Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #207 - Joey Diaz, Tom Segura and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 26, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined in studio by Comedian Tom Segura This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  2Pac - California Love Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around Black Sabbath - Supernaut Recorded on 08/25/2014.

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sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church. That's dollashaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub. Banner. This show is also sponsored by onit.com. Go there for alpha brain, new mood,

swim tech immune, swim tech sport. Put it in the code word church and get 10% off. And lastly, this show is sponsored by hitesigs.com. For better tasting, longer lasting e-sigs, go to hitesigs.com and use code word joey's church. Joey's church and get 20% off your order. Are you kidding me, Donaldson? Oh, shit.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Bounce that fucking helmet, cock suckers. Monday, August 25th. Right here, baby. You're lowering my music now. What? Here we go. What?

Bounce that motherfucker. It's a Monday night. Church podcast in the house. Tamsa Gura, the flying Jew, kicking it, licking it, flicking it, suck it, bite it, stick a finger in it. I'm getting surgery tomorrow. My knees, I'm feeling good. I'm high, I broke the stone.

It's a Monday night church. What? Do it, Lisa. You bad motherfucker. There you go. What? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

You bad motherfuckers. You thought it was going to be the regular Monday church? Fuck that shit. We're throwing heat like the Corinthians. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Labor day week. We ain't fucking around here. Tamsa Gura is in house.

Stop wiggling, Lee. What's the problem? What's the problem is you gave me a brownie, and I have about five minutes to get every month. You gave me a brownie, and I got your fucking. This is a way of fucking life. This brownie made me puke on Friday. If you're not, I gave him the whole fucking thing.

Listen, he couldn't sleep. I can't sleep. OK, let's go get you a little fucking other one. So we went over, and we got the so kind, the brownie collection, right? Let me tell you something. This shit is what they give you. Let's say you get shot eight times, and you won't die.

They'll just give you this at the hospital. It's over for you. They'll just bleed the fuck out. You're saying this now, but everything you give me is seven milligrams. Oh, yeah. Come on, Doug. This is six milligrams.

This is baby stuff. It was 33 and a third. John George Harrison. That made him puke? Oh, my god. He ate the whole thing like a fucking animal. I ate the whole thing. I kept calling him, we're going out, Lee.

We're going to fucking see the town. At first he was like, OK, hold me back. I'll be here. I called him back like 10 minutes later. Lee, what's up? You ready to go? Cox said, because I'm feeling fucked up, right? So I know he's going down.

I called him back like 10 minutes. He's eating sushi. Yeah, he goes, you know what? I'm getting a little fucked up. All right, fuck it. I give him another 30 minutes. I call him back. He called me like eight times in one night.

And all of a sudden he's like, hello, I'm fucked up. How much was in that thing? I can't fucking believe how fucked up I am. I'm like, fuck it. Get dressed. We're going out, cock sucker. And I hang up on him, right? And I'm like, oh, I know.

And I call him back and he's like, and the phone rang like eight times. And he picked it up and I'm like, where are you? He's like, I just puked. I'm so fucking high. Go blow blowing on the weed. It's that wholesale fucking sushi you got from that Arab on the corner.

He goes to this Arabian bull. Yes, you do. You told me they got at a dummy with fucking hummus on it. That's some shit. Wholesale? He does. He goes to wholesale fucking eight rolls for $3. No, two rolls for us.

Yeah, you're going to fucking die. That's like suicide. It wasn't gas station, it was good sushi. But OK, so I was watching a movie on my living room couch and I made it to the bedroom. And I was laying with my head by the foot and I just flipped. And you ever know when you're going to puke? Like as soon as I flipped over, I was like,

that's not going to happen. But I was able to get off my bed so I didn't puke on the bed. But like right next to the front of the floor. And you can see all the little sushi beds, it was terrible. Oh my god, how do you nasty motherfucker? I've never had to clean up puke high. It was not fun. I kept calling them back.

Get up, cocksucker, we're going down. We got more edibles. I can't. I can't. I already puked the fucking sushi. Lee's as tough as fucking nails. Lee's my dog. I told him we got animal tranquilizers tonight.

This is the pre-surgery show, cocksuckers. I go in tomorrow. Lee picks me up at what time? 4.45? 4.45. 4.45 in the morning? I get admitted at 5.15. They cut me open at 7.

My wife's picking me up at 10. Beautiful. That's it. That's it. And you're home. And I'm home. And then you're taking pills. And then I'm taking pills.

I got she went food shopping today. She turned everything around so the baby don't jump on my fucking leg. And that's it. I go in tomorrow. They hit me with an IV. I talk to them. They don't have to shave nothing.

Are they, are you getting knee scoped? Are you getting scoped? Maniscus, arthritis. They're fixing this little tear on the side. I don't know what it's called. And I go home. I'm home for four fucking weeks. I go to Bray on the 18th.

Nice. And I go to New York on the 25th. New York? Or something like that, yeah. What are you doing in New York? Got them. Nice. Tremendous.

The 11.45 show, like a soldier. Just one? One show a night. One show on Friday or Saturday? That's it. That's it. 11.45. That's the fucking way to do it.

That's the way to do it. I ain't got time to be dilly-dally. What else, Thompson girl, you bad mother fuck, to look at you. That's the best, man. Look at you. Where were you last week? Philly. How hot was it?

Fucking, the basement, yeah, the club was fucking, literally hot. It's like a fucking sauna. The club is great. It's an amazing club, but it's hot. It's an amazing club. The food is great. The people that come from Philly.

The shows are awesome. The shows are always awesome. The guy is a great guy, but he's Jewish. He won't fix the air condition. You know how Jews feel about fixing the air condition? That's a big investment in case we got to burn the joint down. You ever see a Jew, if he burns the joint with a new air

condition, he goes, fuck it, ape shit. He'd rather be tied up and somebody take his ATM card and rip up his 20s. You understand me? I was taking a tie-in him up in Ari and taking their ATM card, and every time a 20 comes out, just rip it one at a time just to see him die. How much does it upset you to fix air conditioning, Lee?

If I had to pay for it, it would piss me off. If I owned a club, I think I'd pay for it. Listen, a Jewish person, let's say a Jewish person has to buy an air conditioning for a building, a Jewish landlord. He will milk that fucking those days. He will milk it. If he could get eight months out of tomorrow,

he should be here. They're sending it from Japan. I don't know what happened. Let me call Hector. Have you heard from him? The train got robbed. If he could fucking, by the way, we're speaking about Jewish here.

I got this fucking Facebook today about Lee, about the flag. Listen, let me explain some to you people. It's a fucking Israeli flag. If you people get upset about an Israeli flag, Lee is a harmless fucking Jew. He doesn't even have any malice in his heart, Lee. Lee would give you-

Oh, people are upset about it? Yeah, they might take the phone. What's some fucking Jericho who has nothing to do with his life? Anybody knows our intention to good. There's an American flag there also. Nobody complains about that. There's a picture of Charles Branson there,

and there's a fucking picture of Clint Eastwood. You know what this spells in here? Balls. So don't be upset. It's just a fucking flag. Are you gonna be mad at me? Get the fuck out of here. It's not even in a shot, either.

Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with people? People wanna bitch at something. There's a free fucking service. Nobody bothers you, nobody makes you do nothing. You don't have to sign nothing. You have to do fucking dick. And I can't believe how much people fucking complain. I got a complaint this weekend in an email.

The guy said that he saw my special, and he was enjoying it until the part where I talk about disabled people. And he was like, because he has MS. And he was like, and then you made me feel badly about it. And I was like, yeah, but you're choosing to feel badly. Like, because other people with disabilities have come up to me and said how they had a good time,

and they laughed at it, because it's a joke. You have to think about intent. What's the intent? And he was like, no, I'm not choosing to feel that way. And I was like, yes, you are. You're choosing to be upset, and you wanna go off on somebody about it, but that's your choice. You're choosing to do that.

They'll probably go to the barbershop and talk about it. Yeah. You know, those are the kind of people that they get enthralled in it. And you're like, I don't understand. Is all you have to do is switch the channel. Yeah, exactly. That's it.

The fucking thing is a fin to get in. It's a five dollars. You waste five dollars on that shit. You eat a fucking McDonald's. Just switch the fucking channel. What do you give a fuck? You know what I'm saying? People always gotta get picked.

And these Americans, all of a sudden, it's a, I gotta tell you, last night I was sitting there. I answered the emails. I had the baby in Lebanon. After dinner, we don't put cartoons on. You do not? No, because we wanted to Line down?

Fucking play, you know, write and play with our toys. So I got a chance to scroll through the TV and I got the chance to watch like seven minutes of VMAs. Oh boy. What has happened to society? What has happened to music? Music is at all time low.

And they all sit together like Rihanna and the fucking Kardashians. And all these people sit together like they all love each other. And they down inside, they hate each other. Then Beyonce, you know, everybody in the world is saying they're getting fucking divorced. And all of a sudden they're on there

and she comes out with the baby. And I told my wife, I go, I don't even want, I don't believe, we live in such a fantasy fucking land. I want to know the cameras that they're putting in as they go away from the camera. You know, that hallway you have to go into. That's where I want the cameras to see her turn around and go, fuck you, you black motherfucker,

give me my baby back. You fuck my sister, you nasty nigga motherfucker. That's what I wanted to see. Not that smile and the fake fucking tear. You know, it's such a fucking fake situation. Miley Cyrus, I love that dirty bitch. I love it till last night. The thing with the homeless little kid.

What'd she do with the homeless kid? She sent some homeless little half a fag up there to say that, you know, Hollywood makes eight billion and there's 1,030 fucking kids on the street. You know what? I wasn't in the fucking street because it was my choice. And so were you. You want to run away from your fucking house

because your dad won't let you go to the fucking prom or whatever the fuck. You see him? You see little kid? He was a half a fucking like homo. I don't even know. And she's in the back crying, you know, jumping up and fucking down.

People compare that to Marlon Brando. No, Marlon Brando did something from his heart. Not because he was going to be on TMZ. Yeah, it was 1970 something. It wasn't because he did it to impress people. It was because Marlon Brando was really fucking crazy. He was really fucking crazy. Did you hear what people are going crazy at night?

About what? Sarah Silverman brought like THC drops on like the Emmy red carpet and everyone's saying it's so amazing. I just thought of you. Like she brought like the dropper of THC drops. And was giving them the people? I don't know.

She took it out like at like an interview apparently. I didn't see it because I was here, but I just thought of Joey like, oh my God, look at her. She's so cool with the reefer. Oh my God. On ABC with a vapor pen or something. That's what it was.

It was a vapor pen. Well, I didn't see it. It's amazing. That Miley Cyrus is terrible, man. That the, they did that profile on her where it was like a documentary. And they were like, you're making such bold decisions. Like you're so bold and like,

and then they go, what'd she do? She was like, yeah, I mean, the thing is like, you just can't care about what somebody thinks. And he's like, okay. And that's her mantra. And then the music has nothing to do with that. It's just like, it's just totally overproduced bullshit. Like there's no like actual musical talent involved

with what we're watching. We're just watching somebody. Not a fucking, you know, music is to the point where there's nobody really doing live music. They're all putting tracks on. And in society, these young kids that pay for that shit, and they go and they feed that shit, 300 dollars for that fucking blonde in Vegas,

you know, whatever her name is, Brittany Spears. That's 300 bucks? Go to Vegas, go online, see what the tickets are for Brittany Spears in Las Vegas. They ain't no 2250, I'll tell you that fucking much. All right, she's got a residency there. Her tickets are three bills, three fucking bills. And you know she's going to lip sync

and you still continue to pay it. So whose fault is that? You know, David Groh has like a big beef with music today. I don't, you know, I read little excerpts. He's mad at the music that they have on that show where people judge you, you know, whatever that's, not the view, but the other fucking one. I don't know the one about singing.

No, the voice. The voice. I know he had a big, then I read an article about three months ago and then Josh Wolf was saying he had a conversation with Dave Groh. And Dave Groh was saying the same thing. And you want me to tell you what's really missing

from music? Drugs. You think so? Yeah, it's gotta make a comeback for these fucking people to be real. They showed some band last night. These guys have never even fucking drank club soda. And that's why they're so uptight.

Listen, when Guns N' Roses. And they're stale and boring. Yeah, oh, boring. You've heard this shit before. Music is fucking horrible. It is fucking horrible. I try to listen to like the fucking, and the rap is fucking horrible.

And that urban shit is fucking horrible. And I grew up on everything. I grew up on country. I grew up on soul music. I grew up on black music. I grew up on fucking Spanish music. And I'll tell you, it's that Spanish rap. Oh, fuck.

No, one of those Mexicans are shooting each other. That is horrific. That is, what is that called? Pitbull? No. Oh, what does he fucking say? Where's his fucking stay? What happened?

It's fucking terrible, that shit. And I'm Spanish. I go to Miami, bro, and I want to shoot myself. Why? The young, the new breed of young. The reggaeton? The reggaeton and all that shit. Come on, we were doing Kweilud instead of fucking club,

fucking standing there holding the wall. What reggaeton? Oh, please. They do need heroin again. They are, no, Guns N' Roses. They need it. They need it in music again. Those guys would do, imagine this,

when they were on world tours at one point for three years in a row, they didn't fucking stop touring the world for a few years. Guns N' Roses. You remember that appetite for destruction in the next album? They would just tour the world. Yes, they would tour the world and then tour the world again.

And they were drinking a handle of fucking jack every night. Each guy. Each guy was fucking just absolutely. Brought the Grammy Awards on ABC, you should have seen them. They were fucked up. They were always fucked up. On heroin? Everything.

On national, put it up on YouTube. The Guns N' Roses, accepting an award in the fucking 80s and 90s, you'd sit there and go, oh my god. But at least they were real. At least they were fucking real. This last night, the scene I seen were Beyonce and Jay-Z. And I've always loved Beyonce. Everybody knows I love Beyonce.

I love Jay-Z too. Somebody's got to fuck somebody after a while. There's too much money involved there. There's too much money, there's too many fucking hoes. And in the black world, they're fucking slippery, those dirty hoes. Pay my bills, all that shit. You wrote that shit, bitch.

You wrote that shit, bitch. You know, what do you think? There's got to be a hot 21-year-old black chick right now that wants that Jay-Z dick. A little apartment in Harlem. What? Close to a Popeyes? What?

Thousands of them like that. What's up? Nothing. Was it 92 maybe? Yeah, go ahead. Do you want to play it? Yeah, look what they fucking look like. Look up.

No, that's music. Accepting a fucking... Yeah, they're walking up to accept the award. What's the music playing? All right, play it, play it, play it. That was a nice tour. We'd like to thank Andy Mohan, Warren Hewlett-Duck, Josh Richmond, Lewis Marciano,

Eddie Rosenzach, Fuck up! Fucking records. Sitting there, laying there. I'm sure there's a lot of other people that I can't remember right now. How many guys have sung last time? Oh yeah, this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.

At least two. At least two. Yeah, there's one guy in the background. Yeah, I think it was like 91, because the album came out in 88. 87, I got sentenced, 88, 88. And fucking... You got sentenced in 88?

Yeah, and that's how I remember that whole... When I got sentenced, the hot video was Sweet Child of Mine. Oh, that was a fucking hot video. Okay, that was the hot video. Already, Welcome to the Jungle was already out. It was Sweet Child of Mine. And once I got locked up, everybody,

every fucking white guy in jail, I had guns and roses fucking. That was the shit, man. That album's fucking amazing. Habitat for Disruption. I used to walk around to that. I had the cassette too, with a fucking Walkman and shit.

Paradise City. Paradise City. Do you think Beyonce knows you? Like, they must know they're cheating, because, of course... Somebody fucked the system. Look, she knows that he's a guy, who's a fucking rapper,

who's worth $500 million. And he gets pussy-thorny, literally from while he's asleep, until the next day, when he goes to sleep again. And that he can't... And he's fucking, you know, touring all over the world too.

I think it's... She knows that she can probably resist more than he can, for sure. Cause I mean, I've been to like, the comedy shows and girls. Like, that girl at the fucking steakhouse came up to you, just to, and like, it's easy, like when it's not that often,

like you guys are only on the road for like, a little weekend. But like, I can't imagine NBA players and baseball players. It's amazing. Girls, they know what hotels they stay at. Girls in those towns, know what hotels they're staying at, what teams, what bars they go to.

And that's what they fucking do. Fuck. That's the most pussy-crushing that goes on. Like baseball players? Basketball. Basketball. Basketball, for sure. I think so.

Yeah. I think baseball would probably be next. Cause this is so, so long of a season. The long ass season, you travel, and you go to those same towns for like, multiple, so you get your fucking regular squeezes in. You know what I mean? They're playing that division game a few times.

And baseball, they're like, you know, they're not even fucking tired after the game. They're like, I fucking stood on third for half of the afternoon, they go back. Now they want to work out. Basketball, though, those guys are all about fucking crushing it, dude. And those chicks are trying,

half of them are trying to get pregnant. Like, that's the whole fucking game. Like they'll pick up condoms out of the trash. Or at least to get dirt on them, to get some kind of money. So, and you get these, and they're like, you know, they wait, they'll fucking bring room service to you. These girls are like,

they're sneaky, man, in the NBA world. They'll fucking, they'll bring you the room service you ordered. Jesus. Do you ever get it? Cause I mean, everyone knows that you guys are married. I don't know if you talk about it in your act or not, but I mean, it just, they put pictures of like,

Jay-Z next to Beyonce. Everyone knows he's married to Beyonce, but they just don't care. It's a different thing, man. They're superstars. They're not, it's not like they're, you know, I think it's, he's a rapper. Like they know that rappers are not like, you know,

like trying to be upstanding and he's a fucking rapper, man. He talks about beating it up and tossing it out. And it's like, you know, I'll give you that sweet, that gushy, that, like that's a fucking rap lyric of his beating it up. I think it's different, man. When you're a musician and you're a world,

I mean, he's world famous. You can, you can take him anywhere in the world. It's different. People are super attracted to fame. You know, if he wasn't famous, it'd be way different, man. And there's a lot of freaks out there. There's a lot of women that want to fuck. There's a lot of women that want to fuck a celebrity,

you know, a Jay-Z type. That's a huge get. He's, you know, he's a gazillionaire. You know, I mean, they're going through whatever. There's a lot of people out there with that pussy that want to ruin a life, you know. It's different. That's the only chance you take.

So it's got to be some man that's staff. They got to do it the right way. I mean, where's Jay-Z going to go in New York that somebody's not going to know Jay-Z? Nowhere. Okay, so Jay-Z goes. He probably has guys that their job is to like line up his pussy for him.

You know what I mean? That's a pretty good job. And go to your mother's house. Like, when I go to Boston, I'm going to give your mom a plane ticket out of town. You're going to get the house fixed up. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have a chick sent over there

and fuck her at your house. I'm going to go over there and wait here. You're going to go out the back door. I'll give you $5,000. I'm going to give a fuck. I'm worth $10 billion fucking dollars. What do I give a fuck? And that's the only way,

but all that trickery has to get tired. Yeah, that's exactly it. It has to get tired. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just meet somebody and hide and take a car. All that for, I come in a minute.

You know, all that for eating your ass, you know, and then having to go home and miss you. And then you start getting a boyfriend now. Fucks with my situation at my house because now you want that. That's not worth it. That always evolves. Yeah.

Only a 21 year old would fall for that. A young man would fall for that. You know what it's about, man? It's about energy. I wouldn't have the energy to keep up with that shit. And that's what I'm always amazed by when guys who do that, who have like the fucking six girls,

I'm like, just when they tell me about it, I'm like, this sounds fucking exhausting. Yeah. You have fucking five girlfriends and then two others that don't know about the, I'm like, that whole world is like your whole, like they put so much energy into that. I don't know how they get anything else done.

You know what I mean? Like that's their whole life. Yeah. I always felt, I didn't have a lot of friends like that, but I had like three or four of them. And I always kind of felt bad for them because I always knew that one, they were gonna get nailed and this comes to an end.

Yeah. And two, you're gonna pay for your sins and now you're gonna get done on the other side. Yeah. You know, I was in a jacuzzi. Had to be somewhere to four seasons. I was a Joe or something like that. And I went to a jacuzzi and I was a guy

and I think I thought after our fourth conversation, he told me that his wife was cheating on him for 20 years. Fuck man. 20 years. And here's the funny thing, she worked for a doctor. He's a doctor. They all went on vacations together and while they were on vacations, they would cheat.

Wow. The guy was telling me all this and it's like they were married. And he goes, I don't know what to do. I'm old now. I don't know whether I should keep her or what. And I thought, I always thought about that conversation. Now, what the fuck?

I mean, what, 20-something years you're cheating on. That'd be devastating to fucking here, man. That'd be devastating. Like you just ruined a fucking life. That guy's gonna die with that on his fucking mind. But his wife cheated on him for 20-something years. That dies, she's definitely gonna die in a house blaze or something.

I mean. And it's getting more accepted. You've heard of Tinder, right? Have you heard of Joey, like the dating app where you just swipe if you think they're hot? Like they have things now and it's like, people put on Twitter like, oh, I have a side chick. And I keep my phone out all the time

when I'm at home. I just have it out next to me. And if Paula sees it, she's gonna look at like, if I had to constantly be worried about someone texting me. See, that would consume you. Yeah. Yeah, of course. And it's, I mean, I can understand

where if someone's out on the road a lot, they have needs, but it's just like, why even get married then? Like all these people getting split, like why even get married? Listen, man, we're all, we're sinister, right? That's the thing, we're all weak. There comes a point where they're weak.

You know, today I got in the car and I got home and my wife was working because I told my wife, I don't wanna stay in tonight because I'm gonna be in the next three fucking nights. You know, next two nights. I'm not good at staying in the whole fucking day. I'm good at staying in the morning. I'm writing jokes or I'm making phone calls.

After a while, I gotta get the fuck out of the house. And I said, you know, let's go eat something. I'm gonna go walk into the car. You know, Mercy weighs 20 something fucking pounds. I'm carrying it, my wrist is hurting, my knee hurts. I'm putting her in her car seat and I'm thinking to myself, what would I do to blow this? Right, a line of coke.

Eating some 20 year old girl's pussy for five fucking minutes and coming out of her neck. And then she's gonna tweet me for 18 fucking days straight. You know, what's gonna change this? What could change that? For some guys, that's not enough. That's not enough, you know? I knew early on, I got cheated on when I was young.

I knew that wasn't for me. That feeling I got from being cheated on, I knew I never wanted to give that to somebody. So I knew it wasn't for me. Then there was another flip to that coin. If I have a friend, listen, you wanna cheat on your girlfriend. She deserves to be cheated on, I don't fucking know. But once we're talking about wives,

if I have a friend that cheats on his wife, I really can't hang out with that dude. Even when I was a criminal. Because I knew if he rolled on his wife, he'd definitely roll on me. If he had no dedication to whoever sucked his dick, because my dedication to whoever sucked my dick. You understand me?

I don't know about you, I'm an ugly dude. I don't get my dick sucked a lot, but my point being that that was how I thought, that was how I thought from a street perspective, that this guy's cheating on his best friend. This guy's definitely gonna roll on me. I'm keeping this fucking light on why I know no business, because I know it.

So that was the mentality I came from. I'm not gonna tell you, I don't like my dick getting sucked. You do a show, you bump into a curtain, some chick is sucking dick through a curtain, your dick accidentally goes in her mouth, like the peanut butter commercial, your chocolate one of my peanut butter. What just happened?

This shit happens, shit happens. Sometimes a woman wants to smoke a pole, she's walking around on her knees, a short guy, my zipper's open. I don't fucking know, but nobody's in the city and say that we haven't had thoughts or whatever. Every man is weak.

The thing I don't want is making the call and hooking up with somebody. And having to go home and tell a lie, and then you have it on your back. For months I was in that testosterone, and I heard all these people telling me, how there's hot Asian chicks giving massages and sucking a dick for $150.

I'll borrow $150, I'll do it, fuck. And I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it as much as I would go by that place. They said it by Di Agostino, by the ha-ha, they got a place there with Asian chicks that would stick their tongue up your ass with a saran wrap and disgusting, I heard. I heard that fucking disgusting.

You heard the conversation with Red Van. Oh yeah, Red Van said he put a baggie around his dick. Yeah, and another guy was telling me that he goes there in the afternoon and for a buck and a quarter, the chick let him fucking eat her pussy. And I'm like, why would you want to eat this chick's notch? And he was telling me that it was Asian,

it was different from, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Then get yourself a clean agent. You're sucking, you're eating fucking massage parlor pussy on Lancashire. Do you know what's gonna fucking happen to your teeth? A dentist won't even be able to solve that fungi on the fucking teeth. That fucking Lancashire dick fungi on your fucking teeth,

that you can't wash that off with toothbrush and co-gate. Co-gate ain't gonna fucking bail you out, neither is Listerine, that shit's there for good. Yeah, you're right, though, man. You can't roll with that, dude. I know guys, but you can't hang with that guy, you know? If he's like the fucking, the guy who's always lying to his wife.

And on top of that, I know the building's about to fall on top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were talking about shit right before. As soon as I see Shugnite walk into a restaurant, I get to the check. In fact, I might even dine and dash, because I know the building's about to fucking come down.

Exactly, exactly. The building's about to come down. I asked that motherfucker where he was on 9-11. I gotta tell you that motherfucker was standing out there with an umbrella. You know what I'm saying? That's the type of luck that fucker's got. Shugnite's a fucking, you know,

he's just got to kiss a debt on him. You know, those guys go involved in something. When you're involved in something and all that level, it's like when I got in trouble with Kent Vella, at the time I kidnapped Kent, I wouldn't have thought I was gonna get in trouble. But now in hindsight, there was too many moving pieces.

Do you ever think about that if you did that crime today, like the exact same crime in 2014, wouldn't it be way more severe, your punishment? Yes? Like if you did the exact same thing right now, I thought it would be more severe. I think jail might not have been as easy. The severity, well at this age, no.

At this age, no. You're only going to a fucking jungle into a medium. Remember anything over like four years, they're gonna put you into a medium level. Medium level, you got some heavy duties in there. You got some heavy duties that are on their way back. People who were up on the high tiers were going down in time.

They had 12 years, they got six left, they had no problems. They're still the same human being. But do you think the sentence would be the same if you did that today? Would the sentence be the same? Yeah, today. That's what I was thinking.

No, it was a different time. There was different mitigating circumstances. There was a lot of what ifs. He did this, you know, I left it open. They couldn't figure it out. They couldn't figure me out. That's, if I wouldn't have had the things I had going for me, a job, no prior convictions.

So no priors wouldn't this happen? No, I had arrests, big difference. I'm a man without convictions. At the time I had been convicted of one misdemeanor, which was a six months deferred sentence, which meant if I didn't get arrested in those six months, boom, it fell off my record. But it wasn't a violent crime, right?

No, it was a pot crime in New York in January, February. I got convicted in March of 83. So after, and it was New York, which means six months probation is really, after 90 days, he told me, don't ever call him again. You're so busy. I went to see him.

And when I went to see him, I go, listen, this ain't even, we don't even have to shake hands. I said, what are you talking about? I'm moving to Colorado with your permission on the 25th. And he goes, you're absolutely right. He goes, this is what we're gonna do. Just call me every month on the 10th.

He goes, why are you wasting my time and your time? You're leaving anyway, Corinne. Yeah, he didn't even ask me for my transfer. He could have stopped it, could he have stopped it if he wanted to? He could have said, you have to wait till the six months. I want you to take a drug program. At that time, drug programs weren't intact yet.

See, now they have drug programs. So now if Lee gets, leaves here tonight and he gets caught with a grandma blow, okay? His attorney's gonna go, first thing tomorrow morning, they're gonna grab Lee, a good Jew attorney. He's gonna grab Lee after bail and throw him in a rehab. First thing. He's not even gonna make fucking his first, whatever.

Fuck it, he was dabbing that type. That's what a smart attorney would do. That's what a smart attorney would do. Grab Lee, first offense. No DUI, throw him into a fucking, they might give him a driving under the influence. Throw him into a rehab for 30 days, come out, then go in front of the judge

and work the process that way. There's gotta be a program where first time offenders, if they have no police record, they think that they're never gonna have a rate of recidivism, they'll give you like four year probation. Which is a death sentence also. Because that means if you do anything in four years, like Chris Brown, you're in there again.

That's the problem when you get sentenced to those probation. Don't do it, don't get that fucking grandma go. So a lot of people go, fuck it, I'll take the year in jail. Cause I don't wanna do four years of probation. Really? A lot of people. Fuck!

They don't wanna live under a magnifying glass. It's life is tough enough out there. I gotta walk around with a probation officer, pissing the bottle. You gotta got, when I got out of prison, I got put on a community correction. That sucked dick. And after I fucked up,

Lee, they would come to my house at 11 o'clock at night. Mr. Diaz, we know you're there. Both your cars, come on down please. Come down, open the door. I have a sheriff with me. We're going inside together year in test. 11 o'clock at night. Really?

And this is in, what is it? Boulder. In Boulder, wow. This was in Boulder. Now when I got arrested for the kidnap, my first mistake was the lawyer told me, I was checking the rehab first thing tomorrow morning. I'm like, fuck that, I ain't got a coke problem.

Didn't claim responsibility. But with the claim responsibility right there and gone to the rehab for 30 days, I would have came on into a different situation. They couldn't have questioned me. They couldn't have, you follow me, that's the other end of the coin. They can't get to you.

They can't get to you. Now it gives us a little time to get our action. These are the moves when you have the money and the finances. A lot of people when you're doing drugs, a dollar to come out of your pocket, there's a dollar that comes out of your nose. You're not gonna put money up to get help.

But a smart player goes to a rehab. It's like my friend, whenever he used to get in trouble with kids, he shot somebody or he got caught burning a house one time, he fakes a heart attack. Because that gives you three days. It's an old Jew trick. They got heart attack?

You fake a heart attack. You have to talk to nobody for three days, you know what I'm saying? They gotta wait till you come back. They'll put a cop outside your door, but your attorney can still go in there and chit chat with you when the cop's coming. We need to talk to him. He's not ready yet.

You got a heart attack. Get out of here. You're gonna stress him. They don't want to stress your heart. You can sue. Don't follow me. You know what's that movie with Clint Eastwood, The Enforcer? No.

With Clint Eastwood walks right into a fucking restaurant and the mafia's having a dinner. And he walks right up on the ground. He goes, hey, what I have in my hand is a subpoena. Tomorrow morning you're gonna go to jail for the murder of Lisa Yad. And for that girl, you're here sitting with your daughter. Why don't you tell your family how you raped that girl

and then dragged her and put her in the trunk of a car and killed her. There's a subpoena. I'll see you in court tomorrow night. It's coming back. And he throws a subpoena. The guy grabs his heart, has a heart attack. The brother-in-law takes that to blank sheet of fucking paper.

You know what I'm saying? Fucking deadly. It's one of those enforcers. One of those dirty Harrys. It's one of those dirty Harrys. So it's amazing the tricks you could fucking play. Yeah, that's the other thing, the smart move. You know when celebrities fuck up,

like when they make a big public fuck up, it's always straight to rehab, no matter what. Straight to rehab. If they say, you know, they say something, like the recorded commerce, like Mel Gibson, you know, then they're like, he's got a problem. He's gonna go to rehab now. It's just that tactic to like buy yourself.

But now people see through it. Like when celebs do it, like when they say something crazy or racist, then they're like, I'm going to rehab. Then people now are like, that's fucking bullshit, man. That's such bullshit. We know it's a move. We were going deep time.

It's over. Speaking of, I can't do anymore then. All of us will eat this thing. Speaking of celebs, Tom just ran into Mike Tyson. Mike did. Yeah. We ran into everybody. You ran into what's his name?

The rapper a couple of weeks ago too. Big Daddy Kane. What'd you run into him at? Dude, this was crazy. For Kane, I talk about him in my special and I have a bit where I talk about seeing him and yelling out to him. And they put it on YouTube.

So I tweeted him like, hey man, did you see this? And he wrote back, it's hilarious. Somebody told me about it. So I thought it was cool and that that was it. You know, he tweeted me back. And then like two days later, I'm home and I get a voicemail. Like I walk to the car and I see I got a voicemail

and I check it and it's Big Daddy Kane. He's like, what's up, Tom? I'm chilling over at your boy Russell's house, Russell Peters. So then Russell texted me. He's like, Kane's over here right now. Come over to my house and I was like, get the fuck out. So I drove over there. Couldn't, he could not be a cooler dude.

He told me that his engineer, you know, that he like in the studio saw the bit and told him about it and that a bunch of people have but he couldn't have been and now I tweet with him like all the time. He's just a, he's a cool dude, man. What about Tyson, what did you bump into outside? On a flight, on a flight from LA to Pittsburgh.

And man, people go nuts when they see Tyson. People go nuts. And he's great. He's fucking, he's gracious that he shook everybody's hand. Everybody. He's very fucking. And you know what? What you see is that the amount of people,

you know, like every, like people that are Joey Diaz fans. Yeah, there's a wide variety or let's, you know, let's take another like a, another actor or artist or athlete. There's like, but there's that range of person that's like your fan with Tyson, old white ladies, fucking teenage black kids, 45 year old white guys. In other words, everybody wants to say something to him.

It's not just who, like, you know, a certain demographic. It's the whole fucking world boarding the plane, stopped and said something. They held up the fucking line to board where the flight attendant was like, you have to keep, you have to keep moving. And they're like, I want to talk to Mike. Like,

I can't believe they didn't board him last. Well, you know, what are you going to do? Like they can't really do anything. So they, yeah, we're rushing, you know. How funny is that? He got convicted of rape and went to prison. There's some of my people that get convicted of rape to have a power over people and they walk over a room.

Mother fuckers like that too. I got to shake his fucking ass. I got to get his fucking autograph. I doubt they brought that up when they were saying hi. They did. Damn, that motherfucker. These old white guys were kissing his ass. Yeah, it's amazing.

I've seen him at UFC. I've seen him when that whole thing came. When he first went to a UFC, how people going nuts, people, and I love him. He's an interesting guy, man. He's a very interesting guy. It's amazing that he's prevailed. It is.

It's amazing that he's had 22 lives. He's had tremendous pain. He lost a kid at his house. Guys, you have no idea. He lost his father, his family, his train. He was sexually abused. That guy's always got a fucking smile on his face. And yeah, they got him on medication or whatever.

When he's around too, you don't know. Sometimes you're looking at him going, man, this guy might snap if he snaps. He's got that look in his eye. He's got that look in his eye. And by the way, he could still fucking wreck somebody. Really? He's in shame?

He's not in good shape for him. He'd consider himself out of shape right now, but he still has the power. Dude, you see it. I mean, you can see. First of all, when he moves, it just moves his arm. He has an enormous, enormous. But you know, he's got the walk.

Like the walk comes from, it's like a power way of walking. He throws his hips the same way you get power in a punch. You know, it's from, it's all from the lower body. And he literally, he walks, it looks like a fucking pit bull. You know that he could absolutely, if you want to. And he needs his two shots against you. But you might put your hand up and catch the one and he'll just hit you in the chest.

And the air's gonna go out of your chest. But he's gonna come up with that fucking left hook. And that's it. And that's it for you. And you know, that's the people that were fighters that got used to it. Guys like me and you, we just go down. It's all, you just stop bleeding internally.

I was talking, I talked to him about fighting for a while. He came to my show. That's the other thing. He started playing and then he came to the show. It's fucking bananas. That's cool. Yeah, that's cool. And he hung out in the green room

and fucking, we just talked about fighting. But I was talking to somebody about, you know, he was trained by Customado. And then the other guy that was like in the ring with him all the time is Teddy Atlas who calls fights now on like ESPN. He's great. He's fantastic.

And they were saying that somebody asked him, I guess on one of these shows like, so was Tyson like, like this just natural, like Savant fighter, like a prodigy, like just he got in the ring and just knew how to fight. And they said that, you know, he was, he was powerful as shit. That is natural, but he was getting hit a lot.

He was getting hit all the time. And then they told, they said that when we taught him how to slip punches and then when he learned that nobody wanted to fight him anymore. Like nobody wanted to spar with him anymore. Once he knew how to slip punch cause he was getting hit a lot. Yeah.

But once he knew how to slip punches, they were like, we had to like fucking bust people in to fight them because everybody around there was like, oh no, I'm good, man. Like that was- Do they have these on tape somewhere? Cause I've never seen a Mike Tyson. I know all of them are using clips,

but like an entire Mike Tyson fight, do they have like reels? Oh yeah. I would love to see that somewhere. Oh yeah, man. You can, dude, YouTube has- YouTube hours. Okay.

Apple fights. Hours. YouTube has a guy that probably put together just his knockouts to get you started. Oh yeah, yeah. Just his knockouts to get you started. And that's, you know, I got addicted to Roberto Duran on YouTube.

For a year. Do you want to hear this? Go ahead. Okay. So, well, first of all, you know, I meet him on the plane and he couldn't be nicer. Roberto Duran. No, no, no, no, Tyson, Tyson.

And we, anyways, I talked to him for a while on the plane and I give him my number and he ends up texting me and then calling me and then coming to the show in Pittsburgh, which is fucking bananas. That's bananas, yeah. And then we're in the green room and we're talking about, you know, I'm just, I can't believe him fucking,

he came to my show. I'm just talking, I'm just like asking him questions. And then we talk about workouts. And I was like, you know, his workouts, if you want to see something insane, it's like him work, just a gym workout when he's like 18, 19, 20, 21, they're the most, they're bananas, okay.

Like jump rope with the bag and then speed back. Like, and then the sit ups. Like this guy worked out. It's just like, you can't even wrap your head around it. I told him I was watching also, because different, you know, all those boxers are just tremendous fucking, they're amazing athletes.

Roy Jones Jr. do it. And then Tyson goes, now man, my guy is Roberto Durand. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah, that's my guy. That's your school of thought. Roberto Durand was a school of thought. And it's, you could see the people who, you could see Tennyson people.

You could see Dice people. You could see that I'm from the Dice School of Thought. I'm also from the Rodney Dangerfield School of Thought. Even though I love Bill Hicks or whatever, he's from the Roberto Durand School of Thought, which is to go in there and fucking kill you. It's a different savage. And I know that the workouts, like I read the Durand book

and you know, I knew a lot of people who knew Durand and it was fucking crazy. And yeah, he's got the reputation for no months, but there's more behind that story. Yeah, what do you think happened to boxing? Is like, these fighters took over the country, like Ali, Dice and all these people. And now it's just nowhere.

It's just almost gone. You know, it's all peaks and valleys. You know, and what was it in the comedy? Was the comedy boom was the mid-80s? Yeah, through the 80s. And it started, the death started in like early, like 91, 92 was when it was close to that. Everything goes peaks and valleys.

Then it came back in 2000 for 10 years. It was dead. Boxing, it seems like it's been done a little longer. It has been, yeah. 10 years, you know. You know what you need, man? You need an awesome, like if Floyd Mayweather, who's, by the way, huge draw still sells huge tickets,

but if he was a heavyweight, we are just obsessed with bigger and better. Bigger is always, if he was as good as he is, a heavyweight boxing would be even like way more popular. You love a heavyweight. I guess that's kind of the same in UFC, everyone. Everyone likes the John Dodson and like the small guys, but everyone comes out for the like light heavyweighting up

or middleweighting up, I guess. They want to see it, man. They want to see it. Do you see the ads that are out for like, it's like knockout boxing. It's like a tiny ring. It's just circle and they just, there's no space. So like all they can do is just throw

handmakers at each other. It's on, it's been on TV for a pay-per-view. It's crazy. Really? It's just, it's a small ring. There's no cage. There's no ropes. So it's just-

Yeah, the other thing, sorry to cut you off, but about a guy like Tyson too, is that he knew how popular he was and he knew that people wanted to see a show. He was aware of that. And a lot of guys who fight these days, you'll see like a lot of things about boxers now is like, I mean, but you know, a good boxer does,

you know, learn, learn your style, learn what you're doing and adapt and try to, try to attack your weaknesses. But Tyson on top of having that skill was still aware that like, not only is this arena full, but millions and millions of people, I'm gonna put like, I'm gonna go for it because I know people wanna see the knockout.

So even if he doesn't get it, he would go for the knockout because he knows that part of it is being a showman. That's part of being a world-class prize fighter. Is it's a show. You know, you wanna see, you don't wanna watch a guy dance for fucking 10 rounds, do you?

No. I don't see a guy just fucking slip in and fucking run around the ring. I wanna see him go for the knock. That's when everyone stands up. I don't know anything about boxing, but that's one of the criticisms that I heard of Mayweather Jr.

is that his past few fights, he wins, but it's just he wins because he's a smarter boxer than something. He's the most skilled in that class, I think by far. I think he's the most, so he has the skills to do whatever he wants. I think the older he gets, the more he definitely wants to keep that zero

in the loss column. And even though he could go in there and just trade punches and probably end up doing some severe dance, maybe even knock people out or down at least, I think as he knows the career is winding down, the zero in the loss column becomes more precious. And you go like, dude, I wanna go down as no losses.

I think that's in his head. You know, it's funny how he's fighting Canelo next. Again. Yeah, yes, yes, you're right. Yes, it is. And it's- No, Canelo just fought. Right, right, right.

I'm sorry, he's fighting the guy. He's rematching the guy, the Argentinian. Marquez? No. No, who's he fighting? Lee Sian. I'm gonna look for him. Yeah, he's rematching that dude

that took him to 14 rounds or 15 rounds. That was a great fight, the Argentinian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but it's funny how when I was growing up- Madonna? Madonna, yeah, Madonna. It was like, you know, you had Durand and Sugar Ray Leonard and Thomas Hearns and, you know, Marvin Hagler.

And it just did this whole Alexis Arguello. You had these personalities. And yes, Muhammad Ali was still there, you know? But you had, it seems like it's not like that in boxing. You have three or four guys that you're basically interested in that you know of and you do. That's how I feel. That's how I am with boxing.

I know the Kisco- Kletchko guys, the brothers, yeah. The Kletchko brothers, I know. But that's Pacquiao. It sounds crazy, but like, well, part of it is that we're speaking as Americans in America, but we need Americans in the, whatever's the biggest thing in the division

for whatever sport to be the best for America to be into. Wow, yes. If Team USA got to the final, like, won for sure, but if they even got to the finals of the World Cup, you would see a crazy boost. There's a boost that happened. More people than ever in this country watched that. Like the World Cup became more interesting to them

and soccer and you saw the interest go up. I saw more people than ever talking about it and watching those. If that team were to go on further, you would see something crazy happen. And the same thing happens with that. The Kletchko's are bad for American fans of boxing because ultimately they don't give a shit.

We know who they are, but no one cares. You know what I mean? Like we need Americans to fucking dominate for us to be really excited about it. That's true. That's true. And I noticed that even at UFC matches, like I've always said the Christmas card,

the New Year's card after Christmas Day, that card has to be a little bit more American than most of the cards throughout the year. A lot of people go to Vegas, they buy tickets just to go see the UFC and they know. You want the Chuck Liddell's on that card. You want the Captain America on that card. You want the Rich Franklin's on that card.

For which show? For which one? The Christmas show, one after December 20th. This year, it's January 2nd. But they usually have a December 29th show, December 28th. If you look at those throughout the year, for those to really be good, you have to stop touching the mic.

Somebody keep touching the mic. I heard baboon, baboon, move your cell phones away from the fuckin' mics and shit. And I've noticed it, that on those cards throughout the year, they can have Brazilians headline that card. But for that December 29th, they always like Ron DeRousey and Gina Carano would do great on that card. This year, now it's Kormir against John Jones.

That's a well-known, you follow me, but they'll have Gina Carano and whatever. They want that on that. So it's just amazing, the difference. And when you go to the UFC's, you hear people chanting. And I forget sometimes, you ask them, like, what the fuck are they chanting? Oh, he's fighting a Brazilian guy,

he's fighting a Chinese guy. Well, you'll see it too, if you do the road one. Like, I've gone to one in Australia, and I've gone to one in Canada. And whenever they obviously bring out the fighter from that country, the place goes nuts, which makes total sense. I don't mind if they go nuts,

it's when it's not going, you as the UFC. Well, that's different. And now they pull a little fight in Chinese guy in the UFC, he's feeling bad. He's in a ring by himself. You feel bad about that? I really do, it embarrasses me. Like, he's our guest.

And you're making them fucking feel bad. Let me see you fly 12 hours from your country without an octopus next to you, whatever the fuck they eat. And then you go to Vegas, and you gotta fucking lose 10 pounds, and you gotta walk, and you gotta fight some guy. And while you're fighting, people are yelling USA. And you're from little fucking Hong Kong,

you know, you're five foot six. You know what I'm saying? You were trained to be a butler, and here you are, you're yelling fucking USA, USA. So it bothers the fuck out of me when I go to those things. I'm like, really? I always get uncomfortable

just at that chant, honestly, anywhere. Like that took, for some reason, you know, maybe it's like some weird like thing about if you're when you're from like the most powerful country in the world to hear people chant it at like bar, I get uncomfortable with it, you know what I mean? Like I just do. Even obviously in this country, when people are like,

I feel like it's almost obnoxious like to be. Makes me feel bad, you know what I'm saying? I just feel badly. What if he's a little Jew kid, he's in there boxing? He's a little fucking, like Lee. Like Lee, nice kid, he just be, you know. Your buddy Bisping kicked ass this past weekend. I didn't even get to see the whole thing,

but just I saw the end. Oh my God, Connelly, you know, we were talking about that with Rich Franklin last week. Connelly's 43 years old. Your body is one thing. Yeah. You know, you never really want to accept your age. You always accept one in great shape for 51. Great.

Great. That doesn't mean I'm going to go fight somebody. Yeah. You know, when you're, I think after a certain age, I gotta tell you something, by looking at his face, my thing comes right in. His vision, his hand to coordination was completely fucking off. Well, Bisping took speed tablets

and you can't see his fucking hands. Look at his face. Nobody could punch you that many fucking times. Unless you, and Pearl, I'm telling you, your reactions go after a certain age. You think your hand's here, but it's really fucking down here. You know, he's 40 fucking two years old.

Okay, how many TRT shots you take? Let's just stick them out in your fucking eyeballs. You can see through walls. They ain't going to fucking help you. You know what I'm saying? So, I mean- Do you feel your hand-eye coordination change? No, but I know it did.

I know I still can't steal a basketball from you. You know, when I was fucking 16, I could like to lift the ball from me. If you were dribbling, so it's left your hand, I'm on you. I got your shorts, you're dead. I can't do that now. I can't do that.

I was telling the jiu-jitsu guy yesterday, and he goes, that's a great pass. I do this tackle pass. And he goes, you have to, you're really getting good at it. That's all I got. Oh my God, I'm 51. I can't move my foot to drop the knee in your belly. I can't do that.

I'm trying, and you flip me right over. All I got is the tackle pass. That means I put your fucking ankles together and I put this shoulder on your knees and I work you up like a spider. And then I try to choke you, go for your fucking arm before I lay on you for 15 minutes and get my oxygen back.

You know, I'm not gonna lie to nobody here, but that's what works for me at this age. Sure, I'm 300 pounds. If I tackle pass you and pin your knees down and put my shoulder into you, I got you. You're trying to fight me sideways. It ain't gonna work. I got your legs, it's over.

I took your legs from you. Now I lay on top of you until you huff and puff and I start going for your fucking arm. Whoever huffs and puffs first the most. There was a puddle of sweat under my head. I kept looking at it. I was laying on top of the guy, but I was sideways and the sweat was hitting.

And I looked down and it was fucking three inches of moisture. Jiu-jitsu, you sweat so fucking much. Plus it was brandy fucking degrees. Have you done it, Lee? No, I haven't. I just started working out like two months ago. Lee's on the elliptical, he's a purple belt on the elliptical again.

Is that what you're doing, elliptical? That's what I've been doing for now, but then- You ready for another animal? You're not looking high enough, dog. But there was like a group on deal for like 25 classes, no, 15 classes for 25 bucks right down the street.

So, and Joey's been telling me to do new stuff cause it's gonna get boring. And it is a little bit, I mean, cardio has been working for me so far, but I figure in 15 kettlebell classes I could learn the basic technique and then do it on my own. Is that what you're doing?

Yeah, I mean, I haven't taken a class yet, but- That's what you're going to do. Yeah, I'm gonna try to. Just, I was on teams a little bit in high school, but I was never good. It was just, I was just doing it. So, a little bit of exercise, played one, I played freshman year of football, and then I wrestled.

Yeah, fuck yeah, Lee. But it was- Was you playing football? Fucking nothing. I never, I didn't play when I was a little kid. And the first time I ever went was freshman year and I was terrible. I think I played like two plays the entire year,

but it was just, I don't know. Was they put you on the line? Of course. I mean, I wasn't this big and I can't run, but it was, and I was always terrible at sports. Where was this? What city? Right outside of Boston, like 45 minutes outside of Boston.

And the school was terrible at football. But- Did you get fucking rekt? Do you remember? No, I mean, a couple times during practice and then, okay. So, one time during football practice, I almost thought I was gonna puke and I pretended I did so I could get out of the rest of the practice.

So that just, it wasn't for me. But when I first started working out a couple months ago, the first time I lifted it a little bit past, like the first day I did it, I slept for 15 hours. The first time I went over, I tried pushing myself, I had to sit in the gym locker room for like 10 minutes because I was sure I was gonna puke. Really?

Yeah, oh yeah. And this is in, how, this is two weeks ago. This is two weeks ago? Like a month and a half ago, yeah. But no, it's crazy how much I can do now and it's a lot of fun, but it's just, I was never good at it. And I know my kids are gonna be terrible at it,

but I think it's important to do sports and I think even if you're gonna be bad at it. Yeah, of course. Cause like, I was always a bigger kid, but I didn't battle that cause you never gave it a chance. No, I was just, I was battled everything, but you had to give it a chance. I was horrible at fucking basketball in my sixth grade yet.

I'm a short Jew, what do you want me to play? We don't do anything. Horrible, you gotta be good at something. No. We go lifting weights, a strength team. We gotta put you on a squat team. The one thing I was happy with is I never really got pinned in wrestling.

I was always able to kind of like sneak out. I would lose a lot, but I would sneak out the whole time. But do you guys have like plays you remember? I remember I was in like second grade and the highlight of my baseball career was, one, I hit a triple one game and then once at second base, the guy hit it right into my glove.

I didn't even have to move my hand. I don't know. I have like vivid, cause I have so little sports. Oh, that's why. For sure. I remember that plays for the same reason. I remember plays because our bank of them is- It's so tiny.

Well, I mean, I have like basically a bank from like fourth grade through high school. But then if you talk to somebody that played college or professional, obviously like, they're bank of memories, you know? But like, I vividly remember like certain, I remember getting my, actually a guy, like the first like, not just a big strong guy,

but savvy, you know what I mean? By savvy, like this dude actually figured out, most of the high school level, you're not talking about like, it's just like your pure ability. It's like, are you a really good athlete? Are you a mediocre athlete? And then you're just using your athlete.

But some guys are like, like tacticians and it's really rare at that age. I remember this guy just being able to like, read what I did. And then I remember one of his moves like, was just to give you a head slap over your ear hole. And he was a big- In football?

Yeah, man. Those ring differently. Those fucking hurt so much more than like, somebody throwing a shoulder or arm into your chest. Like he gave me the head slap on the side and I was like, what the fuck? And he knew what he was doing, you know? And like he knew, like he led me into it even.

Like he like, walked me into it and then came around with his big long fucking arm. He was probably 6'6, you know? Like 6'5, 6'6 and a big kid for a fucking high school kid like 270, like he was a big guy. And those guys like, you don't, you don't see that every, like in high, not every high school team has that fucking guy, you know?

Where he's not just like a big strong kid, but he knows like the insides of like, how to figure out what you're doing. It's really rare. Yeah. I was terrible. Really? I was terrible in basketball, I was terrible in baseball.

Listen, the worst thing is to be is bad in baseball when you're Cuban. Okay, and I joined the North Bergen leagues. I joined the Stickball leagues in New York. I was good in New York. The problem I always had growing up. And we never talked, so it's great. I had a big problem, like I was great in practice.

Yeah. But I was horrible in games. So with baseball- Did you get nervous? I don't know what it was. With baseball, I remember my highlight of baseball was winning the ball at a Red Berries baseball camp in Miami one summer.

I won the in-leaguer of the week. Like I was the best, but- Camper, yeah. Not the camper, not the best in the team, but for the week, I was the best infielder. Oh, okay. I was the first baseman, and I got two balls, and I threw a guy out at second, and I got three hits.

But then when I go to North Bergen, I'd strike out, and balls would go between my legs. And then I tried basketball, and I was fucking horrible at that. And then I got into football. And football, I showed a little promise when it was 13 to 15, because I couldn't play in high school,

because I was always 143. You couldn't weigh more than 135. What? So, yeah, in high school, you had one, not high school, grammar school, yeah. The Eagles and the Red Radars. So you had to be 125 and 135 for the Radars.

I was always tall and lanky, so I couldn't fuck. And then my bones were heavy, so I didn't fuck. You know Joey Diaz, tall and lanky. Did you see the picture? You saw Texas of course. No, no, no, no, no. He saw a real picture. Oh, another one, okay.

With my needle shoulders. I used to have that on my freshman year. And then again, freshman year, I went out, and I sucked in football. But I tell you where I started to break out, Karate. I would go to Karate, and I went to Karate so much during the week that obviously you get good. So I would go to those little fifth grade,

sixth grade tournaments, points barring, and I would do good. Not as good as I'd do it in a fucking class though. In the class, I always had great endurance, and I always had flexibility. So I was into these nice little kung fu kicks and shit. But in tournaments, guys would kick my legs and shit like that, and it was a different game.

I would have to fight guys that weren't good at kicking legs, I would have to pick my bracket, and you know, I knew how to convince the fuck. So that's what made them basketball was where hard work came in. I knew I was bad, and I was so bad that I wrote to every college coach that I admired. I got a book, and I wrote to Duke, to Bill Foster,

I wrote to Dean Smith. You wrote in letters? Wrote in letters, the guy from Syracuse, Marty Head. He's been there for 30,000, not Marty, I forget what his name is, Jim. Calhoun? No, that's UConn. Bayheim, is he?

Bayheim, I wrote him a letter in 77, 78, and they all sent me packages on how to improve. They did? Yeah. There's some quality about a real coach. These coaches all had packages at that time because they're recruits, then I would send, I went to five, first I went to Willis Reed basketball camp,

then I went to Booz basketball camp, and then I went to another bat, and I was really good. By the time I got to the eighth grade, people were like, what the fuck happened? It was all summer long. It was riding a bicycle with a basketball in the middle, up and down hills, you know, go home, he did a sit against a wall,

he did a work on my defense, go back to the court, and you know, I read that Jerry West took 300 jump shots a day. Done, 300 jump shots is how I started my morning. I wouldn't even go play until I hit 300 jump shots, and then I got on the bicycle and go to Union City, West New York, and you always was in front, and it's just like comedy.

Yeah. That was the first blueprint of my comedy career. You know, you wanna get good, you gotta go to West New York, you gotta go in the morning, you gotta wait to get picked, and once they pick you, you better hoop, because if you don't hoop, they're never gonna pick you again for another year.

All right, we had that white motherfucker, he can't hoop. I used to take a bus to Hoboken, I used to fucking go everywhere, and then we started going into the city. Fuck it, freshman year, three white boys, let's go into the boogie down. We go up there, get a nickel bag, smoke a fucking number, and play with the black dudes,

but you had to cover your ass for them to have you back. If you didn't do well, or you started trouble, you couldn't come back, so that's how I did it. So you were playing ball in the city, doing this shit? Fuck yeah, all the way, then once I went to freshman year, the dream got fucked up, I smoked some reefer, I did a little crystal THC, and I went to see the New Barbarians with Mick Jagger,

with Ron Wood and the New Barbarians, and that was it, that was it. That's fucking badass, Joey running the courts and fucking the Bronx. Do you guys remember the worst that you ever did? Would you guys play for money? Once I didn't play high school ball anymore, I would play for money in the afternoon to buy in the hashways.

10 dollars, 20 dollars, and then I would always be like, I'm hurt, I'm not doing this no more, so guys would always, like the guys in the bar, we have a couple drinks, and we'd get them for a grandma blow and shit. And one day it was a situation, they got into his car and got a chain. He said we, what do you call that, when you set people up?

Oh yeah, a ringer or something? Yeah, we were ringers, we would set motherfuckers up, but I remember one time being out of high school and being a drug dealer and a criminal and going to a party in Seacwalkers. And me and some guys were at a party hanging out and these guys come up to us, hey, you wanna play, yeah, 50 a game, and they're looking at me like,

let's tear these motherfuckers up. It was a seven point game. They scored seven on the answer points and took our money. We just got in the car and went home. We couldn't even believe it. These guys were sensational. Where was it? The Irish guys in Seacwalkers.

These white dudes just took, what the fuck, I want nothing. Bam, two nothing. And here's the crazy thing, guys, we were 18, 19. These guys were men. These guys were like 28, just took our fucking 50 bucks. We went home depressed as fuck. Crazier when like, I used to play a lot of basketball,

like basically up until high school and then I started again in college. So like, I didn't play that much in high school. After freshman year. And what's even crazier, I feel like, is like when I was like 22, and I probably got in the best shape I'd ever been in playing basketball all the time.

And I played a game against two, it was me and a guy who was like 30 something against two sophomores in high school, two 15 year old kids. And they were unfucking unbelievable. Like I was like, oh shit, like we are fucking at, we're like old guys. And I was 22 at the time.

And in good, I mean, I was like 190. I was running, working at playing ball all the time, pick up games all the time. And those two kids were, the kid that I covered was at least four inches shorter than me and was jumping like a full foot higher than me. Like it was crazy to see somebody- It's scary.

Kick your ass like that, who's 15 years old? You know, it's amazing how I blame a lot of things. Basketball broke my heart when I didn't really attain the goals I wanted than basketball, it really fucking me for a long time. Really? And I think that when I started comedy, I used the same work at Ethic

and I knew what I had to do, not to fail like I did with basketball. Like I took basketball too seriously. And when I heard the first hurdle, I said, that's it, I can't take the heartbreak. Really? You know, I let it go. And listen, when I had been in the NBA, no.

When I had stopped doing drugs, no. But I would have had something. I would have played those four years. I would have had something. My life, I don't know, I don't know. I just, a friend of mine called me last week and said that he hadn't felt this bad in 30 years. He took his kid to college.

And this guy's successful. You know, he's a friend of mine, he's got three kids. He said it didn't bother him. Well, he took his older daughter as much as this daughter because he realized what he didn't do with his life. And I totally understood a couple of weeks when I went and did a college somewhere. And I'm like, I wish I had the chance

to come back to fucking here. As much as I know now, like I always say, Lee, when you go to interviews for anything, they don't talk to you about Emerson College, no. Nobody asks you about your college education to me because I didn't really get it the proper way. I always felt fucking guilty. Like if I knew now, like I was telling my wife today,

when I was telling my wife about this, how I got this call and we were talking and she goes, you know, I feel the same way when I was talking to my niece about her classes. Like you, I would have done it different. I took it from the dog. When I went to college, they would give it away to minorities and bolder.

I was getting money from that fucking student union on a fucking, on a whim, just on a phone call. You got my credit that bright. Just give me another 25, 50. I decided to take a chemistry class and shit. It was amazing. And I feel bad that I didn't take advantage of all that. I was a CUOP student,

which meant that if I kept a 2.0 grade average, they would allow me to fucking stay in school. And I kept that, but they had free tutoring. They had all these services that you had to pay for the student services I got for free. I didn't take advantage of that shit. I didn't belong to a fraternity, which I knew I wouldn't, but who knew?

Maybe there's a criminal fraternity. Maybe there's a fraternity of fucking gangsters or fucking ex-fellows or potential felons. I don't fucking know. But I missed that whole experience. You had it, Bert had it, you had it. And not to have it, you feel, or I had it to a degree. I had it.

I'll tell you, when I first walked on the University of Colorado, I forgot about everything bad I had ever done in my life. Like it had absolved me. Just by getting there? Just by taking the two fucking classes the first time. It changed my life. It gave me more esteem at that time. It helped big time.

Yeah, because when I quit high school, my freshman year, my freshman year, my senior year in September, because I had to get a job. But I went back in December and I took all my courses and in June they came to me and they go, you know, you're three credits short. You can't graduate, but you gotta go to summer school.

I gotta tell you something. I'm not going to summer school. And you motherfuckers are a bunch of cocksuckers because I played track, I played basketball, I played freshman football. They would give me three credits for each one. They'd done it before. They were like, man, we don't think so.

Okay, you motherfuckers. So I didn't really get my diploma. When I got arrested, no. When I went to Colorado Mountain College, I had gotten too many credits. So they told me I had to take my credits to a different school. So I went to the University of Boulder Continuing Ed.

Once I took another 30 credits there, they were like, you got too many credits to be in Continuing Ed. You got to register into the fucking college. And I'm like, I'm never gonna get into the fucking college. They go, whoa, you have no choice. You can't keep coming back here and we're gonna stop giving you money.

That was the magic word. Money is my motivator, motherfucker. What do I need to do? Well, you need to come with your high school transcripts so I went and got a high school diploma. Took my SATs. I did all that shit. At 23 or something, I did all that shit.

You're following me. Yeah, that's crazy. That's fucking crazy. And I got in and I, bro, when they gave me my first check, the first time I looked at my schedule, I had tears in my eyes. Like that was one of the happiest days in my life. Why?

Because I had made my mother proud, you know? This is the University of Colorado. This ain't no fucking community college, a fucking Denver. It was a big deal for you to go there. This was a big deal for me. I didn't wanna go there. Me, I'd rather be a Duke, Jack. You know, me, I'd rather be a Kentucky fucking

blue devil or a fucking Boston college, but bolder I got in, they accepted me. And I walked around, I took classes there and then I got in trouble. Once I got the felony, I went back, I shouldn't have said none, I should have just dropped out. But see, I opened my mouth and I went to the guy, I had my family go to the guy who got me in

and then tell him the truth. And he was good at two shoes. He goes, well, I don't know if we can have him back on the campus with the felony, especially for kidnapping and drugs. I know the drugs are definitely out. Kidnapping, they might let him out. We got football players, they've done worse.

You know, so that's what happened. Wow. But I regret not having, and I've told you, we've had this conversation that I don't, it breaks my heart that when you go for an interview now, and even you, you went to college. Yeah, I did. You had a great degree and you're a fucking comedian.

I know. But like sometimes a guy like me would go, look at fucking Zagir with that fucking Momo. Five years to become a comedian, but his fucking father's happy paid for that shit. But it was an experience for you. It was an experience. Where'd you go to school at?

I went to a tiny school called the Norrion College in Hickory, North Carolina. Damn. Yeah, it's the smallest fuck. You know why I went there? It's the only school that let me in. I had such a bad high school transcript, like bad GPA. I had decent SAT, but bad GPA.

I couldn't get in anywhere. They let me in, so I just, it was the only place I applied, got in, but it was an experience. Cause I still have friends today from then, which I fuck you think is great. Fuck you. I used to complain a little bit about it, about how it was such a small school.

Cause in my mind, going to college was like movies. Animal house, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, my expectations were like, you know, a stadium for the football team, an undergrad of like just 10, at least 10,000, if not 30,000 undergrad. And I thought it would just be like, what you see college would be like.

It was that like shrunk down to like, you know, less than 2,000 undergrad. You know what I mean? So like, it's just a different experience. And it wasn't the experience that I was expecting. So I thought it was. I treated college like, it was basically like a business sort of thing.

Where'd you go? Emerson College in Boston. Boston, yeah. It's big for film and writing. And it really helped me when I got out here, but I didn't have any friends. I don't have any friends from college. Cause I went and I should have went to Drexel and Philly.

It didn't have as great of a program. For what? Did you go for? Film? Film, video, stuff like that. You went for four years? Yeah. Well, three, I did it in three cause I hated it.

Didn't a lot. Didn't have some comics gone Emerson? Probably. Oh, Leno and Henry Winkler. And, but yeah, I mean, and it was great for that. But like I thought I was, I went to visit my friend at Dickinson. And it's not even that big, but it has.

Fairly Dickinson. No, no, no. In Dickinson. Right by Philly. And it has like the big brick buildings and the rolling hills and football games. And this one was like all the hipster kids you see and they're all talking about the French movie they saw.

And I just, I hated it. But I mean, I'm glad I did it cause now, like my dad was in radio for all those years and worked in restaurants. But he dropped out of college after like two weeks cause he had a job and it just didn't make sense. But you can't get any job now. Like anything, you know what?

At all. You know the other thing that I don't always realize that college serves for though is like you go there and it helps you realize in a safer setting, shit that you don't want to do as an adult. And I think I kind of figured out by going to all these structured things that I didn't want to work in structure.

Like work with like get up and go to work. I guarantee if they go to every fucking senior before they graduate and go, do you want to really go into the field? You study in college and you have this degree. I'd really be surprised what the percentages are. It's gotta be. Kids are fucked up.

Yeah. But I didn't know what they were getting because I don't think the kids prepared to make a delight decision. At 18. In 2018. Yeah. And I'll tell you what really fucking helped me.

More than college. I'll tell you what really fucking helped me. And every day I think about it, I'm like, wow. With car sales. Yeah. That helps you figure it out? When I saw cars in college, it really sped up everything I had.

Everything I thought came in. You know, you go to Jiu Jitsu. They teach you a technique. But when you go to do it to Lee, they don't tell you that Lee's gonna hide that arm. Lee's not just gonna leave the arm. It's like anything else when you go to karate class. He's gonna throw a punch.

The punch is gonna land there. You're gonna hook the arm and you're gonna hit him in the rib and he's like, no, it's not gonna happen that way. He's gonna wear a shirt in your hands and get caught. So it was really weird that you heard all these things about business. You spoke to people. And once you discovered belly to belly sales,

it was the, I mean, that stayed with me forever. I learned more from those criminals and how to treat people and how to carry myself in business. Little things. When you buy a t-shirt from Marriott, you're a letter. I got that from selling cards. When you came to see me, the first thing, when you got home the next day, you got a letter from me.

Because I knew the other guy wasn't sending you a letter. He was gonna call you and tell you there was a sale. That's great. I'm gonna send you a letter and thank you. You know, and it just taught me little things. Follow up calls. Lee and I were talking about a sponsor earlier. And we were talking about our plan of attack.

That plan, I didn't get that from a book. I didn't study marketing in college. I got that from selling cars. The strategy. There's a strategy to things, you know? And it was just really a man. I worked at a place in Boulder, which was really decent. You know, they were on Yelp today.

They'd have like a high fucking Yelp. Because that was their thing. They knew to get the good cars. You had to have a good CSI, a customer service index at that time. So they specialized in that. They were in thieves. They wouldn't throw your keys on the thing.

If you told them you were unhappy, they'd give you the keys right back. You do that Douglas Toyota and Arvada to fucking stab you. You'll have to talk to 18 people before you get your car back from a train. What car? The Volkswagen. I just gave it from the praise.

We don't know no Volkswagen. They make you buy the car because they hide shit from you. This place was legit. And I learned so much from those white dudes. They were fucking Mormons. Really? I used to call me the renegade. He loved me.

He used to call me the renegade. Because he goes, you always go off against the people. I don't like. I don't even have to do my job. Really? If there is scumbag. You sniff them out. I used to love this Subaru place.

That was the first car I sold. You really, you could sniff out the scumbags quick I bet. Yeah. Until today I still drive a Subaru because of that job. Really? I am sold on Subaru because of that job. Because everybody who, how many cars I sold and how many people's faces would come back and go,

hey man, a week after you sold me a car under that blizzard we got. I was in the car with my daughter and we split off the road. I would have had my own car. I would have been dead right now. That Subaru you sold me fucking had the extra one. So I felt good about what I sold.

I really did feel good. I remember when I got arrested I was at a Chrysler store and I went back. That Chrysler store was eight drug dealers that would lie to you about fucking everything. I couldn't fucking believe it. They would lie to old people. You used to drive me fucking crazy.

Like I had, even when I was a crazy criminal, I didn't see, you know, it was a Dodge store. Old people buy fucking Dodges and Chrysler or Barons and shit like that. Chrysler or Baron, what a piece of shit that fucking car was. We had one when I was growing up. If you slammed the car door, everything would break.

The tire on the other side would go flat. You're like, what the fuck, I slammed this door. I didn't like that. I didn't like lying to customers. I didn't like hiding from customers. I wanted to sell you something for you to come back to the next thing and say, Joey, you're fucked up.

I'm gonna be like, fuck it happens every day. Let's go fix it. Instead of hiding from you, you know? The Subaru place, they all wore sandals, they ate granola, they were Buddhists, but those guys were pulling down. I was pulling down, in college I was pulling down, they were from seven grand.

I think about that. A week or a month? A month, seven grand. Seven grand in high school? To 10, I was 24 years old and I was making seven to 10 grand a month off the bat. Like the first day I fucking started that first month was like, I gotta check for 4,900 bucks.

I was like done. Plus I walked with like 1,000 and get, you know, every time you sell a car. So they took that out of the check and I flipped out but then I figured out how taxes were paid. I always wondered, so like, let's say you bought a car for 10 grand. How much does a salesman get?

Okay, in these days, this day you got, I forget what it was, but in those days if you sold the Subaru, a mini deal was 100. But after the person left, you got a kid, a kid, and you called the Subaru dealer and they'd send you a check from 250 to $700. You get that every Thursday.

So I wouldn't give a fuck. If you came to me and said, Joey, I got a car for 1660, I could do that. I knew I was gonna make 100 and 250 on the back end. So that's 350 a car. I could do the paperwork in 15 fucking minutes. You follow me, there's those type of, there's so many type of deals in this.

Okay, I have a used car. We have 6,000 in it. You come in and buy the car for 10. That means we made $4,000 profit. I get 30% of that. So what's 10%? Four, so I get $1,200 to sell that fucking car. I sell 10 or 12 of those.

Fuck. Okay, then if you sell seven cars, you get a $500 bonus. If I would go into a car lot and you'd say to me, oh Joey, by the way, the Jeep, the 89 Jeep with 10,000 miles, anybody who sells that on a Saturday, on a, now look, when I go to work on a Saturday,

I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to snook cope. I just don't want one ram. I need my dick suck. I need a couple of cocoa locos at Red Robin. I need to buy the bartender a shot. I got a chance there. I'm going for the short nickel.

If you tell me that if I could sell that table, I get $500, even if I sell it at cost, just to get it out of here. If Tom Segura comes in and he goes, I want a picture of Charles Bronson. Even though I got a picture of Charles Bronson right there, I'm gonna sell him that fucking table. Anybody who comes in high, I'm looking for a truck.

Let me show you this fucking car right now, it's not a truck. It's beautiful. You give a fuck what it is. You want a deal, right? I can sell you that for cost. Let's take a look at it. People go, I came in here for a Subaru wagon.

It's showing me as a, I don't give a fuck. It's my world. I would sell you that fucking sedan. That's a salesman. That's what you fucking do. I wouldn't pound it. I just tell them that's the car for you and I make a drive it.

Once they drive it, I got you at 50%. Really? My job is to push the envelope, make you drive. If you don't drive the car, you're not gonna buy it. If I drive it, boom. That's down number one. Number two, once you fill out that credit app, I got you. But I never let you fill out the credit app.

I always took it from you and asked you questions. Because by asking you questions, you're devouring me your fucking information. Plus I offer you a water. So it's a psychological game. By offering you that water now, you owe me something back. Once we take the ride, I go, is there terms we could do? Yes, there are.

I go inside, I got a credit app and I got a fucking four square. Most fucking idiots will just give you the credit app and say, you fill this up, you're dead. I fill it out. So now I get you involved. And now I got you under the spell. I'm just asking you questions.

What's your address? What's your mother's maiden name? So yeah, but she's a Russian Jew. Whatever the fuck you're gonna tell me. What's your shoe size? I got you. It's just a trance. That's what my last cry about.

The guy filled it out for me. Aren't you like right now ready to fucking fill one out for him? They get dealing on here. You want me to teach how to do this? I'm ready to buy and I get that fucking pen. I get that pen, right? Yeah.

I get that pen. I go, Lee, what are we doing today? Okay, well, I like to buy the Subaru. The Subaru costs $18,000. I need 10% deposit today. That's $18,000. What payments would you like a month on? I was looking for $250, and what's the term?

What do you got? You got a car? Yeah, I got a 62 fucking labyrinth. That's worth $3,000, all right? All right, so here you go. The car is $18,000. I need $18,000. How much down do you have?

I have a thousand, we'll take it. You just committed to a thousand. I got you for a thousand, right? Boom, signed right there. What do you want to make a payment a month? $250,000. So if I get you a car for $250,000 a month, you'll buy it. Yeah, boom, signed right there.

You got a car deal. Boom, I come back and I pound you. All right, by the way, the 250 is for fucking 19 years. $18,000. My boss said, I looked at your credit. I need 3,000 down, because that's profit. They're always going for down payment. Okay.

That's profit. That's their profit. So don't do down payment? A nickel. Nickel into debt. Get it done, I got good credit. What's the down payment for? Nickel into debt, give them 10%,

but nickel into debt, boom. You know, what do you want to pay a month? Boom, boom, 250. All this shit is that I'm trancing you and I'm confusing you. This is a confusion right here. So 300 against my 18,000. Oh, can't you give me a little more?

My mother-in-law's a swarming. And she said, my car is worth 1,200. I'll give you 15. Who gives a fuck? I own the car for 14, eight. So I got 3,100 in it, correct? So I got 3,100 in it. You want 11 for your fucking,

so if I give you 11 for your car, you got a deal, yeah, I just made $2,000 on it. Jesus. So when you go to- Plus the financing. Yeah. So when I used to work in New York, I used to get a piece of the financing.

So I'd work you for financing. Oh, so you don't pick people over in cash? I get like a point of the financing. If you finance $20,000 at 10%, I get a half a fucking point. Plus you need insurance. I know this guy will come down here and sell you insurance.

At the end of the week, that guy brings me an envelope for 300 for getting you an insurance with him because you need a binder. You just moved here from Boston, yeah. You need a binder. Let me get you a binder for the H3. So when you go in to buy a car now,

are you just like, listen, I know all the- Or do you just let it happen? It's all the same. It's all the same. Whether you're selling the car, a boat, a house, a prostitution, it's all the same. You could be a Puerto Rican and go in there and go, hi, I'm gonna save my pussy.

It's $100 and 125 around the world. You could go listen. Let me tell you something. That guy that sucked my pussy, his tongue turned fucking purple. It was so fucking good, all right? My asshole, I shave it three times a day just in case the crop pops back up.

My titties, nobody's ever sucked them. But tonight for you, because I like it because you're Jewish, you're gonna suck my titties. But the package is 300. And you're gonna go, why did I pay 300 to this bitch that just charged me 125 down the corner? It's amazing.

That's why I always sell people. You run into a sale. Yeah. You run into a fucking sale. That's it, that's it. Everybody learn something tonight. Let me give some shout out to you. You know how we drop now.

Fuck yeah, man. We ain't got time to fuck. I don't want you people going out then taking for your money. You gotta learn, cocksuckers. You got any problems, email me. What's an email? Beauty and the Beast, whatever the fuck it is.

Or just go to joeydeas.net. Just go to joeydeas.net and email me. Thompson girl, put the text away. Tell Dave Beckett, you call him back on that one. I want to give a shout out to Miguel, Popeye, Barrow, Gus, Casanova, Tom G, Cody Tadeo, DC, Smitty, Tomahita, and my main man, fucking Bergy. Always showing up on an Armenian fucking present for me.

You know what I'm saying? Talk to me, Tom. Oh shit, it's Monday, but I lose something to my mother. What up? I always play a little music for my mother on Monday and it's something for the spirits. That's nice, that's good. Who wants to finish this, Brownie?

What are we doing? We can't wait. I am not doing that. I don't want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Sun somebody twice as smart. So are you nervous about tomorrow, Joey? Do I look fucking nervous?

I don't know. You see nervous here? I got to be honest with you. When Tommy was talking before, y'all were a little nervous. Why? I thought about it. It just hit me that I was going to surgery in six or seven hours, you know?

And it's a little, you know, just a little. Yeah. For a guy like me, it just takes away your breath for a minute, but I'll be fine. No big deal. You're going to their professionals, you know? Medicine's a lot different than what it was 30 fucking years ago.

I mean, they do this shit now. You know, this guy's the Raiders doctor. I'm his last surgery for the year. Really? For the year? That's it. And then it's just beyond calling for the rate or what? Oh, right. So yeah, on Sunday nights, when you see them getting on,

like you see fucking Johnny, you see the guy getting Johnny, what's his name? Johnny football, getting carried off. When he goes in, the general president goes, get the two Jews down to the rest of the situation. Listen, we got fucking three, we got three million a year invested in this fucking Manook. Yeah.

I got three million invested in this Manook and he's fucking lifting off game number three. Get the fucking two Jews down there. And they come down. You're like, ah, ah, ah, the two Jews come in there. Look at your arm, it's broken. Call upstairs, it's broken. When can we do it?

Monday at 8 a.m., too late. This guy got three million of them. He's going to heal by next fucking week. And they got to break the news to you. All right, the president. So can I go back to Kentucky? I want to go to my family doctor. That's negative.

Negative. Negative. As a matter of fact. You know why? Because we fucking own you. We own you. We're out right now. They're prepping your fucking bed right now.

But I want to hug the kid. They don't care. We're the Jews. When they send us a tall loaf, it's like, the next is the wolf and they just shoot you. So you either come with us peacefully or they send fucking, you know, and you go and they cut you that night.

They cut your Monday morning. That's what he does. Monday morning, a knee, a shoulder, a neck. That's it. By Sunday night, they're already assessing situation. They call in the hospital going, We need the Jews. We need the Jews.

We got nine fucking, we got nine fucking savages that all weigh over 300 pounds, coming in for knees, necks, arms, elbows, and you go from an elbow to a foot. And by Tuesday, everybody's all right. And by fucking Friday, you're jumping up and down. And by the next week, they got eating bananas and protein shakes

and you're back out there, dog. They don't give a fuck about your helmet. They don't. That's pro football. So he doesn't have, he was telling me he can't. And he's been working for them for 30 years. He goes, there's only one guy that's scarier than needles than you.

A lot of large needles. He goes, that guy used to cry. He goes, I saw him cry one time before I blood test. We cried. And then he became the steroid guy. You sure? Because I'm telling you, I can't fucking do it. Tomorrow.

You can't do needles? No, the only thing I'm dreading tomorrow is the intravenous, the IV. Yeah. They're gonna stick it in my hand. But I tell them early, listen, don't fuck with me. I laugh every time I get blood drawn. I laugh really hard.

Why? It's just an automatic response. It's the only thing I'm serious like that I can think of in the world, like in life that has ever done that to me, where as they put it in and start taking out, I start getting super giddy. Like, it's like a weird way of,

I think it's just my way of adapting to seeing the blood come out. I totally, I started laughing. I started laughing like a maniac. Yeah, I look at it and I start laughing. A fucking nightmare. Really? But I'm good now.

I think I went to the pre-op. Like, to me, that was the toughest thing of this whole physical, was the pre-op. So I went to, you want one of these? No. You keep looking like something's down. Me and Lee gonna pop one for you. No, we're not.

Oh man. To experiment on the way home. Anyway, I went to the pre-op. They did all this, they touched your balls, the back, the X-rays, the EKG, then he goes, you gotta do a pit test and go get blood. Even though I trust these people, I still get that little scared for a minute

and then she comes and gets me and right away I thought, she's gonna wanna sit down and fuck no. I'm gonna lay down. I always put Santana on. I ain't show that. Santana, the Foo Fighters. I always gotta have them too. The Foo Fighters?

Yeah, the one song. Best of you, gotta have it on. And she comes in, she dumps the bed down a little bit and they rub the kid stuff and they get the kid's needle. Oh, I work them. Like, I know all the people. I tell them, listen, get the kid's needle. And get the liquor cocaine from the back.

Not the shit you give to the Russians. I want the good shit. They come in, they rub it. She ties my arm, I look the other way. I breathe, I prepare myself, I just breathe. It's that needle when it gets slipped in. If the needle gets slipped on like a savage, I'm going down. Really?

Yeah, but if there's times, there's some women out there that you don't even feel it. I feel it after a minute. I feel a little lightheaded and then by the time I even, I'm breathing, I feel the strap come off. That means you're done. I feel like going like that with my arm. And by that time, I'm just, the music,

and I'll take it off and I go, you're a bad motherfucker. Cause I didn't feel dick. Yeah. And I used to faint at night. Like when I thought I had the blood clot in my leg, I went to the hospital, I took blood and fainted at night. What else? So it's been very good the last few months.

How about catheters? Have you ever had that in like for? Oh, I just did a colonoscopy on August 4th. And it was nothing. Again, I felt the needle a little bit. It was just hot in there. When I was hospitalized like years ago when I OD'd. Yeah, that's right.

You wake up and everything's right. You don't remember them putting anything in. So I had a catheter in, but I didn't, it was fine. I didn't feel anything, but a nurse tripped over the tube. And I was like, I screamed. I was like, what the? And she, and I, cause she goes, it's not supposed to go like that.

That was her apology. And I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, I stepped on it. That's why it like yanked on you. It was the fucking most painful thing in her way of handling. It was just not supposed to go that way. I think I knew that.

I don't like any of that shit. I deal with it because it's a part of life. You can't know. Yeah. You know, not. That was colonoscopy. The colonoscopy, the milkshake of death, you shit, it's heavy duty.

But I prepared myself. I ate fruit the whole week. You know, I ate high fiber stuff. I tried to push out the existing stuff. I sweat a lot. I, you know, yeah, you gotta take care. I'm out of oatmeal, you know, a lot of apples. So when I drank the first potion,

it loosened me up. The second one, they say is the worst one. It's like tasting, the drink is fucking horrendously bad. But if you put limeade in it and mix it up, what's that shit? Uh, the, the, yeah, the, The powder, the powder that they put in water, liquid, whatever, lemonade, whatever the fuck it is.

It's not bad. You drink it and you get down there. The needle, I felt it in my hand. I told her, I felt it. I got hot. It took me a while to get my temperature back. And then they put you out and you wake up and they give you a fucking folder to go.

And when you're looking at just pictures of your asshole, they give you a camera. They show you the camera from the beginning that they show your asshole wrapped up. The camera going into your asshole and the tubes and everything and testing. Pretty interesting, man. It's a, and listen, I'm 51 years old.

You gotta do it, man. I'm very lucky that I know people at my age already that I went to school with and stuff. They're either not here or they've had long stays on schools, which is mind boggling. You gotta go every year to this stuff, man. Get these tests done at your age, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah.

Something you said still scares me. I saw it again today. Cause right before I started working out and stuff, you said like you gotta let your blood drain through your legs. And ever since then, I keep seeing really big guys with like the permanent bruises and like the skin eating away on their stuff.

It was a horrific thing. I was there with my girlfriend at the grocery store. This dude was walking around. Didn't even have pants on, he had just gym shorts and was picking up bags of Lay's chips with his legs literally rotting away. And I was like, what is happening? Like you see it all the time?

Yes. Where you want to go like, why is it okay for you to show me that? Like where these, these dudes have like, it's their, their leg is like a tree trunk. Yeah. Where there's no, and there's no like, it's all the same size from fucking his thigh to his ankle.

And there's like these crazy open blood lines. Open sores. Ooh. You know, I've worked to get my ankle that skinny. Yeah. But I do the same shit every night. Dude, you work. I get on my ass.

Yeah. Pop my legs up. Yeah. I split, I do a V. I could fucking V on the wall now because I've been doing it. I pick my legs up, I creep, I go to the side. I suck all this in.

I do the other side. And that's where it helps you go to the bathroom. That's good for your digestive tract, cleans your kidneys, it's yoga shit. But the best move is your feet up. Because the blood goes down. And now it gets processed. Instead of getting purple in your fucking feet.

Yeah. You know, if you don't do nothing, if you put your feet up and watch fucking day time football or fucking day, and he chips, that blood ain't going nowhere. Do you go like vertical on them? I go vertical the whole thing. Those are all yoga.

How long do you have to hold that for? 10 minutes. And then you just let it drop and breathe. And the more uncomfortable you breathe through the pain. And you breathe the pain away. And you breathe, and every day you get more and more flexible. But you're getting that blood to go down. And then you put your feet on, and you do bridges,

and all that shit to help. My main purpose of acupuncture is to open the chakras and to keep that blood going. The way I read it was they smoke more in China than they do here. The reason why this day alive is Tai Chi than the acupuncture. The cancer rate is lower in China because of the fucking, the circulatory. It's very important.

That's the number one thing. I have friends that they're fucking their ankles. And that's the first sign of anything. That's it. That's the first fucking sign. The ankle? These people you see at the airport walking around for you. You want to grab them and go, are you fucking serious?

Yes, I saw one with a tattoo. I don't know what it is with people with fat fucking legs in the purple, putting that parrot on their legs. That's going to throw you off. That money you spent for the ink, you could have spent that 24-hour fitness for a fucking trainer. So you got your fat friend saying it's a cool parrot. Look at your fucking veins.

Went to the parrot blows, his head blows the fuck up. It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. That's my main thing of going to acupuncture. My insurance covers it. So I got to go. They don't cover all the visits. You know what I'm saying?

I work something out with it. That's why, for my circulation, because you have to. You know what my ankles were like when I was 4'18? I did the longest yard. You were 4'18? I did the longest yard. I was 4'18 right there. Jesus.

Look at my stomach. Look at that. Laying down, it was a foot away from me. I got to go a little closer. Laying down, it was a foot up in the air. I couldn't breathe. Right there, that scene was killing me right there at that point.

At that point, I already had to sleep at near, but even the machine wasn't really helping me. I was sleeping six hours a night, a lot better than what I was doing. But I read up, and that's the whole thing, is that that sleep at near doesn't bring a lot of blood to all your parts. So people have sleep at near.

They say they have a higher thing of getting cancer. I was like, fuck it. I'm going to go to acupuncture and get everything clear, get those chakras open, get those blood veins going. That's so important to me. Do you don't know how many times I do that a day time? I just hang my feet up on the wall. You put your ass to the wall.

Your ass has to, you have to snuggle on there, and then flip over and put your feet up and just leave in there. Put the TV on and just leave. It's a great fucking movement. I'm not a yoga teacher. I'm just some fat fuck that's trying to learn. How you doing, Lisa?

What do you got going on? We're going to do another show Wednesday night. It's an eight o'clock show. Post fucking surgery. I'm still going up the stairs. Are you going to do it then, really? Post surgery. Fuck, not too much.

You're an animal. I'm doing the surgery tomorrow. You're an animal. Tomorrow night I'll sleep like a baby. I got these things. I got a couple of vodka martinis. Lisa will bring some of these bitches over and give me a little whammer.

When's the day you do it? Wednesday, I'll get a good night's sleep. I got to take a Puerto Rican shower. I won't be disgusting until I get the stitches out. How long is that? Thursday morning at 10-3. Puerto Rican. Yeah, that's it.

Fuck. Thursday morning at 10-15, the stitches go on. On the way home, I go to Toluca Lake, sign up for the fucking physical therapy. And then I go to YMCA and do five minutes on the bike. And it's on after that. After that, you see like Rocky drinking fucking eggs, running on fucking the street here like a savage.

I don't want to hear no excuses. What's up with you? What's going on with you? Tell me something. I'm doing my fucking pods, you know? I'm doing my shows. So, she's great. She's a fucking savage.

She's a savage. She's hitting the road every, every, all the time, almost every week. And then we're doing our podcast and you know, just trying to make, trying to fucking... Put the pieces together. Yeah, dude. Same thing.

You look good. Thanks, buddy. We're going to Hong Kong. We're going to do the comedy festival, so I should be fine. Hong Kong comedy festival? Yeah. Who's doing it with you?

The show I'm on has Pete Lee and Chad Daniels. So... What about your wife? She don't go to Hong Kong. She's not going to Hong Kong. The type of fucking Pimpio. That's how you take your wife to Hong Kong. No, because the schedule's crazy.

We were going to do it. And then the schedule came out and it's like, once we're there, we're on planes. And it's a week, so it'd be like Hong Kong a day, Singapore, which is a four hour flight. Another day or two there, fly back. It's not like, hey, enjoy Hong Kong for a week.

It's playing another plane, a ferry. Another, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't think it's very chill or conducive. I'd want to go for like a... Holiday. Yeah. Proper rest. But you went to Hong Kong.

When was the last time you went to Hong Kong? I've never been to Hong Kong. I'd be fucking thankful, cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? Thanks for having me, dude. Thank you for having me here. Your fucking family. I've been calling you for two years.

Two years at the same time as a girl, again a mom, when we got his wife, Lisa. Fucking 48 hours of, I mean, like I'm on the road right now too much. I'm gonna try to change, I am changing it. I'm like starting in November. You're in Denver this weekend. I think it currently works.

Right, then the festival. Then September 18th, I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale one night only, Christina and I together. Okay. You're flying down and coming right back. No, I'm gonna stay there a week, hang with the family, then Orlando Improv,

and then I do a bunch of like one-nighters and stuff the rest of the year. Doug, I'm on the same fucking, I'm rehabbing this like, this thing starts September 18th, Brea, New York, Denver. Yeah. Portland, San Francisco.

But the key with you, and I always see this with you and that's what I'm trying to do more of, is you have your absolutes, like you're not doing Sunday and you're not gonna do, you're gonna take your break if you want it, if you need it.

You know what, that's the important thing to do, I think, is you gotta like plan it out, plan out shit more, you know what I mean? So. I'm not 28. Right. I wanna give you the best show possible. I wanna give you the best that I could be.

If I'm tired or my leg hurts. And it's hard to do. When I'm thinking about something else, I'm not gonna give you the best show I can. On a Saturday night, I'm not thinking about nothing else. On a Friday night, I'm not thinking about nothing else. On a Thursday night, I'm not thinking about nothing else. On a Sunday, I'm thinking about my family.

Yeah. I'm thinking about how I should have dinner with my family. That's what families fucking do on a Sunday. I love going home on a Sunday. But no, I gotta sit here and do a show for 85 fucking people, because the club owner said last Sunday they were fucking packed.

We had a bunch of reservations, so I kept you over. Listen, in July and August no more, you're not gonna do tickets no more. Joe had a great weekend in Denver, that's Joe in Denver. The majority of comics right now, anywhere where there's cold weather, people don't wanna be putting a fucking building now.

So September, people in Buffalo, Syria, those people don't want to sit in the comic. Yeah, it's gonna be much slower, for sure. So there's a reason for that. I'm not out to waste nobody's fucking time. I wanna give you the best possible show I could give you. I will wake up early at three o'clock and get on a plane, Lee knows this,

everybody knows this about me. We bumped into airports before. Oh yeah, yeah. But I wanna be rested. 10 years ago, you come see me and you get a guy that hadn't slept in three fucking nights. Yeah. Two from doing blow and one from night from doing radio.

The first night you get there. You live in LA, you're in fucking Miami. The first night, you're on a three hour difference. Even if you don't do blow, you just sit in there till five and they're picking you up at six to do radio because you usually go to LA to sleep at two. That's the crazy thing that people don't understand is how tired you are.

You're fucking tired. Yeah. I mean, if you do the road week after week after week. I've gone with Joey like two times and we usually do the podcast Wednesday mornings until recently and then Joey takes the, I was with you at like 30 a.m. going to LAX and then the next day is radio

and then with you, it's not like you have an easy night. I'm getting stoned as fucking up late and then you take the 7 a.m. flight back. So I was exhausted after one week of doing it. It's tough and you had, I mean we're going to Houston and doing Wednesday through Sunday and doing blow and doing three mornings of radio.

It's a lot, man. You have no fucking idea and you're blowing up, you're eating sodium and you're just blowing up on the fucking road. You're drinking beer, you're smoking cigarettes, you're smoking pot. I mean, it's just amazing. And don't they give like in Vegas

like on Monday to Sunday? Like isn't it like a full week? It's a fucking nightmare. That is the worst, man. It's a long fucking week. It's too long of a week for me at this age. I cannot do it. I can't give the people a decent show.

Why would I want to do that? Bring me one little time if you don't mind. Oh, thank you, brother. I got it. And that's why I opt to do that. I want to do the podcast on Mondays and Wednesdays. I want to go to Jiu Jitsu Monday and Wednesday. I want that option.

I want to have a schedule. I cannot be, I've lived in this town for 17 years. The road is a great place for a comedian. But I see where, when you get, because you don't know, the agents are just calling you and going, oh, I got you this date. Guess what?

Guess who called? And here you are and you're doing six in a row. Six in a row, you don't want to hear that joke ever again. You don't want to hear it. It's true, it's true. You don't. Trust me, I'm telling you. I did, what, seven this year?

I went on a run this year. From March to April, I did eight weeks or something. Seven weeks. Yeah, I thought you got up to 10 at one point. Yeah, just to really try. And it was driving down LAX every week is fucking a lot on Wednesday, doing two podcasts a week at six in the morning.

So I had to revamp it. I'm moving the podcast later now. Tomorrow, I'd usually be leaving on Thursday. Oh, today's Monday. I usually be leaving on Thursday morning. So that's how we do it. Just to give them the better show. So I'm in better shape three weeks of the road.

You know, and especially when he's doing Wednesday through Sunday, by Friday, you're about to fucking kill yourself. It's fucking good. Thank God we have the Death Squad people that come to the shows and it makes it a little easier. Saturday is a great day. I'm excited as fuck Saturday.

Saturday, I know it's all Death Squad. I know I'm gonna fucking go out there and whatever I say, we're gonna take them on a journey and we're gonna get paid and we're gonna have a plan, we're gonna leave. That Sunday, when you wake up from that high, even if you don't do blow, when you wake up from Saturday night,

two shows to Sunday and you call the club at four, you watch, you slip to 10, your NFL comes on, you know. It's horrific. You watch both fucking games. Then you call the club and go, hey, how are we doing? They're like, we have 88 tickets left, but you're gonna do great walking.

I'm fucking tired. It's time to go, yeah. Then you put on CNN, there's a fucking rainstorm coming your way and you'll leave it, you don't know. There's ways to do this. Yeah, I take a hit by leaving at seven o'clock on the morning Sunday, but I'm in my bed by 11. And it's a straight journey, it's the most important thing.

If I dice a deli dally, let me take the two o'clock flight. Oh, I know, you learn. What the fuck are you gonna do in a hotel until two o'clock? Your day is gone, you're gonna land here at six, 405, good luck, ah, get the fuck out of there. Get the fuck, who gives a fuck? You're in your house at 12, and I saved time, I saved aggravation.

That's what it's all about in your comic, it's not being fucking aggraved. They thought the time was a good one. No man, you're the best. Hit me with something, time, you gotta drop something out, you gotta get the Cuban beard, you gotta fit that look, you know, you show up with no fucking sayings. No sayings.

You ever have a question that really fucks with you and it shouldn't fuck with you? Like last night, I was just, I was watching Sports Center before bed, and I went to Mike Trout and I said, would you rather hate a homerun, or would you rather steal a homerun, like take it away from somebody?

And for some reason, I got on my head like, it decides what kind of person you are, like if you wanna be a go-getter or if you just wanna, and it fucked with me for like hours, like I couldn't come up with an answer, if I wanted to hit a homerun or steal a homerun. And I wasn't high, and I don't know why it fucked me with me for so long,

and I have no idea how it answered. Do you have like a, you have like a student's notebook? Listen, Lee, who the fuck have you hit a homerun, I got you a homerun, right? That's a point. You don't have to fuck with chocolate, that's what I've been telling you this for years. If you eat that chocolate, questions like that,

you go look at that shit and go, you know what? Go fuck yourself ESPN. Let's start off with honest. See, you gotta take some, if you took Alfa, brainly, you wouldn't think about this shit. I wouldn't care about this question. Because a fuck, whether I want a homerun or a go-getter, you've got too much ESPN having to tell me

that's what I meant here. More fucking and less ESPN. What is that? More eating pussy and less ESPN. More push-ups and less ESPN, it's fucking your mind up. Making your mind the most, talk to this fucking guy. Hey, man, stop with the fucking sports side. I know you watched just as much ESPN.

And you were high last night, were you not? A little bit at the end. Unbelievable, this is why you gotta go to high last night. Are you a big sports center guy? Yeah, just every place, and then there's NFL Live, and that's cool. They'll watch sports in a 12-5. I know when I call them, we don't, I'm done, I'm done.

I'm looking at Steve Simone's CD. He's watching sports all the time. He sits there all day, and he gives a fuck, like, and he watches the clock, and they talk, and game shows, and you believe everything Stefan, whatever it is, about the NBA, you're fucking it up. Who? Together, whatever his name is, the black guy.

Oh, that guy's annoying as hell. Oh, he's pissing everybody off. Anyway, for maximization, optimization, all right? Honored, they ain't fucking around over there, all right? Some people, they got one a day, and all these shit fucking things that don't do dick for you. Honored improves who you are. It improves, it makes you be the best you could fucking be.

If you're a kid, and you wanna go back to college, you wanna read, you wanna stay up all night, you're gonna have to take meth like the rest of these fucking jerks off. Take some, take some fucking alpha brain. Don't take meth, take alpha brain. Alpha brain will make your fucking focus. I'm telling you, two alpha brains,

you're up and fucking hopping. In fact, my alpha brain cycle starts again on Monday after the surgery, because I'm home for four weeks. I gotta write a bunch of material, so I'm gonna focus. You know what, go to honored.com and look at everything they got. They got something for you, whether it's strong bone, whether it's fucking new move, shroom tech,

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Stay on it, stay on it. Get it sent to your house on the first, like a real human being. You gotta go to store and order it, just stay on it. First time you sign up for stay on it, you got 20% off. That's how I roll here. What do you put in the box? Church.

Like a bad motherfucker that you are. C-H-U-R-C-H. Also, a shout out to some of my fucking best. I love you cocksuckers, Hulu Plus. You can watch Hulu Plus anytime, anywhere. 799 a month, you're saying Joey, how's that possible? 799 a month, you can watch on any streaming fucking device that you want, you understand me?

On a smart TV, Roku, Apple, Xbox, pretty much any, if it streams, you're fucking watching Hulu Plus. That's how we work. Listen, if you watch a commercial with Hulu Plus, they're gonna give you what, like, they're gonna give you two weeks, that's it. Uncle Joey, we go a step further here on the church of what's happening now.

If you put Joey in the box, J-O-E-Y, you get two weeks for free and 799 a fucking month. So fuck the 799 a month, they ain't doing any no favors. When you run with Uncle Joey, you get two weeks for free. HuluPlus.com, they don't fuck around. In this smart TV, Roku, Apple, 799 a month. I'm more from my listeners. Two weeks on the arms, Gratis.

You know why? Because that's how we roll, all right? Don't fucking get carried away here. I love you guys, Hulu. You know what shows they got? Let me show you what we got. You have the daily show, Family Guy. I wanna marry Harry, gang related, grow up, Fisher.

America's got talent. Let Night with Seth Meyers. They got South Park. Did you know about South Park? They got keepin' up with the Kardashians. Everybody hates Chris. Fuckin' SpongeBob. They got everything, you'll do all.

That's how we do it, HuluPlus.com. Also, a $1 Shave Club. Why are you standing online like a fucking asshole when you could just go to $1 Shave Club for $1, $6, or $9 a month, $9 a month. How much is that a year? What a way of year? And you got raises set right through your fucking house.

You go there, you stand online, you gotta smell some Arab. His armpit smells like onions and fucking lime. And you gotta stand there and pay 20 bucks for three fucking raises. No more. I'm gonna give you a year of raises, a dollar, $6 and $9 a month.

And what are you pressing the box? You get me all I do. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and you get a dollar, $6 or $9, $1 Shave Club. That's how they roll. All right, hold on.

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Hitesig.com, my man, Ed Wigaba. I love this motherfucker. Making it happen down there. So again, annick.com, huluplus.com, Dollar Shame Club and hitesig.com. Support us, all right? Don't fuck around. That's it.

It's a beautiful show. It's a beautiful night. It's 10 o'clock, people. I gotta go. It's one o'clock on the East Coast. People are sitting there like, watch this, go to bed. That's why you almost got fired.

Cox, I go to bed. I love you guys. Stay Black. Thompson, Joey, you're in Denver at the Comedy Works. Thursday through Sunday. No, no, Thursday through Saturday. Thursday through Saturday, finally, you know. They ain't working on like a fucking,

they got them in the cave like a South African. They got them in there like fucking Black people with fucking Ebola picking diamonds till you die. Oh, what the fuck? I love you to death. You're the best. Where can they find you? I'm going to a bunch of places.

Just, they're all at TomSugarra.com. TomSugarra.com, support the podcast. Your mom's house. Your mom's house, where they find the iTunes, Stitcher. Yes, everywhere. Your mom's house podcast.com. Always a pleasure to even just see you. You're one of my favorites.

You're my favorite. That's why I wanted you live. No fucking around. You want to finish this? No. You and the fucking... No, I'm waiting. What do you want to do to close it out, buddy?

Something from Black Sabbath Volume Four. How about under the sun? Let's see how that fucking starts off. No, let's go Super Nut. These people like Super Nut. Let's give them Super Nut. S-U-P-E-R-N-A-U-T, Super Nut. Volume Four, a tremendous fucking album.

They did four albums, two albums in four years for the greatest albums. I didn't even know about this. This is Kid Mauricio gave me a book at the comedy store. Lee, what are we doing? I'm finally... Calling one of those. Yeah.

Lee, what are we fucking doing? I don't know. Oh, any of a special on Netflix? I do. Yes, you do. Yes, completely normal on Netflix. If you have it, please watch it. Now that the show's over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey, or just go to joeydeas.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com, get a high quality razor sentier door every month

for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com, forward slash church, or just go to joeydeas.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. The show is also sponsored by onit.com. Go there and use the code word church to get 10% off. And lastly, go to hitesigs.com and use the code word joey's church to get 20% off of your order.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I want to reach out and touch the sky, I want to touch the sun, but I don't need the sun I don't cry, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I can't even, I find this place together, come and bring your bed

I'm thinking about you, can't you raise me happy, I'm thinking about this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I can't even, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon I'm talking about me, I'm very happy, I'm the moon, I find this distance better way than this moon Thanks for watching!