Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #217 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Thursday, December 1st…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Stamps.com & CBD Lion…   CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH For 20% OFF Your Order!    STAMPS.com Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday, the 1st of December, the rent is due in a big motherfucking way. It's like one of those rent checks that you don't want to pay. You're like, fuck it, I ain't going to pay December because I need money for fucking the holidays and snacks and a new outfit for Grandma's house and shit, but you got to do it. But the bad news is it's fucking December.

It's good news for a guy like me. It's bad news for a lot of people. I mean, this is the time of the year, man, when you could see people go into a fucking coma or they fucking blow the fuck up, you know, either, you know, this. I go down my block at night, there's a house down the block, the Pumas, I love them. The fucking house is gorgeous. It's fucking gorgeous. They have put lights and arrows and fucking Santa Claus and sled lights.

It is fucking gorgeous. And you look at it and it inspires you like, you're like, that's fucking great. How come I was never like one of those guys that fucking Christmas comes. I'm outside fucking throwing lights. I helped my wife the other day for about 15 minutes. We threw up some Puerto Rican lights and shit, but it's not like I was never really overjoyed about Christmas. Like I had one Christmas that I remember that was fucking phenomenal. I don't know how my mom pulled it off.

You know, it's that Christmas that you're like one of your friends pulls you aside. One of those little shitheads and go, you know, what are you getting for Christmas or whatever the fuck? And you're like, you know, what are your parents bring you? And you're like, parents, it's Santa. And you know, because you were a fucking Santa believer still. And they're like, nah, your parents bring you gifts and you're fucking confused for a few days. You don't want to ask nobody because you don't want to look like an asshole, but you're kind of confused. You go, you know what, I'm going to keep my eye on it this year a little bit.

So this year you watch all your mom's movements. You're looking the closet. You look for gifts. It was one of those years where I think that motherfucker, my mother knew I was on the warpath for Christmas to find out the fucking. And she took me to the bar in Jersey. I don't know how the fuck she did it because I was with her. We left, I mean, we left at like seven o'clock for Jersey. We were living in New York City, obviously, 205 West 88.

And we left at like seven and the whole night she was at the fucking bar. I watched her. I didn't take a nap. I didn't do nothing. I stuck through it like fucking glue at three in the morning. We got in the car. We went back to New York and when I walked in the house, the place looked like fucking my neighbor's house. There was lights and gifts everywhere and fucking cookies for Santa and not even real like chocolate chip cookies.

In Cuba, they put like fucking crackers. Cuban crackers with a piece of yaba. So we left fucking Santa some Cuban snacks and I was blown the fuck away. I didn't know how the fuck they pulled it off, but I was okay with it. And after that, I was like, fucking, I don't even care if it's Santa or not. I had a good Christmas and that was probably, you know, after that, like it just, it's just so fucking. My house was simple. Like what do you want for Christmas?

Nothing. What do you want for Christmas? And you went to a store and you got it for them. There's no surprise. There was no fucking shit going up in the air and then my mother died and then Christmas became something else. You know, the first five years after you lose somebody special in your life, the holidays aren't the same, especially if they went nuts on fucking Thanksgiving or they went nuts on Christmas. You miss that shit for fucking ever.

When, uh, after my mom died, you know, I looked at the benders. I lived at the runnies and they tried to make Christmas, you know, Christmas, but it wasn't working for Uncle Joey. That shit was not going to work for me singing fake Christmas songs. My mother's fucking dead. What is that is singing Jingle Bells about? But through the years, you know, you get a little better. I always got depressed. I mean, the year I was fucking homeless, 84.

That was a rough fucking Christmas. That was like one of those Christmases. They feel like, God, if this is Christmas, I can't wait to bump into hell because this is how this was how, you know, and some people try to make your Christmas holiday great. You know, some people really try to invite you over and feed you. They'll give you like a gift that was intended for their grandparents. They'll give it to you to make you feel good, like a green wallet or a fucking t-shirt or something. And it works.

It all fucking works, you know. But the thing about Christmas is you letting you go into a funk. I know for a fact I would let myself go into a funk and the more I got closer to Christmas, I would snort more and drink more and drink more and snort more. That's how I could tell, you know, without even knowing, I just went from getting high three nights to maybe four fucking nights, five nights. To ease the pain, but don't ever fall, don't ever feel down over the holidays and ain't fucking worth it, man. I had so many painful fucking Christmases. I tell you, it's like every other fucking Christmas means nothing to me since I've had mercy. Christmases are fucking great.

I mean, when you have a kid around, you know, it picks it up a little bit. California Christmases suck because there was no snow. There was no snow. I'm trying to fucking jump up and down and sing jingle bells and I'm sweating half the death because it's fucking 70 degrees out. So it's fucking cold here and it's cold already. It's December fucking first and it's cold already. Not really cold. I mean, I don't know when we're going to get snow or whatever, but that's not the fucking point.

It's where you let your fucking mind go. I mean, the Christmas that I was homeless, I just kept, I would sit there in this fucking rocket ship at night and just think about, you know, how could God, I mean, listen, your life sucks year round, right? Like, you know, I don't care if my life sucks fucking from January 1st to December 23rd, as long as, you know, you feel better for Christmas. I mean, and it's tough when you, when you have a shit life, you can't put nothing together. You can't put money together for a great gift. I mean, you put, you put a couple of gifts together. You buy your mama gift and your girlfriend a gift, but we always feel so fucking inferior this time of the year. That's, that's what I remember the most.

If I have to put a word on it, what I felt from November fucking 26th to December 26th, you just feel fucking like, you know, fucking like you're not worth it. That's how I always felt. So I know if I felt, I feel this way all the time though, but I always felt like, I don't know, like I wasn't cut out for Christmas. You feel like you don't have no fucking money. Your Christmas ain't going to be great. And at the end of this shit, like now at my age, I got to be honest with you guys, Christmas is not about money. It's not about money.

We as Americans have let ourselves go there and we put some extra pressure on ourselves. Christmas is about love. Christmas is about looking at people when I love you. Let's spend some time together. You know, let's drink some fucking eggnog. Let's put some rum in it. You ain't got run up with jack in it. Christmas is about making it work.

For years, I gave up on Christmas. Like I would just go to Christmas season. I'm going to just give up now. I mean, it's going to be a miserable Christmas. I did that for about 15 fucking years. And then that got old. There was a time on Christmas and Thanksgiving. I didn't want to go to anybody's houses.

How fucking bad is that? You know how many fucking Thanksgiving's I spent alone with Boston Motherfucking Market? That slice white turkey shit from Boston Market. That's when Boston Market was good in Seattle. I spent a couple fucking New Year's alone, not New Year's Christmases. I spent a couple Thanksgiving's alone, you know, Christmas without a girlfriend when you're 20 or 21. Oh, oh, that's brutal. Just having Christmas and going to a couple's house and they're kissing and hugging in front of you.

And you're kissing the fucking dog. The dogs, the dogs dry humping your leg over fucking the holidays. That's the most, I mean, all that shit sucks because you think about it because you let it suck. Like I did for years. And then one day I just snapped out of it. I think like 94, 93, I had a shitty Christmas. All those Christmases were fucking shitty. But 94, it was just like, I still remember every individual Christmas,

whether I had money or not, how I felt, whether I was able to eat. I mean, last Christmas I had fucking COVID, so I got a pass last year. But all the Christmases before, like ever since I've had mercy, yeah, it's helped. It's helped going to see Santa, which she fucking hates. She doesn't want to see Santa at all. I got like four pictures of her with Santa and she's five feet away from the motherfucker. She refuses to take a picture with Santa. I don't know why.

I don't know if Santa molested her in her previous life. She just does not like fucking Santa. So I'm serious. I don't know what, she's three. She's three. We took her to Universal. One year she was like two, we put her on the lap, get me off the fucking lap. She threw a pacifier and shit.

She just does not like the motherfucker. So this year she wrote him a letter and she's been asking me every day that Santa didn't get back to me on that shit yet, you know. And that's what makes it fun again. Like dealing with a kid, thinking if they're not going to get a gift and shit. And you're looking at them going, what? You know, listen, this, it's taken me a long time to get a, you know, adjusted since I moved here.

Took me a lot longer than the fucking girls. They were often running like fucking that guy when he got out of prison, the Sopranos and he broke the guy's arm a week later. My daughter and my fucking wife got off and fucking running. I've had some hiccups here and there, but it's getting smoother every goddamn day. Last night, I guess my best wishes is a kid at Jiu-Jitsu. Great kid, Alex. Alex, yeah, Alex is the name.

And we were talking one night, a couple of weeks ago, I went to Jiu-Jitsu at night and I was telling them that my daughter came up to me one day. We were just talking about shit. And she goes, dad, you know, I like throwing punches at Jiu-Jitsu and stuff like that. I mean, it blew my mind the conversation. She's like, but, you know, I really want to wrestle. And I'm like, come again. You want to what?

And she goes, I really want to wrestle. You know, I wrestle with my friends and I do pretty good. I use some Jiu-Jitsu stuff, but then I get them down and I go, who the fuck thought you had to wrestle? And she goes, Mateo and those guys always wrestle and we go over there. The girls like, okay, you know, whatever. And I just yesterday that like, all right, you want to wrestle, you know, and then I know there's the bartender of cousins owns a wrestling school. So I contacted him.

He was like the girls like 14, you know, you could bring her in, but it's not going to be fair, you know. So I didn't know what to think. And then a couple weeks ago at night, I went to Jiu-Jitsu and I was talking to this guy and he goes, you know, my daughter, I can't come on Tuesdays and Thursdays starting next week because my daughter wrestled. And I go, what? Your daughter wrestles. And she goes, yeah, she comes here too. She's nine and she wrestles.

I go, yeah, so they were doing a program at the wreck for kids. And he goes, I coached the fucking team. And I was going to bring my daughter down and my wife wouldn't allow it because she's got basketball and this and that. And he goes, bring it down. You know, so I asked, I go, you want to go down and see one of these classes? And she's like, yeah, I thought she would forget about it. Holy fuck. She bugged me every day.

Dad, when are we going to the wrestling class? Dad, when are we going to wrestling class? Dad, when are we going to wrestling class? Guys, listen, I put my daughter in MMA because I got hit in the head with a lunchbox when I was a kid and I didn't know what to do. And that was the worst feeling in the fucking world is getting hit in the head with a lunchbox and not knowing what the fuck to do. I was six. I was lost. I just ran and cried.

I didn't know what to do. I was passing out from the blood, but that shit always stuck with me. All right. And then I realized as I got a couple of years went by, you know, I faint when I see blood. I fucking if shit is if there's too much movement around me, I don't like it. You know, I was just kept in the seventies. You didn't know what anxiety was. You just knew something wasn't fucking right.

And when the action got too much, I always had to sit away and put a towel on my head to calm down a little bit. I didn't fucking know. So I joined martial arts as a kid because of Bruce Lee. Thank God for that motherfucker. And I pursued it till maybe I was 16 and I didn't turn out a tough guy. I didn't turn out great form or any of that shit. I just, you know, you know how to get hit, you know how to cover yourself and you know how to breathe yourself out of the situation. You know, fear, you know, you get, you don't know what the fuck's going on.

You know, when I got hit by that lunchbox, I was a kid. It's not like I was 24 and got hit. You know how to, I just did not know what to do. I knew how to put my hands up and I knew how to defend myself and my mom put me in karate. And that's not the point. The point is I didn't want that to happen for her. You know, MMA is great for a kid. You know, whatever the fuck, Jiu Jitsu is great for a kid.

Boxing is great. They're all great. Anything that you put your kid in just so he gets along with little kids, you don't want to put him in there to be a world champion. There's a guy, great guy, great guy. And his son is a fucking great kid. Good looking, polite, is good at softball. I've seen him play different things, you know, but he goes to Fat Joe's with me and my daughter. That's where she goes with Jiu Jitsu and MMA and shit.

And the kid is good at what he does, you know, he's good at takedowns and a couple of arm bars and throwing kicks and punches. But you could tell this is not the kid's thing. You know, when I take mercy to this, it's not, I don't want her to be a fucking martial. Let me get the wrong. I don't want her to be a fighter, but I'd like for her to pick up a couple martial art things like respect, discipline, you know, getting up and forcing yourself to do push-ups. Whatever the fuck martial arts offers you, you know, that's the reason why I put her in. There was no future in her being in the UFC. Do you want to see your fucking kid or your brother or sister?

You know, when I see like a fighter that maybe I'm an acquaintance of him. It's like we talk on the phone or nothing like that. When like Mickey Gall, Mickey Gall is my dear friend. He's starting a podcast, by the way. Mickey Gall is a great guy. You know, when I watch Mickey Gall fight and he loses, even if he doesn't get knocked out, it affects me guys. It bothers the fuck out of me. That's my friend getting fucking hit.

You know, I would never watch Anderson Silva fights after I met him. I like them. I like the guy. So I just like, I don't really want to watch his fucking fights, you know. When I like somebody, I don't want to see them. I'll never forget when John Fitch fought GSB 10 years ago. It was a battle and a half. And I was there with Ari and Duncan and Joe, you know.

And I'll never forget John Fitch walking to the ambulance and me sitting outside the ambulance. And I was fucking crying. I was fucking crying. I'm a grown man and I'm crying for John Fitch. I mean, he's bloody, you know, GSB was beat up too. He was in the other ambulance. But he's my friend. I like this guy.

It fucking killed me like it was like, I don't know. I can't deal with this shit. So if that's how it affects me with my friends, how do you think it affects me with my friends? How do you think it affects me with my son, Mike's son? And Mike told me his son was an MMA fighter and I went down to see him and I became friends with the kid. And he gets punched in the head and bloods everywhere. I'm not going to fucking feel too good about it. You know, nobody is.

It's a part of fighting and I get it. You get stitched up and you're back like herpes. But still, nobody wants to see your son's or daughter's blood fucking fucked up. So for me, this wasn't an option. It's not like I was like, yeah, go get in there. Do the arm bar dog. When I go in there, when I went to Fat Joe's two days ago with her, all those fucking kids were doing shit wrong. All of them were doing the fucking, even my daughter, she does the throw.

She likes throwing people. But the neon belly to arm bar, she has a problem with it. That's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. You know, many times I'll ask my daughter on a Monday, Mercy, you want to go to fucking Fat Joe's and she'll go, not to that. And then the next day I'll say something to her, you want to go to Fat Joe's? She'll go, yeah, okay. You know, I'm like, what?

Listen, as soon as we walk in that fucking door of Fat Joe's, there's a huge smile on her face. She's a friend. You know, many times she's told me, Dad, I got friends at school. I got friends at softball and I got friends at Fat Joe's. She's got a friend Joey over there and Athena, and she's got some kid with big ears, Nick, and they giggle and they laugh and they throw each other. Do you think I give a fuck if the throw's wrong or not? Or if she's executing, she's fucking nine. What do I give a fuck about that?

I just wanted to laugh. When you're a dad and when you're a friend to somebody and they're laughing, you just want to see them fucking laugh, you know? So whenever I talk to this daddy, he's always like, I don't know, my son, and I'm like, listen, this is one of the many things he does. When you're a child, what didn't you fucking do as a kid? I had a comic book collection. I played the bass. I played bass boy.

Mother fuckers think he had jobs. I was a G.I. Joe guy. I bought a fucking, nobody remembers the story I told when I bought the Barbie house and snuck her in and my mother almost killed me. And I had the G.I. Joe's fucking the Barbies and shit. You know, I've done it all as a kid. I was an only child. So I was retarded for what the fuck but I learned from that. Kids are going to try, listen, you know, there's a guy online, this kid's a drummer.

He's like a six year old drummer. The drums are like $20,000 drums. No, no, but they're like top of the line. He got them custom made and shit because I read the article he put up about his son in the $20,000. With $20,000 a pair of drums make your son a better drummer. So when your kid's trying shit, like yesterday I went, I took it to the fucking wrestling thing finally. She kept asking me dad, it's Tuesday. You're going to take me to wrestling dad, it's Tuesday.

I said finally, I read out an option. So I was like, listen, I'm going to walk in there with her. And once she sees these kids jumping up and down and getting thrown up in the air, she's going to go, dad, this ain't for me. You're right. And then we'll go home and nobody's feelings get her right. Fuck, no. We walked the first one went to the wreck and it wasn't there.

So I'm like, fuck, okay, I'm off the hook. And she's like, it's okay, dad, but I can tell she was upset. So I asked the lady at the wreck, where's the fucking, where's the fucking, you know, the wrestling practice. She goes, you got to go to middle school. So I drove over to the middle school and sure enough, there's 200 cars. I'm like, fuck, this is the place. So I go, I pull up and I go open the back door of the gym mercy and tell me what you see. She came back.

It's like that. There's a bunch of boys wrestling dad. I go, is there any girls? She goes, I didn't see them. I go, fuck, but let's go in there. I thought she was going to go, no, there's boys. Fuck, no. She slammed that fucking car door and walked in there with me.

We walked in. I saw some friends of mine. I know, like the kids go to either softball or Fat Joe's with Mercy. We walked in. I saw a few parents and shit. I sat her down. She was like, her eyes were huge. They had like an advanced class in front of her and kids her age over on another map.

But the advanced class, they were all 12 year old kids, shit like that. She was watching the moves and I could see her fucking eyes. Like she was like lighting up. I'm like, oh shit, God damn it. Then the coach came over Alex and he's like, hey, Joey, how are you? Did you bring your daughter? I'm like, yeah. He goes, does she want to go in?

I go, Mercy, you want to go in? And I was praying that she goes, no, not today. I just want to look. She was like, yeah. I'm like, oh no. Next thing you know, her jacket was off, shoes were off. She's on a mat with a nine year old girl. They're throwing each other around.

He was just teaching her basics. But then she made a wrestle. The coach made her wrestle with a little boy and the little boy fucking through Mercy. I go, oh, this is not going to be good. I saw Mercy scramble and grab the fucking kid, the guillotine and push him around. I'm like, oh, when we got back in that car, she didn't shut the fuck up till we got home. Do you understand me? She didn't shut the fuck up till we got home.

And then when I walked in the door, she ran in the fucking house, ran upstairs. I could hear her downstairs because when I walk in, I'm taking off my jacket. I'm selling down. I could hear her up there fucking yelling at the mom. I loved it. And she's like, mom, we got something to tell you. She's like, I can't tell you, but dad's going to tell you. What is it?

She's like, I joined the wrestling. And my wife is like, I don't know where this is coming from. You know, she's a mom, too. But I go, you know what, Terry? She was there. One of the girls in the softball team was there and she was pissed because she couldn't sign up. So I was like, even Amelia was fucking pissed. She was there and she was like, all right, I'll let it sign up.

So I don't want my daughter to be some fucking wrestler and get choked the fuck out. But if you would have seen her fucking smile on that mat, and that's all that matters. I don't get what she got. They got wrestling meets the first one is December 15th in 14 fucking days. She has to wrestle. And I'm like, how the fuck is she going to pull this off? You know what guys? They're kids.

She went to jujitsu. She went to MMA for 45 minutes. And then after that came home at a snack and went to wrestling practice for damn near two fucking hours, running around, push ups, jumping jack. She came in last night like nothing fucking happened. You know, and I had my apprehensions like, I don't know. I don't want to do fucking this shit. But this is what she wants to do. So yeah, she got basketball tonight, wrestling two days, MMA two days, softball starts in January.

But you know what? You want to keep them active. And that's the whole fucking deal there, you know. And now I got something to do with her during the holidays. It's something nice to do. Practices at 6.30 to 8 at night. So it gets me out of the fucking house. Obviously, I'm going to sit there and talk to a couple of parents, a couple of moms.

There was a mom sitting next to me. She's like, I know you. I don't know you don't. She goes, yes, I do. I go, no, no, I never met you before. She goes, I saw you in Point Pleasant one night, cracking dirty jokes. Oh, yeah, that's me. We started talking shit.

But yeah, this is the adventures of being a fucking dad. I can't believe how much my life has changed, guys. I cannot even believe the shit that used to get my dick card doesn't even fucking impress me anymore. I don't want to do any of it. I don't want to do fucking any of it. Like I said, today I got an audition for a voiceover. And I'm excited about that because you don't have to do much with a voiceover. Just put it on your tape recorder and fucking and fucking send it.

And then when you do the job, some jobs don't even want you to come in. You got a microphone. You got a microphone. They'll zoom with you and tell you how they want the line. It's fucking easier shit, man. But now I was thinking about all the Christmases and it really like, you know, I'm 60. If I had, fuck, 15 good Christmases, 15 good Christmases and it had to do with me. It had to do with me being a junkie, me not having parents, me just, you know.

Now I love fucking Christmas. I mean, I'm not dressing up like Santa hat and I'm not jumping up and down and doing all this shit. But you enjoy it a little bit more because it hits close to home. You're making somebody fucking happy, you know. I think about that last Christmas and bold that that was. Whenever I think of Christmases, that's the Christmas. I go, wow, you know, my life used to be fucking and I try to tell people all the time. My life used to be so hand to mouth.

It's, it was crazy. Mike, I wish, you know, when I started comedy after I got the voice, I mean, I struggled financially. I struggled financially. It was about 25, 24. And then I started making a little bit of money, you know, money that you could put away money like save money as a salesman and shit like that. And then, you know, I put away a ton of money. After I came out of prison, I had like three fucking jobs. I roofed.

They fucking worked at a comedy club. And my whole goal was to bank fucking money like I had never banked money before the money. I did bank as a child, you know, when you have paper routes and Christmas clubs, I would spend it as soon as I busted the Christmas club, you know, like I would fucking drop it. So I was like, it's time to, you know, I figured out how to fucking make 600 a week and put away 100, you know, even though I was a fucking junkie, it was under control and stuff like that. When I got into comedy, I really went back to hand to mouth. I mean, I don't know how many times I woke up guys. I can tell you that I woke up didn't have a fucking dime to get breakfast, not a dime. And I would go, well, somebody's getting mugged today.

I would jump in the shower, brush my teeth, listerine, the whole fucking thing, put on clothes. And I would just go out, walk into office buildings, look for a purse, look for a wallet. A guy left a fucking truck, you know, went into the store and let the truck running and let the deposit. You have no idea about the scenarios that I bumped into. I still remember being fucking flat broke in Aspen and walking into a supermarket to shoplift like a fucking, like a pack of fucking Oscar Maya Salami, you know how they come in those packets. You could put in your winter jacket. And as I was going to fucking get to Salami, a woman, a couple were shopping and her purse was right there. And she had her deposit, like the payment from the company when you, it was sticking out.

I remember just walking by and taking the deposit and putting it in my pocket and walking out. They'd be like, $800 me envelope going. That's a good payday for today. But there was also a lot of times when I had to rob a fucking donation box, you know, like a fucking little coin thing. I still remember robbing that coin thing from Carval and going, I'm definitely going to hell. They had some picture of a kid's ruling, you know, and it's a fake fucking charity, but still you can't rob. I did all that shit, you know, and being broke fucking sucks for fucking Christmas. That adds even more. Never mind the pain you're driving, whatever the fuck.

But I remember waking up, I always had problems with my ex-wife, like when I was going to get her for Christmas, you know. The attorney would call and go, she's going to give it to you. They're going to figure out a time and all this. I wouldn't, I really wouldn't know. The last Christmas I spent in Boulder, they called me like, I didn't have a Christmas Eve. That's what it was. I was going to get a Christmas day, but they didn't tell me until like the 23rd. And I had a couple things for her, like a couple little pop-up houses and shit like that. And I just wanted to have a good Christmas.

And I was like, I don't give a fuck if I go to jail. I'm going to shoplift every fucking thing that I can. And I'll never forget on Christmas Eve, I went out in the afternoon with those last fucking shoppers. And I shoplifted a bike for her from fucking, yeah. I'm ashamed of all this shit, but you know, robbing on Christmas, being broke on Christmas is one thing. Stealing on Christmas, that's not bueno. You got to say 10 fucking hell marries and 19 our fathers to get that off your fucking chest. But, uh, yeah, it was fucking a rough Christmas.

And I'll never forget going to Toys R Us and getting like puzzles and they would have Jeffrey money in those days. Do you round for that? So I would go in there and take like a $119 computer. They had these computers by the door and I wouldn't even walk out of the place. I would pretty much pick up the thing, go through the fucking line. They give me 140 Jeffrey bucks because they pay your taxes. They give you tax money back. And then I would start from there and then I would go in and get something, pay for it legitimately.

But as I was paying for it, I was also shoplifting something on the way out. So if I paid for a bike, I was taking a box of Legos for $200 on the way out. And then I'd do it again, give them the Legos back, get $230 and Jeffrey money. Guys, it was embarrassing. It was fucking really embarrassing. I must have put together like a thousand dollars. I had a little apartment like this office and there was a couch, a bench and a TV. Everything else was Christmas stuff. And then I was such a fucking puke, I'll never forget coming home.

And they called and they're like, huh, we're going to have a day like at 12 when I'm like 12. I got to get this place looking like fucking Christmas. And that night I didn't have a Christmas tree. I'll never fucking forget this. But I had the shit you put, you know, garland that had boxes of garland. I must have shopped it somewhere and I hung it up with duct tape. That's how poor I was. I had fucking duct tape guys. And I just hung it up with fucking duct tape.

And then, and then my Pierre, the resistance Christmas morning, I wake up and I'm like, she's going to be here five hours. I got to make a fucking Christmas tree. And I was going to like, I started papermachine one. I didn't know what I was doing. The landlord, I asked him if he had like a little tree from, you know, he had a storage area with a bunch of shoes. I got nothing. And it was snowing. It was fucking cold, miserable.

And I was on a search for a fucking Christmas tree. And I drove around for like 20 minutes. And finally as I got closer to my house, because I didn't want to rob a Christmas tree close to my house and shit. So I was like, I got to rob a Christmas tree. That's, I didn't even know I was going to rob a Christmas tree. I'm like, I hope I could clip a tree from somewhere. And finally I fucking, I was flat fucking broke guys, maybe 10 bucks in my pocket. And I was borrowing the deli zone car.

Those are my friends that will lend me that car. And it had a thing to keep the door closed. The bungee cord, if I made a fucking left turn, a right turn, the door would swing open and shit tremendous. You can't write this shit guys. So fucking I, I'll never forget how I found this Christmas place. It was right behind the Kmart that I would shoplift constantly from and how to give it a breather. But on that day it was Christmas and I'm like, Doug, Kmart was closed. Every business around was closed.

Say it was fucking snowing. Everything had snow on top of it. I'll never forget that I, I go, there's no Christmas trees down. I'm gonna have to jump that fucking fence. It was like a 10 foot fence, get over and then throw a tree over, then load it in the car. How the fuck am I going to do this? And as I walk closer to the fence, it's fucking open. I'm like, how the fuck is the fence open on Christmas?

And as I walk closer to the fence, there's a sign and it said, close Christmas day. If you see something you like, take it and put your money in the envelope by the window. And I'm like, no, they didn't. No, they didn't. I remember walking in, looking around, they had like maybe eight trees that were like 35 bucks, but they had one tree like for a hundred. It was like a beautiful big tree with frosting on it and it was covered. I go, that's the tree I'm fucking taking.

I picked that motherfucker up. I put it on the top of the Toyota. I bungee'd that. I didn't care about the door and not let the door swing open. And I put the thing and I was looking for something like glove or an extra bungee cord. And I go, hey, what about that envelope where you put the cash in? Let me see if there's anything in there. And sure enough, it's Christmas.

I'm broken fucking every once in a while. God shines. And when I fucking will look in the envelope, there was like $212 or something, $208 or something like that. Something that to allow range. I took the whole thing and I even put in the IOU and I just signed it Joey and I fucking took the tree. I took the money. I bought some Chinese food and I went back and that's the last Christmas. I had with my daughter and it was the best Christmas as broke as I fucking was, you know, that was the best.

We fucking opened the Christmas presents. She took a bike on that Christmas must have cost me $15. I shoplifted fucking everything closed for myself. I had like a Christmas robe. I made like cider and shit. It was not good guys, but that guy sold trees year round. And he did other things in that year round like he he sold like bulldozers or something. I remember I got like a I got a big fucking check when that I was just getting ready to leave Boulder.

But that Christmas fucking bothered me. Me taking that tree and the cash and shit. I got to give this guy something. So I don't forget pulling in there and walking in and going, Hey man, I took a tree from here Christmas and I didn't pay for it. But I want to pay for it today. I didn't have the money. The guy goes, man, thank you. Thank you for fucking being honest.

I'm not honest. I just certain things bothered me. And that really bothered me that day taking the two on all the trees. So I said, fuck it. I gave the 200 and my Christmas was fucking absolved. And from that time on, I really haven't had a shitty fucking Christmas. They at least been manageable. Do you know what I'm saying?

I mean, yeah, you have your moments. But then the last 10 Christmas have been great because I got a daughter and it makes Christmas more enjoyable at my age. But I tell you, a lot of people going to be down over the holidays. Don't let yourself go down. Don't let yourself go down over a fucking holiday that's made out of love. It's not really a holiday of fucking you got to show up with a boat or the biggest present for anybody. If you do that, you just fall into the category is the Joneses. I don't give a fuck if you make a Christmas card.

You know, some of the best gifts I've had have been homemade. Some of the best gifts I've had have been by somebody who said, fuck it. I'm not going to spend 10 million fucking dollars. I got a blanket from a girl a couple of years ago that she made it. I still have that blanket in the fucking basement. It's one of the warmest fucking blankets I have. Must have cost her $3. So don't stress about the money.

People like me don't. I'm not looking to fucking kill anybody for Christmas. I really not. I could give a fuck if you give me a DVD or a fucking pretzel or a bag of weed. It all goes to this. I never put on my wife. I've never had. So don't feel fucking ashamed.

Don't feel, you know, shitty. And if you miss a relative or something like that, amen. My mother's been gone 42 years. I still fucking get a little sentimental around the 23rd to 24th just for a minute. It comes and goes. And the more holidays you do, the more you will get used to that. I call it a little pain, but then it becomes an inconvenience. Just for a minute, you might take a glass of eggnog or something.

The holy shit. This reminds me of my mother fuck. What are you going to do? So the moral of the story is motherfuckers. Don't let the holidays get you down. There's nothing to be down about. If you don't have it, you don't have it. Bring yourself, bring your sense of humor, bring your sweetness and your love.

And that's the biggest Christmas present you give anybody motherfuckers. And that's my podcast for December 1st, a beautiful Thursday morning. That's it. And that's that. Do not forget. Listen, my man, uh, Todd dropped some weed off of me from stoner club. I don't know if it's the fucking on the top or whatever the fuck it's called. Go on their website, stonerclub.com.

They deliver. They had a tremendous fucking, uh, tremendous fucking sale. A ton of people reached out to me like Joey 25% off black Friday. Fuck. That's tremendous. Yeah. Oh yeah. That hash is fucking great.

I finally found the freeze pipe because free pipe. The bubbler gives you a bubbler, but they also give you an extension to smoke weed out it like just regular like a bowl, you know, so I finally got the hash and just because I was smoking the hash and the big freeze pipe bond with weed. Holy fuck. But the problem with that is the fucking hash keeps burning. It keeps burning. So you got to keep, keep, keep taking fucking hits and you end up fucking being all stolen

in a box and shit like that. But yeah, everything's going great. But when you order from stoner's club, press an uncle Joey and get 10% off for life. How's that one for you motherfuckers? That's how I fucking roll. Then that's it. I'll put an ad up for the link on the book this week. We're taking orders to December fucking 31st.

My next show is the 28th. I might pop around town. I seen Russell, uh, Russell Peters is in fucking NJ back. I think Saturday night, I got a fucking, uh, how was Gracie's doing a yearly jujitsu party? I'm excited about that. I was going to go to a fucking hockey game with my daughter as a basketball game is six. I'll never make it to the devil's fucking, uh, Philly Flyers game. So what are you going to do, man?

You can't do it all. You can just treat it, try to be the best and make the best of it. Guys, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. December's here. Stay fucking beautiful. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. Tip top Magoo. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor jacket.

All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you all for listening this week and for being here with me. The joint is brought to you by C B D lion. Listen, this is the time of the year to get ready for 2023. You're not getting the lion for today. You're going to start this new tincture program next year and feel better about yourself. But go to CBD lion dot com and read the third party lab results and they're going to knock you into the fucking moon. Whether you're looking for a tincture or cream for your knee or your shoulder, a kinesiology tape for your back or a

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Sign up for promo code Joey. J-O-E-Y for a special offer that includes a four week trial, free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone and enter code Joey. I want to thank stamps.com. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank CBD lion.

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