Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #209 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, October 31st… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V. & Better Help… BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month of online therapy LIQUID I.V. Support the show and get 25% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Displate #Manscaped #BlueChew #LiquidIV #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's the last day of the month and Halloween, you bad motherfuckers. Stay away from that black cat. The joint is brought to you by Liquid IV. Uncle Joey's morning routine always starts with Liquid IV and helps me get my day start like a soldier.

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What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey coming at you on a beautiful Monday morning, October the 31st. Tricky, tricky, cocksuckers. This is it. Tricky, tricky. It's Halloween day. I'm excited. This whole weekend felt like fucking a Halloween extravaganza.

It started Friday. Saturday we had some shit. She had the kickbox and stuff at school. She had a dress up, whatever. I don't even know what we did Saturday night. I didn't do much, obviously. The World Series, I think I watched Friday night. Philadelphia's on the fucking map.

Bringing that party back to Philly tonight. They're playing in Philadelphia. Halloween night. I gotta tell you something. In my world, that's not fucking good, man. That's not fucking good. I love Philadelphia. I love everything about Philadelphia.

I was telling somebody the first time that I really realized what the fuck was going on in Philly. I got a ton of shit to say today. But since you guys got me started on Philly, it had to be like 81, 82. Like, I'd been to Philly a bunch. Like, I'd been to Philly a fucking bunch, guys. When I was a kid, I'd been there to see the Stones and I used to come down here to some fucking pool and I came to see Black Sabbath and I came to see another band down here. I always liked Philadelphia.

And one night we were watching, we were fucking about to go out and I saw in the paper that the Lakers were playing the Phillies, the Phillies. The Lakers were playing, the Lakers were playing the Sixers. And a bunch of us, like three or four of us, I called one guy and I go, listen, man, I think this is the year Julia Serving pulls it off with Moses Malone. The Lakers are giving Philly a point. Who the fuck are the Lakers to give Philly a fucking point at home? That's a complete different fucking situation.

Philly at home in those days, Philly at home any fucking day is completely different as a stadium experience or an arena experience at any other stadium. They're going to torture you with that. You're going to get hit with French fries. It's a complete different situation. So we get in the car, we had to Philly. Sure enough, we put a bet in and to my, Philly won the game. It was that if you ever see that fucking game when Julia Serving got the ball

and he cupped it against Michael Cooper and they slammed it, that's the game we were at for like 20 bucks, like in the second area there. Jumping up and down, it was phenomenal. But in those days, if you scored 125 points, something, anybody who's from Philly and is my age or remember this, if the sixth is scored 125 points, you got a free fucking cheeseburger. Guys, just some shitty fucking cheeseburger. No big deal.

But when you're 19 years old, that cheeseburger goes a long way. You just put away five bucks that you could use for a beer later on. So I don't know. I don't know if we had the coupons that night. I don't know if we didn't get them, but we went to a hamburger place. Philly, if anybody remembers this place, please let me know. And we get there and fucking half the game is at the stand. You know, I mean, I don't know how many, there had to be fucking 3,000 people there.

Well, that's what it seemed like. The line was out the fucking ass. But after about an hour, we're out there giggling and having a good time. And by the time we get close to the door, you're in Philly. A fight breaks out, right? Just like three dudes for like two other dudes. This went on for about 15 minutes. The people I had grown up with, they were ready to fucking jump in there and shit.

But nobody on that line moved. Like it seemed like usually when there's a fight, people turn around, people watch, people clap, people say call the police. Guys, nobody said a word, which made me believe that this isn't everyday occurrence down here. That people are waiting on line for fucking hamburgers and all of a sudden they just bang it out with each other. But it gets better. Some way the fight ended, but somebody went to his car and got like a fucking hammer. Not a stick, not a knife, not a gun. He came back with like a fucking hammer and he hit the other kid in the fucking head with it.

Guys, you can't write this shit. I'm 19, I'm 20, maybe 21, maybe, maybe. No, I'm fucking 20. You can't write this shit. He hit him with a fucking hammer, right in the fucking head, caved in his fucking head, eyeball was out, the guy's on the floor. You know how long it took the people in Philly to go over and help that motherfucker? There was no brotherly love in that motherfucker that day because nobody gave a fuck about that dude. Maybe three people went over after the dust settled.

When the dude with the hammer left, that's when people went over. But when the dude with the hammer was there, people were just eating that cheeseburger like it was a beautiful fucking day at a park. And I was like, wow, this motherfucker just got hit in the head. Not with a new chuck, not with a fist, not with a fucking ball, but with a hammer. That's real, guys. A fucking hammer is real. I haven't been eating my burgers. Oh, my boys, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's get the fuck out.

We don't even belong in this motherfucker. And now, like you hear about all this violence and shit like this across the country. Like, oh my God, and that story goes right into what I saw two years later in San Francisco when they stabbed the motherfucker. They gutted his stomach in front of the fucking original Joe's at lunchtime. This guy was just sitting there with his stomach gutted. The blood wasn't even red. It was that purple color when it's just turning brown and shit and nobody gave a fuck. It was a different world back then.

But anyway, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I wish Philly a lot of luck tonight. They don't need my fucking luck. They've been doing fucking great. The game Saturday night, you know, what are you going to do? Friday night, they went into fucking Houston and showed them what they could do. I'm not cheering for anybody. I got Philly for the series because it was a long shot.

I love fucking underdogs. That's my fucking world. But I think it's going to be interesting. I think they're playing Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I'm going to try with everything in my heart to go on Friday night. I got a call in there. So I don't, you know, I'm trying everything. I'll take any ticket.

I just don't want to stand. I don't want to stand for fucking nine innings, you know, but you're in Philadelphia. So I can't even, I think people are going to go dressed to the stadium tonight in costume, which means you're going to get hit in the head with something because when somebody in Philadelphia, you get hit in the head just for being down there when they're in costume. They got nowhere. Now it's a fucking free for all you need is Ted Nugent on the drums and somebody's getting smacked tonight. It's fucking tremendous.

I fucking love Halloween. Listen, last night, listen, Halloween was when I was up to about like eight Halloween was cool. You know what I'm saying? Then you're like, fuck Halloween. Once I moved to Jersey. I don't know why. When I grew up in New York, nobody ever talked about it. But once I moved to Jersey, people used to talk about devil's night.

All right. When I moved to Jersey in the seventies, I didn't hear about devil's night again till the crow came out. Like it just, it got invisible to me. It was something that wasn't spoken about. It's like Monday night football. When I was growing up, Monday night football was the shit was the shit by lunchtime. You on the phone with your friends. Where are we going?

McSawley's, this place, shenanigans. This place gives you fuck. Every score was who would give you the most food. Like if someplace had peanuts and chips, we're not going down there for fucking peanuts and chips. By the eighties, they started giving you fucking meatballs at Monday night football and chicken wings and shit like that. So whoever gave you the best fucking food on Mondays, that's where we're at. 50 cent mugs of Heineken. 50 cent mugs and a froggers.

Ooh, and a nice frozen mug. The old days, good googly moogly with a half a gorilla biscuit on a Monday night. Cause you didn't have 50 bucks for blow. It's Monday. You can't start the week off strong, but a little fucking half a quailude. That means you're both chipped in two bucks. Come on. Little quailude, your leg goes numb while you're sitting there.

Fucking tremendous. I miss those motherfucking days. But anyway, I didn't discover devil's night till I moved to fucking Jersey. I didn't discover it in my neighborhood. All right. I grew up in off, given that terrace off 38th Street Park, Buck Wild Park. Loved growing up there. But the craziest fucking part close to us.

I don't know what happened up in Northern North Bergen, like Horace Mann and Robert Fulton. But the craziest area by us when I was, when I first got to North Bergen was 26th Street. It was just a, you took your fucking, you took your fucking the bus, the number one bus to 26th Street. You had Roosevelt Stadium when you got off this fucking stadium was huge. It was where like Emerson and Union Hill used to play. And if you walk down that hill, like there was a little bodega on the corner there. That was the home of the eggs. We used to get eggs in that motherfucker.

And then you walk down into 26th Street. And it was like, I don't want to say it's a housing project, but it's something like all the houses look the same. All the buildings look the same. I don't know, maybe it was a project or whatever, but it didn't matter in the seventies. It looked great. And when I got to North Bergen, one of my like slash cousins, Julian lived in one of those buildings. So I would go visit Julian. I would go visit this other Cuban, his cousin Martin Perez, whose father was Batista's driver in fucking Cuba.

We'll get into that some other time. So I started with going up over there and they would, and they would take me around 26th Street. And I got to meet the Carvajals and the Aramedes and Dean LaPreet. And, you know, I got to meet these fucking savages Alfred Osleigh and fucking just these fucking dudes that were animals. And on, on, on Devil's night, we would start off. Yeah, you got the eggs. You put the hole in them with the needle and you put them under your bed. So when you hit somebody with an egg, it smells fucking horrible.

Whatever eggs you didn't hit your friends with, you hit the acidic juice with, you know, because that's what was what was hip in those days. I don't mean to be striking the Jews. Everybody's been beating up on the Jews next between Kanye and fucking Kyrie Irving. A fuck, everybody's going nuts. So, you know, you had the fucking eggs with the hole in them. You had, you got sock and you put sock flour in your socks. You put up, you got socks like regular socks. You doubled them up and you put baking flour in that motherfucker.

And when I hit you with it, powder comes out. So I would hit you with a fucking egg. You get hit with an egg and then we come up with a fucking sock and clock down the head with a fucking sock. And the flour will go anywhere. The power of 26th Street, the power of 26th Street that they had over any other fucking thing was you had that place. Duratest up the fucking corner. And Duratest, that was the secret that 26th Street possessed. That no other, you know, like superpower, you know, like the Avengers and all those fucking guys have superpowers.

When it came to the street devil's night, nobody had better superpowers than 26th Street. We had, we had a company called Duratest. Duratest had some type of fucking cancer powder in their light bulbs, like these light bulbs we use. They would make the long ones, the eight foot ones, the six foot ones, the three foot ones, and they would make regular light bulbs and throw them in a tub. So we either hit you with the flour or the egg, or we hit you with the light bulb or the three footer, the eight footer or the ten footer, whatever the fuck. Can you imagine kids running down County Boulevard with fucking six foot white things? Like just people like, what the fuck are they doing? They'd be like, kind of us running with fucking those fluorescent lights.

And when you hit somebody with those things, nothing happens to you. You're not going to lose an eye or nothing like that. But there's a residual powder in there. And that shit lands on you. Between that, the flour with some egg yolk, you're a fucking goner. You understand me? It's called Mischief Night back in the day. Mischief Night, Devil's Night, a little fucking Liquid IV.

I took a little Concord grape. You know, it's funny because everybody said, well, Liquid IV, it's high in potassium or high in whatever. When I went to the fucking doctor last week and they banged me out with the blood test, that was the first thing they said to me. They got to start drinking more, eating more potassium, vitamin D with K2. So it gets the fucking vitamins to your fucking arteries. So it cleans out the shit. Here's to you, cocksuckers. A little Concord grape.

Nice, cocksuckers. But anyway, yeah, that was Devil's Night, dawg. And listen, I can tell you a bunch of shit. I never went, I was only 10, 12, 13. I never went outside for Devil's Night. But Devil's Night used to get fucking, like we were close to all those cemeteries. As we got old on Devil's Night, like, I don't know when that shit started. We must have been like 12.

And one night somebody said they cut through the, through the cemetery and they saw Devil worshipers in there. So especially like Devil's Night, we wait for Devil's Night. And we wouldn't go to the cemetery by 38th Street. Not the one my mother's buried at. Because then it's a small cemetery, but we would go to the one by 46th Street up the corner from Diddy Contaro and Carlos Contaro. They got cemetery for miles there. Like I told you, that 46th Street hill is on the slant. That has to be this close.

So when we were kids and it would rain, the funeral, the cemeteries would wash out. And the fucking bodies would go down the hill, caskets and shit. Carlos, I'll have Carlos on the podcast on these days. He'll tell you that one time a casket was open. It just opened because the rain dragged it down the hill. It was a skeleton with a sweater on. You know, nobody fucking saw nothing. But that's how crazy that area is for cemeteries.

So I still remember a bunch of guys going, nah, Devil's Night. We're going to go to fucking the cemetery tonight and beat some people up. This was a kid like Juan Soto. Juan Soto knocked the girl up when he was 13. I never saw that motherfucker again. Most people have to quit high school because they're animals. This guy had a quick grandma school. Like he had a quick grandma school.

Like I never saw him again after seventh grade summer. But he was a crazy Cuban kid. And he had some other crazy Cuban kids, Mario Diaz. These kids were out of their fucking minds. And one day they came to me like, listen, dog, we're going to the cemetery tonight to beat up on Devil worship and throw eggs at them and fucking chase them. And I'm like, come on, guys. And in my mind, I didn't want to go in that cemetery.

And I'll tell you why. Because a lot of times, Santeros would go in there to do rituals and shit like that. If it was a spiritual ritual, I had never been involved in anything like that. As a child or had never heard anybody talk about it. But I'd be walking through the cemetery sometimes and I'd see some Santeria shit like a dead pigeon or something like that. Santeria people kill pigeons and chickens. Cats know. Monkeys know. Squirrels know.

You know, dogs know, know, know. So if you see a dog in a cemetery, that's a devil fucking worship. But anyway, getting back to the devil worship of story. So it was Halloween like 74, something like that. There was like, oh, this little group was like a group of bastard kids. This wasn't like Dominic's, but she out or Anthony Bowser. And these are little Cuban kids with a couple of dirty white kids. They recruited from 26 three field and they wanted to go up to fucking 26.

Yeah, 26, 26, we didn't have a field. It was just they had a basketball court that overlooked route three. So if you ever had it into the city, right, boom, boom, boom, you see my grandma school on the side and you see the York hotel, you're going to see a bridge that comes over. You know, like when you're hitting Lincoln tunnel and it says you're going to Lincoln tunnel and then you go into that city, that's Union City. But the first one you hit, you're going to see a little walk there on that corner on the top. There used to be a basketball court there.

That was tremendous. But the other thing was during the summer caterpillars would come out and you'd have to step on them or whatever. Like there'd be thousands of fucking caterpillars everywhere. And you would step on them like as a kid, you know, because you're a fucking idiot. And I'll never forget I was stepping on those motherfuckers one day. We're like earphones. I couldn't hear nothing. And my friend Poncho fucking grabbed me by the neck.

I almost jumped eight fucking feet. Yeah, I thought one of those caterpillars came to life. I was fucking petrified. But right there, they all hooked up there one night and they're like, we're going to go beat up fucking devil worshipers. So I don't know. I took, I took, I took like a fucking sock with flour in it and a couple of eggs and I went up there and sure enough, we're in those fucking cemetery.

Like we're in that cemetery, like fucking 10 minutes and we hear something. This is on fucking devil's night off of 46th Street. If you go deep, deep by this point, we're like on 51st Street. That's all a creepy part of that cemetery there. And we hear something in the weeds and sure enough, it's some guy dressed in like black with a fucking hood or something like that. And we just shut down for like four minutes. We were kids, man. We were fucking kids.

Like two kids were scared and we were like, let's just chase them and see what happens. And we're like, ah, we started chasing the dude and he started running. And all of a sudden, like, I don't know, I got lost like two other guys. I'll never forget that I started seeing my friends running back going, no, turn around. There's like 300 of them. And then we're like, fuck this. And we ran the fuck out of there. And we saw some of the guys chasing us.

We never, you know, they wanted to call the cops his shit, but I never had the time. We just went home. We just never went back to the cemetery. That's it. End of that fucking thing. No reason to be chasing devil. I don't even know if that was that worshippers. I shouldn't say this shit, but oh my God, it was so much fucking fun.

Halloween and look, did I say anything about getting candy? You can take that candy and shove it up your ass. I never wanted nobody's candy. We were raised that if you didn't give us money, like you had to give us fucking money. Fuck your fucking candy. Okay. And I'm not talking about, we were six and we already raised you. Like we were already training in money.

Like my first trick or treat ever was on Broadway. Like I lived on 88th Street. So my mother goes, just trick or treat on Broadway. Guys, if you went home with three pieces of candy, that was a lot in the seventies. I swear to God, you went home. You get rolls of pennies. You got tons of rolls of pennies, which is 50 fucking cents. We went out to get money.

This chocolate shit, you can take that chocolate. When we were kids, if you gave us candy, we'd fucking stab you. Listen, it was well known. If you didn't give out good candy, your house was getting bombarded with fucking eggs, shaving cream, that fucking blue shaving cream. You were getting hit with that. I mean, guys, society was so much fucking different. The cops were like, I got hit with eggs.

Well, you didn't give the kids chocolate. Even the cops fucking knew. The cops even fucking knew in North Bergen like this guy didn't give out good candy. You gave out money. It was a bucket with 70% pennies, dimes and nickels. Maybe fucking 10 quarters. And the rest, there was no fucking little bite-sized chocolate in those days. They gave you a whole fucking candy bar, guys.

The cheap motherfuckers gave you Hershey's Kisses. And they're not bad. Hershey's Kisses ain't bad. They would give you like 20 Hershey's Kisses. That's 20 cents. Now they give you shit. They got cheap over the years. That's why I usually take all the change that I have throughout the year and I put in a bucket.

And I put it out there. A lot of pennies, a lot of nickels. Who gives a fuck? Who else gives out change? Nobody. So the kids are going to come over here. And they're going to go, whoever lives in that house, they're pretty cool. Just because I give you my yearly fucking pennies.

All that shit that's in your glove compartment. Every time you go to Wawa or 7-Eleven and you throw it in the cup in there. See how many pennies you got in there? You got $100 worth of fucking pennies in there. You really think about it. When I come home and I empty my fucking change. I give Mercy all the fucking nickels and dimes and quarters and they wrap them up to put away money. But the pennies, nobody wants a fucking penny except me bitch.

I'll fucking put those things out for Halloween. Halloween was so fun. I couldn't even get costumes this year for Mercy. We got her a costume and it's a cool costume. She likes it. One of those something from not Black Adam. What's the other one? No, the fucking Natombo, whatever the fuck.

Black Panther. She got one of the Black Panther suits. They told you to put a bra on with that fucking suit. You're getting old. Cucksuckers, you just looked at me. Really? Yeah. Go put on a bra. You're getting old Mercy.

But no, it's Halloween was a fucking... Yeah, Halloween was $100 a day. A lot of people don't know that shit. A lot of people are young. They're going to watch this podcast and go, what are you talking about? Nobody gave us money on Halloween. It was a $100 a day Halloween. Easy.

Easy. Easy. Easy. You could shake down your parents, your friends' parents for a dollar. You get... If you went to a treat and you make $40 and I was a kid. It was only one catch when I was a kid though. You had to be dressed up.

I hate when kids come in and I'm not dressed up. You had to be dressed up because in my neighborhood, if you didn't get dressed up, the other kids would beat you up. That's how cold-blooded they were. If your parents didn't have money like the Clemens' and the O'Neill's. No, was it the O'Neill's? No. The O'Neill's were the twins.

The Olsons. The Olsons were a family that were cool as fuck. I loved them to death, but they had like 22 fucking kids. So, you know, it's a hard living in like a four bedroom house and they live next to the body shop on the block and they always smelled like paint. It was... You know, but those guys always liked they didn't have enough costumes and shit,

but it's a different fucking world for them with kids, man. I don't understand like that. Output can't... I don't think one year they robbed my weed. Remember? No, they not. Before my daughter came and we were already doing the podcast, me, I think Felicia or Lee and I,

I put candy out one night and we had to leave. So, before I left, there was no kids out. So, I went out to the balcony to get high. And the next thing you fucking know, I was just a half a joint and I put it under the candy. I put the... I put the fucking... I put the fucking candy in a, you know, a pumpkin thing.

Like one of those containers you hold with a fucking... With a bucket. With a bucket. And I put the bucket on top of the joint or the joint behind the bucket. I don't fucking know. I didn't want nobody to find the joint. I didn't have nobody would have put the joint. The door was already locked.

And next thing you know, I fucking put the joint under the thing. When I went out, when I got back that night, I went out to smoke the joint. The candy was still there, but somebody had moved the fucking thing. One of the kids had taken my joint, so they were on a fucking trip with themselves, my friend. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Dana gave me exercises to control my therapy, to therapy my anxiety, to slow it down. And for you guys that don't know, BetterHelp is an online therapy that offers video, phone, and chat therapy sessions. You can choose not to see anyone on camera if you like. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. When you want to be a better problem solver,

therapy can help you get there. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. I'm gonna get your 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. And now, back to the podcast. Great week, though. I finally, I was telling Mike

that we had to go to a table read, kind of table read. We had to sing a song on this movie. So we had to sing a song as a cast. And it's off camera. It's just microphones. And then I've never done this before, guys, either. Okay, so this is all fucking new to me.

And it was very interesting, guys. I got really... not motivated, inspired. Man, is that the word we were talking about? Inspired by Christopher Walken. It was funny because I had to meet him in Montclair. There's a recording studio there. Pretty nice area.

I've been to Montclair since 1982 or something like that. But I get up there, I get up there a little fucking early. You know, Uncle Joey. I'm sorry about my fucking hair. This is the new hairdo for the movie. I'm sorry. I know a lot of you have got to turn the lights off in there. They dyed my hair to fucking pieces.

I think it's too alive. But what are you going to fucking do? I only have to shoot one day this week. And then I go full-time on the 7th or whatever that fucking... Yeah, I think whatever, next Monday is the 6th, the 7th. So I went up to Montclair. Fucking cool shit. I went up there.

I got there a little early. I went for a walk in the town. I didn't see anybody. I saw some cops. I saw some people. Cute. And then I walked back to the recording studio. And they said, come back about 2.30.

I got there about 2.30. I went upstairs. And I go on here to feel like they're like, who are you? I'm Joey. I'm here to record the fucking thing. And they're like, are you part of the movie? I go, yeah. So I go back to the check-in.

They're like, no, no, no. Go in the other room there. It was like a studio. I was telling Mike, and I fucking go in there. And it's Christopher Walken and Catherine Heigl, guys. And some of the other actors, like DB Sweeney. I didn't really know them. I knew some other guys from different things.

But I didn't know what they were doing. I shook everybody's hand. I shook Catherine's hand. I shook Christopher Walken's hand. I had never met these guys before. I never met Christopher Walken before. So I fucking sit in my chair away from them. You know, they're on the other side of the room.

Christopher Walken was talking to Catherine Heigl. And I'm just watching. I don't know what they were talking about. But I'm watching this motherfucker, right? The director comes in and he starts talking about, you know, what we're going to do today. It was going to be a light day. We're just going to sing this song and then break us up into

different groups. So everybody sings. And it doesn't have to be perfect. I'm not Elton John. You know what I'm saying? This doesn't have to be perfect. We could just fucking sing. And I was okay with that.

So we break up into the group. So we start singing. That's a mori, right? You know, when the ice, pizza pie, whatever. That's a mori, right? They give us the lyrics. And we got, you know, and I'm out there. That's a mori.

I'm trying it from a different pocket. And I'm trying to sing like Dom Delouise. I'm trying to edit from more. I'm trying to be a bass stiletto. The whole fucking deal. So sopranos, stiletto. So now I'm, uh, yeah, who the fuck knows? We're singing.

We're singing. We're singing. Bam. John Travolta shows up. He was stuck in traffic. Travolta comes in. We all say, uh, hello's, you know. And all of a sudden we're, uh, again, they break us up into groups.

So it's like Christopher and Travolta and two other guys, me and four other guys, then me, Travolta and Christopher Walken, then me. The only people I didn't sing with were the women. I always got mixed up with different guys. The women stayed on that side of the room. So now, uh, whatever a while, but, you know, Travolta's talking. You know, he's talking to whatever, what he feels.

And now they're in conversations about England. We took breaks and everybody's talking about England and this and that. Yeah. We're just talking about the world series. Philadelphia, Houston, blah, blah, blah. But the whole time everybody's talking in this room, there's got to be 20 people. Christopher Walken, don't say dick.

Nothing. But I keep going over and he's one of those guys that just sits there and watches, you know, like he's just, he's just watching, you know, with a nice smile on his face. He's not miserable. He got old and, uh, finally we all got to get up and sing again. And Travolta's singing with Catherine Heigl and they really go into it. They're fucking looking at each other and going away with the song.

And I'm looking at Christopher Walken and he's not having it. You know what I'm saying? He's like, what the fuck is this? You know? So finally they, they end and they go, you know, Christopher, you got to sing now. Chris, whatever they call him, Chris, you got to sing Mr. Walken. He goes, all right, you get that?

He's old and shit. Guys, he did not want to sing. The last thing this listen, we're not singers. This guy did not want to fucking sing. So he finally gets up. He's like, I don't know. I feel more comfortable with somebody else. So yeah, okay.

We put a guy goes up there with him, but he's the main guy. He's an older and we want to hear his voice. You know? And you could tell he's a little embarrassed. You know, it's just you and anybody could sing when there's 20 of us singing, you know, sweet Caroline, ha, ha, ha. But you know, you can't hear how bad people sing. But if you by yourself, people could say that you're fucking tone deaf or whatever.

He goes up there and I don't know what the lyric was guys. He blasted out. He goes, yeah. And we just busted out because he was fucking hysterical. I just fucking died. And you could see that he looked at us and was like, am I funny? It's okay for me to do that. And we're like, we didn't say yes or no.

He's fucking Christopher Walken. You know what I'm saying? That's Christopher fucking Walken. But he looked at us just to see like, oh my God, I did something good. And you could see he was having a good time like an old dude. Okay. Let me do it again. And we're like, all right, go.

And he's fucking singing the thing and he, he waves his arm. Now he's into it. And just by fucking, I told Mike, just he sat down and people were clapping and we were having a fucking great time. Just watch them do this. I just got like this tingle in my heart. Like, wow, you know, it doesn't fucking matter how old you are. That's still a dangerous motherfucker.

That's 40 years of, I'm looking at him for a couple of minutes and I'm like, what, what movie haven't I seen with this fucking guy? King of New York. True romance. Dear Hunter. Have you not seen Dear Hunter lately? Has anybody not watched Dear Hunter lately to see what the strength of that movie is? I would give it out for the movie of the week, but it's like stealing.

I can't believe you haven't seen fucking Dear Hunter. I mean, you know, any movie this guy did, whether it's the other one I like at close range, that that's one of his fucking best movies. This guy is his Saturday Night Live appearances. You guys know I can't stand Saturday Night Live and any of that shit, but that cowbell all that stuff with the fucking dog that dude could do comedy. These are old school people. You know, I'm sitting there watching this guy going, God knows how many years he was

down the boat when Natalie Wood died. Right. This guy's seen some shit. This guy's seen some shit. He ran with fucking when people were real. He knew DeNiro when fucking DeNiro was a kid. I mean, you look at this guy and now he's sitting there. He's 78 years old, whatever the fuck he is.

And he's still more dangerous than ever. It's just economical. Like he's got to be economical. He doesn't have the energy to go fucking 12 hours of being the old Christopher Walken. But I was so guys and I would never say this word, but I was like inspired. I'm like, this motherfucker, I could do this stuff forever. Again, I can't jump up and down and do what he does. This guy's a fucking genius.

But it just lets you know that you're going to be fucking fine. And also let me know one thing. I got nothing against nobody. Guys, if you're talented, you're talented. If you're getting people to pay you money, I don't give a fuck. If you put bottle rockets up your ass and light them. If I meet you on the street, I will shake your hand and I'll shake the hand that you stick the bottle rockets in your asshole with.

That's the type of guy I am. But I also want you to understand one thing. Watch for today and watch for 40 years from now. You know, if you're a young guy right now, a 30 year old guy, you're figuring out entertainment. I want you to think about your career path now because this is important. But think of where you're going to be in 30 years because I did as fucking junked up as I was and drugged up and a fucking criminal. I always thought about this time in my life.

I didn't think about being 70 or 80. I never even thought about being 60. But I thought about my career later on down the line and I've said this for years, guys. Yeah, listen, you might come up with a fucking jazzy phrase or video or something to put you on the map. Right? Like that. That's all of us. I used to work cocksucker, you know, whatever.

We all have something to put us on the map with. That's simple. That's that's that's elementary shit. You want to spread your word. You know, you want to do comedy. You want to do films. You want to be a musician. You want to whatever you want to be.

I want you to make yourself a promise that you're going to be the best fucking thing you could be. Because you still want to do this 30 years later and 30 years from now. You've been doing it for six years. That means you're going to have 36 years of this art under your belt, whether it's playing the bass, whether it's playing the guitar, whether it's singing, acting, comedy, writing a blog, podcasting, all the above, the skin flute. I don't give a fuck what you do. I mean, seriously, if you find a way to get people to pay you, God fucking bless you. God bless you.

But always think of the long range. Always think of the talent that's being developed. When I look at guys like I watch all these old movies. Because that's the era I like. That's the guys that taught me to do what I'm doing now. When I see the Charles Brown, this week I watched the fucking Sting, you know? I gave it out as a movie of the week. So I watched it.

I went on Prime Video and I watched it from the beginning. I ate some mushrooms, the silly mushrooms. I smoked some pot. Fucking brilliant. But those guys, Robert Redford, like those guys in that movie, you don't see guys like that no more. You know, you don't see guys that were that committed, that probably went to Vaudeville, that probably worked in a circus when they were kids. Robert Redford was a fucking soda jerk in Boulder at the fucking, the one coffee shop in Boulder.

I had a thousand stories. He was just a kid that worked. I mean, how does that, what's that got to do with him being an actor? It just lets you know that this kid was doing something. He was a young kid. Like these guys put time into their craft. When I did the longest show and I was sitting there with Bert Reynolds in the morning and he would tell stories about him and his roommate at the time. The guy in the wheelchair in the movie about bowling with the hook on his arm.

The Big Lebowski? The Big Lebowski. That was his room. I forget what the guy's name was, how he fucking, they were in acting class and they had no audition in a theater. And the fucking guy brought a gun to the audition and he threatened. He liked his arm at the audition. These guys were savages. You know, these guys were savages.

Yeah, in their lifestyle, but they put that much into their fucking craft. So nobody said they were fly by night. Listen, I'm a lot of fucking things, but I'm no fucking fly by night. I put my time into this shit. I studied stand-up. I read the books and most importantly, I got on that stage all over this fucking country on a Greyhound bus. Because when I got to LA, I bombed one night at the improv like two years in, maybe 99. I took a bombing along with getting my apartment towed along with other fucking things that made me go.

You know what, man? Yeah, LA is great, but I'm not going to get that good. The good I'm looking to get is not going to happen. Going to the comedy store, the laugh factor, the improv. I'm telling you right now, I need real stage. I need fucking to be in holds every night. What's a hold? A bar where, and it's not a hold like a bad place, a hold is a bar where people don't go there to laugh.

See, when people go to a comedy club, the comedy thing in their mind starts at two in the afternoon. What are you doing tonight? Mike's thinking me to a comedy club. We're going to do an edible. We're going to do a mushroom. It's going to be so much fun. You see what I'm saying? All these words.

You're pre-programming yourself. We're going to go see Tom Segura. Oh my God. You know, you're pre-programming yourself. You know, Mike and I always talk about the open mic experience. I love the open mic experience because it's where dreams go to die. You know, it's like, it's like that. It's like that movie, The Accountant, when he's talking to the young girl and he goes,

what college did you go to? And she's like, Chicago University, where the parties go to die or something. Some stupid joke, you know? You know, I'm talking about that movie, where parties go to die or whatever. The open mic is where dreams go to die. You know, dreams go to die. If you're a musician, you see, you know, you're going on. Do your thing and you're putting on the black pants.

You listen to Motley Crue. Looks to kill, right? She got the looks to kill. You go down there with your buddy who's got a nice car, right? Because he's got a better car than you do. She's like, why don't you give me a ride tonight? She could pull up with him and you go down there to fucking do your thing and you're a fucking bust out. And on the better side, I've been there many nights.

When I've been watching a young comedian special with Rodney and Andrew going, I'm going to go down there and light those motherfuckers on fire with these new jokes. And I get down at this cricket night at the fucking LaRue Lounge. So always remember that going to a program place, a comedy club, or me buying tickets two weeks before, that's a program. If I go to a hole, which means Mike and I are going for a drink to talk about why Mike's girlfriend in the fifth grade left them for the bully. You know what I'm saying? You get those calls during the week.

I need to have a drink. You know, I just remembered in high school, you spit in my eye, whatever the fuck it was. You know, when you go down there and all of a sudden you're like, you're walking to a place like, what the fuck is this? And there's a music, some guy with an acoustic guitar singing like something that you've heard 10 million times. You ever go into a place where there's comedy and you wanted to go talk or watch a football game and you watch the football game for a while, but this kid keeps fucking talking. And then you hear the laughter and then after a while you're intrigued.

You're like, well, let me see what they're laughing about. And you look over and you don't want to laugh. You don't want to laugh. You want to watch that football game. But he says something that makes you laugh. That guy is funnier than the guy you went to see at the comedy club. Joey, how do you justify? That guy just made you laugh in a hole. It's a hole. It's not a hole.

As a shitty bar, it's just a hole where people do not go watch comedy. You went down to do comedy. When I started at the broker, it was a hole. I was a host there and it was a great show and it was great to comedians, but it was a hole. Why? Because I had to make people not laugh. I had to make people stop and watch me while they ate that prime rib. That's completely fucking different.

That's the bottom line with that shit. So my point, you're like, Joey, why are you giving me an ear beating with the hole? I'm giving you an ear beating with the hole because anybody could succeed with something. I don't like videos. In my journey of being a comic, I got into videos. One of the first videos I got success, one was like a third one I had done was Joey Karate. I thought I was big and bad. I thought I was the next Tarantino. You know how hard it is to take two one million hit videos back to back?

I tell you what, you could do two out of 10 and then you could do three out of 25 or three out of 35. That don't hit a million, but the more videos you shoot, the least hits you're going to get, the least. The quicker you put them out, like if you put them out every fucking day, now you're just going to burn people out. So you have to learn a way how to put them out without pissing people off with them wanting you to see it. Is it the third day? Is it the fourth day? Is it the fifth day? It doesn't really matter. My point is that when I got into the video business, people wanted to see me for the Joey Karate videos and they wanted me to make content for what was their videos. When I sat down and went and tried to make that content for their videos, I didn't do too well.

Yeah, some of the videos were great, but I learned about the video business quickly, that your level of video has to be up. You know, my dear friend, one of the great video makers today, Vic, makes 10 or 12 videos a day. You get to see one. It's hard making those videos and it's hard to keep doing it. But what I'm trying to get at here is that you learned another skill. I learned the video skill. Do I still shoot videos once in a while? Not really. But all those skills led up to where I am today. So when I was watching Christopher Walken the other day and he did that move, first of all, he didn't say a fucking word. He just sat there and watched Revolta talk, Catherine Heigl talk, the director talk.

That guy had the most talent in that room by fucking a mile. I just broke down his credits to you. All those movies, this guy did Vaudeville, this guy's the real deal, Sand Night Live. It takes a lot to have all that in your fucking treasure chest, in your arsenal of weapons. No, bro, that dude's got an arsenal of weapons. But to see that guy get up at whatever age he is, let's clock him at 78 and still have what it takes. Let's you know that putting the work in is always fucking great. It's fucking tremendous, man. It is, it'll go with you forever. That's why I don't care that I don't have a lot of the other accolades that comedians have.

I'm a great fucking headliner. I'm a way better feature, but I'm a tremendous emcee. Tremendous. And you're like, yeah, but Joe, you don't make money as emcee. That's fine. I didn't get into comedy to make money. I didn't get into emcee to make money. I can look you in the face and tell you I'm really good as a fucking emcee. Way better than a headliner. There's no money in the emcee. But I did that because I didn't want to cover all the bases. I wanted to cover all the bases. I wanted to make sure that when I got to this level, there was no misunderstandings with fucking anybody. Or the biggest misunderstanding would be with myself.

You either going to pay me now or you're going to fucking pay me later. That's an old Penzo commercial that I have repeated to myself for years over, over, over, because it was the biggest fear that I ever had. Okay. When I went for that denero movie and I listen with the pandemic and shit and I'm not whining. We got out of practice. I got out of practice. You know, number one, I'm not an actor to begin with. So I got out of practice. So when I started popping these auditions, they all started, you know, when you have one audition every three months, you're not going to get the rhythm back. You're never going to get the rhythm back that you had when you audition every day. It's like, I tell you guys about stand up.

If I'm doing stand up every night, like I used to 20 years ago every night and not just for one week for five years in a row when you do stand up every night. That's what your mind is. You're constantly a fucking machine gun over and over again. I don't, uh, I don't fucking, I never wanted to sweat that guys. I never wanted to be in a forum where I wasn't prepared and I see a lot of people now that aren't prepared for the next level. After the pandemic, I saw 20 comics pop up out of nowhere. Good for them. You just heard me say I love when somebody fucking bust a fucking hump, but I love when people get somebody to pay him. I really fucking do. I don't give a fuck. However they do it, they made you go in your wallet to pay him. But all these comics picked up. I see a lot of new faces and I know a lot of them.

I don't care how many fucking sets you did during the pandemic because for six months, half of us were doing sets at the fucking house in front of the zoom. But I guarantee guys, even the guys that did sets, like I didn't do no zoom sets, but I know people who must have done a hundred zoom sets. And I guarantee that comedy went in a different direction also. It built a different muscle. It built a different muscle that they didn't even know they had. I don't even know what that muscle is. But I knew by doing anything, you're just building up to the final result. And that's what I got the other day from watching Christopher walking in a fucking shitty rehearsal that nobody else is looking at or paying attention at. Me being the geek that I am, I pay attention to that shit. So always remember whatever you pick up on my Patreon. I have a lot of young comics that ask for advice and I love that they do, but I instill that into all of them.

Listen, don't rush the process. Take that process and take it in. How old are you? Well, I'm 38. Bro, I didn't even see daylight till I was 50. But every year I got stronger at my craft and I got stronger. What I did, I told you motherfuckers, when I didn't marry the first time I did marry, I couldn't believe I was that good. And you know, guys, I don't, I'm not an ego type of guy, but I couldn't. And not only good as like acting wise, but how I knew my way around everything. I knew where to stand. I knew where to go. I just knew, you're just familiar with that. Even I shocked myself the way Christopher walking shocked himself when we were laughing at him the other day. It's fucking just great guys. My whole point on a Monday morning is if you're going to do something, fucking do it.

Go for it. Learn it inside and fucking out. You got nothing but time. I'd rather you do it now than have to come back and do it later. And somebody says to you, oh, your fucking writing isn't good. Listen, I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, but my strengths are so fucking strong that they hide the weaknesses. You know, energy from me on stage, I would always beat the other guy by energy. Because if you go meow and I go meow and I, you follow me, energy is a complete different. It's a bullshit artist. That's what I would do when I was going on stage. Like I said, you got to figure out. I don't give a fuck how you get for them to give you money,

but you have to figure it out. And that's when I figured out that when I used energy, I became 50% funnier. Just by getting mad, just by getting mad and just wrangling off the top of my fucking head. People go, holy shit, you need to rant more. I never even knew that was a fucking rant. My point is guys, if you're going to fucking walk on ice, you might as well dance. If you're going to take on an art, take on an occupation, go for it. 150 fucking learn everything you can about it. Some kid hit me up two months ago. Joey, I disagree with you when you talked about you watch singers to help you with your comedy. That's right. You don't have to agree with me.

But where the fuck are you standing and where the fuck am I standing? Do you follow what I'm saying to you? We all have different ways that we learn from people. I learned about comedy when I go to jujitsu. I learned about comedy sometimes when I watch music, when I see a guitarist. And I also learned about comedy when I watch fucking comedy. So however it works for you, cocksuckers, it's Monday, October the 31st. It's fucking Halloween. I'm fired up. I'm going to go to a fucking, I'm going to go trick or treating with my daughter and her little goombas.

And then I'm going to a fucking Halloween party at my friends. I'm going to eat some fucking edibles. I'm going to eat some fucking mushrooms. And then I'm getting ready for Wednesday night at the motherfucking Sony theater. It's what is it? All souls day is Tuesday tomorrow. And all saints day is Tuesday is Tuesday Wednesday. So I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip top Magoo ready to go. Leo be here. We're going to fucking burn that fucking thing down.

George Perez will be here. Felicia Michaels will be here Wednesday night. And that's all you motherfuckers need to know. I love you. Stay black. And I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday and hear a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you filthy animals. I want to thank you on a Monday morning for listening. It's the Uncle Joey short Monday morning podcast. We got shit to do on people to see the joint is brought to you by better help. Listen, I love better help. Why? Because sometimes we fix it on problems for so long that we don't find time to help the solution.

Better help will help you find your solution. And I tell you, do when you do, there's no better feeling. A therapist can help you accomplish to become a better problem solver for yourself, making it easier to accomplish your goals and what you want to do and what makes you happy in life. Better help is online therapy that offers your video, phone and chat therapy sessions. You can choose not to see anyone on camera or you can see 10 people on camera, whatever you want. It's much more affordable than in person therapy. And I'll get you a therapist between 48 hours. Try looking for a therapist today with all the problems in the world. Good luck. But here at Better Help, we got you. So do me a favor, become a better problem solver.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And if you go today, I'm going to get your 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by one of my favorites, Liquid IV. That's the first thing I do in the morning. I get a cold bottle of water, 16 ounce. I put a package of Liquid IV in there and I'm ready to rock, Jack. One stick of Liquid IV will get you hydrated faster, two times faster than water alone. Listen, the Concord Grape, the Lemon Lime, the Tropical Punch, the Cherry. I love them all. The Acai Berry. What makes Liquid IV so effective is the cellular transport technology

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But I want to thank you guys for always having my back. Stay black. Have a happy Halloween with your kids and don't eat no fentanyl. Cocksuckers, I'll see you guys on Wednesday. you