anybody that wants to play Russian roulette, go to backpage.com and pick a girl off there. You're going to get arrested. You're going to get robbed. You're going to get a disease. Something bad is going to happen. So I did this and I ended up that night at the comedy cellar because I run around with comics because all I want to do is laugh,

come and have a burger once in a while. That's all I want to do. And so I'm down there with my buddies, Jim Norton. And Rich Voss and Colin Quinn and all the guys, right? And so I started telling this story about this place. And Colin's like, tennis. Was that called episodes 1040? I said, yep.

Because I went there for like 40 years. I go, okay. It was like the place everybody went. But yeah, but our place is different. It's like dating. It's really like dating. We're like the opposite of that. That sounds like a horror show.

It is. But that's terrifying. When you make something illegal. Well, exactly, yeah. This is the same thing as Al Capone and the gangsters during prohibition. Who made the money? The gangsters made the money. The politicians, they got paid to look the other way.

Made the money. When you make it legal, then it brings incredible people like myself with nice girls. I mean, you'd never see a girl like Ava working in this toilet you're talking about. And that's the difference. This is why we have to legalize this business to stop the sex trafficking

and giving young guys like you a terrible experience. Oh my god. It was, and I never recovered sexually. I can be honest with everybody here. We got to change this. We got to recover sexually. We got to get you up there. I'm very, ugh.

We can fix that. We can help you. Stop me over completely, Lisa. You never know. When you're around nice people and the girls are having fun. They want to be there. Yeah, they want to be there. And they're just, you're going to attract guys.

Girls like funny guys. It's just, that's it. Bunny and nice. I tell guys, my buddies want to come up there and say, well, what do we do? How do we do? So here's what you do. First of all, you'd be clean and you'd be respectful

and you have a good time. Girls want to laugh. When a girl's laughing, you're close to her pussy. Okay. And in this case, because you're paying for it, the quality of the party is going to go up. The price is going to go down. But they love comics.

They love to laugh. They love to giggle and have a good time. We're going to fix you. No, I got to get fixed. This is at least my last fucking 10 years of existence. But yeah, I was talking about, you talked about martial arts. I was talking about that last night. My buddy, I was at the rainbow with Uncle Hal over here

and Chuck Zito. And we were sitting around talking about that. And Chuck is doing that jujitsu. And Chuck's a boxer. Yes. And you know. He was at Metamorris this weekend. It was a tournament.

And I saw he was there with the guy I studied with Higa Machado. Really? And it's amazing that I got it. I never, I hate fucking men's feet. All right. The last thing I ever want is a man's ass in my face. I'm fucking old school. I don't want to get nuts by my face.

I don't give a fuck. That's why they invented guns. Do you understand exactly? They invented machine guns, so there's no jujitsu. But I wanted something different. And when I came from Cuba, my mother signed me up in karate. I've been punching and kicking. And then when I lost 100 pounds, I punched and kicked.

And I was done. And there was a jujitsu school. It was cheap. And I said, let me go in there. The first day I walked in there, my face was, that fucking red was nothing compared to what my face was. I have sleep apnea. I'm 100 pounds overweight.

Let me tell you something now. If I'm not doing it, I'm at home watching videos of it. Really? I'm getting surgery on my knee just so I can get to the next fucking level. That's how much I like it. Because I know if I do that three days a week, I will lose 150 pounds. You'll feel great. Even if I just get one egg a day for breakfast,

if I keep it normal, I will lose it. It's that much. Here's the trick. I was at the Playboy mansion getting a picture taken with a fan. And a drunk girl ran from behind me, leaped up. I heard her call my name. I turned my head, arms around my neck, legs around my waist, and pulled me down and blew my knee out.

I had to have a full knee replacement. So I went to Mayo, the best place in the world, Mayo Clinic in Rochester. What do we do? We said, well, you've got to get a knee replacement. But if you want to increase the chance of success, you've got to get the weight off and build your quads. And so the trick was, no starches, no sugars, no soda pops,

and guess what? The weight falls off you. Falls off you. Falls off you. If you just don't eat starches, starches are the killer. They're killing America. They're inflaming everything. And the pain went way down on my knee

when I got those starches out of my system because you didn't have the information. And so I lost 73 pounds by doing what we're talking about. And so those of you guys listening, if you wanted to take off some weight, stop the fucking starches, stop the sugars, and stop the soda pops. And guess what?

The weight falls off you. Well, let me ask you this. Just not to get off the subject. Robin Williams. Oh my goodness. What the fuck happened to him? I love Robin. And you know what?

And I got to tell you, I've been around him all. Robin's my favorite. And Robin's my favorite. And he's a great guy. He's a fun guy. And I can't imagine with all the success that he's had with comic relief and all the movies turned into a big movie star.

What the fuck? Now, I just called Bob Zamuda, founder of Comic Relief, my dear friend. And because people are calling me saying, we want Bob on CNN. We want him on a Today Show. So I know all these people. So they're calling me and I'm hooking them up with Bob.

I can't imagine what it would take to want to affixiate a guy that's got the world by the ass. It's not money. He's got the fame. Everybody likes like Robin Williams. I don't get it. It's mental illness. You know, and it's the whole concept of being

the tears of a cloud. You know, the funniest guy in the room has usually been the saddest guy in the room at one point. And he's always been depressed. Like he's always battled depression. It's just Robin Williams. Yes, that's what I'm talking about today. They said that I know he checked into a rehab

about two years ago. And he was just there this summer, actually, for drugs. I was reading that. Something was going on that we didn't know about. He had a CBS show or NBC and they canceled it. And they said the show wasn't bad. So I assume that either his salary was too high

for network television or, look, something was up. They wouldn't just get rid of this Robin Williams show if it wasn't something. My favorite story with Robin, because I've been around him because of Bob Zamuda, I've been around him. And this goes back a long ways. So Kaufman plays Carnegie Hall.

And he comes out and he gives this heartfelt speech about how his dream was to always, when he was a kid, that he would play at Carnegie Hall. And nobody believed him except his grandma. And I want my grandma to be here with me. So grandma comes out and everybody standing ovation for grandma. She's the one that believed in him.

He says, and I want grandma to be comfortable. So we flew her couch out and bring the couch out. And grandma's crying. Oh, my God, it's a wonderful moment. Her grandson is at Carnegie Hall. And so throughout the show, he would reference her. And he said, grandma, how are we doing? And all that.

So at the end of the show, he says, I'd like to have my, the reason I'm here is because my grandma believed in me. I'd like, grandma, would you stand up and take a bow? So grandma stood up, the whole place standing ovation. Grandma grabs her wig, pulls it off, pulls off the mask, and it's Robin Williams. Fucking amazing. Yeah.

So I don't know, but I think, even if you're right, if it's mental illness, it's a terrible thing with all these shootings and all this craziness, and that we can't, as advanced as our country is, that we can't get this mental illness thing under control. Because what a lost humanity Robin Williams is. Exactly. Listen, man, as a comedian, you go to these weird places.

You know, we all do. You have a self-doubt. You have all these things. So who knows what could have happened? I mean, growing up, it was just some dark places. I never thought about icing myself. I don't know why. I always thought I would be lying to someone.

You never know. I mean, we had something happen this last year. We did a promotion with a jackass, a bad grandpa, OK? Month-long promotion with Howard Stern. And grandsons and granddaughters would have to call in and say why their grandpa should get to go to the bunny ranch, a free trip to the bunny ranch. Got it down to three.

The grandsons and granddaughters brought their grandpas into Stern's studio. I'm there with a couple of our girls, Kressa Kisses, Rain Riches. And so they're interviewing them and Robin's crying because one guy had cancer and she's had her cancer thing. And Howard's like, these guys are nice as my fucking dad. I love these guys.

And so it was sad that only one person won. So then the girls are like, daddy, daddy, we want all of them to come. And I'm like, well, what are you going to do for me? And yeah, Howard says, yeah, what are you going to do for him if all the grandpas come? And Howard says a threesome. And so we did that last night, Howard.

What? Oh yeah, we already did that. And so it was great. So anyway, the first grandpa comes there, flies in, we get him there, gets in the limo. He comes to the ranch, 86 years old, grandpa Johnny. He met all the girls at our party, our weekly tea party. And now it's time to party.

You know what? I want to go have a steak. And so he goes to a casino, a Harvey's casino, in a sage room, amazing restaurant, has two bites of a prime rib and dies in the restaurant. Chokes on a steak. Chokes on a piece of prime rib. Okay?

The grandson is a Parks and Rec professional, knows Heimlich, knows CPR, can't get him. The security team at the casino can't get him back. The paramedics work on him for 45 minutes, done, done deal. So you just, you never know. So that's why you want to have fun every day of your life. If you think you want to do something, don't hesitate.

Do it. You do it. Yep. I live by the same. Fuck it. You got to go for it. Because you never know. I've had a lot.

You know, every morning when I wake up, I have a couple pictures of friends of mine that died when we were in like in high school, another one from Graham's school. I still talk to the family. But every time I have a doubt about something, I look at that fucking picture. You know, I'm Cuban.

I always think about when I'm eating the sandwich, and I'm like, right now my family's eating an egg six ways. Yep. To eat a fucking egg. Six of them. We're looking at an egg going, okay? Let's chop it up six ways. You could dope it up with water and shit,

but it's still fucking good. I love Cuban sandwiches. Oh my God. Is there a good place in town that get them besides for side? They're only open till eight o'clock. Up in Burbank, right down the block, Porto's fucking trip. Maybe we can go to Mario, Daddy.

Pat's all fucking day. I love it. Pat. We're going to go. The guy's a Cuban guy that opened one in Glendale, and there's no Cubans eating it. It's all Armenian. He's got a Cuban bakery,

so now he popped one, and Lee was just there. They got a cake for his in-laws. Oh, Porto. Oh, yeah. Fucking tremendous. They don't play games. You stand best time of the day, and it goes 10-45. For the rush.

There's nobody there. There's nobody there. Yep. Well, I'll take my little bitch, Ron Jeremy, because she can eat. She could eat it. Oh, she can fucking eat this one. Take me, Johnny.

I only see Ron Jeremy. Of course you're going. The Cubans stories are seeing or walking into the bank. You catch Ron walking into the bank? He goes to Bank of America on Sunset. Two blocks east of the Laugh Factory. There you go, off of Fairfax. Yeah.

He's coming there with his little fucking car, and going in a little bag of singles and shit and 20s. That car, that is the only car in America that's never been washed. Never washed that car. That car is ridiculous. That's what holds the car together is the dirt. You really have to love the mystique of Ron Jeremy.

Oh, he's just a walking cartoon character. It's not a fucking... Weanest thing in the world. Can you imagine God, Mother Nature, whoever puts all this together? Okay, let's build a little hairy Jew today. Let's just make her disheveled. I want her to be about 60 pounds overweight.

That's what I'm kind of thinking. We'll get her a good education. Just to give her a chance, let's put a 10-inch cock on her. You know, because that's... Can you imagine that? That's Ron Jeremy. Somebody's sitting up there smoking a fat one saying, now let's do something fun today.

Put this deal together. And the mystique, no matter where the fuck he goes, somebody runs up to him. That walks, but sprints up to him and says, can I have an autograph? You know, people come to fucking California from Ohio, or Indiana, or Iowa, whatever the fuck they're coming from, and they go to Hollywood Boulevard.

Think about this, and they walk around, and they're looking for Brad Pitt, Angela, and Joey. And one night, they end up going to Saab Bagel Place, whatever, and you see Ron Jeremy. Every fucking guy is going to go back to work when his wife's not around and go, because the guys, he's like fucking the president. He's like the fucking president.

This is our fear. If you're a fucking freak, and you like to fuck, this is your fearless leader. This is one of the first guys you really caught fucking and sucking and coming on somebody's fucking place. You're fearless leader. This is your fearless leader. This is the fucking leader of the free world,

if you want to fucking suck. If you're 40 and under, you learn how to do something from Ron fucking Jeremy, unless you are fucking molested. But you learn how to do something from fucking Jeremy. What are your moves you learn from Ron? What the fuck? You learn something, because I, again, because of my sexual dysfunction as a young man,

We're going to fix that. I did not like the other shit that went, you know, when I was a kid again, you find your father's real real. They ate millimetre. You're too young for that. Oh yeah. You know, and in those days, you ordered one,

and they sent you the projector in the mail. You ordered three films. So they didn't have magazines? They had magazines, but I remember in New York City, the funniest magazine they had was, they had a Puerto Rican magazine called Pica Pica. It was Puerto Rican chicks. And they had big asses that was black and white,

but they covered their faces hysterical, hysterical of them. They would cover their faces. It's like putting a paper bag on someone's head, or saying, this is terrible. Everybody had the magazines, but I was... You know, let me tell you one of my mentors. My mentors are Andy Kaufman. Right. Oh my God.

The master of the goof. And I goof on the world. I'm always using television. You are a walking fucking goof. I can't believe this. I fuck with everything. I mean, Obama goes to Columbia. The guys get caught with the hookers,

and I'm doing a press release an hour later saying, I'm concerned about the welfare of our president, but the bigger thing is these Secret Service guys need to buy American booty. They need to buy at the Bunny Ranch. Buy America. If there's an angle out there, Donald Sterling gets himself in trouble. I get a few of my buddies from the NBA contact me,

and I banned this guy six hours before the NBA did. Lifetime ban from the Bunny Ranch. Took him up my birthday list. And so we're always looking for the angle. And there's some great ones out there to just make it all fun. Because all I want the world to do is know about the Bunny Ranch. Because the best customer and the best working girl doesn't even know the Bunny Ranch exists.

And so it's my job to tell the world. And then beautiful girls like Ava take care of their clients one cock at a time. Ava, let me ask you this. Yes, sir. I come in there, and I'm not disrespecting you. I come in there. I got 10,000 dollars, and I don't want to fuck. I don't want to know.

I just want to eat somebody's fucking pussy until their head pops out. What happens? How do I know this is USDA fresh meat? I'm not going to get a third tongue on Thursday. I'm going to blister or something like that. I mean, I'm going deep into the murky waters of your asshole and your pussy. When I fuck them, I don't want you to suck my dick. Nothing.

I just want to eat pussy. What happens? Well, in order to be a working girl at the Bunny Ranch, people think that you walk in, if you're hot, you put you on the floor, and that's that. It's very opposite. We can't have a felony or anything on our criminal record for the last five years. We get tested every week for every STD under the sun. We pass a rigorous application process that Madame Suzette and Dennis put on.

1,000 girls hit the button a month, and there's 30 rooms. 1,000 girls a month want to go to work. And we hire, you know, like 20. The best of the best? Girls rotate, correct? You have some women that go, we'll see you next September. You said there was about 500 or so? About 540 girls now it takes to keep 120 working at all times.

And you have the four clubs, 30 girls. In northern Nevada I have four, and southern Nevada I have three. So those smaller clubs, and their work's in progress, but they're outside of Vegas, like an hour outside of Vegas. But as far as cleanliness, there's just no problems. At all. I mean, these girls are tested. But a girl wouldn't run on gold.

This fucking overweight guy wants to eat my pussy until the hand comes out. Oh no, she gets fired. They'd be putting cherries on there. They'd be putting whipped cream, crunchies. Like, what do you like on your punani today? And you can make a sundae out of these girls. And the beauty of that too, especially for married guys, is eating ain't cheating. That's not cheating.

Damn! You didn't know that, did you? And the other thing is, Nevada law, and not a lot of people know this. I need the listeners to understand it. When you walk through the gates of the bunny ranch, your marriage is annulled for the period of time you're inside. For as long as you negotiate. Yeah, for as long as you're inside the ranch.

You're annulled. So there's no guilt. You and your Catholic guilt thing, we gotta watch you. You need to make an app so you can show this to your girlfriend like, no, this is where he said there's a law. And then he was like, explain it. Because like, if we try to explain it. Well, people should know too, you know, that we bill discreetly,

so that if your wife or your girlfriend does, you know, check your finances, or you guys have a joint account, she, it doesn't say, you know, bunny ranch hookers, thousand dollars for annulled, you know, or whatever it may be, like on there. I'm going to give you a VIP comp, which means ass pass, booty pass. And I want you to have it in your pocket. It's kind of like having a triple A card. Do you have triple A?

Yes. Okay. And you don't use it very often, but you got the card with you, right? It's the same way. In the case there's an emergency, in case your wife doesn't want to do some dirty, disgusting thing that you want to do that day, you've got it for emergency purpose to pull it out and say, well, honey, that's okay.

But I can go, I can go use this. Dennis gave me this ass pass and I can go use that. Would you rather have me do that? You wait, you wait how fast she wants to get naked. That solves that whole problem, believe me. That is just amazing. Joey's getting an ass pass. Now let me ask you something.

Now you have girlfriends, you were married at one time, right? Out at this fly at home. It didn't, obviously. Well, I got married, and you know, Chuck Zito and I were talking about this. You know, we're, I know Chuck pretty well, but we never talk about really personal things, right? Excuse me. So Chuck, like me, got married when he was 17. And because I got married young, I had a lot of responsibility.

And so all I did, all I did was work, go to school, and fuck. I mean, that's all I did because I didn't have the money to do anything. So I never got into drugs, never got into alcohol. I don't drink, don't smoke except a cigar and never did any drugs. I just, I just want sex and throw me a cube of sandwich and I'm happy, right? So that's it. And Chuck and I ran that same parallel because he doesn't drink. I mean, what a, what a crazy thing that a hell's angel doesn't get into drugs

because that's what they're known for, right? But he's, he never got into anything. He's just straight as can be. And so am I. So, you know, all I want to do is have sex. I want to, I want to laugh. And like, I'd love hanging out with comedians because comedians, first of all, they're all fucking sick, okay?

And that fits right into my world. And they want to laugh. So laughing, coming, and having a little food once in a while. And I'm a happy guy. And I think you'd agree with that, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now you would date in Heidi Fleiss for a while. This is old news. How long were you involved with Heidi? Heidi and I were old fuck buddies. Right, you were, you were fuck buddies. We're never like boyfriend, girlfriend. But we secretly would get together and fool around. And then we, we, we got caught by some paparazzi and, and ended up going to New York

to try to clean it up a little bit and say, we're just friends and all that. And so we did Fox and we did the Today Show and we did Sean Hannity show and just all these things. So we're on Howard Stern and, and the, she said the greatest line because Howard's like, okay, how long is this going on? This is the Cat House King, the brothel baron. You're the Hollywood man. You went to a penitentiary for prostitution. She's, what the hell is your sex life like?

And Heidi thought for a second, she says, Howard, when he's done with me, I don't know whether to ask him to marry me or call 911 on him. And then every time I see Howard, he says, anybody called 911 on you? He never forgot that line, right? But Heidi's, I love Heidi and, and I'm always bailing her out at some, some little jam because she's always getting, but Heidi's the greatest. She's, she's wonderful. She's fun and I'm, I'm, I'm honored to say she's my friend.

She's of course fighting the demons with, with drugs. And she's so unique because this is a chick that never, not one time in her life has ever been in a fast food restaurant. Nobody can say that, nobody I know can say that. She has never been in a fast food restaurant. And she eats twigs and nuts and pistachios. I was, I was driving over here from Vegas and I had a, a bag of natural almonds, unsalted almonds.

I took a picture of it and oh my God, you'd have thought I'd bought her a car. Oh, that's so fucking cool, Dennis. Oh my God, I'm so proud of you because I've eaten the unsalted almonds in the car, right? And but then, but then she has her thing with drugs. And it just, it just, it's really unbelievable. And she's okay now, but she's, I'm not putting any secret out there that people don't know. I mean, she's been on celebrity rehab and she's done a lot of things, but you would love, I'll get her in here someday.

We'll have some fun with her. She's the greatest. You know, I'm a fan of hers from celebrity rehab. I couldn't believe she was involved with Tom Sizemore and I got it. I got it. You know, Tom was a great actor for a long time and he fucking just, and it's amazing how we all go through our bouts with that shit. You're very fortunate.

Never Lee has never, you know, Lee smoked when we met. Now we smoke cash. And I give him edibles. Yeah. And then I gave him chocolate covered mushrooms at the comedy store. We even told the people that, yes. Okay. So you just gave me stuff.

You just gave me this to take it and I put it in my mouth. I said, what was that? It doesn't taste like weed. And you're like, it's mushrooms. And I've never done mushrooms before. Oh, that's me. That was tremendous though. Chocolate mushrooms.

I didn't take enough, I don't think. Because he, in his defense, he didn't give me like a small piece. No, I was looking at it. I don't want you to freak out. Now how long have you smoked, Joey? Since I was 14. You started smoking when you were 14. Weed.

No cigarettes till I moved to Los Angeles. I always, my mother had a bar. We had a Cuban bar in Union City, New Jersey. It was the second biggest Cuban community in the country. From 1950 on, because of the embroidery business in New Jersey. So when you landed in Miami, there was billboards that said, the land of opportunity, Union City, New Jersey. So I needed an escape go like by 53.

And my father became like the first Cuban committee man. He owned a sandwich shop called The OK Restaurant by Washington School on 38th and New York Avenue. Did you have Cuban sandwiches? Yeah, the Cubans ran from 7th Street to 48th. About four blocks over from Bergen Lane Avenue. That was all Cuban. We hawking Jersey City, but the Cubans.

So my mom had a bar there. It was a successful bar. And for some reason, I just never liked the booze. I just watched people early age. You know, I used to dip my pacifier blackberry brandy and shit like that. But I got, I stole a bottle of wine when I was like three, four. And I drank something. But I ended up in a closet or just something.

My mom called the cops and they found me in the diaper shit. Shit all over me and puke. So it stayed with me. And I'll tell you what, when I go out at night, I swear to God, every time I go out, I go tonight, I'm going to have a cocktail. There's nothing that tastes better than a fucking margarita. Not to get drunk just for the flavor. Yeah.

You know, sometimes I go to Rudy's Jersey to eat the fried squid, the calamara. And I got a honey can on top. It's delicious. I just don't like drinking to get fucking hammered. It doesn't make me. It's nothing that I'm against. How keys and I don't like that. I just don't drink because I don't like the flavor.

I love to do a shot of Jager with you. If I drink, my friend said to me, how many describe on one hand, how many times you drink it? I'll drink three drinks a year. Two of those would be shots and maybe a cocktail and to go off the deep end or something like that. And you know, I just never got into it. Like if we were out and somebody wanted to order a bottle of wine,

I'd have like a third of a glass and I'd act like I'm having a big good time with it, you know. And but it's about the taste. If they come up with something that makes liquor taste like something from Dairy Queen. Oh fuck. Guess what? I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, me too. I know.

Well, they do that in LA. They have a burger place down in Hollywood that has alcoholic milkshakes. Really? Yeah. It's on Sunset. Yeah. Oh, Red Robin. They've had fucking milkshakes for years.

Really? The Coco Loco. When I was in college, I drank Coco Loco's every night. I went from one fucking 85 to 210. I kept saying, what's swelling me up? The fucking and my girl at the time said, you drink 10 Coco Loco's at night. You sure you're gonna fucking that milk? Milk, Kahlua, everything with sugar.

Oh my God. And I do a couple of bumps of fucking blow. I was on the blow for 20 years. That killed me. That killed me. But didn't that keep your weight down? Could you maintain weight on the blow? Listen, the fattest people I've seen are the biggest cocaine snorts.

I don't know what the fuck they do with this. Well, you're right. I've been looking for a machine. The crack burns the, I think the smoke and the sweat and jumping up and down and chasing people burns a lot of fat when you do crack. When you do blow, when you're trying to get your dick sucked and you're an evil fuck. It's amazing. It's amazing.

The only thing I ever really saw good about cocaine was it was in the 80s. It was amazing bitch bait. Oh my God. If you had the coke, you had the pussy. Oh my God. All you had to do was come out of a bathroom and go, and everybody would look at you. It was like that.

People don't remember, you know, I tried to describe it to people that the cocaine marketing was the most brilliant marketing in the world because for years we paid nickel banks, heroin was three dollars, reefer was whatever, hits of acid were three dollars. All of a sudden these Spanish people that were five foot six, shut up at this white magical powder that they wanted a hundred a gram for. That's it. Nobody sold half a grams. Nobody sold nothing in 1970.

It was grams of blow for a hundred dollars a fucking gram. And as soon as people bought that, it wasn't about the drug. It was about the raising class. You were somebody else. That's how they sold cocaine. It's like buying a bottle of Dom Perignon. That's it. You're exactly right.

I never thought about that. That was the marketing scheme for cocaine. Forget about getting high. We're going to make you that person. You're going to mingle with celebrities. When you come out and go, Aspen, the mating call was, you know, when you get a razor blade, you go like this, I lived in Aspen for two years from 83 to 85. Most people will not believe at this time.

And I will state it was that Aspen, Colorado from 1982 to 85 was the cocaine capital of the United States. People will go, Joey, but it was in Miami. Listen to me. Go to your Wikipedia. Check it out. They were blown fucking Puerto Ricans up in Aspen, Colorado. And those were the people. You know why?

It was a great place to live. It was a great place to live. And you know the other place people don't know? Lake Tahoe. Tremendous. It was a great, it was a major drug place. Because if you got real money and the drug dealers had real money, why not live in Aspen or Lake Tahoe?

What are you going to live in? The fucking Albuquerque? I mean, you got to live in the hottest place. You got to run with the Jews. Tell them. Exactly. Everyone's going to have a Jew somewhere. Exactly.

If you're going to run with money somewhere, 20 feet, there's got to be a fucking Jew. It's like a luck fucking thing. Where's Tony Bennett? Break this motherfucker up. How did the Jews let the Colombians get the cocaine deal? The Jews are a class act. They don't need that. They got proof.

Okay. You know every time you fuck with a Jew, he has to show you the cross. Oh, shit. The big pieces. Are you kidding me or what? Strap it on, motherfuckers. Go get a cocktail, come back. Tell mama you want to link a little fucking monkey.

We're here with the man. That is half. Megan, it happened tonight. I'm going to start calling pussy monkey. I know I am. I know I am. And if you're in France, it's the Moncois. Yeah, I think you have a little taste of Moncois.

The Moncois. They look at you like, what the fuck are you talking about? Hey, Versailles, what is your age? I'm 23. And how long have you decided to do this? Well, I'm still a rookie. I've been working six months now. So, yeah.

It's very interesting because when I lived in Aspen, I had just turned 21. And I remember going to the bars at night. You know, the Paragon was owned by Jimmy Buffett at the time. The tower was owned by John Denver. I'll never forget walking down the street. You're too young to even remember this. But Dennis, I remember walking down the street one night and seeing 10 women run by me.

Women running and taking their heels off. Hey, come back and look and go, what the fuck is going on? And they go, we're chasing Don Johnson. Yep. This is when Don Johnson was being chased by women on the fucking street. He's Don Johnson. Exactly, Miami Vice. Oh, they wore those crazy shirts and fought crime, right?

That was a great thing. In a white Ferrari Testarosa. In a white Ferrari Testarosa. I took, when John Denver was playing at Harris, I went up in his jet and watched the eclipse, which happens like every whatever, 100 years or 50 years, whatever. This eclipse at 50,000 feet in John's jet. It was phenomenal.

That's amazing. It was amazing to see an eclipse from 50,000 feet in the air in a jet. 23. So I remember walking around Aspen going, if I was a young woman right now today, and I was attractive at age, I wouldn't become a prostitute. At that age, I said, even if I do it for four years, and charge these fucking morons a thousand a pop,

at the end of four years, I could buy a house. I could buy, I'm like Tony Montana, 84, I'm gonna let the table, I'm gonna buy a house, a golf course, and you're 25 years old. And it's like, you start all over, you're nobody fucking known, where you've been for five years, living in Michigan. I don't fucking know. Well, that's what, with the girls. That's what the girls do.

And it's, it's rough to me. Like she, she doesn't come from a long line of Adora families. That's not her name. Okay. It's a, it's a name. How'd you get that name? Well, there's this, the band, The Smashing Pumpkins, they have a song called Ava Door.

And I love that song. It's my dad's favorite band. And I love it because it, I'm adorable, but without the bull. So there you go. This is that. Oh. Isn't that great? So you're, you're right.

She'll, she'll go on and be a, a doctor. And doing research. Who gives a fuck? Save the world. At the end of the time, who gives a fuck? We both, I'm 51. That's amazing the things I did. How I thought it was the end of the world.

When I was 27. And it doesn't change who the fuck I am today. Maybe who I am. A man is as old as, as the girl sleeps with. So I'm, I'm 23. And, and yeah. You look good. The thing about you is, I can see your happiness in your face.

You're a sincerely happy guy. You opened my eyes tonight to what a brothel was. Like I said, I was so turned off when I was 17. I never had use for it again. That's a, that's a terrible experience. That's so sad. I've got to get you up there with or without your wife. By the way, whether you party or not,

you just need to get up there and be around the girls because there's nothing more stimulating than, and being around 20, 30, 40 girls and big hair and makeup and having fun and laughing and giggling. Whether you're drinking and smoking a cigar. It's the last place in America. You can drink 24 hours a day. You can smoke cigars 24 hours a day

and you can get laid 24 hours a day. There's nothing like it in America. It's true. It's a Disney world for adults. So I get, I flew in Thursday night in Torino. I took the 945 American Airlines, get you in Torino 1105. We're 10 minutes early.

We coast, I get my luggage. The guy picks me up. I get to the hotel. I check through the room. I turn the TV on. What's on fucking HBO that night? Oh. Okay.

And I'm sitting there watching it. And you guys are having a great time. But then, and I'm just saying this as a, there's a little, a little person, girl. Bridget. That's Bridget. Yeah. This is real.

Bridget's real. Yeah. Bridget's real. So I can go up there and fuck Bridget. Well, she's not there right now. But yeah, we, we have everything. But do you have a replacement little one? Yeah.

I have a little room there without that. Now let's say I went in there and said, listen, I got two G's. I want to take Bridget's cousin over here and just fucking fling her around the room and then fuck her. Which, you know, at the end of this whole thing, which has got like a fucked up collarbone.

I pay for the hospital bills. I got sag insurance, whatever. Because nobody has ever like sucked the pussy of a midget. I would love it. Like, why not leave? What was the last time you sucked the midget? Oh, your replacements. You can have a replacement, little women.

Sure, you can. They're all right. We were out at one time. No, but it's like you can't just have them. You only have the one that's at you. They don't have like a cover. We've had, we've had other ones. But this, she's the famous, most famous one.

So one, she's there one night. We're in a casino in a steakhouse. And I'm with Air Force Amy, the legend. And a girl named Shilah Fox, a beautiful porn girl that only did a few movies. But she was maybe, maybe one of the top two or three most beautiful girls ever. And so we're all there.

And so they had a vegetable tray. Now the vegetable tray had this little starter, a little appetizer. And so Shilah loved the pepperoncinis. And so Bridget said, are these hot? Well, they're a little tangy. I wouldn't consider a pepperoncini hot. They're just tangy, right?

And she's, so Bridget takes a bite out of one. Her eyes spin around. Her head, her head starts freaking out. She grabs a glass of water, slams it down. She runs out of this restaurant full blast. There's a little person running 100 mile an hour, runs all through the casino, back around the tables. And here she comes back into the restaurant

with two security guys at the casino manager following her. And she sits down at the table going, it doesn't, the casino manager. Dennis, is everything okay? I said, oh yeah, she, pepperoncini was a little hot for her. What? And that was Bridget. That's huge as well.

I wouldn't know, daddy. Did you ever sleep with Bridget? I did not. And I tell you, I was afraid to. And I told her one. I very sincerely said, look. I thought she had a crush on you, didn't she? Let me, let me, who knows?

I mean, you gotta, I don't know, but she, the bottom line is I said, look, I'm six three. You're three foot 10. If I fuck you, and it's the best I ever had, you and I are gonna look stupid together hauling around the rest of your life. Okay? You need to find a guy that's like five five. And it's symmetrical.

It'll look like it should. And she ended up doing that and having a kid and all that. But it's like, I wouldn't take a chance. What if I partied with her? It was the best I ever had. We just look ridiculous together. I'm too tall to, she's short. I'm tall.

It looks silly. You'd carry her. There was a comedian at the comedy store. I can't remember what her name was, very funny from Canada, I think she was. She ended up marrying a guy and then she got the scooter. And he'd come up with her with the scooter. What's her name?

Well, she used to come to the comedy store. And then a couple of years ago, had to be about eight years ago, she got hit by a fucking car. I'm so upset. Oh my God. In the scooter? In the fucking scooter.

I don't know what to say. As I was saying, I just laughed. She has this ability to put her in the scooter. They put her in the scooter because the hip was bad or something. She had the big hips. She was very funny, I met her in Canada. She was very sweet.

I always spoke to her. We were all mutual friends with another friend. And then she got hit in the scooter. I remember getting the call and saying, would I do the benefit or something? Yeah, somebody clocked her. They whacked her.

Knocked her. Yeah, something. She's alive. No, she's alive. I haven't seen her in a while. I don't forget. She's still around, but I haven't seen her alive. It's a fucked up story.

I don't even know my brother. Who it's a midget, a fucked up call. Where's the respect, you know what I'm saying? Oh, so she was a little person, too. Yes, she was a little person. A little person. Oh, and they were hip because they do have problems with it. Right, she had bad hips.

And so now she's in the scooter and they whacked her in the scooter. They whacked, but her husband was six foot one. Nice guy, glasses, educated, had a job. You know, it wasn't like some fucking guy that was looking for a hand nap. Let me just marry a little person. Get a check.

I don't fucking know what they do anymore. Well, he was a little person. She's five three. But Ava's is fucking savage. She's badass and she's... No, what? It must be hard to do your show with an erection. No, I'm okay.

I respect that. I've been angling the boobs towards him. Just trying to see what'll happen. You know what? I would never want to do that to Ava, like show him my dick and my nudge sack because that's psychological torture. I didn't say show in it.

No, no, no, I'm just saying. I feel shame. You've got to be stimulated. Look, I'm stimulated. Oh, she's beautiful. She's flawless. She's just beautiful. Aw, thanks, Sammy.

She looks like she can be Cuban. She's got that taste. Yeah, yeah, that's why I asked her. He did ask you. Now, let me ask you this, Ava. At one point in your life, after a guy fucking had a car and everything, you said, you know what?

I'm going to do this for her. Like the last boyfriend you had, did you just murder him? Like he just fucking woke up one day with his eyes spinning. And you go, you know what? I got good fucking pussy. Fuck Burger King. I'm going to go sell this crime fucking monkey right now.

And she thought, right, is that how it happened? I mean, you know, you're very good at what you did. You're very beautiful. It's actually a little bit. Like it's for you to say it. When I went to Boston, you know, Boston is kind of the land of white girls. And of course, there are, you know,

different people there. But I'd realized that every boyfriend I'd ever had and everybody who I'd messed around with, they'd tell me that they started, you know, fucking me because they were intrigued by, you know, this girl is tan. She looks different. Da, da, da.

And then I would blow their mind. And they told me that they'd never be able to sleep with a white girl again after being with me. Really? Yeah. I've heard that from maybe two or three guys. Your skin is amazing. Beautiful.

It's an amazing color and texture. And it melts in your mouth, I might add. So you, every woman in all your ranch is a fucking throwing heat like this? That's who you're talking about. Well, not all of them. We got a couple of them that I wouldn't sleep with. But the majority of them are very,

very attractive girls. And but, you know, beauty is. Everybody has a type. Like with Ava. Let me tell you something. Ava's beauty is so radiant right now that it's, I bet a lot of guys would just want to sit next to you and give you a couple yard sticks.

Because I think that, you know, it's really weird. I'm married and I got the fucking kid at home. But when you go home, you know, I don't talk about nothing else but the fucking kid for three hours. And I bet that it's the truth. You know, it's a different time warp and whatever. And I'm very happy for my wife.

I love the child. But sometimes a guy's driving home and he goes like, tonight I'm going to fuck somebody in the fucking ear. Like that's it. We get home and then all of a sudden they just bombard you with the kid's shit or something else. And your heart on goes into your asshole. Because now you got to fucking wait till two

to get a heart on again to think about. And I can see guys as a release going to see Ava. And it's not just. Once a week. But it's more than a sexual release. It's a mental release. Mental release. Because I see it.

I see it right now. It's hard for a guy to be arguing over a credit card bill where the girl went and bought two pairs of Chanel boots for $5,000. And then say, hey, would you mind blowing me? I mean, there's so many pressures of family and having kids. And like, it's not like wifey can come home and be all hot and have her clothes on, drinking her bottle of wine

and being all sexy. She's got to take care of this baby. And so it adds another dimension to it. And guys can get away from that world and step into our world for a little while, have a great time, and go back home. And nobody knows the difference. Nobody knows the difference.

And so I think a man that's married, we keep marriages together. Oh, it's so true. So true. I mean, we have a client who's been coming in for years now. And he'll come in every few months, every whatever. And he doesn't even like to, like we were saying before, have sex with us. He just wants to chat.

He wants to watch two girls play with each other. And he has, I think, five children. His marriage is 40, 50 years strong. Just has 20 grandkids. And he enjoys being generous with us girls. And he goes back to his life away from the Bunny Ranch. And he's a great father and a great husband. Well, I did that because before I bought the ranch,

I was in a relationship for six years. It was a ranch course. And a very nice girl, lover to death. But it ran its course. So I was doing a deal in Florida with Swiss Airlines and SeaWorld. So I would fly back to Reno. So there was two flights.

One of them got in at about 5.30. And the other one got in at 10 o'clock. So I would always tell her I'm taking the one where I arrive at 10 o'clock. But I'd get there at 5.30. I'd go out to the ranch. I'd drink a cup of coffee. I'd bang a girl.

And I'd sit around and just laugh and giggle and talk to the girls and get all the pressures in my head. And I'd go home to my house in Tahoe and crawl in with her. And I was so thrilled to see her. It actually kept that thing going for another year. And the relationship was really over with. And I know clients are in there with that same thing. They don't want to give up their relationship.

They don't want to give up their kids. But they have to have an outside stimulation, whether it be just verbal stimulation or physical or sexual. Now, how did the HBO series come about? You know, I wanted to have a TV show. There wasn't any reality shows 13 years ago. The only thing that was out there was real world. Yeah.

And so I wanted to show the world what this place is. Because the Nevada law does not let me buy any television, radio, or newsprint. You can't advertise a brothel. So I thought, how can I get the world to know that we're here? And I came up with this idea. And I went to Showtime. And I said, here's what I want to do.

And they loved it. And they said, you know what? We want to do it. But we want to do a scripted version. Because the money's in syndication. And we want to do a scripted version. We'll shoot all the exteriors. We'll build a set.

We'll build a bunny ranch in Hollywood. And you tell us all the stories. And the girls will tell us the stories. And then our actors will live it out. And I'm like, no. What's going to make it work is the fact that they can actually come visit these girls and visit these places.

And they'll lock onto one of the girls and follow her. And that's what's going to make it work. So they said, nope. We want to do a syndication. So I went to HBO. Because HBO is like the supermodel that never gets fucked. Nobody's got the balls to talk to her when she's horny as can be. And because everybody puts her up on this platform, that's HBO.

HBO is the 800-pound gorilla. They're the bad ass. And so I went to them. And we're in this meeting. And they said, Dennis, you've been everywhere. We've seen you in 2020. What can we do different? And I said, I don't know.

And they said, well, what do you like about HBO? I said, you know, I don't think I ever watch this two-taxi cab confession. And Sheila Nevin says, bingo. Can we cam a room for two weeks? Because Nevada's a one-party state. So like right now, we're sitting in this room. If everybody has to know we're being filmed, or you go to jail.

In Nevada and New York, they're one-party states. So as long as one party knows, if one party in this room, if we're in Nevada, knows it's being filmed, then it's OK. So I said, yeah, we'll try it. And we'll just film the negotiations and pick in that girl how to line up. And it was a smash, smash hit. Highest rated nonfiction show HBO had ever done.

The ratings were enormous. I mean, if you didn't see the show, you had nothing to talk about around the water cooler the next day. I mean, Saturday Night Live ripped on it. And as you know, you want to be part of Cult America? Saturday Night Live rips on you. Guess what? You made it.

And so that's how it all came about. And then we only did that for two weeks, one time. And that started the show. And then it was people latching onto the different girls. The Air Force Amy, the Sunset Thomas, Taylor's, Madam Suzette. My life, I'm with this girl. And I break up with her. And I do this and me having to discipline somebody

or having a sales meeting. And it's just I open the doors to the cat house and people love coming in. And they still do 13 years later. I mean, Sam Simon, when I was on the show a few months ago, said, Dennis, you know that the only show on television that's been on longer than yours is The Simpsons. He's the co-founder of The Simpsons.

And I'm like, really? He says, yep, absolutely. So it's been on a long time. And it just never gets old. It gets like, her story is amazing. I'm here. I mean, she's so nontipical because what happens is the right wing and the medium, they look at a prostitute

and they're right 90% of the time. Underage, ethnic, short sorts, street corner, crack pipe, and a pimp down the street taking the money until you legalize it. And then when you make it legal, then you get girls like Eva. Beautiful, comes from a nice family. She's got alternatives. She's not desperate. She's got a great education.

And she brings a lot to the table. So people are shocked because they're like, wow, that's like the chick I wish the next door to me. You know, so that skanky little whore that those next door does. And so they see our world and they're curious about it and they want to step into it. And a percentage of them come there. And the reason the show is so popular is because the girls are attainable.

Like when you watch Hefner's show, and I highly respect you Hefner for what he brought to America, but nobody's going to fuck his girls. I mean, it's not going to happen. Okay? So you don't have the fantasy of banging those girls, those three girls, his old ladies. Because it's not going to happen. So in our show, they see a girl and say, you know what?

I like her. I can be with her. I'm attracted to her. So it stimulates you even more. And other reality shows don't have that. Like I like the fishing boat guys, okay? If I catch her, whatever the hell it is. But guess what?

I'm never going to go ride that boat. But I like the show, okay? And so it can be another show that's the same way, that has that same element, is Pawn Stars. People go to Vegas. It's a tourist attraction in Las Vegas now. People want to go to Pawn Stars. Just walk through the store and feel like, you know,

they see the guys behind the counter. And it's the same way with the money. Look at all the tourists that come in there. Oh, it's so true. People come to Reno for that. Oh, yeah. People plant. They watch the show and they go fuck it.

They go online, whatever the yellow paint, whatever they need to do. You get the blue-haired old ladies coming in there and buying shot glasses. Family reunions. Oh, yeah. Tour buses come through and they'll stop for a while. We're going to start weddings. I just got ordained.

And I've got my licensing from the state of Nevada. And I'm going to do this. And that came from the Grizzly Adams. Grizzly Adams, Dan Haggerty, did a wedding there. And I thought, well, yeah, I can do this. I know Dan very well. And so I'm going to come up with some whole spiel. Who gives this?

But it's not going to be gifts. Who sells this? We don't give anything. OK. And I'm going to do my whole wedding thing so people can come there. They can have a bachelor party, a bachelorette party, and they get married the next day right there at the ranch. And have their honeymoon.

I've had many honeymoon parties. So a couple comes in and they want part of me to be part of their honeymoon experience. Now, that's the way to start a relationship. You start a wedding, a marriage like that, with another chick in your bed. You're going to be with that girl forever. One of the hottest parties I've ever had, for sure, hands down,

was the couple's honeymoon party I did. It was so hot. I'm definitely going to come and visit you. You have an open invitation. But I need a big favor from you. What's up? Lee is, well, I tell you, Lee is, he lived in Boston. He lived at home.

Aw, Boston. Lee's a very nice boy. But we have a running gag here on this show that I always knew Lee wants a woman to fart in his mouth. Oh, no, no. He doesn't have the balls to ask his girlfriend. He's never licked an asshole. He's looked at one when he eats his girlfriend's pussy,

but he's never licked one or whatever. So we wanted to get Lee on pay-per-view, or maybe on this show, to have a girl fart in his mouth. Because I think that's the next level of entertainment in this country is going to see women fart in your fucking face. We can strap him down, too. No, no, no. Lee's a violent, Lee's a, you know,

and we don't want to eat, we don't want to shit for three or four days. Just feed him, feed him beans, hot dogs, and then sit. And you know what? We had the opportunity, but we lost it, because we went to Barney's Beanery and had a chili dog, but we shared it, because I'm from my restaurant. He's on a quest. I have a bunny ranch restaurant, so I'm checking out hot dog places

and trying to get the best. Everybody's got a different opinion, but it's good. So we shared it. If she would have ate that big chili dog, we could have done it tonight. I'm so, I screwed up. Oh my goodness. I'm going to save you the aggravation.

I'm going to save you a lot of aggravation here, because I look at hot dogs as something different. When I came from Cuba as a young man, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be an American. And I grew up on a Dick Van Dyke show dog, you know, Dick Van Dyke, and a hot dog was superb. So I went as a young man and searched the better the hot dog,

the better American I would be. That was my first 10 years in this country. I fucking love hot dogs. And I'm still, to this day, I'm still a sabrette guy. I'm still a sabrette guy. And I almost recently, a buddy of mine put an ad on that he was selling his hot dog truck. And there was nothing in the world

that I would want to do more than to buy a hot dog. I want to buy it. Is it still around? I even call him 25 Grand Flat. His name is Bobby Bender, 25 Grand. He's had the business in front of shop right in front of the Poo Hall in movie theater for the last 28 years, but he can't do it no more because it's too much

of a Hall fan from South Jersey. So he put it on Facebook and I called him and said, what, how much are you charging? He goes, I want 25 grand for everything. The onions, I got chili, I got everything. The cart, the business, you could move into the cart in front of the hot dog play out. You know, keep it existed there.

But I have a hot dog cart. Oh my God. And I love it. But you're like the Sabret. I'm a Sabret guy. I like that there's a place of both. Crilled or steamed? Both.

I love them. There's a place in Boulder, you know, Chicago makes a tremendous fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. With the pickles, fucking tremendous. You know, don't get me, don't think I'm one of these fucking jerks. I was like, the New York, listen, I'm four.

I was four eight though. I did the longest yards and I was four eight fucking team. Okay. And that ain't on Wendy's or McDonald's. But I tell you what, somebody who makes a nice dog, the Cuban, the Cuban at home dopes up a dog like a fucking savage. It's all what you put on it.

What you put on it. A Cuban will cut the dog, fry with the onions in the frying pan and put mustard as they're cooking it and moving around. Really? And then put it on the fucking bun. Tremendous. But then you got a place like Scoobies in Hollywood.

That's, you go in there. This is the problem that they've done to the hot dog in this country. They reinvented it for no fucking reason. Listen, I'll go eat your hot dog, but at the end, when I walk to the car, and I'm not cheap, when I walk to the car and say, wait a second, I just got three hot dogs and I ordered fries for $32.

In Hollywood, that's when you go to Scoobies. They got the best lemonade you ever had. But you're right. Now I was in Chicago and checking the places out because it's Chicago dogs. So I went to Portillo's. Tremendous. They have one here.

Yeah. And one apart. Okay. And that's right. And uh... They're for sale. But I had uh... For sale.

Portillo's, I heard the whole chain's for sale. They get too old. A billion dollars. Wow, a billion dollars, Lee. Yeah. Damn. For a fucking steak place. That's an incredible burger place.

Burger place. No, not even burger. It's Italian sandwich. It's Italian sandwich. Well, you should go. The hot beef with the sausage. God damn, Lee. That's the best, isn't it?

God damn, Lee. What you should go is what Paula's mom makes. The Mexican, the method you fry... Bacon around the hot dog. That's another one, too. That's another angle, too. It's all mine. And then they put like...

The street dogs would be good. The problem with the street dogs is they use a shitty hot dog. Exactly. If they use the quality hot dog with the bacon. Yeah. Then you got a fucking hot dog. If they use a sobrant of Vienna.

Of Vienna. Or Nathan's. Or Nathan's. Now we're cooking with fucking gas. Let me tell you something. There was Rouse about three years ago. Nobody knew about this. Rouse, right here in Sherman Oaks.

They had a special for lunch. Two fucking Nathan's and a soda for two dollars. Nobody fucking knew about it. I was the only Jew that went in there. There was Jews walking around me. Nobody would stop for a hot dog. I've been there eating fucking two for two dollars until I'm blown up.

So I go to Portillo's. And I had this RPR person with me. So we got the big Italian beef sandwich with all the peppers on it. And extra sauce. And we cut, we shared it. And then we got a hot dog. And the hot dog, you know what they use?

They steam them. And they use an Oscar Meyer hot dog. It's the last hot dog I would think, I view as a quality hot dog. Not bad. And it was delicious. Delicious. It's what you put on it.

But see, I like it. I think for my restaurant, I want them fried. I want them split down the middle and grill. Yes, I like them grilled, too. But give them options. You grill it, put it open. Yeah. Put it back, toast a bun.

Nothing pisses me off when they give me a cold bun. You got a toast to bun. I'm in the fucking mouth. And I'm not talking about sit there. Just put it over the thing while you're staring and talking to me about it. Did you see the game last night? Look at that girl's ass.

It's a magic fucking trick. It's a magic trick. Heat the fucking bun, you cock sucker. They give you this cold fucking bun with a hot dog. And it throws your intestines off. The buns are always hot at the bunny ranch. The bun's always hot at the bunny ranch. Always has hot buns.

The hotest bun's gotta be again. The hottest fucking buns in the world. I love you, motherfucker. Let me give a shout out to these sponsors here. Okay, who are they? Because I want to support them. All right, let me give a shout out to these people who watch the show.

They're gonna be fans of yours. Jeffrey Wheeler, Henry Villatoro, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Joe Rook. I love you, sexy bitch. Ben Christie, Mike Davidson from the UK. And listen to this name. Armando Salgado.

He's got about 10 cousins on that fucking bus coming up on that cock sucker. He's got a poster of Obama and fried chicken. Is that Anita Wad? I need a Wad right there. Oh yeah, I think so. She likes to watch the show. I need a Wad.

I need a Wad. I don't like that you throw me the fucking thing. You know what I'm saying? First off, somebody had to hook you up with his Aubrey at Onin. Onin is the next level. There's not a supplement. They're the fucking future.

And what does it do for you? Onin has a thing called the alpha brain. It's like giving your mind cocaine without the habit. And it makes you very aware. It makes you very, your dreams become more vivid. You become very clear. Alpha brain is a great product. But they also got into the protein product.

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They have Shroom Tech before you get on a flight. So it boosts your immune system. Oh, okay. No, you don't trip. Then they have it before you work out. And you get some more. You don't get majority. That sounds great.

So you got onin.com. It's owned by a friend of mine, Aubrey. Tremendous. He sends me product. I take them myself. Like I said, I love this Shroom Tech. I want the Bunny Ranch to be the international test center for this stuff. For fuck, tremendous.

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That's what you got to do. You got to get a program where we just mail a piece of fucking ass to your house on the first of the month. They come in. They suck a lot of mink. They do some fucking head socks. And they go right back to the fucking Bunny Ranch. I can see the UPS driver looking at Ava in a big box.

Oh my God. Wrapped up with roses with a fucking chocolate ice cream bun on your little monkey. With a return label. Yeah, they come right back. We'll be back in an hour and a half. Don't strand me in the middle of nowhere. No, no, no. We're going to come back and get you.

So what other sponsors we got? We got HuluPlus.com. Oh, you know what? Love Hulu. Let me tell you about Hulu. Talk to me. Hookers use Hulu. Oh, yeah, we do.

Be like the hookers. Get Hulu. Because it works. They catch up on all that. See, Hulus are up. Hulus, listen. If you're a real hooker after eight o'clock, you're doing things. Okay, you ain't got time to sit down, watch Modern Family,

and say, look how cute the fucking gay guy is. You're on all fours. You got a guy by the fucking neck. Who's moaning? Did you hear that shit? Or is it on my hallucinating? I got to stop you. Oh, I heard it too.

You heard it too. Somebody's moaning. Somebody's getting fucked in the building right now. See, wherever you are, somebody's getting their dick sucked. Exactly. It's true. One feet away. I love it.

That's the type of energy you forget. HuluPlus, they're tremendous, all right? I think Hulu is the best thing going right now. HuluPlus has a niche program. Watch Hulu anywhere, anytime, on any devices. iPhones, iPads. Here's the beauty. $7.99 a month.

$7.99 a month. What's that? Fuck it. $96 a year to get unlimited programming. They're going to get exclusively. They get the Simpsons. Oh, I love this. Starting in September.

They're going to get the Simpsons. Go to HuluPlus.com, press. Joey. In the box. Get two weeks for free. $7.90. Listen, some people, if you go to the commercial, if you're sitting at home tonight jerking off,

you're going to watch it for $7.99 a month. Great. That's great. I give you two weeks on the arm for free. Talk to my man Dennis Hopp. See if you can walk in the money ranks and say, hey, give me two weeks of a fucking rim job for free. Then I'll decide if I want to sign them.

That ain't going to fucking happen. Hulu does it because we're with Hulu. Hulu's with us. We're with them. They're with us. Now, can I go to your website and find all this? Yeah, HuluPlus.com. What's your?

Okay, but what's your- JoeyDia.net. JoeyDia.net. And I got banners on all of them. The same thing. Dollar Shave Club. This is a great blue feed. Listen, all these girls.

They're shaving. They're shaving some puny. This is tremendous. Asshole Shave. Well, you got to do something special. You got to get a Filipino to come over. With fucking pigeon juice and rubbing on your asshole. Those are the only people that would shave your assholes

in Filipinos. Right or wrong? What's pigeon juice? Pigeon juice. They use pigeons for everything when you're Filipino. They're the magicians. They do everything. They fucking rub them.

One time we had this third show and this girl had a big party. And it's just like, oh, it was $20,000 or something. You can buy a Filipino family for that. For 20 Gs, they'll show up completely in your fucking days. It's over. Anyway. Listen, you got to go to the supermarket. You got to go wherever, stand online.

You got to buy those razors. If you don't buy the right razors, it gives you, when you're eating pussy, you can see all the stubbles. You don't want to do that. No, you'll stubble. Or razor burn. Nobody likes that.

What you want to do is this. You got to pay $20, $30 for a razor. It comes with a flashlight, a hood, a stereo, an iPad. You don't need that. You need two blades. You need some aloe with that fucking monkey. What dollar shave club is this? They mail the shit to your house.

They got a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month. You go online, you sign up. They also have one Wipe Charlie's. You know what a Wipe Charlie is? No. You wipe your little muffler with or your helmet. And it smells like peppermint patty. It's Christmas every fucking day in your house.

It smells like Santa Claus' wife's. Some kid thinks it's peppermint patties. What else? What else they got, dog? They got everything. They got the shave butter. They got the shave butter. I mean, tremendous shit.

And I'm not kidding. Really? The razors are fucking tremendous. OK? The razors come to your door on the first of the month. You get an email like on the 29th. They tell you your razors are on the way. What package you want to go to is what you want to go to.

The dollar package, you got a single blade. That's great, too. The fucking blade they give you. The hammer, you can hit somebody as a weapon. I take them on the road. I shave with them. That's why I cut my fucking face. Number two, they got the $6 plan.

They give you two blades. All right? Then you got the fucking $9 plan, where they give you two blades and aloe, and then they send them right to your mail. You don't go online. You don't got to get no fucking question. One of those blades last you for a week or two?

Two, three weeks. You know what I mean? I don't even use them all. That's how good they are. I'm not even bullshitting you. Not because they're my sponsor. I use this myself. Hulu Plus, my wife uses.

I use Honor. I don't fuck around. Right here. Look. Can't eat. What is that? What a dollar shave club. Press.

Church. In the box and get two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. That's... That's Hulu Plus, that's Joey. That's Joey. We'll make up your fucking mind. Why are you confusing? No.

Hulu Plus is Joey. He just mixed. Hulu Plus is what? Joey. All right. And the dollar shave club is... To make up your fucking mind. You got me all confused.

You know I ain't an edible? All right. Now I want to welcome my new sponsor, hitesigs.com. Whether you want a cigar, whether you want fucking a cigarette, don't get you off the cigarettes. I say you want a quick smoke and boom. You got a 24 milligram to get the party started.

After a week, you go down to 16. After another week, you go to eight. After another week, boom. You're smoking a cigarette with no... Negatine. Nicotine. Thank you, Lee. It's good to have you on my corner here.

You fucking stuttering, conch sucker. Now, you get this right here, hitesigs. You know why I like them? They're better tasting and they last long. We've been puffing on this cigar all night, Lee. Not tremendous or what. Tell me you and I feel like going to the money ranch right now, smoking a cigar and blowing it.

Some chicks fucking face with you there right now, like Don Corleone. Sure you would. That would be amazing. Don't fuck around. I've watched you guys smoke these all night long. All night long. Come right here.

Yeah, and you're loving it. I like the cigarette one, but I also... This cigar is perfect. You could go to Vegas. I go to Bunny Ranch. Nobody's feeling it's going to hurt. Hey, chubby, get the fuck out of here with that cigar. You're never going to hear that shit.

I love these things. I'm a firm believer in these things. Now, wouldn't you enjoy having a nice hot chick blow you while you're smoking this cigar? I want to do a lot of things. Just go one. That's no creative. I want to pick her up and eat her ass

and fangirl her relatively gently. You're an oral guy. He's so oral. Oh, I love all that. That's my world, because I come in a minute and a half, two minutes, that chick destroyed my fucking fucking machine. You need to come back up to this ranch. Before I met this girl, I was a dry-humping machine.

I used to dry-hump bitches until they couldn't walk home. They would have to call that flawless to come together. I was a dry-humping motherfucker. I'd get that fucking dick and pile it to that fucking Lee strip, because you always got that Lee Jean strip. In the 70s, girls wore Lees. That's it.

And those Lees had that strip. You dry-humped the Lee. Forget it. I get excited just thinking about it. You know. What the fuck, Lee? Go to hitesigs.com right now, today. These are my favorite out there that

meditation they last long. The cigarettes, they got a fucking deal, like 12,000 fucking pups. You know how many pups is that? You'll be puffing. I think one pack. One of them is equal to four packs of cigarettes. Yeah.

These go for $20,000. I can see you going to Hulu and sitting around smoking your e-sig all night long. All night like a doctor. After you shave. After you shave. Oh, of course. You got to shave before you go out.

After you shave your nutsack, or you shave somebody's mancois, you need to go to Lees. There's a trick to saving your nutsack. And so this saver would be the ideal thing. I'm telling you right now. Hitesigs.com. Go to the box and press what?

Joey's Church. Joey's Church. J-O-E, apostrophe-S. No, no, no, no. Check what? No apostrophe. All right. Whatever.

C-H-U-R-C-H. Joey's Church. Go there right now. Let me. Get 20% off anything. And last week, they were giving away free cigars and free. So I think you got one for like a dollar.

Yeah. And you get Yamaha with a cigar. What's all this going to cost? It could cost $7.99 for a hula. $7.99 for a hula. And it's going to cost me a buck a month for the shave. Right. Well, you're going to go up a grade.

Okay, six bucks. So now I'm in this 14 bucks. Right. Okay. And an e-sig, what's that going to cost? Cigar. It's going to cost 20 dollars. You get four dollars off that.

You use the car. Well, free shipping by the way. But they last you forever, apparently. So you're like $34. You're only going to puff these at night. You're not going to puff them all day like Puerto Ricans. No. You're going to puff these at night.

Just saying. No Puerto Ricans will. You're not going to go out to hang out with Ricans. You're a funny motherfucker. We're trying to have a good fucking time. It's Monday night. And I'm happy you came down. I had a great time.

Drop some knowledge on this. I had such a good time. Thank you so much. Oh, I love you. Thank you. Thank you for smoking with me. A little high. He let it go.

Lee. Hey, you know, I was going to start to show and out you guys and say, I'm the only one that's going to make sense tonight because these two are so fucking high. But you guys did good. It's not even true. You guys maintained. We're functional.

We're functional. I'm amazing. And I ate like a s'more. I haven't eaten another bowl since the podcast, the live podcast. I put the ice house and they got this new s'more that they dip it in THC butter. The lady said try it. Get out.

One of those. I brought you that. Those things are tremendous. Hey, enjoy those. The green hornets. It's cute. It looks like a little Jolly Rancher. Yeah, they taste tremendous.

Oh, it's yummy. Lee only ate a half of it. Yeah, it's a yummy thing. Let me tell you what happened. I left my fucking edibles alone. I left it in the car and it melted last week. I took it home. I put it in the freezer.

I came back, me and Lee split it. How high were we? Oh, my God. You went home and seen the Jewish level, did you know? No, do these guys that give you these edibles, do they advertise on your show? No, no, no, no. Well, they should.

I want it bought. They should, though. You know what they used to. We used to do something with them. We get free edibles. I think they switched marketing people. They switched their marketing around. But they're good.

Well, then we should motherfuck them, then, until they come back. Nah, they're okay. Dennis, it was a fucking pleasure. Eva, I love you all my heart. You're beautiful. I wish you luck and your medical career. And I'm happy you did this. Thank you.

We should have the balls to take the world by the fucking balls. Got it? You guys, you guys are fun. And I can't wait to get you up there. You guys got to come. Yep, my birthday. Tomorrow, I'm calling Wayne tomorrow. I'm going up there.

I'm calling Wayne to book a date. I'm going to hold you to it. You don't hurt my feelings. Now, my birthday party is September 13th. Private party, okay? And owner of the Lakers and I have a joint birthday party for 18 years. Everybody you ever wanted to meet on Celebrity Rehab will be there. And it's a fun party.

There'll be 200 girls there. And it's a perfect time. It's a party you can bring your wife to if you wanted to. Or if you just want to do a little eating, a little muchado. Be munchin' on a bunch of them. September 13th, Lee, I'm open that day. Cut second. You're open too.

I don't want to hear that. You're going to some club. Tell them where you went last Friday. Where? Tell them where you went to do last Friday. Oh, my girlfriend and I went. We did a cooking class, a crepe class. Should I smack them down or fuckin' lay them down?

Hey, you ate the crepes. I like that. Crepes are great. I'm sure they bonded. It's pretty awesome. We're going to book up. I'm going to get Joey set up with the bunny buffet. And that's four girls all laying on the bed next to each other.

Let's get her on the phone. Oh, I'd love to have. You start on one. You start, it's a Neapolitan. And then you start off with a blonde. And then you go to the redhead. And then you go to the brunette. That's the Neapolitan.

And then we throw in an extra scoop of chocolate for the fourth girl. That's the same present that Ed Tutor Jones gave Hollywood for his 28th birthday when they were Dallas Cowboys. Really? Wow. And you can relive that experience. Fuck yeah. In fact, I got invited tomorrow to go to the

Raider Cowboy game where my baby gets carsick. They do right here. Thousand oaks. You know, Oxford. Oxford. Yeah, Oxford. That's where their training camp is. Wow.

So somebody said they're going up there. They have passes that they have a place for the children to play. I would have fucking canceled everything. They're not up there no more, but. You're coming to my birthday party. I love you, man. I'm flying up here. And we're going to have some fun.

What's the website they go to? Bunny Ranch.com. Find us on online shopping in the world. We make Amazon look like nothing. When you got hot chicks, you got it all at Bunny Ranch.com. And watch our HBO show. Set your Tivo. It's called Tee Ho in our world.

And it's on Hooker Box Office, Cat House. Hooker Box. That's what HBO means. I really thought that's all I'm going to do. Because I'm going to tell you, because you're a New Yorker, an East Coast guy, the real ending to the Sopranos. Now, Meadow, first of all, was two years. And you're going to find out why it took two years to get that last show.

Meadow runs into the restaurant, remember? And Tony and his wife are eating and having dinner. And Meadow runs in and went black. But what you did in the year, because they cut it out, is Meadow says, Dad, Mom, I got accepted at the Bunny Ranch after two years. That's why it went black. You like that cocksucker? Yeah.

I love you guys. Thank you for watching. Thank you to Dennis. Thank you again, Ava. You are a trip to paradise. The flying Jew, who's better than you? Nobody. And my man over here from Newark in the house visiting.

I love to do. Do you have any shows come out? I got nothing. I'm going to Paducah. I'll be doing a show Friday night at a coffee shop, Paducah, at my family's reunion. I don't know the name of the coffee shop. I'll find out and let you people know.

Besides that, I'm home. I'm having surgery on the 26th, so I'm home. I'm having knee surgery. Good luck. Good luck. What are they doing to it? Orthoscopic, meniscus, arthritis. I'll be in the pool when the stitches come out.

I'll be fucking. The rehab is the trick. The rehab is the hope of tomorrow. And I didn't do a good job on that. No, that's the most important. I need to do more. Good night. We love you.

Stay black, cock-suckers. Head it, Lee. Oh, my goodness. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast.

And get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. Get a high-quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner.

Shows also sponsored by annant.com. Go there for Apple, Brain, New Moon, Shumtech, Community and Sport. Use code word church to get 10% off. And go to hit esix.com and use code word joey's church to get 20% off of some really cool vapor bands. Music I thought I'd run for the game of life, yeah, yeah, yeah

And you call me the rest of the game, yeah, yeah, yeah Monopoly 21 checkers and chairs, yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Fred Lassie in the breakfast house, yeah, yeah, yeah Let's play twister, let's play rest, yeah, yeah, yeah I'll see you in heaven if you make rules, yeah Now Andy, did you hear about this one? Tell me are you locked in the pond? Andy, are you goofing on out?

If you believe, are we losing touch? If you believe, make right a man on the moon, man on the moon If you believe, there's nothing out there to sleep, and nothing is cold Poses when walking with a staffer of wood, yeah, yeah Newton got me by the apple of wood, yeah, yeah, yeah Egypt was troubled by the horrible ass, yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Charles star would never fall asleep Andy, did you hear about this one?

Tell me are you locked in the pond? Andy, are you goofing on out? Hey baby, are you having fun? If you believe, make right a man on the moon, man on the moon If you believe, there's nothing out there to sleep, and nothing is cold Here's a little wedge for the never-believer, yeah, yeah, yeah Here's a little ghost for the alpha ring, yeah, yeah, yeah Here's a truck stop instead of St. Peter's, yeah, yeah, yeah

Mr. in the coffin's gone messin', yeah, yeah, yeah Andy, did you hear about this one? Tell me are you locked in the pond? Andy, are you goofing on out? Hey baby, are we losing the cup? If you believe, make right a man on the moon, man on the moon If you believe, there's nothing out there to sleep, and nothing is cold If you believe, make right a man on the moon, man on the moon

If you believe, there's nothing out there to sleep, and nothing is cold If you believe, make right a man on the moon, man on the moon If you believe, there's nothing out there to sleep, and nothing is cold