Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #217 - Joey Diaz, Heather McDonald and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 30, 2014

Comedian Heather McDonald joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Intro The Grove - Madonna I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Young And Beautifuk -Lana Del Rey Recorded on 09/29/2014

This show is sponsored by Hulu plus guys Hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of it shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet Everyone knows I've been working out I bring Hulu plus to with me to the gym on my iPad at streams and all those devices support this podcast and get an Extended free trial of Hulu plus when you go to Hulu plus comm slash Joey That's Hulu plus comm slash Joey this show is also sponsored by dollar shave club comm get high quality razor century door every month For a fraction of what you pay retail my girlfriend loves them. She uses them now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church He let you shave her asshole. What's he say? Well, not her asshole. I think she says she sees her legs I'm not gonna talk about my girlfriend's a monkey live on there, but that's alright

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They have e-cigs and e-cigars for you again the codeword is joey's church and you get 20% off There you go Oh shit kick this motherfucker. What what Monday night September 29th The day the devil was buried at sea come on come on come on. Oh shit Get into the room boy. You've got to prove your love to me Yeah Get up on your feet. Yeah step to the feet. What I tell you motherfuckers Monday night gotta get to know you In the special way. Oh shit. We're off course this shit the church is what's happening now you bad motherfuckers

I What the fuck happened tonight hella You grew up on Madonna also love the reason why I put Madonna on tonight. This was the last big hit That I rocked out to New York City before I left in 85 and who do I bump into in New York City last weekend? My beautiful goomba to each Heather Mcdonald Good one each. What's up? What the fuck you been? What's with the questions? Half-fucking Jewish holiday, you know a week the hella Mexican broad had you tied down tied down. You went here You went there. I went to the podcast festival two days big. Thank you vicky pezza. It was great. We went and saw

Sam Tripoli show the naughty show. We went to a couple panels, which was very cool. It was nice. It was a lot of fun What'd you learn a lot of stuff? It's crazy how much how much it's a move because apparently podcasting has been around for like ten years And it's just comedy has been really kicked it off So it was just really cool going there was someone who got their show bought by iHeartMedia And it was interesting to go to but I I had an experience today that I thought of you and it just When I first start working out you told me that like bigger people would come up to me like give you like a thumbs up And I don't know what it is. I don't know if you go to the 24-hour finish in North Hollywood or not

I don't know I live in Woodland Hills. Okay, but it's and my trainer is a friend of mine. She comes to my house that's what I but no, but that's what I need because This this 24 hours here is very nice But it's home to all the people who are too stupid to know they're stupid Like they're all everyone has the sides up if all the trainers are talking about where do you go to get auditions? But today I almost had to I almost had to call you to come and punch somebody in the face So as a bigger guy, I'm like we're like the only people who are working hard like all the fit people already fit So they're just there to be seen and and but this one

Jerk came in he was big. He was probably close to 400 But he had an entire outfit that matched turquoise. He had a slick back hair He had sunglasses on and he was walking on the treadmill and I wanted to why didn't you take a picture? What am I gonna do? You make sure the flash is off when I'm and then even if you get caught you're like, oh, that was weird I'm sorry when I'm when I get off of the elliptical. I'm basically dead But I just I was looking at him and I'm like and people were looking at him. He was he was doing the thing I'm sure you've seen it get on a machine get off walk to a different one get on get off and

I don't I Understand it with like a the pretty people at the gym They go there to be seen and and stuff like that Yeah, but for like a bigger guy to be doing a muscle No, he was huge. He was he was like my 600 pound life But he thought he was like a club guy and The killer was the sunglasses. Was he a fucking foreigner? No, he was white dude. Yep That's the fucking problem, too, right and it killed me like I'm like they have

Probably I didn't get a close But it's like people are like I was killing myself there They're a bunch of choppier people who are killing themselves there and I felt like he was like hurting our cause Like you're a bit of a hater right now. I am everybody can go to the gym, but he wasn't working out fucking Jericho So that's why I go to the YMC. I don't have to deal with Jericho. Yeah, I don't I live my life Jericho free I don't have to deal with fucking fake people or whatever. I understand what you're coming When I go to the gym, I don't want to see a fucking cell phone The girl the girl that trains me I say listen if you come with some she's a mom from my school

I go if you come with some good gossips and juicy scoop we can do an hour. If not, it's only gonna be half So either bring it either go to the gossipy parties and bring me some shit about someone getting enforced or something Or I'm not gonna do that many reps because then I'm bored and it goes by so fast if she when she's got scoop It just zooms by days a week you work Um Usually it at the low side three, but sometimes I'll be lucky enough based on my schedule to do four or five kept it together Really good. I know you a long time. Thank you. You know the spring chicken. No, I'm not Working I know

I know people don't know I know Heather a long time. She's a fun fucking girl I've always loved that. I didn't see you for a long time. I know I popped up on the show I heard you were a mom and stuff and I was so happy for you. I just didn't bump into you You know, I don't run in those circles. I know. Well, I don't go to Woodland Hills I know and I wasn't like hanging out like I used to hang out I would just hang out at the comedy store in the union and all that was always there were always those weird rooms popping up around sunset But I still say the weirdest memory for me with you is that the Formosa with Josh Wolf? Yeah, and Sarah Colona bartending and years later

Everybody's still friends Sarah's out working it. I mean, this is crazy. We end up at that fucking for most I'm in one night. You were dancing on the tables and those people that for most it just could not handle it We were outside we were outside not inside the bar and that's one of the last time I do remember for most that I did Yeah, yeah, we went to for most. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, man And now I was it was great seeing in New York. They're they New York is on I Don't know how to describe New York anymore. I grew up, you know how the for me when I go home I'm very numb to it. Yeah, because I grew up there like I I went to New York City the way people here go to

Sunset like I went to New York even though and then I grew up in New York till 73 And then eat my mom had a barn northern, New Jersey right over the tunnel So I was always in New York, then we bought the house in Jersey But I always looked like to see the differences, you know to walk around this week and to first off, New York is dead At night, it's dead hipsters. Don't go out at night. This new generation at one o'clock. They fold You know two three nights. I went out and they fucking Thursday night. I was at the stand We were walking around at one. There was nobody I was smoking pot on the street. You didn't drink or nothing They're firing out at did that place walked out of that 230 we were on the corner till three, you know people drips and drabs

I'm when you went to New York you pulled over the bag with beer in it You were doing a couple bumps in the fucking car to about 4 4 30 Then you went to a fucking club like the like the rooftop or something and you stayed there till seven They gave you sunglasses seven. Oh fuck. Yeah, man And then at seven you went back to your neighborhood bar and finished it off there to about 932 Jeopardy came on one of those fucking morning game shows. Oh my god. Yeah, man. That's how you did it That's how what the what that's why you lived in New York. You didn't live in New York to go to the museum Oh my god, I went to this bistro

That's not what New York is about that's what it became and I appreciate it I mean if you look at videos from New York in the 70s You will see the filthiest fucking city when I was a kid and I don't know it now now when I look at old videos in New York I see how fuck yeah, what's that video of Cole you showed me a bunch of times It's the start of a music video a video. It's a Spanish video from finally all stars Yeah, a movie in New York and this in the early 70s and you see the pictures in New York And it was three in three feet of paper on the sides of the street Well, you take you really anyone always feel like you people would getting mugged and stuff, right?

I feel so safe when I'm in New York so safe And so it's great. That's great. All these things are so much better than when Yes, it is know with these fight Gentile pussies walking around Holding hands with moms and dads and doing them want to get the fuck out of here New York If you want to get mugged you went to New York people paid money to get mugged People went to New York to actually see a fucking mugger if they didn't want to get mugged and they went that way Or something you know what I'm saying there was something about New York that kept it a little dirty Let me tell you something I seen about New York. Yes, okay

I was on Opie and Anthony and we were talking opi lives in a million-dollar fucking building and so is Jim No, you know what they were saying what they were saying that as soon as the Sun starts going down the rats are Fucking ginormous the kid the parks got to take your kids out of the park by five that the rats No, you know how many fucking mice I saw he's very weird rule I saw so many little mice running like on the side streets, you know, and I tell you I love New York I mean, I still love New York. I'm not saying nothing bad. I'm gonna celebrate hot dog I'm just I guess I got a separate hot dog when I walked out of opiate Anthony I went to opiate Anthony. I went on the Jewish holiday. So a car picked me up at a quarter to seven in Jersey

I made it over into the city at 715. He goes. What do you mean? It was raining. I go drop me. I had no umbrella Nothing, I walked around the city bad ass. No one for a fucking fucking chocolate edible in a lollipop I did open Anthony fucking let the rain when I walked out of 1115 I was stoned to the gills. I looked up the corner and there was a little sad red Iranian dude on the corner He put him in water took him out and then grilled them and then he put the bun was heated I had two of them with onions the cab came it took me right to the ferry. I went on the ferry by myself I was high you went to the stone to the gills. Oh, it took 20 minutes to go across and then that was the most terrifying The most I was fucking scared last time. I was on a boat over there

It was like the ocean line it takes you around New York City And they give you an ice cream croon with pretzels in it if I went on a ferry You'd call me up. What the fuck cocks like they've been cars for 200 years. You're gonna fucking very Fairies quick. I've been taking that fairy for years. I just hadn't taken it. So when I got on it was a little shocking But the weirdest thing about the whole fucking weekend actually mean these things I don't write No, whatever you want to do well This the weirdest thing about the whole weekend was when I went to my mother's cemetery grave I brought a flowers. Let me tell you some man. I'm so fucking fed up with people. They steal everything in Jersey

They steal from the cemetery. They steal the things you put the flowers in that's so nice that you visit your mother They still they can't that's the first thing I do. I I totally I will be I want to be I'll be creaming I can't I wouldn't want my kids to waste their time visiting, but I think it's nice I ripped the grass off. I fixed the rocks for her. I Fucking smoked a joint. I blew smoke at the fucking rock All right, I put flowers there. I wouldn't got a fresh flowers. I put a candle in there. It was very nice I don't know I go that's the first thing I do when I go on my parents. Okay. He's not the animal What I don't know they moved them over. I don't know. I gotta go

Musta took it. Yeah, I gotta go to Union City. It's been 35 for five We go and give this guy like a piece of And he give me a bouquet of flowers on the arm for last time I've been no and it was sad because when I walked into that cemetery, I go I can't believe I've been coming to this fucking cemetery for 35 fucking years I couldn't believe that like I've been coming here for 35 years longer than she's been alive Yeah, or longer than you were alive with her Yeah, longer than I was alive with it and when I was a kid I wouldn't even walk on that side of the street because of the cemetery

Once she died it forced me to go on that fucking cemetery when I was a kid I had to walk past that cemetery every day And I just wouldn't do it. I'd across the street once she died I had to go in there, but that was it the rest of the trip. I got no fucking complaints. How's George? We fucked George up first stop. I went to the second thing I listen when I go off the plane First thing I do in Newark is I shoot to the hotel. I check in and then from down the Jersey side I go right the chance dragging it best Chinese in the trice day there. I've been eating there since I was 14 years old 36 fucking years Got pork fried rice. I got three egg rolls

It's not that exciting. Listen compared to the shit we get here Exciting What I got you dirty savage look at those egg rolls that's 36 years. That's that's the dodger game Monday night. Hold on Those are huge that is Spare ribs you can't get those out here you see that that's a real strawberry shortcake from a Jew fucking bakery Speakers, you know how many years they've been there? Okay, look at that That's Cuban boliche with the chorizo in the middle right there. That's the original right there was terrible wasn't that good

I've been walking the Rudy's since I was 15 fucking years. Oh, do we do it like shut up the mic? I was fried calamara right there. Yeah, look at these muscles. Look at these muscles. I'm not Look at the fucking muscles with spicy red sauce on it 35 fucking years. Look at the food I got to listen to me dog. I stand up. That's my first class ticket American allies I scanned them because they canceled me because of the flight in Chicago. I had right I had knee surgery So I always slide direct But the doctor said, you know what just to walk around take a connecting flight against my best fucking thing I took connecting flight. Oh my god. I went to Chicago on the way here. It was okay. It was an hour delayed

That's fucking Chicago. That's four times in one year through Chicago. I'm never going through fucking Chicago again This is Wednesday then that mess happened Friday some kid wants to kill himself in a fucking airplane And he pours gasoline on the thing lights it it don't go up then he lights himself on fire He don't go up fast enough. He takes a knife and he stabs himself in the way this and he lives And you know what do you know why he didn't why the article said it's because he got transferred to Maui And he didn't want to go from Chicago. This is the fucking morons. We lived today Somebody should just shoot him at the house. Oh my god fucking favor There was like 900 flights flights delayed or no, I was direct virgin first class

Oh, but see you had to leave or you had to leave Sunday at one from Newark. Yeah, that was fine I don't like flying in the four o'clock. He's he's home. He's leaving by one. Fuck you by one of my morning afternoon I'm already fucked you with a 405 is trafficking listen to my fucking junk Perfect plan fuck you. Here's the perfect fucking plan. All right. Let me hear it. Let me show you First of all, what do you eat before you get on the plane? Let me show you what if I would have flown out in Phillips out of Newark I would flip I would eat at Phillips. I would what would you gotten there? Let me guess two crab cakes two eggs Sunny side up two pieces of wheat dough butter. Are you fucking kidding me? I bet that's what fucking I like a cake. Nobody knows what flavor throws down. So

Fucking virgin at four you got land here and four or five with a bunch of morons Even if you have a driver, you're stuck in fucking traffic. No, I was home by yeah, and that's great Let me tell you what flavor did all right even with my connecting flight I would have been home at 10 to 11 because I got a rule I get home before the weed store opens I want to spend the whole day with my family and I have to fucking day and not get caught by a delayed flight Wait, what's wait? So you want to get home before the weed store opens at 11 o'clock in the morning? My rule is 10 o'clock. So I got a call from American So you can then get the weed and then spend the day with the family. I already got sweet at the house

I just that's my rule. Well, what's the rule about the weed store? Because you never know what he needs. You never know when you need it. Oh, so I get sadder and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop I'm waiting for America. I want to say they're gonna cancel my flight I thought they cleaned it up to mess up my saddle. Yeah, sure enough saying I got a call at 10 o'clock Mr. Diaz, we've cancelled your flight for you to fly out. You either got a fucking foot now I was I already had upgraded to first class. They said for you to fly out You're either gonna have to fly out of at 20 afternoon and get there at 8 which ain't gonna work for flavor or Monday morning That ain't gonna wait for flavor don't fly on Mondays. That's just the way I do it

I work Thursday through Saturday night. I don't work on the Lord's Day and Monday I don't fly flying for Mondays is for Jagos. So Especially if you don't take the first flight, you're gonna get delayed. So I fucking I get the call and she goes What do you want to do you got a flight of doubts? I said listen, what do you got that's early? She goes, well, we have a little quite a flight at 7 a.m. I go listen, let me ask you this I know you motherfuckers got a 545 Kennedy that goes straight into LA X that gets my Cuban ass and LA X at 830

And with a little God's help without the wind and the pilot didn't get his dick suck last night I give him about 10 after eight. I'm on the 405 by fucking 830 because there's no other idiots coming in My luggage gets there first So do you not even sleep then on Saturday sleeping this with pussies that bitch said I got it and I upgrade you mr. Diaz I call my wife my wife says that's the plane with the fucking plugs Because that's the plane see the American Airlines Biggest flight is from LA X to Kennedy if you go to LA X and go premium exit to Kennedy They do everything but lick your nuts

They give you a free soda coffee breakfast mug and they ship you up I didn't know that until I got upgraded about two years ago. That flight is $4,400 for first-class 25 for business class. They rape you on that flight. So that's why everyone does it here Yeah, sure you're fucking jerk off has to do but it was empty I Got I really that bitch I was over at the magazine store and that bitch said boarding first class when I got up to the chick the chick goes We're boarding first class. I said you better check yourself before you wreck yourself lady She looked at me looked at the past. She goes. Thank you the fuck out of my face

The one where you get on the seats are this way full bed like a pod full bed Full screen TV remote pops open bam Button for the waiter a whole circuitry over here computers the whole fuck nice I put my feet up like a doctor stone to the gills I was at 601 what a surprise and then I went to the back. I see some black lady laying down. I said I didn't know that I took that little blank ever my sleep at me a mask on I Put that seat all the way back that bitch woke me up when we were fucking descending. You brought up You didn't get any of the free food

Who wants to eat that shit? I love it. No, I love how they serve you dog They don't fuck around come on. I eat the food then I take a nap. Okay. What do you think you're doing? I just said I watched the shitty movie which movie I have no idea whatever they were showing I think I watched a little blended. I put my music on and they threw me with first class had the upgrade had Opened up with a yogurt a little granola little strawberry yogurt with some blueberries Then they went to some fruit, but I think I'd like a cheat. Oh, I was with the Jews beg on locks Come on with fucking onions eating airplane locks, but not bad

Like flaming yawn, yeah, that's really good. There's a good deal about flying all the time You just get upgraded or you buy the first class ticket like a momo. No, no I did some video promotional video for Virgin Airlines and they gave me some cup of free But that was my last free first class. Well, you don't have to it doesn't end there because you're red right now See, yeah, I don't know your silver. We'll see what you can but it's hard. No, it's fucked They're the easiest you buy the fucking cheapest flight if you're red They upgrade you automatically the main cabinet select and 12 hours before you get your first class ticket Who the fuck you thinking dealing with those?

Stop that fight first class every week on upgrades around this fucking country of mind good for you fuck around with that We've been flying for 20 years. I have not been flying for 20 years. I've been flying probably for about five Well, you got some learn no, I'm no I'm doing I do pretty well I think I do pretty well, but sometimes I'm like I sometimes it's a couple hours And I am doing coach when it's only like, you know, Southwest is a fucking nightmare Yeah, but you get off a Southwest you get to me need 82 Cairo practice. I do it to Vegas all the time in Sacramento I love it. I mean an hour is an hour. How about no an hour was an hour? Southwest don't work for two and above to one above. No, you're gonna need 55 carapractice forget Southwest

I don't know but I I self-crack and I love it. How do you self-crack? Oh my god? First of all, I feel kind of badly cuz I think I've started my kids doing it. Okay. Let me see if I can get any cracks right now Oh my no, wait, hold on That was just a little one I'm not getting any right now. They're my elbows. You made your elbows crack. I mean elbows crack I you could probably push on my back right now and get like a ton of cracks. I Do your neck do your neck. I don't think I'm gonna get that many because I just did it I could bend over into all those type of cracks, but let's see it. My son can pull my

Life toes and crack. How many kids you got now three three kid. What are the ages up 14 11 and 8? And the 14th from another marriage no from a one-night stand of my husband's okay, really? Yes No, she was with us full-time and the mom's still around Not really like it was weird like it'll when she was about 11 Her mom just was like I can't take her anymore So I think she should go to school with you and then and then now she's so old and we can't get them to like I want her to like have a relationship with her mom But every time we would force her to go then she'd come back angry and we were making such progress

And she's like a really good girl She gets like a three nine and she goes to the Catholic all-girl high school I went to and I finally just said why are we pushing her to see this woman who essentially gave her up? And she does not and like we did the therapy thing and the finally I was like okay Like you guys can call each other and text each other's gonna be 15 in a month, and I just You know and I just think that's it like there's nothing more I can do like she was awful to me when she was little But I forgave her and I still was like telling my daughter like you should really You know this is your mom she had birthed you it's great

Who was awful? I'm sorry I didn't interrupt you my step-daughter's mother. Okay. Yeah Was really awful and then and it's just like such a weird karma thing that now She doesn't even want to talk to her mom when I had to like which you know She tried to keep me from her and everything you know it's just it's bizarre But in the end I always had this vision like this I secreted that they could would all work out and it did And I can't believe she's like at the same school. I went to she's at the same Catholic school I went to and she's great. She's good, but it was hard. It was hard That's like her at 12 and 13 was pretty bad now. She's 14 and she's pretty good

It's fucking tough divorce isn't a friend of my calling. Yeah days ago in jerseys I don't people say I'm thinking breaking it off with my wife eight years I got a five-year-old kid and I go don't do it man. Don't get divorced. I disagree This is what I think I will what with a reason see because this is what people when I say I said listen I I've been with my husband 14 years and there are times when I'm like, holy shit Like I cannot stand this guy anymore. I'm gonna kill him. I Like would you know a man? I like imagine him just like, you know stopped breathing. I'm like that wouldn't be that bad I mean everyone's thought of it. Okay, but

In the truth is the fights don't last that long and we are like we like the same stuff We have the same interests and we're we have fun together. I think sometimes when people Also fight but really don't like each other and really have nothing in common and you've really grown apart I don't think that you should stay together Because it's like life's too life is short, but life's fucking long too and you're we're gonna live till we're like 80 or 90 years old So why not get out now at 40 and maybe you can still find someone that you like I listen like you don't think you can ever get back in the groove like that's why you shouldn't That's why when people go too long of periods of having sex and stuff

It's such a mistake because then it's like weird and awkward then you hate each other then then you're really more susceptible to cheating and like You can't let that chick go too long. I when I was young I was married and there was a child involvement I wasn't I wasn't happy around if she was in the 50 yard radius. I Wasn't the wife the wife. Yeah, and you know when I realized I didn't love him. I'm the fucking honey That happens a lot. I'm the fucking honey. Where were you? We were headed to San Francisco on the plane. She said something. I was like I Don't believe this is a fucking mistake. How old are you? 26 years old. Yeah out of prison. She's pregnant on a fucking plane. I Get back to the hotel in San Francisco. She goes to bed. I

Go to some fucking crazy bar pick up an eight ball and stay out till fucking six. I crawled in bed She thought I was in bed all night But that the honeymoon I realized it wasn't gonna work and after that it was just a disaster then I've had friends tell me like they knew as they were like walking down the aisle, but then it's like too late And then no you think that oh, maybe I'm just having a bad day. Yeah, or I'm having anxiety Or something isn't right. There's nothing. I mean, I just I agree with you guys I'm as far as my friends concerned. Okay, this guy likes a chick in his office. Do you know anything? Yeah, so he wanted somebody to push him just to let him know he's gonna do it anyway

We're not getting along But there's this girl but boom once they tell you that when somebody says I'm so has he fucked the girl in the office yet I didn't I didn't even go there because I don't want to hear the truth because you let know the wife Not because I know the wife, but you know what? Yeah, guess what? I'm 51. I got a baby I got 22 weeks of work ahead of me and all this shit I could give a Frenchman's fuck to be honest if you speak you have to listen. I could give a Frenchman's He's not gonna tell me the truth because nobody ever tells you that by the way Especially a woman 11 leave a guy unless there's a guy in her mind. Yeah guy from high school Facebook something

Yes, okay, that's don't once they tell you Well, I've been thinking that that means a guy got to it and she didn't fuck them. She didn't probably talk to him She just thought the guy Poked me on Facebook. That's a that's good when you're unhappy. Yeah a pope when you're not happy So just a friend request it's it's just amazing and there's some guys that are the same way some people are not just happy They know it for a long time. Listen, man The real person who isn't happy in a marriage isn't gonna get out and look for a girl He's gonna go home and get a shit together for a fucking year and go. I don't want to be around somebody

I'll get a piece of effort as if it's mandatory, but I don't want nobody in my fucking space You know, I bump into women who goes I haven't had a date in three years since that guy Fuck me over. Whatever you if you're really unhappy with somebody and you're it takes you off center Once you break up with that person, you're not gonna jump in unless you're a fucking moron, right? And then it's just gonna keep you see, you know, it's like the people who say I've been married four times And you haven't shot yourself yet because you're a loser. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot You know keep getting married and taking that funk into other people's lives Yeah, because every time you get a divorce you ruin that person's life for a year or two years

So they don't know what the fuck, you know, I take I always took it seriously. I was raised Catholic So when I got married and I fucked up, I was never getting married again the back of my mind You got one shot at this, but there's these people that walk around. Oh, you know, I'm married five times I love her. Are you a fucking retard? Yeah, you're a fucking retard or what, you know, I don't get it. So but no I was one time we were going and we were gonna beg us for the weekend and I'm like, let's just pretend to my husband I said let's pretend That we've only gone out twice, but we haven't fucked and you you're all you have a different wife

She's awful. You're separated for the first time. I'm divorced. We met at baseball I'm like, let's just see you have to romance me this weekend so that we because I don't know if I'm gonna sleep with you I don't know I do all of this. He's like what and so then we start getting ready and he's like Like pushes my suitcase in a rude way like it was in his way or something. I'm like, would you really do that? If this was our second date and we may or may not fuck this week Oh, would you really just push my suitcase rudely like that? Like sorry that it's in your way asshole. No, like I said we're on this What he's not an actor so he didn't continue with the whole improv, but I was down to do it all weekend I would have done it all weekend. No guy is ever gonna improv that's pain

That's fucking pain. Why could be make you believe that we like you to get in your pants. Yes That's fucking painful as debt that whole process and make him believe we give a fuck what's coming out of your mouth and I know I want to experience that again one second. I have to go to the bathroom I want to hear more about your mother's lambago. We don't give a fuck about your mother's ailments Well, your father about anybody's your father getting hit by a truck. We'll make believe to fuck you That's what I want again. So I'm never gonna have that again unless we pretend give me a minute my sensitivity Forget the fuck get tough. We don't give a fuck. It's amazing It really is amazing that

All these shows they still haven't put plugs on people And threw them in a date and tell them that they just want to do a test where they find out People's uh testosterone responses when they're around women I would all this shit that they've invented. Yeah, I want to see where people are really thinking moment I have how are you whether we're looking at fucking Heather and you're thinking oh Jesus this fucking mutt And we're saying lies to each other the whole fucking time and they don't know what really doing this I can't that's the show to pitch What's he really thinking what's she really thinking? Oh, I can't wait to fuck this bitch in the mouth

You know, but meanwhile, you know, yeah, yeah, seriously when you see looks it there's no fucking guy That goes on a date that while she's eating like lobster and eating the steak and shit He's not looking at you go You better get a good meal because I'm gonna fuck that lobster right out of here. That's what we think in our mind I can't fuck shit out of nobody. I was just always thinking like I can't believe I'm getting lobster. I'm so hungry I'm so hungry, right? Yeah, and he's thinking lobster. I'm gonna fuck. I'm gonna fuck those calories right out of pussy Shit And then there's nice guys like this fucking to do

This guy is a very Sweet guy that's still he has birds and Flowers and she wanted to go he's still one of those guys This is the same as I know I learned from him. I do fuck but this guy still buys the whole thing like Why she wanted to go really? Okay, you know two weeks ago He went at five o'clock on a Friday to Santa Monica the crepe class Finally, he's never eating another crepe again. He'll never eat another crepe or cook a crepe again

He got talk. He gets talked every Friday the week before that he had to go to chinese restaurant In Santa Monica and the traffic on a Friday. Yeah, you could I don't give a fuck how much I want to fuck you No, I ain't driving to Santa Monica on no fucking Friday But he'd do it and he'd do it after he fucked you that's the thing that got me worried about this fucking There's nothing worse than when you plan when you agree to go on the day And then your husband gets crotchety because he doesn't really want to go Early on that started to happen and I was like you need to just be honest You need to not accept that we're gonna go because now we're driving to this thing and I'm all cute and now you're being a dick

So like like that's always good like now Well in advance if I feel like he's being a little dickish in the beginning I'll be like is it because you don't want to go tonight Because if that's the case I can always bring a friend I'm fine. And then if he does want to go then he'll like stop Unlike sports Yeah, of course. Does he really like sports? No, he's not crazy. He's not crazy. He's not crazy. Now if you get 60% You think that 60% of men in this country is sports crazy

Yeah, at least then why would some stupid woman try to get this motherfucker out of the house on a saturday on sunday Why would some stupid fucking ignorant woman who gives up you want to do this at saturday at six and he said sure Everybody knows saturday is college football day. Yes, especially from august to december. Nobody gets married Nobody does nothing for so it's your fault. You should have could have said because women should know better No, I would know better. I would know better to ask my wife To do something on a day when they're like whatever she likes on tv Like when I go to the farmers market on sundays and I look at all those men With their fucking wives with the hat on

Showing their tattoo and they're pushing the carriage and the cunt wife has another woman where they're going He's such a good dad because she can't find the fucking man in hollywood and he's looking like a hero You really think that dumb fuck We never did I never I never my husband. Do you really fucking think on a sunday at 10 30? Some guy wants to be with two wenches from studio city with a sanatra hat on saying amazing and all those fake fucking words No, and you know what I always looked at those men and I was like I feel bad for them. Well, I don't I didn't have that guy I don't have that guy

You know the other guy didn't have the guys that bring the babies to like the open music stuff No Yes, my husband never did like I'll take the child so the woman around you can say oh, he's such a good dad That's the guy. Yeah, I can't stand that guy. No, we never did that guy the guy that has to get the minivan to show everybody He's a good dad. I would never get one of those things to put in front and walk around like We were also never the couple that took the kids to hawaii. I was like, what the I'm like, why are all these people bringing their toddlers to hawaii like the toddler doesn't know who cares And then finally the kids got so old

I was like peter we have to bring them on at least one vacation and he was like no Let's not and then I was like everybody at our school has that luau picture with their kids I'm like, we've got to get you bring them We finally brought them when the youngest was about five and a half then we go online then they started coming for 14 years You've never been in new york Why don't you bring her what's for what because you have to work so much because you're busy I don't want to bring nobody. I've been haven't been peter's never never come to new york with me But we've done other trips that make sense. Sometimes that doesn't make sense

Sometimes it's too expensive to bring her and you're gonna be too busy It's like you bring your spouse and your like when you're doing one night somewhere You know what I did. Oh my god. It was amazing. I did um stand up in atlantis Only two nights in the theater and we brought the kids and it was the best And where's atlantis that little island it's in the bahamas you take red eye To from l.a. to miami little small flight to nasa It is so much better than hawaii

It is so beautiful so much fun. Everything is there. I seen the thing. I'm thinking of taking mercy there But she's 18 months. No, no, you don't take her. You don't take her. You don't take her till she's 48 inches And but when she's 48 inches take her and she gets carsick like a motherfucker and I did too Oh my god, Mike. I had this the puking my older son was a puker till about three I can't do anything. She starts telling me daddy pull the fuck over I got a puke because It's a fucking nightmare. I know fucking nightmare. I really try really try. I would try not to beat him I can't even take her to the beach

Twice we went to the beach three times the one week. She got sick in the second week. She got really sick And I said that's it can't take it a fucking disney land Did you used to get carsick? Like a mother so did I and then my son got sick all the time So I know what she goes through I just remember one time I get sick every morning My mom would drive us to swimming practice But I was the baby and the other one swam and then I'd get sick every day and then one day I sat down to have breakfast She goes

You know what? I think I'm not going to feed your breakfast till after swim practice And I thought god you finally figured that one out. You dumb bitch like of course So sometimes it's hard because babies have to eat all the time But when with my son if we were going on a longer trip, I would try to like hold back And feed you know not feed him too much before Definitely not a bottle No, I don't even like that either Like we've taken her back to see her family and it bothers to fuck. Let me bring the baby on

Oh my god, we never took the kids on a plane until they were like five out of me It is so much work. No idea. And you know, that's where her family is and you know, you know, I always knew as as I Never wanted to be that guy with the baby on the fucking red eye. I never want to be that guy with a baby at a restaurant I never want to be that guy with a baby If you got to see a movie that fucking bad Then dump the baby up at the fire department, you know, like that fucking idiot in Denver That took his kid to the midnight showing a batman that jerk off came in and shot everybody in the fucking movie theater

You have your little fucking baby there. Maybe you don't want to see Batman You ever ask him that and that's how I treat my child if I can't answer and get a fucking answer out of her I won't take it. Well, I always say she's gonna prove no that she ain't fucking going My whole thing was like I'm not don't put your kids in a situation where they're gonna fail They're gonna fail at a nice restaurant They're not gonna sit through a two hour meal and then the alternative is giving them an iPad the whole time No, so it's like no now they're at an age where they can go So now they can go no one brings electronics

But we I would not bring them in three and four so that they could be nightmares and people could give me a dirty look What's the fun of that? No, thank you. No. No, it's annoying you shit But I understand some people don't have help and they don't have relatives. I don't have relatives I have a help three nights a week. She comes in three days from nine to fucking two. That's the help I got 15 hours a week. I love her. My daughter loves her. She's been there since day one. Yeah I got no complaint. That's all I got. We don't go out on dates Well, you really should

We do shit together with the baby But you guys should one of those nights that the girl comes you really should we don't have her at night Why don't you ask her if she's available? She doesn't she does something else. She's 57 years old Who's calling she's 57 years old But you and your wife weren't really that kind of like your date night was like yoga at the ymc It wasn't yeah, you guys have fun. Just have like hang out Yeah, as long as you're having doing stuff by your you know as long as she's not complaining and you're doing fun stuff together Then that's great. We always do fun stuff

We've been doing a lot of fun stuff for years, especially when she moved out of hollywood That was the biggest armpit of civilization once you got out of hollywood you live like a normal human fucking being Once I moved up here everything changed in our relationship. I even thought I quit in fucking comedy I thought I quit in common. I don't want to do. I don't want to go to hollywood no more You thought you were going to or you did I thought I wanted to and I took a piss test at the Ford place And I failed it from marijuana And then the what you mean you're in a cell cars? Yeah, and the podcast world started and I started doing a podcast and here

I am five years later I was ready to I would do movies if they call me for a movie A tv show but to go around the country carrying your luggage to argue with people about what they're gonna pay you and a plane ticket and You know, I just uh, I just that's not what I want to do with it Yeah, but because I hear a lot because I've been talking with more comics And I've been working with some of them and I hear that from some of them Are you happy now that you got through it that you didn't do that? Then do what they didn't quit that

I don't think I would have ever quit. I would have still done stand-up locally I would have still done all that shit. It was just I didn't want to go. I didn't want to Go out every week. I don't think going out every week is what I ever wanted to do Right. I don't ever want to do that. I enjoy doing stand-up. How many how like what is your schedule? I have to tell I have to tell you I have to tame Justin now Yeah, I've had I had little talks with him a couple of times with Chelsea lately ending. I was like, okay. Yeah, give me a lot of weekends but then You know, it's so hard though because like for example, I'm like absolutely not the weekend before halloween

That is my halloween carnival at st. Mal's my school and the kids are getting older. I only have so much time left So I'm no on that and then Um, and absolutely no for halloween. Okay halloween's are friday. I don't know. Well this offer for a really Really great one night or college saturday the day after halloween. That's not bad. So I said, all right So i'm taking a red eye Trick or treating i'm trick or treating and then i'm taking a red eye to boston And what called to boston? It's uh, well, then we wait then we have to drive 50 miles But we figure that's the a better way to do it than like, you know, I'd rather do direct and get a car

Um, no, it's providence the catholic school in providence. Okay, or catholic university is providence university I think it is but it's a catholic university. So, um But you know, it's like what am I going to do, you know Every every gig is like, okay That's a half a year of school because I pay for all private catholic school and like i'm always just thinking like and i'm always thinking What if they stop asking so I can't turn anything But the same time i'm not losing. I'm not missing halloween. My youngest kid is eight like there's only so many more I got three weeks in october, but i'm home for halloween week. Yeah

I got three weeks in october that i'm home for thanksgiving right boogie for a saturday morning. I come back sunday morning Yeah, we're after thanksgiving boogie friday morning. I really got my ticket out of burbank right to feed some right I usually do fly home early on sunday. Yeah, but i like to have the full day Listen, they want you to go out on I have been around. I hate it when they say come in on wednesday. I told him the other day that to tell people I'm like, it's too long of a time for me to be alone. Yeah, it's too much thursday morning. It'll cancel the week I'm okay cancel the week if we can't do thursday morning Cancel the week it's okay. I always do thursday because thursday does help the week sell

Right. It does help the week sell. Let's take a week just to get my rush back But then they So then you do all the press friday, but not the press thursday. No, and I told him What am I gonna do to get on the plane for press one thing on thursday? I know the down to it's one thing I know I that kills me. I went to philly. No. No. No. Call me philly was the worst If some kid to come in with a video some jewish kid Oh, he gets a thousand hits on his youtube one thirty a year later. Don't ask i'm not taking the flight tonight before Don't ask i did it. I'm going to indianapolis for bob and tom

In february, that's it. You know because listen when I got here. That was the thing. I like the road. I enjoyed the road But here's the problem with the road and especially in our situation in this business You have a theatrical agent. You have a commercial agent. You have an attorney. You have a manager. You have a Then you have a booking agent sometimes all those people work together except for your manager and your attorney But other times You have a theatrical agent and then you have a booking agent Well, this booking agent's job is to book you and the theatrical agent is to get you a job, right? So

Like this morning, I got to call nine of one Somebody called me in this morning at four at fox and they said you're the guy But the producer just want to see you today. You booked this. We need you to the 15th I called justin and said I got to cancel a couple of gigs. He was disappointed Following me because that's his job. But if I let justin book me he'll book me straight Here's the problem. I got a wife that I don't want to lose I got a child. I don't want to lose wait. So did you get the job? I won't know till tomorrow or wednesday the point being that everybody has jobs

So there's justin's thing is the job now. Let me tell you something last week and this is my my my main man right here He'll tell you There was I went eight weeks in a row It's a lot seven of those eight weeks. I had to drive to lax now what I do is I kept the fuck out of here four in the morning because that's what you have to do If you're not going to leave wednesday night, you got to take american airlines 601 to get you to miami at three One new york at 230, right? That's what you got to do So I don't mind doing that because when I get to the airport, there's nobody I got parking right in front of the elevator

Right, but what happens is I know guys that work 52 weeks a year But hello, this is what they do And this is what they're going to do to the club's goal. This is what you're making Then they got to look around I built a resume in this town and so did you I built an acting resume That was always very important to me right because one day when i'm 50 something I don't want to do this somebody's going to call me in to be a dad One of these young comics is going to get a deal and they're going to go

I want Diaz to be my dad right and even then I'll go out and perform But I never saw the wisdom of 52 weeks on the road. Yeah, I never saw it except not seeing I do things here I have a career here. Even the podcast is done on Monday and Wednesday nights on Monday and Wednesday mornings I like it like that if I have to break that thing For some road. This is the catalyst. Yeah, this is what brings people to the shows This is what gets us talking. So this is the most important thing on my fucking menu Second is the road, you know third is theatrical, but in reality I have a family right I have a wife I go to jiu jitsu. I'm trying to lose weight. You know, these are all things

I'm trying to write a book like you did So these are all things that you have to do and that 52 weeks are not going to work Yeah, but you know, what's great is you said, you know, I I always when I hung out with you when I was doing stand-up and then I got married at 30 And I kind of didn't do it not because like I didn't want to but first of all I would have had to change my act my whole act was about dating And I had a really awful experience at ha ha's comedy club down the corner Yeah, and what happened was I was I invited some friends

As I always did because every show was a fucking bringer spot show and I could bring him Find some friends classy friends ordered food got a table It's not a big crowd. I basically brought the crowd and he kept pushing me and bumping me and bumping me and finally I went to him And I said, do you know what I'm gonna go? He's like, I don't know and I said, well, do you know who I am? Meaning do you know who I am? I'm Heather. I brought these people. We talked on the phone not do you know? I am I'm Reese Witherspoon, you know and he's like, don't you talk to me like that? And I said, fuck it. I was to told my friends. I go, I'm not going on. I'm so sorry. Let's leave and I said I think I'm done with stand-up and I did not do it again for seven years

Because of the fucking ha ha cafe But I just was like, I didn't care. I was like, I can't do this anymore I can't beg people to come and then have someone be and know that I'm the funniest one And I'm watching the other people go ahead of me that are killing the crowd And I have Catholic guilt that these people got a sitter to come see me and this asshole won't even let me up I'm like, I can't take it. It's too much I just want to do stand-up and I never got to the place where I where I had regular spots and could do really well Or even make any money always like oh, here's 50 here. You know 100 there

Now we were the same manager originally Jeff now he got you a deal You got you a great deal. Were you booking stuff with him? No, he got me like you got me that lyricist lounge show and I had two development deals with him And a couple like guest spots and stuff but then But then once I had the baby I had my first son and He was totally not into me like he lost interest like I was like, hey, I've lost the weight Can we look into getting me a commercial agent and

And so then I finally like I just said, hey, I think it's like it happens sometimes the manager It's like a boyfriend. They just kind of like lose interest and you kind of need someone new To get excited about you could sign with jeffigan. Would you sign with jeffigan for how much of a husley was first? No, but well, I just don't think he's in that world. No, no, no, no, but I'm saying somebody was the best choice It was the bad little motherfucker dog. It was the best choice like I hadn't yeah, I signed with him You know why I signed with him Because I heard a story about jimmy shuber going out when I can get fucked up and going to a producer session and blowing the audition and jeff got a minute in the next day

And that's like that's I was jeff I miss jeff. Yeah, jeff was good. No jeff put me in such a level like I wasn't ready for jeff Yeah, when I was with jeff You know the thing that mr. Getland did that he was a hustler. He was a hustler I went out for fucking projects that I didn't have A chance in hell, but it brought my confidence up. It brought my game up because of jeff. I learned to act Yeah, you know because of jeff jeff you

You know, we were back here 15 years ago when you went on three theatrical editions in a day Yeah, I used to go to three commercial editions a day. Yeah, you made a hundred grand here 20 years ago with commercials because You booked two commercials. You made a hundred grand guys. It was that fucking easy jeff got me into Oh my god. I remember jeff get me into this should I see now on tv 10 years later? I go jeff got me in for that And it was horrible Like when they all look at you and go, thank you for coming in That was great. Like that type of shit where you know, you know, you know what you know

When you did poorly is when they're obsessed with your parking validation when they're like Okay, um Thanks so much joey. Do you have the valid? Is he validated? Make sure that he has you parking front or outside If you have the job no one talks about your fucking parking validation you you walk out and you figure it out on your own I went to so many and then the last year I was with jeff Everything was you're on hold. They're coming to see you. Yeah. Oh my god, and then I wouldn't get it the movie with

Uh, fucking I mean it was like six of them. Travolta was doing a movie. I went in there I read with him and billy gardell. They were interested. All of a sudden he goes and does a Scientology movie Then I went for the one with the black one with what's blade when he fought ving reams undisputed They even came to see me at the laugh factory. They called jeff Fucking nothing the man Then one movie I went to see and she really liked me. She didn't book me. She gave me analyze that That was before that was like the last thing I got with jeff. That was the last and he told me

I don't even want to commission you because I'm in vegas already Type shit, but if it wasn't for jeff, I would have never learned out of audition Because jeff just didn't give a fuck. He used to say some wow shit You should send this link to him because this is nice. Oh, no, I still talk to him because every time I see him He was really really motivated. It was good He really helped me. Well, I said I never really had someone care about me like that after him No, he really cared about it. We always had conversations. Yeah How do you find people like that because I'm sure there's people listening who want to be actors or comedians

How do you what's the process like of getting a manager an agent? It's not like it was back then. It definitely isn't well with with jeff. It was like I had a different manager um This woman who used to mark manage margaret show and she was kind and I could tell I stayed with her about a year or two long she was You know like I knew when I Finally spoke up and was like, I just think you're not into it anymore She was in some weird thing called the form. Have you heard of the form?

It's like a poor man Scientologists and you take classes and it's like an la thing. Oh the form Okay, like yeah, and all that kind of stuff. I was like, hey, maybe then like she was a caterer I'm like, maybe I should find someone else and one time when I was with her Jeff was an agent. I think at abrams or something and so I met him and she goes I don't like him. He seems like he wants to be a manager. Well, he did So he left abrams and then I just remembered him and somehow I called him and I met with several people And um and went back and forth and I just I just knew that he was like the most hungry and the most into it And I just needed that

Like I just so it was a really it was a really good choice. I would get calls from him at a quarter to 11 Like I was out and I'd get calls from his office and go Jeff yeah, I just got your audition Jeff it's 10 30. I just got the phone with the producers. They're gonna rewrite the role for you. I mean Jeff was like that Jeff did something that I never seen nobody else do Jeff uh One time he goes joy. What are you doing tuesday night? He goes, I got your showcase with the writers from I don't know It was a big show at the time. Oh, remember we would you're like you put the whole showcases together

With like uh me jimmy you CAA got me in that one time because sunda sunda sunda koon quest. Yeah uh, the kid that does the game show that opens up for Doug Benson the ovaugh. Oh wait, no uh, he got him a game show. Oh really? Oh, yeah, wait Wait, what was his name? Grant elwood. Yes, Grant elwood. Elwood was on a game show for five years. Bought a house now. We were gonna go on a date and he canceled to go to some like k-rock party

And I just said just forget it and he goes, whoa, I can't wait to reschedule. I said if you're gonna go to k-rock like Val and it wasn't valentine. There was some k-rock fest day. I was like, I'll forget it. You're an idiot. They used to call our Things batman's villains Yeah, that's what they called jeff gellin's management company. Matt like his crew batman's villains It was random, but he had a good like mix like no one was the same. That's for sure, you know No, he was very smart But the thing I noticed that he did to me that I saw one day was I had to do something and I went to his office. You had to park in the mall

Yeah, and run through the buildings right go through in taylor. Yeah, it was avenue of the stars. Yeah 30 something avenue stars and I went upstairs one day and he goes, I'm happy you're here. I was just gonna call this guy and he come the phone He's like, hello, was this just like this goes. Hello. Was this lisa yet? No, this is assistant I come jeff gellin's on the phone. May I ask what this pertaining to his show? It was like a big show on abc like darwin greg or something. Yeah He goes, how you doing lisa yet jeff gellin whatever the name of the company was He goes, listen, I was looking at your ratings on abc the last two years You slipped from 70% of this and he just started dropping numbers guys

You've dropped to 22 the male from 32 to 28 and the male oriented and the women the above and he just started He goes now I got this one kid joey dears. He could be a garbage man. He could be whatever you want I suggest your writers come up watch him and put them on your show You're not going to be sorry Because he's a comedian and he's going to fall into the 28 to 32 pattern Guys it was fucking brilliant And the next day that went they went to see me and I blew the spot and it was too dirty But he got them to see me guys

He had me up for stuff. I'm telling you he had me up for stuff I wasn't even in the realm for I wasn't even on the radar for he would talk them into stuff Do you think he misses like that? He doesn't what? But he doesn't do that now in vegas that he has he has that Let's tell our listeners at home. He has he runs tony tony and tina's writing That's a show sold it or something happened. He sold the rights, but maybe he just collects a check a big check right now He does kind of genius. He goes to different resorts and he provides entertainment. Okay, so go to the Bahamas and say What do you do on tuesday nights? Why don't you use my karaoke guy?

We'll fly him down here give him a room payments $22 And give him a coke on that one. What do you do on monday nights? Why don't you do stand up? Come I'll get you the best comedians. That's what he does. He provides a whole show for them Well, he'll come and say how about circus de soleil the michael jackson edition? That's what he does. Jeff. Jeff was that type of manager. I mean one day he picked me up for lunch and he was Do you mind if I pull over I gotta make a call and he got into judy brown's ass He hung up on her. He called her a bitch It was fantastic. It was fantastic, but he committed

See today, I went to an eight. I went to an audition today All right when they called me and I asked the guy what time do I have to go in because I'll call my agent set it up My agent knows listen to do me a favor. Don't put me on an audition at fucking three three thirty Talk him out of it. Tell him something. What do you think he calls back with four o'clock? Wait, what's wrong with 330 or four? Do you want to drive in that traffic? Would you send your mother on that traffic? Yeah, for an audition. I will Send the two and get there. Fuck that from the valley to fuck. I say whatever So I listen. I just rather do it without the traffic. All right. That's just me

You want to strong your ideas get them in the 1115 watching rock the house, but at four I'm thinking about the traffic going back. I can't fall Okay, it's like if I said to you Heather, you're gonna shoot a Uh, just in timblake movie and you're gonna shoot this thing And all some chelsea calls and says you got a tape at six Even though you're shooting at eight in the morning You're thinking about chelsea. You don't want to be late I don't like shooting with a gun to my head when we did chelsea. We couldn't do stuff. I understand

But you understand once you do that I don't like it's like if you have to do something at four and you got to be here at six Now you're not gonna give me what you got because you're thinking about the clock It's an hour drive to joe deez is at six That I don't like doing shit with a gun to my head like people call me from monday nights But so what if they say what if they say that's the only time the producers are meeting go see it But that's my point. But when I got that today people going at one o'clock That's my fucking point. Oh, so I should have got that one. You understand me knowing

Me if he would have called me the agent straight and said one clock I would have gone at one me knowing, you know, I work 130 That's what I get back. The session is from like 12 to 130 get there and then you get there you get there Yeah, yeah, but I wouldn't go at four. I still made it home by 5 30. I'm not but this could be a big thing, right? So hopefully how many big things you've run into in the last 20 years a lot No pun intended. Yeah What's your fucking problem over there cocksuck everything? My problem is that don't he gave me but since it is monday. All right, let's do a little tony benet here for the masses

Heather looking beautiful today. Heather mcdonald Thank you Well, tony benefit is soothing. Oh, okay I'm doing a very important show tomorrow. I'm doing comics on leash tomorrow You saw more tickets from this fucking show than that I know but I said yes Watch comics on leash four and that includes the producer and the fucking ad Coming to this day

He's been saying on comics on leash Really get the fuck out of that in there. You're on the fucking church. What's happening? Comics on leash In century city at 9 a.m. Tomorrow from woodland hills. That's century city culver city even worse. You fucked up You fucked up. You should have told him. I'm not gonna I'm either man mac I gotta do shit in the morning It's a show about sports and then they want you to say it was about so heather. Tell us how you hate traffic Yes, I know. Oh my god. I hate traffic because get the fuck out. I know what it is fucking comic, bitch

I said wait, what the fuck I want what what the fuck you want? How many times have you fucking made somebody laugh fucking whatever his fucking name is? I'll file for whatever his fucking name is buckwheat the fuck out of my face. All right. Well, that's what I'm doing tomorrow Anyway, you know, I love you had to have to see I'm excited. What the fuck I want to give you a hug You know the flying juice here. What's going on with you cocksucker? How you feeling? How's your beautiful? Thank you. Heather. He was 60 pounds heavier a month ago. He lost one of the treadmill He's gonna drop another hundred. He's not stopping to it looks like a hip patient. You know what I'm saying? He's gonna look like about you. What's your deal? You know me though. I lost a hundred pounds. I got to drop another hundred

Yeah, I just had knee surgery though. So what about celebrity biggest loser? Would you do it? Fuck? No, I'm not a celebrity I'm a stand-up comic. So what I'm just saying it comes down. They ask you you're gonna get You're gonna get a hundred grand no matter what just to be on it Not to fucking walk 50 towards your favorite charity And you could lose weight in the end. No, and it's just three weeks of filming. I'm not interested at all Well, you're crazy safely first. I'm not a celebrity. I'm a stand-up comic Fucking podcast slash act. I don't know about the matter. They do you know, whenever they use celebrities on those smaller shows I don't want to know

I'm very happy driving two blocks right here. Hang on with him and I would like to judge the miss universe contest I'm gonna put it out there. I'm gonna secret it. I would love for you to judge. I would love to judge a food show I would love to be in the fucking miss miss. Guess what I'm doing wednesday night judging a mixology event That's fun. No, what it's for charity and I get to drink nine different Cocktails covenant house. That's a good one. It is a good one. I remember we we used to do stuff in high school for it It's been around forever. Are you born and raised california? Yeah in woodland hill and you're having assist us Your sister was the top dui attorney 20 years ago. She is still a good dui attorney, but she lives out in palm desert She used to represent the stars years ago. Correct. She had a couple fucking stars and shit

She didn't one call. I can't remember the comic, but yeah, it was driving me home I can't remember his name. I'm sorry. She would remember who the comic is and he was driving me home and He got pulled over and he was crying and so I called my sister And she did all the stuff for him. God. His last name was gold something gold What isn't isn't that the whole point of a lawyer client privilege or confidentiality or you should know 15 years ago. I don't know 20 years ago. So Yeah, she's a very good attorney. She told me

Not to take the don't ever take the breathalyzer If you know your buzz just say, oh, it's fine. Take me in take the fucking license rip it up Take no take me in And do a blood test because she can fight a blood test a lot easier than she can a breath And it gives you time until you're tested a little bit. Yeah, it's just a very it's an easier one to uh, you know defend Because it's not it's not a perfect science like the breathalyzer is pretty good Then you had another sister was a stage mom at the time. Yes

And all three is a fucking all tense All three kids today are all savage. No, all three kids today Are gorgeous I'll show you all three women. No the adults one is a boy and well, he's your children. Oh my children No, your sisters. What are you? My sister's children are hot I don't want to see your sister's kids. I'm talking about you your sister and your other sister all three is a fucking tense And also next time I'm watching look at the Brady bunch. Okay. Sorry. Yes. We are all attractive and our kids are all attractive. Thank you Fucking sad. Look at that wrist. I'll bite that motherfucker till there's nothing left. You know what I'm saying? I gotta keep wrist

Thank you But I can get you on celebrity Vegas loser I can't because I got felonies and that's what they ask you on that fucking sheet of paper Have you ever been convicted of a felony? It was over fucking 10 years ago. You know, I haven't been a felony Has that happened, um with commercials too? No But I've I've done the paper like a macy's commercial and they they They asked if I had any felonies. No, they're firing people all the time. We just got fired from Geico

for the Adam Sandler's buddy from the the uh, jiggalo Rob Schneider's got fired for like one of his views on something his views on something I don't even know what the news was. Yeah, when it's a big product They do really which which is something to consider like as fun as it is to write fun stuff on twitter and I I have to admit. I am a little bit more careful because I'm like god. I would hate to miss out Do I like deal your kids do it because I can't imagine my kids do what be on youtube or facebook writing stuff like all the stuff my daughter was She is on instagram, but she doesn't like write anything like she just sort of follows people

But yeah one time she was I found her stuff like two years ago and she was like one of those people that would like Almost like a beaver fan like somebody that would like write other people that hate it on someone She and I was like I said listen girl like this is you're super lame right now. Like you can't do but it's forever It's not even just lame like what if you say something stupid like a joke to a celebrity about a comedian about the holocaust or something And then 20 years later you can't get a job because they google you Well, that's true. Well, and but as a celebrity too like you know and writing your jokes and stuff sometimes you you know It's like oh making fun of some new like a dumb show on tv like the show's so lame

The next day you might go in and get an audition for it and it's like so you you know, there's some things where it's like Okay, I thought of a really good joke But is it worth it to hopefully get 42 retweets? No, it's probably not like I really do trying to think You know Is it too edgy or could it hurt me in some other job thing and some people might be like you're pussy or sell out I don't care like I would I would be I would be so bummed if I said something mean and then missed out on something huge Yeah, I've heard that Some people check with them. They check a lot of social media

A lot of youtube and stuff like that, you know with me the proof isn't the fucking pudding. It's already out there. I can't retract it Uh, I know when you do a job now They give you a whole sheet of paper. I'm social media and some tv shows want you to fuck around and some are like Don't don't even mention it. I don't do anything. I don't mention Nobody needs to know I'm on the set of anything. I'm surprised. There's never never allow athletes athletes are always getting in trouble I'm surprised they allow them to be on it. Well now no, but I'm talking about when you do a job now When I did the Nickelodeon shows

Whatever super ninjas They did a background check because a guy from Nickelodeon got caught in that sting that sexual sting years ago I had felonies. They still gave me the job. I shot three fucking episodes. I've shot disney xxd I've shot everything. Well, you're singing nothing to do with kids, right? No as long as you don't do it kids That's it. It could be drugs or something 20 fucking years ago. You want to judge me on that go ahead I don't want to fucking be around you. Anyway, that's the way I look at it to be honest with you You know everybody talks about second chances in this. We're very We're very selective who we give second chances to

You know for some people this guy gets it with this guy I was just thinking about it the other day. Oh jay's off the fucking hook. He is he must be at home going 20 years No, ray rice is the new poster boy. So he ain't a poster boy. He's at home going It took me 20 fucking years to get off the domestic violence fucking poster. I'm off it finally That's the truth took him 20 fucking years 94. He killed that poor girl So We forgive where we want to forgive You know, we have selective memories. Mike Tyson raped fucking a bitch and go to the airport. We're gonna kiss him

We're gonna kiss them waving hug. Yeah, you know, I don't nothing against Mike Tyson You know, it could have been a set up whatever the fuck it was We forgive like here's the thing like, you know, what about woody allen like a lot of people have big problems with God forbid you get the woody allen movie. Would you do a woody allen movie? Would you yes? Okay, so would I I guess I don't know I don't know but I think it's I mean it's interesting when people say, oh, you know And then I'm like, well, maybe people at a certain level have the luxury of saying I'll never work with this person again because of this or whatever and other people don't like, you know I uh wake up in the morning. I have a thought in my heart. I put it on fucking twitter regardless

It's nothing hurtful No, just write some crazy shit. I write some crazy shit on facebook. You know, it's who I am The worst thing is when a guy like me goes on stage, there's five minutes and looks at people and they're getting up You know, because they got offended now. I don't have that problem. You come to the show. You hear this. You come to the fucking show You know, you're gonna hear So I rather that happen. But as far as Twittering and all that stuff. Yeah, they're looking at it before they give you a job apps of fucking louis And it's kind of crazy. It's not for us yet, but like we just had rogan on the show the last show

Every episode of any podcast he has there's an article where they just transcribe it what he said Like I can't even I can't imagine Having to worry about what i'm saying right here granted no one cares But if if like you had to worry about something you were gonna say It's like it's it's I don't worry, but he doesn't worry though. I mean, and joe rogan doesn't worry, right? But it's great. That's great that someone's writing that that's gonna make people want, you know And he's at a level where it won't you know, it's not gonna matter He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't care nobody wants to go to him and he doesn't want to when he got that sleeve

It's so he never had to work again When he got those sleeves done That's why fox makes him use the long sleeve shirts When he got that sleeve so his manager would never call him again with that His manager worked him to the end of fucking time if he let him Work him to the end. So now is he happy or not? Yeah, he's at the ufc. He does two weekends a month They take him to australia. They take him to london. Whatever the fuck he wants to do. He books a comedy show on friday He does the ufc. He's got two shows in syndication

I don't really think he needs for months. He doesn't yeah, he's not dying to do A hot new sitcom. Yeah, but the thing about him was one thing I learned about him Was that he was never I don't know how to describe it. He never walked around with his nose wide open And that's something I learned from him that you know with your nose wide open I've never heard that expression like desperate like a fucking desperado Like, you know, I can't do this. I can't do you do what you do And every day somebody's apologizing, you know, we're comedians if you take what a comic takes seriously

Then you should be shot in the fucking head, you know, but if you listen to a politician You guys listen to a politician saying yeah, it doesn't really matter. I mean everybody works this business differently you know and I remember having doing a podcast and somebody one time and I twitter and they called me up and they go Hey, uh, I can't believe you wrote that go the podcast went from number 90 to number 11 So what you know what I'm saying? So it's not uh, what you say. It's how you say it sometimes I'm not going to say something hurtful about somebody, you know, yeah, they had a bad experience of the restaurant I'm not going to help it or fucking go to twitter or something. Right. So my thing is what I feel and right the reason why I say those things

Had so everybody else goes away. I don't want no christians fucking around me I don't want no people that don't belong You know what I'm saying? Everybody has their own audience. You follow I'm saying? Yeah Every ass has a seat. That's what makes this world so special. I don't want you lurking around if you're gonna get offended You know what I'm yeah If you dated a guy and you went for his cock and he got offended would you call him back either? You follow I'm saying to you and I've heard story I remember a girl in high school once I was talking to one after high school

I bumped into I go you've been and she was crazy beautiful. Yeah, you've been dating She goes cocoa. I went on a date with this guy three times. I dated him never even asked me to fuck Finally the third day that had to attack him. She goes he had a little dick I couldn't even say I mean she was telling me all this and I'm thinking how she was telling me this It sounded that's the first time I heard those people. That's the first time I heard a woman talk like three guys would talk So and how she got turned off because she had to attack the guy You know, so I was just but so then did she have sex with the little penis? I think she fucked him but she said she went to suck his dick and she bounced right back up

She was so embarrassed for him. She just fucked him or something I what are you gonna do? You don't say things are bad all over Isis is cutting people's heads off in ohio Oh, I I reported an isis incident. What happened? I'm walking down In my neighborhood and we we like live in this area where you can go down the street And then like my son likes to play on this little like dirt thing It's like a very nice, you know residential neighborhood so I walked by

And there's a place you could park there and if you want to go on the hike And there's like this big black suv and this middle eastern woman talking to this middle eastern guy Well, now you know, we live in the valley. There's tons of persians So that doesn't like alert anything but she's smoking a cigarette and it's like freaking the driest brush So I just felt what I almost was like really do you mind not smoking a cigarette like in the freaking drought here? And um, and just then the guy goes to her you don't understand isis is liberating That's the sentence I heard last week. So I'm like, oh my god What the fuck is he talking about?

So I walked by and then this cute guy comes out of his house this english guy with his little four-year-old and I go Um, I just heard this guy this first all this girl smoking You know the brush and he just said isis is liberating And he's like, are you kidding me? And I go well, don't you think we should call? He goes I just moved here two days ago from studio city Kids were smoking pot in that same area last night and now there's fucking terrorists. He's like, what's going on? I like this normally like a really nice neighborhood So I get my with my daughter and my son and I get my daughter's phone because I don't have mine and I call 911

First of all, I think this should be a way that you can text 911 Because I was like whispering and she couldn't hear me And I really need to just go this is the information So I said, hey, I'm over in the street and that's you know Two middle eastern people are talking about saying isis is liberating Well, there's a lot of people talking about isis And I said, I thought that is what you have been begging people to do is to alert I am not saying he needs to be arrested and go to gautama obey today

I'm saying you might want to send a car over here and question him Don't you think so then she's like she's like, hold on But I'm like, oh my god So now I'm like further away because I don't want the terrorists to hear me calling on them so then then The god the english guys. I'm like, which he's like, no, I think it's good that you're calling. Okay, uh, okay Now I won't all right. What does the car look like?

Dada, I'm like, it's still there, but they're probably gonna leave soon They're gonna go down towards the boulevard. So just you know, maybe stop them. What's your name? I'm like, or do you not want to give it? I'm like, no, maybe I don't want to give it You don't seem very supportive. You don't seem very excited that I called you You know people would have called more maybe more shit wouldn't have happened So then then they got in the car and they left and so I don't know if they ever fall if they ever found them or talked to Other people know what you they probably they don't know unless they're listening to this podcast. They're outside. They know you're a crime stopper You know what I'm saying fucking crime stopper. That's right

So then I said I told my friends I said to like I had like a thread of all my writer friends that I told them And this guy set back all the emoticons of like Like the guys with like turbans and like the american flags that are like good for you heather Heather you're a fucking trip. You know, you know, I love you, right? Am I an american hero for calling 911? You're the last of the real deal we feel. Thank you. Who's got your children tonight? My husband you don't mind these bathing them and feeding them and all that shit Well, they're not they can kind of bathe themselves. They're a little old They're 11. I mean, I hope he's not bathing the 14 year old daughter

14 11 and 8 and 11 is a boy. Yes. He's very sports oriented He's actually really good at baseball and he plays golf So he's like my husband has created a best friend a clone in himself. Okay, and what's the five-year-old the eight-year-old is A little more difficult What's his deal? he probably has a touch of the adhd and

But he's really smart, but he got we were just going over math. He's getting really frustrated I'm like, I think you need to go to kuman. I think something's happening. What's kuman? It's like we're japanese kids learned. I don't know. They teach you a different way to learn math My two older kids are my husband was a math major in college. They're really good at math Like so easy and this one I think got my math gene Because even I was like having a little bit of trouble with the third grade work and I was like, oh, shit, you know but um, he's he's like fun and You know outgoing he does karate because he couldn't handle competitive sports. He was such a sore loser

Yes, because he was like the worst sore loser you could ever imagine This place near our house in woodland hills. The guy's amazing He's I like I I sometimes tweet what the guy says. It's so inspirational as I'm sitting there Like something is like like, you know, just like things like, you know Luck is where opportunity meets preparation. Like that's not it but stuff like that like stuff where you go. Wow No, he's actually From guatemala. Oh, Jesus So you got a watermelon karate guy karate guy doing grass hoppa lines. Yes, he's amazing

And it's really just all about like inspiration and being in growing green belt Purple purple and easy. He does the forms. Yeah, he's good at it. I see those sidekicks for jesus Yeah, he's pretty good. You know, thank you for taking him to karate. Nobody bullies that motherfucker. No, he gets frustrated. He's a bad dude Yeah, he's got the catholic going through. He's just he's yeah, he's just a little more difficult Every child's different, you know, I finally got my heaven on earth. You know what you have your little girl And she's irish I've always dated irish women. They're the best women up on the planet From the fucking eighth grade on I was in love with those freckles on their titties. You know what I'm saying, trust me

Choice me fucking bananas A lice in the nipple with a fucking freckle This donut is very strong. That's right. What do you think I'm doing? Every day he calls me tonight. We're going deep I got a new I got a new cookie. I swear it's a new chef 10 milligrams Later, I'm going to find out I had 7700 milligrams So not gonna give some shout outs. I'll get you out of here. Okay I'm gonna give a shout out to some people ross 9501. I love you cocksucker. Danny Lyon the complete The complete pull out. He's for men. I love you. Danny Lyon always trying to help me out

Rene and car sion came out to the shows in new york that bad motherfucker Alvarado Ramirez. I love you. MJ Rivera. Keep it up. That's the Vasquez Hunan Kazam. I don't know if this is a real name. Whatever Lyon. All right, you're over there in german fucking holding it down cocksucker. I love you the dead too Now those are just like what like super fans that you say that you'll do it or what? No, these are guys that you know, I know they tweet they Facebook. Oh, that's nice So the guy sends me an email some mom hit me up call the daughter The daughter is beautiful. She's like 13th. She wants me to call up and call her a cocksucker and shit. That's he's sick

So, you know what wait fucking crazy. It's crazy 11 and the 13 year old sick A little 13 year old girl with cancer and your mom says call her up and call her a cocksucker Something crazy real cute girl girls go crazy when he talks to them like I don't like we've been at denny's And this poor waitress who's probably worked for 27 years at denny's. It's the end of a 14 hour shift He's calling her a savage. He's saying you're sexy. You're gonna go get some dick. It is like four comics getting milkshakes One in the morning He's torturing this poor lady. You got to compliment these women. Nobody compliments. But bro, let me tell you something I do have to say it's always very flattering to be talked to by joey. Guys. Listen, man. My mom

Used to fucking My mom used to let me get away with murder one thing. She didn't let me get away. It was the treatment of women. She didn't like it She didn't like it like if uh one day she saw women giving us cupcakes and we all took the cupcakes off the dish My fucking mom ran I think grabbed me by the fucking ear and almost twisted it all And she goes you turn around you bite that cupcake and I don't care if it tastes like dick You tell that woman the fucking it's the best cupcake you ever tasted. You know why? Because she was probably having a bad day and she wanted to brighten your day Now you're gonna brighten her fucking wait, was it not a good cupcake or no something about it

We all threw the cupcakes away. Oh, that's awful. My mother jumped the fence and almost beat me. Oh my god. I I Oh my god, I would have been making well When we go to anything now, I like we're going to someone's party or even like we go to these amazing things that You know The kids have to realize like you have to behave you have to be delightful like you look you're my kid So like, you know, so we're so I this why I say to my 11 like we get in the car and I go Hey, here's the thing If you don't like the way something tastes you get a napkin and you throw it away

You don't hand it to me while I'm talking to somebody like I'd be like trying to say Mom Yeah, like this is gross and like one time my son was so rude at this one Charity a thing for AIDS kids kids with AIDS and my little brat didn't like it was kids It was to the charity was to help kids with AIDS and it was like a fair so we brought the kids and He walked right the lady's like, oh, do you want a pink hot dog? I'm like sure and for some reason he didn't like the way the hot dog tastes. He's such a tricky little prick And he was like this hot dog's disgusting

And I'm like, oh my god, you know, it's kids dying of AIDS here and you're like complaining about the hot dog It's such a little shit. I'm like you're never coming again Just taking the younger one like I'm leaving you at home. And so now they they get it I'm like, you are never allowed to say the words. I'm bored or this is annoying or this tastes gross ever when we're at A party or someone's house Because that is just horrifying. I'm glad your mom took your ear and twisted it. I used to look at me when I was like six I'm gonna

What do you think about that lady? I'd you know, I'd be a kid. I don't know. No, no, no. Look at it. What do you find nice about her? And I'd say her hair or something and she could go over there and tell I go down or give me 10 bucks go over and tell her how pretty the fucking hair looks And as a young kid I go over and see what it did to them It's just just something simple And my mom would say don't pick something that somebody else is looking at that's gonna pick something that they're completely nobody's gonna compliment them on

And they're gonna fucking die. My mom would always ask me questions. You know who does that too? Did she know that she was creating such a little Charmer and no, I think that she just wanted me to have that like when I was young she'd say that's sweet That's really cute. What did you do to her like it just fucking crazed your shit My mom was a and once she found she goes you like dark chicks, don't you? And then when I got older she goes you like those white chicks don't check it see already you fucking love them So did your fucking father You know, who does that too?

Sam Tripoli does that like when I saw him this week and every girl high beautiful. How you doing? You have to talk to Listen, man, I don't know. There's something about I could tell when a woman has worked really hard Yeah, really nice and Just that nothing sexual like just something you don't like Chelsea Handler was fucking great shoes Like that bitch when she would interview your motherfucker. Yeah, totally want to jump through the tv and bite her fucking She's she's got she's said great shoes and great legs fucking does wear great fucking shoes That you're like god damn you dirty bitch

I'll chase you around the house with a whip like pollution that's seen with at the end of raw High with these whipping the chick smoking the cigarette We're running into Shannon, that's blues brothers whatever the fuck, you know, I'm confused. I'm looking Heather got me all fucked up You know what's that? What's next for Heather McDonald? Tell me what's cracking? Okay, so Eddie wants you on Chelsea for seven years. Yes from the beginning No, yes from the day one Johnny come lately. I came later. Chelsea is so funny. Six weeks production. Yeah. This is what I'm talking about Yeah What so it's great? I'm glad I'm it's I'm really I'm enjoying like every week. I like to be able to do different things

I mean, it's great. I love my friends, but I don't miss doing the show at all I'm just happy to I'm excited. I've been wanting to do different things And so I was kind of glad that the decision was sort of made for me. What's your idea utopia? What would you like to do right now? You said something about a food show No, I want to just eat the food that like a select. I just want to be like a one-off. I'd like to be like a celebrity chef taster Just for one time. No for my ideal deal thing. I would love Um, I'd love to be a mom and a sitcom preferably a show based on myself

Um, that would oh, you know, like a traditional sitcom Filmed at CVS Radford because that would be the closest studio in the house. Um Right by mcdonald's love it gets heavy the pizza joint. Yeah, I've got the bagel place. It's the best So the closest one. I mean unless they're going to build a studio at Warner centers, which I'm imagining is my dream That's up. Um, that's even closer to my house Is that the one on the street? No, I've just I just said that would be amazing if that happened. It's never gonna happen So, um that and I also I really also do

Really love doing the daily topics that we did at Chelsea lately So I do I you know, I do a lot of different shows and daytime shows and you know Panel things and I'm doing that now and so if there was an opportunity for like an everyday daytime spot I'd love that too So those are the two ideals knowing something what you want is the most important thing, you know, especially now You've already been through the habit. You got your deals. You've done your stand-up. Yeah You spit out the kids you play the mom shit. You've done Chelsea You're ready now. You're ready to fucking fuck Thea Leone and secretary of the state

You're ready to take show for cb. I watch that show. I like her. I always like she's good She's always cheerful. She's a good uh choice for a show like that. Yeah, you believe that you know why You know, she's in a movie that she got cut from She got cut from league around. She's in that movie. Oh, they cut average She must have said something to a director or producer. No, so that they just cut it for time and your part's not that big I know when you get cut for time. I've been both I've been both my friend. I know when you get cut where they cut you because you said something a long way I know that happened to two people where they went to the premiere and

What happened? They usually call you before and say i'm so sorry, but you're barely in this thing. That's rude that they didn't call it for and Ali He said something when they were in africa They heard about it. What did he say? I don't know. He said something about michael man. He never worked for michael man again See that's my scariest thing is that like you say something that is it and then you're me with the longest yard I was at the poster and the next they cut me from the poster. They put me on last in the names Why would you do I got I got into one of the producers you did. Yeah, what did you say?

It was I wasn't always said it was the attitude. He had an attitude. I had an attitude and we called each other on the wrong Then I don't give a fuck By that time I was six or seven weeks and you ain't gonna fire me now I'm rocking this motherfucker and you give me no money. So how can you uh? You know come at me that way especially how I've been a great employee And I've heard about different situations and if you watch teal leone and leave around They didn't cut her for time when they cut you for time. They cut a scene Not when they cut you completely out every time you see her. She's a fucking extra. That's teal leone. She's a fucking extra in that movie

You know and watch at the end they put her name like under the fucking grip Like when they put your name under the grip you piss somebody the fuck I have seen that in certain movies where I'm like, wait That's like a major star. He's got nothing going on. Listen. I went to an audition one day I had a hole in my pants Didn't know I was in the car of fox. I was going in for two and a half like right at the dick Under the dick like a little hole like just a teeny fucking hole Okay, you look at it when you hit whatever Hollywood and you go it's nobody's gonna see nobody's gonna know what happened. Okay

It's one line at a baseball game and how I met your mother. Okay. Okay I walk in as I walk in the chair has a nail sticking out There's three women in the room This could only happen to me as I walk in I go to twist the nail gets caught in the hole Rips the pants when I turn around they all look at it. I go. Did you see the cuban egg roll? The room there's silence and then they bust we laugh so I didn't bring egg conditioning after that was just a joke fest. It was like stealing We didn't stop laughing for about six minutes finally go

Thank you for coming in as I leave when I walk up halfway up. They go. They just call back. You didn't even read So by the time I wanted to read they boom I read and they go, thank you again And they laughed next to that book the job when I got to the set they all looked at me like Who is this fucking guy? This isn't who we wanted. Wait, what do you mean? Oh my god? They treated me like that. Wait, what what do you mean how I met your mother? Wait, so how did they give you the job if that's not who they want? I don't know I don't really think it was like a mistake. They thought you're someone else. It was a mistake It was a fucking mistake. Did they fire you then they didn't fire me but watch the episode

I'm just standing there and you go. Why would you hire him if you're not gonna give him a line? That was it. They took my line away and told me to stand to the side Wait, so did you ever find out what happened? No, and then I bumped into Jason Whatever seagull seagull weeks later and he was like, man, you were great that day and I go Doug they cut me. He goes They kind of did didn't they and that was it. We just giggled. I told him he was good in that movie Saving Sarah Blink forgetting Sarah Silverman forgetting Sarah Silverman, whatever and uh, that was it. That was it But you guys I know what a cut is and I know when they cut you completely from movies

The longest yard they I think I shot like maybe 20-something scenes and the scenes they didn't use were just bad So I was lucky. I still had great scenes, but I know if it was like three or four scenes They would have cut me from the fucking movie It's amazing, man. It's fucked up how it works. Sometimes you get to a beef with somebody I'm misunderstanding this morning. I went to walk the baby I took the baby at Quarter nine. She has a little car a pink car and put her in his strap I give her I take the pacifier put in my pocket. I take the water

I just I fill hers up with ice cubes and just put like an ounce of water so it melts I took her to the north hollywood park and I walked around Then I let her loose So she I walk her all the way down there Then I let her loose through the park. So she burns all that energy Then we get the exercise equipment. There's red ants. So it's just a moment of time before the red ants get it And when she goes, ah, that's it. It's time to go because she's like we got to get the fuck out of it She don't say that

But I can see in her face because it goes into her sneakers and she ain't got socks on So her little hands stuck to shake. So I pick her up. I put in the pink thing We walked home. She drinks her water and then the other park on the way home. I take her out And they were shooting something right I go, what the fuck I had her off for me. I know if I pick her up and put it back in the car She's just going to throw a fit. So I said, let me walk what I had Guiler and she went down this thing The cop stopped me. He goes, where you going? I go over to the swings fucking cop didn't even know

As I walk over to the swings and I walk out they're shooting sons of anarchy And it's peter weller and jack's teller right there and I look at both of them and they look at me I started looking for amelia. That's hysterical Rivera and I didn't see him and then like you can't go on the park. Is that a problem? I go. No, that's no problem I just took the baby and rolled and I called amelia. He didn't answer. I was hoping he was on set But he wasn't of course it's that show that you've wanted to be on damn fucking sunday Like you're right there by the pool right by my fucking house. I'm like, what the fuck? Where's the executive producer whatever his name is?

Sutter got with the one arm. So it was uh Have it it was just great seeing you the other night. Thank you both walking around this town confused 15 years ago With the same manager and I didn't know what happened. I asked around, you know, I stopped going with the places And then I see you on the show fucking being funny and beautiful and glamorous We got to get your glamour show That's what I love glam like places paris and you go and get glammed up by the spa And then you give a review about the spa. Yes, I'd love that And then you go to monica when you go to a visa and you go to all these factors. You could be your first guest

No, it's not for people like me. It's for people that wear little hats and say amazing And drink mango juice and you know wear like plaid shirts and shit. Yeah, I love it. It's a great idea behind the building You know shit like that. I'm a I'm a pig Anyway, let me give a shout out to the sponsors. I'll get you out of here. Okay. You know, I love you have them I you're a sexy motherfucker tonight. First off. I want to talk and talk about hit e6 dot com Yeah, it's a great product. Yeah, they last long and they taste better. They got 1200 hits per cigarette and they're cheaper Anything else that's on the fucking market. Yes, they have different flavors. Yes They come in a fucking tremendous cigar, which I smoke all the time

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You should you should rename doing a favor doing a flavor. It's like you're doing what joey would do That'd be good. Let me ask you something. What it was the last time I kicked in the fucking liver Jesus We're irish, you know what I'm saying we're Cuban irish on it Fuck vitamins and minerals and ha ha ha. I crossfit. I don't give a fuck about what you do for optimum Optimization optimum for optimal optimization. That's what that company does it on it optimal optimization They give you the they make you the best that you can fucking be

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Who gives you 20 percent off the first fucking night you meet them not even a hooker does that with a missing fucking eyeball You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. When does the hooker have a missing eyeball? I don't know That's one hooker should give 20 percent off. Listen This fucking guy was right his girlfriend loves to raise it. I use it. I have one in the shower And I have one in my little travel bag. I love it dollar shave club If you're going over standing online to do what they got a razor with fucking Cameras on it and fucking It blows and and creams and all that you don't need that shit

Or you need there's two blades and a close fucking shave. Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't need to drop 200 a month on blades Even my brother george was saying to me every time he goes like 22. I want you to take 30 bucks Yeah, and go to a dollar shave club go to dollar shave club right now They got a one dollar a six dollar and eight dollar nine dollar Nine dollar program every month. Even if you live like a doctor and you get the nine dollar plan That's one one oh eight a year Come on

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hulu plus.com. I'm sick and tired of telling you people. Yeah, you get two free weeks. Yeah, it's seven ninety nine a month That's all great. That's the deal you get on tv I give you two free weeks as a little something from the fucking church But you could stream anywhere any place any time my man league goes to the jimmy brings a movie a movie you watch today Man on fire man on fucking fire because he went to see the equalizer yesterday and that was on hulu plus Yes, I believe man on fire. That's what I'm talking about tremendous fucking. They have a lot of shows Daily show I watch a lot. What else does he watch on they have the tonight show there you go There you go, and you could binge watch you want to sit there and watch the whole fucking week

There you go. You smoke a doctor. You gotta come over and rub your toes and tell you about the sushi at boa Whatever the fuck you what do you go for sushi in LA? Um places do you go? Celebrities and mingle Bo is very good. So that's steak, but that's steak. Yeah, that's always like a good scene Can you imagine going there with a lie detector test? And just every time people talk to you put a lie detector test on people I was just thinking about you have this project in the works

You fucking lied cocked like a turn around no free stay. All right. I gotta go honey. Where you going? I got I wake up at 6 30 the morning six. I gotta go six I gotta be at the heart doctor 70 a blue ink in my nuts. Jesus and make sure the stomach is still working You know what I'm saying? So I'll drive you downstairs. Where you going? What are we talking about here? Hulu plus go to the box and press in joey joey and get Get two weeks for free and then seven ninety nine and seven ninety nine a month. Who's better than fucking you? Let me ask you one other question. Go to hulu plus dot com right now. I'm not fucking around It's a great deal. It's a great service. You can watch it from any streaming device. Roku koku

What else ps3 ps4 ps3 ps4 ps9 do what you need to do had a mcdonald Yes, can I plug my hulu? No, just gonna tell you something It was a pleasure seeing you this week. Thank you brought back a lot of memories. I've always been very fond You know, I wish you the best you too on what you do We're gonna be at the end. There's no lie detector test here. This is from my balls I'm gonna be at sacramental punchline this weekend. Go see a sacramental punchline. Then Raleigh Email her what's your email? No, I'm not giving my email out. I need you eat somewhere. They can reach you

You tell you where there's no bed bugs in sacramental if you're a hotel owner 20% off from my girl sarah this weekend. She'll just tweet me. Sarah fucking Heather tweet her 20% off. She'll tweet it. You'll fucking get everybody staying up there There's bed bugs a certain hotels and she wants a nice place in sacramento If you know of a nice place go to heather mcdonald at twitter and send her a nice spot And a nice spot in the daytime. That's breakfast. What do you like for breakfast? What do you like? I like I like uh, like a goat cheese omelet. That's what I'm talking about If you got a goat cheese omelet right now

I hope you and your restaurant burn to death if you got a goat cheese omelet, you know this With caramelized onions. I hope your mother gets hit by a fucking truck tonight and some basil. All right. No, stop American cheese, nice cuts lind with some fucking eggs from some mexican house Wait, can I just play one more thing my special my special it's on show time I don't mean to brag so you can get on showtime on demand or find it and where you at the week after sacramento Raleigh at good nights and do you have a punch us and I'm gonna be oh, I'm gonna be in vegas at uh south point At no at just one night october 18th at the venetian in their all-female Review show which is the lipstick and I'm doing it with jesse may paluso the two of us are doing it

And where you knew you were 18th I don't have a new year's eve date Just to tell me it's weird and he can't get me a date. Don't do it. Don't do it. Stay home with your family Well, do you have a new year's eve date? Yeah, you want to do it? Well, what's yours? I'm doing the podcast live at eight o'clock at the ice house. You're home by 1045. No, I don't want to do that Stay home by yourself and fucking around with your husband. What are you bothering me for? No, then I'll go to like a like a party or something party We'll get like a bunch of couples to go to like

The test with you and see these people There you go. You're bullshitting me. I love you and I'm very happy you came in. I'm very happy You want the last Catholics in hollywood? You me and steve some Oh, shit. Hold on next wednesday. We invade the laugh factory in fucking long beach long beach And then that Thursday, I'm at the denver improv The denver improv and then I'm in balkamore the following week So next wednesday at the laugh factory in long beach and that weekend. I'm at the denver improv go the tickets right now I love you guys stay black. I love heather mcdonald

Thank you Oh, if you go to leesat.com these coupon coupon code zoom me down and I'm giving 10 off my shirts And joey, you have shirts right at joey d is down there. Don't worry about the fucking shirts. Just get off the goddamn shoes You gotta go right So you guys do like a two hour podcast All right guys now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for free travel plus like I said you can Watch on our ipad any streaming device You can binge thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus dot com slash joey Or go to joey d is dot net and click on the hulu plus banner down at the bottom of the page Don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club dot com get high quality Readers are sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Now go to dollar shave club dot com forward slash church Or just go to joey d is dot net and click on the dollar shave club banner Also, go to honnett.com to get 10 off when you use code word church on all their great products like alpha brain new moot room tech immune room tech sport

And lastly if you go to hit e six dot com you get 20 off using code word church Hit e six and hit cigars. They're awesome. They have different Amounts of nicotine different flavors for the e-cigs. It's better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape Use code word joey's church for 20 off And my cake now Diamonds brilliant and billy I'd summer nights Mid to light when you and I were forever

The crazy days city lights the way you'd play with me like a child You still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul? I know you will I know you will I know that you will Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful I've seen blue bled it up as my stage now Channeling angels in the new age now

I'd summer days Rock and roll the way you play for me at your show And all the ways I got to know your pretty face and electric soul Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul I know you will I know you will I know that you will Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Dear lord when I get to heaven Please let me bring my man When he comes tell me that you'll learn Father tell me if you can All that grace all that body all that face Makes me want a party he's my son he makes me shine like diamonds Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will I know you will I know that you will Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful You