Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #216 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, November 28th…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Heart & Soil, Manscaped & Better Help…   MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code JOEY for 20% off + free shipping on your first order.   HEART & SOIL Go to https://heartandsoil.co/?utm_source=Podcast&utm_medium=linkinbio&utm_campaign=Diaz & use code JOEY10 for 10% off your first order.    BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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I ain't got time to dilly-dally. I ain't got time to dilly-dally. I ain't got time to dilly-dally. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 28th. We did it. Thanksgiving is fucking over. And now we got the longest hurdle of the motherfucking year to six weeks of waiting.

Not even six fucking weeks. We're at less than a fucking month for Christmas, guys. So I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's upon us, Jack. It was a great week last week. I had a great holiday. The fucking Sunday last week, I tested positive for COVID.

Like, I was telling Mike, you know, I had fucking COVID. I had COVID in June. I had fucking a flu. I pulled my fucking thigh muscle. I mean, the hits didn't stop. So when I started feeling weird less, I started feeling it like Friday night. Like, something wasn't right.

Like, I had to take little fucking... It was like having club soda and you're like, you know, like, what the fuck? And then Saturday, who the fuck knows? Then Sunday, we did the podcast. We were sitting around and my wife touched me and she goes, you're warm. And I go, nah, it's hot blood. I don't fucking know.

I didn't feel good anyway. We took the test. I came up positive. And the first thing I think about was, fuck, I got to cancel Parks Casino. And I'm like, that's the last thing I want to do right now. Especially if you're not fucking dying. And listen, if you're dying from COVID, you're on your stomach. You're on Facebook saying goodbye to your relatives.

Remember that shit dying on Facebook? Remember that? For fucking... Nobody fucking released their Facebook footage of Grandma kicking the fuck. They should have just done a documentary. I've been waiting for the documentary of the Facebook fucking deaths. But now, if I was to that point, I understand, I got to think about for years, I've been taking around the people around me whenever we talk about COVID, right?

Because everybody tells you, you only get somebody's grandfather sick or grandmother. So you're like, okay. So you always try to be a good fucking American. And you're like, you know, I'll stay home and mind my business. But after 72 hours, you can't spread it no more. If I started to feel it on fucking Friday or Saturday, that means like my Monday, Tuesday, you're good. You know, I'm no fucking authority on this.

Fauci's dead and I don't have a leg in this. Fauci's retired. That's fucking crazy. But all I know is that I just held out. I kept drinking juice. We didn't do a second podcast. I didn't want to get Mike sick. I didn't want to do anything else.

The only thing I had on my mind was that fucking set Wednesday night at Park Casino. That was it. It was too late to go back. If I would have tested positive on Tuesday and felt shitty on Wednesday. Yeah. Because then you got people in the green room with you. You got people working at the casino. But I was like, fuck it.

I'm just going to sit here to my ass grows roots. I watched a couple of movies. I read half a fucking book. I've been dying to read. And it was tip top fucking McGowan. I'm happy I did it because Park Casino. Let me tell you something. Park Casino is definitely one of my favorite.

I like the South Point. See, guys, I don't want to be jumping up and down. I don't need a pool with herpes in it at the end with a thousand people in your pool, breathing on each other. I don't need any. I don't need to see DJ Fire. I don't need to see any of that shit. And I've never had all those hotels when I go to Vegas with Joe Rogan for fucking the UFC and shit.

We always got those off color hotels. Nobody knows nothing. I want to I want to smell debt. I want old people around me. I don't want to hear fucking Vegas stupidity. So I'm not into those hotels. So when I think of a hotel like a casino, oh my God, the fucking South Point 730 show. You're in your room by nine.

We're at the fucking seafood bar, eating fucking open turkey sandwiches with mashed potatoes and shrimp cocktails. I almost choked on the fucking shrimp at the South Point. If it wasn't for my brother, John Salami, we wouldn't be here right now. He inflicted the fucking hemlic maneuver with a fucking real naked choke combination. The fucking shrimp went flying out of me. So I love South Point. I love Harris and San Diego. Holy shit.

That's a nice casino. But I got to tell you something, man, I fucking love hanging out at Park Casino. That's my third time there. It's beautiful. It's easy. I met Lee at the hotel. This motherfucker went all over Philadelphia and got food with an Uber. Pieces and fucking cookies and cannolis and lobster tails.

I mean, the guy was on fucking fire. He ate a 200 milligram edible on stage. ABX has been a long time. He was high till Friday. He ate it Wednesday night and he was high till Friday. He thought he was going to sleep the eight hours in the train back to Boston. He went to puts. He was wide awake.

Let me tell you something. Those ABX edibles with the fucking oxygen in them. They will take you for a fucking ride still. Every time you think you got it, like, I'm like, yeah, I'm not. I'm like, you know what? I think Thanksgiving. I popped five of them because I had eaten four like a week ago. Holy shit.

I ate five of those ABX edibles on Thanksgiving. I didn't do much on Thanksgiving either. I had COVID. So everybody knew it. I didn't. I couldn't go anywhere. Everybody brings their grandparents over, whatever. So my neighbors were like, listen, everybody that's coming over here had COVID last month.

I don't know why. Like six people over there. So I went over there to Puma's house. It was a fucking great Thanksgiving. They made a smoked turkey and a regular turkey. Good googly moogly. That's the first time I had it. I was dying to have a, give me a couple of slices so I could melt like some fucking Italian bread with some googly cheese on a nice turkey.

Something different. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even make a turkey sandwich. I just had turkey again today. It was fucking delicious. Little white meat turkey with some stovetop stuffing and shit, AKA prison days. A little mashed potatoes, some cranberry sauce. You're off and running Jack.

I don't know if cranberry sauce was expensive or not. I love that shit. I could eat that shit by the tub. But after the Puma's, I came over here. I took a tremendous turkey shit and then I inhaled a thousand milligrams of ABX's. I did two or three bong hits of fucking. I did a couple of bong hits of this new RS2 from laughing gas. And by the time the bong hit juice wore off, the edibles kicked in.

And I got to tell you something, guys. It was the best fucking Thanksgiving ever, ever. It was nice. It was quiet. The whole fucking two days was nice. Parks Casino, my set in Parks Casino was possibly the best set I've had since I got back into comedy. I don't know what it was. I started looking at my notebook like three weeks beforehand.

Just every day making little adjustments. There was a couple new things. There was a couple old things I revamped and I just put them together. Everybody had a great time. Eleanor came up. Jimmy came up. Lee came up. Lee did the 200 milligram edible.

We got some food down there. You know, something light. And I was home. It's a 42 minute drive to fucking Parks Casino for me. Holy shit. Everybody kept calling me going, you better leave for Parks early. There's going to be massive traffic. Oh my God.

Two million people will be driving to destinations this weekend. Well, I didn't see none of those motherfuckers because it took me an hour for to get down there. That is, I don't even understand it. I went down in nine. I hooked a ride on the 33. It took me to the Jersey Turnpike. I swear to God. I was in the Jersey Turnpike 20 minutes and like, all right, welcome to Philadelphia.

I'm like, welcome to Philadelphia. All right. And next thing you know, I saw a sign for Parks Casino. I'm like, come on. I called my, I looked at, yeah, I looked at the thing on the wave and it said 20 minutes. You're going to be there in 20 fucking minutes, like 242. It was 220. I'm like, okay.

Then I saw Parks Casino sign. I'm like, that's fucking easy. I called my wife. I'm already here. She's like, are you fucking crazy? Guys, listen. And I read somewhere that I don't know if I read or I was at the gym on the bike Friday. Yes, Saturday.

Saturday was the gym at the bike and they showed a video of some fucking people getting stabbed in the back seat at fucking the hard rock. I think fucking three people got stabbed Thanksgiving night. Three people either Thanksgiving night or Wednesday night. So I'm like, you know what? We went to fucking parks, which is supposed to be Philadelphia. And it's supposed to be fucking, you know, murder incorporated. People going to be yelling at you.

They were as gentlemanly as they could fucking be. They were a well fucking behaved audience. Everybody I saw in the hallways was fucking great. Joey, what's up? Uncle Joey, happy Thanksgiving. It was fucking no drama. It was tremendous. The food.

Guys, I can't tell you this shit leap brought into the green room. This motherfucker brought three pies, two tomato pies from Anna Ionesi's fucking great guy. He gave me his mother's sweatshirt. He brought two pies, a ricotta pie, a tomato pie, which I don't like a fucking pie with no cheese on it, but you got to taste these fucking pies. And he had lobster tails back there. It was great to see Eleanor the fucking the whole bang up of the night was there was interpreters that because there was a deaf dude in the audience. One deaf dude, three interpreters tremendous. So we get there and I don't want to be a dick.

They're like, you can either sit with the interpreters, you can sit in your own green room. I go, no, let's sit with the interpreters. So they hear my patois, they, you know, they can hear what the fuck I got to say. I thought it. Think about when was the last time I did comedy with a fucking interpreter in the stage. And I was like, I don't know. That's going to be rough. I was like, this might be rough.

I was, I asked the three of them, like, what are you guys doing? They're like, nothing. I guess you guys want to smoke a number and they're like, we thought you'd never ask. So here we are five to eight outside smoking a number with the three interpreters fucking leaves out there. We're giggling. It was fucking beautiful weather, you know, for November fucking 23rd, it was fucking tremendous. And that was it. The show went fucking smooth.

I want to thank everybody at fucking parks. And that was it. We got two more shows left in the city. And then we decide what the fuck we're going to do. But I got to tell you, man, I came home like I was telling you, Thanksgiving was kind of quiet before this. Hold on one second. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor. The episode of the joint is sponsored by better health.

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Anyway, sorry about the fucking COVID call from draining right now. But the thing about the edibles on Thanksgiving was I had like a, you know, guys, I think my favorite fucking part of life. And I tell you this with all enthusiasm. My favorite part of life is the ability we have to always learn. Right? We have an ability to learn about life. You can learn how to put a light bulb in. You can learn how to play the guitar.

You can learn how to paint a picture at any fucking age. But I think the most, the best thing about your life is you get to know yourself. You get to learn something about yourself. Nothing fucking gets me riled up more than you get like a moment and you go, wow, what a fuck have I been for 60 fucking years? Have I been in a goddamn closet? I mean, how did I not see this? And we all do this. And you're going to do this from the age of 20 to the time you're fucking 90.

You're going to learn something new about yourself and emotion. The reason why you eat, the reason why you don't eat, you know, you just learn little things. Some of it is disturbing and some of it is just a part of growing up. You know, I found a lot of things about myself that were very fucking disturbing and you put them into perspective one way or another. You know, when Mr. Blue told me that fucking if he, if he had something that I wanted that he would just give it to me because I take it, that fucking crushed my soul when I was 26 years old that I was just going to end up a fucking miserable thief. After I thought about it and I talked to him and he's like, no, you didn't understand what I said. If I, if there's something that you want, you could fucking do it.

That's what I was saying to you. And I was like, okay, but still it bothered me. It was something that I discovered about myself that was life changing. Like you're like, holy shit, I learned something that important about myself. But the night we came back and I think we watched. I don't know. We watched something, some garden of the galaxy is some shit that was on and now they got a new one on Disney. I don't fucking know.

And my wife went upstairs, Mercy went upstairs and I was downstairs. Sometimes I just draw on the news and I fucking just bent on a piece of paper, right? That's what that paper is for. They cut trees every day for it. Meanwhile, you got 10 notebooks. You don't write shit in them. So I try to fucking journal as much as I can till the end of the night. And I wasn't journaling about anything in particular.

Maybe Thanksgiving, how I felt, what happened at the fucking parks casino, nothing particular. And it fucking hit me. I was like, wow. Because we're so focused on what we don't have. And trust me, I'll tell you that I'm not focused. I'm what I don't have. But I focus on little things like that. And it's negative behavior.

I don't go, whoa, I wish I had a Testerosa or a Lamborghini. No, no, no, that's not what I mean. You know, I think about, I wish I would have gotten one of the two movies. I wish that would have worked out. You know, you think about like, you know, I wish I was a little younger. Sometimes I had five extra years to run. I wish I was 55 maybe to maybe go for it all over again. You know, like go from theaters to bigger venues.

I don't fucking know, you know. But I tell you, we focus so much. And this is part of therapy. This is part of everything. One thing I do wrong that I got to stop, but I'll never do wrong as shit on myself. You know, in front of you guys, I'll tell you my weaknesses or whatever. And at the end of the day, they're really not even weaknesses. Maybe you're having a bad day or something.

But the other day I was sitting there and I'm like, wow, I'm Thanksgiving. The edibles hit me a little bit. I'm hearing shit. I sometimes I hear the cat meowing upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck was that? You know, I got my own issues, guys. And we always think about like what we have or what we don't get or what we don't have, you know. And again, I don't sit here going, I wish I would have got that.

It's just sometimes you get bummed out that, man, I wish I would have got three days in that De Niro movie. Man, I wish I would have got that Law and Order episode. Man, I wish, you know. But, uh, the other night I was thinking about how as a comedian for the last 30 fucking years, I've looked at my accomplishments. I never really looked at the personal accomplishments. I always looked at the accomplishments that I had to do with what I was doing for a job. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, like your creative accomplishments. Like, you know, if it was you, if it was a regular civilian, like a nice civilian, you would be focused on like your job. You're number one in the sales area. You've been number one for four years. You know, before that, you were at a different place and you guys were number one for 11 years. You led the sales team. You really focus on that. And you really, and then listen, we all do, right?

Like when you talk to people, what's going on with you, Pete? I broke the record this month. I sold the most toilet bowls. You know, whatever the fuck, you know, I sold the most cars. I sold the most scooters. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, you know, but we always rest our laurels on that.

We all, and I, guys, you know, Joey, what's going on? Nothing. I became a feature act. I'm doing 25 now instead of 20, you know, nothing else is going on with you now. That's it. Everything's good. Okay. You know, I'm still doing coke.

You know, what's going on? Joey, I got a girlfriend and I'm still featuring now. I'm featuring a clubs. You know, you always talk about that stuff. Right. You know, this is like, you don't talk about like dog. I got three fucking bees and an a. Okay.

What are you excited about that for? Because for the last two years, I've been a fucking idiot. I've been living off of fucking abs and D's. So these personal accomplishments, you never really look at because we're focused on like either monetary accomplishments or career accomplishments or creative accomplishments. And that's fucking great. But think about it. Like if, if Mike was in the food fighters and Mike just wrote an album, right?

They just finished. They just got out of the studio. The album is going to get released December 21st. Just to test you motherfuckers. Cause you know, let's say Mike was going to have a kid on the 15th. When I saw Mike on the 23rd, what do you think Mike would say to me first? He would tell me on the success of his album or that his child was born. Me first time?

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, trust me, what I'm saying is to you, like, you're not going to come up to me and say, Hey, I just lifted, you know, I added 25 more pounds on my bench press. Who would look, who would listen to you? Right? People go, all right, whatever. Hey, guess what? I just got a stripe on my white belt.

People will look at you and go, Hey, who gives a fuck? You know, I just got a stripe on my fucking blue belt. Who cares? But if you go up to something right in our mind, we don't think anybody wants to know about that shit. We just tell them about, you could, you could go to a fucking physical and the doctor will sit you down and go, listen, if I had five minutes, I call the museum of science and tell them I got the perfect specimen.

You just came in here. Your blood pressure is perfect. Your PCA is perfect. Your asshole diameter is perfect. Your heart is perfect. Your lungs are perfect. You know, everything's perfect. I'm going to fucking call over there.

If you walked out of there, you still wouldn't say that to me. You would still say, you know, I fucking bartended the other night and I made $1500 on the shift. You wouldn't even look at that as a fucking accomplishment that with all these fat fucks walking around and people with diabetic feet going to Jackie games and shit and fucking with all this shit, you wouldn't take that as a compliment. That's what I'm fucking talking about. That we don't, I've never looked at like, you know what, after fucking like, seriously, like the other night I thought about the 15 years I was all fucking powder.

Ooh, having fought on a podcast in a long time. Things are getting back to normal motherfuckers. But I was thinking about that, like, did it take hard work? Was it as hard as fucking me getting to be a regular at the store? I don't know. I don't remember, but I tell you, it's worth something. And yeah, Joey, knock it off with that. You did coke for 30 years.

You didn't quit. You just got tired. That too, whatever it took. And it's the truth. You get tired of running. No matter what, I mean, it's tough to be 50 and still chase a fucking bag every day. Tough to be 50 and go, wow, I'm $3 away from getting a 20 sec. And I'm two more dollars from buying a crack pipe.

I mean, it's tough to fucking say that unless things have definitely not gone your way and you've completely given up on yourself. It's really fucking hard to say that. But that night, you know, Thanksgiving night when I fucking dwelled on. The thing I never wanted to do again. Nevermind comedy, nevermind coke, nevermind all this stupid shit I focus on. I'm gonna tell you what I didn't fucking focus on on Thursday night. And it hit me like a bag of fucking bricks.

How much of a long way I've come. My anniversary. That is the first time my anniversary ever fucking dawned on me in my life. Ever. 13 years of an anniversary to this woman who's fucking taking me from fucking a zero to a fucking retard now. And, you know, I mean, especially where I came from. You know, when I tell people this constantly and I'll tell you guys, man, either marriage works or it doesn't. You could make it work or you can move the fuck on.

I think that sometimes over the last 20, 30 years, I mean, I've been separated for 31 years now. And I think that a lot of us as Americans gave up on our relationships way too fucking easy. When I got separated in 91, listen, in my heart, the marriage was done and I know it was done. It would have been horrible if we were to stay together. It would have been horrible, horrible. And guess what people do for the sake of the kids or the sake of convenience or the sake to not to go through that. We just become very fucking, you know, fuck it. We'll just put up with it until somebody gets hit by a truck or whatever the fuck you expect to happen.

You know, I mean, you know, whatever. And I mean, the marriage was over. You know, she came to me three months later, like in December, January of 91 or some shit, 92. She came to me and said, Hey, you're doing this. I'm doing that. Let's talk tomorrow and let's try to get the relationship back. I went out that night and got blasted and fell asleep at the girl. I was Dayton's house and I don't know if she made it there that day or not. I just wrote it off as, you know, if the universe wants us back together, we'll get back together.

I was young. I was very stupid and I never even thought of calling her up and going, Hey, we should go talk to her priest. Hey, we should go do this. And then the relationship just went off the fucking deep end and now it's over. When that happened to me, I'll never forget I made a fucking solemn promise because I didn't know. I didn't know what I had done. I didn't know the levels that you fuck up when you pull a marriage apart. Sometimes you really don't know. And for me, I pulled it apart and I threw, you know, I did what I usually do.

I went out and started drinking and smoking coke. I threw drugs on it and I never really focused on what I needed to do, which sucked. But hey, we live and we learn. But because I was such a fucking maggot, I said to myself, well, the blame wasn't on me. I'll never, ever, ever get married again. The blame was not on me. I made some excuses how it just didn't work out. It was never going to work out.

How can I be married if I was, if I didn't have a mother? I haven't listened to anybody in 20 years tell me what to do. Just stupid shit, you know. And from 90, it took 10 years to meet the right woman, you know, who was right for me. And when I met my wife, if you like, I could get around here one day to tell you the breaks I put on. Because I wanted to have a girlfriend, but I did not want to have a wife. And I did not want to even sell the concept of wife. I would have been very happy with fucking just having a girlfriend.

Why get married? You fail at it. Why, why, why would I get married again? It's like fucking getting on a horse and the horse bucks you and you fucking fly 30 feet in the air and you break your fucking neck. Are you going to get in the horse again? 50% of people do. But my 50% won't. I just won't.

It just didn't work out for me, whatever. For years is my relationship strengthened with my wife today. I just fucking, you know, said, this is great. This is great. I was a gentleman. I tried my best not to disrespect her, but marriage was never in my fucking cards. It was, it just was not going to fucking happen. And, you know, that was how I, that was my stand in like 2002, 2003 that this girl is great.

I could see me spending my life with her. A, I can't have kids. B, I don't want to fuck another kid for it. So I take it away. And C, never mind kids. I'm not fucking getting married ever again. And then 2008, after I took the blinders off from cocaine and I saw what the fuck was at stake. I thought about it.

I thought about it. I thought about it. I went to see a friend of mine. We spoke about marriage. And that afternoon I just called my wife and I go, listen, we're getting fucking married because I started thinking about her. What worked for me and what didn't work for me didn't really matter anymore. This girl put so much time into me that I had a, at least, you know, listen, what's that old expression? I gotta, I gotta make a decent, whatever the fuck people always, I gotta make a decent woman out of her and they gotta make a decent man out of me.

It was time for me to make a decent woman out of her. She had earned it. And against my own fucking beliefs, I was like, you know, typical Joey fucking, I go get married. I know she's going to get rid of me in five fucking years, but she realized what a loser I am. But I gotta be honest with you, it was the opposite effect. The, the, once I got married, like my life, if you thought my life changed those two years without the drugs, once I got fucking married, my life really took off. Because it was like I was putting, uh, not a responsibility. Yeah, kind of like an extra responsibility on me that I didn't have when I was 20.

I didn't look at it as a responsibility. I looked at it as a fucking nuisance. You know, when, when I was married, when I was 20, she had her own account. I had my own account. At the end of the month, we'd make a list of fucking bills and we'd write a check to each other. That's great. And people do it all the time and it works for them. You know what?

For it to get into my psyche that we were a team, I just said, yeah, put the bills together. For a long time, I haven't counted. As a matter of fact, today I have my own account and she's got her own account, but we have a family account. And we've had that since like three weeks after we got married. Contrary to my selfish and stupid beliefs, it sets you up for the mental of it. We're a team. We're family. We're a team.

What's she going to take $3 from me? That's what we're worried about, that somebody's going to take our money, right? You know how many people pulled me aside and said, you should get a prenuptial? Why? I got nothing. And if I do have something, it's because she made it possible. You know, when we showed up, when we met together, we didn't have dick between the both of us. And when we got married, we didn't have dick.

We had a lot more than what we had when we met. And we had a lot more than what we had two years prior because there was no more $40, $50 a day for cocaine. So yeah, that little fucking psyche we did to put our accounts together and just to dip money in there. I would put my SAG checks in my account. Everything else was going to the house account. So those $15, $3 checks, nobody wants those anyway. I would put those in my account and without doing coke, guess what? They had to fuck up.

So it was perfect. But I look at my wife Thursday at Thanksgiving and I'm like, never mind the eight years or nine years we were together. Now we're together, 13 years bonded by marriage. It's been a complete different fucking experience. And I was sitting there that night. I know I was high and I know that, you know, whatever happened on Thanksgiving, you're floating on fuck and whatever. But still, I never looked at that accomplishment. I never looked at it.

You know, my friend told me that his mother and father have been together for 63 years. 63 years. That's longer than Batman and Robin. That's longer than Batman and Robin, you know, and because of my age and whatever. I'll never be with my wife for 63 fucking years, but you think about that. That's a long time to be with somebody. Your souls are definitely fucking connected. If one of those guys dies, the other one will be dead within a month.

Maybe two, maybe three months because they can't breathe without one another. I'm not at that point with my wife yet. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is the little things we don't look at. You know, you're too busy. Oh, I sold out the Chicago theater. Oh, we sold out parks. But you know what?

My kid is healthy. My kid is healthy. She's smart. She's goofy. You know, she's not living a fucking life like I was living. My wife is happy. She's got a little part-time gig now. She's happy.

We overlook those fucking things all the time because we're looking for the bigger payout, like the bigger payoff. And you know what? If you're always looking for the bigger payoff, it's never going to fucking come. Focus on these little fucking payoffs. And when I meet my payoffs, I don't mean nobody giving you money. I mean life's payoffs. The universe gives you fucking payoffs.

And trust me, I was the first guy I raised my hand. I never even saw those fucking universal payoffs because you're too busy. You're too busy with your fucking head up your ass, waiting for the fucking, you know, the Reader's Digest fucking $1.2 million dollar lotto check. When you don't win it, you get disappointed. No, fuck no. It's about the little things. And I've always said this for years that little commitments become fucking big commitments.

It depends on how much time you got. You're going to get there. The success is definitely going to come. The odds are in your favor. But how much do you have? Are you willing to fucking hang in there? Who the fuck knows? Do you think I fucking thought I would hang with comedy for 10 years being broken?

Who the fuck knows? I had nothing else. But I knew that nothing happens in the couch. And I knew that the more I fucking showed up there, the more I fucking showed up there every week, I was getting fucking stronger. It's like my man in Apocalypse Now says, you know, I'm over here in a room getting fucking weaker and Charlie's out there in the bush getting fucking stronger. You know, that, that, hey, listen, guys, that's, that's fucking as easy as can be.

And it's fucking real. If you're not out there fucking grinding for whatever you believe in, for me, it was, I wanted the marriage to work. I just want, I did not want to be a double divorcee guy. I did not want to be walking around talking about how my ex is a fucking witch and it doesn't work out and don't get married. So I try a little extra, even with the road and distractions and all the bullshit that comes with it. I focused on it and I never, ever looked at how good I felt about it.

How good I felt that we're both together for my daughter. I mean, listen, guys, anything could fucking happen any given day. My wife could wake up one day and go, you know what, Joey? I get sick and tired of sniffing your fucking tongue guy, fungi toenail. It's time to go back to Tennessee and I'll accept it because I know I gave it a fucking Yankee try. I fucking stuck it out till the end. You know, I didn't just quit when fuck, you know, you ever talked to like your grandparents? What do you think?

They didn't have fucking the issues people have today. They didn't have money problems and shit. They just didn't quit. Their relationship got fucking stronger. You know, I read about all the divorces during COVID. I don't know if we could get the church tape on this. I said it like the fucking month after the pandemic shut us down. I was sitting in my office, scared, you know, doing something on Facebook.

I shouldn't have been doing a Twitter or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, my wife is out there by herself. You know, I got two choices during this pandemic. I could either weaken our marriage or I could sit back here like a jerk off and social media and write stupid jokes. What are you writing jokes for? You're not going nowhere to crack them unless you got a Zoom show at eight fucking o'clock, you know, which I didn't want to fucking do a Zoom show. So I said, let me go sit next to my wife. And you know what?

We became stronger during the pandemic. I mean, it was our relationship instead of getting weaker. I mean, listen, when you're married, I could bullshit you and tell you that there's days you wake up. You want to stab your wife in the eye with a pencil. Don't get me wrong. Okay. Michael tell you anybody who's married will tell you there's some days you wake up and you're like, but 100% of the time I love it. So what this taught me is after Thanksgiving last week, it was like a sort of a fucking Thanksgiving.

Remember like they sold Thanksgiving in the beginning? You're supposed to sit with your family and be thankful for all the good things that happened this year. For me, it was a realization that fucking good things have been happening all along. I just never looked at them. And if I didn't look at them, I'm sure a lot of other people are living the same life as I am. You know, you're focused on the little things. My girlfriend blew me, you know, she put a firecracker up my head, but you're not focusing on the fuck. I really did that work.

Like I got a weird respect for fucking doctors, lawyers, you know, why? Because it's a seven year education. Seven fucking year education. What would be we bail out at the two year we go like fuck this five more years of this shit seven fucking years. I admire that. That's why now I wish I didn't have the fucking families because I would go back to school get because I know it could be done. And I tell people this all the time. You're not going to, you know, when I say to you, listen, you could do this going to take you four years, four years.

Come on, man, just just do it. Put your head down, wake up, smile, you know, give a fucking whatever to yourself for being alive, giving you another day to be alive and go through the grind again. People are going to yell at you. People are going to call you loser. You're doing this wrong. Mike, you didn't measure it right. You giggle because, you know, in four years, you won't even see this motherfucker no more. In four years, you're not even going to talk to this fat fuck anymore.

You're going to be out there running your fucking game. So it's just so weird of the things we're not thankful for. We're not thankful for. We're thankful for the bigger things. I took a selfie with Queen Latifa. You know, who gives a fuck if that's what your fucking day is consistent of? That's what you're going to get in your life is that type of shit. But if you're going to go fuck today, I ran an extra fucking eight minutes.

People don't look at that as an accomplishment. Like, you know, and they don't even mention it to nobody. They'll rather go, you know, I picked up 11 more Instagram friends. You know, no, you didn't look at the little things in your life. That's why you're not taking, you're not taking the right inventory of your life. Listen, guys, I love what I'm doing now. It's simple. It's easy.

I did the heavy lifting and now I'm here to just do a podcast twice so we can help you guys out. If I could do some fucking comedy from time to time, I fucking love it. This is the pace I wanted. I'm not wasting nobody's time anymore. If you want in your hand, if you don't take a fucking hike, we're fucking six weeks away. Right? Not even. We're fucking 32 days away from fucking Christmas.

We did it again. This is what my 10th year celebrating Christmas on the fucking Internet and shit like this. What? But we're here. This is the time of the year that, listen, this is the time of the year not to have a fucking stress out. You're not going to play catch up. It's like when people want to lose weight, they're like, I only lost three pounds. Well, you're 150 pounds overweight.

That didn't take fucking three days. So sit, relax, put it in. If you're behind the eight ball this year already, who gives a fuck? Don't stress it because you're not going to play catch a ball right now. If you're not behind the fucking eight ball and you had a fantastic year, look at you. Look at you fucking just laying this accomplishment and go, I fucking did it. And guess what? 2023 is going to be better.

I feel optimistic about 2023. I feel the book is coming out. Oh, give me some different options to explore. Yeah, I don't know where the fuck standup comedy is going, but I know I'm feeling better than I ever have. I'm getting old. I'm an old Billy goat and I'm looking forward to these fucking next couple of years. So if you got anything from the morning, Monday morning podcast today is be excited about your fucking accomplishments. You're not looking at career accomplishments.

You're looking at personal accomplishments. You know what? You lifted 10 more pounds on a bench press. Tell everybody. Tell everybody. Guess what? What? I lifted 10 more fucking pounds on my bench press.

People are looking. That's great for you. Fuck you. This is how we celebrate the little fucking things guys that we always overlook. And then we go fucking haven't done anything this year. Trust me, you've done enough. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Don't forget it's Monday motherfuckers.

You need your weed for the week stoner club.com pressing Uncle Joey and we're going to give you a 10% fucking discount. Listen, those edibles are tremendous. The 15 milligram ones don't get fucking confused with those things. They got the punch edibles. They had some fucking Joe Otto some what did they have that was really fucking some weed two weeks ago a week ago. I forget what the fuck it was. Gorilla glue. It's a hybrid.

If you go to stoner club and you see gorilla glue hybrid, they probably have it on sale now because they've had it for two weeks. Fucking get some of that shit. That should have put you in a different dimension. And that's it. You got stoner club.com code Uncle Joey 10% off and I think today they still got 25% off on everything for Black Friday. So tell them Uncle Joey sent you. I love your cock suckers. Have a great week.

Stay black and I'll see you another day this week. We haven't decided. Are you bad motherfuckers? I want to thank you. Don't forget. Love what you're fucking doing right now every day. The joint is brought to you by better help. If life came with a user manual, things wouldn't be.

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That's 20% off and free shipping with the code JOY at Mandscape.com. I want to thank Mandscape. I want to thank BetterHelp. And I want to thank HeartandSoil, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Thank you very much for having my back. And I'll see you guys again later this week. Stay Black. Uncle Joey loves you, cock-duckers.

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