Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #213 - Joey Diaz, Elanor Kerrigan and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 16, 2014

Comedian Elanor Kerrigan joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Keep In Touch - Shades of Love I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Agua que Va A Acer -Patato Y Totico     Recorded on 09/15/2014 

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this show is sponsored by hitesigs.com. The proof is an e-sig, better tasting, longer lasting. Go to hitesigs.com and use code word joey's church. That's joey's church for 20% off your order. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. We're back, bitches. Monday, September 15, 32 years ago, today I robbed my first jewelry store. Out of respect. What? The church and what's happening now, bitches? Actually, it's all about grab your dick, tell mama to shave that pussy. It's a whole new fucking set of rules, motherfuckers. What? What's the story? What are you, Popeye? Where the fuck you been, Popeye? Where the fuck you been? You don't answer. I've been all around. What's the question? You picked her up Friday.

You're living over like a doctor. You haven't get the robe yet? No. What are you gonna get the robe? When you walk around, you're with boxer shirts, those fucking little things you wear with your big fucking feet with no socks on. The mom bought me sandals this weekend. Did she really? Yeah, she came back, she gave it to me, she bought the whole family. She bought you those Mexican sandals. They make it over here from Tia Juan all the way to San Diego, those are... Yep, she made me tacos this weekend, homemade tortillas. How many did you throw down? Only four. How many calories? I don't know how many those are, to be honest. Not much, it's only carne asada and... Put them in the fitness book. Not, we had a little bit of a cheat weekend. All right, what else has happened?

What have you been? You went to the fucking... Went to Audubon, which was very fun. I saw a bunch of people there, were very nice. People recognized your Audubon? Yeah, there were a couple cool people there, because I mean they always go see you and Irvine. All right. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, it was a great weekend. It's fucking hot, but yeah. Got a good time at Audubon? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a, I've never been to like an outdoor comedy show, and a bunch of people did really good. So it was a lot of fun. It was a great time. It's different though. Yeah, it was... It's more impersonal, like it's even a hundred dollar ticket, you're 30 fucking 40 yards away. More than that. More than that, right? Yeah, we were in like the loge area, but it was fun. It was just,

I really like comedy shows, because like it's, it's kind of like the difference between watching it on TV and watching it in a club, like the entire club is supposed to be laughing, but with 15,000 people, seven and a half thousand aren't paying attention, and some of them are going to get drinks. There was a baby in front of us, and like every time I see, every time I'm anywhere, I think of stuff like what you would say, and the baby was fine, it didn't cry or anything, but I'm like, I kept thinking of what you say about like how you, how you're raising your daughter. I'm like, can't a baby hit her or don't come? Because the mom's spent half the thing walking around with them. What's the fucking use? What if the fucking gunman goes crazy and starts shooting

people? You brought your fucking baby like Batman, when the guy brought the fucking baby to Batman midnight viewing. Why would you bring your fucking baby to Batman? There's no relatives, you can't wait till tomorrow to see fucking Batman. You know, this one talking about having more carrying than the motherfucking house. Am I allowed to weigh in on this? That's crazy. That's why you refer to the baby as it. Don't do that. Don't do that. That's rude to me. I'm sorry, all baby listeners. They brought it. Well, it was just, I felt so bad. It was a cute baby. We were like, we were messing around before the show. But Joey's right. They're all cute until somebody starts fucking shooting. Listen, I'm not saying people are going to shoot you saying, Joey, why are you saying that? This is

your child. You know, when I was married 20 years ago, she had to fucking bug up her ass to go see pretty women. Me, from a consumer side, when I sit somewhere and the baby starts crying, I get agitated. So here I have a baby now. Who the fuck am I to bring this baby to the movie theater? 10 minutes in, where the Richard Gears on stage or the other pretty bitch, the baby started crying. I got to get up and walk outside. It defeats the purpose. It's the law of diminishing returns. You know what? I'll stay home and watch the baby. Go see fucking pretty women. And that's how I feel about all those things. You know, if you're going to fly with a fucking baby, guess what? People want to sleep at night when they take a red eye. Don't show up with 22 fucking kids at

night crying. People want to fucking sleep, man. It's just little courtesy things. You want to fly with your baby? Get on that motherfucker at six in the morning. Then I can't get mad at you. There's little fucking things. A nice restaurant, really. You got to bring your child a comedy show. It's that important to see fucking Sarah Silverman. They got to bring your fucking baby. Language, no. A comedy show. What are you doing? What are you teaching them? It's not even that. The baby's half retarded. He's dead in his fucking coma. Yeah. You know, my daughter's 20 months. What the fuck does she know what Louis C.K. is saying, or what Sarah Silverman is saying? She's just sitting there with her head looking around going,

why can't I fucking run? How old was the baby? Baby. Less than six months. Yeah. It was an infant. And it's kind of crazy because I'm interested to see what two comics have to say about it. And I had a great time. The show was mostly great, but there were a few people there where it was like, if there was like a, if like, let's say Comedy Central made a list of top 10 comics, they'd be on it and you're supposed to like them, but they didn't do well. And like, you do weren't there. There were comics who could have been there for a lot less money and our tickets would have been less, but it was like, if you're a fan, like a generic fan of comedy would think those were the best people. And not that Dan Cook isn't funny, but I called my mom and told her

about the show. She's like, Oh, is Dan Cook there? It's like stuff like my mom is going to think those comics should be there. Dan Cook wasn't there. Dan Cook wasn't there the night. Yeah. Well, yeah. She loves Dean Cook. Is any of the president of Massachusetts or something? He used to be. Who your dad? No, Dean Cook. Oh, I saw, I saw a picture of your dad with a club named Scientist. That wasn't, that wasn't his club. He worked in nightclubs for like 25 years. He did like promotions and he did singles parties. He, right before online dating came out and killed it, but is he, is he the one that's in that picture? It says sciatica, high heels. Get high heels on? You could tell that motherfucker. We're both short. Yeah. You could tell that motherfucker had a grandma

blown his pocket. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. You could tell that motherfucker was the real deal. How can you tell? What did he say? I just, you could just tell. He had that outfit on on a Tuesday night. Yeah. You wouldn't put those fucking suit on. Like those big front pockets. Yeah. It was, it was like from the 80s, right? The picture. Or maybe early 90s, but he was, he was on radio and, and that stuff for 20 years. So must be, must have. What's up with you? I don't know. A suit jacket with patches on his elbow. No patches. No patches, but he had always the huge glasses, huge, huge Jew from always a pleasure to see. I don't know. I bumped into it. The laugh factory. I like getting women on the show. I like women's perspective on comedy. I

like women's perspective on life, but it's just too tough to find women that'll come in on a Monday night to get offended. The language, reefer smoke, Lee, you know, it's all different things. I know nothing offends you. I've known you now for 17 years. And I don't, yeah, I don't know if I'm, I have the ability to get offended. Is that anything? Yeah. At this point, there's nothing really. We've seen a lot of faces come and go together. Way too many. I went to the store last week, two weeks ago. Yeah, you've been back. It's amazing. Yeah. Okay. Not to be, but Katie, and I gave her a hug and I thought of all the fun nights I had. Like when she came to the store, I really put the East Coast into perspective. Like when you grew up on the East Coast, there's

always like five or six people that put that neighborhood into motherfucking perspective. Yeah. They go to every party, ruin it. You know, Christmases ruin it. Perfect. Fucking bars ruin it. Yes. And Katie was that person. Always. I loved her. I loved the debt. I loved her balls. I loved the fact that she was Irish and she had a nice ass and she had buck teeth and shit and fucking the first night she worked. Well, not the first night, but the first week, I think it was Christmas. They hired her right before Christmas. And she worked New Year's Eve in the belly room. It was a private party for Pauli Shore. She was working. Some girl was drunk and stealing her tip money. So she comes down fucking wasted mid shift and she's got blood all over her knuckles.

And I go, what happened? And she goes, I guess I'm fired. I fucked up this girl upstairs. She was taking money out of my tip jar, Eleanor. So I'm fucking out of here. And she just left. And I'm like, uh, what? It was Pauli's assistant. And I was like, you're not fired. I'm giving you a promotion. I remember one night she chased a dude. She chased a dude up a parking lot. Oh, yes. You know that parking lot next to the comments together, run uphill? Yeah. Some dude in her were arguing and she was the bottom of the hill and she kept a fuck you motherfucker. She was drunk. And one thing led to the other. She kicked out of the shoe open. She ran up and tackled them. Oh, no, no, no. She took his pants down. We were screaming. Fucking hilarious. He's the real deal.

They don't make it in my condom. It's just nice to see all those people again. I was telling my wife, my wife goes, so how's it been at the store? You know, my wife was a waitress at the store. I told Eleanor was going to be honest with me. She goes, Eleanor was the first person that knew we were dating. Eleanor busted us at Ralph's at two in the morning and I was fighting with her because she used to get margarine. And I used to, that was- Why are you doing that? I can understand that causing a big time. And I used to tell her I used to go, what fucking person gets margarine? I didn't even meant nobody was margarine. Only you would get in a fight about butter versus margarine. Oh my God, who eats fucking margarine? I know, I agree, I agree. Like fucking Martians eat fucking

margarine. Does she now not eat margarine? Oh no, she won't even dab in that shit. But I'll never forget that. He said to her, so you guys living together and she goes, I don't know. Yeah. He just showing up one night with a bag. That's it. That's fucking crazy. Terry's a great, terrific, terrific person. Well, yeah, it must be hard to get offended because not only are you a comic, but you were a waitress at a comedy club. And she has nine fucking brothers. I have six brothers. And so nine brothers and sisters are something like that. You don't get offended when you get hand-me-downs. Punched in the face. They make you come in the bath and they show you a piece of shit. Always. You know, yeah, that's what guys do to their sisters, man. Yeah,

my brother Johnny's the worst. He's like, come on, look at this one. I had to stand up to finish it. The fuck is wrong? Oh, they don't even say no. Come here. We have some in the bathroom. I want you and they lock you in the bathroom. That's why all these girls are tougher than fucking nails. That brothers around them that tackled them, you know, when there was a room with them, there was there was eight of us and one or seven of us in one room. How? We had a triple bunk bed and then I had a mattress that pulled out underneath and then we had a double bunk bed and a single bed. My brother Tommy, Tommy, Johnny, Charlie, Jimmy, Bobby, Billy, me. Holy. So like I was getting hit with stiff socks every 30 seconds. It was a mess, but I didn't mind.

So six boys and three girls. Yeah, but my sisters were like 10 and nine years older, like Karen and Kathleen. Karen's 10 years. Kathleen was nine years and they were at that age where they were like, fuck her. I don't want her in our bed, you know? So they kicked me out and the boys were like, yeah, come in here. So I was like, hey, no one wanted to molest me or anything. It was really upsetting. Fucking six brothers. That's a I remember dating Irish girls. That was the most complicated family system. Really? Because I feel like we're like easy. I mean, they're crazy. Not complicated, but in a sense that it's so like I dated this girl and she's on Facebook now. And I see her on Facebook. I dated her for maybe three months and I kind of cheated

on her. I was a sophomore, junior in high school. I kind of cheated on her. You know, we were swapping spit. I was sucking her titties in the winter, but nothing really happened. You know what I'm saying? She let your suckers hit in an alleyway in the winter. And she had great tits. The girl had a great body that hit it. Wow. And she was so Catholic with the three sisters and the four gorilla brothers. She'd let you feel her up a lot. No, there was no pussy. There was no ass. There was nothing. You know, I would be sucking her tits and I go to finger and she'd like, no. So there was different girl that let me finger her and, you know, do crazy shit. And I cheated on this girl. Stop talking to me. And we spoke years later and she told me she goes, I still have your black

sabers volume for eight track. I bought you for Christmas. She goes, I refuse to give it to anybody else if you want. And I go, why would I want to fuck on a track? Yeah, like I saw 10 years later and we talked like friends. And she's on Facebook now. The three sisters still do shit together. It's my family. They married guys that all know each other. Oh, wow. So Friday, Saturday and Sunday, they're up down the street and they put the pictures up. You know, they put the pictures up with them down seaside, Philadelphia. They go away together. Kids go to school together. And you look at it as, I don't know, some people might look at it as retarded. I wish I had something like that. Yeah, that's a great community. I had six people go away

with, and I could just leave my kids with, I don't know, in Salem or drop your daughter next week. But did you get along as kids or was it crazy? Oh, yeah. I mean, we fought because we're Irish. We did. We were on top of each other. We were in a South Philly row home. So it's tiny. Oh my god. So even our room was like T90. Like no one was ever allowed upstairs. My mother was like, people can come in announced only no unannounced shit because the place could be turned upside down, you know, like, and then if like the priest would knock on the door, my mom would freak out. She'd be like, Hey, everybody pick something up. Like just should we get nourished? You don't want the priest to see what slobs we could be.

That's amazing. When you're Irish, the priest comes to your house once a week. Oh my god. He eats dinner. Just knocking, looking for money. We need a roof. I remember the one priest. My mom gets mad when I talk about this, but he was like, We need money for a new roof. I'm like, I'm sleeping with fucking pots under my arms. Really? We need a new roof. We don't have any money either. But they didn't care. They would keep comment and my mom would give them the money. When I first moved from New York City to Jersey, I was friends with a lot of different families, but there was one Italian family I was really tight with. I went over there. Him and I had fought and after that fight, we became friends. That's such a kid thing.

And the other day I was talking to the older brother and the older brother doesn't talk to him or the rest of the family no more. And we were just talking about general shit. And he goes, you know, I don't even do Wednesdays no more. They haven't done pasta Wednesdays after the house in 20 years. And as he was telling me, they don't do it anymore. I got this coldness in my body because I was a Cuban kid. I lived with my mom and my stepdad. We very rarely ate dinner together. I wanted to be a Walton kid. I admired what these people did. My mother had money. I had my own air conditioner. I had my own cable box, my own TV, and my room carpeting, my own bathroom. But I would give it all up to have three brothers to jump around at night.

Like Steve Simone talks about it and all that shit. And he had that. My friend John had that on Wednesdays. And it's amazing. On Wednesdays, you go to his house. I have to school and there'd be a pot of pasta in the middle, right? And you scoop it and then there'd be sauce on the stove with the meat and everything. And I ate so much that the mother would go, you know, I rolled those meatballs with my feet. And I would think about it like she fucking hated me, the mother. But the father loved me, the sister loved me, the boys loved me, so the mother had to put on me. But I told him this. I go, I still remember wanting something obvious. That 20 feet from the stove, your sister would be cutting air. At the time, she used to cut air at a

air salon. But on Wednesdays, she cut everything and they put on a discount. My sister Karen did the same thing in the kitchen. So it was 20 bucks, yeah, in the kitchen. So here you're eating spaghetti with air 20 feet away and not one fucking person would say, hey, there's air we're going to be in my food. You just accepted it. When I told him that the other day, he was dying of laughter and crying at the same time because of the tears of joy. Yeah, how different the mentality was right there with Charles Bronson. We were fucking cooking, cutting air. She's got some fucking long. It was like the TV on TV on Donna some volume one and two greatest hits. Wow. That's why I learned to listen to that

album. Every time I went over, they either had Barbara Streisand on or Donna some of the Italian's. That's hysterical. That's what I used to clean my house to Donna some of live and more. Tremendous. Tremendous. It's a lifestyle. When they told me, he told me the other day on the phone that the family didn't do that. I got sad in my heart because that's how I was introduced. I watched it on TV. Now is what I would just sit there in awe and listen to them say things to each other. Nice shirt you wore today, John. Fuck you asshole. They shut the fuck up. Watch your language in front of mommy. Don't talk. Don't be an asshole in front of mommy. Don't, you know, it was this thing that I didn't have in my house. Yeah, we talked at dinner, but not three fucking kids. You know,

that's a different part of society that, you know, I fucking, yeah, that was, But I would envy you as a kid. Yeah, I had the air condition of the fucking time. Sure. The other day I'm sitting there going, when I came from Cuba, I thought the more hot dogs I ate, the more American I was, Ryan. Please. And now they're telling me I can't eat hot dogs. Who's telling you can't eat hot dogs? The fucking the government, they're bad for you. Are they basically telling you your government? I gotta eat turkey hot dogs like this fucking little chovie. Don't fall for that shit either. Just let him go. He told me that he was eating a turkey hot dog. I told him throw it away right now. You eat that soy shit too? No, I don't even

stop it. I would never get a turkey hot dog. I've been trying to eat it out there. You're gonna turn Asian if you do that. Eat too much. Your eyes will get slammy. You never do that mistake. You cut on the bun. You got like a gluten-free bun. Gluten-free. You put it in the fucking tortilla. Do something different. Yeah, maybe a tortilla. You never cut back on the hot dog. It's always Nathan or sad bread or one of those other bad things. There you go. Did they even sell that out here all they ever see is like ballpark? Nathan's at round, bro. Nathan's at round. You cut that motherfucker down the middle with some onions. You fry that motherfucker with some yellow mustard. You need to do a recipe book, like a cookbook. What fucking recipe? From like all your random

stuff. You do have random dice. What's talking about that? That you talked to his ex-wife. You would always, you guys would just exchange recipes, but really it was you just telling her how to make things. Fuck around, dog. Why? You could boil a hot dog and give it to me with a bun. This is a gummy hot dog. Oh, this is delicious. Get the fuck out. You take a hot dog. You boil that motherfucker for a minute or two. You let those water start bubbling. You take the hot dog out and you throw it in a frying pan right there. Slice down the middle with some raw onions and you put some mustard right in that motherfucker. In the pan? Right in the pan. Hot mustard. No, yellow mustard. No, no, I'm not saying about warm mustard. Listen to me. You throw the cold

mustard back on. You throw the cold mustard back on. Okay, okay. And it neutralizes everything. Oh, you didn't finish it. You didn't hand me out. I'm sorry. I'm talking. How you gonna fucking pick that new hairdo and not listen to the fucking hot dog recipe here? And you take like, I was thinking of mine. I'm looking for a business. I like to own a food business, but something simple. Something simple. So me and my wife want to move to Louisville and open up something like authentic, like fucking to today. I thought of a new hot dog, a fucking hot dog with a slice of American cheese, raw onions, and baked beans like those bush beans. Like in it. God damn. God damn. After three bomb hits of misery. How is a Native American woman

slash Irish and a Cuban guy going to open up an authentic hot dog please? The same way I see fucking Hindus spinning around pizzas in the air. You ever go to mama's grandmama's pizza? Big mama's. I used to work for them. Big mama's. Everybody in there has that armpit smell. Oh, it's disgusting. They have. When you go to the one on Sunset. I know the one by Martell by Ralph. Right to Martell going at the door. It smells like that pun. Like ISIS armpit. Like with somebody from ISIS with their armpit would smell like that in that desert for 10 weeks. Chopping off motherfuckers ads for everyone listening when he's talking about the pizza place that delivered to the Oscars this year. Oh, yes. It does smell in there. Let me tell you something about that pizza,

my friend. Have you ever seen how they make pizza by the slice? Yes, I work there. We cut a piece of dough. Don't tell me my pizza and they sprinkle it on it. So that's what the Oscars eat. Welcome to my world. The rest of the world. That's why I don't eat pizza out here with these fucking Gentiles. I agree. You go on mama's pizza. They give you a cloud of pizza and you can see them make the slice. You don't do that. You make the pizza as a whole. You let it colliguate. Then you chop the motherfucker up. I'm not even Italian. I fucking know that shit. The fuck is wrong with people? I don't know. The Oscars. That's why those mutts are all gonna die of gluten free and fucking plastic surgery. You know, that's what they don't eat fucking apples.

But meanwhile, they got needles and fucking lasers in their eyeballs and shit. Put it in. Bull talks. Fuck you. What's up, Lisa? I love ISIS armpit. It smells like that. Yeah, when you go in there, you're like, Oh, I'm sorry to know you guys are shooting video. When you walk into mama's mama's papa on sunset. I'm not trying to be funny. He's right. As soon as you close the door, you smell armpit. You smell heavy duty. I'm not going to say what nationality. I don't want people saying you're being fucking racist or whatever. It just has that pungent desert odor to it. But I can't tolerate. I can't tolerate that shit desert. So that's why I'm going mama's. Somebody told me that pizza was good. I went in there one time and I ordered one slice

just as a sample just to see when I saw them put out the free fabricated slice. That's crazy. I can't do it. Now I got nervous this weekend because you asked me for pizza place. Did you try it? Was it okay? It wasn't bad. There's a place on low can and stone cold stone. Let me tell you something. It's Daniel's wood fire. It wasn't bad. Oh, I know that. My wife had the pepperoni. It wasn't bad. I had the extra cheese, not bad, but I had the salad, the cream Italian dressing on the salad. It's fucking delicious. Oh, that's good. I ate that like a 10 o'clock on that. I had nothing else in it. I had to say the salad with the tomato. Do you ever go to Vitos or Jills? Vitos is on. Vitos is on Salsienica. Yeah. Next to the Chinese place. Yeah. I'll give you a dollar

if you can find parking spot. That used to be my Chinese place. Oh my god. I used to go there too. Rice is the shit. Rice? Rice? And I'm going to tell you why rice is the shit. Why? Not because of the Chinese soup or the twice cooked pork or anything else. The chicken wings. Oh, the diet food. Do they have the sauce or like the plain ones from like the East Coast? This is a fried chicken wing with pieces of garlic. I haven't had that in years. And they give you four wings per order and you dip it in the hot mustard. You sound like you may have an orgasm. No, no, no. This is something from another fucking dimension. Nobody was doing this. So then Vitos opened to have the pizza placed next to it. It's not bad, but this fucking rice,

the wings at rice. I've been eating at rice since 1990, motherfucking seven. And they changed owners. Now it's like a sushi place or something. Yeah. They did something. I don't like you can't mix flags with me. Pick a question. I don't like you going to say Japanese. You're selling Thai. Why confused? If you put peanut in my twice cooked pork, I will stab every fucking Chinaman in this fucking restaurant. I thought of you again at oddball. They had like stands for food. And one of them was Chinese food and someone next to me got it. I turned to Paula. I didn't look at it behind me. Did someone just fart and she pointed over. It had the most disgusting egg roll and rib. But it looked like a 7-Eleven if they were going to do a Chinese rib.

That's my favorite restaurant. I love 7-Eleven. The Italian sandwich at 7-Eleven. Have you had that motherfucking 12 o'clock at night? No, but I am always in 7-Eleven. Listen to me. Listen to what you do. It's called the Italian sandwich. Listen to me. You go into 7-Eleven in the back. I turned fucking one through it. He did this to me like one in the morning. Everyone breaks my balls. I'm always in 7-Eleven. Listen to me. You're going to forget the chicken salad on wheat. Okay. That should kill you. You'll be shit the next day. I got sick off one. You go to 7-Eleven and you get the Italians up, take it home, throw the lettuce out, throw the peppercini out. Take the cold cuts out, toast the bread with the cold cuts, take it out, put lettuce, tomatoes, peppercinis, and

vinegar in them, and call me back tomorrow. Tell me who the fuck you think you're dealing with here. You just got to dope it up. That's it. You just got to dope it up. It's there. I didn't realize you got to dope it up. Yeah, that's like taking a girl out of a project. It's delicious, but it's there. You just got to dope it up. You got to put some effort into it. You just can't don't. If you take it home with it, you're going to call me and go, Joey, you disrespect him. You know, you got to do with him. You disrespect him. Take it home. Take the guts out of all that Arabian lettuce and all that shit. The brown lettuce. The brown lettuce. What's the brown? Yeah, because it's been here for fucking since Tuesday. Then you take the bread, you toast it in one of those broil ovens,

then you hit it with lettuce, and then you cut it so the bread is crunchy. Yeah. That should have changed. If you're going to 7-Eleven getting a sub, you don't have time for that. Yes, you do, because you don't have to always act like a fucking savage or your fucking life. You got to be civilized every once in a while. Every once in a while. You have to turn the oven off. They also have a tub of New York Super Fudge Chunk. See, it's a whole complete situation. A lot of people don't plan this shit. If you're going to go to Denny's, and if you're going to go to fucking 7-Eleven and support ISIS, hit them big. That's who you're supporting. Is that what you're telling me? That definitely a terrorist group. Look at them. The one by my house keeps changing the color of his goatee.

I got 7-Eleven carts. You don't change the color of your goatee if you're fucking on in the paper. If somebody's not looking for you, why would you change this from white? You know which one I'm talking about. He was out there the other night with the hoes. He always changed his face. They're always out there with the hoes. They're always out there with the hoes. They're washing the dump powder off the fucking front of the building. And they had to scare that homeless guy away who was rapping to himself. The white homeless guy? Oh, bro, the other night. The house scare was that one dude that can cross the street. Wasn't it you and me or Steve Simone? Might have been Simone. Simone, yeah. 7-Eleven is where the action's at. It's like a nightclub. I love it. I love it.

Some of them, you can't even get parking. You got to park across the street because they got handicapped and they got fit. That's my favorite. How are you feeling? You ready for this? I'm pretty high. Kill this last piece. No, I'd have to. For your country. For your country. No, no, no. I threw up the last time I threw up. Come on. You threw up the last thing? He blames on sushi. Look at that. Look at that. I would blame it on sushi. One more piece here. One more for the government. Okay. Wow. How is peer pressure for you? I know. Does that work out? He does it when we do live podcasts. He does it on stage. But it seems like you have fun doing it. His eyes are closed, but he's enjoying himself. Go home and watch ESPN for three days. This is actually great. I do that

anyway. But actually, before I take a bite, I want to talk to you. Before I take a bite, yeah. It's a business, so you don't forget. No, because I love something to talk about. But I picked up my girlfriend. She lives in Englewood. She's Mexican. And we dropped the mom off at a Mexican Independence Day party right across the street. And she called like right when we got home, like an hour later, five dudes in the alley that runs behind their house, drive by, all got shot and killed. Oh no. And it was like she was yelling on the phone. She was yelling at the cop saying it was their fault because they don't come in the neighborhood. And the mom was scared and Paula was kind of scared, but I couldn't imagine having to live with that. And it happens

all the time. All the time. And like when you were doing, you never did stuff like that. But when you were like selling drugs, did you ever like worry about that stuff or getting shot? I can't even imagine. There's some fucking retard out there. You see what's going on now on the fucking roads? People pull up to you and shoot you. What about last week some guy was just shooting people at random all over town? That happens all the time. That happened on Highland and Sunset like three times. This is crazy, guys. So every still, look at this poor guy. He's choking at that. Look at him. Swallow the fucking thing. Will you please? Hell yeah. You think when the hook is out there sucking dick and that sperm comes through the fucking condom. It tastes like rubber fucking milk.

You think that she's making faces? How long is he gonna take you to drink this? Look at him. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. What am I watching you? What am I dealing with here? Swallow the fucking thing around. Is this what Jewish porn is? What? It is a big piece. It was a small tiny piece. Now you're back. Look at you. What do you want to go eat at? How many calories you got left? I got 155. Are you a weight watcher? I'm on everything. I'm on my fucking fit diet. Whatever. What's that? The Eagles won. What was the score? 30-27. Oh, shit. Everybody picked super close. The Colts were beating them for a while. Yeah, they were beating them 20 to 6. Monday night. You never picked a book. We never seen a book. You were the part-time job on a Monday night. No. If I tell

you once, I tell you a thousand times, don't fuck with Monday nights. But yeah, there's drug dealers who hang up at her house and I always see them. Not even dealing with gangs, because that's who did it, apparently. There's a gang. But when you were going to pick up some coke and anywhere, and that's where it happened. I couldn't imagine having to deal with that. You never know when you walk into a cold castle. The cops are going to kick the door down. I don't know. When I saw you, the main reason why I put you on the show is because this is something we talk about all the time. It's work and come in. When I met you, you were the head wager to the comedy store. Now you just taped a special for showtime six, seven, eight years

fucking later. Seven and a half. And I got to take my heart out to you. I mean, that's a great accomplishment. You know, I've always loved you and broke your balls. And we've had a lot of good laughs, but that's something that, you know, and your friends with dice, he loves you to death. I mean, you're his goomba. You keep him fucking solid when everybody when he's going off. You're the only one I could say shut the fuck up, bitch. He's still married. Yeah. Yeah. He's still married to a Mexican. He's still married to them. She's Mexican, Italian and Jewish. I'm fucking believe. Yeah. And he goes, you know, Joe, every once in a while, he'll say, Joe Diaz is right. These Latin girls, man. These fucking girls, they're fucking nuts, man. We want to even crazier

now. I date her uncle. So you keep it all in the family. Yeah. He's Italian and Jewish. And how's Max doing? Max is doing great. The band is still together. The band is together. They're playing somewhere. The other door is the name of a place they're playing. It's either on the 24th, September 24th, or October 2nd. What's Max's brother? Dylan. Dylan. Yeah. They're called LA Rocks. If you ever get a chance, look up their music. It's phenomenal. How long have I known them? Gosh. Yeah, they just, Dylan will be 20 next week and Max is 24. Crazy, right? I know Max when he was around 10. I met Dylan when he, the mother was pregnant with him. Oh my God. How creepy is that? It's amazing. I've known him for 21 years. You know, I stopped

and I've been going down there for 17. I know, I know Andrew since he was, his cousin used to go on there at night. Jamie. The fucking cousin every night. Yeah. You know, it's amazing. Every night I come home the next morning. You know, I talk to Terry every night when I get home. You know, if it's for 10 minutes, some nights I make him get up and go get coffee with me outside. I can't fucking believe you're a white man. I love that. But you know, I tell him how much the store has changed. It's a different beast now, right? And what it is and what it's done to me the last three weeks, it's just made me a different, you know, and people didn't understand. Like I made this common one night and I felt shitty after I made it. It was in front of like two younger comics.

And I said, they said, well, we heard your back at the store and I said, you know, you can only get so good following people at the ha ha and that flappers. You can only get so good. If you want to be a killer, you got to hang out with fucking killers. And that's the fucking store. It makes your heartbeat, you know, that's what I want to be pushed. You know, it's amazing when you work out by yourself and when you work out with a trainer. Yeah, it's amazing when you go home and go. Oh, everything hurts. Everything hurts because you push yourself because somebody pushes you. You know, I would go to the high night fresh off like, I'm gonna take a shit and go down to the I would look at a notebook. I would flappers the same thing. When I go to the comic store,

you better look at your notebook before you go down there. Oh, yeah. Make a couple notes. You better, you know, you have to. It's it's and for me, it was everything. Yeah, me too. Nobody understands that I walked away from everything because there was reasons. I disrespected the place. Marilyn, it wasn't time to do it. Tommy, right? It was just everything that was going on. It was a lot. Close the door. You have to know when the fucking close the door. You have to know when to fold them. Yeah. And that's what happened. That's the Marilyn thing. I said, I definitely got to stop going down there. You mean when I went off from Jeff Altman's. I got to stop going down there. It was well needed. Yes, it was well needed. And I felt good, you know,

and it's funny how it came to me. You're watching the movie being there. Yeah. Repeated. Yeah. I had to do a colonoscopy. And that week, they called me. Tommy got fired on Wednesday. I don't know. I was on the East Coast. Something happened. He got fired and somebody called and said, you're going to go back to the store. I said, absolutely not. And I was getting a colonoscopy. And the reason why I have the colonoscopy is because of Marilyn Martinez. That's the cancer she had. Yeah. So when I went home and told my wife that they offered me a colonoscopy, she goes, you know, that's the cancer that Marilyn and Marilyn would have done that. She wouldn't have died. Marilyn also used to bust my balls about being there. She's

always going, you've never seen Peter Sellers in that fucking movie? And I'm like, no. Why would I watch it if he's not Inspector Cluzo? Yeah. And she's like, watch the fucking movie. So it was on IFC one night and I taped it with commercials. So this night, I watched it. Yeah. Because I was like, oh my God, being there though. This is three months ago and I taped it and didn't watch it. And I get up one night, you have to drink the potion at five in the afternoon to make you shit. So you can put the camera for the colonoscopy. Oh, I was like, wait, what the fuck? And then you got to get up at two in the morning and drink another Kool-Aid. Yeah. And that makes your shit even more. That goes deep into the bowels and takes a while. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's probably

aloe vera water or some shit. It's fucking that sandpaper. My boyfriend does that. And the next thing, no, no, this is the shit that the hospital gives you with a prescription. Yeah. This is hard. So I got up and they tell you, don't go back to sleep because the waste of your time just sit. So I spoke to Joey and I watched his movie. And it's basically about God. Yeah. It's a mission of God. And when he walks away at the end, that's when I tell him, I cry a little bit, like it really hit me. And I said, this is Marilyn telling me to go back to the store, cut the shit. And the next morning when I got back in the colon, I told you on the drive down. Yeah. I decided I'm calling it for spots at the store. That's it. Amazing. And it was just

like a sign. It was that time. Isn't it kind of crazy that like already tweeted today that this was the day he got passed or whatever. It's like still his biggest accomplishment as he's filming a TV show. And I was just thinking it's kind of cool that like sometimes you've talked to his comics about getting into different comedy clubs. You left the store for seven years and you can just call them and like tell them you wanted to do spots and like they'll just let you up because you got passed and like you're like a member of it. So like that must have been pretty cool, even though you left for seven years. Well, he's still Joe Diaz. He's still like a relevant great comic. You know, it kills me that there was a lot of names on the wall. Yeah.

Because there's a lot of names of people who came through town that don't even do comedy. Exactly. But there's names of people there who really worked, who really worked hard. And then they just zeroed on the comedy store. I was one of those people. I knew when I came to town, the first place I was going to was the comedy store. I didn't know about the Laugh Factory. I don't know about Bud Friedman's fucking improv or Ed's Mitchell and the fucking and that. No, he wasn't. He wasn't even around at that time. In fact, I worked with him in promotions upstairs. Me, Larry Vizales, when I got passed Larry Vazio, I was going to tell the market is upstairs. No, you weren't. I don't remember that. That was for about three weeks or four weeks.

But it's amazing that the comedy store meant that to me. Like when I came to this town, I went to Al Capucco to eat dinner and I went to the comedy store and I seen James Stevens III. I saw Lenny Griffin and I saw somebody else down there that made wheels. They got me on stage before Don Barris. And that was like I could have died that night, even if there were state people in the crowd. It didn't matter. I got on stage at the comedy store. Didn't matter. No matter whether it was an open mic, nobody needs to know that. It was on my resume now, bitch. I went home that night. I put comedy store on that motherfucker. Sunset strip LA motherfucker. That was huge. The O.R. That's huge. That's and then for her to give

to tell you to come back after five minutes and then for her to tell you that you're a regular call Scott tomorrow for spots. Did you showcase once? Twice. Wow. One Sunday, three minutes. You made me come back and do 10. Okay. That was it. I got here January 29th. I was past February 19th. Wow. Three weeks and Doug Stanhope referred me. Yeah, that's your comic that we heard you. Okay. And Carlos Mancey. Oh, okay. And they were kind of her favorite. At least at that moment, she changed favorites a lot. I was just telling somebody the story like I worked. I was her personal assistant for like six years. The worst thing, but she got me my first stamp in my passport. So we went to the Dominican Republic to get stem cells.

You know how fucking frightening that was? That I had Mitzi Shor, who every comic is waiting for her approval. And she's fucking Dominican Republic getting stem cell injections. When you first started comedy, did you do it at the store? Because like I worked at a place for too long something and like they always see you. They always saw me as like the intern. Yeah. So like, was it weird? Was it weird going there? Once I started doing stand up? Yeah. Like even getting validation from Joe, Dom, Ira, Joe Rogan, any of these guys, because you guys, I was idolizing you guys. You know, not that I wanted to be a stand up. I had no interest in being a stand up, but just waiting tables and laughing my ass off at you guys. And I'm like, when I started, I remember

going to Mitzi's and I was like, Hey, I'm gonna start doing this one woman show. Can I work it in the belly room? And she was like, Yeah, because I would never go on the original room stage unless that's for real comics. I'm gonna be an asshole in the belly room for a little bit, you know. And so she she was like, Yeah, do it. And then dice came one night with his girlfriend at the time and watched and he was like, You're doing stand up. I'm like, No, this isn't stand up. This is this is a one woman show. Because I'm talking about my family. He's like, No. And then he took me on the road with him. And I was it. I was like, Oh, shit, I haven't done the one woman show yet. But I have like gone on with him and just like filming this special is like a giant thing. It's only

10 minutes, I think, but I don't care. Because it's dice giving me the validation of you're a stand up comic. That's hard. Dom watched me the other night in the main room and said, You know, Dom had you on the show last week with me a million times. Yeah. But I'm saying He sits and watches now and he goes, you know, because I've worked with him in Philly. I've worked with him in La Jolla. I've, you know, all over. But it just, you know, that validation, like him saying really funny stuff, like I'm picking out bits and going, This is terrific. This bit, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? So I know I'm doing it or going in the right direction. Because you guys, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, that's amazing. And to go on that all our stage, I would

never until I was ready. I was terrified to do it. So I didn't go on for a long time there. But now it's my favorite. You know, I get pissed if I don't have o r spots. People have no idea that my first Okay, so I got out of prison in February. And the guy that was my roommate that I spoke to the other day said that you got to watch this comedian. And he kept giving me this VA said, I'm not going to watch. I'm in the fucking halfway house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where am I going? I think it took him like September. And it was Andrew Dice Clay live from Philly. Oh, yeah. And I was blown away. And that New Year's, we weren't allowed to go out in the halfway house. So I put that tape in. I got a bunch of guys. They said, Okay, then we had a party. No beers, no drugs,

just soda and popcorn. And we died a laughter at Andrew Dice Clay. That's amazing. And I think I got on stage maybe two years later. And to go to the store and see him walking around. Oh, yeah, because he would just be no. It's mind boggling. Yeah, it's mind boggling for a guy. And I would never say a word to never, never. Nothing. Until one night, there was a situation with Marino and Luca. And he was furious that he said they were stealing his essence. And Scott Day and him were arguing. And I tried to explain to Andrew that when you start doing comedy, you always do somebody else until you get your persona. I go, Jesus, when I started doing comedy, I was you. So my voice came out. And he goes, I never thought about it that way. He was very angry. But he called

the house three days later. Can you imagine when you go home, you check your messages and there's a message from Andrew Dice Clay. What happens here? And they took me on the road to Vegas with me, Bobby Lee and Jim Norton before Jim Norton. Yeah, with the bad boys on the family tour. This is craziness. And it was, you know what I'm saying? Like that just gives you something. Like if you die right there, you're good. Yeah. Like as you're going through heaven, you're like, you know, whatever. I became a regular at the store. And I went on the road with Andrew Dice Clay. What did you do with your life? You know, like that's how to me, it meant that it was a stripe. Like it always has been. I'll never forget Andrew for the shot of conference he gave me.

And everything he the first time the first two or three movies I booked was with Andrew's advice. Every time I use Andrew's advice for how he booked crime story, I do it. I become Andrew in a fucking room. He says that can't let them roll that fucking camera, roll that motherfucking camera Jack and watch this. And he would do stuff backwards. That's the story backwards. Every day. Like he would, whatever you do, I want you to do it backwards, you know, in an audition. Like, you know, it's just amazing the knowledge that man has. Yeah. The knowledge Andrew Dice Clay has, he could change your comedy stylings with five sentences. Like do this, hold your hand this way. Then he'll always throw something in like Mitzi. That's how

landish. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, you should wear a hat with a snake on it. You know what I'm saying? Like no, I don't like Mitzi. Mitzi would see you on Sundays. She'd always give you that was a great job. You're looking thinner. I have an idea right there. Your whole body cringed. You're like, next week I want you to dress like Fidel Castro and put a handcuff on and go on stage. I think it would be funny. She told me that 18. Are you kidding? But she would like this was Mitzi. If Mitzi told you something on Sunday, she was going to forget it by Monday. Hopefully. But if the talent coordinator called you on Wednesday and re-mentioned it, you're in trouble. Yeah. That's what would she say? Like if she saw you Sunday, I'm going, Lee, come here, Lee. I want you to wear

a Rabbi suit and put your ass on fire up on stage at the end of the clothes. You're like, that's funny, Mitzi. That's a great idea and you leave. And hopefully she'll forget it. Hopefully people will talk to her and that's out of her memory. But if the talent coordinator calls you on Wednesday, he goes, I got a message from Mitzi. She gave you a spot at 10-3 in the main room. She wants to wear the Rabbi suit. Oh my God, you're fucking done if you don't wear that Rabbi suit. Yeah. And if she caught you without it, you were fired immediately. She did that. I saw her do that to a number, a handful of topics. She told Carnelli to put the guitar back or something that he didn't do. Oh no, she fired him immediately. She fucking, she, he got, she told him one night,

bring the guitar back. So when he got off stage, she kept saying, fuck up. I don't need no guitar. I'm funny as it is. So she told him again, if you don't do the guitar, you're not going to get spots no more. So he's out there when they yell at the building one night, fuck the comedy store. I don't need the comedy store. I'll go to the ice house and develop and I'll come back in. I'll blow all these comics out of the water. About two months later, I see him at the union when they did the show. No. What was next to the fucking union? What was the place where Dane Cook got made? A sunset upstairs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dublin. Dublin, upstairs. Dublin had an upstairs. Yeah. Well, they did comedy, but these two parties there. There was a room up there one night. We

were all up there on a Wednesday night. We did some comedy up there. I met in J. I met in J. And we all, this was way before it became that. It was a killer. This was the summer of 98, summer of 99. Danny Kelly was the talent coordinator. I forgot he was in there for a minute. 98. Yeah, 98. Throw in heat. Throw in heat. And John Carnelli's then he's like, yeah, I'm thinking of going back to the war started between him and I, because he says, I'm thinking I'm going back to the store now. And I go, what happened to Mr. I'm not ever playing the guitar again. I go, I thought you were going to develop somewhere else. Mr. I'm not going to play the guitar. I go, now you're begging for a spot. I guarantee you show up with a 12 man band.

He fucking was pissed. So you guys have a thing? Not anymore. He's disappeared. Who knows where he's going. I've worked with him like two months ago. John Carnelli, which one you told him? In Vegas at the Laugh Factory. I did a guest spot. The weird one. The one that you sang out with Johnny Sanchez. Johnny Sanchez. Okay. So I see him about a week later, and he has a little bit of attitude towards me. And he goes to me. Oh, you getting ready to go on stage? Shouldn't you be doing a line of coke? There's nothing that will make you fun. No way. And I go, bitch, listen, I don't need no fucking guitar. I don't need no line of coke. And he's kept talking. He was at Johnny Sanchez and I had a Heineken bottle. Oh, I had a glass.

They hate each other now. No, yeah, yeah, they all do. Everybody hates Johnny Carnelli. I take the fucking glass and I whip it out his head from like where the lineup is. And the OR, he was by like midway, he ducked, but they got the fuck out of that. But that was it. Once somebody throws a glass at the commie store, like, I'm crazy, dog. Once a glass at somebody. Good. Yeah. So next night, I'm driving by Martell and I see him and I'm parked. I'm on traffic by, what's the bar that closed down on across from 711? Why? But Terry used to hang out. Everybody used to go there at night. Oh, yeah. Coaching horses. Coaching horses. It's now something weird. I saw Sanchez walking out of there and I beeped

and he goes, pull over. He goes, last night, I had nothing to do with me. There was all Johnny Carnelli. Because I threw a fucking glass. You know what I mean? I love Johnny Sanchez. Throws it right under the bus. Oh, good. Yeah, let that out. Whatever you need. Dog, I had that fart. It was at a taco. Smells like a hot dog. Little Tony Bennett here for you motherfuckers. It's Monday, September 15th. Get out there, cock-suckers. What? How you feeling, Elise? I'm really high. I would have been high before that. Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey? Play the music, give some. Yeah.

What? Let's go take a texting break. Come on, let's go. Come on, music, music. What you want to do with me, who'll leave you to learn, that misery loves company, wait and see. I mean, all right, what, what happened, cock-suckers? What's the giggle about it? Everybody's giggling. I love Tony Bennett. I'm just very proud of you and Doggie. Thank you. And we're, you know, we're doing an Australian tour for the first time. Always. Me and Dice. Come on. October 1st through the 29th, and we'll be all over Australia, a bunch of, I think it's like 18 shows, 17 shows, something like that. And then one. 29 days? Yeah, and one show

in New Zealand. You'll have a good time, man. I can't wait. Neither one of us have ever been. And who else is going? Just you two? His wife, Happy Face, was like a road manager slash ride guard. And then, he has a karate school in Jersey. Yes, yes. Happy's the band. And then who, one other guy might go, I don't know, like a manager or something like that. His manager, Bruce, I think. I think he's going. I don't know. Every day it changes, so we'll say. And you still get on stage every night? Every night I get on stage. Where, even if it's like a stinky one, I still do that. I don't care. Like some guy came up to me at the improv last night. He's like, hey, you ever do a bar show? I'm like, hell, yeah. I don't care about not getting paid because

you don't make your money. You make your money on the road, you know. But to come up with new stuff, you got to do those shows and to still feel like alive. You got to do those shows. I mean, and I'll, Adam's great to me at the comedy store. So I get like late night or like a killer opening, like I open the main room. And then I did like an 1145. So it's kind of like, you get the best of both worlds. And I did a 145 the other night in the belly room after the Long Beach and opening the main room. I love that bouncing around, trying to get three, four shows in a night. You can get three. Four is tough. I did nine sets last week. Three I could do. Three I could do. It's just driving in a night. Yeah, I could do three in a night. Yeah, it's just the driving part.

Four is fucking tough. Four is tough. Like if you have the laugh factory on a Monday and the comedy store open, Mike, you got those two covered. So you got to pop two more so you catch the ha ha. I haven't been there in a while. You catch the ha ha contest tonight and you catch flappers. Oh, flappers? Yeah, there's always an open mic. I forgot about that. So you go to the laugh factory, didn't jump up here and do those two and then go to the comedy stores open till two. What about the improv? Could you do the improv too? Could you do all like five or six? Yeah, well, he's just taking Monday. I used to do triple crowns on Monday. I got like three triple crowns. We used to be Freaky Monday. So white people go from eight o'clock to eight forty.

When do you go up? Oh, your wife. This is when they did that. They don't do it no more. They don't do it no more. They do that Freaky Monday. I feel like I remember that name. It was David Tall in Pablo Francisco and Doug Stan and Chris, the guy from Friday. It was a great show on Monday nights. Yeah. Now it's hosted by somebody else, great kid from Chicago. Hold on. That does all the hoodies with the blue eyes. Mike. Whatever. But they only put three comics on and they're all black. Yeah. Yeah. You know, unless you want to submit yourself to that fucking torture on a Monday night, it's back. I do do a lot of black shows. Yeah. Everybody's on the phone. Yeah. You know what? With the black phones, with the black for black phones,

with the black rooms, I always tell people to be last a minute. Have you ever done the Sandman Will on a Wednesday for the laugh factory? No. I just did that last week. My boyfriend screaming laugh. I saw him pacing in the back because he saw me sweating. What is it? It's mixed. It's a two hour drive. It's predominantly black, but it is mixed. But it's like real, the worst of every mix. Does that make sense? Like they're yelling out. Yeah. They were yelling out. They were yelling at me. Gabriel, get off the stage. Yeah. They make dice shows look. Yeah. No, no, no. I won't go down there. I was sweating and I had to do 30 minutes. Hey, for 30 minutes, I'll do the drive, man. I did enough of those. Well, see, you're, yeah,

you're, I didn't, I'm still paying. I fucking, I used to drive to Chino for 40 bucks on Sunday. This is good money though, because it's the laugh factory. Yeah. Please, man. I used to drive to fucking San Bernardino for fucking shit money and all these things. I developed in the Latino rooms. I was very lucky because there was dirty Mexican rooms. I'm very fortunate because I was down 1145 at the spot. That spot's always going to be there. So now I got his choice. I can sit at home and do nothing or go make 80 bucks for some blow. I would hit, I would hit Casa Latina and pick up 40 and hit Felipe's room and pick up 40. There you go. You know the store? Should we be right there? Pick up a 50. Boom. You got 30 left off, I guess. Yeah, you know. Does it give you anxiety?

What? Does it give you anxiety? Cause like I've gone out of like a few times in the last few weeks with you and like, you'll say I got 1050. You'll get there at 1045 and there are 30 minutes behind. Yeah. Like it would give me anxiety knowing actually I was supposed to be at the store and, and you didn't even have a cell phone. So you could probably go and call and be like, hey, am I, is it cool if I'm late? Like, does that happen a lot where you miss? Yeah. At the store, I always know they're going to be late or I'm going to walk in and they're going to go, thank God you came. We have no comics. Yeah. Okay. So you always have a 20 minute window at the store. Okay. So that as long as they, you know, when I was coming up, you always had Dice, Mooney or

Eddie Griffin on stage where they were bumping three nights a week. Yeah. So you always knew that. So you called at nine and they said, he griffons here. I'm going to take my time with Philippe. Don't even bother. Yeah. Don't even bother to about one. You just know, you just know how to time them. So look, what would happen? Let's say you had a spot, didn't call in and just missed it. Like, do you get, do you not get brought back? The comedy store, if you have a spot, you miss it? Nothing. Nothing. I call the next day and apologize. You fell asleep, you know, whatever it is. You were tied, you got caught in traffic, whatever. You know, you just, there's a lot of clothes that won't fucking tolerate. The last fact, you won't tolerate it. Yeah. I've had it

cancel at the store, like for like, if filming runs too long or something, you know, and that's, they don't get pissed. They don't get pissed. And the lab factory, I guess I haven't canceled on them yet. I go, if they bumped me, I leave and then they get pissed off of me. They won't give me a spot for a month. Really? I've already been bumped a thousand times. I'm not doing it. And every time I go to the lab factory, Dane Cook goes to bump it because they put me on last. So he doesn't want to go on last. So he bumps me. I leave. I don't give a fuck. They don't do that at the store no more. Nobody comes in to bump anybody like that. And if they do, they do 15 minutes. I don't mind. Your apple toad has been coming in. Yeah. And he'll do 15. Yeah. And they get off stage. Not doing

an hour, two hours. Listen, man, my, uh, it was a long time without the store. I really appreciate it again. I got the appreciation I got when I remember being out there one night at one o'clock in the morning. I'm waiting. Like in those days, that was the last. No, no, no. If there were spots still two, but she would give me one in the morning. And I'm sitting out there one night talking to Dave Tyree and going, here I am at one in the morning. He goes, I guarantee if they put that sign up spots at the comedy store one in the morning, they'd still get a hundred signatures. How lucky are you? You know, how lucky am I? That's how I look. I'm very fortunate, man. That's right. You know, and I went into a laugh factory. He told me, he told me to leave, buddy.

You don't belong in this town. You belong in a nightclub. What? You're the nightclub comedian. You're dirty. People love you in Las Vegas, but they love Vegas. I didn't do it. I didn't listen to him. No. The improv made me a regular, but the comedy store, she loved exactly what the fuck we were doing. Yeah, because she loves it all different, all different. Like you can never look at the lineup and go, oh, all these people are the same. They're all different. You might go in them. Brian Shell might be up there doing impersonation development for the main room. She'd have that Janice Hart swinging shit around her neck. What was the fact check? What was the Italian check from Boston? Oh, Cheryl Vendetti. Where is she? She said she

just got married to a woman and she's doing great. She just bought a house in Studio City. Cheryl Vendetti's still around. She's doing comedy. I think so. I think she does a cooking show, comedy cooking show, something like that. Favement together. I know Favement does too, but I think Cheryl does. I don't know. I have to look that up. I could have messed that up. It's just amazing the people that went through there. But she was a great girl. Yeah. I went through there with a lot of great people, a lot of shitty people to go up there. Yeah. I just told her already on the phone, I don't know how you feel. I think I'm going to get them on the show next week. I think right now I go to the best working comic, the Sebastian

Menoscalco. Wow. Interesting. I think he's made me fucking pee the last three weeks in there and it's hard to make me laugh at this point in the fucking game. I agree. He's made me fucking laugh. He's so overly animated. I love it. I can't. I like that kind of shit. He's Andrew Meets Dane Cook. Yeah. He's Andrew Meets Dane Cook. But he definitely found himself. He found himself. But for a while he was. And that's what makes him funny. Yeah. That's what makes him very funny is that he found himself. That material is for him. He knows the fucking thing about the chipotle, the meat and the cheese. Ow. Look. The bouncing. The bouncing. I fucking died. You know little things like that. My niece is 12. She loves him because they can watch it. And he don't curse.

He doesn't curse. He bounces around. He's silly. You know that's weird. I never realized he was clean. Yeah. Ish. He can be dirty. He can be dirty but he won't. Okay. He prefers. If they pay him big money he'll be cleaning and then go back to that. That's crazy because some comics when they're cleaning you like really have you notice it. I never noticed with him. He's the second guy I'm impressed with the most. Who's the first? You. I love that. You know what that bro. When I met Sebastian he was like Vito. And when they brought Vito over he was half retarded. Remember he wouldn't. He kept singing that song on with those shirt on the fucking old thing. What?

And the Godfather too. That's what I'm like. When they brought Vito over he was retarded at first. Later on he blasted. Somebody sucked his dick and he got crazy. Of course. But when they first brought him familiar. Who knew? I didn't know the backstory. Remember when he had the fucking measles and they put him in the room by himself and he was singing out the window. Then he got his dick sucked and his dick sucked and the autism jumped right out of him. The autism. That's what gets you. Get one of those nine year olds to get his dick sucked real good. He was pinning a dollar to Mary and that was it. And that fucking autism jumped right out of you like a fucking. He just lumps away. What does he do? He just creeps away the fucking. And we wonder

why not hire in the iTunes charts. Why? Because suddenly the autism right out of him. I think it all sucked my dick. iTunes, the autism people. I don't give a fuck. Why? Let me give a shout out to some beautiful people here. Darrell, Marriott, William McGrath, I love you, Clark Sucker, Michelle El Nino, Michael El Nino, who the fuck knows. Adam Rose, Peter Kendrick, James Middlewich, Lando, Ray Dean, podcast, Brandon O. And Jared Chorizo, I don't know. I want to give you a shout out. That's it. That's all that's going on. That's very nice. Who are these people?

Nice people that, you know, they listen to the podcast, they subscribe, they always make a nice comment. So I try to make that day by telling them I acknowledge them. You know, I love that idea. You listen. Thank you for fucking supporting us. We use this type of language. We talk about ISIS armpits. Not everybody likes this, you know what I'm saying? People will listen to Lawrence Walt would never turn this show on again. No, I'm not going to talk about it. La Cansioneta. I'm here in this fucking room. They killed my mother. They killed my father. They killed my brother. And they sent me on a fucking boat and shit. He got the autism sucked out of him. That's amazing. What do you have to do to get the ISIS armpit out? I don't know. You have to take that.

No, that's a good. I know there's like a sexual thing. Bro, I don't even think ISIS exists. What? I think it's bullshit. I was looking at the tape playing the YMCA. I was on the Epileptical and I'm watching this thing go down. Epileptical? If you're going to chop my head off, I'm going to run. You're going to catch me. They just sit there like fucking dummies like, all right, chop my head off. And they got an orange robot. You know, it would take nine of those fucking stinky fucks to put a robot on me. And after you made me kneel down, if I know you're coming with a hot knife, you don't have to catch me and cut my fucking head off. Don't you think they drug them or something? People don't move. I think they drug them. They're just sitting there

like fucking like one of Jerry's kids. They don't know what the fuck's going on. They're just sitting there like in a fucking chair. We just dropped down again on the iTunes. Who gives a fuck about iTunes? I don't give a fuck no more. What's in your heart? I would like Wolf Blizzard to be like, and now we are special corresponded to Joe Ideas in Iraq. Those fucking assholes aren't real. Fuck the ISIS. Fuck Iraq. What am I going to do? I'm only one. I agree. I can't go to war with everybody. But you're right. It would take a lot more. They would have to draw. They definitely drug them because I would flip the fuck out. They just sit there like, get ready for you. I'm a street fighter, man. Okay. I'm not going to move. What? This motherfucker show up with this black

mask. I'm doing something. Unless they tie my feet. What are you going to do? Tie both? I'll fucking run for it and give him an elbow. I'll do something. I'll bite that motherfucker. You could stab me 18 times. I'm fat. I don't give a fuck. But I don't believe they just sit there. That's why I think those tapes, bro, we have it. You know what? I'm not a conspiracy theorist. We never saw Obama been alive and we don't know he did anything. We don't know nothing. We know they show us films. We know they show us films. Look at this fucking flight went down. Nobody said nothing. Now we realize the Russians shot it down. Really? And people still ain't saying none. That flight that was missing all summer. That was the Russians who shot that down.

Well, did you see that? Another one of their plans went down Malaysian Airlines? Yeah, that's the kiss of death. Russia's all they're just shooting them at will. It's like a fucking TV game for them. What's that? These white kids, they buy those games. They sit there. Granddad, daughter. Granddad, look at me. I'm stealing a car. Russia said, fuck it. Let's just shoot down a bunch of Malaysians. What do you got? 2000 left? How many people are left in Malaysia? Go look at their population. What do they got? 10 fucking Malaysians? I'll give you a dollar. Tell me the last time you met a fucking Malaysian. A dollar, I'll give you. When was the last time you met a fucking Malaysian? I really don't know. Every time they leave, the Russians shoot them down.

They plan to leave at 10. Get the fucking machine ready. 29 million. And I don't know not one fucking Malaysian. And they keep getting the fucking planes. I don't know one Malaysian. I was trying to think of it, but then I figured I was Polynesian from like the Chinese restaurants, but Polynesians complete. I know. Get an island. I know. I figured that out. How many people are in Polynesia? I don't know. Let's find out. Are you googling this? Yes. Wow. We don't fuck around. I know. This is impressive. We get right through it. He really does. I'm sorry. You know, these Malaysian people, I don't know these people. I don't know. I don't know these people. 2 million for Polynesia. Oh, that went down. That dropped a lot. There used to be a Polynesian

restaurant called the Maikai. Delicious. Spare ribs. That's what my friend used to call the bartender, the little karate chop for five bucks. What? For five bucks. Roger Holloway, the Irish man. He would be talking to you in mid-conversation with Bartender Walker when he'd go, Charlie. The guy would bend and go, ha! He went to one. Here you go. They had to go away until he talked to you a little bit more. The Polynesian was named Charlie? That guy's name was Charlie. Nice. And at the chance dragging in, he was a Chinese-Chinese guy, and his name was Harry. Oh. They were trying to whitewash him. They always whitewash. They always have Harry, Jackie. I don't eat their food. None of it. None of it. The entire Orient. No sushi? Nothing. I don't

trust them. Dog, I love Chinese. I don't know. Maybe if you get to Australia. Yeah, I would be real sick. And I'm going to lose a lot of weight. What do you know, sir? Can you ruin me? You're not going to eat shit. Don't they have good Chinese food in Philly? I don't know. I wouldn't go there. You don't eat shit. Since when don't you eat Chinese food? Since I'm born. Since when? Why is this? I don't know. Maybe my dad was in Korea or something. I don't know. I don't eat that shit. So your whole family ate Chinese food? Some of them do, but we don't. It's not like a thing. We never had Chinese night. I don't know why. What a shame. What a fucking shame. For Irish, we like bland food, you know? You would break Steve Simone's heart right now. Yeah, I know.

I love that bit with the thing, but he grew up in the suburbs. They know where to go. I mean, we have Chinatown in Philly, in the center city. I went there before. I didn't eat nothing. You don't eat the spareribs or nothing? What was the last time you ate pork fry rice? Never. I don't eat rice. At all. Steamed rice. No. Since when? Since I'm never. I've never. What about Mexican rice? My brother Billy told me that the rice were maggots. What about Mexican rice? He said they turn into that in your stomach. Nope. Never had it. Oh my goodness. I never even had. Well, I used to eat hot dogs until we were like me, Billy and Bobby. My brothers were fighting over. There was two and then we, you know, flipped for it and me and Bobby won and Billy didn't and Billy's

like a terrorist. So he watched me boil these things and I was, I don't know, eight, nine. And I was boiling it. My mom was sleeping because she had 10 kids and she was raising us by ourselves so she was out like a fucking lie. And we were just up and like, it was like three in the morning. I was making them and as I was about to eat it, Billy, my brother Billy was like, be careful. You don't bite a vein. And I was like, what? He goes, you know, that's like a cow's dick. And I was like, are you kidding? And that was it. Me and Bobby threw up and he ate both of our hot dogs. And I never have one since, since that day. No, I'm really fucking retarded. So what do you eat? I eat plain, very plain chicken. Yes. I eat

steak. I eat meat. Yeah. Like a burger, cheeseburger. You take good care of yourself. You don't need to. Rice is like a really empty calorie. It's not about I eat pasta, tons of pasta. It's not about because I like sweets. Like I rode my bike to Santa Monica to get a pumpkin pie donut at Dunkin Donuts. I don't fuck around. You know what I mean? I'll do that. I also ate an entire ice cream cake the other night. I have problems. What kind of ice cream cake? Carvelle. Don't fuck around now. Come on. I bought one for Mercy's birthday. We all fucking divided. You know, look, it was this big. I ate the whole thing. You might have kicked you out if you just said something other than Carvelle. No, no, because basket's round and ain't bad. Okay. I don't like

the basket round. My about Dice's wife had that for her mom's party and and Max, they both just had birthdays and it was that praline. She started fucking around. Carvelle cake is to die for from Rouse, right? He and Sherman all got them. All of them got them. Yeah, but then you can get the little one. I ate it all by myself. I think we still have half none because it wouldn't have gone. That was so fucking good on her birthday. We tore that shit up. Carvelle, I grew up on that. Did Mercy get any of it? Didn't Mercy get any of it for you? No, it was her birthday. It was her birthday. When's her birthday? January 8th. Oh, okay. Elvis. So we made it last, yeah. It's just like Ranizizi's son. Yeah. So we made it last last year. We said

it for her birthday and we're thinking of doing a birthday party. She had to track in the middle of the track. You can have a party like we went. Really? Yeah. So get a Carvelle cake, get some pastrami, get some fucking Cuban food, some pork, some black beans and rice and throw down the circle. I'll eat the cake. Yeah. It's going to be during the week. Her birthdays are going to Thursday or something. I'm at the Melrose Improv at Saturday night. So we haven't decided for a two-year birthday. I don't know where the fucking throw the party at. That's great. Two year, huh? You don't think there's fucking people with kids, you know? I'll leave that on. Lauren has, you remember Lauren Peltz, my best friend. She has two kids. She'll be three?

Huh? No, no, no. She left. She left because she got pregnant and they have two kids now and her, her son is named Jedi and people make fun of her. But I love it. I think it's cool. Jedi Xavier Fishman. He's so cute. And that is, he's like Star Trek Wars. Which one is it? Who's Jedi? Star Wars. Thank you. He's a Star Wars Jew. She doesn't work. Where is she working? She helps with her husband. He's a producer. He puts TV shows on the internet. Okay. And he has a huge company and has a ton of shows and stuff that he does work with LeBron James. They have a bunch of shows that were nominated for web leads. Like that's the web so thing. Yeah, yeah. So Danny has a huge company and Lauren helps with him. But for the most part, she's got two kids,

you know? She's got under one and a two and a half year old. Top fucking ages dog. Yeah. What's up, Leigh? Look at the shape. I was thinking, I was thinking you were going to have Mercy go out, go beat up Jedi Xavier. Why? He hates that name. I can just tell. Tell me the truth. Do you hate it or do you like it? What's the name, Jedi? I don't give a fuck. Don't listen to that. Jedi Xavier, danger Fishman. Dangerous is middle name. Let's have a play date then. Let's make them fight each other. Fuck it. Come on. He's a big kid. Plus it's Peltz's kid. She don't get offended. I don't want my daughter in that world yet. And she's still, I was thinking about tonight.

I was looking at her drawing, you know? And I think about my mom. Like my mom was a great mom on a lot of avenues. But one thing my mom took from me was that innocence from like seven to ten. Like I wasn't that innocent anymore. Like I was already doing fucked up shit. Sure. That kids that age didn't do. And she didn't give a fuck. And that's why I don't giggle. I'm not a giggling type of guy. I don't react to that shit. You know, they just, I don't want to take that from mercy. All that fighting and all that. That's bullshit. I don't want that. Yeah, but it was a different time, I think. It was a different time. Because I have a nephew that's just turned 14. And my mother says 14, there's no way that kid's 14. You know? I mean,

we just grew up in a different time. Now you can do that. Keep their innocence. You can coddle them a little more. I mean, they're kind of pussies now, but you know, they're still. Pussies, yeah. Not that you want to coddle them. I wanted to save that. Yeah. I lost that at seven or eight. Easily. Not that I was, I was a light. I lost my life virginity. Not my sexual virginity. I lost my life virginity at a younger age. Usually people lose that 15, 16. Yeah. Their life virginity, where they see a little bit more than the rest of the kids. I lost that at eight. At eight, I really had shit in my head. I shouldn't have. I was smoking at nine. Whole blown smoking. We just were. We were robbing out of the supermarket. We would have

competitions who could steal the most. I mean, like we were like retarded. Now, where's your dad? Your dad and mom went together? My parents split up. How old were you? Eight or nine. It was like right in between. Your dad remarried? Yes. He only moved like five blocks away. He was right there. He just didn't really give a shit. Yeah. All right. Are you guys tight with me? Yeah, we are. We are tight. Like I make fun of them a lot, but I did have to work for them every day from fourth grade all the way to 12th grade in the typewriter store because my mom had to go get a real job because typewriters weren't paying the bills and he wasn't paying child support. And there was 10 kids. So the older half just started working after school. And then we were like, Oh, what do we do?

You know, so we got in trouble a lot. But then he would make us come to the typewriter store and we would like have to sweep up or answer the phone and things like that. Like we had jobs. We had jobs to do. Not chores. You grew up middle class. Lower middle class. I would go even lower. And that's that's like a class that's been taken out of this country. Pretty much. Yeah. I don't know. We would be poverty stricken now, I guess. It's amazing how much things have changed. How hard it is for a family of four. Yeah, two children and a parent and a wife. How hard it is. Can't go to Laker games. Dodger games are out of your future unless you get beat up. I never did that. And people are like, How come you don't go to games? Because we can't afford that. And my

mom worked for the Phillies and the Eagles. That was her second job. How did Christmas even work? It was insane. It was an I don't know how she did it. I really, really don't. I like because she would make it like it was the best people would come to our house and be like, This is the best everything. And we didn't really have much. Sometimes she would buy ship from a fire sale. But we would turn it into because we were a little creative, like, you know, change it up a little bit. And then wow, this is the best game ever. And she was like, I didn't even think it worked like that, which it probably didn't. But that's what we did. So we would just like turn things around. We had the best time. All my brothers and my older brothers and sisters

are so creative. That's insane. Like they love to make costumes and shit like that. Like my sister Karen makes amazing costumes. And she designs all of the costumes for my nieces that because they she's a dancer. And so she makes all her costumes and always has like her whole life. She's amazing with that. And then they would win every Halloween costume. They would go up center city or go up South Street and win like $5,000, $10,000 on all these prizes. Because they were good like that. They just turn it into something. It's really amazing when you grow up, not having a lot of things. Yeah. You figure out how to make something out of nothing.

Out of nothing. And you figure out. And I was very fortunate growing up. My mom always had money till my mom died. And then I was drawn to the avenue where you grew up. I got to see it. I got to see three kids in the house and how they acted. And what I thought was life. What I thought was just three kids liking each other. Yeah, I know. I didn't know that we were fucking side. You know, when you're pulling a knife out of one brother's hand so he don't stick it in the other brother's eye, it's a fucking problem. But that's what we did. That's it. You would make yourself crazy like that. It's really amazing that you, when you talk to people, you could tell who grew up wanting and who grew up, you know, looking down like, you could tell in a way like

when I talk about a child, a rough childhood, I'm not talking about you getting fucked in the ass by the priest. I'm talking about a rough childhood when you come home at five and there's nobody home because they're both working. Yeah. That's a rough childhood. Everybody's working. Make your own fucking sandwich till seven and fend for yourself till seven. And we love it as kids. But think about it. We all rather come home and have your mom waiting for you with an apron on. And my mom would have loved that. Yeah. My mom would have loved that. Your mom didn't work for a little bit, but then for most of my childhood, no. And then when you got home at three, she was there. Yeah. My dad, my dad worked nights. So he was there a lot too. Oh, wow. Because he was

cookies ready to rub your feet. My mom was. My dad worked downstairs. But I don't, I almost don't want to even bring it up. But we're talking about kids. What do you think about like that Adrian Peterson shit? Well, I mean, honestly, if you're hitting, we got our asses kids. Dude, my father, I don't get it. I don't understand with belts, buckles. I mean, cars. My dad would hit my dad was fucking Marine. He was crazy. Like this is hilarious. We just didn't have the capability of an iPhone to wrap them out as a this fuckers hitting me. Can't do that. That's what they did. The kid ratted them out. Other than a couple spankings, I was very lucky. I never really got my mom to hit us with a wooden spoon. Remember that.

So what you're telling me is in place aside, you cannot hit your child. If you lay a hand on your child, the cops are going to come. Yes. If you grab your child and go, you cannot fucking stick your foot fight. Yeah, you cannot stick your fucking fork in the electrical outlet. You're going to jail if she presses charges. I guess little shit. It sounded like the way I heard it described in the news was like the law is it's basically like based on what the community thinks. So there's no like set law like you can't you can't do the stick, but you can do the boulder, just the hand. It's like based on wherever that that jury thinks is over the line. I do think he took it a little too far. I mean, the thing is, is like when you're getting hit,

and I believe my dad took it too far, but we weren't going to say anything. He's a big fucking guy. He's got a lot of weapons. We didn't say anything. But there was times where like my brother Jimmy couldn't go in to Christmas dinner at my aunt's house because my dad beat him up so bad. And he was, you know, I mean, literally like he was a street fighter. So you know, it's I don't agree with what the man did. No, but I'm saying, you know, I think it's just everybody does it. I just don't know that everybody gets caught if he wasn't a political figure with anybody even care or know about it. No, it happens all the time. It sucks. The wife, the Ray Rice thing. I was talking to my mom about that. And I was like, what did you think? You know, did you see the video? And she's like,

you know, she goes, she hit him like 30 times. Not that I agree that he should hit her back, but still she did hit him a lot. And my dad taught me never hit anybody unless you expect to get hit back, no matter who or what it is. If it's a dog, if it's a man, if it's a whatever, you're going to get hit back. So I was like, all right, I'm, I believe what my dad said. I was talking to my mom, and she told me that a long time ago, she was pregnant with one of the older brothers and sisters, and she got mad at him and she was hitting him. And I go, you hit my dad's a big guy. And I go, you hit him? What did he do? She goes, he didn't do anything. He was seating. She goes, he literally was foaming at the mouth. And he was like, if you hit me one more time, I'm going to hit you. And

she goes, go ahead, I dare you. And I go, damn, you got bought. This guy's crazy. Like, he joined the Marines so he can kill people and not have to go to jail for it. Like he's a little off. You know what I mean? And she's like pushing his buttons. I thought it was great. That's what women do. Exactly. But I said, I almost called my dad and said, Hey, man, thanks for not hitting her back. Shit. Well, you know, I want to stab Terry every other fucking day, too. But you know, that's what love is. No, but she might as well hit me when she don't turn the

light off. I told you 10 times, turn that fucking light off in the hallway. I can't watch TV when you got on. And that's when you fucking hit me. How many times do I tell you to turn this light on? What are we fucking telling you? It's amazing how many times. What do you think it is? Because it's funny, because that's like a simple thing. And then I have friends that fight over a car seat being moved up and back. Oh, no. Okay. So it's like, do women just not retain it? Or do they just not think about it? Because it's always the girl who doesn't do the thing. I don't know what the fuck's on her mind.

I don't fuck a kid. I don't ask her. She's chasing a baby around before the fucking game. Oh, okay. Sorry, Terry, I tried to help you out. Turn the fucking light off in the balcony. We need Terry to call in and talk about her side of the team. The fucking nights I come home with the balcony light is on. I turn the bathroom to pee and the lights on the back and I'm like, people can't fucking sleep. She forgets. She forgets. I don't like repeat. I grew up in a house that they tell you one fucking time. I grew up in a society where people tell you one time, leave them if they don't park there. Yeah, and that's it. You don't park there. That's not why. Why not? It's a free country. All right, then park there.

Your car's on fire. Your car's on fire. Well, I didn't mean to. I told you not to park there. Who the fuck are you to question anything? Just park next to it. Park around the corner. Don't give a fuck where you park. We just told you don't fucking park there. Don't worry about who or why. It's a free country. There's no free. There's no fucking free. On this neighborhood. On this fucking neighborhood. We're free. Ain't no fucking free. My brother, Jimmy's wife, she leaves all the house lights on. I don't know why. Like she'll go in every room and it's just a little row home. You know, it's not a big elaborate, but it's every and he goes, Hey, Madison Avenue. Yeah. What the fuck? My wife will tell you a story at the park for 10 minutes and not look at Mercy.

Mercy's over there running. She's telling you. So Jen, Terry, I don't give a fuck about Jen. That's what I give a fuck about. Look at that right there. Don't take your fucking eyes off her. All right. And she'll look at me like I'm crazy. Don't take your fucking eyes off her. No story that you have to tell me is as interesting as that little thing running over there. And if you do want to tell me a story, tell me the story. Just look that way. Right. Look that way. You can tell me whatever fucking story you want 20 times. I don't give a fuck. I'll listen. I'll jump up and down. But look that way. Don't look at me. Take care. And every time she'll tell me a story, I go, Terry, look that way. That's so funny. It's fucking drives me crazy. You got to watch these kids.

Dogs. Definitely. You know, I'm all fucking school, man. Dogs come out of nowhere. That's funny. You say that's exactly how I feel. I'm terrified of that. I'm petrified for her because it fucked my world up for five or six years when I started getting bit by dogs. You create this fear and then you get animals. And if I wasn't intelligent enough to overcome it on my own when I was like seven, it would have followed me. I was like 30 because you're not you have this fear of a certain fucking thing. So I put it together when I was like eight or nine that the more I tightened up around them, they were gonna bite me. When I loosen up, they won't bite me. So do you know how hard it is at a young age to have fear? But to keep it cool. Most people can't. You can't do it until you're 16,

17. But I had to put it together. None of us are gonna keep getting fucking big. You know what I'm saying? Keep your eyes on the fucking kid, Terry. Don't look at me. I don't give a fuck about Tennessee or who's playing the guitar for Led Zeppelin. Ain't got nothing to do with me, dog. It really don't look straight the fuck ahead. Don't take your eyes off the fucking kid. She's in my prayers. She's in my fucking prayers. I'm careful about Tennessee. Yeah, they tell you all these. Is that where she's from? No. Yeah, they want to tell you like all these. I don't give a fuck. Listen, come here. Let me tell you something. I told you 10 years ago, I'm gonna tell you again. I don't give a fuck. If my weed ain't on fire and my sneakers are fine. I don't give a fuck. My sneakers

are fine. I can't wait to kind of have a conversation with Mercy. Like like three or four ones like you can actually go back and forth. I can't wait. That's gonna be an Emmy award-winning show. Please, that's my girl. That's my little Irish woman. I'm trying to raise her to be a killer. Me and my boyfriend fight over saying sneakers. What's his boyfriend? How many months you've been with him? A little over a year. Really? Look at Alan on his shoe. Uncle Ronnie. But he, we fight over because he says tennis shoes? Fucker tennis shoes. Sneakers. Sneakers. He grew up in Atwater. He's a hood rat. Poor thing. By the way, that retard, you broke his heart. He's never been the same. Which one? Rickon. Oh my god. Oh, man. I didn't break his heart. He broke his own

heart. That fucking Momo on Twitter. He talks so much shit, man. I had to ban him or whatever it's called. Are you blocking him on Facebook? Yeah, because he was writing nasty shit about kids. You know, hey man, you can write whatever the fuck you want about dice or wheels. Say it to her face. Let them fucking fight you. They're old enough. But don't talk about the kids, man. Their kids didn't do shit to you. They can't, they're not responsible for whatever fight you had with him 20 fucking years ago. I think about three weeks ago I decided that there's a mental health issue there. No, he's fucking crazy. At the Twitter guy? Yeah, he's a good friend of mine. And he was funny. He was here. He was here a month ago. I know. I was out. I was in La Jolla.

Thank god. He was here. Yeah, because I would have beat him up. Looking for a spot that they were gonna, they didn't give him a spot that his name was on the wall. And I'm like, you see that, you said that earlier. Just because you got passed, you got to stay relevant, man. You can't just get passed and think it's over. You made it. No, she won't do these stuff. You got to work hard, man. You can't just tag out and go for six years and, you know, come back after eight years. I'm going to be nice, but I'll skip a lot. But I'm saying like, come back and just think, oh, everybody, the sea should park because you were funny eight years ago on stage. No, fuck that. I don't even know who they were. He say he even told me himself because he didn't call me because

he knew I would say, why are you here? Yeah, because I would never, you know, it's a constant. I love him. I love that kid. But it's a constant. If you have a, it's a cigarette. It's a lighter. If you have a rolling paper, do you have a toothpaste? What? You have a toothbrush? No, no. You know, if you pick them up, if you pick them up, you're stuck with them because the house he was supposed to stay at when you get there at two in the morning, they're not going to be there. Yeah, nobody's home. They don't leave McKee. Now you're stuck with them and it's a whole weekend and you really want to go with somebody? Well, oh, I lost my one on the plane. Now you get a cigarette, money, it's nonstop. And he would call me and say, Tommy, just offer me the weekend

lawyer. And I tell him, there's no reason for you to come out here. Plain tickets, 800, you're getting five. Yeah. You got three kids. Exactly. You can't lose 800 because you want to come in and relive the fucking glory days. He's in New York. Yeah. And he's in New York. He's in such a bad spot. They're going to put witness relocation there. He's with the services. I used to try to talk to him. I tried to. He got cuckoo for cocoa puffs and I said, fuck this, man. No, and now he's not working. How do you not work when you have three children? I see him on Twitter. He was working at the furniture store. That's done. And then he got fired from the bar, the county place. He was too funny for everybody. Yeah, he was so too funny.

Usually when you're too funny, they ask you to leave. They ask you to leave. So no, it's a fucking work in progress. You know, we've been through a lot, you know, whether I'm on Rogan's podcast or somebody's here, we always talk about the store. I'm sure you people at home sit there and go, what the fuck? What are they? It's our training ground, guys. Yeah. It's our gym. It's our connection to one another, whether it's myself and Dyson Joe and wheels and wheels with his goatee. Takes him an hour to cut that thing. Got the goatee put selfies of himself. Selfies are too much. I lost 48.8 pounds. Look out for me. He really did lose like 150 pounds, but I don't need the selfies. I told him, I said, I'm gonna unfollow you. Flexing his arm. One more selfie and I'm

unfollowing. Flexing his arms. You can see his tricep. Nobody needs to see that fucking abuse. Leah, how you feeling? How's it going? You ain't high enough, though. We got to eat this. Yeah, your eyes are still open. Let's kill this motherfucking Chibo Chulis. I don't think it's Monday cop sucker. Get it together here. We got Brea this weekend. How you gonna act? Yeah. How you gonna act on Brea all weekend? People wait for you? Do you do stand up? No. I got your hotel room for Friday night. Wow. You know what I'm saying? You're in Brea this weekend. It's over. And there's other companies are coming down. We got stockings of Cape pre-it. See? Look at you. This is over. You got a Cape for me. I'll come down. Cape. I'm gonna fuck around

with you. When I tell you today in the text message, when I text you and going down heavy, that's it. No more games. No more half pieces of Chibo Chulis. We're going for whole pieces of the Wednesday night. It's all over. You got to get into a reef-ish shape. Do you live walking distance? No. Well, kind of, but I'll try. This is Lisa. Yeah, this is the man. He don't give a fuck. It's too hot to be walking. I don't know. Who's gonna walk? No, I agree. It's hot. I don't have air conditioning either. I love back to you. You don't have air conditioning where? I don't like air conditioning. What? And I don't have air conditioning in my apartment. It was one of the big selling points for me. How do you, how do you live? No selling points, no rice,

no ice cream. Ice cream's in. Ice cream's good. Any candy, cake, ice cream, sweets, all that shit. What's the deal with fucking air conditioning? What air conditioning can I ever do to you? It gets, it gets, look, I'm freezing. People think I passed away. It's freezing. It's in my bones. I ain't got no iron in my blood. It's 100 degrees outside. It's all right. 10 PM. How do you sleep at night? No, I don't sweat. I glisten. You glisten. Do you have a fan? Yeah, I have a couple fans. I've let them walk out there. Why would he gain room, but you still have Christopher? He moved back to Massachusetts. So you still live in the same place? No, I move. I'm like by the Beverly Sound. How long did you live there for at that place? Oh my god, me and Chris

lived together for like 12 years. And they raised a rent now. Oh yeah. Remember that place? You lived there too? Oh no, your friend. That's right. Keith lived there. Remember that pool? Oh god, that pool was the best of time. That pool was nice. Me and Freddie, we would go up there, Cory, there's some crazy girl from the Holtzman's building. I forgot her name. The black girl with the hiv? Nah, she has like pretty blue eyes, long brown hair. That was that black girl I took home with me. She had open wounds. She was blowing everybody. Yeah. That black girl with the freckles, she was like a light-skinned sister or the other one. Oh, this wasn't a black girl. This was, I think her name was Psalm or something. I forget. This was a black girl that one night asked me to

give her a ride to a boyfriend's house. She had open wounds? She had open wounds everywhere. Oh no. The fucking hiv was coming out of her fucking, the hiv was coming leaking out of her fucking mosquito bites and shit. She had open wounds on her arms. That's a sin. It wasn't fucking good guys. It was leaking, like when they're leaking and she was looking blow and her toenails weren't done. Like you know when your toenails got the fucking, like somebody, like somebody scratched it like a ticket, like a lottery ticket. That's gross. You get a lottery ticket, you get a scratch on a lottery ticket and then when you scratch on the prize but you leave the sticker around it, that's what her toenails look like. Like somebody had scratched the middle of it

but had left the fucking artificial color around the toes. She was, and I'll tell you what, I love women, but once your toenail polish is fucked up, that's where it ends with Uncle Joe. It's like the opposite of like that William and Joe. Are you a flippetish guy? I'm not a flippetish guy. I don't want you jerking me off with your feet. I don't want to suck your feet. I just want your feet to be fucking done. Clean and, yeah. I don't want you to touch me and it's like your toe has a corn on it that can go through a fucking wall. I don't need that in my life. I want your feet. If you don't have that, let me know beforehand and I'll throw you the yards to go get your toes fucking buffed down. Go get that hoof. I have long toes. I saw that fucking one. You got like a three inch fucking

toe. Her name's Robina. She drives and shit. Yeah, she's fucking big. She's amazing. No, there's some women. I just had to talk my acupuncturist into it. Fuck the aim. You don't pay your tongue else because they never did it. You got to start. I paint them. You got to paint those fucking things. Long ones. No, people don't care if they're long. They, especially guys, they see themselves sucking it. My boyfriend laughs at it. Because he's sucking toes. No, he said that thing's giving me the fingers so long. Oh my goodness. What do you think, Lisa? What's going on with you, baby? What's on your agenda? I'm doing good. Everything all right? What are we going to eat tonight? Are you going to ah-ha with me? Sure. Let's go get fucked up tonight. I'm already fucked up.

Well, let's get some, let's get some of that Michael Jackson oxygen. What do you get? Do you eat at the ha-ha? They have food, right? No, no, no, no. Right next door, there was like a good place. They had like pizza and salads inside. Was it going? That was a while ago. It was good. Really? Yeah. Up the block, up the block. It's like at the corner. In a strip mall. Maybe. I heard that pizza is not bad. Yeah, it was good. It was like good. It was like a kind of healthy-ish but I got it was like the feta and the spinach and all that shit. Feta? I like the feta sometimes. On pizza? Yeah, it was like a specialty. Like you get it. Feta ain't no fucking specialty. You know, what do people call like armpit? Because they're using feta cheese and shit. That makes

your armpit stink. You can ask for it with or without. No, no, in my neighborhood. No, only in L.A. I learned of this feta-spinish. Feta and pizza and the fucking shit. Feta is ruining our country. It's reguette. It's supposed to be reguette. Sometimes you can get both in Vegas. It's killer. Vegas got good pizza. Joe's pizza right across from the hard rock. Vegas got good fucking pizza. But even sparrows. I got a fucking piece of sparrows in Vegas. I don't give a fuck. It's all the same shit. I got to walk around and go to Joe's pizza and take a cab. Two pieces of fucking pizza. It's so good, that one. It's a place of Vegas. It's open till four in the morning. How many points you have left? Not many. 300 calories. That's a slice.

Yeah, but I don't. Two cheese slices? Two cheese slices? No, that's one. A cheese slice is 150. No, it's not. A cheese slice is like 200 to 300. No, it's not. A cheese slice like this big is 150? A cheese slice like that is 150. That is incorrect. Really? Just cheese. Yeah. It's only six points of weight watches. I don't know. I never kept calories. It's 60 calories per point. So it's 240 fucking points in the slice. But I went on, I had pizza yesterday and I went on that fucking, my fitness and I put two slices of pizza and came back with 300 calories. Per? I don't know. Per? It fucks, it fucks, it fucks you when you eat late so I'm trying not to eat past like. How does it fucking, there's no proof for that. That's true. Every

time. Every time. If you eat a salad and an apple at night, you're gonna shit out a tremendous piece of shit. If you eat a pepperoni fucking sandwich. You eat a Carvel cake, you can shit out a lot. I don't know. Trust me. You eat a Carvel cake, you're gonna gain 10 fucking pounds. Still having fucking pounds. You'll be fun. You're gonna be fucking fun. If you eat a Carvel cake. What are you gonna eat? Nothing. I don't eat the Carvel cake. I don't have, what about a turkey sandwich? I'm gonna eat turkey sandwich before you die. But go to Santa Monica for Dunkin' Donuts, Pumpkin Pie Donuts. Is it good? I haven't been there. The Pumpkin Pie Donut is unbelievable. I'm gonna try to go to bed. What I want is. How do you know? He's got the Mexican mariachi band.

She's in the house down there. He's by himself. What are you gonna do in your house by yourself? What does that eat? I don't know. I got something, a couple things. Like what? I got, I found some fried shrimp that are not bad. Calorie wise. So I got those. I want to try those. Fried shrimp. What do you put them in the oven? Yeah, but fried is bad, right? It's like breaded. I don't think it's like breaded in bacon because I don't have a, I don't have a fryer in my house. So how many calories? It's like 240 for like 14 pieces of shrimp. So you could. I might come home with you and eat. Yeah. I bought cocktail sauce. That's only 100 calories for a, like a quarter of a cup. But you don't, you don't need that much cocktail sauce. Look at you. Wow. You got it all figured

out. I've been trying. Look at your little red socks. Well, because I didn't go to the gym for two weeks. So I really didn't want to go back the other way. It's hard out here. You're a bad motherfucker. At least I am proud of you. What's hard out here? There's nothing to eat out here. It's easy out here. No, no, no, no. Not food wise, but being a baseball fan because if you buy the package, like I bought the football package that's only a couple games a week. Like the first time I moved out here, I did the basketball package. You have to watch a game every night because it's so expensive and they don't show anything. Well, no, like there's a sports package, but there's like MLB, you can see every game and they have 160 games. I can't imagine watching 160 games. So I

watched them on ESPN or something. I did it for hockey. Hockey was killer. You guys like hockey? That's the one I don't watch every day. Every day. Dick, I love hockey. I don't want shit no more. I didn't watch football yesterday. Coach won tonight, right? The Eagles won. And last night, who was the Sunday night game? Chicago won. Came back. 49ers. 49ers ain't that tough anymore, huh? A bunch of these younger, they were beating them. They were beating the shit out of them. Well, a bunch of the younger quarterbacks aren't doing that great. Like RG3 got just got hurt again. Broke his ankle, I think. That's amazing. I don't know anything about sports. How fucking sad is that? I thought you did, no? 30 years, it was my life. I don't have fucking time

to sit there anymore. How can you fucking watch a game when you have to write a joke? You write a joke during the game? I feel so bad about doing anything. I feel so bad about doing anything. You know, like when you watch TV, you're like, there's something I could be doing, you know, so. Yeah. I only watch like ESPN. I like to watch those HBO shows. I watch Boardwalk. But if I, I don't, might not make it every week. So like sometimes it gets backed up and I'll see it like I'm a little bit behind. Oh yeah, I watch all that. I love that. Also the news one, John, what's his name? Oh, last week tonight. Oh, I fucking love it. I haven't seen it yet because I, he's mad at me because I have HBO. What's wrong with you? It's expensive. No shit. I don't

have health insurance. I have HBO. Because the guy that went and bought six shrimp for 200 calories. Yeah, there he is. I don't want to get HBO. Get HBO. Get HBO because. What are you going to do? How are you going to fucking live? You see the first Mexican chicks. You want to watch HBO? Yes. They have HBO Latina. Come on. Get it together. What are you saving? 20 bucks? Not even. 15 bucks. It's $15. It's $15. Yeah, but it adds up. What gets the fuck? So there's ass fucking barnacles. What's ass barnacles? So does cocktail sauce. The shit that gets glued up to the side of your asshole. Because even though you're cleaning, it goes into your pores. Yeah. So after a while, the shit that's breaking the spokes starts sticking to the other

thing. You create ass barnacles and you don't see if you get steam clean or some chicken cat tongue licks your asshole or something like that. And you don't like your asshole being licked, huh? No. No. Very strange. Have you ever had your asshole licked? Not even close. That's why you don't like it. No. Let me explain some to you. If you get your asshole licked, you'll be a different fucking man. If I wasn't in a relationship. Oh, I would never let anybody do that. Oh my goodness. An Irish girl, they know how to lick your asshole. They open that motherfucker up and tongue that. Oh, no. And then they squeeze your balls like one of those bicycle horns. It's a fucking party. A bicycle? I'm telling you, they squeeze that motherfucker. They suck that asshole.

When you hear that in your asshole, it's tremendously. And your dick's getting hard. And you don't know what to do. You don't have an anxiety attack. You know what your asshole smells like. You let someone lick that. If I washed it correctly. There's no right way to wash it. Yes, there is. Not that good. You take Irish Sprint and you shove it up your ass and you twist it around like that. Like a fucking thing. You pull that motherfucker out. You take that hot water thing you put in your asshole and you just keep washing. The colon cleanse. And you'll hear it going like you're fingering like something else and fucking. That's a ghetto colon cleanse. Oh, it's not going to be amazing. Mama knows that you got to stick that tongue in your fucking

muffler. You would know what to do. No, I would not. You would have, you would have nervous breakdown. If a chick was sucking your pipe, went down, picked up your nutsack, tickled them a little bit, sucked them. And then just look at them. Look at how he giggles. And then just start a machine done your asshole with her tongue. You would know what the fuck to do. That sounds terrible. No, it's not terrible. Now it didn't freak you out the first time it happened. Fuck no. Oh yes, it did. Why would it freak him out? A cold tongue. I think I'm 50 years old. There's no such thing as a cold tongue. I mean, was she an ice cream first? No, no, no. I had a friend who was a faggot and he said his faggot friend had a cold tongue. That their mouths are cold and they suck your dick.

This is what he told me. But I'm 51 years old. Only two girls are tongue in my asshole. I don't like it either, Lee. But when it happens, you know what's happening. It's only I go out looking for it. What does that mean? When it happens, you know what's happening. When somebody's got that tongue up your ass, you know what's happening. And you're looking up at the ceiling and they're making that noise. Like they got that tongue up your ass. Because when somebody has that tongue up your ass, they make a certain sniff noise. Like they choke them, but not really, you know what I'm saying? What do you do when they're going for a kiss? You kiss them. You lick your own asshole. You're all going to wash your face the same way. Yeah, what the fuck? Lee, this is what your

problem is. You're too uptight. If you don't start taking this girl to the hoop, she's going to leave you for a fucking attorney in two years that pulls her hair and calls her a dirty animal and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? You're over there being nice to her. You should have taken her to a dirty hotel and tied her up and left her there. And gone to the comedy show, then came back and whipped her and called her a dirty Mexican and kicked her in the side and then fucked her like Zapata. Like how was Viva Zapata fucked a Mexican chick? That Mexican chick. They want to run before they get fucked. What was the last time you chased this chick? This is true. Do you have a leash? She's Mexican. You don't chase her at all?

And tell her immigration? You don't chase her and shit like that and punch her in the back? The fuck is wrong with you? You over there? How do you like it tonight? Let me put a no. You got to fucking turn her around and lick her asshole. And once she sees the stars, then she'll repay the favor. Once she's laying there and Spanish music is playing in her head, then she'll say fuck it. I'm gonna lick his asshole back. But you're over there making love to her with flowers and rubbing her down like a half a fact. Who said anything about that? You got to pull her hair and say listen you little fucking green card code bitch. It's all over for you tonight. How fucking you Jewish style? Thank God her mom doesn't speak English. Who gives a fuck? And you go over there

and show your mama dick. When was the last time you did that? Just taking out that little Jew rat and show it to mom, mother in law. Do you speak Spanish? Oh no. They talk shit about you all there down there. This fucking guy was thinking of taking a class. What do you think if I take a class on Monday nights? I said just watch Telemundo. You're not taking no fucking. Yeah, watch Telemundo. You got to take that. You got to grab it next week by the throat. Who are you taking a class? Get a rose out of stone, stupid. Yeah, get a rose out of stone. Let's kill her. Wait, take her by the throat? Yes. Take her by the throat, pin her against the wall. Oh my goodness. And tell her this week we ain't making fucking crepes to Jew dick all weekend long.

That's it. What's for dinner? Jew dick. What's for breakfast? Jew dick. What's for lunch? Jew dick. Jew dick is the only thing on the fucking menu this weekend. Then she'll go home and she'll tell them I don't know what got into him. Jew dick is everywhere. He's a different man. He's crazy. He's not the same. I might leave here. You're shooting Jew sperm all over. You're leaving Lee. I like it, Lee. You all right? Next time she comes up, go look at my foot when she comes up, just kick her in the fucking stomach with me. Oh my God. This is shit you gotta do if you're going to love me. What are you talking about? Look at the Alamo. If you think if you're a nice Alamo, she's gonna stay, you gotta abuse her. Ain't no fucking way. Abuse her. Call an Irish

mallet and shit like that. That's what makes her stay. We don't want to stay because you're giving flowers. We don't want to stay because you're a fucking savage, Lee. I like animals. We can eat. So you eat her pussy, but you don't, you got curious about what goes on in her asshole? Do you sniff it? Do you ever put some nose to that motherfucker? No, I don't. I'm not scared of it, but not only. You gotta sniff it. No, no, no, why? Next week, get your homework assignment. When you eat her pussy, you're gonna go demon, report back to us on Monday night. Oh no. Whatever it smells like. Tell us. That's never gonna happen. Have you even smelt it? Probably. I want you to smell it. No, no, no. I haven't, I haven't gone in. I'm just saying I'm

probably smelt it. Did you smell it just a little bit? No. Did you put your home nose in it? No, no, no. Oh my God. I wanted to smell it. I did not. I didn't do that. That's your homework assignment this week. Oh no. Next Sunday, you gotta say you're 26 years old. You gotta smell somebody's ass. You're 26? And I love you to death. I love you to death. If you're my son, I'd be giving you the same advice because your life's gonna change once you stick your tongue up a woman's ass home. Once your tongue goes an inch up there and you see how they squirm for their life, they start stuttering and shit. Tell them, I don't know. I'm excited about this. I'm just thinking about the son who's being told that and start dating your daughter. I don't know. The first

time you got a tongue up your ass. How did it change you? Did you even know? It did change me. I never understood it and I turned into a different, I turned into a woman. There's no such thing as puberty. This fucking weekend. You're gonna put it on her stomach and it'll push you from behind and then on the way as you're pulling up, you're just gonna make that motherfucking ass like that and make that noise. Yeah, you gotta get all the way in there. You gotta feel the spokes. You gotta feel in there. You gotta feel one of those fucking lumps, something in there. You know what I'm saying? They always got lump in their ass. It's tremendous. I love it. That's so gross. I'm definitely not telling my mom about this. I don't get this. I don't get this

no more. You know, I love your people at home. It's Monday night. What do you want to talk about? Fucking the government. Who gives a fuck? There's nothing we can do about it. It is one of these. Lisa Yats here, Eleanor's here. What the fuck else you want? It's Monday fucking night. September 15th. Have you thought about that? Have you thought that half the fucking month's over and you're sitting there fucking around? Have you gone to get your Christmas club yet? Oh boy. Have you signed up for Christmas club yet? Because Christmas is around the fucking quarter. That's the most important thing. All right. How high are you? I'm fucking high but I'm aggravated. We got to end this off with a fucking bang. Let me get a little reading for

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C-H-U-R-C-H to get your Dollar Shave Club sent right to your fucking door, okay? That's how we do it. I don't know how many times I got to tell you. I've been telling you the same fucking broken for months. And you're still using that piece of shit with the lights and the allos stripping all that bullshit. You're spending too much money. Do me a favor. Cut this shit. Uncle Joey will tell you. Fuck Lee. He don't shave. He wants to be Fiddle Jr. Fuck that cock sucker. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's how we do it. And while we're on it, why fuck around? All right. Listen, you're sitting there. You're paying too much money. You're paying too much money for fucking cable. You're paying too much money for everything if you think about it.

Let me save you some money. Go to huluplus.com and watch shows on your stand, on your fucking schedule, all right? You probably heard of Hulu. You could watch it on anything. And Hulu is so much more. You can watch it on your Roku, Smart TV, Apple TV, Xbox, pretty much any streaming device you own. Go to Hulu Plus to watch tremendous fucking programming, niche programming, criterion collection, animated kids, originals. You can watch Hulu Plus anywhere, anytime. And you know what it is? What? $7.99 a month. Oh my God. Wow. $7.99 a month. And that's what you get from me. You're saying, Joey, I get the same deal in the commercial. But guess what? I'm giving you two weeks for free. I'm the fucking arm.

Because that's how I wrote cock suckers. So go to huluplus.com slash Joey. slash Joey. J-O-E-Y. Get $7.99 a month for original programming. You can watch it on your time. You can binge watch shows. They've got a ton of shows. Revenge, Mistress, The Mindy Project, Brooklyn 99, 7th Heaven, ugly fucking Betty. All those shows for $7.99 a month. But I'm giving you two weeks for free. Go to huluplus.com and press in. Joey. In the box and get what, Lee? Two weeks for free. All right. And $7.99 a month. And also to one of the Betty Six out there in the market. I try them all. HillySix.com. If you're looking to quit smoking, they got 0, 8, 16, and 24 milligrams to quit on your own base. This is the best e-sig on the market.

$1,200 guaranteed bucks. $1,200 all in all. That's amazing. Puff the fucking magic dragon. Can't sink these motherfuckers. You understand me? HillySix.com. Go there right now. Either get the cigar or get one of the nicotine cigarettes or one of the non-nicotine cigarettes and get what? And get 20% off. We use the code word Joey's Church. Joey's Church. 20% of them. HillySix.com. This is the cigar. Next time, why you going to get a cigar? I'm going to tell you to go outside, but you bring this and you're fucking stumped. They don't know who they're dealing with. You understand me? You sit there and you puff on this fucking thing. Tremendous. HillySix.com. HuluPlus. DollarShave.com. Go there right now. Give them the same love you give me.

That's it. What the fuck you want to talk about now? Are you ready for a chiva chew leak? Chiva chew. How about you? No. Somebody asked me if I eat ranch or hummus. No. I don't eat any of that shit. Comfortable fuck their mother in the ass. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Your father's church or what's happened. We don't eat church and hummus. Only this fucking. I like hummus. I don't like ranch. Do you not? You don't eat ranch? So many people eat ranch. They put ranch on pizza. No, no, no, no. She doesn't dip with the wings. What does she dip? She doesn't. She just has the hot sauce. She's Mexican. They don't put ranch on pizza. Oh, no, that's terrible. Who does that? A lot of people do that.

It's disgusting. I'll cut your head off. That doesn't say. Reganel. Some Parmesan. Parmesan cheese. Very nice. That's it. Red pepper cheese. That's fucking strong. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to carry in thank you very much for coming. Where are you at these next few weeks? We're in Vegas. We go to Vegas Thursday through Sunday at the Hard Rock Hotel. No, just this week. And then back here, do a couple gigs around town and then off to Australia.

And you have a website. Take it. Go see. I don't know. I'm doing. I'm getting my website down right now. Thank God. You can do the same website for three fucking years. No, I just started it because I don't know anything about computer. I grew up in a typewriter store. Your hands are cold. Hey, the air conditioner is on in here. Excuse me. It's ISIS. Oh my God. It's ISIS. That's fucking ISIS. Yeah. So yeah, there. The thing will be up soon. The kids working on it right now. How long have you been doing comedy by itself without wages? Without a day job for years? I'm very proud of you. It was scary at first. Oh, you have no fucking idea. You have to take a chance and dig deep and believe in yourself, don't you? Yeah, because I was like,

I'm like, back pay on rent, shit like that. Like he would let me skip like that. God willing. I'm just going to be thankful. Yeah, because he's a good guy. This was this place I live now. It's not like a corporate shit. It's like an individual owner. And so he was cool as she's like, take your time when you get caught up. Hey, man, people don't work with you like that. That was hard. We've talked about the struggle of being a comic at first and just telling yourself one day, I'm not going to do this job no more. Yeah, I got fired. So it finds you from the store. No, no, no, not the comedy store. I left the comedy store to marry dice. You married dice. I was engaged to dice. Okay. And then I left the store. And we got engaged. And then Freddie passed away.

And then that just fucked me up. 2005. Yeah. And then that just that ruined me big time. And then my grandma passed away like 30, 20 days later. And then, like for a whole year, I felt like I was just out of touch, like everything. And then I left Andrew. We broke up. And we stayed friends, obviously. And then I started working on the one woman show because Freddie used to say to me, you should be doing stand up. You guys went to acting class together. Acting, everything. Yeah. But he was always saying you should be doing stand up. You're funny. You should be doing stand up. I'm like, no, I'm not a stand up. Dom Irae is a stand up. Bill Burr is a stand up. I'm a jackass, you know, you know what I mean? Like, that's crazy talk. But now

it's like, I get on the same stage with these people. I've gone up before and after Bill Burr and been a mess. Because he's like one of my favorites. So it's the end of them. I've never had to follow you yet. It's really amazing. He did this. He got sick and tired of watching, you know, he said one day, so you free people at home dog. It starts your life takes you and we're fucking having them sometimes. And even though it's late, it doesn't matter. It's never late. Look at this fucking guy over here. Look at this kosher fucking little pink chick, Jew. How cute. I love what I do without this motherfucker. Look, I'm stoned to the gills. You really are. I'm really proud of you all. You know, you live your life here and how rough

this is and how tough and how you do it. And then I just see you make the transition and it just lets me know that there's still sabbages left in the world. What's so funny is that for you was Freddie, you know, and I was friends with Freddie. But for me, it was Marilyn. Every time I go to the store, I think about them. Me too. For two or three minutes and they're probably looking down us and the other day I said something that this is my computer at home. This is my computer at home right here. This is four inches right here in the cubby home. I have glasses there because that's what people do. Okay. Glasses that they change every Monday for the spirits. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah. Glasses there. I only have two. And I have pictures of Dominic Speciale, a kid who died

in sophomore year, a picture of Anthony Balzano, a kid who died in the eighth grade. I got a picture of Darren Rager who died in 1999. It was probably, you know, 30 something. I have a picture of my mom and I have a picture of my friend's kid that died. She graduated in high school on a Friday. She died on Saturday. Going to a party in the car. And I have all their pictures and the first thing I look at always. At some part of the morning on the computer, I always look over there and I do the day for that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was telling Lydia that I wasn't busting these balls. If you go to those five people I mentioned and wake them up out of that casket and say, will you ever watch a ESPN again? They'll go never again. I'm going to live my life. Yeah. I got a second chance, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always think about them. I look at them and I go, if they had a chance to come back, would they sit at a desk all day on a fucking computer? Fuck no. No, they wouldn't. So we have one thing, like my thing, and even for Marilyn is to hold her dream up in a way. Yeah. Yeah. To do what she couldn't do today. You know, maybe it was to write a joke. God, she was funny. Maybe it was to... And Marilyn wasn't as much funny as, you know, I think God puts people in your lives. Marilyn was there the first time I did LA. She stayed with my friend. Yeah. She always gave me a little advice. And if I tell you something that today or all the advice she gave me came true. She was the one that told me when she had the cancer,

I went to her house on a Sunday and she became really religious once the cancer hit her. She was always very religious. Yeah, because that was our connection. That was your connection. Give certain things up for Lent. She gave things. She gave her chocolate up for Lent. Yeah, all the time. It was really hard for us. You know, she used to talk about how Eddie Griffin doesn't like crucifixes. Yeah. That he's the devil and all this shit. And one day when she was about that, a lot of people know this, a lot of people don't know this. Right before she was going to die, I went to a house on Sunday in Montoya. It was there filming her to make a special about her dying or something. And she was talking about that when she goes back to the county store,

she's not going to curse because every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to be responsible. You have to be responsible. And you go on and on and on. And then that same thing, something distracts her. And she looked the other way and then she goes, oh, and by the way, you got to stop doing cocaine. And she looked at me in a way that was fucking crazy. Like it was just like, wow. Okay. And maybe took me maybe six weeks after that to quit doing below. But the way she said it to me, she was giving me a message from somebody. Yeah, like somebody told her, oh, you have to tell him. Yeah, look, it all turned down. I'm here with you. I'm not dead. I got a beautiful two-year-old daughter at the house. My wife is happy. I'm responsible for this man.

The man's amorto over here, who I love. He's a mezzafinoca. But it's amazing that that advice, usually when people tell you to get off cocaine, you just look at them and they'll go fuck you. That was the first time I looked for it. And I said, done. It was the way she said, yeah. And for you, it was Freddie. You know, you and Freddie were tied, you know, the baby. He's in my pocket. I never perform without him. He's always in my pocket. How fucking crazy is that? Always keep Freddie in my pocket. So for me, the comedy store was also about that. Once I went off on Jeff that day and I walked outside and Dyson, Johnny Sanchez, were looking at me weird, like this motherfucker is really crazy. I was like, I'll give it. And it was Marilyn laughing the whole way. Oh, yeah.

And that's what the comedy store has always been to me. It's always been like, I got this crazy bond. If you know, I was pulling away and I was stuck there to make the left, yeah, down that street to make the right, to make the left to get back on Laurel Canyon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And I was looking at that building. I can't imagine that street without that building. And they're taking House of Blues down. So we get our, our view back. I don't know what they're going to put there. It's that office building. Probably. It's just amazing. You never forgot Freddie and I never forgot Marilyn Martinez. So they haven't. That's why they're Latino special to many of people. I love you guys in Illinois. Thank you very much for coming

out. Thank you guys. Follow Eleanor on Twitter. What's your handle? EJ Kerrigan. EJ motherfucking Kerrigan. EJ. Follow on Facebook. I don't know. And follow Lee Syed on Twitter. What is it? The Flying Jew? No, just Lee Syed. And I love you guys. Don't forget this weekend. I'm at the Brea Improv Thursday the 18th, Friday the 19th and Saturday the 20th. Two shows Friday and Saturday. But next weekend, we're taking it back to where the devil got fucked in the ass and fucking pepper sprayed New York City to Gotham Comedy Club, 1145, both Friday and Saturday nights. Tickets are still on sale. Shut the window. We're going to use stream Lee into the fucking green room and televise in there. But I love you guys. Thank you for watching the Monday night,

late night podcast and for you people Tuesday morning. Have a fucking great day when you listen to this. Stay black and stay beautiful. Stay proud. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com, get a high quality razor center door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. So it's

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