Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #209 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone, Mike Robuck and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined in studio by Comedian Steve Simeone who's cd "Remember This For When You're Sad comes out October 13th. Joey's friend Mike Robuck calls in to talk about his book Gun Trader's Guide by to Collectible Knives. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Naughty By Nature -Hip Hop Hooray Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around 52 Girls -The B - 52's   Recorded on 09/01/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash joey that's HuluPlus.com slash joey and by DollarShaveClub.com. Get high quality wages sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to DollarShaveClub.com slash church that's DollarShaveClub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the DollarShaveClub banner. The show is also sponsored by Anant.com. Go there to get Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech, New Mood, Strongbone, anything like that. Use codeword church to get 10% off of your order and lastly the show is sponsored

by hitesigs.com. That's hitesigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the e-sig. Use codeword joey's church to get 20% off of your order. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's a Monday night motherfuckers. September 1st, the rent is due but who gives a fuck? You can't wear white no more so you gotta stick in your ass. Oh Monday night. It starts tomorrow motherfuckers. Stevie Simone in the motherfucking church. Police are yet with a little red shirt. You and that motherfucker with some brownies. Oh, it's a motherfucking Monday smoking, toking, sticking it in the mouth, put it in her neck. What? It's a church. What's happening now motherfuckers? Let's do this, Lee. What's up you bad motherfuckers? Steve Simone house. My main man, the flying Jew in the fucking house.

What up? What's up guys? You know me. Missing you. Had a good weekend. How about you brother? My weekend was great. Those tacos were the best way to put a button on the weekend. The Mexican mother-in-law was away for a month. She was in Mexico. So I'll get any ain't good. And last night we went to go get the Chinese food down in Santa Monica. No, no, no. The food was great. It's not worth the fucking but actually at a park, somebody stole my parking spot and I yelled at him. Like I normally would have just left but I fucking yelled at him like you. And they gave you a spot? No, fuck no. He was in a big truck so I got scared so I didn't get out of my car but I yelled at him. But we had the food was great

but we saw somebody walking by with these like fried taco sort of things. So Paul called her mom at like 10 o'clock at night last night. She went to the store first thing this morning, made some delicious tacos and had a little bit of a cheat day. Nice. No, no, he brought them fucking delicious. He showed up like a drug dealer. Look at that bag of blow he brought me telling me. Delicious Mexican cheat. That's from the cartel. Some kid on the bus brought that up in his lunchbox from Mexico and shit. The other night I possibly had the funniest phone call I had with this fucker. Really? What happened? Oh my god. So I was stoned and I call him up and I'm excited at least going out now. For you people who listen to the podcast and I get an email once a week

leave that kid alone. You give them edibles, you corrupt them. This is why I give this fucker edibles because I call him up at 10 there and I go are you excited about the show? And he stuttered and he's like I, I, I, I, I, I guess so. I go so what's the story? You gonna eat a piece of edible? He goes oh no, no, no, we're gonna have a smoothie and go to the show. I almost died when he said he was gonna have a fucking smoothie and go to the show. And I go so what, you ain't falling, gonna eat an edible? Oh no, no, no, she's gonna take a piss test. I'm like, as they're telling you about the piss test, you just keep handing it to them. They'll talk about it for an hour about the piss test. You just keep handing it to them. How did you go to see the Jews with not even a little bite?

I'm so glad I didn't because there was crazy in there. I actually, I had my first experience with a douchebag LA door guy. Like the guy, the people in front of us were trying to get in. Like we had like a guarantee be in by like 11 but there's a general admission line. So the guys in front of us were on the wrong line and the doorman was like oh no you gotta go stand over there unless you want to pay me. And they were like to get in and like the guys were like how much? And he said just show me and I'll tell you if it's enough. So they took out like 20 bucks each and like he was like nope. So they went to a different line and I was like holy, I've never experienced that before. And then actually a bunch of people and I, I only remember one name

because it was Jimmy. There was a guy named Jimmy but there were like five or six people there from the podcast. Oh that's cool. Very nice. Thank you for coming over and saying hi. But it was a lot of fun. And you jump up and down? Fuck yeah. Did you sweat? Fuck yeah. You didn't get high or nothing? Not even a fucking edible? No, no. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. He takes his, well you're supposed to take her out and show that you're a fucking flying Jew of men on the edge. What does that mean? On the edge. You're taking her out and she said right away you look at her and go we're doing some X tonight. And she said I can't, I'm an attorney and you're just going to get, and you just give her like aspirin, fake her out. But she's not around

the show here. She doesn't need an aspirin and she knows what aspirin looks like. Here's a fuck. You, I will give you a white aspirin. What do you think? To make it exciting here? It was exciting. It was a great time. Yeah. Oh the one thing, they were selling the Mexican hot dogs right inside the club. Wrapped in bacon. Yeah. So what club was it? Avalon. Right on Hollywood. Yeah. And then what time did you get in there? So you walked into 11 and then you go home to one. Right. Yeah. And what the fuck do you do to one? Luckily they had an upstairs seating area. So we just sat down and like at one couches and waited for the, for the opening acts to finish. And that's actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about this. But first of all, I don't really think

there should be opening acts for musicians because no one ever really wants them to be there. And then also I had a great time, but I realized I've been following this band for seven years and they started with a bunch of new stuff, but finished with some older stuff. And as comedians, you guys always are, people always say, oh, you should have new material. But with musicians, a lot of times you really want the old stuff and the new stuff. You're like, fuck this. I don't, I don't care about that. So like, I was interested in how it's different. It's amazing. If you pay $200 to see Led Zeppelin, you will be pissed if you don't see Stairway to Heaven. Absolutely. So I watched an interview years ago. I can't remember who the fuck it was on one of those stupid

heavy metal shows. Yeah, I love it. I love that stuff on VH1. Me too. And he was talking about, he goes, you know, you want to get away from those. I mean, how many times can you sing? Yeah. You know, I think it was Judas Priest. And he goes, but people want to hear a medley of him. It's like when you watch the Super Bowl show with Paul McCartney, these things get back. You're like, should I fucking shoot myself now or later? But that's what I guess the status quo wants to hear. Not me. I want to hear something new, you know, mix it in. But have you ever gone to a concert where they play three great, great songs? No, this is something else I knew out of all of a sudden. It's just like, yeah. So there's the other side of that fucking coin. When you go

to a show, you want to hear shit that you know and sing along. And then because you guys have both, I was interested in what it's like to be the featured act or even the opener or the host, because at least at a music concert, it kind of feels almost hostile towards them. Like no one really wants them to be there. At least in comedy, I never, they're making them laugh. And even though them, you might not be the person they're there to see, they know what's going to be 20 minutes. The opening act is like an hour and a half. And he kept clapping when he was done with the song and everyone thought he was going to be done. He kept going and going. So what is it like to be there when you know they're there for someone else? It's kind of weird.

It's amazing with music because when I first started going to concerts, the thing was you never got there until 8.30. Because who wanted to see the opening act? And that all changed once I went to see Black Sabbath in Van Halen. I was going to see that 78 tour? That 78 tour. Oh my God, you saw that? So in my mind, I was like, I'm always going to catch the opening act. And because of that, I caught Def Leppard opening up for Judas Priest. I've caught a lot of great Iron Maiden opening up for Judas Priest from the year. I caught a lot of great bands that I wouldn't have. And I don't know why. I don't know why. I always went to the first band. I don't, and I seen a lot of bad ones get me wrong. With comedy, what do you think it is? Well, I think with comedy in

general, there's very few headliners that people specifically come out and see. There's you, there's Rogue, and there's guys that have hardcore fans. And that is changing now as comedy is getting more important. But I would say the vast majority of people at Improv or a Funny Boner or Comedy Club on the road, they're coming out on a Saturday night to see comedy in general. Really? You think so? In general, yeah. And then I also think when it is a big name act, like when I get to open up for you, your fans love you so much, they know that you picked me. So they give me a level of respect that I wouldn't get normally. Because they're like, oh no, this is Joey's guy. So it's more like you're presenting your opening acts to the world. They're friends. They're friends. Yeah,

so you put together. Joe did the same with a lot of guys do. Right. I like working with a lot of comics. I love a fan of comics. But when it comes to those weekends, I want to feel comfortable. I want to work with people I know. Absolutely. And I want to work with people who are funny. I want to work with people that aren't scared. I don't want to go through shit. I want you to do your job. I want you to fucking kill them. Yep. I want you to kill them. I want funny guys in front of me. I want them to get a feel of different styles. Yeah. I did San Jose and both guys cursed. Yeah. At the fucking feats of fucking purpose. Absolutely. Put that show fucking together. Right. Who put that fucking genius thing together. So there's different things to show. I love going

to watch comedy. Okay. When you're sitting down here, I hate these rude motherfuckers that walk in as the MCs come out. Right. It bothers the fuck out of me, especially the ones that walk in and think it's cute. Yeah. Those are the guys. They sit in the waitress. When you're on stage and you're trying to do a joke, even if somebody's whispering and the audience don't hear him, you hear it. Yep. And it fucks with your time. Yep. So all those little things give us the respect. You know, me, thank God I went to see that show because I was always trained to go see the opening act. I always wanted to go see everything early. Yep. If I went to a basketball game, I want to go see if you go to a baseball game, batting practice. Oh yeah. It's what it's all about. Now I don't go

because I'm older and I'm ruined and I'm fucking spoiled. But when I was 12, I don't want to go to the fucking game in the third inning. I don't give a fucking Roberto Clemente. It's making a comeback. Batting practice is the whole thing. Yep. You know how I knew I wasn't getting to the UFCs no more? I stopped going to the weigh-in. Wow. I didn't give a fuck about the fight. The weigh-in is where you see the whole thing. The excitement. Right from the weigh-in. Right from the weigh-in. I could tell you who's going to win, who's going to lose. Wow. Who's not doing well. Who's disshocked them. There's too many lights. Yeah. What do you think about what happened to Hennan Burrow? That's crazy. Yeah, it's, you know, it's just, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more for people

who don't know he passed out when he was trying to cut weight. And it's, I don't know how much of a weight cut he has, but for the people of big ones, I'm surprised it doesn't because they're dehydrating themselves. Yeah. So it's, it's whatever the fuck it is, but it's just really weird how you, it's a great question. Like when I was a feature actor, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck whether you were there to see me. Right. Whether you were there to see the headline of my job was to rock the fucking house. Absolutely. Whether you like me or fucking not. That was my job to rock that fucking house. Yep. So in my mind, I know there's a lot of people that go on stage thinking, well, they're not here to see me. They're here to see Steve Stemot. You just lost.

Yeah, I never thought like that. I'm not there to blow Steve Stemot out of the water. I'm there to add sugar to the show. I agree. The show and stand up to me is still very much about the headliner. And I always view my job as an opener is to get them ready for the headliner. Like I have all different kinds of bits or whatever. And then I can feel for my style of comedy to work, the audience has to come together as a group. I don't have jokes. I don't have one liners. So I need them all to be together. So when I go into a story, they're listening. And then I know when they're all together, the headliner is going to have an easy time. There are sometimes if you got 20 minutes, 25 minutes as a feature that you might get them right away. But then there are other

times where I'm going to have to earn my money with this crowd. And by the time I leave the stage, I always whisper, all right, they're ready for you. I did my job. I got them ready. I got them paying attention. I didn't beat them up. I didn't curse. I didn't end on a big high energy bit. I didn't try to fuck you. I just I got them perfect for you. And that's my job. I want the guy in front of me to end the high energy bit. So the MC comes up and just brings me up. See, the MC is the most important fucking catalyst in that show. And until you learn how to MC, you will not grow as a comment. I wanted to perfect my spot as an MC for years. I will, if I'm working with Joe, I'll still go up first. I don't give a fuck about that line of money. Right. Because I know what I

want to do. Why is the MC the most important job? Because he controls the show. He's the point guard. If you got five black guys, they just want to run back and fucking forth and throw the ball up in the air. You get, you put one white guy in there, Bob Guzzi, to slow everything down. If I got two killers that are headliners, I want to slow this show down a little bit. I'm going to control this show. I'm going to go up there, introduce myself. How are you doing? I got two killers behind me. I'm still going to do my job, but I'm going to do it very subtly. Then I'm going to go into my material, then I have announcements, and then I'm going to bring up Steve. And judging how Steve does is what I'm going to do up second. If Steve blows the fucking roof up clean,

I'm going to go up there and bring him right up there. Because they're ready. Because they're ready. If he blows up the room dirty, but still blows it up, I'm going to go up there. If I have a clean liner, headliner and take the bad taste out of their mouth, I'm going to keep with the energy, but I'm going to take the fucks out of the material. Those are all little things that you learn and experience. When you first get into it, you're just looking to do good. When I first joined Jiu Jitsu, I'm just looking to fucking breathe. When you miss the gun, I don't give a fuck. I'm breathing. Fuck your arm. I'm breathing. Now, did somebody tell you this? Did somebody explain that to you? Because it seems like they wouldn't. Nobody really explained it to me.

I started figuring it out to make the show better. When I worked with Joe, I had so much love for Joe that my goal was to make the show that much better. So my goal was to get him started, but not bury Ari. Ari's my brother. So I would tame off the last two minutes, slow my pace down to Ari's breathing. I would slow it down. I wouldn't move anymore. These are things you pick up as you get to know the people you work with. And now when I go on the road, I compare those two. These are the lessons I've learned, but I did not learn on the road. I learned at the comedy store, hosting on Sunday nights. I always took that very seriously. I took that, even if I was out Friday side on Sunday, headlining Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I always called in

for Sunday, no matter how tired I was, how much blow I snorted on Saturday night. I always made it to the Sunday MC spot because that was where everything else mattered. Nothing else mattered. Those shows, I didn't fucking Las Vegas, that people laugh. That don't matter no more on Sunday nights. I'm back to square root and I would put myself in that position. And this is the position I put myself for people who don't know. It's two minutes left in the fight. It's the third round and I'm on my back against the cage. And that's how I wanted to come out. I wanted to get out of that position. It sounds kind of like it's like almost kind of a team sport. Like, I don't know I don't know much about it, but every time I hear them describing the Tour de France,

they have some people who are there to help. There's only like a leader, like Lance Armstrong, would have been the leader and there's some guys who are there to help him on his team, but they're not going to win the Tour de France. So it sounds like the MC, like if let's say you had to go and slow them down a little bit. If the MC gives a fuck. But you might not kill them, you might not get all the laughs, but it's going to help the headliner. Is that what you're saying? For sure. Okay. I'm looking to make this show better. It's all about the show. I'm always looking to make the show better. When I was in Miami all those years, and I used to work a lot in Miami, yeah, Joe Chadwick would tell me, this motherfucker is asking me for a lot of money, go up there and

bury this bitch. And as a joke, I would go up there and bury these fucking Gentiles because I knew they had not, you know what I'm saying? They were pissing me off. This guy's making more than me and he's had one. He's a fucking bum, you know, and then I would go out there and fucking bury him, you know, but then I started realizing it was helping me, but it wasn't helping the show. When I was a kid, I'd say I was with this kid, Dennis, that was a great kid. He was a great basketball player, but his mantra was, is not whether you win or lose, how many points you score. So I knew where he was coming from. As much as I loved him, I knew where he was coming from. Some people always tell you, it's not whether the show sucks or whatever, the headliner,

it's how I do. That's great. When you find yourself in whatever hometown you're in, 10 years from now, say the LA sucks, that was the attitude that got you. I agree with that. I go on stage to make that show better. Sometimes I do and sometimes I fucking don't, but in my heart, that's what I'm looking for. That's the goal. That's always the goal. You know, sometimes it's funny how Lee went and did sets with me last week, but I'm having a really hard time. What's up? Really struggling material wise, joke wise, timing wise. They got a little better for me on Saturday and stuff like that. Long beach was good for me, but Thursday and Friday were just weird nights. And I was telling Lee that you go from

these patches and the quicker, it makes you want to quit, but the quicker I get through this patch, the quicker I'll get to the next level. And it sucks. And I gotta tell you something, it's really great being back at the store. You have no idea how it is for us to have Uncle Joey back. It's the greatest. One of the reasons why I left the store, there was 10 reasons, but the main reason was I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want to be that guy that when you pulled up to the store, I was back there talking about the store 10 years ago. You know, like he saw people the other night, you know, Kenneson and giving me tags. And I get it. It's heartbreaking. And I didn't want to be that guy. And I remember

when I first got to the store, the older guys were getting into beeps. I was there when Dave Tyree and Joe Roe got into a beef. Whoa. Dave Tyree picked up a bottle. Did he know Christmas Eve? What year? There was no alcohol at the store. Remember when Paulie had the Halloween and that was before I got there. I heard about that. I was there with Frankie Pace, when that Joe wrote it at the stage. They went out in the main room. You know, I was there when I saw Willie Parsons say shit about me. I was there with the guy that played the violin, said shit about me and I had to push him. There was a lot of different confrontations there with the older comic. Somebody had a problem with Tripoli from the old school. And I didn't like that

because let me tell you something and let's get this out of the way right now. When a comic has and I'm number one, I'll tell you right out. When a comic has another problem with another comic between you and I, the main source of this is a little bit of jealousy and it grows into a different thing about a joke or a bit of the shoes he wears or the chicks he fucks. But it's a little bit of jealousy and I have it. I'm going to tell you that I'm guilty of it also. A lot of comics I don't like. It's not because I don't like them. Maybe I'm a little jealous of them. So if I went back to the store that night before I had the colonoscopy and I was watching Bean there and I had my spiritual fucking minute from fasting and I knew right before the morning,

tomorrow morning, I'm calling the store. So as I get back from this colonoscopy, I'm calling the store. I knew that there was going to be a couple things on my personal rule. I knew that I had to be a better comic than those guys in the sense of I had to act like a veteran. I wasn't going to go on there to hate on nobody. I wasn't going to go on there to hate on the younger guys because there's no reason to hate them. These are the guys that are going to keep me in peanut butter and jelly when I'm 60. These are the guys that are going to call me and say, go Joey, I got to show I want you to play my grandfather. You help me at the store that one night with a stupid joke. This is my bread and butter, these young guys. And I'm their bread and butter. They could come to

me and go Joey, I booked 18 fucking, I still remember it as easy coming up to me and go dog. I've been on six producer sessions. I haven't booked none of them. Me looking in the face and going, you're getting closer. And him not understanding it. Like not understanding, like how can I be getting closer? I keep hearing no, you're getting closer. You got to get like 200 fucking nose. That means you got six nose. You're down 194. Get ready for a bunch of nose. And you hope that the yes is a good yes. It's not a hundred dollar a day movie. The yes is like Wheel of Fortune. You ever go to Vegas in your wheel? Oh, fortune. It spins like that. You just got to make sure it spins and it lands on a hundred fucking quarters.

It's not going to, it always lands on 10 or a W or a fucking cocktail. But you know, sometimes the wheel for me stops on a hundred dollar a day movie. So this one time it stops on a denero movie. There's yeses. You just got to make sure you align the odds. So those yeses are big yeses. We can't, we can't control when the yes is going to come. You just hope it's a good one. Yes is a good one. It's an HBO special. An agency wants to sign you a movie with Tom Hanks before I left. By the way, guys, I gotta tell you something because I don't know. I know that you're a fan. Seven o'clock on Nick at night, it changes. So one minute you're watching Peppa Pig with your daughter. They sign off and also they hit you with a movie. Tonight's movie

was fucking Splash with Tom Hanks. Wow. John Candy, Tom Hanks, Daryl Hammond. You've never seen that movie. I've seen part of it. I've almost did not come. After John Candy's second joke. I was sitting there when he was throwing the coins under the checker and looking up, looking up boat and looking up the sky. This is fucking craziness. And Tom Hanks, he's that little girl and he jumps over and with that little girl's crying, the dog, that is a real fire. And I'm sitting there going, this movie came out like the weekend, the Hotel New Hampshire, I think, I forget, and Pope Gregory's Village or something. I go, what made me go see this movie? Because this changed my life forever. Well, I saw John like

yesterday I watched. I'm laid up, guys. I got a bad fucking knee. So anything that's on my DVR now is a time to watch. I've been watching The Honeymooners. Last night I got up before in the morning and I watched the one when he went roller skating and he fell in the roller skating rink and he couldn't get up and he went back to the house and he's yelling at him. He's like, you know how fucking embarrassing it is to fall in the middle of a roller skating rink and they start laughing. He goes, laugh. And also everybody starts laughing. He starts laughing. He goes, you know, it's not, he goes, this is the way the show ends. He goes, it's not doing things that young people do that keep you young. It's the memories in your head that keep you young. Oh my God, I started

bawling and I'm watching fucking this last night and I'm thinking to myself, this is where I got my comedy chops. Let's get it out of the way. Norton and Ralph, somewhere in there, I got my comedy chops. But when I saw John motherfucking candy and splash was when I said, I got to figure something out. That motherfucker in that movie. He's a beast. It's just a beast. It's an acting beast, a comical genius beast. It's timing. There's one in the beginning. Tom, I got to talk to you. What? The missing money in the thing. It wasn't me. Where? In the box. It wasn't, no, it was me. That's how the movie sounds. You know, man, I love this guy. Look, that really takes the book out. Lesbian no more. And then the guy, yeah, he hugs the guy. What do you know? Great pool player.

Cheats like a motherfucker. You know, he just did and I'm watching this going, Jesus fucking Christ. Whoever took me to this movie. Change your life. I got to change my life. This was it. That there's like 10 scenes in that movie with John when he goes and gets them out. And he goes up to the fucking guy in the pond and he has to speak in Swedish. Oh my God. One of the best laughs of my life. Oh my God. The guy's like, how did you know? He goes, anybody knows that all the good porn is made in Sweden. I just told that guy to fucking sharpen his dick or something. I had a 12 inch penis. What? Why do I have to tell you? I have a 12 inch penis. Oh my God. And I'm sorry, guys, to get off. I remember when I went inside the press,

the church is coming on in 40 something minutes. I almost pressed. Fuck you. John Kandy, everything he did, I loved because that's one of the reasons why I love you because it's the mixture of, uh, you can see that you could see his soul when he's being funny. There's levels to his performances that nobody's really touched. In that room, after the wedding, when they were in that bar, that dark, dark bar and he's drunk, Tom Hanks and he's at the bar hanging out. He's fucked up. I'll fucking, I'll pay 10,000 to a fucking investigator to go to that fucking when they shot that scene. And I'm telling you, John Kandy is fucking lit. He's probably like, listen, I don't know what time he bitches gonna shoot this scene, but I gotta get this party started. I

got a package on the way. I got cheeseburgers on the way. That scene when he goes to John Kandy, he goes, you leaving? And I got these girls, they got a fucking time resort in Rio de Janeiro. And Tom Hanks like, I really want to go. And he goes, you sure? You all right? You got money? And he goes, yeah, yeah. Can I have some? Nobody. And I've said this 10 times, nobody has ever used that line like that where he goes, can I have some? His soul was there. Yeah. And he knew he was fucking around. He turned, remember, he falls and he goes, not in the peanuts. It's such a fucking bridge. And Tom Hanks, who last night I was watching a league of their own. Another fucking masterpiece by Tom Hanks. Masterpiece. This is the guy I

boycotted because he cried when he got the Academy Award for Philadelphia. You boycotted him? For like three or four years. I don't know how far he was going. Do you have like a book of stuff like the pages to make sure? Boycotted him on a personal level. That's how I wrote. I'm like the Armenian, the guy I used to buy cocaine from, but I wrote a bit about it. The rock? What's that? No, that's the other guy. What's the other expression? 69 or 68? What does that mean? When you throw somebody out of a blood bar? Oh, 86. 86. That's what you tell people. No, no, no, no. You do not have to talk to me. I am 86 and you from me. And he'd walk away. I'm 86 and you from me. Goodbye. Goodbye. You're 86. You did that to Tom Hanks. You're 68, you're 86. Who me? He did that to Tom Hanks

because of its Oscar speech. 86, though. Once he cried for Philadelphia when they had the warts on his face. Did he? I never saw that movie. I never saw it. Philadelphia is a good fucking movie, though, with Denzel Washington. Oh, that's a good fucking movie. Have you seen the trailer for Denzel's new movie? I can't watch it. Why? Because he shot his love with Man on Fire. It looks like the same thing. It's the same thing. I wish you had more time. I can't do it. All you should do is just sequence Man on Fire. He's dead. Who knows if he's dead? He faked it, maybe. You don't know if he's fucking dead. When those Mexicans had him, he could have had an explosive. He blew off his leg. He fucking crawled to fucking some part of Mexico. They put a rubber leg on him like that guy in

South Africa that killed his girlfriend. One fucking leg and one fake leg. Then they fucking find him. Well, what's his name? Gets him. They take him to DC and they program him. They could let him loose. I'd watch every one of those. Why did we stop with this? They could let this fucking guy loose like Jason Bourne. Back to that comedy story thing. I'm very proud that I'm back there now. We love you. I know that I'm going to go through a growing stunt there. It's back to doing 20 minutes after that. I totally, I go, leave one, leave one with this girlfriend. I had a horrible set. But I felt happy on the drive up. I'm like, this is the OR. Yeah. The OR is unlike any other room. The OR right now is still mad at me. The OR is like

that wife that's like, you didn't come around for seven fucking years. Yeah. You think you could come around now and get a laugh out of me? It's not going to happen. Well, your first set back was magical. You blew that room up. I had energy. You blew that room up. I was scared. But no, the whole, I still remember the patois in that room, but my timing is off. It was just a fucking nightmare. The material was horrible. I wasn't remembering it. It was just a fucking nightmare. Yeah. And listen, man, I'm not worried about it. I could never be one of those guys that said, Lee, I killed Liam's on the way going home. Jesus, Paula, is he fucking delusional? No, I know where I stand in my life. And I'm the type of guy going home. I fucking write a notebook. I

didn't do well tonight. What did I do wrong? You know, and I got to go back to Willie and tape this fucking set now. I keep forgetting the tape to set. You know why I have an iPhone. Do you think you, do you think you do better when you're not thinking? Because we went out the other night, I think it was Thursday, whatever, to the improv and then on the store at the improv. You just, I was laughing so hard. I almost passed out. And then, and then I think, I don't know if you overthought it or what, but it was a little bit, you did a different set at the store and it was funny, but it was like, do you feel like you do better just when you're just going on and kind of improv and you don't know what you're going to do? And I hate the pressure

of the store because they give me precious spots. I don't like that. I want to go back to the store to work from Tuesday to Thursday. Monday to Thursday. I'm happy. Late night. I'm happy, man. I don't do shit in the fucking mornings. This week, I got physical therapy Monday and Wednesday and Friday at 7am. I'm not happy that, but it's 20 fucking minutes. You know, it's, it's nothing, but still, I still got to be early, but I'm enjoying it. And I went to the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. That's what my all time favorite down there. I've only done that room a few times. I like it. I like it. I like the, and they're scanning me, but I got a handful of them to take the ride and then all of them take a ride. So the beginning is a little rough for me,

but after that, they just take the ride. You know, I'm just having a hard time at the store. And I get, I get done. The store, the store has got a weird way to it, especially that original room. I don't want to do spots in the belly room. I just want to master the original room right now. That's it. I don't want to do the belly room. I don't want to do the main room. Yeah. If I haven't been in the OR in a while, if I've been out on the road or something, those first couple sets, sets back, you go up. This is a whole different thing. This is a whole different fucking thing. It's a whole different thing. And I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm just saying, telling you people what I need to do.

Well, what is it? I, cause it's interesting cause like most of the listeners aren't comics. So what, like, okay. So maybe like describe the OR to the Kansas City improv. Like what, how's it different? Okay. So let's say I'm an electrician. I don't even know how I'm going to say this the right way without fucking this up. Or just not even the improv, just in generic. First off, the comedy store lives in your head. Okay. Let's get that out of the way. Before you, as soon as you parked that car, the comedy store lives in your head. It's very hard to describe that people are listening to me going, Joey, what the fuck? And now you're fucking being an asshole. No, I'm telling you this. This is, it's the grand,

it's your, it's the highest point for you. It's the highest point. That is the mountain. If Moses was here, he'd go to the comedy store. Anybody who did those type of accomplishments, you have to go through the comedy store. That always lingers in your head. It's the UFC. It's the main event. This is what it all comes down to. This is when you start in your little coffee shop in Indiana. The back of your mind is that fucking comedy store. All the life factory, all the improv, whatever it may be to you, it was the comedy store. It was the comedy store. There was the comedy store. The second night I got on stage, people come up to me and go, has Mittie sure seen you yet? Your characters, that's what she likes. So for me, it was always

the comedy store. So as soon as I walk in the comedy store, that little edge of fear gets on fire for me. I'm not gonna lie to you, but you want me to lie to you and tell you, no, you know, when I go on the road, it's pressure because they paid to see me and I want to deliver something. I want to be their friend. I want to talk to them afterward. It's a complete package at the comedy store. I don't have that. I'm striving for comedy. You know, I'm getting followed by Al Madrigal. I'm getting followed. I'm going up after Bill Byrne, Mark Marrett. I'm going up in the fucking murderers row. This is murderers row. You know, so it lingers in your back. The way the room is shaped, the sound of the room, you know, the fucking Jeff is laughing at your jokes. I don't

know what the one that that fucking start Jeff, the piano guy. It's just something. It's you're at you're at the highest point. You're at your highest point and that has to fuck with you a little bit. It always fucked with me because I never thought I would be there. I'm at the comedy store guys. I read 20 books that mentioned the comedy store from the Eagles to, you know, when I met fucking Bart Reynolds, the first thing he said to me was being at the fucking comedy store on his heyday with, you know, look at those pictures. Yeah, Willie Nelson brought out his guitar and played it at the comedy store. Look who played there. Look who went in there. That's not some fucking place. That ground has history, so it's got to do something to you. I know it does something to me. Yeah.

I was watching, I would be, I was watching Full Metal Jacket the other day, and there's that great speech he gives at the end of like the first half where he goes, you may die, but you'll always be a Marine and like your, your brothers and like you'll live forever as a Marine. Like it seems like, do you feel that way about the store a little bit like the, like everyone's got to have a Robin Williams dying or just like, if you met somebody and they've been to the store, is it like kind of like that? I think if the store was in Michigan or in Ohio, you would have a, a better brotherhood, but it's in that way. So there's really never going to be a brotherhood because there's money involved and somebody's always going to get mad at somebody. I mean, when they died, Dice wasn't

friends with Kenison, you know, this is all you hear. For me, for a guy like me, I'm a fucking Marine. Yeah. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you, you know, when I walk into the improv, there's no pictures of me, there's none of me and that's fine because I never claim the improvs. I do business with them and I love them. I love working in those rooms, but the improv, the lab factory, the comedy store is state of mind and that's what you always have to understand. What's gotten me this far with the little that I have is the state of mind I've had and it's the comedy store. It's 90% because it trumps everything. It trumps everything. When you take your 10 of Queens out, I got an ace and it's black bitch. I'm a fucking comedy store comic. Joey, what does

that mean? What does that mean? I got to follow Paul Mooney. I got to follow Lenny Clark. I got to follow comics that I admired. I got to meet people that I would never meet before. This is a friendship that'll go to the casket. I know Steve Simone, I don't know much about Steve Simone, but I know when Steve Simone gets to call that I'm done, he's going to suffer for a day or two. He's really going to go, wow, that's my brother. That's, yeah, it was a brotherhood. For me, it was always a brotherhood. Me too. The Rogan thing took some wind down in my sales. So now, I had to go up there and make it my own fucking brotherhood by showing these kids what a brotherhood is, what you live and die for. This is what you do. This is how you do this. When I read the Lenny

Bruce book, I believed it. I believed it the way I read the Bible the first fucking time. I believed it. I thought that we lived and died for each other. I thought at the end of the night when I looked at Lee and I go, Lee, what do you got in your pocket? Two dollars, Joey. Well, you've got eight dollars. I got 13. Let's go to Raps, put it together. Let's get a couple of steaks. I'll shop, lift a fucking bottle of wine. Yeah. That's what brotherhood, that's what brothers do until one of us make it. And then when you made it, you get the house, we live with you. That's what Renna's easy did with me. That's what Ari's doing with me. That's what you're doing with me. That's the pack. That's the pack you make. That's an unwritten pack. That's the brotherhood. It's amazing. That's what

I always thought it was. That's why when those people got together and said, we're gonna boycott the store for Rogan, I liked it, but I didn't like it. But it put a lot of people in the, it put a lot of people in the spot. Yeah. Pissed me the fuck off. But then I realized that the brotherhood wasn't really that true. It wasn't really that pure. So what am I gonna do? Sit there and not be a part of it? Let's make our own fucking brotherhood. Right. You can have the circle inside the circle. And let's show these people what it is to be a brother. When you're fucking down, I'm down. The night Robin Williams died, I couldn't get onto the store and hung my head. I didn't want to be a part of that because there's a lot of people who went down there. Don't come down there a lot.

Now they went down there and be, you know, in this town, those things, those memorials, they want to be seen. It's about being seen. It's about who says the funniest joke at the fucking memorial. I don't want to be a part of that shit. That's not what it's about. Yeah. Somebody asked me that night. They go, oh, uh, access entertainment or whatever once. And I looked at the guy go, no, that's not why I'm here. That's, it's not about that. If the comedy store was in Indiana, oh my God, the comics that would be coming out of there at the pace that they would be coming out of there would be killers. But the problem is here, it gives you that sense of, I don't know, uh, selling out. Everybody's Sam and the Bulgarvana.

Everybody's got that chink in their fucking arm that they, if it was between you and them for a role, they would tell you to fuck off. Yeah, that's not cool. You know, and that's the thing I didn't like. I know that me being a regular at the store has helped me in meetings. It's helped me in auditions. Uh, it's helped me in so many aspects. How Joey, how do you get 10% off when I go to an audition and I see people there. We got a call coming in. All right, here's my boy Mikey Robuck and shit. Mikey, ro-ro-ro. Joe. What's up? What's up, you bad motherfucker? In the room is Lisa at the Flying Jew. Hey, buddy. And my brother from Philadelphia, Steve Simone. Hi. Mike Robuck is one of the guys that called earlier on the podcast to tell

stories of us snorting cocaine and aspen. He would drive me to the airport with 22 guns and pick me up that night with nine ounces of blow and an envelope and we go up to the house and throw cut on it and snort it. Well, now Mikey Robuck wrote a book. Wow. So, and I've always, Mike's always been a great writer and we've always kept in touch. What's happening, cocksucker? You know what's happening. The church and what's happening now, huh? Well, you've been dog. You don't call. You don't write. You come here for writers things. Well, you know, I'm just an old white guy now, Joe. I stay home at night. How many kids you got? Two. Two. When was the last time you did a good line of fucking blow that blew that fucking wig back? Oh, man. I bet it's been

like 10 or 12 years and it was really ugly because my nieces were in the house with me and I had to keep going off somewhere and hiding. It's not like the old days. Did your wife know? No, not at all. Well, you know, you know it is. You think they don't know. You think nobody knows, right? You could never do that shit again today, huh? You know, not for that many days in a row. I'll just say that. The other day I was driving somewhere and I was thinking about it. I drove past one of those clubs on Hollywood Boulevard and I see a bunch of people in the front. I was out of light and I was like, I wonder what it would be like to do a fucking line now. Like, what would happen to me? Like,

I don't think I could handle it physically, mentally. I couldn't handle it at no level, you know? I'm really happy. I think definitely physically would be hard, man. Just as hard as we pushed ourselves without any sleep and, you know, you start down, you start with that and I always needed something else to go with it. It's not like I could just do one thing. So by at the end, you're just like a wrecking ball of four or five different things, you know, headed down Hyman Avenue Mall looking to see who's up at 4 a.m. It was, uh, how old were you when we were doing all that stuff? I was in, I was in my early 20s, you know? So I've been around, I've been around a little bit of this before we all ended up in Aspen, but nothing will obviously like what we saw there.

You know, it was crazy. I bust leaps balls like, Lee, what'd you sleep last night? I only slept four hours. Fuck you, Lee. When I was 26, we wouldn't fucking sleep. Were you ready for another piece, though? Oh, Jesus. Okay. You're a fucking, you're a death machine. You're like, what were you? That was like a motherfucker. Oh, that's so much. Oh, man. I told you that thing was 10 milligrams, nothing's gonna happen to you. You're a soldier of death. Steve Simone's here. You're in it now. Keep going, huh? Well, uh, it was funny how we never fucking slept, man. How do you live like that? I don't know. Cause now you can spot those people. I mean, you see those people and it's the night of

the living dead and you think to yourself, wow, was I like that back then? And you had to be, but on the other hand, we all still had jobs. We still had to, you know, make money, pay rent, sometimes, you know? I remember I used to send my girlfriend down to open a video store. I would tell her all night long when we were snoring. I'm gonna open up. Don't worry, but I'll open up and then at 8 30, get up. You gotta go down that fuck. I just went to sleep. I got my first video, or my first boom box from that video store. I was in there. I'm like, wow, this is really nice. Oh, man, I can't afford it. You're looking at me and you're like, really? Here, take it. I'm like, are you sure? Yeah. Here, take it. What about your boss? I don't care about my boss. Just take it and

get out of here. He was never there. It was a drug from a fan. He had two video stores, this guy. The one in Aspen was his fucking, it was like the Comedy Store La Jolla, the Comedy Store Hollywood. The Comedy Store La Jolla made so much money. Floated the other one. They were really in weed. They would send weed from Mexico all over the country, but their business was fucking videos. And he would come in, as long as the shit added up. He didn't give a fuck what I did. I would take 500 off the top every fucking night, deliveries and this, and I'd buy lunch out of there. It was amazing. I used to take the money out of the register and use it to buy blow, sell the coke and then put the money back in the register the next day.

You didn't even care if you played Scarface at full volume in the mall? I used to put Scarface on at full volume in this fucking mall when kids walking by. I just didn't give a fuck. It's like Sunday afternoon in Aspen. That's when all the families get in and you hear down the hallways, you fucking fuck. It was such a sad state of mind, my state of mind. We just, I had no, I mean, we lived in a house that we didn't pay rent in. The guy who owned it lived in, I always think of that. Like, what the fuck? Who gives you a million dollar house to stay at and comes there once a year and tells you not to drive his truck? I'm fucking putting dents in the fucking car. How many dents did that truck had in it? I was putting dents in that fucking thing.

Then when he came to town, I tried to break in it and put the miles back. The thing blew up. Oh yeah, it was fucking disgusting. I had no, I couldn't have a dog. I had a dog. It was like, Hercules. Hercules. That was his name. Beautiful little fucking Hercules. God bless his soul. He was one of my best friends all the time. That's when you ate his tranquilizers. So we're limited to, Joe, that's his place. And I'm actually staying over there because I got kicked out of my house with my brother. So I'm just like, here, I got a whole house and it starts off, oh, we can only stay in the guest house. We can't go over into the other house. Then after a while, we get the dog, all this other stuff's going on. We're worried about people being on the roof at

night. We're looking at the windows. We come over there. His dog, Hercules, he's one of the dogs that would chase his tail in a circle. And he had these long nails and a linoleum floor tile floor. He'd be like, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Hercules, stop. So we got his tranquilizers. We went over there one afternoon and Joe was like face down on his couch. And we're like, oh man, he must really be tired. I mean, we usually see him sleeping the afternoon. Joe, get up. Joe. We're like shaking him. We saw like one finger moved. We're like, what do we do? Should we call the cops or the ambulance? What happened? He looks like he's really out of it. And he's like, oh, I don't know. Let's get out of here. We came back

the next day and he's like, oh man, I ate one of my dog's tranquilizers. I don't even remember what happened yesterday. He was a German shepherd and he had grown really fast. He was 74 pounds at six months. Wow. So his paw grew out of his bone. So to slow the pace of his growth, they gave him these minerals plus they gave him doggie downs to he wouldn't chase his fucking tail on. You'd get a line of coke and he would start chasing his fucking tail. And I'd lose my mind. Like, Hercules, I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. It's like, stop chasing your fucking tail. I love that dog with all my heart. I mean, that poor dog ended up my age. He was a great dog. He was a great fucking dog, Hercules. He died. They came and

took him and told me that they were going to take him and feed him and they never gave him back to me. And I came back from Colorado. Somebody in Athens? Yeah, my ex-wife. And she never gave me the dog. Oh, really? Oh, man. I went to visit and she goes, oh, I forgot to tell you, Hercules passed. What the fuck? But it was just a different, one of the worst nights of my life I had in that place. I'm trying to write a book about addictions and how I started was I just wrote out stories, Mike Robart. And I wrote this, I don't know if you were there. I don't know where you were. This was towards October of 86. And I was just on a tag. Like, I had not taken a day off. Like, I snored a coke every fucking day. Every day. Every night we came home, we're only gonna do a

grand. And it would be till eight in the fucking morning. It was just terrible. And I gave, I went to New York and I got this coke that was something that Superman would snore. Not only was it good, not only was it really good, but it was strong. It was good. It tasted good. It looked good. It was strong. And I took two ounces. And I gave an ounce, I gave them both to an electrician friend of mine at Aspen, who turned out to be a cop. He was a cop. He wasn't on the cover cop. He was a witness relocated guy from Minneapolis. I found out years later when I got arrested. So I gave him two ounces because he was away from me. He lived in Aspen. I lived in Snowmass. I could never tap into this. I was saving it for my girlfriend's brother's wedding around a Friday night. I was supposed

to leave Saturday morning. She left on Wednesday to go to Boulder. I was leaving Saturday morning to fly. And Saturday afternoon I was coming back Monday with her. And I gave the kid the coke. This is just a horrendously horrible story. Two ounces of coke. This is 56 grams of cocaine, ladies and gentlemen. This is not an eight ball. This is at my high point. How many grams in an eight ball? Three and a half. Three and a half. So there's eight eight balls in an ounce. I had 50 fucking six grams at one o'clock in the afternoon on Friday. I went up there and I picked up the 56 grams. I went up to the stone bridge, the stone hedge, where I had the office and the scale and the safe. And I sold an ounce right off the bat. I cut it and I think I threw 10 on it and took 10

out. And I sold it and I made $800 or something over the fucking course. So I was going to this wedding with two grand and an ounce of coke uncut and 10 grams of coke, man. This is enough for a fucking kangaroo to die. And I'm telling you, this is brothers. Yeah. So I started doing little lines at like one in the afternoon of the coke, man, man, man with the 10 grams, man, man, man, man, man. Oh my God. By about two o'clock, I am flying. I run to the liquor store in Snowmass and I buy everything. A case of beer, a bottle of tequila, a bottle of Jack, two, six packs of coke. You know, I didn't smoke cigarettes then, rolling papers. I had a bond and I went back to this little apartment at the time. Remember, I had the little apartment over the garage and I had the house.

At that time, they were watching me. At that time, they were watching me. They were already the cops were watching me. I had sold coke to a guy that had been his, him and his wife were doing something and they got caught in Aspen. She was the accountant for the city of Aspen and she got caught stealing checks. So part of her deal was just to get back all the people that she stole the money for to give coke to. She was supposed to set them all up. So she was just calling people trying to set fucking people up in more fucking directions. So I went back to my little apartment and I started doing coke with Hercules, not with Hercules. Hercules was there and the phone's ringing and I'm not answering. Man, I'm supposed to be selling some of this shit.

And the phone's ringing and by that point, it's six, seven o'clock and I'm too paranoid to answer the phone. I don't want nobody in there. I take the car and I put it in the garage and I turn all the lights on and I go upstairs to the office where I could snort and nobody would see me. And I stayed up there till probably seven in the morning without coming out, without pissing, just drinking and peeing in bottles. On Sunday? So you were supposed to already... This is Saturday morning. I had been up all night. Oh, okay. Sunday, Saturday morning, I'm about to catch the plane. I go, I can't leave. I couldn't even take the car to fucking leave. I just stayed in that fucking house snorting and drinking. I tell you what I was jerking off to. This is how pathetic I was. The

woman in red. With Gene Wilder? Gene Wilder. There's one scene where she gets out of bed and you see her pussy for a split second. I would lock the DV, the VCR on that and take my little soft dick and just work it. I kept snorting, snorting, snorting, snorting all day, six in the morning, two in the afternoon, three in the afternoon. The phone's ringing. This poor girl is waiting for me in Boulder. I'm not showing up at Denver, Boulder. I'm not going at any fucking airport. I kept snorting and snorting and snorting and it was three in the fucking morning. Now I'm in the little apartment because I ran out of booze. I'm in the little apartment drinking water with this dog. This dog has not gone out to pee. Since Friday or one in the afternoon,

this dog has not gone out to pee or shit. And anytime he goes to bark, I tell him, shut up and I give him food. And he was like, by the door, dying to pee and I'm like, pee in the corner, bitch. You're not going up. And that night at about four in the morning, I started seeing shadows. I still had some coke left when I started seeing shadows on the wall. So I picked up the phone at down 9-1-1. The cops came to my house and they go, what's the problem? They try to break into my house. I'm walking through my house with police, with police, going through that big house and you could see footsteps. They broke into the back door by the jacuzzi. Oh, they actually did break in? They did break in and then gone through

the house. It was a cop putting wires in, like going through the house and they were watching me from the top. Dog, I found this all out years later, but they went. You know what? I have to say though, back then, I thought you were making it all up. No, no. Because you would be like, did you hear that? There's somebody on the roof. Let's go look. We'd go run outside, we'd look around the house, we'd come back in, we'd start doing it all again. A little while later, it's like, there it was. Did you hear it again? I was like, no. I thought at the time, I thought it was all just like in your head. And then you did tell me years later that it was actually true. And I'm like, well, I guess it's coming in. It was a fucking twilight zone. While I

was out, it was a fucking, guys, it was one of the worst times of my life. And I remember that I called the cop. He left at four and I called him back at five, 30. It was still dark and they came back and they had a talk and they came up and they go, when was the last time you did a line of coke? The cop said that to you? Yeah, I go a few hours ago. We think it's time for you to put it away and go to bed. And then that Monday morning, I slept all day. I did it till Sunday morning. I finally fell asleep, Sunday afternoon. And Monday morning when I woke up, I let Hercules out. There was two business cards from the sheriff. And I got my car and I went down. I called and they go, can you come down? I went down. They're like, listen, man, if this becomes a problem,

we're going to put you in a rehab ourselves. They were like, what the fuck was that the other night? You call the police your eyes. You had shit on your nose. That was it. Do you do the entire Alex and 10 grams? Everything by myself. I didn't even give a line to anybody else. There was no broads. There was nothing. Nothing. Was that the most you ever done? I don't know. It's up there. But that was like a string. Like a month before that, we dumped two ounces of coke because we thought we saw dogs outside. And there was a fire hydrant. You dumped it in the toilet? In the toilet with Carl Hall. You know, that dude's all fucked up now, that poor guy. But I don't, I never knew. Look at, look at this fucking guy. I mean, and he was part of it. He was

in that bedroom with me, Wayne, shit up, me, making him do a testis, try this. And look, he's writing fucking books now. Fucking books now. Thank God. That was pretty funny. It's like, now Mike, now A or B? A or B? Which do you like better? You got to decide right now. Which do you like better? I think I like K. Okay, now try C. Which do you like better? A, B or C? Like, I don't know. I don't know. You're gonna try it well now. Different amounts of like aspirin in it? Yeah, different amount of cut. I announced it all. So each batch would have different. So we just keep fucking doing it. Wow. I remember I had a bomb. I had a rubber bomb that Kathy gave me for Christmas. We would smoke the bazookas, remember when we put it in the microwave oven? Yeah.

It was like free basin. And we'd smoke the bazooka in joints. That's what it was meant to do. You were supposed to roll it and then take it out of the sock and it got hard and you rolled it up in a joint and smoked it over a cigarette. Not us. Once we fucking ran out of, then I was planting weed. I was trying to grow weed. And one night I ran out of weed. So I took the weed out of the cup, ripped that green leaf out and put the Coke rocks on that and tried to smoke the home ground. And when that didn't work, I took the fucking crack, put it in the bomb and started hitting it with the lighter. I smoked it so much the fucking bomb melted. The towel, it was like towel number four, how it crumbled. That's how it went down. Like towel number whatever. Just crumbled

down. My drug use in aspirin was a fucking embarrassment. Like just an embarrassment that I have to write about in this book. There were 10 stories like that. There were stories where I would leave the house at eight in the morning. Just walk around with an eight ball in my pocket, walking around my altitude, looking for a victim, which you'd find when they're driving. Yeah. You'd find a chick driving there at eight in the morning looking for blow. Wow. That was one of those places. I'm never like, do you just see them? Cause I've never walked around and a girl said, do you have blow on you? You just make eye contact and they'll come up to you and you know

they're twitching and what are you doing? You want to party? Nobody wants to get a fucking vodka on the rocks at six in the morning when they wake up. Nobody. Nobody's going to wake up and go, huh, fuck oatmeal. I'm going to get a vodka tonic and shit. No, people that call you. But the thing about that though is you can go anywhere. Like back then you could go anywhere and you could say, I'm going to move. I'm going to start over. I'm going to get away from it. You could go anywhere and you'll always find that person at six o'clock in the morning and when you look at them, you'll both know. It's amazing. I'm very happy. You know, I go to the doctor, that heart doctor twice a year. His name is Dr. Solomon and I always ask him when he does

a heart thing, I go, how does my heart look? Do you see the cocaine on them? He goes, no, I see the sleep apnea on them. I don't understand it. But it's amazing. Your heart only has as many beats. When you, when you, God gives you a heart, he puts a clock here and says, you got 11 million beats. How you get through it? It's up to you. You want to run fucking sprints? It's up to you. You want to do blow? It's up to you. You want to sit at home and be a fat fuck? You got 11 million beats. You might live through your night. You just sit on the couch with your feet up. You don't know. You don't know how you get to that amount of heartbeats is up to you. So I'm very lucky when I think of those times. That's why I really want to put this book down.

That's why I'm happy. You told me, you wrote a book about fucking knives. I'm like, it's happy because now, now, how did you come up with a book about knives? Well, it's just something I, it's something I've been interested in for a long time, but really it was just kind of being around other people and a guy that I knew, he got asked to do it. He's like, I don't have time to do this. Do you want to do it? I'm like, sure, I'll do it. Can you help me? He's like, oh yeah, I'll pay whatever you need. I mean, this guy knows way more than I do about it. So I think anything, go ahead. What's the name? What's the, I'm sorry, just so the listeners can hear. What's the name of the book? It's called Gun Collectors.

Guide to collectible knives. So by collectible knives, it means knives that are no longer made. So in some respects, they could be, it could be a, you know, a K-bar knife from World War II. It could be a pocket knife like your grandfather carried. It's not so much the new knives that have the clips on them that have the one-handed openers like spider codes or benchmaids. You know, there's all kinds of different knives and the history of knives is kind of a microcosm of the United States. You know, steel mills and, you know, manufacturing processes and things like that. So it's, it's how to, if you wanted to collect that type of knife, some of it is, here's what you need to look at. Here's what you should try to find out

before you spend a lot of money on it. Another part of it are, you know, histories of culinary centers like in Germany or in England that were known where a lot of the stuff first started. What do you think happened to, because I, when I was in high school, my best friend in high school, and I, there was a knife store at the mall, and we would go every week, and I never really, I bought a couple of them, my buddy had a ton, and, and I don't really see them anymore. What, what's happened to like the knife, because they used to be everywhere. I always remember knife stores. Well, it's, it's, it's a, it's kind of like the gun laws, you know, a knife is a tool, but a knife is also a weapon. It's the same thing as what's happened with guns. It used to be,

you would see like the places you were talking about, you'd see them in all the malls, people were into it. I mean, you know, kids would go buy, you know, a sword from Ireland or whatever, and take it home and play with it in their yard, but then there's this backlash. It's this whole political, politically correct thing of now, you know, like if you go somewhere and if you pull out a pocket knife and cut something, people are like, oh, you carry a knife. There's a stigma involved to it. That's crazy. So that, I mean, for people, if it's, it's on Amazon, now I'm paperbacking on the Kindle, so check it out. Now, how long have you been collecting knives? I know you always had a knife when we were growing up. You've always had a knife,

like a pocket knife. Yeah. But really, for me, I mean, I grew up around them. They were tools, they were useful. I didn't really get into this until, you know, after I moved to Denver, actually from Aspen to Boulder to Denver, then I was watching a cable show one night and this guy comes on, and you know, there's, it's like anything else. There's good and there's bad to it, but you got to kind of find out what you like. You know, just going back to the history, there were specific designs for specific purposes. You know, there's knives that were designed with spade blades to cut the balls off of a steer, off cattle, spade blades, trappers, trapping knives, use for trapping, jack knives. Even if you look now, though, look at Spyderco knives,

the guy that started that company, he was a Jew from Health Kitchen. Now, that Spyderco is not a traditional knife, but some of the early ones people are collecting now, but this guy makes knives for pretty much any function you can think of. He meets with special forces people, he meets with EMTs, he lives right outside of Denver in Golden. He's got his own plant there. So it's, but there's, like I said, just in general, there is a big backlash against it, because people don't look at them as tools, people look at them as a weapon, as a threat, because they don't know how to use them correctly. How many knives do you have? I don't know. Maybe 150, maybe 200. And do you have them in a safe? Do you have them in a frame?

No, I don't really. A lot of them minor in this book. I mean, I keep them in, there's these roll-ups that I keep them in, like leather roll-ups that you could not put them in, the really expensive ones. I keep in pouches, padded pouches. The other thing now is there's a big movement for custom knife makers, either making these old-style knives or newer type of knives. So there's this whole subculture of, you know, there are people out there that want the best of whatever it is. You know, maybe they only go hunting once or twice a year, but they'll seek out, you know, a certain company like a Randall knife in Florida, and they'll take that hunting with them. If you look at what we have now to make knives compared

to, you know, before World War II, the spills that we have now, the alloys that you can put in there, the manufacturing processes, how they make them. Yeah, there's a lot of cheap Chinese knives and stuff like that, because they come into this country, but there are also some, like, you know, a Chris Reed knife. It's just, it's like four meats function. They're really nice. You know, I really, not everybody's into it. And, you know, for my wife, it's kind of like, really, this is what it's been your time doing. It's like, hell, you know. What's the oldest knife you have? I have one. It's by Connecticut Colary Company, and it's from the 1860s. So maybe around the Civil

War. But, you know, if somebody tells you they have a knife from the Civil War, then you got to take a step back and say, well, you know, that's probably a selling point. That knife that I have from that, that, that from that time period, it's called a stabber jack. So that one was used to actually stab them on the fucker. Now, what's, is it stainless steel metal? Is it still? Well, no, back then they were all, a lot of them were carbon steel and carbon steel, like if you see, you know, old kitchen knives that turned like black or a grayish color, they're carbon. Stainless steel, no stain. Didn't start up really until, I don't know, maybe the 30s or 40s in Germany. People over here didn't like it, didn't trust it at first. But, you know, you just,

just go through history. I mean, everybody talks about, you know, bowing knives, you know, like the Alamo or the knives that, when San Francisco, the town first started. A lot of those guys walked around with knives that would go for 10 or 15 thousand dollars now, made with natural, you know, ivory, with, uh, Ucic, which is actually walrus dick, for the handles. And those things, you know, they were high in, they were the best you could get back then, and they kept them on their sides for protection and also to use. You know, it's funny how you see knives in the areas where you're like, you're from Boston, you know, Puerto Ricans, a couple of white dudes have like pocket knives and like the camping knives with the 22 fucking utensils. Right. Yeah, the

army knife. You know, whatever. But when you go to places like Colorado and stuff, you know, like my friend the Nassman collected knives in basalt, he had those Rambo knives, you know, but he had like bayonets and underwater shit. And he would tell me how he had to wait online. And this was way before fucking the internet. This is when you had to go to knife shows, to buy gun shows and shit. Do you go to knife shows and all that stuff? Well, uh, you know, really the best way to learn about something is to actually pick it up and look at it and see what it's all about. You know, somebody, I can look at like a lot of pictures on eBay. If they're bad pictures, I really can't tell anything. So when I actually went and did

for when I first started going, a lot of these little knife shows were in with the gun shows. And I swear to God, I was at a Ramadi and out by DIA. I walk in, everybody in there's wearing camel except me. I walk in with these two other guys and one of them looks at him and says, oh man, I love the smell of militia in the morning. There's like two little knife stands over in the corner. That's right where I went. So, you know, it's kind of like anything else. There's always this fringe element to it, but that, you know, you can buy them online. There's online actions going on right now for them outside of the day. But really the best thing to do is to be able to look at something in person and know what's wrong with it before you decide to pay a lot of money

for it. You know, it's amazing how you see that guy like you had knives because it was a part of work. You know, when you go hunting, you skin the deer, when you go fishing, you cut the line, you know, it's in your every, you know, I didn't do that growing up in Jersey. So I would never, I had a knife as a stab. Oh, motherfucker. There's only one purpose to break a window to take your eye out. There was never, you know, it's, I always was intrigued by knives, but I've always had a respect for them. I can't get cut. And the worst thing in life is get cut with your own fucking knife. There's a guy on Sundays that teaches knife training. And he teaches it to SWAT, black dude, really good guy. I know his brother, I know his whole family. And I went down to the

classes one time. And when you're cutting shit, you would cut yourself. You know, that's how I knew O.J. killed his fucking wife. If you use a knife, you're going to cut yourself. Even the experienced guys cut themselves. Guys with no knives, they have to have the handle to catch their hand at the end. It's not like there isn't a movie where they stab Tommy in the fucking trunk on a car. You know, when you stab them on the fucking real life, the knife moves, it's crazy. It's fucking, can you imagine stabbing somebody? I would love to. My point being that it's just that's the only reason why. But I like, I've picked up knives, like the design of them. You know, you want to pick up an old knife. When you pick up an old knife, it does something.

Like I picked up a knife, went from the Korean war. And when I was holding it, it was like, what was the guy that had this thing? Somebody had this in training camp, whatever. Somebody had this in boot camp. They gave this to somebody in boot camp. He took it all the way to the Korean war. It's a piece of history. It's a piece of history. You know, so I get it. When you told me, Mike, I love the fucking idea. If not, you wouldn't be on the fucking show calling. I love that you did. I'm very proud of you, man. Well, but part of it, though, is, you know, since these, the knives that I mainly collect, since they were tools, there's not a lot of them out there that are in good shape,

because people use them until they broke them or until they wore the knives down from sharpen them until there was almost nothing left on them. So if you find a Remington bullet trapper that's in pristine mint condition, it's going to be worth a couple thousand dollars, because almost all of those that were made got used back in the Depression. Now, is it kind of like an old car where, like, let's say there was a knife like you had from the Civil War? If they sharpened it before they sold it, is that bad? Do you want to, like, just use from back then or, like, what's the what's the deal on that? Well, if you can find, like, well, first off, anything from the Civil War, you just got to be leery of, because that's, you know, that's a line that everybody's going to have.

And if they tell you it's a Confederate knife, that's even worse, because they hardly made any of their own knives. But what you're talking about, you know, it's got, like, honest use on it, that's one thing. It's still worth a lot. It's a relic. It was, you know, came from a battlefield. What happens, though, is people find old knives and they take it to a busking wheel and they shine up all the old, they get all the old off there, the carbon that was on there, on the blade, or they try to make the handle material look new. Then you put, to me, you pretty much ruined it, because you've taken all of that, I guess, build up, or that patina that was on that knife. You know, if you watch the antique roadshow, they tell you the same thing. You know, you don't

want to screw with some things. Some things you just want to leave them as they are. But that means if you can find an actual mint one that hasn't been used, and even mint is going to have, it's metal. You know, it happens to metal. It rusts. It gets spot on it. Even if you have an absolute mint one that's set in somebody's sock drawer from 1920, there's going to be something on it. You ever got a knife with blood on it? In the handle? Because a lot of people don't see the blood. It's in the handle, deep. They wipe it this way, but they never go around the handle. That's how you see those old knives. It's brown. It's brown. Yeah, yeah, it gets down into the grooves and stuff like that. And, you know, just with the whole thing with military knives. I mean,

there's a big long tradition of military knives like he talked about that people took the wars with them and, you know, that a dad took to World War II that his son took to Vietnam. I mean, some of those things, you know, they're not real pretty, but they were very functional. And when you stab, motherfucker, you don't clean the blood off of water. You wipe in their uniform. You leave the blood on that. It's like when you fry stuff up in a frying pan. Only amateurs wash that frying pan. Professionals just put that thing in water, wipe it off, and they use that for the egg. You know what I'm saying? Once you fry a little flavor in there, they'll leave some flavor in that motherfucker's knife for the next time. You might be spreading

the hiv with that fucking knife. They're already dead, but fuck, I'm going to give you some Chinese hiv. Louis, what's up, brother? How's that edible? I'm pretty, I'm getting pretty hot. See? Who takes care of you like me? Did the brownie hit you? No, it was nothing. No, but no. I just want you to taste it to let me know your thoughts. They want to talk to you. Okay. Hey, Mike, Joey always talks about like he brings edibles when he flies. How, what is it like traveling with a knife? Like what do you have to do? Because I imagine you have to travel. Well, you, you can't. I mean, about the best thing you can do is if you do check luggage, you can put it in your shaving kit. Whatever I do that, there's a note from TSA

that they inspected my bag. Wow. But they don't take the knife. They don't. No, they haven't. I haven't lost one that way yet. So you can't, you can't legally check it. You, you can't put it in your checked bag. You can put it in your checked bag, guys. You can put a gray in your fucking checked bag. If you declare it, but you're not going to go there and fucking declare it because you're part of the church or what's happening now. You're going to stick the fucking sock in a shoe with a sock in it and another sock and you're going to keep your mouth shut. And then when you get to the, if they find it, I'm really sciatic. I've got no medical things. I'm no fucking terrorist. Check on my background. Why would you, you know, the best thing to do

if you're going to travel is wrap the knife up in your dirtiest, oldest underwear. Then I go to God, it'll be there when you get there. What the fuck is shit staying on it? They don't pay nobody enough money to go to underwears with shit on it. It doesn't matter what kind of gloves they're wearing, you're through. You don't say nothing about nothing. For years, they kept telling me when you travel with guns, all those years I traveled with the guns with you. You used to fucking drive me to the airport. They used to say, oh, no, it's, you can pay 25 bucks and put them in a case. I got nine guns. Wow. And check bag. Yeah. And check baggage. I'm not going to fucking put them in a case.

I just fly them. They're not going to check everything. You know, people think that they check and they go through your shit. They look and they move a couple of things to make sure you don't have Gaddafi's head in there or fucking checking somebody's fucking foot. You know what I'm saying? But yeah, they're not going to go. And if they find the knife, really, it's on my check bag. What am I going to do? Stop the flight in the middle of the fucking flight and go downstairs, look for my bag, get the knife and stab everybody. What is this? What's that movie with fucking Steven Seagal? Are they killing on the plane? I have no idea. Come on with Kurt Russell. What the fuck? I'm in a movie with John Leguizamo and fucking Kurt Russell with the tuxedo one. Nobody

remembers what the fuck executive decision. Thank God. Thank God I smoke reefer and I eat fucking edibles and I do what I do. You know what I'm saying? Mike Robuck, always a fucking pleasure, man. Always a pleasure to know that you're still on this earth. We're still on this fuck. After all the laughter, how much were you still laughing even in Boulder years later when you worked for that club and they gave you an expense account. This motherfucker called me one time when I was as broke as can be. He goes, you want to go eat? Where'd you work for? You worked for a big company and they had restaurants all over Boulder and you had a charge account. Oh, was that old Chicago? I think that was old Chicago. This motherfucker called me when I was

flat broke one night and he goes, what are you doing? I got, you want to eat? Just tell me, I got an expense account. Bitch. Shit. I was down there trying to get a 20 out of the register. He's got 60 covered. Before you go, Joe, before you go. So I, you know, I hadn't seen Joe for years. Had not, didn't, I was like everybody else. I don't know where this guy went. Had people asking me where he was. I didn't see you from 87 years later. I'm working in Boulder and I hear Joe's voice and I knew it was him and we started hanging out and I'm doing landscaping and we're out there landscaping this probation officer's house and I don't even know how Joe's name came up, but somehow Joe's name came up and he's like, oh yeah, yeah, I know that guy. Yeah, he's one of

my guys. He's like, we know he's down in like a gallon of vinegar before every test test, but we're like, hey, if he wants to do that, more power to him. I was fucking people up with that vinegar drink and I was still coming up. A gallon of fucking vinegar, still vinegar with cranberry juice and gallons of water on top of that fucking, I would put sprinkle sugar on my dick and fucking pool cleaner. I did everything to beat those UAs. I could never beat a fucking UA. Mike Robuck, I love you. What's the name of the book again, brother? The collector's guide to traditional or to collectible knives. Okay, that's on Amazon and what else? It's on Amazon and what else?

It's on Barnes and Noble. It's probably headed to a bathroom stall near you at the airport. I want the church people at least fucking looking up Mike Robuck. What's the name of the book, Cox second? Gun traders guide to collectible knives. Gun traders guide to collectible knives. I don't want no fucking around. This is my brother from 30 years, Mr. Mike Robuck. Thank you, brother. Thank you for the lesson. I'll give you a call over the weekend. That's a solid fucking soldier right there, Lisa. He did lines the way you did fucking animals. Wow. Jesus. A little Monday afternoon evening for you. A little Sunday, if the soul's going, you might want to drink some wine, smoke a joint, look at the person we love and talk.

I want to be around. Oh, shit. To pick up the pieces. Another gooby-belly? No. Well, you don't have the calories. Probably not. You're fucking complete. You're complete made with those fucking things. It's a great beautiful song. It's a beautiful song for beautiful friends on a Monday evening. You know, put the air in before I fucking melt in here from the edible. Your head is almost as red as your shirt. That's what I thought of when you texted me on the way back and then I was like, oh, shit, I want to be high. I didn't have a smoothie. I don't know why. That's what you said to me. What are you going to do? Are you really going to do me

and Paula going to have a smoothie? I'm going to go to the fucking show. I almost killed them. I'm going to give some shout outs here to some beautiful fucking people. My girl. What's her name? Laura. Laura from Canada. Frankie from Hoboken. Sean Wells. Maddie Diaz, you bad motherfucker. Dane and Chrissie's wedding. Get it together. You'll be called $3,000. Kyle's ship. Michael Elfuckin' Nino. Punky 47-11. Punky 47-11 and Alex Castellon Lazo. I love you, conch suckers. The church of what's happened now. Just fucking me has been a pain in the ass. But I had to do it, Steve. And I'll tell you what, this time I'm doing it different. I'm up to 15 minutes on the bike.

That's it. 20 tomorrow. Five minute increments every day. Just cardio and shit. But it still fucking hurts. Not hurts a lot, but it's still uncomfortable. It's going to be a while. Are you still taking the pills? No. I didn't take the pills after I peed the bed. There was no salt. No, what the fuck? Those pills weren't doing nothing. The weed was smoking. And the edibles were eating. It was a lot better than that pain shit. So that's just to show the country that that pain shit don't work. That as good as the edibles. The edibles took me through. Yeah, I was nervous. And I'm kind of a little bit nervous right now. Because when I came in, you used to do it, you don't take a day off from the gym, do you? And I was like,

I honestly don't remember. There were a couple of times this class, but I did it twice a day. And my left, the tendon behind my left knee is a little bit sore today. It's the law of diminishing returns. I agree with that. The law of diminishing returns. You're at the end of the week, you're killing yourself to live because you're chasing the poinsettian night. The ones that you burn. So you're chasing those. So that's why it's you're killing yourself to live eight days a week. You got to tighten that up because it's not, you're not getting nowhere. It's it's too much. Yeah, overtraining. You're overtraining yourself. You're going to get hurt. So just cut it, cut it to the auto fucking Thursday.

Two days. Muscles be rebuilt. For anyone else losing one, I'm sure you'll go through the same thing, but I get addicted to seeing the number go down, especially since I'm working so hard this time. Like I thought about it. I lost like 70 pounds in like a month running to the juicing, and it's taken me like two months to lose 40, two more to have. But you'll keep it off. And it's a better journey, but it's the same journey. You're going to do this, whether you do it in two years or a year and a half. So slow down. It's better for you. Two pounds a week, a pound and a half. One week you slip, you lose three, you lose two, you lose one. You know, it's it's too much. It's the law

of diminishing returns. It's an easy thing. Yeah, the fucking floor for I'm really high. And I got the fucking answers for you. So what's the story I hear about a CD, Steve Simone. Oh, October 13. We's done with the mix, I think. Yeah, but we're, we're finishing up. Yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be really cool. And actually, I thought about it. It's, I will not to give anything away. You have a bit in a story in there of how parents can make like the kids day. Yeah, for sure. I went before this to the dollar store and I immediately got brought back to when I was like seven and my uncle gave me like 20 bucks in the dollar store. It's the greatest thing there is. It's because the kids are going to lose the toys anyways.

Right. And I remember 20 bucks at the dollar store. Are you serious? All the candy they have. It's like winning the lottery when you're seven years old. Yeah. Like I wouldn't bought renaissance. I always get the kids toys. I got mercy toys. Like whenever I'm going to, I never show up empty handed because my theories little kids are gangsters because you can't, you can't show up. And they're like, you're going to disrespect me. You're going to come into my house and not give me a taste of your success. But the kids love the dollar store stuff even more than they love the expensive toys. You know, making some of these day is what it's all about. Absolutely. A fucking kid, they go nuts. They go nuts. They really do. Especially

a kid who doesn't have much at home. They take this or something. That's the greatest. I love it. I love all that shit. I was kind of disappointed recently. I don't know if it's LA or if I just picked the wrong kids. But when I was younger, if an older dude said something I had was cool, my day was made for like three weeks. So I wouldn't change my shoes. And the past couple weeks, I've seen kids with like really cool backpacks. So they're going back to school. And I would say like cool backpack. If they have the light up sneakers, I always try to say like cool sneakers. And they just look at like I'm back east. They would say like they would like smile and like up here. They looked at me like I was crazy. Cool. You're fucking crazy. You don't

you don't say that. When you see a shirt on it, you know, tell me a nice backpack. I might think you might fucking take me back. That's what they're afraid of. Show me a little jude dick. Sure. Don't say nothing to those fucking kids. They'll call the cops. I have this home video my mom has of others probably like to and I was in the swimming pool waiting room. I got to see this video of like I was like two years old in a swimming pool waiting room. And he's like middle school kids on our playing. And I thought I was like, I've always like I always thought it was awesome when all day people thought it was cool. I don't know. I mean, I think I would think you probably do that. You're always so happy when anything when anyone gets anything. So yeah,

if you if like, I try to toy like you'd be like, that's the coolest thing ever. But there's a right you got to do it in the right environments. Because society's gotten so sick. You can't just walk up to a kid and go I like your shoes. They'll be like, run, creep. Police. Stranger danger. So you're releasing this on iTunes? Yeah. No Amazon just iTunes. I think it'll probably be on everything. Yeah, and we're not we're not sure which platform so all of you iTunes people if you want to get it, we're going to have the link up probably in the next week or so. This is your first CD first thing. Yeah, I'm so excited about it. I want to just yeah, well, you know, like I was battling my own fears. I'm trying to get the right set. When you open up for other acts, it's

tough. Yeah, I didn't want to record the CD 20 minutes at a time. I wanted to make sure I could headline I could bang out a couple shows in a row, put together a good set list. These are the jokes I want to share with the world because it's your first one. You want to go. This is the type of material. This is your appetite for destruction. Yes. This is your fucking Led Zeppelin one. This is your black Sabbath black Sabbath. Yes. I didn't think about it that way. I was so coked up. I just took the money and then 45 minutes. It was a fucking nightmare. So I appreciate when you're coming from it. I know how hard it is to get a CD to work and the night to be perfect. But you know what? It's so weird. All the people I see going up right now, you have a lot of little people

in your corner. Yeah. You know, Dan from Bray always mentioned you have a lot of little people that all you need is two or three people. Yeah. You know, like six dudes are looking out for you. I'm blessed. You're looking out for yourself. So it makes life a lot fucking better when you're looking out for, you know, a lot of people come to this town, they're like, well, I got these guys looking out for me. I don't have to look out for yourself. No, you have to look out for yourself more than these guys. Because then they'll see that you're looking out for yourself and they're like, what the fucking we do. But everybody always calls you with something. Yeah. But there's a lot of people in town that are looking for somebody else to hook them up. And this is why they don't

move forward. Yeah, you gotta work. You know, you see them. And it's amazing. I see a lot of people at the comedy store that were there when I got there. And I don't know what the fuck they're doing. And I don't want to know, you know, it's like you do want to know, but you don't because they want to take you into their world. That negativity. Yeah, it's kind of weird. But it's amazing how you work hard every day. You know, you're always the same vehicle. You always wherever there's a game, wherever there's a game, wherever there's a game. We're recorded a CD down there where the ZZ Ari, you go with somebody and that's what it takes. And it's, you know, a lot of people come in and they go, I'll do it for a year a year. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing.

You gotta do this year after year. You gotta psych yourself up day after day. You know, people think it's easy for us. I get emails like what how do you do? You gotta psych yourself up every fucking day. You wake up, you got a mind fucking you had today. It's gonna be a day. That's why I don't pay houses for a living because I want to hit the fucking lottery. You're gonna go to a fucking liquor store. You're gonna get rolling papers. You're gonna be kidding the car. You're in a rush. I got to wait there because some dude wants to play the fucking lottery. And I look at those dudes that are in a liquor store. Yeah, thinking that this is going to change their life. They get the pound of vodka, a bottle of fucking

poop, pop, vodka, two packs of Marlboro red and three dollars on lottery tickets. And I look at these guys and I'm like, I never played the lottery. I never really, last week I finally one day went in there. It's next to Marie T. That liquor store. Oh yeah, right there. I always see people get a lot of your tickets, but no matter where I fucking go, if I go to 711 for a water, one water, I got a guy in front of me playing the pink six, the 19 numbers. And I know the number like I'll take the 27, 343, 227s. You'd lose your fucking mind. I never had that. I always, I was looking for the lottery, but I was betting on myself. Absolutely. Do you know what I'm saying?

I couldn't believe for months I kept running into that. People buying lottery tickets and finally one day I was at Terry getting coffee in the morning. I'm gonna go buy three lottery tickets and I won two dollars, then she won two tickets, and then we both lost. But the point being that I didn't get it. I didn't, but if I had a budget to live with every week, and I only had like $30 over my paycheck, and I knew I was gonna buy an eight pack of beer, a bag of $10 a week to last me all week, and two lottery tickets. You know, I have a friend in Jersey that she buys two lottery tickets every Friday, and she finally hit the lottery last year for $30,000. Oh my gosh. A ticket, some scratch tickets or something like that, $30,000.

I don't know what that, but she's been playing since she's 18. She's fucking 50. Right. She's fucking 50, you know. But I mean there's people who play it because it's gonna change their life. Like they're gonna have a limo, and they're gonna go to parties. It's amazing because I had that thought in my head when I was 19. Right when you're a kid. When you're 19, you're like, fuck, maybe I'll go to LA, become a bar time that somebody will see me put me in the movie, because you know, I got limo, I got bitches driving me and shit. Wouldn't that be a nice fucking week? That'd be great. You're sitting there staring at me. Oh, I'm so high. It sounds

like it's kind of like, like crash dieting, because there are a lot of people who who win a lottery, like go out, like go and like blow it in like two years. Yes. So if like you really put the work in or earn the money, you're gonna be like, I'm not gonna fucking buy 18 houses. That show was scary, like on Discovery, whatever, like how the lottery ruined my life. I can't imagine. It's like when Billy Corbin, that guest has that movie broke, right? He's the one who made broke for the 30 for 30. When freaking NFL players or NBA players who made a hundred million dollars are now broke. Yeah. What? How does that happen? What's the guy that shot the limo, Joey, my mistake? Oh, yeah. That motherfucker's still worth money. Because I talked to somebody and they're like,

yeah, he has a construction company and never went under and something else. Did that guy go to jail? He did for a little bit with a shotgun, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went out. He's out now. But yeah, I don't remember the name. Let me give some shout out to the sponsor here. But Steve Med, I want you to call, come back on the show, the week of the CD. I would love that. You know, I've seen you do this. I know it's a number one CD. I've seen you fucking do it. I've seen you do it over and over. And it's amazing the power you have in people. And when you talk to different circles, people always tell you, you know, it's killing Steve Simone. Oh, that makes me feel good. So it's a great feeling to know you. Listen, man, when you're a comic, it can't be sunny every day.

Right. But those days that it's sunny, you really got to sit back and that's the problem I got that. Got to enjoy it. I don't, I take the sun and I'm like, I don't want the fucking sun. Right. The sun is shining, but I don't want it now. And it's, you're a young guy. You got the world by the balls, you know, you got the condors doing sets. What's going on with Gabe? You thought that fucking lunatic? I saw him two weeks ago for, we went to pro wrestling together. He loves that pro. Oh, it's the greatest we have. So it's like we're 11 years old when we hang out together. That movie starts production. The new one. Magic Mike XXL. Wow, that's awesome. It's a sword today. They're going to call you for that cock. Something the way you read little shirt.

Wait, wait, what's the name of the CD? It's going to be a remember this from when you get sad. It's very similar to what you're talking about that line from Splash. I just want people to remember the good times. That's it. That's why I'm putting it out. It's amazing how years ago I would go to watch different comics when I moved that light, but there was one comic in particular when people went to watch they leave that and you can see that had a different feeling on their face. And that was Pablo Francisco. He was so giggly and so goofy that I would look at people and go like I would open for him and it would be like I wouldn't get one laugh because Pablo people they goofy, they bubbly, they love to laugh and people get the same when they watch you.

Wow. They get that same little bubbly feeling. You bring them back to a jumping on the bed, but it'll fuck you. Yeah, all that stuff. Two little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. I have to listen to that shit every day. No more monkeys jumping on the bed. Oh my god. Take it. Take it. Take it. One little monkey jumping off. Coming to you. The church of what's happened now. Tonight is Monday. Let's give a shout out to my fucking favorite sponsors in the world. Hulu Plus. I cannot stress these motherfuckers enough. I can't stress them enough because all I hear is good things and better things and better fucking things. They got shows. They got TV movies. They got the fucking daily. What else they gotta leave?

They got everything. The guy, the Tonight Show. What else? They got everything. They got Scandal. I think they have Salt Park on there. They have every great show you want to see and especially since it's the fall now, like all the big shows on NBC and Fox and CBS are coming back. I know for a fact they got South Park. Yeah. I know for a fact Hulu Plus got South Park. And they have good stuff too. Your wife watches SpongeBob. Hulu Plus has leashed programming, the Criterion Collection, kids, original. Watch Hulu Plus anytime, anywhere on any streaming device. Do you understand me? Smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox. Pretty much any streaming fucking device. You can watch Hulu Plus. Now, if you watch the commercial, they giggle, have a good time. They give you

for $7.99 a fucking month. That's great. That's a great price. I'm doing the extra, Mom. I'm giving you two weeks for free. Two weeks, Gratis. Two weeks, Gratis. Boom. I'm the fucking arm just like that. You go to HuluPlus.com and you press in. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y. Right now, tonight, you start your two-week subscription. You fucking binge watch. You can sit there for 22 fucking hours and watch everything they got. I don't give a Frenchman's fucking those two weeks. At the end, you know what? You don't have to. But it's eight, what is it? $7.99 a fucking month. Lord orders SVU. Keeping up with the Kardashian, Hell's Kitchen, Modern Family, Bob's Burgers. I'm doing everything at you. You understand me? $7.99 a month. Two fucking weeks

on the arm for free. Gratis, $7.99 a month. That's $96 a year for fucking entertainment. You can watch anyone on the way to school, at home, on your computer. Go to HuluPlus.com and get your life together. Number two, who else we got here today? On it.com. This ain't a vitamin. This ain't a mineral. This is a way of motherfucking life. If you want to be above everybody and walk around being sharp, Alphabrain. Start with Alphabrain. I don't give a fuck what you need to do. Alphabrain got a money back guarantee. 100%. You didn't have to send the product back. If it don't work for you, fuck it. Just call us. Call the fucking on the hotline. Say it didn't work for me. I want my fucking $40 back. Whatever the hell it is,

they'll send it back to you. That's the power on it. But don't stop there. Shroom tech. Right now for my, I've taken strong bone. And it's helped me. Two of those things a fucking day. My car is going to be better. My fucking, my mnisk is going to be better. My dick's going to get fucking harder. And that's how hard it works. It's human optimization. You understand me? That means the best of you. Remember fucking the full fighters? They sang that song. I want another, the best of you. This is the best of you. Whether you want hemp protein, whether you want shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune, whether you want fucking strong bone, whether you want the enzymes, we ain't fucking around here. Go to audit.com, get 10% off press.

Church. C-H, U-R-C-H, get 10% off. What? I wasn't delivered every fucking month of my out, Joey. Then let's just, just tell on it. And you got to stay on the program, you get additional 10% off. Plus you get the fucking mailing list. You got everything but the kitchen sink. I'm sorry about the cough. I got to eat some more fucking. I got to eat my wife's asshole. Something's not right here. You know what I'm saying? I dipped that fucking Hershey syrup. What the fuck are you talking about, able family? All right, Dollar Shave Club. I can't tell you how many times I've been mentioning it to you people. For the money, for the money, you can't fucking lose. Why are you going to go down and get a razor with a flash

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Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get those blades sent right to the fucking house today. In the box. Church. One dollar, six dollars, or eight dollars. Who's better than me? Tonight you've been sitting there all fucking night going, Joey's pretty fucking high. But he's been smoking some. I'm smoking the hit. He sings cigar. This motherfucker is bad to the bone. It's crapped it. It's got wood. It tastes delicious. I'll blow this shit in your fucking face at the track. Twelve hundred times. Twelve hundred fucking times I could blow this. That's the beauty of it. Tastes fantastic. Last longer. Hit he sings. They got the cigar. They got the cigarette.

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don't have to fucking smoke and you can breathe. You're a soldier again. Go to hit he sings.com. All right. What are you breaking my balls for? Lee, what's going on? You're looking at me like somebody stole your fucking cookies. Oh my god. You're out of tacos. You're gonna eat that bag of cheese. No, I'm trying to do that for the night. Yeah, I'm gonna be careful the night I'm out of smoothie. You're not gonna eat a fucking subway sandwich and shit. Where we going tonight? We going out? Sure. Where you going? Where's the options? We got a couple options. We go to Ha Ha. Comedy store. We go to comedy store and hang with my man, Steve Simone. That sounds fun. We'll finish the edible. We'll get some tacos from Hollywood for $22. Then you'll see how good it is to have a

Mexican. I keep telling her she needs to open a taco truck or what she really needs to do is go back east and spend like two years in Boston and just kill it. Make $20 million because there's nothing. We joked around that she's gonna cater the like the engagement party or something like that. Who is? Her mom. What engagement party? Nothing. It's like in the future. What are you having this engagement party? That hasn't happened yet. Are you really that much of a half a fag? Yes. You really are that much of a half a fag? No. Get it together. What? You're slipping. You're slipping. What? But yeah. You're having an engagement party and you're gonna bring your mom. We just had this discussion on Wednesday about this. There's no fucking engagement party. You married that bitch a week before the

fucking wedding. You tell us. They're Mexicans. They used to. They do it all the fucking time. It's nowhere near right now. Don't believe the hype. They get married and they're dying fucking. Those motherfuckers can set a wedding up in three days with $20. I'm sure she could. Don't fall for the hype a year before. Nothing. You tell your mom, mom, you're coming out sadly. Don't want to just pack a fucking bag. There'll be a version of American ticket. Don't even get me starting because I'll fucking burn this and guard your eyes. We got work to do. You're gonna drive this shit. I'm not anywhere near that happening. I'm not anywhere near that happening. You're fucking Chinese food to Santa Monica. There's a good Asian fusion right on Burbank

Boulevard. It says the best one in the state. What's it called? Come down here and go back to Santa Monica. That's a fucking call. Like this fucking guy. He guesses everybody. Yeah, Santa Monica. Yeah, I'm going on there with the fuck. It was fun. It was fun. Did you take our pictures in a photo booth? I bet you did. Yeah, we had a good time. I bet you did. That's a fucking. Can you believe what I got to deal with here? He's the best. He had a fucking smoothie. I didn't have a smoothie. That's why this week we're going deep all fucking week. I go deep every week. No, we're going deep straight to Friday night about this. Well, if you listen to the Ruins Reason podcast, you'll know that I do go deep every week. I love you cocksuckers.

We'll be back Wednesday night, Steve Simone. I'll be looking for the CD. Thank you. We got to pin this shit. We're gonna sell fucking millions, fucking copies of it. I'm agitated here tonight. Why? Because I'm agitated. You fucking pissed me off with your language and engagement parties. I remember when he was in Boston with me, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm showing the woman I love. I didn't fucking break your fucking head. I didn't ever say that. Yes, you did. I said I'm showing one girl from Boston. No, no, he goes, this is what he said. This is the girl I love. I'm not even married. I'm not in fucking days. What? The woman I love, I would even take the fucking jersey. Yes, you did. The woman I love, some shit he gave trying to hit me with one of

those fucking movie lines. 80s romantic comedy. Don't get the fuck out of here. Get your ass in that fucking plane cocksucker. But I'm with the woman I love. I'm coming to show up. I'll fucking beat you with this fucking cigar cocksucker. You're lucky I love you, you fuck. Who loves you more than me? Nobody. I don't know. I give you 10 milligram brownie, a half a gummy bear, look at you. Yeah, and I stopped him from eating black ham. He ordered black forest ham. I did. That fucking subway sandwich. I thought he was getting a six inch. He got the fucking foot lobe. Well, you got me super high. That told me nothing. I threw the other half away. Thank God, because I had to berate you. But black forest ham. Yeah, I got black forest ham in Turkey. I go, no, you got

Turkey on Turkey for the 80th fucking time. They make their products from Turkey every time. I had a sandwich too. It's not like I was there by myself. I didn't get a fucking foot lobe. I know it's bad. Okay. Well, I didn't finish them, but yeah. Because I had to talk you out of it. He brought it home. I was so high. He brought it home like a fucking kid, like a woman with three potato chips in a bag like this. And he folded up the bag of potato chips. And I looked at him, he was like this whole thing, like I was gonna take it from him. I'm like, this is fucking amazing. This motherfucker's actually taking these chips. Oh, I was gonna feed it. I don't like food in my fucking car, especially subway sandwich. Yeah, I have to get a ham because it's either a ham or

turkey, the least amount of calories. It's horrible. I get the cold cut combo. It has ham on it. And as I'm eating it, I can taste the fucking turkey wings. Disgusting. I eat that shit for the lettuce and tomato. This fucking guy don't even eat the lettuce and tomato. Yes, I do. I had lettuce and pickles. No, you give lettuce and you told them to light on the lettuce. I don't eat the tomato. I don't eat the tomato. I don't eat the tomato. I go, where's the spinach? I don't eat the tomato. You gotta eat that's why you cook the fucking subway. They ate that shit. They ate that radio. They ate the subway because you're too, like, you don't have time to cook. If you really want to just let it just make a salad, it's disgusting. The chopped salad's not bad. Is it not?

I was thinking about getting rid of the fucking calories. 50 calories? For the cheese and veggie, the veggie cheese sandwich, they put it in the salad and chop it up. It's not bad, bro. It's not fucking bad, guys, to fill you up between gags. It's not what you eat, like, fucking Johnny Maynkors over here. He goes in there, like, with a fucking thing and a napkin and a napkin, like, this is yummy for you. He talked me into these chips that tasted so bad. I didn't tell you to get those. I got rough. I ate one and I threw the fucking bag out. I thought I'd eat the crack holes pussy. That would have tasted like the sour cream tasted like yeast infection from a fucking disgusting. I'm feeling very attacked right now. I love you.

I don't understand how the fuck for 10 years you ate subway. This guy would go to the subway. It's like the way you go to the scent taste. Oh, uh, Vincent's. And he would look at the sandwich and go, this is fucking tremendous. No, well, I used to get tuna or Italian. No, no, what else you get? Spicy Italian. He gets that chicken wing shit. No, I never got that. Buffalo wing. Never got it. I got the steak and cheese ones. I never got the buffalo. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I got to deal with people. You think like I fake on them. I love this motherfucker like a son. This has to end because this is all of you. This has to end. This is all of you. If I die tomorrow, this guy's back on subway sound. I would never

Yes, he would have been balling jump up and down and they eat that shit and they go for fusion. I can't have this. That's all the fusion. I can't have this. You're a fucking soldier on the church. You got to be tough. You're a fucking lieutenant in the church. You got to set an example. You can't be honest. I don't give a fuck. It's not. It's not. What do you call Arabian? That's what the What do you call that? That's ISIS fucking Jesus. That's what ISIS gives you. Some fucking idiot tonight to retweet a video of how the government's doing ISIS. I don't give a what you do. I don't give a fuck. Why are you scaring me with this? It's 8 30 at night. People are supposed to be in a good mood. Yeah, let me watch Splash and have some rigatoni. This guy wants to be CNN on Twitter.

Scared fucking white people. Get the fuck out of here. I love you, cocksucker. Steve Simone. Nobody I love more than you. Flying Joe. I love you. No more fucking subways. I haven't been in a subway. Last weekend, wholesale sushi. It was not wholesale. He wants the same two fucking dollars on sushi. I tell him to stop it. It's not cheap sushi. So that place I've been through and it's got a window. He's in a strip wall. The windows are black and it's a sushi Japanese, but he's in there fucking hiding telling me the noodles are good. I can't have this. This has to come to an end. You should have seen him in the subway here that he scared me. He was all over the sand when he was hiding from me.

I'm like, what is that? Ham and turkey. What the fuck are you doing? Ham and turkey. One is ham, but you got me so high dude. I was high too. Okay. I ate the cocksucker. Boy stacked it with lettuce. Brown mustard was a good guess by the way. Brown mustard is great. This guy's bad for the boy. No, but it's just, I got, I laughed about it later because remember, oh, because I was very proud of myself. I was so high, but right as we were leaving, I was going to go for a bag, but that guy came in trying to sell a credit card and I was going to go ask for a bag, but I like, I could sense you getting out. You're like, let's get out of here. So like, I just ran with us carrying the subway sandwich with just the paper wrapper. Some black guy with a

story that he couldn't talk a two year old kid. How you doing? I got this car at the hotel and they said, remember, it was like a fucking story about a car. Yeah. And he was on a bike. I'm like, what is it? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Go for a fucking walk. Go talk to Isis. All right, cocksuckers. I love you. Stay black, my brother. Stay black, Lisa. I had no more subway sandwiches. It's over. A little 52 girls for your cocksuckers. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcasting in an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey,

or just go to joeygis.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razor sentient door every month for a fraction while you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church, or just go to joeygis.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. So it's also sponsored by on it.com. Use code word church to get 10% off at checkout with any of their optimization tools like Alpha Brain, New Mood. And the last is hit E6.com. Use code word joey's church for 20% off your order. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ladies and gentlemen

today Happy Valentine's Day Happy Valentine's Day Happy Valentine's Day Happy Valentine's Day Happy Valentine's Day