Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #214 - Joey Diaz, Brian Redban and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

Comedian and producer of The Joe Rogan Experience Brian Redban joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/17/2014.     Curtis Mayfield - Superfly

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right you get a free NatureBox snacks and they're found at naturebox.com slash joey. This show is also sponsored by honet.com. Go there to get alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune, anything like that and get 10% off when you use code word church. This show is also sponsored by meetundies.com. Go to meetundies.com and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear and for girls check out those

hot looking boy shorts. We're going to help you out go to meetundies.com slash joey and get 20% off your first order. That's 20% off of your order when you go to meetundies.com slash joey and right now you get free shipping in the U.S. and Canada. The show is also sponsored by hit esigs.com. Hit esigs.com. The proof is in the vape. The better tasting, longer lasting, get 1200 hits for each one. Use code word joey's church to get 20% off of your order. I'm really high. And lastly for the premier vapor print on the market go to naileditlife.com saw these guys all weekend at Ari shows naileditlife.com they work with wax and oil use code word joey Diaz no spaces and get 20% off your order.

Strap on your motherfucking seatbelts cocksuckers we're going deep tonight. Oh shit the Jewish motherfucking national anthem coming at you what one two motherfucking red band in the motherfucking house we're doing it at the church tonight whoa smoking it eating it licking it stick that tongue in her motherfucking ass what no you didn't yes you did it tastes like love motherfucker what uh the church what's happening now uh let's do it as motherfucking what oh shit we're kicking this motherfucker off the right way tonight you might as well take a vicar and tell your wife to go to bed and mind her fucking business we're cracking lack on

here tonight the church or what's happening now as usual my beautiful and sexy co-host mr lisa at represented the Jewish community of abdulla what's happening though everything i'm trying every day everything you're looking good how many minutes on the stand master today 45 fucking tremendous you're gonna break your own record but i told you to do an hour and a half because you told me to do like three hours sure because then you'll call me and i went on my diet well i do because you get me so freaking high you gotta be prepared prepared for what you gotta be prepared you gotta go home you gotta make a plan i told you he has those rice cakes those you eat those rice cakes and then drink water it constipates you're sitting your fucking asshole track that's

what i take fiber twice a day do you really hell yeah kind of fiber you silly i'm fiber that's what steve Simone told me to take you mix it with what no it's just pills pills and you eat them four pills twice a day look at you and you feel better helps me shit you got some little red tea because i don't know i don't know if you when i'm eating healthy i don't shit at all really it's like it's terrible do you not like things like broccoli and stuff like i eat it but i don't know what it's weird you won't eat nothing this guy this guy eats fucking french fry he won't eat we want the subway sandwich where you that's the reason you go to subways to eat that terrible right radioactive grass he didn't put nothing on his sandwich he well i know he puts like lettuce spinach tomato

that's too much spinach lettuce green peppers lettuce cucumbers pickles that's it lettuce cucumbers and pickles on almost every single that's why nothing comes out of your asshole i eat i like broccoli but when was the last time you ate broccoli the truth two weeks ago oh yeah yeah okay then and when the man the steel is saying is you gotta eat broccoli every day every day i fucking hate broccoli i hate broccoli i eat cauliflower i'm never constipated because i eat sugar fucking whatever those things for breakfast special cake i eat oatmeal you gotta push that shit out before you go to bed i eat some i eat some terrible cantaloupe last night but i'm gonna wake up in the morning helps you shit like a savage how many times i got well you don't eat those apples you're

buying don't tell me i do i i have one banana or one apple a day what do you do with the fuck one apple ain't gonna do it for you how many apples can you eat exactly when was the last time you saw a fat guy that said those apples are killing me ever since i started eating apples i gained a hundred pounds nobody i know i'm not saying they're bad for you but how many can you you fucking ate three apples before you ate everything else last night you would have been i go in home last night i ate a banana and a cup of coffee i went to bed i ate the i smoked and fucking ate the same edible you ate more than yeah yeah i'm hungry too i'm fucking starving but i go home and i eat that apple first if after i eat that fucking apple if i'm still hungry then we dig it

on the fucking munch well i'm doing it's still better it's just gets it's rice cakes and it's healthier stuff than i used to do i don't used to go to mcdonald's oh yeah smile at him those old things from the 40s like an apple a day that they actually are real they're real they just see when you get older you go oh shit there was something too you bite into an apple so like last night wouldn't been to an apple and it was fucking delicious yeah i'm not a fan of the red ones as much any like grannie smith i'm a fan of the green ones and the other my wife gets these are fucking delicious i'm addicted to but after a week or so i'll tell you what i can't stand fucking apples then i go to the bananas but the bananas aren't always fresh to get to those little Puerto Rican

ones i don't like those little fucking Puerto Rican ones they gotta who buys the small ones and long ones you gotta watch it dole puts out the long one okay chiquita puts out the long one but then my wife gets these little ones she's confused you don't fucking know i think they're organic i don't like those things i like the big fucking dough ones you chop them nice you mix what likes vanilla yogurt a little granola boom again you don't like granola either no granola is okay i don't like yogurt you don't like oatmeal you don't like yogurt you don't like fucking when was the last time you had nice special k i don't eat that much cereal zero you can't have really cereal there's too many calories what do you eat special k you lose five inches in

two fucking weeks no you don't you lose two inches on your waist if you eat what they tell you for two fucking weeks special k based on the commercial what's have you done this special k challenge yeah you lose weight man i don't i usually have i usually have egg whites on on toast there's no fiber there on the wheat toast there's no what a little piece of wheat toast you gotta add something on the side a little oatmeal to push that that muffler little apple with your fucking me i have either a banana or an apple every day i have either a banana or an apple i eat three apples that's why you have to eat three apples okay we're talking about here that kosher i was really worried about that i know you want that's why i get turkey bacon i can't eat them because then the turkey bacon

that'll kill you turkey bacon's horrible fucking hard anything with turkey no the turkey hot dogs are good i had three more god what the fuck let me tell you something even a pussy closes up when she sees a turkey hot dog if you tell it you're gonna put a hot dog in a pussy like a nathan's the pussy opens right up just wave a turkey fucking hot dog at a pussy it closes up like a venus fucking flytrap with a grasshopper in its mouth you know what i'm saying get it together cut second red ban in the house so you don't eat anything healthy at all no i do i i've been counting calories for about three or four months so are you bad at math no no no no i've i've lost a bunch but it's no he has done the i used it i used the app there's a thing like an app for free instead of paying

weight watches yeah so it's and they do the counting for you it's really fucking amazing like that through cozy shack fucking rice pudding bang 130 calories yeah they have everything in there fucking everything panera the other one's a panera and i gotta bagel through it in there bam had the it's fucking amazing i tell you what's delicious and it's right down the street they just open up lemonade i don't know if you've been to it yet that is is one of the best places if you want to eat healthy but not if you don't feel like you're eating healthy at all like it's just uh where are you getting there it's it's it's you know it is it's like a kitchen one by by uh boston market yes exactly right next door they're gonna slaughter them but it's it's like a

cafeteria but everything's healthy like you go in there and they have like fucking uh just anything you can you know it's like whole foods like when you go up to the counter for whole foods and you're like i want some of that egg and quinoa mixed with the curry uh rice chicken thing why don't i can't want why and i know curry you might i mean you might you might i would be interested to see i think you like certain things they're like lemonade yeah well then you'll love that there's like eight different kinds of lemonade then i'm in blood orange now do they have a lemonade at the airport at denver i think so lax has one yeah you go in the morning and they have healthy shit like uh and then they have like papaya lemonade yes mango lemonade they have that the

airport delta united one of those cocksuckers has uh i think it's united has uh and it's great for breakfast they have oatmeal mm-hmm they have a couple different fucking things so it's pretty interesting man boston market i love they're always the only ones that like that one right there by jamba juice in a liquor store yeah robex across the street from taluka lake medical center yeah that's where i go for my fucking uh physical therapy i don't go to robex no more but i really like that uh well i do go to robex and get the the green juice whatever yeah that is wheatgrass you get the you get wheatgrass it's good it's good for you man you know i did the juicing for one you made fun of me and all i like wheatgrass a cup i'm not talking about replacing

your fucking cheeseburger with kale and beets and all that shit i'm talking about little glass of wheatgrass never kill nobody's good for the helmet you know when i when i grew i grew up i i uh i ate grass with my neighborhood kids would like pick grass from all the different yards and and have like tastings to see which grass tastes better would be like hey that guy down the street mr jeffreys he has the best grass but we're probably we're just tasting different kinds of urine and poop and like chemicals and stuff that they use to spray their yards but now that i drink wheatgrass it's like it fucking tastes the exact same so i'm just like i'm used to it i'm just like ah it's not bad it's not bad with freshly squeezed oranges it's good for your circulation wheatgrass

good for a lot of things man you'd be surprised you just go in and get two fucking cups two little downs to the dollar fifty a piece right yeah wait only who are you typing a letter to uh there's problems with the stream what happened they're saying it's down so i want to restart it all right we'll restart it and shit we just keep doing it we're recording yeah all right as long as we're still talking you know what's a great poop uh one of your sponsors in nature box which i subscribe to and they you got the box there yeah i got the free one what they send you they sent me a but i put a picture of it on twitter they sent me like uh cinnamon sugar kernels how were they delicious i had those last night um they sent me uh some tomato crisp things and i like the

salted popcorn they sent me one big bag and like four tastes small bags and delicious yeah yeah yeah i you know i you signed up for a membership and stuff like that and uh i i get it once a month but i i love it so much that i've been telling them to send it faster and you can add more stuff on it and it's three dollars to add each extra item so you can get a box i got the last one was like 12 items i got and uh it's great but you you start eating a lot more nuts which is probably getting seeds like i eat a lot of like seeds now i never used to eat that much seed in my life but what's weird is it really fucks your poop up like it makes your poop look like it has acne or something it's crazy no that nature box i've always been very happy with in fact i'm waiting for a box

now but i've always i ate everything i had before i i mean i go through it that shit's delicious and they just the cocoa almonds are my favorite when i go to the jre he's got tons of shit back that's it's it's amazing how good it is those snacks yeah if you're not eating that if you're not a nature box you're fucking slipping yeah and if you're a fucking stoner you're really slipping even what you were saying the cinnamon kernels oh those are great yeah they're great it's really cool how like technology is really helping in a lot of different ways like that you never used to think like hey i'm just getting groceries delivered to my house now and i it's the convenience of just going online just being like boop boop i want that and it's at your house the next day

does that how long it takes yeah you can get i if i'm an amazon prime member which is like you know give not only does it give you like two day free shipping you know it's like one day is like 399 in some places in los angeles it's same day delivery you could deliver order something in the morning up to like two o'clock in the afternoon and get it delivered that same exact day for like five dollars extra it's great so yeah so nature box goes through amazon prime no no they don't i was just saying that how awesome it is nowadays like you know when you you're younger you never used ups or fedex or you never really used the mail you know and now that everyone has stamps dot com or all this shit they can just mail shit from their house it's it's just amazing how much

you know convenience there is now you don't have to go to all there's no reason to leave the house anymore yeah i didn't don't like leaving the house anymore no no that's just really amazing that mail box dot com and you could just fucking mail my wife has this thing that you just put your check in the phone and you make a deposit oh yeah i just did my first one wells fargo on your app has it you just take a photo of the check and then it just deposits of that and that's it in three days later you have to rip up the check or something or mail it to them or something no just rip it up but the one thing i'm worried about i don't know if you i would know red band heard but what the new iPhones are coming out you put your credit card information in the phone that seems a little bit

yeah let's talk about that you know that's actually very interesting because if it's very you know it seems very very secure for one so these new iPhones have a a thing in them that when you go to the store it has this little frequency that comes out talks to the cash registers and goes okay here's a code number and it just makes up this number and then that their cashier makes up the number and it matches so it's just a one-time thing so it's very secure and if you put your thumb on the the thumb sensor it reads your fingerprint so it knows that you're you're the person it's you're paying for it it's your iphone so it's it's it's safer than having your wallet and a bunch of credit cards if you use your wallet lose your wallet and a bunch of credit cards you don't know what the

fuck's where they're at you know if you lose your iphone you can lock it and so no one can use any of your information no one can even access any of your informations it's it's but you know you're not worried that they're gonna get into that they get into everything now uh them breaking into credit cards uh big credit card things like a target and stuff like that happens almost every week home depot last yeah yeah home depot everyone's information so at least this is the only way that it's going to break in is if you have your thumb print if you have you know this one key that it randomly makes up i mean there's a lot of security that's it's way more secure than just having your credit card and giving it for once i know it's really confusing because it's like new

technology and stuff but if you really broke it down and had like uh listen or read read about it it's it's very like oh shit this is amazing for once we are going to be able to not have a wallet anymore or or all those fucking cards at like jama juice cards and stuff like that we're going to have everything in our our fucking wallet it's it's going to be great and the new eye watch has these sensors on it so it detects if it's uh touching your arm so you can pay with your watch so in the now in the future we're just going to be like hey and paying for your jama juice by clicking over the catch register it's going to be if you have your watch on that new eye watch yeah i don't know i mean it just scared the scare i know that it's supposed to be safe but there's people who are on

the computer can do anything so for me to me i don't mind carrying a wallet so here it is so i take my fucking phone and this little thing right here i press that my thumb hits that well guess what my thumb prints going to stay on there the fucking russians or the chinese have to figure out something you can put on your thumb and you press somebody else's phone right you know there's always uh uh uh every morning i wake up and the first thing i do is i check manco america i check my sag account i check manco america i check paypal just to make sure nobody hacks your shit you know i don't get cash deposits or cash withdrawals that fucking read stores and nothing like that i do every direct transaction through the fucking atm at my bank pretty much when i

pulled cash out you know you try to be as safe as you can i heard a couple months ago two thousand people woke up and all their money was gone oh yeah staying at a bank they stayed at a hotel in was vegas and the hotel's information got robbed at days so they cleaned out everybody's fucking atm card it happens every goddamn day guys it's happened to me twice this year i mean and it's mostly i think in la it's mostly uh because of gas stations and uh people putting fake those fake skimmers and restaurants where waitresses and waiters have pretty much just something that's the size of a quarter that they attached to their iphone and reads your credit card number into their phone saves the information they print out new credit cards with your numbers on it your signature

on it they take a photo of your signature i mean it's so easy now so i think for once i mean credit card technology is some of the oldest technology security in the room i mean it's decades old 20 years old or more uh and so for once this is actually updating something that's been so i mean you can get a thing that you can buy it best buy that will read the heat on a keypad so if you just videotape somebody using a key or videotape a keypad after somebody uses it it shows you what buttons they pushed in order even because of the of heat and i mean so now we're not having all that crap we have a digital thumbprint we have our a random token it's it's it's i think it's awesome and i think it's going to change i think it's one of iphone's biggest

accomplishments if uh if this goes pans out how i think it's going to be i think that's really going to change are you excited about the new iphone 6 i am i am i am i actually i'm not getting it the the the the same day because i ordered online a little late so i get mine weeks later but i'm not really sweating it this time around because it's just a bigger phone and have these features it's going to take a couple months till everyone's paying with iPhones and if not eat longer but uh it's very cool and uh it's going to be also interesting to see because it's came in two sizes the bigger one how many people are going to switch to the bigger one because every review i've read said i started off thinking the big one was way too big and no way i would ever get used to it

but then i loved it so much that i kept on using and then after a few days i only want to use the bigger one so it's going to be weird how many like hand disorders and stuff people are going to start having like you know like uh carpal tunnel syndrome but it's stretching your hand out to hold bigger items that you're not used to it's it's going to be weird how it it's going to be the big one of the regular one i ordered both and whichever one then i get first i'm going to keep and the other one i'm going to send back after i fuck with for a while that's how i what is it like to you joey because like i was thinking i forget where i was but i was talking to somebody the other night i'm like what technology thing is going to come next because if i showed you this phone when you were

my age you'd be like that's never going to happen like so what is it like for you to like have all this like you use it was hard to pay for with a credit card when you grew up like that like the little slidey thing that they take an imprint of and that's why you could steal credit cards and now you can have it in a phone like what is that like listen uh you know just like i did the regular credit cards young kids you know younger than you guys are going to put together a way to rob that's just the way it is there's somebody already reading on this technology waiting for this phone to come out on friday waiting for people because there's always something i mean i never thought that you could take some of these credit card information from a gas station and it's being

done all over the valley yeah the russians own that technology yeah and they send those cards back to russia next thing you know you get a bill that you paid for a russian fucking hooker in in moscow you know they're fucking moscow in your life you know uh it's just amazing and you listen the credit card technology there were so many holes in it 30 years ago when i was fucking with credit cards i fucked with credit cards for like three years and i got really good at them i got really good at them and when you're a thief and you're fucking around the word gets out you know like got a red band yeah at his liquor store he don't give a fuck he don't give a fuck he needs cash so if you go down and you buy 10 bottles of booze he's not gonna ask you for an id he'll tell the

credit card people you got an id from you now you can't do that because it's all on tape everything's on tape so whatever i tell the cops kid came in with a blue hat and a white shirt all right let's get the video footage you're dead now you're dead unless you walk into these things i loved credit card theft when i was a kid why because it was my bread and butter it was my bread and butter for three fucking years to a degree that i was addicted to it was discover card your slut all of them all of them all of them i had it down i knew that if you stole a card on a sunday night in la and you overnighted it to me i still had the amount on tuesday because they would put the theft out into so when you call viz and said my car gets stolen yeah where was your car stolen

in la where are you living la they first secure zone number one oh they don't you turn it off no it would go across the country so monday that zone gets alerted first tuesday colorado vegas gets alerted wednesday the midwest and by thursday new york the computers have come up there were so many scams if you kept it under fifty dollars you didn't have to ring it so you looked in a booklet who's gonna look in a booklet when you got 50 people online that's yeah you know saying so you knew what places to go to you knew it's now 70 i believe it's 75 dollars now because it's uh if you win every time it happens it's always 75 dollar increments at different gas stations and carryouts and it's always always 75 dollars and like how would you just like like would you buy

like a computer and then try to sell it to get money because i had a certain point you needed i had 10 000 different scams i had i had first i knew a lady growing up who uh you would tell her what you wanted you would go to her and say hey i want a uh magnivox microphone x290 they have my guitar center the 800 dollars a piece i need five of them she looked in the face and said that's 4 000 retail i want 2 000 cash when i get the house i want 50 done so i never figured i was like wow how does she do it yeah she doesn't doesn't cost her anything doesn't cost her she doesn't lose it all if she charges you 100 bucks for it so i would always very intrigued by that type of theft and then running around people would say i just stole this credit card give me 50 bucks for it

the dude had a f***ing link in continental i'm sure there's money left on it and that's the old Puerto Rican way you ever do checks where you're going into store i did one check one time got caught i don't like them a checks is like stealing a car there's not much you could do with it okay you gotta you gotta need id bird certificate when you're on the you know a credit card in those days is a lot easier to form it i did travelers checks oh those are like cash we like cash plus again they're travelers checks tourist places white gentiles they can i get an id can i get a picture id of thumb print when you went to japan town in san francisco china town they don't give a f*** american express is going to pay them too i never did any of that s**t the only s**t i did is we did

magic dollars where it's where you take packing tape clear packing tape and you put it on the end of a 20 dollar bill or a five dollar bill or a 10 dollar bill and you wrap it around the other side but you had to only get the very very edge like i'm talking like a quarter of an inch less than a quarter of an inch like and you put it in a cigarette machine and then yank it out so it register as 20 dollars to give you change for a pack of cigarettes and then it will give you a pack of cigarettes as it would fill our black pack with money and cigarettes and cans of pop and and any kind of machine we can find and and then sell it in high school we add it in my trunk and it was just uh filled to the rim with anything you possibly wanted when you're 16 you make 30 dollars that's a great f***ing day

you know you make 30 dollars on your own you know you know what your parents give you for an allowance two dollars five i didn't get allowance for you ten dollars so you make 30 dollars stealing f***ing cigarettes as a kid but i always thought that i always really thought i would get caught for credit cards because i was addicted to it i liked it after a while i got really good after a while i knew certain people at certain places so let's say i got a credit card but i knew this guy in the Bronx that had a bar so i would go in and he'd bring the card for me he'd go you could what's your limit you got 900 left let's put 900 on it take 450 and give me 450 i just made 450 dollars that's better than making nothing yeah you know and the bartender made 450 because he's

gonna ring it through he's gonna pull it right out of register we did s*** like that that's where you you know and then again you want a microphone or i just go buy s*** i go buy a bracelet and come back and go leave you like bracelets yeah it's 2000 at the store give me 800 cash right now that's how you made money but the plus you buy s*** for yourself that's crazy it's f***ing amazing i got addicted to pit pocket not pickpocketing but like stealing from stores but i stole like a dvd can't i didn't steal anything like 400 dollars worth yeah but it was always great i always said i got like got me a little high like walking over the uh the barrier between the metal detector was the scariest moment i got really good at it and then i got caught and then i never did it again

but i i mean i did a lot i would had like four video games in my crotch and then like a phone like a wireless phone box the scariest one i ever did i was i was doing my six months in israel and they brought the entire all the group from the school they brought them to the grocery store so i was buying pots and pans but i was a bro i was my first year of college i didn't want to buy the pots and pans so i put my bag on top of it and i thought i had hidden it but i had to ask somebody in the store what the word for pots and pans were in hebrew so i knew it and when i got to the cash register i heard her go on the phone and say the word so i took it out because they were like watching me and i didn't want to get arrested in israel for stealing pots and pans

no i'm f***ing for you to do with jail and put missiles up your ass you can't oh it's terrified you can't take a half a goomy bed imagine there's real jail there'll be bit slapping you look good tonight dawg dawg i'm high you looking sharp as s*** your head dude you got some gel in that no i don't have enough hair for that smoking this s*** he doesn't seem that high i thought he usually is really high i know i'm really really high nah what'd you think the last night brother that was crazy i had been last year to one and i had been to one more this year uh i've already shows taping and it's it's cool because i i'm not i'm no already so it's cool to see that happening and it's cool because i'm such a fan of comedy to get to see

it's not only it's not it's just it's different that it's not comedy it's a story but then the one you did i don't i'm not gonna give anything away but not all of it was funny and every all the other comics always seemed to have to try to make it funny which is what you probably think of doing but it was it was cool because you started off i don't think like they left for a few minutes but then you hit him with something really dark and it was a while that it was it was uh like that people were interested it wasn't like they weren't paying attention but it must be scary no no no it's storytelling that's that's what i wanted to do that you know when you're a comic you're trained to go up there and make them laugh when you

tell them the story you're trained to go up then tell them the story and the story will find its own laughter along the way you know what i kept thinking about when i was there last night and it's interesting that you know i know i know bryan was gonna be on the show tonight what i thinking about last night when i saw arie was red fucking sudan and sneakers i saw pictures of that i thought about you and joe after gigs it had to be five years ago you would leave and go to a hotel room and you would do podcasts and and and like stupid tapings i don't even know what you call them then yeah we used to make short videos and not even short videos this is when you guys were doing like tape recordings and then he got in trouble because two kids in cleveland

or ohio did dmt oh really do you remember that so now you guys were kind of deterred on friday nights after shows joe and red band would go to rooms and i get pissed off because i'd say listen guys if they're in the fucking house watching you two morons they're kids they can't do nothing why are you fucking entertaining 15 year olds talking about weed in front of fucking 15 year olds knock it off right but that was the inception of the podcast and believe it or not that was the beginning of storytellers ice house chronicles the church of what's happening now that was you know it's so hard that that's when it all started and then you guys were doing it sitting on a fucking couch a la porta rica yeah and five years later this is where we are it's a complete

different medium and another agency called me yesterday they're starting a comedy division digital department and they wanted to sign me you know shit like that like it's very interesting that this is all a different world and some of these agents some of these industry people have no idea about this world exists like there's a tremendous following in numbers you know it's gotta be in the millions of people will listen to the podcast now it was in a hundred thousands a couple years ago now it's up there this is this is it radio is almost fucking dead oh it's dead radio is almost fucking dead but this all started in those fucking hotel rooms you and joe just and i would say i'm going to my hotel room you guys are retired i'm gonna talk to kids and shit

yeah you know it was it's really weird is that uh the whole web camming thing and interaction you know it's been around for a long ass time when i lived in ohio and i was about 23 we used to use this shit called i believe it was pow talk or something like that it was just pretty much use stream but you it was like you're it was just everyone did it and you just kind of talked like it was like it was kind of like facetime but it was a long time ago like when the internet was just like you know 56k modems and stuff but me and this girl that i used to date we would fuck on those webcams and we didn't care we thought it was cool they're like oh dude people are watching us right now this is crazy but i'm just thinking like how lucky i was that that i that

happened so long ago and there's not copies of that you know floating around because if you were 23 24 what kind of trouble would you have gotten into if that's what everyone in your age group was doing everyone was doing they were doing podcasts from the start they were doing facetime they were putting their life online in vimeo and youtube and and pretty much instead of having a private diary your diary is now animated in and you have t-shirts of your diaries and it's really interesting how as technology gets older and bigger and bigger it's more your uh your a piece of art or you're a something that can be put into a package like you know look at flying ju over here you know there he's wearing a shirt about him you know in the future i think these

little podcasts that we're doing and stuff we're all going to be channels you're going to have your own channel you're going to have your own channel we have hbo we have joe ideas we have abc we have the local news we have the flying ju channel which is cool because he's got this new thing but you know and so it's so weird how technology really is making us all all our friends and stuff we're all being our own thing yeah entity it's you know it depressing me now when i get calls from comics and people are depressed now because this is the best time to be a comedian this is the best time to be anything in the performing arts field because honestly you don't need anybody we were talking to adam hunter the other night and i told him i go you're taking

this bullshit from this company and you don't need it for the short money they're giving you you don't need it you could get an office you could do a fucking show in here we could put four fucking stages in here did you know that we could break this up into four fucking stages yeah and then do a nightly fucking show and nobody would know whether uh cultural events sports and dick sucking nobody would fucking know nobody would care that is the and at the end ask for donations what none of yous have seen that channel they put concerts on and pianos and yes and they don't really do at the end telephone what do they do at the end they ask for donations for $50 we'll give you two tickets get a little phone room where there's just six people all sitting there with

their cell phones open and you put them on camera hello how are you smoking cigarettes and doing blow and fucking naked shit when was the last time you fucking called like six joe deez over there all into the joint i would fucking answer the phone if i could you know this is what people could do so when people come to mingle my career is not going i look at you now i can't get an agent good that's even better now you don't need somebody over your shoulder telling you something is not gonna work i can't get a manager good even better now you don't have somebody over your shoulder telling you it's not gonna fucking work it's all your dream that's why i get upset with people with podcast this is your outlet this is our outlet the church is our outlet so it's up to you you

don't want to get together during the week and talk about our outlet it's fine you don't want to talk about on the phone this is one shot you have this is our shot i don't i'm not fortunate i don't have three arts i don't have cAA that's going to put me on a tv show guess what this is my tv show so that's how you have to look at it who needs a fucking tv show right and it's crazy a lot of times you'll hear the argument oh well technology killed all these jobs that they would just don't eat anymore like video stores or travel agents things like that but technology creates so many more like like i wouldn't have this job if it wasn't for red but like if this didn't exist and it creates people for twitter like my mom was getting on me today telling me i should be the twitter for

celebrities that i could do that during the day and that that's people's jobs now and it's good watch the i couldn't sleep i can't sleep at night when i do comedy yeah leave the comedy store and i come up lower okay and i can't fucking sleep at night i watch nightline i can't sleep at night ever first fucking news thing was about millionaire people that were becoming millionaires on instagram yep doing commercials six second commercial tv shows product placement is bigger ever on the fucking line than ever any day coke all this shit it's over they do it on they do it on vine they yeah coke is on vine and then instagram they know that who the fuck is watching shark tan it's gonna friday night nine o'clock and you're gonna spend 200

thousand to run the fucking ads you're throwing away money you got 18 people watching it and they DVR through your fucking commercials anyway they DVR sorry right or wrong when you tape something when you tape the UFC now you don't watch joe and dana it's gonna be a great fight fuck no you fast forward that motherfucker when you're watching at somebody's house you watch it but anytime you watch something now you're my hand is on that fucking fast forward first time they have a pimple commercial you're fucking fast forward through that thing yeah but they're already they're already adapting to put like product placement and shorter things it's the youtube ads so they're never we're never gonna get rid of them i don't i don't watch the ufc anymore i just

wait till it's an animated gif you know when i see it on a message board it just repeats the knock out over and over again i just sit there i go wow how pissed is dana white at uh what's his face who's fighting this weekend at like midnight roy nelson he hates roy nelson he puts him on a pre on a ufc website yeah it's japan and starts at midnight is joe going to that i wonder no i want to go to japan it's on the it's on the it's on like the ufc's internet channel no no no no it's it's just really amazing where all this shit has gone and it's all because of you guys i mean like i said i didn't know what the fuck you motherfuckers are doing and then you guys you guys were coming up on tv on the computer i'm like what the fuck are these guys doing and then i did a couple and people

are hitting you up saying shit to you and you're like what what the fuck is going on you know and then we started one with felicia we started one with this fucking good goods how you feeling i'm really i think it's time for another peanut brittle yeah i know you're not even acting student at all you're acting like professional you want to what do you want to what do you want to pick let's pick up of course i'm really okay you know you're not really have the gummy i had a three quarters you really want to have a piece of uh deca no let's do a little piece of deca when was the last time you know come on let's do it for you all the time's sake you're getting your resistance is getting too you're a big boy now you understand this one's saying to you have you been

following at all that i fucking i hate tmz but i i listened to that audio of that girl that was in django or unchained or whatever when she uh i didn't listen to it but who fuck if you have sex in the car you're gonna get fucking arrested no but the thing is that the officer had his mic on or his thing on because they record their audio when they're confronting people now when you talk to a cop they're recording you so uh they uh she she pulled the race card like in the first 30 seconds she's like she brings up black people and goes well you know you know we wouldn't want to have another incident blah blah blah about race and and he's like who brought up race it's like what's her face who's that southern sweet home alabama she got arrested like a year or two ago in atlanta

i was saying you don't know who i am oh yeah i'm gonna ruin you this also ran a witherspin this is not that's not bad joey uh this isn't that way to dance this is pretty good i told you from the other life my peace yeah i'm good it's delicious yeah i'm fucking stoned as hell i never eat and that that little gummy i think i had i feel like i'm on viking in her song you know it didn't take a genius to tell me a little black girl's a fucking jerk off didn't take a genius and the boyfriend is a fucking stiff too yeah they're both an example of studio city that's exactly studio city the black girl with a shaved head a black girl with a shaved head walking barefoot with the geeky fucking boyfriend and just because she's an actress and was in a

movie somebody's got to kick her ass and she's unique because she's got that little hairdo and because she ain't no her cousin was shaka the great fucking african queen well guess what bitch in studio city you can't be barefoot making out with some fucking white dude guess what that's the shit that hookers do so you look like a fucking hooker okay right away they want to bring up all because i'm black yeah you're a black chick with a white fucking faggot looking motherfucker in studio city it looked like you were doing a trick you know when the fuck does it end they walk around with these biracials like it said oh i'm cool because i'm with a black chick i'm i'm fucking nice because i'm with a white person you're both fucking concerned of what people think of you you could

tell by looking at them they're both two fucking jerks and she's the leader of the jerk off ring you could tell that she's the leader of the jerk off what she had on and who do you think you are fuck you at the end of it all you're a fucking yam you're a black chick in studio city how the fuck you expect them to treat you how the fuck you expect them to treat you that you know i'm saying we are what the fuck and i'm supposed to feel fucking bad no i'm telling you the truth you're a fucking yam you're out of your fucking neighbor and you're in studio city those are the fakest white people in civilization in studio city you don't believe me go to that fucking laurel canyon fucking farmers market with all those testosterone dads and a bunch of dick suckers

walking around with their kids and their parents i love my family so much nobody likes their fucking want to be with their fucking family on sundays it's fucking football and that fucking cunt wife walking with a friend that needs to we need to find you a man like your husband because he's fake fucking loving the kid get the fuck out of here go home and watch football there's no man in this country on sunday wants to be the farmer's market with their cunt wife and her friend walking around oh look at him get the fuck they want to be home drinking beers scratching their fucking balls watching football that that farmers market walking around like i care you don't fucking care with paparazzi's that's where they banned me they banned me from up there

really they actually banned you till december because i got into a fight with a paparazzi and i was the only one and you know what all these dads muscled up ripped up with their testosterone that one guy stopped and said can i help you bro they seen me with the baby was in a fucking carriage and my wife and they yell nice i'm yelling back and that one of those faggot fucking dads in studio city had the balls to say two words that fucking faggot farmers market that's why i don't go up there no more i go up there sometimes with a pizza and there's a mexican dude that has good fruit and that's why i don't go up there no more and then they got a fish guy too that has good halibut and good clams and shit but beside i go up there early i go up there like a

nine and they got a place that has mexican hot dogs wrapped with the bacon but they have the strawberry and the milk mixed with ice cubes okay but they don't have it no more so fuck them too they gave me a business card and said if you want they got to come to the restaurant downtown l.a i got to go visit fucking your girlfriend down there and fucking american gangstaville i don't need that shit why don't you just go to pavilions and do what instead of go to the farmers market pavilions that sucks too that fucking blows that supermarket pavilions and that cousin what's the rouse cousins vons outersons rouse food for less food for less is scary that's john's scary yeah i live next to john's you know what's really scary l super in england which one yeah l super yeah that's

real fun they've got live animals in the back and fucking you hear the animals bleeding and getting stabbed and shit and l super they have that same one up here in lancasham a couple blocks up you walk up there you could smell the goats and shit they got salt dust on the floor but they don't fuck around the fish and the meat is fresh oh yeah and if you go on subpoena they got the fish one the japanese fish one that's tremendous they got fucking heads and shit in there you can buy eyeballs fish eyeballs they have just a row of fish eyeballs staring at you oh tremendous i've been hanging out in south central a lot that's don't ever go there why not it's it's it's there's so many prostitutes there's like more meat on the street than there is in the refrigerator you know

it's just fucking prostitute prostitute prostitute drug dealer drug dealer prostitute prostitute why would you go down there because my girlfriend lives there oh she lives there too and sometimes i have to spend the night there you guys what the fuck is mexicans are just so much better hey man the fuck is wrong it's scary as fuck you gotta tell them listen it's over this fucking guadalajara life you live with air conditioners and cousins on the floor and shit it's over no he doesn't have that sheds are in place and you're moving up there with mate to the fucking white people up the studio city we're gonna farm his market it's scary we'll look at gentiles we'll look at fucking fake people but that's scary no air conditioning you can't you can't do it that's

fucking me they get people yelling at night and screaming that's all it's a lot of roosters it's 2014 that's just a camp it can't happen you're a nice jewish boy you gotta get together you gotta you gotta lay rules down you gotta tell people what's cracking you know we got tents here but no tents whatever you're sleeping in a tent all of them fucking you got 10 cousins we got tents if i can't be down there i'm not gonna drive back and forth you can move in here you got tents but they're gonna take you and then they're gonna beat you up down there don't call me from the tell you go fuck yourself i don't go down there at night that often no i mean what do you think they're doing the daytime you can get home fucking they're on the corner they hang out on

i'm chopping carts and they'll get those pigeons like in that movie and the pigeons will come get you then they'll butt fuck you to death and you'll be dead the pigeons whatever the fuck you know they're gonna pull up with you see that but it's amazing all this shit thunder pussy this all came from uh you guys having a stupid fucking vision you know a stupid little fucking vision and it's it's amazing well remember when i i used to try to get you guys to do it in the green room and i remember at cobs and one once in particular we uh we were doing and we were talking to fans because it was what i wanted to do is have joe be able to just talk to the fans and interact with the fans like he does with his message board and when like uh justin tv was around which was

like a live streaming website it was really i that was my one of my favorite things is trying to record the green room uh because i thought the green room experience while after hanging out with you guys was some of the most amazing shit ever before a show joe would have you arry me and we like would have a gang of people just like fucking getting drunk and having fans up and partying and smoking weed and and i thought it was interesting and i thought that would be cool to showcase this this part of it and you know that's kind of what the ice house chronicles is based around is like those green rooms before the show and uh i remember one time in particular though you this was still during the phase when you didn't have a cell phone yet i

think you're you were you had a flip phone you wouldn't you know you you just had a little flip phone and uh we were talking to the audience and you got really mad at it and you're like turn that shit off fuck off remember you like grab my little pinky what happened was you know i am i am very super paranoid of a computer you're not anymore though are you you've kind of embraced it right i grew up in a house where a man 30 years ago a paranoid crazy cuban man used to tell me that he wouldn't talk even close to a hung up phone and then years later niss nixon had that technology where he would bug the wire and the outside of the phone so if you talked by the phone he had you i mean it was just amazing so

we would talk about men's shit i'd be talking about drugs to take and you'd have that fucking computer open with that camera on us and one night i go red band put the fucking thing down and you're like hold on two minutes put it down hold on two minutes put it down and i remember i was getting off the blow you know when somebody's getting on blow do yourself a favor either embrace them or don't fuck with them don't fuck with them do not fuck with them because they were on edge especially the first 90 days it was january of 2008 we were at cobs all of us that and you know it seems like a year ago but it really fucking wasn't no what's interesting about that whole time period is i just watched this the other day i made a video back in the day

called joey d is ready to die and this was at the same time period and there was a point of your time before these podcasts that i remember that we you were really down you were maybe because you were coming off a blow but you were really depressed you sat there it's like you know i just don't care anymore nothing nothing it you know nothing entertains me and then i think eddie bravo said something like what about csi and he goes yeah i mean it's good and all but you know but i don't have any will reason to live anymore like you gave up and that time period i remember there was a good two or three months that i followed you around i mean almost every weekend we'd go to a different comedy club and i would record it and i tried i remember because i was

like oh my god my friend is sad my friend is depressed and i tried to make a story about you know i wanted at the beginning being kind of sad and depressing the middle kind of showing like hey we are we're having fun together hanging out on the road and stuff and then the end where you're just fucking dancing and singing and so i wanted to start off you know kind of where it was in that place and go through the whole emotions and i remember that time period that video there was times where we were on airplanes and you were singing in front of the intercom on a full flight you know on american airlines and we did that twice there was uh uh the parts where i would text you and you're like getting pissed off like i'm going to kill you and used to oh my god and you that's

when you first told us you're mugging a fag story but the the whole story though was very interesting about that time period and it's amazing where where how much different you are now now you're a completely different person you're happy you're doing something you want to do your fucking comedy is fucking blowing the fuck up you have to be i mean you have a beautiful daughter now you have to be just like holy shit thank you where the fuck did this come from this is amazing i remember 2006 going to a uh a usc would show we got there on friday morning usual shit check into your room go eat go to the way in do the show go eat go to your room go to the fight we went i'll not forget this we went did the show i think at the once we checked in i had a guy in

vegas who's still there so i would call and he was so tied in you can't pass security in those hotels with joe's face he would knock on your door that's how tight he was with the security hotel he'd come in he'd sell you an eight ball for 120 and a come down package for an extra 20 bucks two vicarins a valium and something else like a percassette and i would sit in that fucking room and i would watch the phone ring and joe called me and the hotel phone ring people looking for me and i wouldn't answer the fucking phone and there was one particular weekend where my friends i grew up with james venery those guys were in vegas staying at the same hotel and i wouldn't see him i kept telling them i was rehearsing oh i'm doing something with the ufc i can't meet you guys

i didn't leave my hotel that night when i did that ready to die i had eaten like 15 fucking vicarins that was right after the longest yard was released and nothing happened and the coke had just taken over me it was fucking horrible guys it was horrible my house was quiet me and i didn't talk to terry then terry knew something was up it was horrible all i did was want to snort coke and i was ready to die and i don't know what i stopped snorting go it was amazing times to see see joey transfer transfer i mean i used to hang out this guy every single week we would be somewhere different doing something different at the comedy store on the road in texas and it's so amazing at seeing joey happy and fucking on top of his game and texting

i ain't texting no i just got an email from fucking starwood fucking internationalist people you get a hotel and they text you for 18 years come get a hotel deal i didn't get a hotel the club put me there leave me the fuck alone no it's uh i tell you know i have a friend that won't stop drinking and i stopped communicating with her about a year ago really and she still calls me from time to time she goes i don't hear from you no more at the end of the conversation i always tell her you know man your life would change and you would just stop i can't walk you to an AA meeting i can't do that i'm just telling you from experience now that your life will change but you gotta put some effort into it you know i remember that night in austin when i got you

to blow at the white rose strip club and you got in trouble in the bathroom you know when i got to a town and rogan would watch me like a hawk and i'd still out hawk him you know it's not joe's world it's not joe's world so joe doesn't know how to judge people from that round he didn't know who the who the drug dealers were he told me all that guy i know he was your drug dealer and i go no it was the guy that was sitting in the green room that you were talking to about metaphysics but you didn't know it you think it's a guy with the tattoos the long hair that was moving fast he was on blow but he's not my dealer stupid the dealer is the guy you were talking to the club owner he used to get so i was thinking of a story in tempi arizona when i first discovered

i had to sleep at me i thought i was confused to sleep at me for insomnia and there was one night that me christ maguire and joe rogan went down to phoenix and we did the improv and then we were leaving on a sunday morning and also i heard the door banging and i opened the door on the security and joe and christ maguire and joe was pale he's like i thought you died you out with danny murr all night snorting blowing him like i wasn't done i couldn't i woke up at five i woke up at four with sleep at me and i couldn't fall back to sleep and i fall asleep by maybe 15 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off oh the whole fucking cab ride he wouldn't shut the fuck up about rehabs and it's time for you to go to rehab i wasn't even doing blow night before but in his

mind i was at danny murr and this has to end and we got to the airport and the plane was delayed three hours and i'm like what the fuck are you yelling about we're gonna be late for the fucking airport but it was that type of shit joe didn't know what to expect i would leave them there i would leave you motherfuckers that though you know that should i would leave your ass there what do you mean go where i would get a pat but you're getting an early flight and just like where are you at you're like i'm already in LA but i would also do the show with them and as soon as i got off stage bam they knew it it was called pio yeah you go beep beep bam what was that story where he said like he said you're going to vegas but then you just didn't

show up like i'm right tell you y'all i'm staring at you we were going to rascals in new jersey and in those days i you know i was like your friend i couldn't afford a four to four dollar plane ticket 300 dollar plane ticket i was barely paying fucking rent and joe calls one of these like hey you want to go to rascals like yeah all right get a plane ticket i just kept waiting to get money to pay it and i never got it and then i was a week out and i couldn't call him and go hey i didn't pay for a plane ticket he's gonna get pissed off so i just said fucking i lied to him shit and i just told him i was on the way and the plane was delayed and no it was it was a fucking sad time man and if you know anything about joe it's really weird he's still my friend

if you know anything about joe and how he acts and his tendencies to drug people because once the drugs pop up joe shuts down that's it certain drugs coke pills adderall and even the low hand collection boozing the low hand class yeah you know there's no way he's not gonna he's not gonna go for it he it turns him completely around and when i was doing it it was making him sad it really was making him sad i could see it in his face when i'd sit next to him in first class i could see it i could see that it was making him sad you know so it was just a fuck i was leaving him everywhere he would get off stage and say where's

joey he left that's what he would say people tell me he'd get off stage and wouldn't even go that's a great set he'd get off stage and go with joey yep yeah of course i remember him doing that he's a fucking gun motherfucker and i'd be in mind he'd start calling me and there's no way i'm answering the phone dog once i do a line of coke and i put do not disturb yeah a hotel fire won't get me out of the hotel fucking room what you were doing crazy amounts though that's i mean that is dangerous it's you know that's the you know the comedian i wasn't doing crazy no i mean you were doing it a lot though i was doing it every night yeah i mean it's kind of like me like drinking you know i'll go get so stressed that i feel like all right i need to stop working

i need to drink just to so it doesn't feel like i'm working you know i i i get in like ruts of that but i you know i have to control myself and like take three days off in a row at once a week you know you know just kind of a i was taking sundays off for the lord's day for the lord's day and i would take like like a weird night during the week off but i would always go three nights in a row and then take a night off and then well i don't know what i would do like i've thought about it like what like because you've told me what would happen like if you were still doing coke you'd like uh wait we wouldn't be doing the podcast too late so like no i wouldn't know what to do if one of my friends was like on a drug like that no if i was doing coke you would

have got five calls already we're not doing the podcast at six a.m you would have probably got ten calls that we're not doing it at nine either because i wouldn't rest till i had that night like for me to come in here and be good i'd have to have it in my pocket it would end an hour and a half on the dot on the dot it wouldn't go a second over an hour and a half like by the time listen let's say the podcast started seven by eight forty five i'd be in my house telling terry she had to go to bed are you gonna go to bed you don't you think you gotta go to bed yeah you gotta go to bed leah can i ask you a serious question okay has uh joey made you record him poop yet no

like that no he never made me record him poop once no i did yeah you did no i did he's farted on you before but it wasn't you it was those fucking disgusting people that made me take a shit while you were taping me how did he get sold on that you won't go to an audition if it's after two p.m you want to eat another gummy bear no i got a whole fucking peanut brittle here cox sucker it's uh it really amazing what happens to your life when you give it a chance you know when you really give it a chance to my wife i didn't know what that wasn't gonna last 2007 when i got off the blow that was 90 days away from disintegrating me and terry 90 days away if i wouldn't have quit that holiday would have been fucked up we would have broke up before

valentine's day i'm telling you right now i quit at the right time so by instead of january her doubting me she was doubting me in a different way well he's all he's doing something different i could tell in this attitude we have more money in the house account he's not going to the bank at three in the morning what because she'd always said to me why do you go to the bank for 60 at two in the morning what can you possibly i want to have money in the morning well you don't have money in the morning what'd you do with it it's in the car why would you leave your money in the car because i hit it that's why i put it when i went to the atm and i fucking left it then i'll leave me alone that money was a long fucking gun it's amazing

it fucking is amazing there was no meetings there was no hugs there was no tears there was no intervention there was no 20 fucking friends coming over and crying and giving you christmas cards i wouldn't have handled that shit i remember going to your wedding and i had white hair and a black mustache hot mess oh well you were clean at the wedding right yeah oh yeah i you know i'm always clean i haven't the only time ever was doing a lot of fuck i got that ecstasy in the house i should have uh no no i mean the only time i already did your white white and the ecstasy the two guys that gave me this yeah it was like 10 below zero and they were sweating profusiously doing longing or teaching shouldn't we're like marrying just ecstasy is the best year we've ever

done our lives and i mean i look at it and i go maybe me and leah do a hit tonight no no what are we gonna do with leah i'm gonna say it for you and me are you supposed to do with a girl what would you do with another guy i can't talk paula into it because she's gonna drug test what the fuck are you talking about drug test what you tell her shut up and drink this and you give her some wine but you'll you'll crap out i can't give it to you no he's saying you do it with somebody what would i want to do my wife is pregnant with the fucking my wife has is 44 my wife gonna do ecstasy now she's got a fucking kids you're gonna wake up in the morning we're fucking ecstasy you're young that's who does this drug these young people you go home you tell paula drink

this pill what is it i don't know it'll make you do things stronger you'll watch uh close range that's what he tells mary mary fucking stewart whatever master sanno she goes what are these he goes they'll make anything you feel feel stronger and the bitch pop tool that's all you give her a little shard nae and then tell him i eat your fucking little monkey that's it but you gotta tell him everything you're you're fucking a gentile you gotta talk and tell him it's like i don't know joey got it from some people in portland oregon have you've you've never done ecstasy no this one oh it's no that's something i would not really recommend to anybody except you well dare scared me that drug program

they said like nancy reagan no dare i mean i was i don't know you're scared of nancy reagan but like say that out loud bro we need some more but they're like it goes into your brain and like it never you always uh fail drug test after that i don't know if that's true or not that's what they told me that's what officer rocky told me tell officer rocky and nancy reagan to suck my dick right what kind of drug test are you gonna be taking i know i'm not where you're going what drug test do you think i don't know maybe joey's gonna become a born again christian and then i'm gonna be drug tested listen that might have no i can't no more i already had two to kill mommy what for what i had the green hornet and i had some of the peanut

brittle come on man just take a little of it no there's only a little bit left you don't waste it look at that it tastes delicious delicious it will make you feel okay how you gonna act it's a church what's happening now today well how you gonna act that's peanut brother no it's not it's from the people i nailed it life we saw him last night yeah i got people but it's just weird that i mean you're doing is great you're doing the death squad shows not the comedy store this all started by us getting behind the mic and telling people how we feel about subjects real subjects nobody writes this it's not like we have a writer that sits off and tells us not to talk about it's just us you know just bullshit it's bound to happen though you had

to have felt it when we were all hanging out especially in the prime when it was just you know you know for you when tate used to hang out with us and stuff that there was something about our group of people that we were just like these people are all powerful you know they're these people are all fun to be with like there's not many i never had a group of friends growing up that i traveled with uh you know and i did things with constant i had a couple of friends in high school that i don't even talk to now anymore you know it's it's it's weird that in amazing uh because i used to always have to record everything of you guys doing everything so it's cool to finally see it like it's worked bam you know it everyone got to the point where it should have happened

because you guys were always the most interesting people that i knew you know you guys always were characters you guys all have amazing stories and it was fun hanging out before the podcast was it was called eating with joe and where we all just sat around and ate with joe after a show or after a ufc and sat there talking and the waitresses all wanted to go home and they're just like come on can we can we go you know no one else is in the restaurant could we close that place down just from talking about space or something you know like the moon or i was i was thinking of an interesting fact that's a fact my mother died when i was 16 i've known joe for 17 years he's bought me more steaks than my mother i think i would agree with that i've eaten

more steaks with joe rogan than i ate with my mother my mother ate steaks four times a fucking week i've broken bread with joe rogan a million fucking times it's amazing the most delightful the folk of the child dinners and dollars but the best one was when he got the shots and they were 130 dollars a piece were you with us we got four shots and he didn't know because the folk of the child they offered you booze the waitress offers you booze but if that fucking cart comes around there's a cart that comes around don't fuck with that cart they ain't nothing cheap on that cart dog they ain't nothing cheap on that car you bought 600 dollars worth of alcohol joe goes you guys want to do a shot before the show well like sure

he's like give me your best scotch and the lady's like it's uh 30 years old he's like well give me 10 year old scotch they poured four shots bam afterward the check came joe's like guys you know those shots were 140 dollars a piece wow we were like god damn and it tasted delicious you can really tell the difference of 140 dollar fucking scotch i would hope so it was rough going in your mouth very very rough but then fucking like nothing down your throat like like fucking sperm with no sperm you know you know what i'm saying like sperm with no sperm you have a lot of experience with sperm in your throat you find i don't know but i'm talking about look at lily you're fucking jamok i put one of his helly six up your fucking asshole cock the second

what's going on lily what you got going on this weekend we're going to brand them on yeah and then what do you got friday inside that where you're taking paul a while i might come down to bring a friday or i might be a paul muncher i want to know what fucking adventure you got talked to we don't have any plans you're bought on group on how to deal no we don't have any plans what's going on this week nothing no plans what mamook plan did you get talked into this fucking week no no there's no plans she she wants to move up here so we're gonna go look at some places i think why do you have to go she wants to go what you got to do with you what are you the butler you ain't moving in there have her her mom look around the mom's an angle what i have to have to

drive paul around look she doesn't know the valley she and you do she's one of you become a tour guide to the fucking valley i don't know last year she says christly doesn't ever end with you what you got to be a tour guide and help and translate to sure you fucking jamok there's no idea what he should have the whole mexican family at your house you should be naked with the fucking the six-year-old mom who gives a fuck she'll be rubbing your toes and cutting your toenails for you they can live in the house with you everybody they don't give a fuck the mom don't care she'll cook all day for you rub your feet who's better than you that'd be nice a month with her you'll call your mom and say mom you're fired it's over have you been to susie's mom's house

no no oh my god why not i mean nah that's a whole different story why not why you gotta go to stuff because that food's gonna be amazing what oh yeah she's a very fucking nice girl yeah yeah no no uh her mom and her don't really get along so it's a long weird story so you went from fucking wenchville to a nice girl like that yeah i'm very lucky you know it's really interesting too because she's a publicist and so i'm learning the creepy weird side of hollywood in like uh management and uh and representing things and stuff like that it's it's really weird when you see shit like this now what is she a publicist for bands comics uh she's worked with you know you know companies that work like that's like a whole thing like with like

walking dead is how i met her like when uh she was representing uh friends my family or first my family which is a they sell these like survival kits that you keep in your house just in case if something shit happens it will like like keep you alive for like three days you know it's just water and food and lights and batteries and tents it's like this pack and they were working with the walking dead and uh my girlfriend was like hey you know i want to get you these packs you know it's you and joe can have them and i'm like okay and then she sent it to the wrong address by mistake and and then like a couple weeks later she's like you got those right i'm like no i never got them she's like what the fuck she tracked it went to the people's house go like oh my god do you have

a package that came here like a week ago and they're like oh yeah wait here it is they didn't touch it so she dropped off from my house and when she came to the door i'm like oh yeah you want to come in and smoke some weed and so we just smoke weed and then that's how we met yeah but it's interesting how i you know it's opposite you know i've never dated a girl that is so opposite like she's very different than very different very sweet very very book very college very uh you know those girls you would date and they're overrated it's a fucking pain in the ass dating those fucking crazy right they'll let you kick them in the pussy and fuck them in the ass and light the assholes on fire yeah but what comes with it is a fucking nightmare yeah and once

you open up a certain floodgate you just one morning you wake up and you're like what did she tell me three fucking days ago all right i came from a very uh you know i talk a lot of shit i bust leaves balls about eating ass let's get something out of the white league i didn't get my first blowjob talk was probably 20 or 21 not because i couldn't get one but because i thought women were disgusting if they sucked your dick i ate my first pussy when i was like 15 i liked it i ate pussy yeah you know lucy snow bush and i ate a couple pussies after that but if you went to suck my dick the first real blowjob i got was at a fucking massage parlor that lou denado ran in north bergen new jersey and he made me danie and freddie haltner

the doorman and to pay us he would say what chick wants to suck your dick and i at the three nights i'm like i'm none of these fucking i'm always going to suck my fucking dick and then one night he goes tell your friends to come up now let some chicks suck my dick i was like fucking dying inside i was like in those days i used to think my mother was watching me oh no and i'm like oh no and i almost started crying and then and she goes do me a favor don't come in my mouth come in my hair i had never heard things like that i nearly died i nearly fucking died so i had never really been with crazy i was just thinking about this on the drive to come out of my mouth come in my hair oh my god i almost had a heart attack and i came in the air but i never talked to that woman again

like i never wanted to see her she was disgusting to a guy like me i was i was a catholic prude you know and then i dated uh then i hooked up with a girl in colorado named lori who was married to this guy that was a co-dealer and she became an african co-core and i you know used to mess around with her and she used to tell me that she likes certain things that my heart would stop and then after a few days it started getting creepy i started we would get coked up in the middle of a coke up right before i was gonna eat a pussy she'd start telling me about a neighbor who used to molesto when she was nine and and you have no idea guys i love hearing crazy shit that's some shit i just cannot handle and i stopped dating crazy women anytime they were

going to that realm of craziness i would just stop dating them and then i went to michigan and i started talking to this girl and one thing led to another she said you know let's go back and smoke some pot and i took it back to my room it was like stealing and there was two beds in the room i was very embarrassed and then she opened up about the boyfriend i mean this girl was 20 and she was beautiful and she started telling me about this guy she was dating that was 44 and he paid her rent and he lit her pussy on fire and he did these terrible things to a red man i i couldn't fucking believe this shit like not terrible things but for me at that age when i you know i never heard shit like this and ended up she was a stripper and

you know she used to do crazy things like she used to tell me guys would pay her to suck a chick's pussy and they would eat her pussy from behind i mean and you had to live with this shit they come and tell you and for her she was raised in a cult so the family has eight kids and four of them belong to the cult leader and the other four belong to the four i mean you know i never heard shit like this before but then again i and when i was fucking eight i saw my stepfather shoot a gun on 148th street do you understand me so we all have different fucking vietnam's so when when all i know is from dating that crazy stripper for four years that was not my realm no i don't even watch porno because that is just too deep for me those you know watch porno no those girls come

with too much on it but what do you watch to come masturbate my mind i go deep and i tap into pussy i fucked when i was a kid or somebody i want to fucking the ass or somebody who showed me the teddy i don't fucking know i just never was really into porn because i know everything that fucking comes with it is is bad i don't know why because when i dated that girl everything that came with her bullshit i would come home from doing comedy and she'd be on a bed with a dildo sticking on her pussy watching porn and she'd be giggling about it i don't know what the fuck you're talking about here you had the crazy chick the way to get spanked who fucking you know then she had a web page when that i clicked on there's a web page her smacking white people and black people with a

fucking paddle are you fucking crazy she was a dominatrix yeah that is that is fine would she tie you up and piss on you no no no no she just wanted me to come up with new things to do to people so i would do it to her and then she would just project and that's fun that's gotta be fun for two or three months you know kicking them and throwing my windows and shit because that's the first thing i do i join judo and throw bitches out when i am fucking moving cars who gives a fuck sham wow more like sham owl yeah no no no it's uh i don't know how you did it all those months you had the one point shit did you get jealous with the porn girls no that was a weird point in my life that's a phase yeah i mean i i pretty much got out of a really intense

relationship and i just fell into it by mistake i dated a girl that happened to be a girl girl porn star and i uh you know after that you start meeting all our friends the next thing you're no you're fucking surrounded by hot beautiful women and so it was like a weird circle to be in and you're a fucking crazy yeah it drove me crazy it's crazy now it's so much nicer to be back down to earth and like oh this is real life i remember real life before that crazy wizard of Oz part where everything was black and white it's just no no dog i'm telling you when i was dating this girl she'd bring her girlfriend's home you know and the girlfriends were all strippers but this wasn't like the strip club in seattle

this was like the ones with chick gave hand jobs and they had three kids and they were supporting the midget at a fucking prison cell i mean it was just uh it was mind-boggling and they would tell their stories and guys i act like this worldly guy you know i used to be a thief and i went to prison but guys i used to sit there and want to cry inside because deep down inside i'll tell leader go eat ass but you won't hear me talk about craziness like i've never been to the play board mansion how many times am i been invited to the play i've done three comedy shows there you've done comedy shows there i don't want to be there those people drive me crazy those people drive me fucking crazy i couldn't hang out there for 10 fucking minutes i you know it's just uh i

like to just look at the birds and stuff the animals for really cool there in the fucking jungle it's like a little zoo he's got some of the most endangered birds in the world or at his mansion he has a really rare birds there that you can you go yeah and you go there and it's like that bird looks like a muppet that's not a real bird like it's because you've never seen that kind of weirdness with her i've walked through there and seen the birds and the fucking and you sit there and look at all the pools and you're like how many people fucked in these things yeah there's gotta be sperm where's that there's that skin like that that old milk you know on the top i've never been in there guys i've run the fuck out of there i'm scared i get intimidated strip clubs in LA what's the

script club down the block in the economy store oh the worst one ever what's that i've never been in there it's the worst one is it really they got glimmo's in front of there the other night and they got 10 door guys i'm like 17 years more scientist i've never even taken a fucking peek you know david arquette just bought crazy girls which is a little bit farther down the street i feel fast yeah which i which i like no no lebrea lebrea which i like a little bit shorter how was the turnout uh it was packed oh yeah it was packed i mean but it was really i mean first time doing it there and you learn some things like you know you need a spotlight so you can see yourself you're not supposed to be in the dark and hiding you know uh and uh turn

off the flashing strobe lights in the comic's eye you know so the whole time you're on stage you pretty much were having like seizures you know like ah i can't look and that the whole bar and stuff was really talkative because i think that's where all the strippers were and they were probably angry like hey what the fuck you know i'm not making any money here why am i here so they were just talking to all you know whoever was at the bar so it's really challenging to do but i think you know we you learn what to do and what not to do in the future i think it was an amazing turnout so people obviously want to see you know sam do more of those he bought it uh david are kept on it by himself well he's got i i don't know but i like what i from i what i heard he they've always

tried to do music and comedy right that place i've never been in there either yeah yeah i used to go there i should really get coke yeah my coke dealer used to hang in there i'd call him he'd come out and put it right in my hand and i get the fuck out of that there's a gas station next to a mobile yeah yeah yeah amazing but he wants to make it a burlesque burlesque place so that'll be interesting to see if he kind of changes it uh to like a jumbo's clown room which is a place i really enjoy i'm not saying yeah it's it's it's like a little burlesque place did we go there jumbo no i've heard about it once you want to take mama that love huh take mama doesn't want to see that yeah the girls love it what the fuck is wrong would you explain girls love that shit dude it's not

you do everything she wants to do you're dead yeah you gotta tell you gotta be the captain Kirkland why would i want to go see a burlesque so they're not even gonna make it i can have sex at home because you're not paying yeah it's just fun it's like going to a play but sexy you have to start laying your roots now you have to do this if you're gonna marry this broad well she don't like it who gives a fuck none of them like charles bronce and movies either but they sit through it you know why because you got the fucking cock in this motherfucker you're the set of nuts in this motherfucker that's why you're the captain Kirk in this motherfucker who's jew radio huh start off with some sardine and moulin rouge on thursday and then friday take her

what are you talking about drug 10 what she don't like what you take her to jumbo's club room you take her to a strip club where they're eating bananas and each other's pussies and look in her eyes and say this is what i really want to motherfucking do i want to find the woman who puts bananas in a pussy so before we get married get to it and shit let's get terry on the phone and see if you guys are going to jumbo's clown house i don't like bananas in your pussy but i'll tell you like crazy places you know what i'm saying yeah i love jumbo's there's a couple places that that are in law that's guy you know i don't i'm not either but there's a couple bars in hollywood that i really recommend that being one i also recommend that that place down the street the

the music place that's kind of like the the rock version of the comedy store what's that music place which one the famous music bar that's down the street from the comedy store the rock scene the one right next door to it the rainbow room the rainbow room that's another place that i don't know if you've ever spent much time there that's i went there twice not really i just didn't get it guys i want to see you there i went in there all coked up i just didn't get it you know guys when it comes to bars and discos that's where you lose uncle joey sorry that's where you lose me once you say hey i want to invite you to this hot bar you just lost me i did comedy there oh god oh my that is uh and it's very historical if you like music it's great

to walk into the rainbow but then you see some pathetic fucking people in there like sad like people tell you i was the first singer and motley grew they fired me after the second you know just shit like that that you're like you wouldn't tell that to somebody but that's their heyday that's their thing so i didn't like i didn't like coaching horses i wouldn't i wouldn't have one night so sizzled on coke that micah here my eyeballs were buzzing like they were begging for forgiveness like it was terrible you know yeah i didn't like i i still this day i really can't walk into a bar now you really can't now i have no interest at all once they say we're having a premiere or we're having a party where at a bar you just lost me you just lost me unless they give in our lobster

tales or something i really really really enjoy like free fucking blow jobs or something have you heard of this place called the comedy living room where it's gotten kind of in toronto no no it's here in los angeles where i i don't know my friend just did it last night but it's like in somebody's house where they just created a little comedy club and it's always packed and it's just people you know just hang out bring their own beer if they want beer i did something like that in marin and mark marin's show they had a place that's and they said that he's done it for years i don't know if it's my comedy living room but it's no no no yeah i remember that scene from from the tv show yeah tv show okay yeah what's up dog everything all right let me give a shout

out to you i'm pretty stunned sure you stoned what do you think you're fucking with with him these are these fucking uh yeah susquehanna animals i don't fuck around let's give some love to cori mo john wolf i love you cocksucker stoic network you mother fucker spreading love mr martin fucker rule magoo esp you know fucker rule magoo asquire i like your mouse brett mardon samantha rogers you sexy motherfucker put the church thing on your car and fucking spread the love i want to give a shout out to my people down in san diego alphamedic ink for fucking delivering them give them a call to deliver the fucking goods they gave me some of that fucking uh pr it blew my wig right off i don't even know what we smoked

there i think we smoked some of that that was some good fuck on me yeah totally not very interesting you were a young young young kid when i first fucking met you like at least 32 young scared very quiet you know been put in bad positions arguing with paulie sure arguing with a lady in tempi arizona uh you know it was fucking mind boggling for a few weeks man it was just uh i forgot about that woman in tempi tempi who touched the camera it was nonstop for a while we did this every week with joan i gotta tell you something i learned a lot from it and there was things i liked and there was things i didn't like like one thing till this day i don't like i can't travel a lot of people yeah drives me crazy it's too many too many people to baby

we had too many people you know you gotta get a fucking man i'm a grown adult now i would just have ubered everywhere you know like i'd be like joe let's just all uber right we all have uber there's some fun fucking cities like we had some fun times we when we went to austin we'd go to papa doze right across from the hotel and we'd sit in the back and get a table for six and we'd sit there for three fucking hours three hours and talk and eat and order and order again get the banana fucking pudding and get the with the vanilla wafers in it it was just you know we went to every rep were you with us in connecticut till this day that's the best steak i've ever eaten the michael georgian steakhouse that in connecticut at that place that resort where they did the boxing

the fights last week mohegan son mohegan son there was a michael georgian steak or foxwoods i would do i think it was mohegan son and we ate they gave us a seafood tower we went we've eaten everywhere mini apples wasn't that when we did also did that one sushi place like somewhere in weird where it was like a sushi place and they'd like had a stage where it looked like an old towny thing remember it was like in boston boston yeah was that was where we invented don't smoke in the car that was when he don't smoke in the car you got us in the car for an hour we would chicken pee yeah so we drove from boston oh i keep card yeah all the way out there first we did like a thursday night on the boat and then we went to chicken pee and we got sick on something the

boston market was fucking horrible fucking horrendous i love boston market in boston fucking terrible everywhere else is delicious you got a boston market in fucking boston who goes to boston market we did like assholes out of gas station we were fucking starving dog the chinese food was delicious at chicken pee i think people are there like majebrani was there last week gabriel plays there because of the food the chicks japanese but they're chinese you got a kids card like a beach town and you get chinese food i think it's chicken pee you gotta get fucking oysters the fuck stick the fucking place where you do comedy is chinese you're fucked okay it's not that you go to a chinese restaurant you go in the green room and there's 20 dishes

shrimp and lobster sauce pork fried rice spare ribs egg rolls but chow mein you fucking eat it that's what they put in there you know what i'm saying it's not it's you do wilberthine on friday or saturday and then you go to chicken pee on friday i think it's fucking chicken pee is it not i want to say it is yeah it's a chinese restaurant in fucking boston or something like that tremendous you have to walk you feel i don't even know what you feel you feel like you're in like an old town what's the movie with uh that joe talk hooky lal hooky lal where is it it's in chicken pee they do comedy there yeah that's the place i have our set somewhere i only recorded on video i'm fucking but okay wow that's hysterical i'm fucking i could do it he offers he makes me offers all the time

to do the oh wait never mind chicken pee's in the middle of the stage sorry i thought i was thinking of somewhere else yeah you're talking cape god yeah this guy i'm really high it's time to eat another edible yeah i need to straighten out straighten out oh mash pee probably so now you're it's hysterical that uh you're one of the people who are very vocal and me going back to the comedy store and i told the story of the end night why i went back and it all happened on sunday night when i drank some colonoscopy juice and i was uh i was fasting and i fucking was watching a movie and i just said you know what i should go back to the store and i gotta tell you something man it's a very enjoyable experience and i'm doing the show here yeah we're october first the secret

show discord secret show tickets on sale at comedy store it's uh it's just really weird that this is where it all came from and i've worked really hard at the movies nothing like the success of going on joe's podcast it's doing my own podcast and going on your podcast and it's just been this thing that you know you go on these podcasts listen out it's amazing like if you don't have a podcast now people are suspect yeah even if it sucks people are suspect like why don't you have a fucking podcast guy now do you when people ask you i'm sure you get this a lot like i want to start a podcast what would you like suggest do you give them any suggestions because it's to me it's really i i just don't know anymore if it's too late for people to start without a good catch now it's almost turning in

regular tv we're like what's the catch huh nah it's never gonna work son you know it's almost turning into like networks but not it's group wise like what people want to listen like do people want to tune in and find you know bob in his roommate you know in philadelphia sitting there in their you know trailer well you've i mean you've started a bunch of shows and i the in the past year i started a bunch of shows and some aren't here but it's amazing what makes like what makes a podcast work and what makes it when it doesn't work it really because we i've been very lucky and and you were on rogan and it's there's no like there's not that many podcasts that could get that kind of numbers because the hosts don't work at it or or people just aren't aren't connecting with it

and it's amazing it's it's just amazing that it what it takes to actually make it work for as long as we have i mean rogan's on what five something yeah rogan i mean yeah five fifty or something like yeah we just we just went over 200 can you i mean that's tens of thousands of hours i know it from talking to a lot of people you know who used to have podcasts to do podcasts that about it like a lot of people are like you know i just run out of things to talk about it's it's kind of gets to a point where like if this was if i was writing a book it's like okay i need to just eat some mushrooms for a couple of years and then start this second book up well there's two trains of thought here number one number one kind of thought you ever go see a comic you pay thirty dollars and he does

a great show and he hits you with great material then you go back again you take your friends from work you pay another thirty dollars and he does the same fucking material he's funny your friends have a good time you felt beat there's two trains of thought there's one person that says that was a great show and there's a guy like me who goes so you're telling me nothing interesting happened in a year that's what you're telling me and your life nothing interesting has happened in a fucking year because things interesting things happen in our lives every fucking day now the other train of thought somebody comes he says i want to start a podcast it's like the guy that comes up he says you want to start comedy you're looking at this guy there's some people this guy here is a real

fan of comedy the way i was a fan of music i know guitar players and where they were born and who trained them he's a fan of me comedy that's what he does you know i'm saying what do you want from it it's like a guy that comes here and says can i talk to you red man i want to be a comedian you know the type of guy that's just trying to bullshit there's people that just want to boast they want you to do the work for them then there's people that want to be a comedian because they either want to be a writer they want to be an actor they want to be a star define fucking star so when i'm writing my goals out i want to be a fucking star what's a star you want people to know you you want people to ask you for your autograph

do you want people to run at you the way they ran at the Beatles and 60 fucking four i mean what is it that you want so that's the same question with a podcast if i come to you and go red band i haven't paid rent in four weeks you didn't actually start a podcast and get a bunch of sponsors you're gonna tell them no it's not that fucking easy they're not gonna come flocking at you you know so that's what you're doing it for is there something you want to say yeah that's the reason i do it with this fucking good goods i mean there's a lot that i think at first i didn't think so at first i thought this was a show and we were doing it to popularize myself and maybe self-tickets at a comedy show not anymore because people are getting something out of this

when they listen to it at work they're learning a lesson from me they're learning a lesson from him they giggle they're getting something out of this you know we talked about addiction tonight you're saying how happy i was people gonna say we didn't know this joey we thought you were always the bowl of happiness that you always have been no i had problems just like you from 2005 to 2007 there was frustration there was being sick and tired of being sick and tired you don't know it's like to wake up every morning the first thing in your mind is where am i going to get blown from today not who am i going to call and tell them i love them what am i going to do with my wife for lunch and i'm going to pet the cat what joke am i going to write no you're waking up

thinking about when you open your eyes and you're looking to the world you're thinking about where am i going to get blown from that's a horrible way to fucking wake up so it's what you want to do whether it's comedy or a fucking pot you know who comes to you because they see the success you have dog i want to be in the rogan podcast just like that just like that you're going to be a star you're not going to tweet you're not going to write blogs you're not going to write jokes you're just going to go on the rogan podcast and how many people come up to you and say that to you you know many people email me and say hey man how can i get a hold of fucking joe and i go hit red band up i'll give you mother fucker i get it every single day yeah because they don't

understand joe has a process you could go to joe 80 times and tell him how much you like somebody joe look at you and go okay they don't think it's a plot maybe somebody's paying red band to mention joe Diaz to me i'm not going to put joe Diaz on out of fucking spite he's not going to put you on out of spite now because he thinks so you can't say nothing wow you think he thinks that bro anytime you come up with somebody what does he say anytime you say to him i think you should have this guy on your podcast what does he say to you if he doesn't handpick him right he doesn't want somebody else handpick him that's the way some people are they don't handpick him they don't want somebody handpick i used to like do most of the booking for a while and then he

started you know hiring people to book it you know and then i would do half of it and then now it's mark once in a while i'll just throw it like hey this person's cool this person's cool like if i'm hanging out with people that at the time i'm like oh yeah dude you should you'd be perfect for that you know like uh i was talking to him the other day about dean del rey because uh dean del rey has so many stories about hanging out with like you know axl rose and he used to be in a band for 25 years in san francisco and you know it's it i just think that it would be interesting i love hearing comedians stories like what because they're always always different and unique for a different comics uh you know at least the odds are it is you know that's what i don't know i really enjoy

i enjoyed too it's when you watch a fight that you like and also you find out he's a miserable fuck when they do 24 7 or when you watch for it may whether i've always thought that when li and i started doing the the fucking mad flavors world did we talk about stand-up comedy not at all we never said taping stand-up they already know you're a stand-up they already know you're a fucking stand-up they want to see how you treat your cat how you treat your wife what type of car you drive how you act when you drive you know they want to see they want to see and i i i have nothing to fucking hide you have nothing to hide li you know we we've been regular fucking guys i don't have a butler i love your shirt show i love the fucking shirt too it's i'm just like thinking like can i

wear that to starbucks i think i can i think i could put this on by mistake you got nothing great in the first class oh really sit in the first class with a blanket on let me give some fucking shout outs to my sponsors first and foremost for human optimization on it the best you understand me they're not minerals they're not fucking around over there you become a better person a better athlete a better fucking human being go to honet.com and see what they got they start with alpha brain you'll get sharper your dreams will be more fucking vivid you'll have dreams that you're sucking you're getting your dicks up to the island and she's finger banging your ass on she's every suck she pulls her hair out of your little hair have you ever had that

leaving they pull the hair out of your ass not in a while that's called a rotten louis it's tremendous anyway go to honet.com press in church in the box chu rch and get 10 off any products that they have whether it's the enzymes whether it's the shroom tech immune shroom tech sport strong one whether it's a strong bone get 10 off tongue uncle joey sent you last but not least my fucking motherfuckers at nature box i got two words to tell you motherfuckers you ready for this free snacks bitch who takes care you like uncle joey yes i'm giving you a chance for fucking free snacks all right drop the candy bar tell the potato chip people to suck your dick they're not good for you what's going to be good is go to naturesbox.com they're natural delicious snacks

we spoke about them at the beginning of the fucking show nature box gives you hundreds of different snacks and i mean they're fucking delicious nutritious and approved they're fucking amazing you know what the only problem in nature boxes you can't stop fucking eating them no and it's cool because when you sign up for the free box they asked you like what kind of snacks you like so i like all crunchy stuff and i they sent me so many it was it was delicious it was so many right now don't fuck around some snacks they have low in sugar and without gluten so do yourself a favor all right you heard it right from me free snacks to start your free trial go to naturesbox.com ready for this slash joey today right now why fuck around it's free on the

arm stay full stay strong i'm telling you right now these snacks are fucking delicious from the cocoa almonds to the fucking peanut butter nom nom you know nom nom i love that word nom nom that's something that a fucking momo says nom nom you want to go to the store nom nom yeah what do you want from the store nom nom yeah so do me a favor you're welcome bitch uncle joey gave you something for free go to naturesbox.com get your free nature box starter kit is that what it's called yeah it's it's like it's a tasting yeah who gives you that shit who does like you might like these delicious things who does this shit for you you know how why they do this because they're that confident they're that good after that you won't eat no potato chips no more bullshit go to naturesbox.com

press joey and get slash joey no and get your free thing what are you confusing me for no if you type it into the website bar slash joey go to naturesbox trust me on tanya don't listen to this fucking guy go to naturesbox.com and go to the box and press slash joey all right enough is enough why are you confusing me for enough is enough another thing you want to get pussy you want to sling dick but your underwear look like you know you shot a musket in there you got blood stains in there you got shit marks in there you're a filthy motherfucker and you ladies that's the first thing we do when we go to the house and we go to pee we open up the hamper if we see that pissy fucking underwear or crumpled up dipped in fucking pussy sweat and piss it smells like ranch dressing

you're done we ain't gonna give you a stabbing there ain't no flowers on valentine's day fuck all that shit why are you walking around with those sour underwears for you know how bad you feel when you walk around with bad underwears salad what is a salad dough it's unbelievable how putting on underwear makes you feel different you fucking walk around with more bounce i got me undies on right now they're tremendous they hug my balls my my ass holes not sweating my legs you understand me that's what me on these have you put your me on these on you how do you think they feel they're really comfortable you didn't put the undies on i put the shorts on how fucking nice i said you're walking around naked yeah you're walking around with a fucking leaf on right

or wrong go to me on these dot com that's how we do it here this is the church or what's happening now i ain't selling you know bullshit i ain't man i ain't selling you know fucking send some black kid with flies on them fifty cents i'm telling you right now this is the future i've seen the billboards i'm melrose me on these dot com i got mine on right fucking now my balls are floating like a hypnotist what are those people that just fucking i don't know whatever the fucking people are i can't even tell you how great they feel all right i don't know about no profound impact i just fucking put them on my asshole ain't sweat all right so do me a favor go to me on these dot com check out the pics all different styles on the west and for you girls this is what i'm

talking about guys don't like those crunchy fucking little underwear your thong when they crunchle up it looks like your little monkey smells like maple syrup men and women high quality materials that's what i'm talking about here the price i'm fucking happy us a fraction of what high end fucking designers want all right so to help you out go to me on these dot com press slash joey and get 20 off your first door that's right 20 off and if you go right now i'm going to give you free shipping with the united states or in fucking Canada this is for tracy ryan you got to get yourself a pair of these you sexy motherfucker all right i'm going to guarantee you're going to be happy with them trust me they're going to feel nice around your body your nuts acts are going to

feel beautiful go to me on these dot com slash joey and get 20 off and we ain't stopping right there all right you see me and my main man red band tonight smoking cigars these are the best fucking cigars in the market hit esigs dot com you know why tell them why lee because they last longer like 1200 two second pups that's a while that's a lot you go through you go through other ones in like two second two fucking days how every time i have this one and i have the cigarette i've had these for a week they're fucking unbelievable you get 20 off when you order from them so if it's 20 you get it for 16 you don't need you don't need fucking all those shitty pens you get at 7 11 you go to rows in two days they're 10 bucks for one 16 these will last you for fucking three weeks

how do i know because i'm smoking it you fucking momos do me a favor go to hit esigs dot com right now go to my web page and if you go to the banner they're giving away two free tickets for my weekend they got them next weekend that's what i'm talking about edible gob and the boys they don't fuck around over that hit esigs when they go for broke they go for broke they give them away tickets they're going to be there they're going to be giving away free hit esigs oh cool please yeah they don't fuck around this is a real company with real people and they back and they believe what the fuck they're putting out there so cut the shit go to hit esigs dot com and all the years you want to quit smoking this is how to do it they got different numbers for the nicotine you can start

with 24 and go all the way down to zero plus they got the fucking oldest cigar do me a favor go to hit esigs right now or go to joeydeas.net get a t-shirt get a mug and click on and win two free tickets to got them like and the code is i wish you were going anyway the code is joey's church i wish i was going to i'm trying to work it out but they didn't want you there right now they should get a warrant too many jews in new york that's the last time you were there you caused problems you know were you there before no oh i know i've been to gotham before when i went freaking around like six man i don't know what like high school age with my mom like we were just going i think looking at colleges colleges and we went me her my younger brother when he must

have been like 14 it was really weird that's a very nice that's a very nice story you just out of disney anyway do you vape a pence you could let me tell you some these guys always show up to all the events that were there yesterday for harry's taping i love david i love peter they're the real deal they showed up with los gumis or manos fucking tremendous the best the reason why you're floating on the head is because there's 250 milligrams of this motherfucker of the real deal holy this is the shit that they fucking give the ebola patients before they give them a shot of that all right so before they give you a bola they give you a fucking those gumis or manos and fucking around go to nailed at life dot com for all your vapor pen needs i may sound a little

stone for your little stoic right now i'm fucked up because of those gumis or manos and other things i put in my body you understand me how you feeling over there i'm good they're looking for them as joey ds but you called me at like noon and you're like i do you know how hot i am so you've been going all day i was fucked up i went to the park this morning with the baby i took the cart i took it to the other end of north hollywood park the hot side where the sun has not been away in years it's you bro you can walk with an ice cube and there's a part where it just melts it's so hot in this corner the sun even shines at night there and i started all the way over there i walked from the house i bandaged my leg really fucking good and i walked over at the cart the

reason why i go to the other side of north hollywood park is because it's an exercise part and she is fucking crazy about the exercise part she fucking goes bananas they have like swings and places where you do pull-ups and the sit-ups and she climbs and runs to the top and people get pissed off and i don't blame them it's a little girl and they're trying to exercise so i took her a little later i took after nine and i took it to the other end and me being an asshole you know i don't think that she's gonna even think about that thing it was far the fuck away she started looking at squirrels all of a sudden she goes hey this is north hollywood park that's the fuck and she just took off on me i had to run after her with the cart i knew where she was going she fucking boogie with her little

bottle in her hand she boogied all the way that fucking thing she played but i saw these red ants and i go this is how i get out of here these red ants are gonna get it and we kept playing playing and finally by one of the things he was playing and i heard her go ouch ah and they got her leg and started crying and i picked her up and you can see him going in her sneakers i had to take him out of there and she's like get me the fuck out of here those little motherfuckers so i walked her into the middle of the park and i put it down and by that time guys it was like 100 in that park at 11 o'clock this morning it was a hundred and that motherfucker i can see the sweat beads going down her neck the back of her shirt was drenched the front of it i put it in her little

police car and took her back home and when we got home wally cuz amazon she's like dad it was fucked up out there you know what i'm saying you give a little police car that you push her in yeah i bought her a little pink police car and i put the thing in the front i got her that a scooter with a helmet she doesn't comprehend the scooter yet she sits on it and she pulls it with her legs i'm like stand on it and i'm fucking pull you cocksucker but she won't go for that she got a little motorcycle wally bravo gave her like a little motorcycle for christmas and she sits on it she's got a horsey the horsey she's your sister and go yeah and she really does yell it's fucking amazing but taking it to the park is a lot of fun you know with those you know i got the bum

knee so i can't be chasing her down the fucking streets when are you gonna have a kid with this mexican bro i'm i can't wait because i think having a kid's gonna be fun because i just you know i like cartoons i like toys i like i still like all that shit i think it's fun like i look at bobby lee like like i watch his instagram and he's just like oh i got this new bubble machine and this electric dog at toy like that barks just to to to play with the cats with and i'm just like that's so fun i want to go to toys rest and get bubbles and you know a robot cat thing to fuck with my cat yeah do you buy shit like to fuck with your cat like robots and toys and i fuck with the lasers like uh i got a bazooka it's a bazooka no i have a flashlight i have one of those pink

lights that's all you need you turn the lights off and you take that light out and they go fucking nuts animals love that shit yeah fidel he's about three days away i'm about to kill him why won't stop fucking me i know i know i think there's something with the heat maybe oh i love no he's been going on for a month he meows all the time all the time he's just deep in your eyes and he meows long fucking distance like you're coming out of the bathroom to pee at three in the morning he's in the other room and you hear me you're like what the fuck fidel showy what if they're telling us and his mind does that also he does it constantly he's getting old fidel is getting fucking old that's what it is and ever since finny died that was his goomba and finny's

been gone for like a year and a half two years and he's been a little fucked up you know but i love fidel and i pick him up at night and give him a little bit right he meows can't harry never said a fucking word we moved to the fucking valley he becomes sammy the boogalvano he won't shut the fuck up you know demmy's pretty bad too yeah he won't shut the fuck up demmy will come up to you and start meowing till you pet him in gray and then once you pet him he fucking meows gray sleeps with me and that bitch meows every time you move if you move with the blanket she meows and my wife grows her the fuck out my wife ain't got no patience me i just hug her and when i hug her she gets pissed and she takes off so you gotta figure out how to get rid of them without hurting

their feelings i don't push them away i just do what i know they don't like like with fidel you have to like fucking blow on them you're like like a chinese you ever do that in chinese restaurant next to blowing a cat no anyway this next time you go to chinese restaurant with your fingers you put two fingers on top of two fingers and you blow one sign you're blown between them of the chinese guys see what happens no way really that means like your mother sucks oh the moment i'm gonna do that yeah just do it see what i don't know you're beat up by a bunch of chinese guys you're not gonna get beat up you could run no i can't you got sneakers you got those loose are you being serious is that now i need to find out if that's real i'm like i want to put you

tomorrow you got two fingers on top of two i'll sign them when you blow like that between the fingers chinese people lose their fucking minds that's chun kennedy you know chun kennedy should be on twitter right now doing fucking his job chun kennedy's the backbone of your organization lee what am i gonna do with you one more edible baby did you finish that peanut brittle finish that peanut bro no you're not even high enough i'm way too high lee you're not even fucking high enough it's early still what are you gonna do time what what are you gonna do red band what are you doing tonight my brother uh i think i'm going to go check out comedy juice i have to book a show i have to book fridays thunder pussies so it's comedy juice time uh improv and sunday pussies friday

thunder pussies friday la pod fest next week which is gonna be interesting yeah and then i'm actually going to the midwest with tiffany haddish and dean delray going to grand rapids michigan columbus ohio club and grand rapids uh dr grins that's a good one yeah and then whose booking is that yours who got you that i just fucking email and you email them tweeting and yeah stuff like that that's a good room and that's a great fucking room oh cool i'm very excited yeah i did great in that room that's a great room get the salmon yeah get the salmon it's good salmon good food yeah awesome get the salmon man good salmon good rooms good people it's got grand rapids michigan has the most churches oh really oh great so when they they thought like oh my god this

guy's crazy fuck no they take the ride that's a bad mother fucking town with some good mother fucking reefer so don't fuck around grand rapids go out there and see my main man red man and dean delray and tiffany haddish i worked for you and i she's so hot he's so great right oh my god just thinking about that little black monkey and then going to me excited columbus funny bone and then uh we're talking about tiffany haddish the black monkey dude sniffing that mother fuck i could sniff right through the jeans last time lee saw she was fucking talking dirty to lee lee's face got red at the laugh factory in long beach oh yeah talk let's say i'm gonna start on debt squad night in long beach yeah that's gonna be great you're coming down with me lee's gonna do the podcast

he's gonna be the dj lee lee's gonna be a combination dj podcast producer that night what do you think of that oh my god he's got an extra title but less money huh one more that's like america now you're getting fucking more jobs with less money guess what we gave you a title but you can't pay you for it you're like what the fuck but when you go work for podcast one you can tell them how many titles you had over here what what what lee what buddy they have you seen tiffany haddish with her leather pants on like where it's i mean it's it looks like she's a puma i've seen the videos you put up of her briefing yeah that's great she's amazing she really is a beautiful girl man i've known her since she was a young girl and before she was married wow when she was telling me and raffi

may in front of the laugh factory that she took a guy home and realized she didn't want to fuck him so like what'd you do and she goes i went in the bathroom and took a huge shit and put the door open so he could smell it and the guy smelled and he's like is that you god damn man he's like man she came out like yeah i've had diarrhea all day but that's the beginning of it that's disgust she's great and i mean being on the road with her is amazing because she's just insane like she just goes up to people and starts talking to him and just is her in front of strangers it's hilarious she's really great and so is dean and then we're going to uh funny bone columbus ohio one of those dates uh the october 16th in columbus october 15th at grand rapids dr grintz

in october 17th i believe is uh we're going to be at mortis in indianapolis that's a good one that's miss batz fucking yeah miss pat hooked it up for me on that miss batz mother fucking neighborhood what two times motherfucker and you're in brayer this weekend i'm in brayer this weekend i'm at the gotham comedy mother fucking club next weekend shut the fucking window tour begins again and then october 8th at the long beach laugh factory get your tickets tonight motherfucker a lot of interesting things going on what's up with you look at you looking handsome tonight see i'm very high you're going to finish that thing now why why not even one for your country i've had two for my country so what what do you got to do tomorrow what nothing you have nothing you're going to get up at 11

eat breakfast that's an hour and a half an hour and a half be yourself in the mirror that's another hour then you go to the gym do 45 minutes drive back home that's another hour then you go home rub your feet yeah then you'll pick me up and then we'll drive the fucking brain okay all right because if not we won't get the ho v lane i mean i'll do it whether you're there with me or not but we gotta get there and do some shit tomorrow okay and some people out you gotta fucking deliver the goods breaks and fingers breaks and fingers all right you ready for the drive tomorrow sure how fast you think we're gonna go you're you're always driving like 90 we're gonna smoke tomorrow more how many fucking the other bulls we're gonna eat we ain't fucking around no more league

the church what's happening we're gonna set our mark and enforce it all these other people saying they do this and they do that what do you think my brother red man i agree uh not much been doing a lot of designing clothing and shirts and hats and cups and mugs trying to pay the bills it's it's a lot of work man my my apartment actually looks like uh japan like like foxconn like a like a foxconn but if it was like in a like a a tent somewhere my living room's a fucking mess and my animals just have created forts out of merchant merchandise and stuff and bags and boxes and oh trash is horrible on that fucking note there on that depressing fucking note so buy some merch guys help make it

worse thanks oh yeah buy some merch and red man he needs uh gets he's got everything he's got beautiful hats he's got a new hat those are very nice hats those are very nice and you have the matching purple with purple purple yeah did you get like all the colors like purple blue because it could be like i have a blue one on where those for your geese yeah you could sell them as purple belt you got one like you got to make a brown one then a black one yeah you get your debt squad fucking rash guard a lot baseball shirt you see i'm saying leave it out so you're coming to prayer with me two nights what else than saturday nights you and mom are gonna tie her up yeah sure they're gonna jumbo's gonna roll hot and you gotta take it to places and turn around and shit after a while

we do i just what do you mean we do what do you take it i don't know crazy the hotels in Irvine no i'm talking about uh like tell her you're going to dinner at arty morn's okay and then drive us somewhere like fucking for like a nude strip club and walk in there once you're gonna why are we here because this is where we eat steak you want to go you don't have to even tell i just say i'm taking you to eat steak that's very vague what's the name of the place i don't want to get the address in the gps you walk in there they all strip clubs have a steak and you're sitting together a lap dance and watch her fucking get grinded on and shit watch her little glasses get fogged up oh baby oh shit and she'll get you a lap dance and she'll get turned down she would

not get me a lap dance you have to pay for yourself and let her watch it oh i don't want to break up with this girl you have to break up what are you having fun this is what you do you want a heart on right and then you make two girls come up then put a titties in that face and shit and take it to the next level and you leave and then right in the car dog you take that little jew dick out you take a little skirt off and it's all over the shower and she'll say not here fuck it right in here it's true this is it lady these are the you're a young guy this is what young guys do we think you prepare you have a condom ready fuck no you rip that fucking skirt off you take that little dick you pop that mother fucking you do it right in the car like i didn't bother you are you see that

there's going to be a male uh birth control you can you can get in a couple years who gives a fuck i'm talking i do that the shit into your nutsack listen lea you're worse than this fucking guy you understand me i'm trying to tell you how to make this mexican blood and you're telling me about a male fucking how to not have kids are you fucking retarded just tell me that all right this show is officially over i'll be in brand this weekend i love you cucksuckers with all my heart thank you very much to honor thank you very much for nature's box thank you to me on these hittiesigs.com and nail the life i love you guys thank you to my main man red band love you for always putting death squad putting us on the map and getting

this whole movement started into my main man the flying jew lisa yet for fucking making my dreams come true fucking god you know i shit into your nutsack but i do it's like it's weird is why i want to eat that shit because you know you're losing it you wouldn't get it yeah i'm gonna get it well not now but what do you've gotten it it's i'm 51 i got one foot in the grave one of banana peel you think i give a frenchman's fuck about nothing pregnant bitch right now i'm not now but when you were my age wouldn't you have fuck no that's the whole fucking gamble just giving out yum yum juice i just never had good yum yum juice yeah yum yum juice yeah like sperm if i would have good yum yum juice to give out you got i wouldn't pregnant 18 women yeah you just got to trick

him to think that i wasn't healthy you know my cocaine blood levels were high yeah you just got to tell him like look you it's going to be a retarded baby if you want to have it you know oh god now that the show is officially 100 percent over don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box that's what's called sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels go to naturebox.com slash joey that's naturebox.com slash joey also go to meundies.com slash joey and you're gonna get 20% off of the most comfortable underwear for men's and women so if you go to meundies.com slash joey you get 20% off and you get free

shipping in the united states and canada uh go to on it uh look at the shape of you cocksucker go to on it.com you go to church you get 10% off and for all the oil and wax smokers out there go to naileditlife.com to get the premier vapor print on the market use code word joey Diaz to get 20% off and go to hitesix.com use code word joey's church to get 20% off of these cigars and and uh e-cigarettes. Jesus. So much. I know I know. I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you my love You've been learning baby I've been learning You've been learning

You've been learning baby I've been learning Way way down inside I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you my love You You You You You

You Way down inside One more You need You Oh Hey Hey

Oh Oh Oh Oh I'll keep you cool and baby I'll keep you cool and baby I'll keep you cool and baby