Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #208 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

It’s Thursday, October 27th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by BlueChew, Manscaped & Displate… BLUE CHEW Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use code JOEY DISPLATE Support the show and get up to 29% off some sweet new metal art with the code JOEY at https://www.displate.com/unclejoeysjoint62e803c5539f6 MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code JOEY for 20% off + free shipping on your first order Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Let's get this motherfucking party started, cock-duckers. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. It's Thursday the 20th. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't even know anymore. Listen, the last couple, for years we did them on Mondays and Wednesdays.

But you know what? It's time to shake things up a little bit. I think we want to keep fucking Thursdays. Better for my schedule. I'm happy and Mike is happy. We don't have to rush back in here two days later and come up with shit to talk about. And I just feel a lot better doing it. It's been a great week so far.

I went to Princeton Longevity Center. If you have a parent or a grandparent that is kind of fucked up like me and you want to get to the bottom of what's going on with that motherfucker, send them to Princeton Longevity Center or jokes aside, the doctors were great. It's like a fucking all day camp of everything that's about you. You go in there, first thing they do, they don't even talk. They hit you with a COVID test. Then they hit you with a fucking, they take out like 18 tubes of blood. I did not pass out.

And then from there you go to a fucking other room and they stick a whatever ring and intravenous thing. And then they put ink in you and they do your fucking heart. Then from there they put you on another table and they measure your bone density and all this shit. Then from there they put you in another fucking table and they screen your whole body, full body fucking screen. Then you go into the room and you eat your little snack. They had some shit to eat but Papa brought a grilled cheese with avocados. You got to keep that saturated fat good. I brought a little fucking Coke Zero and then you go back again.

And now you sit with the doctor and he fucking talks to you about it. I had to bring a sheet of fucking paper with everything that was wrong. Fungi toenail, my dick smells funny, you know, fucking itchiness, rashes. I brought every fucking thing I could possibly in there. You sit with this motherfucker for two hours. When was the last time you sat with your fucking doctor for two hours? Now wait, never, two fucking hours. He went over everything, a hernia, we closed up with the finger in the ass.

Now let me tell you something, I usually don't like the finger in the ass but it's been four years and when you guys get older you'll worry about the finger in the ass on top of that. I chew fucking tobacco and I smoke reefer, so I piss a lot. So I thought there was something wrong with my PSA and my fucking colon. Bam! That motherfucker stuck the finger in there while I was in there. He goes, everything feels alright here. He popped that finger out one of those things and he pulled it out with the... Let me tell you something, when you get a finger in the ass from the doctor, he puts a glove on.

So right away you're like, is this fucking Judas Priest's hand? Is this a singer from Judas Priest? It's like a little night text glove. And then they put like a gay sperm on your finger that don't work, like it's like a lube. Yeah, it's like, nah, it's not Vaseline, it's like a real lube. And when they put it in your ass, you actually hear the lube go quack, like you hear that? Trust me, the first time I got a finger in the ass, I had to cancel all appointments for the rest of the day. It was mind-boggling because he was rubbing my back and he just fucking put it in there without telling me. And it just fucking spiked me like, do you ever see the ape in trading places when the guy fucks,

when the ape fucks the fucking guy in the ass and his eyes open up with the ape soup? It was just like that, I almost fucking fell off the fucking table. That time I had to cancel everything and go home and sleep for six hours from heartbreak and fucking, you know, depression. Because when you got a finger stuck up your ass and it comes out of nowhere, it fucks with your head. But yesterday's finger in the ass, let me tell you something, I believe everything starts with the mind. You got to see it before it happens and all that shit. I think the same thing happens when you go for a fucking random check on your ass. And I'll tell you why, because I got the call like Thursday I was going to go and by Friday I started having like, I felt, I started to feel bloated.

I took the protein pod, I doubled up on the fiber. By Sunday I felt really bloated. Monday I couldn't even fucking eat dinner. I had a bowl of soup for fucking Monday night dinner. Tuesday when I went in there I took a little shit in the morning, just like a little one, it looked like a little fucking cat shit. But let me tell you something, after that doctor stuck the finger up my ass, it was like Moses' finger. When he popped out of my ass and he goes, everything feels alright in there.

He goes, you get dressed now. I go Doc, we're not even getting dressed, we're going straight to the fucking bathroom. I went to the bathroom and my ass opened up like that fucking river Moses parted. I must have had eight pounds of shit in there. And the last piece that came out of my ass stood up. It just stood there. I went to wipe my ass and I bumped into it with my finger. I had to get up and wipe my ass and beat that fucking stick down to goddamn toilet.

So it was a great day guys, that's what I'm trying to say. Then they put you in a fucking visual thing after that. Then they test your fucking hearing after that. Then they fucking take you to a gym. There's a gym in the facility and they stretch you, they test your arms, they fucking your chest. You lift some weights, they put you on a fucking stress test, they do the whole thing. And then the guy gives you like a pseudo workout and then at the end of everything you go back in, you see the doctor for another fucking hour and he tells you what you need to do.

He gives you prescriptions. I got to take an echocardiogram. I got to take a few shots of monococle ammonium shots so I don't get a flu for old people. I got to take the other fucking shot. I got a prescription for some cholesterol shit. Even though my cholesterol was not bad, he says he could use it to work on my knee arthritis and it'll take away the knee arthritis a little bit. So hey, it was a winning day for everybody but I got to tell you something.

I almost didn't go guys. You know I'm a fucking pussy. I woke up. The car was picking me up. The Uber was picking me up at 7.30. Do you know what time I was awake at? 4.30 a.m. sitting there. You couldn't drink coffee.

I couldn't chew nicotine gum. All I could do was sit there and drink fucking water. By 6.30 I'm like, man, I'm going to cancel this. Because I'm never going to make it. To fucking 8.30. And it's a 40 minute drive. I'm never going to make it. But I said, you know what, I'm going to go in there and try my best.

She took out, I don't know how many fucking tubes of blood and it felt fucking tremendous. I didn't faint. I didn't even break a fucking sweat. I had die hard to hunt her on on fucking my phone. I always used to have Santana. That was my fucking official blood drawing fucking song. But my iPod went fucking dead. So I got this, I got Pyromania on my phone.

I got a couple AC DC albums. I think I even got a U2 album on my phone. That's it. So I played fucking Die Hard to Hunter. And what's the other jam that they got after Die Hard to Hunter? Not too late for love, but stage fright. That's a great fucking jam. And that was it.

And I'll tell you what, man, when I walked out of there, I felt 100% better. Like the shit I was worried about my lungs, the fucking asshole or all that stuff I was worried about. I'm good. I'm good. I thought I had cancer. You know, when I went in there, they found the kidney stone, but it's a very small, small, small one. He doesn't want me to worry about. There was a little plaque, a little bit of plaque in my leg, a little bit of plaque towards my heart.

That's what the thing is for. But guess what? We get to live another day, guys. I got to lose a little weight. And he said, my diet is great. All my numbers were fucking great. Like on the blood test, it looked a lot better than I would anticipate. Like I said, 30 years ago, I wouldn't give a fuck about any of this.

But now I got somebody else to think of. So you do what we do and we try our hardest. If it means not just drinking soda and eating more fruit and having a salad a day, I guess that's the route. We're going to have to go until we fucking, you know, like I said the other day, guys, 60 is not an age. That you should be concerned anymore. It's guys take a look at Tommy Lee and 20 other guys that are fucking 60 and they're living a life. Guys, I mean, look at these musicians. They're going out in the road 20 years ago.

You never saw a fucking musician over 70 really go out. Yeah, like George Burns with the comedy who was old, but Tony Bennett fucking picked it up. He's like 95, you know, Mick Jagger. Some of these guys are 78 and they're still fucking touring. I think Roger Waters. So guys, you got to love all this shit. Another note. I ended therapy on Monday.

Like I told you guys it was after a year and a half. You know, man, I feel so fucking hypocritical talking to you guys about this because I don't know. There was for years. I was very hard headed and I felt like. If you want the therapy, it meant you were weak. Like I that's why I really had a hard time with it all the time. When I was younger, I was in the halfway house. They tried therapy on me and I just get into arguments with this lady because it was like she wanted to pick a scam.

Like that's going to help you in any way. And then when I went to prison, I was like therapy groups and I could deal with those, you know, 45 minutes. You either talk, you listen, you learn something either way. But when it's just you and a psychiatrist, I don't know. It gave me the wrong. I don't know. It just didn't feel right for me. I always said that if you have good friends, you don't need a fucking psychiatrist.

But when I got off the fucking plane, I just didn't feel good. You know, it went on for a few months and then I realized what was bothering me and I took some therapy to help me chat it out. And there were so many things I thought I wanted to do with therapy. So many answers I thought I got. And after a year, I got to tell you the answer I did get. I mean, the reason why I called the therapist in the first place was because I had spoken to a couple of my friends. And at that time I was little fucking off on the comedy. And I couldn't understand how a person could put 30 years into something, love something as much as I did.

Be out every night by 7 fucking 30 at night because they couldn't wait to burn down a fucking stage. And now, you know, I'm here and I don't want to do every night. I would always check my sneakers and say, well, do I want to go out tonight? Not really. I guess I'm going to watch TV and smoke some pot. And that lasted a year and a half before I had any inclination at all of doing stand up. But the reason why I got back to stand up was because of this therapist that I was speaking to Dana. We just went back and forth about it.

And she made me do homework on it as bad as the sounds. And I went back to stand up through her to see what I felt. She goes, let's give it a fucking test. Let's see how you feel. If you don't feel good, just never go again. And now I'm to the point, Aaron Berg is down at the Uncle Vinny's tonight. I'm thinking of going down there and seeing him. You know, I can't take a date anywhere in Jersey until my Philadelphia date gets done.

So I just could do a little workout. So that's why I haven't booked anything at Uncle Vinny's, not because I won't go down there. So Aaron Berg's down there. The guys from Cobra Kai are down there next week. Bret Ernst and the Arab guy did fucking that show with him. I didn't do Cobra Kai with him. I did another show where I played the meatball king with him. I don't even get what the name of that show for Disney X.

But no, we set up a deal, her and I. She's like, I just want you to go and do 10 minutes just to see how it feels. And her and I walked hand through hand with this. I didn't tell you guys, but in my mind, this is what we were doing. And I would check with her those eight weeks. I talked to her every fucking Monday. And we would go over my plan for the week. I'm going to go out on Thursday.

I had your feel last week. And guys, this is, uh, I had to go back to basics because I was going there just to pick up a check. All I cared about was Saturday night when the promoter handed me a check. I didn't care about really being there. All I was going there was for the money and I didn't like it. I did comedy. I did comedy for free for fucking 20 years for free. I would pop up and do a set 20 minutes.

So money was never the thing. I always knew the money would come. But somewhere along the line, when things started getting busy and the comedy took off guys from like 2016, 2017, I was writing. I was trying to be the best comedian I can, but I got to be honest. I wasn't enjoying it. I don't know why some people. I enjoy the struggle. I always have, you know, it got too easy.

I was getting audiences that were coming to see me. I could say whatever I want and get a lap. So it just seemed a little off. And that's why when I shot my special for Netflix, that fucking thing was off because I knew that I couldn't go to the comedy store. They were going to laugh no matter what. If I went to the comedy store and just got up there and hit myself in the head with a yellow page, they would laugh for fucking 15 minutes. That's how that place was mentally programmed. So I started taking chances and going down to the lab factory in Long Beachwood.

The problem with the lab factory in Long Beach is that nobody laughs at nobody down there. Those people going there for free. They just sit there waiting for a free drink and shit. And I would go to flappers in Burbank and they have a little bit more, I don't know, younger Burbank yuppie crowd. So my sets wouldn't be good in there. In fact, whenever I go in there, I definitely walk through people. If there was 30 in Burbank, I'd walk through people and I'd always hear two or three, you know, like, oh my God, did he really just say that? I'm like, yeah, I said that, but I didn't enjoy doing that no more.

I didn't enjoy, listen, I enjoyed the planes. You know, I loved the airports and shit. I loved the towns I was going to. But the whole stand up thing was just, it wasn't working for me at the time. So I wanted to give it a breather. That's why I was so fucking excited when this residency opened up in New York City because it was a six month residency. That's it. No more, no less. And again, we covered it.

We go, you're going to do all fucking six months. You're going to do Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. And then I want you to sit, take a month off. And I want you to really fucking evaluate what you felt. And that's fair with me. That's tremendous with me. We never talked about a movie coming up. We never talked about TV.

This whole thing was how I could be better, adapt and be a better comedian if I wanted to go that route. And so far, I'm having a good time in New York. It's fun. The drives are fun. Seeing Mike and everybody down the green room is fucking great. Do I want to do it every weekend? No. But I enjoyed doing it the one, you know, Wednesday, the next one's on a Wednesday, the one, Wednesday, the one day to month.

That's what I really enjoyed. But I got to tell you what, that came out of it. That came out of us working like a team. And that was perfect, you know, and I really enjoyed, that's what we did. That's all we discussed. There was nothing else that was really bothering me. I could sit here and tell you, this is bothering me. Nothing was bothering me.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of why I was feeling how I was about stand-up comedy. But then I read something when I did the last ad on Monday. I read a very interesting line in that pitch. You know, they alternate pitches and this line has always been fucking, it's always made me raise my eyebrow that sometimes you can fix that on a problem for so long that you don't take the time to find the solution. You know, I thought about that line and what they meant by that. I had a little situation a couple of nights ago. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, one of the parents and his wife, and I was talking about a situation. Just an LA, something that had happened that the guy never fucking, didn't have the balls to talk to us anymore.

He fucked up, but he decided just to, and he told my wife, just like we were talking about, I don't know, a couple weeks ago. And he told my wife at the last practice, he goes, you know, I've been watching Joey, and I dig Joey, but I think Joey has a little PTSD from LA. And he told my wife, I thought about it, and I'm like, she goes, are you upset? I go, not at all. I go, holy fuck, that seems about right. Oh my God, how can an outsider come up with the answer I was looking for? I knew I've been a little upset at times, not angry or really upset, but just like, what the fuck was that? When he said that to me, I fucking called him, I'm like, hey man, that is the most brilliant thing anybody has said about me. I go, what made you say that? And he goes, Joey, we go to dinners, we take the kids to fucking ice cream, we play softball together with the kids.

And he goes, I gotta tell you something, me and my wife admire you because you're so old school, you stick to your values. This is what you want to do, you know, and the people that you admire, the people, how you treat people and how they treat you around and how you admire people in that way. He goes, that's a very old school thing and people don't do that no more. And it fucking, it hit me in the head like, Jesus Christ, this guy got me figured out. And I tell you what I thought back to, I thought back to when the night Rogan called me, the pandemic was a full fucking force. I hadn't seen him in fucking months, you know, wasn't until like July or June when I did the podcast and it was fucking, it was very uncomfortable, you know, with the fucking COVID. I was nervous, but I'll never forget that we spoke like two months after that. It had to be like July and he called me up one night and I'd be 11 o'clock and he goes, Joey, you got a minute.

He goes, I'm moving to Austin and I'd like to buy you and Brian House and get our lives together down here and do all this shit. He wanted to open up a club and he had great ideas. And, you know, I love Joe, I love Joe and if it would have been any other time in my life, there would have been no hesitation. He got 100, 200 million from fucking Spotify. He offered me a little fucking Chateau in Austin and sure raising ducks, whatever the fuck it was. I'm like, this sounds perfect. This would have sounded perfect 10 years ago. But I go, no, I'm going home.

I use those exact words. I'm going home. He's like, what a fuck do you want to do that? I'm like, bro, I just got to go home for a while. You know, I really just got to go home. And he kept saying, why, why, why? And my answer at the time was we got this COVID, we got shit going on. We don't know where we're going.

And I think that it's hard enough being out here by yourself with no family. It was just three of us. Steve Simone Lee, Eric Rocha, Di Agostino. We, you know, it was, uh, I go, it's not a time to be out here dicking around with our family and without. Now you guys will say to me, well, you consider Joe your family. You consider Bert and all those guys, my family. They're my family. And I love them dealing with those guys.

And I love Felicia, who's going to be at the show next Wednesday. I love George Perez will also be at the show next Wednesday. I, I love these guys and that in no way was I disrespecting them. But I tell you what, my big problem was my, me saying I wanted to go home was another word for me to go. I wanted to be around my people. I wanted to be, it has been, you know, 23 in LA, two in Seattle and fucking 12 in Boulder and Aspen and Colorado and prison. I've had enough. I've had enough for, for 30 years.

I've been sucking in other ideals and learning, learning, honest to God, you learn, you can't be a fucking gorilla and live in Aspen and you can't be a gorilla and live in Boulder. They'll throw you in jail like they did to me. And it teaches you not to be a little soft out of be more compassionate with people. And then you go to a place like Seattle where it rains every day and there's still a set up about fucking Nirvana. And you know, yeah, we don't know what we're going to do with Chris Cornell or whatever, or, you know, Nirvana, whatever. And that was a complete different head. And I imposed my will. I did the best I could, you know, to fucking make it happen.

But at the same time, you're not home. You're not around your people, you know, and I'm not talking about you who's a slice of stupid fucking pizza or some potato chips. That's, that's superficial shit. I was looking to get back to normal. I just wanted my life. I didn't want to think about that stupid shit no more. A movie, a spot. I got to take a plane.

I was over it. But I think what pissed me off the most was just the people. I was done. I was, I was not used to what I had been around for the last 20 years. I got to be honest with you. I sit back now and I won't tell you who. But there's 15 people that I left in LA that I was friends with. That under any other circumstances, any part of my life, I would never be friends with these people.

Like I would have never allowed them in my house 20 years ago. Not, never, not never. I mean, I wouldn't, did not want these fucking people around. That's, and when I got here, our lives fucking ended. Those people I'm talking about do not contact me at all. That was, it's crazy. Listen, I talked to Theo, Bert calls from time to time. Tom calls from time to time.

Bill, you know, these are all great guys. But then again, I always felt like an outsider there. I always felt kind of alone because, you know, I always had to explain my fucking, whatever I did something because I was fucking pissed off. I always had to explain why I'd done it. Do you not understand? We're not looking at the same fucking thing here. We're not looking at the same fucking thing here.

You know, for fucking eight years, I went on the road with Joe Rogan. I can tell you the honest to God, let's just take conservatively from 98 to 2007. Until Joe went on the Maxim tour and he met Tom and Eddie Murphy's brother. I was on the road with Joe constantly. I dedicate, I didn't care. He took care of me. He nourished the funny. And he was great to work with.

He was my dog. I didn't care what date. I didn't care where it was. I'm coming. But every fucking time we landed in a city to my mother's fucking grave, to my daughter's eyes, I'll swear on a fucking stack of Bibles, every fucking city, every fucking weekend. I'm trying to get Ari on here next weekend to promote his new CD that's coming out in the second.

And I'll run it by Ari. There wasn't a fucking weekend. We didn't go away where somebody came up to Joe and go, hi, or a manager at a club or another comic would bring that comic over to Joe and go, Joe, this guy wants to tell me a story. What's the story? A year ago, I was an emcee and Carlos put me on stage and I did a joke about plumbing and a year later I saw it on Carlos HBO special or something to that effect.

We heard that same story every fucking weekend when we went out, every fucking weekend. When we went out, we heard some motherfucker come over to us and the stories were real. They were true. These people were not making these stories up and it was always a feature act, an emcee act, it was always something like that. And I'm not saying nothing bad about anybody, I'm just telling you what we fucking witnessed, okay?

Every weekend, I still remember being in Miami, a comic down there got robbed, we went to Columbus, a comic there got robbed, it was constant, okay? Then in 2000, you know, now that we're talking about him at the store, he was doing shit at the store, like he did a Christmas fucking show Carlos and he hired four comics and the show started at eight and the first comic didn't go on stage until 1130. Carlos stayed up there for three and a half hours. You know, it was just things that you do as a shitty fucking comic, a shitty person

and I have nothing against Carlos, I'm just trying to make a point here. I don't, I don't have nothing against Carlos. This is history so you guys can learn from this. And then we got back to LA and, you know, every other weekend, every other fucking club, the comedy magic club, wherever, you would hear it again. Carlos stole my joke, it was like he stole everybody's fucking joke and then he was caught in havoc at the store and then he robbed our, he's fucking joke about the immigration, the war.

Okay, so now you guys all saw that fucking tape, okay? He went up there on a Saturday night, took the mic from him, whatever the fuck happened, I wasn't there. But listen to the applause from the comics in the back. Listen to the audience, listen to all that shit. People, I mean, you know, it's like right now people bitch about Biden, Biden, Biden, Biden, Biden's no good, Biden's no good, we can't wait, we can't wait. And then we got some Chinese president and you guys start bitching, you know, you got rid of Biden. I mean, what the fuck do you want?

It's people are never satisfied. So what happened a week after that went down? After a week of eight years, people coming up to Joe Rogan, not just me, not, you know, in front of me. There was 22 more. Rogan got labeled as like a bad guy. He got thrown out of the store, his agency left him. And after about a week, comics were like, there was supposed to be a boycott at the comedy store. Mitchy Shore called and said, whoever boycotts me is out of the store.

The boycott was ended. Nobody fought for Joe Rogan. Nobody did nothing. Let me tell you something. I paid attention to that. That irked me for fucking years. That was one of the reasons I stopped going to the store. That was one of the reasons why I got away from comics. I said, if they do that to him, what will they do to me? So for eight years, this poor kid, everybody went to him every weekend. And when I have Ari on here, we'll go over this every weekend.

They went after Joe with Carlos for my bit. Carlos, I'm in therapy now. You know, it was every fucking weekend. So finally the guy sticks up for everybody and everybody just walked away from him. He got thrown out of there. He got banned from the store. And that's why I said, I don't need to go down there anymore. If this is the fucking comment take, let's go to fucking 10 years later. I'm not at the store no more. But every weekend I keep hearing about this fucking dumb ass fucking comedian

that keeps doing stupid shit up at the store. Dumb ass motherfucker. We don't need to mention his name. Why give him the fucking satisfaction? Dumb motherfucker. Goes down there. He's laying claims. He's bumping people. He's calling the booker who can't go up before me. Just shit that you wouldn't get away with. That only a shitty human being would do to other comics.

So you considered your friends. That's why today the guy has no fucking friends. Because he's shit on every one of his friends. He's out there living in Vegas by himself. Who gives a fuck? But this guy would always cause havoc and every week I would fucking hear something. Every two weeks this motherfucker did this. First off, he went at me one night and I was all coked up with the talent coordinator and I didn't know what they were talking about. So before I lost my fucking cocaine and had to go to jail, I let it slide.

It's not that I got sober that I went down there the next day. And I go, what the fuck were you motherfuckers talking about? And that's when I realized what they were trying to do. And I said, you know what? I don't need this in my life no more. Ten years later, I go back to the store and he's down there fucking laying claims again. I don't say nothing to the guy. Until one night I hear that he's calling the fucking phone booth. Telling them not to put Joe up to let him go up before Joe. Because who does that? Who fucking does that?

It's like, Doug, I haven't laughed harder in years, but this is how fucked up the world is, okay? So Marky Wahlberg made a video on Instagram because he was supposed to go to a gym in North Carolina, some bumfuck place at 3.30 in the morning and there was nobody there to greet him. So he made a video and it became a Yahoo story because Marky Wahlberg wanted to work out on a Saturday night or whatever fucking was at 3.30 in the morning and he made an appointment and nobody was there. He made a fuck. Are you fucking kidding me? Go do jumping jacks, you stupid motherfucker. I know you're cat, but go run. Go do something. You're gonna make a video and shit out of fucking gym because you wanted to lift weights at 3 in the fucking morning.

Go fuck yourself. You're a millionaire. Go to the hotel like everybody else. Do curls, swim in the pool. I don't give a fuck. But this is where we've gotten to. This is the mind of the celebrity. I'm here standing here and I like Marky Wahlberg. I love his movies. I used to see him at church. I saw him at cryotherapy. You know, I'm here at 3.30 in the morning and I want somebody to open up the gym. Go fuck yourself. If you called me and said Marky Wahlberg is going to the gym at 3.30, you need to be down there. Listen, I don't care if Jesus was coming with a band at 3.30 in the morning.

I'm at 7 like everybody else. 3.30 in the fucking morning. Oh Jesus Christ, but if they can't be different, I don't work out in the afternoon. I work out at 3.30 in the morning. Okay. So that's what these motherfuckers at. So back to the story. I get back to the store. This guy still calls the fucking havoc. Now he's angry because we're down there. He's talking behind our back. He's talking shit on the comedians. And one day I asked him what the fuck was up.

Joe asked me how come the store was better on the podcast and I laid it on him. Because that motherfucker don't go down there no more. He's a punk ass bitch. And all hell broke loose. And I went after the guy online. Fuck you. His wife got involved calling me fucking names. I called her a fucking cunt. And the next thing you know, everybody's happy. Thank you. People come up to me. That's the way to go after them. Thank you, man. That guy was a dick. And a week later, I'm hearing from fucking young comics, man.

That was wrong how you did that. Even one of the guys that was telling me like inside information about him came to me. And he's like, man, and I'll never forget what I said to a man. I can't believe you're a little rough on him. I go, if you would have had balls to do it, I wouldn't have been in that position. But even that whole calling out thing or whatever, I stuck with John, man. Joe got thrown out of there. I don't need to be down there. These are things that people from home do.

Not people from, that's the mentality. That's how awful one and one for all. Who's your best friend? Not the guy who's talking shit about you. The guy that's sitting next to you in the fucking cell. That's your best friend. When I look up, he's sitting next to you. He took a fucking chance too. He didn't give a fuck about anything. And this is like that day when they said that to me, like, ah, you were a little fucking heavy on him. Well, if you would have done your job, I wouldn't have been here. But all you motherfuckers wait for somebody to do your job and then you condemn them.

I was sick of all that shit. I was sick of every time you, you know, from the fucking calls, junior commercial, when I had to go out that director, wait, that's the first time that happened to me. That used to happen to me every fucking week with people who would have an uppity hand. Like they think they're uppity. They're better than you. Oh my God. We just came from eating hummus pancakes. Wait a second. Wait a second. You just can't eat hummus with chips. You're eating hummus fucking pancakes. So when I said I wanted to go home, it didn't necessarily mean that I wanted to come back to Jersey

and jump up and down with these yahoos and meant that I wanted to get together with people that looked at life the same way I looked at it, that wouldn't sell their soul for a fucking commercial or for an Instagram post or that shit gets old guys. That's all I wanted to do. So that line in fucking on the bed out thing really fucking blew my fucking mind when it all came to fruition. I'm not pushing therapy today. I'm just telling you what worked for me and I'm telling you what I got out of therapy after a year and a half that I needed to come home. I needed to think the way I used to think without people saying to me, that's the wrong way to think. You shouldn't have said that.

You should have said it. No, you have to say it. This guy's a fucking jerk off. These people out of their fucking mind. So I'm happy that I came full circle with the therapy. I'm very happy that I'm at the place I'm at. I got four more shows left per day. There's instructions and then we're going to reevaluate. She gave me her number. She gave me an email for everyone into a spot. You know, it just worked out great for me. And I'm apologizing because for years I came on a podcast with Lee and sometimes with Mike and sometimes with Felicia. I didn't put down therapy, but I wasn't very optimistic about it.

I think I went into it not knowing what I was going to get. I got the answer what I wanted, but I also got the whole motivation of what got me back here. Whenever I say L.A. or the Hollywood scene, I am not condemning people or the clubs or the restaurants. I had some good friends in L.A. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the mindset that is L.A. when you're in the entertainment business. I learned something else last week that I want to apologize for. Listen, man, I've said some crazy shit in my time and God knows what motivated it. God knows, you know, God knows, you know, something happened early in the day.

Something happened two weeks ago. Something happened four years ago. Something happened four years ago. You know, I've never been put on meds to control who I am or what I am. I do take anxiety medication to help me feel better, to help me not fucking sweat bullets every day. And it's worked along with the therapy, my working out, my fucking work with Mike doing movies. Being a parent, I got it all to work for me. From time to time, I say shit on the podcast that I look at the initial, but then I wash it happens and I don't look at, you know, what's that expression? You won the war, but you lost a battle or you lost a battle, but you won the war, you know. A couple weeks ago, I came out and I said what I felt that that Kanye West guy was, he just stopped taking his fucking meds, guys.

He either that mixed with wanting to get attention, mixed with just wanting to be heard and common retardation. God knows what he was saying and I, I tried to just, you know, calm it down a little bit like, and he doesn't need for me to calm it down. I just try to lay it down in my terms. The guy's got mental health issues. You know, I noticed that all the Jewish people in California went up in arms and not one Jew in Jersey said something. You know what I'm saying? We're tough Jews down here, but J. Lee Curtis, her father was Spanish, her father was Jewish and she was crying for two days. You know, so that's when I read that shit, that shit bothers me because really you were crying for two days over Kanye West is fucking, but everybody has a different fucking whatever. Then I thought about, I spoke to a friend of mine, some things happen. I guess that, you know, he said stuff.

And all of a sudden last week in LA and I've heard this from a few people. That all these anti Nazi groups and all these fucking hate groups started coming out on the 405 and the 10 and that passing out fucking. They're passing out flyers and Beverly Hills. You know, you know, guys, again, I don't know what's going on in the political arena and I don't care. I just deal with people how they treat me on a daily basis. You know, I have a lot of Jewish friends and the statements I made about Kanye, one of them called me and he goes, Joey, I didn't get mad at you. But Jesus Christ, you're letting them go off with the retardation card. I go, listen, man, the world is not in good shape right now.

I don't know why he made those statements, but whatever the fuck, you know, just we're going to be fine. You know, it doesn't fucking matter, but you know, I learned something. I called one of my buddies from LA called me and I go, can you believe CAA canceled, you know, got rid of Kanye. This is like yesterday, the other day before and he goes, Joey, they had to. He goes, even CAA, who's, you know, they're the top agency in the world. They gave him like a week. They gave him like a week. They didn't cut him when he made the first Jewish remarks.

They didn't. They gave him like a week. They said, you know, he's off his meds or whatever. I tell you what made them cut him to hate that all of a sudden arose in Beverly Hills and in California. Not California as a whole, but in Hollywood, the hate that came on and the freeways and the passing of flyers and people are saying shit to people. But he also told me a story about the Mero race in LA that one of the guys is Jewish. I mean, it's just, and you know what I learned? I learned that now, listen, I sit there every night just like you guys and I watch some sort of news.

Maybe it's like Channel 12, the local Jersey thing for the weather. And for the last year, they've been talking about the capital rides, right? The January 6th, January 6th, January 6th. I'm sitting there and right when I was, I understood when I got the thing about Kanye, I was thinking about it. And I saw the thing about January 6th and it fucking hit me. It fucking hit me like, listen, I grew up just like you guys watching TV, watching the news, watching movies, listening to music. I never, like, I don't know, I looked up to like Bruce Lee and Charles Bronson. But if these guys came on Twitter or social media and said, jump off a bridge, I don't think me and my friends would have jumped off a bridge as much as we liked Bruce Lee.

You know what I'm saying? Like at that age, at the age of 10 when he died, I don't think so. You know, when you're a high profile person, i.e. Kanye, i.e. Trump, i.e. even Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan is the king of this. When you say things, they're not perceived of like what Mike says something. And when I say something, the following is so big that you got to assume the following is that big. That half of them are off their fucking rocker and they'll do whatever the fuck you're talking about, you know. With Kanye, I saw that he got all these people fucking fired the fuck up.

Not two or three people, not Michael Rappaport or, you know, fucking Howard Stern. I'm talking this guy got people on the streets fired up. You know, he got people in these cities fired up, at least LA. I'm not talking about cities, plural, city, at least LA fired up. Well, now I understand what happened when Trump, when he went off on the sixth or the fifth or whatever, and people went down there. You know, people went down there. Now I understand when these fucking people went after Joe with the misinformation stuff. Because whether it was right or it was wrong, people were fucking going to do it anyway.

When, when fucking Trump said to shoot bleach, remember during the pandemic, he said to drink bleach and like 80 fucking people turned up in emergency rooms with fucking a bottle of bleach. Hey, my fucking throat don't work no more. You're like, what the fuck? That was just a fucking thing. He said not to do it, you know, and people fucking did it. So it's scary that when somebody in a high profile speak, like the fucking, you know, a lot of people don't have that. Like if Jimmy Kimmel was to say something, nobody would give a fuck. But Trump, Kanye, Rogan, you know, I'm not mad at Joe for anything.

I love what Joe was doing. But I understand now why people were scared, which they shouldn't have been scared of at all. He was given the best information that he had at the time. It's just fucking weird how people, you know, Pink Floyd broke that album animals as part of a book that George Orwell wrote or something like that. I have to look it up. I think it's Animal Farm, George Orwell. And guys, if you listen to the lyrics to sheep, we are falling right into what they said on the album animals. I had animals on the other night.

I was just making notes like I was writing some type of stupid joke. And I'm like, these people are saying what people today are becoming. Where we the sheep, dogs or fucking pigs? You know, when I see these politicians arguing every day to, you know, these, why are people arguing on podcast guys? What are all these podcasts is fighting about the same biggie fucking two bucks no more. The same East Coast. It's just the world's going to fuck that place. But it's always great to learn and say, wow, that's why these things happen.

I had a great week this week. As far as I'm concerned, I learned about two things. I learned about myself and I learned about how, yeah, you have to be a little fucking careful with your words. When people look at you in that. Listen, I've never had people look at me like that and I don't want people to fucking do what I say. I just throw you an idea. And if it works for you, you work for you. If it doesn't, I fucking get it.

I'm not, I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm a fucking ex felon. I'm a high school fucking dropout and I have a hard time waking up in the morning. But I did do a lot of good things with my life and I'm really happy about that. I'm happy that I went to a therapist and I ate my words. And I'm happy that I'm here fucking drug-free, drama-free, smoking some reefer. Listen, man, I took fucking two. I haven't taken those mushrooms since the weekend.

The sillies that I love. I took three of them last night and 400 milligrams of ABX edibles. Let me tell you something. I laid down last night. It was tremendous because I don't know if my cat knew that I was on mushrooms. I think she fucking did these cats a genius. Because I'm laying there last night. Now she crawls on me this way on me.

So she's on my side. Usually I pop my left hand up and I scratch her nose with it. And since she's here, I can't reach around to scratch her back. So what I do is I slide my hand down so she slides into this pocket right here at the edge of the bed. And I could scratch her and we could both be comfortable. But she's scared. She thinks I'm going to grab her and give her a bunch of kisses. So every time she slides, she puts a fucking brace on with her nails and she flies on the other side.

And then she'll stand and let me pet her. But if she's sleeping and I lay her and I pet her sides, a belly is so soft, the hair and shit. She loves it. And then I could scratch her neck from underneath with my long hand and she goes fucking apeshit her nose leaks. She sneezes and shit. Fucking tremendous. Last night I tried to lure her in there and she got, she left. She went and got something to eat and I'm about to fall asleep.

The mushrooms are fucking kicking. I got a thousand different thoughts on my coconut. And all of a sudden, herself, she came over and slid there. I was in shock. So I got to scratch her sides, her face, whatever. Then at her fucking call, she just popped up and got on me and sat here for a little while and I was falling asleep. And then about one, I woke up and I had something against my fucking back. I'm like, I can't turn.

I mean, it was right there in the wedge. I couldn't turn and shit. And I fucking look over and how do you think the bitch is laying sideways so I could scratch her side, but close to me. Do you know how many times she's done that in fucking 12 years? None. That bitch knew those fucking mushrooms were kicking because it made me think, why is she there? Why is she laying on there and fucking baffled me to act? I actually had to get up, go to the bathroom when I came back.

Even though the blanket was on top of, you know, when you flip the blanket, she didn't fucking move. When I put the blanket back on top of me, she stayed right there and I'm like, this bitch knows I'm on the mushrooms. Yeah, she fucking knows. Anyway, that was our podcast for today. I learned something last week and that's what I'm excited about. Listen, we got a podcast coming on Monday, but I'm starting to shoot this movie next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. So if you don't get a second one, never fear. Uncle Joe is here.

I'll still be putting on the Joey Diaz Project Patreon podcast and I'll figure something out with Mike to give you guys a podcast. I got a show in the city next Wednesday. So, yeah, that's that's my schedule. I'm very sorry about this, guys, but you will have the Monday morning fucking breakdown. Don't forget the show next Wednesday and I love you, motherfuckers. Have a happy Halloween. Be careful for fentanyl. When you say trick or treat, make sure you say no fentanyl with that treat, motherfucking.

There gonna be a lot of fentanyl. Then they just get 10 pounds of fentanyl on the Mexican border or something like that. A lot of fentanyl for the holidays. Give out apples and if you fucking eat candy, make sure it comes with a number on it. You know what house it fucking came from. Have a happy Halloween. Be safe. I love you, motherfuckers.

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CBD lion. It's been a great week. I love you. I can stay black and I'll see you Monday morning. Tip top motherfucking magoo. We did it.