Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #216 - Joey Diaz, Joe Rogan and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 24, 2014

Joe Rogan, Comedian, UFC Announcer, and host of The Joe Rogan Experience joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/23/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - The Ocean Allman Brothers - Sweet Melissa  

This show is sponsored by Naturebox. Naturebox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free Naturebox sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, free Naturebox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. This show is also sponsored by meatundies.com. They have men's and women's underwear and if you go to meatundies.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off of your first order. That's 20% off when you go to meatundies.com slash joey. And right now you even get free shipping in the US and Canada. This show is also sponsored by hitesigs.com. The proof is in the vape. Longer tasting better last

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You thought it was safe, pop suckers. It never is. Wednesday night, special edition. The church of what's happening now. What? Tell your wife to shave that monkey. We're going in, motherfucker. We're going in. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? If you got painkillers, take them. You jinxed me. This is fucking, that was fucking tremendous. That was my first Led Zeppelin hour. That's the first one I ever had. That took me to a tremendous level. And I would listen to Houses of the Holy. I would listen to dancing days. And I was so young that I was scared of no quarter. So I would skip over it and go to the ocean. You got to be a certain age to listen

to no quarter. You ain't ready for that. Yeah, I found about Led Zeppelin from this girl that lived up a street for me when I was 13. There was a girl that lived up the street that fucked everybody. She was 21. And I was 13. And she fooled around me, but I couldn't get it up. I was too young. But she played comfortably numb the first time I ever kissed a chick. I kissed a 21 year old chick when I was 13. And she's grabbing my dick, but nothing was going on. I was panicking. But that song comfortably numb will always be associated in my mind with that girl. And Black Dog. That was the first time I ever heard Black Dog was this chick. She turned me on to Zeppelin. Turned me on to a lot of good music, man. That's amazing. When they take me,

you go home and go, what the fuck was that? I was listening to it. Oh, I had no idea. Because the only music I had heard when I was 13 was probably I knew KISS. I knew about KISS. I was a KISS fan already. But I didn't know about that many bands. It was hard. You had to listen to the radio. I didn't have friends who turned me on to too much music. It was hard to find out about good stuff. So when I first found out about Zeppelin, I'm like, how the fuck did I not know about this? So I got my car today this morning. I ate in the morning and Philadelphia Freedom was on by Elton John. And I started singing it. And my wife is like, when the fuck did you learn these lyrics? I go, Doug, this is sixth grade on Fridays. And Mr. Ovito will let me go up in front

of the class at one o'clock. And I would sing Philadelphia Freedom with lips in it. And my eyes adored you by Frankie Valley and shit. I used to take motherfuckers deep with Elton John. People don't remember Elton John. Every once in a while, I get caught up in Elton John. I can't even go in the house. Country comfort? Funeral for a friend. Last week, something was on. Daniel, my friend. And there's two gay guys live across the street from me. But they're the fucking weirdest gay guys because they don't go out. They don't do nothing. They sit in that fucking household deck. I want to kick that door down and go, you know, let me tell you, fucking gay, get out there. Dick is free. Sperm is free. You go to Santa Monica. You know what?

Dick is free. Free. These two gay guys stay in the fucking and they're not gay together. What? They're not together. They're roommates? Yeah, they're roommates. And they never fucking go out. Every once in a while in the daytime, they take a cruise. They're in front of the house feeding cats. So the other day I got out of the car, I was listening to Elton John and I was blasting. I was stunned. You know, when the weed and the music just connected as one, I pulled up to the house and they were like out there and I opened up the window and I go, nobody in this country remembers when Elton John used

to sling dick like a motherfucker and they just looked at me, looked at each other one in the house. Nobody in this country, nobody gave a fucking was gay. Like you had an idea him and Bernie Toph and were gay, but you could be, but who gives a fuck dog? Street fighting man. Yeah, whatever. All that shit was just brilliant. You know, any, anybody that that song, it's a little bit sunny or funny. You know, that shit, everybody knows that fucking jam. You broke up to that. You gave a girl your first hickey. You fingered somebody so that there's always some rocket man, rocket man too. What's the one and what's the movie about the young kid? It was the writer and they all got on the tiny dancer. What is it? And they all were singing it on the fucking bus and you were feeling

it. You're like, God damn, how good of a fucking song is that? When a band, when they're not supposed to be, that's supposed to be theoretically and almost famous. Wasn't that supposed to be led Zeppelin or somebody big time that they were writing about when they were on the bus? I thought it was Morrison. Wasn't it supposed to be Morrison? I'm not sure. I don't think it was the doors. Well, although speaking last Friday night, fucking the doors live at the Hollywood Bow was on. If you haven't seen that smoking number, get some fucking juju juice, whatever. Speaking of smoking a number, these e-cigars, I never even heard of an e-cigar. These are fucking good. It tastes like a cigar. It's amazing. And they have different levels of nicotine because I'm not a smoker,

so I got zero just to try it out. It tastes the same. It's great. This is great. I love this. It tastes like a real cigar. I go to Vegas. I don't feel like an asshole no more now. You go to Cassini. I don't feel like an asshole no more. It's discreet. Whatever. At least it saves you. You know why I hate getting cigars? Because I spent $30 on a cigar and I smoke half of it. You know what I'm gonna do? Put in a baggie in my pocket like a Puerto Rican and I'll walk around and they always taste like shit. Yeah, no, I can't. So when do you have time to actually sit there for four fucking hours? You can get a little one. A smaller one. Well, on the east coast, they have cigar loungers or like whether they have like nice leather furniture and you can get

a drink. That's really fun. They have one right next to the improv. Do they really? Yeah, they've had that one. They've had that, yes. Kevin James and I used to go to Fat Stogies in Studio City across the street from Jerry's Deli. I didn't know they had them. They were so much fun. God damn it. God damn it. I had something for you. I didn't print it up. My friend sent me a poster, a picture, that's really a post. He's gonna give it to me in New York, of the number one pool hall in Cuba in 1951, like when it was booming. Dog, 200 motherfuckers in there. Dressed impeccably, like impeccably, like no jeans, like suits on, women with minks on, little things and champagne on buckets and these motherfuckers are shooting pool and you can see like the daylight

come over the beach and shit. God damn Cuba, 1951. Isn't it crazy how Cuba used to be like the playground? This was the place. This was the place. They all would go there. Kennedy would go there. The mob would go there. Everybody went to Cuba. You know, actors, ambassadors, it was just that place to go. Well, how long of a plane ride would it be for Miami, like 20 minutes? Like how long could it possibly be? 40 minutes or so. It's not even 90 miles. So it's from here to San Diego. Yeah, that's like not even half the trip to Vegas. They have to do a circle just to feel just to make it worth it. You know, listen, man, I don't know. Before 9-11, the trip to Vegas was 40 minutes. After 9-11, Austin, it became an hour 10 plus. They doubled the price. So trust me.

Well, those are those fees like 9-11 fee. This time the plane in Vegas has been 50 minutes behind and they still got me here on time. You know, like from Vegas to Burbank, they know it's not that fucking. You think you really think they took a securities route? Really? Why would they do that? Because how guilty would you feel if you took somebody for a half hour from here to Vegas? It's not a guilty thing. It's charging 234 fucking dollars. The fuel. The fuel costs so much money. They'd be crazy to do that. I don't know, dog. Yeah, they'd be crazy to do that. Fuel is the number one problem with air travel. The reason why they have to jack the rates up all the time is jet fuel keeps getting more and more expensive. Are you serious? As car fuel gets more expensive,

jet fuel gets more expensive. But car fuel is not that bad right now. It's not that bad right now. It's 360. Do you remember when Bush was leaving office? Yes. Ron White started flying commercial and that's when he got busted with weed because his fucking ex-wife, I don't know her. Maybe she's a nice lady. I'm just on Ron's side. But she ratted him out and said he was going to be at the airport with weed in his pocket. So the cops met him at the airport with his luggage and busted him. They get this thing for a little bit of weed? Yep, this thing for a little bit of weed. You can Google it. He went to fucking, I mean, I don't know if he got arrested, went to jail, but he definitely got popped at the airport. And it's because he was always flying private because he

was doing the fucking blue collar tour, just balling out of control. Did you know Bill Murray got arrested for weed? I read that today because I was reading something about him and his relationship with the guy who just died. He got arrested with like bails of weed. Bails? It was a lot. I'm gonna have to look it up. I read an article today about like the relationship and he wasn't making, he wasn't paying rent and him and his brother had like 17, something crazy, like huge amount of weed. Let me look it up. You know, he took a long time off of movies and Bill Murray's got a brother who's a priest, like a big time fucking priest somewhere. Like I've heard this a couple fucking times. Bill Murray is an Irish. He's Irish. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. He was arrested with 10 pounds.

What year? Let's see. 1970. Whoa. That's when 10 pounds is really 10 pounds. That's before acting. That's pre-acting. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. He got, yeah. Was it, was that before Saturday Night Live? Yeah. Saturday Night Live was 73, 74, 75. He only got probation. He got five years probation. First time offense, 10 pounds. 10 pounds, a lot of fucking weed. I'm addicted to running. I can't stop smoking marijuana. I can't stop smoking marijuana and I need white chicks. Can you tell the stories about bringing guns back from Colorado to New York every other weekend? You know, Bill Murray's the real deal, man. When he played the guy first, Gonzo, he played the, right at first in the, where the Buffalo Rooms. He really, you know, that's why I saw him. I saw him in fucking

Woody Creek time and he was sitting with the dude. He's preparing for it? Yeah. Like he did a great fucking job in that movie. A lot of people sleep on that. Nobody ever saw it. Nobody even knows that movie exists. I have that movie. You have it at home. I own almost huge Hunter S. Thompson fan. Yeah. That is, when he answers the phone, when he's arguing with the dude or he's talking to him real mildly and he just answers up and he goes, what? Yeah. I lose it every time. I know where I saw that movie the first time. I, you know, where were we with the other night? What were we watching the other night that people were going? Blues Brothers. We were in the brand, probably watching Blues Brothers. Me and Matt Fultron losing it. They

seen at the bar. At the bar. Losing the debt when he played, when they play and they get hit with the bottles and they do a stand by your man. Fucking Belushi was just on a different level. Oh yeah. I don't know. Do you say it's the drugs? I'll tell you, when you do that many drugs and you wake up the next morning, the next day you're very unconscious. The best days I had as a salesman were nights I fucking, I felt my spine tingling. You know what I'm saying? Were nights that I fucking felt the electric jolt of cocaine, I would be a sports salesman and I would wake up and go in there and by 12 o'clock at May 3 grand. Is it like a hangover? What is it like? It wasn't, it was a hangover but I'm unconscious. I really don't know what I'm doing. You know, when you

think about things and you go into something and you think about it, you can't really, it's when you don't think about it. It's when you're just flowing and I would just flowing again. I would say, shall we? No nerves. What is it on Saturdays? You always do great. And I remember, I used to snort so much coke then that I couldn't even get sprays to open up my nose. So I would take two tissues and just stick them up my nose so the drain and I would sit there all day with two tissues. They would look at me and go, what's up? Nothing. At the car dealership? No, at the sports dealership. So I'd be on the phone, talking, but even with cars, my best days were after a 10-hour fucking binge-a-thon. You know, it's fucking amazing. Last night I was telling you guys, I went to the

Dodger game with my uncle. Now this is the same uncle that we pulled guns on each other 25 years ago. This week is the 30th anniversary. You guys pulling guns on each other? We pulled guns on each other on September of 1984 on Vermont Boulevard here. Really? Down here? Yeah, right in the car with my uncle and my mother's brother. Blood. Not like, oh, we're brothers. No, blood. Grew up together, Q, but the same house. Liz and Glendale always has. Since I used to come out here when I was a kid. I used to come out here when I was a kid. I don't know whose fucking buzz that is. Stop it. I don't have one of those things. When I first came out here, when I first came out here, I came out here when I was eight, nine, and ten. And we go to the Dodger games,

SeaWorld, Malibu. We go to his different jobs. I know my mother died. I could have came back with him. But I was like, California, what the fuck do I know about California? I kept in touch with him. And then when I was 21, I said, fuck New York. People are looking for me. I got to get out of town. So I came out here and I tried to make, give this a go, you know? And he wasn't going for a job. He was like, you got a room upstairs? You got a week to get your shit together? You don't get it together in the week. You got to go, dog. And I was like, I thought you're my mother's brother. But he threw me out. And I couldn't take it. So I tried to rob him. I couldn't go home with nothing. So I pulled guns. We pulled guns. The cops came. The cab came. Because I was robbing

him as he pulled up. And he called the cops and the cab came. So I swore to God, I go, next time I see him, I'm going to fucking shoot you, you motherfucker. I mean, this was terrible. This was horrendous. Didn't you call him from prison? Was it him? Oh, I used to call him from prison and tell him they won my dolly. I used to tell him, I'm going to fucking call you. I know what it says. I'm going to come after you. And I would hang up on him. I was pissed. I was pissed about it. And now you're going to dodge the games with him? Yeah, man. It's, it's the way. We had him on the podcast. We had him on the podcast. We had him on the podcast. He's deep. He's 70 fucking six, dog. He walks five miles a day. Listen to me, gentlemen. He brought

two pappata, pappata, pappata seeds to the game. They're like little apples. They're dry apples. They have the highest level of oxidants that's known in any fucking fruit. Dry apples? It's not a dry apple. Do not quote me on this. It looks like an apple. He has to go to Huntington Beach to buy him. He brought walnuts, organic walnut and something else. For the last 50 years, he doesn't eat like a Cuban person. He eats like a fucking gentile from Studio City, but he goes nuts like organic milk because whole milk makes you swell up. You give him flame. I mean, he didn't stop. Every time I see him, it's a fucking ear beating. He brings his own eggs to a diner and makes them cook them. Yeah. He don't like regular eggs like you. He don't, he don't believe

in eggs from the store. He don't. They are very different. He's got to fucking get his own eggs or they got to eat organic grass. I should have brought you over some eggs. Oh, I could just imagine. How delicious are real fucking eggs? I get almost a dozen eggs a day. A day? Yeah. How great are they? I got 24 chickens. And how great are they? Oh, they're tremendous. They look different. The yolk is like a dark orange and they taste different. They taste better. I mean, I get them fresh. Fresh? Like, I'm eating eggs that just came out of the chicken that day. How long, I never understood how chickens, do they have to have sex because it's like sex or they just keep laying eggs? No, they lay eggs every day. If the hen fucks them, the eggs are

live and the eggs become a chick. But if the rooster, if the rooster doesn't fuck them, then they just lay eggs. I don't have any roosters. So the hens just, they lay eggs. They're just duds. They lay them every day. Almost a duds? Yeah, they're duds. Oh, wow. They could never become a person, a person, never could become a chicken. I didn't know that either until I got chicken. Yeah, I never, because I knew they did it every day, but I was like, why it's crazy that vegans won't eat chicken eggs? Like, they cannot become a chicken. It's impossible. And look, if you go by my house, my chickens are like my friends. Like, they come and hang out like Jessica loves them. Their chickens are the kids love them. They're fucking

their little animals, man. They're hanging around the yard. You pet chickens. Oh, you can pick them up and everything. Oh my God, they're beautiful. Yeah, I got 24 of them. And you have a little place for them and everything? Oh yeah, they have a big house. They have a chicken house. I had it built. They go wandering around my yard. And then at night, they go back in there. They go back in on their own. No, no drama from the animals. There's been, no, not from my dogs. No, but there's been coyote drama and hawk drama. The hawks see them and the hawks are trying to get in on them. But the area where they at, there's a lot of trees and they go into the trees. And so the hawks have to have an area to swoop in, grab them and then swoop back out. And they're a little too big for

that. So now, but when they were little, there was one of them turned up missing. I'm pretty sure a hawk got one of them, one of the smaller ones. It was a long ass time ago. But the coyotes, coyotes go around the fence and they look in every now and I catch them looking in. I'm gonna get a fucking pistol and air pistol. Set them up, set them up, put a little cat food out there. Pink, pink, pink. No, my uncle makes everybody hands down look bad. Like he's food. Yeah, it's amazing. No rice. No, no, nothing. Just he's real healthy. He's been juicing for 50 years. He's like these fucking jackals. They think they invented something. Me and Jacqueline had a talk 50 years ago and he told me about juicing. Did he really have a talk with Jacqueline? Jacqueline was, he was the guy

that was doing that a long time ago. He would take like a fucking giant bowl of vegetables and juice and down juice and down. So my uncle said when he came out here and 50 something, he came out here to be somebody's maintenance man. He was working in New York as a maintenance man, a building and an actor lived in the building. That was a soap opera guy. And he goes, I got a big house in LA. Could you come out there and be a maintenance man? There's a house there in the back. You could live back there. It's like, fuck it. I don't want to live in New York anyway. He came out here. Then the guy had some TV show. So my uncle would go down to the studio and he said he meant that he was like in Spanish. It's really funny. He was telling me how he was mesmerized

with Jacqueline. This guy used to do pushups with one fucking hand, you know, like the Cubans. That's huge. He was a fucking savage. And he always said then that you always should eat a carrot blended or something. My uncle said, but an onions. I heard Jacqueline used to go fuck garlic. Yeah, garlic. It's a shame. And he, yeah, he was the original juicer. So he's been juicing. He juices. He only has a certain, he hasn't eaten sugar in 50 years. The word is a Jacqueline would fuck everything that moved. Female or male? Male. No, female. You know, when I was a kid, I remember waking up and that motherfucker had an exercise show at 9 a.m. with the suit. Oh, yeah. He had the suit. So you never know. I don't know the fucking jumpsuits. No, no, he would, you know,

he would, he was eating healthy before everybody. He was working out like deep into his 60s and 70s. He was doing stunts. Well, like for his 60th birthday, he told like 60 boats behind him, like swimming. He did a bunch of really crazy shit like that. Like he was an incredible fitness, incredible shape. But yeah, fuck everything. You couldn't go near him even when he was older. When he was older. I mean, which makes sense. I mean, why would he be so motivated to have such a great body like deep into his 50s and 60s? If you work out that much, you know, you're fucking horny as fuck. Yeah. When you throw a metal around and push ups and pull ups, you got dick for three or four people. You really do. You really do. When you have weights and shit,

like when I was going at a kettlebell gym, I really like to fucking deadlifts and shit. I had dick for days. Like I could jerk off, give somebody a stabbing, and I too have to bang one out again standing up. That's the worst. You got to bang one out standing up in your bathroom, hiding against the doors. Yeah, there's something pathetic about jerking off standing up. I haven't done that alone. Oh, that's a disgusting way when you have to bang one out in the shower and then you're late. I like hotels because you lay down on your back and it just comes like a foul and you don't give a fuck it's your own cum. My married friend, since he has to do it into the toilet, like he does it on his iPhone in his bathroom because it was girlfriend. Oh, yeah, he should be

shot. Oh, God, that's sad. I would never just shoot into a toilet. You gotta play with it. See, the thing is too about like when you're away, like if you go away, like if you do like a comedy or something like that, where you go on the road, you come back home and you know, you miss your girlfriend, you miss your wife, you're looking forward to seeing her again. But when you're with someone all the time and you can't even jerk off because like you're at work all day, can't jerk off at work, you get home, she's home, you're there together every night, day in, day out, the monotony and the grind and then you're jerking off into a toilet. That is just something just defeating about it takes all the zest out of life. You're just hiding in the bathroom. Why are you in

there for so long? What are you doing? I don't like that. I like work. Let me I have to get a Q tip. What are you? Why is the door locked? What are you doing? You've been in there for five minutes. What are you doing? You just concentrate jerking off down downward jerking. Because you just you don't want to miss the toilet. You don't want to shoot all over the top. You don't want to upper deck your load. I don't think I don't think that's accurate about that. I've jerked off everywhere. I have found a way like this time you're sitting there. You know what? I got 10 minutes, right? You never whacked off when you were in the trailer for your fact. Oh, I whacked off. Fuck yeah. You just you never whacked off when you were editing.

And then office? No. You by yourself. You ever whacked off driving? Fuck yeah. I'm not not fully, but I've like gotten horned up, but I've never I can't imagine coming on like that. Oh, I fucking whacked off. Have you really? Yeah. Fuck yeah. You look for an old McDonald's bag. You wiped that fucking sperm on it. I get nervous when I sneeze when I'm driving. How do you know the backseat that turns green in three fucking days? I only whacked off once while driving. And I remember after I jerked off while I was driving, I was like, great. Now I jerk off in the car too. I was thinking I was going to do this all the time. And I for whatever reason, I only did it once one fucking time. I think I did it one time when I was driving limos.

I just lifted up my shirt, shot one all over my stomach, put the shirt down, padded it down, went about my merry way, coming back from New Hampshire. I was talking to somebody today who had to get a fertility testing. And I'm surprised more people don't miss like the cup, like just get into it and forget about the cup. It was really weird. He was telling me the head like an apple TV full of porn, like mostly a lot of transvestite stuff. He said a lot of transvestite stuff. A lot of transvestite stuff. How would he know how much transvestite stuff they had? He looked blue. Let's see what we got here. Well, this one's not doing it for me. He said there wasn't a lot of girl and girl. That's what he was surprised about. He said it was mostly

regular like big boobs or gay and transvestite. Big boobs or gay and transvestite. Wow. I wonder what their business, where was this? We're part in LA. I don't know where he went. But it was, I almost got tricked tonight by a transgender person. I was in subway before because I know this edible is going to kill me. This man, I guess came in, but I couldn't tell from behind, had the best ass I've probably ever seen on anything. But then I heard jeans and a t-shirt, white jeans and a jacket. I didn't see the shirt. But blonde hair. Yeah. I saw her walking up and down. Yeah. She's a hooker. But I heard it in her voice. I was like, Oh, that's not a girl. And then she turned around. I was like, Oh, that's really not a girl. But I can't like, I got tricked. Like, have you ever

been tricked? No, you get tricked if you suck this dick. That's how you got tricked. You didn't get tricked. But you just saw and said, let me get my shit together before she hypnotizes me. You know, if you ever want to see the really transvestites, you have to get up very early in the morning and go home late at night. And on Santa Monica and Vine, it is like fucking the walking dead of transvestites between maybe 430 and like eight in the morning. Santa Monica and Vine. That's a creepy area. Santa Monica Vine, Santa Monica, La Brea, Santa Monica, Highland. Well, that whole area is sort of deserted. It's very strange. Not at four in the fucking morning. It is. It's not like at six in the morning. Like I used to go down there to a nine o'clock Weight Watches meeting

on Sunday. And I'd still see them out from the night before they have Weight Watches meetings. Yeah, you have to go to meetings. I didn't know that. Yeah, you have to go to meetings. So it's like an alcoholics anonymous thing. Yeah, you have to go, they weigh you, then they talk about knowledge for an hour, how to avoid this, how to avoid that. Either when you go on vacation, eat the toast with the big potato, you know, little shit like that, you know, eat toast with big potato. I'm just saying, you know, what the fuck, they just, it's like 35 minutes, you go in, you pay your dues and you get the fuck out of it. Huh. Some people weigh in, some people don't weigh in. Some people go down there just to not lose

weight at all. They'll go there every fucking week just to get out of the house. It really is an amazing thing, you know, but they have them like at nine, 11. Isn't that what happens with a lot of people? They get involved with almost anything. Like there's a lot of things that people do where they're just trying to get out of the house, whether it's going bowling. And I remember I went to a Renaissance fair once and there was, you know, everyone in the Renaissance fair, pretty much everyone talks like they're from another time. They are a middle lady, you know, does thou want, you know, they speak that way, but this one lady wouldn't do it. She was breaking character. Like she was just there to hang out and she was complaining about her husband.

Her husband won't take his medicine. I went to the pharmacy. I got him all this medicine. And this other chick was pissed off that she wouldn't, you know, go along with it. She goes, sorry, I don't understand. What does thou mean about medication and prescriptions? What are thy speaking about? Like she was speaking, you know, she was like trying to, the other bitch was like mad at her. Like, come on, cut the shit. I'm talking about, I'm trying to complain here. She was just trying to complain. She just, she wasn't into being in the Renaissance fair. She just wanted to get the fuck out of the house and bitch and wine. And so she put on some crazy European outfit and went out to this Renaissance fair and was just trying to treat it like it was

just a normal coffee shop. Just hang out and, and wine about things. My dad does it in Florida. He retired, he moved down there and he was bored. He does this like community patrol thing in a police car. Like the sheriff's office has it. He does it like four hours a week. They give him a real uniform. He goes around and he had to learn the codes for things. He's gonna shoot a black dude. What's his name? Zimmerman. That's where he started out. We had this conversation on your podcast about, I always believe that if you want to do something, you know, you just keep showing up. You know, and I thought about it after like when I lived in Seattle, Seattle was my real open Mike era. You know, so Mondays and Tuesdays, let's say 20 people there. That's what the list

was. 20 people. Everybody had six minutes, seven minutes. The last two guys probably had 10 minutes. I said those 20 people, seven of them were just there to fill a void. But do you goof on them? No. That's what works for them. They have a local job. They just want to do comedy as a hobby, you know, but that happens in everything. I went to today. I said, fuck it. I was sitting there. Nothing going on. I said, you know, I want to try these knee pads because when I tried the knee pad first, after the surgery, it didn't fit. So I put this knee pad on, and I go, it fits. I put my knee pads on, just go to jujitsu and just do hip escapes. That's it. Just make the legs go that way. Make them go this way. Once I'm gonna get tired, I'll get the fuck out of the dog. I was

drenched. And there's a big difference between an elliptical sweat and jujitsu sweat. Jujitsu sweat, you know, when you got it on, you know, it's on your neck and shit, it's coming out of your head, poison shit. It's tremendous. You're doing no G, right? No, I do G. When you do a G and you know you're working out when you take that G and you just fucking wring it out. When you get that big, heavy, thick canvas G and it just soaked. Oh my God, today I went to pick it up just now. Let's see if I can throw it in the hamper yet. The smell was still wet. Oh, the smell. The neck was still wet. I was like, it's six fucking hours later. But it's funny. I went down there today and Tuesdays and Thursdays is a very small class compared to their night classes. But there's one guy,

that walks into class dressed with his gear ready. No warmup does not, never, never been there at 1230. Go sits down, his feet are always dirty, sits down like kung fu, doesn't do hip, doesn't do any good warmup, sits there, watches the technique, does it five times on each side, gets up, bows and walks on. Huh. And that's all he does. He just wants to do a couple drills. That's it. And he works as a security guy. And where are you, where are you training at? Right down the black. It's right around the corner. It's called V-MAC there, right around the corner. I'll bounce. Like I'll go to V-MAC, but V-MAC doesn't have all the classes and I can't do Wednesday nights. I can't do Monday nights. I'm doing this. So Monday days I'll go to Higgins. I'll shoot down

the Beverly Hills and I'll go to Higgins. I went there for the whole month of August and a little bit of July. So now when this gets better, I'll go to Higgins at 11. It's 11 to 1215 real quick. And where's Higgins at? Beverly Hills, behind the Tuxedo shop. Higgins used to have a place in like Redondo, right? I'm not sure. No, no, no. That was the other brother. That was Hodger. Who's got the place by the ice house that we always, John? John. Yeah, I think. Carlos is in Dallas and John Jock is in Tarzana. And John Jock is apparently opening up a place in Austin too with Todd White. Yes, somebody's opening up something. Yeah, because Todd White was, he's one of John Jock's black belts. He's the artist. He used to work for Nickelodeon. Now he

does this amazing cocktail style like 1930s and 50s, almost cartoonish, really cool stuff. And he's super popular. Like you can't turn out art enough. Like everybody wants to buy Todd White's stuff. I went to a friend's house and she had a Todd White thing on the wall like years ago. I was like, this is crazy. This is my friend Todd's. Like this is nuts. He's making bank right now. He's not like, just kill him. Like his average pick. Because somebody was telling me the whole thing. It's ridiculous. Ball and out of control. Art is, it's amazing. Well, that's that. That art thing is a weird world. Like once you become like a guy that everybody wants to have a piece, I want a Joe, an original Joe Diaz and you know, it becomes like a thing that these art people,

I was talking to a friend who explained it to me and he was saying that they manufacture it. What they'll do is they'll, they'll get an artist and then they, they, they take a bunch of people that they already have connections with, like really big people that buy $50,000 paintings, like nutty. And they buy them as investments or because they like art? They buy them as investments. They buy them because it's a hobby. It's a thing for them. It's like, you know, those crazy wine people, those people that are like that with art, they're crazy art people. They just buy art and the gallery will contact them and say, listen, there's a guy who's coming up. He is phenomenal. And just I want to gift you a piece because you're such a loyal customer and I'm

going to gift you a $25,000 painting, you know, because for a guy who's buying millions of dollars worth of art, because a lot of these guys actually do buy millions of dollars worth of art from a particular gallery. Gifting a guy a $25,000 piece is just an investment, but it's not really a $25,000 piece. It's a $25,000 piece because they say it's $25,000 piece. So you gift four or five guys, these, these big, high roller guys, these pieces. Now they're in the art community. Well, who's that? That's an original Joe Diaz. Yeah, the gallery gave it to me. It's a $25,000 piece. The guy's incredible. Wow. Yeah, he's having and there's going to be a gallery show in October. So then they put on the gallery show in October. The prices have already been established. And then you see

35,000, nobody flinches and they just start buying them like hotcakes. Why? Because these big shots already have the $25,000 pieces. So they create this bizarre bubble, this bizarre market, and they do it by giving these really big, high rollers expensive pieces. It's really fascinating. It really is. Yeah, smart. I mean, they just look, you know what it is? It's like, it's a hustle. They figure out how to get in with these people. They figure out how to just how to make it like, I was hearing about, um, there's certain handbags that, that really rich broads are really into these certain bags. I don't remember the name of it, but you have to have a relationship with the people that sell the bags in order to even buy a bag. Like you can't just go in off the street.

You have to have already been a client. So like you have to buy a bag to get a bag. So it becomes exclusive. So because it's exclusive, they're selling these bags for like $50,000. And I'm like, how the fuck is someone paying $50,000 for a purse? It's a bag. It's not a Ferrari. You can't drive it. It's not, there's nothing, there's no crazy engineering involved in this. It's not like a watch that some guy made by hand and he's got fucking giant goggles on that takes six years to make a one. No, no, no, it's a fucking purse. But because they've engineered this exclusivity, they've arranged it and they just, they work that market, that market of people with incredible wealth because especially where we are, we don't even realize it. You know, you grew up in a place

where it was like blue collar and you know, nobody was multi-multi-millionaire, but there's places like Brentwood or, you know, Bel Air where you might have 100 people in a mile radius that have $100 million. That's not uncommon. I mean, there's insane money in certain areas. When you're looking at these homes, there's a $25 million home. That's a $30 million estate. This house is going for $50 million. I mean, there's a lot of that in this area. And all they have to do is tap into those folks because they have insane disposable income and what's expensive to you or I is not expensive to them. It's nothing. $25,000 for a painting ain't shit for them. So they figure out a way to weasel into that world and then it becomes about that world. Then it becomes about that exclusivity.

You know, this is an original Joe Diaz. Look at that on the wall. Very nice. Where'd you get it? Well, you know, the gallery, you know, they've got a show coming up. I love this use of color and they just trying to find ways to spend their fucking money. I mean, they might have a house in Costa Rica. They got a fucking house in Canada. You know what I mean? Like there's a lot of those people in LA that are just stupid rich. I heard that there's like a social network now that you have to pay like 10 grand to get into that. Have you heard about that? No. What's it called? I'm trying to find it right now. Here we go. Social network that costs $9,000 a join. Look at idiots. Let me see if I can find it. Facebook is free, stupid. Okay. What are you going to get out of

this social network? Are they going to blow you? It's called Neuropolitan. Neuropolitan. It's $6,000 a join and then an additional $3,000 that renews annually to keep to continue access. Oh my god. Is anybody joining? You have to be 21. Let's see if it says they're not sharing how many members. Of course they're not. There's two people in it. Oh my god. You have to be a real asshole. What if a pen breaks in a $50,000 bag? What if a NeuPaulers thing spills? What if your dog pisses on it? Oh my god. It's amazing. I went to the park. I go to the park every fucking day. But the other day I went to the park and I heard women talking. And they were talking about daycap prices in the area that they went shopping. And then he goes, but what about that one in Van

Eyes? And she goes, oh my god. I looked at the web page and it was just, I thought I was dizzy. I was on the swing and they were on, you know, my baby was on the swing and I was but that's why I could hear them talking on the swing. And they were talking about how you have to get on a list to get your kid into this fucking daycare. Like you have to know somebody and then they have to get you on the list. And it's exclusive in Van Eyes. I'm going like, how did they make it exclusive? Like what do the kids do that's different? Is there a security guard? Do they fucking fish, you know, give them a chef? Right. I mean, are they gluten-free meals? I mean, you know, I think I want my kid to get a little fucking dirty. I mean, but they were

totally, I heard them talking about like percentages. Like let's say every other daycare around is 200 a week. This place went like 1200 a week. 1200? Like something just fucking ridiculous. Something just ridiculous in Van Eyes, you know. And it's the same thing, how they just make it exclusive. It's exclusive. You have to get on a fucking list. A list for what? So my kid could play with fucking blocks. Maybe it's just, they just have a great setup. I mean, maybe it's just like, how great of a setup could it be? 1200 a week sounds insane. Well, that's something like with comparison to what a regular daycare is. This is how much more was. Wow. And they had like, just you have to get on at six months. And if your child's not potty trained, and I went home,

and I'm thinking about it, I asked my wife, and she goes, oh yeah, they got them all over like that, that you, the one by the house by Marie ETC. Yeah. That's a Christian church that have to wait on a list of Jewish people. What? From Orange County to put their kids in that daycare. Because the daycare is just that good. Well, what about pet hotels where they give them like TVs and beds? Have you heard about that? Yeah. They put it like animal planning all day. Animal planning all day. It's, it's, you know, and listen, man, it's whatever the fuck you pay for, whatever you believe, man. You know, it's just fucking amazing. It's 25,000 for a picture or whatever the fucking artist. And you sit there and I've been to those things. My buddy in New

York is like a great framer. His shop is in the Lower East Side. And whenever I go back east, he gives me a hug and he kisses me on both cheeks. I mean, it's not his fault. That's what it does for a living. I've known him since we were 15 in summer school. So I play his game. I go over there. When I was broke in 84, I fucking made deliveries from frames and pictures and shit. And, you know, every night they go to these things. I've been with them where they go and they sit and they look in front of a picture and they make believe they drink wine. These people don't give you sodas. They give you, you know, sushi and it's a social thing. It's a social thing. It's a big social thing to be an art collector because it shows that you have a certain amount of taste. You know,

like if you if you're into obscure art, that's a Jackson Pollock. Amazing. Amazing. I love what he's doing here. His concept is incredible. I didn't know there were any current artists getting that much money. Oh, I thought it was older people. No, you just have to be in that circuit. You just have to be in that. I was over Bob Gersh's house. Bob Gersh is the fucking guy owns Gersh. He's the guy that I had to get on the phone with to they were trying to get me to apologize with Mincea him and him in the wig. And I'm over his house in aspirin. It's a long fucking time ago. And he's got this thing on his wall. And it's like a bunch of pieces of paper like it looks like tissue paper glued on to other paper and like a lot of paint. And I look at it.

I go, I go, is this something his kid made? And someone goes, no, that's a blah, blah, blah. And I go, what's that? And he goes, that's worth $30,000. I go, what the fuck are you saying? I mean, it wasn't even big. I mean, it was it was like as big as that longest yard frame post you have up there, that thing, you know, and it wasn't like an enormous piece that took fucking 50 years to make. You know, no, it's like a normal size painting with like a bunch of fucking tissue glued to a thing and some scribble. It was abstract modern art, you know, that's what they call it. Abstract art, dog shit, nonsense. Unless it was your kid. Now, if your kid made it, it would be cute. It made sense to me. I thought it was his kid. It's like, what the fuck is this? This is $30,000.

When they throw their fucking like the like the counterfeit and to live in Dyna LA, he would throw the artist and he would light them on fire. Yes, to live in Dyna LA. That motherfucking movie was on the other morning at six in the morning. I put on KTLA News and I go, let me see what else is on. I fucking put that's where I remember I put that part on. It starts with him burning a picture. He burnt the fucking pictures in the beginning at the end. You know, there's those fucking guys that do the art and they burn the picture because it just meant that my closure, you know, you always sit there going, you got to get your shit together, guy. It's fucking all over for you, you know. The art world is filled with a lot of pretentiousness. They're just art itself,

calling yourself an artist, being an artist, wearing a scarf. When they call themselves an artist, that's where my thing and then they justify it by going, you know, you're an artist. But there are artists. There are artists, but these really pretentious artists, they fuck up the whole concept of being an artist. You know, like, look, Quentin Tarantino is a fucking artist. Okay, that's a guy who creates badass motherfucking movies. It's an art to him. You know what I mean? Like, you know, fill in the blank. Richard Pryor was an artist. You know, he was a real artist. He created art on that stage. But some fuckheads, they say, you know, I'm an artist and you just go, and you just want to throw up on them. It ruins the word.

It ruins the term. We're very finicky. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm an artist. I just, I can't be tied down. I'm a free spirit. You don't consider yourself an artist, Joey? Oh, yeah, yeah. Every morning when I wake up, I'm going to go see artists and so how? Well, you are an artist, but you're a comic and the comic supersedes everything else. Being a comic is, you know, it's a different, I mean, it is without a doubt an art form. But it's being a comic is the most important aspect of the art form. And that eliminates any possible pretension. There's no, you can't be pretentious to be a fucking comic. You're a fucking joke slinger. You know, that's what we do. You know, just listen, I could never, I got invited to this wedding. I think I told you,

I got invited to this wedding. Usually, I won't fucking go to a wedding, but it was in town and I don't go and it'd be a nice date night for the wife. And we get to the wedding and the people like, Oh my God, we're so happy you made it. We put you in the celebrity table. And I'm like, I'm not, and I go, I'm not sitting on the celebrity table and I walked all the way to the back and I sat there. You don't need to celebrity who else was at the celebrity table fucking Gwen Stefani and a fucking husband and the black dude from Rocky Apollo Creed Apollo Creed and Carl Weathers Carl Weathers and, you know, just a bunch of other people like to Rocky. Yeah, like the level celebrities. Yeah, like just when Stefani is pretty big. Yeah, this before she got pregnant,

like this is this is about two years ago. I'm gonna be she's still she was huge. Was she huge? Yeah, you know, I got peas, right? No, no, no, no, that's for no doubt. Oh, no doubt. Yeah. But no, it was just really weird that that word right there. No, I sat in the back. I'm a fucking celebrity table. And it's just, you know, man, every time I like I hear shit like that, like somebody comes at you, like that was washing the car and somebody came in and said something about, Oh, I saw you on this and I want to say I wish you would have saw me when I robbed that fucking. I really do. I wish I wish you would have saw me when I robbed the fucking the change thing for blind kids from a Carvel one day, because I was short four bucks for a

fucking 20 second weed. You know, I went into a carvel because I knew they always had like fives and shit. So I bought like the baseball cup with the ice cream in it to give you like the Kansas City Royals, you get pissed off. And I stole the fucking can with the goods, you know, and that's what I think about whenever somebody says, Oh, well, you know, that role you had in the movie. And I feel like saying, God, you even have a fucking idea. Like, what are you getting? But why is it bad that they like you for a role in a movie? Like, what is it that you you want to like redefine yourself? No, it's nothing about redefining myself. It's just about, you know, we're talking about my uncle taking me to this game. I tried to rob him 25 years ago at

gunpoint and whatever. We don't talk about that. Like, I really wanted me to tell the story on the story. I said, Ari, if you don't know my uncle, he don't talk about it. He very like I apologize to him on the podcast and he wouldn't even he don't go there, bro. He's never told me he loved me. I tell him all the time. I love you to you. All right, I'll see you tomorrow. My uncle does not fuck around. He told me right out yesterday. He goes, because I thought I couldn't go to the game. And when I went, he goes, you called my daughter and told her to take me to the game. That wasn't gonna fucking work. He goes, the only person I wanted to go to the game with was you. Not even my son. I like going to the game with you. Because I take him once a year. He's 76. He's my mother's

brother, you know. But yes, on the way back, he goes, I wish your mother would grow up to see what you became. She goes at the funeral. You were a lost kid. But when you came here, every time I looked at your eyes, I thought of Charles Manson. Charles Manson. He goes, I thought about Charles Manson. He goes, you were a killer. He goes, you were either going to kill somebody. He was telling me, bro. That's what he, you know, he called me out. Nobody had ever called me out till I was 21 years old. You know what I'm saying? Right. After my mother died, he might be so sensitive. Don't say nothing to him. He might snap. My uncle said, I don't give a fuck if your mother died. That was five years ago. Put it behind you. It's over. This ain't a free world,

bitch. I ain't giving you a fucking dime. But when he said that to me last night, that, you know, it really hit home. He goes, you have to kill his eyes. You gonna kill somebody. You gonna kill me that fucking night. You would have killed me. He goes, you would have killed me for $500 or $500 that night. Well, we became friends. You were definitely a different guy in the late nineties. Oh, but you reminded me of everybody that I knew from the pool hall. Like, I love being around you because you were like, what I hated most when I first came to LA was that when I was in New York and when I was in Boston, I was surrounded by, you know, East Coast people that were either comics or they were martial artists or they were pool players.

It was like there was a grit to them. There was a fun. I could talk to them. You know, there was real conversations to be had. And then coming out here, everybody was like preparing for it. Like we were downstairs with all those people with their scripts. They're preparing and they're sitting there and I'm seeing them going over their lines, going over the thing. I'm like, this is hell. This is hell. Like this preparing for a role and being in the whole Hollywood scene, like trying to get people to like you and hire you for things. It's just this weird world. It's a weird world. And here's this guy hanging out at the comedy store. There was a total hustler. I mean, you were a total hustler, you know, and we became friends

like immediately. Like we became friends. Like right away, I remember bringing you around the fucking news radio set and they're like, who is this guy? There's this fucking menacing guy in a leather jacket that keeps eating all the shrimp. And, you know, for me, it was even the comedy store that we loved was very goofy. I was goofy as fuck back then. We saw it a couple of weeks ago. I've been taking Lee with me and I go, Lee, you want to come down? You know, Lee's going to go home after the pocket and come to the store. And it was great. The first three or four times that he sat there when, you know, I got a tag for you. Oh, that was the worst. It was the worst. I saw Tony. I had to call him and apologize the next day. Tony Hinchcliff. When

he was with you in Sacramento or something, I had to call him and apologize. Why? Because I had to get the fuck out of there. And Tony came up to me. I'm like, Tony, I love you. I'll see you. And I felt who was telling you that someone was telling you they had a tag for you. Well, one night when we were getting ready to leave and like, hold on. They're like, listen, man, I heard that joke and we got to give you this tag. You should say, and me and Lee looked at each other. I don't even know. And Lee's, and me and Lee's like, that was fucking weird. And then the next night we went down again. And that's when the guys were saying, we have this idea for a TV show. Oh my God. And you're like, I just get on stage. I just, you know, you're walking to your car. You're not even

thinking about a TV show. You're thinking about how you should have said the instead of cat. You know, just dumb shit. And we have a word. And he was right there. We had this idea for you for a TV show. Not even how are you, right? What have you been up to? And he looked at me, we were high as fuck, which really kills you when you're at the comments when somebody's trying to sell you something. And then Tony Hinchcliffe came and I saw Tony. I'm like, I can't even, you know, I got to get out of here. Like my head was about to blow up the highness, the set, the people trying to sell me a TV show. And the people that are trying to sell you things at the comedy store, most likely they never sold shit before. They just have an idea and they think they're going to come

to you. And that's how they're going to do a TV show. Right. And it was just the idea. We looked at each other like, Oh, they fuck. I mean, it was just so I understand that like at the comedy store is always that one person that you find warmth in. And I found it with you because everybody at the calm, everybody at that time was looking to get on a show to quit comedy. There was a big of that people would get on a TV show and that was it. Yeah. And it would happen like four or five times. And here's this guy that tapes a great show. And after the 10 hour, 12 hour shoot still comes and does his $15 set in the original room at 12 o'clock. I couldn't figure it out. Most people would just go home and go fuck stand

up. That's below me, you know, fuck stand on the right of joke, you know. And it's really weird to people that have stuck it up and will always be stand ups. Like I always give those guys respect. Don't come back to it after the show got canceled and do stand up. While your show is on, you tell your agents, Hey, those weeks that you don't have me up at Warner Brothers, I want to be out the whole fucking summer. I want to do this. I don't know. Well, the show doesn't want you to curse on stage. Say any fact jokes on stage. No shit. That's what they did in Tim Allen. No shit. You know, so sag it too. Yeah, no shit. So you have to and here I'm watching this guy that's going against everybody else. He's going against what everybody else believes. Everybody wants to,

you used to call it so a means to the end, an end to the means, a means to an end. That's it. In my life, that's not how I felt. To me, if I got on a show that just helps me, that'll help me get up there and it gets easier. Now, when I go to a club in Iowa, my dream was to get in a car and pull a Mitch Hedberg and go to all these clubs, just drive across country one time. You know, be on a TV show, do the 26 episodes, but once that shit's over, we're getting your car and go bon voyage. I'm out of here and just go across the country and you see a funny bone jump in there. You see a comedy catch jump in there. You see a comedy saloon jump in there. You see a pizza place with an open mic and you're in Minneapolis. Fuck a jump in there. You do that

for six or seven weeks as a stand up comic and people go, well, I just thought you were on TV. I didn't know you were this fucking funny or this is what I do. I didn't give a fuck. When I was growing up and I was watching Charles Bronson, I loved Charles Bronson. I loved when he killed somebody. I loved all that shit with the cheer of me fooling you with the fly. But I never thought I was going to do that. I thought that I would always be an extra if they ever used me. I thought that they were going to come to the comedy store and say, hey, you want to be in my movie? You know, I've watched Hollywood nights. You ever see Hollywood nights with Tony Danson, Michelle Pfeiffer? You see all the people around him are comics in the

comedy store. Arliss, TK Carter is the black guy that's doing the fraternity run. The dude who had the show on Married Men, Mike Binder. He's the fucking the kid who has the mind of a married man. Mind of a married man. He's the motherfucker. Hollywood nights is a famous place is closing down on Hollywood Boulevard. But these Hollywood nights, they have to, I didn't forget it's just but there's scenes where they take these black guys and they put sheets on them and they make them walk through a white nail. I mean, it was just crazy and the people pissed in the punch. But if you look at all the comedy in that movie, they just went into the store and picked up a bunch of motherfuckers one night and put them in there. The same thing with Gabe Kaplan, who we

grew up with. The same thing with Jimmy Walker. You know, suppose they cut the deal to good times in the back and one of the boots there, Freddie Prince. That's what we came from. But you always remain the standout. You always, that was your roots. When I came here, they, I got here and they said, oh, you got to go for an audition for a white PD boot. I didn't go to an acting. I didn't know nothing about that. I knew nothing about that dog. I knew nothing about commercials. I thought they shot commercials in fucking Mars. I didn't know the fuck they shot commercials. I came here seriously. I'm not lying to fucking commercials. I came here and they go, you, your face is great for commercial. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I know nothing. I didn't

even know. I never even thought about shooting fucking commercials. I got a friend of mine. Was analyze that. Was that your, your first big movie? Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. That's right. Baseball. That's when I first started hanging out. We had to try to pop the movie and shit by mistake. I didn't want the NYPD blue didn't get it. And as I was walking by a door, a lady pops up and she goes, you here for your audition? I guess so. Give me a sheet of paper. I read it and boom, I booked three weeks of five grand. I never saw nothing like that in my life. Wow. I snorted every penny to the fucking and then I robbed the fucking roller skates. I robbed a different pair of roller skates every

fucking day. All right. Everything went and I returned them at five guys. Well, is that the five sports, sports guys? I think I'm fucking kidding. I would get to my room. They'd be a size 13. I'd wear them. I put them back on the box and clip them. The lady would come with wardrobe. Anybody see the roller skates? No, I put them in wardrobe. Okay. Every day for three weeks. Every day I come back again size 13. Then they started giving me size 12. We don't know what happened to all the 13. Me neither. What the fuck? What the fuck's going on? Then they ran on 12. They went down at 11. I was put at 11? Oh, I was going. I was coming home with band-aids, but I didn't give a fuck. They're 140 a pop plus tax when I returned them. And they were seeing

every day the same sporting guys. How you doing? What happened? Your grandma gave you this? How'd you know? What do you want? Cash and check. Let me get some cash. Stop and get gas. By the time I quit, by the time I stopped shooting, I was down to like a size eight and a half. The truck, the truck of roller skates was missing a chunk in it. I wish I was lying to you. I wish I was trying to just be funny and be cute. This is how crazy I was. You're absolutely right. I was a stone cold hustler. And I knew it. It was like, well, you remind me a lot of my friend, Johnny. Right. You always said that. Yeah, you remind me a lot of him. You were just, you both didn't give a fuck. A lot of people pretend to not give a fuck. They're pretending,

but then little things will come out and you realize what they're kind of putting on an act. But you would say something. You would just tell me stories about things you'd just done or I would see you come out of the bathroom or the comedy store with some fucking crazy broad. And it was funny, just funny times. It was just funny. It was just you were a real, for me, you were like a real connection to what I was missing like back in the East Coast because the comedy store at that time was all these like boat acts. It was like guys that would do like cruise ships and they would sing. They would have like songs they would sing. It was just, it was a lot of bullshit for every Damon Wayans that would come in every real comic that would stop by. There was a lot of like really

bad comedy for a few years there from like 94 to like I would say like 96, 97. Those were bad times at the fucking comedy store, man. But something happened. It's like they come in dips and cycles because I remember when I first came there, I was really disappointed. I first came out there to do a pilot. Me and Jim Brewer, we did this thing in 93. It was called Hardball and Brewer played this mascot for this team and we were hanging out together. We were shooting this pilot and we wound up going to the store and we were like, this place is dog shit. Like neither one of us, we weren't paid regulars there. We're just comics from New York. So we went and watched the show. We just hung out in the back. We're like, this is fucking terrible. Who was going up? Do you

remember anybody? I don't want to say names. Some of them are still alive. It wasn't really Black for a while. One of them had a three in his name. Right, right, right. But it wasn't really Black for a while. They had metal detectors. You believe that they had metal detectors? Tupac? Really? He's gotten to a shoot out there one night. In the main room. Someone shot at him in the main room. At the main room. Or he shot at someone. It was very blurry, but it was, was it Moe better Mondays? What was it? No, this was before that. Fat Tuesdays. This was before was Fat Tuesday. Before Fat Tuesdays? Yeah, those guys from Fat Tuesday are still around. They're in St. Louis. They're good dudes, man. Those are good dudes. Yeah, it was, I heard, I didn't know.

I heard it just got really blurry. What year did Guy Tory take it over? Maybe 97, 96. When I got there in 97, it was already established. And the guy saw me at the last factory and made me go up. And I ate a fucking bag of fucking debt. And at the end, I twisted around. I just went Black and twisted around. It was great. I said, I want to walk off. Richard Pryor came and sat down. And I said, listen, you know, whatever happens tonight, don't matter. When I listened to your album, it was the first time I heard Niggas Crazy or whatever. Was it something I said? That was it, guys. That was it for me. Like, I don't know nothing. Like, I heard that and I went immediately and bought it and went home. You said this to him? Yeah, I told him. I said to him

from the stage. Wow. I walked off. He was already fucked up. He was the wheelchair drooling. He had three people around him. Come on, just head up. But just to see him in there, I knew I was home. You know, I knew I was home. That's how I knew I was like, Goddamn. Did you ever see him when he did sets? Were you there for that? No. No. Not at all. That was weird. He did a bunch of sets right before he died. I followed him almost every show. Almost every show he did, Mitzi threw me up after him because I had to figure out strategies to get the audience to laugh because they were so depressed because they had seen the greatest of all time and he was just gone. He was a shell of himself and he could barely talk. They had

to crank the mic up like and he'd just be like, I always did love pussy. Pussy sometimes love me back. Like there was no jokes. I mean, that was like a whole joke. That was a beginning set up punchline. He would drink wasn't supposed to be drinking some medication and give a fuck and just drink anyway. And he would go on stage and then he would do his time, you know, whatever it was 20 minutes or so. And sometimes more whatever he could, whatever he had the energy for. And then it would take them several minutes to carry him from the stage to the back of the room. And Marilyn's husband, Marilyn Martinez, Dave and Chewie would help him. And they would get one under each arm and they would walk him through the room and then they would put him in his wheelchair

when they got to the end of the showroom, the original room. And I would go on stage and he didn't bring you up. You know, Jeff Scott would bring you up from the side. So Jeff Scott would bring me up from the side and, you know, from the piano and you go on stage while everyone's like clapping and he's walking out and you're I was nobody, you know, some unknown fucking idiot. It wasn't even that good at comedy yet. It was terrible. And I had to go on after Richard Pryor, but I had to develop like Joe, I had to develop lines to say to like to make fun of the fact you just saw the greatest community of all time and now the unknown white guy. What a fucking letdown. And I used to have to like I had a whole shtick that I would do about what this is a letdown like

blunt and I would like like that's as if you just did that and then did this like I had a whole thing like making fun of myself for having to go on after Richard Pryor. How many times did you follow him before you decided you had to do that? Oh, I had to do it immediately. I did because I bombed bombed several times going on after him. And it wasn't just that I sucked because I definitely wasn't very good. But it was also that the room was somber every time. I only really did really well, like a couple of times. The other times are just survival. But I, you know, I probably followed him. I think he did like five or six weeks of sets this, I might have had to follow him 15, 20 times. I don't know. I don't know how many times it was because it was so long ago. It was

late 90s. But there was a bunch of times when I used to go on right after him. When you I mean, I was a kid, and my parents turned me under Richard Pryor. They took me alive at the Sunset Strip when I was a kid, man. I don't know how old I was. But I couldn't have even been 13. It was like I was like 12 or something like that, whatever I was. And I remember sitting in that movie theater, dying, laughing, holding on to my stomach, watching, looking around. And one time while the film was playing, I was looking around, and all these people were like falling forward in their chair. And I remember thinking to myself, all the funny movies that I'd ever seen, all like Blues Brothers and all that kind of shit, I'd never seen anybody laugh like this. I'd never been to

a movie where someone laughed like this. And then I realized like stand up comedy is incredible. I was like, this guy is just talking. He doesn't have special effects. He doesn't have any music playing while he's talking. He's just talking. And we are dying laughing. And that probably was what planted the seed of me doing stand up. I didn't really think about doing stand up for real until I was 21, till I was 20. And then I waited until I got my 21st birthday because I couldn't go to a nightclub before I was 21. But being there, all those years later, after I done stand up for like, probably six or seven years at the time, six years, maybe. And then being in there with Richard fucking prior, and having to go on after him over and over and over again, I'm like,

this is so bizarre. It's like the weirdest sort of patching, passing of a torch thing, not even a passing or a rite of passage, maybe or something like my own rite of passage, like here I am in front of my comedy idol. Like if I had to choose like the one guy that was like the most influential to me, I mean, Richard Pryor is right up. They're probably not one guy. It's like him and Keneson, like the most influential to me. So to see him when it was over like that, taught me a lot of shit. Would you want to be up on stage if you were 75? No, not like that. There's no need for it. But I would only want to be on stage if I was entertaining. Like, Carlin was entertaining to the fucking day his heart stopped. How old was he when he passed?

George, I want to say he was in his late 70s, but I might be no, I think maybe 69 or something, right? I think he was older than that. Really? He died. He was 71. Wow. Just 71. You know, I think that if you, if you're a standup, I mean, I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to call you up when you're 76 and go, Joe, stop going. I would know. I think I'll know. You're not fucking entertaining. But you're in that house. I mean, that's what keeps you alive. That's what it would keep guys like us alive, man. Well, that's one of the reasons why I like to do a lot of different shit too. I don't like having all my eggs in one basket. No, no, no, no. But you know what I'm saying. If you were, you know, today, let me tell you something. I did something today

that I said I got to go. I just had to go. I just wanted to just touch the mat. Oh, jujitsu. Jujitsu. And it's the same way with me with standup. When I know I'm in a bad mood, and things ain't going right, and this reefer ain't working, this fucking Facebook ain't working, you know, it's fucking hot out. That means they got to get on stage. That means I got something to talk about. That means that's my therapy. And then you two, three, four nights and you're back to fucking know where your pH is balanced and all that shit. The difference is you're really funny right now. And, you know, Richard Pryor was, in my opinion, one of the, if not the best ever,

top two. It's between, I give Kinnison the best ever for a year. I think for one year, Kinnison was the best ever. But I think Pryor overall is the greatest comic of all time. And then he's not, he's not there anymore, man. What do you put Carlin and Lenny Bruce? Well, Lenny Bruce is probably the most important guy, because he was the guy who went to jail for obscenity, would argue it in court. Carlin went to jail for two. He was also the guy who, like, he set the path. You know, he started the whole, that kind of standup, the kind that you and I do. The kind when you go on stage and you're just honest about shit. Like, he started that.

That was all him. And, you know, Hicks and Kinnison, they, they worshiped him. They worshiped Lenny Bruce. And the way I kind of found out about Lenny Bruce was actually Kinnison had Lenny Bruce's mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like managing him or something like that, right? He did a benefit for her. Yeah, she was on one of his CDs. Yeah, made like $100,000 and he was gassed. And when I lived in Seattle, they did the heirs of Lenny Bruce. And I guess his mother had

donated a picture and they did this for him. I still had that. That was one of my all-time favorite pictures. I got the feature the last weekend of the festival, you know, and just having that picture in your name when you're a feature act, you know. But no, I always love Lenny Bruce. There's nights I find myself watching, you know, old black and white Lenny Bruce and giggling. I like his style. The material might be not what it's 30 years behind, but his style. It's a time capsule. It's time, yeah. I mean, you're looking, you're essentially going back in time and you're watching a guy who,

in that era, there was a, there was an innocent world. No, no one understood what this guy was doing. You dig? Yeah. All those little things is what I really like. So there's a guy dig and he goes, you know, like, And what killed me about this whole thing is he's Jewish. Yeah.

That's, when I watch him, I'm like, this is a Jew telling the world to suck his dick. Well, for people who don't know. And he did a bunch of fucking crazy Hitler jokes and shit. He did some fucking brilliant shit. Oh, yeah. For people who know, Joe, you were talking, he got arrested for saying fuck on stage, right? Wasn't that it? He was arrested several times for a bunch of different things that he said on stage.

In the end, they kind of like took his career away. I mean, he lost all of his money fighting it in court. And, you know, even when he died, his name wasn't cleared. He was still going to court. And they, when he broke down at the end, his videos of this, you could, you could, I bought a DVD of it once or VHS tape at the time. It was him going over his court transcripts. He would be on stage with these pieces of paper and talking about why the judge was wrong.

It was essentially like he was doing a podcast about his court transcripts and the audience was bummed out, man. They were like, give us dirty Lenny. That's what we used to call him, dirty Lenny. We want dirty Lenny. We wanted to hear him talk about boobies. She's got boobies, man. You like those titties.

Yeah. You know, like he wanted to, like he would say things like that and people would like, they couldn't believe you were saying it. You know, this is the 1950s or 19, I guess it was the 50s. And he was just a complete unique thing. And it was influenced by a lot of the jazz musicians who were influenced by heroin. It was influenced by jazz musicians. It was influenced by a lot of black guys.

He was around a bunch of people that didn't give a fuck. And he took that not given a fuck and brought it to comedy. And this also this desire to describe the world around him in accurate terms, instead of just telling a bunch of jokes, this desire to like make people laugh and let them see the hypocrisy in the world they're living in. So it was him, it was prior, who was like the most honest about his life and his feelings and his shortcomings and the coke and the craziness and light himself on fire and all that shit.

I mean, he was the most honest about the end. In my opinion, the funniest. He was just the best. He was the smoothest. I mean, he just had jokes about him having a fucking heart attack. And then that joke you did where he just checked the fuck out of you. You would think about that when you're eating that pork. I mean, he had jokes about everything.

He had jokes about shooting his wife's car, about going to jail for shooting his wife's car. I mean, here's a black guy in like a racially divided world. Post 1960s race riots, Martin Luther King assassination, all that jazz. And he's talking about shooting his white wife's car, shooting her fucking car. Pretty sure it was his white wife. Yeah. And it was her. Because you only have to watch the documentary that they put out a couple of years ago.

And you were talking about live at the Sunset Strip. Didn't he like bomb the night before? The night before. Yes. And now it's like the most amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what is it called?

Oh, mythologic. Oh, mythologic. When he did live at the Sunset Strip the first night, it was horrific. Well, he probably was nervous. Yeah. Oh, it was horrific. And then he went back the next night and fucked. And that's what we saw.

Well, I think when you whenever you film at something like I experienced this recently in Colorado when I was filming my special, I did two shows. The first show was kind of tense and someone just chick heckled me. It was just tense. Still went well, still got a lot of laughs, but it wasn't smooth. And then the second show was like any old show. Someone heckled you when they knew they were taping. Oh, this is fucking cunt.

Oh, no. In the middle of a joke about people getting upset about jokes, she yells out, prove it. Like I just put my head down. I go, are you really heckling? I didn't even like. No, you can't address it. I had to address it because it was so loud. It was so stupid.

And what I should have done and what I'll do next time, I do any other filming. I should have gone on stage before the filming, before the show even started, before Tony Hinch Cliff went on stage and said, this is very important to me. I just I want this to be as normal a show as possible. So I just come out and say hi first. Just please don't heckle me. This is we're just doing this for Comedy Central. So enjoy yourself.

If you think it's funny, please laugh. Thank you very much for coming. And that would have been smart. Instead, the director did it and he kind of he did a goofy job. Instead of saying, don't talk during the show. Don't heckle. He said, try not to interact with Joe too much, which is like. Yeah, you're giving a fucking light.

Yeah. Well, it was my my friend couldn't direct it. You know, Anthony, who does all of them. He had to do a UFC. He works for the UFC when he's directed every one of my specials and he couldn't do it. So we had to bring this other guy and it's just he had never done that before where he went on stage. He just didn't have he said the right thing in the second show.

So there was a lot of fuck ups. The audience was too bright. We had to figure out to turn the lights down and make it like a regular comedy club. But when you're filming something, it's real hard to do like to nail it in like ready go. Like Hicks. If you watch Hicks is special from London revelations when he comes out and is the Jimi Hendrix music and fire in the hat. He's very stiff, very stiff through the whole set.

Me personally as a fan of his haven't seen him. It's one of his more stiff performances. And it's because he's got one shot at this for an HBO special, one fucking shot. And you're in London in his giant 2000 seat arena. And you know, it's just it doesn't feel like a guy loose up there. I've seen him loose up there. It's a different performance. And it's the same with I think pretty much anybody who does a show like cat Williams

new show, the perfect example, his show. I saw his HBO show. But before his HBO show, I saw all that material. Someone filmed it from the audience and put it on YouTube and it was fucking hilarious. It was really funny. The HBO special was still funny, but it was very stiff, especially in the beginning. You could see that he was aware he was being filmed. He didn't he gave a fuck.

You know, in a guy who's act is all about not giving a fuck. He gave a fuck because the ready go. Shit, this is my one shot to do this right. It's like that's a lot of weird, unusual pressure. It's not like a fight where guys are always used to being under intense pressure. No, all of a sudden this show has this extra weight to it because it's being filmed. And this is going to be it ready. You got one show.

Go. You know, these 5000 people do you ain't selling 5000 people twice. So if you want to do it big, you got one fucking show. You want to come out the lion can only do one show. The lion's going to dance in the cage behind you. But for one show. The second show, the lion might break the cage. You might get fucking mad.

He might kill everybody. This crowd. So we got the lion cat, but we got we got one shot at this. So let's let's keep it together. Everybody let's huddle. Well, isn't Bill Maher doing a live special? Yes, he's doing a live special right after he does a live tough crowd. Not tough crowd.

The fuck is this thing? What's what's his show called? I don't know. I mean, real time. Yeah. So he's doing real time and then he goes right from real time. But it's kind of, you know, he's kind of doing it as a gimmick. But he's so confident, though, and he does so many live performances on his show.

And he knows his audience. You know what I mean? Like they know who he is and what he does. He's very, he's very calm. He could pull it off. Yeah. He wouldn't put it off. Yeah.

He's been around them. He wouldn't pull it off. I mean, he wouldn't even attempt to pull it off unless he thought he could. Somebody else has done that, too, though. Somebody else did a live one. Chris Rock did a live one. The first time or something that one time he did. I think, oh, George Lopez.

Lopez. Lopez. I'm sorry. When he came out, I sold 18,000 of depression. What Mexican could do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I sold this motherfucker out like he was like the first five minutes of his act about selling the, the, the arena out like during the down oppression.

18,000 Mexican down economy. I sold this motherfucker out. That was when he was at his peak. Peak for me, Joe Rogan, that was it something I said. And it was fine because I was a kid's house where his brother was a junkie. That's how I discovered Richard Pryor. This kid was not not himself.

And we went out and we had the Beatles on the whiteout. And he came in and goes, what the fuck you motherfuckers listening to take that shit off, listen to this. And we thought we were going to hear rock music. And it's this black guy talking. I had never experienced that. I had seen on TV David Brenner and, uh, you know, people like that. But I hadn't the Riddler.

The Riddler was a comedian. Frank Orsha. Frank Orsha. Impressionist. Something in the sixties and the fifties or something. And, you know, I'd seen those guys, uh, uh, but I had never heard those words. I'd never heard somebody say nigger and, and fucking suck. And, you know, a nigger is that you with the cape.

Why are you living in people's window? That was mind boggling like that. I went home and bought it and I have to put on like, uh, Led Zeppelin. In those days, you had a record player. So you could put a record on and then put the records you wanted on top of that, like a CD, what do you call them, random. So you could, when that album finished, this one would drop. And then the needle would go automatically in your album and it would start all over again.

So what you did was you invited your friends over, you smoked a little dope in the yard and then you put Richard Pryor. That's right. You loaded up a bunch of albums on top of each other. And if your mom came in, you had a drop fast. You had a drop fast because she was going to hear a fuck. He said, fuck every two minutes. I was going to be a fucking that.

So you had to pull the album. In fact, Frank Canella told the story when he called the guy from sci-fi. Yeah. He said, my, my, my mother was mad at you because she thought we were in the room listening to music. You brought the album to my heart. He tells the story in the sixth grade. I go, you guys listen to the Beatles help.

Get that shit off. Listen to this. And the heads almost exploded. And after that, I was always intrigued with it. I never went to see it live till 1987. So a friend took me and I was like impressed. But then I went the second time and the dude had not written the joke in a year. Same dude from Boston.

Remember the same? Stephen Wright. Stephen Wright. Yeah. Never bought out. Never wrote a joke in about one year. And I remember leaving there. I was into drugs.

Comedy was not even on my radar and going, you know what? Fuck that dude. In a year, he didn't write a joke. Like I didn't know nothing about comedy. Well, he had a tough act to write for. So I was pissed. And that was always in the back of my mind. And that's the beginning.

Once you say to yourself, I could do that. You know what I'm saying? And you give it a try and you either fail and get hooked or you get your fucking lights kicked out. Or whatever the fuck, whatever venture you're going to try. And I never thought, never guys, never, never, never. And here's the weird thing. If you really think about, yeah,

I got up on stage when I got locked up. But right before I got locked up, I left Hollister, Lincoln, Mercury, and Boulder. Hollister, Chrysler, Clement, Jeep. Because their pay plans sucked and they took away my demo. They didn't want to do demos no more. I got, in fact, listen, watch this. The kid I kidnapped called me tonight to say hello.

He left me a message and shit right there. Look at that. Ken Vella, top message and shit. The kid I kidnapped told me to say hello. See what happens when you apologize? That's hilarious. People call you, but before I kidnapped this dude, I went to that Subaru dealership.

Before I kidnapped the dude, I went to the Subaru dealership. And while I was there, you know, there was this dude, that was a white dude, like a Western white dude, like with cowboy boots on. He put a suit on. He kind of looked like Charles Bronson. Didn't say much. I think him and I got into a beef one time over a car deal

and we had a split. And he was like, he said something to me. You look, you split that deal. And I was like, nothing was going to happen, dawg. I was, and that was it. Well, a week later, one day, he took me outside alone. And he was like, dawg, I've been watching you. You're wasting your life.

I go, what are you talking about? He goes, for 16 years, before my wife died. Do you know what I did? I don't know. He goes, I was in charge entertainment at Caesar's Palace. He goes, I came back to raise my kids. I'm not a fucking car salesman. I just needed some fucking something to do at night.

And he goes, I've seen a lot of fucking comedians, man. You should give it a shot. He goes, you want me to make some calls for you to get you on stage? It's like, no, I got bloated, too. Fucking stage. The fuck out of here with your stupid fucking idea. And he was a white guy. Guys, he was a white, white, white cowboy, dude.

And he was like, you're wasting your life selling cars. You should at least give it a try. And I was like, okay. And then when I got locked up, it was just something I was doing without knowing I was doing. You know, I was doing something without knowing I was doing. I would just talk shit in the kitchen. There'd be eight black guys cooking.

And I'd just start going off on it. Like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And then at night, I'd get up on stage, on movie night, and I'd fucking talk about, look at fucking Lee with his green shirt on. What the fuck is your problem, Cuxa? And I'd just go around the room and the black guys would go crazy. You know, and I didn't even know what I was doing. There was, when I got out of there, there was no Def Jam.

There was no, I didn't think about that shit. I was just having fun. And they would always send him to Cuba. When you get out of here, you got to do it, dog. You got to do it. And it was like, they would say like, when Cuba gets out of here, he's going to be a big time comic. I'm going to be his motherfucking manager, shit.

But I'll be out in like 12 years. Seth, you got to do it on your own until then. I mean, they were hilarious, but they had my back. You know, it was like a dream for them. You know what I'm saying? Like that. Wow. So it was, it's kind of neat when you look, you know,

you walk into a room, I walk into the county store, I saw Eddie Griffin walking out. It was a tremendous feeling. I didn't know who the fuck you are. Listen, let me tell you something, guys. A real comedian, when he's on the hunt, you shouldn't know what a television even is. A real comedian, when you weren't bossing on the hunt,

I never watched fucking Seinfeld. I don't fucking know what fucking, there is a place you want to go. I don't, I never watched that show. Never watched Cheers. Never watched Cheers, not once. I don't know nothing. TV didn't exist to me.

Like didn't come back into, like TV got out of my life in 81. And it didn't show back up till 1999 or 98. And the girl I was dating said, he's on news radio. I thought you were a fucking radio guy. I thought, news guy, like, all right, Joe Rogan here. This happening back there today. I didn't fucking know what, I didn't, if you're a comic and you're on the make,

you're on the fucking roll, like you go out seven nights a week, you're at that three year mark, you should know what TV, if you come to me and say, you watch Game of Thrones, I got a look at you because I didn't know no TV. My first fucking six years in comedy, I don't know about TV.

What fucking TV are you talking about? What movies are you talking about? I'm making, you know, I didn't understand that mentality. So I never really knew. First TV show I watched and I made a comeback to television was NYPD Blue. Like Jimmy Smith's was dying. That's all I remember.

I didn't, Seinfeld was done. It was like the end of Seinfeld. People come up to you, what's Seinfeld? When am I home at eight o'clock? You fucking dunce. You know what I'm saying? When the fuck am I home at eight o'clock? Giggling, eating popcorn.

Yeah, I didn't get into TV shows until I was on one. Never. I never watched Cheers was the show when we were younger. But when I was, you're absolutely right. When I was young and I was struggling in New York, I would go out every night. What the fuck, man? It was TV.

Don't be a DV, y'all. I go home and Netflix. I knew some movies. I knew some movies. I knew some like famous, but I didn't know any fucking TV shows. Like especially like dramas or something like that. I didn't know any of them.

Didn't know anything. I went to maybe two or three movies. That was my escape. I would go to movies. That was always my little haven. I'd roll a joint and walk into it. My favorite was like, there was a double feature on the 78th Street.

Not the black double feet. Not the black scene. There was a black movie theater. Well, I went to see Rambo and all that shit, but down the block was a movie theater. They would do like, Office and the Gentleman and FIFA Hearts. FIFA Hearts.

FIFA Hearts and Stephen Bauer. And the dude with the red hair. Yeah. People, they would do like the jerk and the man with two brains for 250. And I would go in there and sit there and just dream. I don't know what I'd dream about. I'd dream about being one of those guys.

I don't know. I would just go to movies. Like I would never dream of going to see Office and the Gentleman. But after I saw that motherfucker the first time, I was like, god damn Richard, get the fuck around. That was great. That was a great performance. It's, but I never dreamed these things.

But walking, like I always knew. Like I knew from like the six months of counting when people would say to me, does Mitchie sure see you? Like I knew I was an economy store guy. Like once I walked in there and I saw Don Barris. I went on there on a Monday night. I came in on a trailer.

I got into town at six. I went to Al Caputo for dinner, took a shower and went right to the economy store my first night here on a Monday night. I saw Wills Parisi telling lies. I saw Eddie Griffin with the black dude from the show Gunna Harlem, Tupac. What's the actor who played the black karate guy?

I was there. Time off. Time off. I was there when he was there. I was there that day. On a Monday night. Because I had already been there for a few years when you came over.

Yeah, yeah. You came along in 98? Yeah, 97. March of January of 97. I walked into the store. January 29, 1987. She made me a regular February 19, 1997. I came out here with Brewer.

I think it was 93 to film the pilot. And then we came out in 94 to shoot the show. And that's when I moved here. It was only a couple months later. Because it was like winter time or close to it. And I came to the store immediately. So first thing I did. It was more important for me to be like being a paid regular.

Like when I became a paid regular. Because when I first was on television, I was a non-paid regular. So I would do a TV show all day. And then I'd have to go on at the end of the show. I'd have to wait until Carl Spencey would put stockings over his head. He would pull like pantyhose over his face.

He had this whole bit about robbing people. Like he put pantyhose over his face. And I remember, OK, he's pulling out the pantyhose. Like I'm going up soon. And I would go up after the show was over. After everybody and their mother went and did comedy. And then I'd have to get up and do the. But when I became a paid regular,

when she finally made me a paid regular. That was more important to me than anything. Anything. Me too. It was like TV show wasn't shit. How did you hear about it? Because now with podcasts, the store is basically a celebrity. It was always a celebrity.

Before the internet, how did you hear about it? Because it was Mecca. No, it was Mecca for Turcomic. Listen, when you joined Jiu Jitsu in New York, at a school in fucking Eagle Rock, New York, you know that your dream is to go to. What's his name? Hanzo Gracie or Marcello Garcia.

And then after that, I'm going to go to Ten Planet. And that's the Mecca HQ. You know, I got to make it to HQ. I'd bump into people on the road. They go to me, man, I was HQ. What are you talking about? At Ten Planet. You know, I could see in their eyes,

that's their Mecca to a comedian. That's your Mecca. You hear about the Laugh Factory, and you inquire about the improv. But the Laugh, you know, you know, people tell you over the years, amen, when you get to Vegas, make sure you're in the T-Shorts season.

The store was where everybody came from. But for me, it was where the two greats, Kenison and Pryor, they all ran shit at the store. So when I came to the store, like, that was hollow ground. Like, I remember seeing, sitting in that room, when they, when the open bike is on, it's a different show than when the open mic's over, and then the pros go up.

So, like, the show will start at whatever, and it goes to, like, whatever. I forget what the numbers are. It goes seven, nine, or six, to eight, or whatever the fuck it is. But when the real show starts, they shut all the lights off. And the lights that are in the room,

that they're all, like, names of the big comics, like Sam Kenison had a neon name, and Roseanne Barr, you know. And a couple of weird ones, like, Tamayo was a weird one. It didn't make any sense. But there was a few, like, she kind of had a little heat on her

way back in the day. You know, there was a few comics that were on that wall. And I remember, like, just being in that room, looking up at that wall going, holy shit, that's Sam Kenison's name. This is where he used to go up. This was the fucking stage that I had seen in these videos. I had seen, like, VHS tapes.

They came up on this stage. I don't know, getting off stage on a Saturday night, like, doing the best I had done in the first three months I was there, and Gary Shanley talked to me and going, if he only knew that I robbed that boring kids chain, would he fucking still be talking to me? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that would have felt like to me

when I'd see these people. Like, this is just a, it's not a dream come true, because it was never a dream. This was always so far away for a guy like me. This was all an accent. This was all Stan Hope talking to me and going, you know, you got to come down.

There's nothing in Seattle. That's it. You're a future. How long were you up there in Seattle for? 18 months. You know, you're- Did you like living up there? Did the rain, the winter, that bum you out?

You know, at the time, I was going through hell in Boulder, so I was just happy to be out of that mentality, that war mentality. Right. And I didn't really pay attention to it, too. You know, when you wake up in Seattle and it's the fourth week of rain, it does someday.

You know, it doesn't do nothing to me. I'm not going to hang myself or get a shot. But you don't feel good. Well, you know, there's no sun, you know. For me, it didn't work. It's fine. The summers are great. You know, the water's cold and alky

and all those beaches, you know, Bremerton, that water's fucking real. That's the Pacific, bitch. That's Penguin Pacific, you know. It's coming down. It's coming down from there. And as you come down the coast, you'll see the water warms up, not by much, okay?

When you're in Al-Qaeda and you go to whatever, Oregon. Even Santa Monica. Santa Monica's fucking cold. It's cold. Malibu's fucking cold. You know, then you go to Myrtle Beach and it's piss water in April. You know, seaside is warm as fuck right now. It's hotter than fuck right now, you know.

But no, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the comedy. I was so entangled in the comedy. That's what the regular person doesn't understand that. And they do. They do, whether you do electrical work or you bodybuild a jiu-jitsu. When you first get involved with somebody, yeah.

You're getting golfed in it. So this was, I went to Seattle when I was doing comedy my fourth year and I was in. Like for the first two, I just had a business card and told people I was a comedian. You know, I'm a comedian. I get on stage once a month. I do an open mic.

But the 94, it just hit me. Like this was it. This was all I had left. There was nothing else. I was 31. I had been in prison. There was a couple jobs I could do. And this was one of them.

This fit my lifestyle. This, I could drink. I could snort blow. I get my dick sucked. I have no commitment to nobody, no responsibility. You could have a mailbox somewhere. You could have a pager number somewhere. At that time, I just wanted to be left alone.

You know, I wanted to be Charles Brunson, but just do comedy. Do comedy. But I did all the triple runs. I did those triple runs backwards, bro. Like $85 a night to feature and gas comes out of there. And you drive eight hours between each gig. Eight hours, sometimes 14.

Sometimes you got to leave right after the gig just to make radio the next day. Because you'd have to do radio at five for the eight o'clock show. You know, this is combat comedy. I never worked at nothing, Joe. Guys, I always did something until I found out there was work involved.

And that's what a lot of people fucking do. And they become 50. I have a friend that called me two days ago to say hello. It's 55. He's still looking for the perfect job. He quits a job every two months. You know, because there's work involved. It's just not getting a job.

Now they have to work. People think they go to college and they get on. They sit at the desk. Or they, whatever. You have to fucking work. This guy wants, no, I can't work for $60,000. I need $130,000 to start. That's not happening no more, my friend.

So everything else, I never worked at everything. When I realized after a month or two, I would say to myself, I'm getting $10 an hour. That's $400 a week. I sell an eight ball. I can make $400 a day. I mean, while I'm doing what? I'm making cement and putting it on people's trays

and getting abused by the masons to fucking make $10 an hour. And they're not teaching me nothing. They're not teaching you shit. You know what I'm saying? So comedy went like the second year of comedy. I asked questions and I put it together in my head what needed to be done.

I knew there was a lot of driving involved. A lot of Rifa. A lot of, there was nothing. I slept in my car the first fucking two or three years of comedy on the road. Isn't it also that you see other people doing it and you realize you can do it? Like that was a comfort for me.

Yeah, that's the way it went everything. Open micers. And I saw like people that were just chipping away at being a pro. And I'm like, this guy is nothing unique about him. He's just another guy. Like he's not like some incredibly talented guy that I couldn't imagine ever being.

Like I think I could be like that guy. It was like, it was attainable enough. You know, Richard Jenny always said that. He said really bad comedians are good because they inspire people to try it. Because they go, the worst I could do is be better than that guy. No, you got a good point.

And you just keep, and it takes years. It takes years to get your voice. Then you get your timing. And then you get into a place like the store and you start all over again. You get to the store, you start all over again. So wherever market you came from or you were the hot dog,

and that's where people can't handle. That's where it goes wrong. When they come out here and they've been fucking killing in Iowa or whatever the fuck they're from and they go in the comic store and they're sandwiched in between Rogan and Nick Topolo. And it's post time, bitch.

It's Wednesday at 10.45. And you got the 11 o'clock spot and you're sandwiched. And you, you know, it's a fucking nightmare. And it's your skin and it's your pride if you hang out or whatever. For a guy like me, I didn't give a fuck. I knew it was about percentages. And I knew the more you got up there

and you worked a little bit out, it's the better you get. Did you ever do stand up in New York? Did you ever like, no? You're doing New York this weekend. This weekend. You're doing Gotham. That's a great club.

Great club. That's one of the best places. New York, I did New York in 94. What I did when I go to New York Comedy Club, I go to stand up New York. The dude that was sick didn't like me at comedy. Yeah, Lucian didn't like me. And then there was these other little holes

that I would go to. I would drive a limo and in between driving limos, I would stop and get on stage. And I was terrible. And I knew I was terrible. But my options were I would go back and do coke and cry and look at stand up comedy by Judy Carter

and look at the comedy newspaper. You know, that used to be just for last. I came out of San Francisco and I would read the articles. Like I still remember the best articles I read in there were by Hicks and, you know, they had different comedy scenes all over the country. It was very interesting to read.

And at the end, they had all the active comedy clubs. And there was pages, you know, Arizona, Arkansas, you know, whatever, what started would be with Canada, California, you know, and you looked at all Ig Bees and all these clubs and you had this dream that someday I might get good enough and I might be able to play at Ig Bees, you know. And then what's her name?

Did a contest at the Comedy Works. And Wendy, Wendy did a contest and the winner got 500 bucks and a ticket to Los Angeles to perform in Femiti Shore at the world famous comedy store. And there was this dude, Matt Woods. Matt Woods and Matt Berry. Matt Berry sold shows.

Matt Woods was his buddy. And he would work with comics on Tuesday night and take him to his apartment and you wrote and then you'd go do the open mic. I was always doing the sports betting thing. I couldn't get to his apartment. So he didn't really dig me. So the night of the contest, I came in second.

But the first place guy had Rob Seinfeld and all these comics said he Rob Seinfeld. So Joey gets the redeem. I got the 500, but then I got the plane ticket. So he stole some Seinfeld's jokes to win the contest. Yeah, to win the contest. The local scenes are funny, man. It's a funny thing.

It's like it's one of the few performance art forms where you need an audience. If you don't have the audience, you can't do it. Like you need an audience to create it. Like they have to be there. Otherwise, you don't get, if you don't get that feedback form, it's not like you can bring out a fully developed

album like a band could. A band could throw together a fully developed album and say this is our first time performing this and then do their pieces. But you need that audience. And you also need competition as other comics. And that's what some places just don't have. And that feeling like when a guy like Lucian would tell you,

you suck, you really need to work on your act. That's so good. It's so important. I hated hearing it back then. Like I forget he didn't pass me the first time I performed for him whatever year it was, probably 1990. He just didn't not pass me. He came over to me and said, you're terrible.

But he just didn't not pass me. Like, and I thought about it and I go, yeah, I know this. But I'll be back, bitch. Like that was, I had a mentality like that. But he had a really high standard. He had a high standard. Guys, I wasn't even in the realm of, I wasn't even in the realm of.

But those guys are important. And I knew this going in. They force you to a higher standard. Yeah, no, no, it's, listen, I loved it. I loved, it pushes you harder. What about Lewis at Catch Rising Star? Did you ever perform for him? Lewis Faranda?

No, no, no, no. He had the same thing going on, man. Yeah, Mondays, you had to get a coin. And you had to stand online. No, I never went up there. I never did none of that shit. I was going to get abused. I didn't have the time to stand up.

The one guy who liked me was the one comedy club he put me up because I brought my friends and they'd spend money. Stand up in New York, give me spots because my friends would stand money. They'd spend, you know, they'd get drinks. And I'd get seven minutes here, 10 minutes here, you know, and then I'd go to Yale, triple in, which is more my style.

It was just a dump. And I would go to the open mic start at two. Two. Wow. And then one night I went and John Leguizano was on stage working as one man's show. And I knew I was on to something. When he would do his one man show,

would he do like the whole thing, like an hour, like at a show? You know, I don't, I don't really know. Or he's doing chunks. One night I walked in and saw him do 20 minutes and they said he'll be doing here for a while and I had to pick somebody up in County Airport. But that let me know that that was the system. That when you were working on stuff,

you went to off, off Broadway, you know what I'm saying? Right. That taught me right there. So now I was getting bits and pieces. Then I went to Colorado. And when I went to Colorado, the stakes had, there was little, right now, today, if you come to me and say I'm a stand-up comedy,

but there's no place for me to perform, I'll spit in your face. Because you have to, you have to make your own stuff. And knowing what I know now takes you two minutes to go around. I did comedy when I was in love with comedy. When I couldn't fucking wait to get on stage and tell another bad joke, you know, when you just can't wait to get on stage, I'd have to go to poetry reading.

No motherfucker could tell me my business, bitch. Nobody. That's why I get pissed when people are like, whoa, stand up, listen, you know what? Go fuck yourself, okay? Because you're talking to a guy that went from zero to 60 with it. Like, I had to learn along the way. Nobody guided me.

Like, oh, love the stand-ups. But this is what you're doing. You have to make your own. It's all getting, you think you're making progress and somebody steps on your parade. Then you go back to the drawing board. But every time you go back to the drawing board, you get 3% better.

You know, and you get a little bit better. And he breaks you down and, hey, where'd you get that joke from? It's terrible. Or, you know, this guy heckled you. You're talking, you know, when I was doing comedy in New York, I picked up a fucking horrible habit. And once you pick up a bad habit and stand up,

it's like when I was a kid and I'd rebound. I was a great rebounder. But I always put the ball on the floor. It's a bad habit. Grab the ball, tip the toe, and go right back up with it. Once you grab the ball and bounce it, you draw the fucking people to you. Why are you doing that?

It was a habit that took me years. You know what habit I picked up in New York that took me five years to get rid of it? Talking to the audience. That's a big New York thing. Where you from? What do you do for a living? You from Jersey?

And I got into that habit. And that's a habit to eliminate writing. That's what that habit does in New York. Eliminates writing. And when you're doing the stand-ups in those rooms during the week, there's eight people. You know? So you pick up, and that's a habit

that went with me all the way to fucking Seattle and down here at that light. It came to the comedy store for a while. And I fucking had to beat it out of me. You pick up bad habits, you know? You pick up a word that you won't stop saying something, and it just really, it's been a great, for me, man, it saved my fucking life.

So some people, a DJ, saved their life. You know? Like some people get saved by a DJ, for me. I got to tell you that the more I got into this, the less I got into criminal activities. I wish that this would overpower the cocaine early in my career, but that monkey was deep jacked. Well, it's also a more positive thrill.

You know, you needed thrills. That's what you needed. I'm a thrill guy. I'm a listen, bro. Every comic is. You know, I'm trying to write this book, and I wrote these chapters, and I was looking at them, and then I go, this is bullshit.

This is bullshit. In five chapters, I haven't spoken one thing about being a fucking thief. Let's get this out of the way. Like, I was a fucking thief, like a fucking klepto. But why'd you have to have it in the first five chapters? Is it about your life? No, no, yeah, yeah.

I was just thinking about how that the basic of this, and I was this, it's just weird. It was, I had a thief problem from a young age, like I was stealing, in the first grade, I was stealing teacher's editions and selling them to kids with the answers, the books with the answers, two bucks, a quarter,

you know, stupid fucking kids, whatever. They want the answers, but even as you looking at it as that, but it became a habit. You couldn't, bro, people would know I would steal your fucking, I would rob you out. And then once the cocaine came, it fueled. And once my insides broke down and stuff, it fueled that habit for a long fucking time.

So it overpowered that. Like, even that, I was going on the road and getting caught shoplifting, stealing the tent. And I had a whole one time on a triple run, you know what I'm saying? It even overpowered that. I would steal as a form of fucking, like, jinxing me. Like, when things were going good,

I would steal something. Why the fuck do you steal that fool? So you think you do it on purpose? You were sabotaging yourself? Oh, yeah, towards the end, towards the last couple of years of stealing. Do you think it was just an impulse thing? Like, you want, you got a thrill out of stealing something?

I love, dog, I love. Listen, we were talking the other day, you think I like shooting movies? Is that what you really think? I go to auditions to fuck motherfuckers up. What do you mean? When I go to an audition, it's to fuck a motherfucker up. I hate shooting a movie.

I like booking the movie. I like thrills, Joe Rogan. So you like going and fucking them up? I like all these actors out there. And they're doing breathing exercises, and they're off to the side, doing all this shit. And this fat motherfucker walks in, that's a felon, and goes, watch this, bam!

And when I'm walking out, I know it. I know when the room just goes silent, and I walk out and they're still doing their breathing exercises, and they've trained at the actors studio. And I come home and I get the call. So you like the competition of it all too? I love all that shit, that shit. When I live in Colorado, I'd see these guys

at the lift with fucking the helmet, and the thick winter jacket, and the pants, and the boots, and the $3,000 skis. And my brother-in-law's, my ex-brother-in-law's, those two Gentiles, they'd show up with jeans and a fucking construction shirt, and smoke everybody. And they'd go, you know what I'm saying? I like those guys, that they're not dressed like it.

They went to eat breakfast, and the guy came in by himself and riding the bike with the cleats on the helmet. I'm like, why all the drama? You weren't even in a race. Why all the drama? You're not even in a fucking race, and you got the helmet on, let it go already. Like, I never wanted, like, I don't know, it was just, I loved...

Auditioning's a weird thrill. Auditioning's a weird thrill for me. I love fucking people up, but that came from burglarizing. I loved it. I loved it when I met a drug dealer, and I went to his house, and they thought he was cool, and he'd put a gun out, and he'd say to me, yeah, you know, this and this.

I got two kilos in the house, and two days later, I'd just wake up in the middle of the night and go, I'm robbing that motherfucker. Watching me watch my heat, and let's say it was this office, I'd plant across the street, and for three days, I'd figure out how to get into this fucking office, and if he had the coke in hand with all his security, and all his pit bulls, and all his toughness,

I figured out a way how to climb through that fucking window, and come in and rob his coke and leave. I loved it. I loved it, and I loved him walking into the bar going, somebody fucking robbed me, and me and my buddies are there sitting there going, come on. What the fuck happened?

Somebody came in, broke into my room, and we're just fucking howling inside. I loved all that shit. I loved my heart beating. I loved the drug for so long that I know I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for a lifestyle. You can't do it for a fucking lifestyle. You know, you-

Why did you figure that out? After you'd been in jail? Yeah, after you go to jail, and you talk to all those people, you know that the odds are always against you. But the problem is when people go to jail, and they team up with other people, they're like-minded, they become stronger criminals.

They learn more things. Now you tell me how you got caught. Lee tells me how he got caught, and I tell you how you got caught, and we figured out, oh my god, so next time we do travelers checks, you don't, you follow me? Institutional lies.

It's an institutional lies. So that's it, it makes you, you become a better fucking criminal when you go in there, you know? Once I got out of there, I knew, I saw a lot of people that didn't belong there, but I knew people in there that should have been shot. They shouldn't even warehouse them.

They should just be shot, because there's no such thing as rehabilitation. These people can't get out to do another fucking crime again. But then there's the guy that went out to a party, drank a beer, got in the car, and killed somebody on a red light, you know? And he goes to jail for six years from the voluntary mans law.

It was just a fucking bad place at the wrong time. Do you follow me? There's two types of criminals here. He fucked up. This other guy is a fucking animal, you know? So it's just, but that's, it definitely cured me. I think the comedy, definitely,

the more I get involved with it, and it wasn't even the success, because the first success I ever had in comedy was becoming a regular at the comedy store. You're absolutely right. To me, that was the end or be all. That was the shit talk. Well, you just are a very impulsive guy,

and that impulsiveness, a lot of it, comes from troubled childhoods, comes from an absence of love, avoid whatever the cause of it is. You were an impulsive sort of a troubled guy. And so I think that the thrill that you got, those wild thrills that you got from stealing, or from robbing a drug dealer, you just figured out a way to replace them.

And that, but the impulsiveness is what leads to all the weird things that you wound up doing, the drug thing, like all the different things you wound up doing where you sabotage yourself. And a lot of it is just this, it's the inability to maintain normalcy, the inability to stay on a steady path. You're always constantly used to things failing on you.

And so to alleviate the disappointment, you'll fail on yourself. You'll fail on myself. I would do that for years. You'd say, what the fuck? I did that too. Everybody did that. Everybody does that, you know? It's just something that I did a little less

because of the fighting, because of the martial arts background, because you couldn't do that in fighting. His stakes were too high. It was too dangerous. You'd see too many people get kicked in the head. So when you would go in there, man, you had to go in there.

That was, you had, and the only way to really compete was you had to figure out how to just let it all go and just you got to turn into like an animal. You got to go wild. You know, you can't have any, like once it starts, you can't act with fear. You have to be completely zen and you got to be able to get wild.

And so you couldn't sabotage yourself. Like you couldn't not train. You couldn't get drunk before you would fight and be hung over when you showed up to weigh in. You couldn't do any of those things. Those were too scary. So that saved me in a lot of ways from being the type of impulsiveness that I had

that led me to be a stand-up comedian would have manifested itself in drugs or crime or something like that. It would have. Definitely would have. Because I didn't fit in and I'd always felt like a loser. So I would have done something disastrous. And I never had any success in anything in life.

So I always assumed that I was never going to have any success. So if I ever started having any success, I'd immediately sabotage it immediately. I know I would. But martial arts, I couldn't do that. And I also couldn't do it because my instructor, because I didn't grow up with my father, my instructor took the place of my father

as a high role model of a man, martial arts champion who was well respected throughout the country. He took the place, like this authoritarian place, and my life completely changed. I became completely rigid and disciplined. So because of that, carrying that over allowed me to not sabotage my comedy career too much.

Everybody does it. Everybody just has moments where just for whatever reason you do the wrong thing, or you say the wrong thing, or think the wrong thing. And a lot of times you don't even realize why you're doing it until you get older. Which I probably have for sure. If you watch Omit the Lodger,

when they gave him the shot at the Hollywood Bowl for the gay benefit, and he went up there and fucking started going on. Like, where the fuck were you motherfuckers when I needed your mother? And they went to his house next to him and said, what the fuck happened, Richard? What the fuck is wrong with you?

How can you do that? And comics, you know, our minds work fucking crazy. You know, our minds... It's... You have to figure out how to get out of your own way. Yeah, it scares me sometimes. It fucking scares me, man. Well, for you extra, for you extra,

because for the longest time when I knew you, you had the drug problem. And that was one of the things that you were very close to my friend Johnny. Very similar, because Johnny was another guy who was a brilliant guy, who was a street guy, who was a pool hustler. And when I met him, he was homeless,

he was sleeping in pool halls. He would go to Chelsea Billiards, it was a 24-hour pool hall. He would sleep under the table. I mean, a lot of guys did that. There's a few guys did that. And they would hustle. They'd have one guy that got arrested there,

would run a three-card money. I mean, it was like they had the shell game that they would run. I mean, everybody was figuring out a way to make money other than working a regular job. And they were all drugies, all of them. Everyone was a junkie, almost everyone. The guys who weren't were the guys who were like straight,

ironically, let me hear this story. One of the guys who wasn't, who was on the straight and narrow, I won't say his name out of respect because he died recently. And he's a pretty famous player. He was Mr. Clean, man. And he always looked down upon everybody

until he had a back injury. And the back injury, they put him on those fucking pills. And he was gone. He started smoking cigarettes. He started gaining weight. He became this pill popper. And my friend said, the last time he saw me before he died,

he died young. The last time he saw me, he fell asleep in a fucking plate of food. Just plonk, glicking a movie. Plopped his face in the mashed potatoes. And mashed potatoes were stuck to his eyebrows and his nose. He just fell asleep from the heroin,

from the pills, from the OxyContin. Just plopped him. And this was a guy that, when my friend Johnny was a junkie, and when all these guys in the pool halls were drunk, this guy wouldn't even drink. And he was a pro. He was well respected.

He was in his 20s back then. And he was top 15, top 30 in the country. He was a high level guy. And when you get to that level, like top 30 pool players in the country, on any given night, one guy can fucking hit a stride and beat anybody.

And he was a good dude, man. That was a sad thing to say. I've seen a few guys like that that were on the street narrow. There's nothing wrong with them. And then they got on those goddamn fucking pain pills. And for him, it was a back thing that's probably related to pool.

Because he didn't exercise. Didn't lift weights. The thing about pool is, you put a lot of stress on your head is up and your body's bent. And you're playing sometimes for like, eight fucking nine hours a day. It's not uncommon to play every day

when you're a high level pool player. So your back is going through a lot of stress and pressure. And almost none of those guys did yoga. Almost none of those guys lift weights. And some of them would develop back problems. This fucking dude got a back problem. And then I think he actually even

got in a car accident too. So he got more fucked up. And then he started with the pills. It's amazing the mind of the hustler. Because the other day, about two weeks ago, you got up early and you go, no matter what time I get up, Diaz is already on tour.

Yeah. That's if you get the root of that mentality. That's the hustle mentality. Every day I'm hustling. Every day I'm hustling. I wake up under that table at six o'clock. And I don't know how I got here. You know, that was the truth.

If I was to wake up on that couch tomorrow morning at six to beat, I wouldn't know how I got here. I'd wake up. There'd probably be some powder on the table. There'd be a little bit left. There'd be a half a beer. And you go to the bathroom and then you come back and you think about what happened last night.

You look at your phone and you go through your pockets. And you got $3 and you're fucking starving. And that's when the hustle starts, my friend. Right there is where it starts. You already got a guy. You go see to give you two eggs and bacon and a fucking piece of toast and put it on a tab till five o'clock.

So you got till five o'clock to make it happen. You got to brush your teeth, comb your hand, go to the pool or whatever the fuck. And there's something there. And you never know. It could be pool. It could be some guy who robbed a box off UPS and there were wrenches on there.

And you got to go sell them. It's fucking mind boggling. But I'll tell you how mind boggling it was when I moved to Colorado. When I first left that area in New Jersey in 83, I slept for three weeks straight. It wasn't the acclimation. Because that was always, it was just my mind.

The stress level went from here to here. I just fucking fell apart. That was it. It's the mind of a hustler is just horrible. It's a lot of grinding. A lot of grinding. And there's no fucking yoga. You go with a guy doing yoga.

Yeah, okay. Some guys sitting at six in the morning going, you know what I need? I need a little downward dog before I take somebody on A-ball. This guy who was one of the guys that used to go to the pool hall was this disgusting pervert. He was disgusting.

And he played some pretty decent pool, but he was what they would call a scary ass. Like he wouldn't, he would never make a bet unless he was absolutely sure he could win. So everyone was always trying to con everyone else. Like even the hustlers, they would try to hustle each other. They'd talk shit to each other.

Bitch, I'll give you the eight, nine, and the break. Step the fuck up right now. I'll give you two to one on the money. They'd make these crazy propositions with each other if they didn't get any action. And this one guy was the most scary. He wouldn't play anybody unless he had just everything locked down.

But he would play like regular people would come in off the street. He would try to get like, he looked like he was out of shape. He looked like a degenerate. He looked like he was falling apart. But he was a super fucking creepy pervert. And he would pay old ladies,

like old homeless ladies, to jerk off in their face. He would give them like, he would give them like $5 or $10. And you know, like the lady he was talking about, like she was saying, I'm a grandmother. I can't believe you're doing this.

He'd go, shut up and come in her face. And she's an old homeless lady. And oh, I go, you're jerking off in an old homeless lady's face. He's like, I love it. I love it. And she's crying. It really did.

He was like, she's crying while he was coming on her face. I'm a grandmother. And he's like, they all cry in the bathroom. And they're washing that fucking goo off their face. They all cry. But she's like a fucking 65, 70-year-old lady. And he's jerking off in her face. And she's homeless.

A 65-year-old homeless lady. And he's coming in her face for five bucks. You think about it. When somebody just comes in your face and you're in the bathroom and washes it up, what are you thinking about your life? He really loves me. I mean, what the fuck are you thinking about?

Well, some girls like it. Yeah. Some girls like it when you come in their face. But they're generally young. It's fun and it's wild. They're not 65-year-old homeless grandmas. When you really are getting off and jerking off on some poor, starving old lady's face,

like those are the type of people that you'll find or you used to find in New York. They don't have them anymore. They don't have. I think they have a couple 24-hour joints in New York. But everything closes now. Everything has a closing time, whether it's two or four. There was a bunch of pool halls, a bunch in Manhattan.

When I was around, it was still nothing compared to the turn of the century. At the turn of the century, in 1900, there was 1,000 pool halls in New York City. 1,000 pool halls in New York City. That was the bachelor lifestyle. These guys, they didn't want to fucking. This was like during the area of the Depression,

like the 1920s especially. They didn't want to have to take care of a fucking family and a wife. It was hard enough, just rough scrabble, trying to feed yourself. Like what I want to have a fucking wife and a kid and have to go out there and figure out a way to feed them and have them fucking starving.

Like I was starving when I was growing up. Like so many people were starving like that, that they were scared. And this bachelor lifestyle kind of grew out of that. Also, it was fun. They were playing cards and shooting craps and getting arrested. And pool halls were automatically associated

with derelicts and degenerates. In fact, the game pool, it's not even called pool. It's called pocket billiards. Pool is a term for throwing all your money in. Pooling your money for games. Because everybody would throw in. Like you very rarely bet your own money. Like guys would go, who wants in on this?

I could beat this motherfucker. Let's fucking make some money. And that's how these guys, like a lot of it, they were feeding off of each other. And they would, a thousand pool halls, so you're traveling all over the fucking city. And that was the bachelor lifestyle for these guys, that pool hall lifestyle.

That's why I was always associated with the glorious result of a misspent youth. Like everybody who was a good pool player, like to this day, that's like that weird, it's a weird thing. Like if a guy's good at badminton, guess what? Nobody gives a fuck, you know? But if a chick walks into a pool hall

and starts chalking up the queue and says, you guys want to bet some money on this? Like, oh shit, can she fucking play pool? Fuck, if this bitch beats me at pool, that's like she's stealing your manhood. A chick can beat you at Miss Pac-Man and nobody gives a fuck, okay? But if a chick breaks and runs out on you for 100 bucks,

she's like, oh my god, I just lost a game of pool to a chick. Because it was a totally male bachelor lifestyle, sort of a pastime for like the longest time. That's what I loved about it, man. When I first came to New York, and I started playing in Boston, that's when I first started playing. But not seriously, until I hurt my ACL,

I tore my ACL on my knee, and I didn't have insurance yet. So I had to wait a while and then fake an injury and then get my insurance and have to wait until after it set in, allegedly. This is all fiction. So anyway, I started playing pool with my friend John, who was a stand-up comic.

John Tobin, he's a radio personality now in New York. And we started playing pool with this place called Executive Billiards. And then I met the owner there, and then I didn't know how to play at all. I was just learning. And then I met Johnny. He was trying to hustle me.

That's how I met him. I was like, who's this motherfucker trying to pretend he doesn't know how to play pool? Like, we were laughing while he was trying to talk me into a game. You know, I go, I'm not good. Like, he goes, don't worry about it. We can figure out a way to make a game.

I go, what does that mean? Make a game. What does that mean? He goes, we'll figure out a way to make it even. I go, there's no even. I go, you're good and I'm not good. So how's that ever going to be even? And he starts laughing and we're laughing.

But I got to see these guys that were all just hanging out there all the time. They would get off work, and they would rush over there. There was Deli Steve. They would call him Deli Steve because he worked at the Deli. There was Ray the Fireman. Ray the Fireman, they would do 24-hour shifts

at the fire room in place. So he would do his 24-hour shifts, he'd cook over there, hang out with the guys, and then he would come in. And when the shifts were over, he'd come into the pool hall. You know, he'd hang out. You know, you could show up at Executive Billiards and knock on the door at four o'clock in the morning.

And if the lights were on, there was guys in there gambling. They just locked the door. After closing time, we'd stay open until dawn. Then we'd go to Stardiner and have fucking breakfast. I mean, it was fun. It was all fun. So when I had this girlfriend, I had a serious girlfriend for a while.

One time she said, you know, she gave me an ultimatum. She's like, it's either me or pool. I go, rack them up. It's over. That's what I said. I said, rack them up. I go, that place is fun. Nobody complains.

I'm like, yeah, you're pretty, and you're fun to be around. You're nice. And I like having sex with you. All those things are true, but you're not taking me away from the pool hall. The pool hall was fun. It was all men.

Like you would go there. And everyone was laughing. The place would be thick with cigarette smoke. I didn't give a shit. You'd go in there and everybody would be like, you know, hey, remember when Baba Bun? Ah, it was just a bunch of animals. They didn't have to show up with a suit and tie on.

They didn't have to be stuck in a fucking cubicle. They didn't have to file the rules, the human resource set up for the company. They got to be themselves. They got to be themselves in a world that doesn't let you be yourself. In a world that doesn't let you swear, a world that doesn't want you on pills,

you could buy pills from everybody. There was this guy, Jeff. Jeff, I had my knee operated on, so they gave me Percocets. I took one. I was like, fuck these things. They're terrible. I sold them to Jeff.

And Jeff was selling them in the pool hall. You could get anything in that place. This is the first time I ever saw a guy do heroin. First time I ever saw a guy do heroin, this guy used to call him Water Dog. His name was, he had a bunch of nicknames. Water Dog, Buffalo Bill, he had a couple different nicknames.

I don't even remember his real name. But he would go into the bathroom and shoot up. And they would come out and just sit on a stool like this. For 30 minutes, just sit there, like with his mouth open, his hands down, and then screw his cue together, step over the table, and couldn't fucking miss. There was a trick table.

They had this table, table one, and it was what's called double shimmed, which means like a regular table's five inch pockets, a gold crown's five inches. This table was under four inches. It's a tiny little hole. And it was a trick table in that, like the guy who did the shim job

was a shitty fucking table mechanic. So if you hit the point at all coming in, it would literally bounce the ball out of the hole. You hit it perfectly to get it in there. And he's firing balls into this table. He couldn't miss. He couldn't miss. The heroin had completely removed his nerves.

And he would say that he just saw the table different. He would just see the table. Takes you an ambition. Like why I said, when you get really high the night before and you go do something, takes you an ambition somewhere. You don't even think about what you think about before. And he was playing for big money, too.

Yeah. He was playing for like $10,000 once. He was playing this guy. And it was huge. Like everybody came from all over the place. Guys drove up from Connecticut to see this match. And he was, the guy was so fucking mad because he had went into the bathroom and did his junk.

And he came back out, sat down for 30 minutes, and then couldn't miss. And couldn't miss just running out on him and then screaming at each other. And the guy, the heroin guy, Buffalo Bill, the dude screaming at him. This guy, George the Greek, screaming at him. And he was just looking at George like this.

Nothing. Didn't register. Didn't register that he was in danger. Didn't register that he should scream back. Didn't, he's like, are we playing? Are we going to keep playing? Like he's like, is this over? I guess this is over.

He starts unscrewing his screw. Fuck you, you fucking got no heart. Get back on that fucking table. And he get back on the table and he wouldn't miss again for five hours. I saw like world-class pool from a guy that had just, for 30 minutes, sat there like this. It really is fucking amazing.

The place was glorious, man. I really need to write a book about the glory days of executability. Because it's like a disco now. They have a Facebook page. You go to the Facebook page. It's in White Plains, New York. The Facebook page, it's like girls twerking

and the music playing and lights are flashed. And I'm like, what is this? This was like a great pool hall. I still can't get over the balls it would take to go to like a 70-year-old grandma who's homeless. They jerk off in their face. And say, let me come in your face. Oh, he was a dirty person.

He was a, this guy was such a dirtbag. He was such a dirtbag. And he was essentially homeless too. They would either be homeless or they would get these, these, they would rent beds in these flop houses. Like they would, it was like a place where like, you know, they had little tiny rooms and they had a bed and you would, you know, you'd all share like a group toilet.

So you wouldn't really be homeless, but you might as, you just had a place to sleep and then get the fuck out of there. There's no kitchen. Because all your money went to pool? Well, most of it was junk, you know, most of them were junkies. There wasn't, see their money didn't really go to pool. You know, like that, that wasn't like, if they would play a lot of times, like they could get some free table time

from some of the rooms. If they knew the guys, you know, they could play for the time, like for practice. And it was like cheap practice time. Wasn't that expensive to play pool? It was the money was all going to drugs. That was really where like the big, like if Johnny scored, if he scored, he would vanish.

He would vanish, you know, and sometimes it just, sometimes you didn't know if you were going to see him again. Because he would go to like the sketchiest parts of Spanish Harlem to score blow or score, he scored crack and, you know, and then towards the end it became heroin. And when it became heroin, that's when he came to visit me once. He came to visit me once when I was doing news radio. It was like one of the last times I got a chance to see him

and he was detoxing. He came out. His idea was he was going to come out and visit me. And when he was out, he was going to stay with me for like a week and he would just clean up during that time. But he was just every day, he was like, he had the flu, just shaking, lying in bed and just by the time like six, seven days he was himself again.

But it was just the saddest fucking thing to see. This guy just trying to kick it, it was just in his, it was in his bloodstream. Yeah, no, it's that, that and those fucking pills too. My friend just detox on the pills. Same thing. It's the same exact thing. It's the same exact thing.

It's the same exact mechanism. It's the same exact drug. It's an opiate. They're the hardest to kick. After the surgery, I think I took six of those things. Did you, did you worry about taking them? Nah, you know, my fucking tolerance. Yeah.

Even my tolerance was garbage. But did you worry that you would like somehow or another decide that like you would start doing drugs again, not just you're in a different place in your life now? Yeah, you know what? You've also, the thing that I've noticed about you over the last couple of years that's really changed unless the last like three or four years,

it's really from when she started doing podcasts and people got a chance to see the real you. And then once people saw the real you, you would go on stage. Like we started doing shows and you would go on stage and people would go fucking crazy. They would start cheering and it was a different thing. It was like they knew you now.

So you could just be yourself and the amount of love that you would get, you get so much love everywhere we went. I saw it like changing your perceptions of yourself. You know, I saw it because like we would do shows way back in the day. Where, you know, they didn't know who you were. And I, you know, you would go on stage and those days I didn't even bring you up.

I didn't like to do the mic on the side like the DJ would do it or whatever. You had a fight for your life. These fucking people are not there to see you. They're there to see me. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta. And it's just, you know, it's tricky. That's a tricky, tricky thing sometimes.

This podcast has changed me. Of course, yeah. The podcast that we do has changed me because I got to live up to what the fuck I'm talking about. I can't talk about picking up a piece of paper and I'm not picking it up. I can't talk about, you gotta go outside your comfort zone. I joined Jiu-Jitsu.

I joined Jiu-Jitsu to show people that you could do whatever the fuck you want. They can't say no to you. And I go every day as hard as it is and people hit me up every day and go, bro, thank you for talking me into going down to Jiu-Jitsu. You know, the drugs that I couldn't even imagine. I couldn't even.

Yeah, because you're on a, you're in a positive place. You're on a good path. No, but if you know anything about me when I say it's over, it's over. When I did that last line of blow that night, that was it for me. That was it. That was it.

That was a big hurdle. And every day that I got off it, it made me stronger and it made me fucking go, I don't wanna do that no more. I didn't wanna be there no more. It's a shame. It was a big time period of my life, you know? But now I'm trying to redeem it. And I'm just trying to, you know,

when I do this podcast, whether it's you or with Lee, and I talk the shit I talk, I gotta walk it now. I just can't talk shit no more. I'm liable now for my words. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I open myself up at the same time. I'm letting people know, you know what? I'm the next felon.

I didn't go to fucking, I didn't have fancy parents. I didn't come out here with a credit card. You do what the fuck you want. You know, you could keep thinking about it or strap your balls on and go for it. That's it. You did it. Lee had to do it.

I had told somebody to that. I said they went back to Connecticut for a week to see their parents, their family. And they couldn't believe how different they were from that. He's only been here for four years. He's a jitsu guy. And he goes, I can't believe how different they are. When Mike told you that every time you go home,

you go there less and less. Yeah. You go home now? You know what I mean? I'm not gonna bust him for no fucking 10 days. I can't go to Jersey for no 10 days. You go less and less because you see more. And he was telling me how he can't believe

that nobody in his family has ever been out of the county. Never mind the state, the fucking county. You know, they all live six miles from the family. When the father, they go to the house and they can't talk. It's like E.F. Hut. They watch sports and nobody talks to themselves. They don't talk until the father asks a question and then they all answer and then it goes to silence.

He goes, forget the dinner table. They don't laugh at the dinner table. He goes, I don't even know. I was brazen at the fucking house. But you need to step out of things to see him. And the more you're out of him, you keep seeing him and seeing him very funny. Last week, somebody sent me the Thiago silver tape.

You know, many nights I walked around a cocaine with a gun in my hand. What do you think, he's special? That's what you do. You think Thiago South is special? Boy, he was looking for a guy too and he was over her house. I was looking for cops and shoes under beds. Shoes under beds. Picking up things behind the flag.

You know, when I go into a hotel room in the old days, the first thing I did was shake down in the room, look at cabinets. Before I did the coke in the hotel room at night, I would open up the wine cabinets and the soda machine and make sure there's no cameras in the fucking room. You know, that's your paranoia mind. That's the cocaine working.

So when I saw that fucking tape, my stomach went into a knot. You know how many nights I would do a line of coke and walk around the room with the fucking razor blade and the mirror right here and the gun and the other thing. Come out, I fucking shoot you. Come out, you motherfucker. You know how scary that is? And people would say, what are you doing?

None, none. You're just looking out a fucking window. Joey, what? Joey, what's going on? None, none, none. I thought I saw a fire down the corner and you go back and you do it and when you walk to the table to do a line, you walk backwards.

So the whole time you got your eye on that thing. And one time I was just doing coke for years and my friends came out to visit me in Boulder, Colorado. And I was on fucking federal probation. They would come to my house and piss me. And I wouldn't open the door. The one day I didn't open the door. I told this motherfucker, I ain't going down there.

You know, I didn't tell him that. I just heard upstairs and he kept saying, I know you're in there. And I didn't. And then that night I went to a hotel with these guys. And the hotel, they started playing cards. And I was like, you bring the pipe? And he asked the other guy, and I'm like, pipe.

You guys smoking weed? And I'm like, nah, dog, crack. And I'm like, wait a second. I never smoke crack. I'm like, crack, crack, like Harlem crack like that. Like, you know, black people jumping up and down with a pipe. And they're like, yeah, that type of crack. I'm like, oh, fuck it.

Give me a hit. I thought I did a hit. And I was in the shower behind the curtain. Like it was horrible. Like they were laughing. And I'm like, come on. I'm like, no, there's somebody on top of that roof. He's a fucking sniper.

You know, when I saw that Seattle silver tape, it disturbed me so much. My heart goes out to him. I couldn't judge it because I've been there. Well, what's crazy is he got reinstated in the UFC. And they got wants. And then they found this tape. And you know, again, I don't give a fuck.

The fucking ex-wife sent the tape and she's like, there's something you might want to take a look at. Yeah, but you know, I mean, this bitch seems like she was a crazy motherfucker. And obviously that's the worst. When I'm telling you, I know something, and you're telling me you're crazy. And all of a sudden she hooks up with Popovich

in fucking Saudi Arabia. So you know what I'm saying, dog? He wasn't that fucking crazy. He was going to her house with a gun because he knew that bitch was a dirty bitch. Okay, that's what he was doing with a fucking gun. Nobody goes to fucking home to Mrs. Rogan with a gun and walks around the house

or to your girlfriend and walks around the house. What are you looking for? I don't know if they were split up. I think they might have been already split up when this was going on. I think he was just coked up and being crazy. I don't think he was with her.

Oh my God, he was wiping his nose. Yeah, he was jacked. Did you hear what happened, Evangely? He got suspended for life. For life. No, no, he's like barred from fighting for life. He's not even allowed in Las Vegas. Prohibited.

Prohibited. They banned him from Las Vegas? He lives in Las Vegas. I don't know what happened. I'm just scoofing around. He's scoofing around. They gave him a $75,000 fine for running, which he retired.

Why is he going to pay him unless they put a judgment on his ass? Well, I think they owned a giant chunk. I mean, I don't know if he even got his purse. What purse? I mean, that's true. He didn't even have the phone. No, he did nothing.

But he had a fight scheduled. So he didn't get any of it. No. No. So he wasn't even under contract yet. So the real question is, do they have the jurisdiction to actually test him since he wasn't under contract?

He wasn't licensed. So he hadn't applied for a license yet. So although he had signed for a fight with Shale Sonnen, they signed like they were set, he hadn't applied for his license yet. And until he applies for his license, they don't really technically have the jurisdiction to test him because he's not applying for a license.

You can't just show up in my house and say, hey, I want to test your pay. But I don't even work for UPS yet. You know, like you can't once he once he signs on. And so that's what his attorney's claiming, which is very interesting. I just think the penalties way over the top. Like it's one thing if you want to tell the guy

he's suspended for a year, like pretend as if you caught him for steroids. You know, say it like you caught. What would you do if you caught him? If you if you got caught, it was the first time being caught. It would be nine month suspension. So instead of doing that,

they decide to prohibit him from fighting for a fucking life, a whole life. Like he can't be 80 and apply for a license for running away from one drug test. I think that's ridiculous. It was time to send the message to fighters. A lot of fighters. Yeah, but you can't you can't do it like that.

You're sending a message that you have ultimate power and you're unreasonable. That's not reasonable. It's one thing if they they said, hey, we're going to suspend it for two years. Like Chail Sonnen, he got suspended for two years this last one. Two years when you third,

I think Chail's 36, 37 somewhere around there. That's big. That's big. Those are two years when you're at the end of your prime anyway. I mean, you know, even in your in a weight class, like a 185, 205 pound weight class, when you get to be like 35, 36,

it's pretty much the tail end of your career. Heavyweights have a little bit longer. Like they they generally mature later and can compete at a higher level later. Lighter weight guys like fly weights, they their their careers end even earlier than that. Like 35 is the high end for like a fly weight. But to take away a guy's two years is big.

But to say you can never fight again ever because you ran a test, he ran from a test. He fucked up. He definitely fucked up, but you can't set that's so unprecedented and it's so crazy. I could mean if they said they would gonna

suspend it for two years. Man, that's harsh as shit. But it's been a bad month for sports. Yeah, it has been a bad month for sports. And you know what? Yeah, but there's a big difference between a guy running from a drug test and a guy beating the fuck out of his kid with a stick

or knocking his girlfriend out in an elevator. Like those are those are different things. That's like some evil shit. What a lot is going on. And this is what nobody likes to talk about. But a lot is going on is that these guys have been juke in the system for a long time. There's a bunch of them that have been juke in the system

when it comes to performance enhancing drugs. And Chale was the tip of the iceberg. And when he got popped, it sent a real message to everybody. Like they're testing everything now. And then a lot of other guys got popped. Bagutinov got popped for EPO. A lot of guys are getting popped left and right.

Kevin Casey, King Kevin Casey, he got a pop for steroids after his fight. They got rid of him. You know, there's a lot of guys that are getting popped left and right. And what we're finding out is that a lot of these folks would get clean, like right before a fight.

But in between fights, if you just catch them, to show up at their house and go, come here man, penis cut for me real quick. I need some of your blood. They're all, there's a good percentage of them that are hot. Can you believe Vanilla, what's his name right now? He must be fucking happy as fuck Vito. He's probably taking the plane to China with a mask on.

Shootin' shit. He don't give a fuck. He's like, this is the best day of my fucking life. I call it a breather. That's a terrible situation. Because he's like 36, 37 years old. And he was on testosterone for the last few years. So his natural testosterone is completely

dropped down to a very, very low level. And he's got to figure out how to fire that back up. It's actually very good for him that the fight is in February, as opposed to closer to the time when they made him get off the testosterone. Because it gives his body more time to fire up. And if he can go back to Brazil,

perhaps he can engage in certain activities that could perhaps benefit him to re-engage his testosterone system. See that's the other thing. They don't let these guys take drugs that bodybuilders take when they get off steroids that have been proven to restart your system. Like I don't even think it would be a,

it's not like a performance-enhancing drug effect. It's a normalcy effect. There's stuff called clomid. And these things are what they call estrogen suppressors. So it suppresses the level of estrogen you have, which raises the level of testosterone, apparently. In some way, I don't understand the mechanism. But a lot of bodybuilders,

when they get off of steroids, they will take this stuff. And this is one of the things that Chael was on. Because they made him get off the fucking testosterone. The guy was on testosterone for years. You make him get off of it, and all of a sudden they feel like shit. They're tired.

They can barely get through a workout. They don't have any pep in their stuff. They got no pop. Their dick doesn't work. And the only way to get your system fired back up again is to wait, either wait time, do a lot of high-intensity exercises, just try to kick it back in.

And for everybody, the amount of time it takes to kick it back in is different. So for VTOR to get it a few extra months, like what is it now? We're in September. They're doing it in what? February, is that what they said? Something like that.

It is? So think about that. He's got October, November, December, January, and then in February. So he's got another five months. That's good for him. No, but the fight was when? Next week?

December. Yeah, so he only got two months more. Yeah, he got two months more, but he's got five months from now. Right, right, right. From now, he's got enough time to give his body another exercise. Yeah, he's on a fucking plane. We're like this right now.

Rubbing that fucking juice. It's like me with an eight ball in my pocket. Well, they want to clean that sport up, man. They want to clean that sport up, and that's the way to do it. The way to clean it up is to randomize the drug testing and to do the most stringent level of testing that's imaginable, and that's what they're doing right now.

Each test costs $40,000. Every time they test these guys, it costs $40,000. It's super expensive, and it's coming out of the UFC's pocket. And they're doing it because, look, they can't keep running into these situations where guys get popped hot at these athletic commission tests because it makes the sport look terrible,

and it devalues the brand. If you have a sport and all of your top champions are all on steroids, and everybody knows they're on steroids, in a lot of people's eyes, it devalues the sport. And it can, if guys keep getting caught and they keep testing positive, and it just remains a trend for a long period of time,

you don't set a new standard and let everybody know, like, look, this is what it is. You guys can't be on drugs. If you're on drugs, they're going to ban you. They're going to kick you off the fucking sport. They're going to make sure that you lose a significant percentage of your purse. Then they're going to ban you for a year

where you can't make a living doing your sport for, like, a fucking year. So stop it. If they didn't do that, it becomes a mockery. And if it becomes a mockery, it actually devalues the sport in a lot of people's eyes. And it could be detrimental to, like, the bottom line of a business.

And that's the difference between, like, guys like Lorenzo Fertitta, he runs casinos. They know how to make money. They know where money is not being made correct. And they know this is a, they, like, it's like playing a game of poker. Like, you know what your hand is. And you know most likely what his hand is.

You have an idea. And you know, like, this is not going to work out well unless we do something here. Like, I'm going to fold. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to wait until I have a good hand and then I'm going to bet. Like, you're playing in advance. You're looking at the future.

And if they're looking at the future, they go, okay, let's look what's going on here. These guys keep getting caught. And when they get caught, a lot of these guys are saying everyone's on it. A lot of these guys are saying VTOR said that. He's like 90% of these guys use when they're in camp. That's what VTOR said.

He would know better than any of us. So if VTOR is saying something like that, he's not known as a liar. If he's saying something like that, you got to think there might be something to it. And if you want to nip that shit in the bud, there's only one fucking way. You got to randomly test these dudes.

You got to show up, knock, knock, hi. Guess who we are? We're the guy who wants your blood. And we're going to have a chain of custody of this blood and take it on a fucking plane to Baltimore where there's some super secret national security agency lab that doesn't fuck anything up. And we're going to test everything

that you have in your blood. We're going to find out if you have artificial testosterone. We're going to find out if you're taking human growth hormone. If you're on EPO, if you're on birth control pills, what are the fuck you're on? We're going to find out what you're on. We're going to know exactly what you're all about. So that's a giant wake-up call to all these fighters.

And we might have to reevaluate what guys are capable of. You know, that's one of the things that Dolce said. I had him on the podcast the other day we were talking about this. That I think that we have an elevated expectation of what guys can do. And a lot of it is based on the juiced up days. Like the juiced up days of pride.

Like they were juiced to the tits. Like Vanderlei Silva and his prime was, you know, he was just a muscle, a giant, veiny muscle of destruction. Just smashing guys' knees and fucking kicks and soccer kicks and stomps. He headbutted Guy Metzger. Fucking headbutted him before he knocked him out. He hit him with a combination, headbutted him,

and then right handed him and knocked him out. I mean, he had fought and knocked him out. He had fought all these Valley Tuto fights. And a lot of those fights, Valley Tuto is anything goes. That's what it means. He fought those bare-knuckle fights in Brazil where the headbutts were legal. So there's many videos of him headbutting guys standing up

just fucking cracking him with headbutts. So when he fought Guy Metzger, like the headbutt just came in handy. Like, oh, I know how to do this. Prank, crack. Just crazy fights. And who knows what kind of chemicals those guys are. Look at the chemicals Lisa.

Look at the, what kind of chemicals you know. Whatever brownie he gave me. Jesus Christ, you could barely see. I know. Look at his eyes. This is, he's going deep. Oh my God. He gave me like six,

this is what made Tom Segura take a Uber home. And he gave me like double what he had. This is like a, your eyes are like a caricature. I know. Like you're squeezing them shut. This is like you're, like you're playing a character. This is the, the high guy who can't see. No, those brownies are.

No, he ain't fucking around. He gets fucked up. I take him out later. These aren't fucking around either, man. No, no, no, no, no. He's peanut butter brills. Those guys, I told the story. Got me bare-knuckle.

I connected with these guys because of your podcast. Oh. You know how? How? That cousin is the story I told, the guy that was throwing the bales of coke off the plane. So I told the story.

They came to Flappers. In fact, I'm going to see him. I'm going to see a Tweety Thursday. The guy who threw the bales off the fucking plane, they gave him 50 years. Who is coming up with the fucking contest at Flappers? Did you see this latest contest? About doing dead comedians acts on Halloween?

They do, do, do in a show, a special show where they do a tribute, where they are, different comedians will do dead comedians acts on Halloween. Leave those fucking Christians alone. Are they having a mind? They're Christians. That's what really pisses me off about them. They're thieves.

That's what really pisses me off. They're thieves? Yeah, they want you to be 50% of the door and then give away tickets and not advertise. Well, they're probably starving. They're probably barely staying open. No, they, four years, they've done okay. They got tough times, man.

They've got fucking 20 comedy shows going on night and night. Do they? Go look at their webpage. Oh, good. How much do they paper in the room, though? They're just getting all the liquor? I don't know. I don't know what they're papering,

but I know that they're doing something right over there because they kept open for four fucking years. I keep wanting to go there, but Bob at the fucking ice house is such a sweetheart. I love that guy so much. There's no reason. I just do that show. You know, I used to go there and do sets,

and this is why I had to go back to the store, because it was, I could walk on there on the stage, like I just read a magazine and talk about it. And those people were starved for comedies, or somebody had three jokes, they'd kill. They're like stars. You know, you got to be pushed when you do comedy. It's the same.

You know, your training partner's got to push you. Let me give a fucking talk about these sponsors here. Don't forget, I'm doing Gotham this weekend, Saturday and Saturday at midnight. If you want to win free tickets, go to joeydears.net to hitty6.com. All right, what'd they tell you to say? 1,200 hits, more vapor.

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They're new. Oh my god, how good are they? Good. Very good. Delicious. They don't fuck around. A mild jalapeno. It's like a taste.

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Oh my god, I got the nom nom's. They went in one sitting. Peanut butter nom nom's too. I didn't get the peanut butter nom nom's. Did you eat those yet? Oh yeah, I did. I steal. This is professional.

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I said it before, nothing is free but Jesus. But nature box fucking beat me to it. You're going to get a free box shipped to your house. So good for you. Here you go. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Stay full, stay strong. Do what you want to do.

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Yeah, I recognize those little scars. Now, what's in there? Is that stitches under the skin? No, they pulled the stitches out, or they have stitches that dissolve. Most of the time, they remove the stitches. Did they remove your stitches? They removed them a few days later.

That's it. But they fucking, when I get on my hands and knees to do a child's pose, it's still not fucking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's scar tissue. It's actually good to feel that pain when you have an injury like that. You kind of break it down, break down that scar tissue.

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Those guys, they go so deep. They go deep. They do it driving from the, allegedly, from Northern California down with that torch. What allegedly? Do they break showed up at the house with a briefcase? Remember at the other office? They showed up with a fucking briefcase.

He had a sack like Santa Claus and he reaches in and he's just handing gummy bears out to the children. The whole fucking staff was fucked up at the Comedy Central taping. Everybody was eating those. Well, those gummy bears are even worse than the green hornets, which are pretty bad. Those gummy bears.

The gummy bears are death. They're hot death. I got one for the trip to mom. I'm gonna eat the whole fucking thing. Oh, no, you're not. At 6 a.m. in the morning. You eat a whole one of those? The whole big gummy bear, the 250, fuck yeah.

That's insane. I get half in two hours. 250 milligrams of THC for people don't know. A regular, really strong one has 70. Really strong. Really strong. Like I wouldn't recommend that. I would say take a half or even a quarter of a 70.

Let me taste something. But here's the most fucked up thing, guys. We eat the chibichus. We eat all chibichus. We eat everything. What's a chibichu got in it? A chibichu, the big ones got 180. The little ones got 70.

And the gummy, the green hornet got 70. So think of that. I'm gonna tell you something. Closing back like tic-tacs. But you go from that to 240. I'm gonna tell you something. And this fucks everything up. What is that?

This is called a socine brownie. They make cookies and brownies. These are three brownies divided by three. It's 200 milligrams in the middle. It's 200 milligrams in the back. It's 66 milligrams of THC each one. I just gave Lee 50. This is stronger than anything you'll eat in the business.

This is the one that kills. I mean, people's eyes get red, their faces get swollen. They gotta pull over. This is the one. This is the one. There ain't nothing. I could lie to you here. The chibichus are great, but they're 180 milligrams.

I don't know how these people do it. I like to test their shit. This takes you deep. And when he goes home in two hours, how deep will you be when I call you? Oh, my God. Deep. This is deep.

And I asked the people what is going on. They said they make it with the original butter that they went back to old school. Everybody's doing something else. They're doing the butter. I love the 250 milligram gum. It's delicious. The cherry ones, I'll fucking get fucked up

and put that iTunes, that iPod on, on the plane and take my little computer out. And I'll get fucking wasted, wasted on that flight. But there's nothing like these little 60 milligram. I don't know why. I don't know why. I didn't like getting high that one time on the plane to Austin.

I don't like it, Daddy. No, it was terrible. I don't get really nervous when I'm high, but I was paranoid on that flight. You've got no choice. Let me get on the plane. Yeah, you're on a plane. We've got to get full.

What are you going to do? Are you going to sit there and be sober? I know. You've got to sit there. That was terrifying. Jumping up and down. There's no reason to be sober on a flight, ever. Waste of a flight.

Unless you have a really important book you have to read. But we took it before we got on the plane, and then there was a bus to the plane. So I was flying by the time I got to the scene. Yeah, when you go to Austin, you got that bus to the American Airlines. When you go to Utah or fucking Austin, you got that fucking bus.

So once you land, you got to go cross country on a fucking plane, then they drop you off. They got to jump on a bus and walk back to fucking the American Airlines. I tell you what, that was a city and a club that I was really impressed with. Was that Wise Guys in Utah. Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.

I told you. That is a great fucking club, and that is a great fucking town. Those people were cool as shit. And it was, you had told me that, and a bunch of other guys had told me that, but I had my apprehensions. I was like, come on, it's Salt Lake City.

They're all uptight. Like, that's the Mormon place. They are so fucking sick of the Mormons. For me, it wasn't even about killing. You know what it was for me? You know when I fell in love with them? When people would pull me aside and they'd go, thank you. And I'd look at them and go, for what?

And they'd go, just thank you. Thank you. Nobody comes here. Thank you. Yeah, that's the other thing. Thank you, bro. When somebody looks in the eye and does that to me, that means the world to me.

Like, thank you, bro. Thank you for fucking coming here. For some people, people don't want to come here. They're whatever. You know, I love, if there's a microphone and a fucking brick wall, you know, Joe Rogan, I'm sick and tired of people talking about Comedy Club.

Like now, the, oh, Irvine is so beautiful. You know what, bro? I lost that shit about 10 years ago. When I walk into a club, they all look the same to me. And they all sound the same to me. And the sound system doesn't impress me. And the painting on the mural and the copper bell, nothing impresses me.

The laughter impresses me. And all I want is the more shit a Comedy Club has now, I don't want to go there. Wise guys is perfect. Perfect. It's got a little green room. Perfect, yeah. I don't want to see nothing no more.

Stage is small. I just, I don't want to hear about the, oh my God, what the sound? You can listen. Tell you, go suck my dick. Because I thought, the only people who complain about sound are people who aren't funny. Right.

That's the only people who complain. You remember that one time we were in Vegas? There was something wrong with the microphone. I know. The people couldn't hear me. Yeah. No, no, no, I don't like that excuse. We were in Vegas and this guy was bombing.

And we're like, oh my God, it's poor fuck. This is terrible. And he comes off stage. The first thing he was saying is like, they couldn't hear me. This is microphone to shit. We were in the back of the room. We're like, we fucking heard you loud and clear, dude. First thing people say when they bond is the sounds.

So they was old or they were, and I stopped that shit about 15 years ago. That's when I started growing as a comic. Listen, forget the sound, forget the lights. You ate a dick. I've been at the Comedy Store when I got out of there. It's black and the microphone's broken. And you're up there yelling from the top of your lungs

and they're laughing. Will you hear what happened to Heffron once? He was in the middle of the show and the fucking power went out. And so they had candles all over the tables. You know, it was one of those, it was an improv. You know, they do that improv. He took a fucking candle, held it up to his face, and talked really loud.

And just kept going. Just did the fucking show, hold it onto a candle, yelling really loud. Like projecting, like he's a Shakespearean actor. And I go, how was it? He goes, killed. Killed. Killed. It's the best feeling in the world.

Your voice is the strongest weapon that you have and you don't know it. Well, it's also the audience gets a chance to see something unique. They know that you're forced into the situation. And they love it. That you adapted. Oh, fuck it.

They love that you adapted. They love it. Where are you going next, my brothers? This weekend, I'm in Toronto. I'm doing the Sony Center. So you fly up Friday and do the show and fly to Vegas on Saturday. Yeah, then Saturday morning, I'm commentating on the UFC.

Okay. And then the week after that, where are you at? Well, I'm on my reconstruction phase now because I just filmed my special. So right now it's all about writing and doing a lot of local spots. Like tomorrow night, I'm doing comedy juice. And I'm trying to do, I'll probably

wind up doing the ha ha next week, maybe. I'm doing like those kind of gigs. You're coming along beach with me on the 8th of October, Wednesday night? If I'm home. No, I'm not home that night. Okay. That's, yeah, no, I can't do that day.

I'll do another one. Yeah, I definitely want to do Long Beach with you. November, that's really becoming a fun place for me. I want to do Santa Barbara too. I know there's a little comedy club up in Santa Barbara. I did American comedy company down in San Diego. I'm having a good time. I'm down in January.

Yeah, I'm having a good time. I'm having a good time doing clubs. Like I'm doing the Sony Center is going to be like 3200 people. It's a big fucking place in Canada. And it's fun too. Canadians are so polite and they're so nice that even a big place, you can get away with it.

But there's something about those little places, man. There's something about the ice house, like 190, when it's stuffed with people. There's something about that, man. That's the best show. It's like Wise Guys. What is Wise Guys? Like 200, 200 something.

Yeah. I love those two. Those are the best, man. Comedy works in Denver, like 250. These fucking people are opening up these clubs now for 600 seats. And I'm like. Well, you know why?

Because they can fill them now and they can get the door. I mean, they can get the bar rather, you know? They'll give people free tickets. Tell them, you know, you have to buy two drinks. As long as they can keep having places where comics perform. One of the problems with all these big places is they don't do no fucking open mics. They got to pack that place to keep it open.

Like it's a big ass place. In order to make some money, they have to have a lot of fucking people there. And you can't get a lot of fucking people for an open mic night. Whereas a place like the Comedy Works wouldn't think about not having an open mic. These people don't think about having one.

And that's, it's good for us, because a guy like you or I could show up in Irvine and do the big club that they have now. They have like a 600 seat improv in Irvine, or you could do the stand up live in Phoenix, which is like 560. I go to Tempe still. That's a great club.

I still go to Tempe. I'm old school. They offer me stand up live. It's fantastic. Tempe's fantastic. I'm a Tempe guy. It's a great part of the town too. Tempe's fantastic.

You know how I am though. Once I got something that fits that copper bell in front of that fucking stand up live, I don't want to look at that fucking thing. Yeah, no. I don't want to hear that band singing in the back. I don't want to hear somebody singing fucking Black Dog by Led Zeppelin.

Don't do that around me. Don't do that around me though. That fucking, that bar is fun though. It's fun. No, I'm only goofing on it, but I just don't. It's not for me. I don't want that.

I like comedy when it's dingy. I like comedy in its rawest form. You know, the other day I came up with that video again. I watched it for two minutes. The Richard Pryor with the menu behind them in 1970s. That's that catch, right? Catch or one of the old improvs or something. Yeah, one of those.

Was it the improv? Something like that. Might have been the improv, right? Because Catch didn't have a menu behind a stage. Yeah, it was an improv. It was an improv. Catch had a mirror. And we've had Rocco Rabisi on the podcast,

and he said that Richard did not want to shoot that special. He was like, I'm a bomb. I don't know why I'm going down there. And they had to do the material on the way down. And it turned out to be a pretty good special. We had Red Man in here last week. And we were talking about something that I got to ask you about.

It's amazing when you look at the iTunes list now. Even if you look at Fucking Health, there's 1,000 podcasts. And for you, this started for us in a little hotel room when you would sit down after the shows and green rooms and tape. I'm like, what are you fucking guys doing? We're doing a podcast. Get the fuck.

Let's get the fuck. Let's go eat something. I used to get pissed. And this is where it's all gone. Can you believe this? And it didn't hit me. It didn't hit me about the Rogan podcast till we were doing Ari's thing last Tuesday.

Well, it went inside, and I saw Ari on stage. I go, this all goes back. This is all centralized back to that podcast. That little, you know, if you look at episode 8 of the JRE now, it's a fucking couch with three people sitting on the fucking couch. Eddie Bravo, me, you know. And look what it's become.

We're here. We've got Charles Branson on the wall, you know. What the fuck? How did this happen? Well, we figured out a way to do our own show. You know what I mean? We were trying to do it before. Remember, we tried to do that.

No more side-price show? By the way, they're still trying to get me to do it. What are you saying? I don't know. Last time we spoke, they had 14 episodes and three days. Joe called me. He's like, what do you think, dog? We'll do 14 episodes in three days.

We'll shoot them all at the same house. It's a different idea. Right, right, right. The way they want to do it now is going to be podcast style. Right, right, right. It's going to be like a subject, like whatever the subject is, whether it's ghosts or whatever, talk to an expert, have them in, show some videos, play some videos,

pause the videos, goof on it. I don't know if we'll wind up doing it. It's part of me doesn't want to do it. I really enjoy just doing things on the internet. I really enjoy working for the UFC, and I really enjoy doing stand-up. I don't want to do anything that I don't really enjoy and throw it in there just because we'll see.

At this point in the game, it's amazing when people call me for addition still sometimes. Yeah, you don't have to. I'm not going down there. I already see the deal. I already see the whole deal. I got to do this, and I'm going to do this, and this, and this, and this, to accomplish this goal.

You know what, for what? To put up with this, and to put up with that. I don't even like that no more. Yeah, I mean, it's also, you've already made so much progress, you know, like doing it your way. Like you figured out a way, and we all did, through doing these things on the internet. You figured out a way to be yourself.

You know, you figured out a way to just tap into whatever the fuck you are. And then also examine the way other people react to you, and it sort of makes you pump up your own game. Like it makes you better at podcasting. Like the criticisms that you get, or the suggestions that you get, or the guest suggestions,

like it's an interactive sort of relationship that you have with the people that like the show. Sometimes good, and sometimes bad. I mean, you're going to run into people that are just super negative. You're definitely going to run into people that are just mean, and bitchy, and complain about everything.

You're also going to run into people that have some good pieces of advice. Some people that goof on you because you say shit over and over again, you might not even realize, you use a certain word over and over again, and they clown you on it. And now you have to think about it. But that's good.

That's good, no. This has made me better all, because now I'm liable. When you go to Weight Watchers, what they teach you is you got to write everything down. Yeah. If I hit an apple, this podcast makes me responsible for my words now. Not when I yell, it's for obscenities,

racist comments, or fucking national. It makes you a better comic. But it's made me a better comic, but it's also made me a better person, because I've said, I got to walk the walk now. I can't come up here and say, well, I don't do this. Now I got to walk the walk now. Right, you can't just go on a Coke binge and not come in here

and record the podcast. Yeah. No, I couldn't do anything. No, no, I couldn't do anything. Well, you know, that's completely contrary to a lot of people's ideas about what a person who's clean can and can't do. So you taking those pills when you had your knee operation

and not worrying about it at all, that's like completely outside the realm of like any of those 12 step programs, they would say, don't ever fucking do that. You know, you don't have responsibility. I mean, you don't have the ability to say no to that stuff. That stuff is more powerful than you. Don't bring it into your life.

And you're like, I got this. I figured something out. There's a commercial now for a rehab that says if you, and they try, you know, 80% of people relapse, and instead of your relapse, they'll take you back and do it for free, you know? That's nice. All that shit is bullshit.

All that shit is bullshit. And for me, the beating and all that shit I never wanted to go back is just becoming a man. Your manhood should overcome that. And that's how I was raised. Your manhood overcomes all that shit. Just deciding not to be a little kid anymore. No, not to be a saboteur.

And I saw how my stepdad was and he was a killer. He killed people, he shot people, he did things. But he had this thing that he would talk to you and go, you're never doing that ever again. Because that's how I worked my system. You know what I'm saying? It was just very, and I got it. I got it at a young age.

I don't eat this. No, I just don't eat it. That's it. It's done. Like, that was it. And everything else. I don't want to ever shoot a Joey Karate video. They were fun to do, but I did what I did,

and now I moved on. I did cocaine. It was fun while I did it, but not one damn bad decision. People don't want to make a decision. People don't want to... I'm with you on everything with Joey Karate. You know? I was Joey Karate in the videos.

No, I know. Fucking tremendous. But what I'm saying is you just move on. It would look weird if I still put a gi on it. You should do Joey Jiu-Jitsu. And say Joey Jiu-Jitsu. I thought about it. I thought about it.

Joey Jiu-Jitsu's a good idea. But my Jiu-Jitsu's so bad. Doesn't matter. Joey Karate at least had a side kick. No. You know what I'm saying? At least I had a side kick. With Joey Jiu-Jitsu, what am I going to do?

I'm going to be in a car. No, no, no. You fucking grab a guy and you pull him into your guard. You start working a clock choke, but you lose it. The guy gets atop you. You fuck, I can't breathe. You tap out. Listen, do what I say, not what I do.

Trust me, cocksucker. I'm trying to give you a good technique over here. My grip is bad. I've been jerkin' off my right hand. I'm out of sorts. You can come up with a bunch of ways to make Jiu-Jitsu hilarious. I love it.

And it's funny because I get going and I'm grabbing your pants and I'm passing and all I have is a tackle pass. A tackle pass? That's all I got. Thank God for Dave Camarillo. He's like, look, I love you, you're a great guy. Don't curse at my gym. Don't say fuck.

There's a family environment. Do me a favor. Let's work on this tackle pass. You're gonna love this. Pull, put your shoulder on there. Godzilla can't get you off. It's a good pass. It's a great pass.

If you get past those legs. And then the guy from John Jock, they have a chubby guy, a black belt. He came to VMAC on a Sunday for the Open Man. He pulled me and said, come here. Let me teach you this. Nobody's gonna give you this, am I? Just do this, lay, span, and you got the guy.

And then I gotta get up once you're on top of him. But you gotta lose weight. John Jock will tell you, you're breathing, you're diaphragm. Jiu-Jitsu, everybody's looking to help you. Yeah. You know, and that's why I told John Evans here Sunday, you know, every webpage you go for Jiu-Jitsu, you're gonna lose weight.

You're gonna get self-confidence. Your agility's gonna be better. But nobody says, and you're gonna, this is the family you're looking for. Nobody says the camaraderie. Cause I didn't martial arts for 30 years. And it's a big difference when a man sweats on you. I've never had that.

I've had me hugging here and I'm sweaty. But when you go to me, Joe, get on fucking top of me. Joe, grab this collar. You see this? Take my hand and I'm dripping on you. And you're like, Joe, grab my collar. I'm like, this motherfucker either loves me or is a freak. Right, right.

You know? And no, he's teaching me Jiu-Jitsu. He's not worried about 300 pound bacon sweat coming from my head with gel into his eyeball. He's really not. That's love. That's love. When a 170 pound guy goes, Joey, do me a favor.

Put pressure on him. I'm like, Joey, get on your fucking tippy-tongue. He's down there going, okay. Today I went in and I go, can you do me a favor? Can you let me know? Cause I was scared to bend my knee to the Neon Belly. And I bent my left one first and he goes, don't be scared, you're fine.

You know? He goes, your Neon Belly, that's my left knee. It's not the right one. But people let you do things when they teach you. Yeah, yeah. And that's, for me, it was the family I was looking for. Anywhere I go in the country now, I got a family. I really got three office to roll.

I can go to Samurai, what's his name? In New York, not Marcello, not Helio. What's the other guy in New York? Samurai, Suzuki. There's a Brazilian that has like a Japanese something. Oh my God. Not Mario Yamasaki. No, no, no.

That's the fucking ref. This guy is the, he has tapes online too. Dracolino. Oh, Dracolino. Dracolino, I got an email. Samurai, Suzuki. Yeah, come on down. You know, I got my man, Danny Lyon,

is come on over, let me do your Pilati, your knee. Let me work this trip. Nobody's asking for money. Some guy in the Bronx said, Joey, please come up and train, I'll pick you up and take you up. A lot of that's from the podcast. That's, well, it's a podcast but it's also, but nobody calls me up and said,

let's do stand-up together. Everybody's offering to teach me Jiu-Jitsu, from a fat guy to come. Well, they're happy that you're doing it. Oh my God. But nobody was happy when I was doing weightlifting. Nobody called me up and go, come over and kick the pads. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Jiu-Jitsu has opened up, you know, I get offered. I have people come up to me and put cards in my hand. They go, dog, I'm here all weekend for you. I got an extra D, my brother weighs 400 pounds. I'll teach you two moves, you'll fucking kill people. That's amazing. Nobody tells me in comedy, come over to my comedy club, let me teach you two new jokes or how to write a joke.

Jiu-Jitsu's something very special, but it's not the moves, it's not the arm bar, it's not none of that. It's the people that are involved with it. I don't know what it's like. It's taking me by storm, man. That's awesome, because it's like a family. You know, when you walk into a gold gym

and you weigh 300 pounds, you're a little fucking embarrassed. Until somebody comes over and goes, come here, bro. You know, do your curls this way, let me teach you this. Or people come over, I went to a gay gym. I remember Kristy Miller. Kristy Miller loved me so much. She worked at the gold gym on coal. I used to work out there.

Yeah, and you go in there at night, they'll take you in the shower. I've all been about it. Oh my god. It was a tasty little morsel and a gay stew. Oh my god, and she gave me, she loved me so much. She goes, Joey, I'm quitting, but I'm gonna give you a year pass. And I would go there at night, and yeah,

there was some perverts that'd be looking at my ass like did the bicycle or something. There were other guys that came over and genuinely wanted to help. Yeah, they would look at you, but no one was disrespectful. No, no, no, no. Like they would come over and go,

listen, it's not by me, but I saw you on the treadmill and I saw you with coffee. I've been watching you, okay? So I'm gonna watch you the rest of the night, make sure you don't pass out. That's a great feeling. When you go to jujitsu and you walk in there and people are like, I'm gonna put Joey with Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan doesn't say, no, he's too heavy. That motherfucker goes, come on. And he picks me up. Hasan today, little fucking guy from 10 Planet goes over there. And I said, Jenny, come on, let's do this. He goes, don't do it. The guy weighs about 40. And I was saying, he's going to some competition there.

Oh, he's over 40? So he's doing something to grace you. I don't know what it is. The guy had me on top of him because I just want to try something with a heavier guy. Hasan, I can't do that to you. Just do this to you. Whatever they do, I never had that nowhere else.

I went to karate since I was a kid. Nobody's let me do these things. Nobody's laughed at you. Well, you know the differences? One of the big ones is in karate, you don't want anybody hitting you. People hit each other. You hurt each other.

There was a camaraderie that we had in martial arts, but it was always still a little weird because you would spar. When you'd spar, you'd hurt each other. And Jiu-Jitsu, you spar and you could be real good friends. You could go full blast. And the better you get, actually the safer it is to go full blast.

Because I know that there's certain guys, they'll get you in something and you could tap and they have full control. You're not going to get hurt. It's almost like the guys who aren't as good are more dangerous because they're going to try to yank on something and they could wind up injuring you. So when you get guys who you become real competitive with

and you get that camaraderie, it's actually better. And you're super, super competitive with each other, but always super supportive and really friendly. Because you can be, you want a guy to like you. You want to like each other and you can still go full blast. Like I have real good friends, tap me. It's not a bad thing at all. It's not a bad thing.

Like Giggle, I love it, I love it. It is what it is. Like Eddie's tapped me every time we've rolled. I mean, maybe one or two times I've ever rolled with him and just stalemated him, like kept him off me. Like being just 100% defensive. Most of the time he catches me two or three times every time we roll.

But we're best friends, a million guys from that gym. It's the same story. Like Denny, Denny's caught me before. And he's the greatest guy ever. He just won, yeah. He's had a lot of neck problems. He's had some neck problems lately. When I went up there, we worked on the breath of fire.

He's a bad motherfucker. You're a bro, can the breath of fire cocksucker? I don't know what that is. Well, we'll do it, do it tomorrow. Joe Rogan, I love you. I love you too, brother. 11 o'clock, we're gonna get the fuck down. It was fun to do this, man.

Yeah, yeah, no. Thank you for coming. It was a pleasure. The candle burned down. Once the candle burns out. It's time to go. No, jeez, that was a real fart. That sounded like you threw a fucking M80

into a bucket of water. Ah! It's the church of what's happening now. I'm in Gotham Comedy Club, Friday and Saturday, midnight show, motherfuckers. Tickets are still available. I'm also at the Long Beach Laugh Factory on the 8th with Duncan Trussell and Red Band and Lee Syat

and a bunch of killers. Joe Rogan, I love you. I love you too, brother. Thank you for all the love you give me on your podcast and all the laughs and shit today. My wife found the Tom Segura Joe Rogan thing. She came out fucking howling. I love you, cock sucker.

Stay black. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machines and start snacking smarter with healthy delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash joey.

That's naturebox.com slash joey. Also, go get the underwear that Joey was wearing tonight during that fart. Go to meetundies.com and they have underwear for men and women. So if you go to meetundies.com slash joey, you're gonna get 20% off your order and right now they have free shipping

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Use code word joey'schurch to get 20% off and right now go to joeydias.net and click on the hitesigs banner and you could win a chance to get two tickets to Joey's shows this weekend and go add Gotham Comic Club in New York. This show is out in Washington, Texas. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Each car looks the same All the same And no one knows the gypsy's name And no one here is lonely inside There are no blankets where he lies In the dark and deepest dreams the gypsy's laugh With sweet malice Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Again the morning's come Again he's on the run The sunbeams shining through his hair I dare not to have a tear Or take off your beard until she roars Roars Crossroads Will you ever let him go?

Roars Or will you hide the dead man's ghost? Or will he lie beneath the cliff? Or will his spirit fall away? But I know he won't stay without Melissa But I know he won't stay without Melissa No Melissa

Melissa