Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #213 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, November 14th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Better Help & Onnit… BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #Onnit The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened you fucking savages? It's Monday, the 14th of November. The joint is brought to you by my favorite. I'm letting you know about this because they're going to have a tremendous Black Friday sale over at Onit. I want you to start getting ready so 2023 will be a way better year. Shroom Tech, new mood, Alpha Brain, the new Alpha Brain.

Plus, they got so many new things over at Onit, I can't even keep up. They got some online classes, online kettlebell classes. Go to Onit.com right now, read, go to the website, see what they got to offer. Listen, I can't help you with kettlebells or clubbells or anything like that, but I can help you with nutrition. So, Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech, protein powders, that's where Joey comes in. Put in Code Joey, your church, and get 10% off your first offer at Onit. Your first order at Onit. Alright, let's get this party started. It's Monday, we got shit to talk about cock lickers.

Come on, Onit. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 14th of October of November. We're fucking halfway there. We got six weeks left in 2022. It was a great weekend, great week last week. We're looking forward to another fucking great week. Just a great weekend for me. I went to the movies and I got to tell you something. About three months ago, we had a talk on the joint about fucking movies, you know, and what they meant to me as a child and how much I enjoyed cinema. And I got to tell you, I've gone to the movies. I think that they have taken the fucking excitement away from people doing anything.

That's what's happened. I've noticed this and they take away little things at a time. Like, guys, we all grew up and we had this fucking chit chat about the movies and how much we loved the movies and it's great. You would go to the movies on a Saturday and stay for two movies and you thought like you were getting over and shit. But remember all that shit? You go into the movie theaters and staying and catching an extra movie. Guess what, motherfuckers? Now they're getting us back for all the fucking times. We sat there on a fucking Saturday and watched two movies that we weren't supposed to watch. Let me tell you something, man. In my eyes, for me, I've been to movie theaters from fucking Toronto all the way to Miami to California. I think it's over. It's fucking over because, you know, the other day I'm trying to be a nice guy.

I mean, they had a Wakanda Black Panther double feature on Thursday and I was like six hours in a fucking movie theater. It's a bit severe for me and my daughter and my wife. I go, let's just catch Friday. Let's catch Friday early. We'll go to Red Robin. We'll get the fucking endless steak fries. You kill two birds with one fucking stone. I always got a plan when it comes to the movie theater. A couple edibles. Boom. Okay. So you get to the fucking movie theater. It's great. You know, it's all new modern. You scan your phone. My wife is part of the AMC club, whatever they give extended benefits and you get a discount on popcorn and whatever. Okay. You walk up again, guys, ask any of my friends and I hate, I'm not fucking cheap. I'm not cheap at all. But I'll tell you what, when I'm standing to the side and I hear my wife and my daughter get a popcorn and I get a small popcorn and she gets two drinks, no meat.

There was no hot dogs. There was no nachos. I wouldn't need any of that shit. The fucking churros. I'm not touching any of that shit. It's bad enough. I got to eat that fucking processed popcorn with that fucking COVID butter and that fuck cause that butter ain't really butter. You can't listen. You ever get a piece of butter, you wash your hands, you're good. That movie butter, you fucking, it's like having yeast infection juice on your fingers. You could watch it 20 fucking times and that little slime will still be in between your fingers and shit. I just got rid of the butter slime at the movie theater. But no jokes aside, I'm just hanging there. And also when I hear the lady say 66 fucking dollars, we got three coax and three fucking popcorns and I can't or water. No, I'm exaggerating. It was $60, $60 and like 66 lens. I didn't say a fucking word, but on the walk to the movie theater, I'm like $60 for three. I looked at my popcorn because I never even look. So you need to tell me in today's world, a regular fucking popcorn is $9 to nine fucking dollars for a regular popcorn. How does the family afford fucking even afford that? No wonder they sneak their fucking own food and I would sneak it into if I know it was 927 for a little bag.

No, listen, I don't need no more than that. But the next size over was like fucking $16 and they have like a special for it. Like get a huge tub of fucking processed fucking popcorn and get a large fucking drink for like $24 or something like that. Okay, it's money. It's not even real. Who gives a fuck? Let's go enjoy the movie. Okay, theater seven. I go in guys. There was a half hour of fucking trailers, not 15 minutes. And remember in the old days, like they gave you one trail after the other one trail after the other. If the theater would go dark, then they would start another trail after like three minutes. Then the theater would go dark. Then they start another trailer every five. It was fucking absurd. And every trailer you can live without watching any of those fucking movies from Avatar. Listen, who gives a fuck what's coming on April 2023. Let's focus on the next Christmas movies. How many you got? You got none. Wakanda was the last fucking movie. You put together a couple stupid movies together, but you're not going to fucking make up the year in the movie theater. Unless we go to box office. That's where you take the fucking $60 for popcorn from. That's not enough.

Half hour. I can see my she's a fucking kid. I can see her feet going dead. What the fuck is going on in here? I can see me being an asshole, but a fucking child is like, what the fuck? And then after it's all said and done after the be quiet and don't text and fucking they hit you with a fucking Nicole Kidman video of her walking into the movie theater. Ordering a drink to show you how easy it is. Like there's never, there's never no lines when Nicole Kidman goes to fucking Peter. She just walked through, sat down, you know, she's looking at the screen. That's another five fucking minutes. And then she goes enjoy the show. Really? How can I enjoy it? When I just sat here for a fucking half hour, just staring into fucking the oblivion. Now the movie starts. Unless there was a good movie for it was my daughter thinks the first one is better than the second one. And I agree. It's just entertainment, whatever the fuck. But I sat there and I didn't complain. I didn't make a Yelp review. I don't do any of that shit. Okay. I'm sitting there going. How is the theater business, whatever you want to call it, the movie business? How if I was in trouble with my business, I try to have a meeting with the stockholders and go, how can we make the experience better for these fucking people? Well, for starters, let's cut the trailers down to fucking nine minutes. Nine minutes. That's like five movies, a minute and a half a piece. Give me a message of fucking shut up and don't, don't answer text and turn off your phone.

And let's get the movie started. You have great chairs that the movie theaters are comfortable. They clean. I'm with you. But that is the most horrible fucking experience of all time. My neighbor flew to Florida last weekend. I saw him at the fucking gym. We would chit chat and he goes, Joey, I'm 60 something years old. I've been flying all my life. We have a home in Nebraska, you know, because they're college doing the college in Nebraska, whatever. He goes, we just bought a home there because, you know, we go back to watch the games and shit. My daughter goes, I gotta tell you, I'm buying an RV. I'm not flying ever again. And he told me about his experience to Florida, how to Newark Airport, the lines, the waiting. He goes, listen, if you don't have TSA, whatever, or clear, you don't make your planes out of fucking Newark. You just don't make them. It's, they have taken like guys flying used to be so much fucking fun. Flying used to be like you couldn't wait to get on a fucking plane because you knew it was going to be a fucking party. Who wasn't going to be drinking in the back? Who wasn't going to be getting this dick suck? Who's not sneaking a fucking cigarette? You know, who's in the aisles drinking? I go over Mike, don't I know you from Philly? Yeah, what's up man? Give him a fucking drink. Flying has become like fucking from being at the airport to getting on the plane, to sitting, to fucking to the fucking lady with the dog, the guy with the big feet, you know, that takes his feet out. It has become a fucking no matter what you pay for it.

Like you can pay for a first class ticket and you're still going to have a fucking heart. You know, when I pay for a first class ticket, well, you're still going to be late because the whole plane is fucking delayed. What are you going to do? They're going to give you a parachute. They're going to give you a special fucking treatment. You know, and that's what I say to people. Listen, I understand you want to go on vacations and people want to do things, but I don't want to get treated badly. Not when I got to work for my money. Not when I got to do shit. And I got to tweet and do a thousand things. Do I want to get treated? Why would I want to go to the airport to be get a run around and then to be told my flight is canceled? Then when they do have a flight, you fucking lose my luggage. The experience is horrific. And I'm not trying, like I'm not trying to be negative. I'm just speaking about a fact that affects a bunch of people that people starting to go, you wait. Guys, if you're thinking of traveling this holiday, listen, guys, unless it's a fucking hour flight or something like that, you're going to get the money that they're going to charge you and the cancellations and all this shit they're going to have this year. And COVID's going to come back, you know, at least in December for two weeks. And it's not going to be anything. It's just going to be a fucking head cold.

By now it's like a little tear comes out of your fucking eyes, but they're going to make the big deal out of it, put the mask back on, you know, and it's like they've taken away the, I went to Yankee Stadium this year. Doug, that's the pride of fucking New York. Pride of fucking New York Yankee Stadium. I'll tell you what, I'll be honest with you. I can't go back again. That was a fucking, it was, you know, a mediocre experience. I went to Philly and my experience was great. I'm going to try City Field next year. You know, I hope they say the experience is great. But all like our little experiences in life that we used to fucking enjoy, they beat the fuck out of you. They beat the fucking, the fuck out of you. Somebody told me they went to eat the other day and the bill came and they almost hit them pants. You know, there's a family of fucking three working. And they're like, what the fuck is going on with prices? Guys, it's unbearable out there. It really fucking is. But you got to live. I mean, you just can't stay in your house and eat TV fucking Dennis. That's not going to work either.

But it's, it's crazy how every time you want to find, you know, yesterday, Jim Florentine's nephew kept calling me like for the UFC thing. And he kept saying, Joey, can you get tickets? Can you find tickets? Tickets were like 350 on Friday and they went up like 470 on game day. And they were like nosebleeds. And he's like, I really want to go. I'm like, you know, you're just going to have to watch it on a fucking ball like everybody else. 470 a ticket. You've taken it. Now on top of that, I got to go to the city, walk around. You're already risking getting fucking hit in the head with a stick going into the city. So I'm paying 400. Yeah. You know, I got, listen, I considered going. Joe called Theo was gone. My other buddy was going with him. The guy from Connecticut that hangs out with Joe. And the problem with me was I had a softball tournament on Sunday morning at eight o'clock in the morning with my family.

So I know I was, I couldn't get home and fucking two in the morning and get up at six. So I just said, fuck it. I watched the fight at home for a couple of fights. I didn't even know that fucking the guy won at the end. I went to sleep last night. I'm an old man. I couldn't take it. No, I'm like, I'm good. I just wanted to see Dustin Poirier against Michael Chandler. Anyway, the Che wing fight was kind of fucking boring. And I watched the first fight of Alex Pereira, even though I did take Alex Pereira for a fucking knockout. 25 bucks paid 105. So when I woke up this morning, I saw I got lucky last night. I was like, damn, I should have stayed up, but that's what happens.

It was a weird week in comedy last week. Cassie dang died and we did the podcast Wednesday last week and I was like, man, Cassie dang died. I thought I was seeing shit on the computer. You know, sometimes I don't look at it. And then somebody asked me, did you hear Cassie dang died? For you people who don't know, Cassie dang was an extraordinary young woman. I met her at the comedy store always. She wasn't a regular at the store, but she didn't have to be. Oh, I don't know if she was. I shouldn't say that.

Very funny girl. She was a doctor in real life. Fucking doctor, a fucking doctor and got bit by the comedy bug. And I still remember the night that I slipped and tore my hamstring and he lead him in a bunch of the girls were very helpful. But Cassie was fantastic. You know, she was, she came right over. She goes, I don't have a pain pill for you, but let me rub your thigh a little bit. And, you know, she was very fucking sweet. I don't know what happened. Um, you know, I haven't inquired.

I'm going to call red band today and find out what happened to Cassie because he knows more from that thing. But she was a great lady and then a guy died last week. We died yesterday or Saturday. I've just been seeing the things and I called one of my friends who would know and he didn't pick up the bud Friedman died for you. Mother fuckers don't know what bud Friedman is. He's the left hand to Mitsy short. Mitsy short did a lot of great things for stand up comedy. But bud Friedman did a lot of fucking great things for stand up comedy in his own little way.

You know, the improvs were all buds. Liberty lives was an offspring of the improv clubs. You know, I don't talk much about the improvs because I'm a comedy store guy. But I gotta tell you something, my bread and butter for all those years were the improv. The comedy store is where I learned to become a fucking assassin. The improv was on Melrose. They have a lot of improvs. If you watch this podcast, they probably haven't improv in your fucking town anywhere across the United States.

West Palm, Miami, Doral, you know, Tampa fucking, they got them everywhere. Westniac, shit. What else? LA, Ontario, Brea improv, fucking the Oxnard improv. It goes on and on. Tempe improv, Houston improv, Dallas improv, Green Bay improv, Milwaukee improv. They're all over the place. But anyway, Bud Friedman was, I still remember being a kid and watching Evening at the Improv,

not being a kid, being a young man and watching Eminem at the Improv. And he would always come out at the end with his little fucking barnacle and stuff and talk to the comics and talk to the audience. And when I got to LA, he was one of those surreal people. You know, when you get to LA, you're like, people tell you, yeah, Bud goes down there once in a while or Mitzi goes down once in a while. But I remember being at the Improv the first time I was there, Bud Friedman was there. And I got hidden into the fucking improv through Latino night. Okay, sometimes when you get to a club, guys, talking to comics here, when you get to a club, you got to figure out a way to get in there. And they'll say, well, you know, we'll put you on a list.

We'll look at your tape. But every once in a while, they'll do a specialty show. Improv night, Latin night, Puerto Rican night, Afro night, whatever the fuck it is. And sometimes it's better, you know, it's not the way you want it to get in, but it's the way you get in. I was at the Improv doing a span, a cute Latin night one night. The fucking guy made me put a suit on and shit. And I fucking hated it. It was like my first week in LA and they made me put a fucking suit on.

Like the first to second night, it was every Sunday. And like the second night, the second Sunday, I was there because I became a regular at the store a month, not even a month after I got to LA, but I had spots at the Improv. Like if I got to LA on a Tuesday, I had a spot that Sunday at the Improv. It was fucking surreal. But the second Saturday Sunday, I was there when I was on stage. I had never noticed it, but I looked to my left and I saw a little window, just a little window on the wall. I'm like, what the fuck is that window? I go, maybe the sound guy sits up there or whatever.

I saw the sound guy in the bottom with the earphones. I wonder what the fuck that is. And while I was up on stage, I also noticed that like it opened and it closed like somebody was actually up there watching. Yo, it's Monday and I'm here with better help. And if life came with a user manual, things would be easy for everybody, but it doesn't. So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. I was stuck for a long time. Navigating the career change and new relationship while becoming a parent can make you feel a little uncertain.

Therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing you'll get to a user manual. Listen, I've been with better help now. I was with him for over a year. Dana helped me to get coping skills. She helped me how to break down my life, slow it down a little bit to get things going better. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat therapy sessions. You could choose to not see anyone or to see somebody on camera at the world's largest therapy service. Better help has matched three million people with professional license and vetted therapists available 100% online.

Plus it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with the therapist. If things aren't clipped clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be any simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more. I'm going to get you an opportunity to save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Diaz, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz.

Better help. If you're feeling stuck, the holidays are coming. They can help. Betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And now back to the joint. So I fucking get off the stage. I go to the front bar. I get my little water or my Coke and an old guy comes up to me.

His name was Richard Cooper. I'll never forget this guy. And he came over to me. He goes, hey man, I watched your set. I really enjoyed it. How long you been doing comedy? And I go, I don't know fucking seven, eight years. He goes, all right, you know, do your paperwork and call in for spots.

I was like, what? And he goes, do your paperwork and call in for spots starting tomorrow. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, I made your regular. And I go, nothing, nothing, Mr. Cooper. I don't even know who you are. And he goes, I'm the talent coordinator. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know, he shook my hand. I was, I stayed there and all he goes, you're going to start getting paid now. $15 a set or whatever. And he goes, have you met bud? And I go, but who? And he goes, bud Friedman. I go, well, no, I never met bud Friedman. And he goes, come on, let's say hello.

Congratulate you for becoming like a regular. And I was like, what? And he took me in the back and there's bud Friedman sitting with the barnacle. And I, you know, and I'm like, guys, I'm shitting my pants. I can't lie to you. But he asked me, where are you from? Are you Italian? I go, no, I'm Cuban.

Oh, I went to Cuba once and he started talking to me about Obama. He goes, yeah, you'll be a great addition to the family right after I left. He forgot my name was, as a matter of fact, I saw him a year later in Miami. I'll never forget this. I'm at the improv in Miami and coconut grove and Bud Friedman is there with the owner of the of the Miami improv. And he looks up and he sees me and he goes, hey, look who it is. And you motherfuckers know I could read lips. I saw him say the bud to the owner of Miami.

He goes, what's this guy's name again? And, you know, I'm not going to yell at the guy or whatever, but at least he spoke to me and he goes, I see you doing sets. You're down here, but Bud Friedman was a sweetheart of a guy. I had like 20 other fucking conversations with Bud, never as deep as with Mitzi, but we had a nice relationship. I'm very proud. I wasn't one of his favorites, you know, like I didn't know him that well. But when I'd see Bud, he didn't, he talked to me, you know, his wife. He'd say hello, ask me what I was going through, what was going on in my career.

Not that he gave a fuck, but at least he spoke to you, you know. And guys, he did great. He did great for the world of comedy. He brought it to a fucking forefront, you know. Those were pioneers and you got to give them their fucking props. If I don't talk about the improv as much as during a week, I was more of a comedy store guy. Not because it was a bad club. I had great fucking relationship to Tamal Rose improv and they took great fucking care of me.

I did every year they had me there for the college football thing. Every year when the weather plays in Pasadena for the Rose Bowl, they have one night for the one team and one for the other team. Every fucking year they called me and put an envelope in my pocket. I don't know how many, you know, so if I don't talk about the improv, it's because. And another grateful thing they improv did for me. The improv, listen, the comedy store gave me the fundamentals. You know, when you go to Jiu Jitsu class, I go to Hollis, but there was a girl that was going there. And she told me one time that she went to another school and I go, why do you do that?

And she goes, because I want to get the perspective of two or three different teachers. And I didn't really understand that because I go, you got Hollis and then you got like for the daytime guys, you got fucking my man Bernardo and for the nighttime guys, you got Ray and Lucas and Hollis. That's four fucking different teachers and that's four different play flavors. So that's how I felt about it. But she goes, no, I like going out of here. So I'll go there twice a week and I'll come here twice a week, whatever works for you. But I don't give enough thanks to the improv.

I was always involved with the improv and let me tell you a fucking great story about the improv and I still talk to this guy. I don't know. It had to be maybe 2008. I was pretty down in the dumps. You know, I was finding my way. You know, I had just quit doing drugs cocaine and I was really finding my way as a comic and out of nowhere. I had nowhere one night. I got a call from a guy named Dan.

I used to call him Dan Brad fucking great guy, great guy. Another good thing about the improv is I could thank so many of their own like general managers. Kelly fucking the chicken Melrose. I can't, I can't draw a blank. Now she's, I mean, I've been friends with her for 20 years. Aaron Montempo, I've been friends with for 20 years. Just they had really great people that really did care about comedy and it blew up into, it blew up into a corporation guys. So things get lost in translation.

But there was a guy Dan and Dan ran the Bray improv for years. Danny was there. I had some history at the Bray improv, you know, I got fired one day for doing a weekend with Pablo. They thought we were doing drugs. I wasn't doing drugs. In fact, my wife was with me. In fact, years later, they called me and apologized because they said, sorry, you weren't partying with those guys. But we had a great time at the Bray improv one night.

Some fucking early on, some girl came out and took a top off at the Bray improv and we got in trouble. Doesn't fucking. So I had like a rocky relationship. Oxnard was way out, not Oxnard. Yeah, Oxnard was way out there. Ontario was way out there. Ontario had a fucked up situation. One night I went to do Ontario when I was coked up.

They gave me a great opportunity improv. They go, listen, we're going to start headlining you. I'm like, okay. And they go, your first job is Ontario. You're going to headline a Wednesday and Thursday. You got to do radio on Wednesday morning and Thursday morning. I said, fine, this is my deep, deep, deep, junky days. Ontario's about an hour 10, an hour 15 from where I was living in Hollywood.

And I drive all the way to Ontario fighting the urge to do coke. Like I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm going to do these two shows. It's my first opportunity to headline the improv. They're going to give me a ton of work after this. The guy likes me.

He thinks that there's something to work with from the longest yard. I get to Ontario by 10 o'clock at night. I wrote my number. I take a walk around the neighborhood, you know, typical shit. And I about 1130, 12 o'clock. I can't do it guys. I could be honest with you guys. I can't do it.

I can't get this monkey off my back. So I call the coke dealer in Hollywood. And I drove all the way to Hollywood an hour 15. And all the way back to Ontario an hour 15. I didn't start snorting coke till 2.30 in the morning. And I bought like an eight ball. When that phone rang at seven in the morning for me to do radio, I just picked it up and kept hanging it up.

I never showed for radio. I showed up that night and there was maybe like 12 people. They were fucking pissed Thursday night. I had like fucking 18 people. I got the radio Thursday, but the damage was done already. I got the call when they paid me. Like, listen, you fucked up. And that's it.

You're done with the improv for a while. Go away and come back when you're ready. When you're ready to be a fucking comic. This had to be like 2007. Yeah, early 2007. About 2009. I'm off the coke. I thought I was done with the impromptu.

Yeah, I was getting some spots at Melrose, but they were not happy with me. And one day Dan called me from the fucking Brea impromptu. Out of the blue, like, like the week after fucking New Year's. And he's like, hey, man, I'm thinking of adding some fucking shows. And I want you to do Joey Diaz and friends. Our rated show once a fucking month. We're going to start you with $400 a week on a show for a budget.

So that means you got to pay three other guys and yourself out of $400. So it's $100 a fucking show. They only do that for 90 days until you get going. And then after 90 days, you're going to go door deals. So if you sell 10 tickets, you're going to get $10. You know, it was rough guys. They go, do you want to do it? I was so fucking just like I was getting a second chance.

So I said, apps are fucking literally. And Dan and I worked this together as a team, you know, he was like, I'm going to help you. I'm going to give you the mailing list. I'm going to blast them the first three, four months for you. It's got like 40,000 names. You know, you should get first week. I don't know. I probably got 18 people the first time I did it second month.

We got like 25 the third month. I probably got 30 and then the fourth month, the month that we're on a door deal. I started all over again, like from eight once he took the mailing list away. So it really taught me how to like, I did not like social media before that at all. When Dane Cook was being a star, I was like, good for Dane. Good luck to him. If you think I'm going to leave the comedy store. Well, at that time I wasn't in the store.

I go, if you think I'm going to go home after a comedy show and fucking tweet and Facebook people in my space. That's not going to fucking happen. But now that I had this job in Brea, I had to learn how to fucking Facebook and tweet quickly. And I asked Dan, I go, I don't know how to get people. And he goes, well, you have to have funny comment. He goes, you can have Jesus here. But if you don't program it the right way, if you don't market it the right way, then I'm never going to come. This is how you figure this out.

Take your humps and your lumps now. And guys, I think a year later we were selling out, selling out 400 seats once a fucking month. We were like the number three show that Brea had. We weren't having nobody. I would fucking put on the stuff like, you know, it's Tuesday night. Lindsay Lohan will be here tonight with a bag of blow. I would just run rampant on fucking Facebook and Twitter. Somebody's going to be down here sucking dick.

Nobody ever asked about Lindsay Lohan. Like people come and get to like, I would take a fucking edible cake and put it in the back table. These things became wild. They were fucking known. People were having a great time. I ended up taping my first CD there without even knowing. Two comics canceled. And I remember telling Lee, I don't know what I'm going to do.

And he's like, well, let's tape it. And that was fucking it's either you or the priest. Unbelievable story, you know. A packed fucking house. Packed, packed. We would have edibles down there and weed and fucking 20 people would come down to hang out. It was a, it was a great experience. But my point was, I'll never forget being at the Melrose Improv and Bud Friedman was there.

And he was like, Hey man, can I talk to you for a second? I'm like, yeah, what's up? He's like, congratulations. And I felt so fucking good. Congratulations for what? Movie? He goes, no. For what you've done down in Braille.

You built it up from scratch. I still remember fucking, I learned a valuable lesson that week down there. There were these people that always came to the show, but I gave them free tickets. And one night out of kindness, it was hard. Rogan called me. I would never call Joe or ask him to do the room. He called me and he's like, I got to shoot something down there. Do you mind if I stop by?

Do you mind if I put your name down? He goes, nah, just put my name down. I'll never forget that those people called and said, Hey man, we need free tickets. And I go, I can't give them to you because they're a Rogan show and they paid anyway. And that's when I learned that people pay the $15 for a fucking ticket. You don't have to give them free tickets constantly. They should pay. You built a value.

That's when I learned the value of fucking stand up. And I remember seeing them that night and I go, Oh, you got tickets. Like, yeah, but we didn't really want to pay. Well, it's Joe Rogan. You got to fucking pay. I'm doing. And this goes back 2009, 2010, you know. So when Bud said that to me at the Melrose improv, that's probably the last time I saw a bud.

I might have seen bud one time after that. I think I saw a bud at a, I think at Maryland's. I don't know. I don't know. But I saw a bud because Maryland's wake would have been three years early. I saw a bud and he congratulated me and it was just a great fucking feeling. So yeah, I learned comedy from the store, the basics, but I learned how to sell a ticket from Dan at that Bray improv. So I'm really grateful.

I'm really sorry. I don't tell a lot of these improv stories, you know, the hot commodity for me was a comedy store. So I didn't want people to sound like, you know, the improv was my second home. The last factory started giving me spots after the podcast. Before the podcast, I didn't belong there, but after the podcast and people started selling tickets, then they started giving me. And that's a great club too. I never had nothing against Jamie or anything like that. Anyway, I want to wrap it up with this real quick.

I want to talk to you guys about some guys I got locked up. If you guys think that when I got out of prison, listen, before I went to prison, I didn't think I could do anything in my life. And when I got out of prison, I definitely didn't think I could do anything in my life. But I, you know, you can't be a fucking bum. You can't collect disability. You got to do something. You got to earn your keep. You got to justify your existence.

So somewhere along the line, I came up with the idea of trying stand up comedy and becoming stand up, stand up comic. It worked for my lifestyle. I was a fucking, I was a renegade. I had no, I had a little bit of discipline, but really no discipline, but I was a renegade. I was living at no family, no wife. You know, I had a kid that at this point, whatever, but that's the way I ran my life. I was always a renegade and felt comedy fit my needs at the time. I liked, I liked my days.

I didn't want to work nights and somewhere along the line. I got the fucking balls after a year to go up there on stage. Now, when I got on that stage, when I got off that stage, yes, I saw, I saw a little, I saw a little hope. I saw a little hope in my life, but I didn't see a hope by telling you people that as soon as I got on stage, I went home and I was like, I'm going to be a fucking TV star. I'm going to be a movie star. It wasn't that type of hope. I saw hope for me to stop living the life I was living to maybe get a little bit more control,

pay some bills, get an apartment sometime in your life. I wasn't going to get remarried. I wasn't going to do any of this shit. I was going to live like Charles Bronson. The last thing on my fucking mind during those days from year one to year five of comedy to year 10 of comedy, I did not see any hope for success. Honestly, I mean, I could be honest. What do you mean by that, Joey?

I didn't see any glimmer of hope for me to ever make it as a stand-up comic. I was very insecure about who I was. I was very insecure about the lifestyle. I had lived as a young man. I was a criminal. I got locked up. I'm a junkie. And now I want to give my fucking, I want to give comedy a try.

What makes you think you could make it in the comedy game? And that's exactly how I thought. I thought I could just get on triple runs for the rest of my life. There was no movie career. There was no commercial career. I just knew that I had a career as a road comic. That's it. There was not going to be an HBO special.

There was not going to be a letterman appearance. None of that shit was going to be possible in my life. And yeah, I was a little negative, but I was just trying to be honest with myself as honest as I could fucking be. I'm a piece of shit. I come from nothing. I come from North Bergen, New Jersey named the last fucking comedian, a Hollywood star musician to come out of North Bergen. Yeah.

What were my fucking chances? So, but somehow I started, I ended up in LA and I ended up at the comedy store. And still there was no hope of me being Dave Chappelle or Kevin Hart and doing movies with the rock. I just wanted to be a funny fucking stand up comic and earn my steak at the table. Earn my steak at the table. That's all I want. Well, things happened and we ended up here. If you guys, if you motherfuckers think that for one minute I thought I was going to do anything good with comedy, believe that.

But if you motherfuckers think that I thought I would ever, ever, ever get off drugs, that was never going to happen. I made a conscious decision in maybe 95 that I'm not going to go back and forth with this. This is the way to lose your fucking mind. I'm going to get clean after this. I'm never going to snort coke. I'm never going to drink again. Hey, listen, just telling yourself that lie back and forth, that's enough to drive you fucking crazy. And I was okay with it.

I said, you know what? Listen, what's all this bullshit? What's all this beating myself up? I'm not going to go to a fucking meeting. I'm not going to get clean. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to put this restriction on myself to say to myself, okay, I'm not going to do coke this week on the road. By night six, you're disappointed.

You meet a blonde, you know, she wants to do coke. There you are. I mean, come on. Come on. It was not going to end for me. So I never saw it coming. Never in my wildest life that I see cocaine coming to an end. I didn't see me dying from it.

Not yet because I was a fucking junkie and I'm an addict, but I didn't see myself ever stopping ever wanting to stop. At once I met Terry. There were little fucking things that I was like, I got to take care of this before it hits home before she knows before I got a DUI before I got arrested at an airport. You know, I'm saying I didn't want it to be a total shock to her. So I did sign up for some like Hollywood run rehabs, you know, that you and I would give them a fake name and then three days later, somebody would go, Hey, I saw you at the company store two weeks ago. They didn't know Joey Diaz. They didn't know anything like that. They would just have a lunch and then after I did the longest yard, forget about going to those fucking rehab and those meetings and shit.

But I did go to a few meetings just to see what they were about. But I went to Hollywood and I was like, Oh, you know, people getting AA tattoos. And I think the first meeting I went to in Hollywood, some lady got up and she's like, I came to a meeting last week and somebody groped me. And I looked at her. Nobody would ever even dream of groping her. But that was her beef for the day that somebody groped her. So I didn't go back to a meeting in LA. I started, I went to a meeting when I shot the movie Boiler Room.

I figured out I'd go up and it's so fucking weird. I figured up and go up and see where they did this. The movie Boiler Room is about an AA meeting that got crashed by a bank robbery. Two bank robbers were hiding from the cops and they went into this AA meeting and they took it hostage. And this really happened. And this particular meeting in wherever it's held in Burbank or I forget what where it was held guys, Studio City or one of those. This particular meeting is the big Monday night meeting for the Valley. That's where all the stars go.

A lot of fucking people go up there. So when I got this movie, when I did the table read and they said that the movie was going to get shot in like 90 days. I decided on my own to just go up there on a meeting one day. I recognize some of the people there with some comedians there that I don't need to discuss their names because obviously they're friends with Johns and they take it seriously. But it was a great feeling. You know, I went, I watched but still knew sobriety was not for me. And, you know, maybe a year and a half later I got the call to do fucking whatever movie, whatever was called. And they told me that the movie, because I did the table read for this movie.

And I can't remember what the fuck was Boiler Maker. Was it Boiler Maker? Yeah. Because Boiler Room is the one about fucking Giannato Rabisi calling people and going to jail and shit. Boiler Maker is about, so I probably got to read, I probably read the table read from the guy. The reason why I want to do Boiler Maker was because it had the guy from the fighter in it. Way before the fighter. He was just working on, he was a fireman in the fucking show at Dennis Leary.

But I loved him. He was a good guy. So I'm going to lead the weapon too. He's been around forever. So when I saw him at the table read, I was like, okay, I want to do this movie. The movie was paying it before it got cast. But once they cast it and they called me a year later, the movie paid $100 a fucking day. And I was like, fuck, do I even want to do this movie?

So I went over to, they said, you don't even have to read. Just go meet with the new producers. I guess I had to meet with them in the valley one day somewhere and I walked in. It was a great read and they fucking went over the script with me and they expected it. They said, listen, I don't know if you know this. This is a low budget production. So we're shooting this, we're shooting three weeks of 12 hour days. We're going to start shooting on November 8th and whatever.

It ends around Thanksgiving. And I was like, okay, I'm in there. Like we got to talk to you about one more thing. And I'm like, what? And they're like, we'd like to speak to you about your substance abuse fucking problem. And I'm like, what? And they're like, we really want to talk to you about your substance abuse problem. I'm like, okay, hit me.

And they go because the movie is getting shot in three weeks and everybody's in the shoot. You cannot miss a day. In fact, you can't even miss an hour. We're going to shoot this, you know, long days fast. But if you miss a day, you fuck the whole production. So we don't want you to give us an answer on this film right now. Call us tomorrow. Let us think about it.

Let us know what you want to do. And this conversation will stay here. I was a little agitated at that conversation. When I walked out, they pay me $100 a day and they're trying to go into my fucking private life. There was just like a little fucking thing stopping me from going in there. This all happened like all this happened at the same fucking time. I'll never forget getting in my car and going, fuck these bitches. I'm not doing this fucking movie.

Talk to me like that. That's the mind of a junkie talking. By the time I got home, I'm like, you know what? They got a point. They're making a huge investment. And I get it. So I got a decision whether I could stay off cocaine because it was 21 days, whether I could stay off cocaine or whether I can't do this movie.

And all of a sudden some things happened, the cat, me, boom, bam. I took the movie. And I took the movie because it was long days and it wouldn't give my mind a chance to think about cocaine. When I did, I was on the set and I got to be honest with you. I got on that set. I completed my 21 days. I did the fucking movie. I did the best job I could.

There was one beef on the movie one day. I went there on a Sunday and there was no food. So I told him I was going home because you have to have food. We pay union prices. But besides that, everything worked out and the movie was great. But at the end of that movie, I realized that I was sober for 22 fucking days. And I was like, holy shit. It's time to go get a fucking huge eight ball like an eight.

It's time to go get an eight ball with all the motherfucking trimmings. And I got to tell you something. I said, why? I've already done this for 22 days. Why would I want to fucking go back and do coke? And that was 15 years ago. Tomorrow, guys. 15 years ago, I clocked it at the 15th.

We finished the movie like the day before Thanksgiving because that was our first day off was Thanksgiving. We went straight for three fucking weeks. So whatever that movie started, I didn't look at the calendar and I was 15 years ago. This week, guys, when I decided to make that decision. So if you motherfuckers think I never had a chance at fucking doing anything in the standup comedy community when the film community, where the fuck do you guys think I was at with drugs and doing cocaine when I was doing coke five, six nights a week? The reason I tell you this story is because the holidays are coming. A lot of years of living with this shit in your life.

Not that I'm here to judge it. I don't give a Frenchman fuck. I feel myself a quitter for quit. You know what I'm saying? You guys keep the party alive. But I got to be honest with you. If I tell you all the good things that came my way in these 15 years compared to my first, you know, 45 fucking years. Because I was 44 when I quit cocaine because John Gotti took over the Gambino's at 45 and I had to take control of my fucking life.

So I wanted to be clean by the time I was 45. All this shit that I had done, it came to an end 15 years ago this week. And guys, I never, ever, ever thought, ever, that I would get clean. If I never, ever thought I was going to do anything in comedy, what were my chances of getting fucking off cocaine? But through the fucking, I don't know how. I don't know how. So today this podcast is about 2023 is coming. You want to be top motherfucking McGoo because think about it.

I didn't do shit with my life except go to prison, do drugs for 44 fucking years. I could tell you five good things I did in those 44 years, but I could tell you 20 good things I did the last 15 years. I'm not telling you that sobriety is going to fucking open up of opportunity of whatever for you. You're going to be hanging out on the beach with Brad Pitt. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that if you got a chance of doing something, if you clean up from whatever the fuck you're doing, you're giving your life a way better chance. Like I said, I did more than 15 fucking years than I did in 44 fucking years. That's the joint on Monday, the 14th of the fucking month.

That's it. And that's that. I love your cock suckers at all my heart. Stay black and I'll see you Thursday morning tip top McGoo and now for a word one motherfucking sponsors. All right, you fucking savages. Thank you for letting me tell you my story on a beautiful Monday morning. But before you leave this episode is sponsored by better help. Listen, life doesn't come with a user manual, but we can make it a little easier for everybody, but it doesn't.

So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck navigating the career, change a new relationship, becoming a parent. They're all big steps in there. A lot of uncertainty. Therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing you'll get to a user manual. So do me a favor. Therapy is important nowadays, especially what was going on the last couple of years. Maybe you feel a little trapped. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat therapy sessions.

You could choose not to see anyone on camera or see somebody as the world's largest therapy service. Better help does match 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be easier. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz.

Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by Honit. Listen, I love Honit. But like I said earlier, 2023 is coming and you want to be ready for some alpha brain, some shroom tech, some new mood. You want to be getting ready to work out. And Honit is there to help you. Go to honit.com, read, learn, see what they got and how they could help you from the protein powder to the kettle bells to the club. Listen, I can't help you with the kettle bells or the club bats, but I could get you 10% off on all their products.

Go to honit.com, press and call Joey, joint or church and get 10% off your first order. I want to thank betterhelp.com and I want to thank honit.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you, Savages, for always having my back. Have a great day and I'll talk to you guys Thursday morning. Thank you.