Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #212 - Joey Diaz, Bert Kreischer and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 11, 2014

Comedian Bert Kreischer joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/10/2014. Music: Jay -Z Feat. Beyonce - On The Run Curtis Mayfield - Superfly

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like Dark Coco Almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, you get a free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. This show is also sponsored by onnet.com. Go there to get alphabet and new mood shumtech immune, shumtech sport, anything like that and get 10% off when you use codeword church at checkout. This show is also brought to you by meetundies.com. Go to meetundies.com and check out the picks and different styles of the men's and women's underwear they have. Go to meetundies.com slash joey and

get 20% off your first order. That's 20% off of your first order when you go to meetundies.com slash joey. Show is also sponsored by naileditlife.com. For all the oil and wax smokers out there, for the premier vapor print on the market, go to naileditlife.com and use codeword joey Diaz, No Spaces, to get 20% off of your order. And lastly, the show is sponsored by hitesigs.com. That's hitesigs.com. The proof is in the e-sig. Better tasting, longer lasting. Go to hitesigs.com and use codeword joey's church. That's joey's church to get 20% off your order. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. A little Beyonce with that hot fucking black bushy eyes. Singing it up, god damn it. I wish I was Jay-Z. I sniffed that fucking pink lip.

Oh my god. All right, motherfuckers. What? What? The church? Wiggly? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I think you're going deep tonight. We're going deep. I know things are bad when Joey- Where's the music? I'm sorry. Where's the fucking music? Joey calls me about every two and a half hours and then the sooner the closer it gets, like every 15 minutes. He just calls me and says, Dr. Cromner, I just got a collect call from jail. Cromner and Murray sent me the, like, kick the fucking music up before I stab you in the lung. It's true. Wednesday night, cocksuckers. The church of what's happened now. Get your shit together. Oh, what is it? September 10th. The night before the fucking missiles came out.

Unfucking believable. Oh, it's September 10th right now? Yeah, that's it. September 11th. Cut that shit, man. What? What the fuck is going on, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the church. Wednesday night, special edition, 20 of life, no fucking parole. You understand me? My main man, Burke Christ is here. The flying juice here is always fucking. He's still sick. Nah, the cough went away. It's almost gone. Yeah, it's, uh, for whatever reason, the past couple of years, whenever I get sick, it goes straight to like my lungs. But I took your advice. I haven't really been doing anything. I haven't been to the gym in almost a week. A couple of edibles and calmed you down and sweated.

They did help a little bit. It didn't. No, I don't fuck around. All right. Yeah, but I didn't have to need to have as much as you gave me. You got to listen. You mean half a chibichu? What's the perk? What's the point? I gave you half. I spared your life. I should have gave you a whole fucking chibichu, but I could just hear it now. I don't feel good. My feet hurt. Yeah, I don't need that shit. We're men here. You eat the fucking thing and you move on with your life. Yeah, but it's called a decadose for a reason. That means there's 10 doses. It's not a decadose. That's, that's what he's fucking gentile. It's called fucking decadose, which means I'm taking my dick out and I'm saying whatever fucking happens,

happens. That's why it's called decadose. Look up the Greek fucking cinnamon for fucking decad. Deca means I'm slinging dick, bitch. That's what it means. All right. What's happening, Burke? I can't wait. I've got the clock on Lee to see what. Oh, wait 20 minutes. I'm waiting for the kick into his eyes. Fuck him. We ate a little fucking piece of. I like more than half. I had like three quarters. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. So it's fine. You're used to this shit by now. You've been eating edibles for two years. Yeah. You should be like fucking 10 fucking. It doesn't hit me as hard anymore, but it still hits me hard. We got another one. We're going to hold on.

I love that your voice is going like it's getting more mousy. Well, because I have to defend my people say I don't take edibles and it's just because I don't take it on the air anymore. Not really because you just gave me the fucking thing that made Tom Segura take it over. What happened with the Segura? Okay. So he saw the piece that he had. Yeah. He gave Tom like an edge, like maybe 10% of that brownie and he was fine during the podcast, but then apparently when he left here, he couldn't figure out how to get home and got kind of paranoid. He had to call an Uber from the Ralph Sanventura, which is pretty hysterical. If you listen to how he described it on his podcast,

it's pretty good. And you never had a call Uber. I've never put you in that predicament. I almost did. I've called those your 20 times. They're pretty funny thing is you got mad when you heard that I might have been drinking and driving, but then edibles and driving you look you're cool with two different fucking stories. I can not drive. I could not drive on edibles. Jesus Christ. I drive like Marion Drake. You do. There are people who can do that and there are people who cannot. I am tremendous behind the fucking wheel. You know, the alcohol, if I pull you over and you're atop, you can't get out of it. It's like driving a stolen car. You're in the fucking car. There's no, uh, there's no excuse. You can't. What's the attorney do?

Litigation. No, he lips the doubt, reasonable doubt. Yeah. Guess what? I'm in the fucking car and it's hot. There's no reasonable doubt. I'm busted. You know, when you catch up, when you catch me at a hundred dollar bill that was picked up in the bank robbery, you can't pin the robbery on me. That's the second I picked up in the liquor store where I don't fucking know. But if you're sitting in the fucking car with booze on your breath, there's not much I could do for you as an attorney. Yeah. That's why I don't drink and drive. I've never liked that. You can't get yourself out of it. I don't drink and drive. I don't drink and drive just because of the prospect of it changing your life forever. Changing your life. Yeah. Changing your life. I like, if I said to

you tomorrow, there's a chance that you, that you can, you're going to go out tomorrow night. Either one thing, one of two things will happen. Nothing will happen. You'll have a great night or you'll spend 10 years of your life or 30 years of your life in jail. You'll be like, what can I do to not spend 30 years? Oh, just don't drink and drive. That's it. And it's tough when you're younger and you don't have money because you're like, fuck a cab is $50. But when you think about it, the $50 is well worth not going to jail and they're not having to pay for DUI and something like that. You can't make sense. You're not worried about the $50. But you're thinking about that. You should drive home. Yeah. That's what you're thinking about. I could do this.

It's like the stupid part of your fucking ego that says you could do this. But it's the same ego or it's the same part of your brain that tells you that, you know, for years, they tell you cigarettes are bad. People still smoke fucking cigarettes. They tell you McDonald's is bad. People still fucking there's always a line that's fucking McDonald's. So yeah, it's the same thing. Don't drink and drive. You're either going to kill somebody, somebody's going to fucking kill you, or you're going to get a fucking DUI. Did you notice that once you started eating healthy, like we, the office is pretty close to us in and out burger. And like whatever I whenever I'm coming up to the office, the lines out the door into the street. And ever since I've been eating

healthy, I like when I was in that line, I didn't think about it. But now that I haven't had it for like over two months, I'm like, wow. Oh, I do when you're eating healthy. I saw a woman eating an ice cream sandwich the other day. And I was like, bitch, that's just empty calories. Like there's nothing to that. And but you just watch you just eating this ice cream sandwich and she's a big woman. And you're like, don't you realize how much you're wasting on that? But then, but I, I get I'm a, I'm a hypocrite because I'll just kill like fucking 10 beers a night. And that's real empty calories. I love a fucking good chocolate fucking ice cream sandwich vanilla, two pieces Do you go to Menchies? Are you serious? Oh, Menchies. I saw I saw what's the black comic

that it's got like a he's a man. I'm gonna make him sound like he's unattractive. He's a great guy. Big, big black dude kind of looks like a got a weird pointy kind of head. Not earthquake, but the other guy. No, there's like three really big black comics. He like, oh, the guy from Breaking Band. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's him. Yeah, you'll see him at Menchies. Yeah, I saw him at Menchies and he pulled over and he was like, what's up, Bert? He went in by himself, came out with like three ice creams. And I was just like, living large. My kids are like, are those all for him? I was like, yeah, it's amazing that the other day I saw something that was fucked up. I saw a big chick that had

calves. And she was probably 28. But her calves were marbled with fat already. She was ginormous. And I was at the habit with the wife and the baby. I was eating the salad. I was so good at fucking the tritip salad is only 500 calories. It's fucking delicious. It's delicious with the tomatoes and the onions. It's fucking delicious. And I'm looking at this girl, and she's attractive face. She's the typical really pretty face with a huge fat ass. But that's six. That that that ship sailed. She was just at this point, she was just putting fat on top of fat. And it was so weird that she was getting a soda. And I told Lee later on that she must have gotten four sodas while she was there. And one soda to go. I've done that. Yeah, everyone does. I mean,

not everyone. Coca-Cola, not like not like Coke or water or a tea. You know, when you think about all the fucking calories in those five coats. And hey, listen, one time I was at the Miami Emperor, and a guy came up to me and said, not for nothing. I counted how many sodas you drank. You drink like 13. Because in those days, I didn't drink booze. I would just drink Coke. You know, when you're drinking six packs throughout the day, and then 13 to 14 glasses with ice in it at night, you don't even notice you're drinking all those fucking, that's a ton of fucking. Yeah, that's like 1300. That's at least that's almost as much as you're supposed to have for the day. And you don't notice it until you start counting calories. So like, fuck, luckily,

I never really got into regular soda. But it's just, I don't know. It's I've always had diet, not not. I mean, there's always people joke like you go to McDonald's and then you get a diet Coke because you're watching your calories. I just thought regular Coke was too sweet. But and people always say when you stop drinking, you lose weight and not really much of a drinker. So I love Coke and I can't. Ice cubes is nothing better than a good root beer, root beer. I had a grape soda the other day. Tremendous. Dude, grape soda. I grape soda and hot wings. And I was like, oh, my fucking large. When I was a kid, I used to get vanilla wafers and dip them in orange soda. Fucking delicious. Delicious. That's as dumb as can be. I bet it tastes like like a one of those orange

orange Julius. Fucking heaven. That's what it tastes like. Like fucking heaven. You know what I'm saying? How you feeling? Going great. So far. Serious. Like if I owe you 20 bucks, you're only 12 minutes in, Lee. I have eight more minutes. No, I'm eight more minutes. Probably somewhere around there. Today, I had achieved with you. I had to run around today and do a bunch of shit. And I had to go to Chiropractor. I had a meeting and I went home and I popped this a deck of cheap at you at like one o'clock. I was running a bunch of shit. I got plane tickets, you know, just shit. That's three plane tickets, hotel. I had to make a call. I had to send a few emails and hate this cheap at you. And after a while, the baby was asleep and said, fuck,

I'm gonna go outside and get some sun and write some jokes. I'm writing some jokes. And all of a sudden, this fucking cheap at you just fucking overwhelms me. Just fucking overwhelms me, right? And I had smoked some pot and I actually put my head back. I'm like, wow. I love when you get like that. It had to be about 10 after four. And I put my head back and all of a sudden I hear like, excuse me. And I look up, I'm like this fucking salesman. And I look up and it's Berge, our friend Berge, the Armenian. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, Berge, I am fucked up, you know. And he proceeds to tell me a story about his brother's arm is stuck like this forever. And he has to, you know, his mother has to put like a fucking pocket

over here. So you keep his hand in there. But his hand is like this. You know, I'm like, did you get him a cape? You know, and I'm fucking. But the funny thing was, he was telling me a story about his brother. It's like anybody else telling you a story about their family that has a disability, you know. And at first you want to keep it as serious as you can. But I'm going down deep with this Chibo Chewdekka. I just burst out fucking laughing in the boy's face. And it was so overwhelming that I burst out laughing that I almost fainted because I was so embarrassed that I was laughing that lifted everything, the anxiety level. But I couldn't keep a straight, and he kept going. Like, yeah, he has to keep his arm like this. And my mother made a jacket from to stick his arm in.

And I am like Napoleon. Yeah. And I'm fucking freaking. I'm surprised you let him keep telling you because you do when you got high. Did you get a cape like he's going to hide his face in it? If my hand was permanent like this, I'd just get capes all day and walk sideways and walk that way. What sideways? You have at least one cape in your closet. I know you do. I love them. You have a cape somewhere. Wait, what happened to capes? When did they fall out? When these fucking idiots started wearing tight jeans. Capes have been around forever. There's no way you got, if you can't sling dick on a cape, you ain't slinging dick. How long have you been mad before? I don't have a cape. My cape game sucks.

You get a black cape with a red interior. I'm getting a purple cape. Get a black cape with a red interior. And one night go Leanne, I'll be right back and come all's ass naked underneath and coming like this, like a heavy Bella, like a Bella Lagosian 52. Naked with the cape. They go fucking bananas. Women love fucking capes. Capes are so functional. Like if you got cold, I'd have a quilt cape. So I can almost like a snuggie so I could just wrap up in it. Oh, I love a fucking cape. And something else happened when I was out there before Berge came. I got the high going. So I'm sitting there minding my own business. And for some reason, this fucking iPhone, when somebody calls, it beeps, but it doesn't tell you

who called. It doesn't tell you who's calling. So I have to hang up with the person and wait five minutes and the call comes through. So I have to shut the thing off and maybe start it. You'll tell me how to do it. And my fucking other thing keeps asking me to upgrade. And every time I hit a 10 pop ups, come on, I don't understand this fucking app thing. So, you know, I gotta have apps. I don't fucking get it. Just one time, hit me and then move on with your life every 10 weeks. Don't want me to upgrade and do this. Get the fuck out of here. So you mean you're not going to wait in line for that new iPhone? Oh, yeah. I'll be there tomorrow morning. Nice and early. Like a fucking half a fucking moron. I got better things to fucking do

at my time than wait this. I could have the phone first. I can tell my idiot buddies I have it. Oh, you're so lucky because you're still the one like a fucking faggot. That's great. What was I talking about? About something they got your high going. So you should just get a homeless guy to stand in line for you. Just go, Hey, man, you're outside anyway. Give him 20 bucks an hour. Like that's what real pimp would do. But these fucking idiots can't figure that out. God forbid they can't stay outside and tell them some stories about fucking a lot of Delray or the fuck these kids talking about the fucking bullshit they're talking about. So what got your high going? Call mine, call me. Oh, Jesus.

I don't call me this dude that he met this fucking 74 year old guy that grew up in his house. So when I looked at the thing, it's a no caller ID on it. So I thought it was my uncle. So I go deal what's happened. And he goes, What are you fucking talking about? I go, Hey, Mr. B, what's going on? He goes, I've not had something in my mind for the last three days. I really want to tell you. I go, What's up? And he goes, The other night I'm eating fucking whatever dinner and I'm by myself and I see that this deniro Stallone movies coming on. So I say, What the fuck? Let me watch it. So I start watching the movie and you pop up and Joey, my world stop. He goes, The dish fell out of my fucking hand.

He goes, I had seen you in that movie, the longest mile, but I was a fuck that wasn't. But this is real. He goes, And he was hysterical. You with that fucking half a homo Adam Sandler and that fucking young fucking Chris Rock. But he goes, You're a deniro and whatever. He goes, You look cool. And he goes, I tell you, he goes, I thought of your mother in that casket and how she would be fucking proud of you. And he goes, You know, I'm, he goes, It's baffled me for the last three days. Then all those dinners you ate at my house and all those basketball games and all the trips you took with my family. I never fucking pinned you for an actor or a comedian. But he goes, I want to tell you that I'm proud of you and you

look good. I love you and you hung up. He's 70 something years old. And guys, it destroyed my insights because this is not like some fucking agent telling me I did a good job. This isn't my wife or even bird or Lee saying, Hey, it was a good job. This is a guy that swarmed before my demise. He was there when I was just a young fucking kid. That's me at his house, you know, that's him. That's Carmine right there with my buddies at his fucking 50th birthday. That's the mafia. That number 63 in the guy next to him. That's the beginning of the Genevieve's fucking crime family. Right there. That's that fucking three of those eight guys right there, a fucking organized crime. But that's the way we turned up. But you know, that was me. I was just an innocent

fucking kid on some of my mom died. And I got into crimes and I got arrested. And every time I'd see him, he'd still give me a hug. But I could see he was walking wounded because I was one of his kids. I was from his neighbors, a fucking detective. How am I doing blow and doing drugs and robbing houses. So you know what, man, I made him really proud. And I can hear it in his voice. Like he he has nothing left now. You know, that is a demolition of an American family. When I met Carmine, he had a wife and four kids. What happened to his kids? One kid died in the car actually in the eighth grade, the one I hung out with. And then fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. After that, the mother died of cancer. He divorced, you know, the kids stopped talking to him. The

Jimmy moved to Florida, Frank and him went to war. So he talks to Pete. There's no one bedroom apartment. Ashley, he still hasn't slept on the bed because his wife that he had died on that bed. So he hasn't changed the sheets or moved the bed. The imprint of her line is still on the fucking bed. Yeah, he told me this because I don't sleep on the bed. That's for her. She sleeps on the bed. So it's like he's a 74 year old lone man. But all that withstanding, it was the most it was like the best call I've ever had. Like somebody called you and said, I watched this on a plane and you did a great job. That's great. You're in the business. But this guy knew me before I even talked about movies or stand up or stupidity. That's essentially one of your

fathers. Yeah, I was just a virgin of a kid when I started going to his house. I was just a virgin kid that I was open for knowledge and I just wanted to be liked and I wanted to play basketball. That was it. And so for him to send, you know, he got pissed. I'm telling you guys, he was, he shot a guy seven times in his house and self-defense and got away with it. Really? In the back. In the back. It's fucking amazing. This guy's the real deal. And he always was. So when my mother died, he kept saying, you're going to move in with me. But he was tortured on his kids. He made you pay rent. Even in the fucking like sixth grade, you were paying rent. You had to have a job. He got you a job. When you came home on Fridays, he waited for you in

his office and you had to give him, let's say you got $60. You had to give him $15 for the house. You had to give him five for the bank account, five for the Christmas club. You were left with like seven bucks out of the 60. You're like, what the fuck? He gave you like a dollar a day. Like he's like, you live off a dollar a day, did it for years when I came from this country. So I couldn't live with that. I was, I came from a loose house. I came from a house that had fucking, you know, loose curfew. If I had 50 bucks in my pocket, my mom didn't ask where I got the money, you know, there'd be bikes in the garage. Whose bikes are those? Ah, Bert just left them over here. His mother's painting the garage. He's just left them over here. With Carmine, everything was

accountable. Yeah, I'd be accountable for everything. I couldn't do that. I can't do it now. I can never do that. Do you ever think of what would have happened if you had moved in with him? I don't know what would have happened. You probably would have been like a lawyer. I put a little bit of dirty cop right now. You think so? I only got thrown off the force. It would have been, I bet, I bet if you had moved in with him, you would have ended up finding the path of lease resistance because he made things so tough just to be around him. I bet you would have found something like a dirty cop, like you would have gotten in on the thing and then you would have done it your way. It would have been interesting. I always think about the butterfly

effect all the time. Like if you took that one option and you did the other thing, I think about that constantly. Like when Ila broke her teeth, the first time she broke her teeth, I was obsessed at the fact that I knew she shouldn't do that. But I didn't want to be the overbearing parent that told her not to do it because my wife's that way. My wife's like, let her do it. He had to eat a pound of dirt and I was like, these kids are too big. They're playing too rough. But I didn't want to be a pussy parent. So I was like, fuck it. And then I just thought if I could just step back and just, I kept thinking, why can't I just go back in time? Like I'm gonna fucking obsessed with that. Yeah. You ever watched Taken? I was on TV today at that Liam Neeson movie. Yeah.

And I just, because the ex-wife is so mean to him and then it happens and I was like, oh, I can't, I couldn't even imagine having a daughter. Like that's my, I almost don't want a daughter just because I don't want to think about that stuff. And you guys have four daughters. So I can't even imagine, like, luckily you have a wild joey, but bro, your girls are coming up too close in a few years. They're gonna start dating and. Oh, someone, yeah, the fucking Georgia's an adult. I mean, she's, she's like, Leanne size. She shares shoes with her. I started the other day. I haven't gone for a month. I started the other day and I just was like, holy shit, man, she's so big. I don't even recognize her. And she like talks to you and

like says like grown up girl stuff. Fucking. How old is she then? She's 10, but she's, she's, I mean, LA, they grow fast. She's in fifth grade said to me, I got no one to look up to at this school because it's up to fifth grade. She goes, I got no one to look up to. She goes, it was fun when I was a little kid. Now I feel like responsibility. I was like, you're not supposed to talk like that. You're supposed to say like, let's play monster high dolls or some shit. But yeah, I'm freaking out about it. I told you the, I mean, when he was something crazy, when I took the life insurance exam, you take one over the phone. And the guy, the kid answers the phone and he says, I'm going to walk you through all the questions. They ask you if you've ever done

drugs, if you've ever drank alcohol, I get done all my questions. And he goes, he goes, okay, I think we're done for now. I'm going to end the recording. I went, oh, thank you. And he does the recording. He goes, it was a pleasure meeting the machine. And I was like, motherfucker, I just, I'm sure he listened to my answers. Like, I very seldomly drink. I've never tried drugs or whatever my bullshit, you know, like he was, it was like, it was a pleasure to meet the machine. I was like, motherfucker. So, but yeah. Hopefully you get it. Oh yeah, yeah. Let's see if you get it. No, I'll get it. I've changed my lifestyle a lot. I think I've been a lot healthier. But it's that thing you're talking about with your dad. Oh, God, yeah, I'm so fear of death. He moved down to Florida,

because you grew up there, right? Yeah. So your parents are always there. My dad moved down with a girl to Boyden Beach, like where all the old Jews go, and he moved into a retirement village. And all he taught like when I was down there last time, a guy died and then I called him in the next week. And I was like, Oh, did you ever go check up on that guy's wife? And he's like, Oh, I didn't tell you she died two days ago. And like every day someone's dying down there. And now every time we talk, he's like, I have to sign something now for his will. And he tells me he's getting life insurance. And I just don't even want to hear it. But then I think about you, Joey, and like, how maybe you wish your mom talked more about that stuff or, but it's uncomfortable as a kid to hear

it. I don't like people who talk about it because they're, you know, Doug Stanhope has that death pool. Yeah. And nothing bothers me more than that. Because you don't know you're mucking around in death. Yeah, you know, as a kid, when I'm, I'm Spanish, I'm Cuban. And in my house, there was a thousand things you could not do. You know, you couldn't go to my mother couldn't go, Hey, man, I just saw a guy get stabbed in the neck. Don't ever fucking point at yourself. My mother would never say cancer in the house. Yeah, you couldn't say cancer in my house. You just didn't want to fucking put it out there. That's something that we just didn't discuss. You know, you know, people saying I'm going to prepare a will or something. You just, you just avoid that. You

keep it to yourself. You do what the fuck you have to do. But I just don't like the muckery. But after what happened, I mean, we had this conversation with Felicia one day. Yeah, we had this conversation. I go, you know what, you got to, when you have kids, you have to live every day like it's going to be your last day and you have to prepare them like it's going to be. And if not, they're prepared anyway. If not, they're fucking prepared anyway, you know, but we were talking before the podcast started about death and how the other day I wrote a joke, you know, when you hit 50, I don't know if it was a joke or it's funny, but you know, when you hit 50, you're concerned about your health, especially if you've been running on luck for all these years. Like there's people that have been

eating carrots since they were 10 that they've been running since they were 10. They have a heart attack at 52. Then there's Keith Richards. Then there's Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah. Then there's the guy, the singer from Motorhead, you know, let me use a thousand other people, but it contributes to genes. It contributes to a thousand things to me. Like I said on the podcast the other day, God, when they make you to give you a thousand, whatever heart beats, how you reach them is up to you. I tore through some. You know what I'm saying? If St. Peter goes, so what is that God? How many heartbeats is that? He'll live to 82. But if he doesn't discover cocaine, you know, if he discovers cocaine, he'll live at 48, 47, you know? So I always thought it was fucking

heartbeats, but death is something. Every time I wake up now, whenever you talk to Carmen, you go, Carmen, how are you doing today? He's like, God gave me another day. You open your eyes, you give God thanks. He gave me another day. At least 70 fucking six. After fucking 55 when you wake up, you give yourself thanks. I do. As soon as I hit the floor, I say, thank you, God. I rub my head, I rub my ory, and I say, I hope I don't have to drive the fucking Hollywood today. You know what I'm saying? That's the second thing I think of. Do I have to fucking drive somewhere today? Or am I in the fucking valley all day, like a fucking doctor? Yeah. Do I got to fucking go down a bullshit boulevard and talk to some fucking stroke about something that's not going to happen?

Or am I going to have the will to say, you know what? Fuck you. You can tell me whatever you got to tell me over the fucking phone. I got to go down there and listen to fucking three gentiles talk about shit that ain't going to happen anyway at four o'clock, you know, fuck you with it until 11. Oh, you know, it's just you worry about it. I look at mercy every day. Listen, when I hit, when mercy, when I hit, when mercy hits three, if I make it to a week after her third party, I lasted my dad. I always think of that. You know, my mom used to always say, and people would pull me aside and go, you know what, man, I knew your fucking dad. And not for nothing. When he had you, everything changed. My mother's brother, that lives in Glendale, don't say a nice word among

nobody, especially knowing the family. He hated everybody in the fucking family. His brothers, his cousins, and he always said your dad was a good fucking guy. But after you had him, it was all over for him. I couldn't imagine being him. I couldn't imagine being him, him doing a bumper coke in the bathroom and coming out and having a heart attack. He died and feeling his heart and going down to one knee. And I don't have to tell you guys, when you feel your heart and you grab your heart and you go down to one knee, your life flashes before you. You start thinking about stupid shit. It's just the end. Should I make a call? And I couldn't imagine him on his back lying there with everything spinning with him thinking about me. Yeah, saying, God, please don't

do this to me. Give me one more day to be with my kid. Give me one more fucking day to be with my child because that's what I'd be saying. You think when my mother was on that fucking floor in the kitchen when I was 16 and she was having a heart attack, she wasn't thinking to herself, God, please, just one more fucking hour. Let me go upstairs and at least fucking hug him one time. I don't want my daughter to go through that. I don't want my daughter to have to. And that's why I do what I do. I've been sticking to that my fitness fucking thing. Yeah, I'm always 200 fucking calories light until I get home at night. Then I eat like an apple and a banana and some yogurt, but I don't write that down because I've already ended the day. Yeah. But I've been staying in

that realm. You know, this knees killed me a little bit. But before I had the fucking thing, I was going to just do three times a fucking week. I started at one time doing hip escapes. I was having a heart attack. So I believe in just doing a little bit every fucking day. You can't overdo it. That's what I did when I got, I lived hard the last two weeks on the road. The last two weeks on the road were rough for me because I'd just been gone for so long. And then I went, I went to, I called you. I said I was going to Barry's boot camp. And I pushed it so fucking hard. And now I can't extend my arms and my neck hurts. And I thought I was having a stroke this morning and it's like 41. Listen, man, the game changes after 37. And what you think you're doing

in your mind, you really can't fucking do it. But once you're loose, nobody can tell you that. Once you've been 35, 40 minutes, nobody can tell you that. You go, fuck it. I'll do it again. I'll do it again. And then when you walk out of there, you know, I was lifting weights like a fucking, I just power it. Just fucking looking at chicks next to me. Like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I looked good because it was dark in there. I had this shirt on that made me look tapered. And then I get out and I woke up and I woke up in bed last night and I couldn't extend my arms like right now. That's as far as I can. Oh my God. And all I can remember is like going in the middle of the workout going, maybe I'm going a little too hard, but everyone else was

killing it. I was like, ah, I kept thinking I'm Mickey Mantle. I can party and I can bring it in and I can fucking kill it the next day. And nope, I can't. I'm Lou Gehrig. I'm fucking my arms are seized up. You know, uh, Rich Franklin was on the podcast a few weeks ago when he's 30 something and we discussed the ages in that satellite Kung Lee Fort at 42. And what's his name? Destroyed his face. And like I told people, even your eyes, your reaction time slows down. Yeah. You think you can still do what you think. Why do you think these baseball players fucking disappear at 38, 39? It's over. Your fucking eyes, it's over. Your eyes a little bit. You start squinting a little bit. If I fuck around on my cell phone too much, I started getting, uh, I can't see,

I get short-sighted. Yeah. Listen, man, all those motherfuckers, how old was Willie Mays when he got traded to the Mets? He was done and he was 34. We've extended that Willie Mays was 34. We got traded. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I'm saying that I always thought when I was like, it's like 50. Yeah. When he was 50 at the end, when I was growing up, the prime of a fucking baseball player was 28 to 32. That's completely turned around. It's up to 37, 38 now that they could still swing a bat and still be productive. Whether they could hit 61 when he went to the Mets. 40 fucking ones. And what'd he do for three years on the Mets? Oh, God's. Let's see. It was horrendous. It was a, it was a nightmare. It's gotta suck to be a pro athlete and have your career

over. Like, like I look at these, I look at, I was watching, I've been watching the UFC highlights on Fox. They do like knockouts. Yeah. And you look at like someone who's, they're gone. Yeah. You're like, just done and you're done, but you're still young. Like I think about, you know, I think about like, uh, like I was like, all the, there are some guys that have flipped it right and then taken their career in fighting and then started businesses like a tape fletcher. Like he's doing the coffee. He's got the, the, every, every time I see him on, I don't even know him, but every time I see him on, uh, on Instagram, I'm like, God, it seems like he's doing it right. And then you see guys that you're just like, they're fucking

not. Yeah. It's scary with like Anderson Silva because he was doing fine. And then the last two years, just both fights, he got hurt. Yeah. But those guys, it doesn't matter. He's got millions put away. What Anderson Silva will do is people come to him and want to invest in schools. That's it. He's a franchise between $1,000 like McDonald's. Anderson Silva's kickbox in school. You sign up, you send an instructor that you train and Anderson makes four appearances a year. But wouldn't it be kind of crazy? Like, so yeah, he has the money, but let's say somebody came to you and basically said, you're too old for comedy. Your brain's not working as fast, but you can, well, we'll start selling Joe Ideas comedy books and, but you can't do it anymore.

What if they said, what, yeah, what if they said, that's a good question. What if they said, how about this? You're getting too old to tour. The kids want a younger thing. We'd like to sell your act. We'd like to, we'd like to franchise your act to younger kids and they can buy in on your act and they could do your act. Would you do that? But it must be, I like, it's like, I'm, I'm, was anyone. So the question is, I know they can't do that. George Burns was 100 and fucking 50 and I'm a Red Sox fan, but I respect Derek Jeter. He doesn't, he never wants to quit, but he's got, he has to quit this year because he like, he's too old and it was comedy. You don't age yourself out. You get better. Right. Well, hopefully, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's completely.

I mean, there's guys who age themselves out because their act is young and their act just doesn't make sense when they talk about it anymore. You know, like there's guys who, I remember when I started, there were guys and I called them like fun boy comics. They were like, they'd talk about like parties and chicks and this and, you know, it's cool. You know, it's cool. I'm, I'm, I'm, but they do that. And I remember thinking there's no texture. There's no like realness to their drink. Yeah. But did you see David Wilson this year, the running back for the giants who had to retire right before preseason because he had like too many neck injuries. He was like 23. He's younger than me. Now he has to retire.

It's one of the crazier parts about sports. What do you do, man? Going into fucking sports, especially now, let's take GSP. He was intelligent enough to say, that's it. I've got some money put away and this is how I'm going to go out. Even though I lost a fight to John, whatever, who gives a fuck? I'm just saying here, this is how he went out. And there's other guys like Chuck Liddell, they get knocked out 10 times and then realize it's time to fucking quit. You have that decision. They just gave Nogara two more fights. Why? He wants to fight two more fights and he's done one. Why, guy? Your things are too slow, but you don't see that. And I understand your question. Would you, would nobody wants to accept that they're done?

Nobody, not even fucking Mickey Rourke in the wrestler. That's what it was about. Nobody accepts that they're done. Very few go, you know what? I'm planning this. Honest to God, at 51, I didn't want to fucking be on the road. You just said the magic word, guy. You were gone a month. You have two daughters. You were gone a month. I leave next week for another month. So you have to look at what you're getting in and what's the cost that you're not seeing them. There's an effect on this and this is why I don't want the agents controlling what the fuck I do. I got to come home twice a week though. I got to come home two days a week.

I have a wife and a kid. I don't give a fuck what your show entails or what the road or the funny bone in Chicago, that's got nothing to do with me. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, come home on Sunday. I don't know what you're talking about working Sunday nights. I got two fucking daughters, you know? That's where you decide. These are all the decisions you make as a fucking comic or as a whatever, professional athlete. How much more do I want to keep striking the fuck out? I lead the league in home runs. I'm Willie fucking Maze. I'm going to go to the Mets to play what? So somewhere along the line, you're doing that for what reason? What's the reason? Ago. Money. Money. That's the only reason I worked the way I worked. You fucked up your money.

You fucked up your money somewhere and now at 50, you got to fucking catch up. I eat myself. You think Bobby Slayton wants to be on the road? No. Bobby Slayton should have been done with his fucking first show and onto fucking syndication money and now doing one week in a month in Vegas. That's the plan. That's the plan at 51, 55. Doesn't work out that way. Wendy Liebman was on America's Got Fucking Talent last week at 50 fucking something years old. Are you serious? Yeah. You know, Rocky LaPorte and Jimmy Schubert were on fucking America, you know, but we only want young comics. All right, good. That's fucking great, but this is how it works out. You know, nobody wants to hear that they're too old to do something,

but there's few people that are very smart that go, you know what? Look at me. I talk about dirty shit. Nobody wants to see an old guy talk about dirty shit on stage. They applaud it because it's that squad and it's cute and shit, but nobody wants to fucking see a guy. I know this going in, though. I'm that smart, but I know that fucking going in. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather be on a fuck. I'd rather drive to Goward and do two days on the show and go home. I don't want to be the star. I don't want to be the Joey Diaz show. I don't want nothing. I don't want top billing. Just work. I wouldn't fucking do this. I don't want to do this in two years. I got a fucking kid. I want a kid. I don't even want that kid to say like the other one. You weren't around.

And I understand. I was out there for you trying to make money. They don't understand that. Yeah. Fuck it. I'd rather eat a TV than you be gone six fucking months. That's that thing, you know, that it's just really hard for fucking. I wish I could explain to them. Yeah. Like I said, I had a conversation. I wish I could explain to Georgia that if I didn't, if we didn't have money, we'd have stress in our relationship with my man. Like if I said, if I said, I'm just like, I can't even imagine, except I'm still do the road. I still do the road. I mean, the problem is I'm trying to do, I'm doing this thing now called calling sick to work shows where I go in flying Thursday night,

do radio from eight to 10, drink on radio, then go right to the club and everyone calls and sick to work. And then we do a show Friday at 11. And then I get on a plane and I go home for the weekend. And that's great. But the problem is now I'm doing now because I have so much more extra time, now TV just starts filling it up. And you know this, I don't, I don't think it's going to be around forever. I don't think TV is going to be around forever. I'm going to give it, I'm going to, I like, I look at it and I go, I'd love to work at Travel Channel for another 20 years, but I don't know when they're going to be done with me. So I just like, Hey, fuck it, I'm going to, I'm going to work as hard as I can when they want me to work. This is Gabriel's mentality.

Yeah. It was out there, you know, the whole fucking, the whole kitten caboodle. Yeah. He'll tell you, you never fucking know. And I like to stand up. I don't know when it's going to start to fall apart. Like right now it's selling tickets, but not, I mean, not like, I'm not selling tickets like Rogan, like, you know, and then what do you do? What if, what if you have that Jeff Dunham time where you're, where you're, where the clubs don't even want you. And then all of a sudden they, then now you're Jeff, you know, I don't know, man. I get stressed about that all the time. I get stressed. I get, you know, uh, it's just amazing that they try to tell you what you can, you cannot do an age is just a fucking number. It's really a number in your

head. How you feel, you know, it is crazy too. Cause my dad worked in nightclubs and on the radio. So he was home most of the day, but he was gone at night. And then, uh, like, like it is, it is tough. Like I'll be like, Oh, he's, he's the dad who's not at the sports, sporting events. And as a kid, you feel bad. I'm not dad. I just realized when you said that, I'm not fucking dad. You feel bad as a kid a little bit, but now looking back at it, like I see, I see how hard you were starting to work. You respect them at 30, but yeah, I always thought that when I always thought that a man's job was to go out and work. That's how I was raised. A woman stays fucking home and a guy goes out and works whatever the fuck they need. Yeah, whatever the fuck they

need. 22 hours a fucking day, whatever, you know, but then again, it's, it's, it's just amazing that you can't, and I, I found out their hard way in my first marriage that you can't. That's the attitude. I just didn't want to be home. You ever fucking see people that didn't, I have a friend that for years, I go to their parties and the husband wasn't home. Kids birthday party. Oh, he's coming. He's working on a TV show. And I remember leaving there one day and my wife going, something wasn't fucking right, man. Yeah. Eight o'clock on a Sunday. And I go, that motherfucker don't want to come home. I know, man. Yeah. There's a point in the life. And sure enough, three months later, they were done. They were done. That's the check that went down

in Mexico to get the kidney from drinking too much. Oh, Jesus. Drinking too much. They couldn't give her a kidney here in the United States. She said, fuck, let's go to Mexico. She got a kidney? Yeah, she got a kidney. She's back in Ohio now. And every time she calls, she sounds drunk. But I could give a fuck. I could give a Frenchman's fuck, you know? If she's drinking on that, what can you do? You already got a new kidney. And it's Mexico. You call them on Friday. I'll have that kidney ready for you on Sunday. I wonder how hard, I wonder if I could, that sounds like a good TV show. Buying illegal, yeah. Just all the illegal illicit shit you can get anywhere. Fingers, kidneys, eyeballs and shit. Like just, like, drag a chick in the back and stab her. Yeah.

And give you like the ear and holding her ear and shit and then like sewing the ear on things. It's just amazing like the other day, I don't have a calendar for 2015. So they keep calling me with these dates. I'm in my car, you know, I'm like, yeah. And the other day, I said, hey, man, let me call them. I go, yo, give me the dates while I'm here. And he started giving me dates. I gotta get rid of that. Well, they offered you this. I go, it's three weeks in a row. Yeah, I'm doing it. I'm 51. Yeah, but I'm telling you, you don't want me to cancel the week of, do you? No. Okay, get rid of that. They had me from the first week of January, like the third week of March. And I was like, no, this is what I don't want to do. This is

when they put you out and they just burn you out. And then one day you have nothing. We've all seen it before. Yeah. That's what scares me. That's what scares me. You hear the stories too. You see them. I see them. Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg was doing great. Yeah, he was doing great when he died. He just, they put him out there without thinking. They didn't give a fuck. I'm sure the people that were handling Mitch Hedberg today know that there's a skeleton in their closet. And any day they're going to get hit with a fucking rock to their car. He got out of a rehab on a Friday and they already had him on a tour, didn't they? Yeah. Isn't that the story? They already had him on a fucking tour. They didn't

give a fuck about his money or his well-being or his family or whatever it was. And you know, he was using within two weeks after that fucking tour. Are there any agents who don't work on commission? Because when you think about it, like, let's say, I know you make more than this, but let's just say you made $1,000 a weekend. That means the agent only makes 100. So for him to make anything, he has to have 10 guys doing that. Yeah. So I understand why they put people out there. But could you call your agent and be like, listen, I'm going to give you $150,000. This is what I want. And you're going to make this no matter what. But I don't know how. No, no, no, no. You want, you want, well, you don't want that. You want your agent to,

you want that incentive for your agent to make more money. Because if you say, I'll give me $150,000, he'll be like, well, then great, I got my money. Who else can I get? You want him to be like, I remember Matt Frost when I worked with Frosty and I just had George and I was broke. I was so broke. And I remember him saying very candidly, or maybe it was Barry Katz saying it. Someone said, listen, you know, he only makes like, I was making 750 bucks a weekend featuring. He's like, for him, the amount of time he spends to be a book you featuring, he's only getting like 75 bucks. And he was like, he could do the exact same amount of work for Dane Cook and get $1,000. And that's why features and all those people I come to, I need a booking

agent. You ain't going to get a booking agent. You're making 500 a week. You're not going to get a booking agent when you're making 1200 a week. That means 10 bookings. It's $500. Let me fucking book you. How long you got to be on the phone to get 10 bookings? Yeah, that's my point. So like, I can understand why they put Mitch Hedberg out right out of rehab. Like fuck, he's gonna make me money. I don't get that point, especially when you got eight other killers in that lineup. You got eight other killers on your tent. Mitch Hedberg could have gone home for a month and rested. He had enough money. He had some deal money. Oh, no, I understand. But no, no, no, you don't understand. You don't understand. If you're my agent, you care about me.

But do they? But do they? No. Yeah, they don't. And this is what I'm saying to you. I've told them a thousand times, Ari's like fucking fanatic about it. Yeah. Ari will tell him two weeks a month. Anything after that? I'm not doing. Really? Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. I don't give a fuck. I got a little shit going on. I'm a dad. I got a podcast. I'm trying to get in shape. You know, I don't have it. I don't have it. I couldn't do a productive job. It's the law of domination returns. If I went out three, four weeks a month, I don't click without being home Monday and Wednesday, Monday through Wednesday. Just don't click for me. I don't give a fuck. Me and Lee were planning a podcast too. And I told them, it just doesn't click for me. It doesn't. I can't focus. How often

do you guys do your podcast? Mondays and Wednesdays. Yeah. Yeah. Mondays and Wednesdays. It just doesn't click for me. I can't, you know, go out every fucking, I like flying early. I like doing my shit early. You know, those shows at night, that means I cut down on my sleep. That means I'm not healthy. You know, when you're on the road, you're not fucking healthy. I'm not healthy at all. You're eating shit. Unless you force yourself to eat oatmeal. Let's start getting stomach pains. How are you going to eat oatmeal in a hotel when they got beautiful legs? You wake up in the morning, you smell the bad guy. Waffles. Waffles. Waffles. You got to eat oatmeal because if not, you got four weeks on the road. After four weeks, you'll be 30 fucking pounds heavy.

30 fucking pounds heavy. Like nothing. Yeah. Like nothing. You won't even see it come up. And there's no scales on the road. No hotel is going to scale. No. Only Vegas has a scale that is 22 pounds lighter. So you get on it. You're like, look at me. I lost weight on the road. This is bullshit. These pants, you stop putting my fucking pants in the dryer, you dumb bitch. I lost 22 fucking pounds. And all of a sudden you go down and start eating and you go back to your fucking scale. Go to a fucking scale in your house and then go to a scale in fucking Vegas. Like the house of Horace. Oh, it's a good house. Oh, you're like Slim Jim Magoo. You're like, where'd the fat go? Then you go back to your fucking dose of reality in your house. The worst

is when I go to get on a scale, every time I get on a helicopter, because they got to weigh you and you get on a scale and they're fucking accurate. And they don't let you take off your shoes and take out all the stuff out of your pockets. And I always feel fat as fuck. What's the weight limit for a helicopter? Well, it depends on how big the helicopter is. But usually like, I think based on how farther it's based on fuel and how many people they got. And we always bring equipment. So like we took a bunch of, like we went hella skiing. So you go to 10,000 feet. So you, everyone's get to everyone. You jumped out of a helicopter skiing? Yeah. Well, no, you, it lands. Okay. It lands on top of a mountain. Oh, and then you ski down the

ski down the glacier. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I got a bunch of dangerous shit coming up. Going scuba diving in Fiji. Doing this rope swing in New Zealand. Going, I go, I go skateboarding down a volcano in Hawaii and ride motorcycles through Alabama. And then I'm doing my colon six work show in Edmonton on the 10th, I think, but I'm doing it one in Edmonton with Bill Terry and Steve. I go and do radio there and then go to the club. But then I got, what else? And then, oh, and then I'm in Utah. I'm living on a houseboat and doing, we got, we fucking hired this guy. It's amazing how long it takes and how much work it takes to make 22 minutes of TV. Joe, you have no fucking idea. It takes four days for us to make. It takes five total. Six,

really, if you count in travel days, it takes, and if you count in casting days, we're talking seven days to make 22 minutes of TV. You'd think you could do it so quick. And it costs so much money, but your show must be 10 times cheaper than a scripted show. Oh, yeah. Even with all the travel, and it's just, it's crazy. We've taken up the budget a little bit trying to make it look beautiful, because we want it to look pretty. So we got like extra, we got this, this movie camera. We got a fucking drone. We've gotten so much shit to make it look cool because we're doing bad ass shit. But, and you're watching kids shoot shit on their fucking cell phones and get a million hits. Yeah. So we're like, fuck it. We're going to take it up. So this season, we've, we've just added in

like, just making sure it looks pretty. And it's amazing how far, how many seasons have you done? This is the fourth. Because you hear that utopia bombed, like beyond bombs that Fox, 50 million dollar reality show Fox tried to do. Are you serious? It got like a two point something. Got a two point something? It got killed by a rerun of Big Bang Theory and Fox put 50 million bucks into it. Fuck Fox. And they're 50 million to reality show. You know, like, it's always like somebody has to do something outrageous. Then when it fails, it's something that has been done for years for fucking $50,000 or whatever the fuck. They have to put what in? 50 million? They put 50 million into utopia today. It's just that you sit there and you say to yourself, who makes these

fucking decisions? What's eight geniuses? And they sit around with their suits and their water, and they sit there like they're fucking some God that knows everything. And there are a bunch of fucking college educated dummies. And that's what the problem is that they never take somebody from the bottom up. They never take, you know, I heard that club helium. Yeah, you know, I heard something very interesting about the owner that before he opened up the club, he hired comedians. He paid like five comedians to sit with him. He went across the country and he paid comedians to tell them what they liked and didn't like about clubs. You know, and when you go to helium, you know, when you go to helium and Philly, it's no fucking Taj Mahal. I mean, they haven't fixed

the air in 20 fucking years. But get something to eat there. Order a drink at helium. See how fast you get it. You know, order food, see how fucking fast you get it. The green room is great. I love the green room. Go to the one in Portland, order a Cuban sandwich. What do I hate more than hummus? Bad Cuban sandwiches? What do I hate more than hummus? Ranch dressing? They have a spicy red ranch dressing in Portland, Oregon, that they give you with tater tots. Must I say anymore? Spicy, spicy ranch dressing that's red. I didn't even know it was spicy ranch. You ate it? Oh, no, like this is brilliant. Yeah. And then she told me what it was and I almost swallowed my fucking tongue. Okay. I'm told, you know, they treat you right. They put you in the medium.

And this is what you do. He's smart as fuck. I'm more gross. He's he came up to me and he was talking to me. We were talking about the podcast and we were talking about about like, he'll do a weekend, the podcast. Yeah, he believes in podcasts. Go to a club and I want to do a week in the podcast. So go go. It's not going to work in my club. Really? It's like somebody fucking. Let's talk about it. Mrs. Pat's manager told her not to do a podcast because what? So this is what I'm talking about how management and agencies and sometimes who's Mrs. Pat's manager? Some fucking dude. And maybe but this is just to let you know that what goes on in comedy, like when people get involved, like I have a friend that's really fucking talented. And I used to catch him on the phone

with his managers and he'd be going over material. And I'd ask him, what the fuck are you doing? Well, if you want to build a show, you got to have a certain type of material. That guy's a fucking jerk off. That guy's a hard time writing a letter to his mother. And you're going to ask him how to write a fucking joke. But it's kind of sad that a lot of times those people will succeed. And yeah, the reality shows or the show might fail, but they don't get fired. I can't believe how many people probably don't get fired. Listen, 50 million, you're getting fucking fired without one problem. You're getting fucking fired. Okay, 50 fucking million dollars. You sat there with your stupid suit and your white teeth and your suntan and told me how it was going to fucking

work. Okay. And it didn't. What the fuck do you have to say? Yeah, well, that one, yeah, but most people like the I was driving down be a fucking writer and come up with a shooter pilot for a network and the show gets canceled at the four times. When will they see that writer again? The next day, you think he's going to have they're going to see the next day, you fall in all fucking grace. No, that's true. But I was driving down sunset and that girl from willing grace has a new TV show. Debra Messing that I'm sure she's a very nice lady. I'm sure everyone working on it's very nice, but that show looks terrible. And then they have a TV show coming out called like blackish on ABC or CBS. Debra Messing had a show on for seven years that between her and Joe

Diaz, whether she's not funny or or this fucking mud over here is that it's a proven winner for seven years. Why do you think they keep putting VIP on how much how many more shows they're going to give that fucking lady from Seinfeld? How many more fucking shows they're going to give that fucking lady? How many more? A thousand. Okay, then, but when they go with Burke Christia, who's funny than hell, and they're like, let's put let's put Burke Christia on. Well, no, she's had a successful and you said they're going Seinfeld was 15 fucking years ago. It doesn't matter. Right. They're going to keep giving her shows and the dick will be on TV even though he takes his dick out 80 times. But this kid's a nice kid. He don't do fucking drugs.

He's got a nice family, nice wife, funny self tickets. Would HBO give him a special? Would they even consider it? No, no, no. They give Rob Klein a special and they give the guy that gets arrested 80 times. That doesn't give a fuck about society. I'm a fan of cats, but you cannot put your logic to it. You know, they gave Dane Cook one, but this Bill Burr is a great comic. How come they didn't give Bill Burr a special? No, they'll give some old fucking comic from 20 fucking years ago, especially Rob Klein. They need to sell it. They need to sell it up the ladder too. So they can't just come in and go, Burr, it's funny. They need someone where their boss goes, who's Burr? I've never heard of him. I'm the head of comedy development. If I've never heard of Burr, then

you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No, and that's why I'm kind of happy. I'm out of working in television. They have hold. I worked at one production company that had a development department that I must have worked on 50 sizzle wheels. Not one of them ever made it to TV. It took them four years to get something made and it's just, and these people are making, like I was making 10 bucks an hour and these people are making 120 grand a year rolling in in their morning and there's in their Mercedes and they haven't and they haven't done anything. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. But then you run into exacts that do know what they're fucking doing. Oh, no, there's definitely some of them. When you run into ones that you

do know what you're doing, you'll do fucking and you'll jump through. Well, they've been in the business for 30 years. Yeah, they started on a show as a writer. They knew something. They moved them up. They were somewhere, you know, they know the business backwards and frontwards. You know, I know comedy backwards and frontwards. I could open up a comedy club and stop this shit on the road and do great with it because we know the fucking business. My calling is comedy. What if I could? Yeah, my calling is comedy. But you think about how come Tim Allen hasn't opened up a chain of comedy clubs like fucking Roseanne Bar. It would be the easy fucking thing to put the improvs out of business. Any top comedian, Dan Cook could lock up the fucking improvs tomorrow

if you want. But at what point, like at what point do you, since you've been in it a while, do you have more knowledge? But at a certain point, it seems like you get stuck in your own in the old ways. And that's when new people, new things don't happen. Like it seems like at a certain point, it goes from you have a lot of experience and then you're just stubborn and nothing changes. Like it's like a weird transition. You know, if anything about me that I'm not stubborn, I know that I give everything a shot. There's a certain era of comics, the ones before like Rogan, like Angel, Bobby Slayton, Wendy Lehman, Felicia, they're a grapple above us. I've always found that those older guys like none of them have podcasts. Angel's name have a Twitter page.

You know, they do things, you know, the way they do things. Ralphie does things the way he does things. I argue Ralphie all the time. He does, we all have ways, but you have to listen and some way you have to, there's a pattern. And you learn from other comics what they do and fail with. But what might fail for Bert might work for me, what might fail for me might work for Bert. So you live and learn from experience. You know, how many times have you said something to me and I've hit you with an answer already thought out and you're like, how'd you know that? I've been doing this for 20 fucking years. We had a friend that used to want to replace podcasts or videos. And I used to say all the time, the videos aren't going to work. And against me,

she'd always make fucking videos and they'd get 130 fucking hits. The three hours you put into that video, one hour, you could have been writing a fucking joke and gotten more mileage off that fucking joke. There's just little things that you just fucking know, because you've done them a thousand fucking times. You know, I'll take a comic that's been doing comedy for two years and say, look, don't go nowhere where you ain't supposed to be. Every comic has heard that line. Guess what? Bert don't know what he's talking about. I'm going out of the end problem. I'm gonna do 10 minutes. And then I bomb. He told you that for a fucking reason. I've been doing this for so long, when a comic is telling me something, I already know the outcome before they're telling me.

They're telling me their story and I already know what the fuck happened. I already know what happened, how it happened. But he called me, listen, they didn't call you. They didn't call you. But you don't want to call them out. You don't want to argue with nobody. You hear their story, you tell them whatever. But I know before you're telling me the move, what you did. You know, comics have a weird thing that once we do well at the two year mark, who calls you ahead? Have you ever heard of Joey Diaz? You will now, fuck you. You know, you go to the comedy store, let's say you do a showcase with Bert. It's very hard for me to go with Bert. Take a look at my set, tell me what you think. Don't ask me that. Don't fucking ask me to tell

you what to think of my set. I would never ask you to take a look at my set, tell me what you think, because what's the difference? You know what I'm saying? But if you're gonna put me in that position, and then you're gonna tell me my job, then you're gonna say to me, well, what'd you think? Oh, it was pretty funny. In your mind, you know, he's a four. Yeah, he's a glorified fucking MC. He's not even a feature yet. Then he tells you, I got a sister that lives in LA. Maybe I'll go out there and do spots at the comedy store, whatever. You try to look at them and go, do me a favor. Stay out of the comedy store, the improv and the lab factor. Go to this guy's room, go to this guy's room, they're out of the loop, get a taste of what LA is. I want you to go to

the comedy store and see what it's like. Yeah. And that's it. Guess what this guy's gonna do? He's gonna go to the lab factory, and he's gonna go up to Jamie's son and say, I'm from Chicago, we share, I'm from Jersey. I just killed the other night. Let me do some time. And Jamie's gonna say, okay, go up there and do seven minutes. And this moron. Right after Dom Marrera. Right after Dom Marrera. And this moron who's been doing comedy for two years, who's got 18 minutes of material, 14 of it about his local area. You know what I'm saying? So if he's from Indiana, he's got 14 minutes of Indiana. And without knowing, he's gonna go up there and throw that Indiana joke. And he's gonna throw two other jokes and bomb. Then he's gonna call you a week later and go,

I was at the lab factory and Jamie recognized me. You know, and he told me to go up on stage and how'd you do your bomb. Now, next time you call Jamie, he's not gonna put you, you remember your bomb. You went somewhere you did not belong. Did you learn that from doing it yourself? Absolutely. Yeah, we all did it. Yeah, we all went somewhere we want to, for me, it was the, the truth. Yeah. 20 years ago, comedy used to have the, what's the whiskey company? Seagrams? Doers? No. Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker did the biggest comedy competition in this country. Alcohol companies, then Bex. I was the winner of the Rocky Mountain Area Bex Amateur Comedy Competition. And then one of my friends went to the judges and said, he made $5 two years ago

with me. I swear to God, I never tell you that. My second gig was a $5 gig for gas for the Denver Broncos. I got on stage on a Tuesday and they offered me a Wednesday, the following week. Hey, what are you doing next Wednesday? You want to do a comedy show for the Denver Broncos? It doesn't pay. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah. That's some guy that got $8,000 and gave me $5 for gas. So he gave three of us $5. We each did five minutes, all of us bond. He gave us $5. And when I won the Bex Comedy Competition, like an hour after they gave me the check, one of the judges came up to me and said, did you take $5 for a gig? Because if you did, you're not really an amateur. I go, are you fucking serious? But anyway, not to get away from that. Really? One of the big

comedy competitions in this country was the Johnny Walker Comedy Contest. They did four regions and they put everybody up against each other. Well, they came to Denver and I fucking said, fuck this shit. This is way before material, the class I took and I went down and stood online and got the number and waited around and I went up there and did three minutes guys and you have no fucking idea how bad it was. You have no fucking idea how bad it was. But the guy that was one of the judges was the Booker for three clubs in Denver. So guess what happened? You got booked. No, you didn't get booked in. Oh, he fucking hated you. Yeah. After everybody told me, don't go down until you have some time on the bell because that guy's a scumbag. He's dead now, but

so. So as part of you think, maybe you shouldn't tell people not to go down there because they have to learn that lesson. They have to learn it on their own. They have to go up in front of someone and people do it all the time. They go to the comedy store, go up in front of Mitzi Shaw Bond, and then you can't go back up in front of them. If you're not ready, that's why I tell people, I'm going to know where you don't belong. Well, I'm networking. You're networking on stage. When you go on stage and you kill, that's the number one network you can have. LA, that's a big LA. That'll get out like fucking like herpes. That'll get out like if you kill on stage. That's the number one thing that gets out. Everything else is background music. You go

to the improv and drink every night and shake everybody's hand. Who's that? Dude, there's a lot of those guys that you just sit around and you're like, I know it. Is that kind of comic or an agent? We did a gig one time in Buffalo, man. Hey, who do I talk to for a spot here? What are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about? Do you think it's still possible? Like, like you said, so a comic comes here and is killing on stage, but let's say he doesn't know the right agent. Let's say he doesn't have the best website or Twitter page. Can he, could he still rise up or do you still... He doesn't even need none of that shit. Funny is funny, though. You still think it would work? And the word will get out. And somebody, because the comics

will give you love. The word or you don't need none of that shit. That shit's all bullshit. That shit could come with it. I'm talking when you're focusing on stand-up. If I'm getting into stand-up today, I shouldn't even have a fucking Twitter page. Yeah, if you're a young stand-up, you shouldn't have a Twitter page. I shouldn't have a Twitter page. Nothing. Nothing. Get off it. You're just going to fuck yourself. Get off it. Focus on the important thing. Getting funny. Then get the social network. Then you get your Twitter and your Instagram and you're jerking off with your buddies. But for right now, take, what did he say in the apocalypse now? What's he fucking say? I'm sitting in this hotel room by Charlie Squat in the bush.

Every time Squat in the bush, he gets fucking strong. I get weaker sitting in this fucking hotel room. So when you're in your room figuring out 140 characters, some fucking kid with no life, a day job, losing home with his mother is on stage. And he's doing this every night. He's got his mother's car. Meanwhile, you're thinking about doing, he's doing. You've got to be obsessed with it. You've got to be obsessed with it. And with comedy, the first 90 days got to be out every night. There's no girlfriend. There's no my feet hurt. I miss that shit. Yeah, there's no, that's when you go out with a group of guys. I should swing by the Ha Ha Cafe tonight and try to do a set. Ha Ha Cafe, is that what it's called?

Yeah. What's his name? I've never done that. I've never done it there. Yeah, go down there and say hello. I feel like I should do it. But it's really amazing how I know, I know when I talk to a guy that just gets here, what he's going to do by what he's telling me, by what they're telling me and what they, dude, morons love to talk. They love to fucking just tell you all the things they got going on. Like, you know what? Someone said to me the other day, I said to me yesterday, he's like, so what's got going on? And I was literally like, I said to myself, I could do two things. I can tell him or just say nothing and make him feel good about himself.

And I feel good about myself. And I just go, nothing, man, what's working? Trying to get by. Because that is what I'm doing. Like if my dad said, what do you got going on? I'd say, nothing. Even though I do have stuff going on, that's not important. Yeah. What do you think of it? Because I don't know if you've noticed. Every once in a while, I just look at the comedy charts on iTunes just to see where the podcasts are and everything. If you've noticed, there's a lot at the top right now of like Vine and YouTube stars. So like, what do you, how, what, what it, couldn't that be like when you like stand up or on like comedy podcasts? So like, like, what is it like when they bring in, like there's Bob Burnham who

made it from YouTube and as a YouTube star that they bring out, but there must be hundreds of them who got brought out because they have a lot of views and agents are think they're great, but then they can't, they can't handle it. You could funk them. You could funk, you could fake the funk for a little while. You could fake the funk for a little while and then you can't fucking fake it. I can't even think of the names that fake the funk, but you know who they are. Or you're like, yeah, whatever happened to that guy. They just stop, they give up, man. They don't have like, they don't have the passion. There's a lot of guys that you see that are, you know, Vine sensations or, or, or, or there's a guy that I had on my podcast, Ry Dune. Yeah. Really nice

guy. And I told him, I said, you can keep doing Vine, but you got to get on stage. If you want to be a comic, you got to, your comedy's got to be better than your Vines. And they were already headlining on my solo because I look at Vines that some of them are funny and they have this thing going around or where they have meetup events that cost like over a hundred dollars a ticket for little girls to go see. And they go when they jump around on stage at 17 and they're making thousands of dollars or that Ry Dune. I listened to that podcast. He said he'd only been doing comedy a few years and he was already headlining shows at the improv because he has 5 million. But that's his path. That's, I mean, that's his path. He's got a deal. He's got a deal and I'm not saying anything

bad about Ry Dune, but he's got to deal with what's going to happen is the day he gets on the theater show and, and he's booked with Louis CK and he's been only doing it five years. That's his stress. That's not your stress. That's not my stress. And, and I don't begrudge him at all. I want him, I wish him the best of luck. But I, dude, I was, I'll put it from me in my perspective is that I got put into the industry very quickly. And I got, I got a sitcom. I got a T, I got a sitcom deal with Will Smith first, my first six months doing a standup. My second year, I got a sitcom deal at CBS and then I got a TV show. And I remember telling Patrice O'Neill at a table in Scotland, like I was like, I got, I got shit made. And Patrice was like, no, he was like, I feel bad

for you because you think you do, but when that goes away, you'll have nothing. And he's like, until the day where you have a foundation of work where you can fall back on that and you can go, well, if this shit goes away, at least I can make four grand a week on the road. And I remember thinking he was out of his fucking mind, but let me tell you something. When that shit fucking went away, I had nothing. I hadn't, I hadn't fucking gotten into the clubs in LA. I hadn't done anything on the road. And I had to start all over hosting, hosting. I had two fucking TV shows, and I had to go back and host at the improv. And luckily I was funny because I had been, I, because I had done stand up, but I had to host, and I was hosting for Drew Carey. He'd do Thursday nights there.

I went out and hosted on the road. Like that's fucking, and, and, and hopefully Raidun will never have to do any of that shit. But if he does, that's his path. And that's, he's got to deal with that shit. Do you almost wish that, do you ever look back and be like, well, I wish maybe I didn't get those deals, even though it was a lot of money? No, I would have never, I would have given up, I would have given up. Really? I don't have the fucking constitution that Ari has. I listened to Ari's podcast where he talked about his failures. Let me tell you something, man. I'm really lucky that I never fucking tried, went by the comedy store. Mitzi Shore would have broken my spirit. I'm very fragile with, not, not now, but when I first started, I took advice from anybody.

Like if, if you gave me advice, I took it to heart. I literally, and if Mitzi had said, you're not funny, I would have been like, I guess I'm not funny. I would have never, I remember I had a girlfriend that I dated for like five years and then she, we were laying in bed one morning and I said, I told her, we're in college. I said, I want to be a stand-up comedian. She goes, oh honey, you're not like funny, funny. You're like frat boy, stupid, funny. And I didn't tell anyone I wanted to be a comic again for fucking two years. I didn't say, people would say you're funny. I'm like, nah, that's not me. I mean, like, Mitzi would have broken me. I listened to Ari's podcast where he kind of broke down.

Because Joey, you got passed pretty quickly. Not that you're not funny, but you got passed within a week or so, right? Yeah. And Ari said he got, he had to do that like 35 times, he said. Like, do you ever think about like, like if you had done that, do you think you would have stayed in LA? That was, but that was the only thing I did get. Okay. Do you follow me? When most people get here, they get on stage three or four times, three yard sign zone, they get an agent, they go to fucking Montreal. I didn't get that. I got to town January 27th. I got on stage the first night, the comedy store the next night, the laugh factory, Jamie told me not to come back. He goes, you're a nightclub comic. This is the sunset strip,

buddy, you're wasting your time. You know what Jamie told me? You go long, which is such a weird fucking thing to say. I never went long, but he goes, you go long, buddy. And I go, I didn't make no sense. And so then I got fucking horrible advice from a fucking moron. And I followed that advice. And then this fucking guy, I won't say his name because it'll sound like I'm shitting on him. He was like, you know what you need to do? You need to buy Jamie some weed and go get high with him. So I didn't find fucking thought this guy knew everything. So I got a fucking bag of weed and I came over to the fucking laugh factory and I went upstairs with Jamie and we got high. And I was like, I remember sitting there thinking, I am so fucking out of integrity right now.

Because this is not who I am. And this is not what I want to be doing with my life. I don't care if Jamie likes me. I remember sitting in that little fucking creepy, that Persian office upstairs, and I would be like, I don't want to be here. I don't even like Jamie. Like I remember going like, I don't, I don't even like this guy. Like, and I'm, what am I going to be his friend? I'm only his friend so I can get work. And I was like, and I don't even like working in this club. I didn't like the comics working that club at the time. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? And I literally walked out. I went, I left and I was like, all right, I'm just going to focus on the improv because they were giving me hosting gigs. And that was like an ego thing in LA was

to just host. So I started hosting at the improv. And thank God. Well, wasn't Jamie, and I'm not shitting on him, but I'm not shitting on either. I've heard on podcasts. Wasn't he a dishwasher at the store? I don't know what he was. And now we went to club and can tell people if they're funny or not. Well, that's what it was. And he told me the second night I wasn't funny. So I was, I was heartbroken. But what are you going to do? What are you gonna fucking do? All right, I won't go to laugh at you. That's right. Yeah. I guess I go along. I guess I won't go here anymore. I set up something at the at the fucking comedy store. And I did the showcase and she told me come back next week and do seven. And I came back next week and she passed me.

I was a regular there. And then I went to the improv and the guy there was a drunk but a sweetheart of a guy. And he used to sit in the window. Older guy. He was there for years. He used to sit in the window one night. There was Latin night on Sunday nights. This is 1997. Oh, yeah, I'm around that off and he came downstairs and he goes, I want you to be a regular. So I was a regular two of the three clubs and I was satisfied with that. I was very satisfied with that. But Mitzi always loved me for who I was. A character and she always gave me a bunch of spots. But that's where it ended. People around me were getting deals at the comedy store. People around me were signing with ICM and three arts and CAA and fucking Gersh. And I wasn't getting none of that love. So we all have

our different heartaches. You know, I never went to fucking Montreal. I never got a fucking deal. I don't like that shit. I don't know what none of that shit is. I don't even know what none of that shit is. So yeah, I got discouraged. You know, Christmas day, I got up the December 18th of 2003. I had read with Travolta. I read with Dave DeVito. They told me to come back tomorrow at 11 o'clock. Gonna read for the director. It was 1030. I went in the shower. When I came out, there was a message. I picked up and I said, director, hide somebody last night in New York. You know, you didn't get the fucking job. That movie undefeated, undisputed, with Wesley Snipes and Ving Reims, where they fight in the fucking prison. And Mike Tyson's story when he went to

prison. He had to fight that guy. I was up for that fucking. They came to see me at the Laugh Factory. Fucking the director of that movie, directed Warriors, came to the fucking Laugh Factory on the Monday night. Didn't get that job. Then Travolta see me again for another movie. He was gonna play Jimmy Roselli. Monday morning, 10 o'clock, I go to the fucking call back. It's me and Mike and Molly. Billy Gardell. And we're both there to read. They were gonna give us both the role. They liked us so much. Jimmy Roselli hung out with stand-up comics. They would drive into gigs. They would sing. And he would do two. Jimmy Roselli was a singer, Italian singer from Hoboken. That's Sinatra Blackbolt. He didn't sing at Sinatra's mother's

birthday party. So Sinatra said, you're done. So the guy had to sell albums out of his fucking trunk. Anybody who fucking, anybody who hired him as a gig, Sinatra would send fucking the mob to burn the fucking place down. Travolta was gonna do it. Ready to go. We both had the role. They canned the movie. Travolta did the movie about space with fucking Scientology. With the things coming out of his fucking head. We all have heartaches, guys. Every comedian has fucking heartaches. And it's how you take them. You know, you could sit there for 30 days with the thing, go to the comic store, what's up. I could have got to Travolta movie. I didn't get it. Or you could just brush yourself off, do a fucking grandma blow, and you come back tomorrow. That's it.

The problem, the problem is, this is the problem that arises in that is you become so resilient as a comic that you are almost more comfortable in failure than you are success. Like I know for a fact, like I got so good at getting things not picked up that once something got picked up I was like, well fuck, now I'm really uncomfortable. Now I feel like I don't have a footing. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. Like I loved, I love, I love failure. Like failure was fun, you know? Get fucking, all the clubs loved you, but you just bailed fucking bad audition after bad audition. Then when you get it, you're like, well shit, I was good that one time. I don't know if I can do it again. I forgot this is live right now. And someone just tweeted me, Waterboxer

tweeted me. And I was like, I was like, that's so fucking odd that he would say that and I just said that. It's Lee didn't look at it. I didn't think you need the other half of that. Yeah, he's not. I'm a milligram baby. No, it's not a baby. No, I told the baby. Why are you throwing me under the bus? Because you're here. It's so weird that whenever somebody would call me and say, no, you know, you know, you didn't get this role or you're not going to Montreal. Well, this agent doesn't want to sign you. And those things that I always said, well, I just got to know, but I'm closer to my yes. This is like same thing as a heartbeat. You have a certain amount of nose you have to get through.

Yeah. So I'm closer to my yes. Every time I get to know, I'm closer to my yes. And I got a great way to look at that. I got that from selling cars. I got that from telemarketing. You know, every call you make and the answer is one less call. That's it. Eventually. And you don't like I said, didn't I say the other day, the more things you do in this time, the more opportunities you go to meetings and this and that. Eventually, you're going to get some. It's hopefully it's something big. Sometimes it's a hundred dollar a day movie. Sometimes it's a costar. Sometimes it's a home run out of a fucking park. Well, how do you? And then because a lot of times you've talked to me and you talk about it on the podcast that sometimes now you say no to things.

But if some things you might not, if you were just saying sometimes you have to go to things because you never know when it's going to be yes, when it's going to be a home run, how do you make the decision to say no? Or do you ever worry about it? Or have you ever had something you said no to blow up? Because it seems like you would have to. I said, I say no to things from experience. I'm saying yes and having my nose wide open. When you first come to this town, you do everything. People call you up. I got a spot in Chino Sunday, 10 o'clock. Okay. And then you realize Chino was fucking three hours away and you got a spot to store. You know, for years when I started booking, I was infatuated with auditions. Once I started booking, oh my God,

I was infatuated. I'd get up on the morning and go on breakdowns.com. Then I'd go on showfax.com. And then I'd go on actors access. And I'd submit myself and from five to seven, I wouldn't take a personal call. I would just fucking leave it off the fucking computer before you know that. I wouldn't, I wouldn't take a personal call. I would just wait there for breakdowns because I didn't want to be on the phone with Lee and my agent call. Fuck that shit. Yeah. And I mean, I was going for everything. I wouldn't have everything. I didn't give a fuck. Co-stars, guest stars. I didn't give a fuck. And then I realized one day, what's the point? You can't live your life with your nose open like a fucking gavone. You can't do everything.

You know, and now I'd say no to things from experience. If you corner with a $100 day movie, Joey, it's a great role for you. You're a strip club owner and 20 chicks suck your dick. That's great. But strip club owner, it's a $100 day movie. That means I'm going to have to go somewhere after the place is closed. So I'm up to shoot this from four to seven. So because of your $100, I lose a whole fucking datamon because I got to sleep after all that. And trust me, once you agree to a $100 day movie, you will have an audition at 1130 or a tremendous meeting at Fox or CBS at 1230 because you took that $100 day meeting. Number two, you got to wear your own suit. So there's all these variables that you know from doing it. For years, my dick didn't get

hard when I had to work. My dick got hard when I booked the job. When I go to an audition, I see three known actors. That's a great statement. I like booking something that more than doing it. You have no idea. When I go for an audition, I see three actors that are known and I'm a fucking fat fucking ex-felon comic. I go out of my way to book that because I want to prove these fucking guys that went to Juilliard. And you know, oh my God, when I get into character, I can feel the character the fuck out of my face. Go fuck yourself. You know, the way he wrote the character is his penchant for the love. What the fuck are you talking about? If you could breathe into a cup and fog it, you could act. Okay. So you're saying you need to get into the character for the Marin

show? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You got to get into the character and this kind of slavki. What the fuck fog it, you can act. You can fucking act. You know, and they make a big deal on the way Angelina Jolie did that. Listen, either Angelina Jolie be acting or she'd be sucking dick. There's not much she could fucking do. We don't take a genius to fucking tell you that. What else is she gonna do? Well, she's directing now. Yeah, she's a fucking great director. Yeah, keep buying that shit. She goes and there's three guys behind her that she looks at the shot. What do you think? Okay, yeah, she's directing. She's a fucking idiot. And I like her. I'm a fan. I'm not saying this, but what I'm, you see what I'm saying? They make a fucking big deal. Like, oh my God, the acting, you know, Ray Lioda,

do you know Ray Lioda? No, then how do you know how was he was acting? Most of these guys at one Academy Award for the role, the role was fucking written. It's them. It's them. That's why they fight for it. When Sinatra went out for fucking that move when they cut the horses fucking head off and they got father. Yeah, that movie was him from here in eternity. That role was him. You know, when a role when I fucking sent the tape in for big Tony, it was me. It was me. They wrote it for me. All I had to do was the job was mine to lose. You follow me? I used to go and there's so many times I go into when I went in for fucking the mentalist. I wanted the mentalist as a social activity. It was like something to do on a Tuesday. We're fucking water brothers, get some sun on the

line, get a free soda. I bumped into 20 people and I booked the job. You think I want to fucking shoot a movie, a TV show? You guys just said it. I got to spend three days there for 22 minutes of TV, listen to a bunch of asshole writers, you know, tell you what's funny and what's not. You didn't say the word though. Who gives a fuck? Gives a fuck. I made it funny. Isn't that fucking better for you? People fucking laugh. That shit you made me say is fucking garbage. When you get an audition and I'd always improv it, I'd always make it mine. And then they'd be like, well, why didn't you read it the way we wrote it on the page? Because it sucks. Yeah, I felt like, well, because you've never proven yourself. Yeah, you've never proven yourself on stage. You've never made people laugh. It is

so difficult to write something and make people laugh. I say that from experience. I've written like a bunch of shorts and shot them to write something that seems really funny on the page, but then make it and make it funny. There's only a handful of comics. There's only a handful of humans who can do that. Will Ferrell, it's amazing how talented he is because he can make something that he finds funny on the page hilarious in real life. Like that's so fucking hard to take something on the page and make it work. I give my hat off to anyone, but there's a lot of guys who have never done it who claim that because they've been, they were a writer's assistant for Judd Apatow, and then they got put into the system and they have a deal and it's a mid six figure deal

that they know what they're doing. They don't as much as I don't. Like no one knows it. It's like the fucking fox, like the fox debacle with the utopia show. Let me tell you something. Everyone in that room thought that was going to be a fucking hit. It is so hard to predict not only what people will find funny, but what people will pay to go see. I can't, I could never fucking do that. All I know how to do is I can have an idea that I think's funny and I can make it funny on stage. That's all I can do. That's fucking it and I can take a good meeting. That's it. I can't do, I can't like, I can't, I can't write something, me write it, and then someone go, oh, that's fucking amazing. Well, then it's kind of weird when you hear about,

oh, this guy had someone have had people write his stand up for him. Like how, how can, how can he even help? Like if there's just writers who aren't getting up on stage, it must be kind of hard. But I'll tell you what, it does help. It helps in this, in this situation. You, me, and Bert started together in, let's say, Ohio, Columbus. We started together. Okay. If you get three guys that start together and we moved out here together, you were pretty good feature act. I was featuring, Bert was co-headline. Bert got a deal, me and Bert lived together from Columbus. You come out. Once you come out, it doesn't mean that you're going to stick with this fucking thing. You might go into a different aspect of it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you might go into writing,

which is the natural evolution for us. Write a room. It's the natural thing, whether you're, you know, one day you realize you don't want to make people fucking lie. I don't even know what my train of fucking thought it was. You told me before where a comic will say, come with me to all the clubs and help me out. Right. So, but the beauty of it is, like years ago, when Chris Rock did two of those specials that were brilliant, three of those specials, we've discussed this before. And in my world, I do the same thing. There's a lot of comics that have an ego that they wouldn't do this. If I went to HBO tomorrow and HBO said, Joe, we're going to give you an hour special. We're going to give you $300,000. We're going to give you 150,000 advance. I'm going to keep

50,000, but I'm going to give two of my friends, three of my friends, 30 grand. Good friends. I'm going to go up to Bert and say, Bert, what are you doing next month? Well, I'm doing the Columbus funny bone. No, you're not. I'm going to give you 30 grand. Cancel your home next month is with me because I know Bert knows me well enough that he'll say to me from time to time, I have a friend that this happens with. And from time to time, he'll call me and say, I wrote a joke, but I was thinking of you when I wrote it. And it's your joke. Let me tell you, and it's, I can't say this joke on stage, but he knows me that well. And so do you. Chris Rock did the brilliant thing. I don't know what they gave him, but he used to pay Louis CK,

Richard Jenny and Nick DiBallo. That's as good as it gets. That's three different styles of comedy plus his. So everybody at the end of that special had to contribute 15 minutes. Chris delivered 15 minutes. Nick DiBallo gave 15. You can't lose. Yeah, especially with those guys, especially with those guys. Did they write it for you? No, I went up there and talked about sleeping in my bed, peeing in my bed. You made it better. You're Nick DiBallo. You could really make that joke. That's the thing about you that I've always said is that you say things that would get lost in the shuffle. It would work for you. I don't think anyone, I would never try to write for you, but there are things that you say constantly where I'm like, God damn it. If I had said that,

I would be using that my act. And that's what I think. And someone to allow you to simply not exhaust, but elaborate and tell the whole story to this day. And I know you did not mean for it to be as funny as it was the first time you said it to me. But this statement, you go, if you think black people are loud movie theaters, you should hear them in prison. When you first said that, I was obsessed with that. I was obsessed with that because I was like, that's the greatest premise I've ever heard. Because you have to have been there to know that premise. I have a joke that I used to tell. It never really worked, but it was a, if you ever take a dump on the hood of your ex-girlfriend's car, you got to take your pants off all the way. But you have to do that in

order to know that you need to do that. Because what happens is when you shit, you also piss. So if your pants are on your knees, you're going to piss in your pants. It happened to me. So you need, that's like a joke you have to have done to do it. And I love those jokes because they're so fucking, there's so many bumps on them. They're like a, they're like a, like a geode. You know what a geode is with all the crystals and you get lost in it. And it's like that rock that's cut in half and it's all the purple crystals inside. And you get lost because you don't know where to look anymore because it's real. That's what that joke is. And when you said that, I was obsessed. I made you say it like four times around me, every time, like on a new podcast or on, and cause,

cause every time it got better and better and better. And, but that's one of the things that I think about you that I go, you, you'd like, I remember you saying one time, like, you were like, you were like, dog, when we were talking about Priscilla and you're like, I'm really good around dogs. So when I first got to the country, I got attacked four times the first week and you said, what dog walked past me and came back to bite me? Like, he's like, no, I didn't see you. And it's a, but like stuff like that is so fucking real. But like you'd, you, I think it gets lost in you. Like, I don't think that's not something that you write down. Joey, the funniest part of Joey's acting because I see him pretty regularly. The funniest bit, and you can hear me laugh,

I think during the thing is throw away lines that most of the audience doesn't hear because they're laughing. It's like just lines that make you crack up. It's my favorite part of the show. And you'll never say it again on stage, but it's just like one little throw away line. And, and they're all too busy. They're all too busy laughing or not paying attention. But if you see you more than once that you have those lines and it's the best part of the show, you know, when I said that to Bert, I thought about that for three months because I don't know where that came from. That must have been somewhere hidden in my psyche that was dying to get out from 1988. That was a statement from 1988. I never said nothing to nobody. I never even thought of it till we discussed it,

till we were talking about black movie theaters. And I'm like, that ain't nothing compared to like that summer. Those three days or four days I spent in, it's where you first go diagnostic. That when you go to prison and when you get sent to prison, like the judge says, all right, four years, community credit or anything to say, I want to thank my family and God and then they put you in the back. They take it to the back, they take your suit, they process you and then you wait to go to the diagnostic. And I went to diagnostic. So this is basically the first place you go to. So you don't know what to expect. So you basically, you sleep but not really you sleep with one eye open. And you can't sleep even if you wanted to, because the black people will not

shut the fuck up. But it's a conversation that's not like you and I right now like, hey, Lee, how are you? No. Yo, Lee, what's up? You know, these motherfuckers trying to give me eight more fucking years. It ain't my type of case. It's us. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This was a hundred yard conversation. So you're a hundred yards from me and I'm a hundred yards from me. And we're going to have this fucking conversation. A hundred yard conversation. Yeah. Yo, Lee, what's up? What's up? Lee, nothing. You know, I'm up here. I'll be doing what I told you, you know, the phone. What's Bert? Bert's over here. What up, Bert? What up, nigga? What up, Bert? And it goes back. What up, Bert? I don't know, nigga. What's up with you? You know me doing my time. These motherfucking

Peckerwoods trying to take my shit. Peckerwoods are white people. You know, Peckerwoods, motherfucking, these Mexican and this goes on like they're the only ones in the room. But first they're talking loud and I'm sitting in my cell like wanting to say, shut the fuck up. But it wouldn't have helped. It wouldn't have helped. So you just close your eyes and pray that they'll shut up. They didn't shut up one fucking time. No, I had never seen anything like that. And guess what? They didn't shut up for the whole five fucking days I was there. I don't think they shut the fuck up. What the beautiful thing about that is that you're telling, it's I love when you tell, I love when you tell your experience because your experience is no one can replicate that.

There's no comic out there that has that fucking bit. There's no comic that talks about the shit you talk about. Like I mean, and there's very few comics that went like, and myself included, I'm not in this group. Like when I tell a story, I think you think of me, like even if I tell about me as a kid, you still picture me as this. When you tell the story about you getting attacked by dogs, I picture you as that little kid with the vest on. Like I picture that kid that like Joey Manorisms in a little kid with like a fro when he goes, Oh, fuck another dog. Like I can picture you. And there's there's something that you cannot write in that like there's no one, no comics writing that material, because it's so fucking real. Tom Tom Young, Tom Young, Mike Young, Mike Young,

Mike, I went to high school with Tom Young. Mike Young had a joke about it was very real and I loved it. It was about it was about doing bad shit. And when he was a kid, and he's like, you remember you guys that one friend that would always like want to do something real bad, you'd be like, Hey guys, let's all you guys want to go TP brand brand this house. He's like, Yeah, and then let's kidnap her fat dad. It's so great because I can see that person in the story saying that and I can see Mike hanging out with that guy. Like I love those kind of jokes. I love the fucking the I'm obsessed with small detail. We were talking about this, I think at the beginning. But I love the small detail in the story, because the small detail takes you into the moment.

Like I get obsessed with a little too much. And I like when I get bored telling the machine story, I start dipping into small details about that evening that that maybe people don't care about. But I feel like it adds texture. I have a story about the I don't know. I told her on Rogan's podcast and I started telling on the stage about this time I went to a hotel room and it's called Nox scratch. Yeah, you've heard the story, right? Yeah. Okay, so but when I tell it, I remember one time I told it and I said the kid I had four bags and I check in. I check into the hotel and the kid that grabs the bags is a tall skinny black kid and someone in the white lady goes, Why does he have to be black? And I went because he fucking was. I go,

fuck you. Don't make me inoculate my story so that it doesn't offend your sensibility. He was and the fact that he was makes this story better because now we have positions in society that we are interacting within and those positions define our behaviors and our reactions. And when I go to say them at the end and I go to give them a tip because you don't need to just knock scratch, that is important because now I've made a young skinny tall black kid laugh and now I feel like I'm winning the game of life. It's funny how like when you said you, when you, you can picture Joey in the stories as a little kid, I don't, I picture every story he looks like he does now just because I can't, I can't imagine him looking differently. I, when I heard the Nox scratch story, it sounded

like a, like a geeky white kid. Oh no, no, no, I hadn't heard that he was black. Yeah, so to hear that, I'm like, I did not picture a black guy at all. Tall skinny black kid and, and he had a hat on. He had like a fucking captain's hat, you know, the sats that make him wear and he laughed it off his head. And the best part about that story is that after that, he told everyone in the fucking every brother that worked at the hotel knew that story. So anytime I rolled into a black dude, he was like, Hey, Nox scratch guy, huh? And I was like, Yeah, but it's important that I love small details in the story. That's why I still love comedy CDs. Like there's, we've talked about a bunch that comedy specialists recently haven't been that good, most of them. I still love comedy

CDs, especially doing physical stuff. And I've edited a few now, we just, I did Steve's and I did a couple of yours. And comics, a lot of times will say, I don't want to have that physical bit, or I don't want to have that, uh, like, uh, you use something to do with your face and it makes the audience laugh, but you know what you and see, you don't know it. I love, I love that because you really get, you're in your car or your house, and you don't have any visual stimulus that you just get to hear it and get really involved in the stories. And I, I think it's really cool. I love visual. I love it. I love it. I love it. You know, it's amazing when I don't like watching myself on tape, you know, but I know that when you tell a story, I love to take myself there.

People always, Oh, when you tell a story, you take you there. I'm not taking you there. You don't fuck. I'm taking myself there. You know, that's fucking fast today. I was writing the story. I was going to tell him that comedy central thing and the closing bit, I had to stop because my hands were shaking and I wasn't even telling the story. I was just writing this fucking story and my hands were shaking. So I pretended I was on stage and I even wrote it out. Like people, you see my hands are shaking. That's the hatred I have for this motherfucker as I'm telling you the story. You know, it's amazing when I get an audition sometimes and they'll say, so you came in the room, turned the light on, told me to suck your dick. I actually go home, get apart in the

room, turn the light on and I see little nuances and that's what gets me the role that I actually did what they told me to do. And I tried it in my house and I go, Oh, I'm going to bang my leg. That's fucking perfect. That's comedy. Nobody's gonna do that. That's genius. That's what I do it because I know nobody else is going to live through that. I love it when I'm writing. You know, I tend to write a book and I'm trying to write a fucking and when I write this shit, I go to write comedy. I have two notebooks out. Sometimes I cry. I got to get my size stop. I take myself there. When I'm on stage and I'm laughing, you're dead. You're dead. That means I'm going to fucking kill you because I'm there. Yeah, I'm feeling that fucking

joke. I love when I tell a joke that I wrote and it wasn't funny. And when it comes out of my mouth on stage, it's real fucking funny. And I cracked myself up. Is that why like, sometimes on stage, like the Lucy Snowboard story, like there's no, you could just say Lucy, or like, do you kind of say the name sometimes just to get yourself into it to work? Because you said, you said, you were somewhere the other night and you said a name like, oh, we want to pick this guy up and the audience doesn't know who that is. So you could leave it out. But like, is it to get you into it a little bit to get me into it and get the audience to visualize? What does, you know, what would Nick tutorial with Nicky eyes is to me, Nicky eyes might not be there.

Who was that? Was I telling you that day? Oh, I sent the tape to somebody and I was telling a story that we were always with you. When we robbed the liquor store, we robbed the jewelry store. Stinky. When I said Stinky, how much did you laugh? Yeah, just by a person's name. Because if I take you into that room and burn to that room and go enjoy was telling the story, describe Stinky to me. What Joey didn't describe, I forget Joey, you described from you hanging out with Joey, what would Stinky look like? I hate I love a good that you cannot take change someone's name in a story. No, I don't believe you can because because that person's name is real to you. Like, I used to tell a story about taking acid and going to Disneyland with my buddy hutch. You know,

it really and I never fucking talk about this, but you know, it really pissed me off about the fucking. I never talk about this. You know, it really pissed me off about the van water thing. I don't give a fuck about them doing whatever they wanted to do. But they use my buddy hutch's name. They kept his name in the movie because he was my friend and it's a good name. And if you don't have the real story, then you don't have it. And you're going to use that good name that you've heard. That's what a lot of like some writers do. I don't know. No, I don't have any gripes. But what bothered me was that when I used when I told that story about me and hutch, and if people can did the connective tissue and knew that that hutch in that movie was derivative of my hutch in my real life,

then they pictured him as a black dude, which is so not fair because hutch is the goofiest fucking white guy in the world. And I like, but I can't change his name because he's real in my story. You know, my buddy Harper, I love that name because that's who he is. It's a white guy from the south name Harper. You have that, you know, that kind of guy. And the fact that he misspelled it and spelled it happer with two P's. We can go, Oh, he's a fucking moron, but he is a privileged moron. Like I love the fucking, I love reality. I love the small details. I love keeping names. That's what I agree with you. They wanted me to change the name of my in Ari's thing. They wanted me to change the name of my director Tim Scott. He's a real guy. He now runs a fucking free mantle in

in Indonesia. He's a real fucking guy. I had him on my podcast. And, and, but I can't take it. I can't change his name because he's Tim Scott. He's a real fucking guy. He was there. He, it's, it's, you know, I don't know. Same thing with the mistress Isabella, the girl that dominates tricks. I told the story on Rogan's podcast about when I went to a dominatrix for her bird and I used her name. I wish I hadn't a little bit because she, she was, I don't know. I just hadn't planned on it. Well, didn't you have, I forget what, what, what episode it was, but you mentioned the girl's name into the book and that got, that hurt you a little bit. There was a big mistake. I wrote, I kept everyone's name into my book and I did not plan on. I didn't

realize that it would be as, it would get, I didn't realize it would be in Barnes and Noble's. Like I didn't realize that people would read it. And so she got really upset. Jenny Powers. Are you keeping names in your book? Like I said, first names because you have to, you know, you have to give the, that's, that's what you should do to get rid of it. I would, fucking first and last names. Like it was a big fucking mistake. No, no, no. A big fucking mistake. I told people a thousand times. I have 800 stories, but I can only tell 200 because you have to mention names. After people have kids, you know, I talked to a friend of mine when I went to Jersey and he pulled me over and he hugged me and he goes, none of our stories on that fucking radio

show. And I knew he was going to say that to me. That some people just don't want. I would never, I know who I could say something about and I know who fucking can. I'm going to get in trouble eventually one day. I'm going to have to apologize. When you're Joe Ideas and you, you're telling, you're entertaining people based on a life filled with, with what could be questionable decisions that are fucking, that is a, that is a road least traveled. You're, that those, there are people that have done the same things we have done with us and they do not want. That is like their, that is their low point. We just seem, seemed to fucking see that road as a straight path. Like I know exactly what you're saying, but like Joey's made a career out of, out of almost being

this rock contour, rank contour, I hope I'm saying it right, of the debauchery, wild life. And there are people that were there, but there, those people now, that's in their past. It's, we're happened to be making a living off telling these stories, but that's in their past. I totally get it. I totally get it. Yeah, Joey, didn't you say like a bunch of the people who do stories and who, some of them were in these stories or like Jesus freaks in Miami now? I got a lot of stories that fucking, you know, three of the kids I ran with really make me sad because I can never go back, sit them down and go, what the fuck happened? You know, I mean, you're a, you do this now, you're successful. One guy is really successful,

the other two are like moderately, but they all flipped. Like they're all Jesus freaks or somewhere. And they don't remember the story the way we, we remember it. Like they remember it as hurt and it's a painful thing, but they did. They, they think it's a stupid thing. And I had one guy tell me, I'd appreciate if you don't call me again. And it hurt me for about 20 seconds, but I understood and understanding. I could have told him to go fuck himself and whatever I understood. And I, he said that to your, he said that to you directly to my face on the phone. I called him up and he goes, you know, I was a long time ago. I'm very proud of what you're doing. I'm proud that you got yourself out of the hole you were in, but do me a big favor, man.

I just would appreciate if you don't call me. Holy, that's deep. I called his man. This is a guy I gave money to, like we were, and I called his brother and his brother came to my house to eat one day. And he told me, he goes, you know, he's a Joe Lowstein guy. He, he has a hernia. He won't go get it fixed on Fridays. He gets home from work and he stays until Monday morning. Doesn't go anywhere because of the life he lived. He's scared now. You know, you got like four DUIs, you got this, you got that. God. So he's scared. He's very scared. There's people who run scared. And you know, maybe I should be a little scared and I am at times. I'm scared of, I don't know what the fuck I'm scared of, but I'm not going to be scared for what I did.

Somebody asked me a question here that all the stories you tell, do you regret any of them? And I got to tell you something. Yeah, I felt pretty shitty. I did some shitty fucking things to some people, you know. That didn't mean to do. It was just, they were in the way and I'm sorry that it happened, you know. Well, I take them back. Not now, I won't. Because I realize it's just a part of fucking life, you know. That's it. It's just, there's people I pissed off. There's people I let down. I feel bad, but, you know, and that's why today when Carmine called me, it meant a lot to me. It meant that much to me because he saw me when I was that kid. So he saw me when I went bad and now he saw me that I'm back again as a human being, a productive member, you know. So what's

up Tarzan? So two, when you told that Carmine story, I thought of this. So probably seven years ago, eight years ago, I'm making no money on the road. I'm not on TV. I've done one fucking thing. It was the history of the joke on History Channel. It was me, George Carlin, Robin Williams, fucking, the biggest names in comedy, but I was represented by the people producing it. So I was in it also. That's the only reason I was in the fucking thing. I didn't even tell a joke, I don't think. But I was in it. So I'm sitting with my wife on the couch with our two kids. I'm making 750 bucks, probably a week, maybe 1200 bucks a week. I'm making no fucking money. I'm broke. We're my wife. The only reason we have this apartment is because my wife is the landlord

of the building. So we're getting free rent and my phone rings and it's Orlando. It's the Orlando area code. I go, that's so funny. I only know a couple people in Orlando still. So I answer it and it's, this guy goes, Bert Kreischer, this is Larry Medock. Larry Medock was the father of a girl, Kristen Medock, that I dated. And I very infamously, I've told this story before, but I pissed on their dining room table over Thanksgiving one night, hammered. Like I got fucked up and then came back to their house, woke up in the middle of the night, pissed on their dining room table. He saw it. I fucking passed out in the piss. They put me in bed and I denied it and fucking, he calls me and I'm like, holy shit. And he's like, uh, they thought I was

a fucking loser. He goes, uh, sitting here with Jan, his wife. And he goes, and I just want to tell you your, uh, we were wrong about you. What? By the way, I'm fucking broke. I have a drinking problem. I have two kids I can't afford. And he's like, he was like, well, we're watching history tale. And here you are right after George Carlin and right before Robin Williams. And you have made it. You're a, you're a, a dashing success. And we just want to apologize for misjudging you and not, and judging a book by its cover, you are a talent. And we're so proud of you. We understand you have kids now. And I'm like, yeah, he's like, well, great. Well, Jan will stop with the phone. Her mom who hated my guts was like, we were so wrong about you. And then hung up. And I was like,

mother fucker. I was like, what was that about? But it was like, what are those phone calls that you look back and you're like, I, I don't know what I did, but I did one fucking thing history of the joke. And they thought I was a fucking, they thought I was a gold mine. You are a fucking gold mine. Let me do a couple of shout outs here. How are you doing? Are you ready for another one? It just started to hit me. No, it didn't. It did too. Pablo Paxton, whatever your fucking name is, I love you. Dave Fennell, stay black. Fernando Sotelo, you bad motherfucker. Chris Cruz, I love you. Luciano Soprano, you bad motherfucker. Armin Davis. I don't know what the fuck this is. Haimi Hernandez. You're writing all it gets worse by the way. And Heidi Gelt is young. I love you dirty bitch down

in Phoenix. Little comedian girl. I'm going to be at the bray improps of timber 18 to the 20th. And I got them's comedy club in New York City, September 26 and 27, 11 o'clock at night. Tickets are going fast. Don't fuck around. What the fuck? Are you ready to kill half of this again? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, nothing's gonna happen. How many points you got left? How many? I got a little bit. I think I have like 600 dollars. What a fucking good sandwich. How many points you got left? No, dude, I do my fitness pal. I know you do the Fitbit. I do the Fitbit and I do just lose it. Oh, is that just you put your food in? Yeah, it helps. It does help when you're accountable for your food. Well, yeah, because I don't count. I used to not count things like a beer. I'm like,

I'm not gonna put a beer in there. You put a beer in, you're like, well, I can only have two more. Yeah, it's fucking scary when you don't count for your shit. We had a good conversation when this was, we're just talking about death. You know, you feel you're doing the life insurance tomorrow. That's why you didn't eat one of the edibles and stuff. Do you think about death of life? All the time. I'll think about it tonight, especially when I'm not drinking. It's not as bad when I'm not drinking, but if I'm drinking, when I wake up in the morning, I think I'm not living right. I'm not living, I'm living hard and I'm 41 and this is gonna turn on me and I need to clean it up. But when I'm not drinking, then I wake up and I go, oh, death is real also for

people who don't drink. And then I can't go back to bed. Like last night, I woke up at two or woke up at one o'clock in the morning and just stayed up until four and then just sitting in a dark room out, like not making a noise in my house, just sitting there thinking about life going, fuck, like I'll leave for a month. I come back for probably a week, head out again. I think it beats you up if you think about it too much, but I think about death a lot. You know what? It really doesn't beat you up. It really doesn't beat us up. At the end of the weekend, you're like, that wasn't that fucking bad. Yeah. And you go home and you refuel and I think about death a lot. I think about what my mom felt like when she died and what

my dad felt like. I think about the friends that died. You know, I think about like I always look at them every morning. Like I have like four friends that died young. You know, one of them is Anthony Balzano. I have his eighth grade picture. The other one is Dominic Speciale. He died when I was a sophomore. The other one was Darren Rago. He died in 99 and I think about what they're not doing. You know, and how lucky that's what motivates me every morning. I go, you know what? Dead, dead. I guarantee if I could open up the casket and go, let me ask you something. If I gave you 24 hours, would you watch ESPN again and watch when he'll say, fuck, no. Okay then. Just to see what a dead person would say has been dead for a year. Whoa, the thing is you wouldn't do.

I wouldn't do this anymore. I'd get up and get the fuck out of the house. I'd appreciate the sun. You know, that's how I look at things sometimes. When I wake up in the morning, I go, what am I going to do? I don't know what to do. So I look at those guys' pictures and I go, I got a lot to do. I could ride a joke. I could fucking lose two pounds. I could walk from here to whatever I could go out in the sun. Ask those guys in their fucking casket today. Knock on that casket and go, hey, I'm going to give you a life for 24 hours. What do you want to do? You want to watch the Clint Eastwood movie? Fuck you and Clint Eastwood. We'll never watch a fucking movie again. You know, we'll never sit on a couch again. You know, we were dead for five years. So I think of it that way.

That's an interesting statement. I always think of shit. What can't they do? How lucky am I? You know, you go online and I don't have a job. What the fuck are you talking about? We all have a fucking job. We all have a fucking job to be a little bit better than what we were yesterday. So don't just fucking sit there. Get the fuck up and go fucking do something. You know, you know, oh, I'm going to go to Tuesday night because you can't miss that movie at the Beverly. Really? Let me grab you by your fucking throat. You can't miss Galaxy or stand online for an iPhone. See if you die for fucking five years. If you just waste a fucking night at a fucking movie premiere. I want to go see Spider-Man 8 on the big screen. I want to wait all night with these

other jerk balls and fucking tents or whatever the fuck society is doing now. See if you would, you know? See if you fucking really would. Lee, you look at it like it really just kicked in. It's starting to kick in. He ain't fucking doing nothing. I was thinking that's like I never really thought about that before. Like what would someone do if they like woke up alive? That's kind of that'd be kind of a cool TV show. What the fuck would you do? Would you go eat McDonald's again? Would you tell a girl, you know, once you fuck, you put a guy in prison for 10 years and go tell that piece of ass up and see what the fuck you're doing wrong with your pussy and skills. Watch if he won't take a fart to the face, let a black chick fart in his mouth and shit in his mouth.

When you've been dead, take some guy who hasn't gotten pussy and give him a piece of pussy and go, I'm going to give you a hundred dollars to watch. See how he says I'll give some guy without arms. See if he doesn't eat that ass. He eats that fucking ass and sticks his face in that fucking muffler and snips it. These are the things that make me get me fucking going in the morning, you know? Like when you- Now I don't want to go to this workout class in the morning. I want to go to the beach and move stones or something. Like I want to live. Like I want to get a paddleboard and go paddleboard over the day. Learn something, you know? There's always something you can do. We all have a fucking job. You know, you're going to sit there and play fucking Nintendo all day?

Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? This fantasy football shit, I'll fucking stab you. I will beat the fuck out of you. I was so glad I wasn't playing that you were going to ask me. If I had a 14-year-old son that came to me and said, I'm playing fantasy football, I'd take them outside and smack the living fuck out of them. The fuck is wrong with you. We don't live in family. This ain't Peter Pan, bitch. This is black people out there. There's Chinese people out there. They're going to eat your fucking lunch every fucking day. You're walking around, look at me with a fucking new iPad. Oh, I'm on Facebook, yeah? Some fucking black kid is out there. Don't have fucking Facebook. He got one sneaker that's his and lots of it's his fucking

cousins. And he hasn't eaten in three days. But meanwhile, you're talking about whatever stupidity you're fucking talking about. Oh, Avatar was a great thing, really? I'll fucking kill you, you fucking sack of shit. Stummies. I'm going to wait online because this iPod, yeah, all right, good. What happened to fucking the Pro? What happened to fucking Operation Corporation? What? What happened to those jerk calls that we're going to shut down all the corporations? Oh, like the Wall Street people? Yeah, Operation Corporation. That's a better name for it. Operation Corporation. Operation I knew it was like the one 99% Occupy Wall Street. Yeah, Occupy. Occupy. What are you doing? You're flexing. I'm looking at my arms. One more time. I ain't going to do it because like, yeah, like,

keep going for a couple months and Operation Corporation. That's the opposite of Occupy Wall Street. Operation Corporation. We're not going to support the corporations. Fuck Southwest Airlines. See how long that fucking lasts? These fucking jerk calls. I'm un-fucking- That's why like this, this Ray Rice thing kind of pisses me off because one, like in two weeks or three weeks when somebody needs a running back, they're going to sign them and they'll stop, they'll unsuspend them. First off, let's get something straight. The Ray Rice situation should not piss you off at all. Why? I have a door that you have two fucking doors. Well, yeah, of course. You want me to fucking sit there and tell you, man, and all day on Facebook, Ray Rice,

why you love to get my hands on him? What's wrong with you? There's not one guy in here that wants to punch the fuck out of your wife once in a while. There's not one mother fucking here that want to kick a fucking woman down the stairs. You ever go to American Airlines, they lose your luggage? Tell me you don't want to kick that bitch in the back. All right? So don't tell me, don't sit there and judge fucking Ray Rice. Just move on with it. Yeah, they're going to hire him back. It's all hypocritical. It's all fucking hypocritical. It's all hypocritical. They hired Michael Vick back and killed 10,000 fucking dogs. You know what really sucks about that Ray Rice shit that I was thinking? Is that he's in trouble because he got caught. He's in

trouble because he got caught. And he lost his job. And I guarantee you his wife, and I, and I know that she, I know that this is the wrong line of thinking. By guarantee you some part of this, his wife feels like some sort of guilt. Like he lost millions and millions of dollars because this got out. What's going to happen now is someone's going to fucking beat their wife and go, if you talk, someone in the NFL is going to hit their wife and go, you better not say a fucking word if you like this house. And if you like this fucking lifestyle, because this lifestyle is provided by me, it really, they really kind of fucked the whole thing up by, by like, and it's like, one of the things that pissed me off was like, Ry, Ryzer, she was knocked unconscious.

I mean, did you need to see the video to know that he hit her heart as fuck? Yeah. I mean, did they think it was a different kind of hit? Like, what did they think that it was like a special kind of- No, the video was going to get out, but I don't know if you're watching today, but the video, they got the video. They got the video in April. Let's remember something. Really? Yeah. And I don't mean to be disrespectful to anybody or any women listening. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Let me tell you something. Everybody's worried about Ray Rice. This is one incident. What about Super Bowl Sunday when 80 women get beat? Yeah. What about every Sunday after football where there's 22 cases of domestic violence in each fucking state because of football or the

UFC or anything else that's violent? Because when somebody's having a bad fucking week, God knows what they'll do. You know, two weeks ago, I had a park down the corner, there's a Puerto Rican daycare, and I saw a black woman come out of the daycare with her little daughter saying shit to her. This girl couldn't have been a day over full, bro. And when she locked her in the car, she turned around and started beating on this fucking kid. Now, what could this four-year-old angel could have done to this woman to make her beat on this kid? I didn't call the cops because I didn't know what to do. My wife told me I should have called the cops because it could be an answer to just somebody picking her up. I didn't know what to do. But I looked at this person as

I drove away, and all I could think about was would I ever hit Mercy or Jackie like that? I wouldn't have the heart to hit my kids like that or even a woman that way. But I don't know what that, what she's going through. I don't know what she was going through in her life. And before we judge somebody, we're very easy and quick to judge. I don't know what she was going through. A hitting a child or a woman, there's no excuse for it. There's no excuse for it in my book. I've gotten into beefs with Carol. You know, I got arrested three times at domestic violence. Both of you guys, no, I'm not a fucking woman beat. But anytime you said something to Carol and she wanted to fuck somebody, that was her way of fucking somebody. She'd throw you in jail.

How many times Carol threw somebody in jail? 50 fucking times. I still talk to Carol. If I did something bad to Carol, why would she call me once a fucking week to ask me about a movie or a wedding or if I could do comedy at a fucking wedding? But do you understand me? Somebody who beats women, they do it to fucking everybody. They do it to everybody. I couldn't hit a fucking woman. I can never lift my fucking hand to a woman. I couldn't hit my fucking life. But we don't know what we're going through and we weren't there. I've never laid my hands on a woman. I can't imagine. We weren't there. We weren't there. I don't know what Ray Rice was going through, but I like all these guys that are Captain Sevo now. Everybody's fucking Captain Sevo. And you

know, at the end of the week, this doesn't change your situation at all. We have daughters. You have a girlfriend, you know, you have a sister, whatever. It affects you then. But at the same token, how about, you know, how about football and all? What about the thousand women that get beat up Super Bowl Sunday and every other fucking Sunday and after boxing matches and after UFC matches and after anything else that's kind of violent? You know, you don't see people getting beat up when they're watching a ping pong match. Nobody says I was sitting here watching golf and that motherfucker went crazy. He just started beating me. You know, I don't know. I don't know what the percentages are after golf. I'm just making a joke. But that's the big picture. That's the

bigger fucking picture. What was the, what, what, what was I, I was on the road when that whole war machine thing, what happened? And you know, the greatest part is when they finally found him, they found him because he was beating on another girl in the motel. Are you serious? Yeah. Again, we weren't fucking down. So God knows what could have happened. I feel bad for Christie Mack. She's beat up. She also did a radio interview where he says he's going to kill it. Well, he talks about rape and he talks about all this shit. Really? Yeah. So the guys, you know, there's two, you know, and there's people that are hating on Christie Mack right now. There's fucking people that are hating on her. This girl got dirty, broken bones in her fucking

face. And there's people out there saying because she's a prostitute or whatever the fuck he is, a bueno girl that she deserves to get. Listen, it's two volatile people. It's too violent. And that's what happened with me and Carol. Carol was a stripper. I'm too old fashioned and too conservative to date a woman that shakes her pussy in the titties. I thought I could handle it. We get into an argument. She down 911. It's always a bad volatile with certain people. He's a fucking fighter. He's a fucking fighter. You knew this when you started fucking dating him. He's got to be doing steroids. He's got to be angry about something. Got to be angry about something. You know, we weren't there. You know, I know he's going to fucking die in that prison, though. Oh, yeah.

He's gonna die in that fucking jail. Am I mad at him? Why would I be mad at him? He's got nothing to, when I go to Rouse, when I get gas, when I pay my fucking bills, he's not there. You know, Chrissy Mack is not there. So it doesn't really affect my life. But it's so weird how all these fucking people speak up. It's like somebody finally wrote me a thing and said, you didn't write nothing about Joan Rivers. I didn't know her. I didn't fucking know her. I didn't fucking know her. So RIP, what does that do? What does it show you that I'm a fucking fucking sheep? What does that do? It shows you I'm a fire. I'm part of this fucking shit. Doesn't affect your fucking life. You still got to pay rent. You still got to get in your car.

You still got to get your suck dick. You still got to wipe your ass after your shit. This podcast has come to a screeching end. Oh, he's jerk. I was robbing. You didn't know. Shut up. I'm so high, I got worried that I was the one that asked. I was like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Robbing. I was robbing with your fucking friend. You know fucking robbing your fucking jerk off. Sicken fucking die these fake fucking assholes. Fucking fakes. Can someone please isolate that? Can someone please isolate that? It's such a heart and entitle it Joey's heartwarming sediments of Joan Rivers. I didn't know. I don't give a fuck. What am I supposed to do? Oh, she opened up the door. I'm over here fighting.

I'm the one that lived in a car. I don't know her. I don't fucking know nobody. I don't know her. You should have gone to the fucking funeral and stood outside like I give a fuck. You know, people are such fucking phonies. I'm so sick and tired of you. Let me give some shout out to the sponsors for optimum optimization. Forget minerals, forget vitamins, forget all that shit. Honor. Go to honor.com for the best possible products to make you a better human being, not character wise. That you have to work on yourself. You can't buy that. You can't buy those fake glasses to let people know you're intelligent. That you have to work on yourself. Honor takes care of you internally and it makes you the best you can be. It all starts with alpha

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there. And I don't care whether you get the best underwear out there, you're going to fucking sweat your asshole. Once your asshole and your balls sweat meats, that's fucking dead, okay? You don't need to do that. You want me to tell you something? People usually have their underwears for seven years. That's unbelievable. Can you believe people put these ratty motherfuckers on every day? Do me a favor. Do you know about meundies.com? Meundies has the most comfortable fucking underwear you've ever had. I have them on right now. I have my little camouflage on right now. I took a shower at about 5.30. I got an T. I could scratch my balls and you could sniff them. They smell like skin. You know why? Because they have something. Right now my balls are floating in these motherfuckers

right now. Thank goodness. They have like a little cup in the front. There's no zipper. You got to pull it down and take your dick out with the balls and gives it fucking air. But here's one thing. They look great. They stay good after you wash them. Do me a favor. Go to meundies.com and check out the pixies they got. They got underwear. They got women's thongs. They got a bunch of shit. They just sent me and myself some good white shirts. Take a look at what they got. They got men and women things. They got high quality fucking materials. The price. I'm happy you're fucking ass. It's a fucking third of what you're paying at stores. So help me out. Go to meundies.com. Get 20% off your first order. 20% off your first

order and you got free shipping in fucking Canada and the US. I guarantee you you'll be happy with them. Go to meundies.com slash Joey and press what in the box. If you put slash Joey you're already there. Okay slash Joey you get 20% off your first fucking order. Who doesn't want underwear, ship to their house. That's awesome. You always need a new pair of underwear. Socks too. Socks too. If they did it for socks I'd definitely have six socks delivered. They have socks. You gotta go look. Let me tell you something about underwear and people sending shit to the house. It's tremendous. Yeah. I'm telling you this church is about saving you time and energy. You don't have to go out, stand online, you know go to a fat man store. Just go to meundies.com. Get 20% off. Again

you guys have been watching me all night. You're going what are you smoking Joey? I'm smoking an E hit fucking a hit E cigarette. Hit E cigarette. And a cigar. And that's a fucking cigar. You understand me. It tastes tremendous. You go to Vegas. You'll need to smoke your finger smell like you fingered some fucking dead bitch. Fuck that. You ever smoked a cigar? Your fingers smell fucking terrible. With this your fingers are a shower. You need to fucking shower. The smoke they'll go into you and you're fucking smoking vapor which is healthy for you. One thing about hit E6.com is they last long. You guarantee 1200 pups for fucking thing. If you get one of these cigarettes at a fucking 7-Eleven, you get them for fucking like 16-17 pups. They have 0, 8,

16 and 24 milligram cigarettes if you want to quit smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I like the nicotine free one because you get the taste. This is a great product. It's in my fucking bag. I like smoking a cigar on TV. Go to hit E6.com and get how much off your first 20% percent off when you say what Joey's church Joey's fucking church get 20% off Joey's church when you get one of these cigars. When you get the cigars, the no nicotine cigarette or the other cigarettes they got. You're not going to go around 1200 fucking pups for fucking $16. Trust me right now. Go to hit E6.com and press what? Joey's church. Oh shit! In the box get 20 fucking things at all. That's how he wrote. Also a shout out to what I was. Nailed the life. Nailed the life. They were at

the tapings last night. Yeah, I sat right next to them. And they told you to wait that they had something for me and you fucking let out sucka. No. They told me yesterday. They said you were too busy. Yeah. I had to leave before the last moment. So they had some for you. Next time somebody tells you to have something, you sit there and you fucking wait. They had peanut butter brittle and goomy bears. They gave me a piece of peanut butter. Where is it? At home. So why don't you bring it here tonight? Because I know you're not going to eat it. You're not going to eat it because I'm going to save it for fucking when the devil makes a comeback. You know, you still got that goomy in the half of your house. If a devil makes a comeback, you're going to want to lose goomies

are honest. I'm going to get my own tonight. I was going to bring it down to the fucking store. Go to Haiti. Oh, go to nailed the life.com. Nailed the life.com. They got the best, best vapor pen on the fucking market. It's $50 with our discount. You get it for 40 hours and mailed right to your house. Go to nailed the life.com. Nailed the life.com. They don't fuck around. Joey Diaz, no spaces. David and my man do a great job. What they do, they got t-shirt time that they got whatever you fucking need. All right. And for those of you, I know I gotta go to bed. Where are you going? I gotta fucking early workout class tomorrow, Joey. CT scan. Hey, for those of you who- Why do you wear me out? The last time you came, you're on a cleanse. You're

drinking water with garlic in it. Every time you come, you come with something. Come when you're drinking. I want you to be festive. I'm going to, I'm going to, hey, that's next week. I'll come back next week. All of a sudden, you're taking an insurance thing. You should have told me, Joey, I can't go to the night because I got to take an insurance thing. He's going to eat a fucking apple by himself. Yeah. Poor Lee. We're looking forward to, you know, for you to get fucked up on the bicycle and get hit. Oh, I told him when I started working out that I was going to get a bike and he said no. And then he called me back like 20 minutes and he's like, let me explain myself. These idiots are on- Let me explain myself. These idiots can't drive normally. Now

you're going to bike, you're going to get fucking hit and then we can't do the podcast. I'm going to be at the hospital. We're going to do the podcast so you can't ride a bike. So when he told me you were going to bike here, I'm like, oh no. Cause I knew I, he hates bikers. Makes me fucking nervous man. I just had a one in the skateboard one time and I'm coughing with him. He looked at my skateboard for an hour. He was like, you're an adult. Leave the skateboard at home. Hey, for those of you asking, when I said I was making $1,200 a week doing stand-up and saying it wasn't much money, you're forgetting to incorporate that we have to pay agents, taxes, managers, and for our flights and our plane tickets. So it wills down to, you should know how

little 750 bucks come turns out. Oh no. It, it used to piss me off when I would work. I like my last job, I was making $1,300 a week and by the time taxes got done, it was $900. And I can't imagine that was just enough to pay like my bills. I can't imagine having a wife and two kids. And then, and then agents and managers, you're talking about 35% right off the top, right off the top, it's gone. Yeah. And then you're talking about another 50% or 30% of for taxes, whatever, whatever. Uh, are you going to this store now? Yeah, I'm going to go down there, fuck around and do my spot bomb, but I'm getting stronger every day. I don't give a fuck. Are you around next week? Last night, he was amazing. Are you around next week? Yeah. Yeah, let's do a pop. Let's do my house.

I'll do over your house. Nice. We'll bring the flying Jules to eat on this fucking edible. Well, we got to eat this one tonight. No, no, no. I want to see you guys kill it. No, why would you do that? Look at how fucking lucid Joey is. Look at me. Yo, that's Joey. Let's eat another one. No, let's finish it. Why don't you finish it? Because he's got the fucking CT scan and the fucking life internal for bro. Let's go for it. No, I can't. I can't have any more. Guys, guys, go home. You go home. That's it. It's not the fact that I'm going. No, no, no, no, no. That's so I'm so good. I'm already so hot. Another half and all you've done is one. You did one whole one. I did fucking one and a

half or two. You don't leave me like this. What do you like that? I need to feed it because I'm already too hot. So what? I need to feed it to Michael Jackson's own and die. You can't die from it. You can't die from it. The only way we can kill you is if you shot out of a cannonball. That's out of a cannon. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. This smells fucking delicious. Private reserve. Private reserve. Fucking sunset. They're good. They're good dog. There's some good fucking that place in San Diego that sent this weed with Jessica. That alpha point that had some private reserve. They were good too. They got some good weed out there, but you gotta get, let's kill this out of respect. Out of respect? Let's kill the devil. Let's kill it. You can go

right home. Jews don't believe in the devil. Yes, they do. They are the devil. You fucking Jew cock fuck. I love you. Burke Christi. Thank you very much for coming on the church. Thank you. I love you guys a lot. Have a great weekend. We will be back Monday, night or whatever. We don't fucking know yet till next week. Who gives a fuck? Have a great weekend. Stay black. Tomorrow's a tough day for our country. Today's a tough day for our country. It is what it is. We're America bitches. As a matter of fact, the national anthem. Let's go. We're going to open up at the national anthem. Public domain. And no faggy fucking harps and people singing. No, I got it saved. Yeah, I want the good fucking

national anthem. Not Neil Diamond. Are you ready? Let's do this. It's September 11 people. It's September 11. I know 10, 12 years ago we had disaster and these fucking momos were walking around. What are we going to do terrorist? The only fucking terrorist is the fear you have of yourself. We're fucking Americans. You take that plane to hit the World Trade Center and you stick that up somebody's fucking asshole. We're Americans, bitch. Don't you ever fucking forget that. That means we do what the fuck we want to do. We're Americans. Fuck ISIS. Fuck terrorists. Fuck turbines. Fuck everybody. I hate all you motherfuckers. We're fucking Americans. That means nobody's fucking stops us. We want our dicks up. We get our dicks up. That's what

American does. Ask the fucking pilgrims. Fuck 9-11. Fuck 9-11. It'll never happen again. We're America. You don't ever have to be afraid again. Fuck Obama. Fuck them all. We're Americans, you son of a bitch. Grab your guns. Go shoot somebody. Fuck Joe Rivers. I don't know her. I don't know her. Wait, are we done? We're done. Oh my goodness. This show is sponsored by Nature Box. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great-tasting healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and get snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle curls. Oh shit. There's two cheapo shoes in this

bag. Oh shit. I thought you were excited about the barbecue kettle curls. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Oh my goodness. This show is also sponsored by honor.com. Use code word church to get 10% off of stuff like apple brain, new mood, shrimp tech immune, anything like that. Also go to meatundies.com slash joey to get 20% off of your first order of great men's underwear and women's thongs. Is this an e-cigar? Yeah. Can I take one? Sure. Take a couple of them. Speaking of that, go to hitesigs.com and get 20% off of a great e-cig using code word joey's church. They have cigars, e-cigarettes, and the proof is in the e-cig and then go to nailthelife.com for all the oil and wax smokers to get the premiere

ready for print on the market. Use code word joey's. God damn it. What's wrong? We got another pair right there. The darkest of night with the moon shining bright. There's a second way strong. A lot of things going on. The man of the hour has an air of great glory. The dudes have envied him for so long. Oh, super flat. You're gonna make your pension bad. But if you lose, don't ask no questions why. The only game you know is doing bad. Oh, oh, oh. Hard to understand, but a hell of a man. This cat of the slum had a man and wasn't dumb. But a weakness was shown because his hustle was wrong. His mind was his own, but the man lived alone. Oh, super flat. You're gonna make your pension bad. But if you lose, don't ask no questions why. The only game you know is doing bad. Oh, oh, oh. The game he plays, he plays with kids.

Hustling times in dead-old streets, trying to get over. That's what he tried to do, y'all. Oh, oh, oh. Taking all that peace and tranquility. The odds of it, trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Oh, oh, oh. Super flat. The aim of his role was to move a lot of flow. Ask him his dream, what does it mean he wouldn't know? Can't be like the rest, it's the most he'll confess. But the time's running out and there's no happiness. Oh, super flat. You're gonna make your fortune bad. But if you lose, don't ask no questions why. The only game you know is doing bad. Oh, oh, oh. Super flat.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Sing. Sing. Sing. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over. Trying to get over, trying to get over, trying to get over, trying to get over

trying to get over