Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #215 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, November 21st… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by The Freeze Pipe, CBD Lion & DraftKings… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. $150 in Free bets: New customers only. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pregame moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 free bets. Ends 12/31/22 @ 11:59pm ET. Stepped Up SGP: 1 Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Min $1 bet. Max bet limits apply. Min. 3-leg. Each leg min. -300 odds, total bet +100 odds or longer. 10+ leg req. for 100% boost. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms.   THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com   CBD Lion %35% off Black Friday.  Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH For 35% OFF Your Order for their Black Friday Sale!    Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #TheFreezePipe   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. Greetings you bad motherfuckers, it's Monday, the 21st of November. The joint is brought to you by The Freeze Pipe. I'm dreaming of an ice cold Christmas, a beautiful cold Thanksgiving with Freeze Pipe. You freeze it, you pack it up and you smoke one until your fucking eyeball pops out. The hot smoke passes through the frozen part, cooling down the smoke as you inhale.

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Get yourself a new bong, pipe or bubbler today. That's The Freeze Pipe.com, press in Code Joey to save 10%. The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. Listen, these guys are the best, I've been working with these guys for years and they never seem to fucking not impress the shit out of me. Whether it's the kinesiology tape, the cream, the fucking back walls and now they got the fucking Delta 8 gummies. Listen to me, you gotta go with them and I'm gonna give you some fucking motivation.

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This is fucking real. This year has flown the fuck by. Before I even start saying anything, I don't know what the fuck happened Sunday night in Colorado Springs Saturday night. Some fucking guy went crazy in a gay bar, took a fucking gun or whatever. I saw that Sunday morning when I woke up and I gotta be honest with you guys, something that always bothered me was I had to take a test in 1992 like a parenting test and the results came back that I had no empathy and that always fucking bothered the hell out of me.

Who the fuck doesn't have empathy? I don't know if it was a fix, I don't know what the fuck it was. But I'm the type of guy when I read something like that, no matter what it is, like the next morning, whether it's Buffalo or Uvaldi or whatever the fuck it is, you always think about those people the next morning. I can't imagine having a son and I get a call at four in the morning that some guy walked into a bar and shot him. And you gotta go down there and identify him and find out what the fuck happened.

Nobody's giving you answers and then on top of that it's fucking Thanksgiving leak. It's horrible having to bury somebody on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I don't know what's going on in the world. Who the fuck knows anymore? We're just lucky that we don't get in a situation like that. I pray for people to never get in a situation like that and hit home because one of the guys that comes on the podcast, one of my dear, dear friends, Eric Rocha, he's gay and he's from Colorado Springs.

So I called him last night and didn't get an answer from him. I just, you know, hey listen man, I'm not Johnny fucking therapist, but something like that happens and hits close to home, you know. You gotta reach out and say hello, how are you feeling? Everybody takes everything differently, you know. Not that he was gonna be in Colorado Springs, he lives in LA, but that could happen anyway, you know. And what kills me is like later on that night, like Sunday night I went out and I got back and write something on Twitter or something that, you know, right away this comes days after the Republicans.

I mean, I'm sick and tired of everything getting politicized anymore. You know, everything's got a political agenda anymore. Everybody's got a conspiracy theory. You know, it's crazy what the fuck is going on out there, you know. If you're, I don't know, if you're intelligent, if you're not intelligent, you gotta ask yourself what the fuck is going on from time to time. You know, the damn Patreon, one of my friends on Patreon sent me one of the guys on Patreon, good guys, been on there for like a year, sent me a YouTube clip and he's like,

have you seen these, you know, and you go on there and you see a fucking two guys I've never even saw before on a podcast, just destroying Burt Kreischer. Like just destroying Burt Kreischer, but the movie he's doing or the movie, the trailer came out or something like that. And listen, whether you liked it or fucking not, I mean, the movie hasn't even come out yet. And there was two kids trashing Burt that the movie sucked. Look at this, look at that. And I'm like, I don't even know these two guys. They had to be like 25 or whatever, but just trashing fucking Burt and his movie.

And I'm like, you know, I'm his friend and I didn't even call him up and go Burt that fucking trailer or whatever. It's just crazy. I'm looking at him going, who the fuck wakes up in the morning? You wake up, you fucking John Leguizamo's at war again. This time with Steven Segal. Yeah. And it's like guys, you know, all of a sudden like fucking everybody who's putting out a book lately has got to trash somebody. You put out a book, this guy from friends with the pills.

He's trashing fucking Keanu Reeves. The chick put out a book. She's trashing fucking this guy. It's like everything that comes out is to try somebody now. It just can't be fucking. It just can't be like a book. Like this is what happened to me and my fucking story. And this is what I'm going to fucking stick to.

You know, right away we got to go throw a tag at somebody or something. Listen, I'm the king of that shit. I love busting people's balls and I love to have a good time, but I'm not going to write a book to dedicate it. It's just throw little digs. But here's the funny thing, guys, just so you know where this comes from. Just so you know where this comes from. When those people go in to pitch those books, I gotta tell you, this is going to make you laugh. I had about four meetings with different publishers before I sold the book, you know.

And a lot of them were like, well, we didn't really want to talk to you because of what happened with Rogan on the podcast and, you know, the blow jobs. And I'm like, you know, wow, this is surreal. Like that's going to fucking take my chances of fucking selling the book, you know. But anyway, I got to be honest with you, man. The bigger publishing companies, they didn't give a fuck about my story. They really didn't. They were like, and they mentioned specific fucking names.

Like, can you tell us any dirt on this guy? You know, you being in Hollywood for 23 years, that's what they want. They want, you know, that's what they want. Don't even give you an extra fucking hundred thousand. Like, have you ever seen the movie Molly's Game about Molly, the chick that was in charge with gambling? It's a bullshit story. It's got to do more with Spider-Man and Leonardo DiCaprio being part of the game. But Molly's, whatever the fucking name of the movie, Molly's Game, Molly's Book, whatever the fuck it is,

she talks about it. She goes, when they offered me the book, the reason why I had such a low guarantee they call it like a deposit, whatever the fuck they really call it, was because that's what they ask you. They go, are there any juicy fucking details in there? You know, we know. Like, they even did their work. Like, do you have more to add on Whitney Houston?

I mean, they just had questions. And I'm like, no, because that's not what the book is about. The book is about a loser that was a loser that was a loser. And then some way he got lucky and he fucking became a comic. And next thing you know, he's on stage with Joe Rogan and Bill Burr. That's what the fucking book is about. But a lot of people don't know that, that when you sell a book, especially if you're one of those people, like a tell all book,

like if I fucking call somebody tomorrow, like a book publishing company, I want to tell you everything I know about this thing that happened. I give you, you know, they'll ask for fucking proof that you have information and all that. So your fucking advance is ginormous. So whenever you see these ads for people, oh, Gina Davis put out a book and she's trashing fucking scumbag and fucking, you know, the guy from Friends, whatever his fucking name is, Chandler, put out a book and he's fucking, you know, he's blaming his addiction on the dumbest fucking things in the world.

I just, I can't even read that shit, but I know where it's coming from. So now you people know that when that shit goes down, they gave him some extra money. He sold his fucking soul. Me, I didn't want to fucking sell my soul. I've sold it enough. I didn't want to start with this shit, but that's what's fucking going on this week, man. I'm excited this weekend. I had a fucking group blast.

You know, we've been all looking, I go to jujitsu as a hobby. I'm not a fucking fighter. I'm not planning on fighting nobody. I don't fly through the air no more. I don't do, you know, I do the best I can guys, but I go to jujitsu just to stay healthy. It's more of a, of a social thing for me. Like I go there and see people and talk to people my age and younger. You know, you wrestle, you're fucking sweaty, the whole thing, but it's a hobby.

It's a hobby that I've never fucking had. Like my hobby was comedy. That's all I fucking knew that for the last 40 years. My hobby was to watch movies, study them, and then I became a comic and I went after that. So that was my fucking hobby. So me and my wife were talking a couple of months ago, like we just need some shit. You know, we need something going on in our life. My wife went back to work last week, a couple of days just to do something.

You know, there's days my wife will say something to me and I go, that's the mind of somebody who ain't working. Because if it's something that small, you wouldn't fucking worry about in a big fucking world, you know. So she started working, but something else they called her from the rec son and they asked if she wanted to coach girls basketball. And she was like, sure. So she put a team together with my daughter and some of the girls from softball. I went to the practice last Wednesday. I did not know what to think. Guys, you know I'm a basketball guy.

That's my world. Before I became the biggest loser in the world, I loved basketball. I loved it. And then somebody broke me freshman year and I never played again. It's a fucking shame, you know. I mean, I played pickup games as I got older and I gambled playing basketball on myself. We hustled people, but I never played whatever no more. And that always weighed on me.

That weighed on me for fucking years. That was like a, it was more like something that I never wanted to do again, you know. And when I quit basketball, I walked away from it. I walked away from it. I played my freshman year. And then by February of March, I got into smoke and dope and party and big and I'm like, I'm not going to play basketball. I'm not going to take this shit.

You know, either I start or I'm not going to fucking. I wasn't willing to work, you know, and I quit. And I walked away from it. And I saw the kids that I played with and came up with become varsity basketball players. And I got to tell you something, guys. It wasn't my mother's death at the time. It wasn't that I was confused. It wasn't that I was doing drugs or I was a criminal.

One of the things that weighed me down the most was just quitting something. That has such a fucking weight on you that if you don't give a fuck, you know. And then once you start quitting things, guys, it builds a pattern for you to quit everything. It gives you an excuse. That's it. I'm quitting. I'm quitting. I'm quitting.

You know, you ever meet those people? What happened to your job at the, oh, the guy was an asshole. What happened to your job at the window place? Oh, they wanted me to work nights. What happened to your job at the bartending place? Oh, the guy wouldn't let me fucking drink on the job. You ever meet those people? Those are the people that always fucking quit when the going gets tough.

And guys, I was one of those motherfuckers. Like I said before, when I get into comedy, I got into comedy because I tried everything to fuck else. I was a cook. I was a bartender. I was a roofer. I fucking laid railroad ties. You know how many of those jobs I walked away from after like an hour? Like to say for me, there's too much work.

Like I'm not doing this. I don't need to do this. I could sell an eight ball. That was my fucking attitude for years. And it was made to me available to me by quitting basketball. It was just something. And guys, I was never a fucking quitter. It was just something I didn't like how I was treated.

I didn't like that they wanted me to fucking work. I didn't like that they wanted me to prove myself. And I was, I guess somewhere in my, in my heart, I thought I was above that. And I just walked away from it. And looking back, I talked about this in the church in the very beginning that I had quit fucking masonry. I was a roofer. You know, when I was a roof, I was a little old and I didn't quit my wife dumped me. So I lost my fucking family job.

You know what I'm saying? It's not like I quit roofing. I would have still been roofing, but I quit. I kept quitting shit. And it was all due to that one basketball fucking season when I just go. That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. And I tell you guys, it ate fucking away at me.

And I think that's the reason why it took me so long to get on stage. That's the reason why it took me so long to propose to my wife because I always wanted to make sure. You know, when I got out of prison and I got put in a halfway house, I was infatuated with fucking Andrew Dice Clay. I was infatuated Andrew. I was infatuated with Tennyson. I was infatuated with Bill Hicks. I mean, I was just infatuated. And I'm like, the last thing I wanted to do, honest to God, was to go down to comedy works, get on stage, and me not like it.

That was fucking fearful as fuck. Because if you don't think I thought about that at that time, I was fucking 25 years old. I had nothing going on for me. I was a felon. And now I'm about to put something else on my fucking shoulders, which in my mind, I thought I could never do. So part of my fear to get on stage was that if this didn't work out, I was going to be in a tough fucking position. This was going to get tough for Uncle Joey. I would have had a fucking double up.

I just didn't know what it was. And I like to work, guys. I like the fucking gift of working hard. I like outworking people. I love fucking outworking people. You know, I love all that shit, but it was just so fucking difficult for me to do anything, because I was addicted to coke and everything. You want me to work eight hours or ten bucks an hour, and I'm going to make $80? I can make $100 on an eight ball.

So that was the stupid excuse I would give to me to fucking legitimize why I would quit whatever the fuck I did. And guys, I had opportunities that most people would pray for. Pray for. I was thinking about an opportunity I had back here in 1984. You know, I had worked in a lumber yard when I was a kid, and I picked up some good fuck. Like, I knew some shit from that lumber yard. I mean, I really fucking did. It was a part-time job for me, but, you know, I had nothing else going on.

I mean, I was going to school, but when I went into that fucking hardware store, I learned my shit. I would organize screws, fucking door jams, fucking saddles for electricians, plywood, wood, fucking marine plywood. I fucking knew it all. So I got a job at Masbach Sunny Hardware when I quit high school to support myself and my stupid drug habit. And after that, I fucked around for a few years. I was thinking about this job the other day. I got a job offered to me with no high school diploma, no GED at the time. I just went in there, bullshitted them, and I was experienced enough.

And I got a manager's training program at Masbach Warehouse in, like, fucking... I like to say, like, East Rutherford or something like this. This was 1984, summer of 84. You want to kick yourself in the head? You ready for this one? It was a 40-hour week at a desk. Uncle Joey got a desk job as a salesman and helping people order, like, you know, just a salesman. And then I worked overtime in the warehouse.

They would let me work 20 hours a week overtime at the warehouse at, like, 20 bucks an hour. Okay, 20 bucks an hour. It's like 400 fucking bucks, okay? Plus the fucking, like, 16 I was making in the daytime. I still remember not having the money to go get a fucking dress shirt. Like, a dress shirt. But here's where it got weird. My days off were Monday and Wednesday.

I liked the Wednesday. I liked the Monday. I wasn't crazy about the Wednesday, but the opposite of that was I had to work on Saturdays and Sundays. The first week I worked, I worked, you know, Tuesday. I think I trained the first week and it was fucking superb. The first week I had, like, a marvelous fucking week, but I worked Monday through Friday. The following week I came in Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and it was like July 10th or something like that. And all my friends were going down the shore on a Saturday.

And I was like, come on, man. So I called the guy up and I made some excuse about Saturday morning. He's like, don't worry about it. Just come in Sunday. I got to go down the shore and come back and jump up and down the Quailudes. And I went into work that Sunday. And Sunday was brutal because my friends were going back to the shore like Montego Bay to eat more Quailudes and jump up and down. I'm like, fuck this. That Saturday I went in there and I was the only salesman there on a Sunday.

Like, what am I fucking doing in here? So that Monday I scrambled. I went in there Monday and I'm like, listen, guys, I came to Saturday. I had a problem. Sunday I came in here and fucking, you know, it was like a ghost. The phones didn't ring. It's the summertime, guys. Is there any fucking way until the winter can we just... I worked the whole fucking week. I worked Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to fucking 10 at night.

I didn't give a fuck at that time. I just want my weekends off. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? I'm here to talk to you about DraftKings. Tonight you got Arizona playing San Francisco over and under 43 and a half. Fucking the line is, I think, 8. San Francisco is laying 8. It all starts with fucking DraftKings. The best, the official sports betting partner of the fucking NFL. New Betters bet $5 to win 150 in free bets. And right now we got fucking the same game, Parley Boost.

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Download DraftKings, cock-suckers. I just want my fucking Saturday off so I can snort some coke and jump up and down with my fucking friends. The guy goes, listen, I love to accommodate you, but these are the rules. I guess I'll see you this weekend. It all works out, brother. This is a great job. Insurance, fucking benefits, pension, I mean, fucking free insurance. This was amazed to give you free insurance, dental, toe jam insurance, asshole insurance.

You had everything, eyeball insurance. And I worked at those three days and that Saturday I fucking just said, I'm not doing it. I kicked myself in the ass for that job for years. And shortly after that, maybe four months after that, I was fucking homeless. That was the beginning of the homeless. So how much do you think I was kicking myself in the ass in that rocket ship for walking away from that job because of Saturdays? Because I couldn't work Saturdays. Oh my God, how will I get my life together?

I can't work fucking Saturdays. That is the most immature, dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. But I did it. I did it. That's the type of quitter I was. I had ten of those fucking jobs. My buddy got me a Longshoreman book. I went one time and then loaded bananas left like in the afternoon left.

I got bit by a spider or something like that. Twenty bucks an hour. My other friend got me a job at APA loading trucks. I went there with a fucking eight ball. I loaded three trucks. I sold the gram and I got the fuck out of there. Yeah, this was guys. This was constant.

I was America's biggest fucking quitter at every fucking level of the game. It was pathetic. And I still remember holding off, holding off. Then I didn't quit that job in prison. That's the only job I didn't quit. I kept that job for the six, seven, eight months that I was there as the fucking warehouse supervisor driver. That's the only job I couldn't quit. Because if you quit, they put you in the fucking south now for 24 hours.

I was like, fucking, I got to maintain this job. So when it came to stand up comedy, I was like, if I try this and I quit, and I quit with this felony, I am officially fucking done. Done. Done. And I was like, okay. And I waited and I waited and I made double fucking sure. And thank God it all fucking worked out when I walked off that stage.

I was like, well, when I walked off that stage, I quit, but it wasn't quitting comedy. It was quitting my fucking day job. I'm like, I got to get out of this fucking job now. How am I going to fucking do comedy with this job? But I stuck with the comedy and I stuck with it when it was fucking the toughest. Yeah. When you're an apprentice, you got to go get coffee and you got to dig fucking trenches and you got to fucking pick up trash around the job. And you got to fucking, you know, when you're a prep cook, you got to cut.

And for the first year you cut three of your fucking fingers off. You walk around like a yakuza, you know, you have to pay your fucking debts. And that's when I was giving up. I refused to pay my fucking debts or something with comedy. I had, it just got so fucking old. It just got so fucking old. I had another job fucking shoveling snow. Not the 13 an hour with a, I used to shovel snow for 13 bucks an hour, but it was like a hand shovel.

And I was really casing out joints in Snowmass Village. But then I got a job fucking shoveling like a little fucking truck, like a little high low and shit. They gave me like two grand for clothes. I think I bought a t-shirt. They gave me two grand for winter clothes. Like, yeah, like I was working in a fucking plow. They wanted me to get a body suit with heaters in it and shit. They gave me two grand advanced.

They take it out of your check. I just went and bought Coke and bought like a t-shirt, like a fucking thermal t-shirt. I remember going the first time they guys like, where's your jumpsuit, man? I took a $500 jumpsuit. Where is it? We gave you money. I'm like, I lost the check. You know, whatever.

That job was like fucking 65,000 a year. And guys, it was the winter. The winter. That means if I would have had that job year round, I would have made a buck fucking 30 as a loser. 65,000 in the winter. November, December, January, February, March. $65,000. I fucking did it one night.

They came to my house. They beeped the horn. I was coked up. I gave them the finger out the window. That was enough of that. I was a volunteer firefighter. Guys, over three. If I, you know what?

That's my project for next week. It's going to be kind of quiet. I'm going to write jokes and shit. I'm going to write out every fucking job I quit and then put them posted somewhere on Instagram. You guys will fucking die. And the quality of fucking jobs that I walked away from. Yeah, I walked away from a lot of like fucking, you know, you know, short order hamburger maker shit that anybody could do by fogging into a fucking glass. But guys, I walked away from jobs that most people go, Joey, are you fucking kidding me?

Not only that, I was a felon. I was a fucking dropout. I was a coke fiend. And I was still getting these jobs. But that's too fine a job that I got. You know how much that's too fine a job. Hey, do you have any fucking idea how much the sports betting service, how much money you make off that shit? I made $60,000 December of 94.

$60,000 in December of 94. I did it 92. And then they fired me at the end of 92 because I was just going in there with tissue papers in my nose. I swear to God, I would just walk in there with two tissue papers coming out of my nose like fucking Dracula. And they would go, Joey, you can't snort coke in here. I'm not snorting coke. I'm absorbing the coke from last night. And then I would take the tissue out and put it in my mouth like a fucking, like a fucking a pouch that you dip in your fucking in your mouth.

Guys, craziness. But it was all attributed to me letting might like, okay, I just fucking quit and I'm with comedy guys. I had to think about this before I told you. I probably quit comedy 50 times the first two years because it's always like I just bombed a whole week straight. Never mind bombing one show in front of people. That's okay. You can live with that. How do you take a week long bomb?

Like, think of getting on stage Monday night bombing, Tuesday night bombing, Wednesday night bombing, Thursday night bombing. Maybe one joke worked. You had one bright spot. You fucking made a stupid improvised joke and one of your jokes made people giggle some stupid joke you wrote. Friday night bomb. By fucking Saturday, you're like crying to yourself. If I don't get a lap tonight, I'm done. I'm fucking quitting this shit.

That would be me on the coke and on the fucking alcohol the night before. I can't take these bombs anymore. I got to do something. I would fucking sit there with the Judy Carter book and fucking fat tire and fucking cocaine and I'd try to write fucking jobs. It was terrible. But the whole night I'd be fucking. I'm quitting. I'm quitting after tonight.

I don't need this shit. I'd start looking at the jobs in bold and then fucking the next day. I'm like, where am I getting up on stage tonight? Thank God. I am so fucking happy that I didn't let my pussy ass shit take over the fuck. But it all goes back to, and I always say this, guys, best day of my life was the day my mother died because it toughened me to fuck up to no end. I went from fucking zero to hero. Not that I had done anything, but I understood what life was.

You know, when you're a kid, you walk around like, what's rent? You know, what's the gas bill? What's, you know, mom, can I buy that sweatshirt? Not even thinking it's $20 when your fucking parents dying. You're alone in this fucking world. You learn fucking quick. I was like, okay, this shit is fucking quick now. But I had that little pussyism from having a Latino mom that, you know, oh, it's going to work out your next game.

No, there ain't no fucking next game, bitch. It's this game where I should have fucking done what I was supposed to. And that's what the problem is with those lenient moms. It's like, oh, he did okay. No, he fucking didn't. He scored in the opposing fucking basket. That's not okay. You know what I'm saying?

You got to work with that fucking retard. He can't be doing shit like that. And that was my thing. My mother had me fucking soft as fuck. So when I quit, when she was alive, I didn't even tell, like, did you play bad? Like, oh, I was always getting tortured for playing basketball. My black people would come out, hey, you can't dribble the ball at six in the morning, you know, all this shit. I'm like, now you're fucking happy.

I'm not playing no more cocksuckers. But I take quitting is fucking one of the worst habits. You can get yourself involved in it. One of the worst, one of the fucking worst because you'll quit everything. You'll quit relationships. It makes you quit jobs. It makes you quit opportunities. You'll quit bands.

You quit everything. You don't have the ability to sit there and go, okay, this is what needs to be done. And I have this time. Listen, guys, that's maturity. That's fucking maturity. It's like I always say, when you're 20 years old, when you're 18 years old and you're graduating college high school and somebody comes to you and says, join the service. You can retire in 20 years. You're like, fuck that.

20 years is too long. 20 years ain't shit. 20 years ain't shit. Think about it. You're 18 years old and you're fucking getting out of the army at 38, 5, $6,000 a month pension, college education, and you go get another fucking job now and keep your fuck. So even if you make four grand a month with the five you're getting from the government, you're not fucking, you're fucking, you ain't missing any goddamn meals. You're not. You're really not missing no fucking meals.

So it's, you can't look at things like that. It's like comedy when I tell people. And I read it all the time. People send me emails. You're wrong. Comedy doesn't take that long. It just took you that long because you're a loser. Okay.

Okay. Whatever. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. I see people who are stuck for five or six because it is the other thing with comedy. Why you don't want to quit and why you don't want to quit anything. Okay. Because when you start doing school, listen, what do you think?

When I go to Jiu Jitsu, I'm down there sweeping people and submitting people. I'm stuck half the fucking time. I don't know what I'm doing. And there's tons of days that I say to myself, you know what? I'm fucking about to be 60. Why am I here? Why am I here? And I won't let myself quit.

Even if I just go in there and make it to the fucking warm-ups, I will not let myself quit because it's something you cannot do. You have to stick with it. It's like people who quit diets. How many diets did I fucking quit over the years? You talk shit on the Sunday this week. I'm going to eat salads and then the fucking Tuesday morning, you're eating an ice cream bar at eight in the morning.

You know, with Weight Watches, I stuck it out. But that all went back to stand-up comedy and learning that 10 years is not a long time. Think about it. Think about if I said to you, you could have this in 10 years. These are the things you could have in 10 years if you stay healthy. You're not going to be a millionaire, but you're going to have security. You're going to be able to pay your rent. You could be able to take your girlfriend on a trip anytime she wants to fucking go.

You know, that's what gets my dick hard is that I don't want to be rich, but I don't want to go fuck. I wish I had money for a fucking hot dog. I did enough of that over the fucking years where you wished you had money for anything. So it's just don't let yourself quit at any fucking level, guys. I mean, it ruined my fucking life for 10 years. You know, and even after the fucking stand-up comedy, I think I did some creepy things like just day jobs that I didn't show up to

or construction jobs that I ended up just robbing a hammer and quitting and I was, you know, it snowed here on the East Coast this weekend. Whatever, it snowed up in 77 inches up and whatever. And it's been cold. It's been really fucking freezing the last couple of days here in Jersey. And a couple of nights ago, I had to take a ride somewhere and I had to drop some off in my friend's mailbox. And I pulled up and there was no parking.

And I went over to fucking, I went over a thing of leaves, you know, and I thought about Tony Soprano when his fucking son, when the fucking car blew up or whatever the Nissan truck, the utility vehicle blew up because you have a catalytic converter over a bunch of leaves. And I was laughing. I was laughing about the scams I was doing when I first got into comedy. Like, not when I first got into comedy. Like from 94 to 95 and a half, it was the big Latin boom in Denver.

So all the car dealers were looking for Latin salesmen, you know, Spanish salesmen. I had, you know, I had a pretty good reputation selling cars in Boulder and whatnot. So I had like a pseudo cousin who told a bunch of people in Denver about me. This kid speaks Spanish. He's Cuban. He's a comedian. So he could do your advertisers. You're not going to believe this fucking story.

So for about from, I wish I was kidding you guys, from the time I landed in Denver, which is October of 93, November of 93 to June of 95, I had no money for a car. I used to borrow the car from the, from the deli. They had a delivery car that used to have, what do you call those things that pulls and it has a hook at the end to seal it down. Like if you, you put a TV in a bungee cord, that's how you close my door. With a fucking bungee cord. Okay.

If you made a fucking sharp left, the door opened up a sharp right, the door opened up. I got all those stories for you motherfuckers. Okay. I don't want you to think that, you know, there was a Mercedes Benz. So I went back there and I'm fucking driving this car and shit like that. I don't even know. Oh, and my cousin said to me, you know, these people, Douglas Toyota, Rocky Mountain, Nissan, John L. Wayne, let me tell you something.

I picked them all apart every month, every six, every fucking 10 weeks. I'd be in a new dealership and this is my deal. $5,500 draw a new car to drive and the commercials. I have to shoot commercials for like, you know, Latin. I love to find those fucking commercials that I did. They are God awful. But the first one I did them for was Douglas Toyota. So you would shoot these stupid commercials.

Hello. My name is Antonio. I'm here in Douglas Toyota, where the whole fucking deal. And then people come in and ask for you. Holy shit, guys, is I fucking making money. But I would take these comedy gigs and then I would have to go to the people and go, hey, I got to do this gig. I'll leave. You can't leave if you leave your fire done right there when they say you're fine.

Okay. And I get on the phone right there that dealership when I call the other dealership and go, hi, do you need a Latin department? Yes, we do. Who am I speaking with Joey Diaz? I'll be there tomorrow morning. I would go over there for fucking a month and I would ask him for two draws and shit. They'd give me a car. Guys, I did this every other month.

Some guy gave me $1,000. Some guy gave me $1,500 to start. You know, I get in advance at the videos. It was this is fucking being an open micro guy. This is what you need to do when you pay your bills and shit and they kept putting it. But the night that I still die about was I went to work for a dear friend of mine. A friend of mine called me in El Wayville. He lived out in maybe Lakewood.

That was the name of it. Lakewood Jeep Eagle. It was one of those Bob, the guy owned like 20 fucking dealerships in Colorado. And my friend Jim Handy, the same guy who talked me into comedy. I got to give him a fucking call. He reached out to me and he goes, hey, I'm over here running this thing. Come on in. I go, Jim, that's all the way out in Lakewood.

I need a fucking car. He goes, just come pick whatever fucking car you want. So I went out there the first day and took one of those jeeps and shit. You know, those nice four door jeeps, nice fucking pieces of shit. The door would fall off. I remember one day I was selling one of those things in New York and the passenger was in the driver's side and I went to get out. And guys, I was 185 pounds at the time.

In 1993, I was probably 215. I'll never forget that I grabbed on the thing to get out of the car and the whole ceiling fucking came down the car. I was like, holy shit, I'm not selling this car. But this is the best ever. So I go to work with my friend, Jimmy, and I'm working for this guy named Bill Bow. Bill Bow was a solid fucking booker. He owned a motorcycle shop in Fort Collins, maybe, or one of those Greeley. He booked his part-time gig.

He was in the comic. His part-time gig was booking these shows in Wyoming and fucking hell places. Places where you never even dreamed of going, but he would find a barn and pack it up. And what I tell you, they were barns, guys. It was like, you could smell the chickens and shit, but he paid. He paid and it was states time. Who the fuck am I to... But one of my best nights ever, I went up there to the gig and they're talking snow and shit like that.

It was one of those... Mitsubishi had the Eclipse, so Jeep Eagle had the matching car only with an American name. So whatever Mitsubishi was selling with the Eclipse, these guys had whatever. And I took a brand new one off the fucking floor and I took it up there. I think I was meeting some girl and I wanted to impress her some bullshit. And not two minutes when I get to this fucking gig in Wyoming, I see a fucking snowflake like this big. Like one of those big motherfuckers just lands. Like I could see it all the way down.

I'm like, that's a big ass snowflake. And once it touched my glass, like a thousand of those motherfuckers were everywhere. And I went in, I think I was emceeing. So I had to do my 15, bring up the Rick Kearns and then bring up, I forget who the headliner was. And that night they were like, guys, just coming down. If you guys want to spend the night here, it was one of those two footer snows in Wyoming. They fucked, come down down there. And I'll never forget getting in that fucking car and flying down the I-70 or whatever the fuck I was.

And at one point I couldn't see because there was so much snow and I pulled over. And I'll never forget this. I pulled over, but I could see there was a gas station there. And I'm like, maybe I'll go over there and get something to eat and stop. But I need to stop over here because I couldn't fucking see anymore. The snow was coming down at a high rate. And all of a sudden, I smell fucking smoke. Right now I'm just sitting there, the car is on, I'm just relaxing.

I smell fucking smoke. And I'm like, where the fuck is this smoke coming from? It's a brand new car. It's a brand new fucking car. Why should this car be smoking? I swear to God, I get out of a fucking car. And I can hear like crumpling paper. Like when paper is burning.

There was a fire under the fucking hood, guys. And I'm talking about, it reminded me of trains, planes and automobiles. It was one of those type of nights only with heavy fucking snow. My God, guys, I'll never forget looking at the car and it started burning and burning. And then fire was coming out of the hood and shit. The car was still running. I just happened to go in there and get my fucking bag out of there. I sat there for about 15 minutes like a fucking snowman while that car just burned and burned.

I didn't know if it was going to blow up or not. I'm not going to be here for when it fucking blows. I walked that fucking half a mile to that gas station that went in there. And guys, I looked over like an hour later and that car was on fire and fucking fire trucks were there. I'm like, holy shit, how am I going to get home? So I paid one of the guys and he's like, we're just leaving now. We'll pick you up. What happened to your car?

I go, you'll see when you get me at the gas station. And that was the end of that. I guess I had to quit that fucking job. There was no chance of coming back. I just called Jim on Monday and go, your car's in Wyoming. Get it towed. What happened to it? It lit up on fire.

I don't know what happened. He called me a few days later. He wasn't mad at me. It was like a timing chain or some shit that happened. Yeah. So, but that's where we're at today. It's Thanksgiving week and I don't want to take up all your time. I don't do a fucking hour no more.

If I got 40 minutes to talk, I talk for 40 minutes. If I got 20 minutes, I talk for 20 minutes. If we got two hours, we'll talk for fucking two hours. I like these Monday short ones just to give you the train of thought of what I'm thinking about. You get it and you fucking move on with your fucking life. The key word today is not to quit dick guys. It's not good for you. It creates bad fucking habits and he'll follow you.

Listen, I quit at 16 and it followed me to fucking 28. 28 was when I quit doing fucking, when I quit, quitting things that were good for me. Don't quit. Don't ever quit anything. Stick with it. You know, stick with it. Just stick with it. Guys, I fucking struggled a lot with comedy guys and my feelings were had a lot along the way.

And there was many a days where I was like, I'm going to get a fucking day job. And I would go, if I quit, that's going to put me back in the level I was 10 years ago. That's going to put me back in a different level. I'm going to keep doing this, whether it's success, whether it's TV or whether it's just having a job the next 30 years. That was my fucking goal. And that's how you have to look at it and look at it for success. I didn't look at it. Did you see Dave Grohl in the Hollywood fucking thing playing with the guy from the Commodore's Dave Grohl has to stay home.

It's got to start staying home. Start staying home. Cock sucker. Anyway, that's it. And that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I will see you Wednesday morning. Tip top, Magoo.

So you have something to go. I'm Thanksgiving. Have a great day. Stay black. I love you. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right. I want to thank you guys today to putting up with my shit.

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I want to thank the freeze pipe draft kings and black Friday CBD line 35% off. I want to thank you fucking savages and I'll see you Wednesday morning tip top my goose. Stay black and I love you.